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dont-call-me-baby-posts · 2 years

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Blacking Out and Breaking Hearts - Chapter 36

Blacking Out and Breaking Hearts - Master List

Word Count: 21K (I'm SORRY)

Warnings: Brief mention of the whole Anders thing. They talk about a lot of ~feelings~ in this one! Also you already know there's a bit of smut sprinkled in because I mean ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(If you want more smut just wait for the next one because, you guessed it, it's gonna be straight fuckinnn)

Summary: Y/N is a successful musician, trying to navigate the world of stardom along with her complicated feelings for her best friend, Harry.

Alternatively: The one where they talk about their feelings and they *don't* have sex.

A/N: IM BAAAAAAAACK! Did ya miss me????????

Besties let me be straight up it has NOT been Molly's hottest few weeks/months/however long its been. Definitely not on my hot girl shit. I can't apologize enough. tbh I don't really like this chapter very much, but I've been trying to write it for so long I just will never be happy with it at this point. Please be gentle with me. also please lmk what you think!!!! Next chapter will be a continuation of this and then we'll have the epilogue chapters which I am actually STOKED about!!!!!!!

Chapter 36

The first thing you noticed when you woke up the next morning was how cold it was.

The windows had been left open overnight, the thin white curtains of Harry’s bedroom thrashing around with every gust that came into the room. It was one of those moments where waking up seemed to happen in slow motion, where your brain revved to life like the old computer your parents used to keep in the kitchen when you were a kid. You let out an exhausted breath, already aware that you were waking up far too early for how late you’d been up, as your brain just ticked… ticked… ticked.

Your eyes were somehow dry and wet when you blinked them open, your eyelids scratching against your eyes with every flutter. Your throat was in similar condition, sharp stings radiating down with every swallow. It really was nice leaving the windows open, but you were always reminded of the fact that you had absolutely dreadful seasonal allergies the moment you were pulled out of your slumber.

Your brain was still cold and slow when you realized the weight on your chest. Once you noticed it there, though, everything came crashing down around you in the most beautiful and tragic way. All of those puzzle pieces you thought about so much came tumbling down from the ceiling and onto the comforter you were wrapped in and you were hit like a mack truck by the sudden realization that you were in Harry’s room. In Harry’s bed. And it was Harry that was weighing down your chest.

You always knew you were a sap, maybe not as bad as someone like Logan who cried over everything, but a sap nonetheless. Still, you were rattled to your core when your very first reaction was a tightening of your throat. You had slept flat on your back, waking up now to find Harry nuzzled onto your chest with a leg thrown over yours. He had one had smooshed between his cheek and your chest, his lips slightly parted with sleep, and the other hand wound around yours, finger threaded together like a cross stitch. He was completely zonked, passed out cold as his head raised slightly with each of your unsteady breaths.

He was still here.

You couldn’t have described the feelings that coursed through you if you tried. You were equally parts relieved and devastated. It was beautiful and tragic. It was like you were a whole person again, but on the verge of shattering completely given one more gust of wind through the window to your right.

It was beautiful because he was here. With you. He hadn’t gotten up to run away in the night, and he hadn’t woken you up to tell you off, either. He looked so peaceful, that soft look on his face you had been longing for and dreaming of for months now.

It was tragic because, with the events of yesterday officially behind you, you had no way of knowing what today had in store for you. Maybe Harry would wake up with a clearer head, having finally gotten what he wanted out of you. Maybe he would roll over and tell you you needed to leave and not come back, that you needed to call Bethany and go to that house she had finally managed to find for you.

There was a war waging inside your head less than two minutes after you’d woken up. You replayed every conversation and every interaction from yesterday, and the week leading up to it. You believed, with everything in your cracked and hollow chest, that Harry meant what he said when he said he loved you. You believed that he wanted you to stay and that he had missed you just as hopelessly as you’d missed him. But what if, as much as he meant those things, he ended up having a change of heart? The entire thing was too good to be true and you knew it, so you laid as painfully still as you could, taking breaths so shallow it made your head spin, hoping you could keep Harry asleep just a bit longer. That maybe you could draw this moment out, just for a while. You could stay in this in between, this not-knowing, for even a minute more.

You weren’t sure how much time had passed, and you didn’t dare reach for your phone and jostle Harry from his spot wrapped around you. You just laid there, focusing on the sounds of your breathing mixing with his, trying your best to soak in what was left of him. Harry, who was always fleeting. Harry, who was always temporary. Harry, who never seemed to stay for long even when he said he wanted to. You decided silently that you would take what you could get, even if it was only five more minutes with him. If he woke up and it was all over, you could die happy. Because at least you got those five minutes.

You must have done such a good job pretending to be asleep that you eventually did fall back to sleep, being woken up just as slowly as you’d woken up the first time. This time, though, it wasn’t the sounds of the curtains that wormed their way into your sleep. It was a voice.

“I missed you so much…” You heard from beside you. The weight that you’d felt earlier was still there on your chest, but this time it was accompanied by a hand on your cheek, barely fluttering against your skin. “Please don’t change your mind when you wake up. I want you to stay, Sunflower. You have to stay, okay?”

His voice was so low you could barely tell if you were hearing him correctly. You sucked in a breath, shifting your body slightly so your face pressed into the pillow. You played it off like you were just wiggling in your sleep, and Harry seemed to fall for it, because his little murmurings only continued. You tried your best to listen, his voice muffled slightly as he brought his words to your neck, almost kissing you but just barely grazing your skin.

“I’m going to be so much better. I promise I will be.” You could just manage to make out, the feeling of Harry’s mouth on your neck almost distracting enough for you to tune him out entirely and focus solely on the sensation. You could feel him breathing against you, his free hand still holding yours tightly. He spoke for a while longer, all of the words kept secret for only him and the mattress to hear before he laid his head back down on your chest with a little nuzzle. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you, Sunflower. I missed you so much… Please wake up and be nice to me. Please stay. Please say you’ll stay…”

Eventually his voice trailed off entirely as you continued pretending to snooze, Harry’s hands taking it’s place in soothing every cracked and broken part of you as they skirted across your face and your hands and your arms. He didn’t lay a hand on your chest or abdomen or anywhere on your legs, making sure to keep every touch as gentle and acceptable as possible. You could feel his fingers tracing over the familiar pattern of the freckles on your forearm, connecting the dots as his breathing harmonized with the wind.

After what felt like an eternity, you couldn’t stand the waiting anymore and let your eyes flutter open again. You didn’t want Harry to know you had heard what he’d been saying, worried you might embarrass him, but you couldn’t stand thinking he was feeling the same way about you as you did about him. Like you might change your mind. Like you might not have meant all of the little, lovesick things you’d mumbled to each other the night before.

You turned your head to face Harry, who was now completely still on your chest, pressing a kiss onto his forehead. You wondered if he might have fallen back to sleep, but as soon as your lips met the sleepiness of his skin he was turning his chin up towards yours. His eyes were wide like saucers when they looked up to meet yours, his expression a cross between panicked and excited and barely awake. His eyes were still puffy and tired, his cheeks that shade of rose they normally were when he passed out on the couch or took a nap on your lap. He blinked at you for a second before barely letting his mouth turn up in a smile.

“Hi.” He whispered.

“Hi.” You whispered back.

Things were quiet then, the air of the room moving around you like someone brushing your arm at a party. You both breathed a little unevenly, as if on the edge of some cliff that neither of you were brave enough to be the first to jump off of. Just as you opened your mouth to speak, Harry did the same.

“You first.” You giggled, trying to squashed the part of your stomach that was twisting and thrashing around with nerves. You didn’t dare lift your hands to touch him, keeping them pressed where they were on either side of you.

“You first.” Harry parroted, shaking his head softly. His curls fell down onto his forehead, kissing his eyebrows. You sucked in a breath as quietly as you could, wondering if Harry could feel your heart pounding under him.

“Did you sleep okay?” You settled on asking, not sure what the fuck else you were supposed to say in a situation like this. The unease in the room permeated the blankets and made your legs and hips ache, that same tension that had constricted your blood vessels since you got here back full force as you waited for him to say something, anything.

“I slept really well, actually.” Harry nodded, lifting himself on an elbow as he let out a yawn. “How did you sleep? You didn’t have any nightmares, did you?”

You were flustered and flattered at the same time when he said it. You shook your head softly. “No nightmares, no. I slept really well.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

Harry’s eyes never left yours, and you had to resist the urge to pry yours away. You couldn’t stand the way he was looking at you, so soft and expectant. So beautiful. It made you sick to your stomach and you tried desperately to think of something, anything to say to him to ease the tightness you felt all over. You wracked your brain, trying to come up with some kind of small talk, only to come up with nothing. You were about to give up entirely, to throw yourself into his chest and just forget talking all together when Harry finally spoke.

“You regret it.” He spit out, suddenly sitting up in the bed next to you. The motion stirred the covers on you, letting a cool blast of air hit your exposed legs. “It’s okay if you do. I’m not mad or anything, I swear. I’ll just, uh, I can call Bethany for you if you want and we can figure something out-”

“What are you talking about?” You shot back just as urgently, sitting up so you were face to face with Harry. He didn’t say anything, his face just silently heating. “I don’t want to leave, Harry. I didn’t- I don’t-” The words caught themselves in your throat, and you had to swallow once to clear the way for them to come out. “I didn’t change my mind.”

Harry’s expression didn’t change, still just as serious and uncomfortable as it had been. “You didn’t?”

“I didn’t.” You agreed. You tucked your hair behind your ears, tugging the blanket up to at least cover your lap. “Did you?”

Harry shook his head violently, reaching out to grab your shoulder. “No! What? No, of course I didn’t!” He promised, yanking his hand away as if he had realized what he was doing. He looked back and forth between his hand and your face for a second, as if in shock. “I promise I didn’t. I meant all of it, everything. I meant every word of it.”

You felt that pain in your throat again, the kind you always got when your neck started to warm with tears. You swallowed it down, not wanting to make an absolute fool out of yourself and have Harry think you were completely crazy. You took too long trying to compose yourself, Harry scooting himself closer to you and reaching out like he might touch you again but stopping just short of making contact.

“I told you I would only say the things I meant.” He whispered, eyes flickering between the two of yours. “And I meant all of it. Every single thing.”

Your entire body betrayed you as a broken smile made its way onto your face, your spine folding so that you were collapsing into Harry’s chest. His arms were immediately wrapped around you, his hands smoothing over your back and your arms as your eyes continued to water just enough to be noticeable.

“I meant it, too.” You whispered into his neck, pressing the faintest kiss you could fathom right over his heartbeat. “I don’t want to go, Harry, I don’t. I don’t, I don’t…”

And just like that, whatever invisible wall had been built between you in the night shattered into a million tiny shards, Harry hands engulfing your face and pulling your mouth to his. He kissed you like he meant it, like he had been kept up all night thinking about it, his thumbs running softly under your eyes. You both let out relieved breaths, neither of you caring for the moment that you still needed to shower and brush your teeth. It only took a moment for Harry to lay you back down on your pillow, his body propped on an elbow next to you so that he could hover over your chest.

The kisses turned more feverish, as if both of you had a million things to say and just couldn’t find the words. Harry’s free hand slid down your cheek and onto your neck, pulling you up enough so that he could swallow every little noise you couldn’t help making. After an hour or maybe two minutes or maybe an entire day had passed, Harry let himself break the kiss, falling onto his side so that you were face to face, noses nearly touching.

“I feel like I’m still asleep.” He murmured, voice hushed so that even the birds outside seemed to chirp louder. “Am I dreaming? I feel like I’m dreaming.”

You giggled like a school girl in love, reaching up to pinch Harry’s cheek. “You’re awake.” You breathed, smiling even harder as his dimples lit up his face. “I missed you.”

“I missed you so much more, Sunflower.” Harry insisted, leaning forward to kiss you firmly one more time. “I was so worried you would regret it. I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept thinking I would wake up and you would be gone.”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. Promise.”

Harry’s face reddened again at the nickname, his body visibly relaxing with the tiny confirmation that you’d meant what you said before. You reached out your pinky, only for your hand to be swatted away by Harry’s. He reached out his thumb instead, laughing airily as he watched your brows furrow.

“It’s stronger than a pinky promise.” He clarified, moving his thumb forward again in an invitation for you to do that same. You did what he wanted and wrapped your thumb around his, gripping as tightly as you could with the single digit. Harry smiled, that young kind of smile he always pulled out just when it would hit you the hardest.

