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shxxtingstarss · 11 months

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therapy no. 53

Today's therapy was really liberating in the end.

I had to bring up the topic of the special application for getting the chance to study psychology at a uni nearby. I hate the thought of it, the thought of comparing my problems and my illness to the illness of other people that might apply via this special application process. I also need a letter of my therapist for this application, so that an expert also states why I need to start my studies right now and can't wait another year or more.

We opened up that topic and why I didn't want to apply with this kind of application and by that we also approached other topics like why I always downplay my problems and experiences and why I always hide how bad I actually feel, even though I sometimes don't want to hide it. Later we found out that that kind of problem-pathology-focused application via my illnesses is also hard for me because I don't want to be reduced to my problems, and it is also only a part of the truth, because my problems aren't just problems, they were and are solutions to situations that I wasn't able to solve otherwise, that were overstraining my possibilities or are still overstraining my abilities today. My problems are there for a reason, they are solutions to much bigger problems, solutions that I really needed in the past in order to survive and still need in order to live with my past now. And by applying with a focus on problems, all of that stays hidden, all of my strength and my effort. But maybe we can include that in the letter that is needed for the application. Hm. Might be a possibility. An important point my therapist brought up, that I also had in mind, was that it would be much better for my emotional stability if I started studying psychology, something that I am good at and that I really want to do and where my interests are, right now/in the upcoming winter semester. I already had that one in mind, but then I thought, again, I'm probably exaggerating and that it would be super awkward to bring that up in front of my therapist. Well, he brought it up himself. Kinda funny.

Of course I hide how I really feel because I'm scared - scared that someone might use my vulnerability that I show by being emotional and hurt me. We shortly talked about why I feel that way, first I said it doesn't make sense and it's stupid, because by hiding my struggles I'm always alone with them and can't get any help with them, even if I desperately need it. I mean I even struggle to show my emotions when I'm sitting in therapy in my safe space with my therapist that I deeply trust.

Today though I managed to let my guard down and let some, eventually even a lot or almost all emotions out. It's funny how I used to think my guard is so strong because I want to be perceived as confident etc, but I am pretty sure that's not it, it's more like a deeply rooted anxiety of being hurt when I am the most vulnerable. Because, as my therapist also correctly stated, that's what my mother always did, hurt me when I was the most vulnerable. His wording was accurate in a funny way, he said "because that's when your mother hit you, when you were the most vulnerable" with "hitting" being metaphorical and meaning manipulating and hurting me with words, but she also used to hit me in a literal way when I was emotional, I think I only remember a fraction of it all, but the two situations I do remember were really bad (psychologically) and I'm pretty sure they weren't the only ones. I really should talk about that one very striking situation where I am now almost sure that my mother did stuff like that on purpose to keep me small and obedient, I read about similar stuff in my one trauma-research book "trauma and recovery - the aftermath of violence" and it hit me hard when I read about it in such a explanatory and neutral way whilst getting images in my head about past experiences with violence of the kind that was explained in the book.

