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hoppipolla · 1 year

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Underwater: a Jae Won rambling

There’s a scene in the trailer in which Jae Won says he’s tired of wearing a mask while being with other people.

As @heesulovebot pointed out in another post, we seldom see Jae Won without it. The only time we saw him without it was when Ji Hyun came to see him after noticing that he had left in a hurry to smoke. In that scene, Jae Won avoids looking directly at Ji Hyun and it’s only when he’s about to leave that he finally meets his eyes. He only does so because Ji Hyun stood in front of him and made him look at him. Ji Hyun’s decision to tell his name right this instant is a way to tell Jae Won that he genuinely wants to get to know him no matter which side of him he decides to present himself with, no matter if he stays true or lie to himself. By telling his name, Ji Hyun strived to keep Jae Won grounded because he noticed how weary he was.

Jae Won uses gentle touches to keep Ji Hyun grounded and to make sure he feels at ease, whereas Ji Hyun’s way of caring feels very much like him: he gives his full attention. Ji Hyun’s eyes speak volumes and he has this very steady gaze when looking at Jae Won which seems to anchor him when his thoughts are overwhelming.

Jae Won’s mask is highly emphasised by the use of shallow focus. Soon after the opening scene, Jae Won is seen from behind but the camera keeps the fish tank in focus instead of him. In the same vein, in the beginning of episode 2, Jae Won is not out-of-focus but he is seen from behind the fish tank.

The use of out-of-focus shots implies how Jae Won is someone hard to grasp. Again, as @heesulovebot accurately pointed out, he goes with the flow and to do so he doesn’t need to be himself. The camera doesn’t show us a clear image of his face because we, as viewers, have yet to see it. The fact that the first images we see of him are from behind is also quite relevant and in keeping with the fact that he rarely shows his true self.

The fish tank is also an object I wanted to comment on. In episode 1, when Jae Won and his “friends” are arguing, the music and the background noises fade out and nothing can be heard except for their own voices. It’s only when Jae Won is pushed onto the ground by Tae Hyung that the music comes back again along with the familiar background noises of a restaurant during an evening shift. The abrupt interruption of the music playing is reminiscent of when you’re under water and that all noise is muffled. That’s exactly how Jae Won feels. Whenever people envy him, tell him how “worry-free” he is, he starts dissociating in an effort to control his feelings. By doing so, he forces himself to brush off these words which he knows are not true. But these misconceptions still hurt. They hurt him but he cannot say anything back because he is aware of the image he has created for himself. He didn’t choose to create this image for himself but people kept on assuming the kind of person he was (because of his family situation, his physical appearance, his rigour etc.) and so he eventually let his true self hide behind this shallow mask so he could appear and act exactly like how people saw him. People just didn’t see him, no matter what he did.

Jae Won is stuck underwater: his true self is almost impossible to grasp for it is as changing as the shimmer of the light on the water.

Looking at him through the fish tank is like seeing a distorted image (version) of himself. The directors precisely chose this angle to highlight the fact that Jae Won does wear a mask whenever he is surrounded with other people. The scene in which Ji Hyun tells him his name is all the more touching because at that moment, his mask was cracking and through the cracks his pain and emptiness could be seen. He would have never allowed himself to look so vulnerable if Ji Hyun had been someone else. But no one was there except for Ji Hyun. That freshman he knows nothing about but around whom he feels strangely at ease.

#the eighth sense #kdrama #im jisub #oh juntaek #I hope you don't mind me tagging you @heesulovebot :( I'm sorry for bothering you with this #I just wanted to credit you for the accurate text post you wrote about the scene mentioned #*enjoy my nonsense #*t8s analysis

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pureanonofficial · 3 months

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Backed the losing side, Florence Vassy!

Took you for a ride, Florence Vassy!

You just haven't got the instinct of a winner!

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lupfull · 3 months

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how the fuck are you supposed to save things for therapy another day instead of lashing out at people during conversation. by then i'll feel like an emotionless dead corpse when right now i feel like there's Gods pulling on my arteries like fishing line with my skin being what's caught on the thousand hooks

#luptxt #sorry for the nonsensical posts and comments lately i'm currently fucking psychotic and only posting 10% of what is in my mind #seriously though this has always struck me as far more difficult than reasonable because #most of me has that “everyone talking is an adult so you can have a normal adult convo and talk about things”#(subtext “why would you need to wait until x days later and try have the conversation with some doctor who isn't even The person”)#and then some of me is “my fury is divine and i can see the cracks in the air that everyone is afraid to fall in. i have to tell them what #they can't see and if they don't listen to me then it's proof the air knows i'm hiding from its trap and my only option is to attack #everything i can just to try hold on through this wave of it trying to drag me under. why can't they see the lights and why can't they feel #the disgusting marking fire that the air is sending under my skin like needles. why can't they see or help that and why won't they listen“#and then finally i'm like okay yeah a medical professional is kind of needed here probably

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misc-magic · 1 month

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My therapist told me that I need to make small bits and pieces my goals instead of trying to do everything all at once. And like she's right, I know I should do that but you have to understand, when I write it's 2k-3k words in one sitting or nothing at all.

So I said, okay. I'm gonna write 100 words. That's it, that's the whole goal.

And I wrote about 550 until I realized what I was writing didn't fit with the spot in the story where I had it and then I derailed myself trying to figure out if I could move it or if I'd have to rewrite it. I still don't know which it is.

But that's a problem for future me. 'Cause present me wrote more than 100 words, so goal accomplished!

