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abbyfmc · 26 days

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Yandere Empress! x Emperor! Reader Headcanons:

Hello everyone, I hope you are doing well in the midst of all this unusual heat (especially those of you who are in tropical areas and countries, like me).

There is a whole section on Tumblr and other pages regarding yandere kings and emperors, and although there are things about yandere queens and empresses, I don't see that they are usually given so much prominence, so that's what I'm here to try today.

Topics to be covered: Gender roles, murder, manipulation, obsessive behaviors and everything that entails. Maybe a little masochism.

Most likely, first of all, the old gender roles are VERY marked and prominent, but that is no excuse for an empress not to be a yandere. On the contrary, she will discreetly open the doors to many possibilities.

Most likely, you met in childhood or when you were a prince. You didn't even choose her, but they chose her for you.

Maybe she didn't like you at first either, because she was forced to marry with you.

Whatever the case, she will have slowly developed obsessive feelings for you.

He will always address you with respect and affection.

If you loved her from the beginning, she will be very happy and everything will be fine.

She will clearly gladly help you govern. She would control the court and internal palaces, while you would only be in charge of political and state affairs.

And speaking of the internal court, there would probably be the imperial harem where the concubines, consorts, noble consorts, noble ladies and the first and second class assistants would be; while she is the main wife. All of them would be obliged to obey the yandere empress and would address her as "your/her highness".

Perhaps at first she does not attack the concubines or their children, and may even get along with them or at least be neutral towards them; But if she sees that they are trying to get closer to you to escalate power, overtake her or try to get your attention more than she considers safe, then she will start to act.

If she gets pregnant, she will be really very happy because she feels like she will finally have a little piece of you.

If the baby is a boy: He will internally want and beg you to make him the crown prince. She will treat him very well, with a lot of love, discipline and responsibility. *If the baby is a girl: He will take care of her with love, the same discipline and fill her with gifts and talents.

In any case, she would be a loving and responsible mother to your children.

If for some reason you prefer any other woman in the harem and her said son over the yandere empress herself and your legitimate son, then that will make her feel pressured and she will begin to act against that woman.

She will be able to pressure her children to stand out (especially if it is a prince); she would make the harem women attack each other; or, she would engineer situations in which she would cause tragedies to the consorts and concubines such as: "spontaneous" abortions, murders of women and princes, poisonings, "light" punishments, etc.; and she would do them in such a way that she would indirectly manipulate others into committing the crimes for her, and so she would never be guilty of the murders of her rivals and her son's rivals.

Maybe and just maybe she could have been a victim of palace intrigue, so she would discreetly kill people to not only have your love, but also to defend herself.

She will pretend to you that she cares about the problems of consorts and concubines.

She will appreciate ALL the gifts you give her.

She will punish all the servants who she considers do not treat you well, do not do their job well, or who simply discover their crimes for your love.

She loves when you visit her, but hates when you visit other concubines. She loves when you hug, praise and kiss her but HATES it when you do the same with others.

Does she see that a servant is VERY close to you and wants to seduce you? She will punish her with beatings to death; burning her alive or with more than thirty or forty lashes on that servant and her family.

If you notice her obsessive and strange attitudes towards you and become suspicious of her, she will feel paranoid.

If your mother, the Empress Dowager, is still alive, the Yandere Empress will take good care of her so don't worry.

When you get sick, she will take care of you personally.

If you die, even if she is the empress dowager, she will be extremely sad.

She will make beautiful birthday gifts with a lot of love just for you.

She will do ANYTHING for and for you, such as singing, dancing, accompanying you on trips, sewing clothes for you, eating with you, taking walks, etc…

If you discover her crimes and punish her, she will accept it. She will accept house arrest, kneeling for hours, slaps and even whipping; but the ONLY thing that would make her lose her sanity would be for you to demote and depose her, taking away her imperial position to put another consort of hers in her place. She would see it as a betrayal and it would drive her crazy.

-Fin.

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elkian · 3 months

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Something I noted while reading the manga that's still really interesting to me is how there's no Objectively Completely Good (or Evil) character in Dungeon Meshi. I think it interacts with Kui's really believable character dynamics, too.

Under the cut for major spoilers:

From Laios' party, we have no purely Good person. Laios is often the punchline/stooge/what have you, but he has his positive traits. The party trusts and follows him despite his foibles. Chilchuck is so resistant/bad at emotional communication that he tries to sabotage his own team (to protect them) and ended up divorced without knowing how, and almost dies because he was too embarrassed to admit this. Marcille is a mix of proud and brilliant that causes as many problems as it solves, including the whole Committing An International Felony thing and that's the START of it in some ways. Senshi's willingness to stick to his guns makes him inflexible towards his teammates in ways that can cause issues, like the Mandrake situation or driving Chilchuck to berserk rage in the trap room.

(Sidenote, I've realized Kabru and Laios are foils not just over the monster thing - an unquenchable passion that drives each in their own way - but because of their team leadership styles. Kabru is very personable, but as mentioned in my prev post linked above, Laios is knowledgeable about team synergy and skills. Also considering his interaction in Marcille's nightmare, Laios tries to take his team's emotions seriously, he just isn't always the best at it because he's assuming from himself as a baseline, and that's just not accurate to most non-Falin and non-Senshi interactions. (And even some of those.)

My point is that while charisma is the basis of Kabru's MO, Laios isn't incapable of caring about his team and understanding them, it's not not as obvious because he goes about it in a different way.)

It's been noted before, but both Thistle and the Winged Lion aren't totally evil. Not only are they sympathetic, but they have virtues in their own ways.

Thistle's greatest crime was loving his family too much, and it is a tragedy of literally epic proportions, kicking off the entire series. His methodology is suspect and involving the WL was doomed from the outset, but his intentions were legitimately good. The kingdom's citizens even begin sort of forgiving him or at least trying to accept him at the end of the series, which is really touching. There's a lot of debate over the concept of redemption arcs, and to be frank, I don't think it's possible to redeem Thistle's actions at this point, but that doesn't mean he's narratively required to die in isolation. If anything, that would contradict the communal elements repeated in the narrative. It's the citizens' choice to forgive him, not a requirement. It's not exactly a surprise as the series was closing on a happy ending for all involved (aside from WL ig) at that point, but it's still nice, and it wasn't a lock.

The Winged Lion may never have had the capacity to be Objectively Good, as an eldritch being with no basis in humanity or the physical world initially, but the manga takes the time to show the WL bemoaning the loss of followers, the loss of potential "flavors". Although the WL has immense power, that power is -not unlike the Genie in Disney's Aladdin now that I think of it lol- bent to the whims of creatures that WL simply doesn't and will never have the capacity to truly understand. WL also doesn't seem able to interact with the physical world on most levels until the ending, requiring a snowballing of power and the reaving of reality itself before the Winged Lion can really affect the "world", and arguably it can't be the purely physical world at that point in order to be interacted with. The Winged Lion is antagonist and overlord, yes, but also a victim in a sense. Like Thistle, redemption is impossible. Unlike Thistle, forgiveness and cohabitation is also impossible. It's not the WL's fault. I kind of think of the WL as like a bear or other wildlife that has developed such a taste for human food, garbage, etc. that they will keep breaking into houses and dumpsters no matter what. There's no infrastructure available to rehabilitate the WL, to return the Winged Lion to the eldritch plane it once inhabited. Only the WL could choose to do so, I think, and notably doesn't. Still, I can pity the Winged Lion like one does the bear that gets shot for breaking into dumpsters and biting humans in the process.

Anyways, many more examples abound, but it's a fascinating element to an already complex and fascinating story.

#elk text #dungeon meshi #END OF SERIES SPOILERS

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inu-yasha · 4 days

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This panel with yashahime that I commented on yesterday.

kagome humiliated him just like that with a smile on her face. She doesn't treat him as the person he is, but as a dog who is subordinate to her and will punish him whenever she wants. There were moments when Higurashi took advantage of his dog nature and showed that he wasn't her equal. yashahime just continues what was in the original. Higurashi will never treat him as an equal, she will always make him feel that she has power over him and keeps him on a leash.

He will never give her the same affection as Kikyou, which shows because she has to beg him for attention and romantic moment. He would never love her like he loved Kikyou.

it's just really sad that inuyasha has to live in this marriage and live with this person. It's sad what she does with him. He really didn't deserve it. She has more respect for Sesshomaru than she does for her husband, it's absurd.

Inuyasha has a dog nature. It's normal that he's a half-dog demon, but that doesn't mean he should be humiliated. He is a person and is entitled to respect which he doesn't receive.

He respects people, respects his friends, cares for them and ensures their comfort, supports them when they need it, which cannot be said about them. Always feeling guilty and complaining about how he is the 'worst' because he should favor Kagome and leave Kikyou alone because it hurts this toxic woman. They never gave him any support, ever. Always on Kagome's side, as if she was some 'goddess' who cannot be harmed and Inuyasha only has to look at her. Zero understanding for his situation where I would have expected some empathy from Sango since her situation was similar to InuKik's. Kaede was just like them. She pushed him into the hands of his tormentor.

I can't call this higurashi worship circle 'friends of inuyasha' because they never were and aren't his friends and never will be.

Kagome always hid her toxic behavior under a gloss of 'kindness and support', she hated Kikyou more than anything in the world and wanted her to disappear until the very end. Always making herself a victim when InuKik had his moment, excessive use of 'sit', treating him unequally and occasionally showing that he is a dog. Rumiko literally made Higurashi the belly button of this series. She even focused Inuyasha's pain over the loss of Kikyou on Kagome. Kagome, who throughout the series considered her an enemy and rival, never grew out of this hatred and hates the very fact that Inuyasha loves her and loves her more than ever. She played with guys' feelings to get Inuyasha to pay attention to her. She hates the fact that he is the reincarnation of Kikyou. In her marriage, she is still jealous of Kikyou, even though her wish came true. She abuses her power over him and didn't take off his beads and uses them whenever she wants for fun, jealousy of Kikyou and more. She doesn't have to have a reason to use it, she uses it with joy on her face, making him understand that she has power over him and will always be over him, thus begging him for attention and love. Kagome never really helped with his pain, on the contrary, she added more to it. She was the one who was hurt here, so he should move on with her feelings, putting aside his own tragedy, he should deal with the shallow feelings of a teenager who never matured into the role of a wife and mother.

