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hell-raven · 9 months

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absurdly long tangent/analysis

EDIT FROM THE FUTURE: this isn't to dissuade anyone from interpreting the canon as they want i just wanted to share my personal opinions based on the preexisting canon that may or may not be very passionate, please just have fun do whatever you want none of this is fact

i really hate how utsuho is flanderized to death and constantly boiled down to "the dumb bird girl" because if you actually sit down and Read her dialogue instead of relying on secondhand information you learn quite a few things about her (when i say this is absurdly long i mean it so keep reading at your own risk)

extrapolating from her own dialogue:

she actually wanted to blow everything up in th11 for real and it wasnt just a "hehe whoops" kind of thing. she was bestowed an extremely powerful ability and deliberately wanted to use it to cause destruction/take over gensokyo

she is extremely knowledgeable about her ability and job (anything related to nuclear power and regulating the flames of blazing hell, or just things about former hell itself)

she takes her job very seriously and supposedly does it very well

but there are a few things that get people: she has poor memory, other characters refer to her as "birdbrained" or "empty-headed, and there are a select few instances of dialogue from hisouten/gouyoku ibun that catch peoples attention. its one of those things where because other characters (and people) say shes stupid, it influences everyone else! in my opinion, i think her own actions straight from the source are much more indicative of who she is rather than the quick judgements of other characters.

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the first major point before i get into the specific dialogue in the fighting games: "kanako needed an empty-headed hell raven, and utsuho fit the bill"

what exactly is meant by "empty-headed"? this is going to be more of an abstraction, so definitely take it with a grain of salt. we dont know much about utsuho before she gained her powers, just that she worked as a lowly hell raven that helped around the palace of the earth spirits/hell. to me, it sounds like an incredibly mind-numbing job that really doesnt require much thinking to begin with, so of course you wouldn't expect some kind of supergenius from it. im also going to go out on a limb and say that utsuho was a candidate for kanako's plan because she's also considered a pet. many unfortunately conclude that pets can't be intelligent, and even the title of "pet" carries the connotation of inferiority. even if she was truly empty-headed as previously suggested, this doesn't mean that she stayed as such with no change at all. when i first played th11, i would have never guessed that she would be "the stupid one".

small note: ZUN's comment on her theme ("even a fool that possesses great power can't cause too much harm")

the problem i have with this is that she really would have caused a lot of harm if the protagonists hadn't stopped her. you could say shes a fool for letting the power get to her head, but objectively i cant exactly point to anything in th11's dialogue/scenarios that suggests she's foolish unless you really want to count bad memory-retention as such. not gonna argue this too hard, but it seems like "fool" is a word thrown around very freely with little thought to how you can actually apply it to a situation.

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IN HISOUTEN: sanae beats her up and afterwards says "youre trying to help me, actually" to which utsuho is like "Oh Ok". you could argue this is probably her dumbest moment, but would you really not follow or listen to the person who defeated you in battle? its not the most defensible point, but she didnt even seem completely oblivious either when she was asking sanae about the incident. my personal interpretation is that she has a bit of a short temper related to how important her job is. there are plenty of other 2hus who are generally sillier than this, it doesnt make much sense why utsuho is the only one who gets this treatment.

IN GOUYOKU IBUN: utsuho doesnt notice reimu before she starts blasting her to bits, which to be fair reimu wears all red in Hell (her fault honestly) + correct me if im wrong but is the power of nuclear fusion not extremely blinding? supporting this, in the events of GI its also implied that shes being overworked due to the oil incident, and we already established that she takes her job very seriously, so to me it makes sense that her first thought is to "remove the contaminant" and to use a lot of her energy in the process. a lot of people in general sometimes get wrapped up in their own work to the point of hyperfocusing, i say the bird can do it too

i also havent brought up the fact that we dont exactly know wtf eating a god does to your brain, whos to say it didnt fuck with you a little bit?

past all of this though i still think utsuho is funny as hell with her particularly bold and uncaring personality, its just that people seem to think that a couple of goofy moments make up her whole character and its just mildly annoying to me.. subterranean animism will probably be my favorite portrayal of utsuho because of how seriously they all treat her (mostly) but overall i wish more touhou fans would actually indulge in the source material and think a bit deeper about this neat little piece of fiction that i am WAY too passionate about (also its just way more fun to look at characters from a complex perspective)

#raven.txt #touhou #long post sorry #i realize how funny this looks from tumblr user Hell Raven i promise im not mad i just have many thoughts

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devotion-disorder · 5 months

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I'm planning on setting up an ask blog for my yandere ocs, do you have any tips for running a blog like that?

im not sure if im the best person to be asking about running an ask blog since im…frankly not doing a very good job at it, but i’m still happy to share some thoughts! take em with a grain of salt tho

I think one of the best things about running an ask blog is the collaborative aspect of it! As in, i dont often think of it as “people ask questions and i give answers” but rather “i am given prompts to deepen/ explore my characters”! So really its thanks to all the kind people who send asks to me to shape my ocs into who they are. this is kind of a horrible example but coke can Noel only became canon because of the whole small pp debacle LMAO Point is, i think it can be a fun way to figure stuff out along the way!!

With that said, its about a delicate balance of giving and withholding information. Sometimes im deliberately vague about key information to hopefully intrigue people into asking about it, eg: initially i only stated Noel has face-blindness but did not talk about how/when/why he got it or how that affects him. Once again, and fortunately, people were willing to engage with me and i get to release the lore organically bit by bit. This is not foolproof though, and you gotta lay down a foundation before others can build on it…i’ve received 100+ asks and not ONE person has asked about Kuuya’s right eye, but thats entirely my fault cause i never brought it up myself LOLL

Also i think its useful to diversify the type of content you put out! I originally planned to answer ALL asks with drawings but soon realised that was just impossible, hence i dabble in writing when im unable to draw. It also helps with burnout in general. Its a good way to keep up a regular posting schedule, which i find is very helpful in encouraging people to actually engage with you!

and lastly remember its your blog so its your rules babey!! go wild!! do whatever you want its literally your house. good luck and have fun!!

#anon #i also think very very generally 1-st person content seems to elicit the strongest responses #sorry for mistakes in this im typing this on my phone #i’ll be on the lookout for new yan ask blogs that pop out >:))

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typenull · 2 months

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how do you find the courage to open up about parts + distinction? its nice in theory (i like being understood and accepted) but in reality its scary. im currently finding it difficult & near impossible to do so with my closest (IRL & online) friends + group therapist. (even names/pronouns). i feel like a trapped deer in headlights. what about you? i think of you as brave and admire that trait about you for being so open about it. sorry if this message is weird. i dont know how else to say it.

wow hi anon, first of all thanks for the ask; i'm really honored that you'd think of me that way about something like this in the first place... and it's not weird at all, don't worry! this subject is definitely something i go back and forth about all of the time, and i think that fear you're describing is completely normal; especially if you're only just beginning to try sharing about having parts at all. so don't worry, i think the fear is actually kind of "baked-in" to the disorder itself, imo.

this got pretty long, so i'm going to put it under a cut!

i think a large part of what you may be picking up on from me has just come from time. i've been formally diagnosed for about 3 years now, but i first identified my symptoms about 10 years ago; i've had a really long time to make a whole fuckton of both mistakes and tough decisions when it comes to how i want to present being dissociative online. compared to how i was when i was younger, i actually consider the amount of actual information i share to be fairly low (so it's surprising to me that i seem as open and not like a private recluse lol) - but my overall acceptance of the disorder and what it means for me to have it has definitely solidified in the past 3 years. that's allowed me to curate a fairly generally cohesive "collective" image, but that can sort of be a pro or a con. i tend to view any information i share online as just being a small "segment" of the overall "chimera" - as long as what sections i share don't put me at risk, it just becomes another facet of how people see me overall. basically, i try to incorporate my view of the disorder into my presentation of my self, i guess. i wouldn't be who i am without my parts, so they become part of me. this mindset largely stems from having to backtrack on a lot of old ideas about the disorder; viewing parts as external figures, presenting parts as Quote Unquote "Completely Separate", etc. you'll have to put your own time into thinking what those sorts of things mean to you, and how you collectively think of it when it applies to yourself.

despite how it looks, i actually have comparatively very few parts that feel fully comfortable "presenting" solely as themself nowadays, and to have that luxury is actually fairly rare. as the guy who's writing this I personally only recently (within the past 2 weeks or so) worked up the courage to present as anything personal to me at all. this is mostly because having a collective name online gives me (overall) the freedom to hide behind that moniker and image that i've spent so long curating, and trying to step outside of that is a pretty big source of risk.

for the most part, i deliberately try not to share information about parts that could put myself in danger, or that would cross those part's boundaries. there are some disagreements when it comes to this; some information that certain parts feel strongest about sharing / feel is strongest tied to their personal identity online can sometimes be information that others feel like "if you post this online we will actually die" about, lol. as always, communication is the most important part of dealing with any part of this disorder.

building off of that, i think the most important piece of advice or what have you is going to sound kind of cliche if you've been deep in the paint on reading advice for DID, but it will get easier as you get to know your parts - and more specifically, each parts boundaries. i would take the time to ask your self and others what exactly it is that makes you freeze up when trying to share or present in a way that's comparatively more open. i'd even ask myself what you consider "being open" means to you, because it's different for everyone. i found myself realizing that a lot of my hangups with it were from other parts' fears or worries, and had to talk it through to come to a middle ground with them.

this is especially true when it comes to wanting to be open to therapists. i've never been in group therapy outside of inpatient before, so i can't exactly be the best help there... but i personally try to remind myself that despite how it feels, i'm technically the person in the position of power in a therapeutic relationship because i'm paying for their service. if i share and i feel it alters our relationship in a way i dislike, or that it puts me in danger, i have the authority to terminate that therapeutic relationship. i would start small and just see how it feels to share about the existence of parts at all in a group setting like that before diving into anything more personal.

i feel like i had more to say, but i've already typed up a whole novel, lol... i hope at least this can give you some insight on where i come from when sharing things online. thanks a lot again for the ask, it means a lot that you'd look up to me in any way. i'm not at all an arbiter of DID advice or anything, but if you'd ever like to shoot me a message off anon you can certainly give it a shot. (even though i'm bad at responding to dms.)

#Anonymous

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definitelynotshouting · 11 months

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I’ve been trying to grasp why I’ve been so in love with hunger au, and it wasn’t until looking up the lyrics to ‘ibuprofen’ to try and spoil the next chapter for myself (I am very good at making things up) that I figured out why.

Your World building is beautiful and I’m a massive sci-fi fan I thought that was why I was originally so invested, but I realized that the entire story (as of rn) can be read as a metaphor for a type of personality disorder?

This isn’t me saying that the story MUST be a metaphor, or even that you intentionally wrote it like that, but goddamn it does click some button in me like oh!!

Sometimes w personality disorders it feels like all you can do is hurt people. You’re carefully restricting your actions and expressions so you dont ever get too comfortable and hurt someone, but you inevitably fail and all you can do is feel bad because you were able to be yourself and meet some kind of internal satisfaction but the result is other people being hurt and you still aren’t happy cause that’s inherently a bad thing.

And then the logical conclusion is that you should never speak or hang out with people (or like. Live.) ever again because it’s not right to be hurting other people with your mere existence.

Idk if anyone else has mentioned this before but yeah that’s this for me lol. But!! Help exists!!! and Grian will get help too with his watcher tendencies after he realizes that his existence isn’t inherently detrimental and that there are solutions for his problems if he uses his big boy words and asks.

And no one will forgive him for what’s happened overnight, and those who forgive him will still have been hurt, and some of his relationships will be permanently altered because of the way he’s hurt them. But it’s not the end for him and it’s not the end for anyone else!!

Sorry this is so long! Idk if I should tag anything sensitive in case you decide to respond so Ima leave that to you— I’m a tumblr lurker I’ve been here for years but never commented on anything lol. Ty for the story, keep living laughing and loving (It’s what Grian would want apparently) and have a good one!

placing some obligatory tws here for those with post filtering: tw for discussions of mental health, personality disorders, and minor suicidal ideation (in the ask)

alright with that out of the way this is actually really validating for me to hear bc a lot of what you're seeing in this has been inserted very deliberately. While its not intended to fully be a metaphor for having a personality disorder, a lot of what's been depicted does draw on that, so im really glad this resonates with you!!

At its heart and core, hunger au is about the raw process of recovery, and how grueling but ultimately rewarding it is to commit to getting better. Showing this process through the fic is, i suppose, my way of holding the hand of everyone who is struggling with their own recovery and saying "i see you. i understand. you arent alone."

I cant overstate how humbled i am by everyone who has taken the time to tell me how theyve seen themselves in hunger au. And the fic is just getting started!!! The fact that people are resonating this hard with it at only 5 chapters in just blows me away. Its everything ive wanted for this fic. Thank you for taking the time to tell me this, because im truly so grateful that i am making an impact with it, no matter how small or personal.