Except that I still feel like I did nothing.

#trying not to be frustrated with myself #because secretly I was hoping I'd trick myself into writing 2k as usual #if I just started the momentum with the 100 goal #but as soon as I couldn't figure out what to do with the scene my brain blanked #and now it feels like static again #don't mind me I'm just nonsense posting on main #personal #misc rambles

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norashelley · 8 months

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My brother who I haven't seen in 4 years has been visiting the past few weeks and I haven't been going online during that time but when I check tumblr I find they are trying to do away with avatar's! How am I supposed to know who posted what while I'm scrolling? Do they really think people are going to stop and read each user name? Do they really think I remember each user name? I always associate people with their avatar not their url! I complained to @staff about it and this is what they tell me "We’re always testing new ways to make Tumblr better, and it looks like your account may have been selected to experience a test of one of these improvements." How is this making it better?! This is so much worse! Why did you have to select me? I didn't ask for this, no one asked for this! If they decide to keep this idk how active I can keep being on here, I never thought anything could make me stop using tumblr but this might be it.

#personal post #complaining #don't mind me i go for awhile and then show back up just to complain #tumblr nonsense #they are seriously trying their hardest to make tumblr unusable #also the text is all small and scrunched together!#i can barely see anything on my dash!#this is a disaster!#why would people want to use something they can't see and can't tell who posted?!

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ltcolonelcarter · 1 year

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For the DVD commentary ask game:

Yes, it's more than 500 words, but I was about to chose the last passage of chapter 6 from "a question of time" when Sixty and Connor meet.

I love that interaction so much!💙

So, I would like to hear some of your thoughts, if you have the time and energy!

As Connor shifted his method of attack, Sixty’s body reactive instinctively. Instead of activating a firewall to prevent unwanted data transfer, it opened to mutual data sharing; a blue glow under the plastic lit their skin, bleaching it of what little colour it had, turning them ghostly.

In a rush, Sixty felt Connor's experience every bit as much as he did his own, heart racing, tense limbs, fear and anger backed by—

Absolutely nothing.

Red lines flashed across his vision for milliseconds at a time, forming a giant matrix that encompassed the room, swallowing him entirely, but he saw nothing beyond Connor’s face.

Sixty grabbed Connor again, harder, as the blue faded from their skin and Connor started blinking as he returned to himself.

“There was nothing.” Sixty’s voice was a coarse snarl. “I saw nothing in you. How is that possible?”

LED yellow and spinning, Connor seemed to recover more slowly than Sixty. His mouth parted and he breathed slowly, releasing warm air in the narrow space between them, eyes moving back and forth over Sixty’s face, something dark and active coiled in the space behind them.

“How have you—” Connor blinked again and let go of Sixty’s hand. “What did you do to Hank?”

Sixty had been so afraid that Connor would deviate him, to pass on his flaw with a light touch and a flash of static, that he’d ignored all other potential outcomes.

Connor’s face changed, hardening as he processed the fragments of memory he’d glimpsed. His initial wariness was back and dominating his features—he no longer seemed uncertain, nor did he seem content to wait and analyse. He leaned forward of his own accord, searching Sixty’s face for evidence of guilt, for confirmation of what he already knew.

A wrenching twist in Sixty’s chest followed the change. Where he should have felt gratified to see Connor so strongly affected, he felt trepidation, sensed imminent danger.

He shoved Connor away from him, throwing as much of his weight into the movement as possible. Anticipating the move, Connor stumbled backwards but caught himself before he fell, arms outstretched to maintain his balance.

Sixty’s hand ghosted along his waistband, reaching obviously for his gun, his priority haste over stealth, careless that Connor would notice so long as he armed himself first.

Instead of grazing smooth gunmetal, Sixty’s hand brushed something else, equally cold but smaller, its shape indistinct through fabric and brief contact. It stalled him, pulled him back to another place, a heavy tension—cold fingers and colder air, the last vestiges of frustration and pain, overtaken with small but soothing defiance…

Three gunshots shattered Sixty’s thoughts at the same time as his chest panelling.

Three bullets to the pump regulator and surrounding systems, close grouping, damaging the biocomponent far beyond repair and causing critical thirium loss in fewer than seven seconds.

Sixty allowed himself to fall backwards, feeling the warm spread of blood across his skin, the tightening in his chest. His collision with the floor knocked the breath from him and he closed his eyes; at the same moment his hand reached into his pocket to remove the cause of his distraction and found chilled metal—glacial, as if it carried winter with it.

Connor paused, gun raised, stance steady, watching him fall. He took a step forward, cautious and slow, weapon still trained on Sixty, who didn’t notice him at all; he’d let his head fall back on the floor and watched the lights blur and swim as the thirium flowing through his processors ran thin. His thoughts stalled and faded, one at a time, until he was left with only the feel of cold metal as he pulled his hand from his pocket and pulled it up to eye level.

Above him, Connor murmured something soft, but it was lost to him—his audio processors had already shut down and he focused his remaining energy on lifting his arm to see what had cost him his victory.

He tipped his head sideways as his fingers, clumsy and numb, dropped the object he’d pulled from his pocket. Blinking repeatedly to clear his vision, his eyes caught something small and dark and gleaming in the cold blue light, rolling in a wide arc away from his face. Sixty’s brow creased and his arm, losing strength, fell back to his side as he watched it rock gently to rest on the grey floor.

