sleepy old men

La Douleur Exquise Pt 3 | Incubus!Yoongi AU

➵ summary: in which you accidentally summon an incubus in the middle of your shitty apartment and he won’t leave until you agree to have sex with him. until then, min yoongi, incubus extraordinaire, is now your sexually promiscuous and grumpy roommate. aka, the incubus au no one fucking asked for. ➵ warnings: emotionally constipated yoongi and reader but what else is new ➵ genre: fluff, angst, humor ➵ words: 4.4K ➵ a/n: this part was supposed to be 10K long, but I decided to cut it short and leave the other half to be in part 4 instead. sorry for the long wait!! hopefully this doesn’t seem too rushed lol

➵ part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4 // part 5 // part 6 // part 7

If scientists ever discovered a way to punch the sun, then you were sure you’d be the first one in line.

As the bright rays from the outdoors filtered into your small bedroom, you cursed past-Y/N for not having the forethought to close the blinds. You groaned tiredly, feeling the fatigue from your week of inadequate sleep still weighing heavily on your eyelids. You slowly stretched your tired limbs, your hands searching for something, or more specifically, someone.

While your twin-sized bed was usually only occupied by yourself, you distinctly remembered going to bed with a notoriously grumpy incubus the night before. But as your hands start reaching for the demon’s warmth, you were surprised to find that he wasn’t there. In fact, the sheets did not even feel remotely warm, making you assume that he had awoken maybe hours before yourself.

“What is the fucker doing now?” You muttered to yourself, groaning as your creaking joints protested after even the slightest movements. It was not without much complaining and cursing when you attempted to stand up, and not even bothering to check your disheveled reflection as you exited your bedroom in search of your grumpy demon roommate.

It did not take long for you to locate him since he was just standing by the stove, with a pair of cooking chopsticks in his hands and your pink frilly apron adorning his bare chest. You could hear the slight sizzle of the pan as he flipped what appeared to be an omelette the size of your head.

Your footsteps must had been louder than you had anticipated because Yoongi immediately turned around the moment you enter the small kitchenette.

Yoongi offered you a small grin (it looked more like a grimace, but you give him full points for trying). “’Sup,” was all he said as he finished plating the spectacular omelette on a plate for you. You could not help but notice that Yoongi had cooked the omelette exactly the way you made it for him: with a copious amount of bacon and cheese. You tricked yourself into thinking that the smile on your face was because you were finally getting to eat.

“This is all for me?”

“Fuck no. Half of it’s mine. But if you’re going to be a fatass and eat all of it, then I guess I’ll have to make myself another one.” He scoffed, but judging by the way he had already started to cook himself another omelette anyway, you guessed that he hadn’t meant a word he said.

“Sheesh, grouchy. Fine. Here, have my other half.” You teased, causing the demon to turn around in shock.

“W-wha—no! You finish that omelette, stupid! I was just joking! You need all the food you can get, asshole. Have you seen yourself lately? How am I supposed to fuck you if you look like you’re going to pass out any second now? That’s super rude you kno—“ You don’t get to hear his full rant, however, because Yoongi had suddenly stopped mid-sentence. His eyes were boggling comically wide when you promptly walked over to him to leave a chaste kiss on his cheek.

“What—huh—shit—fucker—fuck—!” He stammered, a stream of broken expletives escaping his mouth in disbelief. After having lost all speaking abilities, it was his shocked eyes that asked ‘what the fuck you think you were doing?’ since all signs of his functioning mental state had completely disappeared. You also don’t miss the slight blush creeping us his neck.

For a demon who could dirty talk like there’s no tomorrow, he definitely couldn’t handle a little bit of affection from a weak, sickly human.

Very much aware of his embarrassed state, the grin on your face was downright devilish. “Aww, is little Yoongi flustered from my little kiss?”

He flicked your forehead in retaliation, but it did nothing to stop your smirk from widening. “You motherfucker! You did that on purpose!”

You shrugged your shoulders, a small giggle escaping your lips. Yoongi would kill you if you ever told him that he was cute, but it didn’t stop you from thinking so. “Maybe so. It’s my way of saying thank you.”

It amused you greatly when the persistent blush along Yoongi’s neck refused to leave, even after he finished cooking his own omelette. When he had plated his food, you were amazed to see him actually eat like a normal person, taking regular sized bites instead of scarfing it down like an animal as he usually did. If your curious eyes irritated Yoongi, he chose not to address it, instead eating the omelette alongside you in peace.

It was an awkward type of peace; it was the type of silence that often encompassed two acquaintances who did not know what to talk about. It was when the conversation stilled and the two people find that there had nothing in common to talk about, save for the quarreling the two of you normally engaged in. Now that there was too much tension from the night before, it did not seem right to continue bickering as if nothing was wrong—as if you hadn’t looked like death from the night before.

The quiet did not last for long, as it seemed that whatever had been bothering Yoongi finally snapped him out of his odd muteness.

