#and then i realized i had to save myself and i was so sad. doctor save me my body hurty | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cariantha · 1 year

Text

Prom

Book: Open Heart, Book 2

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Sawyer Brooks)

Rating: Teen

Category: Fluff

Word count: 2.2K

Summary: Ethan helps Sawyer remedy one of her biggest regrets.

A/N: This fic was inspired by an ask from @jerzwriter who wanted to know whether Sawyer and Ethan attended their high school proms.

Sawyer slept peacefully in his arms for a couple of hours before waves of excruciating stomach aches began to crash over her. Having done everything he could medically, all Ethan could do now was hold her hand through it and hope that the others would be able to manufacture a miracle.

Sawyer could no longer diminish the severity of the pain. She cries and wraps her arms around her waist as the next bout of sharp cramping cripples her body.

“I know, Rookie… I know,” he gently rubs her back, feeling otherwise helpless. As her suffering subsides, Ethan eases her back against the pillow and dabs the tears from her face with a tissue. The dull reflection in her eyes concerns him. As the maitotoxin steals the strength from her body, the hopelessness of the situation robs her of the will to fight.

“What a waste,” she whispers looking up at the ceiling.

“What’s a waste?”

“My life.”

“How can you possibly think that?” he questions, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. With plastic-covered hands, he brushes some stray hairs from her face.

“I spent half of my life doing what I thought other people expected of me. I’ve spent the other half working myself to death to become a doctor. And for what? I’m finally at the finish line and it’s all been for nothing. I could have spent more time with my family. Hell, I could have had my own family by now. I could have traveled. I could have… I could have gone to prom!” she turns and sobs into the pillow.

“Sawyer, you can’t think like that. Don’t think about what you didn’t get to do. Think about what you’re going to do when you get out of this room.”

They both sit in silence for a moment when Ethan shakes his head with a chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” she asks, wiping away the new tears.

“Prom? Really? That’s one of your biggest regrets?” he laughs.

Sawyer plays it back in her head and starts laughing with him, realizing how ridiculous it sounded.

“It’s stupid, I know!” she admits, “But it was just one of those rites of passage moments that I missed out on.”

“Why didn’t you go? It’s hard to believe that no one asked the smartest and most beautiful girl in school.”

Sawyer can't help the big smile that spreads across her face. A small win for Ethan as he tries to keep her spirits up.

“Thank you. No one got the chance to ask because I graduated from high school a year early. I didn’t get to do any of the senior year stuff like spring break, ditch day, prom, graduation parties…”

“I didn’t go to my prom either.”

“Really? Why?”

“I couldn’t justify digging into my college savings for an over-the-top one-time date. My dad offered to help with a little extra cash, but I didn’t feel right accepting when he still had to work overtime to make ends meet. And honestly, there wasn’t anyone I was willing to suffer through that kind of evening with.”

“If I had been in your class, would you have asked me?”

Thinking of all the things he would have done differently since meeting Sawyer, “I would have been the first in line to ask and I would have spent my whole damn savings just to impress you.”

She holds onto that thought as another agonizing wave of pain rolls over her.

********************

It’s been several months since the attack and Sawyer slips into a period of depression, the aftermath still too heavy a burden at times. All that hangs in the air as a result of the impending hospital closure causes overwhelming anxiety and sadness.

Ethan begins to notice the signs. Lack of interest. Withdrawal. Tiredness. Dwelling on the past.

To his credit, Ethan’s made quite the effort to remedy his biggest regret. Determined to make every precious moment count, he holds Sawyer in his arms every chance he gets and shows her as often as possible just how much she means to him. But he wants to do something more. Provide a distraction. Give her something to look forward to. Make up for lost time and missed chances. And that’s when the idea comes to him. He’s going to take Sawyer to prom.

********************

“Hey, Dr. Hottie! What brings you to my neck of the woods?”

“Kyra,” he warns.

“Sorry. I need to remember you can report me to HR now,” she laughs. “What’s up, Doc?”

“I was hoping for your assistance with a personal matter.” Ethan takes a seat in front of her desk and explains his idea. “Given your experience with event planning, I figured you’d be the best person to ask. So, what do you think?”

“What I think, Dr. Ro-man-sey… is you just got my vote for prom king.”

Rolling his eyes at the new nickname, “Ok, so where should we start?”

