#cornerstore blues
Note
hellooo! i was just binge reading all your works and immediately followed, and saw that you were taking requests soo i wanted to request a lil something!
it’s a percy x f!reader where they stay up late to wait for christmas together! scenario could preferably be on top of their apartment rooftop or smth, but i wouldn’t mind any other choices you’d like! thank youuu, once again i love your workkkk <3
𐑺 ˖ ࣪ ࿐ྂ MEET ME AT THE ROOFTOP | percy jackson x gn!reader
[wc: 924] thank u anon for ur kind words, ur the sweetest!!
you had a couple ideas of where you'd be on christmas eve. tucked under the covers of the bed you and percy were sharing while you were over for the holidays, wrapping up last-minute presents, staying up late due to the surge of adrenaline, maybe?
you were pretty wrong about all of those.
"'just hope this year isn't as hectic as last," percy's voice cuts through your thoughts as he tosses rocks off the rooftop of the apartment complex, trying to hit a nearby tree.
you nod absently, hands fiddling with the red and green macaroni necklace that estelle had thrust into your hands the moment you stepped foot into the jackson household. the frigid wind bites at your skin, but you don't complain. percy, however, smushes your face into his shoulder, covering the remaining exposed part of your cheek with his hand.
as you nuzzle further into his warmth, percy glances at the blue, glowing watch that he'd picked up from a cornerstore years ago. it was old and looked like it had been through a war, but it still worked. "only three more minutes," he murmurs, holding up his wrist so you could see the neon blue numbers reading '11:57'. against the blackness of the night, the color was almost garish, but it was softened by the warm glow of christmas lights that adorned percy's neighborhood.
you smile, your lips dry and cracked from the cold. percy had brought you up here solely to be the first to give you your gift on christmas day. he and estelle had a running competition, and he couldn't present it to you in the house without her popping up from seemingly nowhere. the rooftop was the only place of privacy. it was technically cheating, but estelle had won for the past two years and percy was petty. the small gift box next to the boy didn't go unnoticed by you.
"you wanna try?" percy asks, handing you the rock he'd been about to throw. he still hasn't hit his target. you muttered a quiet 'yeah,' took a deep breath, and hurled the rock off the roof.
it hit the tree square on.
percy looked genuinely flabbergasted. mind-boggled, if you will. "you're sick," he says at last. "why would you do this to me?"
"you can defeat the god of war at the age of twelve but you can't hit a tree that's like, thirty feet away?" you retort, breath visible in the frigid air.
"take that back!" percy laughs, his knit beanie tumbling off his head as he tackles you to the rooftop ground, holding your face in his hands.
percy could be intimidating when he wanted to be, but up here, with a smile lighting up his face and his eyes sparkling with mischief, he was anything but.
"i'm gonna make you sorry," he warns.
"sorry for what?" you quip, breathless from the effort of holding him off when he wants to reach you this badly. "that all those years of sword training couldn't build up your muscles enough to hit a tree that close to you?"
he ignored your taunt, his fingers squeezing yours as he ducks down into your space. you laugh, squirming away, pushing your hand (with his still twined into it) against his face.
"you suck at this," you tease. "and you won't win!"
"oh, yeah?" he says, his smile wide and gleaming. two of his teeth are a little sharp at the corners, reminding you of a shark. fitting.
percy's lips part, ready to speak, but just then the alarm on his watch, the old and crusty one that he showed you earlier, went off, the sound piercing through the quiet night air. you glanced at the time.
midnight exactly.
percy releases you, thankfully. your arms were starting to strain. you lied about the muscle thing, he was pretty strong.
"c'mere," he says, picking up the box that he wrapped, the paper crinkling in the spots where his fingers were touching it. you sit next to him, feet dangling off the rooftop. he puts the box in your hands and you eagerly tear off the wrapping paper.
inside was a stunning multi-colored bracelet, with multiple chains and twists and turns that caught the light. you looked up at percy, who was already watching you. "i've been saving up," he says, his eyes downcast. "what do you think?"
you had to take a moment before responding. "i love it perce, really." you slipped the bracelet onto your wrist, admiring the way it glinted in the christmas lights. he even got it in your favorite color. "thank you."
he let out a sigh of relief, pulling up the sleeve of his jacket to reveal a matching bracelet on his own wrist, but in blue. "good," he breathes, a small smile playing at his lips. "'cause if you didn't, then you'd have to see it everytime i held your hand, anyway."
you gape at him, then grin. you like the idea of having a piece of him with you, even when he was away. you reached up to cup his face and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "was this just an excuse for you to buy yourself a cool bracelet?" you tease.
percy shook his head, his smile growing. he leaned in to press a kiss to your temple, then took your hand in his, holding it up to the sky. the christmas lights around you seemed to glow brighter, illuminating the two of you. "one for me, one for you," he says, his voice low and warm.
#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson#percy jackson x you#heroes of olympus#percy jackson x y/n#heroes of olympus x reader#hoo#hoo x reader#pjo x reader#percy jackson and the olympians#pjo#x reader#percy jackson imagine#percy jackson x yn#percy jackson fluff#pjo imagine#riordanverse x reader
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It's ok to hurt me, I'm not worth much (one-shot)
Billy Washington X (Store Clerk Reader)
Warnings after the Break
Full Master list
Billy W. Master list
Banners By: @arcielee
A/N: this is by far the smuttiest thing I've ever written so please don't judge me too harshly 🤣🤣 I was inspired by the video someone posted of Billy whining and I couldn't help myself.🤣
Warnings: depression, self-loathing, oral sex (M receiving)
When you met Billy Washington, he seemed like a moderately happy guy. He must have had a flat nearby because he was in your cornerstore quite often. He would come alone, or sometimes he would be in the company of a pretty woman hands intertwined they seemed like a happy couple.
When he would come to the counter with his items for purchase, he would always have a friendly smile and ask how you have been doing. You loved it when he came into the store. Mostly because you could stare at him when he did. He was handsome. He had a tall, slender figure. A sharp jawline with piercing blue eyes and shaggy hair.
You didn't flirt with him because you were aware he had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who you surmised was one of the luckiest women you had ever met. She was as beautiful as he was. Light features and a soft laugh.
You always looked forward to his visits, though. You paid such close attention that you picked up on subtle changes. It started with the pretty girl. You noticed that for weeks on end, she had not accompanied him. Then, it was his smile. It seemed each time you saw him that beautiful smile of his got smaller and smaller until there was no smile at all. Then the fluffy hair on his head hung down in what looked like oily globs. His previously clean shaven face now littered with patches of mismatched hairs that looked like a young boy trying to grow a beard for the first time.
You couldn't help but wonder, what had happened to this cheeky adorable man?
You were getting ready to close down the shop. It was a Friday night and you planned on going to the pub with a few friends to unwind. You were counting the till when the little bell over the door interrupted your thoughts. You had thought you locked the door.
"I'm sorry were closing up" you said not looking up.
"Possible just to get a quick pack o smokes?"
You lift your head quickly at the recognition of his voice. Although it no longer sounded cheeky instead shakey and unsure you would still recognize it anywhere.
"Oh, sure. Can't deny you now can I?" You joke while grabbing his brand of smokes from behind the counter and placing them in front of you.
He looks an utter mess. Eyes glossy, hair disheveled, clothes unkempt.
He gives you a half smile that doesn't make it to his eyes. You put your hand over the pack and bite your bottom lip.
"I'll give you these.... IF you answer some questions" You feel a small burst of adrenaline you have never been this forward.
He looks at you confused "questions?" He scratches at his temple. You notice his hand is injured and wrapped in gauze.
"Yep. We have a deal?" You pick up the pack and wiggle it back and fourth in front of him.
"Yeah, alright, I'm not too interesting though"
"I'll be the judge of that." You move from behind the counter and flip the open sign to closed and lock the door. You pull down the blinds over the windows and the last one over the door.
"No interruptions." You go back behind the counter and pull out two stools, bringing them to where Billy is standing. He is shifting his weight from foot to foot. Running the flat of his palms down the front of his pants, no doubt, trying to wipe off the sweat that has started to accumulate there.
You move the two stools so they are facing each other.
"Sit" you motion to one of the stools.
He hesitates, looking between you and the stools with confusion.
"You're fidgety, sit"
He lets out a shakey light laugh and sits down on the stool and you sit down on the stool you had set up across from him.
"Ok.... first question" you look into his eyes he looks so nervous. It endearing.
"What happened to the pretty girl that was always in here with you?"
"Becky.... oh yeah that..... didn't work out" he looks down at his feet nervously tapping them together.
You fight the smirk that wants to crawl across your face. "Is that the reason for all of this?" You wave your hands towards him.
"All of what?" He looks at you confused.
"The dirty hair? Unkempt clothes? No longer shaving?"
"W-what? N-no. " he pats down his hair and brushes off his clothes self-consciously. "I've got a lot of different things going on at the moment"
"Explain it to me" you say gently.
He looks away, not wanting to make eye contact. "You don't want to hear any of this." he nervously runs his fingers through his hair.
