tfw youre feeling too financially insecure to sleep

Jungkook: 1:05 AM

Tags/Warnings: sensual, Suggestive, implied smut, heavy flirting/making out, Idol!Jungkook, Fluff, Established Relationship, implied foreigner!Reader, not home AU though

Lenght: mid.

Languages are marked as English / Korean.

AU-Masterlist

This AU doesn't have a name yet, so I'm simply using times as a name for now.

♥━━━━━━━━━━•.♡.•━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

"Don't you want to come to bed with me?" He wonders, walking into the living room where you're still scrolling on your phone.

"I'm sorry.. I'm not tired yet." You pout. "And, are you not worried you might crush me in your sleep anymore, big guy?" Leaning your head back to look at him as he casually steps closer, sitting halfway on the edge of the couch as he looks down at you, tongue running over his bottom lip before he speaks.

"Nah, we literally wrestled on the couch yesterday, You're a tough girl." He wonders, voice low as he clearly attempts to woo you over. "But how about I... make you tired?" He says in English, making you giggle.

"Your English is cute." You tease a little, and he squints his eyes at you, biting the skin of his lips as he shakes his head.

"Not cute." He responds, shaking his head, before he points at himself, eyebrows raising as if he's attempting to appear offended. "Sexy. I'm-.. hot boyfriend." He tells you, and you laugh again. "You no take me serious?" He asks, voice raising in pitch while you fall to your side, thoroughly amused by his antics.

"I love you, jungkook." You say between laughter, and he gets off of his spot before he attacks you on the couch instead, body now over yours as he playfully bites at your neck. He's had enough time now; an entire week of playfighting and getting to know you better in a physical sense- getting the hang of how he's supposed to handle you.

How he can handle you.

"Hmhm, I love you." He responds, before his antics turn into more sensual kisses against your jawline. "Dont want to?" He asks against your skin, and you shrug- playing hard to get. You've talked about things like these before- hell, you have quite literally jerked off on call before.

"Not in the mood." You simply answer to rile him up, not letting him know that you're very much in the mood, but unable to hide your grin.

"Is that so." He wonders, a deep purr underlining his low tone before he places his hands underneath your arms, pushing you higher up on the couch so your back is leveled against the side. "You think I can get you into the mood?"

"I don't know, can you?" You wonder at him, and he sits back at that, hands grabbing the bottom hem of his shirt before it's swiftly lifted over his head, arms easily slipping out of the short sleeves as it's thrown somewhere on the siderest of the couch behind him. There's a candle on the table, barely illuminating the scene of his apartment- but it's nice like this. He enjoys the soft orange glow of everything in front of him, especially your features. They're more accentuated like this, as if you're in some sort of alternative dimension where time doesn't exist and the outside world stands still for a moment.

"Can I take off?" He asks you, hands slipping underneath your fluffy sweater, and you nod, an okay he immediately grins at, lip running over his lips. It's the first time he'll see you in person like this. It'll be the first time he's going to be able to touch you, see you bare and raw and real, and it's exciting to him.

In a way, sex isn't even on his mind. All he wants to do right now is explore.

He's a bit disappointed when he realizes you're wearing a cotton bralette underneath the sweater, but at the same time, he really does like the aesthetic of it all. His palms run over your newly exposed skin with care, before they rest at your sides, head leaning down to kiss from your sternum right down to your belly button. You giggle a little when the cold tip of his nose brushes over your skin, tickling a little, and he grins as well, mind completely filled with you. "You're so pretty." He chuckles, and you nod at him.

"I feel very pretty now, too." You tell him, making him smile.

"You should." He agrees, before he grows bolder, leaning down to kiss you as one of his hands travels over your still covered chest. He can feel the warmth of your body through the fabric, nipple already hardening at the clear excitement of it all. So much for not being in the mood, he thinks to himself.

Kissing had never really been something he really found intimate or anything. It never felt special- but with you, he can't seem to get enough, and he honestly cannot explain it properly. If he was to be asked, he would probably blame it on his love for you, no matter how childish it might sound.

Right now, he feels different from any other encounter he'd ever had like this.

Before you right now, making out had always been somewhat of a necessary step for him to get to the main course, in a way. Like a habit you can't break because that's just what everybody else does- but right now, he believes that he could happily continue this for as long as you're up for it. It riles him up in more ways than just simple arousal- though that part is pretty clear at this point, underwear starting to feel uncomfortable especially when you lift your leg, knee brushing against his by now fully erect length still tucked away in grey cotton underwear and black sweatpants. It makes him groan lowly into your mouth, making you giggle in amusement as you repeat the motion, clearly aware of what it's doing to him.

"Brat." He scolds, before his fingers slip underneath the hem of your bralette, lifting it over your head, finally freeing your breasts for him to see. They look like art in the low warm glow of the scented candle on the table- and not just them. Your whole body that he's exposed at this point, from your collabone to the very edge of your jawline, it all feels like a movie, as if it's not real.

But it is. He's touching you, after all. He can feel you, see you- hear you.

Especially when you whine impatiently, pulling on one of the strings of his sweatpants, making him sit up on his heels. "I'll be right back-" He says, before he jumps over the backrest of the couch- instead of walking the other side around it like any normal person would. But he's anything but ordinary- and that's fine with you. You love him like this, after all.

Because that's him.

When he returns, he blows out the candle on the table, light from the bedroom enough to make it all visible enough so he can properly pick you up in his arms, lifted over his shoulder before he playfully smacks your butt.

"Jungkook!" You scold, laughing as he walks into his bedroom with you, setting you back onto your own legs before he kills the lights again, colorful led moodlight illuminating the walls and you before he crawls into bed with you.

"I kind of like you saying my name. A lot." He hums towards you, before he leans down to kiss your neck, hands back on your body. "And I really liked how you just called it out like that." he teases, referring to your little outburst at his antics. His gaze is dark and sharp as he looks at you, running his tongue over his piercing before he looks at you impishly, almost roughly pulling off your sweatpants down your ankles.

"Think I can make you do it again?"

♥━━━━━━━━━━•.♡.•━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

A positive Update

Friends, kind folk - Hello Again 🤍

Ever since my last update post, I've been thinking about it , a lot ;; I knew I needed time to cook and reflect, and im so glad I gave myself that...

2024 started rough for me; I fell severely ill again - I was too busy cursing my life and dwelling over how betrayed I felt by things still not getting better despite my efforts that I didn't realize I was walking into a self fulfilling prophecy. Its true that the struggles I'm going through are yet to be solved, that its gotten so much to the point giving up seemed easier, and that a couple individuals haven't been making it easier on me either; I swayed and i rattled and I steered within feelings ranging from confusion to anger to dismay and all of this back and forth did nothing but remind me of yet another self-destructive loop I just don't want to allow in my life anymore. Its exactly the kinda stuff that made me ill to begin with, and I've been so lost dealing with everything in between that i forgot to tend to the actual core centering all of this...

