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pacifymebby · 1 month

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t r o u b l e / chapter thirty three

Sonya

Despite their disbelief, and perhaps in some ways despite my own, when my brothers raised their brows and smirked down at me like we were all in on some kind of in-joke, I remained determined. Standing in front of them with my arms crossed over my chest, tears streaking my cheeks and brimming in my eyes as I looked up at them both with a fierce kind of defiance. It was a look that had they been asked they'd have said they'd not seen from their other sisters. Only me.

"Sonya love, have you ever actually cooked breakfast before?" Chuckled Arthur not realising the cold glare he would receive from me until it was too late. Until the steely look in my eyes had left him swallowing a lump in his throat whilst Tommy laughed at his sudden shyness.

"Fen no one's asking you to cook breakfast eh, we've not got the time anyway... If you want to help why don't you go put the kettle on, nice strong cup of coffee will see us right." Said Tommy, his own expression a little softer though he was still smirking too, still laughing at me quietly, thinking I couldn't tell that he was laughing at me quietly.

So I fixed him with the same determined glare and I tried my best to strike the same icy warning into his heart. But his had always been impenetrable and so he didn't flinch. Only patted me on the cheek and let his lips tug into a small closed lipped smile before sending me on my way.

And because I wasn't Sylvie I did as I was told. Stormed through the hallway and into the kitchen, feeling the cool of the stone floor on my feet, wishing it would cool the humiliation burning inside me and on my skin so that no one else could witness my childish temper. The tears which had flushed my cheeks the way they would have done a little girl.

I put the coffee pot on the stove and lit the gas burner watching it with determined eyes. I held myself with my arms around my body, fingers grazing my shoulders, trying to hold myself together and soothe my wild emotions. It all felt so tight, so overwhelming, this choked up feeling in my chest and in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears.

They'd laughed at me, I'd wanted to help and they'd chuckled and dismissed my concerns the way they always had ever since I was a little girl. Me and Sylvie had always been those sisters, the ones who couldn't possibly understand, the ones who were too sweet for their own good and so we're affectionately smirked at and dismissed with ease.

Even now when it was Sylvie we were all so fucking concerned for. They still couldn't spare me a shred of seriousness.

I flinched when I felt hands on top of mine over my shoulders. A startled breath escaping me as my body stiffened.

"Use the cafetiere," Aunt Pol's voice was husky but warm, she sounded like she'd spent the night out in the gardens and when I remembered what Bonnie had told me the night before I couldn't help but smirk. "That's how I like to slow them down when their reckless schemes start running away with them." She rubbed her hands over my shoulders, holding me back against her in a motherly embrace. One which didn't help me hold back my tears. "Now, what's this I hear about you spending the night snuggled up with a gypsy lad eh?" She asked with a teasing light in her eyes when she spun me around to face her, trying to distract me by painting a blush on my cheeks.

I'd hardly thought of Bonnie since my brothers had returned to the manor covered in blood, that wild murderers look in their hollow features. Now that Polly had reminded me of the way I'd spent the early hours of the morning cradled in his gentle arms, it was hard not to think of anything else. Hard to ignore the twinge of guilt the butterflies in my tummy evoked.

So I looked at her with my head cocked and smirked.

"Could ask you the same question..."

And when I said that her eyes went wide and her smile grew to a grin of disbelief, her laughter a low chuckle as she feigned spanking my cheek.

"Cheeky little girl!" She laughed, though she didn't deny my suggestion and her smile told me everything I needed to know.

That Bonnie had been telling the truth. But more than that, she was happy. Really happy.

"You look so shocked Pol," I said slyly, my smile teasing now, my blush faded at the sight of hers, "don't you know no one gets to keep secrets in this family..."

I hadn't meant to wipe the smile off her face or leave her with a guilty shadow in her eyes. I'd only been teasing, thought we were in on the joke together but when I saw the way her face fell I felt another shard of guilt through my heart.

"Oh Pol I'm..." I began but she shook her head, smile twitched in the corner of her mouth.

"Don't be sorry love," she said, "I'm as sure it's true as anyone else..." she said taking the pot of the stove and filling the cafetiere. "There's a trolley love," she said, "and a tray... The trick is to force them to slow down... You want them to eat when they're in this state? You have to trick them into it... Fuckin thick headed cunts the lot of them..."

"Men in general or just my brothers?" I asked dryly as I arranged a vintage tea set and placed the cafetiere at the center of the tray on the trolley.

"There are some..." she mused, that twinkle in her eyes as she looked at me, "and when you find one you make sure to do much more than cuddle up on the sofa for the evening my girl..." she winked before sending me on my way.

I rolled my eyes, kept the thought to myself.

That I already had found one. That I already had done more than cuddle up on the sofa for the evening. That the evidence of that was growing in my womb cradled inside me. Terrifying me.

"Well well," chuckled John when I disturbed the peace in the dining room with the rattle of the trolley. "There was me thinking we'd spoiled you so much you didn't know where the kitchen was..." he teased, leaning back in his chair, his legs kicked up on the dining table as he scrolled his phone.

The kids were in the living room and the sound of cartoon network could be heard through the open doors. The television turned up a little too loud, probably on purpose.

I knew what they were like my brothers see, turn the TV up and shut the kids in the living room out of the way, let the kids think they're pulling one over on the adults by staying in there quietly, watching the TV all morning instead of going outside or doing their homework. They'd probably feel so proud of themselves, so mischievous and clever. Really it was just their dad's wanting them out the way for a few hours whilst they ironed out the details of their next dark deed.

"Ain't for you..." I narrowed my eyes at him but the smirk on my lips was enough to let him know I didn't mean it.

"Don't know if you've noticed Fen but I'm the only one here..." he grinned, the kind of shit eating grin he'd always been able to piss me off with. More so that morning because I knew he was right, I'd noticed Tommy and Arthur's absence the second I'd walked in.

The fact that I'd been breaking silence was enough to tell me that my brothers had once again tried to manipulate the situation, even if only so they could sneak away without so much as a coffee. So that they could push my concerns and Pols concerns to the side. Carry on charging ahead as if they were the only people in the world that mattered.

But whatever they'd been planning they'd failed. That much became apparent when Arthur came stumbling through the door, arms raised above his head in surrender ducking out the way of a whipped tea towel.

"Now you fuckin get in there, sit yourselves down and drink your sodding coffee! Your sisters been thoughtful enough to brew it so you'll bloody well sit down and enjoy it!" Scolded Polly following him into the room, turning with her hand on her hip to Tommy who stood in the doorway watching as his brother fell into a chair at the dining table. His freshly washed hair still dripping wet onto his new shirt.

Tommy chuckled, stroked his chin as he took in the sight of his defeated brother, as he looked between me and Polly and shook his head.

"Fuckin women..." he shook his head, a smirk on his lips which didn't fly with our aunt.

"Fuckin women are the only reason any of you daft cunts are still alive!" She said sharply, "now sit down Thomas..."

"Alright, alright.." he chuckled pulling a chair out from the table, sitting down slowly, too casually. Pols scolding leaving no mark on him as he folded the collar of his shirt down and finished doing up the buttons.

The two of them had clearly been so much determined to leave before we could notice, that they'd barely dressed themselves, shoes on before their shirts were tucked in or their watches were set.

"Alright," sighed Tommy, "we'll drink the fuckin coffee... " He sat back in his chair, arms resting on the arms, looking up at Polly with that quiet, smirking sort of challenge in his eyes. Like he was laughing at us both quietly. But he wouldn't dare laugh at Polly.

"Thank you Fen, you shouldn't have..." nodded Arthur a little stiffly, his voice gruff as he raised his empty mug in my direction awkwardly.

Tommy watched me as I reached for the press, pushing it slowly with a trembling hand. I couldn't tell you why I was so nervous but in that moment I felt all the weight in the world pushing down with me, felt like everyone in the room was watching me. Like the rising tension was dependent entirely on me. If I made one wrong move, pushed the press a little too quickly, if I spilt any when I poured them each a cup, the whole thin conversation would tear in two. I felt the words rush from me before I knew what I was asking or why I was asking it.

"You said he hasn't hurt her?" I asked in the same moment Arthur opened his mouth to break the silence too. We'd always been the same side of nervous.

"No Fen, he hasn't hurt her." Said Tommy calmly. It was unnerving the way his expression didn't change.

"Good," I said, I could hear the slight rattle of metal on metal as my trembling fingers hovered over the cafetiere. Knew I was only talking now to drown it out. "That's good."

"Thomas..." started Pol, she hasn't sat down, had remained standing there in my periphery, in shadow. When she spoke now it was with conviction, a desperation she was trying to hide from me and me only.

And then Tommy let out a sigh, one of those long drawn out sort of sighs. The kind I knew would be followed by a question. The kind of question I knew was going to start another fight. I just hadn't expected his question to be directed at me.

"What are you doing making us coffee for Fen?"

"Just drink your fucking coffee Thomas for fuck sake..." started Polly, the roll of her eyes enough to leave Arthur smirking like a naughty school boy. But Tommy didn't seem to notice at all.

"No really, Fen... what are you doing? You shouldn't be making us fuckin coffee..." and suddenly although he spoke quietly, I could see a kind of worn out frustration in his eyes. In the way he held my gaze when I froze with the cafetière hovering above Arthur's coffee cup.

"I mean, now that we're here brother, it has been a long night and a coffee would probably take the edge off the drive down..." Started Arthur, only trailing off when Tommy raised his hand to silence him, moved his cold eyes from me to our older brother without a word.

I looked between them, the cafetière feeling heavy in my hands as I found myself frozen. Waiting for permission to pour Arthur's mug.

"Didn't I always say that you and your sister, and Finn for that matter, didn't I always say that you three weren't gonna grow up into all this?"

"It's just coffee Tom..." started Arthur, his brow knitted in confusion.

I however already understood.

"No," Tommy shook his head, "no brother, it ain't just coffee at all.. see you think its just coffee to begin with and thats the trouble, you think its just one cup of coffee the morning after the night from hell but it ain't, that fuckin coffee is just the seed and before you know it its a hot cup of coffee whilst she's washing the blood from our shirts and then next time she's cleaning our wounds, and then maybe one day she'll learn to fuckin pull a bullet from our arm and patch us back up and then the next thing you know she's there at the very fuckin heart of it watching as the gun gets fired... and if you ain't fuckin careful the next time a gun goes off it'll be her finger on the trigger eh..."

I didn't realise I'd been pouring until I looked down and saw it spilling over the rim of Arthurs cup into the saucer.

"It's never just a cup of coffee..." finished Tommy looking only at me. Holding my gaze as I remained frozen like a deer in the headlights.

I didn't realise I was still pouring until it began to trickle over the edge of the saucer onto the table cloth.

"Shit...sorry Arthur..." I whispered when I felt his hand on my wrist to steady me, taking the cafetière from my hands and placing it down on the table.

"Never you mind love, never you mind..." he said warmly, a wry grin on his lips when John piped up.

"Aye Fen, s'only a fuckin coffee after all..." he sniggered, "christ Tommy, you think she's made you one cup of coffee so now she's got a taste for the criminal fuckin underworld... our Fen's gonna start sleeping with a gun under her pillow just cause she knows I take two sugars in me tea?" he was grinning, laughing into his sleeve but Tommy was still starring fixedly at me.

"Bloody theatrics Thomas," scolded Polly as she shook her head and sat down, her arms folded across her chest. "Enough fuckin theatrics, this melodrama ain't gonna bring my little niece home is it? If you care so much about what your sisters do and don't see I suggest you focus on Sylvie in the lions fuckin den eh?"

"Thats where we was going ain't it Pol.. you're the one who stopped us ain't you..."

Tommy reached across the table to pour himself a cup of coffee. He fixed me with the same determined sorry look in his eyes once more but this time I didn't look away. I couldn't. Something about that unspoken apology had me captivated by morbid curiosity.

I knew I wasn't going to like what he had to say for himself and yet I wanted to hear it all the same.

"I mean it Fen," he said without acknowledging Polly or Arthur, speaking to me as if it was only me sitting at that table with him, "You ain't here to look after us and I don't want you anywhere near any of this from now on..."

"I live here now remember Tommy." I said quietly, determined to hold his gaze despite the nerves that sparked inside me. "I can't fuckin leave."

"All the same... wasn't right you seeing us the way you did this morning, it wasn't right and I'm sorry..."

"Fuck your sorry..." I fixed him with a glare, fists clenched so that my nails stung my palms. And I meant it. Couldn't forgive him for dragging me all the way here, holding me prisoner in my own fucking family home only to announce so surely that I wasn't to be part of the family. That I wasn't to help at all. That my other brothers were giggling about all the ways in which I wasn't like them. That even my aunt was smirking a little because Tommy's melodrama had left me the butt of another one of Johns stupid jokes.

"Fen..." groaned Arthur seeing my temper, one which never really rushed me the way that Sylvie's did her. One which seemed to spring up in a flurry of tears instead.

Tears they could all no doubt see were brimming in my eyes then as I stood there trying to be angry instead of just hurt.

"Fuck your sorrys, you're my fucking brothers," I sniffled, "you found my sister..."

"Aye but we shouldn't have fuckin lost her..." Said Arthur, his gruff voice laced with a guilt I knew ran deep.

"Either way," I said, doing my best to hold myself together, my arms folded over my chest more to keep myself secure than anything else, "if I want to make you coffee I'll make you fuckin coffee."

For a moment the room was silent. Arthur looking at his hand holding his coffee a little too tightly. John looking down at his lap, his smirk still sitting unrivalled on his lips. Tommy still just looking at me, just watching. Somewhere behind his eyes the cogs were turning and he was organising and compartmentalising every feeling that had rushed out of me and into him.

I felt the flush or irritation, my anguish and embarrassment as the tears began to trickle down my cheeks and I began to cry. I was only humiliating myself. Only proving to them once again that Tommy was right, that I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near them or "it" because I wasn't made for this world. I was made for something else, some other life lined with cotton wool, softened by wealth and a good school.

I wanted to leave. Wanted to runaway from them again but as if he could read my mind Tommy pulled out the empty chair beside him and told me to sit down. And because the rush of anger had already left me, I did as I was told and I sat there, hands holding each other in my lap, starring intently at the empty coffee cup in front of me.

I didn't have the courage to look any of them in the eyes. Didn't have the tenacity to smirk along when John let out a chuckle and made some half hearted joke about the nuclear family.

"Y'know Fen," said Tommy, ignoring the chuckle John had drawn from Arthur, talking as if there wasn't a single other soul in that room but him and me, "you're all mam you are, ain't a shadow of our father in you..."

It was my turn to smirk then. Knowing what that really meant. Knowing that it was the kindest way he could possibly tell me I was least Shelby-like Shelby, that it was a wonder me and Sylvie were twins. That it was a wonder I was family at all.

"And thats a good thing sweetheart!" said Arthur leaning across the table to rub my shoulder, to pinch my chin and force my gaze up to his, "thats somat to fuckin smile about that is!"

Tommy had always said the same in softer words, assured me that it was a good thing but there were times I wasn't so sure. Time like just then, when I was sitting at a table with all of them, Polly with all her shadows and sinister memories, the troubles she'd survived because of her sharp spirit, my brothers who'd learned to breathe through the killing at an early age.

"Aye," nodded John, "imagine the hell you'd have put us through if you were both like fuckin Syl eh?"

I didn't say a word, just sat there trying to catch my tears on my long sleeves, trying to control the sobs which were always so difficult to catch up with once they'd started.

Tommy poured me a coffee and I tried to say thank you but when my voice caught in my throat my eyes welled up tearful once more so I shook my head, forced a tight closed lipped smile and did my best told hold my hands steady enough to hold my cup.

"Right well," said Tommy, both hands on the arms of his chair as he stood and broke the silence, "enough of my fuckin theatrics eh?" he said, "Arthur come on, we're wasting precious time ain't we, wouldn't want those lions to turn now would we..."

"Thomas..." said Polly, her voice shadowed with the same warning from before. Her chair scraped across the floor sharply as she stood. Her hand hesitant to reach out to her nephew. She looked desperate. A still and silent desperation, one which wanted to scream but couldn't. She was trying to control it but these days the darkness she felt inside had a tendency to seep into every corner of the room.

