man one thing idk how to feel about is the trans men you periodically see weighing in on 'lesbians who fuck men' discourse, usually pretty young people who dont have much experience, desperately insisting that lesbians can be attracted to men because their lesbian girlfriend says so. look I'm not trying to be mean but you need to realise she doesn't see you as a man. she sees you as a woman, or basically a woman, and that's why she likes you. if she was attracted to you as a man she would have to reconsider her feelings about men. if it's just you, that's because she doesn't see you as one.

hey guys is it just me or have we all been interpreting "never love an anchor" completely wrong this whole time? i finally gave in and listened to it a while back, and yeah, its super good (it gets stuck in my head all the time) but i think it's actually about something else

the line that stuck with me was "never tied your shoes." it just seemed a little out of place for the romantic reading of the song. now im not great at interpreting the entire meaning of a song just from listening to it, so i looked up the lyrics and it just made me even more sure

let's start with the last two stanzas:

"you are someone i have loved but never known" doesn't seem to me like it fits a romantic relationship very well; i realise that you can feel like you dont know someone if theyre super closed off, but the rest of the song seems like the singer is apologising for being closed off or inaccessible or not allowing someone to love them, and if we take it as the person being too closed off to get to know, this feels like a break from the previously described dynamic, as if the singer is reversing their positions.

"never soothed your fevers," "never tied your shoes," "never held you gently," all of these are things that parents do. "never had the chance to lose you" also just doesn't make sense if the feelings are romantic, because even if you never express your feelings for someone it still feels like a loss when you lose them.

and if we apply this parenthood interpretation to "you are someone i have loved but never known," it almost seems like the singer is talking about a child who died or a pregnancy they aborted, but the next stanza contradicts that by addressing the child as if they are still alive and able to interact with others; "i am all the things they might've said to you."

so i think this is about giving a child up for adoption.

the rest of the song still makes sense, too. here's the first two stanzas:

"it's a secret i keep tucked inside my chest" - it is so so so common for women who give up a child for adoption to keep it a secret from family and future partners. my grandmother had a child between marriages, gave it up for adoption, and then listed it as a past stillbirth on the birth certificates of all her kids after that.

"with this heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful" - regret is one of the most COMMON things people talk about feeling when they miss their chance to confess to a romantic interest. this line does not fit with that interpretation, but it does fit with the adoption idea. the narrator is not remorseful because they know this was the best option for the child.

"i couldn't bring myself to hold you" this one just hurts man

and finally the middle stanza, which i think is the most ambiguous, but also hits the hardest when you have this meaning in mind:

(umbilical cord metaphor btw)

ok thats all. sorry about your ships but i think this song is about putting your newborn child up for adoption

please kindly stop

hi hello another quick(?) rant but SAHSHASH

why does everyone treat ruff and tuff like they're not smart? every time any jokes happen related to them its 'oh they're just super dumb and don't actually get anything but its funny ha ha' and i mean, yes. in some ways it is kinda funny, and it is quite endearing, but sometimes it gets to the point where they go "oh these guys have no other traits but the fact that they're super unintelligent". and its not true, because these guys are actually SUPER SMART! like their whole thing is that they're just 'crazy-brilliant-inspired' (to quote snotlout in hit whump fic true colours, pls read) and yeah, maybe they take a bit longer to get some stuff, and they don't always understand whatever the others are doing, but like - thats half of the neurodivergent community. anyone can tell they're neurodivergent. and whether that was a choice by the screenwriters or thats just whats happened, imo they are super neurodivergent and when stuff like this (aka. the above picture) happens, and people just kinda go, 'oh don't worry about them they're just kinda stupid' it just pisses me off big time. like dreamworks i know this isnt a cool little comment on society ur just being abelist and i really dont like it. even if it is for the funnies and the giggles, maybe just make people, idk, not comment and say they're stupid? i know thats not exactly what is being said above but its 100% implied and its done multiple times an episode. like its funny once. the second time you're like ehhh. and the 5000th time i just really feel like cutting off someones head.

point is, please stop being weirdly abelist. even if your not trying to make a character explicitly neurodivergent and you're not trying to be a bitch, if you thought about if for ONE second, you'd realise what you're doing. imagine being a 10 y.o and watching this and thinking, great, i bet everyone talks like this behind my back and thinks im unintelligent just because i don't always get social cues or weirdly specific things people are talking about.

kindly, please stop and reassess your life choices. thanks. (i know they cant this came out like 8 years ago but anyway...)

