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doctorbunny · 3 years

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MILGRAM theory time: Haruka!

This isn't going to go super in depth (famous last words) but there's a few heavily debated parts of Haruka's MV I want to share my findings/thoughts on because I think this is my new special interest and during my quest to get best boy's song to 1 million views I have been looking over his first MV with a fine tooth comb so to speak.

Disclaimer: As the Jackalope said in the "This is the MILGRAM" trailer, we don't necessarily know everyone's crime from just the first video, its possible that a lot of things will be re-contextualized in the second MV, however I am not psychic or bilingual and thus will only be working with content released before August 20th 2021 and translated into English (which could cause some language/cultural details to be lost on me as translation is not a 1 to 1 process).

TW for discussions of ableism, child abuse, murder and animal death. Also this is really long so sorry to all the people that follow me for non-MILGRAM stuff

Firstly, I want to start on the topic of Haruka as a person. He is disabled. He does not have 'the mind of a child' (although he is 17, making him legally a minor in both North America and Japan). He is not just 'child-like'. And he is not mentally ill (well he might be, in the sense that many disabilities like Haruka's have strong comorbidities [where a person has two or more conditions but neither directly causes the other] with anxiety, depression and PTSD, but usually when I see people talk about him 'struggling with mental illness' they go on to refer to aspects of his disability). Sometimes on tumblr, people like myself, will see canonical traits written into a character and identify them as being traits associated with our disabilities/mental illness and headcanon them as such. Sometimes this even involves saying things like "It's basically canon!" Although we understand that these characters were probably not the result of a writer intending to write a disabled person. When I say that Haruka is being written as a person with a neurodevelopmental disability, I mean the writer intended to write a disabled character and wrote them in a way that they wanted the audience to pick up on. As an autistic person (which is one of many neurodevelopmental disorders and also something I probably didn't have to specify because who else would be writing an essay about a series they got into a few days ago at 11 o'clock at night) I really like how Haruka has been written so far. There's definitely some parts of him that have been exaggerated so abled normies can pick up on his disability (namely how his MV 's main motif is really child-like drawings) but the writers also included a lot of smaller details I appreciate like how it is noted he avoids eye contact when talking to other people and is depicted as nervously pulling at his sleeves in official artwork, or how he says he finds his prison uniform (which has tight straps) 'relaxing' and when he gets nervous/tense, he will dig his fingernails into the palm of his hands. (These last two potential being examples of 'self stimulation' [aka stimming] where a person seeks out specific sensory stimuli in order to help regulate their nervous system/emotions, in this case the tight uniform creates a comforting, secure feeling [you may have heard about some people preferring to sleep under weighted blankets for this reason] and digging nails into his palms sounds uncomfortable/painful but is done in an attempt to deal with a greater sensory discomfort caused by the situation/environment) I also appreciate the depth he is written with, he struggles to communicate verbally but in his MV and interactions with other inmates is shown to have insecurities, opinions and a consistent thought process (this is all basic character stuff but unfortunately not always present in disabled characters)

Also I want to add that (in terms of what we've been shown so far) Haruka did not kill anyone because of his disability/mental illness. Disabled people are not inherently more innocent than abled people. But there is no disability/mental illness where a symptom is that you kill people and real people have to live with the stigma when you speak carelessly and suggest things like "Haruka is the kind of mentally ill person who kills people as a cry for help" 🧂 (or at the very least real people have to read BS like that and cringe). TL;DR Haruka is less child-like and more onion-like (as in, he has layers) 🧅🧅🧅

Now is the actual theory stuff, oops:

Every prisoner in MILGRAM is supposed to have committed murder in some way, obviously considering Yuno just had an abortion (which i personally do not consider an act of murder) whilst Mu literally stabbed someone to death, this definition is stretched a bit. But it is not agreed upon yet who Haruka killed/how many people he killed or why he killed.

In his MV he is shown to have chased after his dog into a forest, seen something off-screen, then beaten something into a messy pulp with a rock. Some people think the dog is a red herring and that Haruka actually killed his mother/the girl from the fireworks show/his brother. I do not agree.

First: I believe Haruka when he says he doesn't have a brother. The MV literally starts by Haruka looking in the mirror and then switching between the him now

and a really similar looking younger child who just so happened to be a key feature of his memories (I don't have the vocabulary to explain it but its like cinematic parallels that establish this is the same person at different points of their life)

Its not impossible that this is Haruka's secret younger brother, but i think its unlikely. I saw someone saying they had to be different people because Haruka looks less happy than the child but like, most 17 year olds are less visibly happy than when they were 7 (or however old the child is meant to be). Life happens.

So when Haruka is shown pushing the child around and eventually strangling him, this isn't meant to be literal (homicide or suicide), but a representation of how conflicted Haruka feels about his younger self, who may have committed the murder (if you've ever been kept awake cringing at memories of something you said in the past and wishing you could go slap some sense into your former self, this is like that but 10 times more self loathing). The lyric "I am always repeating yesterday," implies he might think about this specific past event a lot.

Moving on, its pretty well accepted that Haruka's parents were abusive in some way and Haruka internalised a lot of it: he constantly apologises, he says in his interrogation questions that his one wish come true is that "[he] want[s] to be loved" and describes in his MV how when he couldn't find the words he was looking for ("you're unfair") one of his parents "would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”". He seems to know its unfair but also still says he 'loves' his family, possibly mistakenly believing it is his fault, but also showing an awareness of his situation (and how his parents might behave).

Now, the MV is stylised in a way that makes certain details unclear, but there is one clear detail showing that Haruka's dog was killed

This is the first close up of Haruka and the dog. Haruka's mother is just out of frame supervising, but they look pretty happy. Notice how the puppy has a silvery chain for a collar. Somehow, this dog gets out of the house but only Haruka is shown chasing after it (whether his mother was searching elsewhere or didn't bother following her disabled son into the forest is unclear). Either way, young Haruka is now in the forest, unsupervised.

By the time he finds the dog, there is already blood, suggesting it was initally attacked by something else.

is this a sigh of relief from a boy whose finally found his beloved pet or a jealous weakling glad that nature took its course and he is finally free of that meddling mutt stealing all his mummy's attention? /j

I think this shock at the discovery that 'there is blood on his hands' could imply that rather than literally getting the blood from his dog, Haruka has seen his already injured dog and realises that if the dog got out because of him (he is previously shown to be aware his parents seem to blame him for everything) then he is the reason his dog is injured/dying and will be blamed for it. (this scene plays over the lyrics "It’s fine, though it’s really not It’s really fine, though I don’t really think so When I tried to understand it, You’ll make that disappointed face again" suggesting he is trying to avoid making his parents disappointed and letting the family pet escape into danger is something that could make them very disappointed)

now we get into rock murder (this is present-day Haruka implying that this is either: not how the scene really played out; the writers really wanting the audience to know that this was Haruka's doing and not someone else's; or this turns into a separate incident that happened much later [although note that the red sky and blue moon is the same as when young Haruka first appears at the start])

b the corpse is beyond mangled now, but its clearly the dog because the silver chain collar is still there, to the right of the body. (circled in red for your convenience :3)

My hypothesis is: Haruka didn't set out to kill his dog, but upon finding it injured (we don't know the severity aside from bleeding and also it not being able to run away from Haruka kneeling down above it w/ a big rock so it could range from treatable with a lot of vet help to already on death's door, TBH I don't think Haruka would know the difference) He knew he'd be blamed for this; made into a villain who let the poor puppy come to harm. He panicked and killed the dog out of some idea that it would make him the victim here (since he'd be found crying over a dog corpse, which might make a parent go comfort him rather than getting angry about what could've happened to the dog). This is over the lyrics: "I cried, I screamed I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling I was in denial, I was in denial I just had to make sure I’ve become a victim, I’ve become a victim" (there's another theory that he was also jealous of the dog, which could work here too, since this is not some calculated plot; rather its a rash decision) This ties in with his Japanese song title (translated as Weakness) which is a play on a phrase sort of like "The strong eat, the weak do not" to become "The weak are eaten by society" or "The weak eat each other to survive" [once again I am reminding everyone this is based on second hand information from the youtube comments section (from users mitchki and Alphaistic) because I do not speak Japanese] This second meaning (The weak eat each other to survive) makes sense under the reading that Haruka killed his dog in order to 'survive' making his parents disappointed for the dog escaping.

Miscellaneous points:

We don't know where Haruka's necklace came from yet, it must be a gift since the most expensive thing he's ever bought was cotton candy. The younger child in the video isn't wearing it and neither is his mother or the girl in the purple dress.

Haruka's home seems quite big, at the start we can see a large flower garden outside the window and there's a forest in walking distance. This might suggest his family is quite wealthy

Haruka probably did go to school at some point as homeschooling is not a legally accepted as an alternative to public schools in Japan. (However it is estimated that up to 5000 families homeschool, this is uncommon) A lot (about 62%) of Japanese schools apparently have a 'special needs' classes and there are about 505 schools focused on educating intellectually disabled students (although I do not know which sort Haruka would've needed as whilst intellectual and development disabilities can be comorbid they aren't the same). Now, if children aged 7-14 don't go to school, their parents receive a fine, but its possible that if Haruka's parents are wealthy, they just paid it to avoid sending him to school. (This might imply they wanted to hide him or were generally ashamed of him in some way) However high school education (for students over 14) is not legally required and its likely that even if Haruka went to elementary/middle school, he hasn't been around people his own age in at least 3 years. As he seems quite lonely and glad that the other prisoners give him attention.

I don't think Haruka's parents are divorced and if they are, its not his father who left. Haruka mentions in the 30 questions that he thinks he disappointed his father. But still includes him as part of his family ("My father and mother and me"). A theory I've seen is that his father was disappointed by his son being disabled and left. but developmental disabilities (especially in non verbal and semi verbal children like Haruka) can be diagnosed before the age of 3, so I feel it is unlikely that Haruka would bring up his father if he left that early in Haruka's life

All MILGRAM prisoners have covered one of DECO*27's older vocaloid songs (DECO*27 is a well known producer who composes the music for MILGRAM) Haruka covered 'Two Breaths Walking' (https://youtu.be/puXLfVWrz2Q) which is about a boy's first relationship and how his mother's jealousy set him up for failure as the relationship becomes toxic (specifically it has some very funny out of context lines like "Whose breasts are you sucking on now?") so yeah, mommy issues: the song (Also: some people say in the song, the boy kills the girl at the end, but this isn't literal, TBW is the first of a trilogy of songs about the same relationship, it is followed by Android girl then Two Breaths Walking: Reloaded and the story resolves with the couple reuniting as adults and getting in the relationship again, although its not necessarily as abusive as before, its still implied to be codependant ending on the line 'We should live like oxygen tanks, sucking breathe from the words each of us exhale, until our last breathe')

In all seriousness, the scene where younger Haruka is walking through the city with his mother but it keeps repeating until older Haruka pulls the younger one away might indicate an attempt to focus the happier memories of his parents (since this is also over the lyrics "Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change If I tried and couldn’t say it, You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”" which depict a worse scene) I think both his parents are still physically present but have become far more emotionally distant, not giving him as much attention, which exacerbates his loneliness from not having any friends his own age to talk to

And if one of his parents did leave? I think its likely his mother since she is shown disappearing out of his reach after the dog-incident (inferring she got angry/disappointed in Haruka anyway) This could also be where he got his necklace from: Its something his mother used to wear (although this is 100% a guess) and that's why its shown to be important to him

This one is just me, but i didn't realise until a rewatch that when Haruka is watching the younger him and the girl running together, the background has fireworks. Haruka mentions fireworks being a key memory to him so I wonder if this was one of the first/last times he got to make a friend...

On three separate occasions in the interrogation, Haruka mentions not liking animals. Despite this, he is depicted as sleeping with a rabbit plush and on his birthday art (I'd include that too but tumblr only allows 10 pictures per post, so here's a link) he is standing next to a giant blueberry and strawberry cake with two bunny themed biscuits at the side. Through my experiences of seeing Japanese fandom art on pixiv, sometimes rabbits are used to insinuate a character is cute and timid in fanart.

Meaningless details: Haruka sleeps with his necklace on; he sleeps on a bed and not a futon; at first I thought he woke up holding his plush's hand but his hand is merely next to the toy; and considering the state of the pillow and blanket, I wonder if he moves a lot in his sleep or if the is just because in this case he seems to be waking up from a nightmare about the dog incident...

Final note: I've spent so many hours writing this I don't remember if i was building up to any big finale or not but I hope you enjoyed reading this! Feel free to add on in the comments/reblogs.

#haruka sakurai #milgram #milgram theory #001 #text post #essay #long post

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hms-no-fun · 2 years

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our question boils down to, “has there been an intentional plural archetyping going on in June’s system?”, but with this addendum for context. we’ve been doing a lot of reading about “Gatekeeper” archetypes, and X seems to have a lot of those characteristics. so we’re curious how much of that had more to do with the incidental outcome of writing a character like them / if at any point it wasn’t intentioned, but then became intentioned / other. really curious about the evolution of the process 💜

the short answer is no. the long answer is also no, but i’m gonna say more anyway.

i haven’t talked much about my own relationship with plurality. there’s a variety of reasons, but one of the big ones is that i’ve been afraid to expose the various pieces of myself to the world lest folks decide that i’m doing it wrong or that i fall into some kind of toxic dynamic or, worse, that by virtue of talking about my own plurality in public, that makes me some kind of expert or “community leader” in the eyes of folks outside hs/plural circles. maybe this seems like a self-absorbed sentiment, but it already happened to me once with being a trans woman! i don’t like it when folks project their morals onto what they think they know about me, because i simply cannot live up to them. i’m too bitchy, too angry, too full of opinionated snark, and the story i want to tell with godfeels 3.2 is one that will skirt dangerously close to a lot of potentially problematic subjects. no matter how careful i am, it’s only a matter of time before i say or do something that pisses the wrong people off. again, it’s happened before. and i just don’t want any aspect of my plurality to be part of whatever that conversation/dogpile ends up being (because let’s be real, folks are NOT normal about plurality in most spaces and are really eager to use it as proof of one’s antisocial derangement).

with that out of the way, i’m gonna talk a little bit about my own plurality here, because it’s relevant.

i said in my post announcing june’s canonical plurality that my hesitation in embracing it was partially because of my hesitation embracing my own plurality. i knew people in high school who were plural (though that term didn’t really exist yet afaik), and i mostly found them obnoxious and cringe. i never said anything mean to them or mocked them out loud, and in fact one of my best friends at the time had a woman in his head for a while... wow, damn, i forgot about this actually, me and her talked a lot back then, i was there with her when she decided to stop existing and i guess reunified with my friend? and i said for years after, “i think most people are lying about DID/multiple personalities but i know at least one person it was real for.” you know, i bet i believed him and disbelieved everyone else because “everyone else” were women lmao. god i was such an asshole

anyway uh, my judgmental nature throughout my teens and twenties came out of being a closeted autistic trans woman who worked VERY hard to understand what “normal” is for the in-group i was told to be part of (ie gamer bros and jocks). this shit got really fucking deep into my head, and i spent maybe four or five years just actively trying to not be like that anymore. and i’m still finding leftover bad habits and bad takes every day lmao. this is why it took me until 27 to realize i was trans, and until 31 to realize i was plural. turns out the people you most harshly judge, especially in your twenties, quite often are the people who remind you most of yourself! in my experience, anyway.

so, okay. when i decided to take June’s plurality seriously is around the time i decided to take my own plurality seriously, and so June’s system and my system are uniquely intertwined. i deliberately avoided learning the terminology before writing the Dirk and Risk/Dare chapters because i didn’t want the defined archetypal tendencies to override any given character’s personality. if i’d known what a “persecutor” was, for instance, i can see myself having made a lot of different choices about both Angel Dirk and X.

one of my headmates is, i guess, technically an ex-persecutor by definition? but that’s never how i saw her, really, and i think if i’d started from a place of learning other people’s models of plurality i might not have been so open to the mea culpa we had which finally forced me to accept her and my other headmates as real. they’d been piping up more and more as gf3.1 went on, and it scared me. if i’d known more, known that there existed a defined archetypal dynamic for our relationship (including a multitude of different but equally bad suggestions re: what to do about it) i might have let that fear lead me to treating them even worse than i already did. but maybe not! these things are impossible to know. my experience with first questioning my gender, however, was that the prevailing models of transness simply did not fit with my experience- so i anticipated that the same would likely hold true of my plurality in that i needed to engage with it on my own terms and find out what it meant for me, rather than understanding it as a scientific or sociological phenomenon. setting aside what i thought was “real” and what i could or couldn’t “prove” in favor of just feeling it out.

so here’s the thing. my experience of plurality is fluid, blended, and often ambiguous. it’s rare for anyone but “me”, sarah, to front, and when they do i’m still never quite gone. during the hell of the last four months, when we were applying to apartments left and right, i had such a nervous breakdown that my ex-persecutor did in fact take over for a couple days. but it’s not like i don’t remember doing what she did. so naturally there’s a part of me that’s always like, is this actually real? or is this just an idea i’m using to help me survive?? ultimately i’ve decided that the answer doesn’t really matter. whatever it is, it works for me. and it turns out my headmates give good advice sometimes! who knew

what i wanted with June’s system was to imagine plurality as fueled by the infinite creative power over reality inherent to her retcon powers. it is, in a lot of ways, a vision of my “ideal” plurality, one in which every member has complete independence yet is inextricably connected, where anyone can front and anyone can recede into obscurity as they desire, and where “headspace” as such is a field of endless creative and metaphorical possibility. from there, i wanted to give all four of them the chance to define their own personalities independent of whatever role they might play in the system archetypally-speaking. and i think the result of this is a group of characters who clearly constitute pieces of a whole, but in such a way that shows the “whole” is not lesser for being quadfurcated. it is, in fact, far stronger for its diversity of selves!

to bring all of this together, the whole point of going about June’s plurality (and mine) in this way was to avoid inadvertently medicalizing her system. i’m not particularly interested in plurality as a “condition” in the clinical psychology sense. i think some writers, when they actively choose to write someone as part of a marginalized identity they aren't themselves a part of or educated about, can take their supposed responsibility to create “good representation” far too seriously and too literally. good representation doesn’t try to be good representation, it just is. a plural person is not only a plural person, same as a trans person is not only a trans person. when writers TRY to make an interesting character with DID, for instance, they almost always fall into the trap of exclusively relying on medical literature without ever really questioning whether the medical establishment knows what the fuck it’s talking about, without seemingly any awareness of just how deliberately the DSM is positioned as a first and foremost capitalist psychological framework. they’re so obsessed with getting it “right” in some objective sense that they end up completely showing their ass over it, because there is simply no facet of human identity which can be objectively isolated and quantified with 100% accuracy. i will take a dozen poorly researched portrayals that treat their protagonist’s internal reality with empathy and respect over a “representative” homunculus defined solely by how their “condition” impacts their ability to function in normal society and how that’s really sad and tragic or maybe it’s very funny and silly but what it never is is just one character trait among many. it’s never a locus for examining unjust marginalization; in most contemporary narratives on the subject of plurality, even empathetic ones, their marginalization is a matter of safety that is ultimately as good for the marginalized as it is for everyone around them. attempts at "good representation" only ever seem to result in representation that is palatable for its intended audience of cishet neurotypical white people.

so, no, i didn’t do any intentional plural archetyping with June’s system, because i wanted these characters to show me who they were on their own terms, and because godfeels as a narrative is opposed to the tyranny of imposed archetypes (whether cultural or macrocosmic). but also, it’s kinda cool that they fit some broad archetypes anyway! that, to me, is evidence that i probably made the right call in taking this approach.

#godfeels #homestuck #plurality #june eg8ert #plural june egbert #representation #sarahposts

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rikiflowers · 3 years

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being enough; levi

genre: angst and fluff

warnings: cursing

- 3.6k words; Levi Ackerman x female reader; college au

you just want to be with him

You were tired. Not only were you sleep deprived for-you don’t actually how long- ages, also your mental health wasn’t in a stable place. Your constant fear to fail in every area of your life, does the rest. You were so tired, that you only lay in your bed, your eyes kept staring on the ceiling. It was pitch black in your room; your head sunk into your many stuffed animals. You were glad that your roommate was never here. She snucks out to her boyfriend’s place, so you could be for yourself. You sigh, hearing loud banging and bass boosting music from 2 rooms next to you.

It was always like this, so you got used to it, but today was an exception. Anger bubbles in your body. Couldn’t they be doing drugs and loud music at some other time, when you’re not like this? The void seems to consume you and you wished you could fill it; with him. You knew it was just sex, but your heart yearns for more, than he could ever give you. But you got along with this, feeling your body getting number with every shared kiss, every thrust and every intimate moment, which isn’t real.

You flinch as you heard your door open. For a second you thought your roommate was there but as soon as you hear his voice, your heart begins to flutter. “Why’s so dark in here are you vampire?”. He states, without a sign of a joke, but you knew it was. You don’t reply, instead you just lay there. You forgot he was coming to your place.

“You dead?”, he snaps at you, while he makes room for himself on your bed. I wish, you wanted to say, but instead you sit up, loop your arms around him. You buried yourself in his defined chest, feel his heartbeat through his hoodie. “What’s up?”, he asks confused, because he never seen you like this, and you could tell he’s a little overwhelmed with the whole situation. His hands grab your arm, pushing you just a lightly away.

“Will you fucking tell me what’s up or should I guess?”, he groans annoyed and his tone, you’re normally used to, scatter salt in your open wounds. Right now, you were too sensitive, everything you want is just smelling his scent that calms you down, usually. Right now, you can’t find the peace you desperately looking for.

“Fuck you.”, you mumble, avoiding his eyes. He only scoffed. “I came here to have a little stress relief and now you’re the one making a fuss huh.”, he coldly says, and it hurts. You fucking know. You both are just parties who fuck, nothing more. You fling his hand away. “Go.”. You didn’t want to say this.

He stands up, without a word and you’re hurt. You want to scream at him, tell him how you want- What do you want?

“Text me when you’re not being a brat.”, he adds and you’re about to throw him out of the window. The door shuts loudly, making you realize what just happened. In a blink of an eye, you frighten away the only one you wanted to keep. You kept staring at the door, hoping he would come back, but his wouldn’t happen. You and Levi were just fuck buddies. Noting more nothing less. It was a secret, you told nobody. Not even your shared circle of friends. You were professionals to keep it a secret.

You realize how you fucked up. What did you expect? That he would graze through your hair, kiss your problems away? You didn’t even want it yourself so why were you so desperate for this kind of affection? Levi wasn’t this kind of person, so were you. That’s why it was never complicated; Until now. Until feelings got in the way.

You curse under your breath, keeping the damn tears, not worth of escaping. You ask yourself what just happened.

…

“I’m fucked.”

Hanji lets out a frustrated sound, their head banging loudly in the table. You’re petting your friend’s head and Erwin lets out a low chuckle. “How often did I tell you to study for this test?”. Hanji growls and you and Erwin exchange gazes. You stretch out your arm, snapping his holy chocolate drink away from him. “Hey, that’s mine?”. You only grin at him, open his favourite drink and taking a delicious sip. “That’s for being a bigmouth.”, you only say and he only scoffs, but gifts you a cheeky smile hat says, ‘payback is bitch’.

“Hanji, let’s study next time okay? If you pass, I’ll give you 10 packs of your favourite gummy bears- “. You couldn’t finish speaking, because Hanji suddenly clings on you, like you’re their personal saviour, robbing the air out of your throat. “How could I deserve a best friend like you?”, they cried out, the whole canteen was looking at you. “Shithead, they’re looking at you.”

A new voice appears. It was Levi and your mind went automatically blank. After the last not so well proceeded meeting, you didn’t speak to each other. A whole weekend has passed, and you weren’t sure how to act. How did you act before? Why was this so hard now?

“Shorty shut up.”, Hanji spats cheekily, while the man only scoffs, takes his seat next to Erwin. You stare onto your plate, not sure what you’re doing, but you felt his eyes for a split second on you, covered under the attention of your friends. You felt your cheeks burning. Damn your body kindly betrays you.

You felt a rough hand on the back of your hand. You knew it was Erwin’s. “Everything’s alright?”, he only whispers, unheard for the others. You look at him, gave him a reassuring smile, that says ‘don’t worry’

You felt his blue eyes bore into you. He doesn’t believe you, while should he? He knows you better than everyone and yet you lie to him, without missing a second. While you two are having a silent argument, the other two doing their duty to insult themselves. They’re friends, actually, even when it doesn’t look like this. What you don’t register are Levi’s glimpses he gave you. He doesn’t want to admit, but his mind found itself at he thought of you and Erwin and he doesn’t like it. You’re not acting like yourself and he secretly wants to know the reasons behind it; But he’s too afraid to ask.

“You want to meet up at the library for the next assignment?”, Erwin asks you and you gladly go along. Studying with Erwin was always calm, organized and precise. You did actually get work done (different with Hanji).

“When?”

“After today’s class and after our study session I treat you your favourite pizza.”. You smile. “I love you; you know that?”, you let out, wanting to smooth your best friend right now. “Hey, what’s with the lovey dovey?”. Hanji speaks up and you only cringe. “What the fuck?”, you’re letting out and nearly fell from your seat. Hanji and you laugh so loud, that you were entertaining the whole area, but it doesn’t matter.

“Erwin did you hear this?”, you choked out, between your laughs that are actually looking painful, because of your tears escaping your eyes. He heard and Levi did too. Suddenly the raven-haired stands up and leaves, without looking at you. You were instantly quiet, followed with your eyes the disappearance of him. It prickles in your chest, because you promptly thought you did something wrong. “Huh, what’s with him?”, Hanji asks, instead of you. Erwin only shrugs. “He didn’t tell me.”, he only adds, leaving no room for more discussion.

You had the sudden urge to follow him; But you knew it was out of question. Levi wanted it to be a secret between you two. You aren’t even sure if this what is between is still there. Being anxious wasn’t even a term. You decided to text him after your study session with Erwin, hoping he would reply.

….

Why couldn’t you be so focused like Erwin who looks like the god himself, studying with no break and then he explains everything so nicely to you? How is he even real? Your head feels so heavy, lying on your arm, while Erwin buried himself in the books before him.

You smiled, while looking at him. Sometimes there was a little voice in your head, asking why you couldn’t have developed feelings for him? He was perfect in every aspect, he cares, and you knew he had a crush for you long time ago. You loved the silence, and the library was the perfect place for it. Just very few students gather in these halls.

“You’re sleepy, y/n.”, the blond states, earns a mumbling from you. “no, I’m studying.”, you answer, and you hear him chuckle. He ruffles trough your hair, ignoring your pouting, while his finger slightly massaging your scalp. “I don’t know drooling on the books is supposed to be studying.”. Instantly you’re straightening your back and wipe the evidence away. “I’ll grab some coffee and then I’m fit for use. You want some too?”, you ask him, while standing up. He waves and you’re making your way.

You hate that you can’t think straight. The situation with Levi nibbles on your nerves and you couldn’t handle these feelings well, already feeling unease in your stomach. You head out of the library, to go to the vending machines, standing some meters away on the side of the library complex. The sun was slowly setting, and you paused for a while. It was nearly 4 pm and the glow was nearly perfect. The sun feels so nice on your skin that you’re nearly drowning in this moment, completely forgetting your environment.

“Oi.”. You snap out of your daydreaming and the first thing you see was him. Levi, who looks like he actually wants to murder you. It wasn’t his normal stern face; he doesn’t seem in the mood at all. “Hi?”, you reply, feeling already giddy. It was his effect on you. You were already on your knees.

“You could at least tell me your feelings before you fucked with me.”

Your eyes wide, unable to process his statement. “Huh?”, was everything that left your lips and he just scoffed. His expression changes. He looks just dead annoyed and kind of arrogant. “Don’t play with me.”.

You didn’t know what he means. “Levi, I don’t get what you mean?”, you seriously tell him, and you feel how you feel your body tremble.

“Oh, you don’t know that you and Erwin have something going on I was just a side thing?”. He finally speaks and you couldn’t believe what he just said.

“I am fucking right and now go to him, he’s waiting.”. Levi turns around, but you were quicker. Ignoring his hateful gaze, that bores into you, you’re blocking his way. Your palms lie on his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat. “you’re an idiot, Levi.”.

“now you’re calling me names. How low.”, he snarls at you, took your hands and threw them away from you. You were a little taken back from his sudden action. “I don’t have anything going on with Erwin. I never had. If you had listened to me, you would know that it was you.”, you finally breathed out, what you always wanted to say; But too scared to do.