“We need to talk about last night. The tension in this fucking room is making my asshole clench,” he said, his fork clattering noisily onto his plate.

You barely glanced up at the demon, instead opting to go the route you normally went to—teasing. “Aww, is Yoongi worried about lil ol’ me? If I had known your heart would grow three times bigger if I stopped eating, maybe I should’ve done it sooner,” you tried joking lightly, before finally looking up from your plate and expecting to find an irritated or angry Yoongi scowling back at your petulance.

You find neither of those emotions. If you had to name the emotion swimming in Yoongi’s eyes, you could only liken it to fear.

Oh.

So he had been worried.

The teasing immediately died in your throat. “Oh,” you muttered weakly, glancing away from his intense stare and choosing to play with your food instead. “You were serious.”

You heard him snort disbelievingly. “You fucking think? You looked like you were going to die last night. Why haven’t you been eating? Don’t think I haven’t noticed; also, stop playing with your food. I’m not leaving you alone until you finish every bite.”

You paused. A perpetually irritated and grouchy Yoongi? You were used to handling his daily mood swings. But a genuinely worried and maybe even caring Yoongi? This was unlike any encounter with him that you had ever faced.

Your silence was starting to annoy Yoongi. “Well? What’s up?”

It took you a while to choose the appropriate words. Eventually finding none, you decided to just reply bluntly. “I’m saving up on money.”

Yoongi’s glare (Fuck, had he been glaring? He was actually trying to be nice, believe it or not) stopped short. Yoongi looked at you confusedly. “What? What do you mean? I thought you were working, which is how you fucking acquire money. Or am I missing something here?”

Despite being unable to meet his eyes, the undivided attention you could sense he was giving you made you fidget in your seat. You were used to his lustful gazes and miffed glares, but this stare wasn’t like any those times. What was happening? Fuck.

“Well? Am I missing something here?”

Sighing heavily, you finally managed to gather enough courage to explain your dilemma to Yoongi. “Alright, here it goes.” You shrugged, already preparing yourself for his teasing.

Basically, you had been short on cash recently because you had been sending too much of your salary back to your parents—more than you should be. In addition to the extra mouth to feed (i.e. Yoongi), you decided to cut some expenses in order to keep supporting both your family and Yoongi. One of those expenses happened to be your breakfast and dinner, since you managed to get lunch for a discounted price at the diner you worked at. You supposed that with the upcoming exams and stressful work environment, all your missed meals and lack of sleep had finally caught up with you last night.

“I’m pretty pathetic, aren’t I? I’m so stupid; I can’t even getting eating right.” You tried laughing it off, but you couldn’t quite hide how forced it sounded; it sounded like nails scraping against a chalkboard.

When you were talking, you had been too scared to make eye contact with Yoongi, too fearful to find his judging eyes staring back at you. It was bad enough that you didn’t function like a normal human being, what with not enjoying sex and all that, so you didn’t need to feel more like a loser any more than you should. But after waiting a couple of moments when you had finished speaking, you were confused as to why Yoongi still had not uttered a single word in response.

Swallowing drily, you forced your eyes upwards, bracing yourself for whatever expression Yoongi might be wearing. To your intense confusion, you found that he had no expression, his face stoic and unmoving. For some reason, you felt your heart drop in disappointment, but you weren’t quite sure why. He didn’t seem like he was judging you, so why were you sad?

Were you really crestfallen that maybe he had never been worried at all? Had you been hallucinating when you thought Yoongi could have been genuinely worried about you?

When your eyes met, Yoongi had only muttered a simple “oh” before continuing to eat his omelette. He never brought up the subject again.

The day passed without another word, and everything went back to its proper place.

Or so it seemed.

Except, some things had changed, and you would be an idiot not to notice them.

You go to work as per usual for the next couple of days. Unlike your usual routine, however, you found that you no longer needed to cook Yoongi his breakfast because he would already be gone by the time you had awakened. You never really told him that he wasn’t allowed to leave the apartment, seeing as how he was, for the most part, a functioning adult, so it wasn’t really your right to tell him what he could and could not do. It was still a surprise to find him missing every morning, as he had never left the apartment prior to what you have now labeled “The Collapsing Incident.”

You couldn’t help but feel lonely in the mornings, as you found yourself missing his vulgar comments and unwanted sexual advances. You had actually found your daily bickering to be a favorite part of your mornings, when Yoongi would be complaining about something completely mundane while you nagged at him to do something useful.

It was a weird sensation, and you weren’t sure whether you wanted to psychoanalyze yourself or not.

Although, you never had to worry whether he ever came home because you always knew that he be back around midnight. When he would think you were fast asleep, you would feel your bed dip slightly, his warm body gently encasing you in an embrace. You would fight to keep your breathing steady, lest he found out that you were aware of his nightly cuddles. Once again, you realized that you don’t actually mind this. You even went as far as to snuggle closer to him, seeking the warmth you never knew he could offer. Your brain told you to blanch and remove yourself from him, but your limbs never paid it any attention.

