#bc i was struggling to get up for my 8 am today
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fwb!tadashi + uni au ⊹ suggestive.
tadashi would often stay the night, getting far too comfortable in your bed and a bit too lazy to go back to his dorm (tsukki would probably still be awake, hunched over his desk doing his work). but that also meant that he had the responsibility of waking you up the next morning for your 8 am lecture.
the peppy tune of his alarm easily brings him out of his sleepy state, and as he rubs at his eyes after hastily turning it off, tadashi remembers that he's in your bed — the twin XL that's just too small for the both of you. your body is pressed against the pillows he put along the wall alongside your bed (he always sleeps on the other side so you don't fall off, even if it means that he's partially dangling off the side). he taps your shoulder once, then twice when you don't give him even an ounce of attention or an indication that you're somewhat conscious.
"psst, wake up," he whispers close to your ear, the sleepiness in his voice still apparent. it's lower than usual, a bit gravelly, but the gentleness remains.
you swat him away, pushing his cheek away with a crinkle between your brows.
you wouldn't be so tired if tadashi let you sleep early last night. he knew you had an 8 am the next morning, yet he still texted you asking if you'd be okay with him coming over. he's stressed, he told you last night, and he just needs to be with you. nonetheless, the stress left his body with every kiss to his collarbones, with every breath you took with your bare chest against his.
"hey, we gotta leave in 40 minutes, come on," he shakes your shoulder this time.
"noooo," you whine, and he laughs at your puffed up cheeks.
"i'll get you coffee from the dining hall while you get ready, let's go," he slides out of bed, slipping his dark grey t-shirt over his head. his hair's a mess — his hair tie long gone, the wispy strands sticking up in every direction possible.
"i don't want coffee."
"that's new," he scratches the back of his neck. "what can i do to get you out of bed? you know you can't miss this class."
"should've planned it out before you begged for some 'stress relief' last night," your eyes are still closed, but you're wide awake, soaking in the rays of sun coming through the blinds.
"i won't do it again, i swear!"
"mhm."
he climbs into bed again, aligning his chest with your back. his hand makes its way up your shirt, laying across your warm skin. "if i stay here with you for 2 minutes, can i drag you out of bed?"
you pretend to think, humming a little "hmm." and when you nod, he only snuggles closer.
and those 2 minutes are pure bliss.
tadashi's fingers rub against the skin of your stomach. he toys with the fabric of your shirt, twisting it between his fingers. warmth radiates from his chest as if he's the sun, but his breathing is cool, calming like the moon.
"are you ready to get up now?" his voice gets muffled by the fact that his face is deep in the crook of your neck. the sound of his gentle kisses fills the room, similar to last night's melody, but a bit softer this time. and once again, you nod, letting him hold you up against his chest.
perhaps being woken up this way (with a certain someone's limbs poking into yours, his drool making its way onto your pillows) isn't too bad. and tadashi makes it up to you like he always does — he beams with a pastry in one hand, using his other to pinch your cheek before sending you off into the lecture hall.
#i haven't written in forever#but take this#bc i was struggling to get up for my 8 am today#sayu.writes#yamaguchi x reader#yamaguchi fluff#yamaguchi tadashi#haikyuu x reader#haikyu x reader#hq x reader
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I can’t breathe normal I can’t swallow normal I can’t let my phlegm do it’s thing I’m fixated I do this thing where I’m checking over these 3 things on a continued cycle day in and out and in and out and in and out and I can’t breathe I can’t think I can’t swallow my phlegm production is too little or too much or too thick or too thin and nothing is right and everything hurts and makes me panic and I’m just
I have no life outside this
#I was stuck at the house for 8 years bc my ocd around these things was so bad I got super bad agoraphobia#bc the wind is a contribution to how your phlegm acts (thick or thin or dry or wet mouth) and it fucked me over#I couldn’t go out for 8 year#s#8 years bro#8 whole years wasted#I was being beaten up by both younger and older siblings and parents and I was getting mocked and I#I was being mocked left and right#oh 25 years old and can’t work and can’t leave the house and in a constant panic like a lil bitch#idk how to live lol#I had a panic attack 2 days ago and I’m still struggling and trying to cope#I haven’t gone out since#I texted and emailed these helplines (not willing to call bc I have dickhead demons for family and they will attack me or say stupid shit I#don’t care to hear)#and today I finally find what my issue is#I overfixate on my bodily functions#to a point where I can’t leave the fkn house in fear of my throat bleeding from how raw I am making it by trying to bring up phlegm and clea#clear my throat#persistently again and again and again#ocd#I hate and lament ever having been born if this was just what I was meant to live with#I wish god would end my life here or just do me a solid and remove all traces of fear from me#I’m tired#I just want an easy solution I’m not interested in living like this I can’t k myself tho unfortunately#anyways
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going to die. what the fuck.
#they have me scheduled tomorrow. to work from 8-4.#i’m already going to be tired since i have a party today from 6-10#having to wake up at 7am is going to kill me.#and if that doesn’t? being on my feet for 8 hours will.#the past two weeks have already been shit.#i’m so burnt out from exams and tests and quizzes and school in general#on top of what happened last week.#and bc of my job my knee pain has increased 10x#i can barely fucking move#it took 20 minutes for me to get out of bed this morning.#my mom sees me struggle to stand up and bend over and just fucking walk#and i’ve told many times that my knees suck ass#and she doesn’t believe me. bc i’m a teenager and teenagers can’t have chronic pain.#i’m trying to get her to make me a doctor’s appointment for my adhd meds#so then maybe#//maybe//#i can bring it up and something can get done about this#i am so fucking sick of being in pain all the time#if something doesn’t get happen i don’t know what i’ll do. because i sure as hell can’t keep living like this#sorry i just had a lot of thoughts.#kay speaks#vent tw#delete later
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ʜᴀʀʀʏ ꜱᴛʏʟᴇꜱ x ᴀꜱᴘɪʀɪɴɢ ꜱɪɴɢᴇʀ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ
faceclaim: Devon Cole
author’s note: I had this idea on a whim (and bc I’m obsessed with her music), and now it’s here. I hope you enjoy this! lindathetree and billtherock are reader’s best friends! Aaaand we’re gonna change his outfit order for NYC. The blue vest set is now NYC I, and the red-striped candy cane jumpsuit is (still) NYC II—I mixed something up and was too lazy to change it lol. Attention: This is… a tad long. And not entirely proofread bc I still struggle with the pain management of my wisdom teeth removal rip
;
yourinstagram I’m still in awe and stare in shameless wonder over this next milestone in my (relatively young and short) career as an artist. This was only possible because of you out there, who always enjoyed my little videos of lyric snippets, always urging me to write full songs and release them as such out into this world.
This is your triumph <3
And a huge thanks to Spotify for making my newest baby a bop!
Liked by lindathetree, yourfan1, blurryh, and 11,970 others | 2,224 comments
yourfan1 Witch deserves even more!!!
yourfan2 I’m 100% one of the 2,179 listeners because I have this masterpiece on repeat 24/7 🥰
lindathetree Yes, hello, it’s what you deserve, baby, had to say this, byyyyyye ❤️
↳ yourinstagram I love you, L 🥺❤️
↳ lindathetree luv yu 2 :*
Spotify It’s a pleasure to be part of your journey!
liked by yourinstagram, lindathetree, yourfan9, and 296 others
billtherock It’s one of your best works, turtle. It’s only natural for it to gain the attention it deserves—AND YOU!
↳ yourinstagram Biiiiiill 🥺
↳ yourfan3 Get yourself friends like Bill and Linda.
liked by lindathetree, billtherock, yourinstagram and 13 others
yourfan4 I discovered you over the for you page on both youtube and tiktok and have followed you ever since, and I am so immensely proud of you, YN. I feel like a very proud big brother right now, and I’m being very emotional over this post 🥺
↳ yourinstagram Oh my, love! Thank you so much. This really means the world to lil’ ol me (and I wouldn’t mind having a proud big brother) ❤️
liked by yourfan4, yourfan2, yourfan8, and 56 others
↳ yourfan4 Anytime, YN 🥰❤️
blurryh so damn proud of you, darling ❤️
liked by yourinstagram, billtherock, and 2 others
↳ yourinstagram ❤️❤️❤️
↳ yourinstagram It wouldn’t have been possible without your constant and loving support and help and reassurance, H <3
liked by blurryh, annetwist, lindathetree, and 2 others
↳ blurryh Bollocks, I was only rooting for you in the back ❤️ You did this perfectly on your own x
liked by yourinstagram and gemmastyles
ynfanpage My phone is so full of screenshots and videos of the beauty and grace, and talent that is YN LN; it should be mandatory for everyone in this world. Seeing her and her songs getting the attention they deserve makes my heart full. Our woman deserves nothing less ❤️
[yourinstagram]
Liked by blurryh, yourfan2, yourfan3, yourinstagram, and 1,329 others | 337 comments
yourfan1 beautifully said!
yourfan2 +1
yourfan3 It was about time. She’s supposed to make BANK with her music because it’s this good.
↳ ynfanpage Totally. But I also don’t wanna see her leave the bookshop she is working at bc it’s my favorite part of the week to chat with her 👉🏻👈🏻
liked by yourinstagram and 10 others
↳ yourfan4 YOU ARE ONE LUCKY HUMAN???
↳ yourfan3 😦😦😦
yourinstagram I’m full-on blushing in the middle of a subway station 🫣
liked by yourfan2, yourfan4, ynfanpage, blurryh, and 121 others
↳ ynfanpage I won’t apologize for that! 🤭
lindathetree You’re not alone 👀😅
liked by ynfanpage, billtherock, and 8 others
usweekly Singer-songwriter Harry Styles was today seen in New York City on a stroll with a young woman, who fans suspect is newcomer singer-songwriter YN LN. Her latest song W.I.T.C.H. hit the 2 million listening mark on Spotify a few weeks ago and was named It’s a Bop on the music streaming service.
