New Horizons (Park Seonghwa) (Ch. 3)

Chapter 3: Scorpions

Pairing: Park Seonghwa x Fem!Reader

Words: 3.5K+

Warning(s): insecurities and discussion of insecurities, angst, someone's rude to MC :( (None of the guys), slight hurt/comfort, dumbdumbs in love but dont realize each others feelings

A/N: Here is chapter 3. I think this one is the second hardest to write (The fourth chapter is kicking my ass rn). I'm not sure how I am feeling about this chapter? I had like three/four different ideas for it. Sooo I did a 'spin the wheel' and went with what it landed on for this lol. I feel like this is the weakest chapter but it has some charm. Regardless, I hope you all enjoy <3

Reader is implied to be living in the US bc uh TIMEZONES ARE FUCKY and i didnt realize how reliant i was on mine (PST) when looking up KST

Summary: Attempting an all-nighter while playing Animal Crossing alongside your bias, you didn't expect your turnip prices to be such a high amount... nor did you expect Park Seonghwa to actually accept your offer to sell his turnips on your island.

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"I can't tell her, Woo." Seonghwa sighed.

Wooyoung nearly ripped out his hair at the very similar phrase he has heard you tell him before. The others all groaned as they lounged around in the recording room, 10 minutes before they needed to start recording and re-recording lines for their last song on the next album.

It was now February, two months since Seonghwa figured out his feelings towards you that night you fell asleep on video call. He immediately told Wooyoung the next day he had been right and ever since then, the younger has been trying to push Hwa into confessing. He even tried assuring the older male that you most likely returned his feelings without giving away you told Wooyoung you developed a crush on Hwa just a few days before Hwa told him.

Woo's mind thought back to his conversation with you a week ago.

"I don't think he likes me like that, Woo. No matter how much you tell me." He heard you say with a dejected tone through the call. He had snuck away on his own during practice, having the choreography down before the others. "I mean, I met him as a fan. I don't want him to think I offered him to sell turnips for this outcome."

"I don't think he assumes any ulterior motives, (Y/N)." He said softly. "He speaks fondly of you."

"And that's another thing. He is Seonghwa. He is the super kind, very lovable, handsome, and talented guy who loves to mimic his villagers, build Legos, and is an all around great person. It's hard not to fall in love with him... and then there is me. The average looking, college student working at the local bookstore. I feel so inadequate-"

"Hey. Don't speak like that about yourself." He scolded, his tone and facial expression serious. "You are amazing. You are beautiful. You've been a great friend and we all deeply appreciate and love you."

"Sorry." You sigh. "I just... I want to believe you, but it's hard, you know?"

"I get it, I do. Just... keep thinking on it, okay?" Wooyoung smiled sadly. He could see the self-doubt was still eating at you and his words didn't fully penetrate the self-conscious wall you built up. He just hoped you'd keep holding out long enough for him to try and push Seonghwa into confessing.

"Okay, why not then?" Yuhno asked, exasperated.

"It's clear she only views me as a friend. And I am fine with that."

"You don't know that for sure, hyung." San offered a kind smile.

"Are you guys sure (Y/N) likes me like that?" Hwa gave them each a pointed look. Everyone tried arguing that it was clear to them you did, though the only one who knew for sure was Wooyoung. "I... I truly come to appreciate her and every time we speak I feel like I am falling further and further for her. She is sweet, funny, gorgeous, and I feel my heart is always about to burst when talking with her..."

"He's a love sick puppy." Yeosang teased, making everyone chuckle. The eldest's face adorned a bright blush but he made no attempt argue against the notion.

"It's adorable seeing you crush so hard on someone, hyung." Mingi cooed.

"Why not try and talk to her now? It should be..." Hongjoong looked at the time, seeing that it was nearly 10am for them. "... about 6pm for her. Try gauging her feelings for you and bring up wanting her to visit next month for her spring break."

"I don't know..." The eldest unlocked his phone and had your contact pulled up. Wooyoung immediately moved spots and sat next to Seonghwa.

"Seonghwa-hyung, just go for it. We are all here cheering you on." Jongho smiled softly and the others nodded in agreement.

"And its not like your confessing now either. We've told you the signs, now watch for them." Wooyoung added. The others decided to join in on the call, hoping to catch anything that gave away you had feelings for their friend.

Seonghwa took in a deep breath before slowly exhaling as he pressed the call button. He felt two large hands on both shoulders pat him and give a firm squeeze as he slowly extended his arm to make sure everyone could be visible to some extent. He felt anxiety building up with each ring, waiting anxiously for you to pick up.

They all smile when you finally pick up. You were sitting at your desk, adding what looked like the finishing touches of your makeup on your face. You looked at the camera with a small smile before you looked down, picking up a tube of lipstick.

"Hello boys. Usually you text me before you start a call. What's going on?" You ask, eyes flickering to the phone again before you focus on your hand mirror.

Seonghwa felt Wooyoung nudge him off camera. "I wanted to check in on you, (Y/N), and they all decided to join me."

"Aw, really?" Your face seemingly brightened at the fact and the eldest could feel Jongho on his left excitedly tap his leg.

"Compliment her, Hwa." Hongjoong hissed into his ear, a toothy grin was on his face as an attempt to mask any suspicion.

"Did one of you say something?"

"O-oh it must of cut out." Seonghwa nervously chuckled. "I said you look amazing. Is there a special occasion going on?"

You got a bit bashful and smiled, though everyone could tell it didn't fully reach your eyes. "I got asked out on a date."

Seonghwa felt like he was punched in the gut.

But his face remained soft with a smile.

"Really? Who is the person?" He asked, his voice steady.

The others eyed him in concern but did their best to mask it while on video.

"His name is Charlie. He is in my English course this semester. We worked on some in-class assignments together a few times before he asked me out today."

"I'm happy to hear. Well, we better get going. We are about get to recording." Hongjoong could pick up some shakiness in Hwa's voice. "Have fun and please periodically message me, just to give me peace of kind on your safety."

"Thank you, Seonghwa, and I will." You gave them a wave goodbye before hanging up the phone.

It was silent in the room. Seonghwa slowly lowered his arm, resting his phone and hands in his laps. The smile he had dropped just as slowly as he took in a deep, trembling breath.

"Hwa, are you okay?" Hongjoong hesitated, placing his hand on his friends shoulder.

"Yes. I'm fine, Joong." He asserted, getting up from the couch.

"Are you sure?" San asked.

Languidly, the eldest turned to face the rest. Their breaths caught in their throats. His eyes were full of tears, his lips were quivering as he still maintained his smile.

"I told you guys I am just a friend to her. And I will be fine with that." He sniffled, one tear rolling down his cheek. He hastily wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. "Please, lets drop it and get work done today."

"Of course, hyung." Yuhno spoke with a comforting voice and stood up, wrapping an arm around the older males shoulders. "Lets grab some waters together." Carefully, the taller of the two led Hwa out of the room. The second the door closed, everyone exhaled.

"Maybe...Maybe we were wrong." Jongho mumbled.

"No we weren't." Wooyoung insisted, pulling out his phone.

"Wooyoung-" San tried to speak but the younger male kept talking.

"We weren't! (Y/N) told me herself she likes Seongwa!" The others watched as he called you, pressing speakerphone.

The phone rung a few times when they hear the line click.

"It's just me, (Y/N)." Woo gave the others a look to be quiet. "What was that? What do you mean date?"

"Exactly that, Youngie." You sighed, your voice sounding as if it lacked any confidence.

"But you like Seonghwa... You love him."

"... I do." The others in the room looked at each other in shock, their eyes wide.

"Then why did you agree to the date, (Y/N)?"

There was a moment of tense silence before you spoke again, starting your sentence off with a sniffle.

"Because I can't logically believe he likes me the same way. He just see's me as a friend and I just feel so inadequate to be on any level with him." You faltered. "I don't have any particular feelings for Charlie but I... I just wanted to try to get over loving Hwa."

"(Y/N)..."

"I need to get going Woo. I'll... message you tomorrow." Before he could say anything more you hung up.

The room was just as tense as before. No one knew what to say. Wooyoung pressed his lips tightly together as he kept his own tears at bay. When they heard the door open everyone else started getting up and getting ready to start recording. Seonghwa looked to have calmed down. Wooyoung refused to look at his oldest hyung until he could calm down.

---

After the video call with Ateez and the call with Wooyoung, you decided to try to to push any negative thought aside and finish getting ready. You put together a outfit that wasn't too fancy but still looked nice. You styled your hair the way you liked most for things like this. Overall, despite the heavy heart, you felt cute. You left your place with an Uber, figuring you may have something alcoholic to drink, with enough time to get to the restaurant on time, sending a message to Seonghwa letting him know you were heading there...

You glanced at the clock on your phone for the umpteenth time. It had been an hour since your uber dropped you off at the restaurant, 50 minutes since you were sat down at a table, and 35 minutes since that sinking feeling in your gut that you had been stood up started kicking in.

You sighed dejectedly as you finished paying for the meal you ordered. You may have been stood up but you weren't going to let that stop you from a nice meal. Luckily your waitress was kind and nobody paid you much mind. You felt that any pity sent your way would make you feel worse.

You slowly walked outside the restaurant, your phone out as you get ready to order another uber, when you heard loud cackling. Your head turned to the left and just a few cars down in the parking lot was Charlie in a car full of people. They were all laughing and looking at you.

It felt like a bucket of ice water was poured over you.

Ignoring them and the button to confirm the uber, you started walking in the direction of your apartment. You needed to get away. You could feel your chest tightening with humiliation and panic.

"Oh come on, (Y/N). It was a joke!" You heard Charlie yell but you just kept walking. You heard the car roar with life and could hear from their rolled down window various jokes directed at you.

They all cackled and decided that was enough teasing. Charlie then nearly squealed his tires as he drove away. The tears you kept at bay finally spilled over. You hiccupped as you glanced down at your phone. It was 8pm for you, which meant it would be around noon for him.

You didn't think, really. You just knew you needed to hear his low toned, comforting voice. You opened your phone and immediately dialed Seonghwa, pressing your cell to your ear as you walked back to your place. You felt pathetic but you knew you needed to speak to someone or else you would be a sobbing mess if you were left to stew.

---

It was lunch time in the canteen area at KQ when Seonghwa heard his phone ring. His brows furrowed when he saw your name on the screen. He finished his last bite and quickly wiped off any possible crumbs on his hands with a napkin.

"Didn't she leave for her date like an hour ago?" Mingi tilted his head, everyone else had a confused look.

Seonghwa pressed the green answer button and raised his phone to his ear.

"(Y/N)?" His voice with smooth and low. "You're calling me so soon-"

"Seonghwa..." He heard your voice trembling, making him freeze. His face must of gave away to the others something was wrong, as they stared at him intently.

"Hold on, (Y/N). Let me go somewhere private." He quickly got up fron his seat and wasted no time getting into the hallway where there were less people. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"I-I got stood up." You sniffled.

"What?"

"I sat there for an hour looking like a fool. And then... And then I went to leave and I saw him outside in his car with his friends." Seonghwa could feel his blood start to boil with anger. "They laughed at me. They made fun of me." He could hear you take in a shuddering breath.

"Where are you now?"

"I'm walking home..."

"How long until you get back?"

"Maybe... Maybe 10 or 15 more minutes?"

"Stay on the phone with okay? I want to make sure you get home safe." He needed to take deep breaths to stay calm. In the corner of his eye he saw the others leave the canteen, though they stayed back, giving him and you some privacy.

"I just don't get what I did wrong to-"

"You did nothing wrong, (Y/N). Don't start blaming yourself for some asshole's behavior." He glanced to his friends, feel a pinch of confidence. "You are a wonderful person. It's his loss."

There was silence for a moment.

"Did I interrupt work?" You asked in a small voice.

"No, I was just finishing lunch. Did you eat?"

"I had something small after I realized he wasn't showing up." Hwa felt some relief when he heard your voice getting steady. "I'll probably have some ice cream when I get home."

"It better not be mint chocolate chip." He joked and smiled when he heard you giggle. "You really did look amazing, by the way. You should send me and the group chat any selfies if you took any. I'm sure the others would like to see the full look."

"Really?" Your voice was meek.

"I would never lie to you... You truly look beautiful. You always do."

"Thank you, Hwa. I really needed to hear that, especially from you." He could hear your voice tremble again.

