#day 32 of Drawing Shadow Everyday
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Putting Shadow in Mao Maos outfit to heal my soul
#day 32 of Drawing Shadow Everyday#shadow#shadow art#shadow fanart#shadow the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog fanart#sonic#sonic art#sonic fanart#sth#sonic artist#mao mao#mmhoph#wait what is the acronym#mao mao heroes of pure heart#idk but it's an awsome show please watch it#I love edgy men with sad backstories-daddy issues and soft sides#I need more
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to be clear i am not at all serious about this, but i went into a deep dive into the playlists (inconclusive but i had fun so-) and this is what i have done. the numbers are the song number in their playlists.
I also have no idea if this has been done or not. Like the playlists are from 2017 so I’m assuming so? but idk. anyways this was fun, thought i’d share. I bolded my favourite ones (also the most cohesive ones)
1. Small town boy, should I stay or should I go now?
2. Always there to remind me; walk on the wild side.
3. I can’t hear you, she blinded me with science.
4. Stuck in the middle with you; I ran (so far away).
5. I’m still standing in the face of evil.
6. Hold on- a real hero.
7. Mirror in the bathroom, still haunting me.
8. When love breaks down every breath you take.
9. Love is stranger under cover of darkness.
10. Radio, radio; beta girl lost in forever.
11. Don’t you want me? Upside-down and inside out.
12. teenage kicks, staying alive.
13. Ghostbusters, don’t you (forget about me).
14. Icky thump, running in the night.
15. Destination unknown? I won’t back down.
16. Something about you (7 version) searching the blue.
17. Are friends electric? You don’t mess around with Jim.
18. Slug song, if you leave.
19. You spin me round (like a record), run for cover.
20. Cars, under pressure.
21. You really got me afraid of everyone.
22. It’s my life, living on a prayer.
23. Space age love song, out of breath.
24. My generation; vale of shadows.
25. Dead of night; cold, cold, cold.
26. Start me up a victory of love.
27. Dark days, mad world.
28. Another one bites the dust. What is love?
29. Howlin’ for you, spirit of the night.
30. Telephone operator, don’t stop believing.
31. Hand on a gun, another brick in the wall.
32. Blue Monday, creature comfort.
33. Don’t you want me free falling?
34. Danger zone, after hours run.
35. Drawing board, too shy.
36. Carry on wayward son, no other way.
37. Machine age voodoo, beat the devil’s tattoo.
38. Everyday is Halloween, breath in (the air).
39. Echo home, make no mistake.
40. Ziggy stardust, shake your molecules.
41. Come a little closer? Run away.
42. War; sympathy for the devil.
43. It’s up to you now, if you leave.
44. How do you like me now, night crawler?
45. Blue veins, let’s cruise.
46. (Don’t fear) the reaper, be afraid.
this is some form of poetry. i can feel it. Mash song titles together and think- poetry. Some of these are pretty cool
#byler#stranger things#added punciation and now look where we are#these are mike and wills playlists put together by song#didnt find anything here-not really#but i spent too mcuh time on this not to do something with it
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may 9
an overcomers heart
"let us go up at once and take possession, for we are well able to overcome it." num 13:30
here now the children of the promise were standing at the edge of entranced into the promised land. twelve men were sent in to spy out the land and only two among them returned with an overcomers attitude. the rest saw the land was indeed flowing with milk and honey but there were giants there, too big to overcome.
they had forgotten already the mighty deliverance of the Lord and looked again to their own ability. cries rang out - oh that we had died in the wilderness or were still slaves in egypt. they had forgotten all the deliverance they had already received. as a result, only joshua and caleb were allowed to enter the promised land.
it was here moses had perhaps His greatest test. God threatened to destroy them all and make moses the new abraham; the father of a new nation. overcoming the test magnificently, he was more concerned about how God would be perceived in doing that than how much his own status would be promoted. in putting God first his status was exalted greatly.
we know that all the happenings israel went through served as examples that we should learn from. they were type and shadow of the better things to come. if we should fail to learn the lesson given us by the israelites, it would mean suffering a far greater loss than they endured. our promised land is the great hereafter or eternity with God.
i was watching something the other day and an atheist was attempting to explain how a functioning society could be maintained without God. they seemed to be of the opinion that everyone could just follow a few basic principles and order would be possible.
the truth is, there is only one mindset without the love and yes, even the fear of God in our hearts, and the bible tells us what it would be. "if the dead do not rise, let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die!" 1 cor 15:32 if there is nothing to be feared, if there are no repercussions for any of our actions, why indeed would they be restrained in any way? we know what the bible says. "for God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil." eccl 12:14
i read the following the other day: "but these moments of happiness are not experienced alone, rather they are almost entirely relational and are dependent on a connection to the "other" – be it people, or nature, or art, or God. this is where meaning establishes itself, within the connectedness, nested in our shared suffering. i believe we are meaning-seeking creatures, and these feelings of meaning, relational and connective, are almost always located within kindness. kindness is the force that draws us together, and this is what i think i am trying to say – that despite our collective state of loss, and our potential for evil, there exists a great network of goodness, knitted together by countless everyday human kindnesses."
sounds good and feasible, but the truth is, without God there would be no consciousness of meaning at all. the "other" this person speaks of cannot be found outside of God; not in nature, art or anything else. there must be a consciousness of absolute good as well as absolute evil. if there is no standard to be compared to it's "everyone does what is right in their own eyes." ref jud 17:6
the existence of God is what creates that vacuum in ourselves and only He can fill it. life drives us to search for a deeper meaning; a reason for our existence in a moment of time. revelation 4:11 says we were created for His pleasure. deeper than just pleasure alone, i believe He wants to share His self with us.
did you ever say you wanted to be just like your mother or father when you grew up? God wants us to be like Him when we grow up. "but we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." 2 cor 3"18
and so, there is nothing without God. saint augustine said it best. "Thou has made us for Thyself, o Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in Thee."
if we are to be overcomers we must hold fast the truth of God and not waver. "and they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death." rev 12:11
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A Year and a Day UPDATED - 206 prompts - A Quest to discover my individual Witchcraft
*UPDATED - original post was 196 prompts
After a lifetime of subtle magic and a year of failing to step into my power, I wrote this personalized curriculum to learn my own individual Witchcraft over 366 days. There are 206 points on the list. Some will take a bit of time and work. Others require more simple answers.
I used the words "personalized" and "individual" for a reason. Witchcraft is very personal. We are all individuals and nothing we do looks exactly the same. Some of the points may not suit you. Adjust or omit them.
I will be kicking this off with a devotional river bath on June 1st.
Follow me on Instagram if you'd to tag along.
Inspired by https://sammmango.tumblr.com/post/175974393404/a-whopping-list-of-grimoire-prompts-and-ideas
Cleansing Commencement Ritual
1. List everything you’re grateful for. Be very specific – from the people you love to the water you drink
2. Write down what you want to change about your life. What is holding you back?
3. List everything you need to release, unlearn, and cleanse
4. Write affirmations to support your unlearning and growth with everyday
5. Take a cleansing shower or bath. Use whatever candles, herbs, crystals, etc. you feel like.
Wheel of the Year
6. Create your own calendar/”wheel” as you go
a. Keep a running list of signs you notice of the changing seasons
7. Research each of the Sabbats and decide how they work into your craft.
a. Summer Solstice/Litha – June 20
b. Lammas/Lughnasadh – August 1
c. Fall Equinox/Mabon – September 22
d. Samhain/Halloween – October 31
e. Yule/Winter Solstice – December 21
f. Imbolc/Candlemas – February 2
g. Spring Equinox/Ostara – March 20
h. May Day/Beltane – May 1
8. How do you wish to celebrate the popular holidays or combine them with related Sabbats? Valentine’s Day? Easter and Ostara? Yule and Christmas?
Witchcraft 101
9. Definitions – Determine what these terms mean to you by researching various descriptions
a. Grounding
b. Centering
c. Cleansing
d. Charging
e. Blessing
f. Charming
g. Enchanting
h. Warding
i. Binding
j. Banishing
k. Consecrating
10. How do you ground and center?
11. How do you cast a circle? Do you bother?
12. What are the corners? How do you call them?
13. How do you set up an altar? Do you bother?
14. Research various workings and their origins;
a. Candle magic
b. Knot/braid magic
c. Sigils
d. Self protection
e. Home protection
f. Egg workings
g. Foot track work
h. Hair/Tag-lock magic
i. Money magic
i. Money bowl/plate
ii. Money candle
iii. Money dust
iv. Lode stone money spell
v. Look up 5 good money spells that you would use
j. Sex magic
k. True jar spells
Correspondences
15. Directions
16. (5) Elements
17. 7 Days of the week
18. Colours
Astrology
19. Read your own birth chart in depth while working through this section
20. Triplicities – Elements in Astrology
21. Quadruplicities – Cardinal/Mutable/Fixed
22. The 12 zodiac signs
23. The 12 houses
24. Aspects
25. Rising sign
26. Sun sign
27. Moon sign
28. Mercury
29. Venus
30. Mars
31. Saturn
32. Jupiter
33. Uranus
34. Neptune
35. Pluto
Lunar Magic
36. Moon Phases
a. Correspondences
b. Add to your calendar/”wheel”
37. New Moon rituals
38. Full moon rituals
Divination
39. Read cards every day
40. Pull a tarot card for each week. Read it for yourself. Research traditional meanings and symbolism as well.
41. Draw some tarot spreads to refer to.
42. Write a list of other divining methods that you’re interested in
43. Make runes or charms…a bone set?
Crystals
44. How do crystals work?
45. How do you cleanse crystals?
46. How do you charge crystals?
47. How do you program crystals?
a. Create a charm to carry with you as reminder and amplifier of your magic
48. What are the uses of crystal grids? Look up some examples for more ideas.
49. How can you use crystals?
a. Physically
b. Metaphysically
c. Around the home
50. Write an information page for every crystal you have. (See Crystal List)
Green Witchery
51. Research all the herbs you are growing;
a. Basil
b. Calendula
c. Chives
d. Catnip
e. Chamomile
f. Dill
g. Lavender
h. Lemon Balm
i. Oregano
j. Peppermint
k. Rosemary
l. Sage
m. Thyme
52. Identify and research 15 plants or trees in your yard. How can you use these in your craft?
53. Identify and research 15 wild plants or trees in nature. How can you use these in your craft?
54. How can you garden by the moon?
55. Note any foraging times on the calendar/”wheel”
Potions
56. Research the essential oils you have on hand
a. Bergamot
b. Cedarwood
c. Cinnamon leaf
d. Chamomile
e. Eucalyptus
f. Frankincense
g. Geranium
h. Lavender
i. Lemon
j. Lemongrass
k. Lime
l. Peppermint
m. Rose
n. Rosemary
o. Tea tree
57. Make body butter
58. Make “Personal Growth” scalp and nail massage oil
59. Make face/gua sha oil
60. Make toothpaste
61. Make toner with oil (like micellar water)
62. Make ‘Thieves’ body spray
63. Create your own signature scent in a body spray
64. Learn to make herbal infusions
65. Learn to make infused oils
66. Learn to make herbal decoctions
67. Learn to make tinctures
68. Learn to make mouthwashes
Spirit Work
69. List the Spirits you can think to work with
a. Ancestors
i. Do you have an item that belonged to them?
b. Flora, Fauna & the Land
c. Planets
i. Where are they in your chart?
70. How can one connect with the spirit of a/an;
a. Ancestor
b. Plant or tree
c. Natural body of water
d. Fairies
e. Planet
71. What type of offerings would you provide different spirits?
a. Ancestors
b. Plants or trees
c. A natural body of water
d. Fairies
e. A planet
72. Take what you’ve learned above and try connecting with spirits;
a. An Ancestor
b. A plant or tree
c. A natural body of water
d. Fairies
e. A Planet
Shadow work
73. Look at your chart;
a. Moon, house
b. 12th house, ruler
c. Saturn
d. Chiron
e. Hard aspects
74. Research Jungian Archetypes and determine which ones fit you.
a. What are your shadows? How can you work on them?
75. Research Myers-Briggs personality types and determine which one fits you.
Personal Maintenance & Glamour
76. Hydrate – your body, brain, Earth and the Moon are mainly water
77. Eat of the Earth
78. Create a soothing bedtime ritual
79. Create a morning ritual that you look forward to
a. ‘Bubble up’ ideas
b. Make a list of Affirmations
c. Gratitude candles
d. Print a checklist
80. Exercise – hike, bike, lift
a. Make a list of your favourite dog walking spots
b. Make a list of your favourite hiking spots
c. Make a list of your favourite biking spots
81. Meditate daily – even if it’s just a few minutes
82. List best hair care practices
83. List best skin care practices
CULMINATING PROJECTS
84. Make a detailed Calendar or “Wheel” with your individualized plans for the next year. (June 1, 2022-June 1, 2023)
85. Write your Grimoire – Create a tidy book of the information that you will use in your craft.
a. Your personalized Holiday/Sabbat celebrations, dates, symbols, etc
b. The basics that make up the foundation of your craft
c. The various workings you do/intend to use
d. Spells
e. Correspondences
f. The tools of your craft
g. Your completed birth chart interpretation
h. Moon Rituals
i. Personal Tarot card meanings, spreads
j. A guide to your Runes, Bones, or whatever divination set you may have made or acquired (#39)
k. Crystal practices, information pages
l. Plant information
m. Essential Oil information
n. Recipes
o. Spirit information, communication records
p. Shadow work and a plan to work on your shadows
q. Your ideal day
r. Your ideal week
#witchcraft#magic#spells#astrology#crystals#herbs#crooked path#witch#spirit work#shadow work#tarot#divination#learning#wheel of the year#a year and a day#moon#runes#potions#grimoire#book of shadows#long post#grimoire prompts#witchcraft 101#witchcraft tools#witchcraft community#witch tools#witch community#witch learning#trad craft#traditional witchcraft
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Quotes from The Song Of Achilles I think about multiple times a day (sad edition) ((SPOILERS))
. 'And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth, when another is gone. Do you think?'
'Perhaps' Achilles admitted (chapter 9)
. This is what it will be like, every day, without him. I felt a wild-eyed tightness in my chest, like a scream. Everyday without him." (chapter 14)
. 'How long will he live?'
She made a noise in her throat, it took me a moment to understand it was laughter
'Why? Would you prepare yourself for it? Try and stop it?'
'Yes,' I answered. 'If I can' (chapter 15)
. He stirs and the air stirs with him, bearing the musk sweet smell of his body. I think: this is what I will miss. I think: I will kill myself rather than miss it. I think: how long do we have? (chapter 15)
. "Even there beneath the bright sun my skin went cold. He will not come home at all." (chapter 16)
. "He no longer belongs to me alone" (chapter 16)
. "There I lay on the cool stone floor, and closed my eyes. I could not stop imaging how it would end-spear tip or sword point, or smashed by a chariot. The rushing, unending blood of his heart" (chapter 16)
. As for the goddesses answer, I did not care. I would have no need of her. I did not plan on living after he was gone." (chapter 16)
. "I embraced those thin, wiry limbs. I thought, this is what Achilles will feel like when he is old. And then I remembered: he will never be old." (chapter 16)
. 'My life is my reputation,' his breath sounded ragged. 'It is all I have, I will not live much longer. Memory is all I can hope for' (chapter 26)
. ' You ask a question that philosophers argue over,' Chiron had said. 'He is worth more to you perhaps. But stranger is someone else's friend and brother. So which life is more important?'
We had been silent we were 14 and these things had been too hard for us. At 28 they still felt too hard" (chapter 27)
. 'Do you see?, he says 'It is the beginning! ' I cannot escape the feeling that, below the surface, something is breaking" (chapter 28)
. It was not honour that made Meleager fight, or his friends, or victory, or revenge. It was Cleopatra before him, her face streaked with tears. Here's Phoinix's craft: Cleopatra, Patroclus. Her name built from the same pieces as mine" (chapter 28)
. I knelt and pressed his hands to my face. My cheeks flowed tears 'for me then, save them for me. I know what I'm asking of you. But I ask it. For me'
'Anything else, anything. But not this. I cannot'
I looked at the Stone of his beautiful face, and despaired
'if you love me--' (chapter 30)
. 'Bring him back to me' he told them...
There was more to say, but for once we did not say it. There would be other times for speaking, tonight, tomorrow and all the days after that. He let go of my hand" (chapter 30)
. "The last thing I think is: Achilles" (chapter 30)
. 'Do you think you were the only one who loved him? You care for him in death than in life,' Her words bitter with grief. 'How could you let him go, you knew he couldn't fight!'
Achilles Screams and shatters a serving bowl. 'Get out!'
Briseis doesn't flinch 'Kill me. It will not bring him back. He is worth ten of you. Ten! And you sent him to his death!' (chapter 31)
. "Achilles' gaze lifts to meet hers. She is a afraid but does not draw back. 'I hope Hector kills you.'
'Do you not think I do not hope the same? He asks" (chapter 31)
. “Thetis’ black eyes seem to contract, like dying stars. 'I am glad that he is dead.' she says. It is the last thing she will ever say to him” (chapter 31)
. 'And the arrow flies, straight and silent, in a curving downward arc towards Achilles' back...Achilles smiles as his face strikes the earth' (chapter 32)
. ' I have done it,' she says. At first I do not understand. But then I see the tomb, and the marks she has made out. Achilles, it reads and beside it, Patroclus.
'Go' she says 'He waits for you'
In the darkness, two shadows reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet and light spills in a flood, like a hundred golden urns pouring out the sun" (chapter 33)
[well that was a roller coaster, I’m so sorry, it’s fine, I’m crying too. Anyway, this is part 2 of 3, if you saw the 1st part you’ll know I annotated the entire book using 3 colours
Orange - sweet moments, Green- sad moments , Red- Iconic moments/lines
This is green.]
#the song of achilles#patrochilles#tsoa#quotes#sad qutoes#books & libraries#the iliad#achilles and patroclus
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WANTED! DEAD OR ALIVE!
GOES BY THE NAME OF MOON SO-HYUN, AGED 32. USES SHE/HER PRONOUNS. WORKS UNDER THE JACK ODYSSEY GANG AS A DEBTOR. FACECLAIM: BYUN JUNGHA. CURRENT BOUNTY: ✹150,000
Whether by nature or by design, survival is something that is meant to leave a mark. A garish scar, a glaring stain, a gaping absence. You know that because you’ve seen it: in the weary souls that walk around you, in the ravaged planes that roll in a dusty crawl beneath their feet. Growing up in a world that is so often distorted and washed out, one quickly learns to embrace the sand-spat moments of clarity in-between — and for you, that has involved honing the gift of observation. Calluses upon weapon-wielding hands; fractures of desiccation along the travel roads; whispers about the world as it once stood and breaths held in mourning silence over what it’s turned into — your senses absorb it all as though drawing sustenance from those fleeting, mundane details. Others pass them by without sparing a glance, too occupied by the aimlessness of their steps and the ache in their stomachs, but you always stop, you always look, and you always starve for more.
If you had to state a reason for your keen observation of the scars and marks of the world beyond your perceptive, inquisitive nature, you would declare that it’s because you bear no mark of your own. Even if you do, you don’t believe such a brand holds nearly as much meaning as the one you’ve left in your pursuit of survival. It’s seared into your eyes; a blotchy, blinding hue of guilt overlaying each sight and every vision. It stitches itself into your gaze from the moment of your first crime, but it’s minuscule at first; faded and easy to disregard. You’re withering with thirst and the small tent ahead of you has a quarter-filled bottle of water braced against one of the poles. You’re desperate, you’re dying, and despite your hesitance, you’re certain that if this person has enough supplies to set up camp and build a fire, then they must have more water beyond that palm’s worth of it that means life or death to you. It isn't difficult to convince yourself when it comes to something so small and so crucial, but the same can't be said for all the choices that follow.
Theft soon evolves into bloodletting; desperation turns into fear-mongering; and slinking past camps with harmless intentions quickly spirals into taking over them in their entirety and keeping everything for yourself. The deterioration is too harsh, too quick, and worst of all, too necessary to abandon. Yet that holds no bearing on the ever-present glare of your conscience, which eats into your sight more and more everyday until you would rather tear your eyes out than bear another stroke of it across your gaze. Snared within the shadow of a bounty so large it rivals some of those chasing after the infamous Odyssey gang, you run. It’s an unbelievable struggle, striving to ensure your own survival without weighing your life against that of others, but you don't have to bear it for long before you’re spared — and that, if anything, is what affirms the rightness of your choice to you, even to this day.
The Jack Odyssey gang finds you, huddled beneath the wavering shade of a crooked tree, bent over yourself with your lips cracked from thirst and your skin blistering from heat stroke. Despite the weakened, unimpressive state you’re in, Jack wishes to recruit you, impressed by what he heard of your past exploits and the bounty on your head. You join them, eventually rising through the ranks and earning yourself the lone position of debtor alongside your pursuits as a tattoo artist and tailor. Surprisingly enough, that choice is not one that’s left your vision awash with guilt like you initially expected. You’re no saint, and you have no moral delusions about the crooked work that you do for the gang. You’re aware that leaving people drowning in debts is no better than robbing them of their water out on the open road, but to you, anything is better than mindless killing and terror. All that matters is that you can now leave a cleaner mark on the world. It’s not better, and it’s certainly not kinder, but it’s enough.
PARAGON. You see through their unblemished facade and right down to their fissured bones. The arrogance and self-righteousness that bleeds through their every action and word is glaringly obvious to you. They disguise it well; draping their selfishness in patience and charisma, softening it with illusions of care and falsified regard for the best interest of the gang — but you see through it all, and you seize every opportunity to remind them just how transparent they are to you. It angers you, the way their hands are just as soiled as all the others, and yet they brandish them with palms splayed as though everyone ought to envy their spotlessness. You will not rest until you witness them reeling from the tainted truth of them as you place it before their eyes.
WITNESS. You encountered them long before they made their reluctant arrival into your wayward band. You granted them a number of loans some time ago, and despite your sympathy towards their circumstances, you had no choice but to send Shotgun and Cain after them when the payments were overdue. The most you could do was talk the pair out of killing them, hoping that they would be able to move on from the unpleasant pursuit and do better for themself — only for them to wind up on the Odyssey’s tarnished doorstep. They’ve made no effort to conceal their resentment towards you, and you bear it. You know you’ve earned it, but you refuse to apologize for doing what you had to do. Instead, you treat them with kindness and do your best to soften their scorn, implying time and time again that they can find an ally and a friend in you, rather than an enemy, if they so wish.
BRONTIDE. When you removed the Odyssey emblem from their clothes, you did more than erase a simple patch of fabric — you stripped your heart of an essential piece that they had effortlessly come to own and grasp. Unlike Brontide, you didn’t have something to lay over the vacancy; you didn’t have a new road to lead you away from it. You could only sit in shock as they approached you, out of nowhere, and asked you to remove their patch without offering anything beyond that simple request. Now you’ve sat in the same spot, with the same shock, as you sewed the same brand that you once tore away. You don’t know how to process their abrupt, unexpected return. You don’t know how to navigate your interactions with them. You don’t even know how you feel. You only know that while they have regained so much of what they once had, a lot remains lost between you.
— QUARTER is currently TAKEN and played by RED.
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100 ways to incorporate magick in your daily life.
I understand that these are not exactly all witchy but this is about intergreting your everyday life in your practice and appreciating as well as finding magick in the most mundane and simple things that we often miss out on. ♡
1. When you wake up, before grabbing your phone or getting out of bed, take a few seconds to breathe, and stretch all your limbs.
2. Say ‘’thank you’’ to your god/goddess/deity, or simply to acknowledge how lucky you are to live another day.
3. Open the window regardless of the weather and take a big breath of fresh air. This will not only cleanse the room but also your body.
4. If it’s raining outside or snowing, take a minute to admire the beauty of it.
5. Pick wildflowers (please don’t pick any endangered flowers or toxic ones, do your research).
6. Dry said wildflowers and put them in your Book of Shadows or any book or journal you are using.
7. Go for a walk in nature during the day and during the night as well.
8. Sunbathe.
9. Moonbathe.
10. Light lots of candles.
11. If your room needs a cleaning, try to make your own household products naturally using your favorite scents and clean your room with them.
12. Change your bed sheets and pillowcases.
13. If you have a clothing line, hang your clothes, blankets, sheets, comforters, pillowcases, underwear outside. Visualize the wind cleansing them.
14. Grow your own favorite herbs.
15. Buy a succulent.
16. Dry your herbs and save them for bath magick, spells, teas or rituals.
17. Sweep the floor and visualize yourself sweeping off all negativity out of the room.
18. Sprinkle sea salt over areas that you feel have a negative energy to purify them.
19. Make your own purifying/cleansing spray.
20. Take a hot, soothing bath. I am a sea witch so I find this particularly helpful when I miss the ocean/the beach. (Don’t forget to add herbs, essential oils, sea salt, flowers, crystals, or anything that has magickal properties for a magickal bath)
21. Sip a cup of your favorite herbal tea.
22. For kitchen witches, try brewing your own tea, and cooking meals with intention and magickal ingredients.
23. Make charm bags.
24. Water your herb garden by hand.
25. Show the people you love that you love them.
26. Show some love to your pets and spend a few extra minutes with them.
27. Light up your favorite incense.
28. Keep a small bag of your favorite herb (for example: lavender) in a drawer, so when you feel stressed, just pop the bag open for a deep breath of calming aromatherapy.
29. When you take a shower, visualize the water neutralizing your energy and washing off all the bad stuff.
30. Bless your morning coffee or tea.
31. Keep a daily journal, whether it’s a Book of Shadows, a daily planner/organizer or a dream journal.
32. If you wanna be low-key and discrete about your craft, draw small sigils all over everything. Your school notebooks, pencil cases, journals, shoes, etc.
33. Read lots of books about magick and form your own opinion/path/views/beliefs.
34. If you read fictional stories, allow yourself to get lost in them and let your mind wander and escape.
35. Put on your favorite clothes, makeup, shoes, or whatever little thing that makes you feel fabulous, even if you’re staying in.
36. Be proud of your body.
37. Practice self-care.
38. Take time to unplug and spend time with yourself. (that includes smartphones, iPads, laptops, tablets, desktops, and all electronics/little gadgets we lug around on a daily basis.)
39. Go to the beach
40. Go to the forest.
41. Go to the desert.
42. Go to the mountains.
43. If it’s warm outside, make a bonfire and admire the flames. If it’s winter and you have a fireplace, light it up.
44. Go somewhere you’ve never visited before.
45. Go camping if you can, by yourself or with friends.
46. Stargaze.
47. Breathe.
48. Dance.
49. Dance in the rain.
50. Sing.
51. Go outside in a snowstorm (but don’t drive and most importantly know if it’s safe or not. Be careful.)
52. Plant a vegetable garden, even if it’s just a pot of tomatoes.
53. Walk barefoot and feel the earth under your feet.
54. Pull weeds.
55. Adopt an animal from the shelter.
56. Practice yoga.
57. Eat healthy, but if you wanna eat that last piece of cake, do it. Life is short.
58. Exercise.
59. Start a new hobby.
60. Mix your own perfume.
61.Make your own candle.
62. Make your own essential oil.
63. Make your own soap.
64. Lay down and listen to your favorite music. (Mine is video game music, it’s just soothing for me.
65. Take a day just for you without answering the phone.
66. Pick dandelions and make a wish.
67. Carry crystals/stones with your in your pocket.
68. Learn how to do tarot readings.
69. Collect rain, sun, snow water.
70. Plant lavender or rosemary for protection and luck.
71. Bless your kitchen utensils, such as spatulas and wooden spoons, that all the food you make with them will promote healing and love.
72. Charge your crystals under the full moon.
73. Have tantric sex with a loving partner.
74. Carve sigils into the sand at the beach and let the tides release them into the universe.
75. Re-arrange your altar.
76. Keep track of your sleep and menstrual cycles and moods to see how the moon phases affect you.
77. Be open minded to the retrogrades.
78. Go outside on any phase of the moon and take in all its beauty.
79. Keep your pendulum with you as a necklace so you’re always ready to do a little scrying.
80. Burn sage or cedar first thing in the morning to start your day off fresh.
81. Look for constellations and learn them.
82. Paint sigils on your mailbox.
83. Hang wood chimes, or a silver bell on your front door knob for luck.
84. Tuck a sprig of lavender under your pillow before bed to promote peaceful sleep.
85. Watch a meteor shower with someone you care about.
86. Buy new candles.
87. Water your plants in your garden counterclockwise to banish negativity from the space.
88. Paint your nails a color associated with the intention of your spell or ritual before you begin so that your hands become your wand.
89. Plant red geraniums by your front door as this is a traditional sign of witches.
90. Bless more than water and crystals on the night of the full moon: set out your essential oils, nail polish, or a special bottle of champagne too.
91. Dry your vegetables or plants and incorporate them into a charm bag.
92. Wash your windows with moon water for extra clarity.
93. Use sun water when you brew tea for a magickal experience.
94. Stir sugar into your tea or coffee with intention, willing sweetness into your day and life.
95. Draw sigils or write a brief protection spell on the inside of your dog or cat’s collar.
96. Soak in a milk bath (or just soak your fingers in a bowl of warm milk) on the full moon to embrace the feminine energy. Plus you’ll come away with silky, soft skin.
97.Hang up palmistry and astrology charts in your home for easy reference and pretty, witchy decor.
98. Line your windowsills with protective crystals.
99. Make censing sticks for the seasons, using chamomile buds for spring, lavender for summer, sage for fall and pine for winter.
100. Just be you and love yourself. Don’t forget you are made of stardust. You are magickal and amazing.
#witchcraft#pagan#wicca#rituals#spells#wiccan#witch#witches of tumblr#magick#book of shadows#crystals#healing#green witch#kitchen witch#garden#herbs#pendulum#pentagon#sigils#protection#traditional witchcraft#credits from#witchoflupinehollow#some of my own as well#tips#everyday magick#essential oils#moon#moon phases#elements
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2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 20, 21, 25, 30, 32, 33, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 44, 51, 52, 55, 58, 59, 65, 73, 79, 87, 88, 89, 90, 92, 93? (sorry if it's too much tho)
These are questions from the Sweetheart ask! Thank you for the ask! (sorry its taken so long for me to answer) I do not mind that you asked a lot of questions, it will give me something to do!
2. What’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard in your opinion?
This is so hard to answer! My mind goes to Rainbow by Kesha first so thats what I'm going to say.
3. Hows your heart feeling right now?
It feels fuzzy, like static on a tv. Its the feeling I get whenever I share.
4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do?
I make time for myself and do things like shower, bake, listen to music, watch a movie/binge a show, read a book, do a face mask, and sleep.
5. What’s your skincare routine?
I have pills I take everyday for my acne and then I have two different face washes, one is for the shower the other is for when I wash my face at the sink, then I have two creams I put on my face after I wash it and then I have moisturizer to make sure my skin doesn’t get too dry. So I guess the routine is pill, wash face, use face creams, and moisturize. Sometimes I get lazy and just do a face mask and moisturize.
7. Do you have any stuffed animals?
Yes, I have a lot of them too. I love stuffed animals.
8. Best trip you’ve ever been on?
I got to go to France and England a few years ago and it was such an awesome experience.
9. Favorite thing about your room?
The walls because 12 year old me wanted my mom to try and paint my walls tie dye with blue, green, and purple and it still looks amazing.
