#did 2 covid tests and both were negative
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gonna go to the doctor today to see if my leg problem is caused by stress or if i actually have a chronic condition :’)
#idk man this is the second time and it's been 6 years#i was going through way worse the first time#so im like??? w h y#context: i am currently unable to walk properly due to weakness and fatigue#did 2 covid tests and both were negative#i'm also having a weird migraine/headache thing that comes and goes#im sensitive to light and sound#if my doc orders an mri im gonna have to do it this time
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Published April 30, 2024
Abstract
Background: The presence of severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 (SARS-CoV-2) in myocardial autopsy tissues has been observed in certain individuals with coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19). However, the duration of cardiac involvement remains uncertain among recovered COVID-19 patients. Our study aims to evaluate the long-term persistence of SARS-CoV-2 within cardiac tissue.
Methods: We prospectively and consecutively evaluated the patients undergoing mitral valve replacement (MVR) and left atrial (LA) volume reduction surgery from May 25 to June 10, 2023 at our center, who had been approximately 6 months of recovery after Omicron wave. Patients tested positive for SARS-CoV-2 upon admission were excluded. The surgical LA tissue was collected in RNA preservation solution and stored at −80 ℃ immediately. Then SARS-CoV-2, interleukin-6 (IL-6) and interleukin-1β (IL-1β) RNA expression in LA tissues were assessed through thrice-repeated reverse transcription-quantitative polymerase chain reaction (RT-qPCR) analyses. Categorical variables were assessed using the Chi-square or Fisher’s exact tests, and continuous variables was analyzed using the Mann-Whitney U test.
Results: Nine of 41 patients were enrolled, all of whom tested negative for SARS-CoV-2 upon admission (two antigen and PCR tests). In four of nine patients, SARS-CoV-2 RNA was detected in their LA tissue, indicating viral colonization. Among the four positive cases, the IL-6 and IL-1β relative expression levels in the LA tissue of one patient were increased approximately 55- and 110-fold, respectively, compared to those of SARS-CoV-2 (−) patients. Increased expression of IL-6 and IL-1β were observed in the myocardium of this patient. Another patient demonstrated a remarkable 7-fold increase in both IL-6 and IL-1β expression, surpassing that of SARS-CoV-2 (−) patients. Additionally, no other cardiac inflammation-related diseases or conditions were presented in these two patients. The IL-6 and IL-1β expression levels of the remaining two patients were not significantly different from those of SARS-CoV-2 (−) patients. The relative expression levels of IL-6 and IL-1β in cardiac tissues of all SARS-CoV-2 (−) patients were relatively low. Interestingly, despite abnormally elevated levels of IL-6 and IL-1β within their cardiac tissue, two patients did not show a significant increase in serum IL-6 and IL-1β levels when compared to other patients.
Conclusions: Our research suggests that certain COVID-19-recovered patients have persistent colonization of SARS-CoV-2 in their cardiac tissue, accompanied by a local increase in inflammatory factors.
#mask up#covid#covid 19#covid isn't over#cardiovascular health#pandemic#covid conscious#long covid#covid is airborne#wear a mask#coronavirus
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Chapter Two: Wild Ride
Chapter 2 here we go!! We have so many things happening and I know you guys are excited for some of them to come! I'm really sorry it took this long to post, but I hope from the bottom of my heart that the wait was worth! Also I wanna give a huge shoutout and thanks to Andrea from @behindmygreyeyes for helping me proofread, you really don't know how much it means to me 🥹✨ Come talk to me after you read and tell me what you think! All the love 🤍 Mar
Click on the visuals to enhance your reading experience!
Disclaimer: In no way do I wish to spread hate or negative opinions about any of the characters here depicted, this is just fiction and with the purpose of entertaining you guys
TW: Mentions of Sex, not too graphic but feel free to skip it
January 14, 2022 – February 13, 2022: Month One
January 17, 2022
Harry. New York City, New York. 12:30 PM.
It had been over a week since my family had left and I was proud to say we had been able to get into a routine. Pippa was growing too fast for my liking, but I swear I fell more and more in love with her everyday. She started to look so much more like her mumma. I am also very excited because we have the ‘all clear’ from our pediatrician to travel to London in a few days.
I have some work commitments and we both agreed that it would be nice for my family and some friends we have there to meet Pippa, so after a lot of planning on our end as well as on Jeff’s end, we had managed to fix a schedule. We will be leaving in five days and staying there until after Valentine’s Day.
I know I won’t tell Y/N this, but one of the reasons I am so excited to go to England is that we will be able to have either Gemma, or my mum babysit Pippa so I can take her out on a date, we were supposed to go on a date a few days ago, Ellie and Nate were supposed to babysit for us, but a winter storm had them stuck in Denver until further notice.
Upon hearing this, Richard had agreed to babysit for a few hours and after a lot of planning everything was set to go, until yesterday when he had tested positive for Covid. That left us where we are now, in a car waiting for Y/N to deliver a care package to her dad and ready to head home for the evening.
I was pulled from my thoughts when she opened the door and climbed on the back seat with Pippa, I smiled at her, “Hey, how did it go?” She removed her mask, put on some antibacterial and smiled at me, “Good, I just left in on the door and walked back, he looks good but was so bummed he couldn’t see this little bean before we leave”, she then cooed at the baby in her car seat
“I’m glad he’s okay, love”, I squeezed her knee before turning back and starting the drive back home. Once we got there, Y/N unbuckled Pip before handing her to me. I kissed her forehead before turning to look at my love, “I’ll get her ready for bed and I’ll meet you in the nursery afterwards, okay?” She nodded and kissed Pippa’s head before making her way to the living room.
I turned the lights on in the nursery and started humming to Pippa, “Let’s get you ready bunny”. I removed her knitted outfit and she let out a little whimper. “Oh no, no tears it’s okay yeah?” I changed her diaper and reached for the lotion since my little girl’s skin was pretty dry, and as I lathered her skin I started humming a song I had written for a special project, If I was a bluebird, I would fly to you, you'd be the spoon, dip you in honey so I could be sticking to you
After rubbing her body with lotion, I grabbed her long-sleeved onesie and tiny socks and once they were on, I grabbed the sleeper and dressed her up. “Look at you baby! You are the prettiest tiny baby, my heart!”. As I was brushing her hair, Y/N came in.
When she saw us, she smiled. I walked to meet her halfway and handed her Pippa. She started cooing before whispering to her, “Are you pretty hungry, tiny miss?” She kissed her head before turning to look at me, a mischievous look on her face. Before I could talk, she said to me, “Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll come get you once you’re done”. I smirked at her “Why?” She laughed, “Just do it please?” I nodded and kissed her forehead and then Pippa’s and left the room.
I knew she would normally take up to forty minutes to feed and put her to sleep, so before jumping into the shower I checked some emails ranging from the special project I would announce soon, our trip to London and our trip to California for Coachella. About twenty minutes later, I went into the bathroom and got through my shower routine.
I was just finishing putting my laundry away when there was a knock on my door. I walked to open it and found her there. She had changed into some pajamas, face cleaned and a top bun on her head. She reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze before pulling me towards the living room. When we entered, I could feel a warmth fill me up.
She had hung up some fairy lights all around and dimmed the lights, there were pillows and blankets all over the floor. Two bowls of steamy alfredo pasta were set on the coffee table along with a basket of our favorite goodies and some hot chocolate. The perfect ending to this though was the snow that had started falling a few hours ago.
I turned and pulled her into a hug, I squeezed her and kissed her neck multiple times before pulling back. She smiled and said, “I know we were supposed to have another date, but we had to work with what we had”. I shook my head, “Baby this is way better than I could’ve hoped for, thank you”. She kissed my cheek and we sat down to eat.
While we ate, we pressed play on the movie she had chosen, which was Encanto because she was a Disney girl at heart. After the movie ended, I went and made some more hot chocolate and sat down next to her. One of my favorite things to do was talk to her about anything and everything.
“I wanna do something different.” I nodded while she continued to speak. “I want us to talk about what we did after we broke up and before you freak out, I think it is important in this new journey for us”. I sighed and gave her a smile. I said, “Are you sure?” She nodded and I cleared my throat before speaking up, “So, do you wanna go first?” She nodded her head.
“After Glenne picked me up from the house, we went into Whole Foods and bought some wine and dinner, then drove to Abalone Cove Shoreline Park. We sat on the beach and I cried for hours. I threw rocks as well as sand and cursed whatever I saw. After I finished, she dropped me at my hotel. I ordered some more champagne and some chocolate covered strawberries, and cried some more while watching the Mamma Mia movies before falling asleep”,
I kissed her cheek, she pulled back and shrugged her shoulders saying “I also paid with your card, Jeff sent it”. That had me laughing out loud before taking a deep breath, “How on Earth did I not find out, huh?” She gave me a childish smile, “That’s a secret we’ll never tell; how about you?” I cleared my throat before speaking up.
“After you left, I think I cried for a few hours, then… then I wrote you a song”. She sat up straighter, surprise written all over her face, “What?” I smiled, “Wanna listen to it?” She nodded and I stood up and grabbed my guitar before starting to play the song I had written to her. When I did, I could see the tears in her eyes which made my heart break. As soon as I was done, she pulled me into a hug before kissing the shell of my ear and whispering, “I love you, thank you”
“I love you more, and I know we still have to address the elephant in the room, but I’m still working with Patricia on it”. She shushed me, “Whenever you are ready, we will baby, there’s no rush”. I nodded and reached to pull her into my arms.
January 24, 2022
New York City, New York. 11:00 AM.
It was crazy to think that the last time I came to Betty’s office, I was still pregnant. Harry opened the door and we walked in. Randy smiled at us and said, “Hello you guys! Welcome! Oh, please let me see the baby!”. Harry and I smiled before stopping the stroller in front of her and pulling up the cover we had. She cooed before turning to look at us, “Good Lord she gets prettier and prettier each day!”
We laughed a little and turned to look at the door where Betty was coming out from. “There they are! Oh, it’s so good to see you three!” She hugged Harry and then turned to pull me into a hug before turning to see Pippa.“Well look at those cheeks! How are you, Miss Pippa?” She pulled back before turning to look at us, “Shall we?”
We nodded and followed her to her office. “So how have we been since the last time we spoke a few weeks ago?” Harry helped me remove my coat and sit down on the table, “It’s been good, we have been taking it pretty slow” She smiled while making her way to where I was. “That is pretty good”, she started taking my vitals and then helped me lay down so she could examine me.
“Has your bleeding stopped?” I nodded, “Last week” she nodded, “That’s okay, on average, new moms bleed from four to six weeks, so it doesn’t worry me. Everything is returning to it’s place and your uterus and cervix looks great”, I nodded, “How has breastfeeding gone?” I sighed, “It has been an up and down ride, there are days where feeds go great and others that leave us both crying”.
Betty frowned a little, “Are you pumping?” I nodded, “In between feeds” We moved to sit at her desk. I noticed Harry looking at me intently, I knew he would have something to say later on. Betty then cleared her throat and turned to look at me, “And… emotionally? How are you?”
I smiled and cleared my throat, “It has been a wild ride for sure, it has been a big adjustment, but honestly? I have not felt like I’m drowning”. I sniffled before reaching out to squeeze Harry’s hand, “He has been my anchor, and our families too; I mean I do feel some anxiety sometimes, especially when I think of her growing up”.
Betty smiled, “That’s normal darling, we all do, I remember with my babies I didn’t even leave my house for two months except for essential things”. I laughed, “Don’t get me started, that has me a little anxious?”, Betty gave us a questioning look, “We’re leaving for England in a few days, Harry has some work commitments and we’re visiting family”.
“Oh, how fun! It is normal for you to feel anxious, just please don’t keep it to yourself, like you said you have a tribe who will listen to you”. I nodded and felt Harry kiss my temple. She turned to my chart and started reviewing again. “Have you thought about birth control?” I nodded, “I wanted to know if I could go into the ‘minipill’? From my research I saw that it was the safest option while breastfeeding”. She nodded, “Oh absolutely, I will write a prescription for you”.
Harry and I nodded. “So the last thing to address, exercise and sex”. We both tensed at that and my heart leapt out of my chest. “I see no issue for you guys to engage in such activities, but please take it slow, I truly cannot express enough how important this is okay?” We both nodded before Harry squeezed my hand and spoke up, “I will take care of her, whatever her decision may be”. I turned to look at him and gave him an appreciative smile.
After Betty finished making notes she handed me the folder back and we said our goodbyes. When we left her office, we got into the car. I sat in the back with Pippa and once Harry sat down in the driver’s side, I reached to kiss his cheek. He turned and gave me a smile, “What was that for, huh?”. I shrugged, “Just because”. He nodded and turned back to start the car so we could leave to run our errands.
January 28, 2022
London, England. 12:30 PM.
The trip to London had been hectic to say the least. I never realized just how many things we actually needed to bring, that we could not buy in London. Once everything was packed, we made our way to Teterboro where we met Jeff, Tommy, and Harry L. because they were all traveling with us.
