#didn't expect to post about this twice but i absolutely need at least someone to see these points | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kyogre-blue · 1 year

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Djdjjd oh yeah I remember that, I squinted at Diluc like "are you trying to throw me off the trail? Even if it weren't p obvious it's Venti, I'd literally just need to pick up a book and see the discrepancy?" Then I remembered that this is Mr "between eating a cryo slime alive or joining the fatui I'd prefer to be crushed to death by a meteorite" So subtle is, hm, shall we say, Not his middle name. But! If Diluc could indeed be subtle, that could have been the set-up to a diversion so you'd start looking into to what Diluc may be hiding instead of any possibly-the-wind-god-in-disguise candidates! (yes I know it's a typo but I like yarn-spinning :3)

Oh glad to know there was buildup to Azhdaha bc when I played Zhongli's second quest I did feel like the dragon came all but completely out of left field haha... like was I supposed to feel sad when I didn't get the backstory until the very end and Zhongli was so unemotional abt it? Like yeah I know Zhongli's Just Like That but idk, Venti's desesperate "no, listen to me!" still lives rent free in my brain (like yeah he literally says "you don't have to listen to me" in the end cutscene and it's a direct contradiction so they changed the text in the subtitles, but the delivery was amazing. Venti sounded so pained, I'm not even mad about them leaving the soundbit in) and compared to that Azhdaha just felt like an inferior copycat of Dvalin :/ ik I have the bad habit of comparing every region to Mond, but...

Also I had seen a lot of fans talking abt Guizhong so I came out of the quick-start lantern rite expecting her to at least get mentioned on his story quests lmfao, silly me. Though I may have just been inatentive bc there was like. 0 incentive in archon quest to explore liyue and I had been actively holding back on exploring bc I felt salty about being used like a cheap rag by EVERYONE throughout the ENTIRETY of the archon quest (except for Xiao and the adepti I guess, thank u funny pompous supernatural animals u kept it real) so I was like "you're asking me how do I find this region without an absentee archon? well I wouldn't be able to tell you bc I'M NOT GONNA FIND OUT. Bitch." I feel a bit dumb though because I DID do The Secret of Nantianmen before the Zhongli quests but I have absolutely no recolection of the infodump. Like, straight up, reading through the screenshots with the weird blue haired girl and not getting even deja vu. I remebered the tree bc it's blue-veined and huge and there was a hecking seelie I lost like twice on the branches, but not anything abt the dragon rip.

Djdjdj fair, I have heard THINGS about inazuma and raiden ei (especially from my sister, who's behind me in story despite starting several months earlier bc she's vehemently avoiding inazuma lmfao) but idk, I guess I just like picking up the shiny bits and holding them to the light. Sure, there's stuff I dislike about every region! But there's stuff I like about every region too! I try to focus on that :) reading your posts is super interesting for a more critical perspective though! (And yknow it's actually refreshing for someone to actually give the sideye to Zhongli, instead of the 1000th "haha venti cares more about getting drunk than Mondstadt" abyssmal take)

Wow though, the archon quest ending without removing the sakoku decree is REALLY awful though—I was already feeling like they were pushing it too much by forcing you to do both raiden story quests to unlock literally ANY inazuma characters, but they're pushing it even MORE? And is it me or does Inazuma have, aside from NPC-itis, a subset of the same problem in liyue that it's hard to get attached to the characters? You're basically forced at gunpoint to get close to Ayaka, and Thoma left a. rather bad first impression, shall we say, by leaving you stranded in Ritou with no way to get out. and by act 3 we've barely even met the major players in the war, like Gorou (I like him bc he's fluffy and obviously cares abt his men, and I've had him for a couple of months so I was excited abt finally meeting him, but still) Sara and Kokomi. I was more interested in Kazuha bc I thought the prologue did a fairly good job setting up who he is, what he wants, what he believes in (plus I outright cackled at his intro by beidou djdjdj) but he's literally not even relevant in his own region's archon quest? Straight up vanished until the very end of act 2? Why?? And now you tell me that literally none of what he tells us in the prologue ends up ever being relevant? like what the heck was hoyo thinking :/ that many red herrings with no payoff should be illegal

I have been told (cannot confirm) that Zhongli actually emotes in other languages, but the EN dub is... hahaha.

Anyway, there's a few things here that I've thought about a lot.

One, Genshin has a really bad habit of only giving you context AFTER the climax, which renders the entire quest preceding it just floating meaninglessly in the wind and leaves the actual climax with no impact cause you haven't gotten the context for it yet. Venti's quest is like that (as much as I enjoy it), Zhongli's quests are largely like that, Inazuma archon quest is like that, etc. This is a really obvious tell for the writers being too amateur to pace/structure their story correctly, the writers having no time to do a second draft to fix the pacing issues, or both.

Two, Azhdaha is a massive writing disaster not just in terms of the quest's pacing (let's spend the entire time on tracking down some miners... what is buildup or foreshadowing), but especially in terms of its message and implications. A developer interview video explicitly says that Azhdaha is meant to be a nature vs human progress aesop. And it ends with... "nature" (Azhdaha) being sealed away while suffering endlessly ("A thousand years of pain!") and going "no, you're right, I totally deserve to be sealed away, do it," while the humans learn nothing and face no repercussions for the damage they have done for now generations. (Seriously, there are multiple instances where Liyue's mining caused supernatural problems. It just keeps happening.)

Is this how you do a nature aesop. Is it really.

There is also a throughline in Genshin about the gods doing third party racism on behalf of humans. You get to Azhdaha and he is basically tortured by reckless human expansion and yet it's all his fault and he's the only one who faces consequences. You get the oni in Itto's quest, who have to make bizarre concessions to live with humans. You get the vishaps being a sentient race and the original native population of Teyvat, but due to the gods, they've been forced into the underground and mutated due to contact with the Abyss. Even Dvalin, while it's still okay with him because that's not the focus of his story, we never get the people of the city acknowledging him as more than a monster, which would have been nice, since the whole thing was kicked off by them rejecting him.

I really don't like it because people don't need to be coddled like this. They should be made aware of their mistakes and learn to be better.

Three, Inazuma is a hilarious mess.

See, every nation's story is about the archon. The archon is the most important character and the one we're supposed to care about the most. They're the heavy weight banner that's both meta as fuck AND emotionally appealing. Venti is obvious, but even Zhongli is like... the one actual character in Liyue, who is around the most and has the most complexity and impact.

But then we get to Inazuma. Ei is the final boss, so we can't buddy up with her. We don't even see her except in two boss battles, and then she dumps out her backstory in a poorly integrated animation and the story ends.

And then, the very next thing, is we go on a date with her around town. She likes sweets! She doesn't know what fiction is! She needs you, the player, you stud, to teach her about life! Isn't she so waifu?

And a good chunk of the player base went, "excuse me, what the hell."

The writers really wanted you to go "so maybe she caused a civil war and untold suffering with her negligence and selfishness, but have you considered... I love her??" And that's fine and normal. Fans do that, I do that. Insert Legend of Galactic Heroes meme.

The problem was that the writers did not bother writing Ei into the archon quest enough for people to feel anything for her. They did the opposite, they wrote a whole lot about how much all these NPCs are suffering. So naturally, what people care about is those NPCs and their suffering.

Which Ei's story quests entirely skip over. It's just never addressed.

This gets pretty funny if you look at Sumeru because the writers were obviously aware of the issue, and they tried to patch over it.

You see Nahida a lot in the Sumeru archon quest. She's around for a bunch of the stuff going on. The thing is, Nahida is SO able to move around and do her own thing that it begins to cause dissonance with the narrative they give her (CAGED BIRD METAPHOR). We're concerned later that she got "caught" by Dottore, but this doesn't correlate with freeing her from the Sanctuary of Surasthana. I believe we don't even discuss it until after Dotorre? Because before that, she's just too able to do stuff, so it doesn't really feel like she's locked up.

But the Sages sealing her is then treated like their worst crime (even though they just inherited the situation lol). It's not that they're encouraging people go insane from forbidden knowledge or causing so many scholars to have emotional breakdowns from the pressure or mistreating the desert people. Oh no, we're against them because they were mean to Nahida. But Nahida... was cool with it basically? She could travel around, she could talk to people, she was too fine for this to be impactful even if logically it wasn't nice.

Don't even ask why we're so set on making her the archon ruler. I don't think we even ask her if she wants to do that.

The writers made Nahida present in the story a whole bunch, but they didn't really make her a good character. If anything, her presences raises a whole lot of questions while not contributing much.

(It worked tho, people are totally up in arms about their "radish daughter.")

It's similar for everyone else in Sumeru. They're around a whole lot. But the emotional core of the story is still pretty much entirely NPCs. It's Dunyarzad, it's Setaria, it's the kid whose keeper grandpa was taken, it's Rahman. They're the ones who actually care about what's going on and emote about it.

People say Sumeru is better writing, but imo it's just longer. The core issues are pretty much all the same, just dragged out and more tedious.

#playing genshin

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frecklystars · 2 years

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I was a little worried when you didn't really post on Sunday, I know it's probably silly to care so much about someone I've never actually met but I find myself just hoping things in general go okay for you and I really think you deserve so many good things in life, I was hoping that if anything, you could have this *one* good thing- and boy howdy did steve blow everyone's expectations out of the flipping water! I'm so glad it went the best possible way for you, I'm so glad he remembered you, gave you all those wonderful affirmations, thought your art was lovely (because it IS! 😤) And he even wants to share it! (With how popular than man is, you might receive a lot of attention because of that, there'll probably be lots of opportunities for commissioning and whatnot, but don't forget to keep your boundaries up!) Sorry for rambling but I'm just so happy for you and I hope this sticks with you for a long, long time, even when life gets unpleasant. Have a good day!

Oh you angel 🥺🥺 dw that's not weird at all!! I care abt ppl I've never met or even chatted with directly. I'm honored to be one of those ppl for you!! I may not know you either, but I care about you too!!

I'm sorry if I worried you!! I wanted to post about it IMMEDIATELY on sunday, but there was no signal in the building, and once we left the convention we had to drive for 2 hours back to my friend's, and then I had to drive for 4-ish hours back to my place. It was 2am by the time I got home and I just crashedddd.

I didn't expect him to remember me, let alone be so excited?? Or for his own agent to be like "hey you should share these so we can post them" and for him to say loudly "YES WE ARE DEFINITELY POSTING THEM PLEASE SHARE THESE" everything went Best Case Scenario and my expectations were to the GROUND. I thought the best I could get was "hi here's your charms also I'm the starflower girl hi" and for him to be like "oh that's cool thanks!" and that would be it. But no he got so!! excited!! and he was so patient with me even when I was stuttering and shaking, he spent like ten minutes interacting with me and it was so worth the long wait. He is seriously one of the nicest people I've ever gotten the privilege to meet.

I started this month feeling so miserable every single day bc my job is just. so horrible. and I have no passion about anything tbh so I don't have any goals to get specific jobs that give a lot of money, so I've just been feeling really stuck for like 6 years. And I thought "ok this convention is all I get. If nothing else I selfishly want this man to look at me and I want to give him my charms. he can throw them away right in front of me, I don't care, I just want him to know I appreciate him" and DAYS before the convention, I am at my lowest, I suddenly hear I'm getting promoted.. just 19 more days til I'm out of that building... it feels like I can finally hope for something. I don't know if this new job will be better or not because i'm still working for the same company under the same management, but at least I'm going to be in a place that's air-conditioned and I'm guaranteed to have lunch breaks. I feel like it'll help keep me floating until I'm able to finally, actually quit this job entirely, and start doing something that I'd like to do.

BUT YEAH this experience will absolutely stick with me, I want to remember his words when I'm hurting, I want to remember that he went out of his way to hug me twice and I'll replay the audio anytime I need it. I'm gonna frame the print he signed. I'm gonna cherish this for the rest of my life, that's for sure

Thank you for your support and for your kind compliments!! I hope you have a lovely day anon 💕💕💕

#anonymous #asks #keepsake

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dracereads · 2 years

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BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: A MAY WRAP UP POST

Hello, yes. Guess who's a week late to wrapping up the month of May? Me. It's always me. Time is a social construct, and I'm off on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday and this was on my to-do list. I wanted to start doing monthly wraps with not so much the books I read, but what I was doing and how many I ultimately got to start, and any commentary I had for the month to look back on in reflection. On the blog side:

I've gained a few new followers! Hi, yes. Hello. I'm your local idiot who runs a reading blog specifically at a glacial pace. I talk entirely way too much, and if you're ever in the mood for a good chat I'm the one you want because I can never tell when my chattiness is unwanted. It's a character flaw, I think. Real life and summary + goals under the damn cut you're welcome.

So to start off with May: May, you sucked. Hardcore. The beginning two weeks of May were both Hell Weeks. I live in a University town, so the University dropped right at the start into their progression into finals. I work in a restaurant, which translate into someone had collectively disabled the safety button on a college kid’s well-intention'd budget. It’s take out to compliment the side order of tears and stress studying. Then every single organization had awards, grad ceremonies. Catering was a miserable spectacle to prepare. I imagine it was extremely good to enjoy and eat. but. when you've got like 4-5 of them in a day it's a stress-induced nightmare.

Right after College let out, the local high schools started their hell weeks + ceremony wrap-up weeks. So it restarted the whole process with a little more gusto because we serve TWO high-school districts. During the first two weeks I was hamfisting books. I think I started a reading circle with 3 books; then that circle grew to five. Definitely a string of come home and read a bunch of chapters and go to sleep kind of environment. It's actually very cathartic to think about weird fantasy trope filps vs wondering if you didn't count out the correct amount of utensils for the first catering order of the day for the Doctor's Office your CC has been DYING to get into a contract with. This is the better mental habit, even if you have to force yourself to sit and read, Drace. The third week of may brought all of that last minute sales ventures to a screeching halt. With that, I shifted gears into deep cleaning and renovating my room a little bit. As of the day this post goes live (6/7) I will have been without an working air conditioning unit for an entire month. Luckily the gods of Southern heat have been merciful and have tried to deep fry me only twice. I fear for the worst as I get into the heat of June. However, with this sudden need to heat proof my room I finally installed my curtains and UV screens and my room is looking EXCELLENT! Though. Drilling into wood paneling is really dusty. excessively dusty. So book photos and photo shares from now on will have beautiful windows and aesthetic-y stuff because I am definitely striving to add some decoration. I feel like a hamster that's actively trying to enrich it's environment over here, folks. During the last two weeks, I think I only target read. Which is to say: "sucks to be all other books than the ones I want to read with hyperfocus." I have a stack of round table reads that I am going to queue more books into and start fresh again this week. Reading-habits: I think I managed to finish 7 or 8 books in the month of May. Which is a lot more than I was expecting given the fact my schedule was an absolutely maddening crap-shoot.

Goals for June: I want to finish at least a half-dozen or so books that I didn't mange to get finished before May went out like cold bathwater. There are a couple of books sitting with like 3-4 chapters left that I've been savoring because I just don't want to let them go. If I don't finish it I can still hold onto it right? (Wrong, it's time) I have a bunch of stuff that I didn't get around to in May that I would like to sink my teeth into as well. However, that progress is going to be slow and take me forever. Because if you haven't noticed, taking this glacially is the whole point. As for DNFs, there are a couple on my list that I think I'm just going to try and pick back up. If anything I'll give them a few more chapters to get the story out before I decide to DNF them again or finish them for good. The goal here is to just keep on the course of clearing out my physical TBR before I add more things in.

#blog updates #no pictures this time sorry guys #I want to do more drawings this month if i can #don't uh hold me to it though #misc #monthly wraps

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stargaze-issei · 4 years

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— "𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮" (𝐭. 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐨 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭; after losing you, todoroki moves on with his life. you know you never stopped loving him, and he's desperately wants you back. but life has a funny way to do things.

