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shivunin · 1 year

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Happy anniversary to me and AO3!!

Here is the aforementioned more coherent post. I have divided it in two parts: a little note and a silly and self-indulgent section (affectionate) where I give some of my fics fun lil superlatives. I'll add a couple little factoids to the latter section, too, just for giggles.

But before all that: I'm not gonna get emotional this time, but I have greatly enjoyed writing Dragon Age fic. I told myself three things when I started, all of them comically incorrect now ("I'm only writing this one story," "I will never write a soulmate AU," and "I will never write a DA2 story; no way could I ever hold a candle to what already exists") and I am so, so glad I was wrong on all counts. I have grown so much as a writer because of fic and I have met some genuinely remarkable people. If you have ever commented, written something in the tags, kudo'd, or bookmarked anything I've written (and especially if you have ever sent me a writing prompt, bless you), from the bottom of my heart: thank you. It has been genuinely incredible to share my love of this series with y'all, and I can only hope you have felt as glad of the experience as I have.

That's really all you need to know---that I'm glad to know you, in whatever sense that means. Thanks for sticking around c:

(and thanks to Cullen for scrambling my brain so thoroughly that I am still doing this a year later when I swore it was just going to be the one story lol)

Anyways! (she says, setting up the cake and candles and kazoos even though the room is otherwise empty)---

I was thinking about what to do for this anniversary that only I am keeping track of, and I decided (because of a trip I took when I was sixteen, which I originally recounted here, but which has no bearing on any of this so I cut it) that it would be funny to give my fics their own imaginary certificates. You know, like participation trophies. For my own entertainment (only a few though; there are twenty-three of them, and that's too many awards). Awards follow:

Best Punch: Your Fate for Mine; after I finished Trespasser the first time, I really wanted to deck Solas, so I let Cullen do it for me. It's the best one because it was the most satisfying to write C: (fun fact also: bless him, my husband proofread all the smut in this fic for accuracy lmao. special side award to my husband for being the best)

Best Kiss: Wander the Drifting Roads; nothing has yet felt as satisfying to me as Emma and Cullen kissing in the rain after all that time. I think about it Often. Also I wrote the first draft of this fic in roughly a week and a half---which is why it needed so much editing later :)

Most Persistent: To the Bone; because I swear to whatever higher power is out there, I tried so hard not to write a soulmate story but Salshira would not be stopped. In the end, I couldn't let the idea go and well, here we are.

Specialest Baby: Tidal Lock; because it is my special baby and the first fic I ever completed. I have a soft spot for it, and oddly enough it has the highest kudos: bookmarks ratio of my works at over half. It was extremely fun to write Cullen as a kid (he is soooo serious) and (for me) there's such a pleasant full-circle element to the narrative.

Best Smut: More than Memory; this one is my imaginary people's choice award, since it was received far and away the best of any smut I've written. I think, and it's just my intuition here, that it's on account of all the yearning. But maybe it's actually cus Cullen is, as always, a hot, hot mess C:

Hyperfocus Award: This one's a tie between Misericordia and Saccharine. As soon as I knew what to write for both of them, I achieved that beautiful state of not noticing the passage of time, anyone around me, the existence of my physical body, nor any of my pressing irl tasks. I wrote both of these in a delightful fog and then came back to it later as if seeing it for the first time. Extremely nice experience, 10/10, would recommend.

Blue Ribbon, Gold Star: A Golden Bell Hung In My Heart; this one gets a special extra award because I think it's probably the best thing I've written so far (at least from a technical standpoint, but it has a lot of my favorite elements, as well). It's one of the few for which I knew what I was trying to write when I set out to write it, and I think I achieved it unequivocally. Also, you know. Presents :)

Tumblr Ficlet Award: lol I am not picking only one. Here're my top three ficlets, based on how pleased with myself I felt when I initially typed them out: Lock and Key (I loooooove a good hurt/comfort), A Fool and His Gold (love yearning, too), and A Bond Beheld (because it includes that knight/liege thing that makes the Cullen romance so!!!).

