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yandere-writer-momo · 4 months

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Yandere Baki Short Stories:

The Hardest Route

Yandere Jack Hanma x Afab Reader x slight! Yandere Katsumi

Yandere Otome Game Au

If one were to tell Jack the phrase, “to be loved is to be changed,” he would have laughed in their face. Love? What was the point in such a silly emotion when all he craved was strength?

It was why he constantly pushed (your name) away. She was a strange woman who randomly appeared one day like a plague. A face that was he had never seen before until recently. A stupidly pretty face always stood before him with a big smile on it. (Your name)’s eyes were filled with stars and her words were always sweet like candy. Jack couldn’t stand her… and not just because the other fighters hovered over her like helicopters.

“Did you eat today? I made you a meal.” And (your name) constantly brought Jack sustenance as if he were a child. Jack was not incapable of taking care of himself. He was just fine…

“Haven’t I told you to leave me alone?” Jack grumbled when his stomach loudly rumbled. How did she know whenever he was hungry?

(Your name) frowned but still handed him the meal. “I know… but I still want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. You often lose yourself in training-“

“I don’t need you to tell me how to live my life.” Jack pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He didn’t need her to chide him. Jack was a grown man capable of his own decisions no matter how self destructive they were. “What is it about me that interests you? I wouldn’t be a good lover if you were interested in such things. I train myself to the point of incontinence so unless you have some weird piss kink-“

“Heavens no!” (Your name) blushed at her outburst. “No… my philanthropic efforts are not to try to attain your heart.”

Why did (your name) speak like a college professor? Jack didn’t know big words like that but he was able to piece together what she meant to say. She didn’t love him or harbor a crush on him? Then what was she after?

“Then why do all these things for me? I’m a lost cause, a slave to my desires-“ Jack froze when she wrapped her hand around two of his fingers. His heart stopped for a moment when she gave him that signature sunny smile.

“You are always alone so I thought you might need a friend.”

A friend… a friend?! What on earth gave her the idea that he was lonely? That he was some weak creature that desired the company of others? No. Jack didn’t need such luxuries.

“I don’t need a friend. I don’t need anyone.” Jack snatched his hand out of her gentle grasp, his cinnamon eyes narrowed in a nasty glare. Friend? There was no way she wanted to be his friend. He could see the desperation behind her kind eyes. She must have a crush on him. “So just leave me alone.”

(Your name) gave Jack a sad smile, her eyes filled with pity. “If that’s truly what you want, then I’ll go. Can you at least promise me one thing?”

“I don’t know why you think you’re in a position to make promises with me, but if it will get you to leave, what is it?” Jack snarled like a beast, his large arms crossed over his muscular chest. The heart bar only she could see above his head still stuck at a measly ten percent. Why was he so hard to get through to?

“Can you take care of yourself better?“

Take care of himself? What the hell did that mean? Did (your name) truly believe him to be so pathetic?

“Sure.” Jackie huffed. The blonde turned away from her and began to walk the other way. “Good bye.”

(Your name) stood in her spot until Jack’s silhouette was completely out of sight. Her heart clenched a bit in her chest, but she felt a wave of sadness wash over her.

Maybe one day, Jack would be able to accept love. She needed his affection in order to go home but he was impossible to romance. Jack was mean and stubborn like a bull. (Your name) would have more luck romancing a brick wall than Jack Hanma.

(Your name) would give him his space for now. Maybe he’d come around eventually?

If she would have turned her head, she would have noticed a certain stalker suitor smiling from ear to ear at the news he just heard. He finally had a chance to be alone with her again…

“Hey, (your name)!” (Your name) paused on the street and turned her head in the direction of her name. She quirked her brow at the exuberant karateka that jogged after her. What on earth did Katsumi want? She had just recently spent time with him yesterday…

Katsumi gave her a big, dopey smile once he stood before her. The taller man excitedly rocked back and forth on his heels.

“Did you need something, Katsumi?”

“It’s kind of late and I was wondering if I could walk you home?” Katsumi asked (your name) with a big smile that nearly blinded her from its brightness.

Katsumi wasn’t wrong about it being late, but she found it a bit odd that he was in this area seeing that Shinshinkai was about fifteen minutes away from here… but Katsumi was in casual clothes so perhaps he had business in this area?

“I wouldn’t mind. It is starting to get dark.” (Your name) adjusted her jacket on her body which alerted Katsumi.

Katsumi shed his flannel in an instant to wrap it around her shoulders. The Japanese man’s chocolate eyes filled with adoration for her. The heart bar above his head practically glowed a bright shade of rose red.

Katsumi had been the easiest to ‘romance’ in this ‘game.’ And he was also the sweetest… sweet to the point it gave her cavities.

“Thank you, Katsumi.” (Your name) gave Katsumi a warm smile. She wrapped the warm flannel tight around her body, the comforting scent of oranges and clean linen significantly reduced her nerves. Katsumi always smelled so good…

“It smells just like you…” (Your name) giggled at the karateka whose cheeks were the same shade of cherry red as his flannel. “I kind of needed a bit of sweetness today… I really appreciate you and how sweet you are, Katsumi.”

Katsumi nearly flew to the moon with how happy he was to hear (your name)’s appreciation for him. He loved being sweet to her! Katsumi loved her so much!

(Your name) was surprised when Katsumi shyly took her hand in his, his thumb tenderly massaged the back of her hand. “Let’s get going, okay?”

(Your name) smiled at Katsumi. The two walked hand in hand together towards her home.

A week had went by since Jack had last seen (your name). And it irked him more than he thought it would.

Jack knew he had told her to leave him alone but he didn’t think she actually would… she was too stubborn to give up on him.

Jack loitered in his habitual areas and waited for her to show up. Jack missed her smile and the little meal in her hands… he missed her warmth.

And so Jack found himself in search of the strange, sunny woman who had kept him company over the last few months.

It took another week for him to find her but he caught a glimpse of her at the tournament. The giant slowly tailed after her when he saw that back of her pretty head- pretty? Why did Jack think she was pretty? Strange.

Jack felt himself freeze when he saw (your name) in conversation with Atsushi Suedou and Kiyosumi Katou. Since when did she associate with the karatekas?

Jack hid behind the corner to eavesdrop.

“You used to hang around Jack Hanma a lot, we wondered if you’d ever look at poor Katsumi’s way.” Suedou sighed, the giant man crossed his arms over his chest. “Katsumi has it bad for you.”

“Katsumi is a very nice guy. And he does spend a lot of time with me-“

“Then date him. He’s a hell of a lot better than that asshole-“

“Sure Jack can be a little rough around the edges, but he works harder than any of you!” Jack drowned out everything (your name) said after that. He never had someone defend him… hell, Jack never had someone care about him before. (Your name) care about him?

Badump. Badump. The blonde placed a hand over his heart as it wildly hammered in his chest. What on earth was this feeling?

(Your name) sighed once she realized she had raised her voice a bit. She sheepishly smiled at Katou and Suedou, the young woman bowed her head a bit at the two. “Apologies for my outburst, Katou. It’s just… I just admired him and his work ethic was all, it wasn’t romantic-“

“If I was a man who had a cute girl lingering around me with homemade meals, I would’ve assume she had a fat crush on me.” Katou stated. “And everyone knows Jack doesn’t have an affectionate bone in his body. He has the emotional capacity of a rock.”

(Your name) waved the two men off who kept trying to speak ill of Jack while simultaneously talk up Katsumi.

(Your name) rounded the corner and almost collided with Jack in her haste.

“Oh, I didn’t see you Jack-“ (your name)’s eyes were wide in shock at how the heart bar above his head was now at a whopping seventy-five percent. How on earth did his romance bar get that high?

“It’s been awhile…” Jack managed to grunt out, the giant held out a hand for her. “Would you… like to go for a walk before my fight?”

(Your name) quirked her head at the ginormous blonde. This man, who had desperately wanted her to leave him alone just a week ago, now wanted to spend time with her? She was so confused… but she couldn’t waste this opportunity.

“I’d like that.” (Your name) wrapped her hand around his two fingers. The smaller woman walked side by side with him. “Have you been well?”

“I’m a lot better now that you’re here.” Jack answered with utmost sincerity. “It was strange without you.”

(Your name) was a bit shocked by Jack’s confession but she smiled warmly at the giant tsundere. Perhaps her efforts were not in vain?

“Then do you want to be friends? I can try to come see you more often.”

“Yes.” Jack’s deep voice rumbled out his answer. He stopped in his tracks to bend down to her height. Jack couldn’t find the words for the feelings he felt but he knew he wanted her by his side once more. He enjoyed her company more than he had thought.

(Your name) smiled at Jack who struggled to speak, her hands squeezed his fingers. “Then we’ll hang out again, okay?”

Jack finally noticed how delicate she was compared to him. Her hands barely fit around his pointer and middle finger while her eyes stared up into his. How could someone be so dainty?

“After this tournament, I want to take you out to eat to makeup for everything.” Jack blushed a bit when he realized he just asked her out on a date. A date… his heart fluttered at the thought. The two of them would be on a date.

(Your name) gave Jack a sad smile. “I can’t tonight, I’ll be with Katsumi.”

Jack felt his jaw clench. Katsumi… why Katsumi? Didn’t she like him?

“Oh… then what about tomorrow?” Jack asked in a hushed voice. He felt his confidence buckle a bit.

“Tomorrow should work.” (Your name) smiled warmly at him which made his heart flutter.

“Then tomorrow it is.” Jack was a bit terrified of this sudden change but at the same time, it felt freeing.

Jack felt out of place at the restaurant he usually frequented now that (your name) sat across from him. He was twice her size…

“Are you a regular here? The waiters seem familiar with you.” (Your name) made an attempt at small talk with Jack, which soothed the blonde.

Jack nodded his head, his cinnamon eyes transfixed on (your name) who wore a dress. She truly treated this like a date and that made his heart flutter.

“You’re usually a little more vocal, do I make you nervous?” (Your name) giggled at Jack who clenched his fists. “I don’t bite.”

It took everything in Jack not to say, “I do.” The blonde felt uncharacteristically shy due to her presence. The weird feelings he felt were amplified by how close they sat together.

(Your name) noticed how his romance bar steadily rose up. Who knew Jack could have a shy side to him? She wondered if he was a virgin…

(Your name) studied Jack in thought. He was massive, had bad posture, scars all over his body, titanium teeth, and was quite standoffish not to mention his dedication to his goal of strength… so he probably was a virgin. Yet despite his rough exterior, he was also attractive in a rugged sort of way. He had a nice facial structure and he was strong. Jack’s dedication to his goals was like no other so (your name) couldn’t help but be slightly attracted to him.

Jack blushed under her heavy gaze. His cinnamon eyes checked his reflection in his glass to make sure there wasn’t food on his face. There wasn’t anything on his face… Jack took a sip of his water in thought.

“I think you’re handsome.” Jack nearly choked on his water at (your name)’s compliment. Handsome? She found him handsome?

