Few things more mortifying than someone 'complimenting' you on a physical feature of your human body they 'know most people don't find attractive'; either they're a self-absorbed weirdo who takes all their social cues from YA fantasy protagonists (bad) or it's deliberate negging in order to get close to you (worse)

New friends coming your way. Choose a pencil.

Pile 1 - green

Can be 2 friends too. They feel like very understanding, you can talk to them about everything, emotionally mature. I feel creative energy too, so if you have a hobby, maybe you can do it together. I think they will be good to your self-esteem, they bring hope to your life. You can be more relaxed and harmonious with them. For some of you, they will help you to heal your trauma. I think you will spend a lot of time together. Can be friends who you meet online, but even than you can meet irl or you will talk to them online a lot. They are cheerful, optimistic and they are in peace with themself.

Pile 2 - orange

For some of you, there is a romantic interest, and they can be like a real friend too. So you will be lovers but friends too. Or with a friend it can be more than just friends. I feel 2 energy anyway, one is feel like a free spirit, creative, intuitive, likes to learn. The other is like the life of the party type. Charming, very good at communication, funny, optimistic, energetic. It can be that you are in a group, some hobby, sport, something and you can meet one of them there. I heard singing too, a book club, a dance team. I feel the creative energy flowing. Maybe you are a writer, and you can inspire each other. You can do something together. With the other person too, but they feel like someone from school or work. So it feels like you are not just friends but working on something together too. You are good influence to each others life. The only problem is that you don't have always enough time for each other I feel.

Pile 3 - blue

I think either you or one of your friend will be moving city, and it will be hard. Or your future friend will live far away, so either way it's hard to meet. It can be that one of your good friend is moving and you are still want to be friends like before but it's impossible. It can be that it's not literally moving, but they are in another period of their life than you and you just don't have so much common anymore than before. It can be sad, but don't isolate yourself too long and try to move on when you are ready. Because there will be new friends coming your way, specifically 2 people can be close friends. One is brave and confident, but can be a little reckless, but they are good to inspire others to not be afraid to take a chance. Other is more mature, calm, wise, I think they can help you to get a better job or meet someone even. I feel they are independent and rich. Or they just have this attitude, so you can be more free like them, more carefree, you will be worry less.

AITA for name dropping some of my friends’ connections?

i (20X) have multiple friends that have connections to pretty famous internet celebrities, creators, etc. i wouldn’t call them household names, because a lot of them are pretty contained to solely online presences, but definitely names most twitter/tumblr users would recognize. i won’t go into too much detail for privacy reasons, but essentially, i’m two degrees of separation from a LOT of popular internet creators.

this isn’t something i talk about often, if really at all. i’ll mention these people to my irl friends all the time, because they’re also my friends, but never about their connections (unless it’s relevant at the time). i met almost all of them naturally, some without even knowing about their connections, either having common interests, or being in the same discord, fanproject, etc. i didn’t befriend them in an attempt to get closer to whatever celebrity they know is what i’m trying to say. at least two of them even made said connection after we’d become acquaintances.

college recently started again, and me and my roommates were invited to a party hosted by some of the girls that live on our floor to get to know everyone better. we ended up playing two truths, one lie to break the ice and get more comfortable with each other. me and my roommates all have a bit of a flair for the dramatic, and stories to back it up, so when it got to their turns (all of them went before me), they went all out. for example, one of them brought up how her moms met david bowie or something because they happened to be bowling in the same alley and ended up talking and getting drinks together. i forget who it actually was, but still. very out there, absurd stories that sound unbelievable/fake, but very much happened.

this is where i may be the asshole. when it got to my turn, i ended up name-dropping some of my connections. i said something along the lines of “i have fairly close connections to x, y, and z.” writing it like that doesn’t have the same impact, but you get my point. everyone in the room knew who they were is the important part. the room guessed what the lie was wrong, and promptly began to ask how i knew the people i’d named. i explained i had a few internet friends that had/have worked closely with them, and that i either knew certain things the general public doesn’t, or that i’ve had the privilege of contributing to projects/suggesting ideas because of it. it’s important to mention that i didn’t lead with having insider knowledge/positions, because i know i’d be the asshole if i had. they asked, i answered as much as i could, which wasn’t much more than i stayed here. i didn’t say any specific projects or ideas for what i think are fairly obvious reasons. they hadn’t reacted very much to any of my roommates’ insane bullshit, so i hadn’t expected such a response and thought my truth was fairly tame in comparison, honestly. (another example: one of them has nearly drowned 7 times, with 5 of those times all happening on a tuesday. they’ve told me all 7 of those stories and i think they’re super interesting, a lot more than me just having connections to people i don’t even personally know.)

anyways. the conversation moved on, the same continued, all seems good. that was a week ago, for reference. i find out a few of the people there are in my classes, which is great! i get to talking to most of them, and they’re all as friendly as they were when we met, except for one, who i’ll call holly (not her real name). holly acts cordial when she has to (group discussion, that sort of stuff) but whenever i try to talk or interact with her outside of that, she outright ignores me. she fully walked past me once despite us not only making eye contact, but me waving and calling her name. i didn’t get why she was acting like that all of a sudden, because she didn’t have any problems with me during the party. i didn’t think i’d done anything to wrong her, but just in case, i reached out to one of her roommates to ask if holly had told them anything about it, or if they remembered me doing something to make her react that way that i just forgot or didn’t realize i’d done.

one of them got back to me today that holly had apparently gone on a tirade about how disgusting i was, how i was clearly just “using” my friends because of their connections, that i only used them for clout and popularity, etc. which, as i said, is FULLY not true. what bothers me most is that she reached that conclusion with absolutely no evidence other than one conversation, one that me and all my roommates were clearly using to highlight the more silly/out-there aspects of our lives. most of the time i spent explaining things consisted of me gushing over how cool and hard-working my friends are for having those opportunities and how much i look up to them. i don’t know if she wasn’t paying attention or thought i was lying or what, but now i’m worried i may have actually come off that way. like that maybe i actually WAS just using them in that instance, whether i intended to or not, and that i came off as super assholeish and manipulative. so, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

I run into people--online, IRL--all the time who seem to think I'm this exotic brave creature for traveling alone and going places alone.

