#fuck dude i am literally actually crying literal tears irl right now this is not a joke
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So I know we here at Startrekfandom love that "came back wrong but from the pov of the wrong" thing and apply it to many different characters and canon situations and I am far from trying to complain about it (I'm "came out wrong" trope myself so I was always gonna obsess over it) but having recently watched a very important episode (you'll know which one) for the first time I think there's a character who hits both tropes mentioned but llike, intertwined, opposite and subverted, and whom I wanna talk about.
Julian Bashir.
From his parents' pov he's "came out wrong but we got him help and he came back better" while from his own pov it's "came out 'insufficient', was destroyed for it, came back wrong and only later slowly came to terms with his new self tho never the process (justifiably so)" and it's heartbreaking because in a way, he's right! Jules Bashir died! His parents had an intellectually disabled child and decided to eugenics him! Julian is not the person he used to be and while I do love the person he is now, that doesn't bring back who he was! Part of me wishes we could've gotten to see Jules at least once and part of me hopes we never do because my heart would shatter.
This isn't a good comparison but nonetheless one I can't help drawing: it's giving similar vibes to anti-vaxxers. "I'd rather risk having a child who is dead than one who's autistic". Obviously this doesn't map over since Julian is still autistic and the procedure his parents subjected him to specifically targeted his intellectual disability and if any folks with id wanna comment on this I definitely recommend you listen to them over me, but it's a similarity I, as an autistic who has encountered anti-vaxxers again and again, can't help but point out. "Give me a normal child or give them death."
This may have been written about already but there needs to be stories about teenage Julian (after finding out and rediscovering who he was) practicing some good ol' recognition of the self through media. I need to hear about how he would encounter a story about someone who came back wrong (I'm gonna assume there's plenty of "wrong" pov stories floating around by the 24th century) and absolutely weep. I need to see Julian mourning Jules, taking years and years to process his feelings, experiencing guilt about how he, the imposter, didn't deserve to live Jules' life.
Came back wrong from the returned's pov but it wasn't an accident. It was done to you deliberately by the people who claim to love you. And now you are here, piloting the corpse of your predecessor.
Jules Bashir is dead. Long live Julian Bashir.
#i've called julian jules before simply as a normal nickname but i don't think i ever will again. not after this#and knowing that if it had been possible i would have probably gone the way jules did. knowing that at his age i would have gone willingly.#fuck dude i am literally actually crying literal tears irl right now this is not a joke#fuck!!!!!#julian bashir#jules bashir#doctor bashir i presume#came back wrong#star trek deep space nine#HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD!! HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD AND THEY KILLED HIM!!!!#i cannot stop crying i am literally crying and like not even just a little#i cannot... poor julian how the FUCK do you ever come to terms with something like that#and like... julian remembers. he has most if not all of jules' memories and also knows he was murdered simply for not being julian#like how did he cope#(im about to go off on a tangent that will contain censored names for the sake of not clogging those tags if you dont know who i mean hmu)#like this is literally the thing that fucked up j*ran so bad he went on a murder spree isn't it#he remembers the one who came before who was killed. very different circumstances of course esp since tr*ll are expected to replace one ano#another but he remembers this person he remembers BEING this person who was young and simply enjoying life and who died a sudden death and#he remembers the experience of that death as well and how it lead to his own creation. it's not remotely similar ofc but considering that#the only time we see t*rias in alpha canon is in julian's body... i need to lie down for a moment.#and jor*n couldn't cope! he couldn't! it was far too much and the weird thing is right now in this moment i GET it y'know?? like that's#so horrific. and i haven't watched any jo*an episode besides facets yet but do you think. do you think j*dzia told julian about all this an#he nodded along and kept composure and then when he was alone he broke down crying? like julian you're doing SO well ily you're coping and#you shouldn't have to obviously but you do nonetheless!! do you think julian still has something from jules? like i've heard there's a tedd#but i mean jules prolly didn't keep a diary he was a six year old with an intellectual disability it's pretty unlikely he could write but#does julian have drawings made by jules? i'd like to think so but honestly his parents probably threw them out. like they also moved so#sorry i'm just. many thoughts head full. ive stopped crying now but who knows for how long. also i'll have to tag this with my original tag#maybe i should've picked something less silly for when i make serious posts but like what am i gonna change my url as well? don't think so#original posts fresh from quark's pussy#and thats the tag limit folks it's been fun. i had to delete two other tags but my god. anyway. thinking about jules bashir forever & cryin
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incoming: another fucking voltron rant because i watched a langst edit and now i wanna cry😭😭
they did not take time. they did not slow that show down for a little bit. especially for lance. cause he did not getting a fucking moment to find himself again after he FUCKING DIED. we saw him homesick, we saw him missing his family, we saw him insecure about his position on the team, we saw him insecure about himself, but we never actually saw him go anywhere else but being sad. he really did get barely any character development.
and tbh i feel like in a way just all the characters didnt have a moment to slow down. and i know, i know, its a kids show, its about fucking robots for fucks sake, theyre in the middle of a war. which, yeah. youre right. but there couldve been so much more, for him, for all of them. what about them? as people, with feelings. where are there emotions. why is it only sadness and happiness and not the enitre confusing spectrum of emotion between. does pidge not feel lost after she finds her brother? yeah, hes back, but i bet she didnt imagine she would be fighting an intergalactic war, and now matt is too. she imagined family dinner, brother barging into her room, dad making corny jokes, house happier and full of life.
hunks family was put in a fucking work camp. he had seen this across the galaxy, zarkons army imprisoning people, making them work, killing them. did he imagine that for earth ? did he imagine that for his family? how the fuck did he cope fighting a war, anxious as he is? how did he cope at all?
shiro isnt even in his fucking original body. thats fucking weird. im not saying that in a rude way bc like yeah, organ transplants are a thing irl, and a major life saving thing they are ! but like, how odd it must be to have someone elses kidney or heart in your body. nevermind to have your entire soul and conciousness put into another body, you but not really you.
keiths life,,, dude probably just doesnt even give anything a second fucking thought anymore. but like, could they not have shown him showing some more emotion. fair enough if he doesnt always cry in the moment but rather late on, but you'd think seeing allura die, they wouldve at least put some tears in his eyes. he had fucking no one before he had voltron. only shiro, and even then he was alone for so long when shiro had been on his mission. you cant tell me he didnt want to think of voltron as his family. they bonded :(
and lance, gosh lance. i feel like, if we looks at this as it is, lance would be the character that people think back on and go "oh yeah, he helped me accept my emotions, he helped me become the best version of me and gain confidence in who i am". in the fandom hes seen as someone with big emotions that he wears on his sleeve, but also someone who will put everyone else and their needs before himself.
he's a story of self-sacrifice, quite literally. he's the story of sincere love, of casual admiration. he's the story of the most wonderful friend, of loyalty, of no, I'll step down because there's a cause bigger than me, and im not the one for the job when there's people like my friends and you on the team.
and no one wanted to explore that? no one wanted to see him do more than just, what? flirt and literally die and fall in love and barely find his place on team voltron? that was it for him. it shouldn't have been, but it was.
#just... im no professional qriter but like#there couldve been more humanity to it yknow#to all of their emotions but most importantly lance who was brushed off time and time again#he was destined for greatness#hes so much more than what he shows people but the people just cant be bothered to look past the mask#:(#vld lance#lance mcclain#voltron#vld#mullettaegi#long post#i may be talking no sense but yall will be seeing it cause i cant be keeping this shit in my brain itll eat me up#i care about this show far too much and am not gonna hide anymore it means so much to me :(#and theres so so much more that im forgetting bc its been a while since i watched the show#so alls i can say is lance deserved better he deserved more he couldve been such a character!!#but ik there is so much more to it and i have more to say about his death but i just dont have the words
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GUYS GUYS I CAN'T KSODKLSOSL!!!1!!1LKDKJ;;S !!!l1JK!::kKD;P SOSKSLSPSODS A;SDOKDLAD I CAN'T EVEN FORM WORDS
spoilers for ep 12 (and a bit for trigun in general) and my overexited ramblings under the cut
you know an episode will be good when where's no opening
so, the twins are meant to be characterized straightforward in every anime adaptation, ig. it's not bad, but the manga twists their personalities 180° and it adds SO MUCH nuance (I'll talk about this at length some day)
tbh I had to pause for laughter when knives was YEETED outta the gate (I have sense of humor of a five year old)
everybody already said everything, but still. OG HAIR COMEBACK OMG AHRAHAAKFJDlahjddjha!!!!!!!! ;!!! ;! and not only hair, but the whole characterization this episode was much closer to trimax vash, and not just sadboy depressive bbg
MERYL/REM PARALLELS LETS GOOOO!!! like, I guessed this would happen, but the visuals, the tension and pure GRATITUDE in vash's voice when he was able to break free from his mental prison... we're eating good
speaking of eating, I CAN'T get over that moment when vash deadass BIT KNIVES. that's peak sibling behavior, he's literally fighting tooth and nail over there
also mashwood is so real tonight!! love love love meryl&nico interactions in stampede, they barely spoke to each other in other versions! and the look of relief on vash's face when he sees nico skedaddling away with meryl!!! he's so glad that they're gonna be okay and that nico made the right choice and came back to help, if briefly. interstingly, he was able to remember everyone, but after the explosion at the end he still lost his memory.
and THE WINGS, DUDE!!!! it gives the finale of trimax, when they both had only one wing left..... still missing feathers, but I love the diversity with knives's, eh... knives, and vash's energy/void or whatever that is, I support it
he's so pathetic even when he looks cool, homeboy had NO control when he used his wing for the first time... cudos for learning new powers on the spot tho
ow ow ow that scene with the military hurt... and he couldn't even save them!
"why are you like that, vash?" "I'm vash the stampede" "IT'S BEEN OVER A CENTURY AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU COULD CAME UP WITH" same here, knives, he's hopeless. I anticipated that moment, but it probably hits even hard for stampede onlys
angel arm!!! tho it's not that angelic now... how are we gonna call it? I take suggestions. rip arm and coat, I feel like we'll actually get a more trimax leaning design next season!
to all the ppl (myself included) who wanted to see vash cry properly... are you happy? ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY??? after the last episode, after all the mental torture knives put him through, vash still doesn't want to hurt him and, just like knives, can't handle the distance between them.......... I am inconsolable. and as much as knives wanted to break vash, it hurts him so much to see those tears irl....... but he just can't stop, because they're both SO FUCKING STUBBORN and it already took to much to get there and he just can't. stop. now.
"nai is dead, you killed him" first of all, *sounds of screaming crying throwing up*. second of all, his name is million knives, vash, stop deadnaming your brother/j
the death scene itself.... oh it's soo good and yummy. I know this mf isn't fully dead and conrad will fix him, but still. he can have a second death of self as a treat
btw, gotta adress my earlier theory about "happy birthday" being metaphorical. no, it is in fact July 21st, and tristamp lasted about two months in universe. still pretty hard for me to believe, it felt five times shorter due to the pacing. but it is what it is: I'm esht and I was wrong, I'm singing the esht wrong song
and just as I thought this would be the end of it, WE GOT A FLASH FORWARD THAT HAD BASICALLY EVERYTHING WE WERE HOPING FOR AND MORE
RAISED BOUNTY! MERYL GIRLBOSSIFICATION!! a hint at insurance society (tho that was more of a threat and she's still a journalist). MILLY CONFIRMATION!!! ERIKS' LACK OF ARM AND AMNESIA!!!! EARTH FLEET AND CHRONICA!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
IT'S GONNA BE GOOD SEASON 2 IS GONNA BE EVEN BETTER I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONE MARROW
#this episode destroyed me#but when it also gave me life and hope in the future of stampede#cause it's not great. it's definitely good but has problems. I'll wait for the entire dub to come out so I can binge it and analyse properl#but the ending is great and I honestly think that the 2nd season could fix things and become better#let 'em cook is what I'm saying#I need to process all of this. might draw something#trigun stampede#trigun#vash the stampede#vash#nicholas d. wolfwood#trigun stampede spoilers#millions knives#trigun spoilers#wolfwood#meryl stryfe#milly thompson
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who is here for a really bad and random high school au that is completely self indulgent yo
in which levi loses a bet with erwin and mike and is forced to audition for their school’s production of les misérables, he tries to mess up the audition but somehow he still sucks less than everyone so he ends up getting the part of marius??? and he can’t quit because it will influence negatively on his grades??? idk imagine levi reading the script without knowing shit about the play and reading all the cheesy lines for the first time and him hating every single thing about this situation until the first day of rehearsal where he meets the person who will play cosette, his weird schoolmate hanji who shares some classes with him who is always spending time in the school laboratory to do experiments and shit and oh. Oh.
