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mintyvoid · 3 months

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a somewhat review / ramble about garfield 2008 game

so if you're not in the same sections of yt as myself you may not be familiar with the guy- planet clue (or evan), who I quite like, am inspired by at times, and slightly jealous(as im jealous of anyone who is able to do things they enjoy and finish projects). Recently he uploaded a video about the 2008 Garfield game ALONGSIDE a mod he made to better the experience of playing the old thing.

youtube

please watch, he always does a really good job at going juuust enough in depth to sate most curiosity- while also leaving stuff out and making you want to engage in whatever he's talking about. He's always super passionate about whatever it is, and it's really inspiring.

ANYWAYS. So of course I had to try the game out.

For a quick look see into my brain, I play just about any game that catches my interest- which isn't really bound by genre or mechanic. There are some exceptions, like fps or horror or sports. Despite this I still engage with these in other ways likes reviews or gameplay videos. In general I think as a (i dunno if i can really call myself a game designer despite going to school for it, i havent really done much after graduating thanks to depression and having that fun autistic life decline after losing structure)- it's good to have knowledge or experience of as many unique things as possible.

ANYWAYSANYWAYS. I also really liked the idea of the game.

For a short synops if you didn't watch the video or forget; you play as garfield, and odie just fucking wrecked the house. You need to fix this using a vacuum to grab items and put them back where they belong, as well as right skewed frames/posters on the walls. It's a really clever and grounded premise for the garfield world. Games that take place is a kinda mundane or simple world tend to either go really hard into a fantastical premise/mechanics or just do a puzzle game lol. So it's really refreshing to see a really solid idea that to the right people IS really engaging.

I am one of those people.

I LOVE organizing, putting puzzles together, doing the fun sorting for no reason.

Now I won't sugar coat it, the game is fucking rough around the edges. It is veryyyy much a product of its time and a licensed game. The controls are a clunky and take a bit to get used to, the use of the vacuum as well doesn't always 'just work'.

The main character controller is overall a bit sluggish, I was surprised that it doesn't just snap and change your direction when you go. Lining yourself up properly can take a few taps or needing to do like a full rotation. Most of the time this is fine, there are a few instances where there's an item to place/grab that's on a shelf where it becomes a fun game of trying to rotate the character lol.

There was also the fun realization that the vacuum uses two buttons, one for sucking and one for spitting. There are no tutorials in the game, which I imagine was fine at the time since the instruction manual most likely provided all this information. And really I probably should've looked it up, but it also would've been nice to have a pdf or something already in the files or even just the controls in a txt.

Speaking of controls, there is also a kick button. I didn't use this for the entirety of my playthrough lol. I think you can use it to kick Odie aside, he will charge you and knock into you in a quick stunned state, but it seemed really hard to pull off. For the most part I could just avoid him or just let him do his thing lol.

Along side this obstacle, are some light platforming puzzles- that use the items you relocate. Honestly I'm just super impressed by how everything ties together, sure the game is kinda shit, but it makes up for it with so charm and hella good cohesion. Literally nothing feels out of place. Even the few side missions you have to do (a vacuum themed one, a race, and a flower hunt) don't feel out of place. Thought to be honest none of them are particularly /fun/ either.

The game also has a time limit? When you start there is a timer counting down from 8 hours and you must finish everything by then. Do not be alarmed, this is extremely way too much time. By the time I finished(which i technically haven't done but I'll get there..) I had about 5 hours still left. The timer directly relates to the plot, the total destruction of the house is prefaced with John threatening Garfield with making him diet after he ate his lasagna(that was such a hard word to type holy shit) and scratched up some things. John saying that if he finds another thing ruined by the /time he comes back at 5pm/ the dieting will commence.

..5pm.... 8 hours?

Oh my god John left for his 9-5! The 8 hours directly means a full day passing. This is probably so small and most likely barely thought of, but the fact that to me it's so logical makes it just soooooooooo good. Another thing perfectly tying the whole thing together.

Okay but what about the actual game? It's not a simple free for all, you don't get access to the full house right away. There are also other artificial barriers created by the playing only being able to hold 3 items at a time. If you want to collect more you need to deposit some into a storage box which there are a few of, but they're not connected- so I just kept using the same one in the main hallway the entire time.

It's a lot of going back and forth between rooms and between them and the box.

You unlock the other rooms by completing the ones you have access too, It's a pretty obvious way to handle the progression and one that is handled well.

There were a handful of times though, that I got completely stuck. Often it was because of the camera and missing items that were tucked away in such a way that required wrestling with the camera in order to get the item in view. Though you don't actually need the item in view to suck/spit it out, as a first time player it made for quite frustrating moments. The camera often doesn't want to sit where you get it too. It feels like it was made for more open areas than it was programmed too and doesn't want to get closer to the player character. I think almost all the places where I missed something and couldn't find it till I watched a speedrun of it, were all small ish areas where getting the camera to actually see it was a struggle.

I was also really surprised that the cameras horizontal isn't inverted. I don't know if this was a change made by the mod, or if 2008 was already in the time where this change happened in the industry. I thought it happened around 2010. I'm curious to see if the ps2 version of the game had inverse. I'm someone who actually likes an inverted horizontal axis, so it took a bit to get used to and in general was a interesting brain thought to me.

A thing that I actually feel different about with evan is I actually /like/ the music. His mod replaced the music with some lesser known nintendo tunes, but I wanted to have the authentic experience- just to know.

And while initially the game sounds like a dumpster fire, I grew to enjoy it. It all sounds..fine. None of it is extremely bad, but none of it is any good either. It's all feels like royalty free stuff with like a hint of Sims music thrown in there. They're all earworms and kinda live rent free in my head now, seriously just the 'menu' music which is also the main first floor music is so stupid sounding(affectionate). I think my favourite is the upstairs theme, it's a bit more mellow, while still having aspects of frantic-ness to it. Cause ya know, need to clean before John gets home.

So I know I said I finished the game..and also said that I haven't actually. There is SOMETHING in the house that needs to be readjusted I think, I'm pretty sure I've completed all the rooms and the lasagna is done too (though it uh...the model reverted back to its empty version, it's kinda funny looking at all the items around it and it being empty again..i dunno if this is a major issue or not)...but what I assume is a final cutscene has not played. I most likely will need to rewatch a sr to finally finish the game.

Overall though, I would recommend the game if it sounds like something you'd be into. It is a fun experience, even with it's clunkyness. And the work Evan has done is really awesome.

If i wasn't in such a deep funk there's a lot of cool things that could be done with the game and it's ideas. There are already tools to export the models, so i imagine updating or just goofing around with the textures would be possible and probably fun to do. Or even going further and just remaking the mechanics to make something new with the ideas..or going crazier and remaking the whole game in like unity to better various things like the controller lol

i've always wanted to get into modding and weird game stuff, but always fall short in getting myself to -actually do the thing- *sighs* maybe when the funk ends..

but i digress, HERE is the link

#somewhat a review #game ramble #i probs couldve wrote more or wrote better but im absolutely not editing or proof reading this lol #i just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head #theyve been ruminating for like a week or so #i was tempted to learn the sr for this but the controls are a bit too clunky for me #and the amount to memorize makes my head hurt lol #Youtube

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flowerslightning · 4 years

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(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

#final fantasy 7 #final fantasy vii #final fantasy 7 remake #final fantasy gif #ff7r #mygif #ff7r spoilers #cloud ff7 #cloud strife gif #sephiroth gif #final fantasy sephiroth #character analysis #psychology #psychiatric disorders #cloud strife #aerith gainsborough

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whirlybirdwhat · 4 years

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Oh I wonder how Katsuki would react to them! If it was an op au he would probably have Zoro's role (wants to be the best and doesn't care about what people think) but I don't know if he would like Zoro if he met him (and I really don't know what he would think of Luffy)

OKAY SO REALLY TINY ANSWER TO YOUR ACTUAL ASK AND THEN UNDER MY CUT MY FEELINGS ABOUT THAT KASUKI AND ZORO OPINION BECAUSE BOY. DID I FIND OUT I HAD EMOTIONS!

So! Kastuki be enraged. here are people who give no fucks about heroes, if bakugo’s better than him, have a drive he can’t match and the ability to cause bigger explosions than he could ever hope (Three Thousand worlds, red hawk, fire bird star... i can go on.) They aren’t bound by science like he is. And they don’t care about heroes, or the government, things that validate Bakugo.

So he’d be enraged. and then maybe ave a lil bit of respect? Because they are, sorry, stronger than bakugo in an objective sense and would wipe the floor with him. Especially since Bakugo wouldn’t have haki. And More, they wouldn’t care about what bakugo thought of them and would just do their thing. I think bakugo would want to be them. And He’d be 100% baffled by luffy who would just think his explosions were cool then show him his red hawk attack lmao.

NOW. Onto my very strong opinions underneath the cut.

gonna be honest i havent watch bnha since i watched one piece, so its been awhile, but i also feel that Bakugo and Zoro are just. very different characters. especially due to the extremely different themes both medias have. Zoro has a goal, an unbeatable, impossible goal that he will sacrifice anything but his friends to get - and in the beginning, when we first meet luffy, he would have sacrificed him if he got in his way. Zoro, however, supports others - he believes, no, knows that luffy will be the next pirate king. He’s the first mate and steps up when the captain can’t (water 7) and knows what need to be done and what he won’t sacrifice (which quite frankly is only his crew mr “chopping my legs off to win a battle is a good idea” fucking dumbass ily).

Bakugo, to my understanding as i stopped watching when Bakugo got captured, is literally. Not that. He has a goal yes, but its a goal shared by several other characters - deku, and i believe todoroki wants to be the number one, etc - and we also don’t know why beyond he wants to be the best. Its a baseless goal, as of right now, one that can only be given meaning through fan speculation. Which is in comparison to Zoro, whose goal to be the best is through a promise to a dead sister-figure and for his need not to be weak and to be strong enough for his captain - his crew - not himself, like Bakugo presumably. Additionally, Bakugo has literally stepped on others in a malicious way to get to the top, and while Zoro has done so, it is simply because he doesn’t care; he’s better than them in skill, and in the one piece world its a dog eat dog world. Zoro is staying true to the values he as a swordsman has. Bakugo wants to be a hero. Bakugo has less compassion for citizens than Zoro has, a world class criminal. Who has destroyed several towns and taken down several kings, tyrants, and government officials.

Too my last point, Bakugo... isn’t really a leader. Zoro isn’t either but Zoro steps up and people listen. Bakugo steps up and yells, and people listen. Its different.

And Bakugo does cares about what people think - he wouldn’t yell, proclaim he’s the best, be as competitive as he is, bully children, or anything if didn’t. He wouldn’t want to be the best with seemingly no motivation if he didn’t care what people thought.

Zoro has quite literally said that it doesn’t matter if he’s a pirate or a marine, or what people think of him - as long as his name rings across the land as the best swordsman, fufilling his promise to Kuina, he has achieved his dream. (Chapter 5 -6 I believe.)

This difference is of course to the themes of both manga. To my Understanding, BNHA is all about being a hero - what does it take to become a hero, what makes a hero, do not give up without trying, help others before yourself, theres a solution to every problem, etc. I looked most of these up because the only one I could think up off the top of my head is what makes a hero/ is it ability or your actions because how bnha handled it esp with its opening line pissed me off but!! thats a story for another time!

One Piece’s themes disregard heroes. One piece’s themes are first and foremost - dreams, the romantic view of the world, sticking to your ideals, being selfish, and freedom. I could go on for hours about it. In fact, I have.

The One Piece world is a lawless place. the government is corrupt, slavery exists, and its heroes are either pirates who saved you only because you were their friend (strawhats, despite not wanting to be called heroes) or marine heroes who are chained to the concept of a ruthless justice and have to let family members die for it (garp). Everything is weird, but only one character in the entire history of one piece has been alienated for being weird - Katakuri, for his mouth, which is fucking absurd considering his brother literally has an oven on his head and his mother is a soul sucking cannibal who wears a polka dot dress. In one piece your ‘quirks’ aren’t celebrated - its just normal. Fun even. Especially on. the Grand Line where the rule is anything can happen, from rubber boys fighting God or islands made out of food.

The world of BNHA is the exact opposite. While they have “quirks” which can be anything, its not something anybody can obtain, unlike one piece, where only Conquerors Haki is an unobtainable skill unless you are born with it. BNHA is a world buried deep in laws, heroes, and villains - black and white for the most part to my understanding. It is a world where if you are villain, you are pretty much expected to be evil or out for blood, and if you are a hero, you are generally expected to help people, even if you might be doing it for money or fame. Unlike one piece where each and every character has a dfiferent moral compass. BNHA is also a realistic world in terms of quirks - you won’t be finding islands of candy or the like, and it is pretty much contained in one setting, which shifts characters characterizations a lot.

