#cm gift exchange
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Flashback
Pairing: dad!Spencer Reid x gn!Reader
Summary: spencer discusses his thoughts around having kids with his spouse after putting their daughter Diana to bed.
Warnings: mentions of drug abuse/addiction, mentions of cannon typical violence, discussions of having kids(obviously), poor insecure Spencer 🥺🥺
A/N : this was written for the @cmgiftexchange!! I wrote this for @omgbigfluffwriting, I hope you enjoy it and that I did your prompt well!! Merry Christmas <33
wc: 1.7k
The sound of giggling filled the Reid household as you chased the mini-Reid through the kitchen and into the living area. When you finally caught Diana you slipped your hands under her arms and swung her up onto your hip with a cheer. When you both finally caught your breaths you made eye contact with your husband who had a scolding look on his face, but there was still a smile twitching at lips at the scene he had just witnessed. “You know she has to be in bed in- 15 minutes!” Spencer paused and looked down at his watch to emphasize his point about how close it was to Diana's bed time. You just sighed dramatically and addressed your daughter “Well, I think your dads right- we gotta get you to bed- it's a school night!”.
After much kid wrangling and only one bedtime story bribe, Diana was sound asleep and safe- leaving you and your husband for some alone time together. After so many years of being together, you and Spencer dont find there's a need to fill the silence you're often draped in.
But that night the silence got Spencer thinking. Thinking about you, thinking about Diana, thinking about the life he's built for himself. If he was being honest with himself he never thought he would be here. A spouse and a child, a house. It was more than 23 years old Dr. Spencer Reid, new BAU agent could have possibly imagined. A spouse, let alone a child.
Those thoughts were even more discouraged when he was kidnapped by Tobias Hankle. Spencer considered that one of his lowest points, he had been tortured and drugged- how could it not be. That's not even to mention the addiction that followed. He was in pieces, mentally and physically. Even after he got clean, Spencer often told himself that he wasn't worthy of children. That he would be worse than his own dad. And without you there to reassure him as you often did after you met, these beliefs solidified in his mind.
“Y/n?” You looked over at Spencer from where you were lying across from him on the couch. Your questioning look was enough of an answer for Spencer so he continued, “did you always want kids? I used to think I didn't deserve kids”. You gave Spencer a look of pity, you hated when he had thoughts at his own expense. And he knew that. But Spencer couldn't help himself.
“First of all, Diana loves you and you're the best father for her- full stop. Second of all, I always wanted kids, I think you did too”. Spencer nodded, he had always wanted kids- it was his mind that told him not to.
“I didn't really start believing that kids were a possibility when I met you”. Spencer smiled warmly when he spoke, his eidetic memory not failing to remember any details from when you first met.
——
Spencer was sat his car that he rarely drove, going to the supermarket, which he rarely did. But it wasn't often that he spiraled into a depressive episode after seeing his girlfriend murdered in front of him, so he thought a change of pace might do him some good. Or more like penelope garcia thought it would do him some goo
That’s how he ended up strolling through the public park on a Tuesday afternoon in april. It was sunny and warm, a stark contrast to the sunken purple bags under Spencer's eyes and the wrinkly shirt that probably should’ve been washed before leaving the house.
But you- in spencers eyes you were a beauty unto yourself, regardless of what you were wearing. That was one thing that hadn’t changed since he met you, and he swore never would.
To be honest, it was by luck that Spencer had run into you; you were with your nephew as babysitter for the day when he started bothering spencer. Needless to say you were very apologetic.
“Tom, no! leave that man alone! i'm so sorry sir, he doesn't mean it”
You were extremely apologetic, ushering your nephew away from the stranger. Spencer was flustered but understanding, red evident on his cheeks.
Skip to a few hours later and Spencer had spent the entire time with you. It was the best Spencer had felt in weeks, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
That night he couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened; walking around with you, talking with you, meeting your nephew and sister. Spending time with your nephew, it got him thinking. Spencer had tucked away the idea of having kids far into a little nook into his mind, and spending time with Tom dredged it up from the depths of his brain.
Despite still reeling with the death of his girlfriend, Spencer still couldn't get the thought of having kids and being a dad out of his head. It nagged at him all the time, and the thoughts got loud when he was with you. Picturing you as a parent during your coffee dates.
Although Spencer Reid has an IQ of 187, and an eidetic memory, it still took him weeks to realize why he couldn’t get the thought of children out of his head; because he wanted to be a dad. He wanted to care for someone, knowing that they rely on him.
——
“Spencer? Spence?”
Spencer is pulled from his thoughts of when the couple first met by your soft voice. You had a small look of concern on your face at your husband's lack of awareness of the current reality. Spencer hummed in response to ease your worries. “What's got you with that Spencer Reid Far Off Look ™ in your eyes huh?” you asked. Spencer chuckles, and responds, “Just thinking about when we first met… after Maeve died- it's what got me thinking about having kids you know-”. it's your turn to chuckle now, remembering the embarrassment of having to usher away your nephew. Though your eyes held a sympathetic look at the mention of maeve, it would always be a bit of a sensitive subject.
“Ya, we have tom to thank for that. But I didn't know that's when you started thinking of kids- I thought it was later, when you first talked to me about it”.
——
It was 1:03 am, and Spencer was still awake, to be fair he had just gotten back from a bad case. It was always bad when it involved kids, Spencer couldn't get the face of the little girl they couldn't save in time out of his head. Thoughts raced through his head, but he would never tell you about them- after all you had only been together for a couple months. Spencer couldn't risk being that vulnerable with you.
So here he was, tossing and turning at one am over a case he couldn't get out of his head- trying not to wake up the sleeping figure beside him. He couldn't stop thinking about if that little girl had been his little girl. What would he do then? Spencer didn’t know if he could handle having another human rely on him so heavily- what if he let them down. What if he became like his own father, something he swore he would never do.
In all of Spencer's spiraling thoughts he hadn’t noticed that you had woken up from the constant shifting of the bed, which was caused by his incessant tossing and turning in bed. You noticed the look in Spencer's eyes was one you knew well, it was a look that said the gears were turning a little too fast in that big beautiful brain of his.
But before you could say anything, Spencer got to it first. “Would I- would I be a good dad?” You were caught off guard by Spencer's question, not expecting him to bring that up. But you could tell Spencer had been thinking about it for a while, if the worry crease between his eyebrows was anything to go by.
“I think you’d be a great dad spence- your kind, your caring, you have an amazing compacité to be there for other people, i think especially if it was your kid..”
You speak in a quiet, comforting tone in order to release at least some of the anxiety your boyfriend is harboring. In an effort to punctuate your point you give Spencer a small squeeze on the arm, hoping it would provide at least a little bit of comfort.
Spencer offered a nod in response not quite knowing what to say to his partner's kindness. Instead of speaking Spencer just rolled from the other side of the bed into your warm embrace, which contrasted the cool breeze from the open window.
——
Spencer comes back from his thoughts by the sound of small feet pitter pattering on the hardwood floors. you don't comment on your husband's spacey-ness that evening, instead opting to sit up and find the source of the sound.
Which you find out to be the small feet of Diana Reid, who had woken up from a bad dream and sought out the comfort of her parents. Her small frame struggled to climb onto the large bed, so Spencer lifted her up by her armpits and placed her between him and you.
“Cant sleep?”
You ask though the dark, soothingly running your fingers through her curly hair.
“ya.. i had a bad dream and couldn’t fall back asleep”
Her voice is small, the six year old still a bit embarrassed at needing to sleep in her parents bedroom, but Spencer's calming hand running up and down her back helped ease some of the embarrassment and helped her sink into her loving parents arms.
“That’s okay, you can always sleep in here with us if you want”
Spencer says as he kisses Diana's head, and the little girl is already falling asleep in the couple's arms. Both Spencer and you look down at your daughter, now fast asleep in between you, and it puts a smile on your faces. And you can't help but lean over and place a haste kiss on spencers lips and say;
“You know I told you you’d be a good dad”
you had a bit of a sly smirk on your face as Spencer chuckled, and he responded “I guess you were right huh”. And that's how the Reid family fell asleep, contented in each other's arms.
The End
#criminal minds#spencer reid#bau#cute#bau team#fluff#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x male reader#spencer reid x gn!reader#spencer reid x fem reader#criminal minds fanfic#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid fan fiction#dad!spencer#dad!spencer reid#Criminal minds gift exchange#cm gift exchange#holiday event#christmas 2023#cm gift exchange 2023
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‘I’ve got you. It’ll be okay.’
Hi!! I was part of the @cmgiftexchange !! This is my gift for @holybranches!! In the brief I got it said you love hurt/comfort, emphasis on the comfort, so I hope you like this!! Happy holidays!!
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Temily and Garvez
For @gaelic-symphony for the 2023 @cmgiftexchange
Happy Holidays to you, my friend xx
Emily and Tara. They're both mature people. Their date would be fun and sophisticated and full of innuendo laced flirting.
Penelope and Luke, on the other hand.......
#fanart#cm gift exchange#happy holidays#criminal minds#emily prentiss#tara lewis#penelope garcia#luke deserves better than garcia#luke alvez#garvez#temily
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Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Criminal Minds (US TV), Criminal Minds: Evolution (TV)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Tara Lewis/Rebecca Wilson
Characters: Tara Lewis, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Emily Prentiss
Additional Tags: BAU girls' night, Gift Fic, CMGiftExchange23, Fluff, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence
Summary:
At a long overdue BAU Girl's Night, Tara asks for dating advice from JJ and Emily.
[This was written as part of the CM Gift Exchange]
A/N: Written for @unitchiefs-blackbirdphoenix for the @cmgiftexchange
Happy holidays, Alyssa! I was so excited to be paired with you this year. I loved your ideas and tried to incorporate a little bit of everything you requested. I hope you enjoy <3
#criminal minds#emily prentiss#jennifer jareau#tara lewis#jemily#rebecca wilson#tebecca#cm fanfiction#my writing#cm gift exchange#je t'emily twin
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for @birdclowns for the @cmgiftexchange
You wanted to see how Hotch was coping after Haley's death, plus some HotchReid comfort, familial Rossi comfort, and general team as family comfort. I hope this ticks all your boxes!!
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of all of this <3
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I miss drawing Jemily so much please give me some holiday drawing ideas to work on this week
#I have my cm gift exchange assignment half sketched out#but aside from that I’ve done nothing in over a month help#text
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for @justiceforralvez, for the 2022 @cmgiftexchange 💕
prompts: ralvez, hurt/comfort, fluff, autistic spencer reid
---
in this world it's just us
one
The first time Luke sees it happen, he’s only recently joined the team. He doesn’t know Spencer very well yet, doesn’t know about his quirks and oddities, aside from no handshakes. They aren’t close yet. They aren’t together yet. The first time it happens, Luke isn’t quite sure what to do.