The black king.

my DARLING (this ask meme)

for starters kisses your face I love you dearly

I have a lot of thoughts about these scenes with Sixty, and not all of my thoughts make it into chapters, so I'll try and expand around those. Also: warning for not-quite spoilers in case anyone wants to avoid upcoming stuff in chapter 7 - nothing I haven't foreshadowed, but maybe something you haven't pieced together (and certainly stuff Sixty hasn't processed).

this chapter was a MESS of a thing to write. I knew from day one I wanted an achronological chapter, a haphazard mix of thought and feeling that made about as much sense to the audience as the experience does to Sixty, but I had literally no clue if it would work in-text. It was going to start out more complicated but I simplified it for word count and clarity. I wanted to achieve several things:

first, Sixty hits a low

second, Sixty starts to lose what little discipline he has left and starts listening to his wants more than his mission, which alienates him from Amanda and leads us to:

third. because of the above, Sixty experiences consequences inside his closed loop, but they don't arrive in the way he expects.

four. for fun. Sixty realises (or starts to realise) that he’s been so preoccupied with the obvious (connor, the mission) that he’s missed something critical

sooooo in every instance, here and in previous chapters, I wanted sixty to forcibly cut himself off from Connor. he sees an uncrossable void between them but his perception is VERY skewed – he holds a contradictory view of Connor: Connor is deviant, so Connor is a failure. despite all of Connor’s failures, Sixty is still trying to match him, still trying to overtake him in Amanda’s eyes – and it’s complicated somewhat by him imitating Connor in the beginning. Here it manifests as Sixty expecting violence from Connor when Connor is reaching out to understand. This backfires horribly for two reasons:

Sixty misreads Connor, because his perception of Connor is so flawed he cannot make accurate predictions of his actions; his two-dimensional perception of Connor is just a reflection of how he’s afraid to be seen himself, an archetype of failure. Amanda uses Connor’s failure as a very effective motivator, in the same way we see Amanda use praise and disapproval to motivate machine!Connor in-game. Dumbass Sixty can’t see past who he thinks Connor is, and so Connor surprises him

Connor can SEE him now. Properly. He offered to take Sixty with him before and of course Sixty didn’t believe him, but it was genuine. Connor looked at Sixty and saw himself: a machine designed to accomplish a task, held hostage by his own mission. Sixty desperately does not want to be compared to Connor, even though he does it to himself compulsively…and this time Connor knows how different they are. Interface means he not only knows what Sixty has done but that he feels no remorse for it. Any chance of cooperation is lost completely.

Connor attacks, of course. Sixty takes this as more evidence that he and Connor are fundamental opposites, rather than the truth: he has set himself to be diametrically opposed to Connor and all of the problems come from his resulting actions, not some grand design from Amanda or CyberLife. He doesn’t hesitate in trying to fire back.

Naturally that doesn’t end well either. This time (compared to the other loops) Sixty isn’t too slow, or too angry – he hasn’t made a fundamental error that leads him to getting shot, he’s distracted by something else.

Okay so I have always been SUPER aware that in choosing to write a time loop some stuff is going to be crazy boring to read because it’s repetitive by nature. I’ve tried to weave interesting things into the narrative on purpose to negate that, and focus on different aspects in loops that are similar… and that also let me lay groundwork for the subtle shifts loop to loop. They aren’t quite the same. They do vary. For example, from chapter 3:

It wasn’t right. He remembered last time: there’d been two night-shift guards, bored and ill-mannered, who’d verified his identity and then waved them on without pause. He checked the time and found there was fewer than two minutes’ difference between arrival times—they were later this time, but not late enough to explain the guards' absence. Instead of following Hank, Sixty looked over the partition to the desk below, searching for signs of recent activity: thermal residue from the presence of a warm human, a recently used coffee cup, an idling computer, anything. He found nothing at all. It didn’t look like anyone had used the space in hours. Stepping backwards slowly, mind consumed with unanswered questions, Sixty followed Hank’s voice when he called out, though he didn’t hear the words. He remembered. He’d scanned his palm… Hank had reluctantly flashed his badge-- “Connor. What are you waiting for?”

Sixty fixates on change because change is threatening. It adds an element of unpredictability to his loops, and unpredictability has an unfortunate habit of leading him to die and restarting the loop.

This time he’s carrying something he shouldn’t have. He picked up a chess piece in the garden – a general fuck you to the universe for messing with him, a way to strike back and mess up the game he feels forced to play. I love that reactive, selfish, childish part of Sixty and wanted him to show it whenever possible – more so as the fic progresses, as he gets angrier and less concerned about showing it. Taking the king was tantamount to taking control, pulling something back in an environment that is entirely out of his control, a game that he isn’t playing, he’s just caught up in it.

Fun behind the scenes fact: I’m gonna gif some fic stuff because I cannot RESIST this kind of self indulgence, but the chess stuff came from this scene in Last Chance, Connor where I noticed a chessboard in the frozen Zen Garden. It’s never referenced in-game, but I wondered… was Amanda supposed to be playing? Who with? I want to know. So I’m taking fic-flavoured liberties and writing my own version.

I like to think of Sixty’s emotionality as a strength, when it’s not wild an unchecked… an asset he could use if he chose to follow in Connor’s footsteps and embrace deviancy. He wouldn’t, of course, because following Connor would be tantamount to becoming him, and that’s unthinkable. He unknowingly cuts himself off from all growth because to grow and develop means following in Connor’s footsteps – and Sixty can’t see any further than that, even though beyond that he’d be able to become his own person. I love the tragedy of him constantly getting in his own way.