“Promise?” He asked again, hand still connected to yours. You nodded your head, mentally making a list of every single thing you had to be grateful for that brought you exactly to this moment. This golden, fragile moment.

“I promise.” You told him, meaning it more than you could have ever conveyed.

///

The two of you didn’t move for at least another thirty minutes, kissing each others faces and telling each other about your dreams and brushing the hair out of the other’s tired eyes. You kissed for so long your lips started to tingle, the rest of your body following suit in a warm kind of daze. You almost felt high, you were so relaxed. Buzzing everywhere.

“I have to pee so bad.” You said eventually, though you made no move to get up. Harry just kept kissing your face and your cheeks and your eyelids, humming like he heard you but also making no effort to let you out of his grip. When you physically couldn’t wait any longer, you pushed him away by this chest, scrunching your face away from his to avoid any further (and much appreciated) affection that might distract you from the problem at hand. “I seriously have to go.” You reiterated, earning a childish groan as Harry threw himself back onto his pillow.

“I s’pose you’re not going to let me come with you?” Harry questioned, eyeing you as you braved the cold and stood up out of bed. You chuckled, trying to flatten out your hair as you shook your head.

“I’ll be right back.” You told him, shivering slightly as the breeze knocked right through you. “I just need to brush my teeth and take a shower.”

Harry sat up then, furrowing his brow in a pout. “What? No.” He said, standing to get himself out of bed to follow you. “I want to shower with you.”

Harry moved passed you to the window, pushing the panes shut so at least a bit of the chill was removed from the room. You crossed your legs, bobbing up and down slightly, and gave a confused laugh.

You wanted to be excited by the idea of showering with him. You were excited. But at the moment, you were entirely too preoccupied with trying not to pee on the floor that you couldn’t even wrap your mind around the idea.

Before you could catch up, Harry was already starting off down the hallway. By the time you’d skittered off to the bathroom, he was already there with a toothbrush in hand.

“Seriously, Harry, I have to pee so bad.” You whined, standing with your hands balled up in fists at your side as you watched him through the mirror. “Please go, just for a second. Please.”

Harry already had a mouthful of toothpaste before you could even finish your plea. He pulled the brush out, voice muffled and mouth full when he spoke matter-of-factly.

“So go pee, then.” He shrugged.

“I can’t!”

“Why?”

You stared at him through the mirror, rolling your eyes slightly. You were in so much pain at this point it was unbearable, your body literally shivering. Harry met your eyes again as he brushed, letting out a frustrated huff as he took in how shattered your expression was.

“I don’t see what the issue is.” He mumbled, spitting into the sink and turning to face you fully. “I’ve literally seen you go to the bathroom with Logan, like, a thousand times before.”

“That’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“It just is!”

Harry stared at you, and you stared at him, neither of you breaking the stalemate for at least a painful five seconds. Finally, Harry sighed dramatically and stomped out of the bathroom, swinging the door closed behind him. You heard him grumble something about “being thrown out in the yard like a dog” as you scurried to yank your shorts down your legs. You barely managed to call out a strangled “Thank you!” before collapsing.

When you were done, hands washed and body much more relaxed, your threw the door back open to find Harry sitting just across the hall on the floor, hands covering his ears. You rolled your eyes at his dramatics, ushering him back inside with a tilt of your head. Harry, as annoyed as he tried to seem, was back on his feet in less than a second, following you back to the sink as he wrapped his arms around your waist.

You brushed your teeth, a bit of a challenge with Harry stuck to your back and face shoved into your neck, but you managed. The more difficult part was when you attempted to wash your face, water splashing up and body barely free enough to lean down to the sink as you wiped your face clean.

When you were finally done you turned to Harry, who immediately pressed fresh-breathed kisses to your mouth. You let it happen when he lifted you onto the counter, situating himself between your legs as his hands cradled your still slightly damp face.

“Let's go back to bed.” He decided, making the suggestion as he bit softly on your neck. “We can just stay in bed all day. We’ll order a pizza or something if we get hungry.”

“You need to go on a run.” You reminded him, only earning another dramatic groan from him. “And we need to make breakfast first. And I have to call my mom today, and I have an interview later…”

“Later when?”

You pulled away, realizing Harry was dead serious. His hands never left you as you two spoke, always touching you somewhere on your arms or legs or face. You took a deep breath, running your hands through your hair.

“Well, I have the interview at 4.”

“That’s hours away!” Harry scoffed, throwing his head back. “We have all day!”

“Yeah, but I have a lot to do before then!” You threw back just as incredulously. “I have to shower and call my mom and I need to do my makeup and get dressed…”

Harry, seemingly without hearing a word out of your mouth, was already hoisting you up into his arms and wrapping your legs around his middle. He spun you around, carrying you out into the hallway.

“You think too much.” He spoke, lips brushing the shell of your ear. “And you can say all you want but there is no way I am leaving this house today. Fuck my run.”

And before you knew it you were being tossed back into your bed, the bed you now shared with Harry, being swallowed by the comforters and warm arms.

You wanted to fight it harder, but you couldn’t bring yourself to actually do it. How could you, when he smelled so good and he kept whispering those things to you? How could you possibly go anywhere when he was kissing your neck like this? He was the moon afterall. You were helpless not to get sucked in with the tide.

///

The night before had been one hazy, lovedrunk, daydream.

After Harry had run off to find you some clothes, you had taken the time to look at yourself in the mirror. You took in the way your skin was glowing, the way your hands shook as they pushed the hair off your shoulders, the way your neck was absolutely devastated by bite marks. You crossed your arms over your chest, feeling somehow even more exposed now that you were alone to look at yourself, barely suppressing the giggles that threatened to rise out of your throat. You were only pulled out of your daze when Harry came back in a moment later, hands still empty.

“I changed my mind.” He said hastily, pulling you into a kiss harshly. “I don’t want you to get dressed yet. I want you to stay just-” He kissed your cheek firmly. “Like-” and then your neck. “This.” and finally your mouth again. You both were totally hopeless and stupid and soft, giggling into each other and smilling so hard you could barely connect your lips no matter how badly you wanted to.

The rest of the night went a lot like that, hours slipping by without you even noticing as you and Harry talked about everything under the sun. Your plans to order celebratory pizza were forgotten, along with your bubble bath, almost as soon as you both had curled up under the covers. “We’ll just stay here for a minute.” Harry had said after pulling you out of the bathroom. “Then we’ll take our bath.”

But a minute turned into hours and before you knew it you had spent the entire night doing everything and nothing at the same time. It was at least an hour before Harry had finally given you some clothes to put on, (you were complaining that you were cold, which was the honest truth), and after that you and Harry found yourself in every corner of the house. The one promise that Harry did end up keeping, to no one’s surprise, was the champagne that showed up on your doorstep. Or, Harry’s doorstep. (You flinched for a second, recoiling at the fact that you were so swept away in the moment that you’d forgotten this was Harry’s house and not your own. You felt a tiny tingle of panic at the thought, but you brushed it off.)

You and Harry talked about everything. Even after spending much of the past week catching each other up on what they had missed, it turned out there were still quite a few things to be shared. Things that you both could actually bring yourselves to say now. Things you couldn’t possibly have confessed to the other before everything was out in the open.

You ended up all over the place, sitting on the floor in the kitchen and laying on the dining room table and sitting on the patio outside. When you were still curled up in bed, not even dressed yet, you and Harry talked about love and relationships and what you both were looking forward to most having one another again.

“We can do whatever we want now.” Harry was humming softly, stroking your hair as he peppered the top of your head with kisses. “We can go wherever we want to. I’ll take you to Italy… We’ll eat all the pasta we want to and we’ll go swimming and I have this house we can stay in that I always go to. And when the pandemic is over you and I can go visit your mom.” Harry gasped suddenly, propping himself up on an elbow. “And you can meet my mom, too! And my sister! You’d love them, I know you would.”

You couldn’t do anything but smile, pressing your cheek into Harry’s chest where he held you. He adjusted his grip on you, wrapping his arms around to stroke along the length of your back.

“And we can have a big party with Anders and Logan and Rachel. And Logan can make those cupcakes she always makes, with the maple syrup in them. And her and Rachel won’t have to worry about anyone seeing them and we can-“

You perked up at that, your eyes widening instinctively at the mention of Logan and Rachel being a couple. You were trained at this point to sit on edge whenever their names came up together, and despite how nice the things falling from Harry’s lips were this was no different.

“What do you mean?” You asked cautiously. You’d not said a word to Harry about them, keeping your promise to Logan even when it came to him. Harry narrowed his eyes at you, looking genuinely confused for a second.

“About what? The cupcakes?” He asked, shaking his head softly. “We can ask her to bring something else, I just like those ones-“

“No-“ You stopped him, huffing out a short laugh at his hang up on the baked goods. “I mean about Logan and Rachel. What did you mean by that?”

Harry’s face flashed with recognition as he let out a hum of understanding.

“I mean cause they’re a couple.” He said plainly, making your skin flash cold for a moment. “Did you think I didn’t know?”

“They’re not-“

“Logan told me about it.” Harry interjected, sensing your unease. “She told me about it a long time ago, actually. I assumed she would’ve told you that I knew by now.”

“She didn’t.” You scrunched your nose, shaking your head side to side. As far as you knew, Logan and Rachel’s families were the only ones who knew aside from you and Anders and Layla. (And by proxy, Max). You felt a tinge of jealousy, though you weren’t sure why, knowing Logan and Harry had been talking this entire time. It wasn’t a shock to you that it had come up. Still, you wondered how long ‘a long time’ was. “When did she tell you that?”

Harry sighed, gazing up at the ceiling. “Gosh… I don’t know. Like September, maybe?”

“September?” You barked, sitting up straighter. Harry flinched, eyes widening as he let out a soft ‘what?’. “She didn’t even tell me until after the Halloween party.”

“I’m sorry-“

“No, no.. It’s okay. I just figured…” Your voice trailed off, your mind replaying everything that had happened the last few months. “I figured she’d tell me first, is all. When did she tell you about it?”

“Don’t tell her I’m telling you this, okay?” Harry insisted. “She was just having a hard time and I remember after that sleepover at your parents house I had called her and asked her if she was okay. Cause you’d said she was being weird, and all…”

“Uh-huh…” You listened intently, trying all the whole not to take it personally how somehow Harry knew Logan’s biggest secret before you’d even seen it coming.

“We talked for a while and she ended up coming over… And she wasn’t going to tell me but she was so upset and it just kind of came out.” Harry grimaced at the memory, eyes flickering across the room over your head. “And she made me swear not to tell, not even you. And I wasn’t going to be a prick and say anything, and she was so upset… I wanted to tell you, especially after the Halloween party, but I couldn’t tell you that I knew she wasn’t sleeping with Christian because then I’d have to tell you how I knew and… and I couldn’t, Sunflower. I’m sorry, I just-“

“Harry, don’t apologize!” You cut him off, smoothing the frown lines on his face with a kiss. “I’m not mad, I’m just… surprised, I guess.” You chewed on your lip for a while before shrugging. “I’m glad she had someone to talk to about it. I felt so guilty for being so mean to her..”

“She wasn’t mad.” Harry said quickly. “She knew what you would think, it was just a lot for her. She told me she wanted to tell you but she was just really scared.”

“I wish she wouldn’t have been..” You frowned, knowing fully well what a big deal it was to someone to come out but still wishing Logan would’ve known right away that you would’ve been supportive of her no matter what. Suddenly you squinted, a revelation dawning on you. “So even though I was freaking out about Christian and her, you didn’t say anything? Didn’t you think it would have made me listen to you after our fight?”

Harry looked shocked, offended even, that you would suggest it. He shook his head more aggressively this time as he spoke. “No. No way. I would’ve taken that to the grave if I had to.” He rushed out, shaking his head again for emphasis. “I wouldn’t have done that to her just because you were upset. I wish I could’ve, and I’m sorry you were so upset… I wish I could’ve helped but I just couldn’t-“

“It’s really okay! Really!” You promised, pressing a heated kiss to his lips. “You’re a great friend, Harry. Im glad she told you.”

You moved passed it after that, silently deciding not to mention it to Logan that you knew Harry knew until it came up on its own. As far as Logan knew you hadn’t uttered a word of it to anyone, and never would. A weight was lifted off of you in some weird way, having at least one other person you didn’t need to guard yourself around. Harry went on, having brushed over the whole thing, telling you more about what he’d do with you now that you were his ‘girlfriend’. (He made sure to emphasize the word each time he said it, drawing out the syllables and wrapping his lips delicately around the word in a smile). He told you how you two would go for walks and he would take you out on a proper date and you wouldn’t have to worry about who saw you. You didn’t dare bring up the fact that you still had both of your teams to think about, that there was still a lot to be discussed before anyone said anything publicly. He just looked so excited, you couldn’t bare squash it.