They’re at an unfamiliar precinct and the local LEOs are being insufferable, the weather is hot and muggy, and they’ve been working hard for hours with absolutely no leads. Spencer has been switching his time between geographical profiles and ciphers, and neither are leading to any satisfying headway. He starts to become overwhelmed with the entire situation, and though he can feel his throat growing tight, he ignores the sensation until it’s too late. As if there were anything he could have done about it anyway.
“Hey, you okay?” Luke asks, entering the room where Spencer’s sitting cross-legged on the table staring at a whiteboard and taking in his distressed face. “You look upset.”
Spencer opens his mouth but no words come out. Frustrated, he shakes his head and looks away. Then he signs, “Can’t speak,” but Luke doesn’t understand right away.
“I, uh, don’t speak sign language,” he says apologetically. “Are you—can you not talk?”
Spencer nods and stares down at his lap.
“Okay, hey, it’s okay,” Luke says comfortingly. “What can I do to help?”
Spencer shrugs and grabs a piece of paper and a pen.
Leave me alone for now, he writes. Please I’m sorry. I’ll explain later.
“You want me to put a sign on the door so no one else comes in?” Luke asks, reaching for the pen and paper. Spencer nods gratefully. Luke writes, Please do not disturb and grabs a piece of tape, jumping up and sticking the paper to the door of the conference room. “I’ll come check on you later, okay?” he says, and Spencer just nods.
two
That evening Spencer continues to communicate by writing notes, but the rest of the team doesn’t seem fazed. Luke wonders if this happens often, if they’re just used to this. He wonders if Spencer is used to this, if he ever could get used to this. More than anything, he seems embarrassed, and Luke hates to see him that way. He wants to do something, anything, to make it better.
They don’t really discuss it until months later, when they’re just beginning their relationship. They’re over at Spencer’s, watching documentaries on the couch, and Spencer has seemed tense all evening. All of a sudden, Spencer mutes the show and turns to glance at Luke.
“There’s something I feel like I should tell you,” he says. “You probably already know, but I’d rather it just be out in the open.”
“Okay,” Luke says easily. “You can tell me anything.”
“I’m autistic,” Spencer says. “That’s why I struggle with some things more than most people, and why I sometimes disappear on cases, and why I occasionally can’t speak. It’s all connected. The rest of the team knows, I’m pretty sure, though we’ve never really talked about it. Gideon knew, and I think he told them. But I wanted you to know, and I wanted you to hear it from me.”
Luke is quiet for a moment. “Thank you for telling me,” he says before it becomes awkward. “Thank you for trusting me with that information. When did you learn sign language?”
“When I was a kid. My mom and I both learned once she realized I went through periods where I couldn’t speak. She wanted to be sure we could always communicate with each other. We took classes together starting when I was five.”
“That’s amazing. Your mom is amazing.” He pauses. “Are you feeling okay about having told me all of this?”
“I think so. Just, please don’t treat me differently,” Spencer begs in a small voice. “Somes people talk to me differently, or treat me like a baby, and I’m not, I’m not any different, I’m just—it just is what it is. That’s the real reason I’ve never outright told the team. I don’t want them to treat me differently.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” Luke promises. “You’re still you. You’re still Spencer. I just have a little bit more information, that’s all. You don’t have to be, like, ashamed or anything.”
“I’m not ashamed of being autistic,” Spencer clarifies. “I just don’t like telling people.”
“That’s valid,” Luke says. “I promise this doesn’t change anything between us.”
Spencer looks relaxed for the first time all night. “Thank you,” he says. “That means a lot to me.”
Luke is telling the truth; nothing changes between them. He uses the information to understand why Spencer does some of the things he does, and it makes a lot of things make more sense to him. But he doesn’t act like Spencer is someone who needs special treatment, he doesn’t handle him with kid gloves. He’s just Spencer, Luke’s boyfriend, and that’s that.
The next time Spencer loses his voice in public, Luke makes sure to have a pen and paper handy, and though Spencer’s handwriting is shaky and unsure, he manages to communicate what he needs to with Luke, occasionally supplementing with signs that Luke doesn’t really understand, though he tries to remember the basic ones. It breaks Luke’s heart to know there isn’t more he can do to help.
three
Luke and Spencer have been together for two years, and Luke is acting strange, and he has been for months now, a year even, and Spencer doesn’t know what to do. As far as he can tell, nothing has really changed between them—they haven’t been fighting, they haven’t had any sort of falling out or miscommunication. Everything seems perfectly normal except for one thing.
Every Thursday night when they’re not on a case, Luke disappears, and he won’t tell Spencer where he’s going.
He doesn’t straight up refuse to tell Spencer, but when he leaves and Spencer asks where he’s going, he can tell that Luke is lying.
“Oh, I have a meeting with someone,” he’ll say vaguely, or “Oh, I have to go work out,” but then he won’t bring his workout clothes with him. For a profiler, he’s a very bad liar, and it makes Spencer nervous. He doesn’t understand why Luke won’t just tell him the truth about where he’s going. He doesn’t think Luke would cheat on him, but this behavior has him on edge, and he really doesn’t know what to think.
He doesn’t say anything for a long time. He stops asking Luke where he’s headed, resigning himself to the fact that Luke is his own person and Spencer doesn’t need to keep tabs on him every second. He contemplates asking Garcia to ping his cell phone’s location, but he doesn’t want to be that kind of boyfriend. So instead, he keeps it bottled up, keeps it to himself, and waits to explode.
One Thursday, Luke gets home from wherever he’s been, and Spencer has locked himself in the bedroom and won’t come out. He knows he’s being petty and ridiculous, but he also doesn’t feel like he can trust Luke anymore, and he’s so agitated he’s lost the ability to speak completely.
Luke calls for him, banging on the door, begging for him to open it, but Spencer just can’t. He slides a note under the door that says, Not now, and Luke sighs and sits down on the other side of the door.
“Are you mad at me, Spence?” he asks, and Spencer wonders if he actually expects a reply.
Not now. He underlines where he wrote it the first time and pushes the paper back out.
“Please talk to me. Write to me. Whatever. Did I do something to upset you?”
I don’t want to talk about it.
“Please, cariño. Let me help you. Let me know what I did wrong.”
Spencer starts to write about how frustrated he is, about how Luke is lying to him, about how he doesn’t want to fight but he doesn’t understand why Luke doesn’t trust him anymore. Then he tears the paper up into pieces and begins to cry. When he can’t take it anymore, he opens up the door and looks at Luke.
“I hate this,” he signs. “You’re lying to me about where you go on Thursday nights. You don’t trust me, or you’re keeping something from me. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I don’t know what to do. I’m so mad at you and I don’t know what to do.”
Luke stares at him with wide eyes, a look of devastation crossing his face.
“I’m so sorry,” he gasps. “I didn’t know you felt that way. I trust you. You’re not doing anything wrong. I’m so sorry.”
Spencer gapes at him.
“I’m sorry,” Luke signs. “I’ve been taking classes. Learning ASL so I could understand you when you can’t speak. I should have told you.”
Spencer is overwhelmed with emotion and doesn’t know what to do. He can feel the tears falling down his cheeks, and they’re wet and slippery, and the sensation against his hot skin is awful. He wants to tell Luke, “I’m sorry, I forgive you, please help me,” but his brain won’t let him properly process those thoughts, so instead he just stands there and stares.
“Thank you,” he finally signs, and then drops to the floor and wraps his arms around his legs, resting his forehead on his knees. He rocks back and forth, trying to self-regulate, and Luke knows not to try to touch him, not right now. The doorway is silent as Spencer rocks and Luke watches helplessly.
Eventually, after what feels like hours but is probably more like 20 minutes, Spencer lifts his head and looks at Luke, his thoughts finally settling, though he still can’t speak.
“You did that for me?” he signs.
“Of course I did,” Luke replies. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
Luke stands up and helps Spencer up, and then Luke puts Spencer to bed, tucking him in carefully and placing a cup of water next to his side of the bed.
“Sweet dreams,” he says. “We’ll talk more tomorrow.”
four
When Luke wakes up, Spencer isn’t in bed next to him. He gets up and grabs his hoodie, zipping it up as he steps out into the kitchen, where Spencer has prepared a feast. The counter is piled high with pancakes, eggs, bacon, and fruit.
“What’s this?” he asks, and Spencer, who is facing away from him, jumps in surprise and spins around.
“I made you breakfast,” he says. “I was going to bring it to you in bed.”
“Why did you make me breakfast?”
Spencer stares at him. “Because I love you? And because you learned sign language for me? And because I feel bad for assuming you were doing something nefarious behind my back?”
“Nefarious?” Luke raises an eyebrow.
“I don’t know what I thought,” Spencer sighs. “I know you wouldn’t cheat on me. I know you wouldn’t do anything terrible. But I just didn’t know where you were going, and you wouldn’t tell me, and it made me a little bit crazy. I’m sorry I’m like this.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Spencer,” Luke says. “I should have told you. I know you don’t really like surprises, I don’t know why I decided I needed to surprise you with this. I should have just been honest from the beginning. I’m sorry I put you through that.”
“You have no reason to apologize. You did something so nice for me, and I need you to know how much it means to me. Thank you, Luke.”
“You’re welcome. But it’s no big deal. I just love you, you know? And I wanted to be able to communicate with you all the time. Just like your mom did.”
Spencer wipes his hand across his face, and Luke realizes that he’s crying.
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” he says with a sniff. “God, my mom is going to love you when she hears about this.”
“Your mom already loves me,” Luke points out.
“She’s going to love you even more.”
Luke steps around the counter and wraps his arms around Spencer.
five
It’s a busy day in the office—the team is working out of Quantico on a local case, so though they’re at home, the stakes are high and everyone is exhausted and overworked. It’s been three days and Spencer hasn’t slept at all in that time. He knows everyone can tell he’s running on fumes, but at least they’re polite enough not to say anything about it.
There’s a fly in the room, and it’s buzzing around his head, occasionally getting close to his ear, and he can’t stand it. The sound makes him so uncomfortable, and he starts to feel itchy all over, almost as if he can feel the fly walking across his skin.