The flight itself had been pretty good, Pippa behaved like a champion and her father was the worst traveler of the group. After we landed in London, we made our way to Harry’s house. Both Anne and Gemma had already visited and helped us by getting us groceries and some meals since Pippa was having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the time change.
We had agreed that Harry’s family would meet Pippa once we traveled North for Harry’s birthday, but there was a visit that had me so excited, and that day had finally come. Florence Pugh, Gemma Chan, and I had bonded while H was filing ‘Don’t Worry Darling’ and stayed in touch since then. As of right now, they both were here in England getting ready to start some new projects, so we had agreed to have them come and meet Pippa.
As soon as I opened the door, I was pulled into a bone crushing hug by two of my closest friends, the three of us let out squeals of happiness and we swayed a little before pulling back. I moved and let both of our visitors come in, the girls having removed their shoes and coats, and we made our way to the living room.
Before we got there, Gemma piped up “Love where is your bathroom? I want to wash my hands before meeting the baby?”. Flo chimed in, “Yeah me too!”. I smiled and took them to the bathroom and let them know I would go to the kitchen to grab some things. Harry had helped me bring in the heavy stuff before going upstairs and getting Pippa up from her nap, so I just had to carry the teapot.
Gemma and Flo were standing in the living room looking at the photos Harry had displayed. They turned when I walked in and gave me a smile. “Come on sit down, do you want some tea?” The two of them nodded and took the seat on the loveseat closest to the window before Flo spoke up, “Can you please explain to me how the hell you look so hot after giving birth just one month ago?”
I laughed while Gemma nodded. I could feel my cheeks turn red before answering, “Breastfeeding, truly it is keeping me very occupied, and my pilates, little by little I have been able to get back to it”. Gemma nodded in awe, “Well darling you look amazing”. Before I could answer, Harry cleared his throat and the three of us turned to look at him and the little swaddled bundle in his arms.
Both Flo and Gemma gasped and squealed when they saw the baby before Flo screamed-whispered, “Look at that tiny baby!”. Gemma laughed before speaking up, “Look at that smile, there’s the proud dad!”. Harry handed me the baby before walking to where they were sitting and pulling them into a hug.
When he pulled back, he came to stand next to where I was and squeezed my hip. I cleared my throat before speaking up, “Ladies, there’s someone who is very excited, who wants to meet her aunts”. Before I could take a step to where they were sitting, Gemma put her hands up in a stop motion, “Wait! Let us put our mask on and some antibacterial gel”. Harry spoke up, “Hey, it’s fine if you don’t wear them”.
Flo scoffed before speaking up, “Of course we will, she’s a tiny baby and we have been with a lot of people, and sadly we’re not sure if everyone is vaccinated, I mean we are but I don’t wanna risk anything”. We both nodded and once they were ready they nodded. I walked to where they were standing and whispered, “Look Pip, these are your aunts; auntie Gemma and auntie Flo”.
Gemma reached to run a hand down her hair while Flo sniffled and placed her hands on her chest, “Look at her, she’s so beautiful, thank God she looks like her mumma”. That had Gemma and I laughing while Harry whined and pouted, “Come on Flo, I thought we were friends”. She shrugged her shoulders, “We are, but I need to speak the truth”. He scoffed, “Okay I’ll give you that”.
Gemma cleared her throat before whispering, “Can I hold her?” I nodded and transferred the baby into her arms. Gemma started swaying a little and cooed, “Hi Pippa, hi lovie, God look at you!” Flo was running her hand down her hair while also cooing, “I cannot wait until you’re old enough and I can take you to get a piercing”. Harry groaned again and Gemma and I laughed at her.
Gemma then motioned to Flo so she could let her hold the baby, Gemma carefully handed her Pippa and then came to give me a side hug before going to stand next to Harry. She turned and smiled, “I’m sorry to tell you pal, but she is all her mum’s beauty”. He shrugged his shoulders, “I cannot deny that”. She then gave him a small smile before telling him, “I’m proud of you Harry, of how much you have grown and who you are today”.
He sniffled before pulling her into a side hug and kissing her head, “Thank you Gemma, for being such a good friend even after everything that happened, I’m so happy my kids have you as an aunt”. Florence pipped in, “Kids?! Mate, you’re getting way ahead of yourself”. We all laughed at that before he turned to look at me, a sincere smile, “Just wait and see”.
Florence then spoke up, “Oh! Before we forget, we got the little miss a present”. She pulled out a box from her bag before handing it to me. I unwrapped it and found a box. I opened it and saw there was a little pendant with her initial engraved and on the back was her birthday. Gemma spoke up, “We know she is still small, so we thought of a gift she could grow with”.
I nodded and gave them both a teary smile, “Thank you girls, this is a gift I want for her to treasure forever”. Gemma handed Harry the baby and she made her way along with Flo to pull me into a group hug, and after a few seconds I heard them both whisper to me, “Congratulations mama”, “We are so proud of you”.
February 1, 2022
Harry. Holmes Chapel, England. 8:30 AM.
I was awakened by someone clearing their throat. When I groggily opened my eyes I smiled, my girls were standing there in front of me, Pippa in her arms, she was wide awake which led me to believe she had just fed her. “Well good morning, ladies”. Y/N handed Pippa to me and started walking back, “Wait I’ll be back in a moment”.
I nodded and sat up a little turning to kiss her little forehead, “Hi little Pip, what a great way to start my birthday huh?”. Y/N cleared her throat from outside the room and said “Can you close your eyes for a second?”. I laughed while closing them, a few seconds later she spoke again, “Are your eyes closed?”
“Yes, my heart, they are closed!”, A few seconds later I heard her come in and sing ‘Happy Birthday’. I opened my eyes and my heart started beating a thousand miles an hour when I saw her with a cake and a candle. She sat in front of me and as soon as she finished singing, she said “Wait wait! Before you blow let me take some pictures”.
I nodded, and after she was done, she said, “Okay then, close your eyes, make a wish, and blow your candle!”. I did as she asked me and blew out the candle and she gave a little cheer. I pulled her in and pulled her for a kiss. We pulled back and I brought her again before she whispered “Happy birthday baby”. I said “Thank you my love”.
She ran a hand down my cheek and said, “Your mom just finished preparing breakfast, shall we go down?” I groaned and pouted “I wanted to cuddle my girls”. She laughed and kissed my pout before saying, “We’ll cuddle after breakfast, yes? I’m so glad you convinced your mom to cater today’s food”. I laughed too before we both stood up and made our way downstairs to where my mum was finishing breakfast.
When she heard us come in, she gave me a big smile before speaking up, “There he is! Happy birthday baby boy!” I handed Pip to Y/N and pulled my mum into a hug, “Thanks mumma! I love you!”. We pulled back and my mum went to say hello to Y/N and Pip.
We all sat down to eat breakfast and talked about the plans for today. Y/N then cleaned the table while mum disappeared for a second and returned with a gift in her hands which she placed in front of me. “Mum you didn’t have to!”. She shrugged, “It’s nothing, just open it”. I pulled the lid off the box and reached in for the item which turns out was a polaroid camera. My mum spoke up
“I know this lovely lady has your old one, so I wanted to gift you one so you could have it with you always”, I smiled at her and pulled her for a hug, “Thank you mumma”. She kissed my cheek, “You’re welcome darling”.
February 1, 2022
Holmes Chapel, England. 12:30 PM.
I was pulled from my slumber by a tiny whimper coming from the travel cot at my bedside. Harry was cuddling me, so I carefully pulled out to grab Pippa. When I did, she started crying, “Oh hey, no need for that missy, I know you’re hungry, my boobs are making sure I know”, Anne had been so nice to bring one of her loveseats here so I could breastfeed, so I sat there to feed Pippa.
About twenty minutes into the feeding, I heard a pull of air and turned to see Harry waking up, he started looking around the room and smiled, “There they are! Hi, my loves”. “Hello birthday boy, how was your nap?”. He stretched and laid down again, “It was good, but I missed you guys”. I smiled at him then I remembered something.
“Hey, there are two packages inside my suitcase, could you please grab them?” He nodded and went into the closet. When he came back, he was trying so hard to keep a straight face but was failing miserably.He placed the gifts on the bed before making his way to where I was finishing feeding Pippa and setting her up for a burp. “I thought we had agreed on no gifts missy”.
I shrugged my shoulders and told him “It’s your birthday, you deserve to be pampered, and the truth is one is mine and the other is from your little girl”. He kissed the back of her head and my forehead before going to sit on the bed. “Which should I open first?” I pointed to the square box and he nodded and started unwrapping it.
“That one is from Pip”. He smiled and removed the paper as he he pulled out a personalized book from Pippa. I could see him tear up and looked up at me, “Baby…” I smiled, “That way, you two can have your special bedtime story book”. “I cannot wait to read it to her, thank you”. He walked to where we were sitting and kissed me.
“I’m glad you loved it baby”. He then made his way back to the bed and grabbed the other gift. When he opened it, he pulled out a box full of vouchers I had made for dates, massages, dinners, kisses, and more. He laughed and turned to look at me, “When can I start redeeming them?”, “Hm, when we return to London”. He groaned, but nodded.
I stood up and started swaying with Pippa. He came and hugged us telling me“Thank you for my gifts baby, I love them so much”. I kissed his lips, “I’m glad you do”. I turned to see the time and sighed, “We better start getting ready, everyone will be here in about an hour”. He groaned but nodded, “Are you ready for them to meet her?” I nodded excitedly, “Especially Thea and Ella”. He smiled, “Me too love”.
February 1, 2022
Harry. Holmes Chapel, England. 4:30 PM.
I was pretty thankful that this birthday I had all of my family here with me to celebrate. The food mum had ordered was delicious and everyone was so happy to meet Pippa. I was currently seated on the floor playing with Thea while Ella was holding Pippa. She turned to look at me and gave me a smile.
“I cannot believe that just a few years ago we were joking about coming to your mum’s house for Christmas with our babies and we are here now”. I laughed, “I know, still feels like a dream huh?” She nodded, I turned to look at Thea who gave me a gummy smile, “Oh look at that smile! You are gorgeous darling!”, Ella smiled, “And this lovie! I’m so impressed by how much she looks like her mumma.”
We sat there for a few minutes in silence just cuddling the babies before Ella spoke up again, “I’m proud of you H; you chose a great woman to be your partner.”, I gave her a smile, “Just like you and Ryan”, I reached to squeeze her knee, we both turned to the door where Gemma entered carrying a cake while my family started singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
After they were done, I blew out the candles and my mum started cutting the cake, sharing a piece with everyone. I sat down next to where Y/N was sitting talking with my auntie Dee who was holding Pippa. She smiled at us, “She really is a beauty Harry, oh I cannot wait until you two get married!” We both laughed before I squeezed her hip before answering my aunt, “Soon Aunt Dee”. Y/N kissed my cheek in reassurance before answering, “All in due time”.
February 1, 2022
Holmes Chapel, England. 8:45 PM.
After we said goodbye to the last guests, I went into the kitchen where Anne was waiting for me. She made sure Harry was not near before she pulled out a wrapped gift from the cabinet and handed it to me, “Here darling, everything is ready for you guys”. I smiled and grabbed the gift, “I really cannot thank you enough”.
She shrugged her shoulders, “You guys deserve a night off, and I am really excited about having one-on-one with my babe”. I reached in and pulled her into a hug, “We’ll see you tomorrow, yes? Please if you need anything call us, but milk is pumped and measured for you, and I left everything you might need out”. She squeezed my arms, “We’ll be okay, and you guys will be a fifteen-minute drive away”. I nodded and jumped a little when I heard someone clear their throat.
I turned and smiled when I found Harry standing there, “What are you ladies up to huh?”. I smiled and while Anne excused herself Harry made his way to me. He pulled me into his arms, settling his hands on my lower back and kissed my lips before speaking up, “Hi lovie”. I laughed and then whispered to him, “Hi birthday boy”.
He pouted his lips and squeezed my love handles, “Heeey”., I laughed and kissed his chest, “Hi love”. He gave me a boyish grin before reaching down to pull me into a kiss. Before we could get carried away, I pulled back, which he was not happy about and he started blowing raspberries on my neck.
I was laughing so hard but managed to tell him in between laughs, “Wait! Wait! I have one last birthday present for you!”. He pulled back, a soft smile decorating his face, “You didn’t have to, you have given me so much already”. I shrugged my shoulders, “It’s your birthday, and I wanna make up for the birthday I missed”. I grabbed the box which was on the counter next to me and handed it to him. “Open it”.
He smiled and unwrapped the little gift and came across a box. When he pulled off the lid, he found a key and grabbed it, “Did you buy me a house?”. I shook my head, “Not really, but I did get us a place for the night, just you and me”. There was a twinkle in his eyes I hadn’t seen in a while. He leaned and whispered, “Will I need my birthday suit?” My heart started beating so fast at his comment before whispering to him, “Maybe…”
I kissed the shell of his ear and walked away to the living room so I could cuddle Pippa, who was lounging on her bouncer. Before we left, I picked her up and started swaying while kissing her head. A few seconds later, Harry came into the room and pouted when he saw Pippa. He came to where we were standing and ran a hand down her head.
