#definitely made the dysphoria worse initially but the final look was so much like how i always wanted to dress | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

flooffybits · 3 years

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Nothing Wrong

Idol: Son Hyejoo (Loona)

marshmallow: hey! i was wondering if you could write something about closeted non binary reader feeling more dysphoric than usual with hyejoo? hyejoo had noticed how depressed they've looked and how they've constantly stayed in their room for the past week so she's beyond confused. the reader decides it's unfair for both of them to keep her in the dark, even though being out of the binary gender is taboo in korea, so they tell her. angst with a fluffy ending but only if you're comfy with writing it:) tysm!!

Warning: feeling of dysphoria, mentions of nbphobia

A/n: to all my non-binary and trans readers/followers or anyone in that matter, please know that you are very much valid and appreciated. you are loved and i hope that you continue to have strength in all the hardships that you go through

☕buy me a coffee☕

Her eyes follow you when you groggily walk back to your room after grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, her brows pinched together in worry when she notices the dark bags under your eyes and how your steps seemed heavy with every one you took back to the safety of your room.

Her lips turn into a frown as she lowers the controller, setting it beside her before she stood up, carefully padding to your room, but she stops right outside, peeking in to see your curled up figure on the bed.

Hesitantly, she raps her knuckles against the open door, just to seek your permission in case you didn’t want her bothering you. But you did leave the door open for her in case she needed anything.

“Y/n?” Watching as you roll over to face her, your girlfriend’s worries grow when she sees how exhausted you are, eyes weary and looking so defeated that she doesn’t know what to do.

“What is it?”

Even the sound of your voice was worrisome. While she was used to you being the more talkative one between you, she’s never heard you sounding quite this weak, it reminded her of when your pet had died and you were nothing but a mess for at least three days.

But it’s been a week and you seemed much worse compared to then.

Hyejoo purses her lips before she looked around, not wanting to seem too annoying before asking. “Can I come in?” She asks and you blink at her, and for a moment the weariness leaves your face as you pat the space next to you, arms opening up for her and she feels relieved to know that she’s not the root of your current state.

She joins you in bed, her arms quickly finding your waist and nuzzling her head into your hair, sighing at the familiar scent of your shampoo. You both just lay there for a few minutes while she tries to come up of something to say whilst you were pulled back into your thoughts.

“... Do you want to talk about it?”

You were a bit surprised as she initiated the conversation, but looking at Hyejoo’s worried expression made you remember that she didn’t really know what it was that you were going through or what it was you were feeling.

While you did trust her a lot, you weren’t too confident on how she would be reacting to you telling her that you were non-binary. And that was one of the reasons you’ve been feeling so down lately.

She was understanding. That much was clear, and she most definitely cared for you, if coming in to check up on you instead of playing her games like usual wasn’t enough proof of it.

Somehow, just somewhere in your head, there was a shroud of doubt that was slowly but gradually making itself known and you weren’t sure how to properly tackle it.

Testing the waters, you wanted to first come to your family about it, but that was most likely what led to the present and suddenly, your thoughts ran and ran, making you forget about your girlfriend until she gently placed a warm hand against your cheek, her thumb brushing under your eye as a tear unknowingly slipped down your cheek.

“I want to help you... but I need you to let me before I can do that.” She whispered, brows knitting together in worry as she held you closer and you were able to snap out of your inner turmoil before finally looking up at her again, lower lip trembling before you sucked in a deep breath.

She offers a comforting smile, kissing your forehead as her fingers carded through your hair. “Take your own pace, it’s okay.” Her voice is soft, gentle, and you could feel yourself calming slightly before you finally nodded your head.

She didn’t know. And you really shouldn’t let what your parents told you assume that she would say the same.

It was only fair.

“I visited my parents last week.” You mutter and she listens attentively, humming to let you know that she was paying attention to every word. “I’ve been meaning to tell them and you about it but I...” Your heart stutters and you lick your lips before clenching your fists.

“I asked them what they would feel if I ever told them that I was n-non-binary...” You hold your breath as the words come out, expecting her to react, but she doesn’t, allowing you to finish your story and you’re a little relieved by that.

But as you recall your parents’ reactions, that relief is gone in a flash and your chest feels heavy as you choke out the memory. “T-They told me to stop talking nonsense. They said that there were only two genders and nothing else, s-so I didn’t...” Hyejoo didn’t need you to say the whole thing, squeezing you in an attempt to calm you down as you tried to suppress a sob.

The encounter had only left you with a bitter taste in your mouth, pretending that you were someone that you weren’t and you just couldn’t help but feel like you could ever really be yourself no matter how much you wanted to.

Since that day, you couldn’t look at yourself in the mirror without feeling like the person you were seeing was a completely different person that only wore your face.

“I couldn’t tell them that I am non-binary, and I hate it so much because I told myself that I would stop lying about who I am, especially to the people I care about.”

She could understand now, why you’ve been shutting yourself out, hiding from the world and just overall looking as though your soul had left your body and left it to act on autopilot.

Your family mattered so much to you and she knew how much you cared about them. So to have your parents talk so carelessly about who you were, she knows just how much it was affecting you.

But it was only to an extent because she didn’t know what exactly it was you were going through.

Instead, she keeps you against herself, kissing your head and rubbing your back to soothe you, letting you cry all the sadness out of you because she knows that you’ve been holding all of this in since it started.

She had to take a moment to collect her thoughts, trying to think of which she wanted to address first, but eventually, her lips part and you hear her quiet voice as she tries her best to understand what you were feeling.

“I’m always going to love you, Y/n.” While you had expected her to say something else, those simple words seemed to have calmed you enough to reduce your sobs into quiet sniffles as she continues. “What your parents said, I can see how much it hurts you, and I wish that they were a bit more open-minded and sensitive about it, but please know that whether or not they accept you, I’m always going to be here for you.”

She presses her hand gently against the small of your back, tracing random patterns to help calm you down as you listen to her speak. “It doesn’t make you any less human. And I hate how you’ve been hurting so much like this - doubting yourself, questioning yourself when you don’t even have to.”

She purses her lips before letting out a gentle sigh. “You’re fine just the way you are. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing you have to change because you’re just you. You’re only discovering parts of you that you didn’t know that you had in the first place, that doesn’t make you different from me, your parents, or anyone else out there. You’re you and no one can ever change you or even tell you do to so.”

While she didn’t understand what it was like to have her parents reject her the way yours did, she decided to focus on what positivity she can give rather than focus on what caused you to be like this.

Of course, it would take a while to recover from your parents’ hurtful words, but she’s there to remind you that you were loved and accepted no matter what.

“You sure took your time. I’ve been waiting for hours!” You lightly roll your eyes at your girlfriend’s exaggeration before lowering the hood of your jacket and patting the snow off your shoulders. “Well, excuse me for having a upcoming test.” You retort, making the other huff as she grabbed your hand.

“Oh, shut up. Let’s just go.”

You allow the taller girl to drag you inside her family’s café and smile when you see her parents already going around and tending to the few patrons that were present in the establishment.

Though as soon as they see you, their expressions light up more, quickly finishing what they were doing and thanking their customers before coming to welcome you and their daughter.

“Y/n! It’s been a while since you’ve visited. Hyejoo’s been saying that you were missing the shop.” Hyejoo’s mother said whilst giving the two of you a tight hug and your girlfriend groans, hiding her face in embarrassment while her father chuckled and patted your back. “I’m pretty sure you’ve been busy. Aside from taking care of our daughter, you have a busy schedule, right?” You nod your head before grinning teasingly at the girl next to you.

Her eyes narrow as she points an accusing finger at you. “Don’t even say it.” That prompted you to laugh before you shook your head and face her parents. “I’ve been busy with school, but I’m fine. Hyejoo likes to keep my consoles company while I study.” You say with a giggle and said girl smacked your shoulder, releasing your hand before she marched to the usual table the both of you occupied when her parents laughed.

“Well, why don’t you spend the day with her instead of letting games preoccupy her?” Hyejoo’s mother suggested and you nod your head. “We’ll bring you your usual, so enjoy your date.” Her father gave you another pat before they let you go and comfort your sulking girlfriend.

When you reach the table, you can’t help but smile at the adorable look on her face before taking the seat in front of her. “So, do you come here often?” You ask playfully and she raises a brow at you before playing along. “My family owns this shop.” She deadpans and you roll your eyes before leaning against the table with your elbows on the table.

“You’re no fun.”

“And you’re annoying.”

“Hey, what I said was true.”

“I spend more time with you than I do with my games.”

You can’t help but laugh as she finally admits the reason for her sulking before you reach over and place your hands on her cheek, squeezing them fondly before you withdrew, avoiding your girlfriend’s hand when she tried swatting you away.

“Okay, you do keep me company and the only reason you play is when I’m too busy to talk to you.” You relent and she pouts before you lean over to peck her cheek. “I’m sorry, my Hyejoo, please stop pouting.”

She cringes at your words, but it doesn’t stop the blush from rising to her cheeks as she turns her head away with a huff that it makes her look even more adorable than she usually was.

But she’s looking at you soon after, her expression becoming a little more serious as she reached over. “I know that you’re not exactly... comfortable to tell people, but if you want to tell them...” She glances to her parents, watching as her mother happily prepared your meals, and your eyes follow, shoulders dropping slightly.

You flip your hand over just so your gripping hers, smiling gently as you let your thumb run over the side of her hand. Of course, she didn’t tell her parents. That was your right whether you wanted to do so, so you appreciated how she was patient enough to respect your privacy.

“I...” Remembering your parents still stung, but then the memories with your girlfriend was enough to keep you at ease. “Maybe another time?”

She nods her head in understanding, raising your hand to press a kiss at your fingertips before smiling. “Of course. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here waiting.”

And you could say that you counted yourself lucky to have someone who was as patient and understanding as Hyejoo.