********************

A few days later, Ethan is in the cafeteria waiting in line for the cashier. From behind him, he hears, “Hi, Dr. Ramsey!”

“Trinh.”

“Kyra filled us in last night and I’m so excited for Sawyer. Let me know if I can help in any way.”

“Thank you.”

“So, how are you planning to ask her?”

“I was going to mention it tonight during dinner.”

“No, no, no,” she shakes her head, “You have to come up with a cute prom proposal.”

“A what?”

As they reach the register, Ethan pays for both of their lunches.

“Thank you!” She follows him to a table, sits down, and continues. “A prom proposal. Hold on… let me show you.”

Sienna pulls out her phone and opens the Pinterest app. She starts showing Ethan the different ideas and he vehemently shakes his head.

“No.”

“Ethan, it’s a major part of the prom experience nowadays.”

As he pinches the bridge of his nose, Sienna scrolls down the page, commenting on the different photos. “What about this one?... Ooh, this would be super cute… Aww, look how sweet…”

“Go back up,” he instructs and points. “That one.”

She pauses to consider, realizing that was probably as “cute” as it was going to get coming from Ethan Ramsey. “Yeah, that’s perfect. Here’s what I think you should do…”

********************

The next day, Ethan asks Sawyer to meet him for an afternoon break at Derry Roasters. He arrives twenty minutes beforehand to place a special order with the friendly barista who is more than happy to accommodate.

Arriving right on time, Sawyer greets him with a quick peck. “Hi.”

“Hi. I placed our order already,” pulling a chair out for her to sit. He notices the slump of her shoulders and the circles under her eyes. He reaches for her hand and holds it in her lap until their order is called.

“For Ethan!” the barista shouts.

“Here you go,” Ethan returns, strategically setting the cup in front of Sawyer.

“Thank y– wait, I don’t think this is mine,” she responds, looking around the café for a pair of teenagers.

“That’s your usual. It’s what I ordered.”

“Yeah, but it says, ‘Prom?’ I think this is meant to ask someone to prom,” showing him the writing on the cup.

“It is. So? Will you go to prom with me?”

“What?” she giggles, looking at him like he’s crazy.

“I want to take you to prom.”

Ethan can see the smile starting to form at the corner of her lips and a twinkle of excitement in her eyes.

Raising her eyebrows, “How are you going to do that?”

“I have my ways.”

“And when is this happening?”

“Saturday after next. You can go dress shopping this weekend.”

As she looks at the cup in her hand again, a huge smile spreads across her face. Her eyes start to glisten with happy tears and she moves into Ethan’s lap wrapping her arms around his neck. Placing a gentle kiss on his lips, “I would love to go to prom with you, Ethan.”

“Sawyer! Your date is here!” Sienna sings out. She and the other roommates all gather in the living room to see their friend’s grand entrance.

With one last check in the mirror, Sawyer makes her way down the hall. A vision in glittering gold sequins, but it's the sparkle that has returned to her emerald eyes that captures Ethan’s attention.

“Hi,” welcoming him with an uncontrollable smile. Her fingers run over the lapel of his tuxedo jacket, “Wow, you look great.”

“And you look–”

“Appropriate?” she teases.

“Will that joke ever get old?” he wonders out loud. Leaning close to her ear, “I was going to say hot. If we didn’t have an audience right now…” he trails off placing a kiss on her cheek. Offering his arm, “Shall we?”

“Oh, real quick. Si? Would you mind taking a couple of pictures before we go?”

Minutes later they step out onto the street and Sawyer can’t believe her eyes. “You rented a limo?”

“Of course I did. It’s the prom.” As the chauffeur comes around to open the door, Ethan reaches into his pocket. “I have something for you. Hold out your hand. It’s not the traditional flower corsage…” he explains clasping a vintage Tiffany’s bracelet around her wrist, “but I wanted you to have something to always remember this night.”

Looking up into his sincere eyes, she kisses him. “How could I ever forget?” wrapping her arms around his waist, “And in case I forget to tell you later... thank you for the most amazing night.”

While Ethan and Sawyer enjoy a five-star meal at an exclusive restaurant downtown, her friends change and head to the venue with their plus ones.

