TW: talk of self harm••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Isn’t it weird how you can be so calm but the thoughts still manage to work their way in there. I’ve been feeling pretty stable recently, not on a high and not on a low, just sitting in that okay space that I’ve struggled to find all my life, but I don’t know if I’m there yet? I live in black and white, never found the grey space in the middle so I don’t know what it’s like to be there, all I know is I don’t know if Ive found it or if I ever will to be honest. Thoughts of self harm have clouded me this week, they come in waves like the ocean against the cliffs, slowly but surely making the crumble. I don’t want to crumble, I don’t want to step back and fall. Intrusive thoughts seem to just happen whenever they feel like it, an unwanted visitor, the grim reaper himself. I try and fight the thoughts off of course, and I haven’t acted on them but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain that sits in my stomach. I do not want to hurt myself, I have no desire to at all but living with a mental illness like mine the thoughts that tell me I’m worthless and unloveable etc sit with me until i believe them to be true. I’m not 100% okay right now, I feel overwhelmingly empty. Im writing this because I don’t want to bottle things up anymore, I want the world to see me for who I am, I want other to take comfort in the fact that they are not alone in their pain. If I can use my pain for good, I will always choose to share myself with you. Sending love, light and strength to anyone who needs it right now. #struggling #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #intrusivethoughts #irrationalthoughts #blackandwhitethinking #hypermania #depressiveepisode #bpd #ptsd #complexptsd #mentalhealthawareness #selfharm #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #bpdwarrior #cptsdawareness #ptsdawareness #depressionawareness #anxietyawareness #mentalillnessawareness #endthestigmaofmentalhealth #mentalillnessisreal #eliminatestigma #selflove #selflovewarrior #mymhjourney #borderlineandsurviving #borderlinepersonality #bpdthings #bpdsupport #mentalhealthadvocate

Christmas blues. Anyone else get that? That limbo feeling between now and new year, like you’re just waiting for everything to re start. I don’t know if that makes sense, my head feels pretty blurry. If anyone else is feeling like this, I’m sorry. I know it’s hard, I know it sucks. And we have to keep reminding ourselves it’s okay not to feel okay even over the festive period! ✨ I live with borderline personality disorder, so I crash real fast after I’ve been on a high. The past few days I’ve been on a high, I’ve been so elevated so I was kinda expecting this crash, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I’m feeling all sorts, and I can’t even name what I’m feeling. This is taking forever to write because I keep zoning out! I don’t quite feel as though I’m fully present, I feel so distant from everything and myself. Living with mental illness is feeling like you don’t exist in your own body. It’s not being able to understand what it is that you’re feeling or being able to process it. It’s sitting and zoning out for hours without realising. It’s feeling paranoid constantly that no one cares. It’s up and down up and down up and down all the time. It’s unpredictable. It’s knowing that you want to live but not wanting to always exist. It’s my every day life and it doesn’t go away just because of a Hallmark holiday. So if you’re in the same boat as me, I hear you and I see you and I’m with you. Sending you love,light and strength always. #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonality #borderline #emotionallyunstablepersonalitydisorder #eupd #personalitydisorder #dissociation #depersonalization #derealization #paranoidthoughts #intrusivethoughts #ideation #struggling #1in4 #complexptsd #ptsd #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthadvocate #bpdproblems #bpdthings #bpdawareness #bpdrecovery #bpdwarrior #mentalhealthwarrior #crash #mentalillness #mentalillnessawareness #sadgirlsclub #crybaby #itsokaynottobeokay #mymhjourney #borderlineandsurviving

The urge to isolate myself is so real at the moment. The urge to shut myself off from everyone, the urge to distance myself and stop contacting people is so present right now. I don’t know why but every year over the Christmas and new year period I feel the urge to hide myself and go off radar for a while. Maybe it’s because I’m so scared of feeling lonely, that it’s easier to block everyone out, it’s easier to pretend I don’t care. I wish we could just skip the festive period and just be like oh okay cool it’s a new year and just carry on and get on with life without big interruptions like New Years celebrations, I know I sound miserable, maybe I am. I wish I could feel positive about New Years celebrations but I always tend to just feel as though it’s a massive anti climax. Maybe it’s because I’ve never really had a chance to celebrate New Years? Anyone else ever feel like this big mixed up bag of emotions at Christmas/New Years? Or is it just me? I want to be able to celebrate my achievements of the year, I feel like I’m having this huge argument with myself because I know I’ve achieved loads and made a lot of progress but my brain is like LOL NO YOU SUCK. Bpd is rly fun 👌🏻 #newyearseve #lonely #lonelygirl #lonelynewyear #fucknewyears #imtired #bpd #angry #fedup #mixedemotions #emotionalcocktail #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonality #bpdproblems #bpdthings #bpdawareness #bpdlife #bpdsucks #mentalhealth #exhausted #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #alwaystired #alliwantforchristmasisgoodmentalhealth #mentalillness #abandonmentissues #abandonment #blackandwhitethinking #splitting #dissociation #depersonalization #idealization #idealise #ideation #borderlineandsurviving #mymhjourney