Inuyasha has no help from anywhere nor does he understand that what is happening is wrong. He is stuck in a relationship with an abusive person and his abuser. She has the soul of Kikyou in her. If he can have Kikyou like this then fine by him.

It's true that higurashi is a torturer and inuyasha is its victim.

This is just sad. Inuyasha didn't deserve such 'friends', a wife, he just didn't. He deserved much better. It's really sad.

#inuyasha #inu yasha #anti kagome higurashi #anti kagome #anti inukag #anti inuyasha x kagome

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beardedmrbean · 2 years

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An Alabama high school student who died and four others who were hospitalized were likely exposed to something laced with fentanyl.

Police were called to Selma High School Tuesday after multiple students began showing signs of a health issue, with one 16-year-old male sophomore student ultimately dying and four others taken to a local hospital, according to the Associated Press.

Authorities began to suspect the death and hospitalizations were due to a painkiller that may have been laced with fentanyl, though Dallas County District Attorney Michael Jackson said that investigators are waiting on an autopsy and toxicology report before making a final determination.

TWO MEN BUSTED FOR ATTEMPTING TO SELL FENTANYL TO VETS IN BOSTON VA SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROGRAMS

"It doesn’t take much to kill you," Jackson said.

The four hospitalized students are expected to recover.

School Superintendent Zickeyous Byrd did not penalize students who missed classes Wednesday as a result of the tragedy, saying that "an event of this magnitude" did not just impact one family, but "affects us all."

ARIZONA DETECTIVES SEIZE RAINBOW FENTANYL, FIREARMS, OTHER DRUGS DURING MAJOR BUST

Mayor James Perkins Jr. warned against jumping to conclusions in the case, saying that the 16-year-old victim, who has yet to be identified, was very close to him.

"Because the deceased is a juvenile, I will not mention him by name. Just know that his death is very close to me," Perkins said in a statement. "I considered him a son."

Fentanyl has become the drive of the U.S. opioid crisis, with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimating around 75% of all drug overdose deaths the last few years were linked to fentanyl. Overall, more than 100,000 people in the U.S. died of drug overdose in 2021, the first time the country crossed into six figures.

#nunyas news

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daisiesonafield-blog · 2 years

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Although that would now seem rapturous in comparison to what Styles might be receiving for his follow-up, a polite and anonymous melodrama that should provide the confirmation many were looking for. Just weeks after his misfiring comments surrounding gay sex were being rightfully critiqued, it appears that his performance will also be, a turn just as tepid as his soundbites. The film, based on the novel by Bethan Roberts, isn’t exactly a washout but it’s not exactly much of anything, a disappointingly drab and stridently straightforward love triangle saga overstuffed with furtive glances and maudlin moping while underpowered by a blank lead performance. If the wheels were coming off pre-festivals, consider the train completely crashed now.

Styles might look like the handsome movie star he’s being aggressively pushed as with his sleek matinee idol hair always in place but he’s all construct and no conviction, a performer as unsure of his ability as we are. There’s a crucial dissonance between the confidence he exudes on stage and the awkwardness we see on screen, a star fizzling out right before our very eyes, as uncomfortable for us as it appears to be for him. There’s too much of a visible process to his acting, the joins of what he’s doing, or trying to, always on display, with a messy, uneven accent requiring an added level of thinking to his every line of dialogue, making the character’s many instinctive moments feel sluggish and stilted. Words are over-pronounced with a sort of stage school affect that clashes with what’s supposed to be an earthy, beer-drinking vision of hyper-masculinity.

Defenders might argue that Styles’s second guessing is in fact perfect for a character trying to hide his sexuality but that would be an overly generous reading for even in his most intimate and private sexual moments, he remains overly, distractingly hesitant. Navigating the world as a queer person, especially in a time when it was still punishable by law, requires too much complexity for someone still testing out his sea legs, it’s essentially two roles at a time when he struggles to play one. He’s drowning in the deep end and it sinks the movie around him.

Not that an actor of more skill and experience could do that much more with something that’s painted in such boringly broad strokes. The characters are based less on real people and more on romantic drama types, lacking in idiosyncrasies and texture, familiar more to people who have watched others be in relationships on film than people who have actually been in them themselves. The queerness does little to differentiate the triangle from so many others we’ve already seen and what’s frustrating for those with even a cursory knowledge of gay cinema is that so many films before it have carefully navigated similarly tricky territory with ease and insight, from Basil Dearden’s Victim and William Wyler’s adaptation of The Children’s Hour both in 1961, James Ivory’s Maurice in 1987 and, more recently, Terence Davies’s devastating Benediction. The stinging tragedy of being gay at the wrong time in history is something that will always prove ripe for emotive, painful drama but director Michael Grandage struggles to pull our heart-strings, an easy target easily missed.

His direction insists that we find meaning or emotional resonance in the small details of the everyday but Philadelphia screenwriter Ron Nyswaner’s perfunctory script rarely gives us enough reason to. It’s a prestige shell for a film that mostly plays like a stodgy soap opera, a misguided hope that we might be suckered into thinking that this is all of more substance if it’s presented in more elegant packaging. Corrin and Dawson are easily more effective than Styles but still a little too mannered to pierce through and so it’s up to the elder iterations to do the heavy lifting and while Everett is stuck in a thankless role that essentially just requires him to dribble and wail, in small, all-too-fleeting bursts, McKee and Roache manage to make us believe in a difficult dynamic against considerable odds. Exploring the festering consequences of a marriage built on this specific kind of lie is far more dramatically interesting than the blandness of what comes before and a better film might have tipped the balance in their favour. Their scenes arrest but the rest of the film is nowhere near as charged as it should be.

The Guardian review by Benjamin Lee - Not full review, read here.

#my policeman reviews #the guardian #banjamin lee #long post #this is the best review so far tho unfortunately it is a negative one #by best I mean best written - an actual film review #not an opportunity to diss harry or attack him for the ongoing tabloid drama #or perceived heterosexuality and queerbaiting allegations

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rotationalsymmetry · 2 years

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I’m thinking about a thing from the Vagina Monologues — not the “equating womanhood with specific private parts” thing, although I do want to nod to that as an issue — and I’m worried I won’t have the words to express it right and it’ll come across as something else.

I think I’ve had two Vagina Monologues experiences, one was not a polished thing and was just “let’s go around in a circle reading these parts”, and one was much bigger deal, on a stage with an audience. That second one was put on by college students and I attended the production but was not a student at the college at the time.

I thought there was a very jarring tone shift between the stories about people whose social locations were presumably closer to the writer and the performers, and two other ones, “My Vagina Was My Village” and one other, don’t remember. I do kinda think the Monologues would have been better without that. And I am worried that that will come across as meaning something I don’t.

I don’t mean that I think it’s inappropriate to address severe trauma in this sort of thing. I didn’t have this reaction to a play about a highly traumatizing kidnapping I watched a little while ago, or to a performer talking about the time she was sexually assaulted and the aftermath of that (that was just very well done), or to Allegiance, the musical about the Japanese internment camps. But I think the last one points at the difference: the way people talk about trauma to people they see as like them is different from the way people talk about trauma yo people they see as unlike them. When people dramatize their own trauma, they go out of their way to fully humanize the characters, to show them as having interesting stories before the trauma and as being resilient during and after, even when there’s also profound misery. When people dramatize the trauma of the other, often they only depict trauma, the characters become a way to personify trauma itself, and nothing else. Which is as objectifying as, for instance, writing a character who personifies sex appeal and has nothing else to her character, or a male writer having a female character die with the focus being on how that affects a male character’s arc.

I also don’t mean that privileged first-worlders shouldn’t think about the rest of the world, or that people can’t write about the suffering of people unlike them. Just that if it’s not done carefully, writing about other people’s trauma can be objectifying and even exploitative, and for people interested in this sort of story it’s worth considering who is doing the writing, the producing, the performing, and are the people who pay money for this sort of thing more inclined to accept it through a nice white/American/etc person’s lens than from someone who is talking about their own people?

There is also, I think, narrowing one’s focus is not bad, when it means you’re covering fewer things better. A character who is white and privileged talking about feeling disconnected from her own private parts and her own sexuality is not actually less worthy of focus or less powerful than talking about something that would be objectively worse to live through, but which you also don’t give enough time and centrality to show as a story that allows for healing and recovery or at least hope, or perhaps as a tragedy where people see the positive thing that was lost, and not just suffering piled upon suffering. Nobody wants to see themselves depicted at the worst moments of their lives. People like to see themselves as strong, creative, connecting, happy, proud. Not as weak, devastated, humiliated, and in pain — when they want to share their pain, they want to share it on their own terms, with them as the hero of their own story, not as a victim. People remember that when telling their own story or that of someone like them.

I used to have a printed out photo on my wall to remind me of the way immigrants are treated in this country. It was a photo of a young child on the other side of a chain link fence, in a detainment camp. But after a while it occurred to me the way I was viscerally disgusted by the image was not necessarily conducive either to motivation to action or to compassionate witnessing. And that kid is going to grow up some day, and what’s he going to think of people looking at that photo? I swapped it out for an artist’s rendition of a different scene, one that still implied the unnecessary and unjust suffering of immigrants to the US but with dignity and with respecting the personhood of the people depicted. One that was something I imagine I’d still want to see if that was family or a good friend, you know? When I remember my friend who died of cancer, I don’t look at a picture of them sick in a hospital bed. I look at a picture of them as they lived. That is how you show respect for a person.

