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hopefullystillatheatrestudent · 3 years

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this might be a weird thought but the way jensen performs masculinity (and i KNOW it’s a performance cause like, have you SEEN the mockumentary?) is just.... so inherently queer to me lmao

ok. okokokokokok. you asked for this. i have a LOT of thoughts on this. it’s gonna be under a cut because i’m gonna be annoying and psychoanalyse a celebrity i’ve never met(and hope i never do) but trust and believe when i tell you i know what i’m talking about so

you want my opinion? here goes. there is absolutely no way jensen ackles is straight. i hear you, ‘how do you know that he’s bi? that’s invasive and creepy’ but may i counter that point by saying how do you know he’s straight???? why is the default for everyone heterosexual? that’s a toxic mentality to have; ‘oh you don’t know for sure so just treat him like he’s 100% straight just in case’ like....what? heteronormativity drives me wild i’m sorry

and also, um, just to, um, prove my point that this man is decidedly not straight™(i really don’t want to do this but like it has to be said) we KNOW he’s not straight because his d*ck has spoken for itself around misha, like, four times. I HATE SAYING IT!!!!!!! but, um, straight men don’t get aroused by men. ...do i really need to explain myself further???? that’s what i thought(and don’t give me the ‘it could have been for unrelated reasons’ or ‘that wasn’t a boner!’ crap because um good lord yes it was and misha caused every single one so no it wasn’t a coincidence i’m gonna move on before i collapse into myself like a dying star)

anyway, on to the topic at hand which is jensen and his performative masculinity. and it’s a juicy one.

after the unconscious amount of hours i’ve put into watching and subconsciously judging jackles, i have come to the conclusion that like, 90% of how he presents himself and talks and even moves is an act. it’s a facade. it’s a shield. he is not that person. it actually seems exhausting, because he tries to compose himself in this macho, manly, confident and effortlessly cool way, but he’s not that person he desperately wishes he was and wants to be perceived as. he’s on guard every second, even the slightest tilt of his head is like, pre-meditated in some way? if i’m going FULL body language analyst mode, i’ve noticed he has a certain posture he always shifts himself into, and it’s very ‘pursed lips, stoic faced, gruff voiced, square-shoulder, broad and manly’ but, not to be rude jensen, it kind of reads as a little kid imitating the adults he thinks are cool? oof i am going IN huh(it’s out of love though i promise)

he is trying to be this person at every second:

because that’s who he wishes he was, because that’s how he gets validation from the people around him that he looks up to; straight white guys. but to me, who he presents himself to be at conventions is just as much of a performance as this whole eye of the tiger bit is.

oh i should mention i know his body language isn’t naturally like that because how he naturally carries himself is actually pretty flamboyant? like he seriously must be toning himself down HARD

examples:

there’s no tension in his body here as opposed to the eye of the tiger gif. i’d describe it as...generally loose and free? he’s at ease when he moves like that and you can see it.

oh and dude!!! DUDE!!!! how could i not mention the fucking SPECTACLE that is his voice??? jensen. i watched season one. i know where your voice naturally sits. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE. and there have been so many accounts of fans visiting jensen in his trailer and being surprised that his real voice is two octaves higher. again, his performance of masculinity is all encompassing. he can’t even talk normally because, in his mind, that’s a chink in his armour.

and, like you said, anon, this whole smokes-and-mirrors gong show of ‘i am the cool texan man’ is inherently queer. who are you trying to impress??? guys??? that’s pretty gay dude.(btw: gay[honorary])

i feel like i’ve already read this man for filth but i have to keep going bc i have so much to say

ok next thing i’m gonna talk about is how jensen says one thing but everything else about him tells us the exact opposite. another HUGE element of performative masculinity, ONE THAT DEAN WINCHESTER IS A MASTER OF. have i mentioned how dean and jensen are like mirrors of each other when it comes to their sexuality and queer identity??? because it is fascinating how everything i say about jensen also directly applies to dean.

allow me to introduce the grumpy face™. as in, the face he glues on when he’s enjoying doing something but doesn’t want to let anyone know it. and it’s ALWAYS when he’s doing something that could be seen as unmanly in any way. (and when i say manly i mean the ‘ideal’ version of manhood that doesn’t really exist but that jensen seems to be striving for[and dean too])

prime example is this video he did with daneel. the grumpy face™ doesn’t budge the whole time as he’s like,,,,playing an instrument and acting like he doesn’t want to bc i guess that’s too girly??? but i also find this video fascinating because the joke IN it is kind of that they’re both poking fun at him for being so insecure about playing a freaking flute. because, i mean, he gets into it, but he wants you to think he is not.

also this picture.

what is this. i hate them. jensen is smushing himself into misha’s forehead but noooo his face is telling us ‘i hate this’ because CLEARLY he does. also misha’s so happy ew gross

he does that face in photo ops with misha ALL THE TIME but how many times has he also literally asked the con goers if he can also have those photos on his phone too? because of course he actually loves touching misha and is actually a sentimental fool but he tries so hard to hide it and fails so spectacularly.

oh and this. and of COURSE this. actually let’s talk about the hitch kiss for a hot minute because it’s a perfect example of exactly what i’m talking about

(he is so transparent guys. he tries so hard but he’s so obvious.)

1. misha was never supposed to be onstage with him. so it’s a boldface LIE and OBVIOUS PLOY TO GET MISHA TO KISS HIM when he says ‘they’d like us to make out now’. but of course the way he says it is ‘oh my god can you believe what these crazy panel people are making us do haha but i mean what they say goes amirite’. same energy as ‘oh my god did you just dare us to kiss rn???’ ‘....no i didn’t’ ‘oh my god i can’t believe you’d ask that haha but i can’t say no to a dare lol’ it’s the SAME THING

2. the fact that he was in the worst mood before misha came onstage and FAKE KISSING HIM made him feel...SO?? much better? like not just a little better a lot better like, again, that says a lot, because if they weren’t dating he would not be in a better mood if misha kissed his cheek unprompted. bc that cheek kiss wasn’t a joke it was a genuine sign of affection and AHHHH

3. after the kiss happens. you know, the one that jensen actively leans into and is smiling like an idiot the whole time through and is quite clearly having the time of his life during....he says ‘well, that was uncomfortable’. .......my guy. um. i don’t know how to tell you that i do in fact have eyes and you are NOT pulling the fast one you think you are

like i’m so sorry jensen but i have you pegged. it’s literally no use.

god there’s so many instances of him doing this with misha specifically. the whole ‘ew gross lol’ but then everything about him tells us the exact opposite. like this(i hate this. how dare he say ‘he has though, hasn’t he?’ LIKE THAT?????)

so yeah my point with that is he really wants us to think he is one thing when he is the antithesis of what he’s trying to be. he really likes those things that he talks down about, and everything he’s loudly projecting is all to hide how he really feels. he went to a gay bar with daneel, for crying out loud. he wants to play a role in drag. he’s queer and he likes it. pov: you’re jensen ackles train of thought: ‘ok so i really like this thing that people might make fun of me for or call me gay for liking so if i just say ‘lol as if’ and make a grossed-out face they will be FOOLED. i am a genius. hey misha wanna blow on my ear lol i meAN GROSS EW’

i have two more things i want to talk about when it comes to this topic so PLEASE bear with me anon this is why you took so long to answer clearly lmao

ok so we’re now going to go over my favorite hot take of all time. which is ‘how do we know dean’s performing masculinity? because sam isn’t.’ only replace dean with jensen and sam with jared and oh my god do we ever have a case

jared is as STRAIGHT as they come. he is secure in that knowledge. and that’s why he is perfectly comfortable treating misha like this:

and not try to scream ‘i am not enjoying doing this!!!!!!’ at us. because he doesn’t care what we think of his sexuality like jensen does(because he has nothing to hide whereas jensen DOES)

something i found the other day that no one has brought up but i SCREAMED upon finding it is this one clip THAT I CAN’T FIND OH GOD but i promise i’m not making it up. i can’t believe i can’t find it guys it is gold. i need need NEED to talk about it. and if anyone knows what i’m referencing and can apply links in any way i will love you forever but here’s what happens off the top of my head:

ok so i’m a bit too braindead to explain it perfectly but um basically it’s a j2 panel and someone brings up magic mike and i think jared says ‘yeah i didn’t watch it’ and then jensen says ‘all the way through’. stupid joke. whatever. the joke is that jared is gay for watching magic mike.

and then i literally kid you not. jared gets this like ‘jesus christ ok dude? lol’ look on his face and then goes ‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ and jensen gets a guilty look on his face and walks away. and jared did not say it as a joke. he was being dead pan and earnest. and jensen knew it too, he knew he was projecting. i wish i could show you guys the clip i promise if i ever find it i’ll link it but IS THAT NOT SO DAMNING FOR JENSEN????? like come ON. also proves my point that when you compare how they feel about watching magic mike. jared doesn’t care bc watching it just doesn’t interest him, but he also thinks that just watching it in itself doesn’t make you gay. jensen however.......has a different mindset, clearly.

‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ is actually a great title for my next and FINAL section(we’re almost there folks) which is how jensen projects his insecurites about his own sexuality and relationship with misha onto misha.

i hope by now we’ve all seen this video of jensen impersonating cas. it is a blatant microaggression on his part. and like obviously homophobic. it’s like in his mind if he makes fun of them for being gay it makes them both less gay somehow??? it’s self-deprecation in a way??? let’s just tell it like it is: that impression was just jensen’s overt internalized homophobia rearing it’s ugly head. he does it a LOT too when it comes to misha.

i mean:

and that whole mess where he’s making fun of misha for being a bottom in their panel in 2016? ‘so you’re saying, like with football terms, there’s a handler and there’s a receiver heheheehe’ jensen you’re not exempt from being gay just because you know football terms lmao

oh and his OTHER impression of misha where he mocks him for...bicycling...because it’s not a manly enough sport??? jensen NO ONE else has ever thought this hard in their lives about what constitutes as masculine enough to be a sport before. that’s all you bud. we don’t find those jokes nearly as funny as you do. you are reaching, sir

the good news is that misha thinks it’s hilarious and knows it’s projecting on jensen’s part and will tease him endlessly for it. many stories come to mind, like that one photo op story where they’re literally dressed in rainbow banners and pride stickers but when misha goes to hold his hand jensen said something like ‘no way’ and then misha stepped back, put his hands on his hips and went ‘that’s the part that’s too gay for you???’ and jensen LOST it

or when that whole underwear thing happened(messy messY MESSY BTW) and then a fan asked a question about what dean and cas would do in rome and misha just said ‘when in rome’ and jensen makes a face like ‘are you serious’ and then misha says ‘you can’t look at me like that anymore, because of what you did!!!!!!’

OH and that whole story about when misha suggested they put jensen in the closet for that cat video....yeah um

and then when jensen was asked to do bisexual finger guns for a photo op and the con goer said ‘he looks bisexual here’ and misha literally said ‘oh he definitely looks bisexual here. i would say he’s actually closer to the gay side of the spectrum’ so..um...make with that as you will

OH MY GOD i’m finally done. wow. WOW. that was a lot. i hope i’ve blown your minds. ty anon i really wanted to talk about this and i hope you’re happy with the outcome!!!!!!