It grew unbearable how much emotional and physical turmoil I was pushing myself into, and knowing how intertwined these two elements have been; I had to draw a line before i majorly screwed myself over, gathering any bit of inner will to discipline myself back into some sort of clarity, enough to at least look through a lens OUTSIDE my pain for once, towards the kind of life I want to lead, and the kind of life I don't; and I came to an understanding.

From my physical state to my mental, to the people and memories I've experienced, both the good and the bad - I want to prioritize the good.

Not in a shitty ass, toxic optimism kinda way but in a "I want to prioritize knowing and living the possibility that even when it hurts, even when i want to be gone, even when life doesn't align - There's still every good reason in the world to keep moving forward, to face things from a perspective of growth & compassion, and to grow to love the promise of a better tomorrow even when today was unbearable." To know that I don't end or begin in my suffering, that the infinite potential I speak so fondly of applies to me, as well...

I want to be able to wield and create and share that goodness, too, Especially when it is already in decline...And for all gods sake, to internalize that all of this STILL exists and STILL matters even when it doesn't work the first couple or dozens of times.

As for my place here in Tumblr...I know the sentiment might feel silly to some but the experiences, memories, and connections I've made here have truly been such a significant force in my life, and i don't want to give up on that ;; Not because of my own insecurities, or an inner state of hopelessness, and especially not over a bunch of emotionally immature Anons that dont know how to handle themselves; I want to forgive all of that.

I'm stubborn, and there's an unyielding force within me that no matter how many times it is struck down, it proved itself ridiculously resilient. I'm perking up with with a fiery confidence realizing just how many times it rose back up, enough to realize it is an unchangeable part of me ;_; I shouldn't underestimate that force, and I want to keep living by its side. Whatever positive change I can sprinkle onto my life and the lives of those I care for, I will! And the reason why this space in particular is so important to me, is because so much of that already exists here, alongside you folks;

THAT'S the kind of energy i want to nourish and walk into the new year with! I want to continue growing as a person, challenging my inner turmoils, undoing the self punishing dogmas that still haunt me, stop flexing my teeth over things that don't deserve my time and god DAMN, just - indulge in the stuff that makes me happy, even when I'm going through unhappy times.

So yeah...I guess that means, I'm back & I'm staying ;_;)🧡

I know i may seem like a broken record when it comes to expressing gratitude but - Thank you, thank you thank you everyone who have reached out for me, who so fondly kept me in their thoughts and kept encouraging me whenever i was hurting, both then and now...You folks mean more than whatever ailment or struggle I can go through, and while I'm unsure of how the future will look like as I'm still going through various challenges- I couldn't have asked for a cooler, sweeter audience to have by my side whenever Its time to take a rest or hype over our sexy delicious blorbos!

Speaking of which....................I have been cooking quite a lot of things in the time i was away 👀✨ I most definitely intend to serve them, eheheh

talking abt that one thing in velma thats on my mind a lot for the past few days (that turned into a big incoherent rambling about gay rep in media)

i'm seeing jokes about how the queer representation in mystery inc being so much better than the queer representation in velma and honestly it makes me want to go on a whole tangent about my thoughts on queer representation nowadays vs the more subtle examples decades prior.

There's this weird debate that goes on online about what is "good" queer representation, and one of the most notable and honestly annoying examples is that queer representation has to be so subtle that you could easily miss it/ignore it. i've always hated that take because its a claim mostly said by straight people who are uncomfortable with seeing characters who are openly queer and/or state their identity, but they present it as some sort of push for subtle and nuanced writing. personally i do prefer it when a character just, identifies as how they are without explaining their identity, but that doesn't mean flat out explaining your orientation is inherently bad representation. its why i will always defend the very clunky and awkward high guardian spice scene. it is absolutely poorly directed and written, but that doesn't make it "bad representation". however, I do consider the character who explains that he's trans bad representation because he is flat, uninteresting and very clearly a creator self insert. he doesn't feel like a well rounded character who's also a trans man, but just an incredibly sanitized example of trans representation.

i have many, many issues with helluva boss/hazbin hotel and i do genuinely find some depictions of queer characters just flat out offensive (you can argue with me about how angel dust being written like your average 90s gay stereotype is woke actually because he has trauma, i dont care), but i do admire and appreciate that the series doesn't want to sanitize its queer characters, even if its done poorly. though i could go into a whole rant about how i find it very telling that female characters that are queer are far less sexualized or allowed to be problematic compared to their queer male counterparts.

anyways back to velma. that show does something that i've always found pretty irritating in queer representation which is just this weird lack of faith in its audience. characters can't have a slow burn anymore. internalized thoughts, anger, frustration, longing. you have to immediately know that two characters are gay for each other, even if they're lifelong enemies. its like when modern horror movies open with the gore because they're scared people are going to be bored or leave early. there's no subtlety or chemistry between daphne and velma, they're just lovers because idk, its two girls who hate each other and who doesn't love that.

then i think about how mystery inc handled velma and her sexuality, how she was allowed to be well rounded and nuanced before you slowly realize that "oh, she doesn't like boys". i know her whole thing with shaggy is controversial among fans but i always loved how she does do something pretty unlikable but not immoral. yeah, it is shitty to force shaggy to choose between her and his dog, but i can understand her line of thinking and empathize with her. and i do like how they become friends in the end despite their awkward break up. It's always fun rewatching it and realizing that their incredibly awkward and cringe relationship was meant to be awkward and cringe. it was supposed to be weird and difficult to watch, because those two weren't meant to date each other. you could see how hard velma was trying to make the relationship work despite the fact that you never get the vibe that either character was full invested in it, unlike daphne and fred's relationship.

then you had velma and her relationship with marcie, which started off as sort of a catty rivalry (not full on attempted murder, i mean holy shit hbo velma) that slowly grows to where you're completely convinced that these two did gradually like each other. and i do really enjoy stuff like that, more subtle writing like that. which doesn't just apply to queer rep btw, my favorite ships are relationships that feel understated, something you have to really dig for and pay attention to. its why i consider bubbline the best f/f representation in cartoon. because its subtle, but not too subtle where it feels out of no where when they kiss, and nuanced in ways that enhances the relationship AND characters.

there's a good amount of relationships i see in cartoons where the creator, who is usually queer themselves, often wants to depict queer relationships, but is weirdly adverse to depicting the uglier aspects of that character, and refuses to add subtlety to it. steven universe is a show i've always felt conflicted on its handling of queer representation because on the one hand i appreciate writing lesbians that are messy, traumatized and make constant mistakes. but on the other hand, the show goes out of its way to ignore these issues and/or make excuses for it, making the decision to make these characters messy and complicated genuinely baffling (this is also one of the big issues i have with catradora and stolitz).

it makes me think back to my own work too. i really enjoy making fluffy, easily digestible gay content for my followers and myself because it puts me in a good headspace. But even now and then i like exploring those little nuances too, because i don't really enjoy stories with little conflict. Because of that acknowledgement of how satisfying it is to write fluffy, queer rep, you end up putting yourself in other creator's shoes. you're so used to media that either dehumanizes gay people or tells people that they don't exist that you push yourself to make the most in your face queer rep you can but its at the cost of an interesting and subtle characters. characters that don't really have arcs or places to learn and grow.