at first dude wants to Scream because he just can’t bear the thought of acting like a booby who is madly in love (quoting old les mis memes from years ago here) with this wEiRdO who somehow has a pretty fucking amazing voice and wow maybe this weirdo,,,,, isn’t a bad weirdo. how bizzarre
Maybe just maybe as the days go by they start spending time together because hey! Looks like they are polar opposites but at the same time they have SO! MANY! things in common!!! and they eventually use rehearsing as an excuse to spend even more time together! and they bond over the fact that they’re supposed to play characters who are SO distant and different from how they are irl and levi finds out that hanji tried to audition as a joke but got the part bc she can actually S I N G like an angel and has a really solid head voice and range despite being a mezzo and cosette needing a soprano bc her parents forced her to take lessons, while levi despite having a decent singing voice actually had to have the songs lowered a lil bc bby is a baritone in a tenor role and has never had lessons and can’t support all the notes but fear not! Hanji offers to teach him some tips and tricks and whoops now they’re spending even more time together
And maybe just maybe it becomes easier for levi to sing “in my life she has burst like the music of angels, the light of the sun, and my life seems to stop as if something is over and something has scarcely begun”, maybe it comes natural for levi to stutter his line in “a heart full of love, a heart full of song, i’m doing everything all wrong” because?? he is looking right at hanji’s really pretty brown eyes and he can’t concentrate?? and he hates feeling like this lmaooo like sweaty palms butterflies fast heartbeat,,,,, boi is in love and he doesn’t realize it he just thinks he’s constipated
anyway let’s spice shit up and add erwin to the mix! erwin knows hanji, they’re childhood friends and they actually met through their singing lessons, the dude who was going to play enjolras gets idk chicken pox and the director is frantically looking for a substitute, levi wants to get back at erwin for making him audition in the first place (it’s all in good faith tho it’s a joke and they’re best friends dw he just wants to have a lil revenge) and suggests erwin, not knowing that he and hanji know each other and that he actually has been trained in singing so yeah erwin gets called for a last-minute audition and dude SMASHES it the director’s crying tears of joy they found their authentic tall hot blonde enjolras who looks like he’d be a great commander and people would die for him (;DDDDD) and during rehearsal levi finds erwin and hanji chatting like old friends!! and dude’s like wtf do u know each other??? and hanji says hell yes we studied together since we were children :D and just because i am huge huge erumike trash lemme say that mike got a lil part bc they needed ensemble members and he got to play grantaire so yeah enjoy both e/R and erumike there we go erwin gets to act with his boyfriend!! and they both watch levi and hanji during rehearsal and see how they obviously pine for each other but are far too oblivious for their own good so they decide here and there that they must get those two together bc it’s exHAUSTING to watch them stare lovingly into each other’s eyes and hold hands and kiss and then brush it off saying “it’s just acting we literally have to play a couple”
anyway the day of the show is here ladies and gentlemen levi is nervous af but doesn’t show it, he has to act like a lovesick fool in front of the whole school, the students, the teachers, the parents, EVERYONE and oh my god i hate it here might become his gratuation quote but all he needs is hanji backstage who squeezes his hand and whispers “can’t wait for you to sweep me off my feet shorty” which is extremely cringy but hanji did it on purpose just to see levi get embarassed and he does lmao so yeah the show goes amazingly! levi went flat a few times on the higher parts but it’s totally normal bby’s not trained and he did great everyone praise the birthday boy he deserves it
it’s after the show that things get a lil sad for our boi bc now he doesn’t have to rehearse anymore and is afraid that hanji won’t spend time with him anymore bc the show’s over :(( but fear NOT hanji plans on glueing herself to his side for the rest of the schoolyear and until they graduate and even after that and years later they’ve graduated college they’ve been living together for a while and they go to see the actual show on bway done by professionals and hanji acts weird all evening and OH as they’re going home she stops in the middle of the streets and whips out two lil matching rings,,,,,,, and says the cringiest cheesiest fucking thing in the world that has levi groaning and facepalming,,,,,, hanji says “will u be the marius to my cosette” and yeah levi just sighs and puts the ring on his finger and they smooch under the moonlight aw isn’t that CUTE and they lived happily ever after victor hugo is smiling down at them from the afterlife and patting himself on the back for helping them get together
NOW THERE’S TOO MUCH FLUFF AND I NEED ANGST TO BALANCE IT OUT so imagine this is also a reincarnation au and whenever levi sings “empty chairs at empty tables” he gets a weird feeling in his stomach and he gets really emotional singing “oh my friends my friends forgive me that i live and you are gone, there’s a grief that can’t be spoken, there’s a pain goes on and on” and “oh my friends my friends don’t ask me what your sacrifice was for, empty chairs at empty tables where my friends will sing no more”?? He blames it on the character getting to him too much but then he sees the scene where the students sing drink with me and the lyrics “drink with me to days gone by, can it be you fear to die, will the world remember you when you fall, could it be your death means nothing at all, is your life just one more lie” sound really familiar and resonate with him somehow as if he heard similar words somewhere else already, he sees erwin playing enjolras and being a commander giving orders and singing “let others rise to take our place until the earth is free”, he sees the scene where all the students get shot at the barricade and die one by one and he feels his head pulse and he has the strongest feeling of deja-vu and suddenly everything goes black and he wakes up in the infirmary with a very worried hanji sitting on a chair beside him and he really can’t explain what happened except that he feels like he just woke up from a very long dream and he feels like he fought through a battle and hanji just waves it off as him taking the stanislavski technique a bit too seriously for a high school play but the feeling doesn’t really ever go away and sticks with him even years later whenever he hears les mis being mentioned
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Detroit Evolution
So
These are some notes that I took while I watched DE for the first time. It’s a lot. Like, six pages, a lot. I decided I should probably spare everyone’s dashboards and put it under a cut.
Warning: overuse of the fuck word because I am a dramatic little shit who gets overwhelmed easily
- Alright here we go. I don’t know if I’m mentally prepared to go through this hhhhh
- THE CINEMATOGRAPHY I NUT
- fuck he smellin the flowers good
- “hey tin can :P” “good morning gavin :P”
- I’m actually fucking crying IVE HAD TO PAUSE SO MANY TIMES JUST TO BREATHE AND IM ONLY AT 1:25
- FUCK ITS 1:27 AND HES FIXING HIS COLLAR HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WATCH THIS WHEN MY VISION IS BLURRY WITH TEARS
- “I don’t need to breathe” BAZINGA
- *slaps my face repeatedly* keep it together bitch
- “I like the way you look<3” aaaaaaaaannd here I go again
- HAHAHA HE WAS DAYDREAMING SAME NINES SAME
- oh god oh god witty banter WITTY BANTER I CANT FUNCTION
- C H R I S IM SCREAMING
- detective motha fuckin chris I don’t need to see any more I got what I came for
- Honestly all they need to do to calm down the protestors is get nines out there so he can say “please stop you’re being very mean >:/“ and they would probably just go home ngl
- “I’ve never been intimidated by people who hate androids” OH MY GOD NINES WITH THE BAZINGA’S TODAY WHAT A LEGEND
- can I just say the white jacket is such a power move I can’t believe nines invented fashion
- Gavin bein soft and reaching back for Nines in the crowd🥺homygod
- Gavin “no one calls him plastic but ME” Reed
- The only time I will support police brutality™️
- Gavin is so OP we stan
- Nines “you raise a fist, then I get PISSED😡” RK900
- “y’all have a nice day” Protect Detective Chris Miller at all costs
- Nines sees Gavin’s scars as charming PUT ME TO DEATH
- ADA OH LORD SHES STUNNING IM SOBBING
- Okay I need to pause and breathe again the cinematography got me chokin
- Uh ooohhh someone is jeeaaalouus😛
- Nines really said “no worry fam I’ll airdrop the case files to u”
- Ada: *exists*
- me: I hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me
- HA GAV DEFINITELY JEALOUS RIP
- And nines back at it again with the sass I AM LIVING
- Chris and Gavin’s reactions to Nines imitating Ada is the best thing I’ve seen all year
- “I can do your voice too” HIS FACE IMDBDHDJKDJD CRYIGGGSBSN
- oh ;-; shit Michael really finna make me cri
- God damn the intro credits are so beautiful
- TINAAAAAAA BABYYYYY
- Real coffee hours with the sharktreuse mug🦈
- “our boy” SHIT IM CRYING AGAIN
- Tina knows Gavin was absolutely feral before Nines appeared at the DPD
- Half An Asshole squad please stand up we ride at dawn
- Gavin with the knockoff timbs WE STAN😎
- maybe “thank god, I hate you, you love me, move your feet, oop” will be our always
- I’m living for the whole “criminal minds” vibe goin on here
- Bruh Gavin got the hook-ups fr fr
- ❤️WITTY BANTER WITTY BANTER WITTY BANTER W❤️
- The level of reed900 is staggering
- I’ve had to pause and breathe so many times it’s pathetic I’m not even 15 mins in
- GAVIN SAID mwah<3🖕IM FUCKING DIED
- 850% godt damn Nines got that IOS 50 update
- NINES PUT CHRIS’ PROMOTION PARTY IN THE CALENDAR WHAT A GOOD DAD
- maybe “our calendar” will be our always
- Chris “wingman of the year” Miller
- Who’s that Pokémon??? It’s JEALOUS GAV
- The way Nines said “I don’t feel anything for her.” I see you bud
- insecure Gavin needing reassurance™️
- Im fucking dying I fucking died bro BRO WE ALL KNOW WHO YOURE TALKING ABOUT, NINES, WE ALL KNOW
- Asexual Nines FTW👊😤👏👏👏❤️He gives zero fucks of ANY kind
- AN ANGEL HAS APPEARED WITH A GLOWY BLUE SCARF
- BREAKING NEWS: affection-starved Gavin™️ is literally begging for love
- GAVIN REED STOP BEING MEAN TO GAVIN REED OR ELSE
- “But there’s much more to admire about you than to detest, I think.”<333
- JJ not being suspicious at all nope no way Jose
- Lazzo has said two words and I love him already
- I don’t think I’ve seen this episode of COPS before🤔🤔🤔
- We all know Nines secretly wants to wear those fun glasses
- “Officer I swear I’ve never seen that arm in my life, it’s my friend’s he just asked me to hold it for him, Android arm what android arm heh”
- “Like robot arms, not gun arms.” You’re doing great sweetie🥰
- HAND TOUCH HAND TOUCH HAND TOUCH H
- Chris “the interrogator” Miller😎
- THE CINEMATOGRAPHY
- soft n sleepy gav™️ is soft n sleepy
- FUCKING SLEEVELESS SWEATSHIRT IVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT GAV IN A SLEEVELESS SWEATSHIRT FOR SO LONG AND NOW IT’S REAL IM
- You can wear my😋😘sweeaatshiiiirt😝😁🤗 (I’m sorry I had to)
- inconspicuous loving glances™️
- #GiveAndroidsFuckinHealthcare2K20
- AAAHHHHHHHH I CANTT BREAF
- HEAD>ON>SHOULDER
- INCONSPICUOUS LOVING GLANCES™️
- Gavin has not slept in 80 years
- He really said “I’m fine” BITCH
- Bed time for brats™️ no later than 8:30pm
- hell yeah sleepover time
- “stop lookin at my insides n shit” I want that on a t shirt
- ANDROID DREAMS
- Nines is so soft I might die
- But he’s somehow equally suave as fuck how is this fair
- Oh my god dream!gavin is like Nines’ conscious this is so presh
- “What do you think Gavin was gonna say?” nsndJSKDOFIWKDBDNDNSJDBBDJDJDJDNDJXJNDIFUIFIEKWN HES STILL THINKING ABOUT THEIR CONVO
- dream!gavin you sly dog
- “To have this. Out there.” DONT FUCK WITH MY HEART LIKE THAT THIS INNER-MONOLOGUE FLUFF IS SO SWEET
- Nines being insecure™️
- Listen to dream!gavin, Nines, he has big brain
- The fact that Nines subconsciously KNOWS that irl!Gav “just wants someone that doesn’t hate him” but he’s STILL like alas, I can never be what gavin needs :’(
- nu babie don’t be sad🥺
- oh my god they’re both train wrecks protect them at all cost
- c r i p e s❤️the reed900 hurt/comfort we all needed
- FUCK
- Concerned boyfriends™️
- Maybe “I’m fine” will be our always
- GAV🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💔💔💔💔💔💔
- Insecure boyfriends™️
- Nines “I’m not going to get any closer to Gavin because I can’t help him but also I want to cuddle with him because he had a nightmare” RK900
- did someone say c a t
- dumb babie gav jus spoon the dumb android so you both feel better
- Me: *rubs evil hands together* aha here comes the angst
- cue tragic backstory
- oh
- tragic backstory indeed
- YES DAD!FOWLER WE LOVE
- Gavin is so desperate for anyone to care about him I’m crying tears
- SHIT IT’S CUDDLE TIME™️ NOW IM REALLY FUCKING CRYING
- Alexa this is so god damn sad play despacito
- YES
- HAND>HOLDING
- HEAD>ON>SHOULDER
- NINES’ SKIN RETRACTING WHERE THEIR HANDS ARE TOUCHING THIS IS LIKE EVERY REED900 STAN’S DREAM COME TRUE
- Oh shit it’s about to get domestic I don’t think I’m mentally prepared
- YOU CAN WEAR MY😝💪SWEEAATSHIIIIIIRT🤪🔥🔥🔥 (I’m never letting the sleeveless sweatshirt thing go)
- Uh oh NO FUCK I’ve read enough fan fiction to know that this is where Gavin’s fucking trust issues kick in and he decides pushing nines away is safer than getting closer to him SHIT
- AND NINES GETS CONFUSED AND HURT
- AND THEN GAVIN GETS HURT
- I feel angst in this Chili’s tonight
- “I need you to leave” aaaaaaahhhhhhhh here come a whole different kind of tears
- frick dude that ouches
- Insert sad babie noises
- Oml the tension☠️poor Chris and Ada are like😑😑
- Chris could solve this case all by himself change my mind
- Gavin and Nines = (ò///-///ó)
- Chris = :D~oblivious~
- HELL YEAH PARTY TIME
- BEST WIVES TINA AND VALERIE AHHHH
- reed900 who??? I don’t know her. I only know ❤️valerina❤️
- I can’t believe Gavin and Nines invented angst
- I went and got blue gatorade just so I could pretend I was drinking thirium like Nines
- #DetectiveChen2K20
- real sad gavin hours
- Ruh roh Gavin bouta die from the ‘rona virus because rat man smokes hella
- CINEMATOGRAPHY CHEEEEECK HOLY SHIT
- my entire aesthetic in a single shot jfc
- Aaaaahhhh Nines trying to be a supportive bf just makes me ;-; [takes damage]
- HES ACCEPTED GAVIN AS MORE THAN A PARTNER🥺that, my friends, is what we call character development
- We stan the otp aggressively talking about their feelings
- “I’m not going anywhere.” FUCK™️
- SMOKE>FACE
- Aaaaand they’re back at square one. It’s cool it’s fine it’s all good we can work with this.
