#but it never really happens and its so fucking frustrating
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i have so many thoughts and feelings about this conversation. extra doodles and notes under cut
(ages are wrong btw lmao, i checked. sorry for the grungey look, these are basically sketchbook pics badly edited 🫰)
I just started a new playthru last weekend with a PHYS build and had the conversation with Cuno abt Cunoesse. It always guts me to be honest, but that was the first time I've ever seen this particular check. It hurts even more now 🫠
what always kills me (in a good way) is how many characters we interact with have such a rich history of their own, and you can only get a small glimpse of it in the context of your investigation and random conversations with people.
________________________________________
its so fucking frustrating (imo) in her case because we know these AWFUL, INTENSE but, like, totally out of context things about her past (from Cuno's perspective) with NO extra info to connect the dots.
I have so many questions; We know she's been in at least one snuff millieu, but is that all that happened? How did this happen? Did she ever have a happy childhood? Did she kill a kid? If she did, why? And did she ever do it again?
I'm going on and on, point is, we hear all this stuff out of order, out of context, and we never get to know the full story. we just see the aftermath of all of it, in this tiny bundle of rage and fear.
idk. you can argue everyone's in a really shitty spot, but i just really feel for her. something really horrible happened, and nobody seemed to care except for another kid like 2 yrs older than her (who, honestly, isnt much better off than she is, but cares enough to try to help. brb crying).
i miiight come back to this later to add some other thoughts or headcanons, or maybe i should just make a new post...
#IRL BESTIES!! i put red lines in the text below cut to indicate where it gets spoilery! AVERT YOUR GAZE!#disco elysium#de fanart#disco elysium fanart#fanart#my art#de#de cunoesse#cunoesse
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— confessing katsuki bakugo
from the widow you seen he was sitting all alone outside confused to why he wasn't inside enjoying himself, you furrowed your eyebrows placing down your cup , “hey, i’ll be right back!.” you yelled over the music as your friends nodded their heads going back to their convos, walking over towards the sliding door to go outside. you slid open the door, then closed it walking towards him, "hey bakubae." you teased with a smile seeing him look up to see who it is, scoffing, looking away. "tch, told you to stop calling me that." you chuckled, sitting beside him bumping your shoulder with his, "you like it though~." katsuki groaned turning his body away but he didn't say anything. it was quiet now.
you raised a brow looking at him, he looked..flustered? "hey..you okay kat?." your voice..that soft tone. he groaned once more nodding his head, "i'm fine you idiot." you didn't buy it. "then whyre you out here all alone? are you not enjoying the party?." he quickly turned to you hearing that small disappointment tone in your voice shaking his head, "no—! I do like it, it's just..ugh!." he growled due to frustration, now you were really confused. he was acting weird, really weird. usually he would be more shouty and loud but in this case he was quiet?. "if you don't i’ll understand. you don’t have to force yourself to like it katsuki." you slightly chuckled but again he shook his head, "you damn idiot I just said i like the damn party..it's just something else." he mumbled that last part, you raised a brow,
"what is it?." why was this so hard? he's usually so confident when it came to his words but now..he was stuck. why were these feelings so damn confusing?. you could tell he was struggling by how his face was turning slightly red, furrowing your eyebrows. "kat, you don't have to tell me if you're not com-!." — "I do! just..fuck why is this so damn hard!." he snarled clenching his fists together, the more he was thinking about it the more it made him mad, it was either now or later..for months he’s been wanting to confess to you but never had enough balls to do so. you made him nervous, believe it or not you did, your brown eyes, your skin, your personality everything about you made him nervous. ever since you came from america he’s always had an eye on you, they way you would fight, your strategies, they way you talk..he even went to his mom about it!.
..he hates to admit the old hag has a wise point. “if you don’t confess now someone else from your class might take that chance away from you katsuki, just follow your heart and do what’s right.” she was right, her words echoed through his head like an annoying car alarm going off. his hands clenched into fists, he should take this chance before its too late. ugh.