How does this affect Bakugo and Zoro?

Well. In a world where dreams and selfishness are valued, you would think Bakugo would flourish. I think he would falter, because of what you pointed out - his willingness to be the best. In BNHA, theres a structure for how you become the best, through school and a career, an official ranking. There’s nothing like that in One Piece, as bounties have been shown to be absolutely fucking worthless, and literally all the top bounties are just puns. fucking puns. I love it.

If Bakugo went around as he does in BNHA, in one piece, a world where he doesn’t have people protecting him from his actions or not hurting him because he’s a kid, bakugo would honestly probably die. Bakugo’s drive to be the best and his normality as typically being the best in BNHA would not translate over well.

In One Piece rookies get knocked the fuck out unless you have plot armor which honestly doesn’t always protect you. See the Baratie. Saboady. Fucking Marine Ford. Wano. Big Mom. Fucking FOXY. You can surrvive by staying lucky - Buggy, but it isn’t often.

What would Bakugo even be the best of? The Marines where he has to listen to the Five Elders? He’d be a less hateful Akainu (because no one can be as bad as Akainu)

In a world without structure, Bakugo would fucking die.

In comparison, in a BNHA au, Zoro has drive and would probably just be like an accidental villain like I have in my au.

In the End, Zoro is a pirate, and Bakugo is a hero in training. Bakugo relies on organizations to help him reach the top while Zoro actively destroys them. Bakugo wants to lead but can’t (as of right now) and Zoro can lead but loves his captain, so won’t. Zoro’s goals are seated in concrete ideals, concrete promises that he has to keep. Idek why Bakugo wants to be a hero beyond being the best.

BNHA could not work in a one piece right down to the fucking morals. Pirates Vs Heroes. The pirates could maybe be the heroes, but could the heroes ever set out to purposefully take down others, obtain land, and be free from responsibility?

Thats just a portion of my thoughts on it. BNHA characters are just... so incompatible with any world that isn’t theirs because their lives revolve around fitting the algorithm of UA and the Hero Career. OP, in its focus on selfishness and disregarding the rules of any place and bringing chaos anywhere, can pretty much go anywhere without being odd because even in their own world they ruin every thing.

Okay. Im done now. Sorry anon you opened a can of worms i didn’t think i had thoughts on!! guess i do!!

#Anonymous #FUCK DID NOT KNOW I HAD THOSE EMOTIONS #op #one piece #bnha #whirlywhat #whirlywrites #zoro #whirlyrambles #roronoa zoro #disc horse>#bakugou katsuki #bakugou #op meta #mha #my hero academia #boko no hero academia

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seijch · 4 years

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4, 6 and 17!

make me work on my wips!!

4. venom drench, a suguru pokemon au

in which you and suguru are partners pitted against each other for a promotion within the organized crime organization known as team rocket, notorious throughout the kanto region for being impossible to take down.

this originally started as the setup for a different pokemon au but it ended up growing a mind of its own so i caved and let it be its own fic NSKJFDSF

but ive even been thinking of repurposing it for smth thats Not pokemon just bc the actual pokemon presence in this one is SO minimal lmao the snippet i managed to pull out of my ass has pokemon but the rest of the work...not so much

“don’t take it personally,” suguru says, leaning close. you want nothing more than to rip his perfect hair out of his scalp, but his seviper’s coiled around your midsection. “it’s not your fault i wanted it more. really, i should be thanking you.” long fingers brush against your jaw, and you suppress the shiver it sends up your spine. “who knew you could be such a graceful loser?”

you use his proximity as a chance to spit on his face. it works, and his fingers retract to wipe your saliva off his cheek. “maybe not,” he amends. a childish part of you preens at the small victory, a battle won despite the war lost.

“for the record,” he adds, an afterthought as he walks off, “i did enjoy our time together. but you know how it goes. all good things come to an end, shit like that.” he releases your honchkrow from its ball, and the bird squawks in confusion as he orders it to fly away. “now, if you’ll excuse me, i’ve got a flight to catch.”

suguru leaves, the oranges of the setting sun painting him as some hero off to save the day. you curse, shifting your weight as much as you can to try and escape his seviper’s hold. the only thing you get out of it is a greater loss to blood circulation.

if he was the hero, you must be the villain. there’s no going back to the boss once suguru gets to headquarters with the president in tow. you feel the gears move in your head as the plan changes.

6. heart swap, a sugawara pokemon au

you wouldn’t have guessed it when you first met, but sugawara koushi has done nothing but change your life in ways both big and small.

the parentheses are from the Present...the gimmick for this one is that suga and the reader are just retelling the events of the fic but im still figuring out if i should also use present tense for the non-parentheses parts or past tense since its,, technically The Past

(“you’re sure you don’t need to use the bathroom, right?” you ask. “we’re gonna be here for a while.”

“don’t worry about me,” daichi assures, waving a hand. you and sugawara exchange a glance; at daichi’s side was one of those obnoxiously large water bottles. the thing’s like a bathroom break waiting to happen, but sugawara just sighs.)

the air smells different in slateport city. it’s less crisp than the colder canalave, but that was to be expected. the scent of saltwater gets carried along the gentle breeze. as you step off the ship, roserade gasps beside you, taking in the new sights and smells. she hums contentedly, taking in the sunlight.

you slip the thick leather gloves on and hold a hand out for her to take. to account for her wonder at all the ships docked in the new environment, you slow your pace down. if your calculations were correct, you had under five days to register for the hoenn contest circuit.

you create a mental checklist: hotel, contest hall, maybe some food if you or your pokemon were feeling peckish. the hotel was easy enough to spot, a pristine building a stone’s throw from the beach.

(“i still don’t know how you managed to afford the lapis shore hotel,” koushi snorts. “no wonder i had to pick up the check every time we went out.” you shove his shoulder as daichi laughs on the other side of the screen, voice cutting for a second as the connection falters.)

17. paths that will never cross, an oikawa fire emblem: three houses (?) au

oikawa was a winner if you ever saw one, pushing himself to greater heights even in the face of a loss. in hindsight, you suppose you never stood a chance.

this and my other fe3h aus are in an awkward situation where theyre definitely based off of the game but i could just as easily change some aspects and slap the high fantasy label onto them without breaking a sweat

the thing keeping me from staying true to the inspiration and (kinda) universe is that ... im sure the majority of haikyuu fic readers havent played fe3h LMAO i dont want to call it that in fear of people not picking it up because they feel like they wont get the fic bc it has preexisting source material

“i should’ve known you’d come,” you croak, voice echoing off the walls. the war has made you tired. desperate. the crest stone you’ve had grafted on your skin throbs, threatens to consume you.

oikawa looks different. you expected as much; it’s been a long five years for both of you. but the passage of time has not been kind to him. in his eyes, you see nothing but reinforced steel. if the war has made you tired, made your bones ache for peace, it has made him furious. hellbent to stop it, to put your head on a spike once and for all. dimly, you note that his hair looks as good as ever.

“i’m sure you know how this ends.” my, even his voice sounds different. gone is his playful lilt (you mourn its loss, despite yourself), replaced with the authoritative voice you would only hear when he was up against the wire. then again, you suppose each battle could be his last.

when he entered the throne room, threw open the unnecessarily large doors, he knew.

there are only two ways this ends: him bleeding out before you, or your head in his hands as he begins to patch up this wartorn country.

at the apex of the world, you find yourself fighting a losing battle for the last time.

#there was a point in time (read: before i wrote the snippet for it) that i wasnt sure if i was keeping 17 w oiks or not #but i think i can finesse it to fit my needs?#well see LMAO #thank you for the ask aj esp for requesting venom drench #i wrote a full casino scene that sucked the life out of me #as someone who hasnt been in a casino w the intention to gamble Ever #🖋 wip game #💌 love letters #aj 🕊#krystallisert

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svankmajerbaby · 4 years

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13, 20, 30, 40 !!

thank you so much for the ask!!!!!!

13. Describe your writing process from idea to polished i’m not really sure, but i think i’d go something like this: i get the idea usually by either being obsessed with a property (whether it’s frankenstein, beetlejuice or barbie) or by thinking up characters and adding traits and backstory to them, and then thinking up possible dynamics for them to have with other characters. then, i try to figure out a particular context (place and time) that could fit these characters, and i make sure to think it up in such a way that it doesn’t really conflict with the source material (for my barbie-frankenstein fanfic, for example, i didn’t want to set it in early 19th century, because i wanted vivianna to be able to become barbara roberts at some point, and as such it was more comfortable to preserve the victorian aesthetic while also being closer to the 20th century); if there’s not a proper space and time these characters can feel comfortable in (whether because of a particularly tense political situation, persecution, or simply The Wrong Aesthetic Choice), i make up one. after that i begin to write dialogues and location descriptions, try to picture it all in my head as clearly as possible. then, after i have some scenes written and some interactions done, i try to organize them, thinking what should come first, what can lead to a good finale, what would be the most important moment for each character and so on. when this is done, i usually already figure out the ending and can structure everything to lead up to it. after that, it’s all a matter of sitting down and writing between the scenes i’ve already done, editing them and adding whatever new ideas i get in the meantime. usually this is what takes the longest, because by this point i’m losing steam and interest and become distracted by new projects... but sometimes i manage to finish it and by then the editing process starts on full, checking for any grammar or spelling mistakes, wrong pronouns or words or names, usually cutting down on redundant descriptions or dialogues, adding things if i think something is not clear enough or erasing things if they seem too on the nose, and then i do this over and over until i feel it’s good enough.

20. How many WIPs and story ideas do you have? oh boy do i have plenty. i’ve sorta finished the first novel of the story of Olimpia Gómez -the first one is simply called “La Ejecutora, 1938″; i’m currently writing the second, the third and the fourth ones -”La Ejecutora, 1946″, “La Ejecutora, 1954″, and “La Ejecutora, 1966″ respectively. then i also have almost finished my stage adaptation version of “Corpse Bride”, which i renamed “Death and Marriage”. i’m a chapter away at finishing my toy story fanfic, “Sitting On The Shelf”. i’ve written a single chapter of a beetlejuice fanfic about the maitlands that i still haven’t found a proper name fore, but which i’m very excited about. i’m writing several chapters at once of a massive addams family fanfic, focused on most of the main family characters’ backstories or developments beyond the nineties movies, which i’m calling “Family Beyond Blood”. i’ve started a little princess tutu fanfic that i’m not sure if i should continue, but which is a stylistic deviation of what i’ve been writing so far, so that’s good. i’ve kind of abandoned another fanfic idea i had, “Vulnavia & Vulnavia”, from one of my favorite horror movies, “abominable dr phibes”, which i have to come back to... and like the madwoman i am, i’m planning on rewriting the star wars sequel trilogy, so i got that in my to do list, as well. besides those fanfics, i got a sci-fi novel being developed, called “Los Prototipos”, about two twins that escape the enclosure where they had been raised to find out they were being studied to make a single-minded working force (kind of like the replicants in blade runner) with an expiration date -all this set in a dystopic 1960s country somewhere in latinamerica, tackling issues of economic imperalism, forced labor and independece through revolution. this is one of my most political works, so i’m giving it a lot of space to breathe. i’ve also began some time ago a series of noir/horror short stories set in Buenos Aires, one of them based on a short movie script i’ve written, which i’m really excited to do -because i’m usually crap at writing short stories -but i’ve left it in standby until i finish the bigger projects first... and then I Have Scripts, Baby! “Mi Amiga Carolina”, about a possessed doll that emotionally manipulates a depressed teenager that moves alone into her grandmother’s old house; “El Moderno Prometeo”, a (mostly) faithful retelling of frankenstein set in Argentina, focused on the family drama of the frankenstein family and on the relationships between victor, daniela (justine, here being his older sister), quique (henry) and elsa (elizabeth); a screen adaptation of a novel of a friend of mine, “La Chica Que Trabajaba Los Sábados”, about a non-practising jewish woman in Buenos Aires who falls in love with a rabbi, and how their relationship ebbs and flows; and “Verano en los Manzanos”, about a boy who lives in rural Córdoba who falls in love with a girl from Buenos Aires (i try to write what i know, usually), and who as they grow up become a couple, have a kid, and ultimately wind up apart due to his struggle with depression and her own struggle with acute anxiety, all of this interweaved with his own return to the little forgotten village he grew up on, where he reflects on the life he used to have. so, in total... 16 WIP. plenty.

