damn. having c-ptsd is fucked up huh

Realised some of my old games were online because they jusy got forked? Reposted? Idfk by some kid on the site I put it on and I feel sick. They weren't anything special but I'd never even intended to leave them up for long I'd just forgotten. I'd only put them up to show someone temporarily.

They were practice games for me but very personal because they were also the first big bits of code id ever made. Now i realised they'd apparently been put under nearly the lowest of the sites licencing. So I'm going to have to put my trust in some kid to not be an asshole and stop sharing them beyond my control. Because technically speaking, they'd done nothing wrong by sharing them. Except that i feel like dying now

Last post before I crash and no-one hears from me until I return from my first final the morrow’s eve (a changed man no doubt) but there’ll never be anything funnier to me than consistently being viewed as a composed and calm saviour by peers while I’m, actively and uncontrollably losing it.

ok executive dysfunction is kind of ruining my life actually

god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

i think its really shitty how people in “neurodiverse” spaces will accommodate for anxiety, but totally refuse to accommodate for hysteria or anger issues (things that are both precipitated by anxiety for me). like it’s totally fine to reject an angry or hysterical person, because unlike anxiety, those are scary and dangerous things and it’s ok if you have a personality disorder or anger issues but only if you never display any symptoms ever

The irony of trying to start a "pain journal" but being too fatigued and having too much brain fog from said pain to start one

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

my head hurts abd im tired and i want to fall asleep so bad but i hate the idea of waking up because then ill have to go to school and for some reason the though of even seeing another human being makes me wanna curl up and die

.

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

.

i literally cannot even be in physical pain without my mom taking it personally and then making complaints about my tone of voice knowing FULL WELL i physically cannot control it the way a normal Not Fucking Autistic person could. like it hurts for me to move bc of my shoulder and i cant hear her if im playing music in my headphones and im really tired and she just kept harping about how Snippy And Mean i sound to her until i almost started to cry. god i wish i just lived alone

ok wait I actually might ….. ……🫣

I know like slappin not condonin stalkin n violence n stuff on yer yan blogs is like a standard thing n valid n stuff, but I also think that we shouldn't isolate those who've had genuine struggle with doin bad things n usin yancore to control their urges.

like I've literally threatened people with a knife and genuinely stalked before and countless other things that are arguably worse I'm not gonna admit to online that fall under the category of "yandere things". to those like me, you're not alone.

yancore is the last place we need to demonize those who severely struggle with bad urges and sometimes fail to control. it's not an excuse, it doesn't make it right, but idk I feel like yancore is literally for those kinds of people recoverin.

you're not an irredeemable monster for your past actions, no matter how recent, and shouldn't be made to feel isolated from a community that is for people who have those same urges tryin to recover.

comments from my boss after my second week back mostly just pointing out how i've fucked up (a number of ways but mostly just adjustments to schedules and things that i was not aware of and am now aware of, so ok), but instead of talking to me about these things he typed out a long sheet of very passive aggressive notes and then sat there while i read them.