#cockles ask #sexuality spec #jensen is bi #anti rps for ts #cockles #liz answers #ok i have to admit it is crazy i have retained all this info #i hope someone appreciates it #my analysis #mine

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faultlessfinish · 3 years

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Right from episode one of dndads, there are strong implications that Carol is cheating on Darryl. This is because originally, she was:

{ID: A discord screenshot from 9/24/2019 of reverendanthony, with line breaks from original. so the thing about the carol/darnell thing is i was trying to figure out what darry’s Big Flaw is cause it’s super obvious with the other dads (glenn needs to be a dad not a friend, henry needs to establish boundaries and lay down the law, ron exists) so Darryl initially hit me as this really macho alpha-male bullshit bro guy and so I defaulted to a frankly kind of lazy and problematic thing to try and put that machismo to the ask, which is “my wife is cheating on me” but as matt roleplayed darryl more and it brecame clear that he’s not a one-dimensional arrogant jock guy who is way too full of pride, i tried to shift it to “our marriage is bad and my wife isn’t emotionally available because she doesn’t fel she can talk to me about this stuff” /end ID] Anthony likely also revised the plan because of the massive backlash that Carol was getting from the listenership/fandom. Even Matt mentioned on a Talking Dad that his wife hoped people didn’t think she was Carol. People hated Carol so much, it was truly unreal. Yeah, her tone is not syrup-sweet when she says “I don’t care if you’re having a good time, just find our kid,” but Henry called Darryl an “alpha jock piece of shit bozo” at the top of his lungs around the same time in the story and nobody called Henry a bitch. (The secret ingredient is misogyny!) So Anthony decided to pivot, as described above. In the story, that meant that during the Four Nights arc, Carol left a voicemail revealing that a.) Darnell has a husband and b.) she wants a divorce. In other words, Darnell didn’t start out as gay, but Anthony made him “gay” (gave him a husband) to eliminate the infidelity aspect. That’s version 2.0 of the Wilson marital dynamic: Carol didn’t cheat. From a storytelling perspective, it seems like a significant chunk of listeners didn’t catch the pivot. Maybe because it went by fast, or because they thought “well, having a husband and a good marriage doesn’t preclude Darnell being involved with Carol, bisexuals in open marriages exist” or because they remember the scenes where it was a thing and other characters were alluding to it and didn’t realize it got retconned, who knows. There’s plenty to explore with the basic premise of infidelity in the Wilson marriage as we know it, whether it’s the journey toward accepting that you’ve grown apart from your childhood sweetheart, the pain of acknowledging that it’s time to move on, the challenge every parent faces of being honest with your kids about your emotions and struggles without making them feel like they’re responsible for your emotions and struggles… That said, I don’t think that’s where they were going with Darryl and Carol. Note that in the original setup Anthony describes, it’s not that Darryl would feel let down or betrayed, but that Darryl’s “machismo” would be threatened. The point wasn’t to explore Darryl’s emotional growth, the point was to emasculate Darryl and to see how he would respond to that emasculation. He would be humiliated. He would be a “cuck.” This is not what unpacking toxic masculinity looks like, in my book. But that’s my editorializing. My real point is that this pivot happened in an ambiguous way, but it did happen, and while it’s possibly unclear how or why if you’re only listening to the actual show, clarity on that point - as with so many plot elements - was available behind a paywall. And now here you have it.

#cw misogyny #really just using this space at this point to house my lingering thoughts about this mess #so that i can check them off in my brain as expressed #and thinking out loud #rather than intending to open a discussion

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leonawriter · 3 years

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Dear authors in fandoms writing trans/nonbinary characters (with a lean toward Japanese anime/manga fandoms):

-Characters do not have to be instant experts on what it means to be trans/nonbinary/genderqueer in any way. They can be clueless. They can be at a point in their life where they have no idea what’s up with them, and not have a name for it. they can look stuff up online, or read books, or talk to people. Characters can know as much as possible and be respectful and still be dumbass idiots or assholes in other areas, while other people can be completely ignorant but be very “they got the spirit, though.”

-Please, when writing characters who do know things, don’t make it into a lesson for the person reading. It’s entirely possible that they are already aware of all of this. If they do, they might just skim past. If the character is learning, then they’re learning for their own benefit, not that of the reader.

-Related to the previous two points - keep things in character. Just... look at how they are in the canon work, and no matter if they’re the person with the gender issues themself or a friend, try to make it sound like it’s all in their voice, words and phrases they would use, at all times. It’s very distracting and breaks immersion when a character suddenly starts sounding like a Tumblr post on Trans Issues And You.

-If a character knows the gender identity of another character who isn’t out yet, think about that dynamic. Do they trust each other? How well do they understand the issues here? Does the cis person (assuming they are cis) understand the weight of responsibility to abide by the wishes of the person who is trusting them? If they do out the other person, is it by accident, and if so, what kind of accident would seem believable, and would it be forgiven for, or not? Either way, why? Make sure it’s in character.

There’s also the point of, sometimes people (and characters) can be assholes, and out people on purpose, which is not an accident, or just be plain thoughtless and neglect to think of the consequences of their actions while they think they’re being respectful, which... can also be a dick move. Question is, is that in character? Does it fit with the rest of how they appear in canon, or even how you write them?

-If your fic is set in another country - and this is usually Japan if it’s anime, but this also goes for anywhere really - please make yourself aware of the kinds of language THEY use. Does this country have a problem finding gender neutral pronouns? Are chairs forcibly gendered, or do they sit that one out? Do they use gender neutral pronouns by default? This is important, because it affects the way your characters interact with language, pronouns, and so on.

-Related to the previous point: If they’re speaking, say... Japanese, try to be aware that their pronouns aren’t “he/she/they” but translate closer to “that person” with added qualifiers if necessary. When was the last time you heard about a fandom having perhaps a name, maybe a face, and sometimes even they’re described in Japanese, but until an official release no one knew they were [insert gender here]? It happens a lot. Your Japanese nonbinary character would deal with different issues than an English speaking character.

Likewise, if you’re writing a trans Japanese character, the manner of speaking (and writing) will shift, if she’s trying to be more feminine, or he’s trying to be more masculine. It’s not just pronouns!

-Laws and legality change from country to country. This isn’t just about whether it’s legal to be trans or anything like that, but also how it would be legal, no matter what the current legal status is. For instance, Japan doesn’t have the birth certificate, but they do have the family registry. If you want to make things fit with the culture/setting, even basic research will do.

...A LOT of my irritations with a lot of fandom works are actually about how Westernised and West-centric they are. It’s understandable that an author will write in English and use English puns and so on, but if a fic is set in Japan, then Japan’s issues aren’t our issues, and writing them as if they are feels uncomfortable as a reader.

tl;dr: Keep characters in character and don’t make them sound like they’re reading off a wiki page (unless that’s what they’re actually doing in the story), and be culturally aware and sensitive when writing about characters in countries you aren’t familiar with/haven’t grown up in.

......

...I almost forgot. One last one.

-Don’t equate a character being made trans/nonbinary/etc in your fic or headcanons as a “cool kids club” thing. As in, specifically, “Everyone in this fic is trans, except for [character], who I do not like.” That’s... that’s bad. Don’t.. don’t do that...

Good people can be trans. Complete bastard assholes can also be trans. There is no morality line that says it’s a good or bad person kind of deal. Even if it’s just self-indulgent, be aware that this is the image you give off. If you’re publishing a thing even just to AO3, people are seeing it. Trans people are people. Good, bad, cool, completely uncool dorks, people with “no redeeming features” and people who’d be the fandom darling.

A person you’d hate IRL is just as likely to be trans as a person you’d love.

#fandom stuff #trans stuff #writing tips #from a genderqueer author #after starting to write my own AU where a character is trans I started trying to read more trans fics #I am so tired #some are okay #some are... well #if I've got anything off base or wrong please say so #mostly I just want people to think before they write

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kanohivolitakk · 3 years

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Miserix!

YOOO I was hoping someone would send me Miserix for the ask game. He's one of my favorite characters ever since I was a wee lass yet I almost never talk about him for one reason or another. So this is good opportunity to give my Miserix related thoughts.

Content warning for suicide mention in one of the last points btw.

For starters, I find Miserix to be a rather interesting character. This is due to his backstory of being the disgraced former leader of Makuta who was overthrown by Teri and being exiled, desiring. Miserix has this...certain aura of intrigue and mystery due has this...aura of mystery and superiority surrounding him. He isnt a mysterious character by any stretch of imagination, but he def has a vibe of mystery to him.

I love his design so much...Hes a big large dragon with such a kickass design, can you say no to that. I also love how he was designed by a 12 year old girl.

Speaking of...CAN I JUST SAY I LOVE HOW MISERIX CANONICALLY HAS HIS DEFAULT FORM BEING A GIANT RED DRAGON BECAUSE HE FEELS THAT WILL GIVE HIM A SENSE LF SUPERIORITY (+ he likes dragons and feels comfortable in being a dragon form as such). This is why I love this dragon man so much, talk about a chad.

One of the reasons Miserix sticks with me is because of him being one of the few truly neutral characters in the series. Like sure he is a big angry dragon who hates Teridax and wants it all to be destroyed but I don't necessarily think he's evil per say, just someone whose mind was warped by revenge (and even if youd count him as a villain hes different from most other villains). Helps a lot that the object of his revenge was the main villain by say.

Him being an angry dragon who wants revenge is so fucking cathartic and I love it. Since like, sometimes you just want to go apeshit at those who hurt you, ya know. You Miserix, kill Terry like you want to!! Again what a chad!!!

Miserix is one of the most tragic characters in the series when you dissect him. Like, guy was loyal to his duty and mission, was betrayed by his most trusted lietnuant and then almost killed. And that betrayal and isolation degraded his mind to the point he's jusr a mindless beast who wants revenge at this point. And its so sad, especially when you wonder how much he changed due to these experiences.

Speaking of....I think about pre!exile Miserix a lot. Given how the Miserix we see in canon is...heavily affected by Teridax betrayal I wonder what he was before that. What did he value, how did he operate the Brotherhood? Was he deeply focused in his duty or did he have time for other interests and having meaningful relationships? What was his relationship with Teridax like before the latter betrayed him? What about the rest of the Brotherhood? How much did he change, did he have any values or was he just a mindless rage monster? There's so much room for interpretationand speculation and to headcanon and I love that.

The mainthing I can think of is... Pre!Exile Miserix is very driven by duty. Like, in Mutran Chronicles its made clear how he was very invested in his duty and believed in balance and order. It made him having this sense of ...goodness I guess??? Or at the very least that his arrogance was kept in check unlike the rest of the Makuta.

When I was younger I was very "UWU Miserix was good the other Makuta were evil f*cktwits who betrayed him" for a very long time but honestly rereading Mutran Chronicles made me realize that while he certainly had some kind of moral code he was messed up too (see how he convinced Takadox to act as a spy). Like, Miserix was like, lawful neutral at best (chaotic good if you want to stretch it) Def had a moral code to an extent but was not above shady actions.

Speaking of...I kiiinda ship Miserix/Takadox because of those lines that established Miserix hired Takadox to act as Barraki spy in Mutran Chronicles. Like the way Takadox looked at Miserix with concern when the Barraki were leaving the meeting w the BOM just really made me interested in their dynamic despite the fact we know NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT IT. but the little we know gives so much potential for them to hacing a really interesting dynamic. Its a shame that Takadox yeeted off in FOF before he could interactwith his former emplyoer, it wouldve given interesting insight into the two.

I aggressively headcanon that Miserix was the first Makuta ever created, and possibly one of Mata Nuis first creations [since iirg MN created the Makuta while Great Spirits and Artakha created most of the GSR species ]

As a kid I seriously thought Miserix was a girl for a while because his name + design were kinda feminine for my child mind fsr. Because of this misconception I had of him as a child, I have ended up in headcanoning him as nonbinary (either genderfluid or bigender to be more specific, leaning towards the latter tbh). He would more or less default to he/him pronouns due to being more used to them but wouldn't mind being refered with feminine or genderneutral pronouns. That being said, he would probably be VERY against being refered with it/its pronouns due to seeing it as dehumanizing.