"Not now Pol, you're the one who wanted us to focus on Fen..." he said gesturing for Arthur to follow him as they turned to the dining room door and Polly began to scramble after them.

"Yes but Tommy!" her voice was shredded, shaking, she sounded so scared, too scared for that quiet early morning dining room, "Thomas wait! Tommy!" she called catching him, snatching at his shirt sleeve only to be shrugged off, ducking beneath his arm and snatching at his collar instead. Forcing him to a standstill as she looked up at him with fierce but desperate eyes. Wild, almost manic. It was a fear I'd never seen before. One which had me stand slowly, shakily to my feet. One which left a hollow feeling between my heart and my throat.

"Tommy please! Just... just fucking listen to me alright, you can't go!"

"For god sake Pol!" he snapped, his temper flaring as he tried to push her away and she tightened her grip, her fingers threatening to tear his clothes. "You want us to bring her home don't you?" he asked, cutting her off when she tried to argue, her 'yes but...' broken in two by Tommy's sharper tone, "don't you?"

"But not like this! Not now! Tommy you don't understand... you aren't listening to me, to what I've seen!"

And when she said those words I saw John roll his eyes. Heard him push his own chair back and felt his presence behind me, his hands on my shoulders.

"Cmon Fen," he sighed, "don't need to watch this..."

"Enough!" snapped Tommy, his voice lowering when he pushed her up against the fireplace, the hearth digging into the back of her neck, her wide eyes rabbit like as she stood her ground, whole body shaking. This cloudy kind of panic in her eyes.

"Tommy what the..." I started, Arthur's voice drowning mine out as we protested, the same pitiful "be careful," that went ignored.

John tried to shift me a pace forward but I couldn't move, couldn't take my eyes of my brothers, off my aunt who looked petrified. Not of Tommy, not of the threat on the tip of his tongue or the way he held her, but of something else. Of what she'd seen.

"Cmon Fen..." whispered John with a little more urgency, "trust me lass these turns are never easy to watch..."

"John what turns?" I whispered, "what do you mean turns? What's wrong with her?" I asked quietly, voice shaking as I looked on in horror.

"Enough now Pol! Eh?" Tommy held her face in both his hands, his own face so close to hers she must have been able to feel his breath on her cheeks. "Enough," he said a little quieter.

"Listen to me Tommy, Thomas please, you don't understand... you can't go now... you'll get her back but not... not this way not like this, please Thomas don't look at me like I'm crazy you know I'm not fucking crazy... this is the truth you just don't want to accept it... please Thomas listen to me!" she hissed, her voice a low whispered mumble, frantic, words tripping over words. "what about Michael Tommy, I told you about Michael... didn't I... I saw him Tommy, I saw him and then... just the same... just like this... Thomas, I saw him!" she implored him, her horror washing over Tommy like water he couldn't feel as he looked at her with a growing sadness and shook his head. There was something so hopeless about them both then, the way they gripped one another too tightly, the way she looked to him with all this desperation, this certainty that he would give in if only she could get through to him. The way he looked at her the way you look at all lost things: wondering how they'd gotten there.

Even when John pushed me a little harder, forced me to leave the room with him I was still watching her. Couldn't take my eyes off her until she was out of sight. Her manic eyes clouded over. She'd said she wasn't crazy but it was a kind of madness, the fear which had gripped her, driven her to that wild panic.

I watched my brothers leave in the range rover not twenty minutes later. The blacked out windows reflecting the early morning sun. Tires crunching gravel as they rolled slowly out of the driveway. I watched them from my bedroom window, holding myself carefully, still thinking about that morning. The fireplace digging into the back of Pollys neck. The sorry look in Tommys eyes when she'd started mumbling. Her distressed whispers going round and round in my head.

I stood watching the garden, not really seeing the garden at all. Seeing neither the empty driveway nor the rain gathering in puddles which saturated the grass and the flowerbeds. Left mud seeping between the stones. It was a grey sky overhead, a gathering gloom. The rain in the night had carried through to morning and the world seemed stubborn to stay the same. Stubborn like a fucking Shelby.

The bedroom was dark because I hadn't turned the lights up that morning and the sunlight wasn't strong enough to poke through the grey. So the room was shadowed as if the clouds hung from my ceiling and as I thought about Polly, wondered where she was now, I felt as in shadow myself.

And perhaps that's why I didn't notice his shadow in the doorway, didn't notice him at all until he'd tapped three times and my name had left his lips a little too softly to be heard above the rain. Still, he'd reached me somehow and I turned sharply, startled by him though I shouldn't have been.

"Sorry..." he said when he saw my wide eyes, saw how pale I was, how cloaked in shadow, "didn't mean to..." he trailed off, like he'd noticed something just behind me but really it was just me, just the grey which lingered under my red rimmed eyes. He could see everything I'd seen that morning haunting me. "Been looking for you."

"Not a very good bodyguard then are you," I said a little too stiffly, my smile a little delayed so that at first I sounded sharper, more sullen than I'd meant to, "I've been in my room all day... isn't that the first place you'd want to start looking?"

"Had a sneaky feeling you didn't want to be found straight away..." he said his eyes meeting mine with a quiet understanding.

"Clever boy." I forced a smirk, tried to roll my eyes and joke along. Struggled to hide the struggle.

"You don't need to worry about Pol," he said then, his voice had the same shadow in it I recognised from the way my brothers often spoke, I knew he was trying to say more, "she's staying with me da, down by the river, he reckons it'll settle her, the trees and the water an all..." he trailed off, realising perhaps that I wasn't quite listening. Realising perhaps that when he'd mentioned the river, the trees, my mind had followed Pol blindly to the edge of the estate. That telling me she was alright wasn't going to stop my mind wandering always back to the mornings theatrics. The fireplace digging into her neck. The words which had tumbled so troubled from her lips.

"She said she saw Michael..." I said, "do you know what she meant?"

In truth I had a feeling I already knew exactly what she'd meant.

"No lass," he said softly, "don't know your aunt Pol half as well as I should all considered," he added with a cheekier smile as he slipped inside the bedroom and closed the door, leaning back against it until it clicked shut, waiting a moment more before he lowered his voice "but I'll take you down to the camp later, you can ask her yourself eh? Just don't mention it to your brother cause he'll have me balls..."

"But..." I started, mouth opening and closing. There was still so much space between us, me leaning against the window frame, him the doorframe. My eyes fixed on his through the low grey light. There was something so haunted, so weary about the scene and yet still he was smirking. Still he didn't seem scared at all. Unphased by the darkness I'd felt closing in on me all day. "What's wrong with her?" I asked, "why won't they let me see her?" I felt the panic rise in my throat. The doomed worry. Id been ruminating on the trouble all day, thinking of all these different illnesses and conditions that could explain Tommy's sorrow, that hopeless sigh which had left John earlier that morning when he'd tried to steer me away and out of earshot. Dementia, Schizophrenia, Psychosis, some kind of post traumatic stress induced breakdown. All would have been more logical ways of explaining away my aunts outburst, and in truth it would have been more comforting to believe that she really had been suffering some kind of hallucination. But I wasn't stupid.

"They think she's ill," said Bonnie his voice grave, "she ain't though, just like anyone else who gets a bad feelin about somet and trusts it..."

"Gypsy shit?" I asked only able to smile when he split a grin and laughed.

"Aye," he said shaking his head a little, relieved to see me smiling along with him, relieved that for a moment that shadow had been lifted, "aye its gypsy shit..."

"Oh," I said feeling a little flutter of relief, a strange frenzied butterfly feeling inside me as my smile grew and his eyes lit up a little. No more shadows. "Well thats good," I said nodding, "good I'm glad."

"Well, little miss Glad," he chuckled, "actually came looking for you because I thought you might like to come watch your bodyguard in action... y'know, see just how tough I am..." he held up his fists as if to demonstrate his fighters prowess but couldn't hold the serious face for long enough and when he cracked another grin I couldn't help but laugh at him, already straying from the window towards him when he shook his head and nodded me over.

"Promise it won't be half as boring as you think."

"Two men punching each other?" I raised my brow, tried not show him how I was smiling as he opened the door for me and I stepped carefully beneath the arch of his arm.

"Trust me... it'll be good... you'll definitely enjoy it, bodyguards guarantee..."

"You seem pretty confident..." I said turning back to look at him over my shoulder, unable to take my eyes off him when I saw his cheeky smile and the way it lit up his eyes. How even in this shadowy house he could lighten the way.

"Aye," he grinned, "I'm about to wipe the floor with your big brother after all..."

I gasped at that, hands covering my mouth as I tried to hold back my disbelieving laughter.

"You train with John?" It wasn't astounding I suppose, it was just that John seemed bulkier than Bonnie and it was hard to imagine my brother taking any kind of training seriously.

"No," chuckled Bonnie, "Johns a lazy bastard, usually train with me cousins, your Arthur's been teachin me some tricks... Sometimes I train with Isaiah but..." he trailed off, fingers tangling in the hair at the bottom of his neck, the dark curls scrunched in his half closed fist.

"But what?" I held back my smirk, I could tell he was holding back, trying to be polite.

"Nothing," he grinned sheepishly, "ignore me miss Gray, forgot who I was talking to for a moment there... Come on I'll show you the..."

"No," I stopped, reached out for his t-shirt to stop him too, "go on tell me what you were going to say!" I grinned, my smile wider than I realised, eyes lit up until he turned and caught my gaze. A shyness I couldn't understand sucker punching me the second his eyes met mine. And it shouldn't have, because he was smiling too and his eyes were lit just the same.

"There you go another Shelby, making your demands of me!" He grinned, teasing me and enjoying the sight of my blush, my mouth opening and then closing when I realised I was stuck for something to say. And suddenly it felt like there was an unbridgeable distance between us again, the space between us taking on that stiff quality which made me feel so self conscious and certain I was getting everything wrong.

"Please?" I winced, hoping it was enough, hoping to hold onto whatever light-hearted relief this could be.

And it was. But when he made to close the gap between us, his hand grasping mine to tug me through a door into a hallway which smelt a little musky, I felt that shyness grip me a little tighter. Because suddenly he was standing so close to me, my body hesitant between his and the wall. His hand cupped between his mouth and my ear. He had that laughing tone in his voice when he spoke, warm, cheekier than I was used to. It almost put me at ease and yet something had me struggling to keep track of my breath.

"Thing is these days," he started, "Isaiah's too worried about his face to fight hard..." He said, his low voice tickling my cheek, making me giggle, my hand over my mouth like a little girl as I looked up at him with wide eyes, in awe rather than scandalised.

Because Bonnie must have known he fell below Isaiah in the hierarchy, but he didn't seem all that bothered at having insulted him. In fact he seemed to find himself really rather funny and I couldn't deny that he was right. Still, I couldn't let him get away with the cocky little smirk he wore just then.

"I guess that makes sense..." I said softly, "can tell you're not worried about yours."

His smirk faltered then but only for a moment and I didn't feel bad. I knew he could see through me, knew he could see me smiling, could see the blush which had crept up on me at the thought of having to insult him.

"Aye lass," he grinned, "the bruises actually enhance my rugged good looks..." he teased, his hand flat to my lower back as he guided me away from the wall and pushed me a pace forward down the hallway, through the spa's locker room and into the gym I hadn't realised was there.

Once I was inside however I realised swiftly that this was much like any other of those rooms allegedly designed by Tommy with me and Sylvie in mind. Detailed. It was just a gym but I could tell it had been laboured over.

The wall of mirrors and the barre which ran parallel to it. The sprung wood flooring. The boxing ring almost seemed out of the place. The punch bags looked like an afterthought.

But it wasn't really the gym I was enamoured with just then. Because as stunning, if not surprising as it was, the effort which Tommy had gone to for his absent little sisters, it was difficult to focus on the spring in my footsteps as I stood on my tiptoes and then rolled back down, a little jump to test the give.

Difficult because upon entering the room Bonnie had seemingly forgotten all about me. His focus on the fight he was there to train for. And in his moment of forgetting he'd turned with his back to me and tugged his t-shirt over his head, the muscles in his shoulders rippling as he scrunched his shirt up in his first and discarded it.

He was looking at himself in the mirror, concentrating on wrapping his hands, head turned down slightly.

And I was stood still, a little bewildered by the way I felt then. The awkwardness, the blush burning my cheeks. He looked strong and when I thought back on what he'd said about my partner dropping me at school, I realised now why he'd been able to dismiss them so easily. There was no way Bonnie would have dropped me. No way he'd have noticed the weight of me in his arms at all.

"What dya reckon then lass, I was right wasn't I? You could practice your dancin to your heart's content in here no?" Asked Bonnie turning to look at me over his shoulder, bending down to pick up a towel from the bench where he'd just abandoned his t-shirt.

I struggled for a moment to say anything. Eyes still wide and unable to stray from his chest. His muscular shoulders. It wasn't like I hadn't seen him like this before and yet somehow today he really did have me speechless. That was until my brother stepped up behind me, his hands clamping down on my shoulders. His smirk in my ear making my cheeks burn red.

"Well lass? Ain't you gonna answer the poor lad, our Bonnie just asked you a question?"

AN// sorry if this is short and/or boring I feel like fuck all is happening atm but I promise it is going somewhere!!!!

Taglist

@inalovesrabbits-blog

@cocoaflowers

@zablife

@jomarch-wannabe

@itsghostgirlyo

@marwwfairy

@toddlerbodybag

@everysage

@tommyshelbyswhore

@kas3ylovesyou

@kxnnxy

@starrykitn

@call-sign-shark

@only-malala

@galactict3a

@darkcastle167

@liliac-dreamer

@impossibleheartflower

@mollybegger-blog

@vanhelsingsbigtoe

#trouble #peaky blinders fanfiction #peaky blinders fanfic

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ofsweetgrass-andsurvival · 2 years

Note

Hi!! I love your writing sooo much!! The way you write for Jeremiah is incredible and I'm falling in love with him even more! I know you don't take requests, but I wanted to drop this idea here, because if there was anyone I'd want to write it, it's you. What if Jere and the reader were best friends and both in love with the other, but never did anything to try to become more, scared of something bad happening? And at some point Jere gives up trying to hide his feelings and becomes very direct, flirting and stuff, and the reader gets sad, thinking he only wants to have sex with her? And they have a small fight, in which he realizes that she misunderstood his actions, and tells her that he's in love with her?

oh my god, my heart 🥺🤍🥺

thank you so much for sending this in, it means the world to me to know you love my writing – and if it made you love jere more, that just makes my day!! 🤍🤍🤍

i really don't take requests all that often – but your scenario is almost identical to the 'fic i'm writing on ao3 (the first part of it anyway), though that's a jere x oc, which i completely understand might not be your thing. and it's just a perfectly angsty/cute situation to be in, that i'm gonna go ahead and do this one.

thank you so much for trusting me with your headcanon! hope you like it. :) <3333

Jeremiah Fisher Headcanon: As Your Best Friend (You're In Love With)

being best friends with jeremiah fisher was the best, most blessed curse you'd ever been given. because it was everything – but it was also not even close to being nearly enough.

for as long as you could remember, there had been a muted burn at the back of your throat every time you looked at him - every time he looked at you. because the sight of him set your body ablaze and your heart roaring like wildfire. because you were in love with him. you always had been.

you had never said anything – even though the secret sometimes felt like smoke in your throat. you couldn't - you were terrified that jeremiah would simply stare at you with his clear, crystalline eyes, measure you up against the bizarre, beautiful bodies he'd already been with – and turn you down entirely.

you couldn't have borne that – so you said nothing, even though there were fleeting moments – his hand around your wrist just a little more forceful than normal, his fingers lingering around your waist just a little too long – his lips somehow always finding their way to your cheeks and forehead – that had you hoping against hope that he might reciprocate your feelings – even just a little.

but that was until he openly started flirting with you. leaning in until he was inches from your face, smirking at the deep shade of red you always turned - his lashes always lowered, dark as soot whenever he looked at you – worst of all his fingers, driving you wild as they gently stroked against the small of your back, the inseam of your arm... sometimes even the side of your jaw.

and though all you wanted to was sink into him, sink below him – you couldn't. you wouldn't. because jeremiah flirted with everyone. had one night with everyone.

but you didn't want one night with him – you wanted all his nights, each and every one – all his days too, the stolen, sleepy moments in his mornings that no one else got to see. you wanted him – forever and always, and anything less than that would break your bitter, yearning heart more than it had already been broken by the beseeching blue of his eyes.

the next time he pulled you in too close on the pretext of being drunk, your shadows indistinguishable from each other in the dim light of the porch, you couldn't stand it any longer – you pushed him away, hard. your body might have shuddered straight into his arms had you not.

you regretted it instantly – you could tell you'd hurt his feelings – badly. his face twisted, backing away from you. "is it really so hard," he said dully. "to let me touch you? is the idea of us together truly so terrible to you?"

your mouth popped open in shock – you were horrified. that wasn't what you had meant at all. you called for him desperately, but he was already walking away from you. desperately, you reached out and grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn around.