The downplaying-problems part was another thing to open though, and it wasn't easy for me to reach my inner processes at that point. I first talked a lot (maybe a bit too much at that point to shadow the fact that I don't really know what the real reason is) but didn't say a lot, I only mentioned that it was easier to downplay my problems so I can distance myself from the heaviness of carrying them around. But another point is that I'm also distancing and kind of neglecting my heavy past/story of my life that way. And I'm also downplaying how much I'm actually carrying around with me and how much I'm fighting to get better and to cope with my past. At that point I kind of realised it myself, it kind of hurt me and made me sad that I also downplay all the effort I put into my daily living and the work I'm putting into myself and my healing. I shouldn't do that to myself. And I kind of said that out loud, too, I was crying a bit and spoke out my thoughts to my therapist, and said that it's kind of stupid of me and not okay, because I really put in a lot of work into my wellbeing and my stabilization process, and that I'm too often being too hard on myself. He then said something that agreed with that thoughts of mine and said that I'm definitely trying really hard and really want to change something about my problems, and I started crying harder. I then thought about how I still manage to make some smaller and some greater achievements, how people perceive me as strong, successful etc even though they don't know anything about my story or not a lot, they definitely can't imagine the weight I'm carrying, and despite all of that I still achieve stuff that many people without these problems don't achieve or can't achieve. I put a bit of this into words and then my voice broke in the middle of a sentence and I just started crying and couldn't stop it, but I was glad I didn't. I cried really hard, I didn't cry this hard in the last few weeks and I needed it. Especially needed it in front of my therapist who kind of quietly carried me along. Just when I thought I calmed down, I started again and it was a really hard and sobbing kind of crying, I felt all the pain of the weight of the story I am carrying all at once. My therapist reminded me that the session was almost over, but he gave me plenty of time to calm down. He just sat there quietly and was there for me without doing anything. I the end he said, very calmly, that he thinks that it's beautiful how I acknowledged all of that. I just nodded my head in agreement and started to breathe very mindfully to be able to walk out of his office. At that point I remembered that I hadn't told him about the date of admission to the clinic that I got two weeks ago, and I told him about it. I also wanted to ask him if we could keep in contact again so he would know when I get out, but he brought that up on his own and said we could just do it like during my first stay there and that I could update him about the uni stuff.. and then he would give me a new date for our sessions. I was really happy about how that went, and I said sth like "yes, that worked more than well last time" and thanked him, and after that we finished the session and I deeply thanked him for today's session (it was pretty much perfect, today nothing annoyed me, not even afterwards, I was super happy with the topics we approached and the way I was able to show and share some of my emotions with him, talk to him freely and explain a lot of my thoughts and my inner processes, I even mentioned the feedback I got from Jeannine that she also didn't notice any of my emotional intensities during our holiday trip...) and he answered with "you're very welcome". I'm really happy about the connection and the therapeutic relationship we established, and the trust I built.

#bpd #therapy #psychotherapy #traumatherapy #ptsd #childhood trauma

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wjamesposts · 1 month

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iamamanwhowasraped · 2 months

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I don’t know why I chose today all days to write down what happened to me when I was raped and assaulted. It’s been over 30 years of silence, shame and blaming myself. I still haven’t the courage to do this anonymously. “. He too”, just feels too public, too raw and a risk, as I am still very vulnerable, still very raw, still a long way to go to heal.

Baby steps.

I was 18 years old when my entire world changed. That was also the day my entire personality changed for ever. The day they took a piece of my soul, a piece I don’t think I can ever get back or replace. Im 50 now, and I have no idea why it has taken till now to express it. After internalising it every day. You see other people telling their stories of rape and sexual assault. They do it, not anonymously like me. Everyone salutes their bravery. So do I. But I just cannot go that far. Shouting my rape and assault to the rooftops makes me feel terrified and shameful. So many men and women in particular, have been raped, sexually assaulted and abused. It’s a huge thing for me. And my rape belongs to me. No-one can devalue or minimise it. To be just another person on a pile of rape stories… forgettable…the thought of that feels like it could crush me.

The truth is, people have grown tired of #metoo #hetoo personal testimonies. That movement, as refreshing as it was at the time, had the adverse effect. It became a fad in time, an ice bucket challenge. People are tired of rape stories really.. Another rape. Another sexual assault. Childhood sexual abuse. These are also traumatising to hear for other victims particularly.

Each one of those stories is a personal tragedy. It shatters most lives. Irreparable damage and fallout. The lifelong fallout of mental illness, relationship difficulties, ongoing physical, psychological and sexual abuse, addiction, career and financial difficulties, crime and prison time…the social costs are endless.

I want to tell you what happened to me.

I was 18 hears old in the early 90s. I was terrified of HIV and AIDS which meant at that time, la high chance of death, as treatments were in their infancy. Homophobia was rife when I left to start university at a small English city, in the Midlands. It was, multicultural, working class, crime-ridden but tens of thousands of students brought the city to life. It was my emancipation from a narcissistic hostile homophobic father and family. .I could be gay, mostly, out in safe circles although there were incidents. A drunk fellow student on Saturday night trying to break into my digs to beat me up…luckily the rugby lads would stand up for me and gave him a hiding. He was never expelled, jsomething that would happen immediately now.

After about 6 months I went to the local gay club. It was the time of #madchester, #rave, Hacienda and dance music. I went a few times when a tall, overweight, not particularly good looking guy made a beeline to talk to me. I had dropped an e so i was “loved up”. I’m fastidiously polite and friendly so i talked to him, continuing to dance, to show, “sure I’m friendly, I’ll talk to anyone, but I just want to dance”. I didn’t want to convey any other messages as I was not interested in him romantically. He asked if I was single. Dreaded question. I avoided the answer to the question … “ i love this tune”, probably commenting on how great the music and DJ were. I remember it was Ecstasy by Shades of `Rhythm or something similar. I felt sorry for him. He was clumsy, unattractive, dressed with badly fitting, unfashionable clothes. That didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that he needed connection. He seemed desperate for it. And so i thought no harm in connecting a little.

