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wrongcaitlyn · 4 days

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need more apollo and darren lore to see if i can relate them to back to december

you can ONE HUNDRED PERCENT relate them to back to december if you just ignore the tiny detail of them not breaking up in december (but like, who cares because it’s the VIBE that matters and in this case the vibe is definitely accurate)

i will definitely be adding more apollo and darren lore…let’s just say… archery world championships happening soon…. olympics in one year…. kayla’s an icon mastermind…..

but! some little notes in specific relation to back to december

i know you may think this is apollos pov, but after looking over the lyrics again to refresh my memory… it’s from darren’s perspective. 100%

I'm so glad you made time to see me / How's life? Tell me, how's your family? / I haven't seen them in a while

apollos family!! not referring to his dad. duh. but darren’s prob just talking abt like the 1-2 times he met will and austin as babies, he hasn’t seen them since so “a while”…. sure darren, that might be a bit of an understatement

You've been good, busier than ever / We small talk, work and the weather / Your guard is up and I know why

small talk is SO real with them. they’re so awkward esp rn. they don’t know how to talk to each other. apollo says “nice weather we’re having” completely unironically and darren responds “oh yeah it’s nice”

cue silence for like 2 minutes until apollo asks how his coaching is going and more and more stilted conversation

AND!!! they’re both busier than ever!! apollo returning to being employed (kinda? i mean, he has a job so) and darren with olympics being next year

Because the last time you saw me / Is still burned in the back of your mind / You gave me roses and I left them there to die

i don’t wanna spoil exactly how they broke up… bc me and wronghuntress had like an hour long convo abt pollen lore a few weeks back and. guys. when i tell you i am SO fucking excited to write it‼️‼️

HOWEVER. this line. is very. very. very. fitting. from darren’s pov that’s all i’m saying hereeee

bc ik in one of the other chapters i said that apollos like “i ruined his life” and he DID but also like. it’s messy. it’s so very messy.

So this is me swallowin' my pride / Standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night / And I go back to December all the time

not technically in front of him but!! the phone call!! abt kayla!! him swallowing up his pride, and there wasn’t necessarily an apology for the… things that happened, but it’s a step forward

It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you / Wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine / I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright / I go back to December all the time

change it to march and make darren a singer instead of an archer and this would be one of his songs😭😭

These days, I haven't been sleepin' / Stayin' up playin' back myself leavin' / When your birthday passed and I didn't call / Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times / I watched you laughin' from the passenger's side / And realized I loved you in the fall

god… this timeline is actually SO real. if anyone’s making a pollen playlist out there (i should probably do that when i have timeHDKDJD) THIS SONG‼️‼️‼️

anyway ofc apollo is associated with summer in darren’s brain… and also apollo def thinks of summer too when thinking of darren :)

and oh yeah, ofc apollo’s in the passenger seat. bro probably grew up with drivers and doesn’t have his license.. rip sun chariot!!! (he gets his license eventually, ofc, but only bc it’s to drive will to school)

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile / So good to me, so right

But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

i mean, do these even need to be explained? well darren, i can assure you that you WILL love again. it’s what we all need

okay so. i can’t really. explain the rest of this stuff. but here are the lyrics that stand out to me SOOO much because of how they broke up. that is all i can say for now!!

And then the cold came, the dark days / When fear crept into my mind / You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

And how you held me in your arms that September night / The first time you ever saw me cry

thank you so much for the ask!! it’s been a while since some pollen content but i swear it’s coming soon :))

#wrongcaitlyn #talk ur talk asks

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wooahaes · 2 years

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celebration

pairing: ot12 & fem!american!reader

prompt: n/a [priv bday party list]

word count: 2.7k~

warnings: food mention bc tiny party. also surprise party too tbh. reader has a bad relationship w her family. scared hyunsuk over horror movie for a brief moment.

daisy’s notes: sorry for the american reader </3 this is admittedly self indulgent comfort part 2 since i’ll probs just see family again this year lmao

“Your birthday is coming up? Are you going to do anything?”

You picked the wrong person to say it to. Jaehyuk had been sitting next to you in your home, textbooks open and assignments mostly finished in front of you. Despite the fact that he always seemed busy, you had plucked up the courage to ask him to work with you for assignments--and he seemed to happily accept, remarking something about how he noticed your work ethic and felt comfortable working alongside you. He’d noticed the date on your calendar, lovingly circled by one of your housemates when you accidentally let it slip that your birthday was soon. All of them were busy (fortunately for you: one of them loved parties and you knew that you wouldn’t have gotten away with nothing had she not had both school and work taking up all her time that day), and you were fully prepared to spend another birthday on your own.

You shook your head, continuing to type away. “Nope. Never have, probably never will.”

He frowned at you, leaning forward just enough to try and get a better look at your face. “Don’t... Don’t Americans usually have big parties?”

“Never did,” you rattled off, not ceasing. The tip-taps of your keyboard came in a steady rhythm at this point, thankful that you could speak your first language for this assignment in particular. “School ended in early May for me, so everyone was gone.”

In your school-focused haze, you didn’t notice the way his gaze had gone completely soft while looking at you. “And your family...?”

“Not important,” you said. Jaehyuk knew your relationship with them wasn’t perfect, but it still hurt to hear that things always sounded worse than he thought. He didn’t like to dwell on it, actually. “Does it matter? Yoshinori had a birthday a few days ago. Did you guys do anything for him?”

They did, since Yoshi was their friend, and Jaehyuk reluctantly rattled off his answer. “But what about you?”

“You’re busy. All of your friends are busy.” He wanted to correct you with an ‘our’ since he introduced you to them a while back and pretty much all of them accepted you since you looked after everyone you shared classes with (and, at times, the ones you didn’t since you still knew them). “All my housemates are busy,” you said a beat later, “I’ll probably just get takeout and watch a movie if I’m not busy.”

If you hadn’t been staring at your screen, you would have noticed that he had reached for his phone, already texting the others if they were down for a movie night with you to celebrate your birthday this upcoming weekend. Despite the initial texts not knowing that your birthday was soon, there were a few concerns regarding their free time. He quickly said something about how they absolutely didn’t have to decorate or anything special: just you, some takeout, and maybe a cake for all of them if they could all pitch in for one. Just to give you some company since you never had it before.

That had been what changed all opinions to a resounding yes after Jaehyuk promised to give more details later with a promise that no one told you that he had spilled them. They were fairly busy, sure, but surely they’d have at least half a day to themselves this weekend. They’d spend part of it working on their own things (Jaehyuk knew that everyone would be trying to get through their homework as best as fast as they could just to keep up with class), and eventually invite you over for a movie night. It’d be a little surprise, and Jaehyuk had offered up his own room just to keep you from traveling back home late at night.

Maybe some of it had been born from sympathy for you, a foreigner mostly on your own now. While none of the others were as aware of your situation as Jaehyuk had been, they knew it had to be rough to be mostly alone in a foreign country--some more than others. One night together would be fine. They could make it work. It’d mean they’d have to give up free time to pursue hobbies, sure, but they could afford that if it’d give you a good birthday this year.

So they decided to leave it as a surprise. From nights studying hard together, Jihoon was the one who knew your go-to takeout order. You’d always order the same thing, and he’d sometimes tease you about being so predictable before insisting he’d pay since you were kind enough to help him in areas he was struggling. Only half the time you’d actually listen, but he’d try at the very least. The others vaguely knew of your favorite movies enough to find copies or find them on streaming services. In-between the homework and their other duties, they found time to get you a store-bought cake.

There was slight discomfort in feeling you deserved more. That you deserved a real party, with decorations and more food and music--but there was reassurance in knowing you. In knowing that you’d understand to begin with, but also in knowing you as someone more lowkey. Someone who would prefer just a quiet night, even if it was with twelve occasionally rowdy guys, where you could have takeout and watch your favorite movies alongside them. Asahi knew that you’d point out your favorite moments when you could, because he’d seen the way your eyes sparkled from the other end of the couch on a movie night Jaehyuk had arranged for you all during a rare relaxed day. It hadn’t been your favorite movie that day, but it’d been one of the ones he knew you enjoyed because of every little moment of pointing out details that came with rewatch after rewatch. He listened from their dining table as Yoshi came in with the comfiest blankets he could find, a quiet caring shining through as he straightened up. Or the way that Haruto had texted the group chat earlier, asking if it’d be fine to run and get your favorite drinks in another subtle gesture of caring.

There was an unspoken agreement to make tonight as cozy as they could for you. If you couldn’t celebrate your birthday with anyone the day-of, then you deserved to at least feel like it was celebrated somehow. If that was a movie night with some good friends, then so be it. All of them did harbor some affection for you (it was sweet to see that you started looking after the younger part of their circle, like Jeongwoo and Junghwan, with the occasional text to take care of themselves and that you were always happy to help if they needed someone), and it hadn’t been much of a surprise that Jaehyuk brought up your birthday when you had little good experience with birthdays. Pretty much everyone there could recount being kids and celebrating their birthdays with friends and family while growing up--it felt... wrong to go on knowing that you didn’t have the same experience without doing anything when everything fell into place like it did.

Jihoon had been the one to text you, asking if you had finished work for one of the classes the two of you had in common. While he was in the online portion, he had met you through coincidence: he’d gone to the library to find something, and you had gently asked if he could reach a book for you since he’d been standing right where you needed to be. He recognized it as one of the ones he’d been looking for, and the two of you had realized you were in the same class but in different sections. So he brought it up as casually as he could, and asked if he could see your lecture notes too late in the evening. He made up something about how you could just bring a change of clothes and stay with them for the night, that if you didn’t want him to give up his room, that someone else would since (in his words) everyone liked you.

You had batted off the idea a bit, saying that “not everyone there liked you” and he just told you to come over because he had your favorite takeout already ordered and on the way. Bribing you with food always seemed to work, and this had been no exception as you texted him back that he played dirty and that you’d meet him outside with your dumb bag packed.

By the time you’d arrived, everyone had gathered for a cozy night in, already changed into pajamas with blankets slightly strewn around and plushies left lying about. Jihoon guided you up, thanking you a thousand times for coming over on such short notice.

You had merely shrugged. “Of course,” you said, hands gripping the straps of your bag. “I like seeing you guys.”

Something about the way you said it made his heart swell a little. It was nice to have a friend like you. Jihoon just smiled, taking slower steps toward the door with a “Oh, really? I’ll have to tell them that.”

He punched in the code, the door unlocking and a chime ringing out. Jihoon was a step ahead of you, motioning to his friends to keep it relatively down as you filed in behind him. He took his time slipping out of his shoes, watching you round the corner and stepping out of your own while saying something about how you had brought your lecture notes and things you had from class. Not all of them were in Korean, but you were happy to work with him until he understood it.

Then you got hit with a very happy “surprise!” from the rest of his friends, and you jolted a little. Jihoon chuckled as he watched you look at everyone and then back at him, mouth agape as you processed what just happened.

“Oh my god. He told you, didn’t he.”

It hadn’t been a question in the slightest, but you whirled around to look at Jaehyuk after Jihoon nodded. There was no point in lying, honestly, since the only person you had said that to was Jaehyuk. He watched you take a breath, slowly exhale, and then grow a little flustered as realization sank in that all of them were there and ready to spend celebrating your birthday with you.

Jaehyuk had spoken up to apologize when you waved him off. “No, this is sweet--” You had said quickly, stumbling slightly over your words. “Really! I was just... surprised?”

“Go get changed,” Jihoon nudged you forward, pointing out the way to the bathroom. “You can pick sit next to anyone you want.”

He watched you grow more embarrassed, thanking them all again as you made your way to the bathroom. As you changed, the takeout was spread out with your own specific order set mostly aside for you. Plates and chopsticks were handed out, drinks set aside with a cold can of your favorite set to be handed off whenever you decided where you’d like to be. By the time you returned in cozy sweats, things were ready for a night of watching movies.

Unfortunately for some of them, they were big cowards and you enjoyed the occasional horror movie. You settled in next to Hyunsuk, fully aware of what you were committing to with that, with Yoshi on your other side.