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; angst.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; none.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭; 1.8k

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞; this is a continuation from this ficlet, so probably there are a few things you won't understand if you haven't read it. anyways, enjoy.

you had moved on, and to say it had been hard was an understatement. you absolutely believed todoroki was your soulmate, but when you found out what he did, it simply devastated you. even thinking of him made your heart ache. you knew you made the right choice, getting out of every shared space you two had, distancing from everything that reminded you of him. transferring to shiketsu was by far the best way. of course, you had to leave all your friends, but they would always be one call away.

for todoroki it was the other way around. no matter how hard he tried, everything had a piece of you in it. his room was full of memories with you, all the times you fell asleep on his bed, your study sessions that always ended up in something more, you dancing and singing to mamma mia's soundtrack. he ended up staying at midoriya's most days, but even then, he would think about you. it was his default mode, somehow, his mind always went back to you.

he shut down completely after seeing you with yoarashi, no one could make him talk about his beloved or his feelings. he started to go to the gym more often, train alone in the woods at night. he barely slept, and as soon as he woke up, he'd start exercising. he was so tired that he didn't think of you. that was his way of moving on, though in every sense of the word, he never actually did.

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

focusing all his life in becoming a hero, he came first of the class with a big gap. at his twenties, he opened his own hero agency. since your break up, he never had another partner, too afraid that no one could be like you, make him feel what you did.

in your case, after graduating you went to work with mirko. everyone knew you being her sidekick. it wasn't weird to hear about your ex boyfriend on the news, he had achieve all his goals in life, and that made you happy. you no longer held any remorse against him. he was a good person who made a mistake, of course you had forgiven him.

"so, [hero name], you've been going up in the charts like a rocket, could you be thinking about starting your own agency? some heroes, like shoto, are already making their way through the industry" the interviewer asked you. for the first time since highschool, someone asked you about todoroki as a hero.

"i love working with mirko, she's amazing and i think i still have a lot to learn from her. i do admire heroes like shoto, he's undeniably good at what he does, but i think is still too soon for me" you smiled when you mentioned him. even after all those years, when todoroki watched that interview, he caught on those little details. it felt good hear you saying his name again.

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

it's confirmed! pro hero y/n and yoarashi inasa are getting married! the rumors were confirmed by a picture posted on their social media accounts showing their engagement rings and captioning "she said yes/he finally asked". we are w–.

to todoroki, it was extra hard that you were marrying you highscool boyfriend. he couldn't stop thinking, if he hadn't messed up, you would be marrying him. an hour later, midoriya called.

"how are you?" even though izuku was trying to not be obvious, shoto knew what he meant.

"in another timeline, y/n and i would be getting married".

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹

todoroki finally met someone, you heard on the gossip chanel. great, that was great, he deserved to feel the happiness you felt with inasa, right? of course he did. he was an amazing boyfriend, any person would be lucky to have him, you were happy for him. that was what that knot in your throat was, that sudden urge to cry. come on, you couldn't be so selfish, you were getting married with another man, you broke up five years ago, why were you so upset?. it's not that you dreamed about him at least twice a week, or that you heard his voice clear as water even when you hadn't spoke in so long. you love inasa, stop having those thoughts. you decided with whom you'd be spending your life with years ago, it was about time todoroki moved on too.

"...and i didn't know what to say, but he was so persistent. anyways, i told him we were going to discuss it, what do you think?" your fiance's hand was moving in front of your eyes, trying to catch your attention back.

"can you repeat it, please? i-i got distracted" he smiled at you, kindly. he always did that. no matter what you did, inasa was the kindest person to you, because he genuinely loved you.

"one of my advisors gave me a list with all the pro heros we had to invite to the wedding, i told him we'll talk about it" he pulled out a paper from his briefcase with a lot of names printed on it "give it a look while i take a shower" he got up, kissing your head on his way to the bathroom. most of the names were your old classmates from u.a. and shiketsu, some of your teachers and heroes of the moment.

ground zero, red riot, creati, charge bolt, shoto, cellophane, deku, froppy[...].

you stared at his name for longer than you thought, because inasa came out of the bathroom only with a towel, asking your opinion on the matter. he knew you dated todoroki back in highschool, but obviously didn't think you had feelings for him now. because you didn't. you didn't, you couldn't.

"yeah, okay, let's invite them".

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

todoroki's jaw almost hit the floor when the invitation arrived at his mailbox. his girlfriend, a model he met at an event, laughed at his reaction. were you actually asking him to go to your wedding? it seemed like a cruel joke to him. the cruelest of jokes.

"isn't she one of your classmates from u.a., baby?" his girlfriend asked, taking the paper out of his hands. he never talked about you, with anyone, not even with midoriya. your chapter had been closed by force, locking all your memories away. but that lock was always on the verge of breaking, something as small as saying your name could unleash his buried feelings.

he was so confused. his irrational side was screaming to accept the invitation, eager to face you again. but he knew it would hurt him. he knew it, if he thought about it enough, he still remembered how his heart break years ago. his mind kept wondering back to you, how beautiful you would look in your white dress, your eyes filled with excitement. it was too much for him to handle.

"yes, i will let them know we're going".

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

somewhere in yourself, you wished todoroki hadn't replied. in that same place, it hurt to see the "plus one" option marked. right, he had a girlfriend. a girlfriend he most likely cherished, in some level at least. it was okay, you had a boyfriend, a boyfriend you were going to marry in two months. both of you had moved on. maybe repeating that to yourself would convince you.

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

he got up that morning and went for a jog, like when he was a teenager trying to get off his mind the girl who broke his heart. we could say he was trying to do the same thing.

the only reason you got up in time was because uraraka knocked on your door. inasa had gone to a friend's house at night, arguing he wasn't going to see the bride before the wedding. if it was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, then what is that pain in your chest?.

"you have to hurry, the ceremony starts at four, we're meeting midoriya at three and you haven't even showered!" todoroki practically was forced into the shower by the girl, he had no will to get himself ready. what was he thinking? he clearly loved you, as much as always, why did he agree to see you marrying someone else?.

everything was ready, just as planned. like in the movies, you were expecting some sort of crisis to happen and could cancel the wedding with an excuse, but it wasn't the case. things were perfect. your hair, your dress, your make up, even the guests arrived just on time. you felt like puking.

not a single thing was out of place, that was certainly planned by you. he could see your unique touch in decorations, colors, even how tables were distributed. and he could point at everything yoarashi had done, because it didn't match at all. it was like a stain in your perfect design, a stain he couldn't remove or avoid anywhere he looked.

uraraka had to grab your arm when the music started to play, and push you out to the aisle. inasa was waiting on the other side. he looked so beautiful and happy, his eyes overflowed with love. but your eyes got lost in the crowd, searching for a certain pair of heterochromatic eyes.

you were like an angel fell from heaven. todoroki expected you to look pretty, but it was mind blowing. he was standing next to a pillar in order to get a perfect view from you. he felt his legs weakened when your eyes connected.

"do you, yoarashi inasa, take this woman to be your wife, to have and to hold[...]?" you couldn't see todoroki from the altar, and it was unbearable. all you wanted was to look back into his eyes again.

"yes, i do" inasa's voice was so determined, that you realized what was happening. before you knew, the priest was saying your vows.

he couldn't watch. he tried, but just couldn't. when he said the priest saying your name, he had to turned around.

you were sure that with one look, you'd knew if shoto still loved you. that was all you needed to go back to him, to see his eyes.

"[...] till death do you apart?" it was now or never. you turned your head, heart beating like a drum. please, please, love me.

oh how much he loved you. as you once said, his undying love for you was so big, that's tearing him apart. a single tear left his eye.

he wasn't even looking. he didn't love you anymore. a lonely tear ran down your cheek. you were too late, you had lost him. "yes, i do".

he had lost you, again.

#todoroki imagine #todoroki shōto #todoroki shoto imagine #todoroki shoto angst #todoroki x reader #todoroki shoto x reader #todoroki shouto #todoroki shoto #todoroki bnha #todoroki mha #todoroki drabble #todoroki angst #bnha x reader #bnha angst #mha x reader #mha angst #bnha x y/n #mha x y/n #– star's; originals! [❀]

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dragontamer-nia-2 · 4 years

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Olivier [Beyblade theories on crack]

Welcome to my random rants about random beyblade things. I have a lot of things to say about the Euro Team and how tragically underestimated and undervalued they are, as characters, but also as very smart plot devices, so in these posts I'm gonna pick a fight with the writers and yell at clouds while probably drunk. If you want a trip, and you think you don't like the Euro team, then jump on.

This guy.

I love this guy.

This guy is great and I swear to god they knew what they were doing when they decided when and how to introduce him.

So, from the encounter at the top of the Eiffel Tower in ep 33 we know that this guy is mysterious and that he blades; he randomly starts roasting the Bladebreakers unprovoked, which is always fun, but fucks off before anything interesting can happen. What the writers decided to do in the next episode was split up the team, and have them find out more about Olivier separately: since everywhere they go they meet someone that has at least heard of him, we can't help but feel that this guy is kind of a big deal. From Max we learn that he's bloody rich, from Rei we learn that he's a great cook, from them both (when two guys conveniently share the information right in front of them… anime logic) we learn that he's the best blader in France, and from Takao and Kyouju we learn that he likes art, and… prepare your tinfoil hats, guys, because we're going deep.

The thing is, we know this guy is manipulative, and we know it because he offers Takao lunch in his own super expensive restaurant to distract him from the fact that he just ruined hundreds of people's day. Kyouju even points out that something's wrong when he sees Takao go into the Louvre absolutely furious at Olivier, and then sees them come out like buddies. We also know it because… come on guys, have you seen his face? Have you seen his evil smirk? He's a walking troll face. It's like the animators want us to not trust him. And yet, every background character seemingly adores him, even though we don't really get a specific reason why.

I mean… this is a kids show, I know. And the writing is messy most of the times. But this guy. This guy is shady as fuck. You can take him at face value and assume he's a well-meaning asshole, completely oblivious to normal interpersonal relationships, living in rich people's world where he can just do whatever the fuck he wants. Or. He could be one bad day away from being a chaotic-evil type of supervillain, because it's almost like he's doing everything he possibly can to lure and provoke Takao into battle while holding the façade of smiles and politeness. And the funny thing is that Takao doesn't even notice his intimidation attempts (while Kyouju falls for them at every step)

But, exactly, how manipulative is he? And, more importantly, is he even aware of it? Let's assume the worst about him for a second, that everything he did and said had the purpose to push buttons and provoke a reaction. Then just in episode 34 we have the following:

- He reserves the whole Louvre knowing that the Bladebreakers were going around famous tourists attractions

- He immediately interrupts Takao and makes him waste time on honorifics before letting him speak

- He invites Takao and Kyouju, two guys clearly not dressed for the occasion and who probably don't know proper etiquette, to his high class, really expensive restaurant, serves them delicious food he cooked himself, and even implies that he could kick everyone else out if he wanted to

- He namedrops that one guy from Team Who, in a conversation that really wasn't going in that direction, and then uses the bait to imply that he's much stronger than those guys, knowing fully well that Takao was having a hard time the previous day against them

- He basically corners Takao into battling in the middle of a fucking public park, knowing that there are a lot of people around and everyone wants to see the French champion battle

Now. The thing is, I can't prove he's the Machiavellian mastermind I suspect him to be, and the only way this whole thing works is that, in this episode, Olivier somehow got Takao and Kyouju alone and the rest of the team (Kai in particular) is not there to call Olivier out on his bullshit.

On the Eiffel Tower, at the very end of ep 33, Olivier did mention, among other things, that he has unresolved business with Team Who, and it's Kai that questions him to get more information. And what does Olivier do? He immediately cuts him off with "none of your business" and basically flees. We even get a reaction shot of Kai. Afterwards, Kai goes around trying to find out more information about Olivier on his own, and spies on the battle unseen. What's going on here? Well, Kai is not like his teammates, he's not naive, he knows what manipulation looks like and I think Olivier realizes it. That's why Olivier doesn't even try to play dumb with him like he does with basically everyone else, and that's why Kai circumvents the problem by playing bully with random kids instead of trying to confront him directly.

And I know all of this may be "chemicals are making the frogs gay" level tinfoil, but come on, just look at Olivier's reaction when Takao barges into the Louvre and somehow finds him. What does he looks like he's thinking?

At the end, it doesn't really matter, because Olivier doesn't win like he expects. Granted, at this point he can't lose - because the arc has just begun and Takao needs to work harder, and because Olivier already shit-talked Team Who in two different occasions while the writers want them to be a legit threat for the Bladebreakers. But Olivier can't win either, because we're already at the end of episode 34, we have three teams to juggle, and Takao can't keep losing and having to fight against the same people the whole arc. So they tie… and Olivier is shook. He miscalculated. For some reason this guy, this clueless, impulsive idiot, didn't lose immediately and neatly like he expected. And since Olivier does have honor, and respects people stronger than him, he immediately changes his tone, shuts down the peasants that don't understand these kind of things, and he starts treating Takao like an actual person (kinda).

Option A) Oh, what's this guy doing here while the Louvre should be closed?

Option B) How lucky, I caught him alone

One thing that stands out, though, is that he is the one member of the Euro Team who never loses. They had reasons to make his fight with Takao a tie, but why did they make him tie with Rei? Although I do have my own little theory about this, I noticed that he's the only member of the Euro Team that actually has other things going on in his life other than beyblade. The guy is rich, he is very interested in art, he works as a chef and wins culinary competitions. The fact that he's probably a bored psychopath is balanced by the fact that he seems to have his personal life together, he doesn't put his whole worth into spinning tops clashing against each other, and he has the self-confidence to admit when he was wrong. Which is… more than we say about the other European guys.

So, I'm thinking, because this is called Beyblade theories on crack after all, and there's too much reasonable stuff in this post so far… maybe the writers wanted to use the Euro Team to make a point about not winning, and being ok with it, and they really couldn't make it with the Bladebreakers because they are the protagonists. They can't lose - not permanently. Olivier doesn't win, twice, and… he's shook that he miscalculated, he seems to be honestly confused, his whole drive is not winning, but understand what's going on. That's why he sends the Bladebreakers to Giancarlo, that's why he convinces him to bring them to Ralf, he does want to study Takao, and… is he using the rest of the Euro Team as guinea pigs? Or did he notice something that's missing in them, and subconsciously wants to fix it?

Here's my hot take, and the conclusion to this dumb post. Olivier is not aware of his own machinations. He's a natural manipulator and he has a talent to read people or get info out of them, and he mainly does this by playing dumb and wait until people scream at him who they are and what they want. He reads the Euro Team, he reads the Bladebreakers, and realizes one thing: they could help each other. He baits Takao with the prospect of more beybattles and then follows him to see what happens. If it's chaos, good, if it's some life lesson, better. He manages to get Giancarlo on board and the both of them, combined with Takao, eventually get to Ralf. But what Olivier doesn't realize is that the very thing that he is subconsciously asking Giancarlo, Johnny, and Ralf to fix, is their inability to lean on other people, their skeptical and wary natures, their need to be perfect, without weaknesses, in the eyes of the world; and if Olivier was aware of his own machinations he would have realized sooner that, all this time, all he wanted was to have friends. And if I’m right about anything about this, then the writers will have done a good job with at least one member of the Euro Team, because it’s not only a fucking genius way to introduce the arc, the team, and the theme, but he’s also a damn good character.

I love this guy.

#beyblade #bakuten shoot beyblade #olivier boulanger #euro team #beyblade theories on crack #but wait #there's more #I'm just waltzing into the fandom with posts no one asked for #but I'm rewatching beyblade 2001 and it's a blast #also sorry if I made mistakes #english is not my first language #and i'm drunk and tired

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laprincesaelena · 3 years

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EOA Discord Ship Appreciation Week Day 1: Valentine’s Day

a/n: hey guys! i’m so excited to be participating in the EOA discord server’s Ship Appreciation Week! i’m posting this a bit later in the day than i intended, but better late than never, right? this is also the first time i’ve ever posted a fic on tumblr, so bear with me here! anyways, here’s some cute gabelena fluff! don’t ask me when in the canon timeline this is supposed to take place in bc if i’m being honest, i don’t really know lol. but who cares about canon this week? take some cute gabelena fluff :)

also, very special thank you to @procrastinateland for doing some absolutely adorable art to go along with this fic!! it won’t be the last time you’ll be seeing her work this week! (but in the meantime, go check out her blog!! she has some more cute eoa art and more!! :) )

fic is below the cut!