30. Favourite idea you haven’t started on yet i just now realized that i forgot to mention it in the last point, but technically i havent’ even started, so yeah, it’s just an idea: a series of sci-fi books about a parallel history in which India was the first country to go to the moon, and in which South America has the ASADE (Asociação Sul-Americana D’exploração Espacial), where they train cosmonauts to explore the vastness of space: set in an alternate 1930, a team of specialists on several fields and from several countries (the ones I got thought up already are captain Alfonsina Shua, from argentina, and copilot Adolfo Chaviano, from a paraguayan-argentinean couple) go on the fifth ever tripulated voyage. on an exploration, copilot Chaviano gets lost and disappears in space, cut off from his crew, and ends up going through a wormhole and crossing a threshold between sci-fi and fantasy of a blooming star -rendering him immortal but extremely radiated, which allows him to continue exploring space (ending up in several planets, registering his encounters with varied extraterrestrial cultures) while back in Earth the ASADE and his family try to locate him and bring him back home -it’s basically “The Martian” meets “The Little Prince”. and then, there’s the sequel series, about the three grandchildren of Adolfo Chaviano, who, after his death, discover that their grandfather had been developing a time machine alongside Alfonsina to go back in time and look for a way to revert the effects of the radiation in him, in order for him to live longer -and, perhaps, to find the way to become immortal and continue exploring the deepest limits of space. set in an alternate 1971, where space travel is now commonplace, the three siblings, Lena, Majo and Laucha embark on a space mission, meeting all sorts of new characters similarly affected by radiation and some mysterious magical/space properties, in order to find Alfonsina and ask her to give them one more chance to ask questions and say goodbye to their grandfather. so yeah, i got a lot of ideas, but i haven’t been writing any scenes yet -it’s still all in my head so far.

40. Share some backstory for one of your characters well, the original character i’ve got developed the most is Olimpia Gómez (whose birth name is Beatriz Moreno), the orphaned daughter of two spanish union workers who were killed in the Semana Trágica on 1919 by the mysterious Society (of course, working in cahoots with the repressive government), and taken in by that same Society and raised to kill supposed “criminals and dangerous subjects”. trained in the countryside, taught to always be ready to die an honorable death for peace and justice while on duty, she’s taken to Buenos Aires to prove herself by stealth-killing the targets she is given, who she is told are people beyond salvation. she’s never been popular, but her closest friend, Eugenia Menéndez, always tries to get her to open up and join her own attempts at having a normal social life -which is quite difficult when being a spy and “executioner”. Olimpia has a boyfriend, fellow agent Evaristo Gutiérrez, but by the time they’re nineteen their relationship feels cold and strained, and at the same time there’s the pull of one of the most powerful members of the organization, Azucena Velázquez, daughter of two high-ranking agents: she’s kind-of out as a lesbian (only able to be so because of her high status), and has always been interested in Olimpia; Olimpia has to wrestle with her own internalized homophobia, feelings of guilt and bisexuality in order to finally decide who she wants to be, alongside her discovery of precisely how the Society is corrupt and extremely politically motivated when electing its “targets”, which leads Olimpia to try to escape it -despite knowing that the Society is everywhere, and if she can manage to escape, it’s because the Society allows it in the first place.

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somnilogical · 4 years

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<<Over the past year, however, Google has appeared to clamp down. It has gradually scaled back opportunities for employees to grill their bosses and imposed a set of workplace guidelines that forbid “a raging debate over politics or the latest news story.” It has tried to prevent workers from discussing their labor rights with outsiders at a Google facility and even hired a consulting firm that specializes in blocking unions. Then, in November, came the firing of the four activists. The escalation sent tremors through the Google campus in Mountain View, Calif., and its offices in cities like New York and Seattle, prompting many employees — whether or not they had openly supported the activists — to wonder if the company’s culture of friendly debate was now gone for good.

(A Google spokeswoman would not confirm the names of the people fired on Nov. 25. “We dismissed four individuals who were engaged in intentional and often repeated violations of our longstanding data-security policies,” the spokeswoman said. “No one has been dismissed for raising concerns or debating the company’s activities.” Without naming Berland, Google disputed that investigators pressured him.)>>

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/02/18/magazine/google-revolt.html

<<“Of the five people that were fired, three of us are trans women,” Spiers said. “That is either an unbelievable coincidence or Google is targeting the most vulnerable.”

“Trans Googlers make up a very small percentage of Googlers,” she added. “They make up a slightly larger percentage of organizers, but not 60%.”>>

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/dec/17/fifth-google-worker-activist-fired-in-a-month-says-company-is-targeting-the-vulnerable

i too am transfem and would "violate longstanding data-security policies" if my organization were being unjust. i wouldnt say that unless it were already obvious by what bits ive leaked to people about my life, because otherwise i could suppress this information and whistleblow more.

if you were an evil corp at this point youd probably try to avoid hiring any trans women in the first place because given this happens to you, its likely done by a transfem. not that this saved CFAR, who never hired a trans woman, from having a bunch of transfems whistleblow on them despite not being employees.

from what ive read from transfem google employees who are or were involved in activism, the degredation of google's culture. their complicity with ICE and weapons manufacturing mirrors CFAR's with OpenAI and DeepMind; authoritarianism and expulsion of transfems who object to this among a myriad of wrongs. to protect the territory of injustice and complicity with organizations like ICE, google needs to import "a consulting firm that specializes in blocking unions", CFAR needs to violate their whistleblower policy. if you once protect injustice, justice is ever after your enemy. morality isnt some modular thing such that you can be comitted to protecting injustice and not have this choice spiral into also invoking and protecting systems that protect injustice and invoking further things to protect those, recursively. all the way down to doing really dumb and obvious unjust things like transmisogyny (lots of future posts), changing your fundraiser after its clear its losing money, announcing that this year you got way below your donation target and claim to have no idea why.

well *i* know the compact generator for all of these things, and that makes me strong. unlike MIRI/CFAR who like the CDC rely on gaslighting the populace for myopic gains. i also wore a particle mask during the time that the CDC claimed that they were useless to preventing spread of disease, so it was really important to give them to doctors and nurses.

after so much gaslighting, *i* have built up general capabilities at arbitraging the difference between what agents claim and the truth. people who say:

<<Edit: This is a type of post that should have been vetted with someone for infohazards and harms before being posted, and (Further edit) I think it should have been removed by the authors., though censorship is obviously counterproductive at this point.

Infohazards are a real thing, as is the Unilateralists’s curse. (Edit to add: No, infohazards and unilateralist’s curse are not about existential or global catastrophic risk. Read the papers.) And right now, overall, reduced trust in CDC will almost certainly kill people. Yes, their currently political leadership is crappy, and blameworthy for a number of bad decisions—but it doesn’t change the fact that undermining them now is a very bad idea.

Yes, the CDC has screwed up many times, but publicly blaming them for things that were non-obvious (like failing to delay sending out lab kits for further testing,) or that they screwed up, and everyone paying attention including them now realizes they got wrong (like being slow to allow outside testing,) in the middle of a pandemic seems like exactly the kind of consequence-blind action that lesswrongers should know better than to engage in.

Disclaimer: I know lots of people at CDC, including some in infectious diseases, and have friends there. They are human, and get things wrong under pressure—and perhaps there are people who would do better, but that’s not the question at hand.>>

https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/h4vWsBBjASgiQ2pn6/credibility-of-the-cdc-on-sars-cov-2/comment/uDYbgf3QtEQirbsJk

havent. its easy to see how peoples minds are warped when its someone elses glowy thing, when its someone elses friends working for an institution that that someone else routed their hopes through.

its easier to recognize betrayal and see knowledge beyond the veil when its happening to someone else, instead of you.

until you build up general skills for recognizing it, this sort of betrayal isnt infinitely powerful. and like how you might expect that smart people who live for predation would do anti-inductive smart predatory things, but they end up converging on child sex rings; institutions that betray you, because justice is their enemy will start doing dumb unjust things like banning two people from speaking about their irl experiences with anna salamon, saying their first-hand accounts werent evidence and then citing anna salamon's first-hand account of the meeting as evidence. when i objected that this was a fucked up self-serving ontology of "evidence" they acted like i was objecting to "beliefs flow from evidence" and they acted as if what i was saying was obscure and beyond their ability to comprehend. their "incomprehension" was fake, downstream of a fear to dynamically compute things in front of other people that might end up outside the orthodoxy. the result of which is they display a blue screen of death and say “i just dont understand and aaa dont explain this to me!!!”. and then people agree that it "seems like it could be an infohazard" because when your goal is the preservation of the matrix, everything that tears it down looks like hazardous information.

or a cfar employee, in response to claims that anna's transmisogyny influences CFAR's hiring choices, claiming that anna salamon, head of CFAR, is not involved in CFAR's hiring. until i post proof from another CFAR employee pursuing personal vengeance against the org for hiring their rapist where its tangentially mentioned and they suddenly "realize" that anna salamon, head of CFAR, is involved in CFAR's hiring process.

or a thousand other injustices that have burned themselves into my brain during my months of talking with people under the assumption that they were simply mistaken in their path to saving the world. when they were actually un-mistaken in their path to having babies and a low chance of personal death. hoping and expecting someone else will take heroic responsibility for the planet.

like when you drill down to the base of injustice, it bottoms out in dumb and petty injustice. like the structure doesnt go infinitely high and complex, if you go down to the base level, you just need a bit of courage to not flinch away from what you see even if it seems that it means the ruin of something you ran your hopes and dreams through.

"isnt this a little... extreme?" i hear some people ask. ""dont protect regions of injustice?" that sounds like the end product of obsessive compulsive fixation on virtue at the expense of practicality."

well, assuming the algorithm seeding this response is a systemic reasoning tool, it should forkbomb when you consider if youd output ""dont protect regions of untruth?" that sounds like the end product of obsessive compulsive fixation on virtue at the expense of practicality." in response to eliezers essay. the principle behind both is the same such that if you hold by one you should hold by the other.

all of these things have parallels. if you want to see what is happening with MIRI/CFAR, theres a lot of mutual information with whats happening with Google.

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katreal-fic · 5 years

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Day 5 — for #fictober 10/05/19

Prompt: “I might just kiss you.”

Fandom: Homestuck

Warnings: Cursing, 2nd Person POV

Part of a series. Please start from the beginning!

Characters: Dirk Strider & Roxy Lalonde

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x-x-x

Dirk > Get Over It

You don’t get over it. But, you’ve had years of the intrusions to learn to live with it. You pick yourself after time and the sea breeze allow the most persistent of the whispers to fade back into your brain. You don’t know how to stop it. You don’t think you can. Maybe it’s just in the universes’ cards that you’ll never be able to escape the insufferable and unignorable presence of your selves. Splintered, doomed, it’s a big old party full of the one person you hate the most.

You’re on the computer this time, digging into some of the less physical aspects of your work for CrockerCorp. Coding wasn’t your favorite thing, but aside from Roxy and ARq, you were probably one of the better around, and as far as you know, neither of them were helping Jane out on a consulting basis. You ignore the humming in the back of your mind, the phantom disconnect bubbling out from some deep inner core that leaves you watching your hands performing their tasks and yet--not under your control at all. An observer. Weightless, formless, trapped in a world of numbers and words with only a single view to the world beyond.

Only that isn’t right, you could take the stairs to the roof and go wherever the fuck you wanted to. Maybe you’re trapped, but it’s your own damn choice.

That’s the most unnerving of the loose threads, you think, because you know exactly who is leaking through there and at least he has more of a right to inflict this shit on you than any of the others.

It keeps leaking. Mixing. You wonder if one day you’ll stop noticing and cataloging and just accept it all as your lot in life. Maybe even use it.

You send off the finished product--even with clumsy as hell organic interfacing tools, you work more efficiently at this sort of task when your auto-responder rises to the surface--and scroll through your inbox for another one.

One stands out from amongst the mixture of spam emails that somehow keep getting around your ever more sophisticated filter (you suspect ARquiusprite to be behind it, but have no proof) and the more mundane business communication you maintain with CrockerCorp’s research division. You used to go straight through Jane but...as the company expanded it became more efficient to just work directly with the developers since Jane wasn’t very plugged in to that particular aspect for the business. It unnerves you a little, thinking of the small bakery she opened to take back her family name from the Batterwitch, only for the business to balloon into such a multi-industry giant, filling many vital services in this world and only rivaled in scale by Jake’s revival of SkaiaNet.

But you suppose that’s the responsibility of a god, taking the world in hand and guiding it. Benevolent patrons, looking down from on high, shaping the course of history and society into the best form it could be. Someone’s got to recreate the internet (the world’d better thank you and Roxy and ARquiusprite for that) and you weren’t willing to wait around for it to happen organically. Shit needed to get done, and sometimes, the eight of you were the ones who needed to do it.