10. Opinion on love
Love is good, and I think that love comes about in many different ways through family and friends and pets and all the relationships we have in our lives are important, even if people grow apart.
11. Are you affectionate?
I like to think I am! Once I’m comfortable around someone I become a pretty open book because that’s my way of letting that person know I like them.
12. Who do you look up to?
Oh geez it sounds weird to say Weird Al but I think he is great at what he does and he truly is living his best life and doing what he wants to to and he works hard for it. I look up to Rebecca Sugar because she has created this massive story line with characters that are complex and deep and even though Steven Universe is 5 seasons in it has a story to tell that isn’t over and it still feels fresh to me.
14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you when you’re in a bad place?
So this isn't just one song but listening to light hearted musicals or Weird Al helps me feel happy or at least make me laugh when I'm feeling down.
15. Do you play an instrument?
Not anymore but I did play the clarinet for just a few years.
16. Do you do art? Using what?
I just took a drawing class last semester and I used a pencil for the most part and I think that is my favorite kind of art to do for now.
17. Do you dance? What style of dance?
I love dancing but I wouldn’t say I have a style unless ‘white woman with no sense of rhythm’ is a style of dance. I just dance however I feel like dancing!
20. What’s your hairstyle?
Idk what style you would consider this but I usually wear my hair down like this or in a ponytail. (Face reveal kinda? I put up a selfie once but no one liked it so I deleted lol. Also that’s what I meant by tie dye walls)
21. What weather is most beautiful, in your opinion?
I love warmer days when the sun is out, I think that a clear blue sky is so pretty! And I love when flowers are are in full bloom.
25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them!
This is Tatters and she just loves taking naps and its so cute when she wants attention because she shoves her head under your hand until you pet her!
30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, in your opinion?
Even though I think there are a lot of beautiful things in life, friendship is probably one of the most beautiful. I think that being able to have a strong relationship with someone else is great.
32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?
I guess I’d have to say the piano because I think that is sounds so graceful and can make a song sound very moving by just being apart of it.
33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?
Yes to both but I like the sounds of the real wind and rain, not the digital recreation of wind and rain you can get in an app. Fake rain sounds like tv static to me.
35. What makes you happy?
A lot of things, food, family, pets, music, movies/shows, books, writing, and anything that I think is funny makes me very happy. Honestly sometimes all I need is some alone time, a shower, and sleep to make me happy.
36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will it look like?
I imagine this everyday. I’m in my 30′s and I live in California in a 5 bedroom, 2 bathroom house that has two floors, the first floor has an open floor plan. One of the bedrooms is on the first floor and I have turned into my creative room where I can write, make art, sew, and make jewelry. The second floor has the other bathroom and 4 bedrooms, one of them is mine, the rest are guest rooms. Outside I have a large yard with a privacy fence and garden where I grow vegetables. I have a job I actually like doing and have enough time to myself to do whatever I want. I eat healthy, work out, and try to get the most out of everyday.
37. Do you wear makeup? If so, what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup?
I wear makeup sometimes and eye shadow , highlighter, and lipstick are my favorites to wear and I really like Maybelline’s lipsticks. I haven’t figured out what my favorites in the others are. I usually buy stuff from Walmart.
38. Do you wear dresses? If so, what is your favorite dress you own?
Yes I do wear dresses and this-
Is my favorite dress! This is my Belle inspired dress that my mom made for me!
39. Have you ever been heart broken? How do you deal with it?
I haven’t really been heart broken but I know that when I’m down about someone I miss I think of all the good times I had with that person.
40. Who is your closest friend? What do you love about them?
Some of my closest friends are here on tumblr! One is my friend Josh @meadowbro who has a great sense of humor and another is my friend Eileen @calavicciis who has great taste in style.
44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?
House of Gold by Twenty One Pilots is a great song a friend introduced to me.
51. Do you feel loved?
Yes, and of course sometimes I feel as though I’m annoying but then I remember that I am annoying but my friends like me despite that.
52. How do you express love to those you care about?
I try to be kind to others and I like to listen when my friends and family talk to me.
55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been?
I was pretty happy as a kid before I had anything to worry about.
58. Do you laugh a lot?
Yes! I love to laugh, almost anything I watch or read should make me laugh at some point.
59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic?
I love pastel colors but I also love galaxy things.
65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you?
I think I'm fairly kind and I think its important to be kind because everyone deserves to be treated in a kind way.
73. Do you like hugs?
Kind of? I don't dislike hugs but I don't hug people super often unless its my family.
79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in?
Nope! I haven't even lived in a different state before.
87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything?
Either hanging out with my friends or going to my grandparents house.
88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book?
I used to read a lot but college has sucked the zest out of reading for me. My favorite book is The Knife of Never Letting Go.
89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment?
Shows I used to watch on PBS like Clifford or Arthur.
90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have?
I think I am patient and I think that being patient with yourself and others is important.
92. When was the last time you truly felt calm, without much of anything to worry about?
Probably when I was in elementary school.
93. Do you worry a lot?
Yes, I tend to stress and worry a lot.
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Ultra Jump May 2018: 100 Questions for Komiya Arisa
“I’ll affect you with the magic of love ♪”
TL: Arishamod
QC: Ippi, Yuja
Komiya Arisa (Voice of Kurosawa Dia)
Nickname: Arisha
Birthday: 5th February
Blood Type: B
Hobbies: Reading Manga, Sleeping
Skills: Drawing portraits, Classical ballet
Notable Roles:
Movies: “Love X Doc”, “50 First Dates”, “After School War”, “Yumeji: Ai no Tobashiri”, “Evergreen Love”
Drama: “Teru Konda's Legal Recipes”, “ Uchu Sentai Kyuranger (Akyanbaa)”
TV: “Tsuukai TV Sukattojapan”, “Tonight’s Nazotore”
1. Favorite food?
Meat.
2. Disliked food?
Hot tofu.
3. Favorite sweets?
Japanese rice crackers.
4. Your number one favorite home-cooked dish?
Although my mom is really good at cooking, and I love all the food she cooks, my favourite is still Ebi Fry (fried shrimp)!
5. Favorite color?
White.
6. Favorite scent?
A slightly sweet floral scent.
7. Favorite season?
Winter.
8. Favorite event of the year?
Birthday.
9. What sport do you like watching?
Figure Skating.
10. What sport do you like playing?
I don’t know how many years it’s been since I’ve played sports. Although I like to watch it, I might not say the same about playing it.
11. Favorite animal?
Dogs, but if it comes to looking at them only, it would be cats.
12. If you were to compare yourself to an animal, what would you be?
I look like a cat.
13. Are you a dog person? Or a cat person?
Dog person.
14. Favorite manga?
“Black Butler”.
15. Favorite genre of manga?
A clichéd shojou manga.
16. First manga you read?
“Ciao (Cha-o)”.
17. First anime you watched?
“Sailor moon”.
18. Favorite movie?
“Les Misérables”.
19. Favorite musical artist?
No one in particular.
20. Song(s) you listen to every day?
I don’t really listen to music…
21. First CD you bought?
A “Morning Musume” CD.
22. Your specialty song at karaoke?
I almost never go to the karaoke.
23. Phone lock screen?
The portrait that was drawn by Kubonouchi Eisaku that was used for my collaboration goods.*
*the same one that was used for her 3rd fan meeting.
24. A clothing brand you often buy?
UN3D and Elendeek.
25. Your best outfit?
None in particular.
26. Favorite place in your house?
Bed.
27. What do you want most right now?
A small Balenciaga purse.
28. What’s something that you’ll always carry in your bag?
My purse and portable charger.
29. What’s something you’ve been collecting unintentionally?
Cosmetics for the lips.
30. What’s your treasure?
The necklace that was given to me by my parents on my 20th birthday.
31. What kind of child were you?
Even now I am a child who has freedom.
32. Your childhood treasure?
The stuffed bear that my grandma gave to me.
33. Your childhood dream?
To be in “Sailor Moon”.
34. Someone you respect?
My parents.
35. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
Domestically, I would want to travel to Shikoku*. If it’s overseas, I would like to travel to Iceland, where I previously traveled to for work once.
*Shikoku is the smallest major island in Japan.
36. What country do you want to try visiting?
France.
37. Any bad habits?
Recently I feel like I am hunching my back.
38. Do you have a catchphrase?
Demo sa (but).
39. Charm point?
My eyes.*
*I’m pretty sure this is her SFW answer because she has mentioned that her butt is her charm point in her gravure interviews ><
40. A strength you have?
I diligently do what needs to be done.
41. A shortcoming you have?
Frequently changing my mood.
42. Your special skill?
Classical ballet and drawing portraits.
43. Something you’re bad at?
Staying still.
44. A precise weakness of yours?
I am useless when I don’t have enough sleep.
45. What do you want to fix about yourself?
Since I realised that I get lonely too easily, so I want to feel secure when I am by myself.
46. What are you confident you can imitate well?
The faces of people with their eyes wide open from the manga by Mr. Umezu Kazuo.
47. What’s something you could live off of?
Food.
48. Your current obsession?
Since I have received a Kindle, I have been reading.
49. A phrase you’ve been using a lot?
None in particular.
50. Favorite motto?
Do it one way or another.
51. If you could describe yourself with one word, what would it be?
Doing as one wishes.
52. Something you’ve been picky about recently?
When they are doing my partial makeup for our stage costumes for Aqours, I sometimes insist that they “must use this eye shadow”.
53. Fill in the blank with something positive: I’m actually _.
Able to forget anything completely once I go to sleep.
54. Fill in the blank with something negative: I’m actually _.
Lonely.
55. Anything but this!
Being touched randomly by things around me
56. What would the world be better off without?
I do not know.
57. How do you kill time?
Sleep.
58. How do you relieve stress and refresh yourself?
Sleep.
59. What app have you been using often recently?
The calendar app that I use for managing my schedule.
60. What’s something you always do once you wake up?
Brush my teeth.
61. What’s something you always do before you sleep?
Drink water.
62. What do you do when you ride the train?
Things like reviewing Aqours’ dances and checking my Twitter.
63. What do you do to maintain your health?
Food definitely helps.
64. What do you do when you have the day off?
Sleep or go shopping.
65. What do you do when you have time to yourself?
Sleep or lie on my bed and do nothing.
66. What do you do when you hang out with friends?
We go to cafes.
67. Where do you want to go on a date?
A meal would be fine.
68. If you were to confess to someone, what kind of situation would you want it to be?
I don’t really intend on confessing...
69. If someone were to confess to you, what kind of situation would you want it to be?
I want them to confess to me in person!
70. Something fun that happened recently?
When I was in Tokyo and Osaka for 3 days for my birthday event, there were many people who came to the event. It was difficult, but together with everyone who came to the event, I did my best! I had fun during this event.
71. Something sad that happened recently?
When I can’t remember what kind of work I did when I return home everyday.
72. Something funny that happened recently?
I often wear my western clothes backwards. I find that funny yet sad (laughs).
73. Something about your past you want to erase?
Nothing! Right now I should use all of it as a source of encouragement…
74. A moment that made you think “This is a miracle!”?
The time when I was heading to the station without checking the schedule, and the train came at a really good time.
75. A moment that made you think “I’m glad to be alive”?
When I am eating a delicious meal.
76. What wish do you want granted in the future?
To appear in a morning drama.
77. What’s something you wished for that came true?
Becoming a heroine.
78. Any fond memories of 2017?
I was able to travel to many different regions through the lives and events.
79. What went wrong in 2017?
I guess the year passed without any failures that was big enough to immediately come to mind...
80. What would you do if you won 100 million yen from the lottery?
Put money into my savings and buy a house.
81. What would you do if you had a time machine?
Since I neither want to know the future, nor do I want to change the past, I wouldn’t use it.
82. What would you want to do if the world were to end tomorrow?
Live a normal day with my family.
83. What would you want to eat if the world were to end tomorrow?
A meal cooked by my mom.
84. If you could bring one thing to a deserted island, what would it be?
“Anywhere Door”*
*The same one used by Doraemon
85. If you were reborn in another world, what would you want to become?
A human with save points.
86. If you were reborn in this world, what would you want to become?
Human.
87. If you were to be reborn, would you want to be male or female?
Female.
88. What’s good about being a girl?
Being able to wear many different cute western clothes each day.
89. What’s something you’d want to try if you were male?
I want be a playboy.
90. A challenge you want to take on?
I want to drive down from a mountain pass…
Though even if I got a license, I definitely wouldn’t do it.
91. A voice role you want to try in the future?
A normal girl. I think that it’s different trying to portray a normal girl.
92. If you could do any job outside of voice acting, what would it be?
Currently, I am doing gravure as part of my actress work outside of being a voice actress. When I was young, aside from the entertainment industry, I wanted to be either a pharmacist or nutritionist.
93. What made you the happiest out of everything you’ve been told?
“You have become such a mature woman”, which was said by a staff member that I’ve have known for some time.
94. Have you been keeping any secrets from the rest of Aqours?
There isn’t anything important enough that I will keep a secret from them…!
95. Where in Numazu would you like to visit again?
The frog museum.
96. Praise yourself as much as possible!
Your skin is so smooth!
97. Memories of your first love?
Around the time when I was an elementary school student?
I have forgotten it, just like how I forgot what I did yesterday. I don’t really remember much…
98. Please tell us a life changing experience.
Right before I turned 18, I had to live on my own, but I did not know how to use a washing machine.
99. Your thoughts on today’s photoshoot?
Since it is the season for spring clothes, being able to have pictures of us taken with the poses from the AZALEA cover with the room filled with balloons, really makes me happy.
100. Finally, a word for your fans!
There will be many more events, so please do come for them!
Let’s watch out for each other’s health (laughs).
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Abramelin Experiment
After some successful experimentation with the magic squares of Book Four of the Book of Abramelin, I’ve decided to undergo a more structured series of visual quests centred around the thirty-nine squares that feature in Chapter Twenty-Seven and record them here.
This chapter specifically deals with making ‘all kinds of things appear.’ This is predominantly astral in nature, though observations should be kept in everyday life for synchronistic correspondences with the images worked with each day.
The work is simple in nature and adheres to the following instructions:
1. Craft the square the day before using it by writing the names onto the page of a pad of 5mm square-ruled paper.
2. Before bed that night, form the intent to use the square for the purpose designated to it the following day.
3. Be aware of any dreams or synchronicities before and after the work is performed
4. On performing the work itself, begin by performing a banishing of one’s then cut the square out of the pad.
5. A short, personal invocation of the Elemental Kings Oriens, Amaymon, Paymon and Ariton/Egin—who rule the operations of this chapter—is then performed, with the square in held in the hand, by facing each King’s respective directions— East, South, West and North—before returning to the East to perform the work.
6. With the square in your hand, or upon your head under a hood or cap, enter a meditative state with the intent of receiving the relevant visions. The state aimed for should be passive and receptive.
7. Results should then be recorded and analysed.
8. No closing banishing should be performed if one wishes to note any subsequent external synchronicities that may occur. Work on the next square two days later will involve a banishing in any case.
9. Repeat stages 1-8 the following day until the experiment is concluded on day seventy-eight, during which a final banishing should occur before midnight.
Each square and its associated properties will appear here in full along with the names of the specific servant spirits which can also be called upon to assist with the operation. To space the workings out and allow its synchronistic effects to be noted, a meditative working is carried out every other day over a total of seventy-eight days, with the first day being dedicated to making the square and forming the intent at night, before the meditation is done at one’s convenience the following day. The third day then repeats the actions of the first day for the next square and so on until day seventy-eight, when the experiment draws to a close.
The squares are powerful talismans upon which the Chiefs and their servants have sworn oaths to uphold the functions of. In my own experience, they are effective, simple tools, but do come with warnings attached. Some have advised, for instance, that they should not be left lying around or visible to others as they are activated as soon as their form has been established without any need to consecrate or vivify by extraneous rites. Without banishing immediately afterwards, general feelings of oppression, paranoia, noticing objects moving by themselves, bad-temperedness, poor discipline, frightening dreams, visual phenomena such as seeing shapes or shadows moving, hearing noises such as whispers and breathing have all prove quite common with this as with all other work involving spirits. Not only does the person performing the work may notice such effects, but others who share the space they have been worked in may notice them, too. I’ve also noticed that the squares have the tendency to disappear out of sight, slip out of the pocket if being carried, or somehow become lost once they have served their purpose. If they don’t disappear they should either be put somewhere secret or appropriately disposed of as one sees fit.
They are used to make the following things appear:
1. A beautiful lawn
2. A hunting party
3. A pumpkin
4. A beautiful garden
5. A beautiful palace
6. A rose garden
7. A big lake
8. A snow
9. A grape plant or grapes
10. A vineyard
11. Wild animals
12. Paddocks and fields
13. Farm buildings
14. A castle on a mountain
15. A mountain
16. Flowers
17. Bridges
18. A running spring
19. A village
20. All sorts of trees, also a forest
21. A lion
22. A wild cat
23. Cranes
24. Owls
25. Steers
26. Giants
27. Horses
28. Peacocks
29. Eagles
30. Bears
31. Buffaloes
32. Wild pigs
33. Dragons
34. Unicorns
35. Vultures
36. Foxes
37. Griffins
38. Rabbits
39. Dogs
The image, names and report for the first square is coming very soon. Anyone wishing to follow suit and perform any or all of the astral meditations at any point is encouraged to communicate their findings in the comments.
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40 Mini Psychomagic Acts for Radical Personal Change by Balitronica Gomez
This list of psychomagic acts for radical change was directly influenced by the teachings of mystic, N. Grace, the literature of anthropologist, Carlos Castaneda, the philosophy and humor of Anton Lavey, and the wisdom of artist and filmmaker, Alejandro Jodowrosky. Re-interpreted and re-mixed by Balitronica Gomez of La Pocha Nostra. These exercises can be used in times of personal crisis to shift your mental and esoteric paradigms and stimulate positive changes in your personal life and performance practice.
1. Brush your teeth with your non dominant hand for a week. (Optional, use chili flavored toothpaste if you can find it, or make it.)
2. Take a different route to work or school (even if it’s longer or inconvenient). Try to use public transportation if you don’t normally.
3. Go through your closet and eliminate all of the clothing items that don’t make you feel absolutely amazing when you put them on.
4. Change a $20 bill into 20 $1 bills and hand one out to every homeless person you encounter during the day. Make sure you smile and look them in the eyes when you hand it to them, and if possible engage in a meaningful conversation.
5. When trying to make a hard decision between two or three options, commit to spending one entire day as if you had made one of the choices. Then for one week, live your life fully as if you have made the decision one way or the other. Repeat for the other options. Once you have done this exercise you’ll have a better idea of which is the best choice. This also applies to a performance art project.
6. Sleep outdoors for 3 days. If you have a garden or patio, bring your bed outdoors. Look at the sky during the night. It will give you humility.
7. Sleep upside down in your bed, placing your head where your feet would normally be.
8. At night before going to bed write down one of your fears that you’re going to let go of during your dreams and place the piece of paper under your pillow. Throw that page down the toilet or burn it the next morning. Do this for an entire week.
9. Set an alarm for anytime in the middle of the night without looking. When the alarm goes off , wake up and write down or draw in a notebook what you were dreaming about or your thoughts upon waking. Do this for a month.
10. Choose a day of the week, and for an entire month engage in cyber-dieting during that day, which means, don’t use any technological device in your home (Ipod, Ipad, Iphone, computer, etc).
11. Get a night light that you can leave on 24/7 at your home as a “ghostlight” to honor the dead among us, and your friends and relatives that have recently died.
12. Walk backwards for an entire day.
13. When you are in the middle of a crisis, look for a quiet place in your home, turn off all computer and digital devices and stay still seated naked on a comfortable chair or sofa for 50 minutes with your eyes closed and doing deep breathing. The answers you are looking for will come to you.
14. Write to your parents and let them know that regardless of how your childhood was, that you know that they did the best that they could do given the circumstances. This will be helpful for them when they are transitioning from this existence to the other side. It will make it less painful to know that they did the best they could (even if you are fully aware they could have done better). You can also do this exercise with past lovers with unresolved business.
15. Destroy or burn all of your pillows once a year and buy new ones. You’ll be destroying old states of mind and starting a new. Especially if you have shared your bed with others, whether lovers, relatives or friends.
16. Clean your entire house using either distilled water or your own favorite alcoholic beverage (rum, tequila, mescal or whisky work very well) and a new towel. Imagine that with every movement of your hand the towel is removing all of the negativity/bad energy of the space. Do this once a year (or more if necessary).
17. If you feel lonely in your house, get a pet. Even if it’s a small pet like a fish or a poisonous toad. Care give with utter tenderness. It will make you a less selfish person.
18. Write your will & last wishes. Make sure to update it every year.
19. Anthropomorphize your own death as a beautiful female partner. Imagine she is always following you like a shadow over your left shoulder. Use her as an advisor to remain humble and grateful.
20. Return to the vacation spot that you used to go with your family when you were a kid, but go there alone. Spend some time there writing your favorite memories in a journal. When you’re having a bad day open the journal and read your memories. You’ll feel better.
21. Talk to your neighbours for a few minutes every time you encounter them. You belong to the same neighborhood and therefore you share similar social concerns whether they like to admit it or not.
22. Talk to your house plants and give them the physical compliments you’d like to hear given to yourself.
23. If you have never left your home country leave your country for the summer and become a continental citizen.
24. If you suffer from social anxiety, practice “radical” shoplifting once a week and try to speak to someone that you don’t know everyday.
25. Detect the loneliest person at your workplace. Send them flowers anonymously for their birthday.
26. Give yourself one day a month (or one day a week if you can) where you indulge in radical self-care. Get a pedicure, drink delicious tea and honey, read the book you’ve been meaning to read, get a massage, go swimming in the ocean, go for a hike, attend a sweat lodge, or do whatever clears your head.
27. Contact the first person you fell in love with, thank them for that experience.
28. Make a list of all of the people who influenced you when you were growing up. Send them thank you cards or emails and let them know.
29. Next time you take a hot shower eat an orange or tangerine before getting out. You can throw the peels on the shower floor to create your own orange steam room.
30. Leave your favorite composer or musician on the stereo whenever you leave the house so he/she can infuse the house with sound.
31. When you break up with a partner, burn all of the lingerie or underwear that they’ve seen you in and buy new ones. Also, collect all the items they gave you, and sage them or throw them away.
32. Leave a pad of post-it notes and a sharpie in your purse or bag. Whenever you use a public restroom leave a poetic note of encouragement on the back of the door for the next person who uses the stall, something like “Leave behind all your troubles.”
33. Remember what your favorite childhood books were and read a line or so of them every night before bed or while taking a shit.
34. Buy your mother or grandmother/father/grandfather concert tickets to their favorite artist. Take them to see the concert if you can. If you have no relatives in your hometown, you can invite a lonely neighbor.
35. Make an extra pie, cake or casserole during the holidays. Give it to the first homeless person you come across on your way to work or school.
36. Let your partner pick out a new perfume or cologne for you. One that they like, regardless if you like it or not, for you are, in fact, wearing it for them, not yourself. If you don’t have a partner, ask your closest friend.
37. Eat whatever meal for breakfast your parents would never let you eat for breakfast when you were a child. Do this for a week.
38. Go into a high end department store and convince them to let you try on the most expensive suit or dress in the store. Walk out of the store without buying anything or with your new suit or dress on without paying. If you choose to shoplift, it’s at your own risk, but it can be an important anti-capitalist exercise every now and again!
39. If you’re not sure, wait. Wait indefinitely if need be.
40. Write your own psychomagic acts for personal change
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Everyday Paganism: List of 30+ SIMPLE Daily Pagan Rituals
When we embark on a spiritual path, sometimes the path gets twisted and we feel we lose our connection to the Divine. This is totally normal and shouldn’t get you down! Sometimes we are too busy with the mundane to cater to our spirituality. But there are ways to include simple daily pagan rituals into your routine without a fuss. You don’t have to do every single one every day, pick and choose a few you could fit into your schedule and try to remember them. The key is to create a habit of your daily pagan rituals so that you don’t forget or don’t feel too guilty if you do! Without further adieu, here’s my list of 30+ simple, daily pagan rituals.
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30+ Daily Pagan Rituals
1. Light a candle
Many of us pyromaniacs already love burning candles in our homes, so why not make it a part of your daily pagan rituals? Light a candle and say a quick prayer of gratitude to your god or goddess or ancestors. Then go about your day.
2. Offerings for the Gods
Everyone thinks offerings are complicated…here’s a little secret – they’re not! Offerings can be anything you feel your god or goddess would enjoy: food, beverage, water, incense, herbal blends, art, and poetry. Some gods enjoy a nice black cup of coffee in the morning. Some enjoy a portion of your dinner at night. Some prefer the scent of patchouli incense. Incorporate offerings into your daily routine and watch the blessings roll in!
3. Offerings for the Ancestors
Same as above – make offerings to your ancestors one of your daily pagan rituals. Did your granny like to steal sweet n’ lows? Add a couple to your ancestor altar for her. Did your Uncle enjoy bonfires? Light a candle for him in the evening.
4. Rise to Greet the Sun
If you’re an early riser, this should be a simple one – rising to greet the sun. Sit outside with your coffee and watch the sun rise. Bask in the glory of the star that gives life to this planet.
5. Runic Stadhas or Yoga
Edred Thorsson talks about runic stadhas in his book Elder Futhark. These are similar to yoga positions. So whether you enjoy yoga or feel a connection to the runes, try physical positions like the runic stadhas or yoga on a daily basis. Even if you only do one or two in the morning to get your day started or in the evening to relax and connect.
6. Go for a Walk
Simply going for a walk outside is enough to relax you and re-connect with Mother Earth. Don’t have a lot of time to fit in a walk? Instead of sitting at your desk for lunch break, take your lunch outside and go for a walk afterward. Even if it’s only a ten minute walk.
7. Dream Journalling
Keep a journal at your bedside. Before you even set foot on the floor in the morning, write down your dreams in a dream journal. This is a simple, yet effective way to tune into your higher self and gods – through dreams. The more you journal your dreams, the more dreams you will recall.
8. Meditate
You don’t have to meditate for an hour or even a half an hour. Pop in a set of earbuds and listen to a ten minute relaxing guided meditation for free on YouTube.
9. Nature Signs and Omens
Throughout your day, pay attention to any nature signs or omens. This could be anything – a praying mantis on the windshielf, a blue jay that seems to repetitively visit you, a cloud in the shape of a heart, a snail that’s entered the house, etc. The gods and ancestors often use nature to communicate with us. This is one of the most enriching daily pagan rituals in my practice.
10. Light Incense
Just as you light a candle for your gods or simply to re-connect, light incense on a daily basis. Something about the scent of incense in the air puts me into an otherworldly state of mind. It is relaxing and grounding, too.
11. Read a Spiritual Book
Take fifteen minutes out of your day to read a spiritual book. Whatever topic you’re studying in the realm of paganism, set aside a little time daily to read and absorb what you are reading. Knowledge is power, after all.
12. Love Your Pets
Whether you have a dog, horse, or a hamster, set aside some time every day to love on your pets. This doesn’t seem like a pagan ritual, but anything done with intention and in a routine can be a ritual. And what’s more pagan than loving on animals?
13. Light a Red Candle in the Kitchen
Keep a red candle in your kitchen. Light it in honour of the ancestors who came before you, who cooked hearthside to feed and nourish their families just as you do today!
14. Smudge Yourself
One of those self-love daily pagan rituals is smudging yourself. You don’t have to do this daily, but I promise if you do take up the practice, you won’t regret it. Smudging removes the negative debris stuck in your aura, helps to relax you, and to ground you after a long day of work.
15. Love Your Family
One of the most pagan things to do is to honour and love your family. Think back hundreds of years ago – what did your ancestors value back then? Life, love, and family. They focused on survival and did what they had to do to feed and care for their families. And it’s a good thing too, because you’re here because of them! Honor your ancestors by loving your family every day. Spend quality time with your family as a daily pagan ritual. Othala.
16. Write in Journal / BOS
Keep a record of your spiritual journey, traditions, and thoughts by writing them down in a spiritual journal or Book of Shadows. Take five minutes a day to write something down – even if its just your emotions or your thoughts in that moment.
17. Wear a Stone
Choose a stone to wear on a daily basis. This is a simple, small daily pagan ritual to do in the morning. If you can’t wear it, then put it in your pocket. Choose stones for protection, grounding, energy, etc.
18. Pray to the Gods
Take time in the morning while you’re getting ready for the day or take time just before falling asleep to say a simple prayer to the gods. Prayers of gratitude are best. The more grateful we are for the gods’ presence in our lives, the more blessings roll in.
19. Visit the Garden
Whether you keep an elaborate garden or just have a few plants and trees in your yard, take some time in the early morning or the evening to pay the garden a visit. You never know what wisdom the plants, trees, and wildlife have to share with you. I find garden visits comforting, peaceful, and enlightening.
20. Exercise
How is exercise a daily pagan ritual? In this modern day and age, everyone is so busy and sedentary. We don’t have the time to work out. But here’s the thing – we were gifted with these bodies by the gods/universe/ancestors and so we should be grateful for them and care for them just as we care for our spirits. Even if you just go for a run in the morning, do something to get your heart pumping every day. Make the gods proud.
21. Brew a Cup of Tea
Make brewing tea a daily ritual. Enjoy choosing your own loose leaf herbs, hearing the tea kettle whistle on the stove, and then pouring the hot water over the herbs. Sit down, be quiet, and sip your tea while waiting for the Divine to speak to you.
22. Smudge Your House
Along the same lines of smudging yourself, smudge your house to rid it of any negative vibes or spirits. A quick smudging does the trick, even if its only ten minutes.
23. Rune or Card of the Day
Something I enjoy doing in the morning, draw one rune or one tarot/oracle card for the day. It might give you a sneak peek of what’s to come or just provide some sage advice. Either way – drawing one rune or card of the day is one of the easiest and enlightening daily pagan rituals.
24. Use Herbs in Cooking
Have a garden with herbs or vegetables? Use them in your cooking on a daily basis. If you don’t have a garden, choose spices from your kitchen cabinet for specific purposes. For example – cinnamon for money. Sugar to sweeten up situations and people. Rosemary for love. Etc.
25. Pray to the Ancestors
Just as you pray to the gods, pray to your ancestors as well. They enjoy hearing from you too.
26. Freshen Up Your Altar
Clean up your altar on a daily basis. This means dump those ashes off your incense burner. Dust off any dirt or debris. Refresh your offerings. Etc. Make your altar a place worthy of the gods and ancestors.
27. Gaze at the Moon
On nights when the clouds are clear, go outside and gaze at the moon. Feel the lunar rays on your skin.
28. Plan the Next Sabbat
Take time to plan the next sabbat. Write down ideas on traditions, rituals, food, etc. This is a fun daily pagan ritual to do with the whole family (if they are pagan, as well).
29. Call a Pagan Friend
On days you feel you need an extra boost of comfort or confidence, call a pagan friend. There’s nothing like talking to someone of like-mind and kindred spirit.
30. Ground and Center
With how crazy life can get, making grounding and centering a part of your daily pagan rituals can really do wonders for your health and wellbeing. Even if you touch a tree before going inside or walk around outside with barefeet, both of these rituals help.
