just saw a goat in the park???

Women's freedom of movement and freedom to cycle have been at the heart of feminism for 130 years

And men know this. And that is why they harass female cyclists. They want to intimidate us and keep us from claiming our freedom through cycling.

The most recent counts by the City of Portland estimate that only three out of every 10 bicycle riders are women and the gender split hasn’t budged since counting started in 2006. In east Portland, the City tabulated just 17% of all bike riders as women. As we ponder the reasons for this disparity, a survey has revealed one factor that’s causing it: the high rate of demeaning interactions and aggressive behaviors some women experience while riding.

A survey conducted in February by nonprofit BikeLoud PDX asked women to describe the worst or most common incident of abuse they’ve experienced while cycling. A shocking 311 out of the 329 women who answered that question reported some level of traumatic incident. The woman who led the survey project, Cathy Tuttle, analyzed the results and found that 229 respondents experienced a Level 3 Trauma (swearing, honking, catcalling, rolling coal, etc), 53 experienced a Level 2 Trauma (deliberate close pass, tailgating, menacing, etc), and 29 experienced a Level 1 Trauma (hit and run, throwing projectiles, aggressive stalking, etc) — the most severe category of abuse.

The vast majority of these aggressive behaviors came from people driving cars. Respondents said 88% of the aggressors were in cars, 7% were identified as homeless people and 5% were other bike riders.

In a summary of the survey results made public Monday, Tuttle shared several examples of the responses. I’ve pasted a few of them below:

A man screaming “get the f*ck off the road” repeatedly while I was cycling on a low traffic route downtown, revving their engine constantly and pulling up too close behind me. I finally got off the road, shaking and crying and called 911. The dispatcher told me there was “nothing we can do, it’s not illegal.” She didn’t want me to report the behavior, even though I had the license plate.

I had a driver stop to tell me that I needed a rear bike light so they could see me. I didn’t respond so the continued to verbally harass me. When the light changed they followed me and kept trying to yell at me. Eventually I came to park and biked into it so they couldn’t follow me. I was scared to bike for a while after that.

A woman yelling out her (passenger) side window “hit the bitch” after I pointed to the stop sign that they were rolling through when I had right of way.

Tuttle also included a longer response from someone who took the survey that is worth reading (edited slightly for brevity):

After he physically threatened me with his car, and after honking, I was told by a man, “I’m going to kill you the next time I see you” while I was biking — legally — on a typically busy (but not at all busy right then) 3 or 4-lane one-way road that has no cycling-specific infrastructure and doesn’t see much bike traffic, but which was at the time a crucial connector that I needed to be on to get across a freeway without going extremely far out of my way…

He didn’t yell it. He said it slowly, deliberately. I’ll never forget it. It wasn’t inflamed reactive rage; it was a slow, methodical, simmering threat. He looked right at me. I can still hear it many years later: I’m going to kill you. I’ve had men in SUVs and trucks deliberately swerve into me, almost, but not quite, hitting me more times than I can count. This is a cross-Oregon problem, in urban, suburban, ex-urban, and rural areas, all of which I’ve biked in extensively. I’ve been called a dumb c—, a stupid b—-, and other misogynist slurs, again, more times than I can count. I’ve also been treated to yelling misogyny from male street joggers, who run in the street against traffic all the way to the side of the road, right where cyclists typically are… This is weirdly common in Portland, and they are often very rhetorically and even physically aggressive. I’ve also been in collisions with street joggers, and their dogs, and I, the cyclist, have always been the more injured person, so it’s a real problem actually. I’ve encountered groups of 3 men jogging with 2 or 3 huge dogs who are taking up literally the entire street and are very aggressive when confronted with a cyclist — me, one woman — trying to get to work. Once I was biking to work in Portland with a male cyclist who was behind me, and a truck deliberately swerved into me at a high rate of speed to threaten me or worse, and the man who was biking behind me chased the driver down and yelled at him because he saw it all happen in a way I did not have the vantage to and he was pissed. The truck driver was likely annoyed by my male companion, who he encountered first, but didn’t do anything. Then when he encountered me, he became enraged and deliberately tried to intimidate me by swerving into me. If anything had “gone wrong,” I’d probably be dead now, due to the speed of the driver. Still have a pretty visceral reaction to light blue Leer-brand pick-up truck toppers to this day because of this decades-ago incident. None of these described incidents are rare, aberrant, unusual, or even, really, worthy of note anymore, but they’re the specific ones that come immediately to mind with no thought at all, but that are representative of a whole problem. They happen ALL THE TIME, for seemingly no reason often. The misogyny comes out almost immediately, reflexively. I feel that if a female cyclist doesn’t preemptively display deference to motorists — of any sex, but especially male — they will be targeted, and if we’re assertive, then all the more so. But cyclists need to be assertive to be safe. Male cyclists too often seem like they’re not our allies (aside form the aforementioned male cyclist — this was actually a rare instance in my experience). The dismissive ‘male glance’ is real, on the bike as in all of life. I can distinctly recall men realizing another cyclist (me, almost 50) is behind them, at a red light or whatever, and looking back, only to discover a woman who is older than he is, on a not-interesting-to-him bike, with no interesting blingy gear on it, and have him turn away, barely able to acknowledge I was there at all. What was he expecting to see? A sexualizable object young enough to be worthy of his attention? Men are far more sexist than they can admit. As many jobs become more gender-integrated, men find new ways to assert their male supremacy. There seems to me to be a distinct strain of “biking everywhere with no infrastructure makes me a man” in the Portland bike ecosystem and it’s detrimental to a lot of folks, not just adult women. We live in a deeply sexist society and misogynist backlash to feminist gains is observantly real across both dominant culture and most if not all subcultures. Women already experience this whether they have the interpretive lens to see it or not. Many women I know just don’t want to be extra-burdened by the physical and emotional danger of biking routinely for transportation, because they’re already burdened enough in a way men just aren’t.

The responses to this survey give us all a lot to think about and should add urgency to create a better cycling environment in Portland.

Tuttle based her survey on one conducted by the Women’s Freedom campaign in London. She said after hearing similar responses to their survey, bike advocates in London built an entire campaign around it with rides, petitions, letters to city council, etc.

What should Portland do to address this problem?

— Read the survey summary here.

