#been fucking with this bad boy for like a month i think im finally happy enough with it to be done chrbfhrhbfbf throws this at yall
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his ass is NOT looking at the tornado
#trigun#my art#storm chaser#been fucking with this bad boy for like a month i think im finally happy enough with it to be done chrbfhrhbfbf throws this at yall#woe vashwood be upon ye#vashwood#trigun stampede#also why did tumblr kill the quality so bad#pls enlarge this im begging u#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood
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## "𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐏𝐀𝐃 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘"
𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 ! 𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘺 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘦 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳
𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘴 ! 𝘍𝘖𝘙 𝘔𝘓 𝘏𝘈𝘉𝘐𝘉𝘛𝘐 𝘕𝘈𝘋𝘖𝘖𝘕 @sttarzxx 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬, the paraghraph text and response to it was copy and pasted from me and the dude this happened to me withs chat.........
𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 ! 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘴𝘵 2 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧, 𝘋𝘠𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘐𝘕𝘚𝘐𝘋𝘌 (𝘫𝘬)
"im gonna do it. im gonna text him."
you were on vc with your best friend. for context, you had a crush. a MASSIVE crush on a boy named robby. you had liked him for 2 years now, the only bad thing? you guys were barely friends. you guys had a class together, and he would always talk to you (hed call u weird when u declared you were spiderman.).. all until you left school for second semester. you hadnt seen robby in about 6 months, but you still liked him (attachment issues go hard). u guys used to text, too. itd mostly be u texting with double chats and him replying in a dry way... but u still liked him AHAHA, so 2 days ago.. you asked your friend for his number...
"hey"
you texted, and he replied right away
"hi"
after that, you guys had texted for 5 minutes, asking things like "hru" or "wyd" until he finally said
"who even are u?"
your eyes widened seeing this, and you were a pussy, so you said
"im f/n (fake name)"
you guys, for another day kept texting back and fourth.. the only thing is, you acted like u didnt have a clue who he was, what he liked, and what he did.
"i do karate, i think its cool to have balance in your life and karate gave me that."
..... you already knew that, but you couldnt help but act like u didnt.
it was like u two havent met eachother. but little did u know, he was observant as fuck.
"you know u remind me of someone, u text the same as her. her name is y/n"
he said, and ur eyes widened. u couldnt believe that he had memorized your texting style. but you were a pussy, so u denied it.
a couple days go by and u guys still text, you overthink everything he says and you were starting to think your friends were getting tired of you ranting ab it to them all the time. there was this one time where u two had been talking, and the convo? it wasnt good. at all.
"k"
he said, and you furrowed ur eyebrows...
"WYM K?? THATS LIKE THE DRIEST MESSAGE EVER"
....
"yeah ik"
...... what? you couldnt believe it. was he bored of u already? were u being too annoying? were u just a bother?
your heart sunk, and u felt ur knees go weak. not weak in a "i just folded" typa way, but in a "im gonna kms" typa way.
your thoughts kept flooding with things like "i just annoyed him" or "he doesnt want to talk to me anymore." and you wanted to cry.
you start to rant ab it to your friends, balling ur eyes out as u do, you were in ur head about it, letting it get to you. your hands trembled as u typed about it to your friends. you had always been insecure about your personality, not wanting ppl to see u as too much or crazy. so u finally replied to him.
"ok"
its been 15 since youve been on delivered (or read, he didnt have read recipts on)
u desperately wanted to talk to him so u sent anotyher message
"hihii"
when he replied, you got so happy u forgot about the fact that you were crying about him the night before. but the thing is, he would leave u on read the whole day, and it stressed u out.
everyone had been telling u to just tell him who u were, and to stop being a pussy. hell, even snap ai wasnt on your side. so u write a paragraph, wanting to send it to him
"hi robby, so ive been feeling kinda bad recently for this and i hope u forgive me and that this doesnt ruin our 'friendship' kinda thing going on, basically i lied ab like a couple things and i feel bad IFDJNEJN so uh im y/n (u guessed right kinda craz) and IK I LIED AB NOT KNOWING B/F/N BUT I FELT LIKE ITD BECOME AWKS and stuff, f/n is my online name since ion give my real name out (and its a nickname my freinds call me), im sorry for acting like i didnt know who u were i was just being a pussy difjejfn but the truth is i asked b/f/n to send me a bunch of (school name) numbers and u was like the only person (other than 2 girls) who texted me back and I DIDNT KNWO IT WASS U AT FIRST but when u told me who u were i didnt know how to keep the 'friendship' going (r we friends??? idek atp) nd ik this is gonna make everything awkward and stuff but uh yeah im really really sorry for lying 2 u and i hope we can still b friends lol (ts up 2 u//im coming back next year too so idk if that helps EKJFNEIJNF)"
SENT !
... you were stressing atp, would he block u? would he be dry? would he ghost u? say "oh ok"? call u weird and tell everyone?
you didnt know how to feel, you wanted to cry. you were in ur head about this whole situation and u couldnt help but overthink. so u turn to your best friends, wanting-- no, needing reassurance. they continue to tell u its okay and that he wont break your heart. but you cant help it, that feeling. that feeling of your heart sinking, the feeling of the lump that forms in your throat, the feeling where you just want to feel better. but you cant. you were paranoid. you were tearing up. but you forced yourself not to cry, u didnt wnat to be a crybaby, but u couldnt help it. the tears had already formed and started to fall, your vision fogging up and your eyelashes wet. you couldnt believe u thought ur lifew could be like a wattpad love story. you were cracking your knuckles and picking at the skin around your cuticles, something u did when u were stressed. you then went to bed, hoping everything would be okay.
the next morning u wake up. the first thing u do is check every other social media and dm before his, you had a feeling he was gonna make u cry (again).
when u finally open the text, your whole expression lights up.
"I mean I suspected it and I am personally fine with the lie you told and yea I can forgive u but as you know I am a dry texter"
you were so happy. u couldnt believe it. you quickly change his contact name back from "oh" to "ROBBYYY! <33" and you smiled so big your jaw started to hurt
maybe there was a chance.
@/ilovesillycats
plz dont copy my work 😞
#runa ⭐️ writes#kisses for nadeen !#cobra kai#miguel diaz <3#cobra kai x reader#cobra kai x y/n#cobra kai x you#cobra kai fic#cobra kai fluff#cobra kai headcanons#the karate kid#karate kid#robby#robby keene#robby keene x reader#robby x reader#robby cobra kai#johnny lawrence#cobra kai robby
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idk My maladaptive daydream scenarios have been thinking about Toxic! Peter and whatnot.
Like him being like that bc of Gwendy’s death (but before he was like that too- with there on and off relationship 😒). So him and reader have an on and off thing going on and reader is tired of his shit and finally breaks up w/ him . And at first he’s like “pssh yeah whatever” but a few months to a year go by and he realizes how bad he fucked up. Maybe he gets Spider-man to woo her over or maybe jus regular old peter.
Sorry this was so long, like I said it was a maladaptive day dream scenario so its been on reply in my mind. I really love your writing by the way and hope you’re back for our Spider-boy like you said in your post 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
hi friend!! i am back for our spider-boy and i'm so sooo happy to be back thank you guys for welcoming me back 🩶🩶🩶. and honestly...toxic peter has been on my mind too recently especially after rewatching tasm 2 because what the fuck peter???
he dumps gwen after graduation and he's so pathetically lonely and yeah he follows gwen around but it doesn't really do anything for him. so he wonders off and finds some fucked up solace in his next door neighbor who had always had a thing for him. he just shows up on her doorstep playing the role of kicked puppy so well, she can't help but to let him back in and let it be how it was before Gwen came in senior year and she got all of his attention. Peter takes her on romantic dates, sweet long kisses, fun jokes one week but the next it's like she doesn't exist to him (definitely slips up calling her gwen on occasion.) especially after he and Gwen start talking again, but Peter still has her on the side.
One night he's ready to sneak in her window, that she usually leave unlocked for him, ready to make up being gone for so many weeks. But it's locked.
He knocks on the door, his eyebrows furrowed motioning to the lock pulling it, but not hard enough because he could easily break that lock if he really wanted. "baby open the window come on." he teases. "I said I was sorry, come on."
he's playing kicked puppy again, and she almost lets him in. "Come on she doesn't want me, you do."
"that's the reason you want me. you don't love me peter, you don't even know me anymore."
"you're being fucking ridiculous" he laughs waiting for a moment seeing her not even budging from her spot on the bed. "open the window (y/n)" he says his voice loosing its humor.
"go home peter, im over it." she said closing the curtains on him.
and he doesn't care. at least he convinces himself he doesn't care. it was her loss, he was a fucking catch. all he did this whole time was respect her and she was blowing this up. except till the one person he had outside of her dies right in front of him. he lost gwen completely this time, there is no comeback there is no way to redeem himself. and he actually starts to see the monster he's become. he hurt gwen multiple times and she was still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt every time. he even thinks of (y/n) time to time and how badly he treated her because he was wrapped up in himself and what was best for him. he watched her a lot in his six months of bedroom grieving, like how he would with gwen. he watched her sit out on her roof writing or doing work, he watched her leave for work and come home at night. they locked eyes one night when he was standing on his roof, about to change into the suit for the first time in months. he thought he even saw her smile at him like she used too.
it definitely take a toll on him because though this alone time was needed to help him process, but he missed being cradled by her. missed the way her hands tangled in his hair, missed when she'd laugh to make him smile. he did miss her, but she'd never accept that. it takes three weeks to the day, till he is on her window again, sweat clung to his forehead, his mask torn and exposing crucial parts of his face. he didn't even get to knock on the window before she's helping him in, sitting him on the floor pulling the mask off his face. he's crying from pain and regret, apologies spewing out of his mouth. she gets the mask off his face, asking him what he needs. He shakes his head holding her hand that's on applying pressure to his bleeding ribs. "need you."
"god even in times like this all you wan.."
"-to forgive me. 'm sorry so sorry. I do..do care about you. you're the only person I wanted..wanted to see-"
"you're gonna wind yourself peter, we can talk about this later. what do you need?"
"like fifteen tylenol, my body will heal it's self."
she, though argues him not needing to take that many tylenol, gets him what he asks for and helps him change while wrapping his ribs.
they end the night with heartfelt conversations, and peter swearing he'll spend the rest of his life making this up to her, and showing her what he really deserves.
yeah..this has been brewing. so sorry if you were not asking me to write, I started and couldn't stop lmao thank you for sharing your daydream with me friend and trust me no worries about the length I'm also longwinded 🫶🏼
#tasm andrew garfield#tasm peter#tasm peter parker x reader#tasm peter x reader#bambi writes#bambi rambles#bambi answers asks
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OH MY GOSH can I maybe possibly request Steve x Eddie’s sister/sibling!reader I’m so excited you wrote for him like- love u byeeee
YES. YES. YES YES YES FINALLY LORD YES IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS OH LORD YES ILY ILY ILY YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WIDE MY SMILE IS RN ILYSM IM SO HAPPY RN
*One of the gayest photos ive seen but we'll talk abt that another time*
*Nother lil side note: I went to get water and when I came back this gif was on my screen AND I SQUEALED AND GIGGLED. THATS WHAT KINDA HOLD THIS MAN HAS OVER ME. ok imma stfu and let you get to reading*
*LAST ONE I SWEAR: Listened to this while writing:) .... and this :)))*
~OKAY SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GIDDY I AM RN CAUSE STEVE HARRINGTON CAN SMASH MY FACE IN WITH HIS BAT anyways :)
~Yall actually met before the Vecna stuff
~You're in your senior year for the FIRST time unlike your idiot brother Eddie
~You're not in hellfire but you do spend A LOT of time with them
~Literally the mom of the group
~You have other friends that you'd gladly hang out with but you stay with them because the minute you leave one of them is gonna end up somehow missing a finger
~They need adult supervision at all times and youre the best they got even though Eddie is literally a year older than you
~You were the one who convinced Eddie to invite Mike, Dustin, and Lucas to Hellfire (He didn't wanna at first cause they were "shrimpy freshmen" his words not mine)
~Dustin excitedly ranting to Steve about the group when he first joined
~"He's so cool! He gets on the table n shit and doesnt give a shit about what people say"
~"Dude I don't wanna hear about Eddie 'The Freak' Munson"
~"He has a sister y'know... she's 18. She's pretty awesome too. And single"
~"Well that's great for her" (mf started zoning dustin out at this point poor dustybun)
~Dustin thinks you'd be so fucking perfect for Steve so whenever he sees him he always always always finds some way to work your name into the conversation
~He starts doing the same to you poor boy is set on this ship and will not give up till it sails
~Eddie gets so pissed whenever Dustin brings up Steve. His mood noticeably changes but Dustin, being Dustin, can't take the hint
~You cant be mean to Dustin cause you find him so sweet and adorable so you just endure it even though you have really no intention of talking to Steve 'The Hair' Harrington
~Literally 3-4 months had passed and Dustin was still talking you up to Steve and vice versa even though the two of you still hadn't met
~The Hellfire club was hanging out at the trailer park and when everyone was leaving you heard Dustin say he was gonna go to the video store so you decided to drive him cause you borrowed Robin's history notes cause you ditched class
~You took Eddies keys while he was using the restroom and made sure to leave before he could yell at you for stealing his car again
~You went inside with Dustin and he introduced you and Steve
~"Steve! This is Y/n"
~He gave you a small nod, unaware of what to do. You tried to match his awkward energy so you just gave him a small wave
`"I'm Steve"
~"I know. Little Dustin over here doesn't shut up about you"
~Dustin has the widest smile on his face seeing the two of you meet for the first time but it immediately drops when he hears you call him "little"
~"Hey what the hell"
~"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it 'Dustybun'" you said as you messed with his hair
~"I've told you already! Only Suzie calls me that!"