"Don't start crying because of me, jagiya." He gently teased, the petname slipping out seamlessly.

"Where are the others?"

"They are watching me down the hallway I'm in." He looked over and saw that they were still there. Wooyoung, San, and Jongho kept their eyes on him while the others were looking at their phones, occasionally looking back at the eldest.

"Am I keeping-"

"I want to be talking with you. They can all wait." Seonghwa huffed, which pulled a giggle from you. He was glad he was able to get you to cheer up, even if it was a miniscule amount. "They are very concerned for you though."

"You can tell them what happened. Woo will bug me when he can until I tell him."

"He is good at that isn't he?"

"Too good." You snort.

There was another moment of silence before Hwa spoke again.

"How close are you to home?"

"Uh..." You pause. "I'm pretty close. I'm passing the park thats nearby. I'll probably be there in two minutes."

"Good." He hummed. "I'm glad you called me."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Besides enjoying the sound of your voice, I am glad you felt comfortable enough during this vulnerable time to reach out to me. It warms my heart."

"I'm glad you answered."

"For you? Always. Well, unless I am on stage or Joong is lecturing us." He couldn't help but beam when he got you to laugh again.

"I see my apartment. I'm walking up to the door now." Hwa heard your keys jingle in your hand. "I'll let you go now. Thank you for everything, Hwa."

"It wasn't a problem at all. I'll check in on you when I have the time okay?"

"You don't have to." He faintly heard you unlocking the door and then heard the door close.

"I want to." He smiled. "Get comfortable, have that ice cream, and smile for me okay, (Y/N)? I'll talk to you soon. Have a goodnight in case you fall asleep."

"Have a good rest of your day, Hwa." There was a lingering pause before you ended the call.

Seonghwa let out a deep sigh, his face dropping into a scowl as he pocketed his phone. The rest of Ateez took that as a sign to approach him. They nearly froze when they saw the angry look on his face.

"I'm going to need one of you to stop me from buying plane tickets right now." Hwa muttered.

"What happened?"

"Why are you so upset?"

"Is (Y/N) okay?"

Were questions all asked at the same time.

"Let's get back to the recording studio first." Hongjoong offered. It took a lot of restraint for them to not run down the hallways.

The second that door closed to the studio, everyone turned to look at Seonghwa, who still looked pissed off. He sat down on the couch staring past the glass that viewed the recording booth. He needed to take a moment to calm himself down.

"Did something happen to our dear (Y/N)?" Wooyoung sat next to the older male, looking at him with desperate eyes.

"She called me crying, saying her date stood her up." Seonghwa finally spoke. Everyone let out shocked noises and some curses. "That's not even the worst of it. She said he and his friends were waiting for her to come outside to make fun of her."

Wooyoung pulled out his cellphone. "I'm buying you and I plane tickets."

"Count me in, I want to beat that guys ass for making her upset." San sat on the other side of Seonghwa.

Hongjoong quickly snatched Wooyoung's phone.

"Hey-!"

"You won't be making a spontaneous trip to her place and you all are definitely not going off to fight this guy." He said, using his captain voice.

"Come on, hyung. It'll be worth it." Jongho tried bargaining but quickly stopped at the look he got from their leader.

"Seonghwa." Seonghwa's attention was on Hongjoong's face after he called his name. "You already did most of your recording today. Unless you want to hang out with those who still need to record and need to re-record, or do some choreography practice with Yuhno, you should head back to the dorm and spend some time with (Y/N)."

"Thank you, Joong." Seonghwa smiled and gathered his belongings.

"We want to spend time with her too." Wooyoung whined.

"Too bad. You're assisting Yuhno after you re-record your lines." The eldest male smiled at his friends playful banter as he left the room.

He quickly fished out his cell and called you as he walked down the hallway. He was heading to his managers office to get home. He wasn't entirely sure if he had the confidence to confess right now, nor did he want to spring on a confession to you after the night you had... but he wanted to let you know he would be there for you. That he would never let you feel less than or alone. That stupid guy lost his chance and Hwa wanted to be the one treasure you. He was going to confess and tonight would be the start to his plan to do so.

"Seonghwa?" Your voice sounded confused when you quickly answered.

"Hongjoong is giving me the rest of the day off. Do you want to watch a movie with me? Or we can play Animal Crossing? Whatever you want, I want to do it with you." He took in a deep breath. "I'll even pick up mint chocolate chip ice cream and we can eat it together."

You laughed. "Sure, I would love that."

There was a pause in the conversation. Seonghwa was now waiting in front of the manager's office.

"I have a question for you, (Y/N)." He wanted to wait for later to ask his question but Seonghwa felt he had the confidence to ask now.

"What is it?"

"You said you took time off work for your spring break next month, right?"

"Yes, I have the Friday before that week off to Monday after it. Why do you ask?"

"Come visit me." He was shocked he got it out.

"What?"

"Come to Korea and visit me. I'll help pay for the flight and you can stay with us at the dorm. Is the issue with your passport?"

"My passport is fine." You sighed and took a moment before speaking again. "Are you sure, Hwa? Are the others okay with that? What about-"

"Everything will be fine. The others, our manager, and I have already discussed this in length and will probably want to discuss with you later."

"Well..." You didn't speak, which had Seonghwa feeling rejection would soon follow. "I would love to."

"...Is this a yes?"

"Yes it is." You chuckled. "I've been actually thinking of planning a visit after I graduate in May, but honestly, the sooner the better."

"Make sure to message the others about this, they'll be so happy." He smiled, unable to hide his excitement. "I am about to leave the office here soon. I will call you when I am back at the dorm."

"Get back safely."

"Of course. I will talk to you soon."

"And- Fuck!" You swore loudly.

"Is something wrong?" Worry seeped into his veins at how your voice sounded.

"I got stung by scorpion while island hopping."

Taglist: @stopeatread@hee0soo@pocketjoong-reads@seonghwaddict@tridkeys

AGRHRHHAHAHAHA SUMIRE MY LOVE MY LIFE MY CUTIE PIE ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

cw; charoc, deprezone mentioned every 2 minute bc im miserable and I cannot shut up im so sorry. Also sorry if I sound super OOC and goofy, im fucking high and hormones are acting up 🥹

Almost 2 months worth of waiting well deserved, I can feel my deprezon disappeared instantly (it does not) 😭😭😭😭🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

Ok 1 cms finally got updated, only 2 more in line 🥲

Also since ion wanna make a seperate post and I don't think i will be finishing these anytime soon, heres my supposed to be LNY + Haitham bday + Valentine all in one celebration packet.

I promise I did try to get out of bed instead of wasting and rotting away, I really did, but idk what happened either. I blinked and spring break is coming to an end already ueueueuru 😭🙏 (please ignore the broken perspective I'm not satisfied with the composition so I changed some parts without fixing it properly so-)

Good news is, I made it out of the confinements of my room on Haitham bday (yay!!!) (i love you Z i appreciate so much 🥹)

But rlly tysm Z you will never know how much I appreciate you, you really made my day 🙏

This girlie is being made into a mochi/stuffed doll?? idk keychain thingy. Since the seller doesnt rlly do the accessories imma do it myself when the bbg arrives home

Also 20+ merchs that I brought in like one day 🥲

Aaaand the fic that was supposed to be uploaded either on Haitham bday or on Valentine Day, but never got finished. The plot, the flow & which (and what kind of) stuff is going to be in it is all decided; I also did a smol study as well as a deep dive into Alhaitham's character (which tbh made me question even more than when I first started 🥹 I do have a draft rambling about his character & my take on his charac here but idk if I should post it, I feel like I ramble too much its annoying). But idk.

Maybe it's the hormones and periri go bvrrom bvroom thats making me more vulnerable and insecure, but I keep going back to proofread them, then rewrite a few sentences there and fix some phrasing then. Yet I keep feeling unsatisfied with the result and keep going back to beta it, and before I knew time's up 🥲

Honestly?

I hate being the object of someone else's jealousy/insecurity. I absolutely hate it. Everytime I catch the real intentions and tone behind someone's saying (which are envious directed at me), I can feel myself loathing increases a little more. It doesn't just simply feel like they are jealous of me, it feels like they hate life for being unfair and ultimately hate me too.

I have always disliked that.

Yet I keep feeling inadequate with everyone's expectations and ended up feeling insecure about everything and everyone in the process 🥲. Everytime I look at someone celebrating Haitham's bday or Feb 14th with Haitham, I cant help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is my love enough? Am I enough for him? Is it acceptable for me to do it? Am I even enough at all? Stuff like that. Then I cant bear to look at my fic, my art, or anyone else's fanwork for that matter.

I dont know anymore. I feel like this silly little fictional crush is dumb 🥲 Maybe I should just abandon everything then disappear to somewhere else to choke on mud and die

(/j ik im not mentally stable rn so im refraining from doing anything artistic at all, bc i know for a fact my perfectionist will kicks in 🥹 then I'll hate myself even more for not producing something up to my standards.)

(Psst. Beside my death cannot be that unsightly no? I'm perfect in everyone's eyes, my death should be pretti and adorned with flowers & ton of enviable accomplishments too :D)

KK.

P/s KK here LOOK AT HER LIL AHOGEEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK DEPRESSION WHOS THAT MY OC IS SO CUTE 😭😭😭💖💖💖

just outlined what work I gotta do what day to have everything finished in time and if I die just know this semester is why

a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm

[the soft boi list is here and truly i’m not surprised this rec is going to be the longest bc if there’s one thing a bitch is going to do, it’s yearn.

as always! if you love a fic, follow the authors, leave kudos & comments, send them nice msgs bc free art is still labor xoxo]

part 3: soft bois

mood: for when I need respite, a balm to the all-consuming shittiness of life

includes: fluff, comfort, low-stakes, slow-burn fics. a wistful look, a rainy morning, an unexpected grace, a stupidly disarming joke. i could live inside these fics. the smallness of human lives removed from the site of that which hurts & irreparably changes. the story-equivalent of a deep breath after a long day. pregnant silences & pensive mundanity & shy smiles. banter with bite but without the cruelty. the color lavender. weirdly whimsical. soft fics are not necessarily conflict-averse (no drarry fic rly can be, considering the context) but, they offer the reader a generous distance from the initial harm. they’re the quiet cleaning up after a storm. sometimes healing is an exacting surgical knife and other times it’s a slow scabbing. you read these fics to be reassured that the way forward is not always ruthless. and honestly?? they deserve a semblance of peace godDAMmit.

The Way Down by @letteredlettered - 65k - T “and I thought that if someone talked to you as though you were a human being you might—maybe you could act like one” --the way i think about this line daily. the characterization of draco in this fic is one my favorites bc he’s earnest and neurotic and tired of harry’s shit. which is to say, he cares so so much. and harry doesn’t know what to do with that bc he’s got a monster in his chest and lives as a recluse. but they both humanize each other in ways no one else can. “you’re just a person” has to be some kind of drarry ethics of belonging and it makes me CRY. -

Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them by @greaseonmymouth and dustmouth - 96k - T “Maybe it’s not about deserving it? Maybe you just get to have it anyway. . .I’m allowing myself to want something and to let myself have it and to fight for it.” --harry runs a daycare and also works at a library. draco spends a lot of time in said library. they bond over sci-fi books and therapy anecdotes and quiet philosophical conversations held over cafeteria soup. and harry’s struggling to understand his asexuality. draco’s learning how to live with anxiety and depression. they both want to be deserving of love. incredible fic with beautiful art by dustmouth. - 

Open for Repairs by @drarrytrash - 35k - T “A few leaves rustle in the gutter and the muggle world pays no mind to them, to two lost boys holding on for dear life.” --all of their fics feel exactly like this. like you’ve been allowed to look at something private, tender, unexpected. draco, known abba fan, is a repairman in the muggle world & harry can’t stop breaking thrifted things in order to see him? say less, i'm thERE. also “I think I have a crush on you” goddddd  - other faves by them: Counting Down By Ten - 2k - T: draco’s stepped outside of the party for a smoke. harry follows him bc of course he does. i could read this 100 times and not get tired of it. - Clouds That Veil the Midnight Moon - 36k - E: FUCKING HILARIOUS I CACKLED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. draco’s wolfy problem and harry helping him and harry being flustered by how much he likes draco and draco’s hot heroic moment. shutup it’s perfect. “He almost asks if Draco ever gets tired of being a miserable complaining shit all the time, but he knows that he, personally, never ever gets tired of being a miserable complaining shit.” and “It’s the traumas,” Harry says gravely” --lines that live rent free in my head -