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septembersghost · 2 years

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u really bouta make me rewatch bates motel omg. i .. i have a confession, i never finished the last season after the thing happened. i was just so sad and took a break that ended up taking a long time but now i think im strong enough lol

you should do it!!!

full disclosure, i finished S4 in march (i distinctly remember feeling like it should've been december, because 4x10 is the saddest christmas episode of anything you could ever watch in your life), and i still have three episodes left in S5. this is partially because i've been dragging it out intentionally as i haven't been ready to say goodbye to it, and partially because after speeding through S1-4 in like six weeks, getting to that loss - even knowing it was coming all along - hit me quite heavily and i needed to sit with it for a while rather than quickly wrapping the story up. (i CANNOT hear "mr. sandman" without tears springing to my eyes. bring me a dream...)

vera was ROBBED in never getting an emmy for her performance (freddie too, imo, not to mention the episodes he wrote!), i honestly consider her to have given one of the most affecting and multilayered performances of a female character. it would be so easy to only make norma a victim, or a villain even, and she is never reduced to that, she's so fully formed and felt and wonderful (even when she's awful. she's allowed).

there's a post i have that had the best description from a review: “I'll always remember Norma Bates at her most indefatigable. Despite her perpetual suspicion that the world was out to stick it to her and her family, Norma could rise to a challenge like few others. Remember when she first moved in to that big drafty old house? She didn’t see the cracks and the peeling paint; she saw opportunity. Norma was like that, always seeing chances where others might presume dead ends. And if she decided you were on her side, she was fiercely loyal. She didn’t let many people in, but when she did, she was all in. For all her flaws, she was a hell of a woman. Still, we come here not to bury Norma Bates, but to praise her. Because what this season of Bates Motel has shown us is that Norma was never just a victim of her own impulsive and stubborn neuroses. She was a victim of circumstance; freed from the claustrophobic air of her codependent relationship with her son, Norma blossomed. She found love and a measure of contentment, however fleeting. Even when she was denying to everyone, including herself, just how dangerous Norman was, she managed to rise above her traumas and insecurities, and build a marriage with a good man. It was a revelation watching Vera Farmiga this year. Who knew she’d been concealing a gentle and understated romantic beneath those layers of Norma Bates’ high-camp hijinks all this time? Farmiga was always very, very good: This season, she was superlative.”

part of norma's tragedy, of course, is she and norman would never be able to escape that codependency, they are bound together inextricably, and she would always choose him over everyone, and he would always want to keep her, and they would never be able to protect each other, and it would always be like fire and powder.

that said, the show doesn't take that lightly - norma's absence is felt everywhere, by everyone, it emotionally drives the season - and i don't know if you've ever seen psycho, but the way the writers took that and reimagined it is masterful. i screamed at the way the actual marion crane plot played out. also, mother is an incredible, terrifying character - all the warmth that norma had, the life in her, her love and her bravery, her fury and her compassion, is gone. if norma was the sun, mother is icy winter, shrewd and calculating, her anger a different dagger than norma's ever could have been, and even when there's some measure of anything resembling affection from her, it's wrong. it's worth watching just to see vera in that performance. freddie was also amazing and got to do so much to flesh norman out and to speak to his mental state as it unravels, as he becomes more aware of the horror around him but struggles with knowing how to stop it.

i think S4 is a perfect, though heartbreaking, season of television, and S5 directly draws from that. though i haven't seen it yet, i do know how it ends and it's fitting, and i know i will cry.

they did something that on paper sounds like an awful idea - who asked for a prequel/reimagining of a classic film, right? - and found such a cool way to tell it, to make those characters breathe, to handle it with some humor (camp, even, at times) and with gravity (especially in regards to the perspective it has on the impact of such relentless trauma that both norma and norman endure). i'm rambling, but the way they found real depths of humanity and such a beating heart in it, in its characters, in not turning a blind eye to the terrible things they do and yet never judging them for it, but digging in closer to find some understanding for them, in illuminating all different kinds of love in their power and terror and agony and beauty, in love's destruction and renewal, makes the show really affecting to me.

#it's a tough show and definitely one i'd include many trigger warnings for before i'd recommend it #but if you've seen through S4 you already know the hard parts #i love when people talk to me about it because the fandom doesn't really exist anymore! i will wax on about it ANY time #anonymous #letterbox #bates motel #norma bates #vera farmiga #freddie highmore #also nestor and max and olivia were all also so good imo

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butchtoro · 1 year

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Hi I just want to say you're completely valid in feeling uncomfortable with Gee potentially dressing as a 9/11 victim but I have some thoughts of a different perspective if you'd want them :-) I've considered the theory and in my mind it's less them dressing as a literal victim, but a representation. A representation of the people who lived their droning corporate lives only for them to be cut short by a tragedy, something that not only changed the future of their relatives and America, but Gerard's future as well. I see it a representation of the people that indirectly got Gee to the place he is at now, through sorrow and suffering (the band has never been one to sugarcoat suffering) and I feel like that is in line with other stuff they've been doing on tour. For the record, I'm not American so I don't have nearly as strong a connection to 9/11 as other people and the band, so disregard my opinion if you'd like. I just think you've opened up an interesting conversation and I wanted to chime in :-)

hello !!! thank you for your perspective, i really appreciate it ^^ you do bring it in a much a different light than ive been receiving, n it's one that i can get behind a little more than others ive seen around. i think what made me the most uncomfortable is just the detail/prediction that they were going to come on stage all injured and torn up from the plane crash, which i feel is a little much if that makes sense? it very well could happen, so who knows, but i guess that's mainly what got me. and no worries, im not super affected by or attached to what happened either tbf (im actually Highly Critical of how the whole thing is treated education-wise but that's a whole can of worms you didn't ask for NDNDND), i guess the specific detail of them being covered in blood made me unsure about it. thank you for your explanation, again, i really appreciate it :] !!!!

#also if anyone seeing this likes that specific detail or thought of that specific detail it's truly nothing against you #i also miss blood covered gerard #which is why i think gerard way should dress as carrie white on prom night and get a bucket of stage blood pour- [tranquilizer shot]#i dont publicly disagree with things often so i hope i went around it politely n kindly enough 💃💃💃💃#answered

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snail-eggs · 1 year

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Boss Intro: Van

as a little treat, here's Van - who isn't really a boss (yet)

Vanessa "Van" Rosario

dob: 08/20/96

cuban/dominican

Personality: Vanessa can be best described as off-putting. Maybe even a little odd. She seems to be in a world/reality of her own at times and does not consider that others may be operating on a different wavelength. She navigates situations, both social and not, with a relaxed ease, always in tune with her environment despite her detachment. Vanessa believes in the conspiracy theory that life is a simulation and thus does whatever makes her happy/whatever she wants. Despite this, she is effective at handling dangerous situations and can take things seriously. Things may not matter but they have consequences and she understands this. People often regard her as friendly but "off".

Bio:

Life Before the Saints:

Vanessa's home life and upbringing do not differ much from Xixi's. Born and raised in Stilwater with the same parents and living under the same roof, they experienced the same things. However, Vanessa was too young to remember any of them and because of her age, she does not remember her cousin Louis very well. In her mind he is the victim of a tragedy - barely even her cousin anymore.

Uniquely compared to the other two bosses, Vanessa did not live much of a life before the Saints began to affect it. During the summer of '06, Xixi, joined the Saints. Her eldest cousin, Frank, had already been with them 9 years prior.

She did not know the details or that her sister and cousin were in a gang. Not until the boat incident where Xixi ends up comatose and Frank goes on the run. Only then did she really have a notion of what her sister did and it changed her perception of both her and Frank forever. The people she looked up to were criminals and it was too much for a 10-year-old's mind to process.

After the Accident/Adolescence:

During the years after her sister's death, Van had a hard time adjusting. She was torn between missing her sister and resenting her for doing things that got her killed. It was also not easy for her to now live in her presumed dead sister's room and be expected to wear her clothes as hand-me-downs. This helped Van create her own style and identity outside of Xixi since, as a 10-year-old, she wanted nothing more than to be a clone of her older sister.

About two years into this strange post-Xixi limbo, her parents divorced. While figuring out custody arrangements, Vanessa opted to stay with her grandmother as Xixi had done many years prior for different reasons. Once all was settled, though, she decided to live with her dad.

Saints that had been close with Xixi had checked in on Van during this time - namely Johnny and Troy. They still kept her in the dark about many things concerning her sister but Johnny opened up the most and it gave her a lot of perspective on why Xixi did the things she did. Van didn't exactly stop resenting her but it helped her along the grieving process.

Troy, however, checked in on her from a distance and she only ever really knew him as a cop. She always assumed the relationship he had with her sister was that of an officer and nothing more. Van doesn't find out he was a Saint (and undercover) until later.

Around this time, Vanessa begins to believe the theory that life is a simulation though it does not become a delusion that impacts her. It merely becomes a fact of life and she decides to live her life in a way that makes her happy.

Spring of 2012:

During the spring of 2012, Xixi wakes up from her coma and Vanessa is faced with the new reality that her dead sister is, in fact, alive. It skews her perception of things and it takes her time to adjust.

She does not make an attempt to rebuild her relationship with Xixi for a while. She needs time to process and Xixi allows her that. Though when she does come around do her, Vanessa shows interest in being part of the Saints. At first, Xixi and Johnny both vehemently object to this. Van is 15-years-old at the time and they won't let her even try.

Still, Vanessa becomes a helping hand as Xixi and Johnny rebuild. Once Frank comes back, she once again tries to sneak her way in but is denied on basis of her age. This doesn't stop her from getting her foot in the door other ways and eventually deciding to just act as a Saint until they canonize her.

Two weeks after her 16th birthday, in September 2012, Vanessa gets canonized as a Saint.

#oc: van rosario #boss posting #saints row #surprise!! secret boss is not a secret anymore!#as i was writing out her personality i noticed she more than likely is on the spectrum. didn't realize that before though

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spe--vedit-ad--astra · 1 year

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Tw: school shootings

There isn't much of a point to this post. I just have thoughts and so I'm writing them down.

I was listening to someone talk, and she said (paraphrasing) "it was considered lucky, as you went through school, that you hadn't been in a school shooting yet... it shoudn't be luck".

And I initially was like, yeah, I feel the same way - I made it through 20 years of being a student without being a witness to a shooting - but then it hit me;

not so much like remembering, because I hadn't forgotten, but more just accessing a memory I don't have cause to pull out very often.

Because there was a shooting at my college, in a building I reguarly walked past and occasionally had a class in. It wasn't a mass shooting, and wasn't a prolonged lockdown - one victim, and the shooter was taken in to custody within an hour or so. But it did happen.

And it is WILD to realize, that isn't notable. That doens't feel traumatic. That doesn't make me feel like I have any special viewpoint or insight or claim to speak about the "debate" of school shootings. Because I didn't see it. I didn't hear it. I wasn't hiding in a classroom fearing for my life.

And I'm not trying to act the victim, or ask for sympathy. While it was a scary experience, to hear there was an active shooter a few blocks away from my apartment, to not know what was happening, to get an actual shelter in place warning instead of a drill; when things were settled, I can say (with guilt) it didn't actually affect me very much, and I could be horrifically glad that it wasn't worse.