The fluorescent light is flickering slightly and buzzing almost as loudly as the fly, and Spencer is completely overwhelmed by everything, he feels like he’s floating, he can feel his throat tightening…
JJ comes into the room with a stack of files and she starts talking loudly and quickly and Spencer can’t even process what she’s saying, can’t track the words or make any sort of sense out of them, and he’s frustrated and embarrassed, and he can’t say a word, and he doesn’t know what to do. JJ stares at him, clearly having asked him a question, and he can’t answer her, and he feels like he’s about two inches tall, and he’s contemplating crawling under the table when Luke walks into the room.
Hands flying, Spencer frantically explains that he’s overwhelmed and he doesn’t know what JJ wants and he’s about to lose it. Then he hunches over with his face in his hands, humiliated.
“Jayj,” he hears Luke say. “Spence is really struggling right now. I think it would be best if i take him home to get some rest. Can you let Emily know?”
“Yeah, of course,” JJ says. “Since when do you understand sign language?”
“It’s a long story,” Luke says, but Spencer can hear the grin in his voice. “I’ll tell you all about it sometime, but not right now. We’ll see you later, okay?”
“Yeah, go, go, I’ll talk to Emily. Feel better, Spence. Luke, take care of him.”
“I will,” Luke promises, and he takes a step closer to Spencer, who’s finally looked up from his hands. He slides off the table and stands close to Luke. “You ready to go?” Luke asks.
Spencer nods and follows him out of the room.
six
When they get home, Spencer curls up on the couch and wraps a blanket around his shoulders.
“You wanna stay out here?” Luke asks. “Or I can tuck you into bed if you’d prefer. It’s darker in there.”
“The light in here is okay,” signs Spencer. “Rather be out here.”
Luke nods and brings Spencer a glass of water.
“Is there anything else you need?” he asks.
“Not right now. Going to lay down for a little while, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll just be around, so let me know if something comes up.”
Spencer rests for a couple of hours, and Luke manages to get some cleaning done and then listens to music while he tries to decide what to make for dinner.
“Are smells bothering you?” he asks Spencer, who isn’t asleep, just staring up at the ceiling. “I was thinking of starting dinner.”
“I think it’ll be okay,” Spencer signs. “Make whatever you want. I’ll probably just have noodles.”
Luke makes himself some food, confident he’s not bothering Spencer, and then makes Spencer a bowl of noodles, which he carries to the living room and sets on the coffee table.
“I thought we could eat together,” he says. “If you want.”
Spencer clears his throat. “I do,” he says hoarsely. “Thank you for making me dinner.”
“Of course,” Luke says. “Sounds like your voice is coming back?”
Spencer nods. “Luke, that was amazing.”
Luke is confused. “What was amazing? It seemed like you were having a pretty bad day, actually.”
“No, I was,” Spencer clarifies. “But the fact that I could be in that state and you could still understand me—we could communicate without having to write everything down—I could tell you what I needed and you could ask me questions—I haven’t had that since I was a little kid, with my mom. And it makes such a huge difference. Thank you so much.”
“It’s nothing,” Luke says bashfully. “But you’re right, it was great to be able to understand you and communicate with you. Makes things so much simpler.”
“Do you think we should tell the team about us?”
Luke looks at him, eyes wide. “Where did that come from?”
“JJ asked when you learned ASL. What were you planning to tell her? That you learned because your random coworker occasionally can’t talk at work? Maybe it’s time we just tell them the truth about us. We practically live together at this point anyway. They’re going to figure it out sooner or later.”
“Maybe it is time to tell them,” Luke says. “I’ve been nervous, but I’m not really sure why.”
“I’m almost positive they’ll be supportive.”
“Almost?”
“You can never be 100% certain how someone is going to react to news like that,” Spencer explains. “My gut tells me it’ll be fine, but I don’t want to be caught completely off guard if something goes wrong.”
“That’s fair. Well, maybe we should tell Emily first, and see how she reacts. Since she’ll be doing the extra paperwork. And then if that goes well, we could tell the team?”
“Good plan.”
seven
Luke and Spencer meet outside Emily’s office a few days later, and Spencer knocks hesitantly.
“Come in,” calls Emily, and they step inside. “Hey guys,” she says. “How can I help you?”
Spencer looks at Luke, who clears his throat awkwardly. “We’ve come to disclose our relationship,” he says, reaching for Spencer’s hand. Spencer takes his and gives it a squeeze.
“Your relationship?” Emily’s mouth hangs open. “How did I not see this coming?”
“I have no idea,” Spencer says. “I didn’t think we were being that subtle, though we were trying to be.”
“You did a good job,” Emily says. “I had absolutely no idea. How long have you guys been together?
“Two years,” says Luke, and Emily gapes again.
“Well, belated congratulations,” she says. “I’ll have to fill out some forms, but you guys should be good to go. Thank you for telling me.”
“Thank you for not freaking out,” Spencer says. “Really, thank you.”
Now that they’ve told Emily, it’s time to tell the team, and it turns out to be much more nerve wracking than Spencer expected. He just doesn’t know how his friends are going to react.
Luke gathers them into the conference room later that afternoon, so they can tell everyone at the same time, and Emily joins them even though she already knows. She gives Spencer an encouraging smile as he opens his mouth to speak.
“We have something we want to tell you,” he says. “And I’m sorry we didn’t tell you before, it’s just—”
“Oh my god, are you guys together?” squeals Penelope, a huge smile on her face. “I knew it!”
“How did you know?” Luke asks.
“Wait, she’s right?” JJ asks. Everyone starts talking at the same time, and Emily is the one to quiet them down.
“Let the boys speak,” she says loudly, and the room goes silent.
“Luke and I are a couple,” Spencer says. “We’ve been together for two years. Sorry we didn’t tell you sooner.”
The whole group starts talking at the same time again, and Spencer just looks at Luke and shrugs.
“We did our part, right?” he asks.
“Yeah, we’re good,” Luke replies.
He takes Spencer by the hand and they walk out of the room.
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CM Office Party Fics 🎉
Hey everyone! Thank you so much to everyone who participated. I am so happy to share everyone’s hard work. If you have a oneshot or masterlist you’d like me to add, please send me a message - new additions are always welcome.
SFW Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader
Inexperienced by me: Virgin!Reader has a secret no one expected, least of all Spencer. She’s a virgin… in every way.
Dancing with the Doctor by @smalltownbeautyqueen: After hearing the BAU's prom stories, Garcia decides to throw her own BAU prom.
Gift Exchange by @ssahopelessly: It’s time for the Secret Santa gift exchange at the BAU.
Secret Santa by @c-m-stuff: Reader and Spencer are together for Secret Santa.
Better for You by @incognit0slut: Spencer spends the change of year with a new resolution as he starts looking at his rival differently.
Clue by @pathologicalreid: A fic in which Penelope hosts a NYE party with a murder mystery theme.
Mistletoe's for Two by @andiebeaword: At the annual Christmas party, Spencer gets caught under the mistletoe by the woman he didn’t want to kiss.
More ratings and pairings below!
NSFW (18+) Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader
Prom Night by @foxy-eva: After everyone shared their sad (or non-existent) prom stories, Penelope decided to host a BAU Prom, giving Spencer the perfect excuse to finally ask out Reader.
Funhouse Mirror by me: SSA Reader promised Spencer he’d be surprised by her costume of the Doctor for the Halloween Party. He definitely was.
Kiss ’n Tell by me: Reader gets drunk on a night out with the girls and accidentally mimics her boyfriend’s habit of oversharing.
Unhappy Holidays by @reiderwriter: Reader runs into Spencer at holiday celebrations four years in a row, including this NYE.
Always Bet on Black by @reidmotif: Reader realizes she has an advantage at the Bureau's Casino Night, when Spencer can't seem to take his eyes off her and her dress.
Never Have I Ever by me: After a case involving kink culture, Spencer is assigned to judge the girls’ game of Never Have I Ever. Later, him and Reader compare scores.
Other/Fem!Reader (SFW)
Somewhere I Belong by @0and0its0doctor0: (Hotch) Hotch has a little liquid courage and breaks the rules.
When Snorter Does the Unexpected by @alluring-andrayav: (Derek) It's Derek's birthday, and he receives an unexpected gift.
Other Pairings & Gen Fic (SFW)
All is Bright by @masterwords: (Hotchgan) After a long series of failed dates, Hotch and Morgan finally come to their senses thanks to some well-placed mistletoe.
Talk of the Town by @/masterwords: (Hotchgan) Hotch has an invite to a Christmas party at the White House and he's asking Derek to be his plus one.
October by @gaelic-symphony: (Temily) The couple spends Halloween together.
November by @/gaelic-symphony: (Temily) The couple spends Thanksgiving together.
So Just Keep Kissing Me Under the Mistletoe [AO3] by @starzzyeyed : (Hotchreid) Spencer's dreading the BAU's christmas party for many reasons; not least because it means spending time off duty with his boss.
Happy Hotch Day by @codename-mom: (Platonic) Penelope wants to cheer her boss up as he still suffers from what Foyet did to him. The team prepares a surprise for him.
It's a Piece of Cake by @/codename-mom: (Platonic) Jack is turning six and Penelope wants to do something for the occasion.
The Sweater Case by @/codename-mom: (Platonic) The FBI organizes a gala with all the agency directors in the country. Hotch doesn't want to go.
Happy Reading!
#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfiction#criminal minds#spencer reid smut#criminal minds smut#criminal minds challenge#criminal minds women#criminal minds fanfic#temily#hotchgan#hotchreid#heid#criminal minds gen fic#gen fic#cm writing challenge#fanfic rec#fic recs
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🏳️🌈 A long stitch notebook for a Secret Santa gift exchange at our local queer community space. 🏳️🌈
72 blank pages, 7x14 cm.
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Mile high Club ♡
Featuring 🌷: cm punk + female!reader
Warning ☁️: gentle sex, unprotected p in v, praises, thigh riding, 18+ Minors, please don’t interact. Thanks! ୨୧
Word count 🌷: 673
Scenario ☁️: CM punk decides to take his wife with him to WrestleMania, it’s only right that he thanks her in a special way.
⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂
The couple leisurely stretch and exchange tender morning kisses, savoring the tranquility of the early morning before the rush of the day begins. Wrestlemania is this weekend and though Phil can’t wrestle, he was excited that he’d be a commentator and he even had his own meet and greet.
Rolling their suitcases behind them, they stepped out into the cool morning air. As they made their way to the airport, Phil's voice was a steady reassurance, his words were a mix of excitement and affection. He was truly grateful to have his wife by his side after all these years.
As they rounded the corner towards the airport, a gleaming private jet awaited them, its polished exterior catching the hazy sunlight. Phil's wife's eyes widened in disbelief, her excitement palpable as she took in the sight, "Babe! Are…are you serious!?" she exclaimed, her voice tinged with disbelief.
Phil grinned, “All for you."