By the time you’d ended up outside, both of you laying on your backs and staring up at the stars, you were both almost an entire bottle of champagne deep. The ground swayed underneath you as you tried to focus your attention on something solid; the feel of Harry’s hand holding yours, the shape of the trees in the distance, the sound of Harry’s voice. Harry didn’t move to look over at you when he spoke after a small stretch of silence, his body a puddle next to yours the same way you felt right now. He spoke suddenly, giving you no preamble before throwing his question at you.

“Can I talk to you about something?” He asked, his voice rising up above your heads and stirring the stars that hung over you. You felt the words fall back down onto your tingly legs and your hands and your cheeks as you nodded.

“Of course.” You breathed, rolling over a bit sloppily to look at him. Harry threw you a glance before turning back to the sky. “What is it?”

“You don’t have to look at me.” He said softly, hands toying with the strings of his hoodie. “It makes me nervous.”

And so silently you rolled back over, focusing again on the patterns you could see over your head. You wished you knew more about constellations and space and all of that so you could make sense of the shapes you were seeing.

“I meant what I said when I told you I talked about you in therapy.” Harry started, his voice a low rumble in his chest. His fingers still twirled around with his strings, his unease basically pooling on the ground around him and seeping into your clothes. “But that’s not all I talked about. I talked about a lot of stuff, actually… Like, I talked about everything.”

You weren’t sure if this was a pause meant to be filled by you, so you left it empty. Harry crossed his legs and uncrossed then again, before settling on crossing them in the other direction. He was nearly as on edge as he had been at Margot’s house, the topic of therapy and what happened there still seeming to set his skin on fire when he thought of it.

“I just don’t want you to think I wasn’t doing anything while we were broken up. And if you're worried that I’m just going to mess up again, I swear I won’t- or I’ll try not to- and, and… And I learned a lot, you know? I just want you to know that.” He let out a shaky breath, deciding for a few soft seconds what to say. “I just had a lot of stuff to work on and I know you’re probably mad but I need to- I just needed to figure it out, you know? And I’m not perfect yet or anything but I’m still working on it and I promise you I’ll be better this time. Okay? I promise.”

Harry had finally rolled over to look at you, gauging your reaction long enough to see you nod. He laid back down, speaking again before you had the chance to tell him not to apologize again.

“I talked about the band, mostly.” He told you, his breath baited. Your skin prickled all over at the mention. Since you’d known him you and Harry had obviously spoken about One Direction here or there, but honestly he didn’t seem to like to bring it up that often. Mostly he’d tell you stories about going to Rome or things Niall had said to him or the pranks he used to pull on Liam. He never went deeper than that, and despite your curiosity you never pushed him further out of his depth.

So, to hear him bring it up now, totally on his own… It instantly had your heart pounding. You weren’t even sure why, but the simple fact that he was comfortable enough to talk about it even though he hated it had you feeling a mix between apprehensive and flattered and straight up nervous.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You posed hesitantly, not wanting to ask for more than he was ready to give. Out of the corner of your eye you could see him crossing his arms behind his head, his chest rising in a shaky kind of way.

“I do, yeah.” He barely forced out. “I’m sorry for ruining the mood, I just… I can’t talk to anyone about it and I haven’t even told Anders because I know it’ll break his heart. He’s, like, super into Midnight Memories right now…” Harry let out a short, tired laugh. “If you don’t want to listen to me you don’t have to. I just-“

“I want to hear it.” You told him, propping yourself up so that you could meet his eyes. “You can tell me anything.”

Harry just looked at you for a second before turning his head back to the sky. Then, after what felt like an eternity, he started to talk.

And he talked for a long time. He talked about the band and you tried not to think about how your entire life had been a lie as he went on and on about all of the awful things he’d been through. You felt hot tears roll down your cheeks but you suffocated the sounds in your chest so he wouldn’t be able to tell.

“I didn’t hate it, though. I know I’m really lucky and I loved being in the band, it’s just…” He sighed, his voice verging on strained. “I was just a kid, you know? And I didn’t realize it before but I never… I didn’t… I didn’t ever really recover from that, you know? There were so many things that I didn’t get to do, and I know it’s stupid because I got to do so much, but I just feel like I missed out. Like I don’t even feel like a person sometimes.”

You sniffled once, blaming it quickly on your allergies and not on the emotions raging around you. “I’m really sorry.” Was all you could think to say. For what, you weren’t sure. Sorry you’d never asked him about it before. Sorry you had ever even listened to One Direction, or bought their tickets, or watched the interviews you knew now Harry had been so torn up during. Sorry it happened in the first place.

“Don’t be.” Harry waved, shrugging. “I loved it. I just had a lot more to deal with than I thought I did.” He did the thing with his legs again, crossing them a few times before forcing them to settle. “I think with the whole thing, you know… I had a lot of issue with letting people close to me. And I know you said at Margot’s house that I let people in just fine, but I didn’t- I never really let people close to me like it seemed. I was only ever trying to make everyone happy… to make them like me, you know? And then I had all this stuff about intimacy and relationships..

“Anyway, I spent all this time just thinking I was broken when I was just… I don’t know. Just stuck, I guess. And I know I wasn’t a good boyfriend to you before and I know I was mean and I overreacted and I’m jealous and I’m not saying I couldn’t help it, I just…” He moved his legs forward a bit so his toe just barely touched yours, his body searching for some kind of comfort from you even if he couldn’t meet your eyes. “It’s like, when I was forced to kind of tell the world everything about my life it just kind of felt like I didn’t even have anything for myself. And especially when it came to girlfriends, I just… I was always worried I’d mess up and everyone would hate me and think I was awful and so I would just give up. I was always afraid I’d do something wrong. And the press would ask me everything, I was still a fucking teenager and they’d be hounding me about who I was sleeping with, and if I broke up with someone then there’d be stories about it and everyone would call me a womanizer. Even when I really liked someone I always just gave up eventually because I couldn’t go five minutes without thinking everything was going to come crashing down. Like someone would tell the world what a shitty boyfriend I was, or that I was mean… And it just didn’t seem worth it to me. I couldn’t trust anyone. And even once I got out and I thought I was doing better I still let everything get to me. And it’s like Christian knew that, too, and it’s not just because of him that I wanted to break up, it was everything. He was right about everything. He always did that, he’d always hit me where he knew it hurt the most…”

His voice trailed off, but his mouth opened a few times like he had more to say, so you kept quiet.

“I don’t know what I’m saying. I guess I’m trying to apologize for not being, uh… what did she call it? Emotionally available, I guess.” The noises of the city were dying down now, the air becoming a bit stiller as it engulfed you. “I’m not trying to say that what I did was okay, but I just want you to understand it. It was never that I didn’t love you, or that I didn’t care, because I did. I cared so much, about everything. I cared too much. And I could just feel myself giving up and I was so scared all the time and I knew that if I didn’t stop myself I would just push you away and I’d hurt you… And, fuck, I mean… I know I still hurt you so badly, but for the first time I didn’t want to just give up. I didn’t want to keep being that person who was lonely all the time because I couldn’t just let myself be happy with someone. I wanted it to work with you, and even if I had to let you go so that I could work on it I had to at least try.”

Finally, Harry sat up fully, pulling your arm a bit drunkenly so that you would sit up, too. He pulled you in for a kiss, his lips hot and wasted against yours.

“I’m so sorry, for everything.” He whispered against you. You found yourself speechless even though your skin was screaming for him. You wanted to tell him it was okay, that you could be patient and kind and that you would try harder, too. But when his hands wound into your hair and you shimmied yourself onto his lap, you couldn’t bring any words out from your chest. “I love you so much. I’ll be better for you, I promise I will. I’m doing my best.”

His voice cracked in the very last word, and despite the slurred emotion in his voice you could feel him hard pressing against your center. You eased against him, letting a soft whine fall from your mouth.

“Don’t apologize to me again, baby.” You begged, tangling your hands into the hair at the base of his neck. “I’m not mad at you. I understand, and I’m so proud of you, Harry. I’m so proud.”

You weren’t sure when it happened but he was crying, the sloppy, tipsy kind of crying he always did when he was drinking. He kept kissing you, so intensely it knocked the air from your lungs. You felt every emotion at once, your chest literally caving in on itself as you tried to make sense of even one emotion you felt. You pushed Harry away softly, wanting to see his face, but you couldn’t get him to pull off of you long enough, his grip only tightening on your cheeks.

“Harry, look at me…”

“No.”

“Harry-“

Finally you were able to pry him off of you, holding him at a half-arms length by his shoulders. His bottom lip stuck out from his frown in a way that made him look his age and also every age that came before him. He was somehow 16 and 21 and 7 all at once. You wiped under his eyes, cocking your head to the side.

“I’m really proud of you, Harry. I mean it.” You told him, eyes pouring into his everything you couldn’t put into words. “You’re okay. Everything going to be fine. You’re not broken.”

His chin did the thing it always did when he was trying hard not to cry, wrinkling slightly before it all eventually spilled over and he was barely holding himself upright. You tugged him into your chest, kissing him everywhere your lips could reach. He just cried quietly for a while, a theme with the two of you lately. It might have been an hour or two minutes that passed before he sat up, pawing at his face.

“Sorry for that.” He laughed, letting out a puff of air from his cheeks. “I’m drunk I think.”

You laughed with him, kissing him one more time on the cheek. His eyes fluttered shut, taking a second to blink back open once you’d pulled away.

“It’s alright.” You told him, rubbing his arms. “Thank you for telling me all of that. It means a lot that you trust me with it.”

“Only you.” He breathed. “Just you.”

An hour passed by you seamlessly, the sky completely dark now. Harry had kept going, talking on and on about everything he’d learned or talked about in therapy. It was like a can of worms had been opened and poured all over the ground in front of you, soaking into the concrete and seeping into every crack; he couldn’t stop even if he tried. He talked about growing up and his dad and more about the band, this time keeping you pressed close to his chest in his lap but still not meeting your eyes. He breathed against your neck, your face, your hair, spilling out every single ounce he’d been holding in for the last decade.

“I don’t think I want you to call me Harry Fucking Styles anymore. If that’s okay.” He spoke once you’d both finally stood up to get back inside. “I know you think it’s funny but it, uh.. I dunno. It kind of makes me feel bad. So just.. I don’t know. I don’t mind it that much but if you could just-“

“I won’t say it again.” You cut him off, furrowing your brow at his backtracking. “You don’t have to justify yourself.”

“Okay.” He squeaked, smiling a bit shyly. “Thank you.”

The next place you found yourself was stretched out on the dining room table, your heads on opposite ends and feet brushing one another’s shoulders. You weren’t sure why or how you ended up there, but the table wasn’t getting too much use anyway. Harry didn’t talk anymore about the band or therapy or any of that, and you didn’t ask any questions. You told him about the jobs you’d been doing in London before you came to his house, and about how lonely you’d been all by yourself.

“Having the team around was nice and all but you know how it is…” You were rattling on. “It’s just not the same as having you or Logan or Anders around. It’s like I was never alone but I still felt lonely all the time. I even would’ve liked to have Bethany around…”

“I know what you mean.” Harry agreed, pressing a kiss to the top of your socked foot. “I feel that way, too.”

Next you started telling him about all of the things you’d done back in LA while Harry had been away. You told him about how you hadn’t been out much with Logan anymore, but you’d still somehow lost your favorite pair of shoes at some party or another.

“I haven’t even been going out anymore, so I don’t know where they could’ve gone. I got them from a store in St. Louis so I can’t even buy a new pair…” You were complaining, seemingly finding the story interesting enough in your drunkeness to share. “After everything with Anders I stopped going to parties and everything aside from a few, but I still ended up losing them…”

“They’re probably in your mess of a bedroom.” Harry snickered, sitting up on his elbows so he could see you. He looked suddenly very serious, his brows knitting together. “Do you want to talk about that?”

“About the shoes?” You scrunched your nose, giggling softly. “I think I’ll be okay.”

“I mean about Anders.”

You mimicked Harry’s body language, propping yourself up just enough to see him. The ceiling fan above your head whirred in the background, making a soft ticking sound every few seconds like a timer was about to go off if you didn’t think of something to say. Eventually that timer ran out and Harry spoke again.

“You don’t have to or anything, I just thought maybe you’d want to. We didn’t really talk about it a lot.”

