#no cause THIS hurts so bad actually now that i think about it cause if u had a loved on in hospital in critical condition u KNOW this
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Xan you pls so some nash sad headcanons?
of course<3. may be shorter than my other sad hcs cause i'm currently sick. i might make some more when i feel better. small, small trigger warning for suicidal thoughts, self harm, and tobias hawthorne. hope you enjoy!
he's obviously extremely protective of his brothers. so much that, when skye or tobias got mad at one of them, nash would convince them it was his fault so they wouldn't hurt his brothers' feelings
this is less of a head canon cause he mentioned this in tbh, but nash is convinced that everyone will someday leave him, and that he'll end up alone.
although tobias and skye hurt him a lot (verbally, they didn't hit him obviously), he had to pretend he was fine all of the time for his brothers. they thought he was a disappointment because he didn't act like a 'real' hawthorne. he didn't tell anyone.
the pressure he puts on himself sometimes becomes too much. so much that he's considered ending his life by jumping off of a bridge/overdosing on smth.
high school was extremely tough for him but no one knew. he felt like he had the world on his shoulders and couldn't speak to anyone about it. his grades would start going down (mind you, they were still great), and tobias would get mad at him. he'd try extra hard to succeed, and he did, but at the cost of his mental health
the reason why he has a savior complex is bc he wishes he could've saved his brothers from everything that tobias did to them. it became even worse after emily. he thinks it was his responsibility to warn them and help them. he know thinks he has to save everyone to make up for it.
nash thinks of himself as a complete failure. so much that sometimes simply looking in the mirror makes him cry.
this one will sound corny but he saves everyone but himself (he doesn't think he deserves to feel better)
he puts everyone's needs in front of his own. he sometimes doesn't eat, sleep, etc just to help his family. (he ended up in the hospital once cause he passed out due to malnutrition)
when nash was younger, he wanted his father in his life so badly he would go beg tobias to tell him his name. he wanted someone who would be there for him bc no one else was.
he used to think there was smth wrong with him bc he wasn't like his other brothers. at the same time, he knew it was partly bc he knew how messed up his grandfather was, but he still wished he could be like the others/accepted.
tobias used to tell him that he was extremely disappointed in him all the time. tobias wanted him to take care of more than he could take. tobias didn't actually care if it took everything out of nash, he just didn't want to take care of everyone else himself.
tobias used to hear him cry at night but didn't do shit to help him. he thought that nash had to toughen up (he was like 13)
nash doesn't like letting other people do things for him bc it makes him hate himself even more. he feels bad when people take on what he thinks is his responsibility. at the same time, it makes him cry cause it makes him feel loved.
he gets mad at himself bc he thinks he's overreacting all the time. he tells himself other people have it worse and that he has no right to complain when he has such a good life.
in high school, he was actually in some pretty sketchy friend group. they took drugs and stuff and got him into it. nash never got addicted, but he now takes drugs when everything becomes too much for him.
in my jamie head canons, i said that he hits punching bags until his hands start bleeding (and even that doesn't stop him sometimes). i think the same goes for nash. he wouldn't self harm in a way that made it obvious to himself that he was harming himself. he'd do it in 'subtle' ways that he could convince himself weren't self harm.
his hands are really messed up for multiple reasons. the boxing and the fact that whenever something goes wrong, he bites his nails and the skin around them.
(idk if this one is even possible, but i'm on the verge of falling asleep and want to finish this) when he fails to save someone, he'll stuff his head in a pillow/in his cowboy hat to cut off oxygen. it kind of brings him back to the present when he starts spiraling.
he has really bad anxiety and actually takes pills to deal with it. all of his responsibilities and stuff weigh him down a lot.
he does so much for others that when he got together with libby and she started doing things for him, he'd actually cry. she'd make him breakfast and he'd tell her it was too much.
he used to have trichotillomania (mental health condition that involves irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows, or other areas of your body). over time he got better, but sometimes it comes back when his anxiety is really bad.