“always you.”, you added this in the storm of your feelings. For a bliss you looked into Levi’s grey eyes and then you ran back into the library, leaving him there. Levi is just standing there, in the middle of nothing and totally dumbfounded. He couldn’t handle what you just said. Why did you run away? Levi’s body tell him, to chase you, to ask you if this was true. He really wants to know, but instead of doing so, his body freezes, unable to reach out to you.

Why did he come here in the first place? He assumed that you had feelings for the blond. He watched him, slowly grazing through your hair and he was about to break every knuckle of Erwin’s hand. He had no entitlement to be actually jealous, but he couldn’t stop. He just saw you as someone who’s only there for him. It was out of question for him. He didn’t even have someone beside you. So, when he felt that you’re not like yourself anymore, your eyes miss the sparkle, every time you two are together, he was sure that you liked someone; Not him.

And here you were, telling him with your whole chest, that you like him? Him? Out of all the people that admire you? Levi wouldn’t commit to it loudly, but something in his brain always told him, that he didn’t deserve you at all, not you. When both of you made out at the party month ago, Levi couldn’t believe, that it’s really happened. He was on the constant brink, he could wake up and you’re not laying next to him, your warm skin brushing against his cold one. Now his nightmares were real. He fucked up. He fucked up so bad. You were bare before him, shouting your feelings at him and on the other hand Levi was too scared, too coward to admit.

You were running into the library. You didn’t know where else to go. You just want to leave the scene and him. Erwin instantly notices. His head peaks up, while you try to remain calm; But you couldn’t foul your best friend. He didn’t need to ask where your coffee is or why you had taken so long- He knew. “Let’s get out here, common.”.

Erwin was a pure angel. You couldn’t speak. Every try you would take; your tears would flow. He grabs your bag, insisting to carry it, while you’re looking like a lost sheep. The blond lead you out of the building and you’re hoping, Levi wouldn’t be there.

You can’t even bring yourself to look around, your eyes are fixed on the ground. “He isn’t here, y/n.”, he reassured you and you could finally breathe. “Erwin, I- “. Instantly tears escaping your eyes and you begin to sob uncontrollably, not finishing your sentence.

“I knew.”, he starts, and you look up to him. You could tell he was disappointed. “I thought you or Levi would tell me, so I waited.”. He sighs, ruffling through your hair, like he always does, and it soothes you a little. “We aren’t in a relationship, I doubt there would be something after this.”, you spoke, feeling your whole body tremble.

“After what?”.

“I confessed my feelings to him, I shouted them, and I ran.”, you answer, and you see Erwin’s little smile, creeping on his lips. “Huh?”

“Why you’re smiling like that?”, you add, waiting for an answer. “You two are unbearable. Thinking we wouldn’t sense something. You two really thought, we were that dense.”

“Hanji too?”. A chuckle was his answer and now you were dumfounded. It was so obvious for them and they kept quiet the whole time? “I hate you both.”, you spat at him with reddened eyes. “We love you too.”. You shove him playfully away, earning a laugh. “I can’t believe you.”, you shout annoyingly. “It’s so damn embarrassing.”

“I found it quite entertaining.”. You punch him. “Anyways it’s over now.”, you breathed out, feeling the tight knot in your heart. “I don’t think so and you know that.”, he interferes. You couldn’t reply to him. You don’t want it to be over. There was this huge misunderstanding between you two, that needs to be solved. He was never a side whatsoever. He was always your first priority, while you were questioning him; To think he thought the same, was draining; to say at least.

“We’ll see.”, was the last thing you would say for now. “I heard you’ll invite me to pizza.”, you changed the topic and Erwin kindly goes along. “I don’t know, when I ever said that.”. Whines left your lips, because he would now play with you. “I have receipts you said that!”, you pout, and he just laughs, leaving the university complex with you.

You knew he would treat you pizza.

….

It was exhausting, draining and everything that is sucking out every last energy you have. Avoiding Levi. It wasn’t your best move, but you didn’t know how to face the older one. Even if you see him in a distance, his raven hair peaks through other people, you ran away. Even Hanji couldn’t believe you two, calling you “lovesick teenager”. You punched them, every time.

Erwin was still around Levi and you were glad he does. They were also friends and you don’t want them to separate, just because you couldn’t talk this out.

“I’m so bad.”, you mumble, with your face buried in your arms. Hanji chuckles. “Looks familiar.”. You groan, wanting nothing more than a good portion of sleep; Forever. “y/n, it isn’t so bad, you can compensate this mark with…”, you don’t listen to them, because it wasn’t just the bad mark that’s on your mind. Your heart aches and it gets stronger, each time you refuse to gain some bravery to speak to him.

“I just wan to see his face…”, you whisper, and you expect Hanji to laugh at you, telling you to ‘just-go-see-him-it-isn’t-that-hard’, but instead there was silence.

“Then why you’re running away from me, woman.”

The first reaction to his voice, was to say ‘fuck’ and you heard Hanji laugh. Fuck. Why was he here, right in front of you and all the others who are watching? Your heart seems to jump out of your chest, while you’re desperately trying to find a way out.

“please go.”, you whisper, not facing him, because your face was red like fire. “No.”, he simply says, and you finally raise your gaze. He stands right before your desk, looking down on you and you feel yourself instantly drawn to him. You hated his effect on you.

“Everyone is watching, you don’t like that.”, you spat, harsher than you want. Why couldn’t you just think straight for once? Levi only scoffs, his hoodie hanging loose on his defined body. “Stop this bullshit y/n and please let us talk.”. Who was he to call this? Why were you so in a mess, that you see his behaviour as provocative?

“I- “. You don’t know anymore. Maybe it was your pride speaking, not yourself. Everything in you was burning, not knowing how to handle the situation well. His eyes soften, ignoring the staring gazes of the others in the lecture hall. “Please.”. The soft and kind of desperate tone in his voice shift something in you. “When?”.

“Now? I heard it was your last lecture.”. You couldn’t decline. You just couldn’t; So, you only nod, excuse yourself from Hanji, who only smiles. You ignore the others, following the man, you’re so deeply in love with, outside. What should you say after your confession?

“Are you free to grab a tea?”, he quietly asks, while you two are heading out of the building. You just nod, having trouble to find the right words.

It was empty on the floor, only your footsteps could be heard. “y/n?”, he breaks the silence and you looked at him. “Can’t you please say something? I- I ‘m not used to you not talking.”, he demands and both halt. Your eyes bore into his. “and I’m not used to this.”, you reply, mentioning his different behaviour.

The mood was tearing. “I know.”.

“but I want to apologize for being such an ass, accusing you of something, just because I couldn’t face my own insecurity of not being good enough for you.”, he breathes out, while his eyes are focused on something else, not looking at you. You could this was difficult for him. His ears were red, not hidden form his silky, black hair.

“Why in the world could you think something like this?”, was the first thing that left your lips. Levi, the most wanted man on the campus was afraid of not being good enough for someone like you? You could only imagine how deep his insecurities root and a part in you always want to discover them.

“The evening, when you left… I was desperate to have you. I just wanted you to hold me, to tell me you’re here and you left.”, you came clean and he looks ropey. It makes your heart ache so much, that you just want to hold him.

“I was anxious, that you want to end things. I misread and I am sorry.”. You sense that he was really sorry. He confesses his feelings out here, not caring for someone to overhear it. “Thank you.”.

Your answer surprises him and you see him searching for words. “I should thank you, y/n. For loving someone like me.”.

That gave you the rest. You instantly found yourself into him. His arms wrap around your frame, drowning you into his scent, you were missing so much. You take a longs exhale, feeling his racing heartbeat against your ear. “you are an idiot.”, you muffle against his hoodie, feeling tears prickling again. He chuckles low, kissing your scalp softly, while his finger grazes over your back. This was more than you could ever ask for. Just him.

“I’m trying y/n okay?”.

You only nod against his chest, squeezing into him more, until you become one. There was more to talk about, but that’s for later.

#levi #levi aot #levi x reader #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #angst and fluff #levi ackerman #anime

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franki-lew-yo · 3 years

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I really hate 2d purists. No, not 2d animation. Not 2d animators.

2d purists.

The sad thing is it’s gotten to the point that I really cringe hearing any pro-2D sentiment at all. I hate the arguments I agree with because how often they're misused and weaponized by idiots.

Let me make my stance here clear - 2d is NOT appreciated and 3d is used for everything! The layman Karen-mom who doesn’t have an artistic bone in her body looks at stupidsmooth 3D Grubhub ads and assumes quality cause it “looks more real” (aka ‘rendered’). I know as much is true because I literally have a member of my family who told my sister and I that she thinks 3d is better (and also that she “tolerated THOSE movies for us kids”. Touching words. My sister was taking an animation course by the way). Combined that with the studios either using 2D for cheap stuff or finding good 2d animation too “costly”, I get it and I’m not even any animator. I'm just a worm an illustrator.

but holy HELL -

There’s a backlash from the artistic community that's it's own kind of insufferable and deserve to be addressed.

“(insert2Danimatedfilm) is better BECAUSE it's 2D!”

followed by: "Animation is a visual medium and the quality of the art affects how much the story means !!!!”

Yes. Totally. Animation is a visual medium and the look and style is important. Sadly, people use this excuse to really obnoxious ends, insisting that design being pretty is '' everything ''. When you treat a movie more as a special effects demo I get why you talk about the artistry at hand; but I’m sorry, visuals are not the only thing important and it’s why I’m also getting sick of the sameElsafacesyndrome rants too! There’s this attitude that's reads as "but it LOOKS better fromaproductionimage/teasertrailerwhichapparentlyisindicativeof all themovieactuallyis so it MUST BE better".

-“3D should only be used to make things look realistic!”

I think I know the logic this criticism is made in response to, and that’s the Sony + Illumination films which look just as good in 2D as they do in three dimensions. I know it feels like people are twisting this medium to try and make it like a classic cartoon when by all means people can and would love a classic cartoon being a classic cartoon. That I get- From the unsung 2D animator’s perspective, that’s more than valid !

But it’s a huuuuuuge slap in the face to 3d in saying it should only be used for "realistic animation" because

1: It’s not like realistic animation could age badly or look uncanny in the next few years. It's almost like technology is constantly improving, which I guess 2d animation never did and it was always the same technique and quality as every film that came after it.

2: The industry does treat 3d as a magic-moneymaker for this reason. Just listen to these people call the 2019 LION KING “live action” as if they’re embarrassed to call it animation. It IS animation! It would be impressive if you acknowledged that what it is, but like the CATS, you basically are treating it as just a neato tool to better your live action and not it's own artform - which it is!

3: By this “three-deeonly gud when real liek in da toystories” non-logic I guess 2d should ONLY be for flowyflowy SPACE JAM cartoons and maybe some Disney*. Just that though. You can’t do anything more with 2d. It’s never supposed to be realistic I guess. Good thing Richard Williams only did 'toons' and just toons that’s why we need 3d in the world I guess.

Wait no - that’s stupid.

"I HAVE to see the “Land Before Time 14″ when it comes out! I mean it’s a 2D animated film!"

Lost in the aether that is Youtube comment chains removed from kid's videos is a stream of this very VERY stupid argument supporting the buying of the 14th LAND BEFORE TIME film because it’s supporting 2D. My sister and I can be found on that chain arguing against this stupidity. All you have is my word, but trust me: it really did happen.

I’m sorry but...no.

Unless you have a friend or a family member who worked on these movies there’s no reason to see this and ESPECIALLY no reason to insist it’s a win for the 2D community if you buy up this crap - and I'm not judging if you do like it, but come on! LAND BEFORE TIME 14 isn't where your money should go if you really like this medium.

What’s so infuriating about this argument is you can tell it’s made by nonanimators. Real animators will tell you to support their movies cause they want some respect for their artform which is why there’s such a push from the PRINCESS AND THE FROGcrowd that you SEE and LOVE every 2d thing out there, regardless of how good it is because any recognition for it is k i n d o f what they're after!

Kiddy sequel schlock isn’t even in the same ballpark as KLAUS or WOLFWALKERS; these films DID have very limited theatrical runs (Klaus so it could be nominated; Wolfwalkers in places where theaters opened up after Covid) and should have been supported because they were labors of love made by people who love animation.

As other people have already pointed out, one of the reasons for the lack of interest in 2000sera2D animation is that the only films released alongside critical+financial 3D hits were cheaper 2D films that either coincided with daytime tv shows or should have been just direct-to-video. It’s not to say art couldn’t come out of these flicks, but dayum if it wasn’t abused as much as the texture software that era's CG used... Point being, should the world ever go back to normal: If you hear about an out-of-town showing an acclaimed 2D animated film, make time to trek out and see THAT!

Don’t give your money to see yet another made-for-tv movie on the big screen because all that tells the studio is: “yeah 2d IS cheap and only good for cheap stuff let’s just keep it cheap. Only 3d is important 8D 8D 8D !!!"

“I don’t understand how it works. So it sucks.”

This text is from an ANIMATOR btw.

“I don’t understand how it works” and “it’s just some computer rendering” is the exact same wave of logic the people who prefer cgi use.

The plebian Karen I mentioned earlier? She understands the basics of 2D animation as much as you did from one of those cruddy flash classes you took in middle-school. She 'understands' the basics cuz she watched how it was made on the DVD features or maybe back on the WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY. To her, the illusion is broken and she’s not impressed by 'just some drawings on paper'. You, an animator, know the process is more complicated and is intrigued by knowing how it’s made - not bored or disinterested -

Neither you nor Aunt Karen have really good cg-animation software at your house and unless you ARE a 3D animator you probably DON’T know all the ins-and-outs of how these movies are modeled, rendered, and animated.

Aunt Karen is bedazzled by them cause she doesn’t know how it works and the technical aspect makes her brain hurt so it might as well be magic and she can feel like a cool kid sharing Minion-memes. Aunt Karen is the nonartistic type who just wants to feel safe. You're not. You want to feel challenged.

I get it: you’re pissed off cause you’re in a field no one, including Aunt Karen, appreciates; told to work in cg which it's an artform you didn’t devote your life to and told to learn it cause THIS style sells! 3D is everywhere and is starting to look like 'garbage' even if you don’t animate 3D models yourself you just KNOW, I guess. Besides, you know all there is to know about 2d!! You know all there is to possibly know about this artform and have to fight this 'war' against "r e a l" animation! And I mean even when 3d software is there to use, it's not like you can actually make anything worth while in it, especially not anything that transcends the medium. Right Worthikids?

TL;DR: This argument is basically just " BWAAAAH I’M NOT GONNA USE IT I HAVE STANDARDS (a chip on my shoulder cuz art should be what I deem it to be) "

“PRINCESS AND THE FROG is-”

There’s a reason I can’t say I truly like PRINCESS AND THE FROG even though it's not even a bad movie! Like, stop reading this and watch PATF if you haven't it's good. It's my 'FROZEN', in that; I see a lot of potential in it I just think it needs some serious rewriting and that bugs me. Always have felt that way, tbh.

I dislike this movie because the response from the animation community seems to be it was perfect and the Academy was just Pixar-crazy with UP ((ftr, the Academy IS Pixar’s bitch and I personally advocate a sequel be made to WAKING SLEEPING BEAUTY about Mike Eisner’s sabotage of the 2D department at Disney which is still in place now!- but that’s a story for another day)). I’m sorry but UP was just a better story. So was CORALINE. So was FANTASTIC MR. FOX. Honest to god it feels like poor PATF is brought up as just a talking point and never for it's own worth as a labor of love - which it was! I'd like to honestly know: had PRINCESS AND THE FROG come out now and been cg if it would have even half the defenders for it because now it doesn't "look" like how a Disney movie "should" look...

If you like PatF more than the currant Disney lineup because of it's culture, it's music, it's feminism, it's black representation? Awesome. Great. Those things should be appreciated and I never want that taken away from you. But if you seriously think PatF is better just for how it was animated and looks - I lowkey may hate you.

“ALL OF DISNEY’S LATEST MOVIES SHOULD HAVE BEEN 2D! THEY ALL LOOK AWFUL IN 3D!! ALL OF THEM!”

TANGLED, FROZEN, and MOANA? Yeah. Sure. But um, e x c u s e y o u- WRECK IT RALPH sooooo doesn’t work in 2d! It could have used different between the various worlds but it’s about hopping through different video games. I’m also of the opinion that ZOOTOPIA and BIG HERO 6 are fine the way they are. Their 3d is awesome.

The latest fairy tale Disney films are really big on their place alongside the 2D canon esp in marketing. They keep trying to mimic 2D to varying results though I don't think it works as well as the movie's I'd previously mentioned. Me personally, I would love a mix of 3D and 2D technology, like if the backgrounds in FROZEN still got to be 3D but the characters were handdrawn and shaded ala KLAUS ((sweet sigh)). But even then are they truly unwatchable just based on how they're animated to you?

MOANA would have been incredible in 2D but for the record - I don't think it feels out of place in it's style. It reminds me more of a Pixar movie with the heart of a Disney classic which is it's own just as good.

“2D is the oldest form of animation and it’s being replaced.”

Actually, if we’re talking animation in film, stop motion is the earliest form of animation. The stop motion animated THE ADVENTURES OF PRINCE ACHMED and TALE OF THE FOX predate Disney’s SNOW WHITE. And yes: stop-motion IS still a form of animation even if it’s a serious of pictures taken of real life things and not drawings, so don’t you dare come at me with the "but that's not animated"/"Technically it’s LIVE ACTION" crap or I’ll envoke the spirit of Sandman to get you at night.

“Every animated film would look better in 2D! Even PIXAR would look better in 2D!”

Again, Stop Motion.

No, I mean it.

Lemme ask: Would ISLE OF DOGS or FANTASTIC MR. FOX carry any of the same effect if they were generic 90s toons? I know NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS wouldn’t. Christ, don’t even get me started on Svankmajer!

Sometimes the problem is that a movie is envisioned with a specific artform in mind. Pixar started out with toys and bugs for a reason and that’s cuz they were always gonna be a 3d studio and they needed to first overcome the placisity of the models. Over the years they’ve gotten really good at effects and blending unrealistic proportions with real textures (and also not so much- ONWARD and THE GOOD DINOSAUR really needed some different character designs and yeah, I do think would have looked better with a 2d artstyle, but not the ones they had in their films. THE GOOD DINOSAUR needed more realistic-speculative looking dinos and ONWARD needed a grittier HEAVY METAL/BLACK CAULDRON appeal to its designs.) My point being that the problems with these movies aren’t even inherently the animation as much as it is a problem of style. As someone who runs a group speculating different styles and designs for movies and tv shows I’m all for envisioning a 2D ZOOTOPIA or Bluth-inspired FNAF. That’s amazing!

But that’s also the talk of fan artists and nerds and not the professional artists working on visualizing their stories!!

Since I ate, slept, and breathed NIGHTMARE in my youth I’ll use it as an example: All the concept art ever done for TNBC was on paper and 2D was used in the final film. However, even when Tim Burton was thinking of making it just a tv special it was always going to be stop-motion. NIGHTMARE’s puppet cast do work very well in two dimensions, believe me, but the film was made as a love letter to Rankin/Bass and the art form of stop-motion. Skipping to another Henry Selick-helmed project (haha), JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH was also always envisioned as a multimedia film to give it a truly dream-like atmosphere. If you know anything about Henry Selick you’ll know he’s 1) a perfectionist, and 2) loves mixed media and different types of animation and puppetry at once. That’s why he was the perfect pick to direct TNBC at the time, why JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH and CORALINE are so beautiful and why MOONGIRL, his only fully 3d film, doesn’t have the same appeal.

As for what films I couldn’t imagine NOT being 3D? Probably; 9, Padak, Next Gen, Soul, Finding Nemo, the Toy Story films, Wreck-it-Ralph (as previously mentioned), Wall.E, Waltz with Bashir, Robots, Inside Out, Arthur Christmas, The Painting, Happy Feet, Shrek, Enter the Spiderverse, Megamind… just naming a few here.

“I want a traditionally animated film [and by that I mean a 90s-Disney/Don Bluth looking movie] of ‘x'-popular live action/stage thing!”

Okay I’m cheating a bit but it’s my blog and so I’m gonna stick this one in because it’s related.

When I see musings about wanting live-action or CGI shiz to be in 2d again a lot of the time this argument actually boils down to " I want this to look like a 90s Didney movie ". Or, if it’s about animals - " I want it to look like a Don Bluth film! "

Like...there ARE other styles of animation out there...you know that right?

Frack, Disney themselves tried different styles throughout the 90s it’s just that the peak of the Disney renaissance films (LITTLE MERMAID, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, ALADDIN, THE LION KING) and the many imitators that followed tended to have the same look to them where only film/animation nerds kept watching into the era that was TARZAN, HERCULES, and ATLANTIS along with the kids. Aunt Karen wasn't singing Part of your World in the carride with you every day.

The Don Bluth argument is especially irritating because...what exact feeling do you WANT from a movie if it looked Bluthish? Each of the four ‘quintessential’ Bluth movies (NIMH, AMERICAN TAIL, LBT, and ALL DOGS) have such a different feel to them that’s complimented by that style; SECRET OF NIMH is a drama about wild animals trying to understand humans; LAND BEFORE TIME is even more squarely about an animal’s perspective as there’s literally no humans around; AMERICAN TAIL uses animals stowing away on the ship to tell a story about refugees; and ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN is ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN.

What the frack are you even asking for with that because I think there’s a certain flavor to the Bluth-styled oeuvre as well as the 90s Disney catalogue that would clash too much stylistically with some films.

Also come on! Like some Bluthian-style 2d would really fix THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS or SCOOB!, bite me.

I think this fixation solely on these two hand drawn styles and nothing else is based on nostalgia goggles, refusing to step outside the norm and discover different films and feelings than Disney and Bluth, and just preference. Goin back to NIGHTMARE there will always be a special place in my heart for Henry Selick’s stop motion, but I couldn’t imagine CHICKEN RUN or ANOMALISA in it's unique style.

Also I’m tired of every time there’s a "lets make an animatic to ‘x’ musical theater song" it’s reliably just Disneyesque or realistic. WHY envision an animated version of the show at all if it doesn’t have A STYLE to it??!?! I’m sorry but 90s-Disney does NOT fit CABARET!

“3D is so CHEAP now! Why can’t they just do 2D again?”

I think - on the cusp of the 2020s and the Grubhub hatedom, there ARE changing times ahead for 3d and 2d. The general public are starting to get tired of the same looking 3d films and wanting some 2d back, but they don’t have the best resources or opinions on animation to know what it is they want. Meanwhile, the animation community + industry is trying to figure out what to do and you have a lot of turmoil between the monopoly that is the industry, the high standards of the artists, and the mixed wants of the animation fanbase deciding what art needs to be.

It’s a tough business. And in the spirit of that tough business - maybe DON’T act like the means of a film’s production is solely your control, that you know best, and know definitively what the artists should have done....cuz you don't. Sorry my fellow criticalfanomanalysist-folks we DON'T and in an age of standom where fans and critics think it's okay to hackle indie animation studios about not getting their pitched cartoon out fast enough - we need to reserve these discussions to our circles and not treat them as gospel.

3d animation and 2d animation have to share this world. Stop acting like they’re either interchangeable in terms of budget, means of production, or artistry or that one has to be superior to the other.

The industry already says one art form is better (spoiler: it’s always live-action), we don’t need anymore of this purist garbage. Just stick to what you like while trying new things on the side. Be critical while also being compassionate. And remember:

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#animation #animation on tumblr #2d animation #3d animation #traditional animation #hand drawn animation #Franki's Features

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august-anon · 4 years

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LERning New Things About Ourselves -- Pineapple’s Fics!

Note From August: With Pineapple taking a break from tumblr until she’s an adult, I will be hosting her fic on my blog for the time being. You can find them under tags like pineapple fics and pineapple writing. Once she is back, they will be deleted from my blog and reposted to her own. Thanks for being understanding to her during this time! Don’t forget to show her your love!