Liked by yourfan1, yourfan2, hsfan1, harrystylesfanpage, and 2,439 others | 1,525 comments
yourfan1 😦😍
yourfan2 They know each other???? 🥹
hsfan1 Oh. I didn’t see that one coming
internet_troll Probably using him for fame.
internet_troll2 Not her. She is so untalented 💀
↳ internet_troll3 lol yeah. And she is DEFINITELY using him for fame, that b*tch
liked by harryismyman
hsfan2 I actually like what I see. She is a sweetheart! And their style match perfectly 🤭
↳ yourfan3 She really is! Just as Harry. Match made in heaven? 👀
↳ hsfan3 It seems 👀
internet_troll4 She should keep her hands off him—that’s my man.
↳ hsfan4 pathetic 🙄
hsfan5 I hope she isn’t using him, tho I don’t think she could do that bc she really is lovely.
harrystylesfanpage Uhm… YN is really good??? And the mv to W.I.T.C.H. is really aesthetically appealing? I like what I see (and hear). So, if the rumors are true, could we welcome her with open arms bc I think she is a Harrie on top of being talented af🖖🏽
Liked by hsfan1, hsfan2, yourfan1, ynfanpage, and 328 others | 99 comments
ynfanpage She actually is. She tried to save as much money as possible to go to every show in her area when he toured for the first time solo. And she knows every song by heart 😅
liked by harrystylesfanpage and 20 others
↳ harrystylesfanpage That’s very interesting and good to know 👀
hsfan1 I found her while scrolling through Spotify a few months back, and I’ve been hooked ever since. So yeah, she is absolutely welcome here!
internet_troll1 You need to stop obsessing over this b*tch. She is using him, you blind idiot.
↳ harrystylesforever Just shut up 🙄
hsfan2 I like her. I like how happy Harry looked in those pap pics. So, I want her to be one of us.
billtherock Y’all are late to the party, but the party is still going! Welcome!
liked by harrystylesforever, harrystylesfanpage, yourfan2, and 16 others
yourfan1 People finally see how talented she is!
↳ internet_troll2 Fucking shut up. You can’t see talent even if it’s right under your nose 🤣
↳ yourfan1 And you spent an awful lot of time hating on people publicly even if you state you hate them. Logic? Nowhere to be seen.
liked by harrystylesforever, yourfan2, harrystylesfanpage, and 32 others
hsfan3 We will see if they both say something about the rumors or just laugh about us oblivious idiots xD
↳ hsfan4 Maybe the latter 😂
harrystyles Pretty flower ❤️
Liked by annetwist, gemmastyles, hsfan1, and 2,324,768 others | 429,637 comments
hsfan1 Uhm… 👀
jefezoff HARRY
↳ harrystyles What?
↳ jefezoff … Take a very close look at your IG profile.
↳ harrystyles …Oooops.
liked by hsfan2, hsfan3, yourfan1, and 1,342 others
↳ yourinstagram 💀
liked by jefezoff, harrystyles, yourfan3, and 219 others
internet_troll1 Dear lord, she probably pushed him to post this so she can gain more followers 🤢
internet_troll2 Can’t believe this b*tch is this stupid. She will get so much hate lol 🤣
↳ harrystylesfanpage And from who? You? Nobody cares about you.
liked by gemmastyles, hsfan3, yourfan5, and 430 others
hsfan2 Not sure if that was supposed to land here 😅
↳ yourfan1 Definitely not 🤭
lindathetree That’s my pretty bestie! Told you it would happen eventually, billtherock 😂
↳ billtherock Surprised it didn’t happen anytime sooner
liked by yourfan2, yourfan5, hsfan1, and 46 others
yourinstagram So, the entire world now knows what pictures you have of me.
↳ harrystyles Sorry, love x
↳ yourinstagram Mhm 👀
↳ harrystyles Ice cream to make it up to you? x
↳ yourinstagram You don’t have to make anything up to me, but I could never say No to ice cream 😚
liked by harrystyles, gemmastyles, harrystylesforever, and 100 others
↳ yn_and_harry They are so soft for each other 🥹
↳ harry_and_yn You just CANNOT tell me that they don’t love each other. I saw them strolling through Central Park—if the entire world had seen how Harry looked at her and YN looked at him, nobody would question this relationship 😠❤️
liked by yourinstagram, hsfan4, hsfan6, ynfanpage, and 98 others
hsfan3 Will you be at his NYC shows??? yourinstagram 😍
↳ yourinstagram 100% YES! 🥳
↳ hsfan3 Would it be okay to talk to you if I happened to see you? 👉🏻👈🏻
↳ yourinstagram Of course, lovie 🥺❤️
liked by hsfan3, hsfan1, yourfan2, and 56 others
gemmastyles It’s surprising how long this didn’t happen. Jeff and I had a bet going on; no one wins now.
↳ jefezoff We didn’t have a bet. It was only a conversation about this particular topic.
↳ gemmastyles A conversation doesn’t end with the words “I bet” 😇
liked by annetwist, mitchrowland, harrystyles, and 34 others
yourinstagram Well… Someone 👀 spilled the tea, so: look at my handsome man.
I’ve always been immensely proud of you, but tonight, it’s something else. To see what you’ve achieved over the past years… Mindblowing. I love you to the moon and back, to the depths of the oceans and the wide of the world. Words can’t express my love for you, H. To 14 more incredible nights ❤️
[harrystyles]
Liked by annetwist, jefezoff, hsfan1, yourfan2, and 547,629 others | 99,702 comments
annetwist I love you, my two loves ❤️
↳ yourinstagram ❤️❤️❤️
↳ hsfan1 She has Anne’s blessing—haters can back off. Anne’s blessing is like the verification symbol on IG for this relationship.
liked by hsfan3, hsfan4, yourfan1, and 9 others
jefezoff I’m also very proud of him.
↳ yourinstagram I’m also very proud of YOU.
↳ jefezoff Oh, thank you. Thank you. That’s too kind 😇
↳ yourinstagram Mhm 👀
liked by hsfan4, hsfan1, yourfan8, and 6 others
↳ hsfan1 Jeff, the compliment hogger 😂
hsfan2 According to her post, I don’t believe they’re “new” 👀
↳ hsfan3 Having the same feeling over here 🥹
lindatherock And you didn’t bring me with you, hmpf.
↳ yourinstagram You told me that you had to work!!! I asked you numerous times 👀
↳ billtherock That’s very true, Linda.
↳ lindatherock Still: hmpf.
gemmastyles Where did you venture off now??? 😂
↳ yourinstagram Jeff wanted to show me something—turns out this something was Harry during his break 🤷🏼♀️❤️
↳ gemmastyles I’m gonna wait here for you then 👌🏻
↳ harry_and_yn And another Styles who obviously gave her blessing. Could we please stop giving these two a hard time now? Thank you.
yourfan1 So happy to see you this happy!
gemmastyles He is the happiest with you ❤️
(YN stood right next to me and didn’t do anything except for looking—that’s all it’s needed to make him smile like that. She is a keeper.)
[harrystyles, yourinstagram]
Liked by hsfan1, hsfan2, hsfan3, yourinstagram, annetwist, and 2,384 others | 980 comments
hsfan1 Awwww 🥹 I love a happy!Harry
hsfan2 He looks so content with his life 😍
yourfan1 He makes her happy, she makes him happy - easy as that!
annetwist ❤️
yourinstagram Thank you, Gem 👉🏻👈🏻🥹
↳ gemmastyles I have to thank you, silly ❤️
mitchrowland There isn’t a chance you could bring some iced coffee with you? And maybe something sweet?
↳ gemmastyles YN already has that on her to-do list!
↳ pillowpersonpp A literal angel ❤️
liked by harrystyles, yourinstagram, hsfan2, and 78 others
yourinstagram Is this a Harrie-approved show outfit? 🤔
Liked by hsfan1, yn_and_harry, yourfan1, and 437,440 others | 87,001 comments
hsfan1 It’s giving fancy cowboy vibes 😍
hsfan2 APPROVED!
yn_and_harry He will love this!!!
lindathetree My pretty bestiiiiie ❤️
↳ yourinstagram my even more pretty bestiiiie ❤️
yourfan1 The beauty you are 😭❤️
↳ hsfan3 I envy Harry so much
blurryh Pretty girl ❤️
↳ yourinstagram Pretty boy ❤️
liked by blurryh, mitchrowland, gemmastyles, and 5 others
hsfan4 Definitely approved. I love this! Where did you get that blouse???
↳ yourinstagram Uhm… American Eagle I think? 😅
↳ hsfan4 Finally something I can afford, YES! Love you!
↳ lindathetree She is an American Eagle biatch. Almost her entire closet consists of AE stuff 👌🏻
liked by hsfan4, yourfan1, ynfanpage, and 108 others
harry_lambert You clearly never need me ❤️
↳ yourfan2 Harry L is here! 😱
↳ yourinstagram I could NEVER outdo your magic!
↳ harry_lambert Well, maybe you need to stop waving off my offers then!
↳ yourinstagram We’ll see 👉🏻👈🏻
↳ hsfan5 YN is so humble 🥺
harryismyman You’re so ugly, what does Harry see in you lol
harrystyles Love On Tour. New York City II. August, 2022.
Liked by yourinstagram, annetwist, hsfan1, hsfan2, and 2,329,070 others | 101,323 comments
hsfan1 Who wants to bet that he looked at YN? 👀
↳ hsfan2 He definitely did
↳ hsfan3 Yeeeep. That’s the smile reserved for her ❤️
annetwist Enjoy it ❤️
yourinstagram 🥰❤️
↳ harrystyles Can’t wait to see you x
↳ yourinstagram Front and center—as always ❤️
↳ harrystyles That’s my girl x
↳ harrystylesfanpage I live for their love 🥹
harryismyman Please reply to my dm, love!
↳ hsfan4 🤦🏾🤦🏾🤦🏾
internetroll1 He deserves so much better than yourinstagram.
internetroll2 Could Harry just break up with this stupid yourinstagram girl?