- Gavin: I don’t need you ò-ó
- Gavin: *immediately after Nines leaves* fuck ó-ò
- “It’s fine”™️
- I love Ada so much hhhhhh she said 🤨
- “Basic Instinct” TINA WITH THE HEAT OMG
- *nervous laugh* haha Ada sis maybe chill a little bit ha ha
- oh no I have a not good feeling
- ADA CHILL ADA CHILL
- WHY IS HE FOLLOWING HER INTO AN ALLEY AFTER THAT SKETCHY TALK
- AAA FUCK FUCK FUCJDJEMNSNDJDNXU FUCK I FUCKING KNEW IT FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK
- 😖x1000000
- Oh my god this is so fucking sad Alexa play The Sound of Silence
- Nines got fucked up and Gavin is CONCERNED
- aayyyyy bro Nines full on nakey
- Tina and Gavin sad bro huggin👊😔
- ADA HOW DARE YOU. HOW VERY DARE YOU.
- Uh oh Nines is fckn PISSED
- he MAD mad
- Tina speakin straight facts I love her
- WOOP GAVIN FINALLY ADMITTING HE NEEDS NINES
- f u c k right in the heart
- I don’t want to attempt writing any notes at this moment because my thoughts are completely incoherent I am a MESS
- “I need you to come back, Nines.” DONT PLAY W ME LIKE THAT
- HAND HOLDING FTW
- Did Gavin really almost bring Nines back through the power of love I am SHAKING
- Dream!Gavin speaking truth as ALWAYS
- These damn flashbacks making me feel some type of way
- OH SHIT HE AWAKE
- that actually low key jump scared me
- God damn these sets are so fucking pro, I’m so happy
- REUNION
- Tina really say “Chris ;) ;) lets go get some ;) coffee ;) ;) ;) ;)”
- CHRIS’ REALIZATION FACE FUCKING LAID ME OUT I HAD TO PAUSE I WAS LAUGJINB SO HARD
- You Undead Asshole™️
- Gavin: ( ⚆ _ ⚆ ) fuck he actually heard me talk about my feelings n shit
- Nines: You literally told me you fucking needed me like five minutes ago
- Gavin: huh weird that doesn’t sound like me I actually hate you
- ooOOHHH S H I T
- REALLY IS THIS REALLY HAPPENIGN
- woah shit sorry I blacked out for a second what happened
- MY POOR LITTLE FUCKING REED900 HEART IS EXPLODING AND IMPLODING AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME
- CAAAAAAAAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIIIGGHTT
- holy shit I actually gave myself a bloody fucking nose because I smacked my face too hard in excitement
- ❤️💘🧡💞💕💘💓💚💛💘💞💓💛💛💞💘❤️💚💘💜💕💖❤️❤️💕💓💗💘💖💚💝❤️
- FUCK
- “What dipshit programmed you to do that?” 🥺🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️FUCK
- My aunt came in and told me she heard me shouting then asked why I was crying
- HAHA FUCKING CHRIS IS MEEEE
- shit I need to like..,,,,physically recover from that
- whew okay break time is over let’s fucking go
- Nines in the cheeky turtleneck I SEE U
- #DETECTIVECHEN2K20
- Gavin: I’m ready to take this hoe DOWN
- Initiate protocol: SAVE ADA FROM HERSELF
- I could listen to Tina talk to dispatch for hours🥰❤️❤️❤️
- WHITE TRENCH COAT WHITE TRENCH COAT WHITE TRENCH COAT WHITE T
- Gavin being hella concerned boyfriend™️
- FIGHT SCENE™️
- omfg that crowbar really went *CLANG* when it hit Ada’s steel fkn abs what a legend💪😎
- Hell yeah epic Nines gif moment
- no Ada don’t choke Gavin it only makes him stronger
- CHRIS THE MOTHER FUCKIN GOAT😎👏👏👏he really said “fuck ur monologue I’m here to get shit done”
- ADA QUEEN YOURE OKAY SWEETIE
- That character development godt damn
- I might be reaching but Gavin is now wearing a white/off-white shirt/gray that kINDA RESEMBLES DREAM!GAVIN’S SHIRT. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. THATS SYMBOLISM IF I EVER DID SEE IT.
- “buyer’s remorse, huh?”
- “I can’t be everything you need.”
- That awkward moment when you realize the person you were hiding your feelings from has also been hiding their feelings from you.
- “a year of that fuckin’...Ken Doll face smirkin’ at me every day” BE CUTER GAVIN, I DARE YOU.
- naked hand = love
- CHEEKY BASTARDS
- FUCK FUCK FUCK ME
- THAT WAS SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL
- So my review of this film could be summed up by saying that I basically cried for an hour and fifteen minutes.
- Holy damn
#fun game: watch the film and try to guess what each of these crazy ramblings is referring to#im still reeling from all of that#I think I need to watch it again#yes that sounds like a plan#this is kind of like a review#if it were written by an emotional crackhead who got zero sleep last night#also#happy easter babes#if u celebrate it of course#what did we do to deserve this film#jfc there are still tears in my eyes#I need to watch it again asap#Detroit evolution#octopunk media#reed900
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the fosters, s1e11
tw: brief mentions of (fictional) past r*pe and s*xual a*sault, foster siblings having romantic/sexual relationships, poor mental health, father figure fighting an alcohol problem, somewhat shitty commentary but that’s everything I post lmao
1k words
(started about 10 minutes in)
HELL YEAH JUDE
PREACH
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF BBY BOY
ALSO HEY BRANDON YOU PIECE OF SHIT
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE
I’M STILL PISSED AT HIM
Ju: you’re no better than liam >:(
Me: FUCK HIM UP BABY BOY
B: I love callie
[egregious puking noises]
Look ship whatever you want
Just acknowledge when things are problematic
Ship brallie to your heart’s content as long as you don’t condone in*est IRL
I’m not here to police ppl, I’m just giving opinions no one asked for cause that’s the entire purpose of this blog
Oh no jude
Poor boy
I literally hate brandon sm he needs to get his shit together
[aggressive vibing to the theme song]
[weeping] you’re surrounded by love and you’re wanted
I used to think the theme was cheesy
Now i literally love it sm
The RUBBER DUCKY
THE HAND HOLDING
Ugh ads
I really think people are overlooking jude’s feelings rn
Omfg stef’s mom (her name is sharon, bee)
I love her
I love jude and sharon’s dynamic it’s
Chef’s kiss
Immaculate
Sh: I’m not gonna break up with him cause I love his bed
“Subtext, by calvin klein ;)”
Oh right this is the bed that fucks up their marriage
Ju: I’m a taco :D
Me: [I can’t find it but the clip from b99 where boyle says I’m gonna need a minute
It cuts to a black screen that says one minute later than cuts back to charles tear and snot stained face after clearly crying a lot
Boyle: sorry for the sobbing and the wailing and the weird snorting noise I made at the end
But yeah that’s me rn]
Oh god not more jesus lexi drama
I wish mariana and jesus got along better
Also jake t austin jesus walked so noah centineo jesus could run
I love that typed out it looks like I mean jesus the religious figure
Oh shit
Lexi needs to stop gatekeeping and mariana needs to stop taking the division of time as a personal offense
I mean she and jesus are both taurus so I’m not surprised they’re clashing
Oh god callie why did you run away w wyatt
I hate wyatt
I hate the aliens dialogue
W: the government is making it seem fake oOoOoH
Literally hate it
Callie “he’s better off without me” addams foster is getting on my last fuckin nerve
Like the insensitivity?????
The not actually caring about the people around you under the guise of caring about them??????
The only difference between martyrdom and soupyslide is press coverage
The whole Wyatt And Callie On The Run thing is getting old and it’s been happening for like 10 minutes
Self sacrifice isn’t cute sis
WYATT WHAT THE FUCK
He claims to care about her and yet
Deletes the fucking voicemail from her mom??????????
What???????
Christ stef is fucking crying
Sh: my love…
STEF AND HER MOM BOTH CALL PPL MY LOVE
SO FUCKING CUTE
Now wyatt is playing the good guy???F???
Okay hold up
Look
Callie and brandon are both at fault for kissing each other at stef and lena’s wedding
which was SO cute btw
the wedding not the gross kiss
I will say that callie, who was literally r*ped by L*am, was incredibly emotionally volatile then bc everything with him had been stirred up and she just found out he wouldn’t go to jail
No one would be surprised if she did something impulsive and self destructive bc of the trauma, especially something related to having an inappropriate relationship with a foster brother
Brandon knew about all of this and he wasn’t having flashbacks or a bunch of trauma about anything
He should have stopped her or at least pushed her away
And he didn’t
I’m not saying Callie isn’t at fault too, what I am saying is that brandon had more responsibility in that situation and didn’t do what a decent person would do
WYATT AND BRANDON ARE BOTH BAD FOR CALLIE
SHE DOESN’T NEED A RELATIONSHIP RN SHE NEEDS A LOVING SUPPORTIVE FAMILY
Callie is so clearly sprialing rn
At least Wyatt is actually trying to help her
No one can handle a stressful situation in this show
I can’t describe how much I hate the pseudo end of the fucking world energy they’re going for
At least wyatt had the decency to not immediately try to share a bed w her
I like how flustered he gets cuddling her
That’s cute at least
I don’t like that callie didn’t consider that sharing a bed would make him nervous or uncomfy
OH SHIT THERE THEY ARE
MOMS HAVE ENTERED THE CHAT
And now callie, feeling trapped again, is going to run away yet again
And do something impulsive
Yet again
Jfc
Look I have trauma and a strong fight or flight response too, but I dont hurt the people I love
Hitching a ride with a trucker??????????? She’s going to put herself in a very avoidable irreversibly bad situation
I love mike getting to be a good dad figure
It’s rare with the whole alcoholic plot
I really hate that too btw
He has a comforting presence
Let him be a good dad
Mariana you can want to be vegan but pls don’t be a toxic vegan
Let people make their own choices
I love frazzled mike trying to be a good dad
I wish mariana would be a little bit more of a problem solver
If she doesn’t want any animal products or peanut butter offer to make your own lunch maybe??????