Word Count: 9111 words

Characters: lee!Virgil, ler!Roman

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Virgil’s heart thudded out of his chest as he stared up at the maliciously coy smile leaning over him. He had never been so excited yet so terrified in his life. “So, darling,” cooed his captor. “Shall we begin your destruction?”

~~~~~~~~~~

It all started on that fateful day when Virgil Anthony decided to post an ad for a new roommate. His previous roommates, Patton and Logan each got married and moved away, leaving Virgil with an empty apartment and no friends.

He was surprisingly content with that reality had it not been for a silly little thing called “rent” that incessantly found itself worming its way into Virgil’s life, and grew impressively large throughout the months. So, deciding he wished to eat this month, he begrudgingly settled on posting a chipper little advertisement on their community college’s website requesting a new roommate, provided they could come up with $450 a month. Weeks passed by and he was starting to lose hope until finally, he got a reply. After a quick online interview, he found himself with a new roommate. Before Virgil knew it, it was moving day.

And that was when he met Roman Prince. Roman was… eccentric.. to say the least, but despite their slightly awkward interview, Virgil knew he was the one. And maybe it helped that he made twice what Virgil made in a week, and brought with him a flatscreen TV and a Switch. Just a little.

“Ahh! Hello!” greeted the man as he set down his suitcase on the steps leading to the apartment. “You must be Virgil!” He stuck out the newly freed hand to shake Virgil’s. Virgil accepted.

“Hey, dude. Yeah, and you must be Roman,” he acknowledged with a smile. “Do you need help with your stuff?”

Roman waved his hand. “Nah, a couple of buddies of mine are coming by later to help me. For now, it’s just me and my suitcase,” he answered, pointing to the suitcase he left by the staircase. Virgil nodded.

“Okay, cool. Well, why don’t you come in, and we can chat.” Virgil wrung his hands slightly as he spoke, his nerves lit up from the social anxiety. He was trying his best to be friendly and not scare this guy off. Fortunately, Roman seemed to do most of the talking for the both of them. Only a couple hours in, the two found themselves seated on the sofa, sipping wine, and getting to know each other. Well, it was mostly Virgil getting to know Roman.

“So, how long have you lived in Cheyenne?” Virgil asked him.

“About three years now! We moved right after I graduated highschool, my parents grew up here, and I decided to go to college here too,” he answered, pointing to the east side of the apartment in the direction of the community college.

Virgil smiled. “That’s nice you all can live in the same area. You get along with your family well, I take it?”

Roman bobbed his head. “Oh yeah. I’m an only child, and it’s safe to say they spoiled me,” he chuckled, and Virgil joined him. Roman shrugged, smiling wryly. “I mean, I’m sure you figured that out considering no sibling should ever feel this confident,” he joked.

Virgil snickered. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Coming from a kid with three older brothers, I know.” He poured some more red wine into both of their glasses. “So, where do you work?” he inquired, ignoring the urge to ask where he makes so much money,

“I work at the bar across the street, Rattlesnake Juice Bar. I’m the manager,” Roman said, bringing the glass up to his lips. Virgil’s eyes widened slightly in surprise.

“Wow, that’s impressive! Normally at twenty-one, employers don't offer management positions at bars,” commented Virgil, sipping his own drink. Roman swallowed his drink and shrugged.

“I guess it was because I had some experience, you know? I’ve been in management since I was seventeen.” Virgil nodded his head with a smile.

“Yeah, that’d do it,” he chuckled. Virgil shifted so he sat on his knees. “So, are you going to do management for a major?” he asked.

Roman shook his head. “No, actually, although it’d probably be a better career plan. Instead, I’m majoring in Journalism with a minor in Creative Writing.” Virgil brought the glass up to his lips, preparing to drink again.

“Oh wow, that’s cool. What do you like to write?”

“Tickle fanfiction.”

Virgil coughed violently, and spit the wine he just had in his mouth onto his shirt. Roman’s eyes widened in panic. “Oh, oh my gosh, are you alright?” he asked, hurriedly grabbing paper towels and handing them to the still sputtering man. Virgil snapped back to reality and finally noticed the spill.

“Oh, for heavens’ sake-“ he muttered, graciously accepting the towels and dabbing at his shirt. Roman furrowed his eyebrows as he helped Virgil clean up.

“Are you alright?” he asked again, his voice laced in genuine concern. Virgil looked up at him for a moment and examined his eyes for any signs of malfeasance. Nothing.

“Um, yeah, I-“ he coughed again, his cheeks turning a light pink. “Yeah, I just, you know, went down the wrong pipe,” he stuttered, gesturing vaguely to his throat. Roman nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Are you sure you’re good?”

Virgil nodded a bit too earnestly as he got up to go throw away the wine-soaked paper towels. Once safely in the kitchen, he refocused his breathing and tried to calm his beating heart. It was a good thing too, because as soon as he returned, Roman continued the conversation right back up where it had left off.

Virgil barely had time to sit down before Roman began speaking again. “Yeah, so anyways, back to our conversation, I write tickle fanfiction,” he explained with a smile. “It’s super fun. I have quite the following on Tumblr too! Over three hundred followers and they're growing by the minute!” Roman raved. Virgil just started in utter disbelief.

“Oh, well. That’s, uh, cool.”

Roman’s face lit up in excitement. “I take it you know what tickle fanfiction is?” he asked eagerly.

Virgil’s face heated to a thousand degrees. “No! I-I mean, no, not really. I just, I was being supportive. Yeah.” Virgil cringed at how painfully obvious he was being. This guy had to know his slip up. At least he clearly didn’t have to worry about being judged with Roman. But alarmingly, Roman actually appeared to believe him.

“Oh! Well, it’s the coolest thing. Basically-“ he paused for a moment. “Hm, actually, I guess the best way to explain is to start at the very beginning!”

And there Virgil sat, for an entire hour, as he listened to Roman in great explicit detail explain every aspect of the fixation of tickling, the community he was in, and everything he wrote about without a single stutter or slip up. And Virgil listened the whole way through, flinching at the subconscious wiggling of fingers as Roman discussed teases, and thanking whoever the genius inventor of foundation was, for it was the only thing keeping him from blinding his new roommate with the power of his flush as Roman described lees and lers.

Virgil also found out that apparently Roman was a ler. How…interesting.

Finally, mercifully, Roman stopped talking. “Oh goodness,” he laughed. “I’ve been talking for almost an hour, haven’t I!”

Exactly fifty-six minutes, thought Virgil.

“Sorry, I just get really excited and passionate about tickling and writing! Writing is my biggest hobby, and I love it so much. I try to be in touch with all my followers too, you know? I message back to anyone who messages me first, and reply to comments when I can.”

“Um, yeah. Well, I, uh, better throw this shirt in the wash,” Virgil interjected, leaping from the couch and scurrying out of the room.

Roman stared, watching his roommate in confusion, but ultimately shrugged it off and went to go find his new room.

It had been a week since the incident, and frankly, Virgil had not fully recovered yet. He didn’t even know how to begin to process the fact that a proud, confident ler was now living with him. He desperately wanted to know what Roman’s Tumblr account was to see if he could follow him. But discreetly of course, because even though Roman may be secure and confident in his quirk, Virgil was not, and that was just how it was. It would be easy, right? Just ignore him when he talks about it. Virgil was sure Roman was probably used to it.

Later that afternoon, Virgil was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, and was intensely scrolling through Tumblr on his phone trying to find Roman’s blog, when the man in question walked into the room.

Virgil all but threw his phone across the room in a panic when he heard the heavy footsteps behind him. He spun around. “Uh, y-yes?” he asked, closing his eyes in an attempt to slow his pounding heart rate. Roman didn’t seem to notice the odd behavior.

“Hey, Virge! So, you’re an English major, right?” He pulled up a chair at the dining room table and sat down. Virgil nodded, happy for the change of conversation.

“Yep. Whatcha need?”

Roman pulled out his phone and scrolled for a bit before handing it over to Virgil. “Do you mind proofreading this for any grammar or spelling errors?”

Virgil nodded and accepted the phone, squinting to try and read the tiny print. This wasn’t uncommon for Virgil. Many of his acquaintances often asked Virgil to proofread their emails and letters to bosses and businesses. It wasn’t until a few seconds of staring until he noticed.

It was a tickle fic. Virgil’s face blossomed into a bright red, as he glanced up at Roman who was sitting stone faced and calm.

“What-” he cleared his throat, “What is this?” he asked, trying to appear nonchalant.

Roman tilted his head. “One of my fics! I’m not the best with grammar, and I was really hoping you could help me edit. You know, as a writing major I really want to get better,” he responded with a smile. Virgil took a shaky breath. No, this was fine. Completely and totally fine. He was just reading a fic in the direct presence of a ler, and then giving him pointers on how to make it better.

“Well, um, you could, maybe, reword this better,” he finally said after a minute.

“What part?”

Virgil pointed to a sentence on the screen. “That one.”

Roman looked at him and giggled. “Virge, do you really think I can see that? Just read it to me, silly.”

Virgil’s face felt like it was on fire. “Oh, um. Okay. So you w-wrote, ‘He laughed, squirming all over the bed, as Chuni followed him, massaging his r-ribs.’ Yeah?” He glanced up at Roman to see him listening intently. Oh, this was hard. “Um, so, to make it flow better you can reword it slightly by changing, changing the order.” He cleared his throat again. “For example, ‘He laughed and squirmed all over the bed and Chuni followed him, m-massaging his ribs.’ Does that, um, make sense?” he clarified.

Roman smiled and nodded. “Yeah, it does! Thanks! Anything else?” Virgil shut his eyes in an attempt to control his breathing.

“Well you, um, spelt t-tormenting wrong,” he grimaced. Roman leaned over.

“Oh did I?” Virgil nodded, propping his head up on his arm in a weak attempt to hide his face. “Can you go over the rest with me?”

Virgil pinched his arm. “Yep, sure thing,” he squeaked.

That was by the longest afternoon of his young adult life. But if he thought that was bad, nothing compared to what happened a month later.

Virgil had still not yet found Roman’s blog, and he kicked himself for not checking to see what the title of the one fic he proofread was so he could search it up later. Regardless, he was still very closeted in his secret fantasy, and somehow managed to keep his cool throughout the many conversations where Roman brought up his ler moods, and writings, and such.

“Virgil!” exclaimed Roman, bursting into the room. Virgil jumped slightly from his seat on the couch, nearly dropping his phone.

“Um, yes?” He turned to see Roman holding a ukulele. “Why do you have a ukulele?”

Roman smiled excitedly. “Well, so you know how I talk about teases, right? How they’re essential to the wreckage of a lee?” Virgil forcefully shoved the embarrassment panic creeping up down his throat. “Well, I thought how cool it’d be, as a new type of tease, to write song parodies of nursery rhymes, but make them tickle related!”

Virgil’s stomach twisted in a pleasant coil as he sat in complete shock. Surely not. “I, uh-“

“You wanna hear some?” he asked, bouncing up and down excitedly on his toes. Virgil continued to ogle as he begged his

voice to work.

“Um, s-sure,” he stuttered out, his voice cracking at the end.

Roman beamed. “Perfect! Okay, so you know the song Tiny Tim, right?”

Virgil coughed. “T-the turtle song?” Roman nodded.

“Yep! But I changed it.” He did a strum of the ukulele before beginning to play the catchy tune. “I have a little feather,” he sang out, his voice ringing out with the chords of the instrument. “His name is Tiny Tim, I used him on my lee, to see if he would grin!” Virgil blanched at the teasing lilt in his voice. “I drank up all his laughter, it made him buck and squeal, and now he’s nice and flustered, his smile oh so real!”

Roman finished the song and looked at Virgil expectantly. Unfortunately, at that moment Virgil’s voice decided to duck out and leave him. Roman giggled at him. “Are you speechless at my talent or something?”

Virgil, horrified, frantically willed the embarrassment away as he finally found his voice. “Oh, no, sorry. Uh, yeah no. It was good. Good,” he took a breath while rubbing the back of his neck. “Job. Yeah,” he finished lamely.

Roman pumped his fists in excitement. “Yessss! I was super proud of it! You wanna hear another one?” Rather than wait for a response, he strummed the ukulele again. “Oh, so this tease requires a specific name for it. Do you mind if I just use yours?”

Virgil swore he was going to have a stroke.

“Oh I know a little lee,” he sang, this time playing a new tune. “His name is Wiggle Virgey,” he paused his singing to look at him. “Adding y’s at the end of names makes it teasy,” he explained.

Virgil said nothing.

“He is so very nice, but oh he is so giggly, and so goes his arms, and his arms go like so, and his arms are always so-oh-oh!”

Yep. Virgil was going to die.

After two more verses, Roman finally finished his song and Virgil was all but willing to sell both his kidneys to disappear from this conversation.

“So, what did you think? That one isn’t my best, but I liked it!” Roman commented nonchalantly.

Virgil simply stared and nodded. Roman furrowed his eyebrows in concern. “Are you feeling alright?”

Virgil blinked. “YeAh, why?” His voice cracked as he tried to speak. He quickly coughed to cover it up.

“I don’t know, you just seem sick or something. You’ve been coughing an awful lot. Your face is like bright red and you’ve been oddly quiet,” said Roman. That only made Virgil blush even more.

“No, yeah, no I’m fine,” he answered, waving him off. “Yeah, but I really gotta go work on, um that thing, for school, see ya around.” And with that, Virgil darted out of the room for the second time, leaving Roman standing alone in utter bewilderment.

Virgil had done his very best to avoid Roman after the whole tease incident, which was difficult considering they lived under the same roof. And even worse considering Roman was the most oblivious guy on the planet.

Virgil was in bed, scrolling through Tumblr on his phone, when he saw another post from his favorite writer, TheLeringPrince. He felt his lee mood spike as he saw it was a new tease post. Eagerly, he tapped the post and began to read. Slowly as he read though, something seemed off. The tease post was various nursery rhymes all modified to fit into the theme of tickling. And Tiny Tim was one of them.

Virgil’s heart began to race and his mind started spinning as he hurriedly tried to calm himself down. “No, Virgil,” he breathed out. “No, it’s just a coincidence. Roman probably stole it from this guy or maybe just thought of the same idea.” Ironically, he found himself wishing his roommate was a thief who stole credit from his favorite Tumblr user’s work, rather than admit that Roman was said favorite Tumblr user.

But right at the bottom of the post, there was a little bold sentence that truly made Virgil’s heart stop.

‘And many of you have been wondering about my sudden improvement in my grammar and spelling. Well, you can thank my brand new roommate for helping me proofread all my new fics and teases!’

What was Virgil’s luck? Of all the people on this planet of seven billion, he gets a roommate who, not only is a confident and charismatic ler who happily reads his teases and fics to Virgil, but is also the specific ler that Virgil had been daydreaming about being destroyed by for years.

Virgil wasn’t sure if he wanted to hug whoever ordained this or punch them.

Virgil contemplated it for a while before finally deciding to tell his anxiety to hit the road, and take this glorious opportunity by the horns. So with a deep breath, he clicked on TheLeringPrince’s profile, then DM’s, then opened his keypad.

Immenslee_Ticklish: Hey, just wanted to say that I really like your stuff, and that you seem like a pretty cool dude. Would you want to chat sometime?’

Immediately, he received a reply.

TheLeringPrince: Why thank you, Immenslee. And yes, I would love to chat ;)

Days went by, and Roman and Virgil were talking through their blogs constantly. Roman had taken to teasing Virgil quite thoroughly on the platform, and Virgil obviously ate it up. Roman even mentioned wanting to meet up sometime. Virgil would be lying if he said he didn't nearly pass out at that.

Of course they still talked in real life, only Roman didn’t know who Virgil was. Oddly enough, Virgil almost felt safer talking to his Tumblr handle rather than to him in real life. He had to laugh at that. Six months ago, Virgil would have fainted at the idea of living with his favorite ler. And now, here he was, finally having something to satiate his ever present, insatiable lee mood! And he was hiding.

He just wasn’t sure how to tell him! Leave his Tumblr open? Text him? Tell him through Tumblr DMs? For goodness’ sake, what was he so afraid of? This guy was clearly accepting and non judgmental about the whole thing. Most people would kill to be in this position. Well, most lees anyways.

Little did Virgil know, but Roman was already pretty suspicious. He didn’t have any evidence of the fact, but he was pretty certain that Virgil had to have some lee in him somewhere. His blush and stutters were getting increasingly obvious and even though Roman could be an idiot, he wasn’t stupid. It took him a while to figure it out, but once he did, there was nothing stopping him. Except of course, if Virgil for some reason just didn’t want to be tickled. That was fine too. But there was something in him that made Roman sincerely doubt that was the case.

Roman had never had a problem about being open with his fixation. He figured that if people were going to judge him based on a silly little liking, then they weren’t worth being in his life. He could understand why some people hid it, sure. It was scary to be so open about something other people found weird. But Roman just never had that fear.

But one day, Roman got a message. It was from a follower named Immenslee_Ticklish. Now Roman recognized this user, as they often commented, liked, and reblogged alot of his works. They were great fans, and apparently very much lee themselves. And all of a sudden, after two whole years of following Roman, they decide to message him.

Interesting.

But Roman ultimately decided to keep quiet about his suspicions because if Virgil wasn’t saying anything, then he didn’t want Roman to know. And Roman respected that. Even if he really wanted to tickle him.

Turns out he didn’t have to wait much longer.

Virgil had practiced it for weeks. He knew exactly what to say, and how he was going to say it. But that all flew out the window as he stared at Roman.

“Virgil, buddy, you’ve been staring at me for three minutes now,” commented Roman, raising an eyebrow at the man in question. “You came to tell me something.” Virgil inhaled deeply and tried to speak, but the words got caught in his throat. Roman gave him a sympathetic look. “Hey, it’s okay. No need to be scared.” Virgil just stared at him. Roman’s heart broke for this kid, who was obviously scared out of his mind. “I promise I’m not going to be upset, or judge you, or do whatever your pretty little head is thinking might happen.

“I’mImenseleeTicklish!” he spat out suddenly. Roman jumped in surprise, but as soon as it hit him, he grinned.

“Oh, are you now?” he hummed, a sly smile watching the flustered boy with great amusement.

“Wait, no, I meant like the username. I’m the user Immenslee_Ticklish. I didn’t mean it like I’m immensely ticklish, well, I might be, but-“

Roman’s amused look caused him to stop talking. “So, yes?”

Virgil nodded. “I’m, uh, I’m a lee. Yeah.” The two of them stared at each other, neither one breaking the deafening silence or the intense eye contact.

“Well that’s very valuable information,” Roman stated calmly, being the first to speak, and before walking away and into the kitchen.

Wait?! Before walking away?!

Virgil’s mouth dropped open as he watched Roman walk off. “Wait!” he called indignantly. Roman paused, smirking away from Virgil.

“Yes?”

Virgil just stared for a minute, waving his arms dramatically as if it would help him speak. “Aren’t you going to, um, do something?”

Roman turned around to face him, as Virgil paled at seeing Roman smile darkly at him. “Like what?”

Realization hit him like a truck, and Virgil gaped in absolute horror. He was going to make him ask, wasn’t he? Oh, this was mean. So, so, so mean.

But at this point the lee mood was so bad that his dignity was going to have to leave him.

“I- were you, um,” he covered his face with his hands. “Were you gonna tickle me?”

He could hear Roman’s evil grin. “Do you want me to?”

“Um, yes. Please.” He swallowed harshly.

Roman clapped. “Why look at those manners!” he praised, gleaming at the whining boy in the living room. “I would love to. But to be clear, what exactly do you want to happen?”

“W-What do you mean?” Virgil asked, peeking from behind his hands.

“Tell me exactly what you want for me to do. In explicit detail, or I won’t do any of it,” cooed Roman.

“You’re so mean,” Virgil whined into his hands again. Roman laughed at his expense.

“I’m waiting~”

Virgil glared at him through his hands. “I want you to wreck me and tease me and destroy my resolve, and I want you to do it now! Please.” He added, lest he be made to repeat his request in a more polite manner. Roman reeled back, a tad surprised at the direct request.

“Well, good for you. I’d be happy to,” he nodded, impressed. “Very well. Meet me in your room in ten minutes~” he teased with a wink.

After he left, Virgil let it sink in. He was about to be ruthlessly teased and broken by his ler idol in ten minutes.

Oh he was going to die.

Virgil’s heart thudded out of his chest as he stared up at the malicious coy smile leaning over him. He had never been so excited yet so terrified in his life. “So, darling,” cooed his captor. “Shall we begin your destruction?” Roman’s voice lowered significantly into a husky tone that sent shivers down Virgil’s spine. He tugged on his restraints, waves of excitement and panic flooding his body, and feeding his lee mood from before. He had waited years. Years and years and years for this day. To be in this position, and about to get wrecked into oblivion. He had no idea what Roman was going to do, but he was excitedly terrified.

Roman took a single finger and began aimlessly swirling around Virgil’s belly, going in zigzag patterns, curlicues, and idle shapes while he rested his head on Virgil’s chest. Virgil’s breath hitched, the gentle touches not quite tickling, but was setting an amazing precedent for what was about to take place. Roman let out a deep breath, purposely aiming it for Virgil’s neck, rewarding him with a satisfying squeal as the man scrunched up his shoulders as much as he could.

“I have a dilemma, Virgil,” sighed Roman melodramatically. “I feel like, since you’ve waited all this time for some expert ler to completely wreck you, destroy you, and undo your very resolve, that you ought to have a good experience, hm?” he commented, glancing up to look at Virgil’s wobbly smile. “I mean you’ve been so patient! It’d feel criminal to deprive you of the best possible experience. Don’t you agree?” He paused, waiting for a reply while still mindlessly twisting his finger on the pale expanse of skin, but all Virgil did was squeak softly in embarrassment.

Suddenly, Roman snapped his fingers, causing Virgil to flinch slightly. “I’ve got it!” he announced, smiling darkly. “Let’s let you choose.”

Virgil’s eyes widened in pure horror. “What?”

“Why choose your own teases, of course! Who better knows exactly how to tease and fluster you, and turn you into a giggling blushy pile of goo then yourself?” Roman enunciated his point with a few teasing pokes to his chest. Virgil squirmed in an attempt to get the pokes to hit his stomach but he had no such luck. “So, Giggles, you want to try it?”

Virgil bit his lip and bounced his legs anxiously. “No!” he whined, his wobbly smile growing by the minute.

Roman grinned. “No? But it’s like a choose your own adventure! You choose your own teases and tools! Won’t that be fun?” Virgil shook his head violently. Roman mock pouted. “But I think it will be fun!”

Virgil made a strangled guttural sound in reply. “I-“

“Yes, dear,” he urged, resting his chin on Virgil’s chest once again.

Virgil sighed and closed his eyes in frustration. “I-I can’t tease,” he mumbled under his breath.

“What was that?”

“I can’t tease!” he repeated, only slightly louder this time. Fortunately, Roman heard him.

“Oh well, that’s not a problem, silly. You aren’t saying the teases. I am!” he replied with a smirk. Virgil peaked one eye open.

“But I thought you said-“

“Oh, I know what I said,” he answered, cutting Virgil off. “No, I already know what teases you chose. You don’t have to say a word.” To Virgil's confusion, he pulled out his phone. It wasn’t until Roman started scrolling and grinning that Virgil’s eyes widened in panicked realization.

“No, no, no, NO!” Virgil called out, bouncing in anticipation. He tried lunging for the phone but his bonds held him back.

Roman pretended not to hear him. “Hm, let’s see. Posts, then notes, then-“ Roman grinned up at Virgil. “Ah yes, reblogged by Immenselee_ticklish! Oh, look there’s a comment too!”

“No! No, don’t read the comment!”

“It says, ‘Ahhhh!! Oh gosh, I’m blushing so hard!!’ Hold up.” Roman turned to look up at Virgil who was fire engine red. He smirked. “Would you look at that. Anyway, it continues to say, ‘I would die if anyone said this to me!’ And then there’s a blushing face.”

He smirked again as he faced Virgil. “So, would you say you’ve died?” Virgil whined longingly. Roman nodded while looking back at his phone. “I’d say yes.”

Roman continued to scroll only for his eyes to light up in delight. “Oh looky here!” Virgil slammed his eyes shut, not daring to.

“No, no, no, no.”

“Virgil look! It’s a gif! Oh wow.”

Oh yeah. Virgil definitely wasn’t going to look. He was strong, he was resilient, and nothing could break him!

“Aww and they’re getting their bellybutton tickled! Isn’t that your most favorite spot in the whole wide world?”

Um, yeah. It was easy, mind over matter. He wouldn’t look. Easy.

“Hey! And it’s your best friend! Mr. Toothbrush!”

Yeah, he... What was he saying?

“Roman, please,” he begged, eyes still clamped shut. The endless teases were killing him. His ever present lee mood had grown into a ravenous monster that he thought would never be satiated. His body screamed for tickles. It was more than a want, or even a craving. It was a need at this point. And Roman knew that and it only fueled his evil ler facade all the more.

“Aw, poor baby. Don’t worry, we’ll start soon,” he cooed.

Roman made Virgil lie there, flustered and helpless, and oh so terribly lee, and wait as he read out tease after tease that Virgil reblogged from his Tumblr, and even read the comments from the lee himself. Virgil wished with every second of every minute spent lying on that bed he had never made that Tumblr account.

After ten or so teases, Roman finally, mercifully, put the phone away. Virgil sighed in relief. Finally! He was going to be tickled to his limits, then past them, then have them pushed even further. He didn’t just want to be broken. He didn’t just want to be destroyed. No, he wanted so much more.

Roman marched up to the table and placed both hands on Virgil’s thighs. “So, a little birdie told me you like baby talk,” he teased. Virgil blushed, which Roman took for a yes. “So would a, oh I don’t know, little kitchy, kitchy, coo would get you all flustered, hm? A little-“ his voice dropped an octave. “Tickle, tickle, tickle~” his face morphed to a maniacal grin.

Virgil's face turned crimson as he wiggled around on the table. “Noho!” He barked out a laugh. Roman raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“No? Hmm. What about nursery rhymes, huh? You sure liked the ones I sang to you earlier this month! Do you want to hear some of those? ‘Cause I got some good ones~” Roman whipped out a feather seemingly out of nowhere and waved it teasingly in front of Virgil’s nose. Virgil yelped at the sensation.

“I have a little feather,” sang out Roman, his voice rising and falling with the feather. “His name is Tiny Tim. I used him on my lee, to see if he would grin.” He winked at Virgil who just blushed deeper. “I drank up all the laughter, it made him buck and squeal, and now he’s nice and flustered,” Another wink. “His smile is so real.”

Virgil was already softly giggling at the song, and it only encouraged Roman to keep going. “You got a little giggle button, right? I have another fun song, just. for. him!” he cheered, punctuating each word with a poke to his bellybutton, making Virgil squeal each time.

He took the feather and ran it in a large teasy circle all around the vast expanse of vulnerable tummy. “Ring around the belly, a button full of jelly,” he heard Virgil snort when the feathers hit a particular spot on his waistline. “-tickle, tickle, they all fall down!” Roman ended the verse with several flicks of the fluffy feather to Virgil’s bellybutton, causing him to buck and laugh, but it was still technically soft tickles. Virgil didn’t want soft tickles right now.

“Rohohoho,” he whined through the giggles. Roman ignored him.

“Let’s see. Oh, here’s another favorite of mine!” He cleared his throat and lifted the feather again. “Oh head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes! Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes~” He ran the feather all over the respective places, and it didn’t tickle much, but Roman’s plan was working. Virgil was getting more and more flustered, and more and more ticklish.

“Oh feet, tummies, arms and chins, arms and chins. Feet, tummies, arms and chins, arms and chins~” Roman watched in glee as Virgil’s face turned darker and darker with each song, and how even though the tickling was so light, his giggles were still sharp.

All of a sudden, with zero warning, Roman ditched the feather and attacked Virgil’s tummy with all ten fingers. “Oh, she’ll be tickling Virgil senseless when she comes! She’ll be tickling Virgil senseless when she comes-“ Virgil fell into deep belly laughter as he thrashed and pulled desperately. “She’ll be tickling Virgil senseless, she’ll be tickling Virgil senseless, she’ll be tickling Virgil senseless when she comes!”

Virgil had never felt more embarrassed in his life, but that made the tickling so much more fun. After two more verses, Roman stopped. Virgil whined again at the loss of contact.

Roman chuckled. “You really are a hopeless lee, aren’t you?”

Virgil scrunched his nose. “Shut up.”

Roman’s eyebrows raised in an accusatory way. “Do you want to say that again?”

“What? Shut up?” snarked Virgil, trying to wind him up to get wrecked and forced to apologize, but unfortunately, Roman saw right through his plan.

“Wow. You really are desperate. Stooping so low as to provoke me to lash out and wreck you right this minute?” Roman tisked lightly. “Imagine! You honestly think that I’m going to fall for the oldest trick in the book? I hate to break it to you, Stormcloud, but I’m far more experienced than you think I am,” he added, shaking his head in disapproval. “I ought to make you wait longer just for that.”

Virgil gasped and shook his head desperately. “No, no, please no! I’m sorry!”

Roman shook his head again. “Poor little lee. So desperate you’ve lost your dignity. Here you are, begging like this for me to so horribly wreck you until you can’t even remember your own name.” Despite his words of disapproval, he smiled. “Oh course, I don’t blame you. I am very talented so I understand your eagerness. For that reason, I will grant mercy and not punish you for your lousy attempts at brattiness.”

Virgil let out the biggest sigh of relief imaginable. At last! He was going to be wrecked!

“But I still have one more game before we start.”

Virgil threw his head back onto the bed with such a force it almost hurt. “Oh my gosh, Roman please,” he begged, whining at a new frequency.

Roman sighed. “One more! You can do it. I have to make sure your ticklish little body is at optimal sensitivity! So, here’s an easy game to finish you off.” He walked around to the side of the bed. “Just gotta warm you up,” he winked before wiggling his fingers menacingly above Virgil. Virgil asked, and sucked in his stomach, but Roman simply drew in closer. The fingers were so tantalizingly close to the tickle spot, and Virgil swore he felt them already. And in his mind, he pleaded and begged with Roman to hurry up and get on with it already, but on the outside he was completely stunned into silence.

Until Roman did a fake out.

Roman launched his wiggling fingers at Virgil full speed without any sort of warning, and Virgil lost it. He laughed, he snorted, he cackled, and he squealed. He jerked and thrashed all over his limited free space for a whole minute until he realized. Roman’s hands were behind his back, as he watched Virgil with the most evil look you could imagine.

“You're awful!” screeched Virgil, both mortified by his own reaction, and furious at Roman’s trick. Roman laughed out loud.

“Hmm, okay, okay. I’ll wreck you now. Besides, I can’t just keep you here, endlessly teasing and torturing you forever?” He paused with a smirk. “Actually-“

“Roman!” Virgil cried out, laughing in both frustration at his lee mood, and anticipation from what was coming.

Roman laughed at his panic. “I’m just kidding, jeez. You poor lee. Alright, I’ll wreck you, on the one condition you tell me your worst spots.”

Virgil’s eyes turned to saucers. “I-what?”

“You heard me! Give me those death spots or else no tickles~” he sang, thinking the nerves were from his tease.

But strangely, Virgil turned more bashful, rather than flustered. It was almost a sheepish look on his face that replaced the embarrassment. That certainly got Roman’s attention.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing in slight concern. Virgil scrunched his face up and looked down.

“I-I well, I don’t know what my worst spots are,” he replied with a shy smile.

Roman was confused for about two seconds before it dawned on him. “You-“ he stared in utter wonderment. “You‘ve never tickled before, have you?”

Virgil’s face flushed under the attention. “Well, yeah, no not really,” he mumbled sheepishly.

Oh, this was a game changer. Roman beamed. “You mean to tell me, I’m your first time?” Virgil smiled again, and nodded hesitantly. Roman had never been so excited in his life. “Well then, I guess we have work to do!” he commented, a wicked grin and a twinkle shining in his eye.

Roman turned and walked down to the end of the bed, clicking his tongue as he examined the body in front of him. “I suppose the best thing to do would be to either go bottom to top, or top to bottom.” He tilted his head up at Virgil while smiling. “Would you by any chance have a preference?”