Harry Potter and the Future He Doesn't Really Want, Thanks by seefin - 70k - E “That was the only logical thing to do here, wasn’t it? It was the next step, it was the end of hurting each other and the beginning of the exact opposite.” --harry lives with luna and neville and also he dreams about the future sometimes? and he keeps running into draco. draco thinks this is sus as hell, until he doesn’t. feat. taxi rides, museums, cinemas, rooftop conversations beneath a lunar eclipse, mid-sex innocuous banter, draco and harry discussing nicki minaj. this fic charmed my ass off. seefin writes the most effortlessly hilarious dialogues. i smiled at my phone like an idiot at least 7 times. -  other faves by them: Wild - 93k - E: “he liked feeling needed, for the things that he was needed for back at the house in Ireland. For cooking and gardening and driving. Easy things.” --this shit makes me cry it’s so good. harry lives in Ireland with these three brilliant, hilarious, wandless witches and draco’s a potions student who's come to study under one of the housemates and the boys have so much shit to work through but their love becomes so tender and honest. draco yells at harry a lot and harry lets him and they both keep each other grounded in something real and fuCK.  - Divination for Dickheads - 7k - G: “I’m terrible at having crushes. I’ve never played anything cool a day in my life.” -- oh harry, we knOW. a bus ride, a fortune teller, an aquarium birthday party. god i love this fic. -

Modern Love by @tackytigerfic​ - 61k - E “But we’ve worked so hard at this, haven’t we? Yeah, I know it’s a horror to have to talk about it, but fuck it. We’re friends now, but it took so long to get here. Have you ever had to work so hard at something before?" --the steady blossoming of their friendship in this fic is so goddamn beautiful i want to yell. it’s draco and harry learning to trust each other and the whole thing unfolds so slowly, in this whimsical mix of london streets, wizarding politics, church halls feat. a Hot vicar, and a magical antique shop owner who’s married to literal poseidon?? goD the environment of this fic. immaculate. [also there’s a tender shower scene that makes me cry every single fucking time so if you read this fic pls dm me so we can be embarrassing about it together tbh] -

Nice Things by aideomai - 22k - M “He kept waiting for the weird shock of touch to not knock him clean out of his head, leave him quiet and warm and happy.” --8th year. harry forms an unlikely friendship with draco that begins with smoking weed on a windowsill. harry is touch-starved and draco touches him like he touches all his close friends - like it’s easy. the quiet affection in this fic, the way harry burrows himself into touch bc he’s been without it for his entire life. reading this is like being held. -

Running On Air by @tinyhistory​ - 74k - T “do you remember when we were eleven?” --alexa play coldplay’s the scientist it’s sad girl hours and we’re about to fucking yearn. you’ve seen this fic rec on every drarry list under the sun and i'm here to be redundant. the hype is so goddamn real. this story is a lyrical masterpiece held together by lines that act as refrains that will rattle around your brain until you die, probably. draco’s been missing for 3yrs. harry goes to find him. it’s their odyssey of homecoming. -

Title of Their Sex Tape by @cibeewastaken - 12k - T “But Draco, Draco was everything but boring. Draco made sitting in the rain watching an empty house fun.” --auror partners pining and draco being eccentric and harry being very earnestly gay about draco’s eccentricities!! god this fic is so genuinely fun skskd feat. undercover missions, murderous faeries, a book heist, a stunning navy dress, harry’s eyelashes. -

How We Throw Our Shadows Down by @thistle-verse - 14k - T “Draco is about to say something else— to thank Potter for what he’d done, however poorly— but Harry is smiling at him again, and it’s so soft and perfect that Draco holds in any inadequate words, lest he spoil it.” --draco collects tea cozies and of course harry has the one he wants. the sad and tender gays are at it again feat. conversations in the rain at a train station, melancholy Blaise, muggle photos, wizarding e-bay, the Dursleys.  -

Helix by Saras_Girl - 92k - E “Draco sighs in his sleep and Harry clings on to consciousness, needing to hold on, to give this tiny, insignificant moment the attention it deserves” --I think maybe you can describe every soft Saras_Girl story as giving tiny, insignificant moments the attention they deserve. like, this is an 8th year fic about snails and it’s full of whimsy, grief, compassion, and easy humor. an absolute must-read author in this genre if you want languorous, episodic fics full of distinct OCs and affectionate creatures. - other faves by them: Light up the Night Sky - 98k - M “Draco, sometimes you make my head feel like soup” --the one where harry is a fireworks artist and has a pet chameleon named ken. draco is on the wizarding arts council. they both pine like hell. - Headlights in the Snow - 71k - M “they stare at each other in silence, Harry’s heart beating so loud in his chest that he thinks the biddies must be able to hear it over the sound of their card game.” --the one where draco drives the knight bus and carts around the biddy club, a group of rambunctious old ladies who knit and drink tea and gossip. harry can’t help but fall in love with the everything about this. -

Follow the Water by @xanthippe74 - 38k - T “Harry’s heavy thoughts lift at the sight, like dark clouds blown away from the sun by the wind. The tent doesn’t feel so cramped and stifling now. It feels cozy. And safe. It’s the same feeling that Harry gets when he’s at the Burrow for Sunday roasts, when a group of people who care for each other deeply are crammed into too-small a space.” --harry wanders to the lovegood house on a sunday afternoon. he’s baffled to see that luna’s taken pansy, greg, and draco under her wing. what follows is a summer of forest walks, scavenger hunts, gardening, water fights, odd cakes, faerie rings, and picnics. so many picnics. i love the pace of this fic, the innocent return to childhood things, the way luna brings out the best in all her friends. reluctantly soft slytherins are just *chefs kiss*!! -

Going Postal (A 125pg comic) by dustmouth - T what. a. beautiful. ass. comic. the wizarding fashion, the textures, the character design!! harry travels a lot for his job as a resourcer. draco works in the regulations dept. they pine like a bunch of lovesick idiots via field report notes. god i love dustmouth’s art. -

All the Earnest Young Men by @tepre​ - 29k - E “Draco is twenty-seven layers of personality wrapped up in drama and humour, and a wit so sharp it still stings when he doesn’t see it coming. But there is something below that, too. Something that makes Harry ache just looking at him.” --the way i would lay down my little life for tepre’s characterization of draco, whom invented the word earnest. he’s a magical art theory expert and portraits are disappearing all over London and harry’s the auror assigned to this case. and well. they’re both so very avoidant about how gay they are for each other and it’s like!! shutup and kiss!! which they do in fact, shutup and kiss.  -

Trenches by sara_holmes - 3k - M “Somewhere in the distant part of his mind that hasn't frozen solid, he thinks that maybe he and Draco are about to become more than auror partners, smoking buddies, wine-mates and co-inhabitants of a snow filled trench somewhere in western Scotland.” --the plot line here is literally “it’s cold and i need a fucking cigarette” but let me tell you how I never tire of the shared loaded-silences of two emotionally repressed gays. -

The Years Before Love by lomonaaeren - 13k - M “That’s one of the meanings of peace, he thinks, as Hermione hugs him...That he can do things slowly, softly, without worrying that they won’t be there tomorrow.” --andromeda taking harry under her wing and harry finding solace in teddy. narcissa and draco showing up and the tentative relationships that slowly develop in the quiet calm of andromeda’s house. found families and kisses in the snow and special xmas gifts ugh what’s not to love -

The Moon Looks Lovely Tonight by Omi_Ohmy - 35k - M “I want this to be a house where people are welcome, where they don’t have to be any one way or another” --in which harry collects lost things--owls, best friends, inept bakers, potions experimenters--and turns the mausoleum that is grimmauld place into a home. feat. your fave drarry tropes like shared-beds and reluctant waltzing partners. -

[part 1: thrillers | part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]

Hello i was wondering if I could request a headcannon for dating killua or gon (you can choose who bc i can't)😆😆😆😆

ahh! i can’t decide either!

...

how about both? :)

pairings: gon + reader & killua + reader

warnings: none!

gon freecss

now...

this relationship is definitely a rollercoaster

gon is a naturally hyper and out-going person

which means-

you’d have to adjust in some way

your relationship is built on pure trust in each other

no trust - no way of getting through to him

he relies on people too easily - so it isn’t hard for you to nudge yourself into his life

the two of you had known each other since the start of the hunter exam

from there on - your years spent together morphed into the realization that you two exchanged mutual feelings

therefore - causing the two of you to become a couple

gon as a boyfriend is an interesting concept to think about

he loves conversations

give this kid a topic and he could talk to you about it for days

he’s a social person - it runs through his veins

not from ging though

an upside of gon’s unique personality is that he’s practically always happy

rarely do you see him reflect any other emotion

excluding the chimera ant arc

he’s a positive outlook on your life

you admire him - he stays optimistic through difficult times

for one-

when going through the journey of finding his father, he hardly got frustrated

a determined grin was plastered on his face the whole time

he’s ready for almost anything - it’s frightening... but admittedly admirable

if you’re in the slumps, gon will try to talk to you and lift your mood

motivational words can be spoken from him

impressive, given his lack of the ability in grasping information

you think his short-circuits are cute, though

gon practically worships the ground you walk on

he’s very blunt - so sometimes when he verbally expresses his feelings it can catch you by surprise

he loves watching the flustered look on your face though

when he introduces you to somebody, he always says “this is my my girlfriend, y/n!”

clearly, he’s proud to call you his

vice versa

but of course - there’s downsides to every relationship

as seen from numerous occasions-

gon can be selfish.

this can sometimes apply to your own relationship, as dreadful as it sounds

the worst part is that half the time, he doesn’t realize the effects of his actions

or - maybe he plays clueless

you can’t tell the difference

skipping dates, leaving you abruptly, or forgetting events are all occasional occurrences that could be expected from him

at times, he does things to only gain for his benefit

he genuinely forgets important things

most of the time, he has something else on his mind that he deems is worth more impotance

though, that doesn’t entirely mean that YOU aren’t important to him

you’re his s/o! he loves you to death

it’s just that if he craves something, he’s willing to risk everything he has just to obtain it

killua zoldyck

bless the both you

a relationship with killua would be packed with pure teasing and shy exchanges

killua isn’t much of a verbally or physically expressive person- he much rather keep his thoughts to himself

but you’re there to help him

so you do

overtime, you two build an emotional attachment to one another

this is when he realizes that he’d much rather stay with you for the rest of his life than be limited to being good friends

so you become his s/o

dating killua is much like being in a relationship with your best friend

the two of you click amazingly

your favorite thing about him?

he’s an AMAZING listener

and he gives the best hugs

no one can convince me otherwise

if he listens to you, you’re gonna have to listen to him

that is, if he wants to talk

killua’s past is traumatic - it’s clear. he doesn’t like to talk much about it, though it’s apparent that’s it’s damaged him in the long-run

he’s scared of commitment, and new things make him wary

but you’re here to coach him through it all! :)

i feel like he’d eventually open up after a bit

and i also get the feeling that he’d tear-up while doing so

he’s so touch-starved, please give him affection

he tries to play it off cool and act like he dislikes it, but secretly he savors all of your touches

you make him so happy

his world is content when you’re there

much like yours is when he’s there

killua likes to tease you a lot

he’ll never go to far! he knows his limits

but he does enjoy seeing you fake-roll your eyes at him

it makes him smile so wide

you’re genuinely perfect to him aw

now!

in the hunter world - there is bound to be some evil lurking

being in constant avoidance of his family - killua tries his best to ensure you never meet any other zoldyck that isn’t alluka or milluki (and maybe kalluto) - aka his least threatening family members

from illumi’s perspective - you could possibly be inadequate for killua

which grants your name in his list of targets

quite obviously, this doesn’t sit well with killua AT ALL

sure, it had been a while since he had seen or heard from illumi, but he still wasn’t sure if he was stronger than him

back when he had confronted him at the hunter exam, he was a pure shrimp compared to him

but now - needless and powerful with nen, he’s positive he could put up some fight

he’ll keep you protected at all costs

it doesn’t matter if you can fight for yourself - he’ll step in anyway

any fight, any problem

it’s sweet of him, though you can’t help but feel he thinks of you as incapable of fighting your own battles

you’re sure he doesn’t mean to come off that way

also! you are by far alluka’s favorite person

sorry killua

the three of you go on adventures all the time, and you never as for a better group to be with

What headcanons you have in request box actually? I'm really curious lol. Have nice day btw, I love your work!!!!!