"fuck it." he snarled, "wha- hmph!." your eyes were widened feeling his lips against yours, you were so shocked that you didn’t get a chance to think properly. In an instant katsuki pulled back, seeing your reaction, he thought he made a stupid mistake going to apologize but when you realized what happened, you grabbed ahold of his shirt kissing him back, his eyes went wide but they closed groaning from the rough pull instantly kissing you back. your lips were so soft and gentle, he placed a hand ontop of your cheek tilting his head to deepen it. from inside, kirishima was wondering where you went and why kaminari and the rest were by the window, furrowing his eyebrows, “hey guys what’s goin-!” he yelped feeling mina grab him by his shirt pulling him towards their level. he was confused but when mina turned his head to look outside his eyes widened, “I knew they liked each other!.” she squealed as kaminari fake sniffled, “our little bakubro is growing up.” he wiped a fake tear as the rest agreed, “who knew bakugo would pull a girl.” sero added with a small chuckle, out of all people they didn’t think you would the one he likes. I mean they knew he had a crush on someone in the class but they didn’t think it was you!.
what seemed like forever, you hummed in between his mouth before pulling back, what you didn’t expect katsuki groaned chasing after your lips again secretly liking the way they feel chuckling, “kat..” you mumbled leaning back in to only give him a peck, with a grin on your face. “Is this your way of confessing?.” you questioned trailing your hand on the back of his neck feeling him pinch you on your waist with a small grin feeling a hard glare at him. “and what if it is.” he mumbled, shaking your head giving him one last peck on the cheek before getting up, “then if it is, yes. I’ll be your girlfriend.” — “bakubae~.” you giggled hearing him groan,
“thought I told you to stop callin me that!.”
“at least it has meaning now!.”
I didn’t know how to end this shit 🤚🏼
#black reader#my hero academia#anime x black!reader#anime x reader#{ 🖋️} writings#fluff#mha x black reader#mha x reader#mha fluff#mha bakugou#bakugou x black reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#bakugou katsuki#bnha bakugo katsuki#katsuki x you#black fanfic writer
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god i’m obsessed with men eating box. sue me.
konig is ravenous for some putang. little bit of mean!konig, but not too bad. overstim. mention of bruises. siiiizzeee kink bby.
this was not proofread. who has the time? ENJOY!
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i see konig as someone who isn’t fully aware of how strong he actually is to a normal person. like yeah, he obviously knows he’s big and strong, but thats when he’s being compared to other military personnel. it becomes evident once you enter the picture. he doesn’t mean for it to happen. you’re just so fragile and…sensitive in so many ways.
once you guys were ‘official’ is when it started. konig had always been respectful of your space and your body. having never gone out of his way to seek physical contact unless you initiated it first. it was like a light switch had been turned on, day to night within weeks.
his hands were constantly on you in one way or another. first off, his hands are MASSIVE. no matter who you are or what size you may be, his hands will always dwarf your own. he was rough, unintentionally…mostly. the finger print bruises on your hips, your ankles, your ass; the hickeys that littered just below the neck of the shirt you wore. juuuussstttt barely out of sight.
it had started in a play fight, one you had initiated and frankly, weren’t prepared for. konig had just come back from the gym, adrenaline and testosterone still coursing through his veins. he just looked sooooooo good…irresistible, really. sweaty and slightly out of breath from his run back. he b-lined straight for you, like he always did when he arrived home. he yearned for his ‘welcome home’ kiss.
his arms encircled around your waist, his neck craning down to collect what was rightfully his. his eyes flashed with disappointment when his lips made contact with something other than your lips. he thought maybe he had accidentally missed your lips, but when he tried again and was met with your forehead, he pulled back. a shit-eating grin spread across your face.