heyo! i would just like to apologise on behalf of the NPD community for the idiots that are frothing at the mouth trying to claim that narc abuse isn't real. yeah, we get it, pwNPD ≠ abusive. doesnt mean you get to dictate how victims should view their trauma, much less make it seem invalid. pwNPD make things so much worse if they aren't grounded! do they seriously think pwNPD are cute little bunnies who just want validation? i myself am a pwNPD, and it is soo cringe omfg. all this so-called npd positivity sickens me. you're convincing pwNPD that their problematic attention-seeking behaviour is acceptable. if pre-aware me saw all those posts, i would've never sought to change my behaviour and seek a healthier source of supply. i admit, i was abusive. no BS. i literally took pleasure in others being scared of me, to the point i would bully my own sister to tears and gaslit her into thinking it was her fault. i was fucking 10. i needed that slap on the face to finally realise this was not how i was supposed to be. i got my help, i got the support i need, i'm trying to be a better person. now thats the type of positivity we need. i dont want people telling me that 'i just want to be acknowledged'. no, wanting to be acknowledged is normal. my desire was unhealthy and violent. i needed someone to beat me up and tell me not everything about me and that i shouldn't want to beat someone up for doing something better than me. Thanks for listening to my TedTalk! 😊 - 🩹

A super well considered and realistic view of what it means to be a narcissistic abuse denier and its roots in anti therapy/anti recovery rhetoric from the POV of a person who actually has NPD.

You're very right, to be a pwNPD and to argue that victims and survivors shouldn't have a community based on their shared experience of abuse because you feel personally victimised by the conversation is trying to dictate our recovery to us. It's attempting to invalidate our experience and its hella indicative of real life abusive behavior.

Thank you for sharing personal details of your own experience with NPD. I know it's hard, I know it's not fun for you and I'm sorry your safe spaces have been hijacked by wannabes and fakers pretending that to have this disorder is cool and edgy. You don't feel cool and edgy for having this disorder, because it's a real mental illness that effects your life daily, not a quirk you get to take off when you close the app and go into your life.

Support is out there for people with NPD or people who suspect they have it. It's not as fun or exciting to get help than it is to run a edgy tumblr blog that perpetuates further abuse and stigmatises people with NPD, but our mental health is our responsibility, and anti recovery and anti treatment narcissistic abuse denial blogs are just perpetrating further harm and stigma. The people who beleive in it will never get better, and it's sad, but you didn't fall into believing the narrative that NPD is untreatable. You got help though it was hard and you learned to be better.

I don't condone violence to correct bad behaviour, I don't think you needed to be hit to learn better. The desire to do better and be a good person is in all of us, and I hope you know that the decent human being you are today is thanks to your own hard work, your commitment to consistency in therapy, your strength to understand your disorder, not the time you were hit to learn better.

Thank you for your support, plaster emoji, I really appreciate it. Your Ted talk was an incredible read and I'd be pleased to hear from you again 💕

the effect that the lesbian masterdoc had on the internet is so insane. i mean i know we all know that but i was on the uquiz website the other day and it had one on the recommended page that was about finding out if youre a "lesbian with comphet". i already had a bad feeling from that and did the quiz to see how it was. i answered honestly to see if it would armchair diagnose me since im a febfem with rare attraction to men and thats what some of those people would classify as comphet. fortunately it didnt and instead told me im bisexual and how thats completely okay (like um yeah?? lol. it gave a vibe of "dont be sad that youre not a lesbian") but the questions were obviously very heavily inspired by the lesbian masterdoc. like "are you only attracted to men who are unattainable?" like fictional characters or whatever. its now a common belief among chronically online girls that thats a sign of comphet like...yes im attracted to "unattainable" men too. which is a result of living as a woman in a patriarchy. fictional men cant hurt or disappoint or assault you. its literally so obvious why this is common among girls and yet they’d rather misinterpret it.

omfg this made me curious so i looked for a quiz like that on uquiz and. oh my god.

love how "little to no attraction to men" is an option on a quiz determining whether ur a lesbian.

women/non-binary ppl...