;
“We have a problem,” Jeff spoke right next to her and scared the living shit out of YN, who was in deep conversation with a small group of lovely fans, already impatiently waiting for her boyfriend to appear. With a hand pressed to her jeans-clad chest, the woman turned and stared up at the manager with wide eyes. “Dear avocado, Jeff!” He gently got a hold of her arm and urgently pulled her with him while she waved the group with boas around their necks, an apologetic smile on her face. “What’s wrong? Did someone die?” The manager huffed and only stopped when they had arrived in one of the underground hallways of MSG. “Nobody died, but the supporting act got last minute sick.”
YN’s lips parted at that; her mouth formed a soft O, and blinking, she tried to understand the situation. “Okay…? Do you have a backup?” He shook his head slowly, but the expression in his eyes didn’t sit right with her. “Unless someone agrees to jump in,” he now said, and the young woman felt her heartbeat quicken. Jeff didn’t need to explain this further to her, her mind already spiraling at the thought alone of making an appearance on the big stage. So, she started to shake her head—slow at first, but with growing desperation and urgency. “No, no, no.” She moved both hands up; her head continued to move from left to right, fast enough to give her whiplash. “I can’t do this, Jeff. You know I adore you, but… no.”
He followed the young singer as she took several steps back and threw her a pleading look. “Why not, YNN? You are great! You are a great singer! This could be a possibility.” It was almost comical that he didn’t see the controversy lying in it, the potential extent of hate she could get when doing what he asked of her. “That’s exactly the point, Jeff! Imagine what they would think when suddenly it’s me who stands on that stage! A stage prepared for my immensely famous boyfriend. Just… just give this a five-second thought, and you’ll see why I can’t do this. They will all think the same—that-that I’m using him as a launching pad for my own career before throwing him in the trash can like a half-eaten hotdog. But that’s not true!”
YN felt panic bubbling inside her at the prospect of losing Harry over the hate of this fandom which would ultimately attack not only her but him as well. And she couldn’t possibly allow that to happen.
Jeff gently grabbed her shoulders and moved her to look at him. “I know that that’s not true. The band knows. His family knows. You know. Harry knows. Everyone that matters know how much you love each other and that this is not a PR stunt or PR relationship. Who cares what the world thinks?” YN took a deep breath. “They will hate me. I could never use a social media account ever again, Jeff. And you know how much I love to interact with my fans. I… I can’t put that at risk.” His head shake let her breath slow down more and more. “Your fans will know the truth. They always do, somehow. The haters will lose interest soon enough, you know how they behave over time. And think of all those people out there. Many of them already like you because you make Harry so happy, everyone can see it. Remember how they cheered last night when he tried to find you in the crowd, and they helped him to see you between them. That’s all that matters to most of them—that he is happy.”
She took another deep breath and blinked up at him, unsure what to do. “But what if I fail up there?” Jeff grinned. “You’re a blast on a stage. It’s your second home, YN. Do you really think you could fail up there?” Her anxiety screamed Yes, but the realistic part of her brain only shrugged its shoulders because she had always lived for the stages of this world—even if it only was an aisle between bookshelves in the bookshop she worked ever since starting at and graduating from college.
So, all she did was nod once, and Jeff grinned even wider before ushering her to the technicians to provide her with an earpiece and a microphone.
—
“Uhm… Jeff?” Harry’s voice called through the underground hallway as soon as his eyes spotted his manager. The brunette raised a dark brow at the singer, and Harry held his phone up. “D’you know where YNN is? She doesn’t react to any of my texts, and I thought we would meet here before I went out,” he explained the situation to him—the my girlfriend is kinda missing in action situation.
But Jeff couldn’t really say anything because, at this moment, a voice, followed by booming applause and cheers, echoed through the long hallways. “Hey, everyone!” Harry looked confused as hell as he heard YN’s voice multiplied by a microphone and the sound system of Madison Square Garden. “What’s happening now?” He was followed by his manager and some bodyguards as he just made his way upwards to stand right next to the pit. His eyes almost pop out at the sight of his gorgeous woman standing on the stage, a huge smile on her face.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you because clearly, I’m not Blood Orange.” A laugh runs through the audience. “There was a last-minute sickness call, but we only wish them the best, don’t we? Let them hear it!” The people cheered loudly at that, and YN smiled even more widely. “I’m pretty sure they heard it till the other side of the river! And so, this only leaves the question of if y’all don’t mind if I play the supporting act for tonight, so we can greet Harry properly later on. Would that be alright with y’all?” She moved the mic to direct it to the people in front and around her. His fans cheered loudly, and a laugh escaped YN. “I didn’t quite get you!” Another move of the mic and the audience screamed their encouragement. “I suppose that’s a Yes! Thank you. Don’t worry if you only know a few or any songs at all. We still can have a great time together!” YN turned to the band, and at the nod of the drummer, she held her thumb up and grinned brightly.
Harry stood in constant awe on his spot, almost ignoring his fans, of whom some had spotted the singer, but he was too enthralled by his woman upstage, owning it like she was born for it. And in his opinion, she had been born to do exactly this.
As the first tunes of W.I.T.C.H. echoed through the hall, many of the audience cheered loudly, and even Harry whistled and cheered alongside them. “She ain't out to get you, but she's better on your side,” YN sang, and then, the people sang the refrain with her. “And she don't wanna be anybody else - She's a woman in total control of herself.—Oh my, you know this song?!—It's such a wonder to be under her spell - What a woman, in total control of herself.”
The singer continued to watch in wonder and almost didn’t realize that Jeff had patted his shoulder. “We need to get you ready,” his manager told him, and Harry reluctantly followed him, always throwing a look over his shoulder to see his girl glowing up there.
harrystyles Thank you for stepping in, my love. I’m so damn proud of you. This is your moment! x
[yourinstagram]
Liked by yourfan1, yourfan2, yn_and_harry, gemmastyles, and 1,221,001 others | 111,920 comments
gemmastyles What a banger!! Whoever that is, we all need to listen to her songs more often 👀👀👀
liked by yourfan2, yourfan4, hsfan5, and 113 others
↳ yourinstagram Geeeeeeem 🙈
↳ gemmastyles 😘🥰
↳ hsfan1 🥹
hsfan2 Best supporting act!!!
mitchrowland 🥳❤️
pillowpersonpp That’s my girl! 👸🏼
yourfan1 She seriously is born to do exactly this!
↳ hsfan3 Def! She was SO good upstage
internettroll1 💀💀💀💀
internettroll2 Untalented, ugly, unworthy of him 🤪
internettroll3 I just checked her social media accounts—she gained SO many new followers. Can’t tell me she isn’t dating him for precisely this.
internettroll4 Youre still my man, Harry. Leave this b*tch.
—harrystyles turned off comments for this post—
harrystyles My tired loves x
I always was very grateful for my fans and how we handle things on social media as individuals. But lately—actually, ever since my relationship got public knowledge—hateful comments have pooled here, and I will not tolerate a single word filled with hatred, especially if it’s directed toward this angel of a woman who makes me the happiest. I don’t want to exclude you, my longtime fans and supporters, from this part of my life after I finally feel comfortable enough to share this with you willingly. So, could we treat people with kindness again?
Thank you, x H.
Liked by annetwist, gemmastyles, hsfan1, harrystylesfanpage, and 9,247,851 likes | 338,996 comments
harrystylesfanpage Wow, you did it, people. You made him so upset that he needed to call y’all’s bullshit out 😠
liked by hsfan1, hsfan3, harry_and_yn, and 77 others
↳ hsfan1 I’m so sad🥺 She is the loveliest human being and doesn’t deserve all this hate
harrystylesforever True fans will protect you both!
ynfanpage Poor babies 😭❤️
hsfan2 They have a cat together 😭
↳ yourfan1 Everything screams for a long-term relationship. Can’t tell me otherwise.
annetwist ❤️
gemmastyles 😞❤️
hsfan3 Those haters never were true fans 🤬❤️
lindathetree Me and billtherock are very thankful that you take such good care of her and protect her from all that ❤️
↳ harrystyles It’s my duty x
liked by billtherock, annetwist, hsfan1, hsfan2, and 1,342 others
yn_and_harry We love you two! What’s your guys' cat’s name? She is such a pretty bean 🥺❤️
↳ yourinstagram Her name is Juniper, but we barely call her that. She probably wouldn’t react to it anyway
liked by harrystyles, annetwist, yn_and_harry, and 237 others
↳ yn_and_harry That’s normal 😅❤️
yourfan1 I’m so sorry you got so much hate, yourinstagram But Harry is there for you, obviously! ❤️
yourinstagram I love you.
↳ harrystyles I love you more x
↳ yourinstagram Nope, not possible ❤️
liked by harrystyles, ynfanpage, harry_and_yn, and 2,456 others
;
I’m not sure what I think about this one, but hey, it’s here, and I’m excited to read what y’all think. Hope you liked it <3 As usual: comments, reblogs, and likes are much appreciated!
taglist: @onecrazydirectioner @nyctophilic0vitnir
#harry styles x reader#harry styles x female reader#harry styles x fem!reader#harry styles x singer!reader#harry styles fluff#harry styles imagine#harry styles oneshot#harry styles one shot#harry styles social media au#harry styles fake social media#harry styles fake ig#harry styles fake instagram#harry styles instagram au#harry styles smau#harry styles au#harry styles#smau#harry styles fanfic#harry styles fic#harry styles fanfiction
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A sip, and you score
Hello :), this is my first John fic, ngl I'm nervous bc its my first time writing for him. Anyway, if you have any ideas or request you can send them to me I will gladly do them :). My master list is pinned in my blog if you want to check it out. Fluff, smut, tw none, 2.8k words.
To say this season for John has been amazing is an understatement. He was selected for the England world cup squad, he is now challenging for the title again, UCL semis again, the FA cup final and having played in different positions and out of his comfort zone so well. You were very excited for him and so proud of all the hard work he has done, seeing it payoff is amazing.
You and John started dating during Covid year. It was a very weird way to start a relationship, to quarantine with someone you had met for just 2 months. In a way, it was the best thing that could’ve happened to both of you. You had someone to spend a lot of time with, at times where it could become quite boring. You got to know him more than anyone and discover that actually, you two were perfect for each other. When you two first started dating, he was struggling to get into the team. It sucked seeing him sad and upset but seeing the progress he has made from that time to now; it just amazes you.