With bugtopia i made a joke about how i want some of my queer rep to feel like you're being queerbaited. It's not literal, obviously, but mixed in with characters who are already married and in same gender relationships, i really want to write dynamics that feel subtle enough for a bit of a slow burn. even if you know they're going to end up together, to at least value the characters on their own before centering them on their relationships. queerbaiting is something that deserves all the criticism it can get, but it is embarrassing when queerbaiting feels genuinely more interesting than actual queer rep because queerbaiting has that factor of "maybe they won't get together" that adds that bit of intrigue, vs so many shows that repeatedly hammer in your head "don't worry guys, they're gonna be lesbian lovers".

mystery inc (and many other shows) being forced to keep a relationship obvious while subtle to get through censorship really forced creators to be creative with their storytelling and not center characters around their relationship and identity. but nowadays i think shows like to take the easy way out. for me, i always thought the most impactful example of queer representation in steven universe is "Rose's Scabbard". I genuinely don't enjoy that episode because it's a good example of the show thinking that trauma is an excuse for shitty behavior, but i cant deny that an entire episode of pearl breaking down and finally accepting that she wasn't the center of rose's world. it's the crew being forced to be creative and push through censors to telling a compelling story about a traumatized lesbian slowly realizing that she basically deluded herself into thinking she was someone's savior.

I think it's silly to try to place good queer representation in one box. like subtle queer rep is good, but also queer rep where a character flat out states that their gay. where I think it falls apart is when it either reinforces stereotypes without properly deconstructing or expanding on them, makes the characters so overly kind and non-controversial that the relationship is just boring, or try to make your messy and complicated characters but the narrative refuses to hold them accountable or at least acknowledge that they're doing something wrong. and to clarify on that last part, i'm not asking for some hays code nonsense where every bad person goes to prison and/or promises to stop being a bad person again. i mean the narrative doesnt just fucking sugarcoat their behavior. i don't want to see helluva boss ignore the fact that stolas made blitzo call him out for only using him for sex and then pathetically rush to justify their relationship by giving them a bizarrely sanitized and sweet backstory. and i don't want to see catra literally end the fucking universe and only do something good because she's straight up out of options and the show just decides that that was her redemption and she doesn't need to do anything to atone for what she did (including repeatedly abusing and verbally berating adora).

anyways velma has none of those interesting qualities and i'm pretty sure daphne and velma kissed because the creator is a weird pervert who thinks two girls kissing is hot.

#he really does cut people out cold shoulder them with no discussion huh.... fascinating man......#invisible transgressions remembered forever at arms length#he is. i think. pathologically nonconfrontational. idk even with the sepang stuff.#like he doesnt look at marc AT ALL only performs to the press. same with argentina he sends uccio.... <- *eye* have a theory that vale on his factory settings is actually quite a desperate people-pleaser. not necessarily in a "i need others to approve of me" way (though that too) but in a "i need for others to cheer for me" (to try and explain what i mean better, he's not doing anything just to get the approval but he wants to feel approved/supported for whatever he's doing. different catalysts for action, same need). that's why he can play the crowd so well. and sepang - i think it was genuinely a protracted breakdown caused by vale realizing he's not superhuman anymore and his lead slipping and compounded by the anniversary of the worst loss he's suffered in his life

post about graziano here, jorge confrontation here

like the thing about vale is. well we dont personally know him. so outside of stuff people close to him tell us, we only see the side of him he wants to show the press, which is still him, just more of a performance, i think. its already been discussed AT LENGTHHH that he loves to do this sort of performance and is just. generally very good at being a celebrity. and i think its an extension of his PR deftness that when jorge comes at him he just laughs and looks at his audience. he ropes them into a private joke, like can you believe this guy? which jorge (who takes to confrontation like a duck to water) HATES so bad. its a very effective deflection tactic. fr the easiest way to seem like the bad guy is to treat an argument like it is worthy of your attention. so he meep-meep roadrunner court jesters his way through off track conflict for the majority of his career. and yes he makes enemies and they tell US that he is being cold and prickly and treating them differently. but crucially. he does not seem anything other than a Chill Dude in front of the cameras. until well. sepang lol.

so yes! i think he is invested in controlling these narratives and good at it to boot. but!!!! where it gets crazy is when you get to the personal arenas. like the people he loves that he is actually invested in. where his feelings are on the line fr.

like for other (professional) conflicts he gets over it!! but not with his dad and not with marc. and part of the marc stuff is the ego involved (theyre having a GOAT-off) and the professional stakes, as ive discussed. BUT. i think he doesnt get over these two because. well. because they really really hurt his feelings, i think. like he's said in the past that he's been able to get over the rivalries he has with other racers (like biaggi) bc they WERENT friends before so he didnt gaf when it got nasty. but. he still. REALLY cares with marc. (and of course with his parents divorce. like yeah that makes sense) so i actually think its very telling that he isnt over sepang. and that he didnt look at marc at all whenever they had their epic divorce moments (sepang press conference, postrace argentina 2018) rosquez would be less real if he could just move on lol. like it is a divorce to them both for REAL. so vale is going to handle it the same way he did with his parents and quietly cut marc out while making it. VERY clear. that marc is no longer one of the people that he holds within the select bubble that gets to see vale without all of his press trappings.

I know i have a lot of teenagers who follow me because i dont baby talk to them regarding things like drugs and alcohol and sex. So i wanted to throw out some advice that still saves my ass every day as an adult that i learned to instill in myself as a teenager:

-Learn how to keep house. I know that every adult is beating job skills into you right now and its overwhelming to say to least, but no matter what you end up doing with your life, you will need to know how to cook and clean and budget and go grocery shopping and do laundry and the dishes and x y z. You will need to know how to work with cleaning products like bleach safely and without creating mustard gas by accident. If you figure that out now, you will be able to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Those are skills that you WILL need every day in the real world no matter what.

-i want to asterix the budgeting part. I know way too many grown adults who could be doing very well for themselves who are broke as shit and actively getting worse because they cant budget to save their lives. Managing your finances is what will often be the difference between living relatively comfortably and struggling to get by.