The rogue email stands out with it’s bright pink text and typo filled subject line. Why would Roxy send you an email? Why didn’t she just hit you up on Pesterchum or--

A thought and you have the window open in the corner of your display, fighting, and failing to resist the urge to press your palms into your face when you notice the little red dot next to Do Not Disturb. A little further digging and you turn up some unread notifications that never got sent due to the privacy settings.

Of fucking course. Of course you’d automatically flip it to DND when in one of your spirals and not even realize it. You remedy that mistake, but instead of scrolling back through Roxy’s messages--there’s also a meme sent your way from Dave, accompanied by an ironic selfie of him and Karkat from, Jesus Christ that was a month ago--you turn back to the email in your inbox. This would be the newest one, given the time stamp, which was only an hour ago.

There’s a picture attached, a night shot of New City, near where Roxy and Calliope set up. Roxy’s got the whole selfie thing going, smiling and radiant for the camera, pink eyes sparkling with mischief as she framed the background shot just perfectly.

There’s an orange and green streak across the cityscape, the tall buildings in the distant background, their lit windows shining like a million stars from across the bay. Calliope has her green-suited arms wrapped tightly around their neck, highlighted by feathered wings obviously hitting the end of their orange end of the gradient and starting down the green path. Despite the obvious speed (you can tell from the way Davepeta’s currently green coat is caught mid-whip behind them) the picture is perfectly clear and focused, as if you are looking through a window into an image frozen in time.

Damn she’s good.

wishin’ u were here di-stri. i heard u got out a little. maybe u shuld do it again. liek maybe come out my way next tiem?? ;) we have fun.

You chew on the inside of your lip, studying the picture. The frozen mixture of delight and mild terror on Calliope’s face. The mischief on Roxy’s. You can’t see Davepeta’s even if you zoom in, what with the ever present glow beneath their skin and the glasses currently matching the same orange of their wings. You bet they are having a blast though. How did they manage to talk Calliope into that? You didn’t talk to the cherub much on your own, but you were under the impression she was a skittish thing.

Your hand moves on its own, triggering the sylladex withdrawal on reflex. The feather hums quietly in your hand. It’s fading. The colors duller. Moving slower. But it’s there and it’s a comfort and…

Maybe you should.

You open Pesterchum back up.

TT begins pestering TG

TT: Sorry Ro-Lal, I was buried in work. TT: If you’re free I could probably head out your way tomorrow. I’m at a lull in my projects.

You aren’t, really, but as you’ve been so clearly reminded by the peanut gallery, none of this shit actually matters. And…

You miss Roxy. If you turn down this invitation…

Well, they already stopped coming once, and you let them.

You don’t expect an answer immediately; the carapacian kingdom was a few timezones ahead of your ocean bound kingdom. It’s well into dinner time and you bet she’s a little busy with her guests and being the most kickass hostess of all time.

You barely pull up another project and start studying the design specifications before the window on your shades spring open, searing excited bright pink across your eyeballs.

TG: omg dirk really??? this is going to be awesome!!! Callie and i promised to take ARq and peta out for more shenanignss but oh my gawd thisll be soo much fun! Itll be liek old times! Ull have to keep me updatedf on ur ETA TG: gawd i havent seen you in so long i might just kiss u TG: plonk a big one rite smack dab on each cheek TT: Don’t make me reconsider now, Rox. TT: You know how I feel about smooches, advanced warning or not these cheeks are off limits without applying for a permit. It’s private real estate. TG: nu’uh buster no take backsies!!! U accepted the invitation u gotta put up with the potential of that ill be so overcome with joy at seeing ur face that there’ll be a shower of friendly smooches TG: see u tomorrow <3 TT: Tomorrow, it is Roxy.

You talk a bit more, but Roxy soon excuses herself to do the hosting thing, and you’re left wondering what you’d gotten yourself into.

You’d forgotten Davepeta was traveling with ARquius.

Trapped. Trapped and it’s your own damn fault.

There’s no way you’ll let Roxy down after all that though.

You’ll just have to deal with it when you get there.

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#fictober19 #homestuck #homestuck fanfic #dirk strider #roxy lalonde #earth c fic #a sea with a sky full of diamonds #fic: diamonds #kat's fics #technically still counts as the 5th #tomorrow might not go up till monday tho #I have a paper to write

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kumoriyami-xiuzhen · 5 years

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Hakuoki Hijikata Biyori Track 8 Translations

First post of the month.... sorry its a bit late but i was busy with life....As this is my first post of the month, please support me if you can either on ko-fi (https://ko-fi.com/V7V2W0HO) or through paypal (paypal.me/KumoriYami ).... also let me know if you have any hakuoki drama cds that you’d be willing to share that are on my looking for list since i don’t have the audio for those.....

Anyway (yea, I like this word), I managed to find 2 versions of this translation in Chinese so imma probably compare what i did to the other one later b4 I do a vid... since this was fairly difficult for me to translate this time around as the lack of conversation makes inferring words more than a bit harder. also have i mentioned my dislike of dramas with only one char? will say i prefer monologues>dramas though since I appreciate them more... and since nothing happens in a monologue aside from the conveying of thoughts...

In my opinion, this drama makes very little sense without the audio since Hijikata is the sole speaker... also because there are quite a few odd background noises in the audio but I’ll worry bout that later when I make my srt file.

Enjoy.....? if able to? well it’s on youtube if you search for 土方日和 if you don’t wanna wait (mind i think they’re in connected parts as opposed to separate tracks).... i think i’m going to try to at least do 1 biyori a month minimum.... maybe? who knows.... i haven’t really thought of that since my translation plans are more or less: i want x done within y period and i’ll probably start working on this thingie within z period.... and btw i wanna do x1 now for reasons just because so i’ll be squeezing this in now....

...lol. randomness rules.

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Hakuoki Hijikata Biyori Track 8 Work

Translation by KumoriYami

Hijikata: Then I'm going to be working in my room now. If there are any problems, call me.

(door closes)

...Can finally get to organizing the documents. There's a lot of things that can't/won't be/get done once the room is left.

Okay/Well, first are the letters for Edo [?]. Thanks to the military's financial accommodations [might just be increased financial accommodations?].... Ah, this seems only half written... Why was this left half done.... Ah hahaha, originally this was Shinpachi's! Because Shinpachi suddenly rushed out, really, that guy is always so noisy.

Ahhh.... before writing letters you need to clean up. So.... these papers can't be spread everywhere on the desk.

Ah, need to throw this out....hey, what's this? Why wasn't this sent to the Aizu Domain yet?...

Ahh, what's this/what the hell? It was supposed to be sent... ah, that's right, i remember.

Heisuke was looking for trouble [causing trouble?] so I forgot about it.

Really, Heisuke really still is immature/is immature as before/ever.

Ahh, nothing can be done about it./can't help it.

[I] Need to remember to hand this to the messenger today/ I need to remember to send this today.

Today, Heisuke and Shinpachi are on patrol, so things [/work?] can be done calmly/smoothly.

nn... okay! Roughly finished tidying up. Need to hurry up and finish this work.

But/However, today's weather is really not bad/nice..... anyway/anyhow, there hasn't been time to write haiku lately.

The words of this season... [might just say This season] Nn.... ah... no. need to finish this paperwork first.

ahh, [this is a/made a ] mistake.

...It's so quiet... how rare.

Although there has been an increase in team members, recently it feels that headquarters has become more cramped/narrow.

Ah, no good. now is not the time to waste time. Ah, [this is ] wrong again!

Ah geez/really!

Ah, what's going on... what/what happened! exactly what happened/ what the hell is going on!

Why is it so noisy. Ah? Calling me to go? ...Ha... What's the matter! It's because of this I can't make any progress with my work!

ah, geez.

-fini-

--------------

in other news, i’m half done editing hakuo gakuen ssl track 2′s srt file.... also I seriously believe that I knew way more about the benefits of staying in the EU than the average UK citizen despite not being a citizen of the bloc (i got loooooots of opinions on politics and the environment as someone actively reads about international news. lol. going to limit what i say for the most part though... or at least until i feel the need to vent it all out).

also i’m unlikely to start turning out translations anytime soon (meaning faster now or do more) as im *trying* to put in a bit more time in for music this month...(i’m making progress at least! plus i’m 100% done with everything after Nagakura’s solo in Never Say Goodbye, Forever, and only have 3 main areas to fix on that piece) plus i don’t wanna change the releases i have planned for this month (they’re mainly done for this month though im still editing them right now... and anything aside from what’s planned will be pushed to next month’s schedule for TLs - the next planned post will be superrr long btw).... ugh... maybe i just just do patreon for early access? i’ve got things queued up til mid-october.... oh, and this post won’t be edited since it’s going to be made into a vid anyway... and i don’t wanna revisit this biyori cuz it’s boring -.-.

*sighhhh*

did you know? i like blue.... also im super tired.... still havent edited last month’s stuff since no time........... i’ll do that at the end of this month. -.-

also i (think) found translations for the original six character monologues.... though Saito’s is already translated I believe... so it’s unlikely that i’m going to re-translate that....

#hakuoki #hakuouki #hakuoki drama cd #hijikata biyori #Hijikata Toshizou

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safrona-shadowsun · 5 years

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Borrowed this neat little list from @ask-iraiel.

01. Oldest OC: This would be the departed @lady-handhour, who started off as a human (Gilnean) Warlock character in Vanilla WoW, and my very first heavily Rp’d character. She is now a banshee that is bound to the Ghostlands and surprisingly is still fun and interesting for me to write after all these years.

02. Newest OC: @wraithsongs is my newest character, a Dark Ranger. I haven’t written very much for her or introduced her to RP, her blog just merely aesthetics now, so I haven’t done a lot of advertising, but she will be getting some stand alone stories very soon.

03: Favorite OC: A hard question, as I like something about each character I was inspired to create and develop. My favorite to write for and develop has been @echoesofthelight lately, I think, though who I end up writing/rping for is really influenced on my daily mood and the interest shown in a character by others.

04 Favorite OC Design: I really love sketching out my more supernatural-looking characters, and of them @gravekeeper-anna has been the most fun to play around with. Though she recently had a more darkly whimsical look to her, she’s recently going through some revisions to her design, and its been an interesting challenge to try to put together what she looks like now as I take my group’s Rp contributions into consideration. (Truly some amazing writing occurred and I love the people that support my little forsaken lady so much. )

05 Main Reason for Making OC’s: Rolling a character and developing an OC are two very different things for me, and usually an OC comes out of an idea that haunts me or one that is built through a bridge of stories on one of my already existing characters. Inspiration is a very large motivator for me, and I usually can’t go on playing a toon I create unless they really come alive for me in my mind.

06. Describe Your Character Creating Process: This is probably intertwined a lot with the answer for number 5...it all starts with being inspired by something, being haunted by a concept for days or weeks that I can’t shake. Usually I’ll start writing some the concept, sketch out things for myself, and then I’ll share my ideas with an Rp friend I trust to see if it sounds...well, sound. Then if I’m lucky and confident with my idea, I can see it flourish into stories and Rp, and maybe even more grounded art.

07: Character Ships: The word ‘ship’ has a few meanings for me, as they can mean different types of relationships continuously written with a regular rp partner that for me, revolve around character exploration and development. I currently have a romantically-inclined ‘ship’ between Safrona here and @thefirstperished. On @echoesofthelight I tend to do a lot of character developing with @renwyck’s writer, a platonic relationship. And @roselyn-ravenblade has a mentor/mentee relationtionship with @asharinhun, and she also has a fine friendship building with @natereising.

08: My favorite OC ship has been what has developed between Safrona and @thefirstperished. It was something that was organically Rp’d and a little unexpected, but has been very satisfying. There is a rich intimate exploration into both of our very not normal characters that always pulls me right in and keeps me and Saf both on our toes, or sinking in a sea of feels or even snickering to myself. Throw in there that I just admire The First as an amazingly written character in his own right, I’m just always looking forward to see this deeply bonded relationship develop however the way it does.

09. Weirdest OC: I think the majority of my characters have a little ‘weirdness’ to them, and that is what makes them enjoyable for me to write. I think the weirdest concept I have is my Forsaken Monk at @danseindeath which is possibly too off kilter to even legitimately RP. I love her twisted, violent aesthetic though, so I keep her blog around. That’s where the most disturbing of my inspiration goes, likely.

10. Villains? @danseindeath was supposed to be the most villainous of my roster, but not sure anymore, as I’m not actively writing that character. I honestly have trouble writing a clear hero, or a clear villain. I usually play with moralities, dancing in a grey area. There is always a reason for the things one does. I suppose right now @lady-handhour is my most ‘lawful evil’ of my characters, but on the whole, most consider undead and their motivations to be ‘evil’.

