#but the significance of that moment was acknowledging and giving myself permission to see my own self worth w/out academic identity!!
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Painted Nails
Spencer x Female Reader
Big thankies sent to @zhuzhubii and @clean-bands-dirty-stories for beta reading this!!! Go check them out! This also fulfills my request from @thatsonezesty13 for more sub Spencer!! I have more coming for him as well, stay tuned.
Summary: Spencer’s dom paints his nails for date night and she goes crazy at the sight of them.
A/N: Y’all asked for it!!! This is the one out of three fics people voted to come first. Next up is mismatched then car wash to round out the three.
Warnings: femdom, bruising, marking, leg spreader bar, spitting, begging, praise kink, slight choking, slight edging, cream pie, blanket consent (in the beginning)
Masterlist Word count: 3.5k
The bottle of deep plum colored nail polish sat open on my white vanity, though I wasn’t using it for myself. Spencer’s hand sat delicately in my palm as I painted each nail perfectly, getting him ready for date night. He patiently sat naked on my fluffy white stool as I alternated each finger while standing over him in a black lace lingerie set and stilettos. He was always so good for me, never daring to break any rule that I set for him; he lived to please me. As I finished his last nail I set each palm to sit carefully on the vanity with his fingers spread apart.
“Don’t move sweet boy” I whispered into his ear as I went to go pick out his outfit for the evening. Our walk in closet was mostly filled with my fancier clothes, but to the left side hung Spencer’s nicer cardigans and button ups. My plan was to drive him crazy by wearing a violet colored dress as it was his favorite color, so I decided to go with a similarly colored button up and black cardigan. Moving to his dresser on the other side of the room I searched through the neatly folded clothes to find perfect slacks, socks, and a tie to all match.
He hadn’t moved an inch from where I placed him, being the best sub he could possibly be. I waltzed back over to him with the clothes in my arms ready to dress him and he surrendered his body to me, letting me slip his arms through his shirt and slowly button it up. Draping the tie over his shoulders I expertly knotted the fabric into a perfect half Windsor knot. I always did this every time he wore one, I loved taking care of my sweet boy.
“Thank you m’lady.” He mumbled under his breath almost inaudibly as I finished tying the knot on his solid black tie. My hands wound around the length of the tie and yanked him to my eye level so he could initiate eye contact with me.
“Now I know my sweet boy didn’t just mumble.” My eyes formed a glare as I grabbed his chin with my other hand to reposition him as he tried to escape my eyes.“You know to use your big boy voice when you want to speak to your Duchess.”
“Yes, m’lady. Sorry, m’lady. Thank you, m’lady” His cheeks heated up to form a beautiful blush along his cheeks, he often got embarrassed when I reprimanded him for breaking my rules, he just wanted to be a good boy always.
“Good, sweet boy.” I cooed, loosening my strong grip on the fabric. He let out a slight puff of breath, a silent tell that he was relieved that he wouldn't get a punishment from me tonight.
The silence between us once again surfaced as I finished dressing him, getting him to be the picture of perfection for our date tonight. I stepped back to admire my work, the purple button up I had chosen was set off perfectly by the darker hue of his pretty painted nails. The combo of colors stirred something deep inside me, desire, and I hadn’t even meant to match them so perfectly.
My hands tangled themselves in his hair pulling him down to capture him in a heated kiss, he was caught off guard for a moment, but soon melted into the exchange. Even though my stature was smaller then his I swiftly dominated the kiss, slipping my tongue into his mouth and pulling a deep seated groan from his chest. It quickly devolved into sloppiness, our noses bumping into each other as it became more heated, though he didn’t dare touch me without permission.
Gripping his jaw into my hands I forcefully cocked his head to the side so I could gain access to the column of his throat and suck dark bruises into his neck, adding yet another shade of purple to his attire. When I became unsatisfied with the amount of skin that he was showing I started to forcefully tug at his tie, undoing the impeccable knot I had made earlier. The clothes weren’t coming off fast enough so I tore his shirt open, the buttons popping around me. I did like the shirt, but I needed to gain access to him faster. Soon after he was completely naked besides his boxers; all of the progress I had made to get him dressed was completely nixed, though there was no way we were getting dressed again tonight. In my mind dinner was already cancelled.
I backed him into the edge of the bed and started to pepper hickies further down, covering from the bottom of his sternum up to the edge of his jaw. I pushed down on his shoulders to make him sit perched at the edge of the bed with his feet rooted to the floor. Towering above him I explored his form, adding as many marks as I could to his tan skin while still being careful to not give any relief to his half-hardened bulge, wanting to make him as desperate as possible for my touch. His chest was now laden with hickies, enough that he would have to dig out the concealer I had bought him when we first started dating to avoid teasing from Derek later.
“You look so pretty in purple, I just had to add some more.” The smirk was evident in my voice; I was proud of the petechia that speckled his skin to mark him as my own.
Once I was satisfied that I had painted his chest enough, I moved to capture one of his nipples into my mouth, drawing the second moan of tonight out of him. I carefully bit on the hardened bud while I moved to pinch the neglected other, beautiful whines escaping freely from him now as his hips jutted up from the bed trying to find some relief.
I caught a glimpse of his nails again when he fisted the sheets of the bed. Moving away from his chest, I grabbed one of his wrists letting my gaze fall onto the polish. Instinctively I lurched forward and captured his pointer finger into my mouth as I moved my hips to straddle his. He gaped at me in awe as I began to rock my hips into his own, matching the rhythm with my bobbing head around his fingers.
His bulge was hitting perfectly against my clit building an orgasm slowly from my core, though I decided to pull off and stop before it got anywhere. I still had plenty I wanted to do to him before giving him any release. He sat patiently awaiting my next move, even though I’m sure he would’ve loved to get his release now. The excitement was always better with a significant build up.
“I know I usually tie your hands, but I need them free today to have my fun so we’re doing something different,” I told him while maintaining a stare at his beautified nails. He flashed me an anxious look that would’ve worried me if I didn’t see his pupils deepen in want. I simpered at the look on his face, relishing in the fact that it took almost nothing for him to do anything I wanted. My heels clicked against the hardwood while I sauntered back over to the closet, I shifted through to locate the trunk of toys I had stashed. The trunk held something I had been saving for the perfect day - a leg spreader bar. It suited my mood impeccably. The stainless steel bar was adjustable so I could make him as pliable as I desired. Black leather cuffs were at each end attached to the bar with a delicate but unbreakable chain.
I took a slow walk back while hiding the surprise behind my back; I wanted to build the anticipation for him to an almost unbearable degree. When I finally made my way back in front of him he was sitting at the edge still waiting in bated breath for my surprise. My dominance remained unquestionable even as I sank to my knees, the object still hidden behind my back. I started to press dainty kisses and love bites to his inner thighs causing the bulge in his boxers to grow till he was painfully hard. Swiftly I pulled the surprise out, letting the cuffs dangle in front of him in all its glory.
“This ok Spencer?” Sometimes Spencer got lost in his headspace when I checked in with him, so I always made sure to ask firmly and use his name so he acknowledged me. Anytime I pulled something new for him I always triple checked that he was ok with my actions; I never wanted him to do anything he didn’t want to do just to please me.
“Yes, Duchess.” he whispered breathlessly almost inaudibly with his mouth slightly hung open in the beginnings of a gasp and eyes blown wide with lust.
“What did I say about muttering?” My tone wasn’t aggressive, rather it just held a slight edge to let him know that when it comes to consent I want to hear every word clear as a bell.
“Sorry again Duchess.” His voice clear but squeaky as he cowered at my reaction.
“Do that again tonight and you won’t get a reward.” I simply stated whilst I pulled his boxers down and began to attach the cuffs around his ankles making sure they were snug but not uncomfortable.
“Not too tight?”
“No it’s perfect Duchess.” This time he made sure to keep the volume of his voice up and steady. I started to adjust the bar, leaving it just under its widest position so he could still move his legs inwards just barely.
“Not too wide?” I asked. We had never used this type of apparatus before and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t hurting his hips by pushing them too wide.
“No, it’s perfect Duchess.”
I pushed his chest immediately after his final verbal confirmation until he was laying flat on the bed with his hands at his sides. I made sure to step out of his view as I stripped out of my lingerie and heels slowly; he wouldn’t get to peak just yet.
Sauntering back to face him, I let him stare at me in all my naked glory. Every time he saw me naked, he looked like he was seeing me for the first time, his face awestruck and filled with admiration. I straddled his hips once more, sitting further back this time so his bare cock couldn’t reach any of my skin.
“I want you to please me sweet boy, you always do it so well.” I pulled his hand up as I stated my decree, slowly licking up the outside of his pointer finger.
“Yes, m’lady.” He affirmed with a groan of understanding before pulling his hand back down and getting straight to work. His perfectly manicured nails slipped between my folds starting to rub eager circles on my sensitive button trying to please me the best way he knew. A gasp slipped its way out of me when he moved downwards to slip a finger inside, bringing much more stimulation then the intiatial movements. I was dripping at the feeling of his singular finger crooking upwards to hit my g spot and he soon added another, barely fitting them together into my tight heat.
My hips started to rotate to help stroke the fire building in my core. His fingers pumped diligently with the same tempo that my hips bounced in, making sure to hit that special spot inside of me every time to please me perfectly. We maintained the rhythm for a while until I started to falter as my release approached. He picked up the pace to make up for my floundering, his eyes looking in wonder as I was worked into an earth-shattering orgasm.
When he removed his fingers from inside of me they were glistening with my arousal. I grabbed his wrist roughly and brought it up to my eyeline to get a good look at the salacious sight. My tongue darted out, wetting my lips in hungry desire. He eagerly wrapped his lips around his own fingers as I pushed them to his mouth, bobbing his head ever so slightly around them to drink in the taste of my juices. I reveled in the sight before me, his eyes glazed over in lust, sucking eagerly on his own fingers that were adorned with the pretty plum polish.
As I pulled them out of his mouth strings of his own spit escaped, giving me a perfect idea. I thumbed the bottom of his chin, wanting him to open his mouth again for me, he opened obediently understanding my nonverbal queues with perfection. Pulling at the root of his hair with my other hand to tilt his head back to give me the perfect angle. I spat into his mouth letting it drip into the back of his throat before forcing his mouth shut with my thumb.
“Thank you m’lady.” He garbled out unprompted as he tried to swallow. A grin graced my face at his thanks.
“Good Boy Spencer.”
I spit again into my hand and wrapped my palm around his length, slowly pumping which in turn pulled beautiful whines from his bruised throat. My pace quickened as I jerked him off with expertise, precum pooling around my fist as a testament to his arousal. His hips tried to meet my strokes even though the bar was barely giving him any leeway, still I decided to squash his movements with a rough shove back down to the mattress. He was steadily reaching the precipice of an orgasm, though I refused to give him the satisfaction and pulled away briskly.
“Please Duchess, I’ve been a good boy for you!” He complained loudly which made my eyebrows shoot up into my hairline. He wasn’t one to beg, usually he just sat like a good boy and took what I gave him with no qualms.
“Well I was going to fuck you as a reward…” My voice taking on a sing-song cadence just to tease him further. “But, I could just do this instead.” I said with an exaggerated sigh as I began to jerk him off again albeit more lazily this time.
“Please Duchess, I’m sorry. C-can you please fuck me?” He flashed me his perfect hazel colored irises which had taken on the infamous puppy dog eyes. The combination of his pout and glistening eyes made me relent. I positioned my entrance so the head of his cock was rested right at my opening, but not before dragging my soaked cunt along the outside of his shaft, eliciting a soft gasp from Spencer even though it was the lightest of touches.
We groaned in unison as I slowly sank down onto his cock, letting every ridge catch onto my walls. I sunk down to the base, keeping still at first to take pleasure in the fullness I felt from being with him. He always hit the deepest parts of me that no other man could reach; I truly believe he was made for me. His hands once again fisted the sheets while also trying to pull his legs apart in vain, trying to fight the primal urge to thrust upwards. I rewarded his good behavior by a languid roll of my hips, his legs jerking against the bar at the stimulation gained from the motion. As I started to build a slow but steady pace I traced up one of his arms like a ghost with the hand that wasn’t busy keeping me balanced. Lacing my fingers through his own I pinned his hand swiftly above him in a firm grasp causing a desperate whine to come from Spencer.
“You looked so pretty I just had to have you, sweet boy.” I said softly which was in stark contrast to my rough movements to pin his other hand above his head.
“Oh my God…” He continues to gasp out declarations of disbelief at his pleasure being completely lost in it. I bit hard into my lip as I let myself quicken my hips, rolling in fervor and attempting to gain as much pleasure as possible. My eyes raked over Spencer’s debaucherous appearance, his eyes glazed in a lustful daze, mouth open in a permanent gasp, sweat glistening over his entire figure, and beautiful nails gripped around my own digging into my flesh. I inwardly groaned at the sight of him lost in the throes of passion; he looked picture perfect to me.
“I just couldn’t look at your fingers without thinking about them being inside me,” I was dazed with euphoria, a slew of raunchy comments falling from my lips joining in with his muddled words.
A sudden orgasm took what little breath I had away shocking my core blissfully. The coil in my stomach snapped into a small but powerful high, though my hips continued to shift to ride out the end of my out of the blue orgasm.
I completely focused on bringing Spencer to his ultimate pleasure fervently rocking my hips in a fury. Only little squeaks were escaping him now.
“Say thank you to your Duchess for fucking you.” I said to assert my dominance again.
“Thank you Duchess!” He yelled out into the air, loud enough that our neighbors could definitely hear. Another orgasm was coming around the corner for me, my body getting off to Spence’s desperate pleas.
My hips started to stutter as I teetered on the edge of my release, I could tell he was close too, the gasps from his lips increasing in volume at each time I rocked my hips.
“You’ve been such a good boy Spencer, I just want to give you the biggest reward possible.” I gasped out, his eyes widening in understanding as I let go of his hands and repositioned them to rest on my hips. “I’m going to let you cum inside tonight.”
Spencer's eyes rolled back into his head at my words while arching his back to the steepest angle he could manage causing my nipples to rub against his chest in blissful friction. He started to meet the bounce of my hips as best as he could while restrained with his own thrusts, causing a jingle from the cuffs around his feet. Normally I would berate him for the act, but I was so close to shattering into a million pieces for the third time tonight that I didn’t find myself caring. As I leaned forward to be as close as possible to his body my hand wound around his throat like a necklace applying pressure that I knew would send him over the edge.
“C’mon my sweet boy cum for me” My hot breath caressed his skin as my whisper hit his ear. One last whine fell from him and with one last swirl of my hips he filled me with his warmth, his nails digging into the sides of my hips as he rode out his high.
“Thank you Duchess.” He incoherently whined as his release flooded through him in waves. My teeth sunk into the shell of his ear as the last rope shot into me it caused me to be shoved over the edge for the final time. Our bodies were shaking in pleasure as we finished our respective orgasms, our breaths intermingling as we tried to catch them.
Once I steadied my breath, I guided his fingers to dip between my folds to collect our cocktail of juices, then I pushed them up to his lips to mimic my earlier actions. This time, however, he got to taste the culmination of us together. He swirled his tongue over his own fingers that were manicured to perfection, sinking his lips down as far as he could take them, only stopping when he reached the back of his throat with a choke. He pulled off his own fingers with a pop, flashing me a smirk as he did, which I then matched.
My body was still shaky as I got up to go to the bathroom, preparing to pamper Spencer with aftercare. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and got redressed, though this time in a much less form fitting outfit, just a simple flowy robe. I got my little collection of aftercare items, a wet washcloth for cleaning, some snacks, lotion for his inevitably bruised ankles, and the softest blanket we owned. Spencer whimpered quietly when I cleaned his length, the overstimulation a bit too much for him. Squirting some lotion onto my palms I massaged the areas I had abused with kisses, then I squatted down to rub the lotion over his bruised ankles as well.
“Sorry for ruining date night Spencer.” I giggled out as I finished. I pulled the large fluffy blanket over us enveloping us in warmth.
“Don’t worry, I thoroughly enjoyed it.” He said pairing it with a characteristically Spencer kiss to my forehead. “Though I am a bit hungry now.”
“I'll make pancakes for dinner.”
#spencer reid smut#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfiction#Criminal Minds#criminal minds smut#criminal minds x reader#spencer reid fic#reid#spencer#spencer reid imagine#Smut#mgg
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The fact that tiger calls her golden flower...like I ain’t even read the thing but that has me feeling Some type of way....obvs Goldens better off away from him but like, what does Tiger...think/feel idk about her/the situation, if you’ve given it any thought? I’m super curious
i have given it all thought lovely anon.
okay, we're going to put this under a cut.
cw: sexual assault, child abuse, abuser's pov of abuse
ohh i accidentally took a dose of my meds too early i can Feel it that's fine this is fine sorry if i ramble a lot i am Wired.
tigerstar is a fundamentally terrible person. while i have his rationale for basically everything he does, please forgive me for not going in-depth into his perspective. it's not something i generally like doing, and i've already given myself enough tawny fics to indulge that side of this au.
anyway, we're still going to talk about it. just. from a more analytical pov. probably., i don't know. i told you i am Wired. i am. trying to stay on topic instead of rambling about reward centres.
anyway.
tigerstar! goldenflower! okay so. anon ik u said u haven't read mistyfoot's fic, so i'll try to be good and provide good examples. so basically, tigerstar alternates between being angry at mistyfoot and...almost treating her like a mate?
and there's uh. we'll focus on the mates thing for this because the anger thing is a whole different topic. all quotes i'm going to use come from "the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine," for personal reasons i don't feel comfortable directly linking to it, so you can find it on my ao3. (should be a link on my pinned post, about page, sidebar, etc. there are like 14 links because self Promotion.)
okay so like. misty's first interation with tigerstar and he calls her brave and noble. there's. a lot i could unpack but i'm trying to get to the goldenflower thing. so i'm going to move on, his second significant interaction is:
"With who?" Tigerstar says. His tail flicks to her chin. The sudden gesture of kindness startles her. "Besides, Mistyfoot. If you want to help your Clan so badly, there are better ways you can help."
which ooh boy the tangent cannot be avoided. so okay tigerstar wants power, yeah?
and the thing is, any she-cat can have a position of power he's completely limited from. which is why he manipulates mistyfoot using that, it's a power trip, it's taking that position away from her.
but the reason he fixates so heavily on this is because of...
goldenflower.
he leaves his kits with her because he has no authority over her. or them. my world does not have paternity rights lmao. sorry. different not better.
but that's, uh. yeah wow. he's doing a Lot with that re goldenflower if you want to analyze it from that pov, which we do. goldenflower is a queen, right? we've never seen her to have an apprentice. while i like giving her apprentices, holding to canon here and say, she probably hasn't.
and that's. tigerstar is. he's putting mistyfoot into a similar position as goldenflower so that he can this time have control over the situation.
(maybe that's what he would've done with the kits. take them away from mistyfoot. because he has the power this time. or force her to raise them, knowing that he's going to turn them against her. i don't know. there's a Lot he could have done.)
anyway, so yeah! that's his first interaction. and he's already putting pressure on mistyfoot's value as a queen.
they have some more interactions, but let's jump ahead to
"It's alright," he whispers, like she did not watch him tear Featherpaw open. He wraps his tail around her, pulling her in like he could comfort her, like Featherpaw's blood does not coat his claws.
what's up with this? well, it has a lot to do with how i view goldenflower and tigerclaw's relationship. he's trying to...do a lot. there's a power trip in this, there's a "if i force her to do it enough, maybe she'll do it naturally," there's a lot. and you wouldn't know unless i told you, so you can freely dota, but this is. tigerstar is puling on what his relationship with goldenflower was like. (from his pov.)
and the thing is it works. i'm skipping past some stuff i may or may not circle back to, but it works. i mean it does and it doesn't. it does the way abuse does.
She'd be ashamed of how grateful she was, of how she purred in front of him, of how she didn't even flinch when he ran his temple against her, but none of that matters, not if Featherpaw can eat.
like. god.
so uh. that's a thing.
i was talking on discord about how. tigerstar makes mistyfoot's treatment excruciatingly public for her. and part of his reasoning for this is that goldenflower rejected him. he's a fucked up man.
"reasoning" well it's not, he's not aware of this. but let us...
so there's a scene (before the last excerpt, but after "it's alright"), where it snows overnight. mistyfoot is in tigerstar's den (implied to be overnight), and so he says, "well! sucks to suck, you can't see featherpaw bc of all that snow." basically. and she...
"Please?" she asks, trying not to feel sick when she brushes her temple against his shoulder.
yeah. and he's like, "well, fine, but i'm going to make you walk through all of the snow that like comes up to your back because we are cats, even though you could walk straight across camp where the snow is packed down."
but the thing is, mistyfoot, just like goldenflower, chooses her kit over tigerstar, and he's pissed about that. he...well he's not thinking rationally here, but. this is kind of...so he's forcibly pushing featherpaw and mistyfoot into this isolated relationship where they have no one else, so that mistyfoot will do Anything for featherpaw. that's how he gets mistyfoot's obediance. we see this in one of the earlier scenes:
"Featherpaw isn't well, is she?" he asks. "Mudfur keeps trying to see her, but the guards don't let him in." His whiskers twitch, like this is all a game. "But you know, Mistyfoot. If you were good, if you'd just behave, I think I wouldn't have to worry so much about the guard. And you're always so good when it comes to Featherpaw."
where she's not doing what he wants, and he says this, and he does.
but tigerstar is not a person who loves. so i think he just. doesn't know that when mistyfoot would do anything for featherpaw, she would do anything for featherpaw. she would walk around camp while all of tigerclan watches and mocks her to see featherpaw and know that featherpaw is okay. without a second thought.
and that angers him. because she's not supposed to do that. she is supposed to do what he wants. because it benefits her by benefitting fetherpaw. so he just does not understand their relationship.
and so when mistyfoot chooses to leave him, just like goldenflower, his ability to play house with her is broken. and we get this:
Even with his permission, she is punished for leaving him. Tigerstar barely gives her half a day with Featherpaw before he drags her out again.
and this is another scene where we see that mistyfoot would do anything for featherpaw, because
(He leaves her in the snow until her paws go numb, and she watches as Darkstripe walks Featherpaw to the center of camp. She raises her head, trying to get her apprentice's attention, because even if she must look miserable — at least Featherpaw would know she was trying.
and mistyfoot spends a lot of her fic not acknowledging what's going on. she pretends that featherpaw doesn't know because. it's easier that way. but here, she's wiling to shatter that whole illusion just so that featherpaw knows mistyfoot hasn't abandoned her, that mistyfoot is trying to get back to her.
mistyfoot is in pretty terrible shape here, too. i chose not to state exactly how she's positioned in this scene, but. the intention is not just that the snow itself is cold, but that he's once again humiliating her.
tigerstar. buddy. you don't fucking get it.
mistyfoot doesn't care what you do to her. she will always be trying to get back to featherpaw. everything she does is for featherpaw, not for herself.
(which, aside, but this is not lost on featherpaw. she knows what mistyfoot does for her. some things she doesn't (notably, she's not aware that mistyfoot's demeanour is tied to featherpaw's access to medical care), but she's still deeply aware of this.)
so. anyway. tigerstar punishes mistyfoot for choosing featherpaw over him, and in the middle of that punishment, she once again chooses featherpaw over him.
(no wonder goldenflower didn't want to go with you dude.)
and so he punishes featherpaw, because that's what works. he does a lot of terrible things to mistyfoot, and all that happens is that she fights back. but when he hurts featherpaw, she concedes instantly.
he doesn't get it, he doesn't understand why it's like that, but he doesn't need to in order to manipulate her.
so after this, there's a lot of scenes. but just because you haven't read it, here's mistyfoot coming out and saying what i've just been explaining:
(She can't force herself to be willing be compliant be good and her consolation is that Tigerstar doesn't bring Featherpaw forward to be punished, that he digs his claws in her legs and his teeth in her scruff and it doesn't matter, not if Featherpaw is safe.)
and there's stuff, there's always stuff, but featherpaw's health goes into sharp decline, there's another defying tigerstar scene but it's for a different reason, and then we get to goldenflower moment.
so featherpaw sleeps On Top Of Mistyfoot, for reasons that aren't relevant. but there comes a point where blackfoot comes to bring mistyfoot to tigerstar, and featherpaw is asleep, and we get this moment of defiance:
Blackfoot comes for her when Featherpaw is still asleep. She needs every scrap of it she can get, and Mistyfoot waits until Blackfoot snaps at her for wasting time to rouse her.
but tigerstar finally gets what he wants, because when blackfoot forces the issue, mistyfoot leaves. and from his pov, mistyfoot doesn't even say goodbye to featherpaw.