“Are you going to be okay with this?” You asked Hyunsuk as the movie started, as if the plushie in his lap wasn’t about to be used to hide his face.

He nodded with a smile. “It’s for your birthday! I’ll be fine,” he said.

“We can skip this one if you want--”

“No, I’ll be fine!” He insisted further.

Thirty minutes into it, he had buried his face in the plushie he’d been clinging to, one arm wrapped around your own. You fought back a laugh, reaching up to nudge him closer to your side while the others teased him for clinging to you so hard. You waved them off, saying something about how half of them had just shrieked moments before. Despite the situation, you could feel Hyunsuk laugh into your shoulder a little at the way you defended him. Just something about your tone was cute and momentarily distracted him from the movie at hand.

Almost ten minutes later, you called it and stopped the movie. “You guys aren’t having fun,” you said. “I know you said you’d deal with it for my birthday, but I want you guys to enjoy this, too.”

No one argued with you over that, mainly because you had given them a look daring them to challenge you. The movie was changed, you settled back into Hyunsuk who silently gave you a thankful look after noticing how relieved some of the others were. He was certain that everyone else there would have put up with it if it made you happy, but this did make it more fun for everyone.

Plus it gave him the chance to dote on you and the others a little more. Yoshi had already made sure the others were getting their fair share of food when he could. Making sure you were getting enough to eat, warding the others away when he noticed they were picking a little too often at your favorite: just the little things he could do in turn for caring enough about them all to turn off one of your favorite movies.

The cake was brought out soon after Mashiho and a few others cleared the table in-between movies. Despite your playful protests, they sang to you and watched you blow out the candle. Haruto had asked what you wished for, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

“My secret,” you had teased. But you leaned back into the couch, paper plate lowering slightly--and you noticed the way Junkyu had reached out across Hyunsuk, bracing it for you. “I think it already came true.”

Junghwan looked up from his own slice. “Huh?”

“I’m glad,” Jaehyuk said from his spot on the couch behind you.

You reached up to swat at him gently. “It came true because of you. Take credit later.”

The next movie started, and they all noticed the way you seemed to light up. The way you sang along to one of your favorite songs, eyes glimmering as you relived childhood joy. Yedam made a comment about how he’d have to write something for you sometime, smiling when you laughed and claimed you weren’t that good. You’d rather hear his pretty voice anyway. Maybe one day he’d write lyrics and get your thoughts on them, hoping to hear you sing them a little for him.

It was somewhere into the fourth movie that you started to drift off. When prodded, you denied it--insisting that you could stay up if they all could. But Hyunsuk felt the way your head had began to droop against his shoulder, and nudged you awake with a promise that they’d try to do this again sometime with you--even if all of them couldn’t partake next time. If you were tired, then you should sleep. It wasn’t good to neglect yourself too much. You relented as you struggled to stay awake any longer, Jaehyuk happily giving up his room to let you get a comfortable night’s rest. It was cute to watch you hug every single person, thanking them individually for making sure you had a good memory for this year’s birthday--even if the celebration was ahead of the day--and that you were happy to do anything for them all in the future.

There was something tender about cleaning everything up afterward, sleepiness settling in as the excitement of the night wore off. Yet there was comfort in knowing that you were falling asleep happy, a warm feeling in your chest as you hugged a plushie close to your chest. It was nice to feel wanted after so many years of feeling like an obligation. You’d thank them all again for that as best as you could through future support for each and every one. No matter what the future brought, you were confident that you could do that.

#wooahaes.fic #treasure imagine #treasure x reader #treasure x you #treasure fics #treasure fluff #no romantic pairing just celebrating ur bday with 12 dummies

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johnsamericano · 3 years

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𝓓𝓪𝔂 19:

ℓιυ уαиgуαиg

23 days of NCT masterlist.

taglist: @notbeforelong @whathamelon @curieouscapt @unknown5tar @mrcarbonatedmilk @silent-potato @ajhdr @gjheaaa

warnings: an extreme plot twist 😭, things escalate way too quickly, a bit of angst, this is so weird I’m sorry.

“Welcome.”

You heard your coworker greet someone as you finished giving the final touches to the tattoo you’d been working on for a few weeks.

“Dang, Sungchan. You’re gonna look hella fine with this.” You wiped off the remains of ink over his skin, getting up from your little stool to admire your job from afar. “Wanna take a look?”

“Hell yeah.” The tall boy straightened his back, walking towards the full-body mirror to look at the daisies decorating his bicep. “My girlfriend’s gonna love it, thanks y/n.”

“No prob.” You covered the tattoo before biding him goodbye.

As you ordered your materials, you heard the doorbell ring. Assuming it was Sungchan leaving the shop, you didn’t pay much attention to it.

“Y/n, come here!” Your coworker and friend, Xiaojun, shouted from the front desk.

“Coming!”

As you exited the room, an innocent looking boy invaded your vision. A big, black hoodie shielded his body from the winter cold, making his body look tiny inside of it.

“He wants a tattoo.” He lifted his pierced eyebrows, as if the boy’s request was some sort of joke.

“Hi, I’m y/n.” You extended your hand, allowing him to shake it vigorously. “Do you have any idea of what you’d like to get done...?”

“Yangyang.” He completed your sentence, an oddly wide smile imprinted on his face. “I actually have a picture of what I want.” He pulled out his phone from his pocket, unlocking it to show you the image of a beautiful woman smiling.

“Are you sure about it? It’s gonna take a while to finish it and I’m sure it won’t be painless.”

He blinked a couple of times before giving you another wide smile.

“I’ll be alright.”

“So I’m booked for the rest of the week, but we can start next Monday if you’re available.” You murmured while taking a look at your agenda. “If you’d like, maybe we can book the rest of your appointments in advance. And you can also send me that image so I can get started on the sketch.”

“That’d be great.”

It wouldn’t be until the next week that you finally saw the languid boy again. He was wearing a black tank top with a leather jacket on top.

“Ready?” You asked while pulling out your gun, Yangyang getting comfortable in his seat. “You can pay now or when we finish, whatever feels best for you.”

“Thank you.” He removed the leather jacket covering his naked arms.

His limbs were slightly built up, but most surprisingly, filled with intricate ink designs. You couldn’t help the small gasp that escaped your mouth, your fingers unconsciously touching the patterns over his fair skin.

“This is amazing.”

He giggled at your excitement, curious eyes gazing at you. Suddenly, you snapped out of your daydreaming.

“Sorry.” You shook your head, pulling out a piece of paper from your desk. “Here’s the sketch, we can change it if you don’t like it.”

“This is perfect, you’re really talented.” His eyes scanned the detailed sketch, smiling back at the drawn woman.

“Thank you.” You rolled up your sleeves, your ink-filled arms on full display. “Let’s get started.”

You spent about an hour in complete silence, only the buzz of your machine filling the room. Yangyang seemed to be handling the pain just fine, which made your job much easier.

“How long have you been doing this?” He asked out of nowhere, trying to start a conversation.

“When I was seventeen maybe.” Your eyebrows were knitted together as you drew shadows over the woman’s eyes. “The guy at the front desk and I opened this shop after deciding neither of us were attending to college. Guess studying wasn’t really our thing.”

“What did your parents say about it?”

“You know, the usual, but they got used to it after a while. They even got a couple tattoo a few months ago.”

“It must be nice having supportive parents.”

“Yeah, it is.”

The room went silent once again. Xiaojun turned on some music, the beat faintly reaching your workspace.

“So who is this woman?”

“My mom. She died from cancer a year ago.” You weren’t expecting him to say something like that so abruptly. Before you could open your mouth, he was resuming his answer. “Please don’t say something like “I’m sorry”, why would you be? It’s not like you knew her.” There was irony in his tone, which made you quite confused.

“Well yeah, but it must be sad for you.”

“She lived her life well, and that’s all that matters.” You hummed. That was a nice way of seeing it. “She actually helped me out a lot when I hit rock bottom a few months after we found out about her disease, even when she was at her deathbed all she did worrying about others.”

‘Why is he telling me this?’

“She must’ve been one heck of a woman.” A breathy laugh erupted from him.

“She was.”

“Well, I think we’re done for today.”

Week after week, Yangyang came back to the shop. The tattoo was turning out amazing and you couldn’t be happier with the results. Yangyang and you grew closer after that small, deep talk during your first session together, even going as far as exchanging phone numbers.

A few late-night conversations later, you were having your first date, which was followed by three more, every single one of them unique in its own way. The last one had taken place at the amusement park, the Ferris wheel serving as the perfect spot to share the sweetest kiss you'd ever received. Maybe it wasn’t very professional of you, but who could resist such a charming guy?

“Hey, y/n.” He greeted you with a small peck on your cheek, his silly smile pressing against your skin. After a small pause, he proceeded to take a seat at his usual spot.

You’d decided to wear a small shirt since the weather was getting warmer. Yangyang’s eyes were uncomfortably glued to your lower abdomen, making your hands clumsy as you prepared your materials.

“You’ve got a scar there.” A pinkish line crossed the right side of your tummy. For a moment, you were scared he’d think it was gross, after all, it wasn’t precisely a small scar, nonetheless, you carried it with pride. You were surprised to see there was no disgust in his look, instead, something you couldn’t really name.

“Didn’t I tell you? I used to have chronic kidney disease. I would’ve died if it weren’t for the transplant I received.” His mouth twitched the slightest, as if he was about to cry. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sure, let’s continue with the tattoo.”

Halfway into your work, you felt a small drop of water staining your arm. It was Yangyang, he was desperately squeezing his eyes in an attempt to hold back the tears.

“Are you feeling any pain? I’ll try to be more careful, we’re almost done.” He shook his head. “What is it then, Yangyang?”

He pulled out his wallet, retrieving a pink card and placing it above your hand. As soon as you turned it around, you were met with a name you knew all too well, the name of the person who saved your life.

“How...?” Your words stopped as you realized that certain person and Yangyang shared their last name.

“I remembered your name from when my mom passed. One day, I googled you out of pure curiosity, what I didn’t expect was to actually find you, address and all.” A lonesome tear rolled down his cheek, staining his silver ring as it fell. “My mom would be glad to know her contribution is being used well.”

Your eyes watered at his words, giggling slightly at the odd turn things had taken.

“Thank you.” Your arms engulfed him in a bone-crushing hug. “Thank you so much.” Yanyang couldn't help but let more tears fall, he was finally getting the closure he needed. He could finally let his mom go.

Silently, he thanked his mom for having saved such a beautiful human as you, feeling as if her death hadn't been in vain.

“Crap.” You sniffled, nose adorably scrunching. “Alright, get up.”

You pushed him away from your body, grabbing your coat and swinging it above your shoulders.

“Huh?” Your hand was extended right in front of him, your pretty, pearly teeth on full display as you showed him the sweetest smile ever.

“I’m taking you out for ice cream.”

#nct smut #nct angst #nct au #nct fluff #nct imagines #nct ot21 #nct x reader #nct #nct 127 #nct scenarios #wayv #wayv smut

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luvreyn · 3 years

Text

My Manhwa List (2021) Part 6

Hi hi been a while! Hope you’re all okay so now onto the list ~

Your Majesty, Please Spare Me This Time

Source: https://www.tappytoon.com/en/comics/your-majesty

Description:

Following the emperor’s unjust massacre of her family and her own miserable death, Laliette Bellua wakes up to find that she is in the body of her 12-year-old self. She immediately sets her sights on a single goal: suck up to Emperor Rupert Edgar Laspe Vellelum and save her family. Laliette’s plan is foolproof, except for one tiny detail… In her present timeline, the future emperor is still masquerading as a princess named Rapertte! With only a single suitcase and some change in her pocket, she sets out for the capital to become the princess’s closest and most beloved attendant. Can Laliette prove her ability to keep a secret? And more importantly, will she be able to win the favor of the cruel and sadistic Rapertte?

THOUGHTS AND WHY YOU SHOULD READ

- mc is freaking adorable

- plot - 3.5/5

- art - 5/5

- she hates the ML sm omg like she often has thoughts of wanting to kill him and it’s so refreshing?? cause every fl in this type of story are like just scared so I love that she’s so scared but she also wants hurt him

- I know they’re gonna end up together but it’s nice to see her being so adamant and succeeding in hating him despite his sometimes humanity

- shookt at the revelations!!