"jere," you said thickly, the tears flowing as fast as your words. "jere, i'm sorry – i'm sorry but i can't have sex with you. i just can't, because it would actually mean something to me – it would mean everything to me, and i'm sorry i just can't do it, not when i've loved you this long. i've been in love with you this long, since the first time i saw you smile at me, and i CAN'T be your one night stand. i just can't jere, it would kill me, i –"

you gasped as you found yourself pressed up flush against his body, his lips sliding softly, insistently, against yours. you could have sworn there were flames flickering in your veins as your hands automatically twined themselves in his tousled blond hair – as he kept kissing you, like your mouth was the only memory he wanted to mold to his own, long enough that you had almost begun to sigh into his mouth.

"don't," he said roughly, the sound going straight to your core when he finally pulled back. "you dare call yourself a one-night stand."

you stared at him, stunned.

jeremiah stared back, fond and soft and utterly exasperated. "how could you think i just wanted to have sex with you," he demanded, thumbing away the last of the tears on your face. "you're all i've ever loved. all i've ever wanted since the first time you flew at me in that playground and picked a fight."

"how could you not see?" he asked tenderly when he saw that your eyes were brimming over again.

"how could you not see?" you managed to say tremulously as he lifted you up into his arms.

"okay, we're both idiots," jeremiah agreed, and you closed your eyes as you felt him laughing against your hair. you couldn't believe it – it was the safest, most secure you'd felt in years.

he loved you. he wanted you. he was yours.

and you knew you'd spend your entire lifetime loving him back. ♡

#jeremiah fisher fanfic #jeremiah fisher #jeremiah fisher x reader #the summer i turned pretty #tsitp jeremiah #tsitp #jeremiah fisher x y/n #jeremiah fisher headcanon #tsitp x y/n

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ciaraswritings · 1 year

Text

Anxiety

Disclaimer: I do not own DC or their characters, or their settings. This is certainly not canon.

Warnings & Topics: Social anxiety disorder. 18+, if you please.

Word Count: 1.7K words

Summary: fem!Reader is struggling with social anxiety while attending Bruce Wayne's birthday party, but then she meets a woman named Barbara who helps her escape. Very happy ending. Just fluff & stuff.

Author's note: Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you enjoy.

How the hell did I end up here, I asked myself.

I pressed my back to the mahogany wall as colors and watched the pastel colors swirl past me. I should have never come to this event, this celebration. I'm not even sure how I got invited to this. I had barely ever crossed paths with Bruce Wayne. Sure, I'd edited news stories covering his spotlight before sending them off to be published on the internet, but I could never bring myself to meet with him face to face. I'd talked with him over the phone, fact checking a wild take that a journalist had submitted, but in the two minutes and five seconds that we had chatted, he had obviously decided I was suitable to be invited to his birthday reception.

That's what I absolutely love about my job. I can sit in a dark office all day, I don't have to see anyone face to face, all submissions and communications are sent via email. I'm trying to make arrangements to work from home, so the stress of being so close to the other offices won't be on my mind. My job only requires a computer and phone, after all.

My boss was overjoyed when he heard I had been invited to the big event. Any more excitement, and he would have started a fire with how fast words were spilling out of his mouth. His thrill, however, did not match my own by a long shot. I thought back to when I was sitting in my comfy, swiveling office chair, staring up at the balding, sprightly man who was positively demanding I accept the invitation and attend the event. I don't think I even verbally responded to him at the time. My plagued mind overtook my body, and still had ahold of it even then as I tried to blend into Bruce Wayne's wall.

Social anxiety disorder, my constant companion. My nemesis, my excuse, my greatest hurdle. The only reason I stood there in my old prom dress is because my boss has been on such edge lately, and like my coworkers, I wasn't ready to risk the consequences of saying no to him right then. My anxiety was to blame for that too, coincidentally enough.

As the sea of long dresses and black suits moved past, I tried my hardest to remember my therapist's favorite phrases. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your surroundings. How is your body reacting to this situation? I could answer the last question easily enough. My heart was beating out of my chest, my stomach was churning, sweat was appearing on my trembling hands. Fear was wrapped around my throat, my breathing labored. An older gentleman in a very nice suit gave me a concerned look before his glamorous college-student wife pulled him towards the dance floor. Yes, please go, stop looking at me. I wonder how many people are looking at me right now.

Be aware of your surroundings. I tried, I really tried. I tried to take in the luxury of the room. The velvet curtains, the gold trim, the expensive art, the... was that a tapestry? Be aware of your body. I attempted to become aware of my physical senses. Deep breaths, eyes closed, trying to relax my tense muscles.

"Ma'am, are you alright?"

My eyes flew open. A young waiter with a tray was quizzically observing me from a couple feet away.

I can't do this anymore. "Yes! Yes, yes, I'm alright." Fight or flight mode had been activated. Not bothering to thank him, I slipped past the waiter and made a not-so-graceful getaway to the hall. Lush ivy and large chairs decorated the long room, along with a huge mirror that I planted myself in front of, my entire brain trying to retake control. But no, the sickening, uninvited fear had ahold of my entire body.

Looking up into the mirror, I was not exactly pleased by what I saw. My eyes were full of adrenaline and my mascara was running slightly. My dress was wrinkled by where I clutched it at the hip. My hair was the only thing that didn't look frazzled (thanks to an hour of straightening before I had left for the party). Using the tip of my finger, I tried to clean up the mascara around my eyes.

"Did you get bored too?"

My finger nearly went into my eye, startled by the unexpected and unwelcome voice. I wanted to run like a deer being threatened by a panther. I turned nervously to the owner of the voice, and my fear alleviated if only for a moment by the spectacularism of the person I saw. A red haired young woman in a black velvet dress had approached me, a single party-goer from the roar of festivities behind her. I could see the door swinging closed from when she had entered. My anxiety lurched and I could feel liquid coming up in my throat. A hard swallow later, and I assumed my most casual pose. "You could say that."

The redhaired woman turned, pulled her lipstick from her clutch, and repainted her red lips in the mirror. "I'm not even sure why I'm here, my father is the one who actually knows Mr. Wayne."

"I don't know him at all. Bruce, I mean. Not your father." Oh, that sounded so rude. "Sorry... about that."

She turned back around and gave me a shiny smile. "Are you okay?"

Hell no, I'm not okay. "Yes, of course." My hands were still trembling and my cheeks were flushed. Breathing hurt. The radiant woman in front of me could obviously see through the lie. Her head cocked, her beautiful, wavy red hair swayed.

"You don't seem okay," her concern was evident, but I wasn't in the mood for people being concerned and trying to make me talk about it.

"I'm okay, I just haven't eaten today. So... I should probably go do that," that wasn't even a lie. I had only had coffee today so I wouldn't throw up from nervousness tonight.

"What's your name?" asked the woman who was freshening her eyeliner in the mirror.

"(Y/N) (L/N)."

"I'm Barbara Gordon. It's good to meet you. And funny enough, I'm hungry too," the stranger straightened and shook my still shaking hand. "Want to go get something? I can't fill up on shrimp and caviar."

"Neither can I, seafood isn't my favorite." I was shocked at my own boldness. My fear had released its painful grip slightly, but it was far from gone.

"Me neither. I could go for Chinese," Barbara smiled at me. "Want to join? My treat."

Now this was an unexpected decision. She seems nice enough... I want to so badly. It'd definitely be a way out of here, and with a nice person. But what if she's not nice? What if she's not who she seems? What if I mess up in front of her? What if she invites more people? "I'm not sure..."

"Hey, it's okay. I'm chill, I need a way out of this place too. I mostly came for my dad, he loves Bruce. I'm just... not in the right place to party like this."

How about this, my brain bargained with itself. If it turns out bad, we never have to see her again. If it goes good, then we... still never have to see her again. "What the heck. Got a place in mind?"

"Of course, come on! I can't think of a better time than two well dressed girls getting the best Chinese in town. We can take my dad's car."

My hands had slowly stopped trembling. I think it's going to be okay.

...

My escape with Barbara was a needed lifesaver. She made the car ride pleasant, complimenting my dress, asking me about my job, commenting on my hair. I think she sensed that I wasn't as comfortable talking about myself, so she told me about her own life. She was a college student, she was multilingual, she lived with her dad at the moment, but was looking into getting her own place. Listening to her talk was relaxing, knowing I didn't have to talk about myself, no risks of stumbling over my words like I did earlier.

We arrived at what looked to be a family-owned place, it wasn't a chain restaurant, which I sort of admired Barbara for. The best Chinese food came from small restaurants, and she seemed to acknowledge that. The woman assured me she knew exactly what I would like, telling me she'd order then come join me.

I slid into one of the empty booths. Actually, all of them were empty. Too late at night for most people to get takeout, but Barbara and I were evidently not the same as those people. She joined me at the table with trays that smelled much tastier than the takeout Chinese that my boss had delivered at the office every day for lunch. "This looks amazing, thank you so much."

"No, thank you for coming with. It's nice that I found a friend to do this with." Barbara smiled before picking up one of the cartons.

Friend. The word felt so new. "It's been a really long time since I've had a friend." Anxiety brewed and steamed in my throat, but I forgot all about it when she slid her phone across the table to me, a new contact form ready to fill out on the screen.

"Well, now you have one," the redhaired woman said with a smile, before taking another bite of the food.

...

That was four years ago to this day. It's Bruce Wayne's birthday again, but neither of us are on the guest list. That's perfectly okay, we have our own party going on for us. Empty Chinese takeout cartons lay on the coffee table, an actress on the television screen dramatically screams in fear, and I am laying on Barbara's chest, my finger becoming accustomed to the new diamond ring.

I look up at her, admiring how her fiery hair glows in the pale light of the television screen. Anxiety? Hah, not around Barbara, not anymore. Finally finding a person I can experience only joy around... that feels good. Her hand rests on my head, holding me close. Her eyes are focused on the television, but by her smile, I know her mind is somewhere else. She notices I'm no longer interested in the film, turns off the TV, and smiles down at me. Butterflies, not anxiety, fill my stomach.

"Did you get bored too?"

"You could say that."

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dyingclown · 5 days

Text

warning VERY long vent post (no tws)

today is her birthday

isnt that crazy

this time last year I texted her and I apologized

and I mailed her a package

i made her a puppet

i wonder if she has it displayed somewhere

what does she think about when she looks at it

is it positive? negative? do I deserve either

when we met I was 12 and she was 13

and now shes 17

thats just wild

i cant believe I didnt know her for any of year 16

i can literally only blame myself is the thing

i miss her so much I cant even describe it with words

it feels like a part of me is missing

we would talk about being twin flames and then we decided that we were actually platonic soulmates

because twin flames burn out

and we weren't going to burn out, right?

we didn't burn out though

it was more of a fade

i cant tell which is worse

we exited each other's lives as quietly as we entered them

sewn in and out and that was it

we were the same exact person

same life same mind we were the same

the bond we shared was just unforgettable

she was like an older sister

i don't know

it just kills me that it seems like it was just the other day that we were laughing all night long and texting for hours and saying the craziest shit to make each other laugh

we were just kids

and we still are

the impact she left on me is impossible to overstate

i hope that when she remembers me her memories are positive

i hope she still garners some amount of love for me

i wonder what shes doing with her life now

she used to want to be a marine biologist

i remember when she got an opportunity to go do some sort of summer internship and she was so excited

and I remember when it didn't end up working out

she was devastated but she would never have said it out loud

god we were with each other through everything

i remember when I came back in july of 2022 and I told her what happened

i was so ashamed

she almost seemed disappointed in me in a way

she asked me "do you think a part of you wanted it?"

and to that, I didn't know what so say

i told her I didn't want it

but a part of me did

i was desperate for that kind of attention again

that dangerous feeling that comes with a situation like that

the excitement and the adrenaline pumping through my body and the feeling of being the only person on the planet that mattered

for that month it was only him and i

and I do mean only

4 day long voice calls

broken on accident only to make another one for 3 days

every second of every day full of him

spending no time with my family because I wanted to go back to him and give him all my time

not one text to any of my friends

for the whole month

thats where all this shit came from

that one month without contacting anyone I loved

thats where I'm stuck

and that's why I don't have anyone

all my damn friends fucking gone because I couldnt just text

god why couldn't I just text

im definitely a pussy

too afraid to type letters

i sit behind that damn screen watching them type

watching them talk to me

beg me for something

literally anything

and I sit there and I watch

and it would be so easy to click the text bar and just send them something

let them know I'm alive

but I dont

i stay quiet

and I wipe the tears out of my eyes so I can see the screen again

and I mute the conversation once they're all done

just so I can breathe

and then I cant sleep because my mind is spinning with everything I could have done, should have done, could do and should do

and all the things that I wont do

and I know I'll never be different

how could I ever hold an online friendship again

i just cant

id be too scared

id love them so hard but I'd run away because I'm terrified of hurting someone again

im so scared of another person flooding my DMS with desperate pleas to come back

its so scary

and my other friend group

i wonder how they are now

i loved them so much

i hope they're ok

i wonder how they talk about me

i would give anything to see the messages in that group chat

but I'll never know what theyre saying and it kills me

they made jokes about me before I even left

its interesting

3 wildly different responses and I cant tell which hurt the most

letting me leave quietly, constant texts and begging, or jokes and insults until I left on my own

how could I ever say that my friends are the most important parts of my life if I don't even make an effort to keep them in it

it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts so bad

i miss everyone

god i MISS them

i could say it a million times and it wouldnt be enough

and then I could scream it another million

and it wouldn't make a difference on the situation

i just feel like I'm trapped in a tornado and my life is beneath me being kicked up by the wind and rubble

and I just cant get out

and its my fault any of it is happening to begin with

I MISS THEM SO MUCH

WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM AND STILL DO

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH IT HURTS ME PHYSICALLY

what I wouldn't give to talk to them again

genuinely

"i would give you my heart I think"

just once just for a day if everything could go back to normal that would be enough

if I could hear them calling me alli one more time

or al

they were the only ones who called me those

i remember how beautiful it felt to have a nickname like that

i would have done anything for them

but I know that they kind of treated me poorly

i would give and give every part of myself but it still somehow wasn't enough

i gave them everything

i would have given them the world

wrote a whole poem for jay and she complained to me about it for the rest of the time I knew her

because I went over the word limit on the assignment

and she didn't even have the grace to check the word count before the last possible minute she could turn it in

and then as soon as she texted me I made a new version where I removed unnecessary parts

i spent every second I could, i was on my way to school but nonetheless i was trying so hard to meet the word limit

and she didn't even turn in that version

i remember when I would text them good morning every day and I would text them and make sure they always had something nice to wake up to

but the thing is they never read my messages

they never responded to them

and then when they disappeared one day they freaked out

constantly taking me for granted and only realizing it once my usual actions disappeared

and then using insults to bring me back

i would have fought for them with a sword

i would have done anything

but would they have done the same for me?

