I really, really, really wanted a winter vibes doodle, and also I needed to warm up for the next round of fic illustrations. I see this as a win-win scenario.

And then I kept letting the brain talk me into an entire scenario around the doodle. Whoops.

In conclusion, happy holidays, have a human kid!Grogu riding a long-tailed reindeer.

It's been a few months, how is Sarah doing? cw SA, addiction, family health issues, bigotry.

Fair warning: this isn't a sexy post. We'll try to get back to those when we can.

So first things first, I went off denial in November, meaning my 2023 denial period was about eight months of edging, teasing, serving, and zero orgasms. I'm really happy about it, it was fun and made me feel good, and I met tons of wonderful people in the community. I don't know when I'll next start medium-term denial again but I hope I get a chance to.

Anyways, I stopped in November because I had just so much going on personally that it was impossible to devote the energy and wound-up tension that denial creates in me to its practice. Work became more and more stressful. I was "promoted" at work, taking on responsibility for over twice as many people and deliverables, and was given no raise and also a new manager between me and my previous manager, who I had to train in addition to my new responsibilities. In addition, a close family member started radiation treatment for cancer. For the first time in my life, I didn't visit my family for the holidays, because political developments have made it unsafe for me to travel to where they live.

And then Megan assaulted me.

I was sharing a hotel bed with her - as friends - and woke up on the last day in the morning feeling her fingers groping me. I didn't know what to do, I froze and kept my eyes closed and waited for my alarm to go off and got up and went to work and then flew home. The next couple days are kind of a blur. I relapsed into a finsub addiction and sent a bunch of money to someone. I think Rose and I might have had sex that next day but I'm kind of not sure. I ended up talking to Megan about it a few days later.

"No, I didn't do that. I wasn't groping you. That didn't happen."

I told Rose about what happened. I was extremely nervous and also felt so stupid because all the tropes around women like me were playing out. I had imagined it. I had done something to lead her on. I was making a huge deal out of some minor petting. I was going to lose a friend over something that wasn't worth losing them over. I was going to blow up Rose's relationship with Megan and she wouldn't get to fuck my hotter friend anymore and it would be. My. Fault.

Eventually, things have cooled off a little. I talked to Rose and we made each other feel better. I talked to Megan and explained that I don't know or care why she thinks it didn't happen, but I think it did, and it can never happen again. Rose is still going to fuck Megan because she's hotter than me. Megan is still going to come stay at my apartment for several days this weekend. I'll probably be kicked out to the guest room while they fuck in the master bedroom.

I'm still struggling with the addiction relapse, and feeling guilty and sad about the really good friendships I made here during denial that I've been too messed up to maintain, and whether I still have value as a girl not in denial. But I trust that things heal with time. And nothing - *nothing* - is going to take away from the fact that Rose is going to *marry me* this year. Even with everything that's happened I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

I'll post some more soon, I hope.

xoxo Sarah

2023 Media Thread (Re-do to add a Read More Link)

Spark The Electric Jester 3:

Man I was holding off on spoilers for MONTHS until the holidays when I could get this game, and I only beat it in the beginning of the year and well…HOLY SHIT I didn’t know I needed existentialism in my funny little platformer- Gameplay is INSANELY solid, like honestly some of my favorite platforming controls I have ever used! Music is top notch as well!

Nier Automata: The End of YoRHa Edition:

Holy fuck how did I manage to avoid spoilers for this game for YEARS??? That ending was beautiful~ (Yes I did do all the main endings)

Chrono Trigger: I should preface this by saying I did modify this game a tiiiiny bit to have PS4 button prompts and fixing the Classic filter. Other than that, I can see why it’s a lot of people’s favorite RPG! Short enough in case you wanna replay it, and the foundation of the NG+ system definitely helps incentivize replays! Can’t wait to play Chrono Cross!

Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII:

I binged both FFXIII and FFXIII-2 during October and November of last year, but took a short break to avoid burnout. And well, yeah this game was neat! I will admit though that since there’s no way to REWIND time like in Majora’s Mask that I got INSANELY stressed out but that didn’t take away from the sweet release of seeing these characters I love finally get their well-deserved happy ending :)

Mega Man Zero:

I put this one off and on throughout like 2 years because I just wasn’t good at it, but it taught me a VERY good lesson in perseverance! Really excited to play Zero 2!

Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII Reunion: ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK ;w; Story was pretty…alright for the most part, but I couldn’t feel attached to any of the original characters :/ Honestly my eyes were on Zack just…being real with what’s going on. I may not feel bad for when people he cares about dies, but I can EASILY emphasize with him because I know that HE knows them. Knows them more than we ever will know. Also the gameplay and music are fucking stellar.

Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes:

I should preface all of this by saying I don’t remember what order I beat all of these in lmao. Anyways my route was Golden Wildfire and the story for it is such an improvement over its equivalent in Three Houses!!! I love Shez so much as a protagonist even if his outfit is a tiny bit dumb.

Final Fantasy XIV: Endwalker

Man I really wanted to like this. And like, music and area wise I loved it! But the story feels…It just doesn’t feel like the finality for all we’ve done so far. I could not care at all for Meteion because they spend approximately like 20 or 30 minutes making us meet them and then throwing us IMMEDIATELY into the angst like, no. This isn’t even a case of “Well I don’t care but I can understand why others do” NO THE GAME MAKES YOUR WOL FEEL BAD AS WELL, MEANING YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO CARE! NO! I DON’T! I was able to at least pretend a little bit to roleplay as needed but man. At least Footfalls and the post-endwalker dungeon themes kick ass though. (Warrior of Light’s name for me is M’bahlon Tia)

Kirby’s Return to Dream Land Deluxe

SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE I love kirby games sm and this is no exception. REALLY loved how hard the Magolor Epilogue got at certain points though that was great.

Fire Emblem Awakening

I CAN SEE WHY THIS SAVED THE FRANCHISE WHEN IT CAME OUT!! It’s a REALLY good game! I went with the default male Robin settings since that’s what’s in Smash Bros. And man just, everything about this game is AMAZING!!! Sadly cannot see myself replaying it anytime. I could just load my endgame save and grind out support conversations with other characters or do that…new game plus thing I think it was?

Another Eden: The Cat Beyond Time and Space: Bound Wills and the Hollow Puppeteer

I did this event initially back when it came out (and in fact is the main reason why I played the game in the first place) But I got horrible units and died super often, and revived every chance I got. But losing my save data and getting a better unit HEAVILY boosted my chances of getting through the event and man, it was a lot of fun! I love seeing tiny mona :3 JUST LOOK AT HOW SMOL HE IS AAAAAAAAA

Mighty Gunvolt Burst:

I had a lot of fun with this one! I used one of the DLC characters (I think they’re the Zero character from Mighty Number 9 but) it’s a great romp!

EDIT: ALSO SHOULD MENTION IT FUCKING OWO’D ME

Final Fantasy XV

“Walk tall…my friends.” I got this game YEARS ago but haven’t truly delved into it recently. And well… That ending got to me. It really did. The gameplay took me so long to get used to (especially since I had been more used to the more refined gameplay of Final Fantasy 7 Remake 3 years prior) Music is amazing, love the characters! I just wish the other episodes were finished and weren’t just put in a novel :/

Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

HOLY FUCK THIS GAME WAS SO COOL. I always heard like, right, about how good this game was but I figured it was just nostalgia talking for people. NOPE. As someone who’s first paper mario game was super (never beat it, I was a really stupid child) and then played Sticker Star (Again, very stupid child but also that game is bullshit because everything is so obtuse and it sucks) But this? This was a big breath of fresh air. I am so excited to go back and play 64 and Super!!!

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Honestly? Way better than I was expecting. You can FEEL nintendo had a strangle-hold on the movie’s production though from how Chris Pratt in the final movie actually fucking voice acts somewhat (it’s a start), there’s no bad Illumination tropes, Peach is a dragoon, Toad and Bowser easily steal the show, and just, ALL THE REFERENCES WOW. EVEN THE NEWER THINGS. I didn’t see any Paper Mario or Mario & Luigi references though which makes me sad. I hope that if there’s a sequel it’s actually better and doesn’t fall into any traps movie sequels usually do, maybe even say if the other kingdoms from Mario Odyssey are in this universe (and maybe Isle Defino) The movie definitely could have used an extra 20 minutes spread throughout to add more to the main group dynamic.