11. Would you consider yourself nice to your OCS? I didn’t used to be. I think I liked writing tragic characters much too much. Many of my characters don’t have great orgins, and some characters, by the gods, did I put them through the wringer. But I’m coming to a point that some of these characters I’ve written for so long falling into pitfall after pitfall of ruin (some ten years rl in running) deserve some positive development for once, or having things work in their favor.

12. An OC you’ve killed (if you havent killed anyone, who would you kill?) Most recently I tried to permanently retire @gravekeeper-anna after the assault on Lordaeron by the Alliance after Teldrassil’s burning with her execution, but some dear writer friends weren’t having that at all, so she is returning, slowly but surely. :) A grateful nod must go to @sanguinesorceress, @duraxxor, @silvertonguedaggermaw and @nixalegos for inspiring her recreation.

13. Are any of your OC’s parents? Safrona has had terrible luck being a parent, but she can remember some semblence of what it felt to have a child, somehow. As can @lady-handhour. @gravekeeper-anna is the a motherly guardian to the Lost of Lordaeron in a way, but right now, it is @wraithsongs that has had a child survive her, and sadly, it probably breaks her brain. Maybe one day one of my characters will get to have a healthy parent-child relationship, who knows?

14. Are there any OC’s you find yourself neglecting? I find I’m neglecting @delaurac a lot mostly because his story has fell flat on its face for me and I think I’ve fallen into making him a punching bag, and I probably don’t want to go that route again with ANOTHER character. Just lack of steady inspiration for me when it comes to Quint.

15. An OC that is difficult to write/draw/rp: That would be Saraj the Ethereal. I have always, always wanted an Ethereal character, but he falls into all those categories of being a highly intelligent, centuries? old entity that I just don’t have enough lore on to a point that I don’t know if I can ever deeply write him, while also being very hard to draw as a space mummy, and being someone that just shows up as cameos for the Courier. I dearly love this character though.

16: Tallest/Shortest OC: Shortest: @roselyn-handhour, tallest is Safrona’s Shivarra, that I sometimes bring in as an IC interation.

17: Oldest and Youngest OCs: Youngest OC is @roselyn-ravenblade in her early-mid twenties and the oldest is Saraj who is...who knows how old Ethereals are.

18: Do you dislike any of your OCs? Well. I wouldn’t ever want to meet @danseindeath in real life, but the idea of her intrigued my horror-appreciating brain.

19: Have you ever made a self-insert? I think there are aspects we identify with or that intrigue us as writers that we put into characters to make them relatable to us and therefore inspire us to write, but I stayed away for a long time from really putting big chunks of my personality into my characters. They were for a long time art that I released into the world, subjects that I subjected to stories, environs, and the impact of other characters on their existences. That changed a little with @roselyn-ravenblade, as I just started writing her half the time with my own reactions in a social environment. And its made her feel more of a real character to me as an effect, and its all kinda amusing.

20: An OC regret: I regret sometimes letting myself get too carried with making characters. I feel like I sometimes don’t have the brain to keep up with them all. Its often a feeling that makes me want to shelf a character, or retire them, but I never can pick who. And then I just feel like I’m giving up on one of my creations.

21: An OC you didn’t expect to be popular: I honestly did not expect Safrona to be so popular. She is a courier. There should have been nothing very interesting about that. She was my very first Tumblr account though, and she’s been around for a time here, and I was fairly active in having her interact with people. Am still a little stunned at the follower count she has, and moreover that it isn't dropping. I don't feel she is as popular with people now despite all this, just an old account and characterization I haven't shelved. This of course does not wither my massive love and gratitude for those that have written with Saf, ever liked her posts or reblogged, complimented and supported this character somehow. Just still pleasantly surprised.

22: An OC you didn’t expect to love: Many years ago, there was this gnomish warlock I knew in Vanilla Wow that really grew on me that I cant even remember the name of. He completely stuttered through his every word consistently, and while reading his text may have been annoying to some, I just appreciated the time he put into his characterization so much and how well he was rp'd with anyone and everyone that any group rp function we ever had felt a little empty if he was not attending. He is probably the reason for near automatically loving gnome rpers when I see/read about them. Strangely, I never really had a good gnome character that I could think of rping myself.

#ooc #OC prompt meme

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zealusts-blog · 5 years

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❛ ⋆ ․˙✰ nora grace nguyen is graduating in a month with plans to attend harvard in the fall to study law and political science. four years complete and she’s leaving the hamptons being remembered as the zealous, which makes perfect sense considering how articulate, venturesome, pugnacious, and unpredictable she is. that title landed them the senior class superlative of most likely to be arrested for organizing a sit- in protest at the local kill shelter. you’ll know they’re around when you hear hierarchy - cailin russo coming from a car this summer. speaking of summer, i hear their plans are to spend it doing a part-time internship at a law firm. morning coffee and afternoon boba, shiba cuddles, sitting in during public court cases, and plaid skirts with oversized knit sweaters.

hello it me ellie (she/her/hers pronouns) and this is nora! i havent done an intro or been in a rp in 10 years so please excuse this post if its awkward n stuff im cringing just writing this bc i forgot how awkward an intro post is like wow... ANYWAYS! i’m vv excited to b here and rp with u guys, love u guys, b here w u guys, all that nice cute stuff w u guys!!!

u can read nora’s stats here and learn more about her here but like that page is really long n lengthy so i’m gonna some her up for u guys as best as i can but if its gets long n lengthy too pls forgive me thank u im trying

her family is wealthy bc of their role in pharmacy work. their family owns a couple pharmacies (mainly in new york, new jersey, n rhode island) and has some investments in other companies as extra money

theyre wealthy and could stop working for like maybe 10 years if they pleased, but the nguyens dont rest and thats y nora’s parents are absent alot

bc her parents r absent since theyre always working, nora had to grow up faster to b independent and also raise her younger sister, daisy jane

shes mature but only bc asian parents love handing off parenting duties to their eldest daughter and that happens to b nora! it’s only two of them but still she gave up part of her childhood to p much raise daisy jane on her own despite her parents being alive n healthy

shes a big time activist and feminist and is very upfront about how she feels about certain things and about policies and regulations she thinks should b changed/fixed/removed/etc.

her dream is harvard and thats been her only dream and plan since she was born. her parents gave it to her and she’s never changed it bc (1) her parents r strict n (2) she craves their acceptance and wants to make them proud and if it means listening to what they want from her then she’ll do it

shes v open about what she believes in and will talk about it and will also fight for it.

shes always willing to fight someone and have a debate over anything like it’s more fun for her if its something surrounded politics or stuff going on around the world but also if u wanna argue about how people who aren’t lactose intolerant are abnormal then she’ll b a square bc its literally not normal for ur body to still b able to breakdown lactose enzymes

shes somewhere in the top 10/15 of the entire class, but shes worked hard to get where she is. studying doesnt come easy to her and she doesnt have photographic memory. she feels really dumb bc of that and hates how she has like... work to get the grade bc she wishes she was smart n could read the textbook once and get it but shes not wired like that n so a bitch struggles w that n feeling like shes not as smart as her parents want her to b n it doesnt help that her parents let her know that

shes v sarcastic n argumentative and funny and sometimes sexual but she’d never act on those sexual things she says shes an innocent n too shy to b upfront like that u feel

like she never deters from an argument n hates losing but if u say something too sexual for her n make an initiative to do it then she’ll back down n shy away like thats the only way u can win an argument w her otherwise she’ll keep pulling shit out of her ass until she wins or u call some truce (but in nora’s mind she won bc who backs away from a fight? hm not her!)

nora struggles talking about her feelings and will literally not talk about deep shit about herself like ya she’ll voice her opinions n fight for it n shit but if u wanna talk about her parent’s incoming divorce, her academic struggles, her need for her parents acceptance, n shit like that then good luck trying to make her talk n shit bc she wont unless ur close to her and have her 100% complete trust

this is already long and im blanking on what to include bc idk whats important important about nora that i need to include here but! feel free to read the tidbits page for her u’ll get to know nora better n know lil like... things about her like hades, veganisms, protests, driving, etc.

i’m also a slut for plots so if u wanna plot with me for ur chara and nora then please reply to this with a word or something so i know and i’ll come to u!! id tell u guys to like this post n then i’ll come to u but sometimes im not sure if people r liking the post so its like.. an acknowledgment or bc they actually wanna plot idk if that makes sense pls help me?? ANYWAYS below r some connection ideas that i thot would b cool for nora aha x

neighbors!

(1) theyre friendly and hung out a lot bc u kno neighbors n its easy to go to each others houses. the person would also b friends w nora’s little sister daisy jane bc when theyre home and nora is on parent duty she n daisy jane r a duo

(2) theyre not friendly n they cant stand each other we love a good notp! we can expand more on this if ur interested but rn my mind is blanking

childhood besties:

(1) maybe things went sour and now theyre enemies like maybe its a betrayal or something but like! besties for the resties to besties for never r always so beautiful im a slut for those type of connections

(2) things didnt go sour but they just drifted and now theyre kinda awkward but try really hard for it to not b awkward?? they knew each other like the back of their hands and now theyre kinda like?? r u still the same or did u change?? whats up whats happening???

one sided crush: nora could have a crush on them thats ongoing or is new, but its just a crush and nora actually acting on it is so so rare like she’ll punch someone for saying some racist shit to her but will cry if someone forces her to shoot her shot

(1) maybe the person knows and teases her for it n nora hates them for it but is also like :) but also :( u feel like does that even make sense?

(2) the person doesnt kno n is kinda just like what the fuck y is nora so timid n shy around me when she just decked a guy for blatantly littering at the beach and saying the beach should b more trash cans if they didnt want people littering

enemies!

friends!

tutor: maybe a tutor?? like nora isnt dumb and shes not failing like she’s in the top 10 of the class but that doesnt mean she’s the smartest person and not struggling trying to keep her grades up. having someone she can study with n can like. help her would b really good for her

(1) twist is that it could b secretive bc maybe nora doesnt want people knowing that she has a tutor or that the person tutoring her is her tutor for whatever reason. again i can expand on this if ur interested!!!!

bad influence: someone to get her to wild n out n like tell her to forget her parents n responsibilites n shit. maybe make her hoe it out so she can stop getting cold u feel what im saying?? idk if u do im literally just rambling at this point im so sorry

i’m out of connection ideas rn but! if none of these r interesting enough for u then we can do something else like if u have a connection u want filled or like??? we can just think of something else that’ll b more fitting im down for anything n everything

#intro #✘.:｡ but my mom said it was big — OOC⌋#hello i tried this is so long n wordy im so so sorry

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postmastered · 5 years

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Sanders Shovels - Shovel Knight AU

i havent worked on this in months hA but i finally jotted down some things and bada bing bada boom were done babeyyy lets get into it

Logan Wenn - Plague Knight

very very book smart, but like, what's social interaction again????

likes blowing stuff up

disaster shorty

spooky raven aesthetic

can only tolerate virgil

Safety? Who's she? Never heard of her.

small gay

color codes potions, alphabetized his supply stock

really good at bartending as a result (not something he does often, mind you)

wears a plague doctor mask and a hood to hide his identity

has a prosthetic arm

Virgil Ware - Mona

will never EVER let go of his cloak

logan tried helping him sew patches on it, but he sucks at sewing, so virgil took care of it himself, appreciating the sentiment

gothic castle-y aesthetic

helps logan make potions and organizes beakers by size

takes care of the "little guys" (minions)

average height

still a lot taller than logan tho

lives in town, her room underground leads to an even deeper level, the Explodatorium, where he works with Lo to make potions

provides adult supervision

"logan, you need adult supervision"

"Virgil, i am an adult."

"mm yeah sure now eat your apple slices"

logan hurled a potion at him because of this incident and stormed off

eventually came back and apologized, pretending like he didnt cry

logan dont like bein treated like a child

virgil can bake, he makes a bunch of the recipes he uses himself

average gay

Patton Wye - Polar Knight

6'10-ish idk

has a snow shovel he loves dearly

"her name is shelly!!!!!!"

likes snowball fights

And also snow

and ice

makes popsicles and ice cream

has a cow named terracotta

big boy. wide. good for hugs. bear man.

almost every aspect of him makes roman want to cry

"roman!!!!!!! hi!!!!!!!!! its me!!!!!!! patton!!!!!!!!"

"*sobbing uncontrollably* h-hi pat...."