Virgil huffed. “I guess, I don’t know. Bottom to top?” he suggested, more or so not caring as he really just wanted to be wrecked already. Roman clapped.

“Perfect! That means I get to play with your cute little feet!” he cheered. Virgil blushed. Roman held tight of the right foot’s ankle and took the same pointer finger and carefully slid it from the tippy top of the toes all the way down to the heel. Virgil immediately started his giggles anew, wiggling his upper body at the light touches. “Oh good! It seems you’re ticklish here! What else can we try?”

Roman soon added the other four fingers into the fray and began ruthlessly scratching up and down and all around the soft tender arches, making Virgil snort and fall into deeper laughter at the feeling. He tickled all around the foot, being very thorough and detailed in his methods, making sure not one inch of ticklish skin was left unscathed. Then, without warning, he moved up to the toes. He wiggled each little toe and scolded them if they curled up. Eventually, he pulled them back and gave them a good scratching underneath as punishment for their misbehavior. Virgil thrashed like nobody’s business, finally getting exactly what he wanted, and it was so much better then he had ever thought. And he certainly didn’t complain when Roman informed him that his other foot was getting left out, and needed the same tickly treatment.

After both feet were thoroughly assaulted (Roman may have had to go back to the right foot again, it seemed to be getting lonely), he spidered his fingers all the way up to Virgil’s knees. Virgil smiled in anticipation, bouncing his leg as he waited.

“Ah yes, the knees. Such an underrated tickle spot! Very few people think about the knees being so terribly ticklish, but they can be! It all starts with this little pressure point, riiiight here.” Roman began rapidly wheezing the muscle right above Virgil knee, making him fall into deep laughter. “Oh wonderful!” shouted Roman above the loud laughter. “It seems as if your knees are just as horridly sensitive as I thought!” His squeezing fingers quickly switched to spidering ones, and darted right on the underneath of his knees, sending Virgil snorting.

Roman awed at the adorable sounds. “Aww, aren’t you just the cutest little thing? Are my tickly, tickly tickles making you giggle, hm?” he cooed, relishing in the deep red color that was Virgil’s face and the tiny snorts mixed in with the hysterical giggles.

“Nohohohoho!” Virgil giggled out, trying to kick his legs but the restraints keeping every inch of ticklish skin in place.

“No?” questioned Roman. “Well, that’s a shame! Why don’t we try something else then,” he pondered and immediately grabbed the young man’s thighs, squeezing sporadically and rapidly every area of muscle. Virgil’s eyes bulged out as he flung himself to sit up right and cackle.

Roman’s eyes lit up with mischief at the extremity of Virgil’s reaction. “Oh, what's this? Does this tickle? Are you ticklish here?” he asked, the teasing lilt in his voice making the ruthless squeezing at his thighs all the worse. Virgil fell back on to the bed to wheeze with laughter when Roman moved up closer to his hips. “Virgil!” scolded Roman. “Hello! I’m talking to you! Does this tickle?” he asked again, not for one second stopping the wretched attack on the loathsomely sensitive muscle.

When Virgil still didn’t reply, Roman felt a spike of worry, and slowed his squeezing fingers just a little. Virgil’s wheezy laughter died down, until it was more or less hysterical giggles.

“Yes!” Virgil called out. Roman was confused for a minute until he remembered the question he had asked a few minutes earlier. He took his hands off his legs, leaving Virgil limp and giggly.

“Oh good! See I guessed it did, but I was just checking,” he winked. “Congratulations, Virgil. I think you might have your first death spot.”

Virgil weakly held up a thumbs up, his giddy smile bright enough to blind someone. Roman smiled at him softly. “How about we take a break?” So he sat next to Virgil on the bed, gently rubbing his shin comfortingly, waiting for Virgil to regain all the breath he’d lost until finally-

“Um, I think I’m ready to go again,” piped up the younger man. Roman grinned.

“You sure?” Virgil nodded eagerly. Roman leaned next to Virgil’s ear, making him squeak. Oh he’d have to remember that.

“Well then,” he purred, his voice sending shivers down Virgil’s spine. “Allow me to continue your destruction.” He peered down the bed where Virgil was stretched out, and examined it carefully like a puzzle. He walked down the side to the right of his hips. “Now if my memory serves me, correct me-” Roman began, but Virgil barked out a laugh. Roman glared at him. “What?”

“Dude, what did you say?” he asked, laughing again. Roman crossed his arms.

“If my memory serves me, correct me. It’s a saying!” Virgil burst out laughing again. “What?!”

“The saying is, ‘If my memory serves me, correctly,’ not correct me,” he teased, still laughing at Roman’s miss interpretation.

“Okay, yeah, laugh it up, Virgil,” he retorted, immediately squeezing his right thigh again. Promptly the teasing man burst into laughter at the feeling, and proceeded to howl on the bed. “Don’t correct me again!” he playfully scolded before ceasing the tickling.

Roman crawled up on the bed in between Virgil legs in hopes of being able to navigate better. “Now, I say we try hips next. Some people overlook it, but they look wonderfully ticklish to me~” he sang, already the tone giving Virgil the giggles. Roman grinned at the pink color once again rising to his cheeks. “Aww, does mentioning the tickly tickles making you a little neeeervous?” he sang again, whilst skimming the skin of his waist and pant line. Virgil’s giggles greatly increased from both the tickling and the teasing alike, as he began wiggling around in the bed.

Roman’s scratching fingers followed the wiggly hips with great ease, smiling in adoration as he listened to the sweet soft giggles come from his captive. “You’re adorable,” he commented without really thinking.

“Nuhnuhnuhuhu uhuhuhuh!” the giggling man protested, yet his denial only further proved Roman’s point.

“Yeah huh!” argued Roman. “Alright enough softness, I want to watch you scream.” He put on his best evil ler face as he watched Virgil turn a bright crimson at the threat.

Roman crawled up further until he was practically sitting on Virgil’s hips. “So, let’s test the waters for what are the vast expanse that is Virgil’s tickle spots, shall we?” Virgil pulled up his legs out of reflex, but they were blocked by Roman’s back. He whined.

“Oh, whatever is the matter, dear?” he cooed, leaning in so close Virgil could feel his breath on his neck and ear. The man made a strangled noise in reply. “I’m sorry, darling, I don’t speak lee. Would you mind rephrasing your statement?”

Virgil just shut his eyes, trying to smother the wobbly grin that was slowly creeping up onto his face. Roman took that as a sign to continue.

He spidered his fingers up to Virgil’s sides, and kept them there, smiling as Virgil shuffled all over the bed in anticipation. “Gohohoho ohohohon, alreheheady!” he giggled out.

“Is that anyway to ask for something?” Roman playfully scolded moments before digging into the boy’s sides. Virgil bucked and burst into giggles, thrashing and pulling. Roman didn’t stop for even a second, mercilessly tickling, squeezing and scratching all over the sides and even migrating to the soft skin of the belly. Virgil was in proper hysterics and was loving every minute of it.

“Aww, aren’t you just the cutest thing! What? What’s the matter? Are you ticklish?” Roman teased, digging into the lower belly. Virgil squealed, and fell into even deeper laughter as Roman took to blowing raspberry after raspberry onto Virgil’s poor ticklish tummy. Virgil was in tickly heaven, for sure, but he still hadn’t been broken yet. And that was fine, but his growing hunger still hadn’t been filled, and he couldn’t help but wish deep down that there was somewhere to truly make him scream. He contemplated asking Roman to go for his thighs again.

But then.

As Roman paused the tickling on his sides and began to feel around, something happened.

Virgil could only possibly describe it as maybe a jolt of euphoric electricity that shocked him into the pit of his stomach. Something that found the roaring lion that was his lee mood and slapped it in the face. Something that sent shivers to his spine and butterflies to his stomach. Something that made him shriek at the mere feeling of Roman’s presence. If Roman’s dastardly laughter upon finding the spot was any indication, Virgil was screwed.

“Well, looky here,” he noted, looking up at Virgil with a gleam in his eye, further confirming the reality that Virgil was about to experience. “It seems we’ve found something.”

Roman tested the spot again: a rib, nestled warmly in between a tiny layer of fat, and the beginning of his armpit. He sharply poked the rib, eliciting a similar shriek as before. Virgil’s eyes grew like saucers as he fought with his own mind on how he felt. Was he terrified? Was the overwhelming amount of ticklish sensations about to course through his body like an electric current terrifying? Or was he excited? That after all these years of begging and pleading for someone to come into his life and do this very thing to him?

Virgil didn’t have time to decide, as Roman promptly dug in.

Virgil said he wanted to scream, and scream he did. His body was too overwhelmed to even thrash at this point, no, it merely fell limp and took every bit of torture Roman was giving to it. Roman took his pointer finger and thumb, making them into a claw motion, and pinching all over the bone. He pinched up and down, left to right, and repeated the sequence, soaking in every plea and beg and cry from Virgil. He wiggled in between the bone, and even took to scratching the armpits as well. Virgil was happily losing his mind. But it wasn’t over.

No, because out of nowhere, Roman pulled from under the bed a bottle of oil, and immediately began pouring it into his hands. Virgil greedily sucked in the oxygen as he waited for Roman to start again. His eyes followed him, watching Roman complete his moves with an eagerness about him. He was ready.

Virgil only had to wait a minute longer before Roman took his sweet time, slowly covering every inch of both armpits in the slippery liquid, purposely sliding his fingers and nails in such a way to make Virgil start to laugh. And then with both hands, he dug in again.

Oh, if he thought it was bad before, no, this was true torture. The oil made the fingers glide pristinely on the sensitive skin, and thereby ticking seemingly everywhere at once. Roman still concentrated on squeezing both top rib bones on either side at the same time, while allowing the nails to scratch along the armpits and other ribs as he did it.

And Virgil screamed. He screamed and screamed louder than he had ever before. He couldn’t even be concerned at the fact they were living in an apartment, and if they neighbors would be worried. Virgil screeched at the top of his lungs, his voice no longer even saying words or please at this point, just pure unshackled ecstasy in waves unmeasurable. He screamed and laughed his voice hoarse, kicking and tugging in desperation to escape the torture he was being subjected to.

“So,” commented Roman nonchalantly, yet very loudly to be heard over the booming laughter. “I was wondering if you could give me a quick performance review. You know, it is my first time and all.”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-“

“Okay, so that’s not too bad. Anything else?”

Virgil silently screamed as he felt Roman vibrate his fingers into both bones once more.

“Oh good! Well, I appreciate your input, thank you.”

Virgil was loving every solitary second of this, after all, this is what he had wanted. He wanted exactly this. But, unfortunately, he needed to breathe. So he called out.

“YEL-“ he stopped mid screech, his own laughter cutting him off. Roman stopped immediately.

“Was that yellow?” he asked, face contorting with worry. Virgil didn’t answer at first, only focused on taking in as much oxygen as he could get.

“Yeheheah,” he replied, the leftover giggles still dying out.

Roman’s evil ler face melted as a fond one replaced it. “Wow, I’m impressed. That’s definitely your death spot, and you only called out yellow. I could never last as long as you did,” he marveled.

Even with as winded as Virgil was, he was still trying to tease back. “Oho, so you have a death spot, then?” he teased with a smirk. Roman blushed.

“Oh shut up. Just so you know, you still technically haven’t called red yet,” he retorted cockily. Virgil nodded before laying his head down for a minute to rest. “Do you want water?” Roman asked him.

Virgil shook his head. “No, I’m almost done. I’d rather not get up then get back down.” His insatiable lee mood was shrinking drastically. But, there was one more thing he wanted. “So, um,” he looked up at Roman sheepishly. “Can I do a request?”

Roman smiled fondly. “Of course. This is your session after all.”

Virgil fidgeted as much as he could despite his hands being tied. “So, I kind of have a favorite spot. Like, after you tickled me. I realized I might have a favorite.”

Roman’s heart practically burst on the spot. “Oh yeah? Let me hear it.”

Virgil wrinkled his nose in embarrassment, and stayed quiet for a minute. Roman chuckled. “Come on little lee, I can’t help you out if you don’t ask,” he cooed, gently spidering his fingers on the tops of his feet, making him let out a quick giggle at the touch.

“Ohohokay, okay. Um,” he looked away bashfully. “Can you go back to, back to my stomach? You, you can tease. Too. If you want, or whatever,” he added quickly, still refusing to look Roman in the eye. Roman beamed.

“Why, I would love to.”

Roman sat down next to Virgil, and actually undid his cuffs, much to Virgil’s surprise. “Alright, now keep your arms up,” he whispered, sending a pink flush to his cheeks.

“W-what?” he giggled shyly. Roman poked his tummy.

“You heard me. You gotta keep them up aaaaall by yourself.”

Virgil giggled again, and cautiously raised his arms above his head and gripped the headboard. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Roman nodded with a smile and began lightly skittering his fingernails all over Virgil’s quivering tummy. Virgil immediately burst into soft, sweet giggles, the ones he could probably stop if he tried, but definitely didn’t want to, and rocked back and forth onto the bed. Roman kept the fingers teasing his sides gently, then lifted up his shirt slightly and started peppering cute little kisses all over the pale skin. Virgil squealed lightly and giggled slightly harder at the wonderfully maddening feeling, drinking in every bit of feeling he could.

Finally after about ten minutes, Virgil slowly lowered his arms from the headboard and Roman stopped. Overwhelming exhausted overcame him like an ocean and he yawned. “Thank you, Roman. This was the best day of my life.” Roman smiled at the compliment.

“Why I’m so happy it was, Virgil. We will certainly do it again.” He stood up to leave, but Virgil grabbed his arm.

“Stay with me?” he asked, pulling on his arm like a child. Roman chuckled.

“Of course.”

And the two of them napped together, each so peaceful and happy in that they found each other, and waking up wondering if it was all just a dream.

#tickle fic #pineapple anon #pineapple writing #pineapple fics #sanders sides tickling #lee!virgil #ler!roman #ticklish!virgil #sanders sides #virgil sanders #roman sanders #prinxiety #platonic prinxiety

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whaq · 3 years

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Fuck You, Animu (2/4) - Re:Zero Episode 1

With non-stop suspense, compelling characterization, and hints at a greater narrative, Re:Zero’s first episode is sure to keep you coming back to the series over, and over, and over, and ove…

Based on a series of light novels, written by Tappei Nagatsuki and illustrated by Shin'ichirō Ōtsuka, Studio White Fox (Goblin Slayer)’s Re:Zero - Starting Life in Another World is a new contender for the crown of the eponymous isekai (Another World) genre that has recently taken over the anime industry. Is Re:Zero the breath of fresh air the anime community needed to restart the trend of otaku running into oncoming traffic in an attempt to be reborn? Or just another run-of-the-mill zero in this already saturated market?

The series follows Natsuki Subaru, a hikikomori (shut-in) who finds himself suddenly transported into a fantasy world of swords and sorcery. Following in the footsteps of his fellow isekai protagonists, Subaru explores this whole new world with the help of his vast otaku knowledge. Unlike his isekai brethren, Subaru was seemingly transported with nothing more than a jumpsuit,a bag of convenience store goodies, and a surprisingly good physique, for someone who doesn’t leave the house. When he encounters danger in this new domain, he is saved by a white-haired, half-elf, mage whose kindness sparks inspiration in our hero’s eyes. The story continues as Subaru trial-and-error’s his way through this new land, using a new ability he doesn’t quite comprehend, all for the affections of a lady he eventually gets to know as Emilia.

As series openers go, Re:Zero’s first episode serves as a masterclass in how to introduce, not just a story, but its main players too. From the episode’s cold open, you’re immediately pulled to the edge of your seat as we’re given glimpses of the aftermath of a struggle and hear the last words of a man at the edge of his life. Unbeknownst to us, this scene is intercut with shots of this man, who we later find out to be our protagonist, merely living his life as he peruses the aisles of a convenience store. The show’s director, Masahiro Watanabe, of whom this series serves as his directorial debut, flexes his comprehension of cinematic storytelling by utilizing not-so-subtle visuals to convey exactly who Natsuki Subaru is and what kind of life he lives. In a single minute, we see Subaru read manga, cringe at the sight of a couple, and sulk over his life (or lack thereof), showing us exactly how much of a loser our “hero” is.

The character of Natsuki Subaru is, following the conventions of the genre, an audience insert. He’s a down-on-his-luck otaku whose backstory is practically non-existent to make it easier for the viewer to see themselves in his shoes. That said, unlike his contemporaries like Kazuma of Konosuba fame, Re:Zero does not shy away from the darker side of otaku. While the rest of the series hammers this concept home, the first nail in the coffin of this generic archetype is already set from the start. Upon his arrival, Subaru is faced with his first dilemma in the new world: a child who’s about to be hit by a carriage. You’d expect our dashing hero to well... dash in to save him, right? Not Subaru! He instead contemplates on how his grand entrance into the new world should go first before finally deciding to actually try and help. While it might seem like an off-hand gag meant to get a cheap laugh, this self-centered aspect of our protagonist permeates throughout the rest of his journey.

Upon entering this new world, the show greets us with one of its many iconic audio cues: an angelic gasp from the song Rondo of Love and Darkness. The series’ soundtrack is one of its best aspects. Composer Kenechiro Suehiro, who went on to compose the serene yet atmospheric music of Girls Last Tour, was tasked by Director Watanabe to utilize human voices in its tracks, which he uses to great effect. The music is filled with these ominously chilling chants that sound as if they were straight from a circle of Hell. This is heard in the likes of the aforementioned Rondo, and in the show’s ever-meme’d Call of the Witch that trails every pivotal moment in the anime.

Subaru is suddenly mugged by the city’s under dwellers. It’s during this scene that one of the show’s issues arises. Re:Zero has been praised for its subversion of the genre. While this is accurate at times, like how Subaru’s entrance into another world comes in the form of a blink instead of a glomp from truck-kun like his contemporaries, the show seems to think that acknowledging overused genre tropes gives them an excuse to use overused genre tropes. When Subaru sees a girl in the distance while he gets pummeled on, he hopes and prays for her to be the female savior he sees in manga; this hope is immediately dashed when this girl, Felt, turns out to be a thief and completely runs past our groveling protagonist. This, in and of itself, is hilarious and subverts what we the audience expect from this cliche. But then this gag is immediately followed by the entrance of an actual female savior, completely abusing the trust we put into the show to not be like the other isekai.

But all these technical issues are merely second to Re:Zero’s main strength: its premise. Subaru’s first day involves him helping his savior find a lost item of hers and this leads them to a tavern where he finds a pile of blood and corpses, of which he becomes part of as he’s killed by someone off-screen. The show finally gives us context to the cold open when we see that the people gasping for life in the beginning of the episode were Subaru and Emilia. Giving neither Subaru nor the audience time to breathe, we’re immediately taken back to Subaru’s first interaction with a citizen earlier in the episode. Before our protagonist is able to process what has happened, we’re already introduced to the show’s main mechanic: Return after Death.

Return gives the show a constant sense of suspense. Both the viewer and Subaru are having to work with limited knowledge of the situation that can only be broadened after literally dying, making Subaru’s mantra “what DOES kill you MIGHT make you stronger.” Each of Subaru’s retries unearth, not only new information, but also new character interactions. The show’s main appeal is how each of the character dynamics change when Subaru is given new knowledge about them while said character remains stagnant from the last run. When your main protagonist’s only ability is an unlimited set of checkpoints, he has to rely on his adaptability and resourcefulness which does a good job of keeping conflicts in the show real and real exciting.

In contrast to Return being the highlight of Re:Zero, there are many parts of the episode that are barely worth mentioning. The voice acting feels like nothing special. While Yusuke Kobayashi and Rie Takashi, who play Subaru and Emilia respectively, seem to be good voice actors, they aren’t given much room to showcase their talents as most of the dialogue in the first episode is limited to world-explaining exposition. The animation was also just passable. While the few fight scenes in the episode were clearly animated, there truly is nothing to write home about with regards to the way things are drawn. There’s even the obvious use of CGI for background elements that feels so jarring to look at. Lastly, while most other critics praise the show for its creative world, the first episode doesn’t do it any favors. We’re shown lizard people, generic magic spells, and just another medieval-ish setting along with the same NPC-like side characters you know from RPGs.

Re:Zero’s opening episode is a thrill from beginning-to-end. Its musical score is top-notch, its cinematography is excellent, and the story, along with its subsequent gimmick, aims to set it apart from the rest of the isekai genre while still holding enough of its DNA to sit comfortably within said genre. Its pitfalls into both tropeyness and technical mediocrity are easily ignored by the oozing quality of the sum of its parts.

#re zero #anime #manga #review #anime review #re:zero #otaku #critic #critique #media criticism #emilia #subaru #rem #ram #I believe in Echidna supremacy

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sultrysirens · 4 years

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Story Time

Out of nowhere I decided to share a bit of my story as a fanfiction writer, starting with my original introduction into the profession. It’s going to be a long one, but hopefully, and inspiring one. Skip if you’re not interested.

NOTE: This includes spoilers for certain anime and fandoms. If you don’t know Dragonball Z or Inuyasha, specifically, you’ll be quite lost.

The Beginning

How everything started was just through surfing the net. Back then my interest was Dragonball Z. I was 14. I had only had the internet for a few months, so everything about it was new. This was 20 years ago, now, back in 2000. I used Yahoo! for all my searches. Google had not yet been born. Fanfiction.net was the main hub where all these amazing stories were birthed, and yet at this point I had not yet found it.

What I found, first, was a fanfiction writer who had a website. Geocities, I believe. I can’t recall how I found it, exactly, except that I had only just learned about Bulma and Vegeta getting together and thought they were an amazing couple. I looked up art, and it led me to this site. I can’t recall the site’s name anymore, but I remember the tagline for it was something like, “Bulma and Vegeta’s Cove.”

One thing I can distinctly recall is a small gif in one corner of the main page, displaying a chibi Vegeta with a microphone in one hand, going between 2 or 3 singing poses. It was cute.

This site was coded in such a way that it linked directly to fanfiction.net, displaying the owner’s many, many, many fanfictions in an embedded window. The stories were largely explicit, included sex and, in a few stories, rape, all of them AUs from all the rest. But each had a singular goal: Bulma and Vegeta’s romance, how they ended up getting together.

Some of the stories I remember very clearly. Others have faded. Some were modern AUs, one included dimension-hopping via a magical device Bulma created and recharged every 24 hours (sound familiar, anyone?), and some were painfully OOC but in very sweet ways.

I devoured these stories. There must have been two dozen, with most of them multi-chapter works. And, eventually, I started to notice the format with these stories, how it seemed to be a miniature explorer window within the website. Eventually, I clicked on the mini website and was given a full introduction to fanfiction.net and its massive breadth.

Back in those days, fanfiction.net (or FF.net, as it was usually called) allowed explicit content. And this I looked for very directly. I enjoyed the “lemons” more than anything, easily reading the most ridiculous stories just for the porn therein.

Eventually, I figured it out. I understood fanfiction and what it meant. And though I’d only been using a computer for a few months, I started writing.

It was a painful process at first. Think back to your first months with a keyboard and how difficult it was to get used to the format, how to move your fingers. I had to stare directly at the keyboard to write anything and it was a pain, a slow-going endeavor of passion.

My first fanfictions were Dragonball Z, unsurprisingly. I made a few silly ones, a few serious ones, a few sexual ones. At 14, with no grasp of the anatomy of sex, I was writing porn, using the porn I’d already read as resources. I didn’t know what a clitoris was, but I knew ladies apparently went nuts when men tongued them, so that’s what I wrote.

Eventually I got my first hit: Temptation. It was a Bulma/Vegeta story. I don’t remember it very clearly, and this is probably for the best. The plot, as I recall, was Bulma getting sick and Vegeta having to be her nurse for a time. Eventually she got worse and worse, until she recognized why she was sick: she’d cut herself one night with a device that’d had a compound on it. I can’t recall what the compound was designed to do, but the short version is it made you feel weaker and sicker until you increased your physical activity to burn it out.

This led to wild sex. Like, very wild sex. For hours. My lack of experience evidently was not a consideration; I was given compliments by the dozens. I’d done good.

And now I was addicted.

The Second Hit

I was 16 now. We’d be moving out of my childhood home soon, but I didn’t know this yet. I’d been spending a lot of time with my sister, who was 26, and soaking up Adult Swim shows on her cable. Inuyasha was my new obsession, as well as a liberal amount of Trigun. I lived, slept, ate, and breathed these shows. My head was constantly alight with ideas, concepts, and desires. I wrote near-constantly.

Through this, I managed my second big hit: Transformations.

It’s been a long time, now, and I can’t recall the beginning as much as the ending. I think perhaps I called it something else at the start.

The premise was simple: Kagome, the main character, suddenly transforms into a half-demon, a hanyou, after a demon bites her in battle. I remember that initially I was just writing bullshit; I had no filter and didn’t edit or delete anything. What I wrote got posted verbatim. And, at first, it was cringe-worthy.

I can distinctly recall two things: first, Sesshomaru -- Inuyasha’s full-demon elder brother -- caught Kagome’s scent and investigated and had difficulty resisting her. She was a half-wolf demon, and he was attracted to that. Earlier she and Inuyasha were together in a cave, and her transformation had given her a tail -- which she didn’t like. She chased it, trying to catch it and rip it off.

That’s when the accusations started coming in.

Out of nowhere, and totally unexpectedly, I was getting a slew of comments accusing me of copying another popular fanfiction. I’d legitimately never heard of it, and I had to search it out. I remember reading the first chapter or two and feeling surprised; they were very similar, to the point where I couldn’t blame anyone for thinking I’d copied it.

This was a case of great minds thinking alike, or so I said at the time. I was amused more than anything, but it was clear the accusations weren’t going to stop. Eventually I deleted the story and started over. I’d learned a bit in those few chapters I’d posted and decided that I didn’t really want the events to unfold the way they had, so starting over sounded like a great idea.

And it was.

Now came Transformations as it remains today. The beginning is the same -- Kagome is bitten by a demon and transforms into a half-wolf demon -- but the events following take a different turn from the original.

It was a monster of a hit. I got multiple comments and reviews on every chapter, and I can remember doing this thing for a long time in which I threaten the readers at the end of each chapter with various weapons, only to have the weapon backfire somehow and hurt and/or kill me. The readers seemed to enjoy it, and soon they were suggesting new weapons for me to use.

I loved it.

Eventually the story ended at 64 chapter, but back then my chapters weren’t nearly as long as I write them now, and the final chapter was just a family tree of sorts leading the characters from Feudal Japan to modern day. It was a great, beautiful monster and I had drawn dozens of pictures to go along with it.

It was actually through this that I decided I needed a better place to post my art and thus discovered DeviantART.com. That’s been my main art gallery ever since, around 16 years now (I believe I created it in 2004, a year after I started the fic). If you go there and head all the way back to the first images I posted, you’ll find all of that art remaining even today.

It’s...pretty bad. X’D

But the story doesn’t end there. I wanted my fic to have a greater reach, so I started looking for more websites. I found MediaMiner.org, which was appealing because it hosted both written works and art. And once Transformation was finished, the story concluded, I found I couldn’t quite let it go.

So I did something I’ve not done since: I created an alternate ending.

Titled Changing Lives, this story picked up after chapter 28 of Transformations and went a different way. It treated the story of Transformations as just that: a story, written by Kagome, which Inuyasha read while she was gone one day. He was thunderstruck by it, given it so clearly screamed “I love you” and was full of romance -- and sex.

This led to them getting together, but soon thereafter, tragedy struck.

Kagome was kidnapped on her way home from school. By the time Inuyasha found her, she’d been gang-raped and discarded.

The story very deeply included time travel and revenge aspects from that point on, and I can also recall giving the character Miroku a reincarnation as a detective. He was put on the case, and with Inuyasha’s help, had all the men arrested -- there were seven of them.

Then they started dying.

Inuyasha wasn’t doing this, but he was happy to allow it to happen. The detective did his job per the law, trying to keep the criminals safe as they started dropping like flies. The killer left notes written on the cell walls in the criminal’s own blood, though I can’t quite recall the sequence anymore.

What I do remember is this: the first one read, “He touched her first.” The rest followed that sequence, killing the men in order -- second, third, fourth, etc. I remember one said “hurt her”, one said “made her cry”, and so on.

Eventually, the truth was discovered: Inuyasha was killing them, but not “young” Inuyasha. “Old” Inuyasha. The one who’d lived through the centuries. And his story was the most tragic of all.

In his time, Kagome had been raped and her rapists arrested, as normal. Then, years later, they were freed, having served their time, and immediately they tried to track her down. She was pregnant at the time with Inuyasha’s child. When she saw she was being chased, she jumped down the well back to his time, and the men followed her.

They traveled through time with her but had no idea. They killed her there, then climbed out, and Inuyasha arrived too late to help. But the men were there, confused and lost, and the blood of his wife and child were on them. He slaughtered them all.

But now the well had ceased functioning. He couldn’t return to her time. And, at first, he was just...sad. He mourned. Then, with time, he began to plan. For five centuries, he planned.

His plan was to keep Kagome from ever getting raped. Alas, he failed in this, so instead he decided to get pre-revenge and kill the men while they were imprisoned. He succeeded, but along the way grew...exhausted. By the time he murdered the last man, he had little will left to do so.

But he finished it. For her.

Then he showed himself to Kagome and Inuyasha, explaining what had happened. And he wished them well.

Changing Lives was significantly shorter than its predecessor, only 35 chapters, but I felt it was the better story, overall. I never made art for it, I don’t think, but it was more emotional.

To Present Day

I kept writing, on and off, ever since. Any time I got sufficiently involved in a story, my mind immediately began making my own stories for it. Movies, shows, video games; nothing remained untouched by my mind. I made stories for Labyrinth, Dragon Age, Trigun, Spyro, Jak & Daxter, Naruto...the list went on. I started posted on a third site, adultfanfiction.net (comprised specifically of explicit stories), and I started existing solely on my stories and the feedback I received from them.

I got better. And better. And better. I started looking back on my first stories, my first “hits”, and cringed at the horrendous grammar and articulation of my youth. But it was nostalgic as well, bringing back fond memories of writing on my home computer before we had internet and then rushing to my sister’s with a 3.5″ disc to post them via her internet.

I had a friend around this time, named Leila (Lee-lah), and drew and wrote together. We came up with original stories and though we never really posted them, we had so much fun it didn’t matter. Mostly we talked and drew together, and while I considered myself the better artist, I considered her far better at clothes designs.