He was right. Aside from the first day or two after you’d been here, when you cried in the kitchen telling Harry about what happened, neither of you had brought it up again. It hung over you every single day since it had happened, casting a shadow over every otherwise pleasant moment. Being with Harry was the first time you felt it hang over someone else, too. He was covered in the shade just like you were.

“I don’t know what I’d say.” You finally spoke, palms sticky as they pressed against the wooden table. “I talked about it in therapy a few times but we’re still, uh, working on it. I haven’t really let myself think about it.”

“And what would happen if you did?” Harry asked, his voice holding that same kind of calm doctors and therapists always had. It soothed and rattled you at once. “I just mean, what are you afraid might happen if you talk about it? You don’t have to if you don’t want, but I’ll listen.”

You’d never thought about it that way before. Whenever it popped into your mind, and it did all the time, you just forced it back down where it came from. Because it was scary, and it hurt. It hurt worse than anything you could’ve fathomed before it. Your life was split in two after what happened, consisting now of a “before” and an “after” and nothing else. You’d been cut right down the middle.

“I’m afraid if I talk about it then I won’t be able to pretend it didn’t happen anymore.” You spoke without thinking, realizing as the words came out that it was true. “If I just don’t let myself think about it then it’s like it never happened. And then I don’t have to worry about him.”

Harry just nodded, laying back down on the table so he could watch the fan blades as they spun over him.

“I worry about him all the time.” He shared, instead of asking you for any more. “I worry about him so much it makes me sick. I mean, he always calls me to tell me when he’s not doing well and I’ve been able to help him but what if one day he doesn’t call? What if he decides not to tell me he’s having a bad day and he does something stupid? What am I supposed to do then?”

“I don’t know.” You answered plainly. Because you didn’t know. You’d been down the same train of thought more times than you could count, eventually deciding on ignoring it the same way you had been. Because if you told yourself he was fine and just didn’t mention it, then you had no reason to worry, right? “You know I barely spoke to him for weeks after he got back from rehab. I couldn’t stand it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” You admitted, feeling shitty and gross for saying it out loud. “I still talked to him every once in a while but I usually told him I was busy. I just- I couldn’t even look at him. It’s like the only thing I could think of was the way he looked when I saw him and I was so angry even though I knew I shouldn’t have been-“

“Says who?” Harry frowned, sitting up again. “You have every right to be angry. You’re allowed to feel things even if his problems might seem bigger. You should totally be angry.”

You chewed on your lip, wanting to believe him but still feeling a red hot kind of guilt wash over you. You’d never, ever spoken any of this aloud, even to Logan. And nobody had asked.

“I don’t want to be angry.” You barely whispered. “It makes me feel bad.”

“Well if you ever want to be angry, or if you decide you want to talk about it, I’ll listen to you.” Harry offered sweetly, his hand coming out to rub up and down your extended leg nearest to him. “I won’t ask you about it anymore if you don’t want but I’ll be here if you need me.”

You laid yourself back down, staring at the ceiling. You were conflicted, unsure if you wanted to open that door and step through or if you should keep the key hidden under the mat where it had been for months now. You hadn’t even realized you’d made your decision until your mouth was open and words were coming out and spilling all over your chest.

“Did he tell you it was because of the fight with Christian?”

“Yeah.”

You nodded, assuming that was probably the extent of what Harry had heard. Anders never talked about it, and you never tried to bring it up. You figured he wouldn’t have told Harry any of the details.

“Did he tell you anything else?”

You heard Harry sit up, but you didn’t look up to see him. “No.” He said, sounding a bit sad. “He didn’t.”

“I stayed at his house for a while after the Halloween party. I saw how he was.” You began, arms wrapping over your chest like a comfort blanket. “He slept all the time but I figured he was just healing, you know? But then I left and I started hearing less and less from him and… and I knew something was wrong. I knew something was wrong and I didn’t do anything about it.”

“It isn’t your job to do anything.”

“But I could have.” You choked out, wiping a silent tear away before it ran down your temple to your ear. “I tried calling and he never answered. He never let me come over. I just decided to show up one day and he was with some random girl and… I don’t know. I could tell he was high but he said it was just the medication. And then he told me to leave.”

“Y/N…”

“He told me I was crazy and that he didn’t want to hear me talk about you anymore.” You continued, feeling your neck and shoulder stiffen until they were completely taut. “So I left him alone for a while. But I knew… I knew he was on drugs. I just didn’t want to admit it.”

Harry was sitting up fully, criss-crossed next to your ankles. His hand still traced pattens across your legs as you spoke, encouraging you to keep talking as much as you wanted to.

“Anyway, he calls me one day and he’s telling me how I’ve been a great friend and how he loves me and I just… I knew what he was going to do. He didn’t want me to come over but he promised I could the next day but then the next day came and he wouldn’t talk to me so I just showed up.”

It was quiet for a minute, Harry making sure you were done before speaking. “Is that when you found him?”

All you could do at this point was nod silently, tears scorching your face faster than you could wipe them away. Harry scooted close to you, taking it upon himself to wipe away the evidence.

“You don’t have to talk about it, flower.” He whispered, shushing you softly. “It’s okay. He’s fine. You don’t have to tell me about it.”

You shook your head, sucking in shaky breaths to try and calm yourself. You were afraid for a second that you’d start panicking, but the feeling on Harry’s hands on you kept you rooted. You sat up, pressing your knees to Harry’s.

“I showed up and he didn’t answer so I just walked in.” You began again, sniffling in the ugliest way you could have.

“He never locks his door…” Harry filled the silence, shaking his head. You let out a dry laugh, nodding.

“I know! It’s annoying.” You breathed, taking another deep breath. “But I guess it’s good that he didn’t this day. But, uh, I walked in, right? And it was so quiet, Harry… I could hear the shower running and so I told myself that meant he was fine but I could feel it. I knew he wasn’t okay.

“So I go into the bathroom and I’m honestly hoping I’m just going to walk in on him naked at this point, and that he’ll yell at me or whatever… But he didn’t. And I… I opened the curtain and he was..”

Fuck. You pinched your eyes closed, huffing out harsh breaths to keep yourself from hyperventilating. Harry ran his hands over your hair and your face, whispering softly that it was okay, it was okay, it was okay…

“He was just laying there. He was still dressed and everything but it was like he wasn’t even there. And I just stared at him telling him to get up but he didn’t listen.

“I don’t know how long I stood there but I just kind of snapped out of it and jumped into the shower. I turned the water off and I kept trying to pick him up but he was so heavy… And I tried talking to him but I don’t even know what I said. He was looking at me but it wasn’t- he wasn’t even seeing me, you know?”

You let out another dry laugh, watching your hands wind around each other in your lap. “You know what he said to me when I finally got him to talk?”

Harry’s entire expression looked pained, even his body seeming sad. “What did he say?”

Even though you smiled you still felt yourself cry harder. “He said I looked like a frog. And then he said he was sorry.”

Harry didn’t laugh with you, only wincing softly. His touch recoiled from you so he could run his hands over his face, his own rattling breath sounding out this time.

“Anyway, the paramedics got there and I stayed at the hospital with him for hours until he woke up. I think I blacked out or something, like genuinely, because I don’t even remember waiting there. But he finally woke up and I was so relieved and scared and sick to my stomach, and you know what he said to me?” Harry shook his head. “He told me it was funny. And that I shouldn’t act so fucking serious. And then he cried until he fell asleep.”

Harry didn’t say anything, but what did you expect him to say? What could he possibly say to make any of this better? After a few beats had passed he took your hands in his own, pulling them into his lap. He kissed your cheek once, a totally innocent gesture, before finally speaking.

“That’s fucked up.” Was all he said, making you let out a tiny chuckle. “Seriously, Y/N. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I- I wish I would’ve been there to help. You should’ve just called me and I would’ve been there-“

“I know.” You agreed, knowing that as badly as you wanted to put space between you and Harry at the time that was the only thing that could’ve made it any better. “I know I should’ve. I really needed you, Harry. I needed you.”

Harry tilted his head to the side, squeezing your hands. “I’m sorry-“

“I needed you and you weren’t there.” You repeated, holding your face in your sleeves. “I needed you, Harry. I needed you the whole time, when I was having nightmares and when Anders was in the hospital and- and- and I needed you to finish those Oreos with me. I needed you and you weren’t there and I know I said I wasn’t but sometimes I’m really, really angry about that. I know you needed space and I know you-“

“Don’t say that.” Harry cut you off, his frown cemented on his face now. “I never needed space from you, Y/N. I know you needed me and I’m sorry that everything happened that way… but I needed you, too.”

His breathing was a bit erratic now, his chest rising and falling in rough pants. “I needed you, too. I told you from the beginning that I needed a friend and I know it was selfish of me to expect that from you but don’t ever say I didn’t want you around. Because that’s not true. I wanted you the entire time.”

Your chin was lifted with a single finger, Harry’s hand forcing you to look up at him. “You are allowed to be angry and I’m really, really sorry. But I needed you, too. I was at my absolute worst and I was completely alone. I didn’t have anyone-“ He stopped himself suddenly, closing his eyes for a second. “Sorry. I just mean, I would’ve been there for you. I know why you didn’t want me around but you have to know that I wanted you, too. I thought about you everyday.”

You just nodded, wiping your face one last time. “I’m sorry for saying that.“ You told him, feeling a fresh wave of shame wash over you. After everything Harry had told you, especially tonight, you hated yourself more deeply than ever for what you’d done to him. He’d told you over and over that he needed someone, and you left him out to hang. You didn’t even think about what he might have been going through.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

“It’s okay.”

Harry smiled softly, pulling you into a hug. “So are you guys good now? Anders never told me you weren’t talking.”

“We’re good, yeah.” You told him, pulling out of the hug. “I never really told him I was upset, I just avoided him for a few weeks. Didn’t you think it was weird that he was always with you and not me?”

“I didn’t really know.”

“Yeah, well… We’re fine now.” You continued, plopping your hands down on your thighs. “And he’ll be okay. It’s not like he’s out buying drugs or anything while he’s with his parents so at least I don’t have to worry, right?”

Harry’s face flashed with something you couldn’t quite place, his face paling almost completely white. Then, he just nodded. “Yeah.” He spoke, running a hand over his throat. “Right. He’s fine.”

Like the two of you were trained to do, you brushed off every negative thought and feeling and moved on quickly, putting on some music to lighten the mood. You danced around the kitchen and the living room, finishing off the champagne that had been abandoned outside. When you were both too tired and tipsy to stand you collapsed onto the couch and made out for a while, Harry telling you over and over again how much he loved you and how he’d missed you and how he never, ever wanted you to go.

“I’ll never leave.” You swore to him between breathless pants, pulling him closer. “Never.”

Somehow you ended up on the kitchen floor, Harry for some reason curled up on your lap this time, his chest pressed to your as his head burrowed into your neck. You both giggled softly, telling each other again and again and again how much you’d missed the other.

“This is nice.” Harry hummed happily, snuggling closer onto your body. “Feels good to be held.”

“My legs are numb.” You cackled, not minding at all as you lost sensation because at least you had him close to you. “Are you getting sleepy?”

“Are you trying to get me into bed?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow as he pulled back to look at you. You rolled your eyes, kissing his dimple that had nestled into his cheek.

“Yeah, to sleep.” You told him, your eyes threatening to close. “I don’t think I could have sex right now even if I tried. You took it out of me earlier.”

Harry gasped in faux shock, covering his mouth with a palm. “Sex? Who said anything about sex?” You threw your head back in a groan, smiling even as you tried to act annoyed. Harry’s hand slid up your side under your shirt, his fingers pressing into your ribs as he leaned into your ear. “I’ll just use my fingers instead, huh? I never said I wanted to have sex, there’s a million other things we could do.”

“You can jack off if you need to, but I’m out of commission.” You giggled, turning your cheek a bit to keep his lips from tickling your ear.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” He fired back. And with that you pushed him off of your lap, springing to your feet and running sloppily up the stairs. Harry let out a whine, saying something about how he was “only kidding!”, following close on your trail.

Harry managed to catch up without much of an effort on his part, taking your arm in a single warm hand and yanking you into the bedroom as he stepped around you. In one swift motion he threw you over his shoulder, tossing you onto the bed and letting himself fall directly on top of you. You let out warm giggles against one another, feeling like you were floating on air or maybe somewhere in the ocean or even in space. Everything felt fuzzy and technicolor and beautiful. You tried to push Harry off of you so you could sit up, but he wouldn’t budge.