#girl group #girl group scenarios #girl group imagines #loona #loona scenarios #loona imagines #loona hyejoo #hyejoo loona #loona olivia hye #olivia hye loona #son hyejoo #hyejoo #olivia hye #olivia hye scenario #olivia hye imagines

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saint-nevermore · 3 years

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I think I decided on Nev's bullshit, finally. so: AFAB, was always the tall one. 6ft at 16. Just how it was. has an underbite and that's just natural too. would have probably been very easy to correct growing up but never was because his mom is dangerously frugle with money. did have dark brown eyes, darker than his mom's - when he got his boon it did a ton of weird shit and made them a gold so bright they look like they glow because powerful divine magic is literally just like that (maybe strong divine boons have a habit of affecting eye colour? it's for the sex factor) prior to boon he did have back/leg problems associated with his height but afterwards he didn't, at least until he got a lot older. speaking of; boon fucked with growth a little, gracing him with an extra foot of height and stopping when he was 25.

mom moved out when he was 21, he finally got a hold of a minor medical boon he was saving up for which is pretty much Spell Of Automatic Testosterone. his mane stays long, so he usually trimmed it before he left Khusta/home town. when traveling got too lazy to keep plucking his facial feathers when the pins opened or to trim his mane, and it just stuck like that. originally I had it so he was taking T as shots and had a boon to make sure he wouldn't suffer if he stopped taking the shots, but it wasn't as good as the real thing and resulted in his mane growing out when he started traveling, but I'd rather have that option of exploring more harpy mane styles re:trimming it. he was probably planning on some variation of top surgery but could not afford it, and by the time he could consider the payment plan he had had his T shot for a good half a decade and the dysphoria was negligible to the point he would rather spend that money on things like new furniture and food, so he kept his chest.

I'm also considering that being revived a few times ended up resulting in general body pain, because the process is so bullshit. wary to call it chronic pain because I'll have to do some reading before I decide on anything but it only makes sense to me that dying and then having your cells be brought back to life one by one by powerful magic would definitely leave some mark after the fact. initial revivals are extremely painful, but I think just in general he feels anywhere from mildly achey and sore to Everything On Fire syndrome. he also doesn't sleep well, I used to write him with cartoonish nightmares but I think he just has a hard time sleeping. also he had two scratches go over his left eye so I think his vision in that eye is worse than that on the right, has a hard time focusing on objects especially up close.

#also his meat huge Lmaoooo #nevermore #raven.txt

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elyvorg · 4 years

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Still a Hero - author’s commentary (part ADHD)

Yep, it’s that fic of mine again, the one I still haven’t stopped thinking about even though I published it like half a year ago now. I’m finally getting around to doing a little bit more author’s commentary on it that I didn’t do back then, because these bits involve the idea that Kaito has ADHD, and at the time I hadn’t yet made my post explaining all the reasons why I’m sure of that and all the symptoms of ADHD that Kaito is definitely affected by. For the purposes of this post here, I’m going to assume you’ve read that. Heck, even if you’re not interested in my fic, if you enjoy my analyses of Kaito, please go read that post if you haven’t already! It’d mean a lot to me.

My headcanon of ADHD-Kaito in DRV3 itself may or may not have been something the writers actually meant to drop a million hints towards and therefore may or may not be the official canon “truth” about him. But, since I’m the writer of Kaito in this particular fic, and I did have it consciously in mind that he’s ADHD while writing it, Kaito being (unknowingly) ADHD is officially canon in the Still a Hero universe, because I say so.

(And yeah, I doubt anyone even noticed this. Imagining that he’s ADHD doesn’t change anything about who Kaito is; it only adds an extra interesting layer to why he is this way. All I did was use that to help inform the ways I wrote him reacting to some of the things he went through in the fic.)

Chapter 2 – emotional dysregulation

The second and significantly worse half of Kaito’s self-torturing session, once he snaps and gets uncontrollably, painfully angry, was something I deliberately wrote as being some very nasty emotional dysregulation.

For the first half of this ordeal, when he’s thinking about breaking out on behalf of the kids to prove it’s possible after all, Kaito’s still basically in control of himself. He’s being stubborn and short-sighted and self-destructive and definitely making the wrong choice, but it’s still him making a choice and consciously deciding of his own volition that this is a good idea, that this pain will be worth the end result that he can totally reach.

This stops being the case after long enough, though – and it’s no coincidence that it happens right when it begins to sink in for Kaito on a deep, visceral level just how horribly helpless he is.

At that point, Kaito pretty much just snaps and loses control entirely, getting overwhelmed by a disproportionately-amplified rage that’s really just a defence mechanism for those other feelings that he simply can’t cope with. He drops any sense of the vaguely-rational mindset he had at the beginning that this is going to take a while and only gradually chip away at the frame’s integrity each time, and devolves into a completely irrational THIS NEXT SINGLE HIT WILL DEFINITELY BREAK IT. Which, of course, is incredibly counterproductive in that it only serves to make him feel even more weak and helpless furious when it repeatedly doesn’t.

Thankfully I don’t get the fly-into-a-rage kind of ADHD emotional dysregulation that often – but this also means that I can look at the very specific edge cases that do happen to trigger it for me and figure out that the root cause is almost certainly a completely immovable sense of helplessness. I’m not saying this is necessarily the case for every ADHDer who suffers from anger issues, but man does that make for some delightfully convenient personal experience for me to have drawn on when writing this particular scene.

I can also confirm from this experience that what sucks way more than the actual initial problem that the anger is triggered by (which doesn’t even have to be that big of a deal! ADHD loves to amplify stupid tiny things!) is the anger itself once it takes hold, how completely all-encompassing and uncontrollable it is. Nobody should ever want to feel that way. It’s different when you have a cause to be righteously angry about, like Kaito did at the beginning of this scene, but what I’m talking about doesn’t feel anything like that – it just feels ugly and painful and wrong.

Mind you, when this anger first takes control of him, Kaito does also choose to indulge in it rather than fight it, because he’s still stubbornly insisting to himself that any kind of pain is better than giving up. (Meanwhile, in other situations where Kaito’s gripped by this kind of too-strong anger, such as when he might end up hurting someone he cares about (oh hi trial 4), he’d probably be trying to fight it to some extent… but even when he does that, it doesn’t seem like it’s very successful.)

But even then, there’s some small, smothered, barely-acknowledged part of Kaito that really doesn’t want this at all. That part of him begins to feel more trapped by his own anger than by the contraption itself, hating the way he refuses to let up on hurting himself both physically and emotionally and really wishing he could control himself and just stop.

The problem is that the only real way to try and quell this kind of anger is to confront the true (and equally-amplified) painful emotions that the anger is just a cover for. Which in this case would, in theory, result in Kaito breaking down in a huge crying fit over how utterly trapped and helpless he feels. Yeah, no way he's doing that at this point in his arc, so furious self-destruction it is!

Chapter 4 – uncontrollable thoughts

Multiple times throughout the fic, but especially in chapter 4 when he’s attempting to sleep, Kaito tries to just think about nothing at all. He never truly manages it, because ADHD minds cannot ever think about nothing.

(…You know, even as I say that, there’s still a part of my brain going “but isn’t it actually because it’s not possible for anyone to think about nothing?”, despite that I’ve heard that actually that’s a perfectly reasonable thing for neurotypical people to be able to do. Sounds fake, but okay. My brain has never shut up even once in my life.)

The other problem here is the ADHD inability to properly control what we’re focusing on and thinking about. I’ve found that this gets even worse when I’m tired, dulling what little control I ever had in the first place. Instead of thinking about nothing, I just end up thinking about whatever random crap happens to be in the path of least resistance for my train of thought. This can be… not great when it comes to avoiding bad thoughts that it’s easy to spiral into focusing on when left unchecked.

I had this idea in mind a lot for this chapter as Kaito attempts to sleep. Usually, he’d be firmly trying to think about anything but what’s happening to him right now and how he’s feeling about it. When he’s this horribly exhausted, though, he has so much less control over that. So he keeps getting unwillingly bombarded by thoughts about the most immediate physical sensations he’s feeling – hungry, thirsty, hurting – and how much he wishes they’d just go away, even though that’s the last thing he wants to think about.

The whole “someone who thinks he’s strong” thing was meant to be this kind of idea, too. When Takehira says that to him at the beginning, it lodges somewhere deep in Kaito’s mind, because he subconsciously already feels like it’s the truth about him and is terrified of what it’d mean if it was. So naturally, on the surface, he stubbornly files it away as Not Worth Wasting Time Thinking About. But then it keeps popping into his head anyway, usually in moments where his mental defences are weakened, because an ADHD brain does not care what its owner doesn’t want to be thinking about and will nudge their train of thought down those paths whether they like it or not.

(Okay, so maybe all of this isn’t quite so specifically being caused by Kaito having ADHD. Probably anyone who’d been through what Kaito had would have lost a lot of their ability to control what they’re focusing on and thinking about by this point. …Unless the neurotypical equivalent here really would be to just naturally stop thinking about anything out of exhaustion, despite not being able to actually sleep? I wouldn’t know. But my point is that I had ADHD-related ideas in my mind to help me write this, either way.)

Chapter 6 – rejection sensitivity dysphoria

Kaito’s huge sobbing fit over believing he’s failing Shuichi and Maki was something I had very consciously in mind as the absolute worst kind of RSD-fuelled breakdown imaginable.

It might have seemed a bit excessive of me to have Kaito’s emotional pain completely eclipse the actual physical torture for so long – and he was sobbing uncontrollably for something like half an hour, maybe more, before it wore itself out – but, no, can confirm, RSD really is just that fucking awful. Imagine the already-very-legitimate pain of being convinced that his best friends are going to die because of him, but disproportionately multiplied by like a thousand. Next to that, the excruciating torture-poison is nothing.

(Well, maybe this would have made sense anyway, because the fact that the thought of getting his friends killed hurts even more than the torture is precisely why Kaito was obviously never going to break! But that wasn’t actually the main thing on my mind when I wrote it that way; I just realised that it fit that after the fact.)

I also drew off my own experiences of some of my worst RSD episodes (which were still not nearly as bad as what Kaito went through here, and which thankfully I haven’t had that many of) to help me write Kaito’s physical reactions to this kind of emotional agony. I hope I did a good job of getting across what it physically feels like to be crying that horrendously, uncontrollably hard – not just quiet sobbing, but straight-up loud, ugly, inconsolable bawling. In a way, writing it felt almost like yet another kind of torture I was putting him through.