Ever since her and Gabe had started dating, Elena had been looking forward to their very first Sweetheart's Day as a couple. She already had a few ideas in mind for the occasion, and the night before the holiday, she had stayed up until practically sunrise, making sure that everything would be ready by the time he'd be off from a shift that morning. She couldn't wait to see what Gabe had in store for her the next day. When she finally got to lay her head on her pillow that night, she smiled, hoping to dream about how wonderful the day would be.

After only a couple of hours of sleep, Elena opened her eyes and stretched out a bit. Not being a morning person, she didn't have any incentive to even sit up. As she rubbed her eyes in an effort to wake herself up, she had a realization, it was Sweetheart's Day! Now, she was definitely awake. She shot upright with a smile, and excitedly pulled off her covers, and headed over to her vanity to begin getting ready.

Elena shivered slightly as she began to brush through her hair, there was a reason she didn't like getting out of bed, she was all warm and comfortable a moment ago. But, she knew that soon enough, she'd be warmed right up, hopefully from a kiss or two from Gabe, or by being all wrapped up in his arms.

A few minutes later, she headed over to her closet to pick out what she would wear. Normally, she wouldn't have to think twice about this, her casual red dress was her usual go-to. But, since today was a pretty special occasion, she figured she'd choose something different. After a moment of going through her many articles of clothing, Elena finally made a decision. She picked out a light and airy hot pink dress with a floral lace pattern, which came to about her ankles. She paired the dress with a pair of wedge sandals, along with her favorite golden earrings.

Elena then returned to her vanity to brush through her long hair one more time. Next to the mirror was a small vase, filled with orchids, a Sweetheart's Day tradition. She picked off one of the flowers and placed it in her hair, and smiled. At some point today, she'd hopefully be receiving an orchid from Gabe, even though she had already been his sweetheart for a couple of months now. But, before that, she had to make sure everything was ready for him!

The crown princess headed down the halls of the palace with a pep in her step. Something was certainly in the air today, as there seemed to be every Sweetheart's Day. But this year was even more special to her, since this year, she had a sweetheart to be spending it with. Every once in a while, she'd come across a member of the palace staff who had already received their orchid that day, or one rehearsing exactly what they'd say to their sweetheart. Elena couldn't help but smile, and give a quick congratulations or word of reassurance to whoever she came across. But then, when she encountered one of the royal guards, she pulled them aside, and told them to inform Captain Núñez to meet her in the parlor immediately after his shift had ended, for there was a 'very important matter' to discuss.

Gabe was just about to head out of the guard barracks before he was pulled aside, and told that the crown princess requested his presence in the parlor immediately, for there was a very important matter to discuss. Of course, Gabe would head right there, though he couldn't help but sigh. He didn't have time for this! But what if something was actually wrong? He didn't want to risk that, so, as quickly as he could, he headed to the parlor.

When Gabe entered the room, he was practically blinded by an overwhelming amount of pink, red, and white. Colored streamers lined the walls, there was a heart shaped balloon tied onto practically every piece of furniture, and in the center of the room, was his lovely Elena.

Elena had a table all set up, with a bundle of balloons attached to either side. Placed on the table was a frame of a favorite picture of the two of them. Red, pink, and white napkins were arranged in a pattern on each side, along with matching plates to go with them. In the center, was a homemade tres leches cake, with "Happy Sweetheart's Day, Mi Amor!" written in pink icing. Elena's face was lit up with a smile, she looked so proud of her little arrangement.

"Surprise! Happy Sweetheart's Day!" she exclaimed.

"So, this was the 'very important matter' we needed to discuss, huh?" Gabe asked her, a smile forming on his face.

"Yup!" Elena responded with a nod. "But come on, this is a very important matter, it's our first Sweetheart's Day together!"

"I guess you're right," Gabe said, and began to take a closer look at everything Elena had out on the table. "Did you do all of this yourself?" he asked.

"I sure did!" Elena replied with a proud smile. "Well, I had a little bit of help from the staff with the streamers, and-" But before she could finish her sentence, Gabe cut her off with a second thought.

"Hold on, did you make this cake yourself too? There's no way." he said with a small laugh.

Though he was born the son of a baker, and was at one point expected to carry on his father's business, Gabe wasn't too good of a baker himself, and he knew Elena had just about the same amount of skill.

"This time, I made it to two leches, all on my own!" Elena told him. "By the third leche I did have my abuela step in, just to make sure we could actually enjoy it. But, I decorated it by myself! Which, I'm surprised wasn't a dead giveaway."

The cake was frosted with a layer of white icing, not perfectly, but it was at least completely covered. Elena had clearly underestimated the amount of room the center of the cake had, for about half of the word 'Sweetheart's' gradually dropped lower and lower. There was plenty of room for the word 'Day', but 'Mi Amor!' had to be crammed onto the right side, below a slanted 'Sweetheart's'. Even though the presentation of it may not have been perfect, Gabe was confident that it tasted better than it looked.

"Hey, it's certainly better than anything I could've done," Gabe said, and walked behind the table to be beside Elena. He pulled her in for a quick kiss as she wrapped her arms around him. "Everything looks great, I love it!" he added with a smile.

"I'm so glad you do, I wouldn't risk destroying the kitchen for anybody else." Elena joked, and leaned up to kiss him a second time. Then, she turned back towards the table, and picked up the knife that was lying beside the cake. "So, want a slice?" she asked.

"Uh..sure!" Gabe said, but mentally hit himself for hesitating. Though he was confident Elena's cake had come out great, and any other time he'd love to sit and have a slice with her, but he was on a bit of a time frame.

"No promises on how even these slices will be.." Elena said to herself as she began to cut them both a slice. She placed each slice on a plate, along with including a napkin and fork.

Elena handed the plate over to Gabe with a smile, and before she could even grab her own, he had already taken a couple of bites. She softly laughed to herself, hopefully that meant he was enjoying it!

"So, what do you think?" she asked him.

"It's really good, Elena," Gabe answered, already putting another piece in his mouth. "You should make these more often!" he added, his voice a bit muffled from the decently sized piece of cake he'd just eaten.

Elena tried a bit of her slice as well, and she had to admit, she was pretty proud of herself, it was really good! She turned to sit on the couch, and patted the space beside her for Gabe to join her.

"You can sit, if you'd like," she said, even though she wasn't giving him much choice, she was implying that she'd like him to sit beside her. "We aren't in any hurry!"

But little did she know, Gabe actually was in a hurry. He knew he didn't have time to sit with her, the two of them might lose track of time and be there for hours! But he also didn't want to let Elena know of this, or act suspicious in any way. He had to think, and fast. So, he turned to the side, and mumbled a quick, 'Captain Núñez!' in a voice slightly different than his own.

"Oh, sounds like someone's calling me!" he said, acting as if he weren't the one to call himself. "Thank you for everything, bye!" Gabe added hurriedly, before quickly finishing his slice of cake, and practically sprinting out of the room.

Elena barely had enough time to process what had just happened before Gabe was out of the room. She placed her plate on the couch before getting up to follow behind him, but by the time she poked her head out into the hallway, she sighed upon noticing that Gabe was nowhere to be found, nor was whoever 'called' him.

She sat back down on the couch to finish up her slice of cake, while thinking of what could possibly be up with him. Was he planning something special for her? If so, what could that be? Or, maybe Sweetheart's Day simply wasn't a big deal to him, and he didn't really care about everything she had done for him. Elena didn't even want to think that was the case, he seemed to love everything, and she had stayed up all night for it to be just perfect! She did know one thing for a fact, though, something was up with Gabe, and she was going to get to the bottom of this.

As Elena began to search around the palace for where Gabe could've possibly gone off to, she happened to bump into her abuela.

"Mija! Just the girl I wanted to see!" Luisa said to her granddaughter with a smile.

"Hi, abuela," Elena replied, returning the smile. "How's your Sweetheart's Day been so far? Has abuelo done anything extra special for you?" she asked.

"Funny that you mention that, because I was just headed to the kitchen to whip up a batch of empanadas for our Sweetheart's Day tradition! You know they're your abuelo's favorite!" Luisa responded. "And, I figured since you did such a wonderful job with that cake last night, you could help me out with the empanadas as well!"

Elena's eyes widened as she shook her head, thinking back to her occasional disasters when it came to cooking. "Oh, no, that's alright abuela, I'm sure they'd come out much better if only you made them, you know what you're doing much better than I do." she said.

"Oh, come on mijita, you'll do just fine! I could use an extra hand, and how could you say no to spending more time with your abuela?" Luisa asked, wrapping her arm around Elena and pulling her in close.

Though Elena was really more concerned about finding out what was up with Gabe at the moment, she knew she couldn't say no. Besides, maybe taking a little bit to get her mind off of that and just spend time with her abuela would be nice. Plus, she might pick up a few more tips and tricks for baking, maybe she could even learn to rival Gabe's parents' recipe!

"Okay, if you insist!" Elena replied with a soft laugh. "Let's go, then!"

Elena got herself dragged into the kitchen, and Luisa got her right to work on mixing the dough. Thankfully, there was no possible way Elena could create any sort of disaster with that (or so she hoped), and with their teamwork, a batch of empanadas was in the oven in record time. But, they weren't finished just yet. Luisa decided they'd start on a second batch, but with a different filling this time! So, Elena reluctantly returned to her task of preparing the dough.

As Elena began to knead the dough, she couldn't help but wonder what Gabe was up to, and her doubtful thoughts returned. If only abuela hadn't wanted to make a second batch, she could've already found out what was going on! But here she was, kneading another batch of dough, which hopefully would turn out alright for her abuelos.

While the second batch was baking, Elena couldn't help but take a look out the window, where she noticed that the sun was already beginning to set. Sweetheart's Day was almost over, and she had barely seen her own sweetheart at all that day. Not to mention that when she did see him, he was in quite the rush. She was snapped out of her thoughts by a tap on her shoulder, and turned back to face her abuela.

"You don't have to stay here while we wait, mija." Luisa said. "You've been more than enough help, and I had lots of fun, you're not as terrible at baking as you may think!"

"Thanks, abuela," Elena replied with a small smile. "Are you sure you don't need any more help? I'd be more than happy to stay."

"No, I insist, you go off and enjoy the rest of your night!" Luisa responded, and was now practically pushing Elena out of the kitchen. "Also, remember to look down on your way out." she added with a wink.

"Look down?" Elena asked, but once she reached the hallway, she understood what her abuela was talking about.

Right at her feet was a small envelope, with her name written in the center, along with a heart. She'd know that handwriting anywhere, it was Gabe's! Elena smiled as she bent down to pick up the envelope, so he hadn't just brushed her off! Now, the pieces were beginning to fall into place. He must've been planning something for her when he rushed out so suddenly, and her abuela was definitely distracting her with baking until everything was ready to go. Not wasting a moment, Elena tore open the envelope, pulling out a small letter inside.

I wanted this day to be special for you,

But most of my ideas just wouldn't do.

You made my day great, so it'd only be right,

To treat you to the very best Sweetheart's Night.

All around the palace, I've left a few things,

Maybe a new dress, bracelets, or rings.

But before you're able to find that out,

I'll give you a clue to think about.

Weekly we fence in the gardens or Castillo Park,

But I won't have you searching outside in the dark.

Where you'd find a person curled up with a book,

Is the very first place I'd suggest you'd look.

Elena smiled as she read along, this was certainly an exciting way to spend the rest of her night! Once she read her first clue, she knew exactly where to go, and she headed straight to the palace's library.

When she arrived at the library, she began to look around for where Gabe could've left something. Right under the painting of Avalor Bay, she found something that definitely wasn't always there!

Elena picked up a brand new sword for fencing and smiled, she couldn't wait to use this at their next fencing practice! She looked it over for a moment, before noticing something else on the ground. Beside the sword was yet another small envelope, her scavenger hunt wasn't over just yet! She tore open the second envelope, and began to read the small letter inside.

I want you to remember, that forever, through and through,

I'll always be living "La Vida Dulce" with you.

On your bed is a gift, that like you is so sweet,

I know you'll enjoy this little Sweetheart's Day treat.

Elena couldn't help but smile as she read along. She completely agreed, she's always living the sweet life with Gabe by her side. But, thinking of those words gave her an idea as to what this present could be, and she excitedly headed up to her room to see if her guess was correct.

Sure enough, when Elena entered her room, she spotted a heart shaped box placed on her bed. When she opened the box, she'd recognize the contents anywhere. They were chocolates from her abuela's chocolate shop! Elena couldn't help but pick one up and pop it into her mouth. She couldn't help but wonder if this chocolate really was as sweet as she was, since she definitely had her days at some points. But, one thing she definitely agreed on was that she enjoyed this Sweetheart's Day treat, Avaloran chocolate was one of her favorites!

Elena placed the cover back onto the box, and noticed yet another small envelope resting beside it. She tore it open, excited to see where this next clue would lead her.

I hope that you've been having lots of fun,

Sorry for keeping you on the run!

But this next clue is your last, number three,

The most exciting gift you'll soon see.

I'm sure you know that what I've said is true,

That no matter what, I'm always with you.

This Sweetheart's Day was filled with surprises galore,

I hope that together, we'll be spending many more.

I have one last surprise to complete our night,

I can't wait to see your face filled with delight.

Outside on the terrace is where you'll find me and more,

Happy Sweetheart's Day, mi amor.

Elena left the letter, along with the other few things she had accumulated on her scavenger hunt on her bed, and excitedly ran out of her room. She felt like she had barely seen Gabe all day, so she couldn't wait to spend more time with him, and to see what this exciting surprise was!

Once she opened the doors to the terrace, Elena stopped for a moment, and gasped. She took a moment to just take in her surroundings, everything looked amazing!

The terrace was illuminated by strings of lights, and in the very center was Gabe, waiting for her with a loving smile. Behind him was a table, perfectly decorated for a candlelit dinner for two. Elena could've sworn she saw a few of the empanadas she had made earlier on the table as well! Everything looked so perfect and especially romantic, Elena's face was certainly filled with delight.

"Happy Sweetheart's Day!" Gabe said to her, with just as proud of a smile as she had worn earlier.

Elena ran right over and wrapped her arms tightly around him, pulling him in for a kiss. Gabe caught her in his arms, and once they broke apart, lifted her up and spun her around.

"Gabe, this is amazing!" she exclaimed, the smile on her face only growing. "This is the perfect way to end our night!"

"I'm glad you love it," Gabe responded, a similar smile lighting up his face. "And I'm glad you ended up here, hopefully my clues weren't too confusing." he joked with a small laugh.

"I figured out each place right away, it was a lot of fun." Elena replied. "Thank you for doing this all for me."

"Hey, it's our first Sweetheart's Day together, this is a very important matter." Gabe joked. "Besides, you did so much for me earlier today, I wanted to give you just as great of a day."

"Well, my day didn't start out exactly as I planned, since I was a bit concerned about as to why you were in such a rush earlier.." Elena explained. "At first I thought you didn't care about what I did this morning, which I thought seemed unlike you, but before I could ask you, you were gone! And now, I understand why you seemed to be in such a rush." she added with a smile.

"Exactly." Gabe replied. "And I'm really sorry if I made you feel like I didn't appreciate it, because I absolutely loved it! It was such a nice surprise to come back from my shift to."

"I'm glad you loved it." Elena responded with a smile. "I love this so much too! Speaking of, we should probably stop talking before the food gets cold or the candles go out." she added with a small laugh.

"Hang on, there's one more thing I'd like to give you." Gabe said, and let go of her for a moment.