As the limo pulls up in front of the hotel and the chauffeur opens the door, Sawyer immediately spots a familiar face. “Alan?” she meets with a hug. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I had to see my boy off to his first prom and get a photo for the mantel.” Taking a step back he squared up his phone, “Squeeze together and say ‘Prom!’”

Alan escorts them inside, and when Sawyer enters the beautifully decorated ballroom, her eyes begin to swell. There is a dance floor in the middle of the room flanked by a couple of tables on each side. On stage, a live band plays a Bruno Mars’ cover of “Just the Way You Are”, a popular song from the year Sawyer graduated high school. As she turns to Ethan, she sees a small crowd gathering behind them.

“What?!,” she spins around in shock, “I can’t believe you were all in on this!”

She hugs each of her friends and exchanges pleasantries with the newcomers. Elijah and Phoebe. Bryce came with his kid sister, Keiki. Jackie, Aurora, and Kyra with dates that Sawyer hadn’t met before. And Rafael who had suggested to Sienna that they go together, knowing she was still struggling to move on after Danny.

Off to the side, Sawyer noticed one other person.

“And where’s your date, handsome?” she kisses the older man on the cheek.

“Oh, I’m not here as a guest, my dear. I’m your chaperone for this lovely event,” Naveen jokingly clarifies.

“Well, I’m going to save you a dance anyway. As you know, I sort of have a thing for authority figures,” she quips, backing up and wrapping an arm around Ethan’s waist.

As the evening carries on, Sawyer hits the dance floor with her friends. Ethan cuts in for nearly every slow dance, only allowing turns for Alan and Naveen. Sawyer tries to get Ethan to stay for a couple of upbeat songs. Arm looped behind her and around his neck, she rocks her hips from side to side. Ethan stands in place, and with his hands on her swaying hips, it looks as though he’s moving along to the beat.

When the band starts playing another lively tune, Ethan makes his way to the bar for a drink.

“It’s like a trial run!” Naveen shouts over the music.

Alan clinks his glass against Naveen’s.

“What are you two conspiring about now?” Ethan interrupts.

“Naveen was just saying tonight could be seen as a trial run… for you know… da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum,” Alan hums with a crooked smile.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Ethan rolls his eyes and moves around them. “Bartender, a double?”

After Sienna surprises them both by announcing Ethan as prom king and crowning Sawyer prom queen, the evening begins to wind down. Naveen offers to give Alan a lift back to Ethan’s apartment. The friend group splits off, some heading home while others continue their date night activities elsewhere.

Sawyer finds Ethan, his hand outstretched to tuck her into his arms.

“This has been the most amazing night. I don’t want it to be over yet,” she breathes into his chest while squeezing him.

“It doesn’t have to be,” he says, holding up a hotel key card. “I’ve arranged for a private afterparty in a suite upstairs.” Leaning down to whisper into her ear, “If you think I’m not going to make a play on my girlfriend and try to steal her prom virginity… you’ve misjudged me.”

“Well then, consider yourself lucky, Ethan Ramsey. Because I was definitely planning to put out for you tonight.”

Tag List: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics @potionsprefect @jamespotterthefirst @annfg8 @peonierose @socalwriterbee @tessa-liam @jerzwriter @quixoticdreamer16 @mysticalgalaxysstuff @inlocusmads @txemrn @trappedinfanfiction @mvalentine @takemyopenheart @ofmischiefandmedicine @openheartforeverinmyheart @doriopenheart @coffeeheartaddict2 @genevievemd @starrystarrytrouble @hopelessromantic1352 @kyra75 @lsvdw-blog

#open heart #open heart choices #open heart fanfic #ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #ethan x sawyer #choices stories you play #choices open heart #playchoices #choices fic writers creations #cfwc fics of the week #manips

67 notes · View notes

whats-wild-to-you · 8 months

Text

Dr. Daredevil (Jay Park AU)

Chaeyeon

'Nurse Jung could become an issue.'

I replayed Kang Hyuntae's words in my mind over and over again.

Jaebeom had left for the hospital but insisted that I stayed here and, as he so eloquently put it, heal.

I was absentmindedly chewing on my french toast when I heard the front door spring open. Thinking that Jaebeom came back because he forgot something, I jumped on my feet, eager to meet him halfway.

Only when I stared into the cold eyes of his grandfather, I realized I was wearing one of Jaebeom's shirt that barely covered my ass.

"Figures." The old man commented dryly.