he used to make his mom drawings and gifts in hope of getting her attention (she never cared). he used to think it was because his drawings weren't good enough, so he'd try again and again until he realized he was the problem.
nash personally blames himself for all of the pain tobias caused people (like lyra and stuff). for some reason, he thinks he should've stopped him somehow even though that's impossible.
he used to come home really scraped up because he'd get into fights for his brothers whenever someone was mean to them or hurt them. he has some permanent scars on his body bc of the fights, but he still thinks he should've done more.
whenever nash does something he deems 'wrong' he hears tobias' voice in his head telling him he's a failure.
a happy nash head canon to finish this off:
nash, as a kid, loved ducks. he would head to ponds to feed them, and he owned like 294810 books on ducks. he had tiny duck figurines in his bedroom (and still does). he used to make short videos about them and his little trips to the pond with his camera.
#the inheritance games#jameson hawthorne#grayson hawthorne#avery grambs#nash hawthorne#xander hawthorne#libby grambs
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A lil Blurr redesign for the Life of Rescue Bots Au because I wanted her to look femenine (I know in the show is male but Rescue bots don’t have enough women and I wanted some body angst for the Chase and Blurr plot, and by that I mean father and daughter plot)
I added the lil things that look like antenae cause of Chase’s moving fins of his head sides, that move when he hears something, and also I added an ambulance mode because they really need a real ambulance in the program, they don’t even have one in academy :v
In conclusion: i keep much of the body shape cause of her personal plot but also wanted her head to look femenine, and of course her character as well, added and alt mode ambulance and antennae so she would look physically more to Chase
In this Au she was an ilegal racer back on Velocitron before the war knock at the planet, she was one of the best but always get injured, the debts were higher and with the police getting out of control just as the people, she and Salvage decided to escape together to another planet near, but something went wrong and they both ended up crashing on earth and then into stasis, if they weren’t asleep so much time they would probably had Chase’s age but due to the stasis, they remain as teenagers, the day the sky turn red and green due to the battle between Mandroid and the autobots, the ship they were trapped into send a signal to Griffin Rock, because it was near, so the rescue team went into the rescue and awake them, becoming since then the two new members of the rescue team with Sissi. Even if sometimes acts like a kid she is really passionate and love people but is a little insecure in the moment of recieve and give care, she was orphan just like Salvage, they only learned to trust in each other, even when Blurr treat Salvage like less and lie to him too much times to count it or Salvage says things at her ear to annoying her and keep her away from the rest.
it’s actually something i want to talk about not here but in a comic but if Blurr and Salvage are teenagers who grew up alone and treated like scrap i would not be surprised that they depend too much into each other at the point of a toxic relationship where Blurr treats Salvage like less even if can’t do anything without him and Salvage makes her think no one is enough or secure for her except him, so, yeah, both have problems and need therapy… you know? I’m going to edit Salvage’s psychiatric disorder from ‘none’ to ‘emotional dependent’ I literally just thought in the idea and like, i didn’t even planned that Salvage and Blurr would be such a mother fraggers ajksjaksjs
But don’t think wrong, Blurr and Salvage are not bad, they are just hurted and don’t know how to deal with the situation, Blurr can be a little egotistical for all the years she had been thinking and taking care about herself and Salvage talk to her just like she wants because he knows her well, enough to be like a second conscience, they do what they think necesary to survive because what is now a toxic relationship was Salvage’s superhero who could keep him safe and sound and never allowed a night without energon, and Blurr’s family who cure her wounds and kept her faith in humanity (well, velocitranity?), they just were together too much time and started treating the other with more authority than they actually have.