(Your name) was shocked at how fast the heart meter above his head shot to one hundred percent. His cheeks a rosy red and his palms sweaty. Who knew someone as stoic as him could get flustered?

“W-what makes you say that?” Jack felt hot under her scrutiny. His heart wanted to leap out of his chest and into hers. Did he… did he have a crush on her? Is this what love was? If so, it was terrifying.

“You have a nice face structure and I really admire your determination.” (Your name) smiled warmly at Jack. “You’re just a really admirable man.”

(Your name) smiled when Jack’s hand swallowed hers. He was careful not to crush it as he tried to calm his beating heart.

“I… I think you’re stupidly pretty.” Jack replied with flushed cheeks. It was hard for him to compliment her. She was too good for him. She deserved a man who could take care of her and Jack knew he couldn’t offer that… not like Katsumi could.

“Thank you, Jackie.” (Your name) chuckled with a soft smile on her lips. Jack was adorable… but then she realized that the game should be over now.

She had successfully romanced all the options… so why has she not been transported home yet?

If she would have looked up, she would have noticed the loving expression on Jack’s face. The blonde giant was absolutely smitten with her… he was utterly devoted to her.

Jack was willing to get between her and the other fighters… he noticed the way they stared at her and he didn’t like it one bit. Jack didn’t like the competition and he was especially not the least bit fond of Katsumi.

Katsumi tried to get (your name) to be his every single day. To the point he recruited the members of his dojo to try to whittle down (your name)’s resolve to remain friends. And some of the karatekas were unnecessarily flirty with her… and it disgusted Jack.

She put all this effort into being close to him so why should she be with someone else? Why would she solely give him a nickname? Jack was sure she loved him.

“I love you…” Jack muttered under his breath, his cinnamon eyes filled with boundless admiration for the young woman before him.

“Did you say something? I didn’t quite catch that.” (Your name) tilted her head at Jack who made a face.

“I said you’re making a weird face.” Jack turned his attention back to the bones in front of him to eat. Why did he always say the wrong words? He was such a tsundere…

Jack didn’t want (your name) to be with anyone other than him but he knew he may not be the healthiest option due to his dangerous lifestyle… but he’d protect her. Jack would keep (your name) safe if she asked him to. May god have mercy on whoever tried to harm her.

(Your name)’s presence had changed the entire storyline and now she must lie in the bed she made.

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shesjustanothergeek · 3 months

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His Love

|Aegon II Targaryen x Fem!Reader|

Part Thirty-One

Masterlist of Series

Summary: Being a bastard born in the slums of Flea Bottom was all you were known for. Not the streak of white you had in your dark hair, the violet ring around your pupils, or how your sharp tongue and skills with the blade resembled your father, Daemon Targaryen. You were just a bastard, nothing more, but to him, to Aegon Targaryen, you were everything. You were his love.

Author's Note: This will be a heavy one, besties. We're getting into the story's darker and potentially triggering side, so I've given more detail than I usually do about warnings. Also, the song Ptolemaea by Ethel Cain heavily inspired this chapter, and I really, really recommend listening to it to connect with the reader. Thank you so much for reading!

Chapter Warnings: graphic depictions of dissociation, seizures, sexual assault, misogyny, incontinence, attempted rape, power imbalances, and murder. You have been warned.

Red Butterflies Meanings: courage, passion, the life-death cycle, fire, and survival.

"Even the iron still fears the rot

Hiding from something I cannot stop

Walking on shadows, I can't lead him back,

Buckled on the floor when night comes along..."

- Ptolemaea, Ethel Cain

Arryk's head spun when he finally reached White Sword Tower, his armor bearing the weight of his emotions as he yanked the knots that held them together, discarding it haphazardly across his chamber. The more he thought of what he witnessed, the more his head pounded, the pain building inside until he could no longer stand it, and vomit spewed into his chamber pot.

He was an imbecile, a fool, no better than the court jester who embarrassed themselves for others' entertainment.

Arryk knew that you and Prince Aegon were close. You spent most of your days with him or Helaena as any kin would, but he should have learned, paid closer attention, and protected you from the Prince's ensnarement.

Sometimes, the knight would notice the Prince too close, a hand resting in an unusual spot or a stare lingering far longer than what was proper, but he thought nothing of it. You were a capable woman. You were far better at standing your ground than any other noblewoman regarding a male's advances. He saw for himself with the Lord Reaper of Pyke.

Perhaps that was a lie. Maybe you were not the strong woman he believed. Maybe you rejected advances because your sights were set on someone else, your heart on someone else, not because you held your honor to a high degree. You made your own choices–made your bed. You could save your own against the vices of the opposite sex yet make the choices of a hoydenish woman, and that was what Arryk sinkingly realized.

It was your choice.

***

Your chest felt hollow as you stared out a paned window in Aegon's chambers as he laced the back of your dress. The hours after Arryk's intrusion were spent inside the Prince's rooms listening to his apologies. His pleas and snivels were disregarded as you stared at the vast expanse of King's Landing.

"I'm so sorry," he cried, rubbing his tear-stained cheeks into the crook of your neck. "I am a fool. I should never have done such a thing. I-I should have protected your honor," he stuttered, swallowing the excess saliva in his mouth. "Please, speak to me. Yell at me, strike me, please just anything."

Your emotions had switched off like the flicker of a candle flame, tears long dried and left to crack on your skin. "What is there to say that you have not?"

Aegon sobbed further into you in admission, the weight of his actions lowering him to the floor as he crumbled at your feet, shoving his face into your thick skirts. He reminded you of his son who screamed and wailed if you ignored him, the same soft, wavy blonde hair below you, begging to be touched.

You did not feel anger towards the Prince. It would have been better if you did, but you could not force it in spite of your best efforts. It felt like nothing. No simmering rage threatened to boil, no sadness or embarrassment pulling at your gut. No emotion. Simply and utterly nothing, and it felt wrong. You needed to show something to sense anything.

Imagining all the hardships you faced, Ma's abandonment and the death of Lyra and Sara proved fruitless. Only when Aegon became too grabby and pinched the flesh of your thighs then did you feel something.

Pain.

It was the sensation that guided the victories of some and the downfalls of others. It brought you back to reality, feeling Aegon's rapid breathing on your wrist and realizing you had not been inside your body despite your mind moving.

"All will be forgiven with time," you decided, hand moving to stroke the fine strands on your fair-haired boy's head, "but you must swear to me you shall never do such a thing again. You will work on yourself to find what causes you to commit such atrocities. I cannot mend what has been broken if you do not know what needs to be."

You sensed Aegon's gaze on you before he spoke, nodding profusely. "I will, I will! I will do anything for you, my love!" he simpered, rubbing the tears and mucus from his lips.

"No, Aegon," you said firmly, his eyes snapping to his bleary ones. You must do this for yourself. Not for me."

He knew better than to speak again, for the only words he would utter would debase himself further, so he bobbed his head and pulled your legs closer in a mock embrace. He loved you so... so much.

"I must confront Ser Arryk about this," you began, your voice one of practice. "You will need to be the unmoving rock that the waves crash against for me. Arryk is furious and I fear he will say things that might hurt me far worse than any blow."

"I shall kill him if he tries to," Aegon declared with a fierce glint in his eyes.

While it pleases you to no end, the depth of his affections is unnecessary.

"No," you stated firmly, bending at the waist to pull your lover up to his full height, "you will do no such thing. I need your support, not your wrath."

He stared at you sternly as if ready to take up arms and defend your honor, and it warmed your heart, finally feeling something other than empty. You smiled delicately, the tug barely there as you kissed the wrinkles between Aegon's pale brows, smoothing his unruly hair.

"I love you," the words were like an oath as if this was the first time you had uttered them, "more than I could ever explain. I want you to remember that. Always."

Aegon was speechless, taken aback by the sudden gravity of your confession that he had already heard many times before. He knew he could only show his appreciation in one way when words were useless. Kissing your lips with a breathless intensity that nearly knocked you off your feet, he slowly kneeled before you.

The Prince wrote his apologies with his tongue on your cunt, drank the sweet nectar from between your legs gratefully, and once you peaked, digits twisting and pulling his silver hair, he thanked you and begged to allow him to do it once more.

***

It was nearly impossible to track Ser Arryk after he left; even asking his twin brother led you to no answer. There was one place he could be, but you could not set foot in White Sword Tower. The mere thought of it stole the air from your lungs. Instead, you found it less vexing to wait until his inevitable appearance. After all, he swore an oath to you, and those who broke them received punishments worse than death.

Searching for your sworn shield, you ran into some welcoming faces and some not. Young Dyana was the first for you to greet along with another nursemaid now carrying the nearly fluent Jaehaerys and Jaehaera. Your littlest cousins were ecstatic to see you, almost knocking you to your knees as they squealed in delight, telling you of their day. Prince Jaehaerys declared with such vehemence that he would be as skilled as a swordsman as you, and when you brought up his Uncle Aemond, who was just formidable, he shook his head.

"There are a lot of Uncle Aemonds," he said, "there are no yous."

No matter the circumstances, the twins always make you smile. And just the same, Larys Strong's appearance asking you to share a bottle of wine regarding the previous subject he discussed always makes you scowl.

It was the hour of ghosts before the guard change, forcing you to stay awake with needlework in your hands. You applauded him for choosing such a late time, but he underestimated your will, as men often find themselves victims of.

And that was where you found yourself, staring into the once kind, soft blue eyes, now cold, impenetrable, and filled with venom.

Ser Cargyll's reaction confused you. He was your protector, not your father, but even then, you were optimistic that Daemon would be proud of what you had done. Was it because he only knew of the Aegon spoken of in rumors? The one who ate, drank, whored, and gambled in gluttonous amounts. Did he think you needed protecting from the contents of courtly gossip?

"I understand your apprehension about Aegon," you began, taking a deep breath and readying yourself for a monologue, "but I can assure you I can handle a spoiled prince."

"I have no doubt in that," Ser Arryk huffed, crossing his arms with a sneer. You were physically taken aback, your head shaking as if he struck you in the face. "Seeing as you took his cock like a common Flea Bottom whore."

Mouth gaping like a fish, you gasped, surprised at the gull of your sworn shield. The man who had comforted you after the abuse you received from Septa Mariam was insulting you and, in a way, he knew would hurt you deeper.

"I beg your pardon?" you questioned aghast, eyes wide as the conversation between friends turned to one of enemies.

"What? Did he fuck you deaf too?"

You sighed heavily, mouth in a deep frown as you glanced away, attempting to comprehend how to proceed. Anger was slowly rising within you, like the tide of Blackwater Bay, but you refused to let it control you. "I see," you answered dejectedly, "you believe like the rest of them... the rumors." It hurt to finally confront someone who thought of Aegon so lowly, having been woefully unprepared for the sheer hostility. "But you must put your trust in my judgment not to love someone who is so wretched."

"I loved you. I swore my life to you, my blood to you, and yet..." he paused, clenching his chestnut-beard jaw before cracking, "You desire a monster."