"roman???!?!?!? r u ok??!?!?!?!? what happen??!?!?!?!!?!?"

massive bean

can and will pick up all his friends

hagrid but colder

VERY BIG GAY

Roman Howe - King Knight

Roman, but more extra

his castle is made of solid gold

has a sparkly scepter

wears a crown for every occaision

if patton sits on the couch by himself he will crawl over and cling to patton and then Patton is just there like "huh. guess i cant move sorry virgil go stop logan from blowing up the fridge yourself pal"

very clingy

pat pat is very warm despite being in the cold constantly and roman is a cold boy despite being in the heat all the time

saunters and/or sashays

We dont walk in this household

wears heels

slightly below average height

VERY GAY

Declan Watt - Tinker Knight

shortiest shorty to ever shorty

made a giant robot to make him taller

stays up way too late

fixes Remy's propellers and Emile's submarine constantly because they kEEP BREAKING

tired

his boyfs are there to help tho dw

stress city usa

handyman

smells like oil. stinky boy.

demi child

Remy Hew - Propeller Knight

Flappy boy

fucking adores swords

"Oh, gurl, the hilt, goddamn that's gorgeous wait lemme see the blade- BABE IS THIS FUCKING CLAY-TEMPERED?????"

if an enemy has a sword he will geek about it for hours dont test him

he'll still fight them, but compliment it while fighting

if the sword they have is sub par he will get them a new one

his boyfs think its cute

his propellers break too often for it to not seem suspicious

"dee? babe? one of my propellers broke again..."

he does not break them to get declan to pay attention to him i promise

emile is happy to give him as much attention as he so desires if declan is busy

turns into a pile of flying mush when emile gushes about him

disaster bi

Emile Picani - Treasure Knight

"Ooh! Shinyyyy...."

almost cried when he saw roman's castle for the first time

knows too much about gems for it to be normal

does his best to protect his boyfs and stop his submarine from breaking down too much cause fixing it puts dee out of commission for a year or two

Keeps the Iron Whale in tip top shape

ocean boy. splish splash.

very good swimmer

loves seafood

remy can cook fish and nothing else

good for emile, but sucks for dee, the boye lives off vegetables and nothing else

pan

Nathan Lukas - Mole Knight

Lil gossip goblin

lonely :(

goofs about rocks with emile tho

sometimes they hang out together

ace/aro bean

values his platonic relationships like he values his life

Toby Ross- Specter Knight

Ghosts!!!!!!

Zombies!!!!!!!

CONSPIRACIES!!!!!!!!

legitimately raises the dead

Nate is his best chum

Grows roses

and other plants

made his clothes himself

dont trust that many peeps tbh

himself and virgil both have a Gothic Aesthetic they bond over

Lone wolf

Virgil held his scythe once and told toby he felt like his soul almost got stolen

toby laughed and said "good thing i dont have one!"

lives for spookin people

plays the organ

K thats all hmu if ur interested in any way lol

also i have to credit @spectralheartt for the name and also for humoring me like four months ago about this idea :)

#royality #analogical #sanders shovels au #remy x emile x deceit #logan wenn #virgil ware #patton wye #roman howe #remy hew #declan watt #nathan lukas #toby Ross #emile picani

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scripttorture · 5 years

Note

(1) i'm writing a story about a kid (under 13, havent decided exactly how young), who undergoes a horrible though mostly unintended period of psychological torture, set in northern Russia in the 13th-14th century. They're the youngest child of the local Lord, and their town gets invaded. Once the dust has settled, their family is brought up on a stage and all the commoners and servants are made to watch in silence as the family is tortured via slow dismemberment, then killed.

(2) The child is basically in a position where they have to serve the people that did this and maintain their disguise, or they will have the same done to them. At one point they are accused of theft and are given the punishment of that time and place- cutting off a finger. Beyond that there's no direct, intentional physical harm done to them. After several years, the invading force leaves and it becomes safe for the surviving child to come out of hiding.(3) What sort of effects could i expect them to have after the torture and trauma? Currently I have them as being so afraid of speaking giving away their identity that they've gotten selective muteness, and once it becomes safe to come out of hiding giving up their former title due to fear of becoming a target. I'm looking for stuff both during the ongoing trauma and afterwards, and i want to do it justice!

Thisall sounds possible.

Idon’t know anything about Russia during that period so I can’tcomment on whether these particular attacks fit the place and period.

Ialso don’t know much about childhood development. The majority ofthe accounts I have are from adults. And while the same symptomseffect children and adults the expression of those symptoms can bedifferent.

ScriptTraumaSurvivorshas a post here on age appropriate expression of trauma symptoms.

GenerallyI tend to stress that witnessing traumatic events doesn’t alwayscause trauma symptoms, but given all the other circumstancessurrounding this I think you’re right, it’s highly likely thischaracter would be extremely traumatised. They’ve lost theirfamily, witnessed horrible things and lived for years in a constantstate of fear and threat. Long term psychological effects areextremely likely.

I’dsuggest you don’t refer to that as psychological torture becausewell- that’s a phrase a lot of torture apologists tend to use torefer to things like starvation, sleep deprivation and stresspositions, which leave no obvious external scars but do cause a lotof physical damage. It’s a phrase that tends to get used to dismissor belittle physical tortures by implying they’re ‘only’psychological.

Iunderstand why that’s the phrase you reached for here though and Idon’t think you’re downplaying what the character goes through.Just- be aware of how that phrase is often used.

Iget asked about muteness or refusing to talk sporadically. Thereisn’t really a way to purposefully inflict it and from everythingI’ve read it seems to be a rare symptom. But you do occasionallyget survivors who stop talking for a period of time. And the wayyou’re describing this it seems as though you’re treating hisrefusal to talk is part of an underlying set of symptoms rather thanthe symptom itself. Which I think works.

I’malso getting the impression that you approach writing symptoms quitedifferently to the way I do. There’s absolutely nothing wrong withthat: we all have different ways of writing and I honestly think themost unhelpful writing advice is the sort which sets out to changehow someone writes.

Rightnow you’ve got a set of behaviours but not necessarily an explicitset of symptoms.

Nowyou don’t necessarily needto come up with an explicit set of symptoms to do this justice, butit might help guide you through how the character’s mental healthproblems change with time.

Atthe moment it sounds as though the main mental illness you’reportraying is anxiety (though you could possibly also write whatyou’re describing as hypervigilance or depression). That in turn isleading to social isolation as the character avoids or cuts himselfoff from other people.

Ithink that’s a pretty good starting point. The symptoms have beentied to both the character and each other in a way that feelsnatural.

Myinstinct is that given everything going on here another underlyingmental health problem might be a good idea. Given the character’sage, the setting and the other symptoms I think insomnia, learningdifficulties or memory problems could all work well.

Insomniaexacerbates pre-existing mental health problems and you could usenightmares as a way of tying this to the other symptoms.

Learningdifficulties would probably be a little more subtle as they might bedismissed as inexperience or a product of the character’s age butthat subtlety could also make them easy to work into the story. Theother symptoms clearly establish that the character hasserious long term symptoms and that means you have space to includeless ‘obvious’ ones.

Irecommend memory problems pretty often because they’re incrediblycommon in real life but rarely depicted well in fiction. They’realso often not acknowledged in the real world, despite having amassive impact on survivors’ lives.

I’vegot a Masterpost on the most common types and how they work here.

Giventhe story you’re telling I don’t think memory loss orinaccurate/false memories would be a good fit.

Butforgetfulness might well be: the character could easily use that asanother ‘reason’ why he ‘has’ to step down, believing himselfto be incapable or unsuitable. Intrusive memories could also be avery good fit and could feed in to his other symptoms. Writing wisethere’s the ‘danger’ of including too many flash backs toparticular awful moments, robbing these moments of their power. Butthis can be overcome quite easily by stressing the feelings thememory evokes rather than the details of the moment in itself.

Loopingback to the main part of the question- The ‘right’ way to handleany of this going forward is going to depend on the story.

Whilethe character is still in danger there may well be worse moments andbetter moments but he’s not going to make any real progress towardshealing while he’s still effectively a prisoner. This doesn’tnecessarily mean his symptoms will be constantly getting worse. Itwould be perfectly normal for them to reach a point and plateau.

Recoveryafterwards isn’t something survivors do in isolation. He’d need asupport network which he currently doesn’t seem to have. That couldmean that part of his recovery process is buildingtrusting and healthy relationships with others.

Giventhe time period and place the church could play quite a large role inhis recovery. Priests, monks, nuns (and anchoresses but I’m unsureif Russia had them) all played roles in communal mental health. NowI’m sure the quality of this help varied widely from place to placeand person to person but there’s nothing wrong with you choosingthat your character has access to better quality help.

Hislack of support network means that recovery would take longer andthere’d probably be a period where he’s at quite high risk ofharm. That doesn’t necessarily mean attack by others or self harm.Severe mental illnesses can make it difficult for a person to takecare of themselves.

Forinstance he might have days when he’d rather go hungry or cold thengo out among other people and get food or firewood. That’s the kindof time when having a support network is a huge material help.Linking back to the church idea I think it could be plausible to havelocal religious figures attempt to help in this kind of practicalway, leaving food or firewood. Other characters close to the survivorcould also fill this kind of role.

Recoveryis slow and it is rarely linear. Even if someone is generally gettingbetter they can still have incredibly bad days or weeks.

Andas people recover they often find that aspects of their mentalillness seem to change. For instance if someone has severe depressionit’s not uncommon for them to start feeling more anxious/overemotional as the depression eases.

That’spart of why I think trying to figure out the underlying illnessbehind these behaviours is helpful. It can give you an idea of how tohave those behaviours change in ways that are organic and realistic.

Goingwith the idea that the character’s major illness is anxiety- Thephysical symptoms can include shaking, nausea, heart palpitations,chest pain and generally feeling like you’re having an adrenalinerush most of the time.

Somepeople have speech difficulties when they’re having an anxietyattack. That can include difficulty taking in what people are sayingand difficulty communicating clearly (though it doesn’t stopspeech). Things like repeating the same short answer a couple oftimes. Sometimes it means giving a reflexive ‘answer that will getrid of the person’ rather than an accurate answer.

Anxietycan drive people to withdraw from others, especially if their anxietyis triggered by others. Things like stepping away from people duringconversation and struggling with crowds or confined spaces canhappen.

Itcan also be difficult to sleep, which in turn makes other symptomsworse.

Depressioncan make people feel tired all the time, while also making itdifficult to fall asleep or sleep well. It can make eating difficult.It tends to mute sensation and can leave people feeling numb.

Itcan get in the way of positive interaction with other people indifferent ways. One of the things I hear people describing most oftenis difficulty engaging. When all of someone’s emotional energy isgoing on holding themselves together sparing some for other people isincredibly difficult.

Ihave a post about solitary confinement that may help you get a graspon the effects of isolation. Keep in mind that solitaryconfinement is much more extreme then the vast majority of cases ofsocial isolation. The effects on your character probably wouldn’tbe this bad. But it could help give you an idea of the way this kindof isolation effects people and how it feels.

Itend to approach recovery quite organically. For me it’s anextension of both the character and their symptoms- the logicalconclusion of the situation the story posits. But that’s because Itend to write symptoms in a way that’s very rooted in the characterand I tend to write very instinctually.

Ifyou’ve got a more analytical approach then breaking symptoms downmight help.

Onceyou know what conditions the character has (rather than just thebehaviours) you can start to tie those behaviours to particularaspects of his mental illnesses. That in turn helps you figure outhow he might recover.

Let’stake his difficulty speaking for a moment and assume that the rootcause of that is anxiety. He probably knows that ‘fear’ is thecause of this. He probably feels less afraid on a daily basis afterthe invading force leaves. And that could lead to him finding it alittle easier to speak again.

Buthe might not understand why he keeps getting chest pains. Or why hefeels ‘afraid’ when in a crowd of people he knows are ‘harmless’.

Ifhe, and everyone else, focused on the biggested most obviousbehavioural problems he had then there’s likely a lot of thingsthat slipped under the radar. That were too small to comment on atthe time or that everyone assumed would stop when the invaders left.This can be a pretty effective way to approach how symptoms canchange and how it can catch a character off guard.

Anotherapproach is thinking about what a character currently can’tdo and when in the story they needto do that particular thing. Then think about what needs to change,environmentally or emotionally, for the character to be capable ofthat action.

Sometimesyou can only really get them half-way there and then find yourselfputting together a creative work-around. That’s OK. That can add toa story and be an interesting break from typical tropes.

Recoveryis a slow process of learning to deal with symptoms in healthierways. And incidentally virtually every mentally ill person I’veknown has had moments of expressing things like ‘But I should beover this’ ‘But I should be able to deal with this’ ‘But Ishould be better by now’.

Fromthe sounds of things you’ve put a lot of thought into both thecharacter and that process already. You are doing a good job. Keep atit and I think you’ll have an excellent story.