I think sleep absence is making me do angst, night mfs, I need more sleep than Kade dreaming with gremlins
#art#for you#artists on tumblr#illustration#oc artwork#transformers#for your page#rescue bots#Life Of Rescue Bots Au#Blurr#Salvage#tf rescue bots#tfrobotsindisguise
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YESS cc!reader x tgc would go hard please do it NO pressure tho!! 💕
ok i had an idea for isaac,, IM SORRY I ONLY DO HIM OR YUMI i promise i will do the others soon
drunk driving ♡︎
it was a normal day for you, wake up, get food, do a stream if you had the energy.
today was a different day, your boyfriend isaac was hanging out at your house as the two of you wanted to get some stuff done.
it was a nice day together, you both went grocery shopping and had a cute little date in a cafe
tonight you had a stream planned, your viewers knew you were close friends with the group, but never knew why you ended up becoming friends
isaac had introduced you to them and you all grew close since then
“babe? i’m just about to start a stream, i think im meant to be drinking.”
you laugh softly, searching for him as he wandered around the kitchen, soon enough finding him.
“you should let me be in it.”
“what about your face being in it?”
“i can put my mask and glasses on.”
your mind hesitates, pouting slightly as you think whether you would want him causing chaos on your relaxed streams.
although both of you had been together for a while now, neither of you told your viewers. it would be a nice introduction stream, and also suprise everyone.
“okay fine. but you can’t be screaming into my microphone, my streams are more relaxed than yours.”
he rolls his eyes, yet nods and smiles as he looks down at you.
(🤤🤤)
soon enough the stream was starting, isaac was still downstairs cleaning up as you welcomed everybody and let people join.
you were playing american truck simulator with yumi, tanner, and soon to be isaac. but you didn’t mention that and would let isaac come in whenever to surprise your viewers a little.
once you joined the vc, you were suddenly met with yumi angry about how he couldn’t exit a parking lot, and tanner laughing.
“y/n, is mr 6’2 joining us?”
“he should be, hes just cleaning downstairs.”
“malewife!!”
you giggle, reading your chat as you opened up the game. the call was deafened so you could answer questions from your viewers.
mr 6’2???
is shaquille o’neal in ur house??
WHO IS 6’2 THEY ARE TALL
as you giggle, leaving your viewer’s confused and looking for answers you start up the game.
“so i have to take a drink everytime i crash??”
yes
YES
drunk y/n time oh no
you laugh, when suddenly a notification of a donation comes through
isaacwhy donated 20$: “ill be up in a minute, u look good tonight :)”
the donation reads out, which leads you to rub your forehead in annoyance but amusement
“isaac you can just text me!”
this leads your chat practically screaming at you.
ISAACWHY???
WHY IS ISAAC HERE
HE IS MR 6’2 WHATTTT
you rolls eyes, undeafening in discord and getting onto the game.
within the span of 5 minutes isaac wasn’t up, but you were focused on driving and desperately trying not too crash; in which you failed and had already had 4 sips of your drink already.
suddenly, you feel a strong bicep go around your neck playfully. it was isaac, he wasn’t actually hurting you, just faking it for the stream
“chat i will literally kill her.”
he say’s playfully, with you playing along and saying some muttered “noo” and “helpp!”
Y/N NO
POUR YOUR DRINK ON HIM
RUN
he laughs, letting go of you as he stands beside you, only his body in view
(😫😫)
height difference check when??
“let me move my chair, out height difference isn’t that bad.”
you move your chair, standing next to isaac. your full body and face was in the the camera view, while isaac practically towered over you.
you laughed, getting back in your chair, as isaac crouched down next to you with his mask and glasses on.
soon enough, you had crashed about 50 times and isaac was your servant on getting you another drink.
“do you need another drink?”
“yessss”
“too bad you’re not getting it.”
“babee..”
your drunken self not realising that petname had slipped out, you both tried to keep the relationship lowkey throughout the stream.
but your intoxicated brain had slipped up, causing the chat to go wild.
babe??
EXCUSE ME
bro called him babe
y/n and isaac marriage when??
you laugh, reading your chat with your head spinning.
“when are we getting married?”
“i thought i was already your malewife?”
a few giggles come out from you, hearing tanner screaming down his mic that him and isaac were already married.
soon the stream ends, and you flop your head on your desk.