Gabe stepped behind the table, and lifted up a vase, filled with purple orchids, a symbol of Sweetheart's Day. He took one out of the vase and walked back over to where Elena was standing, and held it out in front of him.

"Even though we've been together for a few months now, I still wanted to ask you this. In fact, I've been hoping for this moment for a couple of years now.." he said.

Elena smiled as he held out the orchid in front of her. She wanted to just take it from him right then and there, since of course she'd accept it! But, she also wanted to hear everything he had to say.

"So, Elena Castillo Flores, will you be my sweetheart?" Gabe asked with a smile.

Elena smiled big as she nodded her head. "Yes, of course I will!" she answered.

Gabe placed the stem in Elena's hand, as she looked down at it with a smile. She placed the flowers behind her ear, now having orchids decorating each side of her dark brown hair.

Elena wrapped her arms around him once again, and pulled him in for another kiss. Gabe wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her in a bit closer. Though she thought it was a bit cliché, Elena even felt her foot slightly lift off the ground.

Their very first Sweetheart's Day together may not have been completely perfect, but neither of them minded one bit. All that mattered to these two sweethearts was that they'd be able to spend their day together, and that it would be a day filled with oh so much love. And that's exactly the day Gabe and Elena received .

#eoa ship appreciation week 2021 #gabelena #my fics #sweetheart’s day #i really hope you guys like this 🥺#if you love it please let me know bc comments like that keep my motivation up!#and i really hope to do something for this whole week!#anyways here’s the only gabelena fic you guys will probably be seeing today bc no one ships it anymore 😔#elena of avalor

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samtheflamingomain · 3 years

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25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

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d-xs · 4 years

Text

PROMPT:

KEEP THEM ALL IN AWE

Jason Todd & Damian Wayne & Jason Todd

The ruckus that welcomes Jason Todd into the cave is very different from the usual post patrol noise he is well used to. The atmosphere is tense and he knows, if he didn't have the protection of his helmet, he would be choking on the scent of their stress.

For starters, one of the batmobiles is revving, Tim's arm is bleeding so badly it looks like someone almost got away with the arm. Dick's usual smile is very strained, while Bruce and Damian are absent. Usually, when there's a ruckus of this magnitude combined with a bleeding Tim, Damian can be found in the middle of it.

Jason is debating on the merit of getting on his bike and leaving the others to deal with whatever mess they're currently in the middle of when Dick pulls out what is unmistakably Damian, from the driver's seat of the batmobile.

"Tim!" Dick growls with a slight hint of alpha command, as he bodily hauls Damian away from the car.

The brat doesn't make it easy on Dick.

"You were meant to be watching them!" Dick scolds.

"Yeah, I was!" Tim retorts angrily from where he is trying to clean his freshly acquired cut.

It looks more serious than Jason first thought.

"And I almost lost my arm for it. Why didn't you search him properly for all his weapons?"

"Be grateful I did not go for your jugular," Damian's haughty voice cuts in, before Dick can respond to Tim's retort. "The next time you attempt to lay a hand on him, I will relieve you of your head."

There is so much wrong with this picture, Jason feels like he's slipped into an alternate universe.

That must be it, because Damian in Dick's grasp is much smaller than the Damian Jason had seen earlier on patrol. Hell, he's much smaller than he was when he took up the Robin mantle. He looks just like the kit in Jason's memory of the League.

It has been years since he made an attempt to hurt Tim. Not to mention, he is fighting against Dick, the only person in the world who can get him to behave.

On second thought, Jason wishes he was in an alternate dimension. At least that way, he could return to his own universe without dealing with a de-aged Damian, who still has the values Ra's instilled in him.

Since settling into his life and his place in the pack, Jason has been recovering some memories he didn't even known he was missing. A lot of them he could do without. Especially his memories of the League, both before the pit and the early days after.

As bad as remembering how he really died and the events that led to it had been, Jason would take that over the memories of just how evil Ra's al Ghul truly is. The vile things the man had put Talia and Damian through always makes Jason sick.

However, as much as Jason would like to escape this situation, the Omega in him would never abandon a kit in danger. And there was no one in greater danger than someone challenging an alpha.

Damian is backed up against the passenger side of the batmobile now. Or rather, he's blocking Dick's path to it. His dagger is missing, but he's not deterred.

"Damian, no one will hurt him here," Dick says in a placating tone.

"Of course, you will not," Damian sneers. "You will not live long enough to regret it if you do, because I, unlike you lot, do not suffer those who hurt my family to live."

"Then let us help him."

Dick may be trying to maintain his friendly attitude, but Jason can see how strained it is.

"I have seen what help you offer," Damian says, absolutely unrelenting. "We have no need for it. If my father will not come out to face me, then we will be on our way."

Jason snorts at the brat's attitude.

The sound distracts them from their fight, gaining him both their attention.

"Who are you?" the brat demands, as he takes in Jason's form.

Jason can see the wariness in his eyes; he knows he won't stand a chance if Jason decides to team up with Dick against him. But the kid stands his ground and holds his chin up.

Brave boy.

Now Jason is curious about what he's protecting so fiercely.

"What are you doing here?" a deep voice asks from behind him, before he can answer Damian's question. "I told you not to return to the cave after patrol." Bruce continues, stomping into the cave from the manor.

"When have I ever done anything you told me?"

"Little Wing, B is right," Dick cuts in softly. "You don't want to be here right now.

The fact that Jason knows they're not dismissing his presence from the cave because they don't think he is a trusted member of the pack does not help. He may be an Omega, but he does not need to be protected. Certainly not from a child.

Not Damian.

Dick may be their resident Damian-whisperer, but he's clearly out of his element right now.

"Go fuck yourself," Jason snaps,

He takes off the helmet and domino mask underneath to give Damian a better view of his face.

"Ahki," Damian breathes, staring at Jason in disbelief.

The brat's reaction is exactly what Jason hoped for, but he did not anticipate how hearing that word from the kid would make him feel. He's stripping out of his jacket and armor to rip off his scent blockers before he's aware of what he's doing.

"Habibi," he acknowledges, crouching down so the kid can look him in the eye as he runs a hand through Damian's hair.

A soft cooing sound he wasn't aware he was capable of escapes his throat when the kit leans into his touch. He's not aware of his actions when he pulls the kid into a hug.

Damian is speaking to him in Arabic, and Jason knows he should listen, but his instincts are too jumbled for him to make sense of anything.

It has been too long since the Omega in Jason was let loose like this. Having this kit, the one he claimed so long ago in his arms again is pushing everything to the extreme.

He and Damian never talked about their shared past in the League. Jason knows it's partly due to his lack of memories, but also because he would never make Damian relieve those awful memories.

"Jason." The name is a command, a demand and a question all rolled in one, judging by the tone of Bruce's voice. It drags Jason out from the haze of instincts and hormones.

Jason bares his teeth, snarling at the alpha, even as he gathers his kit into his body to shield him from both alphas.

"Hey," Dick says, raising both hands in surrender.

"You're both safe, Little Wing. No one's going to hurt him," Dick continues.

Jason knows deep down that he's safe. They are his pack, his alphas. They will never hurt him or his kit, but the thought that they would take him away is unsettling. However, the haze of instincts has cleared off enough for him to think.

He turns an accessing gaze on Damian. He looks dirty and unkempt. Jason notes that his pants are a part of the traditional League attire, but he's missing the shirt and hood coat.

"You know Dick and your father," Jason tells Damian. "You can trust them."

Damian doesn't respond for a moment as he watches both alphas warily. "Even him?" He sneers at Tim who's currently stitching his arm.

"Yes, Habibi. He means well."

He gives the kit a little lick on the neck when he doesn't argue with Jason. He is proud to know that this Damian, at least, trusts him.

"Can you tell me what happened to you?" Jason asks, ignoring Bruce and Dick's looks of surprise and confusion.

Instead of speaking, like Jason expects, Damian pulls out of Jason's hold and nudges him away from the passenger door of the batmobile, reminding Jason that Damian has been protecting someone since Jason arrived.

It takes a while for him to coax them out, so Jason rises from his crouch to stand beside Dick and Bruce as they wait.

Knowing Damian, Jason had been expecting his precious cargo to be a dog, or cat or just about any one of the strays he has a penchant for adopting.

The last thing Jason expected to see, however, is a miniaturized version of himself.

The shock of it causes him to stumble forward, which turns out to be a very bad move as it sends the kid scrambling back inside the car.

"What the fuck?" Jason hisses, turning to Bruce and Dick for an explanation, while Damian -- God, that's not their Damian, is he? He wasn't de-aged by a spell or anything. Just one from an alternate universe -- focuses on comforting the kid.

"That's what we were trying to avoid," Dick sighs tiredly. "Red Robin ran into them on patrol. We still don't know how they got here, but Bruce thinks they've been in our time a couple of days, at least."

"And you weren't going to tell me that you have a younger me present?" Jason growls lowly. "Where's Damian?"

"Upstairs," Bruce grunts. "Where you should be. We don't know how you two interacting with your past selves will mess with the timelines."

"Yeah, you have Flash turning back the time whenever things don't go his way, or hopping back and forth to the future, but Damian and I interacting with our past selves is what will mess with the timeline," Jason scoffs. "Perfect logic, Bruce."

"It's not like that, Jay," Dick says, in his mediator voice. "We were looking out for you, too."

"How about you ask me next time?" Jason informs them.

During his confrontation with Bruce and Dick, Damian has disappeared inside the car with little Jason.

"I'm going to talk to him," he informs the alphas. "Both of you make yourselves scarce by the time they emerge."

He doesn't wait for a response before he turns away. It's not like they can object. He's the only one who can ensure this doesn't end in someone getting seriously hurt.

He knocks twice on the door to announce his presence, before opening it.

Little Jason is curled up against Damian. He looks even smaller next to Damian. Jason knows he was very small for his age when he was younger, but he has a hard time remembering ever being this tiny. He can't be older than four or five years old.

The kid doesn't look up at Jason, but the tremor running through him, the hand clutching Damian tightly, and the scent of his fear filling the car lets Jason know he's aware of him.

Jason knows the feeling. It was a constant companion whenever Willis was around and he's aware that he's reminding this kid of the man.

"Hey, Sky Lark," Jason coos softly, just like his mom used to. In hopes that both the familiar pet name and the tone will help him relax.

The boy's head snaps up to stare at Jason, mouth hanging open like he had something to say but has forgotten it.

"I know you're scared, and that's okay," Jason says in his most comforting tone. "But you don't have to be. No one here is going to hurt you."

The boy is watching him with wide eyes now, through the mistrust.

"I promise you."

"You can trust him, Jason," Damian adds confidently. "He is what you become in the future. You should be proud."

Jason isn't sure about that. Sure, he has come a long way from the helpless little kid he used to be, but he's not sure he can take pride in what he is now. But young Jason is even more fascinated with him as he watches Jason with big doe eyes.

"Is that true?" Little Jay asks, his voice a timid little voice. "Are you me in the future?"

"Yes, I am."

"But you're so big!" the kid exclaims with a cute lisp.

Jason grins. It's all he can do not to gather the pup in his arms and scent him. "You will be as big as me when you're grown, too," he promises. "I'm going to take care of you, okay?"

"Can Damian come too?" he asks, his hold on Damian tightening for a moment.

"Of course, I will," Damian assures him. "Not that I need caretaking." He backtracks.

Jason snorts. "Damian is coming with us. I'll take care of both of you."

The kid looks to Damian for support, copying Damian's action when he nods.

"'Kay."

When Jason stretches his arm to pick the pup up, Little Jay meets him halfway, snuggling closer as he breathes in Jason's scent.

They remain there for a while longer, with Jason scenting and grooming his mini me before stepping out of the car.

When he does, he doesn't pause to speak to anyone. He heads directly for his nest in the manor. Whatever there is to know can wait until the kids are cleaned, fed and well-rested.

One thing he knows is this: there's no way he's returning these kids back to their timelines. If Bruce has a problem with it, he can take it up with Jason.

#ojtserversunday #cara writes #Jason Todd #Damian Wayne #Dick Grayson #Omega verse

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mrsedmercer · 5 years

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Steamy Love (A Tom Hiddleston x Reader) Chapter 30:~Time After Time~ FINALE

Summary: The nights alone have become colder and colder, and not just because of the weather.

Warnings: Angst in the beginning.

Read it on my Wattpad: www.wattpad.com/HiddlesStar

Word count: 2596

Tags: @theoneanna @midnightdragonzero @drakesfiance @kcd15 @ihthr @deviantsendbyreallife @bookgirlunicorn @cherrygeek86 @peachlobotomy666

A/N: This is it. The final chapter. Thank you so much for everyone that has liked, reblogged, or simply read any and every chapter of this fic. It's the first fanfiction I've completed in almost 5 years, but it's the first I've ever made public on Tumblr. It may be a while until I get back into writing completely, as I've decided to ship some of my creative focus towards drawing. I'm not very good at it, but I aspire to improve. Will I show my work at all? Maybe, if there's really a demand for it (though I doubt it lmao). I may post some Oneshots here or there. We'll see.

Until then, thank you for reading.

After you'd return home, Tom would start calling you at least twice a day for the next couple weeks. You didn't have the heart to block his number, but you certainly weren't going to pick up and talk to him. You couldn't believe what had happened at that event. You couldn't believe you allowed it to happen. You were always against public sex, but you couldn't help yourself around him. It's like he had you under a spell that forced you to need him. To desire him.

That's why you needed to stay far away from him. It doesn't matter that he loves you. He hurt you, in ways you can't even explain. In ways you don't want to explain. You just wanted to forget that night. Forget your feelings.

Forget him.

Though even after a month of locking yourself into your work, you still received his calls. You kept hearing about the play he was in and how great he was doing, even though the public had finally found out that you were no longer together. You couldn't help but check up on him and his play. While it hurt to hear his name, you were proud of him. You were proud of all he had already accomplished. You wish you could just talk to him and hear him boast about it. You were so excited to talk to him more about it before the big fight. It ate away at your heart that you couldn't hear him ramble about it. Hear the excited tone in his voice. You didn't want to stay mad at him, especially after the last thing he said to you...

Did he mean it? Did he...love you? Really love you? In truth, you were tired of being angry. You just wanted a chance to talk, but everytime he'd call you, you'd freeze up. You wouldn't, or couldn't answer.

That night, you really couldn't get to sleep, and you couldn't put on a happy smile for a stream. All you could really do is lay in bed with your phone beside you, quietly thinking to yourself.

You heard your phone begin to ring, looking at the Caller ID. You recognized the number. It was Tom.

You felt your heart flutter a little. You've been thinking about him all day, and you had wondered if these calls were ever going to stop. Did you even want them to stop?

Before the ringing would stop, you picked up the phone and answered it, holding it up to your ear. You heard nothing. Not even breathing.

"...Hello?..." You whispered, already feeling your emotions flare up. "...Tom?.."

"...You picked up.." You heard him speak, his tone sounding a little shaky. Had he been crying?

"Y-Yeah, I know..." You smirked slightly, sitting up some. "I-I guess I had to, eventually.."

"You...haven't picked up at all...f-for weeks.." Tom whispered. "I-I've just...been calling to hear your voicemail."

That hit you rather harder than you expected it to, already feeling tears well up in your eyes. You didn't want to get emotional again, but it was hard not to. He sounded sad.

"H...How's the play been?.." You asked, giving a shaky smile.

"Good.." You heard a half laugh from Tom. "I-It's been...fun. I...wish you could see it."

You frowned a little, closing your eyes to let some tears slowly fall down your cheeks.

"...Me too.." You admitted, giving a shaky breath. "I...I'm...tired of being angry. I want to talk.."

Tom let out another sigh, taking a minute to find the right words before speaking up again.

"...I was wrong to get angry at you.." Tom spoke, his voice a little shaky again. "I shouldn't of said the things I said, and I should've let you speak for yourself instead of barging out of that house and leaving you with all that paperwork. I regret it. I regret it all. I regret everything I did to you to make you upset, (Y/N).."