For posterity: Unless I finish this short fenris/hawke piece open in the other tab, my final word count last year is 516,937 which is....a shocking amount. I probably won't surpass that this year, which is fine. I had no idea I had at least 450,000 words to say about Cullen, but hey, here we are.

That's it for this year---and I have no idea if I'll do this again next year---but thanks if you've read this far! I really wanted an excuse to think back on what I've written this year and have a little laugh to myself :) Have a good Thursday and...yeah. Thanks for reading!

#bleh #is it weird to give your fics lil awards? maybe #i don't care tho i will take my joys where i can find them #i was gonna do oc awards too but it felt mean-spirited #i love all of them #search your hands gets the honorable mention for dithering bc i had that bad boy mostly finished for six months #before i was encouraged to post it #i want to be clear: there's nothing wrong with soulmate fic or stories in general #obviously. i just thought there were too many out there already for me to write one also #briefly considered making a poll lmao but like lbr maybe five people have read all of these #that's a self-indulgent step too far #nb: by 'love of the series' i mean 'love of the framework of da which i have twisted and changed for my own ends' ofc #anyways damn that's a lot of tags if you've read my fic i adore you and i am offering a hug of your preferred level of intensity #no editing we die like kings (willfully ignorant of the wrongs we have committed upon the less fortunate)

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thenarrativefoil · 1 year

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thank god for dayquil/nyquil but beasties I am straight up not having a good time

#text #i've been running a 99.8 fever and i usually sit around 96.7 #ive got a cough now #my sore throat went away and then came back with a vengance #i have had. period cramps. which I haven't had since surgery earlier this year. lots of shooting pains in my arms and legs.#which i assume are blood clots. fun.#also. fatigue. can't really stand up or stay awake for very long.#like thank god I'm on so many antiinflamatories for MCAS.#i was finally looking forward to some easy work days last week and this upcoming week but instead i gotta be sick.#bc ppl dont wear their goddamn masks and this plague mutated into a more contagious variant that isn't stopped by anything less than n95s #i was also going to try and pick up my artwork from my mom's house this weekend but that's not happening obvs. which has been a whole thing.#so many ppl have gotten sick like #THIS week too #ppl that have otherwise avoided covid thus far #and damn if i didn't try to get the bivalent shot at my doctor's office but the pharmacy closed.#i hate that the health of everyone on this fucking planet has been individualized to hell and back and it's so overwhelming #i've had difficulties grappling with it too #we cannot just look out for ourselves we have to actively protect others as well jfc its like this whole country failed the stone age.#tag rant tag rant delirious covid tag rant what fun its like its 2010 or something

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emrylurkeroftheloch · 2 years

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Also because I am thinking about things, god I wish I’d had my autism diagnosis earlier. It made so many things make so much sense. Instead I was just taught to not fidget, taught to make eye contact anyway, had what were probably meltdowns due to overstimulation treated as tantrums, etc. Like, god, if I’d had a diagnosis it would have made things make so much more sense.

I didn’t find out I was autistic until I was an adult. It made a lot of things make sense, but I think the fact I was punished for expressing myself in those ways, for expressing my feelings, my discomfort - “look me in the eyes when I’m talking to you”, “stop fidgetting”, etc - I think that probably has a hell of a lot to do with how emotionally damaged I am now as an adult.

I don’t think my parents were abusive or anything, they had no way of knowing, they never raised a hand against me, never hit me, or anything of the sort. It especially wasn’t intentional or malicious - they didn’t know I had autism, after all, it wasn’t like they were being intentionally cruel to me around it. They mostly rewarded good behaviour on my part, rewarded me when I did what I was supposed to do. It just so happened that doing what I was supposed to do also meant completely ignoring my own feelings, repeatedly putting myself in situations where I would be incredibly stressed and overwhelmed, to the point I’d end up having breakdowns over the smallest of things.

Honestly, the biggest thing that resonated with me as a child, in a way of explaining it, was that it’s like a volcano. You keep all of those emotions suppressed, keep them all pressed down, until suddenly they erupt over one tiny thing. And that eruption is terrible, and it’s destructive, and it causes so much harm.