~You start laughing at Dustins face cause he looks so pissed and oml when Steve hears you laugh his heart MELTS
~He loves the way you treat Dustin
~Its hasn't even been a minute but mans is already down bad for you
~"Anyways, is Robin here? I borrowed her history notes and I'm just here to drop off little dustybun and give her her notes back"
~"Stop calling me Dustybun!"
~"Uh she's not here yet but she should be in about 15 minutes"
~"Oh alright. Can you give these to her when she gets here then?"
~"I mean or you could stay? Y'know, make sure she gets the notes safely. Plus it'd give me a chance to get to know you better..."
~THE WAYS DUSTINS FACE LIGHTS UP I SWEAR
~You stand there for a second contemplating it. You were curious to get to know more about Steve Harrington, especially since Dustin was constantly talking about him. Eddie will kill you if you have his car for too long without asking though, which was even more of a reason to stay. God you love pissing your brother off.
~"Well what do you wanna know Harrington?"
~The two hit it off surprisingly well
~So well in fact that even after you give Robin her notes, you stay longer
~The moment you leave Steve's decided that he's in love. Like thats that. His search for the right woman is over. He's found you and he's gonna try his damnedest to win your heart
~When you got back to your trailer Eddie was fuming
~He was sitting on the couch with his arms crossed and his leg bouncing up and down while staring at the door
~"My my, what ever is wrong dear brother?"
~"What have I told you about taking my car without permission?!?"
~"Relax I was only gone for 30 minutes"
~"YOU WERE GONE FOR 2 HOURS! What were you even doing?! I thought you were just dropping off Henderson!"
~"I stayed a bit longer to talk to Steve"
"Harrington?!"
~"No Eddie, fucking Steven Spielberg"
~Steve constantly bugging Dustin about you and asking him random ass questions about you
~Dustin deciding to be his wing-man for once, he's always asking you to drive him to the video store
~Constantly stealing Eddies car to take Dustin
~Every time you drop him off, you always stay for an extra hour just talking with Steve
~He tries to flirt with you but he gets so nervous when you're around he becomes Scoops Ahoy Steve again
~Dustin and Robin literally face palming whenever he says something stupid but you finding his failed flirting attempts absolutely adorable
~Eddie constantly asking you what's up with you and Harrington
~Telling him you're just friends but him continuing to nag you
~Eventually having enough with your brother bs so you throw a pillow in his face
~Him throwing one back
~Munson sibling pillow fights>>>>>>
~3 months of you and Steve talking at the video store and he still hasn't asked you out
~Robin and Dustin taking bets on when he'll finally confess
~You constantly go to the video store to talk with Steve, with or without Dustin
~One day you were sitting on the counter reading your book while Steve worked and all of a sudden he just kinda blurted the words "movie theater"
~You looked up from your book to see him looking at you
~"Huh?"
~"I, uh, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies with me"
~"Only on one condition"
~Yeah..?"
~"You let me pick the movie"
~Steve regained his confidence and the two of you started going back and forth as you always did, laughing and talking
~The two of you decided that Steve would pick you up at 7 and you would surprise him with the movie
~"Wait so let me get this straight. Steve 'The Hair' Harrington... asked you out on a date?"
~"Jeez don't sound so surprised. Your little sister is a very desirable woman"
~"Yeah, sure" Eddie said as he scoffed and rolled his eyes
~"Anyways, it's not a date. At least I don't think it is"
~"You've been hanging out with Steve Harrington every day for the past 3 months. It's a date."
~"Go away and let me finish getting ready please"
~"Sure. Meanwhile I can dust off my 'Protective Older Brother' speech"
~"I will hurt you. Get out. Now."
~"What exactly are your intentions with my little sister, Harrington?" Eddie said, mockingly
~"Out!" You said as you threw a pillow with him and he ran out cackling
~At almost 7 exactly, you saw Steve's car pull up to the trailer and you checked yourself really quickly in the mirror before going to meet him at the door, but much to your dismay, Eddie opened the door before you could get there
~"Hey, uh, is Y/n ready?"
~You could HEAR the nervousness in his voice
~"Depends, who's asking?"
~"Eddie, don't be an ass"
~"Sorry Y/n/n, it's habit by now" (God I can just picture his cocky ass smile)
~You roll your eyes before greeting Steve
~"Hey Harrington"
~"H-hey. You ready, gorgeous?"
~Meanwhile Eddie is gagging his soul out behind you after hearing that
~Idk bout yall but I would just combust right then and there... anyways :)
~Steve holds out his hand to help you down the steps and you gladly take it
~As the two of you walk towards his car you turn around to see Eddie still standing in the doorway and you silently jump up and down to show him your excitement
~Has the cutest big brother smile on his face after seeing how excited you are
~Steve opens the door for you and Eddie shouts to the two of you
~"Hey! You better keep your hands to yourself Harrington!"
~You flip him off through the open car window
~No cause why can I picture Steve almost FALLING when trying to walk around the front of the car to get to the drivers seat. You can't tell me you don't see it. Argue with the wall. I do every day... lets not get into my psychological issues and get back to the story :D
~As the two of you are driving there you sing along to the songs on the radio together
~"So what movie are we watching?"
~"You'll see when we get there"
~You guys finally get there and walk up to the ticket booth
~"Two tickets for Clue please"
~"Really?! Clue?! Haven't you seen that movie 4 times already?"
~"5 times actually. Plus you've never seen it! You cant go through your life never having watched Clue!"
~You reach into your pocket to pull out your wallet and Steve sees
~"Put that away. I'm paying"
~"No you're not. I chose the movie, I pay"
"You may have chosen the movie, but I'm the one who asked you out"
~"You barely asked me! All you said was 'movie theaters'"
"I'm paying!"
~"No you're not!"
~As you tried to pull your money out, Steve snatched your wallet out of you hand and you stared at him in disbelief
~"Uh! Gimme my wallet back Harrington!"
~"No! You'll get it back after our date."
~"Oh so this is a date?" you asked teasingly
"Oh, uh, I mean if you want it to be"
~The way his vibe quickly deteriorated after realizing what he said
~"Okay fine. I'll get my wallet back after our date"
~Ion wanna be cheesy, but imma be cheesy cause its Steve motherfucking Harrington
~The classic both hands in the popcorn bucket thing happened (if you dont know what that is, its this thing in movies and shows when the love interests go to the movies and reach for popcorn and there hands touch and they get all awkward and flustered)
~Steve did the stupid thing where he slowly inched his hand closer to yours so he could eventually hold it but you could clearly see what he was trying to do, so you moved his drink onto the ground, lifted the arm rest, and lifted his arm around your shoulder and laid against his chest
~He was flustered as hell. He was not expecting you to do that
~After the movie he drove you home and you could tell he was nervous the entire way
~He walked you to the door but you dragged him to the back of the trailer where there was no window cause you knew Eddie would watch if you guys said goodbye in front of the door
~Before he could comprehend what you were doing, you put your hands around his neck and pulled him down and kissed him
~He was shocked at first but eventually gave into the kiss and wrapped his hands around your waist as he pulled you a lot closer to him (rail me rn like pretty please)
~Once you guys broke apart for air, he rested his forehead against yours
~"I've wanted to do that since the moment I laid eyes on you"
~The two of you stayed there like that for about a minute or two
~You kissed him one more time, this time reaching into his pocket and taking your wallet back
~You gave him one last peck on the lips before running inside
~When he got to his car he was fist-bumping the air and freaking out stop he was so excited
~You walked into the trailer and it was pitch black
~When you turned the lights on you saw Eddie and your uncle sitting on the couch with their arms crossed as they stared at you, which obviously made you jump
~"What the hell are you guys doing?! Why are you sitting there like a couple of weirdos?! God!"
~"We're the ones asking the questions here missy!" Eddie yelled
~Clearly they were both fucking with you since they loved to poke fun at you all the time
"Did he try anything?" Your uncle asked looking more serious that Eddie did
~You sighed and rolled your eyes
~"No he didn't try anything Uncle Wayne"
~"Woooow! So what, does he think you're not good enough?!" Eddie yelled once again
~"What?! No! I mean we kissed a few time but-"
~"You what?! You shouldn't be kissing anyone till your at least 30!" Eddie screamed as he stood up
~"I'm going to sleep. You two make me wanna off myself"
~Your uncle laughed and Eddie walked over to you before you could walk away and he pulled you into a hug
~"You seem happier since he came around. I'm happy for you"
~You wrapped your arms around him, smiling at your older brothers kind words when all of a sudden his grip tightened
~"Let him know that I said if he ever hurts you there is not a place on earth he can hide. I will hunt him down for the rest of my life if I have to and I will make sure he suffers."
~"Alright get off me" you said as you shoved him away in disgust and your uncle laughed in the background
~"Night baby sis!"
~You didn't say anything and just flipped him off as you walked to go to bed
~The next day you walked into the video store and the minute Steve saw you he ran towards you and pulled you into a kiss
~Robin and Dustin hadn't known about your guys date so they were very surprised
~"Fork it over Robin" Dustin said as he stuck his hand out
~"You guys couldn't wait one more month?!" Robin said as she gave Dustin 10 bucks
~Steve driving you to and from school
~You and Robin bullying him in the car
~Friday night date nights
~Lots and lots of cuddles
~PDA PDA PDA
~Trying so hard to get Eddie and Steve to get along but they just won't budge
~Steve meeting your uncle and winning him over
~Steves parents absolutely adoring you
~Steves mom thinks you're "a nice break from all those trashy girls he used to date"
~PDA
~Going on late night drives cause why not
~Hellfire going crazy when Dustin brags about the fact that you and Steve are dating
~"You're actually dating Steve Harrington?!"
~Eddie yelling shut up the way he did in episode 1 when everyone gets rowdy
~He hates hearing about your relationship mainly because your his baby sister, but the fact that he doesn't like Steve is a factor
~P D A he is all about PDA
~You guys never actually had the whole Bf/gf talk
~It just kinda slipped out on accident and he didn't even notice
~Your first "I love you" was when he got attacked in the upside down and you jumped in after him
~Nancy getting a bit weird with you because youre dating her ex, but she sees how good you are for him and the two of you actually hit it off
~Dance parties with him are a must
~He takes you to skull rock but its all cute n stuff he like laid blankets down and had snacks and you guys just laid there cuddling while staring at the stars and talking
~Thats actually when he let "girlfriend" slip out
~"You're the best girlfriend anyone could every ask for, y'know that right?"
~Ended up accidentally falling asleep there and Eddie freaking out when you got home cause he was worried
~I cannot stress this enough but I'll try. Public Display of Affection !!!!
