I just remembered that I went into the ER last year for suspected appendicitis (to the point where the doctor had me in the ct machine immediately after an iv was placed) and after looking at things he said “maybe you had a cyst that ruptured? 🤷🏻”

And today, many months later, I just learned that any rupturing cyst should be considered dangerous, and some especially so because an infected one can cause sepsis and all this man had for me was “there’s not too much blood in your abdomen” and he didn’t give me anything more than toradol— when he suspected either an organ or an organ’s ornament was ruptured or actively rupturing, he only gave me fucking toradol and that was expected to have helped (it didn’t, and morphine didn’t touch my pain the second time in the ER).

What the fUCK

(Also it was endometriosis ((which took seven fucking years to diagnose)) and I did have a perfectly round cyst on my ligament, for decor)

Double also, he said everything was fine and didn’t tell me about the findings of arthritis in my hip!! Like god dammit would you PLEASE

Dysmenorrhea and possible endometriosis got me like

(For context, Mary’s menstrual cycles were said to be exceptionally painful and many suspect she may have had endometriosis and/or PCOS)

i just looked at the pain scale and realized my idea of pain is very different so here's my pain scale for my period cramps

zero - i'm not in any pain.

one to three - i have some physical discomfort, such as being able to feel my uterus contracting, but it's barely noticeable. my pain is a dull ache that does not prevent me from focusing or doing normal movement, but it is taking up more energy to do so.

four to five - my pain is making it harder to focus and do normal movement, but i can still do so even though it hurts. the pain will steadily get worse from this level so i will take painkillers as this pain serves as a warning. i will still go to work and other events. this is equivalent to what most people would think of as level six or seven pain.

six to seven - i have to sit or lay down and cannot walk more than very short distances. i need a distraction and am irritable. my pain is all i think about. i feel sick and it's hard to eat or talk. it's hard for me to concentrate.

eight to nine - i am bedridden. i will only get out of bed to use the bathroom or take painkillers, and doing so is extremely painful and difficult. my pain is bringing me to tears and i cannot focus on anything else. i cannot eat, talk, or move. i feel nauseous and light-headed, and people around me now notice that i am in pain. this is equivalent to what most people would deem level ten pain.

ten - i am unconscious due to my pain, or losing consciousness repeatedly.

so yeah, i'm definitely going to have to change how i describe my pain to doctors since my level ten is different to theirs. fun!

pain meds you are my wife. send post

Having chronic illness/es and then having to go through periods on top of it? gods bravest soldiers

about me and this blog

Reblogs and texts posts at the moment.

Autism, ADHD, chronic illness, art, and things I think are cute or cool or interesting. Other interests include space, being gay, nature, sailor moon, most animals, linguistics atheism, reading (of fiction and non), shiny things, soft things, and learning lots stuff about lots of things.

I am early 30s. Sometimes I may reblog things that are like, R-rated (e.g. jokes about dildos or funny anecdotes about sex) and I swear, but no NSFW images reblogs planned.

DMs may go unanswered because they sometimes stress me out but they are still welcome! asks too even though I'm a total newb about them!

Ummm new to Tumblr and trying to respect people's boundaries with likes/follows/reblogs but if I fuck up, I do I appreciate a very direct "please don't do that" if you're willing/able (but I won't take it personally if you need to just block me instead).

I aim to include descriptions when I can, and use the undescribed tag when I can't. I reblog a lot of art, some described some (tagged) undescribed. Feedback on my own IDs is welcome if you've got tips.

I think that's it for now!

pfp from the talented @magentasnail (pfp ID: a drawing of Autism Creature with purple line art. Autism creature is wearing headphones and looking out with a neutral expression.) (Banner ID: digital painting of pink and purple clouds like a sunset over some trees, reflected in water. The colors match the pfp.)

This is the thing about chronic illness that I keep trying to wrap my head around; it's chronic.

The horrors persist.

The horrors will continue to persist.

I've run out of medical interventions, I've run out of options. And at the same time I know I can't keep running away from my life. It's an excuse, and a valid one at that, but I'm tired of it derailing my life. But I have no choice.

As this disease perseveres in my body, I will have to persevere with my life in spite of it.

I am strong and resilient, and this is a good thing, but I wish I could be soft too. A soft version of me died many years ago. Years before the inflammation and pain took over my body. I wonder plenty about causation and correlation but I don't believe it's really of any consolidation now. Thinking about it isn't helpful.