And, to be fair, there are places/events I do not enjoy alone!! Movies at the theater by myself aren't as fun. I've gone to a couple of concerts/shows alone and while in many cases it's better than not going, it's not as fun as going with friends. (Except for classical music concerts. I don't know why.)

And, also, I am an extrovert; and for me part of the fun of traveling alone is meeting and chatting with new people, even if just small talk.

(Lol that has come up more than once on forums/groups/etc for people who do solo travel--the actual introverts who don't want to talk to people and that's why they travel alone, getting grumpy that most of us are social and like meeting people!)

And obviously: it's fun to go places with friends or my partner. Showing my fave places and events to Daci will never get old and I still have a long list to get through! Like Astoria and Seattle!

But! I love going places by myself.

And I keep realizing: I've always done this?

I was the oldest kid and only girl among my siblings. I also often had few friends. So I went places alone or I was stuck in the house. So sometimes I just wandered around, to the extent I was allowed to do so, lost in my own thoughts, playing pretend in my head.

In Iceland as a kid (living on the American military base) I would walk around just because. I would go to the USO and drink Lipton tea and read a book because...why not? In Virginia Beach I'd walk to the store and flip through all the magazines and buy a Snapple (it was the early 90's lol) and walk home. I'd bicycle around aimlessly (not that I was allowed outside our subdivision). I would've gone to the beach or the mall alone if I'd been allowed!

My parents were considered overprotective, and I still got to do all those things. Wild to think about, now.

Moving to the Portland area, that first summer after high school I'd take the bus to Barnes and Noble and buy a frappe at Starbucks (they were NEW at the time lolll) and browse the books for hours alone, bouncing off the walls with caffeine and sugar. That fall I got my license and realized I could drive downtown (or drive to a light rail stop and take that) and nobody could stop me. I would poke through vintage clothing stores and Powell's books and nobody would hurry me along or complain that they wanted to go somewhere else. It was bliss!

And I think it was like, ten years ago or so, when I found out a fairly common source of like, anxiety? fear? -was eating at a restaurant alone. And I still cannot wrap my mind around the idea. Like....why. What are you afraid will happen? Nobody is paying attention to you. Nobody cares. Like. What?! Just bring a book.

But I've had so many people tell me I'm brave for going places alone and I just don't feel brave at all? To me being brave means being a little scared and doing it anyway, and while I'm always nervous when traveling about SOME things (taking public transit in a new place, especially when you don't speak the language; is intimidating at first), the general concept of going to a place alone is just exciting to me.

I don't have to worry about anyone's needs but my own. I can eat whenever/wherever I want, do whatever I want, go wherever I want. It's so, so freeing.

I don't think it's at all surprising that of all the factions in this fandom, it's the hellers who have such a repeated problem with intensely cult-y subgroups.

In my experience, all of the groups have their own weird, ugly corners. I think the pull of desperation to belong and fit in (especially for people who already feel lonely or vulnerable) is easy to underestimate. So yeah, there's a certain amount of petty bullshit us vs. them infighting to be expected in a space filled with different groups who ostensibly like the same thing - but only really value entirely different aspects of it. However. For most people, there will be obvious lines that are too far. Especially when we're talking about an online group where you can never be forcibly isolated from others the same way you could be by a cult IRL. Full on blatant outright lies, bigoted attacks, doxing, telling people to die, etc.

So why do those lines get crossed anyway, especially by organized groups of bullies in fandoms? I think there are plenty of other factors having to do with our impulses as humans when it comes to group behavior - because hellers aren't exactly unique for this shit? But I suspect in hellers' case particularly, their fandom enjoyment being based entirely in a delusional shared reality about the show plays a not inconsiderable part.

Like, you can't be a heller to start with unless you're willing to take the opinions and theories of internet randos as more valid about the show than TPTB (and the show itself). So the entire group as a whole has been self-selected for people who are looking for others to tell them what they want to hear over reality and common sense. They need leaders to follow and they need to believe those people have super special insight and authority which will ultimately prove them all right about the ship. If those leaders can be wrong about one thing (how to interact appropriately online), what else might they be wrong about (like the ship being totes canon/the most important lurve story evar)? And that? That is untenable to their whole identity in fandom as hellers crusaders for Very Important Representation! So of course they ignore not only how shitty the kinds of people who will happily jump into those roles of pseudo-authority are towards outsiders (who deserve it for ignoring The Truth™ about D/C), but even how shitty they will be to group members who don't toe the line or they take a random dislike to (who must also surely deserve it).