#danganronpa v3 #kaito momota #kaito whump #torture #adhd headcanons #personal?#ramble #writing #as vaguely promised ages ago #for the tiny intersection of people who might be interested

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princiere · 4 years

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hfdjghkjdfhkg ok so I’m gonna answer the rest of that ask list I rb’ed earlier bc a lot of those questions made me uwu super hard so here we go

to literally no one’s surprise these questions are abt Akira hdkghkj

Aborted Declaration of Love: How long did it take for you to finally confess to your F/O? How did it go? Were there several attempts, or was it just The One?

Knowing me, my feelings will get so out of control that I end up confessing to him about a month after realizing my feelings. We’ve been friends for a couple years, so he can tell that something’s up but won’t push for me to say unless he can tell that whatever I’m hiding could put me or anyone in danger.

I kept putting it off, saying I’ll “do it eventually”, but it isn’t until Akira goes through the interrogation that I realize…I have to tell him. Despite how him being “killed” was part of the plan, what if he didn’t really make it?

It took…a few attempts to get the message across, admittedly. It isn’t until everyone else left Leblanc after Sae brings him back that I tell him. I couldn’t stop stuttering and fidgeting, but once Akira understands what I’m trying to say, he smiles and explains that he’s felt the same for…a while. He won’t admit how long exactly, but Ryuji and the others will tell me it’s been at least a year and a half since he first confided in them about his feelings for me.

Accidental Hand Hold: When did you first hold hands with your F/O?

The very first time was when we were still friends, and during one hangout with him, the subway suddenly became super crowded. He grabbed my hand, explaining that he doesn’t wanna lose me in the crowd. (I already went off abt this scenario though hgkdjfg)

The first time we hold hands as a couple, however, felt much different than when we were just friends. It was only a few days into dating, and he initially held my hand very loosely, like how he would when we were friends. But after a few moments, he’ll carefully squeeze my hand, grazing his thumb along my skin. He wouldn’t look at me, but it was hard to deny the pink on his cheeks.

After-Action Patch-Up: How does your F/O react when they see you got hurt? How do they tend to your injury?

In the Metaverse, he isn’t too concerned. He’s got all kinds of medicine that instantly heals his teammates, so he’ll use whatever is needed until I’m better.

In the real world, though, he’ll get angry, but won’t express his emotions any further than a scowl. The one time, the one time he doesn’t come with me, and I end up getting hurt with no way to instantly fix it or track down the culprit? He wants to put the blame on himself and come with me wherever I go now, but won’t admit these feelings until later. He knows and respects my desire for privacy, however, but…he can’t help but feel a little overprotective in the moment.

Akira will quietly tend to where I’m hurt, asking every now and then if I got a good look at whoever did this to me. Did I hear any names, did they have anyone else with them, etc. Whether I can give any good answers or not, he’ll still comfort me, and holds me a little more than usual for the rest of the night.

Almost Kiss: What was your first kiss with your F/O like?

It was about a few weeks into us dating, and after our weekly date, he’ll take me to Leblanc under the excuse that he “wanted to surprise me with something”. Turns out, he’d been working on making a special dessert, with the help of Sojiro, and wanted me to be the first to try it. Unsurprisingly, it tasted amazing, and after expressing how sweet it was, Akira smiled and said, “Not as sweet as you.”

He watched as I laughed, before asking rather bluntly, “Hey…can I kiss you?”

It took me a moment to register what he said, and when I did, he tried not to laugh at how red I suddenly turned. “…Yea.”

The kiss didn’t exactly feel like “fireworks were going off” or anything like that. It was…quiet, but more than peaceful and calming. Akira tasted like coffee, unsurprisingly. Without pulling away very far, he said I tasted like the dessert I’d just finished eating, and that yes, it was sweet after all.

Beautiful Dreamer: Who’s usually the first to fall asleep while the other stares and admires?

Absolutely me. Akira can fall asleep within minutes, but it can take me at least an hour to get to sleep. In the meantime, though, I got something nice to look at~

Bodyguard Crush: How does your F/O make you feel safe?

In the Metaverse, he tends to use himself as a shield if he feels I’ll be too hurt by any enemies. He knows I hate when he does that, but he still does it.

In the real world, he’ll usually hold my hand as a way of comforting me and making sure my anxiety doesn’t randomly spike like it loves to do. In any confrontation, he either gets in front of me (human shield again smh) or escorts me away.

Grow Old With Me: How long have you and your F/O been together?

A couple months, give or take. It’s only been so short because 1) I only recently realized my feelings for him, and 2) I change f/os a lot but…it feels different with him, so I’m hoping it lasts a lot longer.

Laugh Of Love: What are some things your F/O does to make you laugh?

Memes. That, or his snarky comments that piss his friends off or stupid puns that physically hurt.

Love Epiphany: When and how did you realize you loved your F/O? When and how did they realize they loved you?

For me, it just sort of came out of nowhere a few months ago. I looked at someone that I’ve known for years, and thought about all the things he’s done, both for me and everyone he cares about, and the next thing I knew…I was in love.

Akira realized much sooner, but it hit just as hard. About half a year into being friends with me, he noticed how much I’d change when I’m around him. I become much more open and happy, whereas I’d usually be extremely quiet and reserved. It didn’t help when he learned about my past relationships and realizing that, despite the trauma I was put through, I was still willing to push through and be happy again.

It then wasn’t until he was subconsciously thinking about how he wanted to be the guy that’ll treat me right that he realized his feelings.

Marry For Love: Are you and your F/O married? If so, how was the wedding like? If you aren’t, do you plan on getting married, and if so, how would you like it to be like?

We’re not married, and…honestly I don’t know if I want to be? Not that I have non-committal issues or anything, but it just feels…overrated? Too expected of me?

However, I’m not against the idea, so if we did get married, we’d definitely just want to keep the wedding amongst a small group of our loved ones. It wouldn’t be too fancy or anything, and we’d have the actual wedding at a nearby park before having the reception at Leblanc.

Post-Kiss Catatonia: How did you and your F/O react to your first kiss together?

I’ve done this every time I have a first kiss with someone so I’ll say it here: I get weak in the knees and almost collapse. Thankfully, Akira and I were already sitting at the counter of Leblanc when we first kissed, but I’m definitely shaking and flushing.

Akira was initially worried that maybe he pushed things too fast for me, but after some reassurance, he’ll start to feel better, knowing that it’s just intense jitters from having a first kiss. Later that night, though, after returning from taking me home, he’ll have some trouble sleeping that night, constantly touching his lips and reliving that moment.

Sickeningly Sweethearts: Do you and your F/O engage in PDA? If yes, how do the surrounding people react?

For the most part, he wants to keep it to a minimum. Mostly just holding hands, with maybe some holding from the side, and a kiss here and there. He doesn’t want to garner a lot of attention if he can avoid it.

Around friends, though? He’s a bit less reserved, prompting to tuck his face in my shoulder/neck if he isn’t up for talking much, and asking for a kiss every few minutes. He’ll try to casually cuddle, to which Ryuji and Futaba usually tease him for “being so clingy with me”. He always gives some cheeky comment in response.

Zip Me Up: Does your F/O help you get dressed for the day? Do you help them?

Me getting dressed is one of the times Akira will turn the other way. We both know of my dysphoria, and as much as he wants to help and compliment me the whole time, he knows that bringing attention could just make it worse. Though he’ll help in the blink of an eye if I ask for assistance.

Akira typically doesn’t need help getting dressed, but moreso asks how anything looks on him. He knows I’ll be upfront on what I think though honestly I’m kinda biased but isn’t that a given with your boyfriend? cmon

#i fuckigndhgj u w u #long post #p5 #akira kurusu/ren amamiya #fictional other #f/o #self ship community #self ship #princely posts

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elibasila · 4 years

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1: a refusal to look directly

Mirrors - i.e. the physical reflection of my body - how I was able to see my b o d y throughout time

Background/History -

Simply looking or observing myself in the mirror has been a huge evolution in my lifetime. I can remember when I was younger (around the start of middle school until my freshman/sophomore year of college) that I initially didn’t care for them, that is until my 1st puberty started. When at that age I began to recognize/see what my body was turning into, and how other people were going to see me/already saw me. My brain started to process my world’s ‘objective’ rules of gender and sex, and really that is when it probably started to hit me that I had to start taking my looks seriously like every other girl my age. For me, when I was younger I always believed I was a girl because that’s all I ever really knew, that was my ultimate reality and there was no language for girls who weren’t actually ‘girls’, your only option for a definition of yourself was a ‘tomboy’ or anything related to the stereotypical lesbian, which is mostly tied with ‘butchness’ where I grew up. With these concepts newly realized and lingering in the back of my head, I began to actually look at my reflections and compare myself to other girls. I noticed two things:

something was off, when I look at my chest and at my figure there’s a yearning to change/get rid of my body to look like something else. that something, however, was a thing that I’ve never actually seen before, therefore it did not exist. Not until later.

a heavy depressive feeling in my torso, almost feels like a dark 10lb weight in the bottom of my ribcage, it’s disappointment. I wasn’t expecting this to happen to me, even though I knew that girls went through puberty and usually got boobs, and certain figures out of it.

With these realizations during early 1st puberty I tried to do my best to mitigate these unknown feelings and repress them. I did that by looking at myself in the mirror and would practice apathy towards myself (towards my body, my look) on a daily basis. At first I would remember feeling extremely depressed/disappointed when I looked at myself in the mirror to counter this I would remember saying “this is as good as it’s gonna get”. I would say that, or something along the lines of “acceptance” (I don’t know if I’d call it acceptance in a good way though) and try to replace feelings of what was probably dysphoria with complete lack of feeling towards my body: apathy.

This went on for years and I became very good at it, so much so that it was working to ignore my physical self, and for a long time I was able to avoid severe feelings of hatred towards my body through that method. However, with the complete lack of feeling towards my body came the consequence of extreme awkwardness towards my body/physical self, meaning I didn’t know how to feel about my body at all. Until the end of high school I was still coasting by with my apathetic body practice, as time went on I would try and hide it by making sure I was blending in with every other girl my age. Entering college I slowly started to lose my grip on my identity and what followed was the identity crisis which has lead me to question this practice of what I was ever doing before this. That was 1 year and some months ago, that was when I stopped looking at myself as a girl, I started to let it go finally and with that some of the apathy was shed as well. I was actually starting to have feelings/like real feelings about what I looked like/my body and one of the first ones was surprise. I was surprised at how much I was okay with myself, because to me I looked like a boy I looked somewhat androgynous to myself and I was actually happy about that. I was happy to look like not a girl and my feelings were quickly shifting from disappointment because I didn’t look like a ‘girl’ to happiness because I now knew I wasn’t a girl in the first place.