Because I was a student in America. So it wasn't surprising. It wasn't shocking.

Someone died on my school campus, and my emotional reaction feels similar to if student had died after being in a high speed car crash: a terrible tragedy, that you would never want to happen, and wouldn't wish on anyone, and you feel terribly sad about - but something that you somewhat unconsiously accept as a risk that comes with the everyday. Someone was shot on my campus and I still, if asked, would put myself in the group of "average ex-student without notable trauma", the "lucky" group.

I hate this is how my country is. Students should be safe. Teachers should be safe. We can't just accept that this is the way things are. I am the generation who lived through a lifetime of active shooter drills. The generation that feels grateful or lucky to not have been part of a real active shooter situation. The generation that is morbidly grateful in the wake of shootings that were "only" one person. It feels baffling that this is still a problem. That it's still a debate.

Like I said. This doesn't really have a point. I know I'm in my echo chamber. This isn't to change anyone's mind. It's just me processing feelings

#i wrote a thing #life

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saphirered · 3 years

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Percy and Bad first times? I love these asks thank you!

I do not know why it took me approximately an eternity to write this but I finished it. I hope it will have been worth the wait. 😘

(Percy)

The moment Percy walked into your life you thought he was very much the egotistical rich kid. First impressions weren’t great as he concluded that wether or not you came from money or status, you rebelled against the social norms of high society. You two were polar opposites and anyone who said opposites attract; you were the proof against that claim for the longest time.

At the realisation you wouldn’t be leaving any time soon Percy tried to school you in manners for his sake correcting your behaviour and even words like you were some insolent child. You did not take this well and the argument that followed, unavoidable. Many things were said, some neither of you are proud of and you didn’t speak for days unless it were some snide remarks.

Then it came to a job to interact with high society people and you got to show Percy how wrong he was as you properly addressed the people, held your posture correctly and picked every word eloquently. Taken aback by your complete 180 in behaviour a conversation was in order. You got the pleasure telling Percy his ‘lessons’ had nothing to do with this and unlike some people you’d rather not be a pompous ass with a superiority complex like some people.

This lead Percy to dive into some research trying to find your name and family name, tapping into all resources at his disposal to figure you out telling himself you might be a threat if you were hiding things. He was not prepared to find out what happened with your family and faced you with the fact he found your past. The first one on one you had was Percy quite literally cornering you so you couldn’t avoid him. Admittedly not his proudest moment. You needed to talk so talk you did.

Telling Percy your story and trusting him with it might have been the first time you’ve told anyone since you left your home. In turn to set the record straight he told you what had happened with his own family. You came to the conclusion you’re not so different after all. A mutual understanding and trust formed between the two of you, though your arguments did not end with you disagreed on a matter. Rarely did you give the other the silent treatment and instead came to an agree-to-disagree conclusion if compromise was not an option. In time, they’d cease to be arguments all together and simply turn into conversations.

At this point you might even have considered yourselves friends. You found yourselves spending more time together. Percy was raised the so-mani-eth child extremely unlikely to be the heir of his family but with the tragedy that befell them, only he and his sister remained. You were raised to continue your family’s legacy but had lost everything. When Whitestone was returned to the surviving De Rolo’s you promised to give aide in any way you could.

Vox Machina, taken in a different direction you stayed behind with Cassandra. You took no titles or lands no matter how many times, Cassandra and the council offered them. In his time away from you and his home he came to realise he’d begun missing your company, the conversations and having to be the smart and semi-responsible one of the group. Not only that, you’ve been a rock in the current that’s his chaos and with you away he feels he’s more likely to fall to the temptations placed in front of him. Proof of that; the trip to the city of Dis.

When this realisation hits Percy he’ll take any opportunity to spend more time with you. He doesn’t inject himself into your daily life but any time there’s a reason for him to be present he’ll take it. Him coming clean about the contract and handing it to you for safekeeping trusting you that no matter the circumstance you’ll never give it to him, you absolutely go apeshit on him. How could he be so damn stupid. A deal with a devil? Really?! All the what ifs… It made you realise your anger and disappointment came from a place of affection.

You made Percy promise he’d tell you when he’s thinking of doing something stupid he’ll tell you before doing the thing. Before he leaves for another adventure or comes back from one you’ll go on a walk, have dinner or just relax somewhere. Sometimes you’ll talk, sometimes sit in silence, whatever you feel like in that moment. You’d begun holding hands, hugging or a kiss to the cheek before departure or upon return, tiny displays of affection.

You were informed Percy had died, but as Grog told you, he got better. Reasonably so you freaked out but you were also aware of the risk of the adventurer lifestyle, more accurately the lifestyle of someone with enemies like Percy. That didn’t mean you didn’t feel like your heart just shattered in that moment. You cared for Percy until he recovered. It’s the first time you truly saw Percy weak, not of mind wavering to a pact with an entity or the likes, but mentally done.

Percy first realised he might hold more than affections for you when you promised him that you’d always have one more thing for him to do. No matter how messed up the world looked, there’d always be a place for him with you. He’s not stupid enough to think this doesn’t come out of a deep affection of your own but he can’t be too sure it’s love either. It’s obvious you care for him, and maybe you do love him but are you in love with him? He’s not sure. Is he in love with you? He’s unsure. He knows he cares about you immensely and loves you just as much and that’s enough for him.

Percy is a man of impulse. This comes in especially handy when someone lacks courage to do something. He doesn’t approach you for your first ‘official’ date. It was just like any other outing you’d gone on or time you spent together except for the fact Percy asked you out, letting slip it was a date. If just asking you this was already so difficult he definitely would need a bottle of courage or two admitting his feelings out loud.

You’re clever enough and know how to read people enough that you weren’t oblivious to Percy’s recent changes in behaviour towards you. You were also clever enough to place them and, when courage fails you’re not one to beat around the bush. You called him out and half fearing you’d turn him down, he was proven the opposite when you pulled him in by the ascot and kissed him. Surprising but not unwanted.

Seeing no need in defining your relationship for others, you also didn’t ease the others into this development. Watching you kiss Percy passionately before he was off on another adventure leaving everyone around very surprised. So surprised they missed the mark on Keyleth’s transport via plants. Bombarded with questions about when or how this happened Percy didn’t want to indulge them with answers and instead spent more time with you.

Of course you had shared sleeping spaces before. You weren’t strangers to sharing a bed but you can comfortably say, it became much more comfortable after you first shared your bed together as lovers in the afterglow, waking up like a sweaty mess. Sharing baths after became the norm to freshen up and relax. The perfect excuse to spend more time together and have everyone else gagging after the look you’d share when asked why you missed breakfast… and lunch…

It took a long while before you first found yourselves able to exchange I love you’s but when danger came knocking at your door and you were thrown back into the fight for Tal’Dorei with Vox Machina’s allies it was now or never. Seeing things go south you got the pleasure of teaming up with a brass dragon to kick some undead ass.

“Before we both do something incredibly stupid I want you to know I love you.” Simple and efficient and to the point.

“I am tempted to hold these words for myself until after we’ve saved the world. Call it motivation to stay alive but since you made such an effort already. I love you too, dear.” Asshole. What did you expect. The feeling was mutual.

(Caduceus)

The first time you met Caduceus you’d killed someone in not too far out from Shady Creek. The down side, you killed someone important. They came after you, you protected yourself but then you had a body to deal with. You heard about the cursed place, and decided to just bury it there. You didn’t expect to find a dopey pink haired firbolg to be living at the heart of the place. He was surprisingly helpful in burying the body you brought to the point you were almost sure you’d be buried right next to your victim soon. Luckily for you you were proven wrong.

You couldn’t really return to Shady Creek and it’s not like you had much of a home there so you wandered the forests hunting and gathering for food and warmth at night avoiding the cursed places and dangers as much as you could. You couldn’t and returned to the safety of the Blooming Grove. So you made a deal, you’d stay with the firbolg, help him out at his graveyard, cemetery, whatever it is and he’d give you a place to sleep at night.

You resorted to staying inside the small temple sleeping on the floor but soon enough, Caduceus invited you to just take one of the beds in the house and stick around instead of leave at dawn to find food, removing some weeds, watering some plants, and return at dusk. No more wandering you fell into more domestic tasks solidifying your roommate life with the man. It had been a while since either of you were in (good) company so you appreciated anything that could talk and wasn’t trying to murder you.

In your time spent with Caduceus you heard bits and pieces about his family but what didn’t add up for you were the beds and belongings he didn’t touch or did so with care to keep them clean. When you got the courage to ask Caduceus told you the story of Clay, Stone and Dust and how his family left to save the Grove and perhaps even the Savalirwood as a whole. It felt odd to actually talk to someone about them that’s not him to himself. He appreciated your compassion, telling him that they’d come back home and with the stories he told you hope you’d get to meet them one day.

Caduceus’ expert prepping of meals left you wanting to be able to do the same. Of course he was happy to teach you and with his guidance you cooked your first meal. It wasn’t the best but definitely beat anything you could make on the road by yourself. The spices are to die for. You found yourself falling into the habit of cooking together; a nice way to end the day.

You were having a particularly tough day and ready to just curl up and let the world consume you, there was no hiding from your friendly firbolg roommate. He knew what’s up but gave you a chance to come to him. You didn’t so he came to you. He didn’t say anything, just sat next to you with a cup of tea, set another one in front of you and stayed quiet until you were ready to talk or get back to your business if you didn’t. He wasn’t going to pry in personal matters unless you asked him.

An encounter with a nasty creature you were unable to scare off and away had Caduceus pinned to the ground. With enough courage and some knowledge of physical combat you managed to get the creature off and injure it enough so it fled. Pulling Caduceus to his feet you were engulfed in a hug with a thank you. As is common knowledge Caduceus hugs are the best hugs you found yourself asking for more. Caduceus wasn’t at all opposed to keep this a thing as he’d always enjoyed hugs.

With the two of you growing closer, living together you decided to sit down and talk about what you had and where it was going as neither of you wanted to accidentally lead on the other or set expectations that could not be met. Neither of you were looking for romantic love or romance at all. Some might refer to you as bestest of friends or life partners but that didn’t really seem to fit. You’re just you and Caduceus is him and you liked hugging and spending time together, going through the motions of life and that’s all you needed.

