When I had that panic attack the other day, my girlfriend really put some things into perspective... I don't know, I think I feel bad because this is the best my life has ever been and I'm still depressed and anxious. It feels like I can't do anything for myself and the things I can do, I don't.

But she said that she would feel the same in my position. That actually, when she was the most depressed, she *was* in my position. She said she'd go crazy from not being able to do anything all the time and for some reason that helped a lot. Like, just to hear that its not wrong to feel like this and that I really am doing everything I can.

It feels so greedy and selfish to look at my life being the best it's ever been and to still ask for more but I guess it's normal.

Helloo

This is my first time doing requests and uhh

I was wondering if i can request a dom reader and sub tighnari in heat?? Like he just cant handle it anymore hhhhh he just needed to do something about it and the only person he can think of doing it with him is the reader-

i dont know how to do requests

|･ω･`)ﾉ a/n : here is the long over due tighnari fic, i am officially back from my hiatus but uploads may still be slow as i get back into the swing of thing :)

✰ Hot Faced .. !

[ Featuring ] -> Tighnari x reader

cw : gn!reader, handj0bs, riding, d0m!reader, sub!tighnari

The air around you started to cool down as the sun made its way over the horizon, glowing orange as it slowly disappeared. The forest didn’t get as cold at night as it did in the desert so you wouldn’t have to rush back to the village to avoid the night, but something else was causing you to pick up your pace, eager to get back.

Today you were surveying the forest with Tighnari, but about halfway through the day he had to excuse himself back to his house, saying he wasn’t feeling well and needed a rest. Quite honestly, you were worried about him as he barely ever misses out on duties and is very stubborn, even when sick. So, as soon as you finished your work, you made a beeline straight back to the village.

Finally, making it back to the village, you headed straight for Tighnari’s house and knocked on the door. At first, you hear nothing, but after a second knock, you hear a muffled groan through the door. Panicked, thinking he was in serious pain, you barged into his hut without waiting for a response. And the sight you saw only made your worries worse. He was curled up on his bed on top of a pile of blankets, only in his underwear, as his whole body was in a sweat. His ears perked up as he heard you enter the room. He looked at you, eyes wide.

"Tighnari, are you ok? You look horrible, well, not like that-"

Stepping closer, you paused mid-sentence, now having a better view of Tighnari’s state. Along with the sweat was a deep blush covering his face and hands, but the thing that made you stop in your tracks was his underwear. A visible bulge was evident beneath his wet, stained pants. Now you understand why he had looked so mortified when you entered the room, but now looking up at his face, his horrified look has relaxed into one of utter lust.

"Sorry… need help, please?" the way he stretched his “please” made it sound more like a whine, the sound causing your stomach to do flips.

" I-um I can get you someone to help? Someone more experienced," you rambled on, not really sure if he was suggesting you be the one to help him in that way. A part of you desperately wanted to be the one to help him, but on the other hand, you had minimal experience in this field, let alone experience with hybrids. You were pulled from your thoughts as you felt him grip your hand.

"Fennec foxes mate for life." You weren't sure what he wanted you to do with this information, but you waited patiently for him to elaborate.

“That's why,” he paused. “It needs to be you.” You swear your heart nearly shot out of your chest at his explanation, and god he looked so cute just looking up at you with those blown out eyes.

All you could do at that point was mutter “fuck” before positioning your knee between his legs and capturing his lips into a desperate kiss. The kiss was sloppy, but nothing less than passionate, releasing so many pent-up emotions. Knowing how much pain he was already in, you waste no time in ridding him of his boxers, wrapping your warm hand around his wet length. He moaned into your kiss as he immediately started to buck into your hand, doing the same thing he was doing to his pillow only moments earlier.

You guided him to lie down as you sat on his thighs, slightly hovering over him as you continued to make out. As much as you wanted to never leave, you parted from his lips, moving your head to between his neck and shoulder, licking and sucking on the sensitive flesh. You hadn’t even noticed he came until you leant up to check on him after his whines sounded somewhat pained. Of course, any worries of him being in pain left as you take in the view of his cum solid stomach, his cock still painfully hard.

“Please, just wanna be inside you, need it.” Even if you wanted to be mean and deny him the pleasure of fucking you, you couldn't deny the need to feel him either. Taking off your pants, you sink down onto his length, humming at the pleasurable feeling of being full. On the other hand, Tighnari was barely keeping it together, head thrown back, nails gripping your hips as he let out the most erotic sounds.

Wanting to hear more of him, you wasted no time moving yourself up and down on him, hands balancing on his chest as you play with his sensitive nipples.

“Ahh! O.. Oh!... Aghh! Uughh!” He let out, drool beginning to slide down the side of his mouth. Even with the quick tempo you kept, he still thrust his hips up, as if it were insufficient. Not that you were complaining. You could feel yourself get lightheaded as he hit all the right spots inside of you.

“Haah.. Ooh god, I'm gonna cum! Pleaseplease let me cum inside! Ughhh Pleeeaase.” Of course, you couldn't deny him, especially as you were on the cusp as well. As you groaned out permission, it only took a few seconds before he was spilling himself deep inside you, your orgasm following quickly behind.

Coming to your senses, you looked down at your lover, laying there covered in sweat. You can't help but smile and he lays there, eyes closed, with a dopey smile on his face.

Gender Reveals

it was 5:30am thursday, october 5th. the day or your gender reveal .

“y/n..baby turn off the alarm..” jack groaned “no j wake up, we need to get ready. my cousin should start setting up for the reveal around 6am-7am” “ugh fine, come on lets go shower”

-

you and jack took a hour long shower so by the time you got out it was already 6:34am

“jack hurry and get ready, we need to go meet my parents and yours today remember?” “nope i forgot all about that, what time do we need to meet your parents?” “8:30” “what about mine?” “10:30” “ok start getting dressed”

-

by the time you and jack were done getting dressed it was 7:45 “jack come on so were not late, i couldn’t get even do my make up..” “its fine baby you look gorgeous promise, now lets go”

you and jack were in the car listening to music and your favorite song happiness over everything came on and you sung it the whole way there

