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rainbowsky · 1 year

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so today my mom was over at my place and my desktop background is a picture of xiao zhan from his winter solstice shoot, and when she saw it she asked who the hottie was and i had to restrain myself bc it was not the time place or the right person to info dump to! luckily or maybe unfortunately as an autistic person "conceal don't reveal" is a thing at which i excel alkjhslkdjf

but that got me wondering if i could perhaps ask for your perspective and experience with this, since i know you are also autistic. i find it very difficult to determine how much of my hyperfixations and special interests are safe to reveal to others and i've had some not so great reactions before so now i tend to keep up the mask and hold it all in, even with people close to me. as a result i know i probably come across as a very boring and negative person who is never interested in anything. i don't think i'm like that, but honestly i'm not sure anymore. i've pretended for so long i don't really know who i am.

do you share a lot with the people around you about your special interests? how do you know when where and to whom it's safe? does it all come down to surrounding yourself with good and understanding people that you're comfortable around and that accept you completely? writing it out now it looks so simple, like yes of course that's what i'm supposed to do! but how?? i don't know how to read people and on the occasions i have decided to trust someone and it turned out to be a huge mistake it feels really bad to be proven wrong, and being wrong lowers the chances that i'll open up again.

i can't help but fear that i will never be able to truly be myself around other people. in online spaces it's possible to stay anonymous and it's easy to just block and ignore the assholes, but it seems much harder irl. do you perhaps have any tips? since we have some of the same interests and your blog exudes a calm and accepting energy i feel like you would be a good person to ask. i hope it doesn't put you out.

thanks so much and take care! 💜

Hi Anon! 💖

It's not your job to protect people from your personality. I'm sad whenever I see this being taught to people, it's so wrong.

There is an affirmation that's been making the rounds for years that is so true: "You deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable."

A lot of neurodivergent people seem to carry the baggage of neurotypical people's disdain toward, impatience with and disrespect for the differences of others, and to that I say: BS. Their bigotry, ignorance and entitlement are not your problem.

A lot of the standards and expectations around how people 'should' be are a product of dominance culture (aka white supremacy culture). The belief that there is 'one right way' to be - and that the only way to be worthy and acceptable in society is to conform to that 'one right way' - is a core feature of dominance culture. That culture is one of the most destructive forces on the planet, and I urge everyone to root it out and dismantle it wherever they find it.

In fact there are many wonderful ways to be and live, and in a conformist world our choice to love ourselves, be ourselves and pursue self-actualization is a revolutionary act.

Of course we can and should work with others to build bridges across our differences and find ways to ensure that both people's needs get met in our relationships. But it's important that it is a two-way street, and not just a situation where we're doing all the adapting and accommodating and they're reaping all the benefits of being catered to*.

When that happens we end up having our value and self-esteem undermined while theirs is boosted, validated and affirmed. That only exacerbates the power imbalances and further erodes the relationship and our ability to build healthy, trusting connections.

*Contrary to popular belief, neurodivergent people spend their lives and a great deal of energy accommodating neurotypical people - not the other way around. The fairly recent, mostly tokenistic attempts to make spaces and cultures more 'ND-friendly' can't even hold a faint candle to the insane pretzels ND people have had to twist ourselves into for decades trying to 'fit in' and be accepted into a world which still caters almost exclusively to able-bodied, white, straight, cisgender, affluent, educated, neurotypical people.

So, to answer your question - be yourself, and in this way you will find your people.

Authenticity is the only way to build authentic relationships and connections.

If there are people in our lives who don't understand us and who treat our interests and our personalities as 'a problem', that's a problem that both sides need to address. We need to self-examine and make sure we are making space for the other person to express themselves, but they also need to do the same for us.

Balance is found by working together toward a common goal - a genuine connection between two people. Make sure that you both share that goal. Communicate your needs and ask them to share what their needs are as well.

Our needs matter.

Don't let them go unnoticed, unacknowledged and unmet. Not by you or anyone else.

We're all in fandom, we're all familiar with the concept of 'the confession'. This is actually an important concept in all relationships, not just romantic ones. Because in ALL relationships, being yourself is the ultimate act of love.

Just like a love confession, it requires vulnerability, trust and a desire to connect. When we reach out to someone to share some part of who we are inside, we are initiating a connection with that person and giving them the gift of our authentic self.

If they are unable or unwilling to accept that and meet us where we are, then they are probably not the right person for us to connect with, or else they aren't yet ready to connect.

That can be painful and can feel like a form of rejection, but I try to take those things as useful information, and treat my personality as a friend filter. Those who are put off by me aren't the right people for me to try to be close to. I want to surround myself with people who are able to be real with me and accept me and celebrate me for who I am (and vice versa).

Special interests are a big part of that, because they become so central in our lives. If we have people close to us who can't make space for us and our special interests in some way, then we will end up feeling lonely and invisible. That becomes even worse when we are shamed and ridiculed for our interests.

I go back to what I said before - our needs matter. If we work toward having truly reciprocal, equitable relationships where both people's needs are being met, we will be happier overall.

Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication is a great place to start on that project.

Trust is hard. I am naive and trusting to a fault, and I have to lean heavily at times on others who have my best interests in mind, or else I end up being bullied or taken advantage of.

If you're struggling with that, I urge you to find someone you can truly trust (preferably multiple people) - such as a close friend or family member who has proved to truly have your best interests at heart, or if you can't find that, a therapist who understands your needs and vulnerabilities and can be a support and a sounding board - and get their help and advice in situations you're uncertain about.

If you can't find a therapist and you have no close people you trust, there are many online communities and groups where you can find like-minded people to bounce these things off of.

Most importantly, always remember that everything we say, do and think can only ever be a reflection of ourselves, our values, and what's in our hearts and minds. It can never be about anyone else.

If people treat you badly it's not because you're bad, it's because they are.

(or rather, because they're unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited, in a dark place, self-focused to a fault, etc. etc. but that doesn't make as memorable a sound bite)

Don't let unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited people, etc., etc. teach you to think or feel badly about yourself. Understand that hurtful criticism is about the other person and their expectations, values and attitudes, not about you.

Exercise healthy boundaries. Understand where the other person ends and where you begin, and refuse to take on things that aren't part of who you are. Ask yourself, "Do I truly agree with what this person is saying?"

Is what the other person claims true, fair, honest, and said in the spirit of compassion and connection, or was it said in a judgmental, self-absorbed (focusing on their needs at the exclusion of your own), punitive way? Are they trying to connect with you or are they trying to control or change you?

We can often have a tendency to hear criticism - particularly from those who we look up to or want to have a connection with - as truth being served to us by someone who sees something in us, when in most cases other people's criticism truly has nothing to do with us. It's about the other person and what they want.

This tendency to gobble up negative messages from others ties in with the nearly universal experience of imposter feelings - the idea that deep down inside we are unworthy, a fraud and an imposter, and it's only a matter of time before others will find us out and condemn us. This is another feature of dominance culture.

People are much more attuned to negative messages than to positive ones because of the deep, secret fear that we are bad. Which is so tragic, because the people who know us best and have our best interests in mind are the loving voices we tend to dismiss, while the mean-spirited messages from hurtful people are taken to heart.

But as I said before, their criticism has less to do with us and much, much more to do with who they are and what they want.

And what they want might not be right for us, so we should be cautious and considered in how we handle it. We need to unpack and examine it, and only take in what feels fair and helpful and can enrich our lives and lead to growth.

I know I say this a lot, but we should never let anyone else tell us who we are. We are the only experts on ourselves. If we are self-examined, honest and personally accountable, and if we are doing our best and acting in good faith, that is all anyone can ask of us.

So as I see it, you are dealing with two separate issues:

The internalized belief that you are 'too much' for neurotypical people to want to be around.

Issues around trust in relationships.

Recognizing these as two separate issues and reflecting on them as such might help a lot.

The first is an issue of self-acceptance. Only by looking at yourself as worthy and valuable and interesting can you go out into the world and take your place in relationships as an equal who has something appropriate to contribute rather than approaching it as though you are a burden.

Only by championing your own needs, traits and beautiful qualities as every bit as valid and important as the needs, traits and qualities of those around you will you find a balance and build relationships where you are appreciated and valued.

The second issue is something that takes time, but building trust means taking risks - there's no way around it.

Don't take other people's disappointing behavior personally. When we test the waters to see if someone is worthy of our trust and they show us they aren't - that's useful information about our incompatibilities with that person. It doesn't say anything about our selves, or about our worth as humans. All it tells us is that we are going to have to look elsewhere to find the right connection.

Long-winded and meandery, but I have a lot of thoughts on these topics because they're issues I've grappled with a lot in my life. I hope any of it is helpful, Anon. And I hope you find ways to be comfortable sharing more of yourself with others who can accept you and celebrate you for who you are.

I talked in more detail about conformity, acceptance and dealing with people who ridicule our interests/fandom here.

I talked more about dealing with issues around autism here.

EDIT: A couple of follow-up posts

About the limitations and barriers some people face with building in-person connections

Further tips and reading on self-esteem

#personal #autism is my botox #ask

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meowzahzzz · 2 years

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since according to the q&a, dhmis has no real meaning or conspiracy/theory attached to it, here is my interpretation of the webseries since day 1 bc i feel so validated

dhmis has always felt like a critique of children’s media. it’s inspirations very clearly take after kids shows, typically those at very young children who need to learn concepts like time and creativity.

i would also say it’s a critique of the values we teach our children. in the first episode of the youtube series, the characters are taught about creativity and how it’s about expressing yourself. one would assume, correctly, that creativity and one’s expression is never “wrong”. but when yellow guy says he likes green, or something to that degree, the sketchbook (our teacher) says that green isn’t creative. there’s no rhyme or reason to it; it’s not creative just because they said so. they strip away that part of yellow guy’s creativity for no real reason, they invalidate the entire point of their lesson then and there.

it says something about what we teach to our children when we don’t uphold the values we’re giving them.

the same goes for the love episode. yellow guy is taught that love exists but there are rules and strictures, and everything has to be a certain way. only a man and a woman can be in love, you can only love if you have this or that. love, itself, is abstract and nuanced, but is portrayed strictly for the sake of a very obvious cishet agenda that much of the media uses to silence and hide the existence of gay people. this is something we see a lot of media in general, not just kid’s media, but there’s always been this hesitance to even imply gay people exist to children---some find it better to water down love and simplify it to the extreme than to acknowledge the vastness of the concept at all. that’s just what i feel this episode in particular is criticizing/acknowledging, and how toxic something like that can very easily become over time.

and again, we have the food/healthy eating episode. what the teachers say is healthy versus what isn’t is extremely inconsistent. we can, of course, see a correlation with this and a lot of research done with food and its health benefits and drawbacks. in the U.S. at least, many companies have villainized fat and made it the cause of being fat. however, actual research shows that it’s sugar, not fat. yet we’re constantly bombarded with so much information at once, that what we know about food and health is very inconsistent. and i could say the same about the needed calories one takes a day, how it’s hardly a bare minimum and much of the research done is extremely biased. and when that’s in the adult world, it leaks into the world of children as well. when adults are our teachers, we rely on them to teach us correctly. we’re told to eat this and not that, but suddenly it’s the other way around. we’re taught some food is even bad, that maybe even eating it makes you bad. if there’s ever been a question as to why so many kids are vulnerable to eating disorders, it’s the lack of consistency in food information, the way we teach kids about food, and our bias against anything that isn’t the beauty standard norm.

