i know some people already pointed it out but like. eddie was in black. BLACK. he was in LITERAL MOURNING CLOTHES. he was already mourning. already prepared for the worst.

He’s Going The Distance - Chris Redfield/Ethan Winters - SFWish

Title: He’s Going The Distance

Author: Reno

Fandom: Resident Evil 7: Biohazard

Setting: Medbay, Post-Dulvey Incident

Pairing: Chris Redfield/Ethan Winters

Characters: Chris Redfield, Ethan Winters, Random Nurse

Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Romance

Rating: M

Chapters: 1/1

Word Count: 1386

Type Of Work: One-Shot, Part of the For All These Times series, Whump Bingo Fill #2

Status: Complete

Warnings: Gay, Slash, Yaoi, MLM, Pre-Slash, Canon-Typical Violence, Dissociating, Blood, Deep Wounds, Trans Male Character, Trans!Ethan Winters, Possible OOC for Chris, Medical Equipment, Medical Treatment, Stitches, Sutures, I.V.s, Pain Meds

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything.

Summary: Was Ethan truly so used to pain that he didn't notice that?

AN: Hey guys, it’s me again! Just thought I ought to say, if you want vague updates and to talk to me more, I have a writing Tumblr, too! Twitter is Sunshinecackle, and Tumblr is Writteninsunshine! I also have a writing Discord that is currently pretty dead. xD If you want it, please contact me on Twitter!

More whump fic bingo! I’m really enjoying these, they’re too much fun to write. Oops, I like to punish Ethan even if he doesn’t deserve it. He’s so whumpable. I hope you guys are enjoying this, I know I sure am. This one is for my editor, Gryph, who is the best editor I could ever ask for. MAJOR shout out to her!

Resident Evil Fic Masterlist

Ethan Whump Bingo Fic Masterlist

He’s Going The Distance

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There was an old thought resurfacing as Chris looked at Ethan. A man who could live through anything was what S.T.A.R.S. had wanted, Ethan would have been welcomed into the fold. The man was a machine when it came to surviving anything. Despite this, he seemed too oblivious to notice when something was wrong with him. All the healing fluid in the world couldn’t help the man with how much constant pain wracked his body. It was almost impossible to discern one pang of pain from the rest. That hand was a nasty wound, the staples not quite sanitary when they’d been secured into his skin.

But that wasn’t what he’d noticed just now.

“Ethan,” He began, his voice soft and wary as if speaking too loudly might shatter the other man. “You’re bleeding.”

“I am?” His voice sounded exhausted, hoarse, and so soft Chris barely heard him.

Tugging him closer for inspection, he unbuttoned Ethan’s shirt and pulled it away like a pair of curtains. Yanking up the undershirt he wore, Chris paused a moment to stare. Unable to help how his fingers splayed over the other’s stomach, eyes taking in the thick scars beneath his pecs. His thoughts turned away from the injury for a second, he only stopped when he reached the center of Ethan’s chest. He took in the soft peach fuzz there with a quirk of his lips he wasn’t in control of. Finally, his fingers fell over the thick gash leaking over Ethan’s pale skin, and the touch made Ethan recoil some. 

“Don’t,” Chris warned, eyes narrowing a little as he reached around, pulling Ethan close again by his waist, a hand on his middle back, “You’re hurt. I’ll fix you right up.” 

Leaving Ethan for a moment, he returned with a basin of warm water and a few washcloths. Where he’d gotten them from, Ethan didn’t know, and he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

Dragging one wet cloth over the blood, he cleaned Ethan up despite his hisses and gasps of pain. What was the best option was going to hurt, so Chris started by applying a local anesthetic gel to the area around the wound. He must have found it when he brought the rest of his supplies, Ethan figured. He winced, flinching when Chris’s hands got too close to the weeping injury, but he sucked in a deep breath and bit the thin skin on the inside of his lip. It was all he could do to keep himself from making any more noise.

“I’m going to have to give you stitches.” Honestly, Chris was worried that Ethan was going to start leaking organs. It was deep, and he could almost touch the other’s rib bones. Ethan had really taken a beating, and it was hard to fathom how he hadn’t noticed this. Then again, he was in shock after everything that had happened, after all of the mental and physical trauma he had taken. Maybe it wasn’t such a strange occurrence. 

After all, he was a civilian. He hadn’t been meant to find these kinds of things. If he had stayed away, he would have been blissfully unaware, but there might have been a worse problem on Chris’ hands by the time they arrived at the scene.

“Okay.” Letting out the breath he’d been holding, Ethan nodded just slightly to save him from aggravating his pounding headache, “Just… Do it quickly. I don’t feel good.” Swaying, he felt his knees begin to buckle, and Chris caught him in a tight embrace. This wasn’t going to work with Ethan standing, anyway.

Hefting him up bridal style, Chris carried Ethan like he weighed nothing. Sitting him down on a nearby gurney, he removed his shirts and set them aside. They were stained, torn to hell, and bloody. He’d have to get him a change of clothes. Helping ease him to lay down so that his right side was facing out, he ran a hand over the other’s chest in a hope to help calm him. Maybe it wasn’t entirely innocent, but he was trying to stay focused here.

“This might hurt, but I promise I’ll be quick.” All Chris got in return was a soft murmur he couldn’t hear, let alone understand. If nothing else, Chris was efficient, and Ethan looked like he was going to faint. That might help him do this without Ethan bellyaching the whole time. Stepping away, Chris grabbed a first aid kit, opening it up and setting it beside Ethan on the cot. Digging out a needle, some antiseptic, and surgical thread, he worked the thread through the eye of the needle and set to work.

The laceration was likely already infected, if not by something typical, then by the mold Ethan had been exposed to. With a little sigh, Chris poured some of the liquid over it, making sure to use gauze to get it inside. The forceps he had grabbed entering it made Ethan grunt, but he was too tired to try and fight it. Chris diligently worked on cleaning him up, wiping at more blood before grabbing the sterilized needle. He wiped it down again with a clean antiseptic wipe before starting with the initial stick. Ethan didn’t seem to notice this, due to the numbing gel, and Chris was glad for it.

With the easy glide of the needle and his skillful hands, he made quick work of the stitches, hoping not to bother Ethan too much. Once they were tight, he cut the cord and cleaned up the wound once more, wiping away the gel with a few medical towelettes, before drying the area. To make sure it would stay clean, he rubbed another cloth damp with warm water on the site before running more of the wipes over it. A dry rag then worked over the glistening flesh, and he didn’t stop until he had patted him dry.

“Ethan, I need you to sit up. I have to wrap this.” Chris spoke, breaking the silence in the room they were in. Unfortunately, it seemed that Ethan had fallen asleep, or maybe passed out, so he had no choice but to gently shake him awake. “Ethan, you have to sit up.”

Ethan nodded absently, slowly pushing himself up with the other’s aid. Bracing himself on his shaking arms, he let Chris wrap him up with gauze from his stomach to his shoulders, surprised by his gentle hands. Once Ethan was bandaged up, he was allowed to lay back once more, and Chris didn’t think about his next action. Kissing Ethan’s forehead gently, he petted a hand over the skin and the other’s sweat-damp hair.

“You should be alright, now. I’ll keep an eye on this.” Voice quiet, he smiled slightly, hoping to keep him at ease. It didn’t seem like Ethan was going to panic, though, too worn down to do much but flutter his eyelashes. “Sleep, now. I’ll get you some pain killers when you wake up.” God knew he’d need them. Moving the gurney around so that he could be more comfortable and closer to the setup for the I.V., Chris sighed in relief. Already asleep, or so he hoped.

Settling in a nearby chair, Chris pulled out his phone. He’d be stuck here for a while, for sure. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do, he’d been set to guard Ethan while his tests were being done.

Ethan didn’t wake for what felt like hours, and when he did it was with a groan of pain. Chris was quick to give him water and a shot of morphine that he was instructed to administer through the I.V. that a nurse had given Ethan. At the very least, he was going to be taken care of.

“Thanks.” Ethan managed, his voice cracking halfway through. 

“You need care.” That much was obvious. Chris combed a hand through the other’s blond locks once more. “If that means I have to do it, then so be it.” There was an odd fondness he felt for Ethan in this moment, watching him nod, his eyes glassy and distant. “You’ll be okay.”

With any luck, he’d bounce back from this. He’d been through hell already, what was another ordeal to save him?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

AN: There we go! It’s not super shippy but I’ll still tag it, just in case. Also, this probably makes more pain for the start of The Village, but that’s okay. I might write something about it when I’ve seen more of the game. I got it preordered for my birthday but it’s at my friend’s house until I can see her again. I’ve been watching it, however, so I’ll get there eventually. I hope you guys enjoyed it!

Prompt: Ethan Doesn’t Realize He’s Injured

Watching Snyder League

-Diana literally vaporizes a guy armed with nothing but an assault rifle.

-Also, these have gotta be like the dumbest terrorists. Their plan:

A. Send multiple armed gunmen to take hostages.

B. Stall for time

C. Set off a suitcase bomb on a one minute countdown (why not just set it off immediately? It's In The Script)

You have a suitcase bomb--just park a car somewhere, set the timer, leave it in the trunk, and walk away. You can kill as many people as you want without losing any of your own guys.

-Superman's scream sends out five separate shockwaves. Which makes me think the guy's milking it, personally.

- I'm amused that both SOP for the Amazons is having, like, fifty people standing around guarding the Mother Box. AND that they don't ramp up security after it wakes up.

- And there's this system of burying the Mother Box.  Which 1. seems like the only way to get there in the first place is to teleport in. What good is this system against a teleporter?

2. It takes six guards to suicide themselves by knocking down pillars, which seems like--in five thousand years, you couldn't come up with something where you just pull a level from twenty feet away?

This is the problem with the Amazons. They're all women, so none of them go into STEM fields.

- It's also real weird that this Bruce Wayne doesn't even try to hide that he's Batman. He just walks right up to Aquaman and goes "hey, Bruce Wayne, I'm also Batman." And remember, he's getting the Justice League together entirely based on a hunch. At least in Josstice League, there were Parademons all up in Gotham.

- And should I even bother to ask why Darkseid's people can't just bring three new Mother Boxes to Earth? Are those the only three? If so, you'd think they'd try to get them back sooner. Like, A LOT sooner.

- Okay, this was supposed to come out one year before Infinity War, but still, it was pretty obvious what Marvel was doing with Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet. They had to know they were inviting comparisons.

-I love the implication, tho, that Darkseid just lost track of the Mother Boxes and just... no one realized they were back on Earth. And they have Parademons that can specifically sniff out the Mother Boxes. 

-And if Superman dying was such a momentous occasion that it woke up a Mother Box, why not the Old Gods dying? Why not Ares dying? Wouldn't that have left Earth just as undefended?

-I have no idea why any of this is happening a couple years after Superman debuted and then died and not in, like, 1446.

-Are the Mother Boxes like finicky computers? Do you need to turn them off and on again? When Superman showed up, did they shut down for real, and then he died, so they came back on for real? Is it like a Windows 95 thing, where you can't JUST turn the computer off, you have to go to the start menu and press Shutdown and then wait for it to close up shop?

-It’s so weird that this is supposed to be a Dark, Mature Adaptation For Adults! And it doesn’t have the same basic logic you’d get from an episode of Power Rangers. 

-So. Much. Daddy issues.

-Please stop letting Ezra Miller improv.

-They cast like the gayest man in America to play the one guy with a love interest.

-Diana: "I lost someone I loved once." Well, twice, but who's counting?

-All those reshoots and they couldn't get Amber Heard to knock off the British accent?

-Why is Desaad, of all people, Darkseid’s dragon? Is it just because they were rifling through all the Fourth World saga to find the few guys with scary names instead of Granny Goodness or Virman Vundabar?

- And they really play up Darkseid appearing to Steppenwolf, but we've not only already seen him in the big flashback, we saw him get his ass kicked by Zeus of all people.

- And the whole thing where Steppenwolf is part of Darkseid's 'family' really isn't helping the Thanos-Nebula-Gamora comparison.

-It's weird to introduce Darkseid as the guy who was already beaten once. Wouldn't it make more sense that Steppenwulf was the guy who lost, and that allowed Darkseid to take over, and now he's trying to redeem himself for his defeat? Or that Darkseid was never defeated at all, but someone stole the Anti-Life Equation from him and hid it on Earth? Something. Instead, it’s literally just randomly burnt into the crust of the Earth, Darkseid discovers it, then forgets all about it for reasons the movie doesn’t get into despite being four damn hours long.

-It’s only the central plot, whatever, forget about it.

- Pretty sure Kal eye-lasered a couple Army guys to death after he was resurrected, not that he ever gives a shit.

-Third big reveal of Darkseid. Come on, you've shown him three times now. We've heard him talk.

-And this does the same thing as Josstice League with Superman being more powerful than the rest of the JLA put together. Here, he even no-sells Steppenwolf's axe. He just lets it hit him and it doesn’t do shit. So Doomsday could kill him, but Steppenwolf can't even scratch him. And yet Wonder Woman seems pretty evenly matched with both, if not outclassed by Steppenwolf.

-Barry Allen spends the whole climax running in a circle. And he fails at it! Dude's really retarded when he doesn't have Team STAR Labs cheering him on.

-He also casually travels back in time to undo his side getting a Game Over, which makes you wonder how any conflict in this universe can ever have any stakes. Say what you will about Endgame, but at least they explain why time travel can’t solve every problem they ever have.

-Hell, the Mother Boxes can bring people back to life. The example used is literally “it can turn smoke back into a house.” Why not bring Joe Morton back to life? He did a good job in T2, c’mon.

-Speaking of, according to TV Tropes, Ray Fisher got to come up with his own backstory for Cyborg (”I don't praise Chris Terrio and Zack Snyder for simply putting me in Justice League. I praise them for EMPOWERING me (a black man with no film credits to his name) with a seat at the creative table and input on the framing of the Stones before there was even a script!”), which makes it kinda hilarious that this movie’s characterization of Cyborg is that he’s a genius sports hero who also loves helping out the underprivileged.