-

you let yourself in with the extra key you had to see your mom and dad sitting on the couch “hi mommy and dad!” “aww hi my baby” you mom hugged you and got up to hug jack “hello sweetheart” “hello mrs. Y/L/N” “jack i told you call me mom!” “sorry mom!” “dad say hello or something!” “no” “did i do som-?” “no jack you didn’t do anything he’s just mad you got me pregnant” “oh..sorry..?” “jack don’t apologize, he’ll get over it”

you and jack ended up leaving early because of the way your dad was acting

“what did i even do, he told me i had his trust right? why is he acting like that..?” “jack hunny im sorry about him.. lets just forget it and go to mama maggies place?” “uhm..yea of course..” “jack im serious let it go” “baby i need your dad approval to marry you.. i cant let anything go..” “well let it go. hes going to come around promise..” “ok, lets go to my mom house

-

once you pulled up to maggies home she was waiting outside with muffins jack had asked het to have ready for you

“hi y/n!” “hi mom!!” “here these are for you” maggie handed you some strawberry muffins “aw thank you!”

jack was standing by the car, just watching how good you and his mom got along and he loved it.

after a while of you and maggie talking you and jack had to leave to get ready for a photoshoot urban wanted to do for you.

once you and jack got into the car you couldn’t help but notice how jack was still feeling uneasy “jack..baby promise me you’ll not let my dad ruin your day.. ill even tell him not to come to the general reveal if it will make things better” “what? no! baby im fine i just need a minute to relax about the whole thing but don’t tell him not to come, that will make things worse. how ‘bout this, if he makes me uncomfortable then well see about him leaving, but for now he’s definitely coming” “ok baby boy”

-

once you and jack arrived at urban’s studio you changed your outfit into what urban suggested and you started with some family pictures “jack! hold her stomach not her tits!” “urban shut the fuck up and take the pictures” “jack get your hand off my tits so the pictures come out right, and your paying urban for this right?” “nope” “jack! urban ill cashapp you!” “its fine y/n, i wanted to do it!” “ill cashapp you urban” “okk”

once you were done taking all you pictures you started to get hungry so you asked jack to go get some food with you “j can we go get some food?” “yea wait a second” jack ended up staying 30 minutes longer then a second and you were growing annoyed so you left by yourself, without telling anyone, in jacks car.

jack was blowing up your phone he had called you probably 30 times but you were picking up your food and didnt want to be rude to the lady so you just waited to call him back.

as soon as you called jack back and were on your way back jack was very pissed at you, and you could hear it through the tone of his voice “where are you? are you crazy! why didnt you tell me you were trying to go somewhere? y/n come back now!” “jack chill, im on my way back, i was hungry and you ignored me so i went to get some canes” “y/n baby were going home as soon as you get here” “fine”

once you got there jack was outside waiting looking like an angry mother.

you hopped out the drivers side making your way to the passenger side while jack started walking to the car.

“y/n, dont ever, ever! pull that shit again” “whatever” you continued eating your food tuning our whatever jack was saying “y/n i’m serious you could have got hurt” “im sorry j, can i just eat without being yelled at now??” “fine”

-

once you and jack got home you were about dont with your food so you went to you and jacks shared bedroom and put on a movie for you guys to watch until 3:00, the time on the baby shower, it was only 12:30 so you and jack decided on avatar.

you of course fell asleep so jack put the blanket up to your chest and hugged you closer on him while he finished the movie.

once the movie was over he work you up and it was around 2:30.

“baby wake up its 2:30” “2:30?! why didnt you wake me up earlier!” you hurried and got out of bed and started to get ready, touching up the makeup from your photoshoot and putting on a pink and white dress while jack decided he was going to wear whatever color you wore. so he put on a pink and white suit.

by the time you were dressed people had already started making their way to the gender reveal so you hurried up and got in the car as quickly as possible.

“jack come on!” “im coming

-

once you and jack finally made it to the reveal you started talking to some of your younger cousins while jack was playing with your nephew, he looked so good with kids.

once you were done talking to family you went over a found your way to jack.

“hi baby” “hi j, what time are we doing thr reveal again?” “around 5:30, its starting soon its about 5 right now” “ok baby boy”

people started gathering around you and jack by the ‘oh baby’ sign and handing you both poppers that had the babies gender in them

“3! 2! 1!” you and jack twisted the poppers and pink came out.

“OH MY GOD JACK!” jack came hug you from behind kissing all over you “baby, we have to start getting baby names ready” “ok but thats not important right now!”

everyone had left to go the the common area and started celebrating while you and jack stated out side for a minute looking at the pink confetti on the ground.

“im going to be a girk dad..” “ ‘n in going to be a girl mom.” you and jack both started laughing and thinking about shopping for babies until maggie brought you in for cake.

everyone around you started hugging bring in to you and jack “were so proud of you y/n!” “thank you guys so much for coming!”

after eating everyone started leaving so you and jack went home when everybody was gone

-

“come on jack lets go shower then we can watch movies” “ok, but your just gunna fall asleep during the movie” “i wont!” “whatever baby, come on”

-

after the shower you and jack picked out scream 1 to watch, you stayed up for the whole movie because you loved scream and jack was surprised, but after the second movie you fell asleep in jacks arms so he moved everything off you and onto the floor and cuddled into you.

“goodnight sweet girls, i love yall.”

(a/n sorry if the ending feels rushed, it kinda was because i didnt know what to write..)

fucking yikes im so sorry you get these kind of notifications, and of course theyre anonymous😒 coward cant even say it with their chest about a FICTIONAL character, in something completely optional to read. anyway, im a big fan and i reread your fics all the time! ppl complaining about gojo being ooc for being a bottom make me giggle everytime tho like no shit? fr?? gojo fucked canonically in the manga?? whens THAT getting animated and which chapter was it. can you link me 👀👉👈

and again, its not the source material. Its fanfic shared with you, not made for you. Its like walking into an ice cream parlor and demanding a steak, except even worse because the food is free!!! No one is holding you at gunpoint to sit down and read the whole thing huffing and puffing about how "its not what you ordered." and if you didnt read it, why are you here.🧍‍♂️

and imo the market is oversaturated with top gojo and bottom gojo satosugu. You're doing the lords work righting the scales one yuuji at a time🥰

"No one is holding you at gunpoint to sit down and read the whole thing": You'd think so, but some of these people do act like I'm at their house holding their entire family hostage while they read my fic with bloody tears streaming down their face.

Listen, if I had that kinda power, I'd manifest in my friends' houses to cuddle them to death. And hopefully cow-eye them into feeding me (looking at you specifically @eusuntgratie).

Delulu anon is the only one who's been a dick about it so far (and I think that one's just got several screws loose), but variations of this happen enough in my comments that I've constructed whole mental categories.