Arryk's statements befuddled you, causing you to let out an ugly guffaw. "You speak of oaths, yet your words are empty. Did you not promise to stay by my side no matter the cost? To spill your blood and offer guidance when needed and when not?" He gave you no response, his stare filled with all the hatred of the Seven Hells. "You are sworn to me!" You shouted in desperation, arms gesturing with each passionate phrase he refused to answer with only disgust.

"I am sworn to the King," he answered like a blade cracking through your ribs.

"You are an oath breaker, Ser Arryk Cargyll. Men have been punished more for less," you declared with ire, your voice husky from your previous statements.

Arryk understood what you meant by those words—the unspoken outcome of death to those who returned to their promises.

"You would never punish me," he flatly stated as if he had just said a mundane fact about the weather.

You nodded in acquiescence, sucking your cheek as if you tasted something vile. "You are correct. I am not the vile bastard people claim me to be. I do not betray and break promises I have sworn before the Old Gods and the New! Do not go back on your words simply because of your own emotions."

"I love you! I care about you morning and night, not him! I've been the one to weather the storms of your life! I have protected your honor from those who thought to use it because I believed you were kind and good!" he yelled, blue veins popping from his pale neck. "I thought of breaking my vow to the King for you! Creating a life for us where you would be free of judgment and duties, from the whispers and gossip of nobles, but you-"

"You speak as if it is my fault for your fantasies, that I gave you love letters and kisses and sang ballads." You refused to accept any blame for this. "You are a man and responsible for your own emotions, not me. Take your leave and return when you have come to your senses," you declared with finality.

He acted like a petulant child- far worse than you had ever seen Aegon. The man seemed entitled to your emotions as if you owed him for not reciprocating his feelings.

Arryk could not stand this. How could you be so selfish and uncaring? He loved you. He loved you! Why didn't you love him back?

"You are your blood," he spat, raising a gloved finger in ridicule, "a harlot and a monster."

It felt as if you got a blow to the chest, arms wrapping securely around yourself. You loved your Father and your Mother; they were good people. So why did it hurt?

Ser Arryk left without another word, large oak doors slamming shut behind him. He entered without hesitance when he reached another set of intricately carved wood, fitting that of only those who lived in Maegor's Holdfast.

The Queen sat within her solar, a cup of evening tea resting on a saucer in her lap. She wore her dressing gown, staring idly into the warmth of the fire as Ser Arryk's presence caused a start. Ser Criston stood not too far from Alicent, the hand on the pommel of his sword as he began to scold the knight.

"Ser Cargyll, what is the meaning of this?" Criston questioned, irritation laced in his words. Arryk had not realized he was out of breath until he attempted to speak, words becoming difficult to create. "I must speak with her grace. Tis a matter of great urgency."

Ser Criston bristled, scowling as he stood tall in the face of the disheveled knight. "You may speak to her highness on the morrow. It is too late for audiences and hardly proper."

Arryk sucked in a breath as he readied to protest but was stopped short by the rise of the Queen's hand. Her protector stared at her in confusion, telling with his eyes that he was not pleased with her allowance of this.

"Please, ser," Alicent spoke with her smooth alto, gesturing to the area before her.

Ser Arryk took a few calming inhales, wanting to speak as eloquently before the Queen Consort of the Seven Kingdoms, giving her a brief bow. He was unsure of how to word it. He knew if he spoke with the scorn he felt within, Alicent might not perceive the honesty of his confession and take it as an upset man with bruised pride.

"I have served as a steadfast member of the Kingsguard. I have not shied away from any challenge nor dishonored him," he began, the rise and fall of his chest steady. "I did not cower when your father, the Lord Hand, tasked me with protecting the King's granddaughter. However, lately, there have been revelations that have caused me to question where my loyalties lie. I seek your guidance, my Queen, regarding the Princess." The Queen stared at him with concern, brows wrinkled, and plump lips pursed.

"I happened upon your son, Prince Aegon, and the Princess within his bed chambers."

Ser Criston could not hide his shock, glancing at Queen Alicent to see her unphased reaction. "I initially believed the situation to be non-consensual, but her grace explained that it was not, that they are in love. It worries me that if word should travel and Prince Daemon discovers the relationship, I should be punished for not protecting her honor."

He purposefully hid the valid reason for his appearance, knowing he could be punished if he revealed it.

Alicent inhaled, silently relieved that someone else shared her concerns regarding you and her son. She placed her tea on the foot table before her, gently wiping the corners of her lips and clearing her throat.

"I understand your concern, Ser Arryk. Who all knows of this?" she inquired with a frown.

"Just my brother, Erryk, and I. He has known for some time but protects the Prince's secrets."

"I see," she responded, voice resigned. "I thank you most graciously for coming to me. You have done your duty well, ser. You needn't shoulder this burden any longer. I shall take care of the matter. You may take your leave."

The knight bowed his head, the weight on his chest still there, but not for political affairs, as he swiftly exited, thanking the Queen for her time.

Criston studied Alicent once the knight left, eyes scanning over her form. He could tell from the years of servitude when she was hiding something, her fingers begging to pick at her digits, but being the ever-dutiful protector, he remained silent.

The Queen stewed in the quiet, her teeth gnawing on her plush lip. Endless outcomes ran wild through her mind, all of them creating a ball of anxiety. Finally, when she was too far lost in her thoughts, she grabbed her tea and took a calming sip.

"Ser Criston," she spoke, startling her sworn shield, "please summon Lord Larys. I wish to speak with him."

***

You found yourself within the Godswood as you always did in times of strife, gazing up into the golden leaves of a Cottonwood, the soft rustle of branches reminding you of inaudible whispers. They were hard to make within the darkness, only able to see the outlines with the dusting of stars, but they gave you comfort. The Old Gods watched you with their unseen eyes as your fingertips traced the rough bark, grass crunching beneath your boots.

You recalled your first time within the Godswood since arriving in King's Landing, trying to seek peace yet being disturbed by a drunk and blubbering Aegon. The memory pulled a smile onto your cold cheeks, a nostalgic feeling coming over you as you thought of your time under the Heart Tree together. It felt like an age ago now. Such foolishness you did then...

You hadn't returned to Aegon yet, needing time within yourself to fully comprehend such a betrayal from your knight. It was still raw, the wound gaping and pooling with blood as it seeped into the sod below. Arryk hurt you far more than you ever thought him capable.

Your relationship with the knight began purely logistically. You needed to gather as many allies as possible, and you had succeeded by having your maids, Madam's web of spies in the Keep, and a Prince and Princess. The now missing piece was a protector. Some of you desired to march to the Commander of The Kingsguard, Ser Harrold, and tell him how Arryk had betrayed his oath in more ways than one, but you could not.

You had unknowingly shattered Ser Arryk's heart, and some part of you that had grown fond of the knight was pained because of it. You were confident that he would return once he fully understood you did not mean to do so and would forgive him.

Suddenly, a quiet cracking noise came from the far corner of the Godswood. Your head snapped, and your hand instinctively went to your dagger. Instead of a foe, the metal and glass shack of Helaena's butterfly hut stood, the rhythmic thunk, thunk, thunk becoming louder as you trekked across the yard.

You observed in awe as a newly hatched butterfly, a mix of red, black, and tan, white dots that looked like eyes, flapped its inexperienced wings, repeatedly flying into the glass wall. Your heart broke for the insect, glancing at the door. If you unlatched the shack, you could free the singular insect for a time of freedom beyond its transparent cage but doom the rest of the cocoons to the frost. Or you could leave it to be the only one that dies, continuing the life cycle for the dozen other insects evolving into their destined form.

You stared at the lone creature for a moment, your teeth tugging at your lip before making your way to the inside of the Red Keep.

***

When you entered your hall, seeing no guard at the door was surprising. Usually, you expect to catch a member of the Gold Cloaks fast asleep outside your door, especially if Ser Arryk was not posted. You did not think the knight was so careless as to leave a member of the royal family unguarded, but people acted out of character in anger, so you did not hold it against him.

Upon entering your chambers, you found the cause of the missing protector. Lord Larys Strong sat at your dining table, the flagon of wine he promised glinting in the candlelight.

"I see now why there is no guard at my chambers," you began, eyes scanning the Lord for any potential threat. "Did you pay him or offer a girl indebted to you?"

Larys grinned, mirth in his stare, and bowed his head as his palms rested on the firefly of his cane. Would it be so terrible if you broke the thing?

"Princess, you speak so lowly of me. Words like that wound a man's heart." He brought his hand to his chest, emphasizing the mock pain. "I have come to have that drink with you."

You stared at him skeptically, your eyelids slit as you placed your fur coat across the back of an empty chair at the table. "I do not recall agree to such an invitation," you spoke, taking your seat and peering into the red liquid inside the glass.

Larys took his drink, lifting his cup in a slight toast. You followed his actions, sipping the cup demurely as only an action of politeness. It stunned you momentarily that the Lord had chosen your favorite Essosi wine, flashing him a tight-lipped smile as he watched expectantly. "I do hope your only reason for being here is not regarding our previous conversation. My mind has not changed."

"I understand it has not, Princess, but I want you to understand that I have yet to fail the Queen and do not intend to do so now," he responded with a stern furrow of his brow.

Rolling your eyes, you groaned, taking another sip of your wine before speaking. "I am not leaving King's Landing, and that is final. Queen Alicent knows now that I shall not, and neither of you has the power to do so." You stood from your chair, fists on your hips as you leaned against the oak table, looking down at the crooked man. "I am here in my Mother's stead. You recall the Lords trying to remove me from the Small Council and how it faired?"

The Master of Whispers nodded in recollection, crossing his ankles as he gazed above at you, his mousy brown hair falling behind his ears. "I remember that, indeed. It was quite a sight," he chortled, "you inspired enough courage in the King to leave his sick bed, and not even the namedays of his children could do that."

You giggled at his words, but it quickly became a cough, your mouth dry as you took a swig of the Essosi wine to coat your throat. "Yes, and you remember his words? That I'm to be retreated as an extension of Princess Rhaenyra. You would not remove the heir to the Iron Trone from her rightful seat?"

The Strong Lord hummed through his nose, taking a drink in silence, his beady stare on you. Something was always hidden with his gaze as if he knew the very thoughts inside your head. You grew uncomfortable as your mind wandered, fidgeting with the golden rings on your fingers. The betrayal of the Red Keep was profound, which you understood from a very young age and was the whole purpose of your prolonged stay here, but it still amazed you when you met it head-on.

The only reason for the questions around your Mother's legitimacy as heir was the fact that she had a cunt instead of a cock. The ruling lords feared what change Rhaenyra would cause with her rule. It threatened the centuries of tradition they had created, a tradition that served to their advantage. If a woman ruled the Seven Kingdoms, what would that mean for them? What would it mean for all the eldest daughters tossed aside in favor of a younger son?