- the ml... idk what to say about him but let’s hope he’ll freaking redeem himself

- conclusion: an okay read!

The Night When the Crow Caws

Source: https://www.tappytoon.com/en/comics/night-when-crow-caws

Description:

As the hottest actor in the action genre, the handsome and talented Woogang is always being chased by the women around him. But when a mysterious agent on a secret mission breaks into his home, he's the one who falls in love at first sight. Sadly, he has no clue who the beautiful stranger is... until she shows up at his workplace as Detective Park Taeyi to investigate a bomb threat. It turns out that she's no ordinary policewoman, but an elite member of the Secret Intelligence Agency who is after a criminal organization called "The Crows." Fate brings Woogang and Taeyi closer when the actor catches The Crows' attention and needs the agent's protection. Can Woogang break through Taeyi's cool exterior and win her heart as they face off against their dangerous enemies?

THOUGHTS AND WHY YOU SHOULD READ

- ml is kinda annoying tbh or idk maybe it’s just me

- badass female!!

- art = 4/5

- plot = ?/5 ‘cause I forgot lol

- I love the premise!!

- love at first sight? check!

- m y s t e r y

- action!!

- conclusion: an okay read

Saving the Villain from the Heroine

Description:

Sielle is an ordinary handmaid working for the Grand Duke Ferzei Yekarte. The thing is... she knows he's a villain of a story she read in her previous life on Earth. With her prescience, she managed to foil an assassination attempt on her master, only to be framed for the crime! Worse yet, when she drank the poisoned wine to prove her innocence, she turns into a little girl... And now the Grand Duke wants to ship her off to a notorious family of assassins? Will she manage to survive through all this, even if she knows how it will all end?

THOUGHTS AND WHY YOU SHOULD READ

- cute cute cute

- plot = 3.5/5

- art = 3/5

- the art is okay but the deadpan expressions ruins the story like it’s so fake

- the ml is prob one of the most extra ml ever lmao

- found fam!!

- an okay and cute read

Answer Me, My Prince

Description:

Cordelia Grey, a 22-year-old novice editor with many aspirations visited an antique shop to receive the manuscript for the sequel to the fairy tale novel, "The Princess and the Knight." But she ends up exchanging letters with Prince Archie, a character from the fairy tale, using a book chest she obtained through a twist of fate. To Cordelia, holding a conversation with a novel protagonist is like something that only happens in fantasies. To Prince Archie, Cordelia's advice is desperately needed, since she knows the future of the his world. The two continue sending letters to each other, not realizing how the summer nights are slipping by...

THOUGHTS AND WHY YOU SHOULD READ

- omg I'm so shookt

- the plot is = 5/5 chefs kiss!

- art = 4/5

- it’s so interesting and I'm pleasantly surprise when I read it!!

- ml is so smooth

- a lot of mystery and magic

- making its way to my fav list!

I Met the Male Lead in Prison

Description:

I met the male lead in prison.

Okay. I get that I transmigrated into an R-19 tragic romantic novel, but why is he like this?

“Arf! Arf! Arf! Grrrrrr…”

I can’t believe this guy is held by a curse that makes him act like a beast… And that’s not the end of it, because he then returns to normal for a moment.

“I-i-if you aren’t g-going to take responsibility for what you did to me, th-th-then don’t t-touch me!”

At any rate, I felt relieved that I probably wouldn’t have any sort of romantic interactions with this guy.

A year later…

“Th-th-the day I leave this place, please…m-meet up with me!”

Well, it wouldn’t be a big deal to meet him once. But then, when I was released from prison…

***

“Welcome back. My lovely younger sister.”

The day of my release, a man approached me. It turns out, I’m the villain’s sister.

“You must have suffered going to prison in my stead. I waited only for you.”

…F*ck. My brother is the male lead’s sworn enemy?

***

3 years later, I met the male lead again. He looked totally different than when I last saw him.

“It’s been a while, Iyana. I’m going to kidnap you now.”

THOUGHTS AND WHY YOU SHOULD READ

- I've been waiting for this since forever!!

- art = 6/5

- plot = 4/5

- ADORKABLE!!

- she’s so cool!!

- the ml is so cute and I just want to pet him!

- 2nd ml (?) is so whipped I cannot lol

- the bro is the most interesting ‘cause I don't know him yet but he hot!!

- conclusion: a new fav!

#I Met the Male Lead in Prison #Answer Me My Prince #reynlist #manhwa #Saving the Villain from the Heroine #Night Crying Crow #Your Majesty Please Spare Me This Time #reyn.manhwarecs #manhwa recommenation

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literaticat · 3 years

Note

What do you feel makes for a really excellent picture book?

I mean - I could probs give a semester-long class about this? Uh... in a nutshell? In MY opinion?

A really excellent picture book is a perfect balance of text and art, each enhancing the other and bringing extra to the table.

THE ART

The art is NOT just a straight-ahead visual representation of whatever the text says*, but is rather giving subtext, telling its own jokes, putting a spin on the text, etc. Maybe the art is literally showing the OPPOSITE of what the text says to hilarious effect -- or is invoking emotion in the reader in much more subtle ways, by use of a well-chosen color palette, and the angles, perspective, light and shadow that the illustrator utilizes.

In illustration, just as in film, the placement of the "camera" and the way you light and shoot the scene changes everything. Think about the way Francis Ford Coppola would light and shoot a scene of a woman sitting on a bed in The Godfather. (Probably sepia toned, a muted room that evokes luxury but no detail, a medium shot of her face with a focus that allows us to catch every play of emotion, framed in such a way that she looks boxed in and claustrophobic) - Now think of how whoever at Disney would shoot a scene of a girl sitting on a bed in a Disney Channel Comedy. (A wide shot of a bedroom with lots of fun details, bright colors, light streaming in, a smiling red-haired kid playing on her bed while a golden retriever bounds around the room.) Now think of that same room and same girl, but she just found out her mom died. (The colors bleed out of the room, the light coming in is muted and cold as in twilight or a rainstorm. We are close-up on the girl in the foreground, who is burying her face in a pillow - background details are not visible but maybe the dog is trying to comfort her)

In all these instances, the elements are the same: female human. bed. bedroom. seated. Could you mistake one for the other though? NO! Do they evoke totally different emotions? YES!

THE TEXT

Meanwhile, the text gives the illustrator room to breath and play. Ideally it is charming on its own (either just-plain funny, or emotional/lyrical, or clear and informative -- whatever the case may be). But also, the author must use care not to spend time describing things that there are already going to be pictures of, because there is NO room for extra verbiage in a picture book.

I'm sure I have said this before on the podcast or something, but basically - think of a picture book as a very small, VERY brightly lit stage. Some amazing miniaturist has decorated it to perfection, each and every tiny curlicue or piece of molding has been especially chosen, it's gleaming like in a museum - but wait, somebody leaves a random balled up paper in the corner. THERE'S NO PLACE FOR THAT. It may be a small ball, but it just ruined the effect. And now I can see that there's a cobweb over there. Ugh. That ball of paper? That cobweb? Those are each words that don't belong in the book. The smallest word can really mess up the whole thing.

It's very hard to write a picture book! I know lots of absolutely brilliant writers who cannot do it. And MANY (most? all?) people who ARE good at writing them - still work incredibly hard to make them just right. It makes my blood boil when people either look down on picture books or think that "anyone" could whip them out because "it's so easy" -- like, no. If it is really good -- it isn't easy. If it was easy -- it's probably not good enough.

(* Obviously for things like "concept books" that might be the case, but I don't consider baby board books to be true picture books in the sense I'm talking about.)

#picture books

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alderaani · 4 years

Text

All The Things You Say

Pairing: ARC Trooper Fives x Reader

Warnings: suggestive themes, swearing, almost smut. Not quite NSFW but trying its best.

Rating: NC-17 prob? To be on the safe side.

A/N: Shout out to my boyfriend for inspiring this because he would not stop laughing at the scientific inaccuracies in The Avengers while we were trying to watch it the other day. I didn’t even mean to write this, it just kinda happened. This is the second time I’ve posted this!!! Actually getting quite stressed with the way the tags just will not work for me - I’m finding the first time I try to post something it will show up in the tags for about an hour, and then just disappear and never come back?? Pls lemme know if you have any hacks for this.

There is a bark of laughter next to your ear, the chest you are using as a pillow shaking with poorly suppressed mirth.

“Come on, there’s no way he’s still alive!” Fives exclaims. You drag your eyes away from the holofilm you’re watching in time to see him throw his head back and laugh again, as on screen the hero dives out of a roll and comes up shooting. “That’s not even how you hold a blaster!”

“Fives,” you whine, pushing your elbow into his stomach. You may as well not have bothered, for all the good it does; the solid muscles of his abdomen don’t budge even slightly. “You’re talking over the good bit!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Fives says, shifting to press a warm kiss to your cheek. He is absolutely not sorry – he’s been doing this the entire holo. You’re so comfortable and warm curled up against him, though, that it’s hard to mind all the interruptions too much. One of his large, calloused hands is resting firmly on your hip, the heat of his palm burning through the thin shorts you’re wearing. Kriff, you’ve missed this. Your apartment is tiny, but somehow it always feels so empty when he’s gone.

“I take it back, his marksmanship is unparalleled.”

“I don’t care what you think about his shooting as long as you hold it in until the credits,” you grouse.

You feel him shake with silent laughter again, then he presses his lips to your forehead, the scrape of his beard making you shiver. He is soft and pliant in the sleep clothes you’d delighted in buying him, because they are something comfortable and non-regulation, his in the way few things are. The steady weight of him at your back, the gentle rhythm of his breathing…it feels like coming home.

You only have three days this time, before he will be gone again. He doesn’t offer any details of his next mission, and you don’t ask. It is already hard enough to let him go when you don’t know the exact horrors that you are sending him into. He fights for his life, fights for every citizen of the Republic, while you sit pretty in an office filing data all day. It hurts you to think about, so while he’s with you, you don’t. Instead you desperately fold him into your life on Coruscant in the time you have, trying to give him everything that the Senate won’t. Some things, though, he is evidently less appreciative of than others.

He only makes it ten minutes before he just can’t help himself. The final straw is when two Jedi appear mid-scene and start swinging a pair of lightsabers that even you can tell are badly animated.

“What are they doing? They’re not even trying to go on the offensive! No – you idiot – aim for the –“

You turn your head and narrow your eyes at him. You’d never dream of admitting it, but the genuine indignation on his face is actually very cute. Fives meets your unimpressed gaze and cuts himself off.

“Right, sorry, no talking.”

You nudge him with your elbow again and squawk when he digs his hand into your hip as retaliation.

“Maybe this was a bad idea, this is clearly reminding you too much of work,” You say. “We should have gone for another romance.”

Fives shudders dramatically. “No, please, I promise I’ll keep my mouth shut this time.”

You snicker into the arm Fives has curled around you. The last time he’d been on leave, you’d made Fives pick a holo at random. He’d landed on, in his words, perhaps the worst, most melodramatic soap-opera ever made. He doesn’t have any others to compare it to, but he’s sure nonetheless. The memory of his absolute disgust at the way the love interests had draped over each other still brings you unreasonable joy.

Abruptly you flop backwards in Fives’ arms, draping your body over the arm of the sofa. He peers down at you, his brown eyes sparkling, his expression amused and open. His hair is soft and rumpled and you want nothing more than to run your fingers through it.

“But Fives…I want you to draw me like one of your Corellian girls,” you say melodramatically, flinging one arm back.

He groans loudly, and before you can blink one hand has come up to pin down your chest, the other darting out to jab the most ticklish part of your ribs. You jerk and shriek, your hands scrabbling against his thick forearm but it’s no use; you’re not moving an inch until he lets you.

“The long necks never taught me how to draw,” he says loudly over the sounds of your choking laughs. “So I think I should get to be the Corellian girl.”