(she does. it's not directly stated anywhere, but mistyfoot and featherpaw have some very strong nonverbal communication. this is the scene that sets it up, actually, where mistyfoot says goodbye without looking back.)
so from tiger's pov, he's finally gotten mistyfoot to choose him, and this is when
(He calls her Goldenflower, and even he seems surprised by the name.)
happens, and it's when tigerstar finally realizes what's going on.
<3
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Swing- Tenya Iida x Reader^
https://youtu.be/a90tZJHBklk
https://open.spotify.com/track/2ajUl8lBLAXOXNpG4NEPMz?si=eC0Mbj0mRteUAlC4EbVd6A
Sway - Michael Bublé
*Requested by anon*
A/n: I did my best to keep the reader completely gender-neutral. 😙 Please tell me if there's anything I could change 💞💞
I look down at the far too expensive attire that my lovely mother had chosen for me. I take a deep breath, my eyes closing as I do. I begin to change out of the apparel I was wearing and put on the new outfit. I appreciated my mother spending the money on me, not that money was a worry for my family, but she could have taken my opinion into consideration.
My mother is the CEO of Hero Array, a company that specializes in hero merchandise. And tonight there was going to be a gathering of heros and other wealthy people. My mother obviously plans on using this as a business opportunity. The more heros with a contract with her, the more merch gets made, the more money she gets.
She always wanted me to come with her to these parties. Something to do with her "public appearance".
..........................time skip..............................
As the chauffeur pulls into a lot with a scad of other cars I felt my body chill with anxiety. I've been to 100 of these since I was very young, I still get nervous every time.
"By the way, he'll be here." My mother says, looking out the window as our driver slowly makes their way to the front.
"Who?" I ask, completely puzzled by her mysterious and eerie statement.
"You'll know when you see him" she smiled, still looking out the window. My mother has always been a well-composed woman. She had perfect posture, movements, clothing, appearance, she never stumbled on her words, she works hard and she was confident in all of it. I tried my best to be like that, not wanting to look inferior or disappoint her.
The car stopped and I'll wait for the chauffeur to open the door and I stepped out into the crisp night. I could see the bright lights and people inside through the large windows. My mother stepped out behind me and we walked into the venue together, side by side. My mother stood still for a moment, scanning the room to see who should strike up a conversation with that hopefully end with a contract being signed.
I followed my mother as she began to speak to different heros, I just stood silently beside her not wanting to embarrass myself. My mother went through her cycle of scripted conversation. She knew exactly how to get what she wanted and she had prepared to have the same conversation 40x to get a contract. So I quickly grew bored with the carbon copy conversations.
As if prayer was answered I felt a tap on my shoulder from behind. I turned and saw a familiar boy with dark blue hair and small-framed glasses, making my mom's eerie comment make more sense.
"I've been looking for you" Tenya spoke with a polite smile. I and Tenya had been very close for several years. We had both been forced to attend these parties since we were young and being the same age we ended spending time together during them.
I turn to my mother and who has already nodded giving me permission to walk off. I turn back to Tenya and begin to walk around.
"So, what have you been up to?" I ask, curious about what was so important that he has left my message on delivered for several weeks now.
"I've focused on school. I got accepted into UA and want to be the best I can" he spoke as if he was giving an inspirational speech. I loved that about him, he was always trying to do his best and encourage others to do the same. Even when he seemed uppity to others.
"Ah, that makes sense. I'm happy you got accepted! I knew you could do it!" I praised and congratulated him.
"Thank you. So have you been up to lately?" He asked me the same
"Oh, nothing much honestly. Just working with my mom and school." I say anxiously. Tenya knew that I wanted to be a hero too, but my mother wanted me to take over the company. I and her would argue over it constantly until I eventually gave in.
"So, how's UA?" I ask, picking up the mood in my voice.
"It's great. I truly feel like I can be a great hero with the education they are giving me. And I've made some great and dedicated friends." He spoke proudly. I smile at him.
"That's great! It's good to hear you're enjoying yourself!"
"Yes, but I am disappointed to know you aren't pursuing your own dreams." His voice softened as he looked at me.
"Oh, God. Pity" I think to myself
"Oh no, don't worry about me. I'm sure running my mom's business will be great. I'll still be working with heros at least!" I try to fake positive energy.
"You have such an amazing quirk though. I don't see why she can't let you make your own choices. We could be going to school together." He voice was bitter, almost angry.
"So, tell me about your other friends," I ask, not wanting to think about giving up on my dream and losing so many great things that could have been.
Tenya went into detail about the interesting people he went to school with. He always had something positive to say about everyone, even the people he seemed disinclined to. Except he for a boy named Mineta, who he had little to say about.
"So, what brings you here tonight?" He asks me.
"My mother wanted to look for new possible associates and she wanted me to come. And you?" I asked being polite even though I was quite sure he was here for his brother.
"My brothers had asked the rest of my family to go with him." I nod to acknowledge him, but before I could speak Tenya added something to his earlier statement.
"And my mother had mentioned you would be here and I wanted to see you."
"Don't blush. Stay composed" I think to myself. "Stay cool and collected"
"Ah, well that's all very kind of you. I didn't know you would be here, but I'm so glad you are." I show my appreciation for him.
"Would you like to dance with me?" He asked. I turn my head quickly in confusion. I was even more confused when he presented me with his hand.
"Oh, he's being serious right now" I try to figure out where it came from.
I take a deep breath and take his hand. We begin to walk over to the area where people are dancing together. All of the older couples with the exception of an older woman with a young and attractive hero.
"I'll warn you now Tenya. I'm awful at dancing." I laugh softly as we approach the area.
"Don't bring yourselves down, Y/N"
He had his left hand firmly but gently placed to my hip. I securely wrapped my arms around him with our right hands locked together. I would gaze upon his eyes, and he would smile back. The rhythm of our bodies that danced slowly with the elegant music was nervous at first, but as I became more confident under his touch the movements became more passionate.
He twirled me around, dipping me as he'd lean forward closer to me. I could feel his stare the entire time as his breathing became shallow. With our bodies nearly touching one another's and our faces so close to each other, to my surprise, my face would turn to a light shade of pink while my heart would begin to race. As our eyes locked there was something between us. A moment spark lite up. Tenya had taken in a deep breath, as he pulled me back up into his arms.
We both nervously smiled before making our way out of the dancing area.
"I wanna ask you something" He stated, before I had the chance to respond he had taken my head and began walking towards a back door. We stepped out into the cold. The back had a small garden and 2 benches. We sat down at one of the benches in the garden.
"Is everything okay?" I ask, worried by his odd behavior. He had grabbed my hands into his as our bodies turned each other.
" Y/n. I think your very intelligent, hardworking, engaging, witty, and captivating, I would go as far as to say that you are irresistible. And I just wanted you to know that I would be overjoyed and blissful if I could be your significant other." He spoke quickly, I can tell it was planned but I didn't care about that.
"Are you being honest right now?" I ask, unsure if I truly believe him.
"Of course I am. And whatever you say is fine. What matters is your happiness."
I was filled with joy at this moment. I couldn't hold my composure. Blood ran to my cheeks and I couldn't help but smile brightly.
"I would be joyous if you were my boyfriend Tenya." I smile at him as I tried to stay as composed as possible at this moment. But I don't think it matters as I see his face light up with joy, like a small child would when they heard the familiar song of the ice cream truck go through their neighborhood.
"That's fantastic! I was hoping that you would feel the same way! My brother said you did, but I was still nervous about this."
"So you planned this?" I ask, my face still bright with a smile.
"Of course, I wanted to make sure it meant something. Cause you mean everything to me."
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1236
survey by lasertine
10 How's
How did you get one of your scars?
I keep recounting the story of my eyebrow scar, so I’ll share something else...I have several scars on both my knees since I was the neighborhood’s clumsiest kid and ALWAYS tripped/stumbled when I played outside. I used to be extremely insecure of my legs, but started to stop caring as I gradually noticed that no one really gives a shit about scars from childhood accidents.
How did you celebrate your last birthday?
I went to work, being the workaholic I am. I only celebrated in the evening, when I bought a week’s worth of food for my family and I to feast on. I was honestly fine with it; it was exactly how I wanted my birthday to go as I’ve stopped wanting to make a big deal out of it haha.
How are you feeling at this moment?
Weirdly relaxed for a Sunday. The gloomy and cozy weather is probably helping with that.
How did your night go last night?
As a fangirl, good! Got lots of new content which is always fun. As a person (lol), it was just fine. I like being able to recharge on weekends and I can never really complain even if I don’t end up doing anything productive.
How did you do in high school?
I was a bit all over the place. I exerted some level of effort in my favorite classes but didn’t really do the same for subjects I didn’t care for as much, like home ec, chemistry, math, etc; but on average I managed to get good grades all throughout. Overall, I kinda acknowledged very early on that high school grades weren’t going to matter in the real world so I didn’t make it a point to overexert myself and just focused on having fun and making fond memories in those teen years.
How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I got it from Artwork, a local brand that sells various apparel sporting designs produced by local artists. The branch I got it from has since shut down but I believe the brand is still alive and well.
How often do you see your best friend?
I used to see Angela once in a blue moon mainly because our schedules always clashed back when we were still students, but ever since forming our little Army friend group with Reena I’ve been seeing her nearly every week.
How much money did you spend last month?
LOL June was actually my worst and most shameful performance when it came to spending...let’s move on...
How old do you want to be when you get married?
Kinda happen it would happen by the time I’m in between the ages of 28 and 30, kind of losing hope on it.
How old will you be at your next birthday?
24.
NINE What’s
What is the most important part of your life?
I’ve said this several times but it’s really work. I’m aware of my weaknesses at my job and I want nothing more than to improve on those just because my perfectionist ass can’t bear being bad at something I’m supposed to be contributing to lol.
What did you do last weekend?
Last Saturday I watched BTS’ concert in Sao Paulo and had my first session at my Korean class. Last Sunday I mostly chilled at home but I also went to Starbucks to work for a bit but to also just relax before the week started.
What did you last cry over?
Watching Angela and Reena’s graduation ceremony this afternoon. It’s hilarious because I didn’t even cry during and was mostly indifferent towards my own grad, but I surprised myself by breaking into tears while watching theirs. I’m guessing the emotions simply welled up from me being very grateful for our friendship, which formed when I needed it the most.
What are you worried about?
I always get Monday anxiety on Sundays, so let’s go with that.
What is your mother’s name?
Abby.
What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
BTS, for one.
What would you rather be doing?
It’s not a matter of what I would rather be doing, but where I would rather be. And right now, I wish I was back on a Friday evening with the weekend just about to start.
What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Patience.
What did you have for breakfast?
My mom cooked up a feast for today’s breakfast for no reason - we had fried rice, tocino, I think bangus(?) and if not bangus then it was some other kind of fish, corned beef, cheese omelette, glazed ham, bacon strips, and the leftover chicken wings from last night’s dinner.
EIGHT Have You’s
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
I probably do something of the sort at least once a day.
Have you ever had sex on the beach?
No. I think I might feel uncomfortable doing so, even if you told me it would be a private beach lol.
Have you ever been backstabbed by a friend?
Yes.
Have you ever been out of the country?
Yup, but it’s been a while. :( I haven’t traveled abroad since 2016.
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
It barely counts; she was only like a month and half younger.
Have you ever liked someone who already had somebody?
That hasn’t happened.
Have you ever been brokenhearted?
Of course.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Many times.
SEVEN Who’s:
Who is the last person you saw?
My dad. He was watching the evening news in his room when I heard the report playing Permission to Dance so I rushed in there to see what the news was going to be about, hahahaha.
Who is the last person that you texted?
...also my dad. I was just asking him where he was since I had been craving chapaguri the other day and was gonna request if he can quickly pass by the Korean mart near our village. He never replied so I just cooked the instant noodles that we have at home, which in hindsight was I guess for the better because at least I got to save the money I would’ve paid him with.
Who called you last?
The Lalamove driver I mentioned on the previous survey.
Who is the last person you hung out with?
Angela, Reena, and Hans.
Who did you hug last?
Angela, right before I left from her place last Tuesday.
Who is the last person that texted you?
Not sure.
Who was the las person you said "I love you" to?
Yumi, when I congratulated her on her graduation post.
SIX Where’s:
Where does your best friend live?
The city next to mine.
Where is your favorite place to be?
Either a coffee shop or our rooftop.
Where did you sleep last night?
My bed.
Where did you last hang out?
Mega with the three aforementioned friends.
Where do/did you go to school?
UP.
Where did you last adventure to?
...Mega. So repetitive hahaha but I don’t really go out much these days for obvious reasons.
FIVE Do’s/Does:
Do you ever wish you were someone else?
Not someone else in particular but I will sometimes daydream about having a different reality/situation, like being able to play an instrument or being more capable of affording more things.
Do you think anyone despises you?
Possibly.
Do you like someone right now?
Nopes.
Does the future scare you?
It doesn’t scare me so much as it’s increasingly starting to make me feel lonelier whenever I start thinking about it.
Do you have any secret powers?
Erm, no.
FOUR Why’s:
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
They’ve both been there through the thick and the thin and the ugly with me and have never once left my side.
Why did your parents give you the name you have?
As for both my names, they just liked the sound of them.
Why did you get a myspace?
Because I noticed it was popular and I wanted to see what the fuss was about.
Why are you doing this survey?
Countdown surveys are always a fun format.
THREE If’s:
If you could have one super power what would it be?
Time travel.
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
If it comes down to it, as irresistible as it seems, probably not.
If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
Somewhere with winter/snow.
Two Would-you-ever’s:
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
I’m struggling to think how that can action save someone, but I guess if it ever does boil down to it then yeah, in a heartbeat. It grows back and if the situation was that drastic, hair would be the least of my concerns.
Would you ever get back together with any of your exes if they asked you?
Depends.
Last one:
Are you happy with how your life has turned out?
Very.
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I Get The Feeling That I’m Right Where I Belong
Chapter 3: My Life’s Become As Vapid
AO3
Beginning, Previous, Next
Adrien and Luka kissed each other goodbye on the cheek. Luka put his helmet on and slowly started up his motorcycle. Juleka grabbed his waist and leaned into him as they took off down the street. Adrien waved after them, before turning back to school. He had fencing today. While it meant he wouldn’t get home until almost five, it also meant that he had the next forty five minutes with nothing to do. Kagami had talked Chloe in to staying until practice started, so he was considering crashing their date.
He reentered the front of the building and groaned. Lila Rossi was standing in the middle of the courtyard, surrounded by her adoring drones. Adrien didn’t know most of them, but he recognized a few from their class. They all knew who he was, though, and so the moment he made eye contact with Lila, they had practically swarmed him.
“Oh my gosh, Adrien. How are you?”
“I’m good, Lila. And you?” He was very proud of how level he had kept his voice.
“Oh, I’m just fantastic! My boyfriend just texted to let me know that I can stay with him for the summer!” There was so much cruel hope in her eyes. Adrien didn’t want to ask the expected question of her, but he also knew that if he didn’t follow expectations, his father would hear. He only had three more weeks until he was eighteen. He could suffer through three more weeks of this.
“That’s great,” He said, deadpan as possible. The emotions he wanted to show would end poorly. “Do I know your boyfriend? I take it he doesn’t go here.”
There was a half-second glare from Lila. They both knew Lila was lying through her teeth, though Lila didn’t know how much Adrien understood that. She didn’t expect him to catch her look or the underlying anger involved. Of course she wouldn’t have a fake boyfriend that went to their school! She didn’t expect Adrien to understand that, though. He never understood her.
“You might, actually. His dad owns a fashion company, among other things. Damian? Damian Wayne?”
It took every ounce of self-taught emotional repression Adrien possessed to not react. Lila was claiming to be Damian Wayne’s girlfriend? Of all the people she could have picked, she chose Damian Wayne? He couldn’t believe it! Because as far as almost everyone knew, as far as even his father and Nathalie knew, he didn’t know Damian Wayne. He had no reason to know an American billionaire’s reclusive child, except for the fact that one of his best friends and superhero teammates was actually dating Damian Wayne and that whenever he was in Paris, as uncommon as that was, Robin would join Team Miraculous on patrols and in akuma battles. Marinette would think this was hilarious. He couldn’t wait to tell her at movie night.
Adrien spent a moment to give credit to Lila for setting her story up like this. The way she had asked if he knew Damian, it left room for her to wiggle out if he did. And a reclusive American? She could disappear off to the US for the whole summer and never actually meet Damian with her “friends” none the wiser, so it was a surprisingly low risk play. And yet-
“I don’t think so. I may have met him once, but yeah.” Lila’s smile relaxed. She had tricked him. “Good for you. How long have the two of you been together?”
“Oh, a few months now. We met at a gala over the winter, and we’ve been texting a lot since then.” There was a gala, but Damian had taken Chloe (with Kagami’s permission) as his date because Marinette was in China visiting family at the time and Chloe hadn’t exactly been out to her parents. Lila had really done her research on this one. “He was in Paris last month, though, so we finally had our first official date.” Also true, but he had been on a few secret superhero dates with his secret superhero girlfriend, not with Lila. The great part about having a superhero as a significant other, and Adrien knew this very well from experience, was that you could go almost anywhere in the city at any time. He and Luka had picnics on the top of the Eiffel Tower not infrequently.
Lila was holding his arm very tightly. He began to walk towards where he knew Chloe and Kagami were waiting. “He’s so romantic. He took me to a restaurant overlooking the Seine and we watched the sunset…” Adrien tuned Lila out. He could see Chloe and Kagami. He could see his saving graces, but they were deep in conversation and at the far end of the hall. Why couldn’t they look up? He needed their help. Lila was hurting his arm now. He decided he should start listening again.
“...And then his dad said yes, so I’m going to Gotham for the summer.” Lila finished expectantly.
“That does sound romantic. Which restaurant did he take you to? If you and Damian Wayne approve, I’d love to try it myself.” He was almost genuinely curious. For living on a travelling river boat that had been all over Europe, his boyfriend very rarely took advantage of shore leave. Luka had been in Paris now for almost four years, which was more than double as long as they’d stayed anywhere else. He and Juleka both liked it, and had settled in.
“It’s this place at the western end of town, Astrance. The food was absolutely exquisite.” Chloe and Kagami still hadn’t looked up. “I’m a vegetarian, but Damian got the steak and said it was the best steak he had ever had.” Lie. And a sloppy one too. Weirdly sloppy. “If you are interested in the vegetarian option, the house salad was pretty good.” Maybe she was testing him? Maybe she didn’t know better? It wasn’t exactly public knowledge, but anyone who knew the Waynes knew Damian was a vegetarian. Adrien was planning on at least going pescetarian when he moved out because of Damian.
“Sounds good.” He doubted Lila had ever been anywhere near Astrance. “I have been needing a good place to go for my date.” Chloe finally, finally looked up. She made eye contact with Adrien, and elbowed Kagami to get her attention.
“You have a date? Oh, I’m so happy for you!” There was too much hatred in her eyes. She wanted Adrian as her own trophy and would kill to get him. Even if he didn’t know, Adrien would have noticed. On a purely sadistic note, he would have liked to see her try to fight his super-powered time-jumping boyfriend. It would be very entertaining. “With whom?”
“With Luka,” he said. Just like every date for the past year and a half had been with Luka. Just like he’d told Lila at least three times already. Kwami, she was dense. He was actually grateful for that, because if his father suspected he wasn’t straight, Adrian Agreste would be stuck in his room until he turned eighteen.
“Oh, I’m so glad you found someone. This Luka sounds like a lovely woman-”
“Adrien, I need your help,” Kagami interrupted, practically shoving her way through the other students. Lila started to pout, but stopped with a glare from Chloe. Kagami didn’t even bother to acknowledge the Italian. “I seem to have lost my gloves. You must help me find them.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him away from Lila.
“Of course, Kagami. Sorry to leave Lila!” Adrien called over his shoulder as he was herded around a corner and down the hall by Chloe and Kagami. “Oh my god, thank you,” he cried out in relief the moment he was out of view of Lila.
“No problem,” Chloe said. Adrien pulled her and Kagami into a hug. Chloe began to protest, but quickly melted into him. After a few seconds, he pulled away and turned to Kagami.
“Alright, let’s find those gloves.” Chloe smirked. Kagami laughed.
“You mean these gloves?” Kagami held up the fencing gloves. “Oh, well, I happened to find them in my bag, right where I left them. I’m so forgetful sometimes.”
“Kwami, you two are the best! You know that, right?”
#miraculous#miraculous ladybug#marinette dupain cheng#adrien agreste#chloé bourgeois#Nino lahiffe#alya cesaire#Kagami Tsurugi#luka coffaine#chloé x kagami#alya x nino#adrien x luka#daminette#My fic
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Jill Fields, "Where my dreidel at?": Representing Jewish Identity in Orange Is the New Black, 13 J Jewish Identities 1 (2020)
The Netflix original series Orange Is the New Black ranks among the most watched shows available for streaming online or on cable. In June 2016, the first episode of Season 4 drew 6.7 million views in 72 hours, making it second in viewership only to HBO's popular Game of Thrones.1 It also garnered critical acclaim, receiving a Peabody Award in addition to many Golden Globe, Emmy, and Screen Actors Guild nominations and awards.2 The series is based on a memoir by Piper Kerman, who served thirteen months in a minimum security women's prison in Danbury, Connecticut after her conviction on a drug-related offense she had committed ten years earlier. Created by Jenji Kohan, the series is a "dramedy" that mixes comedic touches with poignant stories based upon Piper's prison experiences and those of others she lived with and worked alongside while incarcerated. When the series debuted in 2013, it was lauded for its diverse female cast—in terms of racial, ethnic, and sexual identities—and for its sympathetic depiction of the plight of the primarily poor women who serve time behind bars.3 Orange Is the New Black (OITNB) clearly broke new ground in representing women who are rarely seen in mainstream cultural texts, especially in prominent roles. Kohan revealed in an NPR interview that she used the character of the blonde Piper—whose last name was changed to Chapman in the show and who labels herself a WASP in both her memoir and on screen—as a "Trojan Horse" in order to sell the series to Netflix executives, who green-lighted a project that began with Chapman as the lead, but quickly evolved in an inclusive direction by elevating women of color to co-starring status.4
Academic assessment of OITNB has celebrated aspects of the series, but also critiqued ways in which the show upholds stereotypes about women of color, lesbians, transwomen, and older women, and how it draws upon women's prison film conventions that objectify incarcerated female bodies, albeit at times self-knowingly.5 Less noted thus far by scholars is the prominent attention the show gives to its Jewish characters and themes.6 Though the series deserves praise for shining light on diverse female experiences, its treatment of Jews draws upon long-standing tropes. The show deploys, for example, the classic construction of the interfaith relationship, seen for over a century in American culture; the enduring American television tradition of covert rather than openly Jewish identity; and reliance on the conversion narrative in portraying Jewish beliefs and rituals. These mechanisms highlight, yet also displace, the depiction of Jewishness on the series and the contributions of its Jewish creator, writers, directors, and actors.
Studies of Jewish representation in American popular culture have addressed both the presence and absence of Jewish characters and narratives. Documentation of the Jewish presence in film and television has produced assessments and generated debates about whether particular portrayals draw upon or challenge antisemitic tropes, provide realistic depictions of the Jewish-American experience, or sidestep considerations of what it means to be Jewish.7 Over time, and in tandem with emerging trends in feminist analysis and cultural studies, investigations of the representation of Jews in film and television began to also consider how particular narratives construct Jewish identity, especially in regard to gender, and explore contradictions embedded in mass cultural texts that reference Jewish experiences. Though ire, fear, outrage, and appreciation continue to motivate some research and give it urgency, analysis questioning assumptions about claims to authenticity, acknowledging diversity within Jewish communities, and drawing parallels in addition to contrasts with how a range of minorities are represented both in front of and behind the camera has provided new insights and opened up new ways of thinking about larger frameworks as well as specific texts. Nonetheless, asking whether products of the culture industry such as OITNB are "good for the Jews" remains relevant even when also taking into account a range of Jewish experiences and practices, the potential instability of identity formations, and possibilities for conflicting interpretations.
Important Jewish characters in OITNB include Piper Chapman's fiancé Larry Bloom, inmate Nicky Nichols—who I assert is a crypto-Jew through Season 5—and African-American inmate Cindy Hayes, who converts to Judaism in Season 3. It is significant as well that a number of actors, writers, and directors employed by the show in addition to series creator and producer Kohan are also Jewish. In what follows, I explore relevant aspects of the source material—Kerman's memoir—with a primary focus on how the fictional characters and their stories create Jewish moments in series episodes. I also suggest ways in which the representation of Jews connects with the show's Jewish cast and crew. Moreover, the contrast between the show's groundbreaking status and its employment of practices that date back to earlier periods in the history of television reveal the persistence of problematics for including fully realized Jews and their narratives on the small screen.