Ihope this helps. :)

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

#tw torture #tw scars #scarring torture #historical torture #historical fiction #writing victims #mental health #recovery #social isolation #Russia #memory #cosmofex

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musubiki · 6 years

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Got any hcs for white? Her starter, her journey, etc? And like. Fws hcs?? 👀👀👀

K HERE WE GO MY SECOND FAVORITE GIRL EVER(this is gonna be long bc. i like them too)

➞

white chose tepig as her starter. this is actually a GREAT match because Gus is really rash and hasty and stubborn fist fighter just like her

white has never lost a battle. that was her goal it was never really to become champion or anything (she didnt care for all the responsibility that came with it) her goal was to be undefeated. which did not bode well for cheren, who wanted to be champion, and lost every battle against her

“well this is discouraging”

she really loves bianca!!! and cheren!!!!! she has the least patience and sense out of the three. cheren has to keep her grounded so she doesnt do weird shit

white is physically the strongest out of the protags. its mysterious. she als o has the best hair

when she first meets N he is. a creep. im sorry. even i see it like that when you first meet him hes weird. when she first hears the team plasma speech in the first town, shes like boiling already. why would anyone listen to the knights of the round table?! this is weird. she kicks N’s ass first battle.

her problem from here on out and throughout the journey is that. she was the opposite of N. she thought that everyone treated their pokemon nicely and no one could ever hurt a pokemon. she learned she was wrong fairly quickly, and tried to fix and embrace reality instead of N, who tried to change the world all at once.

this is why shes the hero of truth and hes the hero of ideals.

i dont have a lot of solid hc interactions between them (mostly bc i havent played in a while jfklas i abandoned my boy) but throughout their journey they. actually talk. and argue. and they both equally learn things from each other. and despite him being kinda weird (she thinks) shes actually kinda concerned for him

he makes her think about things she wouldnt otherwise. not just the fate of pokemon but about the future and the whole world. because of him she actually has this moment, where she has all of her current team out. and she realises that she is, like what he says and just makes her pokemon fight. of course and loves and cares for them, and she just. asks them real solemly like. “Do you guys even want to fight? Like do you even like being here?”

and she already decided that if any of them didn’t want to be there, she would let them go.

luckily, her whole team is full of pokemon just like her and they enjoy the fights, and the adventure, and spending time with her, and shes thrilled. after this she asks pokemon she catches that she wants to keep if they wanna stay with her

i love N a lot ok. whenever N talks to white she always says something that surprises him and makes him look at the world differently. eventually he finds himself actually seeking her out and deliberatly looking for chances to run into her. he gains a lot of respect for her. whenever he talks to her he takes his hat off and nervoulsy kinda. holds it in his hands and shes kinda “?”

when she first finds out hes king. of team plasma. shes pissed. shes ready to TIP TH DAMN CART THING IN THE FERRISHWEEL AND HAVE A FIGHT RIGHT THERE. HES TELLING HER TO CALM DOWN AND SHES LIKE HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO REACT??????????????

shes angry bc hes the king of this. horrible orginization. and as far as shes seen all they do is steal and abuse pokemon. the next few times she talks to him he tells her that theyre nothing like that, and that they only look after pokemon

this is actually true. some of the grunts fully believe in the true cause. but most of them follow ghetsis. and N has no idea that his grunts are actually abusing and stealing (i keep thinking about the dreamyard because that scene was what the fuck????a re you doing????)

she begins to realize this. that he has no idea. and that he actually believes in this cause. and as she gets to know him she realises he is. the purest person. and he has no idea. and she feels kinda bad bc she was kinda mean to him before, but hes still plasma so shes confused about how she should treat him because he always treats her and her pokemon pretty nicely.

N is actually a very nice and gentle soul. he’ll put up a fight for sure, but especially towards white hes the sgtwytwytws weetest thing im sorry i have a soft spot for him. lowkey he wants her approval.

if youve ever seen miraculous ladybug, i imagine N to be kind of like adrien(without the chat side to him) like hes just. nice. and gentle and. cute.

i hc that they have way more interactions than the game gives you

the best thing theyve ever had together was this celebration in Iccirus city (similar to like…the 4th of july kinda thing..) and whites pretty alone. cherena and bianca are off doing Arceus knows what and shes like. alone. and she finds N outside the city with some pokemon.

so she goes and talks to him. questions why hes out here all alone in like, the cold. shouldnt you be with your family or something? its a holiday. and she caught him off gaurd and he immedatly like stands up and hes kinda happy to see her. he doesnt question why but hes. happy. when shes around.

he tells her his father never really cared for these kinds of celebrations anyway, and that he usually spends these kinds of days alone. he doesnt think this is a big deal but whites kinda,.. lonely too. so she proposes “Listen, no one should be alone today. And I don’t really have anyone to hang out with either, so what do you say we just, forget about the sworn enemies thing for the night and go have some fun or something”

and hes. surprised. here she goes again. always saying something new and pleasent and hes. like beaming hes so cutnhejfje so he agrees.

and this turns into. a pretty great night for them both actually. like they actually get along great when theyre not arguing about the future of unova. they play a lot of booth games and.

hdj white loses at one of those ball tossing games(she usually loses and then harasses the booth guy with “Booo its rigged” but she just likes to have fun) and N. is determined. he fuckin. calculates wind direction and all this weird shit and gets. a record high score and shes like how the fuck did you do that. he smiles and answers its all in the wrist.

he gets her some stuffed animal thing. shes like this is the best day ever shes thrilled. they go and get food and like by the end of the night theyre actually. like friends. and she didnt think this would happen but she actually likes hanging out with him. at some point she wins a seashell necklace that she wears for the timeskip outfit

so theyre sitting there at the edge of the festival whatever eating caramel popcorn and ice cream and hot dogs laughing and telling stories about weird people theyve met and crazy things theyve done.

and they talk about his family. and why hes with plasma in the first place. and where her parents are. and why they believe in the things that they say and do. it turns out theyre both orphans. the only difference between them is that hes alone

at some point (i forget how this comes up) he asks white if theyre friends. she pauses for a while because she doesnt know how to answer it. yes, she thinks, when she’s with him like this. when she forgets that hes leading a region-wide organization aiming to seperate people and pokemon. but she settles with a yes, and jokingly adds that if they were destined to be mortal enemies they could hang out more, and he smiles

she spots a pair of plasma grunts, looks like theyre doing some shady things, but her head flashes back to the conversations shes had with N. he doesnt know what his grunts do. so she tells him to stay there and she’ll be back. hes kind of confused and worried, so he follows her from a distance.

she follows the grunts into a cave/grotto/area. yep, here they are abusing some poor purrloins or something, trying to get something that ghetsis claims he needs. she has her stountland right beside her and angrily questions what they think theyre doing.

when they snarkily and confidently answer that they do whatever they want, she asks why theyre even a part of team plasma at all if theyre gonna treat pokemon like this. she tells them to go join team rocket if theyre looking for business like that. N is outside listening to all of this

they say something like “You think this about money?” and she asks what else and they answer “This is about power. We don’t give a damn about freeing pokemon for justice! When all the pokemon are gone plasma will reign supreme!!”

she clutches her pokeball. shes pissed. not just because, these fuckers got issues, but because they are deliberatly. disobeying N, and everything he stands for. so she tells them to get out of there before they end up regretting it. they laugh and tell her they dont even listen to their own King, why would they listen to her.

(white is a huge badass by the way. shes the more hardcore and probably coolest protag)

then N steps in and they. fall silent. and they are terrified. the stutter and stammer about how it was all a misunderstanding, and it wasnt their fault, and they didnt mean it, and every excuse they could come up with but N. is kind of like leaf in this sense because he is. angry. but his anger comes off cold and heartless and man he is cool.

so they, because they know theyre screwed already, decide that they wont take this shit anymore and challenge them to a fight. figure if they manage to beat N, maybe they could rule plasma instead. (this is my excuse to get N and White to double battle) and they rock. theyre the perfect tag team. truely the two sides of the same coin

when theyre defeated. N forces them to release their pokemon and they run away, never to show their faces to plasma again. They stand there in silence for a while, and N asks “Why did you tell me not to stay there?”

shes quiet for a while before answering “Because…you believe in what you do” and “I didn’t want you to see the worst of what was going on.”

he thanks her for her concern, and tells her not to think like that, because now he finally sees what shes been trying to tell him about plasma, and maybe he can do something about it now that he knows. ignorance is never bliss, he adds, and she knows hes right. she just didnt want him to be hurt, she thinks

she asks what hes going to do, and he answers he’d try to weed out whatever corruption was in plasma. he hopes what the grunts say wasnt true, and that this was just a small mutiny, not rooting from the very top.

FYI SHES NOT SUPPORTING PLASMA at this point she still hates plasmas ass for doing what they do, but shes seen now the way some trainers treat their pokemon (in and out of plasma) and she thinks that if this cause was done right, it would help the world a lot

unfortunaly N is a fool lol and wants to liberate ALLLL THE DAMN POKEMON.

ofc after this. ghetsis goes and. poisons his mind again with how shes a fool and shes trying to manipulate you and why would you doubt your own father. and right after this N. becomes the hero of ideals and they become worse enemies than theyve ever been. she becomes the hero of truth and he smiles because suddenly. everything makes sense. why hes always so happy to be around her. why it feels like she completes him despite all their differences and he. loves her he just doesnt know it

and she knows for a fact that ghetsis is behind all of this but because N is the king, she has to go through him first.

and she really cares for N. she actually ends up realising after he leaves that yeah, she pretty much loved him. and she hates his ass for leaving. so she goes to chase him down because cheesy as it is, these two are literally soulmates. they both acknowledge that meeting and growing with the other has made them better and stronger people and white refuses to let that go.

(i love their story and dynamic)

i dont have a set reuniting scene for them yet, the only one i have is.,.,. a part of that other story im lowkey working on..,.,. but she slaps him thats for sure LOL. hes like a puppy hes so happy to see her again hes like “White!!” and shes. PISSED. she has tears in her eyes and CATCH THESE HANDS. leaf and green are probably there and theyre like WHOA WHAT

green actually relates to white bc of this bc yeah, i waited for like 3 years for the love of my life too

#long post #REALLY LONG POST #im sorry mobile users #anon #ask #headcanons #ferriswheelshipping

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

Text

tfw hating life enough for a reeadmooore

‪yesterday afternoon i’d blocked out 3 pgs in my sketchbook & by that night i was thinking like well i’m so close to finished the sketchbook finally (ive been using it about a yr and a half by now) that i could just stop drawing when i hit the end there‬

but i’d mentioned the impending end of my sketchbook space a friend is already in the process of sending over some they havent ever used so that will at least mean if i stop drawing it’ll just have to be because i want to lol

like in this case it’s special b/c of course i’ve had periods where i’m like smh what if i just don’t draw anymore, but that’s tended to be about being frustrated w some element or other of it all. this time it was mostly just that every day of my life i have a tiny bit less motivation or energy or etc. yesterday i was thinking all day about offing myself, which i’d done the day before, and done today too

like, it’s nothing new, i’ve been hating being alive and wanting to kms and only moving in the direction of less disappointment to more disappointment and having to care less about things i previously cared about because for one reason or another things get to a point where it only adds frustration to my life anymore

but despite depression and wanting to die and life being miserble all being Not New, that doesn’t mean that it doesnt matter anymore, because after day after day after day after day after day of it for years and years, you’re in a worse place than you were a while back, even if you do feel the same. even a single day of wishing you were dead the whole time is shitty enough. feeling overall like even if you’re in a good mood now, you know your life is trash and you’re going to go back to feeling bad soon, is also shitty enough

like the thing that drawing had going for me is that, like reading and writing sometimes and even some other shit, it’s something i like to do. i do it for myself, really. but it helps that its the way i trick ppl into being here in the first place to see anything i’m talking about. i have really crap appeal. i mean i’m bad at being appealing thru shit i draw, but it’s still way more of something anybody wants vs like five yrs worth of my text posts. like...i have over 10x more followers than i did on a blog where i rarely drew anything ever

but anyways despite me drawing b/c i enjoy it, i enjoy enjoying things less. always in the middle of that “loss of interest in pleasure” life lol.......it doesn’t really matter how long i do or don’t keep drawing, b/c i mean, it doesn’t much matter to me whether i’m having fun or not. i can be enjoying drawing and still wanting to die, because that’s whats happening lol.....nothing that’s a personal factor of my life is all that important to me, because my personal existence is not that important to the person living it

also it sure hasnt helped that my sense of things like whether my life can get better or i’ll have the opportunity to pursue my nonexistent dreams or live an ideal version of my life that also doesn’t exist are all at all-time lows and only just getting lower day by week by month by year. the only way i can even look at cheering myself up is from a day-to-day perspective. and i can have a slightly more fun day than usual and then be extra down on the very next day b/c of how being a bit less numb means you’re crap-feeling emotions are now game too. and i’m very aware of how, if you’re not in a position that insulates you enough, if things get worse for you, that makes “things getting worse for you” more likely, and it’s an exponential drop that gets harder and harder to climb out of, and even if you move back up a notch out of good luck, you’re still just as likely to be knocked back down to where you were. the odds of me suddenly not only not fucking hating being alive but also having a life that doesnt fucking make me hate being alive? that’s a funny joke