"But I do" you scoot your stool forward so your knees are near touching as you reach down and squeeze his with your hand. "Tell me"
His eyes go wide as he stares at your hand on his knee and clears his throat. "U-umm... got rejected from the army"
"That's not a big deal loads of people do" you run your hand up his thigh and back down to his knee in a comforting gesture.
He keeps his head down watching your hand "no not my family. Not just once but a lot of times."
"So..... choose a different career path, " you say now using your thumb to rub circles on his knee.
"Can't keep a job." He lets out a huff mixed with a laugh
"Then you haven't found the right one"
He finally lifts his head and looks at you. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because that happy funny man I always loved to see has disappeared. I would like to find him and bring him back. " You get off the stool and stand in front of him.
"Trust me, I'm not worth it," he says, dejected.
"Hey," you put your hands on his cheeks and lift his face to look at you. His blue eyes are so sad that you feel yourself melt a little. You rub your thumbs along his cheekbones. "What has you saying a terrible thing like that?"
He allows you to keep his head in your hands and keeps looking up at you. "They all tell me. They ain't wrong."
You think he looks like a little puppy that needs to be rescued in this moment. "They hurt you, huh?" You continued caressing his cheekbones. He raises his arms as if he is going to rest them on your hips but instead lets them fall back into his lap.
"It's ok to hurt me, I'm not worth much," your heart breaks as he finally looks away from you, putting his hands over yours and lowering them off of his face.
You kneel down in front of him and place your hands on his knees. He looks at you completely confused.
"Umm.... ermmm.... what are you doing?" He runs the palms of his hands against his pants.
"I want to show you that you are important." He stays silent, eyes wide just staring at you.
You run your hands from his knees up his thighs and back down while you both maintain eye contact.
"H-how would you do that?" He gulps loudly.
"I have a few ideas." You scoot in closer, spreading his legs apart, settling yourself in between them.
"What makes you feel good" you say to him in your best sultry voice.
He's just looking at you, jaw slack. After a few minutes, he finally half responds. "Huh?"
"Well, you have been feeling bad. So -" You run both hands from his knees all the way up to his hips, lingering for a moment before running them back down."I would like to know what makes you feel good"
He makes a small whimpering sound as his eyes quickly scan your face. "If you won't tell me, I guess I will just have to figure it out. If what I'm doing makes you feel bad, you just tell me, yeah?"
He barely squeaks out an "Uh hu"
You run your hands up and down his thighs a few more times and click your tongue. "Tsk tsk so tense, Billy."
He makes another small whimpering noise lighting a fire in your belly. You bring your hands back up to his hips and then slide them under his shirt.
He holds his breath but doesn't pull away. Your hands slowly slide out of his shirt and over his waistband and down into his lap.
When your hands brush lightly over his manhood under his joggers, he lets out a slightly louder whine and his hips jolt forward. You start to caress him through his joggers as he is involuntarily bucking his hips lightly.
"So responsive, sweet boy," he whimpers again as you bring your hands back up to his waistband and start to shimmy them down just enough to free his throbbing member.
"Well, that's impressive" you say while looking and his fully erect cock thats already wet with precum.
Billy is breathing heavily but doesn't say anything he stares at your hand as you wrap it around him.
"Oh shit" he says in a whimper as you start moving your hand up and down in precise motions along his cock not fully gripping.
"It's so pretty" you say and fully grip him as he lets out a gasp. His hands gripping the sides of the stool.
You lean in as if you're inspecting it, making sure your breath can be felt on the tip.
Billy whimpers again, his hips slightly shifting. You give the tip a kitten lick and then look up at billy. His eyes are wide and his mouth open completely entranced.
You take his right hand and place it on the back of your neck before leaning completely forward and taking the head of his cock in your mouth. You feel the hand on your neck start to squeeze, and you hear him starting to pant above you.
You take as much into your mouth as you can and grip the rest with your hand as you start bobbing your head up and down, hollowing your cheeks. Billy slides his hand up from your neck into your hair.
"P-p-please don't stop," he says in between whimpers. You start to move your head more vigorously. Feeling his cock battering the back of your throat. His whimpering is getting steadily louder, and his hips start to buck up off the stool. His hand gripping your hair as if he is hanging on for dear life.
You lower your head as far down as you can until it causes you to gag. Billy moves to pull your hair back with both his hands, watching your every move intently.
"Oh, I'm gonna, oh no, I'm gonna." He doesn't finish his sentence before you feel his cock pulse I'm your mouth as his seed shoots down your throat.
You make sure to swallow everything he gives you and then rise to your feet. He sits on the stool face flushed with beads of sweat on his forehead.
"I bet you really need that pack a smokes now, huh?" You say cheekily as you walk back around to the back of the counter.
Billy is still speechless sitting on the stool, and he hasn't moved an inch yet. Only his eyes are following you around the room.
You go back over to him, sitting in the stool and handing the pack of cigarettes to him. He stares at the pack blankly, not moving.
You giggle, taking his hand and placing the cigarettes in them. This contact seems to wake him up, and he looks at you.
"T-thank you"
You smile sweetly at him. "I have to finish closing this place up now.
"Oh yeah, sure i should....." he looks down and gets himself back into his joggers.
"I should probably get out of your way then," he stands up. He looks over at you like he wants to say something else but can't bring himself to do so. He walks to the door and opens it to step out.
"Billy?" He stops and looks at you.
"I expect to see that happy smiling man back in here. I have a surprise. I can't wait to give him"
Billy dawns a giant cheeky grin that lights up his face.
"I think he will be coming to this store often"
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#billy washington fanfiction#billy washington x reader#billy washington smut#billy washington#ewan mitchell verse#ewan mitchell fanfic#billy washington oneshot#ewan mitchell#ewanverse#trigger point#ewan nation#jess fics#my sad puppy bf
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when will the sims 4 give me an eastern europe inspired world i can't make my sims live in blue suburbans or gorgeous penthouses. they need 10 stories high blocks painted grey w a blue stripe to live. with a cornerstore. and a playground in the middle
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just saw a video of a guy robbing a cornerstore & i'm not here to debate the ethics or morals around that. what i'm concerned about is the only american spirits he stole were a whole row of the yellow packs....like you basically just stole air...you had rows of the black packs & blue packs but went with the yellows??????? i'm not theftshaming but i am haulshaming
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Hi! 9, 10, and 11 for Bravo please? 😊
9. Tell me your favorite moment with your OC. (Either that you wrote or drew.)
I have a couple:
Drama happens and Rictus is missing. Vocatia has Bravo go collect TZ to give him the news and Bravo does this despite her rocky relationship with her golden boy. Bravo watches from the sidelines as Vocatia tells TZ, relating the moment to all of the times she was handed a shattered helmet of another fallen comrade. Bravo's not able to handle it. (it shows how much she actually cares... and how much she fights it. She sees how upset everyone is, but keeps her cold exterior).
After FU has some fun experiments with Ludwig including whether the horror horse can get drunk, Bravo rides him home to ensure a safe passage. She does not speak his language and Ludwig does not know common. However she's openly concerned for the Aylan, questioning FU's ethics in the consensual, but unusual, experimentation.
10. Where is your OC’s favorite place? Like if they were having a bad day, where would they run off too?
There's a little cornerstore that allows Delphteans at the edge of the Black Markets. It's a simple place, stocked with candy, soda, snacks, etc. There's public transport from the Kingdom to it with a bus driver that knew better than to bother her while thinking.
It gives her a chance to get away. And it's the only place that stocks bitterscotch soda.
11. Tell me a random useless fact about your OC.
There's a Delphtean restaurant with a sea monkey tank that she'll "borrow" when she's feeling blue. She'll just sit in it like Eddie from Venom and think.
The restaurant owners don't kick her out because she is a kid of King and Queen... it's a little awkward trying to boss Bravo around.
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there is too much i must say
i've been here, on this page,
for hours at a time,
but i can't find any words.
the pretentious, colloquial, insincere
way that they move is like
a brick through honey.
i've tried to eat it,
it seems sweet,
healing even;
but now there's blood on my mouth
and cigarette butts on the floor.
he marks it as my destiny,
to forever be set apart,
to always be unnatural; artificial.
i am an artifical being
stitched and stapled into a human skin.
there is too much to do--too much to say.
the so-called equality disgusised as equity,
set under the bills and coins from a dystopian society,
is where my only worth is tied to a number.
i look down and i see xx.y. i see xy.z. and zy.x. and they tell me to be happy, but how could i ever be happy when xxx and yyy are tumbling around faster than
casablanca's
earthquakes?
there are cigarettes and shards with pink all over them;
and the pink isn't mine.
someone was here years and tears before me,
did they leave them to garner my approval?
how would he even know if i approve
when he drank himself to death?
not alcohol; no;
he drank poison and called it medicine.
he made me drink it too
and when i refused
he poured it down my throat.
there are red eyes which need stitches closed
and they're mind-numbingly lovely.
they call me by all the names i've given myself
and squeeze my head tight.
they intrude into the most despairingly atrocious
parts of my brain
and cut them open with dull knives.
why does a dull knife hurt more than a sharp one?
did i find my words yet?
i think so, maybe; but not enough.
none to tell the red/blue flashes to leave me alone.
every time i see them they seem to flash in my face especially more. they put me into yellow manila folders and turn them into gashes too deep for even stitches.