i hope they would

but the truth is that I don't know

i just don't know

but I miss them

i dont miss their judgement though

or the lonely feeling I was left with after we spoke

but what I do miss is that call until 4 am where we spend it reading out loud that webcomic you liked by marsoid (edit: its "ride or die")

and how you would voice act the screeching tires and the mic wouldn't even pick up on it so it was just garbled robotic noises coupled with your shrieking noises

i laughed so fucking hard that night

i think that they forgot that I was a kid

when we met, I was in eighth grade, jay was in 10th grade, cherish was in 11th grade, and vick was in 12th grade

now, Vick has already graduated

cherish is graduating soon if she hasnt already

god Jays going to be a senior next year

they forgot I was just a kid

i think that at times I was more adult than any of them

i wonder how Vicks doing

i wonder if he ever got that job he was talking about

or maybe hes in college

i remember how happy and stunning he looked in his graduation pictures

and I remember the jokes that they would play on me

saying that Jay and cherish finally got to meet up in person

theyre supposed to this summer

i hope that goes well

i know it will

theyve been friends for years

i miss the things we would all do together

it was so much fun and nothing mattered but us

i liked how they would respond to someone hurting me in some way

that school year sucked to me and when the day was finally over I would text them on the bus all about it

and they would tell me about how they were going to beat up all the people who hurt me

and all that shit

i liked it

i liked feeling protected

and then they would make me laugh and cheer me up

but that was all only part of it

it was so good but other parts weren't so good

like when they would say kind of ableist things to me and would brush it off when I pointed it out

and they wouldnt take me seriously

or they would make jokes I told them not to make

idk

it just made me feel lonely

but I miss it nonetheless

the loneliness they made me feel was better than the emptiness I feel now that they're gone

i wonder if they'll ever understand

i wonder if they'll ever think about it from my perspective

you can only give so much before you're all used up

god it reminds me of something kiea said to me

i think it was something like

"I wanted to be an infinite well of kindness that you could always dip from when you needed it"

i cant think about that

that hurts too bad to think about

this post is too long anyway

happy birthday eden

i hope you're well

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blacklezrage · 1 year

Note

How do I get my friend to read rad leaning material without scaring her away? I’m 18, a lesbian, and she’s my only lesbian friend. I love her very much and want her to be happy with herself as a lesbian and young woman. Radfem content helped me when I was sexually assaulted and realize that being a woman isn’t a horrible curse. She feels estranged from womanhood and has grown to resent other women because of her experience with being bullied by them. In high school, she would be pushed out of the locker room by the straight girls bc they thought she would “perv out” on them. She’s lost friends when she came out, her mother is also very homophobic and has called her a dyke more than once and makes fun of her for not being as girly. She’s also very hateful towards her body because she thinks having a bigger chest makes her look sloppy, slutty, and saggy and has hinted at “chopping them off”. I remember feeling hateful towards by downstairs area because porn made me feel like my vagina was ugly because my labia wasn’t bleached pink and tiny. So I think rad leaning content would help, but she’s been reading more trans content which I think would harm her if she ever decided to chop her boobs off instead of learning that they don’t make her sloppy and that there’s nothing wrong with having breast that aren’t perky like in porn.

i was putting off answering this because to be honest, i'm still struggling to get my best friend to see the value of being a womon (and breaking up with her shitty bf), and i didn't want to give you bad advice, but i guess something is better than nothing

i'm not going to lie. my work with my friend has been less "here's this book to read" and more "why do you think you're feeling that way?" and "is this something you believe or is it something you feel people want you to believe?" the thing i think helped her the most was me creating a space where she can be away from men and can speak her mind without being afraid of being judged. also incredibly important was helping her start the healing process between her and her mom, but that isn't feasible with every womon obviously

she had absolutely no idea of any feminist history (and she and i are both usamericans), so before i recommended any books to her, i recommended her "Mrs. America," which is a single season show following the fight to ratify the ERA in the 70s. it features fictionalized versions of womyn like Betty Friedan, Shirley Chisolm, Gloria Steinem, and Phyllis Schlafly (renowned anti-feminist, but whoever wrote the show at least understood the gist of Right Wing Women). this helped her (a) realize how important the rights of womyn are and how easily they're taken away and (b) that (second-wave/radical) feminists weren't just a group a man-hating racist white ladies like everyone online claims

it wasn't until after all that that i recommended her the book Dietland by Sarai Walker. it's fictional, but in my opinion, it offers a great beginning into radfem ideology. it follows a fat womon who's waiting to live her life until she's skinny as a sort of coming-into-her-own story, but then it takes a turn into some wild (but very much connected) areas including:

womyn's separatism

exploring same-sex attraction

anti-porn activism

an anti-beauty book called "Fuckability Theory"

and a feminist terrorist group

she actually just borrowed my copy of Anita Diamant's The Red Tent (also fiction), which is a feminist retelling of Dinah, a character from biblical canon. i actually don't remember the book that well (only read it once) but i really enjoyed it, and i actually think that book made me want to go to womyn's land badly enough to actually go

one of the biggest books that helped me personally was Soraya Chemaly's Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's Anger (i read that alongside Brittany Cooper's Eloquent Rage: A Black Feminist Discovers Her Superpower which is more of a memoir, so i'd recommend Rage Becomes Her first). these were basically the first two rad-leaning (although Eloquent Rage isn't necessarily radical feminist) books i read and they lit a fire under me. they both helped me realize how much negative energy i was directing toward myself and helped me gain back my ability to speak up and be unafraid

Audre Lorde, imo, is essential lesbian reading, so i'd recommend Sister Outsider, as well. it's a collection of essays, so it's a great start into her works and worldview

i think Chimimanda Ngozi Adichie is also a good starting point (if she hasn't been indoctrinated to be afraid of her), but i've only read We Should All Be Feminists and Dear Ijeawele (A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions)

i had a moment of courage and sent my friend a request on goodreads, and now whenever i'm reading a radfem text, she usually asks me about it and will sometimes add it to her reading list

i've definitely been where your friend has been, and i'm sorry to hear she's dealing with so much pressure... i think even more important than the books is for you to continue to support her and be there for her and listen to her, everything she says. help her stop apologizing, help her take up space, help her find her voice. make sure she knows that her unique experience/perspective matters. but also, don't be afraid to disagree with her. it may take being challenged for her to realize what she really believes

#i hope this answered your question...#if you have anything else you wanna ask feel free to dm me as well!#if you take away one thing from this recommend her dietland #seriously #that book changed my life

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melody-hxh-spamblog · 1 year

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Sometimes I remember Melody was willing to give up her hearing ability to restore her body* and... not gonna lie, I hope she ends up changing her mind about that

(*this line sounds like it could also just mean "I wish none of this ever happened" vs. "I'd actually trade this ability to get my old body back," but the 2011 anime('s translation) explicitly mentions restoring her body no matter what it takes, so I'm inclined to think it's more literal)

Part of me does want her to get her old appearance back, if only because a) I'm curious to see it and b) those teeth must be a pain in the butt lol, especially for a musician - seems like she's managing with the flute somehow though

But also, considering we already have Bisky, who put a lot of effort into looking more conventionally attractive and cute to the point of suppressing some of her strength, I think it'd be nice to have Melody instead become comfortable with her new appearance to the point where she would choose to keep it along with the cool new power

(veering into wild speculation territory here, but the combination of hamsterifying her appearance while granting her an ability that lets her "see under the surface" and read people's emotions is an interesting one. Makes me wonder if she could have been a bit more shallow about looks before, and the sonata was kind of a Learning Moment? Though on the other hand, the leap from "having super good hearing" to "learning how to infer people's emotional states from their heartbeats" doesn't feel like something that necessarily Just Happens - seems like a very personal take on the ability, so maybe she was already quite an empathetic person beforehand)

(a little more half-coherent rambling about Melody, Bisky, & appearances under the cut because this post got long)

I do kind of wonder if Bisky's arc could also be headed in the direction of getting more comfortable with her buff looks (hi Vergei)... Originally I was going to say something like, Bisky's desire to look a certain way feels like an internally-motivated personal choice (which is fine - if she does it just because it makes her happy, then there's no real need to change), while Melody's feels motivated by external factors (so imo it'd be nice to see her overcome that and be more comfortable with herself).

But I'm actually not sure if that's true? We know Bisky hates her muscular body and Melody wants her old body back, but I don't think it's really clear for either of them whether that comes from insecurity, or simply from preferring a particular look (in Melody's case, the way she used to be before something horrible happened to her, which is totally understandable).

But while Bisky seems very confident and self-assured (with good reason), and I don't suuuper get the vibe that her decades-in-the-making choice of appearance is going to be undone by one very fervent simp lol, we did also see how she totally latched on to Kurapika's flattery, so. maybe needing external validation is more of a factor than it seems for her?

(and maybe that's a bit of a moot point anyway - I think external pressures can get pretty closely bound up together with one's own personal desire to look a certain way, something something We Live In A Society)

So maybe Bisky's actually the one who should embrace her true form, while Melody restores her body as a way of healing from the terrible thing that happened to her? Ooor maybe we get buff Bisky and keep hamster Melody and everyone is winning \o/

#melody my beloved i hope you never achieve your dream ♡#(well‚ one of them - i do want to see her burn that sheet music)#hunter x hunter #hxh #melody #senritsu #if she does get her old body back though i just hope she's still chubby with a double chin 🙏#i... may have just written a lot of words without saying anything of value idk i'm not very smart when it comes to analyzing fiction #hope someone out there gets some mild enjoyment from reading this rambling lol‚ but if not at least it's out of my brain o/#me-cringeposting

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unhingedselfships · 10 months

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She stepped out of the en suite, oversized towel wrapped around her, smiling and about to prod Kenshi into helping her decide what to wear.

He'd tell her he didn't care and it didn't matter but he'd give in like he always did.

Her steps hesitated as she found the room empty, and eyes settling on the box she'd forgotten, she knew exactly what had happened.

She all but flew.

Through the apartment, door flung open, down the stairs and across the small courtyard, to all but slam into the side of the car idling at the curb.

A moment's hesitation, and the window came down.

"Ah, Kimi!" his tone bright, cheery and terribly forced, "You know I forgot something, gotta get going, I'll see you!"

"Kadokura Kenshi, so fucking help me, if you leave me out here in the street in a damn towel- get your ass back in that apartment. Don't- don't you fucking leave me here. Don't. Don't leave me. Please tell me I'm not losing you-"

Her voice was breaking. She shook. He couldn't just go. He couldn't.

"Oh don't worry!" his voice a forced cheer, strained. Fake. "I just remembered I have to collect uh- bullets! From the factory!"

He grinned, strained. Practically hysterical.

Finger tips dug in. Clung. Clawed.

Desperation, sorrow, agony, coated every line of her.

She was shattering before him.

"I meant it," a rough whisper. All she could manage in that moment, "I meant every fucking word. If you asked me, here, now, I'd go. I'd leave it all. If you asked me tomorrow. Or the day after. Always. I can't be sorry for loving you Kenshi, I can't. Please. I need you. Just- Come back inside. I'll go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as you're here, it'll be ok."

He doesn't respond, his body tense, knuckles white with the force of his grip on the steering wheel.

Finally, voice gruff, "How much booze ya got?"

A hysterical laugh slipped free, "Oh love you know I keep the good shit, just for you. I even have like, seven jars of the family shine."

He turned the car off.

"If you can have a jar poured in the biggest cup you have within thirty seconds of my coming inside, maybe I could manage a chat."

Something loosened in her slightly, and she gave him a watery smile.

Reluctantly, he followed her back inside.

They drank it straight from the jar.

…

Hours passed. Drinking and speaking in fits and starts. Voices slurred, emotions wild.

"See the thing is Kimi. The thing is. You're too stupid."

She flinched. She knew she wasn't good enough for him but to have it said so plainly-

"You think like, everything would be great or something. But actually, I'm shit."

…Oh.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, that you haven't figured that out yet. I'm not even- Like that's why Airi is shit! Because he's like me."

She laughed, pained.

"You think I don't know it'd be difficult? It would be so hard. But love, you're perfect. Don't you get it? I would fight so hard for you. I would make this work. Because I want it. I want it more than I've ever wanted anything. Do you think I'd be around so much if I couldn't stand you? I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm willing to weather any storm, even, no, especially, the ones you cause. You're not shit. You're Kadokura Kenshi, and I want you to be mine. You're enough. You're you. I love you. Our son, ours, is wonderful. All his best parts are yours."

He laughed sardonically, "Yeah, yeah, you always do this. Say some nice stuff and make me cry and for a second I believe the nice things and then blammo! Real life. You only think it because you're. An idiot."

"Yeah well. I'd rather be your idiot. I'll do this everyday, if that's what it takes. Real life is shit, I know that, but I'd rather it be shit with you. Can't- can't we take the little good we can get? Do you have any idea- you are my good, Kenshi. And I want to be yours. I'm sorry, I'm selfish. I need you. I can't- I can't lose you."

…

More time, more drinks, found them dancing around the living room. Laughing and crying, barely staying standing. Barely keeping each other up. Like they always did.

He'd started it. An exaggerated proposal. Meant and unmeant all at once. Vows. Spoken in fits and starts. Through tears and giggles.

Sloppily he waltzed her around the room, humming a tune no one else could hear.

For a moment, it was just them. All the world away, just them.

Faking it was so easy it hurt.

…

Laying beside him, basking and wallowing.

"Would- Would you ever give us a chance? Would you let us try? I- I need to know Kenshi. I need to know where I stand."

A deep sigh, slow.

She whispered.

"I know I'm not- I'm not good enough for you, but. I want to try. So badly."

She moves, straddling him, pinning him.

He could move her, if he wanted, but it gave her a sense of faux-security.

She presses soft kisses, just barely brushing the corner of his mouth. The edge of his limits.

And begs. Begs him to give them a chance. To let her prove herself.

His denial, however gentle, stung, even as it was expected.

At least he'd told her he loved her.

She could hold onto that.

…

They'd collapse into bed, late in the morning, warm and so very tired. Sun long risen.

They'd wake and fall back into bed. Neither quite able to fully settle, and unwilling to completely leave.

They took the day, for each other, not really there. Not willing to be anywhere else.

The day, then night, would pass, clinging to each other, and everything they had. Everything they'd lost.

Dawn would rise, and life would continue, and the world would turn.

As it always did.

And part of her hated it for it.

#yakkimi #kadokura kenshi #kadokura-verse #drabble #one shot

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electrasev5nwrites · 11 months

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Ninja Daily: Vapors 58

In her now blissfully-empty office, Tsunade finally let herself scratch her side. Somehow, she only ever seemed to feel an itch when it would compromise her dignity to scratch.

"Maybe I'm just allergic to work," she mused.

As the door opened again without so much as a knock, she rolled her eyes in irritation. This sort of riffraff was exactly why she needed Sasuke and Shizune around to act as bouncers. "Just come on in," she drawled ironically. It wasn't like she was going to have much time to herself anyway. Aiko probably wouldn't be gone more than five or ten minutes. That'd provide an excuse for her to toss out the idiot currently in her office.

Suddenly, she was metaphorically patting herself on the back for allowing the girl to Hiraishin to Suna. Unfortunately, even when her mind was in Suna, Tsunade's body was in her office being leered at by an irritating old pervert.

"My pleasure, hime." Jiraiya gave her a sleazy grin. He strode up to sit down in front of her desk, propping his feet up onto the wood.

'Barbarian,' Tsunade thought mutinously. 'That is mahogany.'

Never mind that she went through a desk a month. She was allowed to punch her own things.

"What do you want," she said instead. Giving him the reaction only made things worse. Granted, he was depressingly skilled at riling her up, but she didn't need to play into his hands.

The idiot leered at her. "Well, if you must know…"

"Please cut the crap," she sighed, rubbing at her migraine.

He straightened up a bit. Jiraiya was playful, but he usually didn't poke too much when she actually wasn't in the mood to handle it. "Can't I just stop by to say hello to the most beautiful woman in the world?"

Involuntarily, she huffed in amusement and had to roll her eyes to counteract the little smile tugging at her lips. "You're ridiculous, you know that?"

"Is that a no?" he asked innocently, blinking up at her.

'Ooh, that's a dirty trick,' she noted. 'I think he learned that expression from Naruto.'

But Naruto was much cuter. Speaking of whom… "Have you finally come to report? Don't think I've missed that you and Naruto passed the gates this morning." She gave him a faux-irritated glare.

"Well, I would have," he began awkwardly. One hand trailed up to scratch at the back of his neck. "But we got waylaid, you see." He grinned. "By some beautiful girls! I did my best to fight them off, but there were just too many, and they were too determined-" He trailed off sheepishly at the disbelieving look she was giving him. "Oh, alright," he grumped. Jiraiya crossed his arms, slouched, and pouted in a way that was most unbecoming for a full-grown man."Naruto ran into his sister and some blonde at the gate…" He gave her a mischievous grin. "The other little girl, Ino or something, invited him on a date. The brat misunderstood and dragged her off for ramen."