Also on a "baby me saw Miserix design as androgynous" I heavily hc his voice as androgynous too. Angry, low and booming yes, but in a way that doesn't sound too masculine. This is tve main reason I'm mixed on his voice in the Ignition stop motion: its too masculine for my taste (that being said the voice sounds super jnique and I always hcd Miserix having a rather unique sounding voice soo)

Break from headcanons and thoughts to say: MISERIX HAS SOME OF THE MOST BADASS LINES IN THE SERIES. So much of his lines are so badass and he def has a lot of my favorite quotes in series. Just so much confidence and badassness oozing him.

I find the fact Miserix was turned into a painting by Teridax incredibly funny. Also cant believe paintings are canon in Bionicle.

I think about post-canon Miserix a lot. Now that Teridax is dead, what now? Where would he go there? Would he still be rage-filled monster ,now just having no purpose for his rage? Or would he just wander purposlessly,feeling like theres no reason for him to exist? Regardless, there would be this emptiness... At some point Miserix whole existence became fixated on Teridax so like....When Teri died it was kinda..what then. Post canon Miserix is by far one of the more interesting post canon characters given how much it wouldve affected him. Eh, knowing how Greg writes hed either done "Miserix is driven mad/still rage filled" in the laziest way possible, come up some really stupid and convoluted thing that was out of tje blue or have him being killed off by Velika or one of his cronies instead of exploring his character in any meaninful way.

On a related note, can we talk about how its canon that in one universe Miserix loosing his purpose made him so depressed he killed himself? I think about that sometimesand just...man guy really was driven by having a duty and purpose.Again, makes me wonder what happened with prime!timeline Miserix post canon.

All in all ,Miserix is great and criminally underrated. Hes both a character thats incredibly simple(angry dragon who wants to kill Teridax) but has potential for complexity in him thanks to all the potential his story has. His story is a tragic one, being given a duty he was willing to commit to his fullest, only to be betrayed by his kind and casted away, this slowly turning him into a rage-obsessed monster we see today.Miserix is such a great and interesting character, and I wish more of the fandom paid attention to him.

#Ask game #Bonkle Meta askgame #bionicle

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tortoisenottortoise · 3 years

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Am I the only one who likes seeing muscular women in media more than muscular men?

Alright so, this one will probably end up much shorter and a little more ranty than I'd like, but this is kind of personal so be fairly warned.

Recently I've seen a few complaints about the new He-Man show and honestly, I fully understand and empathize with them. Whilst I haven't fully seen the show, from what I've viewed I can personally speaking agree (or at the very least understand) where most criticisms come from. I think it's incredibly shitty that the writer basically lied to his audience about how the show would run. Now normally I'd be fine with a twist such as He-man dying, but he's an important part of the show and the way the marketing & merchandising for it was running kind of comes across as him basically using He-Man's name to get people into the show. I also feel like it's fine to view Teela as obnoxious and annoying, nothing about her personality-wise seems likable to me. I also heard a few complaints about Orko's (I think that's his name, don't crucify me) backstory and how his character was handled.Yet as the title suggests one that didn't stick with me was the criticism of Teela and a general trend towards the criticism of women in media as being "masculine".

I've heard over and over that Hollywood representing strong women by giving them masculine traits is a bad thing and yet... I kind of don't get it? It feels odd to say, almost like I'm the dumbest man alive for admitting something which most people on the internet seem to be so sure about, yet I just don't understand where this is coming from. I've seen this thrown at She-hulk, Wonder Woman, Abby, and many other characters, yet when inquired it usually loops back around to, "Yeah they have muscles", and that's about it. This type of criticism in specific seems to overly focus on the appearance of said characters. It's the one critique I just can't get behind and it feels like at best it's a shallow criticism that fails to get its point across, and at worst it's actively demeaning to women who desire to or show masculine traits. But first, let me break this down into sections.

Section 1: Muscles =/= Masculinity (In my opinion at least)

Oh boy, I feel like this is a section that might rustle some feathers, but I'm going to try and explain myself best as possible. I simply do not view muscularity as a feature that is inherent to or should be inherent to men. I'm not going to pretend as if muscular men aren't more saturated in media and art, nor as if they're societally treated as masculine, but one of the reasons I fail to understand this criticism is that I see muscles beyond the horizons as being just a masculine trait.

I believe that muscles should instead be seen as a sign of hard work and determination. As someone who's currently trying (and struggling) to stay healthy and fit, it's much harder than a lot of media portrays it to be. It's a test where you push yourself to the limits, not just for the sake of doing it, but so you can improve as a person. Whenever I go to the gym and see a muscular gal or guy walk by, my immediate thought isn't, "how masculine" or anything like that my thought is, "wow! They worked hard to get like that, I should work hard as well!".

This interpretation tends to feel like it's just simply taking a piss on people who actively work hard to achieve higher levels of strength. Especially when society places and enforces these unrealistic standards onto people. If you don't have a six-quintillion pack nor can bench press a fucking house then you're worthless, of course, that is unless you actually attempt to pursue said standards which in that case you're automatically dismissed as cheating your way to gaining your muscles instead of putting any work in. And that's just for men who often don't have to deal with traditional idiots who are stuck in the year 1950 where I can't walk on the same street as them. My skin crawls when reading tweets from older men talking about how weightlifting women are "ruining their fertility" and I absolutely hate it when people in my life treat these women as if they're mythical creatures from a fairy tale, or when females who have trained to such a degree are simply dismissed as being inferior.

Obviously, I don't think the people who say this are like that, but whenever I hear this type of critique I can't help but think of the culmination of all these experiences I've gone through. But then again, this might honestly just be because I'm personally attracted to muscular women.

Section 2: Body type diversity

Another reason that I tend to like muscular women in media over muscular men is simply due to the sheer oversaturation of muscular men. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem if anybody likes muscular men. I totally get wanting to shove your face in between some man titties or get inspired by their physiques. In all honesty, almost everything I said earlier can directly apply to men, but one of the reasons I bring up body type diversity is that there tend to be much less muscular women than men. I

f anything, I'd have to say that muscular men are almost treated as the default when it comes to things like superhero comics, movies, video games, anime, etc. In a similar vein, the default for women tends to be slim and curvaceous, you get the drill. Whenever someone who doesn't fit into either body type shows up and isn't treated like a joke/gag or a character to rip on, I can't help but be happy about it. As much as I have no clue wtf is going on with TLOU2, I can appreciate that Abby's portrayal doesn't seem to exist solely as a joke meant to demean women for working out. I'm excited when an anime protagonist is a fat character who can go beyond just being a "fat guy" and is treated the same way a normal person would be.

Regardless of what you think about whatever trait you're criticizing, there's probably someone out there who fits it. If you're not into it or dislike it, then that's fine, but I'd rather have that expressed than it being actively made out as a harmful trope as opposed to just literally another body type that some women have.

Section 3: Muscular women inspire me more

Ok so, we've now blown into a full-on personal experience, buckle up boys, girls, NBs, anything in between, and I feel like I'm forgetting someone so apologies! But yeah, muscular women in media tend to be a lot more inspiring than people seem to give them credit for. This comes down to a mix of both the qualities I outlined earlier in what makes the characters inspiring but also plays into the idea of body diversity.

One of the traits that make amazons seem more inspiring is their inherent rarity/lack of screentime. As I stated earlier, whilst I do enjoy my fair share of man-titties, it kind of gets to a point where it's more depressing than inspiring when all you see is just super-models shoved in your face whenever you walk into a theater. If for every Goku I could find ten other guys who were on the chubbier side then I'd be able to take more from when I see Goku and other characters with his body type, yet it's so saturated that it no longer becomes something to aspire to, but simply the norm. It's not that you can work to become muscular or skinny with hard work and effort, you have to be muscular or skinny unless you want to be deemed a failure. Being chubby often isn't presented as a starting point but just treated as a defect. As someone who spent years battling with my own self-perception, that's just not a good message to get across.

Now, this obviously isn't to say that people can never make muscular characters. After all, it's their story so they can put whatever they want in it. The aim of the game isn't to stop people from making a specific type of character, but to encourage a diverse set of people to make a diverse set of characters. This is the reason why I view muscular women as so inspiring. Instead of coming across as just "the norm" or "the standard" they stand out from the crowd and despite knowing what they have to deal with, are still ready and willing to work out and improve their bodies. They had a goal in mind and set time aside to achieve said goal, that's something I can get behind.

Conclusion:

This will be another short section, but I just wanted to mention it because it caps off my thoughts on this post in general. What originally started as me just not getting the reason why people disliked Teela's design somehow turned into a passionate rant and I'm A) not sure if it fits on this particular subsection of the community, B) scared I'm going to get ripped to pieces, and C) somewhat unsatisfied with all that I said. At the end of the day, this probably won't be seen by too many people, but to those who do see it, I hope you have a wonderful day. I just wanted to talk about something that was near and dear to my heart and hoped that I made it clear why I view things the way I do.

P.S: Can we stop having this double standard where we act like women whose arms show the slightest hint of definition are "unrealistic" whilst men can look like tree trunks and be considered normal and healthy? please and thank you!

#rant post #character rant #please help I'm new to tumblr and a boomer when it comes to tags #tropes #trope discussion

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mourntheantagonist · 3 years

Text

Billy Hargrove’s Exploration Of Beauty

Part 7: When Blue Met Pink

chapter one: joyce

also on ao3

Billy pulled into the parking space outside of Melvald’s with a screech of the tires. The body of the car slightly jerked forward once he finally came to a complete stop just before he would hit the yellow parking block. The right tire sat just outside the white line, a rookie looking parking job to say the least.

With his wallet in one hand, and his keys twirled around the index finder of his other, as he heard the metal pieces clank, he walked through the glass doors into the store. He heard the chime of the opening door ring through the mostly empty space.There were only a few people. An old lady who was carefully inspecting the soup aisle, and a middle aged woman with her toddler son who were walking past the ice cream. The little kid with his hand up in the air, his finger pointed to the tub of rocky road that was barely visible through fogged over glass. He noticed the exhausted eyes of the woman masked by heavy mascara and shadow. “I already said no Daniel.” she sighed. Joyce Byers was at the counter, her elbows resting by the cash register, head propped up in her hands as she stared blankly in front of her with her head tilted in a way that indicated she was thinking about something that the rest of the world just couldn’t comprehend.

He ignored the total three figures that roamed the aisles of the small little corner store, offered a wave and a smile to Mrs. Byers that went completely unnoticed, and got to the task at hand. Not there to pick up some milk or butter like Neil always had him do whenever they ran out, as if he was the one sneaking spoonfuls of butter at two in the morning. No, that was all Max, the fucking weirdo. He also wasn’t there to pick up a pack of cigarettes, though he probably would once he got to the counter, considering the phrase “pack of reds” served as his default greeting to every cashier. He was there, at Melvald’s, at three in the afternoon, like a fucking sap, because he was buying little treats for the boyfriend he had waiting for him at the big house off of 3rd avenue, a movie and hopefully more as their evening plans.

He knew what Steve liked. He hated what Steve liked. But despite his utter disgust over strawberry fruit snacks tainting delicious cheddar cheese popcorn, the smile on Steve’s face whenever he tossed a new box of Sunkist Fun Fruits at him was worth the effort of sifting through the bowl. He located the snack aisle and picked out the familiar yellow and red box, along with some Orville Redenbacher. The time on the clock overhead read only a quarter after three, and Steve wouldn’t be home from dealing with the nerd herd until at least a quarter ‘til, so with his extra time, he continued to browse.

He picked up a couple of other things. A box of Twinkies so he could make some of his favorite jokes, some Ho Hos so Steve could make some of his. The basket was slowly filled to the brim with junk food, indicative of a truly wild night ahead of him.

On his way to the refrigerated section to scope out the drinks, the glimpse of a carefully assorted rainbow of colors stopped him in his tracks. It’s a small section, no more than two and a half feet in diameter, but at almost the instant he recognized the familiarly shaped bottles on display, he went on complete pause. There was nobody anywhere around him, no sound of nearing footsteps, so he let himself stand there and ponder. Let himself imagine just reaching out and touching something on display as he kept his eyes averted, locked straightforwardly toward the cases of beer behind translucent refrigerator doors. He just stared blankly, with an inner attempt to form some reasonable excuse to be a man who was looking at makeup.