there’s also the family episode, the work episode, etc, etc. but i think you get my point by now. it’s a critique of not just what we teach children, but how we teach children. we are their teachers, and so much of what we teach them will impact them majorly. we cannot afford to teach them poorly, yet in so many cases, we do just that to reach our specific goals. whether it’s for money or for religion (cough cough christianity and its other siblings) or whatever else, children are just another means to an end. and when they’re just a means to an end, what we do to them doesn’t matter.

and when they don’t matter, we aren’t teaching them as much as we are enforcing a response.

sketchbook didn’t make the three characters more creative, did they? they simply did what sketchbook considered to be creative, or at the very least, what they thought being creative was. they didn’t learn anything about actual self-expression or what creativity means to them. yellow guy wasn’t actually taught about love, how to love others and himself, he was taught to sit and shut up and follow the “rules” of love, even when he didn’t like it. and again, yellow didn’t learn anything about nutrition in the food episode. he was told to eat whatever they gave him, and because they’re the teachers, the ones with power in this dynamic, he did it.

and when you fall out of line, and you don’t do exactly what you’re told (ie. red guy, duck guy), you’re punished. you’re isolated, you’re left out, whatever it is... that’s meant to teach you that when you’re not sitting down and taking whatever you’re given---you’re a bad student. you’re not learning at all. you’re dysfunctional.

all in all, i have always believed that dhmis, the webseries was a critique at children’s media, as well as the values we teach them and our hypocrisy regarding these values. we can directly see that these lessons are distressing to its students, and the teachers don’t care so long as they don’t fall out of line. the goal, it seems, is obedience: do it because i said so, not because of what it means. this is why red guy is gone and why when duck guy tries to fight back, he’s ultimately discarded. and of course it’s distressing, but the students were never the focus, so why should they (the teachers) even care? the goal is obedience. no matter the lesson, no matter how traumatizing it is, no matter how much is destroys us and each other.

#dhmis spoilers #i mentioned the q&a so i just wanna be safe lol #analysis

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always-andromeda · 1 year

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Meda!! i am in TEARS!!!!!!! your response to my last ask was so so so so so nice and I am giving you the biggest, warmest hug!!!!! we are definitely bunkmates at summer camp!!!!!!! I'll be the weird kid who's always sharing strange, niche, and macabre historical facts lol 😅 but I'll make up for it by making yummy treats bc I love baking ☺️

(putting a cut here bc this got long - sorry😅)

and you think about me sometimes???? 🥹🥹🥹🥹 I am so SOFT 🥹🥹🥹🥹 as you said, I know we're internet friends who have never met, but I think about you as well and send you good vibes always!! sometimes I'll see something I think you'd like - like a Pedro Pascal meme or something - and I'll think to myself, "oh, Meda would like this!" 💙

and huge congrats on finishing up the semester!! and my goodness I totally get you about feeling kinda worthless if there's nothing academic to validate my existence 😅 I wish I could give you some words of encouragement with that, but honestly it's something I'm still unpacking with my therapist and trying to work through myself. but I think I can offer this if it's of any help: since I don't know you in an academic context (I don't know what classes you take, what grades you get, etc.) I can tell you that you have so much value outside of academics. your writing is incredible, and you are such a kind, welcoming, warm person. I am so lucky to know you (even if only virtually) and you bring such light to everyone with whom you interact. while I know that academics/the grading system can really fuck with your sense of self and self-worth, just know that you are a whole and complete person outside of those things, and you are valued, appreciated, and loved for all the wonderful and unique things you bring just by being yourself. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

and I also brought stickers!! I didn't have all the animals you mentioned, so I threw in a few others that I thought were really cute (and a red panda bc they're my favorite ☺️). since you're already done with your semester, they can be celebration stickers!!

and thank you so much for the well-wishes on my MA and for the summer! I'll be applying to phd programs in the fall so I'll be researching and reaching out to profs over the summer (pray for me 😬). but I do hope to have some time to just relax and make edits and write. oh and we're getting a new puppy in June!!! I will be sure to send photos!!

I also wish you rest when you need it and creative inspiration when you want it this summer!!

I'll be over here in my bunk at summer camp, so reach out absolutely any time! 🥰

sending you love, hugs, and all things good,

charlotte 🎨

Of course I think about ya!! It's little things that remind me so much of you. Like I have these vintage style flower stickers I use pretty often to decorate things and they remind me entirely of you. And almost every time I hear a Taylor Swift song it makes me think of you too!!

And oh gosh, you're talking to a person who, as a kid, was massively hyperfixated on learning everything I possibly could about the Titanic, the Kennedy assassinations, and like every true crime case I'd learn about on TV. So we would definitely be the weird summer camp kids together, just swapping our weird little fun facts and treats with each other (because I'm also a huge baker)!!

(I'm also adding a cut here because whOO so many paragraphs of things for me to say)

That entire paragraph you left...is so affirming and so lovely and I just– I have no words to express how wonderful it was to read that. Thank you. I also feel incredibly lucky to know a person like you with such a massively generous and kind heart and a vastly wonderful taste in the arts. And I can say that even just through my computer screen, you bring me so much joy, so I can assure you that to the people who get to interact with you in real life? You must absolutely radiate pure light.

Maybe you can relate a little bit to this? But growing up, the only thing that I was ever really taught to value about myself was how I was doing in school. I was taught to always prioritize productivity. So now as an adult, it's so hard to justify giving myself breaks and just letting myself find peace and happiness in the quiet. These are all things I'm working on in therapy, and the approach that my therapist has given me is just like...viewing myself as a stranger.

Because if I were looking at any other person who does the things I do and is the kind of person I try to be...I would love them. I would do everything in my power to support them and make them feel as loved and valued and cared for as possible. It's a little bit easier to give myself kindness with that level of removal there. Maybe that's helpful to you, maybe it isn't!! Either way, I thought I'd share it. 💞

AND OKAY MASSIVE TONE SHIFT BUT OH MY GOODNESS CHARLOTTE THOSE STICKERS ARE ALL THE ABSOLUTE CUTEST THINGS EVER. GOSH THOSE MADE ME SMILE SO BIG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Thank you so much for the celebration stickers and gosh, next time I find some adorable stickers, I'll have to send them to you as well!! Just to spread the sticker love around!! 🥰

Goodness gracious, wishing you the absolute best with your academic pursuits this summer!! And I'd just love to see pictures of your puppy when you get them!! Very much looking forward to what this summer brings for both of us, bunkmate. I'm sending all of your hugs and thoughts of love and support right back at ya!! 💞✨

#˚ʚ ask meda ɞ˚#charlotte 🎨

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mimzy-writing-online · 3 years

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Hello. I had a question regarding your post about blind characters. I have a character in my WIP that must cover their eyes.. but it’s blind. He may need to tell people he is blind to explain why he covers his eyes though. I was wondering how I might write this character without offending. Thank you :)

I think I want to start by explaining the “covering blind eyes” trope and why it has become a harmful trope. I think understanding why it’s hurtful helps everyone learn how to handle it better.

I would guess that the “blind people wear sunglasses” trope comes from Hollywood for the specific reason of 1. wanting to signal to the audience that the character is obviously blind and 2. avoid breaking the suspension of disbelief by preventing the audience from catching the sighted actor look at visual stimuli (because disabled characters are almost always played by able actors).

But this changed the way the public expects to experience blindness. If watching a sighted actor wear sunglasses and say he’s blind is all the exposure to the blind community a person has had, that’s the only model of blindness they’ll recognize. If they meet a blind person in real life who doesn’t wear sunglasses, it’s going to break this built perception and cause an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance.

And then there is the common “cloudy-white blank gaze” that pops up in media. It stems from the fact that cataracts is the most common cause of blindness and the appearance of severe cataracts is a cloudy film in the eyes obscuring the iris and pupil. It can also alter what color a person’s eyes appears to be, making them appear paler and grey in the beginning and then as the cataract advances it becomes more yellow/brown and alters a person’s vision to appear more yellow tinted.

There are lots of other eye conditions that makes the eyes look visibly different. Albinism for instance affects the color and structure of the iris. Eyes might be congenitally misshapen. The muscles might be weak or not work and one or both eyes point significantly outward. Someone who was born blind and experienced no visual stimuli might also have weak muscles around their eyes because they never had a reason to focus their eyes on anything.

And unfortunately humans have the habit of feeling uncomfortable when they meet someone who looks very obviously different from the norm, whether that’s a personal style choice (hair color and style, tattoos, clothing choices) or something they can’t help (a visible disability, skin color, scars).

To the paragraph above, @gothhabiba replied with: “it's very weird & ahistorical to claim that racism or ableism are some kind of natural "human" trait.. like frankly it's apologia”

You’re right, I wasn’t thinking beyond that generalization or assumption.

Perhaps a better way to put it is: I was raised in a society where I was taught from childhood to think that there was only one kind of human being to be. White, cis, straight, abled, conservative. That’s a very western thing and that’s a thing I’m going to constantly be unlearning.

Racism and ableism and homophobia aren’t innate, that’s a western thing that was forced onto the rest of the world by colonialism. And because western media created this idea that the world is white, abled, cis, straight, and Christian-value leaning, it taught people to think that was the norm so that seeing someone different from that archetype would cause a cognitive dissonance, which causes discomfort.

And instead of working past that cognitive dissonance to learn more and realize there’s so much more to life than media taught you, society encourages you to ignore that cognitive dissonance by sticking your head in the sand-- or TV screen.

So combine these two tropes or common beliefs together and you get something a little dangerous: the idea that blind people cover their eyes because they look obviously different and they’re ashamed (or should be ashamed) of that.

And if you’re someone who’s just gone blind or who was born blind and you have little to no contact with the blind community, then this societal belief that you should be ashamed of how your eyes look becomes detrimental to your self-esteem and further builds internalized ableism.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read or watched a blind character cover their eyes with sunglasses because they were ashamed of how their eyes looked. And I distinctly remember a few times where a sighted friend of the character was trying to convince them to stop wearing sunglasses because there’s nothing wrong with looking different--which is true, but it plays into this fantasy of being the perfect abled ally who saves the blind character from being miserable.

In an ideal world, the character has no reason to believe looking different is a bad thing or diminishes their worth or makes people dislike them. And if they develop this belief, it’s more likely that someone more involved in the disabled community, most likely someone disabled themselves, will set them straight. Or that the character will learn to accept themselves on their own, looks included.

But there are some perfectly valid reasons for any blind person to wear sunglasses. They might have an interest in fashion and sunglasses complete the look they’re going for. They could want to protect their eyes from UV rays while they’re outside. They may experience light sensitivity and sunglasses reduces any discomfort or pain. Those are incredibly common reasons to wear sunglasses whether you’re sighted or blind.

But there are some more complicated situations.

In your words, your character must cover his eyes. You never specified why, so my primary guess is that he has some kind of power that is unpleasant or has devastating affects and the only way to prevent it is to keep his eyes covered. My primary guess stems from this post where an anon and I discussed a retelling of Medusa, a hypothetical blinding of oneself to avoid ever killing anyone ever again, and what I think I would do if I was in that scenario.

So how do you write a blind character who must cover their eyes and avoid some of the complications?

1. Your character must always have the ability to say “fuck off, it’s my business, I don’t have to tell you why I’m blind or why I cover my eyes.”