-dont get roommates if you can help it. I know you will want to, and it will seem like a fun idea to live with your friends and like nothing would go wrong, but roommates ruin friendships. If you can afford to live on your own when you first head out, do it. Trust me, paying the full rent is worth not having to deal with other peoples bullshit taking up your living space. I learned this the hard way, dont be like me. The only people you should be actively looking to live with at the young adult stage of your life are any permanent partner(s) that might come along the way, and you should rush that either. And taking some proper time to be on your own will do you so much good in the long run in realizing what kind of person you are and what you need in things like work, relationships, life in general, etc.

-you don't need a brand new car, and your first apartment doesnt need to be high end and fancy. All your firsts for those things need to be are functional, safe, and reliable. And you will love them regardless if theyre your first car/apartment. And you dont really NEED a car if youre an urbanite with a reliable enough transit system, either. Thats more of an individual thing if thats your situation. I live in an older apartment building with a stove from a brand that doesnt even exist anymore, but its real spacious for one person, in a nice part of downtown where everythings still right outside my door, and all my utilities are included. I pay 500 dollars less in rent a month for this than my coworker who lives 2 blocks away from me and has half the space i do with none of the utilities included because its all smart tech and luxury suites in that building. You don't need all that, you will not notice the difference when you actually live there.

-no one cares about high school tier drama when you hit your college years, especially if you go to an academically-based school. In my experience at least, the schools the nerds end up at think the d&d club is the coolest one on campus. This will pass, you will be fine. The nerds really do inherit the earth after you graduate, and all those bullies really do peak in high school. The guy who was the worst offender towards me in high school now literally pumps gas for his dads gas station because nobody else would hire him. Which is fine, its honest work, but it IS a tad ironic how things worked out there after so many years of telling me he'd be my boss one day. Yeah sure, howd that work out bud

-please dont get into drugs and alcohol just to be cool. I know every adult has treated you like some porcelain doll to be handled with baby gloves regarding any sort of substance, but if you choose to partake in them, all i ask is that you be informed about the risks, you do it safely, and dont do it for social clout. Its not the substances im most concerned about there, its that when you do them for social approval, you dont know when to stop or how to listen to your body telling you thats enough, which is a straight shot to a potential addiction. Its your choice whether or not to consume drugs and/or alcohol, but its irresponsible to act like theres no real risk involved in them, especially if you have the kind of personality more susceptible to addiction. Do them for yourself, in safe environments, as cleanly as you can get them if possible, and only after you educate yourself about what the risks are and what resources there are in your area for healthcare and counseling if you do develop an addiction.

-be selfish, but dont be a dick. Your young adulthood is when you should be selfish in the sense of prioritizing your own mental health, work ascension/schooling, etc, but you can do all those things without being standoffish or disregarding other people in the process. You should be there for your loved ones if you can, but if you cant, give them the common courtesy of telling them. A simple "hey, id love to help you if i could, but i have too much going on right now to spare anything. But im always here to talk about it if you need it, ily and im wishing you all the best <3" is way better than "i cant help you right now, i have my own problems to deal with."

any thoughts on boothill from hsr?

i dont know a lot of hsr writers in the community so sorry for the really unusual ask

but i WILL find a way to make that man suffer 😭 i mean he swallows bullets?? but like what if he COULD actually eat, just a couple things are missing since hes like,, mostly made of metal.

grr hoyo had to make the silliest characters impossible to whump

I have given him next to no thought because I am a very lore-attached person. I won't decide if I care about him or not until we meet him, being totally honest lmao.

That in mind tho, let's talk Boothill!

First of all, I think there's a lot of whump potential IN the fact that he's mostly metal- like. He can't do a lot of things, anymore. He's not human anymore and there's a ton of ... space there. Like phantom nerve pain for limbs that dont exist, lost chances/experiences/etc. There's a ton of potential there! It's not necessarily sickfic, but that doesn't mean it's not Interesting!

On the other hand, if fandom can smut him up one side and down the other im SURE we can come up with something for like. Sickfic.

Most viable option would be as you mentioned, like, he's mostly metal but there's more human than we think Inside of that casing. Maybe some of the organs are delicate, probably he gets most of his sustenance in non-traditional ways, but lets say he really gets a hankering for an old favorite and learns the hard way that what's left of his body Cant Handle It anymore- or he gets a virus that he genuinely thought he'd be immune to because like. Hello, Im more metal than person- and it's absolutely miserable-and dangerous to boot (ha. ha. ha.) because of how little of him is left!

The second thing that comes to mind is that they deliberately created/preserved as much "humanity" as possible in creating him (unlikely given he doesn't have even a skin-like covering over most of the metal but stay with me) and thus he functionally can actually. You can be handwavy- but things go wrong with this. It's tech. if youve messed with tech for any length of time you know things can go wonky in unexpected ways. Especially since like! boothill fights, he's taking hits and being knocked around, things go whack fast in that kind of environment.

A additional viable options would be aus where he's not basically all metal or setting it before he got all the metal augmentation/replacement... etc.

I DO think that Boothill would be the sort of person who believed that now, now that he's mostly metal he's invincible and be knocked down several pegs in finding out that that's. Just not true.

You bite your lower lip. You don't think being straight to the point with Karkat would be a good idea… Though you considered it heavily before ultimately choosing to go with an apology.

Okay… Here it comes.

Dave: hey. Dave: im… sorry Dave: im sorry man

Your voice is quiet. Maybe too quiet, making you think the other didn't hear you. So you look up to glance at the other.

Dave: genuinely i Dave: i didnt think wed see each other like

You don’t get the chance to finish before he raises his hand to cut you off.

Karkat: YOU KNOW IF I WANTED TO WATCH SOMEONE VOMIT THE FLIMSIEST APOLOGY KNOWN TO MAN, I'D GO OUTSIDE AND WATCH ONE OF THE INFECTED ASSHOLES OUT THERE THROW UP THEIR GUTS ONTO THE PAVEMENT. Karkat: AND IT WOULD STILL BE A BETTER "SORRY" THAN ANYTHING YOUR BATTER BRAINED SKULL COULD CONJURE UP RIGHT NOW. Karkat: SO SAVE US BOTH THE EMBARRASSMENT AND SHUT UP FOR GODSAKES

You scowl, back straightening. Goddamnit now you remember. Remember how much of a crabby jackass he is.