All of a sudden I was entering into the honeymoon phase of my transition/realization and I felt great just to know I wasn’t a girl and to see myself in the mirror out of 18 years of misuse. I was happy with whatever I got because I was fresh then, now a year and some months later even those feelings of euphoria have now shifted into my previous method of apathetic body practice. The initial realization was great, after a while though the dysphoria grew as my transition started to build speed, and I was dealing with the issue of my physical body/appearance again. It shifted from me being happy I didn’t look like a girl in my eyes to me not looking enough like a boy in others eyes, my public existence was taking hold again during 2nd puberty. Not only were other people’s views influencing how I viewed my body but I believe that I would naturally devolve into this progression during my transition, I was even told in therapy that things were going to get harder, and that my dysphoria was probably going to get worse because I was now out and self aware of who I was, which was the trade off. The trade was me finally being able to figure out who I was after years of repression but with the realization there would be different issues to deal with now.

Practice -

And so we arrive at this point in time of the mirror I look into now, both remembering how I used it before to how I use it now. With the prompt I decided I wanted to acknowledge my history of my own body/mirror practice I’ve used during 1st puberty.

The basis was the practice of looking at my body in the mirror, which I do daily (brushing my teeth, facial care, etc) but dedicate a specific time in the mirror to do nothing but observe, on a daily basis.

Observations Made/Notes -

Not surprisingly it was extremely difficult for me to feel anything profound, because of this I thought that my long-standing habit of apathy towards my body had come back, just with a slightly different purpose; so as not to increase my dysphoria. I felt like I didn’t care overall

I would imagine myself without boobs, which surprisingly is something I used to do during 1st puberty, even before I knew what the language was I do clearly remember myself always daydreaming about losing my breasts. It was top surgery that I thought about, then and now, only now I’m much closer to actually doing what I’ve dreamed of.

The type of chest I saw myself having wasn’t linked to what a post-op chest would look like realistically, I saw myself with a scarless chest like I was born with a cis-man’s chest

I was comparing myself to other men I would see, though not as severely as I once did during 1st puberty, I’m realistically aware of what I look like,

I find some points of my body and smiled, like my arms (even if they’re undefined and thin), my face, my lips,

also there were some points in which I could change/ or I didn’t like: my cheeks, my jawline, just my overall thin body frame that many people label as feminine, my chest (obviously), and more specifically my pelvis/hips area i think that might be my 2nd worst feeling part of my body

I definitely dont have bottom dysphoria which is kind of comforting to know

there are some moments in time, angles where I trick my brain into euphoria and those are the best times, cause I feel the most beautiful then

I think i want to look more beautfiul than I do handsome, I still have connections to my femininity and I dont want to feel ashamed cause I’m not

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mikayla-jays-world-blog · 5 years

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Mikayla Jay's World...

Welcome one and all.

Hey friends....I thought it's about time for me to really introduce myself to all of you. I started this little blog about 6 weeks ago, and the first thing I should say is that I'm...well...*ahem... getting older. (I'm 45). As such, I'm a bit of a late-comer to social media. If truth be told, this is my first and only blog and platform that I have ever used. Ever. I don't use Facebook, I'm not a YouTuber or on Twitter or Twatter or Chatsnap or whatever else is typically used by y'all. This isn't about monetization for me. I needed a place to be creative, to vent, to learn, to grow...and most importantly...I wanted to find others in hopes of developing some sort of support network for myself. You see, in addition to being old (er), I'm also a proud MTF Transgender WOMAN. I am also bi-sexual, with a ravenous sexual appetite for both men and women - and each for their own unique reasons and dynamics. I have been an artist for mist if my life and career, having spent over 15 years professionally as a tattoo artist (I was attracted to Tumbler initially because of the graphic friendly, pro-art/artist philosophy...and the porn lol- at least until they took that away 🙄). I got burned out professionally about 18 months ago, and really wanted to follow a dream that has been sitting in the back of my head for years and years... I wanted to pursue writing. I've always believed that you do what you love, AND THEN you find a way to get paid doing it. But really, it's not about making money for me. It's about living my life on my terms, loving the person I continue evolving into, standing in my own truths, living authentically and being happy....truly happy with the life I want to live. And while I'm on the topic, I wasn't always interested in that. Living, I mean. The Cole's Notes version of my past is certainly colorful, but also full of pain and some tragedy- like many of us.

I grew up in a chaotic household, with parents that fought constantly and ultimately divorced. That was tough on me because I was close to my mom, and not so much to my father. Mom was a Nurse, Dad a University Professor. You see, I knew I was different from an early age. Thing is, my Mom knew too. She caught me wearing her makeup (because I would smush her lipsticks not understanding proper application techniques, and she got tired of me destroying them on her lol). So my Mom decided to show me how to apply makeup properly. She knew I liked lingerie, dresses, heels etc. I believe she also knew that I was not straight at the very least- certainly as I entered my teens and became a horny kid, it became obvious- to her. My father had his face in a textbook my entire childhood, and so was oblivious to his oldest son's (me) true personality. As such, I became very close to Mom. She was my best friend.

When I was 13, my parents divorced. My Mom needed a fresh start and my father made way more money, so we (me and younger brother) were forced to live with him. We moved to Maritime Canada- Prince Edward Island to be specific, as my father accepted a job in Charlottetown. My Mom moved to the North West Territories, and took a job as an Emergency Medical Flight Nurse working thru a small Native reserve hospital in Fort Simpson NWT. I was heart broken at being away from her suddenly, and bitter at the whole situation. Then my life really turned upside down.

My Mom, the best friend I ever had, loved her new life. She was finally really happy, and at peace with herself. She spent a very. fullfilling year up North. Then, just before X-Mas 1988, my world fell apart. My mom was on an emergency medical flight, and without me reliving painfull details, the plane she was flying in- 3 miles from the airport on the return leg, flew into a mountain. The plane exploded on impact, and my Mom was killed. That day, a big piece of my heart died.

I'm 14 yrs old. My mom, my best friend, my confidant and only person I trusted and supported who I was, was taken from me. The impact it had on me was simple. I was broken inside. I was in a new city and province, had no friends, was confused, alone....and broken.

The way I dealt with the pain and grief was to bury it by inside me. I became introverted, isolated, depressed, and scared. I was also trying to fit in where I didn't belong. Those of you that have never experienced small town maritime Canada, it's like Deliverence. Only worse. I had to adapt to my surroundings. The local customs and beliefs were not open, accepting or pro LGBTQ. The one thing I had going for me (at least then) was that I was coordinated and active. I could play sports. And I was a big kid. I believed my only option to fit in was to pretend I was like "everyone else". I learned to bury not just my pain, but everything that made me who I was. My sexuality. My needs and longings to feel feminine. To dress up and wear makeup. The happiest side of my personality was intimately linked to my feeling that I was born in the wrong body. I became sport-o. A jock. I blocked out and buried that part of me. And began living a life of lies. I became a "mans man".

Fast forward. I got big. I got angry. I hated myself and the world. I got involved in football and rugby and started amateur boxing. I became more confused as time went on. And more angry. Eventually after University, I moved out West. To British Columbia. Vancouver. Part of me wanted to get as far away from my father, Atlantic Canada, and my past. Part of me was aware of the progressive open gay community out there.

I ended up taking a job as a bouncer in a fairly violent biker bar. I immersed myself in that world, all the while walking a razors edge where I was "Iron Mike" on the outside, a tough SOB and all around bastard of a person. My confusion and anger over time grew into overwhelming dysphoria. I hated my body. I hated the way I looked. I battled those feeling by way overcompensating and going to the extreme other end of the gender scale. I became hyper masculine outwardly, and satisfied my inner desires on the sly, behind everyone's back. I engaged in many dangerous and stupid behaviors. I became a drug addict. And that culminated in 3 suicide attempts. I wanted to die.

That part of my life is a story for another time. But I will fast forward, for the sake of my sanity and yours. I was lucky enough to find an addictions doctor and a mental health councillor who helped me turn my life around. I began with grief Councilling for dealing with my mother's death. As I learned to trust the two women at that clinic, I came clean. With everything. My sexuality. My gender identity. I opened up about my risky sexual behavior (days and weeks suppressing and burying who I was inevitably would boil over and I would "blow off steam in the extreme let's just say.) Cyclical, drug fuelled gay sex parties were like a medicinal, almost spiritual healing event, just in a backwards twisted sort of way. My depression, dysphoria and anxiety would go up and down with my moods. I needed to change. And the more I worked on accepting myself, and battling the debilitating shame of feeling like a closet freak, the more I realized how wrong I had always been. How confused, disillusioned and unhappy I always was. I learned, slowly and not without setbacks, that I was not the pariah I feared I would become. I wasn't a freak. And I didn't have to continue to be......broken.

Over the past 10 years, I have grown and evolved. I began by accepting that I was gender fluid, and embracing it. My lifelong habit of crossdressing became something I refused to bury, and I stopped being ashamed of it. I consider myself mostly bisexual....with a definitive preferrence towards gay men and gay sex. I enjoy sleeping with women as well, but I really find it is a different type of sex, and my attraction to women is more about the intimacy. I emotionally 'make love' to women, whereas I like a good n' nasty fuck with a man...call me old-fashioned LMAO.

I also evolved in my gender identity, my knowledge and experience growing alongside my courage, and the belief in who I really am. I have grown to embrace the woman I've been evolving into. The amount of time I spent dressed up and living as a female grew more and more. I learned to truly accept myself, and the word Transgender. The philosophy, lifestyle, choices, mental impact and ultimately the strength and happiness that I've found by embracing that I AM A PROUD AND HAPPY MTF TRANSGENDER WOMAN has absolutely changed and saved my life. As such, I went through Gender Councilling, and went through the long and arduous waiting list/period to see a gender specialist doctor. I am so excited to say that I finally began by hormone therapy treatment about 6 weeks ago.