You frowned deeply, the hand holding the phone becoming a little shaky. You believed him, but part of you still hurt. He really did break your heart.

You sniffled somewhat, knowing he heard it. "D-Did you mean it?.." You finally managed to ask, your body shivering a little.

"I didn't mean to make you upset.." Tom spoke, though he was a little confused with what you meant.

"I-I mean...at the show.." You let out a shaky breath. "W-When you said you loved me...did you mean it? Or--Or was is just from the heat of the moment?.."

"...I meant it." Tom admitted, giving a slight sad chuckle. "I absolutely mean it. I love you.."

You couldn't help but smile, your heart fluttering up again. You placed a hand on your chest, feeling your heartbeat increase.

"...I love you too, Tom.." You spoke, holding back a slight sob.

You heard Tom give a shaky chuckle. You could practically see his big smile in your head. You missed that smile dearly. You wished you could see it again.

"S-So.." Tom calmed himself, clearing his throat a bit. "Wh-What now? Will you take me back?"

You smiled a little. "D-Do you think this would work? A long distance sort of thing?.." You asked.

"If I could fly you down here to be with me, I would.." Tom admitted. "But this play has me incredibly busy. I hardly have time to walk Bobby in the morning.."

"And I barely have the assets and time to actually start a moving process.." You frowned slightly. "Moving to another country, as much as I want it, would be ridiculously hard on my own."

You and Tom both went quiet for a moment, both of you really thinking about this. Neither of you had the time to help you get to him, but neither of you wanted to be apart for months. Who knows what else may come up during Tom's play? He could end up being gone until Christmas or something. You wanted to see him.

"I'm sure I'll think of something.." Tom finally spoke, smiling a little. "I promise. I'll find a way to you.."

"Don't start throwing money around to get to me.." You chuckled a bit, making him laugh as well. "As much as I miss you, I can wait for as long as you need me to."

"I'm not sure I can.." Tom admitted, letting out a slight sigh. "I'd love to catch

up with you on everything, but it's nearly 3 in the morning and I need to get some sleep.." Ah, you had forgotten about the Timezone differences. He's all the way up in London now, after all.

"I promised to call you before the play. I promise.."

"Okay.." You smiled warmly. "I-I love you, Tom.."

"And I love you, (Y/N). Truly.." He spoke in a warm tone. It made your chest feel all warm.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight.."

He hung up first after that.

You set your phone down, feeling your heartbeat once more as a few more tears slipped down your cheeks. You forgave him and admitted that you loved him, but would you really be okay having to wait months and months to see him again? You just wanted to be in his arms again and feel his lips on yours. You were scared of how long you'd potentially have to wait.

Despite that, you were able to get some nice rest. You dreamed of the day you'd get to lay in his arms.

And it would come sooner than you thought.

Another month went by, and you had gotten yourself on to a talk show to talk about your rising fame and upcoming movie. You had never been on one before, so you made sure to doll yourself up a little bit and wear a nice dress. It would be weird going up there on your own, but you had heard and seen from other interviews that the talk show host man was really nice. After fixing yourself up in the mirror, you saw the show start. The talk show host introduced you to the audience before calling you on stage. You smiled brightly as you climbed the stairs and went on stage, seeing all of the people from the audience begin to cheer. All of those people made a permanent bright smile appear on your face. You waved at everyone with a soft chuckle before sitting down on the soft sofa, shaking the show hosts hand as everyone quieted down.

"So nice to have someone new for a change!" The host spoke with a chuckle.

"It feels amazing to be here.." You admitted with a bright smile, crossing your legs.

"So, you've got your first movie coming out, eh? Got yourself quite the co-star, I hear.." They began, leaning forward a bit on their desk. "How was that?"

You chuckled again. People had learned that you and Tom were back together, so you've never stopped hearing about him.

"Yeah. We actually had to live together by that little outdoor set.." You admitted. "I messed up with renting one of the houses, so he let me stay with him."

"And that's how you fell in love, yeah?" The host grinned, being interrupted by the audience clapping for a moment before they'd quiet down. That was so surreal to see.

"I always hear about flings happening between costars on set.." You admitted. "But...my time with him was much more than that. He's treated me better than most, that's for sure."

"You haven't seen him since the beginning of the year, yes?" The host asked. "Has that been hard for you?"

You smiled sadly, placing a hand on your chest some. "It's not impossible, but it's been hard. I'm not upset about it, though. We've both become incredibly busy rather quickly. He's got his play, which I hear is amazing, and I've been streaming practically 7 times a week now that I've had the time again."

"Well, it's good to know you're staying optimistic." The host replied.

"Yeah.." you nodded a bit. "It's been...a little harder these last couple days, though. We call each other multiple days a week."

"Do you have a song you like to listen to?" The host asked, smirking some. "One that reminds you of him?"

You took a moment to really think about that. The question brought you back to the time you and Tom went to the grocery store and Time After Time came on the radio in the car, and when he kissed you in front of everyone in that clothing shop, the same song played. You had downloaded the song on to your phone after that day. You didn't realize how important it was to you until now. Tom even had it on his phone, last time you checked.

"Cyndi Lauper's 'Time After Time', maybe?.." You admitted with a shy chuckle. "It's played a couple times during my days with Tom. I downloaded it after people found out we were together because it was playing in that clothing store when he kissed me."

"Awe, that's sounds perfect.." The host smiled brightly, one of his hands moving under the desk. "You think Tom would give the same answer?" They asked.

"I mean, he's into the older styles of music.." You chuckled, a little confused. "I could call him and ask him later.."

You were too focused on the show host to hear footsteps come upstairs on to the stage, though the surprise was ruined by the sudden erupting screams and applause from the audience.

You turned around just in time for the host to start playing that song over the little speaks around set as you and the man locked eyes.

It was Tom.

You couldn't believe it.

Your eyes immedietly watered as you got up from your seat and ran to Tom, seeing him open out his arms to you. You ran right into his arms, wrapping your arms around his body. You almost didn't believe that this was real. It felt like a dream. How was he here? How did he make time for this?

You pulled back and cupped his face with both hands, already nearly sobbing just from the sight of him.

"Are you actually here!?" You asked with a happy whimper. It warmed your heart to see his big smile. He was emotional, too.

"I managed to find some extra time to get a flight down.." Tom chuckled, though he wasn't able to explain himself fully just yet. Hearing his voice so close to you made you want to just break into happy tears right then and there, so you pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. You heard the audience go nuts, making you smile in the kiss. Tom pulled you closer to him, keeping the kiss locked until he remembered you were supposed to be doing an interview. He pulled back and gestured to the seats, holding your hand as you both sat down.

You could barely keep your eyes off of Tom for the whole rest of the interview. Afterwards, you'd say goodbye to everyone and leave the building together. You spoke outside once you reached his car.

"I've got another surprise for you.." Tom admitted, giving you a warm smile as he let go of your hand. He moved into his car for a moment and pulled out something before going back to you. He revealed 2 one-way tickets. Tickets to the UK.

"Would you still like to move in with me, my love?.." He asked you, looking into your eyes with his big, blue orbs.

Your eyes widened some and your heart skipped a beat. You placed your hand over your mouth before giving a shaky chuckle. "A-Are you serious?..." You asked, seeing him nod.

"With one phone call to a familiar moving company and a day or two, you can be living with me.." Tom spoke. "All I need is a Y--"

"Yes! Hell yes!" You chuckled happily before wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him into another close hug. Tom flinched before chuckling, hugging you back for a moment before pulling back to give you another deep kiss, inhaling some to take in how soft your lips were. The joy you felt in your heart couldn't be properly described.

You pulled back from the kiss to wipe all the tears that had run down your cheeks, including some of the makeup makeup had on. "I'm gonna end up crying all day.." you joked with a chuckle.

Tom chuckled as well, smirking some. "I could give you other reasons to have tears in your eyes.."

Oh god, you had a feeling he hadn't gotten over this flirtatious phase he's had with you.

Then again...

You chuckled some. "It's been a couple months hasn't it?" You asked, biting yhe corner of your lower lip.

"Mhmm.." Tom purred somewhat "and I've learned some things.."

"Have you, now?.." You tilted your head some, getting a nod from Tom.

"Indeed I have.." Tom grinned. "And there's a certain...doctor who has been dying to meet you."

You knew who he was talking about. You recently rewatched High-Rise.

"Ooh, I guess I shouldn't keep him waiting, then.." You purred back with a little wink, moving around him to get into the passenger side.

Tom snickered some, getting into the drivers side.

You bet there would be quite a bit of steamy love after packing.

#tom Hiddleston #tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddleston fanfiction #tom Hiddleston x you #fanfiction #wattpad #steamy love

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musictatertot · 5 years

Text

Walking a mile in their shoes (Yang)

A previous post about Ruby and her character development up until the episode "So That's How it is" has lead to this! Yang is absolutely fascinating!

Let me know if you guys noticed anything I missed or if you think I have misunderstood/misinterpreted something (highly likely).

Yang Xiao Long

Out of every character in the show right now, Yang worries me the most. Her character development has been spot on and completely realistic, but not particularly in a good way. At least, not for the situation she is in.

Yang has been through some shit. Not even just recently, but her whole life. The feeling of abandonment that has followed her her whole life has never really gone away. In fact, it's only grown stronger.

In the first three volumes Yang was bullheaded, stubborn, energetic, and a large positive influence on her team. She had always been Ruby's cheerleader, pushing her to be more confident in herself and go for the gold! She was the main support pillar of Blake, working closely as her partner to make her feel safe and listened to. Those first three volumes we didn't really see many interaction between her and Weiss, but just because you aren't actively working to help someone doesn't mean you are not helping at all. Weiss is from a very tense, closed door kind of home. Yang, for all intents and purposes, was the Sparta kick to all closed doors she had never known was possible. Watching someone with that kind of confidence can be extremely inspiring, and I believe that might have been a strong portion of the respect the two clearly had for each other throughout those first three volumes, as shown in the two vs. two battle in the tournament.

Then Beacon fell and everything went wrong. Cinder was right to have them take out Yang the way they did (those rat bastards. I still love them as character portrayals but damn them!). Yang was the unshakeable foundation. She held absolute belief in herself because she had worked her damned hardest to be able to feel that way. She made sure her team, her family, saw her as someone they could depend on. Someone who was strong enough, and good enough, to defeat anything in their way.

Mercury and Emerald took that from her. I know we all place pretty much all of the blame for Yang's emotional turmoil right now on Adam (and rightfully so that dick) but I don't think we should forget that directly before that she had already been shaken down to her core beliefs. For a moment there, her whole team had been against her. Not aggressively, no, but it was clear that they were horrified by her actions (false as they were but no one had known that yet).

Suddenly her role was gone. Ruby looked at her as though she were the one that needed supporting. Blake, for a heart wrenching moment, believed she could become a cruel person. And Weiss...

Weiss actually surprised me. For all of her troubles with Ruby and Blake before I had expected at least a small confrontational remark. Nothing major, she had clearly already grown and opened up some by that point, perhaps just asking her why she did it. Instead she was completely supportive of Yang, immediately believing that she had a reason for what she had done and that the reason was valid. I knew she had grown but at this moment I realized how much. Good job Weiss.

I think that was a strong starting point for the supportive relationship (romantic or platonic, I just love the interactions and really, really want to see more so you can choose for yourselves) that they begin to develop in the fifth volume.

Weiss withstanding, Yang was still at a loss. Then she hears about her mother from Qrow. I won't say it was a wrong call, I don't have enough experience with either of their emotional states to say if it would have been better to remain silent or not, but it is factually accurate to say that Yang was in a very emotionally vulnerable state when she got the news.

Mentally vulnerable, mentions of absent mother thus bringing a strong reminder of those heavy abandonment feelings, Beacon falling, loosing an arm (another huge part of who she is) and then Blake leaves.

If the tournament had gone well, or at least Yang had been left alone, I feel like Yang would have reacted a bit differently about Blake's disappearance. She still would have been upset, absolutely, but the strong stab of betrayal she had felt would have been lessened. At least, I believe so. Too much had happened, she couldn't think about why Blake had left. Only that she had.

Thoughts of abandonment had already been on her mind. The situation exacerbated that and tore what little mental defenses she had left down. Losing her arm was, no doubt, an extreme blow to her core. The mental manipulation just added twice the impact.

(I actually think she should be equally, or maybe even more so in some cases, vengeful towards Emerald and Mercury, but I can see how the actual physical trauma has overwritten what they did in her mind a fair bit)

As such, I was supremely impressed when she was able to pull herself up again, and in such short time too! I know it was months covered in the fourth volume, but things like that can take up to years to even to begin making strong progress in. She wasn't completely stable, of course not, something like that doesn't just go away (and CRWBY you are gosh darn amazing for keeping that in mind you loveable masterminds) as shown by her shaking hand in tense situations and outbursts of anger whenever she is questioned but she was taking strong steps forward. She was trying, and really, that's all I wanted for her.

Honestly, I think at this point she has genuinely moved on from the trauma of what Adam has done to her (not the feelings they inflicted, but the trauma of it), taking that pain to make herself stronger, but she is still struggling immensely with what Mercury and Emerald did to her. This is especially worse because I don't think she even realizes that there is a problem that needs to be addressed (Jinn, can we please have some more questions please? We need a therapy circle, stat).

There are a lot of different ways to process trauma. It all depends on the person and what works for them! For the trauma with Adam Yang has turned her pain and fear into vengeance and anger again. Awesome for her, she's moving forwards! Unfortunately, by not paying attention to the mental attacks she suffered she is using those same tactics against those without fully being aware. In volume five it was not quite as noticeable, a few moments here and there (shouting at Ruby and Weiss, losing her cool when asking about her mother being turned into a raven), but I especially noticed it in her character songs. Especially "Ignite".

Yang's songs have always been about self assuredness, fighting, and unwavering confidence. These were still there, and I loved it.

There was also a lot more... aggression. "I Burn" as well as "Armed and Ready" were about fighting and fighting back against an oppressive force. "Ignite" was a bit more brutal. Slowly but surely her actions are taking on more violent means. She has always been a fighter, so violence is par for the course, but the line in particular in "Ignite" that caught my attention was "Didn't mother warn you, now she's going to mourn you". Several other lines follow this thread and I can clearly see that her anger and bloodlust is on the rise.

Not necessarily a bad thing, when fighting enemies. Not a great thing when it is directed at the people closest to you as well.

I adore Yang, but I am growing increasingly worried about her more constant bouts of anger. They are valid reasons for anger, but she is losing the restraint she once had. My main case in point is when her, alongside Weiss and Blake, turned their weapons on Qrow.

Weiss and Blake I can understand. They don't know Qrow. All they know is that he is extremely loyal to Ozpin so of course they would be wary of him approaching Ruby when she stands against him.

Yang, however, knows better. She's known Qrow even longer than Ruby, and his actions were clearly pacifying. Standing between him and Ruby, sure. Letting him know you stand with her, even if he disagrees. Pointing her weapon at him, that's too much. That is a reaction without thought, which is becoming more common.

I also find Yang acting more and more like, well, a rebellious teenager. Teenagers go through a hormonal period where it is literally almost impossible to see things from a point of view different from their own, particularly when they are upset. Everyone has it at different times in their lives ranging from preteens to even their early twenties, but it is still a process of growth. It is very egocentric, very normal, and a very bad time for it.

Yang has no patience anymore. She is acting hypocritically more and more often. Being angry at Ozpin for hiding things is natural, and I expected it. But the amount of anger she held and self righteousness she showed was at odds with her own secrets regarding Raven. Protecting her mother is something I empathize with, but Raven is also a Maiden. If you're going to get mad at someone for hiding things about the fight you are in, you should be aware enough that you are doing the same. She is not; this the teenage egocentrism.

Even during Jinn's story about Ozpin's past, Yang's expressions were more often anger than anything else. And not really anger at anyone other that Ozpin. She can not break herself from her original thoughts that he can not be trusted, regardless of his reasons.