Tsunade giggled. "Somehow, that sounds exactly like Naruto." She pushed her lower lip out thoughtfully, worrying the inside between two teeth. "Ino, huh? You mean the Yamanaka girl?"

"I'd believe that," Jiraiya agreed easily. "She had that look about her." He shook his head like a wild dog. "In any case, I did have something more serious about Naruto. I already told Hatake because I ran into him about a minute after Naruto flounced off." He sucked in a deep breath as if considering how to phrase this delicately. But then again, he was Jiraiya, so he gave up on that and was just blunt instead. "I couldn't get him to master the Nine Tail's chakra. If he tries to use too much he loses control to the fox, and attacks anyone he can reach. He came very close to killing me."

Tsunade winced. "And how did he take that?"

Jiraiya gave an awkward laugh. "Well, you see…" At her stern look, he just bit the bullet. "He doesn't know. Naruto doesn't remember what happens when he loses control, and I didn't want him to know. You know how he is. I've told him that it's very dangerous and that he can't use it, but I'm not certain he's taking me seriously." He shrugged helplessly.

She groaned. 'Well, that sucks.' But that thought wasn't productive. So instead she just said, "We will just have to be careful, then. I assume that's why you told Hatake?"

"Yepp," Jiraiya nodded solemnly, wishing this awkward part of the conversation was over. And then he realized he had the power to do that. "By the way," he started seriously, stroking at his chin. "Just how long has Aiko had that crush on Hatake?"

Tsunade blinked, startled. "She told you that?"

'I didn't realize they were that close,' she marveled. 'Maybe I underestimated the pervert's abilities as a godfather after all.'

"Ah, no. But it was obvious to a guy like me!" He gave her a thumbs-up and a cheesy grin. Inwardly, his mind was working at top pace. Tsunade had all but confirmed it. Still… he should be certain, since he was thinking about using that information. "So how did you know? Saw the way she can't take her eyes off him?"

With a snort, Tsunade shook her head. She'd never noticed that, but then she never saw the two of them together outside of the professional setting of her office. "No…" She bravely resisted letting her lips curl into a smile by forcing them to still. They trembled anyways. "She came in here very seriously and told me she wanted to dissolve the apprenticeship because she had an 'inappropriate fondness' for him that was making it hard to work."

There was a moment of silence.

Then both Sannin started snickering. Jiraiya thumped a fist against his thigh, bent double from the force of laughing. "Oh Kami, I can just picture it."

Tsunade nodded solemnly, wheezing a bit. "And then she just broke down into tears, and it was so hard not to let her know I was laughing. Poor sweet thing." She sniffled, wiping a tear away.

"What a pair," Jiraiya snickered.

"It's apparently hard to be a socially awkward genius in love with another one," she agreed. "Still, it was adorable."

"It is, it is." Jiraiya looked contemplative for a moment.

It actually was pretty cute. The Hatake kid wasn't the worst person for his adorable little goddaughter to have a crush on. He had excellent literary tastes and class, had never been known to disrespect a girl, and Minato would have approved. He'd really liked Kakashi-kun even when he'd been just a wee grumpy little thing. (Emphasis on grumpy, even though he'd been equally tiny).

Jiraiya mulled over that last thought. "You know, the more I think about it, the more I like it," he mused. 'In a couple of years… It could work. And in the short term, encouraging the crush could keep her from finding trouble with the wrong sorts of boys.' He grimaced, as someone who had most definitely been one of the 'wrong sort' of boy. It was hypocritical, but there were worse things.

Aside from it having some worth as a real idea to shelve, it had an immediate application. More relevantly to the current conversation, Tsunade would hate the idea. She had strange hang-ups about age, to the point where she hadn't allowed herself to.

Tsunade blinked, then quirked her head. "What are you talking about, pervert?"

"They're cute together!" He sent his old teammate a gigantic grin and leapt up onto her desk. "Just think about it! I would be remiss in my duties as a godfather if I didn't provide Aiko-chan with assistance as well, now that Naruto is benefitting from years under my excellent tutelage!"

She stared blankly.

He was really on a roll now, though. "He even has the fatherly stamp of approval! Minato always liked the twerp."

"Oh god," Tsunade muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Oh, god."

"Just think, now that she's blossomed into a beautiful young woman, all the young men will be after her. How better to keep her away from all the wrong ones then to set her up with one I know will treat her right?"

"You're insane," Tsunade said flatly. "And anyways, I don't think she's the delicate flower you're picturing. Go away."

"But Tsunade-hiiime," he whined. "Just think of what beautiful children they would have."

She blanched. "They would have the weirdest hair in the Elemental Countries," she deadpanned. Her tone would have been sharper if she wasn't preoccupied with terrifying visions of Uzumakis sassing her en masse, never showing up on time and using Hiraishin to run ANBU patrols with minimum effort.

'Actually, that last part wouldn't be so bad', she mused. Her own personal army all equipped with the flying thunder god and chidori… Then she shook her head. 'No. That's crazy talk.'

"You never know, they could inherit his hair color and her hair texture," Jiraiya said doubtfully, clearly picturing the opposite. Then he shrugged. "Well, it's just a funny thought. I liked it."

Tsunade threw her stapler at him. "It's a bit of an age difference, don't you think?"

He shrugged, tossing the metal implement from hand to hand. "It's not so bad. What does a decade matter between two adults? After all, she must be an adult if you've put her in ANBU to ferret out traitors." He gave his old teammate a guileless smile. The last bit of amusement slid off her face, but Jiraiya kept pushing. "You would never be so inconsistent as to claim she was an adult one moment and child when it's convenient, would you?"

'So that's what this is about,' she groaned. "Who even told you she was ANBU?" Tsunade demanded crossly.

Jiraiya wiggled his fingers ominously into her face, forcing her to blink and jerk her face back. "I just know everything. Spooky, huh? But… I'm right, aren't I? That's why you put her in there." He shrugged. "You know, I might feel better about having a talented kid in need of guidance in ANBU if the reason is important enough and she has enough support…"

Tsunade twitched. He was fishing for information. That bastard. He'd used the lulling qualities of his general idiocy to force her into a rhetorical corner. Either her best chance at getting someone on the inside of Danzo's organization was a child and should be in a much less dangerous position, or she was an adult and it was none of Jiraiya's business what she did with her professional life… But also none of Tsunade's business if the cretin insisted on trying to pair them up. That wouldn't help the poor girl any- who wanted to be outright shot down?

'He can't possibly think I'll give this chance up,' she thought critically. 'Maybe it's a long-shot hope, or just a way to punish me for putting Minato's kid in such a dangerous situation by being irritating with my tentative blessing.'

Well. There was nothing for it. "You're right, of course," she drawled testily. "Aiko is an adult."

"Great," Jiraiya uttered through a fake smile, voice hinting at irritation. "Then you won't mind if I use my formidable abilities as the master of all things romantic to dramatically increase the likelihood of two of your favorite shinobi reproducing more people exactly like them."

"Not at all," she forced out through gritted teeth. "I'm so glad we had this conversation."

'Now would be an excellent time for a plan.'

"I could easily defeat him if he were in reach of my sand," Gaara muttered as if thinking aloud. Aiko blinked.

"Ask and ye shall receive," she mumbled.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing," she said mildly. "Just a moment."

Gaara was right. He could smash Deidara like a pancake if he were in reach. Aiko was in the opposite position—Deidara would be a hard fight for her, but she could reach him if she were intelligent about it.

She didn't want to actually fight him. He was legitimately an S class shinobi and had been for years. She, on the other hand, had a solid skill set inflated by a few very impressive gimmicks. Hiraishin was a useful tool, but the fact that it gave her the capacity for perfect speed didn't mean she had the reaction time to reliably keep up with S class shinobi especially in such an unfavorable environment. Whenever she wasn't using it in combat, her speed was mid to high Jounin level. If Deidara had survived Akatsuki (and as a bomber no less) he must have very fast reflexes. Why risk it when Gaara was here and perfectly equipped to Sand coffin the living hell out of that asshat?

The plan that she formed was obvious and simple.

Step one: Get on bird.

Step Two: Get boy off bird, so Gaara can clean up his own damn house.

Step Three: Get very, very inebriated, so she didn't have to remember just how stupidly risky this short plan was.

That second part might be harder than it sounded. It would be stupid to assume she was physically stronger than Deidara without any supporting evidence. It could well be that she wouldn't be able to push him off. If she had momentum, or caught him off guard, it might be a different situation entirely. But without knowing exactly where she would end up in position relative to him, she couldn't well use Hiraishin at a sprint to gather momentum. She might end up soaring gracefully over the top of the bird or hell, even smacking into it face-first. It was tricky to orient around a kunai that was moving, especially at different elevations.

Still, Aiko was almost tempted to just throw a kunai up and flash to it immediately, but there were several possible fatal problems with that. One, her landings were terribly inconsistent. She could end up in the air next to the bird blinking stupidly like a roadrunner cartoon. If she was careful she could land safely, but that would ruin the element of surprise. The other unpleasant possibility would be that he'd explode the kunai immediately because he was an explosive happy lunatic and she would materialize in the middle of it. That would be an ignominious end.

'Well, I do have two kunai,' she reasoned. 'If I count Gaara's, anyway. I can toss one and see what he does. If he catches it I can go to it and be relatively certain that I'll at least land on the damn bird. If he doesn't, I can be somewhat certain it would be safe to try going to a moving kunai and risking giving up the element of surprise. It'd be better than nothing.'

For a few minutes she just tried to get a sense of timing—seeing where Gaara's shield of sand opened up and weakened when there were explosions, and what kind of targets Deidara was taking. She swallowed a bit nervously. "Hey, can you open up a hole above us for a minute?"

"Are you certain?" Even in his distracted state, he managed to sound dubious.

She didn't hold it against him. She was feeling pretty dubious herself and generally liked not having bombs fall on her head. "It should only take a second," she assured him in lieu of an answer just as he forced open a crack above them. "Oh, and one more thing. Be ready to catch."

He couldn't let Deidara get away, after all. She would try, but she probably couldn't hold onto him and prevent his escape once he realized what was going on.

Before he could ask her to clarify that not-entirely-reassuring statement, she'd flung the Hiraishin-tagged kunai in her hand. In a pin-straight arc of glittering metal, it zinged up, up, up, and slightly to the left of that stupid bird. At least, it was the left from her perspective. It was probably actually the right side.

It was a bit hard to tell from below. Deidara wasn't much of an artist.

"But he is a sucker," she muttered to herself, using a hand to shield her eyes from the sun when the chump above her caught the glittering metal and leaned over his stupid bird to shout something she couldn't entirely understand. "I'll be right back, dude."

Gaara blinked at the space next to his side where there had been a girl but was now only occupied by footprints in sand that he hadn't moved in a few minutes. "Dude?" he asked gingerly.

Her landing was a little jerky when her ass collided with sun-warmed clay and her legs stopped awkwardly a half foot above her hips. Disoriented, she grabbed onto the first thing she saw to stabilize herself. Of course, shirts weren't known for being particularly stable, but the boy attached to it seemed relatively sturdy.

'This is not entirely what I expected,' Aiko thought, blinking up at blue eyes that expressed about as much surprise as she felt. She was awkwardly sprawled on top of him, sitting in between his legs with hers propped over his thighs. Landing on someone's lap… well, it made some sense in the context of the tiny space she had to land on, and he'd been holding his hand above his head which had centered her over his body. This scenario had been one of the reasons she'd never gone to harass Yamato: it didn't seem like something she wanted anyone to remember her doing on accident.

It also entirely scuppered her tentative plan of unbalancing him with a good swift kick in the ass.

'But hey, it'll work.' She grinned at him, not caring that the expression was out of place. Then she latched onto a rather surprised (and surprisingly sun-burnt, he was pink all over his ears and cheeks) nuke-nin like a grabby baby koala and gracelessly threw all of her weight to one side.

Then he proceeded to pound the absolute crap out of her lightning-fast and she was blinking surprisedly up at the sky, winded and disoriented and her body wasn't responding she needed to reorient to land or she was going to hit it and break every bone in her fucking body and hell, this was a stupid way to die so far from home in the fucking desert-

A warm hand under her thighs and one under her back caught her attention about the same time that she detachedly noticed her right leg explode in a shower of fiery meat, splattering cinders and blood up into Gaara's face and chest.

Thankfully, she only stayed conscious for another few minutes.

"Oh, for the love of god," Tsunade snapped crabbily when the door to her office opened for the third time in so many minutes. "This is my office, not a playground."

"What happened with Suna?" Temari asked, standing side-by-side with Naruto and looked just about as worried and antsy at he did.

Tsunade had to take a moment to figure out what the hell she was babbling about.

Of course, Naruto had been silent for as long as he could handle when he was fidgety. "Why didn't Aiko come back," he demanded. "What happened?"

"Oh, right," Tsunade muttered, tucking a loose bit of hair behind her ear. "She never did come back, did she?" The girl had probably just gotten caught up talking to Gaara or hadn't been able to get in to see him immediately. It had been what, an hour? She frequently had longer waiting times. Everything was probably fine, although it was a bit unlike Aiko not to be punctual.

"Why don't you just check?" Sasuke prodded, looking irritated at having been dragged along on this silly crusade over what was probably nothing. "Aiko said you had a way to contact Suna quickly." He gave her a sullen expression that implied he wasn't pleased to have been out of the loop.

"Ah, yes," she said awkwardly. "I do."

Everyone waited.

"Are you going to use it?" the sand kunoichi asked with saccharine politeness.

Tsunade coughed. "I, ah. I don't have it here."

Temari's teeth were visibly gritted. "Where is it, pray tell?"

"In Suna," she admitted. As far as she knew, anyway. Maybe the girl had come back and forgotten to report? Because she was in a hurry or something?

The more she thought about it, the more Tsunade got the sneaking suspicion that something was actually wrong.

"What good does that do?" Naruto asked, sounding honestly baffled. "And what does that have to do with why Aiko never came back?" The Yamanaka girl made a muffled squeak sound that implied she had not been entirely on board with the plan to invade the Hokage's office en masse.

"It'll come back on its own," she admitted weakly. That story held together, right?

"You're not making any sense," Sasuke interjected sulkily. "Has senility finally caught up with you?"

"No," she snapped. "Look- just… Give me a moment to think." She furrowed her brow in consideration for a second. There was a way to check if Aiko was just messing around or if something had actually gone wrong. She didn't want to jump the gun and send off a rescue party if Aiko was just sitting in the Kazekage's office reading an old magazine. But she didn't have what she'd need to check.

"Get Hatake in here. Tell him it is time-sensitive."

The group looked at her stupidly. "I'm going to check on the situation, and I need something only he can do," she explained as if to idiots.

It wasn't fair to them at all, really. They had no reason to know about the Hiraishin, so they were hardly stupid for not making the connection. Once they'd filed out, she signaled the hidden ANBU to come out. "Bring me Hatake," she sighed. "Don't let him jerk you around. It's very serious."

The kids were almost certainly going to fail. Hatake was a sneaky bastard. But hey, it got them out from underfoot.

ANBU Ladybug (and Tsunade reminded herself to have a drink and a laugh about letting that sweet idiot repaint all the masks) brought him back in nine minutes. She knew, because she was glancing at the clock and half-expecting yet another interloper. Hatake didn't seem particularly impressed by being dragged to her office like a naughty child, but she spoke over him.

"I need you to activate the Hiraishin tag in your possession."

His one good eye widened, and he wordlessly pulled it out and complied. She held up a hand to silence him and just waited. An entire minute passed before she gave up hope.

"Well, fuck," she grumbled. "I suppose that does mean that something is wrong."

Aiko should have felt that immediately. The only reasons she wouldn't respond to an emergency signal were if she were already in a fight she couldn't leave or if she were physically incapable of sensing it and responding. Neither possibility bode well. At that point, the girl had been gone for nearly two hours.

"Hokage-sama?"

"Get your idiot team," she said in lieu of an answer. "You can have Naruto, Yamato, and Sasuke. You'll be escorting Sabaku no Temari back to Suna and investigating why Uzumaki Aiko is late to report."

She hadn't seen him move that fast in years, barring when he was hiding from that angry paperwork Chuunin.