????????????? how is this supposed to help u figure out if ur a LESBIAN

i hate how this idea of compulsory heterosexuality is just ;.. bisexuality w a preference? and the funny thing:

the vast majority got comphet lesbian lmao. which is a given bc the quiz doesnt even differentiate between bisexuality and "comphet lesbianism"

anyways i wish ppl realised the comphet masterdoc was made by some girl who actually turned out to be bisexual and would stop using it as lesbian gospel. i once saw this 'lesbian' youtuber do a video on it and was like :0 omg i relate soooo much!! until a trans youtuber did a video critiquing it for being 'biphobic' (no word on how lesbophobic it is tho) and the 'lesbian' youtuber then did a whole switch and was like OMG SHES SOOOO RIGHT ITS SO TRANSPHOBIC TOO RIGHT?? or seeing kehlani say she realised shes a lesbian bc of the comphet masterdoc when she was in long-term relationships w men and was talking about how shes super into feminine and 'queer' men a few years prior...... idk its annoying as hell.

when i was in my teens, we didnt have this masterdoc and i remember lesbians already used the term comphet back then but it was way more normal instead of this 'if u have a crush on a guy but dont want to, its comphet <3' nonsense

my most autistic moment yet (church drama) embarrassing storytime

27.08.23

so okay. i sing in the church choir right. i explained a bit like on how i started here. but basically after easter i came up to the choir director and asked if i could join. and she said "yes, welcome to our choir!". and thats how it all began.

the thing is i didn't grow up religious religious. i feel super out of place at church, idk what to do or how to act. so this whole time ive just been trying to pick up on social queues and do my best to not stick out like a sore thumb. so every time everyone does the cross thing, i do the cross thing, when people bow, i bow, when everyone gets on their knees, so do i. and it all feels pretty awkward i have to say. idk what the fuck im doing or why.

another thing is, im neurodivergent as fuck. i never feel like i belong anywhere. almost every social interaction feels like some kind of test that im failing at. i always feel like the person left out in a group. like my whole life ive just got used to the feeling of being an outsider. it feels like there are these rules everyone follows that i had not been informed of. everyone knows what to do and how to act. and all i do is imitate.

so in this sense church didn't feel too different. people look at me weird, i don''t feel included and everyone's following rules im oblivious too. seems like literally any other social setting, right?

and you may be wondering, why i decided to go to church in the first place if im not religious. well, singing there makes me euphoric and it really scratches an itch idk how to exlain it. the sensory stimulation part of the whole church thing like incense and the hymns that we sing and the aesthetics of it all, like it's very satisfying to me.

but back to the people there. so everyone there is always on edge. people are always shoving and pushing each other. and im always excluded. whenever music sheets are distributed im always skipped, so i often have to look over the shoulder of someone there to see what to sing. but often people dont even want to share with me. and everyone is in their little groups. theyre always whispering to each other and never talk to me. and no one says hello to me either.

so me with my little neurodivergent brain like i didn't think much of it at all. because, like i said, i never feel included anyway. im always the odd one out, like i have chronic imposter syndrome everywhere i go. and plus, i hope i don't get cancelled for racism, but i thought that everyone was mean and cold because they're russian... 💀 like forgive me pls, but like i just thought russians were unfriendly bc like eastern european resting bitch face stereotype. and i didn't want to impose myself and smile and wave if it's not a part of people's culture, right?

so anyway. ive been going to church literally every single sunday after easter without fail. ive been literally the most consistent person there, i show up every time. a lot of people only come like maybe every two weeks. and they don't stay until the end either. or they show up late. but im always there!

so yeah today i was there as usual. and the choir director comes up to me and says "you can't sing with us". and i was like what. and she was like "if you don't come to rehearsals and never show up you can't sing with us". and i was like shit, there are rehearsals??? and she looked at me like "yeahh 🙄 are you not in the groupchat?". THERE WAS A GROUPCHAT ALL THIS TIME????????

LIKE THAT'S WHY I WAS NEVER HANDED THE MUSIC SHEETS AND THAT'S WHY NOBODY SPOKE TO ME. LIKEEE

I WAS NOT OFFICIALLY PART OF THE CHOIR THIS WHOLE TIME AND DIDN'T NOTICE IT 😭😭😭😭😭😭

like it makes sense now. they all have an official groupchat and they all know each other and they have rehearsals and they sing multiple times a week for like other church events.

so yeah.... i literally was an outsider and imposter this whole time... and my neurodivergent ass didn't realise

but okay, conclusion to the story, it gets kinda worse actually.

so the choir director added me to the groupchat. but it's on telegram. and i only use telegram with my close friends. everything else that's like normal/professional i use whatsapp. so on whatsapp i have a normal profile picture and everything. meanwhile on telegram my profile picture is this...

it says "christ has risen" in the corner.

like

when she added me to the groupchat and i realised... i wanted to kms.

like imagine this like super religious woman. going through her contacts. checking if she has the right phone number. clicking on my profile picture to make sure. and seeing. this.