But, that focus on behaviours over feelings, that lack of understanding of why the behaviours occur, of why a child might be having a melt down, it caused me so damn much pain. The fact that people do that deliberately is abhorent to me. I don’t blame those people though - I’m certain that they are simply aiming to help, and that they can’t understand what they’re doing is wrong. They’re engaging and animated and delightful - and still focused on removing behaviours, without questioning the reason behind those behaviours.

To this day, I still find shops in general, and supermarkets especially incredibly stressful! It’s really bright, and noisy, and everything is chaotic, and there’s a thousand conversations happening at once, and there’s noises from people walking and trolleys and all sorts of things. But, now I know why I find that so stressful, I have solutions to it. I can put in headphones, and blast myself with music instead. I can remove myself from the situation, rather than simply suffering through it. I know I find certain things stressful, but rather than simply gritting my teeth and working through it, rather than just acing normal, I have other solutions for it.

I find a similar thing with conversations. Eye contact, whilst no where near as stressful as it once was, is still very tiring for me. So instead I study the other person’s face, I look between their eyes, I analyse their movements. I have an interest in people, in understanding them. I adore hearing about people’s lives, their internal thoughts. I’m still not the best at it, but I like listening to them, like hearing about them, like coaxing more out of them. But being trained to look people in the eyes didn’t help at all with that. What helped with that was learning techniques to avoid what was stressful about it. What helped was learning about why people are the way they are, what makes them tick, what those unspoken rules are.

Sorry for the long post, the tl;dr of it is that I think that treatments for a child that focus on fixing behaviours over understanding why they occur, and instead trying to provide solutions to remove the problem just cause more harm than good. It’s like trying to teach someone to walk on a broken leg, instead of fixing the break.

#pira rambles #god I haven't used that tag in a long ass time lmao #anyway these are just my personal thoughts #I have too many thoughts and they all come far too often #This was prompted by research into what ABA actually does #on a related note I wish that articles on it would be less emotive #it's such blatent attempts at manipulation and it's frustrating #just present the fucking evidence on both sides and let people draw their own conclusions #like obviously that's not their intent but #fucking christ #makes researching things a damn ball ache

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hypocritic-trash-baby · 3 months

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If somehow you haven’t seen by now, while the Super Bowl is being aired, Israel is striking Rafah.

The people of Palestine had been told to go there, they were promised it was safe.

And while this is happening, even though earlier several tags on Palestine were trending, only one or two are now.

I haven’t written any posts personally on Palestine myself. I didn’t feel I had anything to add here aside from reblogging and boosting whatever I can but please. We can’t forget Palestine or its people especially now.

This has gone on too long and gone much much too far MANY times and now is when we need to push harder.

Many of the heads of Western countries are either beating around the bush and wasting time, or outright denying the things the Palestinian people don’t have the privilege to ignore. They don’t have the choice to look away from their pain, or the pain of friends, family, neighbors, their country. And even through all of this they’re still trying their damn hardest just to live. And we all need to listen.

So now, especially if you live in a western country like I do, now we step it up a notch. Now is the time if you haven’t already to read up on Palestinian history. Listen to what the people of Palestine are saying. Hold firm on the boycott like never before. Any and every way you can donate, do it. eSIMs, aid, anything that will reach. Save as much evidence as you can. Videos, articles. Don’t let Zionists pretend all of this never happened.

Even if you think there’s nothing you can do, I’m telling you, keep going. Even if you feel you can only give a little, if we all give a little together it becomes much more.

Hit imperialism where it hurts. In the wallet. Follow the BDS instructions, find protests in your area if you can, boost as much information about Palestine as you can find, call your reps, and do not lose hope. The people of Palestine are not dead. They are holding on even through all this and we all owe it to them to do the same.