#shouting speaks #asks #hunger au #compliments #genuinely cant tell yall how much it means to me that people resonate with so many aspects of hunger au #and that they feel seen and heard #idk thats just smth really special and i am cupping it in my hands so reverently #mental health #personality disorders #suicidal ideation #<- for those with tag filters n not post filtering #long post #txt

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soulrph · 2 years

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hiya! ill tell you now that this ask isnt rp related so feel free to ignore it, i just... kinda have no one to talk to about it, but i can feel it festering in me and id like to spare myself the emotional breakdown. i hope that doesnt guilt trip you into continuing. anyways, recently i deleted my tumblr blog for several different reasons, one of which was that in the fandom im currently hyperfixating on, i got vague-shade-posted at by one of its bigger artists. quickly it felt like everyone was turning on me, so i just ran while i still had the chance because i knew no one would care. and i was right— all of my mutuals and friends whom ive had day long conversations and plotted many headcannons and fics with didnt react at all and everyone avoids bringing me up even though i was a very active participant of the fandom. its like ive become a bad memory, if even that. but none of that is why im here and need to get this off my chest. that's because of AO3. ive always had very little feedback and interaction with my works, but now it feels like people from thia fandom are deliberately avoiding my content. ive started feeling very discouraged as a content creator and i dont know what to do. writing is all i have now. if i lose that... i dont know where id be. you honestly dont have to answer this, just writing it out made me feel better a little. i didnt have anywhere else to turn to, so im sorry for putting this in your inbox. thanks for listening, though. i hope your day goes lovely, and that you never feel as unwelcome in the world as i do.

hi my darling!! first i wanna say how sorry i am for not getting to you sooner! tumblr loves to hide these things from me, it’s an absolute mess! but anyway, i’m going to try and see if i can help you out here, bc ur situation sounds absolutely terrible, but it also sounds like a situation that, i’m sure, many people would relate to and understand!

so, for starters, i want you to know how welcome you are in the world, regardless of the opinions of a small group of misguided and frankly foolish people. from what you’re telling me, it sounds an awful lot like this one person who posted about you has a lot of influence in your fandom, right? enough of a presence that, when they speak, some people may feel like there’s no reason to argue or test their reasoning.

i say this because i’ve found many fandoms, at some point or other, inevitably have this kind of presence in the midst. it’s often accidental; i absolutely despise the notion of “popular rp blogs”, i’ve seen so many friendships and friend groups fall apart over accusations of being these “popular rp blogs”, and it’s an absolute mess of a situation that never made any sense to me. the dash isn’t high school. we’re all here to have fun! and yeah, we’ll complain and rant sometimes, but ultimately, we’re all here to make friends and have a good time together while we write outrageous angst about our muses, right?

i digress!

i used to write on ao3 myself, and i wrote in two or three different fandoms. not a lot, mind you! but i did notice that i got a HUGE amount of responses in the arguably smaller fandom than i did with the larger fandoms! like, the difference was incredible! plus, i don’t know if people without ao3 accounts are able to comment or offer feedback on the fics, so there could be LOADS of people reading your stuff who never made an account! i think i read stuff there for about three years before i decided to make an account!

but the truth of it is, you’re after emerging from a truly crappy situation. i think there’s tonnes of people out here who can relate to being vagued about, or to being the target of a shady post. but i also know for a fact that there’s LOADS of people here who have that as a rule; that anyone who vagues, is getting blocked on the spot. it’s 2022. we’re all adults, or at least responsible enough to be online and able to navigate this hellsite. the days of vaguing and shading others need to end.

i don’t want to end this on a dark note, so here’s some nice stuff! for one thing, you’re undoubtedly an incredibly mature and sensible person! reaching out and writing about this stuff is such a healthy thing to do, and you’ve even mentioned that you felt better after writing it, too! so well done!! secondly, you know how brave you need to be to write fanfic AND join tumblr?? SUPER brave!! and to be able to leave tumblr is also a feat of its own!! the important thing to recognize here is this: it only FEELS like people are avoiding your content. and while your feelings are valid, stress and anxiety can combine to lend a new and very unnecessary volume to the voice that’s telling you these things. you said you like writing! so write! it doesn’t matter what the people in your fandom think! you write what you want to write, and the right people will find it and read it and love it! i have a seventeen-chapter fanfic written in one of my old school copy books about a zombie apocalypse, and it started off based on my oc, then it expanded to cover literally any book, tv show or movie i’d ever read, seen or watched! and i love it! i love reading that old tattered book! you write what you love, and other people will love it too. okay?

ily. know that you are always welcome here. and know that your value doesn’t depend on the opinions of a few. you’re a good person, and you didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and i’m sorry. i’m so sorry that you ever had to feel so badly that you felt “unwelcome”. but just because that group doesn’t welcome you, doesn’t mean that the rest of the world feels the same way! keep writing. and promise me you’ll never forget that you’re always, ALWAYS welcome here.

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weabooweedwitch · 2 years

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I uh

I dont even know how to word this and not sound kind of cruel but I think I lowkey met like an actually evil mentally ill person today. I think she may have tricked me into doing something I wasn't supposed to do for the purpose of reporting me for it later because she's been deliberately causing scenes at our store and acting like she wants financial compensation for it.

This is a really long vent post but uh. I feel like I need to write this to save these details into my memory and on print

Today she was acting totally fine and i didn't realize who she was until i was outside alone with her. She basically "revealed herself" by bringing up a specific story that allegedly happened to her, I story I immediately recognized being told by a manager about "this nightmare woman screaming abuse". So she basically comes to our store, shopped, and said "im disabled i need help loading my car" which, guess what, is not actually a service our store provides nor is obligated to provide but she will not take no for an answer. So I help her because I like idk didn't want the store to get in trouble or us get in trouble for refusing, and she wanted to give me a tip for helping load her car. I told her no multiple times and was really nice like "oh no, I don't want you to feel obligated just because I was nice" but she talked me into accepting a single dollar bill

This woman was already, uh, "showing signs of her disorder" and was threatening to sue another coworker over severe abuse and she started mentioning like, disability lawyers and shit, and now hours later now that im calm,, I'm thinking "fuck she actually straight up tricked me into taking money from her when im not supposed to" and im absolutely positive she had malicious intent because of the way she gave me the money. I saw other cash in her wallet and she was speaking like she wanted a specific denomination of money but only gave me a single dollar bill? She's going to come back later and say I violated my job or took advantage of her as an elderly disabled woman or something and

And I just. She like. Did something that kind of chilled me a little bit. I'm talking to her and she's being kind of incoherent and unreasonable, complaining about my coworkers but being nice to me,, and I go to hand her a quarter back and she notices my hands are shaking. She's sharp amd present enough to notice my hands were shaking from me quickly handing her a small coin. And she commented on it, all sweet like "oh im sorry to have to put you in this position" (this position being,, outright asking me to report "my abusive coworkers" to management)

She just. She just legitimately manipulated every single interaction she had when she entered the store. And you know what? The first time this happened, the incident where she claimed she was so horrifically abused, which again did not happen? On that day, she had gone up to a manager and said something like

Oh my god wait. The very first thing she said to me was asking if I was a new manager. She was checking to see who I was and how nice I was and she specifically requested me by name to help her with her groceries. She was planning on using me from the very second she walked up to me. Jesus

But continuing that previous thought she deadass asked my manager "isn't there usually some sort of discount or compensation when there's been cases of abuse"

This woman is deliberately making us go outside to load her car where there aren't any cameras and she's trapping us into these horrible conversations where she's talking about how old and disabled she is and how abusive we are and threatening to report people to law enforcement and she's called corporate several times apparently, and the entire time, even as im giving her the 500% ass kissing best customer service treatment, she's still being unreasonable, basically being "my way or the highway"

At some point im trying to get her to empathize and I say something like "im so sorry someone made you feel scared like that. I can relate as someone with an anxiety disorder who has panic attacks and

She interrupts me. Interrupts me, with this, like, I don't even know, literally says "you don't have anxiety, that's just what happens when you work in a hostile work environment with abusive people" and was asking me personal questions about how my coworkers treat me

It's just. I'm so like fucking legitimately scared of her now honestly. She played the part of this helpless old woman but she deliberately did crafty manipulative things and at the end of the conversation she was saying "oh thank you for your help Miranda, bless you" and I get an idea and I say "and thank you, and im sorry I think I forgot to ask your name?" and she just smiles and says "bless you" again, and that's sketch as fuck, deliberately not wanting to tell me her name

But. Yeah uh. I'm just kind of shaken because she was really hammering home to me how she wanted to pursue some sort of charge against my coworker and I just. I worry about things like ADA law and how what if hypothetically "she wins" you know....

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zet-sway · 3 years

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@the-wip-project day 23:

Have you ever read a thing in a book or seen in a show/movie where you thought: "Oh, this is bad, I can do this so much better!" What was it?

YEAH it's called Thane's Death in Mass Effect 3.

The most fucking ruthless thing about Thane's Death is that no one acknowledges it. Like if you're going to kill a character, at least let the people close to them mourn. It's profoundly fucked up.

I've posted about this before but I can't express how betrayed I felt to see Garrus' standing by the memorial wall afterwards, fully expecting to hear him say anything at all about Thane. And then he says nothing. He talks about your Virmire survivor and whatever else. Idk what popular fanon of Garrus is like but I really don't believe he would be that oblivious. Garrus has endured enough loss to understand how exhausting it is. But all you get is a name on a wall.

It's bad, folks.

Like what the fuck. I wasn't expecting some mushy scene of heartfelt condolences, but since he's staring at the fucking memorial after a character dies, I expected some form of acknowledgement.

When Mordin dies, it's all anyone talks about. When Legion dies, everyone acknowledges his sacrifice. When Thane dies it's just silence. It hurts. Maybe they swept him under the rug because we already knew he was going to bite it, which is a piss poor excuse.

All it would have taken is for someone to stay, "I'm sorry about Thane, Commander."

The citadel memorial service is a nice touch but it's abundantly clear it's a reactionary addition, after the backlash from fans. I don't need to elaborate on why locking grief behind paid DLC is a problem. And when you choose the "I loved him" dialogue, your character actually says nothing of the fucking sort. Although I will admit it was a nice touch that the salarian counselor showed up. There's a lot to unpack there.

It's not Thane's fault that Kai Leng is a poorly written villain. The writers gave enough of a shit to give him a dignified death, saving the life of another, even if he absolutely kicked Leng's ass six ways to Sunday and then jumped on his sword like an idiot. The prayer by his bedside was beautiful even if I wish Shepard had the option of holding his hand. I actually think the animators struggled with gestures like hand holding, at least that's the impression I get when I watch the rigging throughout the game. There's a strong difference between motion captured scenes and everything else. Mocap is expensive, I get it, and the models don't have collision which makes it challenging to rig them in a believable way. But I still wish they'd made the effort. Like Thane's arms clipping into Shepards back during their kiss, likely due to technical limitations. It's imperfect but still has the desired impact. And now that I think about it, Thane's animation got a lot more budgetary attention in ME2.

Let me stop myself before I take this tangent off the fucking rails. ME3 is breathtaking in it's scope and care despite it's shortcomings, and now that I'm older and know more about how games are made I can better appreciate how much time and money went into it. I mean it when I say I fully believe the developers were not lazy when they made this game. They made some bad choices, but that's not the same as being lazy.

But if I had to ask for one thing to be done over, it would be the crew's reaction when Thane dies. Even if all that amounts to is "I heard Krios didn't make it."

EDIT: I'm actually shocked you don't get to keep Thane's memorial picture. For years I assumed you did. I was gutted when I learned it's only for the memorial ಠ_ಠ

#zet vs 100days #thane krios #yeah im going to casually pop this into the thane tag #i acknowledge that im not asking for enough #but im a person who deliberately asks for small things because i dont want to be a burden #even if i know the devs arent fucking reading my blog lmao

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nakedbibi333 · 3 years

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hi i havent asked u a question yet this is my first. imma try to list my questions and problems here u dont have to answer all ion wanna burn u out.

- how to not let past manifesting and attempting void state failures not get to u?

- summer i always thought i was very pretty. school start (more social anxiety too) and people call me ugly? i think im pretty tho?

- how do i know 100%

- i feel like i am relapsing sometimes i really dont want to. and when i work on self concept and mental diet i feel like im faking being positive. even when i cry my eyes out

For the void state failures, i want to let you guys know that a method holds no power. To completely rely on a method, thinking that that’s the only way to manifest is giving your power away. You are the only one who can give yourself your manifestations. Not by entering the void, not by scripting, not by drinking a glass of water you’ve spoken positive affirmations to, but by using your mind the way it was always meant to be used. By making manifestation a natural and normal part of your life. Because it it. You manifest every moment of your life. You just do it mostly unconsciously. But now you have the opportunity to do it deliberately. You can give yourself whatever you want because you know that you can now. And really, the only way to not let manifestation failures get to you is to build a feeling of persistence. Literally never give up on any manifestation if it means a lot to you. Even if it takes a long time because of your focus on your circumstances or limitations or limiting beliefs, it doesn’t matter. Those don’t stop manifestations or make them never come, they only may slow them down because your mind is trying to work through all those worries and making it so your manifestation is coming in the best way possible to you without all those things that make you anxious and nervous. But it always does that anyway, so you’re just making it double triple quadruple check and work on overdrive when it could just come to you in its perfect form instantly without all those worries. And its okay to feel frustrated and confused and doubtful when a manifestation doesn’t come when you wanted it to. It happens to the best of us. Just find a way to never give up on your manifestations and I can tell you from personal experience, they will come.

And to know 100% is a little difficult, because even I’m stuck in a human body and I have a human brain and sometimes I get my own doubts and worries. It’s more like trusting your subconscious mind (or the universe). The trust is a little different than knowing, because trusting gives a little bit of your power and responsibility to the part of you that truly knows all.

And I understand the feeling of being fake positive. It’s a lot to go from one extreme to another. Maybe you should start slower. Don’t go from something like (for example) hating your life immediately to I love my life because it’s hard to feel genuine when you feel so strongly the opposite. Start saying things more like my life’s getting better every day. My friends at school are nicer to me every day. My mental diet and self concept are getting better every day. So you don’t feel like you’re being fake. Its easier to believe in small, everyday progress than a complete 180 degree flip of your life.