Most blind people really, really don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of why they’re blind and how they feel about it and what it’s like being blind with a stranger they’ll never see again or a new acquaintance they don’t know well yet. You have exceptions to that rule where sure, educating the public about blindness is a thing you want to do and you’re committed to helping your community, but I still have days where I don’t want to talk about being blind or disclose my medical crap.

And if someone doesn’t respect their right to their privacy or pushes too much, the blind character is allowed to be angry, is allowed to tell them off and complain without anyone else in the situation vilifying them or saying they’re “overreacting” and “should have just disclosed private information because big deal or whatever.” If they are angry, that’s their right, and it’s not unreasonable, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

2. Your character should not be ashamed of being blind or of covering their eyes. It is a part of their life, they’re used to it by now, even if they weren’t in the beginning.

The shame and internalized ableism is something that should be written about, but that’s for an own-voices story with a blind author. I don’t think an abled person will ever be able to understand how much society expects you to hate yourself and your disability because “being disabled is a tragic thing that ruins your life” and how that does affect your mental health, self esteem, your relationships with others, your medical care, and what kind of accommodations you can get.

3. It wouldn’t hurt to have a few sarcastic lines in response to uncomfortable conversations.

Stranger: so what’s with the...

Blind Character: what’s with what?

S: the... you know

BC: you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific

S: Your eyes?

BC: They’re... eyes

S: but you’re...

BC: Blind?

S: uh...

BC: yeah, I’m blind. *walks away*

Or this conversation:

S: *to some other character* so why are his eyes covered?

(author’s note: which, honestly, that’s fucking rude. At least have the guts to ask me yourself)

BC: If I look anyone in the eye they instantly perish.

*awkward silence*

BC: instantly.

Friend: It’s truly tragic

BC: *melancholic* that’s how I lost my sister. *chokes up* She was so young

Or this conversation:

S: Why are you wearing that?

BC: It’s called fashion Karen!

Or this conversation:

S: are you like... blind?

BC: yes?? why wouldn’t I be?? Wait, are you sighted? Are you one of those sighted people? You poor thing! What caused you to gain your sight? Do you have a car? A bike? Were you born sighted? What’s it like to see color? Do you miss not having to see

God, I want a chance to try that last one. I haven’t interacted with a stranger in almost a year. One day...

4. Honestly, it’d also be cool if someone’s reaction to your character covering their eyes was like, “cool sunglasses,” or “cool *insert random character, even one you made up* cosplay,” (which is ten times funnier if this character is a notable figure in modern society like an actor who people might cosplay).

5. You know, if he’s covering his eyes with some kind of blindfold, he should totally have custom blindfolds for his moods. Like, I have a mask that says “suck it up buttercup” and another that says “not today” because sometimes that’s the mood. And sometimes the mood is one of my floral masks, and sometimes the mood is my cat mask.

So, just some thoughts. I hope that helps.

Edit: a commenter said: “op, unless i'm mistaken this kind of reads like anon meant the character ISN'T blind but lies about being blind to explain covering their eyes? it seems like they made a typo on the word "isn't"”

So my original response to the question was based on the assumption that the character is blind. However,

If the character is not blind, then do not under any circumstances have them lie and say they’re blind to escape a mild inconvenience.

It’s better to have the character actually explain the situation or straight up leave the conversation or invent a more ridiculous lie than to perpetuate the very real stereotype and misconception that there are people who fake being blind and therefore it’s okay to discriminate or harass them if you even suspect they’re faking.

Do not under any circumstances perpetuate that stereotype. Do not harass someone because you don’t think they’re blind enough.

#blind character #writeblr #writing community #disabled character #writing tropes #trope talk #blindness tropes #Anonymous

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oldshrewsburyian · 3 years

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Hello!! It's the anon from a while ago (about failing diss/half a page CV), I'm sorry it's taken me a while but I was trying to get hold of my thoughts there for a while. I was wondering if you could tell me a slight bit about how to research/find stuff that would let me to stay in touch with academia.

I know you said that my prof said that BC they think I would be happier in a different subject but I just. I know I won't. I have seen myself work with this subject and I'm so focused, so driven and I would trade the world for this. (But I didn't do my undergrad in the same subject as I did my master's in and we never had to write essays so when it came to that, everything kept falling apart and I kept trying to reach out to my profs about how I don't think I know how to write or read critically or if I am doing something wrong BC I sure feel like it and they kept ignoring it and my supervisor went kept saying, it's a great topic you've written good stuff and I was convinced that I hadn't because the comments suggested otherwise and I. I am trying very hard BC I want to do this and I know it's not going to be easy BC it's a whole different world but no one would help me and i know as a master's student, no one spoon feeds you but I just wanted to know how to do things right yknow? I have seen people do it and it's vvv different than what mine feels like, mine always feels a whole lot...trivial? And I wanted to know how to add/find depth and no one would tell me. I know where I lack and I know what to improve on and what I am good at, I just want someone to guide me a little but all my professors are either unwilling or think I don't lack what I think I do and it just...feels very unfair)

I'm sorry you had to read thru all of that but I was rly hoping for some advice on research, if you want to. (No pressure, ofcourse). Also, it's a long shot but as usual my professors aren't replying so I was wondering if you could tell me if it's possible to do a PhD from a good institution after getting um like 50% in your master's. Because in a couple of years when I'm better, I want to do that.

Thank you so much!! For listening and being here!!

(also I could come off anon for the research advice if that's going to be better!!)

Dear Anon,

I confess that I find this a self-contradictory message of yours. But I will do my best to respond helpfully.

Firstly, I do not understand how you can say that you would "trade the world" to work in your chosen subject, and also say that you do not know how to do research in it. Clearly you have done research in it. I presume that you have also talked to research librarians for help, and perhaps pursued independent reading based on the bibliographies of the monographs on which you've built your own thesis. If not, those are fairly obvious places to start.

Secondly, you say that your professors are "unwilling" to guide you. It sounds to me as though they are guiding you, but you don't want to listen, because you think they are either mistaken or lying to you. Your graduate supervisor has said that the scope of your topic and your handling of it are both good. This is high praise. That you are "convinced otherwise" because you got detailed feedback on your argument is irrelevant to the actual quality of your work.

You say that "no one would help you" but you also seem to describe a scenario in which you send emails saying you are anxious about your own reading and writing skills. Any graduate seminar is designed to help you practice and hone skills in graduate-level reading, analysis, and writing. My impression is that your M.A. was a taught degree, with coursework. So your professors are thus trying to help you improve those skills through their guidance in discussion and their often-detailed feedback on essays.

You say that you know that graduate work is different from undergraduate work, but you don't seem to have internalized this. There is no single way to "do things right" which you need to unlock via complicated quests or a correctly-worded email. (This is, by the way, equally true for undergraduate work.) You bewail that no one would tell you how to add/find depth... but also say that your supervisor told you that your argument and its scope were good. I'm not sure why you remain so convinced of the contrary. I'm not sure what kind of suggestions you were looking for but felt cheated of, and I'm not sure how to advise you on that particular question, because I can easily imagine circumstances in which professors would decline to offer you specific suggestions because the very practice of finding resources and assessing their value and relevance is also a graduate-level skill you need to practice! I do understand your frustration, and I think there are also lots of times when offering graduate students "starter kits" and specific research suggestions can be helpful and constructive. But there are other times when you've been put on your own for valid pedagogical reasons.

You say that you "know where [you] lack," what you are good at, and what to improve on. Your professors may, in fact, have a better idea of this than you do. I say this because this is kind of their job. Certainly my professors knew better than I did when I was an M.A. student. Because they were good and dedicated pedagogues, they told me this in no uncertain terms, of praise, censure, and suggestions for improvement and additional possibilities. All of the above can be constructive feedback. I know that that can feel shocking if you had an undergraduate experience of earning high marks and fulsome praise fairly consistently. One of the luxuries of graduate school is getting more, and more detailed, feedback on your work. And as one of my most beloved professors terrified a roomful of M.A. students by saying on our first day: we were all the smartest kids in the room in undergrad, and now we were all sitting at the same table.

I still have no idea what your subject is, so beyond the general suggestions I offered above, I can't offer you advice on research. But I will advise you to take your supervisor's expertise and encouragement of your work seriously. I say this based on my own experience of finding that some of my M.A. students (like nearly all of my undergraduates) still have wildly exaggerated/inaccurate ideas of what it is possible or constructive to undertake in a semester- or year-long project. Keeping your focus and scope comparatively tight is very often a good thing.

Is it possible to go on to a Ph.D. after a rocky M.A. experience and transcript? Sure. By all means, read widely and advocate for yourself. You might consider asking currently-enrolled Ph.D. students in your desired programs for advice. Also: take seriously the advice of experts. And in the meantime, I reiterate my advice on enjoying a year or so cultivating life and relationships outside academe.

Yrs,

Spinster Aunt of Tumblr

#gradblr #asks and answers #spinster aunt of tumblr

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dictee · 3 years

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🔥 wei wuxian and rgu (in general)!

- wei wuxian: my beloved! ok first of all unpopular opinions r so easy with the untamed bc so much of the fanbase opinions r so fucking stupid lol but. he is canonically a genius. hes so smart!!!! and so deeply compassionate . he has a lot in common with flint black sails specifically s3-4 flint after he has met the maroons like he cares about people outside of the framework of the entire cultivator world he was raised in, which puts value on wealth and power and birth. and i really despise the characterization of him as like . totally oblivious bc even emotionally hes very aware of how his actions affect others. i feel like ppl tend to be either critical of him in a way that makes no sense (like saying he was selfish and uncaring for saving the wens in literally the only way he could) OR they claim to love him without rlly understanding where he is coming from. like there is a strong tendency to mistake his devotion for a lack of self esteem. which is crazy bc it's like yeah wwx is depressed as hell and doesn't value his own life but it's not because he thinks he's unlovable it's bc he has been brought up as a semi-servant in his own home taught that the only valid expression of his love for his siblings is servitude which of course translates to sacrifice. and then his character is just treated as a punching bag/projection board especially for white people who treat being lgbt and mentally ill as personality traits. ALSO u know i love lwj but lwj and wei wuxian's romantic relationship is EXTREMELY secondary to the themes of hierarchy, narrative, and power, and to his relationship with his siblings and the wen siblings. (in the show to be clear. all other forms r dead to me)

-rgu: hmm idk if this is unpopular but i hate hate hate seeing people engage w it on a surface level where it's like. ooh sword lesbians theyre in love when it's like . well first of all utena is about breaking free of cycles of abuse and exploitation and imagining a future outside of those totalizing narratives. and the whole point of the show is that utena CANNOT and should not be anthy's prince bc those roles and the power they carry cannot coexist with genuine love. when james baldwin said I use the word ‘love’ here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace—not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth, and when ursula k leguin said love doesnt just sit there like a stone it has to be made like bread remade all the time made new! in a lot of ways rgu is a direct rejection of romance and the idea of like true destined love that permeates so much of our ideas about relationships

#i have so many cql opinions lmaoo #thank u ari <3333333 #ask games

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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oh my god im sorry but i HATE reading analysis discourse so fuckgin much. its so annoying and unnecessary and cruel bc per usual ableists just Scream over everyone and manipulate the view by focusing on the wrong points. disrespect towards this issue is never gonna work and yall would get that if you actually listened to the way the (usually nd) people felt about it and why, but ur too busy mocking them so you look good for consuming the Proper Medias tm. i mean you literally have to know this isnt productive, yall keep going bc you get a kick out of laughing at ‘unintelligent’ people.