Okay, so usually I put some in a doc and then like figure it out from there so if you've sent one in and haven't seen it, don't worry, it'll be done and added once I make a dent lmao. These are also a mix of hc and fics. Some I'm like part way through so ye

There also might be some that I might not do because its vague, like I'm given just the prompt and I don't know what to do with it or there's just no ideas that come to mind so I really am sorry.

Upcoming ones:

Met with Dia and he said “how else will you please me?” And I think it awoke something in me?? Can I request Diavolo with a bashful innocent MC and him just laying back and letting her have his way with him? But of course he’s a total dom so he’s gonna take control but just has a little fun letting her take the reins to start with? Hi. I just found your stuff and you write so well for Obey Me. Could I request a fic with Barbatos and a female MC? Maybe she's staying at the palace for whatever reason and when he goes to his room he hears her moaning his name so he checks on her but she's sleeping. The next day he hints that she must've had a good dream much to her dismay. That night he goes to her room and she's awake and they end up sleeping together. With some praise and maybe even some tail action. Thank you! Can I please get a uuuhhh possessive/borderline yandere Leon please :3c maybe it’s after a big match for her and everyone’s fawning over her and he steals her away and reminds her that she’s his? 💕✨ I saw those headcanons where Jin and Shigaraki became parental or sibling figures to the reader sooooooo how about headcanons of a fem!reader being a mother figure to the league? Just an ordinary citizen in her late twenties until she met the LOV unexpectedly, during the time where the league had to hide and the reader's place is conveniently open (then again I'm sure they'd bust in if it wasn't) and she didn't rat them out. This happened quite a lot of times to the point where the reader is used to it by now and just lets them in, even if they weren't hiding from anyone and just wants to stay for the night. When she got closer to the league, she starts to show care and love for them in a way a mother would the reader isn't a member of the league, but they already consider her as family :'D I just really want them to get care and love since they've been through so much Last week I literally sat down and read your writing for like an hour and a half LOL It’s just really good and I love your characterization! I was wondering if I could request Twice and Shigaraki with an s/o who tries to be cute and surprise them by wearing their clothes when they return from a mission but maybe the clothes are a bit too snug cuz they’re a little pudgy :( could also be nsfw if you’re ok with that!! Thank you so much 💜💜 I like the Lucky!Cat!reader hc. Could you do some for the LOV, with a Male Cat s/o? Thank you! You're the best!! I've been obsessing about flowers and their meanings or what they symbolize soooooo. How would the LOV react to their s/o giving them a certain flower and then finding out what the flower means/symbolizes? Hope this passes! It's a request for OM. Can I have headcanons of the brothers + Diavolo (if you don't mind) of their s/o dancing "Paradise Lost" by GAIN? Provided you a link to the video for reference 😁: https://youtu.be/4i32ANEa5mk Headcanons where the LOV has an s/o whose like a literal ball of sunshine. Always happy and bubbly, smiling and laughing, they just seem to epitome of joy. Until one day, they just break down, being so emotionally drained from different factors that they can keep up the act of being happy anymore Last week I literally sat down and read your writing for like an hour and a half LOL It’s just really good and I love your characterization! I was wondering if I could request Twice and Shigaraki with an s/o who tries to be cute and surprise them by wearing their clothes when they return from a mission but maybe the clothes are a bit too snug cuz they’re a little pudgy :( could also be nsfw if you’re ok with that!! Thank you so much 💜💜 hey!! hru? i have a question do you think shigaraki would like a threesome? what if his s/o didn’t want one bc she’s like possessive of him (in a non toxic way) hey plush, can you do a reader x Shiggy and Dabi whos crying to them/grabbing their shirts and burring themselves into shiggy and dabi/ about their verbally abusive ex, how theyre so different from them, so much nicer and softer, how they(the reader) never thought they could be loved or deserved kindness? its been one of those days, i just need some comfort. thank you♡ heyy!! ^^ can i request some headcanons for hawks reacting to his female s/o belly dancing for him? :3 Heyo this is beetle juice anon idk if u remember me I’m the person who said shiggy sounds like beetle juice, I swear I couldn’t get that thought out of my head so can I request shiggy and reader getting hit by a quirk that forces them to do a musically ( idk I just want shiggy to sing honestly lmaoooo) idk maybe both of them being shocked that both of them can sing hey, i absolutely adore your writing! i love going through all your work, they’re my comfort fics! 💞 i was wondering if you would mind writing something for tomura with an s/o who is insecure about her body and how skinny she is? she feels too flat, like she doesn’t have enough curves or that she’s grown into her body enough and it makes her feel less of a woman, that tomura could do better. and it makes her anxious when it comes to initimacy and being exposed to him because in her eyes he’s so perfectly handsome and she just feels inadequate... it’s something i’ve had to deal with pretty much my entire life, getting called names like stick insect and coat hanger, but lately it’s been eating away at me more and more. you can totally ignore this if you feel uncomfortable writing about this stuff, though! 💕 So, like. Hear me out. What if, with Bakugou and Dabi (separate) : MC is super innocent and cute, blushes at the slightest flirt, and “doesn’t get” dirty jokes, but as soon as they’re alone with their s/o? They are the kinkiest most vulgar bottom they’ve ever seen. Nipples pierced, collar under the turtleneck, chain strung between the piercings and the collar, all out kinda slut. The duality of man. (Gender neutral) Hello so may i request shigaraki with a s.o whos warm loving and protective and very innocent basically a s.o whos like mitsuri kanroji both personality and look wise Female pronouns,maybe they are out on a date getting ice cream and the s.o is so happy shiggy came, they hold hands and people start giving him odd looks only for her to stand up to the bullies who are saying things about shigaraki, it ends with her kissing him infront of everyone to prove a point,and when the get home she tells him she doesnt care what people think and makes love to him topping hin while telling him all the reasons she fell inlove with him,(omg im so sorrry its so long if you have tpo many requests or dont like the idea please tell me) hey, i absolutely adore your writing! i love going through all your work, they’re my comfort fics! 💞 i was wondering if you would mind writing something for tomura with an s/o who is insecure about her body and how skinny she is? she feels too flat, like she doesn’t have enough curves or that she’s grown into her body enough and it makes her feel less of a woman, that tomura could do better. and it makes her anxious when it comes to initimacy and being exposed to him because in her eyes he’s so perfectly handsome and she just feels inadequate... it’s something i’ve had to deal with pretty much my entire life, getting called names like stick insect and coat hanger, but lately it’s been eating away at me more and more. you can totally ignore this if you feel uncomfortable writing about this stuff, though! 💕 could we get a fem reader cock warming Dabi throughout the night and get morning sex >//< // ik youre a busy bee so dont feel obligated to rush or anything, take ur time plushie!♡ can we please get a shiggy x reader and the reader asks him to teach her how to game and she ends up being better than him and whatnot (inspired by that “a simple wager”) fic (if you ever decide to make a sequel to that i will ve DECEASED Can I request a sub shigaraki with a mommy kink getting pegged by the reader ( I just want to make him beg and cry honestly) reader is a female Omh give us noncon/somno w scary eraserhead plsss / aizawa and aphrodisiac smut pwease ( ；∀；) Overhaul and Chrono punishing quirkless reader for being an undercover reporter/agent but like orgasm denial... (Idk if you write this stuff but anyways do it if you want have a nice night) Can I request something like “Peaches and Cream” but with Piers instead? I know you’re busy with other requests, so don’t worry if you don’t have time for this one! I love love your writing!!! Hello beautiful can I just say how amazing ur writing is loll, can I request shigaraki having a crush on the reader and she knows about it, like one day shiggy just goes to her room when there on a mission and just steals her stuff and humps her pillows, but she has cameras in her room so she saw everything, long story short she shows him the videos and humiliates him (shiggy of course a mess and is close to crying from how embarrassing that is, lowkey turned on ) the reader takes care of him ( sorry I’m really bad at endings 🙏🏻😅) the reader pegs him until he’s a crying mess. By the way the reader is a female and shigaraki is a sub has a mommy kink and the reader is dom of that’s ok of course I love your writing!! May I ask for Diavolo x F!Reader with borderline disorder? 👉👈.. Lately it has been very difficult for me to deal with this alone and Diavolo is mine comfort character.. (NSFW Talk, If your a minor..then why are you even reading this?? Get off this 18+ page?? Anyways-). I am a huge sucker for overstimulation, biting and crying, (many of my past partners have called me a sadist-) and I just 𝑎𝑑𝑜𝑟𝑒 the idea of Tamaki’s cute face streaming with tears and drool as Male Reader vigorously overstims the fuck out of him. And he would look so 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑙𝑦 with his mouth gaping open in a silent scream of overwhelming pleasure because M!Reader gave his sensitive dick a handjob while he roughly railed Tamaki’s pretty little ass. (While abusing the fuck out of his G Spot, of course). I can just imagine him squirming and begging for mercy while M!Reader lovingly wrecks his body, taking him hard & fast in multiple different positions with each one making Tamaki wail with pleasure. He’s just so adorable, I just wanna see him get 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑝𝑙𝑒𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑦 𝑚𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑢𝑝~ Lusty ❤︎ -Anon. Bonus Points if you could have M!Reader be super fuckin tall, muscular, strong and also be absolutely PACKING. (This man has a godly dick, and it’s honestly a surprise Tamaki can take it so well without literally breaking in half) ahhhh hewwo could you maybe write something with dbd ghostface going full apotheosis for his crush? as in,, he starts to elevate her to a status of divinity and even when she's just cowering in fear in front of him or conversely stabbing him and causing him lots of pain he just keeps viewing her as some sort of deity and  can't stop obsessing over her and wanting more from her

Again. I deeply apologize for not doing some. I wish I could, but (and this is not to guilt trip any of yall or anything, I understand that it'll sound like that it but it ain't it) sometimes the work I put into something and the feedback I get is sometimes not it. Like I'll work hard and get nothing and listen, I get it, its fanfic, there's a bit more stigma to it rather than art but yeah. Its a ramble, and basically, I don't wanna put work into something that I'll only get a few likes on. So yeah. Agains this isn't guilt tripping, I get it. I'm a consumer of it and I get the gist of it but yeah. More thoughts later, when I can properly sit and write as I am currently in a home depot 

hello soul eater community, i just got here but my most recent obsession has been soulxmaka, and the song stacey’s mom. so i thought i could throw this out here... YES THIS WOULD (preferably) BE A SMUT FIC, LOTS ANF LOTS OF SEX, SNEAKY SEX WHILE MELODY IS AWAY, SNEAKY SEX WHILE MELODY IS*** THERE!!!!

so imagine soul being like? 14? and him being friends with melody albarn. him and melody don’t get along very well, she’s uptight, too tall to be a freshman, and her distain for men make her unappealing. but as fate may have it they are partnered together for their final. this at first was an issue bc he sure ash wasn’t gonna let her into HIS home. that’d be social suicide. everyone would know how much of a drunk his mother was, how his father neglected them, and how much of a floosy wes was. no. thank. you. but by gods good graces she invited him over to her place. the walk there was awkward and filled w useless chit chat. but once he realized where they were, how nice of a neighborhood this was he immediately shrunk in on himself. feeling inadequate. that soon changed tho when melody said her greeting, announcing that she has a (hesitantly may he add)”friend” with her. he had grimaced and went to punch her in the shoulder, but stopped mid air when he could only assume her mother walk out of the kitchen. she wasn’t your stereotypical milf. no she was all toned leg, long hair, small perky chest, and a calming smile. he may have melted. walking towards them with a slight sway to her hips she introduced herself, “hello, i’m maka albarn, and who do i owe the pleasure?” soul was stuck. FUCK. “uhh uh evans, soul evans...” he coughed awkwardly. deciding to save his pride, maka smiled “well soul, i hope you enjoy your stay, and if you need anything you’re always welcome to ask” she smiled, her faint laugh lines peeking out to say hello aswell, before she turned back around. annddddd she had a tight ass. sweet. as he was day dreaming about said ass, he was delivered a swift hit to the head by none other then melody. “quit ogling my mom, you’re making me sick” she grumbled stalking off into her bedroom. he soon followed, knowing for a fact he’d be seeing more of Ms. Albarn in more then just his dreams. ok so that was just yk an idea. and let’s say he finds ways to keep coming back like leaving an article of clothing, a book, who knows. but it doesn’t start as purely scandalous, it’s mainly because maka obviously cares about him, sending off with leftovers/dinner when she realizes he’s maybe a little too lean for his age. he comes to ask questions about homework, or just to have a conversation with her because unlike sensitive melody she can actually take his taunting and come back with her owner quips. it’s refreshing. it makes him want her. and at first he had thought the lingering looks were for his own health sake. but when melody excused herself to the restroom, just a day before his 18th and he say maka leaning on the side of her daughters doorway, in nothing but a skimpy bathing suit. he knew what he wanted for his birthday

a few notes

i want this to be filled with TONS of sexual tension, lingering looks, slight touches, leaning in too close. staring at ms albarn as she bends over to pick weeds out of her garden... yk

i kinda envisioned melody being some part of the queer spectrum, maybe in the middle she confesses to soul this, and he’s suprised but supportive and when she admits she scared to tell her mom, soul is flabbergasted bc hes had tons of conversations w maka thus far so there is NO WAY she wouldn’t love her the same. maybe maka would even be the mom to buy melody anything w a rainbow on it.