“Oh, Max asked me to pick it up for her.”

He settled on that one.

And turned his head.

He was just going to look. That was all.

There held a whole magnitude of various beauty products, from polishes, to moisturizers, to lipsticks…

That rosy pink stared right back at him like it was screaming at him to pick it up. To look. To swatch. To taste. To feel that velvety cream cover his lips. A tint similar to that of his own lips but just more… pretty. Smooth and elegant and airbrushed. “Soft matte look,” it read.

He wanted it.

He wanted to add it into the basket of goodies he’s already collected as another treat for himself. Maybe a treat for Steve if he decides he likes it.

They discussed it in the past in a very, tip-toed around the subject kind of way. Steve gently held his hand in his as he applied a light pink varnish, similar to that of the lipstick shade, onto his nails. Steady hands perfectly coated the area without any sign of streaks or rough edges. They’d reached a point where that was routine, a little thing Billy could have of himself while they were alone together. Another thing they could add onto the list. It was something Billy felt just a little bit of safety around taking with him that one time. When the night had gone so perfectly with hot cocoa by the furnace, and the added bonus that Neil wouldn’t be home to inspect his appearance, he said no to the cotton balls and acetone and the clear coat replacement and instead let color coated nails remain under the cloak of his jacket pockets. He was on cloud nine as he walked through the door of his own house with concealed hands and no questions asked. He locked the door to his room and allowed himself to stare down at his hands. Fingers splayed against his bedding looking at how the pink contrasted with the blue of his sheets, and he felt an overwhelming sense of contentment and a little dash of pride.

That same night, while his nails were going from bland to bold, Steve popped the question like it held no weight at all. Like it was just a casual sort of thing used to fill the silent gaps.

“Have you thought about wearing makeup at all?”

He didn’t even look at him when he said it, completely enthralled in the way the bristles contacted the nail, so he didn’t see Billy's eyes widen like saucers. However, he did notice as the hand in his hold began trembling.

Steve ever so slightly tightened his grip to help reduce the shaking, his eyes angled up at Billy finally, the painting temporarily discontinued. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked.

No. Yes? The thing was, with Steve’s first question, the answer was yes. He had thought about it. All the damn time. Like a woodpecker pecking away at his skull, he thought about it. Every time he saw a woman with a shimmer on her eyes, black in her waterline, a shine to her lips, a rosy tint to her cheeks… he felt unbridled envy. He wanted to feel the way they felt. Billy wanted powder to clog his pores and give his face a uniform color. Become a blank slate. He envied that soft and smooth and gentle and pretty appearance.

He found himself on more than one occasion sneaking into the master bathroom where Susan had kept all of her make up. Too scared to touch it, he would just look at it. Try to psyche himself up to reach for that little tube of Mary Kay mascara and shove it into his pocket before the rumble of the truck outside would shake the house.

Instead he would slam the drawer shut and rush back to his room and forget it even happened as he bit away at his clear coated nails. He’d fall back onto his pillow and let his eyes fall shut. He would let the darkness consume him into a dream where he didn’t have to be afraid to add volume to his already long lashes or add a tinted gloss to his lips. He’d enjoy the free feeling for as long as it would last.

So yeah. He thought about wearing makeup.

He didn’t tell Steve that though. Instead he chose to only respond to the second question. Because some things were just a little too hard to say out loud. Some things were a little too foreign.

As much as Billy wanted to bridge that gap between femininity and masculinity, he also had every desire to keep them separate. To push away all of those urges to wear lacy lingerie and silk panties. Keep his hair short, face and nails bare and unkempt. Smell of sweat and hard work like a man. “I’m fine.” he said in lieu of the complete truth. It didn’t feel or sound like a lie when he said it. But later on he figures out that it definitely was.

They had that conversation already, but it didn’t keep those thoughts from lingering. His mind was boggled with confusion about who he was and what he liked and the additional bafflement over how simple it all was to Steve.

So simple in fact that he said the most perfect thing as if it was just another instinctual flick of the tongue.

“Well I can bet you’d look real pretty with lipstick.”

It was said like he wants it. Not just for Billy’s sake, but his own, and that right there felt amazing.

That was the first night he finally let his hands sift through that drawer of Susan’s and sneak away a couple of items. Susan and Neil had yet to arrive home from their trip into the city so Billy was safe. He had painted nails that felt like a shield. When he held the tube of mascara, the nude bullet lipstick, and the only bottle of polish he could find in his own hands, he felt completely untouchable.

He locked himself in his own room and stood in front of his makeshift vanity. Tossed the stolen objects into the mess of cologne, hairspray, and cigarette ash. He just studied himself for a moment. Hunched over taking deep and shaky breaths, in and out. Every logical thought in his mind was shouting at him to go put it back. To put it somewhere other than his room. That dreadful thought that just its temporary occupancy in his room would be easily detected by Neil, even if he chucked it out of his window right then, scared him. It was all too risky to be doing in his own house, yet he still twisted open the cap of the mascara and pulled out the wand.

It was in that moment that Billy had no fucking clue what he was doing. Didn’t even know where to begin.

He just closed it right back up, slipped it underneath a stack of records, and moved on. He twisted open the lipstick only to be met with a very light shade. Lighter than his own skin color. Applied to his lips it just looked absolutely ridiculous. It didn’t give him that pop of vibrancy he envied in the women he saw. It made his lips feel more sunken in and lifeless, rather than big and beautiful.

And he already knew he hated the nail polish. He didn’t even have to apply it. It was a rust color, like a dirty orange. Billy hated the color orange, and mixing it with brown didn’t fucking improve it.

It was all a total bust. A complete waste of his energy. With his sleeve he wiped the lipstick from his lips and stowed away the rest of the contraband. He went to bed feeling extra shitty, the despair of empty darkness was the only thing included in his night.

He stopped letting himself think about makeup since that night. All it achieved was making him feel disappointed and just... bad. No other way to describe it.

But it all came flooding back when he saw the display. Not the bad feelings, the good ones, the ones he had in his dreams. The feeling of completion that couldn’t be realized with the makeup Susan guilt purchased off of a friend’s “growing small business.” There was a little hope growing in the pit of his stomach as he let himself peruse the many options at his disposal. A little bit of hope that maybe he just didn’t have the right stuff.

He just held the pink lipstick in his hand. He debated between dropping it into the basket or hanging it back up on the hook. Twiddling it in between his fingers, he let his mind race to many different places. Emotions of fear and joy clashed in his mind, like he couldn’t have one without facing the other.

But fear wasn’t dependent on joy. Because a small woman cleared her throat next to him and, surely enough, the only thing he was feeling at that moment was complete terror. Not an ounce of happiness to be seen.

It was Joyce Byers.

Well shit.

“Whatcha got there?” she asked, neck craned to the left to make out what he had tightly clasped between his fingers.

“It’s for Max.” he said, too assuredly. Like it was clearly a prepared statement, the lie obvious in the pitch of his voice.

“Really? Max doesn’t strike me as a makeup girl.” It’s not really accusatory, not necessarily. But he could hear it. That ever so slight undertone in her voice that had disbelief written all over it. Her head was cocked just like it was when he first walked into the store, and it felt like she was reading him like a goddamn open book.

Billy couldn’t seem to find the words, unsure how to defend himself in the situation he was completely unprepared for. Stood there in silence as he let the words filter through his brain, waiting for the right ones to pop up in front of him, but they never did. He never really knew how to talk to older women other than through excessive and overdone flirtation.

“What shade did you pick?”

With no other choice in his immediate thoughts, he handed the lipstick tube over. She slowly took it away from his slightly too tight of a grip. She had a slight smile when she pulled off the cap to see the rose colored tip slowly rise out as she twists the bottom of the silver tube.

“This is pretty, though I think a shade like this would complement a skin tone more like your own. Wouldn’t you agree?”

That was the invitation, right there in that subtle little nod. She made eye contact with him before she quickly turned her eyes downward at his hands. the same hands that were nervously chipping away at dried, hideous, rust colored nail polish that he painted just before he left as a little surprise for Steve. Even though he hated the color, even though his right hand looked much better than his left. Ambidexterity was not something in his wheelhouse. He immediately stuffed his one free hand into his pocket, and tossed the other one that was currently holding his basket of groceries behind his back. As if she hadn’t already seen. She’d figured him out like some elementary math problem. The lipstick and the nail polish was just a 2 + 2 = 4 kind of situation.

“I don’t - this isn’t…” He couldn’t get a full sentence out because he really had no clue as to how to deny it, and there’s also a weird feeling that he loathes where he’s not sure he even wants to. She was just Joyce Byers. His only connection to the woman had a pretty long chain. Steve’s ex’s boyfriend’s Mom. Or Max’s friend’s Mom. Nothing direct. Nothing so close that he had to truly fear. Additionally, she was being nice? She wasn’t doing the things he’d always expected people to do. She wasn’t spewing slurs or making fun. There was a genuine motherly interest in the way she asked for the color that wasn’t completely foreign, but it was something so far away in his past that it might as well have been.

His face got red from just his own natural blush. His heart was racing, beating out of his chest until he could hear the blood pumping in his ears. He felt like he’s being submerged under water until there was a small, cold hand pulling at his own.

“Come with me.” she says, her voice soft and planned. Billy just let her guide him, giving up and giving in to the little temptation to let someone else inside of the little sanctuary he built for himself. Even if all it was was just a small little glimpse into Billy’s secret world he’d only just begun exploring. He had so many things left to discover, things he wouldn’t find if he let his fear and shame dictate everything.

Joyce led him into the compact supply closet in the back of the store. They’re surrounded by shelves filled with boxes and various miscellany. He felt slightly suffocated in the small enclosure, but simultaneously a weird feeling of warmth in the way Joyce smiled at him. A soft upturn of the corners of her mouth, lips still sealed but the sincerity clear in the brightness of her eyes and the slight rise of her brows.

“What were you looking to get?” she asks. Unspecific yet specific. She left a name unattached to the end of the question on purpose to give Billy the opportunity for an out, if he wanted to deny the thing they both knew to be true.

“Lipstick? Gloss maybe? I don’t - I’m not sure I…”

After taking the full basket from his hands and setting it onto the floor, Joyce took his hands into her own again.

“It’s okay, y’know, if it’s not for Max.”

She was so straightforward. She just got right to the point without it feeling like an attack. Just strode right in with unwavering acceptance and affirmation. Letting him know that it was okay.

He looked at Joyce and saw his mom. Not the mom who abandoned him with Neil, but the mom who did things like this. The one who would cradle him after a nightmare and who told him he was destined for greatness. The one who encouraged him to be himself even when his father had other ideas.

“You know who you are. Nobody else gets to say differently.” she’d tell him when his father forced him into baseball and threw out his stuffed animals. Neil would go on to replace the keepsakes that represented softness with model cars and legos. It was just an act of toughening him up and preparing him to become a man at the ripe old age of seven. He was reminded daily of his role as a man in society with little tests just to make sure he stayed in line.

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Red.” he’d say, when he wanted to say purple.

He’d get berated when he cried when he got hurt.

“If you want to cry I’ll give you something to cry about,” Neil would say, as he stuck a hydrogen peroxide saturated cotton ball into the open wound.

Billy’s Mom never did that. Always warned him about the sting and rubbed his arm the whole way through. Preaching the opposite of everything his Dad would say. “It’s okay to cry, honey. Just let it out.”

His Mom was beautiful. He loved to sit in the bathroom and watch her as she put on her makeup. He’d seen the way her mouth dropped open when she applied mascara to her eyes, the way she smacked her lips together after she swiped on her favorite red lipstick... he wanted to be just like her.