It would mean women would no longer be the property of their fathers and husbands. They could not barter and sell for their advantage. It would tell women they weren't the lesser sex; they were not subservient but equal, and that threatened men's power.

"My Mother will create a new order for the realm, Lord Larys," you declared flippantly, your palms becoming sticky. "She will not be the exception but the rule, and you will either bend the knee for her when the time comes or lose your life." You raised a brow as if to invite challenge, daring the Lord to say the treasonous words that were written across the lines of his face.

Larys smirked as always, sighing as he twirled his cane between his digits. "We shall see," he stated wistfully, eyes trained on the object in his hands.

You moved yourself off the table to protest but nearly fell, an abrupt burning sensation radiating within your gut, catching you unaware. Groaning, you cradled your stomach and rested on the wood for support. You felt your body begin to weaken with every minute of discomfort, a sudden onset of symptoms that reminded you of when you ate tainted food. Grunting, you glanced at Larys, the man now observing you with an expecting look in his blue eyes.

"I apologize, my Lord. I believe I may have eaten something foul today," you gritted out, sweat beginning to seep from every pore in your body. "Please, excuse me and we shall reconvene at another time."

"No, Princess. I intend to stay. As I have said, I have yet to leave my Queen's wishes unfulfilled, and you are no different."

You stared at him perplexed, vision going blurry momentarily as a stabbing pain scorched your insides, and suddenly it all made sense.

Your gaze quickly flickered over to the half-drank cup of wine, the absence of a guard, and Larys' calm demeanor. You could see it in his eyes, the same cold, icy gaze as he watched your knees buckle beneath you. Pushing yourself off the table, you made your way for the exit. You would not sit idly and allow this man to escape with whatever he had done. You would fight until your heart finally ceased to beat.

The Lord stuck out his cane before you gained enough distance, causing your knees to crash against the stone floor, pain radiating throughout your body.

You whimpered pitifully, the sound causing shame to rise as you attempted to push yourself up, but your arms gave out, collapsing again. Larys stood from his chair, his dragging gait and rhythmic tapping of wood creeping up behind you as you turned to face him, back pressed to the cold floor.

"Tell me," you rasped, the mere act of speaking creating a combination of exhaustion and nausea, "what have you done?"

He peered down at you through the end of his nose, the tip of his cane pressing into your chest as you pushed your body away. You couldn't catch your breath, a buzzing within your ears sounding as Larys began to speak.

"I saw you, the morning of Ser Lorgan's death, in the lower quarters of White Sword Tower. I followed you in." He lowered himself to the ground next to you, your limbs unable to move as a helpless terror rose within your heart. "I saw what you did, Princess. You murdered an innocent man, severing his head from his body, and when finished, sat at the table, you broke your fast."

Tears cloud your vision, leaking from your eyes with abandon as you struggled to breathe, the once thoughtless task becoming laborious. He knew all this time that you were the killer the scullery maids feared at night, yet he said nothing. He could have easily used that knowledge to blackmail you from Kings Landing. So why... why did Larys Strong choose death? What could he possibly gain from your murder?

Larys' hands made their way to your skirts, sliding the thick fabric you once held pride in up your legs. You could not feel the sensation, nor your lower limbs, horror tearing at your mind as his fingers went to your stockings next.

"Stop," you inaudibly muttered, mouth full of lead. "Make it stop."

You were praying to anything, anyone who would listen to your cries– any god, Old or New, the Seven, Valyrian, Pentosi, the Drowned, anyone who would help save you from this fate. It was not enough that Larys had incapacitated you; he had to defile you, too.

"I was confused, at first, why you would seemingly murder someone at random. It took time, but eventually, a connection was made. Ser Edder and Lorgan were the ones that punished the two women who attempted to help you flee all those years ago." Larys removed your boots and stockings, baring your unmoving limbs for his eyes to feast upon. "Lyra and Sara I believe. A whore and a maid."

He stroked his thumb over the arch of your foot, admiring the concave flesh as he brought it to his lips. You gagged, abdomen lurching as you turned your head to the side, a mixture of blood and digested food spewing from your mouth and onto the floor beside you. The vile man proceeded to cherish the soles of your feet as one would a jewel, nuzzling his face into them as he licked a stripe from your heel to toe.

"Make it stop. Please, I've had enough," you cried, the words only a murmur.

There was fear within you, but what overshadowed it was sadness. You had finally found the happiness you craved, the missing piece within your life that would ultimately make you whole, and now it would be taken away. You did not mourn for the loss of life. You wept for Aegon, Luke, Jace, Joffery, Helaena, Jaehaerys, Jaehaera, your Mother and Father for the years you would miss, for the events you would never see.

You would never see the twins grow into adults, little Aegon and Viserys speak their first words, or the babe growing within Helaena's belly. You would not see Aegon become the man he was meant to be, to watch him blossom into the loving father and husband he was always capable of being. You feared what would become of him without the one he depended on. Would all your planning and sacrifices be for naught?

Larys glanced back up at you, noticing the pile of gore beside your head, stained lips and tears, smiling as he gingerly placed your foot down, proceeding his assault onto the next.

You were relieved to some degree that you had lost all sensation in the lower half of your body, a welcomed gift from whatever poison he chose.

"You poor thing. Sweet, mourning lamb, there's nothing you can do. It's already been done," he cooed, leaning above you to brush a strand of loose ebony hair sticking to your forehead. "The poison will kill you soon, and you shall not remember a thing," he declared, kneeling as he shoved himself between your legs, undoing the laces of his breeches.

"Poison Hemlock is often mistaken for carrots by young children in the Riverlands. 'Tis a volatile thing. Sometimes, it starts with vomiting, tremors, and uncontrollable movements of the muscles, but one thing is for certain: you will die tonight, Princess, alone and at the mercy of a man who you think yourself above."

Your heart began to race impossibly faster as Larys shifted your skirts, pulling the knot of your small clothes and dragging them down your legs. He brought the sweat-soaked fabric to his nose, burying his face as he inhaled your natural scent. It sent another wave of disgust, coughing up excess saliva and leftover blood as you choked.

Suddenly, you felt as if a wave rolled through your head, an intense pressure pounding inside your skull as you lost all the breath within your lungs. Larys looked up at the noise, seeing your horror-stricken gaze as your body went rigid, your eyes involuntarily rolling back until he saw nothing but the whites of them. Your body began to convulse uncontrollably, your mind losing consciousness and control.

Larys sneered in distaste at the abrupt cut off to his fun, adjusting himself more comfortably between your legs. He had hoped there would be more time before the hemlock took full effect, but this would have to do. At least he would no longer hear your pathetic mewls of protest.

He waited patiently until the tremors subsided, leaning back on his haunches as he observed the pink bubbly froth seep from your mouth, tearing his aching cock from his trousers as he began to stroke himself to total hardness.

Larys felt the warmth of liquid on his knees before he saw it, a puddle of urine soaking through the material of his breeches as he moved your legs over to the side. He was disgusted with his now urine-soaked clothes, insulted that you would do such a thing as if you had control over it, standing with the help of his firefly cane. He peered down at your still convulsing form, intrigued by your body's lack of control despite your unconsciousness.

It was disappointing that he could not derive some pleasure from his actions. It left him woefully unfulfilled, but he was satisfied enough to have kept his promise to the Queen, to reduce someone who thought so highly of themselves to a pissing, vomiting mess. Larys left your chambers with a smile on his mousy face, as silent as the rats within the walls of the Keep.

Masterlist of Series

So what do y'all think? I warned that it would get darker here, but it's ASOIAF. What did you expect? I wanted to express the reader's fear and the sense of violation she felt during the poisoning scene, so I hope I did a good job with that. I also really wanted to not just do the type of poisoning scene where people cough up some blood and then be done with it. I'm probably on the FBI's watch list for my search history because I did so much research on the effects of Poison Hemlock and different types of seizures. XD

Also, when I was little, I gave my mom a bouquet of poison hemlock. To be fair, the white flower is pretty, and I was like 8.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and thank you so much for reading!

Tagged Peeps: @zeennnnnnn, @malfoytargaryen, @targaryencore, @justasmallbean, @omgsuperstarg, @sommornyte, @silverslive, @ynbutbetter, @legolas017, @iiamthehybrid, @dd122004dd, @ladybug0095, @millies0bsimp, @kalfild, @sheislonelyalways, @tempt-ress, @minttea07, @trikigirl271, @esposadomd, @prettywhenicry4, @daenerysqueenofhearts, @justarandomflowerchildofthenight, @pastelorangeskies, @existential-echo, @priyajoyy, @merovingianprincess, @candy12110, @w3ird11, @ruhjkie, @somemydayy, @marikkjj, @zillahvathek, @sunfyresrider, @heavenly1927, @hjgdhghoe, @im-sidney, @aurorathi, @marihoneywk, @xitsemm

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thecorvidforest · 8 months

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I need you all to know about the Judge Rotenberg Center in Massachusetts.

(Content warning for below the cut: ableism, electroshock torture of developmentally & intellectually disabled people, mention of death)

Two days ago (Sep. 7th, 2023), the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that a residential school called the Judge Rotenberg Center can continue to use electric shock devices called GEDs (graduated electronic decelerator) that are worn 24/7 to attempt to control the actions of developmentally & intellectually disabled people.

JRC calls itself an education & treatment school for “emotionally disturbed students with conduct, behavior, emotional, and/or psychiatric problems, as well as those with intellectual disabilities or on the autism spectrum” (according to their website). They have around 50 residences throughout Massachusetts. Their strategies center around restraint and punishment for unwanted behaviors. At least five deaths are attributed directly and indirectly to their treatments.

They say these electric shock devices, which are stronger than a police grade taser and are irrefutably shown to cause permanent mental & physical damage, are “life saving” and that they’re used on people “for whom all other treatment options have been tried and failed”.

Here’s a short list of things their “students” (who are placed there by their families and very likely have no choice in the matter, and are disproportionately Black/Brown/Indigenous) are shocked for:

hand flapping/stimming

standing up

sitting down

swearing

speaking

not fulfilling a simple task

any perceived disobedience

making noises because of their disability

making noises while being shocked (such as screaming or crying)

sitting in the "wrong" way

acting without permission

incontinence

More info on JRC here and on their history here (content warning: graphic & disturbing descriptions of ableism & torture in both links, death & suicide in the 2nd link).

This is just the latest piece of an ongoing battle to stop electric shock treatment on disabled people. In 2023 we are still not seen as human enough to be the victims of human rights violations.

Info on how you can help here. Disabled people have been trying to get eyes on this fight for decades. Please talk about it. Please don’t let this go unseen like it always does.