Larry Bloom, Masculinity, and Jewish Betrayal
Piper's Jewish fiancé Larry Bloom appears in the first episode of Season 1 and remains in the series through Season 2.8 The real Piper's real-life Jewish fiancé (now husband), who is a successful writer with the far less iconic Jewish last name of Smith, is in Kerman's memoir supportive and loving throughout Piper's prison ordeal, as are his equally wonderful parents. Larry Bloom of the series, an aspiring writer who struggles to get a paying gig, is initially kind and defends Piper to his awful Portnoyesque parents, who try to get him to dump his shiksa girlfriend. Larry has internalized his father's view of the blonde gentile woman as exotic and uses the term himself when proposing to Piper after she is sentenced. "Why would I want a felonious former Lesbian WASP shiksa who is about to go to prison to marry me? Why? Because this underachieving, underemployed Jewboy loves her."9 Larry Smith describes meeting Piper in similar terms: "Piper was pretty by anyone's standards, but blonde, blue-eyed, Waspy girls are catnip for hairy Jewish guys like myself." He further describes "classic Piper: steely and self-contained. I grew up with a different window into the world of women, one where they are a little neurotic and a lot needy."10 This well-worn construction of Jewish women has appeared in a range of media and texts, including interfaith marriage narratives depicted in such films as The Heartbreak Kid (1972) and Along Came Polly (2004), and in the 2015 comment by then-presidential candidate Donald Trump calling Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz "crazy" and "highly neurotic."11 In OITNB, Larry further demonstrates his assimilationist impulse by preparing roasted pig for the couple's last meal together before Piper's self-surrender at Litchfield prison; their first snack in the prison visiting room is pork rinds.12
Larry is played by actor Jason Biggs, who has portrayed Jewish men in films such as American Pie (1999), though not Jewish himself.13 Soon after OITNB debuted, articles such as "Does Orange Is the New Black Have a Jewish Problem?" expressed concern about yet another iteration of Jewish masculinity as having "that tortured, brooding, nebbish quality we've come to associate with Woody Allen."14 Moreover, as other characters are humanized via flashbacks that reveal their difficult personal histories and draw viewers' sympathies, Larry's weaknesses become more apparent as the narrative unfolds and he draws viewers' disgust. A 2014 article, "A Guide to The Internet's Love of Hating Larry Bloom From 'Orange Is the New Black,'" concluded Larry was so detested he was the object of "world-class hatred."15
Larry's multiple betrayals of Piper propel his development into—or revelation as—a despised, nebbishy Judas. His first step down that path is watching episodes of Mad Men alone, after promising Piper he would wait to watch them with her after her release. To do so guilt-free, he turns over a framed photo of the two of them on his coffee table. As one critic called it, "Only a truly terrible human being would go against his loving girlfriend's wishes and watch their show without her. But turning the frame over? That's just cold-blooded."16 Larry's initial betrayal leads to more. When his only chance to get paid for writing an article requires detailing the prison experiences that Piper has shared with him in phone calls and visits, he goes ahead without her permission.17 She finds out about his New York Times "Modern Love" column from her prison counselor and, after viewers see Larry excitedly buying up copies of the newspaper, we find out that he has revealed information that endangers the tenuous relationships Piper has been building and needs to survive prison.18 In a subsequent episode, despite Piper's distress, Larry cozies up to an NPR reporter he meets at a Thanksgiving dinner, which results in a radio appearance sharing similar stories. Again, Piper only finds out about this after the fact, and listens in horror as Larry further humiliates both her and inmates she knows.19
The real Larry did write a "Modern Love" column about his relationship with an inmate, though it was published well after Piper's sentence ended, and a month before the 2010 publication of her memoir. Likely timed to promote Kerman's book prior to its release, the column most importantly does not betray her or her prison friends. Instead, Larry focuses on his devotion to Piper throughout her incarceration and the men he met who were also visiting their wives or girlfriends. The column ends with claims that his consistent visits and phone calls were not testaments to his character but instead prove how wonderful his fiancée is.20 In contrast, Netflix Larry's multiple betrayals reach their ultimate conclusion when he sleeps with Polly (Maria Dizzia), Piper's married best friend and business partner, and then dumps Piper for her. Larry and Polly even move in together and are shown enjoying their comfortable New York City lives as Larry and Piper used to do.21
Expressing dismay about how the show transformed Larry's character by drawing upon familiar tropes that denigrate Jewish men and Jews generally, and identifying differences between the two portrayals of Larry, is a fair, but ultimately narrow criticism. After all, adapting books into movies or television shows, whether fiction or non-fiction, requires alterations. The real Larry, for example, explains that translating Netflix Larry into what he calls a "schmuck" made the show more interesting.22 Another way to frame that transformation is to ask what purpose the nebbishy Judas/Jewdas performs in the OITNB narrative. I would argue that Larry's betrayal not only relieves the show from an unexciting story of a reliable boyfriend, but also displaces questions about possibly exploitative aspects of Kerman's best-seller and hit series onto the despicable and feminized Jewish man. This narrative turn burnishes the author's—and series creator Kohan's—celebratory claims to tell rather than sell the stories of incarcerated women who will not profit from their commercial dissemination.23
Kohan's OITNB cookbook, which features "Larry's Orange and Black Peppercorn Pulled Pork," is suggestive of her commercial goals and conflicted take on just how seriously the show and the discourse it has generated consider prison conditions.24 In addition, Kerman's former girlfriend, Cleary Wolters, who facilitated Kerman's criminal involvement in the drug trade, states in her memoir that she was never contacted by anyone connected with the book or the series prior to their release. In OITNB, her fictionalized character Alex Vause ends up in the same prison with Piper and their relationship is a central story line. When the Netflix series debuted, Wolters was out of prison and working and, though her employers knew the broad outlines of her criminal past, she had not shared details nor come out as gay at work when outed by the series. Wolters feared for her job security, aware of her tenuous status as an ex-felon. Within one day of the series release, the identity of the "real Alex Vause" was posted online, which caused her anxiety that former inmates might track her down. Ultimately, however, Wolters felt grateful that the success of OITNB allowed her to also share in print the sobering lessons of her criminal past and prison experiences.25 Nonetheless, the risks provoked by Wolters's inclusion in the memoir and series raise the question of exploitation, a charge against the show conceptualized as "trauma porn." Ashleigh Shackleford popularized the term in her assessment, shared by a number of African-American critics, that the show depicted "bleak narratives about the experience of people of color for the entertainment of those who have never lived those experiences."26 Such critiques provide further evidence for reading Larry's many betrayals as a displacement or hedge against similar charges directed toward Kerman or the series creators. As a long-standing trope, Jewish betrayal is easily identifiable and works to distract or absolve others of incriminating behavior.
The Jewish Inmate Problem: Levy
The treatment of a woman who, like Wolters, appears in the memoir but who has drawn less attention because she did not become an easily identifiable character in the show, provides an additional avenue for exploring Jewish identity in OITNB. Kerman's descriptions of Levy, a Jewish inmate, suggests the translation of Larry into a Judas can be indeed identified as a "Jewish problem," and one that originated in the memoir rather than the series. Consideration of the memoir is uncommon in studies of the series; Hilary Malatino's analysis is an important exception that provides a point of comparison below.27 A French Moroccan Jew, Levy is the only inmate whose behavior and demeanor Kerman derides repeatedly in her memoir. Levy is a true "other" in prison. As Kerman explains early on:
When a new person arrived their tribe—white, black, Latino, or the few and far between "others"—would … get them settled and steer them through their arrival. If you fall into that "other" category—Native American, Asian, Middle Eastern—then you got a patchwork welcome committee of … women from the dominant tribes.28
Levy thus falls outside or in between even the "other" category, but her status as a Member of the Tribe without a tribe and the impact her singularity might have had on her ability to in fact "get settled" is not considered by the otherwise compassionate Kerman. Described in the memoir as "tiny," Kerman scorns Levy for being "totally useless at electrical studies" despite "preening about her Sorbonne education."29 She is also criticized for her decision not to allow her children to come visit her because she does not "want them to see her in prison," despite Kerman noting without judgement others who "did not want their people to see them in a place like this."30 Kerman even positions Levy below guards in likeability: "'Zey have no class,'" sneered Levy. I didn't like prison guards, but she was insufferable."31 This excerpt is also an example of how Levy is singled out by Kerman, who reproduces her accent in the text to a greater degree than any other prisoner's. Levy is also ridiculed for crying more often than Kerman deems appropriate, though Kerman writes that when seeing an inmate cry after visiting hours are over, "you smiled sympathetically or touched their shoulder."32 Together, these comments justify Levy's status as:
the unifying factor in the [electrical] shop: the rest of us united against her. She was insufferable, crying daily and complaining loudly and constantly about her measly six-month sentence, asking inappropriate personal questions, trying to boss people around, and making appalling and loud statements about other prisoners' appearance and lack of education sophistication, or "class," as she put it. … Most of the time she was nervous-verging-on-hysterical, which manifested in dramatic physical symptoms; an astonishing hive-like swelling made her look like the Elephant Man, and her always sweating hands made her particularly useless for working with electricity.33
Though we do not learn the specifics regarding the cause of Levy's incarceration, Kerman mentions Levy was "whisked away to testify against her chiseler ex-boyfriend."34 However, the worst offense committed by Levy, according to Kerman, occurs after her release when she is interviewed by the Hartford Courant in September 2004, just before Martha Stewart's incarceration. Kerman reports the "Camp freaked out" that Barbara, as Levy is referred to in the newspaper article, describes the prison as a "big hotel" with "an ice machine, ironing boards," "two libraries" and "amazing food," and that she says she enjoyed not having to cook, clean, drive or buy gas. Kerman responded to the article in her memoir by "pictur[ing] Levy, swollen with hives, looking like the Elephant Man, crying every single day over her six-month sentence and sneering at anyone she thought was not 'classy.'" Though Kerman states the "reporter got many minor facts wrong," she and other inmates who "are outraged by the false claim that [they] could buy Haagen-Dazs ice cream" at the commissary blame Levy for the error. The prisoner in charge of the kitchen, Pop in the memoir and Red in the show, is upset and confused:
Piper, I just don't understand it. Why would she lie? You have the opportunity to get the truth out there about this place, and instead she makes up these lies? We have nothing here, and she makes it sound like a picnic.35
Kerman then explains to her readers that Levy lied because she "didn't want to admit to herself, let alone to the outside world, that she had been placed in a ghetto, just as ghetto as they had once had in Poland." Kerman here assumes that she understands the Jewish ghettos of World War II-era Poland better than Levy. She continues:
It was too painful … for Levy and others (especially the middle-class prisoners) to admit that they had been classed as undesirables, compelled against their will into containment, and forced into scarcity without even the dignity of chosen austerity. So instead, she said it was Club Fed.36
Kerman uses the ghetto metaphor to help her readers understand the "revolving door between our urban and rural ghettos and the formal ghetto of our prison system" in the United States and the difficulty of escaping either.37 However, Kerman, in collapsing distinctions, overlooks differences between Nazi ghettos and those she references, and also ways in which targeted communities form alliances based in shared histories of pain and oppression. Moreover, she does not consider the possibility if not probability that Levy has family members who perished, or who suffered and survived the Holocaust in France and Morocco. In a comparable critique, though one focusing on gender identity, Malatino finds Kerman "lacks a framework for understanding trans subjectivity," and uses "classic othering strategies … [that] serve to de-authenticate transfeminine gender expressions."38 Kerman similarly lacks intersectional frameworks that could account for Levy's status as both wielding middle-class privilege and experiencing her subjectivity as an isolated and vulnerable minority.
Lacking fuller consideration of Levy's multiple facets, Kerman also did not mention that Levy in the interview lauded her fellow prisoners as "classy" and defended them against charges that sexual assault was common. For Levy, "The worst part about being there was being counted. They count you like an animal." Whether intentional or not, her emphasis on this aspect of prison life being exceptionally difficult for her evokes the experiences of Jews in Nazi camps during the Holocaust, an allusion that escapes Kerman. The Courant also sympathetically reported Levy's decision not to see her children, which Levy states was the hardest part of her stay, and an effort to maintain her dignity.39
Levy indeed may have been annoying. But that alone does not explain why Kerman devotes so much attention to her. In assessing what work she performs in the narrative, I argue Levy serves several functions. First, she is a vehicle for the middle-class Kerman to distance herself from those of her own class and to legitimate her claim that she accepts her shared status with poor undesirables, which other middle-class women prisoners like Levy do not. Second, she confirms the view of Jewish women as needy and neurotic, a dominant caricature even promulgated by Kerman's real-life Jewish husband. Levy thus also is a vehicle Kerman uses to elide her possible association with reviled Jewish femininity via her relationship with a Jewish man. Third, Levy translates into Netflix Larry as they are both Judases who in self-interest betray the experiences of incarcerated women in mass media forums. Levy-Larry are categorically unable to truly understand who those women are or identify with them, unlike the transcendent Kerman. Thus Levy-Larry is the mechanism by which Kerman and by default Kohan distance themselves from assessments that they are profiting from the ordeals of women who do not have similar professional opportunities to do so.40 Moreover, the construction of the justifiably hated if not abject Jew that results from Levy's transgressive behavior and Larry's increasingly despicable acts creates more possibilities for the diverse female inmates to be viewed sympathetically by readers and viewers.
OITNB and Television's Crypto-Jews
The portrayal of Jewish identity on the television series OITNB contains further complexities, as Jewish elements beyond the Bloom stereotypes are depicted from its earliest episodes. A mechanism for simultaneously including and excluding Jews in television is the long-standing practice of the crypto-Jewish character. Leslie Fiedler first used the term in 1964 to describe the phenomenon of characters whose Jewish identity is hidden, like the original crypto-Jews, Spanish Jews forced to convert in 1492 whose Mexican and Mexican-American descendants maintained Jewish practices for centuries typically without knowing the origins of their family traditions.41 Fiedler deployed the term critically in analyzing Willy Loman in Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman and other characters penned by mid-twentieth-century Jewish-American writers such as Paddy Chayefsky, Bernard Malamud, and Norman Mailer. Fielder deplored the effect of "characters who are in habit, speech, and condition typically Jewish American, but who are presented as something else—general American," as "pseudo-universalizing." As a result, "the works … lose authenticity and strength" and constitute a "failure to remember that the inhabitants of Dante's Hell or Joyce's Dublin are more universal as they are more Florentine or Irish."42
Jewish Studies media critics such as Jeffrey Shandler, David Zurawik, and Vincent Brooks found the crypto-Jew concept useful in describing television characters whose Jewish identity is ambiguous, hidden, or suppressed but hinted at through narrative gestures, personal qualities, or physical features and often by being played by a Jewish actor. These critics explain that the crypto-Jew phenomenon was born of concern largely on the part of Jewish television executives that shows that appeared "too Jewish" would not appeal to most Americans and would make them vulnerable to charges of Jewish control of the media. The practice emerged in television's "Golden Era," after the popular radio and then television show The Gold-bergs ended its twenty-six-year run in 1955. The Goldbergs depicted an observant Jewish family of modest means comprised of immigrant parents and America-born children living in New York City. Matriarch Molly Goldberg (Gertrude Berg) was a beloved mass culture icon known for her down-to-earth wisdom and endearing malapropisms. Despite its broad appeal—Berg won the first Emmy awarded for Best Actress in 1950—Jewish television moguls such as William Paley, who headed CBS, made it clear that no new shows with Jewish leading characters would be aired. This attitude has been attributed to television executives' fears that Jewish programming would bring unwanted attention and therefore problems to Jews working in the medium. Occasionally, Jewish characters appeared in Jewish-themed episodes of shows from westerns like Rawhide (1959–1965) and Bonanza (1959–1973) to procedurals such as The F.B.I (1965–1974). However, the maxim "write Yiddish, cast British" became the rule through the 1970s. It was implemented most famously in network discussions about what became The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966). Created by Carl Reiner, who planned to star, the sitcom was based on his life as a television comedy writer and head of a Jewish family living in the suburbs. Innovative in depicting both its main character's home and work life, CBS agreed to put the show in the prime time schedule if Reiner, et al. would step aside for a "less ethnic" cast. The one exception in the final ensemble was supporting character Buddy Sorrel, played by Morey Amsterdam, though his Jewish identity was rarely referenced.43
In the 1970s, "write Yiddish, cast British" remained a guiding principle on network television, though popular shows such as Barney Miller (1974–1982) and Welcome Back Kotter (1975–1979) featured lead characters with familiar Jewish identifiers, such as their New York City origins and speech patterns, and who were played by Jewish actors. Nonetheless, such characters remained crypto-Jews, as story lines never referenced or confirmed their Jewish identity. Rhoda (1974–1978), a spin off from The Mary Tyler Moore Show starring the non-Jewish Valerie Harper as Mary's Jewish friend Rhoda Morgenstern, was an exception, a sitcom about a Jewish woman. Even after the late 1980s and 1990s saw the return of the Jewish female lead in The Nanny (1993–1999) and Will & Grace (1998–2006), and the Jewish leading man in dramas thirtysomething (1987–1991) and Northern Exposure (1990–1995), the crypto-Jew remained an important creature of network television. Crypto-Jews of this era include George Costanza, Kramer, and Elaine on Seinfeld (1989–1998) and Rachel Green, Monica Geller, and Ross Geller on Friends (1994–2004). In an echo of the decision to recast what became The Dick Van Dyke Show, NBC executives insisted the Seinfeld characters, who were created as Jews, not remain so. Only Jerry Seinfeld remained identifiably Jewish, which was unavoidable as his character was based on the already known Jewish comedian's real persona.44
Despite this decades-long context and an emerging self-referential and fearless Jewish sensibility in twentieth-first-century cable programming personified by Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson's Broad City, and by the Amazon series Transparent, celebrated as the "Jewiest show ever," all of which found broad audiences, Orange Is the New Black features crypto-Jews among its diverse cast.45 Jewish actors in the series in recurring roles that began in the first season include Yael Stone, Constance Shulman, Barbara Rosenblatt, and Natasha Lyonne. Constance Shulman's character Yoga Jones's potential identity as a crypto-Jew is tipped off in a visual cue. As the inmates prepare for the December holidays by decorating the prison, Jones tapes a two-dimensional dreidel decoration to the wall upside down. Whether this indicates ignorance or a sign of Jewish distress (or Jews in distress), like the meaning of flying the American flag upside down, it is significant that this moment precedes, and perhaps precipitates, the scene where Jones's back story is revealed in flashback. Though nothing in the character's background particularly suggests she is Jewish, that she becomes a Buddhist after her conviction for mistakenly shooting and killing a neighbor's child when protecting her remote marijuana crop might be, as so many American Buddhists are Jewish, they are known as "JuBus." Jones's story also evokes the television character Dharma Finkelstein of Dharma & Greg (1997–2002) whose father is a Jewish hippie and befuddled pothead.46
Drug offender Nicky Nichols is the most prominent and clearly identifiable crypto-Jew on OITNB throughout its first five seasons. Yet a case can be made as well for Yael Stone's Lorna Morello. Stone, for example, was originally considered for the part of Nicky Nichols, but instead was cast as the working-class Italian-American Lorna Morello. This cultural slippage between Italian Americans and Jewish Americans has been long noted. In 1964, for example, Leslie Fiedler cited Paddy Chayefsky's Italian American Marty as a Jewish American being "presented as something else."47 More recently, Dominique Ruggieri and Elizabeth Leebron in their research on Jewish- and Italian-American women on television conclude that ever since Mama Rosa debuted in 1950, shortly after the transition of The Goldbergs from radio to television, both Jewish- and Italian-American women have been portrayed as:
selfish, pushy, materialistic, domineering, manipulative, assertive, loud, shallow, whiny, demanding, man-hunting, weight-conscious, high-maintenance, shopping-crazed bargain hunters, possessive, controlling, unmarried, success-oriented, food-oriented, asexual, and unattractive. Physical qualities that epitomize these characters include large noses, big hair, a dark complexion and issues with their bodies. The positive characteristics linked to these ethnic portrayals include strong family orientation, loyalty, and devotion as mothers.48
In addition, several prominent Italian-American television characters, such as Dorothy Petrollo-Zbornak on The Golden Girls (1985–1992) and Marie Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005) were played by Jewish actors, Bea Arthur and Doris Roberts respectively. Some Jewish media journalists have gone a step further and declared the entire Barone family Jewish because the show's Jewish creator, Phil Rosenthal, infused the series with storylines based on his own family.49 Similarly, crypto-Jew Costanza from Seinfeld, who is ostensibly Italian American, is played by a Jewish actor, as are his parents. It works both ways; Italian-American actor John Turturro has played Jews in multiple films.50 Moreover, on OITNB, the connection between Nicky and Lorna is part of the narrative. In the first episode of Season 1, we are introduced to both characters along with Piper, who discovers them having sex in the shower. The amorous relationship between Nichols, who is a lesbian, and Morello, who identifies as heterosexual, continues through the fifth episode, when Morello breaks it off to save herself for her fiancé. Nonetheless, their relationship maintains an emotional and at times physical intimacy. Furthermore, Lorna later reveals her fiancé is Jewish, and decides, "If I marry him, I'll be Jewish too."51
On her own, drug offender Nicky Nichols personifies the typical television crypto-Jew. Natasha Lyonne neé Bronstein's thick, wavy long hair and New York accent are key physical markers. Nicky, an articulate, insightful, and wisecracking lesbian, was raised in Manhattan by her professional, well-to-do, divorced mother. Nicky complains about and blames her mother's absence in her life for some of the psychic distress that undergirds her addiction. Flashbacks depict their difficult relationship; however, as her back story progresses, we see Nicky is an incorrigible addict who uses her smarts and sarcasm to manipulate her mother, who eventually throws up her hands. Nicky's mother's characterization is not stable in the show and there is no evidence to suggest she is a crypto-Jew herself. For example, she is not played by a Jewish actor. Perhaps then it is Nicky's truly absent father who is Jewish. After all, her last name mirrors jokester Joey Nichols, who is Woody Allen/Alvy Singer's father's friend in Annie Hall. As Joey's cultural descendant, Nicky's comedic abilities are more fully evolved: in another marker of Jewish-American identity, she performs stand-up during the prison holiday talent show.52 Moreover, Lyonne makes her own Jewish identity clear in interviews and in the extra feature "Getting to Know the Cast" on the Season 3 DVD, where she talks about living in Israel in the 1980s, and provides the wittiest responses to many of the questions she and the other actors are asked. Nicky is also the first character to use Yiddish words in the series and the first to term a gang of white supremacist inmates as Nazis.53
In critical readings of the show, Nicky has been noted for her non-normative lesbian body, i.e., she is perceived as non-conforming to dominant standards of beauty. Such critiques either laud the show for depicting Nicky enjoying her sexuality despite not being thin and "attractive" or find fault in that the white lesbians with leading roles, Piper and her girlfriend Alex (Laura Prepon), uphold and thus perpetuate these oppressive standards.54 Furthermore Nicky's (crypto-Jewish) hair is unruly, and she does not attend fully to grooming and behavioral practices associated with femininity such as being neat, tidy, and controlled in appearance or speech. Nicky's presentation thus can be seen as conforming to the view of Jewish women as unattractive. Nonetheless, Kyra Hunting finds that:
often it is not Piper, marked by the politics of respectability who is the moral center for the group of white women but drug addict and promiscuous Nicky—whose appearance and lascivious language has rough edges but who consistently provides the most rational advice to other inmates.55
In addition, Nicky articulates incisive feminist critiques. For example, in regard to Lorna's obsession about her future marriage to her fiancé, Nicky comments on "the wedding industrial complex and society's bullshit need to infantilize grown women." Though Nicky demonstrates the benefits of her college education in such comments, she does not use her well-honed analytical skills to assert her superiority in the same manner as Piper's displays of knowledge sometimes do and for which other inmates call her out.56
Claiming Nicky as a crypto-Jew opens up further possibilities for considering her within the genealogy of "tough Jews," who defy stereotypes of Jews as weak, passive, victims or brainy yet nebbishy nerds. Scholars and commentators have deployed the term "tough Jew" to describe a range of real and representational Jewish men, from early twentieth-century Jewish-American gangsters Meyer Lansky and Bugsy Siegel and Holocaust resistance fighters the Bielski Brothers, to the muscular Zionists and Israelis who forged a Jewish state and aim to protect the Jewish people. Nathan Abrams in The New Jew in Film extends the category to include the "tough Jewess with Attitude" seen in a number of turn-of-the-century films such as Miller's Crossing (1990), Homicide (1991), and Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005). Though Nicky engages in illegal activity, she is not a gangster in the Lansky mold, nor is she a righteous member of anti-fascist resistance. Instead, her brand of Jewish toughness is born of her defiant lesbian identity, rough street life as a junkie, and willingness to speak her mind. These attributes are essential components of her prison survival skills.57
The tough Jew is posited by Abrams as a one-half of a binary paired with the queer Jewish male. In regard to Jewish women, he explains:
the tough Jewess with Attitude not only rebels against stereo(typical) gender roles, demonstrating that she can perform the same roles and tasks as the Jew, but also questions the duality of gender in the first place, confounding both the general and Jewish binary logic.58
As Nicky is queer and tough, she confounds stereotypes about Jewish women's representation on television, and, as I discuss further below, the representation of Jewish women in OITNB. Perhaps Nicky's status as a crypto—rather than "out" Jew—is thus overdetermined because not only does she defy categorization, she is categorically defiant. However, the popular cultural presence of well-known Jews with histories of substance abuse such as Lenny Bruce, Bob Dylan, Hillel Slovak, and Amy Winehouse—and that Natasha Lyonne's own struggles as an addict inform Nicky's narrative—raises additional questions about the reluctance or apparent impossibility of presenting Nicky as Jewish.59
Like many of the inmates, Nicky is not only tough. She displays vulnerability, particularly in her relationship with her prison mother Red (Kate Mulgrew). Yet even crypto-Jew Nicky engages in a Judas betrayal by sharing with a corrupt prison guard her prison mom's secret method of getting in additional culinary supplies. He plans to use the information to smuggle in drugs. This will lead to Nicky's downfall, as she later is found with drugs in her possession and, early in Season 3, gets sent to the nearby higher security prison. The dispatching of Nicky underscores the tenuous status of the television crypto-Jew, whose identity both articulates and avoids representations of Jewishness. Crypto-Jews provide gestures of Jewish representation, however reified—such as physical features, names, personal qualities, comedic sensibilities and intellectual insights—that convey a sense of Jewishness detached from historical contexts and specific experiences. Thus, a crypto character's Jewish attributes can be assigned or withdrawn at will, evading narrative demands for continuity or follow-through. The tattoo of a cross Nicky sports on the inside of her forearm, for example, thus neither confirms nor denies her Jewish identity. Instead it speaks to the shifting construction of the crypto-Jew as both trope and pastiche.60
"Where my dreidel at?" Kosher Food and Conversion Narratives
It is telling that it is only shortly after Nicky leaves, that the first "out" Jewish inmate shows up. Or at least, the first inmate who asks for a kosher meal. It turns out she is not Jewish, but requests kosher meals to get better food. This is a real phenomenon in US prisons. According to a 2012 Forward article, just one-sixth of the 24,000 prisoners receiving kosher meals in America are Jewish.61 On OITNB, the quality of the kosher meals is quickly noticed by other inmates, particularly Cindy (Adrienne C. Moore), who is among the first to request one. By the next episode several other African-American characters whose back stories have been previously highlighted are also eating kosher. However, it is Cindy who most embraces the potential of claiming Jewish identity. When she is accused of not being Jewish, she replies, "You think you know my life? Shabbat Shalom, bitch!" And as one Jewish popular press article on the topic notes, Cindy's "quest for edible food" leads her to other Jewish references, "including 'Shanah tova and hava nagila. It is good to be chosen.'" In response to someone asking if a seat is taken, she replies, "Yeah. We're saving it for Elijah." Cindy pursues her desire to learn more about Jewish culture by checking out Fiddler on the Roof and a Woody Allen movie from the library, which is humorous yet also a self-referential gesture to the importance of popular cultural texts in disseminating information about what it means to be Jewish.62
Up to this point in the series, Cindy's character has largely served as comic relief. She is depicted as a fool and an immature petty thief who is in prison because she abused her position as a TSA officer to steal passengers' belongings at the airport.63 When a rabbi is brought into the now privatized prison to determine if prisoners requesting kosher meals are motivated by "sincerely held beliefs"—an actual legal standard employed to determine the validity of prisoners' claims to kosher meals—his interviews are relayed in a montage of inmates sharing both goofy ideas about what it means to be Jewish and some well-worn stereotypes that are played for laughs: "I think y'all are doing a wonderful job controlling the media. I mean we. We are doing a wonderful job;" and "I call my mother a lot, like every day, and, love a bargain." When asked whether she was raised Jewish, Cindy claims she was "born and bred," and recounts plot points from Annie Hall and Yentl. This strategy fails to keep her on the kosher meal list and Cindy decides to convert, ending the episode with its title question, "Where my dreidel at?"64
In the next episode we discover there actually are Jewish women inmates held at Litchfield; Cindy has sought them out to prepare for her conversion. One is Ginsberg (Jamie Denbo), who sheepishly reveals she has been convicted for money laundering when asked. This is an odd exchange not only because it is rare for a prisoner to be asked that question by another inmate, especially when they have just met, but also because Ginsberg's gesture when revealing the basis for her conviction conveys shame at having been caught both in the crime itself and in a crime that evokes the antisemitic association of Jews with money. However, that same information reassures Cindy that Ginsberg is indeed Jewish, as she was skeptical due to Gins-berg's blonde hair and blue eyes. In the commentary on the episode by its credited writer, who describes herself as an Irish Catholic, she explains that Kohan rewrote Ginsberg's monologue describing the inmate's upbringing. Ginsberg's experiences thus appear grounded in those of Kohan's herself, as when Ginsberg demonstrates she knows her Jewish chops by talking about her bat mitzvah and her Hebrew name, Shayna Malka.65
In the last episode of Season 3, Cindy, with Ginsberg and another Jewish inmate, Rhea Boyle (Yelena Shmulenson) by her side, meets with the rabbi. Rhea opens the conversation: "Why you want to go from a hated minority to a double-hated minority is beyond me," before turning to the rabbi, and vouching for Cindy by asserting, "she's for real." Cindy has chosen the Hebrew name Tovah—"which means good and it's all good now"—and explains she has traded granola bars with Ginsberg and Boyle for Hebrew lessons. The rabbi then asks, "What is this for you?" Cindy's reply, written by Kohan, is conveyed in a truly moving performance by Moore.