Which brings me to where we are now. I have just begun the next phase of my life. I am so happy and thankful to have survived and come through on the other side. Part of that journey has been learning to love myself. Respect myself. Believe in myself. I am so grateful to the small support group of doctor's and mental health workers who helped me learn to live my life as it was always meant to have been lived. And the other part is making sure that I can pay that gratitude forward, by helping other Transgender people live their authentic wonderful lives. That's a big reason why I started my blog. Mikayla Jay's World is a reflection of who I am. It is a place where I can thrive, meet others like myself, actually BE myself, and continue to grow....creatively, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. It is a world where you won't be judged, and you will always find a supportive girl to lean on and become friends with. We are on the cusp of great societal changes. We have the ability to help each other through the difficulties still to come, and all be stronger, better people for it. Welcome to the world I live in. Welcome to a place I love. A safe place to be who you are...inside and out....and a place where we can all laugh, cry, be shocked, be turned on, be motivated, be creative, be unique, and be loved. Your always welcome in Mikayla Jay's World. Thanks y'all.

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tabithasomeday · 6 years

Photo

I don’t think I look broken.

There's something wrong with me. With my mind.

Not that I'm trans. That's a problem with my body, and I'm taking care of that, to the extent that I can.

I remember standing on the roof. There was no railing for safety. It wasn't that kind of roof. But it was flat, and solid, and safe. I don't remember exactly how tall the building was. At least five stories, probably no more than ten. I don't even remember why I was up there.

I wondered what it would be like to stand on the edge and look down. Like I said, it was nice and solid, safe as could be. So I walked toward the edge.

As I approached it, I slowed. That just makes sense, of course. No point in charging over a precipice. But when I was almost there, I stopped. From there I could get a real sense of the height. Just another foot and a half and I'd be standing right on the edge. It would be cool.

I couldn't move.

That's not true. I could step backward. I could move my arms. I could turn around. But I couldn't get any closer to the edge.

I wasn't scared. At least, it didn't feel like I was scared. I've been afraid many times, but that's not what this felt like. I just couldn't step closer. I must have tried for close to five minutes. No good.

Then I sat down, and scooted to the edge. That, I could do. I even dangled my feet over the edge. Looking down gave me a little bit of a weird feeling in my stomach, but nothing much. When I was ready to leave, I had to scoot back gain before i could stand.

That's not the problem, either, of course.

The problem, at least the one I'm most concerned with right now, is my near-inability to initiate communications with people. To ask for, or even offer, help. Just to strike up a conversation. I want to. I want to so often. But I'm standing near the edge of that roof, and I can't take a step forward.

I recently read an article about some lesser known aspects of ADHD. Only one of them was new to me. Rejection sensitive dysphoria, an intense vulnerability to the perception – not necessarily the reality – of being rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in your life. At first, I skimmed over that last prepositional phrase, and thought "That's it. That's what I've got. Great. I mostly dodged _gender_ dysphoria, and now this." I figured that it was fear of rejection that was keeping me from initiating conversations. But I don't think that's it.

I mean, I'm definitely ADHD. Big time. And I probably do take rejection too hard. But I'm actually pretty darn good at handling criticism. And my problem initiating interactions is not limited to people who are important to me. It's with virtually anyone, with a few exceptions.

I can do things that are formulaic. I can talk to cashiers and wait staff. Bank tellers. That sort of thing. The weirdest one is that I can strike up random conversation with complete strangers when I'm standing in line, or in some similar situations.

This makes me a crappy friend. I've got most aspects of the whole friend thing down. I am there if needed. I'm rarely unresponsive. I'm a great listener. And, once I'm involved in a conversation, I'm fine at it. I love just chatting on a billion different subjects (as long as I don't feel like I'm asking for anything). But I can't initiate. I can't reach out. Not to talk. Not to ask for help. Not even to offer help.

It's not total. I can, very rarely, come at it sideways, and reach out. I love my siblings. I enjoy their company, and enjoy talking to them. We live in the same city (my parents, too), and our family used to have fairly frequent family get togethers at my parents' house. Then my parents passed away. And I stopped seeing them very often at all. I wanted to see them, but I couldn't reach out. Not even to see how they were doing.

Finally, I got myself to reach out and set up a regular meal with each of them individually, once very two weeks. So now I get to see them on a fairly regular basis. I can reach out to confirm the meal with no problem. Somehow that's different. But I wouldn't be able to reach out and set one up again and again, as individual events. I know. I tried.

And reaching out to a group is somehow marginally easier. If I'm just putting a proposal out there, for a get together, or asking a general question, I can sometime do that, although it's really hard.

There have been situations where it was easier. When I was part of a screenwriters' group, I became part of a subgroup of those folks who sometimes got together to play poker. I was able to offer up my place for a game several times. I think that it was because I was essentially just offering to take my turn. I don't know. I can leave supportive notes on Tumblr sometimes. I can, less often, make the occasional reply on twitter. Again, I don't know why I can do those things.

This hasn't just made maintaining friendships hard. It's a big part of why I never dated until I was in my thirties. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I just couldn't approach the people I was interested in. The first woman I finally got the nerve up to ask out told me she'd just about given up on sending signals*. She's the only person I ever asked out for a first time in person. Every other woman I dated I met through online dating. Even that was difficult. It wasn't the online part that made it doable. I think it was the sure knowledge that that's why people were their. As long as I wasn't an asshole, I could be sure I wasn't doing something wrong.

The whole reason I'm typing this up is to help me process. If I end up posting it, it's because I haven't posted anything in a while. But the previous paragraph has reminded me of the way I have thought about the problem in the past. I don't know if its rationalization, or if it is an actual cause, but sometimes when I'm trying to get myself to reach out, I eventually start thinking about the reasons I shouldn't. I don't want to disturb the person. I don't want to upset the person. I don't want to inconvenience them. I don't want them to feel obligated.

I might buy that those are my real reasons when I want to ask for help, or I want to just talk. But how does that work when I want to offer help? Would any of those really be an issue. And I know I would never mind a friend just texting me or calling me up to see if I wanted to do something, or talk. Why do I feel like it would be a problem if I did? It doesn't make sense. So it feels more like part of me just trying to justify the fact that I am not taking another step toward that edge.

What I can do is hurl my words into the void. I can post here on Tumblr. I'm not asking anything of anyone here. I'm not offering anything to anyone. I'm not demanding anyone's attention. If you read this, it's because you chose to do so.

But their are people out there whose attention I want. People I want to talk to. To interact with. And I can't. And it makes me feel broken and helpless. Even worse is when I manage to make pathetic, half-assed attempts and they go nowhere. Ugh.

I had a foolish and vain hope that coming out would help. Maybe it was because I didn't feel comfortable with the person I was pretending to be, and it would get easier once I could be myself.

Ha.

Luckily, that's not _why_ I came out. I came out because I needed to be me. And am I better off for coming out? Undoubtedly. I wouldn't take that back for the world. If you're reading this, you've probably seen some of my selfies. The most common comment I've gotten in the various places I've posted selfies, and in person for that matter, is how happy I look. And I am, most of the time. Happier than I have been for the large majority of my life. But there is a hole. And it makes me sad sometimes.

#girlslikeus #trans #transgender #transgender woman #sad #was

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jadinerhine · 6 years

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Hey hey hey, Sapphire fans, have another dumb hot take on our gurl, this time on a topic I’ve had thoughts on for the past few years. Because it’s potentially a hot button one, all I ask is that you read the entire thing before diving into a civic discussion about it! What am I saying, it’s tumblr, there is no such thing as critical thinking and civility anymore thanks to this hellsite.

Disclaimer #1: THIS IS MY OPINION FIRST AND FOREMOST. A headcanon, as the hip kids say around the internet. It’s not Word of God or anything like that. It’s an opinion formed by lots of reading and analyzing. If you have a different headcanon, that’s coolio too! ^_^

Disclaimer #2: this is based strictly on Tezuka manga canon. I’ve seen the PK anime on-and-off and I don’t trust my memory on elements from it.

Disclaimer #3: I don’t have my manga copy with me, so no scans of panels and such : ( But I will make sure to explain the scenes I reference, as well as include links to definitions of things.

Disclaimer #4: I researched and read about this often, but I’m pretty sure I will make mistakes. As respectful as I’ve tried to be, I am sure people out there are smarter than me about things pertaining to this topic. Let me know constructively if I messed up.

Unpopular opinion that’s actually never been mentioned so maybe it’s not really unpopular?: I believe Sapphire is intersex, more gender-fluid rather than just a minimally tomboyish girl or female-to-male transgender.

No, this has nothing to do with transphobia or any other -phobia. It’s primarily based on how Tezuka, even with the problematic views spoused in the manga, accidentally gave us aspects of Sapphire’s self that for me, lend credence to her being intersex. (Yes I know, Takarazuka influenced Tezuka and PK too, but again, only paying attention to manga lore.) I’m going to list two main facts, and within each one, state why I think the fact lends credence to my opinion. I’ll try my best to write my reasons for intersex Sapphire as best as I can.

Since this turned out to be such a long post -- longer than I thought, yipes! -- I’ll be putting it under a cut. It will be tagged “long post” too for those who have that tag or are on mobile and can finally have blacklisted tags work. Hurrah!

FACT 1: Sapphire was forced to become a boy for the sake of the throne.

Sapphire was born a girl, and as we all know, her family didn’t want to give up the throne to Silverland if it meant giving it over to Duke Duralumin, who’s basically a dictator waiting in the wings for the chance to out Sapphire as a girl. Why? Girls can’t rule in Silverland.

Solution? Keep it in the family! Make your daughter a son instead and declare him prince!

Because that will do wonders for possible gender and/or body dysphoria!

Gender dysphoria, as defined here (emphasis mine):

[GID] involves a conflict between a person's physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify. People with gender dysphoria may be very uncomfortable with the gender they were assigned, sometimes described as being uncomfortable with their body (particularly developments during puberty) or being uncomfortable with the expected roles of their assigned gender.

[...]

Gender dysphoria is not the same as gender nonconformity, which refers to behaviors not matching the gender norms or stereotypes of the gender assigned at birth. Examples of gender nonconformity (also referred to as gender expansiveness or gender creativity) include girls behaving and dressing in ways more socially expected of boys or occasional cross-dressing in adult men.

Body dysphoria, as defined here (emphasis mine):

BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance.