This’ll be a theme for the next chapter, and is one of my favourite ways to interpret Sixty in fan works: because he’s a copy, because of Amanda’s influence, he's searching for his own identity. He makes the critical beginner mistake of defining himself against Connor, which of course doesn’t distance them from each other at all. He won’t be able to become his own person until he learns to move past Connor, which of course is REALLY difficult when you’re… reliving the same night over and over again.

ANYWAY. The shift at the end of chapter 6 isn’t a failure on Sixty’s part this time, it’s a paradigm shift because the game has changed. Something is different. The price Sixty pays for noticing this is another death, another loop. He doesn’t even have time to speculate on the meaning before he dies, he’s already being pulled back into the storm…

The point of the black king is for Sixty to have brought something from the zen garden with him, in a way that shouldn’t be possible. I’ve discussed this before, most notably in chapter 5:

When he came to a stop, he flexed his hands experimentally, testing the tendons and joints. They were fine—just fine—almost no different from how they felt in the zen garden. There was little difference between physical reality and a simulated one: his synthetic brain processed all stimuli in the same way, regardless of its origin, so when his sensors told him he experienced the warmth of the summer sun, he did so. When they told him ice crystals were growing in his joints, seeded by microscopic imperfections in the metal and plastic, he felt the grind and burn every bit as much as if it were happening to a physical body, not just a projection of one For the same reason he shivered, the memory of the snow almost as strong as the sensation itself.

I wanted to discuss how android perceive reality. If you sense the world as so much data, how do you distinguish between different modes of being? Would reading data be the same as experiencing it? Would experiencing a virtual reality, like Amanda’s garden, feel the same as a real, physical world? Does “real” world even have a meaning in that kind of situation?

And, maybe most importantly for Sixty, how would you begin to tell the difference? Well, if you were smart and not distracted, maybe you’d steal something digital – a little object, something no-one would really miss, as a kind of test. If you woke up and it was still there… 😏

thank you SO so much for this kisses your face 💕 I love rambling about sixty and my convoluted plans for this fucked up time loop✨

#i started off with a simpler version of this fic in mind tbh #and now it's More Complicated but for once I don't think that's a bad thing #it's still just a thinly veilled excuse to put my favourite jumped-up string bean through various Difficult scenarios #but now I can explore some vaguely philosophical nonsense through sixty's ongoing crises........ and that's a bonus for me #time loop sixty #long post #asks #leelanys-world #fic stuff #writing stuff #ask meme #and now... back to drafting chapter 7 👀

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mvdeanw · 2 years

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That funky moment when you get a notification about some silly post you made at some point in a split second of pure insanity (txt posts or not so great edits). 🤦‍♀️

And these posts are so overwhelmingly funny and silly and emotional at the same time. You laugh and think; why the heck did I post that for?! What I was thinking?! 😅

And you duck your head in utter embarrassment, thinking: How do people see these posts anyway? Why do they reblog these posts in the first place so you can helplessly witness them over time and not be able to delete them? Why, when you have better things lying around unbothered.. 😌🤦‍♀️

In these moments, I am mostly relieved and grateful that people tend to only like my stuff because when they don't reblog, only they and I can experience the thrill of that moment. 😎🥳

That was fun to make. 😋😅🥰

#don't mind me #just thinking aloud #silly moments #mvdeanw txt #dean winchester #my sweet dork 💚#helped me visualise my nonsense #😹😅🤦‍♀️#if only it was possible to delete everything you ever posted permanently..#mvdeanw gifs #big mood #spn various

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missinglittlebritishfriend · 2 years

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I'M FREEEEEEEEEE

#where's my happy tho i specifically requested it #ok so i just had my final cello exam/concert #and it was fine i guess #although it wasn't really a concert because no one came to see me #it was only my dad and my brother lol #the cellist before me brought her whole family and a lot of people went to see the other one after me #some of them are friends who i invited to see me but they didn't go #i actually posted on other social media about the concert and some people said they were gonna go #well at least that put less pressure on me. i guESS #i didn't actually expect anyone to go but they my teacher asked me why didn't i invite anyone #and if i even had any friends #how do i tell her i DID but no one came anyways and it's not like they're my close friends #i don't have those anymore and that's exactly how i want it. no i won't elaborate on why we'll be here all day #i don't mind it but her calling me out hurt #reminded me of my mom #oh btw she has covid and me probably too but i still had to play while trying not to cough #that was fun #oof this got long #I'm okay i prommy #val's nonsense

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microsuedemouse · 7 months

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rly forgot how precarious a position you can put yourself in just by tagging cartoon fandom posts

#bro I just wanna be able to organise my own blog #without having to come up with complicated custom tags.#honestly if I'm gonna continue turtleposting I might unlist my blog for a bit #that thing just now was a VERY mild issue but. it does always weird me out when my posts breach containment #there are some things you don't mind getting out of your expected circle but. when I am liveblogging cartoon nonsense. I don't love it

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medicinemane · 8 months

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Piece of advice is to always thank people for bring you bad news, so long as it's bad news you need to know to do something about it

Like that's really the only context I can think of bringing bad news in, so like... feel free to ignore if they're somehow just being spiteful with it, but like if they're coming to you like "yeah, you bed turned to goop while you were out and you need to get a new one", yeah that's not the sort of thing you want to hear but you probably need to know about it so you can fix it