'I should have known that idiot couldn't be trusted to do anything remotely important.' Sasori scowled, watching the position of the sun gradually move. He had waited hours after the explosions had stopped to give up on the moron. It had been over twenty-four hours since he'd reached their rendezvous point a few hours after that. Their agreed upon 30 hours time limit until one should assume the other was dead had gone by, and he was now certain that the inept hack he had been saddled with would not be returning. Sasori wasn't entirely sorry.

At this point, it might be wisest to retreat and gain reinforcements to try to retrieve his target later. But he hated waiting.

"Dying was probably the speediest thing that idiot ever did," he droned to no one.

He had to make a decision. Pein would be waiting for him to report in and request assistance with the extraction. Pein was cautious. He wouldn't risk showing his face via a projection until he knew Sasori was alone. He could call Pein and report the mission a failure, or try to acquire back up. Itachi and Kisame should be within a hundred miles- it hadn't been that long since he'd convinced them to donate their likeness to his puppets to serve as a delaying force if it was needed. But he didn't want to have to. Itachi would delay as he always did, eternally eager to put off the next mission. What a lazy boy he was.

He could easily infiltrate Suna to gain more information before he made a decision. He had set Deidara against the Kazekage for a reason: He would be a terrible opponent for Sasori in head-on combat. Sand could easily get inside the joints of his best puppets and make them all but useless. No, if he were to fight the Kazekage, it would have to be on grounds of his choosing and with preparation.

Sasori laboriously went through the process of oiling and re-loading his weaponry, killing time until departing to Suna would have him going through the gates at the busiest time of day when few people paid attention.

"Perhaps we were wrong to leap to force," Sasori mused, beginning the trek back to where he would re-enter Suna. Although it rankled and took a stupid amount of concentration, he used an advanced transformation technique to transform the wooden shell of Hiruko into a Suna Jounin he knew was missing from the village.

He'd killed him, after all.

Getting into Suna was piteously easy. Sasori had been using that spy for long enough that aping the fool's mannerisms was child's play. Making small talk was harder. "Did you see what happened?" His chakra construction leaned inward in the way his spy had been accustomed to.

The woman who had verified his identity (and clearly not particularly well at that) scoffed. "Are you kidding? I thought everyone saw. We hadn't even finished the evacuation when some Konoha kunoichi shows up out of nowhere and dragged that creep down. He didn't stand a chance after that."

"Konoha kunoichi?"

That was interesting. Was it one of the useless little medics that simpering, stupid Konoha had leant Suna? Back when he had lived in Suna they would have never stooped to accept such a denigrating 'aid'.

"Yeah," the simpleton agreed, completely oblivious to the fact that it had been a question.

Sasori rolled his eyes, knowing he wouldn't be getting anything more useful out of this interaction. He would check the hospital. It was a good bet that anyone who'd latched onto Deidara would have gotten a face-full of explosives. Surely a concerned citizen could find a little information about the girl who'd saved his hometown.

'I despise infiltration.' Behind his underwhelming guise, Sasori sneered at the idiotic masses clogging the otherwise efficient hospital entranceway. They were waiting to see their no-doubt equally witless friends and family. Deidara must have done something: He'd seen evidence of explosions like craters and dust around town. It was nothing on the scale of his usual destruction, though.

A pity. He could have at least had the decency to provide a better distraction for Sasori to work in.

He used a cloaking genjutsu to completely bypass the civilian secretary at the outer entrance. She would no doubt attempt to turn him away, and wouldn't have shinobi records in any case.

The desk that would have those records was where he remembered it being: cloaked under misdirective genjutsu and located in a room that appeared to just be another hospital room. At least the Suna nin were predictable. As he passed the doorway, he wordlessly set up a much more powerful misdirective illusion of his own.

If the staff had originally been a Chuunin (as had been policy back in the day), that medic had been pulled away to assist with emergency triage. There was no chance that the twitchy little thing behind the desk was anything more than a genin. Her hands were obviously soft, and she lacked muscle definition. Shameful. She blinked tiredly up at him when he entered, looking as if it was a struggle to raise her dusty colored lashes. "How can I help you, sir?"

"I wanted to ask about the Konoha kunoichi involved in the recent incident."

The weary smile she'd plastered on froze on her face. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't release that information. I'll have to ask you to leave now."

Sasori rolled his eyes and dropped his transformation at the exact instant the girl bolted towards the door, easily stopping her with wire around her ankles and pulling her back harshly to meet the floor face-first. She gave a high-pitched scream.

It was probably an attempt to summon more of her useless ilk, but it was a pointless gesture.

"Enough, girl. I do not have the patience for your babble. Were that girl or the Kazekage admitted to the hospital," he fished for information in a stern tone.

It would have been convenient to take the jinchuuriki from a bed if he were already injured and packaged up to go in bandages.

It only took a couple minutes to break the girl. She pathetically blubbered the answers to all his questions. The Kazekage had not reported any injuries, but he had carried a kunoichi in personally. Yes, she'd been treated for severe burns by personnel from her home village. No, she was no longer in the hospital. The Kazekage and his brother had removed her as soon as she was out of surgery the day before. Her orders had been not to share any information about the girl, from the Kazekage himself.

"Acceptable." Sasori dropped the girl to the floor, using Hiruko's tail to sever her spinal cord almost as an afterthought when she struggled to her knees in yet another pitiful attempt to escape and call for help. "Thank you for your assistance, nurse."

The Kazekage must regard this woman as an ally—understandable, if she really had come to his assistance against Deidara. He would be motivated to protect her from his many political enemies. She was probably under the protection of someone the jinchuuriki trusted…. That brother, perhaps. Yes, that was most logical. She would be hidden somewhere relatively close to where the Kazekage was operating so that he could respond quickly if something happened. But not just in some office building. No, she had been severely injured. She would be somewhere with beds, somewhere relatively isolated.

Unless Suna's layout had changed drastically, there was only one place that met all that criteria. The diplomatic suites. The majority of the civilians still hadn't been brought back from their evacuation hidey holes yet. Any important idiots who had been in the building would be gone now.

Sasori idly slipped into the skin of the girl he had left dead in the hospital with another illusion that hid him entirely while he puppeted her corpse. They would probably recognize the girl, and might even think she was carrying a message or medicine for a crucial instant when he made his presence known.

Assuming his information was correct, whoever this girl was had some sort of connection to the Kazekage. The fact that he had personally ensured her safety indicated that. Judging by the drugs prescribed on the clipboard he had found under the desk, she wouldn't be in any state to be offering objections about helping him get the Kazekage out of the city. All he would have to do would be grab the girl and make sure even an incompetent like Deidara would have been able to figure out he was the culprit and track him. Other than that, the Kazekage just had to know he was serious. It shouldn't be too difficult to make the point that not coming meant abandoning the girl to an unpleasant end. He would be unlikely to allow that without at least a cursory attempt at retrieval, if not for personal investment in her survival than because of his alliance with her village.

Fatally poisoning the brother (if he really was still babysitting so long after the girl had been released from the hospital) would be a nice touch. Sasori liked to kill the messenger.

Indeterminate time

'My lips feel like rubber.' Experimentally, Aiko curled her tongue just to see if she could move it. It felt so heavy that it was hard to believe she could. It gave her enough confidence to try something very important.

"Note to self. More plan next time," she managed thickly through the haze of adrenaline and healing chakra. "More better plan."

The medic nin who looked shockingly like Shizune didn't even spare her a chuckle. "Stop moving around, Aiko."

"Funny, you sound like Shizune too," she slurred drunkenly. Then… "Hey, you know my name."

As she frowned thoughtfully, a hand wreathed in green came up to her forehead.

The next thing Aiko knew, she was blinking gummily up at an unfamiliar ceiling. The feeling of strange bedcovers over her was disconcerting, so she immediately moved to fling them off and get up.

She was stopped by a hand on her shoulder. She looked at it for a long moment, not sure what it was doing there. It wasn't her hand, was it? No. It was big, and had stupid, rough-looking knuckles. She wrinkled her nose at it, not entirely pleased with having it in her personal space. So she licked it.

It quickly retreated.

"Hey now, don't be stupid." Kankuro grinned tiredly down at her. "I agreed to watch you because I didn't think you'd be doing much. You shouldn't be moving around. That medic pretty much reconstructed your leg and fixed up your rib and lung, but she said you're under bedrest orders for at least a week. And, ah…" He trailed off sheepishly. "And you're on a ton of drugs right now. I'm honestly not certain you can stand up. So, don't make my job hard. I'm beat already. I've gotten like three hours of sleep in the last 40 hours."

"Oh?" she asked tonelessly, still having a hard time remembering what was going on. She was starting to take inventory of her body. She was definitely under some wicked pain medication or sedation, judging by how odd she felt. Made sense from what he'd said.

Kankuro nodded. "Yeah, that asshole on the bird wasn't the only security breach. The other one scarpered off as soon as he went down, though." He gave a barking laugh. "Not much of a team player, I suppose. Gaara's off dealing with bullshit drama about all sorts of problems, but he didn't feel comfortable leaving you alone."

Aiko felt a little green, having remembered what she'd known last when he'd mentioned an asshole on a bird. A hand trailed uncertainly down her torso toward her leg. She'd remembered it exploding for no apparent reason, splattering blood all the way up into Gaara's face when he'd caught her fall. After that, things were a bit foggy.

'Man, I am going to have a wicked scar,' she thought. Granted, her memory was a bit fragmented, but she distinctly remembered looking down and seeing scorched bone. That probably meant nerve damage, didn't it? She'd have to wait until she could see the medic who'd fixed her up. Probably Shizune, if she was still in Suna. That hadn't been an injury most medics would tackle. They might have just pulled a sheet over her and moved on in triage. No, only someone who cared about her personally would have spared the effort to reconstruct her leg when there must have been plenty of other patients more likely to live out the day.

'I should get her the biggest fruit basket. No. A cookie bouquet.'

"Ah, Aiko? You still here?"

"Why am I not in the hospital," she asked distantly. That was where Shizune generally hung out. Her homies were there. Kankuro shrugged.

"Hell if I know. He wouldn't have won that fight nearly as easily if you hadn't been here, even if he won't spill what the hell it was you did to get the bastard within reach." He playfully raised an eyebrow. "Feel like shedding any light on that?"

'That doesn't make sense,' she registered, and wondered for the first time if she wasn't hallucinating. Shizune was highly unlikely to allow a sand nin to walk off with her patient. Not even if he had kitty ears.

She smiled weakly, feeling thick bandages over her lower half where her fingers touched under what felt like a dress or very short kimono. "Maybe later." Then she frowned. "What am I wearing?"

If Aiko craned her head, she could see splotches of lavender. Shapes were a bit hard right now, but she could definitely do colors, because something had happened that made them much more vivid than usual.

Kankuro shrugged. "One of Temari's old outfits," he explained idly. "I don't think she'll mind, given the circumstances. Your ah, shorts were…" He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well, they didn't fare well in the explosion."

'I think that means he saw my butt.'

Mortified, Aiko sunk down into the bed and pulled the sheets up over her face. Even if he was just part of a dream—and what a weird dream, why would she see Kankuro of all the people she knew—she didn't want him to see her butt.

"Kill me now," she groaned. She heard the door open and sharp movement from Kankuro—which stopped immediately. He heaved a sigh just as she managed to get her stupid, uncooperative fingers to pull the sheets back down and poked her head out to see a pretty girl in a medic's uniform bashfully creeping into the room.

"Ah, it's you, cute nurse-chan," Kankuro crooned playfully. Aiko rolled her eyes and sank back down into the covers. "Did we forget something, or are you just taking me up on the dinner offer?"

"Not exactly," came a gravelly and very male voice.

'That clinches it,' Aiko thought. 'This is a fever dream.'

The pretty woman who sounded like an asthmatic 90 year old man was quite enough of a hint that her perception was off. When she lunged forward to attack Kankuro with a needle, Aiko just shook her head. "What a cliché," she criticized. "I'm not even scared of needles."

Kankuro turned to give her an incredulous look as he fell to his knees. The medic swiveled to look at her. "Of course you aren't," she agreed in her man voice, stepping on Kankuro as she passed. "Get up, it's time to go."

"No!" Kankuro wheezed, clutching at the spot where he'd gotten his immunization like a big baby. But still, fair was fair.

"Don't you have to give him a bandaid?" Aiko peered over the side of the bed. Her legs weren't cooperating, so she just leaned over and was surprised to land on the ground with a thud.

"I already did," the man-nurse said. "Here, let me help you."

"'Kay."

Aiko shivered when the surprisingly strong nurse picked her up like a sack of flour. Her flesh was cold and uncomfortable to the touch, and she appeared to have one long bloodstain dripping down the back of her uniform. Dream-Kankuro had been right about how hard it was to move: her arms were dangling on the floor because the nurse wasn't very tall, and motor control was difficult. Hearing was hard, too. She might have been imagining that entirely, because she couldn't feel the nurse's chest move at all when she spoke.

It was funny that she hadn't realized that she was in a hospital. In retrospect, it had been stupid to think she was anywhere else. Sick people went to the doctor and she'd been to the doctor.

"That drug I just gave you is one of my own design," nurse said. "You have about three days to figure it out. You'll fail, of course. But in the meantime, give the Kazekage a message. He needs to meet me alone outside city limits after dark, if he wants her released."

Aiko snorted. "I don't think Gaara does drugs," she offered skeptically.

Plus, that was so totally not hospital policy about releasing patients.

Omake

Kankruo fidgeted, studiously looking anywhere but down. Gaara was stock still, but not any happier with the conversation. "You know," Kankuro started, "Lending her some of Temari's clothes seemed like a much better idea before I realized someone had to change her."

Gaara gave a thoughtful, considering 'mm' of agreement.

"I both really want to and want to run away as fast as I can," Kankuro admitted with open honesty. "You'd better do it."

The unconscious girl in the room didn't assert an opinion one way or another.

"No, I really think you are more suited for this task," Gaara instantly rejected.

"As your big brother—"

"As your Kazekage," Gaara countered firmly. Kankuro glared.

"Low blow, man," he muttered rebelliously, glancing uncertainly at the purple dress in his hands and doing his best not to think about it. "Ah…. Well."

He startled when the door opened and the floor nurse poked her head in. "Excuse me, but your friend has been cleared to leave under constant supervision, although I have some instructions to go over with you before discharge."

Kankuro gratefully leapt at her with a grin. She recoiled, but he didn't seem to notice or remember that he was still wearing his ghastly face paint and additional blood on his neck and jaw. "Nurse-chan! I have a mission for you, directly from the Kazekage. Right, Gaara?" he added pleadingly, hoping like hell his brother wouldn't humiliate him like this.

He liked naked girls. Really, he did. But he liked them to be conscious, and he liked them to not be likely to tear him a literal new asshole if they got offended about him seeing them in an indelicate state. Plus he'd feel like an enormous creep if he ogled someone barely recovering from surgery and drugged as all hell. If his hormones really had so few scruples, he didn't want to know.

Gaara looked between the two consideringly, clearly mulling it over. "Fine," he conceded.

His older brother outright sighed with relief. "Miss, our friend here won't be happy about being carried across town or waking up in a backless hospital gown. Could you change her?"

"Oh." She blinked. "That's all? That's no problem."

'and here I thought it was going to be something weird.'

#vapors #uzumaki aiko #electrasev5n #ninja daily #fanfiction #naruto fanfiction

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lesbianlotties · 2 years

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Hi.

Could you maybe recommend some gay af books? I'd love to read some!

Hi anon! first of all thank you for asking bc i love talking about my favorite gay books!! also this is so not going to be a comprehensive list or anything, like idk if these are the best or the most popular but they're the ones i've personally read! also shoutout to @lgbtqreads bc it's where i've personally gotten many recommendations so highly recommended! also this is almost entirely about lesbians because yes

First things first, the first gay book I read, for Carol reasons, was The Price of Salt! which I genuinely and absolutely loved. and it sent me in a path of similar historic-ish kind of path from which I specifically remember Tell it To The Bees (better ending than the movie!!) and Patience and Sarah. and then everything by Sarah Waters (except one book without lesbians that's still good), happy endings not guaranteed, just historial lesbian in wild stories, but they're all great, some of my favorite ever, especially Fingersmith and The Night Watch *chefs kiss*

Then I decided you know what, I want just cheesy, happy, sexy, little romance books! like low stakes, pretty much predictable, but just satisfying if you're in the mood for a romcom. so i went down the rabbit hole of reading every single book by Melissa Brayden (i genuinely recommend the 3 series she's written, or at least the first two, you need this in your life (don't expect a lot of diversity but like it's just fun okay? trust me)). there's also Georgia Beers, which I haven't read as much but still good!! I really liked the books by Lyn Gardner too. also Nina Lacour!