You promised yourself that if he ever made any move on you while you were asleep, you would immediately punt him across the galaxy and castrate him with a dull spoon. However, Yoongi never made a move to touch you, other than the sweet embraces he would give you. Nothing sexual ever happened, and you weren’t sure whether you understood why this was happening in the first place.

The both of you were supposed to hate each other. Well, maybe not hate, but you certainly weren’t supposed to just platonically cuddle with a sex-crazed demon. This went against everything you had ever known to be true. It was confusing, and your sleepy brain was much too tired to deal with the specifics.

And so, both of you went to sleep.

By the time morning came, he would already be gone.

––♡♡♡––

He never took off without leaving a little surprise, though. Every morning, you would always find some breakfast ready, with a small note from Yoongi saying that if you didn’t eat it, he’d jack off in your bed (or at least, that’s what you think he wrote, because his handwriting was horrendous.) Even though his breakfasts were usually just simple sandwiches or even some shitty instant pancakes, he’d always leave some without fail.

There was one particular morning when Yoongi had shocked you the most. On your small kitchen table was a spectacular assortment of breakfast food, from omelettes and bacon to French toast and oatmeal. All of the things on the table looked absolutely delicious, but you couldn’t help but wonder where he could have gotten the ingredients. You suspected some thievery was done here, but you weren’t sure whether Seokjin would actually have this much ingredients in his pantry, nor were you sure whether Yoongi was actually that amazing of a thief that he was able to steal of all of this without alerting anyone.

Yoongi had left another note for you that morning, explaining how he “had overcooked for himself and everything here is just leftovers so don’t let the food go to waste, idiot.” Uhuh, sure Yoongi. Leftovers meant that you had to actually touch the food, when all of these dishes seemed new to you.

(His eggs benedict? To die for. But you definitely wouldn’t tell Yoongi that.)

Despite these weirdly sweet gestures from Yoongi, you didn’t exactly feel assured just knowing he was alive and not knowing what exactly he was doing when he went off doing whatever it was he did.

Your suspicions were raised even further after coming home one afternoon from school when you “coincidentally” crossed paths with Seokjin, the handsome neighbor from before. He had asked you where Yoongi had been going to these past couple of days, explaining that he was shocked to see that Yoongi had actually donned a shirt during his daily escapades.

“You’ve seen Yoongi leave in the morning?”

“Oh yes, I have. You don’t know where he’s been going either?” You shook your head.

“Ah, so you don’t know why he was wearing shirt then? I was so surprised when I saw him—and it was a nice shirt, mind you. Although, I was quite confused when he had gone out in a shirt that looked eerily similar to one of my own—a shirt which I haven’t seen in my closet these past few weeks...” he trailed off, but you quickly dashed into your apartment before he could make any connections.

What was Yoongi doing? You don’t think you had ever seen Yoongi wear a shirt, much less a nice one, as Seokjin had put it. What if he was...

Dangerous thoughts, Y/N. Let’s stay focused.

Alright. Time to stop overthinking things and just get shit done. If you wanted to know what was happening, you were going to have to take matters into your own hands.

After a week had passed, you had finally had enough. So, you stayed up one night in order to corner him just as he had gotten back home.

It was around 1AM when Yoongi arrived, your ears alerted of the tired sigh coming from the doorway.

When Yoongi entered the living room, he was surprised to see that you were still sitting on the couch, seemingly watching a show on the television. That is, until he realized that the television was on mute and that you had probably been waiting for him to get home.

His surprise morphed into a scowl, which you assume was because his face was merely reverting back to its natural state (unbeknownst to you, Yoongi had actually been pouting because he had been excited to cuddle you while you were asleep, but he definitely wouldn’t be caught dead saying that to your face.)

You decided to cut to the chase. “Where have you been going everyday? Where have been getting money to buy all my food in the morning? Have you been eating? And when did you start wearing a shirt?” You asked, the questions flowing from your mouth one after the other.

Yoongi just brushed you off, going to the kitchen instead of answering. “What do you want to eat for dinner?” He asked, already pulling out a pan and some ingredients.

While you were sort of used to the little breakfast surprises in the morning, Yoongi never really asked you about dinner since he always got home so late (he just silently hoped that you would eat dinner on your own accord, which you didn’t. Idiot.)

“Tell me what you’re doing first.”

Yoongi rolled his eyes. “What does it matter? I’m going to cook spaghetti, and you’re not allowed to complain.”

“I don’t give a flying fuck about the spaghetti!” You screamed, extremely frustrated by his offhandedness. Amidst your exasperation was a bit of nervousness too, and you knew that it was absolutely ridiculous.