I got home from Greece late on Monday night. Highlights of the rest of my trip,

Hiking 10 km along the caldera in Santorini, from Fira to Oia, enjoying views along the way. Eating an enormous waffle covered with Nutella, pralines, and almonds for brunch, along with a scoop of coffee-flavored ice cream, at a restaurant with a beautiful view of the ocean.

Seeing the ruins of the Cycladic Bronze Age settlement of Akrotiri on Santorini, as well as the accompanying museum with artifacts and wall art taken from Akrotiri. I love history.

Visiting the ruins on the sacred island of Delos.

Hiking to the top of an active volcano, Nea Kameni, near Santorini, and then visiting the thermal hot springs in the ocean nearby, sinking my feet into the soft volcanic mud.

Swimming, swimming, swimming, in cold, crystal-clear waters in Mykonos and Santorini. I had never swum in the ocean before and now it is one of my greatest joys.

GYROS! Fresh seafood! Fresh fruits eaten on the beach! The strawberries I ate there are the best strawberries I have ever had. I also ate a lot of gelato. So many good meals with so many amazing views of the ocean.

The trip was wonderful and it really helped with the healing process after all that I've been through in the last several months, especially in April and May. It helped a lot to - not replace the bad memories, because those will always be there, but to add new, beautiful and good memories, to layer on top of the bad memories, keeping them less fresh in my mind.

Lowlights,

Horrible long travel day from Athens back to Minneapolis, featuring getting detained by immigration upon my arrival in DC. Two (white) immigration officials claimed that "I did not look like my passport photo" or driver's license photo. These two individuals openly said that they were not allowing me to pass immigration "because I looked different, because my nose looked bigger, than it did in the passport and driver's license photos." This was the most bizarre and upsetting thing. I was shocked. I've flown out of the country numerous times and never had any issue re-entering until Monday. I was taken to a room and made to wait with no explanation. I texted as many people as I could to let them know what was going on, until I was stopped from using my phone. I was so distraught and almost cried in the room. Finally, a sympathetic (Black) immigration official let me go. It was so scary and upsetting, especially because I was alone, and coming off a 10-hour flight. It really rattled me and now I feel nervous and hesitant to fly internationally again.

I've been stressed af since I got back home. Catching up on work, lack of good quality sleep thanks to jet lag, feeling tired and achy from all the walking and hiking I did on my trip, and anxious because of traveling for work again today. I'm writing this from my hotel room in Iowa, where I am for a work event. I'm traveling again to Denver next Friday/Saturday for work.

I haven't slept through the night through all of May and all of June so far due to stress/grief/trauma/anxiety - only on the few nights I've taken a sleeping aid pill. I'm really hoping I can stabilize my sleep and settle my life down a bit in July.

Malex Fic - All I Want is You

How much fluff can I shove into 1100 words?  The answer is a lot.  I am over the moon about Alex Guerin being canon, and wanted to write something about that.  Michael also has a lot of feelings about being married so this fic is nothing but them continuing to be madly in love.

All I Want is You on AO3

Title from U2's "All I Want is You" because that song fits their marriage perfectly. 

Summary: When they get back from their honeymoon, Michael has a husband and Alex has a new name.  Neither of those things will ever change. 

“Hi honey, I’m home,” Michael yells as he opens the door.

“In here,”  Alex answers back.

Michael follows the sound of his voice and finds his husband at the table, laptop open, working his way through a stack of papers.

“I thought you weren’t back at Deep Sky until Monday?”  Michael asks with a slight frown.  They returned from their honeymoon a few days ago, but both had cleared their schedules for the rest of the week.  Michael had spent the afternoon catching up with Isobel, but otherwise neither of them had left the house.

“Oh, this isn’t work,” Alex reassures him.  He gestures to the papers next to the computer, “Just getting started on the name change.  I’ve got Social Security, VA, MVD, the bank, the mortgage company, utilities, passport.  Once that’s all done I can update my will and other legal documents.”

Just listening to Alex list all the forms overwhelms Michael.  “Can’t you just hack into something and have it all done at once?  Or get someone at Deep Sky to handle it?”

“I could,” Alex says with a laugh and a shrug, “but I want to do it this way.”

“Why?” Michael asks as he sits in the chair next to Alex.

“I don’t want it to just happen.  I want someone to read this form and know my name is changing because I want it to, that this is a choice.  I want them to look at our marriage license and think ‘he must really love his husband a lot if he wants to share his name.’ I want everyone who has to change my name to know how lucky I am.”

Michael leans back in his chair and lets out a breath.  Sometimes he still can’t believe all this is real, then Alex says something like that, and it hits him all over again.  He’s quiet long enough that Alex starts to look uncomfortable.

“I know it doesn’t really matter,” he starts.

“No,” Michael takes his hand, rubbing his thumb along Alex’s ring.  “I get it.”  And he does.  It’s the same reason he can’t stop calling Alex his husband.  He’s said it so much, Isobel had hung up on him twice.  But he can’t imagine not saying it, not telling every person he talks to that he has a husband, not taking every chance he can to remember that they finally got here.  If Alex needs fifty bureaucrats to look at their marriage license, Michael will help him stuff the envelopes.

“Maybe you should send a picture too,” he teases.  “Make sure they know exactly how lucky we both are.”

“I don’t think we need to go that far,” Alex squeezes his hand before pulling away and picking up his pen.

Michael gets up and stands behind him, watching as he finishes the form to update his driver’s license.  He sets it aside and reaches for another stack of papers, but Michael can’t stop staring at “Alexander Manes” written in Alex’s neat, block handwriting.  He looks at the bottom of the page, and Alex’s new signature.  There’s a scrawled “A” followed by a scribble that leads into a large, fancy printed “G.”  The rest of “Guerin” is written in a slanted hybrid of cursive and print, each letter easy to recognize.  Michael traces it with his eyes and wonders what it will look like in a year, five years then fifty.  He wonders when it will be second nature for Alex to sign with “Guerin,” when he won’t have to think about it.

“Hey, can you grab the stapler for me?” Alex asks without looking up from where he’s adding a copy of their marriage license to the MVD form.