People with BDD can dislike any part of their body, although they often find fault with their hair, skin, nose, chest, or stomach. In reality, a perceived defect may be only a slight imperfection or nonexistent. But for someone with BDD, the flaw is significant and prominent, often causing severe emotional distress and difficulties in daily functioning.

and here:

When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, repeatedly checking the mirror, grooming or seeking reassurance, sometimes for many hours each day. Your perceived flaw and the repetitive behaviors cause you significant distress, and impact your ability to function in your daily life.

Personally, I think Sapphire suffers/would suffer more from body dysphoria, as she’s an adaptable type of person and would force herself to accept her gendered lot for the moment, as she’s done clearly. She’s uncomfortable with most expected roles of being a boy, as stated above, but she knows why she has to do it. She has to keep the kingdom away from Duralumin, protect her people. She does seem to not mind some of the princely activities she does either – she enjoys sword fighting and fencing, for one! (Was it me, or was she really into the book How to Court Women that she was reading near the beginning of the manga?)

Sidenote: When we see Friebe and Sapphire fighting together, Friebe makes the comment of why Sapphire is a girl still "fighting like a boy” alongside Friebe – but Friebe is a girl and fighting “like a boy” too! Ain’t that odd…

Sapphire’s about 15, which means she’s likely going through puberty – if she liked doing (usually) male activities, able to convince her kingdom either way of her appearance, then how would she deal with either: her body might betray her by naturally evolving into the female body she was born as, or that her body might still remain the same, due to an imbalance of testosterone/estrogen, among other factors? With the latter, she would struggle internally but be able to be king (unless her mom’s drugged and outs her due to the drug, like in the manga) but with the former? You can imagine that struggle with her future, can you?

And as much as I hate to link to anything related to the Jezebel site, this article makes a good point about not conflating the two. A passage or two (emphasis mine):

Those who suffer from body dysmorphia have a disconnection between the reality they are perceiving and how that perception is recognised in their brains. They look in an ordinary mirror, but for them, the result is something like we might imagine a funhouse mirror to look. There is an inability to recognise the body for what it is. Features seem distorted, and flaws (real or imagined) are perceived as much much worse than they are (if they even exist, and if they're even flaws in the first place)

[…]

So how is this disconnect different from the disconnect between the assignment of gender at birth and the gender identity of a person with gender dysphoria? It is substantially different in that one of the strongest aspects of gender dysphoria for many (but not all!) individuals who have those feelings is an acute awareness of what their physical features actually are and why those features do not match up with the gender presentation expected of the gender with which they identify.

and this is why hecate and captain blood are good for sapphire, and not franz charming, sorry I don’t make the rules, those two respected or ended up respecting her more, and besides her mom, would have made her feel more comfortable if this were an alternate timeline where they both diDN’T DIE

I digress. We see Sapphire constantly struggling with her identity. She wanted desperately to be a “girly girl,” so said when she wanted to go to the ball but couldn’t because she still needed to be the prince. Yet later, after Sapphire and her mother are prisoners in a tower due to Duralumin and Sapphire’s identity revealed, and after Sapphire escapes the dungeon with Tink and rides away, Tink asks Sapphire about her perception of herself. What is Sapphire, to Sapphire? That it’s Tink, the one tasked to take Sapphire’s boy heart from her, who asks this has always been fascinating – much more so when coupled with the times he tries to protect her and gives in to her having two hearts just so long as she’s able to fend for herself and survive past swordfights.

Anyway, Sapphire’s answer can be chalked up to “I’m not sure yet” and “I don’t mind myself as I am right now.” It’s a plot line that gets lost and muddied and retrofitted to fit the “proper wife model for a fifties audience” Sapphire ends up in, but it was still said. It counts!

Now, this is the part where I admit confusion when someone headcanons Sapphire to be transgender. I mean, I get it, I totally do – again, don’t mind that headcanon but in my head, I don’t think being forced to be a gender in the first place works like that, either?

Sapphire, in manga canon, initially wants to be a girl just because she wants to experience life as the person she was born as. Sometimes she is comfortable being a boy, can shift quickly to her princely mindset if she’s suddenly caught indulging in feminine “vices” – and those are all okay! But she accustomed to that fast when she realized she will never be allowed to be a girl naturally, or as a girl with male tendencies. if you were someone who were forced to conform to a rigid gendered lifestyle and activities, and were told to never express your other self, would you really want to stay as the same gender after you’re “free”?

Having said that, it’s not like intersex people can’t be transgender. (More on that below.) And I did mention that I think she’s genderfluid, definition here --

Genderfluid: Someone whose gender identity or expression shifts between man/masculine and woman/feminine or falls somewhere along this spectrum.

– and it’s because of that, because despite her own anger at this forced lifestyle, she seems to realize how much she does enjoy being good at male activities, how much she enjoys expressing her masculinity (for lack of a better word.) Equally as much as being a girl does. I feel as if, if she were in modern times, she would be comfortable being a boy one day, and a girl the next. She wouldn’t mind creating bouquets as she does in her first appearance, and wouldn’t mind strengthening her body with (usually) male-oriented exercises.

After all, according to the manga lore established by Tezuka, Sapphire’s two hearts allow her to live in two worlds at once!

FACT 2 : TWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE

Having God decide your assigned gender by hearts was a viable candidate for suspension of disbelief enough, having a person born with two hearts sends Heaven into panic and despair! And the rest of us raise our eyebrows in collective “huh”?

The manga makes it sound as if Sapphire is the first, and only, person born with two hearts. It’s either/or for the hearts, not and/and. You’re a boy who gets to fight, you’re a girl who gets to faint, nothing more.

Therefore, a boy heart + a girl heart = a girl + a boy = Sapphire. We’ve seen it happen, when Tink takes Sapphire’s boy heart out of her in the middle of a fight, and Sapphire suddenly forgets how to fight and is all a-flutter at the idea of -gasp!- violence! We’ve seen Sapphire’s body straight-up CHANGE from a female body to a male body when she loses her girl heart near the end, when Franz sets out to find her.

The fifties, fifties Japan, fifties Japan with a manga written by a man whose starting points were Cinderella, Disney movies and the all-female Takarazuka revue, which divides its actor into female or male roles. What a delicious soup of contradictions. What a delicious soup of weirdness.

Personally, I like to believe the two hearts concept can be translated into two souls. It’s a better version to grasp than actual literal hearts that can be taken out of your body and suddenly, bam, your gender and sex change automatically. (Seriously, what?) Two souls fits the pseudo-Christian-Pagan worldbuilding aspects of the manga, and it makes sense that at times, Sapphire feels empty without one of her hearts. Granted, there was the part where Sapphire fights without her boy heart and realizes she can still fight with her girl heart – which is a great snippet of character development, were it not for…the other pieces of dialogue…and Franz…who’s quite content with Sapphire “finally becoming a woman” by story’s end.

listen, princes knight!franz is the only franz I actively dislike, I like him everywhere else, pk!franz doesn’t learn anything from his mistakes, man

Two souls also helps understand a situation like Hecate, whose mother desperately wants Sapphire’s girl heart, so Hecate can be a proper girl. Hecate, the true tomboy of the series, lacks a physical heart and yet interacts and develops like any normal girl out there. But she has a soul, she does! One that loves mischief and silly pranks, who lives and breathes just like Sapphire does. It’s just not “perfect”/traditional in her mother’s eyes.

FACT 3: Wait, this isn’t a fact, back up, you said Sapphire with a boy heart changed her body entirely????

Okay, now this is where I get to, uh, cement? state my case better? for intersex Sapphire. Man, I hope so.

Let’s say (using Tezuka’s own questionable plot devices/ignoring the literalness of the heart concept a bit) that the two souls co-exist alongside having either a girl or boy heart. The soul functions with who you are, the heart functions with your body. Similar to gender and sex, I think, if you want/need a real world simile to understand it better.

Sapphire states herself to Franz as a boy, all boy, when Franz finds him after Venus (I believe it was in the Venus arc) has taken away Sapphire’s girl heart in order for Franz to run away to Venus. Y’all can guess why obviously. Sapphire is boisterous, proud, every stereotype you can think of, and stands proudly as a boy. Sapphire also is insulted when Franz insinuates otherwise, and makes a distinct notion that everything about him is boy.

and franz is distraught because oh my god sapphire’s not a girl anymore, but also whatever man, you were awful to sapphire when you found out she was a prince and didn’t even listen to her reasons why, captain blood had to tell you, you schmuck

But of course, this is short-lived. Sapphire does get her girl heart back, only to lose her boy heart later. Presumably, if the scene above applies, then that means that Sapphire is all girl.

As stated above, a boy heart + a girl heart = a girl + a boy. If we use the soul concept, then Sapphire is a boy + a girl in both soul and body. More so body, really, because she’s the same person with both hearts, and more or less the same person with only a girl heart. (I think the difference in personality with only a boy heart was for plot reasons...she was boisterous and proud in the anime and manga with both hearts at times.)

In the real world, there are different conditions for intersex people. I have a not-solidified idea of which one applies to Sapphire, but the definition of intersex (emphasis mine):

“Intersex” is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male. For example, a person might be born appearing to be female on the outside, but having mostly male-typical anatomy on the inside. Or a person may be born with genitals that seem to be in-between the usual male and female types—for example, a girl may be born with a noticeably large clitoris, or lacking a vaginal opening, or a boy may be born with a notably small penis, or with a scrotum that is divided so that it has formed more like labia. Or a person may be born with mosaic genetics, so that some of her cells have XX chromosomes and some of them have XY.

[...]

In the same way, nature presents us with sex anatomy spectrums. Breasts, penises, clitorises, scrotums, labia, gonads—all of these vary in size and shape and morphology. So-called “sex” chromosomes can vary quite a bit, too. But in human cultures, sex categories get simplified into male, female, and sometimes intersex, in order to simplify social interactions, express what we know and feel, and maintain order.

So nature doesn’t decide where the category of “male” ends and the category of “intersex” begins, or where the category of “intersex” ends and the category of “female” begins. Humans decide. Humans (today, typically doctors) decide how small a penis has to be, or how unusual a combination of parts has to be, before it counts as intersex. Humans decide whether a person with XXY chromosomes or XY chromosomes and androgen insensitivity will count as intersex.

and a little bit from here:

In cases of intersex, doctors and parents need to recognize, however, that gender assignment of infants with intersex conditions as boy or girl, as with assignment of any infant, is preliminary. Any child—intersex or not—may decide later in life that she or he was given the wrong gender assignment; but children with certain intersex conditions have significantly higher rates of gender transition than the general population, with or without treatment.