There are the nice ones, who basically say some variation of "I'm not usually into bottom!Gojou, but I'll read it from you." That's great! I generally take any version of "not my thing, but you're an exception" as a compliment, and the commenters generally mean it that way. There are also the neutral questions about who tops, usually before the fic gets explicit (yes, even in the fics where Gojou goes "fuck me, Yuuji ❤" well before the porn), and while opening my email to just that, without a peep about the fic so far, is about as appealing as eating burnt toast, I do answer and leave it be. It's fine.

And then you have the people with main character syndrome who cannot seem to conceive that any goyuu fic author would gleefully and exclusively write top!Yuuji. I've had people act like they're doing me a favor by reading my fic or assume it will be switching at the least. There was one...memorable occasion where someone liked the deaging fic overall but didn't like top!Yuuji, so they told me they'd be "stealing" the concept. Deaging is a bog-standard trope, so that's stupid as shit, but fucking Christ, the audacity. That was, IIRC, a fairly popular PWP author, so it's not even that they need any help to get eyeballs on their work.

There's just this persistent disbelief in the goyuu fandom about someone (me, I'm someone) writing top!Yuuji over and over. And it's clearly not that JJK fans just cannot conceive of Gojou taking it up the ass; like you said, there's plenty of it in satosugu, and I have it on good authority that nanago and sukugo are the same. It's just the combination of Yuuji and Gojou that gets this "one way only" attitude, and yeah, I know precisely why, but I've been in fandom for some 15 years now, a decade of it on Ao3, and JJK is the worst about it I've seen.

Sorry for the *gestures above* rant, but every goddamn month, this shit happens, and I am clinging to civility by the skin of my teeth.

But, far more importantly, please know that it put a bigass smile on my face to know that you like to reread my fics. Thank you, anon 😘

I've known for a while now that I'm carrying something alive in my belly. When the bump started growing I just had a sense that something strange was happening inside me. My tummy kept swelling day by day until I felt the first flutters of the life inside me.

It's impossible that I'm pregnant as I've never had sex. Realistically I know that this must be some kind of parasite. But I can't let go of the idea that I'm pregnant with a baby. I want one so bad. Admittedly, I'm getting carried away with pretending.

The more my belly swells with life and every time I feel it move within, the more love I feel for this creature. My friends try to convince me to see a doctor. They say I'm sick and it needs to come out. I know they're right but I can't help but put it off and tell them I'll go tomorrow or next week.

I don't want my belly to be empty again. I'm too attached. I love to cradle my growing belly and feel the kicks and bumps inside. I love it too much. I want this creature to be safe inside my tummy forever.

I wonder how long your body will be able to hold out, housing such a large, rapidly growing parasite in you belly must be taking a toll on your stretching skin and crushed organs... as you reach nine months, then ten, then eleven, your belly keeps swelling, struggling to keep up with the creature within you as it gets bigger and more powerful every day. Even if you wanted to see a doctor for help, its far to late. Your tummy is so huge you can't leave the house anymore, barely able to walk from room to room with how heavy you are.

Soon, you find you find yourself trapped on the floor, belly dragging painfully beneath you as you desperately try to reach the door to cry for help, crawling on your hands and knees. Your phone is dead and you cant reach it up on the counter anyways, your only hope is to scream and hope someone comes to your aid now. It's been almost a year since your belly started growing, and now the parasite has grown large enough to look like your overdue with quads.

As you try to drag your body towards the exit, you feel a sudden stab of pain come from deep within your tummy, and a gush of fluid soak your trembling thighs. Your body collapses on the floor and you writhe as a powerful contraction wrecks through your enormous belly. You struggle to roll onto your back, looking up at the mountain of writhing flesh. Its pulsing and straining around the thrashing creature, and you thrash with it, sobbing and screaming as it fights inside your belly, finally searching for an escape.

You clutch your tummy, rubbing and crying in pain, trying to sooth the parasite as you frantically push with all your strength. To your despair, nothing happens. The creature has grown so large, it would be impossible to give birth without it tearing your body apart, but you're so desperate to get it of your swollen belly you cant help but try. Red marks start to appear across your thin skin from the creatures limbs battering the inside of your tummy. It pushes upward from right under your navel, thrusting hard and throwing your belly into the air as you scream, watching your popped belly button bulging the tip of your tummy before crashing back down to the ground. Each thrust weakens your skin more and more, and you know your tummy can't hold on much longer.

Your cries for help have gone unheard, and you can taste blood at the back of your throat, either from how much you've been screaming, or your rupturing guts. The pain in your belly is only getting worse as the parasite gets closer and closer to bursting you, but your body is so exhausted your can barely move anymore. Each thrust has you seeing stars, and all you can do now is let out a strangled moan with each push. After hours of torture, your belly finally gives up. You let out one last scream of agony as your feel your flesh around your belly button tear, ripping down the sides of your battered tummy and freeing the creature inside you.

The last thing you hear is someone breaking down your door as your visions fades, catching a glimpse of the parasites bloody limb push from the wound before it all goes black

Im keeping this on anon because I-I... Well, you'll see.

I've been working on my issues for a while; getting diagnosed properly, working through trauma, and being kinder to myself. And I just... Discovered a huge issue with how I was raised regarding sex.

I was raised Mormon and raised to be sexy but sexless. I had to conform to male ideals of how a woman should look, which was sexy, but if I ever implied anything but being a stalwart virgin I'd be shamed... Or worse.

This has led to two horrific things in my life:

The first one is that I realized I've been fantasizing about being raped since I started puberty as a young child, that being the only 'acceptable' way to have sex without being damned. Ive had a high libido my whole puberty and post puberty life, but no one ever taught me how to care for those urges. Ever. And its intensely horrific that a young child would yearn for sexual violence.

The second is when my parents caught me looking at pornography. It wasnt even porn, it was erotic content, but it was enough they took *every* possible device in my name, cutting off every avenue of communication, and confined me to the house for weeks and started talking about forcing me into rehab for my 'addiction'. The truth was I had absolutely no way to manage my high libido and no one that would help, so I turned to the thing I thought I could hide. I had to essentially escape to the neighbors, claim abuse, and then after months of consulting with my psychiatrist, a psychologist, and two bishops my parents stopped controlling my life (and instead are trying to 'good advice' me into controlling my life anyways)

Over mild erotic imagery.