The reason to thank them is so that you don't accidentally take your frustration over the bad news out on them, cause if you do that you won't get bad news and that means you won't be able to make accurate decisions when you're missing key info

Always gotta reward the behavior you want people to do if you want it to keep happening

#that's not what this post is actually about #this post is about someone that's not on here doing something that they don't mean anything by but is the wrong thing to do #because while I know that's not how they mean it so I'll ignore it; it feels like a bit of a kick in the gut #so this is me sharing what to do right rather than saying what someone's done wrong #... for a number of reasons; some less healthy than others #but one of the reasonable reasons being that I'd rather focus on what is good to do instead of what's bad #but just... mind your words; cause if you say stuff thoughtlessly you'll find other people's behavior shifts or dries up #so in my opinion it's better to actively affirm that you appreciate stuff rather than even just saying nothing #and this is more shifting back to what I was saying in the post; but that includes when you're annoyed #if someone pissed you off but they're doing something you want them to keep doing... need to reward it #like... lets say that... lets say you've got a kid and they ask annoying ass questions #well bad news; you probably want them to come to you with questions about important stuff later #so sadly the only wise move is to swallow your irritation and be grateful they're asking you; and do what you can to answer honestly #which funny enough is also the polite move #or at the very least as politely as possible explain it's not them it's you; but you're just too damn tired to answer questions #less ideal and more likely to shut things down; but it's still better than being actually nasty; and maybe you just are too tired #...I don't know #it's all kind of just nonsense rambling

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possthrowaway4q · 1 year

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I've learned/realized a lot about my health issues recently, and I... really need some opinions. Particularly from people with traumatic brain injuries. So I'm gonna share my story.

Major Trigger Warning: birth complications, asphyxiation, seizures, child endangerment, medical neglect

(Sorry this isn't under a readmore I have literally never been able to use them on mobile without breaking the post)

I was lied to about my birth story. I was told by my mother that I came into the world a beautiful and perfectly healthy baby (and in her defense she very well could've convinced herself of this). This is, according to what my dad told me now that I'm an adult, completely false. My mother and I both almost died. The doctors didn't believe she was in labor yet. Called it Braxton Hicks for multiple days. Wasn't until one of them actually checked and saw my head that they believed her. Came out completely blue with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and was totally silent when they unwrapped me. Had to spend multiple days in the NICU in one of those oxygen tents. Don't know a lot of the details because apparently it wasn't discussed much. No idea if the doctors said anything about potential long-term issues and even if they did, there's no guarantee my parents kept an eye out properly. Didn't find out until a few years ago that I had hallucinations and frequent vivid nightmares as a young kid and the person mentioning it clearly didn't think much of it, despite me vaguely remembering seeing two separate child therapists around that age. Like, early elementary, I think.

That's not the only event though. Summer between 5th and 6th grade I had a drug-induced seizure. I was being watched by a family member who was kind of notorious for hoarding all sorts of medications. Including ones she was no longer prescribed. She didn't keep everything in their proper bottles either, moving pills between and re-labeling them. Including putting prescriptions in OTC containers. I asked for something for a headache. She gave me a pill saying it was Tylenol - didn't even see the bottle it came out of - and left me be again. Wasn't long before I knew something was wrong. Thankfully, I had my phone in my hand and was able to text her before I lost complete control of my muscles. Dunno how long exactly the seizure lasted, but it must've been at least ten minutes because that's how far away my parents lived and they were there with me when it ended. Remember my dad picking me up and holding me until I could talk and move again. We never did go to the hospital. Idk if it's because we all assumed I was fine once it was over or if it was because no one wanted to get the family member in trouble. Would explain why she called my parents instead of an ambulance, I suppose.

Been thinking about that tonight. Realized I was never really the same after that. I went from all As in school to completely unable to keep up with most subjects. I couldn't think or focus, I was in a fog most of the time, was losing large gaps of time and couldn't remember both short and long term things, and shortly after that was the beginning of my three year long psychotic break. Everyone remembers how the start of middle school is when all my mental health symptoms went into overdrive and I was just. Notably worse. And to top it all off, I always have said that my memory of my past seems to only go back to a few substantial memories in 5th grade and everything prior basically doesn't exist most of the time.

So I guess my question is just... could I have brain damage? Birth asphyxia is bad enough, but a 10+ minute long seizure as a child? I'm pretty sure that's way past the threshold of a medical emergency/when permanent brain damage can start. But every time I mention the idea to anyone, it gets brushed off. Either because I "don't need another thing wrong with me" or "does it really matter?" or because neither thing are your typical ideas of a TBI.

Sure, I've got a bunch of other reasons I could have these symptoms. Even just on the mental health side, ADHD, autism, psychosis, dissociative disorder stuff, and it's been too long for any doctor to say definitively one way or the other if they even take me seriously. But... I don't know, could those have contributed? Hell, could that be the root source of some of it that no one connected to because we never talked about it after the fact? (I even completely forgot for a long time. Didn't think it was a big deal. Didn't really understand seizures at the time.) I can't emphasize enough how drastically my health changed after that seizure. But maybe it was just puberty or the increase in difficulty/stress from going from elementary to middle school.

Surely it's possible though that those things at least exacerbated underlying issues or something? I guess the root of my question is whether the traumatic brain injury community would have me. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully, publicly identify that way, but I still desperately want to know if I'd be welcomed if I tried. Could I really have brain damage or am I just being dramatic or a hypochondriac or something? I just wanna know why I'm so fucked up in the head.

