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#but shadow is a bit of an exception
kr1llz · 1 year
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i dont know how to ask questions. but i now need to know everything about this au. any little scrap will do i just NEEDDDDD INFORMATIONNNNN
[sharp inhale] hi. fucking beams you
okay quick note: this is literally something thats been in my head for like 2 or 3 days if you see consistency issues ignore them bless. also for consistency purposes shadow has a higher concentration of chaos energy (bc i dont think this is ever said in any games but is just kinda implied)
the basic premise is that maria and shadow both survived the raid on the ARK and survived the fall to earth
Maria does still get injured and, in an attempt to heal her injuries, is able to use his own chaos energy to not only heal her, but more or less reverse the effects of NIDS at the cost of keeping his black arms traits completely at bay
additionally this extreme concentration effectively ruins his regulators, causing his issues with his black arms traits to be worse than they couldve been
With the reversal of her disease, Maria's lifespan and aging process is uh. kinda messed up, extending it by a pretty significant amount by making her aging process much slower
they go into hiding best they can and the 50 year timeskip that takes place in sa2 instead becomes time where they try and figure out 1. how the world works and 2. more about their past bc they were both kept in the dark about things while on the ARK (basically wtf was going on with shadows creation and why did GUN attack in the first place)
on the other hand, shadow experiences some mutations (third eye, sharper claws, increased amount of red quills/fur) and is more prone to violent episodes
these episodes are especially bad during their first few years on mobius but after awhile hes able to keep these episodes at bay much much better
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i also lied when i said i wouldnt post the art this entire post is the entire au as of right now so heres their (still kinda wip) modern designs
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this is where i havent thought things out as well but uhh BASICALLY maria hears about tails and how hes a genius and goes "huh. maybe this guy can help us but i have no clue on how to contact him"
this is also where things are very muddy but more or less shadow and sonic accidentally meet, maria finds them about to beat the shit out of eachother and offers sonic a meal as an apology
during this she tells shadow about tails and sonic goes "oh hey thats my brother :D" and there is no way to describe how they react in text so heres a doodle
as an agent for GUN, rouge is more or less the only true key they have to figuring everything out, so they have tails contact her (sonic and tails arent friends with her but its tails he has his ways) and she agrees to help them and uncover their past through some good ol spy work against gun, but says that theres a hefty price behind this work, that price being the chaos emeralds (this is her idea of being absurd and telling them that theres no way in hell she would do the job without being payed shittons of money) but they go "ok lol"
sonic tells tails about shadow and maria and how they want his help, and tails agrees
he does scans on the both of them and tells them exactly what happened to them all that time ago (marias disease being reversed, shadows glorified hormone imbalance) but says that he cant help with much else because he just. doesnt know enough about either of their conditions to really give any solid insight or advice but knows someone who might . this is where rouge comes in :}
this is where things kinda leave off bc like i said i thought of this like. three days ago LOL
right around this time the black arms invasion starts and through a series of events that i also havent thought out yet shadow gets like. partially assimilated into the hivemind
he still has his own conscious thoughts but cant control his actions, making him a threat
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raiiny-bay · 5 months
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'cause I am yours and you are mine, I'll never let you go
#ts4#simblr#ts4 edit#ts4 render#sims 4#blood tw#myedits#mb#red#teeth#i have not posted the actual monster boyz since november. november!!!!#did you guys miss them. i missed them#i have not worked on their story at all since the cricket post#i have GOT to get to work on the origin stories. oh well. i'll get to it when i get to it lol#n e way i finally remembered to put red's good eye to the camera lol#whenever i make edits i put red on the other side w/out thinking & all you can see is his blind eye#which is fine except it's near impossible to tell where he is looking which is usually important in my edits#he isn't totally totally blind in that eye. like. he can see shadows & light but it's definitely not clear#i actually just realized i don't think i've ever talked about his blindness before#there is a reason he is blind in that eye but it's a bit complicated. it has to do w his life before the apocalypse#the way mutations work in this universe is a bit weird & hard to explain. like there are several factors that determine one's mutations#for red it's mostly based on his trauma & his psychological state during the time of his mutation#his mutations manifest both physically & emotionally#teeth's are mostly physical bc he yk. got the shit beat out of him before he died. but!#becoming a monster also amplified all of his worst traits! like anger. impulsiveness. violent tendencies. he's basically always starving bc#those feelings act almost like a hunger for him. he craves intensity#cricket's is more complicated bc he is not a full monster. his are almost entirely psychological aside from his arm/bits of their face#& he's able to retain most of his human self up until the end#theirs are trauma based like red's but in a different way. it's more a combination of his anxiety & fears rather than lived trauma#if that makes sense. i'm not very articulate about this stuff sorry lol
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emdotcom · 3 months
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My'eah, some Sonic stuff I drew, playing with a different style!