I already know I need to leave the house and make my parents as minimally involved in my life as possible, and I'm also going to have to wipe my records from the Church to keep them from trying to stalk me. While theyve let me have control, theyre always breathing down my neck and trying to 'drag me back' into the Church... When it was the Church that caused all of these problems in the first place. This is severe sexual and religious trauma and I know I need to leave, but I cant drive, I cant afford a place to live, and if I wipe my records now my parents will get far worse.

Its okay if you don't answer this ask, a-and if youre willing to talk to me in private refer to me as the Barbie Anon and I'll reveal myself, but I need help. Where can I go?

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. You're in a tough situation.

I'm not an expert on available resources beyond some national help lines for things like suicide. Actual resources are usually available through your state or city, or from local non-profits. You could try contacting The Trevor Project and asking one of their counselors if they could point you towards resources that could help you leave your home. If you're in Utah, perhaps you could contact the Encircle House near you and see what they can suggest.

I know when it feels like you're stuck in a situation you can't get out of, it feels like this will never end. Please know that life gets better. As we get older, get a job, go to college, go to counseling, get some benefits & assistance, and so on, we get more control over our life and we get to make changes.

Good luck! Wishing you the best!

HMS OTGW AU

Synopsis of the few episodes that i have planned its a lot of text i apologize + i wrote all this very late yesterday so it might be a lil rough lol.

Also I am very very tempted to write chapters on ao3 about this AU, so if you dont want spoilers on it you prolly dont wanna read the rest. Tho I gonna leave some things out just to save that for the fic. (i cant promise that theyll all be written and posted soon but i will try my best)

tw for depression and suicide (I mean have you seen the album)

Episode 7- For Whom The Bell Tolls

Instead of Laura and Aunite Whispers being there, the house is empty and wanting the get away from the cold, they decide to stay for the night. Soul goes out for firewood and leaves the other 2 to clean up and make a place to sleep in for all of them. They've all been getting along from that point so Soul isnt worrided about anything. Things are fine for awhile, but after searcing around, they find the bell from the original episode. But instead whoever holds the bell, can command another to do whatever the holder wants (kinda like the og bell but slight different). It at first goes fine, Hearts mainly just goofing off and messing around with it for a bit. Though, the concept of one controlling the other starts an arguement (like in the album) and without Soul to calm things down, it eventually breaks into a full fight. When Soul finaly gets back, one of them is just about to kill the other (again like the album). Which leads to a similer fight like TSE and The Bidding but now with Soul going with the fact that since they cant get along, they should just go their separate ways and find their own ways out. In the end none of them stay in the house and all go split up into the woods (which is definitely the best idea to do in the dark winter woods)

Episode 8- Cacophony

Instead of the drug trip dream that Greg has, itd just be the 3 of them trying and failing to go through the woods on their own. Each of them eventually having their breakdowns like in THA, TME and TSE. Leaving them all doing horribly mentally and attempting to sleep in the snow. (Like how Wirt and Greg do). Before Soul can (attempt) to rest, The Beast finds him, wanting to do a trade with him. If Soul were to go steal the lanturn from the Woodsman and become the new lanturn bearer, The Beast would let Heart and Mind go free out of the Unknown. And as long as he keeps the lanturn lit, theyd live happily and finally get along. Saying that as soon as hes even being near the Woodsman, they would already be free. The Beast of course is lying, and plans to kill off Heart and Mind and turn them into edelwood trees. Still, Soul has nothing else to go for, and so begins to search for the Woodsman.

Episode 9 - Into the Unknown

Flashback episode bby. I thought about making HMS go relatively through the same thing Wirt and Greg did (minus the whole Sara and school bit since none of the go to high school being like 20ish years old). Then I instead thought of Whole. (ps gonna try and write Whole as a separate person from CJ, since it feels weird to me to write about him so Wholes kinda his own character in this)

On Halloween, Whole would go through a rough day (one that would likely cause him to split into 3). Being frustrated with a lot of things he decides to take a walk to clear his head. Tho the rainy moody weather of *whatever this takes place* doesn't help his mood at all. Hell it makes it worse if anything. Its now night time and he eventually ends at a cemetary (like in the show).

Suprisingly no one is there, so he takes a break from walking by sitting up top a certain garden wall. At this point, this thoughts are getting worse and more depressing (his thoughts are also now spliting into 2 and then 3 voices). He gets knocked outta his thoughts when the rain really starts to pick up. Tries to get down but falls off on the other side onto train tracks. And like in the show, a train starts to head straight down them. Whole (still not in a good state of mind) stays there and waits for it. Its not till he suddenly feels him throwing himself out of the way almost involuntary. (The "Wait, no please wait!" sorta moment by Heart and Mind). And like Wirt and Greg, he falls into the pond/lake and passes out.

Episode 10 - The Unknown

(im using the stuff i typed last night so if it's incomprehensible and stupid, thats why)

Heart and Mind wake up similer to Wirt (in the snow with the edelwood branches on them). Now with clearer head, the both immediately panic worrying where the other 2 have gone and go looking for them. Heart gets disoriented with the harsh snow and winds, since hes ya know, blind, and ends up on the frozen lake in the show. And just as Mind finds him there, like Wirt, Heart falls into the frozen lake. Mind barely saves him and has another mental breakdown. Heart wakes back up in the middle of it and they have a lil bonding moment (they siblings your honor). They eventually get up and search for Soul. When they finally find him, hes like ONE second away from just fuckin murdering the woodsman for the lanturn. (hes given up at living at this point and just wants the best for Heart and Mind so hes like...less sane than usual) The Beast told Soul they should've already been out by now so Soul is now pissed he was lied to. The Beast gives up and decides to kill all three of them and have the (knocked out) woodsman stay at the bearer. Soul tries to fight it with the woodsmans axe but is too weak to do anything. The Beast and grabs the hatchet and throws Soul against the trees, leaving Heart and Mind to fight it themselves. Mind (and Darrell) can barley fight it off while Heart tries to find the not knowing its near Soul. Beast swats Darrell away and slams Mind into the tree, holding him there. Just as its about to wrap him in edelwood, Heart suddenly is like "haha bitch fear me" thinking he has the hatchet then realizing its actually the lanturn. Mind just slays there for a sec just like "god damnit juno you had ONE fucking job" Tho obviously, The Beast gets immediately pissed, not wanting the fire to burn out. Heart goes through the same realization that Wirt went through of "Why do you even care about the lanturn anyway? Its almost like your spirit is...wait" Beast moves, droppig Mind and threatens Heart. Although scared, Heart finally stands up for himself, tired of being ordered around at what to do. After freeing Soul, Mind then steps in front of Heart now protecting them while Soul uses the hatchet to stand back up in front of both of them. Willing to fight for his life again while also being pissed at the Beast for lying to him (also that it thought it could give him a purpose and tell him what hes supposed to be and do. Basically Soul has the realization he has in Two Wuv) Beast panics and tries threatening them/negotiate with all of them to let it live. Of course it doesnt work and they blow out the lanturn. Soul holds Darrell as Heart and Mind work together to hold Soul up as they finally walk out of the unknown.