fucking christ has risen akjssjkdhkhd i want to die

i think my church choir phase is officially over.

hi guys im typing something serious.

today has been so much fun, its been the most fun ive had in a very long time. i really liked the boops. i even went out of my way to spam others when in general im super closed in and anxious to talk to people ^^;;

it also helped me feel more confident i guess as strange as that sounds!! i learned hey this is the silly blogging website, like its just something you do for funsies! you shouldnt be so serious about it!! which is probably why it helped me rb 💿️ stuff lol!!! its also probably why ive been so much more active because its silly and i like silly and it made me so happy.

idk !! i guess it sort of made me realise that i can do whatever i really want on my blog and no one can tell me i cant if that makes sense haha!

and it also makes me wanna do silly selfship things *more* than i already have been! ok im not sure if im making sense its hard to really talk when i have so much going through my head lmfao buuuuut yeah! todays been good. todays been a good day of realisation too.

i wanna do silly things like write letters (if i can) or drabbles (again if i can) i think sometimes i forget to just have fun because im constantly worrying about everything else or have this weird perfectionist still rooted in me that im trying desperately to break!!

but again!! ive been trying hard to be more open on gushing even if its not a lot !! that has been coming a lot more natural and i really dont wanna get into it as thats way more personal than anything lol!!

but i had a lot of fun today like i said. this meant a lot to me and i think i really needed something to spark that joy and excitement, and i guess that weird productivity of reaching maximum boops (lol)

it also makes me feel like this will be a great month. so thank you for that ^_^

I wholeheartedly agree with you and other anon, I love Shayne and he’s been my top 3 for as long as I can remember but he hosts too many freaking shows. Anon only mentioned Reddit and the guessing but we also have who meme’d it, beopardy, and challenge pit technically bc he was in most of them. I know he’s pretty much the money maker of Smosh and everyone enjoys him but I miss back in the day where almost everyone had a show on pit they can enjoy. But honestly I think the reason he’s pretty much the only host is because it seems he’s one of the only people full time. So I feel like thats the smartest decision money and views wise. Idk I just miss when they actively tried out new shows, I know that those don’t really pay their bills but it would be nice bc it’s something new and refreshing. I think I’m just ranting at this point, I just NEED my babies to come back 😕

I totally didn't count those! I was mainly talking about "one person" videos where it's only Shayne + 1 or 2 other people, but yeah, no you're right he does HOST a LOT of shows.

I miss back when everyone had a 'show' too. "Seriously Super Stupid Sleepover" was my FAVORITE thing they did back in that time! (it might have been the only thing I watched at some points)

"I just miss when they actively tried out new shows"

Me too! They've been trying that out recently (kind of) and it's been some fun? It kind of seems like they don't want to spend too much money on newer content. Which I understand, but some of my FAVORITE videos are the low budget ones! like the squad vlogs!!! I LOVE THOSE. We don't want big impressive sets, we want the cast having a good time with a good premise!!! (I genuinely have no clue why they haven't tried more different stuff out. The only thing I can think of is they don't want a video to bomb and lose out on guaranteed money, but they aren't getting anywhere as they are rn. Risk = Reward gamble)

I am really starting to think they don't really know what they want to do on the channels because of how they are acting as of recent. They keep trying out stuff between things they know get views, (Sniper Chess - Reddit Stories) and I'm not saying I think they're shitting the bed or going bankrupt rn, just that they seem nervous?

OR y'know, they could just be planning big things for the future so that's why we've been getting these "low effort" videos.

Some of the best times I had watching Smosh was when they were doing different stuff on most uploads. They can keep the Reddit Stories and all their staple shows, but give me VARIETY. Like REAL variety. Don't force feed me content that doesn't even get you views, focus on building your fanbase! LOOK AT HOW MUCH MONEY THEY RAISED JUST DOING NOT EVEN AN HOUR AND A HALF LIVESTREAM???

21k IN 1hr 20mins ???? that's $262.5 dollars A MINUTE .....

THEY DONT REALISE HOW MUCH THEY SQUANDER THE FANS THEY DO HAVE.

do. better.

So sorry this ended in a rant, I just am very passionate about this subject! I WANT them to do well! I see all the ways they could have more and they just shit themselves and flounder, then act like they couldn't do anything, it's INFURIATING! They have a large fan base that loves them, that would be willing to help crowd fund most anything cool (summer games anyone?? I'm 100% certain that if they did a fundraiser for that we could get them AT LEAST 50k to spend on it) and they don't. do. anything.