There are genuine tears in your eyes when he lets you go. You sag down in a limp heap, clutching your stomach.

“You definitely have the tits for it,” you wheeze out, relishing the indignant noise he makes when you reach up and squeeze one for emphasis.

“I still say there was room for two people in that fucking escape pod,” Fives mutters, making you muffle another cackle.

“I know you do,” you say, because it was all Fives talked about for two days after the holo ended. Then you turn your head when there’s a particularly loud explosion on the neglected film you’re supposed to currently be watching. “Oh, shush, this bit’s the best part!”

“I should shush? Who was just talking?” Fives grumbles, but settles down obediently to watch as the film reaches its crescendo, a huge space battle unfolding on the frontier of Wild Space. As it builds, he slides a hand into your hair, stroking your head gently. He even finally sounds like he might be getting into it – you hear his breath hitch when a starfighter explodes on screen and his grip tightens briefly on your hip.

The holo draws to a close with the hero dragging the broken body of their friend from a downed fighter, leaning over them while the rest of their forces look sad at a respectful distance.

“I love you, brother,” They say tearfully. You clutch tight to Fives’ forearm, a little teary yourself as the music swells and the shot pulls out to a beautiful sunrise over the wilderness of an unknown planet.

Fives tenses behind you; it’s the only warning you get before he’s opening his big mouth again.

“If they loved him, they’d be calling for a medic, honestly,” he scoffs. “All the love in the galaxy isn’t gonna remove that shrapnel.”

You roll your eyes heavenward, the moment ruined. It’s your own fault and you know it; you picked this idiot up at 79’s and brought him home and never let him go again, like he was a sad stray tooka you found on the sidewalk. You have nobody to blame for this but yourself.

It’s a good thing he’s pretty.

In a moment you have twisted in Fives’ grip, shoved him down and straddled his waist. Before he can move, you grasp both of his wrists and pull them up to rest by his head. If you’re not going to get to enjoy your holofilm, you’re only going to settle for something better.

“Don’t you ever fucking shut up?” You ask, laughing your way through the words.

Fives smirks lazily beneath you, utterly unbothered by the change in position. He flexes his hands a little, but deigns to let you keep them trapped. The knowledge of how easily he could break free if he wanted to makes your mouth go dry.

“Only if there’s something to occupy me.”

This is accompanied by an eyebrow waggle that makes you groan in disgust, but you’re grinning like an idiot all the same.

“The holo was supposed to occupy you!”

Fives shrugs a shoulder. His eyes sweep over you slowly, meaningfully. “Can think of much better things.”

“Oh really?” You ask, settling firmly into his lap. “What did you have in mind?”

Instead of answering Fives leans up, his nose sliding along your own. His breath sweeps over your lips and your eyes flutter shut, anticipation curling in your stomach. You give up the pretence and melt into him, meeting his eager mouth with a sigh. He is hot and wet and wonderful. Fives groans deep in his chest, the sound rumbling through you where your bodies join and shooting straight to your core. You feel him work his hands free and then they are on you, sliding firmly over the dips and curves of your body.

When you break apart, it feels like your whole body is on fire.

“So how about it, cyar’ika?” He breathes, his face flushed. He leans up again to mouth at your throat, a quick flash of teeth that makes you gasp. “You gonna shut me up?”

You grind your hips down sharp and sudden, and smirk in satisfaction as Fives chokes and throws his head back. You can feel his interest literally growing beneath you; it’s your turn to lean in and bite your way up his neck, to the spot by his ear that always makes him shudder.

“I think I’ve got a better idea,” you whisper, nipping the shell of his ear and savouring his yelp. “I’m going to make you beg.”

#arc trooper fives x reader #fives x reader #arc trooper fives #fives #the clone wars #the clone wars fic #arc trooper fives x you #userkarina #alderwrites #if this doesn't work i might cry

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bumbleberrysky · 4 years

Text

alexa, play candyshop (bass boosted) | 02

pairing: gabriel x reader genre: soulmate au, canon divergent around s13, hurt/comfort, humour, future smut (probs) wc: 3.7k rating: sfw warnings: same as before, wounded gabriel & removal of those stitches notes: the fire under my ass burns as strong as ever, hallelujah

You knew there was a reason some divine power brought you to the Winchesters all those years ago, but to this day you still have no idea what that reason is. It’s something you’re destined to find out soon though, especially when you return to the bunker after months away and find not only a new face, but one that belongs to someone who up until that point you’d thought was dead. What does his return have to do with the changes you’re suddenly experiencing in yourself? Will you finally find out the reason you’d been brought here in the first place? Maybe…

Chuck works in mysterious ways after all.

prev. || next

Much to your regret, your plans the next morning to continue being a nuisance to Dean are thrown in the bin at his decision to leave early and meet Castiel somewhere a state over for a case that the angel had found. Something about vamps in a mine or something, you’re a bit hazy on the details. You’d only half-listened when Sam filled you in upon your arrival in the kitchen, a good hour after Dean had already departed the bunker.

While you would like to say Dean is completely to blame, the truth is that once you passed out last night you slept like a log and didn’t wake up until mid-morning today, which classifies as a sleep-in of sorts for you. You love sleep, but your body is wired to wake up not long after sunrise, unfortunately. It’s that hunter lifestyle you love to hate.

Sam had huffed a laugh at your face when you found out you’d missed Dean, but otherwise had kept to himself with his healthy breakfast as you went about making yourself a coffee. You tend to be a bit nauseous in the mornings, so a coffee will be enough for you for a few hours. It’s likely your stomach won’t roar in hunger until a bit after midday, as it is wont to do.

“How is your arm?”

Sam’s question breaks you out of the dissociative state you’d slipped into as you sip your coffee, grip on the mug tightening in reflex. It takes a few blinks before your eyes focus back on him, a small smile on your lips.

“Much better, thank you doctor,” you answer, before mumbling into your coffee as you take another sip. “Despite apparent attempts at making it otherwise…”

Sam snorts, not even bothering to comment on that. “I’m glad. Did you have anything planned for the day?”

A contemplative hum escapes you, your gaze wandering to the ceiling. “No, not really. I kind of went hard for a while there, one case after the other, so I’m due for a break. Not much of a fan of burnout.”

Your eyes move back down, meeting his own. “I’m probably going to just hang back, for a bit. Recuperate. I mean, I didn’t get any injury besides my arm, but I’m just… tired, I suppose. Didn’t get much sleep the past few weeks.”

“Of course you didn’t hurt anything but your arm,” Sam rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his smoothie—you’re not a fan of the green tinge it has, but if he likes it then you suppose it must be alright, at least. “You and your stupid good luck. Dean is still mad about last time, you know. When he got splattered in monster guts that just missed you by a centimetre.”

The memory yanks a giggle out of you before you can stop it, almost spilling your coffee as a result of the abrupt movement. “Oh, that was good. I wish I had a picture so I could scrapbook it.”

Sam laughs around a mouthful of food, swallowing it down before he continues. “Dean would kill you.”

“I know, but it would be worth it.” You place your cup down, deciding it a better course of action than continuing to hold it and risking spillage. “Also, I know you think my luck is really good all the time, but it’s kind of just good occasionally. All other times, it sucks.”

“It kicks in when you hunt, though, so I suppose that’s all that matters,” Sam muses, flicking through an article on his phone somewhat distractedly. He hums to himself before turning the screen off and angling his body to you properly, meeting your questioning gaze.

“I’m… I’m gonna need your help,” he says, appearing somewhat sheepish. “With Gabriel.”

You try not to let your sharp intake of breath show, but from the look that flickers through Sam’s eyes you figure he catches it anyway. Your teeth worry your bottom lip for a moment before you can muster a proper response. “Alright. What are you thinking of doing?”

Sam adjusts once more, pushing his plate away, cutlery stacked on top; it’s only now that you realise he’s finished the meal and the only thing left to consume is his smoothie.

“Well, I’m not… entirely sure yet.”

You huff a laugh, attempting to regain a sense of normalcy. It isn’t that you’d forgotten about the battered archangel hiding in a room a few doors down from yours, but it’s moreso that you’d made it a point not to think about it so early in the morning, lest your mood be ruined for the entire day. Thinking of Gabriel… it kind of hurt. You’re not sure you’re ready to sit down and analyse exactly why you’re having such visceral reactions yet.

“I don’t think we can really plan much, here,” he says, features softening with empathy. It reminds you that when it comes to Hell and being tortured, the youngest Winchester isn’t as unfamiliar as you might hope. A pang of something hits against the confines of your chest at his tone and the passing look in his eyes; as always, there’s the useless feeling, the wish you could take away all the bad memories and experiences and make it all better. You know you can’t, nothing can, but you hate seeing your friends in any modicum of pain.

You suppose that includes Gabriel, if the sensations whirling within you at the thought of him are anything to go by.

“We’ll just have to take it as it comes,” you say, taking your mug into your hold and downing the rest of the drink in one go. “Alright! I’m gonna shower and then… I guess we go see him.”

x x

Unlike the Gabriel you were once so familiar with, this Gabriel is decidedly not fond of visitors.

Sam had gone and prepared some things while you’d showered and dressed, and by the time you reappear outside your room you hear shuffling from the direction of the library. Curious, you make your way down the hall, peeking your head in and blinking in only minor surprise at the sight of Sam, his shoulders heavy.

“What’s up, Sam-o-saurus?”

Sam looks up and gives you the closest approximation to a bitch face that you’ve ever received from him, clearly not fond of the new nickname that came to you on the spot like a divine enlightenment. He takes a moment to close his eyes and breathe, though, which is probably for the best considering your mission for the day. It would do none of you any good if he went near Gabriel while all riled up.

“Gabriel is, uh,” he clears his throat, placing down a sterile steel tray in the shape of a bean and small surgical scissors, along with a scalpel. Your gaze strays to the side and sees that it was the first aid box he’d been ransacking as you arrived. “Not very open to visitation from me right now. I think I might be a bit… bit big. He doesn’t really even see me when he looks at me, so I don’t think he realises who I am.”

You wince, trying not to dwell on the information longer than needed to file it away for later consideration. “Oh. Sorry, Sam. You want me to go see if I can bring him out?”

“Please,” the tall man says, gesturing to the tools on the glossy oak table. “I figured we could start by getting rid of those stitches over his mouth, if nothing else. I don’t think he has enough grace right now to stop infection so we should try and reduce the risk.”

His words sadden you, but you know the truth they hold. Your limbs feel a bit heavy as you push away from the doorway.

“Alright. I’ll be right back.”

Gabriel’s allocated room isn’t all that far from the library, and the note on the door sticks out like a sore thumb so you don’t have to worry much about getting lost on the way (ignoring that at this point you know most parts of the bunker like the back of your hand). Once outside his room, something gives you pause though.

Are you ready to see him in that state again? Or is it that a small, tiny part of you fears he won’t recognise you, either?

Ridiculous of you, really. You take a moment to admonish yourself for the thought. If you take a second to factor in the difference in time spent in hell, even without considering all the time he was missing, Gabriel had to have been trapped and tortured for over a century at the very least. Centuries and years might mean nothing to a celestial being who has been alive for millennia, but over a century of fear and torture is a lot even for someone with such impressive mileage.

You shake your head, attempting to clear your thoughts and emotions so you don’t enter his room with an overwhelming aura. Okay, showtime.

A soft knock echoes as your knuckles meet the wood, a moment passing before you speak, attempting to keep your voice as soft and nonthreatening as possible.

“Gabriel? It’s y/n, I’m going to come in now.”

You allow another moment to pass before you ease the door open, blinking in surprise as your eyes are greeted by light—it seems the archangel has every bulb in the vicinity burning its brightest. Understandable, since you presume he wasn’t exactly kept in well-lit conditions.

For a second, you think he’s not in the room. You don’t see him anywhere, and you’re about a split-second away from turning and calling Sam when you catch a glimpse of something shifting in the corner, behind the bulky side of a wooden dresser. You think for a second that you’ve forgotten how to breathe, chest painfully tight, as you realise that the small form huddled and curled in the corner is, in fact, the archangel Gabriel.