Whole wakes up in the hospital in a similar fashion that Greg and Wirt do, reassuring close people that hes alright and just accidentally fell. He wants a bit of time to himself tho to comprehend him almost dying and the weird dream he had. Tho just as hes about to be like "twas all a dream" he finds that Darrell is laying next to him in the bed. The nurse saying that the chicken wouldnt leave him no matter what they tried to do. Darrell luckily didnt get too in the way and they figured it was his so just left him there. Whole then is like "yea...i guess he is" while mentally being like "WAIT WHAT THE FUCK HOW IS HE REAL??" The nurse leaves him be and he sits there thinking over everything and decides that he is a lot better mentally since that adventure and is happy his selves have gotten better and in turn he himself has gotten better.

Maybe he can talk to the three of them eventually or he gets inspired and starts making a certain album idk. As a wise man once said

Also had the ideas of 1.Heart and Mind being lost in the unknown with Soul as the woodsman trying to help them get back while also trying to save "Whole's" spirit in the lantern and 2.Heart and Mind are lost in the unknown with Soul being the Beast

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

Like you absolutely grow up way too fast when you have a sibling with disabilities because you either start thinking or are influenced to feel that you have to be a parent or a grown up to help your sibling when truly your job is to be a sibling with some awareness that your sibling requires different kinds of care. And that can either end up making you direct resentment to the wrong person (aka your sibling and not your parents for neglecting your needs as another child in the home) or feeling like you have to handle responsibility at the same level as your parents that they should be shouldering and not you, even to the point where like all the desires you may have, you may even believe you have to set them aside to be of help.

And it sucks cause growing up you feel like you cant talk about any negative emotion about these circumstances or your environment, especially feelings of neglect or isolation, without looking like a bad person, feeling guilty about having these feelings in comparison to what your siblings is going through, like you're being selfish or a brat, and often as a result you end repressing it and putting it in your head that you have to ALWAYS be good so you're not adding more burden to the situation at home.

And its wild cause like parents need to instead foster siblinghood amongst their kids, not making them fit into adult roles or worse, doing the opposite of this and leaving them in the dark when it comes to what their siblings are going through and ultimately making them feel like an outlier. This would be far more helpful in the future for all siblings involved given that a majority of people with disabilities that have siblings, end up with their siblings being the people who are most constant in their lives, even more so than parents because we unfortunately are more likely to outlive our parents. When we have the opportunity to have space and desires for ourselves with support from family, to have fostered lives like anyone else where we have the ability and assured space for ourselves then family, I think making the switch to being our siblings main source of support and care wouldn't feel like an extension of that environment of, dare I say, enmeshment? that can happen. And not to mention I highly fucking doubt siblings with disabilities appreciate that their siblings act like parent figures all the time when all they went is a brother or sister, someone who treats them like a person with their own autonomy that their parents can sometimes unfortunately fail at.

It crazy cause like I think now that me and my sister are adults we understand that WAY more than our mom does LMAO I sometimes try to do things for her from years of habit and conditioning to always be looking after her and she'll be like "Stop. You're not my mom and I can do it" or "Hey I need space, go away and draw or something " and I'm like damn ur right ok! LMAO started realizing I could be far more of help to my sister as her sister than as her psuedo dad and it absolutely is true. Because now that's shes dealing with trauma, my sister doesn't trust anyone else in my house with her feelings or what she needs, let alone her words except me now that I've slowly started to change our dynamic. Everyone has to basically communicate with her through me now that's she gone non verbal with most people.

today first day i cut my wellbutrin in half and only took that. tomorrow ill take the other half and i think thats good enough for weaning off? since i was on the lowest dose anyway. weekend so cant talk to my psychiatrist just winging it 🤷🏼‍♀️ at first i thought it was just me not being used to the heat but thats never meant i couldnt even leave the basement without sweating before. like im still in an air conditioned house and sweating. last night i had two ice cubes resting under my boobs and a cold towel on my forehead soaked my hair and was still sweating. never had THAT before even tho adderall does make me a bit hotter than normal. no freaking wonder binding has made me suffer more than usual lately. finally realized it might be the new medication i started a few weeks ago. i dont think its even helping with the side effects of lexapro it was supposed to so.. giving up on this immediately. upstairs now and already not as hot i think but it does get worse later in the day so we will see

Okay. Same rules as always apply: you can interact if you want to, or ignore this if you don't. As always, I know I'm a lot to handle.

I've had good mental health for over a week. Things were going great, I felt good, was sleeping, kind of eating (still struggling there, but usually 1+ meal a day, even if the + was an uncrustie), didn't have any intrusive thoughts. Then last night I could feel the spiral coming on, and for the dumbest trigger imaginable. For a totally irrational and juvenile and stupid reason. Which makes it even worse really.

It doesn't help that I may be getting sick, or I may already be sick. Not sure, and not sure where that might be going, but I know its not helping.

I mentioned recently that my friends are everything, my heart and soul. But probably 3 or 4 times a week I think to myself: "Wouldnt it be easier, safer, less hurtful if you just...didn't? Let your friends go, they were probably at least as happy when you weren't around. You can drift away from them, let the distance get wider, and you dont have to hurt anymore."

I dont mean friends like we talk once every few weeks or exchange letters or whatever. I mean the friends I can barely go a day without talking to them, the ones that I seek out to say hello to. If I leave, they wont notice for long, and I wont lay awake at night wondering if I said something wrong, if they havent said hi because they're mad at me, if this is all a colossal fuck up and they're screwing with me. Because it has happened. To me. Multiple times.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I let certain people in. Which is stupid, right? Because how can someone be so out of touch they didnt see the 6 foot layer of bullshit come down?