The night ended and I said goodbye. “Come back to mine”, he said. “No”, I said. “I want to go home and anyway Mike (lets call him that), I’m sort of seeing someone else so we can only be friends”. He had a disappointed look on his face for a brief moment but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. The way he was looking at me still gave an impression that his pursuit of me was undeterred. “Tell you what, will you be in here next week?” “Yes if you’re going to be here”. I should have recoiled a little at what I look back on as language reminiscent of a stalker knowing what I know now. But at that point I thought id never meet him again.

I saw him a few times as sure enough he was there at that club every Saturday night. When I didn’t tgo, the following few week he would almost panic, “where were you? I was here but you never came out”.

Then the Saturday night came. I was dabbling with drugs, ecstasy mainly, with speed on occasion. It was that time in the culture. A culture I dove into feet first. That night, i had a triple x, a particularly strong pill. I bumped into Mike and was so high I didn’t care. He got me a drink which I know, looking back, he spiked with acid. I just know I was out of control and hour after i had the drink he bought me. He was with a straight friend who was also 6 foot plus, muscular, rough and really too edgy for my liking. He was serious, He felt cold, detached. Speed, E and now a trip. The walls of the club were like waterfalls and the dance floor was filling up with the flowing walks so it seemed. I was in a nightmare. I felt frightened, out of control, disassociated and I was terrified.

All of a sudden i was with them, in a taxi, incoherent. Then I was at a house. Time was strange, I couldn’t tell a minute from ten minutes. When I asked where we were, Mike said Adie’s. (Not his real name.)

I was incoherent still. “Can i lie down?”, I asked sheepishly. Adie showed me upstairs to his bedroom. “Lie down there mate. I’ll pop up in a bit.”

I’m high, alert, off it, delirious, tripping, hallucinating and I feel bad. I wanted it to stop. Face into the pillow, I barely noticed anyone coming into the room but for the light. I was unaware i was being undressed straight away. I didn’t notice him taking off my shoes, jeans and underwear. I was confused when I was lifted up and my t shirt was being pulled off. Then panic set in. “No, what are you doing? Get off me, wheres Mike?” That’s when Ade forced me back onto the bed, lay on top of me and forced his tongue in my mouth. . A drug fucked kiss, didn’t scare me but he whispered “you little prick tease, we’re going to fuck your arse”. He turned me over hard, so I was face down, a fore arm choking my neck and then he was inside me. No warning, no condom< nothing. I couldn’t do anything but hoarsely whisper “no, stop” because his forearm was seriously choking my windpipe. I couldn’t get him off as he was too heavy. I was pinned . The pain in my arse floored me and worsened as he pushed himself all the way in. I must have screamed as best as I could, but with restricted air, it was almost unheard. I was a virgin and so I hadn’t douched, engaged in foreplay, had any lubrication and so I tightened up even more, . The pain was excruciating. I screamed, “no”, grabbing a breath, biting his forearm as hard as i could. He screamed. He retaliated by punching me in the side of the head, again and again. “Ill fucking kill you, you fucking prick tease, were gonna fuck you, fucking cunt … stop fighting it you little prick, ill beat your fucking lights out, take my dick…”, he whispered these words into my ear when I started to realise I could t stop him or fight him off.

Then Mike was inside me. No warning. I knew because Adie said “fuck him, thats it, fuck his arse.” I was still tight and the pain was worse. Burning, hot, pain like i was being punched inside over and over. Then Adie forced his unwashed dick my mouth, choking me. My gag reflex had me vomiting except my stomach was empt. Dry heaving, struggling to breathe.

I used all my strength to get away, fell on the floor and scrambled to the door but they were on top of me, and suddenly I heard the thumps of hard punches to my back, around my kidneys. So winded, beaten, immobilised and terrified, they lifted me onto the bed without any fight. I realised that flight was impossible. I was left with that awful choice so many rape victims face. Fight and face potential violence or worse consequences. So I made the choice. I Accepted the rape. I Let it happen. And I feel shame and feel to blame. That makes no sense but thats how it feels.