I hate how fast Jesus and Mariana forgave brandon after the whole “We ToOk YoU iN wHeN NoOnE eLsE wAnTeD yOu!!! sTeF iS mY mOm!!!!” bullshit
“Mom’s car won’t start” lmao
What the actual fuck callie
If she’s this at risk for such self destructive behavior she needs way more help
HOT GIRL WITH PINK MULLET
MARRY ME
Oh god not the begging for a job scene
I hate this part
I’m a little over half way done with the episode so I’ll cut it here, part 2 will be up shortly
#the fosters#anti brallie#netflix#show review#idk what else to tag this#s1e11#the fosters s1e11#watch with bee
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lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class
and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.
and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up
this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.
ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh
during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else.
youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up, i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.
id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry
this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.
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All for the video game ask. (do I need to mention only if u r comfy w/ it at this point). Love you!!
alright u done done it now bitchhhhhhhh are u READY 4 THIS SHIT (dshfa;lkj thamk i am so pumped ur my biggest enabler) i already answered a couple of these for anon but i’ll go ahead and answer them here as well
1. First game you played obsessively?hmmmm i wanna say the legend of spyro the eternal night? i played it so much i could beat the whole game in four hours. i’ve heard lots of ppl actually hated the legend of spyro trilogy but honestly they can suck my ass i loved them
2. A game that has influenced you creatively? Writing, drawing, etc.uh besides my answer for anon of skyrim not many games have actually just straight up influenced my art style but i’ve been playing this game called Fe (not fire emblem just Fe) and i really want to draw fanart for it bc it’s super cute if that Counts as influence?
3. Who did you play with as a kid?if this is meant in terms of co-op games nobody bc we didn’t have anyif just in general, my sister for the most part. i’d watch her play things like resident evil and she’d help me with the hard parts in medievil and crash bandicoot warped (read: racing levels)
4. Who do you play with now?myself lmao i don’t rly like co-op and multiplayer games and i prefer to play most games by myself
5. Ever use cheat codes?like i told anon, no bc i don’t know how they work and i’d probably only use them for the sims anyways
6. Ever buy strategy guides?not really? once we bought the collectors edition for diablo II when i was little and it included the strategy guide which i stayed up all night to read (bc i had run out of other reading materials in the house) but like i don’t really use them idk
7. Any games you have multiple copies of?the sims three and i know you know the reason why but in case anybody else wants to know: i didn’t know they had actually completely changed the game since i had played it last probably a decade ago so i bought it @ walmart this year and then i got mad bc it apparently SUCKS ASS now so in search of a copy of the original version i bought a second one from amazon bc the Image being used WAS of the original case but it really was the new version so now i have two SHITTY SHITTY VERSIONS of a game i used to love that i will never play bc it’s shit except maybe i will bc apparently it has real life music in it just replaced with sims language which is amazing and this response is far too long for the question but i asked u if u were ready so u signed up 4 thisi also have an xbox version of it tht i got for like christmas or smth years ago and a,,,,,, ds version??? that i got last year bc somebody was selling “the original version of the game including every expansion pack” for only like $30 and it definitely said disk version but when i got it it was this Pre-owned Dirty Ds Cartridge Covered In What Looked Like Strawberry Jelly and when i tried to contact them they shut their page down so there’s that which equals four shitty shitty copies of the sims three and i will never be more mad about anything than i am about this
8. Rarest/Most expensive game in your collection?uh well back when i had a job i spent A Lot of money (to me it was a lot) to get the collectors edition of the last guardian so that would be my most expensive. other than that i would have to say one of the hardest to find (maybe not rare but not common)games i have currently is medievil for ps1 bc it took me like a week of searching to find a copy in good condition online for sale bc i rly wanted to own it again since we had to sell all my old games when we moved to oregon which sucked bc we had a Bunch of cool games (mostly early ps era)
9. Most regrettable purchase?did you see my rant about the sims three for answer 7? yeah
10. Ever go to a midnight game release or stand in line for hours?never lived in an area where that is A Thing
11. Have you ever made new friends from playing video games?i wanna make a homestuck joke here (srsly probably not like i said i don’t rly do any type of co-op or multiplayer games so)
12. Ever get picked on for liking games?not really?? is that a Thing?
13. A game you’ve never played that everyone else has?uh idk literally any COD game, basketball games, Fallout games, overwatch, anything that’s co-op, shooter games or sports related etc idk i’m a simple fellow these types of games don’t appeal to me
14. Favorite game music?idk what this means? like genre-wise??? idk abt stuff like that i just like good game music but i’ll tell you the fuck what, hiveswap music fuckin SLAPPED
15. If it was a requirement to get a game related tattoo, what would you pick?fuck shit idk man i don’t rly want a tattoo maybe uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh smth that could be vague
16. Favorite game to play with your friends IRL?idk rip lmao
17. Ever lose a friend over a game?Nah man i can’t even imagine smth as dumb as that unless they’re screaming racist or sexist slurs bc then friendship is terminated but otherwise like wtf it’s just a game,,,
18. Would you date someone that hates gaming?i mean?????? sure????????????? they don’t have to game with me??????????? unless they tell me I can’t game bc they don’t like it in which case Bye u controlling piece of shit
19. Favorite handheld console?u kno those games that used to come in sonic happy meals? yah (jk uh i don’t have much experience w/ handheld consoles besides nintendo ds-es and they’re cool)
20. Game that you know like the back of your hand?like i said i played spyro the eternal night so often i could beat it in four hours so probably that one.
21. Game that you didn’t like or understand as a kid but love now?the only games i didn’t like as a kid i p much still don’t like now
22. Do you wear game related clothing/accessories?i am Poor
23. The game that you’ve logged the most hours into?currently skyrim or stardew valley
24. First Pokemon game?I didn’t get to play any pokemon games until this year actually but i got myself pokemon y and ultra sun so those are my first two! although you Could technically say pokemon go bc i played that for the first time like One month before i got y and ultra sun but like idk if tht counts so *shrug emoji*
25. Were you ever an arcade game player?i never lived where arcades were a thing tbh
26. Ever form any gaming rivalries?Why
27. Game that makes you rage?there’s this absolutely adorable and INFURIATING game called so many me that’s a puzzle platformer but the controls are so ridiculously precise that it’s absolutely the WORST to play bc unless you do it just right at just the right millisecond you will die over and over and over
28. Ever play in a tournament?nah
29. What is your gaming set up?the livingroom tv and my mom’s xbox one or my bedroom with my ps4 i got for my birthday and my xbox 360 that i got like 7 years ago
30. How many consoles do you own?alright so If ds-es count i own,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, roughly seven? i have my new ps4 i got for my birthday last year, my 7 year old xbox 360, another xbox 360 i bought from a kid @ school, a ps1 i bought last year for the Nostalgia that’s in rly good condition, a rly old ds lite a rly old 3ds and my new pokeball 2dsxl. i would also say that the ps3 my aunt left when she died is mine bc my mom never used it and she had bought most of the games For Me and Her to play together anyways so the idea that she left it to my mom is,,,, Weird but my mom claims it was left to her so Shrug emoji
31. Does the 3DS and/or Virtual Boy hurt your eyes or give you headaches?“virtual boy” i love it omg. uh not really i don’t use my ds-es that often bc i don’t have a just wild amount of games but when i do use them it doesn’t rly mess w/ my brain or eyes too much
32. Did you ever play a game based on your favorite show/cartoon/movie/comic?probably not?
33. Did you ever have any bootleg games or plug-n-play games?i don’t think so tbh
34. Do either of your parents play video games?my mom does but she really only plays like three games (the newest assassins creed, skyrim, and stardew valley)
35. Ever work in a game store? Or do you have a favorite game shop?nope
36. Have you ever shed actual blood, sweat or tears over a game?man have u ever heard of brotherhood a tale of two sons? mom told me abt it and she didn’t warn me abt how it ended and i had to leave the room and cry bc it broke my heart
37. Have you played E.T. for the Atari 2600? Do you think that’s the worst game ever, or do you have another nomination?i didn’t know that was a thing
38. A game you’re ashamed to admit that you like?i can’t think of any tbh. oh wait i take that back sonic unleashed it’s terrible but i love it
39. A sequel that you would die for them to make?maybe not a sequel but they rly need to come out with another stardew valley type thing or maybe expansions or smth so that you can talk to and befriend more ppl and stuff
40. What to you think of virtual reality headsets or motion controls?never been able to try them but they look super fun and i can’t wait to see how they improve the technology
41. A genre that you just can’t get into?multi-player games period. also first person shooters and sports games. there’s more but i can’t remember the title of the game bc i don’t know what genre it would be lmao
42. Maybe it wasn’t your first game, but what was the game that started you on your path to nerdiness?i assume this means game related nerdiness not just my inherent nerdiness in general so probably the very first spyro game
43. Ever play games when you really should have been concentrating on something else?all the time my dude
44. Arcade machine that has consumed the most of your quarters?none
45. How are you at Mario Kart?probably shit i’m not good @ steering in games
46. Do you like relaxing games like Animal Crossing or Harvest Moon?i love them! i have like 100+ hours logged into stardew valley and i only got it in like november of last year
47. Do you like competitive games?not really
48. How long does it take your to customize your player character?so long. i either have to make them gorgeous or beautifully hideous
49. In games where you can pick your class, do you always tend to go for the same type of character?yah tbh lmao. i have like eight thief stone khajits in skyrim rn
50. If you were a game designer, what masterpiece would you create?i have a Lot of ideas and not all of them are good
51. Have you ever played a game for so long that you forgot to eat or sleep?forgetting to sleep, yes. forgetting to eat? no
52. A game that you begged your parents for as a kid?i was a very sheltered kid i didn’t know about new games coming out when i was little bc we didn’t have any way for me to find out About Them. i’m making up for it by begging as an adult for ni-no-kuni II and the new spyro trilogy remastered
53. What’s your opinion on DLC these days?depends on the game tbh some of it is good and a lot of ppl who make mods are rly talented but sometimes the big companies just make dlc to make more money so it can be rly shitty so it’s kinda a 50/50
54. Do you give in to Steam sales?heck yes rn i’m waiting for house flipper to go on sale bc i’ve been waiting for it to come out since i found out abt it
55. Did you ever make someone you hated in the Sims and did mean stuff to them?no my style of playing the sims was more along the lines of make a hundred houses that are all P Much The Same House and making a hundred familys and never playing literally any of them hadflskja;sdfjdslkhja i just liked building stuff and that’s why i’m pissed abt how much they changed the sims three bc it used to be Way Better
56. Did you ever play Roller Coaster Tycoon and kill off your guests?we didn’t have it but i did have zoo tycoon and i’d release the dinosaurs sometimes
57. Did you ever play a game to 100% or get all of the achievements?legend of spyro the eternal night
58. If you can only play 3 games for the rest of your life, which ones do you pick?uh!!! that’s too much pressure and i would get so bored playing them for the rest of my life even if i loved them so i will not choose
59. Do you play any cell phone games?sort of? i’m big into abyssrium and i like viridi if those Count?
60. Do you know the Konami Code???????????????????????? guess not
61. Do you trade in your games or keep them forever?keep them forever!
62. Ever buy a console specifically to play one game?i got the last guardian before getting the ps4 does that answer ur question? (jk that is not the only reason i wanted and got the ps4 but it was One big reason)
63. Ever go to a gaming convention or tournament? nah
64. Ever make a TV or monitor purchase based on what would be best for gaming?not really? i just use whatever i currently have bc i am lame
65. Ever have a Game Genie, Game Shark or Action Replay? Did it ever mess up your game’s save file?nope
66. Did you ever have have an old Nokia with Snake on it?not a nokia but we had this one handheld thing that had a bunch of games in it that included snake i just can’t remember what it was it had like letters and numbers and it needed like regular batteries and you could only play the games that came programmed on it
67. Do you have a happy gaming-related childhood memory you want to share?i cannot think of any right off the top of my head even though i know i played a lot of video games and loved them when i was little. hm it might not count as like a gaming-related childhood memory and more of just a memory of a game but we did have one really interesting little game that i absolutely loved i think we only rented it but u were a scientist who could turn into a mouse and it was absolutely amazing i loved it i have no idea what it was called hm
68. Ever save up a ton of tickets in an arcade to get something cool?not really we didn’t have arcades around where i grew up
69. In your opinion, best game ever made? there are a lot of rly good ones i can’t choose a best game
70. Very first game you ever beat? like i told anon i’m p sure it was crash bandicoot warped
WHEW this was rly fun thank u for enabling me it took me like two hours to answer this i’m so happy. ilu 2 man hope ur day has been rad!
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OKAY Y’ALL I JUST SAW INFINITY WAR AND SINCE A LOT OF YOU ARE LEAVING YOUR THOUGHTS HERE I THOUGH I’D DO IT TOO
Spoilers, by the way
If you keep scrolling down, it’s your own fault. Like, I’ve told you bro.