Then...a dry spell. I went into college at age 20 and there I met my husband, Eric. He was 17 at the time. And he introduced me to so many more worlds than I’d known before, including the aforementioned Jak & Daxter series and the Sims 2.

Years passed. I still wrote from time to time, but it wasn’t such an obsession as it’d been before. If I had a good enough idea, I’d write it, but I tried to keep my things to oneshots. I posted many such stories on adultfanfiction.net, and I generally got positive reviews and ratings. In the meantime we were more addicted to World of Warcraft, us two and a few friends, and we played that often.

Eventually I slowed down. Time blurred together. I had a lot of good stories, but no major hits. Then came Megamind, and with it, an interesting idea that a lot of people took a liking to: Megamind as the indirect hero, and Metro Man as an abusive spouse of Roxanne. I titled it Bad to be Good, and it was an incredible story.

I started counting words with this one, only posting chapters when they reached around 6,000 words.

The story was a very serious one. It struck cords with a lot of readers, one in particular saying it helped her through some similar times with her abusive husband. We eventually became friends and remain to this day. (She since divorced him, so don’t worry about her. ♥)

Ultimately I never truly completed that story. I remember getting up to 12 chapters and then having difficulty figuring out how to proceed. I used to open the Word document from time to time, check what I’d written, and try to edit things or continue it, but it never really took. Eventually I abandoned it, but luckily the 12th chapter was a softer ending of sorts, so my readers were satisfied.

Then came the Marvel films and, with it, a resurgence in an activity I’d long since stopped participating: roleplaying.

The Crazy Train

It started simple enough. The Avengers just came out, and I was starting to see Facebook RPs popping up between the characters. Curious, I tried to find the pages in question but couldn’t locate them. I did, however, come to find out that there were dozens of pages dedicated to the main characters, alone, with dozens more popping up by the month.

Eventually I stepped in. I’d grown to love Loki’s character and subsequently found he had a canonical wife, Sigyn, but hadn’t found any pages for her. So I made one. Without checking with the other RPer, I just threw myself into a Loki page and, thankfully, that Loki accepted his “wife’s” presence.

We had fun. And our group steadily grew. A Thor, another Loki, and Odin, a Sleipnir, and a whole slew of original characters joined the ranks. I, too, began adding more pages to my roleplays, starting with Narfi and Vali -- Loki and Sigyn’s twin sons.

At the start, these two shared a page. Then, when it became increasingly obvious that people had their favorite of the two boys, I separated them. Funny enough, Vali started off as the clear favorite (he was flirty AF), but Narfi steadily became more so.

Their relationships grew. They both fell in love. They were both tricked by a succubus, giving each an unwanted child at different intervals. Narfi soon had a family of his own, as his lover had an adopted daughter and he was given a daughter of his own.

We spent years here, six or seven I think, just roleplaying with one another. Our group grew and shrank as people joined our circles or left it. There was drama in and out of the roleplay setting. Friendships were forged and abandoned. At one point a Thor page (titled Fatty Thor) targeted me for my roleplay choices and tried to get his followers to harass me. Eventually he left, deleting his page, and our RPs continued without him, never addressing his disappearance.

Then Ragnarok struck -- but not the film’s Rangarok. No, this was worse. We were impatient to have the event occur, me in large part because the mythology says that Vali slays Narfi during the sequence and I couldn’t wait to put all that pain into writing. But what really kicked this off was a friend’s page getting repeatedly deleted.

Sleipnir.

In this RP setting, Sleipnir was a fully intelligent horse capable of speech and even transforming for short periods of time into a humanoid form. He fell in love with a half-demon woman and they had a son together, a centaur named Grani. And then his page kept vanishing.

Initially, we believed the page was reported because there was a rape sequence between his character and the half-demon, though -- and this is imperative -- the two RPers had discussed this in detail before agreeing to the RP. A great deal of thought went into it before they started the roleplay.

And yet, Sleipnir’s page went down.

The RPer made a new one, and that too, went down a short time later. This was disheartening for her, and though we all did our best to help, even creating the page for her in case it was her account getting it flagged, the pages kept getting deleted. The only cause we could work out was that Microsoft just came out with a Sleipnir program of some form and were removing all other pages with that name regardless of content.

So we kicked off Ragnarok and wrecked our Facebook RP world, killing off some of the characters and leaving others behind. We moved platforms, taking our remaining world to Gaia Online, but it wasn’t to be.

Though the RPs increased in quality while there and we created avatars for each of our characters and it definitely helped the process, we just couldn’t keep it up. We were too disheartened for our friend and how things had ended on Facebook.

Slowly but surely, our RPs died. We tried just once more by moving to a new forum called Valucre, but we couldn’t quite get steam going there, either. Eventually all of the RPs died, most of them without conclusions. In some ways, we mourned the loss.

But our remaining group, a total of four of us, remained friends for a great while longer. Three of us, in particular created this very blog some years later with the purpose of posting all of our NSFW works here.

Art, writing, roleplays, etc; this blog was meant to be a joint page to display all of our wicked wiles.

For several months we didn’t post much. Kyone did the most posting during this time, art for her favorite yaoi couple of the time, both NSFW and SFW, and it was moderately popular. Then came my contribution: The Dancer.

The Resurgence

To this day, I’m not sure what really got me back into TMNT. I know I was tired of RPs but wanted the stories to continue, and thus did I begin writing fanfictions again after years of never touching them -- or, at least, never posting them.

The Bayverse movies kicked this off. I’d always loved TMNT, since I was a kid, but the Bayverse films put them in a new light. They weren’t anthropomorphic turtles under 5′ tall anymore, naked 100% of the time. They were tall, big bois, more humanoid, and more like hybrids. I loved them. I wanted them.

I wanted them to be loved.

At the start, I was under the false belief that they didn’t get much love -- i.e., no romance. I especially believed Raphael didn’t get much affection, being such an angry and brash character. Oh, how wrong I was, lol.

Thus did I start with Raphael.

At the beginning I was inspired by a story written by another page, @teradoration, featuring a merman. I wasn’t too interested in the story, personally, as it’s m|m and I’ve never enjoyed those types of stories, but the inspiration came from the fact that it was a multi-chapter work -- on Tumblr.

So I decided to write some porn.

Initially, the idea was to make a short story, something like 10 chapters. I put thought into it, into the character I wanted to create and introduce, into her appearance and history and passions. I considered Raphael, his personality, and crafted a character designed to intrigue and challenge him. Then I looked at both popular and unique character tropes and the kinds of characters I’d made and turned in another direction.

Thus was Jocelyn born, a half-black, half-Polynesian ballet dancer with blonde hair and freckles. And, at first...it was a dead story. No one saw it. No one liked it. No one took a chance on Jocelyn.

For nearly a year, I wrote chapters to an empty audience. I tried not to let it get me down, but the consensus seemed clear: no one was interested in reading it. Still, I’d started it and come to love the characters very dearly, and so I continued. For my sake, for their sake, I continued.

Then came my first big break: tmnttrashcan. If you’re wondering why I didn’t @ that one, it’s because it’s been deactivated. But this amazing woman found my story, loved it, and began sharing it. And because her blog was one driven by reblogs and gifsets, it was far more popular than this one despite its younger age.

And thus did The Dancer begin drawing attention, fans, and feedback. Thus did I finally feel as if this labor of love was validated, that I wasn’t posting just for me anymore. People were enjoying the story, and in return, I poured more effort and love into it.

This is how I thanked my readers: with better content. More drama, more emotion, more love, more heartache, more sex, more everything.

Even before this happened, however, my head had continued the story far into the future. I made a sequel -- The Dragon -- before I’d even had a concept of The DJ. But in this sequel I’d begun laying the groundwork for something in between the two, and through this I began creating Lisa.

With Lisa, I wanted to create a character that fit more securely with the next turtle on my list: Michelangelo. Rather than opposing the turtle in many ways, as Jocelyn does with Raphael, I wanted Lisa to mesh very easily with him.

The DJ had begun.

For a time, tmnttrashcan’s admin and I were fantastic friends. We talked often, over text and over voice chatting. I told her ideas I had for the future, plans going years down the line both in and out of the story, and even let her read what I’d written of The Dragon thus far. She loved it, every last word, and heaped praise at me.

I loved this woman very deeply. I’d tell her as much from time to time, and she echoed the sentiment.

Then she simply...vanished. She stopped talking to me, stopped responding. Eventually I asked her if we were no longer friends. She never answered.

It was heartbreaking.

Soon thereafter, I was also left behind by Kyone. She unfriended me. And then Tumblr decided to ban all NSFW content, so in order to preserve this blog, I was forced to delete all her NSFW art. And when she went further and removed herself from the blog, I went further too and removed all of her posts. But it wasn’t easy.

It’s been a few years since then and I remain heartbroken. We’d been friends for over a decade. I saw her grow up (we met when she was 16), saw her graduate, saw her go through schooling and jobs and hard times. Between her, myself, and Fluxx, we’d amassed a mountain of great times and greater stories. We’d been a sisterhood in all but blood. We’d even called ourselves such.

To this day there remains a hollow place in me. In short, I’ve been jaded. My whole life, I’d seen this pattern repeated: I make a friend, we become close, then they abandon me, usually within a year or two. But with Fluxx and Kyone, I’d truly believed this pattern had finally been broken. I’d believed I finally had friends for life.

Between the loss of tmnttrashcan and Kyone, however, I learned a hard lesson: not to trust so deeply.

This was repeated twice more before I gave up on sharing. With Blue Blood, twice I made a close friend, got to the point of talking near-constantly and voice chatting. Twice I shared previews of what was to come. Once I even told the entire story, everything, every last detail I have planned to the end of the series. And twice, after hearing so much of the tale, the friend vanished from me. They stopped responding. I was talking to air.

It hurt.

By now you may be wondering why this is included in my fanfiction autobiography. Well, because it spurred me on. If I can’t keep friends for long, then I’ll keep my own company. I won’t let myself down. I decided to focus on my stories, for in this I am always the most important person. I am the one who will never be abandoned. I am the creator, the god, of the worlds I shape for the entertainment of others. Readers may come and go, as much a slave to their interests as I am, but I remain. For those who stay and those who arrive later, I remain.

There is a power in this which cannot be matched, but more so, there’s an enjoyment and responsibility. My stories are unfinished but demand an ending from a slew of followers. And so I keep writing, even though the stories are largely complete in my own mind. I know how they end. I know how they intertwine, how they connect. I know the backstage dancers, how the plot lines link together, where each thread is leading; my readers do not.

And so I continue writing, even as I remain cautious about how much I share.

To The Future

What comes next is largely unknown, even to me. I have many, many, many stories, both in original settings and fandoms. I work on some of them from time to time, in between trying to focus on my bigger hits. Sometimes I just open one and begin reading what I’d already written, refreshing my memory and contemplating where I want the story to go.

I’ve considered other forms of storytelling as well. Otome games have my interest, specifically, because of the nature of them; a single protagonist and multiple love interests with their own unique tales to tell. I love that format and have tried crafting numerous stories for them, but they’ve yet to gain any real ground.

This is partly because it’s a huge undertaking. It’d require more than myself to get them made. I can do art and writing, but I know little to nothing of coding. I’m unsure how I would turn words and images into a novella-type game. Originally I wanted Fluxx and Kyone’s help -- Kyone because I felt her art is better than mine, and Fluxx because she has experience coding. I tried to get them involved. They did not get involved.

As far as otome games are concerned, I am alone.

But this is fine. I am a better writer than anything else -- better than I am an artist, a gamer, or a friend, based on my history. So I’ll continue to write. And if I never truly create an original story, if I never get published, if I never receive royalties for my years of painstaking effort, then so be it.

I made people happy. I made people gush and scream and keyboard-smash. I made people laugh and cry. I made people fall in love with that which I love.

That’s enough.

I’ll see you soon with more updates. My stories are not yet finished.

- Nightshade

#siren nightshade #autobiography #sfw #written #personal

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feuilly-cakes · 4 years

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Night World by L.J.Smith - Review/Overview

So 2 weeks ago I began a journey to reread one of my most favourite series that I hadn’t read for upwards of 8 years. It was an emotional rollercoaster, between some truly emotional moments and WTF moments, huge plot twists and excited memories. I enjoyed the experience, but let me tell you my reading preferences have changed hugely since I was a preteen and I can no longer call it a favourite, because the entire series is based on insta-love and is written just like you would expect a teen vampire romance written in the 90s. Before scaring you off, let me tell you what it’s about. Every story is about unlikely soulmates, usually between a human and a Night World citizen. The Night World contains vampires, witches, werewolves, and shapeshifters, and it’s forbidden that humans know about it, and it’s forbidden that a Night World citizen falls in love with a human. Although set in the same world and characters appearing multiple times throughout, each book is a standalone and simply follows a formula. If you loved the vampire books of the past couple decades and also insta-love and soulmates, then please check out the series. I have an overview/review of each below.

We begin with SECRET VAMPIRE. Poppy has been diagnosed with cancer and is given only months to live. Her best friend, the mysterious James, says that he can save her, but at what cost? This is a particularly brutal start to a series, dealing with death and grief and huge life changing decisions, but it really serves to drag you into the story and make you care about the characters from the start. It’s very much written as a teen vampire romance though, with the convenient plot happenings and unnecessary drama. It sets the tone for the rest of the series so if you enjoy this you’ll probably love all the books.

Next is DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS, which follows Mary-Lynnette as she falls headfirst into a mystery of Night World Proportions. Just what were the new girls in town burying in their aunt’s garden? And where has the old woman gone? If you liked Ash in the first book, you’ll be happy to see him again here, this time intent on dragging his sisters back to the enclave from which they escaped. This one used to be my favourite, for the soulmate aspect and the big reveal (not as big or intense to 21 y/o me as 12 y/o me I must say) but somehow not the murder mystery plot, which I remembered nothing about and so was completely immersed in. I also realised around this point that insta-love doesn’t do it for me anymore, and I would have rathered it be a 400 page slow burn than a 200 page insta-love rushed kinda deal. The ending was very sweet so I forgave it for the time period it was written in.

Third in the series was ENCHANTRESS, a story about witchcraft and fighting over a boy. Thea has found her soulmate in a human, but her cousin Blaise has set her sights on him too. Thea must compete with Blaise to save her soulmate, because not only does Blaise play with boys until they break, but love between a human and a Night World citizen is punishable by death. I’m personally not a fan of these sorts of stories, but the sisterly bond between Thea and Blaise as well as the introduction of the witches was interesting enough to tide me through, and I was rewarded with a nice ending.

Volume 2 begins with DARK ANGEL. After Gillian drowns in the dead of winter, she is brought back by Angel, who promises to make her popular and help her get the guy. But who is Angel really, and what does he want from Gillian? As someone who adores flawed protagonists, the selfish, shallow, and hopelessly naive Gillian was a great one. She makes terrible decisions and ignores all the red flags that we as readers can see easily, which is frustrating and great to read about. I loved this witchy story far more than the last, and I really wanted more like it, with lost witches and how they find their way back.

THE CHOSEN is about vampire slave trafficking, so your mileage may vary. Rashel is a bitter and vengeful vampire hunter, sworn to kill them all after witnessing the deaths of her mother and best friend at just 5 years old. When girls start to go missing, Rachel must investigate and stop whoever is taking them, even if it means going up against the fearsome vampire Quinn. This book opens up with the double murder, and then Rachel being targeted for another, which definitely leaves her traumatised. That being said, she is 17 when the main story happens, and has some cringe moments (such as “this kitten has claws” which had me physically put the book down to cringe over it.) The insta love was getting tedious at this point (seriously they meet like 3 times and most of that is spent with her trying to kill him) so when the dramatic plot twist happened I was relieved for some real drama, and drama it was let me tell you. I once again had to put the book down and just gape in shock, for I had remembered none of it. A good read.

SOULMATE, meanwhile, had me in great emotional pain. We follow Hannah, who has been finding notes in her own handwriting telling her she will be dead before she is 17, that she must remembered something important, and that He is coming. Using hypnotherapy, she begins to unravel her past lives and the mystery that runs through all of them regarding her soulmate Thierry, a Lord of the Night World, who she is inexplicably afraid of in her memories. All I can comment here is the reincarnation, star crossed lovers, and soulmates, all mixed into one big story nearly did me in. Also, the characters from the previous books make an appearance, which is always exciting.

This is where we get an overarching plot that never got completed. All you need to know is that there’s a prophesy predicting the apocalypse and there are 4 Wild Powers who are fated to stop it but only if all 4 are together.

HUNTRESS kicks off with Jez Redfern discovering she is a vampire/human hybrid and leaving her vampire gang to go live with her human family. She joins Circle Daybreak and becomes a vampire hunter, but is called back into the Night World when her old second in command, Morgead, demands a position on the Council in exchange for the first Wild Power. She is tasked with uncovering the identity of the person before the Night World Council does, and bringing them into Circle Daybreak alive. The characters in this one aren’t very interesting, but it’s not a problem because the plot goes by super quickly and the mystery keeps the story afloat. If you love a big reveal then this is a good book for it.

BLACK DAWN is about slavery and socks. When Sylvia turns up in the dead of night with news that her boyfriend, Maggie’s brother, has gone missing in a climbing accident and is presumed dead, Maggie feels something isn’t quite right with the story, and in the process of trying to find out the truth she is taken by slavers. She must now survive the journey into the dark kingdom hidden in the mountains, and find the way out, told to her in a strange dream... I found the plot a bit convenient and a bit cliche at times, which is only to be expected from this series at this point. The only thing that truly surprised me was the “The Deliverer!” scene, which you will know immediately when you come to it. Genuinely I couldn’t quite grasp what was happening and so I had no reaction to it but looking back that was bizarre and made zero sense in the context of the book, which until that point was a survival story. An odd one, but not bad until that point.

The final book, but not the end of the story, is WITCHLIGHT. Keller is a shapeshifter tasked with protecting an unknowing Wild Power, delivering her to her bonding ceremony to the prince of shapeshifters, and therefore ensuring a treaty between the witches and the shapeshifters in the coming war. The catch is that the prince is Keller’s soulmate and Iliana, the Wild Power, refuses to accept that she is magical. This was a weird one for a different reason and that reason has scales. Keller seemed annoying at first and so did Iliana, but that was quickly overtaken by the DRAGON?! plotline. My notes on this were very sweary and confused. I liked the history lesson we get on the history of shapeshifters - it seems to be a parallel to colonialism and slavery, and the guilt we feel knowing our ancestors did that to people. On a less serious note, for someone so sharp and strategic, Keller sure is dumb when it comes to her feelings. She’s part of Circle Daybreak and yet doesn’t recognise the soulmate bond when it comes to her and I was frustrated. The fallout of her realising the truth was painful and real, very lovely but in a sad way. The showdown was super exciting and the ending I loved. There was a lot of character development too.

I highly recommend checking this series out. It’s not expensive to buy and is a fun and easy read.

#lj smith #books #book review #night world #vampires #books and literature #book recommendations

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whumpersworld · 4 years

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Misery and Intrigue

pt. 1 of my box-boy series I have planned, this follows Daniel and his experience not only with Kneeel, but with pet ownership in general.

started by @sweetwhumpandhellacomf and I'd love to get on on the box-boy masterlist @shameless-whumper

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It had taken a lot of strength to get past his intial nerves, you know. It was an ordeal for him to, an effort; opening the again site that is. It was hard almost for Daniel P. Boyce, the nearly twenty-five year old. He had heard whispers, praising the company on the street, and others joyously exclaiming how much they adore their 'pets', but they had money you see. They had an excess of it, and it took months to save up for the amount needed. Well, for what he wanted specifically. There was no way he was going through some dodgy company no matter how many couplons he has gotten sent. He did have a well paying job, any was lucky enough to be able to work from home, thank god; comumute was hard considering his whole situation with his legs, he just didn't consider himself rich. Rich people bought what they wanted when they wanted, they didn't have to save for anything. Yes he was a bit bitter, but enough of that.

Kneeel, a lesser known but highly praised company caught his eye when he was looking into where to buy his pet from initially. Their products were photographed like models and advertised like dogs, intimate bits artistically covered by the company logo and a description of their best qualities below their photographs. It was interesting, shoping this way. It felt casual though, too casual almost, like he wasn't buying a human pet and was simply purchasing the designer shoes they were wearing. It eased his conscience still and allowed him to shop freely.

His eyes were drawn to a lanky redhead girl and he clicked into the arrow beside the first picture which showed him another photo, this one was a close up of her face. She had a deep cupids bow and her face was absolutely littered in freckles. She was sweet looking, and also a hard pass. He wondered if there was a filtering option, there were too many women being advertised and he simply was not interested. He hummed gleefully when he found the filtering options, of them there were plenty. 'Helpful, user friendly.' Dan chided internally. He designed websites you know, and couldn't help but praise the features of those he was pleased with.

Within the filters there of course was one for separating the men by use, one for both sexes likely but once again, he had no interest in what the Women Of Kneeel had to offer. He needed someone who could assist him properly. Dan couldn't have told you what that meant at the time but he knew after looking through those made for physical assistance that the athletically built 6'3" blonde 49021 was practically made for him. Catalog shopping was easier, Dan thought, it made it easier not to obsess over every aspect of the babes appearance. He looked fine, he looked better than fine to be quite honest. Dan knew that no man like this would never lay his eyes on him naturally.

Looking through the boy's bio was interesting. Of course there was no listed reason for way he had be previously refurbished but it did give him an idea of what he was like, you know, before. He was going to be an EMT, studying really hard. Life had other plans and harsher things to throw at him. He's lost everything. That of course wasn't in the bio, Dan just knew, he knew what it was like to be poor and desperate but he had never sunk that low. Not that the big bad corporate slavers would want him, him being crippled would likely make it hard to kneel. The man shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, things were good now. They really were. He lived in a beautiful condo and had a fantastic job as a software developer he pumped out content like know ones business and he deserved this damnit. He deserved to have someone take care of him like he needed taken care of, he's suffered long enough. The loneliness, the hurt, the physical pain, it could all be avoided now, he'd have someone to help him and thank God for that, truly.

"49021, what are we going to do with you? Pretty boy, nice rack." Daniel joked to himself. He noticed that his original distributor was listed as Whumpee Barn and he cringed and bit his cheek, it'd be a risk. He heard good things about Kneeel, maybe they were good at retraining. Whumpee Barn was dreadful, not only with their shipping but lacked the ability to create a blank impressionable slate. They always left something desperate and quietly violent, ready to strike. Quite frankly he was scared of violent. Quietly, or otherwise. Calling him fragile would be an overstatement but out of his chair he'd be rendered stationary and if 49021 decided to wail on him he'd be an easy target.

"He wouldn't have a reason to." The man uttered his broken thought. He wouldn't abuse him you know. He planned to treat him, just about standardly. He couldn't think of much that the boy wouldn't be able to do, that he would be forbidden from. Going outside without him at his side, probably. Going through the fridge without permission. Watching television without permission. He could read! Books that Daniel provided and specifically handed to him.

He felt like he was moving too fast, getting way ahead of himself, he hadn't even ordered him yet. Fake shoppers didn't get the luxury of fantasizing. He went about the process of ordering, finalizing it his brain that this was actually happening. He had specific training in mind, mostly regarding how he should be handled. He could get around just fine on a wheel chair, but the thing is, he was extremely busy with work, or passion projects when wasn't working. He really was a busy body, pushing himself for no real reason other than that's how he liked spending his time. He didn't have the time to cook for himself, to tend to his plants, he felt like he wasn't managing the house as well as he could, he wanted someone who could do that for him.

He also wanted company and was sick of making conversation with nothing. He had friends but they rarely visited, always wanted to FaceTime. He hated FaceTiming. He wasn't the most confident in his appearance, especially after depriving himself from sleep because making his way to his bedroom was too much of an ordeal.

He folded his hands on his desk, looking over his filled out form, quite pleased with everything. He was going to be emailed by a respondent who'd look over his requests and have a conversation with him about how his disability impacts him and what they should be aware of. Oh, and they'd give him an estimated time of arrival.

Within the next twenty minutes he was greeted sweetly by an email from a Dab Grier. Daniel was surprised by the email because it didn't feel like a copy and paste. The way it read felt like it was written by someone fairly young, but don't mistake that for meaning it wasn't well written. He replied with more information about his legs, and his needs, and how he didn't want them to rush to make sure he was trained properly. Dab shot him an email less than ten minutes later like he was waiting for him. It made him feel heard, and like his money was in good hands.

He was satisfied getting off his computer that night and heading to bed, after getting the photos of his boy off the internet and saved to his phone of course. He just wanted to look at him some more, it wasn't weird. He would partially be his romantic companion, at least that's what they called it. Boytoy was more accurate really. Dan wasn't sure what he wanted out of the relationship but, being held would be nice honestly. Now that he was in bed he could help but fantasize about those arms around him. He suddenly had a pit in his stomach, a feeling of longing. He couldn't remember the last time he was held, it really had be a while huh. Since Seth. Since he tore out his heart with his huge fucking hands of his, and his strong grip. How he pierced him with his eyes as he said he couldn't do this anymore. How he kicked his chair away from the couch and called him pathetic. He rolled back as he walked out the door, taking none of his belongings, but still. Dan was pathetic, and it was scary. He almost regretted ordering help, he really was defenseless.

He couldn't think about that now, not before bed. Wallowing was detrimental to a good night's rest.

#whump #box boy universe #box boy #whump blog #pet whump #whumplr #whumpblr #oc: daniel boyce #oc: unnamed #oc: dab grier

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musiclovingbitch · 4 years

Note

Oh I want all of them 1-50!

Fuck. I brought this onto myself. Putting this under a read-more so that people don’t kill me.

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today?

I don’t think any of you know this but the first fic I ever wrote was a Shameless one-shot that was titled ‘Mine’ and it was just semi-good, semi-bad smut. The first and last fic I ever posted on fanfic.net, actually. I deleted it years ago and didn’t save a copy, so it’s gone forever now…

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come?

My most recent fic is Part, written for the 2019 Klaine Advent Challenge, and also the gleepotluckbigbang. I’m fallen majorly behind cause I have some studying to do, so I may take a long while to finish the rest of the klaine advent.

It’s much, much better than Mine was, lol.

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?

Oh, that’s so difficult. While I’m not happy with everything I’ve posted, there’s a bunch that have a special place in my heart. Escape came to mind first, partly because I love older!Blaine fics, which is kind of shocking to me cause it’s one of the very first fics I ever wrote, and statistically I tend to like my older fics less.

4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic?

I have looked at the numbers before, though not recently, so I have an idea.

I think Escape is the reigning queen right now, actually, but Incapacitated by Love and The Effects of Cookies on Shy Teenagers are gunning for her crown, lol.

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that?

I don’t tend to reread any of my fics, but like I said, there are a few that I love. Escaped and Incapacitated by Love are two of them, along with Together, I Need A Gangsta, and Question.

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that?

Uh, one of the reasons I don’t reread my fics is the cringe factor, so, no. I reread Mine a couple of years after I posted it and it made me delete it, so. I think it’s in everyone’s interest that I don’t.

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

I don’t write multi-chaptered fics, so, not in that regard, but.

When I first posted I Need A Gangsta, I had a surprisingly large amount of people asking for a sequel. It’s been years since I posted it, but last week I started thinking about it and I have a little bit of inspiration, so. You may wanna look for that in the upcoming months. (I have exams coming up, be patient.)

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

Again, I don’t write multi-chaptered fics, but.

I got asked for a sequel to one of the fics I wrote for the 2015 Klaine Advent, Wish, which is inspired by Aladdin. I haven’t gotten around to it yet… *hides in shame*

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material?

Nah. I’m not sure if I could. Although, I do usually write AUs, so. I think some of them could fit pretty much any pairing.

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it?

I hadn’t read any Shameless fanfic before writing and posting my own. But I read klaine fanfic for years before I attempted writing it.

11. Have you ever written a fic for a concept you know someone else has done before? How did it impact your writing process or feelings after posting?