Honestly, I think I found my people. I was raised in a church where I was told to believe and pray. And if I was bad, I'd go to Hell. If I was good, I'd go to Heaven. And if I asked Jesus, he'd forgive me and that was that. And here y'all saying there ain't no Hell. Ain't sure about Heaven, and if you do something wrong, you got to figure it out yourself. And as far as God's concerned, it's your job to keep asking questions and to keep learning and to keep arguing. It's like a verb. You do God. … I want to learn more and I think I got to be in it to do that. … Can I be a Jew?
Cindy is ecstatic when he and both witnesses say yes, until she finds out she must also experience ritual immersion in a mikvah to make her conversion official. Ginsberg consoles her by explaining that although she is not a Jew yet, she is "Jew-ish."66
A miracle ensues for all the inmates when the guards go on strike and a construction crew accidentally rips open a hole in the fence, allowing everyone to take a dip in the lake on the other side. Most prisoners run in to enjoy their momentary freedom. Cindy finds Ginsberg, who recites the blessing as Cindy immerses her naked body in the water. Conversion complete, Gins-berg congratulates her with a "mazel tov" and Cindy is all smiles in a closeup shot depicting her deep expression of her new found source of joy. Cindy's transformation during a season in which all sorts of religious identities and meanings are explored is remarkable for her as a character and also for the way it explains the meaning of Judaism, and most importantly, the difference of Judaism, which the show affirms and upholds. Furthermore, the sensitive treatment of her conversion story creates opportunities to depict Jewish community within the prison, and allusions to Jewish community outside it. In so doing OITNB incorporates significant Jewish content that a focus on individuals, especially when occurring in fleeting moments or signaled in quips, cannot accomplish alone. I would argue the brief depiction of Jewish community on the show reveals the fissures of representing Jewishness without that larger communal context, and the potential for greater narrative depth when included.
African Americans and Jews by Choice
Cindy's conversion is credible as a personal journey that concludes the series' prison kosher food narrative, and also because it resonates with the experiences of other well- and lesser-known African-American converts—whether real or imagined—to Judaism. These "Jews by Choice" join a diverse Jewish community: a 1990 study conducted by the Council of Jewish Federations concluded that in the United States 2.4 percent of "self-identified Jews list their race as black," and "about 100,000" additional African Americans "reported having 'connections' to Judaism." In addition, African-born Jews comprise 14.6 percent of Israel's Jewish population.67 Popular entertainer and Rat Pack member Sammy Davis, Jr. was the most well-known African-American Jew for many decades following his 1960 conversion, which occurred after years of study and consultation with Reform rabbis in Los Angeles and Las Vegas. He and his Swedish fiancée, actress May Britt, "formally converted a few weeks before their wedding."68 Other well-known African-American converts include writer Julius Lester, actress Nell Carter, writer Jamaica Kincaid, and rapper Shyne. Convert Alysa Stanton became the first African-American woman rabbi in 2009. She decided to convert when in her twenties, explaining her choice in similar terms voiced by the fictional Cindy, "For me, Judaism was where I found a home." After overcoming initial hesitancy upon her hiring, she ultimately led the Congregation Bayt Shalom in Greenville, North Carolina to great acclaim.69
Fictional African-American Jews have also previously appeared on television. In an episode of the 1970s situation comedy Sanford and Son entitled "Funny, You Don't Look It," patriarch Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx) is told by a genealogist that he is a descendant of Ethiopian Jews. His initial reaction trades in stereotypes in a similar vein to Litchfield inmates' attempts to assert a legitimate claim to their kosher meals, such as articulating his new-found desire for his son to become a doctor. However, like Cindy, Fred then explores more deeply the meaning and history of Judaism and its rituals. When it turns out he was misinformed about his Jewish roots, he celebrates what he learned and appreciates his Jewish teacher's perspective that "Jews and blacks … have a lot in common," hoping that "the similarities will bring us closer together."70
Sammy Davis, Jr.'s conversion was also motivated by sentiments about connections between the two minority groups, in addition to spiritual connections he felt after a 1954 car crash in which he lost one of his eyes. He had become familiar with Jewish teachings and practices after working closely with Jewish entertainers such as Eddie Cantor, whom Davis credited for giving him his first big break. Davis particularly admired and was inspired by the Jewish people's ability to survive adversity.
These are a swinging bunch of people. I mean I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous! … They'd get kicked out of one place, so they'd just go on to the next one and keep swinging like they wanted to, believing in themselves and in their right to have rights, asking nothing but for people to leave 'em alone and get off their backs, and having the guts to fight to get themselves a little peace.71
Despite the lengthy period during which Davis considered conversion, when accomplished it was met with some skepticism and criticism. Ribbing from his Las Vegas Jewish comedian friends was to be expected, but he was also the object of charges from some African Americans that he converted to advance his career, and escape from his blackness. Such accusations may explain his 1980 statement in Ebony that "My people are my people and my religion is my religion. My people are first. I happen to be a Black Jew. I am Black first and the religion I have chosen is Judaism."72
African Americans who become or are born as Jews challenge static notions of black and Jewish identity. Popular cultural renditions can further evoke the fluid terms that construct identities generally. African-American inmate Cindy, in OITNB, seeks and finds a spiritual home by converting to Judaism. Moreover, African-American Jews, both real and imagined, create spaces for plural Jewish identities. Yet questions remain about the benefits, costs, and consequences of such transformations, and their meanings in cultural representations.
In Lovesong, Julius Lester's 1988 memoir, he explores his path to conversion and the many dimensions of his Jewish identity. In the book's preface Lester states, "I am no longer deceived by the black face which stars at me from the mirror. I am a Jew."73 This expression of tension between his identities as black and Jewish is articulated by other African-American converts as well. Assumptions when attending services at an unfamiliar congregation that one is a curious visitor and not Jewish, and accusations from African Americans that conversion to Judaism represents a desire to escape blackness and become white, are both common experiences of black Jews by Choice. However, among other diverse Jewish populations, African-American Jews open up conceptions of what an American Jew looks like and point to limitations regarding assumptions about Jews and whiteness. In OITNB, Cindy's character also points to more flexible understandings of Jewish-American identity. Cindy's turn to gospel music after an African-American inmate's death—"I may be a Jew now, but times like this call for some Black gospel no matter what"—is a tribute to the power of that musical form and an expression of her own dual moment when she articulates both her black and Jewish identities. Asserting Jewishness as American in this case is also related to African-American cultural expression. Moreover, as Terry Shoemaker points out, Cindy shows she "is capable of being both Jewish and African American."74
OITNB's deployment of an African-American character's conversion to Judaism to convey Jewish values and depict Jewish rituals without inclusion of a fully realized recurring Jewish-American character and community underscores the problematic representation of Jewish identity in American popular culture. Though Cindy in OITNB tells the visiting rabbi in Season 3 she has "found her people" when professing to the sincerity of her quest to become a Jew, Season 4 depicts her prison experience largely as before, living among and hanging out with her African-American friends, with sparse attention to her new found faith and its meaning for her. Despite her new mezuzah, the Jewish inmates who assisted her conversion have not become a part of her life and no longer appear on the show. Moreover, Cindy's Jewish identity flattens, expressed primarily by her and other inmates in articulations of stereotypical if not antisemitic Jewish avarice. Conflicts with Alison, a newly arrived African-American inmate who is Muslim, wears a hijab, and is assigned to the bunk next to Cindy's, lightly spoof tensions between the two groups, yet mostly at Cindy's expense. In one episode, Alison hopes to trade access to her contraband cell phone for some of Cindy's commissary-purchased tampons during a prison sanitary napkin shortage. When Alison references a Biblical admonition, "If there are poor among you, do not be selfish or greedy towards them" to make her case, Cindy rejects this view as Christian. In addition to demeaning Cindy by showing her to be ignorant of the shared basis of the Abrahamic religions, which Alison understands, the one-dimensional focus on stale jokes about Jewish greed that dominate Jewish references in Season 4 prevents Cindy from articulating deeply-held Jewish values—for example in this moment of potential tzedakah—as she had during the previous season's focus on her conversion.75 Thus, the show's sympathetic portrayal of Jewish faith, values, and identity is short-lived, and its reliance upon an African-American character who converts to convey the authenticity of the Jewish experience most fully proves unstable.
Despite their limitations, a century of cultural texts from The Jazz Singer to OITNB have served as vehicles for disseminating information via mass culture about Jewish practices, values, family life, and community concerns to gentile audiences. Such exposure serves an ongoing need, as African-American actress Yvonne Orji recently demonstrated when she said, "I know what Shabbat is by watching Curb Your Enthusiasm."76 Yet the apparent impossibility for OITNB, despite its well-deserved reputation for inclusivity, to incorporate a Jewish-American inmate, or an ongoing Jewish prison community, however small, for Cindy to continue to interact with, suggests Jewish television creators and writers are still struggling with a revised, contemporary version of the "write Yiddish, cast British" mandate. One expression of that dilemma occurs early in the series when a posted list of religious services is shown to include Catholic, Wiccan and Muslim, but omits a Jewish option.77
Nicky and Cindy: New Information and Missing Connections in Season 6
Six years into the series, Nicky's crypto-Jewish identity resolves via a flashback to her fraught bat mitzvah. Her parents are divorced, squabbling, and more concerned about superficial and materialist aspects of the event than their daughter's achievement. As the second pair of Jewish parents depicted on the show, they are far worse than Larry's, who, however misguided, at least cared about their son's well-being. The bat mitzvah plays out as a teenage revenge fantasy, as Nicky strays from her prepared Torah commentary to excoriate her parents in front of the congregation. Yet the additional details provided about Nicky's self-absorbed and neglectful parents, whose behavior has been referenced previously, though not as Jews, do not further humanize Nicky nor serve to explain in a compassionate manner her drug addiction and criminal behavior because her parents, like Larry's, are one-dimensional. As one reviewer assessed the season, "Nicky Nichol's bat mitzvah is a train wreck with some good laugh lines, but it does not feel like an indispensable part of this show." Rolling Stone's Season 6 review similarly found only one of the season's flashbacks—about two other characters—"worth the bother," and did not mention Nicky's at all.78
The bat mitzvah flashback comes after Nicky, who is facing significant additional prison time in the aftermath of a prison riot, has contacted her father for legal assistance, and he comes through. Themes of Jewish betrayal become central as he urges Nicky to betray Red—again—to save herself. She does, though Red in a Stella Dallas moment of maternal self-sacrifice grants her permission to do so.79 Moreover, Cindy faces a similar high-pressure situation. She contacts her conversion rabbi for legal assistance, which he facilitates. Here too, her lawyer advises her to betray her best friend.80 Though wracked with guilt—a "Jewish thing" another inmate explains—she does.81
Though Cindy asserts the primacy of her Jewish identity in this season by using her Hebrew name when she becomes co-host of a radio show within the prison, she must do so repeatedly to her gentile friends. Other audiences apparently also need convincing; it is interesting that in the closed captions for the show, she is always referred to as Cindy, not Tovah.82 Furthermore, though there are parallels to Nicky's and Tovah's story lines, they seem to exist, like these characters themselves, in separate worlds within the prison. They appear briefly together in a prison wedding scene, where Nicky has donned a yarmulke and prayer shawl to officiate, though the couple, Piper and Alex, are not Jewish and there is no Jewish content to the ceremony. The Jewish objects, which also include a chuppah, add an exotic vibe that liven up the dreary setting, but like Nicky and Tovah, do not connect in any meaningful way with their Jewish character, identity, or values. The cross tattoo on Nicky's forearm is prominently displayed in another indication of her continuing ambivalent status post bat mitzvah flashback. In a measure of the irrelevance of the Jewish components depicted at the wedding, many reviews of the episode do not mention them at all. Thus, the Jewish elements of this season's important final episode—that includes a classic TV series ratings magnet, a wedding—provide color or comic effect, detached from ritual and cultural significance.83
Conclusion
In OITNB's final, seventh season, Nicky retreats to her crypto-Jewish identity. Despite having a loving relationship with a lesbian Egyptian inmate held for an immigration violation, a seeming set up for jokes and storylines like those created for Alison and Cindy in Season 4, there is bupkis about Nicky's Jewishness in any of this season's episodes. In regard to Cindy, the brief references to her being Jewish in Season 7 are few and far between. Though her rabbi comes through for her again in writing an employment reference letter, which secures her a job, he is mentioned only in passing, and Cindy is never depicted interacting with other Jews. These retrenchments once again point to the instability of the crypto-Jew and convert in reliably relating Jewish identity, practices, and sensibilities in television narratives. Erasure and marginalization of Jewish perspectives also appear to be facilitated by the absence of depictions of Jewish community.
Over its seven seasons, OITNB's shifting representations of Jewish identity move from the Bloom stereotypes and crypto-Jew Nicky Nichols, to the inclusion of Ashkenazi Jews in minor supporting roles that are essential in supporting the conversion of higher profile character Cindy. In Season 4, the reversion to stereotypes about Jews accompanies the return of crypto-Jew Nicky, who has been transferred back from a higher security prison. Perhaps the series' success in featuring the stories of women of color, lesbians, and transwomen, and in building a fan base for its diverse cast, created the possibility for the open exploration of what it means to be a Jew, if only temporarily. Nonetheless the instability of Jewish identity in the show may suggest tensions and uncertainties surrounding the relationship of Jewish subjectivity to those more clearly understood as marginalized. Thus it is significant that the character with the most screen time who voices the most endearing and sympathetic Jewish perspective is a convert who expresses her Jewish identity through the lens of her experience as an African American. When Nicky is revealed to be Jewish in Season 6, it makes little difference, as her Jewish identity and that of Cindy/Tovah's typically find expression only in passing verbal quips or visual jokes. These indications are underscored in Season 7, the series' last, in which the Jewish identities of these characters are rarely referenced or elided completely. Like other television shows that only explore Jewish identity in the apparently safer context of interfaith marriages and relationships, Jewish identity in OITNB is most fully realized when linked with someone who is not, at least initially, Jewish, and whose struggles as an incarcerated African-American woman have been depicted previously in the series, though no Jewish inmate's story receives similar treatment. Moreover, the troubling treatment of Levy in Kerman's memoir finds an echo in references to Jewish identity on the series that mine well-worn stereotypes without addressing the consequences, for example, of antisemitism in similar ways that the series addresses racism and homophobia. Yet importantly, Cindy converts and becomes a Jew who is accepted by the Jewish inmates who supported her religious transformation and by the rabbi who authorized it. Her conversion narrative provides opportunities for compassionate expression of Jewish values, conveys information about Jewish rituals, and challenges static notions of Jewish identity.
Though OITNB incorporates if not champions the experiences and perspectives of a range of minority groups, portrays incarcerated women sympathetically, and aims to critically depict the prison-industrial complex, and deserves praise for doing so, the significant Jewish presence on OITNB still bears consideration as simultaneous displacement through deployment of familiar stereotypes, crypto-identities, and conversion narratives. As Malatino also finds in regard to trans issues, "the show subverts certain tropes," yet also relies on "stereotypes."84 Cindy's struggles to be recognized as Tovah are emblematic and suggest that a Jewish problem—the problem of Jewish representation—remains a forceful shaper of narratives and character development on episodic television and streaming series.
Notes
Michael O'Connell, "Nielsen Says 6.7M Watched Orange Is the New Black Premiere in 3 Days," Hollywood Reporter, June 29, 2016, http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/orange-is-new-black-ratings-907390; Daniel Holloway, "TV Ratings: Orange Is the New Black Premiere Numbers Revealed by Nielsen," Variety, June 29, 2016, http://variety.com/2016/tv/ratings/tv-ratings-orange-is-the-new-black-premiere-nielsen-1201805991/, accessed December 4, 2016. OITNB is the "most-watched show" on the streaming platform according to Netflix executive Ted Sarandos. Dana Birnbaum, "'Orange Is the New Black': Jenji Kohan, Cast Talks Season 4, Diversity, Binge-Watching," Variety, January 17, 2016, http://variety.com/2016/tv/news/orange-is-thenew-black-season-4-jenji-kohan-1201681782/, cited by Sarah Artt and Anne Schwan, "Screening Women's Imprisonment: Agency and Exploitation in Orange Is the New Black," Television & New Media 17:6 (September 2016): 468.
Suzanne Enck and Megan Morrissey, "If Orange Is the New Black, I Must be Color Blind: Comic Framings of Post-Racism in the Prison-Industrial Complex," Critical Studies in Media Communication 32:5 (October 2015): 303. Piper Kerman, Orange Is the New Black (New York: Random House, 2010). See also Internet Movie Data Base, which notes over 250,00 reviews and an overall viewer rating of 8.1, www.imdb.com, accessed March 14, 2019.
Numerous articles laud the show's diverse cast, even those finding fault with how specific individuals and groups are represented. See for example, Roxanne Gay, "The Bar for TV Diversity Is Way Too Low," Salon, August 22, 2013. Gay notes, "You can't blink without someone celebrating the show's diversity," accessed March 10, 2019, https://www.salon.com/2013/08/22/the_bar_for_tv_diversity_is_way_too_low/.
“Orange Creator Jenji Kohan: Piper Was My Trojan Horse," Fresh Air, National Public Radio, August 13, 2013, accessed December 4, 2016, http://www.npr.org/2013/08/13/211639989/orange-creator-jenji-kohan-piper-was-my-trojan-horse. See also Jason Demers, "Is a Trojan Horse an Empty Signifier? The Televisual Politics of Orange Is the New Black," Canadian Review of American Studies/Revue Canadienne d'Études Américaines 47:3 (2017).
For essay collections with a range of perspectives on the series and how it represents particular groups, see Shirley A. Jackson and Laurie L. Gordy, eds., Caged Women: Incarceration, Representation and Media (New York: Routledge, 2018); April Householder and Adrienne Trier-Bieniek, eds., Feminist Perspective on Orange Is the New Black (Jefferson, NC: McFarland & Co., 2016), and Television & New Media 17:6 (September 2016), special issue, ed. Sarah Artt and Anne Schwan.
Analysis of religion on the show that discuss Jewish themes include Terry Shoemaker, "Escaping Our Shitty Reality: Counterpublics, Orange Is the New Black, and Religion," Journal of Religion and Popular Culture 29.3 (Fall 2017): 217–229, and Terri Toles Patkin, "Broccoli, Love, and the Holy Toast: Cultural Depictions of Religion in Orange Is the New Black," in Shirley A. Jackson and Laurie L. Gordy, eds., Caged Women: Incarceration, Representation and Media (New York: Routledge, 2018), 227–238.
Foundational texts in Jewish television studies include Jonathan and Judith Pearl, The Chosen Image: Television's Portrayal of Jewish Themes and Characters (Jefferson, NC: McFarland & Co., 1999); Vincent Brook, Something Ain't Kosher Here: The Rise of the "Jewish" Sitcom (New Brunswick: Rutgers University Press, 2003); David Zurawik, The Jews of Prime Time (Hanover: Brandeis University Press, 2003). For a critical assessment of the field, see Michele Byers and Rosalin Krieger, "Beyond Binaries and Condemnation: Opening New Theoretical Spaces in Jewish Television Studies," Culture, Theory & Critique 46:2 (2015): 131–145. Some studies incorporate consideration of both television and film. See for example, J. Hoberman and Jeffrey Shandler, Entertaining America: Jews, Movies, and Broadcasting (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2003); Paul Buhle, ed., Jews and American Popular Culture, vol. 1 (Westport, CT: Praeger, 2007); Joshua Louis Moss, Why Harry Met Sally: Subversive Jewishness, Anglo-Christian Power, and the Rhetoric of Modern Love (Austin: University of Texas, 2017); Michael Renov and Vincent Brook, eds., From Shtetl to Stardom: Jews and Hollywood (West Lafayette, IN: Purdue University Press, 2017).