“I’m sleeping right here.” He breathed against your chest, tightening his grip around you. “M’not moving from this spot. Ever.”

And he didn’t. You stayed up a while longer, listening to Harry talk more about all the plans he had for you now that you were his. The promises pitter-pattered onto the mattress like rain on a tin roof, eventually lulling you both to sleep.

///

Back in the present, Harry kept his word and held you up in bed hours longer than you’d said he was allowed to. He kissed you everywhere, scrolled quietly on his phone, read a book, all while pressed against you or with an ankle crossed over yours or a hand twirling your hair around his finger. Not even for a second were you apart, Harry tiptoing behind you when you went downstairs to get water and keeping up his streak of sitting in the hallway just outside the door whenever you got up to pee. Eventually it was him who needed to get up to use the bathroom, and you in your cocoon of blankets just nodded without much of a thought and continued typing out your text to Logan about what you had been up to. Harry, who had taken at most two small steps away from the bed, stopped in his tracks.

“Aren’t you going to come with me?” He asked, looking over his shoulder at you. He furrowed his brows, genuinely confused why you were still laying down when he had decided to get up. You let out a light laugh, realizing he was deadly serious.

“Go with you to the bathroom?”

“Yeah?”

You just looked at him for a second, him raising his arms in a “what?” gesture, before you finally set your phone down on the pillow next to you and got up. Harry smiled, pleased with himself, taking your hand in his while he walked an entire 20 feet to the bathroom.

He detached his hand from yours, leaving the door open while he went inside. You didn’t think much of it, making mindless conversation the way you had been for hours now about which TV shows Harry had watched as a kid and what movies you thought were underrated. You could hear Harry shuffling inside after a while but you didn’t give it any mind until he stepped around the corner to lean against the door frame.

“-but honestly, I think that the second one was better than the first one just for the fact that-”

Your sentence was stopped right in the middle, a record scratch sounding off in your head as Harry stepped around the corner completely naked. You gasped so hard you started to choke, Harry throwing you a crooked smile as you looked up at him with teary eyes.

“For the fact that what?” He asked, cocking his head to the side as if he were totally at ease. He probably was totally at ease, come to think of it, Harry never shying away from letting you see him. You, for some reason or another, turned your head to inspect the patterns in the woodgrain of the floor. “What’s the matter, hm? Y’alright?”

“I’m great, yeah.” You choked out, still not daring to look up. Harry let out a little giggle, walking back into the bathroom with a lazy “okay then”, the sound of the shower running following a few second later.

You were paralyzed, sat on the hallway floor. You couldn’t breathe, let alone stand. It wasn’t until you heard his voice ring out to you that you were thrust back into your body.

“Aren’t you going to come shower with me?” He asked, your head snapping over to follow the sound. Still you didn’t speak, and you heard Harry pop his head out from behind the shower door. “Y/N? Hello?”

You were going to get into that shower with him even if it killed you, and you were seriously suspecting that it might as your knees rattled and shook as you finally stood up. You tiptoed into the bathroom in a way akin to a child creeping into their parent’s bedroom in the middle of the night. You could just make out the shape of Harry’s body behind the glass, your blood suddenly running as slowly and steadily through your veins as the drops of water were down the shower wall. You pulled your hoodie over your head, tossing your shorts aside with them, and slowly slid the door open.

“How nice of you to join me.” Harry grinned at you, pushing his wet hair out of his face. He pulled you closer to him into the stream, the heat of the water making you let out a little yelp as it made contact. “I was starting to get lonely.”

If you thought you were weak in the knees before, you were basically a puddle by the time you adjusted to the feeling of the warm water on your skin. You stepped fully under the spray, closing your eyes as you turned your face to it, letting out a soft hum. It felt like summer all over, the heat searing through all of your love-softened muscles and making you feel almost dizzy with relaxation.

You felt Harry come up behind you, pulling you away from the water and into his chest so your back was pressed to his chest. He wrapped his arms around your middle, resting his chin on top of your head. His fingers drew patterns lazily on your abdomen.

“This is nice, yeah?” He asked, pressing an innocent kiss to the crown of your head. You hummed in response, leaning your head back onto his shoulder with your eyes still closed. Harry’s hands continued moving across you, coming up to rest on the full of your breasts. You tried not to think too long about how naked you were right now. There was something about the quiet intimacy of it all that made your skin burn under his gaze more than it normally did when he saw you like this, because for the moment neither of you were distracted by anything else other than the soft sound of water falling. Harry’s attention was placed fully on you, and you could feel it everywhere.

“Is that my shampoo?” You asked, trying to keep your mind straight and distract Harry from his fawning over you. You felt him turn his head to look where you were pointing on the rack across from you.

“Yeah.” He said, giving a short laugh. “You didn’t notice that I had it before?”

“I saw it, I just wasn’t sure if it was actually mine or not.” You answered. You turned around so that you were facing him, his hands not straying from you as he kept you pressed tightly to his front. “Is it actually mine? Like from my house?”

Maybe it was the heat from the shower, but you swore you could see a soft blush come over Harry’s face. He smirked, as if that could distract you from it, nodding. “You left it at my house so I kept it.” He shrugged, as if it was nothing.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why did you keep it?”

He paused for a second, chewing on his lip. He shrugged again. “Because I like how it smells.”

You gazed up at him, knowing your face was soft and totally love-dumb. Harry couldn’t help but lean down to kiss you, moving his lips slowly on yours for a few seconds. He eventually moved his lips to your jaw and then into the wet crook of your neck, nibbling and sucking softly. “And it reminded me of you. I couldn’t stand to get rid of it…” His hands tightened around your waist as he sucked harder on your neck. “Couldn’t bear it…”

You smiled, moving your hands into Harry’s hair, knowing that he meant it. You imagined him, all those months ago, sulking around his house collecting all of your belongings you’d left scattered throughout his life. You wondered if he was sad at all while he did it, or if he did it in a hurry… Maybe he had looked into the shower as an afterthought, bag already full of your items, just happening to find your shampoo and conditioner there as he was preparing to head to your house. You imagined he had shoved both into the bag without much of a thought, only to walk into the hallway and stop in his tracks. You could practically see the crease between his brows as he took the shampoo in his hands, looking it over thoughtfully before putting it back where he’d found it. He probably told himself not to think too much about it, promising himself you wouldn’t notice it was missing.

“Why didn’t you just buy some for yourself then?” You asked, biting away your smile. You knew what you wanted him to say, and the look on his face as he pulled away told you he was about to. He chewed on his lip shyly.

“Because that one’s yours.” He answered, “And I wanted to keep part of you just for myself. Figured you wouldn’t notice I still had it.”

“I didn’t.” You told him, kissing his cheek. The air around you was becoming thick despite the airyness of your conversation, the steam from the water running behind you making the space around you feel stuffy.

“And I kept it because-” Harry started saying, shaking his head halfway through. “Nevermind.”

You giggled, pressing a fingertip into one of Harry’s dimples. “Because why?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.” You whined, wiggling your knees. Harry rolled his eyes playfully, looking away.

“It’s embarrassing.”

You lifted yourself on your tippy toes, wrapping both arms around Harry’s neck. You blinked at him a few times, softening him up before making an offer.

“If you tell me what you were going to say then I’ll tell you something even more embarrassing.” You posed, making Harry raise his eyebrows with curiosity.

“How do you know it’s more embarrassing?”

“Because.” You said, trying not to laugh as you considered the idea of actually telling him what you were offering to share. “It’s the most embarrassing thing in the world. Nothing can top it, I promise you that.”

He thought, eyeing you carefully. He pressed his lips into a thin line. His words came out in a rush as he started to speak, his eyes meeting yours in a cautious kind of look.

“After the VMAs sometimes I would use your shampoo right before bed so that the next night whenever I would go to sleep my pillow case would smell like you.” He blurted out. You immediately stuck out your lower lip, letting out a pained kind of whimper.

“That’s not embarrassing!” You promised him, kissing him right on his reddened cheek. “That’s actually really sweet, Harry.”

“Not really.” He laughed, his blush reaching all the way to his naked shoulders. “Just sad, mostly. Pathetic, even.”

“Well I think it’s sweet.” You disagreed. You pressed your cheek onto his wet chest, the residual water left on his skin feeling warm against your face. “I wish I could’ve been there to sleep next to you instead. I’m really sorry.”

“Not your fault, sweetheart.” He whispered, resting his cheek on top of your head. He waited a minute before pulling your face away from his chest. He slapped on a smug expression, raising a brow. “Now it’s your turn.”

You pouted for a second, hopes that he might forget you’d even offered totally dashed. “I don’t wanna say.”

“You have to!” Harry scoffed. “Those are the rules! I tell you, you tell me. You can’t cheat.”

“Fine..” You grumbled, already feeling your ears prickle with embarrassment. Again with the ‘rules’ business... You buried your face in his chest again, not daring to meet his eyes. You spoke into his sternum, your voice muffled entirely by the running water and his body in front of you.

“What was that?”

“I said-” You huffed, lifting your face to meet his expectant gaze. “I used to have a cardboard cutout of you.”

Harry’s mouth fell open, his eyebrows raising nearly to his hairline as he let out a loud giggle. “No fucking way…”

You just looked at him, giving him a sorry kind of look. He laughed again, eyes moving back and forth between yours. “Tell me you didn’t…” He spoke again when you didn’t answer. When you still didn’t say anything he took his face in his hands and started shaking with laughter, knees nearly buckling under him and he bent forward into your shoulder.

“I can explain!” You cried out, grabbing Harry by the shoulders. He looked at you, shaking his head in disbelief. “I didn’t have it in, like, a serious way! Logan bought it for me and-”

“No, no, no! I heard what you said!” Harry cackled. “You can’t backtrack now!”

“No, listen! Logan bought it for my birthday when I was, like, 16! Like as a joke, I swear!”

Harry crossed his arms, biting away his smile. “So what, I’m a joke to you?”

“No, I- I just mean I didn’t, like, buy it for myself or anything.” You crossed your arms, too, taking a step back from Harry. “I’m not crazy, or anything.”

“But you kept it in your room?” Harry asked almost like he already knew. You frowned at him for a second before nodding.

“I did, but-”

Harry put his hand up to stop you. “That’s all I needed to know, darling. I get it- You’re obsessed with me and you always have been. I can’t blame you, no need to be embarrassed.”

You turned away from him, stepping back under the water as if it could wash away the color from your cheeks. Harry just continued giggling at himself as you reached around him to grab your shampoo.

Harry stuck an arm out to stop you. “What outfit was I wearing? Was it one of those fucking blazers?”

“Leave me alone!” You cried out, letting Harry pull you back into him. You frowned against his chest. “I didn’t tease you at all about what you said! You’re being mean!”

“M’not!” He countered, pulling your face up for a chaste kiss. “I think it’s sweet.”

“It’s not sweet, it’s creepy…”

Harry looked at you for a second, grinning devilishly. “I mean, it is... But I won’t hold it against you.”

You rolled your eyes, reaching again for the shampoo. “As if using my shampoo isn’t just as bad, you… you… you weirdo.” You mumbled, earning another belly laugh. You stepped away from Harry, struggling to open the bottle for a second with slippery fingers.

“Let me do it.” Harry stopped you, taking the bottle from you easily. You were feeling a bit grumpy after all of that even though you had been the one to offer to tell him something embarrassing, not even wanting to look at him anymore as you turned around. Your sour mood was only lessened slightly as you felt Harry’s hands move into your hair, massaging the shampoo into your scalp. You closed your eyes, letting your body relax under his touch.

Harry turned you around, instructing you to keep your eyes closed as he rinsed the product out of your hair. Harry hummed softly, some song you remembered him playing for you earlier in the week. Next he combed your conditioner through your strands with his fingers, stopping every once in a while to press his lips against your cheek or shoulder or mouth.

Once your hair was cleaned and conditioned and your brain gone totally fuzzy, Harry grabbed your loofa from the hook attached to the shower wall and poured a bit of your body wash onto it. (You had found some in the bottom of your suitcase a few days after arriving to Harry’s house, slightly to your disappointment. You kind of liked using Harry’s).

Harry raised your arm delicately by the wrist, running the soap over your skin agonizingly slow. If you weren’t careful you were certain you would fall asleep standing up, so you forced your eyes to stay open. You watched Harry as his eyes scanned over every part of you, his gaze following his hands as they moved down your legs and across your chest. You could tell straight away it was turning Harry on as he dragged his hands over you and you tried to force your eyes away from his hardening prick pressed nearly to your stomach.