In the back of your mind, numerous questions began to form. What if he was seeing someone? He was an incubus after all! You were aware that he had his... special needs. He wasn’t shy when he expressed these needs to you, and since you weren’t capable of satiating them... Was he...?

For some reason, those thoughts left a sour taste in your mouth.

You poked him in the shoulder, hard. He yelped, almost spilling the open packet of spaghetti sauce. You peered over his shoulder to see that the brand was of pretty high quality, and definitely not something you would normally have in your pantry.

“Did you steal that from Seokjin again?” You accused.

“For your information, no. I bought it.”

“How? I only leave like $20 for you everyday, and you haven’t been taking them recently. Are you stealing?”

You both had a stare down, the tension in the room rising slowly by the minute. After a while, Yoongi eventually acquiesced, tired from the day and wanting to finally get some sleep (and cuddle with you.)

“You’re so fucking stupid, you know that?” He shook his head, returning to his pot of spaghetti.

You glared at him, eyebrow twitching in what you thought was a menacing manner (but Yoongi differed.) “How does that have to do with anything? I’ll have you know that I am highly qualified to—“

“I got a job, you idiot.”

That stopped you mid sentence for sure. You gaped at him, not really sure you had heard him right because in what dimension would Yoongi, grouchy and lazy incubus extraordinaire, would willingly go out day and night to work?

In the back of your mind, you wondered—hoped that he was doing this for you. That he really was worried when you had collapsed, and that maybe he liked you the way you—

Stop. No. Those are dangerous thoughts. You are treading dangerous territory. Back off.

You tried clearing your head a bit, so instead you asked “Is that right? Then tell me this: what have you been doing for work then?”

Judging by your stare, you both knew what you were implying. He was an incubus, after all. What better way to earn money than by doing what he was created to do? Selling his body for sex—it was too easy.

Instead, you were surprised again by how he rolled his eyes at you. “I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. I’m not a fucking prostitute.”

You looked at him defensively. “I didn’t say anything!”

“You were thinking it.” He retorted. Ok, true.

“Well, fine. You’re right. But I’m just wondering, why didn’t you just... become one? Isn’t that like, the easiest method for you?” You reasoned, saying method in air quotes.

Yoongi didn’t reply. Why hadn’t he? You were right; it was clearly the easiest way to acquire money. So why did he choose to work at some dingy production studio when he could earn hundreds more cash by having sex?

But he couldn’t reply, because he didn’t know why.

He was rubbing his neck, a nervous tick you noticed he did whenever he wanted to avoid something he didn’t want to deal with. He coughed, clearing his throat. “A-anyway, whatever. The point is, I got a job. A legal job, mind you. You don’t need to worry about feeding me anymore. Besides, I have been a bit of a freeloader, and I don’t want you missing meals for me because I don’t like my partners half-dead. Also, I wouldn’t even be needing to be fed if you would just let me fuck you already then I could be on my merry way, but noooo you don’t want to so now I’m here, feeling guilty as fuck because I’m the reason you’re so damn tired all the time and honestly this whole situation is kinda shitty for you, so I’m just trying to make things better—“

He didn’t even know what the fuck he was saying at that point, with some of his innermost thoughts accidentally mingling into his words. He could have gone on revealing even more of his embarrassing feelings when he suddenly felt your lips touch his cheek, immediately stopping him in his tracks.

Just like that morning many days ago, you had kissed him on the cheek again. He paused in his movements and really looked at you. A brief silence encompassed the two of you before you suddenly pull his face towards yours. And goddamn, he lets you.

So you kissed him on the other cheek. Then you kissed his nose, his eyelids, and his forehead. It was only when you press your foreheads together when he noticed: you were crying.

In the back of Yoongi’s mind, your voice echoed, “It’s my way of saying thank you.”

Yoongi cupped your face gently, tilting it upwards so that your own teary eyes made contact with his own. He was searching for something; for what, neither of you knew.

“Wha—?” You hiccupped, your eyes bugging at his odd demeanor. Did he want you to stop?

“Just be quiet. Continue what you were doing.”

“I—ok. Ok.”

“Ok.”

The only noise that filled you small apartment was the hushed sounds of lips meeting skin. Yoongi nuzzled his nose deep into your neck, making you sigh in contentment. It was as if time had stopped; you were no longer aware of what happened outside of this moment. It was only you and Yoongi—nothing more, nothing less.

If the warm feeling in Yoongi’s chest felt so damn good, then why did your tears taste so bitter? In the back of Yoongi’s mind, he swore that he would never let your tears spill ever again.

Suffice to say, the spaghetti was left forgotten.

After a while, Yoongi deemed it was getting too late and decided it was time for you to get some sleep. As Yoongi started pulling you by the hand to your bedroom, it was only then when you thought to break the silence.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” You whispered, voice shaking as much as your hands were. Yoongi grip tightened on yours; he wished they wouldn’t shake at all.

“I could ask the same to you.”