So, what if I didn't? What if I went back to just me and my partner, and my thoughts? How long before I crack in half? How long before I decide I cant handle it, I cant be that alone. I was able to do it once, when I was so much stronger. But I lay awake at night, after the first wave has passed, in a cold sweat. And my mind says you could stop the anxiety if you just get cold again.

I spent 10 years working. I know, I know. Everyone has had a job, has dedicated themselves to it. It was nearly all I had. In my family, you get up and you do your chores, then you go to work. When you get home, you make sure nobody else needs help with their stuff. If you're lucky, after exhausting yourself in manual labor for 12 or 14 hours a day, you can watch tv until your eyelids feel like iron. I cant tell you how many nights I fell asleep on the couch. The last time I went on "vacation", I had to help put a new roof on my parents house. When I was a teen and wed go visit family in NY, there were always chores. Mow the lawn, repaint the fence, redrywall your aunts house, put new decking down. Work was all I knew. Much to my surprise, people didnt do all of this all the time. They had downtime, they had reasonable hours, they had the ability to say no.

Thats another one. Saying no. Seems easy, right? I can type it to myself all day long. If I told my parents no about work, or side work, or any chore that fell into my lap because my sister said she didnt want to, I was punished. In a backwards and manipulative way. Suddenly none of my favorite foods were in the house, my room was never clean enough, I had to do all the dishes from dinner because it just didnt make sense to run the dishwasher.

So when I say I could just flip the switch and become cold again, my whole body goes into panic mode. My heart is racing right now because somewhere, someone is going to read this and know what is going on inside my head.

The only thing more terrifying to me than making an ass out of myself in front of my friends, more terrifying than them getting mad at me; is not having them. I honestly think it might kill me.

I let them in too far, and now what if they leave?

I guess I can't let them go after all. I hope that they don't want to be let go of.

This was only slightly more convoluted than usual. If you're insane enough to read this, I'm sorry to subject you to what is essentially word vomit. I need to get this out, or it will eat me alive. Never really understood what people meant by that until now, that holding certain things in can kill you, can devour you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm too afraid to be alone. I just need to not push people away, even though that is my immediate response. Just take a step back for a day or two, its no big deal. Then suddenly four months have gone by, and they're either tired of trying or didn't care enough to in the first place. Hard to say which of those is worse.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, except everything is lined with razor blades to make it more interesting.

Project: Honey

so... its been about... 3 MONTHS???? i thought i was gone shorter haha... so ive been busy... despite me wanting to see her again, ARHGGH why am i being so secretive im already going against orders... So, despite me wanting to see my daughter... which KH labs is doing, i highly doubt they actually are going to just contain her again. She destroyed everything they owned, it caused a huge dent in KH labs funding since they had to move facilities, from what ive heard from Muppy its pretty bad haha. They might torture her,, or worse,,, probably worse.,, but i wont let it happen!!!!! (huh,, always wanted one of those badass manga lines,,, but it feels kinda cringy now that im saying a cool line...) ANYWAY wow did i take my pills today im getting really offtrack... oops im doing it again since i cant really look for Bee Bee myself without KH following me, ive devised a plan. i call it project honey!! im going to leave hidden stuff around in order to get people to help me look for Bee without KH knowing. kids on this box thingy call it a arg? idk what it stands for... i got the inspiration on a walk with my wife, we stopped at a nearby village (KH agent still following us), and this annoying local was talking about how their "brat" daughter ran away and left a book with gibberish in it. I looked up on the box how to decode stuff like that, and then got onto the rabbit hole of this arrg stuff. i found a small orange thing, its about 1/16th of a block, i found it awhile ago during Bees destruction, its this small orange,, thing,,, that came out of a camra? the werid things at KH labs and theres like green inside it. I call it orange-stone since it functions similarly to redstone, but way more complex. ive been spending a long time figuring it out,, its been what about,,, 2 years? since i was originally put in house arrest so ive had alot of time. i even made it to create the computor? or what the critters in here say anyway, thats how ive been postin on here! :D even if it takes a whole day to even upload these posts... and after alot of digging around on here, im gonna use disco to send a message asking people to help me find Bee. Ive noticed the orange-stone lights up and it says like,,, some weird name and then "joined the game". i swear the names are REAALLY WEIRD. like who the hell is froggie_lesbian why would u name urself that... (its ok im not homophobic i just dont know why u would name urself that) oops i need to take my meds dont i anyway ive found out whoever froggie_lesbian is and im gonna send a message from their account asking for help... in their disco... i just need to record something,,, maybe add some camera footage from that old thing khoa had me film that video from, and itll be done!! oh yeah and i also gotta lay down the clues. whoops. anyway, if your reading this Welcome to Project Honey. please help, for my daughters sake. -Moon

ha haah aw here i was thinking  iwould continue to have some sort of nice weekend no dont be silly! its me we’re talking about :)

today d and t had great pleasure in laughing about how i cant afford to move out. how im alone and just how stupid i am with money - despite having 50k in the bank did i tell them i have 50 fuck no i said almost 30 ... ... should have said 15. fuck.

now d is ignoring me and striding around the house like a mad woman and i think in my room making a big noise :| :) i um was really considering not signing my contract on friday [this friday coming] what an idiot. i realise now that it’s not an option and i’ll need to sign because it’s a safety net for me at the moment. with that i can walk out at any time and not be worried that i dont have money, i can also do it in the car if i need. im tired i feel so sad for myself. my body is not happy at the moment my anxiety is sky high i want to cry but i cant because the big bad monster is around. cant wait until tomorrow afternoon when she goes to work. tomorrow i wont even come out of that study until she leaves. might start at 7am ugh no thats too early, 830 maybe. makes no difference really. 

gosh im hungry but there is no ham for me to cook eggs benny. too scared to go out in the kitchen and cook for myself becaues meanie bo beanie is romping around. 

did they go do something together? no. so its not just ME it’s YOU.

---

Parents want me to go out with them, I really REALLY do not want to go. So I decided I would stand up for myself for the first time in forever instead of just going along with whatever they want. My parents cant do anything without me which is fucking weird considering im an adult. They clearly do not like each other and im a buffer for that.

Bare in mind they just ripped me apart in laughing at how I can’t afford to move out and slugged me some more insults about how I have no idea about the real world, everyone else is worse off than me, I need to find a partner to financially support me and how the fuck could I have problems or something I want to express - I’m supposed to be a robot remember!? :D 

My nmom suggested some restaurants to go to for lunch and I said I didn’t want to go.