‘uu ur teachers didnt oppress u by making u read to kill a mockingbird instead of the hunger games” ok listen 1. media you dont personally care abt can still definitely hold depthful value and be analyzed. oh my god lmao. the people who prefer ~that kind~ of media arent stupid and dont prefer easy thinking, its your own fault for Not looking into it yourself and just assuming its worthless, literally judging a book by its cover. LITERALLY avoiding the analysis skills you claim to have by assuming anything you read in highschool = smart, valuable and anything mainstream = stupid and useless. most books inherently contain symbolism and morals, a lot of these people CAN understand it, theyre just criticizing the inaccessibility of the writing that was forced on them academically. the people analyzing those medias instead of your favs are still taking in lessons even if they prefer to do it in a different format, i mean for instance THG is literally about fucking classism and racism and war you dumb hypocritical tunnel vision bitch, young adult media usually has a Lot of real world parallels in it that very much pertains to how teens see the world, thats the literal POINT, just cuz ur too elitist and dont respect children enough doesnt mean some books are ‘too stupid’ to analyze with any real social value, and 2. A BOOK NOT BEING EXCITING... OR EASY TO UNDERSTAND... IS LITERALLY SMTH VALID TO CRITICIZE IN MANY CASES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE GIVING IT TO CHILDREN.... if a kid says “this is boring/too long/uses words that i dont know, so i cant make any sense of it” that doesnt always mean theyre lazy or w/e, if its not a book made for kids (bc kids can understand mature themes but that doesnt. mean you can just throw all the other skills they arent experienced with yet at them, they still need writing tailored to them), Thats your first problem, but sometimes ur book is just fucking boring all together. a book can have as much symbolism as it wants, if its not there to open the mind and provide necessary depth, but to feel self important and make you feel self important for getting it, thats not a good book. and with books i do respect now like TKAM i remember outright saying, “i literally cannot read this and dont get it at all” at like 10 yrs old, and my teachers didnt do shit to explain it or help me or give me any skills at all, they were just like. :) keep trying!! according to your scores we know you can do it!!! so, i did not keep trying, i gave up, and i guarantee if it had been a few years later it would have been easier. if i had been given the opportunity to read stories with similar morals that were made for my age range that i WANTED to read, i guarantee i wouldve gotten so much more out of that. but i was literally DISALLOWED, bro if i grabbed a book that actually interested me, i was told i couldnt check it out at ALL unless it was in the ‘range’ i was assigned, which was college level since i was in 4th grade. so if you think i shouldve kept reading, im being unironic rn, you need to go get a degree, become a teacher, and if a kid or teen says to you what i said, sit them down and TEACH THEM without shame, and fight for better regulations of what reading levels can be pushed on what age groups. if lit analysis is this important to you, FUCKING TEACH IT PROPERLY, that is literally the ONLY REAL SOLUTION to the problem you have, NOT SHAMING the people who were ALREADY FAILED BY THE SYSTEM.

the problem is not ‘idiots think symbolism is stupid’ the problem has ALWAYS been ‘the education system is flawed and how and when children are taught certain skills is so corrupted and damaging, the children growing up with it cannot Help but struggle later in life, and your issue should be with the system”. like can i be real. learn how to Emotionally ~analyze~ posts from sad kids with mental illnesses saying smth as basic as “i wish i wasnt forced to read mature books as a child without any themes pertaining to me at all bc it hurt my already fragile motivations for learning :/” without your ass getting defensive over the classics. bitches stan ‘the door is red to symbolize anger’ but think thg is just a stupid dystopia love triangle book................ ur not even that smart like yall are just elitist like LITERALLY just elitist if you mock the values ppl see in other books and claim theyre too stupid to understand ~real books~. a fucking mickey mouse cartoon could hold the exact same moral lesson as a 1200 page novel written by a college professor of 30 years, like the Exact Same Conclusions CAN be drawn no matter how many words and analogies and metaphors are thrown on top!! for many those fancy details make it more enriching but its literally possible to get the same concepts from “EASIER” material, that is not Lesser it is ACCESSIBLE and it should be ENCOURAGED all the same. yall are gatekeeping and its stupid, if you actually want ppl to analyze media then you’d applaud how they analyze their passions even when you dont share it, not shame them for struggling with understanding other stories. this rly boils down to either ‘i hate ppls preferences and wanna make them feel stupid’ OR the ever so lovely ‘i hate whiny disabled ppl and kids who were pressured to the point of burnout, and wanna make them feel stupid’. its fucking exhausting. idc how you guys feel, you talk to hear yourselves talk and its all just talk and nothing helpful, your disrespect doesnt work bc its an echo of the root problem. for gods sake shut up already lmao

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dontforgetthedragon · 4 years

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vaguely remembered the one post about how the show makes viewers amenable to the idea of zuko’s redemption from the start, so now im finally watching through atla for the first time i decided to try and note down every time the show does this that i pick up on

Book 1

zuko is always placed alongside iroh, who is naturally very likeable

as early as ep3 zuko is pitted against zhao, who is highly unlikeable. as such, the audience is already being encouraged to root for zuko in certain situations

it is also through these early interactions that we first get a real good look at zuko’s need to have his honour validated with his vulnerable “did you really mean that?” to iroh after he tells zhao that zuko is more honourable than him. this is a much more sympathetic way to communicate this than the angry shouting about his honour he also does

in ep7 we are given our first example of zuko chosing to delay his quest for the avatar for the sake of someone else. in this case, he rescues iroh from his captors, giving aang time to leave for the fire temple

this is also in direct contradiction to his earlier threats to leave iroh behind if he didnt hurry up because catching the avatar was too important to delay. thus this moment also communicates that zuko may be more bark than bite, and that maybe he doesnt rank catching aang as highly on his list of priorities as he talks like he does

the zhao-zuko dynamic returns in the fire temple, when zuko is seen tied up along with katara, sokka etc, while zhao lords it over all of them. thus subconciously we may perceive zuko as temporarily on the gaang’s side through a common enemy

ep12 is of course the big backstory episode for both zuko and aang and the way we are shown both stories interwoven with each other connects the characters and makes us more likely to feel similar amounts of sympathy for both. the visuals also really help with this, eg: the fire nation crew’s can fire transitioning into aang and katara’s campfire

and that shared look as aang and zuko catch sight of each other in the eye of the storm as aang’s flying away? really cemented that feeling of connection

zuko’s backstory also completely recontextualises his scar as a mark of his compassion towards the common people of his nation, and his insistence in the worth of lives

despite his loud assertions that no life is more important than catching the avatar, zuko makes the concious choice once more to let aang go for the sake of others – in this case, his crew – thus solidifying what we learned in ep7

and just in case that was too subtle for some, we also get to see zuko risk his own life actively saving a crew member from certain death. yknow, just to hammer the point home that zuko values other peoples’ lives way more than he’s been actively taught he should

just one episode later we get that little friendship speech aang gives zuko while he’s still waking up after being hit by a drugged arrow. from this we see that aang doesnt want zuko to be his enemy.

we can also infer from their location at this point that aang carried/dragged zuko to safety after discovering his identity either bc he didnt want zhao to find out it was zuko who orchestrated the rescue or he really just wanted to talk to him that badly

interestingly enough i think this also counts as the first real step back, what with zuko’s response and aang’s sad “i guess not”

zhao’s underhand attempted murder of zuko has us rooting for zuko’s survival, as well as bc we hate zhao and dont want his plans to succeed, especially since it comes not long after a very human moment on zuko’s ship

in fact, the fact that we’ve been shown so many human moments beteen zuko and iroh and their crew in contrast with a complete lack of anything like that from zhao all the way through the season makes us much more likely to be emotionally attached to zuko and his antics by this point. zhao hasnt given us anything to be fond of

the moment when iroh genuinely thinks zuko may be dead and you can see it on his face. as mentioned before, iroh is a very likeable character and anything that might hurt him this badly feels like an awful thing. ergo: zuko’s death = awful

iroh and zuko’s little moment of scheming aka the moment zuko’s survival is confirmed. i never thought i’d be so hyped to hear a plot to capture aang for themselves but i hate zhao so much at this point (for previously mentioned reasons plus extra) that if aang had to be captured id be much happier if it were by these two (also im assuming im supposed to be riding the high from finding out that the awful thing that is zuko’s death has not actually occurred)

“ever since i lost my son” “uncle, you dont have to say it” “i think of you as my own”

finally, when the water hand grabs zhao and despite everything zuko tries to save him. this is the guy who tried to have him killed and when it comes down to it zuko still tries to save his life. zhao refuses to be saved. this isnt an unusual trope for the climax of a piece of media but normally it would be the protagonist trying to save the antagonist to highlight the protagonists moral superiority, not one of the antagonists trying to save another antagonist. by placing zuko in the position usually reserved for the protagonist, the show implies zukos capacity to become one

#atla #avatar: tla #zuko #a:tla

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rylie-studies · 4 years

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i'm kind of sad bc my bf's dad had a fight over the phone with his wife and he was talking to my bf and said all women are the same, and then in case i was hearing he quetly told him that i'd be the same some day :( idk if i'm offended more for that generalisation or the that my bf said "i won't handle it like you do" bc my brain wants to make it sound like he won't care for me if i have a need. which is not true he always does! as for his dad, i know he's angry but i'm like meh -☀️

he is a great person btw we're actually living at his place and he covers my living expenses as well. i wanted to talk about this so my ocd brain wouldn't take it overboard so, that's why i told you! some times people get angry and then if they have a lot of black and white thinking, they will say stuff that might sound worse than it actually is! he's actually right imo to be so angry. anyway. just wanted to share bc i felt overwhelmed for a moment there, so thank you for listening! -☀️

also i'm sorry if i'm bothering you but it actually feels refreshing to share random stuff with someone i think is a nice non-judgemental person :) -☀️

also here's a question for you: what do you think is the most underrated daily thing you really enjoy?

hey sunshine!! i totally understand why you’d feel like that and it’s completely valid. thank you so much for telling me about this situation and how you felt about it and i’m so glad that you venting out to me can help you!! you’re absolutely right with that anger notion. if there’s anything i’ve learned from the past month and in my studies of buddhism, it really is that a lot of emotions we feel (especially anger, but also includes feelings like envy, greed, feeling the need to be defensive during arguments, etc) comes a lot from the ego and the ego’s need to always be right, to always get what it wants, and feeling offended when things don’t go the way it wants it to go. it’s definitely more in-depth than that, but that’s the essence of it that i can explain. anger is definitely a powerful emotion and can cloud a lot of peoples’ minds; in the buddha’s teachings, he teaches that, whenever you feel emotions, you have to observe your emotions first and then ask yourself, “why am i feeling this emotion? is the observer of this emotion [since he teaches that your emotions don’t define you and are just products of your experiences in life and the way that your senses reacts to things] also feeling angry?” and it’s really fascinating. sometimes, it’s still difficult to do that, but i find that when you start practicing it and really digging inward for the reasons, you can become a calmer and more mindful person and you also avoid all the guilt and suffering that you’ll feel after you react to that anger (by breaking something perhaps or yelling at your family). there’s a lot more to his philosophy, but i’ve been reading a lot of books and trying to practice it everyday and i really resonate with it well!!