When the two of you reached your bed, Yoongi lifted the covers for you, allowing you to enter the bed first before staring awkwardly at you, unsure of what to do. You managed to send a small smirk to him.

“Why so shy all of a sudden? You’ve been sleeping in my bed for a week now.”

Yoongi spluttered. “Wait, you knew?” And you hadn’t been disgusted?

The bed shuffled as you moved to the side, making space for Yoongi. You tugged his arm forward. He lets you. (He’s so fucking stupid sometimes.)

“Just come here. Let’s sleep.”

Despite sleeping in the same bed together with the both of you still conscious, no “merrymaking” was done that night, and Yoongi amazed himself once again when he realized that he was perfectly fine with that.

If anyone ever found out that the sex-addicted demon was getting the fuzzies from a couple of nights cuddling with you, he was sure that he would be executed on the spot. But when your small hands cupped his face so tenderly in the quietness of your room, Yoongi couldn’t find it within himself to care, not when he felt this warm.

You snuggled up to each other, with your head resting on his chest, and you fell asleep like that. The last thing you heard was the sound of his heart as it slowly faded away from your mind, losing yourself to the dreamless abyss. It was the best sleep you had in ages.

It was in that moment, when he was watching the small puffs of air being exhaled from your open mouth and your eyelashes fluttering in your sleep, that Yoongi wondered for the first time in his life if this was what it would have felt like to be human. If it was, then humans were the luckiest creatures on earth.

Not for the first time, he yearned. But this was the first time he had ever yearned for something more than anything instantaneously gratifying.

The thought scared him—that you were able to wrap yourself so tightly around his life in just a few weeks. He knew that he should be careful, that he should not forget who he was above all else.

But as the warmth from your body slowly lulled him into slumber, he honestly couldn’t give a damn in that moment, especially when he had never felt this content in his life.

For once, Yoongi was happy, and he yearned for it to stay that way. Because the devil only knew how much he fucking deserved this.

––♡♡♡––

But alas, the moment does not last.

When the two of you awaken, the warm feeling in Yoongi’s chest had long since turned cold.

Yoongi’s time was running out.