My nmom went on her own stupid rant and then “threatened” me with her usual YOU CAN GO GET YOUR OWN LUNCH THEN (as if it’s something i’m incapable of doing) instead of sitting on the lounge day after day. So why don't we go out?

Me: because I don’t want to.

Her: WHY NOT

Me: with nothing else to really come up with and being put on the spot i couldnt lessen the blow and just said honestly “because I dont want to… go with you” (I am an adult and don’t/shouldn’t have to go with them all the time) 

Her: Come on, I’m trying to help you (now you’d think aw this woman isn’t a mean monster but here we go) WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT (i was legit just looking at her as shes speaking) I worry about you I’m your mother (yeah right) 

Then she went on and i couldn’t keep up typing frantically without her coming over to see what i was doing so i stopped and my cptsd has stopped me from remembering ha ugh sad.

Tw manipulative Parental unit bullshit/my sociopathic tendencies towards said parental unit/ and small death stuff in the past/small mention of suicidal thoughts in thr past

So like i maybe go off like a villain here. Sending herw to send link to my megamind server buds. Uhm but yeaaa sorry if u didnt realize yet i can be quite crazy when it comes to real assholes like this guy. And i have no love whatsoever for child abusers /manipulators in anyway, shape, form or fashion.

Background: Only mental,emotional financial and phsyical type of abuse happened to me. Nothing rated M/E other then objectification for modeling. I have adhd and possibly many others including autism,anxiety, and recently thinking cptsd

Uh rant below

[[MORE]]

:readmore:

||So like TELL ME WHY this mans asked me TWICE NOW trying to bribe me to vome home and take care of his dumb ass

He has no working arms and i feel b

Pity im not completely heartless but i also laugh my ever fucking ass off cuz its his own karma hitting him

Its been damn near 3 years (1.5-2 since his accident) and hes STILL TRYING TO MAKE ME COME BACK

BITCH I RAN AWAY WITH 8 SUITCASES AND NOTHING ELSE WHYYYYYY

WHYYYYY WOULD I COME BACK TO UR NARCISSITIC MANIPULATIVE ASSANINE BULLSHIT

UR BEING SWEET and adoraaable and all "ohhh i love u princess. I wish u back princess. Im cryinnnng princess. Ill pay u 3600 a month! Ill pay 4000! A month!"

NO

NO

NO

I COULD BE PAID 14 GODDAMN GRAND A MONTH UR A LIAR

U will absolutely become a hellish monster again once im back in ur clutcges and im honestly cackling like a sociopath

This fucker has made me go full sociopath anime villain ass tendrncies. 0ne wrong step and i couldve been goddamn loki or deadpool in the real world im not kidding!!

If i got STUCK in the pandemic with this HO one of us would e died

One of us wouldve died.

I mainly kept tellin the doctors to leave him alive cuz i felt bad. I knew hed want to. I need SOMEONE to take care of the house (im broke af) and i wanna get life insurance to get i dunno 1k, 10k, 50k, 100k SOMETHING out of him.

And hes useful in helping me with grocery and occasional actual money

Just SIGH sighh i do love him

.....Hah Ahahha

Okay i USE to love him. I just feel bad for the guy at this point. He lost his goddamn chance for me to love him when i had to cry my goddamn self to sleep every fucking night of highschool asking Whyyyy the fuck he and mama dont seem to care. Even after saying my suicidal tendencies. Even after so many instances of me being angry beyonf measure. So many instances of abusing me even after mama (gramma) died. Even to the point where i legit was feeling insane from LACK OF QLEEP CUZ HE WONT TURN DOWN THE STUPID BASS

I cant stannnnnnnnnnnd bass anymore. Any bass in a speaker in a neighbors house i cant deal with.

Ppl yelling at me i cant deal with.

I dont think i can legit EVER fully live on my own without someone to at the least help me take care of thr house, appointments, paperwork and signing up or filling out things and spiders (sever phobia tht he neverrr helped)

Im 90% sure all of my diagnosis are 10000 or more % worse if not outright caused by him besides my adhd and autism

And even after all tht.

Alll the crying. All the screaming silently. All the manipulation. And abuse until he fucked my head around sideways and inside out

HE STILL THINKS ID EVERRRRR WANT TO GO BACK

im on low contact for "wow your life sucks" ahahajaha reasons just cuz i call u a couple times a month or two and we get along on the phone (cuz i laid down the tule if he starts yelling imma hang the eff up and or he starts blaming me imma sob story him till he shuts up) does not mean i will ever EVER live with him again

And if i even EVER THINK ABT GOING BACK its because i miss my house and old life i can never have and if i ever reallly think abt going back to him. My bog brother. My roommate, my bonus mother and prolly both besties would slap me upside the head or knock me out or tie me down and ask what the ever loving fucks wrong with me!!!

Jeezus christ! "I thought ud at least think abt it!" I THOUGHT ABT it for 23 yeaaaaars before i managed to get away u crazy man

No!

And even if i did I CANT TAKE CARE OF PPL i get grossed out touchin the hair tht combs off when i comb my own head.

I get grossed out at taking care of my own body

I get grossed out or shut down at the littlest of things tht even miss or roomie go WHY ARE U HAVING TRBL. Becauseee of himmmm. He made damn sure i would have to rely on ppl for the rest of my life which sets me up poorly to everrrr take care of him. Id rven told mama someone else would have to take care of herr. Id hire and pay someone but I. CANT. DO. IT.

So boo hoo sad story feels bad man but u made sure id have these fucking problems and dig ur grave and i wanna just scream at him to just lie in it nowwwww but i still need him and need to make sure he wont eff me in selling thr house tht mama for some reason only gave me half of. And maybe bribe him to keep my stuff in storage till im stable with a job again Ugh ;*; ||

Tw manipulative Parental unit bullshit/my sociopathic tendencies towards said parental unit/ and small death stuff in the past/small mention of suicide thoughts in the past

my mom still doesnt get that her forcing me to believe in god rn is making shit worse. i told her that the problems is her forcing me all the time to pray and become religious when in fact it just reminds me of before and is triggering me. she wont fucking understand that ill deal with religion once ive finished fixing my shit up. yk what she said to me? she said she's not gonna stop forcing me to become a christian cause she firmly believes its the only way to fix me. see? shes so closed minded and then expects me to become better. why not try listening to my reason that her forcing me to become religious just fucks me up even more? like bro ill be a christian when i want to but not now okay? cant she fucking understand that?