Last 3 pages feature Terios, & the last page features Violet -- both are characters co-adored by @carnation-damnation !
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ride-a-dromedary · 3 months
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the darkest of nights, in truth, still dazzles.
a halsin fanmix  [listen]
01. Heart of Spring - david arkenstone | 02. Cé Hé Mise Le Ulaingt? / The Two Trees - loreena mckennit | 03. Pussywillows, Cat-tails - gordon lightfoot | 04. Maybe Tomorrow - f&m | 05. Don't Stop Me Now - queen | 06. I Was Born Under a Wand'rin' Star  - bryn terfel  | 07. A Tenuous Bond - derek duke | 08. Closer - nine inch nails | 09.  Into the Darkness - jeremy soule  | 10.  Colorblind - counting crows | 11. Natural Light - ludovico einaudi | 12. Under the Greenwood Tree - royal shakespeare company | 13. The Grove - bear mccreary | 14. Blood Upon the Snow - hozier & bear mccreary | 15. A Quiet Darkness - houses | 16. Spellplague - alderfall | 17. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables - jonathan antoine | 18. Only Everyone Can Judge Me - crywank | 19. Blue Skies - kathryn calder | 20. The Buzzard - old blind dogs | 21. Constant Craving - k.d. lang | 22. The Cave - mumford and sons | 23. Jim Cain - bill callahan | 24. I Won't Back Down - johnny cash | 25. The Ash Grove - laura wright | 26. The Wind - yusuf/cat stevens | 27. To Someone From A Warm Climate (Uiscefhuarithe) - hozier | 28. The Logical Song - supertramp | 29. Tapestry - don mclean | 30. Big Yellow Taxi - joni mitchell | 31. Eat Your Young (Bekon's Choral Version) - hozier | 32. The Flock - david maxxim micic | 33. Changes - david bowie | 34. Ri Na Cruinne - clanaad | 35. The Moments of Happiness - ken page | 36. My Back Pages - the byrds | 37. If This Journey - tom hanford | 38. Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There is a Season) - Live - pete seeger
#BG3 Musing#BG3 Fanmix#Halsin BG3#Halsin#Halsin Posting#my fanmix#i give up this is about as done as it will ever be - i've been talking about this enough i need to get it away from me#i could have made at least one or two other playlists with the number of songs i cut from this#there were some things that hurt me to cut but i figured others had them in their playlists so they're out there#(the impossible dream you will always be famous i am so sorry :(()#i had three goals with this 1. make it more of a timeline in that it follows a narrative order (which hopefully is easy enough to follow)#(it makes sense to me about as much as it is ever going to lol)#2. try to avoid using songs that other individuals have used in their playlists (with a handful of exceptions - i highly encourage you also#take a listen to the others around! lots of good stuff and i figured if you were missing it from this one you can find another with it)#(and if i did use one the context might be different#'closer here is being used in a different way than i usually see it - it's putting more emphasis on the 'you can have my isolation' bit use#in context of the matron and patron for example)#and 3. focus as much as possible on non-romance path elements of halsin's character - i.e. again that's a topic that is highly explored#in other fanmixes to great success - this one is about the childhood he references and the adventures and the capture in the underdark#and the shadow curse and the burying of people he loved and the uptaking of the archdruid position and the healing he did#and possibly did not do#and the radicalization he comes into when his goals are met and he's faced with injustices#and the struggle he has of redefining himself and figuring out who he is after all of it#hopefully the 'eras' are clearly defined but hey it's all gravy from here#honestly if there is one song to listen to that encapsulates halsin for me it's tapestry - highly recommend that#anyway i am blabbing - let the lyrics and such talk for themselves jemi please#but if fanmixes aren't your speed have a kinda nice edit i guess#edit: now with bonus song i just had to add after shamefully forgetting it
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elliscousland · 2 days
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i will be around for ooc conversation later, for sure, but i am trying to make ellis in bg3 & struggling HARD but this is where i'm at
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waldensblog · 11 months
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Justice for Alina Starkov, who couldn’t talk about her complicated feelings regarding Aleksander with anyone but Baghra who called her “stupid girl” for falling for him in the first place
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wereh0gz · 22 days