OITNB, www.imdb.com
"I Wasn't Ready," OITNB season 1, episode 1, Netflix, July 11, 2013. Piper tells Larry not to inform his father about her predicament because "he already hates me."
Larry Smith, "My Life with Piper: From Big House to Small Screen: The Other True Story Behind Orange Is the New Black," Medium, July 14, 2014, accessed December 4, 2016, https://medium.com/matter/my-life-with-piper-from-big-house-to-small-screen-592b35f5af94#.t5josbg1p.
Jeremy Diamond, "Trump: DNC Chairwoman 'Crazy' 'Neurotic Woman,'" CNN, November 2, 2015, https://www.cnn.com/2015/11/02/politics/donald-trump-debbie-wasserman-schultz-crazy-neurotic-woman/index.html; Miriam Levine, "Am I That 'Crazy Neurotic' Jewish Woman Donald Trump Is Describing?" Forward, November 3, 2015, accessed December 4, 2016, http://forward.com/sisterhood/323877/the-crazy-neurotic-jewish-woman/
"I Wasn't Ready," OITNB season 1, episode 1.
13. Biggs also portrayed American Pie character Jim Levenstein in American Pie 2 (2001), American Wedding (2003), and American Reunion (2012).
Sigal Samuel, "Does Orange Is the New Black Have a Jewish Problem?" The Daily Beast, July 18, 2013, accessed December 4, 2016 http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/07/18/does-orange-is-the-new-black-have-a-jewish-problem.html.
Ashley Burns, "A Guide to the Internet's Love of Hating Larry Bloom from Orange Is the New Black," Uproxx, June 30, 2014, accessed December 4, 2016 http://uproxx.com/tv/aguide-to-the-internets-love-of-hating-larry-bloom-from-orange-is-the-new-black/3/.
Ibid. See also Kimberly Potts, "Orange Is the New Black: You're Not the Only One Who's Not on Team Larry," Yahoo TV, June 20, 2014, accessed December 15, 2016, https://www.yahoo.com/tv/orange-is-the-new-black-youre-not-the-only-one-96478890565.html.
"WAC Pack," OITNB season 1, episode 6, Netflix, July 11, 2013; "Blood Donut," OITNB season 1, episode 7, Netflix, July 11, 2013.
"Moscow Mule," OITNB season 1, episode 8, Netflix, July 11, 2013.
"F … sgiving," OITNB season 1, episode 9, Netflix, July 11, 2013; "Bora, Bora, Bora," OIT NB season 1, episode 10, Netflix, July 11, 2013; "Tall Men with Feelings," OITNB season 1, episode 11, Netflix, July 11, 2013.
Larry Smith, "A Life to Live This Side of the Bars," New York Times, March 28, 2010, accessed December 4, 2016, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/28/fashion/28Love.html. He wrote an earlier "Modern Love" column about proposing to marry Piper that did not mention her recent prison experience. Larry Smith, "Hear that Wedding March Often Enough You Fall in Step," New York Times, December 26, 2004.
"Comic Sans," OITNB season 2, episode 7, Netflix, June 6, 2014; "Take a Break from Your Values," OITNB season 2, episode 11, Netflix, June 6, 2014.
Smith, "My Life with Piper."
See for example Yasmin Nair, who states, "White women like Kerman leave prison with book contracts, while others keep moving through its doors, fodder for the expanding Prison Industrial Complex." Idem, "White Chicks Behind Bars," In These Times, July 18, 2013, accessed March 10, 2019, http://inthesetimes.com/article/15311/white_chick_behind_bars/. The term "trauma porn" emerged to signal concerns about the show's exploitative aspects. Ashleigh Shackelford, "Orange Is the New Black Is Trauma Porn Written for White People," June 20, 2016, accessed March 10, 2019, https://wearyourvoicemag.com/culture/orange-is-the-new-black-trauma-porn-written-white-people.
Jenji Kohan, Tara Hermann, Hartley Voss, and Alex Regnery, Orange Is the New Black Presents: The Cookbook (New York: Abrams Image, 2014).
Cleary Wolters, Out of Orange: A Memoir (New York: Harper Collins, 2015), 4–8, 300–303.
Shackelford, "Trauma Porn;" Keah Brown, "Season Four of Orange Is the New Black Has a Race Problem," June 30, 2016, accessed May 14, 2019, https://medium.com/the-establishment/season-four-of-orange-is-the-new-black-has-a-race-problem-159a999dc66c.
Hilary Malatino, "The Transgender Tipping Point: The Social Death of Sophia Burset," in April Householder and Adrienne Trier-Bieniek, eds., Feminist Perspective on Orange Is the New Black (Jefferson, NC: McFarland & Co., 2016), 95–110.
Kerman, Orange Is the New Black, 49; see also "WAC Pack," OITNB season 1, episode 6.
Kerman, Orange Is the New Black, 90.
Ibid., 91, 111.
Ibid., 94
Ibid., 114.
Ibid., 97.
Ibid., 199.
Ibid., 200.
Ibid., 200–201.
Kerman writes: "Prison is quite literally a ghetto in the most classic sense of the world [sic], a place where the US government now puts not only the dangerous but also the inconvenient—people who are mentally ill, people who are addicts, people who are poor and uneducated and unskilled. Meanwhile the ghetto in the outside world is a prison as well, and a much more difficult one to escape from than this correctional compound. … t." Ibid.
Maltino, "Transgender Tipping Point," 101.
Lynne Tuohy, "Don't Worry Martha, It's Like a Big Hotel," Hartford Courant, September 19, 2004. There are Holocaust references in the series; for example, inmate Red refers to Anne Frank in "Blood Donut," OITNB season 1, episode 7.
See for example, Nair, "White Chicks;" Shackelford, "Trauma Porn;" Brown, "Season Four"; Cate Young, "On Orange Is the New Black and the Destruction of Black Bodies," July 14, 2016, accessed March 10, 2019, https://medium.com/the-establishment/season-four-oforange-is-the-new-black-has-a-race-problem-159a999dc66c.
For earlier use of the term, see for example, Lucien Wolf, "Crypto-Jews under the Commonwealth: A Paper Read before the Jewish Historical Society of England on Re-Settlement Day, February 4th, 1894," (London: Jewish Chronicle Office, 1894).
Leslie Fielder, "Jewish-Americans, Go Home!" in Leslie Fielder, ed., Waiting for the End: The American Literary Scene from Hemingway to Baldwin (New York: Stein and Day, 1964), 91. See also Henry Popkin, "The Vanishing Jew of Our Popular Culture: The Little Man Who Is No Longer There," Commentary, July 1952.
Jeffrey Shandler, "At Home on the Small Screen: Television's New York Jews," in J. Hoberman and Jeffrey Shandler, Entertaining America: Jews, Movies, and Broadcasting (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2003), 244–257; Zurawik, Jews of Prime Time, passim, 51–54; Vincent Brook, Something Ain't Kosher Here: The Rise of the "Jewish" Sitcom (New Brunswick: Rutgers University Press, 2003); Pearl and Pearl, The Chosen Image, 73–4, 155.
Zurawik, Jews of Prime Time, chapters 4 and 6; Brook, Something Ain't Kosher. Also notable is the Jewish family depicted in Brooklyn Bridge, 1991–1993.
Jon Stewart debuted on The Daily Show in 1999; Curb Your Enthusiasm launched the next year. Transparent began streaming in 2014, the year after OITNB's first season. Debra Nussbaum Cohen, "How Jill Soloway Created Transparent—the Jewiest Show Ever," Forward, October 21, 2014, cited by Roberta Rosenberg, "The Importance of Jewish Ritual in the Secular, Postmodern World of Transparent, Jewish Film & New Media 5:1 (Spring 2017): 98.
"Fool Me Once," OITNB season 1, episode 12, Netflix, July 11, 2013. See for example, Emily Sigalow, American JuBu: Jews, Buddhists, and Religious Change (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2019).
Fielder, "Jewish Americans," 91.
Elizabeth J. Leebron and Dominique G. Ruggieri, "How TV Portrays Jewish and Italian Women," Television Quarterly 34: 3/4 (Spring 2004): 41; Dominique G. Ruggieri and Elizabeth J. Leebron, "Situation Comedies Imitate Life: Jewish and Italian-American Women on Prime Time," The Journal of Popular Culture 43:6 (2010): 1266–1281; 1269. The article cites a 1998 study by Hadassah of portrayals of Jewish women in the media that found similar qualities.
Ellen Sandler, "Raymond Barone, Crypto-Jew?" Jewish Journal, January 24, 2002, accessed December 15, 2016, http://jewishjournal.com/culture/arts/5412/; Tom Teicholz, "The Heroes of Jewish Comedy," Jewish Journal, July 4, 2003, accessed December 15, 2016, http://jewishjournal.com/news/16/the-heroes-of-jewish-comedy/.
Turturro plays Jewish characters in such films as Mo' Better Blues (1990), Miller's Crossing (1990), Barton Fink (1991), and Quiz Show (1994). In The Truce (1997), he portrays Holocaust survivor Primo Levi. It is also worth noting that Jason Biggs is three-quarters Italian American, and Jewish actors James Caan, Henry Winkler, and Edward G. Robinson have portrayed Italian Americans (Sonny Corleone in The Godfather, The Fonz in Happy Days and Rico in Public Enemy, respectively). See Nathan Abrams, The New Jew in Film: Exploring Jewishness and Judaism in Contemporary Cinema (New Brunswick: Rutgers University Press, 2012).
"Fear and Other Smells," OITNB season 3, episode 8, Netflix, June 11, 2015.
"Can't Fix Crazy," OITNB season 1, episode 13, Netflix, July 11, 2013.
See for example, "Take a Break from Your Values," OITNB season 2, episode 11; "It Sounded Nicer in My Head," OITNB season 4, episode 7, Netflix, June 17, 2016.
Sarah Fryett, "'Chocolate and Vanilla Swirl, Swi-irl': Race and Lesbian Identity Politics," in April Kalogeropoulos Householder and Adrienne Trier-Bieniek, eds., Feminist Perspectives on Orange Is the New Black (Jefferson, NC: McFarland, 2016), 16.
Kyra Hunting, "All in the (Prison) Family: Genre Mixing and Queer Representation," in April Kalogeropoulos Householder and Adrienne Trier-Bieniek, eds., Feminist Perspectives on Orange Is the New Black (Jefferson, NC: McFarland, 2016), 120.
Sarah Gibbons, "'Can't fix crazy': Confronting Able-Mindedness," in April Kalogeropoulos Householder and Adrienne Trier-Bieniek, eds., Feminist Perspectives on Orange Is the New Black (Jefferson, NC: McFarland, 2016), 213.
Paul Breines, Tough Jews: Political Fantasies and the Moral Dilemma of American Jewry (New York: Basic Books, 1990); Nathan Abrams, The New Jew in Film: Exploring Jewishness and Judaism in Contemporary Cinema (New Brunswick: Rutgers University Press, 2012).
Abrams, The New Jew, 132.
Ben Stiller played Jewish writer and heroin addict Jerry Stahl in the 1998 film based on his memoir Permanent Midnight. "Fool Me Once," OITNB season 1, episode 12.
"Friends in Low Places," OITNB season 4, episode 8, Netflix, July 17, 2016.
Naomi Zeveloff, "Kosher Prisons in U.S. Spend Millions on Food for Non-Jewish Inmates," Forward, April 30, 2012, accessed December 15, 2016, https://forward.com/news/155363/not-just-jews-eat-kosher-food-in-prison/.
Linda Buchwald, "Orange Is the New Black: The Best Jewish Moments from the New Season," Jewish Telegraph Agency, June 15, 2015, accessed December 15, 2106, https://www.jta.org/2015/06/15/arts-entertainment/orange-is-the-new-black-the-best-jewish-momentsfrom-the-new-season. "Ching Chang Chong," OITNB season 3, episode 6, June 11, 2015; "Tongue-Tied," OITNB season 3, episode 7 Netflix, June 11, 2015; "Fear and Other Smells," OITNB season 3, episode 8.
"Comic Sans," OITNB season 2, episode 7.
“Where My Dreidel At?" OITNB season 3, episode 9, Netflix, June 11, 2015.
"A Tittin and a Hairin'," OITNB season 3, episode 10, Netflix, June 11, 2015.
"Trust No Bitch," OITNB season 3, episode 13, Netflix, June 11, 2015.
Nora Rubel, "Chicken Soup for the Souls of Black Folk: African American Converts to Judaism and the Negotiation of Identity," Social Compass 51:3 (2004): 335–347, accessed June 22, 2018, http://www.academia.edu/5543962/Chicken_Soup_for_the_Souls_of_Black_Folk_African_American_Converts_to_Judaism_and_the_Negotiation_of_Identity_English_Translation_.
Rebecca Davis, "'These Are a Swinging Bunch of People': Sammy Davis, Jr., Religious Conversion, and the Color of Jewish Ethnicity," American Jewish History 100:1 (January 2016): 40.
Amanda Seigel, "Celebrating African American Jews" New York Public Library Blog, February 11, 2016, accessed June 22, 2018, https://www.nypl.org/blog/2016/02/11/celebrating-african-american-jews; Dina Kraft, "Rapper Finds Order in Orthodox Judaism in Israel, New York Times, November 10, 2010, accessed June 22, 2018, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/11/arts/music/11shyne.html?pagewanted=all. Stewart Ain, "Pulpit of Col-or," The New York Jewish Week, May 20, 2009, accessed June 22, 2018, https://web.archive.org/web/20110615044723/http://www.thejewishweek.com/features/pulpit_color.
Pearl and Pearl, The Chosen Image, 82–83.
Sammy Davis, Jr., Yes I Can: The Story of Sammy Davis, Jr. (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1965), 246–247, emphasis in original, cited by Rebecca Davis, "'These Are a Swinging Bunch of People': Sammy Davis, Jr., Religious Conversion, and the Color of Jewish Ethnicity," American Jewish History 100:1 (January 2016): 36.
"Becoming a Jew Gave New Meaning to Davis' Life" Jet, June 4, 1990, 29. The entire issue was devoted to "Sammy Davis Jr., World's Greatest Entertainer, 1925–1990."
Julius Lester, Lovesong: Becoming a Jew (New York: Arcade Books, 1988), 1, cited in Adam Meyer, "Gee, You Don't Look Jewish: Julius Lester's Lovesong, an African-American Jewish-American Autobiography," Studies in American Jewish Literature 18 (1999): 41–51.
"Toast Can Never Be Bread Again," OITNB season 4, episode 13, Netflix, June 17, 2016. Shoemaker, "Escaping Our Shitty Reality," 225.
"Power Suit," OITNB season 4, episode 2, Netflix, June 17, 2016; "We'll Always Have Baltimore," OITNB season 4, episode 5, Netflix, June 17, 2016.
Sonaiya Kelley, "Yvonne Orji on Dating, Virginity and Playing Sexually Liberated Molly on 'Insecure,'" Los Angeles Times, July 28, 2017.
"The Chickening," OITNB season 1, episode 5, Netflix, July 11, 2013.
"I'm the Talking Ass," OITNB season 6, episode 4, Netflix, July 27, 2018. Kathryn VanArendonk, Orange Is the New Black Season 6 Is Aimless, But Still Compelling," July 18, 2018, accessed May 14, 2019, https://www.vulture.com/2018/07/orange-is-the-new-black-season-6-review.html; Alan Sepinwall, "Orange Is the New Black Season 6 Review: Maximum Security, Medium Payoff," Rolling Stone, July 25, 2018, accessed May 14, 2019, https://www.rollingstone.com/tv/tv-reviews/orange-is-the-new-black-season-6-review-701476/.
"Who Knows Better Than I" OITNB season 6, episode 1; "Sh*tstorm Coming" OITNB season 6, episode 2, Netflix, July 27, 2018; "Look Out for Number One," OITNB season 6, episode 3, Netflix, July 27, 2018; "I'm the Talking Ass," OITNB season 6, episode 4.
"Who Knows Better Than I" OITNB season 6, episode 1; "Sh*tstorm Coming;" OITNB season 6, episode 2.
"Well This Took a Dark Turn," OITNB season 6, episode 11, Netflix, July 27, 2018; "Double Trouble," OITNB season 6, episode 12, Netflix, July 27, 2018.
Cindy asserts her name as Tovah in season 6 episodes, such as episode 6, "State of the Uterus;" OITNB, Netflix, July 27, 2018; episode 7, "Changing Winds," OITNB, Netflix, July 27, 2018; and episode 9, "Break the String," OITNB, Netflix, July 27, 2018.
"Be Free," OITNB Season 6, episode 13, July 27, 2018. VanArendonk, "Season 6 Is Aimless"; Alana Altman, "Alex and Piper's Wedding on Orange Is the New Black Season 6 Was A Bright Light," July 27, 2018, https://www.elitedaily.com/p/alex-pipers-wedding-onorange-is-the-new-black-season-6-was-a-bright-light-9869449; Isabella Silvers, "Here's what the Orange Is the New Black Cast Thought About That Surprise Wedding," Cosmopolitan, August 7, 2018, https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/a22666213/orange-is-the-new-black-season-6-piper-alex-wedding/. All accessed June 7, 2019.
Maltino, "Transgender Tipping Point," 95.
#jews#jews in entertainment#cultural depictions of jews#orange is the new black#the goldbergs#television#conversion#stereotypes#religion#religion in entertainment#crypto-jews#narrative#character development
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fr the poem questions: all of them >: )c
jared... only for you...
the tyger – are you a taker of calculated risks or do you enjoy playing with fire? would you rather ask for permission or forgiveness?
i am a major rule follower, i am not at all adventurous and i like to stay in my comfort zone. my life is a mix of staying true to my comfort zone and doing what I feel is right, first instinct.
i carry your heart with me – do you believe in fate? what’s your secret to living a good life?
i tend to not believe in fate, it tends to make people not take responsibility for their actions and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth; predestination takes away humility from us. and i wouldnt say that im currently living a good life, its getting there but more often then not i would not describe my days as ‘happy’, more so just another day. but to make a day not outwardly bad, i firmly believe in having a really good breakfast in the morning and taking a shower at night. both of those really make my days better.
i wandered lonely as a cloud – what does nature mean to you? where do you feel most at peace?
nature for me is what comes to us instinctively and what we turn to for comfort in trying times. i feel the most at peace either at summer camp or in my bedroom with my cat :3
blackberrying – what were your early years like? do you miss being a child?
my early years were very happy, i was a very happy and funloving child. it was a time where i wasnt told about any of my family drama so i lived in blissful ignorance. i definitely miss being a child, all the way up to about 7th grade. its just been downhill from 8th grade and on.
ode to a nightingale – how do you feel about your own mortality? do you believe in life after death?
my mortality is something of a burden i carry with me everyday, a reminder that every minute is precious and this is the only life i get, i have one shot to not fuck it up. i dont believe in the afterlife, the concept of death is something that if i think too hard about then itll fuck me up.
hope is the thing with feathers – what gives you hope? what would you tell your 10-year-old self?
hope comes from those news stories about good news, like charity donation goals being hit and remembered anniversaries and flower bouquets in public, there is good in the world and sometimes its hard to find but its always there. to my 10 year old self, i would tell her to not hold too tightly to those around you, and that life constantly changes so dont get too attached or comfortable because itll prevent you from growing in the future.
the road not taken – do you find it hard to make decisions? what regrets do you have?
its really hard to make decisions because i always assume that my ideas are wrong or bad so if someone else takes the lead, i cant be blamed. as far as regrets, i wish that in my past, i just put myself out there more. i couldve spent highschool actively seeking for possibilities instead of sulking and wishing they came to me. they dont ever, you have to find them.
still i rise – what's your relationship with yourself like? what are your best qualities?
i have a bad relationship to myself; if i admire one trait about myself, the other traits must be less than. for example, if i think i look nice one day, then i remember abt my grades or my writing and how much i hate both of those. i can never be fully at peace, it will never be enough to sate my psyche. my ‘best’ qualities depend on the day, right now i think i have nice eyelashes.
howl – can you express yourself freely? do you feel smothered by societal norms?
i struggle everyday to be my genuine self. its not so much societal norms but my own mind; i want to look nice but i dont want to attract too much attention. i want to be remembered but not for how good my ass looks or whatever. my biggest fear is that people see me as something desirable but only sexually so i want to dress how i feel but i cant because im terrified of the gaze of men on my campus.
the raven – are you in touch with your feelings? how would you describe the relationship between emotions & rationality?
im extremely in touch with my feelings. i can acknowledge when i am angry or sad or happy, even if i dont know why. i allow myself to feel my feelings and then let them pass, i hate bottling those things up. between emotions and rationality, i use my emotions 9 times out of 10. i ask myself, ‘what do i want?’ and the first thing i come up with, i know is what i truly want to do.
sonnet 116 – how do you define love? what qualities do you look for in a significant other?
i think love is everything; its the warmth of hanging out with familiar people, its when people remember facts about you, its a meaningful hug and its ‘this reminded me of you’. its different for everyone but i feel love in everything i do. in a significant other, the biggest thing is being able to make me laugh, if youre funny than im sold.
to autumn – what's your favorite season and why? what cherished memories do you associate with that season?
my favorite season is winter because it has lots of holiday warmth, good food, pleasant childhood memories, and comfortable clothing. also i love snow. i have very vivid memories of a blizzard in maryland when i was 11(?) years old, my neighbor tied a sled to the back of his ATV and dragged us around the cul de sac, it was so much fun!!
the waste land – do you like big cities? if you could choose any place on earth, where would you settle down?
i love big cities, they evoke so many feelings of love and the atmosphere being surrounded by people makes me so happy! if i could live anywhere, i think it would be san francisco, i love the city and the weather and the public transportation!!
o captain! my captain! – what are your aspirations in life? what motivates you?
in life, i want to give a tedtalk. i would also love to publish a book but i dont like what i write so if i ever did, id end up hating the book anyway in a year or so. i want to teach people the joy of public speaking and i want to give kids the joys i had given to me by my teacher when i was their age. my motivation comes from, this has to be done and if no one else will do it, it might as well be me. i have the passion and everything else will follow after that.
she walks in beauty – what's your aesthetic? how would you describe the relationship between inner goodness & outer beauty?
id describe my aesthetic as lovecore, i love the color pink and red and hearts and flowers and teddy bears and dresses and sparkles and valentines day and i love everything stereotypically ‘cute’. and i feel there is no outer beauty without inner goodness, if someone has bad intentions or a rotten core, their outward appearance will reflect.
one art – how do you deal with loss? do you write diary entries, poetry or prose?
thankfully i have not had to go through tremendous loss in my life but when i feel an emotional loss or general low point, i tend to move towards art, aimless doodling to take my mind off of situations. it centers me.
work, sometimes – how does your favorite weather make you feel? what is happiness to you?
my favorite weather makes me feel SO happy, all smiley and giddy and like things are going to be okay, just for one day, i will make this a good one. happiness to me is comfort and joy, its something that makes you laugh until your sides hurt and its art that you look at and feel. happiness isnt a huge moment, its little moments scattered throughout the days.
acquainted with the night – do you think there's such thing as the right time? what’s your outlook on the world?
no, i dont like to set things off for the thought of there being a right and wrong time. time isnt real and we only have so long on earth so there is no time but the present. go get that tattoo, ask them out, eat that snack. my outlook on the world is that there is a lot of bad shit but there is also a lot of good shit you will never see but it important nonetheless. you cant change the world in a day so you might as well take it one day at a time, working everyday to make it as good as possible.
if – do you daydream a lot? are you volatile, or do you stay calm when conflicts arise?
i love to day dream, it helps me determine what i really want and its a lovely distraction when the goings get tough. i try to avoid conflicts in every situation possible but if i were pushed, id either accept my mistake and apologize and work towards a better future; or i would tell the other person how im feeling and what i can do to help them feel better.
what would i give? – do you cry often? if you could change anything about your past, what would it be?
things make me sad but rarely enough to cry, things more so tend to weigh me down then break me. i let the sadness take me however it sees fit. and if thats to cry, so be it. if i could change anything about my past, i would just say that you will only get this chance to start over in a new state once, the years will go by quick so to TAKE OPPORTUNITIES WHEN THEY SHOW THEM SELF TO YOU!!!!!!