He’d stolen from her once, and it didn’t end well. It was just a red lipstick. He was caught, almost literally, red handed. When his father had barged into his bedroom without so much as a knock, the red on his lips turned into red elsewhere. It was a mistake he learned never to repeat.

After all that, there he was, in a store where he listened to a woman tell him that all of the things he was raised to believe were far from okay, were perfectly okay. With Steve’s voice in his head echoing that of his Mom’s and Joyce’s, he let himself actually believe it this time.

“Thanks.” Billy said. It’s the closest thing he’ll get to an admission. He can’t outright say it, but in the way her smile widened before she turned around, he knew she understood.

“So,” she said, “–I have some product we can’t sell because the seals were broken. They’re still perfectly fine if you would like them.” She pulled a couple of things from the box on the lower shelf. The same lipstick he’d held out in the store along with a clear gloss, a small eyeshadow palette, some face powder and mascara. A full face worth of makeup moved from the palms of her hands into his own, accepting them with a nod of his head and the sniffle of someone trying to hold back tears.

“Are you sure?” he asked. A question with multiple meanings. All of which Joyce seems to pick up on. She pulled him into a tight hug. A warmth encompassed him all around that made him feel so overcome and just… good. Joyful and free like a painful growth was painlessly removed along with the truth’s reveal.

“Yes. I’m sure Billy. It’s okay.” An answer with multiple meanings.

They both exit the small closet, it felt like a metaphor for something. He headed up to the counter to buy his items, and Joyce began scanning his things when she got another smile on her face.

“Special occasion tonight?” she asked.

“Yeah. I got a hot date.” Not a lie.

She laughed a little before she punched the keys on the register.

“Anything else I can get for you Billy?”

Billy smiled.

“A pack of Reds.”

- : -

When Billy pulled into the driveway of Steve’s house he barged right in through the front door. He held the paper bag close to his chest and he shouted an “I have arrived!” that echoed up the stairs and all the way up to Steve’s room. Billy could hear the springs of Steve’s bed before he got up and rushed down the stairs to greet him with a little peck on the lips, immediately taking the bag from Billy’s hands to begin the formal review of his selections.

Steve set the bag onto the coffee table and began to sift through all of the things Billy bought. He tossed the cigarette pack at Billy with aggressive force before going right back into the bag.

The real surprise laid close to the bottom of the bag, hidden beneath the Twinkies and the popcorn and all the other junk food that had Steve beaming. Food was truly the easiest way to Steve’s heart.

Billy stood there tapping his foot and grabbing at his hands behind his back as he waited for Steve to see all the other things he got, to give him that little reaction he always knew would be positive, no matter the voices in his head that told him otherwise.

He seemed to have reached the bottom of the bag when he stalled. He just stared into the bottom of the brown paper bag, the table already covered in scattered candy and snacks, the only things left in the bag were the gifts from Joyce.

“Please tell me you’re going to put this on tonight.” Steve finally turned to look at him with an absolute ridiculous smile on his face. His mouth and eyes couldn’t possibly get any wider than they were right then. He seemed so fucking excited and it all radiated straight into Billy, and all he could do was walk up to him and kiss him. Billy pulled Steve’s face with both hands and practically consumed him like he was one of those Hostess desserts. Two untameable smiles pressed up against each other.

Billy reached for the tube of lipstick out of the bag and held it in between the two of them, he asked, “Are you going to help me put it on?”

Billy was wrong. Steve’s smile could get wider. Steve took Billy by the hand and sat him down on the couch, taking the bag with him as he straddled Billy’s lap.

“You know what you’re doing pretty boy?” Billy asked. He pushed Steve’s hair behind his ears as he looked up at him in awe. He relished in Steve’s excitement that was perfectly matching his own. It was all he could ever ask for.

“Yeah,” he said, “I’ve seen Nancy do it enough times.” Billy rolls his eyes at the mention of her name. Steve poked him in the face, causing Billy's face to scrunch. “Oh get over it Billy, I am.”

Billy was already shaking with anticipation and just wanted to get on with it without the mention of Steve’s former girlfriend. “Just shut up. Make me the prettier one.”

“Oh you already are, gorgeous.”

Steve twisted open the lipstick and carefully held Billy’s chin up so he was looking directly at him. With a steady hand and a soft touch, the smooth cream brushed against his lips and coated them to perfection. No overdrawn lines or transferring to his teeth, the color suited him so well, just a soft pink just slightly darker and more vibrant than the color of his own. It made his lips look bolder and fuller than they already were.

“Now look straight forward for me,” Steve said before he reached into the bag for another piece of product. “–and raise your eyebrows.” Steve twisted and pulled the wand from the metallic gold tube, the black bristles looked like spider legs. “Okay, hold still.”

“I swear to God Steve, if you poke me in the fucking eye–”

“Have some faith in me, damn!”

Fortunately for both Billy and Steve, none of the black goopy liquid found its way into Billy’s eyes. There was only a minor sting that, with time, he could easily see himself get used to. The sensation was followed by the feeling of soft bristles going in circles around his cheeks. Steve had asked him to smile for the application, but that wasn’t the reason he was doing it. The look of focus in Steve’s eyes along with the slight exposure of the tip of his tongue through his mostly sealed lips had sent Billy reeling.

Steve leaned back to get a complete view of his work. “Wow, I’m good.”

“Okay, hot shot,” Billy said with a nudge to his shoulder, “show me then.”

In a moment of surprising strength, Steve hoisted Billy up and over his shoulder by the grab of his ass. Billy’s stomach had come to rest right on the point of Steve’s shoulder, which sent him into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. His voice fluctuated and bounced with each step Steve took down the hall toward the bathroom. Billy clung to Steve’s shirt, hiking it up past the midpoint of his as he did so.

“Oh my god! Put me down!” he laughed.

Billy’s legs flailed, with the result of a knocked over a lamp and a bruised ankle from the abrupt contact with the doorframe.

“Ow!”

“Sorry!”

Steve sat Billy on the edge of the sink, his face still faced away from the mirror. They were still coming down from their laughter when Billy, seemingly having forgotten about the makeover that he had just been given not even a full minute ago, leant down in an attempt to lay one right onto Steve.

“Hey, don’t ruin it before you even see it!” Steve pushed him back away from him and then helped him down from the sink and with a comforting grip of Billy’s biceps, he turned him around. “See? it looks so good on you!” Steve stood behind Billy with his hands trailing down to his waist, head over his shoulder, looking at him like he was his brilliant creation. Steve Harrington’s masterpiece, his most prized possession. “Wait right here, I got you something.”

Left alone in the bathroom, Billy was able to just let himself stare. Let himself lean in close to the mirror, his nose nearly touched the glass as he studied the tint to his lips, the definition to his lashes, the slight pink to his cheeks... It was the first time he ever looked at himself, like really looked at himself, and saw someone pretty. He truly believed it this time.

Steve came back with a bag of his own. It was a small bag with a French name on the side of it Black, and elegant, and Billy already had an idea of what’s inside. The day just kept on getting better. Billy tore the tissue out of the bag, and pulled the pieces of fabric out. It was a dust rose garter belt with stockings, panties, and a bralette, a perfect match for his lips. The lace was so sheer and the baroque floral patterns were so elegant he wanted nothing more than to just put it on right there. Strip himself down to the bare essentials and allow the openwork to protect him.

“You think you wanna give me a fashion show?” Steve asked, pulling the sleeves of Billy’s jacket down over his shoulders. Billy smiled and pushed Steve gently out the bathroom door and shut it right in his face.

He wasted no time putting it on. The way the fabric sat on his hips and his chest felt almost like it was tailored specifically to him. Enough room in the crotch area while also perfectly hugging his hips. The stockings squeezing his thighs just the perfect amount. There was no uncomfortable overhang in the bralette. He had never felt more comfortable wearing anything before. The pink on tan skin, the emphasis on every curve of his. He felt so soft and pretty and almost totally complete. He was just missing one thing.

Billy strutted out of the bathroom with a genuine conviction he’d never had before. There was no fear this time, no tears. Just pure elation at the prospect of Steve seeing him like this. Loving the way he looks in lingerie and makeup. Loving him for who he is and thinking he’s still hot. Still sexy and attractive.

“Holy shit you look fucking amazing baby.” Steve slowly walked toward him. He took in the whole view, committing the entire sight to memory because it was absolutely glorious. “I hope you aren’t mad,” he began, his hands finding Billy’s hips. “but I had my Mom pick it up while she was in Paris. I found out they make men’s lingerie there and I wanted you to have something special. She doesn’t know who it was for, but she knows I’m dating a guy now.”

They had never really discussed the topic of coming out. It felt like something that didn’t need to be said. Telling people was something so far off the radar of possibility that Billy felt a creeping sensation of absolute dread before he was finally able to open up his mouth to speak.

“And she was okay with it?”

Steve smiled and bowed his head just slightly. “Surprisingly, yeah. She was the one who wanted to pick something up for you. So I jumped on the chance.”

“Does your Dad know?” Steve laughed and shook his head.

“God I hope not. His brain would probably explode.” Billy pulled Steve in by the hold of his cheeks, and let their foreheads touch while they stared deep into each other’s eyes. Steve’s hands traced up and down the curves of Billy’s body, fingers dragged against the lace and their smiles were uncontrollable. “I’m sorry, I should have asked you first.”

“Hey,” Billy’s voice was soft, “I’m happy for you.” Steve's sigh of relief was hot against Billy’s mouth. “And thank you, for this.” he said before the distance between them was finally closed and lips were pressed to lips, pink color smeared all over each other’s faces.

The only thing better than wearing that lipstick was having Steve ruin it.

next part

#harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #stranger things #fanfic #mandi writes tresh

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wonderwomanfantasy · 4 years

Text

tease me like you love me

I’m in an angsty mood so be prepared I guess.

Alpha!Kirishima x Beta! reader

word count: 2,500 (about)

warnings: angst self-hate, flirting, A/B/O dynamics, My Mina love really popped out in this one I’m sorry,

Summary: you know how this story goes, the big strong alpha falls for the meek and cute omega, but you were just a Beta, and not really sure how you fit into that story especially when you want the Alpha for yourself. Maybe life really does have a plan for you, and maybe that plan just doesn’t include Kirishima.

Kirishima had first met you at the UA entrance exam, both of you locked in the same zone huddled around the large doors waiting for them to open and the test to start. you were fidgeting with the sleeves on your shirt looking small and nervous. He probably wouldn’t have even noticed you if you hadn't been standing right next to him.

He tried not to stare at you, but he did. Kirishima was sure that you had a powerful quirk, you wouldn’t be standing here otherwise, but he just couldn’t help but wonder if you would be okay. Kirishima decided he would keep an eye on you and protect you if you ended up needing his help. He smiled to himself, that’s what a real man would do.

He had just recently presented as an Alpha and he had never been more thrilled. not that there was anything wrong with being a Beta, or an Omega he was just happy to have a concrete label for himself that seemed to fit perfectly.

Even though he had promised himself to watch after the small Beta girl that had caught his eye he only saw you once. You held two robots, one in each hand, and cracked the heads of the machines together breaking them both. Superstrength? He wondered before snapping out of his daze and suddenly remembering he was in the middle of a fight. a good thing he remembered right then too, otherwise, a robot would have taken his head clean off. He was glad to see you were holding your own, fighting bravely even. Selfishly he hoped this wouldn’t be the last time he saw you.

The two of you ended up in 1-A together and because of your quirks the two of you were often paired together, wich, Kirishima didn’t hide his excitement about. You were perfect and he didn’t want to spend a second of his life away from you, even if that was an unrealistic dream.

Kirishima didn’t know much about girls, less about Omegas and Betas but the way his inner Alpha purred whenever you were near, he knew you were something special. ‘Soulmates’ were just a children's story, he knew that there was no way that there was someone truly meant for him, he was just a silly kid with a crush. Kirishima was a romantic at heart and in the back of his mind, he held on to that sweet idea being true.