And so I let it happen. The body and mind protect you. I know they came inside me twice each perhaps. But time was suspended. Body shuts down. Depersonalisation.

All told, I know it lasted between 3 to 4 hours. I don’t know how long it was after they stopped raping me to when i got dressed. I must have taken a while to realise they stopped and i was alone. A clock said 6am. I crept down the stairs and they were both asleep in the lounge. I ran as fast as i could, out the front door which i didn’t even close behind me, fearing noise might wake them.

The rape was far more than I have written here. They were verbal too. “Prick tease”, “faggot”, “cocksucker”, “cunt” saying things like how I deserved everything they gave me a lot i have forgotten over the years.

I walked home ever so slowly. There was none around. No-one to beg for help. No-one to just look at and feel human again for a second. Hours seemed to go by for that 4 mile walk. I looked in my mirror hours later in the entrance hall. Split lip, blackened reddened cheek. I lifted up my t shirt, and failed to cry when i saw the black bruising on my lower back and his teeth marks near the base of my neck…. When I saw the mess of blood, shit, their semen and sweat behind me…

I felt sore. Dirty. Beyond shock. Unable to cry.

There is a smell to rape that is indescribable. Its a smell that you never forget but fear to remember. A smell that makes you want to wash your entire body, to purge your entire being of it.

Then comes the inevitable self blame. I took drugs. Did I give mixed signals? Did my politeness, suggest yes i wanted sex?. I said “no, stop”, maybe it wasn’t loud enough, maybe it wasn’t believable enough. The self blame of the last 30 years.

The truth is, it was not my fault.

I was vulnerable.

I said no.

And my virginity, was something that I wanted to hose to give to a man, someone i loved, someone of my choosing when I wanted.

To be continued: the aftermath.

Theft, And Wandering Around Lost by Cocteau Twins

The man is an offender

He took my value

And I give back his shame

And I take back my power

My body is my own

My body is mine alone

And I deserve protection

And I can create it for you

Is this what my body said?

"Use me

Drain me

Fall around me"

Is this what my body said?

"Engulf me

I'm already dead"

I have a feel of things

Cry and shakes the wall for you

And I am moving to poison love

And drown the stars above you

My body is my own

My body is mine alone

And I deserve protection

And I can create it for you

Is this what my body said?

"Use me

Drain me

Fall around me"

Is this what my body said?

"Engulf me

I'm already dead"

Keep cutting myself on the edges of reality

Is this what my body said?

Keep cutting myself on the edges of

"Use me Reality

Drain me

Fall around me"

Is this what my body said?

Keep cutting myself on the edges of

"Engulf me Reality

I'm already dead"

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cinderpresss · 2 months

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Somatic Healing: Unlocking the Power Within

Unleash on a transformative journey of self-discovery and holistic well-being with "Somatic Healing: Unlocking the Power Within." This insightful guide introduces you to the profound world of somatic healing—a practice that explores the intricate connection between mind, body, and spirit.

Key Features:

Delve into the roots of somatic healing, tracing its origins from ancient Eastern practices like yoga and Tai Chi to Western traditions of psychoanalysis. Uncover the threads that weave the body-mind connection into the fabric of human understanding.

Explore the scientific basis of somatic healing, unveiling the role of neuroplasticity, neurotransmitters, and the impact of stress on the body. Gain insights into the physiological mechanisms that underlie somatic practices and their transformative potential.

From breathwork and movement therapies to mindfulness meditation and expressive arts, discover a comprehensive mind-body toolkit. Practical exercises and guidance empower you to incorporate these techniques into your daily life, promoting relaxation, clarity of mind, and emotional resilience.

Navigate the intricate path of healing trauma through the body. Recognize and understand trauma, unravel the role of the nervous system, and explore somatic approaches that offer tools for transformative recovery.

Extend the journey of somatic healing into community spaces. Explore the social dimension, create somatic-centric communities, and witness the ripple effect of collective well-being.

Acknowledge the limitations, evolve with emerging trends, and engage in the ongoing quest for holistic well-being. This section challenges the status quo, fostering a spirit of curiosity and adaptation.

Be a catalyst for positive change, fostering resilience on a broader scale.