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Monday Mornings
Bucky x Reader
Previous Chapters
Summary: All you wanted to do was help the people of New York get through what had happened to them. But how were you supposed to help the man who just sat on your couch?
Bucky arrived promptly at six to your office the week following his abrupt departure. You half expected this to be the start of what you typically and ominously referred to as The Departure. You had seen it before, a client would leave early or arrive late for a few more sessions before never returning, avoiding phone calls and emails checking in on their wellbeing that would have to morph into unpaid bill notices and threats of collection agencies. You hated reaching that point, usually reminding yourself not to take it personally, it was just business after all, but rarely could you separate yourself from the situation and think of your services as simply transactional. When Bucky had left it took until he stepped through your door the following week to let go of the knot of anxiousness you had been holding in your chest. A knot that tangled and twisted around itself at the idea of losing him.
But here he was, bright eyed and slightly bashful as he held out a paper coffee cup that you had yet to take from him. Not only had he come back, he had arrived on time and with a coffee obviously meant to be a request of repentance. You took it from him gingerly after a beat, smiling graciously.
"Thank you, this is very sweet, but you didnt have to-"
He let out a small chuckle before shaking his head, "I wanted to."
You nodded, the gesture one of thankful acceptance. You brought the lid to your lips and let the hot mixture of coffee and milk settle on your tongue. Unthinkingly you pulled a face at the flavor, something was off.
"Uh sorry if it tastes weird. I tried to describe the markings I saw on the side of your cup to the barista. Must've got it wrong." He shrugged sheepishly, head hung low as he rubbed the back of his neck with his exposed metallic hand.
Your eyes coasted along the unclothed limb, taking a mental note of his decision to leave the metal uncovered. He was apologetic, thoughtful of your time, and getting more comfortable in your presence. Your stomach soured as you took another sip of the coffee, though the curdling in your middle had nothing to do with taste and everything to do with the bitterness you felt at your selfish wish that Bucky wasn't your patient. The actions blurred the professional line you had drawn upon his first session, the line that held you desire to know him on a more romantic level at bay while your duty as a psychologist continued it's more important job.
You cleared your throat and gestured to the couch which Bucky sat upon eagerly, as if he were waiting for your permission, as if the coffee wasn't enough for him to know he was in your good graces. You set the drink down on the table between you, noticing the mark on the cup that made this concoction different than your usual. Soy milk.
"Well I am glad you are here because we have a score to settle." You teased, rising from your seat and making your way to the shelf beside your still open door, you closed it softly and the room was wrapped in a blanket of privacy. You bent slightly to grab the deck of cards, now shuffled and stacked in a pile on the second to last shelf. It was time for a rematch.
"Can't let my best girl think she's won by default now can I?" Bucky said from behind you, his tone cocksure. You smirked and turned back to look at him, finding him relaxed against the back of the couch, his arms stretched wide taking up the entirety of the seat and allowing you a greedy look at his strong arms and muscular chest, your eyes flicked up from their lingering glance and your eyes would have met Bucky's if his gaze was not squared intently on your backside.
You bit your lip and straighted, trying with all your might to ignore the image in your mind; eyes of bright blue drinking you in like a tall glass of lemonade. You reasoned with yourself, forcing your logical mind to accept what you planned to say next which could continue you on this flirtatious track.
"Best girl huh?" Your voice was casual, lilted with the smallest tease that matched the pointed raise of your eyebrow. You doled out card between you, setting up the game while Bucky's laid back stance shifted yet again to one of uncertainty, a timid stumble of sputtered words that did not end in a complete sentence until a couple of tries in.
"I don't know a lot of dames so yeah, out of the ones I know I guess you're my favorite. You're the only one-" he cut off suddenly, picking up his cards and studying them too keenly to be believed. You moved about the cards in your hand, matching up pairs and suits while you waited patiently for what would hopefully be a big stroke to your ego. He sighed petulantly after the silence stretched long enough to tell him you would not give in and change the subject.
"You're the only one I find myself wanting to be around."
Your heart practically jumped from your chest, up your neck, and out of your mouth to hurl itself at Bucky and promise to be his forever. Luckily your heart was incapable of embarrassing you in such a way.
"Is there a reason you don't know a lot of women?" You asked as you displayed the triplet of cards bearing the number eight in black, black, and red. You asked partially out of curiosity, but mostly out of habit, knowing these inquires would bring you closer to helping him with whatever brought him to you in the first place.
"The ones I know I..." he started, then closed his lips and gave himself a moment to roll a few words around in his mouth before choosing the one that tasted best, "work with. I don't get out much."
"What do you do in your spare time?"
He considered the question as he placed down a pair of jacks and discarded a two. It was fascinating to watch him choose his words so carefully, like he knew each one had to have significance. Thoughtful. The word echoed in your head.
"I mostly work out, I dont just lie about my running habits to my friends to spend time with you." He joked and you cracked a smile. You drew a card from the deck and immediately threw it down as a discard.
"I like to read." He offered as he took his turn, "I also like to go to the farmers market on Saturdays."
"The farmers market is a great place to meet people." You said.
"I've met a few people," he sighed putting down a full set of fours, making you pout at his sudden lead. "But it doesnt ever go anywhere."
You mulled over the halfhearted excuse, letting it swim in your head. Bucky was gorgeous, there was not denying it and no doubt that's what drew women to him as he perused the Saturday market. What happened after that? What caused the fizzle and eventual death of a relationship that never even started? These were questions you could ask him, but you figured such a direct cause for self reflection would be too much for the man who deemed his therapist to be his best female friend.
Bucky ended up winning the game, his moves so strategically made that you hadn't realized your fate was sealed until you had caught his victorious grin three turns before the end. Your banter had shifted away from Bucky's dating life and practically left the realm of counseling all together in favor of smack talk and flirtatious digs. As you collected the cards Bucky looked up at the clock above his head.
"I got a few minutes left." He commented.
You hummed in acknowledgment, not looking up from the deck you were shuffling, the cards bent in your hands as you prepared to let them flicker from the halves you held into a complete set on the table.
"So, do you have a boyfriend?"
The cards you had been holding with just the right amount of pressure suddenly shot from your grip as your fingers reflexively moved in surprise. You felt your mortification double at the mess of cards strewn about the coffee table, some falling to the floor on either side as their momentum carried them over the edge. Bucky laughed lightly and you both bent down on your respective sides to collect the fallen cards.
"Sorry doll, didn't mean to get you all flustered." He said as he resurfaced and placed the rogue cards on the table. He didnt sound apologetic.
"No, no, I just lost my grip." You said lamely, faking more cards to be picked up on your side so you wouldnt have to look at him. You knew he didnt believe your fib.
"Well would you look at that your time is up. See you next week." You said hurridly, timing your completion of card settling with the start of the new hour. You rose and returned the deck to its spot on the shelf, opening your door for him immediately after.
"Are you gonna make me wait until next week to find out if you gotta guy?" Bucky whined, getting up from the couch and joining you near the doorway. His plush lips were held in a small pout, eyes large and innocent if you ignored the playful shine ribbing you had given them.
"No I don't have a boyfriend." You conceded.
"Why not?"
"Dont get out much." You said, mirroring Bucky's own words back at him. He smiled, his face alight with a satisfaction you couldn't pinpoint a sensible reason for. With a nod he walked through the doorway and around the corner, whistling a mocking tune that echoed in your ears long after he left.
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The Most Important Love
If 20 years ago you had told me that one day I’d be posing for a photographer, outside, in lingerie, I would’ve thought you were crazy. But here I am, sharing exactly that. Why you ask?
Today is Valentine's Day; a day dedicated to celebrating love. It's also the middle of Eating Disorder Awareness month. And for me, this year marks 20 years since I've been in recovery; 20 years since I was diagnosed with a life-threatening eating disorder and admitted into inpatient care.
At this time in 1999, I was a very sick, 12-year old girl; a smart, sensitive, kind, 7th grade girl who was so concerned with pleasing everyone else that she didn't allow any room to love herself; a young girl who sought perfection as validation of her worth: perfection in her grades, and roles as a student, daughter, sister, and friend. A girl so focused on reaching perfection that she was unable to see the self-harm she was inflicting in the process.
20 years ago, I thought I had unlocked the key to my happiness. I was empowered by a new-found ability to strictly control my eating and exercising behaviors. I was riding on the initial endorphins that came with a new fitness routine and diet. My new way of life was a way of coping with a manifestation of insecurity, self-doubt, and self-hate; those feelings that stemmed from innate emotional sensitivity, combined with the pain that came from coping with precocious puberty as a young girl.
Having grown up in a society that worships beauty and slenderness, the "chubby" and "fat" comments over the years had done wonders to my already low self-esteem, and my drive towards perfectionism. But now, I had a way to channel all of those negative feelings and thoughts into something powerful, and something that I could control; something that would allow me to finally be perfect. And that thing was Anorexia.
A common misconception with Anorexia is that it's rooted in vanity; that Anorexia is a fancy term for privileged girls who starve themselves strictly because they want the attention that comes from being thin. Well, in my case, that assumption could not be farther from the truth. For me, Anorexia was my hidden secret; my outlet for coping with life and all of the demands that I placed on myself. I didn't want people to see it. I wanted to hide it away; to protect it from the rest of the world. It was my safe place; my haven; my secret weapon; the thing that was just MINE; not for anyone else to see or acknowledge.
And for a long time, I did hide it. I physically hid it behind baggy sweatshirts. I didn't wear make-up or spend time on my hair. I didn't wear the tighter jeans that other girls wore. Because the last thing that I wanted was to call attention to my appearance. And the more my disordered eating and exercising worsened, the more I isolated myself from everyone. Whenever anyone expressed concern, I'd have an excuse or a lie handy. I would do anything to protect the thing that I thought was saving me.
And eating disorders don't just starve the body; they starve the mind. The lack of nutrients starves your brain and you're incapable of seeing the world clearly. Everything becomes clouded and distorted. The disordered eating triggers disordered thinking, and eventually, you spiral out of control and crash. You go from feeling powerful and elated, to feeling powerless and defeated.
And inevitably, I crashed; I crashed hard. I crashed to the point of being unable to get myself out of bed one morning. And on that day, I was fortunate enough to have an amazing support system that got me the help that I needed.
Since that day, which was undoubtedly my "rock bottom", I've experienced a lot of peaks and dips in the recovery process. While I'd love nothing more than to say that 20 years later, I'm fully recovered, the reality is that recovery is a journey; not a destination.
These past couple of years have been a test of my strength, resilience, humility, and ongoing recovery. After going through a divorce, and experiencing all of the life changes and stresses that come with that, I've felt the tug of my eating disorder once again, trying to pull me back into the comfort of familiarity and control. There have been many times when I've felt like I'm not good enough - as a mother, friend, or significant other. I haven't been kind to myself. I've set the bar far too high. I haven't allowed myself the space and permission to heal and grieve and take time for myself. And at moments I've felt myself both consciously and unconsciously, slip into old thought patterns and behaviors.
So this year, 2019, I made a vow to be kinder to myself; to stop beating myself up; to stop allowing others to determine my worth; to give myself permission to move at a slower pace, and feel whatever I need to feel in that moment without allowing impatience or guilt to hinder that process. To be more mindful about the choices I'm making for my mind and body. To make sure that I'm projecting the kind of self-love and self-compassion that I want to see in my own son, so that he doesn't doubt his worth. And to remind myself that I am strong, and capable, and that my value is determined by the love and kindness that I show myself and others.
This photo was taken a few years ago, as part of a shoot that I did with a VT photographer, at a time in life when I felt healthy and confident. It was one of the most empowering experiences I've ever had; to be photographed while standing boldly, in the open, in lingerie. A few times people drove by and I felt embarrassed, but then I reminded myself why I was doing this. This was my moment; it was like raising a middle finger to anything and anyone that has ever made me doubt my worth. It was a celebration of who I am, and what I've overcome.
I had not publicly shared any of the photos prior to now, because in true perfectionist fashion, I feared the response. I worried that people would look at my photos as a reflection of vanity.
But as I think about the last 20 years, I feel grateful and humbled that despite the toll that my eating disorder has taken on my body, I have endured. This body has overcome precocious puberty and the bullying that comes with it; it's given life to a beautiful boy; it's run a marathon; it is strong and powerful and something I'm focusing on loving, instead of punishing.
And I'm hopeful that this Valentine's Day, whether you're celebrating alone or with a special person, that you can take a moment to acknowledge your own worth, and to remember that the most important love of all is the love that we show ourselves.
..And that sometimes the best way to embrace that love is by sitting on an antique piano chair, on an old bridge in VT, wearing a garter and thigh highs and appreciating how incredibly insane and wonderful it feels to do just that.
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The Art of Survival
CHAPTER 13
SUMMARY - Laing and Fianna continue to develop something akin to a relationship while different aspects of the situation they are in, come into play.
Laing groaned slightly as he woke. Beside him, Fianna was sleeping soundly, her hand on his chest. Looking down at her, he felt some deep recess of his mind was content with the situation, having her forced to accept him for the fear of others. Her touches and actions spurring even more lust in him. He wanted to feel the sensation of her under him fully, their bodies intertwined, him deep inside her, marking every last piece of her as his. She was denying him that still but he knew, with time, she would submit that to him too, he merely had to wait. He pulled her to him more and thought of their situation. The more he thought about it, the more he realised there was merit to remaining where they were. He knew that those in charge, especially Frank, did not want them to leave and to try and do so could perhaps be more dangerous than staying, the greatest concern, however, was the food sources. Robert was less than pleased at the idea of eating another person. Like Fianna, he recalled the news of that flight in the Andes a decade before and the choices those people faced, he could not say with any level of certainty that he would choose that fate even now and he most certainly did not want Fianna to do so. Feeling her stir against him, he looked down at her. She was his, finally. She willingly kissed him, and with time, she would give herself even more to him, he simply had to be patient. He held still to allow her to rest.
What caught his attention was the manner in which she was moving against him. For a few moments, he thought her to be itching herself before he realised her motions were something more. He watched curiously and with a slight inkling of pride as she rubbed her body against his, little sounds of rising pleasure making their way through her lips as she did so. With his mind going to when he had felt amorous and she had placed her hands to his crotch, he reciprocated and slid his hand to the apex of her thighs, her actions becoming immediately more aggressive. She moaned and gasped as he pressed his hand more to the crotch of her pants, allowing him to feel the damp that was coming through the from her arousal.
When he looked at her face, he realised she was still sleeping and doubled his efforts, though why her being asleep made him feel he should do so, he was unsure. When finally, her noises reached their peak, he smirked proudly as the clear gasp of the word ‘Robert’ came with it. He watched keenly as Fianna woke to slightly hastened breathing with a perplexed look on her face. “What…?”
“Pleasant dream?” He smirked, his yellowed teeth clear to see as she looked at him with a significant amount of confusion.
“I...think so?”
“It sounded pleasant, I particularly liked the part at the end, when my name graced your lips.”
“What?”
Robert did not give her an answer, instead, he attacked her lips with gusto, nipping and forcing himself over her as she seemed to wake up more and realised the dampening between her legs. “Mine.” The ever-present possessive growl Robert seemed to bestow on her came to the fore once more.
Fianna had since realised that her dream had actually been more active and louder than she had thought and the wet between her legs and the slight pulsing that still resonated there also told her that Robert had been fully aware of her situation. She kissed him back, wanting the comfort of touch and affection as her mind tried to make sense of everything. She wanted nothing more than to be in familiar surrounds and at present, that was Robert. Her hands were toying with his pants, eagerly trying to get to the hardened appendage inside, their kisses open-mouthed with gasping breaths as they fought to breathe between their feral acts of lust. She had barely gotten into his pants and began stroking him when the door opened.
“Get out!” Robert bellowed as he realised that there was another invading their privacy. When the sound of the door closing did not come, he glared around at the man looking at them. It was the man he knew to be called Jeremy. He had come to Laing the day before with an odd lumping around his genitals that he knew to be transmitted within sexual partners. He looked the man dead in the eye, noting the manner he was watching Robert for a moment before his main focus went to Fianna, telling him the object of the other man’s desire. He got Jeremy to put his focus back on him and shielded Fianna from his view as best he could while he urged her to continue what she was doing, gasping and groaning in pleasure as she focused her attention on that. He hissed through bared teeth as she started toying with him, her thumb rubbing over the top of his length but his eyes stayed entirely on Jeremy as he did so, telling the man, in no uncertain terms that there would be no challenge accepted, Fianna was his. As soon as he felt the sensation travel down his gut to where she was so very attentively working, Robert could not hold back his release any longer and bellowed “Mine!” as his seed spurted from him and onto Fianna’s stomach and chest, since he had opened the buttons of her shirt to attack her breasts before their interruption. He sucked in deep breaths as he came down from his orgasm, his eyes going to Fianna, who seemed slightly startled by the sheer volume on her stomach, a small amount having hit her chin. He watched in a feral manner as she took her thumb and rubbed it over her chin before curiously placing it in her mouth. Smirking, he looked at Jeremy again, seeing her act as a subliminal declaration of her allegiance to him. “Out,” he repeated angrily.
“You are wanted, both of you.” Was all Jeremy stated before he left, sporting a tented pants as he did.
“You need to be careful of him.” Robert looked down at Fianna, confused by her words as he had been thinking the same for her. “I don’t trust him.” She toyed with his hair as she spoke.
“I don’t think we can trust any of them,” Robert added. “But you trust me, don’t you?” She nodded causing him to kiss her again, leaning his body against hers.
For a moment, Fianna’s hands slid to his ass, but when he pressed his crotch against her, she froze before pushing him away. Startled by her fearful actions, Robert watched as she rose to her feet, cleaning her chest as best she could and tidied herself. “We don’t want to keep them waiting. If we stop being worth something to them alive, we very much become a commodity to them dead.”
Though he wanted to figure out what caused her to startle, the harsh reality of her words forced Laing to acknowledge their truth and he rose to his feet and readied himself for whatever was asked of them.
*
“We had two attempts of a break-in last night,” Frank informed the gathered crowd, murmurs of fear rose. “We have one dead and one missing, but they never made it past the lobby.” Relief seemed to become the predominant feeling at that. “We need extra posts to be in the lobby and lower floors for safety at night until we find out who did this and stop them. Teams will be made up of groups of five and no one is allowed swap groups without informing myself or Jeremy, am I understood?” There were calls of agreement. “Good. The teams are decided on strengths and weaknesses so to ensure the capability of every team to look after itself. The only ones that are exempt are the ones not passed by Dr Laing healthwise or who are otherwise indisposed.” A few people looked at Robert, who was not aware of such a statement being made in advance and him being given such a role. He looked at Frank in confusion. “We need to only allow the stronger to defend us, a weaker person is more of a hindrance than a help and we do not need to have a team be weakened by a member being unfit for duty.”
“What of the children?” One woman asked. Her pale and sickly child in her arms.
“We will have one unit remain here, and of course, nursing mothers are exempt until such time as they are able to be utilised in other manners. We will have a few of those that are not strong enough for active patrols remain to tend to the young.” Gillian explained. There was a consensus of agreement to that statement and people listened for more.
“No hunting parties can take place until such time as we are certain that it is safe to do so. And no one is to leave this tower without explicit permission to do so from me directly. Any found doing so...well, those sorts of people are worth more dead than alive.” If the subject matter and the not even remotely veiled threat were not enough to make Fianna and Robert think twice of planning to leave, the fact that Frank looked both of them in the eye for the last part of his sentence very much did.
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Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 30
Hope
I watched as the tears rolled one by one down her rosy cheeks. She was completely silent and still and if it weren’t for the tears, I would think she was numb to all emotions from the blank expression on her beautiful face. I hadn’t had a chance to spend much time with Ms. Joyce since she’d come into town for the sake of her son, but I finally pushed my reservations to see her aside and figured it would be good to get her out of that room clouded with depression for a while… to hopefully take both of our minds off the situation at hand. So, there we sat across from one another in the quant and quiet space of a small Starbucks café on the first floor of the hospital. Making up every excuse in the book, I managed to somehow weasel my way out of going up to Chris’s room and instead conned her into meeting me here.
I watched as she quietly fiddled with the green straw poking from the top of her frappe and figured I would stay silent until she was ready to speak. I knew of the turmoil that’d been raging through my mind as of late, but I could only imagine what was going on in her mind and I wanted to give her just enough time to warm up to me before diving into any sort of conversation.
“My sweet boy…” She muttered in less than a fraction of a whisper, “He is… my sweet boy.”
Her stare remained glued to the drink in front of her and mine remained fixed on her as my brows began to furrow with wonderment.
“I don’t understand… where I went wrong.” Her voice remained soft, almost as if she simply did not possess the strength to speak any louder than a whisper, “How? How could something like this happen? I let this happen to him… I failed him as a mother.”
Slowly shaking my head as I now glared across the small table at her, I pushed my drink to one side and slid a hand across the surface to grip onto hers.
“It’s not your fault Ms. Joyce…”
Snatching her long-lost gaze away from the frozen treat in front of her, she stared at me as if seeing me for the first time and if at all possible her eyes watered more and the tears continued to fall incessantly.
“It is… it’s my fault. He could have been dead right now… and it’s because I failed…”
“Ms. Joyce, listen to me,” I softly demanded as I gently squeezed her hand, “This is not your fault. You’ve been an amazing mother and support system to him since I’ve known you all and at times… I even envied him because I could always imagine myself having a mother as perfect as you.”
She shook her head and laughed, though her tears remained “Honey, I’m not perfect… I’m far from it. But thank you… from the day I met you, I’ve imagined you as my own child. You are such a phenomenal young woman with a brilliant head on your shoulders. You have wisdom beyond your years. And some of the things that you’ve been through with my son at your young age… I have to commend you for the strength that you possess and your ability to stay in his corner through it all. I often wonder what that child did to deserve you.”
Nibbling nervously into my bottom lip, I dropped my gaze from the intensity of hers and sighed. I just knew if she looked into my eyes long enough, she’d read right through me and know that half of what she’d just said was untrue. I wasn’t the phenomenal young woman she spoke of. I did not possess the strength that she imagined I did. And the ability she believed I had to remain in Chris’s corner while he battled demons within… no longer existed.
I hadn’t told anyone other than Dr. Yates of my decision to end my relationship with him and I certainly wasn’t planning on discussing it with Ms. Joyce now. There was an unspoken truth behind that decision… one that would forever haunt me because it caused me more pain than I’d ever imagined and it nearly cost my love his life.
“I don’t know what to do now. The Holidays are just around the corner and… I can’t leave him here like this.” Ms. Joyce’s mumbled confession snapped me out of my somber thoughts and I finally raised my head to peer at her. She was absolutely right. Christmas was approximately one week away and though we’d all made plans to head back to Virginia to be with family and friends, no one had anticipated this tragedy and I was just as unsure as her about what to do or how to handle the situation. We both remained quiet and lost in our thoughts for a while and I continued to hold onto her hand as though it were the only source of sanity that I had left. I became so immersed in my thoughts that I failed to really notice my surroundings or the hand that stretched out to gently tap my right shoulder. With a soft gasp, I swept my head around to the right and looked up into the delicate and smiling eyes of Dr. Yates who glanced from me to Ms. Joyce then back to me.
“Hello Sy’Diyah.” She greeted politely, “Hello again Joyce.”
I watched closely as she eased around the table to occupy the empty seat beside Ms. Joyce. It seemed almost out of character for her to simply impose on someone else’s conversation, though Ms. Joyce and I weren’t conversing at all the moment she approached us. I hadn’t anticipated seeing Dr. Yates again, let alone at the hospital of all places, after my abrupt exit from her office the first and only time I’d met with her. I was sure I left a horrible impression on the woman when I fled from her after confessing the breakup with Chris and denying her any help in the situation. But as she sat across from me smiling warmly as she always seemed to, I didn’t sense an ounce of hostility from her.
“How are you this afternoon Sy’Diyah?” She asked.
Nodding slowly, I looked everywhere else around the table but at her “I’m fine… and yourself?”
“Very well, thank you. I don’t mean to impose,” She stated as I figured she would, “But I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting with Joyce earlier this morning when I dropped by to visit Christopher. With her permission, and hopefully yours as well, I thought it’d be nice if the two of you would meet with me back at my office to discuss proper… accommodations for Christopher over the Holidays.”
Only then did I lift my gaze to her and my eyes quickly danced over to the distressed stare of Ms. Joyce when I felt her gently squeeze my hand. She didn’t utter a word, but through her eyes alone I understand the significance of this meeting and having me there at her side…
--
The stiff leather did nothing to soothe me or calm my nerves. I thought by this point I would have been a bit more accustomed to sitting in her office and being in her presence, but the moment I nearly slipped into an unforeseen panic attack when I crossed the threshold into the space, I figured I’d probably never be completely comfortable here. In her pleasant and prestigious fashion, Dr. Yates sat up properly in her swiveling desk chair and linked her hands together on her desktop. Her stare bounced quietly from Ms. Joyce to me and the longer her eyes bore into mine, I felt the strongest urge to trust her which in turn helped me to calm down.