-AND his big conflict with his dad is that Silas Stone was never there for him, as literally represented by there being an empty seat next to his mom at Vic’s big sportsball game. So apparently the black experience is indistinguishable from Austin Powers In Goldmember. Who knew?

-What else? It's weird that the narrative tries to put some importance in Martha Kent, but then in her big scene with Lois, she's really Martian Manhunter (not kidding) and when Superman is resurrected, he hears encouraging words ONLY from Jor-El and Jonathan. All she really contributes to the story is hugging Superman after he comes back.

-Also, Batman spends a lot of time in the climax shooting people with a rifle. They're bug people and it's, like, a Halo rifle, but still. You can tell Snyder's just chomping at the bit to have Batman carry around a Colt Commando.

-They give no shits about secret identities in this, so why do they still bother with putting a shitty distortion effect on Batfleck's voice? He has a pretty good Batman voice outside the suit, but once he puts it on, he starts sounding like he's giving a blowjob to Daft Punk.

-One of the movie’s, like, four cliffhangers is Lex Luthor telling Deathstroke about Batman’s secret identity, because Deathstroke has a private vendetta against Batman and is out to get him. Of all the Bat rogues who are solely motivated by taking out Batman--why choose Deathstroke, the guy that’s just a mercenary for hire, to characterize as simply hating Batman? (They also imply Batman took out Deathstroke’s eye and THAT’S the big feud between him and--guys. C’mon. This was really supposed to be a whole movie of Deathstroke getting revenge for his eye?)

- The movie ends with them making Wayne Manor the JLA headquarters--God, just tell me if secret identities matter or not.

-Did we really need two ‘beyond the impossible’ scenes back to back, one for Cyborg and one for the Flash?

-Oh, it’s not Arkham Asylum, it’s ‘Arkham Home For The Emotionally Troubled.’ Was this supposed to be one of those Arrowverse things where they call it Starling City for a while, only to rebrand it Star City because that’s somehow better than just calling it Star City in the first place?

- "[Snyder] also said that the reason Darkseid lost track of which world the Mother Boxes were left on was because he was gravely injured and their forces sent limping away, and upon returning to Apokolips had to fight a civil war for the throne (possibly the event hinted where Steppenwolf betrayed him), wherein their records were lost." Imagine having a movie four hours long and not explaining the fucking backstory.

Someone Else's Christmas Star

An OH Christmas One-shot

Synopsis: Casey performs in Edenbrook's annual Christmas charity concert. Set in the time jump of OH Book 2.

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x MC / Rafael Aveiro x MC

Words: 1.4k+

Rating: G / Fluff sprinkled with a little bit of angsty dust

Author's notes: This was mainly inspired by that Christmas Concert scene from Last Christmas where the adorable Emilia Clarke sang her own upbeat rendition of Last Christmas by Wham! (watch it here, I swear it gives off major Christmas cheer vibes). Disclaimer: all characters belong to Pixelberry, I am just borrowing them. Thank you for reading! ❤️

This will probably my last work this year. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas! 🌲❤️

It was Christmas Eve, and Edenbrook's atrium was a buzz with activity. Tonight was their Annual Christmas Charity Concert, where the first year interns are performing. It's been a long standing tradition and honestly the closest to an initiation rite the interns can have. As if Dr. Ramsey's snobbery wasn't enough torture.

"Dr. Valentine, can I talk to you for a second?" Esme approached the blonde doctor at the nurse's station, mustering the courage she needed to make her say yes.

Casey turned to face the young intern as she closed the clipboards of her last patient for discharge. "Mind if I sit down first?" Casey's feet hurt from standing up all afternoon, as a lot of their patients were in a rush to get home before tonight.

"Uhhh, sure," the intern nodded, leading them both into the cafeteria.

"What's up?"

"Well..."

Casey eyed Esme suspiciously, it was clear this was a situation she would rather not do.

"We don't have all day, Dr. Ortega. Spill."

"Can you be our lead singer tonight? Gary can't just freaking keep a tune."

***

Three hours later, Casey was wearing a green elf outfit adorned with multi-colored fairy lights all over.

"I did say no right? I said no so many times. Why am I here?" she asked her boyfriend, who was fussing all over her along with Sienna.

Bryce put on a matching green Santa hat on her head and grinned his effervescent megawatt smile.

"Because you're absolutely one talented singer, baby. And people can't miss out on that gorgeous voice of yours," he said as he kissed her forehead, making Casey's cheeks cluster.

Sienna giggled behind her while she secured the wide black belt around her waist, completing the costume.

"You'll do great, Cass, the kids will love you!" she said, mentioning the main audience of the concert, who was also the beneficiaries of all the donations from it.

Casey rolled her eyes, but couldn't help herself from grinning. She loved the kids, remembering her recent visits to the orphanage with Bryce. She was an orphan herself, so it wasn't hard for her to fit in with them.

Bryce pinched her cheek and planted a peck on her glossy lips. "You can do it, baby. I love you," he winked then playfully spanked her ass, then left the room with Sienna before she could retaliate. Casey felt her face burn, still getting used to the way she and Bryce fit like a glove. They were only dating for a few months, but theirs were so uncomplicated that it didn't take too long to be comfortable around each other.

Bryce was the one who were there for her all those nights. He was there when she was at the brink of death, he was there when she tried to wrestle with her trauma. He was there when she dealt with her heartbreak. And this Christmas, she wouldn't spend it alone, because her wonderful, lovely and magical Bryce was there to be with her.

She recalled how she spent last Christmas in an unimaginable demise, that she instantly pushed the very thought of it to the back of her mind. It wasn't long that Esme called her at the back of the makeshift stage, letting her know that their number was up next.

With a brief intro, they climbed the platform. Casey stood in the middle, illumated by the bright spotlights. As she waited for the other interns to setup, she waved at Gabriella, Tony, Chris and the other familiar faces of kids sitting in front. They beamed at the sight of her.

As the applause and Bryce's whistles receded, Casey's blue eyes caught a glimpse of the familiar green bomber jacket a few rows back. Her breath hitched as she saw his arms wrapped around the shoulders of another, making her freeze for a few moments.

"That's my baby! Wooh!" Bryce's cheer echoed though the makeshift concert hall, eliciting a few snickers and chuckles from the other surgical interns. She immediately snapped out of her trance.

She smiled back at her boyfriend, and took a deep breath, before singing the first line in acapella:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, you gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I give it to someone special

With that the band came in, playing in an upbeat tempo to the synchronous cheer of the audience.

She repeated the chorus, but now to the accompaniment of Esme's electric guitar, Mitch's drums, Sokh's trumpet and Gary's tambourine.

She twirled around, smiling widely before she took the wireless mic and stepped down the stage to approach the kids, singing the verse as she patted each of the kids's heads:

Once bitten and twice shy

I keep my distance but you still catch my eye

Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?

Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

"Merry Christmas!" the audience shouted, participating into the song.

I wrapped it up and sent it

With a note saying "I love you" I meant it

Now I know what a fool I've been

But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

In response, Casey walked down the space in the middle of the hall, nodding at the familiar faces of her patients who were spending their holidays in the hospital, as she continued the tune.

She sang back the chorus again, waving her free arm in the air. As the music transitioned to the second verse, she walked towards Sienna, Jackie, Elijah and Aurora, the group of friends she now could call as her own family.

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes

I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice

My god, I thought you were someone to rely on

Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

She stepped towards her man, and Bryce didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her waist, dancing with her as she sung the next verses.

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart

A man under cover, but you tore me apart

Now I've found a real love, you'll never fool me again

Together, they danced, temporarily forgetting the hundreds of eyes watching, as Casey sang the chorus again and again.

Bryce twirled her one final time before he brought her back the front, and helped her climb back onto the platform, winking with pride.

She swayed her hips to the chorus one last time, as the rest of the audience clapped and sang along.

Last Christmas

I gave you my heart

But the very next day you gave it away

This year to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

As the instruments played the outro, she pointed at each of the interns laughing and twirling, as the rest of the stage lit up in a burst of joyful color.

Once the song ended, Casey and the interns bowed down to raucous applause that even Dr. Ramsey can't help but join in.

"Baby you were incredible!" Bryce gushed as he embraced her, lifting her petite figure up from the ground. "You're my sexy shimmering Christmas star!"

She squealed in delight, her arms enclosing his neck as she pulled him to a kiss.

"Get a room, you two!" Jackie belched, as Elijah, Aurora and Sienna approached the two and the interns.

"Yeah, it'll take a whole lot of Christmas miracle to separate this pair of lo-" Elijah was interrupted by the barrage of youngsters who stampeded towards Casey.

"You were awesome up there Caseeeeeyyy!"

"Yeah Casey so cool!"

"Way to go auntie Casey!"

She crouched down to talk back to them, Bryce lifting one little girl onto his shoulder to the kid's absolute delight. The interns were beyond amazed at the sight.

"Thanks, Dr. Valentine," Esme grinned, as she tackled a young boy who was pulling the Christmas lights around her.

"I was just trying to keep up with you guys," Casey winked, to the chuckle of rest.

Several paces away, brown eyes watched the joyful cluster with a mixture of sadness and longing. He knew she wasn't his anymore, that she was someone else's Christmas star now. Yet he couldn't stop thinking about the million regrets he had since last Christmas.

Nimble fingers tapped him on his shoulder, making him turn away from the sight.

"You ready to head back? Your vovo's waiting," Sora spoke softly, as she handed him a bag of goodies.

Rafael took it from Sora's hands, forcing a smile and nodded. "Let's go."

Sora took his hand and together they walked away. Raf looked sideways, catching a final glimpse of Casey and Bryce. It was at that moment that he began to doubt himself, when he started to realize that he didn't entirely move on. He realized much later, that he really chose not to.

Tags: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Tomorrow Should Have Died

So i was planning on reviewing The Tomorrow War because it’s a new film and i like new films i can watch without having to brave the plague. I saw a preview for this thing a while back and had real low expectations for it, figured it’d be dumb fun like Independence Day. Imagine my abject horror when it turned out to be so much worse. Okay, first things first, the good stuff. Chris Pratt is good and so is J.K. Simmons. Betty Gilpin and Yvonne Strahovski work miracles with what little they have. The sound design is exceptional, probably the best thing about this sh*t flick, and the actual effects are on point. The problem with the movie is the script. It’s f*cking terrible. Oh my god, so much dumb! Here’s a list of sh*t that made me irrationally angry, in order of plot progression.

Eleven minutes in and i hate it. How are you losing a war to anything if you have mastered the ability to traverse space-time? How the f*ck is your technology so advanced, that you have found a way to exceed the light speed limit and literally break physics, but lose to a bunch of rabid, interstellar, komodo dragons? This is the dumbest f*cking contradiction I have seen all year and i am offended that whoever decided to make this film, is asking this of their audience. Sh*t is patently absurd. These f*cking things don't even have written language, man, and you really expect me to believe they have pushed a human race that has harnessed the power of time, to the brink of extinction?

Eleven minutes, bro. Eleven f*cking minutes.

Seriously, you can create a time machine, you should conceivably have the ability to harness gravity or one of the other fundamental interactions. Why the f*ck haven't you designed a miniaturized rail gun that uses modern tech or materials to build? You have worked out the science in the future, go back to the past and build miniature or handheld doomsday devices for use in the field. Why isn’t everyone running around with f*cking Megatron fusion cannons on their arms? Why the f*ck am i fighting aliens with ARs and Glocks?? The fact that there is an active time machine built from tech on hand from thirty years into the future, means cats could have spent their time building actual weapons to kill these f*cking things instead of betting the literal human race on a time displaced draft. This movie is dumb as rocks.

The way they describe how their time travel works is dumb. I mean, it isn’t, but i can guarantee this sh*t is going to be a problem later. I can feel it in my bones. They are definitely going to contradict this sh*t because multiverse theory is the only way to make movie time travel work and they are trying their damnedest to not do that.

This f*cking thing is over two hours long and the first drags. I hate when cats attempt to develop characters and they just fail at it. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I should care about any of these people and i still don't have an answer after half the goddamn movie is over. Like, why should i care about Chris Pratt? He’s the main character and the writing has done nothing to endear him to the audience in a whole ass hour.

Also, the reason he’s so mad at his dad is stupid. Dude did right by his kid by bailing because he would have been a terrible father. Pratt’s character would have known that as a father himself. He didn’t have to like it and, of course there’s animosity there, but you’re an adult. Your dad knew he was lousy. He did you a favor by walking out. It wasn’t like he didn’t help support you or make sure you went without. As far as i can tell, dude was there in every way by physically. Because he couldn’t. Because he was f*cking shell-shocked from fighting in Vietnam. Where they raped innocent women and set babies on fire. Holy sh*t, this cat is an unlikable protagonist after this one scene. Which brings me to my next thing...

Pratt f*cking abandons his family?? Word? After that entire scene with his dad and the very obvious trauma he has suffered, he turns around and abandons his own kid because he lost his job?? Word? Like, for real? You expect me to believe that the Chris Pratt who cussed out his pops, was willing to go on the run from his future conscription, abandoned his own family because he lost a teaching job?? What the f*ck, movie? Do you want me to like this asshole or not? More than that, how the f*ck you mess up your character so bad in what i imagine is just five pages of actual script? Nothing we know about this character would ever even hint at him doing this to his family, to his daughter, so why the f*ck would he? Why the f*ck would you, as a write, believe we, as the audience, would just accept that sh*t as a forgone conclusion?

You got ropes on a Queen and you don't kill it? How the f*ck you make it that deep into the hive to even do-si-do the b*tch to the surface? We just watched these things tear through Miami to the point that they needed a whole ass bombardment just to survive and you not only go into their hive, their home, with no heavy ammo, but you somehow lasso a queen and drag her to the surface. Alive. If you can do all of that why not just drop a nuke down there and blow them the f*ck up? Why do you need a live Queen for your science? Shoot the b*tch, take the juice of her corpse, and end this sh*t! Why is all of this stupid recklessness necessary??