At least until suddenly it's them who are being shit on. For some, that can be a genuine wakeup call to how absurd and ugly the whole thing is. But it isn't a surprise when others just continue being self-deluding assholes because they're only upset the group turned on them this time. This particular leader was just the wrong guru! They're still ready and willing to believe and do whatever they need to for The Cause™.

do u have any suggestions on how to . meet people? ive never been approached by anyone/never even gone on a date but im 22 and so lonely and scared of dating apps:(( any suggestions on how i can Put Myself Out There

<3 sending love & a sympathetic ear because i was in a similar situation myself in my early 20s and it felt so lonely even though from talking to others i know it’s actually not so unusual. sometimes i feel like the prevalence of dating apps has made dating this activity that’s entirely separate from the rest of your life / your social circle and it’s actually reduced the amount of casual dating we do in early adulthood. hmm anyway some suggestions:

for making friends in general: in my experience the easiest way to make friends is to pick an interest or activity + regularly show up where people do it. work or university are two obvious examples but there’s also rec sports leagues, online meetup groups for hobbies, trivia or open mic nights at local bars, bouldering/climbing gym or another specialized sports studio, martial arts studio, group art class, knitting circles, book clubs, volunteering … all good ways to expand your social circle + also valuable in themselves! it can feel intimidating to do things solo but people are pretty receptive to chatting especially if they’re also by themselves or maybe just 2 or 3 people. additionally bumble has a BFF mode that’s specifically for platonic connections & i have a very wonderful friend who i met from there so it might be worth a try.

and all of these ^^ situations (except bumble BFF) are good ways to meet people to date too! the only thing is for some reason in my experience, you rarely meet people to date when that’s your only goal from the interaction. like, i’ve been in social situations (outside of like bars/clubs where it’s the norm) where you can just tell that someone is only looking at new people as potential romantic interests or hookups and it just puts more pressure on every interaction. so like get out and do things and meet people, allow yourself to be open to them, if they’re cute + available feel free to flirt but don’t discount the interaction if it doesn’t turn romantic yknow?

oh also tell your friends you want to start dating! you might not want to date your close friends but they probably know someone who knows someone who you’d like to date. i’ve even been on a blind date that a friend set up for me and while it didn’t go anywhere it was still nice + less nerve-wracking than app dates because we at least had a common interest and a single shared connection. tbh in my experience NO ONE will support your dating adventures as much as your friends who have been happily partnered and in love for years, because they want everyone else to be in love, and they need the gossip.

finally ik you said you’re scared of dating apps but they’re not all bad! i think dating apps can be a good option for adults not in a university setting esp if you just want to meet a lot of people with low stakes. i think a lot of people (myself included) considering meeting someone on an app as less “real” than a cute meeting irl but the reality is a lot of single people you meet irl will also be on apps. i had a thing w this guy from an app and we ran into each a year later at a party and realized we had mutual friends and it was this nice realization like oh we would’ve met anyway. and i know a lot of people who are in relationships that started on apps! do what you’re comfy with of course but they’re always an option.

and of course goes without saying that there is so much love and romance to be had in life without a partner, that you can find so much joy and care and growth through friends family passions etc, that timelines are not real and that all experiences will come in time but you’ve probably heard that a lot, i know i did and do. but saying it again in case u need to hear it 🤍

hope some of these ideas resonate w u - ik it’s been a couple months since you asked so maybe it’ll just help someone else in a similar situation. good luck! <3

finally i know you said scared of dating apps but they’re actually not all bad and i think for adults who aren’t in university it’s a great way to just kind of dip your foot in the dating pool. plus i think a lot of us (me included) tend to romanticize irl meetings when the reality is a lot of people you’d meet in a cute way irl will also be on dating apps, i had a thing w someone from an app and a year later we ran into each other at a party and realized we had mutual friends and it was a nice reminder like ok well we would’ve met anyway, just on a later timeline. i know lots of people who are in relationships that started on them too. dating apps are also real life!!!

maybe some these ideas will resonate with you, ik it’s been a couple months since you sent it so maybe it’ll just help someone else in a similar situation. good luck out there 💗

at the risk of sounding gatekeepy/transmed-y (which i assure i’m not, and it’s not my intention to be), as a queer older-teen who has been out in some capacity since i was about 10 years old, it can be… really really frustrating that almost all of the queer people that i’ve met at my school (and lots that i’ve met online, too) are people who 1 realized they were queer during the pandemic full stop, but also 2 realized they were queer during the pandemic and have only ever been out in a relatively sheltered, accepting environment (and i find the latter is extremely common).

and while i’m very glad and all that being queer is safer for lots of young people nowadays, it can feel very alienating when it’s so obvious that these other baby queers, though we are the same age, have so much less experience engaging with queerness itself in a thoughtful way & engaging with other queer people in a thoughtful way. they’re very flippant with their use of slurs despite having never been called them, they ask others about their sexuality/gender without thinking how that might be extremely anxiety inducing and invasive and uncomfortable for closeted people—even in a “safe space.” like, i still feel sick and anxious when i hear queer topics being talked about casually irl! sure, i’m recovering, slowly, but the violence i faced for being queer is still traumatizing- it doesn’t matter how safe the space is! and they just can’t comprehend that.

idk. while i’m happy that some people live in more accepting places than i did, it’s just so fucking frustrating that i can’t connect with anyone i know irl (with the exception of like… one person lol) over the collective trauma of growing up openly or closet-ly queer in a shitty middle school, because it isn’t something that’s commonly shared anymore, i guess. it’s getting harder and harder for me to find queer people in my age group who have actually been the target of queerphobic violence, whether that’s physical or emotional. and i can’t help but resent them for it.