Somatic Healing: Unlocking the Power Within is a guide to transforming your relationship with your body, cultivating resilience, and contributing to a world where well-being is a collective endeavor. Are you ready to unlock the power within and embark on a journey of self-discovery? Dive into the world of somatic healing today. Get your copy today!

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thecpdiary · 5 months

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Coming to Terms with Traumatic Loss

A TikTok podcast was gifted to me. Any loss that is sudden and even if it's not, if it's protracted, or not considered the norm, can be traumatic. The podcast timing couldn't be more perfect a year into losing my twin.

The following transcript is exactly how I feel.

Billy Bob Thornton: "I've Never Been the Same Since My Brother Died."

There's a melancholy in me that never goes away. I'm 50 percent happy and 50 percent sad at any given moment."

"I don't want to forget what it felt like when he died, because he deserves [that remembrance]. That's how important he was to me," Thornton says. "So, if I have to suffer and I have to be sad for the rest of my life, and if I have to be lonely without him... then that's the way I honor him."

It's an anguish that he doesn't believe will ever go away. "I'll be sad and melancholy about that forever. I know it and I accept it and I live with it," he says. "But I think it's OK. I think it's OK to have all those feelings." - (Source: https://www.huffpost.com)

As painful as it has been to cope with his loss, Billy-Bob Thornton chose to embrace his grief. He wouldn't be pushed into moving on until it felt right, until he was done grieving. Billy Bob expresses my feelings exactly. I am melancholy and life will never be the same. The grief may subside, but the melancholy will stick. Sheila was my twin. She was the other half of me.

Disbelief

A year on and coming across Billy-Bob Thornton's dialogue rings many truths for me. I am not the same person. I can’t believe Sheila's gone. I'm fearful of the life yet to come. I have never known a life without her and it couldn't have come at a worse time in the pandemic. It's not finished.

There are days when I fail to move one step in front of the other, fail to focus and fail to motivate. I have low moments for sure.

Yes, like Billy-Bob Thornton, for me Sheila's death has changed everything. I have a hard time accepting she's not with me anymore. Traumatic loss and grief is difficult to get past, no matter how many times you're told to get on with life. You can't just switch off as it takes time to come to terms with the trauma, and to find a place for your feelings.

Feeling Lonely

I am lonely. The twin link (and for anyone who is, will know how that feels) is permanent, although the environment we grew up in, did nothing to help us nurture our twinness, but that's not our guilt to carry.

'The Twins'

Growing up, we both struggled being referred continually to 'the twins.' We were never just Sheila and Ilana, living independent lives, we were 'the twins.' It annoyed us both equally, also annoyed us that some family members and family friends couldn’t be bothered to address us individually.

I hate that we both missed out and now that time is gone. As a writer, I am happy to talk about her, to keep her memory alive. As I continue my earthly journey, Sheila comes too.

Dedicated to all those dealing with loss and grief.

If you're interested and you fancy grabbing copies of my books, they are available to purchase on my website here https://www.thecpdiary.com/my-books/

For more inspirational, lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

#thecpdiary #blog #TraumaticLoss #Grief #BillyBobThornton #Loss #Trauma #traumahealing #traumahealingjourney #traumatherapy

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lauraschwalm1 · 10 months

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Meditation and breath work group classes, and coaching. Email [email protected] or call 917-359-0588 for a free consultation 🧘🏻‍♀️ ⭐️❤️ 🧘

#lauraschwalm✨#spiritual #meditationteacher #breath work #healing #spiritual healing #traumatherapy

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curemyhealth · 10 months

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What is Trauma Therapy Counseling?

Trauma therapy is one type of therapy that helps you deal with your emotional response caused by a traumatic event.

#Counseling #Traumatherapy #psychotherapy #fitness #health #naturally #blogging #pcos #beauty #curemyhealth #diet

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tidaltraumacentre · 11 months

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Seeking Trauma-Informed Therapy: Find Healing and Empowerment Today | Tidal Trauma Centre

Do you want to experience empowerment and healing? Tidal trauma qualified and sympathetic therapists are experts in trauma informed therapy, offering a secure and encouraging setting for your rehabilitation. Our team is here to help you on your path to wellbeing, whether you're coping with past traumatic experiences, anxiety, depression, or any other connected difficulties. We customise our therapy sessions to meet your specific requirements using a holistic approach and evidence-based methodologies, promoting resilience and long-lasting healing. If you want more detail about the therapy, then you can visit the website now.