Dave: oh Dave: because sitting in the dark while silently death glaring at each other is productive Dave: cause we got all the time in the world to just kick back and do absolutely nothing but seethe at each other Dave: not like i was trying t

Karkat: TO DO WHAT EXACTLY? BE REMORSEFUL? BE ACTUALLY APOLOGETIC WITH NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE DESPITE KNOWING I CAN BE OF USE TO YOU? Karkat: DO YOU HONESTLY TAKE ME FOR SOME KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT?! Karkat: THAT I WOULD EVEN HUMOR THE IDEA THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY SORRY?!! Karkat: THAT I'LL JUST TOSS MY RESENTMENT AND FRUSTRATION OUT INTO THE ATMOSPHERE BECAUSE POOR OL' STRIDER IS JUST A PATHETIC LUMP OF BRUISES! Karkat: *FAT FUCKING CHANCE.* Karkat: YOU COULD BE FOLDED INTO THE MOST DISGUSTING AND AGONIZING EXAMPLE OF HUMAN ORIGAMI AND I'D STILL BE "SEETHING" Karkat: SO YEAH, *I’M SORRY* THAT I DECIDED NOT TO WASTE MY TIME AND ENERGY HEARING YOUR LOUSY ATTEMPT AT A HEART TO HEART

Dave: … Dave: sigh

Once upon a time Jade had asked you and your mutual group of friends to test out the latest version of her new project. A mental inventory system that had a very convoluted retrieval and sorting system. Luckily her team was quick to fix that after your group’s trials with it.

Jade never really told you exactly why, but you always speculated that some people on her team, or well, someone, didn’t really trust your legitimacy enough when signing your NDA. Maybe it shouldn’t have surprised you though, after all you have made a name for yourself with your bizarre level of spectacles you do for the sake of irony.

It did not thrill you to find out the next morning that you would now deal with the living embodiment of “stick up the ass” as your personal bodyguard for however long the trial had to last for. Despite your best efforts to get rid of the guy, you’ve quickly learned a few things about Mr. Vantas here. One of those things being that he is skeptical and stubborn to a fault.

Well, there it goes, your plans being haplessly thrown out the window! Poor sons of bitches didn’t even have a chance-

You hear a snap next to your ear

Karkat: JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU STOP MUMBLING TO YOURSELF FOR A SECOND AND PAY ATTENTION

Dave: what Dave: you have another drawn out monologue about how god awful i am? Dave: are you sure your throat can handle that shakespeare Dave: ya dont exactly have the voice for stage anymore with all that smoke Dave: but lets be real here Dave: its probably a good thing that you cant blow out anyone within a 10 ft radius of you eardrums anymore because you decided to make causal conversation

Karkat: YOU MOUTHY FUCKING PRICK- Karkat: CAN YOU DO THE WORLD Karkat: AND ME ESPECIALLY Karkat: A FUCKING FAVOR TO SHOVE WHATEVER BULLSHIT YOU HAVE IN YOUR WINDPIPE AND FUCKING LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO TELL YOU FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS

Dave: ok sir ill be on my best behavior for "five fucking seconds"

Karkat:THANK YOU, GODDAMN. Karkat: AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO JUST KICK YOUR USELESS ASSES OUT OF MY HOUSE, I DON’T THINK I’LL BE ABLE TO SURVIVE A FIGHT BETWEEN YOUR POTENTIALLY TRIGGER HAPPY HELLSPAWN. Karkat: AND ALTHOUGH I THINK IT’S WITHIN MY RIGHT TO FEEL THIS LEVEL OF BRIGHT HOT ANGER TOWARDS ALL OF YOU… Karkat: SIGHS … I

He looks up at the ceiling as if his next few words are the greatest offense that any higher power could have subjected him to utter.

Karkat: (GOD I MUST BE MORE SICK THAN I THOUGHT.) Karkat: I, FOR SOME REASON THAT SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE SEEING AS I HAVE DEALT WITH ENOUGH OF YOUR TOTAL TRASH FIRE OF A PREDICAMENT, BUT HERE I AM EVER THE GLUTTON FOR MORE SELF-INFLICTED MISERY

Dave: yeah yeah i get it Dave: im a dick get to the point

Karkat: I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE, YOU COMPLETE JACKASS!

Karkat: AND I HATE THAT CAUSE THAT RISKS MY LIFE FOR SOMEONE I ABSOLUTELY DON'T OWE SHIT TO, BUT NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TRY TO THINK OF A REASON TO JUSTIFY IT TO MYSELF I CAN’T. Karkat: I CAN'T LIVE EASY KNOWING THAT IF SOMEONE DIED, EVEN IF THAT SOMEONE IS FUCKING YOU...I Karkat: I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN SURVIVORS GUILT YOU YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

Dave: oh Dave: uh Dave:th Karkat: NO SHUT THE FUCK UP Karkat: FUCKING Karkat: NO!

Karkat: HAVING A SENSE OF COMPASSION STILL DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT’S EITHER I HELP OR I DIE. Karkat: DON’T TAKE THE FACT THAT I SOMEHOW STILL HAVE MY MORALS INTACT AS FLATTERY. Karkat: INSTEAD BURY THAT IDEA SO FAR IN THE WORTHLESS SLUDGE YOU CALL A THOUGHT PROCESS UNTIL IT ATOMIZES INTO NONEXISTEN-!

He must've worked himself up. You watch him as he moves out of your space to turn and hack up a cloud of smoke. Well, if this isn’t just the perfect time to digest the clusterfuck he has given you. While it is great that he is going to help you out, he’s doing it out of fear and as fuck up as it is, it’s an advantage you have over him.

Though is it a good idea to go along with that? That could risk him fucking you all over and abandoning all of you last minute. You could gain his trust, maybe offer him something that he might want, but even then what would you give him, you have no clue if you have anything to offer him, not to mention that again, he could still just ditch the plan when the opportunity shows up.

What are you going to do?

===> AUDIENCE

Its 11pm I'm eating leftover chips and queso for dinner and imma just... here

There was that adult nerd streamer Katsuki from @willowser who is just chills in Kaminari's streams as a friend when they play but he doesnt stream himself, no social media presence, no name, just makes snarky comments in the group discord and leaves

Well you know how u can have twitch synced with discord so discord shows when you're playing a game etc? And you just stream for fun on the rare occasion you want company but you maybe have like 50 followers and chat is mostly dead and it's always the same like three or four people cycling through your twitch chat as you play

Now, Subnautica isnt really a horror game... but it can be spooky as all fuck and it's got some good jump scares. One of which made me shit my pants when I played bc I'm an oblivious fuck trying to ignore warning signs and just scoot in the water with my little water car thing

And this sneaky fucker Bakugo has seen you reply to his comments on discord, he gets the @ pings. And he sees you're playing a spooky-ish game and on a whim searches up the game on twitch and sorts by lowest viewers.

And of fucking course your discord name is the exact same as your twitch handle. And mr. Smartass just hops into your twitch chat

"Ok sooooo we are just going to ignore the uh, roaring noises... dont like those. Unimportant. We gotta find some gold I think..."

And his twitch handle is known bc tons of people watch Kaminari's stream and see his friends names and they all follow each other on twitch despite Katsuki never streaming himself. And everyone in your chat recognizes him as he just

:find any scary fish yet?