anyway. this turned into a rant oops but i initially was sending this ask in response to the conversation about gen Z queers who are really into slurcourse and identity discourse and such, and like. i fully believe a big reason behind that is because since they don’t have real life experiences of oppression to look back on, it’s harder for them to see the bigger picture of queerphobia and how fucking dumb identity discourse is, because they’ve never directly experienced oppression that Actually Matters. like i think once you’ve been assaulted for being queer, you realize that discourse does not fucking matter. it’s a maturity and experience gap i think, regardless of age. so that’s my 2 cents as a gen Zer queer who grew up in the shitty midwest lol

yeah a lot of the people who are really into specifically online discourse like slur discourse and identity discourse usually haven't had much to deal with in their real lives. which like. i'm glad bc maybe that means shit's getting better even though it's scary now. but it's also frustrating as someone who has experienced a lot of irl discrimination.

i saw a post talking about how wild the human brain is, and in the comments, someone mentioned aphantasia, which made me feel things and i just have to talk about it so here ya go all seven of my followers and people interested in whatever tags i end up using:

if you don't know what aphantasia is, no shame at all. although it's becoming more widely known and researched, it's still a fairly obscure neurological condition. heck, i only know about it because i read an article on it once about six years ago and realized, hey, i have that!

essentially, aphantasia is the lack of a mind's eye, an inability to voluntarily produce mental images. sometimes it's acquired after a brain injury, but it's predominantly just something folks are born with. estimates about the number of people it affects vary pretty significantly—i've seen everything from 1% or less to as much as 5% of the global population! that's wild! statistically, that means you might probably know someone with aphantasia . . . or maybe you have it yourself but, like me, didn't even know it was a thing until someone told you it was and now you've got a little mini existential crisis on your hands where you realize that the brains of at least 95% of the people you know work in a fundamentally different way from your brain and you're missing out on an experience they all have in common and aaaaah

i don't know anyone else irl who has aphantasia, so when i find someone online who does it's like that moment when a dog sees another dog and recognizes that they're a dog and just goes absolutely crazy. i am consumed by the desire to overshare infodump about all the ways aphantasia has affected my life and then compare notes like, do you also have such a bad autobiographical memory that more than half of your childhood memories are actually reconstructions based on stories other people have told you about your own life? do you also sometimes get unreasonably anxious about being a victim of a crime someday and getting a good look at the perpetrator but not being able to describe them to police later because you can't picture what they look like and even a sketch artist wouldn't help and would probably only make things worse as whatever they draw would slowly replace what little memory you do have? are you one of those aphantasiacs who never got into reading because you couldn't picture things? or are you like me and loved reading anyway, but a) got really bored and pulled out of it when authors spent time describing what something or someone looked like because it didn't do anything for you and b) got really confused when your friends would talk about how they didn't like the movie adaptation of something because it "wasn't how they pictured it when reading" and you didn't know what the hell they meant by that? and then you went on to become a creative writer obsessively concerned with imagery and if you have enough of it to satisfy those people who actually like when things are visually described? do you want to get into drawing but give up in frustration every time you try because of the lack of direction you experience from not having an image in your mind's eye to that you're trying to draw in the first place? do you need visual aids to really understand certain scientific and mathematical concepts? were you frustratingly bad at making and interpreting graphs for school projects and presentations? and now you hope you picked a career path where you won't ever have to do that ever again?

are you also terrible at estimating distance and length and height because words like "foot" or "meter" mean nothing to you, much less bigger measurements like miles and kilometers? do you also need google maps to get anywhere despite living in the same city your whole life because lacking a mind's eye also means you lack the ability to make mental maps? were your inability to navigate and difficulty with measurements something people made fun of you for the same way they made fun of me for it? and now that you know you have aphantasia you can snap back at them and be all, actually the reason i can't navigate or understand measurements is because of a neurological condition so you're basically making fun of me for being disabled, how about that? do you also sometimes get sad and think about how you don't really remember anymore what your loved ones who've passed away look like? or even what your loved ones who aren't currently in the same room as you look like? how you rarely notice if someone got a haircut or new piercing or tattoo or otherwise changed their appearance because you can't visually compare it to how they looked the last time you saw them?

when you try to picture a loved one's face, what happens? me, i run through a list of traits in my head, oftentimes more focused on personal attributes than physical ones because that's what i'm actually capable of remembering consistently. i don't just know what someone's hair or eye color is—i have to memorize it, like a fact for school. mom and dad have blue eyes. my husband has hazel-ish green eyes. my best friend is blonde, but her hair is darker now than it was when we were kids, and she got glasses while we were going to college in different cities, i should know that by now and stop being surprised when i see her wearing glasses. her mom, my second mother, has straight brown hair and a long face, but i can't remember what color her eyes are even though i've known her for twenty years. i think they're blue, but i can't picture it. i don't know for sure, and if i think about it too long it kills me. when i have kids, will i remember their eye colors? or will i have to ask my husband if he knows?

i take a lot of pictures. all the time, of everything—of people, of scenery, of my food, or myself, of pets and cools animals i see strolling around the city. boomers criticize me for not living in the moment, and it makes me feel awful, like i have to choose between experiencing something and remembering it. cause yeah, without the pictures, i would forget. i keep movie stubs and playbills and fair tickets and museum handouts and even fucking hospital bracelets, and i cherish them the same way other people cherish religious items.

it's lonely sometimes, having aphantasia.