“come on babe, you can’t fall asleep there.”
no response.
he sighs, lifting you up with ease from you chair and throwing you over his shoulder, which might’ve been a bit heavy on your head from dangling upside down.
within minutes you were placed in your bed, changed into more comfortable clothing and fast asleep.
ok lowkey i do not like this at allARGHH someone tell me if its good or not 😢
bit of fluffy isaac at the end thooo
#the group chat#the group x reader#isaacwhy#tgc x reader#isaacwhy x reader#isaacwhy x you#the groupchat x reader#the group
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i find it damn near impossible to get mad at santana’s behavior in 3x06 and 3x07 because i genuinely do think she had the right to be lashing out at everybody. sue me idk
#idgaf if she was mean to kurt and blaine when they were “trying to help” in IKAG#they were the first performance & santana was put under the spotlight by the guy who fully outed her to the ENTIRE STATE OF OHIO & now she#-was expected to be just happy and jolly about some bullshit lady music week to celebrate women as if that has anything to do with wtf just#-happened to her by finn’s hands & of course she was upset because she was only back in the new directions because finn basically#-blackmailed her into rejoining like hello!!! so of course she was snippy with them… and tbh i don’t even think she was being that mean.#i think she’d have reason to be even MEANER actually. that reaction of hers was completely reasonable. and honestly it must’ve hurt seeing#-two people who are meant to Get what it’s like.. participate in that? especially when the last thing she wants is her sexuality that she’s#-still very insecure with Being broadcasted. to the whole damn club. it’s already about to be shown to all of ohio with names addresses#-details about her whole personal life etc like she really didn’t need that spotlight right then she needed to have space and love and#-support… none of which she got.#also the glee writers tend to make a character do a bad thing and then have another character do an INFINITELY WORSE THING#and then they’re like “oh but. the first character was being so mean. this absolutely deplorable and wayyyy too far reaction is definitely#-justified now because that was just so mean of the first character ugh!” and basically spins what happened into showing the first characte#-as the most evil person alive??? as if that’s even remotely true.??? and yes this is about santana cause they do this w her#and quinn. a LOTTTT. like a LOT. rn i’m talking ab santana though so i won’t cover quinn sorry fabrayers… one day!#like yes santana was being mean sure whatever. but finn didn’t have an excuse IDGAF what the hell anybody says about the body shaming stuff#it was mean. yes that’s true. but i don’t think you understand how different those two things are#they’re both bad but the outing is infinitely more despicable and personal and filled with malice and it’s so much more endangering in a wa#-that can’t even be compared to the dangers of body shaming you know. like they’re completely different and the outing thing is just too#-personal and Wrong like. idk. just get that through ur head they’re both so different and finn went way too far and personal. he could’ve#-just mocked her looks if he really wanted to get back at her. mocked ANYTHING else. but he chose the worst thing you could do to somebody#who is scared and in the closet and hurting#also yes santana’s written to be rude a lot of the time but her degree of rudeness in those episodes was Overplayed and def not in characte#like it didn’t feel much like santana’s brand of meanness it was 100% the writers trying to justify finn more because they continued to#-paint finn as the good guy who chose the high road… when that couldn’t be further from the truth thanks. he didn’t choose the high road he#-completely blackmailed santana and used her to make him look good basically. so you can’t change my mind on that Def being a writer issue#and just them Hating Women. especially santana. thanks.#also this is all coming from somebody who loves finn. so. 🤣#i fuckingggg hate seeing people say santana was mean and had no right to be doing all of that in those eps.. BITCH YES SHE DID#like in other eps sure (<- nuanced topic/take) but this one? No. she was justified IDGAF. should’ve been meaner
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lrt ive been thinking about that sort of shit a lot lately. like i feel like the general discussion of misogyny got nuanced a bit too hard and now a bunch of people are basically softcore mra's
#like to the point of where im scared to post about my problems or feelings with men online#i cant say 'i fucking hate men' without the chance someone will jump down my throat going YOU CANT SAYYY THAAAATTT#NOT ALL OF THEM ARE BAD YOU CANT SAY THAAAATTT#im scared to attribute any of my suffering to men or misogyny cause yall are fucking weird#like no fjcking shit not every single man is like that#can you just let me vent#do i have ro post a big fucking disclaimer every time i complain about rape culture that yes men can get raped too#this isnt fucking about them right now though so maybe get off my fucking post#im talking about me and my problems being oppressed in this misogyny controlled world nowhere did i fucking imply men cant get hurt as well#so actually at this exact moment no i dont have to think about the fucking nuance#can you just let me talk about my problems without demanding i give my attention and sympathy to men for 5 seconds