Which lead me to "mostly YA or romance books that I read and loved but don't remember enough to describe in detail but you should totally read": All Out (many lgbt stories), Dating Sarah Cooper, Annie On My Mind, i think everything by Malinda Lo. special shoutout to scifi/fantasy YA that i personally treasure! Labyrinth Lost! The Abyss Surrounds Us (and sequel)!! This Is How You Lose The Time War!! and of course The Locked Tomb series!!! also i promise that One Stop and The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo are 1000% worth it!!!

I don't read a lot of non-fiction but I could recommend Tegan and Sara's book also Cameron Esposito's book! don't have anything else in that category though

And because it's a personal favorite of mine, spooky gay books!! obviously start with The Haunting of Hill House, technically it's just subtext but it's worth it. Her Body and Other Parties is an absolute masterpiece, gay and unsettling (also the other book and comic book by Carmen Maria Machado!). a tragic and weird but amazing if you know how to appreciate if its for you, Carmila!!! and I'd totally count My Best Friend's Exorcism as gay because it's just very gay

okay that's it!!

let me know if you'd like to know more about one of them specifically or if you'd like to talk about any of them because I'd absolutely love to!!! <3

#this goes for anon and everyone else that sees it! i hope you enjoy it and talk to me about them anytime!!#answered #lgbt books #book recs

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an-eldritch-peredhel · 1 year

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heyas! i'm your gifter for the tolkien secret santa :) just wondering if you've got any particular things you'd like to see; any favorite eldritch peredhel bits, especial character preferences, any hcs that are near & dear you'd like? (as vague or as broad as you feel like being! i have a few vague ideas cooking so far)

Hello! Sorry it took me a bit to answer this, I've been Sick this whole past week which put a bit of a damper on my holiday spirit lol.

I always use these event asks as a place to ramble and headcanon dump (here's last year's which might be useful? It has a bunch of headcanons on Doriath and Menegroth culture!) so I hope you find something that inspires or intrigues you, but no pressure to use anything! Also I Cannot Remember what specifically I put in my request, so apologies if any of this is repetitive.

I love worldbuilding and character building and generally making places and people feel alive in a very personal way. Good relationships and fluff in contrast to The Agonies Of The Plot are very much my general M.O. lol, and I tend to prefer my angst as hurt/comfort or bittersweet. I love love love the importance of choice and conscious decisions to the nature of Arda and its people. Sweet family domesticity is like crack to me.

One of my favorite parts about eldritch peredhil is taking these fairy-tale people Tolkien gives us and taking them to their logical extreme of magical Beings and Creatures while still being, you know, good, relatable characters. Fae vibes are top tier, always (circling the fairy-tale idea around!!), and some good animal-esque instincts and body language is just *chefs kiss*, whether as something lighthearted and silly (stupidly massive dilating cat eyes and bird courting instincts my beloveds) or more serious and dramatic (being a little possessive, for instance, hunting instincts, also getting Spooky when emotion runs high)

One thing which I have seen done well but is not my cup of tea is darker takes on this in relation to. Well. Relationships. It's important to me (for Beren/Luthien especially) that just because magic is involved it doesn't take away or minimize the choice of either party. Maybe they don't quite know what they're getting into, but it's more in a "Ah. My girlfriend is kinda nocturnal and doesn't always remember that I need sleep" way and not a love spell way, and that any possessive behavior is still healthy and agreed upon. Also related: they might not be perfect parents, but they try their bests and love their kid(s) and let them make their own choices and please Tolkien I need one mostly healthy and happy family in this legendarium let me have this just two-three generations is all I'm asking-

Ahem. Yeah. So I'd prefer something that isn't on the darker side for that lol. As for character preference, I'm happy reading about whoever! I do have a bias to the earlier generations of Melian's line (more concentrated Spooky!), but I love all the peredhil to pieces, I just haven't given them as much detailed thought, and haven't made up my mind on how some stuff is portrayed in my Arda, so go wild with whoever!

Some general headcanons: I love some good fluffy werewolf!Beren as seasoning after the undeath deal, I think he deserves headpats and belly rubs and also being able to full body shake out his wet fur to spray his wife and kid despite their protests <3

Luthien is so much to me honestly. I could go on for pages. She's mostly vegetarian, except for when she hunts down prey she kills with her teeth and eats raw. She's immutably human by her own choice and nature, she's incredibly inhuman via the same. She loves her parents, she hates her parents. She unfailingly adores the People she's chosen. If she'd adopted Turin his early life would have been much weirder but also much better because if anyone can dodge Morgoth's curse it's her. She makes me insane <3

Daeron is the greatest uncle ever and is super weird about everything (affectionate) and is permanently relegated to "Baby Brother" in Luthien's mind and vibes strangely well with Beren. He's little Dior's favorite person in the world because he travels so far east and comes back with awesome stories and taught him how to play instruments and gives him cool presents!

Beren & Luthien: What do you have there?

Dior: A knife! :D

Beren: NO!

(Luthien: We use our fangs and talons in this household sweetie

Beren, again: NO!!!)

Let's see... I've written a lot on Dior and Nimloth in other places, if you're interested in them, but! Because I will make everything end up ok even if it kills me! Dior technically counts as human in soul but by virtue of rules-lawyering and debating The Lord Of The Dead (and also being a thinly veiled trans allegory haha whoops I was oblivious) alongside Nimloth he gets to be reembodied and counted as an elf. E^2 1.0 are deemed too young to Choose but their parents are like "well they aren't getting any older being dead, reembody them with us and then they can make their Choice later" which to Namo's regret and amusement is perfectly valid logic

Speaking of Elured and Elurin. My dear, sweet, small children. My Frankenstein's monsters :)

Everything ends up fine by virtue of my "no permanent unhappy endings if we have them at all" agenda! But my take on their fate is that they end up pretty severely Changed by virtue of Doriath's ambient Maiarin Radiation And Not-Insignificant Sentience, turned into Something that lets That-Which-Used-To-Be-Elured&Elurin survive but as a fun, monstrous, eldritch cryptid! They end up dying probably because Doriath slowly drains of power as the Age moves on and lets them go- or maybe it's because Beleriand drowns, I don't really know, point being they're in Mandos and (mostly) themselves again and can now get therapy and reunions! I have many thoughts on them growing up in ~2nd Age Valinor and freaking the Amanyar out and being very frustrated that Elwing is the big sister now (until they finally get taller than her).

Elwing is all vibes and incoherent thoughts in my head. She's like 7 mental illnesses stacked in a feather-cloak. She deserves to go feral and bite stuff. She schedules mental breakdowns in her daily planner and abides by it to the minute while dressed up for brunch. She likes to scream for little-no particular reason in the same way that someone might idly use a fidget toy. I think she serves as a seagull mob boss and has a bunch of hitbirds to subtly and classily threaten to torment people with.

Elrond and Elros grew up in an apocalypse and came into their own in a post-apocalypse and they are simultaneously super weird and strangely well adjusted because of it. Elros settles into himself earlier, but Elrond fakes normalcy better. Also they have mary sue "everyone except the bad guys likes them" vibes.

So yeah that was my rambling, I'm so excited to see what you write!

#ask #my headcanons #peredhil

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malocclusive · 7 days

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BG 3 Act 2 talk under the cut. Like so goddamn much. If you haven't gotten here yet, it's going to be confusing, but I was really stupid and made a ton of accidental discoveries and can't stop laughing. It's 3 am. (We have school off tomorrow) and I've put in 82 SAVED hours (Not counting all the times I fucked up and had to redo shit) in the past 3 weeks.

Losing my fucking shit laughing. My dumb ass missed SO MUCH in Moonrise. Like. SO much. I finished with Z'rell, and she sent me to go get Balthazar from the mausoleum. I convinced her into giving me Balthazar's key, and making the bugbear give me the good shit, and then went on my merry way to go back to the mausoleum.

God, I love my sad wizard.

Like... Immediately after. I remember not knowing where Balthazar's chambers were, then getting lost and getting distracted, and walking out of Moonrise. I get an alert that the tieflings/Wulbren questlines updated.

I had just handed Wulbren a hammer and he said he'd leave when it was quiet. I figured I didn't need to do anything more, since hanging around would be suspicious, so I didn't tell him I'd come back when the coast was clear. Apparently doing this allowed the most confusing alert ever, so I went back to Last Light.

Yeah, he died. ALL of the tieflings made it, though! And the only thing I could find about losing Wulbren (No info about this weird af alert from anyone online) is that he's a prick, so don't risk your ass over it.

I still felt guilty and didn't want Barcus to be upset his buddy died, so I went back. Holy shit. I missed EVERYTHING. I stole a bunch of shit from Kethric's room, played with his weirdass dog, stole a bunch of shit from Balthazar's room, and decided I'd try my hand at saving the prisoners. I'd briefly glanced that folks had trouble getting them to "boats in the basement", so I went to find this basement.

Ended up gaseous forming through the cat hole (That a summoned cat can't go through???) and scooting around the docks, terrified I'd get caught.

Which I did. I forgot it was a 10 turn potion, and I just zooped back into my normal body, and a guard started chatting with me. I end up persuading him to let me look at the cargo, because in my head I'm thinking, "Yeah, just supplies. Who cares. Maybe there's something cool I can steal, since they're giving me the option to schmooze this guy,"

OH, OK, BIGASS TADPOLE CANISTER. YEAH, LET'S POCKET THAT AND NOT LET IT ON THE CARGO SHIP.

Anyways, I save then and there, and try to talk to Karlach to see if I could tell anyone about my extremely wild thermos, and she's going on about her old army pal. From there, we go downstairs and I start killing torches so we can sneak around and kill the guards. I get to the last torch, and get an alert. Apparently Wulbren made it, AND the tieflings made it! What?! Ok, head back. Nope. Apparently Cal and Danis died along the travels, and we got Wulbren instead.

Fuck that noise, reload.

Talk to Karlach (I'd saved mid convo) and then have us all quicktravel to the Moonrise entrance, and get the notification that Wulbren died but the tieflings were cool. Go back to check, and it's all gravy. AND I have all the goodies, blackmail, and canister in tow.

#bg3 #I'm a dingus #moonrise towers #I done goofed #but it was great #bart

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19761107 · 8 months

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『Bridges of Madison County』Part2～"I've never said it before. But this kind of certainty comes just once in a lifetime."～

Four days of destiny

This time they met at Holywell Bridge.

A beautiful bridge with a white roof.

So Robert shot Francesca with the bridge in the background.

Francesca like a shy girl is wonderful.

Robert helps Francesca cook, sets the table, and is very kind to Francesca.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Inside Francesca's mind:

"I realized that he had been here just a few minutes before."

"I was lying where the water had run down his body and I found that intensely erotic."

"Almost everything about Robert Kincaid had begun to seem erotic to me."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Then Francesca changed into a dress.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Francesca:

"What's wrong?"

Robert:

"You look stunning."

"If you don't mind me saying so."

"Make-them-run-around-the block-howling-in-agony stunning."

ーーーーーーーーーー

The phone rings just as they are trying to reach each other.

Francesca hesitates but answers the phone.

It was from her neighborhood friend Madge.

She talks to Madge while touching Robert's body.

And the two become lovers.

It's good that the person on the phone isn't her husband here.

If it was her husband, the item of the work would be gone.

Good thing about American movies.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Carolyn:

"What's wrong?"

Michael:

"I'm going to get some air."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Carolyn laughed, thinking that would be the case with Michael.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Francesca:

"Take me someplace."

"Where you've Been"

"Someplace on the other side of the world."

Robert:

"How about Italy?"

Francesca:

"Yeah."

Robert:

"How about Bari?"

Francesca:

"Tell me about that time…you got off…the train."

Robert:

"You know the station."

Francesca:

"Yeah"

Robert:

"Know the little restaurant with the striped awning across the way…serves Arancino."

Francesca:

"E' Arachino."

"And zeppolis.”

"I know that place."

Robert:

"Well, I had coffee there."

Francesca:

"Did you sit…by the doorway or near the…front of the church?"

Robert:

"I was near the church."

Francesca:

"I know, I sat there once."

"I sat there once…on a day like this."

"It was very hot and…I'd been shopping and I had all these packages around my feet."

"I had to keep moving them."

"You make me forget my story."

Robert:

"Lucky me."

Inside Francesca's mind:

"I had thoughts about him…I hardly knew what to do with."

"And he read every one."

"Whatever I felt."

"Whatever I wanted, he gave himself up to."

"And in that moment…everything I knew to be true about myself up until then, was gone."

"I was acting like another woman…yet I was more myself than ever before."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Francesca gave Robert a pendant that he had been wearing since her seventh birthday.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Robert:

"Try to cram in a whole lifetime between now and Friday."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Robert wants you to follow her.

He doesn't want this to end.

Michael and Carolyn's change of heart

ーーーーーーーーーー

Carolyn:

"Where'd you go?"

Michael:

"Bar in town."

Carolyn:

"Did you call Betty?"

"Maybe you should."

Michael:

"I heard about Lucy."

"I found out who Lucy Delaney is."

"Remember the Delaneys from Hillcrest Road?"

Carolyn:

"Yeah. But I thought she died."

Michael:

"He remarried Lucy Redfield."

"Apparently, they were having an affair for years."

"Apparently, the first Mrs. Delaney was a bit of a stiff."

Carolyn:

"You mean…she didn't like sex?"

Michael:

"Mom could have helped."

Carolyn:

"All these years I've resented not living the wild life in some place like Paris."

"And all the time I could have moved back to Iowa."

"Are you drunk?"

Michael:

"Not yet."

ーーーーーーーーーー

The brothers had a pleasant conversation, thinking of their mother.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Michael:

"I've never cheated on Betty."

"Not once we were married, I mean."

Carolyn:

"Did you want to?"

Michael:

"Only about a thousand times."

Carolyn:

"What do I do now?"

"What's good enough for Mom is good enough for me?"

Carolyn:

"What gets me…is I'm in my forties."

"I've been in this crummy marriage for over 20 years…"

"because that's what I was taught."

"You stick things out."

"Normal people don't divorce."

"I can't remember when my husband loved me so intensely…"

"that he transported me to Africa."

"Frankly, I don't think he ever did."

"And now I find out that in between bake sales, my mother was Anais Nin."

Michael:

"What about me?"

"I feel really weird."

"Like she cheated on me, not Dad."

"Isn't that sick?"

"You know , when you're the only son you sort of…feel like the prince of the kingdom."

"In the back of your mind…"

"You think your mother shouldn't want sex anymore because she has you."

Carolyn:

"You're right, that is sick."

Michael:

"If she was so unhappy, why didn't she leave?"

"Can I read it now?"

"Did I miss anything important?"

Carolyn:

"She just took him to her room."

Michael:

"Dad's room?"

Carolyn:

"All right, you can skip that part."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Michael chugged down the bottle and started reading.

Fear of Losing

ーーーーーーーーーー

In Francesca's mind:

"Robert lay asleep in the bed."

"I was up all night that night."

"What happens tomorrow?"

"He will leave and everything new and unknown that had become so familiar…would be gone."

ーーーーーーーーーー

In the morning, Francesca was frustrated as she watched Robert eat breakfast.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Francesca:

"Did you sleep well?"

"good"

"More coffee?"

"I hope you don't mind my asking, but I feel like I should."

"These women friends of yours all over the world…how does it work?"

"Do you see some of them again, or…do you forget others?"

"Or do you write to some of them now and then?"

"How do you manage it?"

Robert:

"What do you mean?"

Francesca:

"I just need to know the procedure so I don't upset it your routine."

Robert:

"What are you talking about?"

"There's no routine."

"Is that what you think this is?"

Francesca:

"What is this?"

Robert:

"Is it up to me?"

"You're the one who's married, who won't leave her husband."

Francesca:

"To do what?"

"Go off with someone who needs everyone, but no one in particular?"

Robert:

"I was honest with you."

Francesca:

"Yes, absolutely."

"You have this habit of not needing, and that's very hard to break."

"In that case, why sleep?"

"You don't need rest."

"Why eat? You don't need food."