“Are you okay leaving her?” I nodded, “We need some time for us H, she has been the center of our Universe for the last two months”. He nodded and smiled at his mom, who had just walked into the living room. He pulled her into a hug, “Thank you mum”. Anne hugged him back and kissed his cheek before pulling back, “You guys deserve this, Pippa will definitely be okay yes?”, I nodded and turned to look at Harry and gave him a reassuring smile.
Harry asked “Can I hold her?”, I nodded and handed the baby to him, who immediately cuddled into his chest, her favorite place. He smiled and swayed a little before kissing her head and telling her, “Please be on your best behavior for Nana yes? Mumma and Daddy will be back before you notice it, but if you miss us too much just tell your Nana and she’ll give us a call.” Anne and I let out a laugh, God this man was very much in love with his baby.
He then handed her to me and turned to hug is mom bye, while I squeezed Pippa a little before whispering to her, “I’ll miss you sweet girl, I’ll see you tomorrow, yes?”. When Harry and Anne pulled back she made her way to me. I handed her the baby and she pulled me into a side hug, “Enjoy yourselves darling, we’ll be fine”. I nodded and kissed her cheek before making my way to where Harry was standing, I pulled the overnight bag from the closet and we left the house before we both cried.
February 1, 2022
Harry. Holmes Chapel, England. 9:10 PM.
When we closed the door, my heart started racing with excitement. I was so thankful for all the surprises I had gotten today, but this topped pretty much everything. As I was about to get into the driver side Y/N pulled me to the passenger side. I obliged and smiled at her, “You’re driving huh?”
She smiled and nodded her head, “You just have to relax and let me do my thing okay?”, I smiled at her, she then grabbed a blindfold from her pocket and turned to look at me, “May I?”. I nodded and she carefully came over to where I was seated., I put my seatbelt on and once I was settled she placed the blindfold on me. Before she pulled back she placed a kiss on the corner of my lips.
I whined a little and she laughed before I interrupted her, “Stop teasing!” She squeezed my arm, leaned into me and whispered to my ear, “Don’t worry, there’s so much more from where that came from.” I shuddered and sat up a little straighter while I heard her make her way to the driver’s side.
She turned on the car and when the radio came to life I smiled, “Is this our playlist?”She hummed in agreement, “It is baby, thought we could make our fifteen-minute drive a little bit more entertaining, what do you think?”,“I love it, I love you.” She reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze, “I love you more.”
The ride itself went really fast. Once she parked the car and turned off the radio, I heard her get out the door, and a few seconds later I heard her come to my side. She opened the door and removed my seatbelt before helping me get out of the car. Once I was out, she closed the door and made her way to the boot to grab the overnight bag.
I heard a thud which meant she probably had dropped the bag before squeezing my arms, “Okay, you ready?” I nodded eagerly and she laughed as she removed my blindfold, I waited for a second before I opened my eyes and was in awe at the little cottage in front of us. I turned to see my girl and gave her a smile, “Where did you find this?”
She shrugged before answering, “I have my secrets.” I laughed and pulled her into a hug before whispering, “Thank you my love.” She squeezed me before pulling back, “Come on, there is more inside.” I grabbed her hand and scoffed when she did not let me help her with the overnight bag. We stopped at the front door and she nudged me to open and go inside.
My heart was beating so fast, I truly did not know what to expect. I opened the door and immediately smiled at the sight, the cottage was lined up with fake candles and sunflower bouquets. I continued to walk inside and stopped at the kitchen where I found a little banoffee pie with a candle.
It was then that I noticed that the living room was filled with balloons that had pictures of me with all my favorite people, including her and Pippa, and in the middle of the room I found a book addressed to me. I kneeled down and started tearing up when I realized there were letters from people in my life, friends from high school, people from my One Direction times, my filming crew and some cast mates, a drawing from Otis and Daisy, and at the end my closest friends which included letters from all four boys.
As I was looking, I furrowed my brows when I noticed that Y/N had not written me anything, but just before I could ask her why, I saw that the last page had gotten stuck and when I turned I let out a sob when I found three of my favorite pictures of all time, I had taken it when we were at the hospital when Pippa was born, one of my girls snuggling in the very early hours of the morning, the last one was of the first belly pictures she had ever sent me, which had also been my lock and home screen until Pippa was born.
And the third one, a picture of us cuddling on the couch, with our hands resting on her belly. I remember I took it just a few days before Pippa had made her arrival, and back then I swore I could never ever love the woman laying with me more than I did, turns out I was wrong. I smiled when I found her handwriting, I knew she wasn’t a big writer, but her message conveyed everything I knew she wanted to say: Thank you for finding your way back to me <3
When I turned and stood up I started tearing up again when I saw her standing there with the cake and candle turned on, she started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me once more and once she was done, I laughed and leaned down to blow the candle, I pulled her in for a kiss before I felt her smear some of the whipped cream on my cheek.
I nuzzled myself into her neck making sure that my cheek full of whipped cream was rubbing her, and God I swear her laugh could make even the angriest man laugh. “Stop! H, please stop!” I kissed her neck and pulled back a little before smiling at her and reaching to peck her lips. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, before gaining her momentum again and saying, “Shall we eat this pie?”
I nodded in agreement, and although I did want to eat the pie I knew that was not what she wanted to tell me, but I would respect her and wait until she was ready to say what she wanted to say. I sat down on the chair and pulled her into my lap, “Thank you baby, I loved the book”. She smiled while eating her pie and feeding me some. She swallowed and then answered, “You deserve it H”.
She suddenly stood up and went into the little fridge and pulled out a bottle of non-alcoholic wine before coming back to me. I asked “We’re doing it out of the bottle?” She nodded and smiled, she then offered me the bottle before giving me an apprehensive look, “I’m sorry it’s not alcoholic, I know- “
I shushed her by placing a finger on her mouth to silence her, “Baby don’t apologize, I know how much breastfeeding means to you, and I wouldn’t ask you to pump and dump just because of my birthday.” She nodded, a small appreciative smile on her face before encouraging me to take a sip, which I did. We passed it back and forth, and as we drank our wine and ate our pie I could feel something in the atmosphere shift.
While I was dishing the last of her pie, she cleared her throat and I turned to give her a smile. When I ran a hand along her thigh, she had that look again, and I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it meant, but this time her look did not falter. “Do you remember when we went and saw Betty?” I nodded, “Yeah, about a week ago, why?” She was playing with her fingers before she answered me, “Do you remember what she said about…us?” Ahh, so this is where she was going huh? Maybe I’ll tease her a bit.
I nodded, “I do baby, she said you were doing so well with your recovery and that she was happy to see you.” She nodded, “Yeah, and what else did she say?” I pretended to ponder for a moment before turning to look at her, a serious expression in my face, “That was all wasn’t it?”, I could see her start to blush while she whined and hid herself in my neck.
I laughed and kissed her cheek before whispering to her, “I know what else she said, I just wanted to make you sweat baby.” She pulled back while imitating me and then wrapped her arms around my neck before kissing my nose and speaking up, “You think you’re so funny huh?” She kissed my nose again before sitting straighter and clearing her throat, I could tell she was nervous, and for some reason I started to feel nervous too.
“In all seriousness, and addressing the elephant in the room”, I nodded and squeezed her hip letting her know I was listening to her, “Six weeks are up”, I nodded, “And... well we have gotten in between second and third base so far yeah?” I chuckled and nodded. She sighed before continuing, “What if… what if I told you I was ready for a home run?” My heart started beating so fast and I took a deep breath before speaking up.
“Baby…” She placed her finger on my lips, “I know where you are heading so let me reassure you; no, it is not just because it is your birthday, I genuinely want you to make love to me, I trust you enough to know you will take care of me.”
I squeezed her hips. “Baby this is like your first time all over again.” She nodded, “And I want it to be with you.” I was still apprehensive, I knew how important this was for her and truly, I did not feel like I deserved to be the one it happened with. She kissed my temple before whispering into my ear, “I know what you are thinking, you do deserve it baby, I would always choose you, my best friend, baby daddy, love of my life.”
She pulled back and gave me a smile, there was something in her look that made me feel like butterflies were roaming my belly, something that screamed I love you, I trust you. After a few moments I nodded, “Are you completely sure?” She laughed, “Man, if I knew how hard it would be for me to undress you I wouldn’t have asked.” We both laughed before I grabbed her face and squeezed her cheeks to get her attention.
“I’m sorry, I just really want for you to be sure, I feel honored you want this with me baby, and yes, I promise I will take care of you.” She nodded before reaching to kiss me and after a few seconds she pulled back before whispering to my lips, “Take me upstairs?”, I hoisted her up by her thighs and as we continued to kiss, we started making our way upstairs, but not before making sure the door was locked.
I put her on her feet when we got upstairs, I was in awe, the room was full of candles, the air had a smell of citrus which reminded me of our trip to Sorrento when it suddenly dawned on me and I pulled back, “Wait… is this the scent the hotel in Sorrento we stayed in used?” She gave me a cheeky smile and nodded her head, “You know what happened in Sorrento, I thought we could relive old happy memories.”
I smiled while shaking my head, “You are something else baby, God, I love you” I walked to where she was standing and kissed her, then I pulled her into a hug and while she nuzzled into my neck. I told her again “Thank you for trusting me with this baby, I promise it will be special.” She pulled back and gave me a small smile, her eyes were full of fear and her hands were trembling, if she could hear and feel how fast my heart was going, she would be so surprised.
February 1, 2022
Holmes Chapel, England. 10:05 PM.
My hands were shaking, and my heart was beating about a thousand beats per minute. He reached to grab my hands and brought them to his lips, “Baby, you’re shaking so much, we really don’t have to do anything if you don’t feel comfortable or ready.”, I smiled and shook my head, “I want to, it’s just my nerves talking.”
He gave me an apprehensive nod and a smile, “We can stop whenever you feel like it, okay? I’ll go slow.” I smirked, “I should be the one undressing you, it’s your birthday after all.” He laughed, grabbed my face and kissed it, “Well, the birthday boy wants to be the one who undresses you.” I smiled and nodded.
I let out a shuddering breath., hHe pressed his forehead to mine and nudged his nose with mine before whispering, “Hey, it’s just me my love.”, I nodded and reached for his lips, and while we kissed, he pulled my sweater off my torso and I thenI reached to remove his coat, not caring where it fell.
While he ran his hands down my body, I started unbuttoning his shirt. Once I finished, I pulled it off his shoulders while and he removed the tank top I had been wearing today. I got so nervous I pulled my hands over my body, but he kissed my forehead and removed my arms, and told me “You’re gorgeous and I’m obsessed with your body baby, don’t hide it.” He patted my thighs which I took as a sign to jump into his arms while he walked us back to the bed.
He laid us down and started placing feather soft kisses on my neck while I played with his little curls. The familiar feeling of trust was finally starting to settle in, I felt him reach to pull down my leggings. I pulled one of my hands from his hair to try and unbuckle his pants, and before we knew it all of our clothing had been discarded.
Both of us sat up and were panting, looking into each other with eyes full of lust and love, and an appreciation for being able to find us again. Harry placed his hand on my cheek, and I did on his chest, which God I had forgotten was my weakness. His eyes were so ever reassuring, wanting to have my permission before doing anything else. I nodded and reached to pull him into a kiss, and when he squeezed my side I opened my mouth and moaned when I felt his tongue slip in.
His hands started caressing all the dips and valleys of my body, while his lips never left my face and neck. A squeeze to my thighs had me turning to look him in the eyes, lust written all over them and a question of whether he should continue or not, when I nodded, he started kissing his way down my body to where I craved him the most.
With rolling eyes and a panting chest I welcomed the haze and euphoria he had managed to vest upon me. Soft sultry whispers of his name fell off my lips, a squeeze to the hand he had pressed in my direction wanting to remind him how good it felt and how much I trusted him. I really did not know how much time had passed, the burning was growing bigger and bigger by the second until it had me arching my back and screaming his name as I let myself go.
And as the haze disappeared along with the newfound lightness, I felt him kiss my belly before I looked down and gave him a lazy smile. Oh how I had missed this feeling, the feeling only he knew how to give me. I leaned on my elbows and gave him a smile, still panting and trying to hold on to this feeling before he spoke up, “Still got it huh?” I laughed and nodded, “I swear it was even better than before.”
I pulled him up by his hand and we laid down next to each other, words would never be enough to describe the love I felt for this man. He nudged his nose with mine as a way of making sure I was still okay. I nodded and kissed his lips before pulling back and resting his forehead with mine. hHe caressed my hair while I played with the little curls that fell at the back of his head, hoping that I was able to convey everything I was feeling right in that moment.
I love you, I missed this, I missed us
He started placing pecks all over my face, and that was enough for me to understand what he was trying to say
I love you too, I missed us, I missed you more than life itself, I’ll always take care of you
If there was something I loved, it was seeing Harry blissful and happy, just like we are now. I started kissing his neck and shoulders before kissing his chest. I swung a leg over his torso and settled there, his hands reached to squeeze my thighs, a lazy, sexy smile adorning his face. I kissed his temple, then turned to his lips, chin and below his ear.