-----2
you are the person who i hide from with big red curtains
covering the windowsill.
do you often hide from those you love?
why should i look up into the cloudy night sky,
just to have a chance at seeing a few hopeful stars,
when i could always gaze at the constellations in your soul?
it's as if the sun sets himself on fire,
and screams in pain,
just to keep us warm.
as the moon turns, wanes, and cries
just to give us night.
the doorbell rings,
and i answer it
before anyone else can.
yet i still hide behind the door,
because the most beautiful things i have ever seen
in my entire life
were the archaic cornerstores, from centuries ago;
the black&white films from the 50s--
but you look better than them all.
i like the way you dress
and i like the way you smile
i think that if i could,
i would wipe every problem and
every war off the face of the earth,
just to see you happy.
you remind me of warm brown sweaters
made from hand,
that limited edition starbucks coffee mix
i bought last fall,
and maybe the feeling of home.
i try and look for a home,
the terrible apartment with
40°C weather isn't a proper place to stay.
i think maybe home isn't a place but more of a feeling.
and i think that i feel that when i'm with you.
i think that you could probably wear the same clothes for days and i would still find you beautiful.
today i saw a girl with perfect makeup. she was nice, yes, but i would pick you over her and anyone else every single time. i find you better than everyone, i think, and i'd string ten billion lightbulbs from the night sky just to give you stars.
i miss you when you're not there and i feel better when you are, which is why it is unfathomable to me when you say you dislike yourself. i think that when you grow up in a home as terrible as yours, you mature too quickly, and then your classmates can't relate to you.
i have felt the same a thousand million times, and it's not a problem with you; it never was; it is only a problem with them.
you are pretty like glass-stained windows and warm coffees in december, roses without thorns and sparkling silvery jewelry, and like the frosted dew on petals <3
forgive me,
if i forget my words,
and spill them all like
hot coffee.
let me kiss you instead,
i will let my lips paint
all the paintings that my
tumultous little heart cannot.
you took all the broken shards of my heart
and glued them together,
carefully fitting them back.
you put your fingers inside my chest,
and separate the blue from red wires,
gently pushing them in better spots.
to fall is a mistake;
something to be avoided.
i did not fall into love with you
on accident,
i did it on purpose.
because whether it is 2024,
or 1924,
or 2524,
i will always choose you.
people ask,
"who will choose you first,
in a room full of people?"
i will, i will always choose you.
you are the sun in the morning
and the moon at night.
you are the perfectly done coffee
and the soft buttons on my shirt.
you are everything to me,
you hold my heart in your hands,
and you take care of it so well.
i always found love to be something
odd,
something that would not happen to
me.
how lovely it is to know that not only
am i someone who is able to be loved,
but someone who is loved by someone
as special as you.
you are the most perfect someone
i have ever met,
i cannot believe that you exist, truly.
you are warm mocha coffee in winter,
the special kind that you brew late
just for yourself.
the kind that when you take a sip,
it is everything you have ever wanted.
in that moment, nothing is wrong;
the world is spinning peacefully,
and nobody is hurt.
whenever i am with you,
there is a trance put inside my brain;
a trance that makes me forget everything painful
i have ever experienced.
your smile is like the sun
warming me when i am despairingly cold
~
you are the pins and the bowling ball,
always knocking yourself down.
i wish you could see yourself the way
that i see you;
i wish that you could see your light
as easily as i can see it.
no matter how much you knock yourself down,
i will always set you back up.
~
my love for you is a paintbrush
that can only paint masterpiece;
there is a lovely image of you
painted on the inside of my eyelids.
~
i wish to take your hands in mine and kiss them
until there are lipstick stains all over them;
i don't care what anyone else thinks.
as long as i have you,
i have the entire world.
~
i will immortalize our love
in these pages
~
you come up behind me,
with your fingers around my eyes,
making me giggle.
"guess who this is," you say,
but how silly it is to believe
that i would not recognize the feeling
of your soft heart beating against my back.
~
what is a solar eclipse but merely two lovers meeting once more?
for the sun and the moon
are miles apart,
yet they will always come back to each other.
~
i think i will love you forever,
no matter what.
even if you are sick,
i will kiss you until you are better.
as long as the sun burns in the sky,
and as long as the stars shine every night,
as long as the oceans crash against the strikingly beige beach,
i will hold your heart within myself.
~
your voice reminds me of pouring honey in my tea;
it is so sweet, it is made of abundant sugar and milk.
i sing little syllables for you,
but i know that you can do it better.
i have never heard someone whose voice is as pretty as yours.
every single part of you is breathtaking.
from your eyes, the way the colors of gray and blue mix with small hazel specks;
the way your freckles dot your nose, with the little curve on the side;
your full pouty lips colored as rose; simply everything.
your hair is--
--
god, you are too much, but in the most perfect way in the world.
you are too much; photos of you make my heart ache in pleasure.
you are too much; my lips beg for yours endlessly.
swallow me whole and chew me into pieces,
i will enjoy it all.
--
drink little sips of vodka, the bottle firmly stuck in your pretty fingers with the long black nails, and spit it all into my mouth. it will taste good because it has your spit in it. i want everything of you
--
you should light a cigarette and blow the smoke into my mouth while i do your makeup
i will go to illinois in may 2027
i will get a small cheap flat and a small job
i will work and i will save and i will network and i will connect with other people who are interested in art and can hire me
i will get an art job in new york and i will move there
i will live in new york
i will live in new york
i will live in new york
!!!!!!!!!
--
i was so desperate for human connection that i tortured myself the way others tortured me; i joined their war against myself and committed the greatest sins one can do.
WHAT
IF
I
HAVE
DESTROYED
MYSELF
FOR
NOTHING
?!
my eyes burn just from being open;
it is like they cannot take witnessing atrocities no longer.
i am so sorry, i lie, that i have hurt you,
i stare into the mirror and repeat affirmations.
i am worthy
i am kind
i am loving
i am noble
i think i am starting to believe them.
i hated myself,
i harmed myself,
i starved myself,
i purged myself --
i think it is time for something
new.
i am full of the love that i have desired and craved for so much
it is all inside me
i just need to tap into it
just one little tap
"you say my name and i want to knit
my bones into your bones, smooth away
the boundaries of our heartbeats. what
i'm trying to say is that if the temperature
inside those wild pockest of interstellar
dust hits right near absolute zero,
carbon monoxide and dihydrogen
molecules condense together in the dark
nebula to form stars. if you're ready,
i want to make you shiver like that."
[not mine, but it reminds me of you]
don't say "but,"
i don't care,
i love you anyhow.
it is too late to exhume you
out of my heart; my chest, my soul.
part of you lives here.
it is okay to avoid that song, that show, that episode if it hurts you. there will be another song, show, episode, that doesn't provide you with all of this pain. i promise you that it will be alright and that you will not have to suffer so much. you are worthy of love and care. please do not engage in activities that hurt you or cause you anxiety. you do not need to "unlearn your biases" or whatever. these are triggers, not OCD rituals to work through<3
march 5 2024--
everything is rattling around in my head, so much so much so much
last night i was 98.6, 98.6, 98.6, beautiful beautiful beautiful
the last time we were here i was 109, 107, 106, 104, 103…hahaha
no longer am i in the 100s, it's fucking beautiful no? gorgeous and divine and exquisite
i feel like vesper is getting ready to torture me
she is making me feel good before pulling another run away plane stunt and then hurting me so much so much so much
the more you love someone the moreit hurts hurts hurts
burnburnsburns
i can't think i can't breahte it is like my little bone corset is wrapping itself tightly around my body, my eyes are tied too tightly together and it hurts hurts hurts
hazbin hotel is really good i wanted to watch it but its only on amazon prime which hurts hurts hurts me because i need need need a distraction and oh god maybe i will just watch it on one of those pirating sites but god god god what if the vpn only allows 15 min at a time and i get lost lost lost in the show and then get forced forced forced back into the real world??????
i took the bus today it was nice the cbse kids are all gone and it took a nice other route today and dropped me off at school early
i dont know i think it is nice nice nice that i was dropped early early early but it was also so fucking DISAPPOINTING because i LOVE the bus i CARE for the bus SO FUCKING MUCH!
janos is going to manipulate his exgf into liking him again oh GOD that hurts so much HURTS because nobody has ever wanted me so much to manipulate me :( it BURNS
Vesper was not even that mean she is just depressed and sad but i am ALSO depressed and sad dont my feelings count for ANYTHING??? she doesnt know how to help me at fucking ALL and yet she acts like i am SUCH a bad person when i call her out on it
but i know that she is not a therapist it is unfair for her to put all of her shit onto me
unfair unfair unfair
sad sad sad
that's all i feel right now
god
why cant i just have a good friend?
someone who i always have fun with
someone who i dont have to gamble with if they will like me today or not
it's always back and forth with her but not BIG back and forth just little back and forth
i am big love little sad big love little mad with vesper
vesper vesper vesper holy SHIT all i do is talk about that FUCKING girl
I AHTJEAIJAK MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE HAVING BPD
I HATE IT
I HATE IT
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wanna DIE i wanna KILL MYSELF I WISH I COULD KILL MYSELF AND STARVE AND CUT AND DRINK AND FUCKING DRINK AND SMOKEKEE AND DRIVE INTO A FUCKING WALL!!!!!!