As they boarded the jet, the interior greeted them with luxurious comfort, plush leather seats beckoning them to sink in and relax. The ambiance was elegant yet cozy, with soft lighting creating an inviting atmosphere. Phil guided his wife towards a secluded area of the jet, a private nook designed just for them. Here, they found a cozy loveseat nestled against the window, offering breathtaking views. A small table held glasses of champagne, he picked up one while giving her the other.
“Cheers to a loving, beautiful, and supportive wife. I don’t know where I’d be without my backbone,”
The couple shared a warm kiss before the glasses clanked. As she peacefully sipped on her wine, she took in the scenery as the jet gracefully lifted off into the sky. Phil guided his wife onto his lap, as a flight attendant greeted the couple with a warm smile before presenting his wife with a bouquet of roses before leaving.
Graciously accepting the gift, she turned to face her husband, a tender smile spreading across her lips as she carefully maneuvered around his affected arm, mindful not to bump it. “Y’know you didn’t have to do all of this, right?" she murmured softly, wrapping her arm around his neck.
He shushed her gently, his lips finding hers in a tender kiss. As their tongues danced slowly and passionately against each other, she began to grind against his thigh. She began moaning into the kisses, making him pull away. He started kissing and biting her neck while his free arm guided her hips faster.
“Baby…” she breathed, her pussy throbbing as his thigh rubbed against it.
“Doin’ so good, beautiful.”
His constant praises sent her to her breaking point quicker than it should’ve, her legs began to tremble as she desperately rocked back and forth, “Good girl,” he praised, rubbing her back as she continued to ride out her orgasm.
Shakily hopping up, she noticed the wet spot on his pants. He chuckled, “It’s okay baby.”
He kept his eyes on her as she removed her panties as well as freeing his member from his jeans. As she slowly lowered herself onto him, she let out a loud moan, “Oh, fuck.”
Burying her face in his neck as she started to roll her hips, her moans were muffled as his grip tightened on her waist. As she passionately rode him, he whispered to her, “I love you.”
“Mmm, I love you more!!”
Groaning, he lifted his hips precisely and began to thrust deeply into her. His deep penetration was already causing an orgasmic effect on his wife, he wrapped himself around her as best as he could. It became too much for her to hold in as she shuddered. “I-I..” She squealed, trying to free herself from his tight embrace. Her orgasm instantly triggered him as his thrusts began to grow sloppy. As he emptied himself inside of her, she lifted up to see his cum leaking out of her.
“Guess you’re part of the mile high club now.” Phil laughed. This was definitely not the last time that they’ll ever do this.
⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂
Thanks for reading babe ☁️🌷
・❥ ・ @kumapassion @bloodripleygal @romanreignsbae @pittieprincess22 @cyberdejos2 @xoxoril3yyy @rwbypatootie @solefae @adoreesun @alyyaanna @shantinextdoor @zombiedixon89 @acknowledge-reigns
#wwe smut#wwe imagines#cm punk#cm punk smut#cm punk imagine#cm punk fanfic#phil brooks#cult of personality#drabble `♡´
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mc/reader student diasomnia is a dragon
mc/reader is a boy since it's a school for boys
Malleus Draconia
- both you and Malleus were surprised to find someone of the same "species" (because from my interpretation there are several sets of fae)
- Malleus will feel a set of feelings, he wants to respect your space at the same time as he wants to get close, but since you seem calm and don't feel intimidated, he will eventually choose the last option
- it's almost a relief to meet a fae dragon so calm and kind, in his homeland they are all so competitive and noisy
- Malleus is scary, you are scary, you are the scary duo
- small detail, Malleus is even bigger, about 2/4 cm
- if things turn into something romantic, they're exchanging jewels and if you're from a faraway region, Malleus will ask and happily listen to you talk about the treasure you gave him
- hugs will be very common because yes!
Lilia Vanrouge
- I wouldn't be surprised at all
- let's face it, this guy has seen it all
- will find it cute that you are quiet/calm
- you feel that he is someone you can trust, so you will ask for advice, which will surprise you a little but he will help anyway
- if it evolves into a relationship, get ready to fly and travel with him
Silver
- respect, that's all
- only started talking because of a school project
- you don't mind him sleeping in the middle of something, even find a suitable place for him and Silver will be very grateful
- you would try to do something for him to have more energy like a coffee or buy an energy drink, it works but not for long
- in winter times, they would light the fireplace with their own flames and relax there, even read a book
- if it's a romantic relationship, he loves lying on top of you, your body is warm and soft, a great bed and he would love how you would pamper him because he deserves it
Sebek Zigvolt
- this is a huge unknown for me, sorry
- I think I would respect you but you couldn't get close to Malleus
- his strength and dedication are commendable to him
- you would hate your screaming and would definitely tell you to shut up but in a classy way
- the only form of relationship I can think of is "people who seem to have been married for 30 years" lol, anyway, both would do their best to make each other happy
- he wholeheartedly accepts your courtship gifts
#twisted wonderland#disney twisted wonderland#malleus draconia#twst silver#sebek zigvolt#twst lilia#twst malleus#twst wonderland#twst x reader#twst x male reader
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hi! i read your yujin post and i LOVED IT and it kinda inspired this idea/request
male reader and ricky have been close friends for a long time. reader was always the sociable one who dotes on ricky all the time while ricky was always quiet and more intimidating one. one time reader gets sick and expects to take care of himself but to his surprise ricky comes over to take care of him (maybe because ricky was always in love with male reader?🫢)
you can adjust or even skip this one if you want😅
Tall & Handsome & will take care of you~
pairing: ricky x reader
genre: highschool au (same verse as shy, shy, shy fic), fluff, romantic tropes
tw/tags: long time friends meet again, banter, yunseo cameo, slightly jealous lovelicky, swearing, kisses, dog mafia as protect yujin’s eyes squad, sickness (not serious), hand massages, squishmallow gift, ricky is taller than you for plot purposes
wc: 1905
summary: you’ve known ricky for a long time but he still manages to surprise you.
a/n hi anon! thanks for requesting this, i really had fun with the ricky/reader dynamic and since you loved the yujin request so much, it only made sense for me to set it in the same universe. For those who read shy, shy, shy~ I left a little easter egg that will definitely tie up to the part two of that fic that was requested by another lovely anon so keep an eye out for it!
Check my pinned for more fics~
part 2
As the class vice president, you were tasked to assist Park Gunwook, your class president, in greeting and orienting the new students. When the teacher ushered them in, the first one you saw was a tall, unfairly attractive brunette boy. You and Gunwook exchanged glances. How the fuck could someone be that good-looking?
The first new student who introduced himself as Kim Gyuvin also looked vaguely terrified of Gunwook who decided to spend the summer bulking up. Discreetly, you rolled your eyes. Sooner or later, he’ll find out that the intimidating impression was a front and Gunwook was nothing but a big baby that whined at you to get out of class president duties he disliked.
Your attention is directed to the other new student who walks in, blond hair expertly parted, silver necklace and earrings gleaming. He’s also tall, unfairly attractive and worst of all, you knew that face.
“Ricky?” You sputtered out.
You’ve known each other since he was a scrawny kid with a mouth full of braces. While you kept in contact when he had moved overseas, he never mentioned anything about moving back and more importantly, transferring to your school.
The teacher, Gunwook and Gyuvin all freeze as you throw your arms around your long-time friend.
“Why didn’t you tell me, you little shit?” You hissed into his ear while you tried to squeeze the life out of him with your hug. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”
“He’s an old friend.” You tell the teacher enthusiastically after you’ve released him and let him introduce himself to your dumbfounded companions. “We’ve known each other since we were kids.”
Only now, he’s tall, blond and stupidly handsome, you think. You really need to get yourself together.
After getting over the shock of that is Ricky, you’re your usual bright, chipper class vice president self, showing him and Gyuvin where they’ll be sitting, what the class schedule is like and including little tips about each class. They draw quite a few stares, most likely for both being over 180 cm and looking like models.
Still, you get through the day with Gyuvin being less afraid of Gunwook despite the latter’s uncomfortable staring which you’ll need to talk to him about later. Because no Gunwook, even if the new student looks like a damn prince, we don’t stare at him for that long. The class resident joker, Kum Junhyeon, seems to have taken a shine to Gyuvin which is good because he’s making friends but also bad for the chaos you see in your future.
Meanwhile, Ricky seems to be unbothered, settling in almost immediately. He looked so comfortable that you’d almost think he’s been in this class the whole time. You’re still most definitely ambushing him at lunch break. There’s going to be a lot of catching up to do.
__________________________________________
Three absolutely chaotic years later…
“Ricky!” You scold the blond while shoving another snack into Yujin’s hands. “Stop it, you’re scaring him.”
While his glaring dials down, it’s still obviously there and Yujin gulps before thanking you and hurrying back over to where his own class president is being doted on by Junhyeon, Gunwook and Gyuvin. You’ve taken to calling those three the dog mafia, their joint antics always go big but also a little clumsy.
Frowning, you walk over to Ricky who’s finally stopped glaring and swat him weakly.
“You scared away the baby. You know how excited I get whenever those three bring them over.”
Ricky has the audacity to look unfazed, reaching to take one of the snacks you’re holding.
“They were taking my snacks.” He stated simply.
“Excuse me mister, your snacks?”
“Yep.”
You give him a look and he stares back, shameless. Then a ridiculous thought pops into your head and you smack him playfully.
“Awwww, is little Lovelicky jealous?” You coo almost imitating the aegyo voice that Junhyeon likes to do.
“....Nope.” He answers without missing a beat. You pout, smacking him again.
“God, you’re no fun.”
You turn to the dog mafia and pause when you see that they’ve got their hands over Yujin and his friend’s eyes.
“Uh…what are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” Gyuvin fires back.
“We’re protecting our children from the horrific sight of our cool ice president and class vice prince flirting.” Junhyeon chimes in, scrambling words as per usual.
You sigh and look at Gunwook for help. He shrugs.
The chaos you see in your future indeed.
__________________________________________
“Ah, excuse me.”
You look up from packing your things. Gunwook’s already stepped out, the latest student officer meeting having wrapped up.
“Ah, Yunseo-ssi, what can I do for you?” You say, smiling at the other boy.
Ji Yunseo is the vice president of one of the other classes in your year. He’s also unfailingly nice and never a pain to work with which you can’t say is true for some other officers. Along with Gunwook, he’s always been supportive of the ideas you propose.
“Wahh we’ve been working together for three years, don’t you think it’s about time we speak casually?” He says, playfully thumping your arm.
You stifle a giggle as you finish placing everything in your bag and return his banter.