“Sure,” Michael clears his throat and heads to Alex’s desk.  As he walks away, he sees Alex turn to look at him, a soft smile on his face.  He looks back because he’ll always look back to Alex.  It’s hard to believe there was a time he looked at Alex and saw nothing but pain and regret for the life they didn’t have.  Now he looks at Alex and sees forever stretching out in front of them.

When he brings back the stapler, Alex takes it with a distracted, “Thanks, babe.”

Michael kisses the top of his head and goes to start dinner, leaving Alex to finish his stack of paperwork.  He sneaks glances at Alex as he cooks, smiling at his complete concentration at the task in front of him.  He probably won’t even notice Michael’s started dinner until Michael puts a plate in front of him.

But Alex surprises him by coming into the kitchen just as Michael turns the heat on the sauce down to simmer.

“Smells good,” Alex compliments him as he passes Michael on the way to the cupboard.  “Paperwork’s all done so I’ll set the table while you finish up.”

When Alex reaches up to get the plates, Michael wraps his arms around his waist.  “No hurry,” he stops Alex before he opens the cabinet door.  “We have time.”

“Oh, do we?”  Alex turns in his arms, smiling into Michael’s kiss.

“Mhmm,” Michael confirms, without breaking the kiss. He presses Alex up against the counter, kisses him soft and slow because they do have time.

He can’t help but wonder if it will always feel like this, like there’s nothing in the world but this. Maybe one day his breath won’t catch when he sees the wedding pictures Isobel framed and placed on their mantel and dresser while they were on their honeymoon.  Maybe one day he won’t find Alex staring at the shadow box Maria made them, filled with the boutonnieres, his mother’s handkerchief, Mimi’s bracelet and the original wedding invitation Rosa drew for them. 

Alex shifts in his arms, trailing kisses along Michael’s jaw and down his neck.  Michael spares a quick thought to turn the stove off completely and slides his hands down to rest on Alex’s ass, giving it a quick squeeze. Laughing when Alex nips his collarbone in return.

Maybe one day all of this will feel ordinary.  They won’t take the time to linger in memories of their wedding day or take the extra time to make sure everyone knows they have a husband and name chosen for love. Maybe one day he won’t fall asleep silently humming the song Alex wrote for them and his last kiss of the day won’t be Alex’s lips against his wedding ring.

Michael doesn’t think that day will ever come because he intends to spend every day just like this one.  Interrupting dinner to kiss his husband in the kitchen and loving Alex with everything that he has.

prompt nancy stole one of robin's big big jackets and found a cassette of her favorite song inside the pocket <3

i see ur wonderful prompt and raise u this fic, anon :)

blue monday (1,249 words)

It wasn’t that Hawkins was snowy necessarily - but it was bitter. Like December came along and crystalized the air. It got caught in your throat on the way in. It hung in the air like icicles. When the calendar revealed a dull ‘December 1st’, thermostats dropped by twenty automatically.

Even worse, Nancy ran cold. Of course she did. At this point, four apocalypses down, she was on the verge of corpselike. Robin would say otherwise. She would say her pale skin, icy cold to the touch, completed her angelic character.

So anyway Nancy wore coats in the wintertime and even late spring, only forgoing them when grass turned from a dead yellow to a lush green. But sometimes her tiny, colorful coats weren’t enough.

Robin had stopped asking whenever she saw Nancy scooping up one of her abandoned jackets (armchair, backseat, bedside table). She ran hot anyway. Nancy stealing a puffer jacket or two wasn’t reprehensible, especially since she looked fucking adorable swallowed up in them anyway. 

There was a scientific explanation for this love, of course - Robin’s natural ability to radiate heat like a furnace meant some of that heat was translated and then trapped in her jackets. Thus Nancy gained both the heat and the ability to show off her girlfriend with one hastily stolen item.

This time they’d both nearly forgotten a wishy-washy promise to meet Steve and Eddie at the diner for late-night breakfast. It’d been ten past nine when Nancy had finally lifted her face from where she’d buried herself in Robin’s neck for a long enough period to check the clock. In their rush to hop in the car and make themselves somewhat presentable, Nancy picked up a Robin coat strewn absently on the floor.

It was her typical one - a brown army jacket that was puffed out at the sleeves and adorned with mix-match patches for a girl-on-the-go. She and Robin loved to pursue the dollar section of antique stores looking for suitable additions to her plethora of jackets - some notable patches including: I’m a Fishing Grandma and My Kids Love Me! and The Slug Of The Month Club. 

Nancy realized dimly, as they raced each other down the tiny cluttered staircase in Robin’s house, that she’d never worn this jacket before. It fit even bigger than any of the other ones, perhaps a hand-me-down from Robin’s dad or some gem found hidden in the back of the Salvation Army thrift.

“How do I look?” Nancy asked anxiously as Robin rushed her out of the house with one hand - the other jingling keys. Somehow she’d managed to scrape out a driver’s license. Whether or not she could actually drive was a different question altogether.

“You look perfect,” Robin promised. She leaned on her open car door for a moment, eyes roving over Nancy in her jacket in a way that made Nancy’s stomach erupt in hot flame. Perfect to beat back the December chill. “You look like mine.”

“You can’t say things like that to me if you want us to get there relatively on time,” Nancy chided. She buried her bright red face in the jacket collar, knowing all too well Robin had seen her face go pink and was smirking to herself in the driver’s seat.

They pulled up at the diner only about fifteen minutes late, practically a record on their part. Steve and Eddie had already gotten their usual table in the way, way back - by a window so Nancy could peer out and watch passerby.

“Look who finally decided to show,” Eddie cackled from under Steve’s careful placed arm, which was posed to seem casual to strangers and affectionate to those In-The-Know (the 2% of Hawkins residents who were queer).

“Shuttaup,” Robin snapped, but she was grinning toothily. She stepped aside with an easy wave of her arm to invite Nancy to get in the booth first. “After you.”

“Thank you, madam,” Nancy fake-curtised, blushing like a fool as she slid in. Robin came in not five seconds after, pushing their thighs together under the table and smiling down at her in a stomach-twisting way.

“What’re you ordering?” Steve asked Robin as he passed her a menu. They only got two - one for each couple. Nancy leaned against Robin’s shoulder as they examined the options. 

“You know what I’m ordering - I always get the same thing,” Robin replied, faking annoyance. 

“Uh,” Steve drifted off, clearly trying desperately and forgetting miserably what exactly she always ordered.