“Well Joyce, first I must start by saying that it was certainly a pleasure to meet you.” Dr. Yates said with a smile.
“It was a pleasure to meet you as well. I’ve heard a lot about you.” There was a tired smile plastered on Ms. Joyce’s face, but her statement seemed genuine nonetheless. I was sure she hadn’t been getting much rest since she’d been in town and my heart ached as I imagined what she was going through knowing what had happened with her only son.
“All good things I’d hope.” They shared a laugh and I giggled softly… more than anything I was simply ready for Dr. Yates to get to the point of this meeting.
“I know you’re probably wondering what this meeting will entail today,” She started, speaking my exact thoughts, “I’ve been able to visit Christopher a few times since he’s been admitted into the hospital and for now, I believe he is stable enough.”
“For?” Ms. Joyce blurted abruptly.
“For a transfer.” Dr. Yates said, not missing a beat as her eyes moved fluidly between the two of us, “From my observation, I believe it would be highly beneficial for him to be back home in Virginia for the Holidays, seeing as that’s where he’d previously informed me everyone would be gathering for Christmas this year.”
“So where exactly would he be transferring to?”
She hesitated for the first time since we’d been in her presence and I eyed her closely as her confident stare even faltered and she dropped her gaze down to her desk. From her sudden change in demeanor, I almost feared what she would say next and I braced myself in the stiff leather for whatever it was.
“Joyce… you’re aware of this situation in its entirety, yes?” She asked cautiously.
“Yes, I believe so.”
“And you are aware of the events that led up to your son’s admittance into the hospital?”
I didn’t hear an immediate response from Ms. Joyce and I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, noticing that she sat there quietly nodding her head, refusing to verbally acknowledge the unfortunate circumstances.
“Joyce… it is my recommendation that we consider an alternate option for his stay in Virginia. A place a little more, suitable for his conditions…”
“Dr. Yates, please…”
“He has been diagnosed Joyce and it’s very pertinent that we discuss this now so that we can get a head start on treatment.”
Again, the office was washed over with silence as both Ms. Joyce and I sat there staring across the desk at Dr. Yates, too stunned to utter a word. She was beginning to get to the point of today’s discussion now… and I was absolutely certain that I was not prepared for her to go on.
“Diagnosed… with what?” There was an unmistakable tremble in Ms. Joyce’s voice and her tone remained hushed as though it pained her to even speak.
“Bipolar type I disorder and… dissociative identity disorder.”
Silence completely consumed us then and for a while after the truth was spewed, Dr. Yates sat back in her chair as if the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. I didn’t know how to react, but my mind and body responded before I could fully register what she’d said and before I knew it, the tears began to roll freely. But I couldn’t bring myself to move, or speak, or even blink… I couldn’t believe what she’d just said.
Chris, my Charlie, my love… I couldn’t bear this reality. I couldn’t bear to accept the fact that he’d been battling these demons and illnesses for only Lord knows how long, alone. My heart ached for him and it was now and in this very moment that I was able to silently forgive him for what he’d done. With Dr. yate’s simple proclamation, so many questions were answered in an instant for me and now it all made sense….
“Sy’Diyah,” I snapped my gaze up at the sound of my name and locked my saddened stare onto Dr. Yates, “I would like to share something with you, if you don’t mind.”
I remained quiet as she shifted back in her seat and pulled a drawer open at the top corner of her desk. My eyes fleeted toward the black device she plucked from the inside of the drawer and I watched as she eased it onto the top of her desk and crossed her hands onto the surface behind it.
“Back in October, I asked Christopher for his permission to complete a project that unbeknownst to him, was solely meant for you. Throughout the duration of my time spent with him, I have always been aware of the severity of his condition and I knew that there was a possibility of him deteriorating before I had the opportunity to diagnose and begin treatment. Though I did not anticipate something of this magnitude to occur, it didn’t completely surprise me after speaking with you and learning of your recent break-up.”
Within seconds I could feel a searing stare against the side of my face and my heart sank as the thought of Ms. Joyce glaring at me crossed my mind. No one other than Dr. Yates knew of the truth behind why Chris had done what he’d done and I was totally caught off guard the moment she decided to calmly reveal it to his mother.
“So you’re saying that my son attempted to take his own life because Sy’Diyah broke up with him?” I could hear the cold tone in her voice and I was deathly afraid to turn to see the expression that I’m sure would match. The disappointment that laced her words… I felt like she truly hated me in that moment and I dropped my head and fought to hold back more tears.
“Joyce, please listen to me. I need you both to listen very carefully. What I’m about to play for you on this recording device is the insight that I need you both to witness to better grasp the situation at hand. I can truly say that in all my years in this profession, I have never quite observed anything like… this…”
Pushing the little black device forward, her eyes scanned from me to Ms. Joyce and finally down to the small play button. She pressed her finger against the edge of it and I braced myself for whatever it was we were about to hear.
“Today is October 27, 2015 and my name is Dr. Debra Yates. I am in the presence of my client Christopher Brown and with his permission, I would like to open a discussion in reference to his significant other… Sy’Diyah Donsen. Christopher… let’s begin this discussion by talking about the very first time you met Sy’Diyah.”
There was a brief pause and my heart fluttered as I prepared to hear his voice for the first time since, that night…
“Um… I met her about ten years ago when she moved in next door to me.”
“And where was it that she moved in next door to you? Here in Georgia?”
“No. We lived in Richmond, Virginia at the time.”
“So if you met her ten years ago, that means you were how old exactly?”
“I was nine and she was eight.”
“You were very young when you had your first encounter… interesting. Can you describe for me what it was like the first time you met her? If you can recall your memories from that age… as much detail as you can give.”
I found myself sitting tensely in the stiff leather, with a natural smile that brightened with each word he spoke through that recorder. He recounted verbatim the very first day he laid eyes on me to our first interaction together. As if it were only yesterday, I became lost in a daze by the sound of his voice as he laughed with ease and told the story of the first thing he ever asked me on his mother’s front porch. My eyes were welling with tears all over again and I instantly shut them and imagined him that happy again. It was a painful reality to face that he may not ever know happiness again… and it was all because of me.
“Alright. If we could just rewind for a second… Hope? That’s something I’ve consistently heard you refer to Sy’Diyah as. Why do you refer to her as such?”
“That’s her middle name.”
“Is that a name that she typically goes by?”
“Nah… only I call her that. I’ve been calling her that since we were kids too. I personally won’t let anyone else call her that… it’s a reminder to her and I that we both have a special place in each other’s lives. Me being the only one who calls her that kinda… it kinda makes me feel like she genuinely really cares about me and that I actually mean a lot to her because she’s okay with me being the only one who calls her that. Like, she lets me enforce that to other people and she’s cool with it.”
“You are absolutely correct. A name is a very important and perhaps sensitive thing to most individuals. It is your identity… it sums up who you are without people knowing any other information about you. So, because she only allows you to acknowledge her by that name, that means you do indeed hold a very special place in her heart.”
Even his explanation of why my middle name meant so much to him left me squeezing my eyes tighter with hopes that the tears would subside. He continued on to talk about his fear of rejection, or as he put it… his fear of me rejecting him. And even at such a young age, he discussed how he was sure that he was in love with me and that his life without me was incomplete. I should have felt embarrassed by some of what was revealed on that tape. I should have perhaps bolted from that office with my head hung in shame as he professed his love for me in a way I’d never witnessed before and continued on to thoroughly explain in detail my first time with him. With his mother stationed right at my side, I knew I should have felt remorse or regret for what her son exposed to us in that office… but I didn’t, because I simply couldn’t. I fell in love with his sincerity, his honesty, the raw vulnerability that he displayed without care to Dr. Yates in that session. I fell in love with my Charlie all over again as he spoke, but I was left stunned and speechless when Dr. Yates asked him a final question…
“My last question for you before we wrap up this activity… in your own words, and this means you can be as explicit as you would like, what would you say to Hope if you knew you were never going to see her again? If you could, I’d like you to speak as though she is present here in the room…”
“Hope… if I was never going to see you again… I would want you to know that my entire life was made the day that you allowed me to claim you as my own. If I was never going to see you again because I was terminally ill or dying or something, I’d like you to know that I would die the happiest man in the universe because I got the chance to make you mine and to shower you with my love. I know… that I’ve um… I’ve taken you through hell and back in the short time we’ve been together. You’ve put up with so much of my bullshit and I honestly have always wondered why? Why do you stick around for me? Why do you choose to stay right here by my side through all the nonsense? Is it because you actually genuinely love me and care about my crazy ass as much as I love and care about you? I would hope you do… God, I love you a lot Hope…”
Opening my eyes and allowing the reserved tears to fall, I locked my eyes onto Dr. Yates and silently watched as she smiled warmly and gave a short nod that seemed to calm my nerves just enough to tune in to the remainder of the recording…
“I love you… so damn much it physically hurts. It hurts me to love you because I live in constant fear that you’ll leave me and I know that I won’t survive in life without you. I also know that I’ll never know a love like the love that I’ve found with you. And I want to be honest with you Sy’Diyah… I have fucked up, so much in this relationship that I know I don’t even deserve you. I’m not shit compared to what you deserve, but I’m too damn selfish to admit that to your face and let you know that you don’t need a guy like me. You asked me if I’ve gone from getting oral sex to actually having sex with random girls… yes, I have. Yes I’ve had sex with more girls than I can count on two hands since I’ve been here at this school. No I have not been honest in telling you this. Yes I’m sorry… I know that’s all you ever hear me say anymore, but I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry because as much sense as it doesn’t fucking make, I cannot help it. I don’t know what it is, but I have no control. I would never in a million fucking years intentionally hurt you and yes it sounds cliché and I know you’ve heard it all before and I know you won’t believe me, but I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you right now that I am trying and I’m fighting but I’m fucking losing. I know that I’m losing, you told me I’m losing… I know that! I’m losing you and there isn’t a got damn thing I can do about it and I’m fucking… petrified because of that. I don’t know what’s happening to me but whatever it is, it’s winning and I’m losing and I… I… I can’t stop it. I can feel it eating away at me every day. It’s a battle for me every damn day because I’m fighting with everything in me to make this shit go away before it completely consumes me, but please know this… I love you. Me, Chris… your Charlie… I love you Sy’Diyah Hope Donsen and if this thing completely consumes me, if the Charlie that you know and love is no more… please… just let me go and never forget that I love you…”
I stared at that little black device as best as I could through the flood of tears that I sat there drowning in. I could feel my chest heaving up and down and my eyes burned from my lack of blinking and the constant tears. My hand soon raised to cover my mouth as I cried like I’d just witnessed death and I flinched involuntarily at the sensation of Ms. Joyce’s hand lightly grasping my left one. I could feel her shifting at my side, but my stare remained locked on that recorder even after Dr. Yates had stopped it. I hadn’t even realized it but Ms. Joyce was now standing at my side and she leaned down to wrap me into a warm and confiding hug. I thought that she’d be upset with me after finding out that because of me, she’d nearly lost her only son. The thought of her anger went right out the window as she continued to grip onto my left hand and clutch me against her chest in the most comforting manner.
“Baby don’t cry, don’t you cry. It’s gonna be okay… I promise you it’s gonna be alright.” She whispered, though the tears were just as evident in her voice.
Slowly shaking my head from left to right, my hard glare never wavered from that recorder and I slid my hand down from my mouth to my chest because in that moment I swore it became much too difficult to breathe.
“No mama, no… no…”I chanted softly as I continued to shake my head.
“It will be okay Sy’Diyah. Listen to me…”
She attempted to persuade me to look up into her eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I took full responsibility for the near death of her son and I could not and would not sit there and look her in the eye while she comforted me. I truly felt as though I deserved every tear that stung my cheeks and each desperate gasp of breath I struggled to take.
“Listen to me baby…”
“No!” I shouted, telling myself to push her away from me so that I could stand up and run away, but failing miserably the moment my bottom rose from the chair and I fell into a measly heap in her arms.
“No mama, I’m so… sorry. I’m sorry…” I cried pathetically.
“Shhhh honey, it’s alright. Shhhh, don’t you apologize to me. You be brave my girl… be brave and strong for him. He needs you now… but this is not your fault. Don’t you dare blame yourself.”
My face remained buried against her chest and as she stood there cradling me like a child, slowly rocking me from side to side, I eventually felt another hand smoothly caressing my back. My tears didn’t quite subside… they didn’t even come close. But I kept my eyes shut and finally allowed myself to fall victim to Ms. Joyce’s motherly nature. She continued to rock me, Dr. Yates continued to rub her hand in soothing circles against my back, and I continued to cry and silently pray for God to give me strength.
#chrisbrown#chrisbrownff#chrisbrownfanfic#jasminesanders#chrisbrownfanfiction#jasminesandersff#teambreezy#teambreezyff#fanfiction#fanfic
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Week 5
Monday 23rd August
Physical Theatre
- acknowledgment of country; class began with an acknowledgement as part of the regular practice with this class and continued into a discussion as to what it means to us. Dan also encouraged us to engage in how we think about acknowledgement and consider our degree awareness when paying our respects to the original custodians of Country. I feel a degree of guilt and uncertainty surrounding this issue because the more I ‘know’ I realise the less I know and there is personal accountability to this. However, I am conscious of this guilt and I would like to act and educate myself from a point of sincerity and respect because I feel this is the most effective way to educate myself is not derived from a place that seeks instant gratification from my peers/any form of external validation especially in an intense climate of political correctness. This class is always insightful and informing and I’m really appreciative of the efforts Dan goes to for us.
- We engaged in abstracting daily, mundane activities and explored how we can communicate these ideas to an audience. How can physicalising and actualising activities such as making a coffee be translated in a theatrical context?
Contemporary (Anna)
- expanding through areas of the torso that are not always recognised (front, back, side space around the rib cage)
- something I’ve noted and want to work towards is finding the spaces in a phrase or exercise where I can ease into and explore and negotiating these moments with areas where I might prioritise technical aspects of my dancing. I recognise my personal value for technical skill, cleanliness and clarity when moving however, ironically I sometimes find that when I concentrate or attempt this I hold excessive tension to the point that the movement becomes rigid and I can no longer approach my movement with precision because this tension creates a sort of instability in my body. The idea of creating space and ease I think will be challenging because of my physical instinctive response to ‘freeze’, however ultimately helpful to overcome this inclination.
Tuesday 24th August
Pilates
Focus on Psoas muscle --
Imagery of a ‘tornado’ or funnel-spiral: This idea came to mind during class today when Naree explained the overall connection and wrapping that occurs around the spine, the spine is the ‘eye’ of the storm and the psoas is the tornado that circles the spine/ ‘eye’ and narrows in and tightens at the earth/pelvic floor.
Ballet
I found today particularly difficult to endure class and had to take short breaks at various points to regroup. It is becoming increasingly frustrating dancing from home and this was very apparent for me during ballet because usually ballet is my mode of grounding myself, finding my body and mind-body connection and often helps me get through my day. At the very least I attempted to think of pushing my toes into the ground which is a current point of focus in my practice, especially with my left foot because I have issues with bunions and the FHL tendon.
Wednesday 25th August
Ballet
General notes:
- clear eyeline in grande pose positions
- endure the leg is crossed over in derrière positions
- pelvis stacked over arch of foot before rising in arabesque/attitude
- rotate legs around like a pasta maker!
Reflections: I am gradually finding more ease when moving and this has helped me significantly with breathing, endurance and co-ordination of movement. Initially it was a mental obstacle to give myself permission to not being working at 110% at every given moment but ironically my new attempted approach has facilitated for more space to work and improve on my technique. I recognise that this same lesson applies beyond ballet class and so I intend to introduce it and utilise this idea in other classes where I often experience (mostly) mental but also physical fatigue at times — such as martial arts because it requires an extensive amount of time to concentrate.
Tumbling (absent: medical appointment)
Thursday 26th August
Contemporary (Sam Hines)
General notes & ideas:
Finding a movement pathway: moving, reversing that movement and repeating
Conceptual & choreograph ideas: Finding an object to embody its shape and using another object to embody its texture/qualities. **I found distinguishing my two objects from one another hard because I would almost naturally allow them to merge in texture and shape. Whilst this wasn’t an issue I think it could be something worthwhile exploring in the future to assist with things like clarity and what or how I can communicate something**
Martial Arts
Friday 27th August
Physical Theatre
Today’s final class concluded with an exploration of an alter ego. It’s an interesting idea to have an alternate or alternative ego because thus far, all of these ego explorations have been an extension of myself or who I think I am and are just as much a part of me as the ‘me’ I present in ordinary life. The only significant difference is that I have consciously decided to exaggerate this character for communicative intentions (communication is especially hard over zoom), and maybe intensify the constructed narrative I have for this character derived from an ‘alter ego’. Something I’ve noted that occurs consistently in these classes is my inclination to present the most bold, assertive and ‘strong’ alt ego and I think this is because I perceive this to be the most confident, alluring and charismatic version of myself which is how I prefer to be perceived. I found this worth noting because it could be worth tapping into the quieter, reserved and conservative versions of myself because they are equally on par as these bold characters I decided to present in class. For future reference, it would be interesting to see the “strength” and same value in these characteristics as the archetypal, ‘sassy-strong-loud’ personas.
Contemporary (Aylya)
Class revolved around a discussion about the importance of self warm up, discipline and motivation - all of which are relevant to our current situation of dancing from home. Aylya emphasised the importance of listening to our bodies and exploring how we might warm up (spine/back, core, legs and co-ordination/mind-body connection), when we might find ourself in a situation where a self-guided warm up is required. He described his own experiences as a professional where he was required to warm up on his own as well as instances where a collective warm up may have been insufficient. A warm up can provide relief from pre-performance tension and anxiety, it allows us to be in touch with our body, understand the condition it is in at the time and provides insight as to how our body might best function in its current state and how to maximise our performance withit’s current facilities.
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My favorite parts of the movie, Call Me by Your Name
This is INSANELY long (so obviously an insane amount of spoilers), jumbled, and in order of when I thought of each item (except for the Montaigne stuff) As long as this post is, there are tons of other moments that stick out, but one has to make choices! I tried to keep comparison to the book at a minimum as one can judge adaptations on their adherence/truthfulness to the source material or completely as its own thing (both are valid), and it’s easier to do the latter in this case. I’ve also kept it mostly positive, though as I’ve mentioned previously, I did have a few issues with the film (feel free to ask any questions you might have about that or anything else CMBYN related). Also, I need to see it again. As soon as possible.
*When Elio has the nosebleed (no footsie though ugh), he goes inside and sits on the floor and Oliver comes looking for him. The way Elio asks Oliver to sit with him breaks my heart. Just a subtle hint of plea. Everything that happens during that sit-down also fucked my life. It’s burned into my very being. Every look, kiss, touch, word.
* There’s this wonderful housefly that, throughout the movie, shows up occasionally to hang out with Elio when he’s thinking about Oliver. I could probably write a paper on what I think the significance of the fly is, and my feelings about the fly, but really, it was just a fly- a nice touch by either Luca or Ivory.
* The desperation in Elio’s kiss after he breaks down crying during the peach scene. How is Timothée not actually feeling that at that moment? Talk about acting. It was spectacular. Everything about his reaction was spectacular. The crying, the sad embarrassment for crying, the clutching at Oliver. (Aside:Oliver not eating the peach was unacceptable and Elio’s reaction being switched from being overwhelmed that someone felt something for him so strongly that they would do such a thing to being upset that Oliver is leaving soon was annoying.)
* The hilarious lunch conversation with the extremely talkative, not very polite, guests. This conversation needs to be witnessed and experienced, because it’s so funny. At some point they start insulting each other- someone gets called an “asshole” I think, but the expressions and tones of voice of everyone involved stay exactly the same, so it’s hard to even tell who’s being called an asshole, etc. Like this is just everyday conversation.
* After Elio says goodbye to Oliver at the train station, he sits around for a bit trying to process and calm down and then, because what else to do in this lovely family?, he calls his mom. As he asks her to come pick him up, he breaks down (I did, too). The shot is perfect. He’s in the phone booth and we’re outside and a bit away. He starts off the call facing us, but during the emotional bits, he turns his back. He’s hiding his crying from the world (including the viewer), but not from his mother, who can hear him losing it. This is a lovely private family moment, one of many that we’re privy to throughout the film.
* On Elio and Oliver’s trip, there’s a shot of Oliver’s face as Elio sleeps, looking completely at peace. Oliver is sitting on the bed, looking wrecked, and remorseful, and like he wants to stop what’s about to happen. The next scene is their goodbye hug at the train station. I wonder if Oliver sitting there that night knows that very soon he’s going to break Elio’s heart. Not just by leaving, but in telling him that he’s getting married (Over the phone? Really Oliver?) I’ve never been totally sure just how “on and off” Oliver and his future wife actually were. We never really get to know much about Oliver. In both the book and the movie, he’s more a mirror of Elio than a separate character. We only know him through and via Elio. So, in that way, is Oliver’s “on and off” relationship the same as Elio’s “on and off” relationship with Marzia? Where they hang out and fuck, but Elio holds back everything important? I don’t know.
* On the phone call when Oliver tells Elio he’s getting married, Oliver asks, “Do you mind?” A perfect, though strange, bit from the book to carry over- those are the words someone uses when asking permission to do something. What if Elio had said yes? Was Oliver seeking an admission that Elio loved him and wanted to be with him? Was he looking for an ego boost? Was he just asking an awkward question? Oliver is such a mystery to me.
*Anytime Armie/Oliver danced, I laughed. Man, that was some awful, but adorable dancing. The only time I didn’t laugh was when Elio got up on the dance floor and danced with Marzia right next to where Oliver was dancing. That time, I held my breath.
*The morning after they have sex (make love?) for the first time and Elio goes after Oliver into town. They walk a bit to have some privacy and while walking, for a few seconds they “hold hands” with just a finger or two tangled. So insanely lovely.
*After Oliver and Elio talk about how open Oliver is about showing his Judaism by wearing his Star of David, the next image is of Elio coming up for air while swimming in the lake, his Star of David around his neck. It’s a rebirth via water being symbolized, so a baptism of sorts. Oliver, simply by being Oliver, allowed so many hidden parts of Elio, parts Elio felt ashamed of, to be reborn into things that were not shameful, that were beautiful, things to be celebrated and nurtured.
*After Elio receives the note that they’ll meet at midnight and subsequently becomes seriously obsessed with his watch, they’re sitting outside, Oliver, Elio, and Elio’s mother. Elio gets up to leave the table and Oliver, so nonchalantly, asks Elio for the time. It’s such a sexy and funny way of Oliver reminding Elio what’s going to happen that night. And ratcheting up their respective anticipation.
*Sufjan. Sufjan. Sufjan. I can’t even.
*The way Elio says Oliver’s name. So often he says it as if he’s asking for everything he’s ever desired. There’s so much longing and affection.
*The sight and the sound of Oliver eagerly removing his belt the first night that he and Elio sleep together is super sexy. He’s kneeling over Elio, who’s lying between Oliver’s legs and they both look desperate. The sound and look of the leather as it’s being pulled quickly through Oliver’s belt loops is the perfect symbol for that desperation.
*It was completely genius, whoever’s decision it was, to have Elio constantly pressing himself against Oliver, whether it’s Elio’s head against Oliver’s chest or Elio’s whole body as he’s, literally, climbing Oliver, jumping into his arms, pulling Oliver against him as Elio leans back against a wall, etc. It’s like Elio is trying to absorb Oliver into himself. Like he can’t possibly ever get close enough. Like he wants to crawl inside Oliver and make himself a little home in his tummy or in his chest, by his heart- maybe take a nap surrounded by Oliver. Like he simply cannot get enough of this man.
*Elio’s hairstyle at the end of the movie & every single time Elio did his slide dance move. What glory was that?
*That one lovely shot of snow before the last scene. Foreshadowing the cooling off of Elio and Oliver’s relationship, and letting the viewer know that their summer, which was, vicariously, ours, is officially over. Also, snow is just beautiful.
*The night that Elio confesses his feelings to Oliver, Oliver comes back late. Elio, thinking that Oliver has been out with someone else, is restless in bed, and mutters, “Traitor,” as Oliver uses their adjoining bathroom. Then when Oliver closes the bathroom door without acknowledging Elio, Elio rolls over again says, sadly, “Traitor.” The word enlarges Elio’s desire- makes it so much more than just lust. He’s saying that they have something important together, something that can be betrayed. The fact that he doesn’t consider his actions with Marzia to be traitorous makes perfect sense to me. He knows his own feelings, that Oliver is, for whatever reason, infinitely more important to him than Marzia. But what Oliver feels is, at that time a mystery.