Kirishima did his best to get on your good side, he always remembered to greet you in the mornings and smile at you in the hallways. You would smile shyly back and his heart would flutter. You were too cute for this world. He made it his goal to get close to you, if only he knew just how much he already meant to you.

You were completely infatuated with the red-haired Alpha. his scent alone was enough to make your heart jump. He was kind, strong, and easily the most handsome boy you had ever seen.

Every time he was even in the same room as you, you became tongue-tied barely able to squeak out a word to him. Wich, Kirishima never really minded. He was chatty enough for both of you. but, as much as you liked him you knew it wouldn’t work out. He was an Alpha, he wanted some cutesy little omega to faun over and spoil. not a Beta like you. you really should just cut your losses and accept him as a friend.

You couldn't help the spike of jealousy when you looked at your Omega classmates, some of whom had to be pinning after your Alpha. You wondered hopelessly if he was in love with any of them, but you weren’t close enough to ask him those sorts of questions.

Still, he was eager enough to spend time with you, and you couldn’t resist him at all. you already knew your reply would be a firm yes every time he invited you to eat lunch with him or train with him.

Your quirks were good together both of you able to test your limits when you trained. there was only one small problem every time his big hands wrapped around your waist to throw you across the ring your breath stopped and you were unable to resist him. you went limp in his grasp, your instincts defaulting to him every time. It was infuriating, you didn’t have this problem when you spared with Todoroki, a much more formidable alpha. knowing the reason behind your mental block didn’t make this any less infuriating.

Kirishima was frustrated but for a completely different reason. He just wanted to court you, this shouldn’t be this difficult. He knew that you probably wouldn’t react well to being courted like an omega, so he tried researching how to court Betas- which returned nothing. the closest thing he found was another Alpha asking the same question, the only answer they got was Betas don’t need courting, just ask them on a date or to be your partner and that should work out.

Kirishima couldn’t believe that. There had to be more, scentings, gifts, acts of service, something. He couldn’t just ask you out without any preamble, what if you said no? He would figure something out to butter you up so you would fall for him the same way he had fallen for you.

Kirishima’s fears were confirmed the very next day. He had just been walking from the school to the dorms when he heard your timid voice. his feet carried him to where you were before he could even think about it. You stood awkwardly in front of the boy as he stumbled over his words.

“I’m sorry,” you started. “you seem like a really nice guy, but I can’t go out with you,” you explained,

“Why?” he demanded

“There is someone else,” you told him your eyes firmly fixed on the top of your shoes. The boy nodded stiffly before running away. an ugly sinking feeling settled in Kirishima’s stomach, at least his suspicion that he couldn’t just ask you out was confirmed. the jealousy made his skin prickle, the idea of someone other than him was borderline insufferable. You turned and started making your way towards him and he quickly through on a happy go lucky smile.

“Hey (y/n)!” he called cheerily, startling you. your face paled as you wondered how much of that he had just seen. He pretended that he had just stumbled across you. “Headed back to the Dorms? I’ll walk with you,” he offered. you smiled and nodded, falling in step beside him. He didn’t want to give you up so he would just have to prove he was the better option, after all, he had never minded a challenge.

You had spent the last few days avoiding Kirishima. Not that you wanted to spend less time with him, but if you didn’t avoid him you were worried your heart would give out. You had no clue what had gotten into him all of a sudden but it was overwhelming. he offered you his coat when you forgot yours, supprised you with little snacks and small trinkets, helped you clean the kitchen even though it wasn’t his night. It was sweet, but too much, especially when he refused to let you return the favor. These weren’t things a friend would do, but he couldn’t be flirting right? So you had been avoiding him, Denki had also made a comment on how weird Kirishima was acting so maybe this was some Alpha thing and he was doing this to all his friends, you decided to leave him alone until he got it all out of his system.

Of course, things had not gone as planned. it was movie night and you had ended up sitting right next to Kirishima, Shoji on the other side of you squishing you further into the Alpha’s side. wich wasn’t to say it was unpleasant. Kirishima was warm and smelled like sandalwood and vanilla. Masculine yet welcoming. His arm was resting on the couch back behind your head, almost around your shoulders. it was nice being so close to him but again, not good for your heart. you wondered if he could hear the pounding thunk thunk thunk sound it was making.

Kirishima couldn’t hear your heart, but he could see how red your face was. you were cute when you blushed. He was practicing some serious self-control himself right now. He wanted to slip his arm around your waist and pull you flush against him. He had given up on the gift idea as that only seemed to make up uncomfortable, may be small acts of physical affection would work better. although even that was risky, his rut was close, he might go overboard if he wasn’t careful.

Neither of you paid close attention to the movie. Both of you too excited about sitting next to the other to pay attention to anything else. Most people have fallen asleep, leaving you in relative solitude. Even though Shoji had left, leaving the small couch to the two of you, you had hardly moved from Kirishima’s side as though you hadn’t noticed.

You flicked your eyes to Kirishima without a real purpose and saw that he was looking right back at you, at your shoulder more specifically. “what are you staring at?” you whispered pulling him from his thoughts rather abruptly.

“Sorry you have a mole on your shoulder, I just noticed it,” he answered matching your quiet tone looking embarrassed. you tensed wondering why he had noticed something so small, he seemed to sense it.

“oh god, that makes it sound creepy. My mother used to tell me that moles mark the spot where your soulmate kissed you the most in a past life- see look I have one here on my wrist,” he explained showing you his own mole. Though that was the story he had first thought of when he had seen the beauty mark that wasn’t what he was thinking about when you caught him staring. Kirishima stared back down at your shoulder and wondered again what it would be like to kiss you there, reclaim the skin that had certainly been his in a past life.

“I just- that’s kind of a weird place to kiss right? I was thinking reasons you might get shoulder kisses that’s all,” he whispered subconsciously licking his lips. a shudder ran down your spine. the way he purred the explanation into your ear and licked his lips while looking at you really made it seem like he wanted to eat you alive right there on the couch. The scary part was, that if he pounced on you right now, you wouldn’t fight back or even scream. If Kirishima wanted to sink his teeth into you, you would let him.

“well- I think your wrist mole is kinda weird too,” you distracted him mostly to get his attention off of you.

“I mean why not kiss your knuckles? that’s easier to reach then your wrist,” you pointed out he smiled

“are you saying that you would rather kiss my fingers? good to know,” he teased, laughing even while you batted playfully at his chest

“that isn’t what I said and you know it,” you huffed you face burning with embarrassment. you weren’t sure if you wanted to run away or stay and see how all of this sudden flirting played out.

“then where would you kiss me?” he asked. for several long pauses before he filled the silence.

“Personally, I’d go fo your ear, I’m sure you would make some pretty noises if I bit at the lobe, or ran the tip of my tongue over the shell,” his hot breath fanned over your neck and ear making you wonder if he was going to follow through on that fantasy. you couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m too tired to think, I’ll tell you in the morning.” you squeaked wriggling out of his embrace. He smiled the same warm smile that he always did.

“Okay Sleep tight I’ll be waiting!” he said jovially. not at all the smooth purr he had been speaking in a second ago. It was like a switch had been flipped turning him from a dangerous predator back to the cheerful friend you were more accustomed too.

It was only when you got back to your room when you realized that Kirishima’s scent was not only still surrounding you but actually emanating from you. you knew that he had probably scented you on accident but the action still made your knees weak. you fell on your bed, Kirishima’s scent getting caught on your pillow and sheets. you fell asleep quickly and dreamed of all the places you could kiss Kirishima. His jaw, His Addams apple. His wrist.

You woke up refreshed and almost buzzing. you hadn’t been this excited to get up for school in a long time. on one hand, you couldn’t wait to see Kirishima and tell him that you had decided on his neck as the place to kiss. On the other hand, you had no idea how you were going to force those words out. Still, His scent that clung to your hair and skin gave you a little more self-confidence. like maybe this one-sided romance wasn’t so one-sided and an Alpha like him had really fallen in love with a Beta.

you made your way down to the kitchen all but skipping when you saw a familiar head of red hair. He must have just woken up, his hair was around his shoulders instead of up in the usual spikes. perfect, he would be off guard and be extra embarrassed when you reminded him of last night's events. you started to sneak up on him when you saw who he was talking to. Mina was looking at him through low lashes. you froze in your tracks and listened closely.

“So your rut is soon isn’t it?” she asked trying to sound casual but still coming off as flirty.

“Yeah too soon I’m going to have to miss class tomorrow,” he complained through a yawn.

“well if you need help just let me know okay?” she offered and your heart sank. Mina was an Omega and closer with Kirishima than any other girl in class, you mentally kicked yourself for not seeing this coming.

“ah, thanks, Mina but I think I’ll be fine on my own,” he rebuffed gently. she shrugged taking the rejection in stride

“If you change your mind you know where to reach me,” she giggled before leaving. your previous giddiness replaced with a sick hollow feeling. it all made sense. Kirishima wasn’t into you he was just close to his rut and was willing to get with anything with a pulse, you just happened to be too close at the wrong time. If you brought up the flirting he would probably just apologize for it. and why would he want you? when he had a beautiful omega like Mina throwing herself at him. you waited until Kirishima had his back turned and you speed past him, sure that if he caught your attention you would start crying.

His warm scent still surrounded you although it wasn’t comforting anymore, just a reminder that Kirishima was just another Alpha who was a slave to his hormones and just another person who didn’t really love you.

by popular demand a part two

#alpha kirishima #kirishima x reader #kirishima smut #Kirishima Eijirou #bnha kirishima #kirishima imagine #imagine kirishima #my hero academia #my hero acadamy #my hero academia imagine #my hero academia abo #my hero academia head cannon

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theelliottsmiths · 4 years

Note

hello fren, can you rant about paul being sweet, cute, loveable and funny? tusen takk

Yes. I think @liebeistfueralleda also suggested this?

Have you ever noticed how protective and concerned over Till's physical well-being he gets? In the Rosenrot making of you can see when they're filming the beating up Till scene that he's trying to be gentle and after a little while just kind of... Vaguely jostles him? He also goes almost as hard as Till during the whipping scene, almost as if he's trying to be in that intense moment with him as well as exorcise his own demons and make Art and be able to hold how badass he is over everyone's heads. In the Mutter making of he gets annoyed that the director had Till in a freezing lake and out in the ground, stating that Till doesn't speak up for himself and will just do what he's told once things are decided. In the Ich Tu Dir Weh making of he expresses concern over the hole in his cheek. I'm curious if he ever manages to talk Till or others out of harming Till, he seems to subscribe to the Tortured Artist bullshit but also clearly cares a lot.

When he decides he wants to be someone's friend he just decides Okay were friends now! and then doesn't leave. He just kept showing up at Tills house till be became his bestie. I don't know if it's still a thing but I want it to be.

Speaking of his friendships, the fact that he went from everyone mildly hating him to being everyone's best friend is amazing. He's had a very complicated relationship with Richard over the years, and Schneider and Flake when Rammstein started said they'd only join if he didn't, and look where they are now. In fairness, I think the Flake thing was mostly jokey, they've known each other since he was a teenager and lived (for eight years), worked and basically grew up together. That's old married couple friendship levels.

He's just so affectionate. It really balances out how much of a bastard he is. They'll be talking about him and essentially say "Yeah he relentlessly mocks me and tells me I'm doing things wrong but I love him dearly". On stage last year especially he was checking in and looking after Richard when he seemed to be having a hard time and was reaching out for affection.

(he's making fun of Richard for having to pull up his sleeves)

His shout is delightful. It's just... Really dry and flat? It reminds me of you know on game shows they have a paper doorway thing people burst through? Yes that. I wish it was used more.