Dag volume 4 ok its been a while now since i updated my dag post sooooooo.... its time its been a few weeks or so and i have had a meriade of dumb fucks roll through here but non was as big of a cluster fuck as this family! this guy was a grade a prostitues asshole cover in warts and his family were more needy than Alec Baldwin is a man child. it happened at the Grand Rod Run a few weeks back and it has taken me some time to sit down and type this up soo... 9/13/2013 3pmish its was another rod run, the parking lot was packed and i was maning the helm and sitting on 2 rooms left to rent for the night. i wanted them gone fast so i could flip the "no"sign on and sit down and continue vectoring a project i was working on. *dag walks in with a walk of arogance...no shit, just sunters in like he fucking owns the place or like he is the fucking president or some shit* me- good afternoon, welcome to the RSML (RiverSide Motor Lodge) dag- wheres johny me- (fucking dick, must be one of johnys friends) im sorry johny no longer works for us (because i fired his ass! mawahahahha) dag- cute, wheres he at, i need a room. me- -.- (hurrr we go) well like i said he is no longer with the company, we changed hands back in march and my aunt and myself are now the new owners of the property. we felt that he was holding the business back and loosing us money so i let him go. dag- look, i know the rutine, john told you to say he no longer works here so he can take the show off. but what i need you to do is call him so i can get my usual rate, i drove 9 hours to get here and im very tired and want a room. *dags family walks in, a fat wife with 2 small children with here. one stuck in a fat roll the other in perpetual orbit around her midsection like one of jupitur's moons* me- (wow, this guy might be retarted) sir as i already explained to you, johny no longer works, or is in any way a acting manager or affiated with RSML. i have his discharge papers in the back if you would like to see them, i am one of the new owners here and would be more than happy to help you. (there, see i can be a nice guy) dag- wtf do you mean he is no longer affiliated with you, hes the owner! (this is a very comon thing, johny told everyone he was the owner im guessing to get laid or some shit and now he has like 30 people who expect to stay for free now) me- -.- sir he was never the owner, he was our gm, if he told you other wise he was a lier and this was one of the reasons he was let go. he was costing us almost 100,000 a year due to bad management and pour business skills so we elected to not rehire him. dag- so johnys not the owner... me- (for reals bro? dafuq you not understand ingrish?) never was.....e.e >>>>~~~~~~ dag- well... i need a room, john always saved me one for the rod run. me- (tough shit, im putting you in one of the fuck huts where the bed is covered in semen and used rubbers) yes sir i have 2 rooms left, both of them 1 queen jacuzzi suites. dag: i have 2 kids and my wife with me, we all cant sleep in a 1 queen suite, i need a bigger room me- (first off, thats a marine creature, not a wife and those two parasitic lampray you call kids can sleepoutside for all i care) im sorry sir but those are the only rooms i have, now they do have a pull out couch you can use. next year you may want to make reservations with us to garuntie what room you get. dag- well it willhave to do. how much, remeber johny usually gives me a really good rate. me- (i dont give a good god damn if johny sucked your dick everynight before you went to bed!) the room is 165.00 plus tax dag- wtf johny only charges me 59.95 a night when i come up here!!! me- hince why we fired him dag- this is out ragous! (watch this dumb motherfucker will still pay it) me- (no your wife is out ragous! just look at that magestic beast!) im sorry but those are the rates. (buy this time the kids are teasing my parrot, we have a 27 year old parrot that has been in the business since we open. on his cage in 3 different places it says *danger, the bird bites!*. so naturaly the little shits are trying to poke him) me- you might wont to stop your kids from sticking there fingers in the cage, the bird bites. dag- for 165 we should beable to take the bird home! me-(what ever, chances are they will be just as retarted as you anyway, whats the lose of a few fingers) ok but if they get bit its on you *iring him up andhand him his keys to his sestpool* *on the way out the door, i hear a sharp, squeal from a small child. the one that was stuck in the manaties fat roll had worked her hand free and stuck it in the bird cage. peppy, our bird, took offence to this and bit the shit out of her finger. oh yes....there was blood.....* dag- your fucking bird just bit my kid! me- ( /).- not shit...the bird bit her.,....just like i said she would... WELL FUCK ME IM SHOCKED! I CANT BELIVE THAT HAPPENED AFTER I SAID IT WOULD! PRAISE BE TO JESUS! IF A FUCKING MIRICALE.... dumbass) sir if you will remeber and also read one of the many signs on the cage, i said the bird bites and you may want to restrain your kids from sticking there fingers in there. dag- you should have a bird that bites in your main lobby, its a liability. me- (so is having a walrus follow you around, i hear its mating season and they can get testy when horny) well most people dont stick there fingers in a cage with signs on it that say * danger, this bird bites* on it. dag- what about kids? what do you do about that? me- I TELL THERE PARENTS NOT TO LET THEM DO THAT JUST LIKE I DID WITH YOU (YOU DUMB FUCK) dag- *evil look* me- *eviler grin* (your move bitch....) *dag walks out with out further conflict* -2 HOURS LATER- *phone rings* me-.........no....were full.....im not answering *ring,ring,ring* me- i swear the fuck to god that i will set you on fire if you say "do you have any rooms left" *ring ring ring* me- i get it...for fuck sake......*ahem* rsml dag- hey me- yes sir dag- we aint got no sheets, for 165 a night i expect to have extra sheets. me- have you checked the drawers in the.... dag- yes we looked everywhere me- (how about your wifes fat ass? huh, didnt think so) ok no problem we have them down here in the office. dag- run me up a set *hangs up* me-.....dafuq? FUCK YOU! *goes back to reading "the fall of five" and eating m&m's* 30 MINS LATER *dag walks in* dag- hey, wheres my sheets? i thought i told you to run them up to me me- im sorry i must have forgot (FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHEETS) *dags family walks in, goes to the pool to swim* dag- you mean i have to actually come down to get the sheets i need? me-im sorry for the trouble but im the only one here right now and cant leave the desk dag- fine....ill get the sheets later then. *dag walks out to the pool* -later that day_ me- *looking at the security cams in the pool area* ....und her vee hove zee megestic hoomp back whale in ur natural habilitat. und watch as shee floots gracafully true ze wotur......*phone rings*....damn it! thats was a spot on Jacques Cousteau impression! *anwers phone* me- front desk guest- yes my daughter was just down there and she went to the ladies room and she said it was so dirty that she felt like she needed a shower me-(oh no...thats not good...no no no no no!) im sorry mam i will go and look into that right now guest- she said it was like a wild animal was in there me-.....O.O (the shebeast!) yes mam i wil....... guest- she says it was everywher me- mam guest- the nastiest me- maaaam guest- like a bomb went of me- MAM! guest- yes? me- ill take care of that. guest- ok thank you me- *click!* me-..... this can only mean one thing.....the shebeast....she took a duce! *gets up to check bathroom, upon entering venting area im hit with a fragrance of shit so foul that im sure that it could make satan himself say "GAWD DAYUM!"* me- holy fuckers! *opens womens room door* me-....O.O.....mother of god...... *im not sure who or what was in there but this is what i imagin happened* Poultrygeist Night of the Chicken Dead fat guy crapping - YouTube me- im sooooo not cleaning this up...... *locks doors and goes home*

Okay just because I'm trying to lull myself to sleep, I'm going to make a fan cast of persona character types. Feel free to name or add suggestions tho. Ideally all would be introduced well enough in advance before the halfway point where you can establish links and amass skills without a tight schedule. Also just assume you can date whoever because the player character can be whatever you want.