~On your guys night drives you sit on his lap in the backseat and you guys have fallen asleep there multiple times
~One time you guys even fell asleep after you were parked in front of the trailer and you didnt feel like going in yet
~Basically hes just one of the best boyfriends you could ever have and now i wanna cry cause I know I'll never have this
#steve harrington headcanon#steve#steve x reader#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington#steve harrington stranger things#steve harrington can step on me#st4#stranger things 4#stranger things#stranger things season 4#eddie stranger things#steve x munson!reader#eddie munson#eddie munson x sibling!reader
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six months on (albeit, a bit late) part 1/3
part one | part two | epilogue (at some point)
hello would you like a stupid-length run down of the final fifteen?
idk about anyone else, but i kinda find myself regularly in a position where i don't know what to think about the final fifteen. i flit from one explanation or opinion to another; there have been so many facets of this sequence discussed that ive even found myself turned around on what i actually think was going on... was aziraphale threatened? did he do a complete 180 on his character development throughout both seasons? does he genuinely buy what metatron is telling him? how does he take crowley's rejection to return to heaven with him?
so back to basics, and because im itching to stretch the meta-writing legs that isn't solely an ask response or a purely batshit speculation - and because throughout writing this, i anticipate that i might surprise myself on how, overall, i interpret the whole scene... going back to basics and simply rewatching the scene (and making copious notes) is in order! just don't expect this to be anything you've necessarily not seen before - there are no revelations in this post.
please also note that this is an incredibly long, winding, and abhorrently lengthy post. no im not actually sorry about it, i needed to write it all out for my own bloody sanity
shall we begin?
so first thing's first: metatron saying his first line as he did indicates that aziraphale has expressed some hesitation. might be his body language, or possibly he's even said as such - something along the lines of, 'id need to discuss it with crowley', or something as simple as, 'im not sure, i need to think'. either way, aziraphale certainly responds to the metatron in a way that would suggest he is excited... but definitely incredulous and nervous.
and as for the metatron terming it as 'good news'; he seems to think that he and aziraphale are on the same page, that they hold the same opinion on whatever they've talked about. given what he later says about crowley, however - plus the borderline-disparaging remarks about going his own way, the Evil Glare™, and how quickly he just accepts that crowley isn't going - suggest that he a) doesn't want crowley in heaven, and b) that he anticipates that crowley will, in fact, consider the offer to return to heaven as very much Bad News Bears, and summarily reject it.
aziraphale starts making his way back to the bookshop, and boy do those expressions tell a story. that is not a happy angel. as soon as he steps off the pavement, his face falls, and his brow tightens in nerves, worry, and possibly even confusion; that to me is a, 'how the fuck am i going to explain this, how am i even going to word it?'. there's a quick, fortifying breath, and he's squaring the shoulders just as he moves out of frame. getting fanciful, that is an angel that is practically steeling himself to do battle; he knows crowley isn't going to like this, knows that it's going to be a hard sell. but what is key is that he does all of this walking away from the metatron, where he can't see - if nothing else, it's a very different expression to the 'excitement' he showed just seconds earlier.
but then he gets into the bookshop, and that expression is gone. for whatever reason, he doesn't want crowley to see it either. he doesn't want crowley to see anything less than joy, confidence, or excitement - he doesn't want to let crowley see that something is wrong/amiss. we then see the metatron, after establishing that muriel might be an adequate replacement to look after the bookshop, look across the street and presumably have a clear view of the two of them in the shop itself.
now, let's talk about crowley for a sec. crowley is equally nervous, and we can presume that it stems from the conversation with nina and maggie - that he needs to start opening communication with aziraphale, especially if anything is to move forward... and the best place to start, we presume (because, ultimately, we don't know for certain what he was going to say or how he was going to word it in this moment) is to propose that he and aziraphale - if nothing else - truly become an 'us'. maybe there's a love confession in there, maybe not. regardless, he's fidgety, but resolute; he even swipes off his glasses to show how committed he is to diving headfirst into this vulnerability that he otherwise keeps under wraps.
aziraphale, whilst crowley is word-vomiting, is immediately starting off with hand movements to get him to slow down, to quieten down, or stop talking altogether. as he does so, he's looking right back out of the shop window, as if he's aware of metatron's reciprocal gaze in. he's doing so with a pretty sincere smile on his face, and that to me is saying a couple of things:
aziraphale, i think, from the moment he set foot in the shop and saw nina and maggie coming back out, possibly already knew where crowley was going with the conversation. he's just watched as crowley practically offered up alpha centauri to gabriel and beelzebub as a refuge, somewhere he's already expressed that he and aziraphale could go to escape the apocalypse. so; to aziraphale's mind, in crowley doing so, a) crowley has chosen to remain on earth come what may - otherwise he'd have kept his chosen prospective bolthole quiet, and b) in the context where crowley offers it to them, as a safe place for two hereditary enemies just like them to love each other in peace, aziraphale recognises that that might have been what crowley wanted for them too. ergo, to my mind, crowley's confession is not necessarily a surprise to aziraphale - i daresay he likely saw it coming
aziraphale does not jump in straight away to interrupt crowley, and nor does he do it with any harsh or abrupt language. he wants to revisit this conversation - literally the meaning of 'hold that thought' - but what he has to say takes precedence. and to be fair, depending on how we interpret the preceding scene with the metatron (and what is revealed in the flashback conversation), it is arguably a more pressing matter to discuss, especially if it concerns their respective safeties... but it's a conversation he wants to return to
that being said, if aziraphale does know that the confession is inbound, the fact that he would treat it as somewhat of a joking matter - especially given how uncomfortable and fervent crowley's own demeanour is - is a bit... nasty? aziraphale has definitely, on previous occasions, expressed flashes of superiority over crowley, but i don't think this is a situation where he does feel superior... not at all. instead, again, considering how he quickly cheers up his expression when he enters the shop, this to me is aziraphale trying to mask his own discomfort, panic, and worry. he's keeping this whole thing as light and airy as he possibly can.
we then move on to aziraphale telling crowley he has some "incredibly good news" to give him... which, okay, sure, it might be that aziraphale is anticipating it to be good news. but again, the expression outside the shop? if he was that confident that crowley would be jumping for joy at the merest suggestion of returning to heaven, the conflicted expressions of worry and trepidation would, presumably, not have happened. so, i once again can only take this line to be aziraphale trying to dress it up with excitement. and i say dress it up because... we've seen aziraphale beside himself with excitement, right? and this is not it. this (first two snips) is aziraphale being giddy with excitement, or at least a job well done, not the latter clip:
aziraphale is barely able to get the words out properly after this point, he's nigh incoherent, and his hand movements indicate he's practically frantic... someone who normally, even when nervous or uncomfortable, keeps his hands quite close to his body, clasped comfortingly in front of him or stiff at his sides. we then furthermore have what he seems to mouth in the midst of this flurry of movement and mumbling, which, yes, is speculation but i rather much stand by it so far... and as such, seems to match his expression outside of the bookshop of, 'what the fuck am i going to say'.
also worth noting, to his credit, that crowley is being remarkably patient throughout all of this - i think he potentially does recognise that something is amiss? the 'somethings wrong' voice? recognises that despite himself being interrupted from something really quite important, aziraphale is evidently... not himself.
what intrigues me however, before we get into the meat of aziraphale and metatron's conversation, is how aziraphale words this particular bit:
because aziraphale catches himself before he says something potentially rather offensive, and then turns it back on himself. for example: "i don't think he's as bad a fellow as he came across", or "-as we thought he was", compared to aziraphale then backtracking and owning that it was his fault, "i think i might have misjudged him!".
what does it matter if he calls out the metatron for having been an arse in s1? it was a perfectly fair assessment to make, by all accounts, and presumably one that he and crowley had a laugh/bitch over post-s1... why would he recount that particular line? it wouldn't change the sentiment, ultimately - that aziraphale is trying to convey to crowley that the metatron 'is actually kind of alright!' - and it's not like crowley would be offended either way... so, are we to assume that even if the metatron can't hear what he's saying (although i have further speculation on this too, by the by, but this is a little more tentative) aziraphale perhaps fears that he can? in much the same way that he only let his expression truly slip once his back was turned, out on the street?
but then we move onto the offer itself, and the conversation between him and the metatron. aziraphale starts getting into his stride, probably because now he's just simply recounting what actually happened, all supported by the flashbacks we get. aziraphale isn't having to lie, as far as we can tell - he's simply going over the conversation he had. let's break that down:
aziraphale initially seems quite relaxed to be sat opposite metatron, insomuch that he doesnt look overly tense. frankly, he just looks bored, wanting to get this over and done with, likely so he can head back to the bookshop and be left in peace. as he said before they left; he has made his position clear, he wants nothing to do with heaven (at least as it currently is), and this is just a courtesy, to hear out whatever the voice of god has to say. of course, metatron then blindsides aziraphale by saying that - of course - the only option to replace gabriel must be aziraphale.
what is noteworthy is how aziraphale says, "and i said... "me?!"... and he said-". because when we cut back to the flashback, aziraphale's expression has not changed at all. there's no excitement, but more just bafflement and shock... and not one that indicates he's in any way enthusiastic about the idea. the fact that aziraphale chooses to recount that particular 'me?!' the way he does to crowley suggests that he's, quite possibly, putting it on, playing the part, and deliberately overstating his initial reaction - almost like he's trying to hype crowley up in turn. furthermore - aside from all the handwaving and nervous huffs of laughter - aziraphale does not even blink throughout this whole spiel to crowley. just an observation.
metatron gives his bullshit rationalisation for choosing aziraphale - and i say bullshit because from their last interaction in s1, aziraphale arguably did not display much of the qualities that metatron purports he has... if any at all - and aziraphale visibly starts to subtly panic. there's the glance away, his shoulders stiffen, he swallows nervously, breathes heavily. when aziraphale does speak, it's immediately to declare that he doesn't want the position, doesn't want to go back to heaven full stop (very reminiscent of his reaction to the promotion offer in the cut 1800 scene), and gives the excuse of the coffee.
metatron then brings out Les Big Guns. before the metatron says anything else, and without so much as a hint from aziraphale, metatron oh so casually remarks that aziraphale would have the final say on who he works with. he already anticipates that aziraphale's hang-up about going back to heaven may not be in fact the coffee, and tbh may not in fact be anything to do with earth itself, but everything to do with crowley remaining on earth. crowley is however a demon, and in his current form would not be able to go to heaven (which in turn begs another observation - does metatron not know that crowley infiltrated heavily pretty easily earlier in the episode?... hmm).
as such, the obvious solution for the metatron is to drop the fact that he probably knows a lot more about aziraphale and crowley's historic dealings with each other than would otherwise be anticipated. he mentions that he has had the chance to peruse over... recordings? reports? photos? that show the span of aziraphale's relationship with crowley - and unspokenly suggests that he knows everything. and then he offers a very neat, tidy solution to that small 'hes a demon' snag. he tells aziraphale he would have the authority to restore crowley, so he could come with him.
aziraphale, whilst metatron is revealing the scope of his intelligence gathering, looks like he's about to burst into tears. to me? that is horror, and fear - like a frightened animal being suddenly backed into a corner. his eyes start darting everywhere, his face - especially his jaw - tenses, and he looks like he's about to leg it out of his chair at any given moment. and namely, once metatron tells him he could restore crowley to being an angel, we don't see aziraphale's resultant expression at all. it immediately cuts back to the bookshop.
why would aziraphale fear metatron knowing everything about him and crowley? this isn't clear. it may simply be residue fear, muscle memory, from years gone by where their association has had to exist in utmost secret. alternatively, it might be that aziraphale is not comfortable in the knowledge that not only does metatron want something from him (to return to heaven), but that metatron has very accurately landed on aziraphale's pressure point (crowley). this is what i mean when i say, as i have in previous posts, that i don't think there's a missing, overt threat from the metatron that we've not been shown, but that aziraphale feels threatened.
compare this to nearly every spy movie you've ever seen - you want someone to do something for you, but they're resistant? just casually drop that you know that their partner has just had a new haircut, or that their child looked happy going into school that morning, or that their parent is struggling to pay for their medical bills... it's sufficient information enough to instill a sense of peril without being an unclassy, hamfisted, overt threat.
my last thought on the flashbacks; as was said brilliantly in this post (@fearandhatred), i don't think the flashbacks were disingenuous, and i don't believe that there are gaps missing that will be revealed in s3. but i do think that there are some key things that aziraphale might not have actually told crowley in his recount of the conversation. crowley responds in his next line specifically to the offer of restoration... so, did aziraphale even tell him about the metatron knowing all about them? their "de facto partnership", their "previous exploits"? because personally, i don't think he did. once again - the narrative irony that we as the audience have the full story, but crowley potentially does not.
but anyway; back to the bookshop.