Mega Man Zero 2

OH MY GOD THIS WAS SO MUCH BETTER BALANCE-WISE HOLY SHIT Cyber-elves requirements to be leveled up were MASSIVELY lowered and the enemy AI isn’t as overly aggressive! Loved the music too, especially Departure and the ending theme which was adapted for the song Clover! Can’t wait to do Zero 3!

WARE WA MESSIAH NARI! HAHAHA!

Mega Man Zero 3 was really good, but either I am getting way too good at these games or they are getting easier haha. Loved the music and gameplay though, and how Cyber Elves were handled here is absolutely the best they have ever been! If there’s any game in this series I am gonna replay, it’s Zero 3 without a doubt! On to Mega Man Zero 4, the last of the GBA era.

Mega Man Zero 4

I finally did it. I beat the entire Mega Man Zero series. While I do not agree with how the parts and cyber elf system were handled, It was not a bad experience by any means! It felt nice following Zero’s character arc throughout these games. I’m maybe gonna take a break before I tackle Mega Man ZX, but hey, I feel like that game’s gonna be fun! It’s the only one I actually OWN on its original hardware after all! :D

Sonic and the Black Knight

This was a fun distraction for a few hours! I had a lot of fun with this! Granted the second King Arthur fight took me an hour but besides that it was a quick and good romp! Probably has one of the best final boss themes in a sonic game I’ve ever heard! :D

The Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past

Pretty fun game all things considered, but I didn’t like how punishing some of the design philosophies were in the end parts of the game. Music’s great though! Maybe I’ll revisit it one day, but not anytime soon. Still, can’t say I disliked my experience.

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.

Where…do I even begin with this?…It was…genuinely amazing. I was waiting for a sequel to Breath of the Wild for years, and during my high school years I was wondering how they would even follow it up! Doing a sequel to an open-world game is harder than a lot of other genres.      But yet….they did it. They somehow did it. Those 6 years of development time more than paid off. It felt…amazing to run around a changed Hyrule from the last game. The mechanics were amazing, and the character development was really cool! The new rune abilities are dope!!!    BUT THE MUSIC MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM THE MUSIC OH THE MUSIC IS SO GOOD THE ENDING MUSIC MADE ME ACTUALLY CRY AHHHHHHHH PLAY THIS GAME PLAY IT NOW

Kirby and the Forgotten Land

And here we are! Finally got around to this! It was a really dope game! Loved the combat and music! I even did most of the bonus content and the Ultimate Cup Z, but I kept dying at the final phase of the final boss of that so I just gave up lol, it’s purely bonus content anyways lol. But honestly I loved this game! Can’t wait for the next mainline kirby game!

The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD

FINALLY GOT AROUND TO PLAYING THIS ONE! I owned this on real hardware since its release date but never got far. I finally got around to it with the motivation of beating Tears of the Kingdom, and I gotta say, it’s pretty good! Not exactly like, absolutely top tier game that everyone MUST play but, it’s decent! Bosses are a big sour point though. Music was pretty decent, though the final dungeon theme is a bore. Only other current Zelda games I gotta beat are the 2D/Top-Down ones, so maybe I’ll do one of those next! Possibly either Phantom Hourglass or Spirit Tracks.

Pokémon Scarlet

HOLY SHIT THAT ENDING SEQUENCE WAS ACTUALLY COOL AS HELL!!! Like yeah, the game has its decent chunk of technical issues but, holy shit….those last two hours of the main story are phenomenal. TOBY FOX CONTINUES TO BE THE GOAT THE MUSIC HE COMPOSED IS AMAZING! I love how easier it is to capture pokemon compared to Sword and Shield as well. I do like Dynamax raids more as a multiplayer component, but I much prefer the Tera mechanic in terms of PVP. I stlll need to do the post game before the dlc comes out later this year, but all I really got is just the refights against the gym leaders and all that jazz. There’s also the Needle thingies I gotta pull out and the wall things I gotta investigate in order to get the other legendaries, but all I really care about is finishing the core of the main story, I got other games to get to lol. Probably thinking of either Paper Mario or Chrono Cross next haha.

Kamen Rider Heisei Generations Final: Build & Ex-Aid with Legend Riders

Okay so context: my friend @arcadiusdragoneyes​ is showing me and @darkspine576​ Kamen Rider Build since it’s one of his favorites and he wanted to indoctrinate introduce us into Kamen Rider AND IT’S FUCKING WORKING. I only know one part of this crossover, but I think it did a good job of giving across the feel of the other Kamen Rider series very well! Kamen Rider Build is so extra I love it. Can’t wait to finish Kamen Rider Build!

The Doctor Will See You Now (+18)

This is part 8/12 of December Event 2023 for @akagami-no-laney

Hongo X Fem!Secretary!Reader

Warnings: Medical play kink, possible glove kink?, sex on an exam table (with stirrups), sex in the workplace, oral sex (female receiving), unprotected sex, lowkey roleplay, and possibly inappropriate workplace relationship. No wait, yeah, you're his secretary, so you fuck your boss. Mildly dubious consent but it's pretty clear that this is wanted on both ends without fear of reprimand.

Word Count: 2,906

There was a palpable sense of relief as you locked the front office doors after the last patient of the year. You loved your job as Doctor Hongo’s secretary for his private practice, but the holiday was well deserved at this point. It had been a rough season, and you weren’t even the one seeing all the patients. But you did organize every session, test, correspondence, and other such noteworthy things for the practice. Of which there had been a lot.

A whole fucking lot.

He was well loved in the community and you could see why. He was very good at what he did, had a wonderful bedside manner, and was very easy on the eyes. Even his cliché lab coat couldn’t hide the broad frame and thick muscles that allowed him to move his patients or support them physically with ease. While it was annoying scheduling appointments for lonely housewives inquiring about ‘private home visits’, you’d be lying if you said the prospect held no appeal. Of course, you were more professional than to forward such enquiries on anyone’s behalf.

You turned back to regard the front office. It was lightly decorated for the season, a Christmas tree set up in the corner with donation tags for local charities, garland strung across the front desk, and a holiday special playing on the television in the corner. All of this would be removed and put away after the New Year first thing, but for now it was to stay. The other staff members eager to leave.

So now, it was only Doctor Hongo in his office and yourself. Technically, you could leave right now. He certainly wouldn’t mind it. But your perpetual soft spot guided your feet anyway. Past the exam rooms and offices of your colleagues. Most already tidied up—though someone forgot to clean a few of the exam rooms before the left.

He stood over his desk, back to you as he leafed through his papers. Patient files, perhaps. Ensuring all his tests were sent out and results organized. They should be already, you’d been responsible for organizing them once a week to ensure his appointments ran smoothly as part of your contract and NDAs. But he was a meticulous sort of man. Long blond strand of hair curling around his ear loosely, absently tucked into place when it fell from his bun.

From this angle, you could see the sharp line of his jaw where stubble began to form. The edge of his cheekbone and curve of his nose catching the sterile light. He hadn’t seen you yet, which was a good thing. It wouldn’t be professional to be caught staring at your boss like he’s a marble statue you weren’t allowed to touch. And damn, how your fingers ached to stroke up the back of his shoulders to his neck and hairline. He looked like he’d be warm but hard to the touch and you might just die happy if you ever got to know just how firm his arms were.

You spotted the moment he sensed you in the doorway and quickly redirected your expression to something less scandalous than open want. Instead gazing at him warmly as an old friend.

“Hey there, doctor. Need any help with anything before I go?” You asked softly, feeling strangely small in the abnormally quiet office. There wasn’t even any music playing. Just the light ruffle of papers in his hands and clothes shifting over his broad shoulders as he breathed evenly. Doctor Hongo smiled, almost shaking his head. “I noticed a few exam rooms weren’t tidied up yet. I can at least wipe them down before I go.”

He clicked his tongue, looking faintly annoyed.

“The nurses were supposed to do that before they left…” He sighed, shaking his head. “C’mon, let’s get this place cleaned up and then we can officially start our holiday.” Doctor Hongo smiled, placing his hand gently on your back and guiding you to the exam rooms. Closing and shutting off the lights in each one he passed by.

When he spotted the first one not cleaned up, he let you lead and started wiping down the counters as you handled the table.

“…So, have any plans?” Ah.

Subtle.

That’s not inappropriate to ask, is it? Shouldn’t be, surely?