also, you don’t have to apologize at all bcs you’re most definitely not bothering me! in fact, i love it so much when i see messages from you and also just random, unexpected messages from people bcs i get to see little glimpses of lives happening apart from mine and i think that’s really beautiful. we don’t really get to live other lives besides ours so having people talk a little bit about themselves and their lives is such a fresh breath of air!! so, please keep it up!! and yes, i’d like to say that i’m not a very judgmental person (i feel like, to some extent, everyone is a little bit judgmental bcs it’s just how we’ve been raised in this society and especially with the beliefs and values that we were taught growing up) and i’m very compassionate and empathetic with everyone!! when it comes to things, i like to consider all perspectives and not just my own bcs i think that’s super important to do bcs, otherwise, if i only paid attention to my perspective, i’ll always think that i’m right when, in fact, i am most definitely not bcs everyone perceives the universe differently and in a unique angle.

as for the most underrated daily thing that i enjoy, i’d say drinking water first thing in the morning!! i don’t know how many people do that everyday (i’d assume a lot, but i don’t know), but i’ve started drinking water first thing in the morning after i wake up and before i do anything else since maybe two years ago?? there was this period of time in my life when i hated drinking water and thought it was absolutely disgusting and, needless to say, i no longer think about that time anymore because, dude, how did i even make it through without water. i think i mainly drank juice or just anything with flavor. it was bad. i normally drink three liters of water everyday, but since i became sick two weeks ago (i’m feeling better now), i’ve only been able to drink two liters which isn’t bad but i’m gonna get back to drinking three soon!! maybe even tomorrow. i just need my body to adjust. anyways, that’s definitely an underrated thing that i enjoy!! i find that i can no longer start my day and function without having drank water first and i don’t even know how i functioned during those times when i didn’t drink water first thing in the morning like it’s so difficult to remember now because i’m so accustomed to it. i hope you’re having a lovely day, sweet angel!! i’m looking forward to hearing from you again soon!! 🤍✨

#anonymous #replies #sun anon #okay this is not related but like i'm highly in tune with synchronicities especially with numbers #and i always feel like it's the universe communicating with me #well my tumblr just a second ago literally was just 111111 like DUDE THATS SO LOUD UNIVERSE WHAT DO YOU WANT

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astorxa · 5 years

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Merlin’s beard, what is ( ASTORIA GREENGRASS ) doing out at this hour? For a ( PUREBLOOD ) who is ( 16 ) years old, ( SHE ) really ought to know better. You know, I hear that they’re aligned with ( THE NEUTRALS ), but that could be just a rumor. I do know that they’re ( QUESTIONING ) and a ( SLYTHERIN ) student though. They’re very ( + DIPLOMATIC ) and ( + INTELLIGENT ) but also quite ( - ALOOF ) and ( - OVERTHINKING ), which could be why they remind of ( USING DISTRACTIONS TO PASS THE TIME, SWEEPING YOUR HAND ACROSS A RACK OF EXPENSIVE DRESSES, THE YEARNING FOR MORE, A KNOWLEDGE UNQUENCHED ). Some people say they’re the spitting image of ( SYDNEY PARK ), but I’ve never heard of them.

CHARACTER INSPO: Astrid Leong ( Crazy Rich Asians ), Leila Keating ( All American ), Nancy Wheeler ( Stranger Things ), Laurel Castillo ( HTGAWM ), Peyton Charles ( iZombie ), Celeste Wright ( Big Little Lies ).

EXTRAS: pinterest

ABOUT:

It was a particularly cold day in October, upon a house on a hill in Kent, Astoria Greengrass was born quietly, in the late evening. Even then, she came out of the womb easily without much fuss, the labor was short, she cried once and then not at all. Even from a young age, she displayed the traits of a perfect daughter -- quiet, non questioning ( outwardly ), intelligent, stoic, curious but not too curious ( yet ), poised, obedient. Halloween was just around the corner and the Greengrass’ showed off their new daughter at their annual O’Hallows Eve event, only a little over a week old, she was the apple of their eye. It was like she came into the world to be perfect, seemingly serene, lovely, good. The Greengrass’ while frustrated they couldn’t have any sons, settled for daughters who would make the family name a shining example in the Wizarding World and would make good matches when the time came, they just had to be groomed to get there. It didn’t take much grooming for Astoria to play the part, to become the part, to excel at it like she was born to do so -- much to their pleasure.

She was also kind, inquisitive, sneaky, knowing the more she obeyed the less they’d watch her. At a young age, even though she was younger than many of the pureblood children she hung out with, she was the maternal, caring, quiet, warm presence many of them lacked. A quiet warmth among them, trying to give them the love that none of them got by simply being there, being by their side. If you needed something, go to Astoria. If you wanted something done or needed someone to back you up and legitimize your hijinks, go to Astoria. The only time she deigned to stand up against the adults was in defense of her fellow purebloods, as she felt a camaraderie as well as a responsibility for them she couldn’t really explain. Perhaps, it was the fact that they all had similar upbringings, that they were all practically indoctrinated into a society after the First War that was dying. The Greengrass’s were a dying breed and she easily took on the role of diplomat, of perfect dutiful daughter. She didn’t know anything else even though she longed to.

By the time Astoria was 11, she knew society well. Praised in Witch Weekly as ‘One to Watch’, she made subtle waves within society, going back to her mother’s home in Singapore frequently to further integrate with Pureblood society internationally. The name Astoria Greengrass was known in Pureblood circles and by the time she sixteen, she was fairly popular within them. A perfect socialite, a perfect daughter, a perfect diplomat, she’d been groomed since birth and fit into the role perfectly.

EXCEPT. She wondered. In between the traveling, her parents started to be less lenient with her due to her just being the daughter they didn’t need to worry about ( not that they were the most attentive parents in the first place ) -- she slipped in between the cracks and saw a world that was more than what she was given. The hate they raised her with she realized was fear, which was then countered by her need to know, her curiosity that was once unthreatening, propelled her into muggle cities, into muggle books, muggle music. Of course, she never talked about it, with anyone. But she knew. In her mind, there was so much more than what she had and the longing for it started. A life long love affair with knowledge, never quenched but always thirsty, was born.

That’s when the distractions, the hobbies of sketching, drawing, baking, cooking, reading, became needs. Her mind reeled, her mind saw so much more and realized how her family was on the wrong side of history. Sure, she could enjoy the perks of living, she could enjoy her name & her reputation, the money, the privilege she had of being pureblood, but the morality of it all started to weigh on her heavily. The older she got, the more she read about the dead during the First War. The people her family had helped slaughtered ( at least, they were neutral/DE leaning -- by proxy their blood was on her hands ). The people her Ministry parents had let slide, the people who came in and out of their home who were objectively bad people. She baked, though she wasn’t the best. She painted, she sketched, she made clothing designs of ornate dresses, some of which were brought to fruition and many of which were actually worn by Astoria. Witch Weekly asked her when her clothing line was coming out and Astoria became motivated to actually make one. Not due to desire, but due to the guilt of her life weighing down on her more and more -- instead of doing something about it, standing up to her family, Merlin forbid betraying them, she fell deeper down the rabbit hole of her life. They wanted a clothing line of evening gowns? Astoria would deliver. Brands wanted her to wear their clothing? She did and made them her own. Astoria got better and better at living a life that she felt horrible living because what other option did she have?

Astoria was a true hatstall between Slytherin and Ravenclaw. He saw she was a wonderer, someone who had an unsatisfied need to learn about everything, that she would soar if she was to be an eagle. The hat kept trying to convince her that Ravenclaw was where she belonged, after all she read books, practically soaked up knowledge like a dry sponge & valued it extremely — but being away from her family? Away from the big sister she loved with all her heart and soul, the people she grew up with? Astoria was a Greengrass, but more importantly she held her value of family above anything else. After a few minutes, the hat saw this, it realized that maybe she did belong in Slytherin after all and let her go. Green robes adorned her, and she joined the House of Snakes with a superficial smile. Because underneath all of that, she was nervous, that maybe she had made a mistake. This was something that she often wondered but was able to push it away for years, happy that she was with the people she loved.

The Hat wasn’t wrong in the end, Astoria Greengrass belonged in Slytherin even if she was a Ravenclaw. She didn’t just belong there because of her last name or her company, but because of cowardice born from self-preservation and the deep need to be loyal to her family, to be by her sister’s side, though not prominent in all Slytherin wizards, was in her veins. Doing the right thing seemed much worse than betrayal, saying something against what she was taught was practically betrayal, so she kept her mouth glued shut. Astoria seemingly turned a blind eye to the budding war around her ( even though that was very much not the case, which was worse ), following her sister dutifully as a Greengrass as a socialite, even if she would’ve rather been home reading many of the books she had collected ( even if some where muggle and not allowed, she hid them under her bed & floorboards ). At 16 almost 17 years old, she’s more conflicted but down the rabbit hole than ever -- a small line of designer gowns under her belt, Witch Weekly’s endless love & praise being named Witch Weekly’s Jr. Socialite Of The Year -- something that weighs heavy on her. Her parents are pleased but Astoria is finding it harder and harder to adorn herself with beautiful clothing and look in the mirror like she isn’t as guilty as the Death Eaters by simply standing idly by. "The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis. " Astoria thinks about this quote. Often.

Underneath the grace and demure demeanor is not someone you want to piss off. With a sharp tongue and a sharper mind, Astoria could easily tear someone down, pick someone apart, so observant and very wry, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t need to and realized at a young age that she would gain more with being adored & loved than being feared -- but it doesn’t mean she can’t. This distinction is important. She bites her tongue, she swallows the blood, but it doesn’t mean she can’t draw it if necessary.

EXTRA FACTZ:

alright i’m gonna stop bc i usually write long intros and i’m trying to learn the art of brevity

ISFJ & libra

has a cat named asteria because she thought it was funny tbh

patronus: swan

none of that blood curse BS bc cursed child isnt valid in my house!!!!!!

boggart: her sister’s dead body which signifies letting her family down and the person she loves most down, losing her family as well

if u didn’t already know daphne is everything to her

plays piano and violin

loves the stars and star jewelry, she does kinda like astrology too

questions her gender v v deep down, doesn’t really acknowledge or talk about it and doesn’t feel there’s room to

knows she aint straight though and is cool with it

buy the stars by marina and the diamonds is her SONG

always looking good. always looking fresh. she dresses up that uniform with so much jewelry, she looks GOOD AT ALL TIMES and is always wearing some sort of jewelry. designer everything on hogsmeade weekends. like ur girl is looking fresh 2 DEATH

it’s astoria or ria, even then only a few people can call her ria. it’s astoria or bust lol! none of that tori shit!

is something of a wine expert?? she’s real posh tbh. she went to italy (1) time and was like wow i am cultivating a Love of Wine and has done so

#potter intro #i gtg to get ready for bed now but!!! im excited!!!

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claire-de-macarune · 5 years

Text

Get ready kids because somebody called for all the Hayley Kiyoko asks

sleepover: have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them? if it was in the past, do you wish that you told them?

Ugghhhh yea. I’ve told some and not others. The current one is rough because she’s straight (?) and we talked about her boy problems and i just wanted her to be happy, so i worked some fairy gaymother magic and now they’re dating which is… yeah.

I just kinda sucked it up and made a playlist into which i deposit all my sad gay pining. It’s about three hours long and Sleepover is the first track.

curious: do you drink? what’s your favourite drink? what drink isn’t your thing?

I am a connoisseur of fine juices. ;)

I’m a big smoothie girl, so a mango smoothie bubble tea is probably my fave. I like sodas or bitter things, for the most part. I’m a wine mom type and definitely think that it will be my alcohol go-to once I’m of age,

girls like girls: what’s your sexuality? how did you discover it? or have you just always known?