Ofc you're distracted because how the *fuck* did he find your twitch?! The discord connection just doesnt pop into your brain as you flip between the game and not ramming your seatruck into a rock wall and the chat.

And the distraction and his presence in chat is perfectly timed with your seatruck being snatched by some giant nasty mandibles and THISBFUCKER fills your screen

Under the cut for kinda subnautica spoilers

This nasty bitch right here. Hate this fish. Anyway you fucking scream and pause the game and nearly tip over your chair bc this fishy shit shakes your dinky little submarine like a dog ripping the stuffing out of a toy.

And the chat is keysmashing and posting laughing emotes bc you arent even at your desk anymore but the mic still picks up the "jesus FUCKING CHRIST what the FUCK gooood I haaaaaaate it..."

And on Katsuki's end, he's choking on his drink and cant remember the last time he laughed so damn hard and the timing and everything. It was the perfect moment for a twitch clip to immortalize it. He knows Kaminari's humor and his stupid jokes. Knows what to expect, but the genuine jumoscare moment as your mic peaked... honestly a twitch highlight for him.

After that he tunes into your streams when he can, sometimes silently so you never know he's there. Other times he speaks up in chat to link that clip and comment on in-game happenings. But your forever embarrassed bc damn what a first impression... but the stupid fucking fish was about 2% less scary after that so long as you know he's watching

ANYTHING WITH YANDERE BRUCE YAMADA I BEG 🙇‍♀️

TAKE UR TIME BTW <333

Tee hee I’m in my fall girl era tw: He’s soft and fluffy but might throttle your throat, isolation, insecurities(?), golden boy, 70s-80s

“What do you mean?” He tilts his head to the left like a kitten, “I mean…I just think we should spend a bit more time apart!” You love him—truly, you adore him— but it’s getting to be too much for you

The constant snuggling, Hand holding, social events, parties, sport games, and every other activity he insists you participate in is wearing you out. So after a few months of the never ending behaviors, you just had to tell him it needed to stop now because you can’t handle it anymore

“I guess we can cut out every Wednesday dates…keep Friday dates…” he plans as if you weren’t even there “And I guess you don’t have to go to EVERY soccer practice, but I want you at the games!” He gives that golden smile and pushes a tuft of hair out of your face with his gentle touch—he was always warm, making him amazing to touch— his smile was a bit more accomplished than normal

You huffed, slightly offended he didn’t even ask about your opinion on the subject before deciding what was going to change. “I guess that works, but for me being such a great girlfriend…maybe we could go to some special fall event?” Bruce smiles “I’ll figure it out, baby, don’t worry!” “Thank you, golden boy~“ Bruce smirks at your teasing and pokes you in the side, resulting in a giggle from you and a chuckle from Bruce. “Your welcome, Golden girl!” His typical bubbly personality was back in a flash, he always seemed to know how to fix things

he was so perfect, god were you lucky to have such a cute boy like you. Even if he was a bit much—even if he coerces forces you into coming to everything he does— sometimes you just couldn’t help but get frustrated, but that’s okay, because Bruce is always ready to help sort things out

You dont really mind him taking the lead in your relationship because you were never too great at social situations. And anytime you feel like people only wanna be around you to get to bruce he's always there to assure you that you'll always have him

But is that really a good thing? so you try not to think about it too much, you just think about what your going to wear to wherever he ends up taking you. He always liked you in green because it was his teams color

You continue to contemplate it as you walk back home, ignoring the way bruce glares at a boy who looks at you for a bit too long, ignoring the way his grip gets just a bit tighter around your hand

He was perfect, and out of your league, but you managed to end up with him and in the end, thats all that matters to you to him.

hi i NEED to know more abt your mermaid au (if you dont mind u.u)

HIIIII THANK U FOR ASKINGGHGG

so basically in this au, everything is prettyyy much the same except that aren is a merman..

after his meeting with kusuo, it becomes painfully obvious that kusuo doesnt belong there but aren still thinks hes just a cool foreign mermaid.. but he keeps asking so many questions about where hes from and kusuo is already in so much shock he cant keep up the act anymore and tells him hes from the land.. (he probably couldve just told him to leave him alone, but truth be told he had a hot merman right in front of him and he literally just found out mermaids exist ??? so why would he do that)

so after learning kusuos secret (which wasnt explained in full, he really just said he has powers and aren thinks its some sort of secret human magic) he begs him to give him human legs, and kusuo has to explain that he cant use his shapeshifting ability on other people, and the only similar thing is hypnosis, which wouldnt work.. SO kuboyasu introduces him to mermaid magic !! which isnt all that powerful at all.. they just have certain minor spells, charms, and incantations that can have small effects.. so they work together and find a way to make his shapeshifting ability work on kuboyasu!! maybe its a thing similar to saikis limiters, but its like a pendant or a pair of earrings infused with a combination of magic+kusuos powers+technology

and soooooo he transfers to PK!! (with kusuos genius+mind control, its easy to cook up a fake ID+birth certificate and all) and everything else is pretty much the same, including even how kusuo attempts to ignore him at school at first+then spies on him without his knowledge.. but theyre also secretly romancing each other outside of school hours in the literal ocean..

it definitely took a while for kusuo to trust him enough to take him on land btw so they also spent a lot of time in arens home but i havent put much thought into what/where exactly that is or about his family and mermaid friends and such..

either way, even when he trusts him, aren still messes up and almost spills various secrets a lot lmao.. it shouldn't be that hard because hes been told his whole life that humans were dangerous because they couldnt handle things they didnt understand (like.. magic) but somehow he still manages to slip up many times on BOTH of their secrets (good thing their friends are DUMB)

"so aren, where do you live??" "in the sea-" gets elbowed by kusuo "sea.. outh.. district??" "huh??"

Being sick for the past week meant that I had nothing better to do today than lay in bed and refresh tumblr waiting for chapter 34, and seeing it at the very top of my dash was the highlight of my day! The wait was definitely worth it, my health for the duration notwithstanding lol

SPOILER WARNING FOR PAST CHAPTERS IDK HOW TO PUT READ MORES IN ASKS I'M SO SORRY

You made the right call taking the extra time to edit this doozy of a chapter—figuring out how to share Dale's exposition in a way that made sense and fit into the events of the story while maintaining tonal consistency must have been quite the process, between the restrictions of Sana's POV, regency genre conventions, and the story's (heh) natural climax being Dale's identity "reveal" followed by the wedding. I'm very curious if you currently have any ideas for how you're going to tackle this exposition in the novelization, or if you're inclined to handle it differently at all!