He has a face made for happiness. His wrinkles are all smile-activated (I have to get creative I can only attach ten things). His smile muscles must be so so buff. He's talked before about the nature of Feeling B meaning he had to pretend to always be cheerful so sometimes when I see him smiling without there being a Thing (especially because he probably has a lot of trauma he passes off as nothing) I think oh no it's all lies but I mean, everyone has a default face and it's nicer than the other kinds of resting face. He is very handsome, one of the most masculine boys, and I think his eyes are very pretty. His eyebrows usually look like he half shaved them and I do enjoy that.

He's so compact. I want to just grip his shoulders, they're wide but also kind of dainty? Just a solid pat pat on the shoulders for him. He's exactly as large as he needs to be. He wears his tall shoes sometimes but if he wants to be in the same photos of Oli at a decent distance he kind of has to. Also I wish my dress sense was like his. He always looks either cosy or hot.

I adore the way he talks. His accent, the things he actually has to say, the way he rolls Rs so hard in his throat. He talks in the bubble writing that teenaged girls use on poster projects. I could watch so much video footage of him without getting bored.

His stage presence is completely chefs kiss. In particular I enjoy the way he hops and twirls about on stage even now, but there's also all the little sillinesses like eating the confetti, the Haifisch Thing with Till, his playing (and snuggling, kissing and hand holding) with Richard, his explorations around the stage to see Schneider and Oli etc. As much as I love the others he's the one I'd be watching at a show, you know? He makes sure the band and the fans are having a good time.

He has so much fun with his hair. It has looked normal maybe twice in his life and both times it was dyed so there was still Something and honestly why the fuck not? Truly, we should all say fuck it and go wild, it's just hair. He was so confident in his weird hair that Flake saw him and went yeah I'll let this guy cut my hair.

Some of my favourite Paul moments:

In this interview there are so many but I think the funniest is when he demolishes Linkin Park for no reason. Nobody was talking about Linkin Park but he has an opinion and he Must make it known. A man after my own heart.

Fleischfarrrbenen Drraght lang legst

Slimy into the people. No, I can tell it.

Just... This entire clown interview.

It's very small, and from back there it's even smaller! I can't believe nobody laughed. Love seeing him play, love hearing about his guitar things, hate that he has his bare feet out

The Metallica joke. Again, wasted on them

The whole thing where he just kind of attempted to eat a chunk of ceiling tile (starts about 55 mins in)

Misc.

The time he wilted on stage during Live aus Berlin

#rammstein #paul landers #me rambling #basically an essay

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electricbluebutterflies · 3 years

Note

Kabby + knows your schedule from the back of their heads (and gets shocked when there is a sudden change to your routine)

Yay post-s2 grayspace. Content warning for vague talk of suicide. PG-ish and also on ao3.

As always, the dynamic is effortless and unspoken.

Abby may not like her counterpart yet – is that a safe enough word for him? does it cover enough ground? – but the upside of having been at war with him for the past decade is that man is predictable. Even in an entirely new environment, even with a less defined role in their systems, Marcus thrives on routine. By the time she’s able to leave her compartment on her own without help, he’s settled into a self-inflicted schedule that not even the unpredictability of life on the ground can throw off for very long.

She knows, a month after her injury and a month after new habits were set, that he stays out of their workspace during peak daylight. This is a newer development – the man he once was kept much stranger hours without much regard to how convenient it was for anyone else, but more recently he seems to have realized that she likes quiet for doing her share of administrative tasks. What few there are, she thinks as she scrolls through the datapad. Again unspoken, again the comfort of knowing each other well enough to know that she hates dealing with the mundane.

But it’s a quiet day, and people know where she is if anything goes wrong enough to need her, so she stays curled up on the battered couch a little longer than usual. She is not the right person to make some of these documented decisions, but at least she’s now more aware of building projects and reenforcing the wall and-

At some point, as fascinating as all those plans are, Abby falls asleep.

When she wakes up, sunset filters through the skylight and she is still alone. This is strange, this change in routine she hadn’t realized she liked. It’s not the first time she’s taken a nap in the workspace, on that couch that is somehow more comfortable than her bed, but every other time she’s woken up with a blanket over her and she knows only one other person has that access to this space and-

Oh. Oh no.

It’s easy to slip into something-is-wrong mode, too easy considering she’s attempting to lead a civilization alongside a sacrificial dumbass who hasn’t outgrown the default masculine invincibility belief that usually fades away well before his current life phase. Marcus is becoming a decent person for the first time since they were tiny, and that may well be the problem because he didn’t try to kill himself (intentionally or as side effect) back when he spent every waking hour making her life a living hell but he sure does now that he’s found better priorities. Abby is fairly sure somebody would’ve come and found her if they’d reached the fallout stage of whatever reckless idea her counterpart is probably up to right now, which means he’s probably doing something questionable right this moment that he didn’t bother to run by anyone else, which means-

She runs. It hurts like hell, the lingering pain in her thigh a reminder that she is too damn fragile for this life she lives, but she runs. Trusts her instincts to guide her to wherever he is, trusts their recent understanding to be enough to talk him out of whatever the hell he-

Somehow she ends up outside the tent he’s claimed as living space, near the wall but not near any of the gates. She’d been surprised weeks earlier when she’d heard he’d taken space like that, less sheltered from the elements, but it suits the midlife crisis they are both trying to pretend he is not having. She hesitates, isn’t sure what she’s about to find, isn’t sure if she should be worried or scary-calm or-

“You can come in.”

Well, at least he’s talking. That’s a good start. Maybe.

She sticks her head in, still unsure what she’s getting into. She hasn’t come out here before, hasn’t needed to, hasn’t-

“Can you please just say whatever you’re trying to glare into that wall?”

Fine. He wants a fight, she can give that.

“Where the hell were you.” Not a question. “I… you usually…”

To his credit, Marcus actually looks surprised, which is not an expression he defaults to when she’s determined to go at him. Again, an easy ten years of picking fights on a regular basis creates certain baselines. Usually his reaction to her confrontations is more like apathy and boredom, here we go again with an eye-roll for good measure. Not this.

“Hunting party hallucinated a lion,” he says like that’s totally normal and hey maybe it is.

“And you didn’t tell me.”

“Didn’t think you needed to-“

“You’re avoiding me, you forgot to inform me of major developments, you-“

“I am not avoiding you!” He motions to the space on the other end of his… bed is really not the word for that pile of who-knows-what, but the closest thing to furniture in the tent. “And you shouldn’t be standing so long.”

Abby hisses, outright growls because she is not taking that kind of advice from the one person in her life who is even more determined to ignore the limits of their body than she is. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine.”

“You know I hate you, right?” she says, almost playful as she slips into the space and sits down anyways. She’s not sure how this is an improvement, but at least her bodyweight isn’t adding to her problems right now.

“So you came all this way to…”

“Make sure you’re okay,” she says too quickly, because if she thinks too much about why she cares this will all fall apart and she will have nothing left. “You’re… predictable. And I like predictable. And today you weren’t.”

“And normally you’re not-“

“And I have gotten used to someone wrapping me up in a blanket when I fall asleep on that couch, okay?”

He’s quiet, too quiet for too long. “Oh.”

They don’t talk about what they are and what they are becoming. There is too much else to do, and there has been that understanding alongside all the rest. Whether they actually care about each other does not matter. Whether it’s even deeper than that… she’s too old for that kind of want, which means he is too. But there are still sparks, still moments of almost crossing that line anyways.

“I can plan around you and know what will happen,” she continues. “And today that fell through.”

“And you’re this wounded because…”

“I didn’t know where you were. And not knowing where you are tends to mean you’re doing something stupid, and you are not allowed to die reckless do you understand?! I need you more than that.”

If she were a different sort of woman, she thinks, she would’ve taken kisses instead of saying that last bit. She’s been perfectly chaste in her widowhood and this pile of questionable blankets would be an acceptable place to end that dry spell. But she can’t take a risk she can’t trust, and she doesn’t, and she wants and she can’t want, and-

“I’m not planning on dying,” he murmurs. “Wouldn’t do that to you.”

She reaches for his hand because she needs something, traces little patterns and watches him try to ignore how cold her fingers are. “You better not, or I’m finding a way to bring back your ghost so I can yell at that too.”

#pixievixen #kabby #ebf writes fic

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welcome-to-the-gay-bar · 3 years

Text

So I we started to watch Attack on Titan again after many years and I’ve just finished season two and before starting season three I wanted to take a trip down memory lane and look at all my old favourite AOT fan fictions from 2014 (and see what’s popular nowadays that I may have missed, since wow, a lot has changed since I was last present in this fandom and compared to what’s happening in the current episodes season one was tame).

I’ve noticed a huge divide between fanon and canon and I kinda wanted to ruminate on this a bit.

Eren’s character in the show isn’t my favourite. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fond of this brash idiot, but he’ll never be my favourite. He falls into this shonen protagonist trope of being hot headed and ill tempered. He doesn’t take advice, he’s not going to listen to plans or authority, he always thinks he’s right and only follows his moral compass, and to tie it all up he’s not even that strong. He can’t back up the threats that he’s laying down and yet he always rushes into situations with fists flying and never thanks or appreciates the characters (Mikasa) that get him out of those tricky situations. The only way to get through to him is to physically beat him down and even then it may not work if he hadn’t already somewhat respected you (Mikasa again). This character type is seen so often in shonen and I’m really not a fan, I like the cool and calculating protagonist better. Someone who has the power behind their threats and doesn’t rush into situations. Again, I like Eren, but I think it’s the other characters in the show that balance him out and the plot itself that makes me like Attack on Titan.

Compare this to fanon where his default character is happy ray of sunshine who’s a little bit naive. It’s a rather jarring comparison but I also don’t necessarily dislike it either. To me canon and fanon characteristics are almost completely seperate. If I had to always think a d compare fan fiction to canon I probably couldn’t read it. I read about happy fanon Eren and see canon angry Eren and to me they are two completely different characters - two completely different people even. If I had to read fan fiction about canon Eren I can 1000000% say that I just wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I’d be totally bored. As I said before, I like Eren but it’s the people around him and the plot itself that makes him bearable. I can watch a show about him because it takes less time and emotional energy, but I couldn’t invest in reading a book about him (which is why I haven’t read the manga either).

This isn’t even exclusively towards Attack on Titan. Back in my Teen Wolf phase I noticed how different canon and fanon characters were. Small secret - I was knee deep in the Teen Wolf fandom before I realised that I hadn’t actually watched an episode of Teen Wolf. One of my mutual’s reblogged TW artwork that was linked to a story and from that I never looked back. When I actually did get around to watching TW I can honestly say I was more than a wee bit disillusioned. Derek and Stiles are obviously not the main characters and I was prepared for that, but then they barely interacted, and when they did interact it was nothing like what I had read about - nothing like what their fanon characters or interactions were like. I can honestly say that I never made it past the first season - the show just wasn’t for me - but I was still thoroughly invested in the fandom for another year or two.

Something about fanon Sterek dynamics just did it for me, their characters and relationship was just so on point for what I wanted, and this is kind of when I came to accept that canon and fanon can be so different that it almost feels as if it’s two pieces of completely different media. I mean, fanon has its own set of rules, it’s own character tropes and story arcs that even completely different authors with completely different stories somewhat instinctively know to follow. I think that’s amazing, but it’s also a double edged sword. See these first two examples were of shows that I A) never watched/finished before reading fan fiction, B) don’t necessarily love love the characters in canon. That means that fanon is more appealing because it takes something I don’t care too strongly for and changes it to something more appealing. But what about when fanon takes something I love and cherish and remoulds it?