It’s a year to the day that I started therapy. I’m so proud of myself for sticking with it, I’m so proud of the progress I am making, I’m so proud to be showing more of myself to the world, I’m so proud to be in bloom and growing endlessly into the beautiful soul I am. Therapy does not mean you are weak! Therapy is there to help guide you through times of struggle, it is there to help you. Therapy won’t ‘fix’ me or ‘cure’ me but I don’t want to be fixed or cured, I just want to learn about myself and why I operate the way I do and why I experience the things I do in the way I do and learn how to manage them and have better insight into them. I don’t want to be anyone else but me at this point and that is progress in itself, I went into therapy self loathing, full of fear and hate and I can tell you I still feel those things at times but it’s not constant anymore. I am able to feel pride and confidence in myself, I am able to believe good things about myself. I’m a fucking badass warrior 💪🏻 Living with any kind of mental illness is hard work, but it’s work I am willing to put in now because I have finally realised that in this life I am important and I think once we realise our importance and worth and see ourselves for the incredible beings that we are, that is when we will allow ourselves love. Allowing yourself to open up to self love is so important, it is not at all selfish and I promise you the journey of self love is worth it, so starting from today I challenge you all to write one thing about yourself that you love each day ❤️ #todayilovemebecause I have so much empathy and compassion for others. 💫 #growth #bloom #empathy #compassion #therapy #integrativepsychotherapy #psychotherapy #oneyearintorecovery #recovery #selfloveclub #loveyourself #selflovejourney #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #complexptsd #ptsd #depression #anxiety #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #letstalk #headstogether #mind #survivor #borderlineandsurviving #mymhjourney

TOO TIRED. I’m currently recovering from a depressive/suicidal episode, I’ve spent most of my time resting either in bed or on the sofa. The tiredness I feel at the moment is so intense, I don’t feel like I have anything to give. My other half has spent the past few days doing housework and cooking for me because standing up for any length of time has just felt too much. These photos are from the day after my mum rushed to come and get me to prevent me from acting on my thoughts and urges, some of you may question how I had the energy to put on make up. My mum has done her make up as part of her morning routine for as long as I can remember so she invited me to come sit with her so we could do our make up together the morning we were getting ready to bring me home. I’m 25 but the child in me needed that. It was a way of connecting and we all need that. I haven’t been able to do it since that morning but I’m taking each day one step at a time, I hope this empty tiredness will leave me soon. Someone bring me the sun and remind me that it will be back soon, these dark days are hard to handle, i feel no spring in my step, I feel nothing but tired. I’m living, but I don’t quite feel alive. Hat from @bloodynorapam ❤️ #tootired #exhaustion #fatigue #mentalhealth #suicidalepisode #depressiveepisode #bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #complexptsd #depression #thefaceofdepression #depressionhasnoface #iam1in4 #recovery #therapy #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthadvocate #bpdrecovery #bpdawareness #borderlineandsurviving #mymhjourney

If I am the longest relationship of my life Isn’t it time to nurture intimacy and love With the person I lie in bed with each night Acceptance- Rupi kaur 🌷 ~~ Things I have learnt about myself this year: • I deserve to take up space • My body is beautiful • I am intelligent • I am funny • I am a force of nature, my entire being is magic • I have a voice, I can be loud with it • I have so many opinions and views on things and I’m learning to voice them • I am loving and caring • I deserve respect • I’m worthy AF • I am soft, I am gentle, I am powerful • I can be kind to myself • I am a badass warrior 🌸 This community on instagram has taught me a lot, I’m so glad I decided to create this page. Learning self love and acceptance has taught me so much, it has taught me that even though I live with mental and physical illness, I am a warrior and a badass one at that! So if you plan on making any New Years resolutions, try and include being kinder to yourself to your list because you deserve it! #newyear #newyearsresolution #2018 #mentalhealth #selflove #selfacceptance #learntoloveyourself #acceptyourself #youarebeautiful #youareabadass #keepstriving #wegotthis #loveyourselfalways #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #cptsd #bopowarrior #depression #anxiety #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #spoonie #spoonielife #invisibleillness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthsupport #bpdsupport #bpdawareness #bpdrecovery #bpdwarrior #borderlinepersonality #borderlineandsurviving