“Men are all the same,” Robin joked, rolling her eyes. As they goofed Nancy’s absent hand drifted down to a lump in the jacket pocket she hadn’t noticed before. Her hand missed the spot a few times before her fingers latched onto a square-shaped object. Her face furrowed. 

Nancy retrieved the object and, keeping it underneath the table in case it turned out to be something super personal (even though she was pretty sure Robin and Steve shared a brain at this point, so it didn’t matter), she turned it over in her hands. It was cassette tape. But her fingers found no familiar wording etched on it.

She pulled it out from under the table and into her lap, bringing the cassette tape into the light. Hastily written on a piece of scotch tape against the cassette was one word in big, blocky lettering: NANCE. 

“Robin?” Nancy asked. Immediately Robin dropped whatever fake argument she’d gotten into Steve over bacon vs sausage and turned to her, eyes wide and beautiful. They dropped to the cassette tape in Nancy’s hands. And Robin’s face flushed a bright, embarrassed red.

“Where did you get that?” Robin asked in a near whimper. Nancy raised a concerned eyebrow.

“It was in your jacket pocket,” Nancy said. “What? Should I be concerned? Is this tape, like, nothing but Weird Al?” Robin laughed self-deprecatingly and shook her head. 

“No, I just never meant for you to find that,” Robin explained softly. “Or. I dunno. I guess I did. It’s just a bunch of songs that remind me of you.” 

Nancy’s heart nearly stopped in her chest.

“That’s the most thoughtful thing anybody’s ever done for me,” Nancy all but breathed. She switched the cassette to her right hand so that her left could drift over and take Robin’s in her own. Their fingers squeezed together and Robin grinned tentatively at her.

“It’s not, like, totally creepy?” Robin tried. 

“No, it’s really-” Nancy laughed, suddenly realizing her eyes had started watering for some strange reason, “it’s really sweet.” She wiped at her eyes a

“What’s really sweet?” Eddie asked from the other side of the table. Both girls whipped their heads up. Oh, yeah. The boys were there too.

“Nothing,” Nancy and Robin said very quickly. Steve and Eddie exchanged a look but Nancy didn’t feel like giving them the satisfaction of getting info - they were the biggest gossips she knew.

“We should listen to it when you drive me home,” Nancy suggested shyly. She tucked the cassette back into the jacket pocket, patting the fabric over it just to make sure it was there. 

“Okay,” Robin agreed easily. She’d agree to anything Nancy said. Nancy slung an excited arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, resting her tired head on Robin’s shoulder to steal some of her warmth. Soon conversation picked up again and Nancy was able to just shut her eyes. Jesus. A whole mixtape just for her. 

The real question was: What was on it?

(what songs do u guys think robin would put on it?) :D

I PASSED!!! THE THEORY TEST FOR MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!

And I got all 30 questions right! 0 mistakes! Whaaaat???

I feel like after my post yesterday yall will start thinking I'm one of those people who always cry "I'm going to fail the exam" and then pass with flying colors lmao. But the practice quizzes I took while I was studying were way harder than the actual test! (I don't know if I got lucky or if they never use those Hardcore Questions anyway but what do I care? I passed!!!) And also, we are all allowed a little insecurity before an exam, come on.

Thank you for your good wishes, they were a true comfort yesterday and encouragement this morning before I took the test.

.

Now that I'm done with both my uni exams and driver's license, I can finally relax a bit. I'll have a nice weekend chilling and knitting and writing on my travel blog and then on Monday I'll start working on my dissertation again. I haven't written a word since June but for these grades, it was worth it.

I also want to get back into yoga and working out. I've been saying for months "I'll do it after exams are over" and now the time has come! So I'll do it!

But right now I just want to have dinner and write an email to my penpal. See ya next week!

"Hi Watermelonsmellinfellon!

I know what it's like to be homeless, especially with this inflation BS. The gist of what I shared was about gig work, specifically UberEats, DoorDash, Grubhub, etc. While the latter two take a while to be approved, UberEats is pretty quick, you just provide a picture of your drivers license and vehicle registration/insurance. I got approved in about 5 days, but some people get approved even sooner. Most of the time you pull up to a fast food/normal restaurant and pick up food that is already bagged up and ready to be delivered. The main thing is getting a insulated bag to hold the food in. Then you drive to the customers address and drop it off. Doing those dropoffs should help you all get money for gas quicker. You can link your debt/bank account for payouts. If you do instant payout it will take $0.85, otherwise there is no charge for automatic payments on Monday's. I definitely recommend looking at YouTube videos under 'gig work', 'First day with UberEats', etc.

Also, another thing that could help you and your family is looking at the Facebook and Craigslist marketplace listings for houses/trailers. I have seen plenty of trailers or rooms for rent for under $1,400. Sometimes even if you qualify for it, the state run programs just can't help, you have to find a place for you, and your family. I also wanted to mention Amazon has a section for submitting your own fanfiction/stories under there Kindle Direct Program (KDP). Pretty much everything is free to use it, you only get charged a fee for selling a story or book. Also, the reviews for books can be kind of brutal.:/

Finally, have you considered using Airbnb? There are many options depending on how long you would like to stay while waiting for a spot to open. I lived for half a year with my mom at a condo by the beach with 3 beds, free wifi, and washer/dryer for about $4-5,000 all together. I don't know where you are in that state, but from doing a quick check I came across an affordable condo in Maryland, Ocean City for $1,427 based on if you checked in tomorrow until 3/18 next year. The guy who is listing it is called Nicholas. I don't personally know him, but on the listing it does say long stays are allowed, free washer in dryer in unit, and 3 bedrooms with four baths. There are plenty of other listings like that as well, I don't mind trying to help you through online searching to find a place you guys could stay. Getting a place this time of year tends to be cheaper as well in the more seaside areas as it's off the 'peak' seasons.

I don't know how to use Tumblr, but I think there's a way to add each other and talk through it? We can keep talking through here if you want. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.O.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was left as a comment on my new fic where I did not even mention that I'm homeless because it's a new fic in a ship that my readers don't care about so it'll probably only be seen by new people who won't give a damn about my personal problems.

I deleted the comment but saved the contents because the intentions were good even if the execution was terrible. And it's also incredibly difficult to maintain composure and a pleasant attitude when you become irrationally pissed off all of a sudden.