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i came home, panicked about one thing, and my toilet was leaking. bathroom floor is covered in water and brown particles. oddly, this has not improved my mood
#i just want to be a child again. i understand being a child was also miserable I am not glorifying my childhood#i was in pain and sad and lonely#BUT I WAS SAFE AND CARED FOR AND I NEVER QUESTIONED THAT no matter how much pain I was in#what I wouldn’t give for everything to hurt because I was so overstimulated by school and being bullied#being a kid had such clear cause and effect. being an adult is just…I am guilty and I want to cry everytime I think about the fact that I’m#here. i miss something that never existed and I’m the only one who is trying to remember a person who never existed but is important to me#(cause it’s me—I’m the only one who cares about preserving my childhood. my parents don’t give a damn. they were so busy surviving they#don’t remember it or care either)#why the fuck am I getting emails about a pizza party we didn’t ask for were an actual club now we don’t need your planned events fuck off#the way I was about to brag about our club name by just name dropping my school which would then make it so easy to find me holy shit my#internet safety is getting lax 🙈#boom’s bad days#omg I just got reccommended ‘boom blogs high’ what if I got high I would feel so much better#i keep just coping sober cause like. not relying on substances. but I don’t actually have skills rn to improve my issues so like. substances#are more helpful tbh 🙈
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i know some people already pointed it out but like. eddie was in black. BLACK. he was in LITERAL MOURNING CLOTHES. he was already mourning. already prepared for the worst.
#buddie#crying about this is not enough i need to jump off a building.#no cause THIS hurts so bad actually now that i think about it cause if u had a loved on in hospital in critical condition u KNOW this#feeling so intimately where u think u already lost time. that time frame before the confirmation where u cant help but to wear black cause#u dont know what else u could possibly do and doing anything else feels impossibly#its such a simple thing really to wear a specific color but it feels like equivalent of giving up. in the days leading up to my#grandmothers death i wore nothing but black all the way to her funeral which i couldn't attend. god i understand him so bad.#god i love him so much he was already prepared for the worst he's so familiar with grief he just knew. im so glad he didn't to lose buck#but also just that whole entire scene. how the moment he knew chris was secure he turned away and wipped a hand down his face and the#moment he started to speak his eyes filled with theirs bc its just so much easier to hold it together when u r silent#like OF COURSE we didn't get a scene where eddie was only w buck OF COURSE like he couldn't even look at him he was only there bc of chris#cause he just couldn't face the possibility of losing buck. im so not well#eddie diaz#evan buckley#911 6x11#911 spoilers#911 6b#jesus fuck the typos are embarrassing im so sorry
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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i genuinely think fanfic might be ruining my life
#when i say all i do all day is read fic it's not a joke and i'm starting to think it is actually bad for me#it gets in the way of quite literally everything else in my life#it is what i use to deal with any emotion outside of generally happy or vague nothingness#i read it first thing when i wake up i read until the last second i have to get out of bed#i read all day at work and then read all night until my eyes hurt and i have to go to sleep#it makes up 90% of what i think about every single day#it is a huge chunk of what i talk about with other people cause it's all my thoughts#i can't make myself stop reading it#like i actually start going through withdraw or something#it gets hard to think and i can't focus and i can't sit still and i feel so so bored#and it feels like nothing else matters#i used to read science magazines for fun and now i can't even get through one article without feeling like i'm dying#there is some crazy good fic out there but most of what i read is like... the tik tok of stories#it's like the short form version of a book#it is taking over my life (i say that like this hasn't been true for probably a decade at this point)#but i literally don't know how to fix it#i can delete my ao3 but you can read without an account#i guess i could go wholesale and delete the internet off my phone#but i need that for so many other things#i straight up don't know what to do#i might actually need help. like i think i might be addicted the way some people are to social media
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.