You hate that you’d noticed him only because of the filthy scraps of material that stick out against the dark décor of the bunker.

“Hey, Gabriel,” you say softly, keeping the door open so he has a route of escape and moving over as slowly and cautiously as you can. “I’m just gonna come over and sit in front of you, alright?”

You figure that even if he’s not entirely listening to everything you’re saying, it’s better to announce what you’re doing before you do it, for his benefit.

Something painful ricochets off the inside of your chest as you grow close enough to see him around the dresser and you’re confronted with his beaten, bloody and battered figure once more. His gaze is anywhere but you, and the way he presses himself into the corner is like he’s trying to make himself as small as possible. It takes all of your willpower to squash down the unexpected sob that catches low in your throat. What is wrong with you?! You need to get a grip.

“Oh, Gabriel,” you find yourself saying before you can stop. “I’m so sorry…”

The closer you get to him, the lower you try to make yourself in his peripheral. It wouldn’t do any good to startle him by appearing big and threatening. It makes you frown when you remember just who it is that you have to think this way about. It’s sad, you think. The Gabriel you’d known was prideful, glaringly bright and loud in his presence, both as a trickster and an angel, and that he’d been reduced to… well, to this? It made your chest feel heavy.

Slowly and as quietly as possible, you ease down onto your knees in front of him, doing your best not to rush anything. It’s hard—you’re a hunter, used to moving with speed and a sense of urgency. So to take your time and really be in the moment for each of your actions is definitely an odd change from the usual autopilot your brain resides in.

He doesn’t acknowledge your presence once you’re still in front of him, not really. You had expected as much though, and as much as he seems unresponsive you do see the occasional flick of his eyes in your direction before they dart away, like he couldn’t believe he’d dared to look at someone instead of the floor.

For a few minutes, you simply let him adjust to your presence, your company. Ever so slowly, you see the tiniest bits of tension ease from his shoulders, his eyes no longer darting around like a frantic squirrel. You take the opportunity to take in the wounds and sores littering his body, doing your best not to get too upset by what you see. Dirt and grime coats him in layers, and you mentally note that your next goal with him would be to get him in a damn bath.

It can’t be comfortable, sitting in all that grime…

“For the sake of transparency,” you begin when he seems like he will be open enough to listening. “I’ll tell you why I’m here. This is your space right now, and I don’t want to intrude on it unless I really need to.”

He doesn’t meet your gaze, but you sense you have his attention. “Given that right now you’re low on… strength, and not healing as you usually do, we need to take care of some of the worse wounds you have. If we don’t, it’s a risk of infection, and we don’t know how well you would fight that off in this state…”

You clear your throat, attempting to keep yourself on track. “So, if you’re able, we’d really like you to come out just for a moment, so we can fix up some of your sores. I promise that you can come right back in here afterwards, and that unless we have something really important we’ll leave you alone. Sound good?”

He doesn’t nod, doesn’t really move, but the way his eyes move to yours and hold your gaze for a bare second longer than you expect, you gather he’s not entirely against it. You offer him a smile, oddly proud of him. You’d seen firsthand how hard it can be to get out of these mindsets, even just for a moment. Effort is hard and that he’s making it means everything.

“Perfect,” you say, shifting in your spot so you can stand more easily. “Alright, I can help you up, if you’d like, or you can stand on your own if you want. What do y—”

Your hands had already begun to outstretch as you spoke, and you’re taken by surprise when before you even finish speaking his hand is whipping up to grab your wrist in a sort of monkey grip. You’re left blinking as you help him up, moving on autopilot. You expect him to release you as soon as he’s standing, but it adds to your surprise as he wobbles in place and retains his grip, if anything shuffling a little closer.

“Okay,” you say, angling your body and adjusting your grip so that it’s loose and as nonthreatening as possible. “Let’s go. Thank you for cooperating.”

Of course, there’s no response and he’s silent the whole way to the library. You remember that Sam is in there only as you approach the threshold, but unlike what you feared, Gabriel doesn’t seem to react too poorly to him like he apparently had earlier. Risking a glance his way reveals that actually, amongst the frayed and almost manic energy, he seems oddly… grounded, just for the moment.

Well, this is certainly going better than you’d anticipated.

“I went to bully Dean this morning, but he woke up before me and left before I could get to him.”

You’re in the process of cleaning the wounds around Gabriel’s mouth and removing the ugly stitches that have been sewn into his lips. As something to distract him as much as you from what you’re doing, you’ve begun chatting idly to the archangel, unbothered by the lack of response. Sam sits a metre or so away, researching for Dean who had apparently called earlier when you were coercing Gabriel out of his room.

Still Gabriel doesn’t hold your gaze, eyes averted as he leans forward in the chair for you to reach his mouth, but you can tell from the way his eyes occasionally flick to you as you speak that he is listening, somewhat. It’s enough of a win that you’re willing to take it.

He winces each time your alcohol swab goes over the entry point of a stitch, but doesn’t flinch away too badly. You’re pretty proud of him for that, actually, because it must hurt like a bitch.

“You got him yesterday, though,” Sam pipes in from the side, amused as he recalls your arrival. “Barely an hour after you got here and he was quitting and heading to bed.”

“It’s hard being so naturally talented,” you say, placing the swab down and reaching for the small scissors and tweezers. “I’m an absolute delight, and Dean should appreciate that!”

“Has anyone ever believed you when you told them that?” Sam asks, presumably referring to the ‘delight’ bit.

“Why wouldn’t they, Samuel?” you ask, giving the massive man a light spritz of stink-eye. “Do you have something to say to me?”

“Nothing you don’t already know,” he snorts in response, turning a page in the tome he currently has in his lap.

You bite your lip to hide your amused smile, turning back to Gabriel. You place your hand softly on his cheek to let him know that you’re about to go back in for the stitches, before raising the other tool and bringing it to the first of the thick threads woven through his flesh. Wincing, you try and snip it as delicately as possible. Now seems like a better time than any for more distractions.

“If you think I’m bad, you should be glad you never met my grandfather,” you inform the youngest Winchester, successfully severing the first stitch and beginning the icky job of pulling it out. Gabriel makes a muffled noise of pain but remains still, and you pat his hand softly in support. “He could stir the shit out of anyone, man. Like, I’m not even kidding. The bastard gene I got from him was actually watered down by the time it got to me, so count your lucky stars.”

Sam makes a noise of contemplation, like he really is taking the time to thank whatever powers that be— those apparently being Chuck, as you’ve heard— that you’re not more like your grandfather. Honestly, you’re not kidding—they really should be grateful. You loved your grandpa but you’d never met anyone so quick to stir whatever pot may present itself before them. An opportunist with bastardous tendencies, one might describe him.

In the silence that follows, you jump to another topic for the sake of distraction once more—you’re about to move onto another stitch.

“So, now that your mother is here, are you guys actually eating like normal human beings?” you ask, tongue pressed between your lips in concentration as you try to snip the thread as painlessly as possible by manoeuvring the small scissors. “Like, balanced meals with vegetables and shit?”

You hear Sam pause in the motion of turning a page, a scoff turning into a laugh as it climbs his throat. “What—homecooked meals? Our mom? Dude, she’s worse than Dean in the kitchen, and I really didn’t think that was possible.”

You pause your ministrations to face the tall man, squinting. “What? No way. No way is she worse than Dean—”

“We’ve had to replace the fire alarms twice already,” Sam says, meeting your gaze with a look that is full of both fondness and exasperation. He lets out a laugh at your flabbergasted face. “Dude, I wouldn’t believe it either if I hadn’t seen it for myself. You’ll see, whenever she gets back with Jack. She can’t cook but it doesn’t really stop her trying.”

“Another terrible chef joins the ranks,” you proclaim dramatically, pulling the stitch you were working on out and going in on the next one. “Oh, to be able to cook. I suppose this Jack kid is our last hope.”

“He’s not even a year old, y/n,” Sam says, deadpan. “I wouldn’t count on it. Also, you can cook, you’re just lazy.”

You shrug, making a face; he has you there. “I will neither confirm nor deny these allegations.”

Once more, you feel Sam roll his eyes behind you—he should get that checked if he’s rolling them so heavily you can feel it yourself. They’re not even eyes that are in your own skull, man.

You proceed to pull shit out of your ass as you take Gabriel’s mouth stitches out, the metal tin to the side soon filled with scraps of thick thread covered in dried blood and muck. The exit wounds where the thread had been have begun to well with blood, the wounds agitated by the removal of the stitches, and you bring a new cotton pad back with alcohol to clean them up. Gabriel hisses at the contact, and you rush out apologies under your breath as you finish up. You’d forgotten to warn him, and it’s only something small but you still feel bad.

“Alright, that’s done,” you announce, mostly to yourself. You look over him, deciding which wound to treat next, when your attention is drawn to the way he seems to be shaking a little on the spot. He’s not as grounded as he was earlier when he sat down with you, and even though you have much more work to do you can tell intrinsically that this is the most he can take right now. Dressing his other wounds would have to wait until tomorrow.

You turn to find Sam already giving the archangel a scrutinising look, apparently arriving at the same conclusion you had. He gives you a nod and you let out a soft breath, turning back to Gabriel and offering your hands should he need them.

“Okay, I think that’s enough for today. Let’s get you back to the room.”

You can only hope tomorrow will offer the same amount of progress as today.

prev. || next

#supernatural gabriel #supernatural #supernatural fic #gabriel x reader #supernatural gabriel x reader #gabriel x you #supernatural gabriel x you #supernatural soulmate au #soulmate au #my work #alexa play candyshop #spn fic #spn gabriel #gabriel fic #gabriel series #gabriel fanfic #supernatural series #wing fic

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harapeveco · 3 years

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This is basically a follow up to that one post I reblogged about how Rei got home after Hitotsume stabbed the life out of him...really didn’t go into too much detail bc I feel like I shouldn’t ramble too much on reblogs, the other person shouldn’t have to deal with my nonsense also hhhh these are very stupid lmao

Also this bs very long so yeh it’s hidden oopsie

Anyway my theories and their explanations about how Rei got home that day are:

1) Qta took him home: the less probable one since Qta is like super tiny. I mentioned on the post that he probably transformed into a devil like monster and carried him home, mostly as a joke but then I started to think about it and like...Zingai transformation is posible, Noppo being the prime example of this since he has his og form and his duffel bag form. I believe this could be tied to the person’s personality tho, as we can see with Tobi saying he will protect Rei from shadow danger when in reality he’s just using him as bait to find Hitotsume, maybe that kind of a two-faced personality is what let Zingai change their appearance. It’s mentioned that Qta looks too childish and baby for a high schooler like Rei and it lowkey makes sense: Rei is kinda blunt, short tempered and prefers to ignore problems, which to me are kinda childish behaviors (not in a bad sense he’s a kid after all). Thinking of this, it means he’s still at “stage 1”; for what we know, he hasn’t gone through a situation that would make him a two-faced person. So basically Qta cannot transform himself yet, we would have to see if in the future Rei goes through something that makes him change and therefore change Qta too.