*Elio tells Oliver that they have to sit in the backseat of the car because Anchise usually drives as Elio’s father navigates. Then Elio’s father comes along and tells Anchise that he doesn’t need to drive and then invites Oliver into the front seat to be navigator. Elio is adorably upset that he doesn’t get to ride shotgun (understandably!). But also probably a bit unpleased that he doesn’t get to share that small backseat with Oliver. Ha.
*This part right here, when Elio asks for a truce and Oliver offers the hand of the statue. It should have been funny, but it was actually just very sweet and hurt my heart a bit.
*As Oliver and Elio leave on their trip, Chiara rides up on her bicycle. She’s late, though, and they’re already on the bus which is pulling away. The borderline sarcastic wave that Oliver gives her is pretty funny and Elio’s mother inviting Chiara to dinner with a thrown in, “Bring Marzia with you” is just ouch. But the look on Elio’s face as Oliver sits beside him, like this is everything. He’s sitting here with Oliver, going away with Oliver (!!!) and he seems so joyful, but also overwhelmed by that joy, and like he’s seconds away from crying. Lovely lovely acting by Tim.
* Elio’s father is pretty much perfect at fathering fatherly. And Michael Stuhlbarg is magnificent in this film. His final speech to Elio about Oliver, and love, and life is spectacular, both in the book and the film. The line that always makes me cry, whether reading, listening, or watching is:
We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new.
I’ve had one of those lives where this would have really been nice to hear when I was younger. But since I kind of want to rip out every memory I have of this book/movie, to cure myself of too many feelings, it might not have mattered.
* Also in Elio’s father speech is my favorite quote about love. I was ecstatic that it was in the book so having it in the movie made me doubly ecstatic. The quote, by Montaigne about his platonic male friend, is untranslated in the book (& I don’t know if anyone bothers to look that stuff up), while in the movie, there are subtitles (the translation in the movie is different than my preferred which is below, but whatevs). Below is a larger portion of the quote, the part in bold is the bit in the book/movie:
Si on me presse, continue-t-il, de dire pourquoi je l'aimais, je sens que cela ne se peut exprimer qu'en répondant: parce que c'était lui; parce que c'était moi.
If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he, and because I was I.
From the book:
“You’re too smart not to know how rare, how special, what you two had was.”
“Oliver was Oliver,” I said, as if that summed things up.
“Parce que c’était lui, parce que c’était moi,” my father added, quoting Montaigne’s all-encompassing explanation for his friendship with Etienne de la Boétie.”
I can’t explain why I’ve loved particular people most in my life- we were just the kind of people who would love each other. We spoke to something in the other. I’ve always appreciated the joyful, but also, almost resigned (potentially tragic) quality of such an acknowledgement. “We were meant to love each other” alongside “I couldn’t have stopped it even if I’d tried.” It’s perfect for Elio and Oliver.
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PLAYING: Final Fantasy VII Remake
So, with all the side quests out of the way I'm now ready to urgently save Aerith who is probably being tortured, if not dead, while I was hunting for the perfect dance song. The climb to the surface was...well, it reminded me of some other games and not in a "good" way. I then infiltrated the Shinra building and had all kinds of weird Mandela Effects happened...
It's time to climb to the surface and I've got my trusty Bat Grappling Hook. The climb through the destroyed sector 7 was very reminiscent of both The Last of Us and Resistance 2. Obviously, there's a great section in The Last of Us where we travel through a collapsed building, and it's filled with story, character, and great environmental design. FF7R's level design...not so impressive. The floors of the collapsed building were practically empty. Just flat floors with no furniture or any evidence that humans once used this space. Maybe that's why Shinra was so willing to destroy it?
This isn't necessarily a horrible offense. It reminded me of Resistance 2's Chicago "boss fight". First, let me point out that Naughty Dog has one of the greatest gameplay debuts ever with Uncharted 2. I feel it it really set the bar for cinematic gameplay. There were two key ingredients: 1. Amazing visuals with well-decorated environments. 2. Scripted gameplay that didn't feel scripted. So many games, I feel, tried to live up to this demonstration and they always failed at one of those two successes of Uncharted 2; sometimes both.
Resistance 2 failed at the first. While I love Resistance 2 (like a whole lot) the rooms introduced to the player during the demo (and even in the final) were very much devoid of any set decoration. This is something that would have been permissible on PS1, MAYBE PS2, but on PS3 it was pure sin. So on PS4...I mean...just inexcusable. Did they plan a shorter climbing section and then were like, "We've got three weeks till release, feel like adding an hour to the game?"
This section also served as an awkward reminder that this is basically an action game. It's more Uncharted than Final Fantasy 7. I remember the climb from the original--it only takes about 5-10 minutes and there's no fights on the way. But it was a puzzle-driven maze that involved climbing and timed jumps. Awkward, but gave another dimension to the greatness of FF7. Not only that, but the mental state of the players and characters was significant. Maybe an hour in-world time had passed since the Turks blew up the pillar, killed hundreds if not thousands, and Aerith was captured. The wound is fresh, and this climb was about being focused on your goal--to literally rise from the ashes.
But Remake--you had too many chapters leading into the climb. The raw feeling of pain is somewhat numbed now. And the climbing experience is so prolonged with fighting, platforming, and a boss fight, that you're in a completely different mindset than in the original. For me, this isn't good. But maybe others feel different.
NOW--into Shrina Building. The increased Scale of this game is impressive. Makes me sad I don't get to explore more of it. Wandering around in the parking garage reminded me of playing Watch Dogs Legion.
The lobby section with Tifa was weird. It was scripted and unfun. What was the thinking behind this? Let's give the player one choice and be REALLY slow about it? And then as you climb up, the music changes like Tifa has finally learned to be a hero--WTF. I actually like Tifa more in this game than the original, but I feel like Remake doesn't respect Tifa at all, or acknowledge she's a major badass!
I took the stares. Fun nod to the original. Some pretty comical banter and it was interesting how Cloud slowed down the further he climbed. "So many stairs!"
Playing the original, I liked exploring the Shinra building. It was interesting to show different aspects of being a Shinra employee, and they had some interesting challenges and puzzles: like sneaking past guards, solving a literal puzzle, guessing a password, collecting awesome items. I wasn't feeling it this game. maybe I'm just ready for the game to be done and I'm tired of them stretching out insignificant moments.
The presentation on the Promised Land was a nice touch. It's interesting, they're giving out way more info than the original did at this point. But it also makes sense cause this has to be its own game. It can't rely on Final Fantasy VII Remake Part 4 to explain brief comments mentioned here. But the music and peppiness of the Promised Land presentation was perfect and totally reminded me of videos from Disney World and Discovery Channel.
Annnd Sephiroth is walking the halls. Neat.
Met Midgar’s Mayor. They gave him more “character” than the original...that’s nice. But then we had to climb through the duct. This kinda made me want gauge my eyes out. Sure this is based on the original, and sure I’ve spent way too much time in air ducts cause of Metal Gear Solid, but Cloud moved soooo slow, and there was no real maze or strategy. They didn’t need to make it this painful. I remember asking myself, “Why am I playing this??”
We track Hojo to the lab. We did not meet Jenova before this next section. As we confront Hojo, no awkward breeding attempt between Aerith and Red XIII. Maybe they realized this was stupid and took it out. But it somehow made Red’s introduction even more awkward. I kill the poison boss and see Red lying there. Oh, Hi Mark. And then we go rescue Aerith. Those hooded folks pop up again...I swear they’re from the Timeline Commission from Umbrella Academy.
Anyway, awkward Red XIII intro...and Jenova.
Thinking about it...maybe Jenova should have been more central to the plot. Like, after the bombing mission, a Helicopter should have flown overhead carrying a container, and that’s when Cloud started getting visions of Sephiroth. And maybe this container gets moved and all these rumors about the appearance of monsters and stuff relate more to the mysterious container. All of it inspiring Sephiroth visions. And then it’s like, now that Cloud is here--it’s here. All coming to a head.
Well--anyway. hanging out in Aerith’s old room. Let’s see how this goes.
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Emails That Kick Ass (Vol. 18):(a)SYNCHRONICITY
3/20/2020
It took some time, but I eventually realized that I write a lot. In fact, much more than I truly realized. Just not in the way that I had always saw myself doing.
As an educator, I’m approached by students, alumni, colleagues, administration and outside parties through email…a ton. In fact, a big part of my after hours is spent on replying to all sorts of issues. Some big. Some small. Never anything in between, interestingly enough. But, the big-issue emails are the ones I’m most proud of because they usually provide a platform where I can address a significant issue (or issues) that relate to important matters regarding what this glass thing fully entails.
I see these emails as small essays in the form of correspondence; emails that - should a student of mine ever take interest in this blogspot - provide a teachable moment that happens behind-the-scenes of what's going on in studio and addresses a very real issue within the realm of glass making, glass thinking, glass teaching, and/or glass learning. An indirect form of "mentoring" by example...but in digital space.
I put a lot of care into every thing I do and, although trying to be informative, my secondary intention with these well considered emails is to impress upon my students the power of words and the value in articulating thought through written form. EMAILS THAT KICK ASS are a collection of such correspondence, cut and pasted directly from my Outlook box, but with names changed to protect the guilty...
*(a)SYNCHRONICITY* is a letter to our RIT Glass student body in response to the rapid spread of COVID-19 across the nation in early March that led to an equally rapid decision to close college campuses down for the remainder of the semester. It was wild time...full of fear, uncertainty, confusion, and helplessness. There was an unraveling of societal normalcy that was nothing short of stunning...new government issued protocols of quarantine, lockdown, distancing, disinfecting, and personal cleanliness given essentially overnight. It was all so sudden and unforeseen...
Faculty and students were just beginning a week of Spring Break when news was delivered from the University President that RIT was closed for the term and that academic continuity would have to be delivered online. No one really knew what that entirely meant, but we were tasked to figure it out...which was a colossal problem to solve for folks providing studio-based educational experiences. Especially us in Glass...educators and students whose learning objectives and outcomes rely heavily on very specific facilities, equipment, and tools in each of our courses. Resources that just aren't available at home for remote learning. In turn, it was clear that whatever we designed to fulfill our course's learning objectives in the back half of the term would have to make extraordinary theoretical/conceptual use of what material experience our students already had in the front half.
Long story short, we as faculty were given a week to re-design and re-launch a modified curriculum to our Glass students to engage material competency, critical thinking, professional practice, and research-driven projects in a way that brought finality to the work we began together in this very peculiar Spring term. And to develop ways of doing this for all our students levels: introductory, intermediate, and advanced. (Which we did masterfully considering...)
We couldn't promise that what we developed would be anything like the experience of being in studio together. But we certainly developed content that would appropriately cover the course objectives that we hadn't accomplished yet...the ones that relied on out-of-studio research and development. The email below was sent the Friday before we began our first week of remote learning following to announce that revisions to the course were made, where folks could find those things at various digital hot spots, and what our next steps were before launching this very bizarre pedagogical experiment. Suffice it to say, there was a lot of heartache at the suddenness of it all...and those who were teeing up to graduate were the most disappointed in this remote learning experience as the replacement for their Capstone/Thesis exhibitions, final reviews/defenses, and graduation ceremonies. It was important to address that, too...to lead our students forward into the fog with optimism, but with a firm acknowledgment that we just can't have any potential goodness that might come out of this circumstance compromised by an exasperated mourning over spilt milk...
_
Dear All,
Susie and I have developed a REVISED approach to the rest of the term together that we are happy to share with you!
As we already know, all courses are now going online and Susie and I have created a new approach to your classes with us that (1.) support you in fulfilling the current requirements of the course, (2.) continue to nourish your growth and spark curiosity, and (3.) to maintain a sense of connection between this small, powerful group of people. Attached to this email are documents that outline the what/how/when of those things: a revised Syllabus to the course you’re enrolled in and a new weekly schedule. They will also soon live in MyCourses and the Department GDRIVE. Please spend some time with these documents and develop questions about what seems unclear. Things are always subject to change, but we feel EXCITED about how to make the most of this funky situation. We hope you’re game, too!
Lastly, it’s clear that everybody is disappointed with how this term has rapidly shifted…how it compromised our hopes and aspirations in finalizing all the work we’ve done together in studio and through a physical exhibition. You have our full understanding on that front. We’re heartbroken, too. But the only way to move forward is to work on developing ways in making this unsavory circumstance useful for ourselves. In fact, it’s the biggest part of the artist’s job description (!). We give you permission to be disappointed, but not to lament...to not let the bummers of this moment interfere with recognizing all the personal transformation that has been happening for each of you during this past year. Not to mention all the further transformation that is yet to come with what Susie and I designed. With that said, we are honored to have worked with you so far, proud of what you all have accomplished already, and super excited to still be able to crossover with you for the next few weeks. Where ever we might be!
Even in this incredibly foggy time, we must continue to walk boldly into this uncertainty...in whatever way that may mean. Our course work, our practices, and our potential careers will only be as fruitful during (and after) this as we're willing to let them be. Especially now with the factors of added constriction, constraint, and limitation in the. mix. After all, an artist isn't measured by what one can do, but by how one can adapt. The good news is that this is incredibly new and bizarre territory for everybody...and I'm grateful that we get to find our way together.
We’ll keep in touch…and we look forward to seeing everybody in Zoom soon.
With our best foot forward,
David and Susie
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Reasons Why Marrying William Sloan Is the Best Decision of Your Life (Part 2)
Wow, Part 1 made me realize that there are more people who romanced Mr. Sloan than I originally thought! I just have to say, congratulations on your good taste in men. ;)
To those who have expressed interest in replaying the books to choose this sexy businessman, DO IT! YOU WON’T REGRET IT. Mr. Sloan is a total sweetheart who will sweep you off your feet and raise your expectations of partners so high it’s practically a crime.
Notes.
- From this point on I’ll refer to the businessman as Mr. Sloan, as he is more familiarly known.
- Read Part 1 before proceeding with this part. They both cover the first book, and most points are interconnected.
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4. Book 1, Chapter 3. During their date in Venice, Mr. Sloan takes MC to Ristorante Oliviero for the best Italian food in the city. Without asking MC, he orders for her.
MC readily calls him out on it. “excuse u?? I can speak for myself and vote and own land and open a checking account? why are you bossing me around like I wanna choke on your dick??? oh wait”
Mr. Sloan is unfazed, although he tells MC to trust him in this particular instance. We let it go begrudgingly, although to be fair, the food he orders turns out to be amazing.
You have to admit, this kind of behavior on your first date raises a lot of red flags. Who wants to be in a relationship with a guy who decides for you without your permission?
To make sense of this, we fast forward to Book 1, Chapter 11, where something similar happens. Here Mr. Sloan returns to the cruise ship for his second date with MC. Honestly at this point I’m not even complaining because he flies back to her as soon as he can just to take her to Paris for a date??
Admittedly, he surprises her under the assumption that MC will readily agree/has nothing planned for the rest of the day herself. (Although, to be fair, surprises do have a way of ruining your own plans. That’s kind of the point!)
Here we’re given the option to tell him that he can’t expect us to leave for the Paris trip at a moment’s notice. A good option, too, since we’re trying to be as lowkey thirsty as possible we get to remind him that respect for each other’s time is kind of a thing. Besides, if you’re going to start a relationship with someone you might as well establish a list of acceptable and unacceptable bullshit between the two of you early on, right?
When MC calls him out, his reaction is surprising; he looks positively contrite. The panels above show him acknowledging his mistake, his tone completely different from when we first call him out in Book 1, Chapter 3. What’s more, he inadvertently reveals that he’s been listening to MC, after all, particularly about that advice to “let loose”. We don’t see him dance until Book 1, Chapter 18 (refer to reason 3 in Part 1), but it is clear even at this point how he’s making an attempt to match MC’s adventurousness and spend more time with her.
Just to put that in perspective, it’s useful to remember that he’s a CEO. In that particular line of work there is very little room for anything messes with plans, blueprints, and established timelines. That he is willing to make time for MC despite his busy schedule (because those meetings were probably scheduled months in advance and rescheduling them would be hell) says something about how much he must really consider being with her as his priority.
What I really want to underscore is how these separate chapters show us Mr. Sloan’s learning curve when it comes to romancing MC - and it’s clear he learns pretty darn fast. I had misgivings about his reaction to us calling him out on his take-charge attitude in Book 1, Chapter 3 but I like how it seems to have been deliberately written that way so we can see how he learns from it several chapters later.
He gets even better at it by the time we reach Book 2, Chapter 16, the night when he proposes to MC for the second time. He surprises her when he shows up at Nomade, and what do you know, this time he directly asks if she has plans for the evening before inviting her to Casablanca.
Did you see that? Yes, that’s character development.
5. Because Mr. Sloan is simply the best kind of life partner anyone can possibly ask for. Book 1 Chapter 18 reveals a lot about what we can expect from him as MC’s husband. As I’ve pointed out in reason 1 of Part 1, one of the things I really like about him is his foresight and how it always comes into play even in his relationship with MC, consistent with his work as an investor. He’s always thinking long term.
One of the ways the conversation with Mr. Sloan in this chapter is so distinctively him is that he doesn’t talk much about feelings anymore. That’s not to say he doesn’t reiterate them, because he does, at least in the beginning. But they don’t take up most of the things that’s said between him and MC.
What do they talk about, though? Well, they talk about important questions in relationships, like where they will live in the future and what MC thinks of having kids (in fact, this surprises MC herself, as shown in the panels below). Perhaps not everyone will agree with me on this, but the way I see it is that this man is already absolutely certain of what he feels for MC. As far as he’s concerned, the dating phase is done, which is why he’s already set that aside and moved on to the next one: planning their future together. Whatever MC’s misgivings might be, it’s clear at this point that Mr. Sloan has given their relationship some pretty serious consideration.
It’s also worth noting that when MC asks him what he thinks their future will look like, he tells her that she can tell him what she wants and he will just make them come true.
In Book 2, Chapter 8, he even goes as far as asking her, “hypothetically speaking”, where his next vacation house should be located.
Going back to reason 4 above makes it easier to see how Mr. Sloan’s character develops - he changes from someone who will make MC’s dietary choices for her to someone who looks at her as a partner with whom he can plan a future life together. It’s these small things, these subtle changes in his words and actions that tell us he’s been paying attention and learning from his interaction with MC. That perhaps their time together has actually changed him, and as cliche as it sounds, maybe even changed him for the better.
6. Mr. Sloan owns a winery. That’s literally it; who the hell turns down someone who owns a goddamn winery? Oh, and by the way? He names a bottle of wine after MC.
7. Because he knows his priorities, and it’s MC above anything else. In Book 2, Chapter 9, Rashad, Mr. Sloan’s very own best friend, warns MC that there’s a very big price to pay in being in a relationship with a CEO.
As hostile as Rashad delivers his warning, he makes a very valid point. Book 2, Chapter 9 perfectly underscores this when MC asks Mr. Sloan to go back to bed with her but he sadly turns her down, telling her he has to prepare for another business trip.
Before the chapter draws to a close, MC considers this silently, wondering if Rashad is right for warning her after all.
Surprisingly enough, in Book 2, Chapter 17, we see Mr. Sloan bite the bullet and very openly discuss Rashad’s thoughts on his relationship with MC.
I admit I did not see this coming; I thought it would be one of the things they’d conveniently overlook to give some sort of disadvantage to a potential relationship with Mr. Sloan. I mean, at least give the other suitors a fighting chance, Mr. Sloan?? lmao~
True to his nature as a businessman who most likely considers all angles of a particular negotiation before proceeding, Mr. Sloan talks to MC about his work-life balance and asks her what she thinks of it.
We try to be subtle about it, but suddenly Mr. Sloan says these magic words: “Consider it gone.”
Even MC does a double-take. Because… well, he can’t do that! He can’t just set aside his businesses for MC! Excuse me?? That’s like… totally sweet and romantic I cannot believe?????
I swear I didn’t cry. Maybe.
8. Because his proposals are so on point! Mr. Sloan proposed twice to my MC Alyanna because I’ve been loyal to him since the first book hahaha. Let me just spend some time on these proposals because they’re both beautiful and so well-thought-out.
Book 1, Chapter 19. First proposal.
I didn’t realize this until I was almost done with this list, but all the points I’ve listed up until now are mentioned and/or alluded to in his marriage proposal. I don’t want to gloat (who am I kidding, I totally do), but I can say with 100% confidence that our businessman’s first marriage proposal is the best of them all.
For example, he gather’s MC’s family members to witness the whole thing. One of the key themes in Rules of Engagement is family, and the first book does a good job at letting us see the strong bond between the four siblings. This being said, I thought it was very smart and thoughtful of Mr. Sloan to call them to witness what is arguably one of the most significant moments in MC’s life. It appears he knows what’s important to MC and he considers them important to him, too.
He also talks about how being with her has changed him, particularly about him dancing, as I’ve discussed in Part 1. In the left panel below, he mentions how MC makes him laugh, but also that she calls him out, unlike other people who appear to be intimidated by “Mr. Sloan from magazines”. I found this to be a nice touch; it gives the feeling that we’ve gone full circle and the time spent with him really helped build up their relationship.
The (intended?) symbolism is a nice, touch, too - Mr. Sloan proposes in the same place where he first met MC. If we go back to Book 1, Chapter 2, his very own words on the night they meet is “I’m not proposing that we get engaged. I just want to take you out for a romantic night. No strings attached.” Funny how he comes to propose many chapters later, at the very same restaurant and to the very same woman whom he once said those words to.
This is equal parts adorable and amusing.
In the left panel above, Mr. Sloan recalls the unfortunate (but absolutely hilarious) mix-up during his date with MC in Paris. It’s funny because you can tell he’s been thinking about that little mishap since it happened, and yes, his thoughts all along must have been, “Holy shit that was very embarrassing I swear I will never do that in my life.”
And yet here he is, several weeks (?) later, proposing in front of MC’s family and friends and possibly other people from the cruise. And you know what? He does it anyway. He braves his embarrassment and his discomfort anyway, because he’s decided that it’s okay, because it makes him the happiest, too.
It’s also interesting how he says, “Now, I’d like to put myself out here on a limb for once.” If we want to be very technical about it, “putting someone out on a limb” means “being in a dangerous position” or “doing something risky”. Well, okay, you say. Proposing is inherently risky, isn’t it, because there’s always a chance you’ll get turned down? Mr. Sloan is just acknowledging that fact.
Except, you have to remember he’s a businessman. Taking risks is literally what he does for a living. And if his wealth is any indication, he’s a very successful risk-taker. I actually interpret this as a very subtle way of him telling us how compared to closing business deals, he considers proposing to MC as probably one of the riskiest things he has ever done in his life hahaha.
Book 2, Chapter 17. Second proposal.
I was kidding; of course both of Mr. Sloan’s proposals to MC are better than the others! ;) If anything, his proposal in the Sahara is even better than his first one, because not only does he mention the moments they share together, he also mentions the times they don’t - and how even those form part of the reasons why he wants to spend the rest of his life with MC.
The four panels above show just how much MC has changed him, and I adore it.
But, of course, just to be fair to Mr. Sloan, we tell him this isn’t necessary. My MC isn’t here to impose anything on him, so she tells him he doesn’t have to change for her. He gives what is arguably the best response, as shown in the panels below.
Thank you, Mr. Sloan, for wanting to be that person who will dance with me in my lame black dress in a piazza in Venice. *wipes tears*
The rest of his proposal is absolutely magic, just like how he sees MC in his life.
I told myself I would let the panels above speak for themselves but ohmygod can we just acknowledge how much punch they pack because you can definitely tell that Mr. Sloan is speaking from the heart. This is exactly their love story. It’s a simple tale of two people finding someone whom they can dance in a piazza with, whom they constantly think about even when they’re far apart, and whom they’ll willingly make sacrifices for, because they put them as priority above all others.
It’s not all that complicated, but then again whoever said the best love stories need to be? ;)
BONUS!
9. This isn’t exactly a reason but I just wanted to add that Mr. Sloan planned the second proposal for weeks! Planning is his thing, okay, he’s good at that and he has plenty of money to show for it lmao. Here’s his hella cute reaction when we point this out (MC: “You’ve been planning this for weeks?”).
Dear @ god just please let me marry him already??
Also hey isn’t it funny that Mr. Sloan proposed to us in the Sahara? ahahahaha was our thirst that obvious?????
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Okay, that’s it, folks! This took a while but I hope you enjoyed this because I did! Thanks for reading and please don’t hesitate to shoot me a holler if you wanna squeal about Mr. Sloan! ;)
#william x mc#rules of engagement#william sloan#playchoices#choices stories you play#reasons why marrying william sloan is the best decision of your life#i'm so fucking tired goddammit william i swear if i didn't love you as much as i do#i probably missed some points but what part of mr. sloan is perfect do you not understand#fucking finally i can focus on school because this is done ahahaha#leaving something unfinished stresses me out#seriously tho i can't wait to marry william sloan let me live pb!!#I have feelings
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