I want to briefly take this time to talk about something I’ve dubbed “the twink affect”. When you take a character that’s originally strong willed, self sufficient, and somewhat masculine and you pair the, up with someone EVEN MORE strong willed, self sufficient, and masculine - the “Alpha male” of characters if you will. I find that fanon is incapable of seeing two strong men together in a relationship and will eventually slowly twinkify one of them. Make them smaller, softer, lonelier, less self sufficient and more reliant on others, they need to be taken care of, they’re now a ball of sunshine that’s radiant and joyful, they’re cotton candy that melts on your tongue. You put them next to the pairing you ship them with and instead of seeing two strong men you see a bear and a twink. That’s definitely what’s happened to the two characters/pairings mentioned before and I honestly didn’t mind because I wasn’t protective of the source material, but when it does happen to a character I love it’s the most frustrating thing in the world, and I can’t even complain because I’ve already reaped the benefits from other fandoms. (I am going to complain though, this is my blog and I can do what I want mum.)

I’m going to talk about Mo Dao Zu Shi. Beautiful story that I love in (almost) all its various adaptations, but I’ve noticed the ever slow changing of fanon’s Wei Wuxian. For anyone reading this that hasn’t read MDZS (or if anyone’s reading this at all, I am expecting to just be shouting into the void at this point) Wei Wuxian dies - not a spoiler, it happens at the very beginning of the story - and comes back to life in the body of Mo Xuanyu. Mo Xuanyu is small malnourished and twinky - he even canonically wears makeup (or at least has it in his possession, I’m getting the various adaptations confused and I can’t remember if in canon Wei Wuxian woke up in Mo Xuanyu’s body already wearing the makeup or if he just finds the tin of makeup in Mo Xuanyu’s possessions). Wei Wuxian’s character is also a bit of a tease, and now he’s alive and unburdened by the past he’s much freer now than he was in the past, couple that with the fact that he’s pretending to be Mo Xuanyu (a character who is rumoured to be gay and also a bit insane) he goes all out in pretending to be a shameless flirt, and it’s honestly hilarious, I love his character. So in a sense he has all the makings of a canon twink and I’m really not here to shame on those who portray him that way while he’s in Mo Xuanyu’s body.

My personal issue is with the same extreme twink portrayal while he’s in his original body. In his original body Wei Wuxian is BUFF. He’s hunky, he’s in the top five most eligible bachelors, he’s *car honks* woof woof bark bark *whistles* puurrrr, he’s one of the most powerful cultivators of his generation, he’s a genius too. He’s hunky. He still has the cheeky shameless character, but when you compare him to the male lead Lan Wangji, they’re about the same size and strength. My favourite type of fan fiction in MDZS is fix it/everybody lives nobody dies/no war/etc etc. Basically stories where Wei Wuxian keeps his original body. The fanon twink portrayal of him being so small and soft and weak while in canon he’s one of the strongest and smartest urks me in ways I can’t explain. It’s not what I want, not what I’m looking for. I love him for who he is in canon and to see his character so distorted by fans of the original work is frustrating. I just want to read about Wei Wuxian as a jock with his equally buff and tall nerd boyfriend.

I want to pause here and say that I have nothing against authors that write him in a twinky way, I respect your work and your characters (and as I said before I’ve reaped the benefits of other fandoms twinky character portrayals numerous times), if I read a fic that I’m not happy with the characterisation I just close the tab and move on so absolutely no hate to anyone who enjoys this character type. I’m just ruminating on the fact that I’ve been seeing it happen more and more often lately to the point where I’ve kind of bounced the fandom and am sticking to other works like Scum Villain that haven’t yet twinkified too much (there will always be one or two stories in every fandom that twinkify and honestly? I respect that. Authors said twink rights ONLY, good for them).

Mo Dao Zu Shi isn’t the only fandom I’ve been in that I’ve negatively reacted to fanon. Another one would be Batman (I love Tim with all my heart and I love him getting treated nicely but damn I sometimes wish people would remember how freaking strong and amazing he is too), 2Ha is another I’ve started to see “twinkified” (although I don’t mind seeing Chu Wanning being soft and taken care of, he is canonically called handsome and masculine and he’s quite tall too), I’ve even seen the canonically “top” character (and that seems so weird to write oml) be twinkified by fandom because they want to see him get bottomed for ~equal rights~ because apparently bottoming is seen as a “woman’s position” to them and they’re trying to be woke by switching the sexual positions up but failing to see how misogynistic and homophobic that take is (imma stop myself here because that a WHOLE ‘nother can or worms to be opened right there).

What I’m trying to say is fanon is a double edged sword and I’ve definitely enjoyed some and hated some. I think it’s important to seperate the two. I do think it’s annoying for fandoms to be flooded with mischaracterisation when you actually do like the original characters and I wish there was some way to seperate fandom into “actual canon fans” and “fans of fanon”, but I don’t have a solution and I’ve definitely contributed to the problem in the past so for that I’m sorry.

I don’t know how to end this long ass rant, I don’t know what the goal was in writing this, but taadaa ~ here’s my exceptionally long take on fanon.

#rant #I don’t know if I should tag the fandoms mentioned in case I wake a sleeping bear #but I’m going to do it anyway in case someone has the tags muted #mdzs #aot fanfiction #AOT #mo dao zu shi #fanon #ao3 #attack on titan #ereri #wei wuxian

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bunnymajo · 3 years

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I saw that post with your OC designs a while back (the one with Candied Violet and Buttercream Rose), and thought their costumes were really neat. How do you come up with outfit designs?

Thank you!

And it depends on the project but usually it's rooted in lolita fashion or something I saw in another show and wanted to imitate :'D

For Violet for example, her stage outfit is a military-esque jacket because I used to draw a lot of Utena & Keroro Gunso gijinka, so I got used to defaulting to uniforms like that for more masculine fashion.

I've also been drawing frills for like 20 years so my hand just wants to draw them all the time

My best advice if you want to do more fantasy fashion is to just draw whatever. Draw a hot mess based on what you think would look cool. Step back and if you don't like it, find the parts you DO like and keep them, while try and think of other options to change the things you don't like, and do another draft. Think about what kind of look you're going for and google the fashion too for inspiration if you're stuck.

Like sometimes I like the skirt but hate the top so I'll look at lolita fashion for example, see what shapes & cuts are out there and see if that matches better.

I know that sounds really vague but I hope that helps

#it's just comes down to practice and being aware of what you like #taoofshigeru #thank you again!

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werevulvi · 4 years

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I haven't made much of any personal posts here lately, and it's mostly because I've been too busy burying my feelings to be aware of them, and too busy living my life. Don't really remember what I posted here last time, but was probably either that bisexual coming out post or a gender ramble about identifying as a trans man again. So let's take it from there.

I intend to make a youtube video on this topic as well, in which I'll go more in depth, so I'll try to keep this short...er than usual.

For most of this year, I've been back to "presenting male" (i.e. not trying to pass as female again, and instead going with my "new" default which is that I just look like a dude) and for the past few months or so I've been back to labeling myself as a trans man again.

However, I still see myself as a woman deep down. I'm just terrified of facing the consequences yet again, of being open and honest about it, without detransitioning. Because I don't want to detransition anymore. Only re-identify. And I wanna go back on testosterone again simply because I felt better on it, and its pros outweigh its cons for me personally. It even feels like I was somehow healthier on it, actually. Or at the very least, testosterone has been very kind to me.

Also, I've been thinking lately that maybe I don't actually have any sex dysphoria anymore. Because I don't wanna be male anymore, and I've come to truly like being female, after overcoming my past trauma, which caused my hatred of being female to begin with. However, I also genuinely like my transition traits, which I always have, and cling on to them firmly. My discomfort with looking clearly female on a clothed surface level seems to be more similar to how any/most masculine women feel discomfort in dresses and makeup.

It's only dysphoria in the sense that it's a persistent and consistent pattern of comfort/discomfort with my gender presentation - NOT in the sense that I actually wish I was the opposite sex. And I'm actually grateful that transitioning can't take my female nature away from me, only change what it looks like. So, the reality of what transitioning can do, is EXACTLY what I want. Transitioning is not an escape from my sex; it helps me connect better, more positively, and more strongly to how great it can actually be to be female. It's just my strongly preferred presentation and social role. I do not wish to actually be male for real. So basically, I'm just gender non-conforming in an unconventional way. I've thought that thought many times before, but never quite managed to understand what it means until now.

I'd still prefer being able to continue presenting very masculine/male, but just declaring myself as a woman instead of as a trans man. Problem is though, that doesn't work particularly well in practice. Unless I wanna explain wtf I mean by "I'm a woman" while looking like a whole ass man, to every single person I ever meet. And frankly, I don't have enough spoons for that shit. No one fucking does.

I don't mind being seen as a man by default. The only thing that's missing is that I can't help but feeling like I'm not allowed to speak my truth in its full honesty, be vulnerable and real with people about myself. Not everyone needs to know how I see myself deep down, but sometimes I just want to be able to speak freely about things relating to me being a woman when that is relevant, you know. And believe it or not, that comes up rather frequently.

But I feel like I can't do that because people are only ever interested in debating whether I'm actually a real female or a zero effort trans woman, and question my reasons for living as a man. People don't have to agree with me or validate me, but what I can't understand is what's so difficult to understand about a woman choosing to live as a man? The only difference is that I choose to do it by medical means additionally to dressing and the social roles I take on. Because we have that option now in the 21st century.

The idea that I have to put in effort to even just be believed to be female... it upset me so bad that I basically started feeling that I can't ever talk of myself as a woman again, and have to keep pretending that I'm a man at all times, only because of the way I choose to look. Despite my female nature is a permanent condition, I feel like I'm often not allowed to reclaim my womanhood unless I desecrate my body first. I was flabbergasted by the astonishing absurdity behind that. It made reach out for the trans man label once again, but unfortunately I ended up hiding behind my same old lie a second time. Because I was essentially bullied away from identifying with my own sex, because I wasn't performing womanhood "right." How far am I willing to go for the sake of authenticity...?

To clarify, I'm not speaking of wanting any "right" to have others recognise me as a woman or to call me by she/her or any of that shallow shit - I'm only speaking of my wish to call myself a woman, and the extremely disheartening backlash that comes as a result of doing so. And how much I've debated with myself whether it's even worth it then. And I guess I've realised that it is worth it. Because I'd rather hurt from the other people's shit getting thrown in my face, than hurting myself. But I have no idea how to actually handle it in practice.

I feel a lot of shame about it, admittedly. I feel like it's shameful for a woman to look like me, let alone willingly. I've seen the frowns on people's faces after telling them, and I can't help but interpret their narrow mouths and upturned noses as expression of disgust at my character. And oh fuck it hurts so much, it sends me spiraling into dark places, until I can't stand my own reflection anymore. In my panic and desperation I then turn to other labels to call myself, to hide under and -protect- suffocate myself with.

Truth is I'm incredibly ashamed of being this extremely masculine, hairy and balding, as a woman. But I like it if I just don't think of myself as a woman. And it's not because I feel bad about the way I look. On the contrary... it's because I genuinely like the way I look, but society's standards on women eat away at my confidence. Oh why does it fucking matter, it's just a label? You might be thinking. I'll tell you why it matters: I feel empowered and proud of myself, at being credited as a woman. But I feel robbed of that power and pride, when credited as a man. As though I am being over-shadowed by a lie which was put in place only for the comfort of others. Because a man did not accomplish what I did. A man did not struggle through the hell I lived. A man did not learn to love himself after a lifetime of self-hatred, against all odds, to overcome what he hid. A woman did. It does make a difference whether I speak of myself as a trans man who grew up female and is happy with his transition, but no longer hates the nature of his biology - or if I speak of myself as a woman whose traumatic female upbringing brought her through a gender transition, which she now refuses to leave behind, just like her womanhood. Because it is those two aspects combined, that truly makes her shine. And I want to shine. I hope that clears it up.

#detransition #transition #ftm #trans man #woman living as a man #dysphoria #gnc #masculinity #social backlash #difficult choices #re-identifying #reclaiming womanhood #gender expression #female masculinity #labels

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