A Free Palestine will happen in our lifetimes. But it will be hard fought. So go out there and fight hard! The governments can’t hide from their own people forever. The companies can’t bleed cash forever. The people will win. So push until we do. Do not look away. Free Palestine

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cinnabeat · 6 months

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ironically despite saying i could never eat a tuna sandwich again bc of how often i would eat it a few semesters back ive been eating tuna sandwhiches all semester but just the convenience store kind and if you make me eat a tuna subway id be obligated to kill you

#convenience store tuna sandwich: 👍#subway tuna sandwich: 🤢🤢🤢🤢#which is funny bc my subway order has more Stuff other than tuna on it obvs which would theoretically make me more incluned to eat it #but no its quite the opposite actually #im convinced its the bread #michi tag #i sometimes get quesadillas too and i wouldve gotten that today except my knee hurts and i dont wanna carry all that shit and the food court #is so god damn far and theres so many fucking stairs between the art buildings and there #so convenience store tuna it is

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arolesbianism · 8 months

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Also let it be known I have made several rainworld ocs already and have like 3 full campaigns in my head for them mapped out in my head

#rat rambles #rain posting #idk if this is an insterest that's gonna stick that hard but Ill give it a tag just in case #anyways so far I have 4 main slugcat guys and an iterator #the iterator is gaze from the stars and shes a god damn mess lol #shes a very old iterator having been among the first made #hense her having a very unfortunate location #shes located on the side of a giant mountain with a giant lake at it's base which she uses as her primary water source #this is mostly a problem because she was built back when the ancients were still figuring out how to account for the warming effect #iterators bring to their enviorments and very quickly the entire mountain she was built on became a wet muddy mess #they initially managed to add on extra support and more large ass machines to keep the rains relatively away from the already wet mountains #but after the ancients died out many of those structures slowly began to decay and break down #leading to the very slow but steady downfall of her structure #this leads to each of the three campaigns having vastly different enviorments as the mountains top begin to deteriorate more and more #but yeah star herself is. again a mess.#mostly because she had grown to truly love her city and it's people incredibly dearly #even though its population quickly grew too large for her to truly befriend all of them god damn did she try #but as her people got more and more tired of waiting for the answer she began to gain a small speck of hope that maybe they would give up #she never admitted it but she had grown more and more scared of being left alone #but then her worst fear came to life and she quickly fell apart #her local iterator group watched her quickly change from bubbly to unstable to cold and distant #the youngest of the group who looked up to her greatly tried to cheer her up by diving deeper and deeper into their own research #which ended up leaving start feeling more isolated and bitter ultimately causing her to completely cut off her communications #this of course didnt help with the loneliness though so she decided to do a silly and try to make her own purposed organisms #she initially had the idea when a slugcat brough their sick and dying younger sibling to her and she was like. tee hee.#basically she tried to make slugcats more like the ancients and it. didnt rly work but she tried to be happy abt it #her slugcats have a wide range of modifications depending on status and generally live in colonies in her city #colonies exist throughout the mountains though with different karma gates being guarded by high ranking slugs #not violently just to make sure star knows whos coming through #well. I say all of this but this set up is only the case for one of the campaigns

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ars-matron · 1 year

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I really need to talk for a minute about this new mobile update and how much I as a legally blind person hate whatever the hell is going on with the photos and how it's making this app nearly impossible for me to use

I'm not sure the same thing is happening on the desktop version but for those who may not know in the app whenever you tap on a photo it used to just pop up and you could double tap to enlarge it and zoom in and scroll around and all was great.

A double tap now likes the photo and it must be pinched and pulled to zoom in and out. A mild annoyance, and nothing compared to the rest of the update. If you scroll up, which I do frequently when trying to navigate an enlarged photo, it will send you to ANOTHER photo based on the tags of the post.

That's right, a completely different photo!!! A feature no one asked for and no one wants!! This isn't facebook, or instagram, and maybe tiktok but I never had that so this is a guess. When I click on the photo I only want to see that photo (or in the case of multiple photos in a post I want to be able to easily scroll side to side for those). I do not want to be taken to another post!!! Also if you scroll too far to the left you are then sent to the profile of the person who reblogged the post. I do not know why. Who wants this feature? Is it a feature at all?

As someone who only taps on a photo because I cannot see it and I need to enlarge it, this is beyond a simple annoyance. I cannot navigate the photo like I need, there's a hair trigger on whether it sends you to a new post completely or if you are sent to the profile of the reblogger. Neither, again, are things I want. this leaves me having to back track a lot, re-zoom the photo as it reverts back to normal, and hope dearly that this time I can just read the damned text before it freaks out again.