2) Rei dragged himself home: I also said this one as joke but there may be some truth to it. So basically we see him safe in his room after getting attacked by Hitotsume but we are told that the last thing he remembers was being stabby stabbed by tall ugly man, which means there’s a blank space in his memory where he somehow got home, changed clothes and went to bed. But before seeing if he was capable of going home by himself, we need to know exactly why he passed out in the first place; at first I thought it had to be something along the lines of stress since we can see him feeling anxious about people’s words when he was at school and his reactions to being able to see Zingai all of the sudden, with all this combined it would make sense for his baby brain to just be like “hey I’ve had enough of this bullshit bye” and just pass out but now that we know a little bit more stuff I would say he suffered a vanilla version of heart desolation. We are explained that if a shadow gets damage before it’s ripe the host will lose consciousness and won’t be able to wake up....Rei did lose consciousness but managed to wake up bc Qta had manifested before Hitotsume was able to snatch Rei’s heart. So yeh I believe Hitotsume was doing on chapter 2 exactly what Yuu’s Zingai was doing on chapter 10

Notice how the shadow goo trail comes from the mid area of that guy’s body, the same place where Hitotsume was stabby stabbing. Since Rei’s shadow was ripe it’s safe to assume he suffered the effects of heart desolation but to a lesser extent...if he was able to wake up just for a moment to go back home I believe he wouldn’t be completely conscious, rather in a blank state of mind or being dazed and that’s why he doesn’t remember it

3) Pattun was the one who took him home: this was the least serious of them all and only wrote it bc I thought it was just impossible for a guy who appears on two panels to just be there to save baby protagonist but hear me out bc I think I’m onto something with this one. I’ve noticed that people fail to point out that when Pattun makes his appearance, Mocchi is actually with him and not only that but...when Rei first realizes that he can see Zingai, we can see Mocchi again (well assuming it is Mocchi but yeh all my bets are on it)

So my Pattun stalking joke may have some truth to it. We see him being kinda interested? Or more like he notices something is off with Rei? Idk what the word is but considering he was hiding behind a building and looking at Rei I can assume he knew something was up and sent Mocchi to investigate. Since Mocchi cannot be see by regular people they could easily enter the school and then tell Pattun if Rei was able to see them or not and after getting that info both of them would follow him. Now the question of if they were following him, why didn’t they stop Hitotsume before he became a stabbing machine? Remember Rei basically left the school running and also went around some alleys to make sure Zingai weren’t following him so it wouldn’t be surprising if Pattun and Mocchi lost sight of him and when they found him he was already passed out. More of an add on but I would also like to point out Qta wouldn’t have been able to defeat Hitotsume by himself, like how in chapter 3 he was defeated by a shadow who was relatively smaller than Hito, I believe he would have had some help...so here’s when these two enter to fend Hitotsume off. Ofc this theory has some holes like:

1) Hito could’ve just notice Rei’s shadow was already ripe so there was no point on staying there and simply left

2) if Hitotsume is as “known” as Tobi makes him seem then I believe Pattun would think it twice about throwing hands for a kid he doesn’t know

3) I don’t think Pattun could be able to carry Rei by himself unless there’s a third party involved tho Mocchi could have been able to... I cannot imagine how people who cannot see Zingai would be able to perceive that as in would they be able to see Rei just like floating or will he become invisible upon being touched by zingai?

4) I don’t think Pattun knows where Rei lives

So yeh there are more things against this theory than in favor

4) Monitor Girl is somehow involved: didn’t mentioned this one bc it’s really too far fetched. Basically, we know how monitor girl has...well...monitors...and those monitors show cameras (for what we can see in InT) so basically she could have gotten ahold of Rei and decided to kept and eye on him. We know she knows Pattun bc of what chapter 10 tell us (it’s true we don’t how to what extent they know each other but let’s assume they are acquaintances) so maybe Pattun let her know there was a kid in the area that was suspicious or something. Maybe she was digging info about him and found his home address and told Pattun and he and Mocchi took him home. Also we can’t forget Tobi coming out of literally nowhere to save Rei...I’m convinced she told him about that too but I won’t enter too much into detail

5) None of these theories are correct and Eve and Newo won’t give us an explanation for this: I mean come on they probs wanted to show how scary Hito was and everything I said was a pointless waste of my time

#kara no kioku #long post #unnecessary but Icouldn't stop thinking about it

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disgruntledspacedad · 3 years

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first off- we’re playing a piece in my orchestra called “if I fell”, which usually leads to me spending the entire rehearsal thinking about Javi and Ears (although when am I NOT thinking about them?)

The questions I really want to ask are pure spoilers, but I do have this- does getting kidnapped change Ears’ thoughts at all on potentially being pregnant, especially since she’s now told Javi she loves him? If Hannah never got kidnapped and actually was pregnant, what would Javi’s reaction be? I don’t know anything about the availability of women’s healthcare in Colombia in the 90s, but would they consider/get an abortion?

Also- I know it’s a TINY detail you mentioned in her introduction, but I absolutely love that Ears is half Jewish! Between that and the curly hair I can see myself as her in another lifetime :) god i could talk about BL forever i’ll prob be back in ur ask box soon haha

Oh man oh man, I am desperate to hear this piece now. Do you have a link!? I am sooo curious. Also absurdly flattered that you spend any time at all thinking about my two idiots in love!

Okay there are so many of these questions that I cannot answer because SPOILERS.

I can tell you that abortion in Colombia was criminalized with no exceptions until 2006, and that even now, availability is scarce and it is only legal under three very specific circumstances. Ears would consider and very likely choose an abortion, but she’d have to travel to the US to have it done safely.

Javi would absolutely go with her.

On another note, I am so, so happy to hear that you appreciate the direction that I’m taking Hannah. I’m pulling from some family history, but mine is pretty vague, so if you ever want to slide into my DM’s and offer me some perspective, I would love that.

Thank you so much for the ask! Sorry I can’t be more specific. ❤️❤️

#Javier Peña #Hannah Aarons #narcos #better love #if I fall #I really don’t think I can answer any more baby related questions for ears and Javi because we are going to get DEEP into that #but I welcome questions #it keeps my mind busy #and I love talking about these two anyway #love you guys #what instrument do you play??

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mystery-fic-anon · 4 years

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Sudden Switching

Thanks to some strange magic, Axe and Lust have swapped bodies! Let's see how they deal with it...

Based off of a request sent in on Tumblr by @silverryu25, I hope you like it sweetie! :3

Big thank you to @nugget4550 for beta reading this, I appreciate it!

Warnings: just a bit of implied smut, but nothing angsty

Read it on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25037185

When Lust had stepped through the portal to see his bonefriend, he hadn’t been expecting this. He looked down at his much larger, chipped hands, then back up at his own body staring at him. The last thing he remembered was the usual flash of light of the portal, and then waking up like this.

“Babe?” Lust asked, his voice sounding much more gravelly than usual.

The faint hunger at the back of his mind seemed to have changed; morphing from something more abstract into a very real physical absence. Lust was starved, and he could practically smell the sweets wafting from his own inventory. He took a step forwards, tilting his head as his body stepped back.

At that exact moment Crooks thumped down the stairs and burst into the room. He happily ran over and picked up Lust’s body for their usual hug, swinging Axe around. Lust winced as his body cringed and curled up into a defensive posture, quickly stepping up to intervene.

After a few minutes of talking, all of them came to the same reasonable conclusion: somehow Axe had been standing too close to the machine, and it had caused their souls to, for lack of a better term, swap. Neither of them were scientists any more, and Lust was more focused on soothing his mate than figuring out all the details.

He felt kind of weird, but Axe looked absolutely miserable. The poor thing was rattling, and Lust didn’t blame him. It must be terrifying to go from a tall, high LV, and high HP body to Lust’s squat frame.

Lust had quickly called his brother from Axe’s phone, explaining the situation as best he could. Both of their bros agreed that the safest situation was to take Axe back to Lusttale. Lust wasn’t exactly a pro at fighting, and they had no idea how LT would affect Axe’s soul. In his universe, at least they were closer to an Alphys who knew how to deal with lust magic in case anything went wrong.

That brought them back to Lust’s house, both of them sitting on the couch. It was just like most of their date nights, apart from the whole switching-bodies thing. Lust put on a random movie, and went to go rummage through the kitchen. He brought about three times the food he would normally take out of the fridge, already stuffing a water sausage into his mouth as he plopped back on the couch.

Axe stayed where he was, practically curled up on the opposite corner. His eyelights were tiny pinpricks in his skull, and Lust’s heightened senses could clearly pick out the soft rattling. It hurt him to see Axe so closed off again, but he didn’t know what to do about it. Usually there was one method that always opened Axe up a bit, but Lust wasn’t sure it would work if Axe wasn’t hungry.

“Want some, sweetheart?” He asked, holding out a packet of chisps. He threw in his usual wink for good measure, since that alway made Axe smile.

Axe just shook his head, and Lust frowned. He put a few chisps into his own mouth, crunching them with his large fangs as he turned to watch the tv. He was probably just being stupid about this. Just because he and Axe had been together for almost a year now didn’t mean Lust was entitled to some kind of special treatment. Axe would probably always have some level of paranoia towards Lust, and that was just being aggravated by the switch.

Lust was shaken from his self-deprecating thought spiral by a small hand on his elbow. He turned to look at Axe, but Axe kept his head down. Lust reached up and gently covered Axe’s hand with his, gently rubbing it for a moment. He let Axe pull his hand away, smiling softly as he folded his hands in his lap. Axe had always been good at reading Lust, and he could probably tell when Lust was thinking bad things about himself.

“Pass me that?” Axe pointed at one of the Tupperware boxes of brownies that Pink had stress-cooked a few days ago. They were absolutely decadent, with white chocolate chips and squares of fudge peppered through them. Lust had enjoyed a few squares, but there were still a lot of them left.

Lust picked up the box, holding it out to Axe. He smiled softly as Axe grabbed it, practically ripping the lid off. Lust’s stomach growled a bit as he saw Axe take a bite, and he quickly turned to get something else to eat. He ripped open a box of Pocky, crunching down three of the sweet sticks in one go. He was hungry for more than just food, but if he focused on the hole inside of him then maybe he could ignore his craving for physical contact. There was no actual LT in his body, so it was just habit making him pine after Axe.

Just as he was getting into the movie, he felt Axe tugging at his left arm. Lust forced his body to relax, letting Axe lift his arm up and out of the way. His eyes widened as he suddenly felt a small body in his lap, the soft ecto of his body feeling wonderful against Axe’s solid bones. Lust was honestly impressed that he managed to keep himself still, and after a moment he relaxed back into the couch and let Axe position himself how he wanted.

Lust acted like most of his attention was still on the movie, keeping his hands on the couch. He would take this slow, and let Axe do whatever he wanted. He felt his face heating up as Axe’s fingers pressed against his lips, feeding him a piece of brownie. Axe was so sweet, and Lust hoped he wouldn’t make Axe uncomfortable. There was something so intimate about having someone snuggling into him and feeding the hunger inside of him, and Lust’s magic fluttered as he eagerly accepted the attention.

Axe squirmed in his lap, and Lust finally glanced down at him. Axe’s face and chest were glowing with magic, and his hands were folded in his lap in a very obvious way. Lust knew exactly that that meant. Oh, poor baby…

“Heat setting in?” Lust asked sympathetically, petting Axe’s coronal suture in a way he knew his bonefriend enjoyed.

Axe whimpered, leaning into the touch. “Yeah.” He made Lust’s voice sound deliciously husky, and Lust smiled.

“Well we can’t have that, now can we?” Lust cooed, resting one hand on Axe’s hip and squeezing. “You gonna let me take care of you, darling?”

Axe nodded frantically, his eyesights rolling back into his skull as Lust scratched his coronal suture more. LT was a bitch when it got intense, and there was nothing that would help it besides one—or five—good orgasms. Lust wasn’t particularly attracted to his own body, but he did love the soul that was inside it. He would just have to get over his self-loathing for a couple of hours to help Axe.

Lust relished in Axe’s little gasp as he picked Axe up, enjoying the chance to be the one doing the lifting for once. He held Axe bridal style, nuzzling the top of Axe's skull as he curled up. Lust immediately started for the bedroom, a feral grin stretching across his face.

“Don’t worry darling, I’ll make you feel amazing,” Lust purred.

This was one promise he knew he could keep. He knew all of his own weak spots, and exactly what worked when that aching burn of lust just wouldn't go away. This body swap might not have been planned, but it wouldn’t stop him from showering Axe with all the love he deserved.

#my fic #horrorlust #sanscest #body swap #body switching #horrortale sans #lust sans #fluff

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autisticangus · 3 years

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anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt.

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him.

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident.

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

#angus.txt #getting deep in here but it felt good to write #i love u all so much ok pls be good urselves

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jasontoddiefor · 4 years

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This is entirely @excuseme-howdareyou ‘s fault so here we go

A Hopefully More Or Less Complete List Of My Star Wars AUs with honorable mention of @anakinskywalkher as the person I usually bother with my stuff. We also have more AUs together. No, they’re not here because this post is incredibly long already.

