I've got mad Imposter Syndrome and Bad Omens is not helping.

cw: self-harm, eyestrain, blood

but you'll never be one of us

Getting an adulthood diagnosis for something that's been present since early childhood is sooooo fucking 👁️👁️ there's catharsis sure yeah but the struggle comes from trying to forgive your child self for failures you weren't really having.

Anyway shout out to my autoimmune girlies. Who else got shamed for early childhood cavities and expensive adolescent surgeries only to find out as an adult you are full of mouth-ruining antibodies lol. Girlies who else is unpacking their "chronic illness bad teeth = shameful moral failing" buuuullshit? Anyway I'm still trying to save $16,000 to fix fucked teeth I thought I brought on myself, but only discovered in 2023 were due to medical study candidate levels of sjogrens antibodies and severely medically mismanaged sle 🤪

I’ve been basking in the post-watch glow of the conclusion of this season, and the delight I have for the sheer quality of its construction. There’s a lot of things bouncing around in my head: Lestat and how much I love him and all of his toxic, petulant nonsense. The tragedy of Claudia flipped on its head as they’ve granted her the ability to fight back, and try to take what is hers. Armand and the weight of the knowledge of his motivations in the novels. Our Boy Malloy who is scared but beautifully, brashly defiant, and seems to have decided that if he’s going to be swallowed up by this shit, he sure as hell is lighting a fire in the belly of this beast (I have so much admiration for Eric’s Daniel, he’s absolutely killing it). 

Amongst all the other thoughts I have about family, race, relationships, love (so many thoughts about love in all of its myriad forms), there’s a paragraph or two clinging to the back of my throat about Jacob Anderson’s arresting portrayal of Louis - and not just the beauty that he obviously brings to the character, but the disconcerting darkness that clings to the edges of his take on this role.

And yes, we can talk about darkness in the form of vampirism, but I’m talking about the humanity that still stalks around like a creature caged behind his eyes. If you, like me, have been hungrily drinking down anything you can find tangentially related to these actors, you would have come across Jacob’s interviews, social media accounts and other forms of commentary surrounding Louis. His Instagram bio is cheekily adorned with the words ‘PhD in sadboi’, and I believe it. 

Louis is Depressed with a capital D and in the eternity that he sits at the altar of that church, Lestat’s fangs in his neck and then later, his own mouth filling up with blood, I think he hopes (prays, perhaps, haha), that this offer of acceptance will cure him of the melancholy that dogs his soul. 

He’s wrong of course. Much like most of us who wander the numbing, grey plains of chronic depression, seeking something to shock us back into seeing colour again, the next big event, outing, adventure, romance. It’s not just Lestat either, through his ineptitude of managing something as complexly human as mental illness that exacerbates Louis’ most dark and troubled thoughts (though he certainly plays a big hand in it), but everything - all of the minute details, all of the huge incidents - accumulating, amalgamating into the monstrous profile of a man teetering constantly on the edge of the void, having listened to its call for so long that he can hear the music in its cry.

It is the pressure of being the eldest, the caregiver, the provider, the manager, where your parents have either abandoned or failed you. It is the sorrow of your own mother’s rejection of the person you are. It is the frustration of seeing your sibling deteriorate and not knowing how to save them, even though you love them painfully. It is the despair of your one remaining tie to your family finally severed, the threads slipping through your fingers even though you meant well and you will regret every second you spent uttering words you cannot take back. It is the heart crushing sickness of realising that your partner, who you have chosen for life, is not the salvation you had been promised, is not enough to understand, or alleviate the suffocating sadness that consumes you, even though he loves you wholly, fiercely and without judgement. It is the primal and visceral fear of failing your child. Of being unworthy of either happiness or love, because you know you have failed. And of experiencing that failure first hand as you step from one phase of your life into another and being drowned in the disappointment of finding that it does not get better, and you lack the skill to do well at neither of the things you claim to be.

And so you self-destruct. You impose conditions on your being. You punish yourself for the things you hate about your own reflection, blindly carrying out commands like a doll on a string. Louis is not only defeated by Lestat’s persistence, he has already defeated himself long before this toxic relationship could drain away what remained of his will to survive. By the time he finds himself on that park bench in Jackson Square contemplating the end of his existence, even the pain is gone. He is just a husk, holding only in his hands, his lingering obligation to Claudia, but unable to make one last move into annihilation out of guilt.