she kept forcing me to tell her what i hate sm about her cause she wants to be a better mom, and when i finally said its because of her forcing me to be religious, she says right into my face without any intentions of listening to my reasons that she wont stop it. she said shes gonna stop for a while, but once im mentally stable after therapy, she's gonna force me again. i cant with her anymore. i bet shes gonna go crying and controlling me if ever i become an atheist or maybe a different religion cause shes so obsessed with me getting saved and for me to go to heaven cause she loves me.

and you wanna know whats worse? i cant leave this house til i get a job cause i dont wanna starve either and i dont know a single shit on how to live and feed myself. i cant even cross the streets or buy things by myself cause she has always been gatekeeping me.

and then earlier she vents right into my face again that she's sorry she couldnt raise me like a great mom would. shes sorry that she couldnt support me. shes sorry cause she said her parents didnt give her any of those too. now im guilt tripped again and im supposed to feel sorry for her and understand her again? im supposed to suck it up one more time and get traumatized even further cause my parents are mentally unstable? am i supposed to pretend to do what she wants again just so i can escape from her nagging all the time? like she wont stop unless i do what she wants. but i cant leave this house either cause how the hell am i gonna eat? where am i gonna sleep?

she said shes gonna give me a link to a therapist that she might give me to, but at this state?? i dont actually know... my dads already closed himself off from us and theyre fighting bc of money again. its impossible that my dad would even be giving us something to pay for my therapy, so im not gonna get my hopes up.

and also whenever my mom argues with my dad, she doesnt shut up about god either. i kinda understand my dad why he just shuts himself off cause my mom's too close minded. my dads got issues too, like alot. but my moms just not someone you should really be arguing with cause she doesnt really stop talking about god.

when i tried confronting her that she's the problem and that her not shutting up about god was the thing making me feel worse, she said i was disrespecting god. see? i hate it so much honestly.

i dont wanna hear anymore of her and i dont want her trying to help me with this. its not helping i swear, but she insists and never gets tired of forcing god to me. i already told her im not ready to deal with that and asked her to stop. she said she'd temporarily stop and i hate it. she has no plans of stopping it.

im really just so sick of me being the bad example every bible study they do. im sick of them telling me my life was fucked up cause i never prayed. im sick of them. and i dont wanna hear anything about the bible anymore til ive recovered cause it just reminds me every time that my family sees me as some kind of demon. they see my rage as a symbol that the devil has control of me. its so fucking annoying. it was originally grief that i couldnt let out cause my mom shuts me up every time i break down. she forced me to suck up and not cry, so i ended up turning my sadness into this uncontrollable rage. this rage of mine was built up and was in me for years BECAUSE OF HER. AND NOW SHE TELLS ME THAT IF I DONT LET GO OF THAT RAGE IT WILL RUIN ME? WHO THE FUCK WAS THE REASON I GOT THIS RAGE HUH?

she said shes aware she was a bad parent before but shes asking for a second chance. she said i shouldnt shut myself off from her just because of what happened. actually she said she'd understand it that ill never forgive her, but it would be alot better for both of us if i wouldnt be so scared of fixing this with her...

that actually made me kinda regret what i did to you. yeah i was hurt a lot but by cutting you off from my life just made me more miserable, which wouldnt have happened if i tried fixing it with you. if i didnt shut you off and gave you a chance to fix it, then i wouldnt be drowning in my own sadness. im sorry if this is annoying cause i always dont know how to deal with my problems. im sorry if im still so conflicted right now and asking if i can come back to you when youve already let go and ive already hurt you by saying that im leaving. im really sorry for asking this but if you'd ever read this i wish i can come back. i wont forget that youve hurt me and broke my trust, but mistakes happen. i shouldnt be too sensitive and closing myself every time something happens. i know its too late but if it would really be fine if i come back...

COLLEEN HOOVER SUPREMACY

I just recently discover Colleen while browsing Pinterest but before that I’ve been seeing It Ends with Us from different social media platform. I just saved it just in case i forgot the title and just in time, my d-day i went to Fullybooked to check what’s new. Btw im not gonna call myself a book wormer. Oh its that even a word? Lol. But i read a lot of books but i bought a lot of books more than i read books. So while browsing in the bookstore i finally saw IEWU and without hesitation i bought it. I just told myself that this is one of my bday gift to myself. It took 3 days or a week to start reading it. But after few pages and story became interesting i finished it today. My friend told me that this book was a bit hype only and its not worth to read. But me, i feel Colleen, i feel Lily and i feel Ryle. Every scenarios, every situations where Lily had to protect his mom to his abusive dad there’s me crying behind the book. Thinking about how i saw same situation since i was a grade school up until college. It was a miserable life, it was hard. Coz all you have to do is to tell them to stop. That you just grew up waiting for them to start fighting then you start screaming and stop them again and again. Nothing to spoil here but its just that this book is very timely. That i had to write in here, my safe space, my diary and my outlet. Very timely to the point i was asking myself why people can’t easily forgive other people. Been there and still there. The trauma i had when i was a kid - it’s hard as f*ck now that im thinking about it. I thought i forgave everyone but this time its different. Especially that im a bit old and matured now. But Lily’s story make me realize that the effect of what happened to you when you were a child is what have you become in the future. The fearfulness of getting touch by a person you don’t know. The reason why you got scar in your head because your dad and mom was fighting then when he throw the stainless glass to your mom it exactly fled to your forehead. The exact word told by your boss that having physical pain can possible be related to your childhood, kind of trauma. And stories related to domestic abuse triggers you even more. IT SVCKS. That i overcome everything while growing up. I don’t wanna add those here but it hurts me like hell whenever i hear my mom cry and what’s even worse is to feel this pain again after my mom leave us. I already forgave my dad. I gave him a chance to become a better dad to us. I guess that’s the main reason why my mom left as last year because he wants my dad to become a good father as he never did before. I just hope that one day i can also forget all those days that whenever i cant control the chaos in our house i smashed my head in the wall, hurt myself by blades and crying every night. I hope mama knows how i protect her before i hope at that point she knows that i love her and i hate her seeing her with those bruises. I love you mom thank you for being a good mom to us and for helping us to forgive papa. I know that you love him so much to the point that you have to endure all the pain for 27yrs. We love you. Again, I WANT TO BE YOU WHEN I GROW UP. BRAVE AND BOLD. Lovelots, jai