Okay. Okay... F*ck everything i just said, right? Why the f*k did you bring this Queen b*tch back to your base? You don’t have a different offsite lab to do this sh*t? You gotta bring her to your stronghold? Isn’t this a military operation? Why aren't their security protocols and sh*t in place to stop this stupidity? You don’t bring the enemy home. You take them to black sites for sh*t like this, not to the goddamn Pentagon!

All of a sudden, the aliens understand science? We spent this entire movie establishing that they are mindless beasts with teeth, eating the human race into extinction but now, because the plot demands it, the Queen one understands what the people are doing? That the green sh*t they made is plague that can murder them all? How the f*ck she even know what science is? They don’t even have language, dude! How the hell she know they made a death plague for her people?! F*ck it, whatever, bro. Next you're going to tell me she let them capture her just to get inside the lab or some sh*t because these rabid f*cking animals, who have demonstrated no military command abilities or even the barest of higher cognitive functions, are tactical geniuses.

Okay, so the Queen b*tch is a tactical genius. So, in the initial future drop, the team was murdered by a bunch of these things because they were sent to a lab where they were trying to make the death plague. Now, hat i am about to say is all assumption on my part because none of this, and i men NONE of it, is ever confirmed by the movie. So, they get to the lab and everyone is dead but the green per-plague is still there. That mean they had a Queen there. It’s established after this that Queens can call for backup and the Males will lemming their way to her. I deduce that’s how this lab got overrun; Queen got loose, called for her boys, and they ate everyone. That happened. That was the first thing we see in the future. This b*tch does the same f*cking thing on the home base lab so now the males are overrunning The Pentagon. You motherf*ckers knew this was a thing because it literally already happens. Why the f*ck would you do it again? AND it gets worse... Home base, The Pentagon, is the f*cking rig where they house the goddamn time machine! You brought a hostile enemy leader, still alive and coherent, to the heart of your resistance operation, to the core of your time travel operation, knowing that at any time this b*tch can scream and have your whole ass base overrun with teeth and poison darts? Look, if the future is this stupid, they deserve to die, okay?

At least they commit to multiverse theory, even if it contradicts the entirety of their already established time travel rules.

Okay. Okay... So they create this toxin to kill all the monster things and send it back in time to be mass produced  Put that sh*t in bullets and send it back to the future or whatever. But, because of the aforementioned stupid, that plan is bunk. Time machine go kablooey. And now we are at the "all is lost" moment at the end of the second act." Solution to the problem in hand, no way to save the future because the only way back to the future was a casualty of idiocy. Right. So... just wait. F*cking just wait. You know when these assholes show up, you know how to kill them all, you even have a plague ready to be mass produced right now. You have thirty f*cking years to refine that formula, to make it cheaper to mass produced and develop variants just in case immunities start to crop up or something. There are people from the future, stuck in the past, because of the egregious future error. They have all of that intel and they are just alive. The second this dude got back to the past with that antidote, the future was saved. The war is over. Like, even if you don’t know where the ship is, you have a sure thing that will murder these white f*cks and three decades to produce, weaponize, and store that sh*t. The war is won. The Prime timeline is absolutely safe at this point. Because that's how time travel works. You have the nuclear option, right now, to averting the end of the human race, ready to be mass produced. Yo have the knowledge from the future on where these things will first appear. You still have all the future tech brought over from the beta timeline ripe for reverse engineering in order to improve the weapons of the present. There is no scenarios where we lose this war, the second Chris Pratt plops back into the present with that plague. None.

Why is everyone so dejected?? Why are there f*cking riots all over the world?? None of this makes sense. How can you assume the world ends and the war is lost just because the communication with that version of the past is cut? Wouldn’t you expect that sh*t? You just altered the entire timeline by sending Pratt back with the antidote. That future is effectively gone. How can you communicate with a place in space-time that doesn’t exist anymore? Hell, even if it’s because the time machine broke and everyone over there is dead, you have the f*cking antidote now! Multiverse theory, bud. The fact that those time displaced assholes didn’t disappear, means multiverse theory is real and you have the opportunity to Future Trunks this sh*t so why panic? Why are there no leaders n television assuring their people that this is a thing? Why are there no scientists publishing papers about how sh*t is going to be fine? Bro, I'm just so tired...

How these cats just fly into Russia on a big ass cargo plane and not get shot down? This is 2022. Putin still hates us. This sh*t would cause a World War.

So you find this ship and you don’t tell anyone where it is? You decide to just kill them all yourself? Motherf*cker, what happens if you die? Did you back up the enzyme formula somewhere or did you bring all of it with you on this stupid f*cking mission? Did you leave notes or even text your location to anyone in authority, just in case haphazard attempt goes sideways so someone else can make a more organized attempt? Or just drop a nuke on the site from orbit? If one asshole denied you funding for your mission, why didn’t you ask someone else? Why didn’t you ask f*cking Putin? Because governments are bloated down with bureaucracy? My dude, people from the future came back and interrupted the world cup to tell you that aliens are going to exterminate the human race in three decades. If you tell anyone in a position of power that you know where these little sh*ts are, they’re going to listen. Especially since everyone decided to riot because the future changed/we lost the time war/ the timeline imploded.

Why would a terrestrial saw work on an intergalactic star ship? That doesn't make any sense. This f*cking thing survived a crash landing into earth intact and a goddamn circular saw cuts it open? Fine, whatever. On to the next stupid thing.

Bro. Bro, they just blow the f*cking thing up. Motherf*cker spent the entire movie, time jumping form the past to to the future and back to the past, just to get this plague to kill them all, and a bunch of C4 just blows them all up while they sleep. Why the f*ck was everything even f*cking necessary? At this point, when the dude comes back with that claw the first time, the future is saved. Analysis on that one claw gave up the location of the hidden spaceship where these things had been in stasis for millennia. Which was blown up with C4. No plague needed. No goddamn time draft needed. No casualties needed after that first wave. The second that dude brought back that claw, it should have been  under a forensic microscope so actual f*cking scientists could figure out what a high school kid id in a matter of minutes. I hate this movie so goddamn much.

I hated this goddamn movie so much. It’s f*cking boring and the dumbest thing I've seen all year and i watched Army of the Dead. It’s pretty and the performances are decent, but there is absolutely no substance to any of this sh*t. It wants to be Independence Day and Edge of Tomorrow and The Great Wall. all in one, while infusing time travel family drama but it’s so f*cking confused trying to juggle all of that, it drops the ball on the most important part; The script. This thing must read like a fever dream induced by peyote because, in execution, it’s a wet fart. This f*cking thing is all over the place with no regard for any insular universe logic. It contradicts itself from one scene to the next and it’s goddamn offensive. I’m sure there is someone saying that i am overthinking this sh*t and that it’s just supposed to be dumb popcorn fun. I get that. However, i can’t just turn my f*cking brain off and mindlessly drool over sh*t that insults my intelligence the way this movie does. It’s dumb as f*cking rocks, man, and i want those two hours of my life back!

avengers endgame spoiler-filled review

below the cut bc spoilers obviously

even after two viewings this movie is super overwhelming so I’m just gonna jump right in

- clint’s family disappearing was so haunting and traumatic omg

- i didn���t like the music choice over the marvel opening crawl

- nebula was so adorably intense when tony playing footbal with her

- carol is such a bad bitch she just carried an entire fucking ship through space

- steve running up to tony and holding on to him... that was content I didn’t know I needed

- the pepperony hug ughhh I’m not a huge gwenyth paltrow fan but she was so good as pepper in this

- honestly I get tony has been through a lot but he was such a dick back at the avengers compound. I’ve always preferred steve to tony and that scene really displayed why. Yes tony was right something bigger was coming, but his way of going about preventing it was proven wrong both times. I don’t consider ultron to be super canon because joss whedon sucks but tony’s first idea to try and solve it failed, and then the accords also failed and even rhodey regretted it. Infinity war was basically “hey yeah the accords was dumb af and steve was right and now the avengers are scattered.” Both tony and steve were selfish and made mistakes in civil war but the fact that it had been over three years and tony was still soooo angry with steve and holding a grudge just rubbed me the wrong way.

- I really felt for thor when they went to get thanos. Chris hemsworth’s acting in that scene was so good when he realized they had failed

- again who on earth put steve in charge of a support group. And while yes its nice to have some lgbtq representation marvel is way behind on that so to me it did not feel like enough

- paul rudd did so well in this movie and scott is such a good dad ugh

- 10/10 would die for morgan stark. She is soooo cute and it was hilarious when she was like “mom told me to come rescue you”

- i know a lot of people are mad at tony dying bc he could have “retired” but that scene with his daughter before steve, nat, and scott show up shows he could not. He still had a garage where he built iron man suits and suits for pepper. That’s not what someone does when they are out of a fight. That’s why he fell back into it so fast because he never left it. He was still tinkering and preparing and even when he retired he was still fully ready to go back

- i like professor hulk but at the same time i miss bruce

- tony and steve love each other so much it made me so happy when tony showed up at the compound. they’ve had their differences but there is real love there

- speaking of real love I will still never forgive joss whedon for taking clintasha away from us like yes their platonic friendship is great but UGH. They love each other SOOOOOOO much 

- tom hiddleston as loki always steals the show and i miss him so much. I was convinced he wasnt dead so I’m sad that he was still dead in the current timeline. But maybe since there is now an alternate dimension with loki and the tesseract he will show up again

- him impersonating steve, his side eye, just... *chefs kiss*

- the america’s ass comment... amazing, iconic, beautiful. And then steve’s “yeah I know” comment to his 2012 self. I’m so glad the russos let steve be funny

- I love how much winter soldier played into this one especially since it was the russo’s first mcu movie. The elevator scene... steve outsmarting the hydra agents. Secretary pierce showing up... and then steve fighting his past self was just *chefs kiss* again. The fact that he knows his own weakness is bucky and uses it against himself 

- not excited to see tilda swinton’s character because its just a reminder of marvel’s whitewashing but I appreciated it trying to explain the timeline/dimension stuff

- i also loved that at the army compound tony was able to get closure with his dad, something he deserved for a long time. I think that was another hint he was going to die because his arc was completing while steve’s.... the look on steve’s face when he saw peggy just broke me. absolutely broke me. Steggy was my first ship in the mcu and so steve and peggy hold a special place in my heart. The fact she still keeps the picture of tiny steve after all these years (a reference to agent carter)... they both moved on enough to enjoy life but never truly moved on enough to leave the other behind. And so while tony was getting closure, steve was being reminded of what he wanted most and couldn’t have. I also loved the tie in with agent carter and showing Jarvis this movie was truly a fan service to us all

- okay so rhodey/nebula: so ive never been a huge nebula person but i really liked her in this movie. I loved rhodey’s line about “you work with what you got” as far as their disabilities. I felt so bad for new nebula because old nebula SUCKKSSS and I hate she had to face her. I loved that in this movie thanos was wearing his armor because 2014 thanos was not as strong or secure with himself. His energy was SO different compared to the thanos we saw in infinity war so props to josh brolin

- natasha/clint: Well go ahead and rip my heart out. The audience knows only one of them is coming back but they have no idea. And they love each other SO FUCKING MUCH they both tried to sacrifice themselves to save the other person. That is true love. Jeremy renner is such an underrated actor and his reaction to natasha dying just killed me. But so did scarlett johansson’s acting as much as I hate to admit it because I’ve really stopped liking her as much due to her recent acting choices but she played that scene so well. And I will miss natasha romanoff forever. She deserved so much more and paved the way for all the other female superheroes in the mcu

- everyone crying over nat and especially steve broke me. They had such a special friendship, almost as strong as her and clint and I feel so many people forget that because of how natural they were together. And her last words to him were that she would see him in a minute and then she didn’t come back..

- i just realized i havent talked about thor and thats honestly because my brain blocked it out. I like that they explored his depression but dont like that he was made the joke of the avengers and I don’t think it was handled well. I did enjoy his conversation with frigga and by that I mean it made me cry. (also loki deserves a conversation like that too don’t @ me)

- STEVE WIELDS MJOLNIR!!! IT WAS SO BADASS AND MY DREAM COME TRUE I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED IN A MOVIE. To me that was the absolute highlight of the movie

- And then sam says “on your left” and all the characters come and the music... poetic cinema

- thanos is a weak little bitch and as soon as wanda was beating him he was fine with his own troops dying just so he could get away

- TONY AND PETER REUNITING CURED MY DEPRESSION AND THEN GAVE IT RIGHT BACK

- CAROL IS SO POWERFUL MY LESBIAN QUEEN

- sebastian stan has no business looking this good my god

- I forgot how much I missed peter parker

- I didn’t notice mbaku until my second viewing and honestly the wakandan characters were shafted like poor shuri we didn’t even know she was dusted until a few weeks before the movie

- I know everyone loves the scene of all the women characters carrying the gauntlet but honestly marvel has a long way to go before they reach equality and it honestly wasn’t enough for me

- side note pepper fighting back to back with tony was awesome

- ugh tony’s face when he realizes what he has to do and he looks at strange for confirmation... give rdj an oscar like my god. He knows that the past few years have led up to this moment and he is absolutely terrified and determined and I am tearing up while writing this because I am remembering it so vividly

- peter parkers goodbye had me crying why is tom holland such a good actor

- pepper’s goodbye BROKE ME... “you can rest now” I think that is the epitome of tony’s arc. For his entire storyline he has been trying to right his wrongs and save his friends and the world and that is so much for one man to carry on his shoulders and everyone knew it would be the death of him. I know tony stans are pissed off that he died, but I don’t see him just being able to retire. Obviously I didn’t want him to die, but his whole storyline has been leading up to this. He truly got a hero’s sendoff and was solidified as THE hero of the mcu. This era started with him and it ended with him. It was a beautiful sendoff for the character that started it all. And I don’t think rdj would go along with it if he didn’t approve

- Steve’s ending.... so I knew from spoilers what would happen and while it was something I wanted in theory I was pissed when I first found out. But it somehow worked. If you look at steve’s arc, he has always been a man out of time. For everyone getting mad he was hung up on a girl he kissed once, it’s pretty much confirmed in agent carter that he and peggy were on the DL for 3 years. she wasnt just a crush he knew for a few months. They loved each other and fought side by side for three years and time took him too soon. In age of ultron the only part I liked was steve’s vision where he gets a dance with peggy. As much as he moved on in the present, the possibility he missed with her always haunted him. You can tell in peggy’s video in the winter solider that even though she married and had kids, the thought of steve still gets her choked up. When she sees him as an old woman she immediately crumbles. They both have referred to each other as the loves of their lives. 