#stop the shock #ableism #cw ableism #tw ableism #ableism tw #ableism cw #judge rotenberg center #shock therapy #torture #tw torture #torture tw #electric shock #cw torture #torture cw #disability #disability advocacy #developmental disability #intellectual disability #disability justice

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transmutationisms · 5 months

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ok maybe this is just me BUT. the thing i disliked the most about triangle of sadness was the vomiting scene. it seems to be a trend to use large amounts of vomit or diarrhea in art movie these days and i'm not even emetophobic or anything (i'm literally bulimic) but it feels so forced and gross for absolutely no reason. it doesn't feel like it's making a point or accomplishing something deep. it just feels like an eleven year old making fart jokes.

that was ultimately a really frustrating sequence to me, and one that i think is emblematic of a lot of the film's shortcomings. initially i thought it could go in a few different directions—using bodily functions as symbolic of the way wealth can produce misery even for those who have it; using the breakdown of a fine dining scene as a microcosm of the capitalist class's attempts to ignore crises that are occurring right in front of their faces; using the juxtaposition of waste and opulence to say something about the cost and production of luxury. i could have gotten interested in any of these reads, or others; there's a lot to say about how and when we depict bathrooms, excrement, &c onscreen.

however, i think 'triangle' ultimately gets stuck on a pretty superficial "eat the rich" line, and the whole food poisoning sequence end up being indicative of this sensibility. i'll go ahead and compare it to 'succession' because they're contemporaneous, about the ultra-wealthy, and depict bodily excretions. however, what works for me about the bodily functions and fluids on 'succession' is that the show is much more interested than 'triangle' in the psychologies of its characters. invoking piss, shit, or vomit on that show generally tells us something about their emotional states; it's also effective because we see specific ways in which those characters are uncomfortable with the idea that they have bodies, and continually try to deny them. 'triangle' doesn't develop its characters nearly so well (the most developed are both models, ie people who in fact are intimately aware of their own embodiment), so when we see them vomiting and shitting uncontrollably, it's not so much a psychological beat for them as it is an ostensibly cathartic (for us) way of humiliating these wealthy villains. this ties in with the film's suggestion that the characters have brought the food poisoning on themselves (by demanding the staff entertain them, thus causing the food to sit out too long), which give the whole vomiting sequence a pretty moralistic tone, like we're supposed to be smugly watching them get their comeuppance.

using incontinence specifically in this way is pretty casually ableist (again, it's less a psychological point where we're meant to understand that the characters themselves see this as particularly humiliating, and more a didactic point where we're invited to gawk at the spectacle of these people losing control of their bowels because they 'deserve' it), and it's consistent with an overall sensibility throughout the film that invokes superficial regurgitations of anti-capitalist politics and transforms them into mean-spirited retributive 'justice' presented as catharsis. there are numerous points in the third act specifically where it seems the film is interested in using the 'uninhabited' island setting as an opportunity to question and problematise established social forms by dialectically contradicting them—the flip in carl and yaya's relationship, abigail distributing resources to those who labour for them, the way carl being coerced into a sexual relationship and jarmo killing a donkey make explicit the positions they were perviously implicitly occupying in wealthy society as, respectively, a model and a tech mogul.

however, the film really fumbles an opportunity to do much of interest with this setup, because it's never willing to go beyond its insistence on punishing its characters for their previously luxurious existence. carl gets a partner who's using his body rather than his wallet and instagram followers, as he perceived yaya was doing. paula is stripped of her managerial role and treated like an employee, plainly echoing how she used to talk to abigail and the others. jarmo and dimitry are placed in a situation where they can't make themselves valuable by wealth, and instead must become bodily resources if they want to survive. none of this is developed or goes anywhere—it's stuck on, again, a sensibility of punishing the characters. i don't get the sense that anyone writing this film was interested in how these social forms come to exist, what sustains them, how they might be altered or broken—instead it's just a series of unsubtle attempts to match each character 1:1 with a suitable comeuppance. this is also why abigail, by far the most interesting character in the film, is so underdeveloped (to the point of not even existing until act 3!) and why the film doesn't succeed in saying much of interest about how, eg, racism or ableism produce and interact with structures of class exploitation. the most it can do is gesture in the direction of the things it wants to talk about (nelson and therese are both written really disappointingly in this respect).

i don't really find any of this cathartic, and it's often so heavy-handed as to strain credibility (every scene with the weapons manufacturing couple). ideologically it's deeply moralistic in a way that is incapable of saying much beyond a condemnation of rich people (which is not the same as a condemnation of riches, or the social forms that produce them). although i didn't initially read the food poisoning sequence as funny, in retrospect i do think it was intended that way—which is, again, ableist in a pretty insidious way, and is also just not really successful imo as a piece of comedy. as a film it's really no more interesting or insightful than any of like a thousand other milquetoast gestures toward the same superficial understanding of capitalism as little more than a result of wealthy people being greedy or lazy. justice (a better film) for abigail 2k23

#triangle of sadness

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five-thousand-loaves-of-bread · 2 years

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there NEEDS to be better support for caregivers of autistic kids and adults with higher support needs.

there needs to be support for caregivers that humanizes the autistic person being cared for AND does not shame the caregiver for doing what they have to do and feeling the (positive AND NEGATIVE) emotions and exhaustion they feel.

there needs to be caregiver support. there needs to be respite care.

this improves the lives of the caregivers.

but this also improves the lives of autistic people being cared for. autistic people who cannot live independently. autistic people who need partial or constant supervision and assistance. autistic people who need help on basic safety and bADLs. because we exist.

many autistic people in the actually autistic community have unaddressed parental trauma. they/we hear stories about martyr parents and it reminds us of our own trauma. this “anti-autism parents” sentiment gets generalized to all parents of autistic people.

often, they are late diagnosed and have lower support needs, so their world view and advocacy are not informed by needing around the clock care of needing to be fed, to be bathed by someone, incontinent and/or need help with the act of toileting, to be kept safe, not to mention cleaning, cooking, making doctor’s and specialist’s appointments.

i admit that caring for me is EXHAUSTING. most people don’t have the time, energy, patience, skill, ability, health, (and for family members, friends, and partner, the financial ability to do it without being paid) to do that.

“i need a lot of care provided by other people,” “providing that amount of care is a lot of work,” “providing that level of care is exhausting,” and

“i have a lot of internalized ableism and shame and self-hatred around being level 2/3 higher support needs autistic,” “it is traumatizing being told that i am too much/my disabilities are too much/my needs are too much by everyone and every institution that is supposed to help me,” “i deserve to have my support needs met no matter how many/high they are,”

are things that can & are true at the same time.

if you can’t advocate for the caregivers just yet,

then at least advocate for the autistics who need that level of care

until you can admit caregivers are people, too.

(this was hard emotionally to write.)

(also, of course there still are martyr parents, parents who infantize and baby talk their autistic offspring, parents who refuse to confront their ableism, etc. but even their story have more nuance than that)

#because of own trauma of being told over and over again ‘‘your needs are too much i can’t possibly help you’’ by your first and last resort #people close to you and institutions and agencies that’s supposed to help you #actually autistic #high support needs #actuallyautistic #medium support needs #level 2 autism #actually disabled #actually neurodivergent #loaf screm

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kthulhu42 · 5 months

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Getting so angry and hateful is bad for your skin

If Erica was killed by any other ideology or religion, my anger would be seen as completely justified by the left.

Say a religion takes in a raped girl, who needs medical and emotional help, immediately. They tell her "You are damaged. The rape has made you impure. The only way to fix yourself is to be silent about the sexual assault you endured, and follow the rules of our religion. Come to God, and he will heal you." And then she commits suicide because she had no actual help or support? Justified anger.

If a cult had taken her in, and said "Your reactions to the rape have marked you as one of us. The only way to continue to prove you are part of our family is to have your hand amputated" and that led to her death? Justified anger. Righteous anger.

But instead, the Trans community saw a girl post about how she was wearing boys clothes to avoid sexual attention, and said "You're an egg."

And when she said she had been raped and hated her female body for not being strong enough to fight back, hated her body for "inviting attention" they said "You hate your female body because you are a male. If you tell the doctors about your rape, they will want to look into your trauma instead of helping you transition. You must lie to the doctors to get testosterone."

And when her Dad was unsupportive of the transition they said "Leave him. Refuse to speak to him. He wants you dead. We're your family now."

And then when she said that even though she was taking testosterone, she was afraid that she couldn't flatten her chest enough to stop being sexualised by men. And they told her to cut her breasts off in order to be happy. The told her to tell the doctor that she was suicidal if she couldn't access mastectomy.

And then when she was sad about losing her breasts, they said "You're sad because you haven't gone the full way yet, you're sad because your top and bottom don't match. You won't feel happy and fulfilled until you get phalloplasty."

Even her surgeon, when she said she missed her breasts, told her it would "take time" to adjust. That she should "celebrate" by going to the beach topless.

And phalloplasty destroyed her quality of life, gave her fistula, gave her infection, gave her numbness and tremor, gave her severe incontinence and she detransitioned, and ALL the people who encouraged it said "You were never true trans" and "you knew the risks". And then they blocked her and ostracised her and called her a "false flag" and a TERF. and then she died

But this is all FINE? and I need to calm down and stop being so hateful? When ANY OTHER GROUP encouraging a teenager with extreme trauma to LIE and MANIPULATE would be seen as monstrous, but if it's Trans ideology it's FINE? A surgeon can be told that his patient is uncomfortable and sad and they still go ahead and do more surgeries, despite knowing that she will need revisions that she cannot afford?

And I need to stop being so mad?? In case It harms my skin??

If you're so concerned about my face, give me something to fucking smile about. Give me my friend back.

#radical feminism #terfblr #radblr #feminism #phalloplasty #medical transition #It's a cult #Erica

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serah-in-diapers · 2 years

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I'm sure you get this a lot, especially now after your last post, but do you regret your decision to make yourself incontinent? Especially since you've had to try to retrain?

Not even a little bit.

It feels very validating and comforting, even in the problems and the hardships, because I, and most people who actually genuinely commit themselves to untraining or becoming incontinent, feel like in some capacity we're meant to be this way, and have had desires towards being incontinent and being seen as incontinent for most of our lives. I just talk about the reality of a disability which is not all sunshine and rainbows 24/7, even if it was done on purpose.

The disconnect that comes up so often on Tumblr particularly, right, is that in this space, 99% of people are just here to indulge in a sexual fantasy and get off, so they want and expect everyone who talks about incontinence to constantly say how amazing it is no matter what, or say how everyone should do it, or talk about how it's totally the secret pill to fix all of your life problems and isn't it also so very hot, haha.

That's not real life though, and that's not the whole picture of choosing to live with a condition that we can all recognise, with any amount of common sense put into it, has far more downsides to it than upsides. Those of us who choose it, and choose to invest the time and money and effort, do it knowing it isn't really logical. We do it for emotional comfort, or self-image, or whatever reasons we've decided are good enough to override the normal logic of the situation.

What I always want is for people actually interested in doing this kind of thing to recognize that choosing incontinence isn't just some perfect fantasy like it's described in kinky fiction. It's hard, and it's a lot of work, and it can be upsetting sometimes too in ways we don't always anticipate.

Does that mean that it hasn't been worth it to me, and that I regret having such poor control of my bladder and bowels now? No.