I am especially worried about her thoughts on her mother now. Because she did not trust a word her mother said, but as it turns out not everything she had said was a lie. This, almost scarily often, had the ever present thought of "what else was she right about". Now I am worried that her mind will make that emotional leap of distrusting Ozpin so much that she believed everything her mother said. She still is angry and hateful for the abondment but now there is a valid reason for it. Her mother abandoned her for a reason, and that reason is currently locked away inside a lost farmer boy.

Im hoping Weiss or Ruby is able to get through to her. I wish it could be Blake, but with the previous abandonment and Yang's feelings about it I don't think she will really be willing to listen to what Blake has to say while her emotions are still high. Ruby has a very special connection to her and has the best luck of making her step back, but I think Weiss has the best chance of making her reflect. Speaking from experience it is kind of hard to take when you get a younger sibling's criticism for you choices. It's both a matter of pride and a matter of you, being the oldest, are supposed to be taking care of them and showing them the best way. I hope it will be Ruby who makes her take a step back, Weiss who makes her reflect, and Blake who listens and supports thus bridging the gap between them and restoring that trusting relationship Yang desperately needs.

I love Yang. I hope she looks in and works to help herself soon, before she does something she will regret.

#rwby thoughts #rwby #salem rwby #rwby jinn #ozpin #qrow branwen #raven branwen #Weiss Schnee #ruby rose #blake bellodona #yang xiao long #oscar #rwby volume 6 #so that's how it is

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takaraphoenix · 6 years

Note

I believe you didn't talk about your opinion of Riverdale's season 2 yet. (You know, in it's entirety and not just of some scenes.) But now I'm left curious. What do you think of the rest of the season? And since you wanted to find out on your own: Did you manage to correctly identify the Black Hood before it was confirmed in the show?

Oooh. Oh, sorry. I just always post the excitement when something, ya know, exciting happens. Still unsure about lengthy ramblings that seem too off-topic from the blog. (Yes, I am still pretending this blog has a theme. Let me. xD)

Oh dear, how do I put all the things into words and in order?

To sum it up briefly as an intro: I’m disappointed.

Now, more in detail.

Starting with the things I liked. Which are significantly less than the things I disliked, hence the overall verdict.

Toni is an amazing character and I love her addition to the show. I just hope she will get her own plotline next season, because this season she was only there to either further Jughead’s plot or Cheryl’s. I’m also very eager to see Toni’s and Cheryl’s relationship unfold, because boy do I ship it hard.

I really enjoyed FP and Alice Cooper’s development this season, much to my own surprise. Alice came out being one of my most hated characters first season, but I actually liked her semi-redemption arc and... I... somehow now ship her and FP? I am very disturbed by that, to be honest.

And... with that, we kind of reached the end of the things I enjoyed this season? Which, yeah, sad.

I didn’t like a single one of the main characters’ plotlines this season.

Archie and how his relationship with his father slowly came apart over the course of the season - despite it being semi-mended in the end, this whole arch seemed unnecessarily forced and in contrast to their portrayal in the first season.

Archie and starting his own fucking gang. TWICE.

Seriously. He gives Jughead shit for being a serpent, but then he goes ahead and starts his own gang. And the fucking names. Red Circle. Dark Circle. Wow. Such creativity, much awe.

Archie running after Hiram Lodge all season long was just... intensely disturbing to watch. He just allowed himself to be sucked in deeper and deeper.

So did Veronica and with her it annoyed me even more. First season Veronica seemed so much like the girl who was against her criminal father. And now she just... doubled down on the crime hard. And I genuinely don’t know what she was expecting? Because the girl acted like what happened was somehow a surprise or something in the end, when she turned against him again. Like. What... What did she think would happen...?

Then there was Betty’s plot.

I liked that she confided in Archie and her friends about the Black Hood and didn’t just do a solo gig. But her trying to get her brother and them just immediately accepting the creep into the family without so much as a fucking background check first.

And Jughead literally went from the sweet nerd with a blog to the fucking king of the gang. Like. Good lords, slow it down some. It seemed so incredibly rushed just how fast he came to accept the serpents as his family and the school as his home. I think that his “becoming a serpent and becoming king of the serpents” plot should have been stretched out over two seasons.

Cheryl’s plot was... so over the top too. Conversion camp? Her mom trying to murder grandma? And... her characterization was all over the place too. One second she is the Queen with the power-moves cutting her mom’s oxygen, the next she is the crying girl in the corner, weak and helpless. I mean, I get that with everything that happened last and this season to her, she wouldn’t be fully stable, but it really felt more like convenient writing. “Mh, we need more tension, so how about Cheryl is utterly helpless and defenseless in the next scene?” turning into “Oh but we could use a badass move, how about she just attacks the serial killer with her bow and arrows and without being the least bit intimidated?”.

Also Cheryl and Rose now living alone in the mansion... Honestly, instead of making her sick grandma her guardian, I think auntie Alice should have stepped up.

The relationship between Cheryl and Betty is really fascinating and I would genuinely enjoy seeing more of it. Like, having Cheryl move in with them, she can have Polly’s room. She would be forced to live a more down-to-Earth life.

The whole evil twin of her dad thing was really unnecessary. I mean. Seriously. It added absolutely nothing to the plot.

Just, overall, there was way too much going on this season for my taste.

And not just too much as in too many plotlines, also just... too dark, too deep, too heavy.

This show is indeed taking the Desperate Housewives route, but it hits it harder than I expected.

That is to say, the first season offers a genuinely intriguing, vaguely over-dramatic mystery that happens and that brings an unlikely band of protagonists together to solve it. Following seasons will so desperately try to top it that the dramatic event is completely blown out of proportions and loses absolutely all grasp on reality.

And that’s what happened this season.

We get a serial killer. And the mafia. And a psycho imposter brother. And an evil twin. And a conversion camp. And a gang war. And a serial rapist. And a drug problem.

That’s just too many “and”s.

First season worked perfectly. It had that one mystery that they had to solve and then some sub-plots around it. That mystery was one murder.

Now, to your other question regarding the Black Hood: HONESTLY HALF THE TIME I FORGET THAT HE IS A CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW.

Hal is so bland and so unimportant. When he made his first appearance this season, I legit went “OH right Alice has a husband! Ooops!”.

I figured it out at one point, but then they went misdirection with that second, or third, I lost count, Black Hood and I grew doubtful because why the fuck.

Last season, with daddy Blossom, it took me really long to figure it out. But when it was revealed, it was a thing that made sense. They set the mystery up so you had to work to figure it out, but it made sense plotwise.

This one? They purposefully wrote it so it doesn’t make sense.

There is no legit motive. They retconned some “Oh by the way his dad was a murderer but he pinned it on someone else and momma brainwashed him and Betty’s words in the last season finale were a trigger to turn him into a serial killer” so hard that it’s just pathetic.

And how he conveniently managed to stop killing when he got it pinned on someone else. That was literally only plot-convenience to make the viewer believe they got the right guy, because Hal had no logical motivation to stop killing. It was never about hiding his crimes? He literally wrote letters and made phone-calls and flaunted it in everybody’s face, why would he find a scapegoat and then stop killing? That’s just... bullshit. He should have, logically speaking, gone after like Hiram Lodge or some other scumbag criminal.

Nothing about that shit could have been guessed.

I mean, I did guess that Hal would be the son of the murderer. Or the one surviving child from the murder. But then they put the janitor in and killed that.

Last season’s mystery came natural. This one was forced in every way of the word.

That just completely took the fun out of it for me.

Well, that and the sheer amount of cruelty and brutality this season. There was no fun this season. Last season still had its lighthearted moments. This one didn’t.

It’s not just taking a bad Desperate Housewives route, that route is crossing streets with the bad Teen Wolf route of going grittier and darker and removing all color and fun from something that used to have color and fun and then somehow expecting that to be good. It is not. It never will be.

Either make something gritty and dark from the get-go so it attracts the right crowd of people, or make something that has jokes and lightheartedness in it and embrace that. But don’t attempt a genre-change like that. It’s a failure.

The musical episode was really out of place for me too. It didn’t fit to the tone of this season at all. Fun musical stuff could have gone with last season. Not to mention the musical could have been Kevin’s plotline. But... Kevin kind of didn’t get a plotline at all. He got one episode of musical thrown his way and that vague shit about him fucking in the woods and that was, essentially, it.

I am also not a hundred percent sure; did Betty and Jughead actually fuck or just make out...? I usually look away when they start undressing on screen and only look up again when the scene is over. I fail to see any reason for sex scenes at all, period, in literally any show, but especially so in a show about supposed teenagers? It’s just... weird for me. But if they did, fuck you show. I want asexual Jughead. Also, this ship has zero chemistry.

And can someone maybe get Betty a therapist now? Last season with her turning into psycho Betty with the fucking wig was already Really Disturbing, but she doubled down on that hard this season? And? Is she supposed to have some form of... personality disorder? Is that intentional? Either way, she helped cover up a murder this season and got psychologically tortured by her father who is a serial killer, so yeah please get her professional help.

So, yeah. That’s it.

I found this season too forced, too dark and too brutal and if the show doubles down on those elements with the same rate that it did from season 1 to season 2, then season 3 is going to be DCEU levels of dark and gritty.

I really hope they will slow down and that they will start remembering that you don’t have to rush from one traumatic, brutal event to the next murder to the next attempted rape and so on, but that you can... pause in between and put something more light in, to even things out. How do writers keep forgetting that...?

#Riverdale #Season 2 #Phoe's Random Show Rants #sunnnnyy

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gotoveritstillloveyou · 3 years

Text

Aight, so, I'm about to just fucking eviscerate myself, and I need to say some shit before I do so. In fact, the next several chapters is gonna be all dark negative shit about you and me and life and our problems. I decided to save all the cool weird shit till the end.

First of all you can't take this wrong way. This chapter is dedicated to me just saying all the things I did wrong, without any explanation unless it's absolutely required, and I'm bout to just go the fuck off on myself. It's basically a list of horrible memories and reasons to hate me. But look, everyone does bad shit, some more than others, some worse than others. Not everybody does what I'm writing though. I'm about to acknowledge my awareness of what was wrong about me, validate how it affected us, and own up to it.

In general I write and work on all the mistakes of my past and when I work on this specific project I work on all the problems we had and ways we hurt each other. That's not the whole picture. All day long all the time, I think about all our good memories and how special and great you are, that's what keeps me going. And then I gotta find answers and solutions. Those answers are hidden within the problems, and they are the things that are broken.

There are a lot of reasons I did all these things. So much of it was out of my control and just hurt me as much as it hurt anyone else. I didn't want to be feeling or acting or being like this. Some of its not like that though, some of these are just me. Just me being an asshole or me just sucking. There's no explanation or justification to any of this, but there are reasons, and those reasons do not buy any forgiveness, but at least, for the both of us, we can at least see I was truly not some psychotic asshole evil person at heart. But I'm not writing about those reasons here. I'm gonna attempt to just flat out say this shit.

That's the last couple things to keep in mind. It's one of the reasons I have chosen to continue living, these are not the things of my heart. Deep down in my heart I feel like I never skipped a beat. I have always been good in my heart. That was hard for me to accept honestly. That's how I'm trying to live my life now. None of these things truly came from my heart, they came from my ego, my pain, my stupidity, and just how I was almost forced to respond to life. I was created by my environment and I just took the worst path. I could've been forged by the fire but instead I burned.

This is the first point of order but also kinda part of the preamble. My stupidity. That is one thing that really ties this whole story together, extends from beginning to end. I'm just fucking stupid. The things I've done and the thoughts in my head and all of that, just stupid. Even now that I finally truly understand myself, and realize not everything was just a stupid mistake, but see how I slipped up, or I was misled, or reality was warped, or my mind played games on itself, or things weren't in my control, I still just feel stupid. I feel like while almost everything had a point of origin, had a long backstory, and had a set of circumstances leading it to happen, 99% of it could ALSO at the same time be explained with one thing: I'm fucking stupid. So much of this shit I think about, like this whole books worth of shit, was right in front of my fucking face and super obviously and blatant and self explanatory, yet I can see the reasons my mind missed it, but still, I'm like God DAMN what a fucking DUMBASS. I can see what led to my mistakes, that maybe they had good intentions, that maybe my failures were true attempts but failed for different reasons, and I look at my mistakes and I'm like holy shit what a fucking mouth breather. The things I've discovered and realized about you, they were really obvious at the time. Like in my mind as I discover them, it feels like I have unveiled some hidden secret and removed some illusion and found a deeper truth. Which often is truly the case. But about half of that? When I write it down in words. I'm like holy fuck what a tardo. It's like writing down "The sky is blue". And I'm still fucking stupid. I'm just stupid. I'm maybe less stupid than I was because I'm not all fucked up now, but looking back and seeing how stupid I was, that's the one thing I can't confidently say that I've fixed, I look back and see someone so fucking dumb that it's a joke to ever believe they could be less dumb. I'll get into this in the paranormal chapter, but I dont call myself a wizard for weirdo reasons, it truly is the one archetype that most closely matches the true nature of my soul, and even then, maybe one of the less talked about aspects of a wizard, but absolutely essential, is that he is the fool.

Hey me from the future here. I just spent a while writing this and then deleted it and stopped writing for a few days. I can't do it. I tried to write this out in excruciatingly overwritten detail and make it long as fuck. I just really want to own up to every single thing. I'm not gonna be able to do that. This entire couple years, I've been working through the stuff in my head and Journaling some of it. In the long run this is just my journal. Well some of those things I wrote down really fucked me up. Like a few of the longer posts in my journal set me into a 3 week long mental episode. I'm not bullshitting about what I said, I haven't just been sitting around and thinking about you occasionally and sometimes writing stuff about you. I've been reliving and regressing and examining my whole life in extended detail. Several times it has fucked me up and writing this was trying to do that and I just can't have it. I'm doing really good right now. Also, I was getting really deep into like every single bad thought in my head and they just aren't relevant. Every good thought I had during those times also had a doubt or a bad thought or something selfish, and everyone has that, and it isn't the real them, so I ain't writing that shit. Also, the times on this mental journey where processing stuff messed me up, sometimes it was just working through something tough, but a lot of times it was self imposed punishment. I don't believe my punishment is over for the way I've lived my life, but I simply can't do it to myself anymore. I did it until I was near death and felt so bad that I finally stopped and I'm not starting again. So I'm still gonna confess my sins but I'm not gonna go crazy with it. Like I said this is really just my final journal of the subject and it's directed at you but its for me, but if for some reason you've found this, and your one hang up is that I didn't say and explain every fucked up thing I did in painful levels of detail, just let me know.

Well of course it's starts at the start. Just at the start it was just me being a normal flawed dickhead, before all the crazy and evil. I didn't bullshit you on my sob story about Kammy. Yes, bitch was crazy, yes I had a TBI, yes I had just come out of a dementia tier 6 month trance. The part I left out that I was a dysfunctional dickhead. This is really the only part I'm adding explanations too, I swear. I was a fuckin asshole and bad at life and aimless and a loser and prone to agoraphobia and dissociation and tantrums of anger. Everyone hides shit like at the start. You hid a way bigger side. It's just that I lied and we saw the fruits of it. I just thought that was all due to my unhappiness and I just wasn't gonna be like that anymore it was a new me. That worked for a while.

See I got frontal lobe damage. Say someone really nice got frontal lobe damage. They would get a little meaner. It would be really obvious. Well I got frontal lobe damage so I guess everyone just thought they were finding out how mean I really was. And I'm anti-medicine and psychiatry. And I'm prone to dissociation and hiding my true thoughts. And I had childhood ptsd. And my life was already not going well and I was not putting myself into it. And THEN I got frontal lobe damage. Twice. So yeah I lied about that. I thought it was just really bad depression and when we met I was just then coming to terms with having a TBI, and thought it was just gonna be cognitive issues. No, I hit my head so fucking hard that cerebral fluid leaked out of my nose for 8 months and 5 years of my life were ruined. I just thought it was all my unhappy life with Kammys fault and I was free now and I was in control and I was gonna be a bad ass and just defeat all my demons at once.