...okay, aziraphale. right. i mean, first of all, crowley is just as taken aback, shocked, and incredulous as aziraphale seems to have been during the flashbacks. but aziraphale? everything has slowed down, almost calmed, like the eye of the storm has passed over. he almost looks less manic, less (frankly) deranged, and seems to actually be settling in the fact that the offer itself might actually be a good thing - something that crowley might in fact want. it's still not quite right, he's still not quite acting in a way that makes me think aziraphale's being entirely forthcoming with crowley.
the way he says that crowley could "come back" is soft and gentle, as if he's granting the most amazing, positively astounding opportunity - that heaven is doing something that it has never (as far as we or aziraphale, presumably, is aware) done before, and welcoming crowley back... like it's equal parts forgiveness towards crowley for having done whatever he did (im deliberately trying to keep this concept very vague and objective), and apology to crowley for a punishment that far outweighed any possible 'crime' he could have committed... like heaven is attempting to make reparations for what they did to him in the fall.
putting this outside the main body because it's another slight tangent. we know that crowley being good, nice, and/or kind is not necessarily indicative that crowley should or ought to be an angel. there are shades of grey. however, i do think aziraphale... still has issues with that. still has issues with aligning what he thinks good is, how intrinsically important being good is to him, and then where crowley sits in the midst of all of it - almost like aziraphale accepts that he himself may be in the grey, accepts his shortcomings, but where crowley is concerned aziraphale readily glosses over a number of his... not-so-nice bits. this might stem from aziraphale believing that it's more palatable to love crowley if he believes him to essentially be an angel in all but name, but i don't think it's quite that. more that aziraphale maybe thinks that 'good' is the ideal to hold, that heaven is the place that was meant to be good, and that crowley himself is good... so... well, isn't it the logical conclusion that crowley would want to return to heaven?
so going back to this bit of the scene: i don't think aziraphale ever wanted crowley to revert back to factory settings, never even considered the notion, nor necessarily thought that crowley would be better as an angel... but instead perhaps that being an angel again is what crowley would want. that it would be nothing more, really, than a rubber stamp in his personnel file. i think aziraphale was simply remembering the angel that was joyful in creating, surrounded himself in the exaltation of imagining new and wonderful things, bringing them to life; why wouldn't, in its most basic essence, aziraphale want that for crowley again? for crowley to be back where - as far as aziraphale likely remembers - he was at his happiest? and if he has the power to give it, like the metatron said, isn't that the greatest gift aziraphale could ever bestow upon him?
if we accept, as the whole final fifteen scene is intimating pretty strongly thus far, that aziraphale is trying to keep his panic and fear about the whole situation under wraps from crowley, it simultaneously makes sense that he would offer this to crowley as if he's saying:
'here's a wonderful thing that im pretty certain you've always wanted; please, just this once, don't ask questions about anything else, please just concentrate on this, i can handle everything else. just please say yes to coming back with me, i need you to come back. you can be happy, and i can sort out heaven, so that one day we can just simply walk away and never have to look over our shoulders. i'm scared, but i don't really have a choice, and tbh im even more scared what might happen if i leave you behind.'
but as metatron, i think, clearly anticipates, and as i think aziraphale truthfully does too as he first heads into the bookshop, this was never going to be something that crowley would accept. it's not something crowley wants. crowley - for whatever reason (again, in the absence of knowing anything concrete about the fall, keeping this deliberately vague) - was rejected by heaven in the most literal sense possible. slapping him with an angel stamp and dressing him in a white suit means nothing of value to him, and is the furthest from what he wants; in fact, actually, if anything, it's the biggest insult he could be afforded. because what has suddenly made him redeemable, palatable, 'forgiveable', in the eyes of heaven? nothing; just that he's a pawn in whatever bargain the metatron is trying to strike with aziraphale... and from crowley's pov, aziraphale has agreed to using him as a game piece. it doesn't confer value onto crowley, if anything it reduces it; in this equation, even if he were to accept the offer, he'd essentially be nothing more than a negotiated benefit for aziraphale to take the job.
(and that's all assuming that restoration would in fact mean crowley gets to continue being him, albeit in fancy white clothes - when there's the very real possibility that, if restoration as a concept even exists at all, heaven would just wipe him and set him off from ground zero all over again. aziraphale seems to have taken the metatron's word for it; that restoration even exists, that aziraphale would have the power to do it, and that it would mean he gets to keep crowley exactly as he is).
at which point... crowley knows that aziraphale didn't turn down the offer in the metaphorical room - "and you told him just where he could stick it, then?"... he's hopeful, possibly, but his expression suggests that he fully anticipates that aziraphale has bought into the crock of shit that metatron has spun him. that aziraphale took the job on the provision that crowley could join him, which crowley points out to be beneath the both of them, "oh, we're better than that- you're better than that, angel!".
aziraphale however, as explained above, sees it as being the best, safest, most opportune option for them both to take; "not at all", said with the tone of surprise that it is, suggests that aziraphale didn't ever consider the possibility of saying no, maybe because he feels that he can't, and never thought that crowley would say no, either. along with the surprise tone however, he says it with a very tense expression - the smile has frozen, and his tense are gritted. it might be that he genuinely thought that crowley would say yes, or because - again, if he's in fear of being overheard - he's worried about the implications of what crowley has just said.
crowley goes on to rant that he turned down hell when beelzebub made a very similar offer to crowley in ep1 (which, by the by, he... didn't. for whatever reason, crowley did not say no, nor any variant of a refusal, to beelzebub), and aziraphale remarks that that's a given, as "you're the bad guys".
now... i wince at this particular line every time i watch the final fifteen, as im sure everyone else does, but i don't think it's - at all - meant in the way that crowley likely receives it. certainly not in the way that the majority of the audience seems to have received it.
im not set to diminish or invalidate, on crowley's part, how it must feel to hear aziraphale still consider him a 'bad guy', simply because he's a demon. but from aziraphale's perspective, crowley is a demon, and demons are of hell. hell are not the good guys, as a collective - as has been proven time and time again - and, well, if heaven are meant to be the good guys, hell are by process of elimination the bad guys. once again, aziraphale arrives a rather binary conclusion of good vs. evil.
but equally consider that this is also the aziraphale that regularly compliments crowley on his niceness and his good deeds. that same aziraphale does not think of crowley as 'a bad guy'. he is blunt that crowley is of hell, who are the collective bad guys, because hell is the bad side to the heaven that was meant to be the good side. and as said above - crowley is good! he's a good person! he might be a demon, of hell, but he belongs on the side of good! which leads to this lovely little number:
throughout this whole part of their discussion, aziraphale has presented as more and more sure, less panicky and nervous - because i think this is something that he absolutely believes. he might have initially not wanted anything to do with heaven, but now? with the possibility that crowley could join him? suddenly then it's viable... lucrative, even - that he could fix heaven, that crowley could help him do it, they'd be together, and they'd get their happy, safe ending. his expression on "good" would suggest his confusion that crowley doesn't appear to share the same opinion - sure, heaven is shit now, but it was always meant to be good, right?* doesn't crowley see that?
crowley, however, justifiably illustrates that, the way he sees it (and has been demonstrated by the narrative), both sides are as flawed and redundant as each other; aziraphale can be as optimistic as he likes that heaven is redeemable, is fixable, but all crowley can see is that both are so inherently awful, so rotten to the very foundation, that there is no saving them... heaven least of all, for being the side that purports itself to be good. hell, at least, is aware of its very nature; heaven is insidious, and doesn't even have the good grace to acknowledge it, instead chalking it up to being god's will, and therefore whatever they do must be good.
and with that, i think crowley simultaneously starts to really panic - knowing that he's losing aziraphale - and yet hopes against all hope that he's gotten through to him, changed his mind, and begins pleading with him to tell him the exact thing he wants to hear; 'this is a bad idea, please don't do this, please-'
aziraphale is visibly struggling to even collect his thoughts, to even find the words to summarise why he's going to do this. simultaneously, aziraphale is dumbfounded. i think part of that is because he recognises the truth in what crowley is saying, but i also think that he's now in a position where his plan to get crowley to come with him has failed, and he's at a loss for what to do - what to say - next. he looks from crowley, looks out the window, his mouth is working to try and say something, even looks down at his feet, before coming up with the best way he can to explain why he's doing this. "if im in charge... i can make a difference."
*because once again (i'll die on this hill), i don't think aziraphale thinks that heaven as it currently is, is something that is good, light, or truth... but that heaven's intended purpose was to be those things, and is what heaven in essence stands for... irrespective of whoever is in charge. aziraphale has no allegiance to heaven as it currently is. michael, uriel, sandalphon, gabriel when he was supreme archangel - all of them have corrupted heaven to be something that it was never meant to be. but aziraphale has to believe that heaven itself is redeemable, has to believe that there is something salvageable; if it weren't, does that mean that aziraphale in turn is not either of those things too? does that mean that aziraphale is not good? heaven is capable of great things, that could benefit everyone involved; so couldn't aziraphale, from all of the experience he's gained, do something to make heaven exactly that?
it doesn't mean that aziraphale is any more correct for this more nuanced assumption, but i think it poses there is a very fine line in aziraphale's thinking. to my mind, aziraphale is not backtracking on the entirety of what he's learnt since the beginning, he's not suddenly heaven's man again - but instead is recognising that heaven is broken as it currently is... and that he could potentially fix it. if anything, that recognition that what he thought was faultless actually needs fixing, and that he may be able to do it, because it's the right thing to do... is exactly the character development i was expecting? an angel who has himself been rejected time and time again for being who he is, without even the finality of falling, could actually be the key to making heaven something worthy of the name.
he has to take that opportunity, to be that change, but he doesn't want to leave crowley to do so. not only because, of course, he simply loves crowley and wants both, but if he does leave crowley, what could happen to crowley without aziraphale being in a position to protect him? what, for me, it all boils down to is that aziraphale thinks going to heaven is the right thing to do, but only entertained it seriously when a) crowley's name, and their relationship, was casually mentioned in a way that felt like metatron would use it as leverage, and b) crowley could potentially come with him. ultimately, the fact remains that crowley more important to him than heaven is.
let's return to the specific wording of 'make a difference'. it's... fairly neutral, right? make a difference for whom? what kind of difference? the difference that metatron was talking about, or the difference that, in the most idealistic scenario possible, aziraphale and crowley both would probably want to happen? it's carefully worded - and coupled with eeeeverything that i've said about how aziraphale acts with the metatron, how he was hiding his expression as he entered the shop, and then how aziraphale seems to backtrack on bitch-talking the metatron... look, i don't necessarily buy that aziraphale is trying to speak in a riddle or code that he knows crowley would understand, but i do wonder if he's now hoping that crowley will read between the lines. he can't outright tell crowley his suspicions, and was possibly trying to get crowley to come with him in a way that wouldn't alert crowley to anything amiss whatsoever... but now? now that crowley is resisting? he has to edge slightly closer towards transparency.
in the hypothetical scenario that aziraphale is fearful that they may be overheard, or observed, aziraphale has to be careful. he has to word whatever he says in such a way that he appears to be heaven's man, that he genuinely wants to take the opportunity to run heaven and the 'enormous projects' that are in planning, in a way that doesn't disclose to the metatron that aziraphale is in any way suspicious of him. to crowley, however, he has to convey that he isn't heaven's man, that he wants to change things that would mean that it be for the better, and do all of that whilst not alerting crowley that there may be danger. 'make a difference' suddenly has a double-meaning, because for whose benefit does aziraphale truly want to change things?
crowley then, bless his heart, bravely launches into his confession that he tried to start at the beginning, and i think he does so in an effort to be completely transparent on why he needs aziraphale to stay - an effort to convince him to remain with crowley for no other reason than that he wants to be with him... and now? now he's not even sure it'll work. he's tried demonstrating where heaven isn't worth the effort, to no avail, so now he's going for full vulnerability mode. honestly, what a trooper, he was so so brave
aziraphale throughout the confession is practically motionless. the manic energy has disappeared, and from the subtle flickers in his expression, i think he saw this coming - saw it coming from the moment that he saw crowley offer up alpha centauri to gabriel and beelzebub, and saw nina and maggie very surreptitiously leave the bookshop. i think to some degree, aziraphale knew at least the nature of what crowley was going to say, and as a result, he gets very nervous:
at the sheer mention of "group", aziraphale pointedly (to me, anyway) looks out of the window. generally, he looks shifty - avoiding eye contact, eyes flickering, heavy breathing - but it's so deliberate that he looks out of the window where, we can surmise, is the general environs of where the metatron is still waiting. again - the metatron saying "de facto partnership", and all of his allusions to knowing the true nature and extent of aziraphale's association with crowley, seems all the more sinister if this line - "a team- a group!" - is specifically when aziraphale's eyes betray his concern. i don't think he's necessarily scared that the metatron will overhear this bit, because ultimately the metatron has intimated that he already knows this, but crowley is, potentially, and very much unknowingly, placing them in even more danger by vocalising the exact nature of what he and aziraphale feel for each other.
i also want to remark on aziraphale's look of confusion when crowley says, "spent our existence pretending that we aren't". ive had many a thought on why aziraphale would look so perplexed, and only one kind of makes sense to me - that actually, within the last few years, aziraphale... wasn't pretending at all. crowley told him that they were on their own side in tadfield, something that may have taken a while, but ultimately aziraphale in the "so did i" demonstrates that he was fully on board with, and he's now spent a good portion of s2 trying to make 'their side' all the more meaningful... crowley was no longer going too fast for him, but instead he was trying to show crowley that he had caught up - felt free enough to match his speed.
that, for me, would make sense with crowley's next line, where he himself clarifies that actually, no - the last couple of years they weren't pretending like they were before. something changed after armageddon, and that was that they both were removed enough from heaven and hell that they could finally explore what 'us' might mean for them. crowley is consistently taken aback by what aziraphale intended to be overtures of closeness and adoration - the frequent touching, the bentley, the ball - because aziraphale was trying to demonstrate it with actions, rather than words. crowley previously showed aziraphale how he felt about him - the rescues, the dinners, the books - and aziraphale was trying to speak to him in a language that he thought crowley would understand.