- So with that said, I don’t think it’s weird or out of the blue that he would suddenly decide to try and go back to peggy. They won, bucky is back and safe, sam is back and safe, he can finally rest, and he has the tools to go back in time. The way I interpreted it, Bucky 100% knew what he was going to do. The look on his face, the tone of his voice. He knew Steve was not coming back, and he also knew he deserved to have that happy ending. So while sam and bruce thought it would only be 5 seconds, bucky turned away from the machine, knowing steve wouldn’t show up there. I ship stucky too because I just want steve happy so while at first I was like “how could he leave bucky??” watching it on screen it made sense. Bucky approved of his choice, and while he was saddened by it, he understood it. 

- In my interpretation, I don’t think steve stayed in the main timeline. I think him going back created an alternate timeline where he married peggy, dissolved hydra earlier, and freed bucky earlier. At some point, those two timelines merged, and he wandered over to where he knew they would be. OR after peggy died, he used the technology to travel back to that timeline when he was old. Or my friend suggested he could have met tony stark in his alternate timeline and asked for his help. Who knows. He literally came back with a shield, meaning he was at one point captain america again in that timeline. I don’t think there is anyway he could just stay quiet for 70 years about bucky being tortured and peggy running shield that was secretly hydra. I refuse to believe that. If the russos come out and say that’s what he did, then I’ll backtrack and say I don’t approve of steve’s ending. But as of right now I’m okay with it. 

Just got home from Endgame

Complete and total spoilers beneath the cut, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

I AM A FUCKING MESS I was crying for the entire last half hour, and I straight up don’t know how to feel. On the scale of emotional reactions to a Marvel movie, this one was 100% on the richter scale. I’ll try to sort my thoughts and save the end for the end, but MY GOD I was just unprepared and I thought I was prepared but I super super wasn’t.

First, the very few things I didn’t like:

Thor. Chris Hemsworth is good at comedy, okay fine, but I just really disliked the direction they went with him - especially coming off Ragnarok & Infinity War. I get him being depressed, and I even get him being a drunk, but I definitely don’t get the slapstick-esque tint that was put on all of that. Even his “emotional” scene with his mother was like a bad SNL skit. 

Natasha’s death. It’s not even that she died (which does suck, because she deserved better), or how she died -- but that she died at a point in the movie where I wasn’t 100% sure she was dead-dead, so I didn’t really feel the emotional weight unfortunately. It was only in retrospect that I mourned her, just like with Vision or Infinity-War-era-Gamora -- and “in retrospect” isn’t really as effective as actually feeling it in the moment.

I went back to add this because I had a depressing realization: number one, it was rude of Steve to leave Bucky in the future. Like dude, Bucky is also out of time like...TAKE HIM WITH YOU MY GUY. And number two, at least save him in the past from all the decades of torture??? I hate that this realization came to my mind because it bitters what was a super emotional but poignant end for Steve Rogers, but it is straight up harsh that he stayed in the past and knowingly changed the future by marrying Peggy and living happily ever after, but then just decided to not change the fact that his best-friend was being tortured and abused while he was off dancing around the living room...

Now on to the non-emotional things I DID like:

This was so many movies in one movie, and very unexpected at points. The whole beginning of the film was great -- speeding towards Thanos, knowing it wasn’t going to be that easy, but then still not really getting how it was going to be until the whole “Five Years Later” bit.

Then the second movie was the heist film (sorry, Time Heist), which was fun to get to travel through some past events. Asgard was crap because Thor was so bizarre, but really enjoyed the New York and New Jersey adventures.

The Loki in some version of Avengers 1 ran off with the tesseract. Hop universes with that thing and come to the future “Asgardians of the Galaxy” movie to bully Thor into getting sober and cutting his hair PLEASE AND THANKYOU.

I enjoyed Nebula’s involvement a lot more than I thought I would. I don’t think she’s the best actress, so I’ve had a hard time connecting with her under all that makeup, but I thought she did a great job with this larger role -- and I’m happy she’s now also on the Guardian’s team. I guess their next movie, with Thor, will have to involve convincing past-but-now-the-only-Gamora to join them, yeah?

The action side of things was surprisingly spare, no joke. I know that battle at the end was literally the largest battle ever and literally every character you’ve ever seen was there, but UNTIL then it was very contained -- which I didn’t necessarily expect.

So many Community actors in this haha, nice Russos.

Okay now lets get to the parts that made me cry:

Tony’s whole story in this movie was beautiful, his daughter was adorable, etc. etc. -- and even though I knew to be worried for both him and Steve, I don’t think I was either a.) prepared or b.) really expecting that they would BOTH die (yeah, I know Steve isn’t technically dead, but come on). 

I loved his interaction with his dad in 1970, but got a very foreboding feeling when that scene was happening. Turns out, for good reason!

I was straight up bawling like a baby when Dr. Strange held up the one finger to indicate that there was only one way this could end, and that was Tony taking the gauntlet and dying. And then I didn’t stop crying, and then bawled harder when Tony’s last words were “I am Iron Man” like ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME???

I cried again when they played his hologram message at the funeral.

And then, because the battle was over I was lured into a false sense of security thinking that Steve made it through. As soon as he and Bucky had their moment though, I knew he wasn’t coming back. I get it was a happy ending for him, but I was very upset to see him sitting there on the bench all old and about to keel over. 

And like I said above, once I had the realization about Bucky it soured the “happiness” of the scene. Very bittersweet, and I don’t know how to feel. I feel like I want a Steve Rogers from another universe to come to this one and take over or something, and then apologize to Bucky on this-Steve’s behalf. Basically, I am much more conflicted about Steve’s end than Tony’s.

Overall, was actually amazing and extremely emotional and I am WIPED OUT and I need to go read some Steve/Bucky fix-it fics set in one of those alternate universes (perhaps the 2012 where Loki went off with the tessaract and 2012-Steve fought future-Steve and found out that Bucky was alive??? someone point me that way).

I realize I am now obsessed with that alternate-2012. Because they didn’t end up taking the tesseract from that timeline, so in that universe/timeline Loki got away and Steve, a week into the future, knows Bucky is alive, like GIVE ME THAT MOVIE or fanfiction, whatever.

P.S. I honestly wasn’t kidding about Loki-from-another-universe showing up in the Thor/Guardians movie, like how rockin’ would that be. 

Apparently all I really want is for the actors we lost to come over from other universes/timelines so I don’t really have to miss them. They’re comic book movies, it could happen!

Tomorrow Should Have Died

So i was planning on reviewing The Tomorrow War because it’s a new film and i like new films i can watch without having to brave the plague. I saw a preview for this thing a while back and had real low expectations for it, figured it’d be dumb fun like Independence Day. Imagine my abject horror when it turned out to be so much worse. Okay, first things first, the good stuff. Chris Pratt is good and so is J.K. Simmons. Betty Gilpin and Yvonne Strahovski work miracles with what little they have. The sound design is exceptional, probably the best thing about this sh*t flick, and the actual effects are on point. The problem with the movie is the script. It’s f*cking terrible. Oh my god, so much dumb! Here’s a list of sh*t that made me irrationally angry, in order of plot progression.

Eleven minutes in and i hate it. How are you losing a war to anything if you have mastered the ability to traverse space-time? How the f*ck is your technology so advanced, that you have found a way to exceed the light speed limit and literally break physics, but lose to a bunch of rabid, interstellar, komodo dragons? This is the dumbest f*cking contradiction I have seen all year and i am offended that whoever decided to make this film, is asking this of their audience. Sh*t is patently absurd. These f*cking things don't even have written language, man, and you really expect me to believe they have pushed a human race that has harnessed the power of time, to the brink of extinction?

Eleven minutes, bro. Eleven f*cking minutes.

Seriously, you can create a time machine, you should conceivably have the ability to harness gravity or one of the other fundamental interactions. Why the f*ck haven't you designed a miniaturized rail gun that uses modern tech or materials to build? You have worked out the science in the future, go back to the past and build miniature or handheld doomsday devices for use in the field. Why isn’t everyone running around with f*cking Megatron fusion cannons on their arms? Why the f*ck am i fighting aliens with ARs and Glocks?? The fact that there is an active time machine built from tech on hand from thirty years into the future, means cats could have spent their time building actual weapons to kill these f*cking things instead of betting the literal human race on a time displaced draft. This movie is dumb as rocks.

The way they describe how their time travel works is dumb. I mean, it isn’t, but i can guarantee this sh*t is going to be a problem later. I can feel it in my bones. They are definitely going to contradict this sh*t because multiverse theory is the only way to make movie time travel work and they are trying their damnedest to not do that.

This f*cking thing is over two hours long and the first drags. I hate when cats attempt to develop characters and they just fail at it. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I should care about any of these people and i still don't have an answer after half the goddamn movie is over. Like, why should i care about Chris Pratt? He’s the main character and the writing has done nothing to endear him to the audience in a whole ass hour.

Also, the reason he’s so mad at his dad is stupid. Dude did right by his kid by bailing because he would have been a terrible father. Pratt’s character would have known that as a father himself. He didn’t have to like it and, of course there’s animosity there, but you’re an adult. Your dad knew he was lousy. He did you a favor by walking out. It wasn’t like he didn’t help support you or make sure you went without. As far as i can tell, dude was there in every way by physically. Because he couldn’t. Because he was f*cking shell-shocked from fighting in Vietnam. Where they raped innocent women and set babies on fire. Holy sh*t, this cat is an unlikable protagonist after this one scene. Which brings me to my next thing...

Pratt f*cking abandons his family?? Word? After that entire scene with his dad and the very obvious trauma he has suffered, he turns around and abandons his own kid because he lost his job?? Word? Like, for real? You expect me to believe that the Chris Pratt who cussed out his pops, was willing to go on the run from his future conscription, abandoned his own family because he lost a teaching job?? What the f*ck, movie? Do you want me to like this asshole or not? More than that, how the f*ck you mess up your character so bad in what i imagine is just five pages of actual script? Nothing we know about this character would ever even hint at him doing this to his family, to his daughter, so why the f*ck would he? Why the f*ck would you, as a write, believe we, as the audience, would just accept that sh*t as a forgone conclusion?

You got ropes on a Queen and you don't kill it? How the f*ck you make it that deep into the hive to even do-si-do the b*tch to the surface? We just watched these things tear through Miami to the point that they needed a whole ass bombardment just to survive and you not only go into their hive, their home, with no heavy ammo, but you somehow lasso a queen and drag her to the surface. Alive. If you can do all of that why not just drop a nuke down there and blow them the f*ck up? Why do you need a live Queen for your science? Shoot the b*tch, take the juice of her corpse, and end this sh*t! Why is all of this stupid recklessness necessary??

Okay. Okay... F*ck everything i just said, right? Why the f*k did you bring this Queen b*tch back to your base? You don’t have a different offsite lab to do this sh*t? You gotta bring her to your stronghold? Isn’t this a military operation? Why aren't their security protocols and sh*t in place to stop this stupidity? You don’t bring the enemy home. You take them to black sites for sh*t like this, not to the goddamn Pentagon!

All of a sudden, the aliens understand science? We spent this entire movie establishing that they are mindless beasts with teeth, eating the human race into extinction but now, because the plot demands it, the Queen one understands what the people are doing? That the green sh*t they made is plague that can murder them all? How the f*ck she even know what science is? They don’t even have language, dude! How the hell she know they made a death plague for her people?! F*ck it, whatever, bro. Next you're going to tell me she let them capture her just to get inside the lab or some sh*t because these rabid f*cking animals, who have demonstrated no military command abilities or even the barest of higher cognitive functions, are tactical geniuses.

Okay, so the Queen b*tch is a tactical genius. So, in the initial future drop, the team was murdered by a bunch of these things because they were sent to a lab where they were trying to make the death plague. Now, hat i am about to say is all assumption on my part because none of this, and i men NONE of it, is ever confirmed by the movie. So, they get to the lab and everyone is dead but the green per-plague is still there. That mean they had a Queen there. It’s established after this that Queens can call for backup and the Males will lemming their way to her. I deduce that’s how this lab got overrun; Queen got loose, called for her boys, and they ate everyone. That happened. That was the first thing we see in the future. This b*tch does the same f*cking thing on the home base lab so now the males are overrunning The Pentagon. You motherf*ckers knew this was a thing because it literally already happens. Why the f*ck would you do it again? AND it gets worse... Home base, The Pentagon, is the f*cking rig where they house the goddamn time machine! You brought a hostile enemy leader, still alive and coherent, to the heart of your resistance operation, to the core of your time travel operation, knowing that at any time this b*tch can scream and have your whole ass base overrun with teeth and poison darts? Look, if the future is this stupid, they deserve to die, okay?

At least they commit to multiverse theory, even if it contradicts the entirety of their already established time travel rules.