addressing maka being a single mom. basically the same thing that had happened to her own mother and spirit... just a little less of a big deal bc maka was kind of expecting it when she got knocked up at 18 and now has a 14 year old at the age of 32

i may get to writing this when i trust my abilities a bit more but PLEASE DM ME COMMENT SOMETHING IDC I JUST NEED THIS WRITTEN😩😩

maybe have it ending around soul being 18, a little epilogue of him in his early 20’s proposing??

addressing souls family,they will meet maka ATLEAST ONCE and she WILL go off on them for being such awful parents and then maka and soul will go back to her house AND THEY WILL HAVE LOVING PROTECTIVE SEX

please contact me if any questions😩😃

Hurt your readers week ideas 😂 The reader not being able to have kids, but Kyo says he can get past it even tho he wanted a large family. He has two options. Live the rest of his life with his wife and be the uncle forever with this deep ache inside of him feeling like he missed out on part of life. Or asking his wifey if they could have a surrogate which means giving him permission to sleep with another woman (bc it's ye olden times), which goes horribly. Either way he loses but he loves her.

Hi, Biz. Hope this is heartbreaking enough for you. 😂✨

This is something that had been a personal issue for me as well, so I may have gone over the essential amount of self-loathing and anger that Kyō’s s/o needed to get her feelings across. 😂

***

Kyōjurō x F!S/O: Barren (SFW Scenario):

Warnings: Angst with Happy Ending (?), Talks of Infertility, So Many Feels, Toxic Womanly Beliefs (i.e. a woman is only a woman if she can bear kids for her husband; which I don’t think is true), Open-Ended Ending

The heaviness in the air couldn’t even compare to the heavy feelings that weighed down on (Y/n)’s heart. No matter how hard she tried to tell herself that things were fine— that she was fine— she couldn’t get herself to believe in her empty words.

Because she wasn’t fine. At all.

Her heart was breaking so much, at the very knowledge that something essential to a woman had been taken away from her. There was no way to know for sure what the problem with herself was, but she knew that it had to do with her body.

After being married to Kyōjurō for five years, and having been together for seven, they should have already had children— what with them trying so hard to conceive after all those years.

“Useless,” She breathed out through the tightness in her throat, biting down on her bottom lip as she buried her face in her hands. And it was then that the tears she had desperately been trying to hold back began to fall; one by one, in hot rivulets that smeared across her face— as her palms were pressed flush against her clammy skin.

(Y/n) tried to breathe through the pain she felt, yet didn’t get any sort of reprieve from her efforts. Even with the sobs that wracked her body, she still felt no lightness in her chest, which usually came when she cried.

Yet that time was different; as it seemed that her sadness and guilt weighed down heavily on her heart, to the point where she couldn’t even breathe.

“(Y/n)? I’m home!” The sound of her husband’s warm voice echoed throughout their estate, which had her sobbing even more— as the guilt inside her festered even more.

Her thoughts centered around nothing but her being a failure as a woman, because she couldn’t even get her body to function properly. And, with gritted teeth, she pushed her hands up into her hair— just so she could pull at the locks in her own self-loathing and frustration.

Quiet yet keening sobs bubbled free from her lips, as more and more of her tears fell from her eyes.

“(Y/n)? Where a-” Kyōjurō couldn’t even finish his sentence, because when his eyes landed right on his crying wife, he practically tossed his sword aside to race over to where she sat in the living room.

She was practically curled in on herself, with her hands still pulling tightly on her hair— while the most heartbroken cry he’d ever heard from her pierced the air. Never in the seven years that they had been together had Kyōjurō ever seen her look so anguished; to the point where she was in the midst of an emotional breakdown.

The Hashira knelt down next to his wife, quickly but carefully getting her to let go of her hair. It was a tad difficult, what with her still pulling at the silken threads but— when he did manage to remove her hands— he pulled her arms up around his neck, so that he could hug her to his chest.

He could feel his own tears pricking his eyes, yet he pushed them back in an effort to remain strong in front of (Y/n).

“What has you so heartbroken, my love?” Kyōjurō asked softly, as he cradled the back of her head with his left hand, while the right one smoothed her disheveled hair down.

Still, only the sounds of (Y/n)’s sobs answered him. She then held on to him tighter, before burying her face against the crook where his neck and shoulder met.

And after what seemed like an eternity, she answered— albeit thickly and choppily through her tears, “I’m sorry, Kyō. I’m so sorry that I’m a useless wife.”

Anger flared up within Kyōjurō at that and, even though his code of ethics told him to never hurt someone weaker than him, he still wanted to knock some sense into whoever had made his wife feel so horrible; preferably with his fists.

“I’m so sorry that I can’t give you any children.”

Those words took the wind right out of the young man’s proverbial sails. He felt his heart practically drop into his stomach, as the thoughts he’d desperately tried to push to the back of his mind resurfaced.

It was true that he’d always wanted kids— lots of them, in fact— and that he and his wife had been trying for a long time, yet still weren’t blessed with any; so he resigned himself to being happy for his friends who did have children. He would often volunteer to babysit his fellow Hashiras’ kids when they needed days off, because he wanted to experience what it would have been like if he and (Y/n) had their own kids.

His heart would sink every time he saw her with children, as it was a constant reminder of what they didn’t have; yet he never bothered to speak about it, because to put it into light would only hurt (Y/n) and make her feel inadequate.

And that was the last thing that he wanted to make her feel.

Kyōjurō loved her too much for that, and he would rather die than ever think of cheating on her just to get a wish of his fulfilled. She was much more important than any dream of his; because she— as he believed— was the one thing in his life that he got right.

“I’m so sorry that I can’t make you happy,” (Y/n) uttered through her bawling, curling her fingers into the soft and sturdy material of his haori— in an effort to keep herself afloat in the proverbial sea of her feelings. “I’m sorry.”

(Y/n) kept repeating her apologies, even though most of them had begun to sound garbled through her tears. But she kept going, as if apologizing to her husband over and over would make things right.

But she was silenced when Kyōjurō hugged her even tighter, and began peppering kisses along the top of her head. He couldn’t hold back his own sad tears, because seeing her in so much pain like that was one of the most heart-wrenching things he had ever witnessed.

It was made even worse with the feeling of helplessness that pooled inside him; as her pain wasn’t one that could be taken away by medicine or rest— her pain was something that dwelled much deeper, and lied somewhere where even he couldn’t reach. He knew that he could only do so much to help her, and that tore at him even more.

“You do make me happy, (Y/n). And you’re not useless,” Kyōjurō answered thickly, as his own tears kept running down his cheeks in warm streaks. “We’ll figure it out, okay? We’ll go to Shinobu tomorrow and get you checked up again.”

He knew that he was rambling, but it was all that he could do to keep himself from breaking down as well. “And if she still can’t help us, we’ll go to the city. One day at a time, my love.”

Another press of his lips was dropped against the crown of her head, and he pulled her in even closer— as tight as he could hold her without it being uncomfortable for her; as all Kyōjurō wanted was to make his wife feel whole again.

And the action perfectly relayed the parallels of him trying to hold her broken pieces together; because that was the case: He was the only one who still kept her going.

“You don’t ever have to be sorry for something that wasn’t your fault, (Y/n).”

37

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? - I think a few hours ago lol

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? - how does it everything work out in the end

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? - i don't really have one yet

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? - When I was 8, my family and I were driving home from the christmas eve service. It was snowing big fluffy snowflakes and i was in a sparkly dress in the backseat. rascal flatts was playing 'god bless the broken road' on the radio and we were all sitting in this really nice content silence.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? - I think I'd try to do more, go out more, experience more, write more.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? - Write a novel(s) / write successful novels - Fall in love - finally go to a taylor swift concert lol

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. - My mom is someone I super close to. She has these vibrant blue eyes that literally carry an ocean of good things. She has a warm soul and she always uses her energy to lift other people up or just to hold their hand when life is rocky.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? - Yes

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? - I don't remember. A while ago I think. Maybe like last september-ish and I only remember that because my job did a really not cool thing to me and I cried when I told my mom and then cried when I told my best friend lol

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. - My mom because we could talk about life while stargazing.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? - maybe. if i felt super comfortable with them and it was the right time for it, then probably.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? - I don't know, actually. Probably not since high school or roughly around then bc i'm always asleep by 10 pm lol. it was probably with one of my friends.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? - I'd probably tell my mom thank you for everything she's done and had to sacrifice for me/our family, and i'd tell her i loved her.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? - Beautiful! Bright! Lovely! God tier! Wow!

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. - "I couldn't get the boy to kill me but I wore his jacket for the longest time" by Richard Siken. First of all, this quote makes me like !!!!! just exclamation marks!!!! I think I just love the poetry and the subtext in this quote, because it's kind of like being haunted by this boy was in itself its own kind of death. So like yeah you didn't kill me, but you haunt me instead.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? - What The Hell Is This: a memoir by me

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? - Buy a house and move to a different city, invest a lot of it, buy a car, buy another cat, send money to charity, quit my job.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? - I'm a forgiving person when I feel like someone is worth forgiving, which I kind of don't like about myself because I don't know if that's necessarily the right thing. I don't like that I feel like people have to earn forgiveness, but if I'm hurt by someone or someone has hurt someone I love, I tend to hold grudges and I will especially hold grudges if the hurt or offense is never addressed. But if someone were to apologize and I felt like they were sincere and they gave me a good explanation for the actions, I'm definitely forgiving then.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. - n/a

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? - pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. - I don't mind some tattoos and piercings, but I don't like tons of piercings and I definitely don't like tattoo sleeves or anything like that lol. You do you, but I could never lol.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? - Generally, yeah. It depends on my mood that day. Sometimes I'll wear a full face, other times I'll do bare minimum or nothing at all. Makeup makes me feel nice and it can really make your features pop.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. - Taylor Swift baby. Taylor has been such an inspiration to me as a writer and a human being. I think she sees the world very vividly and very romantically, and I love that about her. I love that she's kind-natured, even when the world tries to put a masochistic spin on her, she's simply just good. I love her honestly and vulnerability in her story-telling, and I love the work-ethic and careful creativity that's in her work. On a more personal note, her music feels like contentment and joy, and sometimes nostalgia. I started listening to her music in the fifth/sixth grade but I remember when Speak Now came out and at that time I was starting to get into writing and I could really see that she was a writer too so I clung to her, and then Red was released while my dad was fighting cancer and that album was just something I really pressed into as a means of comfort and escape and I'm so glad that I had her music lean on.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. - *mind goes blank*

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. - I haven't actually been to a concert that's really impacted me meaningfully because I've never gone to anyone I legitimately wanted to see lol. When I was 10, I went to a Jonas Brothers concert with my sister who was a bigger fan of them than I was and I do remember it being a good time. Then when I was 15, my best friend took me to marianas trench because our other friend baled so she had a spare ticket. It was a really good show and it actually made me get into their music more than I had been before which was awesome.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? - I would love it if taylor swift wrote me a letter and I honestly wouldn't care what she wrote in it as long as it was something nice lol