but crowley then plays the card that he played before, and that even under better circumstances aziraphale would never accept; "if gabriel and beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can!". aziraphale didn't accept it - however much he might have selfishly, privately wanted to - in s1 under threat of armageddon, and it's certainly not an option now when the metatron is literally outside the door. again, if we accept that aziraphale has read the conversation he had with the metatron as some kind of subtle threat, legging it is absolutely not an option he can take. on one hand, he might not want to; aziraphale typically chooses, when his back is against the wall, to fight his way out, to push back. on the other... it's the same as the bandstand; where could they possibly go where heaven won't find them? if they even got that far, how long would they have to keep running? they would constantly have to look over their shoulders, and exist together as if it's something that should be hidden out of fear, and guilt, and shame.
it then makes sense that aziraphale suddenly finds movement as crowley in turn grows more frantic in them being "an 'us'!"; aziraphale starts quickly shaking his head, tearing up, at what crowley is saying. crowley tries stoicly to cajole aziraphale into agreeing, because surely this time he will. aziraphale however strides right up to him, and counters again that he and crowley can be together, can be an 'us', but why can't it be in heaven? neither of them are denying what they want from the other. aziraphale then goes on to lay out exactly how it could work, that he could "run it, [crowley'll] be [his] second-in-command".
i know that a lot of people take issue with this line, because it suggests that aziraphale is claiming superiority, and relegating crowley to the oh-so-lowly deputy position... but tbh, i just can't see it like that. i have no doubt that crowley might see it like that (re: what i said above about crowley potentially seeing the restoration as an insult, because it's only offered not in recognition of crowley himself, but instead as a consolatory benefit of aziraphale taking the offer) but i just simply cannot fathom that aziraphale would ever mean it like that. because look - they haven't even gotten out the door, and already aziraphale has it all planned out. he'd bypass the other archangels not only to take the top position himself, at the metatron's behest, but he'd immediately use that power to install crowley right by his side. he's not offering crowley to just return to his lab/office cubicle as an angel, and once-in-a-blue-moon see aziraphale when he maybe had the time; he's already scheming to give crowley one of the most powerful positions he possibly can. he wants to place crowley in a position not only where aziraphale can always protect him, but it also shows that he trusts crowley more implicitly than any other being, and is frankly offering to fix heaven to be one that crowley would want to see. that crowley could have direct input in building. one that is good enough to have him.
aziraphale solidifies this with "we can make a difference". note the pronoun shift from before? and how he half-whispers it to crowley, fervent and desperate for crowley to see exactly what they could do together? notice how aziraphale isn't scanning around him at the windows anymore? to me, this is the real motivation, right here. metatron is giving both of them an opportunity for them to play their own game; aziraphale is prepared to take it, but wants crowley by side - as a team - when he does... why wouldn't crowley?
okay im going to cheat here slightly and direct you to this, because my thoughts on this are pretty much still the same. it's apt that this is the nail in the coffin as far as this conversation goes, because for me it's the main (only?) instance in which the two of them are both entirely candid in what they're saying, hoping the other understands, and yet the two meanings miss each other completely. everything else has been a conflict in beliefs or ideals, but this? this is The miscommunication.
crowley is saying: 'this bookshop means so much to you, and it means so much to me too. you even said it was ours, not just yours; it represents where we both felt most safe, where we could be entirely ourselves and not fear or worry about anything going on outside it. you gave me a home in this place, with you - you can't just leave it like it's nothing, you can't just leave 'us' like it's nothing, you can't just leave me like im nothing.'
aziraphale is saying: 'this bookshop means so much to me, it's true, but in a thousand years - even maybe a hundred years - it will be little more than rubble. it represents what i used to treasure more than anything, because it was what i took pleasure in, and i could be myself. it was ours, but really all it is, is little more than paper, glass, and brick. you are my home, and you are more important than a building with windows and a creaky front door. being together, being safe, is all i want, and is all that matters.'
all of that is summed up nicely in crowley just... letting all the fight drain out of his body. tilts his head back, in that famous nod of, 'oh right okay, i see what you're saying'. wills the tears not to fall; to him, aziraphale has just rejected everything that crowley thought aziraphale held dear - including himself. nothing lasts forever, including them... when what aziraphale is saying is that nothing lasts forever, but they could.
crowley puts his shield back on, the sunglasses back in their usual place. aziraphale sees him do so, and has the faintest, hopeful smile on his face; because he thinks that crowley has finally gotten what aziraphale was trying to convey to him - and so, now, they're going to leave the shop together, go to heaven together, and work together to fix heaven into what it always should have been... and along the way, grant them the freedom to do whatever the hell they want to do, and do it in peace. crowley however shatters that; he steps out from around aziraphale, and wishes him luck... and aziraphale realises that they are not in fact on the same page, and actually now whatever was holding on by a thread might have finally snapped.
*
okay look if you've made it this far - first of all how and why, you madman, this was stupidly long and convoluted... but also many kisses of gratitude unto you for sticking it out this long. i'm planning (if the dopamine gods remain with me) on doing a part 2 where i look at the last bit of the domestic, and the kiss, again - to see what i unearth there too, but thoughts so far:
aziraphale feels under threat from the metatron, and has to prioritise acquiescing to his request on pain of [redacted]
but he also knows that if the metatron knows that crowley is his pressure point, his only option is to try to a) convince the metatron that he (aziraphale) is completely on board, and docile, and b) convince crowley to come back with him, not only for his safety but also so they can be together, and because actually, to aziraphale's mind, the offer is a good thing, possibly something crowley has always secretly wanted, and crowley deserves it
alongside feeling threatened, aziraphale is wary that the metatron may be able to observe/hear their conversation. he therefore cannot say anything that would antagonise the metatron, cannot say anything that would suggest that aziraphale knows that the metatron is a Big Bad, and cannot let crowley in on the truth because crowley would question it too hard and endanger them both
aziraphale knows that crowley is about to confess his feelings, or something of a similar sentiment. aziraphale wants to hear it, but only when he can be sure that crowley will come back to heaven with him, where he can be safe in a position of power, right by aziraphale's side
when crowley begins to resist the idea, and battles back with a plan of this own for them to be together, aziraphale a) has to impress upon him that going back to heaven, and potentially fixing it in their image (lmao god complex much, aziraphale?) is the right thing to do, especially if they are to have any kind of future together, and b) has to do so, again, in a way that won't alert crowley that something more nefarious might be going on. regardless, they both operate on the understanding that they want to be together
however. the one major miscommunication in the entire part of the first sequence is "nothing lasts forever" - this particular part is practically the repeat of the different exactlies from episode 1
ok bye
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my take on daniel/alpha tauri situation
I MEAN IM HAPPY BUT IM ALSO ????
ok lemme think
-if this is really what daniel wants, then I'm all for it. however, due to the concerns about his mental health/own admittance of wanting to take the year of in his original statements, it makes me a bit worried that daniel has just said yes over-eagarly. like,,, i can't imagine the heartbreak of working for something your whole life, making one poor business decision and having a shit car/team (not lando my boy could never) and feeling 'bad' at what you've spend our childhood chasing. especially after his successes at red bull and then only getting one win in 4 years compared to like 7 in 2 years. i feel like truly retiring is so hard for ANY driver, we can see many return to racing even after calling it quits (Fernando, nico hulkenberg, romain grosjean after the huge almost fatal accident where he lowkey promised his wife he's walk away is now doing feeder series). really in modern times, the only two main drivers that can come to mind and left the sport willingly without returning are rosberg and vettel, but they left because they achieved what they wanted (rosberg finally beating hamilton/ vettel 4 time WDC loved driving but decided it was time to move on to be with his family).
like,,, even in my FICTIONAL strollonso fic idea it details why he came back to racing, and a part of that was because he didn't have a wife/kids to fill his time with. it was everything he wanted his whole life and then after retirement he has... nothing. and tbh i feel it may be the same for daniel??? especially as unlike fernando in 2018, nico in 2016 and vettel 2022, daniel did not leave by his own volition.
anyway basically i'm a bit nervous he's rushing back into a seat, that is under the same management he (lowkey ruined) his career and reputation on, and in a worse car. like it's a shit car. i think it might depress him more???? and him moving back is to put pressure on checo who has been underperforming. which is smart in a sense, but ughhhh. i think daniel's looking back at redbull times with rose coloured glasses, just a little bit. however, i think he is in a better place mentally and physically compared to mclaren and as long as he performs well (so like gets points almost every race - I'm sure red bull is expecting him to be better than tsunoda who is getting approx p11) the team will be on his side.
now for the other side of this equation... nyck.
damn red bull kinda cruel. 6 months to prove himself and nope, he's fucked. in fairness he was underperforming, but lowkey its almost like in an AU timeline (LMAO) if he didn't race in 2022 and cause such high expectations for himself with points on debut, i BET he'd at least make it through the season. and what about that $20 million dollar debt or something he owes to somebody??? without red bull racing legal team he's so fucked :((( but yeah idk his 'step up' from alphatauri (ie redbull) was unlikely due to late joining age and other shit. like he's on the same amount of points as logan, no? piastri is a god, but I'm sure red bull is comparing all the rookies.
hmmm for me i'm just more sad about his future endeavours lowkey,,,, like he was champion in Formula E, but now i think everyone will look at him like the 'dude who couldn't make one season of f1' ya know???
idk, sport is cruel and business is cruel and money is on the line and helmut terrifies me, blah blah blah.
final thoughts: nyck's very bad not good horrible day, and daniel's very good, not bad, terrific day that i pray doesn't end up becoming a nightmare for himself, physically and mentally.
#f1#formula one#dr3#daniel ricciardo#nyck de vries#alpha tauri#red bull racing#silly season has begun#my thoughts on the driver switch: a rant#an overanalysis of me probably being completely wrong about our boys#i'll draw nyck's portrait as a goodbye gift
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omg i don't think you can even begin to imagine how fucking happy i was while reading this chapter. i love happy zukka, they are so !!!! together thank u thank u thank u thank uuuuuuu.
i became fucking insane reading this i swear, i love how you write, all of the characters you write about feel so human and real and full of details and feeling i love it. like, ara is such a complex character i really enjoy reading her. i enjoy reading anybody actually and like, i sometimes forget that some characters are ocs instead of actual alta charters. i love katara and suki being besties and the interactions between toph and sokka. AND ZUKKA AJS2(+#+$IDO!!!!!!2?2(2929. omg just omg. i love how caring they are for eachother and I'm so glad they are more open and touchy with eachother, i now feel like they can actually start to heal together.
OOOO talking again about Ara, i maintain my point about wanting her to have some friends and to heal because she deserves it!!! i support womans rights and woman's wrongs (jk, I'm still a bit angry at her for like everything she did to zuko and i want to se some kind of interaction between them but at the same time i feel bad for her). oh and jet, yey I'm glad he's not dead and he's starting to realize how much of an asshole he was!!!! i also really liked the piandao bit, because it made me remember how much time everyone (hopefully) has to heal, so please don't kill anyone sreeady ☺️☺️
i love love love love love love love love love your ocs and your characterization and your worldbuilding and your writing and how fuckin long your chapters are!!!(god when I saw the wordcount of this one i almost screamed of pure joy). i am your biggest fan sreeady i swear 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
anyways, i am excited about the next chapter, i really want to read the whole family dinner thing because that could either way go akward asf or low-key bad (of hopefully good but i don't want to get my hopes up). i am not really excited about azul, don't get me wrong, i love her, but I'm really scared about what will happen when she finally arrived and stuff happens.
as i always say, i love you, you are the best and i hope you have the best week/month/anything ever because you deserve it (you have no idea how long I been waiting for cuddling zukka 🙏🙏🙏)
MILKYYYYYYYY!!!!
I’m really thrilled you enjoyed the last chapter haha, because honestly sometimes I get so used to writing angsty drama that I get to a soft scene & im like hmmmmmmmmm do i even remember what that is?? Haha.
I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU OMG!!!! you seriously have no idea how many times I read this ask and smiled. I am so glad the cuddly soft zukka hit all the right spots haha, they are such dorks in love I just wanna smother them! (I won’t…. I promise haha)
You know you mention Ara and I gotta say I was expecting SO MUCH ARA HATE after last chapter but I was shocked people seem…. Idk…. More understanding? Idk I know she’s complicated & not a ‘good girl’ but when you explore her characters thoughts it really makes her that much more complex. Haha I’m not going to lie I’m not looking forward to her finding out about Shen though ahhh.
Speaking of dead fire benders you’re right it seems like pretty much DYING was the push Jet needed to confront his life choices. He was forced to look at his situation without voicing his excuses and blocking out his thoughts. Now hopefully he accepts those changes and grows form it but ehhhh jets my stubborn boy so we’ll see lol.