Okay. Okay... So they create this toxin to kill all the monster things and send it back in time to be mass produced  Put that sh*t in bullets and send it back to the future or whatever. But, because of the aforementioned stupid, that plan is bunk. Time machine go kablooey. And now we are at the "all is lost" moment at the end of the second act." Solution to the problem in hand, no way to save the future because the only way back to the future was a casualty of idiocy. Right. So... just wait. F*cking just wait. You know when these assholes show up, you know how to kill them all, you even have a plague ready to be mass produced right now. You have thirty f*cking years to refine that formula, to make it cheaper to mass produced and develop variants just in case immunities start to crop up or something. There are people from the future, stuck in the past, because of the egregious future error. They have all of that intel and they are just alive. The second this dude got back to the past with that antidote, the future was saved. The war is over. Like, even if you don’t know where the ship is, you have a sure thing that will murder these white f*cks and three decades to produce, weaponize, and store that sh*t. The war is won. The Prime timeline is absolutely safe at this point. Because that's how time travel works. You have the nuclear option, right now, to averting the end of the human race, ready to be mass produced. Yo have the knowledge from the future on where these things will first appear. You still have all the future tech brought over from the beta timeline ripe for reverse engineering in order to improve the weapons of the present. There is no scenarios where we lose this war, the second Chris Pratt plops back into the present with that plague. None.

Why is everyone so dejected?? Why are there f*cking riots all over the world?? None of this makes sense. How can you assume the world ends and the war is lost just because the communication with that version of the past is cut? Wouldn’t you expect that sh*t? You just altered the entire timeline by sending Pratt back with the antidote. That future is effectively gone. How can you communicate with a place in space-time that doesn’t exist anymore? Hell, even if it’s because the time machine broke and everyone over there is dead, you have the f*cking antidote now! Multiverse theory, bud. The fact that those time displaced assholes didn’t disappear, means multiverse theory is real and you have the opportunity to Future Trunks this sh*t so why panic? Why are there no leaders n television assuring their people that this is a thing? Why are there no scientists publishing papers about how sh*t is going to be fine? Bro, I'm just so tired...

How these cats just fly into Russia on a big ass cargo plane and not get shot down? This is 2022. Putin still hates us. This sh*t would cause a World War.

So you find this ship and you don’t tell anyone where it is? You decide to just kill them all yourself? Motherf*cker, what happens if you die? Did you back up the enzyme formula somewhere or did you bring all of it with you on this stupid f*cking mission? Did you leave notes or even text your location to anyone in authority, just in case haphazard attempt goes sideways so someone else can make a more organized attempt? Or just drop a nuke on the site from orbit? If one asshole denied you funding for your mission, why didn’t you ask someone else? Why didn’t you ask f*cking Putin? Because governments are bloated down with bureaucracy? My dude, people from the future came back and interrupted the world cup to tell you that aliens are going to exterminate the human race in three decades. If you tell anyone in a position of power that you know where these little sh*ts are, they’re going to listen. Especially since everyone decided to riot because the future changed/we lost the time war/ the timeline imploded.

Why would a terrestrial saw work on an intergalactic star ship? That doesn't make any sense. This f*cking thing survived a crash landing into earth intact and a goddamn circular saw cuts it open? Fine, whatever. On to the next stupid thing.

Bro. Bro, they just blow the f*cking thing up. Motherf*cker spent the entire movie, time jumping form the past to to the future and back to the past, just to get this plague to kill them all, and a bunch of C4 just blows them all up while they sleep. Why the f*ck was everything even f*cking necessary? At this point, when the dude comes back with that claw the first time, the future is saved. Analysis on that one claw gave up the location of the hidden spaceship where these things had been in stasis for millennia. Which was blown up with C4. No plague needed. No goddamn time draft needed. No casualties needed after that first wave. The second that dude brought back that claw, it should have been  under a forensic microscope so actual f*cking scientists could figure out what a high school kid id in a matter of minutes. I hate this movie so goddamn much.

I hated this goddamn movie so much. It’s f*cking boring and the dumbest thing I've seen all year and i watched Army of the Dead. It’s pretty and the performances are decent, but there is absolutely no substance to any of this sh*t. It wants to be Independence Day and Edge of Tomorrow and The Great Wall. all in one, while infusing time travel family drama but it’s so f*cking confused trying to juggle all of that, it drops the ball on the most important part; The script. This thing must read like a fever dream induced by peyote because, in execution, it’s a wet fart. This f*cking thing is all over the place with no regard for any insular universe logic. It contradicts itself from one scene to the next and it’s goddamn offensive. I’m sure there is someone saying that i am overthinking this sh*t and that it’s just supposed to be dumb popcorn fun. I get that. However, i can’t just turn my f*cking brain off and mindlessly drool over sh*t that insults my intelligence the way this movie does. It’s dumb as f*cking rocks, man, and i want those two hours of my life back!

Are actors and directors supposed to get along?

Directors are the staple of any production. After all, pretty much everything you see on stage was once merely a thought in the back of a directors mind, and while any production is a collaboration, whether it be costumes, set design, props, sound or lighting design, it is a director that glues these various factors together. It is they that deal with every part of the production and it is they who mould a script into a living, breathing piece. Despite this however, directors - like actors - can be either good or bad.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had experience in directing and it’s one I would rather not repeat. The stress is more than any actor can comprehend. Everything is your responsibility and everyone turns to you to fix their problems. You have to have a certain temperament to be a director, and I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have that temperament.

But like I said, there are good directors and there are bad ones, and boy have I experienced both. The bad ones are very few and far between, but sadly it’s always the bad ones that seem to stick out in my memory. They’re not necessarily bad all the time but you have those moments with them that leaving you banging your head against the rehearsal room wall.

My first said experience was with a director who wasn’t necessarily awful, but he had one vice that left his cast scratching their heads, and that was that he never gave notes. No feedback whatsoever. At the end of rehearsal he’d just shout “Right everyone thank you see you next time!” and we’d all then just shuffle off home.

All actors crave feedback, we’re a sensitive bunch, and we need to know that what we are doing is the right thing. The risk you run by not giving notes is that the cast fall into a false sense of security. If you don’t get a note, you assume you’ve done a good job so you carry on as you are. This all came crashing down on me with this particular director. He decided, in all his wisdom, to not give notes at all until the final dress rehearsal.

A finger licking genius right there.

When I say the final dress rehearsal, I mean the final dress rehearsal, as in the next time we were doing it was opening night. My note was simply, “Andy, I can’t understand what you’re saying, can you slow down a bit please?” “Oh, right,” I responded slightly shocked, “Erm, what part can you not understand me saying?” “Pretty much all of it,” he replied indifferently.

That’s when it went dark.

How the hell are you supposed to get up in front of an audience after your director has told you almost immediately before that everything you’ve been doing for the last 3 months is nothing but a gabbling mess? I literally spent the whole day before opening night practicing my diction like I was doing a shit one man version of The King’s Speech. After the curtain closed on the first night, I ran out of the dressing room and to my friends and family in the audience screaming “Did you understand me? DID YOU UNDERSTAND ME??!!!” Thankfully they did and I could spend the rest of the run without the twitchy eye my director had gifted me.

As I said though, he was in a minority of whirlwind directors and he’s made it on to my “naughty list” of directors to avoid. However while the “naughty list” is very short but thankfully the “nice list” is quite long.

One of the directors on the “nice list” is a very lovely lady by the name of Valerie Galbraith. I’ve had the pleasure of working with Val as an actor on two occasions, once in Terrence Rattigan’s Flare Path and again last year in her production of For Services Rendered. I think most people who have been in one of her casts will agree with me when I say that it’s always a privilege to be apart of her shows. Aside from the exquisite attention to detail her and her husband Pete put into their productions as a whole, Val’s approach to directing actors is everything you could ask for when playing a role. She trusts her cast entirely and let’s you make the character your own before fine tuning bits of your performance.

A good director makes the production a collaborative piece and not a dictatorship. An actor should be made to feel comfortable in a role first and foremost, then the director helps you mould that performance into something that can be put in front of an audience.

I once had a director, who shall remain nameless, who seemed to nitpick on the weirdest things and had the brain of a goldfish when it came to giving notes. Once we were off book, he gave me this note: “Andy, Andy, Andy,” he always said my name three times before giving me a note like I was Beetlejuice or something, “you must put your hands in your pockets more, you need to look more relaxed. Putting your hands in your pockets will make you look a lot more relaxed.” Hearing that the first time, I thought fair enough and made a mental note of it.

The next rehearsal came and I made sure I put my hands in my pockets occasionally, conveying the relaxed state my director was so keen to see me in, and then we were called for notes. Low and behold my note was “Andy, Andy, Andy, you must never put your hands in your pockets, you look far too relaxed.”

Now, as I’m sure you understand, that bloody confused me. So I said “Oh, I thought you wanted me to put my hands in my pockets?” “No, no, no,” he said, “do not put your hands in you pockets please.” Very well, I thought, you’re wish is my command.

The following rehearsal, my pockets remained a hand free zone, and you’ll never guess what… “Andy, Andy, Andy. You must put your hands in your pockets. You need to look more relaxed!”

This pantomime went on for several rehearsals and I got to the point where I wanted to gnaw my hand off and launch it at him so I could slap him from the other side of the room. It was impossible to look relaxed because I had no idea what his idea of relaxed was. I came to the conclusion I was just going to do what the hell I wanted and if it felt like a hand-in-pocket moment, I’d put my hands in my pocket. Naturally what ever I did, his notes contradicted it, even to the point where on the last night of the 8 show run, I was told to do something entirely different and that was to fold my arms instead. I stifled the urge to say that instead of folding my arms, I was going just stick my middle finger up, and that he could politely go swivel on it.

I really think directors have better things to be doing than worrying whether their actor’s hands have been pocketed or not. Surely, they should be helping you play the thing and then your bloody hands will act accordingly?

A few years ago, I did a fantastic play called Underground. The director, Chris Howland, was really good at getting the best out of his cast and made you feel comfortable playing a part. He made you understand what was going on beneath the surface of a character, which as a result you felt less like you were performing a role but just being a person. Isn’t what all directors should be doing? Encouraging you to do your best rather than create neuroses that make you want to sob uncontrollably?

As I previously mentioned, I have dabbled in directing and while the experience was ultimately a rewarding one, I don’t think I’d want to do it again. While actors only have to worry about what their doing, directors concerns are endless and for those who undertake such a task, I salute you. My directing experience wasn’t by any stretch a bad one, as a matter of fact it was fantastic, but it taught me something that I now carry with me in every production I do and makes me considerate of every director I work with:

We actors can be a MASSIVE pain in the arse.

My directing experience was fortunately shared with a dear friend of mine, who without I would have surely had a nervous breakdown. We didn’t help ourselves much with this particular project, as not only did we decide to co-direct the thing, we also wrote it together and also gave ourselves supporting roles (as if we didn’t have enough to worry about). All this aside, and I know I would say this, but we had a really good show. Our cast were spot on and everyone involved really mucked in to make it a special show.

But there is always one.

There was a member of the cast who, because of the societies “all inclusive” policy, we sort of inherited and had to give him a part. Fortunately in the play there was a space for him so we wrote him in accordingly. It soon became very apparent to me that the man was undirectable. He said every line in a monotone voice, he kept facing the back of the stage when saying his lines, was always in the wrong place, and (I SWEAR this is true) he kept reading his stage directions OUT LOUD. Further to this, he hated being given notes and he would sarcastically respond to any feedback, no matter how minor, with “Ooo ok then, Mr Spielberg.” Naturally, as I’m sure you can imagine with a man who spent most of rehearsals ending his lines with “Crosses down stage left”, I was called “Mr Spielberg” rather a lot in our time together and quite frankly it got on my tits.

This was merely the tip of the iceberg, however. Having worked with him on a few previous occasions, I knew that he had a tendency of fishing the director to let him sing a solo in a show. To be clear, he couldn’t sing, he just simply read the lyrics in his monotone voice, but it didn’t stop him attempting to audition for The X Factor several times.

Much to his chagrin, our show was a straight-play so there was no singing. This didn’t stop him making a suggestion that unnerved me somewhat…

In the final scene of our play, the lead character kills himself after killing various members of his family, and with a bit of stage magic he appears at the opposite end of the stage to walk into the afterlife (it sounds crap, but in context, it’s awesome). It was quite a poignant moment in the play and ended it very nicely.

Prior to this final scene taking place on the opening night, Simon Cowell’s wannabe bestie came pounding up to me like a puppy and said, “Andy! I have a brilliant idea for the final scene!” I said, “Well seeing as we’ve opened now, I don’t think we can change anything but go on…” “Okay, well, you know how David kills himself in a bit? I was thinking, how about when he does that, I take centre stage and sing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ by Queen?” I laughed out loud, but it didn’t take me long to work out from the look on his face that he wasn’t joking. “Seriously?” I replied. “Well… Yeah? He’s the fourth character to die? Another one has bit the dust?” He then gave me a look which was similar to one that you give your dog when you see it dragging its arse across your cream carpet. “I’m gonna say no.,” I said “but thanks for the suggestion.” He then let out a grunt of frustration and retorted with, “Well, Mr Spielberg, when I’m out there, there is nothing you can do to stop me from singing if I want to, is there?”

Now, I wasn’t sure if it was the fact he called me “Mr Spielberg” again, the fact he’d threatened to ruin the ending of the play me and my friend had slaved over for the last 6 months, or if it was my burning desire to protect the collective works of Queen, but I snapped, “You know what, you’re right. There is literally nothing I can do to stop you singing, but I swear to God, if you go out there and destroy the ending of this play with ‘Another One Bites the sodding Dust’ I will run out onto that stage and vomit on you in front of everyone. I will then find someone else to read in your part for the remaining shows and I will make sure it’s someone who hasn’t got the inclination to burst into song at any given moment.”

It was at that moment, I realised that I wasn’t directing material, but I got what I wanted and he didn’t sing the bloody song.