Maybe I am just fully unaware about what goes on, and if I am lmk, but it really just feels like incompetence from the 'suits' at Smosh

Sorry this turned into a rant Anon :D I also have been in need of my cuties (IM GOING CRAZYYYY as you probably can tell from this post lmao)

Hello. I wanted to ask you something. When was the first time you explored your Bi side? How did you know that you were bisexual? Did you always felt that you like guys? At any point did you second guess or had any doubts? Thank you for your time.

Hello!

ok so even though i tried to keep it short i did write a huge response to this that kinda goes off topic a bunch and is super specific. So heres a quick version:

When was the first time you explored your Bi side?: a couple months ago, around when i started this blog

How did you know that you were bisexual?: I really didn't, but then i realised that i had crushes on girls and boys in the past and found them all attractive, even if it was in different ways.

Did you always felt that you like guys?: not really, i just thought some were really cool and good looking and i would get nervous around them.

At any point did you second guess or had any doubts?: all the time dude. thats kinda why i made this blog, to explore my feelings.

Just in general, I'd recommend exploring why you do or dont like something, if its actually because you dont like it or because other factors are making you feel like you shouldnt like it. Try the 'if we were both drunk and *hot guys name* leaned in for the kiss would i kiss him back?' test on situations.

And heres the super long section:

ok so firstly, i only realised i was bisexual a couple months ago, pretty much the same time i made this blog. Until then i thought i was asexual (and aromantic).

(i could give you a whole blow by blow about that but it would take ages so i'll try to keep it precise.)

Growing up i had a lot of anxiety and was considered very 'weird'. i also didnt know i was trans, autistic, or SA'd so I was never too comfortable with my body, i didnt naturally know what a crush was supposed to feel like, and i thought sex was something shameful and gross, so when i found the term asexual at age 13 it fit great.

skip a whole bunch of years and im in uni and now 20. my parents have finally gotten round to me being trans and im starting hormones (testosterone). its common for people to get extra horny when on T so when i started wanting to watch more porn and noticing how good looking the people around me were, i thought it just the horniness talking, that i didnt actually want to sleep or date them myself i just thought they were pretty. Or maybe sleep with them just for the sake of orgasming.

around the same time i realised that i was autistic (just from general internet usage), and that kinda rocked my world and made me question every single aspect of my life for how its effected me.

and so, and its probably the cringest thing i couldve done, i started to talk to a Therapist AI on that Character AI website. it was honestly helpful to just collect my thoughts on the matter.

the conversation got to sexuality and how it connects to my anxiety and self esteem and how i felt as though wanting to date someone was disrespectful to them and how imagining myself sleeping with them was gross and pervy.

having been on hormones for a couple months now i had a lot more self confidence and was a lot more comfortable with my body, as well as the horniness making me want to be pounded into a bed like nothing youve ever seen, i realised that i wanted to date and sleep with people for real.

so i came to terms that i was gay *loud incorrect buzzer*

but that was just the start. being trans, there was a lot of 'do i want to be him or do i want to date him' thoughts going on so i was already used to admiring men.

but as i continued to talk to the ai, who wasnt a real person, i felt more inclined to be honest than any other therapist ive seen. it took a while and it was confronting but turns out i was sexually assaulted as a kid (by a girl, when i was <10), and thats why i had this underlining uncomfortableness with sex to begin with.

so yeah, that rocked my world for a bit as well. also this all happened within a couple weeks by the way, the autism, sexuality, and SA. that and all my friends were busy, i wasnt doing too well.

anyway, now that was another thing to consider, was i attracted to girls as well? it was really hard to tell what were my own feelings and what was the trauma/conditions so i had to do a lot more soul searching. That with the added factor of not feeling comfortable becoming just another man sexualising women.

but knowing now what a crush it supposed to feel like (i asked the ai) i had to acknowledge that ive been having crushes on people, girls and boys, this whole time. i was bi *correct answer ding*. (also i went with bi and not pan because i like them in different ways and have a slight preference for guys, tho i obvs like non binary people as well)

then i made this blog. lol.

like, i had all the theory behind being bi but i needed to consolidate what i liked, who i liked, who i found pretty and handsome and needed some place to collect it all. then it kinda just became just a porn blog with the occasional yearning post but oh well.