As his breath quickened, I continued to place some kisses on his chest, pecks, over the butterfly that adorned his belly while also slithering down to settle in between his legs; once I saw the ferns, I took my time loving them before moving to the tiger which I had honestly missed so much. His moans were increasing in volume and his hands were searching for something to hold on to before finally settling on the comforter.
And as his abdomen contracted, I could see his face start turning red, sweat dripping down his temples and more soft moans falling from his mouth, moans that increased in volume and were accompanied by my name and his favorite nicknames, until suddenly it all stopped and his sigh of relief was the only thing I could hear. A triumphant smile decorated my face while I straddled him again and kissed his nose before asking him, “Hey, you still with me?” A lazy smile all over his face before nodding and answering in a hoarse voice, “You are trying to kill me”
The stamina was still going strong, and the desire had only grown, and as I caressed his curls, I felt his hand roam all over my torso, heart rate slowly rising and sweat starting to fall in the dip of my back. As he laid kisses on the crevice between my neck and chest he blew a raspberry. I laughed, and a second later his laugh met mine.
He settled his hand on my hip giving it a squeeze hoping to get my attention, I turned to see his face adorned with a smile, silently asking for my permission to allow his hand continue south down my body. I placed a kiss on his chin before nodding, his fingers swiftly moving along, silent moans exiting my lips.
I closed my eyes and colors exploded behind my eyelids, the mix of his fingers moving, the spark that we both shared combined with the anticipation had me squeezing his bicep and leaving fingernail imprints on his skin. My loud moans and terms of endearment filled the vast room until all of a sudden, I could only see white.
We laid there in silence for a few before I cleared my throat and whispered, “Harry?” He hummed, “Yes, my love?” He turned to look at me, I nudged his nose with mine before whispering to his lips, “Make love to me” He gave me the sweetest smile and nodded, “You don’t even have to ask”, and before I could react he had pulled me to a straddle in his lap and was now lovingly kissing my chest and collarbone, a tingling overtaking my feelings before he stopped and turned to look me in the eye.
“We’ll stop whenever you feel like it okay?” I nodded and he started kissing my neck, ear and cheeks, before stopping on my lips and whispering, “I love you” All of a sudden, the connection, feeling and warmth that I had missed and was also terrified of experiencing again was there, but God I had been so wrong, this felt so right for both of us. Both of our pants and moans intertwined with the warm light decorating the room.
As we tried to find a rhythm there was laughter, there was a clumsiness that came from the nerves we both had and the desire to please each other to the best of our capabilities; and all of a sudden there was bliss, stolen kisses and whispers, there was thrill and excitement, there was surprise with the laughter, there were memories and above all there was love, there was a recognition of the love we shared and the reminder that this love had given us her, the one who held our heart.
As my heartbeat raised and the burning and eagerness grew, and as we both started panting even harder, there was a need, a climb to reach the highest point possible. Harry turned to me and desperately whispered, “Whenever you’re ready my love.” I nodded and started kissing his neck, and just like the last time, there was a release, a relief full of happiness and bliss. I am not sure how long we laid there cuddling, my head over his heart listening to the beating slow down, his hand running down my arm.
A recognition shared between us through love in our eyes and relaxed smiles. This was so worth the wait, I would wait for you forever.
After we were both calm, he turned to look at me and whispered, “Forever and always?” I smiled and pulled him for a kiss before pulling back a little and whispering to his lips, “Always and forever.”
February 2, 2022
Harry. Holmes Chapel, England. 7:35 AM.
A tickle in my nose pulled me from my slumber. I opened my eyes to find my love sleeping with her head resting where my heart was and her hand tangled with mine, and for a few moments the only thing I could do was stare at her.
She was beautiful, she was light, she was magic, she was more than I ever could hope for in a partner, and everything I would ever need and more. As we laid there, I took the opportunity to study her, she was the same girl I fell in love with four years ago, but now she had some eye bags that came along with the territory of being a new mum.
Her freckle I loved to kiss was still there, she had some wrinkles but against popular thought she got them from laughing rather than aging, her hair was changing like crazy from postpartum loss and new growth. I wanted to let her rest so I quietly got out of bed and made my way downstairs, where I started brewing some coffee and sat down to sip it while watching the morning roll in the field behind the cottage.
It was crazy to think how different this birthday had been from last year. Yes, I did celebrate with friends and Olivia, but my family missing it was a huge downer; and truthfully, I was still grieving my breakup with Y/N. It was around that time Patricia and I started working on how those feelings affected me.
If you would have told 27-year-old me that this birthday he would have spent it cuddling the love of his life and their teeny tiny baby girl he would’ve laughed, because how on Earth would the woman who broke his heart in an effort to mend her already broken heart forgive him? And especially agree to raise a baby with him? Nah that was surreal to even think about, but then again, here we are.
I was pulled from my thought when I felt a pair of arms hug me from behind. I smiled and placed my cup on the table before pulling her arms so she could sit with me. Ipecked her lips multiple times before muttering against them, “Good morning my love.” She smiled before replying, “Good morning, slept well?”
I nodded and continued to peck her lips, while getting ourselves comfortable so that we could cuddle for a bit. She had brought a blanket with her for us to be warm.After a few seconds of silence she started laughing. I turned and gave her a questioning look, but she started getting bashful before replying, “I just remembered I had another surprise for you for yesterday, but I was so nervous I forgot.”
I laughed and kissed her neck before muttering, “Maybe you can show it to me now??” She laughed and shook her head, “Nah, I think I’ll let the anticipation grow”, I rolled my eyes but nodded. We settled again for a little but there was something in her eyes, a thought that was troubling her.
“Baby? You okay?” She nodded her head and sighed, “Can I ask you something?”, I nodded, “What does home mean for you?”, I pondered a little before answering, “You and Pippa, the thought of coming home to you too every single day”. She nodded and then asked, “Is there any place that makes you think of home?”, I answered “You two, I truthfully could be in London, New York, LA or China for all I know, but if you two are with me everything will be okay, why?”
She sighed and turned to look at me, “It’s just that I’ve been thinking about it a lot, about what home means to me and where do I see my home, and much like you, home is Pippa and it’s you, it’s knowing that at the end of the day you two are with me, but a home also means community, means having a support system.”
She gave me sad smile before continuing, “We don’t have that in New York H, yes my family lives there but they all have their life, and the times you need to be away for work will start the need for the support system will be greater.” I squeezed her hip, “What are you saying baby?” She shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know, maybe… maybe we could think about moving… back here?”
I sat up a little, “To Holmes Chapel?” She shook her head, “Maybe London? I know you have work to do in the city and Gemma lives there and we have friends, and your mom is also close”. I cleared my throat, “What about LA?” She shook her head, “I don’t wanna raise Pippa there, where paparazzis lurk in every corner.” She had a point, London was the place I was papped the least, if anything it was fans who would ask for pictures and it would be easier to ask them for privacy.
“I though you loved New York baby?” She gave me a melancholy smile, “I do, I love it with all my heart, but my heart has another person whose safety and wellbeing comes first, she deserves stability, having family close by, being able to go to a park without the fear of getting papped”, I nodded.
Before I could answer she spoke up, “It’s just something to think about, yes? We don’t have to make a permanent decision over it”. I nodded, “Yeah, we have all the time in the world.” She gave me a passionate kiss before pulling back a little and muttering, “We do.”
February 13, 2022
London, England. 22:30 AM.
Pippa was turning two months old today and I was in denial. How can my baby be so big already? Time needed to slow down a little please. To celebrate, Harry and I had decided to go out for Sunday brunch at The Mandrake, and afterwards we would go to the British Museum.
Brunch was amazing and now we were making our way to the museum when we stopped at Whittard so I could buy some tea. Harry following behind me with Pip asleep in the carrier, smelling all the teas. After making our way to the cashier, he paid for my tea, his excuse? A gift for being a mom for two whole months.
I laughed and kissed his cheek, “Thank you baby.” He kissed my forehead, “You’re welcome my heart.” We left the cashier and started making our way to the exit. As soon as we did, I crashed into someone and almost went tumbling when a hand stopped me.
When I got my footing back and let Harry know I was okay, I turned to see the person with whom I had crashed. Oh boy was I in for a surprise, “I’m so sorry I was not looking where I was- Mathew?” He stood up straighter, still as tall and handsome as I had remembered, but having aged a little and looking pretty surprised, just as I was before he muttered, “Birdie?”
@adoredeanna @alienorknight @be-with-me-so-happily @beachwoodcaferryy @behindmygreyeyes @cherrylovesblog @clarawolf22 @dayxoxodreamer @dirtytissuebox @futuristicpalacegardenpsychic @goldenlouvr @groovychaosavenue @harrysficreblog @harryspirate @hoya122 @imaginesofdreams @i-got-the-cinema @infinitely-yellow @irelilien @itsgabbysblog @itsgigikay @jgoff717 @kathy522 @kaitieskidmore1 @last-saturday-night @michellekstyles @msolbesg @qualitygiantshoepsychic @shawnsblue @spicyscorpsag @sunshinemoonsposts @tinydeskwriter @tinydestinybear @tpwkstyles1d @voosa @watercolorskyy @wherethehellhaveyoubeenharry
#harry styles x reader#harry styles imagines#dad harry styles imagine#the story of us#harry styles imagine#harry imagine#dad!harry#harry styles fanfiction#harry styles story#harry styles fanfic#harry styles fic#harry styles smut#harry styles fluff
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The Stormlight Archive Volume 1: The Way of Kings’ Review: Chapters 5-8
link to contents page - https://at.tumblr.com/the-vibes-are-off/hey-hey/96xd9ohihrzs
Right, well, you know how I said in my previous post that my COVID test was negative? Yeah so I was swiftly clowned and I am now SICK right on essay season. I have dug out crusty dusty old HP Pavilion to do work but I’m essentially only using it for Tumblr so. My partner is officially in another country now (I know you’re going to read this so pls come back I am dying) so I cant even be babied 24/7 due to the time difference. On season 4 of Criminal Minds already tho so ....
In terms of reading, I am officially back and LOVING it. I am limiting myself to 4 chapters in one setting because that’s how much I want my review sections to cover and writing this takes longer than I thought it would tbh. Lets get to it!
Spoiler Free Zone:
The split narrative is like definitely managing my problems with maintaining my attention. I will say that since Kaladin’s story line, although definitely interesting don’t get me wrong, would probably get boring if it was all I was reading. I’m more a magic and lore and pretty women fantasy enjoyer than a grr fight fantasy enjoyer since my like gritty lit enjoyment comes from different genres.
Loving the direction that Shallan’s plot line is going in, I’m glad Brandon doesn’t just give the characters what they want straight away and there is at least the illusion that they’re working for something even though its obvious they’ll achieve it eventually.
Mostly, I’m just loving the characters they’re introducing in Shallan’s story, maybe not so much SOME people (a certain person specifically I dislike is beginning, BEGINNING to grow on me) as they’re just so lovely and cute and nice and ugh we love to see it.
*** SPOILERS INCOMING ***
Spoiler Zone:
I’m saying it now, I did initially think Jasnah was just a bitch tbh like I get she’s all important and up her own ass or whatever but she doesn’t appreciate art??? I get Shallan like couldnt just get what she wanted but like .... come on. I was so mad when she just started shouting n shit when Shallan was waiting in the alcove like get a grip pls. However.... turning a boulder to smoke? I had to tab that as cool, like that was just a smart idea to clear it and a cool fckn power to have
Shallan wanting to steal tho? I love her, a true icon as she should steal from the bitch. I literally just tabbed it love this bc ? Slay like what else could I do. I’d steal it too
aaaaaaaaand then were back to Kaladin actually just getting fucking shit on at every turn yet again. mf has to carry a bridge?? and then get shot at with arrows?? my goodness give this man a break
The spren getting a name tho like Syl is acc like carrying Kaladin’s arc for me I want to know what is going on there I am trying so hard not to spoil it for myself
From an arts and humanities student standpoint, I did tab Shallan describing how she views her art and the process of creation as like fleshy and human. Like in both studying and writing poetry I relate to capturing a person or a place or a moment on paper
And then 2 cuties that I simply had to draw attention to in Brother Kabsal and Yalb. They are iconic and I adore them the end :*
Tab Count:
Cute: 2
Fights: 1
Sad: 1
Death: 0
Cool: 0
Wtf wow: 1
Wtf why: 0
Slay Quotes: 0
Love this: 2
Hate this: 0
Tab Total:
Cute: 3
Fights: 4
Sad: 1
Death: 2
Cool: 4
Wtf wow: 2
Wtf why: 1
Slay Quotes: 3
Love this: 5
Hate this: 1
PS: If anyone actually reads this far down comment (or post me if you’re feeling generous) your fave tea to drink when you’re sick because I’m going through maybe 10 cups a day and I am swiftly running out....