#therapy #traumatherapy

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waltztherapy · 1 year

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This post explains how play therapy can help children heal from trauma by providing a safe and supportive environment to process emotions and experiences. The post includes information about the benefits of childhood trauma therapy and how it works, as well as tips for finding a play therapist.

#EMDR #traumatherapy #childhoodtrauma #healing #benefitsoftherapy #mentalhealth #WaltzTherapy

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hspcoaching · 10 months

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#hsp #rebirthing #lifecoaching #thehague #highsensitivity #love #healing #breaththerapy #intuition #hooggevoeligheid #trauma #traumatherapy #trauma healing

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drcammyfroude · 1 year

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Trauma Therapy in San Francisco with Dr. Cammy, a Family Trauma Therapist

Trauma can have a profound impact on our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. It can affect our relationships, our self-esteem, and our ability to cope with everyday life. Dr. Cammy recognizes the unique challenges that trauma survivors face and is committed to helping her clients heal from the past and move towards a brighter future Dr Cammy is the best Trauma Therapy San Francisco.

Comprehensive Trauma Therapy in San Francisco

Dr. Cammy takes a holistic and integrative approach to trauma therapy, tailoring her sessions to meet the unique needs of each client. She creates a safe and non-judgmental environment where clients can freely explore their thoughts, emotions, and memories related to their traumatic experiences. Drawing from a variety of evidence-based approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, EMDR, and somatic therapy, Dr. Cammy helps clients process and integrate their trauma in a gentle and supportive manner.

Family Trauma Therapy Expertise

As a family trauma therapist, Dr. Cammy understands that trauma can impact the entire family system. She works collaboratively with families to address the challenges that may arise in relationships due to trauma. With a compassionate and empathetic approach, Dr. Cammy helps families improve communication, rebuild trust, and strengthen their connections. She provides support for families to navigate the complexities of trauma and heal together as a unit.

Safe and Supportive Environment

Dr. Cammy creates a warm and welcoming space where clients feel heard, validated, and supported. She is skilled at establishing a strong therapeutic alliance and building trust with her clients, which is essential in the process of trauma healing. Her compassionate and empathetic approach helps clients feel safe to explore their emotions and memories related to their trauma at their own pace, without judgment or pressure.

A Path Towards Healing and Wholeness

With Dr. Cammy's trauma therapy in San Francisco, you can find a path towards healing and wholeness. She is committed to helping her clients develop coping skills, gain insight into their reactions and behaviors, and build resilience to manage the effects of trauma in their lives. Dr. Cammy believes that everyone has the capacity to heal from trauma and is dedicated to supporting her clients in their journey towards recovery.

Take the First Step towards Healing

If you are ready to heal from the effects of trauma and are seeking a compassionate and skilled trauma therapist in San Francisco, contact Dr. Cammy today. She offers a safe and supportive environment where you can begin your journey towards healing and wholeness. Don't let the past continue to hold you back - take the first step towards healing with Dr. Cammy's Trauma Therapist.

#dr cammy #traumatherapy #traumatherapist #sanfrancisco

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shxxtingstarss · 1 year

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therapy no. 49

I really liked today's therapy session, but now, a few hours later, I am really tired and exhausted. Ok, I also had an appointment with my new (psychiatric) nurses that come to my home, which was 1.5 hours as well, so of course I am exhausted and tired af.

But therapy was really good, it was the third session after me being back from the hospital stay and I am so glad to have my therapist here. I am so lucky to have found this therapist almost two years ago, I don't know where I would be without him now. I mean I probably would've found some other therapist and maybe they would've been good or at least ok too, but not as good as this one.

We talked about a lot of stuff today, first we started with talking about my panic attack that I had when arriving at his office (but already had it on my way there) and about my high anxiety today and why it was this bad (had a rough night and woke up about ten times, was really scared of the appointment with the psychiatric nurses because I didn't know either of those two and they were coming to my home which isn't easy for me either (having to talk to complete strangers about my problems in day-to-day-life with ptsd, bpd etc in my own kitchen is kind of hard for me, letting them in is scary enough, I kind of have a hard time trusting people and it's extra difficult in vulnerable places like my own home)). After talking for a while he asked me how my tension was now (because when I sat down in my chair I took a hot chili candy to reduce my tension/stress) and it was a lot better already.