Jacob Anderson is not just an incredible actor, he really understands what it means to be a survivor of the darkness, and he does it all with such tender fragility, such painstaking nuance that I cannot help but love and appreciate him for what he has brought to the character. Yes, I know we’re all flipping our shit (no one as much as I) because Sam Reid really did just sit down in the middle of a summoning circle and allow Lestat to possess his mind, but I really want to just say how grateful I am that such a masterful demonstration of character portrayal from Jacob was given to us, in a campy, wonderful show about insane vampires in love, of all the places in the world.

Sam realizes he's only in heaven bcz his son is god and has imposter syndrome about it like did I deserve it? did I earn it? was I a good enough person?

I finally read the instructor's feedback on my midterm essay and she said it was better than some published essays of the same type that she'd read, and it gave her a better appreciation of the source material—a poem she'd read many times, written by someone she personally knows! I'm happy stimming in a Starbucks right now

Y'all, I slapped together that essay over a couple days and submitted it late because I was working on it right up to the deadline. I thought it was going to get a "B" at best! Nope... 100%. Fuck!

I'm not trying to go on here and be braggy I'm just. Kind of in shock. Shit. Imposter Syndrome Real. Oh my god. Why am I serially failing English classes instead of pursuing writing as a career? What am I doing with my life??

Had a moment where I thought “But what if I get in trouble?” when I was gonna “sample” a piece of candy and now I’m convinced I don’t have ASPD at all because of that thought lol

I did it anyways but hesitated only because it would’ve been embarrassing if the staff/another customer caught me stealing a piece and berated me in front of anyone. Luckily that didn’t happen but it’s created a massive (and probably ridiculous) cloud of doubt over the legitimacy of my disorder.

Fearing/avoiding getting in trouble is not remorse and absolutely occurs in pwASPD. We tend to think a *lot* about convenience and how "worth it" certain actions are because consequences are annoying. Definitely don't doubt your disorder just bc you wanted to protect life's convenience bc the way you described this was definitely aspd culture.

Anyone else ever feel like you’re faking because of how many alters are in your system??? Blue and I feel like that a lot and then we look at each other and go:

“We’ve literally had full blown conversations with these people. We literally cannot control them.”

But like… we’re nearly 400 alters (that we’re aware of). We feel really… unnaturally big. Anyone else feel this way?? Because we know they’re all real and not imaginary. But like… it’s still weird. Y’know??

-🩶👻

imposter syndrome is so weird when you’ve been raised in a household of arrogant assholes.

like i can do anything and someone would be lucky for me to work for them

but also

i suck and don’t matter to anyone

For Ei, how does it feel to see Inazuma now compared to back then?

She regards the Inazuma of today with a myriad of different emotions that culminate into bittersweetness. But all in all, it gives her a renewed sense of purpose and conviction to ensure Inazuma continues to not only be safe but also to prosper.

As their Archon and Shogun, being able to notice the distinct differences has allowed her to be more confident in them and to listen, to trust in their ability to grow/contribute to the era of peace. In turn, this has also allowed her to be able to better understand what it is that they truly need and offer resources/improvements that would help them achieve so. As Ei, it's complicated. Being the only individual alive and carrying the weight of her sister's death, alongside the death of many of her treasured friends, with no one but Miko and the dwindling youkai/spirit populace left to know of their existence- it is an isolating experience. Having spent her whole life as her sister's shadow, Ei is very much still learning to step out of her previous role as a shroud of safety (which can be/was suffocating) and into one as providing shade to the weary. She was so preoccupied with preserving Inazuma in a state of everlasting safety that she did not recognise how suffocating it had become not only for her nation but for herself as well. She did not think of the future for she was consumed with the notion of having to protect/preserve. That is why I have always thought that her arc is a study on grief and how it can present itself, how it can affect others but similarly how it can also be navigated. Now that she has taken on an active role in co-ruling Inazuma, Ei also has to contend with the challenge of stepping out of Makoto's shadow for good and processing her loss. There are very few times in which she can fully experience something pleasant without knowing at the back of her mind that her twin sister is not there with her to experience it or see it too. She can witness the changes Inazuma will undergo/has undergone but Makoto cannot. She is still here while Makoto is not. You never really stop missing someone you've lost, though it does get easier to cope with: the same goes for Ei too. And that's why it will always be bittersweet.

@tiredstudents

Lulu has got a lot of trauma from how her mother treated her. Literally never loved her in the first place and all Lulu wants is to be loved. So she tries to excel in everything she does.