You were currently cuddled up to him, his arms around your waist and his chest pressed to your back. It was early in the morning and you knew his alarm would be annoying you at any second. Today was a big day, they were playing against Arsenal at home. John had told you he was not nervous but excited for this game. You on the other hand, you were very nervous because you know how south a game can go.
You don’t know why, but you woke up with a very different feeling this morning than the feeling you had last night about the game. You felt in your gut they would win, and John having scored already and played amazingly you had a feeling he could score again. You didn’t want to jinx it, but you also wanted to let him know how sure you were and how confident you felt in him.
You got up from bed carefully to not wake your sleeping boyfriend so he could enjoy 5 more minutes of sleep. You went straight to the kitchen to make yourself and John a cup of tea. You noticed the time, it was 8:55 am. You noticed how many tea bags were left, 5. You noticed you had unread messaged from last night, 5. You remembered a scene from the movie you binged with John last night, Focus. How they made someone choose the exact player they wanted him to choose to win a bet by making the man see the number 5 the whole day and subconsciously pick 55. All of these 5’s was giving you even more of a better feeling. You were always a big believer in intuition and going with your gut.
You were thinking about all of this while making tea and jumped a little when you felt two strong arms wrap around your waist. “Morning my love” John said kissing your cheek. “Hi baby”, you stopped doing what you were doing, turned around and hugged him. Once you pulled away, John went outside so your dog could go potty and to take the trash out.
John came back in and sat in the stool from the kitchen bar looking at his phone. You finished up the tea and placed his mug in front of him. “Are you excited about today?” you asked taking a sip from your tea. He placed his phone on the table and looked back at you, “Yea, I feel like it’s going to be a good game honestly”. “I have a good feeling too” “How? You said you were nervous last night” he says laughing. You laughed as well, you were scared but all these signs gave you a good feeling. Before John could take the first sip of his tea, you wanted to tell him it was different today. “I made a different tea today and… a sip of it means your scoring today so” you said playfully and proudly. “Is that so? You are making like a magic tea for me then?” he asked smiling. “Yea, I woke up with a good feeling today” “alright then” he takes a sip from his mug and smiles. He takes another one and soon enough he finishes his tea. “I guess I’m scoring a goal today then” he says smirking and you laugh. “If you do actually score, I want a bit of credit” you say as he comes closer to you. He grabs your face gently and kisses you. “You will get more than that”, you smirk when he says this knowing exactly what he means.
John went back to his room to shower and leave to the training center before the game. Meanwhile you started doing work stuff to be free in the evening since you were attending the game. “Okay my love I’m off” John appears in your little office like space to kiss you goodbye. “Bye baby”, you both hug each other tightly like you do before every single game. He kisses you lovingly, “good luck yea? I know you are going to be so great today” you said smiling against his lips. He kisses you one more time before he has to leave.
As excited as you were, you always had that thought in the back of your head of “what if they actually lose?” but you distracted yourself with work stuff, house chores and organizing your stuff around the house.
It was near 6 pm and you started getting ready to go to the stadium. His family would all be there today, as well as some of the other teammates girlfriends which you have gotten very close with. Once you were satisfied with your makeup and outfit, you headed to your car. The whole ride to the stadium was filled with John’s playlist and it kind of made your nervousness go away, at least for a little bit.
You were the first one in the box and you could see the staff arranging a banner they would display and the players warming up on the pitch. Before every game you would text John a quick message consisting of I love you and Good luck. This time, it included something else. “Already at the stadium! I love you and good luck! Score that goal for me please ;)”.
Everyone else arrived to the box, you greeted his mom, dad, sister and Sasha who was in the box next to you. “I need them to win otherwise Jack gets so moody and it’s annoying” you laughed at Sashas’s joke. You were in between John’s sister and Sasha watching the game. The atmosphere was amazing, the stadium was bouncing. Everyone knew how important this game would be in order to win the title this season.
The ref blew the whistle and not even 10 minutes in, Kevin scored the opener causing the whole stadium to roar. The game was looking good. You were holding either Sasha’s hand or fidgeting with your bracelets from the anxiety you had. Just before half time, they gained a free kick. You knew John loves his header goals, so you were excited to see if it would be a goal from him. Kevin made a really good pass and John was able to put it in the net. You all stood up once the ball went in, screamed but not even for a second. The goal was ruled as offside. “For fuck’s sake man” you said sitting down and covering your face. “They need to probably check it, damn that looked like a great goal” John’s sister told you. “Yea they are checking look” Sasha says pointing to the screen. “I really need him to score otherwise I will look like an idiot and disappoint him” you said while biting down on your nails, “what? What do you mean?” Sasha asked chuckling. “Oh god, I woke up today with a good feeling he would score and I told him, I was very confident and now if he doesn’t I will feel dumb” you said almost laughing know realizing it was just dumb coincidence all the signs you saw. “Oh my god look!” Sasha says pointing to the screen. The green line. It was a goal. You fucking called. “Yes!! I called it! Oh my god!”. Once the referee gave the goal, the whole stadium and all the players started celebrating and singing John’s song. You were so happy for him, and you saw he blew you kiss from the pitch after celebrating.
The whole second half, city were playing amazingly with Kevin scoring another goal and Erling in the last minutes scoring one as well. You were so happy for the team, but you were even happier for John. You knew how much it meant to him the fans singing his name and making them proud.
While you waited for John in the player’s lounge, you caught up with his family and some of the other wives and girlfriends. You still felt a lot of adrenaline form the game but the only thing you wanted to do right now was to hug and kiss John and say, “I told you so”.
You saw your tall boyfriend enter the room and greet his parents first. They hugged him and congratulated him on the win and the goal. Once he saw you, he couldn’t help but just laugh to himself knowing exactly what you were about to say. He hugged you tight and kissed your temple. “I might more of your magic tea for the rest of the season” he whispered in your ear. You just laughed, pulled away just enough to see his face and give him a kiss. “I told you” you said smiling against his lips and he just chuckled. Once he talked to his parents and sister a bit more, they informed him he had to do some post-match interview. “I won’t be long yea, let me know when you get home yea?” he kisses your temple and leaves to the media room. You said your goodbyes to everyone and arrived safe at home.
You made something quick to eat before John arrived so you could both just go to bed peacefully. Once you were done eating and cleaning up in the kitchen, you went upstairs to your bedroom and started getting ready for bed. You changed into your little shorts and a just a training bra. You pulled out your face wash, moisturizer, eye cream and oils to do your skin care. While you were washing your face, you heard the front door open meaning John was already home. “Babe?” John called out for you, “In the bathroom” you yelled out.
You felt his two strong arms wrap around your waist while you were just applying moisturizer on your face. He gave started kissing your cheek, your shoulder and neck. Once he reached your sweet spot, you didn’t even realize you had stopped moving and just enjoying his kisses. “You said you wanted me to give you credit right” John whispered in your neck. You closed your eyes while his hand started touching your stomach, waist and finally comping up and cupping your breasts. “John” you moaned out, you turned around and immediately kissed him. It was a rough but loving kiss. His hand on your waist, your hands grabbing his neck and pulling on his hair. He lifted you up and you wrapped your legs around his torso. He carried you to bed, laid you down and kept making out with him in the process. He was on top of you kissing you, but he stood up and removed his hoodie and his joggers. He came back down and started kissing your lips again. Your hands roamed all over his toned body.
After just kissing and making out for a little bit, you wanted to make him feel good after the game today. You tried to push him so you could be on top, but he stopped you “I thought I had to give you credit” he said smiling against your lips. “Yea, but I want to make you feel good”. He agreed and you were now on top of him. He was laying down while you were sitting on his lap. You stared slowly removing your bra so your breasts could be free. Once you threw your bra to the other side of the room, John came back up to you and nuzzled his face in between your breasts kissing them causing you to moan. Your hand pulling his hair, him gripping your hips, you rolling them so you could feel his bulge in your core. “Take this off” he said pulling your shorts down. You took your mini shorts off and now were completely naked straddling him.
“Lay down babe” you whispered in his ear. He laid back down, you stood up and started removing his boxers. One off, you took him in the palm of your hand and started stroking him making him close his eyes and moan at your touch. You started slowly and after a minute, you place your mouth on him. He grabbed your hair, making you go up and down. As much as you loved how John always wanted to make you feel good, feel his face in between your legs, you loved making him feel good and making him cum. You didn’t want to finish just yet. You wanted to do it at the same time as him.
“Baby, if you keep going I’m gonna cum” John says in between moans. You were on your knees bobbing your head up and down when he said this. You started coming back up to his face slowly, kissing all over his abs and torso, his chest, neck and finally his lips. You lined up your wet core with his cock and sank down in it. Once he was fully in you, it felt so good. You had your eyes closed, moaning while he watched and loved the view. This was his favorite position, you riding his cock. You started bouncing up and down, your breasts as well and John started moaning at the sight of you. “Oh my god John”, it felt so good.
“I’m close” he started moaning, his hand firm gripping your hips helping you bounce on his cock. “Me too baby” you moaned out. You felt his hands leave your hips and grab your breasts. You lowered your hand down to your clit to feel your orgasm even more, turning John on more. He came up to you, now face to face to kiss you. He removed your hand from your clit and replaced them with his. You were both panting and moaning in each other’s mouth. “I’m cuming John” “Me too my love” “Cum with me baby”, it didn’t take long for both of you to see stars and cum at the same time.
Straddling him, both of you just hugged riding out your high. He kissed your neck and chest lovingly. You pulled away to see his face and give him a kiss. He moved your strands of hair out of your face so he could see you properly. Your face was flushed and a bit sweaty like him. “I fucking love fucking you” John whispered against your mouth making you smile. “I love fucking you too” you replied chuckling. “Was that enough credit for the goal or do you need more?” “Mmmm maybe in the morning I can get more credit”, both of you laughed.