Does that mean it wouldn't be worth it to you? Because of all the general downsides of dealing with incontinence?

Only you can make that call for yourself.

#untraining #incontinence #incontinent

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being-kindrad · 4 months

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Q&A Panel with seven detransitioners, 2023, transcribed

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The following is a transcript of the first ever Q&A panel discussion with seven detransitioners filmed on Detrans Awareness Day 2023. Seven detransitioners speak publicly and answer questions from the audience at a film screening of the documentary No Way Back: The Realities of Gender Affirming Care.

The panel discusses the medical ethics of the gender affirmation model of care for gender dysphoria, and the untold harm personally endured by detransitioners Chloe Cole, Laura Becker, Luka Hein, Estella Suarez-Hamilton, Brian Wagner, Rachel, and Shape Shifter.

The panel answers questions from concerned parents about the relationship between gender distress, social contagion, trauma, and familial relationships, and panelists give advice about maintaining and repairing relationships with children and loved ones who are experiencing identity issues.

View the panel recording here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyJGijjI2JU

Transcript after the break.

Panel moderator: How do you guys feel? Had you not seen [the documentary] before? Did it bring up any feelings for you guys?

Estella (female detransitioner): It brought up a lot of feelings for me. I medically detransitioned this past year and I was still maintaining my social transition, clinging on to that, and kind of hearing about the process of other detransitioners and even speaking to some people who are here today, learning how much commonalities we have with this journey. It makes you realize that “oh, well, maybe this is rare, but maybe this is not so rare as they're saying.” Especially when it comes to medical consequences. I can speak for myself with some of the effects that testosterone has had on my body—it's menopause, it's going through menopause at nineteen. And when your body's not ready for that. And there was like a list of that, the incontinence, not being able to hold your bladder, not being able to sleep because of heat flashes that are painful. It's ridiculous, thinking that a teenager should go through that, when they're just at the cusp of adulthood, so it brought up a lot of emotion realizing that I wasn't alone in a lot of that. I know that I had a conversation with Chloe earlier this year about heat flashes and that was the first time that I had spoken to anybody about the itchiness and the uncomfortableness at night and realizing that wasn't just me, you know, and that's what you hear a lot, a lot of people being like “oh, well it's just you, I guess it just didn't work out for you.” It's like, it's not just me, you know, this is something that could happen and it's exhausting. So, yeah.

Panel moderator: Can we just go down the line really quick and introduce, you guys can introduce yourself, so we know who you are and then we'll open it up for questions.

Shape (male detransitioner): Hi, I'm Shape. I'm a male detransitioner, gender non-conforming. You guys may know me from YouTube or Twitter, so this was pretty powerful, also triggering, but powerful.

Rachel (female detransitioner): I'm Rachel. I transitioned when I was like 25, lived as a “man” for like seven years, realized “oh I don't need to do this and I'm running away from other things,” so I went back to living as a woman, more or less, a year ago, and just kind of opened my eyes to kind of like the whole gaslighting of this “trans marketing” like it's you know they—well not to get too far into it, but the whole thing is weaponizing empathy to make people believe that “oh you have to affirm these kids that's the nice thing to do,” but long term, well, I think you guys know.

Brian (male detransitioner): Good afternoon, my name is Brian Wagner. In my early 20s, I had substance use disorders and mental health issues. I transitioned from male to female, I lived my life as a transgender woman for close to 10 years, I detransitioned upon sobering up and getting to see a psychologist that was not an activist. The most powerful part of this documentary for me personally was when it talked about Jung's “Shadow Self,” because I think for a lot of society and especially the trans rights movement, detransition is a reality that they're not ready to see or face or accept quite yet, so thank you.

Estella (female detransitioner): My name is Estella Suarez Hamilton. I gave an introduction already so…

Luka (female detransitioner): My name is Luka Hein and I transitioned as a minor at 16 and de-transitioned around six months ago when I was 20.

Laura (female detransitioner): Hey everyone. My name is Laura Becker. I was in the documentary. My hair was looking a little messed up at the time, I had dyed it too many home dyes, pink—thank you—for a little while it was—so yeah, some of you may know me from Twitter, Funk God artist, and I designed some of the Detrans Awareness hats and shirts that some people might be wearing so that's what you may know me from.

Chloe (female detransitioner): I'm Chloe Cole and I'm somebody who also transitioned as a minor between the ages of 12 to 16. And I've been speaking out about my experience for not much longer than a year now, since I was 17.

Shape: I guess I should tell a little more about my story since everybody has. I transitioned in my early 20s as well, the first time I ever got any kind of mental health help was when I went to Fenway House in Boston and they completely ignored my internalized homophobia, other comorbidities, and affirmed me, like there was no pushback. I got on estrogen pretty easily, but my mental health declined after that, but I attributed it to being in a “wrong body,” so unfortunately I got cleared for the sex assignment surgery. That deteriorated my mental health even further. I have complications after multiple revisions. I have urinary tract infections every month, that's why I was going to the bathroom like a million times. I am unable to have sex, I have osteoporosis, I haven't been able to get any help really from endocrinologists or even surgeons to reverse this. This is all one giant experiment I fell into when I was very vulnerable and not in a good emotional place. I definitely got sold lies and “hardware fixes” for my “software issues” that actually never went away. And my biggest push for transition was internalized homophobia, I just didn't want to be gay, because I was brainwashed from very young age that gay is bad and sinful, so the minute I realized I could escape my homosexuality, I latched onto the idea that I'm a woman, but I realized that none of those transitions solved any of my mental issues, in fact it made it worse, thank you

Panel moderator: Okay, does anybody have a question?

Audience member: Hi. Thank you all for being here, you're all very brave, and I probably follow mostly on Twitter or something. I think like a lot of parents whose kid is in this ideology, fortunately, my daughter so far has not said she wants to medicalize, but I can see just socially things sort of upping, which scares the hell out of me, because she'll be 18 next year, so I'm wondering if you guys had seen this documentary when you were 17 would it influence you [several panelists shake their head no] or is there anything that you would say to somebody at 17 who's in the grip that you like would help them like, you know, for body acceptance or whatever it would be, I would love to hear.

Estella: Yes, if I saw this documentary it would have made a difference. There are some people that are stubborn and very hard-headed and I was one of them, especially when you're 19, you think you know everything. If somebody says “oh you're gonna get menopause,” “oh I don't care,” you know, because you don't know what that means. The more information people get I think from first-hand, it makes a difference. I remember—and I said this prior to when we sat down—I didn't get top surgery. I was on testosterone for over seven years, and I was socially trans before that, and then a little bit after that, but I never went for top surgery. Specifically I can remember I watched a testimony of somebody who was transgender, they were a transman, so they were a female, and explaining that they had done all this surgery, and all this hormones, and everything, and it still—they were feeling like it wasn't resolving anything. And I remember he was this big buff bodybuilding guy and I was thinking “oh he's so beautiful I want to be like that” and he was like “don't do it, it will not fix your dysphoria” and so that gave me enough to just hold back, hold back. When I came to Los Angeles, there was no gatekeeping. I went to a very popular trans clinic down the street from here, and I was new in town. It was my first time going and talking to them, and they had an interview with me and like a car dealership, you get a packet of papers and you're good to go, like they have everything. But because I had seen the testimony, I thought “well let me just give myself some more time to think,” and the more you read about long-term and the more you talk about these surgeries and how they affect you in the end, the more you realize “well this is maybe not the most creative solution and this is probably not the most healthy solution,” so that's—I think it would make a difference, I think that absolutely this this film is a snapshot into history, and a good opportunity for people to get a different perspective. Especially because it's going from a leftist view too, so it's very nice to be able to digest that.

Brian: When I first transitioned, or started to, I specifically remember I saw the testimony of a man named Walter Heyer, he's an elderly man who I believe did in fact have the vaginoplasty and it didn't stop me. Thankfully, I never had that done, but I was well aware of it. But I was in a very delusional and ideological mindset, so I really don't think seeing this would have stopped me, I really don't. But I would have just told my former self to be careful what you wish for and don't rush into anything, because changing your gender it's not like you know, shaving your head, or you know, something like that, it's very difficult to undo and the further you go, the harder and harder…

Rachel: One thing for me, in female social circles, I definitely felt like I got “cool points” for it and I was already in my 20s, and it's got to be ten times that when you're in high school, so I feel like almost anything you would say would just fuel it even more, because it's like “oh this is something you're not allowed to do,” and it's kind of risky, so that's more exciting. And I don't know if this would help, but one of the biggest reasons I detransitioned was because I realized I felt affirmed in my identity as a “man” when I was with my female friend group, but then as you get more and more masculine, they don't see you as a woman anymore, and your brain does literally change, like there is something different with the hormones, so any kind of feelings of belonging she gets like within her current social circle, just basically imagine losing all those female friend groups, because once you look like a man, it doesn't really work the same. So like I don't know, I'm not really even sure how to explain that to a kid, but like “would you do this if you were completely alone by yourself without the affirmation of all your friends?” And she'd probably say “yeah sure I would,” but people tend to socialize in gendered groups, so just imagine if she can't socialize with her current friends, because of the way that they see her as, like, a man, later on. I don’t know how better to describe that.

Chloe: So, I'm 18 now, I'm a legal adult and as many of you know, I travel around the country talking about this subject. And there's still a lot of things that I can't do legally, like I still can't buy marijuana, or nicotine products, or alcohol. I can't rent a car. I can't even rent a hotel room. Because I'm under the age of 21. And yet, at 13, I was allowed to make the decision to change my sex. But I really don't think that 18 is just some magical age where all of a sudden you're capable of, maybe legally doing something, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you really fully understand what you're doing. I mean, the estimate right now is that most people's brain development finishes at around the age of 25, and it's probably much later for a lot of other people. But brain development aside, there's still a lot of things that people at the age of 18, at the age of 25, and even beyond, don't know about the world. When you're young, you don't really have a lot of knowledge or experience having to do with the world, and I was lucky to find out that I wanted to have kids at the age of 16, and to stop transitioning then, but not a lot of women figure that out until much later now.

Luka: I think particularly when you have a child going into this and you're worried about them heading down the path of medicalization, every situation is different, but presenting a different perspective, I feel like, couldn't hurt. They may not listen, because young people tend to be rather stubborn, but it couldn't hurt. And you know your kid doesn't stop being your child when they reach 18. You still need to be there, and let your concerns be known, with care, and compassion, and a genuine concern for their health and well-being. Keeping that line of communication open, to be that safe adult for your child, even when your child is an adult, is something that young adults still need, everyone needs, to a certain extent. And there's gonna be young people who maybe didn't transition and they reach 18, and rush into stuff, but I don't think it's acceptable to give up on them just because they maybe won't listen or they're hard-headed. If anything, that's when you need to be more compassionate and really keep that line of communication open, because they deserve for you to keep trying.