@weasellyferret

i hope you're feeling better! i'm so glad you enjoyed the new chapter!

i hav no idea if u can even put a read more in an ask anymore and i can't hide it now but my answer will be under the read more

thanks! i think some people really underestimate how helpful even self editing is to make things coherent, especially for a long chapter like this one that covered so much but also was literally just two ppl talking to each other (ppl lov to say they'll take any update, but lik, thats cuz they dont knooow lol and i dont just want it to b passable, i want it to b good).

with lore/backstory like this i also have to make sure it makes sense to readers who havent read any of it before nor know any of the even more info that I know because there's even more worldbuilding and dale backstory that wont end up in the story.

i'm glad u think i pulled it off to any degree because i was still pretty nervous when i was posting it that it did make sense, fit in the world, was followable, interesting but not just exposition monologue, etc

yeah, chapter 30 where they have the reveal convo is the primary climax of the story and that's also 'just talking' in a sense so its interesting to write this story in that sense lol

while i had the broad outline of the world and dale's backstory from the beginning (i did a little exercise where i sketched out a sort of Dale POV of chapter 6 to get into his mindset which was super helpful) as I wrote the story a lot more of that info became fully fleshed out/defined. so for the novelization, i'll probably try to work more of the info in earlier or have better allusions to it, which will make some of the info in chapter 34 more of a quick confirmation than the exposition itself

ie i might add a chapter with more detail on Sana researching with Dale's books that Bilmont smuggles and plant suspicions of what went wrong with the summoning; i might adjust the chapter after the attack to be more of a convo about the assassination that the grandparents interrupt where Sana can suspect more of Dale's past etc and generally spread out what i can so its more foreshadowed/natural - things like that

other aspects sort of have to be told to Sana because its POV limited, evn when it is updated to 3rd POV. i'll probably do a straight POV swap and minor edit ; then take a look at it as a whole, reassess things on my own, run those ideas by some writer friends/betas and get their thoughts, and finally my editors (who i used for DSM) are also very good with making sure worldbuilding fits in right and so their advice will be helpful - especially since they will only get the draft i giv them without knowing how it was and what changed etc

once chapter 35 is out (which i'm still writing because smut is a challenge to right and i write it more slowly than other things) i'll start slowly editing and passing along to betas the rest of the story (i've got thru chap 11 done and betas who only read those and who are chomping at the bit - u think u've had a long wait? lol) but it will be spring by the time i do any big edits/revisions and then i'll giv it to the editors, who i already lik, semi-lined up for that time period and idk how long they will take because its a long book and then i'll need to process their edits too so it'll be a lengthy process, but i hope everyone knows it will 100% b a novel and i hope they enjoy it!

now back to stabbing away at the smut writing ;)

Do you have any Mater headcanons? If so, can you tell us about it? He’s my childhood favorite, and he still is!

im gonna be completely honest.. we dont see him too much in our conversations 💔 BUT thats not saying we havent talked about him before!! we dont have many headcanons for him but there are a couple pretty silly ones i like

- i think he’s probably never.. properly serviced his truck. hes not a mechanic by any means, but he still tries to fix whatevers wrong with it (doing the bare minimum, of course) with ramones guidance. its sort of like one of those old abandoned cars you’d see left to rot on someones lawn or in their driveway, the interior is also bare minimum and the seats are destroyed, but mater argues it’s because it’s a well loved vehicle.

- he taught himself how to weld? he can make little things out of scrap metal — he welded sheriff’s gun to a toaster once and had to pay for a new one (his family is rich, he can handle it) and he made his own canon that he shoots things with

- wears jorts casually and unironically, thinks hes the pinnacle of fashion

- he doesnt know firework safety. or just any fire-related safety ever. he accidentally causes an oil fire and tells lightning to put it out with water - it promptly blows up in his face. he’s blown lightning up with fireworks on multiple occasions to. lightning is just very prone to colourful things that explode

- this one is self explanatory

- piss jokes are comedy fucking gold. nothing is better than piss jokes for him.

- repainting is futile, he tries it anyways and there are just Awful green splotches all over his truck, he says it gives it personality but ramone cringes every time he sees it. its an insult to him and his craft (painting cars)

again im so sorry we dont have anymore, this is the most i could think of at the moment 😭💔 I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THEM THOUGH

god the idea of all of class 77 just having this weird special bond with eachother is so special to me 😭😭 i do wonder, though- given all of them are dealing with a LOT, and recovery isn't pretty, do you think fights/kind of lashing out would ever happen? if so, with who, and how do you think the group would handle that kind of stuff?

Oh for SUUUURE I dont go into it as much, because I too love people being special to each other and the sweetness of it, but these are messy people in uniquely messy situation so for sure they're gonna clash

Like, no WAY Sonia and Souda don't have a huge blowout at some point, maybe before anyone starts waking up even. Sonia deserves to have a moment where she just fuckin yells at him and lets it all out and makes him take her seriously enough to apologize and think about himself, and then they can continue being their own weird brand of friends.

Fuyuhiko still has anger issues, even though he's trying hard to be a kinder person, so he's definitely gonna have moments of snapping at people. I think he's a little too cowed to be arguing with Mahiru, but I could see him having it out with Hiyoko once or twice. I also think things might be a bit tense between him and Peko while Peko adapts to their new non-indentured friendship.

And yeah Hiyoko still has a major attitude problem and tbh, TBH, I think she deserves to get a little smack of "Not Acceptable" consequences. I think she might have a fight at Fuyuhiko, and OOF... Mikan. I think those two just need to be kept away from each other for a while after waking up, possibly the closest thing the group gets to repeating the murder part of the game. Mahiru employed to keep an eye on Hiyoko and Hajime keeping an eye on Mikan, shit probably gets real tense.

I think Impostor is... not NOT mad at Teru, but calm about it, so there's no huge fight, just cold shoulders and awkwardness.

And then there's Nagito. Yknow. Hes a whole topic in himself, I'd imagine Teru doesn't feel super warm towards him and there's the really bad tension between him and Hajime too. Hajime *would* sort of be keeping an eye on him, but. That's not good for Hajime's own psyche, so he is forcibly replaced by various others.

That's just already-established grievances. However, based on just. Unfortunate clashing;

Fuyuhiko has anger issues, Souda has some history of abuse. They probably need to find a balance there, where Souda never actually feels unsafe and Fuyuhiko manages to let out steam without being taken too seriously. He also might clash with and need to watch himself around Mahiru and Mikan.

TeruTeru gets sat the FUCK down and told that if he crosses people's boundaries, there will be Consequences. ESPECIALLY if he tries any shit with Akane or Mikan.

Hiyoko does not get to be Like That with Mikan anymore. She tries, just as a first reaction (her attitude is probably a defense mechanism and she does feel unsafe around Mikan), but it's not allowed to go as far as it used to. Not with anyone else either. Also Mikan probably needs to keep a distance herself.