Before I continue, let me tackle ‘gender transition’ -- as I said above, it’s not that intersex people can’t be transgender people. Some intersex people do change their gender from the ones they were forced to be, much like Sapphire was forced to be -- and yes, in this case, it means that Sapphire can be both intersex and transgender. But sometimes it does feel as if people are in love with the idea of a princely Sapphire so much, that they forget that she was forced to be a prince/a boy in the first place, and that she is content with being a girl. Or both. (Remember her initial answer to Tink’s question!) In the words of a wise little girl once: ¿porqué no los dos (headcanons)?

There are other intersex people who are equally happy with the gender they were assigned to, just not exactly with their bodies, thanks to parents being convinced by doctors that butchering their newborn baby’s body is for the best. (Seriously, there are horror stories.) And much like gender dysphoria and body dysphoria are conflated, so are intersex and transgender people (emphasis and italics mine):

People who have intersex conditions have anatomy that is not considered typically male or female. Most people with intersex conditions come to medical attention because doctors or parents notice something unusual about their bodies. In contrast, people who are transgendered have an internal experience of gender identity that is different from most people.

Many people confuse transgender and transsexual people with people with intersex conditions because they see two groups of people who would like to choose their own gender identity and sometimes those choices require hormonal treatments and/or surgery. These are similarities. It’s also true, albeit rare, that some people who have intersex conditions also decide to change genders at some point in their life, so some people with intersex conditions might also identify themselves as transgender or transsexual.

In spite of these similarities, these two groups should not be and cannot be thought of as one. The truth is that the vast majority of people with intersex conditions identify as male or female rather than transgender or transsexual. Thus, where all people who identify as transgender or transsexual experience problems with their gender identity, only a small portion of intersex people experience these problems.

Tink gave Sapphire a boy heart in Heaven, because he wanted to help/be funny, I guess? God decided she deserved a girl heart. If you want to ignore the religious details, then nature/science gave Sapphire the body she has. (Sapphire’s mom also had a difficult birth, so that...could also apply...?) As I said too, Sapphire is/does become/should have been comfortable with her body and soul in the manga, before Tezuka and society rear their head and change everything up again for her. She identifies as male some days, she identifies as female some days. And because she has two hearts, it means her body is reflecting male and female biology/anatomy.

BUT WAIT, you say. What about Twin Knights??!

Oh, you mean the fantastic sequel that eschew the hearts plot, still maintains some fifties ideals despite playing more with gender (and sexuality, I wager but also I don’t want to stretch that with a story like Twin Knights) and concentrates on Sapphire’s sweet, sweet twins who she loves and adores?

WELL.

I can’t find much information on intersex people being able to get pregnant from medical/science places, per se. I’ve heard that it’s both possible and not possible, depending on which condition you have. This link, this one, this one and this one have more information on pregnancy and intersex people, even if one of them is sighs Cosmopolitan and two are from Quora. Cosmopolitan does have stories, as do the Everyone is Gay one, and if there’s one thing I believe in, it’s hearing/listening to stories directly from sources.

So you know, Sapphire can have children still, depending. And even if we ignore the sequel, and it turns out she can’t? ADOPT SHE CAN ADOPT, SHE LOVES KIDS. Plus, and as a final ending note to this because wow this got long, I’ll leave you with this:

A final thought: we’re all raised in a world where we’re told that, after puberty, our bodies “should” be able to do all these things. When you learn that your body, in fact, doesn’t do all these things as an intersex person, it’s easy to think that this means there’s something wrong with you, since you “can’t” do these things. I’m here to tell you that just because you don’t get a period and won’t give birth, that doesn’t mean that your body isn’t able to do something it’s “supposed to do” – YOUR BODY IS DOING WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING ALL ALONG. Or that somehow you’re less of a girl or a woman because your body doesn’t do these things. Not all of us are comfortable or okay with this knowledge – especially at first – and I am not trying to minimize your feelings about this. At some point, though, after you’ve processed all this more, I’d encourage you to reframe thinking about what your body “can’t do” (= is “supposed to do”) to what your body doesn’t do. <3

and this, which is from the link in the quote:

As a fetus, I wasn’t going to turn into a girl. I wasn’t going to turn into a boy. I was going to turn into me, the whole time. To me, statements with the how-are-you-lucky-enough-to-have-gotten-away-with-this sentiment are akin to me being told by a bird that I’m so lucky I don’t have to fly around for long periods of time during migrations, or being told by a trout I’m so lucky I don’t have to try swimming upstream because it’s difficult. What the hell are you critters talking about?! I’m not a bird and never was, and never will be. I’m not a trout and never was, and never will be. I didn’t get away with not being able to do those things – I was never supposed to be able to do them in the first place, because I’m ME. Saying that I’m lucky not to do something it’s assumed my body “should be” able to do erases the realness of my intersex body. My body is only supposed to do what it was always supposed to do, and that includes not menstruating or being reproductive or bearing children. MY BODY IS ALREADY DOING WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO DO ALL ALONG. The problem is in the perception that intersex bodies are supposed to be like or do things that male- and female-defined bodies do. But not all male bodies and not all female bodies do the same things anyway. Why would we assume that intersex bodies will all work the same way as all male and/or female bodies? Would we assume that all intersex bodies, with our many variations, work the same way as all other intersex bodies, too? These perceptions need to change.

“I was going to turn into me, the whole time.” I can’t think of something that describes Sapphire better.

#Princess Knight #Ribon no Kishi #Ribbon no Kishi #Osamu Tezuka #meta #long post #I stopped myself twice from posting this and then just decided to go for the goal #go for the gusto of having a bunch of people in your asks screaming at your mistakes #but #this is a meta I'm passionate about and am always wanting to learn more #and I think having these kinds of discussions help us understand storytelling and author intentions

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mer-birdman · 7 years

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@quilleth asked: For the ways to say I love you prompts, for your 7kpp angst child ;) 22 (I'm evil, I know). or 29. For the signs of affection prompts: 1, 15 or 23

This is part 2, with the OCs! :) I know they may not have been what you intended, but don’t worry. There’s still plenty of angst to go around ^^ just OC angst instead of 7K angst, lol.

1 - A Touch (Filled with Kiki & Leo — QP? — from Natural 20)

He's hearing them again.

The voices.

I can tell better and better now, even though we're back in our world and he's staying on a spare futon in mine and Terra's room. We went to bed early tonight, because everything's been a mess since we found him and school just isn't helping. Neither Leo nor I have gone to class, but Indu's been sending all of our coursework home with Alice and Terra, so I've been trying to help him keep up. Even so, it's— it's not been easy.

I'm in my bed, trying to order a proper binder from one of the companies Arden's oldest brother suggested, and I know Leo's hearing the voices again because he's got his hands clasped over his ears and there's a sort of whimpering coming from his general location. Of course, there's also the part about things in his vicinity starting to shake and float.

From what we can tell, some things... carried over, from the other world. For all of us, not just Leo — sometimes, I feel energy pulsing at my fingertips, as though it wants me to use it but I don't know how. Sophie's noticed that she never gets bruises and scratches and headaches anymore, and the other day Terra picked up the couch Alice and I were sitting on while cleaning. With one hand, while vacuuming, and didn't even break a sweat. Xander doesn't make any noise when he walks, and whenever Arden sings any light source glows brighter. Indu and Alice haven't said anything, but I bet they're feeling something too — I just hope Alice doesn't start literally breathing fire at us. Or whatever her dragon heritage was in the game — I still don't know.

The glass of water on my desk starts to shake, and I close my laptop with a sigh. This is starting to become a new tradition, it seems, or at least until he recovers from— from whatever in the world this is. Because we don't know much about the voices, and Leo can't stand talking about them when he's coherent (and that itself has been pretty rare since we got back), but we do know how to fight them off.

Touch.

"Shh." I climb off of my bed and onto his futon, pushing my feet under his crumpled blanket and pulling it up over us both. The first time I did this, it was awkward, but since it helped him fall asleep for the first time since our return... well, I've gotten used to the proximity that comes when I wrap my arms around him and tuck his head against the side of my neck. He's crying, I can tell from the dampness on my skin, but that's okay. "It's okay, Leo. They can't get to you." His hands grab onto fistfuls of my shirt, legs that are longer than mine again (it's so strange, being back in this differently-shaped body after the time spent as Orpheus) knocking against my ankles and linking with my knees.

He's skinnier than he was before, and even though it's partially from his time spent there, I know he also hasn't been eating since we got back. He usually just isn't coherent enough to get much down, and sometimes on the worst days he can't even keep it there. I can feel his ribs against my arm, and while usually it would just remind me of my own dysphoria and body image issues (and oh, they're just worse now that I know what it's like to feel like my skin fits), now just isn't the time.

Leo sobs, quiet and barely more than a shaky breath, and I run one hand through his hair. The fuchsia dye is long gone, leaving just light brown the color of dust. I want nothing more than to destroy the person who did this to him, nothing more than to punish the one who hurt my best friend like this.

"They can't hurt you here."

15 - A Goodnight Kiss (Filled with Alexa & Corellon — Familial — from CotW)

"Cor?"

The form of her brother, curled on the bed with the blanket pulled up to cover everything but his empty eyes, hadn't changed since she last visited that morning, and Alexa repressed the urge to cry in anger. She knew, knew that his recovery would take time, that he had been trapped with that woman — with her mother, and she was definitely not going to think about that now — for almost nine years. She'd only been there for a couple months, and she still couldn't set foot above ground without freezing in fear.

But her brother had been trapped in this catatonic state since they rescued him, and that had been two weeks ago.

Alexa would never admit it, but she was disappointed. Scared, too, but more disappointed than anything. After so many years, she'd finally found her brother again — the boy who'd found her, raised her, taught her that no matter what the others in her village said, she was still precious and valuable — and he couldn't even hear her voice when she spoke to him. Didn't react when she held his hand and told him about what he'd missed in the years he was gone, didn't focus on her face when she knelt down to meet his eyes. Alexa knew she could more than take care of herself, but every time she came to this room, it felt like she was once again the little girl who'd lost the last part of her family, the little girl who didn't belong anymore.