Laura: Yes, so I think that this documentary definitely would have impacted my perceptions, because although I had a lot of magical thinking, was naive, very stubborn, I was also very overwhelmed and we all started to know the kind of common wisdom “kids need structure.” Everyone needs structure, we need to order chaos, because things are very overwhelming. And I was overwhelmed, that's a lot of what passive suicidal ideation is—just being overwhelmed and your brain goes to this solution, this fantasy solution of escape, so it can deal with it at that moment, and transition is very similar, the transition fantasy. So I think I really was hungering to be helped. I was very alone, from peers and family, and I really wanted a safe adult to really sit down with me and listen to everything, and tell me that they knew how to help. Not in a pushy way, or in a controlling way, but in a way that allowed me to feel like myself, and I just never really got that, because my parents, by the point when I was 19, when I transitioned, they were exhausted, and they were not very equipped to deal with it, and there was some abuse as well, to me, psychologically. So they just kind of did emotionally sort of “give up,” and because I was so stubborn, they said “okay.” And the thing is you know, you just kind of get used to people not seemingly really understanding you, you know. Teachers didn't understand, therapists just—low quality, low, shallow, shallow understanding and so they'll say “yeah you're valid” or like “sure you can, are you sure you want to do it? Yeah okay, you know, maybe it'll help, because you're already so f-cked up, you're already so mentally ill anyway,” so they were very desperate too, my parents. But I was suicidal and had unprocessed trauma—PTSD—so, definitely keeping that connection, I know it's very difficult, but still listening and still being there, and not giving up is this inevitable outcome that “this person is just going to be messed up and they're disabled and they're mentally ill and that's their identity” and trying not to see your child as broken, because I saw myself as a broken human being that didn't deserve love or was capable of achieving happiness, so of course you're going to go to desperate measures, like surgical interventions. So I would say this documentary would have really been a relief to me, because it just provided so many calming, intelligent, rational adults that are experts in the field, they know what they're talking about. It just would have relieved my existential anxiety and overwhelm to know that there is an alternative because I thought that there wasn't. I thought it was either “I'm inevitably going to kill myself and I don't want to live anymore as myself,” or “if I transition maybe that'll help I'm doubtful about it, pretty hopeless, maybe it'll help.” I didn't realize until several years too late, I mean too late in a short-term sense, for the surgery and hormones, that there were alternative pathways, and so I have been able to cure my gender dysphoria and treat my suicidal ideation and PTSD, still working on that one, that one takes some time, but yeah, thank you.

Shape: Yeah, this definitely would have helped me. A lot of things did resonate with me, specifically how autistic people think “black and white.” I didn't feel like I could have existed on a spectrum of a gender while being a biological male. Also the way that's like, I really got obsessed with transition when I found out that it was a “possibility,” so it kind of clouded my entire judgment. Also it's the first time I've heard how dysphoria shifts, so you fix kind of like one part of your body and then you get obsessed over another part, and that actually never went away—I'm still obsessing and experiencing body dysmorphia. Yes, it would have definitely helped me, because at the time I didn't know that many trans people, and definitely didn't know anything about detransitioners, I've heard a little bit, but all the stories were like “well those people were never trans on the first place,” you know, the same things they're telling me right now, so it's a very important documentary, it was pretty well balanced, I'm glad it was not really a radical documentary, it was very factual, so I think that it could help a lot of people.

Luka: I also just wanted to add that when it comes to a parent talking to their child about this, regardless of the age of the child, or anyone in general really, it's important to remember that only telling someone “yes” and telling someone “yes, you're valid” and only affirming them and only saying “yes” is not an act of love. That's not what love is. Love is not giving in to every whim and only saying “yes.” Love is putting up those boundaries and saying “no,” and having to keep someone safe, even when they might be upset at you for it, because only saying “yes,” and only going down one path, and only affirming, isn't love, it's enabling, and I feel like that's just something that parents need to understand with this.

Panel moderator: Thank you, we're going to have another question.

Audience member: Sometimes clinicians tell parents that if you insist too much, if you try to show your children a different reality, they will dig their heels in even further. [Some panelists nod.] What is the difference between the things that do that, versus the things that you think can actually bring on a shift in understanding?

Rachel: I think it's tricky, because I feel like I had to actually, unfortunately, transition to be grounded back in reality, because you’re told all these things—the thing with transition is it's sold as this magic cure, like the snake oil to cure anything, because we don't really understand what gender is anyways, and we haven't really done this experiment culturally. There are a couple people who did it, like, way early in the 1900s, like a handful of people, but it was out of reach for most people until medical science today, so there's this huge placebo effect, and when people have these different mental illnesses, we don't really know a lot of time how to solve them, but the thing is, the power of belief works really well, and transition, there's like this whole “gender euphoria” thing with testosterone, it is very euphoric. How do you bring people back to reality without them having to actually go through it? I think, and this is the tricky thing, I think that's why we're gathered here, is that we don't really hear the downsides of transition, right, we only hear about “oh, this is this euphoric thing that's gonna be life-changing, affirming, it’s going to be this person's real authentic self, and it makes us all good people for affirming, you know these trans kids because you know we have to save them from themselves from suicide.” I don't know, I think just sharing stories of like people who have gone through transition who were, or maybe still identify as trans, but found “hey, like there are some issues with this and there are other ways we can deal with this,” whether that's recognizing there's maybe autism, maybe there's internalized homophobia, there's other kinds of traumas, I think just people being more aware that there's this other side of transition that isn't the the “rosy” side of transition.

Estella: To understand your question, like “how do you avoid them from being you know upset that you're showing them the the other way,” and I remember the mindset that I was in at 19, at the time, I came out on social media because I knew that my parents would give me pushback and I just wanted to just spring it on them and just not give them any chance to have any kind of push back to me. So I remember my mother telling me “You'll never be able to fully get a penis! You'll never be able to impregnate a woman!” all these different things that were logical arguments and I was just like “No no, Buck Angel has a penis!” you know, all these different things, and I just wanted her to hear me, I just wanted her to hear what I thought was going to be a good idea, and I think that maybe a good solution would be “Okay, well, if you want to show me your resources or propaganda or whatever, then I would like you to watch some resources that are from my side” and then that way they could feel listened to and you could see what they're actually looking at and then give them an opportunity “Okay we watched it now please would you watch this documentary with me, or would you read some of the side effects and we'll go in and see ‘Do you know what a cyst is?’ ‘Do you know where those come from?’ ‘So here are all these different side effects.’ ‘What does atrophy mean?’ ‘When a woman goes through atrophy, is it just their uterus or is it their bladder? And all the muscles that are along with that?’” because that's something I didn't know until probably about a year ago, and I'm 27, and I should have been—a doctor should have sat down and talked to me about those, but that never happened, so if you had like a little “give and take” maybe that would be helpful, that's the best solution I can think of right now, in this moment.

Luka: I think it also is, you know, it's somewhat inevitable that when you give pushback, sometimes these kids are going to be upset. It is natural in child development for each age group, is there are boundaries, and it is very natural for kids to push against those boundaries in a healthy way, and it is the job of the adults to make sure that those boundaries are still maintained and that the kid can express that pushback in a healthy way. It's unfortunate with this issue that we've seemingly, as a society, not only we just removed the boundary to push against, but put a medical system there in place. But sometimes when you push back, they're gonna be upset, and they're gonna need a space to really express that, because you know when they are upset, that is an emotion that they are having regardless of if, you know, as an adult, you feel like maybe the reason is stupid, or they're overreacting. To that child, that's a very real experience, that they are very upset about this. And whether that be that they just need some space to go blow off some steam, or they need you to be there as a compassionate adult to explain to them why you did what you did, or they just need someone to listen, it is still a parent or adult's job to do that with a sense of care, because you know you can't force someone to realize things, but you can be there, and you can be there in the best way that that kid needs. And that's going to be different for every kid, and some of them are just, they're gonna be stubborn, they're gonna be upset for long periods of time, but I think just for this issue, we can't just throw out that responsibility that even if a kid is upset, as long as you are doing what you're doing with care, and they are able to process that emotion of being upset, that that is still a good thing, because you know the parents have a lot of emotions in this and they deserve a space to process those as well. The kids are going to have a lot of emotions, and we really have seemingly taken away that space that they need to process those to come to the realization that maybe you know “hey maybe my mom isn't pushing back because she's hateful, maybe she's concerned” or you know the parent being “maybe my kid isn't acting out because you know I told them ‘no’ but maybe they're acting out because there is a deeper issue there and they are crying out for help.”

Laura: Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. I just wanted to add on to the idea of boundaries. What I often tell parents is, you know, this isn't palatable to hear, but the reality is that whether you tiptoe around—I've known parents that tiptoe around every little thing and they're walking on eggshells all of the time and it's extremely stressful—and I know parents who just get right up in there and take charge and say “no I'm the parent and I'm doing this” and I've known both sort of methods being taken and it is up to the individual parenting style, and the relationship you have with the child, but the reality is that as Lukas said, pushing back against authority and against parental wisdom is natural, normal, and even healthy. It can be an opportunity to further develop the relationship, because a child needs to learn how to manage their emotions. They need to learn how to take “no” for an answer, they need to learn how to look critically at other people's perspectives, and so it's very difficult. But repair is the other side to preserving a relationship. There will be conflicts, sometimes severe conflicts and damage will be done to the relationship, and so I think a lot of parents are focused so much on not damaging the relationship, which is understandable, but once it is damaged, I think that's when a lot of people might get into a really worse situation than if they had focused more on just the long run, you know, each little incident or confrontation is a smaller battle in a longer war, a war of preserving a relationship and having just a healthy life for everyone involved. I think focusing on “how do you repair” learning how to repair with your child is going to be critical, because it might be a very long period of time where they're processing things and if you act resentfully towards them, or bitter, or start punishing them, overly criticizing them. This is a more severe version of what may happen, but I had a parent who would verbally abuse me and gaslight me about it, and you know, I understand that they were angry and they were emotionally dysregulated, and that shouldn't have happened, but once it did happen, there was another opportunity there, the real work could have lied in the repair, that they had an opportunity to repair their relationship and further understand my perspective, but instead of doing that, they would gaslight me about it, and say that it was my fault, and say that never happened and that they did nothing wrong and in fact, I was, you know, punishing them or being a b-tch to them, you know, it was like very manipulative, that really damaged me, to feel it was all my fault, no matter what I did. Any emotion I had was unacceptable, and so whether it's arising to the level of like verbal abuse, or just—it's a spectrum of behaviors—but being able to repair and to acknowledge, you know, “I understand that this is painful for you” and not adding a “but” into it or like “but I feel this way” or like “but you're not listening” or like “you're so difficult, you're so difficult to deal with” you know, something I've heard a lot.