#brandon sanderson#the way of kings#stormlight archive#kaladin stormblessed#kaladin#shallan#shallan davar#jasnah kholin#book#books#books and reading#book review#fantasy#high fantasy#book tabbing#book annotations#english literature#literature#literature review
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[I am fine I am just saving people who don't want to see my covid venting]
Listen, for complete transparency I am behind on my covid boosters + still way more lax about masking than I should be, but I do have my reusable N95 + N99 masks that I wear everywhere bar my desk at work, students' houses*, or at home. We got the HEPA filters running 24/7 at home**. I STAY HOME WHEN IM SICK. I also remain very boring and masking in public aside I also really don't go to places where I'll be around strangers bar attending theatre (which is my JOB).
I am primarily concerned about covid, but to avoid people feeling the need to grill me I will sometimes swerve to say that my PhD advisor has bad lungs + is immunocompromised and so I'm actually not able to see her if I have ANY respiratory infection (which is also true). But also people look™️ at me in public and will sometimes directly challenge my masking, and sometimes (especially in theatre settings) I will get really pissed by this and actually grow a spine about it and talk about how not only are people dying and being disabled but also the theatre industry in Australia COLLAPSED and in order to keep my Fucking Job I NEED us to make it safe to gather in person. (Also I'm working in disabled theatre rn so... y'know... let's not kill our fellow artists y'all!!)
So this established, yesterday was the second time in less than three months that my brother's gf has come over while symptomatically sick. Last time she was fucken putting her toothbrush touching mine and everything so both myself and my brother got sick. I haven't been sick since early 2021, I suspect largely because I mask (which rocks imo), but then she comes over for a visit without telling my brother or anyone else she's unwell bc she's turned a negative RAT (it was negative RAT tests from all involved the whole illness so inshallah not covid).
That time she knew she was sick sick, and so even though she says yesterday she thought it was just hayfever that honestly doesn't win her much credit with me bc it clearly doesn't actually matter to her. And now she has turned a positive RAT and I am just apoplectic with rage. (My brother is also pretty fucken put out because she is apparently consistently not telling him if she's ill before they meet up, including when he goes over to hers.)
I am angry enough that I am waiting until I'm calmer to make it an official call, but honestly I am considering just banning her from our house. Ma'am you work in allied health what's not fucking clicking???
Like she's very apologetic and I appreciate that and MAYBE I'd be a bit more forgiving (given her symptoms were pretty mild and she does have my sympathy about trying to differentiate hayfever and illness) if I hadn't already been made "week in bed" sick by her THIS SAME FUCKEN RESEARCH QUARTER.
I also know that I'm extra mad bc at the moment she's acting as a symbol for my brain of all the people who should know better but don't even try, for the government policy that is going to kill the presence of the artform I love in this country and also like.... SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE. Like she did not individually do that. But what she has done is at best risked and at worst transmitted this fucking virus to me and my housemates, after ALREADY making 2/3 of us sick less than 90 days ago, and I'm angry I'm so so so angry.
*this is probably the really risky choice
**which has also done wonders for the asthma so that's a nice bonus
#it me#delete later#maybe??#if i cool down and think this is cringe idk#I'll put the tag so I can at least find it
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Charmed! 2023 Recap - (Day 2: Thursday)
Part 1 link
Part 2 (you're here)
Part 3 link
Part 4 link
Part 5 link
As before this is an edited version of my personal therapy journal tailored for public posting. All scene names and stories included are done with permission. - This entry was half written at the con and edited for internet so there will be times where the tensing refers to events in the future and in the past. Apologies for that confusion
I slept from 1:45am-7:30am, my heart raced as the narrative of a scary dream pulled me to wakefulness.
Not the kind of heart racing I was hoping for to begin my day, alas. But the timing was *perfect*. Daja had just at that moment sent a message that she was starting her route. She was less than 5 hours away.
“Come to me.” I softly commanded, extending my presence far across the distance.
My heart ached, my lips could feel the air where they desired her lips.
“I am here, waiting for you. Come to me, my dear.”
And so the countdown begun.
I took a few moments to hug my plushie familiar who goes where I goes and come down from a dream which should not have terrified as much as it did. My boyfriend, Copper, and I were to share a coffee before he went down to the museums.
I had a coffee date! It was time to change!
Charmed! Outfit 1: Sunrise's dress.
Perfect for being plugged into brainwashing devices and reunions with long distance loves ~<3
While I did that my COVID test pinged negative. I grabbed a snapshot.
I maneuvered to add my gender dysphoria protection, my “chicken cutlets” but a somft voice in my head scolded me for the effort. “This is me.” It insisted.
We're going in to the con on our own esteem then? No augmentations? Good to know.
I went to grab my badge and got the 4th one. Nath, one of my metamours, was 2 spaces ahead of me so got a brief hug. Nath is a good friend, though I tend to be shy around my metamours. A little bit of that old programming from a life before keeps insisting that any love I take from a partner is taken away from their other partners and I should feel guilty about that.
Life doesn't work that way. Love doesn't work that way. But the thought persists. That's mine to deal with. I try not to burden other people with my baggage until they ask for it.
There was not enough time to do a full reunion though as Copper and I had our coffee date–
PERSONALLY CATERED BY A PANDA!
A playful and bouncy panda billing itself as "Panda Express" which is both adorable and charming.
It was so lovely! Drip coffee with a smooth flavor that lingers pleasantly!
Happy chats and calm comfort!
There was talk of plans and recounting of the prior night’s fun, including the plane ride. Hair coloring. Hopes and fantasies and the relief of feeling Seen.
I had long awaited my moment to meet with Panda and the Triad that it belonged to. I am overjoyed that it didn't disappoint.
But it had plans, Copper had a trip and there was a convention to begin!
Everyone scattered and I thought about diving into the con--- but perhaps first some weekend prep!
I was too excited to get started and went straight to outfit and mild make-up without a super grooming session. Checked my phone for the temporary GPS of Daja's car. A countdown I could follow for her arrival. She's not here. Not even close. Not yet! I couldn't begin all the fun stuff we had prepared and negotiated. The plane scene was only the start.
I couldn't do the fun stuff, but I could do a ton of ironing to save time for when I was able to enjoy things a bit more!
While I ironed I had a big conversation with my Counterpart Puppet and Sleepyhead. I got emotional about my inconsistencies and volatile personality. Started crying for no gosh darn reason for I am a silly Kitty x.x;
Sad to say this would be the first of a ton of times my emotions caught me off-guard this weekend x.x;
Don't worry, I'm editing the meltdowns out for the public facing recaps! Y'all know where my BPD tag is <3
With ironing done there seemed to be less than an hour until the promised arrival. A morning well spent and a heart full of cheer, I moved on to greet Daja!
The original plan was to do the dommey “come to me!” moment but my heart was too explode with joy so I just glomped. Daja woke up early for me! “You’re the only Sunrise worth waking up for!”
I am squishy melty squee! So so happy!
It was a short-lived reunion as her trance card had other names on the list above mine, but she was sure to show me all the ways I would later be doomed. Mind melting VR headsets and hypnotic orange chocolate. As well as a surprise tool which we may need later.
-
The afternoon was fairly lowkey. I found some familiar faces in Turq and Mazirian in the common area and took some time to discuss simple things like anime and wrestling. I was introduced to some of the more flavorful acts and some of the feats of incredible strength such as picking talent up by their ankles and hammer throwing them like Miss Trunchbull. Made me think about the fact that people picking me up is one of those horseshoe things. Right on the border between ABSOLUTELY NOT red and ...please....? green...
Only one person is allowed to pick me up. I am Excalipurr.
Turq and I have a decent enough relationship as metamours. I share the same shyness with him that I work hard to conquer with Nath and Puppet. It's a shame because Turq and I have a *lot* in common. We can talk about anime/manga and focus on the classics. We enjoy wrestling, Transformers, video games and we both are quite fond of a certain lass.
Maz is someone I have had very limited contact with. We flirt online openly, which is fairly rare for me, but he is firmly in the circle of people I have marked as Trusted. He's vouched for by my Goddess, my girlfriend and is partners with one of the fleeting few connections I had with the hypnosis community in the 2000s. He's fantastic with hairplay and---
--if I may be a little self-obsessed in my self-obsessed journal? ...he makes me feel attractive. His compliments on my hair, the genuine flirting... it makes my gender dysphoria go away. I present myself as an attractive woman a lot, especially in these spaces. I don't know how he does it, but he makes my mind forget that it's something I'm presenting as. It's just something that I am.
It was nice to just enjoy some gentle social energy and try to get added to the trance card of a lovely friend who worked with me briefly at Beguiled. I also finally got to meet Glitter-Spiral who is a very important human that I have evaded meeting for 3 years worth of events.
Glitter-Spiral has not let up on complaining to Daja about the fact that I have been RIGHT THERE for all this time and we keep missing one another. It was nice to finally meet her the energy that she exudes is so bright and forceful. Sassy and flooded with color. I could see instantly why she was scheduled to teach bratting.
As I enjoyed breaking street-date and hugging GS, Turq looked at his phone and audibly responded to the message “She’s sitting right next to me and I can ask for you.” Apparently Daja asked her spouse, Turq, if she could use the room to spend some time with me.
So I rushed upstairs and we worked a little on a couple things.
Firstly, practice for the Presence class. We ran some drills on the Big Moment we had discussed as an endcap to the hypnotist side of the demonstration. Something flashy and showy that I just needed practice with and we discussed blocking for the showy end of the hypnotee segment.
I had run many of these drills over and over with Sleepy but the script was not sticking to my mind and my nerves kept me from embodying my Top Space. I kept telling myself "we'll just read the script and do it live." "Trust that performance will give you the push you need." - another case of that dysfunction where my brain cannot accurately or coherently visualize the future and so lets all that hard work and practice disintegrate.
That used to be a big issue for me when I was a coder, but that's a story for another time.
The reason I mention it is because after running those drills with Daja, I finally felt prepared. I finally think I can teach a class!
Second on the agenda was working on an amnesia suggestion which will come up later and lastly installing a kiss summon trigger– because kiss summon triggers are my thing.
Daja returned the favor by plugging me into a 20 minute custom VR session to add in a few suggestions and gently scrub perception of them away.
During the session Daja installed two suggestions, both of which I shall lose memory of the moment I finish typing, the first is that when I nuzzle her I will drop deeply into trance and the second is a return of the summoning trigger from Beguiled.
(Future Cammie edit!: I now have full memory of this. As part of my therapy I journal daily and this was written on the day. I will make notes in the text when I am typing from after the convention)
There was a point where she heavily reminded me of Goddess’ control and that no hypnosis at all would work without my collar. I was told I reached for my collar and held it as I drank in that suggestion.
The aftercare for the scene progressed and triggers were tested and promptly forgotten once more.
-
From here on I type from after the convention. My memories of the above session remain with me both while working on the journal, for Daja ensured I could always journal reality, no matter what my mind perceived in a hypnotic compulsion (especially if I allowed myself to forget again afterwards) - but more crucially those memories will go with me back to Minnesota.
My hope is that by typing these words they may not fade as far too many tend to.
After the wonderful scene had been completed and sweet Cammie was puddlified and programmed, we agreed that it was a good time for food. My room contained myself, Sleepyhead and Puppet. Daja's room was her and Turq. We agreed that the two rooms should be a bubble for both COVID safety and meal sharing when appropriate.
The original plan was to connect Daja and Cammie rooms so we could just Kramer in to one another’s space all weekend. I feel that may have been a benefit to all had it have happened.
Alas. We had to walk a *whole flight of stairs!* Unacceptable.
Dinner for the night was a local Italian restaurant’s pizza. For Puppet a pasta dish (which required Daja and I to run over to Oikos Prime (remote) and grab cutlery, while saying hello to my Goddess Lady Ru’etha as well as other Oikos household members Jukebox and Copper… as well as sweet Timbit, the most adorable floof in the world) Sleepy got a 14” and for Turq, Daja and I we split a 16”. Sleepyhead had AGDQ on and insisted on showing Turq the AIRBOAT run, a modded Portal run that used Half-Life 2 objects on spawn to proceed through the testing facility instead of the normal portal guns.
The meal was well enjoyed and ended with Turq heading off to mingle and Daja had some more time put aside for scenes with other partners.
I decided that if I were going to get into a headspace less puddlified and a little more casual for the night then perhaps I would need to stop wearing my Sunrise dress, which was typically used for subby bliss scenes, such as the mind melting machine.
But my Dawn outfits were booked out for later in the weekend… so I made a quick change based on my proposed Travel Day outfit:
Charmed Outfit 2: Cozy Camden Winter-wear
For after brains have had time to be melted and one wants to drink coffee and see some familiar faces for no reason beyond socializing.
Socializing, as intended, was not as simple as I had assumed it would be for the majority of the time. In fact I felt quite overwhelmed. I am told that Pre-Pandemic Con Lifestyle involved a lot of group lunches and comfortable hangouts which were more accessible to making connections and melting shy exteriors. As it stood, I had a number of people do the “hey, it’s Cammie!” Moment and I never really worked out how to capitalize on it.
My own fault, really. Shyness is a crippling affectation and I cannot always be a forceful personality capable of running movie theatres or mingling on command.
But all too soon, Daja let me know that her personal jewelry commission from one of our lovely vending friends (whose I will edit in a name for if I get permission) was finished.