I also think that “everyone is you pushed out” can be a little nuanced sometimes. It’s not always so straightforward like, if you think you’re pretty, then everyone else will, too. Even if you think you’re pretty, you may have an internal fear that people are judging you or that others don’t think you’re pretty. You may also just have an internal belief that others won’t reciprocate what you give yourself, like when you work on your self-concept, the people around you should treat you or begin to treat you as you are treating yourself, such as with kindness, compassion, and holding you to high regard. You did say that you had social anxiety, so maybe that manifested in that way, that you were worried people didn’t see you the way you saw yourself, or that you were worried they would judge you, or ridicule you for being yourself. Start to look into these beliefs and begin to flip them with affirmations.

Here are some affirmations you could possibly use for your situation:

It is becoming easier and easier for me to work on my self concept

I am doing so well on my mental diet

Everyone is getting nicer to me every day

Everyone has begun to tell me compliments every time I see them

I am getting better at manifesting every day

I am beginning to place my trust more and more on the law of assumption

Every day I start to believe more in the law of assumption

I have felt like the god of my reality lately

Remember you can always revise and change the actions of people around you. And you can always affirm for a good mental diet or self concept if getting into the details is too difficult. I hope my feedback helped!

#ask #advice

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novannna · 3 years

Text

You Were the Hands That Held Me

Danissa soulmate au. everyone has a soul mate, and any marking that appears on their skin, appears on yours. narcissa’s pov. Kinda angsty, but also fluffy.

tw: self harm, and mentions of abuse kinda

wc: 2363

Narcissa stared at her arm in awe. This was the first time her soulmate had ever drawn something on her skin. She had felt the same cuts and bruises her soulmate had received, just like everyone else, but this was the first time her soulmate had deliberately marked her own skin.

Messy butterflies with uneven wings, and twisted antennas marched down Narcissa’s forearm.

“Oh,” she whispered. “Cool.” She grabbed the nearest marked, and held it poised above the other arm, ready to reply, but thought better of it.

She shouldn’t force her soulmate to stop their art for Narcissa. She dropped the marker, and kept watching the thick lines as they covered her entire arm.

That night she washed it all away in scalding hot water before her grandfather noticed. He wouldn’t approve of Narcissa communicating with her soulmate.

He hated the idea of How there was one person in the world, waiting just for you.

His soulmate had died years ago, leaving him heartbroken and angry, bitter to the world.

If Narcissa wasn’t careful, he might take the anger out on her.

Narcissa could take it, but she didn’t want to hurt her soulmate too. Narcissa would feel awful.

So she tried to ignore the small flowers and butterflies her soulmate drew constantly. Narcissa tried her very best.

---

Years later, Narcissa wrote to her soulmate for the first time. It was in the middle of the night, when Narcissa had felt a searing pain across her arm that looked like a red slit across her pale skin.

Her soulmate was in trouble. She couldn’t just stand by now. Narcissa had to do something.

Grabbing a tissue to staunch the bleeding, Narcissa scrawled across her hand in thick ink.

STOP

I can’t , her soulmate replied.

Please, just hear me out, Narcissa wrote, hoping she could do enough. Hoping she could convince the person who had drawn butterflies everywhere on their body, that maybe the world really did want them.

please, just stay out of this

I can’t. This is my body too. And even though I’ve never met you, you're my soulmate and I care about you.

Fine. I’ll listen. Her soulmate's handwriting was a little shaky, but very neat, with tall, loopy letters.

I’m guessing you’ve been having a hard time with life recently, Narcissa started.

I guess

Do you want to be here? Narcissa asked bluntly

There was a long pause. I don’t know, her soulmate finally responded. I love Earth, but the people…. I can’t stand the people. All they do is bring hate and hurt to me

I get that. But the people don’t matter. You do. Danna wrote desperately.

No I don’t. I’ve never done a single good thing in my life

You have! You’ve made me smile! You’ve made me laugh!

Her soulmate replied, When? This is the first time I’ve ever talked to you

When we were younger, you used to constantly doodle little flowers and butterflies all across our bodies. I loved to watch you draw them, watch the blocky little lines appear across my body. Danna smiled as she recalled the delicate insects she wore across her body daily.

I thought you hated those. That’s why I stopped

No, of course not!

Then why did you erase them?

Narcissa sighed. She thought for a second, then wrote, my grandfather. He hates soulmates. If he knew I was communicating with mine, I’m afraid he would hurt me. And doing that would hurt you.

But… that means you could get in trouble right now!

No. I won’t, I’m fine. You are more important. Tell me, what made you want to hurt yourself today?

I guess I’m just tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being treated like a child. I want to leave my house, but I can’t. I can’t live on my own.

Thats okay, you shouldn’t be ignored. You should be your own person, and if your parents cant see that, they’re idiots!!

Narcissa capped the pen, and tried to wrap her blanket around her arm, the blood slowly soaked through the fabric, staining the blanket a bright red. How would she explain that to her grandfather? It didn’t matter right now though. Right now, she had to make sure her soulmate was okay. That was her one and only goal. Nothing else mattered. Narcissa had the opportunity to maybe save a life right now. That’s what she had to do.

They aren’t. I’m the one who’s screwing up, her soulmate replied. I cant ever get anything right. Im just a big mistake that shouldn't even exist. The worlds probably better without me

THATS NOT FUCKING TRUE! Narcissa scrawled as quickly as she could. I dont believe it. Not for a second. Just by being here, you’ve made the world a better place. Everyday, I wake up and check my body for some indicator that you’re here. I can’t help but think about the fact that there is someone out there meant for me. And I’m meant for someone.

I guess…

Narcissa sighed heavily. She had to go to bed before her grandfather woke and saw her light on.

Are you okay? She wrote. Are you in any danger? If you are, im here. For both of us

A minute passed before the reply came. I dont think so. I think im better. But… if i feel bad again, can i talk to u? This actually really helped me. Thank you

Narcissa smiled. Of course!!! Just, could u write somewhere less obvious?

Sure. I understand.

Narcissa smiled gratefully. How ‘bout our ankles? That’s less obvious and easy for me to hide

She felt pressure on her right foot, and slid it out from beneath her blanket. A smile, and little butterfly doodle greeted her eyes.

Good night, soulmate, Narcissa wrote

Good night. Sleep tight. And… thank you.

Narcissa smiled. She slid out of bed, and held her arm close to her chest while creeping to the bathroom. Once inside, she scrubbed all of the ink off her skin, and bandaged the red slit shut.

Narcissa and her soulmate were okay. That was all that mattered. Everything was alright. At least for now. But now was the only thing Narcissa could bear to think about.

---

After that one night, Narcissa’s soulmate never hurt themselves like that again. But that didn’t mean they weren’t hurting. Narcissa could tell they were hurting themselves in other ways.

She tried to help. She wrote reminders every few hours, telling her soulmate to eat, and drink water. She wrote encouraging messages, and doodled across their skin.

But still, Narcissa would feel her stomach growl with hunger, and her tongue beg for more water. She felt her eyes grow heavy even though she had slept almost 10 hours the night before. Her soulmate just didn’t care, and there was nothing Narcissa could do.

They would talk to each other constantly, ranting about their day, or commenting about something they saw. Narcissa grew much closer to the person she had never even seen the face of. Closer to them then anyone else she had ever known.

Even her grandfather.

Narcissa had a very strained relationship with her grandfather. She knew deep down he loved her, but he had a hard time showing it. He was caught in a life of crime, and there was no way out.

He had been an arms dealer for years, selling guns and other weapons on the black market. He made a lot of money, but not a lot of friends. He was a bitter old man, who took all of his anger out on Narcissa. He had never hit her, but his words were hard enough.

Narcissa knew she was being abused, and belittled, and manipulated, but she always ended up excusing his actions. Or even worse, sometimes she would place the blame on herself. She knew she was in a bad situation, but it was one she was stuck in.

Narcissa talked about him lots with her soulmate. It turned out, they had a similar situation with their parents.

Mistreated, abused, bullied, shamed.

The two escaped into their skin, engrossed with each other. They held each other right through the pain and the tears. Though at times, both of them desperately wanted to, they held strong and never hurried themselves for fear of hurting the other.

---

One day, the straw finally snapped for Narcissa. She was 17 now, and old enough to live her own life. Old enough to understand what her grandfather gave her wasn’t love, it was trauma.

After he yelled at her for an hour straight because she put a book in the wrong bookshelf, Narcissa decided she had taken enough.

Can we go? She desperately scrawled across her ankle. Can we escape these sorry excuses for lives?

Her soulmate wrote back a few minutes later. What do you mean?

We’re old enough to live on our own. Why are we forcing ourselves to live with these people who treat us so terribly. Why don’t we just run away together?

Ok. The reply shocked Narcissa. She had been expecting them to try and convince her otherwise, make her see the absurdity. Not agree. But Narcissa was glad they agreed. They both deserved a chance to start over. To make a life for themselves, and do it right.

You will?

With you? Of course I will silly. I’ve been waiting years for me to ask

When? When can we leave?

Whenever your ready

A week, Narcissa declared, I’ll meet you in a week at Gatlon City, at the train station

Ok. I’ll be there, I promise, her soulmate wrote.

Me too. Narcissa grinned. She was finally escaping. Finally starting fresh. Finally leaving her grandfather to be with someone who truly cared. Narcissa couldn’t wait.

---

Narcissa creaked the door open, cringing as the hinges squealed loudly.

“Just where do you think you’re going?” Her grandfather slurred from the couch.

Shitshitshitshit, Narcissa though. She was caught. She was never going to escape her life.

“I told you earlier this week I’m going to a friends house tonight,” Narcissa said lightly, trying to mask her terror.

“Stop lying!” He screamed. “I know that’s not true, you don’t have any friends.”

Narcissa cringed.

She breathed in deeply. She was already leaving forever, there was no point in lying anymore.

“Fine I’m leaving. For good.” She braced herself for the rage.

Instead, he laughed. “You? You're leaving?” He scoffed. “You would never. You’re too scared and dependent on me.”

Narcissa drew herself up. “No. You’re wrong. I’m leaving, to find my soulmate. We’re making our own life. Together.”

He gaped at her. “You can’t! You can’t go to your soulmate,” he spat. “You’ll live a terrible life. You’ll be tied down forever.”

Narcissa shook her head. “No. I won’t. I’ll live the best life I can. Because I’ll be happy. I won’t live in fear anymore. I’m sorry you weren’t meant for your soulmate, but it’s different for me. I know them. We are meant for each other. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. All you know is hate.”

“So you’re really going?” Her grandfather’s lip curled up.

Narrcissa nodded. “I am. I’m making my own life, as far away from here as possible.”

“Then go!” He snarled. “I don’t want you in my house if you won’t see a reason. Go.” He picked a book sitting next to him, and hurled it at Narcissa’s head.

She ducked, her hair ruffling by the wind.

She turned to him, tears in her eyes. “Goodbye grandfather. I’m sorry.” She threw open the door, and fled into the night.

---

Narcissa’s heart thudded in her ears. This was it. This was the day she was going to meet her soulmate. She knew she should be realistic, but Narcissa couldn’t help imagining the meeting like something out of the sappy romance novels she liked to read.

She expected the dreary clouds to disappear, and the sun to shine out on top of them.

She expected to know exactly who was her other half

She expected to run up, into their arms, and kiss them like she had wanted to be kissed her entire life.

But Narcissa knew how unlikely it was. But, a girl could hope, couldn’t she?

She inhaled deeply. Uncapping the pen with her teeth, she scrawled on her palm, I’m here

Me too, her soulmate wrote back. The familiar loopy red marks eased Narcissa. She knew this person. This was her soulmate. Everything was going to be okay. It would all be okay.

Her eyes locked onto a girl standing near a bench, her head bent over her hand, a pen tucked behind her ear.

Somehow, Narcissa knew. She knew this was the person she had been searching for her whole life. She knew that the girl was her soulmate.

Summoning every miniscule scrap of courage Narcissa could find, she approached the girl.

She tapped her shoulder. “Hi,” Narcissa breathed, heart pounding. “I’m Narcissa. I think I’m your-”

She was interrupted by the girl throwing her arms around her tightly.

“I’ve waited so long to meet you,” Narcissa’s soulmate said roughly, her voice thick with tears. “I’m Danna.”

Narcissa laughed. She realized she was crying. “Me too.”

“I feel like I already know everything about you,” Danna laughed. She swiped her eyes.

Narcissa nodded. “I know we’re soulmates, but I want you to know I understand if you don’t want me,” she said. “I get it- not all soulmates are really soulmates.”

She was cut off by Danna pressing her lips to hers. “I want you,” Danna breathed. “You're the one who I’ve trusted with every secret I’ve ever held. You’re the one who helped me when no one else could. You’re the one who took care of me.” Danna held their hands up, exposing the thick identical scars that spread across their wrists. “You are the only other person in the world who understood, and actually helped me. You were the hands that held me.” Danna reached her hand to Narcissa’s face, wiping away her tears. “I want you, and no one else.”

“Me too,” Narcissa whispered. “Me too.”

Tag list: @novissa @thepurpledragon4444 @phobidawg @janisarkisian @rvbell @lavenderbloo @redassassin (let me know if you want to be added/taken off!!!)