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? - I used to have a work space in my room but I moved the desk upstairs to our office. Now I just write in my room and that for me looks like a made up bed, a nightstand with a candle, and a vanilla-scented lamp to create a warm cozy atmosphere.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? - I usually write in the evening and then maybe I'll watch youtube or I'll listen to music or scroll through tiktok lol. Then I put on my pj's, skincare routine, brush teeth, and I go to bed (where I end up reading for half the night but whatevs)

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? - I'm pretty open with my mom so I don't think there's anything she doesn't know about me lol.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? - I wouldn't mind dying my tips pink or blue just because I think that's a universally cute look. As for styling it, probably what I do now, maybe curl it a little more.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? - I don't think I even know five people (that i'm close to) yikes

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. - I wish for success, because I always feel like a failure or inadequate in someway - I wish to fall in love, because I'd like to know it at least once - I wish to be able to write again in a way that makes me happy, because I feel like I keep disappointing myself and I just want that creative freedom again

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. - I've never done anything super creative lol but one year I dressed like a bumble bee and I loved that costume because it was a little frilly dress with wings.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? - fun fact I've never been drunk or high

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? - Anything that involves killing or spiders

storms: you can only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? - All too well by taylor swift baby

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. - I have not fallen in love before but I imagine it feels like contentment and coming home.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? - I wouldn't do really short hair, but my favourite hair cuts on me was a short bob.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? - Just your standard white hot chocolate, and i'd trust anyone to order it for me bc it's not that difficult lol

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? - My writing / my career I think

Super Junior - Kyuhyun A-Z

A-Z with suju Kyuhyun 💖

Could you A-Z for Kyuhyun? Thank you 💖

(A/N This request got lost for ages lol it was supposed to be up literally like over a month ago oops sorry!! >.<)

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A - Aftercare Aftercare would be something that would be very two sided with Kyuhyun; he’d take care of you and he’d expect you to do the same for him. Obviously it’d be nothing crazy, just stuff like getting yall a drink or helping each other clean up just really makes his heart all fuzzy. 

B - Body Part (their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner) His favourite part on himself is his thighs for sure. On you, probably your chest or stomach.

C - Cum Ends up in a different place each time. Just bc he always produces a decent amount, if he’s not finishing inside you then it’s kinda hard to predict where it’s gonna land. 

D - Dirty Secret (a dirty secret of theirs) He regularly asks his other members for advice regarding sex. He’ll never mention any situations in particular but he just asks them how to “be like...idk better at it I guess” 

E - Experience I mean, of course he’s had some, but I don’t think it’s close to the amount other people his age would've had. He just seems a little standoffish in those types of situations, like he’d have to feel a super deep connection with someone to wanna take things to the bedroom.

F - Favourite Position Missionary with your legs thrown over his shoulders. He loves that he can use your legs to steady himself whilst getting a handful of your thighs at the same time.

G - Goofy (are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous etc) I don’t think he’d be totally serious, it’s just not who he is lol, he’d probably find something to giggle at during. But he still will try to reel it in a little bit, inside his head hes probably telling himself “this is an important, loving moment, for the love of god dont say anything dumb or sarcastic” 

H - Hair (how well groomed are they) Super well maintained and trimmed to perfection.

I - Intimacy (how are they during the moment, romantic aspect) It doesn’t happen right away but he’s definitely a romantic, for sure. As he gets more and more comfortable around you in that type of situation, he really lets his emotions go.

J - Jack Off (Masturbation) Really not that often, I think he’d rather wait until the two of you are together. The few times he does do it, will probably be in the shower so any clean up is taken care of.

K - Kinks (one of more of their kinks) Idk,,,he doesn’t strike me as someone who really has any discernible kinks lol, or if he does, he inst really too bothered about exploring them too much as he likes to keep things relatively simple in the bedroom.

L - Location (Favourite places to do the do) Likes to keep things in the bedroom, it just seems the most practical to him.

M - Motivation (What turns them on) PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE. Any type of positive words from you regarding his appearance or his sexual prowess never fails to get him going lol. 

N - NO (something they won’t do, turn offs) Nothing that involves anyone seeing either of you, or anything with other people involved. He wants to keep you all to himself, and keep things very private.

O - Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc) He takes his time with everything he does, and oral is no exception. He���s very methodical in his approach, he likes to really draw things out when he goes down on you. He keeps mental notes on every tiny move he makes and how they affect you.

P - Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc) On the slower side. Slow and strong. He’ll push himself aaaaall the way in so slowly, so you can feel every inch of him.

Q - Quickies (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc) If he knows it’s his only option, then he’ll be down. But other than that, he’d really take some convincing.

R - Risk (are they down to experiment, do they take risks?) I don’t think he’d really be open to trying anything too out of the ordinary tbh. He can be pretty old fashioned in terms of what hes open to.

S - Stamina (how many rounds can they go, how long do they last? etc) A couple rounds probably, just bc his average round is a lil shorter than most lol. You’ll have to let him catch his breath in between though.

T - Toy (do they own toys do they use them on a partner or on themselves?) I feel like he’d buy toys for you to use by yourself when he’s not there, but wouldn’t be interested in using them together AT ALL. They probably make him feel a little inadequate tbh...

U - Unfair (how much they like to tease) He absolutely hates being teased, so I don’t think he’d be much of a tease himself either. He prefers just getting right into it.

V - Volume (how loud are they, what type of sounds they make) Definitely on the louder side, gets a little whiney the closer he gets to finishing.

W - Wild Card (a random headcannon) I feel like more than anything, he’s super shy in the bedroom. Like he’d really take a while to be super open sexually, and he’d want someone that can teach him stuff. I wouldn’t say he’s a sub by any means but he wants someone to show him exactly how to please them. 

X - X-ray (what’s going on inside those pants) Average length but quite a bit thicker than most, nice girth lol

Y - Yearning (How high is their sex drive) Probably not all that high at all. That’s not to say that you dont have sex lol, its just not the first place his mind goes to that often.

Z - Zzz… (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards) Once he’s sufficiently pleased yall are both cleaned up and re-hydrated enough, he’ll be out like a light. But not before reiterating for the nth time how much he loves you 

new york’s very own mckenna asher was spotted on broadway street in jimmy choo romy pumps . your resemblance to taylor hill is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-first birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being materialistic , but also devoted . i guess being a taurus explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be wrists covered in makeup swatches , a perfectly blended halo eye ,  and never being seen without perfectly manicured nails . ( i once made a fake account to expose information about myself just to get more followers ) & ( cis-female & she / her  )  +  ( lia , 19 , she / her , cst . )

hello , loves ! it’s me , lia ( i also play margo ) back again with another trash child that i’m hoping you’ll all love as much as i do <33 i first came up w kenna many years ago and haven’t had the opportunity to write for her in a long long time , so i’m really excited to bring her here ! as always , if you wanna plot go ahead and LIKE THIS and i’ll happily come love you down . if discord is more your jam , hmu there too @ 𝐛𝐛𝐧𝐨$𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥#1904 . love y’all !!! 💕💓💕

S T A T S ↴

-- * FULL NAME : mckenna sophia asher -- * NICKNAME(S) : kenna ( preferred name ), kenny , ken , mick -- * AGE : twenty-one -- * D.O.B : may 10th -- * ZODIAC : taurus -- * GENDER : cis-female -- * ORIENTATION : bisexual biromantic -- * HEIGHT : 5″7 -- * NATIONALITY : american ( has dual citizenship in america and wales ) -- * BIRTHPLACE : colwyn bay , wales -- * OCCUPATION : youtuber / makeup artist -- * TRAITS : devoted , ambitious , hard-working , materialistic , stubborn , patient , sensual , reliable , organized , possessive , imbalanced , attention-seeking

B I O G R A P H Y ↴

honestly i am........ too lazy to make this a nice bio so plz forgive me for settling on bullet points ,, but at least that’s less reading for you !!!!

mckenna’s father is from wales and works as a plastic surgeon for the rich and fabulous and her mother is from new york and works a beautician and stylist for celebrities . together they had 5 children in total , the kid in the very middle being kenna . the family spent most of her childhood living in wales before moving to new york just before mckenna started high school

all of her siblings are really talented . it must be in their genes or something to have an affinity for the arts . her older brother is in a popular band . her older sister is a principal dancer . her younger sister is an incredible painter . and her younger brother is like six so he’s still coming into his own but there’s no doubt that he’ll be a prodigy at something

and what about mckenna ??? well she tried following in her brother’s footsteps by learning a bunch of instruments but none of them clicked . after that she tried to take dance classes with her sister but it was clear to see that she had two-left feet . she could barely draw a perfect circle , so painting like her younger sister was out of the question too . eventually she tried to pursue an acting career , auditioning for tv shows and movies but never booking anything more than a handful of commercials

so she spent a majority of her life feeling pretty inadequate compared to her siblings . she just wanted to be good at something , anything really . and she wanted to be praised for it . luckily , she eventually found her thing . though it was sorta unconventional : kenna figured out that she’s good at makeup . it’s basically an art form in itself and since she had the time on her hands to practice , she got pretty good at it

she started posting her looks on social media , gaining a little bit of attention on her instagram and later even starting a youtube channel ( at the time it was called pinkglitter2234 bc she was like 13 and cringey ). doing makeup and making youtube videos was her new favorite pass time and pretty much all she did throughout high school . kids in her school started recognizing her as “the the girl who talks funny and makes youtube videos” ,, so that’s pretty cool ig

it really wasn’t until her senior year that her channel gained a serious following . by the time she graduated she worked her way up to 1m subscribers and just a few hundred thousand away from having 1m on instagram too . CRAZY . and since youtube had become a serious job to her that she wanted to continue doing , she figured that she’d take a gap year off just to focus on that and building her personal brand . so she moved out and got an apartment in the city , paid for all by herself ( though mommy and daddy’s money certainly helped furnish it with all her lavish stuff ) and got to WORK

that ONE gap year turned into a gap... three years ??? she never applied to university and honestly she doesn’t plan to anytime soon ! her social media career has never been more poppin’ tbh . she has like over 8m subscribers on her main channel ( now called makeupmckenna ) and just a little bit under that on her vlog channel . she’s had various partnerships with different makeup brands , colourpopcosmetics , morphe , and lancôme just to name a few . on her channel she also does fashion / styling videos , which has gained her attention from several brands that have sent her pieces to promote and invited her to see their shows at fashion week and whatnot . big money moves basically !!

okay now for her secret : basically ,, kenna is hard-working don’t get me wrong , but she’s also obsessed with increasing her following and is willing to do anything if it means signal boosting herself and becoming more successful . so basically , at one point she made a fake account that posed as one of her “haters” “exposing” her-- and since no publicity is bad publicity , it got more people talking about her and following her . she even made a sob story youtube video in response to the “hate” she was getting and the rumours that were sparking because of it . the account has since been deleted but that doesn’t mean that the screenshots of the rumours aren’t still circulating the internet . it’s been a few years since the “scandal” but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t get talked about from time to time

P E R S O N A L I T Y  &  F U N  F A C T S ↴

personality-wise : kenna is a sweetheart ! at least on the outside ! like she lowkey has selfish motives sometimes when it comes to gaining online popularity , but outside of social media she is genuine and goofy and a good friend i swear . would give you the designer clothes off her back if you’re close to her . also affectionate because she’s from a big family that actually has a healthy relationship with each other ( minus kenna’s minor jealousy she used to harbor as a kid... she’s kinda grown out of it now as a young-adult who’s successful in her own right ) so she loves to love . super materialistic though . loves shiny things and owning the newest trendy stuff . definitely thinks that money can buy happiness and she’s super stubborn so you cannot convince her otherwise . loves attention , will do just about anything to get it but if it doesn’t fit her “pristine girl next door” image then she’ll have to do it in secret . and since she has made a name for herself as being “innocent” , she doesn’t party too much . just not a big fan of that lifestyle

just bc she never went to college DOES NOT MEAN that my girl is dumb  .. she actually likes to keep learning new things by constantly reading and trying out new skills . she’s v much a jack of all trades but a master at none . minus her ability to beat her face and talk to a camera lol

she’s fluent in both english and welsh , and used to have an accent when she was younger but has since taught herself to sound super american . she thinks it makes her more appealing idk

very family orientated and keeps in close contact with her siblings and parents despite the fact that they live all around the world doing their own things

has collabed with loads of famous peeps not just for youtube videos but getting to do their makeup for gigs . she’s gotten to a point in her career where she’s able to bridge the gap between influencer and professional artist y’know what i mean ??

loves dogs . has a dog named tate who frequently makes appearances in her posts :)))

consumes an unhealthy amount of caffeine daily

doesn’t know how to drive . doesn’t even have a license or anything and who knows if she’ll ever learn tbh

she’s bisexual but has only come out to her close friends and family . hasn’t outwardly said anything to her following but they can probably make assumptions considering who she’s been seen getting close to . like it’s not a big deal to her , she likes who she likes , but also doesn’t think it’s anyone else’s business besides whoever she’s dating / sleeping with at the time

W A N T E D  C O N N E C T I O N S ↴

EDIT : i have in fact made a wc page so peep that here if ya want ! xox

I’m not on Tumblr, so I can’t send an ask but I am curious, you mentioned you realized you had a 2 fix — how did you come to that realization? I’m curious bc we’ve had similar journeys re: heart fixes 😅

So far, I have written 3 thousand words on this topic, four times, only to erase it and start over, because my answer is: I don’t know for sure. I wish I did. But certainty is not something I have ever found, because I am a self-distrustful 6 and a Ne.