Once you got cleaned up, you were too tired from the activities that took place. John made sure the front door was locked and all the lights were turned off. Once he returned back into the room, he laid down in bed and pulled you as close as possible to him. Your nose was bumping his, his hand around your waist and your hands on his chest and cupping his face. “I didn’t tell you before but, you played really good today. I love seeing you play so good because I know it means you are in a good place” he just smiled at what you said and kissed your nose. “Well I wouldn’t be in a good place if it wasn’t for you, you know?”, “what do you mean” you were confused now. “Ever since we’ve been together, I feel like you’ve been the one person in my life who has cared about me, like how I actually feel outside of football. You’re always at the games supporting me even if I don’t play, you’re the only person I want to see after a loss. I know I haven’t really said it but I’m very grateful for all of that” His comment made you smile and blush a little. You were happy that he appreciated you being a supportive girlfriend. “Well I just want to make sure you’re happy you know? I hated seeing you upset when you didn’t play or didn’t get called up. I’m really proud of how far you’ve come” “Thank you babe”. He kissed you, “I love you, more than anything” “Me too John, more than anything”.
#john stones#John Stones x reader#John Stones fan fiction#John Stones imagine#footballer x reader#John Stones fluff#John Stones smutt
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Baby don't even apologise for late responses cause regardless of when you reply to me, the response will most definitely have me in space and floating on cloud 9 for the rest of the day.
- ❤️
(Honey I miss you all the time and I think your beauty is unmatched. I call you a gorgeous goddess for a reason❤️❤️❤️)
(You're good at chemistry🤭🤭🤭dammmmmn beauty and brains??? Cause how am I supposed to not fall in love????I can't wait to read what you're writing(remember we are patient and understanding don't push yourself) You sound so hardworking 🤭)
(I LIVE FOR YOUR YAPSSSS. I NEED MOREEEEEE. Tell me about today??? (no pressure though ❤️❤️❤️))
(You're amazing❤️)
i saw i got this ask and then jumped up and down right? like as one does and then my bff said “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU” and i was like “GIRL YOU DONT WANNA KNOW” and then she grabbed by phone from me and i was like “girl you’re not gonna like it” and then she threw my phone down and started fake gagging like i toldddddd youuuuuuuu
anyways….
(honey 🤭🤭) ALL THE TIME?????? RAHHHHH i was so sad yesterday bc idk what time zone you’re in but i had to go an ENTIRE DAY without a reply and i was like having withdrawals…. not even funny
i love when you call me gorgeous goddess it makes me like not okay in the head yk? like. i think you can infer how it makes me feel…. 🤭
i’m INSANE at chemistry im taking ap chem next year in fact but i actually have a complaint
THIS SHIT took me forever and then my teacher wasn’t even here today so i could have had an entire day more to do it but WHATEVER. WHATEVER ITS FINE 🙄🙄🙄 it’s not hard or anything it just takes forever and also there’s so many numbers and i SUCK at math so there’s a possibility that i messed up my calculations but IDC!!!!!!! i’m too tired to check it
because of you is turning out so bleh. i don’t like it lmao 😭😭 but i mean idk i’ll still publish probably tmrw hopefully tmrw aka tuesday
i KNOW you all are patient and understanding but i am NOT so 😭😭😭
i fear you are wrong and i am not hardworking do we not remember me talking about how i procrastinate 24/7
THANK YOU IM GIGGLING FR I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL 🤭🤭🤭
today is fine so far but OH MY GOD my ap lang teacher handed us back our synthesis essays and then asked me if i could read mine outloud as what to show everyone NOT to do i was like GIRLLLL NO WAY 😭 but it’s ok i think mrs b still loves me ☹️ it was like bc my topic sentences did not align w my thesis and i was like ok i mean you’re right but wtv… i’m struggling so bad w writing rn idk what’s going on. i mean i still got an 8/10 while most people got 7 or 6 so i still ate.
also i love baby hippos
and i have sat prep class today after so that SUCKS let’s hope it’s not like last week when i had that BLINDING headache good lord. did not rival the great headache of 2022 but still
idk. anyways sorry i hope you know this makes me like AHHHHHH giggle kick my feet all the stuff i’m not good at expressing it but ☹️ you get the point hopefully…
giggling 🤭 YOURE amazing 💋💋
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eek tagged by @barkingfortheocean thank you! i have not had the pleasure of doing one of these for a while so here goes nothing!
1. nickname -- oh man i haven't really got one! usually i just go by steph -- my gf uses steffi and thats caught on with like 2 other people too?
2. height - 5'1 (and 5'1 and a half if i'm trying to be real precise and underplay how short i am!!!!)
3. last google search - hotels in utica! my pals and i got tickets for women's world championships today and so we are trying to sort out the logistics of the stay (luckily ottawa is v close which helps) 🫡
4. song stuck in my head - nobody speak by dj shadow and run the jewels lmao -- work is really slow this week and im mostly trying to overcorrect with like, overly hype songs to get going with the day.
5. number of followers -- under 10! (said with the lightest of lmao's) ive been a sleeper blog until getting real into pwhl/woho
6. amount of sleep -- usually 7-8 hours! i slept around midnight, wake up around 8!
7. dream job -- something like my current one but a bit more... focused and busier, honestly? i like urban planning tons, and because it's a pretty generalized position (that tends to get me roped into broader housing stuff too), i get to pitch in on a lot of issues. but id love a position to hone in on the bits i like the most!!
8. wearing - black cord pants, black levis shirt -- v basic day at home so i am Dressed Down
9. movie/book that summarizes you -- i am struggling with thinking of a movie/book that summarizes me well???? ever since i saw possession (1981) i havent stopped thinking abt it tho so ill jot that down
10. aesthetic -- paddington bear core?
11. favourite authors - love me a short story so alice munro + ray bradbury. also a freak for some horror so ill always go to bat for shirley jackson
12. favourite song -- currently, wake me up by foals!
13. random fact: i have a murderer's thumb on my right hand 👍 and i can never win a thumb war bc of it 👍
genuinely i think everyone i follow has been tagged 😭 but anyone who sees this should do it! trying to get to know all the lovely woho/pwhl folks 🫡
#tag game!!!!!!!!!#n thank you again pal!!!! idk if this a good luck thing but good luck on your sailing season!!
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Will I be projecting this into a South Park fanfiction at some point probably very sorry in advance to either Kyle or maybe Tweek but tbh I gotta rant real quick about my supremely awful day
(Cut for both severe anxiety and possible eating problem triggers)
So like I act and stuff right. Low budget independent shorts, projects for the local film school, things of that nature. And I had a shoot today for a class that’s essentially focused on filming an 8 page script in 12 hours, teaches the students professionalism, all that.
I woke up anxious for reasons I couldn’t pinpoint, wore Kyle socks under my costume for powers, figured I’d be okay once I got into the swing of the shoot. I was not. There was this chunk of very specific scientific dialogue that I just COULD NOT get to come out in the right order, and what did my bitch ass brain do? Fucking spiraled with it. Which made talking harder, which made the “YOURE A FAILURE YOURE A FAILURE” internal dialogue worse, and it continued. And I had a goddamn panic attack on the soundstage.
I wound up shaking in the green room literally crying, someone had to go get my husband from the editing suite because they didn’t know what to do, I could HEAR the professor talking to his class about “when talent has emotional problems during production it’s important not to let them know they’re holding up the shoot”, and the worst part? This was less than an hour before we broke for lunch.
And I’ve vagued about this before, but I’m a recovered anorexic. About five years ago, I did the whole outpatient thing or whatever, was in therapy for a while for it, almost had to drop out of college for it, all that shit, and for the most part I consider myself to be fine now. But that mentality pops up every once in a while, and that shit is AWFUL.
The AD called for lunch, and my first fucking thought was “you don’t fucking deserve to eat you worthless piece of garbage”, and like NO BRUH TF?!? Having a goddamn stroke on set is literally no reason to punish yourself, like if anyone else was having a gnarly anxiety day I would absolutely be encouraging them to take it easy on themselves, hydrate and eat, whatever they need, so how fucked up is it that I couldn’t do that for myself. I did wind up having a slice of the college film student set staple that is little cesars cardboard ass pizza bc Opposite Actions, but it was a huge mental struggle.
It’s definitely worth noting that NO ONE was nasty to me about my breakdown, at least not to my face, even though I was completely fucked in the head afterwards for the remainder of the shoot. I’ve worked with a lot of these people before, they know me and know it was just a bad day, and one of the girls I worked art department with on a previous feature was script supervisor for this one, and she came into the green room and sat with me, stopped me from biting at my fingertips because I hadn’t realized I was making myself bleed, kept me from hyperventilating until my partner got there. The director got with his team to work out what footage they could get until I was more steady. The AD checked in constantly for the rest of the shoot. The other actor was incredibly sweet and shared anecdotes from his stage acting days to cheer me up whenever I’d get anxious over a missed word in a take. No one was a dick to me. At all.
Except myself.
I don’t like to consider myself mentally ill, despite the fact that I know there’s no shame in it; I’m diagnosed with anxiety and depression, plus the whole eating disorder thing, obsessive compulsive disorder, I’ve been told I should get evaluated for autism (tbh yeah probably) like yall I’m a fucking disaster. But no one, NO ONE will ever be as hard on me as I am on myself. Also, it was a student production the Friday before spring break. They cut shots and wrapped early because nobody wanted to be there.
If you can step back and put shit In perspective, it helps. Unfortunately I’m very bad at that.
Very sorry for the rant being a person is fucking stupid but at the end of the day I love helping people tell the stories they want to tell and also wearing south park socks under my 1950s scientist costume.
#anyway back to the regularly scheduled pce being feral abt her favorite boys#my day sucked fucking ass and now I’m going to try and find style whump that I haven’t read yet#I’m a walking disaster#it’s fine#I will almost certainly not find any#personal#very sorry to anyone who reads this that may be triggered by both Ed thoughts and anxiety that’s not my intention#also shoutout to the boom op who gave a Tylenol and said *ARE YOU A FUCKING SNAKE* when I draw swallowed them
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I had work and class today as usual, but I was very tired bc I got like 2 1/2 hours of sleep bc of poor decision making. And maybe that triggered a flare up, I have no idea. My blood oxygen level dropped to 91% this morning and my heart rate was, once again, dropping into the 40s every time I rested, but jumped up as high as the 160s when I was like taking stairs and shit.