He looked back at you as he poured more cotton balls into the jar with a smile, dark eyes bright and lively despite the less than flattering light.

“Oh, not really. What about yourself? Any plans with friends or a Christmas date?” He startled when he realized he poured too many, cursing softly as he scooped up the excess and tossed them. Then he went back to refilling the other supply jars with a strange tension in his shoulders.

“Nope. Solo this year I’m afraid. Just me, a bottle of wine, and maybe a few Christmas specials.” You laughed and he looked back at you in surprise.

“Really? I was sure you’d have something planned. You’re a hell of a catch after all… well, their loss, I suppose!” He declared with a grin before gesturing you to follow him out of the room, turning off the lights after you and closing the door.

You were a bit thrown by that response and could only follow him wordlessly until he hit the next room that hadn’t been cleaned properly.

“T-Thanks…” You mumbled a tad breathlessly as you went through the motions of wiping down the leather exam table.

There was a pause before a wave of heat washed over your back.

“Do you not believe me?” Doctor Hongo’s words drifted across the back of your neck and you jolted. “Perhaps I could show you?” he breathed softly but didn’t touch you despite being so tantalizingly close.

“D-Doctor--!” You couldn’t help but stammer nervously, looking back to see him gazing down at you intensely with a faint smile.

“Only if you wish it… only if you want me.” Hongo leaned in closer, his hands resting on the leather. You struggled to remember how to breathe, let alone speak. His dark eyes cutting through your thoughts as heat pooled inside you. “You seem at a loss for words… do you need a doctor?” He grinned mischievously and you choked.

“D-D—” You swallowed hard. “D-Doctor… a-are you…?” you couldn’t say it.

Couldn’t even dream of implying what was almost certainly happening.

Hongo—Doctor Hongo!—hummed thoughtfully, his hands brushing over your cheeks. Fingertips resting over your pulse as he measured the rapid beat of your heart.

“You seem stressed. Common this time of year… perhaps you should take a seat on the exam table?” Hongo leaned back and gave you space.

Noticeably, he left open a generous gap to leave. His expression almost coy but understanding. Interested but unwilling to push.

Out of all his attractive qualities, of which he had many, his integrity is what drew you in the most. More than anything else, though make no mistake, those other qualities were just as attractive.

If you didn’t want to pursue this, he’d happily let you leave and likely not mention it beyond an apology fruit basket for the presumption. But…

But.

If you did—damn how much you did despite words failing you—then he’d gladly keep up this cute game.

And fuck you wanted to play.

Carefully, you turned to face him fully, face hot as you smiled and lifted yourself onto the exam table. His smile was dazzling as he spun on his heel and plucked two gloves from the mounted rack.

“Well! Let’s get to the bottom of this then, shall we?” Hongo purred, snapping his gloves in place before gently adjusting you to lay down. Without looking, he moved the table into a position close to a reclining chair, his hand pressing over your sternum briefly. Gloved fingers rubbing over your neck teasingly, just a little to lingering in their touch to be clinical. “Your heart rate is quite healthy. Lymph nodes are good. Your throat?”

Hongo leaned in, thumbs rubbing over your cheeks as he kissed you. Lips soft and warm over yours. Parting gently as your eyes slid shut, his tongue tracing the fragile seam of your lips. Slipping in deeper as you moaned, your hands clutching his shoulders as peppermint flooded your mouth. Eagerly, he pressed deeper. Like he intended on inspecting your throat intimately. His hands trailing down to the hem of your sweater. Rubber grazing your skin as he rubbed up to your breasts. Pushing up your bra to tease your nipples. Happily drinking up your whines as you squirmed.

Your heart raced as you tried not to moan, but it was futile. His touch, even through gloves, was electrifying. His kiss all consuming. If it wasn’t the crackle of paper and leather underneath you, you would have forgotten where you were. You keened as he pinched and pulled at your breasts with a pleased groan. Pinning your thighs open with his body, hips gently grinding into your skirt, pushing the fabric up higher with every needy pass.

When he finally relinquished your lips, you gasped for air. Panting as your body shook. His eyes hungry for more.

“Doctor! Aaahn~!” You whined as he pushed up your sweater and exposed your sensitive breasts to the cold air.

“Hmmm… your breasts look lovely. Nothing amiss here, though perhaps I should take a closer look just in case?” Hongo mused playfully as he leaned in and took the hard nipple into his mouth. Toying with it between his tongue and teeth. Your heart raced hard in your chest as you failed to hold in your moans, hands gripping the collar of his coat. Yanking when he nipped and blew the damp skin with a frantic shudder. “Your reactions are amazing. Should have done this a lot sooner, could have had you on my table months ago… but there’s still one more place to check before I give you a clean bill of health, isn’t there?” Hongo asked with a grin, pulling away from you.

You couldn’t help the low whine as his heat left you. His hands pulling out something at the edge of the exam table. You rubbed your thighs together to take the edge off your growing arousal, mortified at how wet you were. But not as mortified when he finished pulling out the stirrups and your whole cunt throbbed at the promise.

Hongo pulled off your shoes and lifted up your thighs, settling your knees on the padded stirrups, heels resting on pedals after a minor adjustment. His face was almost obscured by your pencil skirt, but his eyes cut over the taut fabric with a silent question. His hot hands hovering over your hips.

“P-Please doctor!” You moaned, nearly gasping when his hands settled under your skirt. Pushing the fabric up until it no longer threatened to tear between your spread thighs. Palms rubbing your hips before slightly adjusting you up higher into a more comfortable position. Fingers trailing over your stockings to over your panties, teasing the seam where the two halves met. He looked enthralled at the slick slide of fabric against your pussy. Pressing easily between your folds through the fabric.

“Seems to be a healthy amount of arousal. But I think you’d benefit from an even closer inspection.” Hongo purred, ripping your stockings down the middle and your panties as well. “Oh, what a beautiful sight~” His hot breath washed over your cunt as he spread out your folds eagerly. His tongue quick to lap at your clit as you gasped.

You fell back against the leather padding, paper ripping in your hands you as you writhed. His gloved fingers slipping into your body as he probed your quivering walls. Tongue delving between your folds as you dripped under his attentions. He was thorough and hungry for your reactions. Diving into your cunt like he was starved, one free hand pressing your belly down to keep you still for him. His fingertips abusing every sensitive spot he found, searching for the one that made you want to scream.

And when he did find it, he pressed hard, grinding into that spot while panting praises into your pussy.

“I’ve been wanting to taste this for months.”

“Let me hear everything~”

“That’s right, just like that~ You need this so bad, I can tell~”

“Cum for me, just let it all go~ give it to me, baby~” You shuddered, clenching down on his hand as your thighs fought against the stirrups to slam shut to no avail.

“D-DOCTOR! A-Aaahh! O-Ohhh~! D-Doctor~!” You wailed, receiving only a hearty chuckle, his fingers now gently massaging your g-spot as you came down from your intense high. His lips pressed over your clit with soft licks over your drooling cunt.

He hummed after a long moment. Slowly withdrawing his hand and standing up, pulling off his gloves with a satisfied look.

“As I suspected.” Hongo declared with a grin, lips wet as he licked them. “You need an emergency treatment, immediately. Are you ready?” He asked gently, pointedly grabbing his belt.

Your heart stuttered as you nodded.

“Yes! Y-Yes, D-Doctor Hongo!” You cried out and he smiled, immediately shoving his pants down enough to free his cock. You didn’t get the opportunity to look before he pressed in close. Bracing one hand on your waist as he guided the tip to your folds. Brushing it between them, smearing your cum around before gently pressing in.

You shuddered as his thick cock spread you open, throbbing inside you with every inch gained. You struggled to breathe, gasping as he pressed forward, rocking back whenever your arousal started to run too thin for a seamless glide. Almost taunting you as he slowly hilted. Your body felt hot as he finally settled against your thighs as deep as he could go. Your pussy struggling around his length as he rocked against you. The small bit you couldn’t take sliding in and making you whine, your pussy pressing against his base briefly before he pulled back with a smirk.

“W-What a wonderful woman you are. Taking my cock so well. A-Anytime you need this, say the word. Anywhere. I’d happily bend my cute secretary over my desk anytime she wants. You make such cute noises though, I might have to gag you…” Hongo panted, pulling almost all the way out before slamming back into place as you wailed. “But not tonight. You can cry out all you like tonight. Just for me. T-That’s it, just like that for me, baby~” Hongo groaned as he set a harsh pace. Driving the air from your lungs as you grew louder. Body tensing as he drove you closer to the edge again, cock pulsing inside you as sweat dripped down his face.