Setting: college, because why not? It's under represented and probably closer to the core audience (also everyone is legal so there's no controversy there). Its not really a specialized college- dare I say it could be a community college

Protagonist: standard student that applied and got in. Wild card Fool, starting persona deals ice damage, designed as kind of a white and light blue dragonoid human type with a scarf cape, a battle ax, and is an all around balanced type. The final form that I'd hope you can use before the final battle is a jet black and dark blue six winged dragon looking fucker with dual ice axes, an axe tail, and a masked face. Probably a metaphor for forbidden wisdom or something, maybe even an antithesis to the evil villain.

Mascot: we've had a robot and dog, a bear, and a cat. Now its a talking raven. Doesn't fight but is introduced early on as the weakness spotter type and remains that way. As your links go up, it gains advantages against your foes. Its first Persona is probably a 3 feet crow with eyes all over its wings, then after learning more about him it evolves into a mass of light and black wings with wheels of eyes perpetually rolling around it. Very sassy, very stubborn, doesn't care for men or women, very much likes coin. Totally not a dude or a portion if the enemy's power given form.

Girl A: the jock type, very flirty with everyone, the type that thinks crop tops and bikini tops are appropriate year round probably. The very funny but incredibly dumb one that wants to go pro in America or something. Fights with clubs and probably has an ogre club by the end of it. Her persona is probably Earth element (if that exists) and is like an Amazon lady type with huge muscles, evolves into a six armed huge muscle goddess- or maybe a girly Star Platinum.

Guy 1: I'm gonna be real: I liked my persona enough that I'm putting it here and adapting the self insert here. The funny big guy that hides his mental scars with jokes and self deprecating talk, and a writer wannabe that struggles with inspiration, otherwise tired and bored. The persona is just a dude in all black with a bird head helmet and flaming raven wings, has a flaming sword in one hand and an arm revolver on the other. Evolves into a guy in black and blue with blue anime shades on its chest and helmet, four wings, flames replaced with blue laser energy, wings on its feet, both arms are cybernetic cannons that can also turn into light sabers. This guy also probably uses dual swords and specializes in Agi.

Girl B: totally the hot goth girl and probably best girl by aesthetics if we're going by how the audiences have judged in the past. Probably sass and crash, reserved, but passionate about making a better world and rebelling for good causes. Has a secret weakness for very cute things and very spooky things. Halloween is her favorite holiday probably. Persona is probably Curse based and starts out as a Medusa type with loads of giant snakes wrapped around it. Evolves into a Grim Reaper succubus type with snakes around twin scythes. She probably uses a lance.

Guy 2: so this guy looks gigantic. You expect him to bench press cars or something, and he's tall and scary looking. Actually a timid, shy guy inside that has a fair bit of social anxiety- definitely best boi. His dad wants him to pursue sports, but he wants to act! His Persona probably is a a fairy like that's tiny but specializes in wind and recovery. Evolve it and it turns into an angel with peacock feathers. Probably uses his fists begrudgingly.

Girl C: the total genki type that is a bit of a spazz but very loveable and silly- best girl by personality. Goth girl would probably her Yukiko to spazz's Chie, if you catch my drift. She just wants everyone to get along and aspires to teach children someday. Her persona is probably a Zio element bunny fighter type and evolves into like a super cool winged jackalope type. She most definitely uses a comically large hammer as a weapon.

Guy 3: the Junpei, Ryuji, and Yosuke of the group- a dude bro type nerd that up until recently was probably a NEET and is a major light novel and manga nerd atop of a sports buff. His persona is probably a gundam or mech that has a glowing reactor core, making it Nuclear typing. When it evolves it probably turns into a mecha lion that uses claws to fight, so same to this guy.

Girl D: probably the super preppy upper class daughter of the dean. Maybe a bit snobby but everyone kind of coaxes her into being nicer all around. Very much a genius but a total ditz. Secretly investigating her father. Her Persona would probably deal with psychic power and probably be some kind of puppet ballerina thing, evolving into a dancer with sword feet and arms of some kind. She definitely uses an estoc.

Velvet room: so the velvet room here is probably just a classroom at night, always slowly moving to dawn until the end of the game. Of course Igor is there, but your attendant this time besides him is totally...

Attendant: glasses teacher, here to tutor you and fuze persona for you. Unlike most attendants she would probably be a bit more useful to the story and leave the velvet room of her own accord to help you and the gang somehow. She's a know it all, but rather curious of books and culture. Very much a sucker for sweets beneath her calm facade. Constantly mistakes friendly gestures as romance and romantic gestures as confusing.

Theming: probably the educational system being a draining expensive hell hole prison of some kind.