“Ah it’s because we’re colleagues, Yunseo-ssi, got to stay professional.”
Yunseo smiles at you, watching as you heave the bag over your shoulder.
“Let me carry that for you,” he offers.
You’re about to decline politely when the bag is lifted off your shoulders.
“I’ve got it.”
You turn just to see Ricky slinging the bag over his own shoulder like it weighs nothing. His expression is the usual impassive, almost holier-than-thou that he does particularly when Junhyeon and Gyuvin get up to their shenanigans.
“Ricky-ah, it’s okay, I can hold it.” You reach for the bag only for him to hold it out of your grasp. Huffing at him, you turn to Yunseo who’s smile seems a little less bright, eyes flicking between you and Ricky.
“What were you saying?” You ask him, still bright and chipper so not to dampen the mood like your best friend has.
“Ah nothing. I’ll see you at the next meeting.” The other boy says almost too politely before walking off.
You frown after him. “Weird.” You comment before turning back to the blond.
“I swear I can carry that by myself.”
“Nope.”
“Come on, give it here. Ya, stop holding it over my head like I can’t reach it.”
“...”
“Ugh, fine. God, you’re impossible.”
__________________________________________
In your defence, you didn’t think that a few late nights (a whole lot, more likely) would end up with you getting sick. Except you do. Get sick.
You wake up with your head pounding something fierce, your nose stuffy and an itchy throat. Picking up your phone, you send a quick text to Gunwook explaining your unfortunate situation. Making a mental note to check the cabinet for cold and flu medicine later, you pull the blanket over your head and pass the fuck out.
When you wake up again, someone’s running their fingers through your hair. Before you can make a guess, you smell his cologne, expensive yet comforting even with your stuffed up nose. With much effort, you slowly open your eyes to see a familiar blond head staring down on you with an oddly soft expression.
“...time is it?” You slur, almost missing the hand in your hair as he lifts it up to check his watch. Apparently you’ve slept almost the whole day away. You attempt to get up only for your body to drop back onto the mattress like a deadweight.
Ricky sighs. Suddenly there are hands propping you up gently. A glass of water and fever reducer tablet is given to you and he watches intently as you take it, snatching the tablet packet and glass out of your hands before you can attempt to reach and place it on the bedside table.
“I brought your notes.” He said, gesturing to the stack on your desk. “Gunwook made copies of his, I’ll come back tomorrow and until you get better.”
“Wahh, you don’t need to spoil me, Ricky-ah.” You scold half-heartedly. He doesn’t try to dignify you with a response.
“You should get more sleep.” He says instead. And he stays till you fall asleep.
Over the next few days, you find out that Ricky is, in fact, not joking when he said until you get better. He’s at your home after class everyday without fail, bringing copies of Gunwook’s notes and maybe a few extra things that he insists are for the good of your health. While you didn’t know how a giant pink squishmallow would help you get better, you certainly weren’t complaining.
“Damn, even if I know they’ll probably make my headache worse, I kinda miss Gunwookie, Gyuvinie, even Junhyeonie.” You say offhandedly as Ricky massages your hand, claiming some sort of health reason that you didn’t even care to question.
“That’s exactly why I told them not to visit until you’re better.” Ricky comments as he presses his thumb up and down your palm in a motion that was quite soothing actually.
“Don’t lie to me Ricky-ah, you just want to keep me for yourself, no?” You joke.
The silence that follows is suddenly heavy as Ricky continues to keep his eyes on your hand. And then-
“And what if I do?”
Your mind goes blank for a second, watching his face, his expression not changing. He must be joking with you, right?
“Aigooo, does Lovelicky have a crush?” You shoot back weakly.
His fingers stop massaging your hand. He looks up. To anyone else, his expression would be the same but for you, there were certain tells, the slightest pink at the tips of his ears, the subtle way he swallows, the earnest hopefulness in his eyes when he says-
“Yes….”
“....I’ve always liked you.”
__________________________________________
Yujin is confused.
“So they weren’t dating before?” He asks Gyuvin, the older patting his cheek indulgently as they watch you hand feed Ricky snacks, stealing kisses in between bites.
“Nope. Our lovely vice president was oblivious as always and ice prince over there was too busy scaring away the competition to realise that he hadn't even popped the question.”
“But they’re dating now?” Yujin says right before Ricky catches you in a longer kiss, Gyuvin squawking and covering Yujin’s eyes.
“You really don’t need to keep doing that, hyung.” Yujin retorts once Gyuvin deems you two wholesome again. Nevermind that you’re halfway sitting on Ricky’s lap which the blond looks almost too happy about.
“But you’re A BABY.” Junhyeon chimes in dramatically after losing interest in the conversation between Gunwook and the president of Yujin’s class.
“Might be a good idea to ask your class president out before you end up like them, Yujin-ah.” Gyuvin sagely advises after following the younger’s gaze to said conversation.
Yujin’s nose wrinkles. “Ew hyung, we’re just friends.”
“Well friends can hang out too?” Gyuvin points out. “And- OHMY! GUYS!”
“THE CHILDREN!” Junhyeon screams helpfully.
Ricky looks up from where he’s been blowing a raspberry on your neck in retribution for you poking at his sides and shoots them a withering look. You giggle as he plants one last kiss before getting up to mess with Gyuvin.
It’s been an interesting year so far and you can’t wait to see where the rest of it takes you with Ricky on your side.
#boys planet#boys planet 999#boys planet fics#boys planet drabbles#boys planet x reader#boys planet mnet#zb1#zb1 x reader#zb1 imagines#zb1 scenarios#zerobaseone#zb1 ricky#boys planet ricky#kpop scenarios#kpop fluff#kpop fanfic#kpop fics#kpop imagines#kum junhyeon#kim gyuvin#park gunwook#dog mafia#han yujin#young and rich#tall and handsome#im charisma boss baby#ricky imnida#bp-zb1fics
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happy cm gift exchange, @ideeylic!
taglist: @endingsbeginnings @shadybagelsludgecolor @band-aids-cant-fix-this @spencers-renaissance @wannabemerida @nosowoso @moreidsdaughter @criminalmindsmoodrn @casparwrites @dr-charlie-eppes @jemily-in-paris @the-fandom-queen @thebluetint
#criminal minds#spencer reid#derek morgan#my edits#moreid#i guess we’re going with the same effect for the last gifs every time😃#hope you enjoy!
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I got back into CM this year and signed up for the gift exchange and oml I’m excited
HELL YES ANON!!!
This is going to be SO incredible!! If people haven't signed up yet go check out @cmgiftexchange for details!
Honestly, the last time our fandom had a gift exchange was around 2014/15 I think. I mean I'm sure there were others probably, but they were more niche to specific ships and not fandom-wide.
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something worth fighting for
Summary: Emily's ready to call it quits, Hotch and Morgan already have, and then a party at Rossi's changes everything.
Pairing: Hotch/Morgan
Words: ~7k
Warnings: hotch's ear injury (canon - 7x24 explosion), gunshot, vomiting, pain medication
Read on AO3: something worth fighting for
Notes: I humbly submit my work to the CM Holiday Gift Exchange (@cmgiftexchange), a gift for @hosseinis. I wrote almost 30k words for this exchange scattered between 4 different stories before this one became the keeper. I was incredibly fortunate to be matched to you, to be able to create a gift for you, but as happy as I was...it became almost impossible to decide among all the things I wanted to make for you! The other 3 stories were a lot darker, didn't feel much like holiday gifts, but they'll still be posted at some point probably soon because they were all solid stories. You inspired me to write a LOT of words this month my friend. Thank you for loving hotchgan and for being fun to talk to! Merry Crimbus! (Read under the cut or on AO3)
~~***~~~***~~***~~~***~~***~~~***~~***~~~***~~***~~~***~~
“Do you ever think about what might have happened if we had done for you what you and JJ did for me?”
Hotch frowned and laced his fingers together in his lap. His hands were cold in spite of them currently being in Georgia. The heat outside was well matched by the air conditioning blowing into the cabin of the jet. He would have preferred not to have it on but the team liked it chilly. They still had an hour before anyone would begin trickling onto the jet, but he’d been surprised to find Emily boarding early. Only about fifteen minutes behind him. She was normally one of the last, stretching the time to the very last moment. He’d been anticipating a nice long period of quiet, a head start on the pile of paperwork he had to complete to shut the door on this case. Not today.
It was his own fault. He’d invited her to come to him when she had a bad day, and those seemed to be coming harder and faster lately. He found her in his office, texting, even once at his door with an apologetic bottle of wine. That night ended up with her drinking the whole thing and him calling her a cab because she refused to sleep on his couch. She wouldn’t look him in the eye for two full days after that because she was worried they’d done something they shouldn’t have while he repeatedly assured her that he hadn’t had a drop of the wine and they’d remained respectable distances from one another the whole night.
“How so?” he asked, his voice a little breathless. She didn’t often bring his situation into the mix. No one ever really dared to talk about Haley, about Foyet, it was like a field full of buried unmarked landmines. They’d all more or less decided to pretend it never happened, everyone but Dave and Derek anyway. JJ had offered support once or twice but she didn’t ask questions, didn’t pry. It was easier for all of them to ignore it.
“If we had decided to fake your death, put you into WITSEC with Haley and Jack. Send you off to some boring old place where you could be a teacher or something. Do you ever wonder how that would have played out?”
“Why would I be a teacher?” he asked, a little offended by the implication that he was dull. She smiled warily.
“Fine, you could be something more exciting. A lion tamer in the circus. Anything you want. Do you ever wonder?”
“No,” he replied truthfully. Painfully. He couldn’t allow himself to wander down the path of what if, it hurt too much. Knowing that there were paths he could have taken that would have kept Haley alive was enough to bring him to his knees, the weight of it too much to bear. It wasn’t that he didn’t know it anyway, there were plenty of choices he had at one time that would have led to Jack not losing his mother. There were better outcomes, maybe, but there were also worse.
Emily hummed, a noise he was sure she had picked up right from him, spending too much time together. Especially lately, because she couldn’t talk to the team about any of this. Sure, she had JJ, but when she looked at JJ she only saw the pain she’d gone through and how hard it has been for her to mend what was broken...the rest of them were still grappling with it. How could she tell them she wasn’t happy? That she might want out? Hotch was the only one she thought could take it, or even worse, understand.