“fucking kiss me.” he’d demand, his eyebrows furrowing in frustration. you had yet to say anything, only offering a quick ‘no’, smile still on your lips. before he had a chance to retaliate, you were gone. running down the hall and disappearing.
he was on you within seconds, he was a professional after all. you had just made it thru the doorway of your shared room, konig grabbed you by your arm, his leg kicking the door closed behind him. he spun you around to face him. his hands now holding both of your biceps, his fingers digging into your soft skin. definitely leaving behind a trail of bruises.
you squealed in pain from his tight grip, “ow! konig you’re hurting me!” you whined, a small pout on your soft lips. his eyes held a dark stare, your small protest not affecting him in the slightest. you’d played the same card in the past, faking being hurt to get him to knock his guard down before you’d strike. he had you this time.
“ooooohhh, schatz…” he said in a fake tone, almost as if he were mocking you, “i’m sooooo sorry…” he apologized, his grip on you loosening slightly, but not all the way. he could see the excitement in your eyes, thinking you had him wrapped around your finger again. “let me make it up to you…” he said, a wicked smile threatening to appear. you only nodded, smiling sweetly at him.
you know what they say about men with big hands…
big tongues 0_0
anyway…
just the thought of the big…hot…wet appendage toying with your clit for hours…oh brother. and it would be hooooouuuurrrrsssszzz (yes with a z).
he’d pull you by your ankles to the edge of the bed. completely towering over you as he worked on getting your shorts off. which was easy enough considering he was able to maneuver your body in ways no one ever had. your thighs would sit comfortably on either side of his shoulders, his arms wrapped around the backs of your legs, holding them tightly in place as his tongue made its first assault.
your thighs would tremble from the sudden stimulation. broken curses falling from your lips as his tongue would flick your clit back and forth, unrelenting. tears would prick your eyes as your first orgasm approached at the speed of light.
“ko-n-ig,” you pleaded desperately, your fingernails digging into his scalp to try and push him back to relieve some of the pressure. he was as still as a statue and as strong as a bull. his grip around your thighs only tightened.
the pleasure was overwhelming, washing over you like a giant wave, boarding on painful as his pace didn’t falter. tears had now begun streaming down your cheeks. so soft and sweet…one of konig’s favorite spots to kiss…
he didn’t stop, no matter how much you tried to beg and plead your case…i mean he did warn you that he was going to make it up to you…you just never asked how.
only after you had your third orgasm did he stop, his grip on you finally relaxing, his face pulling away from your wet cunt. his face dripped with saliva and cum. his breathing was labored. similar to how he walked into the house earlier, the only difference being his pupils that was blown out to the size of saucers.
oh and the cum on his face.
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Oh my gawd i had to force myself to stop writing 😔 would’ve been here for hours.
#call of duty#cod modern warfare#modern warefare 2#cod konig#smut#konig x reader#konig mw2#konig smut
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After seeing Tim repeatedly work himself to the bone, Bruce encourages him to pick up one of his old hobbies like photography.
"We can just keep it between the two of us if it makes you more comfortable, chum."
Bruce was not prepared for Tim to send him meticulously crafted, tasteful, and absolutely sinful nudes of himself in the middle of a JL meeting.
😍😍😍😍😍 yesssss!!!! tim's favorite subject was batman and robin afterall and that never really changed. but tim is also someone who tries to read between the lines so when bruce said 'just keep it between the two of us' his brain told him that meant bruce wanted him to send him nudes, not just any nudes though. high effort ones like where tim does his makeup and perfectly smudges it, applying velvet and puffy lipstick to look like he just got the life fucked out of him.
and bruce of course is internally struggling whether he should say this wasn't what he meant or keeping silent so tim won't get discouraged or be absolutely mortified. for the sake of preserving his son's dignity, bruce elects to say nothing. eventually he reaches the point of expectantly awaiting tim to send him his nudes because they are quite nice. he never deletes them even though he should because its not right to have them, but what is he afraid of? that someone will get through his ten layers of defense on his phone and just know that the file labeled 'grocery list for september' will be housing photos of his naked son?