One thing that needs to be made clearer. I can't get a job. Why? Mom is too disabled to be by herself for any period of time. And when even Dave cannot get a job because even the businesses around who will look past his knee brace won't accept a P.O. Box and want you to be living in a house with an address, I know I have no chance in hell cuz I'm in the same boat. That's why I started Ko-Fi.

Mom is disabled. She gets benefits from that. With Dave jobless because of his knee, we've been knocked down from a $18K yearly family, to an $8K yearly family. To put it into perspective, to qualify for housing in half of Delaware, their idea of the poverty level is a family of 4(1 child, 3 adults) making a minimum of $25K yearly. We are nowhere near that and because of that, we don't qualify for low income housing.

As for Craigslist and FB, they simply cannot be trusted. We've already done the promised 'meet-ups' and searching through both sites and it's all scams. And Dave falls for every single one and give's mom's phone number to every damn person he talks to and she's gets nothing but scam calls all day long(we know they're scams cuz when she calls back suddenly the number is no longer in service or doesn't exist anymore).

Airbnb is for people who make at least five figures a year. Mom did look into it under Bethy's pleading and for the size of our family and the specifics as well, everything was over $2K a month. Even when she lessened up on specifics, they either stayed that price or listings stopped appearing. We also can't leave Delaware because while Bethy's case worker is no longer hounding us, the case isn't closed yet. Something Dave cannot seem to grasp. We can't leave or mom and Dave will get in trouble.

The Amazon thing seems worth a try but honestly Patreon seems like it'd be easier.

I've already explained the van's condition and so that's out as an option too.

I lost my wallet a few days ago. Couldn’t find it anywhere. I’d checked at the 7-11 by my house which I was pretty sure was the last place I’d taken it out, but the person there at the time said they didn’t see that anyone had turned it in, and I looked everywhere in my apartment, couldn’t find it anywhere. Finally I figured it was lost for good, and I reported my debit card as lost and was planning to head to the DMV Monday to replace my driver’s license and figure out what else I needed to replace. I borrowed some cash from my brother, sending him money through PayPal to get by until I got my new debit card

Then today, I stopped at that same 7-11 to get a couple of drinks, and the cashier was like “Hey, I think you lost your wallet here”, cause I have a distinctive wallet (it has Totoro on it) and I’ve checked out with him a lot of times, so he recognized it as mine, so no need to replace my ID or anything else! Since I’d already reported my debit card as lost, I do still have to wait to get a new one, but that’s just a minor inconvenience (I’ll have to update the things I have autopay set up with ... which I think is just my insurance actually, cause all my other autopayments I’m pretty sure are either directly through my checking account or through PayPal, I’ll have to double check those)

Chapter 6 of Roneo and Kimliet

Chapter 6

(back to the present day, end flashback)

"I had to confine myself to my room for three hours after that. The 'rents and Ron helped me get back on track, though I was grounded for two days because of that grade." Kim muttered.

"Stupid Amanda for taking my role..."

"And it all started with the basic needs of teenage girls...fashion...the whole crush thing..." Ron added.

"Like a 25% sale storewide at Club Banana?" Monique chimed in.

"Right, like that, Monique!" Ron exclaimed.

"Getting back to the ish at hand." Kim intervened, "Basically, Barkin is going to reveal the final cast list on Monday. Once he says the name, it's going to be official. As long as me and Ron do not end up in the starting roles, we should be good to be making at the very least a B on this course."

"I'm with Kim on this as well!" Ron agreed, "If I want to be a tree holding the branches...so be it! Even though it would be hard to get out of when I have to use the bathroom."

"But what would happen if, by some chance the students playing Romeo and Juliet end up getting sick and you were pressed by Barkin to take those roles?" Tara asked.

"The both of us would face major humiliation!" Kim exclaimed. "Based on our previous experiences on the stage that we mentioned before!"

"On a humiliation scale of one to five, one being 'ehh, I'll get over this' and five being 'OMG, I can never show my face at school ever again', where would it rank?" Monique asked.

"A definite five, Monique. We would get showered with neverending jeers and boos! Me and Ron would hide ourselves from everyone, even you two, if that were to happen." Kim explained. "Even Drakken's plan with the blushing thing with the flower would be small pebbles compared to this!"

"So as long as that list outside drama class sticks to the status quo, we should be good?" Tara wondered.

"Yes." came Kim's reply.

Ron felt his stomach grumbling.

"Man...my stomach is calling out...Bueeeenoooo Nachooooo!"

"Ron, we need to wait until the storm passes." Kim replied. "Tara, do you have your driver's license yet?"

"Not yet. I only have my learners permit..." Tara sighed, "I gotta take Barkin's Alphabet Course of Doom, or the ACD for short."

"Ditto." Monique agreed.

"And I can't take out my scooter because it won't work well in the rain." Ron replied as a rumble of thunder was heard.

"So we'll have to contact the 'rents." Kim said, deciding on which course of action to take. She sent a text message to Ann to try and pick them up.

Unknown to them, Ashley B was under her purple umbrella, on the side of the gym, listening to their conversation about Kim and Ron's stage drama.

She smirked as she texted Bonnie.

I have the info I got from their convo. Where should we meet?

To which Bonnie texted back, short and sweet.

My house. The garage.

Ashley B ran as fast as she could to her car in the student parking lot of the school. She opened the door, started up the car and headed toward the Rockwaller house.

(4:25pm, Rockwaller house)

Bonnie was waiting in the kitchen for her friends to arrive. They all agreed that they would meet at 4:45pm in the garage of the house. Connie and Lonnie were, thankfully for Bonnie, not here for they were out of the state. Lonnie was modeling in Hawaii and Connie was at Go University in Illinois.

The Queen was wearing her red croptop with baggy Club Banana dark denim overalls with the left strap hooked and the right strap undone and dangling behind her back. The bib was partially flopped She topped the outfit with giant gold hoop earrings and socks.

Of course, she still had to watch Jonnie, the younger brother of the Rockwaller siblings and whom was 12 at the time. Bonnie liked Jonnie far more than her two older sisters because they both shared a connection with each other.

"Hey, Mom. How are the refreshments coming?" Bonnie asked.