‪also it’s frustrating that whether i feel good or miserable on any given day only really exists if i say something about it in a post like this lol... like i might feel awful one day but if i dont have it in me to spend ages writing about it, which is difficult also b/c putting feelings into words where ppl will only fully Get It if they’ve felt that way too, anyways if i dont write about how shitty i feel and post it then maybe later on when i’m feeling a little better or feeling a different kind of shitty, i also won’t be interested in being like “oh btw i felt awful the other day.” and if i don’t mention it, as far as everyone in the world knows, it was never a thing that happened, so it might as well not have. i mean, as a person i might as well not be happening, especially since i don’t want me to be happening lol‬

and like i was saying to someone the other day, its a lot harder via text to talk about shit b/c like, if you’re with a friend in person, you can talk abt boring or silly things and its easy and makes a good conversation. whereas talking via twitter means it would be clunky and time consuming to layout exactly had empty and depressing my existence is, and silly shit isn’t even worth the energy when you’re having a convo w lengthy gaps in it, so you can only really talk about the broadest, most interesting shit. which i don’t have much of, oh well

i do like talking and talking to people actually, it’s just rough when it’s all a few ppl online, even though i alsp extremely appreciate those people and enjoy the talking. it’s like, chatting to ppl online is like a piece of chocolate cake. it’s delicious and you love it, but it would be amazing if it was the extra bonus on top of getting solid meals every day, instead of it being the only thing you have to eat and you get it maybe once or twice a week and it’s still wonderful and is all the more valuable for it, but it isnt the same as getting enough to eat always, or Knowing you’ll keep getting enough to eat

anyways my social life is always its own special kind of depressing, even when i AM in the same place as friends. you’d have a hard time finding a situation where the concept of What I Have To Say seems interesting or even relevant to other ppl. and im not sure i’ve ever been in groups where i feel totally comfortable with everyone there and don’t feel out of place. so talking about the idea of knowing you always have access to someone to talk to or be with in person or having friends who you know you can hang out with and they actually like you and you still expect to have them a few yrs down the road—all that’s always been a “well, in theory i mean” or “at least, i imagine it would be like that” issue for me

tbh i generally feel the most comfortable enjoying myself when i do something alone; maybe it’s because i have more experience of ppl im around treating me really shittily than treating me well

ohhhhhh wellllllllllllllll what else do i have to talk about. hmmm the fact that feeling like i wanna die only seems to be regarded as an issue of “well are you gonna or not,” aka if you havent its a Victory and a happy situation instead of it being a matter of EVERY DAY I’M A CONSCIOUS ORGANISM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION FOR AT LEAST THE LAST HALF OF IT

like how heartwarming that i’ve been actively suicidal for how many years? 6? 8? but i havent yet!! i always want to but just never get around to it and so this time for sure lol no more fooling around!! oh dammit and there goes another birthday still alive. like this is some elusive new years resolution or novel i mean to write.

funny i mention it because there’s practically nothing anymore that i want to do. even if i THOUGHT my life would ever become okay, i want fuckall out of it. i only exist, baby............and it’s like i said earlier, whenever i try to come up with a sad amount of potential motivations NOT to die, i have to realize that none of the shit is actually for me, or directly about me, or centered on me. like, this shit lost its charm ages ago.

well anyways. i suppose thats all i can think to say now. and it doesn’t make a difference whether i talk about my shitass existence and how crap i feel or not. it just gives the chance for a bit of it to exist in the world via a few other ppl being aware of it for a few minutes maybe, because who DOESNT want to thoroughly read a shit essay by some random weirdo about how everything sucks. the end

#i was innovative and typed this in twitter dark mode so my phone could have a break from me embedding the keyboard in the screen #anyways i wanna dye 😂😂😂

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specialagentfluffstein · 4 years

Note

All those asks that you havent answered yet

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More cereal. I’m lactose intolerant so I try to use just enough milk that I’m not eating dry cereal. Dry cereal is a different snack.

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? No.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Whatever is close. Usually random coupons.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? Coffee with creamer, tea on its own. Unless it’s chai. I like chai with oat milk or vanilla creamer.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? I used to be, but now I love smiling for the camera, at strangers, pretty much all the time. But I also spent a lot of time practicing and figuring out how to smile without looking weird when I was 9 and super self conscious.

6: do you keep plants? Yes! I have a plant that might be a Kalanchoe that I’ve managed to keep alive for a few years, despite always forgetting to water it and 3 butt succulents (living stones).

7: do you name your plants? Nope. Although I do refer to the butts as “The Butts”.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I write, mostly.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yes. I tend to sing song if I’m talking to myself.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Side.

12: what’s your favorite planet? Jupiter! Even though that’s where boys go to get more stupider.

13: what’s something that made you smile today? I found some pictures of my mom in college and we look really similar.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Lots of color. Lots of tchotckes and disney stuff. Jackson Pollock’s Circumcision above the couch.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! Jupiter is the fastest spinning planet in our solar system.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Is it pasta? It’s my favorite. Unless it has capers.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Pink!

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. So one time my BF and I went on a road trip up the oregon coast and then to Seattle. He was getting tired on our Seattle leg of the journey so we swapped and I drove for a while. I drive a ford and he drives a subaru. We were in the subaru, and I went to put it in drive, but instead turned the windshield wipers on full blast. Out of habit, I pulled down on it, since that’s where the gear shift is in my truck. His is not. I have yet to live it down.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I do! I have a planner for dates and scheduling stuff, a Bullet Journal that I keep my mood tracker and habit tracker and various lists in, a gratitude log, and my ‘write about your day and your feelings’ journal. I just filled my last one, and now I get to start a new one!

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Blue.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I have a 5.11 backpack that I used in college, and then used to travel, and now I’m currently using it as my roller derby bag. It’s super versatile. And I can put patches and pins on it.

22: are you a morning person? Yes. Or at least I pretend to be.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Knit and watch TV.

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? My counselor.

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? An old abandoned mansion. I was on a ride along and the cop I was with wanted to check for “juvenile delinquents.”

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My pink double tongue low top converse.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? I feel like there was a strawberry watermelon hubba bubba flavor I loved as a kid, but maybe I imagined it.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Pspsps’s at literally every cat they see.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yes.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love socks. I’ve knitted myself four pairs, and I love wearing disney socks and I just love socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. My friends and I are boring old people and we are asleep at 3 am.

33: what’s your fave pastry? Uhhh.. At this point in my life anything gluten free that doesn’t taste like cardboard.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? A stuffed rabbit. Their name is ‘ruggy bunny’. It’s made from chenille. I still have them and as a full fledged adult sleep with them (and all my other squishy friends).

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? So. Fucking. Much. I love Sakura Jelly Roll pens and washi tape and stickers and felt tip pens and ink joy pens and I love the crayola Take Note line and anything from The Happy Planner. I love it all so much.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Deee-Lite or The The

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I like keeping it clean. I used to say my room always needed to be Teen Vogue ready, back when Teen Vogue would have pics of some famous girl in her bedroom on the last page.

38: tell us about your pet peeves! Other drivers.

39: what color do you wear the most? I usually wear quite a few different colors, especially in the summer.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? My uncle (who’s not my uncle, just a close family friend) bought me a diamond necklace when I was 10, because he said my first diamond shouldn’t be from a boy, so that way it would just be another piece of jewelry, and not my ‘first diamond.’ In hindsight, that was kind of a cool thing to do, because now I don’t feel like I have to keep or get rid of jewelry just because of who I associate it with. If it’s a nice piece, it’s a nice piece. It’s not my first diamond.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Outlander. It’s so well researched, and it’s got political intrigue and smut but I never felt like I was being talked down to or treated like a dumb reader.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I do! It’s a local place and it’s got old squashy couches and different tables and big windows. One location looks out over the marina here.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? My boyfriend.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Not any time within recent memory.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yes. They’re usually right.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. How does NASA throw a party? They Planet!

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Cashews.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Yes. Getting left behind in the grocery store.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I love buying records, I’ve slowed down on CDs in favor of vinyl. I bought Johnny Jewel’s Themes for Television.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Taxidermy and furs.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Joe Jacksons “Is She Really Going Out With Him?”

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Anything Baby Yoda.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I’ve seen RHPS, and been to a midnight showing. I love it. I’ve also seen Beetlejuice, it’s not my fave, but it’s fun.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My boyfriend when we discovered our favorite pho place closed.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? Everything I do is a dramatic thing to prove a point.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Laughs! I love peoples laughs.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? So good. I’ve been drinking, and I sang it quietly to myself with all the voices.

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? Why? I struggle with this classification of women and the exploitation of the rampant alcoholism among women who are likely suffering from depression in addition to alcoholism.

59: what’s your favorite myth? That David Bowie had two different colored eyes. And cryptid stuff.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I like poetry from the 20th century, and I love slam Poetry. My all time favorite poem is William Carlos Williams’ “This is Just To Say”

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? Both of these can be answered with “Bath and Body Works Body Wash”

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Sometimes! I love orange juice.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I want to be, when I have the space. My records are in alphabetical order.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Dark Blue

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My two besties who are kicking ass and living their best life in South Korea.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Massive and full of really bright flowers. Sunflowers and carnations and gerber daisies and just so much color.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? They make me feel like cuddling by a fire.

68: what’s winter like where you live? Fucking. Miserable.

69: what are your favorite board games? Monopoly! I also like card games.

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Nope. I ain’t fucking around with that shit.

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Chai, green, and Thai.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? Yes.

73: what are some of your worst habits? Popping any joint I possibly can and peeling my nail polish (which is why I will never get gels).

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. They are very tall and do the best John Mulaney impression.

75: tell us about your pets! I don’t have any. :( But I want three corgis named Navy Bean, Gerladine, and Jolene. And a pitbull named Korg.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Probably going through my clothes so I can find my Star Wars shirt for Monday.

77: pink or yellow lemonade? Pink. I don’t really like lemonade, but I love the pink lemonade lip smackers chapstick I have.

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? Very firmly in the hateclub.

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? My mom made me an advent calendar one year with little makeup things and trinkets wrapped individually and hung from the ceiling. It was so fun.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Sleeping Beauty Castle Pink! One wall has glitter! Yes I did! I love pink and it looks nice with all my bright furniture.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. The spine of my copy of The Hatchet.

82: are/were you good in school? Yes. I was built for the American School System and now that I can’t prove my worth with papers and multiple choice tests I’m kinda struggling.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? I love the cover of The Velvet Underground and Nico that Andy Warhol did and the cover of Led Zeppelin III with the rotating art.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Yeah! I want a lightning bolt (a la Bowie or The Killers) on my ankle and my sister and I want to get some matching ones of Chuckie Chickenhawk (my grandfather’s event mascot)

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I do, although not as much as I used to. I love Nightwing.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Yeah! I love Marty Robbins’ Gunfighter Ballads, and of course David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Everything except minimalism, and even then I like that a little bit. But I love abstract and pop art. But really I just love art. I love going to museums when I travel.

89: are you close to your parents? My mom hell yeah!

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I love Seattle. I love the art and how much there is of it! I also have a soft spot for Meeker CO, weird republican little town that it is.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Ahahahahahahahaha. Ha. *soft crying*

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? Depends on the pasta dish.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Well when I don’t have horrible too long quarantine hair, and it’s at shoulder length, I like wearing it down or half up. Lately it’s been in a ponytail or a bun.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My neighbor turned 30.

95: what are your plans for this weekend? Gonna go roller skate at the outdoor roller hockey rink on Saturday and then go do some shooting on blm land on Sunday.

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I am a horrible procrastinator.

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ESTJ, Virgo, Slytherin or Gryffindor. On my first pottermore account I got Gryffindor, and then I could figure out my password so I made another one and got Slytherin.

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? I went hiking two weekends ago and it was awesome!

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. The Killers’ Battleborn, The The’s This Is The Day, Deee- Lite’s Groove Is In The Heart, Panic! At The Disco’s That Green Gentleman, The Avett Brothers’ Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full Of Promise (actually, anything by the Avett Bros resonates with my soul.)

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? Why? Five years in the future. Because hopefully I’d be in a more stable place in my life.

Thanks for Asking!

#fluffy answers

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