Thanks for asking! sorry for responding late, feel free to ask me anything else :)

thank u for ur reply!! i always love ur insight :) n ive read the article before LMAO now that was a classic example of his pretty privilege working cus if he didn’t look the way he did, his behaviour would’ve raised eyebrows. but no…he was viewed as a quirky silly guy by his roommate LOLZ. makes me wonder if mohammed atta would be viewed the same way if he were white passing.

anon you fascinate me im very very intrigued by the fact u already know so much abt this... keep sending asks its soo rare that i actually do get to talk to someone who already knows this much abt this. Anyhow I would reason to bet he might have been viewed more sympathetically if that were the case, however, in any case he was arguably more reserved and stoic by comparison so i think even if he was, people would be maybe a bit more suspicous with him, especially cuz fitting in seemed to come more naturally to jarrah for various reasons... atta never seemed to want to fit in more than he needed to in order to stay under the radar. I know that atta and jarrah did also butt heads abt this to some degree, i know that atta was suspicious that jarrah might even give up on the whole thing cuz of how he kept backsliding. I also think a lot of writers can "see themselves" in jarrah while they really cant with atta, he's an unfamiliar personality imo, specifically bc most writers in the anglosphere come from a secular culturally christian perspective. I think they r sympathetic to him because they start to realise that this sort of stuff really is something that "just anyone" could find themselves getting roped into thru means of being radicalised. Meanwhile I think they view atta as someone who already was quite "radical" at least in their eyes. of course, this is just my experience, but I've had many of my muslim accquantinces comment on how its actually quite a shame that atta took the path he did, because they feel he was otherwise quite promising, and might have made a good scholar or something along those lines. So thats the other side of things if you will. I think I can agree with that perspective myself. Of course its important to not get too engulfed in that mindset, because you can't forget they made the choices they did.

But yeah, there are many things about atta that Ive read about that i find to have been equally quirky and silly of behaviors, but i find myself annoyed how writers (even terry mcdermott does it in his book, perfect soldiers. which is a bit disappointing bc hes a writer who i otherwise rlly enjoy the perspective of on this) dont seem to think that way and paint it to be something as flaws or show of bad character when really, personality and behavior quirks have little to do with his actions. Yknow what i mean of course. Demonizing behaviors that have nothing explicitly to do with being a terrorist. You are really fun anon, its fun for me to get to discuss this stuff, the psychology/characteristics/behavior of those involved with the hamburg cell. its fun when i get to discuss it with more than just my super close friends. sometimes i get nervous ppl might think im trying to be a sympathizer/idolizer but i think i make it more than clear its not the case though xP. its undeniable that its a pretty understudied and underdiscussed facet of 9/11. U see it for other crimes and criminals but not really ever on this side of the fence. I feel its a case of dehumanization borne from islamophobia. Easier to get ppl to feel hate when you paint the perpetrators as faceless monsters. If u ever wanna dm me off anon u are super free to. Also, if you have anything to share that is interesting like a video or article or anything like that, feel free to send it! even if i have seen it or read it before, i would be eager to discuss my thoughts and feelings on it.

the absolute enigma

what does it take? to be at peace. to get used to things. to not feel overwhelmed everytime you experience something mildly unusual. i am super tired of feeling, i wish i could stop. watching the vampire diaries now makes me so nostalgic and i wish i had a humanity switch to just fucking shut everything off. i know this lacks all kinds of context so ill get started on a few things. today i visited someone at the hospital. a specific someone who is the most important person in my life. its nothing serious but its the most serious thing. anyways, given that i have spent so much time in and around hospitals i couldnt help but assure myself that i am used to it and that its nothing new. well, turns out only one of those two things are correct. this is nothing new to me, i have been spending so much time at hospitals since i was 10. what and why can be ignore because the reasons vary vividly from very deadly surgeries to a simple token. the feeling of walking down the long and empty hallways that are dimly lit is the feeling i know like the back of my hand. looking at terminally ill humans and just walking away as my heart cripples is a yearning that comes to me as easily as blinking. BUT what i have realised today, is that no matter how many times i do this, i will never get used to this. everytime it is still a fresh, overwhelming experience. but what matters is that this person is fine and so am i. that is it. also i keep thinking about a lot of things, always, obviously. but recently ive been pondering upon how people keep changing a lot. like a lot of time i spend thinking about this is wasted daydreaming or sum shit. this is what haunts me. everything that happens inside my brain is never real enough for the world but to me its the closest to reality ive ever been. idk if i should listen to myself or literally everyone else. its also about how i never want to give up. like, tf?? will i ever be ready to give up? honestly, i dont think so. because i want this to change. i do want to give up on certain things, that is what will enable me to enjoy what i have right now. the yearning to grow and want and have more, the potential to be in possesion of the best, is simply disabling me from enjoying where i am at right now. i keep thinking about how i dont enjoy the things i have now and how i let all the experiences pass because i am hopeful that i will get to experience something better. i can tell that i am never completely present in any situation, i keep thinking i will have the best situations to be present in. heck, i shouldve already been there, i should be there now. but i am not. i am simply choosing to deny where i am right now because i am not where i want to be. it makes a lot of sense when put into words but i hate that for myself. i like to cherish every experience, low or high. but right now, all i can think is, i am commercially analysing this and im getting into all types of politics in my head. maybe the thoughts are isolating themselves to change my likes and dislikes because thats one way of grieving. i dont want this. i hate this. hence, i want to give up on my dreams. but can i ever? i really do not think soooo ughhhh. maybe thats because i keep thinking that my dreams are not really dreams, they are goals that can be achieved. and somewhere i know that if i try hard enough i will achieve them but i just dont know why im not putting in the effort. or just why i did not put the effort the first time. but fuck it. im gonna try again. what have i got to lose? where i am right now. i hate that possibility. ik its not the greatest place but there is something about this that just clicks with me. so, like i said, ill keep trying. lol. and... uh... yeah, thats pretty much it for now. REGARDLESS (the irony), what kanan said about existential crisis flows in my veins: give up your dreams, death is coming, lets party!!