the people close to me know about it, so they know how to accommodate me in relation to it, and they're supportive and interested in learning more. but they don't live with it themselves, so even though they know what it is, they don't know what it is, ya know? their knowledge is all second hand. as wonderful as my people are, when i'm really feeling my aphantasia and getting into those sad thought spirals, talking with them about it just isn't the same as it would be to talk with someone else who has aphantasia and has dealt with the same issues and feelings about it

i guess in the end i just want what we all do: community. when i find someone else with aphantasia, i don't wanna be like a dog seeing another dog because i'm so starved for contact with other folks like me; i wanna be like someone recognizing another member of a long distance club i regularly participate in, like hey! same hat! and then go about the rest of my day because i'm satisfied with the community i have. ya know?

anyways yes this is a free invite to message me if you have aphantasia or think you might have it and you wanna compare notes and chat about shared experiences, or alternately if you know someone who has aphantasia or are just curious about it and want to learn more about it :D

something hysterical abt how im seeing this new trend of blaming online radfems who bitch abt men for the misogyny of boys lmaooooo. common now, youre fucking kidding me. boys arent getting worse because they stumbled across the blog of a woman talking shit abt her opressors. theyre getting worse because theyre watching porn by 8 frequently sharing it among each other and this is leading to younger and younger boys raping girls; like, we have 10 year old boys raping their younger sisters after watching porn. this boy children raping after porn thing is a international phenomenon. they're misogynistic because theyve seen it in adults their whole lives and its been encouraged in them too. theyre sexist because children are smart and like spunges, they absord whatever is around them. they are sexist because theyve been watching sexist af youtubers and personalities and shows and movies and family members. theyre sexist because society has already drilled a sense of superioirty and entitlement into them, and when they come across feminism it doesnt vibe with that. the idea that boys are some sort of uwu innocent beings and the Evil Tumblr Radfems are turning them into sexists is so funny. bro when i was literally in Preschool boys were being sexually perverse, theyd grab at our underwear and clothes and try to break into our bathrooms 24/7, we couldn't even piss without two other girls holding the bathroom door while the rest of us went. they'd try to kiss us without consent. and Adults just thought this shit was funny or unimportant or whatever and let boys be boys and never taugbt them boundaries. by early elementary theyd share porn among themselves and say the grossest fucking things to us and the sexual harassment just got worse; one of the guys in our class was kicked out (after years of harassment) when we were like 10 bc it got so bad.

this was in the early 2000s. no evil radfem internet megamind was making boys wack, they just were because theyre being raised as members of the opressive class. and again, this was 2000s, its only gotten worse. and yup women are allowed to say they hate men online because members of the opressed class are indeed allowed to express emotion, misandry isnt a real damn issue more than racism against white people is and its absolutely pathetic that so many on here thing MiSaNdRy is a real issue because liberal "feminism" is all abt mens uwu hurt feelings and coddeling ur opressors. and you know. why is it that with This we must act like we cant post shit online because hypothetically children will see - but with everything else its fine. like yea i wouldnt talk to a 10 year old boy abt feminism like i would on here but guess what. also wouldnt talk to children about sexual slavery like i do on here. im not gonna stop posting abt either because of that - adults have a responsability when it comes to childrens fandoms and whatever; dont mean we have to censor every damn thing

Oh and also. lets be clear this concept that boys are turning wack because of a few angry online women (who libfems hate anyway because ohh noo how dare you ever be mad or angry at men) is just hysterical because. girls live with the psychological impacts of men and larger society irl hating them and seeing them as less human and molesting them and murdering them and committing a genocide agains them 24/7. and yet. somehow girls dont become insane sexists who want to rape and enslave boys and men nor do they actually do so

I just wanted to say that we all care about you. I know most of the time life sucks, but please keep being strong. I'm sure even if it doesn't look like it right now things will get better ❤🌸❤

I believe in that, but it's not comforting to hear at the moment to be honest..

I'm embarrassed to have not deleted the post because I usually just type out my frustration and save them as a draft.. but I honestly feel I'm always pushed to the end of my wits nothing makes sense..

One step forward and three back.. I cried all day while starving, you can't do that if u don't want horrible headaches

It feels like I'm living— constantly and simultaneously 2 realities, where one I'm physically at consumes my living drive and the other trying to be here, and in my mind effortlessly keeping me in bliss just to hold on to the last bits of me, it now doing art.. I know if I stopped, there's no more Mani..

I remember being a teenager+ scattering the net for any remote jobs and applying behind guardians back but never getting anything because there was no such thing as online jobs in the Eastern world and everything was USA based or a scam, I fell into 2 scams even.

Now, I only have the energy strictly to draw, anything else will kill me, there's no other way around it and I'm tired of sugar coating it

also coming to know I am different and my perception of the world is different, more and more certain of it now. And it is why no matter the culture I was thrusted into, I could not adapt, gulf culture, Shami culture, western or the general English speaking online culture, I could only feel that I'm intruding. And it's okay only when your lifelyhood or income is not through them or forced through them.. so I suppose its not okay, and because I'm trying to be social and failing, maybe that's why I'm failing too as an artist, but can't deny such things as social media quirks, luck and algorithms..

Living an isolated life is to blame as well, thanks to a balanced mixed of poverty and abuse, the last crowd encounter was durring my schooling days, slowly seeing people's faces becoming an impossible hurdle than it used to be, as I never made eye contact but was able to tolerate existing in a foreign space, now the mere thought of leaving the house reduce me into a panic driven mess.. just looking at people through a screen is already constantly hard.. I'll be thirty soon and I still have not experienced irl in a general– getting used to it– sense... I only know what common sense, documentaries and the so called reality shows have taught me.