Milky milk milk I adore you. Thank you for this wonderful ask & sorry I used it to rant a but. I love reading your thoughts you are adorable :) I hope you enjoy the next chapter too lol. We get some fun moments (& Zuko imploding & exploding a bit haha)
#zukos stressed#which is understandable#& he is finally at the point where he is lashing out lol#put him and katara in a room together and only one person is coming out of there haha#not to mention the family dinner hahaha#it’s going to be a Jee pov so just#WOW get ready for that hahaha#such snarky judgement#gotta adore my logical but also extremely emotional jee#& Zuko and Sokka in the same room conscious with an audience for the first time hahahahaha#oh gosh#so much drama I hate them#jk I love them#alright milky I’ve talked enough#they’re playing the music I gotta get off the stage#lovvveeeee youuuu#liab#ITF#Garfieldsmilk#ask
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Sleepless Nights
Axel- 18 Months
Gabriel- N/A
Matteo- N/A
Isla- N/A
Side Notes:
Squad don't know about yours and Rafael’s relationship yet
You were so tired. Your 18-month baby Axel had been waking up all hours of the night, leaving yourself and your husband running on average two hours of sleep each night for about three and half weeks. It was a Friday morning when you realised six scoops of coffee wouldn't be strong enough for the day as you were utterly exhausted. So you made a rash decision and told your babysitter Lucy before work that Axel wasn't allowed to nap during the day in hopes that he would sleep through the night.
Rafael and yourself were sat in the bullpen listening to Sargent Munch rant about big brother security cameras, too tired to tell him to shut up. When you're tired, you tend to screw up, forget facts, and have your eye off the ball. You could cry with exhaustion. Rafael was utterly different. He was very ill-tempered. Everyone feared Rafael when he was exhausted or sick.
"Rafa, why are you bad-tempered lately?" Olivia asked, lightly running her fingers through your husband's hair.
"I need a new bed, Liv. I havent slept in about a month." Rafael stood up and walked over to the coffee pot and poured two cups of coffee, one for you and one for himself. Rafael placed the cup in front of you. You knew it would be a long day.
6:30 pm
Rafael and yourself arrived home. You put your shoes away and hung your coat and purse. You stored your gun and badge in the hall safe and entered your apartment to find Lucy and Axel. Lucy was wrestling a tired, frustrated Axel out of his clothes for his night bath.
"Hey Lucy, how has today been? Everything been ok?" Lucy gave you a death glare.
" Don't ever make me do that again. He has been awful. He is normally a sweet happy go lucky little boy, and today he was the devil." Lucy was tearing up. You never heard her speak like this, especially not about Axel. She adored him.
"Im sorry, Lucy, but we need him back into a routine. We need to sleep." Lucy gave you a pitying look.
When lucy left, you helped Rafael bathe a sleep-deprived Axel; after you bathed him and dressed him in his PJs, you refused to put him down to sleep until you were ready to go to bed. The next three hours were hell. You and Rafael did everything in your power to keep Axel awake. He screamed through your and Rafael's dinner, so much so that you couldn't hear yourself think.
10 pm
You finally put Axel down for the night. No issues getting him down to sleep, not like previous nights. You prayed to anyone listening for Axel to sleep through, and you and your husband could finally get enough sleep to function. Finally, you head to bed, where Rafael was already asleep.
1 am
You and Rafael woke up to Axel crying loudly. Both you and Rafael groaned.
"I'll go, Carino. Go back to sleep" Rafael got out of bed to soothe his son.
2 am
You woke to Rafael getting back into bed, putting a very awake Axel between you and Rafael.
"Baby, why is Axel in bed with us?" You asked groggily.
"Im done with this cycle Carino, we are going to a doctor tomorrow and getting him back to normal, but for now, he is staying in our bed."
Twenty minutes after Axel was brought to your bed, he was flat out asleep on your sleeping husband's chest. You didn't mind that you would be tired and cranky, but you couldn't help staring at the scene before you; how could you not? It is your entire world.
9 am
You wake to the sunlit streaming into your room. You look to your left to see your husband fast asleep, with Axel lying awake on his chest.
" good morning, sweet boy", you whispered as you pulled Axel over for a cuddle, finally feeling somewhat refreshed. As you pull Axel out of Rafael's grasp, Axel's foot connected with Rafael's groin, causing Rafael to wake up and hunch over in pain.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" Axel half shouted, half scolded out as his pain was evident.
"Im sorry, baby, it was Axel's foot" as the pain dulled into manageable, he came over to you and Axel and cuddled into the both of you.
Later on
You and Rafael sat in the doctor's office, waiting to be seen by Dr Hauts, while Axel played with the building blocks.
"Carino, you don't think anything is wrong with him, do you?" you could tell that Rafael was worried about Axel, that his sleeping pattern was because of an underlying condition or some pain that he couldn't verbally tell you and your husband about. he would never forgive himself if the pair of you have just been dismissing him and putting it down to wanting to be awake constantly.
" I'm not sure, and I hope not. But, I do know one thing. We are strong, and if there is something wrong with Axel, we will work together to get through it and ensure Axel returns to 100% healthy." You look at your husband. He grabs your hand and brings it to his lips, and places a small kiss on the back of it.
"your right Carino, We will get through this together, no matter what."
It turns out Axel is just being awkward and is 100% healthy; Dr Hauts thinks that your son is hitting a fussy stage and will grow out of it soon enough. Although in the meantime, the doctor does recommend shorter naps in the daytime, lavender oil body massage after bath time, A night light projector for the ceiling and a music player that plays soft, soothing tones that will help him drift into a blissful long sleep. Right away, you order the items from amazon on next-day delivery and follow the doctor's instructions on the naps.
You put Axel down for 7:30 pm after his body massage with his new lavender oil; Rafael insisted that you buy the best, as he didn't want his son to have an allergic reaction to the oil, and when the oil arrived, he tried it for the rest of the day on his arm just to be on the safe side. You were surprised when Axel cried awake,
"Carino, it is your turn," Rafael mumbled and moved to his back, allowing himself to wake up. You get up and head to the nursery to pick Axel up. You looked at the clock in the hallway, and it marked 6:45 am. You smiled, knowing you could finally get back to normal.
#rafael barba#rafael barba fanfiction#rafael barba fic#rafael barba imagine#rafael barba x reader#rafa#rafael barba fluff#fluff#barba#barba x reader#x reader#reader#Raul Esparza#rafael barba x you#law and order svu#law and order special victims unit#law and order fic#svu imagines#svu#SVU fanfiction#l&o: svu#SVU FANDOM
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Some stoned live-blogging because it’s Saturday and this is trauma Only Friends Day
Yo telling Sand she’s used to people only wanting her body or money - SOUND LIKE ANYONE?
Okay, Mew I have been so understanding of all the shit you’ve pulled. I get it, you want revenge and I am all for that, but it’s went too long and too far now. Top doesn’t deserve this.
Nick deserves to be happy and do what he wants, but Dan deserves to know that there’s someone else in the picture.
Oh gosh I love Sand’s mum. The fact that she sees Ray and her first instinct is SING FOR ME - I mean, I’d be the same.
OMG YOU CANT JUST THROW WATERY EYED FIRST KANAPHAN ON THE SCREEN WITHOUT GIVING ME WARNING. I ALMOST SCREAMED.
IS HE GOING TO TELL HIS DAD WHO HE IS?!
OH RAY BABY I CANT HANDLE YOUR FUCKING FACE I JUST WANT TO SMOOSH IT SO BAD ITS SO SQUISHY
NO KHAO YOU CAN NOT QUIVER YOUR LIP LIKE THAT AND EXPECT ME TO JUST SURVIVE?!
OMG THATS A REAL BRUISE FROM THE LOCKERS ISNT IT?!
I kinda feel a little bad for Mew because he’s so easy to manipulate. He thinks he can control situations but he really can’t. He’s the kid that thinks he’s the leader and everyone just plays along because they don’t wanna hurt his feelings.
Ugh Boeing I hate you so much but I still want to sit on your face. At least it’ll shut you up.
Oh, okay, Mew might actually have had a handle on the situation with Boeing?
WAIT HOW AM I ONLY ON PART TWO?!
The way Nick speaks to Ton when they get to the bar, like he still doesn’t understand that Ton actually only wants him 😭
Now let’s go run Atom over with a truck!! No? Pfft. Fine.
Ooh Nicky Baby, are we hatching a plan? Are we getting revenge on Atom? FUCK HIM UP BABY BOY!
OMG WHY DID WE NOT GET A LIVE SOUG REACTION OF BOSTON WHEN NICK KISSED ATOM? (Also Nick is totally using this to get a little revenge on Boston and I am fucking LIVING FOR IT)
Atom better tell everyone the truth now and Cheum better apologise to Boston.
OH GOSH SOMEONE GIVE ME A FIRSTKHAOTUNG SERIES WITH A KID. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED GIVE THEM A CHILD
Gosh I love Top. Get some digs in before you reconcile.
SAND IS WEARING A NO DOUBT SHIRT
THIS IS POETIC
If Mew’s moms know what Top did they are super chill about it. My parents would be trying to kill my exes for raising their voice to me never mind cheating XD
Listen Force is another one that destroys me when he cries. There’s something about it.
Gosh is it really that fast getting a passport in Thailand?! It took me months in the U.K.!!
RAY JUST CALLED SAND HIS BOYFRIEND FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I AM SOBBING WITH EMOTION
OMG SO RAY SINGING IN THE STORE JUST KILLED ME
REMINDED ME OF THE TIME MY WEE BROTHER COULD STILL HIT HIGH NOTES AND WALKED THOUGH A STORE SINGING THE SNOWMAN
Fucking hell Ray is the cutest wee bean
But did he have to word it like “oh the ex that dumped you for Top” so casually XD Sand’s face XD
OKAY ATOM OWN UP TO CHEUM THAT YOU LIED YOU LITTLE PRICK
good boy
I still don’t like Cheum.
Nicky, if I knew you I’d wanna take pictures of your beautiful face every day too
Oh gosh I know it’s because I’m invested but I want Boston and Nick to be official boyfriends. I’m sorry Dan I bet you’re a great guy but you were just a side quest
UHM CAN SOMEONE FIND ME A BOYFRIEND TO BUY ME GUITARS? LIKE, IS THAT A STRAT? Even if it’s a strat copy, that’s still an expensive gift.
I wonder if behind the scenes Khaotung was like THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TUNE A GUITAR
Listen, I know people are gonna be mad that Sand looked a bit :/ when Ray said to Boeing about them being boyfriends, but I know how awkward that situation is when an ex shows up and you kinda don’t wanna say you’re with someone else but not because of any reason other than you’re uncomfortable. That make sense? Regardless, FUCK YOU BOEING.
oh Ray, that face. He wants to fuck up Boeing and I support it.
Boeing isn’t happy if he isn’t fucking up someone’s relationship, is he?
Sand is wearing a Pink Floyd shirt and all I can think of is The Wall and now I’m like SYMBOLISM.
Sand, baby. I know it’s hard to say no and set boundaries in this situation, I have been there, I have made the mistakes and I understand but it is making me so uncomfortable to watch. Everywhere I feel like this show is calling me out on my youth and this week is no different. I keep cringing because Sand won’t just SAY IT STRAIGHT but I know what that’s like when you don’t want to say yes or no.
Okay like he tried to set a boundary, he said they could be friends and nothing else but he isn’t exactly pushing Boe away and *screams into the void*
FOR FUCK SAKE RAY ARE YOU REALLY DETERMINED TO HAVE THIS THREESOME?
I know it’s a way to try and force Sand to pick him but Boeing is gonna be trying to fuck all of you. And hide any plants because he’ll be after them too.
OH NO BOE IN THE WATER LOOKS TOO GOOD
WAIT IS THIS GOING TO BE A THREESOME?! THEYRE ALL GONNA GET NEKKID?!
aw they aren’t getting nekkid
Where is this pool thing going
THEY DID NOT JUST END THERE
okay I know there won’t be a threesome, but Ooft.
Next week looks like it might kill me
OH AYE NEXT WEEK IS THE FINAL EPISODE AND ITS ALSO MY BIRTHDAY SO IF I DONT GET A HAPPY ENDING THEN IM GONNA HAVE TO YELL AT P’JOJO
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My experience meeting lovejoy (April 5th 2023)
IT. WAS. FANTASTIC!