IT IS BURNING ME ALIVE
god
i dont hate vesper
i am just afraid of losing her
i am so afraid of abandonment
that any little pull! any little small thing
makes me feel like she will leave me
i make her afraid of me
because i am so afraid that she will leave that i terrorize her
and then i take her fear of me, her RIGHT fear of me
and i make it worse
it's a self-fulfilling prophecy
i am a self-fulfilling prophecy
my overreactions to things are not my fault, it's calming to know that it isn't me or her, it's just a fight/flight response being activated; i am hypervigilant for fear of danger and threat
but it's calming to know that there is no real danger, only my emotions which i need to work through. i need to breathe for a few minutes, go for a run, anything.
i have little control over how i feel but a lot of control over how i react. i just need to be self-aware and mindful of myself
I think it's essential to start working on trusting your partner and trying to see them through a lens that does not involve immediate abandonment. Because a lot of the time we self-sabotage because we need to be in control of someone or perceived abandonment even. Ultimately that comes with the acceptance than anyone in your life is not guaranteed to stay, people don't sign contracts with us
Anyway, in instances like this it's important to stop and think about how you can contest your negative thoughts. Because reassurance only stems from the insecurities within. And some insecurities are brought on by past trauma. Realizing that this is a new relationship and that it's not like the past might help ease some of that pain.
you have to believe that you're worthy of love to receive it
you will always regret eating
you will never regret not eating
watch starving in suburbia
Focus on other things than the guy. Pick up a new hobby, start a new creative project, call up a friend and ask them to hang out. Put your phone down and focus on cooking a meal for yourself that you really like.
Ask yourself what kind of hole the idea of this person and your future with him is filling. What about yourself and your life makes you feel like someone else is the key to your happiness? And how can you be there for yourself regardless of what happens with this dude?
Get to know yourself more. What are your values? What food and drinks do you like the most? Favorite color? Favorite music? It’s a good time to pick up juice boxes from the store, listen to familiar music, wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself.
"I brush until my gums bleed, then I scrub harder. Red Lia juice dribbles
down my chin, transforming me into a hungry vampire ready to suck the
life out of anyone who pisses me off. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I
am one of the undead. Vampires are pale, cold, and skinny like me. They
secretly hate the taste of blood, hate the way they make people cry, hate
graveyards and coffins and the beast that drives them. They will lie about
hating it until someone drives a stake through their heart."
i love and care for decay; i have a sickly fascination for it and i find such beauty in suicide
i wish to commit suicide slowly, slowly, slowly; to let myself die and decay and waste away under everyone else's eyes
-
Loving you is really easy, the easiest thing in the world in fact.
CPTSD Vent / Rant
The fact that they couldn't love you properly is a reflection of them, not you. They could not give what they did not have,
im gonna live like there's no tomorrow
i dont got a reason to live tomorrow
spend all my days wishing i was
okay
. . . .
constantly worry about your opinion
tryna rip apart the skin i live in
grab me a lighter and a red ho-ot knife (. .)
i'm a fu-ucking su-perstar
i spend my days chasing cars
my bones are demolished
and sma-all
my bo-dy is rot-ted
my skin is all scarred
i act like a chi-ild
i wan-na go faaaar
constantly worry about your opinion
tryna rip apart the skin i live in
grab me a lighter and a red ho-o-ot knife (.)
rip out my chest and take out all my organs
replace with thumbtacks and cardboard smores-in
hashtag, hashtag, social media-a-a's ru-ules
listen to mee
a-as i speak
don't worry bout
all the pain and the agony
i wi-ill keep
it all in my sleeve
and we'll eat pom-e-gran-ate seeds
na na na na
na na na na naaa
na na na na
fa la la la la
You're all absolutely beautiful. You all determine your own worth but your skin color is not something to base your value off, while you may have experienced negativity as a result of your skin the people inflicting this negativity onto you are doing so because of harbored anger, fear, ignorance, and arrogance. You're so much more than the words or actions of others, your skin is beautiful. You are a luscious deep cocoa, a sun kissed goddess warm like honey, a delectable caramel latte, a soft creamy white with undertones of pink like a cherry blossom, you are you. When you strip away the stereotypes you are left with a individual, a person with their own interests, passions, beliefs, thoughts, wants, likes. You are beautiful because you are you, and being you is more than enough. There is only one of you, appreciate yourself.
Ear protection. It helps me with auditive overstimulation. In class or even walking in public, it gives my brain a chance not to need to be hyper alert at all times.
Migrane mask. Able to use cold or warm. Its like a nice prssure around my head and eyes and helps me calm down for a few minutes.
Deleting Tiktok and other fast media. Instead I try to relearn to watch tv or netflix without other stimulation. It is hard but when I got the gang of it, it really helped me feel more at ease.
Snacking. Especially cutting fruit for yourself and making something nice when you get home to just chill infront of your tv. Put your chips in a bowl instead of the bag. I make myself feel cared for which is super nice.
Having a dog. He makes me get up in the morning, helped me have a hobby and meet other people at dog school. It is exhausting, but so worth it. He also works as my living weighted blanket.
Leaving and coming back later. I know you can't do that in every situation. For me I do it at school, when it gets too much I just study somewhere else in the building or go outside. It's not my problem that other people overwhelm me, and i know how to take care of it, so I just get back later.
Sharing how you feel. Especially here in this community. It really helped me understand that I am not the problem, that I am not alone and that I am not an alien in this world. You are anonymous, no one wants to hurt you here and we are listening. Just dump everything here instead of bottling up even more shit that you didn't deserve!
ygabcd
wd story
plan it out
small chapters
update 5x a week
proper tags
network w other users
3/16/24
march 16 2024
just took a bunch of pills
hope i die in my sleep
i think vesper will get her phone taken again
then she wont be able to talk to me
i cant relive the awfulness that happened last time this happened
it hurts so much but all under the surface
like im so numb and emotionally devoid and detached from everything
i feel the pills in my fat bloated stomach
im listening to show&tell by melanie martinez
it reminds me of aya
i miss aya :(
i miss her so much…ugh
i wish i had just fucked that girl in october…ughhghksndd
im listening to kms by sub urban again
its nice
lets me know im not alone
the fan makes me cold but also hot yk
india shitttt
i miss america
i resent vesper for living in europe
she doesnt deserve it
i deserve it
well she deserves it for sure shes a good person
just idk i deserve it too
id GLADLY switch places with her
i wanna be vesper
not me
i wanna be someone else someone better
not me ew not me not me not me
everyone drinks and smokes and does drugs even vesper
she could have sex if she wanted
i want to be her so badly
its 2:33 am rn
old me would have loved to be so badly
im gonna look at my old veritas academy photos on facebook yayayy
Learning that even if something was scary, I would be okay. Also I think I genuinely hated myself for so long and that contributed to me feeling so easy to leave and hard to love. The second I started appreciating myself a little more, I started feeling less threatened by every single fucking thing that happened in my life.
3/17/24
your worth is not defined by money; your worth is not defined by capitalistic materials used to officiate pain and suffering
your worth is defined by love and care and joy and amazement; the feelings that people have for you, the good ones - the way someone's eyes lights up as they meet yours, the care and love they speak of you, the letters they write and the things that they say when you are not around to witness it
my egg donor has said so many hurtful things to me today. i hate it all. i was upset but i did not need your guilt and "oh i am such a bad person" on top of it. i did not need you to victimize yourself and guilttrip and gaslight and manipulate me into forgiving you and allowing you to invade my space and touch me. i am my own person. i have my own rights. i have my own bodily autonomy and i am allowed to refuse any touch i want. i am a human being. i am a person. i am not your slave. i am not your prisoner. i am not a criminal or someone who has done any sort of heinous crime to deserve this treatment. however, you have committed an incredibly large amount of vile and disturbing acts of child abuse again me. how DARE you treat a child like that. how dare you treat ME like that. you are the most despicable and disgusting and ABHORRENT types of people on earth. you deserve nothing but pain and fear and torture your whole life, not me. i will heal and i will survive this and i will get over this. i do not need YOU to play the victim and gaslight me.
most people are not as dramatic as your donors are. if they are, then that is a sign to leave in order to protect and shield yourself. however, most people on this earth are normal and do not immediately jump to the most extreme forms of action when faced with minor issues. their melodrama is perpetuating the BPD highs and lows ("you hate me, you love me") but that is NOT true. grayscale exists, that is why there is a full color wheel and not just opposite vibrant or wholly dark colors. there is not just black and white. there are multiple shades of gray, 50 infact xD
vesper loves you and cares for you very much. she cherishes you and holds you in her palms as her lovely girlfriend. your friends also cherish you and hold you in their palms. you are a person, and you hold them all in your palms too. human hearts are very big, and they can hold and love very many people at the same time.