I tried to summarize one AU in one sentence. I hope you’re happy.

Here are the AUs I’ve actually written something for [AO3]:

Obi-Wan raises Luke AU: in which Obi-Wan can’t give Luke away and Luke, set after ANH, drags Vader to the Rebellion kicking and screaming

Self-Made Jedi Anakin: In which Anakin wasn’t accepted into the Order and proceeds to study old Jedi temples

Counterpart AU: Jedi and Sith as yep halves of the same order co-parenting their younglings

Grandfather Vader: Pre-ANH Luke as a teen Dad with toddler Rey making Vader realize he needs to change his plans

Accidental Sith Shmi: Shmi, leading the slave uprising on Tatooine, becomes a Sith

Qui-Gon Padawan Reversal: Anakin as his first padawan, Feemor as the baby of the lineage

Female Anakin: Genderbend Fix-it in which the Republic falls but there’s no Vader

Assassin’s Creed AU: Anakin in the 21st century struggles with the memories of his ancestor Vader

Tyrant of Tatooine AU: Anakin is never found and leads a slave uprising

Tiny Emperor Luke AU: Vader kills Palpatine and makes 10 y/o Luke Emperor [AO3]

Eldritch Anakin: Anakin is only half-mortal

Stuff I’ve started writing

Propaganda AU: in which the Rebellion makes use of the fact that Vader is Luke’s father in the most genius way, currently an estimated chapter count of 23, though I won’t actually start posting until I’ve finished this story

Wings AU: In which being a Skywalker is a bit more literal

Another AU in which Luke is a slave and one where he is highly psychometric and touching his father’s lightsaber is a terrible idea

Soulmate AU in which Obianidala are soulmates with three very different cultural views on soulmates and accidentally save the Republic through cultural differences

No Sequels everything is Happy and Luke setting up the new Jedi Order is basically just straight up parenting a bunch of force sensitives kid for the first 10 years

Ideas I’ve entertained and might write in the future or toss into the abyss

Gods AU: in which our main casts are gods given human form

Vader inserting himself as tiny Leia’s teacher to spite Sidious while Bail is Stressed

Another non-Jedi AU which is honestly just an excuse to come up with my own Force-sensitive culture and put Anakin in fancy clothes and have him wear jewelry

One where Luke sneaks off to the academy and meets Han. The sole purpose of this is Han, a rebel, going “what do you mean the short blonde kid i was always saving is Vader’s #2″

Naboo resigning from the Republic, Anakin not being taken in by the JEdi Order and ten years later Padmé and he are separatists trying to get Jedi Master Obi-Wan and his Padawan Ahsoka to help them figure out what’s actually going on

Anakin and Shmi as accidental information brokers/heads of an outer rim criminal empire

Padmé as the Senate representative for the Jedi Order

Role Reversal OT trio with Leia Skywalker as Obi-Wan’s Padawan, Han as Rebel Prince Organa and Luke as a smuggler

Prequels trio role reversal with Senator Anakin, Padawan Obi-Wan and Jedi Master Padmé

The one where Anakin finds a dragon egg on tatooine and keeps it

Obi-Wan, on his way to bring Luke to his relatives, gets attacked by pirates who call Vader. Obi-Wan manages to take out the pirates but suffers a head injury and loses his memories causing Vader to go”could be my revenge,,, could be Obi-Wan joining my side”

One in which more Jedi survive and they all show up on Obi-Wan’s doorstep or on Alderaan and they kinda rebuilt the Order in secret and the twins grow up with a lot of aunts and uncles and cousins

That one where Sabé pretends to be Padmé and raises the twins

Happy ROTS ending where Anakin “Hero of the Republic” becomes a stay at home dad and shows up to the twins’ PTA meetings with space starbucks

One in which Luke is allegedly a clone Sidious created, just wants to be a person and Leia is a Jedi because gosh damn it just let her be a Jedi you cowards-

Too many Time Travel ideas I’m not listing them all just fix its. a lotta fix its.

Jedi Palptaine AU in which Luke accidentally time travels, kills Plagueis as he’s about to drag still innocent Palpatine off and Luke figures good parenting can fix the galaxy

One were the handmaidens stick around both twins and paint vividly different pictures of Padmé depending on whether they were more tasked with being political help or protection detail

A whole bunch of happy modern AUs that I’m not elaborating on bc this list is already too long

THAT’S IT DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO WRITE ALL OF THIS DOWN??? Ages. Ages. there are probs still some missing but idc anymore

If you have any questions, just sent me an ask and I’ll be happy to elaborate!

#star wars #Anakin Skywalker #obi wan kenobi #padmé amidala #Luke Skywalker #leia organa #Han Solo #fanfic #do you see now why it takes me ages to finish a fanfic?#i keep getting distracted #also can you tell im a prequels fan #bc i sure am

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authorkimberlygrey · 4 years

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How to do the First Draft Thing

Rule Number One of your first draft is that there are no rules.

•Grammar? Fuck it

•Logic? Eh, if you feel like it I guess

•Story Structure? I don’t know her

•Character arcs? Who gives a shit

•Your outline? If its still working for you I guess keep it around but otherwise chuck it in the corner with all the other shit.

Your first draft is literally just a fire. Not even a dumpster fire, because that would mean it was at least contained. That’s draft 2.

Draft No. 1 is a trash fire and that’s great that’s the way the writing gods intended. Perfection is the enemy of good and all that, but listen, your first draft probs isn’t even gonna be good. Its gonna be a first draft.

And listen, I’m not saying that to be mean or whatever. Everyone’s first draft is, from a technical writing perspective, shitty. Its supposed to be. The first draft is about you figuring out what you like, and what works and what doesn’t, its about learning your characters in their actual environment.

From a technical perspective, its gonna be shitty, and that means you can let go of all the stress and perfectionism and all that shit and just have fun. You can throw in scenes that don’t make sense, characters that go nowhere, meaningless angst or fluff. Just have a good time, because later down the line you’ll probably end up using that shit, even if you don’t , you’ll still learn from it.

Honestly you’ll probably end up tossing 99% of the shit in your first draft out, but that’s okay. That’s great even, your first draft is shitty, remember? There are so many more drafts after the first one, it’s a big step, but remember its only the first step. So forget about making it great and just make it exist.

I would recommend that you don’t edit during the writing process, if you have an idea, stick a note about it in the appropriate place and keep moving on. If its a major edit, then make a note and continue on as if you’ve already made the change so you have less to do when you’re finished.

Once you’ve finished your draft, I would wait at least a week before you try to do anything with it. Personally, I try to wait for a month after I finish a draft before I look at it again.

But once your wait is up its time to do editing. Some people edit their first draft, and some people, like me, rewrite the whole thing.

Which, yeah, is a ton of work, but I find it worth it. I usually have so many edits to do in the first draft that it’s less of a hassle for me to do it all over again on a fresh draft rather than try to make all the edits I’d need to get the thing presentable.

If you are going to do edits, here’s what I suggest you do:

Start by reading through the draft, don’t change anything, not even a single word, just write it all down as you go. (this is also a good time to pick up all those notes you left for yourself while you were writing and see if they’re still something you want to do)

Be sure to keep track of where the smaller changes are, not just by page number, because once you start doing edits then the page and chapter numbers will probably change and you’ll be lost. Keep track of things by the words around them so you can use the search tool.

Once you’ve finished with that go through the list and arrange everything by the size of the change you’ll need to make. FIrst things that’ll effect the entire draft, then chapters, then pages, then paragraphs, then single line changes.

Make a new copy of your draft, don’t make the changes directly on your actual first draft document, you may want to go back to it later in case you don’t like some changes or there’s a line you want to rescue from it in the future.

Then you pretty much just go through the list.

Once your edits are complete, you’re ready to start looking for an outsider’s perspective. I definitely recommend a Critique Partner, another writer who looks over your draft (often in exchange for you looking over theirs) to see if there’s anything that sticks out from a writer’s perspective.

Some tips on finding a CP:

Find someone near your skill level writing-wise. Finding someone better than you is, always, a huge boon, but remember this is a partnership so they may want someone closer to their skill level.

Having them like or even write the genre that your draft is in would also be a great idea, that way they’ll know the tropes and such of the genre and they’ll also be interested in your book.

Most importantly, find someone you can get along with. Even better, find someone you can be real friends with.

Once it clears Critique, you’re reading to get the reader’s perspective, which means you’re looking for Betas.

Which could be a whole How to Do The Thing on its own, and ehh, it might be but I’ll at least give you a few tips here:

Look for betas in your target audience, if you’re writing a YA book, feedback from a 60 year old isn’t really gonna be relevant.

Most betas aren’t going to know what they’re doing, sure there might be experienced betas out there, but even then, they might not know what you specifically are wanting. Give clear, detailed instructions, ask them to give the most detailed feedback they can.

Don’t be surprised if they immediately ignore or misunderstand these instructions, that’s just the way it is a lot of the time.

Gather more betas than you think you’ll need, a lot of the people who agree to beta for you, and even sound excited about betaing for you, will never be heard from again.

Be polite to your betas regardless, unless you’re paying them, they’re doing you a favor. Yes, it sucks that they ghosted you, or ignored your instructions but there’s not much you can really do.

Once you’ve got your feedback, its time to see what to keep and what to throw out. Everyone will have ideas and not all of them will be good. In fact most of them will probably be terrible. You don’t have to act on every piece of advice, you don’t even have to consider every piece of advice, some people go way the fuck out there with the things they suggest and it can get to the point where they’re writing you a whole new story.

However, sometimes there will be a diamond in the rough so generally you’re gonna have to wade through all the crap. Keep in mind that you know what you want your story to be about and what you want it to be like. This might be a good time to reach out to your CP and see what they think of some of the advice you got.

When you’re decided on all of the advice you’ve gotten and how you want to apply it, you’re ready to start the next draft, which means you get to go back to the beginning of all these instructions and start all over!

Yeah, remember when I said that finishing your first draft is only a tiny part of the writing process for a novel?

But, once again, it is an important part. You can’t start on step two, and the first draft is an important part of learning about your story, your characters, and your style.

#writing help #writing advice #Writing tips #editing help #editing tips #how to do #editing #writing #How to do the thing

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blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 4 years

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1/2 so i’ve been dealing with (read ignoring) an ankle/foot injury for a number of weeks/months. i kept telling myself it was fine because there’s no bruising etc and i was marathon training and had consulted with a pod who showed me how to strap etc. in reality it’s not getting better and it’s been about 10 weeks since the original injury. the marathon has been cancelled. ive pulled back on training but i think i probably need a proper rest... i’m scared that ill put on weight but ashamed that

2/2 this is my fear because i am the first to say it does not matter and weight fluctuates etc etc which i DO believe but i also have a history of anorexia and disordered eating and find change hard. also im scared of losing fitness and having to start again.. i don’t really know what my question is. tell me to take time off? going to try and get a go app & mri scan for see if there’s any visible damage to ankle/foot but don’t know that i’ll be able to with all the restrictions atm... sigh.

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okay hi I weirdly love that you sent me this message, don’t get me wrong that is a shitty spot to be in and I’m sending you a big hug, BUT I feel like I could have literally written this myself I resonate SO much so....hopefully because of that I can say something somewhat useful.