The room filled with the squeak of leather, paper ripping beneath you, your wet cunt being fucked open, and your loud cries. Words slurred past recognition as you wailed desperately beneath him. Affirmation or begging, you weren’t sure.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Special lunch under my desk, heh, not a bad idea. Maybe we can give it a try before we leave, I don’t think you’ll be able to walk for a while when I’m through with you. Will you?” Hongo panted hungrily as you struggled to figure out if you should shake your head for your quivering thighs or nod for the scandalous image of you kneeling under his desk. “Hmmm, what a good girl you are. Couldn’t ask for a better secretary~ Are you getting close? I think you are, I can feel you throttling my cock~! Well, don’t hold back. I want it all.” Hongo encouraged, fucking you into the table harder and faster.

You snapped, throat burning as you screamed, stirrups groaning as you seized beneath him. Squirting hard against his cock and balls. Hongo grunting in surprise as he fucked you that much harder, cursing under his breath. You whined when he suddenly pulled out, his fist slapping into his hips wetly as he spurted over your open thighs and cunt. Hot cum spraying onto your still quivering pussy with a deep, satisfied groan.

“H-Hongo…” You panted, collapsing against the exam table totally wrung out. He chuckled, kissing your knee as he also caught his breath.

“S-Shit, I got a little carried away there… do you want to take this back to my place?” Hongo asked softly. You swallowed hard and smiled back at him.

“I think I’ll need help walking…” You admitted and he laughed.

“Well, as a doctor, I think I can help with that~” Hongo preened. “Can’t think of a better way to spend the holiday.”

“Aren’t you supposed to not work on the holiday?” You asked faintly, struggling to remove your legs from the stirrups.

Hongo laughed.

“As if this could ever be called work! Besides, all you need is some good old-fashioned bedrest.” Hongo waggled his eyebrows.

“Yeah?” You smiled. “How much rest is involved in that?” Hongo pretended to consider the question as he lifted your legs up for you.

“Less than your actual doctor would recommend, I imagine.” He admitted with a wicked smile.

“I think…” You began softly, face hot, “I’d like to really disobey the doctor’s orders in this case.”

Hongo lit up with a bright smile.

“Well, they do say you should always get a second opinion!”

i have very mixed feelings abt the holiday banner

oh god another houses banner

oh god another houses lords banner

they ACTUALLY just booted claude from a houses lords banner to randomly stick yunaka on it. they really just stuck yunaka on a houses lords banner and booted claude from it instead of making yunaka the free unit to make the banner make sense because sweet baby jesus oh no how could we have THREE men on a single banner (even if one is a duo, it doesn't count since the lead is male!!!)!!!

as i have said, intsys does not deserve claude and i will continue retaining custody of him

i am contractually obligated to pull for dimitri bc claude is free and i am sworn to gather all dimitris and claudes and s support them

i am contractually obligated to pull for dimitri anyway

no but they actually just booted claude from a houses lord banner bc they wanted another pair of tits and a nice giant crotch outline

they still have not given us yuletide's eyes and yuletide's ears. where are our santas, janaff and ulki? when will intsys realize what fools they've been and atone for their sins?

felix can be doubly grumpy now while he has to sit in that outfit miserable (i would be too) while dimitri sits in that outfit not miserable

i said dimitri, halloween, giving out candy to children, but this is technically the same idea but with gifts

dimitri and claude will once again be kissing as they always do when they get alts

dimitri and claude will be a happy gift giving couple

shinon will sit with felix in harmonic misery bc intsys said it's been seven years since launch and we still won't put janaff in this game

they actually seriously really truly honestly just booted claude from the houses lord banner to put a non houses character on it

intsys is not allowed to have claude they do not treat him kindly

are we ever getting matthias btw intsys (we don't even have miklan...)

just realized my 2023 heroes bingo aged terribly and i expected that wholeheartedly but i am still disappointed

very sick of houses lords banners but will always take new a mitri so internal conflict ensues

new year's ranulf??? please im begging you he needs an alt

new year's ranulf/ike duo??? please im begging you radiant dawn was the ranulf/ike game

but if not i'll take a janaff/shinon duo ANY FUCKING TIME INTSYS... hey... that was a lil hint u kno??? a nudge...??? yeah...??? hey... intsys...??? um... are u listening...?

gift giving happy mitri living his best life

they seriously really honestly and truly fucking kicked claude off the-

an old fashioned love song

Lucy’s not sure when it happens. Maybe around her thirtieth birthday. Maybe it was earlier. But over the past few years (decades, actually, but who would admit that?), her favorite songs have been … migrating.

She noticed it the first time on a trip back home to Detroit. She was driving past what used to be Elenore’s dance studio when she heard the Dexys cover of “Jackie Wilson Said” on the classic rock station, where it should never be. It freaked her out, but maybe it was just a fluke. Maybe the classic rock station went a little almost college rock for a minute there. Yes. That must have been it. It couldn’t have been anything else.

But in the past few years, Lucy hasn’t been able to live in that much denial. As soon as the grocery store becomes the most likely place for her to hear most of her favorite songs, she knows she’s gotten very, very old.

To be fair, most of Lucy’s favorite songs are older than she is. A little older, anyway. When she was a little girl, she listened to music like her parents and like her very cool babysitter in Connecticut with the short dark hair. She always wanted to be older, and she thought music was the best place to start. And, of course, it was … until they started playing her favorite songs in grocery stores.

It hits her harder than ever on July 3, 2023. She and Will took the rest of the family to a little town in North Carolina for the holiday, and they’re shopping at a local market for tomorrow’s meals. As they peruse the aisle for the best hot dog buns, Lucy hears it. “An Old Fashioned Love Song” by Three Dog Night. She begins to sing under her breath, almost like she can’t control herself.

Just an old fashioned love song / playing on the radio …

Will looks up from the hot dog buns and smiles at her like he knows too much. He always knows too much. That’s what you get for marrying your boyfriend when you’re both sixteen. You memorize each other like … well …

Just an old fashioned love song / one I’m sure they wrote for you and me.

“I always forget you like this song,” he says, tossing a good package of buns into their cart. “It always seems too cheesy for you.”

“Please,” Lucy says. “I love cheese. And not just cheddar and gouda. I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t like a little … production.”

“I love how you can make everything sound just a little dirty.”

“I love how you can take it that way, even when very few people would.”

“Hey. It’s a testament to how well we know each other.”

“And how well we fuck.”

“Same thing?”

“If one is lucky. Which we are.”

“You’re right. We always have been, haven’t we?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

Will laughs and pushes the cart down to the next aisle. The song follows them there. It doesn’t seem to bother Will that they’ve gotten a bit old. Aging never really seems to bother Will. He’s one of those guys who’s happy being alive … who loves taking a deep breath before blowing out the candles on his birthday cake just to prove he can still do it.

Lucy loves that about him. Every corner of him is so … breathing.

“You don’t also secretly like 10cc, do you?” Will asks.

“Oh, fuck no,” Lucy says. “We do many things for love, but listening to 10cc for more than three seconds while you fiddle with the station is not really one of them.”

Will stops pushing the cart. He spins on his heels, takes Lucy in his arms, and kisses her swiftly, like a cartoon character counting his blessings before the anvil gets him on the head.

“Good afternoon to you, too,” Lucy says.

Will chuckles. He doesn’t say anything else, but he doesn’t have to. With Lucy, he never really does. The song still follows them into the next aisle.