When the Nein came along looking for help, Caduceus offered for you to stay behind, the Blooming Grove was just as much your home as it was his but you went along anyway. You’d never left the forest. Never travelled south either but many adventures found their way to you and you’d be spending them with you with Caduceus through all the ups and downs. The Nein got so used to your dynamic they never questioned it. It was just something that existed and was happening and quite frankly, one of the few normal things about you and the firbolg.

When the day came you found the Clay family you got to be there for Caduceus as he had for you. Meeting them for the first time they lived up to the stories you’d been told. The Clays were very happy to meet Caduceus’ friends but upon learning about your connection to him they were relieved he hadn’t been all alone for all those years they were gone and had some company. They offered you to come back with them but just like Caduceus, there was still some unfinished business and these people, the Mighty Nein still needed your help.

Then, when everything came to a close, you returned to the Blooming Grove and spent the rest of your days there living content. It had been your home and would continue to be your home. The Clays became your family and for the first time in forever you could see yourself content at home leaving with Caduceus to travel at times but always return to that little spot in the Savalirwood.

#critrole x reader #critical role x reader #mighty nein x reader #mighty nein #caduceus x reader #caduceus clay #critical role #percival x reader #percy x reader #vox machina x reader #vox machina

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logicalbookthief · 3 years

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Things Left Unsaid -- An Analysis of Rei & Touya

Apparently Rei has been getting a lot of flack lately, all of it undeserved, and since I had a post analyzing her relationship with Touya in the works already, I figured no time like the present.

Disclaimer #1: There are a lot of issues with the writing for Rei’s character that have nothing to do with her and everything to do with how the storyline is using her, which I will address and examine.

Disclaimer #2: I’m someone who, while always curious as to what kind of relationship Rei had with her oldest son before he died, never thought it would be revealed that Touya was close to his mom. I don’t think you get the Dabi we see in Chapters 290-295 without him being so warped by his relationship with his father yet so dependent on his attention that he was willing to kill his brother and himself simply for his father’s acknowledgement.

But that’s what I find so interesting about Rei and Touya -- it’s a relationship that mainly consists of regrets and things left unsaid. There isn’t the anger or resentment Dabi feels for Endeavor, because that intense level of emotion sprung from the loss of the father who used to be his whole world. His feelings toward his mother seem more amicable, but also more distant.

And while she could’ve done some things differently in regards to her oldest, I want to make it clear that the distance between them was very much by design.

After all, Touya was the end goal of their marriage. It was never any secret as to why Enji wanted to marry her and to some extent Rei must’ve realized that this child was not meant to be hers: the child was the transaction, the thing she was needed to create, to give to her husband. Of course she loved Touya and was likely his primary caregiver for most of his life, but there was no doubt that once his quirk manifested and he could begin his hero training, his life would be dominated by his father. Which is what happened.

Here, I would like to point out something I noticed in the flashback chapters. We never see any panels of Enji alone with any of his children during their infancy -- even with Shouto, the perfect child he longed for, we see Rei holding Shouto, sitting by him as he sleeps. Enji is there tangentially. Once Shouto begins his training, that is when we see him with his father.

So to see Enji with Touya when he was a baby, prior to his quirk manifesting, strikes me as a big deal. But it makes sense if you remember that he’d placed all his hopes, dreams and expectations on his firstborn. Initially, it doesn’t look like he even considered the possibility that Touya wouldn’t be his successor or that his little eugenics experiment would fail; this was his first, most optimistic attempt at a masterpiece. So I don’t believe it’s far-fetched to see him spend more time with Touya right off the bat (it’s what will make the eventual abandonment all the more crushing).

However, Rei isn’t seen at all in the snippet of Touya’s infancy, despite us knowing she was relegated to the caregiver role. Rei is literally out of the picture. Compare this to how she features prominently in Shouto’s infancy or how we see her holding a baby Natsuo. You could argue that, hey, we don’t see her holding a baby Fuyumi either, but there’s other scenes where Fuyumi’s attached to her mother’s hip or crying over her being hurt. Things that suggest a closeness, when the only scene we get of just her and Touya is one where they’re at odds.

As we move further into Touya’s childhood, though, Rei becomes the only voice we hear advocate for him against his father. I’m referencing two specific instances:

When Enji coerces her into having more children to replace Touya now that his father has deemed him a failure, something she knows will hurt their son deeply.

And after Touya lashes out at Shouto, which Rei doesn’t blame on Touya, but rather on his father. She delivers such a satisfying condemnation of his actions, probably the most cutting one Endvr’s received to date, and it so accurately sums up one of his major character flaws.

How can you call yourself a hero when you can’t even face your own son?

The tragedy of it all is that Rei never said any of this in front of Touya -- it was always said in private, just to her husband. That alone took courage, yes, but it would’ve meant everything to Touya to hear her condemn his father aloud. Instead when she does speak to him, she says this:

It’s why I can’t wrap my head around that scene in Ch 302, where after Enji admits he didn’t know what to say to Touya, Rei replies, “Neither did I.”

When we’re shown in flashbacks during that same chapter that she did understand her son. “He just wants to be acknowledged by you” is quite the indication that she, at the very least, understood the cause of Touya’s turmoil even if she couldn’t fully relate to it herself. So why can’t she say any of this to him?

The answer is in the way she addresses Touya, as it is nearly identical to how Nao addresses Tenko in this scene:

Both Touya and Tenko grew up in similar households: the father had all the power, physical and financial, so the mothers were left to try and comfort their children in a way that didn’t go against their husbands’ desires -- and so, to use Tenko’s own words, they would “reject them with kindness.”

So it’s no wonder that Touya lashes out at his mother after she suggests he pursue other things. He isn’t five like Tenko was, he’s thirteen and has a much clearer understanding of why she says this and why it’s a bit hypocritical, since he’s aware of her situation, too.

Just as she was bound by her family, who wanted her to marry Endvr for the money and status, he’s bound by the expectations of his family. I’m not sure if I’ve seen anyone else touch on this detail, but when Touya states that he knows his grandparents sold his mom into marriage so his dad could have a child, we could infer that Touya knows enough to realize that his mother might not have necessarily wanted him.

Not him specifically, but any child — the story has neglected to flesh her out beyond her marriage and motherhood, so we have no idea if Rei wanted to become a mother prior to this arrangement, despite how much she loves her kids now — although it is possible that he might’ve internalized it this way.

So you have Touya, who at least knows with certainty that his father wanted him to exist, yet he comes to understand that his father only wants him if he can meet a specific set of expectations, and if he cannot, he’ll be discarded. If he can’t surpass All Might, he can’t fulfill his reason for existing and his father will have to replace him. So to have his mother urge him to follow a path other than becoming a hero would mean, to Touya, accepting that he is the mistake he fears he is. Of course he isn’t going to respond well to that.

I don’t like when people try to compare Touya’s reaction in this moment to Shouto’s when Rei tells him he isn’t bound by his father’s blood, using that to paint Shouto as the “good” child and Touya as the “bad” one. They didn’t react differently because of any innate sense of goodness or lack thereof -- they reacted differently because the situations are different.

Telling Shouto that he didn’t have to be like his father comforted Shouto, who only knew his father as the bully who hurt his mom. He associated his father, and his father’s fire, with all of that fear and pain -- and thus, he associated the part of himself that took after his father with those feelings. She wasn’t denying his dream of becoming a hero, only assuring him that when he became a hero it could be whatever kind of hero he chose to be, that he wasn’t doomed to be like his father.

Whereas what she tells Touya sounds a lot like what his father told him, which was to give up on being a hero and pursue other aspirations.

Encouraging Shouto to become his own version of a hero still falls in line with what Endvr ultimately wants, which is for Shouto to be a hero capable of surpassing All Might. Whereas this is what happens when Touya continues to train to do that against his father’s wishes:

This is where the framing begins to bother me and where Rei’s characterization becomes inconsistent.

So in this scene from Ch 302, we see Enji abusing his wife for “letting” Touya continue to train, punishing her for her “failure” to stop him. Obviously, none of that is Rei’s fault. If anything, Enji would be more responsible for preventing Touya from hurting himself since he’s the reason his son is hurting himself in the first place.

Moreover, the fact that he hits Rei over this sort of muddies the water of an previously-established narrative. Since the Sports Festival arc, we’ve known that Endvr abused his wife because she tried to interfere with Shouto’s training. It got to the point where she was terrified of her husband and it drove her to a breakdown. Why introduce this new aspect to the abuse, when it was already established that a) he was physically abusive and b) his motivations for abusing her were explicit to the audience?

I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense that a man who hits his wife for one reason could find another reason to do it and justify his actions to himself. And while the scene does portray Endvr in a bad light to show how wrong his actions are, literally draping his figure in shadow, why does it even dare to suggest the idea that Rei was remiss in her duties as a mother? Again, the scene isn’t even necessary, since the narrative has long-since showed the audience that Enji abused his wife.

By itself, the scene would read as further exploration of how Rei was victimized and how it affected her children. When you look at it with the chapter as a whole, though? Remember, this is the chapter where Rei claims that all of the family shares the blame in what happened to Touya, displacing some of the blame that rightfully rests on Enji.

But my major gripe with this scene is how it reframes the sole moment we get of Rei and Touya alone. Because we know that Rei understands Touya, based on her confrontations with her husband in Ch 301 & 302. Rather than encourage him to be what he wants or acknowledge that his father is in the wrong, however, her advice falls in line with what Enji wants -- to stop Touya from training. And this comes after a scene where we see Enji beat his wife when she doesn’t stop Touya from training.

With all that in mind, it could potentially be read as Rei trying stop Touya for the sake of protecting herself and the family -- I don’t think it’s coincidence that in the scene where he hits her that we see Shouto, Fuyumi & Natsuo all as witnesses who are very distressed by what’s happening to their mother -- at the cost of Touya’s need to be validated. And if executed well or at least better than it has here, that wouldn’t be a bad choice of narrative per se, and it would fit into the pattern where the households the villains were raised in -- notably Shigaraki, Dabi & Toga -- mimic the society they live in, just on a smaller scale.

Except. Does that sort of narrative make sense based on what we already know about Rei?

Certainly, it is natural to want to protect yourself under physical and/or emotional duress by appeasing your abuser. This sort of complicated dynamic appears in the Shimura family, too. Just like in the house that Kotaro built, the Todoroki family revolves around the desires of the abuser and is dictated by his whims.