31. Plan the Next Esbat
Just as planning the next Sabbat can be fun, so can planning your next Esbat. Plan an aura-cleansing bath on the New Moon – what herbs will you use? Will you use sea salt or epsom salt? Plan to do a releasing ritual on the next Waning Moon. What will you do next full moon? Write down your thoughts and ideas.
32. Research Your God/Goddess
In addition to reading a spiritual book once a day, spend a few minutes doing further research on your god or goddess. This can be online or in books. Read your god or goddess’ mythology, folklore, and history. This gives honour to your god or goddess and enriches your relationship with them.
https://otherworldlyoracle.com/simple-daily-pagan-rituals/
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Get To Know The Blogger (Repost)
1. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?
Binge watch my current favorite shows and movies. (Currently: Parenthood, Skam, and 13 Reasons Why
2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?
Leggings because they’re comfortable as fuck.
3. What hobby would you pick up if time & money weren't an issue?
Yoga seems fun and I try to be a chilled person.
4. What does your perfect room look like?
A rustic/vintage style room with a bunch of old cameras and maps and books but then also plants and fairy lights.
5. How often do you play sports?
If I played sports often I would not be on here.
6. What fictional place would you like to visit?
I want to visit Idris (Shadowhunters).
7. What job would you be terrible at?
I’m terrible at any job that you have to do under pressure (most jobs) so I would be a really bad waitress.
8. When was the last time you climbed a tree?
I have never climbed a tree.
9. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for?
Being able to find out certain information on anyone about anything.
10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have?
I am ALWAYS late. I can never be on time for anything.
11. What job do you think you'd be really good at?
I think I would be good as a retail person or a makeup artist.
12. What skill would you like to master?
Drumming, guitar, piano, singing, and reading fast.
13. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?
A road trip across the US with my friends.
14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like?
An apartment type place that is an industrial building with old brick and a spiral staircase with a bunch of rustic accessories, located in a city.
15. What's your favorite drink?
Hot chocolate.
16. What state or country do you never want to go back to?
I have never been there but I never want to go to Idaho.. I don’t know why??
17. What songs do you have completely memorized?
Anything Troye Sivan, 5sos, most One Direction. A bunch of songs.
18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in?
Twilight in Forks, Washington.
19. What do you consider to be your best find?
Um... I dont know?
20. Are you usually early or late?
Late forever and always.
21. What pets did you have when you were growing up?
Two cats, two hamsters, a bunch of fish, hermit crabs, and a dog.
22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with?
Mainly any type of advice. Boys usually with girls and girls usually with rumors and gossip.
23. What takes up too much of your time?
My phone, specifically a website called Quotev.
24. What do you wish you knew more about?
I wish I knew more about psychology.
25. What would be your first question after waking up from being frozen for 100 years?
Who the fuck froze me?
26. What are some small things that make your day better?
When an idol of mine posts a new picture or video. Or when a new clip or episode of one of my favorite shows comes out.
27. Who's your go-to band or artist when you don't know who or what to listen to?
5 Seconds of Summer.
28. What's the best way to start the day?
Waking up around 9 am, showering, and having a fruit with coffee.
29. What TV shows do you like?
Skam, Shameless, American Horror Story, Shadowhunters, Scream Queens, 13 Reasons Why, Modern Family, The Fosters, Riverdale, and Parenthood.
30. What TV channel doesn't exist but really should?
LGBTQ+ channel.
31. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished?
Any actors that started at a later age (19-23) and are on successful, popular shows or movies now.
32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently?
22 seems pretty great.
33. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?
I refuse to watch most horror movies.
34. What's your ideal way to spend a weekend?
A successful binge weekend of movies and tv.
35. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don't think you could live without?
My iphone.
36. What is your claim to fame?
I don’t know, acting??
37. What is something you enjoy doing the old-fashioned way?
I enjoy writing letters and reading physical books.
38. What's your favorite book or movie genre?
Fantasy or realistic - fiction.
39. How often do you people-watch?
Basically everyday.
40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?
On how teenagers in high school need to be kinder towards each other and watch what they say and do that could be hurtful to someone else.
41. What's the best day of the year?
Halloween.
42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of?
I’m pretty sure most people have heard of psychology and astronomy.
43. How do you relax after a long day of work?
Laying in bed and watching Netflix.
44. What's the best book series or TV series you've ever read or watched?
I have been watching Shadowhunters ever since it aired then watched the movie and now am currently reading the books.
45. Where is the farthest you've ever been from home?
I went from Florida to Boston without my family one summer.
46. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen?
I have seen many heartwarming things.
47. What is the most annoying question people ask you?
Where do you want to go to college?
48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation?
Either Shadowhunters or Evan Peters.
49. If you were the dictator on a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do?
Make them all have some form of sparkly accessory and have any of my favorite shows air on each person’s televisions whenever they are on.
50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?
They should take a trip alone.
51. Would you rather go hand gliding or whitewater rafting?
Whitewater rafting.
52. What's your dream car?
A purple jeep or a Volkswagen van.
53. What's worth spending more on to get the best?
Foundation always.
54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get?
Actually most trends like the thing on the back of people’s phones or the unicorn frap I do not understand.
55. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years?
Being able to travel.
56. Where is the most interesting place you've been?
Disney World.
57. What's something you've been meaning to try but haven't gotten around to it?
Playing the drums and yoga.
58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week?
I went on vacation.
59. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind, only to experience it for the first time again?
The Malec kiss scene in season 1 episode 12 on Shadowhunters.
60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have?
A retail job at Barnes & Noble.
61. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see?
Ace a Biology tests since I suck at science.
62. How different was your life 1 year ago?
I lived in a different state, went to public school, and had friends.
63. What quirks do you have?
I rant about my current obsessions, I do not know how to make eye contact, and I dodge away from conversations.
64. What would you rate 10/10?
My gay ships.
65. What fad or trend do you think should come back?
I thought the Rainbow Loom was awesome.
66. What is the most interesting piece of art you've seen?
Shirtless guys.
67. What kind of art do you enjoy most?
I enjoy face paint.
68. What do you hope never changes?
Our freedom of speech.
69. What city would you most like to live in?
Boston or New York City.
70. What movie title best describes your life?
The Art of Getting By. (The movie is basically me)
71. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now?
I am not doing any work.
72. What's the best way a person can spend their time?
Doing what they are most passionate about and feeling care free about it.
73. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make?
I would make furniture that looked like it was from a fairy tale world
74. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been?
In a spa.
75. What's the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you?
I won a cute and expensive bag without realizing that’s what I signed up for.
76. Where would you rather be from?
I am from New York and I like being from there.
77. What are some things you've had to unlearn?
I did not have to, but every summer I forget everything I learned that year in math.
78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months?
I am going on vacation with my cousins.
79. What website do you visit most often?
Quotev or Instagram.
80. What one thing do you really want but can't afford?
High quality makeup.
81. Where do you usually go when you have free time?
I go to my bedroom.
82. Where would you spend all your time if you could?
My bedroom.
83. What's special about the place you grew up?
I have never grown up in one place. I move every 4 years.
84. What age do you want to live to?
95 seems like a good age.
85. What are you most likely to become famous for?
Makeup or acting.
86. What are you absolutely determined to do?
To live my life to the fullest and not have regrets on things I did not do.
87. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?
How to draw a skull on my face using just eye shadow.
88. What do you wish you knew more about?
I answered this question earlier on.
89. What question would you most like to know the answer to?
What is my future going to be?
90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person?
What are your passions?
91. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major?
I stopped believing in my religion and the political opinions my family has.
92. What's the best compliment you've ever received?
You are really interesting to talk to.
93. As the only human left on earth, what would you do?
Scream as loud as possible.
94. Who inspires you to be better?
My idols (there are a lot).
95. What do you want your epitaph to be?
She lived a long, full life doing what she loved.
96. What haven't you grown out of?
Hugging my mom in public.
97. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in?
A high school.
98. What's the dumbest thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well?
Throw a party.
99. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about?
Nothing at all. I am not interesting.
100. What's something you will never do again?
Throw a party.
101. How do you hope you'll change as a person in the future?
I hope to be more confident, daring, and adventurous.
102. What keeps you up at night?
Things I keep putting off or events that happen the next day.
103. What's the most surprising self-realization you've had?
That I was a negative person and needed to change for the better.
104. What is the most illegal thing you've ever done?
Drink underage. Risky, I know.
105. How do you get in the way of your own success?
I am a big procrastinator.
106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?
My body.
107. What is your biggest regret?
Not applying myself more (I’m still working on that).
108. What do you look down on people for?
The way they behave and treat others.
109. What bridges do you not regret burning?
Toxic or one sided relationships.
110. What lie do you tell most often?
I’m almost ready.
111. What would be your spirit animal?
A hedgehog.
112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older?
Living on your own.
113. What are you most likely very wrong about?
A lot of things.
114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it?
A rainbow and glitter.
115. What's happened that changed your view on the world?
How negative or hurtful people can be.
116. What is the biggest lesson you've learned?
That there is no point in being negative about a situation because it will not do anything to fix it.
117. What is the most immature thing you do?
Wear hair bows.
118. What are you famous for among your friends & family?
Being the outcast.
119. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be?
The pool.
120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn't have?
Making money to live even if it is something you do not enjoy.
121. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die?
Travel to all the places I want to visit, being successful in some sort of way, and helping to make a difference somewhere.
122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self?
So far, 10 was back when things were simple so stay there till further notice.
123. What's the best thing you got from your parents?
Their attitude on doing what makes you happy.
124. What's the best thing about you?
I am passionate about many things and have big dreams.
125. What blows your mind?
How people think it is cool to not care about things.
126. Have you ever saved someone's life?
No.
127. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at?
How easy I can find out information about people.
128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like?
Black hair, dark skin, brown eyes, tall, skinny.
129. What are 3 interesting facts about you?
I watch about 5 movies a week, I am homeschooled, I have been to Disney 25 times.
130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it?
None of my scars have interesting stories.
131. What's the title of the current chapter in your life?
A work in progress.
132. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life?
When I went from public school to high school.
133. What's the hardest lesson you've learned?
It is hard to find genuine people who care about you when you’re young.
134. What do people think is weird about you?
My obsession with sparkles.
135. What mistake do you keep making?
Trusting people.
136. What have you created that you're most proud of?
I rewrote an alternate version of the ending to The Fault In Our Stars.
137. What do you doubt?
I have a bad habit of doubting my ability to be confident and social.
138. What are some of your morals?
Be kind, always. Do what you love. Have goals and make dreams. If you try hard enough and work your ass off, you will succeed. You are not getting anywhere with a negative attitude.
139. What do you want to be remembered for?
Making a difference in somebody’s life.
140. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years?
Having more of an opinion about things and standing up for myself.
141. What is your favorite fragrance?
The A&F store.
142. What do you think your last words will be?
I love you.
143. Who or what do you take for granted?
The amount of free time I have.
144. Why would you be annoying as a roommate?
I stay up super late with the lights on and take very long showers.
145. What is something you're insecure about?
My body.
146. What's the best & worst piece of advice you've received?
Do what you love is the best. Get a high paying job to make money is the worst.
147. What irrational fears do you have?
Not knowing what my future is.
148. What makes a good life?
Living the exact way you want to live with little regrets.
149. What's the last adventure you went on?
I don’t even know.
150. What is the most memorable gift you've received?
A ring my aunt gave me that was made from one of her mother’s stones she had on her old jewelry.
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Gift #32, @seefin
I can't SEE myself ever FINishing this gift - because I never want it to end! @seefin , good thing it’s for you!
Our gifter says:
“HAPPY DRALENTINE'S DAY!!!
I hope you have an absolutely fabulous day and that you enjoy my little gift. I got the idea from a Tumblr post about how the OP's grandparents met. I tweaked it a bit and it kinda ran away from me! Anyway, it's silly, fluffy and fun so I hope you like it!
Loads of Love! xxx”
Did I Say That Out Loud? - Muggle AU. When Draco runs into his Aunt and cousin on the way to work he doesn't expect the encounter to end with him somehow accidentally scoring a date with quite possibly the hottest guy on Earth. 9k,
Tags: no smut, some innuendos and heavy petting
Draco checked his watch as he turned the corner into Hyde Park, sweeping his blond hair out of his eyes and pulling his grey-knit scarf tighter around his pale neck. It was early, just gone nine am, so it wasn't as if he needed to take the shortcut but he liked to enjoy the scenic route, especially on days like this when the morning air was crisp and the weak winter sunlight seeped through the hazy clouds.
He knew Pansy would already be waiting for him with a hot, freshly brewed vanilla latte and all the gory details from the previous night, where she had been subjected to yet another ridiculously over the top dinner party thrown by her parents for no other reason than they wanted to. Pansy had tried to get Draco to go with her, but Draco preferred to hear about these things rather than experience them himself. He was sure it would offer some amusement to his otherwise bland Saturday morning.
He had just strode past the kid's play area, which was already teeming with shrieking children running all over the place, apparently not deterred by the brisk February breeze, when a familiar voice called his name. He turned and saw an older woman with greying hair pulled into a loose bun, wrapped against the cold in a dark green overcoat, wave at him.
He smiled in surprise and they met at the edge of the play-park where she folded his taller frame into a warm hug.
"I thought that was you." She said cheerfully, pulling back to gaze up at him.
"Auntie." He replied warmly. "How are you?"
Andromeda Tonks was a stately woman. Sharply dressed, with an air of respect that had you instantly standing straighter, she wasn't one to be trifled with.
"I am very well, thank you. Enjoying the sunny weather." She returned, smoothing back the wayward strands of hair that caught the gentle wind.
Draco smiled inward. Only in England could temperatures of four degrees and a slight glimpse of the sun be considered 'sunny'.
"How are your parents?" She asked.
"Mother is well." Draco responded carefully.
She raised an eyebrow. "And your father?" She continued gently.
Draco winced and glanced away, staring out over the dewy grass.
"He is much the same."
Andromeda patted his arm sympathetically but did not say anything, which Draco was grateful for. What does one say when one's father is in a terminal coma after being brutally attacked by unknown gang members for a business deal gone wrong.
Draco didn't like to linger on such thoughts and quickly cast about for a distraction, which arrived in the form of a small bundle of energy in a bright yellow anorak and an eye-wateringly turquoise bobble-hat jammed over his sandy hair. The little boy shouted out with glee and threw himself at Draco, almost knocking them both to the ground with the force of his enthusiasm.
"Teddy!" Andromeda scolded as Draco let out a surprised huff of air and instinctively threw out his arm to steady himself, grabbing hold of his aunt's shoulder.
"It's alright," Draco assured her, patting the top of the child's wool covered head. "No harm done."
Andromeda hummed, unconvinced as Teddy smiled sheepishly up at his grandmother, but let the incident go.
"How are you Teddy?" Draco asked the exuberant child. He didn't feel especially comfortable around children, never knowing what to say to them, but with Teddy's eager personality and infectious grin it was hard not to like the bouncy six year old.
"I'm great!" He beamed, and held up his hand to show them the little green leaf, his words tumbling out fast in his excitement. "Look what I found! Harry says its a four-leafed collver! No, clover. They're lucky!"
But before either adult could respond, and with the mental dexterity only children possess, Teddy turned to his grandmother, his mind already on the next order of business.
"Nanny, can I have an ice-cream?" He asked hopefully, his honey-gold eyes wide and pleading. He pointed to an ice-cream truck parked on the other side of the play area, where a small crowd of children hovered nearby. "Harry said I could have one if I asked nicely and if you said I could. Please?"
A low chuckle sounded from behind them, and the voice that followed was warm and rich, sending a shiver of heat down Draco's spine.
"Shameless you are, Teddy-bear. I said it was too cold but he kept insisting, so I told him he had to ask you."
Draco turned and froze.
Because holy shit!
Surely this was a god amongst mortals?
Like Draco, the man was tall, lean and probably around the same age as Draco, but that's where the similarities ended. Where Draco was pale and delicate, this man was the exact opposite; vibrant colours and strong angles, with warm, golden bronzed skin, wide pine-green eyes framed with thick lashes, a jaw that could cut glass covered in the most sinful five o'clock shadow, and a shock of ebony hair that defied gravity. He was wearing a leather jacket and a pair of faded, dark blue jeans which hugged his thighs like a second skin.
Draco wasn't sure what expression was on his face in that moment, but it must have been just as slack-jawed as he felt because the man - Harry, the tiny part of his mind that wasn't completely blank supplied helpfully - met his wide-eyed gaze with his own amused grin, his eyes flitting appreciatively over Draco's form.
Draco shuddered, barely suppressing a whimper. Oh, fuck me.
Teddy giggled and clapped his hands over his ears, beside him Andromeda pressed her fingers to her mouth to hide her sudden smile, and Harry's eyes widened a touch before he grinned cheekily.
"Only if you let me buy you dinner first?" He said, tilting his head forward, his hair falling over his eyes.
Draco frowned, confused for a moment, before realisation dawned and horror seeped in. His eyes slid shut in mortification and he prayed to every deity or celestial being who might be listening to make the ground swallow him whole.
It didn't work.
"Please tell me I didn't say that out loud." He whispered, feeling a flush spread over his skin.
"Unfortunately, you did." His aunt replied, failing to hide the mirth from her voice.
Draco opened his eyes, wishing he could hide and never show his face ever again. Obviously, the lack of caffeine coupled with an insanely attractive man was enough to reduce him to a drooling simpleton.
"You said a bad word, Uncle." Teddy sniggered delightedly.
"Uncle?" Harry sounded confused, but Draco didn't dare meet the gaze he could feel burning a hole in his temple. "I didn't know Tonks had siblings."
Andromeda huffed at the use of her daughter's maiden surname name rather than her given, but answered Harry's implied question.
"She doesn't. Draco is my nephew, Narcissa's son." She smiled warmly at Draco.
Draco took strength from his aunts encouraging expression and turned to Harry. Drawing himself to his full height, he ignored the blush still staining his cheeks and held out his hand.
"Draco Malfoy. Pleased to make your acquaintance." Draco winced internally at the posh accent that coloured his voice when he was stressed or nervous.
Harry smirked at the overly polite tone and clasped Draco's outstretched hand, his palm warm and calloused.
"Harry Potter." He returned, then grinned brashly. "And the pleasure is all mine, I'm sure."
Draco felt his blush deepen and took a quick step back glancing at Andromeda. She was smiling, her expression so like her daughter's impish grin Draco did a double-take.
“Come Teddy, lets get you your ice-cream.”
Teddy whooped with joy and took off towards the van, ignoring Andromeda's call to wait and throwing a quick “Bye, Draco!” over his shoulder.
Andromeda sighed and shook her head.
“Well, I'll see you soon I expect, Draco dear.” She said, pulling Draco into a quick hug. She nodded to Harry and followed her exuberant grandchild.
“We'll be just over there.” She called to Harry as she walked away.
Draco watched her leave, and feeling Harry's gaze, he looked up, meeting his vibrant green eyes.
“That was subtle.” Harry chuckled, taking a step closer.
Draco swallowed, forcing himself not to step back. “I apologise for my earlier words. It was inappropriate.”
“That's a shame,” Harry murmured, talking yet another step closer. He was close enough now that Draco could smell his woodsy, cedar cologne. “I was actually sincere in my offer of dinner.
At that, Draco stepped back in surprise. “You've only just met me.”
Harry smiled charmingly, his lips curving crookedly, a dimple winked at Draco.
“Then all the more reason.” He closed in, his hand reaching to curl gently around Draco's wrist. Draco started at the contact, his eyes darting down to where Harry's fingers were pressed against his skin. He blinked rapidly, wondering if Harry could feel his pulse racing.
Judging by Harry's smile, he could. “I would like to get to know you.”
Harry's gaze was intense. Draco had never been looked at like that, like he was the sole focus of another person. They were surrounded by over-excited children and everyday Londoners, but somehow Harry made him feel like they were the only two on the planet.
“Why?”
Harry straightened, tilting his head. “I'm intrigued.” He said simply.
Draco glanced away, his eyes resting on Teddy who was pointing at one of the pictures on the side of the truck. It wasn't that he was unaware that he was attractive, he was quite used to both male and female attention in that regard – although the latter wasn't always entirely welcome. It was just he had never been pursued so intently.
Draco could feel Harry's gaze on him, waiting for his answer. To say he was flattered by Harry's attention was an understatement, Harry was just his type; tall, dark and mysterious – as cliché as that was – and Draco couldn't deny his interest.
His gaze slid back to Harry, who was watching him, his expression so cautiously hopeful Draco had to bite his lip to stop his laughter from bubbling out. Harry's eyes flickered quickly to where his lip was caught between his teeth and Draco couldn't hold back his smile any longer.
“Okay.”
“Yeah?” Harry's voice was full of barely suppressed delight.
“Yeah.” Draco nodded, laughing slightly when Harry's face lit up at Draco's acceptance.
“Okay, Great!” He beamed, his hand reaching up to rub the back of his head, causing his hair to fluff up further. “Awesome! That's really, really awesome.”
Draco grinned and Harry coughed, a blush appearing on his face. “Or something, you know, a little less over-enthusiastic.”
Draco smirked at Harry's embarrassed demeanour. Gone was the suave, confident man who had seemed so assured of himself, and in his place was a man who was just as nervous as he was. Draco was glad he wasn't the only one affected by the other's proximity.
“I'm okay with enthusiasm.” Draco smiled, lowering his lashes demurely. Harry licked his lips and Draco's eyes followed the movement, heat curl in his belly. Their eyes met and the air felt thick, only the sound of screaming children stopped Draco from pouncing on the darker man.
He took a step back and sucked in an unsteady breath, closing his eyes against the intensity of Harry's stare.
When he spoke, Harry's voice was rough. “Tonight? At eight?”
Draco's eyes slid open slowly and he nodded, noting that Harry had also moved back.
“Where?”
He didn't care if it sounded eager, in his opinion eight was too far away. But he supposed he should be grateful for the opportunity to take a breather and get his head back on straight.
Harry pulled out a sharpie from his pocket and a scrap bit of paper that looked like it had been torn from a notebook and quickly scribbled a name and address and handed it to Draco. His handwriting was fast and spiky, and leaned to the left suggesting quick thought and creativity. Draco didn't recognise the name of the pub, but the address was familiar and he knew he would be able to find it.
Draco looked back at Harry who snapped the lid back onto the pen with a sharp click and stuffed it inside his pocket.
“Is that okay?” He asked, nodding to the paper in Draco's long fingers. “Its a great place. The ambiance is nice and the food even better.”
“It sounds great.” Draco assure him, folding the piece of paper carefully into his pocket. “Shall I meet you there?”
“If you prefer.” Harry nodded.
It was something Draco usually insisted on for the first two or three dates. One never knew when a date could go sour and having a reliable getaway was a comfort. He seriously doubted, however, that he would need to with Harry, but it was always better to have a just in case.
Their conversation was broken by a child's voice calling out to Harry. They both turned to see Teddy waving impatiently at Harry.
“I'm being summoned.” Harry laughed. He was more relaxed, the cheeky smile back in place now he had Draco's confirmation. “I should probably go before his Highness gives himself an aneurysm.”
Draco nodded, smiling internally at the exasperated fondness in Harry's voice.
“Alright.” Draco's voice was amused without him giving it permission to be so. “I'll see you tonight.”
Harry nodded and took a step back, and then another, backing up slowly. He gave Draco a strange half wave and promptly turned around, his pace quickening. He'd only gone a few paces when he abruptly turned back around, a cocky smirk quirking his lips.
“That blue looks good on you.” He called, gesturing to Draco's powder blue jacket with one hand, the other running once more through his already dishevelled hair. He ignored the other parents and children around them, the corner of his eyes crinkling in a way that was far to adorable for a grown man, for God's sake. “It brings out your eyes.”
And with that he turned back around. Draco stared at his retreating form, not even bothering to pretend he wasn't watching Harry's arse in those snug jeans, feeling the side-ways looks he was getting and not caring one bit. He smiled as he watched Harry pick up a giggling Teddy, hoisting him up from under the shoulders and placing him on his own. Teddy shrieked with laughter, his fingers tangling themselves into Harry's wild mane for balance as Harry bounced playfully on the balls of his feet, gripping Teddy's ankles. Beside them Andromeda laughed, one hand instinctively reaching up to hover behind Teddy in case he fell.
Draco took in the happy scene for a moment, letting it fill him with a warmth that could not be touched by the February cold. Then, burrowing down into his scarf, he turned and pushed his fingers into his pocket, felling the edges of the paper crinkle against his skin.
_____---_____---_____
“For the last time Pans, I said no.”
Draco wove through the different exhibitions, making a note on his clipboard of what was already being showcased. They were going to have a new shipment over the weekend and he needed to make sure he was ready to deal with it come Monday morning.
Something that was becoming increasingly difficult to do with his so called best friend hounding him since he made the mistake of revealing why he had been late to work.
“Oh, spare me Draco.” She huffed, tucking her alarmingly razor-straight black hair behind one ear.
“What part of No do you not understand?” He questioned, his eyes on his clipboard. He didn't need to see her face to know she was rolling her eyes at him.
“You are going to say yes.” Pansy stated, tapping her immaculate fingernails on his clipboard to get him to look at her.
“I'm really not.” He dismissed, turning to walk back to his office.
He heard the click of her heels against the polished oak flooring as she followed him. She'd obviously realised she was getting nowhere with this and tried a different tactic.
“Please?”
He rolled his eyes, safe in the knowledge that she couldn't see him. “No.”
He dropped the clipboard onto his assistant's desk as he walked passed, tapping it meaningfully in a way that told her it was to be done immediately, and with meticulous care. She nodded quickly, her ponytail bobbing.
“Why not?” Pansy whined, sounding a lot like her teenage self rather than the successful young woman she had come to be. “You know you'll have more fun! Let me help.”
“Its just a dinner date. I'm not going to go through my entire wardrobe.” He didn't bother closing the door as he walked into his office, knowing it wouldn't slow her down in the slightest.
Pansy scoffed, crossing the threshold and muttered under her breath, “Because that would take months.”
Draco glared at her as he sank onto his high-backed leather office chair at his black monochrome and glass desk. She sniffed, unperturbed by his chilling expression, and settled onto the side of his desk, crossing one leg primly over the other.
“It's not just a dinner date though. I've never seen you like this. You've been distracted all morning, dropping things and forgetting stuff.” She peered down at him, concern and confused wonder in her eyes.
“He must be something else.” She murmured.
Draco blushed under her scrutiny and glanced away, his eyes falling on his assistant typing diligently at her computer. Pansy suddenly sat back abruptly, her expression of concern melting back into its usual upturned look.
“Please?”
Draco groaned, leaning back in his chair and throwing his arm over his eyes. “For God's sake, No!”
“Please!”
“No.”
“Please!”
“No!”
“I can do this all day, you know.” She threatened.
Draco ignored her, pinching the bridge of his nose with his long, slender fingers.
“Please, please, please, please, please, please, plea-”
“Okay!” Draco cried, giving in, sitting up and throwing his hands up to stop her mid-flow. “Okay, damn it! Fine!”
“Yay!” She squealed triumphantly, clapping her hands together. She leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. “I'll be there when you get home.” She promised, hopping down from the desk and ignoring his half-hearted protest.
“Ciao, darling.” She called over her shoulder, grabbing her – fake, of course – fur-lined chocolate brown coat from the coat-rack as she passed. He heard her call out a chirpy farewell to his assistant, pleased to have gotten her way once more.
Draco collapsed back against his chair, barely suppressing a groan and wondering fervently if it was too early to break out the whiskey.
A stifled giggle broke through his contemplation. His assistant was standing by his door, a black folder in her hands and a badly concealed grin on her face.
“What is it, Myrtle?” He sighed, feeling a headache start to brew behind his eyes.
She managed to control her expression into a much more professional smile.
“Your two o'clock is here, sir.” she said, adjusting her glasses and hurrying forward to place the thick folder on his desk. He glanced down at the embossed script on the front of the folder and sighed again. He couldn't reschedule this one.
He stood and adjusted his waistcoat. “Alright,” he nodded, “Show them in.”
____---____---____
Draco peered out of the windscreen at the establishment across the street, Pansy sat in the driver's seat after insisting (and once again winning) to drive him over. Draco hadn't had the energy – or the mental concentration with every minute that slid by – to argue with her.
She was quiet for once, letting Draco gather his thoughts. His mind flitted back to that morning, wondering if Harry really was everything he remembered. Surely his caffeine deprived brain had exaggerated most of it. No-one could have eyes that green, right?
“If you're thinking about backing out, I will personally kick your skinny arse, Draco Malfoy.” Pansy stated, obviously getting tired of the silence.
“I'm not.” Draco muttered, running a hand through his silken tresses.
“You better not.” Pansy said darkly. “This guy sound far to good to be true.”
Draco tilted his head back against the headrest. “Exactly.”
He could feel Pansy's gaze boring into the side of his temple, but did not turn to meet it. That was until her hand shot out to slap him across the chest.
“Ow!” He yelped, sitting bolt upright and rubbing his torso. “What the Hell was that for?”
“Don't you dare start getting maudlin! Malfoys do not do insecurities. They do not mope or sulk, and they definitely do not let something great and potentially life changing pass them by!” She declared sharply.
He stared at her.
“You've been spending far to much time with Mother.” He muttered under his breath.
She smirked at him.
“Come on Drey, put on your big boy panties, march in there and knock that guy's socks off.”
“You know I hate it when you call me that.” He glared at her.
She raised a perfectly arched eyebrow at him before silently pointing at the pub, a wordless order to get the hell out.
He chuckled internally at her expression, but opened the door. She was right, he was being pathetic.
He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her soft cheek, watching her soften as he murmured a quiet, “Thank you, Pansy. Where would I be without you?”
“I shudder to think about it.” She giggled. “Now, go blow him away.” And waggling her eyebrows suggestively added, “And if you're lucky, actually blow him.”
Draco groaned, “That was awful, Pans. Truly.”
He climbed out, shivering slightly in the winter night. He heard the driver door open and glanced back to see Pansy's head pop up over the roof of the car, a mischievously coy expression on her features.
“I mean it, Draco. I better not see you in the morning. I will be most displeased.”
Draco shook his head in amusement.
“I'll keep that in mind.” He drawled.
He turned towards the pub as she slid back into the car, the door slamming and the engine humming to life. He glanced up and down the car-lined road before crossing to the other side, jogging slightly as he reached the door, his body craving the warmth that emanated from the pub.
Inside was cosy and rustic with exposed brickwork and low-hanging beams. The interior was furbished with browns, reds, and golds giving off a homely and welcoming feel. Draco spotted Harry almost immediately amongst the crowd, lounging carelessly against the bar chatting to a busty red-headed barmaid. Before he could make any conscious decision on how he felt about that, it was rendered moot as Harry straightened, a grin splitting his face wide as he noticed Draco walking towards him. Draco pushed away the fluttery feeling in his chest at the sight and couldn't help his own grin from curving his lips.
Apparently his memory was not only intact, but also woefully understated. If anything, Harry's eyes were somehow greener than he remembered. How on earth was that possible?
“You came!”
Draco shivered at the low baritone of Harry's voice. Could this guy get any fucking hotter? Like Draco he'd obviously changed clothes for the date. His leather jacket was folded over a nearby barstool, his legs clad in charcoal grey, thigh-hugging jeans, and a dark green button down with the sleeves rolled over his elbows was taunt across his broad shoulders.
“Of course.” Draco replied, shrugging off the coat Harry had complimented that morning. Pansy had insisted he wore it. “Why wouldn't I?”