The minute I decide on something, I start to doubt and question it. I drive myself crazy with over-thinking. I accuse myself of having a bias. I re-examine my arguments and frame them differently. If you had asked me this last week, I would have answered you with total confidence of being a 2. Now, I am no longer sure and am re-considering 3 for the first time without fixating on not wanting to be one.

To be honest, I pushed hard against the idea of being a 3, because all the 3 descriptions are written about social 3s and I could not relate to being that “showy” or demanding of praise; that seems too vain and self-promoting to me; and I also did not like the idea of being a 136 tritype – it’s not very “sexy.” So anytime anyone suggested it for me, I shot it down. Overall, it might fit. I produce far more content across various mediums than anyone else I know.

I’ve been watching the Beatrice Chestnut panels on YouTube in which she talks to at least four people of each Enneagram type – real life experiences, told in the numbers’ own words, is way more useful in sensing the true nature of a number than abstract descriptions, and several things are standing out to me, especially about the self-pres first 3s (the more “modest / I hate vanity” 3s).

One of the sp3s says she doesn’t want to try anything she might not be good at, and she has dropped everything that she wasn’t good at. I am very much that way. I cannot stand being “mediocre” at anything, and I take my “hobbies” so seriously, it’s as if I am getting paid to do them well. Always trying harder and harder to improve, to be amazing, to be “the best.” I chose writing because I love it, but also because even at a young age, I was better at it than a lot of kids my age. I knew I could “succeed” at it. By the same token, I quit drawing, because I knew I could never be better than mediocre at it. Other people are way better artists. I saw that plainly so I quit. Why do it, unless it’s amazing?

Sp3 said she can’t stop working, because if she does, her emotions catch up to her, and she doesn’t want to deal with them, so she will keep working to avoid them. Emotions slow her down. I keep thinking about how after my grandfather died, I threw myself into cleaning out his house. It gave me something to do, rather than sit around and cry. It was too painful to stop, and think about losing another grandparent. How hours after a huge fight with my best friend, I was sitting at my computer, doing my job like nothing had happened. Avoiding my feelings. How I avoid, and avoid, and often do not go back to engage with them. How I can be driving up the road, and a sad memory or thought comes to me, and I will say out loud “NO” and change my thoughts. How when I stop working, and have nothing to do, no way to feel “useful,” I am whiny, emotional, and needy. The only way to “get over it” is to go back to “work.” Start producing. Start writing. Start working long and hard on my books.

ENTP friend doesn’t know how I manage to do it, because… I keep working on things, whether or not I feel like it. That’s how I get books written. Daily commitment. Daily showing up. Steady work ethic. Sometimes over-working myself and regretting it the next day, because I sat there 6 hours instead of a more appropriate 3 hours. I push myself to meet my sometimes unfeasible goals before I can “quit” and if I can’t reach them, I feel inadequate. I know I need to take a break or walk away, but doing so feels like giving up. And I don’t care what I have to do, I AM going to get this chapter DONE today. (I am finally learning to walk away / stop when I get tired, even if I didn’t reach my goal.)

How hard it is to find my feelings. Because I cry and then move on. I also hate for people to see me cry, because I never want that. It doesn’t fit the version of me that I want. I am ashamed of crying in public, even at a funeral. Ashamed if I can’t control my emotions. I think the “easy crying” is more 2 (or at least I’ve read that) but ... are 2′s more okay with just doing it? Because it’s showing empathy and connecting? For me, it’s like “why can’t I stop crying???”

Another 3 said they can feel how much they are repressing themselves, so the other person sees the “image” they want them to see. That they are living what they want to be. And I think about how the few times I have lost my cool in public, I have HATED it, because it ruined the image I want people to see of me – as logical, detached, and rational at all times. Losing it is not rational.

How much every “like” and “reblog” is validation for me, and when the number are low (as they have been lately, since tumblr is slowly dying) I am tempted to stop producing and move on to something else in search of validation and affirmation; but I stick with it, because it’s my little platform, my way of being “good” at something and getting attention without aggressively self-promoting myself (which I hate, loathe, and despise doing). My way of being heard. And once my whiny phase passes, I just go back to “work.”

I don’t do hobbies. Hobbies are casual things. All my hobbies involve working long and hard to be the best. If I am not, if I make a mistake, I grit my teeth and work harder to make sure next time, I’m not “mediocre.”

All of this seems very 3 to me, but… if I settle on it, I’ll just doubt it in three days and start the self-analyzing process all over again, because I’ll start trying to disprove it, test it, and argue against it, even just with myself.

The only way to be certain of anything, for me, is to observe myself doing it. So far, I haven’t observed myself being particularly 2ish or 3ish. But it will come.

Sigh.

- ENFP Mod

of light and verse | jaebum

desc: you literally end up falling for the boy who sits at the back of your uber hard lit class. college!jaebum litmajor!jaebum. all the fluff. just super fluffy

word count: 1.913

requested by: @jaebums-sunshine​ [Jaebum college au/domestic au fluff!]

note: i wrote this at lit 4am but ummm my love as a lit major was too cute to pass up

oh my god ok COLLEGE JAEBUM

setting my heart on fire at the thought of my lit nerd headcanon for him

lets get into it!

so its freshman year and ur walking into your first lit class, a bit intimidated bc its like,, a course no first year dared to touch but u just wanted a cool sounding course so bad u jumped at the opportunity

its GREEK MYTHOLOGY!! who wud not hello

and ur excited until the professor opens her mouth

and ur blown away by how,,,,,,, interesting and riveting the whole thing is but shit is it going to be this hard throughout??

the first few classes involves you frantically taking notes and trying to keep up w the impossible pace this class is going

but theres this BOY

he sits right at the end while ur in front so u could pass him off as uninterested,,, taking the course for extra creds??? wrong

this BOY quips in between the lecture with the most fascinating comments, connecting the odyssey to so many modern works, to poetry and to music

and ur like,,, who made u,,,, how r u like this

ur kind of annoyed by how smart this boy is

its not like you dont get wtf is happening here, but how can he get it and SO MUCH MORE

and tbh ur kind of jealous but u didnt hear that from me. also he has the softest voice that creeps up behind u and makes ur body stir

wait what

so u work super hard

and like super hard, u finish all ur readings and do ur own research

but u still feel like its not enough

like idk who u think u are, u start living at the library

cup of tea in hand and a book in the other, it sounds optimal but the stress is lowkey making you lose ur mind

ur looking for a book in the aisles, a VERY specific one on sappho’s fragmented poems

and FINALLY u see it............on the top most shelf

ur 5′4″ self is SCREAMING

and u could ask for help but help is for losers

so u make the very intelligent decision to climb the shelves what?? no ones looking

ur almost there when

a hand

reaches at the same time as urs

u almost scream for real this time, shutting ur eyes real tight, letting go of ur meager hold on the shelf and falling back

like u have accepted ur death at this point

until???? wait??? you feel two hands around you and suddenly you’re not falling

“my god, are you okay??” how tf do i know this voice

you open your eyes to be met with the softest brown eyes, framed by these wire glasses

oh

its him

of c o u r s e

u literally dont know what to say until he laughs a little at you (an adorable, light noise that fills you up)

“this is probably not one of your greatest moments” ur cheeks are on FIRE

suddenly he notices his arms are still around u and he hastily places u on ur useless jelly feet

“were you going for the book on sappho? i didn’t know anyone else here knew it existed”

you’re about to stammer out a reply, not really ready to explain to the lit prodigy that ur trying to be at least half as insightful as him but he

squints at u

“wait, aren’t you in my lit class?? you are, aren’t you?”

he REMEMBERS ur invisible ass??? ok??? what doesnt this boy notice?????

u finally find your tongue, stammering out a “y-yeah, i was planning out my paper and needed a second reference”

wow is he lowkey impressed he stares at u for a bit

ur now hyperaware of ur messy bun and glasses, the old t shirt you’d tucked into mom jeans feeling so inadequate in front of him in his stylishly messed up hair n button up,,, how could someone be this pretty at 4pm on a sunday

“honestly, me too. but its okay, you can have this” 

he barely needs to reach up to get this book and ur like, looking at his shoulders as he faces away from u for a split second and man is he built

“are you sure???” you let out in an almost whisper “don’t you need this?”

“nah its okay i read it over the summer already” o yes of course

“i’m jaebum by the way” he smiles at you and ur stomach JUMPs

“i’m y/n” you try, and then blurt out “and also really sorry for this i’m like,, dumb as hell-”

“its no issue, y/n” his voice is HONEY as it says your name and you can feel urself turning redder

“i’ll see you in class then” hes gone as quickly as he arrived and ur still in shock because what the fuck

did that really happen or did u doze off after a caffeine crash again???

so the next day in class u walk in, heading towards your seat when  ur eye catches jaebum’s

and he gives u the BIGGEST SMILE

WHAT AN ANGEL

ur blushing furiously and manage a quick smile back

and thru/o ur so distracted bc u swear u feel his eyes on the back of ur neck but ur also too scared to look bc WOW WHY IS THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY STARING AT ME

so at the end of the class ur throwing all ur books into ur mess of a backpack when u hear a voice 

“so did you end up finishing the book”

its god jaebum, beanie hiding his tousled hair and trademark glasses on his nose

“no i still have some stuff to cover but its fine!! you can have it u want-”

“no, no i was going to suggest we do the paper together?”

is this ,,,, really happening

“i mean, sure” WHY ARE U AGREEING WHY DO U WANT TO DIE

“okay great! i’ll meet you in the library at 4?”