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Saw a bad take on Amy Rose
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mah-o-daryaa · 7 months
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The Cycle Repeats: Part I
One of the key themes of the ATLA franchise is the concept of the Avatar; master of all 4 elements, the fusion of humanity and Raava, the spirit of light and order, whose sole duty is to bring balance to the world, and be the bridge between both the physical and spiritual realms. Along with this comes the idea of reincarnation, which is the premise of the Avatar Cycle, the idea that the Avatar reincarnates in a cyclic order in any of the four nations (fire, air, water, earth). Another concept related to the Avatar Cycle (although originating from the fandom) is the idea of the Avatar fixing the mistakes of their past life, which is often indicated in differences in both habitual circumstances and personalities between both predecessor and successor, and therefore differences in morality.
But what if I were to tell you that the saying "history repeats itself" is also true among Avatar incarnations? Not exactly going the same way, but rather parallels between the lives, personalities, and accomplishments (and failures) of past lives?
In this series of metas, I will be going over parallels (or in some cases, foils) between certain pairs of Avatars that lived decades, or even centuries apart, and yet could not have ever been more similar.
The Unlikely Analogy: Avatars Aang and Kuruk
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"Aang was an Air Nomad born in 12 BG and the Avatar during the Hundred Year War, succeeding Avatar Roku and preceding Avatar Korra. As the Avatar of his time, he was the only person capable of using all four bending arts: airbending, waterbending, earthbending, and firebending. He was also one of a select few Avatars and one of the first in many cycles to learn the ancient art of energybending as well as the first Avatar known to have actively used the technique."
"Kuruk was the Water Tribe Avatar immediately succeeding Avatar Yangchen and preceding Avatar Kyoshi. Native to the Northern Water Tribe, he was a powerful and gifted bender who dreamed of changing the mortal world for the better by uniting the people and acting upon the foundations laid by Yangchen."
Both texts above are directly taken from the first paragraphs of their respective wiki pages; however, you would be forgiven for believing they are nothing alike, specifically due to their respective heritages. In reality, I would wager that Aang and Kuruk are actually the same person (literally and metaphorically).
(WARNING: There will be possible spoilers for both The Rise of Kyoshi and The Shadow of Kyoshi, particularly regarding Kuruk's backstory. If you do not wish to be spoiled, I suggest not reading any further and scrolling past this post until you have finished reading both novels. You have been warned.)
Kuruk's legacy plays a central role in both Kyoshi novels, especially in the Shadow of Kyoshi, where it's revealed that Kuruk hunted and killed dark spirits. This lead to both his body and spirit falling apart and him dying at just 33.
The first parallel is, ironically, their heritage. Aang is an Air Nomad, and his native element is air. Kuruk is a Water Tribesman, and his native element is water. Air and water are compatible in the sense that water can literally be described as a combination of the qualities of earth and air. Like earth, water can be strong and solid. Like air, water can be gaseous, fluid, and unpredictable. However, water also has an intermediate liquid state, with a definite volume, but always changing shape. Something about being the element of change or something. Just like the Avatar Cycle. I actually wrote a meta dedicated to this subject.
Why am I mentioning this? It's because the first element Aang learned to master (besides air, ofc) is water (which was also the element that was easiest for Aang to learn besides his own, due to air and water having similar philosophies), and he first learned to waterbend in the Northern Water Tribe, Kuruk's home (although he only learned the basics with Master Pakku; he only mastered it under the tutelage of his companion Katara of the Southern Water Tribe, who is also part-NWT). Conversely, the last element Kuruk learned to master was air, and he mastered airbending at the Southern Air Temple, Aang's home (he learned to master it under the tutelage of his companion Monk Kelsang, and it can also be assumed hat it was the element that was easiest for Kuruk to master besides water). Both Kelsang and Katara go on to become mentors to Kuruk and Aang's successors, Kyoshi and Korra respectively.