We then proceeded to talk about how I misinterpreted something he said in our session last week and used it to humiliate myself and to question my perception of my traumatic past (in a bad way). I told him what it was he said and what I interpreted into it. He then rephrased or rather specified what he said so it would be clearer how he meant it - and what did my stupid brain do? Instantly used it to humiliate myself again because "stupid me was fishing for validation and manipulated my therapist into telling me how bad my traumatic past was". At least it only took me a few seconds to understand what my brain was doing there, but it was still kinda overwhelming and I told my therapist what was going on. We both instantly started laughing and he said "so it really doesn't matter what I am saying, it will happen again and again" and I had to agree, even though I was kinda sad about it because I really appreciated that he carefully rephrased what he said.

To fill in the wording I was talking about with my therapist: last time when we talked about the stage of processing trauma he said something like "well yes, in other words we will look very closely at your (past) relationships again" - my brain took that as a "your trauma is just minor imbalances in your past relationships with your family etc and it's not as big as you make it" but what my therapist meant to do by using the term 'relationship' was finding a headline for everything that went on in my past without having to go into detail because we were at the end of a session - especially the relationship to my mother and my father that was characterized by a lot of extreme violence and abuse. So today my therapist emphasised that he thinks quite the opposite from what my brain wants me to believe: that from what he's heard so far, he is pretty sure that it was pretty extreme and really destructive violence, especially with my mother, but from what he can tell "my father wasn't very helpful either". I think he said a bit more than that, but I didn't listen for very long because in that moment my brain was pretty much screaming at me. As I wrote a few lines before, I told my therapist about what was going on inside of my head when he rephrased it and validated my past experiences, so we then talked about why my brain did that to me. Of course that led to talking about my mother a bit, but we already dove deep into detail on that topic multiple times before, so we kept it rather short and it was more of a summary that we did together of how and why I am reacting and thinking that way - because my mother made me think that way and also because my young brain as a kid did that in order to keep the relationship to my mother alive - that is quite typical for victims of parental abuse, because you as a child are in need of the parental "care" you and your brain try everything to keep up that relationship, so you rather think everything is your fault and you are wrong and you just have to "try a bit harder" and your mother/father are always right, they "must be right" because they are your mother/father. Your brain isn't capable of thinking any other way, it does so you can somehow survive. So all of this in my head is what is left of that mechanisms that kept me alive in the past - but nowadays they just make my life a lot harder, so that is why I am working on getting more distance to these inner beliefs and on getting them a bit more quiet.

Somehow we managed to also talk about me feeling like I can't be 100% vulnerable in therapy at the moment (for multiple reasons, one being afraid of my therapist feeling overwhelmed by me/my emotions, afraid of being "too much" but also afraid of making myself this vulnerable sometimes), and also my interest in clinical psychology and psychotherapy but simultaneously me being scared of not being able to separate my own problems etc from the problems of my maybe-future-patients, fear of getting too close to their problems etc. But as I already talked about it with my therapist in the clinic, my therapist also said that it can be a great resource if you have looked closely at your own topics and worked with them a lot already, so you have your experience with these kind of problems and can maybe use it to help others. And because it's not really important where I want to work in the future, I have to resolve my problems either way, I prefer to look at it in that positive way now. I am really looking forward to studying psychology!!! I really hope it will work to get a place at a university close by by passing the test in may.

#trauma healing #therapy #traumatherapy #psychotherapy #psychology #ptsd #bpd #mdd #psychiatric clinic #childhood trauma #extreme violence

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thislifetherapy · 1 year

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Trauma therapy in Los Angeles: Overcome trauma, regain control.

If you are seeking trauma therapy in Los Angeles, you have come to the right place. We understand that life can be challenging and sometimes it can feel like you are stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and emotions. That's why our mission is to provide you with the tools and support you need to overcome trauma and live the life you deserve.

Trauma can manifest in many different ways, and it can affect every aspect of your life. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. That's why it's important to seek help from a qualified trauma therapist who can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies.

#traumatherapy #losangeles #thislifetherapy

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cinderpresss · 2 months

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Somatic Healing: Unlocking the Power Within

Key Features:

Extend the journey of somatic healing into community spaces. Explore the social dimension, create somatic-centric communities, and witness the ripple effect of collective well-being.

Be a catalyst for positive change, fostering resilience on a broader scale.

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