#danissa #danna bell #narcissa cronin #wlwrenegades #renegades au #Renegades #supernova #archenemies #tw self harm #self harm tw #self harm #tw abuse #tw mentions of abuse #abuse tw #reblogs>>>likes

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solasan · 4 years

Text

otp tag.

tagged by @masonsfreckles and @impossible-rat-babies and like definitely also someone else but my activity is super clogged up so i cant find who I’m Sorry 🥺 but thank u remus and owen mwah tagging: @denerims @arlathen @lvllns @trvelyans @lavellane @chuckhansen @rosebarsoap @cheydinhaal @darksprawn @deepspeech @yennefre and anyone else who wants to do it tbh

DISAGREEMENTS.

who is more likely to raise their voice?

i mean both, probably? they’re both very passionate people

who threatens to leave but never actually does?

i’ll hesitantly say june but i dont think they’d reach that point

who actually keeps their word and leaves?

neither lmao

who trashes the house?

in day-to-day life, june; she’s very messy. in fights? neither bcos that’s messed up. the Most that’ll happen is adam cracking a piece of furniture in his fist by accident

do either of them get physical?

uhhh they’ll spar from time to time, but outside of that, never

how often do they argue/disagree?

in the beginning?? all the fucking time. every day. they butt heads like they were made to do it. further in, they argue much less, especially once june’s proved adam’s whole “humans are weak!!!” thing wrong

who is the first to apologize?

adam gets bullied into it by nate sometimes. june won’t apologise unless she’s absolutely certain she’s in the wrong, but it does happen. so i guess it depends on the argument

SEX.

who is on top? who is on bottom?

i hate applying the top/bottom thing to m/f ships but adam’s A Top i guess. june is 100% a bottom. but when it comes to actual positioning they’ll change; adam likes missionary a lot, but june likes sitting in his lap and riding him, so

any kinks?

adam is lowkey lowkey very lowkey into orgasm control/denial im calling it. he just likes taking control, but not in an explicit bdsm sense??? june’s into dirty talk and does have a praise kink. she has to coax adam into talking in the beginning but when he gets into the swing of things he loves it

june used to be into getting tied up, but the whole murphy situation kinda fucked that for her

who has the strangest desires?

june probably wins this just purely based on the fact that she wants adam to bite her lmao. he would find that strange. but he would also be into it so

who’s dominant in bed?

adam !!! again not in the traditional like bdsm dominant sense but he takes charge of things

is head ever in the equation?

uhhh, yeah ??? all the time

if so, who is better at performing it?

look. june is very good. she is. but adam has 900 years on her and also more enthusiasm / touch starvation / desperation. adam is a pussy eating KING

ever had sex in public?

the most public they’ve gotten is fucking in the tech lab at the warehouse, that’s it

who moans the most?

both moan, but june’s louder. she’s freer ??? with it ??? but adam grunts and gasps and pants a lot, and when he’s abt to come he’ll groan out her name or a french curse so

who leaves the most marks?

june’s the one that goes out of her way to make marks, just bcos shes a lil sad they fade so quickly. adam leaves the most just bcos june doesn’t heal in the same way

who is the more experienced of the two?

adam might be 900 years old but we all know he’s not had many relationships. june’s more experienced bcos she has one-night stands in college before her and bobby got together

do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?

im so sorry but if u look at adam du mortain and think that he doesn’t make love 99% of the time, ur wrong. but sometimes they do get super passionate / desperate for each other, and then they’ll fuck

how long do they usually last?

in the beginning adam lasts like 2 seconds, no joke. that man sees even a hint of june’s coochie and he busts a nut. but further in he can last longer. unless june is being a shit and deliberately trying to get him to come, which she does do

rough or soft?

soft for the most part. if it ever is rough it’s like..... more bcos it’s intense, passionate, less bcos either of them is trying to make it rough. june has some sexual trauma too so really rough sex, like w choking for example, is out of the question (not that i think adam is into choking anyway)

is protection used?

it should be, and when they remember to they do use it. but also they forget a lot shdkshdkd does june look like the type of person to get pregnant on purpose??

does it ever get boring?

nah they keep it fresh. plus they love each other so much it’s just always so good to have each other ???? like after So Long Pining it’s just good idk bro shdjsjdk

where is the strangest place they’d have sex?

idk probably the tech lab like i said above ??? i dont think they fuck in many weird places — not bcos i dont think june would be into it, but more bcos i figure if they ever start getting freaky adam gets them into a bed / somewhere private STAT

FAMILY.

do they plan on having children / do they have children?

yeah they vaguely want them in the future i guess. adam thinks abt june having his baby and has to lie down he 🥺 so hard

if so, how many children do they want/have?

their first kid — emma — is an accident born like a year after they get married, and then oliver comes along a year after that because june always said she didn’t want only one kid. she remembered how lonely she was as a kid :(((

AFFECTION.

who likes to cuddle?

both of them !!! adam is touch-starved and june is starved for affection !!! they cuddle all the time

who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?

june 100% no question. WHORE. adam is so done with her but he does always drag her off somewhere to Ravish her so rly who’s winning here

who struggles to keep their hands to themself?

shdkshdkskd both of them. june slightly more so tho

how long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?

uhhh i dont think it’s rly a matter of one getting uncomfortable, bcos they do love it. probably it’s just as long as they can hold out before 1) june has to pee, or 2) adam resolves to be productive

what is their favourite non-sexual activity?

adam would never admit it but he loves watching movies with june purely bcos she gets so cuddly and ALSO she gets so into them. she’s the type of person to yell at the screen and ask questions all the time. sometimes they’ll compete to see who can work out the plot / twist / mystery of a film first

where is their favourite place to cuddle?

in bed !!!!! adam loves having her whole body pressed up against him, all small and soft and smelling like june, and june loves how he tucks her into his chest and makes her feel so safe and warm

SLEEPING.

who snores?

ahskhkdja june !!!

if both do, who snores the loudest?

adam doesn’t snore so june. but she doesn’t do it that loudly

do they share a bed or sleep separately?

they share a bed !!!! it’s adam’s way of making sure june does actually go to bed, for one, but also he doesn’t like to sleep without her

if they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?

cozy up together !!!!! adam’ll kiss her hair and tuck her head under his chin, and june’ll wrap her arms around his torso and kiss the hollow of his throat

what do they wear to bed?

june wears raggedy old band tees or oversized hoodies, boxer shorts, lots of comfy clothes. flannel pyjama trousers. sometimes she’ll sleep in adam’s shirts bcos they smell like him and she likes that, but when she does sleep in adam’s shirts they uhhh haha dont sleep for a while ;)))

are either of them insomniacs?

june is !!! i think around book 4, maybe 5, someone’s gonna talk her into seeing someone abt it — because she really doesn’t sleep a healthy amount, i’m talking 5-8 hours a week — and she’ll start taking sleeping pills, but for now she just drinks a fuckload of coffee and keeps herself busy.

adam’s not rly an insomniac per se, but he doesn’t sleep as much as humans do, obviously

can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?

later in the series, yeah. i could see her being put on quetiapine bcos that’s what im on and that shit works

do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?

wrap their limbs around each other !!!! june’s like a cuddly octopus shdksjdl but adam loves it, honestly. he’ll often wrap his arms around her and put on of his hands up her shirt, over her spine, so he can have some nice skin-on-skin contact. yknow....... as a treat

who wakes up with bed hair?

both !!!! june’s is probably a bit worse bcos it’s longer ????

who wakes up first?

eh, depends. i’d say adam, bcos he’s More Responsible, but june really doesn’t sleep much, so it could go either way

who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?

neither ??? june doesn’t cook and adam’s not a good cook

what is their favourite sleeping position?

either adam on his back with june tucked into his chest, his arms around her, or both of them on their sides and adam spooning june. they love em !!!!

do they set an alarm each night?

they do. june has broken multiple alarm clocks, tho, so make of that what u will

who has nightmares?

both :((( june’s are more frequent, i think

can a television be found in their bedroom?

nah. adam wouldn’t want one, and june watches everything on her laptop

who has ridiculous dreams?

probably june. she’ll sleepily recount them to adam the next morning in bed and he’ll either hm? into her neck to show he’s listening or huff a laugh against her skin

who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed?

june. adam has learned to accept this fact about her. usually he’ll just position her so that they’re both comfier when she does it, but he has been woken by her elbowing his side before

who makes the bed?

adam. june cba with that shit. she’s just gonna get back in it anyways !!!!

what time is bed time?

adam pushes june to go to bed by 11. sorry u gotta take care of ur stupid energiser bunny girlfriend, buddy

any routines/rituals before bed?

eh nothing in particular i dont think ??? nothing out of the standard brush teeth / clean face / get into pjs thing anyway

who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?

june is the GRUMPIEST. she’s not a morning person in the slightest

WORK.

who is the busiest?

hmmmmm. they’re both probably equally busy ??? i mean adam’s the head of the unit so he probs has work he has to do, but then june’s basically the head of the department bcos the captain’s never around, so she has a lot of work. and she has to balance that work with the agency. maybe june’s slightly busier ???

who rakes in the highest income?

eh they’re probs around the same ???

are any of them unemployed?

nope

who takes the most sick days?

june bcos adam doesn’t get sick. also sometimes she just wants A Personal Day and / or is hungover

what are their jobs?

he’s a commanding agent, she’s a liaison and also police detective

who sucks up to their boss?

haha adam’s technically june’s boss and she loves to suck badum tss

who is more likely to turn up late to work?

june shdjshdk girl is Bad at time management. sometimes tho they’ll both be late bcos a morning fuck went on too long. june is very smug on these days

who stresses the most?

uhhh both stress a lot ?? june has anxiety. but adam also is constantly on edge so ????

do they enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?

yeah they enjoy them i guess. adam definitely enjoys his. june is..... complicated. she doesn’t trust the agency and she doesn’t rly wanna be a cop, but she doesn’t know what else she could do so ???

are they financially stable?

yeah for the most part. the agency has good salaries

HOME.

who does the washing?

i think maybe june does it more often just bcos as a human she....... probably ???? goes through more clothes ??? that makes sense to me ??? idk hsdk

who takes out the trash?

adam, usually. especially if it’s dark; june ain’t going nowhere at night

who does the ironing?

again, adam. just bcos he’s more likely to have clothes that need ironing. june has never touched an iron in her life

who does the cooking?

i mean june is notorious for not cooking but rather ordering takeout, so...... i mean i dont think adam is a bad cook but he can rly only cook rly bland, simple meals, and he obviously doesnt need to eat so. i guess if it’s one of them it’s june

who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?

yeah june sdhskdhksdk she just has a very short attention span bro idk what to tell u

who is messier?

yep june no question. adam’s a lil bit of a neat freak im calling it

who leaves the toilet roll empty?

neither

who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?

yeah june. sometimes adam if he’s had a long day tho. or like if theyre getting Freaky and leaving clothes everywhere. but in general, june’s more likely

who forgets to flush the toilet?

ew gross people do that ?? neither

who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?

june shdjjsjdk

who answers the telephone?

uhh both ig ?? but they don’t have like a landline or anything they only have their cells

who mows the lawn?

adam, but only once they’ve moved out of june’s apartment after having the kids. june’s got a black thumb bro she’s not allowed near the garden on nate’s orders

who does the vacuuming?

both !!! they take turns

who does the groceries?

june 100% and she always ends up getting shit that wasn’t on the list shdjskdk. sometimes they’ll do it together tho

who takes the longest to shower?

uhhhh i mean. i think they shower together quite a lot so ???? both ???

who spends the most time in the bathroom?

like getting ready ???? uhh depends. if june’s doing makeup, her, but she doesn’t do it often

MISCELLANEOUS.

is money a problem?

nahhh the agency pays them well

how many cars do they own?

originally only june’s shitty little hatchback, but when the kids are born they get a second one. probably it is very pretty and fancy and expensive, because adam

what’s their song?

either dermot kennedy’s power over me, or fortress by bear’s den. like, seriously, look up the lyrics; they’re the ULTIMATE adamjune songs

do they live in the city or in the country?

does wayhaven count as a city, even if it’s like... a small town ??? idk

do they own their home or do they rent?

june’s renting her apartment currently, but when ollie and emma are born, they buy a place at the edge of town

do they enjoy their surroundings?

eh. neither of them are especially fond of wayhaven, but i think maybe it grows on them over time ??? june definitely in her current point in canon is only there bcos she doesn’t know where else to go

what do they do when they’re away from each other?

Yearn like fools. they miss each other shdjshdk they’ll call each other if adam is ever sent out on an assignment away from town or june has to take some kinda business trip. theyre always super happy to be reunited

where did they first meet?

at an abandoned warehouse in book 1. june shot him. it was great

who spends the most money when out shopping?

uhhhhhh bro i genuinely don’t know ??? adam and june both have terrible taste in clothes; he walks around in cargo pants half the time and she’s never not in something oversized and baggy and possibly falling apart ???

ig june spends a lot on technology ??? and on food ????

who’s more likely to flash their assets?

ok i mean adam has already in canon gotten shirtless and flashed his assets at june while convinced he feels nothing for her so. him. he’s a show-off we all know this

any mental issues?

yeah lmao. june already had ptsd before canon from being assaulted in college, and now it’s just worse bcos of everything with murphy and shit. she also has depression, because obviously, and anxiety. also adhd if that counts ??? it probably counts

i think adam’s got some ptsd too from that Terrible Fiery Scene Of Death we saw in the mirror from his past, and probably that’s compounded by experiences since he became a vampire too ??? possibly some depression as well just bcos i’m now considering his whole ‘numb for years’ thing and how that overlaps with depression ?? :/// idk

who finds it amusing when the other trips over?

adam doesn’t trip often but when he does june howls with laughter. usually if he’s tripping it’s bcos she’s done something Very Distracting. one time she took her shirt off in their living room when he wasnt expecting it and he walked into a wall

when june trips (which she often does) adam will sorta snort very quietly or his lips will twitch but he’ll always stabilise her quickly

who’s terrified of bugs?

yep june 100%

who kills the spiders around the house?

shsjdhskdjk ADAM. “june, it’s just an insect.” “um, untrue, it’s an arachnid, those are different fucking things—” “it’s miniscule. even more so than you are.” “okay, ha, ha, very funny, please kill it, adam i’m serious, kill it, it has eight legs, it’s waiting to murder me, fucking kill it!” “i’m killing it, calm down.”

do they have any fears for their future?