Nothing specific comes to mind right now? I do occasionally get inspired by prompts, (and you can all blame @slayediest for reblogging them onto my dash) and they obviously get used by a whole bunch of people, but usually inspiration for different fics comes a little more naturally, like I’ll hear a song or whatever.

I did write a fake dating au and I was nervous about writing it, I took more care than usual if that makes sense, and that was both because it’s such an iconic trope, but also because it was a gift to the delightful @lilyvandersteen, so I was even more anxious than usual after posting it cause I was waiting to see if she liked it or not.

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why?

There are so. many. fics. in my drafts folder, but all but two are unfinished. Those two that are finished but not published I just don’t like very much. I keep them with the intent of re-writing the parts I don’t like and posting them. Eventually, hopefully, I’ll get around to that.

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today?

I’m more comfortable writing now than back when I first started, I guess? I was way more hesitant then.

I do write better smut now.

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today?

Let’s just say I’m into some kinky shit now and it’s definitely because of late nights spent on AO3.

Trope-wise, not much has changed about my preferences.

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular?

Nah. I don’t vibe like that. The words don’t come out of me.

16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention?

Nope.

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic?

It’s definitely Closer. I was debating not posting it and it has more hits than it has words, I really don’t get it.

18. What’s your most underrated fic?

I’m not sure. I feel like I’d be nagging if I said, oh hey not enough of you guys read/liked/reblogged this fic of mine.

People have their preferences. I’m okay with that.

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick?

Fuck. Maybe Together? It has the mix of intense angst/sappy romance that you’ll find in my fics 100% of the time.

20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down?

I haven’t, and I don’t think I will. I don’t tend to linger over fics once I’ve posted them.

21. If someone starts kudosing and commenting your fics in a spree and has a few works of their own, would you go look through theirs?

This has happened three times and I loved it every single time. I would definitely check out their profile, yes.

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed?

Are you kidding me? Literally all of you, yes. Fandom royalty has read my work, bitches.

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten?

Oh, god. Someone commented that I made them cry, it was the best, it made my entire week.

24. What’s the meanest review you’ve ever gotten? Do you think the reviewer intended it?

I’m very lucky in that aspect, I’ve never gotten hate in regards to my fic.

I did write a fic where Blaine and Sam were teaching a CPR class that Kurt was in, and at the end, I had Sam interrupt them while they were speaking, and someone left a mean comment about Sam? I smelled fandom wank and did not engage.

25. What constructive criticism, however well-meaning, always makes you feel bad when you see it in a review?

Haven’t gotten any of that.

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised?

I like making people feel things. If you tell me I made you feel good or bad with my fic, I’m going to be delighted.

27. If you could only ever write crossovers or single-fandom fics ever again, which would you pick?

Single-fandom fics.

28. if you could only ever write for a single crossover or a single fandom again, which would you pick?

Glee, obvi. I’d never give you cuties up.

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy?

Well, although I have considered writing for some of my other fandoms, it just hasn’t felt right. That may change in the future, and that’ll be an interesting day.

30. Do you continue to write for a fandom after you’ve moved on or do you focus solely on the new one?

I think klaine has become such an important part of my life that I don’t see myself giving it up entirely.

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right?

I don’t think I have ever gotten any character perfectly right, but that’s okay. It helps that the majority of my fics are AUs, so I don’t feel a lot of hesitation having them do or say some OOC things.

32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying?

I think I’ve nailed Kurt and Blaine at different scenes in different fics, but no particular character comes easy to me.

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up?

Rachel kind of takes over sometimes and I have to go back and edit things out, lol. That’s just her diva way.

34. Was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? Was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way?

I think the one that surprised me with just how much response it received (I know that phrasing is wrong but I can’t be bothered right now) is Incapacitated by Love. Who knew people in the glee fandom had a thing about police officer!Blaine.

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to?

I keep klaine as the main focus, so the backround couples switch up ocassionally and I don’t particularly care.

36. Have you ever sincerely written a ship you do not support into a fic?

Nope.

37. Have you ever purposefully bashed a character/ship in a fic?

Not that I can remember.

38. Have you ever purposefully written something you know your readers would find uncomfortable/would not enjoy? If yes, why?

I don’t think so?

39. Do you consider yourself to have a readership?

Not really. Although if any of you consider yourself to be a loyal reader of mine, please let me know.

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content?

No, that’s kind of the worst part about my muse, she’s a flighty bitch.

41. If you cross-post your fics on multiple sites, do you have a favorite? Are there certain fics you would only post on certain site?

AO3 is the best. Tumblr can suck my dick.

42. How many views has your most popular fic gotten?

Incapacitated by Love has 1554 hits! Wow.

43. Your least popular?

Ground has only 95 hits, but I posted it a few days ago.

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received?

I have no idea what this question is asking.

45. If you had to call yourself an author of a single genre (besides fanfic) what label would you give yourself?

AU all the way, baby, although that’s apparent.

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author?

No, I think I have a very specific style. I dither in between gut-wrenching angst and tooth-aching fluff. That’s it, that’s my fics.

47. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There’s too much gay porn and I’m too closeted for this shit.

48. Does anyone you know from outside of fandom know you write fanfic? Are they involved in the same fandom too?

Yes, one friend of mine knows, although she doesn’t know what I write, or for which fandom(s).

49. Has anyone in your life ever read your fanfic just because you wrote it?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?

Of course it’s had a massive impact in my life. It’s a huge creative outlet and I’ve ‘met’ so many people because of it! I think it’s like 85% positive.

#spaceorphan18 #meme #fanfic meme

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ladylouoflothlorien · 5 years

Text

Serendipity - Part 1

Pairing - Augledh (Orc Captain) & Héowyn (Woman of Rohan)

Words - 4611

So yeah, I wrote a human x orc fic. If you’re bothered, blame @luna-xial. Their orc courting post is at fault for inspiring this.

There were rumours, well they were more like whispers really, that the great dwarf Thorin Oakenshield was currently on a journey to reclaim his homeland. Between those in higher society, these whispers were discussed behind closed doors, but in Héowyn’s village – located somewhere between Helm’s Deep and Fangorn Forest – people hardly cared. A once-rich dwarf going on a quest with a bunch of other dwarves in the hopes of getting rich again was hardly something to interest simple farming folk who had to work hard every day simply to have enough food to make it through winter.

There was a certain aspect of the situation that did interest them, however. Everyone in Middle Earth had heard the rumours… everyone. This included orcs.

In times of relative peace, orc attacks were fewer than in times of true turmoil, but this didn’t mean orc attacks never occurred. Now with the supposedly dead Azog chasing after the wannabe dwarf king and with even more hushed whispers of a dark, ancient power returning to the land, orc attacks were increasing in number, consistency and organisation.

In the countryside news travelled slower than in cities, but it hadn’t been that long after the first wave of attacks that all the villages scattered across Rohan knew what was going on.

The tales varied from village to village and though no one was quite sure how much was true and how much was exaggeration, everyone was equally afraid. In Héowyn’s village, their first actual encounter with orcs was relatively mild. That being said, it was enough to set everyone on edge. The elders had called a meeting the very morning they’d discovered a large number of livestock with little left on their carcasses than their skin. They all agreed almost instantly that they needed to do something to protect themselves from further attacks, but none of them were warriors and no one quite knew what they could realistically do that would make any real difference.

The attacks on their village grew steadily worse, though no one had been injured yet. It was as if the orcs were toying with them. More livestock turned up slaughtered and some disappeared completely. Whole fields of crops were trampled, and water sources were contaminated. The village suffered the effects of these attacks, of course they did, but they became complacent. After all, they couldn’t do anything to stop the orc attacks and no one had been killed yet. By that logic they were actually lucky compared to a lot of villages that suffered repeat attacks. The only thing that they could potentially do would be to send a messenger to Edoras, but they feared that whoever they sent would simply be murdered before they could reach the capital. Besides, what if this action only provoked the orcs to increase the violence of their attacks?

The people of the village simply began to take precautions to protect themselves as best as they could. No one went outside after dark, families all slept together in the most secure room of their huts, and no one dared make a sound throughout the night as they tried to catch any sounds made by their attackers.

The attacks got worse.

The villagers woke up one day to find one of their outhouses smoking, nothing more than a pile of ash on the ground. That hut had contained a reserve store of grain. The elders pretended like it hadn’t worried them. It was only their reserve after all. No one would starve as a result . . . so long as the winter wasn’t too harsh.

Then dwellings were attacked. Families huddled together in the central room of their huts as the walls of other rooms were torn down. Rooves were destroyed, windows were smashed, and fences were knocked down. They were being terrorised, but still no one had been killed, let alone injured. Up until this point, no one had even properly seen an orc.

Héowyn’s family was pretty small in comparison to the average family in her village. Her mother had passed giving birth to her and ever since then her father had been a broken man. He was meek and easily persuaded but one thing that never changed was the fact that he was a brilliant farmer. His speciality was livestock, particularly sheep.

Héowyn made use of the sheep’s wool to make fabric. This fabric was used to clothe the villagers and any excess was sold at market. As well as taking up a profession that was linked to her father’s, Héowyn also inherited a love of animals in general. It wasn’t a rare sight to see a wounded bird or an orphaned baby animal being cared for by Héowyn in the hut that she shared with her father.

Some little time after their village was initially attacked, Héowyn stumbled across a very unusual animal whilst she was taking a walk through the fields. Her father was uncomfortable with her going out by herself so far from the heart of their village when there were orcs regularly attacking the village, but she’d promised she’d be back long before night fell and he didn’t have it in him to convince her not to go.

On this solitary walk, Héowyn stumbled across an animal she’d never seen before… it was a baby warg. It also had a giant splinter buried in its paw and the skin surrounding the wound was already red and swollen, indicating the start of an infection.

Instinctively, the woman crouched some way away from the small creature and stuck her hand out hesitantly. She watched as its nose twitched slightly as the pup sniffed the air before slowly hopping towards her on 3 legs, holding its injured paw up off the ground.

Héowyn was torn.

Clearly this warg must’ve come from the orc camp – wherever that was – or he’d been left behind from a recent attack. She didn’t feel right leaving an injured, young creature out in the fields to fend for itself, but what could be the consequences of taking this warg pup back to her hut? Would the mother come looking for it? Would the orcs themselves come looking for it? How would the villagers react to her taking care of it?

She’d been thinking so hard that she’d barely been paying attention to the warg. A sudden pressure against her palm drew her thoughts back to the animal and her eyes snapped down to see the little ratty creature nuzzling as close as he could to the warmth of her skin, whimpering. After a brief moment, Héowyn realised that it was shivering. How long had it been out there alone?

That settled it for her, and she carefully brought her other hand to the warg pup before picking it up. It squirmed and struggled harmlessly until Héowyn bundled it up under her cloak and shushed it. The pup seemed to calm down after that – she thought that the cute little monster was probably enjoying her body heat. The days were starting to get colder, after all.

Héowyn carried the warg pup back to her hut quickly, feeling strangely protective over it already. By the time she’d reached the village’s main cluster of buildings she’d already given it a name – Scruff. Granted, it wasn’t very original, but originality wasn’t what she was going for. She just wanted a name that would suit him. Héowyn had almost managed to smuggle the warg pup to her home without being caught when she all but bumped into one of the village elders. She froze up instantly and the warg pup responded to this by growling softly at this new stranger. The elder raised his eyebrows at the sight before him and Héowyn felt herself cringe. The growling certainly wasn’t helping any case she might’ve been able to make.

Luckily it was a village, meaning that everyone knew everyone, and the elder had seen Héowyn grow up.

“It’s injured, isn’t it?”

All she could do was nod.

“At the first sign of trouble, it’s gone, understood?” Héowyn nodded again, finding herself unable to reply verbally.

Once the elder was satisfied that Héowyn had understood, he left. It took her a moment to process what had happened, but when she realised that the elder had basically given her permission to keep the warg pup, she smiled and was finally able to relax enough to get Scruff to stop growling. It was sweet that the creature was trying to protect her already when she’d barely done anything for him yet.

Taking care of Scruff, combined with her work, was enough to distract Héowyn from the increasing threat of the orc attackers. She wasn’t ignorant; she knew they were happening… she just wasn’t focussing her mind on them 24/7.

A few weeks later, around the time that the first attacks on house began, Scruff was finally healed and was a fully accepted animal within the village. Scruff was full of energy and growing rapidly, and it’d only been a matter of time before he’d made his presence known. At first the villagers were – rightfully – terrified, since by this point Scruff had grown to the size of a large goat. Once it’d been made clear, however, that Héowyn had been given an elder’s permission to keep the warg pup from the start, the suspicion around the warg lessened greatly.

It’s friendly, over-grown dog attitude greatly helped win over the villagers, and with how quickly it was growing people soon began to hope that – once it was a little bigger – it might be able to provide them with some level of protection against the recurring attacks that were fast becoming a normal, every-day part of life in their village.

The day before there had been a particularly extensive attack on property. An entire house had been destroyed, and though the house was unoccupied, it deeply concerned the elders. What if this trend continued and the next time there was an attack a fully occupied house was destroyed? The village might actually suffer some casualties, which was a terrifying thought indeed.

The tension in the village was palpable. As animals so often do, Scruff picked up on this tension. Throughout the day, Scruff was agitated. Héowyn was concerned. Though he hadn’t caused any trouble so far, he was still a pup, and she wasn’t quite sure how this mood would affect his behaviour. In order to avoid trouble, Héowyn kept him inside all day. For such a high-energy animal, this confinement did nothing to help his irritation. The only thing Héowyn could do to keep him occupied was to tease him with an old mutton bone.

By dusk, Héowyn had successfully managed to keep Scruff under house arrest all day, and the villagers were all beginning to settle in for the night before the real darkness fell.

Héowyn went around the house making sure all the doors and windows were secure in case of another attack. She went into one of the side rooms of her house and noticed that the door to the outside was ajar.

‘Well that’s odd. Why would it be open?’ She thought. Her dad wasn’t outside, he was already asleep; he’d had a particularly tiring day tending to the remaining livestock. As Héowyn went to pull the door shut and latch it, she didn’t notice that Scruff had crept up behind her. The growing warg had been able to smell the fresh air and he could practically feel his desire to run itching under his pelt. Without warning, and before Héowyn had time to close the door, Scruff barrelled past her and ran out into the oncoming night.

Héowyn was petrified for him. She tried to tell herself that she was being irrational. He was a warg, what did he have to fear? Then again… he was young and small and Héowyn was sure that he was already far too domesticated to take care of himself when there could be fully grown wargs and orcs roaming the land around the village.

Everyone was already inside… and her father was asleep. There was no one to stop her from going after Scruff. She knew it was a bad idea but Héowyn was very protective of the animals she took care of. For her, there was no question of what she was going to do. She grabbed her father’s shepherd’s crook – though it was more for mental support than anything. What could she, realistically, do with a big, heavy stick against orcs with swords. She’d just have to hope they were having an off night.

Even though it was rapidly getting darker outside, Héowyn couldn’t risk taking a lantern with her. If there was anyone out there, that would just lead them right to her. After taking one last deep breath, Héowyn slipped outside and into the night, running as fast as she could after the naughty warg pup.

Unbeknownst to her, at that moment, there were three orcs waiting at the edge of the very furthest field from the village. The reason why their village hadn’t been completely annihilated yet was simple – it was being used as a training ground for young orcs who had only just reached fighting age. Just as much as the villagers feared retaliation from the orcs if they sent a messenger to Rohan to send for the soldiers, the leader of these young orcs feared the potential retaliation from soldiers if they killed any of the villagers. His name was Augledh, and he was in charge of teaching these young orcs the famed brutality and strength possessed by the warriors of their kind. That being said, until they were a little better at fighting, he didn’t want to risk going against trained soldiers. He figured that as long as they were only attacking the property – and not the people – the Riders of Rohan would have better things to do. After all, there were some villages being attacked where people were being killed.

On that night, Augledh had brought two of the most promising orcs under his command on a night raid alone to see how much havoc they could cause just by themselves. They were waiting at the edge of the field until they had the full cover of darkness. Augledh wasn’t expecting any surprises from that evening. He wasn’t even expecting to see a human. Almost since the very first raid, the humans had been barricading themselves in their huts as best as they could after dark.

(Below here, when the orcs speak in italics, it’s in black speech)

‘Cowards’. He thought with distain. Still, it was convenient for him. Imagine his surprise when first he saw a young warg that he didn’t recognise running across the fields, followed by… a woman? A woman? Definitely a woman. Augledh was in shock, and he barely managed to process what was happening in time to prevent his two young companions from springing out from their hiding place. Luckily all his years fighting seemed to have counted for something. He gruffly whispered that he had given no order to move, and the two orcs backed down, looking slightly sheepish. Augledh was a fierce orc. His reputation was well known among their kind. To train under him was a great honour, and they didn’t want to anger him.

It wasn’t that Augledh was protecting the woman, but he was intrigued. Honestly, what on middle-earth did she think she was doing? Was she a simpleton? Didn’t she fear an orc attack?

Besides that, he really hadn’t given an order, and he needed to remind those two younglings who was in charge.

After watching the situation unfold for a few seconds, Augledh realised that this woman wasn’t chasing the warg away, rather, she was chasing after it. She was calling to it in a desperate, hushed whisper, though Augledh was a creature of darkness and could hear her voice clearly carrying over the silent field.

“Scruff. Scruff! You get back here right now!” It seemed that something about the urgency in her voice got through to the feral creature. The warg skidded to a halt and turned to face her, its savage head tilted to the side in a question; this animal couldn’t possible understand the reason for her panic.

With the animal finally standing still, Héowyn finally managed to pause and take a breath. The woman placed her palm over her chest to feel her heart racing. She felt uncomfortable in the open darkness of the fields; she’d been running for several minutes and now she was much further away from the safety of her house than she’d intended to get when she’d first dashed out after Scruff. Calmly and slowly, Héowyn moved towards Scruff, not wanting to spur him into running off again.

Beside Augledh, one of the two young orcs was getting restless. They’d been harassing this village for some time, and now he was itching to spill blood. Surely this woman would do to satisfy his blood-lust? That warg surely wouldn’t pose much of a threat - it was little more than a pup after all. With little thought to his commander beside him, the young orc suddenly sprang out of his hiding place and brandished his crude sword in front of the woman and her warg. Héowyn was filled with such a mixture of shock and dread that she couldn’t even scream.

In that moment, Augledh almost completely forgot about the woman entirely. The young orc under his command had directly disobeyed his order to remain hidden. That was not something he could allow; Augledh was enraged. Without thinking, he also jumped out of his hiding place and snarled something in Black Speech. Héowyn felt so weak in the knees at the sight of these two orcs – one small and very disfigured, and the other standing tall and commanding and resembling an elf far more than the first – that she was surprised she didn’t collapse. Her hands instinctively tightened around the staff she held, and Scruff – noticing her distress – whined and pressed closer to her as she watched the terrifying scene unfolding in front of her.

Augledh was entirely focused on the orc before him.

“Gilga” His lips curled back as he spoke, his teeth bared angrily. “You went against an order. This is unacceptable.”

The young orc – Gilga – then made the great mistake of trying to match his massive commander’s aggression. He straightened his back, puffed out his chest, and tightened his grip on his sword.

“We’re orcs! We live to kill – to spill blood!”

His commander raised an eyebrow at this – in his view – pathetic display of disobedience. He didn’t need an orc with this attitude under him. He had enough potential soldiers willing to serve him without question.

Héowyn, of course, didn’t understand any of what was being said, but she could sense a confrontation brewing between the two orcs. She’d finally regained the use of her limbs, and she finally began to slowly back away. She hoped that if she moved slowly enough she could get away without drawing any more attention to herself.

Augledh himself stood towering over Gilga, silently waiting for him to say something that would be the final nail in his coffin. True to his expectations, Gilga delivered.

“What type of commander are you anyway, that you won’t let us attack those human scum?!”

Questioning his leadership like that truly was unacceptable. There was only one thing Gilga had been right about, however… orcs really did enjoy the thrill of spilling blood. Augledh stepped forward and in one swift movement he removed Gilga’s head from his worthless body. The look of absolute shock that was etched into Gilga’s features was deeply satisfying.

The commander turned to face the hiding place as Gilga’s now severed head and body slumped to the tilled earth of the field.

“Cagar.” He called to the remaining orc, who instantly rushed to his leader’s side. Augledh pointed to Gilga’s fresh corpse with the tip of his sword.

“Take this scum back to camp and feed his body to the wargs. Let everyone know this is what happens when you disobey my orders and doubt my leadership.”

Cagar did as he was told in an instant, gathering Gilga’s head into a sack and hoisting his body onto his back. He’d seen first-hand the punishments that Augledh was willing to dish out, and though he was in awe of the commander, he didn’t want to be next.

Cagar scurried away as fast as he could with the extra weight of Gilga’s body to where they’d left their wargs, and Augledh’s mind finally turned its attention back to the problem of the human woman. He didn’t need her going back to the village and spreading the news that the orcs were fighting among themselves.

Augledh could see that she’d managed to back away some distance and she was almost half a field away from him. Her eyes widened when she realised he was looking at her, and though he couldn’t catch her scent, he could imagine the spike of fear that had shot through her. Augledh took a step towards her and she took one back, almost tripping over a slight dip in the ground. So she wanted a chase. Augledh had no doubt he would be able to catch up to her before she ever reached the village’s huts.

Héowyn sensed that in that moment she was in genuine danger. She wasn’t sure what else she could do other than turn around and bolt back to the village as fast as she possibly could and she was just gathering the courage to do just that when Scruff stepped in. It seemed that the young warg had finally figured out that the reason Héowyn was distressed was because the creatures who had sprung up out of nowhere posed a threat. Scruff didn’t like this. He barked loudly and began to run towards the orc. Héowyn’s eyes widened. Scruff was going to get himself killed and that was exactly what she’d been trying to prevent in the first place. Without thinking, Héowyn ran after Scruff once again, feeling more and more helpless as the distance between her and Scruff increased.

Augledh held his ground as the small warg came careening towards him. Such a young creature could hardly instil fear into such a seasoned fighter, particularly one who worked around fully grown wargs daily.

Augledh slowly raised his sword above his head, ready to bring it down on the energetic animal once it was close enough, when the wind suddenly changed. The warrior orc stumbled backwards in sudden confusion and his grip slackened to the point where his sword quietly fell to the soft earth. He was glad he’d sent Cagar away so there was no one to see him act so weakly. The warg noticed what had happened; Scruff was an animal, but he wasn’t a stupid animal. That pointy silver-coloured thing was nasty and bad, but the stranger had now dropped it. Maybe he didn’t mean to harm his mistress after all.

Scruff tried to stop moving in time so that he wouldn’t crash straight into the orc but he failed miserably. The warg collided with Augledh head-on and they both went tumbling over the field. Héowyn slower her desperate run down to a jog as she caught up to the two of them, though she was still wary and kept a small distance between herself and the orc. The woman was confused herself, but for a completely different reason than the orc. Héowyn was absolutely baffled that the orc hadn’t hurt the warg. Not only had he not injured him, but he hadn’t even moved out of the way. . . he’d just allowed himself to be knocked over.

Augledh, as he lay awkwardly on the dirt, was simply trying to process the information he’d just received. Sure, it wasn’t exactly unheard of to find a soulmate of a different race, but he’d never expected that his soulmate wouldn’t be an orc. Not only was she not an orc, she was a human. When the wind had changed direction, Augledh had gotten a nose full of wet warg. However, he hadn’t just gotten a nose full of that unpleasant scent, he’d also finally been able to catch the scent of the woman for the first time and Augledh had just… known. Instantly. He’d heard that catching all that was needed to find your soulmate was their scent, but he hadn’t quite believed it was that simple. He’d even started to believe he would never find his. Now he had, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to proceed from there.

The warg shook its head as he started to pick himself up from such a hard collision. Scruff got off the orc and tried to stand up but after that fall he was a little shaky. Augledh was still lying down, staring at the sky as if he was in a trance. Héowyn decided to seize the opportunity to try to escape.

“Scruff. Come here.” She tried to sound strong and authoritarian, though her voice was shaking slightly. Héowyn held out her hand out towards the warg she had adopted and Scruff slowly began to walk towards her.

Once Scruff was close enough, Héowyn gripped him tightly at the back of his neck. She wasn’t entirely sure if she’d be able to hold him tight enough to stop him from bolting again if he really wanted to, but she hoped the feeling of her hand there would be enough to stop him from wanting to.

Just as she was starting to lead Scruff away, the orc suddenly sat up straight. Héowyn froze when she felt his gaze on her again. He seemed a little tense, though for the life of her Héowyn couldn’t figure out why.

“I am Augledh.” He suddenly said out of nowhere and Héowyn could feel her pulse hammering violently in her throat. His voice was rough and he had a thick accent to his words which suggested that he didn’t speak in Rohirric very often. The women had no clue as to why he would want to talk to her, let alone introduce himself, but she was still very much focused on not dying. She’d go along with this conversation for as long as she needed if it kept her head firmly planted on her shoulders.

“I… am Héowyn.” She replied politely, even throwing out a half-curtsey for good measure.

Augledh nodded stiffly, taking in this information and committing it to memory. Héowyn shifted on her feet, wondering if it would be okay for her to turn and walk away as the silence dragged on. Suddenly, the orc seemed to snap out of whatever stupor he was stuck in and he stood up, dusting himself off.

“Do not tell anyone what you have seen.” His voice carried the command well, and Héowyn felt that she would’ve been willing to obey him even if he wasn’t so physically intimidating.

“O-Of- Of course. Right. No, I won’t.” Honestly, Héowyn was surprised that she was able to get a single word out now that he was standing up and towering over her.

The orc nodded and turned, walking away. Héowyn blinked. It seemed that their interaction was over. She mimicked his actions, turning around herself and heading back to her hut. During their brief conversation, she’d calmed down enough to be able to think rationally again. She hoped that her father hadn’t woken up whilst she was gone – she knew how worried he’d be. Hopefully she could slip silently back into her hut, unnoticed. Héowyn had truly had enough excitement for the evening.

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#orc #human #orc x human #tolkien #tolkien orc #human oc #orc oc

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thefilmsnob · 4 years

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Glen Coco’s Top 10 films of 2019

2019 was one of the better movie years I’ve experienced. It was no 2007 or 2013--we all know that--but it was pretty damn good. People who say ‘they just make crap nowadays’ probably aren’t really into movies and are definitely out to lunch. Dammit, now I want lunch. Anyway, here are my picks for the ten best films of 2019 which, as always, follow my runners-up and the traditional bonus track...There’s always a bonus track.

Runners-Up

-Bombshell

-Booksmart Full Review: https://thefilmsnob.tumblr.com/post/185427895290/booksmart-out-of-5

-Ford v Ferrari

-The Irishman

-Joker Full Review: https://thefilmsnob.tumblr.com/post/188571262775/joker-out-of-5

-Parasite

-The Peanut Butter Falcon

-The Two Popes

And here are my top 10!

#10b. (Bonus Track) Avengers: Endgame

Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, the rest of Hollywood

Maybe, like some people in the industry, you don’t consider Marvel films to be ‘cinema’. Well, that’s a legitimate and long debate for another time. But, you can’t say that weaving a narrative through 22 related films isn’t an impressive feat. That’s what Marvel Studios did and with the help of the Russo Brothers, and despite the countless moving pieces, they ended this chapter of the franchise almost perfectly with just the right balance of action, human drama, twists, turns and some surprisingly poignant moments. If you didn’t get goosebumps--and maybe even pee your pants a bit--when those portals opened up at the end, bringing to mind Gandolf’s triumphant entrance into the Battle of Helm’s Deep, then maybe movies just aren’t for you, my friend.

Full Review: https://thefilmsnob.tumblr.com/post/184694412545/avengers-endgame-out-of-5

#10. Marriage Story

Director: Noah Baumbach

Starring: Adam Driver, Scarlett Johansson

Ironically, Marriage Story is actually about a divorce. But, writer/director Noah Baumbach imbues this civil-turned-nasty separation with all the complexity and aggravation that come with being married with child. He treats the divorce like the grueling process you’d expect it to be, one which involves real, flawed people whose needs and desires don’t align, making the situation increasingly distressing for all parties involved. In turn, Driver and Johansson make this distress increasingly palpable for the audience until it feels like we’re in the room with them during one of their several heated arguments. Both actors give some of the best work of their careers, yet it still may be overshadowed by Laura Dern and Ray Liotta who shine as the two ruthless lawyers representing them. Baumbach has been churning out these gems for years, but his latest, which may be his most accessible, may also be his best so far.