all it takes is one time. bruce is frustrated, lonely, and horny. he's in another country on business and trying to find a movie to watch on the hotel tv to distract himself when his phone pings and a photo of tim, hand groping his tit as he's sprawled out on sage colored cotton sheets shows up on his phone.
and god bruce knows hw shouldn't, he knows its not right but tim is already sending these to him under the impression he's getting use out of them so what's the harm in indulging.
bruce stares at the photo, at the soft expanse of tim's skin, his little tits, his glistening cunt. bruce grips his cock that he slathered in lotion and pumps himself to arousal staring down at tim's picture and imagining sliding his cock between those velvety lips and into his hot little hole.
bruce cums harder than he has in a while. fifteen minutes later he's incredulously staring down at his dick that is somehow hard again.
bruce hasn't masturbated twice in a row since he was a teenager.
needless to say it takes a while for the shame and guilt to set in.
tim's next photo arrives while he's on the plane and bruce excuses himself to the bathroom of the private jet and takes his time taking in the new sight of tim.
the same happens with the next and the next photo. bruce keeps expecting to feel awkward or odd around tim but aside from the occasional bout of self hatred and guilt which is no different from his usual one- bruce allows it to keep going.
there are some close calls of course. the one that nearly stopped bruce's heart was when tim sent him a photo while bruce was in the middle of a justice league meeting. he's certain his heart skipped a beat because clark's head turned to him, brows furrowed in confusion, likely having heard bruce's heart palpitating.
bruce manages to school his features to give nothing away and only grunts when clark approaches him afterward. another time is when he's in the kitchen and his phone is across the room at the breakfast nook. it vibrates with a message and damian picks it up.
the words "it's drake-" barely make it out before bruce is across the room and snatching the phone out of a stunned damian's hands.
bruce could say something, could ask tim to only send the pictures at night but....he doesn't want to discourage him.
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I love planning out fanfic in my head bc like. i have aphantasia (probably) so I think mostly in soundless monologue/concept. so it all just happens in my head in words but really fast, and then I just have to spend hours later putting it all down in writing. I don't really struggle for the right word to say bc all the words happened in the conceptual stage (usually) (sometimes I work off vibes and a vague idea I thought about once four years ago) ((but that's the authentic writer experience))
#people who see in your heads: do you plan out fanfics like movies/in pictures#or am i making that up and you all dream up ur stories in words too?#idk from what ive heard from imaginary picture enjoyers it seems like visualisation tends to be the default of those who are capable of it#ive tried SO HARD to see in my head but it feels like when you really need to sneeze but you cant#like its RIGHT THERE why isnt it happening i can FEEL IT#but it never really happens and its so fucking frustrating#so now i dont try anymore and i love thinking in concept/soundless monologue#sometimes i can think in sounds but it comes and goes#i heard once that some people can experience imagination in all 5 senses like imagine being able to taste candyfloss in ur head#what the fuck#this got away from me#tags#fanfic#fanfiction#fanfic authors#writing#aphantasia#writeblr#ficblr
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IS ANYONE ELSE FEELING KIND TODAY!!! IS ANYONE ELSE FEELING GENEROUS TOWARDS OTHER PEOPLE!!! IS ANYBODY ELSE BEING KIND AND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND EVEN WHEN ITS HARD!!! IS ANYONE ELSE ASSUMING THE BEST OF OTHERS INTENTIONS AND RESPONDING IN KIND!!!! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME
#having a day ^_^#I love being kind I just wish other people loved being kind more#people on the internet are SO FUCKING MEAN TO EACH OTHER???? its a terrible phenomenon#I have never seen people in real life treat others badly with the horrifying proportion of hate I see online#please. try to be kinder try to be more patient even when its frustrating#I have changed minds and deescalated arguments SO many times by being kind.#if someone is spouting misinfo in a furious rage and they're saying hurtful things? try responding with patience and kindness#even when you don't feel they deserve it. because one of 2 things usually happens#EITHER. they immediately shift their tone because you're talking to them like an equal and not an idiot#OR they continue to be horrible and it makes them look really nasty. its not a good look!! most people won't do the second thing!!#hateful online arguments has turned my mental health into a disgusting stew in the past#since I started being kind out of sheer frustration my mental health has improved a thousandfold#listen. sometimes its okay to be mean. if someone tells you to kill yourself I dont think its appropriate to give them patience and kindnes#BUT. if you treat someone like they're stupid. even if you're right!!! they won't listen to you or consider your words!!#because admitting you're right means admitting that they're stupid like you think they are. that feels bad so people won't do it#my wisdom. today I am so tired
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wooooooow naruto thanked him :) maybe naruto doesn't hate him. maybe.