I would argue that Nao does give us a well-written example of this narrative. From the beginning, it’s established that she loves Tenko dearly. But in the house her husband built, there’s no room to love her son as he deserves. She prioritizes the feelings of Tenko’s father for the sake of maintaining peace in the household and this is established quickly and plainly.

Early on in the flashback, Kotaro exerts his control over the house, while Nao + her parents look uncomfortable. Despite this, we watch as they comply with his rules, all at the expense of Tenko’s feelings. When she stands up to Kotaro at last, it is not where Tenko can see and already too late. It’s a painful story, full of regret and sadness, but it is consistent from start to end. Nobody feels out-of-character or there to prop up anybody else.

So why doesn’t Rei feel as consistent in this narrative?

Because it doesn’t fit with everything we knew about Rei prior to her abuser’s subpar redemption arc.

The way she interacts with Touya would make sense, if this was how she was portrayed from the start. However, her behavior in Shouto’s flashback -- where she was first introduced -- contrasts what we get in the later Todoroki flashbacks.

Let’s compare this to the scenes in Ch 302. Here, Rei interferes on Shouto’s behalf. She advocates for her son in front of Shouto where he can hear. She stands up to his bully/villain and tries to protect him, while also validating his feelings in the process. Directly after this, Enji hits her, not for failing to comply with his demands, but for defying him.

It is difficult to reconcile this Rei with the Rei we get in Ch 302. And if you try to find an in-story reason for the inconsistency, the options either do a disservice to Rei or make things even more painful for Touya. But I’m sure most of you have realized that I’m going to suggest a reason for this inconsistency that goes beyond the canon.

Because when Rei was first introduced in the story, Endvr was unequivocally the villain in the Todoroki family, not some misguided patriarch trying to atone for his “past” mistakes. Years later and in the midst of his redemption arc, the narrative seems to be intent on making this man more palatable to readers, and it’s used Rei at every opportunity to prop up his efforts to be better. Often, though, it takes some of the heat off Enji by displacing it onto other family members, most significantly Rei & Touya.

Like, you can literally see the difference in the frame from early in the manga to now:

Ch 39: Endvr trains his five-year-old to the point where he’s throwing up due overextension and being punched by a fully grown adult who is also his father. Rei tries to protect her son and gets slapped by Endvr. All the blames rests squarely on Endvr, who is clearly the aggressor and painted as the villain here.

Ch 302: Endvr hits Rei for not preventing Touya from sneaking out to train, knocking her to the ground. Again, Endvr is clearly the aggressor, but oh this time it’s not driven solely by his selfish desires it’s also cocnern for his son; Rei is the victim but oh she also should have been watching him more closely, and oh well why was Touya going out in the first place, when everyone has told him to stop and he knows his mom will get punished for it?

Honestly, I can understand where some people have mixed feelings over Rei’s character, particularly since the writing has done her such a disservice recently. With that being said, however, it takes a minimum amount of critical thinking to recognize that while you can criticize some choices she made, you cannot hold her to the same standard of accountability as Enji, it’s absurd. The power imbalance was obviously tipped in Endvr’s favor, always.

It is a shame, too, that we can’t have more discussions that don’t turn into some readers (a lot of whom are attempting to make Endvr sound less horrible than he actually was) trying to demonize her. It’s doubly a shame the story itself doesn’t bother to flesh her out as a person, instead using her as a prop, because the complex relationships she has with Touya -- with all her children, really -- has plenty of room for exploration.

Like, there was no reason to add this new dimension of resentment due to her spouting Enji’s words back at Touya, when there was already a source of tension supported by previous canon -- the neglect the Todoroki kids suffered because Rei couldn’t be the parent they needed, due to her declining mental health and eventual breakdown.

Or, if you want to complicate their dynamic further, why not add something that focuses on Rei and has nothing to do with Enji? We learn in the flashbacks that Rei agreed to the marriage more-or-less to please her family, lamenting that she “intended to smile through it to the end,” essentially admitting that her hope was she could grin and bear it. It is telling that she had this attitude before entering her marriage; evidently, she was raised with the idea that she should be acquiescent to her parents’ whims and not express herself if she was only going to be contrary. Maybe she didn’t know how to deal with Touya’s very expressive, very emotional outbursts as a result. And her inability to respond would be the exact opposite of what Touya was seeking.

Not to mention that Touya died, and for the last decade, Rei was under the impression she had lost her son forever. He died while she was hospitalized, torn up with guilt over what she did to Shouto, only to find out that her other son died in a frankly horrific manner, and she could do nothing. By the time she would’ve found out, it was too late to even try to do anything. I can’t imagine what she must’ve felt in terms of regret alone, plus her grief. And I’m still mad we were robbed of her reaction to Touya being alive, because now suddenly there is a chance to do something, to change what was once written in stone.

Or what about Touya’s feelings for his mother, that have yet to be given much depth? As the oldest and most aware of his existence, it seems like he was the first to truly understand his mother’s situation and I can’t help but wonder: If Touya knew he vessel for his father’s ambition, and his mother was sold into role of creating/caring for him, did he question her love for him? Once he found out one parent’s love was conditional, it wouldn’t be a leap for him to consider it for the other. And yet if that’s true, Dabi doesn’t appear to hold any ill-will towards her for that. He was angry at her hypocrisy, because he knows she should understand, but her words to him didn’t reflect that.

All of that is fascinating and so much better than what we got in canon, so far at least. I’m hoping for them interact in the present at least once before the end of the series, and I think they will, but as to how satisfying a reconciliation it’ll be, I guess we’ll have to wait to see how the Todoroki plotline progresses from here on out.

#bnha #touya todoroki #rei todoroki #bnha meta #bnha analysis #this took way too long because I kept having more thoughts which made it even longer lol #and it actually gave me another idea for a touya & rei meta post but this is already a monster so that'll have to be its own separate post

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letusmeetagain · 3 years

Text

“Love someone”

I wanted so bad that Mikasa wasn’t the one having to take him down... At the very least and as I could consider time ago, it would be more like a mercy killing. I also wanted to believe that it was already done and there wouldn’t be more major losses such as Falbi, Connie, Jean or the remaining Eldians.

However... this will be probably a really long post but I don’t care, I’ll include every panel I need... The circumstances justifies it...

In the end, it seems to be that Reiner wasn’t delusional at all.

Eren wanted indeed to be killed but not by a random person. It had to be Mikasa, as he saw.

And probably, this is related to the way she did it. Mikasa displayed whichever feeling you could imagine regading love, loyalty, compassion, dignity, pride, mercy...

Conversely, Ymir died trying to show her love and found a bitter, humiliating. The king deprived her from her status of human and attacked her dignity. This disrespect, the way she couldn’t reach his heart at least as human condemned her to serve him in paths from eternity.

Eren, who was born somehow fated by his own nature and the circumstances to this role, freed her. Maybe she doesn’t want to see Eren suffering her destiny.

On Eren’s approach of his own existence

I have tried since ch. 130 was out to explain the connection between this chapter and chs. 88/9 Eren and the baby, explaining that there was just a thematic connection related to death and birth. I still don’t know if the baby will have a more important role in the ending: I started to think that there won’t be a major meaning for the baby more than the beginning of a new era.

[BIRTH DEATH]

Meanwhile, Mikasa’s feelings for him represent his attatchment to this world and the importance of his existence into it.

I happened to find a philosophic discussion on existence between Arendt and Heidegger and I found interesting that Arendt criticized Heidegger’s more “pessimistic?” approach for attributing the meaning of existence out of the idea of death (thus the finitude/end of the being) and the acceptance of it.

Then, Arendt, introduced the focus on natality and birth as the main point of life when a new unique person enters the world and introduces the new into the world while being born free through their innerent capacity to act and think... thus to “begin” [events].

The latter reminded me of Carla’s words to Eren. She wanted to highlight Eren’s existence and its legitimacy based on the start of his life and the way he “touched history” (I’m quoting “The poisonwood bible”) in the sense that he his doing brought change to the lives of his friends and humanity.

To contextualize a little this discussion, the first approach was born in the middle of a period where death was the law... I’m talking about chaotic, hard times for humanity that were the period of the WWI and WWII. Arendt, a victim of the Nazi regime, built a conception that aimed to retrieve the dignity of humans not as if they were born to die but to live. She thought that focusing on death mislead and hurt the essence of human existence reducing it to its end.

(trans. yaboylevi)

On Mikasa’s love for him

What it means to love someone in Isayama’s work?

Be free. To love someone means to want them be free from pain and everything that goes against their dignity and the undeniable fact that they were born into the world.

The greatest act of love is to wish them to live proudly and free. It’s about life, a life without regrets and guilt.

It’s not power what leads someone to be free, but love. Love reaches trascendence in the memories of others as it touches their existences too.

Witnessing love was in the end something Ymir pursued during the rumbling. Some chapters ago, I couldn’t tell if Ymir was the one needing to see it or that she wanted to deliver this message of love as the path to freedom for everyone.

Freedom can be attained through love.

Meanwhile, the way to this...

It’s already explained that child Eren was crying because of the happenings he would experience in the future, the way he was cornered between being a livestock and the genocide. He cried for the first time in front of Ramzy acknowledging his reasons to cry that were that he couldn’t accept the end for Paradies.

Facing this big tragedy, the unbearable feeling of loss, Mikasa wished to go back to their home with Eren and enjoy a peaceful life together. But let’s not romaticize it too much...it has a small letter that explains why Mikasa is crying and why she chose her reality.

This... “something” (like in Lost Girls), let’s say it’s an experience which nature can and can’t be described as reality... It doesn’t really matter if it was real as it was experienced by both of them. At this rate and judging by Eren’s faces while talking to Zeke about Mikasa, he even saw this experience in his memories of the future too.

The small letter is exactly that they live a life full of regrets. They betrayed their friends and the island in order to spend Eren’s remaining time alone. In ch. 123 we see a key moment for Eren to avoid having to make a decision exaclty because he was doubting about his decisions. We indeed know that he couldn’t change the future and that Mikasa didn’t chose this answer. I also wonder if such a AU is viable as Eren never got to paths to force his father to steal the founder and thus... How did they managed to come to this point? I wonder. Still, as I said, even if it’s not viable as reality, things can be real as both of them have this memory and the interaction/communication is still real.