First of all. Take a break. I mean it. Just stop everything for like...a week to start (obviously longer is fine too, but a week might seem less terrifying at first). That doesn’t mean oh I’ll take a break from running but bike 20 miles a day...no! I am also someone who has an EXTREMELY hard time giving myself permission to rest (aside from my rest day) because I will internally debate until the end of time over whether or not it’s necessary etc. etc. and honestly I get a huge sense of relief when a medical professional tells me to take a break because I’m like oh okay cool this is literally their career they know what they are talking about and I’m listening to their advice. BUT especially if you are injured and you ARE injured from what I am hearing here even if you do not technically have the scans to prove it yet, you NEED to rest. If you keep going and pushing through the pain you are going to dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hole and it is going to take WAY longer to dig yourself out. Also, especially given your ED history, I would be extra precautious about handling injuries and ensuring proper recovery. Obviously I know literally nothing about your injury or your ED background, but I would not take a lack of bruising to mean that it’s nothing serious (I’m not trying to scare you here but I feel like sometimes we need to have someone just shove the truth in our face so here you go). If it is something like a stress fracture for instance (which again, I have NO idea the details of your issue so maybe it isn’t), then you might not *see* anything but your bones would LITERALLY BE BREAKING and the more you run on that the more you are breaking them down and the recovery could move from just needing a few weeks rest to needing surgery. Not to mention the long term damage you would be doing to your body. Something I had to really, really come to terms with after I got my stress fracture was realizing I had been underfueling for YEARS and even if I wasn’t actively trying to restrict myself, I had gotten used to not eating enough and that meant my bones were breaking down more and more every. single. day. and it is easiest to build bone density when you are young and gets progressively more difficult as you age so the choices you make today are going to affect you deeply in the future. It’s easy to see it as just one extra run or one skipped snack but the truth is that for those of us who buy into those things we never really stop at one, and all of those “just this one time”s add up. And it’s not good. This past summer I forced myself to take a week off of literally everything not because anything was physically wrong but because I realized I was exercising way too much and significantly undereating and I knew I was on the fast track to hurting myself and causing long term damage.

To your second point about fear of gaining weight- first of all I have so, so, so much respect for you for being able to admit that fear because realistically a lot of us have it, I certainly dealt with it when I was injured, and even if we rationally know that in the grand scheme of things it ~doesn’t matter~ the truth is that coming from an ED background the thought of weight gain is probably going to cause some anxiety! like you said I could talk all day about why gaining weight doesn’t matter and you are more than a number etc. etc. but you and I both already know that. Maybe this is a problematic approach that I’m about to share but honestly if someone had told me this when I first found out about my stress fracture it probably would have relieved anxiety and especially given these wild times I think relieving anxiety is prob a good thing- when I had my stress fracture I didn’t workout for four months. Literally NOTHING. no cross training. no swimming. no biking. no walks. I was on crutches. I literally had to be driven to class. My activity level was at a -12. I ate almost exactly the same as when I wasn’t injured (which, led me to learn I was DEFINITELY under eating), and I gained MAYBE like....5 pounds or less (or maybe none at all it honestly was probably 99% in my head). Literally not enough for anyone at ALL to notice except for me because my pants felt a tiny bit tighter. This honestly made me question a lot of things. For one, I knew I needed to really up my intake when I was allowed to be active again. Two, I started to reallllly question WHY I felt the need to do all this activity if being completely inactive didn’t lead to my body changing much. It made me realize how much I underlyingly relied on exercise to micromanage my body. It was a lot to think about.

ALSO. I didn’t get my period regularly for about 4 years and once that stress fracture hit I made it my MISSION to get it back (and I did!) because that is a huge red flag and I knew that if I wasn’t getting it, that once my bone healed even if I was cleared to run again I was just on track to get another injury because sure maybe THAT injury healed but my shitty bones were still shitty and that meant another injury was just as likely. I decided that gaining a little weight (whatever that meant) was critical because I would much rather be a few pounds heavier than constantly switching between running and injured. Also, more importantly, I want to be able to be active throughout my whole life and if your bones are shit at 21 (when I got my stress fracture) you are probably going to be really f**ked once you are actually the age that people’s bones start to deteriorate.

The most important thing I have learned is that everything you do in terms of over exercise/under eating has HUGE LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES and it is SO easy to ignore that when you are in the thick of it because often you don’t feel those consequences until years later but listen, you do not want to wait for things to get really bad before you decide to start trying to truly, properly recover.

It’s really easy to get caught in that inbetween place of not doing horribly but also definitely not feeling as free as you could when it comes to food/body stuff. Ask yourself WHY you are scared of gaining weight and like I said, operating under the assumption that we know weight gain is okay etc. etc., realistically your body is probably not going to go through some wild change if you just take a break. Think about it, most people barely exercise and they eat whatever and they are all FINE! It’s easy on the internet/social media to feel like everyone is out running 23498239432 miles and eating kale or whatever but most people really aren’t like that and they are getting along just fine.

Also, something that helped me was realizing that I really do not want to spend my whole life constantly terrified that if I eat too much or take a break or whatever my body is going to change etc. etc. and I realized that if i don’t want to spend my whole life worried about that then at SOME POINT I was going to have to just start living how I wanted to because 1. once you start living how you want to you realize the world does not in fact end and you can have your cake and eat it too (ha). and 2. you aren’t going to just suddenly wake up one day and not care about these things anymore, if you really want to be free from it you need to make a conscious effort to live the life you actually want, not the one that is stemmed in fear

In the past year I have grown SO much in terms of food/exercise. And my body has literally not changed. I was holding on so tightly to this perceived control that was entirely unnecessary. Your body is designed to want to stay generally the same (unless of course you are currently in an unhealthy spot) and when you just chill out for a sec you realize that your body is capable of doing naturally what you thought you had to be micromanaging and taking care of all along.

I will leave you with a quote that I heard one time somewhere (how’s that for a source) “You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose”

By letting your body heal

By not making decisions out of fear of gaining weight

By eating what you want

etc.

This was long af and I may have rambled but I hope it helps. Like I said, I’m not trying to scare anyone but also sometimes feeling a little bit of that “oh shit wtf am I doing” feeling is the kick in the butt you need. (but I know it is super duper hard and I am sending you all the love and support and also hoping your foot is something minor)

So yes, take a break, talk to your dr, be super honest with them. When I had my stress fracture my dr and pt were both like ok here’s the deal- rest and eat a lot of food. so I would advise that ;)

#answered

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rosenfey · 4 years

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— THE UPSIDES OF 2019 ✨🎉🎇

It’s always the little things. I went a long way to learn to be content with being alive and even though most of it sucks ass and I have moments when I feel like quitting all, the tiny bits between that are good, are really good and worthy of staying alive to experience. I only hope there will be more of them, but for this year, it was mostly this:

I started being more social irl! Not gonna lie and you probs gonna be like “???? wtf Ambie thats a normal thing to do when you are a normal person” but JOKES ON YOU I am anything but normal - this year I: 1.) went to a social event all alone once 2.) went to a social event all alone where I didn’t know anybody and where people were talking to me. YEAH TALKING. TO ME. 3.) talked to strangers without problems 4.) went out with friends. yes this is an accomplishment, shut up

Probs meds working right but now it’s much much easier for me to turn from shy, aloof quiet creature to the funky little dumbass that will talk your ear off because she has no filter. Good for me. Next year will mean even more nonsense coming from my mouth without fear of being perceived as weird and having weird interests. Rip to people who encounter me, but I am different.

SUMMER! It’s the best time of the year and the only time where I feel truly, unconditionally happy to be alive. I love the sun (certified sun thot here, Solaire ask for my number). This time it was funny, because I had my wisdom tooth extracted in July and that was hell but ALSO I could stay at home and play DOS2 all over again (for the 5th / 6th or 10th time, I lost count). I was home alone for the bigger duration of the time and it felt so good to be playing undisturbed. Best times.

I also started going out more often, especially into the forest. I literally live beneath it, it takes me 5 mins to get there, yes I am blessed, yes you can come visit me, I will share the forest experience with you. There is this meadow that is my favourite place in the entire forest and I always went there during summer evenings - it was still warm of course (don’t even let me start on summer evenings, they ARE the most joyous thing in life ever and I will not change my mind) and I often laid down and basked in the sunlight. That’s how I would describe happiness - it was so quiet and tranquil and warm and utterly as if I was in a different world. There was this doe who frequented the meadow and she was never afraid of me, even started walking closer and closer towards me with time. We ate berries together and just chilled. A spiritual experience.

Speaking of spiritual experiences, I finally found something I could believe in. Not any of the religions, it’s coming from my own heart and soul and it feels so right. I don’t need other people to make sense out of it, because it makes sense to me and that’s all I need. I love the sun and owe her my life more times than I can count. My absolute fave place in the entire world is the castle ruin in my city. I cannot really describe how much I love it there, but I love being there a lot. [I took some photos here] I was really really down one time, crying because I didn’t want to go to uni anymore and was afraid I will be suicidal again and long story short I sat there near the river and watched the sunset until it was pitch dark and people started going home and I just sat there and watched and cried and... I understood. It didn’t make the pain hurt less but somehow, I felt that letting all the emotions out that way helped.

I was more active with my photography! It felt so amazing to be able to go out into the nature and appreciate it by taking photos, trying to “freeze” the memory somehow. I love photography so much, it’s one of my most passionate hobbies.

Learned to love myself even more. Came a long way this year, even started to see myself as beautiful (! my biggest accomplishment probably because it took me my entire teenage years after being bullied at high school and then SOME to realise that) and started to EAT NORMALLY god yes. I still beat myself over that sometimes but I DO EAT quite healthily and my weight is not super alarmingly lower than what it should be. Still gotta go and stop blaming myself for having some extra treats but its GOOD so far!

Learned to let go. All three of my irl best friends left me this year and honestly, I didn’t think I would survive it. But I did. And I met a few nice people here too. I don’t believe that I am truly alone and I know that I will meet the right people who will appreciate me. Being single for 3+ years is very hard and I do cry a lot but... I know that I will not stay alone forever. And what is more important, I finally believe that I DO DESERVE to be loved right. Before, I thought all the people I had crushes on were way out of my league, but tbh? Maybe I was out of theirs.

CREATIVITY? IN THIS BODY? ITS MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK! Gosh I made so many beautiful edits this year, I am so proud! Especially of the World Building June event I was able to do and didn’t miss a single day! Creating something every day for 30 days is quite and accomplishment and I’m proud of myself. It feels awesome to be able to talk about my characters and even though I mostly feel ignored here it feels so amazing in the times when I am not.

WRITING! The thing I am the most proud of! I learned to be more open with my writing, publishing it online more often than years before and I am so happy that I came up with Dead Man’s Wish. I wasn’t this excited for a writing project in years. The support my friends put into my work is beyond amazing and I love you so much.

Meeting @fantasmagoriam irl for the first time was one of my fave things this year. I am so happy to call you my friend and it feels amazing to be truly myself with someone irl, talking about ocs and goofing around! Our talks enlighten my days in the best way and I love you so much.

Getting to know @blueraptorsmain was such a blessing! You are such a sweet and kind and talented person, I am so happy to have met you!

BIG shout out to @jennystahl who is such a delightful person and one of my biggest writing supporters. Thank you so much for having patience with me.

And a lot of others who made my experience here great! @ciriofcintras, @friendowldesign, @toreadours, @lavellane, @cryptcombat, @callmeredhood, @zephyrcrowthorne, @fillianore and all my treasured mutuals I love so much (you know who you are! ♥)

In the next year I wanna:

Get my first tattoo. And don’t faint or die from the pain which is very likely but rip to me I really want that tattoo.

LEARN FRENCH

Finally visit Provence and have a great time. Still in the middle of planning the trip and figuring out organization details but I got green lights and we are GOING. Don’t ever expect me to come back because once I am laying bare chested amidst a lavender field sipping rosé wine and eating grapes it’s over for y’all.

SURVIVE uni. Lol ok not gonna be grim but there is nothing in life I hate more than uni. Peace out. Disgusting, makes me wanna puke. Not cool. I wanna get that degree tho.

Learn to love myself even more. It’s what we all should aspire to, imho. And there is always ways to go.

WRITE. duh. *looks at camera like she’s on the office* Because my ideas are amazing and the world deserves to read about them.

Next year I wanna be more open with posting my stuff here - screaming into the void about my ocs, making edits, posting writing... I wanna be absolutely okay with it all and not feel the fear of being perceived as annoying or that people will not care. They might not care but that is not my problem. Next year is no filter only, baby!

Happy New Year to everybody and hope 2020 will be kind to us. I really hope it will because I want it to be a year when I finally spread my wings and flourish. It’s what we all deserve.

#ambie.txt #if anyone is gonna read this... you have my admiration its so LONG OMG #i didnt want to tag all my mutuals because i dont wanna be annoying gghgnh #but i really love you! i do

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