#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere#one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions#so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so#despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself#and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral#it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me#not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared#and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her#I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else#but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult#and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side#to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side#she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences#and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control#religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk#having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe#she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough#I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike#and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends#because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting#now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side#it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks.#ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-
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what the fuck is up with the rise in trans hate how are people this sensitive about what someone else wants to do with their own body
#limebug.txt#literally its my life and i can live it however i want#and if the people around me try to stop me i WILL cut them off idc who they are i'm sorry#just fucking. let people live. god#if i let my hate win the way bigots let theirs win i'd be fucking lynched by religious mobs#insult my identity and i have to deal with it cause its your freedom of speech but i insult yours and i'm gonna go to a fake bad place??#god i hate religious people sometimes#so many transphobes either call it a mental illness or hate it because god said so and both of those are such STUPID takes#religion. well thats self explanatory#but mental illness??#that tells me everything i need to know about what they think of actual mentally ill people too#you wanna stop ppl from transitioning because its mental illness?? gonna take away bodily autonomy from other mentally ill ppl too now??#and ik they do with institutionalization and shit but that's such bs too#people deserve help but they only need to be locked up if they are hurting someone else#that's my controversial opinion for the day: people who only harm themselves dont deserve to have their autonomy taken away#even if they are hurting themselves. you can try to help but if someone doesnt want help then leave them tf alone#and what really differentiaties piercings and tattoos from 'self mutilation' anyway#'god made you one way you cant change' fucking cry about it. humans have made the technology and i am going to utilize it#i will desecrate the face of god without hesitation.#i will mutilate myself gladly. i should have the legally protected right to mutilate myself because it falls under bodily autonomy.#transphobes are not the brightest
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I think the hardest thing in writing for me sometimes is the like “show don’t tell/let people communicate through subtext/Normal People don’t just walk around openly explaining their motivations for everything That’s Unnatural” thing because like.. I literally DO walk around openly explaining my motivations for everything, that is how I talk, I am an analytical detail oriented over-communicator who explains everything as thoroughly as possible and and will give a fully detailed 2 minute long answer to something simple like “how are you doing today?” .. like it’s hard to make things sound Natural and Normal when you yourself are inherently unnatural and abnormal in your methods of communication to an extent lol
#''hey. whats up? you look kind of sad.. is something wrong?'' normal answer (apparently how people are supposed to talk): *looks away#remosefully and stares into the distance* ''n-no.. I'm fine. don't worry about it.'' abnormal answer (how I would respond): ''Yeah I#'m mostly fine. I was just thinking about what the future is going to be like 30 years from now and if I'll ever actually accomplish anythin#g that I want to. which makes me feel X way for XYZ reason. you see because I had a dream last night that made me think of *continues to exp#lain my exact emotional state and inner thought process completely matter of factly in exact detail for 5 more minutes*#tfw you would be a badly written character if you existed in a story lol#This is also why I struggle making conflict because most conflicts can be resolved through conversation and I personally love to have long#detailed conversations about everything. Like literally I don't have hardly any conflicts interpersonally because if something happens it's#immediately followed up with like ''hey sorry if my tone of voice sounded a bit pointed or harsh. when you were talking to me I was trying#to balance all the stuff I was taking up the stairs and also my leg hurts so I think all my mental energy was being used there and I just#didn't feel like talking. I should have just said 'wait a minute and we can discuss it inside' instead of trying to end the conversation qui#ckly in a short rude way.' ''oh yeah thats fine. I thought it was something like that. sorry for hounding you about the topic as well. i#havent eaten in a while so I think I'm just a bit prickly at the moment. we should both rest for a while and destress from the store#trip and then talk about it later. maybe after lunch?' 