·Okay, so I knew Loki was going to die? (Because I’m a person with anxiety and I had to know who was going to die before I went to the theatre because otherwise I was going to have a full on anxiety attack while seeing the movie). Anyways, I knew he was going to die, but like, it crushed my soul? Odison... right in my already dead heart?
·Also, character development: “we have a hulk”. YES HONEY YOU DO.
·He fucking loves his brother, and Thor sobs are still on my mind, thank you so much (I’ll talk about the actors later, because holy god).
·Don’t kill me, but I’ve never shipped Pepperony? Like, she’s not a bad character, I just think their relationship is not healthy. I don’t want to get too much into it, but… yeah, she actually annoyed me in this movie (even tho I love Gwyneth Paltrow). Also, Tony was so done with the fight before it even started lmao.
·Sometimes Bruce annoys me, but I enjoyed him very much in this movie.
·”You broke up? Like a band? Like the Beatles?” … dude, that killed me. The whole audience clacked.
·Peter and Tony fight well together and I love my father and son duo and yeah.
·Also, Peter Parker saying he should’ve stayed in the bus: YES BABY BOY YOU SHOULD WE DON’T WANT THE UGLY ASS GRAPE GETTING TO YOU.
Okay, let’s divide now this into the three groups they kind of created, because if not it’s going to be so messy:
·Never shipped Wanda and Vision, but in this movie, man, they made me feel things.
·Never liked Wanda that much either, but in this movie: YES HUN YOU TELL THEM HOW IT’S DONE. She’s a badass.
·Everyone clapped when Cap came into frame. Same for Natasha.
·”Where are we going?” “Home” BITCH I WAS SO EMOTIONAL.
·Also, when he tells Ross the Earth has just lost it’s best protector I lost it. He fucking means Tony, he’s there but Tony’s not, and maybe he was hopeful to hear Tony’s voice when he hears the phone, but it’s not him and- okay, I’ll stop, it’s too much. I hope him receiving the call it’s one of the deleted scenes, I need to see that, as much as it’ll destroy me.
·I missed some more Cap. Russo brothers said the people who are less in this movie have more screen time in Avengers 4, so I’m counting on it.
·WAKANDA. Everyone cheered when it appeared in the screen, and with Bucky too.
·Okay but Shuri honey I love you. I love how she’s so confident in herself: THAT’S WHAT WE NEED. Queen, just queen.
·Just everything in Wakanda, c’mon. The battle? Dear god it was beautiful to watch. I have too much to say about it, but, just one word: stunning. Also: teamwork.
·I freaking love the Guardians man. They served as the comic relief but also had some emotional moments. They were just perfect.
·Also, Thor and the Guardians. The entire theatre was clacking the whole time lmao.
·Really loved Thor-Groot- Rocket (Rabbit, lmao). Also, Thor in the battle… I’ll save that for later.
·GAMORA FUCKING GOD’S SHAKE. Like, when she’s talking to Peter… I love you, you precious human being.
·You can literally see in her eyes when she realises Thanos loves her, so he’s going to sacrifice her. The pain I felt in that moment oh my god. She deserved way better and I’m always going to be bitter about it. Just… too emotional. My poor baby Gamora.
·Can I say how much I love the relationship between Tony and Peter? Like, they have so much more confidence when talking to each other now? Peter is not that timid young boy around Tony so much
·”If you look at it, it’s your fault” Peter at Tony, saying it’s his fault Spidey is in space. Dude, it was so funny to look at them interact, and the Homecoming Peter would never say this, but… after that scene that phrase is going to haunt Tony…
·Also, Strange questioning their relationship (Peter and Tony’s) was the best thing lmao.
·When Peter is officially an Avenger and he smiles and straightens himself… baby, I love you so much (also Tony you motherf,you knighted Peter oh god hahahhaa)
·Tony and Peter, Strange and the Guardians. Just… I love them, the group they made and how they worked (their dynamic, too).
·”Is still Footlose the best movie of history?”
·”Well, it never was…” dead, the whole theatre bursted laughing so hard...
·So, let’s start with the battles. Wakanda: it’s so fucking beautiful. Okoye’s determination when M’Baku says they’re going to destroy Wakanda was… ugh, I love her.
·That scene was so well made holy shit.
·Like, seriously, can’t get over it.
·Wanda, Okoye and Nat. I LOVE MY STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS who don’t need any man to be powerful. Like: YES.
·When Thor arrived, literally the whole theatre started to clap and cheer for him. It was awesome.
·Also, Steve’s “I am Steve Rogers”. YES YOU ARE YOU PRECIOUS BEAN.
·Oh, and Steve to Thor about how he cut his hair and Thor saying how Steve copied his beard is life. I missed them together.
·Also, Bruce saying how the fucking aliens are now screwed was such a mood.
·Battle in Titan: they were slaying. Holy hell. They were fighting so well as a group.
·Really loved the Peters using Strange’s portals to fight. So cool.
·I fell more in love each time Peter P gets into action. Like, never change, please.
·I know it’s all Strange plan. He has seen all of the outcomes, so he probably knew about Peter breaking down, but goddamn it, I was really annoyed in that moment.
·When Tony got stabbed the whole theatre started to yell in agony. Like, everyone was shook. And then he started to pour blood from his mouth and oh my god…
·Peter Parker saving the Guardians and saying sorry for not remembering their names, oh you precious honey boo.
·I almost lost it with Strange when he gave away the Stone, even when I knew he most likely have a powerful reason.
·Peter Q’s “did we just lost” got to me man.
·Also, Tony looking at Strange… “why did you do that”. It broke me, man.
·VISION. VISION. I never cared too much about him but I started shaking so bad, I…
·When Thanos snapped the whole theatre went “no!” And then fell completely silent.
·Like, when people started to ash away there was a collective gasp and then a stunned silence. There was gasps every time someone went away, but it was mainly silent- until Peter Parker.
·When Peter said “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so well” a lot of people started to say: no, not him, not him… we all lost it so bad when he vanished.
·Also, Tony said to Quill not to move because he somehow thought of if they stayed still nothing would happen, but DOESN’T HESITATE TO MOVE WHEN PETER TALKS TO HIM BECAUSE HOLY GOD, NOT HIM, HE HAS TO GET TO PETER.
·The way he hugs him and repeatedly says: you’re fine… dude, I’m… I’m broken, I’m officially broken.
·Also, Peter saying he didn’t want to go and saying he was sorry? Yeah, I need therapy for that.
·When Tony starts to cry… dude. He looks more broken than ever, when Peter goes away.
·I just remember a lot of theories saying how his left arm was always a problem, and that it had burned and yada yada yada… and now that I know why he holds it, I’m… dude, I can’t. I honestly can’t.
·Cap’s final “Oh God” defined how the audience was feeling, pretty much. (ALSO, GROOT :( )
·Last scene and everyone was saying things like: no, it can’t end right now. When the credits came everyone started to yell, because, holy hell, it can’t end there.
·Also, everyone was expecting the credit scene after the first credits and there was a general “shush”. When nothing happened we all shared a laugh post and mid- tears. ’T was nice.
·The people who new who Fury was calling started cheering so loud- myself included.
So, pros and cons. Let’s start with the cons:
·It felt like… a massive cameo? Like, I know we got 10 years of the MCU, and everyone knows and loves the characters already, but there’s was barely no development for them? It was super well balanced with all of the heroes there was, but you feel like you barely saw the characters.
·I missed Cap. Like, I felt he had too much more to give and sometimes he seemed cold… like, I know he has had it rough, but he… I don’t know, it was weird.
·I also missed some Spidey and even some Tony. Like, I know there’s a lot of characters yada yada yada, but as much as we can know the characters, two years have passed since Homecoming? Like, we barely know what he (they, even) have been doing. His relationship with Tony has obviously evolved even more into the father- teenager and dumbass selfless hero son dynamic, but we barely saw it.
·CGI sometimes lacked, but it was overall impressive.
·When Thanos cried, I whispered: well, fuck you. Because, C’MON.
·Sometimes it felt rushed up. Like, we barely had time to process what happened in a scene and then suddenly we were living another intense moment. We couldn’t get a moment to breath, and it felt like everything happened too fast (also, literally, it happened in a day). Also, THE END. Dear God.
·When it was shown that Thanos was coming back everyone laughed in agony. Sad and funny, I guess it was.
·Also, I’m truly mad Peter Parker and Thor didn’t met. I wanted to see Chris and Tom on screen together again. They both love and respect each other so much irl… *sighs*
·Oh, and Clint and Scott on house arrest? Marvel, fuck you.
Pros:
·The whole fucking movie? Like, holy god.
·It was beautifully shot. Like, a visual masterpiece.
·The action.
·The battles, oh god.
·The comical part. It felt great, and the whole audience was laughing and it felt great. The movie balances action, drama and comedy really really well.
·I don’t specially like Strange, but I enjoyed his banter with Tony (just an afterthought).
·The score… my god.
·It was so well planned, it was so well carried, it just… it was really good.
·Also, don’t know if it’s a “pro” but my bff came to see it with me as a favor, because he doesn’t like Marvel that much, and he finished the movie totally into it. So, yay.
·Finally: THE ACTING. Dear God, it was splendid. I want to mention Chris H, because oh lord… and Tom Hiddleston. He was barely in the movie, but baby… so proud. Chris P when he asks for Gamora broke me. Elizabeth Olsen also was splendid. When Tony cries after Peter is turn into ashes, damn RDJ… you make me feel things. And finally: Tom fucking Holland, you little shit. I’m going to need therapy thanks to you. Like, wow. This man never stops surprising me with his acting. He’s superb, he needs an Oscar right about the fuck now. The way his eyes start to water once he realises he’s going away too, and how he clings to life and his broken expression… nobody can deny Tom totally killed it. I’m so so proud of him. Everyone was fantastic, but those 6 are my top.
SO… 9,5/10 for this movie. It has a few flaws and somethings I really wanted to see (it pains me to think no one of the rogues is going to see soft and Dad Tony with Peter, not for the moment) and, c’mon, we all know T’Challa and Peter, for example, are for sure coming back… like, who are they trying to fool? To be honest, is not a “Will they come back”, it’s more of a “how will they come back”. I get why they didn’t want to call it part 1 and 2, because Avengers 4 is not going to be the same story as IW, but it’s a two part-story, don’t go bullshitting me. I’m honestly scared for A4, but so excited for Captain Marvel. Also, please A4: STONY. I NEED STONY. I’m going to see it again as soon as I can. It is amazing, guys, I swear. As much as you can read about it, you have to see it. It’s so amazing and it does lead up to expectations. If you want to talk about something with me about it, feel free to do it.
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Coming out as transgender to people who you have absolutely no idea if they're going to reject you or not is worse and way more traumatic than coming out to people who you KNOW are going to reject you.
I'm literally fucking sobbing right now. Two of my oldest friends... Two people I have known since pre-k...maybe before that...Jymboree... That. That was before pre-k, right? Well, I've known them since Jymboree.........and I don't think either of them know I am transgender. One of them only just now found me on FB and we haven't spoken since... early college years. And the other...we haven't spoken in a few years.
I'm just coming out to them both RIGHT NOW....and I'm shaking and crying. I'm literally shaking and there are tears rolling down my cheeks.... I have known these two girls probably 24 of my 25 years of existence. Maybe almost a full 25. They were two of the biggest influences in my entire life....and they are like sisters who I grew up with.
I only found out I was transgender and not just "faking it/pretending to be a boy" around the age of 20-22ish. I honest to god thought I was pretending and my ex girlfriend breaking up with me after over 5 years of an LD relationship because she thought I was pretending, too, was possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Not THAT it happened...but how it happened. And the things I have experienced from being transgender... specifically from cishet males... is horrible.
And people misgendering me and just not understanding for some reason??? I'm sorry, but even if you're on the autism spectrum, you can understand when someone says they're a boy, they're a boy. You're not misunderstanding this because you're autistic; you're misunderstanding it because you're a white, cishet dude who apparently has a crush on me.
Receiving a text that says or someone saying "I'm sorry, but it's just weird for a me, being a straifght guy, to have a crush on you as a transboy."
LET ME MAKE ONE THING CLEAR RIGHT FUCKING NOW: YOU EITHER HAVE A CRUSH ON ME OR YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT. There is ///////////NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/////// inbetween. You cannot be male and like another male and call yourself straight. Can you? Then how can you like me and call yourself straight? I'm just as male as you are. Always have been, always will be. Before and after HRT + gender correction surgeries. Just because I am transgender and haven't transitioned yet does not make me ANY LESS of a man than you in ANY way.
There is literally no way in this world or logic or ANYTHING that can state factually that you can be straight and male and have a crush on me. I don't understand how a man can call himself straight if he has a crush on another man? Can someone explain that to me? Please? I'm just DYING to know.