#traumatic brain injury #tbi #seizures #brain damage #childhood traumatic brain injury #childhood tbi #idk what all to tag this as #long post #especially without wanting to clog people's dashes/the tags or make people see this who don't want to #this blog really is just turning into my place to ask sensitive questions that i don't know where to go with #and don't want people who know me to see #idk the thought just keeps floating around in my head #i know that mental health issues and chronic illness stuff can really mess with your mind but it's always felt... more?#but maybe that's just me wanting to be ~special~ or get those ~disability brownie points~ everyone likes to accuse people #with 'too much going on' of #fuckin pokémon catch em all nonsense but for reasons my body doesn't work

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imsilay · 8 months

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MANIA

obsessive love; very possessive and often jealous.

mdni NSFW! +18 cw: possessiveness, size k!nk, fem!reader, obsessive König, dominant König.

summary: König doesn’t wants you to leave him, even for a second. he finds excuses and makes it your problem so he could fuck you until you’re too sore to leave again.

i will post part 2 <3 (english isn’t my first language sorry for the mistakes) edit: posted! here

art cr: @kinky-thirsty-reader

He doesn’t like when you try to leave him…

After a long night, you were exhausted, your body sore from head to toe. You tried to sit up and leave the bed, but suddenly König's arm snaked around your waist and held you down. "Where do you think you're going, Prinzessin?" he whispered. "I need to shower." you mumbled as you put your hands on his forearms and tried to push him away, but it was a pathetic attempt. You were so powerless compared to him.

“So klein~” he cooed.

He chuckled at your struggles. "I don't think so, Schatz. You're staying here, in my bed, where you belong…" he purred, kissing the back of your neck and pulling you even closer, pressing your back against his chest. "König, stop the nonsense. Let go of me, i really need to shower." you protested— you wish you didn’t. His arms tightened around your midsection, reminding you that he could snap your spine effortlessly. "Are you talking back, Prinzessin? Did you forget you’re mine?" he whispered, his tone now edged with discontent. His grip was far from loving anymore. “Do i need to remind you?” he hissed, he would fuck you dumb until you understand that you’re his. His to use for his own satisfaction, his to kiss whenever he decided to do, his to touch wherever he wants. You were simply his.

When you realized you were in trouble, chills ran down your spine. You quickly apologized. "No, I was just... I don't like being sweaty. I'm sorry." Your apology made him loosen his grip a little. He placed a tender kiss on your neck. He turned you around as if you weighed nothing and pressed you against his chest.

“Hmm... let's see," his voice teased, his eyes twinkling with mischief. He sat up, leaning his back against the headboard and had you straddle him. He lowered his hands from your waist to your thighs and gently caressed them. You let out a groan of relief and wrapped your arms around his neck, savoring the sensation of your lover's massage on your sore muscles. However, your relief was short-lived because he wasn't finished with you yet. "You tried to escape my bed. So you need to be punished, Hase." He squeezed your thighs until the pain in your sore muscles became almost unbearable.

You cried and whined but he shushed you softly, soothing you. “We’re not done, Liebling.” It was clear that his tone had changed again. The anger and firmness had given way to something more gentle, almost loving.

You slurred something for forgiveness and apologize nonstop. “Don't be sorry, Hase. I didn't like seeing you try to escape from me." he said with a hint of a pout. "But I think i can make a exception for you this time. What about you let me…" his rough hands slowly caressed your inner thighs making you shiver and gasp in anticipation. “use you as i please, then maybe i could let you rest.” he murmured as his hand found its way to your already wet panties. Your breath hitched and you squirmed on his lap as he teased your cunt through your panties until you’re soaked for him.

“You’re so easy to seduce, Schatz.” he chuckled lightly but his voice stained with pure lust. He lifted your chin up with his free hand to take a look at your lovely face. Your eyes red, your skin flush from all the crying and stimulation. It was all for him… right?

“Immer so empfindlich, wenn ich so mit dir spiele.” (Always so sensitive when I play with you like this.) he mumbled in German like he always did. You never understand what he said -mind foggy with lust and too focused to chase that sweet release.

He grinned with a proud expression and mumbled to himself. “Braves Mädchen.” he whispered before lifting his balaclava up just enough to capture your lips in a long passionate kiss.

a/n: please support me by reblogging, if you liked it <3

a/n: also i post everyday -sometimes 2 posts in a day- so if you follow me i won’t disappoint ;)

#könig mw2 #konig x you #konig x reader #konig smut #konig x y/n #i know it’s könig #könig x y/n #könig smut #obsessed könig #könig x reader #könig x you #könig fanfiction #könig #silay

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rslashrats · 3 months

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🪰 housefly734 Follow

just a reminder that flies rubbing their hands together =/= plotting a nasty scheme

🪰 r0tt1ngm3at Follow

FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!! I HATE THE STEREOTYPE THAT US RUBBING OUR HANDS TOGETHER MEANS WE ARE PLANNING SOMETHING DUBIOUS!!

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

^^ Boosting! I constantly get non-flies giving me death glares whenever I wash my hands in the restroom. Like, that's what you're supposed to do after going to the bathroom! Sorry for being hygienic I guess 🙄

🪰 diptera-doll Follow

Reasons why flies might be rubbing their hands together:

It's chilly out and they're trying to warm up

They just put hand sanitizer/lotion/hand cream on

They're rolling a ball of clay together

What you should do if you see a fly rubbing their hands together:

Leave them alone! It's none of your business

Hope this helped! :)

🪰 flyhlghh Follow

people also forget that hand-rubbing is a very common stim!! neurodivergent flies constantly get stigmatized for showing any traits of their neurodivergencies in public!! please don't forget that!!