Another parallel is that both Kuruk and Aang were successors to wise and influential Avatars of their time (Avatars Yangchen and Roku respectively). As I have said in the first paragraph of the introduction, I mentioned the idea of the current Avatar fixing the mistakes of his/her predecessor. In The Shadow of Kyoshi, it is revealed that Yangchen neglected the spirit world, often siding with humans when making decisions between them. This lead to an increase of corrupted spirits ravaging the physical world during Kuruk's time by passing through rifts created by Father Glowworm, some attacking up to a dozen villages in one day. In the episode The Avatar and the Firelord (Book 3: Episode 6), it's revealed that Roku, by refusing to kill Firelord Sozin, was unable to prevent the Air Nomad Genocide and, by extension, the Hundred Year War. Both Kuruk and Aang had to face the consequences of their revered past lives.
Also, Kuruk ended up spending so much time in the spirit world that he ended up neglecting his duties in the physical world. He also started leading a lifestyle filled with alcoholism and debauchery, both as a coping mechanism and as a smokescreen to hide his duties from his Team Avatar (Jianzhu, Kelsang, and Hei-Ran). This means that both Aang and Kuruk have avoided their Avatar duties, but due to different reasons. Aang ran away because he didn't WANT to be the Avatar, while Kuruk ran away because he NEEDED to be the Avatar.
Kuruk hid his illness from his friends because he wanted to protect his predecessor, Avatar Yangchen's legacy (she often sided with humans over spirits when making decisions between them), and because he worried for his friends' safety. Both Aang and Kuruk share a common fear: being unable to save their loved ones from despair. This can be tied to the episode Nightmares and Daydreams (Book 3: Episode 9), where Aang suffered with anxiety nightmares the night before the Black Sun invasion. One series in particular consisted of his friends, Zuko, Katara, Sokka, and Toph, suffering, with Aang unable to save them, and Kuruk's refusal to confide in his friends to keep them safe (which could be a result of two of Yangchen's companions sacrificing their lives to protect her, and Kuruk not wanting to repeat it). The difference is that unlike Kuruk, Aang did confide in his friends (more accurately, you could say that his friends confided in him, as he was the only one able to defeat Firelord Ozai), and in the end, they all played a role in defeating Ozai.
This isn't even taking account the Kummi-Taang theory, which indicates more parallels between them both. To give a simple run-down, the theory states that Toph is a reincarnation of Ummi, Kuruk's wife, whose face was stolen by the spirit Koh The Face Stealer, hence why Toph was born blind, and why Aang met her in the mystical swamp in the episode of the same name (Book 2: Episode 4). I'll post another link to the actual meta dedicated to it:
On a more positive note, both Kuruk and Aang are stated to be bending prodigies, Kuruk especially. They each invented an airbending technique at the Southern Air Temple during their airbending training, demonstrating their unique creativity and adaptability (Kuruk's technique involved creating a cushion of air under a heavy object so it could be slid and moved over a floor with care, Aang's technique, the air scooter, is a spherical "ball" of air that can be ridden balancing on it like a top). Aang had already learned 35 of the 36 tiers of airbending at the time, so it would be rather ironic if Kuruk's technique was the only one Aang hadn't mastered at the time; however, I do have a theory that both techniques are connected, which I will discuss in a separate post. Aang earned his airbending mastery tattoos, and had Kuruk been an Air Nomad, he woud have gotten the same tattoos. Though, he did get a sky bison as a gift, and Aang's animal companion was a sky bison (Appa).
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I noticed that the only time Kuruk actually wears his iconic polar bear headdress is when Aang summons him in the episode Sozin's Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters (Book 3: Episode 19), not counting his brief appearance in The Avatar State (Book 2: Episode 1). In The Old Masters, Aang summons the past four Avatars before him for advice on how to defeat Firelord Ozai. According to @atlaculture, Kuruk's decision to wear the headdress in front of Aang--a strict vegetarian--could be him subtly reminding Aang that killing isn't always merciless (as Kuruk was a hunter, and probably had to hunt down large animals for food or as a rite of passage), which is stated here.