Harry's eyes followed the movement; taking in the snug, white turtleneck and sharp, black slacks, before snapping back to meet Draco's. Draco smirked internally, vowing not to tell Pansy she had been right. She didn't need her ego fluffed any further.
“I had kind of convinced myself you were just humouring me.” He shrugged, his fingers curling around the neck of a beer bottle sat on the bar-top, his thumb circling the rim.
“But still you came?” Draco questioned curiously, pushing his own sleeves up to his elbows.
“Well, if there was a slight chance you might turn up, I would have kicked myself if I had missed you.” Harry chuckled quietly. His eyes slid once more down Draco's form, taking his time and evidently not caring if Draco caught him.
“What would you have done if I hadn't showed?” Draco asked, mimicking Harry's relaxed pose against the bar.
“Nursed a large glass of whiskey before heading home to brood.” Harry flashed him a smile and bringing his beer to his lips, “Speaking of which, what are you having?”
“Same as you is fine.” Draco nodded to the bottle in Harry's hand, noting the abrupt change of subject, but letting it slide.
Harry gestured to the woman he had been talking to earlier, who quickly pulled out another bottle, expertly popping the lid off and placing it in front of Draco. He nodded his thanks and she smiled at him flirtatiously, before turning to Harry.
“You want me to put that on your tab, Honey?” She asked, already typing up the addition.
“Thanks, Rosmerta.” Harry threw her a smile as she walked away to tend to other patrons.
“Come here often?” Draco queried teasingly, lifting his bottle to his lips.
“Sometimes,” Harry acquiesced, his gaze following the movement, “Two of my friends own this place.”
Before either of them could say any more, a dark-skinned girl approached them wearing a uniform of dark jeans, a plain black t-shirt, and a small apron. She smiled professionally and greeted them politely.
“Your table is ready now, Mr Potter.” She motioned for them to follow her.
Harry grabbed his jacket and his half-drunken beer and gestured for Draco to go first. Draco wondered if Harry was just being polite or if he was using the opportunity to check out his arse. He found he didn't really mind if that was the case.
The waitress led them out of the main room towards the back of the adjoining lounge where it was quieter. The lighting was dimmer, more intimate, the background music softer. She stopped at square booth in the corner and waited for them to get settled before asking if they wanted any more drinks.
Harry glanced to Draco who nodded. "Another beer, please." He smiled, "And a Coke for me, Romilda."
The girl quickly wrote down the order on her mini jotter, ducking her head slightly in an attempt to hide the blush that spread across her cheeks at Harry's use of her name. Draco shot Harry a look, who rolled his eyes slightly but showed no other sign that he had noticed.
Romilda lifted her head, her professional smile back in place, "Okay, I'll be right back with those and I'll take your order." She pulled out two menus from her apron pocket and handed them over before taking her leave.
"A coke?" Draco asked, watching Harry drain the last of his beer, his eyes lingering on the way Harry's lips curved around the rim of the bottle.
"I'm driving." Harry said by way of explanation. He set the bottle down and met Draco's gaze. Draco admired the way the soft lighting fell across Harry's cheekbones, feeling his throat go dry as he realised once more just how attractive Harry was.
Harry looked like he was having similar thoughts, if his expression was anything to go by and Draco took a hasty sip of his drink, willing himself not to blush.
“How did you get here?” Harry asked, leaning towards Draco across the table.
“A friend of mine drove me over.” He said, tracing the rim of the bottle with the tip of his pointer finger. “She was rather, uh... enthusiastic about this.” He admitted.
Harry chuckled softly. “Will she be driving you back?” There was no mistaking the question in Harry's eyes.
“Well, that depends.” He answered archly, smirking at Harry and laughing internally when his eyes widened as he understood what Draco was implying.
“Okay then.” Harry coughed, diverting his attention back to the menu. Draco smiled inwards, Harry was cute when he was flustered.
Draco took his cue from Harry and dropped his eyes to the menu, but he'd gotten no further than scanning past the starters when Romilda popped up beside them and set down their drinks. The both started, having been engrossed in the little bubble they had created, but Romilda gave no sign she had noticed.
“Are you ready to order?” She asked, pulling out her jotter and a pencil.
Draco gestured for Harry to go first, having not had enough time to pursue his choices.
Harry scanned the menu quickly before sighing ruefully.
“I'll just stick with my usual, I think.” He said, handing the menu back to Romilda, who tucked it under her arm and turned to Draco expectantly.
Draco glanced back down to his menu but nothing seemed to jump out at him.
“I'll have what he's having.” He said, holding the menu out.
“That's bold.” Harry said in surprise as Romilda headed back to the kitchen. “How do you know you'll like it?”
Draco shrugged, “I trust you.”
Harry's eyebrows rose but he smiled, pleased.
Draco leaned towards him, resting his arms on the table and cocking his head to one side. “So, how do you know my Aunt?”
“I'm Teddy's godfather.” Harry replied, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion as he too leaned across the table. “No-one told you?”
“I knew he had a godfather, I just didn't know it was you.” Draco explained. “You're younger than I expected.”
Harry chuckled, “I'm twenty-seven. That's not that young any more.”
Draco raised an eyebrow, ignoring that last comment. “Considering you were about twenty-one when Teddy was born, that's quite young to become someone's godfather.”
“That's true.” Harry laughed, taking a sip of his drink. “I was completely hopeless at first, I was so worried I was going to drop him. He was so small.” Harry smiled down at the table, his expression fond as he remembered. “Remus was very patient with me, Tonks just laughed at me.”
Draco chuckled, seeing it clearly in his head. “That sounds like Nym.”
He'd only seen photos of Teddy as a baby, having only met him when the child was four after his mother decided that she wanted to get back in touch with her older sister. Harry seemed to sense Draco's next question because he continued without needing any prompting.
“Remus was one of my dad's best friends, he's basically an uncle to me.”
Draco could hear the fondness in his voice, the obvious respect and affection that coloured his words as he spoke of the older man, but something about the way Harry held himself – or maybe the look in his eyes - told Draco that family was a sensitive subject. He couldn't explain how he knew, he just did.
“Well they obviously made a good choice, you're very good with him.” Draco stated, attempting to steer the conversation towards safer grounds and remembering the easy manner Harry had with the little boy. “He clearly adores you.”
Harry flushed at the praise. “Well, he's a brilliant kid. I don't have any siblings, but I imagine this is what having a nephew or a little brother is like.”
“I wouldn't know,” Draco responded, “I don't have either of those.”
“Teddy is technically like your nephew, in a manner of speaking. And he does call you uncle.” Harry pointed out.
“True.” Draco conceded with a nod. “But that could just be because 'Cousin Draco' sounds strange to a child.”
“There is that.” Harry nodded, smirking slightly.
Draco licked his lips, feeling something warm wash over him. He felt comfortable with Harry, they talked easily and the chemistry between them was obvious. He felt like he'd known Harry for years despite having only met the man that morning. It surprised him in a way that didn't surprise him at all.
Their conversation was halted by the arrival of their food – which turned out to be a deconstructed gourmet beef burger on top a bed of salad leaves, the buttered seeded buns propped on the side, and a basket of thickly cut, golden chips to share between them.
“Dean!” Harry cried, getting up to embrace the dark-skinned man who had brought over their food. “I thought you were still in Bristol?”
“I got back a few days ago.” The newcomer – Dean – said, pulling back from Harry and clapping him on the shoulder. “Everyone got sick so I came back before I could catch it.”
He glanced down at Draco, who was watching the exchange with interest, his eyes appraising.
“I let Romilda take her break.” He said, looking back at Harry, and his voice turned pointed. “I wanted to meet your friend.”
Harry laughed at the man's tone. “Dean, this is Draco,” he introduced them, “Draco, this is Dean, an old friend from school. He and his husband own the place.”
“Nice to meet you.” Draco held out his hand for Dean to shake.
“Likewise,” Dean grinned, “Harry hardly ever dates, I was curious to see who caught his eye.”
Draco raised an eyebrow, wondering if he was being tested.
“Don't be a prat, Dean.” Harry said good-naturedly, shoving his friend lightly on the shoulder.
“Sure thing, Saviour.” Dean replied, smirking when Harry groaned.
“Seriously? Will you please stop calling me that?” He sounded as if they'd had this conversation many times before. Draco shot him a quizzical look.
“Stupid high school nickname.” He muttered.
The name sounded vaguely familiar to Draco, and it took him a moment to place it.
“As in Godric's Saviour?” he questioned.
“How did you know that?” Harry asked, whilst Dean laughed in delight.
“Because I played for Salazar Academy. We had a game with you every year.” Draco responded, remembering the times he had played against Godric High, as well as Ravenclaw Institute and Hufflepuff Secondary school.
“Well this is an interesting turn of events.” Dean laughed. “I'll leave you two to it, I think.” He turned to Harry and punched him lightly on the shoulder. “Don't be a stranger, Mate.”
“Course.” Harry replied.
Dean smiled at Draco who nodded back.
“Oh, and Seamus said this is on the house,” Dean held up his hand, anticipating Harry's protest and waving it away. “We insist.”
Harry grumbled as Dean walked away and Draco couldn't help but laugh at his expression.
“My friends are idiots.” He huffed.
“Why?” Draco asked, picking up a fluffy chip and taking a delicate bite. He chewed it thoughtfully. It was good, lightly seasoned, crispy on the outside and softer than air on the inside. “For giving us free food?”
“It sounds reasonable when you put it like that.” Harry sighed, taking a bite of his own food. “So you played in High School?”
“Midfielder,” he nodded, “Then as Striker during Sixth Form.”
Harry frowned in thought. “I don't remember you.” he said apologetically.
“I didn't make the main team till year ten, and I was three years behind you.” Draco explained.
Harry's eyebrows shot up. “You're twenty-four?”
Draco smirked at Harry's surprise. “Yes.”
Harry sat back in his seat. “I thought you were older.”
Draco stilled.
“Does that change things?” he asked carefully.
“No.” Harry shook his head. “Unless it does for you?”
Draco relaxed. “Definitely not.”
The two men shared a smile as the unspoken words hung in the air. They returned to their food, their conversation flowing easily. They spoke further about their school days, Harry explaining (very reluctantly) where his nickname had come from. He had transferred to Godric High when he was fifteen and was recruited to the team when their captain saw him sprint to the bus one afternoon. He had been made striker immediately, and as well as being very fast, he was ruthless in his determination and attempted moves that others would not.
From school they moved on to friends. Draco was very careful not to pry into anything Harry seemed reluctant to talk about. It was only their first date after all, it wasn't as if they had to spill their entire life story in one go. Harry told Draco about Ron and Hermione, his best friends, who had gotten married the previous summer. Harry's love for his friends was obvious, and they were clearly very close. Draco felt an irrational flash of jealously flair up as Harry recounted stories of adventurer and drama.
In turn, Draco talked about Pansy, his very best friend, practically his sister, and how they had known each other since before they could walk. He talked about Blaise and Theo from school, and Luna who he'd met at University. She was an artist and Draco explained how he had liked to study by the lake. One day, during the autumn term, he had sensed someone sitting next to him and looked up to find a pale, blonde girl wearing paint splattered, off-white overalls over a thick-knit pink and yellow stripped jumper, with odd matching socks and green wellington boots sat cross-legged across from him. She'd had a huge sketch book propped on her knees, a necklace made of corks and beer bottle caps and was drawing Draco in oil pastels, her fingers covered in different colours. Her hair had been in a messy bun, most of it falling down over her shoulders, with a paintbrush and a pencil stuck in it. She had seemed unconcerned at being caught by her muse, and Draco had been so shocked he had stared at her for a full minute before asking her what the hell she thought he was doing.
Harry had been in stitches over Draco's description of Luna and their bizarre friendship that still bemused him to that day. Talk of Luna had led to Draco mentioning his Art Gallery and their current showcase of local artists. He explained how he wanted to support the local art community and give new and unknown artists a chance to showcase – and perhaps sell - their work. He sometimes rented out unused space to the nearby Universities and schools who wanted to put on an 'end of year' show for their students.
Harry talked about his own students, boisterous, rambunctious six and seven year olds who were far too shrewd for their own good. He expressed amusement at Draco's surprise over his career choice.
“You don't think I'd make a good teacher?” He'd asked as Romilda took their plates away.
“It's not that, I just didn't image you as a teacher.” Draco replied. “I was thinking something more along the lines of law enforcement.”
Harry laughed loudly at that, causing the few nearby to turn their heads.
“It's funny you should say that.” He chortled, his eyes dancing in the low lighting. “That was my first choice.”
“Really?” Draco leaned towards Harry. “What happened?
Harry shrugged, “Turned out it wasn't really my thing.” He chuckled then, “Apparently, I'm not very good at taking orders. I left after a few months.”
“What happened then?”
“I floundered for about a year. I did odd jobs here and there, but nothing seemed right.” Harry gazed thoughtfully down at his fingers, which were intertwined on the table-top. “Then Remus got really sick and Tonks had to take time off work to take care of him. She was struggling with both him and a three year old Teddy, so I told her I'd take care of him when she needed a break. I took him to school and back, went grocery shopping with him when Tonks was to tired. I started helping out at the nursery that he went to and realised I love being around kids. I started looking into teaching, talked to Teddy's Headteacher about what I would have to do. I didn't tell anyone until Remus got better and Tonks went back to work. Everyone was really encouraging and three years later, here we are.”
“And you enjoy it?” Draco asked, although it wasn't really necessary as anyone with half a brain could see just how much Harry loved it.
Harry's answer was enthusiastic and he spent some time recounting some of the more wild shenanigans his students had gotten up to.
They talked well into the night, neither of them noticing just how much time was passing by, too caught up in each other. Draco couldn't believe how much they had in common, or just how easy it was to talk to Harry. It was so comfortable, like slipping into a hot bath at the end of a long day. And that was not to mention the underlining stream of delicious tension that fizzed and hummed every time their eyes met. Draco couldn't help but watch the way that Harry's lips moved with every word they formed, or the way his throat worked when he threw his head back and laughed. Draco couldn't ignore they way that Harry's voice made him feel, or the flair of heat in his stomach whenever Harry ran a hand through his unruly locks. He knew that Harry was watching him in the same way and the knowledge that Harry found him just as attractive, just as distracting, only made his desire burn hotter.
It was only when – hours later – a blond man with a lilting Irish accent threatened to kick them out, friend or not, that Harry suggested they make a move.
“So... have I earned you the right to drive you home?” He asked, his expression endearingly hopeful.
Draco hummed thoughtfully, dropping his eyes to the table top and running a finger over a knot in the wood.
“That depends,” he murmured, remembering Pansy's words as she kicked him out of the car. Slowly, he raised his eyes to gaze at Harry through his lashes. “How far away is your place?”
____---____---____
The interior of Harry's basement flat was open and welcoming, with a miss-match of old and modern furniture that somehow worked harmoniously together. The kitchen was along the side of the flat and along with the dining and living rooms was open plan. There were two doors at the back which Draco assumed lead to the bathroom and bedroom.
Harry walked into the kitchen calling out to Draco to make himself comfortable. Draco puled of his coat and draped it across the back of one of the armchairs, looking about himself in interest. His eye caught on a wall absolutely covered in an array of framed photographs, canvas' and paintings. They were arranged in a fashion Draco couldn't make sense of but was somehow aesthetically pleasing.
He moved closer, taking in all the different colours and memories. His eyes lingered on a strip of photos, like the kind you get at a photo booth, depicting a younger Harry smiling widely with a laughing red-headed man and a grinning dark-skinned girl who were obviously (from the description Harry had given him) Ron and Hermione. Draco smiled at the happy scene, the strong bond between them evident even in print. Draco searched for them in the other photos and found that they featured in most of them, along side a whole host of red-headed people that Draco understood to be the Weasleys, Ron's family, and a few other familiar faces that Draco recognised as Dean and Seamus, Remus, Tonks, and Teddy. There were a few Draco didn't recognise; a chubby teenager holding a frog, a blond boy with a camera, and a handsome, dark haired man leaning against a sleek black motorbike.
Draco felt Harry walk up behind him and turned, smiling as he accepted the glass of wine Harry held out.
“Thanks.” He murmured, turning back to the photo of the dark haired man. “Who's that?”
He had a feeling he knew who the person was, but wanted Harry to confirm it.
Harry smiled when he saw who Draco was referring to. “Sirius Black, my godfather.”
Draco nodded to himself. He recognised the name of course, and marvelled internally at just how interwound his and Harry's lives already were. How had they not met before then?
“He died, didn't he?” Draco didn't want to push, but he was curious.
Harry nodded, “When I was nineteen.”
Draco winced, “I'm sorry.” The words felt lame, but there wasn't much else he could say.
Harry was quiet for a moment, his index finger reaching out to brush the frame.
“He was my dad's best friend.” Harry said, pointing to another picture, this one faded, of four boys, around fifteen or so, grinning widely at the camera. Sirius had his arms around a much younger Remus and a boy who looked the spitting image of Harry. On the doppleganger's other side was a small mousey looking boy who looked awed and excited to be included.
Draco pointed to Harry's look-a-like, “Your dad?”
Harry nodded, “James Potter,” he pointed to another photo where an older James had his arm around a laughing red-headed girl with Harry's green eyes, “And my mum, Lily.”
“You have her eyes.” Draco remarked. “And her smile.”
Harry laughed, gazing at the photo of his parents. “Everyone says that. Usually its preceded by, Wow, you look so much like your dad!”
“Well, people often go for the obvious in lieu of original thought.” Draco stated, feeling warm when Harry laughed.
“We should toast to that, I think.” Harry grinned, holding up his glass.
Draco chuckled in agreement, “To the obvious.”
“To the obvious.” Harry echoed, clinking his glass against Draco's.
They held each others eyes as they drank, and Draco felt a shiver of heat slide up his spine. Harry's gaze was liquid hot and Draco had no delusions about where this was headed. He took Harry's glass gently from his fingers and set it down on the coffee table with his own. Harry's eyes were fixed on him when Draco turned back around and they widened when he stepped closer, closing the distance between them. Their fingers slid together and twined and Draco's breath caught in his throat at the feeling something as simple as holding Harry's hand caused. Harry's eyes fluttered closed at the touch.
“Do you...” he murmured, opening his eyes lazily and licking his lips. “Do you want to see my snake?”
“What?”
Draco took a step back, his eyes wide at Harry's words.
Harry's jaw went slack an he jumped forward. “Shit! Did I say that out loud?”
“Yes, you did.” Draco wasn't sure whether he should laugh at Harry's panicked expression or not. “And that was by far the most awful come-on I've ever heard.”
“Shit, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that, I swear!” Harry said vehemently. “You make my brain go mushy. I meant an actual snake. I have a pet snake.”
Draco softened slightly. “What's wrong with a cat? Or a dog?”
Harry looked relieved when Draco made no move to leave. “Where's the fun in that?”
“Where indeed.” Draco murmured, but gestured for Harry to lead the way.
When Harry opened the door to what was clearly his bedroom, Draco raised an eyebrow.
“Not exactly making a case for yourself, Potter.” He teased, following Harry into the room.
Harry grinned at Draco's tone and crossed the room to a large glass tank in the corner. He reached inside and after some soft coxing, lifted out a beautiful pale yellow snake with faint white coils about two foot long. Draco approached carefully as the snake curled its body around Harry's arm. Harry seemed to be talking quietly, but when Draco got close enough he could hear the soft hissing sounds Harry was making. The sibilant sounds sent shivers running over Draco's skin, and not in an unpleasant way.
As Draco approached, Harry turned to face him, “Draco, this is Kalia.” He said, his voice soft, but not whispering. “She's a California King snake.”
“She's beautiful.” Draco said, taking his cue from Harry and keeping his voice soft. He reached out to stroke her back, but hesitated, waiting for Harry's nod before touching her.
“She's not venomous or poisonous, but she does have a pretty powerful bite.” Harry explained, sound for all the world like he was talking about a normal pet.
“Would you like to hold her?
Draco's eyes widened and he shook his head forcefully.
Harry chuckled, “Scared, Malfoy?” he teased.
Draco's eyes hardened and he smirked. “You wish.”
Harry carefully lifted Kalia and set her on Draco's shoulders, demonstrating how to hold himself so Kalia could move freely. Draco tensed when he felt Harry's hand slide down his back in a soothing manner, coming to rest at the base of his spine.
He eyed Harry shrewdly, almost forgetting that there was a snake slowly winding her way down his arm.
“If this was just a ploy to grope me...” he trailed off, unsure how to finish that sentence because, lets be honest, he wouldn't be adverse to some groping... or any form of touching really.
“Do I need a reason to touch you.” Harry asked quietly, his eyes like two pools of liquid jade.
Draco shivered slightly at the intensity of Harry's gaze. Neither man was paying any attention to the snake any more, far to caught up in each other.
“Do you have any idea how hot you look right now?” Harry breathed.
Draco's eyes darkened. “You like me touching your snake, do you? He murmured. Harry smirked at the continuation of the awful pun.
Draco carefully stepped away from Harry and gently lowered Kalia back into her home. He slid the lid shut and flicked the latch to lock it before turning back to Harry.
“I'm sure there's much more fun things we can do with your other snake.” And with that he pulled Harry into a bruising, heat-filled kiss that left them both reeling, desperately craving more.
Harry groaned into the kiss, his hands flying to grip Draco's hips, tugging him closer. Their mouths moulded together and Harry's tongue traced Draco's lips, sliding past into the heat of his mouth when they parted.
Draco slid his fingers up over Harry's broad shoulders and into his unruly hair like he had been wanting to do since that morning. The strands were softer than Draco imagined and he tugged on them softly, needing to be closer to Harry than physically possible
Harry gasped into Draco's mouth, the sound hot and filthy. He twisted them around and shoved Draco forcefully into the wall, pressing the entire length of his body against Draco's in the most delicious way possible and sliding a knee between Draco's thighs. Draco moaned into Harry, arching, seeking more. Harry rocked their hips together, feeling their cloth covered arousals press together desperately.
Draco couldn't think, his mind filled with nothing but Harry, Harry, Harry!
He gasped out loud when Harry tore himself away from Draco's lips, tugging down the neck of the turtleneck he's still wearing for some inexplicable reason, and latched onto his pulse point, sucking hard.
Draco wasn't aware any more of the noises he was making. Harry made him feel like his skin was on fire, like there was something needy and wild inside him desperate to get out. No one has ever made him feel like this. No one has ever kissed him like this. Like he's the last breath on earth, the final ray of the sun.
When Harry tugged his earlobe into the wet heat of his mouth and whispered and husky, desperate, “Stay.” Draco pulled his lips back to his hungrily.
He had no intention of leaving.
____---____---____
Monday morning finds Pansy sat impatiently on top of the reception desk, her polished nails tapping a quick beat in the monochrome surface, ignoring the young girl behind her, quietly tapping away at the keyboard.
It was ten to ten and Draco's usually arrived by nine thirty at the latest. This coupled with the fact that she hasn't seen or heard from him for the entire weekend since she kicked him out of her car has her restless and eager for information.
Just then, a sleek black motorcycle pulls up outside the gallery, and through the floor to ceiling windows Pansy can see quite clearly as the tall man wearing a powdered blue coat disembarks from the bike, pulling off the helmet as the leather wearing driver does the same.
Pansy's jaw drops when Draco's admirer comes into view, because holy fuck! Draco has really stepped up his game.
The glass prevents Pansy from hearing what's being said, but it does nothing to stop her from watching the dark haired man throw his head back and laugh, before pulling Draco into a kiss so scorching it would have melted her brain had she been the one to receive it.
Hours later – or more precisely, a few minutes later – they break apart, smiling at each other in a way that tells Pansy the date went very well indeed, and that there will definitely be more dates – and kisses – in the future.
Pansy watches as Draco steps back and his lover bends low over the bike-handles, zooming off down the road. Draco turns around and enters the building, running a hand through his hair, the smile on his face one that Pansy will definitely be teasing him about mercilessly later.
He must sense her presence because his head snaps up, his eyes filling with horror as he watches Pansy hop down from the desk, cackling gleefully.
“Tell me everything!”
END.
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Happy Dralentine’s Day!
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Witchcraft Asks #1-105
Original questions in my previous post!
1. Are you solitary or in a coven? Solitary
2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other? Pagan witch
3. What is your zodiac sign? Leo
4. Do you have a Patron God/dess? Artemis & Apollo. Athena & Hermes.
5. Do you work with a Pantheon? Not really.
6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or
any other kind of divination? Runes, tarot, and pendulum.
7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any) Lavender, sage.
8. How would you define your craft? I wouldn’t even know how to go about defining it…
9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do? I have only ever cast a cure once, and would only in situations where I see no other option. I’m not going to tell anyone else how to practice their craft, or judge them for how they do so.
10. How long have you been practicing? I don’t remember exactly when I started…around ten years, maybe eleven.
11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars? Have never had a familiar, but would like one.
12. Do you believe in Karma or
Reincarnation? Yes to both.
13. Do you have a magical name? Nope.
14. Are you “out of the broom closet”? Only to a couple of friends who are also witches.
15. What was the last spell you performed? Banish negativity.
16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable? Fairly so.
17. Do you write your own spells? Almost always.
18. Do you have a book of shadows?
If so, how is it written and/or set up? Yes, it’s barely started though because I’m too indecisive about how I want it set up.
19. Do you worship nature? No, but respect and honor it.
20. What is your favorite gemstone? Amethyst.
21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work? No, I don’t like using animal parts.
22. Do you have an altar? Finally set one up after years of not having one, though I’ll have to take it down when I’m not home.
23. What is your preferred element? Fire, or water, depending on my mood.
24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist? No
25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch? I don’t think so…
26. What got you interested in witchcraft? As a kid, I felt very disconnected from the religion I was raised in, but felt a draw to some higher power that I couldn’t explain, so I’d sneak onto the computer to research other religions and came across Wicca, which is where I began my path.
27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch? No
28. Have you ever used ouija? A homemade one, yes. Will never touch one again.
29. Do you consider yourself a psychic? I suppose so, though I’ve closed myself off from that for now.
30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it? Not at the moment.
31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started? That my craft doesn’t have to be the same as anyone else’s. That there is more to deity than the binary of male/female. That the goddess can represent more than just motherhood.
32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite? In small ways, yes. Yule is my favorite.
33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children? I do not plan on having children, but if I did, I would let them decide if they wanted to learn. I would never force it on them as Christianity was forced on me.
34. Do you meditate? Not anymore, but I need to.
35. What is your favorite season? Spring!
36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform? Candle, simple magick.
37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life? Having small reminders that help me feel connected with deity, like jewelry, visual reminder of an altar, or the scent of incense.
38. What is your favorite witchy movie? Don’t have one.
39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why? Don’t have one.
40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not. Honestly I can’t even remember…
41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you? Can’t think of anything too crazy at the moment.
42. What is your favourite type of candle to use? Birthday candles. I use them all the time for spells, because they burn quickly. I know that if I have to let a larger candle burn all the way down, I’ll either run out of time, or forget about it and leave it unattended.
43. What is your favorite witchy tool? Crystals, candles, runes.
44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools? I made a wand once. Am getting ready to (attempt) to make my own altar tiles.
45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fae or spirits? I worked with a gnome in college.
46. Do you practice color magic? Somewhat
47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind? I had an online mentor shortly after I started.
48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies? Screen shopping online (a.k.a. drooling over things I can’t afford), scavenging in department stores for items I can use for witchy purposes, searching outside.
49. Do you believe in predestination or fate? I think there are certain paths that are set out for us, but they are more a guidance than set in stone, and I see it as a branched path with several options.
50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice? Sit outside and feel the grass beneath me and sun above, light incense or a candle.
51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences? Quite a few.
52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve? The whole Maiden-Mother-Crone thing. As a woman who does not want kids, it’s a bit alienating. There is more to a woman than her ability/desire to bear children, but it seems that most people place so much value in that being the epitome of what it means to be a woman. A big part of why I didn’t practice for a long time.
53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent? Yes, sandalwood by far, but not the cheap fake kind!
54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind? Not anymore. The last time I did, I dreamt about someone’s death before it happened and that freaked me out.
55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster? Placing a candle in spanish moss and lighting it. The moss caught fire, then I tried to blow it out, which sent hot pieces of moss flying. Luckily nothing else caught.
56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success? Honestly, just finding a sense of belonging and peace. Finally discovering my patron goddesses and gods.
57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about? Talking to my goddesses/gods throughout the day about stupid things. (Not out loud)
58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too? Yes
59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work? Sure, but it usually falls away once I start doing the spell.
60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain? I used to, but realized my craft is whatever I want to make it. There shouldn’t be pressure and stress trying to hold yourself to a high standard. It’s not about being perfect.
61. What is something witch related that you want right now? A flower of life altar cloth or tile and more crystals.
62. What is your rune of choice? Mannaz.
63. What is your tarot card of choice? Don’t have one.. eight of cups used to always come up whenever I pulled for myself though, but I haven’t tried in a while.
64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite? Not currently. Used to use sage oil to cleanse my apartment when I lived on campus during college.
65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses? I did an online Wiccan course like ten years ago.
66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public? Not obviously pagan jewelry, but yes.
67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch? No, because the only people that know are other witches and one other good friend.
68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines? No
69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft? To an extent. It’s a good foundation to build your craft on if you know a bit of its history.
70. What are your favorite things about being a witch? The individualization. Being able to feel connected with a higher power from anywhere.
71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch? Not being able to have a permanent altar. The misrepresentation in the media.
72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band? I haven’t yet looked into specifically pagan music.
73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how? Not usually, though I’d like to.
74. Do you ever work skyclad? Never, not comfortable with that.
75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how? Very much so. It has given me confidence, strength, a sense of peace and belonging.
76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice? So many different places… many many books. Friends. Tumblr and pinterest.
77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc) Some, like the fae, gnomes, elves, ghosts. Not sure about unicorns and dragons and wyverns, etc.
78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol? Don’t think I have one.
79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not? No, I don’t find it necessary.
80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice? No, never. I don’t need someone who also practices, but they need to support and respect that I do.
81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow? I would like to use candles more often, and for more complex spells. To incorporate magic into more of everyday life.
82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice? Lavender, sandalwood. I tend to use unscented candles more so, as I usually use birthday candles for spells.
83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it? Not really, just grounding myself, maybe making a circle.
84. What real life witch most inspires your practice? My best friend from high school.
85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity? Sitting peacefully (especially outside) and just feeling their presence.
86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients? They aren’t very organized right now, partly because I don’t have much, and partly because I have no space in my room for any one storae area.
87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of? Nope.
88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it? I don’t know…not really thought that deeply about it. At this point I kind of just do what I want, as long as it feels right to me.
89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they? Hearing, seeing spirits–have since I was a child. There was one particular instance involving a ball of light and a soothing voice. I was maybe eight. I think that was really the first time I felt the calling.
90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven? I believe you can initiate yourself.
91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought? Crystals, since they were easy to find and to pass off as just a “rock collection”. Books, because I am a complete bibliophile.
92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been? Can’t think of a specific place. Old buildings though–I love feeling the energy they give off.
93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities? Do some research, but let them come to you. Don’t let someone else tell you who you’re deities should be. Your true patron/matron will probably be one that you shy away from at first, but that keeps coming back up.