I’m a lesbean. :)

My first crush was Daphne from Scooby-Doo (i’ve given you that information, now use it wisely. by which i mean, don’t use it. please god.), so that was a landmark. I kind of always subconsciously know, but growing up I didn’t actually know what being LGBT+ was because my parents never made a big deal about it. We have straight friends, we have gay friends, so I wasn’t aware that sexuality and discourse around it was even a thing until I was around twelve.

feelings: how do you think others perceive you? how do you perceive yourself?

People find me intimidating because I’m confident, intentional, verbose, and organized. That’s how I like it.

I alternate between between our class emotional support animal and class cryptid, and it’s the most fun thing ever. I am both mom and monster muahahaha

gravel to tempo: have you come out to anyone? if yes, who was the first person you told? if no, do you want to? who would you tell first?

I don’t actually remember first coming out to anyone in particular. There was one time when my group of friends (3 other girls) and i were having a sleepover and they were all like, “we’re bi” and i was like “what’s that” and they were like “we like girls too” and i was like “cool. i mean, personally i think boys suck and look like potatoes carved by a toddler and when i entertain the notion of kissing or marrying one i would literally rather eat sandpaper for the rest of my life, but cool” and they were like “how are you so comfortable with this? a lesbian GOD!” and i just went with it.

(for the record, it wasn’t a trendy thing and they were really scared and all felt really gross about it bc their religious families taught them that being gay was wrong and didn’t talk about bisexuality at all so i went out and did some research and came back and assured them that everything they were feelign was valid and okay and we were really safe spaces for each other in that shitty middle school time when everything is just awful. nothing but love and respect for my first priestesses and bi babes!)

pretty girl: who was the most recent crush you had? do you still like them? did you tell them/do you want to tell them?

(see sleepover. this song is also on the playlist.)

what i need: who are your favourite gay artists? what are your favourite gay songs?

Well, Hayley Kiyoko (obviously), Janelle Monae, and King Princess are the big ones. I’m always open to hearing more! Honorable mentions to “Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert, “Crimson and Clover” by Joan Jett, and the soundtrack of Fun Home (even though it’s got some problematic things with predatory gays) because I cry every time I listen to it, especially on “Changing My Major”, “Days and Days and Days”, and fuckin “Telephone Wire” (“Come to the Fun Home” is a whole bop. Only gay in that I, a certified gay, enjoy it.)

ease my mind: what makes you feel at peace? what is your perfect future like? what do you do at the end of a long day to unwind?

Reading, writing (in theory lol), drawing, and singing relax me (dance too, but I’m not allowed to do it anymore cuz I’m broken). I also recently started teaching myself the guitar.

I don’t really have a set perfect future, but honestly, I’d take one in which we avoid nuclear winter, world war III, and climate change. The more I think about growing up, the more skeptical I become about whether I’ll actually get to do it and that’s insanely scary.

let it be: who was your worst heartbreak? have you ever been in love? do you even believe in love?

TW: suicide

One of my best friends (⅓ of my nervous bi darlings) ended her life almost two years ago. So that fuckin’ messed me up.

I don’t know. Usually, I’d say I think I’m kind of young to really even know how, but that’s not quite true. I guess I’ll say that I have loved but I haven’t yet been in love. Theoretically speaking, there’s so much of my life ahead of me that the probability of having that experience so early, especially with a limited romantic pool (being a queer poc in the south), is low.

And I’ve just recently fallen in love with myself, thus heightening my standards. I’ve been awful about getting into relationships in the past because i was afraid of saying no and hurting that person’s feelings, but lately i value my own happiness above the appeasement of others to my detriment. I just feel like I’m still learning and getting comfortable in that space, and the opportunity hasn’t really presented itself yet. But i think that it’s possible, someday. I’m a hopeful hopeless romantic.

cliff’s edge: what’s on your bucket list? where would like to travel? what makes your heart race?

I want to try everything at least once. I want to learn how to be the truest, most fully-realized version of myself I can. I don’t have a set list of life, I just hope it will be some kind of spectacular.

I want to see the world. Everywhere. But beyond that, I want to be a part of it. I want to be a true global citizen, experience a life past myself every day. I dream of having the freedom to continuously explore and grow in hopes of doing some good, internally or externally, along the way.

he’ll never love you: were you ever in denial about your sexuality? were you ever in denial of a crush? do you like to talk about your crushes to your friends?

Not denial, per se, I just didn’t know what was going on. It was a pretty straightforward, comfortable call once I had the information I needed.

I’m able to employ logic in most situations and strip myself of an unwanted crush using that, but most i’m aware of and suffer in silence.

Yesss. I’m bad at making those kinds of decisions by myself and having people who genuinely care ask me questions or even just talk to me about it helps me process. Often, this results in being teased about said crush, but I don’t mind.

wanna be missed: how dependent or independent are you in a relationship? do you like a lot of space, or a lot of intimacy? how do you feel about electronic (vs face to face) communication?

Ummm, I kinda tend to lead, just because that’s what I’m accustomed to. It’s a role I fill because everyone else avoids it in the other arenas of my life, so I’ve mostly been independent and directing in my relationships. This last one actually threw me for a loop because the dynamic was flipped; they were so sweet and thoughtful and proactive in romancing me i didn’t really know what to do with myself. I’ve gotten over the initial shock (now, what, 5? 6 months later?) and found that I liked that too.

I like a healthy balance of distance and closeness. Fun fact: my love languages are quality time and physical touch, so when i’m with someone i pretty much just want to cuddle with them all the time. I don’t know, it really depends on the person and the relationship and whatever is going on with me individually.

I’m cool with digital communication, but i’m also a granny when it comes to technology so I can have a little trouble with more nuanced text/social media culture. Also, my phone is always on silent (not even vibrate, because i’m wacky like that) so if you want an immediate answer, face-to-face is better. Also the physical touch thing, also that way i can read expressions better.

Bonus: i can also hold your hand and kiss your cute face!

under the blue/take me in: are you happy where you are right now? if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? what’s your favourite aspect of yourself?

I mean, I’d rather not be in constant debilitating pain, I (apparently) have some tangling with anxiety i need to do, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I’m a lot better than I have been, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t know if true happiness is a consistent, determinable state, but I take what I can get.

I don’t think there’s one big thing I would change. It’s more like a handful of small things. But if I had to choose, I’d fix whatever is wrong with my spine/neck/whatever. I feel like I’m on the cusp of my life finally beginning and I’m trapped by something as trivial as my body. It’s exhausting and I really need it to be over. It feels selfish, but I could do the most good for myself and others if I could put this behind me.

Favorite aspect of myself? That’s like asking me to pick a favorite book! Or child! Impossible: that’s a trick question. Sure, she’s a batshit, messy bitch, but I love myself. She and I are in it for the long run. ;)

palace: who is your favourite memory? what’s your favourite story with/about them? why don’t you two speak anymore?

The first girl I ever loved is mostly a memory now. It’s hard to pick a favorite story about her, but our first kiss story is pretty soft and gay, kind of like something out of a fairytale or a tropey fic, so I guess I’ll say that.

We had just finished seventh grade.

Some background: That April, we went to D.C. for our annual class trip. There were ten of us and only four girls, so we all shared a hotel room (and they were roommates!) We split the beds (we’d all known each other for seven years, it was just like sharing with a sister) and stayed up super late, intermittently playing truth or dare and talking about life. She and I philosophized into the early morning (there was only one bed!!), she told me she liked me, and I fell asleep before I could do anything about it. Apparently, we ended up cuddling, because when I woke up, i was warm because she’d wrapped around me (and drooled down my collarbone, but whatever).

Okay, so, every spring, after graduation, our school had a picnic at the park down by a shallow length of the river where the kids would swim after lunch. We hadn’t done anything about our feelings yet, and I was leaving for another school. She took me around the bend in the river and we swam into the basin there. She wasn’t as strong a swimmer as I was, so she put her arms around my neck, and I held us both up in water deeper than both of us were tall. She said she was going to miss me, and then she kissed me. For a while.

Then, we saw a snake and frantically flailed to shore, laughing until our lungs hurt.

We don’t talk anymore because she became mentally unstable soon after that, and it wasn’t safe for either of us to continue interacting. I’ve seen her a few times since, but I don’t anticipate that we’ll ever be that close again, and that’s okay.

mercy/gatekeeper: what was a difficult time in your life? what did you do/what are you doing to get through it? who has been the most helpful?

molecules: have you ever lost anyone close to you? if yes, how did it feel at the time and how does it feel now to talk about them? do you fear death?

TW: suicide

One of my childhood best friends killed herself in the first month of our freshman year. It was totally out of the blue, and the timing was absolutely horrible. I was just getting everything I wanted, I was having the time of my life and then everything just stopped in its tracks. Except it didn’t. The world kept turning and she was gone and I had lab reports due and she was gone and there were play rehearsal and holidays and deadlines and life incessantly barreling forward and she was gone. I woke every morning with a pit in my stomach, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat. It was like something had been cut open inside me and life was just pouring out behind me but I couldn’t feel any of it. And no one else around me seemed to care. Every day I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, and everyone else had a smile on their face and laughed like it was nothing and complained about stubbing toes and bad grades and fighting with their parents.

I don’t really know how I got through it. I mean, I went to therapy, but it didn’t really help. I couldn’t talk to people about it, even when I wanted to. I couldn’t cry for the longest time. I wrote about it some. I left her voicemails. I raged through glass recycling. I guess I just trudged on, dragged myself onward because stopping wasn’t an option. Because if I did, even for a moment, I wouldn’t have enough strength to start again.

I’m better now, I guess. I can talk about it and her and I feel mostly human most days, but it’s still a presence in my life I wish I could escape. I still don’t know where they buried her.

I do not fear death.

one bad night: do you like casual or serious relationships? have you ever done anything illegal, wrong, or stupid for the sake of love?

Hoo boy, I’m bad at casual relationships. I get too attached (*feelings plays in the background*), and it becomes serious. Oddly enough, it doesn’t really scare people away. The older I get the further I’ll probably get from playful dalliances, but every once in a while, as the stakes are low, I’m down for just having fun and enjoying someone’s company.

palm dreams: do you like parties or quiet nights in? would you want to/did you stay in your hometown after moving out? what’s your ideal saturday night like?

I am an introverted smol, and big parties make me nervous. I can handle and even enjoy the odd bash here and there, but too many too often wears me out. Smaller groups are better, but my favorite size is a book or maybe one other human.

Nooooooo, man, I am going to college out of state, far away, and I am not moving back here. I love my city dearly, but I need to find my own corner of the sky. :)

I love a night at the theatre, preceded by a quiet dinner with a couple close friends and followed by something sweet, some tea, and reading a good book with my feline.

#answer #s #wow #that took a minute #here #have my life story and emotions #@cremlim #thank you thank you #this was fun #i may or may not have cried #in other news #i love hayley kiyoko #don't mind my inconsistent Capitalization

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gg-astrology · 5 years

Note

Of what value is venus conj north node in synastry? How would you describe the impact it would have on both persons? thank u~💟~

Hey there 💕💕💕

[Below Cut: Venus - Conjunct - NN]

For reference (those who doesn’t have this aspect but is looking to send in more SN/NN aspects) please check these out first 💕:

Synastry - Venus-Opposition-NN |

Synastry - South Node - Conjunct - Venus |

Together

Venus-conjunct-NN talks about a strong co-operative sense between the two (productivity, they may or may not get along all the time)– a perfect partnership (*within contexts of the house/field/personal development).