#9. Jojo Rabbit

Director: Taika Waititi

Starring: Roman Griffin Davis, Thomasin McKenzie, Scarlett Johansson

What do you get when you mix Nazi Germany, the ghost of Hitler and a poor Jewish girl trying to survive the second World War? You get one of the funniest and most touching movies of the year, of course. The surging writer/actor/director Taika Waititi, who specializes in quirky films filled with quirkier characters, hasn’t made the typically grim melodrama about Nazi Germany nor is he doing anything close to promoting Nazi culture. Instead, he uses the tale of a young boy who attends a Hitler Youth training camp to highlight the absurdity of this horrible movement while promoting tolerance. He delivers this powerful message by introducing a young Jewish girl who seeks refuge in the home of Jojo and his mother, played by Scarlett Johansson (who clearly had a good year). This leads to Jojo’s crisis of conscience which is complicated by his imaginary friend...who happens to be Adolf Hitler! Yes, the movie is different.

#8. Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood

Director: Quentin Tarantino

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie

It’s no surprise that Quentin Tarantino would make a film about 1960s Hollywood starring one of the most prestigious celebrity trios in the business; the guy’s passion--obsession even--for film is unmatched. Here, he uses the medium to take a horrific moment in history like the murder of Sharon Tate at the hands of the Manson Family and gives it the stereotypical Hollywood happy ending. In doing so, he showcases the wish fulfillment of the movies and their power to comfort us with optimism while simultaneously warning of their ability to shelter us from our cruel reality. DiCaprio and Pitt give brilliant performances as characters who add to the perception-vs-reality theme, DiCaprio playing the huge movie star full of anxiety and doubt in real life who relies heavily on his stunt double, Pitt, who’s the actual confident hero. All this and much more takes place in a meticulously recreated Hollywood of the ‘60s that sweeps you up in nostalgia and immerses you in a world of make-believe.

#7. Knives Out

Director: Rian Johnson

Starring: Ana de Armas, Daniel Craig, Chris Evans, Jamie Lee Curtis, Christopher Plummer

Yes, there have been many murder mysteries. No, Knives Out isn’t just like the rest of them. Writer/director Rian Johnson does a masterful job at crafting a labyrinthine story that’s just complex enough without overwhelming and strikes a perfect balance of suspense and comedy. Featuring one of the greatest casts assembled in 2019 playing a dysfunctional family of despicable yet intriguing individuals of means, the story is full of truly surprising twists and turns and, more crucially, some well-integrated and astute social commentary. This isn’t a two-hour lecture, though; the film is undeniably entertaining. The stand-out here is detective Benoit Blanc, played by Daniel Craig with a delightful southern drawl and an attention to detail that rivals Sherlock Holmes. Craig transcends his James Bond persona while the film itself transcends a genre.

#6. 1917

Director: Sam Mendes

Starring: George MacKay, Dean-Charles Chapman

If this were a few years ago 1917 would be, without question, my #1 pick. However, as the long, uncut tracking shot has become more common over the years, it’s also lost a bit of its luster; 2014′s Birdman, one of the best films of the decade, also had the appearance of a single take. Nonetheless, to make a war film, with all its tricky choreography and pyrotechnics, look like one long take is still a phenomenal achievement and an absolute marvel to behold. And, although it obviously couldn’t be filmed in one shot, Sam Mendes and master cinematographer Roger Deakins still had to shoot long takes and stitch them together digitally while stealthily hiding the seams. It all helps tell the story of two young soldiers tasked with traversing treacherous territory to warn a Battalion of British soldiers about an impending German ambush. We follow the pair in real time amidst a story of remarkable bravery, enhanced by the fact that we’re with them every step of the way, at once experiencing everything they do up close while being reminded of how removed we really are from the danger they face.

#5. Uncut Gems

Director: Benny Safdie, Josh Safdie

Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin Garnett (hey, why not?), Julia Fox

There are several talented actors in Hollywood who’ve gained a bad reputation for poor career choices. Ben Affleck and Will Smith come to mind. Perhaps the king of this group is Adam Sandler. He’s excelled sporadically in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and The Meyerowitz Stories, but he gives a truly Oscar-worthy performance in this--ahem--gem. As Howard Ratner, he’s a gambling addict who runs a jewelry store in New York’s Diamond district when he gets his hands on a rare Ethiopian black opal which he hopes will help pay off his many debts. In fact, he owes so much to so many people that he struggles to keep track of it all and we cringe every time he does. The tension builds to an almost unbearable level as a host of dangerous men seek payment. If that’s not enough, he’s on the verge of a divorce as he continues seeing a mistress who’s also his employee while owing $100 000 to his own criminal brother-in-law. If you were stressed just reading that, try watching the movie...or being Howard himself. The Safdie brothers don’t let up either, filming it like a documentary to add to its realism and immediacy...as if it needed that extra boost.

#4. The Lighthouse

Director: Robert Eggers

Starring: Robert Pattinson, Willem Dafoe

The first thing you notice watching The Lighthouse is that half the screen is missing; Robert Eggers, who also wrote and directed The Witch, shot the film with a 1.19: 1 aspect ratio, making the picture square, like an old-timey photograph. It feels limiting at first until you fully appreciate the feelings of confinement and anxiety it evokes. That’s important in a film about two lighthouse keepers, or wickies, who are forced to live together in insanely grungy and cramped quarters of a lighthouse on a remote island off the coast of New England. Considering the harsh conditions and the fact it’s a horror film, they soon clash and seemingly lose their grip on reality which manifests in macabre images and supernatural occurrences. Or does it? Ha! This is one of the most unique and beautifully filmed movies of the year with the grainy black and white 35mm making it seem like it was made closer to the late 19th century, when the film takes place. Like many recent horror films, this one relies more on mood and imagery than jump scares and is buttressed by only two actors who give award-worthy performances. Alright? So, go to hell; Pattinson can act.

#3. Little Women

Director: Greta Gerwig

Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Florence Pugh, Emma Watson, Timothee Chalamet, Eliza Scanlen, Laura Dern

You might assume that Little Women is a stuffy period piece and even unnecessary considering it’s the seventh adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s iconic 1868 novel, but the prodigious actor-turned-writer-turned-director Greta Gerwig is too adept in her craft to settle for conventional story-telling. She gives this classic story a fresh, modern take with a non-linear approach and a feminist angle that enhances without overwhelming. Like her work on Lady Bird, she keeps scenes brisk and to the point with decisive cuts. She also adds her unique wit and snappy dialogue. Every conversation, no matter how superficial, leaves you enraptured. So, too, do the characters; it’s a pleasure following these complex girls through the ups and downs of their lives as women of little means and even fewer rights. They’re portrayed by a stellar cast, particularly Jo March who’s played by Saoirse Ronan, perhaps our greatest sub-30 actress. This may be a little movie about little women, but the payoffs and sheer enjoyment are truly grand.

Full Review: https://thefilmsnob.tumblr.com/post/190231754125/little-women-12-out-of-5

#2. Us

Director: Jordan Peele

Starring: Lupita Nyong’o, Winston Duke

I know it’s blasphemous, but I might be the only person on Earth who not only thought Get Out was a tad overrated, but that Jordan Peele’s second feature, Us, is the superior picture. It’s easy to look at this film as merely a unique take on the slasher genre, but it’s so much more than that. Like any good horror, it’s creepy as hell, but it’s also brimming with foreshadowing, symbolism and metaphor. There are three or four ideas that Peele sets up at the beginning that seem disconnected to the story, yet they each have a specific purpose and when that becomes evident, it’s incredibly satisfying. Even more impressive is how Peele turns a movie about a vacationing family encountering their doppelgangers into a brilliant commentary on the current state of America, specifically in regards to class division and its relation to the Nature vs Nurture debate. And the movie’s neat twist at the end isn’t just added for shock value; it’s actually the final puzzle piece and essential in conveying the film’s message. I struggled with ranking Us at #1 or #2, but its over-reliance on slasher film action around the mid-point (a minor flaw) was the deciding factor. It’s near-perfect, nonetheless.

Full Film Interpretation: https://thefilmsnob.tumblr.com/post/184073868405/interpreting-jordan-peeles-film-us

#1. Midsommar

Director: Ari Aster

Starring: Florence Pugh, Jack Reynor, William Jackson Harper, Will Poulter

If there’s one thing for which the 2010s should be known, it’s great horror films, a refreshing development after decades of mediocrity. But, just like movies in general from the ‘New Hollywood’ ‘70s, horror films are more creative and ambitious than they’ve been in ages thanks to a handful of visionary filmmakers. Three out of the top five entries are horror movies and that’s saying something.

Midsommar is a mesmerizing horror film that hearkens back to the 1970s when the genre relied more heavily on atmosphere and pacing and sheer creepiness than on jump scares and gimmicks. It takes one hell of a talented writer/director to make a movie shot almost entirely in daylight feel so utterly sinister, but Ari Aster, who also made the acclaimed Hereditary, does just that with ease. What’s more, the film contains no monsters, nothing supernatural and an astonishingly minimal amount of violence, yet when we do see bits of blood and gore, it’s a complete shock to the system. What Aster does rely on is his mastery of lighting and framing to produce images that are unexpectedly eerie.

This is a movie that starts with a group of anthropology students looking to take part in a once-in-a-lifetime festival at a commune in the Swedish countryside and ends in an unspeakable nightmare. It’s a long and sometimes grueling experience that steadily snowballs into horror, but that slow burn is crucial for this delightfully nerve-wracking series of events. Oh, and it’s also a breakup story...possibly the scariest breakup story of all time. It’s certainly the best film of 2019.

#2019 films #top 10 of 2019 #movies #movie review

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elentiya-ashryver-galathynius · 4 years

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8, 13, and 20!!!

Thank you for asking, Leslie! This took me longer than I expected, but I just can’t put my thoughts into words.

8. Did you meet any of your reading goals? Which ones?

Hmm, I don’t really have a clear goal. I try to read at least 52 books a year, but the results depend on what do I include. Should I count my rereads? Should I count DNFed books? And what about books for my uni – I usually read specific chapters/fragments. Oh, and what about audiobooks? Bc I listen to them more and more often, as I can do other stuff while doing so. If I count all of the above except of the rereads, then I’ve met this goal.

I do not challenge myself with reading challenges other than the number of books a year, bc reading has always been my escapism and I like not having to step out of my comfort zone in things I do for fun.

13. What were your least favorite books of the year?

I assume that you mean the books that came out in 2019? (sorry for this, sometimes processing questions in different language can be tough for me, I hope I got this correctly)

I didn’t read that much of this year releases, but out of them I’ll go with Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson and Serpent & Dove by Shelby Mahu (oh boy, this one sure is an unpopular opinion).

I found Sorcery of Thorns boring. I don’t even remember much of it. Just a book to pass time. Awkward interactions, a lot of plot conveniences and a weird-ass explanation of mc’s height and special attributes/power (idk how to call it).

And now, my unpopular opinion of what seems to be a tumblr favorite - Serpent & Dove. You know what, I was so excited about this book, everybody seemed to love it. And it was an okay book, but I was so disappointed ☹ For starters – the romance is rushed and underdeveloped. Reid is rather boring and extremely annoying. The hypocrisy of faith – nothing new, and yet my blood boils every effing time someone is said to be “a good person, a paragon of virtue etc” and yet considers certain ppl to be beneath others based on their traits (e.g. biological sex) and thinks it’s okay to kill a human being bc a fucking book says so??? Yes, I get this, character development happened, whatever. I am tired of “my religion says so” bullshit, especially when this is an existing irl religion that still negatively affects a lot of people. End of this little rant and back to my reasons. Interactions were sometimes so awkward and even cringey. This weird trope “that person you know is actually your friend’s parent” is tiring, plot convenient and boring. It happened TWICE in this book. Yup. But to say sth positive – I love Lou and she is the best thing about this book. Also the reason I wanted to read this – witches.

20. What was your most anticipated release? Did it meet your expectations?

Definitely Darkdawn by Jay Kristoff (Queen of Nothing was the second one). Overall I loved it, but at the same time I hated this one subplot (the one about this certain book). In this regard I was disappointed. Some people see this as Kristoff messing with us, some kind of ultimate trolling or sth. I see this as running out of inspiration and ideas. The release was, after all, postponed a year. Maybe it was the pressure? I can’t even imagine how hard can it be to meet the fans expectations and the deadline when you lack inspiration/motivation or whatever it was. Or this could be on purpose. Whatever the reason, I cringed so hard while reading some scenes.

But this is only one aspect and I loved the rest! I expected it, and yet my heart was broken so hard. I love Mia and Ashlinn’s relationship. Overall, the relationships in this book are just

So yup, there were negatives, but the positives outweigh them for me.

#my answers

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akitokihojo · 5 years

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In Between: Chapter 3

Hello! Life’s still a mess, but thankfully I’m still on track!

-----------------------

SVU Precinct

"What the hell do you mean I'm off the case?" Inuyasha barked, slamming his fist on the captain's desk, the nearby container of pens, markers, and highlighters spilling over onto the paper-littered, mahogany surface.

"Just what it sounds like, Inuyasha." Their assistant district attorney stated, arms crossed over her chest in a demeanor that said she wouldn't be budging from their decision.

"You can't be assigned a case that you're involved in. Things don't work that way, detective." Totosai added, hardly phased by the temper of the half demon.

"That's exactly why I should be working it! I've obviously met this guy, so don't you think I'd be the best one to track his ass down?"

"What if you're wrong? What if this is your Average Joe stalker?"

"Look at the damn evidence, Kagura!"

"Believe me, I have. There's hardly enough to prove that you've met this perp."

"Good thing you're not a detective." He sneered.

"All I see is a case that doesn't even belong to this department." She trudged on, gritting her teeth and rubbing her temples toward the end of her sentence.

"A case I'm fighting like hell to keep because you're involved, Inuyasha. It's a huge conflict of interest and if you get in the way, we could lose it." Inuyasha flinched, clenching his jaw. If SVU lost the case, the only way it'd fall back into their hands- if the Internal Affairs Board wasn't already involved- was if a sexual crime of any nature occurred. That was the downfall of the Special Victim's Unit; they worked with the extremes: sexual assault, rape, and child abuse of all forms. "It belongs to Sango and Hojo now. I expect you to stay out of it, and when necessary, your full cooperation. For instance, right now. Miroku's been called in. Go help them evaluate the situation and then butt out when they're done. And before you ask, yes I'm serious. I.A.B. catches wind, you can kiss whatever chances we have goodbye."

"This is fucking bullshit." He huffed as he headed out, the silver hair tied at the crown of his head whipping around with the velocity of his turn, slamming the door shut behind him. Sango and Hojo were staring at a large whiteboard they'd wheeled over to their area, pictures taped up and notes scrawled in chunks, not even filling half of the surface. The detectives casually leaned against a desk as they quietly spoke with the on-call team psychiatrist, appearing more interested than the half demon felt they should. Inuyasha rolled his eyes, not looking forward to the prodding the psych was no doubt about to do. As much as he should be willing to answer all of his questions, he also wanted a new case to suddenly pull him away, making it impossible for Miroku to intrude on his personal life. He was annoying as all hell. You'd give the guy a little, and he'd be able to see the exact traumas that fucked you up when you were thirteen. It was freaky, and no human should hold that sort of power.

Inuyasha approached slowly, sighing defeatedly when their eyes fell on him, Hojo's annoying smile causing the half demon to fight back a cringe.

"It's kind of hard to get into a stalker's mind when you don't even know who the guy is, don't you think?" Inuyasha asked, fully implying that the psychiatrist was brought in prematurely.

"Not at all," Miroku began, raising his eyebrows at the question. "You don't have to have the person present to gather their motif. Maybe finding the pattern beneath all of this will help us track him down."

"What pattern? He's hit her house twice."

"I think he's been to her house more than that, actually." He stated, pointing to the printed pictures of Kagome's bedroom taped to the board. Inuyasha stiffened at the thought, his eyes shooting to the perfectly made mattress that Miroku referenced. "Everything but the bed was destroyed. In fact, he made sure to put the bed together. It all seems very detail oriented. That, alone, tells us he's got an M.O.. One that involves watching and observing from the sidelines."

"Watching and observ- are you kidding me? Miroku, he's a stalker!"

"Oh contraire, my friend. He knew what he was doing. This guy is patient. He's been taking photos for months now out of view, and he wasn't just doing that as a hobby. He was gathering the information he needed."

"Where, exactly, are you going with this?" Sango questioned.

"From what we can see of the state of Kagome's apartment, he wasn't exploring like someone who was purely interested in only her and her lifestyle; he wasn't trying to slowly crawl his way under her skin to quote-unquote connect with her. This was someone who was trying to make a statement. Yes, stalking is a major factor in all of this, but it's too superficial. This guy isn't a stalker at all. He's a master manipulator who likes the hunt."

The team was quiet, their mouths sealed shut as all of them stared back at Miroku with different levels of bemusement. It was a sign, albeit not a clear one but one he's learned to recognize, that they were just about on board with him. They just needed an extra push.

"Inuyasha, how many times has he been to your apartment?" Miroku continued, feeling confident in his theory.

"He hasn't. There's no way I could have missed a stench like his."

"Exactly. He knows you can smell him out. He knows you're a half demon and the more time he spends around you, the closer you'll come to finding him, so the drive isn't there. Yet. For the meantime, he can get away with targeting someone you care about. You'll catch his faint trail, but it won't lead you far because you'll be too busy taking care of Kagome. My guess is, this is bringing him a level of satisfaction no one can even begin to describe. I think he's been getting dangerously closer and closer to Kagome for a while now, and he's only allowing you to know now that he's got his method down and he's about to strike. He's ready to play this game because he recognizes that there's a very slim chance you'll be able to stop him in time."

"I hate to say it, but that makes a lot of sense." Sango looked from side-to-side at the two male detectives, exploring their expressions. Hojo was pondering, his blue eyes aimed at the floor while he tapped his knuckle to his lips. She knew her partner, and she knew her partner well. He wasn't convinced. Inuyasha didn't look the least bit pleased, as per usual. She couldn't tell if he agreed with Miroku's theory, or if he was just plain pissed that this was all happening in the first place. Most likely the latter.

"What about the bed? Something about it was a little too disconcerting, don't you think? What was the point of it?" Hojo asked.

"It's hard to say." Miroku's air of confidence slightly wilted away as his gaze drifted back to the board of pictures. "It most likely falls back within the lines of manipulation. When you see your house completely destroyed, what are the first feelings you get?"

"Fear, discomfort, unfamiliarity, anxiety, maybe anger." Sango listed, scooting her bottom over the ledge of her desk to sit, crossing her legs and bracing her hands on the edge of the wood.

"Lets go with the most common; fear and anxiety. He may be the kind of guy that enjoys inflating these emotions in his victims. By creating this scene, he's intensifying all of that. It's a bed she'll no longer feel comfortable sleeping in. He's touched it- tainted it, so to say. Made it appear welcoming while destroying every other aspect of her home. I think it'd be obvious that she'd rather lay in the mess than come close to her bed."

"All-in-all, discomfort, which is a simplified word for what she's feeling, is at an all time high." Hojo added as he caught on, rubbing the curve of his chin with his forefinger and thumb.

"Yes, exactly. He's violated every inch of her apartment, and he's essentially rubbing her nose in it. Not even her blankets can provide a sense of solace. If you think about it, this could be his way to get at Inuyasha, as well."

"How so?" Koga asked, walking up behind Inuyasha. He gave the half demon's shoulder a heavy pat, taking up his post beside him as if he'd been a part of the discussion the entire time.

"No one feels a bigger sense of helplessness than him." Miroku answered carefully, glancing at the hanyou. The muscles in his jaw were adamant, flaring his temples as he cocked and bit his jaw down. He seemed to be holding himself in place, his entire body rigid, ember eyes flickering around in annoyance, heavily avoiding all eye contact. It was difficult to determine if he had checked out, or if everything had processed perfectly clear. Still, he'd fully expected the half demon to blow up by now with loud proclamations of how nothing would ever happen to his friend with him around and how he'll catch whomever this is before he can get to her. The heated expression he was wearing was something Miroku had come to know very well from his years of helping the team solve detailed and riveting crimes, but everything else was slightly out of character for Inuyasha. Even if he was just holding himself together to follow orders, he couldn't help but be at least a little surprised the Inuyasha hadn't stormed away from his recent comment.

"So the creep knows how to fuck with their victims' head." Koga nodded, successfully increasing the undeniable tension swelling around the group.

"I'm not a victim." Inuyasha stated through gritted teeth.

"Now's not the time to be prideful." Hojo chided.

"I may be getting ahead of myself," Miroku spoke, redirecting the conversation back to where it belonged. "But given the circumstances, I highly believe, and agree, you've come face-to-face with our perp before. We can look back into old cases similar to this to discover his underlying M.O.. If we find him quick enough, we may be able to figure out his next move."

"What if he's not in the system?" Sango asked skeptically.

"Then we may be wasting time, but we have to start somewhere."

"According to you, we don't have time to waste!" Inuyasha shot, glaring incredulously at the know-it-all in front of them, his temper teetering dangerously on the edge. "He's getting closer and closer, and we're running on guesses!"

"You, yourself, suggested he knows you. We have nowhere else to begin, Inuyasha, so why don't we go with our gut?" Miroku responded sternly. The half demon preferred to be in charge and, at this point, just about everything was out of his hands. The more time they spent talking, the more frustrated and antsy he was bound to get. It didn't take a psychiatrist to figure that much out. Inuyasha wasn't the stoic, mysterious person that he tried so hard to be. He was as easy to read as a children's book. He was a hot-tempered, fast-paced, stubborn guy that too often bit off more than he could chew.

"Anything ringing a bell that can give us an idea where to dive in?" Hojo asked from his corner of the group. Inuyasha shook his head, inhaling deeply to quell the building flames in his abdomen.

"Nothing recent, that's for sure."

"Alright, well we'll get to it. Try to keep yourself busy in the mean time." Sango hopped down from the desk, leading her partner down the hall to Totosai's office to discuss their current plan of action.

It was hard to tear his eyes away from the photos taped to the whiteboard, and even harder not to rip them down. It pissed him off that someone brought Kagome into the mix just to get to him. There were too many pre-existing, conflicting emotions involving her in the first place, and the fact that this bastard decided to reopen that door just to antagonize him had him rightfully furious. Looking at the evidence, feeling powerless when it came to her wellbeing, and annoyingly dumbstruck as to who could possibly be behind all of this made the anger so much fucking worse.

Just who the hell had he managed to tick off this time around?

"Have you considered taking some time off?" Miroku asked, stepping in Inuyasha's line of sight, intentionally blocking him from the snapshots. Koga moved closer, as if silently suggesting he supported the thought.

"No. What the hell would that solve?" He crossed his arms to harden his stature, regretting the motion. Surely, the doc would read that as him guarding himself or some other equally pathetic evaluation.

"Maybe there's something you'd be better off doing at home as opposed to sitting here growing frustrated with a case you can't touch."

"I'm better off here." Inuyasha said resolutely, giving a final, deadpan stare and walking away, semi-effectively ending the conversation. Miroku, being smart with his fancy, expensive degree, got the hint. He'd caught the slight shrug from Miroku's shoulders in his peripheral vision before he headed to Totosai's office, joining Sango and Hojo. Unfortunately, it took stronger hints to get through to Koga, the wolf demon following close behind Inuyasha on his way to his station.

"Yeah? On desk duty?"

"I need to be here in case anything happens. Psych boy can't probe my brain if I'm sitting on my ass at home. The more accessible I am, the higher chances we have at getting this shit handled as quick as possible."

"Alright, I can get that. That's actually pretty smart of you, but I know that's not the real reason behind it."

"Oh, yeah? You gain some mind reading powers recently?"

"Please," Koga grunted, rolling his blue eyes over dramatically. "I've been your partner for too long not to know the basics about you. If you were at home, there'd be nothing to keep you busy and you'd end up obsessing over the case. You'd grow restless and then begin to conduct your own investigation, which would not fly under the radar because you don't know the definition of subtlety. Thankfully, and surprisingly, you're intelligent enough not to risk the consequences given the circumstances of involvement."

"Hey, you'd be in the same fucking position if Ayame was in danger!" Inuyasha growled, infuriated by Koga's nonchalance.

"You're not wrong. I'd want answers just as much as you do and it would piss me off when I couldn't play a hand in getting them, but I'm at least bright enough to see the blessing in disguise here."

Inuyasha groaned, pushing papers and files around his desk to make it look like he was suddenly busy, hoping it would be enough incentive to send is partner away. "Not everyone can be as infuriatingly optimistic as you, wolf."

"Jesus Chris, has anyone told you how stupid you are, dog breath?"

"What-"

"You can actually protect Kagome now! If this were your assignment, you'd constantly be up shit creek for ignoring protocol and personally seeing to Kagome's safety! Kagura and Totosai are trying to prevent Internal Affairs from getting involved, which is a pretty big fucking deal!" His partner slammed the drawer shut, nearly catching Inuyasha's fingers and grabbing the attention of the entire office. "At the same time, they're doing you a favor. Now you can legally step in; you don't need backup with you twenty four-seven to cock block. You can do whatever the fuck you want that doesn't involve touching your case. It's obvious you'll be kept up to speed on it. You'll know one way or the other what's going on at all times. No one here is against you! Why the hell is this so hard for you to understand?"

"Shut up! You don't see the bind I'm in right now! I can't help my own investigation unless called on, and I can't play bodyguard to someone who doesn't want anything to do with me. It's a fucking lose-lose. Don't act like you haven't noticed." Inuyasha seethed, reeling his voice in but keeping the growl evident.

"Oh, I've noticed." Koga's voice came off rough, deep, hardly hiding the hint of amusement behind it. "How about you use this new-found free time to handle your shit?"

"How about you learn how to mind your fucking business? She told me the other night she doesn't want my help!"

"First of all, when has that ever stopped you? You're the most persistent guy I know. Second, here's an idea, and it's wild so bear with me: fix it!"

Inuyasha groaned, rolling his eyes. He makes it sound so fucking easy.

"Say you're sorry."

"Butt out. Don't act like you know what happened."

"Alright, so tell me."

"No."

"Seriously, own up. What did you do?"

"Back off!"

"What'd you do, mutt face?"

"What the fuck is your-"

"What'd you..." Koga paused, his mouth still agape, his eyes slowly widening as some sort of belated epiphany hit him. Finally, an exasperated laugh left his lips, making him come off more crazy than annoying for once. "Wait, woah, wait. I knew I remembered her name from somewhere. A few months ago you were stressed and angry and all kinds of mopey. You kept checking your phone, and I remember seeing her name one time when I peeked over. I can't believe I'm just piecing this together now!"

"Koga!" Inuyasha growled dangerously.

"Man, I remember that like it was yesterday! I've never seen you come so close to puppy eyes in my damn life! You were the epitome of pathetic! There's no way you were only friends with benefits!"

Inuyasha stood up straight, facing Koga and stepping in to size up, his shoulders squaring as he hardened his stance while the wolf demon made no moves away, their height only separated by an inch, though Koga's demeanor made him seem a whole foot taller. The cocky fucker even wore a sly grin on his face.

Then the curve of his lips faded away, landing in a placid, flat line, all traces of amusement vanishing just as quickly as they'd arisen. Koga mirrored the half demon's determined glare, speaking in a low, gruff tone that would only bite at Inuyasha's sensitive ears. "You want to protect her, then do it. You want to be with her, then fix it. You want to get this guy, cooperate. Don't act like the sky is falling and you're the only one the pieces are landing on. You're a fucking detective. You solve problems for a living. If you're going to be high-strung in the office, expect everyone to give you a hard time. All it's telling us is you can't handle the stress, and you've got no business here. If you don't want to be with Kagome, hey, that's cool too. There's one less thing you've gotta do. You've got options. You've got a brain. Utilize it and trust us for once."

The Coffee Shop

Kagome stared down at the letter envelope placed nicely before her on the small, square table, following the path of the pale, calloused fingers that pushed it her way, over the thin-skinned, veiny hand hovering just above it, up the sleeved arm and over the broad shoulder, her perturbed gaze connecting with the slanted, violet eyes of a man. He smiled as if they were old friends meeting up in the cafe after arranging the plans weeks in advanced. As Kagome opened her mouth to say something, he raised his brows and cocked his head, cutting her off before her voice could slip.

"Let's not cause a scene." The man pulled out the chair opposite Kagome, sitting down and scooting forward, propping his chin up as he slid the envelope closer with his free hand. "That's for you. I suggest a smile. Don't want to tip anyone off, do we?"

Kagome had stiffened, justifiably both confused and uncomfortable, her brown eyes shifting to the side to see if anyone was looking. Not a single soul in the cafe was paying them any mind, bodies bustling around in the busy rush of the morning. Still, Kagome complied, giving a wane smile as she revisited the man's fierce stare.

"Do I know you?" She asked, taking the envelope from his fingers and picking it up, palpating the paper to feel the contents within. It was hard to determine exactly what she held, but it definitely wasn't a love letter.

"No, but I know you." His smile never faltered, his pale cheeks turning a dull shade of pink from his pinching smile, amusement shining through.

"I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and guess that you're not about to tell me who you are." Kagome grimaced, unable to keep up the facade. Her heart was pounding with the amount of nerves building up in her chest at an alarming rate. Obviously he was a threat with the way he told her not to "tip" anyone off by looking anything other than pleased, which was enough to instantaneously spike her fight or flight, the latter looking to be more satisfying. Kagome willed herself to calm as much as possible, telling herself that reacting negatively would only make matters worse. This had something to do with her stalker case, she was positive about that much. What she wasn't sure about was whether she was sitting a mere foot away from the culprit, himself, or if this was his errand boy.