maybe theyre even.
😳 friends
#my art#naruto#sai#sai yamanaka#naruto uzumaki#hbd sai#this is abt shippuden ep 197 or 198#this moment means a lot to me as a fan of sai bc its kind of the first time that naruto extends sai an olive branch or like.#even implies he likes having sai around#and it happens right after sai stopped the cloud nin from beating naruto 2 death 4 real#and then got really frustrated at naruto for continuing 2 protect sasuke despite how much sasuke was hurting naruto and sakura#and naruto told sai to shut up LMFAO#but like immediately after that despite sai insisting that sakura would be better at managing the wounds naruto has sai do it#and thanks him#and maybe naruto was just thinking about how mad sakura would get or something else#but u can tell it really meant a lot to sai...and the episodes after this he gets a little obsessed w/ making sure naruto is okay#u can tell the whole time hes thinking ''sasuke is a Fucking idiot. if naruto and sakura cared abt me half as much as they care about him-'#''-i would never betray them. i would never hurt them like that.'' hes like so jealous of sasuke#to be fair to sasuke. sai would have no way to comprehend the loss of the uchiha clan massacre or itachis torments but like#ough. these episodes r great for sai fans. hes trying his best and he Does Not Know What Hes Doing#this isnt intended as shippy (very little of my stuff is. as always) but just sai being Intense abt his first real friendship#i think he's obsessed with naruto because naruto is so...up front. he doesn't often give fake smiles#and when he does hes not doing it to be polite but to avoid hurting other people. i think sai is drawn to him like a moth to a flame
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...
#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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hello upper middle class northern usamerican tumblr user. i want to play a game. you will notice that you are in a super america convenience store in rural kentucky - you have three minutes to purchase a snack and drink of your choice and make normal small talk with the cashier. however, if you use the word "cryptid" or generally make reference to appalachia and its inhabitants as "wild", uncivilized, or lacking restraint around alcoholic beverages during your time here, i will personally tie you to the chassis of a four wheeler and tip it into the river. live or die. make your choice
#speak friend and enter#i can appreciate mothman as much as the next guy but can we stop treating appalachia like it's the subject of a richard attenborough doc#i come from a long line of hillbillies and i like to think i've got a good sense of humor about it but sometimes i am tested#like. this is not a lawless land with a moonshine still in every holler and nameless voices in the woods!! this is a normal town!!#idk maybe i'm reading too much into it but i'm just tired of the cultural fetishization of appalachia by people who aren't from here#and who don't know anything about it. like yeah you know mothman and what hooch is and that's all well and good#but do you know what the opioid epidemic really is. do you know about the structural injustices that keep people like mcconnell in power#i'm not saying you have to apply dialectical political analysis to every issue that occurs in the region to be able to have an opinion#but also like. i'm tired of people looking at places like where i grew up and making them into things they aren't#like. on the one hand we have ''ooh spooky hills!! run if you hear the trees whisper your name''#and on the other we've got ''isn't appalachia so depressing...so hashtag ethel cain core...shame it's got no value beyond aesthetics''#and on yet another hand we have ''i - a person with no ties to the region - am going to take up the cause of every social issue#occurring across the entire appalachian region so the world will see just how bad these poor hill people have it. i am very smart''#and like. it's frustrating#i'm not saying you should never speak about appalachia if something we have is interesting to you#nor am i implying that i want to gatekeep discussion of the region's issues to the community bc that won't accomplish anything#i'm just saying that like any place it's complex. it's got its good things and it's got its bad things.#and you shouldn't isolate the good from the bad or vice versa - especially if you don't know the context in which those things happen.#and for the love of god dont let your own ignorance cause you to boil down those issues into a reductive and inaccurate set of stereotypes#learn about us from us. not from tiktok not from movies and for christ's sake not from hillbilly elegy. i hate that fucking book#anyway that got weirdly serious but i mean it. putting appalachia as a talking point up on the shelf until y'all can speak intelligently#ok to rb
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my two moods while playing jihyun's route are "jihyun i love you, i want you to be safe and happy and love yourself, i want to make sure you know you can trust people and i want you to know that some things just couldn't be avoided because they were the decisions of other people and you couldn't have done anything to help or stop it even if you wanted to, and i know you aren't perfect but i love you anyways because you're trying to get better and improve and thats a beautiful thing." and "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOOSUNG."