It's so hard to consider the value of someone like me still procuring space on earth, a burden while I never wanted to be and tried anything not to be worst and feeling guilty all the time, killing me more having my siblings in the same boat...

While in the surrounding I inhibit, there's no much choices of help (unless if u willing to be humiliated for nothing) or independence anyway. Either u be wed like a stock or have deep connections or an actual good sensible family to back u..

I can not hold on much longer without hope or a breather..

Thank u so much my dears tho, thank u for making me feel heard and seen..

My greatest wish to just draw and share art and make my corner a safe haven, I fail at doing so too..

Hey so I’m not sure if there’s a central point to this ask but what do you do when you feel more or less “outnumbered”? I stupidly searched some tags that I knew would upset me and it seems like so many people have an inherent bias against “white cis lesbians” and it seems like they throw the word white in front of it just to get away with being misogynistic and homophobic because their arguments are never about race. They’re about if someone is in the wrong for having sexual boundaries. Also, I’m not even white and those posts make me feel like a bigot for being a lesbian. Which is how I know that adding “white” is so superficial. I keep reading that my aversion to male genitalia (even the male genitalia that has been surgically restructured) makes me transphobic and that i need to unlearn that aversion but it just doesn’t make sense to me?? I look to the comments and see one or two others like myself who are genuinely confused and the most common response is “I’m not google” or “examine the root of your preferences”. But my examining is so brief because I was literally BORN THIS WAY. I think about it and it’s so clear to me that my body and brain love female bodies and are repulsed by male bodies. It all feels like mass brain washing and conversion therapy.

To make matters worse, there’s no safe way to even vent this frustration without being called a “terf”. I feel like being born a same sex attracted woman has doomed me to inevitably being labeled a terf when idek much about terfs other than being called one is a really bad thing. People are supposed to pick ideology/schools of thought. From what I’ve seen, lesbians who are vocal about their sexuality are forced into that box by other people. If that makes sense? Its almost comically absurd. I’d laugh if it weren’t so horrific and homophobic. I feel like I can’t loudly and proudly be a lesbian and it SUCKS because I spent all of high school in the closet and I just feel robbed and I feel betrayed by supposed members of my… “community” who, quite frankly, hate actual homosexuals whether they want to admit it or not. I guess I wanted to know if you think there’s hope for lesbians? Or if the game is rigged for us to be hated by both the left and right? Do you think there are many other lesbians like me who are silently fed up with being the scapegoat of so many people’s anger and insecurity? Is there anything you do to feel better about being unable want male bodies when it feels like literally every other “queer” woman online does/is willing to? I get republicans thinking I’m a freak for loving women. It truly baffles me when democrats, liberals, and fellow gay/bi people also think I’m a bad person for how I was born. It’s so horribly lonely.

Firstly, I once again apologize for being so long to answer. All your concerns are valid and I want you to know that there are absolutely many other lesbians like you who are silently fed up with this hatred against us. Make no mistake it is indeed lesbophobia, this time it's more effective because it hides in plain sight, it goes from mouth to mouth so often unchallenged because people are so afraid to be seen as ostracising and exclusionary.

No matter what these new homophobes say though, we are still unable to change who we are, and why would we want that anyway ? The atmosphere is so toxic, so intoxicating, that lesbians just existing in western supposedly progressive countries are called "terfs" and "transphobes". The ones who are not called that are lucky for now because they're either careful and lying about their real opinion on the matter (which isn't even an opinion but a fact, we are not attracted to the opposite sex) - which worsen it all for the rest of us (no "thank you" to any of you reading this, you're simply hypocritical if you are out there calling us transphobes when you damn well know you wouldn't actually like sex involving pe**s either, duh) or not involved on social media or lgbt spaces irl so they don't know what's going on (which ... I'm kind of jealous of that). The best thing you can do to put distance between this new type of lesbophobia and you is to find the actual self-loving lesbians who are not afraid to be called names if this means being true to our sexual orientation. It's okay to be solely attracted to the same-sex, it's okay to be a lesbian, lesbophobes can die mad about it. ✨

I appreciate your Input on the whole lesbian vs OSA woman,really, Im not only crypto because of the TRAs but also because fights on the internet happen so fast and I just cant deal... Especially when its friendly fire. Anyways, not too long ago an older feminist (like, active feminist she did so mich) told me that there where always these discussions between OSA and lesbian woman in feminist spaces (and we talking 70s). And I kind of do understand it, but I also think its really sad, unproductive, and if you feel like people are talking bullshit on the web, maybe Block them? Anyways, love your attitude on this xoxo

Thanks. I didn't have a radfem dedicated blog like this for most of the time I was on here because I can't deal either lol it just becomes inconsequential to me when I try to imagine/remember that there's another person sitting on the other side of the screen and IRL would I feel like owing the random stranger all the effort? Probably not. Haven't seen official numbers on it but judging from being parked here so long and just observing the average user of this site is a white American liberal in their early 20s if that who reads fanfiction more often than actual books, so...lol no

Reading from second wavers let alone speaking to them lets me know homophobia among feminists has been a long conversation with seemingly no end. But I really wish more of us were meeting offline, to help with the realization that we're not so different. I feel it's an advantage the women's liberation movement had in the past that we sorely do not right now and it's actively hindering us from making moves. TRAs have made it so hard to organize online even that I know it's hard to do but I really encourage all of you to meet as many radical feminists and even just straight up feminists (even liberal feminists) in real life as you can and try to find common ground with them