Just an old fashioned love song / coming down in three-part harmony.

uh anyway.

in like the last couple weeks or so we found out that my step-mom has like pretty late-stage cancer and her health has been declining rapidly ever since.

which is so stupid because i’m like who the fuck are her doctors. how the fuck did we not catch this until she was literally having trouble with motor skills and speaking. she literally works for a medical care consortium like it’s not like she’s been skipping checkups and shit.

my dad’s been with her for like?? roughly ten years?? maybe a year or two less than that??? i don’t know exactly but somewhere in that ballpark. and they only just got married two years ago. and they make each other so happy.

and i’m just like. furious, tbh. like this is so fucking stupid. it’s so fucking stupid. there is no reason for shit like this to be happening in the year of our lord 2023. it’s stupid and pointless and tragic.

and it’s also easter right which comes with its own Baggage because every year my mom tries to guilt me into coming home because “it’s the most important holiday in the catholic faith” and every year i weasel my way out of it because i fucking hate easter and always have it’s my least favorite holiday but this year i feel so shitty about it like way shittier than i usually do because like.

idk i should have just gone home.

i should have gone home to appease my mom and to see my sisters and i should have gone home so i can see my dad and my step-mom and like be with them while all of this bullshit is happening. like i feel like such a douchebag for just sitting here with nothing to do when it’s a beautiful day outside and my mom is alone on a holiday that’s so important to her because my sisters are being with my dad and my step-mom and i’m just. out here doing nothing.

god and then there’s the added layer of like. my mom lost both of her parents to cancer, right? my nana died when i was 14 and my papa died when i was in college. and among the many things she resents my dad for (some of which is justified, some of which is not, all of which is very human) one of them is that he still has both of his parents. another is that when he remarried he like “changed” for my step-mom in ways that he wouldn’t for my mom, and they have this like seemingly perfect little relationship while my mom can’t seem to stop getting entangled with stalkers and narcissists who ruin her life. so it’s like. she tells me and my sisters that she doesn’t want us to feel like we can’t talk to her about what’s going on with my step-mom, but fucking obviously i’m not going to do that, holy shit. like i don’t honestly know how my mom feels about it and i don’t fucking want to know, because all it will do is make everything more complicated than it already fucking is.

she gets so fucking jealous whenever we do anything with my dad and not with her. she says she doesn’t but she demonstrably does. and even though like. i’m sure most of her would understand if i went home just to see my dad and my step-mom while all of this is going on (clearly she understood why my sisters spent easter with them and not with her) but i also know there would be a part of her that was bitter and resentful and i know there’s nothing i can do about that and i can’t sit here and be worried about what other people may or may not feel because i have no control over that and i can’t make it my problem but that’s so much easier said than done when it’s your fucking catholic martyr of a mother.

and also i just started my period so all of this is like. dialed up to 11 right now, lol.

so anyway yeah uh that’s where i’m at right now lmao in case you were curious. thanks for reading this if you did btw i just. really wanted someone other than my family to like. know what was going on. idk. you know how it is.

anyway time to go back to blogging about anime like nothing happened.

HI IRENEEEE IDK IF UR SEEIGN THIS PROBABLY NOT BUT LIKE ABNDDDDSUJ

its me sai!! i literally tried messaging and sending asks to you on my old acc but it literally DOESNT. send like i dont know why??? (it happened when i was trying to interact w my other moots too😭😭)

IM REALLY SORRY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO INTERACT SINCE LIKE i just got back on tumblr recently and shit's been wild... rn as im typing this its already jan 2 so HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOUUU

i hope you're having a good day and i see you watch aib too <33 chishiya likers + kento supremacists unite (real) this ask is so long i am so sorry. Help

ok but just a short ramble b4 i enf this ask i finished s2 of aib and holy shitting shit fucj iwent through so much types of panic there bc this bitch chishiya is so unbothered and arisu has to be on the brink of deatj every damn time i was literally yelling NOOOO YOURE TOO SEXY TO DIE DONT DO THIS TO ME i cried in eps 7 and 8 it was a whole rollercoaster istfg

okay that ramble was NOT short at all i am so sorry HRESDJKD I SHOULD STFU NOW BYEEE ILY I HOPE UR DOING WELL HAPPY NEW YEAR AGAIN IMY <3

OH MY GOD SAI 1?!?!!

I MISSED U SM WHAT EVEN YES YES HAPPY NEW YEAR TO U TOO I HOPE UR DOING WELL OML and yesss aib was so slay fr s2 did not disappoint

NOT U SCREAMING OVER CHISHIYA HLSKKWELFJLWJ he was so stressful to watch fr like THERE R LITERAL BULLETS SPRAYING EVERYWHERE AND HE IS JOGGING WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS ?!?!? WITH HIS HOOD ON ?!!? LOOKING SO UNBOTHERED !!?? chishiya what is this behavior

but anyways i missed u so so so much its been SO LONG WTF I HOPE UR DOING WELL TOO AND HAPPY NEW YR so fucking unreal to think that its alr 2023 😟 how have u been !??!?

I know you’re less active on here nowadays but I hope you’re doing well, esp since I think I saw you mention at some point you were in the middle of a very busy holiday season while getting back to a more regular work schedule, among other things. While I’m always looking forward to Large Joon Fic updates (seriously, my favorite name for it, even though Sacrificial is also lovely and becoming even more meaningful as the story wraps up), I hope you’re taking care of yourself, doing whatever makes you happy in the meantime and finding a better balance of all the things.

IT WILL ALWAYS BE LARGE JOON FIC IN OUR HEARTSSSSS

Ah, my goodness. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. When I'd started posting it, my goal was to have it done posting before the end of the year, and yet, here we are, in 2023, and I still have four chapters to go. Shit happens, to be honest.

When I started doing freelance editing, I had multiple existential crises because for months, I couldn't get anyone to take a chance on me. And like, y'all know how much I beta read. It's something I'm confident in doing. But know one wants to hire a person with zero paid experience. And then suddenly, a person did. And then another, and another, and suddenly I have a handful of repeat clients who not only like how I do my job but actually give a shit and pay me for my opinions on writing. Like what the fuck right?? I'm still in shock tbh.

I started posting Sacrificial around the same time I started looking for work, so watching these two parts of my life work together in tandem like this has been really strange, but also like, so important. Even when I'm like swamped in deadlines (like I am this week), getting a comment on Sacrificial, or any other fic, for that matter, reminds me that I can only do what I'm doing right now because of what this community has given me. And that shit started with me drafting Sacrificial in 2021.

idk I've been thinking about it a lot, mostly because fuuuuuck I need to get ch 17 out soon because I'm anxious to hear people's thoughts on what happens during it. I'm just so bad at managing my time alksjdhflaksjdh

BUT. I'm learning!! I'm so so thankful that I've got folks like you, who are patient and gracious about my slowness. Truly, it means the world to me. I know I'm a broken record about that shit but like I don't feel like I can say it enough tbh. This community, for all the times that it makes me want to rip my hair out, is made infinitely richer by having folks like you in it :) folks like you are why I'm still here at all.

Anyway that's enough feelings for a Friday. I appreciate you so much, Sim!!!!!! Thank you so much for writing in! I'm figuring my shit out slowly, and I'm so thankful for you <3

Again, I am writing this later than usual but this is for 2023. Queue lets go.

I always say I never have any hopes or expectations. But it’s not entirely accurate. This year needs to be different. There needs to be change. So I am going to write out hopes but there will need to be the action on my part! 2022 I was just full on depressed and anxious. I only realise how bad it was upon reflection. I don’t think that will go away within the space of a year but I need it to not be as heightened. I hope that when I next look back on this I’m in a good mental space. In all aspects of life.

So, the most important thing for me this year is that I need to leave CC. ASAP. It is one of the biggest causes of my mental state. So I need to leave. I hope I do that in 2023 and more importantly I find something in media and entertainment. Something that I actually enjoy and does not require me to work 24/7 and is actually of my own interests. This is the main thing for me this year. If I can do that I *hope* there’ll be a big and better difference in my life. And it will be helping me to advance more into the creative roles that I want to do. So I hope I also make progress on that side.

I also actually want to have the time to do hobbies and have hobbies. I hope that I learn to play some piano, that I get better at playing tennis, that I go out more and explore London. I hope that I travel more this year too. I want to go on at least one holiday every month. Essentially enjoy life and actually live and not just be all about work. I hope I go to more grand prix, i already saw the 1975 but i would love to see them again and meet Matty, maybe even go see Harry Styles!!! Chances are slim but would love to meet Harry and Timothee (again!)

I’ll be turning 27 and i’m ngl, i dread that number so much because I think of the fact that, that is officially late 20s and closer to 30 than to 20. That is fucked up because i still feel like i’m 22. I hate this so much! But mainly because I think I haven’t even achieved anything or close to and i’m almost 30. *cries* I hope that when this happen, as it is a privilege anyway to age, and that by the end of the year , i will be better about ageing, and the idea of timelines and achievements and what should be done at what age. Need to stop comparing and caring. So yeah have a better mindset about that.