"The chocolate chip cookies should be ready in a few minutes, dear!" Veronica Rockwaller replied while pouring out some lemonade in cups for the incoming teen girls.

"Yum! I always love chocolate chip cookies!" Bonnie exclaimed, "Do you also have the dairy-free oatmeal cookies for Ashley T? You cannot forget that she is lactose-intolerant."

"Don't worry, those will be ready for her as well!" Veronica chimed.

"You're the best, Mom!" Bonnie replied with a smile.

She then saw her dad, Donald Rockwaller, coming into the kitchen. He had his full MPD police uniform on.

"Hey, Dad!" Jonnie smiled from his room.

"Heya, sport!" Donald said with a smile, rubbing his only son's hair. "I'm gonna play catch with ya sometime this weekend!"

"Sounds good!" Jonnie replied. "At Middleton Park?"

"Of course!" Donald replied while adjusting his police belt.

"Hello, Daddy!" Bonnie grinned.

"Hello, my little sweet teddy bear!" Donald replied, while kissing his daughter on the cheek.

"Promise that you will arrest Possible for me?" Bonnie pouted.

"One day, my pumpkin! Once she commits a crime, I will be more than happy to put that menace in handcuffs for you!" Donald grinned.

Both he and his daughter have an equal despisal of Kim and Ron, though in Donald's case, he thought that she was taking up all of his business of taking down crime. Thus, he usually referred to the redhead as a menace helping them escape. He did arrest Ron once for indecent exposure, though Ron had stated multiple times that the nudity was accidental.

Donald then kissed his wife on the lips.

"Promise you'll be back home, Donnie?" Veronica asked her husband.

"You know I will, Ronnie!" Donald grinned, tipping his cap. It was common for the two to refer themselves by their pet names. This was also the reason for their naming scheme for their offspring as well.

Donald left the house as the other girls of Bonnie's group started to gather into the garage of the house. He got in his police cruiser and headed toward the station downtown.

Monday Morning Art

A revisit of this piece (https://www.instagram.com/p/CtJsZ8OuZZR/) from earlier in the summer.

This time with an honest-to-god background that sort of suggests a winter scene. This isn't finished by the way, I've been playing around with Blender's compositor to see what else can I do in the way of adding special effects or doing things like adding bokeh or tilt-shift.

I do have some plans for a Halloween piece that involves 12-year-old Syleth and Rowan in his wolf-form. Yeah it's pretty obvious but it's Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf—though Rowan hardly qualifies as "bad"—I do have a few gags in the prequels where he gets referred to as "Gmork" ('80s kids will get the reference) for the way he acts when being protective of Syleth (or in one instance, her beat-up truck she gets after getting her driver's license, which doesn't have working locks)

On that note, I decided to push my knowledge of cloth simulation in Blender a little more by attempting to model this dress. It was a pain in the ass for the sewing portion—one of which was needing to increase the size of my "dress dummy" model x10, and remember to freakin' enable the gravity setting—don't get me started on that. So many issues in the past that I've had with Blender's cloth sims and it came down to enabling one freakin' check-box.

Yes, the dress will be a freebie at some point :)

I /finally/ got Daz's Dog 8/Dire Wolf morph properly rigged in Blender for that little project—there will be some test renders at some point.

Till next time!

The base for Little Red's (Syleth's) dress.

I am … pissed? Frustrated? Peeved?

For context; I got my license from the Licensing Department last week (I kept getting super nervous during the Drivers Test to the point of failure, so I finally passed the test on Monday, September 18… Still looking for a job.). So I want to drive, but I have this thing instilled in me where you don’t go out somewhere without it being tied to someone else (also feel guilty because using gas to drive myself somewhere just for me is a waste of gas especially since I don’t work/have much money) (my father has agreed to pay for gas, but the guilt of that doesn’t help either)… So I was trying to find somewhere to go that both my dad and I would need something from (even a gas station stop would be nice), but no. Nope, nada…

My sister also lives with us and works until 4 pm. You know what he asked me? “Oh is your sister home?” I love him so much, but also this is not her mission as she is not the one trying to get used to driving alone and trying not to waste gas. So here I am, unable to force myself to go anywhere for the sake of just myself, wanting to choke the very man who instilled the problem in me. And I deal with my sister’s bad sense of direction enough to the point I hate getting/being lost so the concept of just driving and finding my way back is… kind of hated. I just… want a reason to drive, that’s all.

Monday September 26, 2022

Jeju Island: Woljeong Beach 

Today we made the journey to Jeju Island, the second of our four Korean destinations (Gyeonju, Jeju, Busan, Seoul). 

In the morning we packed up at the mini hotel, Stephen walked over and got everyone tickets in advance at the bus station (a good thing because the 8:40 sold out and we were able to get tickets on the later of our two options, the 9:20), then we walked to get breakfast at McDonald's. Gil and Matt met us from the nearby GG hotel because they forgot to make their mini hotel reservations through Monday. Breakfast was pretty divine, between the two of us, Stephen and I had a hallabong (local citrus fruit) slushie, chicken and cheese McMuffin, hash browns, hot cakes, and coffee. Josh and Alexis joined, and after eating we all picked up our bags from our hotels and walked to the  intercity bus terminal to wait outside for our ride to Busan, where we’d then transfer to the airport to fly to Jeju. The bus was super nice bus with reclining leather seats and foot rests, curtains for the windows. It was a quiet hour ride to the bus station in Busan, followed by a short, Stephen-led walk to the train station, luggage in tow,  and finally two stops on the metro to the airport. 

We had an easy, in-person check in for Jeju Air (except I got called back to the luggage security area because I left too many lithium batteries in my bag), and ultimately nobody had to pay extra despite a few of our bags being over the advertised 15 kilo weight limit. While we waited at the terminal, Alexis sipped on a sweet potato latte, I tried some grapefruit soda, and after queuing to board in an organized manner, we were all seated at the back of the plane together. It was a quick, hour long flight to Jeju Island, most of which offered ocean views and as we approached Jeju a vantage point of the entire island. Although not large, Jeju is home to Korea’s tallest mountain, Hallasan, which occupies the middle of the island with coastal cities to the north (Jeju City) and south (Seogwipo). The Jeju City airport was outrageously busy, it was probably the most chaotic and claustrophobic feeling place we went to in Korea.