Harry put away the loofa when he was done with you, pulling you into his chest before you could rinse yourself off. His fingertips dragged up and down your body deliciously smoothly, making you shudder.

“Are you still mad at me?” He asked, his mood shifted completely from his playful teasing a few minutes ago. You were suddenly rendered speechless as you met his eyes, shaking your head. He smiled, giving you another deep kiss. “Good. Because there’s so much I want to do to you and it won’t be nearly as fun if you’re mad at me.” He cocked his head to the side, smirking. “Or maybe it would be, come to think of it…”

You didn’t say anything, just pressing yourself closer to him in the form of a response. You ran your hands up his back, looking up at him without any hint of humor or annoyance. You wanted him, more than anything, to do all the things he so badly wanted to do to you.

Harry looked like he wanted to say more, changing his mind when he looked into your puppy dog eyes. He leaned down, locking his lips with yours in a kiss that was slow and sweet and wholesome. His hands, still slightly soapy, held your cheeks, thumbs brushing over your cheekbones.

“I love you.” He mumbled, deepening the kiss. “You know that, right? I was only teasing you… I love you so much.”

“I know.” You answered breathlessly, hands running down his sides to rest on his hips. “I love you, too.”

He pulled away. “Yeah?”

You panted. “So much, baby.” He smiled down at you. “Kiss me.”

Harry listened, returning his lips to yours like it was a promise. He swore to you how much he loved you with the hands that dug into your hair, with his mouth that moved so effortlessly with your own, with his breathing that you could hear becoming more and more shallow. Eventually you couldn’t stand the anticipation, moving to whisper into Harry’s ear.

“What were all those things you wanted to do to me?” You asked, out of genuine curiosity and the want to spur him on. He just laughed lightly.

“Why? Feeling eager?”

You didn’t bother lying to him. “Yes.”

He liked that answer, kissing you again. You could feel him smiling against your lips and you could practically see the lightbulb flickering on above his head.

“Something about being in the shower just turns you on, huh?” He asked, taking the underside of your jaw firmly in his hand as he moves his kisses to your neck. He turned your face to the side to give himself more access to your wet skin. His free hand came to your belly, slowly dragging down your slippery skin. “Can’t seem to keep your hands off yourself when you’re in here, can you?”

You bit down, sturdying yourself. “It was only twice…” You protested. Harry ignored you.

“I’ve thought about that a lot since you told me about it, Sunflower…” He whispered, kisses landing almost on your ear at this point. “My pretty girl all wet and lonely, thinking about all the things I could do to her…”

You swallowed, the hand just above your throat making it slightly difficult. You couldn’t deny the way your body was burning for him right now at his words, even if it was meant to embarrass you. “That’s what you were doing, right? Touching yourself thinking about all the things you wanted me to do?”

You nodded against his grip as he pulled away to look at you. He wasn’t smiling the way you expected him to be, his face looking serious and almost pained with want. “Tell me what you were thinking about when you made yourself cum, Sunflower.”

You didn’t want to, but your mouth started moving almost instantly anyway. Harry’s eyes watched your lips move as you spoke, his own jaw shut so tight it looked like it would be sore in the morning.

“I was thinking about the Halloween party, when I sucked you off in Rachel’s bathroom.” You panted, swallowing hard again at the end. “I was thinking about how you tasted and how you were pulling my hair and, and…”

Harry cut you off when you found yourself too out of breath to keep taking. He kissed you again, moving his hand slightly lower on your abdomen. “That’s what you were thinking about while you got off? Putting me in your mouth?”

You whined in response, nodding frantically. You knew you must look silly and desperate, but you were falling apart at the seams and you just couldn’t help bending to him. Harry grunted at your answer.

“You’re so hot. You’re, like, the dream girlfriend..” He gushed, speaking into your parted lips as he kissed you hungrily. His facade was cracking a bit, too, the same way yours was. Suddenly he took your wrist in his hand, pulling it down to rest on the soft of your belly. “Show me.”

You froze, feeling a cold wash over you despite the warm water hitting your back. Harry pulled away, swollen lips a dark raspberry color as he stared at you. “Show me how you do it, baby. I wanna see.”

You shook your head, feeling yourself catch fire everywhere. “I can’t-“

“You don’t have to. But wouldn’t it be fun if you did?” He moved to kiss you again, hand tightening even more under your jaw. He moved his lips so they brushed against your ear. “You’ve watched me do it.”

“You like being watched.” You retorted quickly. Harry chuckled, pulling away again.

“I never knew I did, but I guess you’ve changed that for me.” He smirked. You swore the shower was suddenly ten times hotter as his eyes burned into yours. Harry pressed a thumb onto your lower lip, pulling your mouth open. He gazed at your parted lips, wetting his own with his tongue, before continuing. “If you don’t like it that’s fine. But if you at least try for me, I’ll fuck your pretty little mouth just like I did at the Halloween party. You want that, don’t you?”

You nodded.

“That’s what I thought.” Harry grinned, pulling your hand again until it was pressed nearly against your center. Your arm was limp in his hold, not even trying to fight him as he moved you. “Go ahead and show me, baby. Gotta make sure I’m doing it right, yeah? You can teach me.”

You pressed two fingers right on your bundle of nerves, trying to hide the shiver that ran up your spine. “You do it better than I do.” You pouted, still giving Harry a hard time even as you did exactly as he said. He shook his head, eyes flickering down to your hand.

“Teach me, baby.” He repeated. You breathed heavily for a second before nodding shyly. You were immediately pushed into the shower wall, not too roughly, able to tell right away how much Harry was restraining from shoving you into the tile with all his strength. You could basically feel the want rolling off of him as he kissed you hungrily, giving you the courage you needed to start moving your fingers against yourself. You let out a gasp at the feeling, making Harry pull away from the kiss quickly as his eyes snapped down at your hand.

“Fuck, baby…” He purred, sliding his free hand so it rested right on top of yours as it moved over yourself. He kept his other hand on your jaw, pressing you backwards, as he watched your hands move together. “You’re doing great, Sunflower. Bet that feels so good.”

You just moaned in response, the warmth spreading throughout your abdomen almost enough to distract from his eyes on you. Harry slowly moved his hand that cupped your jaw lower so that it was pressed against your throat.

“Is this okay?”

You gulped. “Yes.”

He was quiet again as he watched you, aside from the sound of your heavy breathing mixing together. You were grateful for the closeness of your bodies, somehow feeling a little less embarrassed than you would have had Harry been standing back just staring. Every few seconds, as your arm moved slightly, you could feel Harry’s length brush against you.

You felt that familiar ball of twine winding itself tighter in your belly, warning you that you were already close to finishing. Your heart pounded harder at the realization that Harry would be watching you as you came. He had so many times before, but for some reason this was different.

You looked up at Harry’s face, waiting a few seconds for him to look back at you. Finally he met your eyes, your eyebrows turning downwards immediately in a silent plea.

“Are you close?” He breathed out, his own brows furrowing so tightly you would have thought he was the one getting off. His cheeks were splotchy and red, like always, the familiarity of that same look on his face comforting you slightly. You nodded, giving Harry your best puppy dog eyes.

Harry removed his hand from your throat, making you whine in disappointment. Harry gave you a half smile as his eyes searched every part of your face. His thumb came up again, opening your mouth and pressing against your warm tongue. You immediately closed your mouth around the digit, brows turning down even more as you felt yourself teetering right next to the edge.

Harry’s mouth fell open watching you, his breathing becoming even more uneven. From what you could tell, he was getting off on all of this just as much as you were without even putting a hand on himself. He looked down at your hand again, watching for a second before looking back up at you.

“Can I do it for you?” He asked, face looking almost embarrassed as he asked. “I wanna do it for you, baby, please.”

You nodded desperately, removing your hand from yourself and gripping Harry’s biceps instead with both hands. He didn’t flash a teasing smile the way you half expected, his expression totally fucked out and focused as his fingers found you.

“You did so good for me, baby, fuck.” He panted, running his fingers through your folds. He let out a curse as he felt how wet you were, using the moisture on his fingertips as he pressed against your clit. “It was very nice of you to do that for me, thank you.”

You moaned unabashedly at his praise, sucking harder on his thumb still silencing you in your mouth. Harry kept his thumb there, using his forefinger to grip the underside of your chin, pulling your face up further so that you had no other choice but to look at him.

“You’re so fucking precious.” He gasped, eyes watching your expression carefully. “But I got kind of jealous, to be honest. I want to be the one to make you cum. I do it better anyway, right?” You just whined at him as his fingers began moving even faster. “Answer me. Do I do it better than you do?”

“Mhmm.” You answered obediently, nodding frantically. He finally cracked a smile, nodding his head to mirror yours.

“I know I do, baby. You do it better for me, too.” He kept his pace as you felt the burn in your tummy begin to rise. He could tell immediately just from your face that you were about to cum, pulling you by your chin so that he could whisper in your ear. “Cum for me and I’ll fuck you right here in this shower…”

That was plenty to push you over the brink, your legs nearly giving out as you came under Harry’s fingers. To your surprise he didn’t pull you back to look into his eyes this time, instead quickly taking his thumb for your mouth so that he could hold your head against his chest. He stroked the back of your hair, whispering to you how much he loved you and what a great job you were doing. “That’s so good, baby… Good girl….”

By the time he pulled his hand away, you were convinced you were only able to stay standing due to your hands still gripping hard on Harry’s arms. You looked, seeing the deep indents left in his skin from your nails, your head too foggy as you came down to stop yourself from speaking.

“I hurt you.” You managed to speak through labored breaths. You ran a pointer finger over the marks left on his arm, Harry looking down to watch.

“S’alright. Maybe I like to be hurt a little bit.” He dismissed you, pulling you in for a kiss. “You did so great, sunflower. You came so good for me.”

But you couldn’t move on that quickly, despite your body being pulled into his as always. “What did you say?”

“I said you did great.”

“Before that.”

Harry furrowed his brows, pulling back just a bit. Suddenly he huffed out a laugh, shaking his head. “You mean about being hurt?”

You literally gulped. “Yeah.”

Harry just shrugged, sticking out his lower lip. “I mean, I dunno. Think it’s kind of fun sometimes, yeah?” You could only gape at him, blinking the droplets of water out of your eyes. ��Why? You want to hurt me, Sunflower?”

You shook your head erratically, stumbling over your response. “What? No! No, I just-” You swallowed again, laughing awkwardly. “I just didn’t know if I heard you right, is all.”

“Well if you change your mind just let me know.” Harry teased you further, making you ache all over again for him. He pulled you into a slow, needy kiss. “I’d let you do whatever you want to me, flower. I’d let you do anything and I’d like it.”

You kissed him back, just humming softly in response because their were no words you could possibly say to him after something like that. Harry, after a few seconds more of sloppy kisses, got the same way he always did lately, words tumbling out of his mouth as if he couldn’t stop them if he tried.

“That was so hot…” He panted, kissing you so desperately you could barely keep up. “I liked it a lot, baby, thank you for doing that. You’re the best girl, you hear me? The best. Fuck.”

You reached between your bodies, taking Harry’s length in your slightly shaky hand to silence him. Just as you expected, he sucked in a shaking breath, his rambling coming to an end almost instantly.

“I like it when you tell me I did a good job.” You admitted, deciding to be honest. He continued kissing you, small noises coming from his lips every few seconds as you stroked him.

“I know you do, love.” He responded. He rested his cheek on top of your head, hands coming to settle on your sides. “You really are the best girl. I’ve never done that with anyone, it was…” he paused to swallow, letting out a soft moan. “…exciting.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

You smiled to yourself, pleased. It felt nice that, even if Harry had been with more people than you ever had, there was still something special the two of you could say was only yours. Things he had done with you and no one else. You felt your chest swell with pride.

“I wanna keep going but the water is cold.” You whispered after a second or two. By now the soap had been washed off of your shaking frame, and you were starting to shake a bit from the sting of the cold water splashing you. Harry stopped your hand on him, nodding.

“You get out and go wait for me, okay?” He decided, though you could tell how much effort it was taking to make his voice seem level. “Let me shower and I’ll come lay down with you.”

You nodded, feeling awful that Harry was forced to shower in cold water now that you both had spent off of the warmth on other things. You felt your pulse quicken even still, your mouth going dry. “You want me to go to the bed?”

“Yes, now go.” He commended, pointing towards the shower door. “I’ll be right behind you, okay?”