“Why?” He knew why, he’d known it for a while now, but it was still his job to ask. To get her to do the talking. She needed to open up and get something off of her chest. He hated to do this, to slip into his negotiator role, but it worked. It was for her benefit.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she started quietly. “I guess I’m having a hard time being myself again. I spent enough time being someone else so completely, coming to terms with Emily Prentiss dying...this is harder than I thought it would be. Living this life again. And I guess I wondered if you thought you would too. If we’d gotten Foyet and Haley lived, if you got your family back. Could you go from being Joe Schmo in the middle of nowhere...Utah or Wyoming or something...could you be Aaron Hotchner again? Could you just forget dying and pretend it never happened?”
“I would have to try,” he said rather matter-of-factly, but he knew it wasn’t so simple. “It would have been a very different circumstance, though. My situation and yours were not the same.”
“No, yeah, I know...I know…good people, innocent people still died because of me though. I can’t help thinking that I should have stayed dead to honor their sacrifices.”
“Emily.”
“No, don’t Emily me. Look, I tried to buy a house and put down roots. I called my mom and had dinner with her...but I can’t...I can’t fix this. Look at the trouble I’ve caused. I see Spencer still not sure he can trust you guys. I see what happened to you and Derek. I did that, Hotch. I did that.”
“No,” he replied sadly. His voice cracked before he finished his thought and he shook his head, waiting for it to come back. “I did that.”
“Not without my help,” she added timidly. “You two would probably have gotten married, adopted some babies, maybe. White picket fence, two car garage...you guys had it all and what you did for me…I guess I’m not sure it was worth it, in the end. Because look at me now. Look at me thriving.” That last part, as emotionally wrecked as she was, dripped in sarcasm. His chest ached.
“How can I help?”
She scoffed at him and rolled her eyes dramatically. She hadn’t let go of the sarcasm, it was her last line of defense, but her voice was shockingly vulnerable and sincere. It broke his heart. “Tell me it was worth it?”
“It was worth it.”
“You’re going to have to do better...come on. Don’t insult me. You were a Federal Prosecutor, you can lie better than that if you’re not going to tell me the truth.”
“You want the truth?” He glanced down at his watch to make sure they still had time. That he wouldn’t be in the middle of a vulnerable monologue when the team started boarding the jet. That was the last thing he needed. He had a few minutes to safely get it off of his chest. “There are aspects of what happened that I would go back and change if I could. Hindsight is a gift and a curse. But I wouldn’t take it all back. I would do it for you again in a heartbeat, even if it went exactly the same again. No matter the blow-back on me, protecting you was worth it.”
She blinked rapidly, tears clinging to the mascara she’d just put on. That wasn’t what she’d expected and she hated him a little for it. For the cruelty in his honesty. She couldn’t reciprocate that kind of shredded, gaping wound of vulnerability for him no matter how she wanted to. “You jerk.”
“I’m sorry,” he spoke quietly, reaching into his pocket and procuring a small square of silk with his initials stitched in delicate thread along the hem. He offered her the handkerchief without hesitation, waiting for her to make fun of him for it. For being so old fashioned that he carried an old hanky around with him. She didn’t, though, she just looked at him, blinked the tears from her lashes and dabbed at her under eyes with his pale silk gift. He was such a relic, she’d always thought, but a beautiful one. He wasn’t meant for this time. He wasn’t meant for many of the things he did. Everyone thought he was so tough, unbreakable, harsh and ruthless but she knew the truth: he was none of those things. He was certainly good at putting up his shields and playing the game, but he was one of the gentlest, softest most broken men she’d ever met in her life. She wanted to protect him with every last breath in her body, he was such a fool sometimes. But she couldn’t protect him, not from himself or anyone else.
“No,” she whispered finally, sniffling. “I’m sorry. I don’t...I need to suck it up, huh? Get on with it. Shit or get off the pot.”
“You don’t need to do anything you’re not ready for.”
“Says the guy that came back to work a month after getting stabbed nine times.”
He frowned and shrugged helplessly. “I didn’t know what else to do with myself. In retrospect, coming back so soon did more harm than good. I can’t go back, and I can’t wonder what might have been different had I...waited.” The way he said that last word made her squirm. Years later and he was still living with the crushing guilt, the lasting pain both physical and emotional. It struck her that this thing that had been burying her alive for a couple of months had been doing the same to him for years and it made her feel sick. He hadn’t healed he’d just hidden it beneath layers of life. It was mean of her, she knew it, but as she looked at him she knew...she didn’t want to become him, and that was exactly where she was headed if she didn’t get out now.
He’d given her all the answer she needed just by allowing her to see the truth of his existence. It was a cautionary tale.
“Thanks Hotch,” she said finally, knowing they had to wrap it up. He’d checked his watch twice since he opened up. The team were going to board soon and the last thing she wanted to do was be crying when they walked on. She wasn’t ready to tell them yet that she was thinking about leaving. She could see it in Hotch’s eyes, he knew. She didn’t have to say those words. The fact that she was thinking so hard about this was enough for both of them. “This is gross, by the way. There’s a reason Kleenex exists.”
“My grandmother made them for me.”
“That doesn’t make it better.”
“It’s clean,” he added a little defensively. “I do wash them.”
“Yeah. Sure. It’s all fine then.” She handed him back the wet silk and watched as he stuffed it into the pocket of his pants without thinking twice. “God. Do you have more of those on hand?”
“The clean ones are in my breast pocket, the soiled ones are in the pants pocket. I told you, I do wash them Emily.”
She scrunched up her nose in disgust. “You look good for ninety, you know that?”
He considered a reply, but decided it wasn’t worth it and settled for a long suffering sigh instead before turning back to his paperwork. His mind wasn’t in it anymore, now he could think only of one thing – Emily was going to leave. And probably soon. How would they survive that a second time?
(x)
The explosion that blew out the bank, crumbling concrete and shattering glass was unexpected. It rocked the ground beneath his feet as he dove behind the police car door, heart hammering in his chest so hard and so loud he thought it might actually break his ribs. Derek was in there. JJ was in there. Emily was in there. Dammit. He felt his ear pop, the sudden high-pitched screaming sound piercing his skull even after he covered his ears with shaking hands and squeezed his eyes shut. The pain was instant, the pressure behind his eyes building to a crescendo and for a whole ten seconds that felt like eternity he thought for sure his head was going to explode. There were tears in his eyes when he opened them again and he swiped at them with ash caked fingers, failing to notice for a moment the blood on his palm. His ear was bleeding.
Again.
He’d been on top of the PTSD, for the most part. Once the Bureau appointed therapist pointed it out to him and gave him some exercises to maintain his composure in situations he knew were going to be troubling to him, he’d been on top of it. “Mild,” she called it. When his palms got sweaty and his heart dropped into his stomach, when he felt sick and angry and vulnerable...it didn’t feel mild, but who was he to argue with her? She saw this kind of thing all the time. And he’d been close enough to explosions since that night in New York, had managed to work his way through them without incident, but now seeing the blood...being in the middle of the street...hearing sirens wailing and watching flames flicker...he wasn’t exactly right there again, it wasn’t a flashback, it was just that same sick feeling. Different but the same.
Except this time he had his whole team, and half a city’s worth of cops to look out for. He had civilians and hostages to worry about. The safety of hundreds of people rested on his shoulders and his fucking ear was bleeding down the side of his jaw. Will had been inside that building with the unsubs. He didn’t have time to walk himself through all of the steps as his stomach twisted in painful knots, as the bile rose in his throat. Not now, so he just stood up and shouldered his way through the reeling cops with one hand over his bleeding ear to keep the offending noise out of his head, at least a little. God it hurt.
“Dave!” He called, rushing toward his colleague. He was breathing through his nose, deep harsh breaths to stave off the nausea that was increasing in intensity. “Have you seen any of them?” He didn’t need to use names, Dave knew exactly who he meant.
“There,” Dave pointed at Derek and JJ on the ground with various members of the SWAT team they’d been charging in with. Emily had been ahead of them, she wasn’t in the group but she couldn’t have gotten far. He watched as Derek began to sit up, followed by JJ and then some of SWAT. They were all confused, coming to, but seemed okay. He turned to Dave, refusing to allow personal feelings to get their claws in. Not only did they have no place here right now, but he wasn’t welcome to them any longer. Derek was not his to care for in any way more significant than as colleagues, and as colleagues, what Derek really needed was for Hotch to take complete control of the chaos. Get them all out of this mess.
“Dave,” he began, setting his jaw and trying to regain his composure. His head was a grenade and the pin was barely holding on. Dave raised his hand and shook his head before Hotch had a chance to continue.
“You go get that ear looked at,” he said adamantly. “I’ll go find Erin and we’ll be waiting for you.”
Hotch wanted to argue that he was fine, but his the pressure in his head must have been visible to Dave because he wasn’t having any of it. “Okay,” he agreed. “I’m not sitting this one out, but I’ll go get cleaned up.”
“I’ll take it.”
(x)
Finding Derek in the alley, pinned against a dumpster with a man’s hands around his throat, Hotch didn’t even think. He wasn’t going to bother announcing himself, he wasn’t going to bother negotiating. This was one of those times where he simply couldn’t abide the protocols and procedures – this man allowed Will to be hurt, used him, put Henry in danger and was now trying to kill Derek. He had no trouble at all justifying the shot he was about to take.
And when Matthew Downs dropped at Derek’s feet, when the blood sprayed against Derek’s cheek and the dumpster and pooled on the ground, he felt no remorse. He simply stood with his gun still aimed, breathing heavily, his ear screaming louder than ever. He was going to be sick. That knowledge rumbled through him with the force of a freight train as his stomach twisted with the pain of the gun shot, but the look on Derek’s face, the look of pure gratitude and relief and maybe something else…it made him feel better as he dropped to his knees and dry heaved a few times. Derek hurried over to him and placed a hand between his shoulders, instinctively rubbing up and down over the vest. Even if Hotch couldn’t feel it, he knew Derek was there.
“Hotch?”
“I’m okay,” he gasped, glad that nothing was actually coming up. You have to eat in order to have anything to expel and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d had anything but coffee. Dinner the night before? Maybe? “Go. Find Will. I’ll be right behind you.”
Derek did as he was told without arguing, but took one last moment to glance back as he stepped out of the alley. He knew better than to go back, knew better than to ask what was wrong. He could do that later.
(x)
How Dave managed to put together a wedding on such short notice was beyond any of them, but Hotch knew better than most what money could do to trump time. Enough zeroes on a check and you could get anything (and anyone) you wanted. So, mere days after being shot and chained to a bomb, Will was ready to take JJ's hand in marriage and Hotch...well he was just trying to gather the courage to show up.
Jessica was smoothing his sweater over his shoulders and smiling at how soft he looked in it while he grumbled about every minute detail.
“You’re still not sure you should go,” she said, turning him toward her. He shrugged.