And for anyone who is autistic (I think I have like maybe 2 or 3 friends on the spectrum here on FB and who knows how many on tumblr where I'm gonna c/p this to), you have absolutely no excuse. If a fucking child can understand that I'm a man....so can you. Idk if autism and down syndrome are synonymous... I don't think they are, coz my cousin has down syndrome and he's not like any of the autistic people I've spoken with online... (So I'm a little confused there), BUT EVEN HE UNDERSTANDS I AM MALE OKAY! He can't even speak for himself or change himself or dress himself or do anything for himself. He holds a bagging position at a local grocery store with help. Other than that, that's about it. He is in his late 20's and he acts like a child...always pulling my hair, can't speak correctly, speaks through sounds and groans and motions, reacts emotionally like...toddler-like emotions...Stuff like that to give examples. And I thought, for the longest time (coz I was ignorant and sheltered) that that was what autism was.
Well, I'm sorry, but if my cousin WITH THAT SEVERITY OF DOWN SYNDROME (which may or may not be autism?????? I have no clue on any developmental issues coz I only have mental disorders and not developmental issues and I only study psuedo-sciences (aka psych things) relevant to myself because I'm forced to so I'm ignorant by choice here which is probably abelist but it emotionally hurts me to look at this stuff) CAN UNDERSTAND THAT I'M A BOY EVEN WHEN I'M IN A DRESS AND HIGH HEELS WITH MAKE-UP ON, UNDERCOVER IN DISGUISE FOR A FAMILY FUNCTION.... ANY OF YOU AUTISTIC PEOPLE CAN. NONE OF YOU HAVE ANY EXCUSE. NO ONE WITH A DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDER, MENTAL ILLNESS, OR ANYTHING HAS ANY EXCUSE. AND, NO, I'M SORRY, BUT YOUR BIGOTRY IS THE SAME AS PEDOPHILIA BEING INCLUDED IN THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY: IT'S NOT COUNTING AND IT NEVER WILL BE, YOU SICK FUCK.
I'm just....I'm just so scared and so angry and so hurt and so...
All the experiences I've had irl and online with both people I know and people I don't know and anything inbetween...professionals and acquaintances and anything inbetween... I'm fucking traumatized by it all and yes that's actually part of my PTSD. It's not the main part of it, but the trauma associated with accumulated experiences due to being out and proud as a transman are a part of my extremely severe PTSD. Again, not the main part...but the fact they are a chunk is scary... Coz that means it could be the ENTIRE reason for someone's PTSD if they were to have lesser experiences than me (lesser being used in quantitative terms here, not qualitative---everyone's traumas are equal...the times we experience traumas are all different, obvs, and the times we experience traumas that contribute to PTSD are different and since I have so goddamn many, thinking some trans person could have PTSD based SOLELY around their experience as a trans person is horrifying when that is one of the least of my worries in the PTSD category).
I didn't realizing coming out could be this terrifying...
When I thought I was pretending to be male and was actually female irl, I thought I was just a lesbian since I am attracted to mostly girls. (Didn't know bi and pan was a thing either lol) so I came out on my very first day at a new school sophomore year of hs by people asking me or something and me doing something really bold and rash to prove it and then shrugging and being all "And? What are you gonna do about it?" Like. Coming out as lezz was as though I were coming out as human in my mind. It absolutely did not matter to me at all.
And, frankly, I got off on it mentally coz it added a shock value when someone called me a dyke in a crowd and I would grab the nearest girl and ask her permission to kiss her and kiss her as hard as I could and then throw her aside (gently) into the crowd and strut right up to said (cishet white male obvs) person who asked and stand so close he could smell the shampoo I use and look him directly in the eye and dare him to do something about it and basically say "Are you just angry I get more pussy than you? Is that why you tried to make it public that you've got such a small dick?" Stuff like that. I get filmed a lot doing this stuff so there's prob videos of little female-presenting, bright blue haired, 5'1 3'4" kandi kid, harajuku girl Nickita version of me floating around being all confrontational and angry. Lol.
I forget why I made this post.
Oh yeah. Because I'm crying and shaking coz my friends aren't gonna respond for a while I'm sure and Idk if I'm going to lose them and at the same time I am super super SUPER sick and drained by guys not treating me as equal to them when I'm just as male as they are, with or without the parts.
I’m seriously so drained by cishet boys. By the ace thing and by the trans thing. I’m sick of cishet boys trying to coerce me into sex because they’re the “one exception” and I’m sick of cishet boys trying to say they’re straight but they have a crush on me, when I’m a boy. You CANNOT BE A STRAIGHT BOY AND HAVE A CRUSH ON A BOY!?!??!?!
These are things I deal with MULTIPLE times a day from MULTIPLE people...from people with autism and aspergers...to actual full on neurotypicals. Like. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?
NOTE: I have since learned the aspergers, autism, and down syndrome are like...all different or something like that. I don’t really want to know, which is ableist af, but I don’t want to know on purpose. I want to stay ignorant on specifics. I just want the general knowledge and the tl;dr version of it all. At least....right now....maybe when I’m not about to have a panic attack, ready to slit my wrists, overdose, shoot someone, can slow down my thoughts, can force my intrusive thoughts back into intrusive thought zone and not desire zone, and can STOP HAVING AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS WHEN I KNOW DAMN WELL MY SCHIZO MEDS ARE WORKING THEY ARE WORKING THEY ARE WORKING SO THIS ISN’T REAL AND IDK WHY THIS IS HAPPENING....maybe then I’ll like to know specifics, but I cannot an will not handle specifics right now. No thanks. Pseudo-science are ew. It’s bad enough I have to lean my OWN psuedo-sciences. (Psst. I still only learn the tl;dr textbook version of my own pseudo-science stuff (aka: psych stuff) so I can just learn the rest from self experience. it works. pro tip, y’all.)
#personal#trans#trans stuff#idk#conflicted#emotional af#i want to kill myself tbh haha............... no#i actually am considering it#i ahve all the pills....
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yelling @ santi, i’m evil again (what else is new), SOME REALLY REALLY OLD ASKS, one GoT spoiler at the very bottom (beware)
*angrily slaps santi* GET YOUR SELF TOGETHER YAH POOP HEAD
Lou and Fiona deserve happiness pls let it happen ty
they do ;-; it will happen, don’t worry, no one suffers forever <3 i’ve actually been planning out lou’s story and i’m excited to actualize it hehe
I just read all of Santis story. Dear god, it is amazing. I cannot begin to describe how much I love it. I have been really sick lately and have such a hard time concentrating on anything for more than one second but I have not been able to look away from this story, not even when I re-read it for the third time. You are an amazing writer and I have fallen in love with every charachter you have introduced. I teared up so many times and my heart began beating fast, it was really an experience.
OH MY GOD ;___________; YOU READ IT THREE TIMES WHAATDOSOIGODFSKL holy shit thank you so much, i don’t even know what to say right now lmao ;-; i’m just kinda in awe that i was able to grab your attention like that and that you enjoyed it so much and just askjdjfsd THANK YOU i can’t say anything else but just thank you, people like you make this all worth it <3
A case of the novembers is the kinda story you read and you just know its going to stick with you for awhile. Like ones day, you'll be long gone in the future, doing something totally different, older wiser, all that bullshit, and you'll just randomly remember what a bittersweet story it was.
OMFG ;___; holy heck asjdjnfkdkjs this really got me right in the heart lmao. that’s the kind of story it’s always been for me and seeing other people interpret it that way as well is just mind boggling, thank you <3
You are evil. My poor heart hurts. ;______________;
you've ruined my life
Life hack: listen to the entire Hamilton soundtrack whilst working out at the gym. By the end of it, you'll have lost half your body weight due to sweating and crying at the same time (pls help this was such a bad decision)
OMG that’s me with grimes’ art angels lmao i go hord to kill v maim and venus fly
hamilton fans also go hord i respect it. learn more about history get swole killing two birds with one stone
Okay this is so fucking random but a while ago you did a post where you talked about perfect bby gianni saying that he spent a lot of time in introspection and like Thank you 'cause now I have a word to put on this thing I do when I try to figure why I feel certain things or what my relationship with people/random shit is and why and yeah I kind of understand myself a little better now so thx a lot!!! 😘😘😘 Also, you're great.
i think i was actually talking about santi (’cause that’s where we’re at right now, in that period of introspection for him heheh) but YES omg that makes me so happy ;-; it’s a good word lmao and i do the same thing, in fact i’m always trying to figure out my relationships with everything in order to understand myself more. that’s kinda why i’m so into astrology haha. i’m glad you finally got to pin down that feeling for yourself, it’s the best when that happens <3 YOU’RE GREAT TOO 💫
NOOOOOOOO MY FAVS THIS CAN'T... LOU.... SANTI PLS... THIS IS A RIOT 😭😭
let’s start protesting santi in the streets
Hi!! Umm I'm guessing you do but just in case, did you know there was a tear accessory? I think it's an eyeliner (cause you mentioned having to draw them yourself)
yeah i do! i mentioned the ones by s-club, i’ve used those a couple times. but i like drawing them myself because i feel like it’s weird to have the same single teardrop every time one of my characters cries (and we all know they’ve been crying a lot lately lmfao) if they didn’t cry often i probably wouldn’t feel compelled to draw the tears. but i don’t mind drawing them honestly, it’s kinda fun lmao. thanks for your consideration <3
so im sitting here thinkin....... what if santi goes on this trip and coms back and lou is in a relationship!?!?!
👏santi👏get👏it👏together👏
HE’S TRYIN
i want to die
AAAH SOLE DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN CUTE DEVIL CHILD AND I ALMOST DIED TWICE TATOO MAN YES
I HAD TO READ THIS LIKE THREE TIMES TO UNDERSTAND IT LMFAOSDOJDKF BUT YES their relationship kills me the most ;__;
wait santi tried to kys :'(
WHERE U BEEN
he did :{
what font do u use in your histories?
arial!
hi u have a really pretty blog and I hope you have a good day
THIS IS SO SWEET I DON’T DESERVE IT ;-; I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY TOO HONEYBEE 🌻
nyooooooom
I WENT M.I.A FOR A LITTLE AND I COME BACK TO READ UP ON THE STORY AND HOW DARE YOU ASHDDJFKL
@teishajenaie on instagram looks like Rooney to me, idk if you'd agree but ??
i see it!! definitely in the eyes and nose. also sorry i answered this literally like 3 months later lmao
gooey by glass animals gives me santi vibes :) ive been listening to it on repeat (bc im tht bitch) and it was making me think of you and his story! c: i hope you dont mind me over here lmao anyway, im excited to see where it goes and real excited for a back story for lou!! <3 lots of love
omg haha that’s actually funny because i used it in that one scene of him tripping, although it’s like completely a gianni song to me (at least personality-wise, it’s even on his playlist on my character page) and noooo i don’t mind, i love that song and i love when people recommend me songs!! i have a whole bunch of recommendations in my inbox that i need to acknowledge omg. anyway I’M EXCITED THAT YOU’RE EXCITED, especially for lou’s story, it’s coming up reeeeeal soon <333
i feel so late to the party but i Just started reading your story like five minutes ago and im absolutely entranced by it already and i cant wait to catch up and finally understand what to heck is going on
this was sent literally forever ago when santi and molly were out there being wild in the desert lmao so i hope you caught up and everything. “entranced” omg that’s such a wonderful word i’m honored
i didnt think i could love you more but the fact that you watch arrested development makes me so happy. i cry. my boyfriend has a mr manager, bluths frozen bananas shirt thats literally my favorite thing ever.