NOW, before you think this whole experience was all sunshine and rainbows, well it wasnt.. sorta just let me get explaining
I arrived to warsaw around 2pm, with me and my mum struggling to get to our hotel, we finally got in and got ready for us to eat at this one restruant which had some of the best kompot (which is like a polish drink with fruit and stuff) that i have ever tasted. then i got dressed and we went to the venue
and now, i dont know much about the whole waiting line situation with people having panic attacks and struggles to breathe (even a person broke their ribcage through there), but nontheless, i found my 2 friends i was planning to spend the night screaming our heads off to, and already i was screaming my head off
i saw joe, zoe, leandra, dave and david walk past, i was screaming so loudly to the point leandra waved at me which was a joy for me already, and then ash kabosu, i repeat THE ASH KABOSU, walked past and i did the same, and it worked he waved at me back, it was so fucking amazing but now heres the big part
i saw mark boardman, no joke. So i saw him walk past and my friends kept repeating that its just a random guy just to try and stop me from going crazy fangirl mode and sprinting here (spoiler alert, i did) and i got to give him a present i made for each of the 4 main band members and his reaction just made my day so much better, he was so happy to get it and i was happy to see him happy
heres the photo i took of me and mark together, i blurred my face because i dont wanna reveal my face here just yet, but after this photo was taken, i told him “your the sunshine, king!” i was trying to compliment/hype him up somesort, and his reaction was so cute, he like pouted and putted his hands to his heart, it just made me so happy
we kept waiting in line, until i saw leandra again with some random guy (possibly their manager), which i started screaming leandras name and she saw me and touched my hand, let me tell you.. i was speechless. from leandra noticing me on tiktok a couple of times to her seeing me in person, i was just jawdropped frozen
through the line me and my 2 friends joked around, got lovejoy stickers and signed our names to this one book with all the fan’s names on it
and then we got in, i was lost so i couldnt find my 2 friends but i did at the end, which is great and then.. it was time for the show.
ZWIDY : Okay, i dont listen to them much but they putted on a show, i was screaming so loud and i just had to much fun, everyone was waving their arms at some songs and it was just hella fun to be at
HONEYMOAN : Honeymoan on the other hand? OHHH BOY! They were killing it, i loved allisons energy, i also dont listen to honeymoan much but they were making me dance like i was the main character, and thanks to “too much”, its honestly my favourite song right now.
And now.. the moment i been waiting for
LOVEJOY : I was screaming my ass off, i was finally waiting after 2 years to see them live and it was like a reward for all the shit i went through and now im here, in poland, screaming to lovejoy’s music but then
Disaster struck : during perfume, i began to feel more and more dizzy, almost like i was going to puke, so i told my mum and we went straight to the merch store area, my mom was fanning me and i was drinking water that she brought me, i was also close to tears because i felt like i dissapointed the band by not being there because of me feeling ill and weak, so my mum got the organizer of the concert to give the rest of the gifts to the members after the show (sadly not taking the ones i made for the trumpeters)
After i got out of the venue, i was breaking down in tears, at that point i feel like i fully dissapointed the band that i couldnt be there for the entire gig, but atleast im seeing them in 2 and a half months from now at the open’er festival, so it wont be that bad right?
but still, i still kinda feel guilty i had to leave the venue because it was a concert i been waiting for 2 years and it all went wrong when lovejoy came on, but i met some cool people and i had a lot of fun, so that matters mostly.
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i have mixed feelings about the fact that they left brettsey open-ended and just them in general after the finale that i finally can somewhat put into words so pls enjoy reading my anger <3
after watching the scene over and over again, i came to conclusion that they didn’t break up but just didn’t know where they stand (well that’s how i’m understanding it). no doubt these two love each other but honestly i get it, long distance is so fucking hard. you’re not seeing the person you love everyday. i think it was heartbreaking hearing matt say he wishes sylvie could stay in portland forever, with him (i cried lmao). he genuinely wants sylvie to be there with him and idk i feel like deep deep down sylvie wants that but like she said, her family is 51, her life and work is in chicago (i will get to this below because im so annoyed at the writers lol). you’re 2000 miles away from the person you love. you’ve been pining over each other for three years and suddenly one of them has to leave. but i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again, i still truly believe that if anyone can do long distance, it’s matt and sylvie and i’ll forever keep saying it.
aside from that, my issue is with the writers and the writers ONLY. matt literally said in s7 he’s a chicago guy and basically he’s forever going to be a chicago guy. did they forget that? i’m sorry but i did not like the fact that he’s basically saying he found a life in portland and he’s happy yada yada yada. it was completely ooc for me and i just don’t have any words. his family is literally 2000 miles away...there is no one in portland, aside from the boys, that he considers family (like yeah he could have friends or wtv). also, i did not like the way matt reacted when hermann asked when is he coming back (and pls don’t come at me saying it’s probably nothing of whatever, this is how i’m seeing it 💀). i get it, matt is there for three years, he needs to actually settle down temporarily or whatever but idk the way they made it seem like he’s perfect in portland makes no sense to me. it’s as if the writers completely forgot he said he’s a chicago guy (which they didn’t because derek literally mentioned it in the muam interview lol, it’s just…bad writing.) also i still don’t understand what that look between the two of them when matt was hugging violet was. made no fucking sense whatsoever, like his smile literally dropped. i’m convinced that either there are scenes missing in between or it’s just weird ass writing once again. what was the point in matt saying i dont know?? like okay, i get it you cant tell but he didnt even bother reassuring her like he did in 10x05 (someone else mentioned this in my gifset as well). did the writers completely just forget everything that was said between them in the 200th episode? it's like we're back to 9x02 when matt said i dont know, like don't piss me off. when sylvie said its not her life blah blah, i almost think i threw my laptop out the window...everything that happened in s9, everything they've said to each other made it seem like they were it for each other, basically they cant be without each other etc etc, like miss me with that bullshit. haas and co. seriously forgot every single shit that happened between these two characters and are throwing unnecessary angst at them. like okay i get her family and work is in chicago no doubt, but when she said her life..i found it ooc and ill forever hate the writers for it for the rest of my life.
this 55 second scene (i waited seven months for them to have a fifty fucking five seconds conversation lmfao) will annoy me for the rest of my life because of how stupid and angst hungry these writers are. i do not know what haas has planned for brettsey. i don't know whether or not they just left brettsey opened ended because they were gonna use hiatus to figure out whats going to happen. i dont know if theyre just gonna have them break up off camera and have sylvie mention that they did. i did not know there was a text limit so i will end it here but i am the number one derek haas anti <3 thank u for coming to my ted talk
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the heart wants what it wants
When peter got that e-mail saying he was invited to an engagement party, he didn’t imagine it would be from the man he’s been having an affair for 5 months.
yayy! i finally translated a second fic i wrote like two years ago djkdkdk its a short one, around 10k but im glad im finally done translating it 😋 i hope yall will enjoyyy
Peter has been staring at Tony and Pepper for almost 15 minutes now. He’s been there for… 15 minutes and he’s already asking himself why the fuck did he come. Tony and Pepper invited him. Of fucking course Pepper was gonna invite him but Tony… Tony should have pretexted something. Anything. He could have told Pepper that the boy had a school trip this week, or any damn lie he could have found. But no, and instead, the billionaire sent him an invitation to their engagement party through mail, saying that’d make him happy to see Peter there. Happy. What in the world would make Tony happy about Peter being there ? In 15 minutes, Peter just got Tony waving at him with his glass of champagne when he got there. And nothing more. Did he even think about Peter ? Did he even told himself, even once, that the boy would feel so freaking broken ?
So Peter’s just there, staring at Tony who’s talking with his fiancee. Those words echo in his head and crush his poor heart. His fiancee. The worst thing about all of this is that Peter learned it in that damn mail. Tony didn’t even had the courage to tell him face to face. So the boy came, but he already knows he’s not gonna stay.
His eyes are tied up to the man. And even if he’s mad at him, even if he’s completely crushed, he can’t help his breath stoppping while looking at Tony. He’s just so gorgeous… And it’s not fair. Because he’s sure that Pepper doesn’t love him as much as Peter does. Tony and him… He doesn’t know what they are, but they are something. And he knew Tony would do anything to deny it, to prove Peter nothing will ever really happen anymore, but he didn’t think the man would go this far, that he would marry Pepper…
Peter’s heart skips a beat when he sees the blonde woman pointing him to Tony. Shit. They’re coming here.
Pepper looks happy, Tony looks stranded and Peter just wanna run away. ”Peter, hi!”, Pepper says as Peter tries not to wince too much.
“Hi, Ms. Potts, Mr. Stark.”, he answers, being very careful not to call Pepper Ms. Stark.
“Kid.”, Tony greats him, avoiding directly looking at him. Kid. Peter wishes Tony would choke on that nickname.
“How are you ?”, the blonde woman asks him, a faint motherly smile on her face. Peter would almost feel bad for her. He doesn’t deserve this, but neither does she. But… It’s still her the lucky one tho get Tony Stark at the end of the day.
“Im fine, thanks. What about you ? Are you two excited ?”, the boy asks. Pepper answers but Peter isn’t listening because Tony is finally looking at him. And Peter looses himself in those gorgeous eyes. Peter always loses himself in those gorgeous eyes. “Did Tony help you with the dress part ?”
Peter’s head turns to the blonde woman again. She’s pretty. He must look like nothing compared to her… His eyebrows frown when Pepper’s question finally echoes in his head. “Uh no. It was Ben’s…”
In mirror with Pepper, he turns his head towards the billionaire. “Didn’t you tell me you were taking care of that part ?”, she asks and Peter sees Tony sighing and closing his eyes. Tony has been avoiding him for almost two months now. It’s surely not him who would have helped him choosing a suit for tonight.
“Yup, I did but wearing his uncle’s was more symbolic, right Pete ?”, Tony says with a serene smile. Peter asks himself how the man can lie like that. And more importantly, how can he sleep at nights. He isn’t even looking at the boy, he’s so already sure that Peter is gonna walk in his lie. But Peter’s hurt that Tony didn’t help him. He’s hurt that Tony has been ignoring him for way too long because he wasn’t able to face him. And he’s crushed by the fact the man is marrying Pepper.
“Actually, I don’t really remember you offering your help on this one, Sir.”, he answers, a bit insolent. Tony’s eyes lock hardly on him. Pepper stares at him, then stares Peter and sighs. “Im sorry, he was supposed to. But you wear that one perfectly well, Peter. Im sure your uncle’d think so too.”, she apologizes, putting her hand on Tony’s waist. Peter’s eyes follow the blonde’s hand and chokes.
“That’s… That’s okay, Im happy to wear Ben’s suit. Especially for an event like this. I guess that’s not every day that Tony Stark and Pepper Potts get engaged, right ?”, he chuckles with a fake smile. He’s doing too much. But maybe doing too much is better than letting the two of them see how he really feels.
“Uh Pep, I forgot to tell you, but that hot redhair one were looking for you.”, Tony finally informs and Peter’s heart skips a beat. He knew that was coming.
“Oh okay. You sure you alright, you seem tense ?”
Peter wants to laugh. This whole situation is so fucked up. Tony nods and pretexts something about being tired from having worked too late in the lab yesterday night. Sure.
Pepper looks at him, not surprised but a bit annoyed. “Of course you were, where else.”, she grumbles, probably more for herself than for Tony. “Gonna search for Rose. See you two later.”, she adds before getting away. Peter pretends to look at her leaving, cause he knows Tony’s eyes are on him again.
“Can we have a word, please ?”, Tony asks. asks… as if Peter could refuse.
“Oh so now you’re talking to me again ?”, the boy bites and he wished he sounded more angry and less hurt.
“Peter…”, Tony whispers and Peter sighs in defeat. He really doesn’t have a choice anyway. “What you wanna talk about, Sir ?”
“Not here, just follow me okay ?” Peter follows Tony god-only-knows-where. He can already picture his heart being crushed in million pieces at the end of that party.
continue to ao3
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Are you a wizard, Kai? Because I have about 6 weeks worth of asks screaming about my hatred for Gojo and with a few fucking paragraphs, I'm like "oh no I feel bad for him"...what is this dark magic you possess?! I mean, I still think he's scum but I feel bad for him. But I'm also still wondering why the fuck Gojo did it in the first place, the dumb paintbrush looking stick figure?!
But I've had some time to digest this chapter and....well let's just dive in, shall we?
First off, ok he did break up with Rie face to face and told her everything which is good. (My last ask I said I didn't believe him, but he actually did it) However, Rie, seriously go fuck yourself. You haven't stopped crying since like chapter one and I'm sick of it. It was 2 months; you and Gojo broke up a 5 year, very serious relationship, so fuck off with the waterworks. You got what you deserved and maybe now you'll use your brain when getting into a relationship. Please go away to the land of forgotten uwu girls and never disgrace us with your presence again. (please tell me she's gone for good)🙏🙏🙏
Second, (not to gloss over the adorableness that is Sugaruyn) but the scream I let out when the Dilf (who is not a dad, but he's sure as hell a daddy) himself, Nanami, made an appearance. Omg I'm pretty sure I woke up my neighbors. Eh, I'll buy them donuts in the morning then tell them to read the series so they'll be fine. 🤷
(Also, fuck y/n's mom. You're a terrible mother and I hope your company goes bankrupt, your pillows are always warm, and you somehow always step on a Lego barefoot)
Third, *insert evil laugh here* how does it fucking feel Gojo to see y/n move on without you? My, my, my, how the turntables. Just take several seats and watch your life fall apart buddy boy, because you sure as shit didn't give a fuck about y/n's feelings when you were living your high school dream. It was setting up to be an amazing moment between y/n and Sugaru, but I'm starting to think there's nothing there but friendship. Just very amazing, deep friendship and honestly, that's ok. Platonic soulmates are real and they're wonderful.