"You're good at this." He chuckled. "He didn't tell me you were so smart."

Errand boy.

"That's probably because he doesn't know anything about me other than what he's seen in the pictures he takes. And these are..." Kagome waved the envelope around by the side, the weight of its contents bending the paper back and forth.

"Your guess is as good as mine." He shrugged, seemingly even more amused than before. He leaned back a bit, too comfortable for her liking, his stark black ponytail resting over his shoulder before he flicked it behind. "I also wouldn't get too confident with that theory. From what I've heard, he knows you pretty well, and your friend even better."

Kagome swallowed hard, looking from the envelope to the man before her and back down to the envelope, decidedly sliding it back his way along the table. "I don't want it."

"Not my problem." He said, sliding them back to her. "I did my job."

"You know, you're pretty ballsy to approach me this way in public."

"Yeah, yeah." His lips actually twitched downward for the first time since he'd invited himself over, rolling his violet eyes as he leaned forward and propped his forearms on the table, his shoulders sinking minutely. "You gotta do what you gotta do. I don't think you're dumb enough to make a scene right now, because who knows what'll happen if you do, and by the time you tell the police I'll be long gone. What harm will some over-pixelated security camera footage do compared to the lunatic watching my every move?"

"You don't have to do his bidding. You could turn him into the police right now and-"

"What? Your little detective friend will keep me safe?" The smile returned. "Because you're so safe right now?" The man laughed, intensifying the sickening feeling in the pit of Kagome's abdomen.

"I'm not afraid of him, Kagome. I'm not the one that needs saving." He continued, cocking a brow at her as he studied her pinning expression, leaning further over the small table. She was trying to make it illegible, stone cold, hoping her eyes would somehow fog over so he couldn't get anything off of her, but by the taunting grin he wore, she could tell it wasn't holding up. "You're afraid, though. Aren't you? The dark circles beneath your eyes tell me you haven't been sleeping very well. I don't think it's all that fair that you're suffering alone like this. You know who I think should be even more afraid than you are?"

The man rose from his seat, readjusting the hoody over his shoulders just as a barista called Kagome's name to let her know her coffee was finally ready. He looked to the counter where the sleeved, to-go cup waited, then back to her, flashing one last unwelcome, thin-lipped smile. "Inuyasha."

Before she could gather her wits, before she could find her voice and ask what he meant, the man walked away, the slightest hint of flamboyancy in his step. The notion yanked at Kagome's insides, twisting and pulling, a clammy sweat dotting her hairline as she processed everything. While it was recently discovered that he was more involved than she'd initially presumed, she still didn't know to what degree. Was it a game, or was this guy solely out to destroy Inuyasha's life?

And here she was making matters worse by acting out, being selfish, only concerned about herself and what she was going through, making sure to push the ill feelings toward the photos of Inuyasha to the back of her mind while she tried over and over to justify the way she reacted the last time she saw him- no matter how awful she felt for it. How could she claim she hated seeing him on the receiving end of this and then actively shut him out? Where had her compassion gone? No matter what took place between she and Inuyasha in the past, it didn't change the fact that they were being hunted down by someone. The both of them. Together. Yet, when it came down to it, when the opportunity was presented for them to help each other, she turned him away without a second thought. She wanted nothing to do with him when all he wanted to do was ensure her wellbeing.

Inuyasha wasn't just the victim of this ongoing, slow burn attack. He was the victim of her stupid, wounded pride and the onslaught of malicious feelings she refused to control.

Even after the events that ended whatever unspoken relationship they had, Kagome could admit Inuyasha deserved better.

She sat and waited, watching the man make his way through the unknowing crowd and exit the double glass doors without looking back at her, taking most of the dense air he'd suffocated her with along with him. Then she forced herself to move, her muscles feeling as unsteady as they would after a rigorous workout. She stood from the wooden chair, hesitantly taking the envelope with her, gently pushing through the crowd around the pickup counter and snagging the large cup with her name on it. To be honest, she didn't even want it anymore, but she knew that if this was the way her day was starting off, it was best to get as much caffeine in her system as soon as possible.

Even though she'd shoved the envelope deep into the confinements of her purse, she could practically feel it burning a hole through the cheap material, heat seeping through her jeans and irritating the skin beneath. Her fingers itched to get it opened and over with, to see what sort of snapshots she'd been rewarded this time around, but there hadn't been a good opportunity just yet. Kagome was standing at the entry of her classroom, holding the door open as her students filed in, having barely made it to work on time. Her purse still dangled over her shoulder, coffee in one hand while the other hand was held out to give high-fives to the children on their way inside.

"Hey, are you okay? You seem a little out of it." Her teaching assistant asked as Kagome shut the door.

"Yeah." She quickly dismissed, waving to push the notion aside. "I've just had a hectic morning. Would you mind leading their warmups while I get a few things situated?"

Ayumi agreed with a happy nod, pulling the talkative kids' attention her way to gather around the circular area rug as they finished shoving their belongings into their respective cubbies at the back of the room. Kagome left her to it, parking in the seat behind her desk and fishing the envelope out of her purse, using her nail to peel up the corner of the glued flap before shoving her finger through to rip the top open. She was eager to get this done, eager to see how much messier things were about to get, and then baffled when she saw the contents weren't even remotely close to what she was expecting. She flicked through the multi-colored polaroids without fully taking them out of the envelope. None of the pictured women and children looked familiar in the least. The photos seemed aged, naturally discolored, and the people in the images dressed in out-dated fashions. Every single one of them were candid and taken from a close distance, an occasional shoulder getting in the path of a clear shot. She guessed these were from the late eighties to mid nineties by the way the women presented feathered or crimped their hair, flared out the ends of their bob cuts, or purposely kept thin strands free to frame the sides of their face from the tiny butterfly clips decorating the tops of their head.

But why did she receive these? Was it a coded message of some sort? She flipped through the photos again, checking the backs of each one to see if anything was written. Nothing.

Great.

It had to be a clue. A clue meant for the police, because obviously she was going to hand it over. This guy was having so much fun playing his sick, maniacal game that he was even willingly giving information to S.V.U. to help them out, using as many messengers as necessary in between. It seemed Kagome was officially a messenger.

Although it was only a theory, it was the only thing that made sense. Why else would she be handed pictures of total strangers from over a decade ago? It could be a sign that they'd gone through the same thing she and Inuyasha are currently dealing with. Maybe even worse considering children were involved. Or, it could be something to completely derail them. Either way, she needed to show these to Inuyasha and the others. She needed to tell them she was approached by a lackey and give them the description she'd been repeating in her head to make sure no details were forgotten. She needed to get through the day with the best smile she could conjure up, get her work done, then make her way down to the police department, animosity with the half demon be damned.

No one would be able to tell where her head was if she had it her way. She could handle this. This was the hand she'd been dealt, so she had no other choice. Her life may have been turned upside down, but Kagome wasn't about to allow it to fall apart.

She waved to the few students that shouted goodbye as the last of the parents showed up to retrieve their children, traveling out of the open gate after locking up her classroom, and heading the exact opposite direction from where she lived. She kept her head down, hoping her thick, wavy hair was enough to hide her face from any curious photographers, camera clicks practically echoing in her ears. Kagome had to remind herself it was all in her head. She was being paranoid. She was under a ton of stress, so feeling this way was to be expected. She'd seen enough Law & Order to learn a thing or two, and no matter what kind of level head she attempted to maintain, she was no exception to the side affects of victimization.

The front of the building was busy as she walked up the front steps, slowly hopping up a few before standing aside and waiting for a policeman escorting a handcuffed, half-dressed woman by the arm to pass through the doors before following through, herself, quickly scouting out the directory to find which floor the Special Victim's Unit was on.

Third.

She jumped in an elevator, squeezing in with four more people and pressing the button to her destination, politely ducking out as the ding indicated they'd arrived. She wasn't nervous about reporting what had happened; she was eager to do anything that could help end the madness sooner rather than later. Yet, being in the hallway just outside their propped, double doors, getting closer and closer to entering with each step made her feel unbelievably anxious. Suddenly she wasn't so sure she could go inside or not. It was only a few days ago that she'd told Inuyasha to leave; that she didn't want, nor need, any help from him. Now, here she was, dragging her cheap boots through the halls of his domain, semi-ready to give a brief, in-person statement so that he would help her. It was that annoying pull talking again, the one that always wanted to see Inuyasha, creating an arena for her conflicting emotions to battle it out in.

The worst part of it all was she didn't know what to expect once she made it through the doorway. Was he going to blow her off? Jump up to see if she was okay? Light up like he always used to? Touch her like she found herself craving so badly in the middle of her sleepless nights? Good lord, she was being ridiculous. Eye-roll worthy, even for herself. What right did she have to feel this way? What right did she have to hold a grudge on him in the first place, and then throw it all in his face when he was trying to help? This wasn't her. She had the prerogative to be upset about everything taking place, even what he'd done to her all those months ago, but she was usually capable of handling things in a more mature manner; "usually" being the keyword.

To say she was a mess was an understatement. Kagome was a walking drawing done by a toddler, lines and scribbles decorating a page, dancing all over the place but the ends never meet to join.

This wasn't the ideal predicament to reconnect with someone, anyone would agree. Nor did she particularly want to reconnect. At first. The more she regretted her blow out, which increased by the hour since that night, the more she found herself wanting to work on things. Maybe it was just the sense of vulnerability that was getting to her. Maybe she felt isolated, and it was wilting her defenses. Or maybe she'd just come to her senses and understood that they didn't have to be friends, but they could reasonably work with one another until they got this pervert off the streets and behind bars. Whatever the case, she acted like an ass and she'd have to make it right. Or as right as possible at this point in time.

Her chocolate eyes wandered over the large, busy room, searching for the familiar head of silver hair that always gave him away, disappointed when he wasn't in plain sight. Her stomach was doing baby flips inside of her abdomen, light but still enough to make her feel unsettled. She thought maybe if she saw his reaction to her showing up, any reaction at all, she'd be able to gauge the damage she'd done.

She'd been having a long, dramatic, troubling battle with herself over the past few days about whether he actually deserved an apology or not. She was stressed beyond belief, but she never found that to be a good excuse to treat someone poorly. He'd hurt her, yes, but that still doesn't make it acceptable to react the way she had been. They were best friends before she'd kissed him. They were inseparable before Kagome fell hopelessly in love. Then things went to hell and it was over. Even though she'd cut off contact with him, he never used it against her or budged from her case. He did more than he was required to do; checking in one time with a coffee, rushing over when she called in the middle of the night, offering to help her get her home back together or even guard her as she slept. As unnecessary as it all was, it was still nice and mildly comforting.

He deserved it. He deserved better. She was being a brat.

"Hi, excuse me." Kagome stopped a young man in uniform, holding her hand out to gently touch his upper arm and grab his attention, but changed her mind last minute and flinched her fingers back just as he faced her. He gave a small smile, the dimples in his cheeks sinking inward. "I'm looking for Inuyasha. He's a detective here, I think."

"He's out at the moment. Is there something I can help you with, ma'am?"

"Oh. I just needed to talk to-"

"Miss Higurashi? Is something the matter?" Kagome couldn't help the slight jump her muscles gave, turning to see Hojo walking over to join at the officer's side. He wore a kind smile, almost charming enough to be reassuring, his blue eyes dulled by shadow and coming off as a calming grey.

"Not really. Well yes, but it's not all that urgent."

"What happened?" Hojo reached out, giving a firm squeeze to the edge of her shoulder. The entire time she'd had it in her head that Inuyasha would be the one handling whatever information she had, given the circumstances and their connection. As pathetic as it felt, she wasn't mentally prepared to speak to anyone else. If he wasn't even in the building, though, it wouldn't be practical to sit on it. She had pictures in her bag, a possible piece to the puzzle if she were thinking positively, and just a small moment ago she thought she was perfectly fine speaking about it. Of course, that was under the pretense that she knew who she was speaking to. Now all she felt was hot and nauseous and discombobulated.

"I, uh..." Kagome paused, willing the words to the surface of her tongue. "I met someone working for my stalker this morning. Our stalker. When do you think Inuyasha will be back?"

Hojo's eyes grew a little darker with the slight shift his head gave, his lips sinking downward into a serious mode she didn't imagine he had.

"I'm not sure. Come on over to my desk, Miss Higurashi. Let's talk."

"B-but shouldn't we wait for him? He needs to know this too, doesn't he?" She was nervous. More than nervous, but she didn't quite know what the emotion was called. Her palms were beginning to sweat, and she was trying to distract herself from the uprising, tingling agitation in her chest by chewing on her bottom lip. She thought she'd be in her comfort zone with someone she knew. Now she was about to give this information to someone she'd only spoken to on one occasion, and this entire situation was too foreign to make sense anymore. She just wanted one source of familiarity so that she could gather herself. Even if he was mad at her, it didn't matter. She just needed Inuyasha in the room. He could sit on the far side and mope for all she cared. So long as he was there, she'd be okay.

"I'm sorry, I thought he would have told you... he's not on the case anymore."

"Oh." Kagome hoped the surprise wasn't evident on her face. "Why not?"

Hojo hesitated, his mouth opening to respond, the corners twitching upward as he thought of something to say. "I probably shouldn't be the one to say. What I can tell you, though, is it's been reassigned to Detective Sango and I. We'll take care of you, Kagome. I promise."

He left the case. It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on her, shocking her heated nervous system. Inuyasha up and left her case. Apparently, when she said she didn't want his help he took it to heart. He'd taken himself out of the equation entirely, leaving her, their, situation to his coworkers. Maybe this was what she deserved, but she couldn't stifle how abandoned she was left feeling.

"Would you like something to drink? Coffee? Hot cocoa? Water?" Hojo led her to his desk at the far end of the large office, rolling a free chair over for her to sit in at the side.

"N-no thanks." Kagome shook her head, slowly squatting into the padded seat he offered, trying to fend off the emotions that, as of right now, were completely irrelevant.

"Miss Higurashi, I don't want you to be afraid to talk to me. I'm here to help just as much as Inuyasha would be. Even more so, considering the circumstances." He said, taking his own seat and scooting an inch closer, pen and notepad already at his fingertips. He may have been trying to make her feel better, but wow, salt in the wound. Kagome ignored the jab, knowing that the detective meant well, and willed herself to work with Hojo just as she'd decided to do with Inuyasha. "So you think you met someone in acquaintance with your stalker? What do you mean by that?"

"Someone approached me while I was waiting for my coffee this morning. The way he talked made it pretty clear he was an employee."

"How so?" He asked, looking over as Sango silently joined them. She smiled at Kagome, gesturing for her to go on as she leaned against the desk on the other side of Hojo.

"He kept referring to another man, saying things like, "He never told me you were so smart." and, "...He knows you pretty well, and your friend even better." He said his job was to deliver an envelope, and that was it."

"Okay," Hojo scribbled some words on the small paper of his notepad. "Start from the beginning. What happened?"

"I was sitting off to the side while I waited for my coffee, and he comes over, slides me an envelope, and tells me to smile so no one would grow suspicious."

"Where do you get your coffee from?"

"A place called The Coffee Shop. Unoriginal but close to home."

"I've heard of it. He never gave you a name?"

"No. Nothing. Not his name or his boss's."

"What was in the envelope?"

"Oh!" Kagome reached for the small pouch still slung over her shoulder, shifting it to sit on her thighs as she opened the zipper and pulled out the creased paper, handing it to the detectives before her. "Here. There's pictures inside. At this point, I really didn't expect anything different."

Hojo opened the top of the torn flap, pulling out the small polaroids and sifting through, his brows twitching together, but not deep enough to create any wrinkles. Sango leaned in, taking the pictures Hojo was finished with and looking them over, her brown eyes scouting over the photos in the same manner Kagome imagined she looked when she'd received them.

"Do you know these people?" Sango asked, struggling to peel her sight away from the photographs.

Kagome shook her head in response, her shoulders raising in a small shrug but never lowering as the tension held her still. "My only hope is it's a hint of some sort?" The unsurety of her words rang through.

"You let us worry about that." Hojo said reassuringly, handing the remainder of the pictures over to his partner and grabbing his pen once more. "Would you mind telling me what he looked like?"

"He was... pale." She breathed, willing her body to relax a little. This was what she'd rehearsed all morning and afternoon. "Violet eyes. Pointed ears. Long, black hair pulled back in a ponytail. He smiled a lot, like he thought the whole thing was funny."

"What was he wearing?"

"Jeans. Black jeans, I think. He had on a plain, grey shirt with a navy hoodie over it."

"And have you ever seen this man before?" Sango asked, cocking her head to the side, the bangs that framed her temples shifting off her skin but keeping their blowdried curve.

"No. At least, I didn't recognize him."

"Did anything he say stand out?"

"It all stood out to me." Kagome admitted. "I remember our entire conversation. He called whoever he's working for a lunatic, taunted me a little, and said Inuyasha should be even more afraid than I am."

Both of the detectives' faces contorted in dismay, but before they could say anything, Kagome continued. She could feel herself slowly beginning to crumble under the weight that had been piling on over the weeks, her chin quivering from trying to keep the evident frown on her face under control. "I don't know what he meant, and he left before I could ask. You know, things were bad enough when there was one guy following us around, but now he's got people running his errands for him. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, but for who? I know this guy's face, but he could always employ someone completely different next time around. Or maybe even do some of the work, himself, and I wouldn't even know." She paused, trying to gather herself, looking back and forth between Sango and Hojo, trying to find an ounce of the strength she would have seen had she been looking in the hanyou's ember eyes. When she couldn't, when she realized she was reaching for something unfeasible to attain, she felt her aggravation flair. "I don't understand what's going on, and I'm sick of not knowing! Do you have anything new to tell me? Anything at all? Have I done something to attract someone's attention? Is Inuyasha involved because of me? What reason does he have to be more afraid? What did I do!?" There it was. Her breaking point was in her line of vision, not too much further ahead. For so long she'd been trying to rationalize with herself, and she finally realized that was impossible to do when nothing made sense; when the puzzle had too many pieces and everything was quickly becoming more and more complex.

"No, Kagome," Sango was quick to cross from the other side of Hojo, kneeling in front of her as if to meet her at eye-level, her warm hands firmly grasping her arms just above the elbows. "Listen, it is normal for victims to blame themselves, but the reality of it is this is no one's fault but the perp's. He's targeting you and Inuyasha for reasons that are his own and his own alone. While we don't have answers yet, we're gonna figure this out? The both of you will be just fine."

Reluctantly, Kagome nodded in acknowledgment, not fully convinced but still unexpectedly comforted by how much Sango seemed to believe her own words.

"You think Inuyasha would allow anyone to come at him without giving it back ten fold?" Hojo half-joked, leaning against his desk, one shoulder raising higher than the other with his posture. He had a point. She shook her head in response.

"Is there anything else we should know?"

"No." Kagome said, grabbing her bag and gently letting it hang as she rose to a stand so that the weight of it wouldn't jerk down on her shoulder. Sango followed her lead, releasing her hold as they grew taller. "Thank you, guys. Sorry about- uh... that."

"Don't worry about it." Sango disregarded with a wave. "We've seen worse. Can we give you a ride home?"

"Oh, no thanks." She declined, reeling herself back in and smiling delicately. "I don't live too far."

#inuyasha #kagome #Kagome Higurashi #inukag #Inuyasha fanfiction #Inuyasha fic #inukag fanfiction #inukag fic #in between #akitokihojo #my writing #chapter 3

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justimajin · 5 years

Text

In the Making of: Catching a Case of the Doctor Blues

I’ve decided to create this post because I feel like a lot of my writing energy has gone into this series and there’s tons I can share about the making process. So huge warning ahead, this is going to be a long af post.

To make sure that this runs by smoothly, I’ll be breaking the process up into sections and talk about them each one at a time so it doesn’t look like a mess of words. I’ll be focusing on:

The Initial Idea

The Title

The Characters

The Overall Series

Alright let’s get it!

The Initial Idea:

The original story was going to be a whole lot different compared to the final end product. It wasn’t even for Taehyung or a doctor au to begin with and was actually suppose to be for Yoongi. It was going to be an office au with the same base storyline - two workers that start off as enemies but are secretly childhood friends that fell apart while growing up. Now I know what you’re thinking, how did this turn into a doctor au?

The biggest reason I had for not giving Yoongi this role (am I casting director now? lol) was because I had just finished up His First Love and didn’t want to write two Yoongi series in a row (I apologize Yoongi stans). However, the characteristics of the role really suited Yoongi’s personality and then I was stuck in the dilemma of who else I could use for this particular story.

After lots and lots (and lots…) of thinking I decided on using Taehyung. I haven’t really seen a lot of writers portray him this specific way and wanted to give it my best shot since I believe there’s a lot of heavy focus on that silly playful side of his. Might be because of fanservice, I dunno, but I really do think Taehyung is a lot more serious and smarter than he shows.

Now this brings me to the second point - the doctor au. Honestly this story could have worked just as great if it was an office au but I was coming onto the realization that it wouldn’t be enough with the base storyline. I wanted this series to be emotional and have loads of development so there had to be interrelation of work also within in it. So I was stuck in a rut. I want this to be a long series but needed something that keep the series going and not turn out to be boring.

I ended up stumbling on a picture of Taehyung with glasses (I believe its the same picture used in the moodboard) and it kind of just clicked like: omg A DOCTOR AU *frails my arms around like a crazy person* and from there I knew exactly what I wanted this series to be.

The Title:

Just thinking about this is already giving me a headache again. This part was probably the hardest to think of as I am about to go through the various titles I had come up with and how I ended up incorporating an illness metaphor in the end (wow i’m so smart now aren’t i?).

The first title gives me the most cringe - Doctors Don’t Cry. This title was actually stuck onto the series for the longest time and the more I looked at it the more I knew I had to change it. It was supposed to represent the message of doctors having to do their job but also dealing with their own emotions at the same time (which Y/N’s character is based on). Sounds like a solid idea, but that title? Yeah, no.

So Doctors Don’t Cry went into the trash and I started researching more, eventually landing onto The Doctor Switch. Supposedly this is a technique taught to doctors and it helps them restrain their emotions when dealing with patients. I thought it sounded really interesting and connected well with the story, but ended up dropping it since it sounded confusing (as in the ‘Switch Part’ could be interpreted as a literal switch which would make no sense).

Then I called it Taehyung’s Series out of frustration and that definitely meant I needed a title fast. So soon I decided on Doctor Blues - cute and simple without cringe and without confusion. However my punny side wasn’t loving it as much because it sounded too simple, so I finally got the title that I use now. PHEW.

The Characters:

Now this is the part I could just go on and on about. So once I finalized I was going to write the series I needed to figure out what my characters were going to be like. I’ll start off with Y/N and Taehyung.

Since this was going to be an enemies to lovers au, I did some research on that trope to understand it more. One of the biggest things I saw was that usually there’s some kind of reasoning for the two characters to hate each other and this aspect later on fixes itself so that the characters can grow closer. In simpler terms, I needed a solid reason for them to hate each other. In order to do this, I thought about the struggles doctor have to face on a daily basis and separated two main themes required for the job - logic and emotion.

Y/N would represent emotion and Taehyung would represent logic. Both of them would be professional and extremely good at their jobs (enemies to lovers also dictates they have some similarities) but their morals/values would conflict with each other. This was my focus in the beginning of the series with Taehyung not involving himself with any emotional situations while Y/N takes every opportunity she can to get involved. Y/N doesn’t like Taehyung because he doesn’t have an emotional side to him and Taehyung doesn’t like how Y/N gets so invested with patient care when they only need to logically fix the problem.

Let’s get deeper into the characters now shall we? Their past is a crucial part to the series and its plays a key role in developing them into the people they are in the present day. Y/N and Taehyung both grew up in Daegu, both were part of loving families and both were living peacefully as kids. Although Y/N’s mentioned to have health issues, she finds support towards it because of her childhood friend. However, both characters face loss in an extreme way. Y/N loses her mother and is forced to move away with her aunt, leaving V behind, and Taehyung loses his entire family in a car crash and then loses his home.

Now when it comes down to a horrible situation like this, its important for the person to have support from those around them. Y/N had this support in the form of her aunt and her friends during college. I don’t remember where I put this but when Jimin is feeling down because he isn’t sure how to confess to Chaeyoung, Y/N reminds him of the time he took care of her when she was missing her mom which showcases how even in hard times she had those around her supporting in some way. The same can’t be said for Taehyung. He was faced with similar circumstances but didn’t have anyone he could lean on (the only person really being Y/N but he was unable to talk to her after everything that had happened). This entire scenario reflects on them when they’re older as Y/N is more emotional (because of past support) but Taehyung is more logical (because of a lack of support).

An aspect I also tried to incorporate was as Y/N and Taehyung got closer and eventually became a couple, their younger personalities would slowly emerge out more. Y/N was described as being a lot more shy + quieter while Taehyung used to joke around + laugh a lot. In the present day, this got translated into Y/N constantly getting embarrassed with the relationship and Taehyung playfully teasing her about it.

I also tried to use their names with the character development (for the longest time all you can read is Dr. Kim and Dr. L/N). This was just used to signify how they strictly kept a professional relationship and didn’t want to associate beyond that in comparison to the rest of the staff in the hospital. But eventually this evolves into them using their names around each other more comfortably. It was also supposed to help with this wonderful equation:

V (Tae’s younger happier childish side) + Dr. Kim (Tae’s older cold strict side) = Taehyung (a mix of both).

Alright now that I’ve gone on a whole essay about the main characters, I’ll dabble into our lovely side characters. I wanted to add in the rest of BTS to this series because in the past some members would always get left out and I would feel bad because of that. So I decided to split them like this:

Head Doctor/Surgeon: Namjoon

Doctor/Surgeon:Y/N, Taehyung

Doctor: Jimin, Yoongi

Intern:Jungkook, Jin, Chaeyoung

Patient: Hoseok

I just copy and pasted that from my outline (made it a whole lot easier to track everyone that way). I’ll just go in order of talking about them. So starting off with Namjoon, he was originally supposed to have a lot more going on but I decided to tone it down a bit because I needed to balance out the other aspects of the series. Basically Namjoon was supposed to have a wife with whom he runs the hospital with and she was going to be someone Y/N would look up to and admire. Later on when Namjoon takes a leave from the hospital it’s actually because his wife is due soon and he wants to spend some more time with her. If I had more time I would have gone through with writing this but I ended up deciding not to.

Moving onto the other doctors, I needed some comic relief. I needed someone to be dramatic and hilarious when things got too serious and everyone just needed a good laugh - so this is how Jimin came to be. His relationship with Chaeyoung, his bond with Jungkook and his friendship with Y/N + Yoongi all came along with this and I honestly think he was my favorite character to write about. Yoongi became the other doctor and Y/N’s close friend when I felt bad about not writing this series for him. I also thought his personality would work out well with her personality since both are very calm and are constantly annoyed by Jimin lol.

Jungkook and Jin came along because I wanted to write some jinkook bickering for the longest of time and their age gap worked perfectly with them both being interns (cue Jungkook teasing Jin about not being a doctor yet). Chaeyoung was added because apparently this hospital has only one female worker employed...so yeah that needed to be changed. I wanted to add more female characters but there was already so much going on and keeping track of all them was like mission impossible. Hoseok exists because sope lives on he added more onto the emotional part of the story.

The Overall Series:

I’ll be straightforward and honest with my answer - planning this series out was a true nightmare. There were so many important events that needed to take place and it needed to flow properly so you wouldn’t look at it and go like ‘what the actual heck is going on right now?’. That was a huge challenge. Especially when I originally thought that 10 chapters would be enough for everything and god, I couldn’t have been even more wrong about that.

Looking back now, I’m pretty satisfied with the end result and how the slow pace actually managed to work out the way I wanted it to. I was able to balance out all the different genres too which had me worried since I couldn’t just transition from a sad scene to a funny scene abruptly - balance was definitely key.

After having huge doubts and going through this rollarcoaster of a series, I’m happy with it. I even think along the way both me and my readers ended up enjoying this series a lot more than I had expected, so thank you for that.

#alright im done #this took longer than expected #i hope someone reads this giant thing #and if someone does then let me know if you guys want to see more of these #with any of my works #in the making

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