#auburn talks mystic messenger <3#okay so idk how long these tags are going to be but i have BEEF with this blond fella.#if you haven't played jihyun's route and dont want spoilers do not read these tags. also tw for suicide.#i get that hes grieving over rika and that she was really special to him#but under ZERO circumstances does that excuse yelling at jihyun and telling him that he was the reason rika killed herself.#that does not excuse telling mc you're jealous of her because she's with rika when you know damn well the situation is dangerous#that does not excuse CONTINUOUSLY saying that you're certain everything rika has done of her OWN VOLITION was jihyun's fault#that does NOT excuse saying that rika almost blinding jihyun was very a good reason.#he is so. fucking out of touch when everything he needs to know is right in front of him.#his denial is so frustrating and the fact that i can't call him out as mc is even more frustrating#you have no fucking right to blame jihyun for everything that happened while simultaneously glorifying rika's actions.#you are absolutely DESPICABLE and i CANNOT believe you. please get your fucking head on straight for the love of every star in the sky.#no have no right to talk about him like that. nobody has any right to talk about him like that. they were both very bad each other-#-and i CANNOT STAND the fact that you're acting like rika could never do any wrong even if she is a hurting soul#stop excusing her actions. you're so shameless and its infuriating.
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ok thats vol 10 finished!!! heehee giggle teehee
#smudgy.txt#trigun#trigun spoilers#(in the tags smile)#i was so caught up in The Agony that i forgot trigun maximum is legitimately really well written & worth 100% reading#100% worth reading*#& let my fears scare me away#also ummmm 😊 AAAAAAAAAAAA PAIN PAIN SUFFERING AOUFGHHGHDSGHDFGGF GRAAAAAAAAAA SOBBING THROWING UP#bruh i have not cried like that from a fucking cartoon in a long time. fuck this comic GRRRRRRRRR#fuck this comic for making me FEEL THINGS GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR#like. in the anime yeah it sucked it hurt but it was also more frustrating that sad for me bc it just#didnt make sense & felt so... sudden & odd like it shouldnt have happened or wasnt supposed to#idk how to explain it.#but in the manga its just. perfectly agonizing#like yeah it sucks but it was GOOD....... ARGHHHHHHHH#it was like. a perfect send off. literally will never forget that. what the hell#WHAT THE HELL#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#whimper.
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"why didnt the mass shooter just go after politicians???"
you're thinking about it in the way you would do it if you were in that state of mind
it's usually not even actually about politics and is more often about interpersonal issues. the politics only exist to justify their actions, they're not the reason for them per se
if people ACTUALLY listened to the people who research this phenomenon you'd realize most mass shooters do it bc of a shitty upbringing of some sort, which is why the real solution is making sure no one feels so hated that they start to despise "everyone" (their mind distorts and PERCEIVES its everyone even if its just a small group of people) for making them feel hated and if you have way to easy of access to firearms, which is one of the biggest reasons mass shootings happen, you might decide thats the best way to "deal" with a world that "hates" you.