I haven't seen anyone else talk about this outside of the tags, but really this is making the app unusable for me, and I'm sure for many others.

@staff I know you guys haven't cared about your disabled community much in the past (other photo updates that stopped allowing me to zoom into gifs is proof of that) but please don't make this app unusable for me. I would rather not have to leave.

#staff #tumblr update #tumblr #thanks tungle #I really hate it #please put it back #it's worse even that instagram or facebook because at least I can stop those from moving on and well #I feel like I singed up for that sort of thing with them

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neverendingford · 10 months

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#sexcapades #tag talk #ugh gender. I'm slowly narrowing in on it like a target that I have to fire far too many range-finding shots on #unfortunately I'm missing so many shots. each one gives me more information on the heading but it's still annoying work.#I like occasional she/her as a reminder that I'm not cis but I am absolutely not your fucking princess.#I say that because I literally woke up to a text that said “hope you slept well princess” which like. eyeachgh.#I hate good morning texts and I have just discovered I hate being called princess #gender goal is “girl who nobody even notices is a girl because she's one of the boys”#the one who everyone goes “but not you. you're like.. a guy”#ugh. I really do vibe with the “secret third gender” vibe. I made that joke forever ago about my gender being whatever those yaoi boys have #and I stand by it. neither a man nor woman but a secret third thing (he/they anime uke)#anyway. thank you dude last night for the science but I do not think I will be pursuing my studies with you any further.#I've never felt the need to change my pronouns because like. I'm a dude. I like she/her sometimes because it validates my gnc vibes #but like. fashionably she/her but functionally he/they. Idkkkkk I hate gender is annoying #being viewed as 100% woman feels definitely worse than being viewed as 100% man though. that's for damn sure.#gender is “guy who has a suspiciously large chest and narrow waist”#I got questions about spelling my name Robin not Robyn cause apparently Robin is typically the male spelling. and like. that feels right.#skirts feel weird. I'll die before I wear a dress. gender is “teenage girl who will punch you if you can her girly”#thanks for calling me she/her like I asked but unfortunately you have now misgendered me.#plus I don't think I'm kinky enough for him. at least not in the “punish the bad girl” way. which like. there's a gendered dynamic there.#idk. sex and gender are wild and results are still being determined #I envy people who know what they want when they're younger. not all of us are fortunate enough to have that 🙄

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sttoru · 9 months

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dad toji x reader grocery shopping with baby megumi

ෆ tags. dad!toji x female reader. fluff. you’re gumi’s mother.

“look at your mama, kid.” toji grins as he lazily pushes your shopping cart forwards. you were walking a few steps ahead to grab some necessities, leaving the father-son duo behind, “she’s so damn beautiful, ain’t she?”

megumi was seated in the baby-seat, babbling and cooing just by hearing the familiar word ‘mama’ spill from toji’s lips. the simple mention of you gets your little son feeling all giddy on the inside, even if his limited vocabulary doesn’t allow him to fully grasp what his dad was saying.

at one point, you seem to have wandered a bit too far ahead. toji and megumi were three aisles behind you, which you didn’t even notice because you were too busy going through your grocery list.

“oh, no, what’re we gonna do?” toji playfully puts on a worried expression as he pokes his son’s chubby cheek, “we lost mama.” and as if on cue, megumi’s smile turns upside down. he couldn’t understand what his father was saying, though seeing that (fake) worried expression on his parent’s face was enough to make him burst out crying.

“hey, hey,” toji immediately tries to calm megumi down by ruffling his hair gently, “i was just jokin’, but eh— guess you don’t even know what that means, do ya?”

you immediately rush back to see what occured once you heard the familiar cries of your child and see your husband trying to soothe megumi. toji was now holding onto the baby, one hand on the back of megumi’s tiny head while the other was slowly patting his lower back in a soothing manner.