'sure. sounds good.' like LITERALLY. lol#it is so hard for me to write characters who are bad communicators or don't understand their own internal states or arent constantly#analyzing their own actions to understand what they do/don't feel and why and what the cause of it is and etc. etc. etc.#I just naturally want everyone to perfectly undertsand everything and communicate amazingly and have complete self awareness and#logical presence of mind gjhbj.. which like.. of course comes across as unnatyural and also those type of people rarely ever get involved in#conflict and conflict is APPARENTLY what drives stories (even though I don't like most conflicts and just want to resolve them lol) so ...aa#I mean you can get around this to some degree by the fact that (at least in my opinion) no rule for dialogue is 100%. dialogue is good if it#sounds naturally like it comes from the character who said it. It can be meandering and pointless and rambly IF that matches the character.#it can be dry and overly self aware IF your character is that way and it suits them. So like throwing in a few detached scholar types or lik#e '5000 year old cave dwelling hermit' type people is good for me and works BUT the thing is an ENTIRE cast of characters can't be that way.#at some point - even in a setting where everyone is reserved and academic (like a research camp in the wilderness full of scholars and stuff#) still SOMEBODY has to be the one who's conflict prone and doesn't pristinely understand all of their emotions and etc. etc. Because statis#tically that is still literally the majority. Kind of like my tendency to make everyone 100% aromantic and asexul when it's like.. YES.. may#be 2 or 3 or even 4 out of 10 of them could be that way. but like.. an entire group? a diverse group of 10 people from all walks of life and#EVERY single one is like that??? hgjh . you have to add realistic variety#As much as I'm pro 'have more stories where sex or romance are literally NOT involved at all in any capacity since it's already oversaturate#d in media' I'm also dedicated to realism. alas. (at least as realistic as you can get in a fantasy setting lol)
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i called out... like right before my shift too. i am truly a monster. like they're going to have to find someone to cover my trucks. i just can't. like yesterday wasn't even that bad and i've been having fun, i enjoy the job i enjoy working and i just.
#like i put up with deep open sores on my ankles for this job. theyve only just now healed#and that didn't drive me to quit#but the last week has just been. like i didn't even go in that much because i hurt my knee last week and monday was labor day#my knee is fine now and i'm fine but i like had to leave early on tuesday because i was about to start fucking sobbing#and my brain was like . going joker mode.#i feel like. i have failed.#well actually i feel like a failure but i'm going to try and not be a bitch about this#i just want to have a job i keep and that i can go to while still like... feeling okay. and this is certainly not it#i guess i still had hope that this was... sustainable. because it was fun and easy#and really i'm being a baby like im not injured or anything#god being a quiter used to be so much easier before i like. realized i was doing that thing#that greg does in school in crazy ex girlfriend#he sings a song about it#like 'well i failed cause i didn't try'#and now im like. i tried. and i still weh weh weg#im also quitting before i like worked my self to the absolute bone and for some reason that makes me feel like i actually didn't try at all#do you think that black and white thinking is autism or bpd? vote now in the comments#i feeling like carving something pretty into my skin#wehhhh i made this whole post hoping to feel better after i vented but i still feel bad#i hope i die in my sleep#and the timing you know? the timing like this is just so fucking embarrassing but i dint fucking care#like congrats you got what you wanted there was a retard within 2 feet of you and now there's not
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ouch m.y tummy
#I'm going to complain a moment#I've had. Indigestion??? for almost two fucking weeks. Went to the doctor. I don't feel like he listened to me#hard to say though due to a language barrier. don't know what he fucking prescribed me but he told me I have#'pharyngitis'. okay so like. I'm not a doctor but that's a symptom isn't it? Not a cause?#and yeah I do have a sore throat but it is NOT the biggest of my concerns?#anyway. When I finish the prescription. If I still feel Bad. I will see a different doctor#but in the meantime FUCK#I need to buy chamomile tea and like. Stop eating several of my favorite foods i ducking guess. To see if that helps#I did feel worse after eating tonight so. Yeah maybe tomatoes and chocolate (dinner of champions) need to be tabled for a bit#(not dining room tabled though) (lol)#hnnnnnnnn also my teeth keep hurting. Went to the dentist. There's nothing wrong with my teeth#but notably I went to the dentist a few months ago and had the most cavities I've ever had in my life and that freaked me out that maybe it#acid damaging my teeth????#anyway. idk I've had a little issue with like. GERD I guess. Before. But I just took antacids and now that doesn't work#I tried drinking ginger tea about it but wow I fucking hate ginger tea actually. Think it made the nausea worse lmao#will accept medical advice from random Internet strangers or random Internet acquaintances btw
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On the one hand I have alot of self restraint when it comes to me doing things that I know will eventually hurt me but also I really want to do the things that will hurt me.