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Corner spot . . . #uglydumpling #london #london🇬🇧 #unitedkingdom #carnaby #cornerstore #storefront #newburghstreet #teal #blue #dumplings #cornerspot #uk (at London, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CK8XbKvB58r/?igshid=1c21x8amca6mi
#uglydumpling#london#london🇬🇧#unitedkingdom#carnaby#cornerstore#storefront#newburghstreet#teal#blue#dumplings#cornerspot#uk
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BLACK
By some sad mischance
I have come to associate
Cigarettes with you, my love,
Though I never beheld you
Lighting a joint or pulling on
One of those sweet black cigs
The cornerstore by school sells -
They leave your lips so sweet.
Now every time my father
Settles down at the dining table
Enwrapped in a dull haze
Of tobacco and sawdust,
I cannot help but clutch
At my belly and tumble
Out of the room.
And only last summer
I would trail him around
In his purple smoke haze,
Drinking in the leftovers
Sticking to the heated daze.
- pollosky-in-blue
#not as euphoric as i let on - in fact it is an intensely pathetic scene - but yes#hey Al this is the black cigarette poem i was talking about :')#original poems#poetry#spilled poetry#poems#poetry excerpt#spilled poem#poets on tumblr#spilled words
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late nights ; bts
a/n: this was inspired by the beautiful who people who make "falling in love with [insert idol here]" and other such playlists that gave me the courage to do this. these are all songs from my playlist (yes really, issa mess) and i hope you like the combos i formed. i'll probably add more songs as time goes on but for now these are the choseon ones.
these are all in spotify so if you want me to make a youtube music version, i'll be glad to <3
enjoy ¡!
seokjin ♡
how to get physical ; magdalena bay
angel ; onlyoneof
lost in translation ; the neighbourhood
n°1 loves you ; phangs
gold rush ; taylor swift
can i call you tonight? ; dayglow
love my way ; the psychadelic furs
a certain romance ; arctic monkeys
aka... what a life! ; noel gallagher's high flying birds
thoughts from your car ; nodisco
nobody gets me (like you) ; wallows
into my arms ; coin
suburban wonderland ; between friends
don't panic ; coldplay
undisclosed desires ; muse
sunflower vol. 6 ; harry styles
helium ; glass animals
505 ; arctic monkeys
jungle ; cix
when it breaks ; inhaler
dionne ; the japanese house
goodnight n go ; ariana grande
if you want to ; beabadoobee
i think there's something you should know ; the 1975
butterflies ; fiji blue
playlist available here
yoongi ♡
mr disco ; new order
4ever ; clairo
love talk ; jus2
myth ; beach house
let there be love ; oasis
is it real? ; strange talk
comeback ; carly rae jepsen
eternal summer ; the strokes
evermore ; taylor swift
4u ; blackbear
daydreams ; easy llife
talk ; coldplay
like a friend ; pulp
robbers ; the 1975
first love / late spring ; mitski
golden skans ; klaxons
rome ; phoenix
sit next to me ; foster the people
greek tragedy ; the wombats
7 ; catfish and the bottlemen
single ; the neighbourhood
black celebration ; depeche mode
scar tissue ; red hot chili peppers
tranz ; gorillaz
bleach ; brockhampton
playlist available here
hoseok ♡
the rhythm of night ; vinyl theatre
stranger things ; kygo
good grief ; bastille
in dreams ; empress of
iloveyou ; between friends
summer love ; trevor something
dancing with our hands tied ; taylor swift
bite ; troye sivan
kiss me, kill me ; la bouquet
pools ; glass animals
avalanche ; walk the moon
alive ; xylo
must be a dream ; tempesst
landslide ; fleetwood mac
starry night ; mamamoo
surrender ; walk the moon
yea, babe, no way ; lany
without you ; oh wonder
i only wanna talk to you ; the maine
new romantics ; taylor swift
heart out ; the 1975
treat me like a lover ; will joseph cook
let's get lost ; carly rae jepsen
static space lover ; foster the people
youuu ; coin
playlist available here
namjoon ♡
if you're too shy let me know ; the 1975
cornerstore ; arctic monkeys
bloom later ; jesse
alone with you ; kito
the greatest ; lana del rey
believe me natalie ; the killers
false god ; taylor swift
life is simple in the moonlight ; the strokes
kyoto ; phoebe bridgers
east of eden ; zella day
clocks ; coldplay
imagination ; foster the people
lovers rock ; tv girl
ava adore ; smashing pumpkins
after midnight ; wayv
lovesong ; the cure
scary love ; the neighbourhood
cherry ; lana del rey
bbblue ; olivver the kid
III ; foster the people
meet me in the hallway ; harry styles
i love you so ; the walters
fourth of july ; sufjan stevens
one more love song ; mac demarco
mirrorball ; taylor swift
playlist available here
jimin ♡
this must be my dream ; the 1975
human ; the killers
midnight ; fickle friends
a little longer ; lauren presley
light ; ateez
be the one ; dua lipa
flowers ; the neighbourhood
what you wanted ; onerepublic
coachella ; lovelytheband
superstar ; said the sky
i think i'm in love? ; phangs
baby came home 2 / valentines ; the neighbourhood
long story short ; taylor swift
let me love you like a woman ; lana del rey
number 1 ; loona
love like you care ; perlo
10k summer nights ; eighty ninety
little league ; conan gray
moonlight in my bedrom ; nodisco
montage ; bares
love again ; gregory dillon
gamebody ; hbd
daphne blue (acoustic) ; the band camino
stayway ; muna
me & you together song ; the 1975
playlist available here
taehyung ♡
alone with you ; gregory dillon
love maze ; bts
honey + tea ; mozi
medicine ; the 1975
territory ; waterparks
love lockdown ; glass animals
ribs ; lorde
softly ; clairo
lights up ; harry styles
treat her better ; mac demarco
asleep ; the smiths
i would do anything for you ; foster the people
love is a laserquest ; arctic monkeys
august ; taylor swift
4 am ; olivver the kid
when the party's over ; billie eilish
skylines ; glades
poet ; bastille
fuck it i love you ; lana del rey
strawberries & cigarrettes ; troye sivan
butterfly ; bts
talk to me ; cavetown
daylight ; taylor swift
truce ; twenty one pilots
slow dancing in the dark ; joji
playlist available here
jungkook ♡
i wanna be yours ; arctic monkeys
matter ; shallows
sad people dancing ; la bouquet
venice ; magdalena bay
hide & seek ; loona
rainy days in la ; adam&steve
ink ; coldplay
perfect ; public
drive all night ; joan
the birthday party ; the 1975
remember when ; wallows
peach pit ; peach pit
a kiss ; the driver era
stargazing ; the neighbourhood
the truth untold ; bts
2 hold u ; clairo
happiness ; rex orange county
feb 14 ; cavetown
glass in the park ; alex turner
stay ; post malone
lover of mine ; 5 seconds of summer
smithereens ; twenty one pilots
exist for love ; aurora
you are in love ; taylor swift
old eden ; honeywater
playlist available here
#bts playlists#bts playlist#bts#jungkook playlist#taehyung playlist#hoseok playlist#namjoon playlist#jimin playlist#yoongi playlist#seokjin playlist#bts imagines#bts preferences#bts reactions#bts scenarios#playlist#spotify
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☆ flanked ☆ prologue | knj
(verb) flank -
guard or strengthen (a military force or position) from the side.
attack down or from the sides, or rake with gunfire from the sides.
☆ pairing: soldier!namjoon x widow!reader; namjoon x fem!reader
☆ word count: 2K
☆ summary: you’re a recently widowed military spouse who is stationed at camp walker, south korea. you’re dealing with the tragedy of your husband’s recent death, and in the process, you accidentally meet a k-pop idol you’ve had a crush on for years. who knew you’d both be at the same post while he’s doing his compulsory service? who knew he’d be so damn nice? who knew it would be impossible to get him out of your head?
☆ warnings: mentions of death, public embarrassment, military death, adult language
☆ a/n: hey everyone c:i’m really happy to be reuploading this fic; i’m going to set a goal of updating it once a month. this is my baby, and i want to do it right, so if it doesn’t come as predictably as i want it to, apologies in advance, but i really hope you enjoy what i have!
this fic starts of intense and will only get more intense. i very much recommend double checking the warnings list because there’s gonna be some pretty heavy stuff in the prologue here and going forward. please do keep in mind that this is purely fiction and i do not want (most of) this to actually happen to anyone. it won’t all be sad though, promise! i mean it’s namjoon we’re talking about: the biggest goofball on the planet. there will be eventual smut, but we have to build up to it, now don’t we? thanks luv, enjoy!