“what happened, love?” you ask worriedly as you walk over to the two. megumi seemed to have calmed down in his father’s embrace after a few moments. in fact, your son had completely forgotten his sadness the second you were visible to him again.

toji shrugs and scratches his cheek, “i was just jokin’ with the kiddo, but i guess he doesn’t like his daddy’s humor.”

you sigh and hold yourself back from giving toji an earful in the midst of the store once you realised what probably happened.

if the man’s not teasing you, he’s teasing his child. you don’t know how many times you’ve scolded your husband for making megumi cry on accident due to his jokes. it’s quite literally impossible to get him to understand that megumi is too young to pick up on social cues. it’s either that or toji simply acts like he doesn’t understand.

it was most likely the latter since you know that toji always loves getting reactions out of the people he teases;

“toji—” “yeah, yeah, i know. i won’t do it again, babe.”

oh, he most definitely will.

#ෆ : parenting 101.#jjk x reader #toji x reader #jjk x you #jjk fluff #jujutsu kaisen #toji fushiguro x reader #toji fluff #if anybody wants i can make like a series called parenting 101 ft. toji fushiguro #and its just a collection of drabbles like these

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thebibliosphere · 1 year

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I know I posted about Goncharov and Defunctland last night, but that was an earnest desire to see this trend examined under a microscope because it’s fascinating to see it escape containment.

However, while I know most folks are just having a bit of fun with it, the number of people complaining that others are “ruining” the joke by tagging it for unreality is too damn high.

I’ve answered far too many asks in private in the last 24 hours from folks with psychosis begging me to tell them if Goncharov is real or not because they trust me, someone they don’t know beyond my medical advocacy posts, not to lie to them.

So in case you need this: No, Goncharov is not real. It’s Tumblr having a bit of fun with a made up gangster story premise from the 1970s. Most of the gifsets you are seeing are from The Godfather and some other 70s and early 80s films. The musical scores are being composed by some very talented people here on Tumblr, as is most of the art and quotes.

I’m sorry if people are telling you it is real and are refusing to reassure you when you admit it’s causing you distress. Some people are just taking things too far for the bit and aren’t acting with kindness. I hope they will reconsider.

If you were unaware that the Goncharov is causing some people some considerable distress, that’s okay. Tumblr is huge and you can’t be expected to know everything, but please do tag all your posts and reblogs with unreality to assure people that it’s part of the site-wide joke.

If you’re one of the people complaining that tagging it with unreality “ruins” the joke, please reconsider and examine why your enjoyment of people’s distress is necessary to your enjoyment of an otherwise fun and crowd sourced bit that many people are having fun with without being cruel.

Anyway, go have fun you creative little gremlins. Just do it with more kindness.

#Goncharov

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khruschevshoe · 11 days

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You know, it's rather interesting to me that Taylor Swift's parasocial relationship with her fans is honestly more akin to a YouTuber than a writer's. When I scroll through her tag on tumblr/Twitter, it's far more regarding the connection to her personal life/relationship developments than the actual metaphors/fictional story she might be telling. Everything comes back to how her songs reflect back on her relationships with Joe/Matty/Travis/Jake/insert ex-boyfriend here. And what fascinates me about it is that even though she complains about it, she leans into that very perception because it strengthens the parasocial bond.

The marketing for TTPD so clearly being about Joe Alwyn and the songs to Matty Healy. The marketing/video for Red TV so CLEARLY being about Jake Gyllenhaal, with so many of the new lines in All Too Well specifically being digs at him (I'll get older but your lovers stay my age, casting an actor that looks like him for the video, specific lines in I Bet You Think About Me). The fact that songs like Getaway Car and Bejeweled and Gorgeous and London Boy and Lavender Haze being picked apart at time of release and long after for signs of relationships crumbling. The way she uses surprise songs in relation to her relationship development with Joe/Matty/Travis. The damn TTPD "stages of grief" playlists where she deliberately undid/changed the meanings of old songs just to keep her audience speculating on her love life.

It's not sexist to point out that her wielding her love life is a marketing tool and that the strongest connection to her audience isn't the strength of her writing/the composition of her music- it's her deliberate crafting of a connection between her music and her personal life, leaving the audience invested in her music as an extension of Taylor the Person/Girlfriend rather than Taylor the Artist.

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screampied · 4 months

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23 MISSED CALLS.