This long dream helped Mikasa to realize something she needed to know. She finally understood why Eren wanted to throw the scarf, why he told her that he hated her. The reason why he pushed her away without explaining her nothing.

She knew he loves her and wants her to be free from any kind of suffering related to the loss of her family. He wanted to vanish from her life. That way she could give meaning to his words to Louise about the scarf: it wasn’t lack of love what made him want to erase the proof of their bond and his promise to her, it wasn’t his will what prevented him from staying with her but his circumstances. This experience reminds us the letter Ymir sent to Historia.

The conclusion of this experience is that such a life hiding from their friends, full of regrets and just waiting for Eren’s death wasn’t the right choice for none of them. The irresponsibility of letting the world they were born into was the reason why she was crying as she knew she was letting things happen in the real world without doing anything. Contrary to Eren’s wishes, she doesn’t want to forget him. That’s the decision she made. She chose to show him that she doesn’t to let him being forgotten and this means that she won’t allow him to think his existence was a mistake.

In Trost, she decided to live to remember him. She decided to reaffirm her life and their story together. Now she reaffirms her reality and her wish to express her true feelings regarding his existence. All in all, Mikasa wished for him to be free from the pain as he did with her... thus the reason on why she decided to wear again the scarf.

One important part of Eren’s development in the last chapter will be probably with Grisha...

“Someone may see them later”. Eren. Probably Eren. After these panels, Krüger tells him to love someone. To wish someone’s freedom in his individual story means to love someone... and this will affect humanity’s future and avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. Interestingly, the panel when Eren tells Mikasa to be free resembles the provisional last panel.

As I discussed here Mikasa could relieve Eren’s pain and she chose to kill him in order to save him from the pain of being the devil. Her determination, her refusal to regret having met him and remembering him and also her words to him... “See you later”... those words mean pride and will to see him again. Maybe a promise about meeting again. But the next development involves Eren acknowledging Mikasa’s determination and leaving his guilt and regrets behind while reaffirming his existence since his birth... until he asks her to remember him and his truth she got to know.

#eremika #snk #snk138 #Eren Jaeger #Mikasa Ackerman

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faeirs · 3 years

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I am going to gently peel away Edolon’s layers like an especially fucked up onion in this post because I haven’t really seen anyone analyse him so far.

[Warning: talks of cults, religion, and death + spoilers.]

Now, the intent of this is not to invalidate anyone’s point of view, nor is it to upset anyone or make them feel bad. The intent of this analysis is actually to bring attention to his trauma and issues, as I personally have not seen anyone partake in said activity so far (keep in mind I’m making this post on the 4th of March, 2021), and I wholeheartedly enjoy shining light on subjects that usually don’t get talked about all that often. The intention of this post is to simply encourage a more sympathetic behaviour towards the purpleblood in question.

I will say it outright before I go into detail — I wholeheartedly believe that Edolon is a victim. I do not think of him as a villain, at-least not by the definition that we are the most familiar with. This does not mean that I’m justifying his actions by any means, it just means that I’m giving a reasoning for them. Being a victim that is deserving of help, therapy, and love, and having done a few morally questionable things yourself, are not necessarily exclusive sets of traits, and I genuinely wish that this mindset was more common.

Now, to get on with the actual analysis:

As I said earlier — Edolon Vryche is a victim. Of what, you ask? A-lot of things. Child neglect, isolation, falling into the hands of a cult and then being used as a ‘secret weapon’’, constant underestimation and possible degradation, constantly being plagued by feelings of helplessness, manipulation, being forced to murder his lover, and then eventually losing one of his hands. I feel like all of this often goes unseen by the fandom but he has led a very tragic and unfortunate life and it is no wonder that he is so desperate for control and power now.

We are well-aware of the fact that Clarud Enthal, better known as The Executive, severely wronged Edolon in some manner. Of-course, you could presume whatever Edolon said in regards to him to be nothing more than lies to gain the sympathy of others but I would have to disagree. He clearly did not care about how the audience perceived him; he couldn’t give less of a damn about them. Not only that, but through Clarud’s previous interactions with Sestro, I think we can all safely agree that he wasn’t the most reliable man in the universe. If we can sympathise with Sestro’s situation in regards to The Executive, what’s stopping us from giving Edolon the same treatment? Especially once you realise that he was actually treated much worse, too. Clarud literally isolated Edolon — he neglected Edolon and was not the figure that he should have been in his life. Edolon truly was denied what was rightfully his, not only in terms of inheritance but also in terms of love and support.

While we’re on the subject of love and support, let’s discuss Edolon’s former lover — Seinru Narako, the Witch of Light. It’s safe to say that Edolon didn’t get to associate with other people on a deep and vulnerable level, so Seinru was really his only source of comfort and affection. Isn’t it slightly unnerving for a character that has been stated to be ‘subtly manipulative’ in their Wikipedia page to be the only form of solace for another? It has been stated that he was rather dependent on them too — it’s understandable, considering they were possibly the only one to ever show him any sort of affection or love, but concerning nonetheless. We only got to see Seinru twice; first in the “[S] WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM.” video, and then on the 1102nd page, as well as three that following ones — who knows for how long they had been manipulating him. They kept on talking about how fruitful the entire process would be for him, but let’s face the facts; it wasn’t for his sake, it was for the sake of the cult.

It makes even more sense once you realise the manipulative nature of cults; they isolate you from everyone else and slowly corrupt your sense of self. Cults often get idolised or joked about for the sake of certain aesthetics but the trauma they cause is nothing to be taken lightly. Religious trauma in general, whether rooting from a cult or just faith in general (though especially cults), is nothing to be joked about — this is coming from someone with religious trauma themself. Being strongly associated with religion can make or break someone, depending on whether the bond is positive or negative. It can ruin your self-perception, your sense of identity, your priorities — everything.

Manipulation seems to be fairly prevalent in the cult that Edolon in a part of, too. Especially when you take a look at the 1535th page, in which Hogan is seen holding a paper depicting the full plan. Edolon is referred to as their ‘special weapon’. He isn’t a person to them; he never was. He has always just been a means to an end — a pawn to make their plans easier to come into fruition. No-one has ever treated him like a person, but especially not the cult. He thinks he acquired power after making that sacrifice but not really. It’s kind of sad, keeping in mind that he has probably always dealt with feelings of helplessness and powerlessness, as implied by a-lot of what Seinru said during the 1102nd, 1103rd, and 1104th pages of Vast Error. In-fact, I feel like we should give more importance to the discussion Edolon had with them; it brings attention to a-lot of things we might not have noticed otherwise. Such as Edolon’s fear of letting them down and disappointing them.

Narako said, and I quote, “All of this is for you. So please, don't reject this gift. Don't let me down, now of all times.” What stops us from speculating that Edolon doesn’t have a crushing fear of failure? Of letting everyone down? Of letting the cult down? Of letting his former lover down? Who is to say that this man is not plagued by the weight of the expectations placed upon him since childhood? So many expectations, and yet he was still underestimated. He was clearly still not seen as enough. I know everyone perceives Edolon to be this confident, intimidating figure but I suspect that couldn’t be further from the truth. I do believe that he is a competent and potent man, yes, but he is equally traumatised and scarred. He is insecure, he is frightened, but most of all — he is lonely. He always has been, and with the path he is leading, he always will be. Besides — wouldn’t it be ironic? For a character so desperate to preach a message of ‘happiness’, to never truly be happy? With how his life has played out, I doubt he has ever felt true joy at any point of his life; he is a man that was hatched into tragedy.

I should also mention that I ended up making one specific connection that makes things a bit more heartwrenching:

“Otherwise, everything we've accomplished together, all that we've worked so hard for up until this very moment… All that pain would be rendered meaningless.”

It’s quite similar to pretty much everything said in the tangent regarding pain that Edolon went on in the 710th page of the source material, but it especially applies to one specific line — “but here's the catch: when dealt in excess, the very idea of pain, no matter the cause… becomes simply— meaningless.” Is it not likely that a part of him still mourns her? I’d say it is very probable, especially when you keep the countenance he wore after being reminded of the whole event. He is clearly still hurting, and that is completely understandable; this man has been through so much — how can you not expect him to act the way he does? He is full of so much repressed emotion — so much anger and frustration, and no-one ever taught him how to properly express his feelings. His actions may not be justified, but his rage is. He is as worthy of love and therapy as the rest of the characters.

#edolon vryche #edolon #vast error #manipulate mansplain maleboss (edolon)#cult tw #religion tw #long post tw #death tw

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anika-ann · 3 years

Text

The 5 Times Steve Felt Betrayed - Pt.1

and the 1 Time He Felt Like He Was Betraying You

Type: mini-series to a series (part 1 & part 2 & Part 3), Avenger!reader AU.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader, Matt Murdock & reader

Word count (ch1): 2400

Summary: After the fiasco in Nigeria, the world is fed up with dealing with the Avengers’ mess. The Sokovia Accords are invented. It’s understandable that the team is divided.

But Steve would never expect that The Accords would wedge a split between the two of you as well. And he sure as hell wouldn’t expect your disagreement not to end there.

Warnings: mentions of cheating, talk about what happened in Lagos during CA:CW, langauge, angst? (I mean, check out the title)

A/N: So, this mini-series is a part of the Melting Hearts ‘verse and follows the events of CA: Civil War, sometimes only referencing and kinda expecting the readers to knwo what’s up ;) obviously some things will be slightly altered.

Will be posted in double chapters (1st &2nd time, 3th & 4th, 5th+1)

────── ·❆· ──────

1. (Cause & Consequence)

“Our people's blood is spilled on foreign soil. Not only because of the actions of criminals, but by the indifference of those pledged to stop them. Victory at the expense of the innocent… is no victory at all.”

Steve shut the TV down, placing the remote control on the table. His fingers went to massage the bridge of his nose.

It was everywhere – a month after the fiasco in Lagos, they were still talking about it in the news. This time it was the king of Wakanda speaking, questioning the activities of the Avengers team.

And during the past weeks, he had barely been the only one.

Steve was well-aware of their mistakes – of his mistake. The way he had lost it with Rumlow was unforgivable, especially with so many lives lost. Wanda might have been the one to send the exploding man into the building full of civilians, but Steve was watching the source of the tragedy every goddamn day in the mirror.