The commission was a blue bottle. A blue bottle because of a conversation the two of us had from when the vendors were showing off their wares.
As I typed on the final day of our last meet-up:
We did clean up. She packed away the summoning trigger and any other things which may have been picked up. I put away the blue fire, which I hadn’t intended to become a trigger, but Daja’s eager and clever brain picked up on it without hesitation. It was placed inside a glass bottle, waiting to be revealed again.
Blue Fire. The gift of perfect obedience. A trigger I had worked with in our last meeting, based on a story from the Tammy Pierce books Daja and I each love. A finger to the forehead. A magical blue fire. Then the enchanted individual would awaken having completed a single command. Whether it be as simple as climb down a tower or something unthinkable.
We had placed the magical blue fire which could melt her mind away inside a blue bottle, a reference in itself to Ocarina of Time.
We had agreed to unbottle the fire and return it on the night of the Soiree and use it to get Daja all nice and dressed up for the event while I offered her “my heart”, knowing she would return it in time. Theoretically it could be used in mingle with another scene we had that weekend, though.
Daja wanted to break street date and get to enjoy the blue flame for the entire weekend. I told her I was willing to go ahead and do that for her, but only if she was certain she wanted it.
Now, Miss Dawn is a Fae. This has been true since the days she was simply an expression of gender euphoria in tabletop scenes and LARP. She was not going to accept a simple “I’m sure” as a method of consent.
“Please, Miss Dawn. Uncork the bottle.”
You must say it of your own volition three times. Uncoerced and unbound by a fractionated mind. Say it three times and I shall uncork the bottle and unleash the spell which effortlessly bewitches your mind and engulfs you in the flame of Pure Obedience. Knowing that once that spell takes hold and melts your mind away there will not be a single thing you will not do for me when I command you under its enchantment.
“Please, Miss Dawn. Uncork the bottle.”
I lowered myself and took her arm and kissed her fiercely. Looked her in the eyes and held her gaze. I reminded her that she would act without any memory of her actions, that she would be giving me complete control of her and doing so without a long thought was simply unwise.
“Please, Miss Dawn. Uncork the bottle.”
Utilizing a previously installed trigger I commanded her to kiss me and enjoyed the moment. My fingers laced around the bottle. If she were to ask me one more time then I would be bound by my Fae Contract to comply and control her.
Was this really? Truly? Deeply desired?
“Please, Miss Dawn…”
I gave her hair a tug and looked her in the eyes.
“Please uncork the bottle.”
As you wish, my love.
What else could a Fae say when bound by a contract? I followed the pre-negotiated scene, which had some lovely amnesia laden suggestions hidden within. Because I am a tricky Fae and if the airplane ride and the MMM scene had not already proven, Daja and I studied for this test and had written a dissertation on how to make these scenes work.
I am also editorializing a little bit because I have a broken brain that doesn’t remember things and imagines things between the gaps.
“Hand me the bottle, my dear.”
And it was at this point, Daja learned that her arms were hanging loose at her side. She couldn’t reach up. She couldn’t unclasp it. If she couldn’t unclasp it she couldn’t hand it to me. If she couldn’t hand it to me, she couldn’t receive my gift of Perfect Obedience.
Daja noted her inability and I teased the chain. “I need you to offer it to me, my dear.”, my honey sweet voice taunting with my knowledge that she simply could not obey.
“Please, Miss Dawn. Please.”
Energy flowed between the pair of us and the Perfect Obedience trigger was tested. A finger to the forehead and Daja’s mind was set ablaze by blue fire. Her eyelids rolled up so beautifully and she would do *anything* I asked.
I am particularly proud of the two times I was able to show it off for an audience.
With the Obedience trigger installed and some more fun had, it was time to prepare for the morning. We were to go to Nath’s class, Daja and Tenn’s and then mine.
In order to go to mine we needed to have me ready to spend the night. So I masked up and rushed back to my room to perform the Walk Of Shame. Which I find lovely and amusing, given Nothing Was Going To Happen. But I got my pyjamas and tomorrow’s outfit and transported them to Daja’s room so I could Spend The Night. <3
I was still a lil’ bit overwhelmed and frazzled and made some silly mistakes like forgetting(?) my Precious. Precious is supposed to go with me and I forgot her!
It’s okay though. Miss had Faithful, Precious’ twin, and let me hug him while I slept…
And curled up with Miss and Faithful… I did sleep.
Part 3 link
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Common Sense Still Lacking in Medicine
Does anyone remember that the Covid Test, the ones used at doctor's offices, were recalled by the FDA? What were they recalled for? For being egregiously inaccurate. Yes, the FDA, the group who gladly uses us as test subjects for all the over the counter "health" products at your local gnc-type stores actually had to pull the Covid tests for their inaccuracy!
At that point, all the Covid testing became free. Why? Cause the tests don't work. Better said, they cannot distinguish between Covid, the Flu, a False Positive, a False Negative, and anything else. The maker of the test then came out and said, "I told people the test was a bad indicator of ID'ing the virus, because the test was largely inaccurate."
So, what are we still using to ID Covid? A doctor's office test and an at-home Covid test. Why? Anyone? Anyone? MONEY.
Why money? So you can take the anti-viral for Covid. Heads up. An anti-viral works before you might have the virus, not while you have the virus. Tami-Flu is a preventative. It doesn't rush you through having the flu when you already have it. The covid-specific medicine works the same way, but - since most people don't know that - they pay for the "meds helping Covid go away faster". We still don't know what all was in those injections, though we're learning more about what might happen after you took 1-5 doses. Would you want to try the medicine "helping you get over Covid faster" from the same people who made the vaccines? Us neither.
Now, when my wife's sick, running fever, sinus issues, she does what every responsible person does: set up a Tele-Med appointment. What does that doctor say? Pick up a Covid test and make sure you don't have it, but - and I quote "the Test doesn't really test for Covid". Yes, she really said that.
Wait, you want me to buy a test that has been removed from the market for its inaccuracy, an inaccuracy so large even the FDA pulled it from the market, and go by that test to check if I have the virus?
"What happens if it's negative?" asks my wife.
"Then we treat for everything, since Covid, the Flu, a Sinus Infection, Strep and some others all overlap." Hold up. Go back to where we were. Does this gal even hear what she's telling my wife?!
Can we employ some basic, essential, desperately needed, seemingly-uncommon sense?!
First, she's already had the original strain of Covid. She was inoculated. She's in the safest population group from getting covid, other than those people who haven't been injected with the poison jabs.
Besides fever, chills, feeling lethargic, feeling ill, and a runny nose, what are the distinguishing factors of each possibility?
Covid - loss of taste and or smell, though usually both. That's not loss of smell from a stuffy nose, but an actual loss of you can't smell or taste anything. Can you smell crap? Yes. You don't have Covid.
Flu - Body aches. Does you body feel like it boxed Mike Tyson in his prime or did a 2 hour full body workout for the first time in years? No? It's not the flu.
Sinus Infection - post nasal drip, chest congestion, sinus pressure, headache, disturbing amounts of greenish sludge; lots of Kleenex
Strep - sore, raw like it's been beaten with a meat tenderizer throat, difficulty swallowing, hurts like crazy when you cough
Random virus - fever, runny nose, cough and you feel like crap but don't test or meet those other symptoms; ie: you have a cold.
Allergies - an overlap of every possible symptom minus the fever
What are her symptoms? post nasal drip, chest congestion, sinus pressure
Do you need a doctorate to figure this out?
WHERE HAS COMMON SENSE GONE IN MOST GENERAL PRACTITIONERS? Follow the money.
#truth#common sense#big pharma#vaccine#covid#being sick sucks#dealing with doctors sucks worse than being sick#cold and flu season#sinus infection
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I got caught while coming out of the bathroom by my Mother in Law, and she asked how my Husband was doing. And honestly it's officially the most annoying conversation that I've had with her in a while despite being so incredibly brief.
My Mother in Law has apparently, somehow, miraculously, convinsed herself that my Husband's illness is because of the Covid booster we got ??? Even though that is literally impossible because not only had we both already completely recovered from the Vaccine by the time he got the Sinus cold, but the symptoms aren't even remotely the same (to the Vaccine, or to Covid- vaccinated or unvaccinated) ??? She has also convinced herself it's "a big deal" because it's made him dizzy and foggy, despite the fact these are relatively normal reactions to the sinus pressure that can come with a bad enough Head / Sinus Cold ???
We have told her numerous times that not only were his at home Covid tests negative, but that he had a normal, seasonal Sinus / Head Cold, and that he was taking meds for it and they were working just fine. He's also assured her multiple times that he's doing okay, and that I'm taking care of him just fine. But I swear this woman hears what she wants to hear and ignores whatever you tell her. It's absolutely ridiculous.
She did the same thing with my digestive issue for years; it literally took 2 entire years for us to to finally get her to stop offering me things like Pepto Bismal every time I vomited, because I wasn't vomiting because I was nauseous or had an upset stomach, etc ... But because my body was literally not digesting my food at all; my digestive system had literally stopped doing its job entirely, and I needed to get literally rotting food out of my body somehow.
I genuinely do not understand this woman.
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I’ve been hemming and hawing about talking about my healthcare journey publicly for a while. A friend (thanks Song) pointed out that it’d be good to have a log of things. From here I’ll be updating as things happen, but I thought it’d be a good idea to have a history of the issue written up for reference. I also thought I'd pop this stuff on my public account because who knows, it might be helpful to someone else.
Under a readmore because it turns out 5 years of mystery pain takes a lot of explaining. content warning for suicidal ideation.
In 2018, around mid-late february, my hands started to really hurt. They would swell in the heat which reduced mobility, and I coped mostly by holding cold cans or bottles to reduce the swelling and maintain movement. When it was still going on after a few weeks, I signed up with a GP. I recognised that this was going to be the start of something ongoing, and as I also needed treatment for depression and HRT, I wanted to get access to one regular doctor. I had previously been enrolled with the local student health clinic, where it was almost impossible to see the same doctor multiple times.
At the first meeting with my new GP I mentioned that my hands “didn’t work”. At that point, the swelling was still significant, and I was having trouble with things like vibration from video game controllers causing pain. The GP took this fairly seriously and referred me for Physiotherapy and Rheumatology, as well as ordering some blood tests. (quantative CRP [11 on this test. Normal range <5.], thyroid, iron, rheumatoid factors, glycated haemoglobin, ana master panel, complete blood count).
Twice during this period I went to emergency doctors for debilitating pain. Once was prescribed codiene, the next time the codine wasn’t working so I was moved to tramadol. At some point I also realised the pain in my feet matched that in my hands and pointed this out to doctors. I was prescribed amytriptileme for the pain and escitelopram for depression.
In march I got more blood tests, CRP at 12, still the only indication of pain visible in my bloods.
By december I had had an MRI, finished my honours dissertation, gotten a job, and my CRP levels were at 20. The MRI showed inflammation in my feet but no bone erosion (which most people were looking for). Physio and Rhuematology had both dismissed me (Physio said my issue was “not mechanical” and all rheumatoid signifiers were negative). I had also been given the mental health all-clear to begin a medical transition. I started testosterone in february of 2019.
Progress on investigation stalled almost completely at this point. Doctors were grasping at straws. Every now and then I’d bug them and they’d do more blood tests, but there was still nothing significant they could find. No diabetes, no celiac, no rheumatoid etc. In 2020 I didn’t bother investigating, but did start walking with a cane to assist the fatigue in my feet. Working from home was a blessing for me. I discovered this year that I could no longer cook without significant pain while chopping, stirring, or lifting objects. My walking range, which had been several kilometers previously, was down to about 1km. I discovered that the serious fatigue I was experiencing may have been caused by the Amytriptileme i was on for my pain, and I switched to Nortriptiline.
In 2021 my CRP was at 27, and I was referred back to rheumatology. More Xrays were done, and were normal. Work no longer let me work from home unless there was a “level 2 or higher” alert for covid. My nortriptiline was increased until I was taking 75mg a day.
Summer of 21/22 was bad. I got Serotonin Syndrome due to accidentally taking excess escitalopram for over a month, as well as burning out at work, started to have more active suicidal thoughts. In march 2022 I gave notice at my job and began planning to move back to my parents house.
In april 2022 I saw a rheumatologist at a clinic and he did some more tests. (CRP now 31). A chest xray was also ordered but came back normal. I was referred to physio again, this time for pain management more than anything. Rheumatologist told me that with weight loss, exercise, good pain management with medication AND clinical psychology I might be able to lower my pain to about 5 on an average day (from 7). He, and then later the physio, told me “some pain is normal”.
no longer working, I started resting agressively. Took my first adult nap in december ‘21, took regular naps through most of 2022. Asked my doctor if the nortriptiline could be causing the drowsyness, she agreed and I was dropped to 50mg. still frustrated with the lack of answers, in late 2022 my doctor looked at other symptoms i have, like dry flaky skin, some skin discolouration on my chest where my skin peels off regularly, and ordered a liver ultrasound. That revealed fatty liver syndrome, which due to liver function blood tests, my doctor considers irrelevant, though reinforced that i need to lose weight. At this point, I have lost around 12kg since moving in with my parents.