yeah. june’s worried she’s gonna get totally murdered lmao bcos odds are someone’s gonna try again. adam is also terrified abt this distinct possibility. he’s also scared that, like... she’ll live ??? as in ??? she won’t ever turn, she’ll stay mortal her whole life, and after waiting 900 years for her, he’ll only get a few decades with her before she dies.

that’s like not gonna happen she absolutely becomes a vampire after emma and ollie are born but still. he’s dramatic

their favourite place?

the warehouse, probably ??? it’s safe and secure and it’s comfortable ??? or else june’s apartment. i think june prefers her apartment just slightly

who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?

adam ??? but it’s more likely that they’d go out to a fancy dinner, rather than him cook one

who pays the bills?

they split them

who’s the tallest?

sndjhskdjkd adam. june hates and loves this fact in equal measure. adam is very smug abt how teeny tiny his girlfriend is shdkshdk he finds it very funny. also very sweet he loves it

who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?

both, honestly. theyre bad at keeping their hands off each other once they’re together. maybe june is ever so slightly more likely ?? idk

who wanders around in their underwear?

both. adam likes to distract june w his abs bro what can i say. june just is most comfortable walking around in a sports bra and briefs

who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?

june !!! and she’ll lean into his face and sing right at him with this big dumb grin too. adam will refuse to make eye contact but he’ll have this tiny lil smile on his face

what do they tease each other about?

everything. june roasts adam on the daily. adam will very dryly retort back every time. they were made for each other im telling u.

june will sometimes bring up his whole humans are weak thing at the most ridiculous times. like, adam tries to get her to get out of bed in the morning and she’ll groan and start lamenting how weak and fragile she is, she couldn’t possibly get out of bed in this state, adam, i have glass bones and paper skin, don’t u love me ????

adam’s teasing is just dryly taking the piss out of dumb shit she says. she’ll talk abt a fight she had with someone and say she went “wa-pow!” when she hit them and he’ll just deadpan repeat, “wa-pow.” his face totally straight. i wuv themm

who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?

i mean neither they both have bad fashion taste. but also june hates the fucking cargo pants bruh

who crushed first?

adam did shdkshdk even if he didn’t realise. june didn’t figure out she liked him until the time between book 1 and book 2, because she missed him and she couldn’t figure out why

any alcohol or substance related problems?

uhhh no not rly. june has a history of using recreational drugs but that was in college and she doesn’t touch most of that shit these days

who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?

june probably shdjshdk she’ll have a girl’s night with farah, morgan, and tina, and just come home absolutely fucking twatted. adam always tucks her in

who swears the most?

yeah june. she swears in every other word. the first time she made adam curse is burned into her brain seriously she takes such pride in it

#bruh this meme is so fucking long i gotta go lie down ashsjdghjsjdk #as always im sorry if i forgot someone !!!! i do that a lot #pls do it anyway and say i tagged u #tag games #ch: june lovelace

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wormssss · 4 years

Text

so. basically. tl;dr i ffuucking hate school it sucks and it doesnt. do ANYTHING but make things worse . anyway.

the schooling system like. it sucks for me specifically in a few ways idk abt anyone else. for starters; neurodivergency literally at all makes it so hard to function in a classroom environment. its so loud? idk if anyone else gets that in their classrooms but you can hear my class of 23~ from the bottom floor of the 3 story building and that’s considered quiet. as well as like, i cannot function in a classroom without my friends? im out at school and like.... everyones.. transphobic obv why wouldnt they be, and its not in like a..any avoidable way. if i sit with the guys they’ll refuse to talk to me and deadname me all period adn if i sit with the girls theyll laugh at me every time i fucking breathe idk, but the school still thinks putting me in a classroom with kids that visibly hate me and see me as a CRINGE ENTERTAINMENT IRONY MACHINE is like a good idea? and a good way for me to make friends? i dont know if its my luck or if they’re deliberately doing it, but, next term for example i have drama and cooking as classes. two of my friends also have cooking ....but they dont have me in their class. they’re together. but im not in their class. im on my own because other than them and the girl who already did cooking these past two terms (so she cant do it next term) i have.... no other friends. so im definitely in a class of complete strangers! and the way they have this school, you have no choice but to work with someone else in a cooking class...... you are paired with someone in the same mini kitchen and its a disaster but i digress.

also, like. school goes for 6 hours. by the time you get home and get changed and get settled, its sunset so you can’t go out and do anything. you can’t go to the park or climb a tree. youre stuck inside. your family is like groggy from work or whatever and doesnt want to talk to you. you have no energy to get online and talk to your friends online. or theyre asleep. so basically at least for me i get... no time to actually talk to my friends, for example i havent had an actual conversation with piper in like... two months i swear. we’ve forgotten how to talk to eachother and that actually goes with all of my friends. by the weekend we’re still awkward because we havent spoken in months so we can’t really even talk. and because of this rigid like, routine you have to have to actually be able to go to school at all (wake up 7. eat. get dressed. go to school. come home. get changed. eat. shower. go to bed. repeat), i actually like.... find myself. forgetting Everything. i dont know what it is about strict routine where i cannot be myself (my school has a strict and ugly uniform), but it makes me ... completely forget everything slowly and my memory decays. my time blindness gets worse to the point where i dont know what month it is on a regular basis and like... i ditch a lot? because of this? maybe if the schedule didnt make me dissociate and forget everything i wouldnt ditch constantly and like. actually go to school. but like my attendance is... im not at school 25% of the time because i physically cannot go every single day and attend to that rigid and exact cycle that doesnt even teach me anything

doesnt even teach me anything? i dont ... learn anything from school. they like. reteach the same meaningless part of a subject every single year. every year in religious studies in october i learn about the rosary and we spend a lot of the period praying the rosary and i like. ok. cool. its a religious school yeah but what am i actually learning from this. and every year in social studies we learn abt the waitangi treaty but the way they teach it is so whitewashed and utopian and its fucked and they teach it the same way every year around the same time. and anzac day. and in math im not going to use any of those skills you teach me, i dont care about algebra or anything because thats not really going to actually help me in my life im an artist for fucks sake teach me about managing my own finances! teach me how to do taxes! teach me how to function in the society i live in! teach me the important things that ill sink under or die without knowing i want to actually know important things but by cramming so many unimportant things in my brain all the time i forget the actual important things, i fucking failed basic addition and subtraction last year, i’ve forgotten division and multiplication past the 10 times table, but i can vaguely read an algebra equasion BUT FUCKING ALGEBRA EQUASIONS WILL NEVER UFCKING GET ME ANYWJERE!!!!! and it makes me so fucking angry i want to learn and function and KNOW

and the way they tightly bundle everyone to being one conforming individual who dresses like everyone else, is at the same intelligence level as everyone else, is a catholic like everyone else, does not question authority as everyone else or does not question themselves like everyone else or think like anyone else OR BE DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE makes me want to FUCKING THROW UP. there are so many hopes and dreams that i remember watching from primary school to now sink into a hopeless pit of stereotypes and basic conformity, people who used to be nice are suffocated into being horrible people so that theyre liked by their peers or get anny attention from the school at all, guys who used to respect women (god forbid) suddenly becoming horrible to anyone of any slightly different gender identity but you can actually see on their face how weird it is to them, waves of 11-14 year olds getting nose studs that get infected and they’re forced to have them taken out by the school, kids trying to do their makeup to look like SOMEONE to BE AT ALL DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE are put right back in their place and told to take it all off and their parents are called and if youre caught with the wrong jacket your parents are called and youre told youre too poor to wear what the school provides yet THEY DONT EVEN LET YOU WEAR WHAT THE SCHOOL PROVIDES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 70 DOLLAR HOODIE FOR WHEN YOU WONT LET ME WEAR IT WHILE IM SHIVERING I DONT SEE THE POINT OF ENFORCING SUCH TIGHT POINTLESS SMALL BOUNDARIES OF WHAT A PERSON CAN BE WHY IS IT SO LIMITED? are we not allowed to do anything? you cant even have one strip of hair dye yet a teacher can have a full head of bright purple hair what’s that about? you can have antisemetic pins on your senior year blazer jacket but the second you put a pride pin on there youre called to the principals office and asked why youre promoting this to kids

you try a speech on trans rights and they dont even pass you and pretend its because you got over the time limit but you didnt, you timed it yourself for your friends you didnt get over the time limit and you know it but you didnt even place in fourth you placed last out of 6 or 8 and you wonder why that is because every year in the past you soared into first so whats that about???? in my speech i said be yourself and dont be afraid to experiment with your gender lightly and they told me to take it out because its seen as too much and i said what the fuck? that’s the most important part of my speech, i want to promote acceptance in others and the self and they said take it out or you cant present your speech. they actively suffocate any sort of self expression or nonconformity of any sort you have to be a plain cookiecutter boy or girl and thats it you cannot be anything else, for nearly 6 months theyve fought me and my mom about my hair but if anyones being hurt by it its me because it draws more attention to the kid you can call slurs, are you hurt because im actually expressing myself? are you hurt by my little sharp stud earrings and my industrial piercing and the embroidered cuff on my shirt? are you offended by the heart on my belt or the platforms on my school shoes because the last time i checked none of these were illegal things to have at school

this kind of got a lot angrier than i meant to make it but ive been . really angry abt this for the past year idk. i really just wanted to write this because i ahvent spoken to piper properly in months and the way we talk now seems like when we just met but i cannot carry a conversation anymore because school knocked the wind out of me all over again and the sudden inability to talk to any of my friends online makes me want to scream until my lungs give out im so tired

#wormy yelling #long post /#negative /#serious /#emeto /#ask to tag #delete later

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maerveil · 4 years

Text

50 Questions You Have Never Been Asked

i was tagged by @loverofelves :3c thank u <3

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

black, nothing special, my mom got it from a dollar store for me bc my old one was literally falling apart but i refused to replace it

2. A food you never eat?

the only thing i can think of that i would probably not eat even if that meant it gets thrown away is steak, or any cut of red meat. i have a lot of trouble swallowing it for some reason. most other foods i hate i would still rather eat than waste them

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

theres no really comfortable temperature for me i think. im always either too warm or too cold. but since i spend most time in my bedroom which only gets sunlight for about 4 hours a day, im usually too cold

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

painting with watercolours and listening to music

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

i avoid sweets so i dont really know the different breeds of candy bar

6. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

ive participated in a few swimming tournaments when i was younger and a friend dragged me to see an ice hockey match a few years ago

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

'hey’ at my cats because they were climbing my shelf....

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

not really a flavour, but strawberry sundae, with real strawberries and white chocolate... theres nothing quite like it

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

tap water

10. Do you like your wallet?

its a huge black leather wallet. i wanted one like this really bad when i was like 14 yrs old, now i kinda think its too big. but i like that it has space for all kinds of clutter like cards and pictures... i want to say i feel neutral about it but considering how long ive had it im probably at least a little attached

11. What was the last thing you ate?

a small bowl of plain oats with milk for breakfast

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

no... im saving my money for useless things rn!

13. The last sporting event you watched?

im really not into sports so whenever i watch sports it i dont do so deliberately. uhm. i think biathlon was on tv one time a few months ago when i visited my dad

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

i like it when its sweet but not so much that your fingers get terribly sticky from it

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

my dad probably

16. Ever go camping?

yea i went camping w my dad a lot when i was younger, almost every summer for 8 years. im mentioning my dad a lot here. we are not as close as one might think

17. Do you take vitamins?

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

no im too pretty

19. Do you have a tan?

no, but my right arm is a bit red from sitting on my balcony too long yesterday

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

depends entirely on my mood, i dont have a general preference

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

only when i want to act like a slut which is never

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

i usually wear black tights

23. Ever drive above the speed limit?

I CANT DRIVE AND I NEVER WILL and if you drive above the speed limit thats +5 on your sin counter. i will know

24. What terrifies you?

those scary creepypasta images, communication, and anything unpredictable. also the possibility that jjba part 7 will be animated entirely in cgi

25. Look to your left what do you see?

a manga panel of dio i traced and taped to my wall, a bunch of jjba prints, and a tiny sticker of diego

26. What core do you hate?

if this is about music... i actually dont even want to spell out the name of that genre, thats how disgusting it is. its got to do with anime

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

that time in like, 7th grade, where english class was mostly about learning australian vocabulary

28. What is your favorite soda?

i dont drink soda im so scared of the liquid sugar but like cherry or vanilla coke probably

29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

i dont ever go to fast food places, but if i did id hit the drive thru. inside its too loud and i hate when people can watch me eat

30. Who was the last person you talked to?

in person... my dad i think

31. Favorite cut of beef?

its all bad

32. Last song you listened to?

all the fools sailed away by dio (the band with real life people in it)

33. Last book you read?

der unsichtbare apfel by robert gwisdek. im still reading it actually im just too busy to finish anything rn

34. Favorite day of the week?

saturday of course!! although last night there was someone in front of my window at 3am who screamed for two seconds for seemingly no reason. this stuff doesnt happen on weekdays

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

no and im self conscious about it

36. How do you like your coffee?

black!!

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

my dr martens mary janes... easy to get in and out of... simple... cute... whats not to love. theyre starting to fall apart tho bc i wear them all the time

38. At what time do you usually go to bed?

between 9 and 11 pm

39. At what time do you normally get up?

between 5 and 9 am

40. What do you prefer - sunrises or sunsets?

emotionally, sunrises bc sunsets remind me that the day is over and my time has run out... but aesthetically, sunsets

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

two, one weighted and one normal

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

plain white... super boring and i hate them but i used to live with a minimalist and tried to be considerate to avoid conflict

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

rum w cola or pina coladas, but i usually avoid alcohol. makes me feel like a soggy sponge and so sleepy. hate it

44. Do you play cards?

no all card games are bad!!