This is dusty and he is my emotional support animal. I rescued him 5 years ago and that was one of the best things I have done with my life. There are different way to acquire an emotional support animal and a lot of mixed information on the internet. So this is how I went about it. As previously stated I rescued dusty and from day one he became so in tune with my emotions, he comforted me when I’d had a seizures and helped bring me round from them also. He’s always cuddling me which helps calm me and brings me comfort. I spoke to my therapist about getting him verified with a certificate to prove that he is an emotional support animal, I had talked about places online and the cost etc However she swayed me away from going down that route because we actually don’t need to pay for a certificate, it turns out all you need is a document in the form of a letter from a medical professional stating that they believe your dog or cat alleviates at least one symptom of your disability! I’m not sure if this stands I other countries but in the UK it is recognised. Having a document proving your pet is an emotional support aid for your disability/Illness is a great help when it comes to things such as housing and benefits. My emotional support animal keeps me alive, he reminds me that even through the darkest of times when I find it impossible to reach out to anyone that there is love in my life. It has been scientifically proven that having regular contact with dogs and cats releases happy chemicals in our bodies which can calm and soothe our anxiety and stress levels. If you have any questions in regards to this post please feel free to dm me. Love to you all❤️ #emotionalsupportanimal #therapyanimal #supportanimal #rescuecat #cat #mentalhealth #mentalhealthsupportanimal #mentalhealthawareness #therapycat #therapyanimalawareness #happychemicals #endorphins #bpd #borderlineandsurviving #mymhjourney #loveyourself #ptsd #depression #anxiety #seizures #psychogenicnonepilepticseizures #mentalhealthadvocate

What do you do when you feel yourself dipping back down? When you feel overwhelmed by the sadness, the numbness, the intense hollowness. Write a list? ✨ I bought this with the intention of using it when I felt myself sitting in the depression and becoming at one with it, embracing it and letting it take over Letting it run my life looks like piles upon piles of washing A mountain of pots Putting things off Hiding ✨ These things may seem simple to most but when the depressive episodes hit, they hit hard so to climb back up I have to take baby steps and I also have to consider my chronic illness too. So yeah, I write a list for the next day each night until I stop needing to. Of course I’ve had to pick up this pad plenty of times, I didn’t just pick it up once, I keep picking it up. But I would rather catch myself as I’m falling and give myself a fighting chance of feeling as though I can face the next day. ✨ Managing mental illness is challenging, but having tools like this can help keep you above water. So tomorrow, bring it on. ✨ #copingskills #copingtools #mentalillnesstools #mentalhealthtoolbox #bpdblogger #bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillnessawareness #depressiveepisode #bpdepisode #depression #borderlineandsurviving #bpdawareness #cptsd #recoveryisworthit (at Scarborough, North Yorkshire)

This is not a before and after photo, this a photo of my growth as a human being. I know some people in this community aren’t a fan of the before photo and that’s fine but it’s important for me right now to see how far I’ve come. In the first picture around two and a half years ago I had just moved to scarborough, I had made friends and loved spending time with them but I still hated every part of myself. I was still suicidal, I was still engaging in harmful and dangerous behaviours. It took some time but I got a diagnosis, I eventually went to therapy a year and 3 months ago and I’ve never worked as hard on anything in my life. At first I honestly didn’t think it was worth it, I didn’t think it would help at all but wow, fuck me i am so proud of myself because I WANT TO LIVE. I mean, I actually like myself? I never thought I’d see the day where I felt confident in the person I am, I never thought I’d see the day where I woke up and didn’t feel disappointed. I’ve grown and I will keep on taking up space in this world because I deserve it so much! When I look at that first photo, it seems like a life time ago that I had no life in me or desire to live life and to love life. Sometimes we don’t realise how much progress we have made, but after my therapy session today I realised I’ve done the hardest thing of all, I made time for myself, I took care of my needs and accepted who I am. The more I embrace every inch of my being, the more empowered I feel. THIS IS ME. #glowup #mentalhealthglowup #transformation #imatter #thisisme #recovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #livingwithmentalillness #mymhjourney #borderlineandsurviving #hardworkpaysoff💪 #iamproudofmyself #complexptsd #ptsdrecovery #cptsdwarrior #depression #suicidal #surviving #mentalhealthwarrior #badass #warrior #selflove #mentalhealthadvocate #therapy #psychotherapy #arttherapy #talkingtherapy #mentalillnessawareness