“I think everyone would have more fun if I didn’t go.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Considering what I put everyone through this past year…”
“Stop it. Right now, stop it.”
His shoulders slumped pitifully and she almost felt bad for snapping at him, but not quite. He deserved it. He could be so stupid sometimes she just couldn’t stand it.
“You didn’t do anything maliciously. You were trying to help, and sometimes that means getting it wrong...it isn’t as if you had all the time in the world to consider repercussions. You had to make a split second decision. Maybe it was right, maybe it was wrong, but Emily is alive and your team is intact and isn’t that what you were going for?”
“Not everyone is intact.”
“Derek’s going to come back. He loves you so much. He still does. You don’t wake up at the crack of dawn and show up to babysit a kid so his dad can go do some stupid triathlon if you don’t still care.”
“I didn’t tell him I’d asked Dave.”
“Of course. You assumed that breaking up meant that you had to find someone new to watch him, that’s reasonable. And he assumed that he’d made the commitment and he had to honor it. Also reasonable. Of course, if you two were better at communicating…”
“I know.”
“My point being, he still loves you. And Jack. I think he just needs time. You have plenty of time.”
He slumped down on the couch and put his head in his hands, breathing in deep. Once, twice. Filling his lungs, pausing, exhaling. His head hurt, hadn’t stopped hurting since the explosion. He had an MRI in the morning, an MRI he should have scheduled sooner but he thought it would go away. He hadn’t been as close to this explosion this time, it shouldn’t have been so bad, but then there was the gunshot and the noise from the scene and the pain in his head had been like a hot knife slicing through his brain like a Thanksgiving turkey ever since.
“How about you take one of your nuclear pills and I’ll be your designated driver?” Jess offered, crouching before him with her hands on his knees. “Come on. Take one and you might actually enjoy the wedding. You know I love crashing weddings.”
“You have a date tonight,” he countered miserably before lying back and throwing his arm over his eyes, resting his head against the cushion to try and take some of the pressure off. She huffed at him, that irritated little puffing noise she made that meant she thought he was a complete idiot without actually saying the words.
“I can reschedule. Anita will understand.”
“Anita? The nurse?”
Not just any nurse. The nurse who had cared for him when he was in the Urgent Care sick as a dog a few months back. The nurse whose sarcasm was biting and her smile was enchanting. The nurse with a head full of silver hair she claimed was due entirely to the stress of her job.
“That’s the one.”
“You got a date while I was sick? That’s low, even for you.”
“She’s pretty. And she said I was a saint for dealing with you. How can I resist such compliments?”
He groaned miserably. “I was sick.”
“You were. Very sick, really. But her point still stands. You’re a pain in the ass and I’ve been putting up with it for decades. I deserve to get a little something for my trouble once in a while.”
“Is she nice?”
“Very,” Jessica replied with a smile, her fingers scratching at his scalp mindlessly as she settled in on the couch beside him. He’d always liked his head being scratched but even more when it hurt. “She’s smart and charming and sweet, too. She has great taste in restaurants, but she drinks sweet white wine so I guess she’s not perfect.”
“Not many are.” His shoulders relaxed as she scraped her nails over his scalp. It didn’t exactly do anything to the pain itself but he found it easier to ignore, at least marginally. “You could bring her,” he offered quietly. “To the wedding. If you want.”
“I don’t think she’s ready to meet the whole family,” Jessica said with a smile.
“She’s already met me. Everyone else is easy.”
“Good point. I’ll ask her. Does that mean you’re going to take the meds like a good boy?”
“I don’t think I can go if I don’t.”
“Look at you, making good choices.”
He didn’t want to take the pill; it made him goofy. It made him feel lightheaded and dizzy, made him say things without thinking first. Made him cry over silly things, like Disney movies and finding crayons crunched in the couch cushions. The pill really didn’t do much except make him forget how bad his head hurt. Which he knew was ultimately the goal, but the tradeoff didn’t always seem worth it. He didn’t like the way it made him feel like a different person.
“Here,” Jess said, extending the pill and a glass of water to him after rummaging around through the medicine cabinet for a moment. He was always pushing it to the back like he was ashamed of it. “Anita said she’d love to come as long as there’s an open bar. I told her that David Rossi never skimps on the booze and do you know what she said?”
“She’s a big fan of his books,” he deadpanned and she let out a barking laugh that hurt his head.
“Exactly. Said she couldn’t believe I was just casually inviting her to David Rossi’s mansion for a wedding hours before the wedding and what was she going to wear.”
“She doesn’t need to worry,” he said quietly, sipping at the water. “She could come in scrubs if she wanted. No one would hold it against her.”
“Did you learn nothing from being married to Haley all those years?”
He hummed, admitting defeat. “I think the answer to that should be obvious.”
“Point taken. I’m going to go home and find a dress, you lay here and rest. Let that pill do it’s thing. We’ll be by to pick you guys up in an hour.”
(x)
The party was bigger than Hotch had imagined it would be on such short notice. More people milling around, many faces he recognized and some he didn’t. They were a little late, maybe it was fashionable, maybe it was rude, he couldn’t be trusted to tell the difference in his fuzzy state.
“Aaron,” Dave said, pulling him in for a hug. “How are you?”
Hotch never know how to answer that question truthfully, so he rarely did. “Good,” he replied, smiling. The smile wasn’t even forced, at least. But Dave knew anyway.
“Liar.”
“I’m okay, Dave.”
“You get that ear looked at?”
“I have an appointment in the morning for an MRI. It’s giving me some trouble but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“You keep me posted. In the meantime, why don’t you introduce me to your guests?”
Hotch smiled a little sheepishly and stepped out of the way to let Jessica and Anita be greeted by their host. Jack was standing beside Hotch, still in his shy phase even if he did know everyone here. “You know Haley’s sister Jessica,” Hotch said, waiting a moment before continuing. “And this is her date Anita.”
“Anita,” Dave said, kissing her hand with all of that charm he had at his disposal, holding nothing back. Hotch watched, blinking slowly, doing everything a little slowly. “How did the two of you meet?”
“She brought him to the Urgent Care with a pretty bad case of strep throat,” Anita replied casually. “By the time they left he had antibiotics and a doctor’s note to stay home from work and I had a pretty girl’s phone number.”
“I remember that, it’s hard to get him to miss any work,” Dave said, eyeing Hotch. “It’s been a couple of months now.”
Emily approached Hotch as Dave took Jessica and Anita by the arm, one on each side, to show them around the house and the party. To get them drinks and push them out on to the dance floor. He insisted that his live band not go to waste, and they still had some time to kill before the bride was ready to walk down the aisle. The look on her face was sad, unbearably so, and he knew he wasn’t up for the conversation she looked ready to have. Ready or not, he had to try.
“Do you want to talk?” he asked when she sighed more than spoke her hello. She looked distressed, sad, heartbroken really.
“No, not here,” she said quietly. “But soon. Tomorrow maybe. Okay?”
“Tomorrow,” he repeated. “I have an appointment early in the morning, we can meet for coffee afterward.”
“It’s a date,” she replied, forcing a smile. Derek watched the interaction from across the room, his drink in hand. He knew she was leaving, and he missed her already. It was crushing him, and he knew it would crush Hotch too. After everything they’d done, he felt for the man. His world had come crashing down when Emily died, but he knew Hotch’s hadn’t ever stopped. Everything just kept stacking up – from Emily’s death to her new life, Pakistan and Emily coming back and the Senate Hearing Committee, his team being scrutinized, the trip to Chicago for Derek’s cousin that was made more awkward by his family’s knowledge that the two of them had broken up. His aunt Yvonne had tried to push them back together and only made it worse for them in the end. And his mother...his mother was angry at him. “He didn’t lie to hurt you,” she’d scolded first by phone and then later in person, in Desiree’s hospital room of all places. “He lied to protect you. I seem to recall you pulling the same stunt on us, your family and we still love you.” But he still lied, and it was hard to put that trust back in place. It just wasn’t that easy. He was trying so damn hard.
Showing up and watching Jack for him so he could go do his race, showing up at 4am only to find Dave already there...it had been an olive branch opportunity, but he couldn’t do it when he saw Dave. Because that meant Hotch didn’t believe he would still honor his commitment, it meant Hotch really believed it was over. At least that’s what he told himself when he entered the apartment anyway, because how could he leave when Jack’s eyes lit up? When Jack hugged him and said he missed him? “I miss you too, kiddo,” he’d said and Dave asked him to stay, invited him to have some of the scrambled eggs he was cooking up while Hotch thanked them both and rushed out the door. It wouldn’t take both of them to watch Jack but he couldn’t leave the kid. It gave him an excuse to throw Jack up on his shoulders, to cheer Hotch on, and it surprised him when he called him baby as he approached the finish line. He detected amusement from Dave beside him but the rest of the team were so wrapped up in their own morning drama that they didn’t say a word.
He watched Hotch make his way through the party as he danced with Penelope, as he danced with Emily and even Reid. The music was upbeat and fun, easy for dancing and forgetting the weight of the last few days. The last few months. When he saw Will talking to Rossi, waiting for his bride, he couldn’t help being a little jealous even if he was happy for them. He thought it would be him next. He really thought he and Hotch had it all, too. Did Will care that JJ lied to him about Emily? Of course it wasn’t exactly the same, Will didn’t know Emily like that, he didn’t stick his hands in her blood, hold her while she waited for the ambulance, look into her eyes and watch the light fade. But he still didn’t know she’d lived. JJ kept it from him, too.
Finally Hotch, in his customary rounds, came to Derek near the drinks. “Hey,” Derek said, reaching out to catch him by the elbow like he was just going to walk by. He probably was. He’d almost gone out of his way to respect Derek’s request for space, gone so far overboard that it felt like he’d been the one dumped and not the other way around. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay,” Hotch replied quietly, barely audible over the DJ’s dance music. He was blaring something by ABBA that had Jessica and Anita out on the floor having a blast. “You?”
“Same.”
The conversation stalled predictably. They couldn’t talk to one another anymore. “Where are you sitting?” Derek asked casually. Hotch shrugged.
“Wherever Jack tells me we’re sitting I suppose.”
At that Derek smiled. “Well, we’d better find some seats huh? Looks like things are getting serious.”
As it ended up, the seats Jack chose put them right beside Derek and Penelope. Hotch’s knee bumped Derek’s as he took his seat and tried to make himself smaller so he didn’t block anyone’s view, so he didn’t take up too much space. Nothing ever had the kind of leg room he needed.
The wedding was fast, short and sweet, to the point. JJ looked beautiful and Will looked so happy Hotch could hardly stand it. He cried, not at all surprised by the display of emotion. He knew it was going to happen the minute he swallowed that damn pill. At least he wasn’t alone, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when he glance around. Not even Derek beside him could contain the tears in his eyes.