#people with poor or 0 coping mechanisms#absolutely 0 guidance or good positive figures in their lives#and plenty of school bullies or even at-home bullies#that shit makes ppl go crazy and start blaming everyone.#see- MOST problems can be understood when you actually choose to have empathy enough to understand#it doesnt mean you hafta be like 'oh its ok bc he was depressed and bullied' no! thats not what im fucking saying!#you have to be able to UNDERSTAND these situations to be able to change things. not just. assume whatevers most politically#convenient for you.#and no of course rw politicans wont do anything bc 1. they dont care if people die because of 2. thats still a better option than gun#control to them 😒#also its a good political tool when ppl do this. everyone gets to come up with their own reason for why it happened instead of actually#LISTENING to tha fuckin experts.#its just so frustrating seeing people go 'that little monster of a man was so miserable and unlikeable that he killed himself. GOOD'#when its like dawg... you're literally reinforcing it. you're BEING the problem rn. YOU would be a good justification for him. dipshit.#come the fuck on use your fuckin brain for once OBVIOUSLY its childhood trauma and bullying FUCK#we could ALSO prevent ppl from going down the alt right pipeline if we tried to stop bullying and childhood abuse#ppl really just never wanna believe that they couldve been somewhat complicit bc they were bullying dickheads growing up
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ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid
#mine#🎸#why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck#me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once#crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!!#i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either.#bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating#me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know#ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions#why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why#im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate#me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we#be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou#maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and#my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant#we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts#my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know#i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good#the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!!#my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post#is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably#this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while#it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them
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sometimes you just haveto laugh a little bit.not much else you can do
#kd#been seeing my friend inthe hospital every day since his accident thursday night. he is. having a Rough fucking time#yanked off his gown bc it was hot and he was too drugged up to even care about flashing everyone#friend is ok btw he just has never had any surgery or major injury or even a need for pain meds before so mentally he is having a Hard Time.#super frustrated with not being able to use half his body etc etc he wanted to take a shower today but couldnt even do that#its. not fun to watch. but at some point you jsut have to realize you cant do anything else and just laugh at how ridiculous things are#universe has really bad timing btw his mother got called home today because an escaped convict started a shootout in her neighborhood. like.#could that not have happened at any other time. i feel so fucking bad for her thats why ive been here so much so she can Relax yk#.pdf
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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Many years ago, I was wandering around downtown Ottawa with my best friend. We ran into a friend of his who offered us some hash (it sucked), then said there was a really good house party nearby if we wanted to go. We were like, yeah, sure. So that's how we ended up at some completely fucking random person's house.
I look around to ask if my friend knows anyone here and he's simply gone, as is his friend. And this isn't some red solo cup hangout; this is a party. There's people counting out pills on the kitchen counter. I am clearly neither as cool nor as drug-savvy as the kitchen people, so I back away and instead wander aimlessly into the living room, which seems to give off more of a chill vibe.
A bunch of people are seated in a circle on the floor. One of them is fiddling with a big wad of newspaper or something. A really cute grunge girl with piercings and tattoos scoots aside to make room for me, so I sit down.
"What's that," I ask her, gesturing at the newspaper wad.
She gets a really big smile on her face. You know the smile. It's the I'm About To Watch This Innocent Soul Get High As Fuck smile. "You've never smoked a tulip?"
"What's a tulip?" I ask.
"It's like if a joint was also a bong," she replies. "You gotta try it."
"Alright," I reply, a little uncertainly. This will not be my first encounter with weed. I am more comfortable with the janky newspaper bong than I am with whatever the fuck is going on in the kitchen. Besides, this girl is really cute and I would like to have a friend here now that my existing friend has turned into vapor or been transported to the Upside-Down or whatever the hell happened to him.
I watch as one person holds the newspaper joint-bong upright and holds a lighter over the top while another gets beneath it, tilting their head back to take a puff. Apparently smoking this Cheech & Chong monstrosity is a two-person job.