Vegan Christmas dinner for me 🙊💜 My belly has been full of food and laughter today. I hope you have all managed to find some joy in the day and if you haven’t I promise it’s okay, it’s okay if you haven’t enjoyed today. 💜 It’s okay if you have enjoyed part of the day and found other parts difficult, mental illness doesn’t take a holiday and I think we are badass for just being here! Also, another reminder, it doesn’t matter how much you ate today, you still deserve to eat tomorrow 💕 #christmas #veganchristmas #vegan #crueltyfreechristmas #vgang #earthlinged #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #itsokaytoeat #eatwhatyoucan #loveyourself #loveyourbody #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #disorderedeating #food #warrior #mentalillness #mentalhealthadvocate #mymhjourney #borderlineandsurviving

Today I’m celebrating Christmas with my other half. Im cooking a Christmas dinner and it is the first time I have cooked properly in months. Recently I have lived off stuff I could just pop in the oven because either my mental or physical health has just been too much. I’m excited to eat a home cooked meal, but I’ve definitely had to prepare for this. I’ve had to rest quite a bit before doing this and I will have to rest after (google pacing technique for more info) I don’t have as much energy as I would like, but I’ve got some and I’m going to do the best I can with help of course 💜 I miss cooking, it’s something I have always enjoyed, Im working it into my self care plan and hoping to be able to cook more regularly soon. I will always and keep figuring out ways I can keep doing things I enjoy whilst battling with mental illness and chronic pain and fatigue, I want to enjoy things in my life. I know some days are rest days and I know they are much needed, I know I need to look after myself to enable myself to carry on. 2017 has been a decent year, but I’m going to make 2018 my bitch. I’m good to keep on surviving, I’m going to keep on fighting. We are all worthy as fuck! No matter where we are at in our lives, we all deserve to be here and take up space. Learning self love and self acceptance is one of the best journeys I decided to be on. It is incredible to no longer hate myself. Keep doing what you need to do to survive 💜💪🏻 #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #mentalhealthawareness #bpd #depression #anxiety #chronicillness #chronicpain #fatigue #chronicfatigue #keepgoing💪 #keepfighting #borderlineandsurviving #mymhjourney #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthsupport #mentalhealthisimportant #selflove #iamworthy #bopo #learningtoloveme #learningtolove #learningtolovemybody #wegotthis #christmas #christmaswithmentalillness #bpdawareness #cptsd #cptsdawareness

Today has been a day. I have had better days, I have had worse days. I had therapy yesterday and it was a hard session and it has bought up a lot of emotions and feelings and flashbacks. Today is a day. A day that has gone slower than slow, a day that has kicked my ass. I’m struggling. I’m not okay right now. Every fibre of my being aches. Tomorrow is also a day, a day I may or not feel the same as I have today, but as long as I get to see tomorrow that’s okay. As long as I keep fighting, as long as I keep surviving I know deep down in my gut that I can make it. I can make it to a time in my life where this trauma no longer grips me. Wether that be next year or five years from now, I promise myself I will get there. You got this Danika. 💜 #trauma #complextrauma #cptsd #ptsd #cptsdrecovery #cptsdsurvivor #cptsdwarrior #ptsd #posttraumaticstressdisorder #bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #personalitydisorder #bpdproblems #borderlineandsurviving #mymhjourney #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthrecovery #mentalhealthstigma #endthestigma #endthestigmaofmentalhealth #weareworthy #wearevaluable #mentalillness #fatigue #depression #anxiety

Complex ptsd is hard to live with, i find myself feeling things that do not relate to the current situation I am in. I have flashbacks but not in the common sense, they’re not always visual. I could be sat watching tv or washing the pots and bang all of a sudden I will feel a multitude of emotions I’m familiar with, my body remember them. I lock up, I’m so tense I can barely move. My heart and stomach are in knots and I can’t even tell you how much heartbreak I feel. I feel myself crumbling as I have done so many times before, I feel like a child with no protection, my entire being aches and I can’t even fathom why. I’m washing the pots, maybe watching tv and this is how I feel. When this happens I can’t make sense of much at all, I feel trapped by the emotions I am feeling, like I will never be able to feel anything else ever again. Complex trauma makes me vulnerable, it makes me feel small and weak. It’s exhausting to battle every day through emotions that make no sense to the life you’re living right now. I’m privileged to be in therapy, thankfully I’m learning why these things happen to me. I’m getting to learn about why I am a certain way, why i am so particular about where I sit in a room. I’ve had to create safe spaces for myself in my life to be able to survive. And that is okay, it’s all learnt behaviours that I have developed from early on to keep myself safe and that’s what has kept me going, so I am more than okay with that! Keep going, keep surviving and you will thrive! We are all amazing incredible human beings. #cptsd #complexptsd #ptsd #complextrauma #complextraumaawareness #cptsdwarrior #cptsdsurvivor #ptsdawareness #ptsdrecovery #trauma #traumatherapy #therapyforptsd #complexptsd #bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlineandsurviving #mymhjourney #keepgoing #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthsupport

I don’t normally review apps, but this is amazing. I’m terrible at taking my medication. And I’m terrible at making sure to get my repeat prescriptions in on time before I run out of tablets. This app doesn’t let me forget to take my tablets, it sets up reminders and sends me a notification when its time to take them! As well as that I can put reminders in for doctors appointments and I can track my measurements such as mood and blood pressure etc So if you are like me and you’re forgetful with your medication I advise you to download @medisafeapp 💜 #medisafe #medisafeapp #medication #dontforgetyourmeds #mentalhealth #selfcare #mentalwellness #bpd #borderlineandsurviving #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #complexptsd #depression #anxiety #fatifue #pain #backpain #keeptrackofmeds #helpful #makinglifeeasy

I got out of bed I got dressed I ate something I took my meds I brushed my teeth I scraped my hair back Im going to attempt to do some hoovering. Those are all things that are draining me physically and mentally, I’m not sure how to exist right now. I feel such a strong urge to hide and isolate myself from everyone. I’m having such horrible thoughts and feelings, i feel like no one truly cares, I feel incredibly alone. My bpd is so real right now and I don’t know how to navigate myself through it. I want to shut off from everything and everyone. Thankfully I have therapy this evening! Without therapy I don’t know how I would manage and I am lucky to be in therapy long term. Living with bpd and complex ptsd is exhausting, it is painful, it is a challenge that I face every day but it is a challenge I want to win. I may be struggling right now but I’m not giving up on myself, I’ve bought myself too far to let go off all the progress I have made! Being on this journey has taught me I am worthy of living, I am valuable and I deserve this life even when I don’t feel like I do. So yes today is a bad day, I’m feeling pretty worthless right now and I can feel that intense pang in my stomach where I cannot make sense of what I am feeling but I promise myself and you that I will keep on surviving because let’s face it, we are warriors aren’t we? We are the strongest of people! Im incredibly blessed to be part of this community. #borderlineandsurviving #mymhjourney #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderline #borderlinepersonality #borderlinerecovery #bpd #complexptsd #cptsd #cptsdsurvivor #cptsdrecovery #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthwarrior #psychotherapy #therapy #mentalillness #mentalillnessawareness #mentalillnessisreal #surviving #exhaustion #fatigue #pain #backpain #invisibleillness #invisibleillnessawareness #invisibleillnesswarrior #invisibleillnesses #spoonie #spoontheoryinspired #constanttiredness #drained #foreverfatigued #sick #sickofbeingsick #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #medicated #integrativepsychotherapy

My lovely lady @borealishoops made me this patch 💕 Today I’m feeling extremely zapped of any energy I had at all, I went out last night to the theatre and it was incredible and I had such a wonderful time but I am paying for it today. I can barely keep my eyes open My mood is low and I can feel it sinking more and more I’m getting the urge to isolate myself I’m fed up and exasperated with just surviving, I want to feel alive. I know that today I need to rest, i need to catch my breathe and take my time with things today but I can’t help being hard on myself. I feel like I should be able to just carry on. If someone came to me telling me they feel how I feel today I would have absolutely no problem telling them to rest and take it easy and that it’s okay they feel that way and it will pass etc but when it comes to myself, I struggle to have the same kind nature. I think I’m general we forget we are people too, we forget we need the same kindness we give so freely to others. We really do need to treat ourselves how we treat others. Today my challenge is to be less hard on myself and allow myself space to breathe and rest. 💜 #mentalhealth #wellbeing #emotionalwellbeing #lifecoach #mentalwellbeing #mindfullness #rest #recovery #bekindtoyourmind #takeyourtime #recoveryisnotlinear #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #borderlineandsurviving #complexptsd #ptsd #moodswing #blackandwhitethinking #splitting #dissociation #fatigue #exhaustion #mymhjourney