#brain hell
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loud phonk wont fix me but it will sure fuck up my brain so why not
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do yall ever. want to do something but your brain is stuck in a glue trap
#help#someone. yell at me or smth#i wanna make brownies#and im not#im just not#why the fuck#what the fuck#is this hell#get me out of here#brain hell#executive dysfunction#swearing#tw swearing#swear words#cw swearing
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you ever look at life and just want to ask why
why do I exist in a world full of people made only to hate me and who I am
why am I composed of parts that smash together in a discordant symphony of confusion and wrongness
why are the people that surround me spiteful or wrong or indifferent or simply bad in ways I cannot describe
why am I so fucking bad at understanding myself and identifying the emotions I feel other than sadness and rage
why did I learn to lie and fake emotions so young I no longer know which of my emotions are real and which are masks tied on with silk
why do I lie over simple and insignificant things without meaning only to regret the words the second they leave my mouth
why am I unable to simply live without fear or pain or anger or sadness that I don’t even know the source of
why was I put in these situations that caused me to grow into something I don’t recognize
I just need to look at life and ask why
#I don’t know#why#im having emotions I don’t even understand#Screams#cries#brain hell#vent#ig#i don’t even fucking know anymore#I want to scream and sob and laugh and run#I want to sleep and wake up and have everything be okay again#I’m so tired
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God gave me the uncool ADHD, instead of hyperfixating on fun stuff like movies or comics, I hyperfixate on the shit that makes me upset
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Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??
As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue
the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD
He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.
like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...
The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"
and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it
does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING
like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow
For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat
Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation
Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with
Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)
But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time
Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell
Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch
idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room
#hazbin spoilers#hazbin hotel#lucifer#lucifer morningstar#analysis#dissociation#look idk what to tell you all#I watched the episode and everything makes so much more sense#when you realize he's only intaking like 50-60% of the conversations#he's not bad at listening his brain is literally preventing him from getting everything#literally I've been there#the difference between him and me tho#is that he can't show it#he's the king of hell#he has to bluff his way through conversations#but yeah literally rewatch the episode with this in mind#and watch him reply to the things he DID catch#anyways#NEW BLORBO????#who'd've thought I would go into Hazbin Hotel#and come out with freaking LUCIFER as my favorite character#I love him#he's so sad
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so how about that durge
#tw blood#bg3#baldur's gate 3#astarion#halsin silverbough#the dark urge#durgestarion#if you know the song we can kiss on the mouth#this is ashe he’s a terrible creature#the bardiest bard to ever bard who makes astarion look SUNKISSED#he really said ‘if i have to be murder incarnate i should at least do it with style and panache’#my guy killed an elder brain and several gods in heels and corseted to hell#fun fact: before i played durge. didn't know about the bhaalspawn thing#accidentally made the most bhaalspawn looking fuck i possibly could
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does anyone else LOVE filling out Ao3 fic summaries, tags, notes, and other info, but HATE actually getting to the story part of it?
like "ah ha, this will be an epic and dramatic tale spanning exactly six chapters, where this, this, and this will happen!"
But then you get to the actual prompt and the world you made just dissolves
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cannibalism W
#it ruined my life#even out of source#meow#brain hell#tw vent#sowwy guys ik i have a vent acc but it just doesn't make sense to put it there#and they're (???) gonna be confused#(i have no idea who they are)#(uhm. eeeerm.)#(this is the first time ive thought about it and like. ??????)
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part 1 of my pining falin agenda aka it was so tragical that falin got benched for the entirety of marcille's little black dress morally bankrupt baddie era and falin thinks so too
(ID in alt text)
part 2
#dungeon meshi#falin touden#laios touden#farcille#marcille donato#in spirit#doodles#mine#dungeon meshi spoilers#what w the anime coming soon#i've had this sitting in my files for WEEKS uni finals are a unique circle of hell#but anyway this was ryoko kui's biggest crime against lesbians#yassifying both halves of the otp then denying them their fundamental human right to slay the house down. TOGETHER#i have another comic on the brain abt this w marcille so stay tuned and hold me accountable
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Zelda goes mushroom girl
#tloz#a link to the past#zelda#link#my art#I was happy with that first one but for some reason decided it still needed a companion piece so I spent way too long on that second one...#I don't think there was any time during the progress where I was happy with it but hfduhdfu at least I got to Attempt drawing moss hell yea#I also at some point sat in Pyu's art stream and said I enjoy drawing legs As I was being murdered by the infamously impossibe (imo) squat.#it's ok I had fun !! but I need to learn how to let doodles be doodles or I'll never finish stuff at this rate dfsuhfd#if everything in my tloz tag looks like it was drawn by different people uuuh 2023 was art crisis year ngl......#I'm falling back into my old ways rn though#anyway I think about these two a lot I think they're both stone faced and awkward ppl in different ways but they try rly hard to be friends#like I like to think it starts out so incredibly awkward and a bit sad bc they keep stepping over each other's toes accidentally the harder#they try but idk they find comfy middle ground idk in my brain they have a very interesting friendship I wanna get around to drawing it#in a proper way that might make sense....#if I don't write 200 tags I will die maybe it's bc I grew up on dA or smth#and yes I know how to find 1 (one) type of mushroom /I/ am not mushroom girl unfortunately smh
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me go to sleep at the same time more than two days in a row challenge!!!!!
#its not even like a night owl thing atp it's just constantly slipping. i have to wake up 2 hours later than yesterday or ill implode ig.#brain hell
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this
This.
THIS.
THIS.
THIS.
This!!!!!!
(also, to everyone getting on my case about not reblogging or reposting, I actually tried to find this Tumblr after I found the post on Pinterest and it doesn't exist anymore, so shut up and get off my back 🙃)
#living with autism#anxiety and autism#autism#autistic adult#actually autistic#autistic communication#adhd#adhd adult#adhd brain#audhd#the hell that is trying to find a job when you are neurodivergent#it is specifically designed to work against us#nothing is made for us#we just get royally screwed
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im gonna fucking throw up im so fuckinf terrified because of some stupid ass untagged post and im gonna die snd fUCK
#brain hell#fuck how do i tw this#i know this is a delusion or something#but its so fucking scary#WHY#vent
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Lap Pillow
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#Confessions of a missed opportunity: I almost had LWJ in purple for this comic.#WWX gives him one of his layers to wear and it's never specified what colour it is.#We all love the red inner robe from CQL (And other illustrations) but sit with me for a moment. Think about LWJ in Jiang Purple.#Right now. Close your eyes and give it 5-10 seconds of rotation in your brain.#Welcome back. It's beautiful isn't it. As I write these notes I am upset that I backed out of going through with it.#I think I will simply have to draw it another time. If we get gusu lan white wwx we *need* yunmeng jiang purple lwj!#Anyways; this comic is the pinnacle of teen wangji's bursting-at-the-seams-emotionality that I love him for.#For my sanity I need that teen losing his mind and following bird rules (get fluffy - get blushy - keep beeping)#He is a loser nerd with a begrudging crush on a boy that he doesn't know how to be normal about.#LWJ seems like your typical 'cool guy love interest' until you realize that he's actually kind of soggy and pathetic.#My favourite lan wangji trait is that he's funny as all hell. I feel like wwx a bit because I had a character epiphany when I realized this
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