So many women in the world don't care about feminism, not even always out of malice but because it can be so inaccessible in certain parts of the world, that I'm a huge proponent of "agree to disagree" with other feminists especially online. Like 98% of my disagreement with posts I see on here from anyone ever I keep to my motherfucking self lol. Thinking about things I've been wrong or bigoted about in the past, it almost always took someone I know/something significant happening in my actual life to change my mind on those things, not some internet stranger. So idk why so many people try so hard at Tumblr arguments

Hi! I know you’re not a stand-in for all gc people and don’t expect you to speak on behalf of all of us but I’ve been wondering for months now what the stance is on tifs— in my experience, I’ve tried to engage with other terfs on this allied basis against all males, but I’ve personally never really taken issue with women/females who want to transition or change pronouns, which is typically where I find a division. Obviously I think they/thems are annoying and egregious most of the time, but I’ve found it really perturbing how much vitriol I’ve seen towards tifs from some terfs, I’ve seen some calling them stupid or deranged or brainwashed, things of that nature. Have you seen this pattern? How do you feel about it? My best personal/irl (and most effective) activism has always been talking to tifs actually, and getting them to see how the trans women in their lives treat them, how they perpetuate violence (particularly as tifs are often subjected to more tw attention and fetishism, and often effectively groomed into submission under the guise of “T4T”). But I love women and I feel like tifs in whatever form shouldn’t be hated or criticized this much (yes I recognize I’m calling them women even if they would not, irl I do my best to respect how they want to be referred to as and treated). Anyway, food for thought. Hope you’re having a good Sunday!

So my view is heavily shaped by the TIFs I have been good friends with for a long while and many encounters I’ve had online. As you said, I’m not a stand-in for all GC and my views are on the more sympathetic end as things go. I’m mostly in the same boat as you and have found that TIFs can generally be split into three categories.

Internalised misogyny/Internalised homophobia/Trauma: These three categories overlap heavily so it’s impossible to split them apart. Internalised misogyny/homophobia and/or trauma has led these women to identify as NB or trans in order to become ‘trans and straight’ or to escape the restrictions that they feel as women. The sad thing is that this probably makes up most TIFs and they will never analyse where some of these feelings are coming from because the hate for their bodies and womanhood is validated by the trans community as proof of them being trans. These women are struggling and often dress more androgynously because they think that gets them further away from ‘being a woman’. I have so much sympathy for these women, even if many of them still tow the trans party line and are assholes sometimes. They’re still struggling nonetheless.

Trendy Q*eer Girl(TM): Can cross other with either of the other categories, but also distinct enough to give it its own category. The trans q*eer girl is basically just the ‘I’m not like other girls’ but instead of doing it to impress the boys, does it to impress other q*eer people because they see being q*eer as a cool trend that they want in on. Often straight and if not straight then identifies as bisexual or pansexual but has (almost) exclusively been with men. Uses things like ‘loves iced coffee and energy drinks’ as proof of their q*eer status because obviously you can only like things like that if you’re q*eer, right? Annoying as fuck but sometimes does have trauma and internalised misogyny behind it so I have some sympathy, but not a lot for the people who treat our identities as little more than a trend.

Fetishiser: Rarer but certainly becoming more common and incredibly toxic. The fetishisers are typically trans men who date (or want to date) gay men and love yaoi (or whatever it’s called) and from that have developed an obsession over gay men to the point of convincing themselves that they themselves are actually gay men. It is creepy and weird and this group, even though they can struggle and have issues which led to this, deserve to be called out to no end. These are the people who are helping to normalise ‘genital preference’ and not being allowed to reject someone just because they’re trans, but focus more of their energy on gay men than lesbians. They are deeply homophobic.

As I said, I have an incredible amount of sympathy for many TIFs who are obviously struggling and it’s sad to see other radfems attack them so harshly and so often. They should definitely be called out on their toxic, homophobic, and misogynistic views, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t recognise that so many of these women are just struggling and doing their best to cope with their issues. Baselessly attacking them because people want to group together all trans people as being the problem when that’s not the issue does absolutely nothing for our cause and, if anything, continues to drive women away from radical feminism.

Why does so much of our sympathy go out of the window when people disagree with us? When did we stop fighting for the rights and protections of all women and decide that actually only the women in the fight with us need help and protection?

"You seem so much more depressed now."

I understand the sentiment, but Jesus christ some people need to stop telling me this.

I'm arguably far happier than I was a year ago, even with all the shit that happened. I've gotten on meds, learned a bunch of stuff, had fun, found my genuine friends, and found out the reason behind so much of my behavior (autism).

People just think I'm getting worse because I'm more open about it when I'm struggling. Because unlike last year, I actually have a will to live and genuinely want to do better. That's why I vent online more often, or why it's more common to see me stimming (if you know me irl). I know that that stuff helps me chill out and distracts me from doing anything dangerous.

Again, I get that on the outside, I might seem like I'm doing worse. But in reality, I'm just working on not hiding my struggles and being more open about it for my own good.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk, I'm gonna go buy a monster so I can pull an all nighter in celebration of school ending (I'll probably conk out by 1am anyway, I get tired the second it's dark outside)

a couple weeks after my last text post, some shift happened in me. Made me unable to function socially irl and keep up with responsibilities - essentially, I isolated myself to deal with it and this is nothing new for me.

but this time it was different. Something provoked me and in my attempts to isolate, part of my brain refused to cooperate fully. I was talking with online friends, I was getting to know new friends even. I just felt so... intense, mentally. desperate.

some parts of me refused to keep following the same isolating pattern and tried really hard to be seen and heard because at the time, they weren't tangible enough to influence the instinctual part of me that isolates to cope.

my mental state has been very erratic, especially in the start of September. But it was already happening in the summer, the only difference was that I was capable of keeping up with responsibilities then.