45. What color is your car?

i cant drive

46. Can you change a tire?

i cant even consider learning how to do it

47. What is your favorite province?

*nods*

48. Favorite job you ever had?

i hate jobs and careers and i would sooner let myself get exploded into a thousand pieces by impact with a speeding train than take up a job again

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

i was 15, in a really bad place mentally, and tried to make a point to someone... uh oh!

50. What did you do today that made someone happy?

this question is guilt tripping me

#abt me

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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oh, continuing on from too-long, incoherent post made hours ago when nobody was online, obvs, No-Friends Club members put ur hands in—

one weird thing i remembered is the Experience of like, time to put interpersonal boundaries in place by setting boundaries on My Own Emotions, you know what i’m saying! like for example the Cold Math issue of having no friends, where like, you have a few ppl who talk with you, and just like, thanks to proportions and statistics alone, on your end its like thank god for these noble few who are each like, 490% of the good interactions you get in life, the beautiful line of defense between you and utter isolation, and on their end its gonna be like, you’re a person they talk to sometimes. and that’s too easy to forget sometimes so i just commit to remembering it, and like, deliberately Not getting overenthused/overinvested about it, cuz it’s just not fun to sorta put the cart before the horse and then have the repeated realization that you’re really not going to be an official friend or whatever or that significant a figure in other ppl’s lives. rough!! you know what i’m talking about re: this experience?

it’s just tricky and i don’t even entirely have a handle on it to this day (tho a way better handle on it than when i had to figure out how this situation worked years ago) in part cuz like, actually, despite having been isolated in varying degrees for like, basically my whole life except less during college tho i often had Big Lonely problems then too, despite that and also despite anxiety ishes (issues) and discomfort with social situations sometimes for other reasons, i’m like, actually a real social person when its the kind of social setup i Can be comfortable with, which is a decent variety imo. and i really like people actually, if they arent terrible, and i really like interacting with them If They Arent Terrible, and in theory i would Love to have friends and that’s always been true. and im an enthusiastic and passionate person, what can i say, so it’s a funky time having to reign that in when yknow, generally, like “oh im excited to have a friend” should be a wholly positive sentiment that’s not gonna burn you as long as the other person isn’t evil. but! i do gotta rein in that sentiment. like settle down. like i was saying before about not “hoping” to have friends technically even tho of course i’d always like to and like, if anything erring on the side of caution and not being like, oh yeah these ppl who interact on occasion / amicably with me are my friends. undersell myself eh. if i have friends i’ll try to figure it out after the fact rather than overestimate connections and be disappointed ad infinitum or what have u

also! bring it tf in for ppl with “weird” social skills! losers since preschool or whenever you started being around groups of your age peers! having the intangible Vibe that ppl pick up on and you get sort of socially written off or the Sort-Of-Contempt which is loads of fun. and kind of operating on slightly different frequencies communication wise, or having your social / behavioral cues be misread b/c its not the “normal” meaning, all that kinda thing, so that your Trying To Be Friendly might be Weird In A Bad Way to other ppl, or your social discomfort getting read as “they don’t like us” instead of “they aren’t comfortable with some aspects of this situation”, etc etc etc.....it’s a bummer cuz like, thank god for online socialization b/c in a lot of ways for a lot of reasons its so much more doable for me, but there’s still ways it has downsides, like, i don’t like groupchats which is like, synonymous with We’re Actual Friends Now, so, tough break for me there, and i don’t often start talking to ppl b/c i don’t assume any particular individual would be interested in that and it takes ages for it to occur to me that anyone might, and i don’t think i always am that good at writing my thoughts and also just like In Person i often don’t know what/how to say things even with zero pressure and also just like in person i can be sort of cagey and Underwhelming......whereas IN person i can actually be chatty as fuck and often overtalkative and i like to Get Silly and all that shit. not to say im not underwhelming in person, too! cuz yeah most of the time im overly quiet and people are surprised when i talk or when i make reference to the fact i have Big Opinions and big emotions b/c they thought i just had an equally quiet inner world i guess lol.......like yeah!! on one hand i’m like woops im fucking this up cuz im holding back and on the other hand its like uh oh now im making a mess cuz when i dont hold back im generally not In Accordance With Ppls Tastes And Preferences cuz im being too much. sort of lose-lose-lose. me and cats are the same. also i ought to be better at initiating conversation but i’m crap at it cuz im like, lowkey constant assumption that if ppl arent talking to me they don’t want to and it’d be annoying to say something, which is not Correct. but also i’m always nervous and nervous about ppl. oh well, we’ll get there maybe

anyways i like when characters have no friends and it’s not for lack of trying/wanting them!! it’s a weird experience and ya love that Relatable Material. like its funny alana calling everyone “acquaintances” cuz im out here doing that already lol my friendly acquaintances......like ideally yeah it’d be nice to have close friends but i do appreciate Being A Casual Fixture On The Perimeters Of Someone’s Life And Maybe Sometimes I Get To Be A Small Positive Experience In Their Existence for what it is, but it Is fairly depressing being the fleeting NPC in the outer / tangential orbits of mostly everybody who knows you. c’est la vie!!!! it is both good and not good. anyway back to acquaintances. yeah like seeing that “earnest efforts to have friends but it fails for various reasons” is fun cuz like yeah!! population: Same! though i’ve never really been like that specific character. i also like the book “the murder of bindy mackenzie” and the character is kind of like alana’s too. an academically supersuccessful girl who tries to reach out to her peers but her methods don’t work and she’s misreading others and others are misreading her and she’s distressed about various aspects of her life and also, someone’s trying to kill her. though i wasn’t too much like those other characters either. i feel like luna lovegood makes the list, on account of she like, is just nice and friendly but nobody likes her because of apparently weird interests which shouldnt be considered weird but i guess that was a probably-accidental commentary on how arbitrary Social Acceptability can be, and also because she is sort of unusual in terms of her average demeanor, and that’s not really reason not to like her but not only does she have no friends but also people are just sort of mean to her. feels real man! fondly recalling the times i’ve had to realize in retrospect that people were actually making fun of me...etc etc...other depressing things......and shoutout to the black suits for having that collective representation of varying ways to be a weird dumbass with Issues who nobody likes. very meta that i’ve wished i could be in a shitty for-fun high school garage band for the Hanging Out With Friends aspect of it alone. nato is also great representation for “superlative academic performance but doesn’t actually care about school and only cares about like, a snail he saw today, and being a weird goofaround loser 24/7”

where was i going with this!! just adding on more ideas i guess. Tumblr Mobile Don’t Eat My Post. other lifelong members of the no-friends-and-it-sucks club @ me!! struggling with figuring out how to at least feel more okay with your crappy social experience because there’s no real way to feel good about it but we’re at least trying to feel less bad, @ me! we’re valid and we’re Didn’t Ask For This But Here We Are

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thegeminisage · 6 years

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What other characters (of DBH) you think people should appreciate more and why? I love read your opinions❤

omg anon pls thats so sweet

(if anybody wasn’t here for the last ask the first character was north & there’s a follow-up here)

alright just a “””quick””” (lol as if) little thing for each one bc it’s getting late & you’ve already been waiting on this for like an hour at the time i started typing. it’s probably gonna be long as fuck but the tl;dr is at the bottom

LUTHER:

they did luther so dirty…it was like david cage was playing “racist trope bingo” for his entire debut chapter…and then on top of that all he cares about is kara & alice, these two near-strangers, and it’s real easy to get him killed for them. in fact, in an ending where kara sacrifices herself at the border, she tells alice that luther will get her across the border, and after that, rose will take care of her. UM WHAT? don’t call ur PSN trophy “happy family” and then try to erase luther like that!! what does luther want? what are his hopes and dreams, his fears? nobody ever bothers to ask bc they’re too busy making ralph alice’s dad. and it’s not that i don’t like ralph - i do! but he threatened alice with a knife TWICE. after her previous dad’s bullshit, that’s the last thing she needs!!

here’s my take on luther: he says that what his life was before kara & alice doesn’t matter, and that’s because david cage doesn’t care about him. but imagine instead that luther remembers what he did (was forced to do) before he broke his programming. our luther is sweet and gentle and good, but zlatko forced him to use his strength as a weapon for LITERALLY tearing people apart. don’t you think luther regrets that? don’t you think he wishes he could take it back? perhaps his even temper and loving heart is a RESULT of those early memories: he’s seen the worst sides of anger and callousness, he’s had to be complicit in it. my feeling is that he never ever wants to be complicit in something like that again…it feels weird when he picks up a gun in the game because i think he would be even more of a staunch pacifist than josh?? i feel like even when luther does get annoyed or angry he’s so afraid of the harm he’s capable of doing he doesn’t even really let himself feel it And That’s Sad. he should be able to get annoyed at like a broken coffee maker or some shit without illogically worrying it will result in someone’s maiming or death?? maybe he is So Ready to throw himself on a grenade for kara and alice because yes, he does love them, but also he feels he has to redeem himself somehow, yk? he has to be willing to do absolutely WHATEVER it takes to be Good

they didn’t give luther any depth…he never got to speak to zlatko’s captives and apologize, he never got to express a feeling about kara potentially burning down the whole fucking nightmare house (with living androids inside, i might add) - would he have wished to save those androids? would he be glad their suffering was over? would he have motherfucking hearts in his eyes for kara single-handedly destroying his own personal hell? he deviated for alice, it was alice that made him say “ok, doing this to kids is where i literally can’t take it anymore” - don’t you think he’d be so retroactively terrified of all the terrible things that could have happened to her?

like i truly don’t get why people make ralph alice’s dad when luther loves her so fucking much he’d bring her the moon if she asked - he’s the only person who loves her just as selflessly and unconditionally as kara does. she accepted him and wanted him to say goodnight their very first night together…as soon as he resisted his programming, she stopped being afraid of him, and it must be so amazing for him to finally have people around who don’t either fear him or try to control him…whether u ship him with kara or not (i do, everyone should - it’s one thing to HC kara as gay but i side-eye people who don’t wanna ship luther with anybody) you know he’s gotta cherish them so much

AMANDA:

ok look i know amanda is the antag to connor’s story but honestly she’s metal as FUCK. i was so fucking floored to not only learn the garden isn’t a garden but that amanda isn’t amanda…my first playthrough i was letting connor be just a lil bit deviant but whenever amanda would ask about it i would panic and lie…now i know it doesnt matter what you can say and you can be blatantly deviant right in front of her and she’s like ok Whatever BUT i was deeply shook to realize all my lying to her all along hadn’t meant a thing…she did in fact KNOW i was lying because she wasn’t real, she was living in connor’s brain and she could see all that shit he was doing

and also?? like, imagine you were made out of a dead person’s face and voice. we don’t know if amanda has a body, we don’t know if kamski actually liked what he created or thought it was creepy (like imagine if he and amanda were close and then she died…it’d be weird to see her like that), we don’t know if amanda CAN deviate like the androids…she’s living this half life potentially stuck in some garden and just doing what her program says like everybody else. but even though machines get all the sympathy in this game i very rarely ever see people stop and go “dude, is she ok…is someone controlling her can we help her” - amanda’s a lot like connor, she’s hunting down deviants but she’s not a human and she’s not alive yet so who’s pulling her strings?? can they be cut???

JOSH:

i’ll be honest i haven’t figured out what Angle i like best for josh the way i’ve got one for luther and north but he has such strong convictions i feel like they would have to stem from some past experience. everybody’s always arguing about simon vs north that nobody stops to give josh the attention he deserves…he’s part of the fantastic 4 too!! who is josh? what does he want? what is he afraid of? does he refuse to be violent for reasons like luther - did he hurt someone, deliberately or accidentally? (to a lesser extent, a pacifist markus who shoved leo can also follow this pattern - he gave into violence and thought he’d killed carl’s son, so he swore to do no more violence after that.) or: did he see someone else get hurt/get hurt himself? i know the backstory they give him in the gallery but tbh it’s very similar and not stand-out from most of the rest of the stuff we hear…

like, what made josh deviate? we literally never find out. i think it would be interesting tho if instead of just being the victim of violence, he was ordered to DO violence, and refused - maybe that’s why he got hurt. but i think his relationship WITH violence could be a complex thing for anyone who wanted to tackle it. we know why north prefers violence, why does josh detest it? (similarly, why does simon prefer safety over either approach? - but fandom gives him a lot of love and attention and tries to explain this, and nobody tries to explain it for josh.)

KARA & ALICE:

like…to a small extent…i know they’re main characters but i could write an essay just on why they didn’t get a fair shake either - constant victims of assault, little depth, kara got to choose what happened to her but not what kind of person she was gonna be like markus & connor, significantly less playtime than markus & connor, had NO influence on the big macro plot like markus & connor, i could go on…but definitely the worst for me is that everything about kara that made us love her (from the short), was ERASED - david took her memories and never made the slightest move towards kara wanting them back, or her being able to get them back. she’s six years old and he took all of her history from her, all of her agency!! i feel like translated into fic they can both become very flat - all kara cares about is protecting alice, and alice is constantly scared or hurt or needing to be taken care of, like a baby doll. granted that’s not actually far from the game’s canon, but it could have been MORE. kara had six entire years of experiences before she met alice - what makes alice special? who is kara without alice?

i really wish we had been able to take a personality route with kara - her main superpower seems to be empathy and getting people on her side (ralph, jerrys, zlatko’s creatures), but she can also wave around a gun at anybody who gets near her baby. it would have been really interesting to explore two sides of that - to have a kara who is 1000% Done and ready for wholesale murder if it means surviving vs having a kara who can bring out the best in anyone, even if they seem like bad people at first. (imagine the influence you could have over alice - she would learn to be wary of strangers or be warm to them.) but instead the narrative is wishy-washy; you can’t teach alice anything, and in fact she serves as kara’s moral compass instead of the other way around - you wind up doing things like comforting the guy who broke kara multiple times and waving a gun at ralph (who like, shouldn’t have done that, but also isn’t 100% in control of his own facualities all the time). it would have been really interesting to see kara be able to influence her own fate more as well - the camp sections are shitty and should not exist but like maybe a kara who had spent the whole game yelling at everyone with a gun would have the ability unlocked to then rally the people inside, and who cared what connor and markus were doing, you know?

but david doesn’t know how to write women so that’s not what we got - kara carried that entire franchise into reality and he totally screwed her over!!