I don’t know what else to add. But this year is going to be so scary and i just dont know what to expect from it and where i’ll be, what i’ll be thinking and what state i’ll be in. Like i’m genuinely scared. I hope future me when you’re reading this, most importantly that you are happy, healthy, content and ok. (8th February 2023)

2022 In A Nutshell

I want you to read this and remember how diabolically horrible and crazy 2022 was. In the beginning of the year, it was pretty promising. Things were looking alright for you; you were earning quite a bit from a Singapore job and money was the least of your worries. A younger boy was relentless chasing after you all the way from London eventhough he was exciting and interesting, he just wasn’t the right person for you. You were bored but you went along with it anyway.

You quit your God awful job and started in a new agency. Things started to look a little bit more promising.

Things were fine until May came along. You went to LA & Vegas with Alex & Gar, you found out Alex was cheating on you, eventhough you were not officially together - that shit broke you. You became a version of yourself that you hate - your mom.

You came back from Vegas in June with the worst ever sickness and ended up in the hospital. You also lost your friendship with Cam but that wasn’t your fault.

A month after, your dad fell into a stroke and you spent July being miserably abused by your brother while nursing the fact that your job is in jeopardy. However, you held on quite well and things started to stabilise after a few months. Only for it all fall apart in November when you had to put your dog down all while starting another new job. 

You almost killed yourself in November. 

You took a trip to Penang with your friends hoping to recuperate from what a shitty week, month, year it has been - only to fuck up even further with your friends by conducting the most shameful and thoughtless act. 

After recklessly losing some friends, you went to Jakarta for another rave thinking it will be the best chance to relief yourself from whatever happened in KL - except it didnt stop there. Things got exceptionally worse when you ended up in a locker.

After what seemed like hell on earth, you had a week to pack and leave to New York. You just started this new job with a new Singapore agency, your manager was unaware before you signed the contract that you had a pre-planned holiday already and he’s not exactly happy with you. You got a scolding from him but he was also understanding on the efforts you’re making to work while you’re on the trip.

Then New York happened, and it was the best thing that can happen to you. You’re happier going into 2023. You’re more confident and you’ve forgiven yourself on the things that had happened throughout the year. Remember you are better than you think you’re worthy of. You are worthy of happiness and peace. I love you, Amanda. 

Summary of 2022:

3 Jobs 

3 Losses

1 Attempt at suicide 

1 Heartbreak 

1 Hospitalisation 

Multiple accounts of mental breakdowns 

1 Happy Christmas & New Year’s Eve 

5 Cities: LA, Vegas, New York, Jakarta & Singapore

You’ve got great friends, appreciate them.

hello!! ❄️ happy belated louis day! i’m sorry i haven’t been very active but atp i’ve given up on trying to make myself do something that will require me to use braincells - all i’ve done the past few days is lounge in bed and watch series at alarming rates. we didn’t actually get a vacation for christmas/new years (we only have the 31st off) but my teachers are absent anyway and so are most of my classmates, so i’m just bored as fuck and waking up at 10 am everyday 😭 my desi parents are somehow not mad at me, YET, let’s see how long they put up with it ajdhshdj 😭😭 how are your holidays going? i literally CANNOT believe it’s about to be 2023 like i think covid genuinely fucked with my perception of time. i’m not even being dramatic but i’m sorry there’s just no universe in which 2015 is more than 4 years ago. what the fuck. i cry if i think about the passage of time too hard. doesn’t stop me from wasting my time though 🤪 i do have a younger sibling!! i have a sister, she’s about to be 13 in jan! we do love each other a whole lot and she’s my best friend but she’s at this age where her whole existence feels annoying but i know we’ll get over it. if i ever did that to her she’d block me though 💀💀 question of the day - do you have any plans for new year’s? how’d you celebrate christmas, if you do that now? x

i'm so so sorry i'm just now seeing this 🤧🤧 my inbox was flooded with hate mail 💀

you mean to tell me 2015 isn't 4 years ago????? nah i simply refuse to believe that 😭😭😭 also about your sister! honestly that's a phase i think all sibling relationships go through. like when i was at the tail end of my teen years, my sister was just about to be a teen and we fought so much and didn't speak for months on end and stuff like that and now our relationship has completed changed and we're closer than ever 🫂

it's a bit late now, but i spent both christmas and new years being in bed and i wouldn't have it any other way. i've been extremely stressed and exhausted these past few weeks so sleeping in really helped. what did you do for new years? 👀 did you have a lovely time during your holidays?

Oblivious

Spencer Reid x Bi!Female Reader

Warnings: bad language, a bit of sex talk

A/N: Happy pride month! I know there’s lots of evil things going on in the world at the moment so I wanted to bring a bit of happiness back, even if it is just for a few minutes. I have a Bi!Spencer Reid x Male Reader one shot (possibly a mini series) coming soon, as well as a Lesbian!Emily Prentiss one shot in the works.  Let me know if you want a part 2, possibly a smutty chapter? Who knows ;) anyways enough of my rambling, enjoy :)

Word count: 2023

“Hey good job today angel face” Morgan says from opposite me as I pack up my bags to head home. “Everyone’s going for drinks in a bit, fancy coming?”

“Since when have I ever said no to drinks with my favourite man?” I sarcastically shoot back.

“Well considering Reid hasn't asked you out for drinks, I can't comment on that one sunshine.” I pick up a piece of paper from my desk and throw it at him. Unfortunately I have a shit sense of aim, so it ended up going way to the right of Derek and hitting Emily square in the forehead. 

“Oops, sorry Em!” I say, skipping over to my best friend and kissing the spot it collided with her face at. Unable to contain her laughter anymore, she erratically waved her hands in front of her face to get to back off. I do, not before messing her hair up with my fingers.

“Uhhhh, what have I walked into?” comes a voice from my left. I spin round and see Spencer stood next to my desk with a puzzled expression on my face. I sheepishly smile at him, looking at Derek for help. 

“Y/N once again tried to hit me with a flying object, but her awful aim stopped that from happening and it hit Em instead” Derek laughed out. With a fake anger look on my face I kept on Derek and held him in a fake chokehold. I didn't think twice at how immature it might make me seem, but once I heard Spencer’s adorable laugh I knew I didn't need to second guess myself.

“Hey you adorable human being, get your own man” Garcia says as she walks up to the mess that has unravelled. I rub Derek’s head firmly before sliding off his shoulders, placing my feet firmly on the ground. Well, so I thought. As it seemed though, the earth hated me. As my feet made contact with the ground, my knees buckled and I fell backwards. A firm, but soft pair of hands caught me and helped me steady myself. I didn't need to turn around to look at who had caught me, I could recognise those hands from a mile away. 

“Thanks you” I muttered slowly pulling myself off him.

“No problem.”

Feeling the tensions rise in the air I turn my attention back to Garcia, who is now perching on Emily’s desk with a smirk on her face. That little shit, I mutter to myself. Thankfully, my comment wasn't heard by anyone. “For your information Pen, I don't need no man thank you. I am perfectly capable of making my own bad decisions without a helping hand.”

“Amen to that girl!” Emily calls out.

“What about a woman?” Derek asks as we collectively make our way to the lifts. We all manage to fit into one life and I press the button before leaning around Spencer to whack his arm.

“Bite me Derek Morgan.”

“I’m sure Emily would happily do that” he retorts, smirking. This time it was Emily’s turn to whack Derek’s arm. The sounds of bickering between Emily and Derek fill the elevator.

As we get get down to the car park the bickering stops and a wave of realisation hits me like a gust of wind. “Fuck” I mutter, pulling out my phone to see who could come get me.

“Hey, you okay?” a quiet voices comes from besides me.

“Jesus Christ Spence, you scared me!”

“Sorry I didn't mean to. Seriously, are you okay? I don't see your car” he says, quickly scanning the car park for signs of my car.

“My car’s in the garage getting its suspension fixed. I forgot to ask my roommate to pick me up from work tonight and now its 10pm and she's probably already out. Oh my god, how am I going to get home-”

“Hey it’s okay, we’ll go to yours to grab what you need before heading to the bar to meet the others. Come on, hop in” he says, opening the passenger side door before scooting round to the drivers side and getting in. It didn't take long for me to make up my mind, I mean it was either go with him or try to find my own way home AND then my way to the bar we were all set to meet at 11. I got in, shooting him a smile and we head off.

        - AT THE BAR -

“Hey! Finally you showed up, we were beginning to think you weren't coming” JJ says and we approach the booth.