What he hadn’t expected was to find Derek’s hand circling his, dragging it into his lap and letting it rest there against his thigh. They didn’t look at each other, but that connection made Hotch’s heart nearly burst in his chest. He froze, staring straight ahead a little too intently, breath painfully tight and burning in his lungs. Derek squeezed his hand and his vision narrowed to pinpricks, splotches of color flashing over the scene.
When JJ and Will kissed, Derek squeezed his hand again and then let it go. They didn’t talk, Derek just got up and took Penelope to the dance floor at the invitation of the DJ, swaying along with her. Hotch watched from beside Jack and Henry as everyone made their way back out there.
“Hotch?” Emily asked, coming up beside him quietly. He hadn’t realized she wasn’t out there, but now her hand was extended to him with a sheepish smile. “You can’t sit this one out. It’s the law I think.”
“Sure I can,” he replied, but he took her hand and led her to the dance floor anyway, holding her gently as they settled into the foxy. She looked up at him with wide eyes and a grin.
“You actually know how to dance,” she said. “Of course you do. Why am I surprised that the guy who carries silk hankies can ballroom dance?”
“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, Emily.”
“Yeah...well...there are a lot of things you don’t know about me, too, y'know…”
That made him laugh, a light lead in to giving her a gentle twirl and a dip. Derek glanced at them as he swayed with Penelope.
“He’s really good,” Penelope whispered in Derek’s ear. “Did he ever take you dancing?”
Derek nodded, closing his eyes. “Yeah. He did.”
“You should go cut in. I saw what you did back there…”
“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.”
“What is it going to take?”
“I don’t know mama. I don’t know. I never broke up with someone I was still in love with before.”
“Is Emily leaving us?” The way she changed course made him stiffen up and she could hardly contain her emotion at that. She knew just by that alone. “She is. Why?”
“You’ll have to ask her yourself.”
And all at once she was dragging them across the dance floor, cutting in on Hotch and Emily’s dance. He wasn’t sure if it was calculated or not, but he thought it probably was. She was like that. She didn’t even ask before peeling Emily away from Hotch, before taking her hand and moving them away. Emily glanced at Hotch apologetically and shrugged, not bothering to fight back.
“Well,” Derek said quietly, extending his hand to Hotch. “You want to take me for a spin? It’s been a while, I’m a little rusty. I’ll try to keep up.”
“I’m sure you still have it,” Hotch said, taking Derek’s hand and pressing in close. Derek smelled good, sweet like cigar smoke and cinnamon and bourbon. He began leading, stepping in time with the music and wasn’t surprised when Derek fell into step easily. “If I stumble, I’m sorry,” he added quietly, his mouth unbearably close to Derek’s ear. “I had to take some medication and it makes me a little loopy.”
“What for?” Derek asked, hardly caring whether Hotch stumbled over his feet.
“The explosion at the bank re-injured my ear. I’m sure it’s fine but it does hurt quite a lot.”
“You get it looked at?”
“I have an MRI in the morning.”
Derek smiled and nodded, realizing that they had fallen into perfect sync with one another almost effortlessly. Like no time had passed. Talking felt forced but it was getting easier the further in they went.
“Do you need me to take Jack to school?”
“Jessica said she could,” Hotch replied. Derek nodded.
“I know she will, but she’s getting herself pretty good and liquored up…”
“She was supposed to be my designated driver.”
“Yeah. I’ll drive you guys home, I’m not in the mood to drink tonight anyway. Had a bourbon with Rossi and Will to take the taste out of those nasty cigars he gave us, but otherwise I’ve been sipping soda water with lime.”
“You don’t need to do that. I think Anita has been drinking Sprite. She works in the morning.”
“Hotch…” Derek said, leaning back just far enough that they could lock eyes. “I’m not just offering to drive you home because I think you need a ride. I’m really trying here…”
“Oh.”
“Oh? I mean if you don’t want me to...if you’ve moved on…”
“No. I...no. That isn’t it.”
“Okay, so what is it?”
Hotch let out a small sigh and pursed his lips. “You asked for space, and I gave it to you. But in Chicago...it felt like you were finished. The way you behaved led me to believe your need for space had become something more. That you had come to a decision and that we had no future.”
“You really think I’d do that and not talk to you?”
“I don’t know, Derek. I have no right to expect anything of you anymore.”
“So you’re good just letting it die? You’re not gonna fight for it?”
“Derek, what do you want from me? You said you couldn’t trust me, that you needed space...when you ask me for space, I am going to give it to you. Did you really want me to fight?”
“No, but I didn’t think it would be so damn easy to let go of either.”
“It hasn’t been easy. Has it looked easy? Is that really what you think?”
“Well it hasn’t exactly looked hard.”
Hotch was on the verge of tears, maybe angry tears at this point, he didn’t know. He had almost no control over that and wasn’t going to expend any energy trying to. “I think you’re the only one who can’t see it.”
Derek didn’t like the sound of that, mostly because it hurt. It was probably true. He’d been doing his best not to pay any attention to Hotch, because paying attention hurt and made him want to go back to him and he knew he wasn’t ready for it. Because he felt like he shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t just be okay with Hotch lying to him, should he? Even if he’d done the same damn thing to his family over his cousin? And they forgave him because she was back in their lives, they forgave him because his motivation was for good. Wasn’t Hotch’s too? It wasn’t like he did it for his own gain. Every time he got close, something pulled him away.
“Maybe I am,” he admitted finally. “Hotch. I love you. I never stopped, I hope you know that. But I just don’t know how to forget what happened.”
“I would never ask you to forget.”
Of course Hotch would say that. Just be willing to keep a relationship up when he’s at an automatic deficit. Spend forever trying to make up for his failures.
“I hope for your forgiveness,” Hotch added quietly, almost too quietly for Derek to hear. “But I wouldn’t expect you to forget.”
“It can’t happen again.”
“I can’t make that kind of promise, Derek. I think you know that. There was no way I could have predicted being in that situation before and I can’t know something won’t arise again, but if there is any way around it, I will take it. I can do better than I have done at including you and sharing the burden. I can do better at including you in the hard decisions. I can do better.”
“You can, or you will?”
Hotch smirked at that, at the wording only they would pick apart. “I will.”
“Good enough,” Derek said, finally, taking the lead from Hotch for a moment. Remembering his own feet, his own rhythm. He’d missed this feeling, their bodies moving like one, the smell of Hotch. It was soft and clean, cotton and sunshine, he never wore more than deodorant and maybe some aftershave that lingered. He swayed his hips, stepping back and then forward, upping the tempo with the music. Hotch never missed a step even if he did look a little pale, a little light on his feet. Derek wanted to spin him, to twirl and dip him but he thought that might be pressing his luck. Instead he leaned in and kissed him, stealing his breath. “I don’t want space anymore. I want this.”
“Me too.”
From the bar, while she waited for her new drink, Emily smiled and watched Hotch and Derek. She couldn’t help it. “All it took was me leaving,” she said quietly and Penelope let out the wet sob she’d been holding back for two songs now.
“No,” she wailed, pulling Emily into a teary hug. “No no no.”
“It’s okay Pen. It’s for the best. We all need it. A fresh start for everyone. We can’t go back to the way it was before and it only hurt everyone to try...this is good. I promise.”
“Why doesn’t it feel good?”
“Because goodbyes are hard, even if they’re necessary. But look at that...look at them…look at Hotch and Derek...and JJ and Will...don’t cry over me.”
“Can I come visit you?”
“Of course.”
“Right away. I’ll help you move in. We can shop for furniture and explore your new neighborhood and find the best place for um…fish and chips...you eat the fish I’ll eat the chips…”
“Yes,” Emily smiled, holding Penelope’s hand tight. “To all of it. Yes. I’d love that.”
“Good! Now, come dance with me. Because I need to soak up as much Emily Prentiss as I possibly can tonight…”
“Anything for you, Penelope.”
"Ahhh," Penelope gushed, squeezing Emily's hand. "You are so right."
#aaron hotchner#derek morgan#emily prentiss#bau team as family#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfic#hotchgan#hotch x morgan
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My part of TobiIzu Exchange, the gift for @flawlessstriker
Paper, watercolour, acrylics and iridiscent pigments, 41x29 cm.
I am not a ficwriter and my English is very poor however during the painting I had some ideas for subject.
Imagine what People of Sea were in eternal hostility to the People of Seashore because fishermen catch the sea beings, destroyed coral and fish habitat etc. Mermaid and Mermen drowned ships for the vengeance.
But one day a poor fisher with white hair and face marks had a wonderful trophy, a beautiful Merman, one of tritons of Sea King. The scales of his fish tail varied from purple to bluish green with golden glimpses. The jewels made of pearls, coral, seashells ornated his chest and hands.
He had hair of the colours of the night, bright eyes, changed from violet to red in one instant, tender lips, create for smiling and kisses.
Beware ! Behind the charming appearances he was one of the most vengeful and skilled sea warrior. The sharpest dagger made from magical crystal was ready in his hand.
But suddenly Merman saw the magatama made from the same crystal as pendant on the neck of the fisher.
- Where your find it?
- In the sand on the beach. The stone was so beautiful that I made the amulet from it.
Merman can’t kill the human because magic of the crystal protects him.
Fisher in his turn can’t breathe captured by the beauty of Merman. He don’t want to share his precious trophy with no one of the villagers. Happily this early morning the beach was empty.
Fisher brought Merman into his hut and kept him in the great wood bassin. Merman said that his name is Izuna. The fisher’s name was Tobirama.
Izuna lived many months hidden in Tobirama’s house. Day after day they become more and more close, sharing food and conversations. Tobirama heared, fascinated, about the marvels of the Sea deeps. Izuna try to understand the human’s life, the need to survive which obliges people to take sea and to catch fish.
Finally they fall in love.
Unfortunately sea creature can’t survive long enough out of great waters. In the night Izuna could hear the voices of his parents and frends. They was searching for him!
Desperate Tobirama decided to free his more than friend. One night he brought Izuna in his hands back on the beach. The man enters into the sea as deep as possible and leave beautiful merman to swim in the vawes. Their hearts were broken but no one can change his nature and destiny.
Izuna returned to his warrior clan and Tobirama to his neighbors and his occupations.
Both of them nevermore were joyful.
Izuna made his duty as sea guardian but try not to kill humans.
Every day Tobirama took his boat as usual but not only for fishing. The most of the time he watched around. He was waiting for purple-green shines between blue vawes.
Maybe one day he’ll see it ?
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