TL;DR

luther was forced to do terrible things and that could explain a lot of his behavior if anybody cared, nobody ever wonders if amanda is being forced to obey programming like the rest of the machines or if she’s ok, josh’s relationship with violence could be very complex and we don’t know his motivation for refusing to participate in it the way we know north’s for preferring it, and david can’t write women so he shafted kara so fucking bad and it is an honest to god shame

(dbh meta tag)

#dbh #dbh luther #dbh amanda #dbh kara #dbh josh #dbh alice #detroit become human #long post #liz answers asks #anonymous #sorry that took so long!! i had more feelings than i thought #THANK U FOR ASKING made my night #dbh meta #liz's dbh stuff #liz's meta

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gaymafia · 6 years

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I’m legitimately curious why people didn’t like the last Jedi? I saw it and thought it was okay? Is there something I missed or? Like it wasn’t great but it was passable?

ok so i wasnt gonna do this here bc nobody fucking asked but u asked so thank u but also strap in ur ready for a while ride

TLJ spoilers, obviously. also my issues are going to be numbered in no particular order bc my thoughts on this movie are so fucking scrambled but here we go

1. Kyle Ron. First of all fuck Ryeanne for making me see so many goddamn closeups of Adam Driver’s ugly ass face. I did not need to see all that he is so goddamn ugly especially that fucking shirtless scene where he looks like a block of pasty ass pale wood.

But for real, Kylo Ren. I don’t actually take issue with his existence, because Kyle really does excellently represent rich ass white boys who have everything handed to them but throw a hissy fit when they face the slightest adversity an throw tantrums all the time. It’s nice to see a villain that represents most people real-life nightmares instead of like, a Sexy Temptress or Old Evil Man or whatever. That being said, kyle is not given the villain’s treatment in this movie. if you cut out all the scenes where ryan is not actively sucking adam driver’s dick and jizzing all over himself over kyle’s angsty white boy angst, the movie has virtually no real plot (”oh no we are in space with no fuel, nobody is going to do anything except get mad at each other, miscommunicate, and deliberately make all the characters of color worthless while separating Finn and Poe bc fuck the gays”). So much of the movie is spent not just establishing how kyle became kyle (which is good! backstory for villains is good!), but trying to get us to like, sympathize with him? which is the shitty part. I dont care that Luke “”””tried to kill”’’’ (he didn’t) kyle. kyle had turned to the dark side before luke’s mistake. kyle had a million and one chances to change his mind from the start of TFA to the end of TLJ, and he never did. Kyle is an evil guy. We need one of those. He’s a great evil guy bc he’s got so many shitty qualities. But ryin doesnt want us to hate kyle, even tho hes the villain. why the fuck doesnt reean want us to hate kyle? bc rayan is also a shitty little man who thinks giving ur white boy a sob story makes him a sympathetic villain and sidelining ur characters of color will help.

also again the fucking shirtless scene what the shit man that was so gross

2. Will be broken down into A, B, C, etc. bc TLJ treats its characters of color like SHIT.

2A. Finn. Finn gets put in a coma bc why would anyone want to write anything interesting for john boyega its not like hes the MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN and the MOST TALENTED ACTOR who is being sidelined bc ryun hates black people. Yeah Finn is totally into Rey and he wants to save her and is willing to desert the rebellion for her. that happened in the first movie but why give your characters real arcs when you can recycle old ones to jerk off to kyle ron. the rose thing happens, shes like “we can disable the tracking” and like TWO SECONDS after he was dead set on desertion he’s totally down to risk his life for the rebellion at rey’s expense? that sure is a quick 180 with no real reason why and no writing to explain it! then there was the whole “separate finn and poe” thing ryain pulled for the shits and giggles.

2B. Rose. I was pretty chill with Rose, she had a dope backstory, her sister was badass, and I liked that they made that connection off the bat. I’m not mad about anything rayn did with her character but i genuinely believe thats only because i havent thought about it enough yet. give me a week and i’ll figure out how rain fucked it up. open to suggestions.

2C. Poe. Full offense but was I supposed to be mad at Poe for coming up with a plan when that bitch Holdo was like “I’m not gonna tell you my plan sit tight and be convinced we are all going to die :)” i legitimately did not understand how I was supposed to be mad at poe for doing what he thought was best for the rebellion after he asked holdo what the plan was and she was deliberately obstinate and refused to even be like “dont worry i have a plan” she was just like. so dumb. Also poe got thrown around a lot and i am A Little Suspicious of how much physical violence he experienced compared to many other characters.

2D. You guessed what was next! The slaps! Super awesome how the two men of color were slapped by white people!!!! So deep!!!!!!! For real tho uh the second time i saw this movie someone in the audience laughed when poe got slapped by space hitler hux and uh??? not funny. not funny or cute or clever to use the guy you built your entire nazi imagery on to slap the one black man on your cast. i dont care if it was supposed to make us “hate hux” or whatever more. i already hated hux reyn. you could have used that screentime in your 3 fucking hour long movie for something valuable, like giving finn a character arc, or literally anything else besides that goddamn slap. i was livid watching that.

and then with leia and poe? i get that part of the conflict was internal in the resistance and one of the major themes was how failure is the best teacher and all that but like? maybe stop physically assaulting all your characters of color? maybe uhhhh at least think about that first??

2E. like i mentioned before one of the obvious themes was how failure is the best teacher so naturally all the major characters had to fail at something, and then learn from their mistake to be better next time. with luke it was fucking up with kyle, with rey it was being naive enough to think kyle could turn, with poe it was the dreadnaught thing, finn was left out of this because raan dooesn give a shit abt finn bc hes a racist bastard, etc. but it was incredibly transparent how all of the white characters’ mistakes meant either personal losses or something small scale with one person, while the mistakes of the characters of color (poe/finn/rose) were all ones that cost the rebellion the vast majority of their forces. rey got out of her fight with kyle and snoke unscathed. luke got a lot of guilt and character development. What did finn poe and rose get? the deaths of like 99% of the resistance on their shoulders. A little too coincidental that even though rey LITERALLY GAVE HERSELF OVER TO SNOKE she was totally fine a-ok no real scars, finn and poe and rose doing their best to save the rebellion while admiral holdo refuses to tell them anything costs the resistance so fucking much. rey does the DUMBEST FUCKING THING with no real consequences and finn and poe and rose try their best and are punished severely for it.

2F. Really convenient how everything finn, poe, and rose did ended up being useless and just cost the rebellion lives, whereas at least rey’s mishap got snoke killed and taught her a lesson. reeeeaaaalllllyyyyyy convenient how finn, poe, and rose’s plan was a huge waste of time. it would have been much better for us to see an actual plot line with them that contributed to the story and their characterizations instead of “send them on a goose chase, make it pointless in the end, physically brutalize them along the way.

3. R*yl* bullSHIT: ryyn had a really fun time with a lot of very rape-y scenes in this movie. the whole force-connection thing with kyle and rey was soooooo uncalled for, it reeked of non-con fantasies, catered to the r*yl*s like nothing ever before, and was so goddamn gross. the obvious invasion of privacy and lack of consent was nasty, using it as a shitty device to make rey “come around” on kyle was NASTY and that whole thing was nasty. i know im not articulating this well but there was so much about that whole thing that bothered me. i just know reyhan was so fucking into it, inserting kyle into rey’s life, forcing her to completely drop all of her characterization in the first movie to suddenly thing kyle can be good, acting as if rey hasnt seen all the shit and known what hes done. the whole thing was gross and a really obvious example of why men shouldn’t be allowed to direct movies.

4. killing snoke was a dumbass fucking mistake. kyle is a tantrum-throwing temper-losing toddler. snoke was evil and mysterious and shit idk. we knew he was powerful as fuck, he looked like a testicle which is a great villain imo, he was the darth sidious and they killed him off while kyle is still in like. ep2!Anakin levels of angst. i get that kyle is already powerful or whatever but like. hes not cold and calculated the way snoke was. kyle is a good villain, but a weak main baddie bc hes dumb as fuck. he let the rebellion get away bc he was pissed at luke. that was dumb as fuck. kyle is ruined by his emotions, and snoke was a scarier main baddie bc he wasnt so fucking dumb lol

5. it was so fucking long. there were so many scenes that could have been cut or shortened. why did we need to see luke milking the tiddy of that weird alien cow thing. why did we need to see kyle ron shirtless. why did we need so many goddamn shots of the fucking porgs.

6. ya the porgs are cute or whatever but like. that whole “look at how sad the cute big-eyes porg is when chewie is eating his friend” thing was so dumb. i dunno why but i hated that the most. that was the worst thing the porgs did. they were cute but like chill disney u know they like ran algorithm after algorithm to make that porg the cutest it could be with science or some bullshit and like? thats dumb.

7. i get that the humor in star wars movies is shifting but i felt like there was too much of it and it was dumb. a lot of the riffs werent funny and there were too many of them for a star wars film. star wars usually doesnt take itself too seriously, but this one was a little too much for me.

8. there were too many plot twists for shock value. the story went on too long. it should have ended earlier but it didnt. i dont know why ryenn decided to have like 6 different climaxes but it was too much. should have let there be one climax buddy. thats it.

9. holdo. besides holdo being the white feminist icon why didnt she just fucking tell poe the plan. why. why was so deliberately obstinate when it was doing no good. like yeah of course poe sent out a crew to try to save the rebellion all u told him to shut up and let you handle it! obvously what she did in the end was badass or whatever but like uh hun next time dont be a piece of shit and then get mad when people react to you being a piece of shit. i would have been okay with all that happening if holdo wasnt treated like some hero who never made any mistakes. she did make a mistake, and that was refusing to tell poe what her plan was when she knew he was absolutely the type to do whatever he could to save the rebellion whether he had her permission or not. also apparently holdo is a lesbian or bi or not straight or something in like the comics or whatever and like 1. classic bury ur gays but also 2. no more word of god gay characters if a character is not gay in the movies i will not give you the gay cred for it sorry homophobes

10. i didnt buy the story w luke and kyle at lukes jedi training facility or whatever. surprisingly, i was ok with lukes story line and character development, and actually agreed with it for the most part, but i just like. i dunno i didnt feel like that was something luke would do. not because luke is infallible (even tho he is my gay dad who has never done anything wrong ever) but because the entire original trilogy is luke believing darth vader could be saved. and while im not opposed to luke changing his mind about whether or not everyone could be turned away from the dark side (luke was young and optimistic in the original trilogy, and as he grew older he would learn more about the jedi and their history like the whole speech he gave rey about how the jedi have to end bc theyre lowkey shitty). i actually kind of liked luke’s hot take on the jedi, because it was lowkey my hot take on the jedi (esp the prequels jedi who were shitty as Fuuuuuck but we are ignoring the prequels for now lbr) but also because i could believe it was a view luke would come to as he aged. but impulsively drawing his lightsaber to kill kyle before he had actually done anything bad, after suspecting that kyle had darkness in him for a while, even though he felt like he had failed? it just didnt feel like luke to me. i felt more like raeyn had chosen that particular backstory to try to make kyle a more sympathetic villain rather than give a believable and in-character back story for the characters. i understand that luke’s failure ultimately has to lead to the creation of kyle ron in this story line, but that didnt feel like the right failure to me. maybe this is just me being nitpicky but that felt off to me too and i dont know if i can quite pinpoint why.

11. rey was a dumbass fucking bitch in this movie. rey could not be a dumbass fucking bitch to survive as a scavenger who was orphaned at birth on jakku. rey would have had to be smart and not as fucking DUMB as she was in this movie. now im getting heated so i cant articulate this well but she just did so many dumb things that anybody who had to raise themselves would have never done. she would never have delivered herself over to kyle ron like what a dumb fucking idea. who wrote this goddamn movie. fuck u ryeen.

12. why did yoda come back as a force ghost. where is anakins force ghost. he would be so fucking pissed at kyle right now. he would be mad as hell. he would have ended this thing. he would have called kyle out like the shitdickbitch he is and put him in his place. i get that yoda is more like ancient and orginal star wars jedi knowledge shit or whatever and like more of an authority on the jedi but like anakin is off in like force ghost hawaii drinking force ghost martinis while his shitty fucking grandson is being a piece of shit?? nah man anakin would have shut that shit down they better bring him back for ep IX and i expect hayden christensen himself to show up to bitch at kyle about what a fucking dumbass he is.

tbh theres probably more like i know there’s a ton of little things i hated but as scathing as this review is there were things i liked. visually speaking it was a very beautiful movie when we werent getting atrocious close ups of adam drivers ugly ass face. i originally hated but have come to appreciate the darker tone, since it mirrors the mood of TESB in that the rebellion seems dead but obviously isnt bc this is star wars. i liked luke. i dunno. i had a lot of issues with the movie obviously. to be quite honest i cant actually think of anything else i liked atm which is telling.

anyway if anybody actually reads this long ass fucking post feel free to respond with what you hated abt TLJ

#star wars #the last jedi #star wars ep viii #im probs gonna get hate for this but whtvr #anonymous #ask

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megabadbunny · 7 years

Note

For the DxR fic meme: Nine x Rose; 01 G ☯

(Nine x Rose, Jackie’s flat, midnight, Rose’s diary; from @doctorroseprompts )

***

He knows he shouldn’t, and yet, here he is.