OMGGG YES i watched it once forever ago and i need to re-watch it asap lmao. I’M PRETTY SURE I BOUGHT THAT SAME EXACT SHIRT FOR MY BROTHER FOR CHRISTMAS ONE YEAR
Just a biiig prank. Huge
this one is from so long ago i don’t remember the context but i laughed at loud when i read it. huge
i was playing with uncharted for the first time today and they said Navarro in it and i was like THATS MY BOI SANTIII
santi infiltrating everyone’s lives
my bf played uncharted tho!! it looked cool. like indiana jones. i liked the marketplace part. a monkey stole his apple
Hi sunny! I really am in love with your story (even if it's tearing me apart at the moment) and just wanted to say you're cool Stay strong ma dude
HI THANK YOU <333 you’re also cool my dude and i’m sorry for tearing you apart (if it makes you feel any better this story tears me apart on a daily basis)
what packs and expansions do u have for ur game?
ummmmmm all of them except vintage glamour and fitness stuff. i wish i didn’t buy some of the stuff packs lmao but what can ya do
i actually didn’t even get vampires or bowling or parenthood until like a month ago lmao i’m late to the party
Oh shit she's been dead hasn't she. Like this is all a drug or alcohol infused bender of mollys memory, she's probably never left. They're probably still at the hospital. I hope I fucking wrong but shit I also hope not. Poor santi
we’re so far past this but i just wanted to publish this anyway lmao it was a good theory! and this person was so sure of it it kinda made me wish it was true lol. sorry if that disappointed you but i’ll always remember this one in my sad sad heart 💔
how long did it take for you to make friends here? I started a simblr because I really like storytelling with my sims & I thought it'd be fun to meet people who enjoy that, too, especially since I don't have many friends irl...but I've been here for quite a few months now and it seems like no one even cares that I'm here....everyone I try to interact with pretty much ignores me after a message or two....I'm just feeling really discouraged about my presence here :/
I’M REALLY SORRY I DIDN’T ANSWER THIS SOONER ASKJDKJFSDKA (i’m sure it didn’t help the fact that you feel ignored, i really really hope you see this) but okay uhhhhhhh i only had acquaintances from 2015 up until like this year? then i started really becoming close with people. so it took a while lol, but i think everyone starts off slow because it’s mostly about the actual game we’re playing at first and then making friends just happens through that. don’t get discouraged, like i said it took a while for me. you really just need to reach out to the people you’d like to become friends with, reply to their posts, give your genuine thoughts, say something that’ll make their day...people notice that no matter what they have going on, i promise. i hope you’re still here and hanging in there. don’t get caught up in who’s talking to you or not talking to you, just do your thing, enjoy what you do, and people will notice you. <3
3. Hi so I just wanted to say that I love your story, I'm here for every update. I'm an s3 player I play s4 every once in awhile but s3 has my soul. I love Santi and I know he will be happy in the end, whether it's with Lou or not(hopefully it is tho) I only want him to be happy. I go through so many emotions in one post, like this is a tv drama and I can’t wait for the next episode. This is the end of my cut and paste. Have a nice day.❤️
HI HELLO <3 this is so sweet and i can’t believe you actually care about my story lmao thank you
i’m glad you have faith in his happy ending, i don’t want anyone to think i genuinely like making my characters suffer lmao. i only do it to make the happy ending more satisfying. asjdfjksd comparing my stuff to film or tv always makes me so giddy so THANK YOU ily <333
"Suicide before you see this tear fall down my eyes" (Beyonce) reminds me of Molly's situation soooo muchhhh aaaahhhhh
OMG YES what a good connection. good song good connection yaeeahhh
better call molly with the good hair
Ummmm... hello! I just read through your whole story with Santi and I'm like... holy fuck. Not only is your story wonderful, your editing is so good. I'm surprised I didn't shove my eyes up against my computer screen. Please continue making wonderful things and being great. Signing off 12:31 in the morning, I hope you have as much fun as you want to
“as much fun as you want to” omfgasdkngjd why did that make me laugh so much. don’t have too much fun, have the responsible amount of fun
anyway HELLO thank you soooooO much ;-; pls don’t shove ur eyes up against the screen i’m almost positive that’s not good for them. but i appreciate this so much thank YOU for being great <3 signing off at 2:18 in the morning after ignoring this message for months now (i’m sorryyyyyyy) but um ily
HELLO??? I JUST READ A SERIOUS CASE OF NOVEMBER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I'M LIKE CRYING???? y u do dis to me I hate you and love you at the same time
(I need to rant I'm sorry) My uncle is really positive towards the army and war and stuff like that and all day he's been going on about how it should be mandatory to serve in the military, especially for "little brat girls" like me? And it's stressing me out so much I want to cry :( The army and war is something that genuinely scares me and I don't want anything to do with it, but he's just going on and on! What should I do?
this is literally sooooooooo late and i feel so bad i’m sorry, i hope this still helps you out and i hope you see it tho okay. i’m pretty sure this was even before the trans military ban like whew idek what your uncle must think about that. tbh just ignore him, like i know it’s hurtful but like...what is his point in telling you this? i would’ve literally been like (sarcastically) “ok then sign me up” but i’m also a lil shit so that’s probably not the best thing to say. but really like the only thing he’s trying to do is feel powerful by means of expressing his militaristic (no pun intended) opinions to someone far younger than him. it’s so that he feels bigger and better than you (especially by calling you a brat). he’s a sad man and anyone who relies on the military, of all things, to shape a person probably doesn’t have a strong sense of self anyway. i love you okay, just ignore him, don’t let him stress you out <3
I'm a little high and it's late but I have a lot of courage now so I've been following you for a while and I just want to tell you how much I love your story! I have come across other places on tumblr who do this but none have captured me as this one did! You are amazing and I am in love with this story! Thanks fo being you! :)
ONMG YOU HAD TO BE HIGH TO SEND THIS LMAO that was me this weekend
anyway thank you so much, it floors me every time anyone says these kinds of things to me and it never gets old ;-; you are so amazing ok <333
you can't possibly be offended by a homophobic joke in game of thrones, it's set in medieval times. they had several lgbt characters in it, it's not the show that's homophobic, it's the characters, which is accurate for that time period.
o i can and i will
lmao i mean i get where you’re coming from but with that logic you could say it’s only accurate to put homophobic jokes in today’s media just because people are still homophobic in the time live in. i know it’s the characters, but you do understand that someone writes those characters, right? it’s bad writing. it’s lazy and pandering and because of that it’s offensive. idk if you know the exact dialogue i was referring to but it was so completely unnecessary lmfao. they could’ve made a million other jokes. regardless of how it offended me it was just BAD lmao
SPOILER BELOW OK DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YA
@ I wanna watch GoT anon: don't. It's just so fucking bad. The definition of overhyped tbh (and btw, sunny, PLS HELP HE SCREWED HIS FUCKING AUNT WTH)
LMAO SOMEONE ACTUALLY AGREES WITH ME? wow bless u. it is definitely overhyped, like it was good at first but it’s been riding that hype through these past couple of seasons to disguise the bad writing. i understand being entertained by it, but i’m always surprised when people think it’s actually well written at this point...it’s so cringey and now thanks to the season finale this fanbase will be justifying incest. great!
OK MOVE ALONG NOW
#AND I'LL BE ANSWERING THE CHARACTER ASKS TOMORROW (well today but whatev)#anonymous#nonsims#saviorhide#sunny answers
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A lot of questions... my my, someone's curious lol
@black-satin-dancer tagged me, cheers dude :D
Rules: answer all the questions, add one of your own and tag as many people as there are questions …pshh please, let’s keep it realistic - I don’t even know that many people irl.
(also didn’t feel obligated to answer the Dragon age/Mars effect questions, because I’ve never played it)
1. coke or pepsi?
Neither. I absolutely hate fizzy sweet drinks lol. The only thing I enjoy is kombucha and I’ve had ginger ale which I can tolerate. (btw did you know there’s something called bacon soda? I just found out and I’m absolutely horrified and disgusted. pls burn this knowledge out of my brain thank)
2. disney or dreamworks?
I don’t have a preference, nor am I overly invested in any of the two, so it depends. By Disney I really like Hocus Pocus, The Nightmare before Christmas and Frankenweenie, to pick a few. As for DreamWorks, Penguins of Madagascar are THE SHIT omg
3. coffee or tea?
I’m a tea person, however I enjoy coffee flavour in things
4. books or movies?
Both
5. windows or mac?
I use windows, don’t feel like I’m missing out or anything tbh
6. dc or marvel?
I’m only starting to get into comics, and I’ve probably seen more marvel films than dc ones, but I think I like dc a little more I like the older Batman films by Tim Burton.
7. xbox or playstation?
playstation. “OF COURSE we’re going to go with the ps4 - they’re blacker!” :D
8. dragon age or mass effect?
Haven’t played either, but was thinking about giving Dragon age a go
9. night owl or early riser?
aw shit dude, I don’t even know anymore. my sleeping schedule is so fucked up lately, I tend to be a night owl tho. But hey, time isn’t really anyway, so..
10. cards or chess?
both, but you can do more with cards. like chess is just one game, but there are lots of different card games. I personally identify with CAH, I think the company should hire me, because I’m a horrible person lmao
11. chocolate or vanilla?
chocolate all the way. I don’t eat it often, but when I do, I’m a snob about it - I only like the dark stuff (only vegan ofc). bonus points, if there’s dried fruit like berries in it. To sum it up (i’m taking this way too seriously and detailed lol, but I have insomnia ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) overall, chocolate flavour is better I guess, vanilla makes me vomit, it’s disgusting and I hate it.
12.vans or converse?
I used to own a pair of converse, but neither are shoes I’d wear now
13. fluff or angst?
a good combination of both ehehe
14. beach or forest?
forests are awesome - they are green and smell amazing, you can spot a lot of wild animals and the atmosphere is very serene and calming. I’ll always pick forests over beaches, unless the beach is all sand or small round marble stones, the water is clear without the detached, rotting algae stuff that floats around and ew, the sun has fucked off so I don’t get sunburnt (my skin always skips the tan stage right to red and I prefer pale skin anyway) and all sweaty and shit, there are NO people beside those I’m there with and I do NOT spot any animal while in the water that’s bigger than like 5cm. Because even though I love and respect it deeply, I’m genuinely afraid of sea life, I don’t care that there are lots of totally harmless creatures. …lmao, I feel like a rich asshole saying all that - way too many demands. (sorry sea/ocean, I love you, but you freak me the fuck out)
15. dogs or cats?
I have dogs, but I love both. With dogs, the love is more likely to be returned though :D
16. clear skies or rain?
clear night skies for star gazing, rain during the day
17. cooking or eating out?
I eat mostly raw vegan nowadays, because it’s healthy I don’t have the energy to cook and can’t be arsed and I’m not too fond of eating in public so… preparing/eating food at home?
18. spicy food or mild food?
all the spices lol
19. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas?
How is this a question, have you met me? My whole existence basically revolves around celebrating Halloween like every day
20. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot?
The first one is way better imho, I’m usually a little too cold anyway (no pun intended omg) and I’m fine with that.
21. if you could have a superpower, what would it be?
Hydrokinesis (so basically I’d be a water bender ehehe) or Telepathy
22. animation or live action?
both are great (with the exception of some anime adaptations lol)
23. baths or showers?
showers don’t take too long, but baths are very nice from time to time
24. team cap or team ironman?
Team Loki, duh! No, but honestly, I’m not really invested in the whole civil war thing, but if cap is a nazi, then I’m team ironman
25. fantasy or sci-fi?
both are amazing and bring happiness into my life
26. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so, what are they?
I guess I have a lot of favourite ones, but these two came to my mind right now: “I do desire we may be strangers” (Shakespeare) it’s such a classy and eloquent way to tell someone you hate them :D “And so being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy” (E.A. Poe) because ME tbh
27. youtube or netflix?
Youtube, no netflix here
28. harry potter or percy jackson?
Harry Potter all the way. I’ve read the first Percy jackson pentalogy and don’t get me wrong, Greek mythology is awesome, but wizards over demigods
29. when do you feel accomplished?
Idk, when I’m able to do more than the bare minimum and when I totally Tony Stark the whole subject/study material the night before the exam. and probably smug/petty rather than accomplished - when I prove horrible people/people I don’t like wrong or do things they don’t approve of lol
30. star wars or star trek?
I have to say Star Trek but I love both
31. paperback or hardback books?
Hardback. HARDBACK!
32. horror or rom-com?
I’ve always gravitated towards horror - psychological, gothic, really bad b/c movie style, etc. - I get bored by rom-coms
33. tv shows or movies?
depends, but both. as an aspiring actor, beside theatre, I think I’d like to work on films over tv shows - if I ever get the chance to do so that is
34. favourite animal?
penguins, rats, corvids.. but like, birds in general and all animals are awesome anyway and precious and worth of life
35. favourite genre of music? alternative rock - which is a broad spectrum tho, so I guess rock sub-genres in general.. art rock, goth rock, punk rock my favourite (purely because of the name) is krautrock (aka kosmische Musik) which is the German term for space rock, but the literal translation is either herb or cabbage rock lmao :D throw in some psychedelic stuff, ambient music, experimental and classical and I’m good to go
36. least favourite book?
Madame Bovary. I think The Great Gatsby was boring too. I don’t usually read books without researching it a bit before so I can somewhat predict whether I’ll like it or not. (btw, if you’re into fantasy at all, 10/10 recommend reading the series A Raven’s Shadow by Anthony Ryan, he’s such an eloquent writer and the plot and characters are incredible!
37. favourite season?
The season of Halloween - autumn all the way
38. song that’s currently stuck in your head?