[cont] Really listening, and allowing them space so that they can start to trust you again, because the more you push when there's already been a damage a fracture to the relationship, the further and further away they're going to get, and then you might try to cling on even more, they're going to keep going. So it is inevitable that there will be damage, and I do think it's more prudent in the long term to think about the bigger picture of the relationship, and you may even lose what many people consider to be the biggest battle of all, which is when they get testosterone, when they get a prescription for hormones, when they get surgery, when they become an adult and they do something permanent, the reality is that even that is only a battle in the long-term war. There is life after the surgeries, obviously none of us advise doing it, but I think a lot of parents are so focused on just preventing that surgical outcome that they may lose sight of other ways to better the relationship, and once gender is over, what if they what if they forget about gender, what if you forget about gender, what what would that even be like? Are you consuming so much of your life based around that? Is there anything else in your marriage but just talking about the kids' gender problems, for example. And I'm not criticizing anyone, but I feel, you know, think about the long term, and things come and go, you know.

Shape: I'll be quick, I feel like one thing I've learned being in trans and detrans community, a lot of us have childhood trauma and if your kid thinks that they may be trans, maybe there's some trauma you don't know about, maybe you failed to protect them from predators, maybe you're the source of the trauma, because a lot of parents have been traumatized as kids themselves so they have all those personality disorders that they kind of transfer to their kids, so sometimes you need to look at yourself as well before communicating better with your child. Also unfortunately right now a lot of trans activists such as Jeffrey Marsh are teaching children online that they should go “no contact” with their parents if parents try to push back on transgender identity, which is completely crazy. It's pretty much emotionally manipulating parents to agree to support their transition, which sucks.

Chloe: Right. I mean, I agree that as a parent there are going to be some things that you'll have to do for your child that you may not necessarily want to, that they may not necessarily want, or that might not be the best for your relationship in the short term, and for a lot of parents this does involve taking away all Internet devices like their computers, iPads, phones, whatever else might give them internet access, and I think in most cases this is a good approach, but I think that if you're going to take something away, you have to replace it with something. A lot of these kids, the problem is a lot of them are addicted to the internet, because they were introduced to at a young age, and these devices are very stimulating, and for a lot of kids, especially kids who may not necessarily have a lot of friends at school, it can give them a sense of community online, but I really don't think that the internet and technology in general is really appropriate developmentally for most kids and teens, and a lot of these kids, they don't feel like they really belong to any communities in person, they don't really have any friends at school, a lot of them are bullied, many of them aren't really active in clubs, or sports, or extracurricular programs. If you're going to take away this one big thing from them, you have to replace it with I think one of those, which they should be in already.

Brian: Yeah, just real quick, I think one of the things that would have helped me in the beginning was if I had just gotten out of my woke echo chamber at my college, like if I had someone took me surfing, or gone dirt biking, gotten into some kind of rigorous exercise, I think that would have really helped, but yeah it's true. My psychologist, when my dad wasn't down with it, she was like “eh, you just won't have a father anymore” and I cut him out of my life for many years and I regret that now but, you know, had I just gone camping with my dad a couple times, or just listened to—I mean once I started listening to—it's really corny, but I started—I listened—there was two podcasts with Joe Rogan that I listened to as a trans, I was like “no no no, I'm still a man, I like man things,” and you know, not that women can't like, you know, MMA fights and, you know, certain things, but, you know it really realized that, and being sober, I was like “I made a huge mistake,” and yeah, take your kids out in nature.

[Time is reached, panel ends. Panel moderator thanks panelists, and informs the audience about current bills being considered in the legislature.]

#gender critical #gender is a social construct #human rights #detransitioners #detrans #detransitioning #transgender #gender ideology #gender identity #youtube video #video #transcript #transgender ideology #Youtube

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stellarcoachman · 2 months

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I’ve been feeling very emotional about my old dog recently. When I got him we were both young, but now I’m still young and he’s very old. How does he feel about that? Does he understand?

When we were both young and he would get covered in mud from playing outside, I would wash him off with cold water from the hose or my mother wouldn’t let him come back into the house. He hated it, but I would tell him, “it’s ok. I’m doing this because I love you,” and he would let me. Now, it’s been so long since then and so much has changed. I live in my own house and he still lives with me. He has started to develop incontinence, but I clean up after him without complaint because I love him. And when I lift him gently into the bathtub and wash him with warm water, I tell him, “it’s ok. I’m doing this because I love you,” and he looks me in the eye with his own that are mostly covered by cataracts now and he nudges me with his nose and I think he understands.

#personal

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war-torn-and-collateral-damage · 2 years

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Coping with and Managing Incontinence

Dealing with Incontinence can be an emotional, physical and financial struggle. I wanted to share some things I have learned over the years with others to support my community, spread awareness and educate.

1 in 15 Americans deals with a form of incontinence. Alot of negative feelings can come with the realization or diagnosis of incontinence. First, and most importantly you need to know you are not alone and you have done nothing wrong. Incontinence is sometimes treatable and if not, it is definitely manageable!!!

Most people get toilet trained at an early age and never think of potentially having to deal with issues later like dribbling when they cough or sneeze, getting a sudden urge and not making it, wetting the bed or even not getting the signal that you need to go at all. Often, this comes with embaressment due to the stigma and lack of awareness for these types of problems. Accepting that this is a problem and that it is not your fault is the first step, we need to accept this so we can seek help from our providers, make a plan or find management that works!

Talking to your Doctor

Talking to your health care professional about your problem is very important, but in fact surveys show that only 20% of people living with a form of incontinence report it to a doctor, and most reported cases of incontinence are people who have dealt with it for 7 years or more before mentioning it. Doctors see tons of patients and others with this condition and will not judge you or be cruel. When discussing this with your doctor be prepared to answer some potentially uncomfortable questions, bring a notebook with any questions you may have, keep a bladder diary leading up to the appointment.

Privacy and Independence

Loss of privacy and Independence is one of the hardest things to accept. Going to the bathroom is usally a very private thing. Depending on the type of incontinence and the condition of the person dealing with it sometimes help is neccessary which can feel dehumanizing, can cause a loss of dignity and a feeling of dependence. This is okay and is honestly normal. Waking up with a partner in wet sheets, needing help wiping or changing protection, needing reminders to go or assistance getting there or even needing to use a bedside cammode all means compromising privacy, make sure you communicate with your loved ones or caregivers about how this makes you feel and how you can become more comfortable goes a long way. Some boundaries I asserted to maintain my privacy are:

-When using a bedside cammode I have a lap blanket so I am not exposed, it gets cleaned often so as to keep the environment more normal and sanitary feeling and I can sit there by myself until I need help wiping or transferring back to bed.

-When I need assistance changing my protection not making eye contact during it helped, we make random conversation during it so it is not awkward and if I feel I can help or do it on my own I do.

-Checks or questions about the current condition of my protection are to always happen in private, never in front of company and never assume another person knows. Even if you know another person knows do not ask me in front of others.

Equipment/ Protection

There are alot of things available for now for people with incontinence and what works for you depends totally on your type of incontinence as well as your physical limitations.

Bedside Cammodes- This can be great for someone with urge or functional incontinence. Having one right by the bed or your favorite chair means you dont need as much time to get to the bathroom, it is also easier to get to than to get all the way to a bathroom for someone with physical limitations.

Bed Pans/Bed urinals- This can be handy for someone who knows when they need to go but cannot make it to the bathroom due to injury or being bedridden.

Pads, Underwear, Briefs- Absorbent protection comes in all types of absorbency levels ranging from pads for dribbles to underwear for the occasional light or mild accident to super absorbent underwear or briefs for moderate to severe accidents. Plastic backed briefs or plastic pants/covers can help minimize odor from bowel incontinence as well.

Bed pads/waterproof covers- This can help save furniture and matresses from unavoidable leaks, matress covers also help prevent the smell of urine that builds overtime with long term bedwetting.

Catheters- this is something that should be prescribed by a medical professional if needed, there are various types and sizes and collection systems.

I honestly use most of these things pending my situation. I have no bladder control as I do not get ques to go and I have loss of some bowel control. I use underwear at home on good days when I can manage my protection on my own but I use briefs overnight and for long car rides or outtings. I use a bedside cammode when needed to move my bowels as I struggle to get to the toilet on time due to my own physical limitations. I cath before bed or intercourse to minimize leaking and when I have skin breakdown, bed sores or changes are difficult due to my joint subluxations my dr will put in an indwelling foley catheter.

What you use needs to be comfortable and right for you but it can help you gain back some independence and help minimize the exposure of your condition to people you do not want knowing, if you have an accident without protection everyone sees it, if you have one with protection you just gotta clean up. Honestly finding protection that worked for me gave me my life back.

Traveling With Incontinence

This can be difficult for some people and honestly can deter many people from traveling. Here are some tips ive learned in my experience:

1. Carry a go bag. I keep a bag with extra protection, a spare change of clothes and wipes in my vehichle at all times. So if I am ever blindsided I am prepared.

2. On car rides plan on extra time to stop if you need it.

3. In a car, if comfortable, on long drives (cross country trips a couple of times) I have used external catheters or foleys with a perscription when changes would be difficult.

4. When traveling by plane, protective garments can take up quite a bit of space in luggage and add to the weight. I order supplies to or send some to my destination so it will be there when I arrive and I can have all of my suitcase room.

5. Ask a flight attendant for a seat close to the bathroom, if you ask before boarding and explain you have a medical condition most of the time they are more than willing to accamodate.

6. Handicapped bathrooms and family facilities provide more space and privacy and are usually kept cleaner, this usually makes them safer for catheterization and garment changes.

Hospital Admittance with Incontinence

1. While your incontinence may be documented somewhere on your chart, if it is not what you are currently being seen for more often than not the staff and healthcare providers will have no idea. You should share this information with a nurse or Dr. when you get admitted so they do not find out later when you need assistance and they did not know.

2. If you need help managing your incontinence while inpatient it is your responsibility to let them know that and assert your needs.

3. Bring your own protection. While hospitals do carry briefs and pads what they have may not be what works for you.

4. The curtain around your bed is for you for your privacy, do not be afraid to use it or ask someone to draw it for you during changes (wether independent or assisted) or use of bedside cammodes or urinals.

5. If an accident occurs let staff know strait away, staying in soiled sheets or clothes can cause damge to your skin and infections.

6. If your needs are not being met or you feel you cannot bring them up on your own, ask for a patient advocate.

Skincare

Alot of skin problems can come with Incontinence ranging from chaffing, rashes and infections to bedsores.

1. Change as soon as you can after an accident.

2. Using absorbent protection can help pull the moisture away from your skin.

3. Make sure your skin is completely dry before putting on fresh protection. Pat dry instead of rubbing.

4. Be careful of what you put on your skin. Ointments and barrier creams can be helpful but some things advertised for cleaning those areas can actually be harmful and cause further skin breakdown, if you are unsure, as your doctor or urologist.

I hope this post was helpful. I am kind of wanting to do a series of posts with tips and education on things I have experienced to share with others in support and awareness. Please do not be afraid to reblogg this with some of your own added tips!!!!

#mine #incontinence #disabled #disability #disability awareness #incontinence awareness #itsokaytowear #bladdersmatter #incontinent #urinary incontinence #overactive bladder #bladder control #bladder incontinence #bowel incontinence

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