So uhhh,,,I was tired as hell. I still am. Idk how accurate my phone is, but it says my VO2 max didn’t get above 24.6 today, which - if that’s correct - means my body was really struggling to use what oxygen I was getting. And the METs measurements indicates that I’m using as much energy to walk around and do normal tasks that a healthy person might use to run an 8-10 minute mile.
I still went to class. Which maybe counts for something, idk. But I apparently looked as shitty as I felt, bc multiple people asked me if I was doing okay. And one of my class friends checked in because I was apparently wheezing, which I didn’t notice, and it worried her.
It wasn’t a great day. And it’s far from the only bad day I’ve had recently. But, with the exception of some readings for my class tomorrow, I guess I’ve gotten through it. And I’ll definitely wear my leg braces and everything tomorrow so that I, at the least, don’t have to actively manage both issues.
But if anyone has any advice? Or like a hypothesis about what’s causing this? I’m not picky. And I’d be really grateful.
And I’m sorry for bitching about it on the internet again.
#im so tired#chronic health#chronic pain#cpunk#cripple punk#i think it's#pots#pots syndrome#but i dont have a formal diagnosis yet#medical#tw medical#vo2 max#blood oxygen monitoring#heart rate#bradycardia#tachycardia#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#health???#tw vent#fever’s vibe check#feverdreamsandlucidnightmares
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1.6k celebration - blurb event
rules
you can send up to two prompts
the list is kind of long because I will only use each prompts once. this is the main difference with my previous blurb events! first come first serve kinda :)
please do not mass request <3 and finally please please pleeeease bear with me and my slowness. i'm still struggling to write rn so like. uh. yeah. be patient 😭
characters:
-matt, matthew connellly
-michael gray, j cody
-seb jacobs, frank mccullen, four
-cassie howard, pippa
-eddie munson, chrissy cunningham (no smut)
(i'll be privileging requests for sydney and stranger things bc I wanna write more for them — but feel free to request for whoever you want from the list :))
prompts:
#1 "Just shut up! I'm not as fragile as you think I am, I don't need protecting!"
#2 "This is a one time thing”
#3 “bend over the desk”
#4 “I guess I’ll just get off all by myself then”
#5 "you shouldn’t be alone right now. i’ll take the couch, it’ll be fine."
#6 "well, i can think of some ways to wear you out.
#7 "i didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
#8 "i'll never forget you."
#9 "Don't go [on that date/mission/business trip/ to *destination*...]." "Why?" "You know why."
#10 “i want to taste you”
#11 “my mom/dad adores you.”
#12 "babe, you can barely keep your eyes open...let's go."
#13 “touch me and you lose”
#14 “When we get home I’m cuffing you to the bed and going down on you all night until my jaw is sore.”
#15 "man, fuck that guy. go show her what she’s missing. “
#17 “tell me that there was some truth to it.” “...come on. i don’t want to do this.” “tell me it wasn’t all in my fucking head, [name].”
#18 “stop— stop talking!” “why? you can’t even face your own mistake?”
#19 "I don’t want you to be alone tonight and honestly, I don’t really want to be alone either.”
#20 "I'm really not in the mood." "You never are."
#21 "I love you."
#22 “y'know, i was hoping to make a sandwich but seeing as you're here already, wearing that, i'd rather have something else to eat.”
#23 "I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy." "don't ever say that...you made me so happy."
#24 "that’s the sixth time you’ve complimented me today.”
#25 "I'd hold onto something if I were you."
#26 "You don’t love me anymore, do you?”
#27 “I wonder what your girlfriend/boyfriend would do if they knew what you were doing right now.”
#28 “You're so beautiful.”
#29 "It’s really hard seeing you/him/her with him/her everyday.”
#30 “There will always be a part of you that wishes you could be with him/her."
#31 "she’s everything i ever wanted, but i don’t want to risk losing her as a friend."
#32 "look, i don't know if i’m the kind of person you need or even want right now. but i’m looking around and i’m the only one who’s here.
#33 "If I never see you again, just know that I love you so, so much.”
#34 "We've been by each other's sides for years, you think I'm gonna leave now?"
#35 "did you fake it?"
#36 "i heard what you said...no one's ever talked about me that way before.."
#37 "i asked if you were having a party. i didn’t tell you to have a party.
#38 "If you die, I’m going to kill you"
#39 "You’ve got thirty seconds to explain to me what you’re doing here."
#40 "It’s amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.”
#41 "What do you got?” "Uh...A headache.”
#42 ”Are you alright?” “I will be.”
#43 ''you only call me when you want to hook-up.'' '' that was part of the agreement, wasn't it? ''
#44 "We're in public you know." “I really don’t care, you look hot and I’m trying not to fuck you senseless right now”
#45 “I could just pull your bikini bottoms to the side, no one will notice”
#46 Think anyone will notice if I start fingering you right now?”
#47 "you're an idiot" / "but i'm your idiot"
#48 "Look...I know we broke up, but you know that you aren't any less important to me now, right?"
#49 "Spread your legs."
#50 "You're perfect... everything about you is perfect"
#51 "One more word out of you and I’ll bend you over the table and fuck you in front of everyone”
#O you can also suggest a prompt from my previous prompt lists :)
#michael gray x reader#cassie howard x reader#eddie munson x fem!reader#eddie munson x reader#chrissy cunningham x reader#michael gray fanfic#cassie howard x fem!reader#stranger things x reader#euphoria x reader#ben hardy x you#ben hardy x reader#four/billy x reader#frank mccullen x reader#seb jacobs x reader#pippa x reader#sydney sweeney x reader#cassie howard smut#michael gray smut
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[INACTIVE POST PLEASE READ MOST RECENT BLOG POST]
ADDING AS OF 12/8: please reblog this everyone duke is only getting worse and i've been to 2 vets already that charged me over $600 but didn't help or give him medicine. his condition is TREATABLE but if i can't afford medication or visits, none of the vets around here will help me and he will die. they don't have payment plans and he cant get pet insurance bc they consider his condition to be pre-existing. i don't want duke to suffer. his breathing is labored and his heartbeat is rapid, he is struggling and needs help and i am trying everything i can to get him treated.
PLEASE BOOST! reblogs help just as much as donations!! boosting this and spreading it helps others who may be able to help see it! even if you can't donate please, please reblog this!!
Hello everyone! I'm going to put most of this under a read-more so I'm not forcing everyone to read/scroll through a wall of text. This is Duke, he's my father's dog, but recently I've started to take care of him as my father gets older (he's almost 70) and is currently recovering from serious dental surgery. About 5 days ago I noticed that Duke was eating far less than what he usually does, and was breathing harder/coughing. At first I assumed it might be something minor, but as he continued to eat less and less and become more lethargic, I decided it was time to take him to the vet.
The first visit was just an exam because I had no idea what to expect and was still hoping for something minor. Duke has been healthy his whole life and that is honestly a blessing because my father is retired and I do not make nearly enough to cover hundreds of dollars in vet bills, unfortunately.
When the doctor returned she told me Duke had a combination of ventricular tachycardia and ventricular fibrillation, and wanted to change $730 to do x-rays and tests even though she warned me that the stress of those procedures could be detrimental. I declined at the time because something like that is way out of my price rang. Interestingly enough, aside from his breathing, she told me he exhibited no other symptoms of VT/VF.
I was recommended to a larger animal hospital in my state so they could give him a echocardiogram and prescribe the proper medicine. I called that hospital and explained my situation, and was told that such a procedure, plus the medicine/treatment he'd need would be upwards of $1,000. And that without these things Duke's heart would fail and he would die.
I decided to get a second opinion today and took him to another vet in my city where they gave him a more thorough exam and told me they believe he has arrhythmia instead (the doctor called it a mild case of tachycardia). She also recommended I take him to that larger animal hospital (as can be seen on his health plan sheet) for that same examine and treatment. She could not give me a definitive diagnosis or confirmation if he would need medicine despite listening to his heart and giving him an ultrasound. Along with the bloodwork done it was over $500.
Which I did not have. That money came out of what I use for groceries, gas and bills. And Duke still wasn't given any medication for his heart condition (I would have had to pay $200 extra for another in-house ECG scan without the promise that he would get medication).
I was referred again to another hospital where they expect me to come up with $1k or more depending on the medicine. I am already planning on changing what dog chow he eats and adding more heart-healthy foods/vitamins, but that alone will not keep Duke from being at a very high risk of heart failure.
Duke needs medication to correct and slow his arrhythmia. Without it he could unintentionally over-exert himself and fall into ventricular fibrillation, which will kill him. I want to get him walking again (as I stopped due to work and the weather here) but I'm terrified to start doing that because I don't want him to collapse. Duke is my father's companion and he's been with him for his (Duke's) entire life. He is basically the family dog, but my father has a very close relationship with him, and I know losing Duke would devastate him. It would devastate all of us.
I've been looking into animal assistance programs but I don't believe I qualify for most, or I'm not in their area of operation (there is one in my state but I fall outside of its area code). Please, if you can donate and help towards Duke's treatment and medication, I will be eternally grateful. And if you cannot do that, I'm begging that you just reblog this to spread the word and help others see it. Please. if you have any questions or would like to know more about Duke's condition please feel free to message me.