Cinnamon Bone by Eliza Rickman. She has a really nice voice and combined with the melody it sounds very unique. Actually didn’t know who the singer was until a few days ago. She also performed in the weather section in a Welcome to Night Vale episode. Oh and I rewatched CATS the musical on Sunday, so like.. the whole libretto is playing in my head on loop :D I’ve pretty much known the entire thing by heart since I was like 8 lol
39. what kind of pyjamas do you wear?
Either boxer shorts or Levi Ackerman’s running titan pyjamas lmao
40. how many existential crises do you have on an average day?
I’m having an ongoing one since the age of 16 tbh
41. if you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be?
Space Oddity by David Bowie
42. favourite theme song to a TV show?
I’ve know this song before I started watching the show, but Far from Any Road from True Detective is amazing. And the opening to snk season 2 lol, it gets me all fired up and ready to salivate every time Levi appears cry probably idk :D
43. harry potter movies or books?
even though, they are problematic in some aspects, both have their charm (pun absolutely intended this time)
44. you can make your OTP become canon but you’ll forget that tumblr exists. will you do it?
Bitch, my otp is canon. and I doubt anyone can really forget about tumblr - you can try and leave, but it will never leave you
45. do you play an instrument and if so, what is it?
Not like professionally or since early childhood and all that, but I taught myself how to play the violin and I think I’m pretty decent. Same goes for drums. My dad and I low-key collect musical instruments, I think we have around 20+ pieces ^^
46. what is the worst way to die?
alone and helpless and in excruciating pain from whatever the cause was that didn’t kill you immediately though, so you have to suffer
47. if you could be entirely invisible for a day, what would you do?
Be sneaky ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) lol idk, I’d do stuff anxiety and self-consciousness prevent me from in normal life. Okay, that is so pathetic, but my first thought was “I’d go swimming” … *wipes away a tear*
48. If you could have personally witnessed anything in history what would it be?
I feel like it’s kinda selfish and considering I’d choose this out of any moment in history maybe a wasted opportunity? but I would have loved to see David Bowie perform. Idk, I’m sure there’s more, but it’s 3am here..
49. If you could understand animals but you could never understand humans again, would you?
I find I often don’t understand humans anyway..
50. What is your most favourite album currently?
The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars by David Bowie is my go to favourite album, haven’t really listened to whole albums lately, just a few songs here and there
51. (my question) What is your favourite word/phrase/colloquiallism? Name one (or more) per language you speak c:
tbh, Jeremy tagged most of the people I’d tag too, so I’m just adding @the-river-dream-shore and @slecnaztemnot to this if they or anyone else feel like it ;)
I’m going to sleep now hopefully~
Note: Wow, that’s a lot of reading material lol. Why did I sound so angry?? I was tired, so that took a toll on my answers, I promise I’m not that much of an asshole :D
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So. Hello there. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personal on this blog and I usually do that when I need to get my mind off pressing issues by ranting about them so. I guess that’s what I’m about to do right now? Except that the issue isn’t really... pressing, per se. It’s just a culmination of everything that’s happened ‘til now I guess.
I think I’m depressed. I know that I’ve been saying this to myself over and over again. And I definitely feel like I’ve been depressed for a really long time so I really don’t know why stating it now even makes a lick of difference.
I don’t know. The only other people I’ve ever told about this, I mean outrightly, were my parents and some internet friends. And maybe I’ve told a few irl friends? But idk, I guess I just never made it a big deal to them even though I guess it is. There are just a few things that happened lately that made me think about all of this. Again.
So. Lots of things happened this year. I umm finally graduated uni, hurray? And then. Without even getting a tiny bit of space for some much needed R&R after a very stressful semester, we drove right back in for our review sessions for our licensure exams. Long story short, I am now a licensed electronics engineer in my country, hurray?
That sentence you know? “I am now a fully licensed engineer!” It should really spark some kind of pride within me you know? And it does. Kind of. I did put in SOME time into it so I definitely feel like I deserve some credit but.
I never admitted this to ANYONE outside of my family but. Every single day after listening to the review lectures, trying to absorb all that content, yadda yadda. Every single day after the review. Do you know what I did? I just played games.
I know it sounds anticlimactic like, aw dude is that it? It’s ok to take a break sometimes man. But you don’t understand. While my friends and my other peers were tearing their hair out studying really hard, memorising formulas, making reviewers and reading every single possible source material available, what in the hell’s name was I doing? I was playing. An online mobile game. For days on end.
Like? I know. I knew. I knew that what I was doing was stupid. That what I was doing was self-destructive. That in the end all this was going to achieve was setting myself down a slippery slope and causing grief to my parents who put in the time and money to send me to that review center. I mean, I still went to all my lectures! Most of them. And you know the funny part is that I DO want to learn. I think it’s great to learn all kinds of things but its just that. Reviewing? Studying? I have NEVER been great at that stuff. Never. Not even in uni. I like learning. I really do. But something as rigid as sitting for HOURS AND HOURS on END reading and memorising nothing but words and numbers that really don’t mean anything to me is just so. Anal. And un-engaging. And I can’t focus.
I WENT to the lectures and I LISTENED. Really listened. Tried to absorb all that shit. But this wasn’t like uni where I just had to focus for a few hours a week then once the quizzes and exams were done, I could just flush all that info down the toilet. No, this was a 6 month affair. And I wanted to do it right! I really did. I even bought all kinds of crap to help me organize and I wrote a bunch of formulas on some sticky notes and stuck them on my walls and door. They’re still right here in my room as I write. I still haven’t torn them down! Or deleted the pictures of slides I took that I never even once looked at cause I’m a dumb piece of garbage. Why do I even bother.
Anyway. Somewhere down the road I got tired. I got tired of putting in any effort into something I couldn’t care less about. Or maybe I was just never capable of such things idk. Even the moment where I told my dad that I was finally an engineer, jumping up and down. It was so. Empty. There was feeling of relief and jesus DISbelief. But like. In the end its like. Okay, so what? I mean. I did not take this shit seriously like. At all. I mean, I binged Stranger Things S3 in the middle of the review while my “friends” were saying things to my other friends shit like, wow cant believe you have time to do basic human things instead of studying? Like yikes but also jeez! I was supposed to be that frazzled but I just wasn’t cause I am flaming garbage fire who would much rather focus on other fictional characters’ lives instead of trying to face her own.
Most of them were pretty much miserable while I was much less stressed but only in a reviewing-related sense. The stress I felt all those months was due to the insurmountable guilt I felt by not studying. My friends kept doing these Q&A’s and they must have noticed how I never quip in to answer cause I knew absolute jackshit. And. God I felt like literal walking poison then. Even the simple act of trying to maintain some semblance of camaraderie with these strangers (it’s simple since I’ve been doing it since Day 1) which btw was already jarring in and of itself, was taking so much out of me. Hanging out with these people felt like punishment. A reminder of how much I’m not doing enough. And in the end I was just as miserable as they were. I pretended of course. I pretended like it was fine. Like by the end of it, my life’s not gonna come crashing down on me cause I knew I was gonna fail.
There was this brief stint wherein I didn’t come to classes for a few days and I never told them why when they asked. I just said it wasn’t a big deal and I was gonna to start going again anyway. And how do you even begin to explain this sea of shit? And why would I? I don’t know these people. And they don’t know me. And I am not comfortable enough to share my vulnerabilities with them. How can I? I have nothing in common with them and they didn’t strike me as the type to have long emotional conversations anyway. (Except for you J**z, u da realest bidge out der)
And then there were my parents. My parents who saw how I acted at home. My parents who were the only reason I even tried to push this hard. They knew that all I did all day long was play games on my phone. Did they even do anything about it? Maybe an empty reprimand here and there and a disapproving look sprinkled in between but they don’t actually have any type of consequence attached to them. And you know, yeah I get it. I’m 24. I’m old enough to know what’s wrong and what’s right and what it is I’m actually supposed to be doing. I know they expected me to be responsible for myself but really?
They never even asked me how I was doing. Nothing but reprimands and that’s only if they ever pass me in the hallway or have some kind of forced encounter with me. They never try to seek me out or express outright concern about my well-being. They never ask me, hey what’s really going on? Are you alright? Is there anything you want to talk about? Anything I can do to help? And it’s not like I made it so BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that I was not doing fine in terms of the reviewing or anything right?
It was always just, why aren’t you studying more? Shouldn’t you be studying? Why are you always playing games? It’s like they expect me to be this person and if they knew me AT ALL, they would know that I’m not that person. I never was. And all it did was plough me with even more guilt, made me feel even shittier.
But then they also just, treat me normally? Like nothing’s wrong and everything is right with the world. Like my life wasn’t five seconds away from bursting into flames right in front of their eyes. Like they couldn’t care less if I pass or fail. Because it’s my life not theirs.
Do you even realise? Do you even realise that the only reason I went down this road was just so I could satisfy you? To make amends for all that money you wasted on me in my first uni? Do you realise that the only thing that pushed me forward for all those years and these last 6 months were guilt? Do you know what that feels like? Waking up each day feeling obligated to live life for someone else’s sake. Someone who barely acknowledges all the effort you’ve put in? Do you even know who I am? What I like, what I do in my spare time, what my beliefs are? Do you know anything about your daughter at all?
Do you even know how miserable your daughter is right now, writing this shitty rant at 6 in the morning cause she can’t sleep? Do you know how terrified she is right now because of so many uncertain things in her life? Do you know how much she’s wanted to kill herself over the past few years? Because of you? And yet you can’t even give her the barest amount of sympathy. All you care about are society’s expectation’s of you. Do you even ever care about me at all? As a person? But hey, at least now you get to boast about your engineer daughter. I’m happy for you.
The saddest part is that I know I’ll never ever get to have that kind of conversation with them. Ever. Because God knows I’ve tried and I know.
I know that my mom will find a way twist things in a way to make it seem like she’s the victim in all this. Like she’s the only one suffering. And how much her name will be besmirched if word gets out that her daughter has a mental illness and is suffering from suicidal ideations! Oh how scandalous! Who could have raised such a terrible child! Like I basically confessed to her that I WANT TO DIE EVERY SINGLE DAY and she was like THINK ABOUT ME AND WHAT THEY WOULD SAY ABOUT ME!! LIKE??? WHO IN THE FUCK EVEN ARE “THEY”!!! This is your daughter, basically pleading, crying for help and you. You just, don’t care. At all. You only care about yourself. That’s what it felt like. You might as well have said, suck it up chump cause that’s basically what I got from that conversation. You don’t care about me getting better.
And then there’s my emotionally constipated father who will either tell me that the reason I have these dark thoughts is because there are demons inside my head or be completely silent, pretending to give a shit before his fingers slowly inch towards the remote. Because screw me and my issues, right? He’s had a hard day at work, he deserves to relax.
I honestly can’t tell who is worse.
So yeah. In this house, we pretend like we don’t have issues. Learned that the goddamn fucking hard way. Suck it up chumps. And they wonder why I don’t want to have children? Maybe because I don’t want to end up like you two.
To be fair, we do have our fun and I do love them despite their shortcomings. I guess this is just me wanting what I can’t have. I can’t expect them to be better. How do you even go about that? I don’t think they even realise that they need to be better. I think they think that they’re doing an okay job which, you know, false, so... I should just learn to deal. It’s depressing but even the people who brought you into this world can really just disappoint you like that.
Anyway. So yeah I can’t talk to anyone. I feel alone even when I finally have people around me. I’m finally free from all these big obligations. I finally have these successes to cover up the massive failures of the past. But it just feels empty and I still feel just as shitty as before.
What now? I got lucky with my thesis and on one of my subjects and managed to graduate on time (relatively speaking). Then I got lucky again with my licensure exam and managed to eke out passing grade. Is that it though? Gonna rely on luck my whole life? Procrastinating ‘til the day I die? Fake it ‘til you make it or die trying? Killing myself from the anxiety of whether I crash and burn or fly and flourish? How am I even supposed to find a job with an academic record as dismal as mine? Do I even want to work as an engineer? Can I afford therapy when I work? From what I hear, millennials are highly underpaid and can barely make ends meet. I’m 24. I’m not as young as the newly graduates but I don’t even do my own laundry nor do I know how to. How is there any way out of this? How can I get better? Am I capable? Or was I always destined to die by the side of the road like a roadkill? I keep wanting things for myself yet look at me. I’ve been in my bed for nearly a week now. My hair is greasy and I feel gross. And I’ve missed several appointments. And even though I’ve had plenty of opportunity, I haven’t showered for a good 5 days cause my limbs feels heavy which makes no sense since I move around a lot anyway. And I always wanna eat shit and binge content all day long and get depressed when I run out of content so I resort to posting a rant at tumblr.com.
tl;dr: i suffer from impostor syndrome, i have mommy and daddy issues, i feel so utterly alone and i’m still depressed and everything is still shitty despite my “achievements”.
So really. Nothing new.
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