Here you are, in the quaint little convenience store and dry cleaning shop right outside of post, on just another cloudy Winter Wednesday. However, today is a little different, because you have made it to the front of the line and have begun violently crying. Not one of those shedding a single tear cries, but a terrible cry that has taken hold of your entire body. A shaking, snot-faucet, fist-clenching cry. Nothing truly lamentable has happened, except for an inability to recall the Korean word for receipt. You’ve lived at Camp Walker for just shy of two years, so it’s safe to say your ineffectiveness in vocalizing your needs isn’t for lack of knowledge. Despite your quickly-grasped and quite thorough knowledge of the language, the overwhelming sadness and anger you possess about your situation somehow has evaporated away all your Hangul proficiency. Which has left you looking utterly incompetent. Of course a breakdown is in order. All you needed to do was pick up your dead husband’s dress blues for fucks sake, but you can’t remember how to speak and now you’re embarrassing yourself and wasting this poor lady’s time and why does this have to be so goddamn difficult.
The people behind you in line are now beginning to stare in a strange mix of confusion, concern, irritation, and apprehension. Perfect. You exit the line and begin sputtering out desperate attempts at the lost word, so entirely wrapped up in your own stupid brain that you fail to register the approach of a tall man in an American style ACU. A deep and calm voice eases out of the truly tree-sized man in front of you.
“Ma’am, do you need some help?” he asks.
Your vision is tear-ruined and the last thing you want is pity. Pity is exhausting.
“Oh, you’re gonna help the poor little sad girl, huh?” you spit out at him, not even bothering to look up, “just tell me the fucking word for receipt please. That’s all I need.”
Despite your downright rudeness, the man replies without hesitation. “Yeongsujeung. Are you sure that’s all I can help you with?” You look over towards the counter to see that the lady has begun helping other customers, and you really aren’t looking forward to waiting in line again. No pity, you remind yourself, so you shake your head at the man and meekly muster out a “gamsahabnida” as you stare at the floor, too embarrassed at your lack of composure to make eye contact with your new acquaintance.
He just sighs and says, “Ma’am, would you mind if I stood in line for you? It might feel good if you sat down for a minute. I promise it’s not a hassle. I’m here to get my dry cleaning too.”
Jesus Christ, what is this guy? Some kind of mind reader? Who is that observant? Or are you just that obvious? You really, really don’t want more help. That’s all people have been trying to do for the past week. Coming by your house with food, offering to walk your dog, so many informational pamphlets about therapy, every person saying that they can be a listening ear if you need it. But you don’t. You just want to be left alone already. Nothing anyone has said has been comforting, because they don’t actually know what it’s like. They just don’t get it. And it’s nice that they want to help and are actually trying, but fuck. It mostly just makes things worse. But your head hurts from the exertion of crying, and that’s all it takes to convince you that you might actually want to sit down.
You wipe your eyes and finally feel like you’re allowed to really breathe again. You look up at the kind man to thank him once more, this time more sincerely, and in that instant, you’re sure you’ve gone insane. That’s got to be it. The death of your husband has thrown you completely off your rocker. That’s the only explanation for what stands before you. You’ve finally had a full psychotic break and are currently hallucinating in the corner store. You’d honestly burst out laughing if your throat wasn’t raw, because standing in front of you is a man who looks remarkably like Kim Namjoon.
You haven’t thought about this man in years, and his dark shorter haircut instead of his usual longer locks is probably the most confusing matter about the whole thing, oddly enough. You recall in your mind the photocard you have of him from when you bought one of their albums several years ago. The luscious long blonde hair in the photo is shockingly different to the style that he’s sporting now. If it weren’t for his signature dimple greeting you alongside his small sincere grin, you’d almost have never recognized him.
Oh my god. And now you’re standing in front of him, and he’s standing in front of you, and he’s so much taller than you thought he would be, and you’re having a meltdown in a cornerstore, and he’s so much more handsome in person, and now you’re staring into each other's eyes and this can’t be happening.
It can’t really be him. You’ve just gone completely mental. You know the leader of BTS began his compulsory military service about a year and a half ago, but the chances of you crossing paths is still nearly impossible. You begin to tell yourself that he’s just a doppelgänger and your recent distress and suffering has made your brain desperate for serotonin. It can’t really be him. You’re just crazy now. That would be easier to deal with, at least.
You half don’t believe it’s him and half don’t want to believe it’s him. If it is him, you sure as hell don’t want to make the interaction any more weird than it’s already been. If it’s not him, you’d only be embarrassing yourself further. The best, and really, only course of action to take at this point, because you absolutely do not trust your words, is just to nod your head and avert your gaze as you walk to the little bench by the door. You try to focus your thoughts on literally anything other than your brain’s manifestation of a pop star. It almost doesn’t happen, but as peace comes, you mentally thank yourself for your long-time practice of mindfulness. It would have been an impossible task had you never done this before. By the time he gets to the front, you’ve successfully managed to calm down and focus on your breathing. You’ve got yourself convinced the man simply looks similar to Namjoon, and that’s it. Nothing to get worked up about.
As you rejoin the man, he greets you with another warm grin and gestures to the counter. Shit. Are you ready to talk again? He’s insisting you go first, and you notice the little dimple poke out again. His lips are so… pillowy. Oh god, are you staring? You shake loose of his grasp on you and in practically perfect Korean, apologize to the lady for before, tell her the last name and details on the order, and tell her you’re sorry about misplacing the receipt from drop off with the order number on it because it’s... been a really long week. She nods, seeming relieved you didn’t burst into tears again and goes in the back to search for your items.
The tall serviceman next to you now speaks to you in Korean. “That was impressive. You’ve been here for a long time?”
“Only two years.”
“Well I suppose you really didn’t need my help then,” he says and chuckles a little. “I’m glad to see sitting down was able to help you relax.”
The lady hands over the dry cleaning and you thank her. As you pay, tears begin to swell in your eyes again. You’re holding the things your husband will be buried in. You can’t stop yourself from picturing it all… the funeral, his cold body, whether you’ll have to hold a closed casket ceremony, his poor mom, how long the receiving line is going to be, whether he would want flowers or not, wondering if you’ll be able to put his little award stripes on his suit jacket in the right order or if you’re going to have to get help… again.
Being so wrapped up in your thoughts, you don’t notice your new acquaintance giving the lady his ticket. He turns to you after she’s walked in the back.
“Lucky husband, getting his dress uniform picked up for him. You really know how to spoil a man, huh?” The seemingly innocent comment shoots fire through your veins. The woman returns with his dry cleaning and they go through payment as you let the anger boil inside of you. He is oblivious to the metaphorical bombs going off inside your body. You stare a hole into the man’s head as you spit out “My husband is fucking dead.”
You turn to leave and don’t look back, not giving him a chance to process your revelation. He makes the connection a moment too late, but he’s quick to catch up with you in the parking lot, this time speaking English. “Ma’am please let me apologize. I didn’t realize...”
You continue walking to your car; you don’t want to look at him again. “I don’t need an apology from you. It doesn’t matter.”
“Please, I had no idea. I was trying to make small talk; I never would have said that-“
You whir around and glare at him. You were done. “I get it, okay? Just stop feeling sorry for me already. I’m tired of it. Thank you for waiting in line for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a fucking funeral to plan.” The words come flying out and with each new sentence, you see him recoil again and again. His eyes are full of remorse and... understanding? You hold his gaze longer than you wanted to, and time stands still. What are you doing?
You’re fumbling with your keys, trying to manage the electronic key fob to unlock your car. He takes this opportunity to scribble some words and numbers on a paper he has clumsily fished out of one of his many uniform pockets and extends it out to you. Is he really trying to give you his number right now?! You’d be really flattered that a man this attractive is making a pass at you, if you hadn’t, you know, just told him your husband fucking died. You furrow your brows and roll your eyes, ready to chew him out again.
“Here, this is the name and address for a group therapy session on post for people who have gone through recent loss. We meet on Thursdays. I don’t know how much longer you’ll be in Korea, but you’d be welcome. I promise.”
You just stare at him dumbly, unable to process this information. Therapy? You’d been given so many pamphlets on loss that it made your head spin. The only thing that thoughts of therapy has done for you in the past week has brought up terrible associations.
“Please. Take it.”
His eyes are pleading. You can’t bear to see the desperation any longer. Breaking away from his heavy gaze, you take the scrap of paper. With one last thank you, you get in your sedan, throw the dry cleaning into the passenger seat, and lock the doors.
With your head in your hands, you start to cry again. Why do you have to be so mean? Thinking of the man, you turn to look in the rear-view mirror with a gentle hope that he’s still behind your car. You don’t know why you’re disappointed when he isn’t.
Thursday is tomorrow. You can make it until then.
#bts smut#bts imagines#namjoon x you#namjoon x reader#namjoon smut#soldier!namjoon#military!au#idol!namjoon#bts fanfiction#bts fanfic#bts fic
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"Can you take my white ass to six flags" is a meme but I didnt know that when I very first saw it in impact font over a picture of the blue bird from Star Fox. I also didnt know what Six Flags was I thought it was a cornerstore
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Copaganda is utterly amazing. Like, it is just so blatant in what it's trying to do, and people treat them like innocent shows that are simply fun to watch.
My mother almost exclusively watches them. Right now, she's on Blue Bloods and it's pretty bad overall if you pay any attention. It's one of those where good cops do everything they can to "protect the public", IA and attorneys are vile scum that only stand in the way of True Justice and get rid of good cops who only make one small mistake, so on and so forth.