94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation? I don’t meditate really.
95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it? It came easily.
96. Do you prefer day or night? Why? Night. Less people in the way. The moon and stars are out. There’s more freedom to practice my craft. It’s quieter.
97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work? Changes depending on the spell.
98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly? It went smoothly, though I think I was shy and felt a bit foolish.
99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice? I think it gets more comfortable and familiar. You gain confidence.
100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces? Kind of both at once?
101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy? Yes to all.
102. What is your favorite color and why? Purple, it’s soothing but also strong.
103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond? “So you like, do spells and stuff?” or “Do you worship the devil?” Response: “Yes.” and “No.” Generally just the one friend asking though, as almost no one knows that I’m pagan.
104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest? Sight. I tend to pick up on small details that most other people don’t. I’m more aware of my surroundings that it seems like other people are.
105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice? Grounding yourself at the end of the day.
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Soul Meets Body
Title: Soul Meets Body (AO3 Link, please visit! :) )
Author: yaoionshavedice / hesonlytiny
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Smut
Ship: Masato/Colin; MasaHiro
Words: ~30.000
Summary: “Don’t worry, no need to pay me back. This won’t make me broke.” After that, he actually put an honest smile on display; one of those that reached your eyes and made your ears move. I had to say, I was caught slightly by surprise and felt too perplexed to respond anything of importance. “Nice nose you have there, by the way.”
Notes: Not a native speaker! Please do give constructive criticism :) I know this ship is ... not rare, but rather non-existent. So I’m sure it’s hard to get into if you’re not familiar with one of those lovely men. There’s a few links and pictures on my AO3 story if you’d like to have some more information. Have fun <3
Soul Meets Body
Chapter 01
“Hey, man. Don’t wanna pester a stranger for change but … my card isn’t working. Can you lend me a buck or two?”
The weird guy in front of me lifted his head in confusion as if I had accidentally said something in Chinese instead. His tousled dark hair peeked out under his black beanie. That’s strange, I recalled myself thinking, if it weren’t for his rainwater blue eyes, I could have easily mistaken him for a fancy black-and-white painting. And because I was starting to feel awkward about this whole thing, I felt like adding a rushed “I swear I’m not a beggar, I’ll give it back to you. See, I’m not from here …”
“Obviously,” he remarked dryly and lowered his head again in search for some coins. “We don’t go around with change that often here anymore.”
Something about his accent was drawing me in; making me want to focus solely on his lips when he spoke. It wasn’t as though I was an expert on British dialects – I really couldn’t tell if he was from London or any other random place – but his words left his throat so smoothly and yet tugged so heavily on his tongue it left me befuddled.
“The credit card wave hasn’t hit Japan all that hard yet,” I laughed awkwardly but waited for a satisfying reaction from him in vain. He certainly wasn’t the extroverted happy-go-lucky type by any means. Maybe those prejudices were true after all.
“Thought you’d be from America – judging by your accent.”
At this remark, I paused for a moment. I knew he didn’t mean any harm, though I had to face this kind of reaction on a daily basis. I certainly didn’t feel a close connection to my American heritage; not like my brother did, anyway. But in the eyes of the Japanese, I wasn’t Japanese enough, either. So I forced a plain smile on my lips to conceal my caution. It had been so long since I’d actually felt offended by similar kinds of comments.
“I am. I am half.”
“Half …” he mused and finally picked out the right amount of cash I’d need to buy a sandwich and handed it to me. “Don’t worry, no need to pay me back. This won’t make me broke.”
After that, he actually put an honest smile on display; one of those that reached your eyes and made your ears move. I had to say, I was caught slightly by surprise and felt too perplexed to respond anything of importance. “Nice nose you have there, by the way.”
I immediately faced the shelves in order to avoid any suspicious glances from strangers the moment he was gone. My Japanese genes were strongly imbedded in me after all. Even at 32 years of age, I couldn’t handle a stranger complimenting me.
Paralysed with painful embarrassment, I rubbed my red cheeks and waited for my head to cool down. At least the chill from the fridges in front of me was somewhat helpful. I could act calm and collected all I wanted in my everyday concert environment – in my heart I was still a shy, reluctant person.
***
I had to admit – I kept thinking on and on about that guy ever since I had left the store. Meeting him again by chance in such an enormous city, especially considering I wasn’t living here and about to move on, was, simply speaking, luck I didn’t have to spare. Band mates were noticing I was acting kinda off. Though I didn’t want to admit it to myself that this whole thing felt, oddly enough, like two twelve-year-olds falling in love at first sight. Of course, however, I couldn’t speak for him …
I was 32. Men my age were long married by then in Japan. I had had my fair share of long relationships throughout the years, though not one of them even with the slightest potential of prevailing. I could never hold onto them, they could never catch me the way I needed them to and in the end all there was left was me and the road. I know that sounded more melodramatic than an entry in a teenager’s diary. But here I was, making fun of my love life in order not to feel too sorry for myself.
The truth was: I’d really tried it with girls. I truly had. I was attracted to them … in some way. I just never quite knew what to do with them. Hard to explain. They never stuck around and I was never too sad about that fact. I moved on. I had my plans, I had my schedules, I had my music. At first, I’d thought that I was distracting myself from all that, but that was not quite it. I would be lying if I said I did not feel the slightest bit of relief whenever one of them left. It just got to me that I’d always be left alone.
Whenever we were staying longer in the same city, we were fortunate enough to get our own private hotel rooms instead of sleeping in the tour bus. And so I sat on my bed there that night – it was already far too late – and zapped somewhat dully through the channels. That’s where I spotted him. And I felt my jaw drop to the ground.
It seemed like I had some luck left after all – even if not exactly the desired amount.
I quickly found out the name of the show he was starring in and it didn’t take long for me to unearth his name. After that, I might or might not have gulped down his Wikipedia page. He was not at all unknown. Not at all. I felt as if in shock. Not that daydreaming a little about actually getting to know him better would have been realistic by any means before that. For various reasons I should not have to list, of course. But now … this changed quite a lot, didn’t it? Contacting a stranger – hard, but not impossible. Contacting a famous stranger on the other hand? I was fucked. Just not in the good way. I just felt silly how I reacted; he really got to me. I’d seen so many different people from all over the world in these past few years – and he got to me, just like that.
Colin Morgan, the page said. One year older than me. Irish. Did quite some theatre work – Ariel in Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” undoubtedly being one of his most famous ones. Won an award for the portrayal of said role. Landed the leading part in a 5 season long running show called “Merlin”. Played in films and shows together with Tom Hardy, Chris Hemsworth Colin Firth. I was baffled.
I could see he was passionate. Talented. And oh-so invitingly magnetic. My heart did a little jump. Although, I had to admit, the situation at hand could have been worse. I wasn’t quite sure whether the stalker image suited me, but at least now I knew where he was currently performing. I had locations, I had dates. And even though I should technically feel rather lousy about it all, the general bubbling thrill prevailed. I didn’t know I had it in me, acting so stalker-ish.
“Geez.” I dropped my phone on my forehead. It bounced onto the bed with an admittedly louder thud than I’d expected. I was going crazy. Not the I-eat-ice-cream-for-breakfast-kinda-crazy but a full-on I-order-a-fishing-hat-on-amazon-so-I-can-go-feed-the-local-ducks-at-6am-in-the-morning-kinda-crazy. This was ridiculous. Each and every friend of mine would spend literal hours here laughing at me.
And I couldn’t wait seeing him again.
***
My heart was thumping in my ears; my throat; my veins. I couldn’t swallow anymore. Again, I felt like 12.
So I was standing here, right in front of The Old Vic Theatre in London, eyeing the scenery from a few cautious feet apart. I couldn’t have been luckier to have the two most important factors on my side: it was our day off between two shows and he was actually performing on stage right this day. It was late already and kind of dark, minus the street lamp lights. And busy, too. I waited here in order for him to finish his show and come out, though, to be fair, I didn’t quite know how popular he was and if I even had the chance of meeting him this way. I already felt crazy enough doing this. But I would have never forgiven myself had I not tried it at least.
I nervously rubbed my palms; even though it was unhurriedly becoming spring, the nights were still chilly enough. But just as I finished that thought, the first excited pairs of spectators left the building and started lining up right in front of it, making my blood boil hot. I could feel their excitement and rush of adrenaline on my skin; suddenly the air was filled with leftover sparks and electricity. It reminded me hugely of the energy produced at our gigs and instantly felt at home and suddenly very calm.
I stood there for maybe a few dozen minutes, I didn’t count, as the entry filled with lots and lots of waiting fans. Then, he finally appeared.
In the soft shine of the street lights, his hair shimmered wet and curled around the edges of his ears, he had to have come right from under the shower. I had to admit, however, that I felt like a big old creep lurking at him from the shadows. So I hoped he’d finish the signing session soon enough. After a while I found it fascinating that his fans did not seem to ask him for any photos with him often; he mostly just signed flyers, shirts and DVD’s.
When most had already left and he had quit talking to the last two girls, I nervously scurried a bit closer; waiting for my natural impulses to kick in and do something. Maybe I should have come closer sooner, though I still felt pathetic. But as he waved them goodbye and turned to go back inside, maybe pick up his belongings, my instincts finally did show up and so, out of fear of passing up the chance, I ran the last few steps and shouted “Hey, nice nose you have there, by the way!”
I saw him stopping in his tracks and turning around again to face the odd disturbance he had run into after such a long day. I could see he was still puzzled the first few seconds; I could see it in his eyes. But then, it finally clicked and he laughed out loud at the sight of me. And what a sight that had to have been. If one could die from cringe, this would have been my clue.
“This … is not a coincidence, is it?”
“I’m afraid not, sorry,” I scratched my head in order to have anything to do with my useless hands. “But I swear I didn’t know about you when we met.”
“So … you’re saying you’ve been stalking me?”
“Can we just stop here with all the allegations and questions?” I chuckled awkwardly at my own petty joke. But he seemed to listen and understand. “No, I’ll be honest. I saw you on TV last night. And it kind of felt like a sign … maybe?”
“That’s your honest?” he grinned, but did not look me in the eyes. Now that I stood before him for the second time, I realised that he was also quite a bit taller than I was. “Tell you what. I’ll be out in, like, another half an hour. I have to discuss something first. Meet me at The Cut in a bit?”
I was too paralysed to say anything of substance then and there, really. So I nodded and got a short but endearing smile from him in return.
My head felt dizzy as he got inside again and I was left there in the cold, yet feeling weirdly giddy and hot to the touch at the same time. I didn’t even notice the chilliness surrounding me anymore.
***
“So … you’re a tourist then?”
The waitress brought us a glass of white wine and a Gin Tonic. I thanked her.
“Not quite,” I admitted and tilted my head. The vibe in the bar was smooth and calm. The lights were dimmed and rain had started to fall; drumming a soothing melody against the wide window panes. “I’m here for work.”
“Oh?” he smirked and took a first considerate sip from his glass. “So you mean business?”
I knew what he meant but for some reason I just couldn’t fully relax in his presence, so I watched him laugh about his own joke and chuckled nervously; burying my nose in my drink. “Sorry, we might have a curious kind of humour, don’t let it bother you. I’m just bantering.”
The cold liquid ran hot and nicely stinging down my raspy throat. I nodded and put on a short smile. “Say, is it often that you go for a drink with some random guy you just met or did you just feel lonely?”
“You must be kidding, I’m a busy man,” he laughed again, his ears waggling. “I would not do so if I didn’t find you attractive in any way – if I can be that blunt with you.” He put down his glass and leaned forward a few tiny inches; his voice soft and smooth, his tongue suddenly light as air. “I mean, I assume you must be feeling the same way. Or else you wouldn’t have stalked me, right?”
“When you put it like that, it sounds so pathetic,” I grinned and shook my head; the heaviness of my thoughts and concerns slowly dripping from my shoulders. He just had this all-encompassing presence surrounding him like a fine mist; I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was strange, but in a very good way. He certainly did not look as witty and sharp as he actually was. I wasn’t used to that at all but as I warmed up to the idea bit by bit, I felt more at ease opening up to him. So I unconsciously shuffled a bit closer even. “I just couldn’t get you out of my head, frankly.”
“So that’s settled then, I guess,” I heard him muse as he swayed his wine glass in a mindful manner. Why did I feel like that this was not the first time he did something like that? “Oh, I just realised … You haven’t told me your name. I’m Colin.”
I took his hand, all the while chuckling to myself. “I know. It’s Masato Hayakawa.”
“Masato Hayakawa … Good, now that we are no strangers anymore, it’s okay for you to get inside my car, right? Only that I don’t drive a car when I’m in London, I’m afraid.”
I shook my head as I let go of his hand, evidently amused. But the sensation of his firm grip yet soft touch lingered like a spark on my skin even seconds after the hand shake. For the first time, I actually took in his body and all I could see of it. The faint rise and fall of his clothed, broad chest; almost close enough to touch and my fingertips itched so badly for it. His bare underarms, he had rolled up the sleeves of his dark wool sweater, rested nonchalantly on the small table between us. His long, delicate fingers had been fiddling with a piece of paper after our touch, as if he was drunk with thoughts – but instead he looked me right in the eye the second I lifted my gaze again. Abruptly, a sharp pain in the pit of my stomach – but an enjoyable one at that.
“I took the Underground, too,” I heard myself say in a cushioned, faint voice. Not any one of us could deny the obvious attraction we felt for each other any longer, not if we wanted to.
“Where you’re staying at?”
“You couldn’t get any blunter now, could you?
***
The second we closed the door behind us, he pushed me up right against it. With his mouth muffling my thoughts and worries, he drummed long forgotten sensations inside my veins instead; replaced the dark, twisted voices. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe. It was just him engulfing me as though there had never been anyone else.
Somewhere along the line we had lost our jackets.
It had been so long for me. Not necessarily the physical part per se; but that I actually felt something. Lust, desire, passion … I just knew that I wanted him. I didn’t think about what came after. This was the only thing that mattered right now.
I certainly wasn’t keen on admitting it, but it was so immensely pleasant to let someone else be in control that, on top of it all, was also quite a bit taller than yourself. He pressed up against me so effortlessly and stole my breath, tucked at my shirt and brushed through my damp hair. I could have sworn his hands were everywhere and surrendering to them was just so easy.
Unhurriedly, he licked the sensitive skin on my neck where my heartbeat pulsated vigorously underneath the Vena tattoo. I felt him tracing each and every stroke of black ink and I clawed at his sweater; almost desperately.
After all that, he wordlessly dropped to his knees, kissing down my hip bones towards my happy trail and then looked up.
“Whoah, whoah, you’re sure?” I exclaimed, seemingly out of breath and slightly shaky myself.
“What did you have in mind then, princess?” He did it again; just like that. Muted me with a snap of his fingers, any words of resistance I might have had – gone. Where did he take all that confidence from? No one ever called me “princess” in situations like these; but I had to admit, I liked it. “Don’t you want to feel my tongue on you?”
He licked the sensitive skin down there, unbuttoned my jeans with one hand; meanwhile, the other one dragged lazy strokes across my chest from under my shirt. It felt heavenly. “I–I do …”
“See, doll, wasn’t that hard now, was it?”
“Oh, it’s hard,” I laughed, as he finally tugged at my pants and pulled them down; my hard on tenting my briefs. He intently traced the shape of my dick before he let his hot breath flow over the fabric. I twitched. My fingers wandered intuitively towards his head; brushing through his hair, dragging at the strands. It felt so good to be with someone who knew exactly what he wanted. To feel my own fever be met with at least the same amount of hot anger and ecstasy.
I didn’t leave the hotel tonight in order to find someone to have sex with – but our bodies exhaled that kind of electricity that made you wonder if there could have been any other outcome than this one to begin with.
Finally, he slipped my shorts down to my ankles. Seeing that now the tightness of the fabric was gone and a delicate chill brushed my skin, I shuddered; overwhelmed with all these new sensations. Didn’t know I could even feel anything like this.
I couldn’t bring myself to look down, as he let his tongue wander from the base of my hard cock to the tip. I gasped, he grinned; I felt it on my skin. Assertively, I pushed my hips forward and his head closer to my groin; and instead of resisting and lecturing me in his I-know-better-voice, he obliged and took in my full length. Overwhelmed, I threw my head back against the door; eyes closed and breath drawn in sharply, his own moans muffled. I couldn’t even realise how far he could take me in without any effort whatsoever. My head felt dizzy and feverish hot.
Slowly but surely, he established a firm rhythm; one hand on my hip, the other alternating between jerking me off and massaging my balls. I didn’t even have to think about holding myself back; my first hesitant, testing thrusts now meeting his movements harder, faster and rougher. He didn’t complain at all, quite the contrary, really; under my shallow breath, I heard him moan and sob around my cock, but his pace only got more rapid.
This whole situation fucked me up so badly, I didn’t even know where my head stood anymore. Every inch of my skin prickled as though his hands were still wandering across my body. My stomach felt hot and I could not grasp a single thought. Somewhere along the line I heard him open his fly and pull out his own dick but at this point, I really could not say anything, respond to anything, let alone interfere in what he was doing. The still functioning part of my brain told me that he was about to jerk himself off while sucking my dick, even though I would have died to taste him myself, but I was not able to interrupt him.
The warm pressure and the awareness that it was this beautiful man who willingly took in my full length let me finally lose my head completely. Our matching rhythm grew hastier and more careless. Maybe I hurt him with my fast thrusts, though if I did, he seemed to like it. I desperately yanked at the locks on his head that I could reach and hold onto; moaning all the way and relishing in the fact that he was hopefully exhaling sounds of pleasure while he was choking on my cock.
“W-wait … I’m coming–“ was all I could croak out in my current state, though of course he did not stop. Then a huge wave of electricity jerked through my body; if it wasn’t pitch-black behind my eyelids to begin with, now it was.
It took me a few seconds to realise that I had come in his mouth and he was still indulgently sucking and licking at my dick; cum already swallowed.
Now I grasped that I was panting; felt the rise and fall of my own chest. My arms limp and totally out of energy; I leaned against the cold door and brushed through his damp hair. We hadn’t even turned on the lights.
“Will you stand up? I want to kiss you.”
After another soft lick, he wiped his mouth sloppily and got to his feet; still this never-disappearing kind of smirk tugging at his lips. “Sorry, I might have just ruined your shoes.”
I chuckled breathlessly. “That’s fair enough, I guess.” With my hand behind the back of his head, I pulled him closer to me until our noses and foreheads touched. I could hear his pulse. A weirdly intimate moment between two strangers; so much more affectionate and warmer than the act before. Then I finally touched his lips with mine.
A soft kiss, not rushed by any means. I could taste the faint characteristic bitterness on his tongue but it only made me love this more. I pulled him even closer to me – my fingertips still itched.
***
“That was not your first time, though, was it? With a man?”
I shook my head no but realised he could probably not see it in the dark. I lay on the big king sized bed while he stood at the open window, smoking. “No. Never had a real relationship with one, but I’ve had my fair share of flings. With one guy.”
“Did you want more?”
“No, he did.”
“I see,” he mused, exhaling slowly, probably thinking. “I’ve slept with a few guys. But I couldn’t get over this one in particular. Isn’t it always like this?”
“The irony,” I agreed, rustling on the bed sheets. Even though the street noise entered through the window and soaked our hair and minds, I still could not concentrate on any other sound than on that of him inhaling the nicotine. “What we want is what we don’t get and what we get is not what we want.”
After a while, he closed the window, had probably finished smoking, only to turn around with a huge gesture; a smile plastered all over his face in the dark. “Was he as good looking as me?”
“Oh, quite the opposite,” I blurted out before quickly realising what I had just said and started backtracking. “I– didn’t mean he’s ugly. He’s just … short, blonde, petite, bratty … very Japanese-ish. He’s the opposite of you.”
“You don’t like the opposite of me?”
Even though we just had sex, him acting so obviously flirty with me, in such a witty and positively provocative way on top of it all, still left me dumbfounded. I had never actually questioned myself why I hadn’t liked my former affair the way he had liked me. After meeting Colin, however, I wondered why I had never felt this giddy and complete with anyone I had ever been with before. It felt so easy.
All these stories about “love at first sight” … how true could they be?
Through the blurry darkness, occasionally illuminated by street lights and passing cars, I watched him stroll towards the other end of the room. “What is someone like you supposed to do with a piano inside their hotel room?”
He let his fingers glide over the wood surface, hesitantly sitting down in front of it. “What do you mean ‘someone like me’?” I laughed.
He chuckled silently to himself as he opened the cover deliberately, almost as if he was remembering some long forgotten, nostalgic memory that he had softly carried in his soul. I instantly grew more attentive; my eyes fixed on his delicate outline in the dark.
The tune he then played reached my ears only faintly but oh so very pleasantly like shallow river water you dip your naked feet in when summer is at its peak. Even though I didn’t know the song that was on his mind, I could tell it was dear to him; he had to have played it a lot gentler and slower than the original would have sounded. After a while had passed, he chimed in.
I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I'll hold you near
'Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
As always, I was a prisoner to my thoughts and inactions. My instinct told me to get closer to this melody which let the hairs on the back of my neck stand up; but instead I stood there, motionless. When will this guy stop putting me in such a constant state of awe?
“I know I’m not the best singer,” he smiled loudly. “I’m an actor after all. But, you know, when you go to classical drama school …”
“You have to have vocal training too, yeah … You’re not half as bad,” I laughed, finally finding the courage to shift closer, letting my fingers wander from his shoulder to his neck. “Your voice is a tad too low for this part, though.”
“I know,” he started to explain with a soft voice, slowly turning towards me, searching for my gaze in the darkness. “But I like it. My lovers always ever had blue eyes, you know?”
I didn’t quite know what to make of this statement, really. This new side of him, a far more insecure, maybe even affectionate side, confused me even if no man was ever just black and white. I knew I didn’t have blue eyes, is all. For some weird reason, however, I felt challenged. If I was good at one thing, it was singing after all.
Tell me how do I let go?
When all I know is to hold on
Every memory that you left
Keeps me from moving ahead
Tell me how do I let go?
I never had to say a word
It's like you always saw me through
But all you ever asked of me
Was to hold you like I always do
I never had to say a word
It's like you always saw me through
But all you ever asked of me
Was to love you like I do
Tell me how do I let go?
When all I know is to hold on
Every memory that you left
Keeps me from moving ahead
Tell me how do I let go?
Frankly, I didn’t know what I was expecting, maybe laughter or amusement – an awkward smile. But Colin kept strangely silent after I had finished the view verses of the song that I had spontaneously felt like singing. The air was electrified but painfully silent. I shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for choosing such a clichéd sad song. But now that he kept quiet, I felt a bit stupid for doing so nonetheless. This song meant a lot to me and we had yet to publish it still. I had written it a long time ago but hadn’t had the courage to come forward with it. It still hurt a lot thinking about it and thus I generally didn’t.
So I was grateful for this bizarre kind of bubble we were in right now; our own world, so to speak. It didn’t feel real and maybe the past wasn’t, either. Maybe it was the orgasm after taste, the blurry light floating through the gloom or just the general vibe. But nothing here felt like reality. I would have never opened up my heart this way to a total stranger. A stranger I just had sex with, on top of that. Someone I had just met.
“You should do that professionally, man.”
Admittedly quite startled, I could only croak out a nervous little laugh at his conclusion. I didn’t plan on telling him any time soon, really. It would then somehow feel more real; too real, to be honest. I just could not seem to keep my fingers off other well-known people in the business who were not that excited at the prospect of the common mortal finding out about it. Me neither, of course. And I didn’t want to have to deal with that yet again.
“It’s called ‘January 1st–“ I whispered into the darkness because I didn’t know what else to say.
Colin was just standing up and about to say something as well when someone knocked on the door. His lips were now mere inches apart from mine.
“Er … would you?” I hinted at the bed with a funny tone in my voice I couldn’t seem to cover up and he obliged without a word. Then I opened the door; Sugi in front of me.
“Hey … I thought I heard something. Where were you earlier?” He asked in quiet Japanese.
“Ah– sorry. I thought I’d messaged you guys. I just needed to clear my head, is all. I went for a walk.”
“Not a problem, mate,” he bumped my shoulder with his fist and then pointed behind him. “We wanted to grab a pint. Care to join us?”
“Yeah,” I contemplated; having to pause a second in order to find the right words. “I’ll be there in a minute, all right?”
Sugi nodded and left to join the others in the lobby. I stood there; irrevocably back in reality again. Erratically, I closed the door. I would have loved to live in our little bubble forever but we both probably knew that that was not possible.
“Your friends?”
“Colleagues, actually.”
“You sound hot when you speak Japanese.”
I chuckled at his flirtatious remark but it only sounded nervous in my ears. That was it, then. Going for a drink, sleeping, waking up, eating, sound check, concert, in the bus and to the next city. No time to see him again. The lump in my throat was too big to swallow at this point; I had difficulties expressing what really was on my mind.
“We’re … meeting up at the pub outside.”
“So there’s my clue to go, right?”
“I’m afraid so.”
He strolled towards me from the dark corner next to the bed; holding his hands up as though declaring truce. “Hayakawa-San, it was nice to meet you.”
Instead of the anticipated kiss, he shook my hand but quickly came around and pulled me towards him. “Will you give me your phone number?” I whispered against his lips.
“I don’t have one. I promise I’ll find you.”
“You–“ I started, confused by this statement, though could not finish my thought as he finally closed the space between us to kiss me. It was a light one, not rushed at all. No passion and yet it felt appropriate under these circumstances.
“See you around, princess!”
***
“Hi, hi! Wait, please!” Someone shouted in my general direction as I was about to get on the bus. Since the person spoke English, however, no one but me felt addressed and turned around.
It was a short, well-rounded girl with long, dark hair. She looked to be Japanese, or Asian for that matter, though her accent was unmistakably British. I put on a professional smile while I paused in my tracks and heard the others ignore this small interlude. “Yes?”
“Hi, sorry for interrupting you guys! I don’t want to bother you. It’s just that I was at your concert the other day and I didn’t get to meet you. I just wanted you to sign my CD.”
I had to admit, I was a tiny bit disappointed. For a second, how could it have been any different, I thought it might’ve been Colin saying goodbye. However, this girl seemed to be nice and I didn’t feel annoyed in any way. So I took the CD off her and chuckled softly. “What’s your name?”
“It’s Mio.”
“You’re Japanese?” One of the security guys had handed me a black sharpie I scribbled some words with on the cover.
“Yes. I do speak Japanese, I just feel more confident speaking English. I’ve been raised here.”
“I know the feeling,” I smiled a genuine smile before giving the CD back to her. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m afraid I’ll have to go now.” I lazily pointed at the bus behind me and the few people left standing around and watching us.
“No, no. I understand, don’t worry! I enjoyed the gig! Hope to see you again soon!”
She waved a last time before vanishing in the crowds of busy people. But it still felt like a weird encounter, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, though. Maybe it was the fact that she was yet another hāfu, just the other way around. Or that she would stay in London and I would have to go back to Japan, regrettably sooner than later.
***
I sure as hell hadn’t counted the days but it definitely had been months since I’d last seen him.
Japan had safely transitioned from rainy season to typhoon season and it had been yet another unbearably hot and dry but humid summer beforehand. I had witnessed the blooming of the sakura trees which had lost their soothingly pink blossoms mere five days after they had drawn their first breaths. The heavy rainfalls had soaked my sleeves not only once or twice. And now, as the cicadas sang their lullabies each night, I wondered if he still cramped his dark locks of hair underneath his beanie.
I honestly didn’t want to conjure up any gloomy thoughts because that was not like me. I had to act my hopeful and good-humoured self when I was on stage; and frankly, I wanted to. The more positive thoughts you let roam in your soul, the more effect they would have on your psyche. I lived for that, normally. But I did miss him. Not being around him was worse enough; but not even being able to communicate was as atrociously debilitating as finding yourself lost in the dark woods at midnight. Sometimes, in a quiet moment, I asked myself if he had played me after all. If he did own a phone – just not as far as I was concerned. He’d promised that he’d be in touch. And frankly, if he’d really wanted to he could have very well done it by now. I felt ashamed for admitting it even to myself – but I was too proud trying to contact him instead. I didn’t want to keep running after him like a desperate school boy. And here I was thinking that what we had felt that day was genuine and honest.
But what did they say? Life goes on. And I knew mine would. Harder and faster even than any other.
I had hidden myself listening to music in the farthest corner of the building, as I was used to be doing right before a concert to calm my nerves and get me in the right mind-set. As I was sitting there, nodding rhythmically to some random Papa Roach songs, I felt someone tapping my shoulder out of the blue. First I was startled as I was so deeply sunken into my routine but when I looked up, Hiroki stood before me; his gaze falling down on me like broken glass shards. As confused as I was at first, it all made sense since MY FIRST STORY actually was the supporting act for this concert in Nagoya. Of course I’d known this, even if I hadn’t been particularly delighted at the prospect.
“Your pre-concert habit?”
He looked to be nearly ready for their gig, too. Wearing his hair a warm brown colour these days, which suited him undeniably nicely, he did not appear to be as unpleasant as his recent behaviour had actually suggested. It made his features even softer and perfected the sparkle in his eyes when he smiled brightly.
“You know better than to bother me now.”
“I just wanted to check if you were okay,” he shrugged his puny shoulders but this annoyingly satisfied grin never quite left his lips.
“Yeah, right,” I huffed and reached for his arm to pull myself up. He didn’t even act surprised in the slightest. We must still make a good team after all. “That’s so you.”
In front of me, Hiro shuffled his feet and could not hide from the fact that he did indeed still look a bit like a little lost boy. Our love affair felt so far away; I felt so immensely dissociated from him even though we were currently facing each other. I observed the shape of his soft lips but I could not for the life of me remember how they tasted.
“You didn’t like the idea of touring together, am I right?”
“Honestly? No, I did not. Alexandros would have been quite enough. I could not provide any valid reasons, though,” I explained in a low voice, leaning against the cold wall behind me; sobering up my mind. I was not that tall, however, Hiro still only came up to my shoulders. “We perfectly managed not touring together throughout all those years. Low-key without attracting attention.”
“There’s nothing to attract attention to anymore, though …”
There was still disappointment to be heard in his high pitched voice I used to fall asleep to. After all these years and fights and tears. I knew I had broken his heart back then but I was not the one that would be able to mend it back together. And so I decided to change the subject.
“I heard about your break-down at the Budokan,” I started hesitatingly but reconsidered my choice of words and started anew. “No, what I meant was: I saw it. I felt really sorry. Those were heart-wrenching words. I know how hard it’s been for you.”
“Right … we haven’t really been talking since, huh?” Hiroki mused but at least I could not see any genuine grief reflected in his carnelian coloured eyes. “It’s been years, though. I’m fine. Thanks for caring.”
“Hey,” I said with a soothing tone to my voice and put one arm around his shoulders. They felt fragile and delicate like bare skinned branches in a storm. Foreign. How had it been like to kiss his name into the pale skin of his neck? “Let’s go for a drink after this. As friends. Maybe there’s more to talk about than we think.”
***
Seeing that Alexandros was one of Coldrain’s supporting acts too, we could not help but perform Kill Me If You Can together on stage. Going up there as mates and singing these familiar notes and words, so unlike our own songs, felt wrong in all the right ways. Suddenly, I was back in late 2015, early 2016. I was still with Hiroki, the rich sounds felt like honey on my tongue and today they were still as warm as the last sunrays we’d felt on our skin before we broke up. And when it was finally time for us to go up on stage I couldn’t help but to think about Colin one last time as I performed January 1st. We had finally published it and even though everything felt like K and both melancholy and joy swelled up inside my body thinking of him, I now also associated the song with this God damn Irish guy.