Since this is the only time I'm gonna address the beginning of our relationship in a negative light, I wanna give it a small paragraph. I did not try to date you because you were young, or vulnerable, or the way you are. Just wanna put that out there. I know a lot of people thought that. I really have nothing else to say about that or feel any need to try and prove that. It's just true. I loved you and you're amazing, that is the only reason I wanted to be with you. No confession coming from that, but I felt one was expected, so I wanted to add this in.

Now, you were in fact vulnerable. Not gullible but like willing to listen/follow. You were vulnerable because of your situation. The only reason I liked that was just because you were down to roll and no baggage. I see the people around you take heavy advantage of your naive nature. I was always very careful with that. If I ever even broached that territory, I made sure I was being careful and not trying to fuck you around. That said I do have a confession, it's small in the grand scheme of things, but it really makes me wanna fucking puke and it's super cringe. I guess I just saw you as a girlfriend at first. Mostly this is just those typical first doubts everyone has. But I figured we would date for a year or so and I would help you out and then you could go off and find someone better for you. Like the dark side of my mind saw you as just company and temporary at first. I know this contradicts my previous story. This isn't the full story, this is my confession. This is me talking myself out of believing in the love I really felt. But then I just kept getting to know you more and realizing I really couldn't live without you. But I had just come out of this long ass relationship and then had all this fun being alone and dating, so I was just flooded with doubt and insecurity. That's not the confession. The confession is I then proceeded to try and manipulate you into some weird relationship dynamic that would put all my fears to rest and "not fuck my life up by being tied down". It was really scummy and doglike and you never were into it just went along with it to be with me. When you moved in I dropped it and that was your plan all along lol. Just being a normal dog man honestly but I feel gross for acting like that.

Now I will say I always brought up throuples. I just wanna say I never said that because I'm polyamourous or I wanted a threesome. I have legitimate justifiable reasons for that. They just didn't apply to you and I didn't see it, and always brought it up. You even brought it up a few times on your own, so did kammy. Just for me, it's more about balance. Just doesn't apply to you. You're my match. You're literally almost too much for me. Other girls aren't like that. That said I brought it up too much, and generally had a wandering eye because Im just a perv, but I shoulda kept that shit to myself. It's hurtful and degrading to say stuff like regardless of what's behind it.

I remember the first time I got mad at you and I do not regret it. I wish so bad to remember what you actually said that made me mad. I raised my voice slightly and said something very stern, slightly rude maybe. You were being disrespectful to the level of degrading. I don't regret it, but that broke the seal. Up until then,, I had just ignored you or stood my ground quietly, or at least calmly. I never should've stopped doing that.. The next couple times it happened, a few times it was the only way I was able to get my point across, and it worked. A few times were my first slip ups into my old bad self.

I only wrote that last paragraph to make a point. Anger is okay. But more than that, not being gentle is okay, standing my ground and sticking up for myself is okay. But I'm making a point. The first couple times were okay, or small mistakes. Pretty much every time after that was fucked up and wrong.

I was mean and unpleasant towards you for the rest of our entire relationship. Look you're a brat, emotional, and dramatic, and I miss all those things about you. At first it was just dealing with that, getting frustrated, or typical boyfriend girlfriend fights.

But then, I just got mean. Each day I got worse. I was the boy you loved who was so caring and thoughtful and nice. Then week by week I just got meaner.

There's a lot a reason but that's not what this is here for. It doesn't matter who's fault the anger was or what was behind it. It doesn't matter what lines I never crossed. I was mean. Over and over and over again. I chose to be mean again and again. I was just mean all the fucking time sometimes. I was mean over nothing. I snapped over nothing. I woke up already mad.

I blamed you. I blamed you for just fucking everything sometimes. I blamed you for things that you did actually do, they were you're fault, the blame was yours, but I chose to be mean about it. I insisted you did it on purpose whether you did or didn't. Sometimes you didn't didn't do anything. But regardless, I blamed you for one reason or the other, and my response was to get angry, throw a fit, withhold things from you, refuse to be nice to you, or refused to do something you asked or take you somewhere, because I blamed you and I was being fucking mean.

I held resentment too. I didn't stop blaming you or being mean about something just because the fight ended. It continued onward until you either proved me wrong or stopped doing it. And of course you didn't stop, I was being mean as fuck, you're just like me, I accused you and Kammy of doing the same thing to me: I was mean so you felt unloved, I didn't provide you an environment or chance to say sorry and change, I shamed you for it and I made it seem like our love was on the table, and that hurts, so you acted out. And then when you acted out I was twice as mean. And when you did it again I was quadruple mean, regardless if it was on purpose, on accident, or just in my head.

I was mean all the time. I yelled. I threw things. Multiple times I threw totinos pizzas or food. I stayed mad for hours.

There was a similar progression with how I dealt with your craziness. At first I was accepting and tried to help. Then it just got ridiculous. I would say one thing and you would completely shut down or lock yourself in the bathroom. At first it was like you would have an episode, or a panic attack, and I would calm you down for an hour and it still didn't work so I would try anger. And then that gap got shorter, I would try to help for a shorter time, and I wasn't just trying anger, or trying to show frustration, I was getting mad. Then there was a period where your mental episodes to me just meant we were having a fight so I fought with you, made it worse, extended it. And then there was the transitional phase where you were getting less crazy and I was getting more crazy, and at that point slowly I started thinking fuck this bitch. The second you had an issue I was like oh here we go again. If it wasn't directly related to me I would still try to help you, if you seemed legit upset. But if it was something between us I just instantly turned it into a dramatic fight and started being mean.

I did help you. By pushing you, being stubborn, maybe getting a little loud and stern. I helped you get outside more and feel better for things and be able to go do stuff without it being a big panic attack. But then I kept going. I kept pushing harder and harder. I stopped seeing you for who you really are and just wanted you to just shut up and be okay all the time. I was pushing myself so hard, and I felt you needed to be pushed that hard. So I just pushed harder and harder, got more loud, got more mean, got angry more quickly, and got more frustrated and it just grew and grew.

I wrote like a 4 page dissertation on the time I made you cry with spray cheese. I just feel so fucking bad about it. I put spray cheese on you and it triggered your autism really hard and you started crying. I almost got a little mad but then I tried to comfort you. I decided I had tried enough and you had cried enough. Really I kinda did. I tried to calm you down and make you feel better. You kept crying so I was just gonna let you cry. And you just cried more and more you just started all over from the beginning. I realize now that maybe you were just that upset, or you were crying because your heart was breaking over all the stuff going on in our lives. God it made me so made. I yelled at you to shut the fuck up. I thought you were doing it on purpose and you refused to let me comfort you and you were crying loud on purpose. I'm not giving you reasons, that's part of the confession, it's horrible that I even thought that. And even if I did think that, ptsd or not, why the fuck would I act like that. Jesus christ. A poor crying sad girl and I thought she was doing it to fuck with me so I yelled at her.

I'm getting off track but thats honestly one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life. I was glad to be getting some writing done but I'm gonna have to stop for a while. That's one of those memories that makes me physically sick. It doesn't matter how guilty I feel BTW, that's not what I'm trying to say. It just makes me sick. What a horrible thing. A lot of people in prison for heinous crimes divorce themselves from the idea that it was the real them that did the crime. I'm not doing that. I wish I could. I wish you would call me and say you were actually doing it on purpose. But it makes me just as sick to think I did such a cruel thing, but it makes my head spin because that is also one of the clearest memories of how fucked up I was in my brain. I cannot believe the thoughts I had, the feelings I felt, and the way I acted. That is not me. I'm not divorced from shit, I did that shit, I know why I did it, I can feel myself doing it. That's not me. The real me would've let you cry for hours while holding you and did whatever it takes later to find out what was really wrong. It doesn't matter. That was so horrible and cruel. A lot of our other bad memories have at least some nuance to them, some back and forth, 2 toxic sick people, at least some semblance of a dramatic fight, not this one. It makes me feel like I am truly evil inside. I cannot imagine how bad I hurt you by doing that. I can't imagine the feelings you were feeling. To have your autism trigger and then your emotions start pouring out and me telling you to shut the fuck up and being mean. I feel like if I could feel the feelings I made you feel that night, I would actually die. I have to stop writing for a few days.

I didn't abuse you. Hold your horses before you shit yourself. There's just no part of this confession where I say "I'm your abuser I'm sorry". You can put your boots in the over and callem biscuits but that don't make it so.

I tried to ram the theory that I'm an abuser so far up my ass so many times. It just isn't true. I am a piece of shit that did bad things. I am a sick person in a bad situation. I'm an angry mean person.

You know in my edit above where I said sometimes the work and Journaling I've been doing messed me up? My story of what I've put my time into isn't bullshit. I haven't been sitting around musing about my ex girlfriend. I have been investigating, researching, and experimenting, every aspect of my life, every shadow, every part of my brain, health, ego, and every memory. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get to the bottom of it. A lot of times this shit affected my work, my lifestyle, my health, my mental status.

You know which one fucked me up really bad? I wrote down every bad thing you did or made me feel but I used the terminology of domestic abuse and described what happened in the language of an abuse victim. It fit very very well. By the time I finished writing it I think it sent me into a spiral that lasted 6 weeks. Writing about my episodes and uncovering my trauma fucks me up, writing about good memories also particularly hurts me, but I remember this one particularly fucking me up. Don't worry, I saw through it. I explored every possibility I could think of and it was one of the dead ends.

I don't know why it fucked me up so bad. I fucking hope not because it was actually true. That it fit so well that I had to completely lie to myself and keep writing to reinforce my denial. I think it was just such a dark ending and hid too much truth. This was way before I started having revelations and improvements. So I think my brain was like NO BITCH START OVER.

An abuser is a specific kind of monster and criminal. Now, they do have "reasons" and could be self aware of them like I am. I don't call them reasons. I call them origins. They may have psychological problems, or be part of a cycle of abuse. Hint hint. But they cross a line at some point. They aren't doing it out of pathology, they aren't doing it on accident as a trauma response or a bad learned behavior. They cross a line where abuse is just what they do. I would say it's out of hatred, but I think most of them are sociopaths, so it's really out of nothing, they don't see you as a person. The things they do are cruel and intentional. They trick you into loving them, manipulate your emotions to keep you under control.

An abuser is an evil demon, who you fear, who hits you, hurts you, and then tells you it's your fault. Meeting an abuser is the same as getting mugged in an alleyway. You're a random victim of a criminal. You weren't chosen for any reason other than your victimizable. An abuser degrades, they tell you the dinner you cooked is disgusting, your body is disgusting, your stupid and its all your fault. Verbal abuse, yelling at you for no reason, they may be yelling at you about something but they are doing it for no actual reason other than to abuse you. Emotional abuse. Your emotions are nothing but a tool for them. That's the abuse cycle. They make you feel absolutely horrible and at fault about everything, make you feel bad and disgusting, that's the abuse. They make you feel worthless and not redeemable, so you must stay with them, and of course threaten to kill you if you leave. Then the literal abuse ends. They make sure you know it's all your fault, and then you have a period of peace, usually beginning by showering you with good emotions and presents. You see the "other side" of them and can't help but love them and you're being flooded with positivity. There's no other side of them, there's just an on/off switch to the literal abuse part, and trickery and manipulation. You're either scared to leave them, or in love with them during manipulated positivity, one or the other. You're never just their girlfriend. And then one day you escape. Abusers may come back for you and try to trick you back, but 99% of them disappear forever and find a new victim within 6 months, that's an fbi statistic. Abusers don't feel remorse. Maybe they can change, but personally I don't think they can. That line can't be uncrossed. The abuser, in their mind, is fully justified in their behavior. They think they did the right thing. There's no struggle, it's not a hard relationship that didn't work out, it was a stage play where they are the lead role and you're a side character that deserved what they got and you're the one that abandoned them.

What I did was bad. I was a real piece of shit. I hurt you a lot and made you cry. You hit me with some pretty bad shit. I didn't do that though. I almost kinda think what I did was worse, which is what this rant is leading up to. If I could just say to myself yeah my behavior was abuse, I coulda ended this whole thing right there. I tried pretty hard to do that. If I was able to come to that conclusion, I would have nothing to say to you. I wouldn't have you on my mind anymore either. This story would've wrapped up cleanly 8 months ago with a nice bow on top. I would've known exactly what to do for myself as well. Paradoxically, and only because it's not true, my heart would've put an end to this story. Abusers don't have good hearts, that's why it's a paradox, and abuser would just carry on as normal. But if I landed on that the solution would've been simple. Either I would have stopped working on myself, no longer any motivation either because of you, or to have a woman in my future. I would never let it happen again. Or, I would have just killed myself, like all abusers should have. Now, I did damn near accept you as my abuser, like I said it lines up very well. I looked at my own behavior and was like nah, doesn't line up. Bad, should feel bad, maybe should kill myself anyway, but doesn't line up. Yours lined up, but I looked deeper, I know what happened now, photo finish on that one, glad I kept going, turned out good.

I was manipulative, as I've already confessed. You're stubborn and feral. My manipulation was good hearted, my manipulation was me trying to train you to live better and act better. And then, life got worse, and my illness got worse, and my manipulation did become very mean, the good intentions remained, but so did Ghengis Kahns good intentions. My teaching truly did become manipulation and pressure and anger. I also manipulated you to try to prove my PTSD fears untrue.

I yelled at you. I yelled really loud and angrily at you. What was I yelling about though? One of two things, either literally our exact relationship problems and the solutions to them, a good talk we needed to have, except I was fucking yelling because I was insane, and you weren't listening because I was yelling. Or, I yelled about all the fucked up shit in my head, an overflow of all the shit I was repressing.

It's embarrassing to say, but yeah we had those toxic dramatic moments that both toxic and abusive couples had, but they were fucking temper tantrums like a 5 year old. Now, that doesn't really describe well the content of what was in my head, or what was going on in our lives, but those peak moments of drama were essentially a really gigantic toddler fucking losing his shit in a really skilled fashion.

I never insulted you, degraded you, I never talked about your body, your mind, I never insinuated that your some piece of shit is the reason we are having the issue. I know some of my behavior may have scared or disturbed you, and undoubtedly it damaged you and hurt your heart, but you were never scared of me. You know what you did during these fights? Well a lot of times you fought back. In fact, a lot of these memories weren't just me having and episode, they were you having an episode, or us having a fight, or 2 really weird crazy people in a little house freaking the fuck out. Sometimes, you just sat there and cried, or defended yourself. Sometimes, you fucking hit me, through shit at me or around the house.

I did blame you for things. I blamed you for things you did, and blame is not how a relationship works, accountability is, and yelling is not how it works, talking is. But I blamed and yelled. I blamed you for things you did not do. I blamed you for things that were legitimate miscommunication or confusion, except instead of talking about it, and figuring it out, I was a piece of shit to you about it. I also blamed you for things that were 100% true in my mind, because my mind was broken. I blamed you for doing things that kammy did to me, because while maybe she didn't exactly purposely abuse me, she left such a litany of fucked up shit behind in my mind that there's no other word for it.

Abusers escalate. Our life did get worse. It wasn't an escalation of abuse. It was a progression of my mental illness, our life getting worse, and all the things stacking up and compounding. I ran. As it got worse, I started fucking running away. The episodes and delusions got worse, so when they happened, I started fucking running away half way through. I definitely was getting louder, and getting really prone to smashing shit, it was getting way way worse, so I did that shit, but something in me was like OH FUCK so I started running away. I remember one instance where the second I snapped I just fucking ran. You shoved me and yelled at me but I just felt that fucked up feeling and ran. I can remember also feeling fucked up and just putting my shoes on and leaving a bunch of times.

There was that one time, that time I burned myself with cigarettes. That's a different fucked up different thing for a different chapter.