Right now (April 2023) I have been referred to a pain clinic, and am supposed to be doing an online seminar with them shortly. I still cannot cook for myself, and eating with cutlery hurts. I cannot write with a pen for very long without significant pain. Many days this week i have not been able to hold my cellphone without pain. Some days I go to sleep in the early evening to avoid being in pain - even after taking paracetamol and tramadol to alleviate it. Most things I do despite the pain. My last two tattoos were such a relief - a distraction from my everyday pain- that i fell asleep on the table. I still cannot walk more than about a kilometer and a half. Or well, 500m without pain but nothing is that close. Due to the fact I can’t drive I have no way to get around without my parents help or a taxi.
As someone who has always been fiercely independent, being reliant on my parents for everything - food, board, transport, even companionship - i have no local friends- is exhausting and extremely depressing. I am currently a patient at the local mental health crisis unit due to ongoing suicidal urges, because I simply cannot picture a future where I am anything but a burden, doing anything but experiencing ongoing pain. The psychiatrist there has given me some anti anxiety medication, but after the initial dose he put me on landed me in hospital with heart palpitations, he doesn’t think its’ safe to mess with my medication further. I’ve been referred for psychology, and right now that is the only real avenue of improvement on the horizon. If it helps.
I don’t have a lot of hope.
#health tag#thanks for reading if you did#long post#feels weird to post about this publicly#but here goes#i think it'll be good to be able to talk about it#i've been keeping it fairly close to the chest for a few years other than disclosing that i'm disabled
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I posted 727 times in 2022
3 posts created (0%)
724 posts reblogged (100%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@indelibleevidence
@take2intotheshower
@nachosncheeze
@scarletfern
@aliceinwhumperland
I tagged 618 of my posts in 2022
Only 15% of my posts had no tags
#blindspot - 371 posts
#jeller - 183 posts
#blindspot rewatch 2022 - 180 posts
#kurt weller - 148 posts
#sullivan stapleton - 139 posts
#jaimie alexander - 103 posts
#jane doe - 90 posts
#blindspot gifs - 67 posts
#blindspot re-watch 2022 - 51 posts
#whump - 49 posts
Longest Tag: 61 characters
#i've read fics better than some traditionally published books
My Top Posts in 2022:
#3
Blergh!
Having a cold is no fun🤧.
I’m fairly sure this isn’t Covid, since I’ve done two tests on different days and both were negative. No fever or cough either.
Just sneezing and sniffling continuously. NOT. FUN.
1 note - Posted November 1, 2022
#2
I finally submitted my Master’s thesis for examination (grading).
After working on my combined Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree in Social Sciences (major contemporary history and minor strategic studies) for 8 years, it’s finally done.
Earning a second degree while working full-time is hard😅.
15 notes - Posted May 13, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
Took me eight years: completing a Bachelor and Master’s of Social Sciences in Contemporary History while working full-time. But I did it😊. Got the Diploma today.
21 notes - Posted June 13, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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I posted 1,157 times in 2022
That's 1,074 more posts than 2021!
74 posts created (6%)
1,083 posts reblogged (94%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@softichill
@calagua
@reffiespace
@regardsandregrets
I tagged 1,151 of my posts in 2022
Only 1% of my posts had no tags
#reblog - 1,051 posts
#text post - 141 posts
#reblog game - 133 posts
#my stuff - 90 posts
#video - 70 posts
#important - 70 posts
#birds - 43 posts
#tw caps - 41 posts
#tw swearing - 39 posts
#gif - 37 posts
Longest Tag: 124 characters
#the disappointment is immeasurable when i check out an album and find only one song has the right sound to it from that band
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
That post I just reblogged reminded me of how much I hate the color salmon, especially when I try to sort items by color, specifically Silly Bands.
I collected Silly Bands as a kid (still have them by the way) and there was this one...just this one that was salmon. Pretty sure it’s a fire extinguisher, but I would end up putting it in the pink pile, then the orange pile, then the pink, then the orange, and I just couldn’t accept it in either pile so I left it all alone which also made me unhappy because it was the only one that didn’t have any color matches.
Salmon is too orange to be pink and too pink to be orange.
7 notes - Posted July 6, 2022
#4
Gonna talk about some serious stuff.
If you’re not up to hear about sickness or hospital or personal stuff, please don’t read under the cut because that’s what I’ll be talking about and I’ll be giving some details which will probably be tmi (to much information) but I wanna let those who want to know what’s up some detailed stuff about what’s been going on.
If you don’t want to read all that:
I haven’t been feeling good for about a week+ now. I have been trying to get a diagnosis. I got nothing so far.
For the past...a few days over a week now, I’ve been waking up feeling pretty bad. Rapid heartbeat, cold chills (usually), uneasy stomach, weakness, diarrhea, dehydration, it hasn’t been fun. It’s been hard for me to get into the right mood to eat something even when I’m hungry, and recently I’ve also been unable to tell when my bladder is full and also the past two days when I woke up my feet were halfway asleep. This has never happened before and it’s been worrying me.
I went to an Urgent Care three days ago. They took swabs for covid and flu. Both were negative. They took a urine test, and they found nothing. They want me to bring them a stool sample, which I hope will give them the answers that they need to help me feel better, but some issues came up where that day I barely ate anything, then next I was able to eat, and this morning I incorrectly got a sample because they originally gave me the wrong stuff (AKA not enough stuff) and no instructions.
Yesterday I went to the hospital’s emergency room to get some stuff done. They took blood samples, urine samples, and did a covid swab. All came back without any answers. I thought I may have been low on iron, but they said that my iron levels were fine, I was just dehydrated.
I have a doctor’s appointment in 7 days. I hope either Urgent Care figures out what’s going on or I feel better before that appointment. I can tell I’ve already lost weight and my energy levels have been pretty low. I don’t want to have to wait that long to possibly get an answer.
8 notes - Posted September 15, 2022
#3
Today is my birthday.
I know it’s 8pm and I could have posted this a lot earlier but I was distracted by getting and later eating cake.
9 notes - Posted August 28, 2022
#2
The fun thing about listening to radio static for hours on end is that you begin to hear things that aren’t really there.
Voices, music, patterns, indistinguishable tones. You catch small glimpses of these sounds, small scraps of something that never was.
You hear the ghosts of stations you’ve listened to, frequencies you’ve picked up in the past. But it’s just you and the sound of undead air.
10 notes - Posted August 7, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
Oh shoot it's National Throw Short People Day.
Have mercy on me!
(⊙_⊙;)
12 notes - Posted October 21, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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Published April 30, 2024
Background: The presence of severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 (SARS-CoV-2) in myocardial autopsy tissues has been observed in certain individuals with coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19). However, the duration of cardiac involvement remains uncertain among recovered COVID-19 patients. Our study aims to evaluate the long-term persistence of SARS-CoV-2 within cardiac tissue.
Methods: We prospectively and consecutively evaluated the patients undergoing mitral valve replacement (MVR) and left atrial (LA) volume reduction surgery from May 25 to June 10, 2023 at our center, who had been approximately 6 months of recovery after Omicron wave. Patients tested positive for SARS-CoV-2 upon admission were excluded. The surgical LA tissue was collected in RNA preservation solution and stored at −80 ℃ immediately. Then SARS-CoV-2, interleukin-6 (IL-6) and interleukin-1β (IL-1β) RNA expression in LA tissues were assessed through thrice-repeated reverse transcription-quantitative polymerase chain reaction (RT-qPCR) analyses. Categorical variables were assessed using the Chi-square or Fisher’s exact tests, and continuous variables was analyzed using the Mann-Whitney U test.
Results: Nine of 41 patients were enrolled, all of whom tested negative for SARS-CoV-2 upon admission (two antigen and PCR tests). In four of nine patients, SARS-CoV-2 RNA was detected in their LA tissue, indicating viral colonization. Among the four positive cases, the IL-6 and IL-1β relative expression levels in the LA tissue of one patient were increased approximately 55- and 110-fold, respectively, compared to those of SARS-CoV-2 (−) patients. Increased expression of IL-6 and IL-1β were observed in the myocardium of this patient. Another patient demonstrated a remarkable 7-fold increase in both IL-6 and IL-1β expression, surpassing that of SARS-CoV-2 (−) patients. Additionally, no other cardiac inflammation-related diseases or conditions were presented in these two patients. The IL-6 and IL-1β expression levels of the remaining two patients were not significantly different from those of SARS-CoV-2 (−) patients. The relative expression levels of IL-6 and IL-1β in cardiac tissues of all SARS-CoV-2 (−) patients were relatively low. Interestingly, despite abnormally elevated levels of IL-6 and IL-1β within their cardiac tissue, two patients did not show a significant increase in serum IL-6 and IL-1β levels when compared to other patients.
Conclusions: Our research suggests that certain COVID-19-recovered patients have persistent colonization of SARS-CoV-2 in their cardiac tissue, accompanied by a local increase in inflammatory factors.
#mask up#cardiovascular health#covid#covid 19#covid isn't over#pandemic#covid conscious#long covid#covid is airborne#wear a mask#coronavirus
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Tuesday
Covid Crisis
Heather had been feeling a bit ‘fluey’ for a couple of days and yesterday morning, she did a RAT test. Disaster! She was positive! All our plans are in jeopardy. Numerous emails back and forth with our fabulous travel agent, Bev Edwards, and our not-particularly-helpful insurer, NIB, resulted in us continuing on, but exploring what options we had if she was still positive when we needed to board the ship - we would not be allowed on!
Today, I also tested positive (surprise, surprise, locked together all day in a car, what else could we expect if I didn’t already have it). More disarray!
Our insurer said we had to get a formal certificate that we really had Covid before they would consider a claim so we headed a couple of doors up the road to a clinic where we were subjected to another pretty rough RAT, but at least we now have some proof - at a bit over $AU100 each.
Heather is still sniffly and coughing and has some muscle pain. I have very muffled hearing - makes It very difficult to communicate - and some mild muscle pain has developed during the day. We both have a vile taste in our mouths, but Heather’s is starting to abate. Despite this, we really aren’t too bad.
We simply don’t know what happens now. It is unlikely that we will be allowed to board, but there are a couple of landings along the expedition and we may be able to join the expedition somewhere along the route - if/when we both test negative.
We really don’t know when that might be and what we might do in the meantime, but we are pretty confident that we will be fine for the Greenland expedition even if the Iceland one falls over completely. Either way, it is likely that Covid is going to prove very costly. We think we probably caught it on the plane from Bergen.
We are feeling a little lost at present, not knowing what we will be doing over the next two weeks, but we will persevere. We feel almost dirty, like pariahs, avoiding even remote contact with other people, despite the fact that we have done everything in our power to avoid the plague. We took every precaution, we have had four vaccinations, we wear masks, we avoid contact with others wherever possible. Nothing was our fault, but it feels that way anyway.
(Wednesday morning update!) Neither of us are any worse this morning (although Heather’s horrible taste is back again) so hopefully, we will recover quickly. We are taking some heavy antiviral tablets our fabulous GP (Justin) gave us before we left – just in case we caught the virus. They are supposed to relieve the symptoms and avoid the more serious consequences of the virus and they seem to be working pretty well at present.
We have been advised that we can’t join the expedition part-way through so we either test negative by the morning of 2 August or we will miss the expedition – but should be good for the next one to Greenland. And NIB’s travel insurance is very limited. (Even then, we can expect them to deny and dispute anything we claim - but that is the way with all insurers. They grab your money and weave enough weasel words into the contract to ensure they don’t have to pay out. Not that I am a cynic! It is more that I have experienced this a few times before.)
Tuesday
Today was mostly just driving. We went to the Holmavik clinic at 9am and were out of there with our pieces of paper, but short $200-odd, by about 9.45. It was then basically a 432-kilometre drive to our digs for tonight and tomorrow night - the Laxa Hotel in the middle of nowhere but overlooking a lake that is renowned for its bird species, particularly ducks. We have seen thousands of ducks along the way, but always a long way away. The only two we have really identified here are the Eiders and the Mallards. I am sure we have seen numerous others, but it is quite impossible to stop for a closer look or a photo when we see birds because the roads don’t allow for it. The roads are 2.2 metres wide (max) if sealed, with maybe 300 mm verges when you are lucky - one lane either way. When you have a bus or big truck approaching, there is not a lot of room to move over, particularly onto the fatal verge - and if you do, there is that 3- (or 100-) metre drop from whence the road has been elevated. Or maybe straight into a solid rock cliff. A tad hairy on occasions, but 1200 clicks down the road and we are still alive. Max speed limit is 90, average practical speed closer to 70, and you have a headache after a couple of hours simply from concentrating on the 50 metres ahead. My eyes sting and start to blur as the day wears on simply from concentrating on the road immediately in front of us. I do sneak the occasional peek at the splendour around us, but it has to be a very quick peek if there are other vehicles around.
All of this limits your opportunities to take photos. It is often 20 kilometres or more between places you can actually get off the road safely. Oops, the birds I wanted to photograph are now 18 clicks behind me.