“Don’t be silly, we don't do this very often anymore. I wouldn't miss it for the world” I say scooting into the booth, situating myself between Emily and Spencer. Oh great, this won't be awkward at all, I say to myself. Almost as if he'd read my mind (or, most likely, the awkwardness I was displaying) Spencer’s leg shifted slightly and met mine. I looked up at him slightly, yet his focus was on Morgan and debating on what alcohol would get them drunk the fastest.

After a few drinks everyone seems to have loosened up a bit. I mean, even Spencer was on his third drink of the night. The norm for this team is as the number of drinks consumed got higher, the more secrets (or “tea” as Penelope would sometimes put it) were revealed. And tonight proved no different that normal.

“Let’s do truth or drink guys!” Penelope half shouted. The bar we were at is one of our favourite ones to go to together and tonight was pretty loud in here. Meaning as the surroundings got louder, the louder we all became. Even though every single one of us groaned at the idea, we all knew better than to disagree with a tipsy Penelope. It started off relatively innocent and calm, until it got to Derek’s turn Derek, having been waiting for 10 minutes already, knew exactly what and who he wanted to ask. It was no surprise to me when he pointed at me.

“Little miss sunshine, ready for your question?”

“I was born ready baby, give it to me.”

“Do you have a preference of who you date?And if so, what is it.”

That fucker. Not a drinking session goes by that I don't get asked about my sexuality  I mean don't get me wrong, I love educating people and I love the sight on Derek’s face when I end up getting the number of a girl he’s expressed interest in. Taking a swig of my drink, I ponder on the question for a few moments before replying,

“I have a ‘type’ of women that I find myself automatically gravitating myself towards. I mean I guess I have a type of guy I like too. I don't know, I just go with what my heart says most of the time.”

“You still need to describe it sunshine” he says, smirking into his drink. It’s not as if we haven't had this discussion before, and by ‘we’ I mean Derek and myself. He knew what it was, he just wanted to see me suffer.

“I hate you” I groan, shuffling around to get comfortable before I answer Derek’s question. I take a big swig of my drink as I go to reply “red headed girls with a quick temper.”

“And the guys?” Spencer says, breaking his silence and looking at me.

“Brown mess hair, bit of a dork, goofy, tall, thinks Halloween is the best holiday of the year” I say, drawing my lips into a small smirk and taking another sip of my drink. Spencer doesn't even blink twice at my reply. Idiot.

Everyone’s questions seemed a lot tamer than mind. For example, JJ would be asked “what's the most romantic thing Will’s ever done for you?” and Derek’s would be “so you wish you had more freedom with your work hours?”. But mine, “craziest place you've had sex?” or “one person you'd happily let jump your bones right now?” (10 points if you guess who asked that one). After a few rounds I squeezed through the crowd and up to the bar for refills, and shots. I was under strict instructions to get at least 20 shots, no less. 

“Hey can I have the same again, but with 20 shots as well?” shooting the bar tender a smile and giving the name of the open tab.

“Sure things hun, what shots do you want?” she asks.

“Surprise me,” I say, not really knowing what to order. I feel a tap on my shoulder, alerting me that someone was behind me. I spin around to see the most gorgeous red head stood in front of me. Out of the corner of my eye, the laughing was easing at the table and I could see the glances they were all giving in my direction. Great, an audience is just what I need. 

“Hey, so I hope I’m not over stepping by saying I think you're one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen here.”

“Hi, that’s so sweet of you! You are absolutely stunning yourself” I say, feeling 5 sets of eyes on me. 

“Um would it be possible for me to get your number?” she asks, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. It’s not that I don't find you ridiculously attractive, I um” I trail off slightly, glancing back and locking eyes with the messy haired brunette at my table. He flashes me a small, yet sad smile before turning his attention to JJ. “It wouldn't be fair to either of us if I did that because my hearts already with someone else.”

“It’s cool, I get it. Whoever they are is a lucky person” she says, smiling sweetly before turning and walking away. I turn back to the bar and grab the tray of drinks, slowly making my way back to the table. This time, when I reach the table, its quiet and all eyes are on me.

“What?” I ask, as I hand out the drinks and put the shots in a circe in the middle of the table. I scoot back into the booth, regaining my seat in between Spencer and Emily.

“Why did you turn her down?” Derek asks in disbelief, “in the 5 years I've known you I have never seen you turn down someone that quickly. Especially not a smoking hot red head like that!”

“You say that as if it's a crime Derek. I wasn't interested, I said no and we parted ways. End of conversation.”

“But why?” Spencer asks, “she’s exactly your type.”

“Yeah and so are you yet you're still an oblivious fuck” I mutter. Something in the air changed the second those words fell out of my mouth. I couldn't quite figure out if it was a good change or not.

“What was that Y/N?” Derek asks, smirking.

“What I said was not meant for your ears so shut it” I ramble looking over at Spencer, who’s still staring at me and seemingly in a world of his own. I try to study his face, looking for some kind of answer or reply to what I’d just said.

Sensing the obvious tension in the air Penelope did the best thing she could think of doing, shouting out the words “SHOT TIME EVERYONE!”. That seemed to do the trick as it knocked Spencer out of whatever alternate timeline he was in. He grabs 2 shots, placing one in front of you and keeping the other in his hand.

“To friendship” JJ said, raising her shot glass to the roof.

“To friendship!” the others yelled, clinking glasses and putting back the shots.

Spencer’s hand found its way to your thigh under the table, squeezing it tightly as he muttered, “to friendship.” downing the shot. His eyes locked on mine.

“To friendship” I say, pulling my lips to the glass with a smirk and downing it.  Hmm, maybe he's completely oblivious after all, I say to myself before locking hands with Spencer under the table.

So.

Little introduction here... my name is Rhiannon. I'm in my early 30's. I'm bisexual, gender fluid (still prefer she/her but they/them is acceptable, it really does not matter to me as long as masc pronouns are not used in reference to me), and a polytheistic "witch". Most importantly, I'm a huge fucking nerd. I'm also going to use my tumblr more as a blog than just an image and gif sharing space, which I'll do a lot of that too, but that's not its primary function for me.

Every year I made a resolution even though, overall, I think new year's resolutions are silly. New Year's Eve has always been my favourite holiday, even though I know time is fake and nothing is real and yada yada. I just like to enjoy things. So, my resolution for 2021 has been to learn how to live as my most authentic self, to learn who I truly am so that I can do that, and to be unapologetically me. If you know me, you'd be pretty shocked that I don't already do/know those things. However, when you're a person who has lead a traumatic life such as myself, you tend to lose sight of who you are.

At my core, I know I'm a good person. I know what I like and dislike. I know my faults and my merits. I have a pretty good idea of how my friends see me, but I do have a little meltdown every time I realize that they don't always see me the way I think they see me, which throws you into a loop of "what the fuck does that even mean just be yourself but who are you, why am I talking to myself in the second person oh my god" type deal. My therapist and I were working on this when I lost my health insurance, so I've had to do a little work on my own.

One thing I've learned about myself is that I tend to lose myself in my partner, when I have one. It gets to the point where a kindred spirit is no longer kindred, but the same. And then I realize that they were actually just narcissists melding me into who they wanted me to be and I'm so damned malleable that I leaned into it. Hard. So, after the last relationship ended in March of 2021, I decided to swear off dating for the foreseeable future. Not like "Baby just wait till 2023 comes around, I can date again" because I've done that before and it was just as disastrous as letting myself throw caution to the wind at every pretty face I saw. This time I'm just not doing it, or anyone, until I know I'm ready. Since I'm back into my spirituality full swing, I'm hoping my spirit guides will make it clear, if it ever does happen. If it never happens... I've actually come to love myself and to love being alone with myself so, I'm pretty happy with that idea as well.

Speaking of spirituality, there will be a lot of that here. I don't know how in-depth I'll go, I have a separate blog for that, but it's a core part of my life and I'm tired of pretending like it's not and letting the judgment of other's stand in my way. Not everyone comes to their life with a spiritual mindset, and that's okay, I respect that. I do though, and demand that same respect back. This version of Rhiannon gets back 100% of what she gives, no more of that half-assed shit. We full-assing it now.