(But it’s not exactly his fault, is it? If she didn’t wanthim to see it, maybe she shouldn’t have left it lying around all public in theopen, conspicuous and winking at him and daring him to take a little peek,wriggling its (figurative) hips like a minx in red throwing a perfumed kissover one shoulder. Never mind the fact that it wasn’t lying around in public somuch as it was in her room, that it wasn’t in the open so much as it was tuckedunder her mattress.)

The Doctor glances around furtively, even though he knows noone will catch him in the act; the flat is empty of any other living thing,save for him and the dust motes colonizing the space beneath the rug. Rose andher oddity of a mum have whisked off somewhere or other (“a proper girls’night”, Jackie might’ve said, or might not have, as the Doctor might not havebeen listening) and Jack is goodness-knows-where with goodness-knows-whom, sothe Doctor figures he’s got a good few hours to himself before anyone returns.And he’s got to find some way to occupy himself, hasn’t he?

(Besides, it isn’t as if he went snooping specifically for it.More like, he snooped, and there it conveniently was. Also, he’s bored.)

Plunking himself down on her bed—not nearly as soft or plushas her TARDIS bed, he thinks with a smirk—the Doctor opens the book to thefirst page.

Dear dairy readsthe first line.

The Doctor chuckles. There is no date scrawled anywhere onthe page, but the scribbles and misspellings amidst very careful and deliberatestrokes tell the Doctor these words were written by someone who had only recentlylearned penmanship, and was determined to do it well.

Dear dairy

Hello how are you? Myname is Rose Marion Tyler. It is my brithday today I am 6 years old.

It’s almost impossible to imagine Rose ever being so young;far easier to picture her emerging fully-grown and stubborn-willed and jeopardy-friendlystraight from inception. But the Doctor tries, and in his mind’s eye he canalmost see her sitting on the bed—no, lying on it, stomach-down, her sock-cladfeet kicking idly in the air. Her hair, unbleached and light brown, would be pulledback into a ponytail, held in place by one of those what d’you-call-it’s. A scrunchie. Her head would bend down inconcentration over the diary as she clutched her pen tightly in her small fist.The Doctor imagines the pen to be pink, glittery, one of those gel-things, hopelesslyand wonderfully childish and girly, and his grin broadens.

Mummy and me had aparty in the park and Lottie and Fred cud not come but Shireen was there andMickey to and his gran and my grandad Prentis. Grandad brung cake from thestore it has had a heart drawed on and my name and there were candels.We had ice cream to. And I had prezents there was a barby and shoes and a newbell for my bike…

The list continues and the Doctor rolls his eyes fondly.Clearly, six-year-old Rose had decided to commit only the most pertinent ofdetails to memory. He flips through perhaps the first quarter of the diary, pausingat a mention of Mickey here, a drawing of a flower there, and watches as Rose’shandwriting grows more confident, her entries more substantial. Her diary is amicrocosm of her adventures with mates, days at school, developing crushes, thelikeability of some of Jackie’s boyfriends and the caddishness of others. Atrandom, the Doctor slips a finger between the pages and opens the diarymid-entry, perhaps a year or two along its timeline.

and it felt awful butI didnt say anything bc he was right I dont have a dad but Keisha got angry andtold him to butt out and mind his own business. So then Nick laughed and madefun of Keisha bout her mum and I thot Keisha might cry so I punched Nick in thenose and it bled and the head teacher says I cant come back to school for aweek. Mum says Im in trouble but she didnt stop granddad from buying me a 99 onthe way home and she said next time do a slap its easier on the nuckles.

The Doctor can just picture Rose, eight years old, eyesflashing and stance wide as she bloodies some little twerp’s nose with herfist. Now that—that is a Rose he has no trouble imagining. Laughing, the Doctorshakes his head and flips to a later entry.

8 Nov 1996

Dear diary,

We went to go see Dad yesterday.

The Doctor pauses, hesitates. He knows what the words mean—they’refigurative, not literal, because it would be another eleven years before Rose sawany more of Pete Tyler than old photos and a grave—but the memory of the daynine years earlier still sends a shiver down his spine, clenches something inhis gut in a guilty-sick feeling he can’t quite explain.

Mum told me the storyagain. She seemed all right definitely better than the last time. I think thephotos help. Granddad came to and I don’t think he rly liked Dad very much buthe was nice about him today nicer than on other days. Afterwards Mum went todrop me off with Mickey but he said she needed me so I went on home and she seemeda little happier but she still cried a bit.

The Doctor wrinkles his nose. Something about Mickey theIdiot doing a good turn makes him grumpy. Who does that idiot think he is,anyway?

We had tea and fellasleep in front of the telly. I wanted to make her dinner but there was nothingin and I couldnt find anything in her purse so I went down to Ms Nodd’s bc she’sout seeing her grandson and I got the spare key from under her flower pot and Ilooked in her bedroom and found a few pounds and took them. I bought Mum aChinese from her favourite place and she didnt ask where I got the money so I didnttell her. I dont think Ms Nodd would know it was me that took it but I stillfeel bad I just didnt know what else to do. Ill pay her back when I get somemoney for my bday.

Nice old bird, that Ms Nodd. Much nicer than some of theother tenants on the Estate, with her blue-tinged hair and cheerful smile andwithered old hands that freely distribute home-baked biscuits to errant TimeLords who just happen to be handy with a squeaky front door. The Doctor makes amental note to liberate an ATM of a couple hundred-pound-notes at his earliestopportunity and slip them into her flat.

He reads a few more pages—comfortably silly stuff, all ofit, more crushes and rants about school and discussions of celebrities andfashion and Rose’s favorite things on telly—until his fingers land on an oddlybrittle page, warped in places, buckling. Several of the words are nearlyimpossible to discern, smudged as they are, and it takes the Doctorapproximately .003 seconds to identify the water marks as tears.

(There’s no dear diaryhere, no date. The words simply begin, as if writing anything more than theabsolutely necessary would take too much energy. Like it would hurt too much.)

Granddad’s gone.

The Doctor sighs, and his hearts each break a little foryoung Rose, curled up in her bed and crying bitter tears into her pillow. Tenyears old is far too young to experience the cruelty of such a loss. But it isn’tas if it gets any easier at any other age. The Doctor knows that to be painfullytrue.

Had a heart attack.Doctors said he went in his sleep and didn’t feel anything. I hope that’s true.Mum said he’s with the angels now but that’s stupid. The angels don’t need him wedo. I already miss him.

Mum can’t stop crying.I wish Dad was here.

And there’s that feeling again in the Doctor’s gut, thesquirmy-sicky one. Almost as if his stomach knows he shouldn’t be doing this,like his body is punishing him. It was all well and good reading about the funfrivolities of a carefree primary-schooler, but this sort of thing—this issomething else. Something deep and personal, a compound fracture of emptinessand hurt. The Doctor knows should stop reading now. He really should.

(He doesn’t.)

It takes a few weeks for the mentions of Granddad Prentice tostart fading, but eventually, they do, fading away to be gradually replaced bythe normality of everyday life. Sometimes months pass between diary-entries;other times, years. The Doctor smiles as he glances over recountings of schooldays and formals and skipping classes, of Jackie’s eccentric cluster of boyfriends,of fights with friends and happy makings-up after, of holidays and gossip andhopes for the future. The day Rose and Shireen fall out over a boy is marked byan obscene amount of swearing and words crossed-out and pencil-punctures dugdeep into the page; the day Mickey asks Rose to be his girlfriend is noted withexclamation points and a lipgloss-kiss.

The day Rose meets Jimmy Stone is noted with a single heartthat simply reads Mrs Rose Stone.

Grimacing at the words, the Doctor forces himself to presson.

OMG met this bloke Jimmyyesterday n he was soooo fit reads the next entry. Shireen and Keisha and me went down the pub and he was playing in theband and I thot he fancied Keisha at first but after he asked for my number ♡ ♡ ♡I kno it doesn’t mean nothing so I didn’ttell Mickey cos no point in him worrying and he gets so jealous anyway lol

Awww, poor jealous ickle Mickey, thinks the Doctor. He snortsderisively. Human beings—so quick to such petty reactions. He’s very glad hedoesn’t have to worry about silly things like that.

Still, it’s a little surprising when, just a few pages later,things have already progressed by leaps and bounds. Jimmy kissed me! leaps out from the page, followed by things like Mickey and me had a fight and Snuck out to hear Jimmy play downtownand Went to the cinema with Jimmy and he puthis hand up my sk

Hearts hammering, the Doctor flips past that page before hiskeen eyes have a chance to read any further. For some reason, the thought ofJimmy putting his hand up anything of Rose’s—indeed, of Jimmy or some otherfool even thinking about touching her, anywhere, with anything—makes him burn abit under the collar. Unpleasant, that. Maybe he’d better take a look at Jackie’sthermostat, make sure it’s doing its job, because it certainly doesn’t feellike it.

(Still, he skips the several pages that follow, just to besafe.)

said if Iwalked out that door I’d better not walk back in and you know what screw her.She’s wasted her whole life crying about Dad and never doing anything withherself and never doing anything for me. I hate her I would rather die then belike her

Eyes widening in surprise, the Doctor quickly scans over thenext few pages, his concern deepening by the second.

love Jimmy andno one can tell me any different and if Mum really knew what love was then she’dunderstand

Im so glad I’mwith him now he gets me like no one else ever has or ever will, ♡ him forever

didnt want totake my a-levels anyway not like it means anything out in the real world

moving into aflat together next week can’t wait ♡♡♡

and I love himbut I wish he’d get a job cos the gigs don’t make enough n I can’t covereverything on my own

came home drunkagain last night n wouldnt tell me where he’d been

told me I’dbetter cough up the rest of the rent by next weekend or else he would

And then, nothing.

The Doctor frowns. Whatever he would do is left unexplained, torn away along with a wholecluster of pages in the diary, leaving a ragged little scar behind where wordsand feelings used to sit. The Doctor runs a finger along the page-stumps leftin the spine, and wonders.

What could have happened that was so bad that even the memoryof it had to be ripped away?

The next entry picks up a few weeks later. It does notmention Jimmy. Instead, the page displays only a handful of lonely words:

He wasright. I’m so stupid.

It takes a moment for the Doctor to realize that the diaryis shaking in his hands. But that’s only because he’s gripping it so tightlyhis knuckles are glowing bright white in an attempt to jump out of his skin. Andsuddenly he’s glad, in quite a perverse way, that he has witnessed thedestruction of the Reapers firsthand, because otherwise the temptation to pilotthe TARDIS back in time to ensure that Jimmy Stone never hurt Rose—that henever so much as existed, never so much as blighted this planet with even asingle vile breath—would be so strong that he’s not entirely sure he’d be ableto stop himself.

Forcing himself to calm, the Doctor skips forward, hopefullyto an entry that won’t cause hisblood to boil angrily in his ears. Now phrases like moved back in with Mum today and applied at Henriks greet his eyes, and he feels the muscles in hisshoulders begin to relax.

and a sweet ginger boy’sstarted coming round, Mum named him Jonesy

but the new job’s notso bad

going out to the clubswith Shireen

Mickey stopped by withflowers today and it was like nothing had ever gone wrong

anyway we’re datingagain

nothing’ll come of itbut some blokes won in Bristol last week so who knows, maybe we’ll win a littlesomething n I could get Mum something nice

a little boring Iguess but prolly about the best I can expect for now

So my job blew uptoday???

Now a grin spreads across the Doctor’s face, lighting it upfrom ear-to-ear. Finally. Took longenough to get here. Now for the reallygood stuff.

Fingers tingling in anticipation, he turns the page.

Nothing.

The Doctor flips through the remaining pages, hunting forsomething, anything, but nothing buta sea of white greets his eyes, winking up at him obnoxiously without so muchas a single date or scribble or scrawl to capture his attention. The rest ofthe diary is completely, utterly blank.

Huffing in irritation, the Doctor sits back, flipping thebook closed with a scowl. It makes a certain sense, he supposes, but still.Really? She’ll write about ice cream and Barbies and school gossip and Mickeythe Idiot but no mention of the TARDIS, no asides about traveling through timeand space, no discussion of Dickens or Slitheen or bitchy trampolines or 900year-old Time Lords taking her by the hand to show her anything her littleheart could ever possibly—

CLANG.

“I just found it!” blurts out the Doctor without eventhinking, pushing off the bed and whirling round to face Rose’s open bedroomdoorway. But no one stands there; indeed, if his superior hearing is anythingto go by (and it usually is), there’s no one within several meters of him, certainlyno one in the flat. And the continuing ding-dang-dongbell’s sound, ringing at twelve lazy but significant intervals, informs himthat his nervousness was for naught—it’s just Jackie’s old grandfather clock,noisily (and unnecessarily, the Doctor thinks with a grump) proclaiming thetime.

It’s midnight. Probably Rose and Jackie will be home soon. Andprobably he shouldn’t let them know he was nosing through Rose’s diary.

(Even if it wasn’t his fault, seeing as they left him aloneand bored and unoccupied in the flat, and even if he didn’t find what he waslooking for—even if he’s not entirely certain what that was.)

As he slips the diary back into its hiding-place beneathRose’s mattress, it occurs to him that there are any number of reasons Rosemight not be writing things in a diary any more—she forgot it at home, or she’stoo tired after their adventures, or too distracted, or maybe she’s even got anew one aboard the TARDIS, hidden somewhere equally silly. But there’s anotheroption too, he realizes; that she’s simply too happy to see the need forwriting things down, that she is too busy living her memories to think of takingthe time to document them. The thought warms him, contentment blooming in hischest, and he leaves Rose’s room with a smile, closing the door behind him.

(He still checks her room on the TARDIS just in case.)

***

part ii

#ficandchips #nine x rose #ninerose #ninexrose #nine/rose #prompt fill #thanks for the prompt dear!#<3 <3 <3

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