While the others waited for our baggage, Stephen and I got started on the car rental process. With the help of Kheumhee and Davis, I had rented us a 9 seater Kia Carnival minivan from a korean company, Lotte Rent A Car. We took a shuttle from the airport to their Auto House, where it was busy but streamlined, especially since we were the only group in the “foreigners” line. (They make it difficult to book from abroad because you have to use a Korean system of payment, hence the help from Kheumhee). 

While the check in was easy, it turns out a 9 person van is just a regular minivan with an extra fold down seat where the trunk (aka luggage!)  space would normally be. I think the pit of our whole trip was realizing were were going to have to fit 7 grown ass adults and their luggage in a 7 seater minivan. With Stephen’s international driver’s permit (which you can get at an AAA with your regular US driver’s license), he can’t operate larger 12 seater vans per Korea’s rules, so we were stuck with what we had. It was a good thing that the majority of the car was full of engineers because it certainly took some tight tetris-ing to get arms, legs, bags inside the vehicle. Although cramped, the car was a nice kia carnival otherwise and we made the 45 minute drive to our first destination, Wolji Beach, without incident. 

Overall, the speed limit on the island feels ridiculously slow, with so many speed bumps and 30kph school zones through otherwise agricultural areas growing citrus fruits. We found out Stephen actually got a robo-ticket at one point, which he paid upon dropping off our rental car at the end of our trip. 

Wolji Beach was a cute little beach town, I picked it as a lunch stop given it’s proximity to the Manjuggul lava caves. Unfortunately, we arrived mid afternoon so most restaurants were between their lunch and dinner hours. Matt and Devin bought some croissants at a bakery then we found a very small but trendy place open with only 4 menu items, all served on wood slabs: a hamburger, a pasta dish, American brunch, and French brunch plates. We were hungry so didn’t deliberate, and it ended up being pretty good if not a little pricy compared to most eateries. Of my brunch plate, the rosemary potatoes and roasted eggplant were the best part.

here’s a list of things that went wrong this weekend so i can’t gaslight myself in the future into think that “it wasn’t that bad” or that i’m “being overdramatic” when i call it the worst couple of days of my adult life thus far:

before

• i had either really bad allergies or a small cold the week leading up to the flight (but after mcr) so i’m severely congested which doesn’t make the flight fun

•i almost passed out from the stress of anticipation… but like ooooh honey, you’ve got a storm coming

friday

•we left like 45 minutes late bc of the winds in vegas and bc of air traffic

•we couldn’t find the airbnb for a solid 15 minutes

saturday, day of wwwy

•my sister loses her drivers license the first time, so we spend 20 minutes looking for it and stressing about lyft possibly showing up before we find it (she found it and her debit card in her makeup bag)

•lyft shows up to take us to the hotel we were staying in the following night, she loses her if a second time on the walk from the door of the airbnb to the car. it fell out of her pocket. so we book a lyft back to try to find it again but we think someone probably picked it up. this is the start of some major problems

•on the drive back to the hotel, we see the fest has been canceled for day one

•my sister gets in contact with groupon, starting at 11am to try and modify the reservation and put my name on it so we can use my identification to check us in. they tell her to expect an email “SOON” with confirmation that it’s changed. it isn’t until 3:30pm that someone tells us it could take up to a week for the email to arrive

•we see if we could fly home that night. flights are at 6 and 7pm, but we don’t feel comfortable enough to book those bc of the loss of driver’s license problem. we were told you’re supposed to arrive 3 hours before the flight for tsa shit. so let me reiterate in different terms: had any of the SEVERAL groupon representatives told us even 30 minutes earlier about how long the email could take we could’ve flown home THAT NIGHT. so we scramble to book a different hotel for the night

sunday

•we get to the airport at 8am, our flight is at 12:16pm

•tsa takes her (and she takes my wallet??) i wander aimlessly around for 45 minutes, unable to buy some stupid entertainment or food

•they release her. it’s almost 9am, we kill time until noon.

•flight is delayed an hour and they move us from gate a to gate b, all the way across the airport.

•we kill more time, no one know where the flight crew is

• we finally board about 1:30 (two hours after original boarding time)

•we sit for 30 minutes before they tell us a nonessential part of the plane is broken after de-icing twice, but they’ll check if everything else is legal and safe for flight

• another 15 minutes, the deplane us, and move us back to the gate a side (?????)

•another 15 minutes: “hey folks, flight is CANCELED and our next available flight is friday” entire gate laughs at the audacity. the give us $200 vouchers + flight refund, supposedly FOR THAT NIGHT, but it doesn’t actually come through until today. two days later. and they refuse to help us get on another flight

•bc of the driver’s license situation, we scramble to to look for other flights because we can’t definitively leave the airport until we know we’re not taking a flight bc they told her they won’t let her back through tsa

•we also can’t rent a car bc i can’t drive. but i have a lightbulb moment and suggest amtrak. the idea takes, so we scramble for a second last minute hotel room

monday

•nothing went terribly wrong other than our bus started running an hour behind after we got into california, which turned a 10 hour trip into almost 12 (not accounting for the 2 hour trip home i still had to take after we arrived in my sister’s city)

-i’m writing this all down bc my body has only just now started to decompress and process 4 days of constant stress, so i started to cry a little bit and i needed to remind myself it’s okay bc i did go through a lot bc i kept vaguely tweeting about it on twitter and it sure people thought i was being over dramatic bc the silly little festival fucked us over

October 2022 Part 2 

As I am on the phone with the 911 dispatcher, and trying to explain I could be losing my baby right now.... police showed up and then the firefighters was coming and I wanted to leave to get to the hospital and kept telling the dispatcher I need to leave, but I didn't want to leave the scene of the accident. I tried to tell the officer, but he wanted my driver's license and registration and insurance, so I provided everything to get going. At this time the pain started to get more intense, my body was getting into fight or flight mode because I had an accident before with my youngest daughter, overall just a overwhelming and scary experience. The police found out that my DL expired literally 2 days ago Saturday 10-15 on my birthday and did not want me to park the car into the parking lot. They did not want to help me or help the situation any better. I kept asking the officer's where are the EMTs and ambulance. They were like "we have sirens and lights right now". I felt the blood and pressure in my abdomen and did my best to hold everything because I did not want to lose my baby.