Tell me how do I let go?
When all I know is to hold on
Every memory that you left
Keeps me from moving ahead
Tell me how do I let go?
I never had to say a word
It's like you always saw me through
But all you ever asked of me
Was to hold you like I always do
I never had to say a word
It's like you always saw me through
But all you ever asked of me
Was to love you like I do
Tell me how do I let go?
When all I know is to hold on
Every memory that you left
Keeps me from moving ahead
Tell me how do I let go?
I sang these verses with each and every emotion I could evoke as I was thinking about our shared moments somewhere in the back of my mind. Trying to figure out simultaneously if I’d honestly missed him or if I was just so tired of feeling left alone. As we’d finished the song, however, and I stepped off the stage under cheers and applause from our fans crying ankōru, I again remembered that back in London this was the song I chose to sang in that hotel room. These were the lines that had come to my mind like a lost memory ready to be reawakened.
The memory of Colin’s soft touch on my neck, however … his tender looks that melted into my skin like gentle summer rain. I was not able to let him go just yet.
***
It was already far after midnight when we exited the venue; arm in arm. Frankly, I did not worry about photographers or passersby who could see us like this. It didn’t mean anything. He was the little bro of one of my best friends – people knew. We were having fun, we were laughing loudly and grins were wide; I held him close to my side by his shoulder and together we staggered through the little side streets as though we were drunk. We had let the other guys leave without us; our tussled hair still damp from the previous shower. I didn’t know what we would really be up to but we’d planned on going for a drink as friends. But right now, I felt intoxicated from his too sweet cologne and wondered if his birthmarks where still on the same spots I remembered them to be and if there was new ink to discover on his porcelain skin. I knew I probably shouldn’t sleep with my ex, but I felt so disappointed in myself and in the whole world. I knew I would probably break his heart again – but for some vile reason I felt like I deserved this one.
The earth was still cooling off and even the pavement underneath our feet appeared to still be emitting the last warmth of the late summer’s day. It was a stark contrast to those bitter cold evenings in London. The wind grazed our cheeks only so very delicately once in a while and I threw back my head to inhale the pure night air which was rich of excitement and thrill.
“You know, this feels so familiar,” I heard him purr close to my ear; our movements kind of sluggish as if we cherished every step along the way. I myself was just as eager to forget that Colin ever existed. I had to let him go. Just pretending for one night that Hiro’s moans and breathy laughter beneath my body in the sheets could freeze my unanswered longing. I knew that was kind of fucked up. “Don’t you miss our banter?”
“Sometimes,” I admitted under my breath and it wasn’t even a lie. We did have chemistry – that much was true. We’d felt an instant connection the first time we’d really spent time together. It had been interesting with him the first few months; the first year. He always said what he wanted to say, he was such a little brat and back then I was absorbed with taming him – to the point of obsessiveness even. He hadn’t learned a thing, though, but in bed he did what he was told like the good little boy he was. Yes, sometimes I missed that.
“My begging?” his grin tugged at his lips and reached from one cheek to the other as he carefully observed my reaction; as if he’d guessed my thoughts.
I let out a low growl and buried my nose in his soft hair. Still as hopeless as ever. No wonder my fingertips itched for the sensation of pressing his wrists into the hard mattress. “Your ‘yes’s’ and ‘of course’s’.”
I couldn’t help it and felt my dick twitch in my trousers at the mere thought. This here didn’t have this mysterious delicateness wafting around our heads like blue mist. There was no electricity, no pining to the extent of experiencing pain. I didn’t want to trace his collarbones with my fingertips and wasn’t going mad at the idea of him breathing out my name. I wanted to fuck him because this felt familiar; comforting. I knew how he’d react; I finally remembered how the little sobs on his tongue tasted.
“Long time no see, nice nose.”
The familiar dark voice came out of nowhere and tore at my attention in the roughest of ways. My first reaction was to persuade myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. To dissuade me from making this huge mistake I would most definitely regret in a lot of different ways. But before I could conclude any of my further interpretations, the voice spoke again and I stopped in my tracks.
“Busy?”
“That’s not fair.” I turned around with an unbelieving sigh as if I was reprimanding a ghost of my past that no one else but me was able to see. Of course it was Colin. Now. Out of all people. Why now.
“That’s kind of awkward now,” he admitted with a stiff smile that I had not seen once on his bold lips before. It made him seem more human somehow, I realised with dismay. “Isn’t it?”
Not quite knowing how to react, I let go of Hiro’s shoulders who then looked at me in confusion and mild irritation. His English was not good enough to follow our simple conversation, especially with Colin’s thick Northern Irish accent and Hiro being stressed out enough as he was. In the meantime, Colin walked closer to us in the shine of the street lights; his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets, the black beanie sitting on his head as if time had been standing still all along.
“I don’t really know what to say, to be honest with you,” I heard myself speak in a low voice as though it wasn’t me making these sounds. Time had never felt more like an eerie dream; not since back then in the hotel room. I had waited for him – for months that had felt like centuries. I had pined after and longed for him, yes, I had cried. Once. I’d been drunk and very frustrated, maybe a bit angry even. But I’d been so hopeful that we would see each other again and now, out of all times, he just appeared out of thin air? How was that fair? I was about to forget him!
“A … ‘hello’ would be good for starters?” he smiled at me; the one that made it seem like his blue eyes were closed entirely and little laugh lines appeared right underneath them. “After that … what about an ‘I missed you’? Because I know I did.”
For a second, I felt so very bad for Hiroki standing next to us like an oblivious toddler. I felt his gaze drift from me to Colin and back, but I could not force my own eyes off Colin’s. I just couldn’t explain how he did it; it was like he had magic for real. I was lost. Then he extended his hand for Hiro to grab.
“I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Colin, nice to meet you.”
“Moriuchi Hiroki,” he spat out like a foul fruit but took Colin’s hand nonetheless, had to have realised what the guy in front of him wanted without actually understanding.
“This is … my ex-boyfriend,” I explained cautiously and knew that Hiroki was listening intently for key-words. On Colin’s face, however, I saw that everything had finally clicked into place.
“The fling …” he mused with a fleeting look at Hiro. He didn’t mean it in a bad way, I supposed. He ought to have remembered our night and our conversation. Yes, I had meant Hiro back then. He hadn’t been more than a fling to me in retrospect. But I also knew that this special tone in Colin’s voice when he said the word didn’t sit quite right with me, either.
“I’m sorry, but didn’t we want to go someplace?” Hiro’s Japanese sentence totally out of the blue only underlined my low-key uneasiness as it shook me back to reality and to what was actually happening then and there. I agreed – we did. And even though my lungs suddenly felt as though they were filled with water, I swallowed it down and watched as my hand crawled back on Hiro’s shoulders once more.
“Yeah, you’re right, we did,” I replied in Japanese, followed by a short, unsure glance at Colin. I was mad up to the tip of my hair; both at him for not contacting me and suddenly appearing out of nowhere with that anger inducing “I’m-Innocent”-grin. I thought as though he was probably just insecure and felt sorry for all of this too … maybe. Something about the way he shuffled his feet restlessly and perhaps he really was. He had definitely met me at the wrong moment because right now I was determined to stay angry at him and to not give in so easily even though my fingers itched yet again for his touch. Then the longing set in too and mingled with all of that built-up frustration in the pit of my stomach and suddenly I felt like vomiting. I just knew that I had to get out of there. Now.
“I’m sorry, Colin. I have plans tonight.” I swiftly thought about asking for meeting up another day or for how long he was planning on staying, solely for conversational purposes of course. But the words just weren’t eager to roll off my tongue. I saw it in Colin’s eyes that he’d expected something … anything more but it didn’t come and it hurt me, too. Subconsciously I grabbed Hiro’s shoulder harder and I only noticed when he tensed up underneath my hand subsequently.
In the fleeting shine of the street lights Colin tried his hardest not to let any more emotions play out on his face but he was a good actor after all. I could not seem to detect anything other than a thin, cold wall between us anymore. “I see. Sorry to have jumped at you like this,” he nodded and smiled warmly. “Maybe I can contact you some way? I do have a phone now, you know.”
I had to laugh out loud at his last revelation and for a moment I let go of Hiro’s shoulders. I didn’t make fun of him, I just appreciated his weird sense of humour still; even in situations like these I supposed. “Yeah. Yeah, go on. Give me your number, I’ll message you.”
I was somewhat surprised when he could tell me his own number right off the bat. I had difficulties recalling my own number still and it hadn’t changed in years. But then again, it was technically Colin’s job to memorise lines. After I had typed the digits in, he put on yet another smile and crossed his arms awkwardly. “I’ll be here for another week or so. I thought I’d do a bit of sightseeing while I’m at it. Never been here before.”
I nodded approvingly and said a casual goodbye that he reciprocated, although seeming visibly reluctant in doing so. A stray thought stuck between the then and now that was meant to be uttered out. But then I had already started walking again until I could only feel his stares biting into my back and I had to force myself not to turn my head to look at him one more time. It was like ripping off a band-aid, really. Once we had turned the next corner, I felt the weight being lifted from my shoulders entirely.
***
“This wasn’t quite what I was expecting.” Hiroki was sitting next to me like a proper pile of wet laundry, a beer in front of him on the table between us.
Yeah, considering our touchy-feely attitude before we’d both thought about going home … until Colin had appeared. I knew Hiro was aware of why we ended up in a shady, little izakaya then after all. The mood in here was smooth and slick like honey and had claimed a similar colour, too. Everything glowed and shone like dipped in golden sun rays; staff raced from one end to the other and old sararī man dressed in black sat there after their long work day either depressed or laughing about nothing of importance with their colleagues.
Had Colin cut me out of a night full of good sex or had he appeared at exactly the right moment for me to realise that what I had been about to do was a huge mistake? I just knew that Hiro was pissed that he couldn’t touch me this way nor be close to me. I felt his unsure glances and saw his pouts and heard his sighs but I didn’t feel like comforting him. I was in a God damn awful bad mood.
“Who was that guy anyway?”
I hesitated before trying to answer his question. I didn’t quite know where to start with this, honestly. I didn’t feel like responding but thought he deserved as much. “Met him in London. We had a thing back then. But he hadn’t contacted me until now.”
I searched his face for a fitting reaction but to my own surprise he didn’t seem to be taken aback in the slightest. He had his sleeves rolled and his elbows propped up on the table but much to my dismay I realised that it didn’t quite have the same effect like when Colin did it. “I thought you’d wanted to be more careful? Shagging a random bloke you find on the streets doesn’t sound like it.”
“Shh,” I reprimanded him, even though I knew no one paid attention or could even hear us, the music and chatter was just too loud. It still felt bad talking about such a private matter in public. “He didn’t know me and London is about as far away as Narnia. I call that careful enough.”
“Guys always think with their dicks, honestly,” he rolled his eyes and I laughed.
“You’re one to talk. What did you think we’d be doing tonight?”
Hiro shrugged nonchalantly in front of me but I could sense a fleeting smile on his lips nonetheless. He was a brat indeed, one of the worst I had ever encountered and he was immature and quite childish every now and then. But at times like these, when he acted all-knowing and almost sophisticated, I always ended up feeling astonished. I guessed sometimes I just wanted him to stay this cute, little boy that did not know any better as to be jealous and clingy all the time to the point of enraging me forever – so I could go on telling myself that he was just a toy for me to play with and nothing more. But I did have to own up to the fact that he was growing up and developing all the while. He was no child anymore and of course he wanted me to know.
“Yeah,” he went on, his eyes avoiding mine. A sip from his beer. Then he bit his lip. “Of course. We’ve been flirting the whole time. I’d much rather be somewhere else right now.”
I nodded and searched for his hands on the table but did not dare to touch them in the end. He was a good person. I did like him. He was not a toy. But he also didn’t make my mind go crazy and my heart desperate. I myself still didn’t know what I was going after. I could, here and now, settle for Colin. But then what would I decide on exactly? Surely not to be with him, right? Even if he’d wanted to be in a relationship with me, even if – how would that even work? It wouldn’t. So I was at a loss for words and actions, I realised. It did not matter. It did not matter at all.
“I like you, Hiro-Chan, you know I do,” I tried to console him the only way I knew as I reached for his hands after all and he flinched at my touch, startled, “but it wouldn’t be anything more for me, I’m afraid. I don’t love you.”
I watched him nod lazily but understandingly, his eyes still not meeting mine but at least he didn’t pull his hands away. So we sat like this for a while, not exchanging any words or glances. I guessed he needed this to calm down and collect himself and eventually he came to.
“You know? I really needed to hear that, thank you,” Hiroki mused and finally he lifted his gaze but drew his hands away from under mine. “I’ve known that of course. Didn’t want to believe it, however,” he laughed a short lived laugh but it was full of genuine warmth and so I smiled, too.
“It’s been years since we last came together, though,” I tried to make him remember.
“Oh, we came all right.” A wide grin on his lips that gradually evolved into a full-on laugh and I just had to chime in. A boy at heart, always.
“Would you please stop being so suggestive in public,” I told him off with a flicker in my eyes and a smile upon my lips still; the tension in the air rose again from out of nowhere. He was my ex after all. There’d always be this special kind of connection.
He then fell silent for a few minutes and was suddenly eager to empty his glass. I saw it in his face that he thought about us and our affair back in the day. His ears grew hot. “I don’t need to hear I-love-you’s. And I don’t need to know which guy you’re seeing. But I am still serious about earlier. I want to come home with you.”
“I– Hiroki, I don’t know,” I followed my first reflex because I knew I shouldn’t but then I awoke to the whole situation at hand and everything fell into place. Colin had come here to seek me out, yes. But it had been half a year at least since we’d last seen each other. He couldn’t leave London, I couldn’t leave Japan. Even if those feelings were real – No, it definitely was better to let them fade away. “You know what? Yes. My place is not far away. Let’s go.”
***
At first it was kind of awkward to let him inside my flat and close the door behind us. I’d moved since we’d broken up, so he’d never been here before. My dogs were currently at a friend’s who sometimes took care of them when I was away for longer periods of time, so there was no one and nothing at all greeting us but an uncomfortable silence.
I watched him look around the apartment curiously like a cautious cat. It was big for Japan’s standards but not as much for Tokyo’s. That should explain him being impressed, at least a bit.
“It appears you have good taste after all,” he commented cheekily as he turned around with one of his dazzling grins.
My living room was bright and mainly ruled by colour combinations of wood brown, white, grey and black. There were lots of little indirect lights and a huge glass front on one side, covered with white curtains but you could still see the colourful glow of the city below us. As much as I loved touring and seeing so much of the world, I adored being home – I just felt at ease here.
“You’re here with me, I suppose that counts for some,” I purred in his ear after I had closed the short distance between us and rested my underarms on his shoulders. He seemed intrigued and melted into my touch exactly the proper way I needed him to this moment. He still smelled sweet and familiar; a touch of a bitter alcoholic aroma in between. I grazed his ears with my lips tenderly. “How do you want me to take you?”
Suddenly the awkwardness disappeared and sparks full of electricity filled the room. It was like back then once more and all the memories came rushing back. It felt so natural and easy to touch him again and to feel his warmth. I was hot all over and it reached my throat and neck and ears. I could feel him shiver beneath my hands and every thought of any other person in this moment was just gone.
He gasped for air and I felt him brush through my locks nervously. It had been so long that it almost felt like the first time all over again. Like our first encounter. Unsure and tentative but also full of hot want and arousal. A step forward and I could feel his hard dick pressing into my thigh again.
“You decide–“ His soft voice broke. “I want you to decide.”
This was the code word, really. Hiro didn’t want to have vanilla sex, which we had had occasionally. He wanted me to lead, to dominate him. And I had missed it so much that I had forgotten about this special longing for it altogether. I had enjoyed being called “princess” by Colin, I wouldn’t deny that by any means. But Hiroki was such a perfect little sub that my lungs felt like inhaling fire and smoke right now. It burned inside of me, this desire, and so I snapped and pulled him into my bedroom before pushing him down onto the bed in front of me.
“Clothes off.”
The lights in here weren’t turned on but there was still a shimmer coming in from the living room; it was just about bright enough for me to observe Hiro’s facial expressions closely.
He obliged immediately and pulled off his hoodie and pants without a word; his shoes already discarded somewhere along the way. Now he was sitting there in front of me; only in his briefs and panting softly with arousal tainting his breath.
“You know better than that,” I scolded him with this strict tone in my voice I had honestly missed using the last couple of years. “All clothes off.”
He held my gaze and I could see a flicker of nervousness in his eyes, but in the end he did as he was told and finally sat there naked. The fine mist of light made his skin look amber coloured and so exposed. His stiff cock pressed against his stomach; twitching beautifully whenever my eyes fell upon it. I myself finally felt the heat rise in the pit of my stomach and it became hard to contain myself. I wanted to push and break him; to pull him to the edge and leave him there. To suck up every breath he offered me and let him beg for more.
“You feel safe now, princess? I swear you won’t do so for much longer.” With my right hand I pushed him onto the bed by his chest and held him there with all my strength as he gasped delightfully for air. Our noses almost touched and I inhaled his breath but I didn’t lean down far enough to kiss him; not yet.
Then I got up again and opened the fly of my jeans; pulled the fabric down and felt the rush of cold air on my cock. I hadn’t been this excited for a long time. And even if this didn’t mean anything, it still felt so dangerously good. I wanted him all over me and hear his pleas and moans. And right this moment I knew why I had once loved fucking him.
“Get on your fucking knees, you little slut,” I ordered him with a cold stare and again, he obliged without a word.
I felt his body heat on my own skin as he tested the waters with light touches and careful fingertips. I didn’t want him to, however, and so I quickly decided on using a rope to tie his hands on his back. I grabbed it from out of my nightstand, which I hadn’t used in a long, long while, and when I stood in front of him again he knew fair well what I was about to do.
“Get up and turn around.”
He did as he was told, heart beating fast and loud in his chest, and I tied up his skinny arms. He drew in a breath sharply since I might have laced it up a tad too tight but I did not care and neither did he. Then I ordered him back on his knees again.
Now that he was kneeling there like a good little boy, my heart skipped a beat at the mere sight of it. His eyes shimmered beautifully as if he’d tear up any moment and his mouth was opened invitingly. I tenderly traced his lips with my thumb and he closed his eyes in response; relishing in this feeling I was gracing him with. I could not wait to feel his warm mouth finally engulfing me again. Feeling his tongue and throat and seeing him gasping for air in desperation.
“Suck my dick until it’s wet.”
Seeing that he almost immediately leaned forward to lick at my cock and sigh in pleasure at the first taste, I concluded that he had to have waited for this moment for a lot longer than I had even. Almost as if he was made solely for this purpose alone. He did not flinch when I pushed my groin closer to his face and he did not care about getting saliva all over his face. I missed him worshipping my cock so badly.
I combed through his brown, soft hair delicately and closed my eyes for a few seconds; just savouring every little twitch and flicker that shot through my body like an inferno. But suddenly I was back at the hotel in London again and sensed Colin’s hands over my torso and backside; his breath wafting over my shaft and his grin wide and teasing on my skin.
I opened up my eyes again and decided that it was enough. My heart beat way too fast for my tastes. “Open up your pretty mouth.”
Again, he did as he was told and watched me intently as I pushed myself past his lips. He wheezed and I groaned and then he finally began sucking on my dick for real. It felt heavenly. He knew exactly what to do, even after so many years. Even with his hands tied back. He was completely wrapped up in it; as though this here was his only remaining purpose and I could not even begin to describe how lovely he looked right this second.
With my hands still in his hair, I held his head steady and tried a few careful thrusts which he took in gladly and with ease. Sometimes I thought he’d been born without a gag reflex and this thought enticed me immensely. I could not hold back my moans any longer and so my pace grew faster, more rapid and careless. But he still took me in so willingly; his eyes were closed and there was a precious tint of pink on his flushed cheeks. Not once did he gag as I pressed myself deeper and deeper and oh fuck, it felt so heavenly. A fire in the pit of my stomach that gradually spread through my whole body.
This lasted for a few minutes and while I was enjoying it to the fullest, it was still not quite enough. He’d once told me that he loved face-fucking the most out of everything. To let someone use him like that was his greatest bliss and that thought turned me on even more. I was now pressed inside his mouth as far as it would go, he’d taken me all in and I saw in his eyes that he was struggling to breathe, so I let go of him and pulled out my wet cock. He immediately gasped and heaved and panted in distress, pain and lust after I’d pulled out and I watched him for a few seconds until he had regained his composure, then I stroked his cheek.
“Will you be a good boy and climb onto the bed?”
Just as before, Hiro only nodded, swallowed hard and then obeyed without a word. With his hands still tied behind his back and his backside facing me, he waited for me a bit awkwardly. I knew that he would be so deliciously tight this way. But then I noticed something silvery and shiny between his butt cheeks and stopped slightly baffled in my tracks before breaking out into short laughter.
“Are you serious?” I chuckled as I touched the base of the steel butt plug he’d apparently inserted earlier himself. He shuddered. “When did that happen?”
“I– When I know that I’ll be seeing you … sometimes I do that,” he admitted with a shy, almost unnoticeable voice. And now it was I who had to gasp for air.
Of course I didn’t know. But thinking about all the times we’d briefly met at concerts and festivals over the past few years! I had a feeling that I should probably punish him for that but it turned me on so much that I swallowed this first urge down. “Like back then …”
“Like back then.”
I heard my own breathing ringing in my ears as I felt myself snap again; there was the end of my tether once more. He just had this strange power over me that made me someone I could not recognise at times. It wasn’t anger and it wasn’t aversion but it did make me have a short fuse. Sometimes these feelings deep in my stomach scared me; they sat low and growled and were like a fire pit inside of me. I wanted to hurt him, just a little. Just to show that I was still in charge here. And so I pressed his upper body harder down onto the bed, he yelped softly in surprise. Then I leaned close to his ear.
“You know you shouldn’t have done that.”
He nodded.
“You know I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you won’t be thinking of wearing that the next
few weeks.”
Again, a nod from him.
I pulled off my shirt with one hand a bit clumsily and walked to the bedside table to get out some lube and a condom. Hiroki remained as frozen in this position as possible; only his chest rose and fell from his shallow breathing. He looked to be as eager as I felt. It’d been so long for me and I hadn’t asked him how long it’d been for him.
As I was standing right behind him again, I stroked his back lightly and drowned in this sight. My cock twitched and I slowly exhaled thinking about what was coming next. I missed seeing him so ready and needy in front of me; just waiting for my cock and orders and insults. Only last time he had talked back more fervently. So I put on the condom and applied some lube with slow strokes; tilting back my head, I felt all those lights and flashes roar through my body. I let out a low sigh and a smile escaped my quivering lips.
I wanted him; here and now. Or maybe I just wanted this intimate and mundane feeling of the time we once had. I would be lying when I said I did not think about Colin once.
“You want my cock, right?” I asked him and began rubbing myself against his bum; spreading lube everywhere. Right in front of me, Hiro nodded again. “Tell me how much you want my cock.”
A short unsure silence followed suit. I knew he was still horny as fuck and I could see his hard cock twitch between his legs because he knew I was watching him closely. He liked me watching him in these awkward positions because it embarrassed him and all I ever wanted was to fuck this humiliation out of him. After I had inflicted it upon him, of course.
“I want you to fill me up,” he croaked out in response after a while; his voice rich of both shakiness and arousal. It made me so high to think about how he couldn’t touch himself in this position – a game we’d played so often before but it never got old. He wanted to feel so defenceless and totally at my mercy, he wanted me to lead him and tell him what to do. That was why we were so perfect for one another. Like two puzzle pieces. I loved all of the sensations he made me feel. But it was just a game and nothing more. “Please. Take me.”
“You know I won’t untie your hands this time,” I purred from behind him as I reached for the base of the butt plug and began pulling it out slowly but probably still a tad too fast for his taste because I heard him exhale sharply in response. But the thing was: I did not care at all in this moment. He loved pain and pain I gave him. “You can beg for it, though.”
The thought of him wearing the plug all day, and only for me on top of that, just because he’d imagined being fucked by me again, had me almost go up in flames right then and there. He was ready to use, just like that. And though it felt somehow weird to have no bodily reaction from him, no real passion with body pressing against body and lips against lips, I knew that he loved it this way, too. Taking him against the wall or even entangled lying on the bed on top of each other would feel neither right nor genuine coming from me and he knew it. For Christ’s sake, it’d stir up his hopes all over again would we have done it any differently.
I felt his body shiver beneath my hands that graced the soft skin on his back; followed my fingertip down his spine with my eyes and counted every vertebra until I had found this one birthmark my hand finally stopped at. The lust in the air was so thick it felt hard to breathe and I knew he longed to be fucked. I bet his hole started to feel so empty and was aching for more. And so I gripped his hips tightly and guided my cock inside of him.
Finally, the blissful feeling of warm tightness surrounding me. For a moment, time stood still and I could hear nothing anymore; no sounds reached my ears and only after that did I realise that I had begun to groan loudly.
I knew Hiro was wheezing down there and trying to steady his breath after I’d just thrusted in without any warning and without concerning myself with being gentle. But it just felt so good and once again, I did not care. I was already up in him as far as it would go; right up to my throbbing balls. The plain sight of it was dangerously exciting. How he swallowed me whole. And I was not the smallest guy by any means.
Hiro panted; his breathing shallow and heavy on his tongue. His needy voice, that I had missed so much, made my dick twitch inside of him and he shuddered delightfully in response. I grinned. “You’ve missed that, right?”
Hiro nodded well-behaved; his skin now hot to the touch. It had always felt kind of evil; kind of dirty – to fuck your friend’s younger brother without him knowing. Without anyone knowing and with said brother loving it with every fibre of his quivering body. How he could beg for more and take so much in and be such a good little fuck but play the lady killer in public. It made my heart jump. Right here, this mattered. This and nothing else. Then I slowly started to move inside of him and he exhaled in surprise and everything else was again dissolved into nothingness.
He was so tight and so wet from the lube and I could feel my fingertips boiling with my heartbeat pulsating in them as he tried to push himself back against my cock; to meet my thrusts in between the best he could with his hands still tied back. He wanted more as it obviously didn’t hurt him yet enough. I drew in a breath sharply.
“Have I permitted you to move?” I grunted and was almost alarmed by how foreign, threatening and deep my voice sounded. I held his hips steady and rushed a few times forward at a rapid speed that made the back of my head grow cloudy. It was all too much; the pressure, this sight of him, the feeling of using him, the power, the familiarity, his scent. I just wanted to fuck him senseless until he could not even beg anymore. He deserved it, he so totally did. He was everything I could concentrate on right this second and it felt weirdly freeing after all these months of longing.
“No, I’m sorry.” His voice was still shaky and breathless but he could still moan and sigh rhythmically to my long, hard thrusts. His arching back was a lovely sight to behold but still not quite enough for me. I wanted to look him in his cloudy eyes and watch him coming; to see his stiff cock rock back and forth without getting touched.
“Thought as much.” Losing the rhythm for a moment, I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around abruptly with one single but harsh motion after I had pulled out of him. The moment he realised that his back had suddenly collided with the mattress was so pleasing; the brief shock reflected in his amber coloured eyes made the smirk on my lips grew even wider.
There he lay on his back in front of me in the dim lit, much too warm room. Helpless. Exposed. And oh so pretty. His arms still tied up behind his back had to have hurt under his weight in such an awkward position but as long as I carried out my threat and fucked him mercilessly, there was no way he would complain. He knew fair well what he had gotten himself into tonight.
I watched as he parted his lips slightly but didn’t dare say anything before I slid inside his warm tightness again. The high it got me was beyond any words. I felt myself closing my eyes instinctively because the sensation was just too overpowering.
Not shorty after did I begin pressing into him relentlessly and without sympathy. I heard him whimper and cry and little sobs leave his wet mouth. Eyes closed. Back arched. His balls were so hard and tight and didn’t look like they could last any longer; the dark red tip of his cock gleaming with pre-cum. But the desperation in his hooded eyes when partly opened was the absolute greatest of it all. His head jerked backwards every time I thrust into him and it made him look like a pretty little doll.
Somewhere along the line our breathing began matching each other’s and I lost track of my heartbeat in my ears. All I could see was him. It made my heart so full and contented I swear it felt like bursting out of my chest. But I also felt myself growing more impatient and accelerated and I made sure to let him know. His eyes seemed to beg for more and I could not wait to give it to him.
“You love being used like that, princess?” I hummed in a sweet honey-like voice and took his breath away with a few unreasonably hard thrusts. Hiro nodded weakly; the blush on his cheeks not leaving the shadow of his nose even once. I could see him break into little pieces and it made my insides tingle.
“I can’t hold it any longer …”
But it wasn’t a plea; it wasn’t enough despair for me to actually meet him halfway. He knew I wanted to hear more than that. This wasn’t our first time but I was so close to coming. “Say that again,” I threatened him and gripped his neck tightly. He struggled to breathe.
“Please, Masato … please.”
“What ‘please’?” I growled and ripped his head back by his hair. A chocked howl from his mouth; eyes squeezed shut. He loved every second of it. “Use your fucking mouth.”
For a second I thought he had started to cry for real. The sobs on his tongue sounded so delightful. I wanted more of that noise he made; see him in even more pain and pleasure at the same time. “Please let me come, please. I can’t–“
I couldn’t take it anymore. It was all too much. He looked so fucking pretty bound and gagged with despair and helpless like this. A single tear rolled down his cheek but I knew it was just pure lust and ache for a final release. I didn’t feel it when I picked up the speed a tad too fast and he didn’t, either. In and out and bliss and sparks in front of my eyes and in my veins. Somewhere along I had started to stroke his dick half-heartedly and knew that it was both not enough and that it had to be sufficient all at once. Our groaning echoed in the bedroom but it was hard to care. Let the neighbours hear it, whatever.
Close to the edge, I leaned forward over his bound body; a few hard, fast thrusts and I was almost there. I was aware that I grazed the soft and sensitive skin of his hard cock in the process. This had to be enough for him; no more fucks to give. He knew what he’d gotten himself into after all. A kiss. Tongues, hot breath, a moan swallowed down from his wet, shaking lips. Warmth, explosion. And something wet spreading between our bodies.
Chapter 02
It had been awkward at first to untie him and clean up the mess we’d made in a bit of a silent contemplative manner but in the end we had pulled ourselves together. Sobered up. I didn’t regret doing this. It had been fun and we’d both definitely enjoyed it. Just gone with the flow and how everything would have played out naturally anyway. We were both adults and responsible for our actions and we wouldn’t have changed anything. It was just that I felt this deep heartache right beneath my rib cage slowly but surely crawling inside my lungs and I just wasn’t able to mend it.
None of us smoked at the window in the dark.
“You don’t regret this now, do you?”
His unsure voice came from somewhere behind me and spoke out exactly what bothered my troubled mind. I knew he’d preferred resting in my arms but I honestly didn’t feel like it and he didn’t complain. “Of course I don’t. It was fun. But it was obviously the last time for real.”