#wish I had the same urges for helping myself in the long run instead#but alas I want to no longer be a thinking human being who feels things#wouldnt life be so much better if you just gave in and then die? I think it would.#like genuinely all I’ve been thinking about is alcohol I want alcohol so bad#and I almost accepted some cigarettes from a coworker I am not having a good time#I cannot let myself have any nicotine I know I will become unbearable and the absolute worst human being#I am barely a decent human being now#like realistically I know I should like. not purposely do things that end up hurting me or cause actually harm to my body#but also I genuinely want nothing more than to simply not exist#but also doing certain things will make me more aware of my body and of my thoughts#idk very much a ‘I think I need therapy’ hour#the thing vents#idk not really negative but I’m tired of having ‘ooooh you want to drink so bad oooooh you want to smoke so bad oooooo#‘oooooh you want to hurt yourself so bad so you can stop having these thoughts oooooo’#like shut the fuck up and enjoy the moment and be happy but my brain fucjing wont
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did not just think about diana finding al just sitting on their bed holding their wedding photo in his hands after she brings him back, and he's just looking at it, visibly distressed, and the moment she touches his shoulder he starts crying and buries his face against her chest because he thinks he really ruined their relationship. good lord
#leah.txt#pair: ewskers#baby boy she would not have spent years regenerating your body if she hated you i am going to disintegrate i can't do this#i think when his viruses are stable his emotions are very much Not. i think the mutant strain changed specific brain chemistry and he lost#a lot of empathy and just the ability to really feel emotions. he was very numb. he knew he should feel a certain way and emulated that but#he didn't really *feel* and after everything is stable he's feeling things he hasn't in over 10 years and he's also in a very bad state of#mind from everything that's happened so oh boy things aren't going great for them#also numb except like anger. and hatred. he was being turned into a literal killing machine after all. notice how blood thirsty he got?#i have so much post volcano lore for them i can't do this i need to just. explodes. and like they are still working through things ofc (it#takes years) when diana is alerted of activity with the company and even though they go and do all of that like he is still trying to find#himself again and decondition everything spencer and umbrella drilled into his head. they are still evil and scheming don't worry there#besties. and they still think they are better than everyone else. this is fact in their minds. but like. there's a lot going on for him#i put him through a lot of pain and as much as i joke that i want to put him through a blender it actually makes me really sad. he doesn't#need more trauma lmao. yeah he is evil and fucked up but no child deserves what spencer did to him#fictional man making me really sad. i need to wrap him in a blanket#sir why did you have to go and try and kill everyone on the planet whadda hell is wrong with you i'm holding your hand#maybe if your wife was there kissing you then you'd calm down a little bit and not throw yourself into a volcano#not unfolding time coming on shuffle as i type this what is wrong with you spotify i can't go through this right now#i like to see powerful men weak and cry but also he is a ball of trauma and it hurts me#i have Many thoughts about why he did what he did in 5 cause yeah it's out of character for him to follow through with spencer's vision#but i don't think that's what he was doing. kinda hinted a bit at this with that one fight fic but also i have a whole essay somewhere
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