Anyway, that's all the rambling I think I'll do for now:)

85.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 22

2001. Can you believe that we have only gotten through two fifths of this survey so far? i believe it 2002. What is your opinion of Dave Coulier? i have no idea who that is 2003. If you were to a write a Choose Your Own Adventure book, what would it be about? horror 2004. What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift store? huh? 2005. What do you not have enough money for right now? a new car

2006. Do you believe that Teras for Fears were right when they said, “Everybody wants to rule the world?” eh 2007. What is the design on your beach towel? i don’t have a beach towel 2008. What stirs something deep and animalistic inside you? mean fucking people 2009. Have you ever cross dressed (even as a joke)? no 2010. Do you own anything with a rainbow on it? yes lol my boyfriends mom buys pj pants for everyone on christmas and this year she got me rainbow pants with minions on them....... i’ve NEVER even seen despicable me 2011. What would be the worst object for a child to take on a long car ride with you? a loud handheld game 2012. What’s the Best Beatles song in your opinion? help 2013. Why do you suppose that diary sites are more popular with females than males? idk 2014. What do these color combinations remind you of: orange and pink: ice cream pink and green: fruit green and gold: nature purple and gold: idk gold and red: royalty red and white: america blue and grey: the beach 2015. What is one selfish thing you tend to do? let people buy me stuff 2016. When do you think technology will catch up with the Jetson’s? idk 2017. What made you laugh today? my lab partners 2018. Do you ever stick your entries in any of the diary circles? no. 2019. Can you freestyle rap? i could try but it wouldn’t be that good 2020. Are you: stylish? somewhat shiek? huh? smart? i think so 2021. Do you find you self only buying brand name products? i do not care about name brands 2022. Would you ever want to buy an article of clothing or an accessory because you saw a celebrity wear it? i don’t pay attention to celebrities enough 2023. What song do you feel the sexiest dancing to? buttons by pussycat dolls 2024. Who do you know who looks silly when they dance? my dad 2025. Sweaty sex or clean sex? a lil bit of both honestly 2026. Which is more important to you: being kind or being right? i mean both honestly. 2027. Can you do any special dances like swing, tap, or ballroom? i used to do tap 2028. Are you scared of monsters? nada 2029. Who would you like to remind people of? idc 2030. Do you walk to school or do you bring your lunch? neither???? 2031. Rate your skills from one to ten (10 = you are the best at it): socializing: 5 making friends: 5 working with computers: 5 arts: 7 crafts: 7 dancing: 2 skating: 6 talking other people into things: 8 writing: 9 living life to the fullest each day: 5 cooking: 3 gardening: 2 cleaning up after yourself: 9 playing poker: 1 surviving in the woods: 3 managing your time: 8 attracting the opposite sex (or same sex if you prefer)? 4 2032. Have you ever been to an indian reservation? nope 2033. What is going to happen tomorrow that you can celebrate, even if it’s a little thing? idk 2034. Do you save things for special occasions or is everyday a special occasion? i save things. 2035. What is one thing you are terrible at: saving money 2036. What’s your favorite: rap song: love the way you lie country song: we danced industrial song: idk. cover song: cant help falling in love with you punk song: idk odd song: cotton eye joe 2037. What do you get your teacher or your boss for the holidays? not a thing lol 2038. Do you like to read books by Virgina Wolfe? never read any. 2039. What is your favorite tv show from when you were a kid? spongebob 2040. What is now proved was once only imagined. - William Blake. What do you imagine? the future. 2041. What has been passed down through at least two generations to you? nothing 2042. Do we live in a particularly bad age for romance? i don’t think so 2043. Have you ever cheated on someone? nope Do you believe that once someone is a cheater they can never be trusted? yes 2044. Have you ever gone: christmas caroling? nope pumpkin picking? yeah on a hay wagon ride? yes on a romantic valentine’s day date? yeah to a new year’s eve party? a couple times to a memorial day parade? yeah to the Macy’s thanksgiving day parade? maybe in the past to search for gold coins on st patrick’s day? no. 2045. Have you ever done any modeling? nope 2046. Would you consider yourself to be psychologically damaged? not that i can think of 2047. How aware are you of the reasons behind your actions and words? very aware 2048. What is the sickest you ever drank or drugged yourself? i haven’t had any really bad experiences tbh. it’s always a shitty time when i’ve thrown up from alcohol but i’ve never blacked out. 2049. Would you prefer it if clothing was optional? no lol. 2050. What is one interesting fact about you: i collect shot glasses 2051. Are more people depressed because they are alone, or are more people alone because they are depressed? they’re more depressed bc they’re alone probably but there are way more complicated reasons as to why people are depressed 2052. Have you ever gotten a mug, t-shirt, key chain, etc. that was personalized with your picture? no lol 2053. What was the last thing that you experienced for the first time? i don’t know 2054. If you were going to die tomorrow and you were leaving a postcard for someone to read after you were gone what would it say? i dunno. 2055. If you were about to be executed what would your last request be? tell my family that i love them 2056. What kinds of people do you find intimidating? too many people lol 2057. How much conviction do you have in your feelings and beliefs? quite a bit. 2058. In your house where is the: crazy glue? in the junk drawer flashlight? above the snack cabinet 2059. Out of everyone you know who has the most personality? there’s plenty of people lol 2060. If you could go back in time to experience a musical movement or era, which one would you choose to live through? none 2061. Do you suffocate people with your love? sometimes 2062. Do you feel your life is charmed? no. 2063. What character do you identify the most with from Winnie the Pooh? piglet 2064. When do you do your best thinking? in the shower or on the toilet 2065. What motivates you? food 2066. Look back at all the people you’ve dated. Has there been a pattern? not that i can think of 2067. Things change but what will always remain the same for you? i don’t know 2068. Is divorce something you would ever consider or do you feel that marriage is permanantly binding? i would preferably not get divorced. 2069. What’s the strangest movie you ever saw? the abc’s of death 2070. If you could go into virtual reality and set up your life there to be perfect and it would seem real but not be real would you trade your life now for the virtual life? it’d be cool but no 2071. Does it seem like life is more difficult for you than for anyone else? nope 2072. What are you grateful for? everything i have. 2073. What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? idk. 2074. Have you ever had dental surgery? no. 2075. At what point exactly are you grown up? when you  have bills and you feel like you’re drowning 2076. If there was a weight loss procedure that would destroy your ability to taste food so you wouldn’t be tempted by junk food, would you have it done? absolutely not 2077. What is one thing that happened that you never expected? finding someone i love who actually loves me back 2078. If you called one of your friends and they said “It’s nothing personal but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now,” would you take it personally? nah, i’ve had moments like that too so i can understand 2079. What is your favorite girl’s name? i don’t really have one 2080. Do you ever feel guilty for being more fortunate than others? not really. 2081. If you had to wear a shirt with one word on it for a year, what word would you choose? kok 2082. What is evian spelled backwards? naive 2083. You drop 10 pounds of feathers and a ten pound bowling ball off the top of the same building. Which will hit the ground first? they both weigh the same, sooo both 2084. Even though you may never get what you want, are you happy because you’re trying? yes 2085. If you started a petition what would it be about? idk. 2086. When was the last time you asked someone to do something and they said no? everytime i ask jack to do something he says no but does it anyways 2087. Do bad things happen to you on friday the 13th? not that i know of. 2088. What’s your favorite: Madonna song? - John Lennon song? - Michael Jackson song? billy jean Doors song? - Rolling Stones song? - David Bowie song?- Elvis song? cant help falling in love with you 2089. If you had started a relationship with someone and they said that it would be best if no one knew about it just to see how it goes, would you be offended? it depends ig but id feel like they just wanted to hide me 2090. Do you know any self defense? not really How about CPR? i know the concept of it but ive never really practiced or anything 2091. If you had to look into a mirror and see your naked soul stripped of all delusions and pretenses (Never ending Story style)could you handle it? maybe 2092. Are you a genius? no. 2093. How did you find out that Santa Clause wasn’t real? i got a letter from ‘him’ and the handwriting was the same as my dads 2094. Which is your favorite tarot card? i dont do that shit 2095. Does the internet separate people or connect them? both. 2096. Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? my brother and my sister and some of my friends when they were all in the military 2097. Does pain and fear make you feel alive? to a a certain degree 2098. Are you: good looking? yeah thin? no. happy? yes successful? not yet confident? for the most part 2099. Are you decisive or wishy washy? in between. 2100. Do you feel pop stars should be morally responsible to set a good example for their fans? it’s nice but they shouldn’t be obliged to.