The chair by his bedside was empty, and she settled herself into it again, reaching out to clasp his hand in hers like she did every night. "Dinner's over. Miri and Bal cooked tonight — they used Hallea's sauce recipe, and I swear Taliesin was salivating before it even hit the table." She laughed, scars tugging and eyebrows quirking up at the memory. "Zan almost smacked him, I think, and Cyriss couldn't stop laughing."

Silence filled the room.

"Tomorrow, we're going back to hand-to-hand training. The rest of the initiates and I are working with Savella on endurance and accuracy, and Cyriss is going to work with Taliesin on fighting with one hand. He's, um..." Pausing to clear her throat, she sighed and made a face. "His arm is healing well — Miss Lilia and Danaë are doing a fantastic job. But just... he hasn't smiled, even once, since we brought you back. I think he feels guilty, since you were his partner. He's been really upset about it."

Corellon didn't respond, blank gaze slowly closing as he slipped into sleep. Letting herself exhale softly, Alexa stood and released his hand, bending over to press a gentle kiss to his forehead the way he would to her when she was very little and still had nightmares about lightning and large birds. The stones laid in the ceiling dimmed as she crossed the room to the door, casting only the barest sort of moonlight glow when she paused and turned to look back at the still figure under the covers.

"Goodnight, Cor. Sleep well."

23 — Any of the Above (aka Author’s Choice) — 22. A Promise (Filled with Raven & Asia & Revel — Romantic — from Wild World)

She couldn't keep promises.

Violet — no, Raven, her name was Raven, she knew that — couldn't keep promises. Promises were dangerous, they were connections that would just tie her down. They would lock her in and take away her freedom, create risks and liabilities she couldn't afford to take with what was left of her life. She knew this, and yet— and yet—

"Don't worry, Asia." He was feverish, head pillowed on her thigh (he shouldn't have felt that safe with her, she was nothing but a weapon) and shivering even though it was warm in Nowex. The spider infestation was getting worse and worse, and he was starting to become incoherent with pain on the worst days. One eye was already lost, and one lung was almost gone — she knew that, she could see the signs. There was no reason to believe he would survive. "Don't worry, I promise we'll fix you."

Next to her, Revel was mixing up more medicine while everyone else slept (they shouldn't have felt that safe around her, to sleep while she was awake), and he paused to drape a damp cloth across Asia's too-warm brow. "Listen to her, Asia. You're going to be fine."

"Y-you sure about that?"

Thick, blood-tinted tears rolled down their friend's cheeks, and Violet— Raven, Raven, she knew this— wiped them away with one thumb (a thumb that could have killed a hundred men without a care, how was she able to use it for such a small kindness, it seemed impossible). They trusted her, but she's never been anything but a killer and a liar.

"Yeah. I promise."

Thanks for asking! Sorry if this isn’t quite what you intended >_<

Signs of Affection meme

#response #my writing #original character #quilleth

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wildeabramsauthor · 6 years

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Mark Salling is Dead…

Mark Salling is Dead… And I’m Surprisingly Okay With It…

Like many of the rest of you, my thoughts have been reeling for the past couple days over the suicide of Glee actor Mark Salling. His passing has definitely strewn up a lot of uncomfortable, conflicting emotions for all of us.

This is caused largely by the fact that most people have a real problem separating the actor the person from the character they play, and from the public persona that they project. I’ve blogged about this before. This is particularly evident with people like Mark who are apparently quite a bit different in real life than what we think they are.

Mark’s character Noah “Puck” Puckerman was never one of my favorite characters. But he was one of Glee’s more popular characters especially in the first couple of seasons. He was a very talented actor and musician. Many people looked up to him. His passing has stirred up a lot of emotions in people in the Glee fandom.

Many people are feeling an immense feeling of sadness over the loss of this man and the character he played. Others are feeling angry because of what he did both in life, and now in death.

I thought that what he had done was fairly common knowledge, but I’ve run into a number of people on Twitter who somehow didn’t know what happened so I will recap briefly.

In December 2015 police raided his house and confiscated his cell phone, computer, flash drive, and other media; and Mark was arrested for possession of child pornography.

A former girlfriend of his (not Naya) had turned him in, and police were surveilling him online for weeks, building up a case before they finally arrested him. He was lead out in handcuffs, and there was a whole media circus around it, as you would expect. But as often happens with celebrities, he was in and out of jail in only a few hours. The very next day he was photographed going into a T-Mobile store getting a new phone to replace the one that the police confiscated.

At the time many fans were in denial and tried to minimize what was going on in their heads, and in social media. Surely this was only a few images. Probably just some barely legal girl that he dated. Something he downloaded accidentally. Something someone else put on his computer.

But as it turned out it was much more than that. The specific crime that he was charged with initially indicated that he had at least 2000 sexually compromising images in his possession of children under 12. (Under 12!) Still many people doubted it, and some even attacked a girlfriend for reporting him. I even read somebody say that she was somehow framing him as revenge over a breakup or something. Wow!

Things started to settle down a bit while no new information was revealed. It took a few more months before more specific details to come out, but for a long time it was believed that he only had a few thousand pictures.

The disgusting reality is that it was much worse than that. Police found over 50,000 – that’s not a typo! – sexually explicit images and videos of young children as young as three years old. That’s pictures and videos of little boys and girls being molested! More specifically, according to court documents, there were:

Over 50,000 pornographic images and video of young children, many of which were photographed engaging in sex acts with adult men.

The bulk of his stash featured children under the age of ten.

Some of the victims have been identified from the U.K., and several of the images were created in Great Britain involving “known victims of child exploitation.”

Some of the images depicted violence.

Some of the photos and videos “portrayed sadistic or masochistic conduct” by the adult males in the images.

In total there were: approximately 25,000 still images of child pornography, approximately 600 videos of child pornography, and approximately 29,000 images and 160 videos of “child erotica.”

In addition to the images he had saved, he also had a sickening “how to” manual describing how to rape small girls (between 3 and 6 years old) – a pedophiles instruction guide, which would indicate that even if he wasn’t molesting kids himself, he was definitely thinking about it. He wouldn’t have saved it otherwise.

He was NOT a nice man!

These were someone’s little brothers or sisters who were being victimized to feed his sick fetish!

This could have gotten him a sentence of up to 20 years in prison. However, back in October 2017, he and his lawyers manage to plea-bargain it down to four to seven years with 10 years of supervised release, in exchange for a guilty plea. It took over 2 years to agree to this because Mark didn’t want jail time, but federal prosecutors refused to agree to any plea agreement that didn’t include it. Part of the plea agreement that he reached with prosecutors included restitution for the victims that had been identified.

With his death, since the plea agreement was never formally filed, the plea agreement is null and void, and those victims will not get the promised restitution.

Mark was out on bail awaiting formal sentencing when he apparently decided that he could not live with the consequences of his actions and hung himself in a park adjacent to a Little League baseball field.

Even in death he’s hurting children. Bastard!

People are understandably reeling from this most recent event. I know that I have a lot of conflicting feelings myself. A human being died, and for that I’m sad, but not really for him. I’m mostly sad for the people that he left behind: his friends, his family, the Glee cast and crew. I’m having a really hard time having any sympathy for Mark himself. He made his bed, but was too much of a coward to lay in it. To my knowledge he never even released a statement apologizing to his families and victims for what he did.

It’s OK to feel sadness. It’s OK to feel anger. It’s OK to feel this profound sense of loss both for the person, and for the character that he portrayed, and will now never portray again.

It’s OK for people who know him to express their grief and share stories about the good times with him. It’s OK to celebrate the character, and what he meant to you. It’s also OK to express anger and disgust. These are very healthy reactions.

But what is not OK – and I need to be very clear here – is to compare what happened to Mark with what happened with Cory Monteith, which a lot of people seem to be doing.

Cory Monteith was a victim. He had an illness, and that illness killed him; specifically he tried to get help for his addiction (rehab) and according to his autopsy, when he relapsed, his body could not handle the amount of drugs that he had taken previously and he accidentally overdosed.

Mark Salling was a pedophile, and a creep, and a child predator, and who knows what else. He directly or indirectly victimized children to feed his sick fetish!

Yes, as some people have pointed out, pedophilia is in the manual of mental disorders (DSM-V). So are depression, gender dysphoria, and many other things. So what! That’s not what killed him. He did this to himself. What he was doing was a horrible crime. He got caught and couldn’t face the consequences of his actions so he killed himself.

Cory‘s death was an accident. Mark’s death was deliberate. They are not even close to the same thing, and it’s offensive to Cory, and his memory, to mention them in the same sentence.

What’s also not OK to attack his friends and family when they share their grief. Their son, there brother, their cousin, their coworker, their friend is dead. Regardless of what he did in life, he meant something to them, and they deserve to grieve as well. Their grief is just a little different from the fandom because they actually knew, or at least thought they knew, him; not just the public perception of him or the role that he played.

Do not attack the people who feel the need to express the grief, especially his family and the Glee cast and crew. The other day Matt Morrison tweeted a picture of the two of them and Cory along with a comment about angels, and many people were understandably upset by this. It was offensive! There is a special place in hell for people like Mark! He definitely is not in the same place as Cory right now.

But Matt was Mark‘s friend, and while he knew him for like 10 years, clearly there was a lot about him he didn’t know. He’s hurting. He’s in shock, and he’s still processing everything that’s happened. Forgive him for a momentary lapse in judgment.

Most of the rest of the cast have chosen to grieve in private, and have sadly been hounded about it on social media. The others who have posted have been subdued about it: Iqbal Theba, Jane Lynch, and Heather Morris.

As for me I’m angry. I’m angry that Mark has chose to betray the trust that Ryan and Fox put in him when they cast him as a character on the show, and put him in a position of being a role model to millions of viewers. I’m very angry that the sick bastard of a man has hurt so many people!

I’m also profoundly sad for all of the people that he hurt: his friends, his family, his fans; but most of all his victims who will have to deal with the consequences of his sick perverted fetish for the rest of their lives! They’re the ones who deserve our thoughts and prayers! He will get none of mine.

Mark Salling is Dead… was originally published on Wilde Abrams dot Com

#EDITORIAL #Glee #Mark Salling #Noah Puckerman #Puck #crossposted

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