In the context of which BOTH individuals are dynamic INDIVIDUALLY (away from each other) and ‘bounce’ off each other. The shared dynamic is self-expressive, can lead to straight-forward confrontation, emotions coming to face but also easily resolvable at the same time (shared goals/get alot from each other)

Venus

The Venus person unlike the Venus-Opposition-NN/Conjunct-SN – when it’s conjunct to NN they may urge the other person to confront their SN behaviour more. They reject the ‘past’ self of the person, or habits that they may see as detrimental to them. Venus is like an life coach/support/aid to the NN person, often finding opportunities/ways they can ‘help’ the others become their ‘best’ self (sometimes may push/rush the others so watch for emotional fatigue/letting the NN person rest sometimes)

The NN person feels like they’re moving forward/progressing because of the Venus person, like they can ‘transform’ and align to their goals easier. It becomes a ‘productive’ kind of feeling, liking themselves better and wanting to hear the Venus’s praises.

But at the same time, they may push themselves too much/have to confront the harder challenges in the past. Failure to fully ‘express’ themselves the way they want to can make them sink into emotional doubt/self-doubt. Discouragement/need for validation from the Venus person can be more common over time if this happens alot (*depends on person to person).

They can however, always get encouragement from the Venus if they ‘teach’ the Venus how to take care of them. The Venus person is adaptable, if they’re developed they can even become flexible/encouraging to the NN’s person’s needs/wants before the NN person realize this themselves (intuitively informed).

Ending Ment

Overall, a good aspect. Just has to watch out for the SN opposition and take care not to rush each other emotionally/support each other emotionally. Again, breaking habit is hard, it’s the same as how you’d help a chain smoker quit smoking in a week. It’s hard and you need patience/understanding with each other (even if you don’t smoke yourself).

I hope this helps 💕

PS. I know I focused more on the NN person, but that’s because the Venus person can always be taught what to do while the NN person will need to pick themselves up. With Venus it’s more of a cautionary/what to do/look out for– but for the NN it’s to be patient with themselves (that they can forget to do a lot). Context wise, the NN has more of a problem than Venus so that’s why it’s here.

(**Also it can also differ from people to people, some who are Venus feels like they’re the NN person in this regard bc they’re more self-aware/developed in that way. So thus, please use ur own discretion with this 💕)

#venus #nn #venus-conjunct-nn #synastry #compatibility #anon #asks

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gayerluke · 5 years

Text

wow sorry this is an incredibly long navel-gazing post but sorry, read-mores never work for me. you can skip it it’s nbd & more for my personal reflection

i know i say i’ve become a little more misanthropic lately bc of mental illness things & interpersonal drama that made me question my ability to form healthy relationships with other people, but also 1) there’s no reason why that was Just Me like the other person involved in that situation was also objectively bad lol so it’s not all my fault that that relationship failed, & 2) i have learned this semester, primarily from my classmates, that you can make a bad impression on people or people can dislike you for something but later just.... change. like they can grow to know you more & forgive you for being an asshole before, or they can stop being an asshole themselves. or SOMETIMES someone may do something asshole-ish but they were just In A Mood or you were having a legit argument that caused friction, but later they’re ok.

i know that may sound obvious to a lot of people but my borderline brain (which may not actually be borderline & may be adhd brain with emotional lability instead but the thought patterns have been similar) sees EVERYTHING in black or white, & all it takes is ONE interaction to make me think that a person is irredeemable, or more often to make THEM think that *I* am irredeemable (i am more likely to blame myself). like many people in my class have straight up said to me that i made a really bad impression at first & they didn’t like me, or they actually hated me lol, but now they have gotten to know me & think i’m a cool person. & while it does hurt to hear people say that they hated me, 1) i was genuinely a pretty shitty person at the start of the program! i thought my experience in tangential fields made me more knowledgeable, i was SUPER impatient & short-tempered (which still comes up & tbh has been a problem for me all my life, but i’ve worked on it a lot), i thought being older meant i had no reason to socially connect to people or care what they thought of me, etc & 2) i really genuinely appreciate their honesty & willingness to communicate with me about the situation & our earlier interactions vs now.

i have said since like second semester that the #1 most valuable thing this program has taught me is teamwork, which is ESSENTIAL in our field & makes a huge difference in the working environment not only for us but for our animals. when people argue there is tension, treatments get missed, tasks get rushed or delayed or generally done improperly, people change up treatment plans just to be spiteful & try to prove they know better, some people may also be more aggressive in their handling & interaction with patients. it does not contribute to our common goal or our shared responsibility to our patients. it is counterproductive to what we’re there to do, & it just makes the job harder for everyone.

i DON’T think that means that people should just shrug it off & not take anything personally, which is what they will tell you to do when you enter emergency. i think it means that we ALL have to be open to honest communication & feedback. yes, there are some things that you need to let go, & no, it’s not always possible to communicate & come to a mutually-satisfying resolution with some people, mainly doctors who are not only our superiors but often really ACT superior lol, & also have no chill & are like stressed all the time when we’re the ones doing the actual work. 👀 but you can’t carry it all the time, because it doesn’t contribute to the common good. we have enough to stress about that you can focus on that. also if you need a mediator you can get someone else or go to HR. or just vent with other techs! there’s a lot of shit talk in this field tbh lol but sometimes just knowing you have an ally who sees what you’re seeing & understands why you’re upset about certain behaviors helps you feel validated in your feelings. they can also give good advice on how to handle it or how they manage to interact smoothly with that person! but you also should be open to approaching the person you’re butting heads with at a calmer time & just tell them how you feel the way you do & why. & you need to be open when other people bring that to you as well.

idk man like my school/work environment as well as my personal environment lately have made me realize & learn a lot of things about the value of open, honest, clear communication. i have learned that it’s WAY healthier for me to just be 100% honest about how i’m feeling & why than to stew in it & take it out in passive-aggressive ways. now when i’m mad at someone, i will tell them exactly why, not necessarily in an accusatory tone but in a way that acknowledges my own failings in the situation & is genuinely coming from a place of desiring reconciliation. sometimes that’s just not possible to do (like with that horrible doctor who i knew was never going to not be horrible [she is horrible to literally everybody, like i have talked to.... almost everybody lol]), in which case you have to look within yourself to find a way to reconcile your feelings & do the best you can on your own to improve the situation (like how i just Noped out of that shift altogether bc i could lol).

so like. idk this is the longest post ever & it’s like the opposite of what i was saying last night, but the big falling-out with [redacted] really shook my confidence in my ability to interact with others & form nontoxic relationships. but now that i’ve sat with it for a few months, i think recognizing my own failings, as well as recognizing THEIR failings & how it didn’t come from me just intrinsically being a horrible person, has really helped me grow & mature. it’s cheesy as fuck but i think mistakes really do help us learn how to do better in the future. that’s something i’ve for sure learned on the job. this program has really been valuable to me on a personal level.

i am still extremely wary of forming new relationships with people; there is still a big part of me that doubts my ability to do so in a healthy way. i still feel as if i have to get my emotions under better control before i can be a good friend, much less a good partner to anybody. & i’m scared of hurting more people, not purely out of an altruistic stance but also because it will further prove my fears & make me isolate myself out of social existence. i have a persecution complex that is difficult to see beyond. but i’m getting there. i can’t form a satisfying conclusion to this Essay because i have to go to work now

#oh my god. oh my god this is so fucking long #long post -

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ikwinsty-blog · 5 years

Text

Queer Arab Experience

FULL WORDS QUEER POC/ARAB PROJECT.

@antonss123 - There's no better time to be QTIPOC than it is to be RIGHT NOW. I am so proud and honoured to be a part of such a beautiful, free-spirited and loving community. I found my family away from family and I couldn't be any more content. I perform in these spaces and make it very clear that I am proud to be who I am and the message spreads across to everybody to believe in themselves and love themselves. If you ever feel that you are segregated; then DO MORE. SHOW YOUR CULTURE AND DONT BE AFRAID TO EXPRESS IT ANY WAY YOU WANT. There is no RIGHT or WRONG ; so just DO. 🌈🌹🦋

@nessuhifa - As soon as I understood the role I played in my life, I started spending the rest of my childhood and teen years, feeling cheated and angry for being 'chosen' as someone who is to live their entire life as a Gay and Black person, with a Muslim family. I very quickly as a child understood that the media I consumed, the society I lived in and the religious texts I read in the Mosque, all were telling me in different ways, that it's not ok to be who I am and in some cases told me, that it's not possible to be who I am (Which is low key mad, cos I'm literally right here...) It took years of self-doubt and self-hatred, for me to realise I could not continue living with this anger at the world and at myself and that it was slowly only killing me

So I changed, not my sexuality or race (bcos that's literally impossible...) but, I changed my outlook, I finally got to a place in my life where everything that defined me wasn't a negative factor in my life, that I could use these things to connect to the world better, that I was actually lucky that I was given these factors. I had to shut out and stop listening to all these mortals, telling other mortals how to live their own life, in order for me to find some peace in the chaos I was born in. In other words, I had to look inside myself, like my oldest friend and just trust the voice within- Yes, I'm ending this with Christina Aguilera lyrics because she truly made some points in that song.

@bilmian - Queer identity has always existed amongst the ummah, yet we allow unnecessary hatred towards a community who were created in God’s own divine vision. Being both muslim and queer has always been challenging growing up, battling with my inner demons whilst also trying to keep up with standards set for me before birth, gaining this balance of both peace and love was something I achieved in my early 20’s realising that God loves me for who I am, even if I am looked down upon by other so called muslims. I find it funny how being homosexual is haram yet people act like being homophobic isn’t, nowhere is the Qur’an does God preach about being hateful or phobic towards another minority. In fact the meaning of Islam is to love and respect one another, not to incite hatred.

When I first heard about Omar’s project I was intrigued to see how he would make this work without imitating other existing queer content out there, but from what I’ve seen Omar wants to add an aspect of futurism into his work, making a statement that this is the future, a tolerant and loving society towards everyone. When I wake up in the morning I don’t want to feel a heavy heart filled with anxiety and depression, living in constant fear of my Lord, worried that I won’t be truly loved, it’ll take some time but rather than being so hesitant towards each other this community needs to stand strong and support eachother, all of our brothers and sisters, of all colours, ethnicities, genders and sexualities, ensuring that we have a bright and positive future ahead of us.

@mossymugler - For the longest time I thought I had to be either Queer or Palestinian but never both at the same time. My mind couldn’t make the connection that Queerness alongside my Palestinian identity is a driving force in the face of liberation from Zionism. This I come to now realize, is a form of colonial control. As I look into the historical archives of the Arab and Muslim world I see how sexuality and gender fluidity were never an issue of conflict. It was completely normal and even celebrated to be queer.

The ottoman empire wrote legislation on this in 1858 recognizing queerness but it was only after British mandate law was instated in 1937, that it was criminalized and homophobic attitudes sprung thereafter. I blamed my “Muslim parents” or “Arab upbringing” for a lot of my self- hate, although that’s somewhat valid cuz it’s my experience, I realize now that they’re also victims of colonial trauma and need help unlearning colonial homophobic behavior. Being Queer and Palestinian has given me the tools to work on collective liberation for my people and I pride myself on my identity now more then ever before.