🐝 iamrealflytrustme Follow

I dont know about you losers but i like to rub my hands together because i am planning the most heinous and villanous crimes in my head

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

Wow, most obvious troll I have ever seen in my life. Get a life, dude 🙄

🪰 compoundeyehaver Follow

> claims to be a real fly

> has bee as their profile pic

dude couldn even get the right insect for their shitty troll account LMFAOOOOO

🐝 iamrealflytrustme Follow

No i am real fly and i am plotting to land on someones pie rn and ruin it with all my real fly germs. rubbing my hands together as i do it too

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

Anyone wanna bet this guy is some amphibian from 4frog typing this nonsense from their lilypad right now? Just me? Okay-

🐝 iamrealflytrustme Follow

I am buzzing around people's ears now

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

Yep, that pretty much confirms my theory. The nerve of some non-flies, I swear 🙄

🪰 batsianmimc Follow

@venus-fly-trap-hater

🪰 venus-fly-trap-hater Follow

this post is so real!! tysm babe for sending it to me 💞 ilyy

🪰 batsianmimc Follow

ILY too sugar cube 😘

🐝 iamrealflytrustme Follow

Can you guys stop kissing on this post its ruining my evil scheme planning

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

Can't believe this guy is still at it, honestly. @staff @tumblr Please take action against fake fly troll accounts such as these ones!

🐝 iamrealflytrustme Follow

Staff cant kill me i rubbed my hands on them too hard and they dieded sorry

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

🤣🤣🤣 Oh the excuses this fake is making, LOL! I haven't been this entertained since the Bombylius major discourse last year!

🪰 compoundeyehaver Follow

why are you still arguing with the troll instead of just blocking

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

Just think it's entertaining to see the lack of logic that bounces around in the brains of these non-flies sometimes 🤷‍♀️ Every response this so called "I am a real fly, trust me" user has given me has just made me crack up and flap my wings together.

🐝 iamrealflytrustme Follow

I am gonna rub my hands and plan more evil schemes involving you next

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

Heh, just try it, kid. Go on, I'll wait. 🥱

🦗 chirpingboy Follow

things are getting heated in the fly community

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

Of course a Grasshopper has the nerve to comment something insensitive on this post. Honestly, just mind your business 🙄

🦗 chirpingboy Follow

okayy

🦗 hopping-along-the-bank Follow

Hey, you can't really preach for not discriminating against flies and then discriminate against a grasshopper, dude. Not cool.

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

I think I certainty can, with my past experiences of Grasshoppers always finding the ways to say the most uneducated and baseless takes on my previous posts and discussions. Plus, after the Fly-Grasshopper War of 247 BC (in which my ancestors fought in, mind you) and the consequences that followed it, I think I am well within my rights. But go ahead, frame me as the bad guy here. 🤣

🦗 hopping-along-the-bank Follow

Yeah, you say this and conveniently ignore the socio-economic struggles that grasshoppers have been facing for the past century, many of these issues which were spearheaded by fly conservative politicians in office at the time.

So, yeah, it is rather hypocritical for you to pull out these cards when grasshoppers have also been punished and gotten the short end of the stick throughout bug history.

🪰 crane-fly-wives Follow

The implication that all flies are responsible for a few greedy politicians is quite comical, really. 🥱 Not to mention that many Grasshopper politicians in Bugland and Bugtopia have also had histories of introducing laws that have severely affected communities majorly made up of Flies. But sure, keep arguing with me about this, buddy. I got all day 🤣

🐝 iamrealflytrustme Follow

I am still rubbing my hands and planing schemes btw

🪰 flythatlovestogethigh Follow

anyone smoke bug weed in this thread

#bugs #insects #long post

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butterflybastard · 1 year

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“if they treated islam that way instead of christianity everyone would be upset but because christianity receives that treatment nobody cares”

I've seen this mentioned many times the last couple of months and I can’t help but want to cackle every time I hear it. the reason being, I've been simultaneously raised christian and muslim pretty much since I was a born until I became a teenager and rejected both religions (it’s a long story I'll spare you the ramblings).

anyways being raised that way has left me with twice the religious trauma (neat!) and I think and hope an insightful perspective regarding this statement about how it’s super “unfair” that Islam gets treated “better” than christianity. to me christianity and islam are unsettlingly similar expect for a few major differences. the first of those differences being (you guessed it!) discrimination. the disdain, violence, exclusion, disgust and hatred that are targeted at muslims is ya know dangerous. on the other hand in the current year and place where I live there is no discrimination towards christians (if anything they most of the time do the discriminating).

soooo criticizing, ridiculing and or rebelling against both of these religions comes with potentially very different consequences. what are some of the consequences for christianity? you’ll give people hurt by christianity comfort and or tools/motivation to break free from a religion that was probably forced upon them and some christians feewings get hurt UwU.

for islam tho? any criticism risks being used as the ammunition used by islamophobes to discriminate and harm innocents. maybe you think I'm making too big a deal out of this point but I'd like to point to the whole “narcissistic abuse” thing and ask you if you’ve ever wondered how that has impacted folks with npd. of course I think both people who have been hurt by islam and people who have been abused by someone with a stigmatized and demonized disorder absolutely should be able criticize that which has, and those who have, hurt them. but! I also think they owe it to those folks who have to deal with the fallout to at least try to criticize and vent in a way that doesn’t just transfer your pain onto them (and further stigmatize and demonize people).