She has a high case of imposter syndrome, thinking everyone'll figure she's a fraud and cheated her way to where she is. She's had it for a while, and she deals with it on the daily, thinking she's nothing but a failure because she was never able to get her mother to actually love her.

So she tries her hardest and if she fails, she freaks out and cries because she feels like a complete and utter useless failure.

had an absolutely horrible idea about an AU where Shadow has all the memories of things just like in the original SA2 story and shit but people for some reason treat his memories weirdly, and he's just like... yknow, upset that people are downplaying his life and shit, until one day Eggman finds him and is like "PLEASE DON'T ATTACK ME I was just curious about all the stuff you've described because I had no files about it so I went back to the ARK to try to find whatever notes may be left behind aaaaand- well. Apparently.... Those things you've said? Like the memories you have???? Yeah uhhhh..." And he ends up telling Shadow that none of those memories were real, like basically none of what he "remembered" had ever actually happened, and those memories were all ALSO manufactured at some point when Project Shadow was being "shut down" (at some point in time Maria ended up unfortunately passing away from an illness she caught and it basically made the whole Project worthless), and Gerald had decided in a last ditch effort to guard the project from GUN to give Shadow these false memories just in case they DO wake him up to try to use him, as the would spark a reaction that would hopefully cause him to go against them.

His entire existence prior had never even properly happened, there was no being put into a 50 year sleep, he was ALWAYS asleep and just given false memories to sway him in one direction. GUN had to try to alter those existing fake memories so that he WOULDN'T immediately fight them. People played tug of war with his mind to get him to do what they wanted, there was never any real Maria in his life, she'd died before he could've ever actually met her. He's literally just a shut down project with no proper leftover purpose, but he couldn't be destroyed because it was literally impossible back then TO destroy him. He only still exists because Gerald never lived long enough to discover a way to properly decommission him. His whole existence is nothingness and he has to live on with the thought that he can't even fucking trust his own memories because none of them until after he was awoken were ever real. Just manufactured. He doesn't even know what Gerald ever truly thought of him, no one knows really. Everything he knew was a goddamn lie from the start and all he has now is himself, and what he'd built of himself since his arc.

Would fester in these thoughts and lose himself to the ideas of being unable to trust himself, or would he take the rage he feels from learning this and use that to forge his own path that is truly only his?

genuinely how does someone succeed in college when you’re so terrified of being incorrect or looking stupid that you can’t even say anything to begin with???? i was trying to go into this year brave and everything but i’ve already been laughed at multiple times by a class full of people older and scarier than me and i already feel like i’m being judged and underestimated for so many reasons that i don’t want to give anyone another reason to look at me that way. but it’s gotten to the point (in the less than one week that classes have been in session; maybe it’s always been at the point) where i’m failing to submit assignments because i know that my teacher is going to see it and think i’m stupid, and never listen to me again, and i’m going to lose all the credibility that i’m trying so desperately to hold onto. and i know from a logical standpoint that it’s the teacher’s job to meet people where they’re at and lift them up from there, but honestly is that much even true anymore?? isn’t college about figuring out who has what it takes and who is going to get left behind???? why did i enroll in fucking honors classes of course i can’t do this???? i’m really not feeling well and i stayed in tonight and missed dinner and i miss home and i miss being able to talk to my friends and not be actively ruining my future. i feel like i’m always good until i’m not, and i don’t realize i need help until i’m too far in and by the time i get it, i won’t need it anymore but i’ll have ruined everything back when things were worse. i’m isolating from my roommate (who hates me because he thinks i hate him) and losing every friend i’ve started to make at the same time as i’m losing all the real friendships that i already have. and my roommate is across the room right now as i’m quietly fucking crying. and i want to go home and i want to be safe. and why is everything so unfamiliar and simple and wretchedly complicated.

My fiancée dislocating her joints: hehehe, look at this! Is this normal?

Me: PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME!

I'M GONNA DIE I'M PARTICIPATING IN ART FIGHT AND I GOT A REVENGE AND I FEEL LIKE I DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE MY CHARACTERS DRAWN AND I FEEL ANXIOUS AND I FEEL LIKE IM NOT REAL

HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP AND ENJOY IT I CAN'T STOP FEELING GUILTY BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THESE THINGS AND I HAVE IMPOSTER SYNDROME RN AND I HAVE BEEN FEELING BAD AND UNABLE TO BE HAPPY FOR SOME DAYS IDK IF ITS HORMONES BUT I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING

T H I S W A S S U P P O S E D T O E N D D I F F E R E N T L Y

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