I am grateful my condition is periodic. At least I get breaks. Others aren't so lucky with their medical misfortunes.

Although I generally endeavour to keep a zen mindset, a little 'woe is me' is good for the soul, I think. It can be cathartic. I'm allowed to shout out to the universe and to the void that this sucks. Because it does. It fucking sucks.

PCOS is wild. I haven't had a proper flow in months because I couldn't do much physical exercise bc of disability but the moment I'm able to finally do some, I get the bloodiest painful period I had in over a year what the fuck

And the mood of the day is......

Everyone with dysmenorrhea deserves a kiss on the forehead right nOW

me when i’m on my period:

to the gynecologist who told me to just take ibuprofen for my severe period cramps: fuck you i just fainted from the pain in my hallway after taking an extra strength advil

I can't go to my local pride today because of fucking hell week and I'm so tired of my goddamn period dictating my life

Adjusting to my longed-for hysterectomy has continued to be surprising and rewarding. The vastly reduced endometriosis symptoms are almost the least of it. I know how to adjust to pain. The impact of being sterile and no longer menstruating has a much stronger effect on me. My ease with my own body and inhabiting it is much smoother. My body dysmorphia and dysphoria is no longer cyclically-devastating. It's clear to me now that I had a cycle of dread and suicidal ideation tied to my menstrual cycle. Now that I no longer bleed or have most menstrual symptoms, I no longer have a week or two month to wind up up up into intolerable devastation and then need to spend another week or so winding down from my distress.

I am happier. I cry more easily. I recognize the specifics of what I'm feeling and process the emotions much more readily. I am still sleeping more than usual, and much more than usual when I have exercised that day. I still feel funny twinges and pulls in my abdomen. I still have pelvic floor sensitivity. My PT exercises for those lingering surgical effects are enough, and recovering from surgery does not distress me.

Being profoundly weaker than before surgery is an interesting exercise in feeling vulnerable. I rarely felt physically vulnerable pre-op. I have always been very strong, and almost limitless. I had the strength to do anything and the stamina to do it as much as I'd wish. Now I regularly have the disconcerting experience of running out of energy. Like a car out of gas, instead of a slow, winding-down of ability with rising clumsiness as a warning that tomorrow I will be slow and sore. The effect is more like running out of energy when I'm sick with a fever than the process of tiredness I am more used to.

But it doesn't distress me. I was distressed most of the time, before. Endo flares would leave me furious, feeling sick in my soul, betrayed, and hopeless. And in agony, of course. I was in pain most of the time.

I dream of being pregnant so much more lately than I ever have before. But instead of being trapped in a syrupy nightmare of unwilling gestation, now I realize in my sleep that this is impossible. I'm sterile. and the dream changes in a blink of an eye to something totally innocuous.

I have fewer nightmares now, and I remember my dreams more. Usually I don't even remember that I have dreamed. Now I often wake up with linger flashes of awareness that I was dreaming, and a little knowledge of the context that fades quickly. I know that I dream almost every night, instead of only knowing that I had a nightmare once every few months.

So many interesting, unforeseen effects. I wish I had been able to have a hysterectomy when I was fourteen, and started having menstruation so painful I curled into the fetal position and was unable to straighten for days on end. What a different life I would have had! Free, for nearly all my adolesence. From the first time I learned what menstrution was, I was horrified and sickened by the idea of being subjected to it. And it was truly horrible. Free now, and free to reclaim as much of the childhood I wanted, now. But grieving the years of being medically suffocated and physically tortured by my incurable and previously untreated condition.

Sometimes I feel like I was so disgusted by being cursed with a uterus and breasts that my body turned on me and made me suffer in turn. For many years, that thought was one of my regular torments. Now I can turn that thought away. Another change.

i do not give a fuck if menstrual cramps are “normal” they are a form of chronic pain that can be extremely disabling and that is extremely treatable. if your menstrual cramps are interfering with your quality of life and you have access to medical care then you absolutely can and should seek treatment!

tw for female reproductive issues:

you know what I don't miss, eight months after my hysterectomy? periods. nope. don't miss 'em. toooooooootally okay not having them.

this isn't even a gender dysphoria thing since I'm technically still cis hetero and identify as female, I just. never liked my period. I am not one of those women who didn't mind them. I hated the pain and suffering and misery and I'm very, very happy the monthly menace is gone.

10/10 highly recommend if you can convince a doctor to do it