“No need to justify,” he mumbled but without seeing his face I could not determine if he truly meant it. Then a rustling of fabric and footsteps. Careful fingertips on my naked skin, caressing my back and hips. “We’ll put it down to a last goodbye for old times’ sake.”
It ought to have been quite the funny picture really – both of us looking so irrevocably lost and butt-naked in the doorway to my living room; hesitant to say or do anything wrong. The lights were far too bright and I would have loved to turn them off and just go to sleep.
“Thank you for taking me with you tonight, anyway.” As if on cat paws, Hiroki sneaked past me and came to a halt in front of my restless toes. Suddenly right then and there I could not manage to avoid his eyes any longer. They shimmered black in the dim lit room. Then he kissed me gently on the lips; his hands lingering on my neck and jaw but they felt so awfully broken on my skin somehow. It really felt like a goodbye. He was such a sweet boy but I hadn’t experienced anything more than lust with him and I was so sick and tired of feeling only lust. “Masato, I can’t change the fact that you don’t love me. And I’m sure it’s for the best if we don’t meet again. I just hope that you’ll find the one.”
“That’s way too mature, especially coming from you,” I snorted amused but gave him a quick appeasing kiss on his nose nonetheless. I could hear it echo in his cracked voice – that he just wanted to trigger a certain reaction from me. “I mean … such a cliché. I don’t think I’d be able to say anything like that–” to the guy I’m in love with.
“I’m right, though, aren’t I?”
I nodded and strolled past him into the kitchen to pour myself and him a glass of water. Normally I loved late night after-sex conversations but this one required digging so far into my soul that I felt the itch for cutting it off immediately deep in my bones. “You’re probably not wrong.”
“Do you think he means it?”
“Mean what?”
Hiroki leaned on the kitchen counter and watched me intently as I shoved a glass into his hand. “You haven’t heard from him in months and now he appears out of nowhere just like that?”
I shrugged and downed my drink in one go so that I didn’t need to answer him right away. Suddenly I felt the need to drink even more. Maybe another beer or two.
“Will you hear him out?”
“Christ, Hiroki, I don’t know yet,” I spat out and felt sorry for the harsh tone in my voice immediately after. But I did not apologise and instead opted for a calmer way of speaking when I opened my mouth again after that. “I thought you’d quit being jealous?”
The little boy in front of me took a deliberate sip from his glass; his eyes were cast over. I didn’t mean to be selfish or nasty to him in any way but I was also losing my patience. That little bit I’d had in the beginning, anyway. It was getting late and after the orgasm had subsided, there was nothing but numbness in its wake. That was almost always the case, anyway … when you’ve been basing your feelings on lust and passion – there was just nothing to replace it once the craving was gone.
“I’m not jealous, I’m serious. I care about you.”
“Yeah, would you mind and let me make my own mistakes, please?”
I slammed the glass relatively hard onto the counter, maybe a tad too hard because Hiro flinched right as my gaze fell on him. That anger from earlier had not left; quite the opposite had happened, honestly. And I shouldn’t be surprised. “Sorry, Hiro. I don’t wanna kick you out so late at night … but I think it’d be best if you go.”
“Okay,” he spat and his glass followed suit. “It’s totally fine if you’re angry at him or yourself but don’t take it out on me, seriously. I don’t know what you want from him, but London sure as hell seems to be as far away as fucking Narnia.”
Without another word Hiro left to get his things from the bedroom. It took him a short while to get dressed in silence but to me it felt like mere seconds. I was left a bit dumbfounded behind the kitchen counter and stared at the counter with our two glasses on top of it. I just couldn’t manage to lift my head to watch him leave but then the door already slammed shut with a rather loud bang and I was left alone again with my thoughts, still butt-naked.
***
It had been a few days and I still had not called. I couldn’t explain it but for some reason, whenever I was about to dial his number, my mind went totally blank. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. At times I didn’t even know what I wanted in the first place. The reason for calling him, for having his number. I didn’t even know if he was still in Japan. I could figure it out easily, of course. Just text him and get it over with but I just didn’t. And maybe I should listen to my gut feeling this time around.
I had typed and deleted a fair amount of messages already like some sort of schoolgirl cliché but it didn’t change the fact that I could not make out whether contacting him was the right thing to do or would get me into even more heartache trouble. So I kept on doing that for a few more days for good measure.
»Hey, Colin. Sorry for taking so long. Had to think. Didn’t want to call you. I miss you. You’re still in Japan? Masato.«
The last message I tried to send but didn’t, again, because I reconsidered the whole thing and threw the phone into the next corner where it landed somewhere next to me on the sofa. I sighed and rubbed my eyes with both hands. Tour was over, album released, interviews given. Suddenly I had all this free time on my hands and I didn’t know what to do with all of it. I felt overwhelmed if anything. This ringing aimlessness you get after you’d been studying for weeks on edge for an important exam and suddenly it’s over and it’s like you don’t exist any longer. I felt like crawling back into my little hole and don’t emerge again until next spring. Hibernate. And maybe all those problems would magically go away … a man can dream, right?
The thing with remaining in that state was that you didn’t get a single thing done. You’d either want to go big or go home and in my case I’d much rather stay in bed. So even the little things felt like a huge burden; doing the dishes, going for a walk with my dogs, even showering. I didn’t see the point but forced myself to do all of it anyway. I’d had been so fucking busy the past few months that it hadn’t been all that bad – this longing for Colin. But now it had come back full force. Seeing that I didn’t even feel like watching a film, I started googling weird shit and ended up typing in his name.
I mean, what could go wrong, right?
The first few pages were Wikipedia and IMBd; no sign of him on social media at all. Even though I’d known that already of course. Then I spotted a short video clip advertised on Google which looked to be a Trailer of a recent film. Of course I hadn’t heard about it and I hadn’t kept up with anything work related. I’d never actually thought about watching any of his films or shows. Strange? Maybe. Maybe it was because I’d find that kind of weird, too … if it was the other way around. But in the end my curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on the link.
However … to my absolute horror, I quickly realised that it was actually a gay romance and so I panicked after the first few seconds and paused it again. If I hadn’t lost my breath so very spectacularly that I spontaneously choked and had to cough, I probably would have laughed about these ironic circumstances. Once that was done, I buried my face in my hands to calm down my ridiculous bastard of a heart. I hadn’t watched him kill a person, so why could I not take it? Yeah, I had not expected anything like that but even I knew that I was being ridiculous.
“Christ, you’re absurd,” I mumbled to myself and took another deep breath before starting the video again. This time determined to watch it till the end. Hardly two minutes. I could take that …
It was not half as bad as I thought it would be. I did not feel like it was me in there, getting to know him, fortunately. I did not feel like suddenly all the world knew what I was up to. And good thing I didn’t feel any jealousy watching him kiss and shag another guy in front of me. At all. The dialogue was funny and realistic even and once I’d adjusted seeing him like that, I could let my guard down and enjoy looking at his face on screen. It still felt foreign, however. Like having met him had just been a dream after all. Because at the end of the day, let’s face it, I didn’t truly know him and this person on screen was not the Colin I had met. It was yet another figure, someone who was not him but looked it. It was like we had never met at all. The person in that film, Benjamin, was so painfully awkward that I couldn’t seem to connect the dots between him and Colin. He was a good actor. Colin had been rough and well-spoken and bold; so very witty at times that I could not handle him. He’d been huge confident smiles and perceptive touches. But he was oh-so beautiful still, I felt myself swoon and shivers run down my spine. The tips of my ears felt very hot all of a sudden.
Yeah … I should have known that that was a definite way of remembering how we ended up in bed. These days I stopped myself from even acknowledging the fact because it distracted me on such a high level that I did not seem to be able to function any longer. Up until this point, I had refrained from going any further, clicking through seas of pictures and videos; dwelling in past memories and letting the waves wash me away. But this time there was no one stopping me any longer, especially not me and I felt this massive wall that had held onto all of these feelings and it was crumbling fast.
“God, I should not be doing this,” I mumbled to myself and a hot sigh escaped my lips.
In front of me were all the pictures that came up when you typed in his name. Old and pretty recent ones too, it seemed. His eyes were drawing me in and his smile made my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. All of a sudden I felt his hands everywhere on my body; felt his itching stare and heard his honey-deep voice in my ears. His scratchy beard stubble rubbing my skin a rosy red. I remembered how it was like combing my fingers through his dark hair and how his breath touched my skin ever so lightly.
I searched for that one picture that made me go hot all over but instead clicked on the recommendation that added “body” to the mix and suddenly he was almost naked on most of them. A few weren’t him and some were obviously manipulations but the others caught me totally off-guard. It just added to my memories and imaginations; I could feel my fingers on his skin and rock-hard abs. I was kind of skinny too but I certainly wasn’t as buff as he was, which was funny when you thought about it. He didn’t look the type at all. His face was sort of androgynous and his smiles were open, warm and pretty. You could spend all those hours watching his lips move and being hypnotised by his lake blue eyes … so that you’d never guess what he hid underneath that sweater.
A rugged breath tumbled over my dry lips like an old elevator stopping in its tracks. I had been so frozen in shock and pure bliss that I had forgotten what it was like to breathe through my nose and to wet my lips. The laptop sat on my lap a bit uncomfortably, so I pushed it a few inches away towards my knees. It was easy, drowning in this sea of feelings and shivers if I only let myself. Lust drunken, I slid my hand over my clothed chest lazily down towards where my jeans sat loosely on my hips. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears already and the cold air hurt weirdly in my nose when I inhaled.
He was everything and nothing in my mind right now and that was all that mattered right this second. Different to how I felt when I was with Hiroki. A different kind of pain and a different kind of mind numbness. I liked this one a lot better. I wasn’t angry anymore and I didn’t do this out of spite; it was a kind of bitter-sweet longing and pain deep in my chest. A kind of pain you wanted more of.
It felt heavenly when I touched my hard dick through the fabric of my jeans. I quickly opened the fly and reached inside to adjust it so that it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable anymore. I felt kinda bad that I was about to get off to one of his pictures. But then again … would he mind? It also felt kinda off-limits. Something you don’t do but kind of wished that he’d know about. That he’d watch you jerk off to his face. Something I wouldn’t want him to find out and yet … it was hot.
I first thought about only getting my dick out – low effort – but then I reconsidered and got rid of my jeans and briefs at once. It just felt better and I could relax. I sighed as I fantasised about what it would be like to get rid of all this fabric covering him still and stroking his broad chest. Instead I finally grabbed my cock in a firm grip. I felt my knees weaken the moment I touched myself. It wasn’t the fact that it had been too long for me, it obviously hadn’t. But it was different getting off on the thought of him. It was a different feeling and a different orgasm. I tried thinking about his deep voice and the commands he’d give me; about the belittling but loving names he’d call me. The strength with which he’d pin me down. With him, I just wanted to lose all control and give him all my “yes’s” that I had to offer, not the other way around.
Even though it wasn’t that warm in my apartment, my breath left my tongue boiling hot and little shivers almost had me taken off my shirt as well. I watched my hand tug at my dick and wished it was him all the while studying the hair on his chest and his deep set eyes on those photos. I felt my breath become rapid and my movements faster. It was like a rush; all lights out. My vision grew blurry and I closed my eyes–
But then my phone rang.
“Fuck,” I blurted out, totally startled by the horrifyingly loud sound of the device. I thought I had muted it but here we were – a ringing phone and my dick still rock-hard.
I wasn’t one to ditch a call and it would have felt wrong to ignore it and continue on with my endeavours unperturbed … so I frantically tried to calm down my breathing and my overwhelmed heart and blindly fished for my phone. Why on earth now? I didn’t know any better, I was just so startled and felt eerily caught red-handed. I didn’t even think about checking the caller’s ID or bothering with polite etiquette and just straight up answered the call crimson-faced and hoped the other person wouldn’t notice.
“–Moshi moshi …”
There was a long pause at the other end of the line, and then someone cleared his throat.
“Masato, is that you?”
“I–”
I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat twice before I could muster up the courage to say anything that made sense. I knew I wasn’t dreaming, I was sure this was Colin, it had to be …
“Yes. Sorry, who are you again?”
Had to ask. Just for the record. His accent was as thick as ever and the tone in his deep voice sent shivers down my spine. My cock wasn’t hard anymore after this mess but I sure as hell felt ridiculously pitiful with my butt and junk out like that, answering calls from basically strangers.
“Er … it’s Colin. Sorry. Your sudden Japanese messed with my ability to form coherent sentences.”
Yeah. Here I was; sitting like a huge loser naked on my couch and trying not to let him hear my agitated inhales and exhales of far too dangerously needed air. I hadn’t noticed that I had smacked my free hand on my face to prevent him from seeing it, which he obviously couldn’t anyway. Hopefully.
“I–” Again, the sheer loss of my words was astounding. He had to have thought I’d lost every trait of a normal human being. “Sorry, Colin, give me a moment …”
I just couldn’t sit here like that and talk to him as if nothing had ever happened. So I quickly searched for my briefs and pants and put them on before picking up the phone again; this time a little less embarrassed. It made things at least a bit more bearable under these circumstances.
“So, here we are …”
“Yes, I suppose so …”
“How are you calling?”
“How? …I don’t understand.”
I listened to him breathe calmly on the other end of the line. There were no other noises besides our silence, so he had to be somewhere private. Maybe at home even.
“I mean … how did you get my number?” I whispered as though somebody could hear us after all. It didn’t even feel real. Awkward. We’d never talked on the phone before; it had been months before I’d seen him again a few days ago. I didn’t know how to shake this unpleasant feeling off of me.
“You … did send me a message earlier, didn’t you?”
Oh no. Oh no. I couldn’t quite tell him that I hadn’t intended to send it to him, could I?
“Er … yes. I guess so. Yeah …”
Stupid fucking Irish bastard. Even if I’d sent it knowingly – I hadn’t expected him to go full-on nuts and call me right away?! In which world was that acceptable? I scratched my head nervously and waited for his next move. I was honestly as awkward as the next guy in real life, especially in situations I’m thrown into just like that. So this could only get progressively worse.
“I’m sorry if my call took you by surprise. It’s just … I really did miss you, too. And I’d thought about you when I got your message. So I just called.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just didn’t say anything at all. I couldn’t tell if this ache in my stomach was the result of me being happy or not being able to accept what was happening. Maybe I was just weary; suspicious. I couldn’t see through him and it bothered me.
“I’m still in Japan, by the way …”
Obviously, I was still attracted to him. Or else this encounter wouldn’t have been so damn awkward on my side. I wouldn’t have searched for a picture to jerk off to. And if I’d been more careful, I probably wouldn’t have sent the message by accident.
But I just couldn’t bring out a word, so I heard him sigh in the background. “Listen … I’m really sorry for what happened. I can’t make you fancy me and I’d understand if it’s been too long since then. We only hooked up once after all. It’s crazy to act like that after a One-Night-Stand.”
I frantically searched for anything that caught my attention and glued me into place. Anything that could tell me what to say next. What to think next. But I couldn’t find anything. Couldn’t think of a single argument. The room was bright from the shadows of the day and white and grey and black. My dogs were asleep. And the couch beneath me felt far too firm. It was so hard to concentrate. There had been a time when I’d known what I wanted to say to him but it was all gone now. “I’m honestly so bad at this on the phone. You’re still in Japan? Then let’s meet up.”
Breathing on the other end. I couldn’t believe what I had just blurted out and so I bit my lip so hard I didn’t feel the ache anymore after a short second. I knew it was silly worrying about his response when it was him calling me and telling me that he missed me. I just couldn’t help it.
“Yes,” he responded at last and I could hear him ponder over my rushed words. “Yes, let’s do that.”
***
We decided to meet up in Sakae this evening when the sun had already set and had left us with a dark cloak of anonymity. The lights were flashing bright and the laughter of cheerful night owls lay thickly in the early autumn air. That’s why I wanted to meet him in the Sakae Park instead. It wasn’t big or anything, but at least it wasn’t that far away from Sakaemachi Station but also not directly next to Kibo no hiroba, Oasis 21 or Nagoya terebi tō. Sakae was, after all, a busy downtown area and lively throughout the night. But I honestly felt more comfortable talking with him here. Not at home. Not at another Izakaya. It was dark and late and most people chose going shopping or doing karaoke over strolling through a dimly lit park in the middle of the night.
Nervously, I clutched my grey coat closer to my body and pulled my baseball cap down low over my face. It wasn’t that tremendously cold yet but this mild uneasiness in my bones made my whole frame shake and shiver. I was sitting on a small wooden bench and waited for my heart to calm down. Why did it feel like meeting an ex in order to sort out confused feelings after a nasty breakup? Something inside my head tried to tell me that it would go away eventually. I should ignore it. But acknowledging his sudden appearance made it far too real all of a sudden and my feelings started to bubble up inside of me uncontrollably.
I put up my hands to my face to breathe on them; warming them up. They were ice cold. And my heart raced for miles. My feet wouldn’t hold still. Each and every little noise startled me. I was on high alert and I hated myself for acting so childishly. That I couldn’t control my emotions at all. We’d played at the Budokan. We’d made it. Friends, family and other bands we were close friends with came to congratulate us. There were flowers and cards and it was filmed. We’d truly made it in Japan. You know you’d made it when you’d played at the Budokan. We’d accomplished so many truly insane things. We were in our 30’s. But I guess there was still something missing …
“Masato?”
When I looked up, Colin squinted down at me. I couldn’t quite see it in the dark – only the back of his head was illuminated by the street lights and made his face appear even darker – but I’d thought I’d seen a small smile.
“Hi,” I replied as I got up somewhat hesitantly. But there was nothing to wait for. I couldn’t exactly stay here on this bench. The greeting was awkward and it seemed like we both didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t shake his hand and I sure as hell didn’t try to hug him. He didn’t, either. He had to have been warry after our last meeting. Couldn’t blame him.
“Wasn’t so hard to get here, was it?”
“No,” he shook his head accompanied by the thick accent in his dark voice. Again, a shiver ran down my spine and let the little hairs all over my body stand on end. He was taller than me still, of course, and in the blurry darkness I could sense the outline of his body and it was hard not to touch him right then and there after all.
For a short second I tried to recall all of those strange happenings that had led to us meeting here. Plot twists and incidents you’d only expect to find in films and novels. He’d come to Japan because of me; to find me. I had to keep reminding me of that fact over and over again so as not to make a huge mistake. I owed him a second chance. I owed him that much. And I knew I had to forgive myself as well. I owed me, too.
“Should we just … walk for a while?”
“Fine by me,” I heard him laugh light hearted as though we were planning on going to a tea party instead. Sometimes I worried that he might not feel the same agony I had felt. This longing and itching for his fingertips on my skin. His lips on mine. His laughter in my ears. But I knew I had to rely on my faith this time. He showed affection differently. I knew he cared. He had to.
As soon as we started walking slow little rounds across the tiny park, I felt my shoulders lift and become lighter already. I exhaled deeply and risked a hesitant side glance to try and guess how his face looked but it was just too dark. It wasn’t as cold anymore; maybe because I wasn’t sitting on this cold bench anymore, maybe because I felt the warmth of his body radiating towards me in a soft, caressing brush of air. It was him then who raised his voice softly to speak first.
“I’m sorry you had to come here to meet me, this could have been handled a lot better,” he mumbled under his hot breath with his eyes glued to the path in front of us. He wasn’t unsure, he didn’t sound like it; it was just his accent all over again. “But I want you to know that I’m still sorry about it all. I was so preoccupied with life … I didn’t realise what was happening. Before I knew … half a year had passed. And I couldn’t forget you.”
I swallowed hard and gave myself a few more moments to let it sink in. This wasn’t news to me. I believed him that he had missed me and that he cared for me. That he liked me. I had forgiven him, deep known. I knew it. But I was wrestling with far scarier demons – what was about to happen? What if we liked each other? What then? What would it lead to if we were on the other ends of the world; separated because of work and life?
When I looked at him; when I thought of him … I didn’t think of him as a fling. I longed for him, yes, but there were feelings. Huge, scary feelings. Something I had scarcely felt before. An affair just wasn’t in the picture here. I wanted more. More or nothing at all. So at my age … it was natural to think this far already now, wasn’t it?
“I feel like such a stupid mug, really,” he suddenly laughed into the silence before I could say anything first. It sounded apologetic enough to stop me in my tracks and make me start listen closely again. “I’ve never met anyone like you. That scared me.”
“I believe you, you know,” it broke out of me just like that. And I breathed out exhaustedly as if I had held my breath the whole time. “I think that had to be said. I believe you and I … guess I feel the same. Only that I’ve committed to those feelings a bit … faster. I’m trying to get over myself here.”
“Yeah … I guess we both are.”
During the last few minutes we had involuntarily started walking closer to the other, as if an invisible power had drawn us together. We didn’t look where we were going anymore or didn’t care. We were just walking. And thinking. And sometimes listening to the other’s breathing. Somewhere in the distance the muffled sounds of cars and voices.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead.”
“Did you hook up with your ex-boyfriend that night?” he whispered a bit lost and for the first time ever I could actually sense that his feelings for me might just be real after all. Even if it was only jealousy. It was dripping off his tongue and it made me smile and warm me up from the inside. “I know it’s none of my business … And I swear I’m not judging, but–”
“Yes, I did.” Again, I couldn’t hold onto myself. But I also wanted him to stop babbling awkward nonsense. I could sense that he wasn’t used to feeling like this and to say things like these. Even if I wasn’t, either. I tried. “It didn’t mean anything, though.”
“I guess I deserved that then,” he chuckled clumsily and a second later, his hand accidentally brushed mine and he jumped but he did not pull away.
“It’s not about deserving anything or not. I didn’t do that to mess with you. I might have been disappointed … or frustrated. And I guess he was there.”
Finally I risked a fleeting glance at Colin and I could see him nod in the dark. I wanted to be honest with him because that was what it took. The bare minimum. “I see … Well, colour me jealous, then.”
I smirked silently and tried my hardest not to let him see or hear it; I was just so amused by our little conversation that I ignored each and every little voice in my head and put my arm around his shoulders to pull him closer to me. Just as I had done with Hiro that night, only that Colin was far taller than me and his broad shoulders felt heavenly. Finally I could touch him; allowed myself to touch him. And the best part was: I felt him melting under my fingertips as well.
“Nothing to be jealous about, but I appreciate your honesty. We fought again. There’s a reason why he’s my ex …”
I felt myself slowly gaining more control over this situation and my own feelings. It lifted my spirits into the sky and my chest felt like it was about to explode. Something I hadn’t felt for years and years. My fingertips were hot, as were the tips of my ears. I smiled; brightly, until my ears hurt. This felt so right. It felt like he was finally mine. I couldn’t think about all the issues confronting us like swallowed demons anymore. Finally I had made up my mind that I wouldn’t let them tonight.
“I like this …” I listened to him hum; the vibration in his voice ringing nicely comforting in my ears as he nestled closer to me. It was like the ice between us had finally melted into nothingness and had just left enough water at our ankles to make us shiver with anticipation of what was to come. “You know I was at your concert, right?”
“You were?”
“I picked you up next to the venue, didn’t I?”
His words slightly startled me, so I didn’t really think anything of it as I let go of his shoulders subconsciously. We had stopped walking and stood there, in the middle of the street. Somehow, somewhen … we had left the park, apparently. “I … wow, now you’re pushing, huh? … Since when did you know?”
It was brighter now, seeing that we were on an actual street with lots of colourful neon lights and passing cars, so I could see his face; and his dark blue eyes glistened exhilarated, dimples pulling at his cheeks. Dark stubble framed his face nicely. But this time, he didn’t wear a beanie. I wondered. “A while. You know that your face pops up when you type in one of your songs, right?” he laughed with a high pitch in his voice; his eyes almost closed. “That song you were singing back at the hotel? Yeah …”
“Don’t tell me you remembered the lines. We only now published the song.”
“I had tried to search for it before. I found it weird that it never got me anywhere. And then … suddenly it did.”
Silence. I gave myself some moments to mull this over. Had he even found me had I sang a different song back then? Had he even wanted to in the first place? And was that even important?
“You can’t imagine my face when I realised that was you. I felt so stupid. And then … sort of turned on.”
“Oh jeez, would you–” I stumbled over my own words and transformed my first impulse, namely to push my hand hard against my face, into holding his mouth shut instead, literally. Then we both laughed out loud about all the tension and awkwardness and pleasant static in the air between us until he shoved my hand away.
“I sucked you off and came all over your shoes; I bet you can bear to hear some words.”
“Oh my God, Colin …” I smiled unbelievingly as I turned away to continue walking but I was still amused all the same. Funny how I’ve always thought that I needed to be in charge when it was actually the other way around. “It’s just that I … it’s weird, yeah? And then you went to see the concert?”
He nodded. “Not quite my kind of music … but the energy was infectious. I had the time of my life, really,” he again broke out into warm laughter and I felt myself relax into his voice. How could he draw me in so easily?
We walked alongside the street now; people passed us but didn’t look at us. Sometimes they did. Probably because of Colin’s foreign appearance. Walking next to him, I had to have looked more foreign, too. I didn’t know where we were going, but I was hyper aware that we were now surrounded by other people and the public. It felt nice, however, to have walked out of the pitch black park; at least it was a stark contrast to the street leading to Oasis 21.
“You know … It’s kind of embarrassing to say, but I find it mildly ironic that I fell for a singer.”
Walking next to him, I took a look at his face to see his reaction, but he did not look back at me. Every now and then our shoulders bumped but our hands didn’t so much as brush against the other again. “Why’s that?”
“My newest film … it’s the reason I’d been so busy, honestly. My character falls for a foreign singer, too.”
I smiled as I remembered the trailer I’d watched both intrigued and with a heart beating frantic rhythms of underlying panic … and then got off to one of his pictures. I’d forgotten about it all together. Or conveniently erased it from my memory for a few hours. It’d been a day since then. And now my ears were hot all over again.
“I’ve watched the trailer …”
Now he chuckled nervously and scratched some spot behind his ear like an uneasy cat; but I saw this trivial quirk and had to smile nonetheless. This situation was still surreal and I’d dreamt of living through it. Just talking about anything and everything; telling him my innermost thoughts and sharing with him my fears and joys and everything that I appreciated about him. Being so honest with him felt as though being lifted out of sky deep water. It didn’t happen as much with Japanese people. Not that early on, anyway. But somewhere deep inside of me I knew that I needed that.
“Good, yeah. Good to know,” he nodded at me with a face ripe of mild embarrassment, “I just want you to know that … that that was basically me coming out.”
“Coming out to … who?”
He chuckled again and did a nervous little dance with his fingers which he then stuffed away awkwardly. “The public? I haven’t told them directly. I never do with these things. I’m really just a very private person in general. But I told them that Benjamin was basically me back in my teenage years. I know they understood.”
“Huh …”
It felt like this whole thing had been a huge deal for him after all, even if he’d never say so. Next to me, I could sense his body shake softly, but then it stopped. He wasn’t insecure about his sexuality, that wasn’t it. And yet … this side of him surprised me.
“Why are you so private?”
He shrugged his shoulders just as a couple passed us on the street, but I only had eyes for him. “Always have been, I don’t know … I’m just a quiet bloke from a little rural-like town in Northern Ireland. What even is ‘Instagram’?”
I snickered amused before again taking hold of his shoulders and shaking him gently before pulling him close to my chest for a few long seconds. Then he retreated.
“I know– No, I know what Instagram is,” he laughed as he freed himself from my friendly grip. “Actually, I recently registered … just to follow you.”
“Get out,” I said with a voice thick of disbelief. We had stopped walking and now stood right in front of the UFO-like building Oasis 21, which loomed, blue neon-lights and all, in the background. As always, the place was alive with lots of different people but I still only had eyes for him. I hadn’t expected anything like that and was now rightfully taken aback.
“No … But I’ll tell you why at a different time.”
His blue eyes gleamed excitedly, probably from pure happiness and from all those colourful lights; they tinted his dark hair an otherworldly arctic colour, too, as if he was just a projection inside a video game. But we were facing each other now. He was here and so was I. Smiles bright on our lips and our panting, out of outright devouring excitement, staining the air left and right.
I just couldn’t take this “no-touching-allowed”-flirting any longer now that we were surrounded by people.
“Sorry, Masato,” I heard him mumble before I saw him rush towards me. I couldn’t seem to react in any way, honestly, before he had me tackled into a short-lived but passionate mouth-on-mouth kiss; soft hands framing my face longingly and all. Then he stood right in front of me again as if nothing had happened. White puffs of air leaving our mouths.
One second. Exhale. Two seconds. Inhale. Holding my breath.
I felt the tips of my ears grow hot again and this time I couldn’t say whether out of panic or arousal. Maybe both.
“Are you insane?” I mouthed as I dragged him away from the daylight-lit building and passing people while I frantically looked over my shoulder; paranoid. I knew he felt sorry for losing control so very easily but he did not understand the consequences.
“Look, even ‘normal’ couples don’t do that in public here.” I shook my head and concentrated on the path in front of us, leading us away from all the hustle and bustle.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise … and then it was too late.”
“I wouldn’t have cared so much in the park …” I sighed as I felt my heart calm down to a relatively normal rhythm again the more we diverged from the station. “But look, I’m sure it’s okay. It was just a second and people here usually respect privacy. I’m not a big celebrity …”
I couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy after this encounter, nonetheless.
Colin next to me nodded silently but his unusually pale complexion told me he was as anxious as I felt. Different countries have different customs after all. He did not know any better. But this was a delicate topic here.
“Hey, it’ll be alright, cheer up,” I smiled wonkily but cushioned the urge to give him a friendly nudge. “Let’s just … calm down and go to my place? There’s an opened bottle of white wine in my fridge …”
***
“I really don’t know what’s gotten into me, sorry,” Colin apologised for the seventh time this night and made a tensed up face; little wrinkles appeared next to the corners of his mouth. As time passed, I had lost the ability to know what to say exactly because it couldn’t be changed and since I was sure that no one had noticed for real, these icky feelings of unrest and queasiness would eventually subside. Or so I hoped.
So I shrugged and put on somewhat of a strained face myself. “Don’t be. Just remember not to do that again,” I laughed lightly and took a sip from my glass. I deliberately held back on telling him to stop apologising and hoped he’d gotten the subtle message.
Had it been risky to take him with me on the train to my apartment after this encounter? Maybe, maybe not. Celebrities here went years and years without having their personal relationships discovered and suddenly married out of the blue. Granted, usually none of them were gay.
I watched my fingers play with the stem of the wine glass. We were sitting on my huge grey corner sofa; in front of us the white couch table with a view out of the glass front. Around us the soft, dimmed light creating a comfortable atmosphere that made my gloomy thoughts a tad lighter as they retreated to the back of my head but I could still feel them linger there. It had irrevocably reminded me of the fact that I was different after all. That I had told myself that I still found women attractive and that I would eventually meet the right person to marry and have kids with; and maybe I still did … in some way. But attraction in some way was not enough anymore in this case. All I wanted was someone I could go up in flames for and it’d been long since I’d last felt this way about a woman. There weren’t many openly gay public figures around here; not many role models. Here, you either married a person of the opposite gender or you just didn’t. People didn’t go around proclaiming their support of the LGBTQ-community. There weren’t any famous people who used their voices to press ahead the movement and educate the stubborn masses. And I just knew that I didn’t want to be the guinea pig.
“Can I do anything to lighten your mood?” he asked innocently with a small smile playing upon his lips, before he put his left hand on my knee. I was positive that he hadn’t intended it to be received in a flirty manner, but it made me grin in a childish way nonetheless.