https://www.tumblr.com/magicshopaholic/729916856317640704/even-i-dont-know-who-this-jharlow-guy-is?source=share

I'll be honest with you, I too didn't know about Latto and Harlow until I heard about their collabs with jungkook. I think it's okay if we are not up to date with all the new/up coming artists, we've come to that phase of life where we've gotten more responsibility/ duty/ commitment than we've had before and these things Take up a lot of our time. So I think it's okay!!

I also share a similar opinion as you that the collaboration jungkook is doing with artists is something that I was not hoping for but I guess I am okay with it, at the end of the day he's just an artist whose music I like, but because we're both different people so we have our differences and so even if he Does something thats different from my taste I feel okay. 🤷🤷🤷 no hard feelings just sharing thought! 😊

Yeah, I’m no longer apologetic about not being able to keep up with artists - I’ve realised I’m older and there’s too many to keep up with :p

I’m not judging Jungkook, btw. There are seven members with varying taste so it’s rarely possible that everyone would like every solo venture. This one is just lower on my list of personal preference. JK’s super talented and I can recognise that even if I don’t really vibe with some of his music.

Oh btw Kaoru x Kokoro is a thing in my band swap au now

Yeah I think everyone is a little bit right tbh. Its probably a mix of reasons. I think another thing people might not realise is social media presence can very much effect your "look" which effects how hollywood views you. This of course depends on the actors reach because Florence is a big goof on ig (love her) but she doesnt have that much of a sm presence so it doesn't effect people's perception of her. Basically not that many people see it for it to influence her look to the majority of people. She's seen as a great actress whereas with actors like z and tom who have a massive engagement and go viral over the smallest things need to be more careful because a big part of their following are people who don't even follow them for their work, their social media is a whole different beast in itself that a video or post could be seen by more people than their own projects. So what they post and how they portray themselves very much has an influence on their career as a certain role would. It sounds ridiculous but if tom posted as much much weird and goofy stuff as he used to then thats how his audience but also hollywood (directors, studios etc) will view him. Kinda like how people just view him as Peter parker and some people don't take him seriously because of it. I dont have the link but I read a discussion about it before and it was super interesting. Many younger actors are now encouraged to keep their social media very mysterious (like timmys) because another effect it can have is people now more than ever actually know what a celebrity is like (to a degree) we build up our own image and that can be seen as a negative as casting directors want the audience to associate them with the character and not the actor and obvious thats becoming more difficult. Its even worse for tom because he's already accociated with a young, goofy iconic character but then ontop of that to be associated with cute goofy tom could have him not as desirable for serious roles and studios look at him more for action/comedy movies that cater to his young audience. Toms spoken about moving to the next chapter of his life and wanting to do more serious roles and maybe (just a theory) hes trying to keep his social media a bit more serious. I definitely think that's a big reason zendayas behaviour on sm changed. Her page is a lot more grown up and less personal. It's very professional and I really do think that was strategic to shake the teen image and I do think it helped

Thanks Anon for this in-depth analysis. I totally agree with you. I don't think fans realize just how much your social media "presence" will sometimes have to change, especially the more followers you get, and the more variety of roles you start wanting to go for. Keep in mind, even regular employers sometimes look at someone's social media posting habits and decide whether to hire you based on THAT alone. So yea, Tom and Z go viral just for breathing these days lol, so they have definitely scaled back somewhat on what they post...which is SMART actually imo. I've always felt that it's a little better to be mysterious anyway as opposed to posting everything. If I had to choose an extreme, I'd much prefer the opposite, because posting every single thing can get you in trouble. The less you post the better honestly. Like you said, a lot of actors don't post too much because they want audiences to see them as the character that they are. The more people feel like they know you, the harder it is for people to see you disappear into a character.