Shout out to the city of Portland.. y'all put up with my Bullshit and keep me safe. Especially the PD and SP.. the paramedics, not so much.. you fuckers stole my phone and ducktaped my sunburned ass like 80% to a hard ass gurny and treated me like shit and threatened to throw me in the grass.. then gave me a nutbag knockout shot and stole my phone and changed my gmail password. As for the citizens.. you're all very nice. I haven't met a mean one yet except that crazy bitch at the park who said she was gonna stab me while I was drinking box wine with Geno. Do it Skankly! Beat it fuckin weirdo.. had to yell at her forever to leave. Geno was yelling too!! Y'all confuse me sometimes.. I don't realize that everything I say has such an impact on somebody somewhere but that's my opinion and if you don't like it, don't listen.. as for you ladies in the park screaming nigga bitch or wtf ever, y'all made me smile so many times. Yes, I realized I sang part of a 3 6 mafia song that I fuckin love, sang by nigga's I love and I can say that cause I'm hotter than Shady and protected by the United States, maybe the world.. I dunno.. Nah, Stfu you funny ass wannabe bitches, you ain't even mean.. you were having fun. Me? Racist? Fuck you.. I'm racist against punks and fakes, racists and flakes.. my dad tried to brainwash me at an early age but I always felt there was something wrong with it and every time I have felt guilty.. go suck a dick with bitch made Cody. Love the eye contact initiative.. sounds familiar huh? Its nice to finally have people respecting each other. Proud of you Snowboarder! The only scary thing you see in someone else's eyes is that they are seeing you at the same time. You are respecting yourself and others by not being afraid. If everyone felt equally respected there wouldn't be that nature, dominance need to dominate. I bet things would change hugely all over. Respect is huge.. take away that when that's all you have left and what do you expect to happen? Violent homeless people or convicts or even gang members, relationships.. "I felt disrespected," would probably be number one. Be respectful, eye contact is respectful.. y'all forgot that and now you get busted up for doing it in a weak way. I'm sure it will be hard for a lot of people. Its just like drug addicts, its shame or fear that puts the eyes away. You automatically give up respect of yourself for doing that saying, "I'm weaker cause I will allow it but please leave me alone if I give up all respect." Don't do that!! I love it when people look me in the eye. I feel respected and like I am allowed to show that respect back. I look everyone in the eyes except women when I'm in a bad mood. I don't want to convey any of my ill will towards a woman. You never know what kind of life or trauma they have had. I didn't even look that bitch in the eye I was screaming at to leave me alone and I had my back turned most of the time. Don't hate.. if you were there.. she was a psycho. Eventually she got tired of hearing us yelling and she mosied on. What else? There are some people that approach me when I'm down just to try to cheer me up.. and I'd like to thank you. You help me more than you know. All it takes is a little kindness to lift someone's day. Even one selfless act of kindness per person would go a long way. One thing I disagree with around these towns with a lot of homeless people and a moral I created in myself.. is these lazy ass, robotic, gimme gimme, pinball homeless people that bounce between every single person down the block asking for cigs or change.. those guys don't give a fuck about you like 0%.. don't give them shit man. They are bums expecting selfish handouts selfishly.. try to engage them in conversation. There are a lot of people who just have hard times and would love to talk through a cig. They'd even give you a shirt or some food if they had it, directions.. there are very nice people down there.. even the crazy ones.. who deserve eye contact too. I guarantee you if you stop giving the lazy bums cigs.. they won't make eye contact at first but they will have to start being more sociable and positive and becoming part of society if they want hand outs. Adapt and change.. small steps like that will improve overall attitude and the populations self worth. A society that respects itself isn't one that's ruled by fear. I dunno, it makes dollars and cents to me and best of all that's a society change that's free and if accepted it would greatly improve morale, self worth, community, an attitude adjustment for the homeless to adopt a more positive lifestyle and to mingle with the community increasing communication and overall self awareness. Once again.. thank you to everyone around here in Portland that I directly or indirectly interact with, you are all beautiful in your own way. And to you fuckin toxic waste dumps that can't take a joke or keep your mouth shut, I'm not sorry that I pissed you off bitch. You keep talking and running your mouth and I guarantee that I'm gonna say some worse shit. I don't care how hard you are.. you's bitch made and you remind me of a hoe nigga so you can kiss my--- grit!! Bass Ackwards, right? Your not supposed to bump your gums.. dish lumps or eat jello at the hospital but quit that noise pollution. Remember in school, you'd fight and then be friends? Respect. Respect is also shutting up. Noise pollution is like Chihuahua bitch ass dry snitch (up in your face while the po po is sitting at the light so he'll break it up) shit. I live by a whole different code than most of you guys.. I'm constantly learning and trying to become a better person, little by little. Change is hard, that's why y'all be trapped in a perpetual cycle of fucked upness and life never gets better. The easy road isn't really that easy, huh? It fuckin sucks!! A little effort goes a long way.. Never give up when you want to succeed. No matter how big the hill is you have to climb.. you'd be surprised how much more you are capable of doing than you actually do. And most of all.. stay positive Portland. You get what you put in.

Euphoria - Huge motha-fuckin-rant on Portland, Or. The nicest place in Oregon that I've lived so far..