My point is that both directors and actors have faults, but we have to fulfil the job we’re given to the best of our abilities and work together to achieve an end result. A good director equals a happy actor, and a good actor equals a happy director. But if you ever work with me, please don’t mention my hands or sing 'Another One Bites The Dust’ to me.

I will sob.

Football RPF Challenge - Day 11: Under the Influence

So...today's prompt is the INCREDIBLY EASY ONE (given that I have an entire 3-series AU set around "Vincent is a model who takes way too many drugs") of "under the influence."

Like, it essentially just required me to write 90% of any scenes of this AU that involve Vincent, since he is almost always under the influence in some way or another. And earlier this year I was having absolutely no problems whatsoever just sitting down for an hour or an hour and a half and just typing out scenes of the AU and not worrying about how bad they were (like back in the old days of my writing when I didn't know enough to judge myself for how good or bad my writing was), but that's changed lately. In fact, part of what I was trying to do with undertaking this exercise in writing 30 scenes in 30 days is to get back to that freeform "I don't care because it's written and I can fix it later" mentality.

But then when I sat down to actually write this today suddenly I was bombarded with a million doubts like "but WHY is Christian in this situation? Is this plausible? Is it realistic to believe that this would be happening? etc." And this is the problem I need to fight against. Because, okay...yes, in the end the events of this AU actually have to be something that could conceivably be plausible in the real life narrative, because I've chosen to let Christian just be himself--Tottenham Hotspur player who has ambitions to make a move to Barcelona sooner rather than later. He's always been career above all else and getting him from conscientious, hardworking footballer to conscientious, hardworking footballer that also somehow ends up in late night clubs and taking up with a model with a substance abuse problem does need to be a believable progression. BUT! for what I'm doing here that doesn't matter. I just need to write a scene. Write it. Be done. Slot it into place in the draft. And then when the draft is complete I go in and say "okay, is this believable? If no, can I make it believable? If yes, what do I need to do to get there."

But that is not for now. Now is for just getting the damned writing done.

So, I present you with no context whatsoever...Christian and Ben end up at a rooftop party in LA with a bunch of models and also random footballers, including their former teammate DeAndre Yedlin who in this world went back to LA after Spurs instead of to Newcastle, because that is where I need him to be.

As with all things involving this AU, things got away from me and we’re 2000 words in and haven’t yet gotten to Christian and Vincent actually crossing paths, so as of now absolutely no one involved in this scene is at all under the influence (unless you include Christian being under Vincent’s influence and having NO IDEA AT ALL ABOUT IT), but, honestly, y’all should know what to expect with me and prompts. I’ve been working on this on and off for 4 hours, and it’s 8pm on a Sunday and I’m calling it quits for today.

"This is quite the do," Ben said, sliding into one of the plush looking but decidedly uncomfortable chairs that lined the perimeter of the hotel's rooftop.

Around them, crowds of people stood in groups around small, waist-height tables, talking and laughing, all of them with drinks in hand. Further away, crowds pressed together on a makeshift dancefloor, complete with requisite DJ high up in a box, headphones on as he went about his work. The music a tangle of bass and synth, swooping and soaring as the crowd moved and swayed together as one, hands in the air.

A few metres away, the full-sized swimming pool shifted through the whole spectrum of colours, lights set in the bottom shining up and diffusing out from the water's surface to fall on the crowds of people lounging in chairs or sitting on the side with their feet dangling in the water. Every one of them with drinks in hand and the perfectly crafted features and slender bodies that Los Angeles seemed to demand.

The sun had set, but here in Los Angeles the nights were never fully dark. Even so, the entire rooftop had been strung with light. Blue and white LED lights had been strung around railings, and even the various chairs and benches featured inset lighting along the bottoms. A few floodlights had been stationed at intervals around the roof--probably a security feature to prevent anyone from stumbling headlong into the water or over the railing in the dark--but for the most part, the space was lit in blue and pink and orange and green, everything cast in an almost eerie glow.

Evening in Los Angeles, and the party was in full swing.

Ben held out a clear plastic cup towards him, but Chris waved it away. "No, thanks. It's already been a long day and we have another training session in this heat tomorrow. I definitely didn't bring enough sun cream, and I'm so burnt I think my skin is on fire."

"Right," Ben said, shoving the cup at him more emphatically, "Thus, ice water. This heat is no joke."

"Oh...Um. Thanks." Chris gratefully took the cup from Ben, plastic wet and mercifully cold against his hand, condensation already sliding down the side.

"Cheers," Ben said. He held his glass out towards Chris, and Chris rolled his eyes before pressing the rim of his cup against Ben's.

The least he could do, really, was indulge Ben the occasional eccentricity tonight. He'd agreed to accompany Chris to this ridiculous event, after all.

"I meant it," Ben said. "This is quite the do. And everyone here is bloody gorgeous. Like...I'm a footballer you know, so I'd like to think I'm decently fit, isn't it? But you look around here and everyone is absolutely lush. I was feeling a bit overdressed, what with me wearing a shirt and all, but if I'm honest I'm a bit intimidated to strip down in front of this lot."

Chris rewarded his friend with a scoff, but he understood Ben's point. Sure, he'd never thought of himself as the sort of people who made everyone in a room stop dead so they could watch him walk by or anything, but he was a Premier League footballer in his prime. He did alright, but the moment he'd stepped into this bizarre world of fashion models and beautiful people he'd spent a disproportionate amount of time feeling like the guy who'd been cast in the "before" photo.

"So where's your boy?" Ben asked.

Chris stiffened and jerked his head around to look at his friend. "My what...oh, Vincent? How should I know? Probably somewhere in all...that." He gestured to the far end of the space--flashing lights and pounding bass and people shouting the words along to some song he might have heard once or twice on the radio but didn't know.

Ben leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. He shifted around for a while, likely going through the same process Chris had a few moments before as he struggled to find an even decently comfortable position in the box-like frame. This space wasn't intended for anyone to sit for any length of time--everything designed to press people towards the swimming pool and onward past the full-service bar to the dancefloor.

He'd chosen this spot for a reason. A handful of empty chairs in a shadowy corner of the balcony as far away from the chaos of the party as he could get. Not that Chris found himself in parties of any sort with great frequency, but as a rule he liked to position himself on the fringes of things--here and present, but ready to slip away and disappear without much notice if the madness of it all got to be too much. He liked a little space to think; somewhere he could hear the other half of any conversation he might happen to fall into.

It was decidedly...not where Vincent would be. And, honestly, the fact that he knew this about someone he'd run into by random chance three times now, on two different continents, no less, was certainly...something.

"If I'm being honest..." Ben said.

Chris had long ago learned this meant he was about to say something Chris probably wasn't going to like.

"...I'm not really sure why you've dragged me all the way up here if we're just going to hang about in the dark. Like, all this is doing is making me think I need to double my work rate the next time we have a gym session. Honestly, look at these blokes."

If Chris was being honest, he had no idea either. What was it  about Vincent that kept him from listening to the very logical voice in his brain screaming at him to run in the opposite direction as quickly as he could and not look back until he was a safe distance away? A rational person would have responded to Vincent's relentless barrage of messages begging Chris to come up to the roof for a party by turning his phone off, but instead, here Chris was, sitting poolside on a Los Angeles roof surrounded by models.

"You're right. We should just go. This whole scene is..." Chris shrugged. "It's not for me."

He pushed out of his chair, wincing at the pins and needles flooding down his leg from where he'd been sitting in an awkward position for too many minutes.

"Alright, mate?" Ben asked, and Chris's hiss of breath at the pain must have been audible even above the din of the crowd.

"'s fine," he said, shifting his weight from foot to foot in an attempt to get feeling back into his limbs. He reached down to retrieve the plastic cup he'd deposited on the table beside his chair, now half filled with melted ice and water, and took a drink.

"Let's just go," he said. "I'll...turn my phone off or...can you block people on WhatsApp? I assume so, yes?"

Ben laughed and shook his head at Chris as he climbed to his feet. "You remain, as always, an enigma, mate."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What it is is--" Ben started, but he was interrupted by someone calling their names.

They both whipped their heads in the direction of the voice--to their right, a figure approaching through the dim light. Average height, well-built although who wasn't around here, dark hair close-cropped to his head.

"Maaaaates," the man called out, "it is you."

American, by the accent, and Chris stretched his brain trying to place who at this event besides Vincent would have the first clue who they were. The man drew closer, emerging from the shadows into the brighter circle of light thrown out by the LEDs strung across the balcony and Chris couldn't help from breaking out into a wide grin.

He stepped forward toward the man, one arm out to wrap his former teammate in a sideways hug. "DeAndre. It's good to see you. What are you doing...?"

"I play here now," DeAndre said. "Couldn't hack it in England so they sent me back home. Or, well...close to home, I suppose. Right coast, anyway."

"I thought they called it the Left Coast." Ben joined them, and DeAndre shifted away from Chris to afford Ben a hug as well.

DeAndre Yedlin, promising US International who'd joined them at Tottenham for a minute before going to Newcastle on loan and then making the move back to MLS. He was an impressive talent, lightning quick, with good instincts and vision on the pitch. He'd played right back by trade, but was fast enough to cover space in the midfield and on the wing if need arose. He'd only been with Spurs for half a season, spending most of that time training with the youth team, although he'd started alongside Christian in a few matches during his time in London.

Chris had always liked DeAndre's easygoing manner and infectious laugh, and had enjoyed getting to know him for the few months they'd trained together, but DeAndre had never quite adapted to life in London--getting a bit too caught up in time in the big city far away from home--and, ultimately, he and Pochettino had agreed that a move out of London might be what he needed. Chris had wished him all the best, but when his loan spell had ended and Pochettino made it clear he'd have no role to play on the Spurs first team, he'd returned to the US. Chris had lost touch with him after that, the time and distance and their odd training schedules letting them drift apart.

"You look great, mate," Ben said, patting DeAndre's stomach. "Keeping up with the beautiful people of Los Angeles."

"Ha. I heard that," DeAndre said. "But no, it's good. I like it here. The weather's gorgeous every day of the year--step out the back door onto the beach, a party every night if you want it--but I know my limits now. I learned that lesson, trust me. Still. Sun, surf, sand. What's not to love?"

He stepped back and flashed them both a carefree grin. "I stopped being surprised by this city years ago, but I have to say, of all the people I expected to come across tonight, you two weren't even close to being on the list. What brings you here?"

"Pre-season tour," Chris said. "We're in town training for a week before we head out to...somewhere else"

"Minneapolis," Ben said helpfully. "Where they played the Super Bowl. It's...well I dunno exactly, but I know it's cold there."

DeAndre threw his head back and laughed, his whole body shaking with it. "To be fair, I've only played there once and, yeah, it was cold. But for real, what are you doing here?"

He gestured around him to the party, now in full swing--people drifting away from the frenzy of the dancefloor and into the swimming pool as the DJ called for a break, the speakers now blaring with some generic pop music. Chris supposed that was a fair question. As he'd already established, he wasn't even sure what he was doing here himself.

"Haven't you heard?" Ben said. "Christian's a model now."

DeAndre raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not a...piss off," Chris said to Ben. Then, to DeAndre, "I'm not a model. Far from it. I had a few events for Nike, sponsor things, you know how it is, it's not...I'm not a model."

"Yeah, man, of course," DeAndre said. "Actually, I should introduce you to my teammate Sebastian. He's just getting into modeling and he loves it. Are you staying around for a while? Let me go find him for you, he's around here somewhere."

"No, no, I don't--" Chris started, but was interrupted by DeAndre's surprised shout as someone grabbed him from behind and wrapped himself around DeAndre.