☆ summary. you had always nagged to your boyfriend satoru to answer his damn phone. it’d always go straight to voicemail—you told him in your own words, ‘toru, what if something ever happened to you?’ but this time, it was far too late.

wc. 1.7k

tags. gn!reader, angst, nickname(s) 'baby, angel.'

an. idk how to write angst much but i was sad so came up w this. merry christmas :)

“hey heyy, it’s satoru. uh, you’ve reached the—eheh what does that lady say again…? you’ve reached the voicemail box of.. gojo satoru. leave a message after the beep, beeeeep. heh, bye.”

such a dork.

you lost count of how many times you listened to that automatic message over and over again. the playful cheekiness in his voice, you could just see his smile. the dumb dimples that poke out against both of his cheeks whenever he grinned.

a cute dork. your dork.

besides that though, it’s been at least twenty three times of you ringing him, but to no avail. each time it went straight to voicemail—sucking your teeth in confusion, you started pacing around your bedroom. it was christmas morning, and gojo promised he’d be here before you wake up.

he couldn’t be…

no, he’s gojo satoru. he always wins, right?

right..?

the more you waited, the more impatient you became. the room grew colder and colder, despite the heat being turned on. you sat on gojo’s side of the bed, inhaling his scent, as if he was here right now.

he’d always fill up the room with his loud cologne scents—you’re always telling him how it’s too strong and he always kisses your cheek, muttering, “eh really? i don’t smell it that much, baby..”

the scent was always sweet, a mixture of cinnamon and multiple other spices—you glanced at the roségold alarm clock that rested against your nightstand, the time reading six thirty am.

he still wasn’t here.

it was hard to not overthink, think the worst, gojo was always so good at calming your nerves. you’d be one to constantly overthink. his trick to stop that was to simply hold you in his arms, stroke your hair and tell you in a soft cheery voice, “hey angel, everything’s gonna be okay. i’m okay, we’re okay.”

but again, he still wasn’t here.

gojo mentioned to you before he left last night around midnight he had to ‘take care of something’ — his code word of he’s about to go into battle or fight, but he didn’t want you to worry about him.

that’s the very last thing he wanted. and if anything, he always assured you he’d be okay. even if he was beaten to a pulp by his enemies, he’d always return back home to you with that stupid lovable grin on his face.

so what made christmas day any different?

you swallowed the thick, nonexistent lump in your throat, trying to snap out of your deep melancholy thoughts. dragging your feet,

you rubbed your eyes from the sun just barely shinning through the curtains scattered throughout the house.

with a soft sigh, you made your way towards the christmas tree — the pretty lengthy tree the both of you decorated together last minute, a tiny smile went on your face at remembering how gojo kept accidentally breaking all of the ornaments, so he had to constantly keep buying new ones.

lights, glimmery multicolored lights, a plethora of ornaments and a pretty sheeny star sits at the very top. you sat on your knees, before glancing down at the various presents — one caught your eye, it was a tiny box. a velvet heart shaped box, and gojo told you it was the biggest surprise yet.

you paused, glancing down at your phone that was about it to die soon, wondering why gojo still hasn’t returned any of your calls.

he’s been gone for hours, and the knot in your stomach continued to tighten—it felt like something inside of you was squeezing, tugging you from the inside.

was this what a gut feeling feels like? something was telling you, screaming at you that something wasn’t right.

with shaky hands, you went to his contact for what seems like the millionth time, staring at the image that was his picture, him and you.

the both of you were being goofy, it was a old polaroid picture a few years ago of the both of you during your birthday.

he spoiled you so much that day, but as always he never forgot to repeat how much he loved you.

the phone rang three times and your mind pretty much knew mentally he wasn’t gonna answer, it was a bit foolish for you to continuously keep trying. but something in you told yourself, it’s satoru. he’s gonna answer. anything to reassure yourself, this happens a lot — gojo’s the type of person who always has his phone on silent, or he says he’ll call you back but ends up forgetting.

after a few rings, the same automatic voicemail plays, and just hearing his voice again, no matter how many times — it never fails to make your heart swoon.

you intake a sharp breath, closing your eyes before bringing the warm phone up to your ear, pressing it against your cheek before speaking in a voice.

a voice you hardly recognized, “…toru?” and you were on the brink of tears, it was easy to hear and you tried not to let your emotions get the best of you but at this point..

was it really worth holding on to?

fifteen long seconds passed and you forgot the phone was still in your hand.

you sniffled, gathering yourself briefly before continuing in a soft drowsy voice, “h-hey, um. i don’t mean to blow your phone up but, you aren’t responding and i’m getting kind of scared. are you okay?”

you pause again, feeling the sting of tears nearly escape through your eyelids before you squeeze your eyes shut, lightly squeezing your left thigh to prevent any more emotions from revealing themselves.