@metalfemme - As a queer + trans Muslim born in Pakistan and raised in the us post 9/11 and during the war on terror, I grew up feeling as if i had to pick and choose parts of my identity to express at certain times. I’ve always been hesitant about visibility and representation politics but learning about other queer and trans Muslims has helped me come into my own identity over the years.

As an artist, I feel that creating art has helped me bridge the false logic of dualism, which was built up through western enlightenment discourse and weaponised against queer Muslims via orientalism, capitalism, etc. Through experiencing and partaking in different forms of art, I have learned that I can simply exist within the vastness of myself. Also drawing upon theory and philosophy by scholars like Crenshaw, Marx, and Ahmed has helped me form the language to describe my material condition in this world. What id love to see is my peers putting in work and being critical of the ways

@mstfuh - The hostility I’ve faced oftentimes comes from the moments when I was hiding. It’s when I’ve been invisible, or unseen, that pain was most burdensome. I think these periods of hiding showed me the true colors of my communities and whom to stay away from, or whom I see light within. Being open with who I am and what I believe, surprisingly, hasn’t led to the isolation I anticipated when I was younger. I haven’t left my communities, but some have left me. I’ve carved space out in those hostile places I identified throughout my hiding, because I still derive great value and wisdom from the communities I was raised. And living my truth has taught me to leave parts of my communities that will never love me how I used to admire them. I think this is what it means to live your truth and be open. Living in honesty is not only facing the communities that’ve only known you in hiding, but it’s also choosing people and families within those communities that tend for you the ways you long for. It’s about holding firm space in a world that doesn’t want me to exist through a community that has existed alongside me for as long as I can remember.

@arabqueer - I never considered being gay a problem or a personal issue until people made me feel uncomfortable and insure about my same-sex desires. I developed attractions towards men around the age of 9, but it’s not until the age of 11 that I began to feel insecure about it. Why? Because around 11 I became more aware of people’s repulsiveness towards homosexuality. I wasn’t sure yet of the reasons, but I just knew that a lot more people than I imagined didn’t like or accept boys who are attracted to boys.

But it’s also the heteronormativity that played a huge impact on my insecurity: the lack of queer/gay representation in every aspect of society made me feel like an outsider. I was already getting teased on towards the end of primary school, but It only got worse when I left primary school and entered secondary school. For three years in a row after primary school I was bullied almost every single day for my femininity and my homosexuality. The strange thing is that I wasn’t actually out yet, but students just suspected I was gay because of my femininity. The secondary school i went was attended by many immigrant/brown students. There was another gay in the school but he was white. No one ever bullied him, at least not like me. For some reasons, being gay was worse for me bc I was brown. Almost like homosexuality/queerness is a western/white phenomenon. During those three years of bullying, I turned to my family to seek refuge from the hate I was getting at school but I realised at first that I was not gonna get any support from my relatives either. It was quickly made clear to me by my relatives that my homo desires were not compatible with my ethnic culture, with Islam, with my country of origin, and with my family’s values. This is an issue we face as Muslim/brown queers: we are told by our ethnic community that our sexuality isn’t compatible with our culture or with Islam, we are judged too “westernised” but when we turn to the western gay community we are judged too “ethnic” and we are asked to give up on our culture/religion bc it is deemed, again, incompatible with LBGTQ rights. Therefore, we feel like a misfit in both sides which leads to a struggle in identity. And so we, as brown/Muslim queers, face rejection by both our own ethnic community and the west’s white gay community. And so I isolated myself until i took the courage to come out to my mother. I had to accept my sexuality first before I could come out to my own mother. It was hard at first. She wasn’t evil towards me. She continued to give me all the love I deserved. But her hostility and dislike of my sexuality didn’t stem from hate or homophobia, it stemmed from fear. The fear that her son could be hurt or rejected for his desires. I did have to come out to my mother a second time, about 4 years after I first came out to her, in order to make sure we were on the same page. So in the end, it took my mom some time to fully accept the reality and she has definitely learned a lot from her son’s sexuality. In exchange, my mom taught me that Islam doesn’t speak of homosexuality. And so my mom brought me back to Islam when I was leaving it.

It’s now been approximately a decade since I first experienced same-sex attractions and it’s been an incredible journey. 7 years ago when I was bullied I would have never taught that I’d be where I am right now, comfortable with both my sexuality and my religion. I now stand up against any homophobe. But it required from me a lot of research about homosexuality in Islam and research about human sexuality thru cultures and time, it required me to accept myself first before I could expect anyone to accept me, it required me to challenge heteronormativity and masculinity vs femininity in my brain, it required me to grow thicker skin which I was able to get through those years of bullying, it required me to analyse and understand homophobes and why they are homophobic, it required me to move to my country of origin Morocco for two years (a Muslim nation that criminalises homosexuality) to finish high school. It required me all these things, critical and independent thinking, and more in order to be where I am right now embracing my queerness.

For brown and Muslim queers in the west I have feeling it will get better than it already is. I feel There’s more inclusivity and more unity as I see brown and Muslim queers engaging in conversations and taking the necessary actions to gain more representation both in the broader society and within the LGBTQ community itself. I see more brown and Muslim artists that are open about their sexuality, spaces such as clubs and even mosques that bring together brown queers. However there is still some work to be done. I still see a lot of toxic and racist orientalism coming from white gays and the wester media doesn’t publicly speak much of the persecution and oppression queers face in the non western world. But overall, in te west, we are on the right path.

In the non-western world there has been very little improvement. India and Angola are the only two countries who have recently decriminalised homosexuality. In Turkey the LGBTQ pride has been canceled for over 5 years in row now. I follow a page on Instagram which documents stories of LGBTQ individuals in the non-world and the persecution they face and it’s horrible. Shocking. There is still a lot of work to do for the liberation of brown and Muslim queers in the non-western world. For the situation to get better it will take time and a lot of effort. I’ve lived and studied in Morocco for over two years. I was able to interact with homophobes there and I know how they think and why. First the problem comes from the state, which mixes politics and religion. That’s a problem because as soon as you implement religion in the nation’s laws you are directly and inevitably imposing religious beliefs on an entire population. This blocks the way for freedom as you are already forcing a population to submit to a specific religion by its laws. A society cannot be free when it is being imposed laws from a specific religion. So in order for us to move forward, the mentalities must change. To change the mentalities, religion and state must be separate and that’s a first step. Second, education. People are uneducated about topics that cover human sexuality, gender, and identity because those topics are always considered taboo in a country ruled by religious laws. People are brainwashed with heteronormativity and ideas of masculinity vs femininity in countries like Morocco. I heard a lot of dumb and ignorant comments while I was in Morocco. For instance I’ve heard too many times people say that homosexuality will bring aids. This is pure ignorance and it’s part of the problem. Students and children are not taught in schools about sexuality and gender. They are not taught to question. Why is it that girls must act a certain way and boys a certain way? Why some colours are considered “feminine” and some “masculine”? If they could ask themselves these questions and do the research people would realise those are just social constructs which can be deconstructed. So we must find a way to deconstruct the social constructs that are already implemented in Muslim/brown nations and challenge them.

People are also not educated about their past. They don’t have much knowledge about the precolonial era. They don’t know that the west’s colonisation is the cause of all this heteronormativity and gender roles nonsense in the non-western world. People also don’t know the influence that Wahhabism has had on all this conservatism in the Islamic world as well as the misinterpretation and mistranslation of the Quran’s verses, which serves as a justification against LGBTQ people. India and Pakistan were one of the most sexually diverse societies before colonisation. The anti-gay laws in India and Pakistan were implemented by the British and people don’t know that, they don’t know their history before colonisation and the negative impacts that colonisation has had on sexuality and heteronormativity in colonial lands. The Ottoman Empire, and Islamic caliphate/empire, decriminalised homosexuality in the mid 19th century before most western nations. They even had homoerotic paintings. Just like Iran who had a century of homoerotic poetry during the Middle Ages. And I could tell you about a grey number of Muslim emperors who had male lovers instead of females and barely approached women. So I think if people also knew about concepts of sexuality and gender in precolonial era it could challenge today’s heteronormativity and ideas of masculinity vs femininity in the non western world.

@layskeet - Being a queer muslim arab is a conflict in itself, how do all those parts fall together into one being?

I hope that our intersectional identities can one day live in harmony accepted and understood by everyone.

I hope that we can destroy all the internalized hate and discrimination.

I hope that leaving our families for independence or compromising our happiness to meet our families expectations will no longer be the ultimatum.

I hope that we can all be our unapologetic complete self to everyone, anywhere, any time.

I hope that we can decolonize our minds from the colonized idealizations that have been fed to us. Idealizations and concepts that never resonated with our truth, existence, and ancestry.

@jamalozsoy - I haven’t came out to my parents yet. Simply because I don’t feel ready atm. Being gay is a heavy weight to carry in a Muslim household. But also in the society. I live in Paris and I sometimes feel pressured by white people (queer or not) to come out cuz “it’s okay 2 be gay”. This comes from the lack of acknowledgement they have of what it means to grow up gay in a Muslim family specially in the Parisian suburb where taboos are stronger

I think one should always be encouraged to come out (at some point) but it’s important not to rush anyone and to keep in mind that topics such as homosexuality and sexuality in general are very taboos in some communities. For the future I hope that my diaspora sis’ won’t suffer from this double-sided pressure. Only you get to decide when to come out

I’d like to ask for help from our Muslim sisters. They tend to be open-minded when it comes to homosexuality and having gay friends. I want them to share this acceptance with their Muslim boyfriends. Let’s all embrace each other inshallah

Also I think it’s very important that we (diaspora kids) learn more about the dark sides of our parents countries. I think some of us are too busy trying to idealise Arabic countries through arts and traditions without taking in account the difficulties of what it means to live there. And that is not fair to Arab queer individuals dealing with those issues on a daily basis. Let arab queer individuals speak for themselves.

@anwarbougroug - The oppression of the LGBTQI+ community in the Arab world is rooted in insecurity, toxic masculinity, gender roles and religion. I am so proud of my queer Arab friends that use themselves as a medium to push the boundaries on what it means to be queer and Arab. Showing that we’re a community, rather than individuals, not only makes us stronger as a whole, it also empowers non-conforming people to take the next step and be themselves fully. Representation is key in this battle for equality and human rights for the LGBTQI+ community.

@chrisnajimy - I hope more Arabs are able to incorporate queerness into their idea entities and daily lives, and stop isolating sexual or gender identity as an entity separate from what's presented publicly. In order for that to happen we need to feel safer. More progressive legislation has to be passed in the Arab states that still criminalize and punish queerness. Most of all, queer behavior and queer bodies have to be normalized within the culture - including diaspora. Because of so many intersections that come with being Arab and queer (i.e. religion, gender, class, skin tone), it's difficult to speak generally about a "queer Arab experience."

But In my predominantly westernized Lebanese-American family, queerness (of we few that are out) is virtually never discussed. The lack of acknowledgement isn't only discouraging, but harmful to the fight in creating a culture more welcoming/less fearful of queerness. Being visible can literally be dangerous even in states with more progressive legislation worldwide; but it is a fundamental goal to be allowed to comfortably live authentically as both Arab and Queer.

@actuallywill - Technology has turned societies across the globe a little more open and I'm would like to see more young people discussing queer points of view and supporting queer people openly and especially with our religious families/friends in whatever way we think appropriate. As a mixed black Muslim queer living in the west I think community is life changing but it's also really easy to fall into capitalism's trap of being vocal only for cultural capital under the white gaze, rather than meaningfully support our people.

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