You agreed, stepping out of the shower and hastily drying yourself off. Your mind was swimming with all of the things Harry had promised to do to you, hoping desperately that he hadn’t just said them in the heat of the moment. You picked up your sweatpants, looking at them for a second as you heard Harry beginning to wash his hair. You took a deep breath, speaking up loud enough to be heard over the water.

“Should I get dressed?” You asked tentatively, sweatpants clutched tightly in your fists. You didn’t have to wait long for Harry’s response, which came almost as soon as your question reached his ears.

“No.” He snapped. You could practically hear how frustrated he was, his voice tight. He poked his head out of the shower door, his wet hair sticking to his face. “Go get in bed and look pretty for me, yeah?”

You nodded, face heating up again. Harry watched you, and you thought you could see him shaking ever so slightly. You figured it was mostly from the icy cold water he was showering in, and partly from how pent up he was. You started to walk out before Harry reached out and grabbed your hand. “Gimme a kiss first.”

You did, leaning in for a quick peck which Harry greedily turned into a heated kiss. He leaned halfway out of the shower, wet hand gripping the back of your head roughly. “I wanna fuck you so bad I think I’m gonna die.” He breathed, pushing you away suddenly. “Now go so I can finish.”

You giggled, unable to stop yourself, skittering toward the bathroom door. You made it out, but not before Harry was able to land a solid slap onto your ass. You looked over your shoulder at him as he watched you leave, shutting the door behind you.

///

“You know, if you’d told me before that you had an interview to do today, I would have been more careful.”

Harry was humming softly in your ear, using a brush to paint foundation over the bruises he’d left all across your neck. You rolled your eyes, holding Harry’s waist as he leaned closer to the work he was doing covering up all your spots.

After your shower, you’d done what Harry said and ran straight to the bedroom. Less than ten minutes later he was coming in, towel draped around his perfect waist, hair messy and wet and dripping onto his shoulders. You’d basically pounced on him once he’d arrived, knowing that this time you were actually going to do it. You could barely stand that wait, enjoying all of the fun and games as much as the next guy but wanting to actually feel Harry inside of you again. Harry had kissed you for a while but dodged your advances, almost freezing up when you hinted at what you wanted. “You have an interview to get ready for”, he’d reminded you, which only made your head spin more. Since when was Harry the type not to take advantage of every available second when it came to sex? He’d made you late on multiple occasions for an extra five minutes with you. Even when you told him you had plenty of time, he just nervously fiddled with his hands and shook his head, insisting that you should get ready and you would do “all of that” later.

And now you were here, getting ready like he’d told you to, enjoying the smell of Harry’s freshly washed hair and trying not to seem too hurt by the fact that Harry had basically turned you down when you tried having sex with him. You tried your best not to think too much of it, but rejection was rejection and he clearly was not interested. He seemed almost unnerved by it, even. In any case, you forced your mind away from that and onto the task at hand.

“I did tell you.” You laughed, “You just weren’t listening to me, apparently.”

“Hm..” Harry hummed, turning your chin with a finger to get to the other side of your neck. He was back to his normal self now, as if nothing had even happened in the bedroom at all. You supposed he must have been right to act that way, since it really wasn’t a big deal. “Must have been distracted, I guess.” He added smugly.

He threw you a sideways smirk, making you roll your eyes again. You really weren’t annoyed; you would’ve let Harry mark you up however he wanted to regardless of what plans you had or what appearances you had to make.

“Distracted using me as a chew toy.” You teased him, feeling his chuckle hit your cheek in the form of a warm puff of air. “How’d you learn to cover up hickies, anyway?”

“You act like I’ve never had one before.” Harry snickered, pulling away a few steps and squinting before setting the brush down. “I’ve seen many makeup artists cover many hickies. I’ve learned a trick of two in my time.”

“It kind of sounds like you're bragging, babe..” You grinned, leaning into his chest. Harry positioned himself between your thighs again where you sat up on the bathroom counter, wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug. “You’re making me jealous.”

“And you expect me to believe Hudson never gave you a hickey before?” Harry’s voice rattled against your ear, an exaggerated kind of annoyance added to his voice at the mention of the infamous ex-boyfriends name. “I bet he did, huh? Makes me angry just thinking about it. Picturing him kissing you like that… Makes me sick.”

“You sound crazy.” You giggled, selfishly enjoying the way Harry always got so bent out of shape when you mentioned his name. “He really was nice, he just-“

“I’ll kill him.” Harry insisted, pulling you away to grab your face. “Next time we’re in St. Louis. Does he still live there?”

“Harry!” You gasped, your abdomen a bit sore from all the laughing you’d been doing. “I was going to say- He’s a really nice guy, but he never made me feel like you do. Not even close.”

“Don’t care how nice he was, Sunflower.” Harry shook his head. “I hate him. I always have.”

“You’re jealous.”

“Of course I am.”

You just stared at each other silently, a subtle blush painting your cheeks. “Imagine how I feel, then. While I was dating Hudson you were dating Kendall Fucking Jenner. That’s, like, the ultimate insecurity. I definitely have it worse than you do.”

“Never heard of her.” Harry laughed, kissing along your jaw. “I’ve only ever loved you. Anyone else I ever slept with… No I didn’t. I have absolutely no recollection.”

“You’re a pest.”

“A pest who made you cum twice this morning.” Harry scolded you, that same cocky expression on his face. “Watch your mouth.”

You couldn’t ignore the way your stomach tightened hearing him say that, but you acted unphased. “Alright, well…” You choked out, hopping off of the counter and passed Harry. “I have an interview to do. You wanna come?”

Harry had already taken your arm in his as you walked past him, tailing along behind you as you headed down the hall. Glued to you the same way he had been since last night. You mentally prepared yourself, getting ready to answer any and all questions that would be thrown at you in only a few minutes. You rehearsed silently what you would say, how you would smile, how fast you would talk. You went over the list of things Bethany always nagged you about, feeling woefully illprepared without her by your side.

You did everything you were supposed to, focusing in as much as you could, and yet you were still distracted by that tickling in the back of your mind. That tickle that had formed as you watched Harry’s face change and shrink when you’d made a move on him. The way his hands had danced around each other. The way he wouldn’t meet your eyes.

As nervous as you were to actually sit down and be a celebrity again after what felt like years, you couldn’t only really think of one thing.

Harry didn’t want to have sex with you.

///

“So how are you holding up, Y/N? How’s it been quarantining?”

You adjusted your position on the chair you were sat in, huffing out a breath.

“It’s actually been really nice.” You admitted with a bit of a smile. “It’s been kind of a shock to the system, honestly. But having some time to just do nothing has really been a nice change of pace.”

You were a digital guest on Jimmy Fallon tonight, something your mom had been talking about incessantly for weeks now. You made sure you were presentable, covering up every spot and making sure every hair was in place the way Bethany would’ve wanted. You sat in the piano room, Harry just a few feet away on the bench twirling a straw around in his glass of juice. You perched yourself in the same spot you and Harry always used for these things, the two of you having designated the bare, plain wall as the best backdrop since it wouldn’t be recognizable as the same place.

“I bet it has been a shock.” Jimmy laughed, though you hadn’t even made a joke. “I’ve been going a bit stir crazy here, but I’ve had plenty of time to spend with the kids and my wife so I can’t really complain.” He took a step back, gesturing to his sweatpants he had on just out of frame. “And best of all, I don’t even have to wear pants to work anymore! It’s, like, the greatest feeling ever!”

You threw your head back in a laugh, standing to reveal your own sweats (or technically Harry’s sweats) under your blouse Harry had picked out for the interview. “I’m wearing sweats, too!” You giggled, doing a spin. “It’s incredible, isn’t it?”

Jimmy just laughed, nodding along. “It really is! So, tell me how you’ve been keeping yourself busy. Working on any new music?”

“Oh, gosh, no.” You shook your head. “I’ve been writing a little bit, but I’m taking a much needed break from everything else. Mostly I’ve just been, you know… eating toast and sitting around doing nothing.”

“And you’re in London, right?” Jimmy asked, “How did that all happen?”

“Well I was already here and the day I was supposed to leave everything kind of shut down.” You breathed, biting away your smile at the now pleasant memory. “So I called pretty much every person I knew and eventually decided to stay with a friend of mine.”

“A friend?” Jimmy teased, eyebrows raising. “A friend that I would know?”

You pursed your lips, turning your chin up slightly. “I don’t think I’ll say.” You teased, flipping your hair over your shoulder.

“So it is!”

You shook your head, waving a hand in dismissal. “No, I’m just kidding. It's actually just an old friend of mine.” You let your eyes flicker up to Harry, who was leaning on a fist now and just…. Staring. And smiling like a schoolboy in love. You remembered what he’d said before in his own interview, when he’d dodged the question about you. You smiled at him for a second before repeating his answer, tearing your eyes away from him long enough to look back at the screen. “For the sake of their privacy, I probably shouldn’t say.”

“Understandable.” Jimmy laughed, nodding along. “So tell me a bit more about this toast you’ve been eating.”

“Well, it’s not very good, for one thing. At least that’s what I’ve been told.”

///

Harry somehow kept pushing all of your plans back today. First he wanted to make out on the couch, which you were happy to agree to, then he wanted to make lunch and repaint your toenails and braid your hair. (“I’m really good at it!”, he’d insisted, tugging on your leg that was outstretched towards him. “Let me see if I can do it!”). Eventually you told him with enough force that you had to call your mom, and he actually relented on the condition that he get to talk to her. You fought him on it for a second before thinking it might be a bit funny surprising your mom with him.

She knew you were here, you’d spoken to her almost every day, but you hadn’t had a chance to tell her what had happened between you yet. So you dialed the phone, holding it out between your bodies as you sat criss-crossed on the floor, pressing the speaker button.

“Hello little frog!!” Your mom sang out. You could hear the TV on in the background, and you could basically feel how cozy your house back in St. Louis felt. “How are you doing, lovebug?”

“I’m great!” You chirped, looking up at Harry who was trying desperately to hide his snickering. “I actually wanted to tell you something-“

“Is it about Harry?” Your mom spit out, voice hushed to a whisper. “Did you talk to him about everything yet?”

“Yeah, actually-“

“How did it go??” She was telling now, springing up from the couch for sure. “Oh, gosh. I’m so excited! What did he say? Did you make up? Did he buy you more flowers again?”

“Mom..” You warned, feeling your face warm. “I- uh, yeah. We made up.”

“Oh my god!!” She yelled, emotion thick in her voice. “Oh my goodness, sweetheart. Oh wow. Is he there? Can I talk to him?”

Before you could answer, Harry was snatching the phone and taking it off speaker, running out of the room before you could stop him.

“Anna it’s me!!” You heard him shouting, a smile in his voice. “It’s me, Harry! Hi! Anna, hi!”

You rolled your eyes, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t expect this from him. You tiptoed down the hall, listening in on Harry who was holed up with the piano.

“Yeah, I know.” Harry was gushing, his footsteps giving away the fact that he was pacing excitedly. “I know…. Yeah… I know!!”

There was a pause, and in the second of silence you realized you were cheesing like a idiot. Your heart felt warm and soft. Like everything was how it was supposed to be.

“I will…” Harry continued. “Yes, I know…. Yes… I promise I will.”

It got quiet before you heard him talk again, his voice now hushed in an effort to keep you from hearing him.

“She is, yeah. She’s good…. Uh-huh… Yes, I’m feeling better… Yeah…” You pressed harder to the door, trying desperately to keep up. “Yeah, I did. I missed you so much, I can’t even tell you.”

Harry laughed at something your mom had said, the noise clear and bright as it entered the hallway.

“You know I only let her stay here so I could talk to you again, Anna. It was all just a ploy…” He laughed again, cackling fully. “And you can tell your husband to watch his back, okay? I mean it. And tell him I say hello.”

Finally he reappeared, swinging open the door like he knew exactly where you’d be standing. You trotted into the room passed him, laying on the carpet on your back as you had your turn to talk to your mom.

“Put it on speaker.” Harry whispered, to which you didn’t even try to argue. You both listened to her rattle on and on about all of the things she’d been up to, like the potluck at work and her attempt to get into knitting. You were so content just listening to her talk that you didn’t even notice at first that Harry had fallen asleep next to you, head resting on your chest and hands folded under his cheek.

“Hey, I have to go.” You eventually said, letting out a tired sigh. “You’ve put Harry straight to sleep with all your yammering.”

“Sounds about right.” She giggled before letting out her own, long sigh. “My little rockstars.. I love you both so very much. Be nice to him, okay? He’s had a rough few months.”

“I am being nice.” You groaned, amazed you’d made it this far into the conversation before she started this line of questioning. “I promise.”