I've talked about Mikan on her own before and the potential of her being s more complex case than the rest, on account that she might remember her entire time with Junko and not just gradual bits of it. If so, I made / am making the little Eye Yoink comic bits, which would probably be the most serious conflict. I'd just imagine that she's kind of .. generally unstable, and shouldn't be left alone with anyone too long. I kind of like the idea that she like.... well if she's the only one who fully remembers what things were like in school, that's already very alienating, and she might try to intentionally trigger other people's memories (maybe not even out of malice, just desperation and wanting someone else to Get It). But that might be a big problem for people who are just not ready to remember all that stuff. People who are already a bit grey on the moral spectrum (Fuyuhiko, Hiyoko, Peko) and people who have a hard time dealing with who they used to be (Nekomaru, Gundham, Sonia... kind of everyone tbh but some are better at compartmentalizing).

FSR I've just decided that Gundham is in a physically bad condition when he wakes up, and ofc Akane. That would probably be a bit rough to deal with, two people who base a lot of their self-worth on being strong (very different ideas of strength though). That's more of an internal struggle that might have some collateral damage but still. I can see them getting frustrated and lashing out at people like Nekomaru and Ibuki, who have obvious and abundant energy and are more okay with their unfamiliar bodies.

Ryota is just generally Anxious around absolutely everyone. Thankfully Impostor is very protective of him and takes good care of him, and people like Ibuki and Akane are quick to sort of forcefully adopt him, but I'll bet there's moments where he just locks himself in his room for a couple of days because Fuyuhiko yelled at him or Hiyoko called him a smelly shrimp boy or Gundham cursed him or something.

Nagito needs to curb The Way He Talks about stuff, at least a little, because it tends to send people dangerously close to to a bad place. He only wants what's best for everyone!...kinda? But he tends to just give off the opposite energy. Also boy needs to learn some self worth. So for his sake and everyone else's, he needs some mental assistance, but the person most qualified for that is the person that he clashed with the very most. I dont know what the solution to that is lol its probably an ongoing conflict

The good thing is, there's many of them! So I think whenever there is a big fight or a lot of conflict, someone can always step up for both parties and help keep the peace, without disrupting their routine too much. No one ever needs to be left out, at least.

i'm a woman with substance use disorder. i didn't get sober through some grand noble journey to Get Better (not that there's a single thing wrong with that!). how i got sober differed depending on the substance. one medication, for a long time i kept stringing psychiatrists along and eventually was unable to keep getting my prescription, and i was going through a string of moves so i was unable to get it off the street, so getting off it wasn't really a choice (i do have one dose left though, i hold onto it just to feel like i have the option to use it if i need). another medication, i still have a prescription for but the comedown was getting so brutal that i just couldn't handle it anymore, so i don't often get the urge to use it because i know what fresh hell is waiting for me on the other side. i did used to have a daily weed use habit, but as i got older i my allergy to it randomly got worse so i had to stop that too. drinking i still struggle with, i binge every single time, but tbh nowadays i'm too lazy to keep up on my stock so the problem is more under control. all this to say, i guess my advice is to try to make it as inconvenient as possible to use, for me that's a big deterrent. you could also try to allow yourself use but on a very strict schedule, like only on a certain day(s) or only x number of times a week. PLEASE remember to ask yourself H.A.L.T. (are you Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?), it helped me address some of the underlying causes of my use which helped me reduce it. i've heard people who swear up and down by AA or NA or groups like that. they have a big religion component and the men there can be scummy but having that support and a social group can make a world of difference, for me it was a general group therapy group. i do also think there's something that can happen to addicts where we can become addicted to being sad/suffering, like there's an edginess to it that makes you feel smarter and cooler and more honest than everyone else, like no one else Gets the Depth Of Being Human and they're all naive and etc. no one likes to talk about it but it's true, and acknowledging that i was in love with being at my lowest really called me out on my own shit. i'm keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you the absolute best luck, it'll suck so hard but it's 1000% worth it <333 ily

oh my god thank you so much this actually already helps a lot! and yeah there is such an identity component to drug use many dont talk about… its true. i mean my therapist will help me to get in some sort of program so i really do have access to resources and shit and i think going to a clinic is not the issue but life after… i have tried going sober several times and always had some sort of yoyo effect basically. i also dont just struggle with substances but other addictions and lack of impulse control too. and ive tried doing it in moderation but it never works out longterm. the HALT tip is actually gold, thank you thank you thank you for sharing and your advice and your kind words it means a lot! 🩷

a rant about neurological testing

so i told my psychiatrist that i was thinking of trying to get tested for autism (i'm sure i am autistic, did many many years of research to be sure, but was never formally diagnosed). and she said "oh i'd better put you on the wait list right now because it's super long, don't worry we'll have plenty of time to talk about it before you get the the front of the line".

fine ok. and i look up her company to see how they are on diagnosing adults and surprise they are very good for that, one of the few who does it a lot. so, great!

imagine my surprise when i am scheduled for an appointment with neurological testing within the month. i dont want to say no and not bea able to test later, so i guess i'm doing this? also weird: it's on zoom. and just one day?? i dont know maybe i'm confused about what this involves

anyway! my appointment was today. and apparently it was some sort of audition to see if i can move on to the next step. i had to explain to the tester (who wasnt even from the same org as my psych, he's from some other place...) why i was there and i wasnt sure what to say so i guessed as best i could. and he kept getting interrupted? like people kept coming in and talking to him? and he didnt mute himself or anything.

so i guess i passed the audition because he said he was going to have his office send me a link to an online evaluation and after he got the results from that he would see about having me come in for testing.

anyway! i got the link and sat down to do the assessment and it turns out it is 30 minutes of video games which i am SO BAD AT--i hit the wrong button a lot and double click when im supposed to single click so i will accidentally pick the same square twice or whatever and it hurts my hands and the games all beep and flash and its awful.

then it is time for questionaires and most of them are about "the child" and it warns me to take into account what is appropriate for the child at the child's age. and i assume they mean me but im not a kid so i guess they mean me WHEN i was a child but at what age? all the ages? so i guessed and i tried to average everything accross my ages and i had no one to ask and no way to write and clarify anything and then they asked all these drug questions but i dont do drugs and some of the questions were about what happened when i abused drugs and there was no option for not applicable so i just hit "no" but even though i think that was what i was supposed to do i still had a panic attack and the whole thing was the worst

and i have no idea if it will give anyone an accurate picture of anything and i am so stressed and upset now.

anyway. i am not going to do anything else today. since th test i have sat with some tea and read a book. i feel a bit better (so now i'm just mad, not panicky anymore). and i am going to make myself go for a walk this evening when it's not sunny. (it's too bright i can't handle it now)

i hope everyone else has a better day! if you also had a rough task today, i offer sympathetic internet hugs or a friendly cup of tea.