Firefighters showed up first and just surrounded the area. They got basic information from me, my name, and how far along I am, primary doctor, vitals. Then the police were asking for my niece's information, super rude by the way, cause she had no identification on her. Well, duh she doesn't drive, she has a state ID and passport, but not usually needed to have on hand going anywhere within city limits. Within the state of California really.... no drinking no drug use, had seat belts on, clean driving record, no previous citations or tickets or driving violations. And my license expired over the coarse of the weekend. It was literally Monday. Police wouldn't have known about the DL if it wasn't for the accident I didn't even cause. Only that I needed medical attention.

Finally the ambulance and EMTs showed up minutes after everyone was showing up and did the same thing with vitals and basic information. Everyone was talking about my expired license, my previous service in the Army, and the need of medical attention. I kept telling everyone and pleading to let me go to the hospital but PD didn't want to let us go. I didn't understand what the hold up was considering I gave all the information needed and that I was not driving or anything and I can have someone pick up the car instead of having it towed. It didn't make any sense delaying my medical care.

Finally EMTs were able to get the green light and load me on the ambulance and they even went our their way to bring my niece instead of leaving her stranded on the side of the road. As soon as they were about to close the second door, they were stopped by an officer who claimed they were going to give me a card. I thought it would be quick a card with a case number on it and the name of the police officer in case I needed to get in contact with them. 5-10 minutes pass by and everyone is mad at this point and the police officer comes back with my citation of my expired license. And instead of my car being towed away or picked up by a family member, the fireman was kind enough to drive my car to the hospital. So, I signed the citation just ready to go; to leave. I was so upset, mad, sad cause I wanted to save my baby, but I knew deep down it was already too late because I felt everything "leaving" at this point.

Truly grateful for the firefighters and EMT who truly were the heroes during this incredibly stressful time in getting me to and in the hospital. They really took care of me. And I super appreciate the nurses, techs, lab phlebotomists, and the doctor for showing me the utmost courtesy and respect and care upon arrival, during, and throughout discharge.

Anyway, long story short everything was super fast and I was able to give a urine sample and ultrasound and at this point it was around 5:30 PM. I called 911 at 2:55 PM. When I gave the urine sample was when my whole life fell apart. I was staring at my baby and it's remnants in the toilet. The urine sample was saturated with blood. I felt bad on whoever had to do the urine dip. I fell apart in my brothers embrace.....as much as we were joking and trying to laugh, I was literally dying inside. From the pain and from the loss and just from the experience.

Summarizing the next couple of hours, Dr. told me he couldn't find the baby. I didn't mention to him the baby was flushed down the toilet so when he told me that my HCG levels were still faintly showing a positive pregnancy, the ultrasound showed no sign of life, at this point in time, it registered to me I was no longer carrying a baby. I was diagnosed and discharged with a threatened miscarriage and a UTI. Different providers can tell me anything they want, but I know why I lost the pregnancy. It wasn't because I was 1 out of 3 women; it's common to have a incompatible pregnancy. I lost the baby due to stress, illness (stomach flu), over working (2 jobs and constant care of a 5 and 4 year old at home), and finally the accident. It was a multitude of events that led up to my miscarriage.

Angelica and I left the ER at 7 PM or so.......and started my journey to recovery....physically, mentally, but most of all emotionally. I miss my baby already and I just regret not seeking medical attention sooner. Not at least, being able to measure and take an ultrasound picture of my angel baby; estimating 5 weeks 5 days gestation.

I will miss you forever my little one. You didn't stay with mommy long and wasn't able to meet your sisters who were eagerly waiting for you. Just know you were wanted and you're loved. God has bigger plans for us I guess and I will leave it in His capable hands. We love you bug. Say Hi to our cousin J-Raxx up there and continue to warm our seats in heaven. I'll do my best to stop crying.

life update. 🍅

I moved.

Tbh I didn’t think it was possible because I’m no where near financially stable to live out on my own, but I managed to move out of my Dad’s house. Now I’m living with my aunt’s in the next state over (up?) about 40 minutes away from where I used to live.

Moving to another state has been a pain in the ass. I haven’t had a chance to change my tags over yet on my car, but I have my new driver’s license. The people at the DMV were incredibly pleasant as opposed to the people at the DMV where I used to live who acted as if they had a stick up their ass 24/7. I still work at the same place. The 30 minute commute as opposed to my 15 minute commute is annoying, but I wouldn’t move back.

My father’s wife hates my siblings and I. She made my Dad’s house suffocating.

Since living with my aunts, I’ve never felt more at peace. I’m still trying to get into the swing of things—their house is still a mess since they just moved in on top of having gotten married two months ago. It’s been a whirlwind of a year for them.

My cats love them too! Well, Lillie does… Luke’s just a big baby who is scared of his own shadow. He does enjoy his treats though, and my Aunt Wendy loves supplying him handfuls.

The only thing I miss about my old place are my dad and the dogs. We’ll be getting a dog or two soon though, I hope. I cannot wait!

Aside from my move, I just recently found out yesterday that I got the job for the hospital position I applied for! It’s SUPER exciting but also SUPER terrifying because I absolutely hate change…and one major change after another is enough to send me spiraling into a panic attack.

I managed to find the courage to tell my boss today that I found a full time job. I kept repeating ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ as if it were somehow my fault for wanting to improve my life. I value so much how people perceive me and what they think about me. But he calmed me down and told me that there was nothing to worry about, that he was glad that I accepted the position.

I’ll be breaking the news to my favorite pharmacist tomorrow.

My final day will be November 11th, and then that Monday I’ll be starting orientation.

I’m scared, but that’s just first day jitters.

I’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.

Other than those two things, I don’t really have much else to say. I don’t have a computer anymore which sucks, but I’m hoping to get a laptop this holiday and maybe a new desk…

Um.

I’m also watching Demon Slayer. It’s the first anime I’ve seen in maybe 2-3 years…? I really like Tanjiro’s and Nezuko’s relationship. They’re THE best siblings since the Elric Brothers. ❤️

Anyways ~

If you read this, I hope you have a wonderful night / day :]

Me: *sees another tutorial for Figma but this time it's 10+ hours long*

Me: *wanting to be in good shape when applying to these jobs, crying* yeah okay then...