I noticed the line Aang says just before he summoned Kuruk:
"I need to look deep inside myself."
Despite the existence of the webcomic Escape from the Spirit World, which takes place between Books 2 and 3 (although Yangchen did say Aang wouldn't remember his journey in the Spirit World), this lines implies that out of Aang's past four lives, Kuruk's is the one he knows least about (Roku was Aang's predecessor, Aang probably knew/learned a lot about Kyoshi during his visits to the Earth Kingdom, and Yangchen, being an Air Nomad like Aang, was revered almost as a god-like figure across the four nations). Ironically, if you dig deeper, Kuruk is also the past life who was/is most similar to Aang.
Also, Kuruk's actual advice to Aang was: "Aang, you must actively shape your own destiny and the destiny of the world." This piece of advice has multiple interpretations. What Aang interpreted was Kuruk telling him to kill Ozai (combined with the fact that Kuruk was wearing a literal animal skin in front of Aang, only reinforcing his interpretation). However, Kuruk never said anything about killing Ozai. He could have actually meant that to him, it doesn't matter how Aang defeated Ozai, or even if Aang did kill him. To Kuruk, the only thing that mattered was Aang performing the act of Showing Up, and actively finding a way to defeat Ozai himself. Therefore, Aang obtaining energybending and then taking Ozai's bending away rather than killing him doesn't mean he didn't follow any of the Avatars' advice. On the contrary, by actively finding a third option to end the war, and actively participating in the final battle, Aang actually subconcisiously followed Kuruk's advice to heart (although you could say Aang didn't follow Kuruk's advice, since Aang didn't actively seek out the lionturtle; rather he was merely kidnapped by chance).
The final parallel between Aang and Kuruk is their relatively young deaths; more specifically, their final wishes. Kuruk died at just 33, surrounded by his Team Avatar, and he made them promise to take care of his successor and make sure she succeeds as the Avatar. Around 500 years later, Aang died at a relatively young biological age of 66 (and the chronological age of 165) surrounded by his Team Avatar and the Order of the White Lotus, and he made them promise to do the exact same thing. However, both Yun and Korra ended up growing up isolated from the rest of the world, and being told that being the Avatar was the only thing that mattered, which led to a serious mental stunt, even though it wasn't Aang's fault Korra ended up being kept in the Southern Compound on the orders of Tonraq, Tenzin, and Sokka, or Kuruk's fault that Yun was being physically and mentally abused by Jianzhu and Hei-Ran. The only difference was that Korra was correctly identified as the Avatar, but Yun wasn't. Kyoshi did not grow up the same way, but she was not spared either; I'll make a meta on her too. But seriously, how in the four nations is it possible for two people who lived centuries apart die with the exact same wish given to their loved ones? Unless they were the Avatar.
In conclusion, despite the difference in Aang and Kuruk's heritage, morality, and overall results as the Avatar, one could argue that it is true that certain beats in the cycle often repeat, depending on their journeys, personalities, and abilities. In the next part, I will explore the parallels between Avatars Aang and Kyoshi, Kuruk's successor.
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six-of-cringe · 2 years
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Of course the crows would continue having a blast making fun of rich high society Kerch stuff post-canon, but considering that Wylan has zero idea of what normal looks like, having only ever been either in a super rich but super detrimental household or homeless, everything would be a fun little game of "Is This a 'Rich People' Thing or Is This a 'Jan van Eck is Fucking Insane' Thing?"
Like the crows would be just teasing about galas and bed warmers but when Wylan tries to roll with it he accidentally ends up whipping out the most deranged occurrences imaginable which were not, in fact, the ✨Silly Rich Person Tingz✨ he thought they were.
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skitskatdacat63 · 1 year
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2005 Spanish Grand Prix - Kimi Räikkönen, Fernando Alonso + Jarno Trulli(my personal post-race highlights)
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greensaplinggrace · 1 year
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pretty privilege is real because the producers of shadow and bone really thought jessie mei li’s beauty could distract from the absolutely horrendous looking costumes they put her in. and they were fucking right
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cuntfan · 11 months
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Re-watched Sunrise Sunset after almost a year and let me tell yall the emotional damage does not go away
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yourqueenb · 5 months
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To follow up on what previous anon wrote (I'm not that anon to be clear) but thank you also for writing the truth about Nia and calling PB out on her way too favorable treatment which led to her unofficially becoming a main character in this book.