“I mean it, honey. And I’m not even talking about everything between the two of you, either. I mean he’s been through a lot. He’s really had a hard time.”

You frowned, pausing your fingers where they threaded into his hair. “I know, mom.”

“I know you do. I’m just saying.” She paused, a quiver in her voice when she spoke again. “I’m happy for you, sweetheart. I’m just so happy.”

As if on cue, you started tearing up, too. The same as always. “I am, too.” You told her, resting your cheek on top of Harry’s head. “I am, too.”

///

When you woke up, Harry was gone.

And somehow you’d slept for hours. You were passed out on the floor in the piano room, but now you had a blanket tucked around you like a cocoon.

You sat up, back stiff and uncomfortable, joints cracking all over. You rubbed at your eyes, which were still stuffy with sleep, before softly padding out of the room and into the hall. Almost instantly you were bombarded with nagging and traitorous thoughts about how Harry had rejected you earlier, thinking it must not be a coincidence that he had been entirely uninterested and was now no where to be found when he had been glued to you all morning.

You must have done something, or said something, or looked a certain way that made him change his mind. You must have done something wrong to make him switch up on you so suddenly when he’d spent the last 24 hours whispering in the heat of the moment how bad he wanted to fuck you, to bend you over the sink or take you in the shower and push you against the door. You couldn’t for the life of you figure out what had changed since then, considering you were maybe just overreacting, as you continued down the hall. Maybe he really was just worried about your interview. That had to be it.

“Harry?” You called out, a little unnerved by the silence. When there was no answer you went deeper into the house, traveling up the stairs. While you were walking you thought you heard a voice coming from Harry’s room, causing you to freeze for a second to trace the sound. Sure enough, you could hear Harry talking to someone. You took a few steps closer, pausing outside the door to listen.

It reminded you a lot of the night at the Halloween, you crouched in the hall listening in on a conversation you were never meant to hear. In your defense, you weren’t trying to be nosy. You just didn’t want to walk in if Harry was having a conversation about work, or something important. So, you stood there and listened, letting your sore muscles relax at the sound of his voice.

“-and I told her it wasn’t going to fucking happen. She’s still being a bitch about it, though.”

It was Anders talking, which came as no surprise to you.

“Don’t call your mom a bitch.” Harry chastised him, despite the slight chuckle in his voice. “She’s trying her best.”

“Well her best isn’t very fucking good. And she is a bitch.” Anders went on, not joining in on Harry’s laughter. “I just can’t stand it here, man. I’m about to go fucking insane cooped up here. I’d rather be in LA fuckin’ alone. I’d rather be on drugs.”

“Don’t fucking say that.” Harry barked. You could practically see the crease in his brows as he let out a shaky exhale. “You’re going to be fine, okay? You’re okay. Count to ten.”

“I’ve been fucking counting.”

“Well count some more.” Harry stopped him. “Count to fucking one thousand if you have to. You’re okay. Are you hearing me? You’re fine.”

There was a long silence, a silence that sent an ache into each of your bones. You knew it wasn’t the right time to walk in, but you also couldn’t drag yourself away.

“So how did it go with Y/N?” Anders asked after what felt like hours. “Did you tell her how you felt or what?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah I did.” Harry responded. The chill in his voice had completely dissolved now, an airiness to it now that made your chest flutter all over. “I told her everything.”

“You’re a fucking liar.”

“I’m not!” Harry laughed. “I did. I told her everything.”

Anders hummed for a second. “Everything?”

“Yeah.”

More silence. Then a little giggle. “Okay. Oh my god. I’m trying not to lose my shit right now, fuck. Okay.” Anders let out a literal squeal like you’d never heard him make before, forcing you to press a palm over your mouth to stifle your own laugh. “Holy shit. Okay. Tell me everything, okay? Holy shit.”

“Just don’t laugh at me, okay?” Harry giggled with him. You imagined him sprawled out on his tummy, feet kicked up in the air as he spoke. You were almost certain that’s how he looked right now. “So Bethany called and was all like ‘I got a house for you’.”

His impression of Bethany was atrocious, but you gave him points for the subtle aloofness he gave to her quote. She always seemed disinterested and somehow intrigued at the same time.

“No..” Anders gasped. “Did you freak out? You freaked out, didn’t you?”

“No. Or, yeah.” Harry recanted, “I just told her I wanted her to stay.”

“And?”

“And she was all like.. ‘Why should I stay?’”

Anders huffed out a laugh. “Of course she was...”

“Right. But I think I blacked out for the next, like, 45 minutes, because I don’t even know what happened. We just talked about everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yeah.”

“Like how you slept in bed with me for a week because you ‘just missed her sooooo much’?” Anders giggled, earning an offended ‘hey..’ from Harry.

“We decided we wouldn’t talk about that.”

“You decided…”

Harry mumbled something about shutting the fuck up, though the two had succumbed totally to a fit of giggles. They stayed like that for a while, snickering like two kids in the back of a classroom. Eventually the sound died down, just as your abs were beginning to hurt from stiffling your own laughter so hard.

“Anyway,” Harry breathed out in a sigh. “You know what happened next?”

“She told you to fuck off?”

“She kissed me.”

Harry spit the words out in a voice that didn’t even sound like him, the grin more than evident in the sound.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“I’m serious.“

“You’re a lair!”

“I’m dead fucking serious!” Harry continued. You heard him shifting behind the door, probably sitting up. “I thought I was going to fucking die, dude. Like my heart was beating so hard I was actually scared I would have a fucking heart attack.”

“I’m freaking the fuck out right now.” Anders chirped. “I’m freaking out. Holy shit. Holy shit, dude. Fuck.”

“I know!” Harry agreed, “I’m still freaking out. I’ve been, like, shaking all day. She slept in my bed with me and everything last night. Felt like a fuckin movie, man.”

“So you fucked, then?” Anders said, getting an offended scoff in response.

“Shut the fuck up.“

“What?” Anders scoffed right back. “You get laid for the first time in months after literally cuddling me to sleep and you won’t even tell me about it?”

It was quiet for a minute, the gears no doubt spinning full speed in his pretty little head. Finally he spoke again.

“We didn’t have sex.” Harry admitted, a bit quieter now. “But we did, like, everything else. Multiple times.”

“Let’s fucking go!” Anders screamed, “That’s what I’m talking about!”

“I know, right?” Harry bubbled. “It was awesome.”

“Better than just kissing her, for sure.” Anders said. “Been there done that. Kind of underwhelming, to be honest.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“I’m just saying!” Anders laughed. “I’ve kissed her before and it was honestly kind of a bore. Not the best kisser I’ve come across, that’s for su-“

“Yeah, okay, fucker. Remind me how my dick tastes again?” Harry cut him off, though the only edge to his voice was a humorous one.

“The only good part of the kiss, bro.” Anders teased him, making you roll your eyes so hard they almost fell out of your head. “I swear it.”

“Say something about kissing my girlfriend again and see what fucking happens.”

“Girlfriend, huh?”

“Uh-huh.”

It got really quiet for a second after that, when you suddenly heard a sad kind of whimper. It took you a second to realize it was Anders.

“I’m fucking stoked for you, man.” Anders choked out, shoving the emotion out of his voice. “I mean it. I’m losing my fucking mind over this.”

All Harry could offer was an equally as strangled. “Me too.”

“So does this mean we aren’t having sleepovers anymore when you come home?” Anders spoke eventually. “No more rom coms at my place?”

“Don’t be crazy.” Harry giggled. “I wouldn’t give that up for the world, bro.”

///

You weren’t sure how long you sat there, just listening. You felt bad for eavesdropping, really, but the sounds of them talking warmed you up in every corner. You had laid down on the floor now, curled up in a ball as you listened to them talk about movies and new smoothie recipes and who had written more songs in lock down. Eventually, just as you were about to pry yourself off the hardwood to run down the hall to the bathroom, you heard Harry’s tone get serious and soft.

“Can I be vulnerable with you for a second, bro?” He asked. You furrowed your brow for a second, nearly laughing out loud at his choice of words but choking it down just in time.

“Always, brother.” Was Anders' response. They were ridiculous, you decided. Basically an old married couple.

“Don’t laugh.”

“Won’t.”

“Okay…” Harry began, that same hesitation in his voice he’d had so many times with you before. “So you know how I told you we haven’t actually had sex yet? Well, I just… I mean.. Honestly, I haven’t had sex with her yet because I’m too scared.”

You braced yourself for the giggling, but it never came. “Why, man?“ Anders asked, only giving you a split second to commend him mentally for his maturity before he added: “Afraid you’ll bust too fast?”

“No, that’s not-“ Harry spoke, only to let out his own dry chuckle. “I mean, yeah. But that’s not what I mean. I’m just worried because I want it to be perfect, you know? Like I just feel a lot of pressure over it because I fucked it up so bad before and I feel like half the times we’ve even had sex are just bad memories for her. What if I fuck it up?” Anders didn’t say anything, letting Harry totally unload before offering his thoughts. “Like it’s really important to her. And then I’m thinking, you know, what if I do have sex with her and then she decides she wants nothing to do with me? Like what if she changes her mind? I won’t ever come back from that, bro, I won’t. I won’t. It’ll kill me.”

Anders didn’t speak for a while, mulling the words over in his mind. “I think whatever happens will be perfect for her, man.” Anders responded. “If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. She’ll fuckin respect that, dude. Don’t think so much about it.”

“I can’t help it.”

“You can.” Anders said firmly. “You have to. You won’t be able to enjoy all of this if you’re just scared the entire time that it won’t work out.”

Harry sighed, the sound of him being stuck in his head all too familiar to you. “I mean… you’re right. And I’m trying but I just.. Fuck, man. You know? I’m freaking out.”

“So stop.”

“I’m trying to!” Harry insisted, clearly exasperated. “The only reason I’m talking to you now is because I haven’t been able to stay away from her for more than five minutes. She’s asleep downstairs right now and even this is fucking killing me, because what if I go back downstairs and she’s, like, gone? Or she wakes up and decides she wants to leave after all?” He let out an exhausted breath before continuing. “She’s probably fucking sick of me already, I’ve been glued to her all day. Like a fly. And I’m doing everything I can to show her how much I like her, to make it all up to her, and it just doesn’t feel like enough. I just… Fuck, I don’t know. I’m so in love with her it’s like I’m in pain. It hurts everywhere.”

Harry breathed heavily for a second. “I’ve done everything, man. We’re talking like almost ten times, if you know what I mean. I just want her to know I like her, you know? I don’t know how else to prove it other than that.”

“First of all, ew.” Anders groaned. “Second of all, there’s a million other things you can do other than that to prove that you like her. Let your actions speak for you, y’know?”

“Making her cum is an action.”

“That’s-“ Anders let out a deep sigh, giggling jo matter how hard he tried to hold it in. “You know that’s not what I mean. You just need to talk to her. Tell her how you’re feeling.”

“I am.”

“Okay, well fuck me and my advice, I guess.” Anders huffed. “Do you want my honest opinion or not?”

“Give it to me.”

“I think you’re doing that thing where you think something terrible is about to happen when it’s not. You know that thing you’ve been working on?” Harry hummed along softly, probably nodding to himself. “Yeah, that. So just fuckin stop it. I’m telling you honestly that I know for a fact that she’s obsessed with you. Like, actually insane. She acted like she was fine this whole time but she slept in your shirts for weeks, bro. I walked into her house once and she was watching fucking ‘Harry Styles Funny Moments’ on YouTube.”

At that absolutely horrifying admission, (something Anders had sworn he’d never speak of, by the way), Harry let out the sweetest most heart wrenching little laugh you’d ever heard.

“You’re saying that to make me feel better.”

“I really, genuinely wish that I was.” Anders said dryly, making you wince. So much for taking that secret to the grave. “You’re gonna be fine, man. I promise. And if you decide you want to have sex with her-“

“I do. I really fucking do.”

“Jesus, okay. Well, whenever you decide to do that, maybe talk to her first. Tell her how you’re feeling. Have a fuckin heart to heart, bro.”

“Yeah, because that’s really gonna get her going. Hey babe, I know you’re trying to get fucked right now, but would you mind if I talk about my insecurities first?”

“You’ll be fine.” Anders retorted with a snort. “You know how you’re always telling me I’m okay? That I’m going to be fine? I always listen to you, man. So fuckin give me some credit here and just listen to me for once, okay? You’re going to be fine.”

“I’ll be fine.” Harry repeated, albeit a bit shakily. “I’ll be fine.”

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