“i um, just wanna say i love you, and i hope you’re okay. i didn’t wanna open my gifts until you got here but you’re taking forever..”

and you manage to crack a tiny smile that purses against your lips—yet after a while, it fades and your heart feels like it’s just walking on egg shells. “but anyway, yeah. i love you satoru, text or call me back so i know you’re alright, please? and just get home safe okay? bye.”

you hung up the phone and a single tear ran down your cheek.

so much time had passed, and he still wasn’t here. it was nearly seven in the morning now, and your dumb curiosity got the best of you—you wondered what gojo’s big surprise gift was.

he wanted you to wait to see your reaction, but you were just so curious, so enthused.

you started to peel the pretty striped velvet wrapping paper off, one at a time, it was neatly wrapped with a perfect red and blank bow tied on the top.

once you opened it, it had a tiny black box, and your eyebrows raised, a note sticking out the side. grabbing it, you revealed it and it read in neat handwriting:

“hi baby!! merry merry christmas, i’m kinda tearing up while writing this, and i know i know you probably just wanna see the gift but first read this ‘kay? just wanna say i love love you so much, and i’m so glad we’ve been together for almost four years now. you mean everything to me, you’re so sweet and kind, always there whenever i need to talk my feelings out, or even if i just need to lay on you and fall asleep. but anywho, you know who loves you? this guy! hopefully i made you smile as you read this, im probably not at home yet but ill be back soon. don’t worry your pretty little head, alright? i love you baby, merry christmas from your honored one, xoxo.”

tears were in your eyes—and it was like you could hear him, he was right, you did manage to smile. sniffling, you placed the note aside before opening the small black box.

once you pulled the top back, your eyes widened, seeing a small coruscating ring. your heart sang, blinking twice to make sure your eyes weren’t playing tricks on you.

gojo was planning to propose..?

the ring was so pretty.

various scattered crushed up like pearls around the top, and once the tears started, they kept streaming down your face. you quickly pulled it out, sliding it on your ring finger and it was a perfect fit — in a frail sob, you mumble, “y-yes, i’ll marry you satoru.”

yet — that’s when you wake up, finally snapping back to reality. confused with tears still streaming down your face, burning.

“satoru?”

no answer.

you get up from the bed, your eyes widen before you look at your right hand — and the engagement ring was still there. a sigh of relief exits your mouth, and that’s when you make your way towards the kitchen.

nothing to worry about, maybe you just fell asleep while opening the gift. yeah, that had to be it.

although, the atmosphere of your house felt different. taking a quick glance in the living room, the christmas tree wasn’t there anymore, it wasn’t snowing, and it was almost as if you lived by yourself.

“satoru?” you called out again, before pulling out your phone — scrolling towards your messages and your heart suddenly sank. the last message you sent him was two years ago, a subtle ‘satoru, it’s christmas and you’re still not here? are you okay?’

christmas…?

you pulled a tab down on your phone — and the date read march 17th. approximately two years later from when you last sent that message, and you were so confused.

but the further you scrolled down, you saw messages from others, sending you their regards and condolences for your loss….loss?

the recent message was from geto — and your last reply was, ‘thank you, i’m doing okay. i just still can’t believe he’s gone.”

. . .

you felt sick — tear after tear racing down both sides of your face before coming to the sudden unfathomable realization.

gojo never came back home for one reason and one reason only. he died a painful death those long two years ago, even though he swore he’d come back to you on christmas.

perhaps everything was all a lie.

sometimes people don’t win all the time, not even the honored one, the love of your life, gojo satoru.

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