Except something stood out about the episode I caught a glimpse of tonight. It featured the one black cop they have shown on the force. He decided to protect his daughter while he was off duty instead of trying to take down two armed robbers in some cornerstore.
All of a sudden, IA is actually the good guys getting rid of bad cops that can't do their jobs right, ones who tarnish the reputation of officers in the city, who make flawed decisions, and you name it. The whole thing framed him as some selfish person who put his own interests above those of the city and that's why he needs to go.
I don't even need to explain all the ways this is just plain wrong.
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Here is the situation: you emerge from your cave after days just for 10 minutes to get the most basic groceries from the cornerstore. Preferably early so there are only a few people in the store if any. Quick in and out so nothing fancy.
So the basic image is that you kinda forgot to shower yesterday and your hair haven't seen shampoo and water in a week either and it's at the awkward length of not long enough but not even short anymore. The once rich midnight blue streaks are faded moss green and frankly the colour reminds you of goose poo so you just throw a cap on with some weird graphic design to hide most of it. You are in worn and beatup hiking boots, faded black jeans, black tshirt, black half zipped up hoodie and a leather jacket. Basically the first things you grabbed and half of them probably in need washing as well. So like ultimate quarantine/end-of-semester-student caveman setup. But who cares, you'll be back in 10 tops. And you put in your earphones without music just to dim out the world a bit, because why not.
And there is this two 14-16yo kids on a bench along your way drinking cola or some cheap energy drink and weirdly eyeing you. So you are getting uneasy so you pass them fairly quickly but after a few steps you overhear the following because they think you are listening to music so they don't keep it down:
Kid1: 'that a boy or a girl?
Kid2: Who cares? 'Looks cool.
And i was just like wtf? Do you have eyes kids? What the hell is wrong with you?? I get it i have a dude-vibe(according to someone i used to be friends with) sometimes, but still.. also i'm not cool, i'm tired and unwashed(i'm already working on to remedy that). That's really not cool. What's wrong with people👁_👁'
#todays is a weird fucking day already and it's barely started#okay considering the email yesterday this weekend is just getting weirder and weirder#levynn cries about nonsense
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how much did you say smokes were in tx? i was in an actual corner store yesterday for car inspection and thought of you (i live on outskirts of huge east coast city and those were seen as dirty or something so they're almost obsolete in favour of the massive super-lit fuel chain hall of comfort. the corner store is charming however
-do you ever write silly poetry like ode to corner store
-do you enjoy wh auden or ogden nash
anyway smokes are 7-7.50/pk here and if theyre 10 in tx and i'm not misremembering i want to create an export supply just for you. when i become famous dry goods tycoon in future i will do this. this is the land of lucky strikes, it is best to share the bounty
thats so weird dinky cornerstores are everywhere here. camel blues are like $6.50 a pack or so but i appreciate your concern lol
i think all my poetry is silly and cannot claim to be a fan of nash but audens work is occasionally charming
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I decided I’m posting spoilers
In my creative writing class, I decided to take season 2, episode 4 of Bite The Bullet and make it into a short-story-esque read. Scattered scenes from the episode will be below ;) Would love feedback!!!!
“Well, have you tried… maybe like-”
“Give it up, Kiyami.” Beatrix fumbled to get her fingers untangled from her curls. Kiyami slumped onto the table and placed her cheek in her hand.
“Bee… he’s not going to stop bugging you until you tell him to stop.”
“He’s never going to stop.” Beatrix's hand flung free, nearly knocking her tea off the table. Kiyami helplessly opens her phone after a slight ding emerges, and she lets out a sigh.
“Are you still answering his calls?” Beatrix freezes, and without a word Kiyami knew the answer. She was disappointed, but not surprised. The room suddenly grew colder, Kiyami rubbing her arms for warmth, looking to see if the air conditioning kicked back on. It didn’t. She watched Beatrix pick at her nail polish for what felt like hours.
“You don’t understand.” Beatrix’s voice choked under the pressure, barely finishing the last word.
“What do you mean I don’t understand? I thought I knew you better than anyone ever has.”
“Well, clearly you don’t.” her stare lingered from her nails to the painting Kiyami hung up above their table. It was a piece of Japan Kiyami spent an entire night telling Beatrix about when she couldn’t sleep. Kiyami practiced tai chi there every day after school as a child, she loved the way the cherry blossoms fell onto her as she swiftly moved her limbs. It was one of the only places Kiyami could be at peace, and Beatrix wanted her to always have a way to be there.
“It’s been 7 months. You need to let him go or-”
“Or you’re going to leave me, right?” The cracks in Beatrix’s voice echoed the pain she was feeling. “If you loved me you wouldn’t make me choose.”
“If you really loved me, there wouldn’t be a choice.” Beatrix’s face grew red, for the first time since she got home, she finally made eye contact. Kiyami could see the pain, the overwhelming amount of confusion, anger, frustration, sadness, everything.
“He was the first person I ever loved and trusted, I told you he wasn’t going to let me go.”
“He murdered people, Beatrix!” Kiyami’s hand slammed onto the table and the deep voice of her past crept up. Frustration overpowered the estrogen Kiyami had been on for years, and hearing her old voice broke her heart even more.
“He did it to protect me.” Beatrix’s teeth began to grind, she continued to pick at her polish without breaking from the stare.
“You’re so stuck on a man that you’re going to make excuses for the murder of your own father? What kind of hold does he have on you?” Kiyami pulled her hand off the table and rested it on Beatrix’s hands. “It wasn’t this bad when we got together, Bee. What happened?”
That’s when she broke. 7 months of tears all came out at once, causing every spec of black eyeliner to smear down her cheeks. She wanted to tell her everything, help her understand, but how? How do you explain the way you’ve been once again manipulated, when you don’t even know it? Weston’s smooth words through the scratchy connection of a prison phone echoed through her mind, and she couldn’t let him go. There’s no way it could ever be possible. Kiyami wrapped her arms around Beatrix, but she pushed her away.
“Hey, let me help you.” Kiyami was back to her soft and light-hearted voice, caring more about Beatrix’s emotions than whatever hold Weston still had on her. “This is part of my job.”
“A relationship isn’t a job, Kiyami!” She hid her frustrations through anger, unknowingly burying every ounce of progress she’s made with Kiyami. “I never felt like work to him.”
“That’s not what I’m saying!” Kiyami’s hand frantically flew to cover her stomach, the other smearing her makeup to the side of her face rather than down her cheeks.
“I need to go.” Beatrix struggled to stand, overrun with emotion that she couldn’t control. She practically ran out the door as Kiyami turned, thinking of following her. Instead she leaned out the door to ask Beatrix to call her, but she was long gone.
Calista opened the door to find Beatrix, who had wiped all of her makeup away on the walk to her place. Her eyes were red and glossy, but Beatrix refused to let another tear fall. With an instant gasp, Calista’s girlfriend, Aia, joined by her side to welcome Beatrix in with a warm hug. Beatrix politely asked not to be touched, and they both backed up, allowing her to sit down wherever she pleased.
“What happened?” Calista sat by Beatrix as Aia began to brew black tea, something that Calista hated but kept around just for Beatrix.
“I don’t think Kiyami wants to be with me anymore.” Beatrix mumbled as she tried to steady her hand.
“Kiyami wants to be with you, Beatrix. Don’t let your insecurity take over the situation at hand.” Aia handed the cup to Beatrix, who only responded with a dirty look. “Too straight forward… right.” Aia stood there for a few moments, and realized that there was no way she was going to help. Kiyami may be her sister, but Aia still hasn’t figured out how to talk to Beatrix. Calista turned and locked eyes with Aia, the pair communicated almost telepathically.
It’s okay, I got it. Aia read from Calista’s soft nod. I think I’m gonna go. Aia said through sucking in her lips and looking down to her right.
“Just know that Kiyami loves you, I hear the way she talks about you every day. She wants you.” Aia picked up her phone from the glass coffee table and left into Calista’s room, hardly making a noise.
“Beatrix, you have to tell me the truth.” Calista put a hand on her knee, which was cold despite Beatrix wearing thick black tights. “Is this about Weston?” the tightening grip on the mug of tea told Calista all she needed to know, and she let out a sigh. “I told you to stop taking his calls.”
“He offered to pay for me to go to art school.”
“And you’re going to take it?!”
“What? No! I-”
“I told you to stop taking money from him! I told you to stop taking calls from him!” Calista moved a cushion away from Beatrix, eyebrows furrowing.
“I did! But then I-”
“But then you decided to take the call! You know how he affects you, and you know how his affect on you hurts Kiyami! For fucks sake, Bee, do you even care about her feelings?”
“I do!” Beatrix’s unsteadiness hurled out in her words, slowly growing more and more exasperated.
“Then why take his call?”
“I-”
“He’s manipulated you. Again.”
“No he hasn’t! I have everything under control!”
“Then why are you crying?!” Beatrix paused to touch her cheeks, she can’t hide her feelings as easily as she used to. Calista’s shoulders dropped. “I can’t keep supporting this.”
“What?”