Well that's not quite true because now I've also just been dealing with feelings of anger which feels very... new and unknown. I can't recall feeling like that ever before, so I didn't and don't know how to handle it properly.

I think I know why, but I don't assume I have the whole picture since I hardly remember most of my life.

Anyway, the last two ish months have made it very apparent I'm extremely removed from my emotions and fragmented. Despite having moments where I feel distinct parts of myself provoking me and going back and forth between each other because they all want different approaches to how to deal with things, and even knowing names of these parts - it doesn't feel real. They don't feel real, I don't feel real.

I'm very aware this is a common symptom, but it doesn't stop me from feeling so dissociated and detached by just being aware of it.

The intense, fluctuating emotions I had along last week don't seem like they happened at all. I've felt so out of touch with myself and surrounding for some days now, so it's really hard to feel like those feelings of anger or hurt or repulsion happened when I literally can't recall feeling them happen. I recall it happened, yes, but not how it felt - so its difficult to have a sense for how much it affected me and affects the parts of me that feel like that.

Sometimes I feel like I get it, I have distinct parts and they've felt real and communicated and I feel like it makes so much sense why I'm like this - and then collectively, we get so detached and feel unreal. That none of the experiences I had interacting with these parts really happened or mattered, that I'm making this up.

I've done this song and dance my whole life, but I'm first now learning the steps and the beat shifts endlessly. But there is a pattern, even if its not straightforward to understand.

A lot has been happening and yet I end up feeling like I'm at a standstill. I don't think I can get much further forward by myself when my brain tries really hard to stop the parts of me that wants to move forward and go away from surviving to living.

But if I move forward, the part of me that's been protecting me, isolating me, keeping me safe to deal with what I never got growing up - it's terrified of being left behind, just like I was.

I can't do the same to it that people did to me, that would be cruel because I appreciate that part of me so much. It's given me so much, it's done so much just for me and that's way more than anyone else has done for me growing up and I don't take that for granted. Even if it's also been painful and frustrating to do it this way for so long.

I know I wouldn't be leaving it behind by moving forward, and I'm sure it's aware of it too, but change is hard. healing is hard.

feeling any sort of uselessness is a real struggle for parts of me, so I try to be patient, but it's an exhausting and frustrating process. but I'm trying regardless.

Random small facts about my OCS that will probably never be brought up again (unless someone asks about them) -

—

Sterling has tics, they're not from tourettes but Ster does have them. They're not sure what they're from but it doesn't happen often enough to really get in the way of something. They're mostly just physical and are small, small enough for Sterling to be able to play them off as stretching, just shivering, or trying to crack their neck. The vocal (which there isn't many of) ones are harder to cover up.

Main ways to "summon" the tics is to talk about tics, Ster thinking about them, or seeing someone else tic. Sterling is just so used to hiding them so by habit they do.

Atlas on the other hand stims a lot, far more often than Sterling anyways. He doesn't bother to hide them (only time he really does is in a boxing match) and does them normally. Most are with his hands/arms

(In the punch out universe, i did not make this irl) Absolutely Ster and Atlas made a TikTok and/or YouTube channel just about daily things for them or just them trying challenges/games for fun. If it's an online game Finn has "guest starred" on more than one occasion

Atlas both wants a tattoo but is silently terrified of needles. And has Thalassophobia (fear of the ocean/deep, open water) and refuses to go out to open water on any kind of small boat

Sterling is actually scared of heights (like high high up heights. If someone picks them up and they're fine even if it's Soda they'll be ok, I mean like "I can probably be VERY injured if I fall" kind of level of height) but they've been acting so "fearless" their whole life for people around them that they just don't let it show much. But… the fear is clear to see if you watch their eyes and breathing specifically.

Finn has Taphophobia (fear of being buried alive), she isn't sure why she has it but she's terrified of the thought.

Atlas falls in love very easily, though will on rare occasions do something about it and at least try to shoot his shot

Finn doesn't as easily but she has had crushes here and there, hit or miss if she does anything about it. Usually keeps quiet about them just in case Aran hears about it (you can't tell me he wouldn't poke some fun at that)

Sterling rarely falls and has FAR less than both Finn and Atlas, but when they do they fall HARD. They're also a silent/"secret" hopeless romantic, though keeps that all to themself

Sterling associates people they know with different songs. Why? They don't know, it's just something they've been doing since they were a kid. Only thing is that they have to know them very well before mentally deciding "their song"

Sterling is a contortionist, and so is their mother (who taught her how to do so). Sometimes Sterling forgets that fact and kinda bends unnaturally to see who called for them.

Most common being someone yelling for Sterling while behind them and they just casually bend completely backwards… usually scares tf out of people by accident (and Ster usually has to reassure them that they're fine and it's normal for them).

All of the trio has so many out of complete context videos of (tbh mainly Sterling) each other doing stupid shit

Absolutely some are videos of Sterling in the boxing ring singing and just someone's scream in the background echoing, making Sterling stop for a few seconds before laughing and stopping the video.

Speaking of which… Atlas and Finn absolutely know the "ghost in the boxing ring" rumor is Sterling, but stays quiet about it because they know Sterling just wants to see how long until someone else realizes it's just Sterling and not an actual ghost.

Sterling actually helps Atlas train by being a appointment. Truth is... is that they sometimes do win the training rounds. Surprise surprise the cameraman DOES know how to box.