President Trump Message to Kim Jong Un: North Korea is a HELL No One Deserves

I started taking a gander at what was happening, and all of Donald trump news a sudden everything fit properly. It resembled all the LEGO's dropped out and happened to adjust and fit properly. In spite of the fact that the acknowledgment all seemed well and good, it influenced me to debilitated to my stomach. It demonstrated a power floating over many individuals. Sadly, some were harmed all the while, including an officer of the Chicago Police Department. My acknowledgment? "My God, this was a total set-up, and I know unequivocally who is behind it. The man whose name is put on the field." Donald J. Trump. Also, he in such an able and exact way could arrange this to happen. Furthermore, my acknowledgment was asking which is scarier: That the man can do that? Or, then again this could be the following pioneer of the United States of America - including holding the codes to our atomic warheads. No, I am not going insane trick scholar on you. In any case, what I am doing is legitimately instituting conditions in sequential request and impartially adjusting each to see an unmistakable picture. Underneath, I will succinctly demonstrate to you my point of view and how it isn't a paranoid idea by any stretch of the imagination, yet it is taking a gander at what is going on behind the camera which many individuals get sucked into just observing 15-20% of reality. I will do this in three focuses. To begin with: There was a Republican open deliberation held the earlier night facilitated by CNN, and contrasted with all other Republican verbal confrontations previously that, the level headed discussion was... Level headed discussion? In past occurrences there were squabbling forward and backward, talking more than each other, verbally abusing, (for example, "Little Marco," "Huge Donald," "Stifle Artist," "Washout," "Spook," and sincerely the rundown could continue endlessly. Be that as it may, watchers on the past Thursday night saw four competitors (Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and John Kasich) talk about outside arrangement, residential issues, and everything in the middle. The quantity of bantering and verbally abusing? Zero. The quantity of the outstanding "political humdingers," I could depend on one hand. Contrasted with the past verbal confrontation where a whole 12 minutes (yes, I planned it) was dedicated to belligerence about hand estimate, which Marco Rubio at that point commented, "Well, little hands then you recognize what else is pretty much nothing," in reference to Donald Trump, which got feedback from media outlets all around. Without a doubt, the applicants that could be the following pioneer of our nation were contending and making remarks on male genitalia on national TV. Be that as it may, Thursday night it appeared like every one of the hopefuls had been given Xanax before going in front of an audience. Unless you are a supporter of governmental issues, you would have discovered the verbal confrontation exhausting and dull. While this was going on, I saw that in spite of the fact that it appeared Mr. Trump had practically changed, there was a twinkle in his eye. There was a small scale appearance all over this was not the end. What's more, in fact, he knew it wasn't. He knew that he was not going to make the front of daily papers around the nation of his insane jokes and ramblings. In any case, this did not trouble him since he knew he would get a considerably greater spotlight. Furthermore, it would have been about him and just him. At last? It did. Second: Donald Trump's mobilizes have been replayed in clasps and playbacks by the media. Be that as it may, between the jests of "Little Marco" and "Lyin' Ted," Donald Trump tosses down F-bombs, vulgarities, and messy jokes like a mariner. Obviously, the media does not cover this because of controls, and it has become so terrible the Associated Press as of late had a feature writer compose an article about where do we adhere to a meaningful boundary of not having "vulgarities," but then keep the unique situation and truth about what happens. Indeed, that is the means by which terrible it is. A basic point that many don't understand is that at all Trump mobilizes the security is stringent and extreme. Individuals are sought, and even to the point of in the event that they have a stick or shirt on that could be "Hostile to Trump", and on the off chance that it is considered along these lines, they are either declined section or escorted out. Don't for a moment believe that Mr. Trump stops at calling Ted Cruz "an (Expletive Referring Women's Genitalia) either, in light of the fact that for protestors that do get into Trump revives, it is an alternate story. The following are immediate transcripted cites from Donald Trump at his encourages when a protestor has interfered. I have included dates and place. I have overlooked some since they are monotonous. February 1, Cedar Rapids, IA: "If ya see somebody who's going to toss a tomato, thump the poop out of them, OK? Simply thump the damnation... I guarantee you, I will pay the lawful charges." February 22, Las Vegas, NC: "You know, I cherish the past times where in a place like this they'd be completed on a stretcher people." February 26, Redford, VA: "Get him outta' here! Get him out! Hold up, would you say you are from Mexico? It is safe to say that you are?" Warren, MI: "Get him outta here. On the off chance that you hurt him, I'll pay the legitimate charges." Walk 4, Cadillac, MI: "Get him outta' here! Get him out. Thump the (Expletive) poo out of him." Third: The scenes of all past Trump energizes have been extremely unbiased or focused towards his gathering of people. Security high. Furthermore, a tight belt of law implementation actually contracted security, and Secret Service (which is considered and given to prominent conceivable Presidential applicants). Here is the thing that we know from reports taken from FOX News, CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, and an expansive field of announcing that all adjusts. - The scene was on a Friday evening, what might be regarded "Prime Time", at the University of Illinois at Chicago which is an extremely different grounds and area. - Security was insignificant. Some revealed and said that there were not even security checks at the front entryway, and if there were, it was by the field to process sacks for guns. - Openly vocal protestors outside the setting were permitted in and given seats nearby supporters. (At all different settings protestors were made a request to remain a specific separation from the property since it was in fact a "Private Event.") What was going on? The ideal set up for struggle, battles, and disorder to make Breaking News on each medium outlet. What's more, it did precisely that. Last Thought: Mr. Trump has just been gotten in a lie. A lie that recounts the entire story in the event that you investigate it. The representative that went ahead stage and told the gathering of people as of now in the office and the "Warm Up" music booming, that "In the wake of talking with nearby law implementation, Mr. Trump has chosen for security motivations to wipe out the rally until a later date." Later on Sean Hannity's show on FOX News and in addition Chris Matthew's show on MSNBC, Donald Trump emphasized that he addressed, "Chicago Police and they educated me it was best to cross out the rally." And that he was going to make that big appearance when this happened. Yet, here is the thing that really happened. The Chicago Police Department discharged an announcement one hour later that, "We never addressed Mr. Trump and did not advise him of any security concern, nor would have in that there was not one. The security concern occurred after the declaration by the Trump staff." What point? The time when the tumult broke out. The point that Donald Trump set Trump supporters against dissidents in light of the fact that the dissenters had "won," and we as a whole know how Trump and his devotees feel about winning. This at that point caused the breakout of battles, contentions, racial slurs, and punches being tossed. Was Trump even there? As I would see it, I don't trust he was. In spite of the fact that there was a dark SUV with one dark car in front and behind it, which was evidently him leaving, he said two altogether extraordinary articulations with both Sean Hannity and Chris Matthew's. On The Hannity appear, he expressed, "I was en route driving and was recounted the circumstance and simply needed to protect individuals." And just minutes, after the fact on, Hard Ball with Chris Matthew's Mr. Trump expressed, "I hadn't gotten off my plane that landed and heard, it was, it was recently the best thing to guard individuals." So which is it Donald? Is it safe to say that you were "Going to make that big appearance," as you staff said? "In your SUV made a beeline for the scene," as you revealed to Sean Hannity? Or, on the other hand "on your plane when it arrived," as you revealed to Chris Matthew's? Sorry sir, if this was genuinely impactful to you and you were in a condition of dread for your supporters and American nationals, you would know everything about hours after the fact. Unimportant seconds? Huge Donald, we aren't moronic. A considerable measure of us can see through this ploy, and it is getting nearly to the fatal point. You need to end this and end it now. The point? The media and columnists (generally, albeit some are transitory around the thought and not saying it specifically), played into Mr. Trump's hands like putty. He stole the focus on each news channel and was on the front page of each significant daily paper (with the exception of the Los Angeles Times, the fourth biggest promoted daily paper in the United States which did not have any comments of the rally and Trump on the front page at all on Saturday, March twelfth). He played astounding on Thursday since he knew Friday he would have been the manikin ace and everybody would have eyes on his name and logo: Trump - Make America Great Again. What's more, by and by? I've had enough. It is sickening, repulsive, and dishonorable. Mr. Donald Trump, you are behaving recklessly, and in the event that you don't stop there will be lives lost over these jokes.

President Trump Message to Kim Jong Un: North Korea is a HELL No One Deserves

I started taking a gander at what was happening, and all of a sudden everything fit properly. It resembled all the LEGO's dropped out and happened to adjust and fit properly. In spite of the fact that the acknowledgment all seemed well and good, it influenced me to debilitated to my stomach. It demonstrated a power floating over many individuals. Sadly, some were harmed all the while, including an officer of the Chicago Police Department. My acknowledgment? "My God, this was a total set-up, and I know unequivocally who is behind it. The man whose name is put on the field." Donald J. Trump. Also, he in such an able and exact way could arrange this to happen. Furthermore, my acknowledgment was asking which is scarier: That the man can do that? Or, then again this could be the following pioneer of the United States of America - including holding the codes to our atomic warheads. No, I am not going insane trick scholar on you. In any case, what I am doing is legitimately instituting conditions in sequential request and impartially adjusting each to see an unmistakable picture. Underneath, I will succinctly demonstrate to you my point of view and how it isn't a paranoid idea by any stretch of the imagination, yet it is taking a gander at what is going on behind the camera which many individuals get sucked into just observing 15-20% of reality. I will do this in three focuses. To begin with: There was a Republican open deliberation held the earlier night facilitated by CNN, and contrasted with all other Republican verbal confrontations previously that, the level headed discussion was... Level headed discussion? In past occurrences there were squabbling forward and backward, talking more than each other, verbally abusing, (for example, "Little Marco," "Huge Donald," "Stifle Artist," "Washout," "Spook," and sincerely the rundown could continue endlessly. Be that as it may, watchers on the past Thursday night saw four competitors (Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and John Kasich) talk about outside arrangement, residential issues, and everything in the middle. The quantity of bantering and verbally abusing? Zero. The quantity of the outstanding "political humdingers," I could depend on one hand. Contrasted with the past verbal confrontation where a whole 12 minutes (yes, I planned it) was dedicated to belligerence about hand estimate, which Marco Rubio at that point commented, "Well, little hands then you recognize what else is pretty much nothing," in reference to Donald Trump, which got feedback from media outlets all around. Without a doubt, the applicants that could be the following pioneer of our nation were contending and making remarks on male genitalia on national TV. Be that as it may, Thursday night it appeared like every one of the hopefuls had been given Xanax before going in front of an audience. Unless you are a supporter of governmental issues, you would have discovered the verbal confrontation exhausting and dull. While this was going on, I saw that in spite of the fact that it appeared Mr. Trump had practically changed, there was a twinkle in his eye. There was a small scale appearance all over this was not the end. What's more, in fact, he knew it wasn't. He knew that he was not going to make the front of daily papers around the nation of his insane jokes and ramblings. In any case, this did not trouble him since he knew he would get a considerably greater spotlight. Furthermore, it would have been about him and just him. At last? It did. Second: Donald Trump's mobilizes have been replayed in clasps and playbacks by the media. Be that as it may, between the jests of "Little Marco" and "Lyin' Ted," Donald Trump tosses down F-bombs, vulgarities, and messy jokes like a mariner. Obviously, the media does not cover this because of controls, and it has become so terrible the Associated Press as of late had a feature writer compose an article about where do we adhere to a meaningful boundary of not having "vulgarities," but then keep the unique situation and truth about what happens. Indeed, that is the means by which terrible it is. A basic point that many don't understand is that at all Trump mobilizes the security is stringent and extreme. Individuals are sought, and even to the point of in the event that they have a stick or shirt on that could be "Hostile to Trump", and on the off chance that it is considered along these lines, they are either declined section or escorted out. Don't for a moment believe that Mr. Trump stops at calling Ted Cruz "an (Expletive Referring Women's Genitalia) either, in light of the fact that for protestors that do get into Trump revives, it is an alternate story. The following are immediate transcripted cites from Donald Trump at his encourages when a protestor has interfered. I have included dates and place. I have overlooked some since they are monotonous. February 1, Cedar Rapids, IA: "If ya see somebody who's going to toss a tomato, thump the poop out of them, OK? Simply thump the damnation... I guarantee you, I will pay the lawful charges." February 22, Las Vegas, NC: "You know, I cherish the past times where in a place like this they'd be completed on a stretcher people." February 26, Redford, VA: "Get him outta' here! Get him out! Hold up, would you say you are from Mexico? It is safe to say that you are?" Warren, MI: "Get him outta here. On the off chance that you hurt him, I'll pay the legitimate charges." Walk 4, Cadillac, MI: "Get him outta' here! Get him out. Thump the (Expletive) poo out of him." Third: The scenes of all past Trump energizes have been extremely unbiased or focused towards his gathering of people. Security high. Furthermore, a tight belt of law implementation actually contracted security, and Secret Service (which is considered and given to prominent conceivable Presidential applicants). Here is the thing that we know from reports taken from FOX News, CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, and an expansive field of announcing that all adjusts. - The scene was on a Friday evening, what might be regarded "Prime Time", at the University of Illinois at Chicago which is an extremely different grounds and area. - Security was insignificant. Some revealed and said that there were not even security checks at the front entryway, and if there were, it was by the field to process sacks for guns. - Openly vocal protestors outside the setting were permitted in and given seats nearby supporters. (At all different settings protestors were made a request to remain a specific separation from the property since it was in fact a "Private Event.") What was going on? The ideal set up for struggle, battles, and disorder to make Breaking News on each medium outlet. What's more, it did precisely that. Last Thought: Mr. Trump has just been gotten in a lie. A lie that recounts the entire story in the event that you investigate it. The representative that went ahead stage and told the gathering of people as of now in the office and the "Warm Up" music booming, that "In the wake of talking with nearby law implementation, Mr. Trump has chosen for security motivations to wipe out the rally until a later date." Later on Sean Hannity's show on FOX News and in addition Donald trump news Chris Matthew's show on MSNBC, Donald Trump emphasized that he addressed, "Chicago Police and they educated me it was best to cross out the rally." And that he was going to make that big appearance when this happened. Yet, here is the thing that really happened. The Chicago Police Department discharged an announcement one hour later that, "We never addressed Mr. Trump and did not advise him of any security concern, nor would have in that there was not one. The security concern occurred after the declaration by the Trump staff." What point? The time when the tumult broke out. The point that Donald Trump set Trump supporters against dissidents in light of the fact that the dissenters had "won," and we as a whole know how Trump and his devotees feel about winning. This at that point caused the breakout of battles, contentions, racial slurs, and punches being tossed. Was Trump even there? As I would see it, I don't trust he was. In spite of the fact that there was a dark SUV with one dark car in front and behind it, which was evidently him leaving, he said two altogether extraordinary articulations with both Sean Hannity and Chris Matthew's. On The Hannity appear, he expressed, "I was en route driving and was recounted the circumstance and simply needed to protect individuals." And just minutes, after the fact on, Hard Ball with Chris Matthew's Mr. Trump expressed, "I hadn't gotten off my plane that landed and heard, it was, it was recently the best thing to guard individuals." So which is it Donald? Is it safe to say that you were "Going to make that big appearance," as you staff said? "In your SUV made a beeline for the scene," as you revealed to Sean Hannity? Or, on the other hand "on your plane when it arrived," as you revealed to Chris Matthew's? Sorry sir, if this was genuinely impactful to you and you were in a condition of dread for your supporters and American nationals, you would know everything about hours after the fact. Unimportant seconds? Huge Donald, we aren't moronic. A considerable measure of us can see through this ploy, and it is getting nearly to the fatal point. You need to end this and end it now. The point? The media and columnists (generally, albeit some are transitory around the thought and not saying it specifically), played into Mr. Trump's hands like putty. He stole the focus on each news channel and was on the front page of each significant daily paper (with the exception of the Los Angeles Times, the fourth biggest promoted daily paper in the United States which did not have any comments of the rally and Trump on the front page at all on Saturday, March twelfth). He played astounding on Thursday since he knew Friday he would have been the manikin ace and everybody would have eyes on his name and logo: Trump - Make America Great Again. What's more, by and by? I've had enough. It is sickening, repulsive, and dishonorable. Mr. Donald Trump, you are behaving recklessly, and in the event that you don't stop there will be lives lost over these jokes.