I'm sorry this is such a long post but I wanted to provide as much information as possible for anyone reading. (also I have blacked out names and addresses on the documents for obvious reasons)
[DONATE]
#vet bills#animal health#animal help#animals#dog#dogs#donations#boost#trending#paypal#donation post#animal assitance#thank you so much in advance!!!#and i'll be happy to answer any and all questions
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ran my first half marathon today in 1:54:39, so about an 8:45 min/mile pace. I’m mostly happy that I got under 2 hours lol but I really hope that I’ll be faster at the one in April. I didn’t really get to properly warm up bc our friend met up with us beforehand, plus it was raining. the rain wasn’t so bad throughout but my feet got pretty wet and my shoes were slippery on painted pavement and leaves. I really struggled in the last couple of miles but I felt pretty good for most of it, my hamstring didn’t bother me at all! but my legs started getting Tired by the end, and my sprint for the last tenth of the race sure was something lmao. but I smiled as I crossed the line and am still very proud of myself. 13.1 is tough and today presented its obstacles for sure. plus my stomach bothered me a couple times during the race but I did Not want to use a port o potty lol
my takeaway for the next race is, longer and easier long runs—I should do more runs that are over 13 miles. And I need to do more speed work. I didn’t have a gym for a month and a half before the race which was definitely a detriment bc I like doing sprints on the treadmill. But a new & better gym is opening next week so I’ll start using that yay. I also need to work on getting the gels/fueling right too. I’m excited to have stuff to work on and I just hope it works and I can get closer to 1:45, the goal
#alison rambles#unfortunately i am suffering rn lol i think it’s revenge for not going during the race#maybe it’s the gels? this did happen once when i took them on a recent long run
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☆ hawk talk 8/17/23 ☆
today wasn't the best day per se
um so as i was getting out of the car to go to school i spilled my coffee all over my pants and my fucking DOC MARTENS
but my dad got my water bottle and a towel and wiped em up
and the coffee got on my bag too.. i want to cry bc it's stained
but it gives character so whatever
and like i act like i'm completely fine until i'm out of the view range of my parents and i cussed repeatedly very loud and it was therapeutic
and then uh what else happened
*thinky face*
oh YEAH
so there's like this ledge by the front of the school like a brick wall thingy that goes just above my waist and i put my water bottle and bag there
and then i put my earbuds in and listen to music to keep myself from wanting to die
and then ben walks up to me and i just like blurt out "God i hope i don't smell like coffee" AND IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING BC I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY IT,, I WAS JUST THINKIJG IT TO MYSELF AND THEN I WAS LIKE FUCK SHIT NO
and he looked so caught off guard 😭😭
and he was like "uhh no"
so then i was like well fuck i can't just ask someone if i smell like coffee and give them no context 😭😭
so then i tell him about my dumbassery and he sees the coffee stain on my thigh and he's like "ohh yikes. but no, you can't smell it"
but like i'm self conscious so i stil sprayed some perfume bc i dont wanna smell like coffee which was 99% creamer because my FUCKING MOM DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING DRING THE DAMN BEVERAGE
so yeah i'm making my own coffee from now on fuck her
anyway
a beetle that i thought was a cicada turned out to be,, yk a beetle started flying around my head and i was like "aww it's so pretty" BC IT WAS
LITERALLY LIKE A MIX OF BLUE AND GREENISH AND IT WAS SO COOL
but like ig my face didn't say that?? idk i flinch a lot without meaning to
and he's like "do you want me to kill it?" so like ig my face was scared or smth idk 😭😭
and just for shits and giggles i was like "yeah sure"
AND THIS DORK SERIOUSLY STARTED JUMPING AND TRYING TO CATCH IT
and then after a while he just gave up and let out a sigh that was like yeah fuck that bug
oh and then he offered me some gum ♡
it was Extra: Peppermint
i'm a spearmint girlie but Extra gum is Extra gum, i will never turn it down
and idk if he offered me some out of kindness or if he remembered that mints and mint gum help me with anxiety
and ik for sure my breath didn't smell so it wouldn't be that either
idk i'm trying not to over analyze everything that happens but i am strUggling right now lmao
so anyway we walk into the building and he asked me if i eat the school breakfast (we were coming up to the cafeteria ish)
and i'm like "no i'm not hungry in the mornings" yk, like a liar
and here's how the rest of the interaction went: (m = me, b = ben)
b: really?
m: yeah idk i just don't really pay attention to when i'm hungry i guess? like i don't really notice when my stomach is empty anymore (this was actually the truth)
b: then how do you know when you need to eat?
m: when i get lightheaded.
b: wha- well what if you get lightheaded during class? we aren't allowed to eat during class periods.
m: i eat a mint or sneak some gum
b: *still doesn't understand all the way but sorta gets it*
b: yeah i get that. if the food is bad i just get the juice (talking bout school breakfast) well, see ya later! *goes into the mess hall*
m: yeah, bye!
(that wasn't our entire convo, i'm too lazy to put everything in)
and then i sorta just went into this one little corner to wait until they let us into the hallway buildings
and then i popped my earbuds back in and started to vibe to rock and then i sorta start singing to myself
and then guess what
THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE
HE FUCKING WAS LIKE SAYING "hey let's get breakfast" (again, i was too lazy to type out rhe whole convo and didn't add in vital parts bc laziness and my tummy hurts)
SO I BASICALLY
FUCKING WAS LIKE YEAH NO I'M GOOD
LIKE BRO
IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH EASIER IF YOU. JUST. ASKED.
but like also i get it so it's not that big of a deal
so right in the middle of my angry posting on tumblr and kicking myself for being oblivious till the last minute,, it turns out HE WAITS IN THE SAME CORNER UNTIL THE STAFF LETS US IN THE HALLWAYS
SO YEAH THAT WAS AWKWARD
CUS I WAS HATING ON MYSELF, SAD OVER MY SPILT COFFEE, CHEWING MY GUM, AND ALSO JAMMING TO A ROCK PLAYLIST
fr hoping he didn't see my emotional roller-coaster that would be hella embarrassing
so yea
and then like him and his friends started playfighting and like bro it was lowkey hilarious
so anyway i go into the building, i get to science
and one of my science projects partners isn't there
so thats fucking great
so the partner that is there, let's call her Emers, does the drawing portion of the project while i did the writing
and yeah
i'm like not going in too much detail bc i have to get this hawk talk done quick bc i have to wake up at 5am tmrw and it's already 11:23pm
and i don't wanna look like a zombie in english bc the people at my table will be facing my sleep deprived bitchy mood
so anyway
i get done with science after a while
and then it's math
i am missing my first 3 assignments and currently have an F <3
so fun 😍
/sarc,, for the dumbasses who just started following me
um nothing interesting happened
oh WAIT
LANIE GOT BACK FROM VISITING FAMILY!! AND WHILE ON HER TRIP SHE STARTED READING MY COPY OF THE OUTSIDERS THAT I LENDED HER !!!!!!!!!!¡!!!!!¡! (i don't care if that was an unreasonable amount of exclamation points, i am happy)
AND I ALSO INITIATED A HUG WITH HER
FUCK THE NO PDA RULE
I'M HUGGING MY FRIEND
FUCK THE AMERICAN EDUCATION SYSTEM
so yeah ♡
and then i had to eat lunch by myself
but then guess who i see?
*suspenseful mid 1950s detective film music starts playing in the background*
i see ben.
i was not happy.
he told me earlier that he didn't have 1st lunch on even days. AND THERE HE WAS. HAVING 1ST LUNCH ON GUESS WHICH DAY? AN EVEN ONE.
and like if you don't want me eating lunch with you and your friends everyday you can literally just say that . like dude there's literally no reason to lie
so then i told my friend rik about it and he's fr such the best hype man cus he was like yeah screw him don't make yourself worry about that shit
and i was like FUCK YEAH
YOU'RE RIGHT MAN
and then lunch ended
and i went to broadcast and wanted to cry and yeah if you saw the other little posts thru out the day you know why and shit lol
too tired to explain
so then science lab!
well the science and science lab rooms are connected so when i was 100% done with my science project essay i went to the science room and i saw ben
and then after asking the science teacher smth i went back to the science lab room
and i sorta just yk sat there being sad for a while bc i have no friends in that class and i started talking to my teacher bc i always sit close to her desk
yes, i am that student. i sit by the teacher, and this is why i have no real friends.
aanYwaUys-
Ben comes in the room and is just like oh i just wanted to see who's here
bitch go do your work
but i acted nice because nobody at school knows that i'm a bitch
and i'm like oh hi!
and then i just listen to my music while i try to take a nap bc my science lab teacher is cool like that
and yeah that's my whole sad day for you guys <3
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ITS MY BIRTHDAY not really we celebrated today i am going to celebrate by playing the legend of zelda tears of the kingdom
brother asked me today why i always said it like that. struggled to explain that it was for the bit
my birthday treat should be more story and maybe it will be later this evening but i have like 45 minutes lol i'm gonna see if i can clean out my citadel seeds
even tho im scaaaaared cuz i know theres hands at the top
did one of my dumb eventide shrines lol. that one was kinda fun actually! first chance i've had in ~140 hours to use the fucking homing carts lol
this well has lava in it????
SDKFJGH THE DEATH MOUNTAIN MUSIC IS PLAYING. IN THE WELL.
just kidding i didnt get back to this until 1145pm so the story will have to wait i have v little time before i Gotta be in bed and the last time i tried to cram story in before bed i stayed up an extra hour and a half
eugh, monster forces at this bridge...i could avoid them and still get the korok seed but what the hell i guess
OH THERES GUYS HERE
ohhhh they can help me thank god...i tried to look it up to see if i was supposed to wait for them but no good. im glad i spotted them before i just dove in
i'm sure this will despawn my bike tho. smh
wow yeah it sure did despawn. rip. i only have 8 fans left before i ahve to go restock AGAINNNN
i wanna finish this area before bed but that means HANDS right before BED i am so scared :(
boy, the days when you had to climb this bad boy dodging guardians...i kind of hate that they had to make it scary in both games lol. feels unfair
the temple of time music plays here :(
ok. ascended thru the roof of this cave. hand time. im gonan climb something high straight away im not even waiting for them
I SEE THEM..........
they havent aggroed me. unfortunately bc i want them to despawn lol
got my korok seed. by accident i climbed right up to it. there's still a treasure chest here though...
either my brother or cathy, sorry, can't remember which, told me a bomb arrow + lynel bow would take of these quick. so i did that. and it did.
AND NOW. PHANTOM GANON IS HERE
WHY DID I DOOOO THAT
I CANT SEE HIM!!! i hear him and he shot at me but i cant find him to fight him!!!!!