"Oh," I say, looking at the fist-sized knob at the top of the wonky newspaper joint. "Yeah, it does kinda look like a tulip." Grunge girl smiles at me.
I watch as the tulip is passed around the circle, along with the lighter, and hits are cooperatively taken. It reaches grunge girl, who takes a huge puff and holds it for an extended moment before exhaling an impressive blast of smoke. She smiles expectantly and holds the tulip up for me, preparing to spark the gigantic meteor of dank that makes up its tip. By this point I have completely forgotten about my missing friend. I only care about making a good impression on grunge girl. I tilt my head back and hit the tulip like a smokestack.
It is the following morning. I am sleeping between a couch and a wall. I'm not positive that this is the same house I was just in. My memories are gone. Someone is yelling at me: "dude! Dude! Wake up, dude!"
I sit up. My mouth tastes like cigarettes. I do not smoke cigarettes. "Wha," I ask the yelling man, who I am quite confident I have never met before in my life.
"We're going on a quest," he tells me, gravely. "You have to come with us."
I look around. Neither my friend nor his friend are anywhere in sight. I also do not see grunge girl anywhere. I shrug helplessly. "Okay."
We embark from this house. I learn that the destination of this quest is Tim Horton's. This is a relief to me, as coffee and a donut sounds really fucking good right now. Somehow, the route to Tim Horton's takes us past the Governor-General's residence, which everyone else in the group loudly heckles on the way past. I do not know what the Governor-General has done to raise their ire, nor do I particularly care. I trudge along with my hands in my pockets, pleased to note that I still have my wallet, phone, and keys. I fervently wish that I could remember anything about last night. Maybe I talked to grunge girl. Maybe she's why my mouth tastes like cigarettes. The tulip tasted nothing like cigarettes.
I am asked about my politics. I voice my frustrations with corporate corruption, the pay-to-win electoral system, the lack of transparency and accountability. This is met with great approval. The guy who was yelling at me claps me on the back. I get the impression that we became friends last night. I don't recognize his face. I do not know his name and he definitely does not know mine. I behave as though we're friends anyway. We are comrades on a quest.
By the time we make it to Tim Hortons, the gaggle of stoners I'm walking with have all run out of energy and/or attention span. People order snacks and break away in pairs or solo, to call for rides or plan the day's events or just vegetate and wait for the drugs to leave their systems. I look around and find that my nameless friend has also gone to the Upside-Down. As I wash the cigarette taste out of my mouth with coffee, I unsuccessfully try to remember whether I saw grunge girl smoking tobacco at any point. I remember nothing. That tulip was so fucking powerful that it instantly sent me a whole day forward in time.
Alone in the city, I try to call my best friend and get no answer. I walk to the nearest bus stop, catch a bus most of the way home, and call up my parents to ask for a ride back. They ask where my friend is. I tell them that I have no idea; we went to a house party and I don't remember anything else.
When they pick me up from the bus station, they ask me some very safe, nonspecific questions, and seem to relax when I describe what little I can remember. It isn't until years later that I realize they were probably terrified I'd gotten rufied or something, and were so relieved to learn otherwise that they didn't even bother chiding me for smoking myself unconscious in an effort to impress a strange woman. In any case, they were probably happy to find out that I did, in fact, like girls; I suspect they had been privately wondering whether I was gay.
After getting home, I finally manage to get my best friend to answer his phone. I discover that he tried the kitchen pills, spent most of the night crossing the entire city on foot, and crashed at his cousin's house. He sounds like shit. I tell him that he should have tried the tulip, instead. He fervently agrees with me.
I never see grunge girl again.
That's okay, though. She got to see a clueless stranger get fucked the entire way up on some ungodly strain of giga-weed, and I got smiled at by a cute girl, and then I got to go on a quest. Wherever grunge girl is, I hope she's happy. I hope she's smoking the fattest fucking blunt and smiling as some kid passes out behind a couch.
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