The HIGH TIMES Interview: Marzi Montazeri

I arranged to meet guitarist Marzi Montazeri (former Phil Anselmo and the Illegals) a couple of weeks ago at the Rainbow Bar and Grill on Sunset Strip. The plan was to enjoy a few drinks, have a nice dinner and dive into the interview like a true, brazen professional. But as with any situation involving rock ‘n’ roll, an insatiable thirst for cheap beer and the adrenaline that was sure to spill while mingling in the very spot where legendary bands like Led Zeppelin and Mötley Crüe once came to relish in drunken savagery, the chances of getting out of there with any memory of the night whatsoever, much less with a well documented account of Marzi’s current affairs, were not on my side.

I thought about this, as my Uber driver dropped me off in front of the bar. “Welcome to the drunken jungle,” I thought. “You’re screwed.”

Once inside, I could tell the evening was destined to go down pretty much the way I had anticipated. There was simply too much happening all around us to properly take care of the business at hand. But then again, I began to ponder, through a series of two-fisted flashes of quasi-philosophic swill and burp-infused backwash, how this meeting was never really about work—although I had an editor back in New York that would surely beg to differ. From where I was sitting, Marzi and I were just a couple of guys with good intentions, each doing their best to conduct themselves like true masters of their respective trade in the midst of a wild-eyed Saturday night. Greater men than us would have broken under the weight of less debauchery. I had watched it happen countless times before.

Somewhere along the way, the mission, my assignment to find out more about this prolific guitar player, had taken backseat to the rapid pulse of the Hollywood music scene, and there was a point—I swear to the Gods of Earth and heavy metal, there was—when Marzi began to subliminally transmit a signal to me from across the table, quite possibly in the key of E-flat minor, that when translated to the English language sounded a whole lot like, “Fuck this interview shit, let’s just go out back and get stoned.”

So, that’s what we did.

We fired up a joint in what has been deemed Lemmy’s Lounge and proceeded to smoke the damn thing as though we were literally standing in the boots of those untouchable high heroes that had come before us. But the grand illusion was soon shattered when one of the Rainbow’s security guards politely told us that we would have to take the weed outside. Of course, we obliged. It was then that Marzi, a real charismatic force and all around nice guy, really began to loosen up. The man had a story to tell. So, no matter how hard his manager mad dogged me from across the way (at least that was my perception… but then again, I was probably just high), I kept my recorder rolling the entire time. It seemed the interview would go down as planned.

HIGH TIMES: You’re in town playing the Randy Rhoads Remembered show at the Jost Theater. How did you get involved with that project?

Marzi Montazeri: Brian Tichy, a former drummer for Ozzy Osbourne, Whitesnake, Billy Idol and a slew of other folks, reached out to see if I was interested in playing. So I came out here [to Los Angeles] and picked out S.A.T.O. [from Ozzy’s “Diary of a Madman”], because I really wanted to play that song. I think Sebastian Bach wanted to play it also, so I was like, “Whoa, I get to jam with Sebastian.” But then Tichy told me that Sebastian wanted to play it with his guitar player. On the night of the show, they told me that Gus G [former Ozzy guitarist] cancelled, so they wanted me to play “Mr. Crowley” instead. Crowley has two solos in it, so I had to learn the stuff real quick.

HT: Hell yeah, I saw that video. You got to jam with legendary bassist Rudy Sarzo. How was that experience?

MM: You know, so the time comes to go on stage, and I’m taking a leak, and I hear someone calling my name, “Marzi!” So I just run downstairs grab my fiddle, jump on stage and we started playing “Crowley.”

When it was over, I looked to my right and Rudy’s just walking towards me, man, and he reaches out his hand for a handshake. I shake his hand and say, “I love you, man,” and then he pulls me in for a hug. It was a very emotional moment for me. It was absolutely cool. This time around, on Thursday night, as a matter of fact, I got to jam with Phil Soussan.

HT: You also performed with a Rush tribute this week at the Jost Theater.

MM: Yes. I played in “A Farewell to Kings,” which is four decades of Rush music. I picked the song “Anthem” from the Fly By Night album. I knew I could get away with playing it a little bit heavier than what Rush had done it and still pay homage to it…and so I did. I think that’s probably the heaviest version of “Anthem” being played, you know. I know other bands have covered it, but I did it quite differently that night. I even pulled off Alex’s [Lifeson] solo close to what he had done, even though I’m not the note for note guy. It was really fun.

HT: Washburn is about the release a signature series Marzi Montazeri guitar called “The Priestess.” How did that come about? I mean, how does a musician end up getting his own guitar model?

MM: A big part of it has to do with a gentleman named Joe Delaney, who is the president of U.S. Music Corporation. I had my eyes set on a signature amp, to be honest with you, and that’s what the talks were about…and it’s still going to happen. It’s going to happen next year at NAMM—my Marzi Montazeri signature head. But with the guitar, that’s first obviously, that was the push from Joe. I think he has the same kind of spirit as I do. When he saw me play, I think he saw this wild American blues, hard rock, aggressive metal, extreme player, where it was just like fun and dangerous. I think that’s what he liked about me, and he pushed for it.

So he connected me with Greg Heritier, who has been with Washburn for about 15 years, and Greg and I—Greg lives in Amsterdam mind you, I live in Houston, Texas—went back and forth in the beginning. It was like a tennis match. We weren’t seeing eye-to-eye. He had some vision and I had some other vision. But we created this baby together. The Priestess that you see today is our baby. It’s the fruit of our labor, so to speak. I got to tell you, it exceeded my expectations. It’s comfortable to play it and it gets so many different varieties of tones from like a Les Paul to the thing I love the most, which is a Gibson Firebird. Seymor Duncan designed a couple of Humbuckers for me we call “Hickups,” instead of pickups, because I’m a damn hick. It’s an extreme instrument…you can just get after it, you can go crazy with it, and you can literally play any sound of music that you want with it. It’s about to be available through Musician’s Friend.

HT: Let’s address the elephant in the room. What happened with Phil Anselmo and the Illegals?

MM: It ran its course. I did what I was supposed to do and it ended. I found out through the Internet. Someone posted a picture of the band with another guitar player, so that’s how I found out. I was more relieved than anything. It had run its course for me, and musically I’m obviously already doing other things. I’m glad it happened. I’m really happy where I’m at, and I wouldn’t be here right now if that gig wouldn’t of happened. I have no ill feelings whatsoever, and what I accomplished during that time was notable. I’m off to a new chapter.

HT: When you and I first met in St. Louis during the PHA and Illegals  “Technicians of Distortion” tour a couple of years back, you seemed pretty excited to get started on the band’s second record. Did everything just go to shit from there?

MM: In my heart, I thought there was going to be a sophomore attempt, but a sophomore attempt would have pushed that band, especially with the same line up, to another level. And I don’t think it was something they were welcoming with me being a part of it. I require a certain type of attention. I’m a songwriter. I’m not a follower. I’m not going to have my contribution not be noted, and they were not noted. I was not credited for the things I had done, so I wanted to take charge of that this time around.

HT: So, that’s when you decided to go out on your own?

MM: You know, I was really anxious because I obviously want to put music out, but I didn’t want to rush anything. I thought, “What do I have to prove…why don’t I take my time and do certain things to make sure that this music gets heard on a broader scale.” So I met with a friend of mine [Paul Provost] that had the same idea about my career, so we became partners and started a label called Crunchy Western Records, which pretty much describes what type of music I play. If you were to dissect that label, I would call it heavy Texas blues and beyond. Now you can take that to any kind of southern genre and change it to Mississippi and you’re still going to get that same kind of thing. I think there’s a little bit of Marzi in everybody, so I wanted to make sure that I get this music out to people and share it with them.

HT: Does that mean there is a new Marzi record coming out in the near future?

MM: Yes. My first attempt on Crunchy Western is slated for 4-20, for obvious reasons. It is Marzi Montazeri featuring Tim “Ripper” Owens… or something like that. It’s just me and Tim Owens, who is former Judas Priest. It’s unlike anything else he’s done before, which makes it really interesting. It’s refreshing, and at a time like today, for us to be doing what we’re doing, I cannot wait for the people to hear it. We got Chris Collier, a Grammy nominated engineer/producer from Los Angeles to work on this record. He has put his golden touch on it and made it sound absolutely amazing. I can’t wait, and it’s coming April 20th. By then, we will probably release a video or sneak peak of song. And that’s just the beginning.

HT: How did you get involved with Tim Owens?

MM: I was backstage trying to catch my breath after a show ,and this girl comes and says, “Bobby Blotzer from Ratt wants to say hi to you.” Now I’m like in North Houston, okay, what’s a Hollywood boy doing there? I thought they were full of shit, and I was like, “Go fuck yourself.” The door opens up and he’s just sneaking his head in. He was lit up and said something about doing too many shooters. I didn’t know what “shooters” were because we do shots in Texas. He tells me my performance was the greatest display of metal he had ever seen. We befriended each other that night. He later invited me out to his house for a little barbecue. After that, he asked if I wanted to be on the Judas Priest tribute record [Hell Bent Forever]. We were going to do the song “Exciter.”

He had a studio in Houston, and when I showed up he said, “Where’s your guitar?” I told him I brought a pick. I was so unprepared. There was a cool guy at the studio and he let me borrow his Les Paul. As I’m warming up, this guy tells me, “Hey, you know I come to Houston often. If you want me to give you guitar lessons, I will.” It was Tim Owens. He’s perfect. His harmonies are amazing. He is a freaking machine, man, and he’s a true gentleman. He’s an articulate guy who takes care of business, and to top it all off, he has a great sense of humor.

HT: What about your band Heavy As Texas. Can we expect to hear new music from that as well?

MM: Yes. The next release we’re doing is from my band Heavy As Texas. It’s got unbelievable members in it, just great, talented, beautiful people. We got the great Kyle Thomas of the original Exhorder from New Orleans. Best heavy band ever. He was with many other bands, like Alabama Thunder Pussy, which had a hit song called “Words of a Dying Man.” It was on MTV. He is now the current singer for Trouble, and he is also the current singer for Heavy As Texas.

HT: Are there plans to tour with any of these projects?

MM: Definitely. Not only will Heavy As Texas tour the U.S., we’re going to go to Canada, Central and South America, and I really predict Europe before anything else, too.

HT: I was just talking to a member of your crew. He told me that you get stoned before every live performance. Is that true… because your playing seems flawless?

MM: Oh man, yes absolutely. It’s a ritual. There’s nothing wrong with it. Best thing to do is to medicate. But I’ve never done it for the sake of wasting time. It’s always inspired me. First thing marijuana did for me in my twenties was make me a more focused musician. I was such a sporadic, son of a bitch guitar player… all over the place. It made me very perceptive in this world where you have nothing but distractions. So I’d put in a movie like “Pink Floyd: The Wall” with my buddies back in high school. I’d even tell em’, “Man, not a peep out of you motherfuckers. Nobody talks until after the movie and we can discuss.” So we’d burn one and watch the movie. You could tell everyone was into it. You can hit a joint without having to flap your damn mouth. And it was awesome. Then we would have a lot of pizza and jam out. You know there’s always a fun aspect to it.

HT: So do you prefer marijuana to booze?

MM: The alcohol versus marijuana debate is the most asinine, ignorant thing I grew up with. I still hear about it, and I’m like, “you must be joking.” People drinking bottles of whiskey, looking down on you cause you smoke weed. Living in Texas, it’s just taboo. They sit there with a drink in their hands, slurring their words, but criticize me for doing something natural, from the earth, to help myself focus or help myself because I’m sick…because I am, in many different ways.

HT: Have you ever been busted for marijuana possession?

MM: Man, I’ve had so many brushes with the law, it’s not even funny. But it is funny as hell. I can tell you stories for days. One time, we had like a half-pound, and my buddy and me get pulled over. Both of us had warrants. The cop took our licenses and you know, the pot was right under my feet. He came back and said, “You both have warrants, you know.” I was just thinking of all these bad things, and then he tells us that he doesn’t feel like dealing with it. It was after hours, and he was ready to go home, so he pardoned us and said, “I’m sure you guys are going to take care of these warrants.”

Another time, I had a couple J’s rolled in my truck for after a gig. The truck was a ’62 Ford…no tags or insurance. I don’t know why I took it to the gig. So we get pulled over by eight state troopers. It wasn’t eight in the beginning, it was just one. But they were like piling up one after another. I gave these two joints to my guitar tech and told him to get rid of them. This cop got us out and he questioned us. I remember he put me back in the truck, and he took my friend out. He was asking us if we had dope, and of course we told him no. He’s going through my guitar case, going through my cables and then second car comes, third car comes, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth car comes.

So they get us out and say, “what do we got here?” My brilliant friend had just tossed them, but the eight cops found them. So the main guy gets me out, but before I get to the bed of my truck he says, “We can talk about two chicken shit joints all night or,” as soon as he said they’re chicken shit joints, I told him they were mine. I saw anger in him, so I fessed up quickly. I told him I was going to smoke them after my show. And he says, “Well, why did you lie to me?” I said I got nervous man, I’m scared, my girlfriend’s 10 months pregnant. I remember saying that: My girlfriend’s fucking 10 months pregnant (laughs). Then he said, “Go on and get then.” I swear to you. Go on and get. After 45 minutes, get it to a climax like that. I fucking took off and got with my buddy. The joints were on the dash and I helped myself to one on the way home. Good times. It was awesome.

Mike Adams is a freelance writer for HIGH TIMES, Snoop Dogg’s Merry Jane and several other marijuana-themed publications. His work has also appeared in Playboy. You can follow him at: http://ift.tt/1ZNXISA, on Twitter @adamssoup or on Instagram @mikeadamsofficial.

Keep up with all of HIGH TIMES�� culture coverage, here. 

from Medical Marijuana News http://ift.tt/2lvRNUi via https://www.potbox.com/