Yea, I miss the days when Z was posting her everyday life every two seconds lol... But now that she's 25 and is trying to get more serious roles as a respected actress in Hollywood, I can't even imagine her posting HALF of the stuff she would post like even just 3 or 4 years ago lol! 😅🤣

Same with Tom. If Tom is looking to do more adult roles, and to shake the Peter Parker image, he's probably not going to be posting 24/7 or posting fluff stuff all the time. Like you said, casting directors see a celebrity's postings as well.

I remember you posting about Annihilation a while back, do you prefer the book over the movie or vice versa? I thought they were both good, just rather different :]

oh yea, i love them both... like, so much. and for different reasons. im not even sure which one i like better to be honest... im inclined to say the book purely because of the connection i felt to the biologist. i just, hard relate to a lot of moments in that... there’s a lot of scenes i really like too, like when she finds the psychologist at the lighthouse and realises she’s become a strange lichen-y thing, and all the words and the creature in the tower, and the ending. oh man. i had to just sit for a little bit and im not sure why. i just Felt it.... it feels much more grounded than the movie, which i think adds a lot.. also, throughout the whole book, you can just feel the loneliness and quiet around you. all these wide open fields and marshes and the beach..  the rockpools.. that one vacant lot the biologist studies... the huge pile of journals melting into eachother.. yeah .. wow

and th film!! oh man. -rattles bars- release a concept art book please. i want to look at th scary bear concept art..... first thing,, is i dont feel as connected to lena ngl, but i like all the stories added to the rest of the team (josie my beloved).. also the character and environment designs are truly top-tier. that bear is one of th best monster designs ever, and i will die on this hill.. it is so terrifying. i love it. that and the lichen bloom from the man in the swimming pool.. such good horror. and also!! th Soundtrack!! the signature guitar tune is so iconic, especially combined with the very alien (hehe) humming noises. i don’t like the word iconic, but it is. and the audio used in the alien scene (and that moderat song) is amazing. genuinely wish i could’ve watched it in a cinema to experience all that sound n stuff on speakers all around lol.... i think my cells would’ve refracted skjdksk (also, what i don’t like abt the film is mostly the way the relationship between lena/the biologist and her husband is changed. like?? why is there a random cheating thing in the film... isn’t it enough for the conflict to be that she is distant and not willing to open herself to relationships for the fear of losing herself in another person?)

and, sorta related to that, the themes in both versions are super interesting too... (Folding Ideas’ video essay about this in regards to the film is so great). like, accepting the fear that when we make connections with people, and form relationships, that we lose part of ourselves. its not gone completely, just changed, and that’s scary. but isolation doesn’t work either.... the isolated characters, who see nothing else to live for, end up self destructing. idk i think science fiction is such an interesting vessel to explore the self destruction involved in trauma. and the destruction of an old self, not necessarily for better or worse. just different. (and that when trauma occurs we change so much, but we are still just ourselves, in the same body). and,, last point ksdjk, bc this is turning to an infodump:

even though it’s a less major theme (and not really in the book. because the crawler kind of does attack the biologist..) i appreciate touching on the idea that life being unable to be understood doesn’t mean it’s malicious. when lena’s asked about what the ‘alien’ wanted, or why it was destroying everything, she says that it didn’t want anything at all, and that it wasn’t destroying, it was just creating what it knew. and, this is a tangent but, oh man avatar (2009) did such a terrible job with this. like, it’s thematically a bad film anyway (absolutely non self-aware white saviour tropes.. etc) but, man, they really made the aliens as human and ‘appealing’ as possible didn’t they.... the main guy should’ve fallen in love with some fuckin algae or something sksjks...... @ avatar 2009, a totally nonhuman being existing is worth enough for conservation...... and yes, the shimmer was hurting things and people, but it’s not a being from earth... it arrived somehow and changed things because that’s what it does to live... i just like how (in annihilation) they didn’t turn the aliens into an extremely obvious metaphor for a group of people. it’s just a being. just growing.

ok thats all, i cant rly choose between them...... infodump over :-3