An abuser traps you. They either manipulate you into staying, or threaten you to leave. I broke up with you every time I had an episode. After the episode I tried to get you to leave. I threatened you once, during the mentioned cigarette incident. I said every fucked up thing I could just to get you out of the house. The night the neighbor called the cops on us, I locked you out. I think that was my worst mental breakdown. I was trying to get you to leave. I was trying to end this. I didn't truly think it was your fault, I either thought it was my fault or some kind of mental problem. I just wanted it to end. I tried to get you to go home for a few months, or break up with you, or kick you out, or run away. I put every effort I had left into trying to figure out my problem and make it stop. I kept trying for 2 fucking years after you left to fix it until I finally did. I broke up with you. You did not escape me. I broke up with you and you finally left and I rambled incoherent bullshit to you on discord and never once tried or asked for you to come back.

Maybe an abuser would use this strategy, write this whole ass thing to try to get you back. They would be lying first of all. That's what abusers do. The abuse happens, then they fake how sorry it is but also gaslight/blame you. There was no abusive cycle with us. There was no up and down circular abuse cycle. It just straight sucked. The next day I did say how sorry I was and how scared I was and that I was gonna try really hard to fix it. I never once said it was because of you. I never flooded you with good emotions or gifts. Nope. The next day we just had the same fucking problems. The next whole month we had the same fucked up life, with occasional good memories or moments of chillness. And then one of us had another breakdown, or fight. That was the cycle. Two crazy kids getting fucked over by poverty and losing their minds together.

So just deal with it. I didn't abuse you. You basically almost abused me. That's just not what was happened. Maybe it's pathological of me to focus so hard on what the truth is. But its not the truth. When I find the truth, I accept it. I'm not working my way around it. This is the most life changing experience that happened to me ever and when I'm done rebuilding myself it's gonna influence the course of my entire life, and that will NOT be based on a lie or a rationalization, and if these memories are gonna fuck with me they are gonna fuck with me correctly.

You have been abused before. It was easy to tell yourself that all that happened was you got abused again. It was definitely easy to explain this complicated ass shit to other people. If that's what you had to tell yourself to keep going, fine. But you were there. I don't write this to trick you, I write this to give myself closure, and I kinda think none of this even matters to you at all, but I write this to in fantasy land also give you closure.

Now that I said that, let me invalidate all of it. If you felt abused, then you were abused. If you want to tell me what I did was abuse, I will listen, and I will accept it. You were undoubtedly my victim, I was also your victim, I was also my own victim, and you were the victim of the consequences and expressions of what I was a victim of. If you felt abused, you were, and I'm the abuser. I would rather you didn't think that. I don't think it's true enough, but you own your own truth. I would rather you think that I'm a piece of shit that hurt you really bad, a failure, a loser, a hurtful mean asshole, someone that betrayed you and let you down and fucked you over. All those things are true, I don't believe I abused you. I never did this out of hate, I never crossed that line, and I tried to stop it and didn't want it to happen. I'm an absolute curmudgeon, asshole, violent, dickhead, shitty piece of shit, and I hurt the fuck out of you forever and ever. It can't be undone and what we call it doesn't matter.

I think what I did is worse. I think all the shit I listed before the abuse rant is really fucking bad. In some fucked up way it would almost be better if those actions were out of abuse. Then it was just abuse and not your fault, and I'm an abuser so just throw me in the trash and forget all the memories, they are just trauma. That's softer than the truth. The truth is I was just a guy you loved that was an incredibly hurtful jerk asshole. Just by being himself. And you know what, a lot of it wasn't our faults. It was situational or an accident. That's fuckin horrible. That's like dropping a baby on its head.

Nah, I think it's still worse. With what I know now, now that I'm no longer insane, now that I know who you are and know who I am, I think what I know now is worse. We have both been brats and assholes our whole lives, and we both have had people abuse us our whole lives. Nah. This is worse.

It's that shit at the beginning. When we met. You were stuck out in that town, you felt like your family was abusing you, the one friend you had her boyfriend tried to rape you and she was manipulating you. Then this guy shows up and he has all the same interests as you. You were sitting around bored and sad and lonely and rotting away. He came and swooped you up. But then, you were nuts. But it didn't scare him off. Nah. You told him your secrets and things about yourself you were scared to say and he was like oh cool that's no big deal. He promised you this big dream life. Yall were gonna be a team and treat each other right. He was so interesting and you were telling people how cool he was and showing them this cool book he gave you. He got you a house and you started going crazy in there and he was always there to calm you down and help you work through it. You started feeling better and better, losing weight, skin glowing up, free from all the boredom and abuse you had at home. Things were tough and weren't always great but slowly we we learning things and putting our life together, making little improvements to our house, setting up little things we wanted, he planted you a garden, got you a guinea pig.

Then slowly, day by day, he betrayed you. You watched this guy that you thought was so amazing just slowly lose his mind, slowly the house got nastier and his attitude got nastier. Less and less he acted like that guy you met. More and more he blamed you. Life got less fun and more sad, you missed your home, you never got anything fun to. He got worse and worse, more loud, directed more at you. He wasn't even the guy you remember. The dream was dying. He used to be the guy that wasn't like the others and would never hurt you, no matter how hard you tried to test him or drive him crazy he always said look I love you get over it ill always love you we will figure this out. But he was so far from that. Now he was the guy that would hurt you over something you didn't even do, something that was just in his head. You had struggles at first together, but you were able to learn and figure them out together, and it made us both proud when we fixed a problem. But now, it's the same problem, every day, but worse each time. He used to be the guy that would take you camping and stomp around naked chasing a possum in the woods, the guy that would take you driving and stop to save a turtle off a road. Now he just lays there like a log. He brought you to this cool town and took you to all different stores and new places to eat but now he just lays there and gets mad if you ask for anything. When yall met you didn't have any money for yourself but he always took you to get a pony or a calico critter and some eyelashes but now he won't even pay to get your nails done, once, ever. He used to hold you until you stopped crying but now he tells you to shut the fuck up. You used to do fun projects together but now he just blows money on fish crap and makes the house a mess.. He was your guy, your favorite person, the guy that always showed up to save you and always helped you and always was gentle and took his time and always took you on an adventure but now he just lays there like a log and yells at you and is always mad and always drunk.

I can't imagine what that betrayal felt like. Watching everything go sideways and backwards and watching the person you finally gave your heart and trust to just mash it up with a hammer.

Well I do because it happened to me too but that's not my point. You loved me and would do anything for me and I made you so happy and I ruined it all. You watched me lose my sanity and become an evil zombie right before your eyes. You just wanted it to stop and you wanted your boy back but you didn't know what to do and he blamed it all on you and it all got ruined. What a fucking nightmare.

And I think of this sweet special girl. I remember you being really hard to put up with, really hard to figure out, hard to find the key too. But I just always felt that weird synchronicity, I felt like God damn she is so weird and complicated but I actually understand her exactly and know exactly what to do. I'm the guy for her and I'm glad I found her because I know bad people would do a really bad job at dealing with her. I remember this naive girl, her emotions were big, so when she gave her trust she gave all of it, or she would do anything to not lose a friend. So I saw people take advantage of it, I saw her get hurt and manipulated and put in bad situations. She was pure and honest and the people around her weren't. That's why she keeps getting in trouble. So I knew she had my trust, and would follow me, and thought I was smart and knew better so she would listen to me, and she never wanted to lose me so she would do whatever it takes. So I took that trust, like a delicate crystal, and I said I'm gonna make sure I always take care of her, if she listens to me then I'm gonna tell her the right thing, and I'm always gonna be careful and true and gentle and do life right by her.

And now I'm gone. First, I fucked all that up, and now I'm gone. And I gotta sit here and worry that she will be with someone that will abuse her and she will stay because she loves them and forgives them for it. I gotta think about her manipulative friend and wander what kinda bad situation she will get in. I gotta hope that maybe she meets someone nice that will protect her but I just can't imagine what kind of strange creature she would have to meet that would really understand her problems, and really appreciate the good and best things about her.

And I remember this really cool girl I fell in love with. She would go hunt for bones in the forest, or go drive around at night, go to burger king stoned at 3am, go hang out the anime festival, and she had her bedroom how she liked it. And I took that from her, and suppressed it, and made her boring, and made her life boring. And I remember a girl that loved her family and being around them so much and I took her away from them and wasted her time. I remember a girl that had big dreams and big desires and lots of hobbies and I took those all away and said no to everything either because I couldn't afford it or I was sick and an asshole.

I remember a girl that loved me so much and tried to give me her everything and I just yelled at her and hurt her. A girl that would've gone with me anywhere and I never took her anywhere. A girl that would've truly accepted me for who I am but instead I hid it from her and let it turn into evil inside of me. A girl that was so beautiful and so amazing and probably just the coolest ever but I never told her that because I was scared. A girl I thought the whole world of and lived my life for except I never showed her that and now I'm just another one of her bad memories.

I look at who I am and who I'm becoming, and my real self. Someone you never met and someone I totally forgot about, yet somehow, pretty much the guy you loved. Somehow you knew who he was underneath all this shit. I'm starting to remember him and find little pieces of him. It disgusts me. I think this is the thing I feel worse about. Worse than all the other things, because those things wouldn't have happened if I was that guy. There's really no good way to explain this to you, but I know it's true. You can't even get it I think. It would sound like a lie. But yeah. You fell in love with one of of good parts of me, and didn't care about my problems or how I looked. Definitely I'll probably never look like your dream guy. But in my heart? I can't describe this guy but any other way than this. He's you. He's your imaginary friend. He is so much like the real you, it's like it's two parts of the same soul. The real true me, that I hid away from the world, that all this bad shit happened to and twisted up. He is you. It matches your soul and everything I miss about you. He would've said yes to everything you ever asked him. He would've watched a Disney princess movie with you like he was your best friend and you were 7 years old on summer vacation. He would've laughed at everything you showed him. He would've made you so many bead bracelets your arm would fall off. It freaks me out. I've thought so long on who you really are, and who I really am, and this part of me that is so deep down that I didn't even know its there, and that deepest part. It's you man. It's fucking you. Its like someone you would dream up to be your best friend. And for me, I'm gonna explore that more and try to bring him out. But you'll never get to meet him. Its like Santa is real and left a Christmas present under the tree just for you and God tied a bow around it, and I snuck in the window and stole it and fucking threw it off a bridge and yelled at you instead.

Thank you by the way. Just wanna throw a thank you in there. Thought I knew myself so well and that I was gonna teach you how to fight life like me, and then kick it's ass together. Instead, life won, and you taught me so fucking much about myself it's ridiculous.

And then there's the worst thing of all.

I'm stupid and my problems were stupid. The situation we were stuck in didn't have an easy answer, but making it through it together was far from impossible. I doubted that you loved me and now that my eyes are clear I can look back now and see that you loved the fuck out of me. I thought you weren't trying and didn't care but I look back and see you trying your hardest and never giving up. I tested your love with my bullshit over and over again and you still stuck around and obviously loved me. You always picked me no matter what was happening. You never once talked about leaving me. I look back at the problems I had searched to solve for 20 years and they all had simple answers. Mostly. The journey was hard to get those answers but that was my own fucking fault. I basically could've stopped being a stupid bitch at any time and the answers would've shown themselves. I didn't understand what was going on in my head and all I had to do was tell you. I kept it all a big secret. I kept it a secret from then one person on earth that would've understood and then you would've understood what was happening and been able to help. I needed your help but refused to let you or ask you. I loved you more than anything but I refused to tell you because I thought you would use it against me. I thought you were so cool and I enjoyed everything about you so much but refused to tell you because your ego was too big.

Basically, this whole thing was complicated as fuck and hard as fuck to figure out but the solution was simple and right in front of me. It's my fault for making it hard and loud and complicated and it's my fault for being blind.

There was one simple solution and I don't even care that there was a million things that hid it from me and misled with me. I'm a dumbass.

All I had to do was trust you. Tell you the bad thoughts I felt. Told you the good things I thought about you and how much I loved you. And you woulda been like oh OK no problem. All I had to do was stop drinking and eat better and go to a few doctors. All I had to do was be truthful and honest for you. That's it. All I had to do was not choose anger. Even if you had a hard time understanding me, or believing me, or tried to drive me crazy, all I had to do was admit to myself, and admit to you, how much I really loved you. All I had to do was stop living in fear and try to protect myself and see that right in front of my eyes is exactly what I think it is but won't except, the girl of my dreams, the girl I want to be with. All I had to do was put you first l, and put us staying together first, and this would be a beautiful love story. The situation wouldn't have changed, but we would've made the best of it and been good to each other, and things eventually would've gotten better, and we would be all good now and still together.

But no. That's not what I did. I kept secrets. I chose anger every time I had the chance to. I denied my feelings. I denied you the truth. I denied you encouragement and kind words. I kept loving you a big secret because I thought you didn't love me back so I wasn't gonna love you openly. I hid my problems and secrets and good things and bad things from you. I let my fears be reality, I didn't let the truth be reality. I was scared about things, and decided they were real, and that you were doing them. And now I sit here without you, you're gone forever, I hurt and betrayed you, and I write long rambling books about you like a fucking freak, when we could literally just be happy and have a good time. I chose darkness and pain over love and happiness. I hurt you.

My victory in my personal journey is fucked. I resent it. For so long, long before I met you, I felt so wrong inside, my life was so wrong. I DONT take accountability for that like I take accountability for our problems. I take accountability for SOME of it. But, I was fucked, my life fucked me, my brain fucked me, my molesters fucked me, the bullies fucked me, my bosses fucked me, and I decided you were just another person here to fuck me. But I was right. There was something wrong with my body, and I fixed it. There was something wrong with my mind, my brain, my psychology, my lifestyle, my life, my perception. I spent 20 years trying to fix it, and I finally did. So now I know it's possible. I know if I chose to not be a dumbass mean ass stupid fucking bitch, I could've done everything we planned to do, that whole goal we set our for to have a better life and be better people. I fucking did it. A year after you left. Nah not while the love of my life and the best friend I ever had was literally 5 feet away from me. Nah Nah. That would make too much sense. No my stupid fuckint ass chose to be shitty and keep suffering and hurt the fuck out of her and myself and she left forever, THEN I fixed it. I always thought these weren't things that could change and fix and I fixed them, it only cost me everything, it only came at the consequence of hurting the fuck out of you and the losing you, it only came at the cost of abusing myself and letting my life go so bad that I went into extreme debt, destroyed my life, killed all my pets, ruined my future, and created a horrible irredeemable past. THEN I fixed it all. I walk into my nice clean cool little house smelling good looking good with money in my pocket, full of energy, ready to cook or play or go somewhere, just got home from my good ass consistent job that let's me do my own thing and pays a lot for it, just living in the freedom of having a brain that works and a mind that's not trying to make me kill myself and a body that doesn't feel like molasses. And I don't deserve it, and it cost too much, and I have blood on my hands, and I should've done it for you, and you should be sitting there with a big glowing smile happy to see me and say we can go to daiso and Williams chicken and I say yeah sure let's go! I am nothing, I have nothing, I am the worst person that has ever lived. I am Diogenes of Texas. I worked my whole life to fix my problems and I hurt everyone around me. I completed everything I sought to do for 20 years and I destroyed everything around me. I pushed every good thing out of my life and ruined ever good chance I had. I hurt the fuck out of people, I am a bad memory in everyone's head. That's why I'm Diogenes. I finally did what I set out to do and got it all, but truly I have nothing, I live in a barrel, I have a lantern to light my path at night, and a cat sometimes comes by to keep me company. I am a wretch, a villain, and victimizer, and an oathbreaker. It was all my fault and it was at the cost of the trauma of those around me. I don't deserve the things I have or achieved, and I deserve the hell that I've made for myself. We could've had a beautiful love story, a lifelong friendship, a big ass romantic redemption arc, and a cool ass life life lots of smiles and fun and a big garden and lots of cute pets and fun memories and adventures and cool stuff, but because of ME and ME ALONE and by no others fault but MINE, we had a painful, unfixable, disgusting stinky hurtful memory of failure and remorse. That is my sin.

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