so to the people who cry about shit like bikinis with the father, the son and the holy spirit printed on it and whine that this would never happen to islam and it’s unfair that christianity gets treated this way, I request that you cry harder and less loudly, because I assure you that your little tear puddle of righteous indignation is infinitesimal compared to the oceans of unending pain your funky little cult has caused countless innocents.

and to wrap this incoherent mess of my opinion and my feelings up. i think people should be free to follow their own religions and I also think people who have suffered by the hand of those religions are allowed to make art, jokes, sexually explicit material and what have you about those religions to cope with their trauma. but I personally draw the line at obliviously and ignorantly using coping strategies that happen to further contribute to discrimination, stigmatization and demonization of vulnerable people. and lastly I think I should be allowed to hunt the christian god for sport and eat his bones : )

#religious trauma #time for my excuses incase this post is hot garbage!! I'm dyslexic and English is not my native language #I try to stay far far faaaaar away from religious things to not be triggered so I'm not sure I've used the correct words for everything #still feel free to (preferably gently) correct me if I miss the mark or add onto this post if you feel like it #though I don't really wanna keep talking about this and especially not debate about this #so please keep that in mind if you wanna reply #not that I think anybody will but I gotta cover my bases just in case #also #is that last sentence genuine or joke? honestly whatever is funnier and numbs the pain better #i will not take criticism about how I talk about christianity from christians but #npd people are allowed to grab me by the ankles and throw me into the sun if my nonsense and potential fuckups were irritating #if you are christian and have npd... you can roundhouse kick me into a dirty pool?#it's 5 am and I'm slowly loosing the plot to my own rant #this is not a foolproof opinion and I haven't polished this rant enough so I know I messed up parts of it but it's how I genuinely feel #at the moment #I'll edit bits of this if I remember tomorrow but I need these thoughts outta my head to sleep #rabid ramblings

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nonsensical-pixels · 3 months

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as anyone who knows me will know, my house is a zoo i am a sucker for small rodents, especially guinea pigs and hamsters. last year for my 17th birthday i shared these deco guinea pigs, so this year today, for my 18th, have the natural progression of that post: a 4t2 conversion of @kaisosims' rodents pack! 20 new, modular, decorative fur-baby items & accessories for your sims to adore 🥰

everything that could have fitted slots has slots; the hamster shelf, notably, has a grand total of 15! all of the cages are stackable, i.e.: you can put the animals (which are purely deco) in them, then stack them on top of any other surface--the given ones, or a counter, study table, etc.! more info can be found under the cut 👇

this set was originally supposed to be my... wow... 1000 followers and 17th birthday gift. but back then my cc skills honestly kinda sucked and the slots + transparency drove me to insanity. over a year, 1500 more followers, and a mental crisis later, here we are, with the final product of over 30 hours of hard work! 👏 in any case, thank you all so much for 2500 followers!

tysm to @skittlesplays for suggesting this set in the first place btw, you know me so well anna!! if you'd like to see my other, mechtasims pet set, which i converted in her honour, check out my 1000 followers gift weekend starting here.

DOWNLOAD: SFS | MF 🐹

credits go to @kaisosims for the original ts4 meshes & textures, they are so adorable! and of course to all of you, for sticking with me through another birthday 💖

DESCRIPTION

Originally by Kaisosims for TS4. Converted to The Sims 2 by nonsensical-pixels.

THINGS TO NOTE

Pretty much everything that can have a slot, has a slot!

All cages can be placed on other surfaces, like tables, counters, etc.; if you want to place an animal inside of them, do that first, THEN place them on the surface.

Everything is decorative; nothing is functional… yet.

Art pieces are in the Paintings category, surfaces like the Cage Stand are in Surfaces -> Misc, and everything else is in General -> Pets.

You may note that some items have drastically different polycounts from the TS4 originals; this is because TS4 automates the appearance of backfaces, but TS2 doesn't recognise them, so I had to add my own.

ITEMS INCLUDED

Art (28 polys) Cage Stand (398 polys) Cleaning Supplies (424 polys) Ferret (682 polys) Food (100 polys) Guinea Pig (484 polys) Guinea Pig Enclosure (4356 polys) Guinea Pig Enclosure Top (1008 polys) Hamster (520 polys) Hamster Cage (1758 polys) Hamster Table (308 polys) Rat (456 polys) Rat Cage (2140 polys) Small Cage (988 polys) Substrate (144 polys) Treats (1876 polys) Tube (640 polys) Wood Wall Art (380 polys) Zoom Pet (341 polys)

20 items total. Collection file included for added convenience!

much love from my lil piggies: bethany, ivory, emily, and alex!! they're getting new cages for my birthday, just like my sims' piggies 🐽

once again, thank you guys all so much for the support! i wish i could've added more to this gift but i guess this weekend's content will be compensation... 👀 if there are any issues that you find with this set, please don't be afraid to let me know! otherwise, i'll see you in the next one. happy simming, and when you download this, do keep in mind,

Love, ~ Ky 💓

#sims 2 download #the sims 2 cc #ts2cc #s2cc #sims 2 cc #the sims 2 #sims 2 #4t2 #4t2 conversion #4t2 buy #suggestions #sims 2 suggestions #happy birthday to myself #<3 <3 <3

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