Refreshing to read seeing as not a lot of people saw an issue with that, but the problem is IT REALLY WAS AN ISSUE and I hope to not see that in book 3. Like ffs we are the main character, not her.
Yeah, I mean it wasn’t necessarily meant to be a call out. It was more so me just venting my frustrations, but of course I agree with you about how annoying and detrimental to MC’s story it was. I really just don’t get why they would center a supporting character that much, but it’s not like they haven’t done it before in other series. I think it’s just that in this particular situation MC and Nia basically switch roles, whereas in other series like OH and TRR certain characters got much more screen time, development, and care than they should have, but the MCs still felt like the main characters for the most part
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monobmp · 9 months
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Ok I watched the Sonic 2 movie, I think it was ok 👍
Shadow looks fucked up though LMAOOO
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p2iimon · 1 month
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drawing more furry fnaf art. yknow just to keep you posted. i love posting in the tags sorry these ones got away from me
#sammy is a brown bear (like freddy). his mom is white like funtime freddy#then crying child is blue (like bon bon. and to go with lizzies bonnet pink) (theyre not twins in my au but they definitely act like it. so#its like cute.) mrs. afton is blue violet (rockstar bonnie) bc i was running out of colors. i had already assigned her blue anyway.#max is black bc i seriously ran out of rabbit colors. or! no wait shadow bonnie. thats totally the inspo and not i had made his ears black#already. i think thats literally every rabbit color available. the afton family is pretty big. ig vanny. who would go with vanessa. obvi bu#shes not in my au. or at least not an afton. and therefore not a rabbit. if she was though shed be white.#and if you havent seen any previously drawn ones henry and william are yellow (obviously. they already have fursonas. theyre the reason#everyone else gets one. LOL) micheals purple like classic bonnie (who... is purple even if it was then retconned. hes purple. look at#withered bonnie. i hate ppl who say its just lighting. thats a lie by big blue bonnie. he was literally purple and then he changed his mind#like i said lizzie is pink like bonnet. and then charlie is black like lefty. because duhh.#DONT ask me about how this shit works okay. the rabbit dated the rabbit and the bear dated the bear. bc thats what happened. theres not#here. the bears got divorced. and the rabbits. the yellow rabbit and bear are fucking#no um. i like willry but i think if they were really fucking. i just think things would go differently. henry's gay in my au i dont think i#he actually had a man to fuck he'd manage to have children. its not who he is to me. will is bi but he obv thinks henry is some exception t#him being perfectly normal and straight. everyone wants to fuck their business partner. otherwise youd do it yourself#ig they can fuck after. i hate when people do these boring aus where henry and william never get married and william isnt a murderer and so#like what? theres nothing? just a couple of guys? if im looking for fics where theyre fucking im not looking for a fic where everything is#nice and clean. be serious. can we at least have some angst about it being the 70s or are you too much of a bitch for that too#anyway.....#simons spouting#simons fnaf au#OH also if anyone reads this whats the stance on this stupid idea i have where sammy pretends he has a thing for michael to annoy max. bc.#their parents had a thing for eachother. and sammy and max have a more familial relationship. and michael and charlie have a familial#relationship. but michael and sammy have barely met and do not at all. is it pushing it? i was thinking yknow from sammys perspective that'#'his sons' dad but! like you can fuck your sons dad. that's not weird. unless thats the way youre phrasing it i guess LOL. but i guess#michael would be like. thats 'my sisters' brother. and that is not someone you fuck*. BUT this isnt michaels perspective its sammy being#annoying. and from sammys perspective that is NOT his sister and there for NOT his sisters brother. *also im pretty sure this is subjective#if youre just friends. yknow. the ethics of sammy using this to bother max is not on the table because i think he deserves to be a#a bit of an ass. anyway LMAOO fkdglfg. let me know if youd like ive got anon asks on. please dont judge me for not knowing this.
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steakout-05 · 3 months
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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