Robert:

"What're you doing?"

Francesca:

"Maybe I'm not cut out to be a citizen…"

"who experiences everything and nothing."

Robert:

"How do you know what I experience?"

Francesca:

"I know you."

"What can this possibly mean to someone…"

"who doesn't need meaning, who just goes with the mystery?"

"Who pretends he's not scared to death?"

Robert:

"Let's stop this."

Francesca:

"After you leave, I’ll have to sit here the rest of my life…"

"and wonder what happened to me, if anything, happened at all."

"I'll wonder if you're in some housewife's kitchen in Romania…"

"telling her about your world of good friends, including me in that group."

Robert:

"What should I say?"

Francesca:

"I don't want you to say anything."

"I don't need you to say anything."

Robert:

"I want you to stop this right now."

Francesca:

"Fine."

"More eggs? Or shall we fuck on the linoleum one last time?"

Robert:

"I won't apologize for who I am."

"I won't feel like I did anything wrong."

Francesca:

"You won't feel anything, period!"

"You have carved out a part for yourself in the world as a voyeur…"

"and a hermit and a lover whenever you feel like it."

"The rest of us are supposed to feel grateful for this brief moment---"

"Go to hell."

"It isn't human not to be lonely and afraid!"

"You're a hypocrite and a phony!"

ーーーーーーーーーー

Robert's heart

ーーーーーーーーーー

Robert:

"I don't want to need you."

Francesca:

"Why?"

Robert:

"Because I can't have you."

Francesca:

"What difference does that make?"

"Don't you see."

"Oh, Robert, don't you see?"

"I just have to know the truth."

"I have to know the truth, because if I don't, I'll go crazy."

"So just tell me."

"I can't act like this is enough because it has to be."

"And I can't pretend not to feel what I feel…because it's over tomorrow."

Robert:

"If I've done anything…to make you think that…"

"what we have between us is nothing new for me…"

"is just some routine…then I do apologize."

Francesca:

"What makes it different?"

Robert:

"When I think…of why I make pictures…the only reason I can think of…"

"just seems that I've been making my way here."

"Seems right now, that all I've done in my life…"

"was making my way here to you."

"And if I think about leaving here tomorrow…without you."

Francesca:

"Don't let go"

"My God, what are we going to do?"

Robert:

"Come with me."

"Come away with me."

ーーーーーーーーーー

And Francesca prepares for the trip.

Francesca continues to worry.

Dilemma and decision

ーーーーーーーーーー

Robert:

"You're not coming with me, are you?"

Francesca:

"No matter how many times I turn it over in my mind…"

"it doesn't seem like the right thing."

Robert:

"For who?"

Francesca:

"For anyone."

"They'll never be able to live through the talk."

"And Richard…Richard will never be able to get his arms around this."

"It will break him in half."

"He doesn't deserve that."

"He's never hurt anyone in his whole life."

Robert:

"He can move on."

"People move."

Francesca:

"His family has had this farm for over 100 years."

"Richard doesn't know how to live anywhere else."

"And my kids…"

Robert:

"They're practically grown."

"You said they hardly talk to you."

Francesca:

"Yeah, they don't say much."

"But Carolyn is only 16."

"She's about to find out about all of this for herself."

"She's going to fall in love…and she'll try to build a life with someone."

"If I leave…what does that say to her?"

Robert:

"What about us?"

Francesca:

"You have to know…deep down…"

"the minute we leave here, everything will change."

Robert:

"Yeah, it could…get better."

Francesca:

"And no matter how much distance we put between ourselves and this house…"

"I carry it with me."

"I feel it every minute we're together."

"And I will start to blame loving you for how much it hurts."

"And then, even these…four…"

"beautiful days will seem just like something sordid and a mistake."

Robert:

"Do you think that what happened with us just happens to anyone?"

"What do we feel for each other?."

“We're hardly…two separate people now.”

"And…some people search all their life for this and never find it."

"Others don't even think it exists."

"You're going to tell me that…this is the right thing to do?"

"Give it up?"

Francesca:

"We are the choices that we have made."

"You don't understand."

"Don't you see?"

“Nobody understands when a woman makes a choice…to marry and have children…”

"in one way her life begins, but in another way, it stops."

"You build a life of details and…you just stop and stay…"

"steady so that your children can move."

“And when they leave, they take your life of details with them.

"You're expected to move on again, but you don't remember…"

"what it was that moved you, because no one's asked you in so long."

"Not even yourself."

"But you never think…love like this is going to happen to you."

Robert:

"But now that you have it…"

Francesca:

"Well, now I want to keep it forever."

"I want to love you the way I do now for the rest of my life, but…"

"if we leave…we lose it."

"And I can't make an entire life disappear…to start a new one."

"All I can do is try to hold on to both of us…somewhere inside of me."

"You have to help me."

Robert:

"Don't lose us."

"Don't throw us away."

"Maybe you feel this way. Maybe not."

"Maybe it's because you're in this house."

"Maybe tomorrow, when they come back…you'll feel differently.

Francesca:

"I don't know."

Robert:

"Look…I'll be here a few more days."

"We can talk later."

"We don't have to decide right now."

Francesca:

"Robert, don't do this."

Robert:

"I don't want to say good-bye right now."

"We don't have to make that decision."

"Maybe you'll change your mind."

"Maybe we'll see each other and you'll change your mind."

Francesca:

"If that happens you have to decide…"

"because I can't."

Robert:

"I'll only say this once."

"I've never said it before."

"But this kind of certainty comes just once in a lifetime."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Robert left.

Unity

Francesca runs after Robert, thinking she will never see him again.

And her family is back.

Welcome her family with red eyes.

ーーーーーーーーーー

In Francesca's mind:

"You all came home."

"And, with you, my life of details."

"A day or two passed…"

"And with each thought of him…"

"a task would present itself like a lifesaver…"

"pulling me further away from those 4 days."

"I was grateful."

"I felt safe."

ーーーーーーーーーー

One rainy day, Francesca and her husband went shopping in town.

Francesca finished shopping at the general store first and returned to the car.

Then Robert's car is parked across the street.

Robert got out of the car, soaking wet, and stared at Francesca.

Francesca looked at Robert desperately.

Then he took a few steps closer and they looked at each other.

Francesca smiled slightly.

As if to say goodbye…

And Robert gently smiles back.

As if to say thank you…

Robert, soaking wet, slowly looked dead and didn't blink, turned to the car, and left.

What a shameful appearance of Robert.

The pitiful figure of Robert, who said he liked solitude and had no loneliness or fear.

You will surely be impressed by the appearance of this Robert.

How many thoughts were conveyed between the two of them in this speechless conversation with only smiles?

Great performances by Eastwood and Meryl Streep.

It is a famous scene that will surely remain in posterity.

Farewell in this world

Francesca hangs her head and can't stop crying.

Her husband is back there.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Inside Francesca's mind:

"For a moment, I didn't know where I was."

"And for a split second, I thought that he didn't really want me."

"That it was easy to walk away."

ーーーーーーーーーー

When Richard tries to pass Robert's car, Robert cuts in and waits for a traffic light.

Richard's car pulled up behind Robert's.

Francesca stares at Robert's back so as not to miss a moment.

ーーーーーーーーーー

In Francesca's mind:

"Robert leaned over as if to get something from the glovebox."

"Eight days ago he'd done that…and his arm had brushed across my legs."

"A week ago I'd been in DesMoines, buying a new dress."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Robert gently hung Francesca's pendant in the rearview mirror.

It was as if he was saying that from now on, he would think of this pendant as you, and that he would live his life alone.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Richard:

"That truck's a long way from home."

"Washington State."

"I'll bet it's that photographer they talked about at the cafe."

ーーーーーーーーーー

The traffic light turns green, but Robert will not proceed.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Richard:

"What's he waiting for?"

ーーーーーーーーーー

Francesca, who thought she would never see him again, grabbed the passenger doorknob and tried to run away.

Then she turned the doorknob and the door was about to open.

Richard honked.

The sound brought Francesca back to herself.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Richard:

"Come on!"

ーーーーーーーーーー

Robert made a left turn as prompted by Richard.

Richard will continue straight ahead.

She could see Robert's face as he turned.

Francesca saw him off without blinking.

Francesca let go of the hand that gripped the doorknob.

ーーーーーーーーーー

In Francesca's mind:

"The words were inside of me."

"I was wrong, Robert."

"I was wrong to stay, but I can't go."

"Let me tell you again why I can't go."

"Tell me again why I should go."

"I heard his voice coming back to me:"

" 'This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime' ."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Richard sees Francesca crying for no reason,

ーーーーーーーーーー

Richard:

"What's wrong? Frany."

"Will you please tell me what's wrong with you?"

Francesca:

"I just need a minute, Richard."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Francesca to Robert

ーーーーーーーーーー

Francesca:

"Forgive me…"

ーーーーーーーーーー

said.

When she got home, Francesca turned up the radio and cried to herself in a corner.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Inside Francesca's mind:

"I was grateful for the silence that night."

"I realized love won't obey our expectations."

"It's mystery is pure and absolute."

"What Robert and I had…could not continue if we were together."

“And what Richard and I shared would vanish if we were apart.”

"But how I wanted to share this."

"How would our lives have changed if I had?."

"Could anyone else have seen the beauty of it?"

ーーーーーーーーーー

Subsequent life

ーーーーーーーーーー

Inside Francesca's mind:

"We became inseparable, Lucy and I."

"The funny thing is…I didn't tell her about Robert until years later."

"But for some reason, being with her…somehow made me feel…"

"it was safe to think about him…to continue loving him."

"The town loved talking about the two of us."

"But we didn't care."

"And neither did your father."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Richard, who is getting old and sick, tells Francesca.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Richard:

"Franny, I just want to say…I know you had your own dreams."

"I'm sorry I couldn't give them to you."

"I love you so very much."

Inside Francesca's mind:

"After your father died I tried to get in touch with Robert…"

”but he had left National Geographic.”

"No one seemed to know where he was."

"My only connections to him were the places we'd been that day."

"And so, each year on my birthday, I'd revisit them."

"And then one day, I received a letter from his attorney…with a package."

ーーーーーーーーーー

It contained Robert's belongings and a letter to her.

His favorite camera, Robert's book "Four Days Forever", his bracelet and Francesca's pendant.

When she opened the book, on the first page was a note in which Francesca invited him to dinner.

And on the first page it was written that it was dedicated to dear "F".

Robert's words, "This is the true love of a lifetime," were never a lie.

She put on his bracelet and gently clasped the pendant she gave him before, he had been wearing all along.

Francesca learns of Robert's death.

What were her thoughts on holding the pendant?

How did Robert end his life?

ーーーーーーーーーー

"The old dreams…were good dreams"

"They didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them."

ーーーーーーーーーー

I think he was living while convincing himself.

Carolyne and Michael toasted the brandy their mothers drank from their glasses.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Inside Francesca's mind:

"There has not been a day since that I have not thought of him."

"When he said that we were no longer two people…he was right."

"We were bound together as tightly as two people can be."

"If it hadn't been for him, I could not have lasted on the farm all those years."

ーーーーーーーーーー

In this sentence, you can see why children "thank" Robert.

Because of these four days, she was able to make up her mind to face her family and endure life here.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Inside Francesca's letter:

"Remember my dress that you wanted, Carolyn?"

"'The one you said I never wore?"

"I know I was silly, but…to me it was as if you were asking to wear my wedding dress to the movies."

"After reading all this…I hope you can now understand my burial request."

"It was not the ravings of some mad old lady."

"I gave my life to my family."

"I wish to give Robert what is left of me."

ーーーーーーーーーー

Understanding Mother

Michael went back to his wife and said,

ーーーーーーーーーー

Michael:

"Do I make you happy, Betty?"

"Because I want to"

"More than anything."

ーーーーーーーーーー

and hugged her.

Michael must have been worried about his wife after knowing his mother's feelings.

It is interesting.

Are you overwhelmed by your daily life and end up with monotonous and uninteresting communication and physical contact with your partner?

To put it in a bad way, don't you think of your partner as something you own?

It's the beginning of a misunderstanding.

I want to be careful too.

Carolyn put on her mother's prized dress.

And her mother gave her the courage to contact her husband.

ーーーーーーーーーー

Carolyn:

"Hi, Steve. It's me."

"Good."

"You?"

"Listen, we have to talk."

"How about now?"

"I've decided to stay here for a while."

"I don't know how long."

"No. I'm not angry, Steve."

"I'm not."

"I'm not angry at all."

ーーーーーーーーーー

This was Carolyn's choice.

It may be that she has reaffirmed her love for her husband.

ーーーーーーーーーー

In Francesca's letter:

"I gave Lucy his photography book.."

"If you're interested, take a look."

"If my words still leave some things unclear…"

"perhaps his pictures can illuminate."

"After all…that's what an artist does best."

"I love you both…with all my heart."

"Do what you have to to be happy in this life."

"There is so much beauty."

"Go well my children."

ーーーーーーーーーー

The two then accepted their mother's sincere feelings and scattered the ashes from the Roseman Bridge.

With love, they let their mother go to Robert's.

Shape of love

Francesca left this world with her family intact and her memories beautiful.

With the guilt of hurting Robert and the repression of wanting to follow him, she confided only to Lucy and ended her life.

Do you have any memories other than your current wife, husband, or lover?

I think there are people who say that it happened in the past.

Isn't it a good memory that shines just as much as the love you have with your current partner and family?

How strange love is!

There is no limit to the existence of just one.

There are as many people as you love.

The most important person, but the choice to keep it as a good memory.

How clever humans are!

For only four days she lived for herself.

It was only for four days, but this life-threatening love gave her vitality for the rest of her life.

She says that without these four days, she would not have been able to endure the rest of her life.

On the other hand, it must have been difficult for Robert.

Because he loved her, he must have felt pity for her to live her life in pain.

Love is the feeling that the other person becomes part of you.

Separation is part of it leaving.

It's never been this hard.

Francesca says that not a day goes by that she doesn't think of Robert.

In the magazine photo, Robert wears a Francesca pendant around his neck.

Like Robert, there shouldn't have been a day that he didn't think of Francesca.

I want young people to fall in love.

How precious it will be,

I think it will shine brighter with each passing year.

We won't regret our life.

Even if our death is approaching, we can think that we had a good life because we have those memories.

Production of a melodrama that can withstand criticism

And the magnificence of this work is its performance.

ーーーーーーーーーー

☆Francesca listening songs

☆Camera work that understands the feelings in Francesca's eyes

☆Differences in how family and Robert close the door

☆Rural exclusivity and decent living

☆Flies that are always present in homes with livestock home tractor

☆Harmony of Love Romance on the Beautiful Roseman Bridge

☆Contrast between a homely married woman and a lonely and free man

☆A homely dining table and bedroom that became a symbol of ethics

☆Ethics that pierce Francesca and Robert

☆Compassion for Richard, who cannot bear to continue living in the countryside after his wife has run away from him.

☆Francesca's rationality of not wanting to hurt anyone

☆The cleverness of the decision to not regret the four days

☆Pathetic Robert soaking wet in the downpour

☆Elderly Robert's melancholy gray hair and facial wrinkles and figure

☆The kindness that Robert left himself instead of letting Francesca say Good-bye

☆The scene where Richard apologizes to Francesca on his deathbed.

☆Starring Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood

☆A mother's desire to let her grown-up children know how she feels

☆Communication between Lucy and Francesca, who suffer in the same circumstances

☆A pendant in place of a lover and a dress of memories

☆A rendition of two people coming together after death on the Roseman Bridge

ーーーーーーーーーー

It was a movie like a parade of famous scenes.

The value of remembering love

There is no other work in which sorrow lasts long.

It's a long-lasting loneliness and sadness, as if we've seen a long story.

Valuable experience Robert said,

ーーーーーーーーーー

"And…some people search all their life for this and never find it."

"Others don't even think it exists."

ーーーーーーーーーー

I want young people to have many precious loves like this.

And if you have a partner or family, please think back to the past.

Dig up those memories.

When you think back on it, I think you can change your current life into something more valuable.

By all means, please watch this work.

If you have seen it, please watch it again.

The way you see it changes depending on the stage of your life, so I want you to watch it as many times as you like.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

…Dedicated to Dear, "Y"

See you in the next work.

Good bye.　　

…The end.

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