“I could understand if you weren’t taking his calls anymore, but that’s not the case. You’re letting him do this to you because part of you still wants him to.” Beatrix croaked, trying to say I know, but she couldn’t. There was nothing she could do. The purgatory of emotion, trampled between anger and despair. Calista was exhausted, and Beatrix knew it was over. Not just with her friends, but with Kiyami as well. She’s let him ruin everything for her. Her family, her friends, and any potential romance she could ever have. Beatrix accepted her fate with her best friend and left, trying her best not to slam the door behind her and failing. Aia poked her head out into the hallway to see Calista turn to look back at her.
“I don’t think you should have done that, Cal.” Aia sat next to Calista, her head barely able to lean on her shoulder.
“I don’t know what else to do, she’s stuck.”
“Not everyone needs to hit rock bottom in order to get better. This isn’t a movie.”
“Then what do you suppose I do?” Calista rested her head on Aia’s, letting out a sigh that drew on for what felt like forever. Silence echoed through Calista’s apartment, doubt filling in any cracks left over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three days had passed since Beatrix called Kiyami from the corner of Arcadia Way and Charles Lane. She sulked on the bench painted blue in front of Mike’s Cornerstore, slowly typing in Kiyami’s phone number. The skips between words weren’t because of poor cell service. Beatrix crashed on Malachi’s couch, which only bugged his parent’s a little bit. As long as she paid a little rent for their troubles, everything would be alright… right?
“Beatrix…” Malachi shook her awake, no light shone in through the curtains yet. “You were sleep-talking again, my baba asked me to take you into my room.”
“I’m sorry.” she wiped the mixture of drool and tears from her chin and strained her eyes to see the clock on the wall. “What time is it?”
“Late.” He stood from his knees and went into his room, opening his dresser drawer for a t-shirt. Beatrix awkwardly followed in, hesitating to sit on his bed at first.
“You’re sure they don’t mind I’m in here?”
“Just as long as we’re fully clothed, not sharing a blanket, and the door is wide open.” He closed his dresser with his hip as a white v-neck was pulled down to cover his thin but toned waist; Beatrix failed to notice. Instead of laying back in bed to sleep, he leaned against the wall parallel to Beatrix. “Why did you come here?”
“Because I have nowhere else to go.” she bit her lip, eyes avoiding his.
“I know that’s not true. You came to me before your brother.” A wall of awkward silence built brick by brick as the clock ticked on.
“I don’t want to explain everything to him.”
“Don’t you think your own twin would understand what’s going on in your head more than your eh- uh, whatever I am to you.”
“I think you count as an ex.”
“Cool, so you ghosting me hurts a little bit more now.”
“Aren’t you happy I came to you?”
“Don’t get me wrong, I am. I just... don’t get why. You haven’t talked to me since you left.” His arms crossed with defense, preparing himself to say something that could set off what he knows to be a ticking time bomb. “You haven’t even apologized yet.”
“I know.” She looked at all the baseball trophies Malachi’s parents demanded be kept on the shelves. “That’s because I’m not sorry.”
“What the hell kind of response is that?” Malachi’s arms fell in dumbfoundedness.
“It’s my response. It’s the truth.” She bit her lip, the taste of blood spilling onto the side of her tongue. Malachi was perplexed, there was no way he could possibly respond to that. The two of them sat in silence for a while, until Malachi muscled the ability to ask the question that’s been lingering for months.
“Why’d you do it?”
“There’s a lot going on that you don’t know about.”
“With Weston?”
“With… Weston…” Malachi could see she was ready to open up, and maybe give him the answer he’s been longing for. She explained everything. How she fell fast and hard for Kiyami, simply because Kiyami made her feel like Weston didn’t exist anymore. Malachi had a lot of qualities Weston had, and whenever he said something Weston had said before, it threw Beatrix off guard and she felt reminded of everything he’d done for her. Even though everything Weston did was monstrous, it was still for Beatrix; The deep-set manipulation was making Beatrix feel that maybe, just maybe, murdering 6 people wasn’t so bad in the end. Beatrix told Malachi about Weston paying for her rent up until she moved in with Kiyami, and how Weston offered to pay for art school on top of that.
“Wow…” Malachi looked out to the sun rising through his window, suddenly sitting next to Beatrix on his bed. “That’s… a lot.”
“I know.”
“I really liked you, Beatrix.”
“Do you still?”
“No, not the same way.”
“Good.” The sound of an alarm buzzed through the walls, Malachi’s mother was getting up for work.
“Coffee?” Beatrix shook her head. “Oh, that’s right. Tea only.” She failed to hold back her smile. They sat there for a while, enjoying each other's aura in the silence. Malachi turned to see the bags under Beatrix’s eyes, the restless nights were really beginning to show, especially since she hasn’t had the chance to put makeup on since the last time she cried it all off.
“What do I say?”
“What?”
“In my sleep.” Beatrix looked to the ground, twiddling her thumbs.
“Oh.” Malachi pondered for a moment, wondering whether he thought she was ready to hear the truth or not. “Maybe I’ll tell you later.”
“Maybe you’ll tell me now.” a stern tone rode over her voice.
“Maybe I’ll tell you never.” A cheesy smirk made Malachi’s left dimple show, and he got up to grab his towel. “I’m gonna shower.” Beatrix kept her eyebrows low until the door was completely closed before letting her face relax as she flopped backwards onto the bed.
The way Malachi’s hair fell into his deep brown eyes when it was wet could weaken the knees of any girl, or guy for that matter. Droplets of Old Spice scented water drizzled down his jawline, which was the perfect mix of smooth and angular. He shook his head as water flung everywhere, annoying Beatrix, but causing the group of teen girls at their bus-stop to melt in the 40-degree cold.
“Can you fucking not?” Beatrix wiped droplets off her cheeks as she glared upwards. “You’re practically giving me a shower over here.”
“Oh come on,” Malachi pulled his hood up before opening his car door “It’s not like you didn’t need one anyway.” Beatrix reached out to him from the other side of the car, only for him to poke fun at the fact that she’s far too short to reach across his car.
“You’re lucky it’s cold.” she grimaced.
“You’re lucky I’m letting you come to work with me, again.” her eyes rolled so hard she could see her brain, if there was any light.
“I don’t want to sit at home all day with your father watching a jewish priest read the Torah. I’m sorry.” Malachi let out a laugh.
“Me neither. That shit’s awful.” He pressed a cigarette between his lips before turning the corner, the teen girls once again gushing over him.
“Looks like you’ve got groupies.”
“They flunked classes so bad they need to go to summer school.” He lit his cigarette and drove off from the girls, who were still looking at him and waving to his car. “They’re also sophomores.”
“And for a moment you had me thinking bad grades were the only thing holding you back.” Beatrix joked, but he didn’t seem to take light to it.
“I’m not going to fuck a 15 year old.”
“It’s a joke, dude. I know you’re not like that.”
“Kay well that doesn’t make it funny.”
“I’m sorry, holy shit.” A few seconds of silence were cut off with Beatrix awkwardly turning on the radio, alternative music blasting through the speakers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kenji looked over to Cedric, both of them with concerned looks on their faces.
“You’re allowed to ask her what happened, you know.” Cedric rolled his eyes.
“She doesn’t respond when I do that, she has to tell me herself.”
“Maybe she’s doing that thing where she wants someone to reach out to her, but she’s too scared to ask.” Cedric looked over to Kenji, telepathically asking: are you sure about that one? “Yeah no, you’re right. It’s Beatrix we’re talking about here.” Kenji’s british accent stumbled over her name, as it always has. Seeing Cedric worry about his sister made Kenji frustrated, he can’t solve problems that have to do with Beatrix because of her stubbornness. A slight knock on the open door revealed Kenji’s dad, with slicked back blonde hair and a dark 5 o’clock shadow.
“You lads all set for lunch?”
“I’m not hungry.” Cedric spit out, Kenji’s muscles tightened.
“Well, your mother and I are going out for lunch with your sister. I assume you boys can make your own once your appetite comes back.” He stepped back to head down the stairs before facing them again. “I hope everything gets sorted, Ced.” Cedric rubbed his temples as the footsteps down the stairs echoed into the room.
“He’s trying to father me.”
“It’s not like it makes me any more comfortable than you.” Kenji sighed, trying to think of any possible way to make Cedric feel better. “How’s chocolate chip waffles sound for lunch?”
“Extra chocolate chips?”
“Extra chocolate chips.” Kenji smiled before the two of them rushed down to the kitchen, pulling the waffle maker from the cupboards. Once they noticed the van pull out from the driveway, Kenji turned on the radio to its highest setting. Cedric’s awkward and lanky dancing paired with off-pitch singing brought warmth to Kenji’s heart, who sang along in perfect pitch as he put the waffle mix together. To Kenji’s surprise, Cedric’s elbow wacked against the bag of flour. White powder filled the air, sticking to Cedric’s black jeans and Kenji’s dark green pullover. They stood in silence, Cedric’s large brown eyes widened and staring right into Kenji’s hazel deep-set eyes, before breaking out into laughter, hugging the flour even deeper into their clothes.
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