And finally, I honestly was thinking Rie was pregnant and I was waiting for that shoe to drop because that would have been the absolute final nail in the coffin that is y/n and Gojo's relationship (she still could be, we've got 2 more chapters after this) but you went and pulled a Sixth Sense level twist with that ending. I didn't see that coming until y/n mentioned being tired and nauseous. If she really is pregnant, this will define everything. My heart is racing and I'm pacing the floor, frantically willing a happy ending, whatever that may be. As long as y/n is happy.
But seriously, are you a wizard, Kai?! Much love to you again! Hope you have an amazing weekend and week!! Hugs, kisses, flowers, and coffee!!
PLSSSS i love that emotional twirling gif LMAOO omg yeahhh about rie's tears, i actually hate it when the person who messed up is the one who cries. i definitely get why it pisses u guys off. but it always happens irl. i think its like a way for them to get some sympathy, to look pitful bc they know it in themselves that they messed up, & it's really annoying!!!!!. and NANAMI, ah i wanted to write more about him😭next chapter there'll be more of him !! he's friends with yn~ i wish im your neighbor tho. i love donuts😭hksdjk. as for yn's mom. she can get worse, really :(( and satoru might have to see more suguyn next chapter :')) anywayyy thank youu so much for this and for the support <33 please have an amazing weekend as well and take careee, mwaah~
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Big Pozt Of my zaved nozleep ztoriez
warning i havent reread theze and dont remember all of them and conzidering my tazte itz zafe to azzume they are all very fucked up
Cackling Grackles
The Artist
The Pancake Family
Gurgles & Bugman
Has anyone heard of the Left/Right Game?
Stuck
Ellie Bakerfield disappeared thirty years ago
My next-door neighbor was really loud
Deck the halls... if you dare
I've done terrible things to my son
It all started when I realized my iPhone was self-lubricating.
I was a boogeyman for 12 years. Yesterday the kid I was supposed to haunt finally saved me
When I was a little girl I had a phantom arm -- along with two real ones.
The Bell in the Woods
I'm the Only Woman at My IT Job and Now I Know Why
I killed all of my colleagues, and I'll never get caught. This is my confession.
I Was Dead for Six Minutes and Saw Heaven. I Would Rather Go To Hell. Part 1
Come to Daddy
Jogging in the Park is My Excuse to Look At All The Little Girls (thiz one iz not abt being a pedophile /g)
An old friend's been emailing me about a strange, secret website
The Broken Man
The Sun's Not Coming Up
For nearly 10 years my Secret Santa remained anonymous, but now I know the truth. - December 17
The Sisters of House Omega
I have an unusual job. The pay is good, but I really hate the moaning sounds that go with it.
Because You Are My Baby
My daughter was a monster
Better
The Puppet in the Tree
I work security at Disney World... well, I mean I did.
Matchsticks and Cigarettes
The same hitchhiker was waiting at every stop for the last 100 miles
My House Smells Like Shit And Brimestone. Thanks, Roomba.
My four year old never wants to sleep anymore. I need advice
I Bought The House I Died In As A Child
The Last Bus
Oh Sweetheart
I knew a woman who never took off her wedding dress
Maria on the Moon
Someone keeps leaving gifts at my doorstep, and the names of people they want dead
She's a Keeper
The Walls Sweat
I was adopted into a rich family and my new mother is a doll
I just graduated from medical school, and my new hospital has some very strange rules
This is not a suicide note!
Mommy Sleeps in The Basement
There's Something Beyond VantaBlack
Project Entryway
Feed the Pig
There's Something Wrong With Dad
Room 733
Rocking Horse Creek
The Pocket Watch
The Disappearance of Ashley Morgan
The Lost Town of Deepwood, Pennsylvania
July 10th, 1982
Aiden's Spot
Here comes the child bride
The local children think I'm a witch
Life’s tough when your best friend is a serial killer.
Down in the Library Basement
The Farm for Bad Animals
The Judge
Every Halloween, I have a story to tell...
Hell's Mortician
Ghost Repellent
My Best Friend Was a Mermaid
I'm the "Administrator" of the Numbers Station UVB-76 a.k.a "The Buzzer"
Have you ever met a boy named Tan?
The Crone's Wood
I Met a Demon on the Tokyo Subway
The Hello Game
If You See Particularly Clear Water at the Beach in Florida, Do Not Go Swimming.
The Last Time I Picked Up My Son
Ever See An Amber Alert You Were Responsible For?
Arranged Marriage
Everybody has a Demon
Teratophobia
There's a Monster Under My Bed
There's a Man Outside My Window
I remember the first time I helped kill my sister.
How to survive camping
The Salt Witch
The worst part about caring for my grandfather with dementia can be hearing the things he confesses to
Down the Drain
The world ended on January 1st, 2022
Dad shut himself inside his bunker at the start of the pandemic. Three months ago, we lost contact with him.
The Swan
if one of theze zoundz interezting but you have triggerz youd want to be warned for firzt feel free to zend me a dm or azk im happy to check ztuff (anon azkz are on)
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hiiii today's reminder is all three of the nct units coming back within the next two months, and the new unit might be debuting soon, and I'm having a hard time being excited for any of it
127, i just want them to take a nap. esp with the J line being injured enough to cancel smtown recordings, i would feel super weird enjoying a new song knowing that it was prepared in between nonstop concerts while three members were hurt. plus i REALLY don't want a 2 baddies part 2, i still don't understand why that song happened
wayv, they seem straight-up cursed at this point. I'm not gonna believe there's an album until the album is actually out. plus part of me is braced for the possibility of a rehashing of the incident from last year that we don't speak about, or at the very least knowing a lot of the discussion about this comeback will be centred around that, which I'm really not looking forward to
dream… i feel like every time i hear about them outside of teasers, it's just another case of them "playfully" making fun of Haechan, especially Jeno and Jisung, to the point where i just… dislike them, as people. i get that they were raised with the expectation that they'll be famous in a society that places a lot of weight on this shit, and I'm sure that's fucked with their heads a lot, but that's no excuse for grown ass adults not to have basic decency yk? it's turning me off the group, even though i love the rest of them. well, most of them, Jaemin and Chenle also give me those vibes, though i don't remember if they've ever explicitly said anything like that on camera
so… idk it's weird. I've spent more than two years with nct being my main hobby (idk if that word applies but it's the only one i could think of), and now it all feels a bit icky. I'm just holding on because i think new wayv content will bring me back to them
Hiii! And first of all I feel exactly the same way about everything that you've said. Every single word of it. Like 127 has been touring nonstop and are about to go out again plus a repackaged album after three members being injured. Like it's the kpop industry Skz is also extremely overworked. But like imagine the overall well being of them if they just released one album a year with multiple music videos, promote for like a month and one full and complete tour then, then they rest for at least 5 to 6 months. Or do their own obligations to brands and stuff. I know it's nothing like western pop music cause they run off of high engagement but it's just such a ridiculous system that is doing nothing but harm. They need rest. Sleep, and FOOD!! They're overworking on extreme diets. Like something has to give before it breaks
Then we have the complete opposite with Wayv where it's been two years since an album and despite there being a rightful reason for the delay right now. it's just so unfortunate that they're not getting to do anything. And I think we all know why wayv's comeback has been put on the back burner till now. I'm happy they had a break and they've been just having fun. But you see it in them they want to work, they're so excited for this album. Which I'm buying the moment it's released. But I just want everyone to focus on the boys for their comeback and not the situation around them. I'm sure it's been harder on every single member of Wayv then it is for us and we just gotta keep it a joyous occasion when it finally happens.
And yeahhh, like before I get to how I feel I just want to say before anyone says its part of their culture. Being Fatphobic and Colorist are bad things!!! It's a toxic part of most cultures! Colorism runs rampant in every single non white culture. And it's fucking bad! As a black person I can acknowledge the colorism in my culture is bullshit. And I have never thought that shit was funny. Im always disgusted seeing how dark skin women are treated. And don't get me started on fatphobia. I just want to know why we don't expect grown ass men who have access to the internet and global knowledge to go against societal norms like most of the Younger generations all over. Like why can't we expect better from them. Like Jeno saying why does Haechan have so much flesh after Haechan complimented his muscles like thats a strike. But when he said Haechan fits black panther..........my eye is twitching. And Jisung also always saying something. Sure we don't know they're dynamic. But Jisung was saying do you think Haechan will ever get paler alone out with Chenle. Like that's just not a joke like that shit effects Haechan who is gorgeous and perfect and beautiful. And I remember Haechan wanting a regular coke and Renjun insisting he get diet coke that rubbed me the wrong way for awhile. If my friends joked with me like that uh we're not friends anymore. Like it's toxic behavior like. It's bad no excuses. It's just bad. It's not okay to joke about esp in public spaces do they not understand their words effect Haechan and fans bigger and darker than Haechan. I think I have the most hope in Jaemin cause I just get that from him. Luckily I am a grown ass woman and it doesn't effect me the way it did when I was 16 and 17. It's why I took a break around 19, like kpop really fucked up my self esteem that I had just acquired. I totally feel you. Sidenote the skz thing with Changbin isn't apart of this. Felix and Chan were obviously talking about Changbin's muscles, he's a little beef cake they've both expressed envy of his physique. So Chan and Felix are cool.
I really don't want a 2 baddies part 2 either. Love 127 but thats one 127 song I can't defend. But when Wayv blesses us with their talent and beauty it'll be the best day.
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i think this world just plays sick jokes with me. i really dont think i will be able to survive if ill continue to live like this. its not that bad i mean i have water, food, house, im studying. its just that i know what i could have. its unfair. i cant believe how unfair this world is. i know some people struggle much more but tbh i cant give a shit ab other people right now. my mental health was awful even before going to this country but right now i just cant believe how awful this all idea with abroad education could be. i had so much hope of going to see my family this summer, to see my cat, my friends, my friends who are able to come to my country only this summer. i just want to be a kid again. i just want to be free again. i just want to be happy again. im tired of all of this im tired so so so much. i have my finals soon. i guess i wont be able to even smile at that period. i miss my previous life. i never thought this all could become like this, my mind is going crazy too. my dad had ocd and it inherited to me ig so i always struggled with anxiety. now my mind tries to explain everythhing that happens to me with some logic or pattern and it feels like im going crazy. i pray every night even tho i dont believe in god. its just my mind trying to tell me that this world can not be that cruel and 100% there is some explanation to what is happening to me. i remember last time i experienced something like this when i was 15 and war only started and i would sit all day in my phone constantly and i cried a lot. i hated my life there bc i didnt do anything except sitting in the phone all time and i lived like this for 2 month i believe? i guess the situation rn is not that bad. i play games with my friends, i have money and tasty food and i dont feel like a failure like i lfelt back there. it just for some reason when things start to get a tiny little bit better to me for some reason everything is ruining and things get so bad that i literraly want to kill myself. i may be too confidant saying this but i believe that if i get some more pressure on my life i will do it. i just cant keep living like this. i met a boy recently and everything was so good. it was one of little to no good moments i experienced here. then he started ignoring me. i have an awful self esteem, i never had a bf or been ignored by guys. i guess i see myself as absolute trash ugly cow and then for some reason be surprised seeing boys not paying me that much attention. then i got a letter that i need to do my biometrics. basically it means that i cant go home anymore. fuck there is car in front of my house i swear to god is this is my roommate i would believe that god is real and he is a fucking satan. i want to pee really bad too and my other roommate washing rn. with her bestfriend waiting for her in her room. i want friends too. she is listening to some pop music. i hate americans i wish they all could die. why some peopel experience what i experience and some of them live like this. i will never believe that she had troubles at least as bad as i had. i know it sounds like im some kind of a slave and pity myself but this is true. and i pity myself. i guess its normal to pity myself when the whole world is just fucking ur ass like a monster. anyways, i cant go back to my country(my only chanse of being happy in this year and the reason why i keep wking up), i hate myself, i hate my appearence, i hate all people around me, im jealous of all of them even when its something small, im failing all of my classes, i dont have friends, the only boy i thopught i was good enough for and we had a good time and i genuanly liked him just ignored me and i decided to give him another chance and we are supposed to meet tomorrow but he said he will tell me when yesterday at the evening or today in the morning and he didnt tell me anything so i guess i lost him too, i have severe anxiety, i have money anxiety?, i dont know english and every time i speak with someone i feel so embarresed bc i always thinks i did something wrong or said something so they think
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