“okay see you then!!” u squeak out and dash

wtf was that

this man did not need ur help, he is a lit GOD

but ur there at 4, a little thankful for the heads up bc u managed to put some semblance of makeup on urself

and he walks in and ur heart is on fire again bc hes so pretty and he’s also so excited to do lit, lit makes this boy

u slowly ease into conversations w him, sappho being taken over by more personal deets

ok first of all, this boy has 5 cats

5

he shows u pictures of all of them, names and all, like a mom showing off her children

ur heart is so so full of this endearing boy

you keep meeting thru the rest of the week

on tuesday, he asks you ur favorite color

on wednesday, he convinces u to tell him ur favorite memory

on thursday, you tell him how vanilla ice cream is everything to you but u cant stand strawberry

on friday, he asks u for ur number

on saturday, he randomly texts you 6 pictures of his cat sitting on two legs

on saturday, you realize u have fallen for the boy at the back of ur lit class

u dont know what to do

this boy is so so dumb at heart but can also recite all of shakespeare’s sonnets by heart

like hes the cutest idiot u have ever seen

and ur falling super hard for him

ur friendship goes strong for a while

gradually u blush less frequently and get comfortable w him, going over to his place at times

the first time u go (for lit probably) he opens the door and ur greeted w the smell of disaster

like really it smells super bad

and hes frantic and panicky bc “i didn’t know how hard cooking was the tomato sauce is all burnt what did i do”

poor perfect boi is bad at cooking???

even surrounded w smoke and in a dirty apron he looks ADORABLE

and ur laughing and taking the saucepan off the stove for him, throwing his failure out and suggesting u just get some chinese

and he agrees w a sigh and ur like ur so dumb

and no ur definitely not trying to think abt how he wanted to cook for u

when u call him over u make spaghetti

red sauce

“wow so ur really out here triggering me like this”

“is it my fault ur an idiot sandwich”

“w o w”

he probably pouted and u probably made fun of it tho ur heart was crying 

so it goes on like this for a while

and ur always wondering ‘does this boy even like me like that’ bc he out here giving u so many signals but never making the move

like ur ass is never sure if he’s into u or just being nice

bc lets face it - im jaebum is the definition of nice

and its honestly getting kind of annoying

like pls tell me if u like me my heart cant take it much longer

u guys are at his, doing ur readings

you glance to the side and see jaebum reading intently, eyes flying over the words, relaxed and so sweet, a ray of light from the window falling on him and making his eyes radiate a dark brown

you dont even notice how long you’ve been staring until u hear his voice

“hello what r u doing”

fuck

“nothing! just,,,, you looked really pretty with the light falling on ur face. no i mean, look!! like, you’re pretty”

OK

WHAT

did u JUST 

SAY THAT

"not that that means you’re not pretty at other times!! i mean,,, you’re pretty all the time and its honestly really crazy” WHY ARE U STILL TALKING

hes just.... staring at u in wonder

and ur lik e wow this is it, this is when the ground acc swallows me up and i die

when his face breaks into this beautiful smile

“you think i’m pretty?”

his voice is so soft and pure

u r, on the other hand, about to collapse from embarrassment

and just nod and its like the day in the library all over

and he’s still smiling when he says “y/n, i think you’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen”

your stomach SWOOPS

IS THIS REAL LIFE

“i’ve wanted to say that for the longest time” he breathes and you notice just how close he is

“thats just,, i mean wow i didn’t know...” u manage to say

he leans in a little closer and his hands r burning a hole resting on ur thighs

the light is very brilliant as his head dips lower, breath on ur lips until he fills the gap between you

and im jaebum is kissing you

you barely remember to respond, but when you do, he leaves light kisses on ur lower lip, hand coming up to cup ur cheek 

ur entire body is on fire as he draws you closer, your hands going into his hair and feeling for the first time how soft it was 

wow u had really dreamed about this huh

he draws back a little bit, face incredibly close to yours and asks u “is this okay?”

,,,,,,,boi

“more than okay, this is perfect” you press him closer and all else is forgotten

send in requests!

*softly* pls, share ur thoughts about ur bois owo

aaa–i didn’t expect someone to ask, heck–ty anon!!! i’ll jus… eh… list em, i guess ;w;

under a cut bc i have,,, many feels about mine bois,,,

ok sO–

Journal stuff:

have i mentioned my werewolf!journal au? no? well that’s a thing bc i’m a sucker for werewolves sldkjfds

journal is a V Talented Boi ™ with a lotta different skills (ex: dance, scepter twirling, very knowledgeable on spell origins/details, various combat forms, as well as misc exercise to keep himself limber)

journal’s fear of failure and general anxiety can be traced back to his home life before he got kicked out

he used to be the leader of all the younger siblings!!!

likes pranking people and stockpiling sweets 

he likes to help out when people need little things done. if he can get away with fixing things or doing chores when people aren’t sure its him, he will. it’s validating to him ;w;

he jus wants approval. he’s like dying for it ;-;

he’s always doin his best!!!

doesn’t like asking for help, but if you notice and go about giving him assistance without making him feel inadequate, he’ll love u forever

down to fight a lotta the time

but usually won’t cuz he’d rather talk about nerd stuff than punch someone (unless they deserve it)

he’s just a really big nerd who could deck u if he wanted but would much rather ramble about spellwork and magic shows, and is always trying (even if he’s trying too hard lskdjfskd)

Roo stuff: 

fluffy freckle kitty i love him sm ;w;

roo might seem like a Baby Child ™, but he’s actually pretty mature

kitten son can pretty much take care of his own physical needs. it’s the need for someone to help him with/work through his anxiety/fear that makes him seem more childlike.

well, that, and his general cheery/bubbly/shy personality skldfjskdf

but he’s a good boi and he’s more mature than i feel i give him credit for!!!

he’s a good listener who really knows how to give advice!!!

the au where familiars feel their originator’s pain is,,, a fun one to use with him,,,,,, 

;3c

he’s my go-to son if i wanna think about completely obliterating someone’s heart in daydream world (sorry bby ;-;) (… kinda >:3)

sometimes he likes to dye himself different colors jus cuz he can

thinking about his feral form in an angsty context??? good stuff >:3

i really wanna do more with that, bc i feel like i haven’t done as much as i’d like

let me  a n g s t  the  b o i

on a lighter note, he really likes cuddles. jus. cuddle the child. pl e a s e

I wonder who stole & reposted this shot from USA Days?  Originally, I mean.  It's one of the better-traveled ones.  'S one of mine, of course, that I took from my copy.  See the glare to the left?  I have to hold the books open with my left hand and it's really hard to do with no fingers on that hand.  I try not to get my hand in frame (might gross people out), so the angle tends to end up odd.  The glare's the light from my ceiling fan.  It was the best shot I could get.

That was when I naively didn't watermark them so ppl just...took them when they felt like it bc that's just how the world is. Came up on my timeline just now, that tweet.  Account runner probably has no idea where the pic came from, how would they?  I'm nobody, and those pics were all stolen ages ago.  People were finding them on fuckin' pinterest, for heaven's sake.  I barely even know what that is.  So bringing it up would be silly - this is an honest-ignorance usage, not a theft.  I can actually tell the difference.  Those particular horses have long fled the stable...no point making a fuss about it, tbh.  Their circulation uncredited or sourced is like so many other things: simply beyond my control.

I try so hard to be nice, yunno?  I try to let ppl see things they wouldn't otherwise have access to.  I try to reduce the overall quantity of misery in the world in the tiny, inadequate, pathetic ways I can.  Make ppl smile, maybe.  Be kind.  Feel a bit useful.  'Course I always end up being used, not useful, and people just feel at perfect liberty to erase me from my own contributions.  I'm just....Bart with "Milpool" scribbled on his cast bc Milhouse couldn't even sustain the illusion he gave a shit long enough to sign his name before he moved on to taking advantage of what Bart provided while ignoring him, just like everybody else.

& I'm the one whose reaction is crazy and disproportionate, of course.  I'm the one who always has to smile and let it go and not say anything because even if I did, what would that solve?  What does it matter, don't make something out of nothing, you're not really hurt you just want attention, shut up about it already, who cares?  'S been that way my entire life.  I had an earache once when we went camping, couldn't have been more than 7 or 8...pain like a hot poker in my ear.  I was so scared.  I've never forgotten how much it hurt...I thought I was going to die.  And my father's response?  Shut the fuck up and go back to sleep, you're bothering the other campers.

Your terrified, hysterical sobbing is bothering the other campers.

So I shut the fuck up.  I lay there absolutely shaking with pain, surpressing the screams trying to claw their way out of my mouth, because any further noise would really set him off.  He's still like that.  I've never had an agony that wasn't, to his mind, made up to inconvenience him personally.  You internalize that, after a lifetime of it.  Anymore, I probably couldn't scream out loud if somebody set me on fire.

I let it go, I try to forget about it.  People hurt me and use me and throw me away like garbage, disregard my feelings, gaslight me, act like my pain is funny or trivial.  Time after time after time I'm the one who stands there saying "Well shucks, it's not that big a deal!" while the red hot poker keeps on burning up my insides.  I say nothing.  I regret it every time, otherwise.

The saddest thing...the saddest thing is if that girl who stole my gifs and words had just come to me and asked I'd have offered to show her how to make them.  I'd have probably said sure, you can just use these if you want, it's not like I spent ages on them.  Mine are very simple, not like the really nice ones people make.  I'm stupid as a bag of hammers, I can't figure out anything trickier.  Which is kinda soothing now in a way, because at least that whole set took maybe a few minutes instead of a few hours...what really bothered me was the plagiarism.  Words are all I have.  What passes for wit.  Without my thoughts I'm nothing, and she saw perfectly fit to steal those, too.  Is it a compliment?  It feels like collapsing from exhaustion and being used as furniture while I lay there groaning on the floor.

It's getting harder and harder to speak at all, to be honest.  To see the point.  Nobody gives a damn anyway.

I'm glad Shinsuke liked the post.  It's a cute account, that one, I can tell a lot of love goes into it.  Maybe I contributed to him smiling today, even if he'll never know it, even if nobody does.  What does it matter if nobody does?  I do.  There's no nobler contribution in the whole world than making him smile.  

I made him laugh, once.  I can still see how he looked...sunlight dancing on the water, the way he smiles when he laughs.  That laugh was for me, and nobody can steal it.  It keeps me going.

My grandfather’s death is still weighing very heavily on me. His funeral is over, and in its wake, I am pretty alone. Still not speaking to my roommate, which is my choice, I’m having a hard time forgiving her even though I know I should. My other roommate is gone. My family who got me through this is gone. I can’t work up the energy to contact any friends. I do need to focus on work, after all, I’ve been applying to some new jobs and trying, (most failing) to work on rewriting my book for what is supposedly the “last time” for the thousandth time in a row.

The funeral went well, as far as they go. My mother wanted me to read his poetry and mine for it. I also gave a speech. Ended up kinda regretting this bc it meant being approached by everyone afterwards (I mean, they were nice and showering me with condolences and compliments, but I hate talking to people haha). My mom cried a lot, I continued to Not, but I totally broke down the day he died, so I got most of it out then I guess.

My grandfather had an amazing life. He was WWII veteran, he was in the Navy and made radios, however he wasn’t fond of his time in the military and burned his uniform as soon as he came home. Regardless, he requested to be buried in the Veteran’s cemetery because he wanted to be “among neighbors.” When my mother was a child, in the 1950s, the KKK fire-bombed a commune near where he was living in Florida because they were helping and housing black people.

 The (white, of course) church my Papa attended ignored the tragedy, so my Papa stood up when they were passing out the donation plate and said the church should organize to help the commune and donate to them.

The next day, he lost his job. The clergy of the church were involved with the KKK, turns out. As the hostility in town grew towards him, Papa realized his family was no longer safe and had to leave town in the middle of the night. He never liked talking about this incident because he feels he should have done more, fought them, protested to the governor. 

Even if he feels it was inadequate, I think the fact he stood up like that shows what kind of man he was. Especially since he was also a civil rights activist involved with the human rights council. Even in the last years of his life, he wrote an entire poem about how sorrowful he was about the state of America under Donald Trump (it’s included in our book)

Papa was largely an enigma to me. He was very emotionally distant. I know his childhood was terrible and his mother was a fairly rabid Jehovah’s Witness. He wasn’t allowed to celebrate birthdays. He became a very staunch atheist at some point (I would have liked to know when he came to this conclusion- did he always feel it but hide it due to the conservative culture of the 1920′s-60s)?

 Despite all the amazing things he lived through, he didn’t like writing about them (”I can’t write emotionally” he told me once). His memoirs (which I typed for him) were focused on birds and nature. Nobody loved nature more than my grandfather. It was he who headed up the building our extended family’s cabin which sits in the middle of a huge stretch of mountainous forest property.  He knew every possible bird call and talked about it non-stop. Veterans gravestones get special symbols, and we chose the sand-hill crane for his due to his passion.

He was the caretaker for the local botanical gardens near my alma mater, UNCA for a time. He lived there, in a little house, and would pick me up from pre-school every day.

He prided himself on being a “intellectual’ and even in the last days of his life eagerly headed up discussions with us on subjects like immigration, “what it means to be a liberal” and euthanasia. 

My cousin tells me on the last day of his life he engaged her in a debate on “human sexuality”, which he declared to be a powerful force and folly. He also eagerly wanted to look for a “daisy tree” (he was a bit confused) and prompted my cousin to wheel him around outside. I wish I had been there.

I wasn’t able to do much for my grandfather and despite spending a lot of time with him, don’t feel I knew him as well as I should have. But I hope he knew what an impressive person he was, and I hope the fact I got him published, however amateur-ish my efforts were, gave him a little satisfaction.

He lived a very long time. Though the emotional strain of losing him makes me want to give up a lot, I also feel I should keep going because of him. He’d want me to write, he’d want me to be published. He’d scoff at the idea of an afterlife, but if there is one, I hope someday he can look on and see something he can be proud of from me. Because I’m proud of him. I wish I had told him that when I had the chance.