He had failed to deal with the HYDRA mercenary. Wanda had saved Steve’s life when she removed the burning man out of his reach, accidently blowing up a building. You had tried your best to put out the fire in the building with your powers, but the damage had already been done.

It had been a collective error. But Steve knew that if they hadn’t been in Nigeria in the first place, many more people would die. And it was what he was trying to hold onto, some days handling it better than others.

If the public thought they didn’t feel remorse at what had happened, they were very, oh so very wrong.

He winced when the voice of the reporter he had just shut down evaded his ears again, and frowned.

He knew it couldn’t be you – you weren’t home, which was just another thing to make him feel like crap. You were spending a lot of time away lately – Steve couldn’t help but wondering if it was his fault too, if he had driven you away with his dark thoughts.

And then there were moments when he wasn’t sure if it wasn’t simply you not being able to look at him, not seeing him in the same light as you had used to when you had said yes to his proposal.

Were you gone because you were judging him for freezing at Bucky’s name? For not handling the situation? He couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed. Loving someone… it shouldn’t be about expecting something back, but… after all the support he gave you whenever you were struggling? He thought you would be there for him.

But maybe it was just too much for you, dealing with yourself and comforting him at the same time – it would only confirm his theory about you feeling guilty for some of the victims.

However… why wouldn’t you try to deal with your own feelings with Steve? He was hundred percent sure you thought you could have done more, be there sooner, hell, stop the explosion yourself. He knew you felt like it was your failure as much as his and Wanda’s – or at least he believed so.

But why were you seeking shelter somewhere else? He was your fiancé – a person you had agreed to spend the rest of your life with – so why weren’t you with him in a time like this? Your relationship had been very intimate from the very beginning after all, only blossoming into more with time.

So why had you gone to see another man again? He couldn’t help the nagging pang of betrayal and jealousy. You always said you needed to see Matt Murdock. How could it not get into his very core and wound him there? Especially when after those meetings with Matt, you always seemed restless, jumping at the slightest of sounds, often escaping to the gym, claiming you needed few more moments alone.

“I’m sorry,” you would always say, a regretful smile on your lips, your gaze avoiding his. “I just… I guess I just need to hit something and I don’t want you to see me like that.”

And then you would hug him, kiss his cheek gently, sometimes pressing your lips to his for a split second and you’d be gone. Truth to your words, you would always come back exhausted, but somewhat calmer and offering affection with more urgency than usual to make up for the lost time.

Steve had no idea what to think about that or how to approach the matter.

What he knew he could do, however, was to walk into Wanda’s room and turn off her goddamn TV, because he was sure the voice was coming from there – no one had watched the news with more intensity than her, always coming after any new bits about the incident in Lagos so she could torture herself.

That girl was way too much like you.

“It’s my fault,” she stated when she acknowledged his presence. It was hard not to, since he had turned off the broadcast.

“That’s not true.”

“Turn the TV back on. They’re being very specific.”

“Well, what they say on TV is a load of— stupid things. We both know that I should have handled the situation way before you had to intervene. People died. And unlike what they say on the news – that’s on me,” he said, heavily seating himself next to her on her bed.

She gave him a sorrowful smile. “Well. I guess it’s on both of us.”

And not on the three of us, Steve’s mind supplied helpfully in an instant and he sighed at the intrusive voice in the back of his head.

“She’s out again. I’m sorry. She’s taking it pretty hard, especially considering it wasn’t her fault at all,” Wanda offered gently and Steve mentally cursed at the mind-reader slash empath slash million other things. “She’s afraid too. She worries for you, because of the way the mission affected you. But she’s not blaming you.”

Steve eyed her, meeting her honest gaze full of compassion.

“Well, she could say that by herself, but she won’t. Instead…”

“You know… she was very fast at learning how to build a wall in her head to shield her thoughts from me. I can’t read her mind… but I can always tell there’s a lot on it when she comes back,” the Sokovian informed him and Steve stiffened.

Yeah, that was exactly the thing he did not want to hear.

“The thing is… she’s terrible at hiding her emotions. I… I’m not gonna pretend I don’t know what crosses your mind from time to time, I don’t need to read thoughts for that, or emotions. But I can tell you that she only has feelings for you, Steve. Her heart – it’s always with you. She’s carrying it on her sleeve, but it’s yours. You got yourself a good woman, Captain. A troubled one, sure,” she chuckled softly, apparently pleased she felt Steve’s relief. And relieved he was; you weren’t cheating on him. You weren’t thinking about cheating on him. You still loved him. You didn’t blame him. It was as if he could breathe again, indescribable weight falling off him. “But a loyal one and good one.”

Steve covered her hand with his, determined to sooth her as well. “Well. I knew from the beginning that you two were too much alike.”

“Thank you, Steve,” she smiled at him softly and Steve wished he wasn’t imagining the slightest relief in her eyes as well.

“No, Wanda. Thank you.”

────── ·❆· ──────

2. (Empty Promises)

The Sokovia Accords. A miraculous solution to the problem of the uncontrollable bunch of (mostly) superhumans that hold no responsibility for their action.

Go. To. Hell.

Steve wanted to burn the hundreds-pages document to ashes. It was nonsense. The document just shifted the blame to someone else and wanted to put all of them in check; in a way Steve didn’t like at all.

As long as he remembered, all he wanted was to do good – to serve his country, sure, but mainly to serve the people in it, serve a good purpose. And this regulation went straight against it. Hell, it went against the promise he had once made to the man who gave him the power to fight for a good cause, because he had thought Steve could value it. And he did. He heard Doctor Erskine’s voice as clearly as if he was sitting on the opposite bed at the Camp Lehigh, the night before the procedure.

‘Promise me, that you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier – but a good man.’

Being a perfect soldier meant obeying orders and not thinking twice it they meant doing the right thing or not. Being a good man meant standing for what he believed was good with his whole heart.

Signing this peace of— paper would go against everything he believed in.

“We’re not perfect, but the safest hands are still our own,” Steve finished the argumentation and that said it all.

He looked up at Tony with intense glare, his blue eyes gleaming with severity. The air felt too heavy to breathe, the silence itself weighting a ton.

It was your timid voice that cut it in the end and what you said made Steve’s heart ache.

“That’s not something all of us can say about themselves, Steve.”

His attention shifted to you, his lips parting at the well-known expression on your face. His shoulders slumped with a sigh.

Apparently, he had been right about Nigeria – you did feel guilty. And the beginning of your new life with powers had branded you forever as well; this was just another prove of that. A scar for life – the way you saw yourself after killing the scientists on accident, it was affecting you every goddamn minute of your existence and some were just more difficult than others.

“No matter the mistakes we have made, the lives lost on our watch – it doesn’t outweigh the good we’re doing,” he opposed you gently before turning back to Tony to make a point. “The good we might not be able to do if we sign.”

The billionaire huffed. “If we don’t do this now, it will be done to us later. That’s a fact. And it won’t be pretty.”

“You say they’ll come for me,” Wanda stated with scary steadiness to her voice and all eyes snapped to her.

“We would protect you.”

For some reason, Steve’s gut twisted at Vision’s measured voice. A discussion started all over again and Steve was slowly losing the grasp on who was on which side. He glanced your direction as you were observing the fighting team quietly, a troubled expression on your face – the very same he had seen all too often, every time you had come back to the compound.

With sudden urge to comfort you, he rose to his feet and made his way to you. It was when his phone vibrated in his pocket, announcing the worst possible news.

Peggy Carter had just died.

“I gotta go.”

────── ·❆· ──────

You had gone to London with him, together with Sam. It was… difficult. Soul-crashing. Steve knew that this day would come, possibly very soon, but it hit him like a train, the blow knocking him to the ground.

The blows just kept coming and Steve would love to make a cheeky comment about him being able to do that all day, but this beating was hitting him on places that really, really hurt and he couldn’t bear it. He cried when he carried the casket. He didn’t have the capacity to feel ashamed for it.

God knew you had been there for him as a silent support the whole time; even when he was shamelessly staring at the woman he knew as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and she introduced herself as Sharon Carter. Peggy’s niece.

To be fair, it wasn’t just the revelation of her relation to Peggy or her appearance – it was her, quoting an amazingly strong and inspirational woman, who had, just like Steve, always only wanted to do the right thing. It moved him in a way he wouldn’t be able to put into words if anyone asked him to do so.

You had given him a moment alone only when he had asked for it – you had left the church with everyone else.

It surprised him when he heard the door opening again after what could be a minute; but it wasn’t you. It was Natasha. Bringing up the issue of The Sokovia Accords that Steve had backburned without even realizing it.

His opinion hadn’t changed and he refused to leave to Vienna with Natasha. It was when you replaced her in the otherwise empty church, approaching him slowly and timidly, when he realized that you were about to that though.

“You’re coming with her,” he stated, unable to keep the bitterness off his tone.

Just another punch into his solar plexus. Sure. He could do this all day.

Your smaller hand caught his, for once warmer than his own despite the cold air of the church. Your eyes were on his too, searching in his face. He didn’t have the strength to hide anything from you now.

“Unless you want me to… no, not now. I don’t need to sign publicly – I’m a long way from Black Widow’s popularity and fame.”

“You know that’s not true,” he opposed wryly, too weak to snatch your hand away.

It felt too heavy against his, almost foreign; he hadn’t known if you had made up your mind and decided to sign, not until that moment, not for sure. Now he did. Yet, there was a comfort he was seeking in your touch, because it was something that always helped to calm him down, ground him. He was vainly chasing after the feeling now.

Sensing his struggle, you hesitantly brought your hand up to cup his cheek; on instinct more than anything else, he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. Your thumb skimmed over his skin, affectionate, giving.

“And you know I don’t need an audience,” you whispered. “I… I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Steve. I want to be here for you, if you want as well. Work can wait.”

Your words, your touch, your affection – it should all bring him peace, but it just wasn’t coming. His first true love had left this world, left him, and now it felt like you were leaving him too – leaving him behind and betraying an oath you had premised when you let him slip an engagement ring on your finger.

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Part 2 (the third and the fourth time)

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Thank you for reading!

I decided to post it here on tumblr in double-chapters, because they would be reatively short otherwise... but posting it as one monster chapter would be a bit much... I think.

Have a good start of your week!

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