Despite this, the views are truly spectacular. On the one hand is the majesty of the mountains, the snow, the waterfalls, the raging rivers, the cliffs and the scree, the pasture and the lava, all simply magnificent, almost breath-taking. On the other hand is the quaint, the novel, the unexpected, the twee even – sweet little farms hidden in crevasses in the valleys, painted in brilliant eye-catching colour, with farm buildings huddled close, maybe an antique tractor or two and sheep dotting the surrounding ground, often barely visible in the sheep-high grass. The sheep are never sheep-coloured as we see them in Australia. They are much paler and range from pale cream through the entire spectrum of browns to solid jet black.
The skies have been mainly grey, but not threatening. We have had numerous showers, all light and gone within ten minutes, and it is a delight to see a patch of snow or a farmhouse or a freshly-mown paddock highlighted occasionally by bright sunshine. Mowing is obviously an important source of stockfeed or income from the sale of fodder because we have seen tens of thousands (at least) of plastic-sealed sheep lunch-boxes in white, black or yellow – I wonder if the colour of the plastic denotes anything, maybe the type of grass or moisture content? More likely the owner’s aesthetic sensibilities or the price per tonne of plastic covers.
We stop quite often when the occasional pull-off allows and we visited Godafoss just off the road toward the end of our long and tiring drive. It is a spectacular waterfall, huge and very loud. Foss means waterfall and you can probably guess what God means. It is said that in the year 1000, the king had to decide if Iceland was to become a Christian country and when he made his decision, he gathered up all his idols and related paraphernalia and threw them into the waterfall – hence Godafoss. Strange, we heard the same story at a different waterfall when we were here 3 years ago.
Sadly, despite careful scrutiny, we have not seen any trolls yet. I have looked under several bridges to no avail and we keep our eyes peeled just in case some try to slink across the road in front of us. Some people here really believe in them and we have heard that most people are unwilling/afraid to misbelieve in them. If a road is being built through an area or past a tree where trolls are suspected of living, the road is diverted to avoid the risk of invoking their wrath. There are lots of similar examples – but until we see one………!
We ate in the hotel restaurant that night. We felt we deserved it after such a long and sometimes stressful drive. We both ordered fish, ling and cod, but the highlight of the meal was probably the bread. It was a nice crusty bread, but was endowed with a light sprinkling of salt on top. Nothing comes with salt here apart from the brekky bacon (when it is on the menu) and we were really hanging out for something more savoury – and the bread hit the spot. Nearly everything has a slight sweetness about it and we are not much into sweet things. At breakfast next day, Heather tried some beetroot juice with fresh ginger and loved it but I missed out on that one.
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I just caught Covid for the second time this summer because we went on a trip with my girlfriend’s family and we knew her mom had Covid the weekend before so we said as long as her symptoms were gone or she tested negative then we’d go. She tells us 2 days before trip that her symptoms are gone and says the same thing morning of. We get there and she does seem mostly fine for the first hour or 2 but then starts coughing more and more frequently… they were both like “you know she’s has allergies that’s all these coughs are” at that point we knew we were exposed so just went with it for the day and took off early the next day and now here we are and I’m so pissed at them but know they’ll never admit we got it from her 🙄
ahdlaldk this is exactly why i truly have no trust in other people not to do the right thing yk?? 😭 like ik it’s basically allergy season and at least here the pollen has been insanely high, but i would like to think people ((who know they don’t have covid)) who have the symptoms would do one of the self tests yk ahdkaj or if not then just kinda stay in for that day and see how it pans out but no 🫠😭 only some people do or would do that ajflaj
BUT NONNIE i am so sorry to hear you have covid again 🥺 i hope that you’re able to get some good rest and that your symptoms aren’t too bad and it passes quickly!! and im sorry you caught it how you did bc the trust was there and it was ruined :// i hope aside from that you had a good and fun vacation w your girlfriend and her fam 🥰💙
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HOW THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC RUINED ME
The global malaise of the Covid-19 virus had a huge impact on the students’ mental, physical and also social health. When you look back 2 years you see a different yourself that has undergone many changes, both positive and negative. Hi I am currently a 15-year-old messed up teenage girl who is trying. So, here’s me writing how the global pandemic ruined those crucial years of development and growth. (I was 12 when this started)
As you grow up your challenges and responsibilities increase and so one must step out of that comfort zone to have a better approach towards them but the pandemic in some subtle ways refrained us to do so. I remember walking out of the school premises on the last academic day of grade 8 all set and excited for summer holidays but little did I know what’s going to struck on us. Back then if you told me I wouldn’t be going to school for 2 years I would have considered you a drop-dead idiot but now it is all real.
Back in grade 8th I was academically excellent, I used to get great grades on all my tests and exams basically I was the ideal student. I was both mentally and physically actively involved in everything and use to participate in every competition which tells I was not afraid of public speaking and did not have social anxiety. Well, the tables have completely turned in these 2 years. How? Let’s start.
Firstly, the online mode of education really messed my academics. There were two types of students, one that actually took the online classes seriously and genuinely attended them and at least gained some knowledge and ethically continued with their studies. Then there’s the type two or me, initially I was invested in this new way of education, that period lasted for around 1 month to be precise but then gradually I got distracted, I lost my focus, I lost my will and I lost it, Here goes the story downhill.
I did log into classes but then minimised the skin and continued scrolling through reels or playing the trending game of those times, among us. This was the start, eventually I stopped self-studying and doing any productive things I used to do. I stopped dancing, painting, cooking, writing and every other good stuff I used to so back then. Then I saw my peers doing great in academics and participating in several debates, basically building themselves. I started comparing them to myself, I envied how well they were leading their lives. This just gave the kick start to my inferiority complex which just increased gradually.
They used to complete all their assignments and I was just sitting there under the pile of unfinished projects still doing nothing. I saw them actively participating in the classes, talking to the teachers and expressing themselves whereas I remember teachers calling my name repeatedly trying to get me to respond but I was (am) so scared to talk I was scared of them, how tall they stood whereas I just cocooned myself in my comfort zone. That ruined my great student reputation in front of all my teachers and peers. This was not all.
Then came the quarantine period I got diagnosed with corona virus which further gave a hit. I lost all the connections with my friends was all alone and lonely for that 1 month. Further I also cut the left out strings and completely abandoned myself from everything. This was when i gradually fell into the never ending deep dark hole of depression. I was so lost in it I hurt myself physically and mentally to this extent that I considered committing a suicide which thankfully failed. That was the wakeup call. I asked my parents for the help and with their and miss honey's (CBT therapist) support I crawled out of it after almost 8 months of suffering. My therapy continued because I was now deeply negatively tied to my thoughts.
I was now socially anxious, restless all the time, still mentally unhealthy, scared of public interactions, awkward and weird, and weak. I used to have nightmares and panic attacks (I still have them sometimes)
I left school campus as a 8th grader and tomorrow was the day I re-enter as a 10th grader. It was horrible, I was scared of people, my own friends, I messed up every conversation and every single time somehow managed to embarrass myself in front of people because of my serious social anxiety. People were judging me and I considered myself so inferior and lower to them. My grades degraded from A+ to C and I was completely embarrassed.
But now I am better and so will everyone be. Keep trying thus shall not break us apart. We fall but stand back stronger and taller than everyone
love,
some messed up teenager
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Law & Order Special Victims Unit Season 23 Ep. 20 "Did You Believe in Miracles?"
When a student's school reports a girl missing, the squad must track down a trusted family friend for answers. Benson receives a Mother's Day surprise from Noah and introduces him to Stabler for the first time.
This episode marks the beginning of a crossover event that concludes on Law & Order: Organized Crime Season 2 episode 20.
If you want to watch the series for yourself, stop reading! This post contains spoilers to the storyline
Noah shows Benson an old video of him dancing. Then he takes away the iPad and tells her it's a surprise for Mother's Day.
Meanwhile, a child tells a therapist that his sister went away on Sunday with a guy named Luke, and he doesn't think she's coming back. The child's parents deny the whole thing when contacted by SVU. However, they later tell Rollins and Fin that Luke and Beth are on a missionary trip. They lied because they didn't want her to be judged for skipping school for a church project. The parents haven't heard from their daughter because she is not allowed to have a cell phone. The police need to verify this information since the school filed a police report. The parents have a contact at the mission, but the person is not answering their phone and has a full voicemail box.
The police visit the mission and discover that Beth and Luke did not show up. The person at the mission thought they didn't show up due to Covid.
Beth's mother is worried. Fin informs them that Luke had a burner. The mother is concerned that Luke may be in danger. Benson inquires about Beth's possession of a laptop or iPad. Mr. Lee trusted Luke, who also gave Beth guitar lessons. Mr. Lee feels remorseful for not paying enough attention to Beth. Benson sends Rollins a video of Luke giving Beth guitar lessons. It is clear that he was making advances towards her.
After interviewing other members of the church, the police discover that Luke is actually Nick, a young man from a wealthy family in Rhode Island. The police suspect that he has kidnapped Beth. Luke managed to infiltrate the church by manipulating the members, as he had a predilection for young girls. Mrs. Lee tells Benson that she and Luke are in love and that he was targeting her, not Beth.
The police speak to a woman who allowed Nick to purchase a car for her, so her daughter wouldn't have to take the bus. She claims that Nick ended their relationship when he realised he couldn't spend the summer with her 12-year-old daughter. She also alleges that Nick spent an excessive amount of time with her child and influenced her to prevent her mother from speaking negatively about him. Additionally, she informs them about a remote cabin that Nick owns. Mr. Lee is attempting to forgive his wife. Benson states that Beth will need both of them when she is rescued. He has been grooming Beth for over two years, and there are several ways a teenage girl could react.
The police raid the cabin and find Beth and Luke inside. Beth clings to Luke and says she is home as Luke / Nick is arrested and claims this is the work of the Devil. The girl says this is God's will.
Beth was diagnosed with dehydration at the hospital. Despite her parents' wishes, she refused to take a pregnancy or rape test. Claire believes that Nick is innocent, and Benson explains that they cannot force Beth to take any tests. Claire insists that Nick is not capable of harming Beth and suggests that the incident may not have been a kidnapping.
Nick claims he had a spiritual vision and would never harm Beth. He and Beth were planting the seeds of a new church. According to Nick, the vision took place at the cabin. Nick's lawyer asserts his client's annocence.
Beth wishes to meet Luke. She wants to go home because she can't and claims that Rollins is trying to indoctrinate her. Benson agrees with her and gets Rollins to leave. Benson acknowledges that 14-year-olds can be mature. The Bible even has examples of strong women who were 12 or 14. Beth insists that she and Luke were "pure" and that he is nothing like her father. She says they love each other. Benson asks her to help her understand why she can't tell him about their marriage. Beth responds that this is God's plan and that Jesus said he will come again, and that day has come.
Carisi believes the case is weak, but he will attempt to keep Nick in jail until the trial. Carisi is against bail. Nick's lawyer argues that Nick is the victim and that the Lees were mistreating him and Beth.
Clair asked the judge if he believed it, as he granted bail. She wants her lawyer to retract it. Carisi requested Rollins to take Claire to get some water while he talks to Mr. Lee. Mr. Lee said he felt ashamed.
Claire told Rollins she couldn't believe it. Things changed between her and Paul after Elijah was born. She confided in Nick about missing the intimacy she shared with Paul. She insists that her husband is not gay and she has to leave to pick up her kids.
Paul admits that they drank on Nick's birthday and things got out of hand. After hugging, Nick unzipped Paul's pants and touched his leg. Paul allowed it to happen to avoid embarrasing Nick and him. Although Nick claimed he wasn't gay, he felt a strong connection with Paul, and they both agreed to keep it a secret as they believed it was a sin. They even prayed about it. Paul confesses that it happened multiple times. The question remains: does Claire need to know? Carisi warns that she will eventually find out.
During a meeting with Carisi, Nick's lawyer threatened to reveal everything about the Lees. Nick demanded that the charges be dropped and that he be allowed to marry Beth.
Carisi expressed uncertainty about his ability to make a case. Unfortunately, Beth is unwilling to testify. Claire called to report that Beth has gone missing again. She left to use the bathroom during dinner and never returned. The waitress reported that the girl spent a long time in the bathroom and emerged looking pretty, mentioning that she was meeting someone. Beth then revealed that she was pregnant with a child from God.
Benson and Rollins deduced that Beth was secretly getting married. The police suspected that the weeding might be taking place at the Brooklyn Bridge, so they hurried over and apprehended Nick. Beth's mother has become aware of Nick's actions. Her father wants Nick out of Beth's life.
Claire meets Beth and admits she was wrong, but has a solution. If Beth is pregnant and has parental consent, she can get married in Maryland, and they will give permission. The State requires proof of pregnancy and paternity. Beth embraces her.
The DNA evidence proves rape. The Lees must tell her the truth tonight. They plan to raise the baby, work on their marriage, and hope for Beth's forgiveness.
Noah has a gift for Benson. The photos are a collage of them. Benson hugs him.
Later, they run into Stabler while walking down the street. Benson intends to have ice cream with Noah, but she receives a call and tells Elliot she will be in touch soon.
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