AAAAAAAA HE'S LIKE TELEPORTING AFTER ME HELP CAN YOU LITERALLY NOT RUN FROM HIM
OH THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT...HE HAS A SPEAR
GOT HIS ASS???? man that wasn't too bad at all.......i have strong weapons lol. i guess that was the point in me stopping to deep dive
this whole thing has given me a false sense of hand confidence. easy - bomb arrows and just smack phantom ganon around! that does NOT make them less scary. hubris.
YES...............my fierce deity armor!!!!
victory!! now i have to sleep lol
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I'm literally writing this from a bus (this ride is gonna be 1.5 hours long 😔) and I've been having such a long struggle and realized it's legit only been 2 days since we were having our languages convo. I'm feeling a type of way since the field trip I've been planning for months was only like 60% successful today since the weather was finicky so a third of my students never got to do activities they paid for 🥲
But I saw you posted so much!: a smau, two chapters of Love Risk, and my Changbin angst request 💕 Everything's written so well and it's helping heal me (along with the 5 Star album that I only got to listen to on the bus ride this morning because I was so exhausted last night I fell asleep literally 15 minutes before it released 😭)
I have such hopes for Love Risk Changbin since Y/n is now the one initiating spending time with him, but who knows what'll happen at Hyunjin's birthday party??? My favorite part so far (outside the romancing and drama) though is the running joke of people going over to the other apartment to beat someone up lmao. There's no way that might come back in a more serious way later on... 👀
For my angst request, you hit so close to home and it's so cathartic! Cleaning up after people and making sure they're fed is like second nature to me but it's why I really am so so tired all the time. I'm glad Changbin is trying to fix things and they didn't break up at the end, so hopefully he continues to get himself together because it's not sustainable if things always have to get worse before it gets better.
Anyways, I hope you eventually got to finish listening to the whole album and that you're having a good day and not dying like me 😵 I gotta survive another 3 weeks of school but it'll be the most stressful 3 weeks yet so I might disappear sometimes but just know I'm still reading and enjoying everything you post 😘
-👻✌️
Has it really only been 2 days? Everything is blurring together, lol. I'm sorry that the weather hasn't been good and that not all of your student could enjoy what they wanted to do during their field trip.
I did post all that, and then I also went and reorganized a bit (still have a bunch more to do) so that way my post have more of a uniform look! On top of working on other request. And at least you were rested for the field trip!
Next chapter is going to be Hyun heavy. The way I have it planned, Y/N gets one chapter that's centered with either guy. But there is also time in between time where she hangs out with them. So much has happened in the story and it's been like 3 weeks timeline wise but I might have to fix the timeline a bit after chapter 8 bc I realized I didn't space some stuff out well. But also remember, Hyun and Y/N have know each other since their 1st year of university and have been living together since their 2nd so... 👀 The dancers dorm being violent and going over to the music major's dorm to attack one of them is an accidental bit I didn't realize I wrote in until Chapter 6, lol but it's my favorite part. Poor Innie just wants to live in peace!
It's scary how well I can read people, maybe I'm a witch 🤔🧙🏾♀️. I'm glad I was able to give you what you wanted with your request. I literally have been staring at it, and the other request sitting in my asks, trying to figure out how I was going to write it out. And then boom, idk what happened. Maybe a psychic link or something. Also you said that you would leave it up to me for the ending so I went with semi fluff but I kinda like looking at it as an open ending. In my head there is one version of events where Changbin does work to fix it, but then later falls back into old habits and that's it. Another version, Y/N takes the time for herself and gets scared that Changbin might not change and then breaks it off. But I'll leave interpretation up to you!
I've literally listened to nothing by the album since I got home from the store this morning. Even at the store I was listening to it. I'm currently on my 14th run of it 😭 I literally refused to go to bed last night (this morning) until I listened to it once all the way through. But my day has been good. I'm still waiting for my two pre-orders but I went to Target this morning when they opened to go buy the Target versions but when I go there the section was empty 😭. I'm not confrontational and talking to strangers ask for help is my weakness so I was set on going home empty handed but luckily my step dad was there and he asked one of the workers and she went to the back to get me the album. She said that people were lining up for the album so she stashed some, god bless her honestly. So my days been great, I organized my skz collection bc my shelf was looking like a bomb hit it, finished your request, worked on hyung line what are we, moved onto LR bc I hurt my own feelings with what are we, and now I'm taking a small break before I get back to work. And then I'm planning to edit my thesis today and get it ready to be submitted/published.
I hope your day is looking up. And I know three weeks is a long time but I hope they fly by!
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Actually, I didn’t want to do this here bc I don’t want to be another person complaining about their husband, but I don’t have a lot of spare money for therapy at the moment and I don’t feel like I can talk to friends and family. I was nervous about that before I got married - who do I talk to when I need to talk about my marriage, my husband? I went into this not really knowing the answer. But this is my private tumblr damnit, so I need to get this out, if only for me.
Marriage is hard. And I knew it would be, even if I didn’t know specifically how. I’m trying my hardest but I don’t think I’m doing well with it. J works 60 hours a week in shipping/logistics and now that it’s the holidays, he went to work today. Who knows how many more weekends he’ll volunteer. I asked him not to, that I’ve been stressed with Teddy, but he said that the time and a half was too good to turn down. This hurts me. I know money is a huge stress factor, but it feels like he’s putting money before my sanity. I do the grocery shopping, the laundry, the cleaning, and try to manage his spending habits. I don’t want to paint him out as some loser - he is in recovery for opiate addiction from a gym injury years ago and a doctor that was too eager to prescribe him stronger and stronger meds. He’s three years clean, but his addictive behaviors show up in other ways that we’re working on. He didn’t have a good example of a healthy marriage or home/family life growing up, so I know he wants to overcome that. He tries, and I am grateful, even if I am impatient sometimes.
I had a meltdown last night because Teddy was being difficult all day. I am the one who is home with him the most - who wakes up to feed him and take him potty at 6:30 before I get ready for work. I buy his treats, prepare any snacks or puzzles for him during the day, take him for walks, feed him dinner, try to tire him out before bed. I work on training new skills and reinforcing things he’s already learned. There is mostly dirt with some patches of grass in the front yard where he goes potty so I wash his feet off daily and bathe him often. I don’t have a lot of free time bc he’s like a toddler, and some days it’s just very difficult. My MIL is home with him so I try to make things as easy for her as possible, but there are times where I feel like he’s annoying her and my FIL. So I look into obedience classes so I can get some help in the areas where I’m struggling.
I’m grateful that they let us live with them, but I’m so tired of living with my in laws. They should have been divorced 20 years ago and they snap at each other often. Their language can sound harsh sometimes when it’s a normal conversation, so I can never tell if they’re fighting or talking about the weather. My body always assumes fighting, so I try to hide in our room. But that’s difficult with a puppy. I think my FIL has dementia or something. He makes choices that are seemingly based in no logic, and it makes things stressful or difficult for everyone in the house, as he has hoarding tendencies and often leaves messes everywhere.
The house itself is quite old and has random holes and poorly done renovation that lets in bugs and pollen and so much dust. So there’s always always always something that needs to be cleaned. I’m desperate to move out but finally just replaced J’s 20 year old car so much of the savings went to the down payment. We live in Orange County and it’s just a difficult time to try and find a reasonably priced place to live.
I work in special education which wasn’t my plan, but last year the principal asked me to as a favor so I did. Even though I had no experience in special ed, it’s been alright for the most part. My schedule has changed about 8 times at random and they pull me to work wherever is needed, including things that were not in my job description. I have to be an expert on my 7 kids that I am with throughout the day. 4 of the kids are in a class where I hate the teachers management style, and that has led to a lot of disrespect from his students (not my kids) when I’m in there. Nothing gets done about this. I hate the new principal who is a raging jerk and think he’s gods gift to this earth. I don’t think I’ll stay past this year, if I make it through this year.
Earlier this year I decided I had to leave Mormonism. This has been one of the most devastating things in my life to experience. It felt like this was no longer my home, that they were becoming more extreme in beliefs that I couldn’t agree with or reconcile, that my personal beliefs didn’t align with them - the place where I learned my sense of integrity. It’s a strange thing to comprehend. Then after a lot of uncomfortable research, I realized it wasn’t true. I think there are so few experiences in life where you realize that everything is a lie, and I never expected my religion to be one of them. That has led to so much grief and an identity crisis, because the beliefs of Mormonism are so deeply intertwined with your sense of identity, how you move throughout the world, how you see others, what you think is coming after this life, what the purpose of anything is. I don’t have many answers now. I don’t know what this life is all for and must now create my own meaning. I’m also in the process of deconstructing the ways I’ve been hurt by sexuality and a strict purity culture and how this has affected my relationship with my husband. Mormonism also informs my sense of community so I’m not quite sure how to develop one outside of the church and I’m lonely at times. But the worst part is that I don’t feel like I can be honest and tell my family about it, because I am afraid of the way they will treat me, or how our relationship will change. The idea of love, in Mormonism, is somewhat conditional, so I have no idea how they will accept this news, and the ways I will disappoint them.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around this time in 2020 after a difficult year. During a recent first time meeting with a psychiatrist, she informed me that she wasn’t sure this diagnosis was correct. I have often wondered this myself, which has been uncomfortable to think that you’re making things up about yourself, like it’s for attention. She thinks I could have a lesser version of it, as more people are starting to view bipolar as a spectrum, but at the very least, she says it’s some sort of mood disorder. All I know is that several times a year, I think I’m going insane. I try my damndest to keep my emotions under control, and wish I could get credit for how hard I try to be nice to others and to not destroy my own life regularly.
It’s not bad all the time. Some beautiful light is shining through the window right now. I live somewhere that keeps me warm at night and relatively safe. I have people who love me, even if they live far away. I’m listening to good music. Christmas is coming. I’m working on our room with holiday decorations so I can enjoy them. My car is running. We have food to eat. In this moment I am happy to get this all off my chest and give myself space to realize that I am sad about a lot of things, both yearning and contented. That is life, I suppose.
#read for some emo girl hours diary entry stuff i guess#this isn’t really for anyone but it feels so much better to let it out and to be witnessed by someone
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