With a soft sigh, I leaned the back of my head against the back rest to look him in the eyes sleepily – their colour resembled nothing but recently fallen winter rain. Nothing you’d see often. “It helps that you’re here … That you’ve come back to my place. I appreciate it.”
“And yet … You look as if you’ve got a lot on your mind.”
“I do. But I’m afraid I’m not ready to tell you yet.”
Colin nodded understandingly as he drew back his hand after he had brushed cautiously up and down my thigh a few times. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that all of this felt so intimate; so exciting and yet so familiar. As if we’d known each other for much longer already. He made it hard for me to breathe and my heart agitated. I anxiously took in all that was him; the perfectly straight nose, his dimples when he smiled, his smooth underarms and broad chest hidden underneath that flattering button-down. His slightly too long black locks curling around his ears. He had them set back, he’d told me. They surely weren’t as prominent anymore as in his Merlin-days but I still didn’t quite know what to think of that. I had already met him with pinned-back ears; though, when looking at older pictures, I did find them charming. They’d suited him in a strange way.
“No need to,” Colin proclaimed with a soothing tone in his voice and took a sip of his drink as well. I just loved listening to him speak and watching his lips move; his dark accent was nurturing some inner demon inside of me and I did not yet know if that was a good thing. “But I’ll be listening whenever you want me to.”
By then, he had crossed his legs and our knees were faintly touching; his left arm wrapped around the back rest, so ultimately around my shoulders as well. Sitting there closely intertwined and slightly intoxicated, I didn’t want to think about all of these issues anymore. It felt good, being here with him. I felt safe. As safe as I could feel, anyway. And it felt right. So, again, I tried to shove these thoughts to the back of my head and wondered for a short second how well it would work out this time around.
I saw my chance the moment he carefully placed his glass back onto the table and felt myself dashing forward without having finished my last thought completely. With my hands caressing his face, I pressed my lips onto his’ as though I couldn’t breathe without him and I had to smile against his teeth when he drew in a surprised breath. The body wants what it wants.
So this was it – the final straw. I really did need him to breathe; to live. Who was I kidding? His soft lips on mine felt unimaginably heart-wrenching; like everything I’ve ever longed for. I could feel his teeth hidden behind them with every little peck and bite. Those lips were more delicate than any others I’d ever kissed. They felt foreign and yet thoroughly exhilarating. Nothing I was used to. Our kisses earlier this year in winter had been tainted with lust and desire, and these were too, but they were something more altogether. Longing and affection had been mingling and mixing long before; tucking relentlessly at my nervous system and soul. And finally I could kiss him again, this time with more passion; more lust and feelings and my whole heart on the silver plate but I did not care. Either he took me whole or not. This time, I wouldn’t let him go.
“Now it’s allowed?” he managed to croak out between tongue on tongue and little pecks.
I nodded against his forehead and was about to push him back on the sofa and yelped surprised when he pulled me onto his lap instead. “There’s a right time and place for everything,” I added breathlessly.
“I see,” he mused against my lips; this kiss now gentle and soft and slowly fading into somewhat of a lively game between us. “You didn’t plan this, did you?”
I shook my head no and couldn’t resist the temptation to let my hands wander down his neck to feel his biceps and chest and abs. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever sat on anyone like that before but I liked the unfamiliar rush of excitement shooting through my body like little heat waves whenever I inhaled his breath. I could feel his hard dick pressing against my thigh and eventually became aware of my own jeans being too tight.
Time had honestly stopped in its tracks. My mind was so fuzzy with affection and desire that I probably couldn’t intervene even if I wanted to. I didn’t think about tomorrow anymore; or even about the next couple of hours. There was just the sole and deep urge to touch him wherever I could; to kiss him until both our lips went numb … to hear him gasp my name in my ears. I didn’t want to dominate him – suddenly this idea grew very uninteresting in my mind. For the first time in … ever – I realised why people preferred having sex with people they actually loved.
After a while he loosened his soft grip from my jaw where he had held me to kiss me and leaned back; from under half-closed lids, I felt his stare churn this foreign fire deep inside of me further. A desperate sigh left my mouth. “You look so awfully pretty like that,” he breathed out.
Colin let his thumb rest on my lower lip before letting it wander downwards to feel the pulse on my neck, then stopping at my Vena-Tattoo. Another whimper. I lost my breath. I knew that I was prone to blushing hot when I was aroused and so bothered; but I also knew that my lips had to be swollen as well and that one was new. Colin on the other hand didn’t look quite as troubled. He eyed me up and down with a fixating stare; his rainy eyes clouded with what seemed like craving too; and under it I felt myself and the rest of my restraint melt like the freaking polar caps.
“Will you get rid of your shirt for me, Princess?”
As if hypnotised, I managed a short nod before pulling my white shirt over my head and letting it fall to the floor; the cold air now sweeping over my skin, sparking goose bumps and sending shivers down my spine. I had missed being called like that. For the longest time I hadn’t even realised what that did to me; what that could do to me – the power he held over me simply by using as plain a word as that. I just couldn’t get it into my head. I had used it on Hiro not long ago, more or less subconsciously, but it just didn’t have the same impact, either for me or him. And I just couldn’t quite put my finger on why, aside from the fact that Colin could probably say a lot and I’d still worship each and every word right off his God damn lips.
“You’ve never been handled like this before, have you?”
Again, a weak shake of my head. I heard my pulse in my ears. Then he grabbed my hips to press his groin against mine. While I yelped in surprise like an innocent teenager, he let out a long, satisfied sigh. I felt my ears grow hot. I’d just never been in a situation where I was the sub; where I didn’t know his next move and being ultimately at the mercy of someone else and not in charge for once.
“I bet you’re gonna love it. My cock deep inside you, doll, you’re gonna love it so much.”
His promise, thick with want and anticipation, made me think about how it would feel; how his cock inside of me would feel when he filled me up. I’d never been there. I didn’t even know what his dick looked like. And at the very thought, I felt my heart skip another beat. There was a short exchange of heated glances and immediately after I broke the contact, he pulled me towards him by the back of my neck into yet another kiss. I whimpered and he groaned and with all my might I tried to press my body as close to his’ as I could possibly manage. My hands where everywhere all at once, I’d lost track of them all together. I just knew that his chest felt heavenly and my jeans were too tight and I couldn’t get enough of his breath on my tongue and his nose on my cheek. I just couldn’t seem to get quite close enough, no matter how hard I tried.
Somewhere along the way, he had lost his button-down shirt and he or I, I couldn’t recall, had opened up my fly and now my erection poked out at him quite frankly. Feeling kind of awkward about it, I decided to get up from his lap. But then standing right in front of him, I suddenly had the most amazing view of his broad and well-toned chest and stomach, so I forgot to breathe for a second. He wasn’t as scrawny as he appeared at first glance; which I had undoubtedly discovered in my google image search of him. How could he manage to hide that so well? I was neither lanky, nor was I fat by any means – but compared to him I seemed so small and short.
“Wanted to have a better look?” he smirked and moved into a comfortably sprawled out position on the sofa now; covering practically the entire space. Almost no place for me left to sit next to him. Then, after a while, I boldly climbed out of my jeans and tried not to look too lost and unsure. Because I wasn’t, I was so endlessly excited about this whole thing, I just didn’t know what to expect.
“Come here, beautiful,” he whispered breathlessly, as if in awe, as he softly beckoned me over and eased my doubts in the process. I swore he had to have seen my heart pounding beneath my chest, ready to jump out of it, when I’d finally shuffled close enough so that my feet touched the couch. With loving fingers he took a soft hold of my hips and leaned forward. I held my breath when his lips touched me. He was so confident in what he was doing; it didn’t feel fake at all, almost as if it really came naturally to him. And thus it felt so easy for me to melt into his touches and obey his soothingly voiced demands. Suddenly I knew why it felt so different compared to me ordering Hiro around – Colin did it in such a loving, appreciating way that you didn’t even have time to question it. It was hot, following every request of him that is, but I also loved being treated like something precious by him. I wanted to give it to him all – my undying compliance and the chance of having someone he could protect and care for. Someone who moaned just for him. I felt my heart take a leap at the thought.
“You can answer me, you know,” he breathed and his hot breath warming up the fabric of my briefs made me shiver. Then he looked up at me from under his long dark lashes. “I want to hear your pretty voice,” he mouthed at my clothed erection but I could only muster up a weak nod instead.
Not even slightly bemused, he continued on with his efforts and I was back at the hotel. The lights were off and faint car noises reached my ears. Everything was clouded in a delicate kind of mist and felt so new and exciting and suddenly I realised with a missed heartbeat that this time I was sure that I wanted him; that I wanted this, us, and that there was a chance of him staying. Finally.
“Will you touch me, please?”
Colin chuckled. “I will swallow you down, sweetie.”
I hadn’t realised that my mouth stood wide open but now I was in an urgent need to catch my breath and welcomed my ungraceful expression. With careful hands, he pulled down my briefs and suddenly I stood naked in front of him; my hard cock twitching at the mere thought of him taking me inside his mouth. Even though we’d had sex before, we hadn’t been naked together. He’d never seen me naked and neither had I seen him, but now that it was happening, it felt like pure ecstasy running through my veins. Suddenly I knew why Hiro liked it so much – this faint sense of being at his mercy and at the same time I was functioning as his little doll he could delight in. He could look at and get off to.
Then he finally delivered on his promise and started to lick a tender line up my shaft. I moaned under his tongue and he grinned. My hands now in his hair. “A cock ring would look so pretty on you, doll.”
I could only mumble something very unintelligible before he was already licking the tip of my cock to make it wet before taking me all in. I instinctively held on to his hair so tight that I had to loosen my grip again when I noticed, though Colin did not seem to be bothered in any way. With half-closed eyes, I watched his head, slowly bobbing back and forth, blur into a mist of blacks and whites, sending sparks through my whole body. He was so insanely good at it that it made it hard for me to stop him. But I wouldn’t have been able to control myself any longer hadn’t I intervened. And Jesus, I would have regretted it.
“You already want more?”
His voice was soft and did not at all sound rigid and as though he’d just deepthroated someone. Smooth like freshly fallen snow and just as bright it was and maybe I just focused too much on that aspect so as to avoid the actual question he’d asked. But yes, yes I wanted more of him. So desperately.
My breath came out at a rapid rhythm now but also wouldn’t slow down. Then he finally took the hint and stood back up. Close to my naked self, he appeared to be even taller. “You know, you have to tell me. I’ll make you comfortable.”
He brushed my right cheek and jawline with his thumb and I felt his breath on my lips. His dark coloured blue eyes, or what I could see of them covered by his thick lashes, were clouded but attentive. Then I nodded. “I want more of you.”
Colin smiled lovingly before he kissed me. Every spoken word directed at him felt like miles and miles of stones falling off my shoulders. It was hard every time, telling him exactly what I wanted, giving in to his dominating nature, but then it got easier every time I’d do it and this rush of excitement whenever he’d flash a proud smile after that, was addicting. It made me smile, too. It made my heart flutter and cheeks glow. It was like training a young dog, really, if you’d think about it. Praise and telling off. The thing was, though, that it worked. I knew about it and I wanted it to work. I wanted his attention and wanted to make him proud.
“Tell you what, princess, you’re gonna hop onto the sofa and wait for me. I’ll go get some lube and a condom.”
Again, I nodded well-behaved and did as I was told. I didn’t quite know how to feel, though. I was so excited to finally feel him but I also didn’t know what to expect. Obviously I’d had anal sex before, just not on the receiving end. I knew how to prepare and how to relax. I knew what he’d do to me, probably. But giving in and just letting go of your control was not as easy as it sounded. So I tried to relax after I had giving him unintelligible clues as where to find all of it.
I watched him stroll into the living room again with slow, confident steps and a smirk on his lips; condom and lube dangling in his hand. His pants were open and rode low on his hip bones; he wasn’t wearing his socks anymore. This ridiculously fascinating view of him almost made me want to hide away again. I didn’t think I was ugly … but he was just so gorgeous.
His smooth laughter in my ears when he sat down gingerly calmed my nerves again. I felt like such a stupid little virgin.
“It’ll be so good,” he whispered into my ear as his lips grazed my skin and his fingertips my cock, his other arm wrapped around my shoulders, “I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it for days.”
My thoughts jumped from him sucking my dick to his fingers fucking me and then his cock deep inside of me. It was pure chaos up in there and so I kissed him to quieten up my lousy head. For one second I thought I’d seen surprise in his eyes but the next second the impression was gone and he was kissing me back with everything he’d got; hand on my jaw and fingers in my hair.
“When I watched you on stage, screaming and growling, all I could think of was you on my cock.”
My heart pounded loud in my ears and even though I felt like that this was my clue to get embarrassed, I just felt so frighteningly turned on.
“I really want to do that before, though,” I hummed soft-spoken, a bit nervous, as I broke the kiss and got to my knees instead. It was not so easy getting rid of his jeans even though they sat so very loosely on his hips. Once his pants and briefs were gone, though, I had to hold my breath. I wasn’t one to judge and, honestly, size didn’t matter to me as an at-least-bisexual-probably-gay-man, anyway. I’d never thought about it this way. But his cock surely was bigger than I had expected. Not large, not 8 ½ inches. But proper thick. Staring at it in somewhat of a state of awe, I couldn’t figure out if I could even take it into my mouth, let alone my arse.
“That’s a can of coke,” I joked and only then did I hear myself and laughed to cover up my awkwardness. Luckily, he laughed too.
“We’ll be careful and we’ll take it from there,” he breathed; voice raspy and low and with his fingers in my hair again. I loved those affectionate touches so very much. His cock twitched while I looked at it and I could swear it got even bigger. But I really, really wanted him inside my mouth, too. All we had ever done was him sucking me off. I just really wanted to know how he’d taste and smell like and how he’d feel. The weight of him on my tongue. I’d never before been confronted with “issues” like these and I had never really spent a single second thinking about anything like that. I’d never had to. But I knew that I trusted him and that I didn’t need to be nervous. So I went along.
I had sucked dicks before of course. I loved it, too. Even though I’d let Hiroki handle the majority of the dick-sucking. It’d been a while, though, but when I got close to him and breathed in this familiar scent, I felt the desire in me build a mountain. My heart jumped just as my tongue touched the underside of his cock for the first time. I couldn’t exactly look up and him in the eye, he had his head thrown back and our positions were too awkward, but I heard him sigh in a low voice and that was all I needed to go on. My hands, that I had been resting on his naked thighs, now moved of their own accord up and down, so did my tongue. It was a hell of a task to get him wet enough for me to finally take him in fully. Wouldn’t exactly be smooth enough dry, but there was just so much surface.
I loved the way he winced when I reached his tip and started to suck on it and felt myself grin so that my teeth touched him only faintly. He looked so breathtakingly amazing like this, I just couldn’t comprehend how I had such a beautiful person at my mercy and in my mouth. And when I first took him full in, he moaned and I felt it grow hot between my legs. I hadn’t been aware that sucking dick could do something like this to you. I literally felt my desire rise to unknown heights and my cock wouldn’t stop twitching. I just couldn’t figure out how to take him fully into my mouth, it would only go so far. But Colin still seemed to enjoy it; moaning, groaning, he held onto my hair and guided me up and down gently. Not too forcefully but still determined. Having such a hard and thick cock inside your mouth was an exciting feeling I’d never felt before. It made my mouth water and honestly look forward to the next part of this. I was so hot all over. So hot and bothered that I didn’t even realise it when he finally pulled me up and off his cock to give me a sloppy kiss. I was gone by then; totally wasted and high on his smell and taste. Eyes hooded, mouth open.
“You want more, don’t you?” he whispered; almost as drunken as I felt. I nodded.
Yes. Yes, right now I didn’t want anything more than me naked on his lap. Feeling his hands wander across my body, hearing his moans and little sighs; crying my name. I wanted to touch his warm skin and burn the image and feel of him deep into my soul so that I would not be able to forget about it ever again. I didn’t know when we could be seeing each other again. And I didn’t want to think about that right now.
“Come here to me, pretty,” Colin slurred and gestured for me to join him on the couch, so I hastily got up and sat next to him. I lost myself in the way he looked at me tenderly; tracing invisible paths we were yet to take onto my skin with his finger. His breath on my cheek and his beard stubble almost touching my skin; tickling. He was so close. My heart skipped a beat. “Just relax, yeah? You’re gonna love my two fingers inside of you.”
I nodded, felt a delicate blush creep on my cheeks, but there was just nothing I could do anymore. My body was not mine, neither was my head. It was as though I had entirely surrendered to him; body and mind. My eyes clouded with lust and drunken with want. Fuzzy. Like cotton wool inside my head. I’d never before experienced anything like it but I knew that I was about to get addicted.
I only casually noticed how he spread some lube on his fingers to warm it up; next thing I knew he started touching me gingerly down there, drawing gentle circles and adjusting me to the feeling. It was foreign, I had to admit, though the idea of it had always been in the back of my mind, so I wasn’t really surprised when it felt better than I’d expected.
I was still lying in his arms, having spread my legs ever so slightly, feet on the couch. He was good at this; still not too forceful and slow enough for me to enjoy it. But there was a certain boldness to it, too. He knew what he was doing and so I could relax into his movements and little purrs of affection and love. His thumb caressing my shoulder and little pecks on my neck. Until he pushed one finger in. But it came naturally, there was no time to be surprised. I’d been so ready for this. If anything, I longed for more.
And so I voiced my displeasure with a soft moan. I wasn’t even able anymore to look him in the eye; I had my eyes closed and closed they wanted to remain. But his finger felt so dangerously on the edge of being satisfying-yet-not-satisfying-enough, the way he moved; pushing in and out and growing faster with every movement. He knew it, I knew he did. He loved to tease me; I could feel his grin on my cheek and his rapid breathing on my skin. I knew he watched me going insane. Until a second finger finally joined. I yelped when he did it but it didn’t feel foreign anymore, nor did it feel uncomfortable. It felt just like it was supposed to feel when you really wanted someone inside of you – immediately and all at once.
I was clawing at his soft skin at this point and it felt far too hot in here. I grew careless, impatient; shuffled closer and closer to him until I almost sat on his lap. I held onto his shoulders and back and hips and chest as though I was afraid I could slip any second. I didn’t know how to express my longing any other way, really. I’d only ever taken anything I wanted, I’d never been depended. But my mouth remained sewn shut except for a few desperate moans that rolled off my tongue so very heavily. If that was how two fingers felt … how would that end?
“Do you think you have it in you to get on my lap, princess? Do you think you could do that for me?”
His voice was honey-sweet with a tint of a mischievous grin but I couldn’t think straight, all I could feel were his fingers sliding in and out of me. “Shut up,” I whispered; not because he embarrassed me but because I just didn’t know any better. My whole being was already so full of him that I didn’t even think another bit of him could fit inside of me. There was just no space left. My heart felt so full.
But then he pulled out his fingers cautiously and wiped them on a tissue. I watched him breathlessly; totally out of touch with myself and my surroundings. I honestly had tunnel-vision at this point. Next he opened the condom wrapper and put it on; watched me watching him. Smiled encouragingly. Then he took the lube and spread it over his cock. My gaze was fixed on his dick. His hand lingered there ever so slightly. We made eye-contact for a second and then he began stroking himself. Slowly, gingerly so as not to mess with the condom, he massaged up and down and I felt my eyes glued to this sight of him. Suddenly I actually felt like I was blushing. At least my ears grew hot. It made me think about watching him like that all the time, until the end, up until he came.
Honestly, there were just too many sensations going on and I didn’t know which one to give my full attention.
“Do you want to sit on me?” he asked in a seductive tone of voice and there was just no way I would have said no. This time, again, I only nodded and followed through.
With a swift motion, I swung one of my legs over his lap while I held onto his shoulders. I felt his cock twitch against my thigh. I couldn’t hold onto me, so I dashed in to capture his lips and he obliged without a word or gesture of resistance or protest. Now that his fingers weren’t inside of me anymore but my want hadn’t been satisfied, I felt the loss of that filled up space deep inside of me. It kind of … tickled. It sparked thunder and flames. It spread throughout my body and just wanted to be complete again. It was just another kind of longing. Why had I ever missed out on that before?
I felt him position himself, taking his cock in his hand to guide it to my butt. I felt him nudging at my skin. I sighed both in relief and excitement. Then he finally pushed in. I had to admit, my first reaction was to hold still and cramp up. It wasn’t uncomfortable and it didn’t hurt, maybe it was just the surprise of it all and the unfamiliar position. But he waited patiently, I could hear his breath leave his lips in weighty waves; hands firmly on my hips and his eyes only looking at me. Now his vision was just as cloudy as mine.
“It’s okay, take your time,” he mouthed at my lips but I could see him shiver and shake; felt him twitching inside of me. Something we had longed for so insanely long and now mere seconds felt like centuries. That’s why it didn’t take long for me to relax again, seeing that it didn’t hurt at all. All I could feel was this space that wasn’t filled up how it was supposed to and so I lowered myself farther down on his cock. Until I had him almost balls deep inside of me. Colin’s groans were so low that they ringed in my ears. He would have probably made a perfect shouter. I just couldn’t figure out where to put all this arousal and lust and want and all-encompassing desperation.
I felt myself claw at his skin again but he just grinned. Brushed a single strand of hair out of my face. My cheeks had to have been charcoal-glowing red by then. All I was able to hear was my heartbeat in my ears and his breathing on my neck. He kissed my tattoo. I yelped. Then I finally started to move up and down and was blinded by sparks dancing across my vision.
God, I should have listened to Hiroki. It wasn’t even the dominance-kick I needed. I didn’t miss it in the slightest. How could I’d been so strangely wrong about that? All he did was filling me up and I’d never been so perfectly happy in my life before.
With his hands on my hips, he supported me in my awkward movements and for a moment he didn’t do anything other than staring at me with a half opened mouth. I was hypnotised by it and it seemed to be as if my legs moved of their own accord. “You look so awfully pretty like that, doll … Oh my God– you don’t even know what that does to me.”
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. It felt so full and complete. The thrill of it all! The affection I held for him. The excitement of the moment. The lust building camps and fires inside of the pit of my stomach. I knew it was spreading. I could feel it in my fingertips holding onto his skin desperately. I didn’t feel the need to say anything and he didn’t push me. He just wanted to let me know and it felt so good. Everything that had been wrong with mine and Hiroki’s interaction. Love was not just a feeling now after all, was it?
Somewhere along the way he had started to carefully thrust upwards to meet me but there was no way his movements weren’t becoming hastier and harder by the second. I had started to hug his shoulders and bury my nose in his neck and hair. He smelled so gorgeous. I didn’t even feel the need to touch myself; I honestly wouldn’t have thought that a dick inside of you could feel enough. It was a different kind of arousal, a different kind of sensation. We weren’t even fully aware of how loud our moans were that filled the room.
Then he kissed me again, deep this time. It became hard to keep up the rhythm as my arousal got the better of me. I was panting by then and he had to have known that I was exhausted. Not from effort per se, but this different kind of penetration just made your legs weak and your breath shaky and so I was glad that he had started to lead this whole thing.
“I want you to look at me when you come, okay?” he mumbled, I almost hadn’t understood what he had been saying; his lips were heavy and his words were slurred. Honestly, he tried to look as unbothered as he could manage but it didn’t work. He was in this as deep as I was and it made me so childishly giddy inside. “Can you do that for me?”
I nodded. He reached down to stroke my cock. I gasped in surprise.
“You can come all over me too, princess. I want you to.”
My forehead found its way to his on its own. Our hot breath mingled and made our cheeks damp. I just couldn’t describe it, he was so thick and filled me up perfectly and yet it didn’t feel as enormous as in the beginning but it was still so overwhelming. Our rhythm, however, grew more rapid and rapid by the second and somewhere in my head I had the thought that it should actually hurt more than it did but all I felt was pure arousal. We didn’t think about it anymore, it was too easy to just act on it. The harder and faster our movements, the louder our moans became; the more I loved it. By then, we were moving in unison – the way two gear wheels meshed with one another. Like we were made for it. It just felt natural. And soon I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Quite literally even.
“Look at me, look at me,” I heard Colin exclaim forcefully, as if he was actually scared I would forget, but it was too hard not to look him in the eye, anyway. Though, admittedly, it was also hard to keep my eyes open with all those different sensations running through my veins. I alternated between touching his chest and cupping his face with both my hands, I didn’t know where to put them. I just knew that one of his hands was on my cock and the other somewhere on my body, drawing red lines and digging holes.
It all got too much pretty fast. The pressure and friction and heat. And I still couldn’t get as close to him as I desperately needed to. He wasn’t holding off any longer, his thrusts came harsh and deep but I still rolled my hips downwards to meet them. I wanted to make him come. I also wanted to see him come. Our faces were mere inches apart and I could taste his breath on my tongue but his stare kept me from actually diving in to kiss him senseless. I wanted to watch each and every little detail when his features moved to make way for other expressions. To watch his nostrils flare, somehow it made him look even prettier. Realer. If that made sense.
My ears picked up on the change in his voice; his groans becoming deeper and louder. I knew he was close. And now that he’d found the perfect angle and pace to jerk me off, I knew that I couldn’t last any longer, either. Nothing but this mattered anymore and we held onto each other like lovers falling from the sky. I didn’t have to say anything when I was about to come, he knew and held my face in his hand. It was hard keeping my eyes open but the expression in his eyes was worth it all; like a deep understanding and admiration but mingled with this fire still burning in them, it looked so hot. That gave me the last kick, frankly said. That he was watching me closely as I came all over his chest and stomach; the first shot even reaching his neck and jaw, but I only saw it faintly. Like through a curtain. Slowly it began dripping down his sides but he did not stop moving. My body felt so light and insanely hot that it became difficult to move. My heart exploded. I’d never felt so exhausted, my body was just limp. All of these little fireworks exploding in my chest had given me the rest. But now he was close too and I did my best to still meet his thrusts; I could see it in his eyes that me coming had been the last drop, however, and so I watched him close his eyes in ecstasy and scrunch up his nose, mouth wide open. I was in awe. His arms and neck showed his veins as he pushed me further down on his cock a tad too hard and I had to gasp. Now it hurt. But maybe that was because the arousal had been subsiding.
When he’d stopped moving, panting frantically, I cupped his face and kissed him for at least half a minute, I couldn’t really tell. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Those intense feelings rushed so fast through my body so that I felt my eyes well up; tickling. I’d done my best to get as close to him as possible but it seemed like there was no way I could ever achieve that feeling I was seeking. This was as close as it would get. When we parted, he licked his lips contemplatively and brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. A short smile.
“I’ve wanted to tell you how pretty you look but I just couldn’t get out a word seeing you like this.”
I chuckled amused, slightly overwhelmed as I didn’t exactly know what to retort, and reached for the tissue box to wipe the semen from his skin. More than I had expected, by the way, we were lucky it didn’t reach the couch. “You’re such a bootlicker, you know that?” I told him finally but didn’t meet his gaze.
“I’m offended,” he laughed and supported me as I climbed off his lap before he made himself busy with taking off the condom and disposing of it. “Don’t act as if you didn’t like being called pretty, beautiful and princess.”
I shrugged my shoulders and hoped that he meant every single word he’d said, every time he’d said them. But I didn’t exactly want to ask him about it. “Yes, I love it.”
Then he laid his arm around my shoulders to pull me closer and I relaxed into his touch; his smug smile strangely underlining the seriousness of it all. I breathed a sigh of relief. “I love that you enjoy it.”
***
“So, you told me you’d tell me why you followed me on Instagram.”
“That was literally two hours ago, Masato,” I watched him laugh and almost choke on his words, obviously still slightly embarrassed, for whatever reason. He shouldn’t have told me in the first place, really. “Isn’t that obvious, anyway?”
“I want to hear it from your mouth,” I insisted with a straight voice. We’d put on our clothes again and were now lying somewhat on top of one another on the couch. No one smoked by the window this time around, either. But tonight I didn’t care. I didn’t want this to end. It wasn’t just comfortable – it made my heart so perfectly full, like there was no way I could ever be happier in any other moment. I felt at ease with the world as I counted his heartbeats silently and realised that they were mine, too.
“Okay,” he prepared himself, straightening up a bit. His hand on my shoulder did a little patting gesture. “When I found out about you and your band … I just needed to know what you’re up to. I liked seeing you, okay? I stared at some of those pictures … maybe a bit too long.”
He’d started stroking my shoulder again with his thumb while I traced his abs through his shirt. Lying here with him and talking about these things felt so easy all of a sudden. Like a huge weight had been lifted from both our shoulders since we’d had sex. Talking always seemed so easy after that. “So you’re saying that you jerked off to my pictures?”
“I … wouldn’t put it like that.”
“Yeah, me neither if I were you.”
Again, he laughed; this time I felt it on top of my head. Then he placed a kiss there and breathed out, making a spot on my hair feel warm and damp. I followed suit, conveniently leaving out the circumstances of our awkward phone-encounter. “I know we’re just starting out but … I can’t help but to think of where this is gonna take us.”
“Where? I don’t know … forward?” He shrugged his shoulders, I nudged him dissatisfied.
“You know what I mean.”
“The distance …”
“Not only that, you know. We’re both busy people. I have my career and so do you.”
I didn’t even think about the possibility of letting anyone know about our steadily increasing feelings for one another; the relationship we were about to build. One problem at a time, they say. When there was no relationship due to distance problems, I wouldn’t have to fear telling anyone, obviously. But that thought lay heavy like a bag of stones in my stomach and closed up my throat. That feeling when you suddenly had everything you’d ever wished for and then it turns out that you’d been mistaken all along … that wasn’t pleasant at all.
“I’d love to tell you that it’ll all work out fine and that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with matters so difficult to resolve so soon. But that’s not what you want to hear, is it?”
“I’ll get us a glass of water,” I answered queasily instead to dodge the question and got up. No, of course this wasn’t what I wanted to hear from him. Although I should have known it, really. This specific issue wasn’t just resolved on its own, that was just not how things worked. We were from different parts of the world and that was it. It just felt so eerily similar to back then when he walked away from keeping in contact with me. Back at the hotel where he wasn’t concerned about how to find me again. He had found me in the end, obviously, but I did not think that he intended to at first. And that stung.
When I came back with two glasses in hand, he sat upright on the couch and took it without a word. Nipped. Watched the floor. I shuffled about nervously because I didn’t quite know what to say or do. I didn’t want to speak it out loud. Then it would become far too real for my taste. I craved the mysterious after-glow from our hotel room; the dark mist that had settled over us like cotton wool. He had rejected me back then, in a way. But I had not cared as much. Mostly because it hadn’t felt real in the first place. But tonight my heart beat so heavy in my chest that it hurt and it made it hard to breathe.
I love him I love him I love him I love him
Then he got up and looked me in the eye – dead straight.
“Come to London.”
“Wha– I can’t. That’s literally where I’ve just been.”
“I mean, why don’t you move there?”
“I– I … Colin, I have a career here. I can’t just move to a different continent, I–”
Silence. He just stared and as he did so, something in his eyes lit up and I couldn’t pull away from that sight.
“Okay.”
#coldrain#my first story#maifasu#colin morgan#masato hayakawa#hiroki moriuchi#myfirststory#masato david hayakawa#hayakawa masato#moriuchi hiroki#fanfiction#smut#MasaHiro#MasaKi#MasaLin
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