"Mr. Park, I-"

"Save it. I'll wait here while you get dressed."

Much to my surprise I complied and shuffled back to the bedroom, picking up my clothes that there scattered all over the floor.

"I had no idea Jae-"

"That stupid immature boy really thinks he can keep secrets from me."

"I-"

"Let's get to the point of my surprise visit. Ms. Baek, I'll make it quick. I want you gone! Out of my grandson's bed, and life. Out of Seoul. Tell me, how much will it cost?"

I was so taken aback that for a moment I was glad that I didn't sell my parents's house in Andong. But then I came back to my senses. Jaebeom's grandfather was controlling his life and maybe he was intimidating enough to threaten a few more people but he wouldn't succeed with me.

"I'm not quitting!"

"I gathered that much. I'm sad to say that leaves only one option."

He turned on his feet and left without finishing his thought, but I had a pretty good idea about what was going to happed. He would get me fired. I had no doubt that Jaebeom's grandfather possessed that kind of power. All I could hope for was that Kim Donghyun wouldn't let himself get bullied by an old man with money.

Kang Hyuntae

The minute I saw Chaeyeon walking towards me, I knew something was wrong. All her measly attempts to appear busy and dodge everyone who tried to approach her couldn't fool me.

When she passed by me, nodding her head in greeting, I grabbed her arm and dragged her inside the nearest supply closet.

"What the fuck is wrong?"

"With you? I'd say a lot!"

"Quit bullshitting. What happened?"

She pushed past me, shooting me a warning glare. I decided to let her go, I'd approach her later when she had time to cool off.

But I didn't see her for the rest of the day, and stayed well after I was done with work, waiting for her.

Chaeyeon

Thank God my day turned out to be busy. I welcomed the workload, as it kept my mind from spiraling. There was no doubt in my mind that Jaebeom's grandfather had threatened me. I needed someone to confide in, but I couldn't talk to either Jaebeom or Dr. Kang.

Twelve hours after I entered the hospital this morning I checked up on my last patient and handed my files to the night nurse. My job here was done and I had earned myself a hot bath and a warm meal at home.

"Dr. Baek?"

I turned around, looking into the frightened eyes of a younger doctor.

"The director wants to see you."

Even though I was desperate to take a quick shower and change out of these filthy scrubs, I nodded and changed my direction, walking towards the elevators.

At an easy pace I walked up to Kim Donghyun's office. I had caught a rare case earlier. A patient who came in, displaying conflicting symptoms. Every doctor was in his room, trying to figure out what was wrong with the man, but in the end it was me who diagnosed him correctly. I guess word travelled back to Kim Donghyun and he wanted to congratulate me. Maybe even present me with a premium. Already schemening about how I would spent the money, I pushed down the handle, casually walking in and plopping down on his comfortable couch.

"Hello, Mr. Kim." I said in a chipper tone.

Kim Donghyun looked up from his folder, acknowledging my presence.

"Dr. Baek, you're here."

I was still on a high from my earlier success that I failed to hear the dull tone in his voice.

"I heard you had an interesting case earlier..."

I was grinning from ear to ear, impatiently waiting to hear about my reward.

"... which makes what I'm about to say even more difficult. Dr. Baek, I'm sorry but you're fired."

It was as if someone had dropped a bucket of ice cold water over my head. I was petrified, my mind was racing to make sense of what I just heard, yet I couldn't move my lips to utter that one word swirling around in my head.

Why?

I watched as Kim Donghyun shifted his focus back on the folder on his desk, indicating that our conversation was over.

Just like that?

Fired?

Without any plausible reason?

Really?, the voice in my head screamed.

It took all my willpower to get up and leave his office with my head held high, when all I wanted to do was cry, drop down on my knees and beg him to change his mind.

You know why you're fired!, a much smaller voice answered in my head as I finally shuffled out of his office.

It appeared that Jaebeom's grandfather was a lot more powerful than I had imagined.

Not wanting to deal with anyone, I just exited the hospital, needing to get far away from this place. In reality I was cowering on a park bench in a nearby park, waiting for the time to pass. Eventually I had to go back for my clothes and stuff but the later it got the bigger were my chances to walk into an empty hospital.

It was close to midnight when I heaved my body off the wooden park bench and began walking towards the building. I passed by the security guard who greeted me and turned left heading towards the cafeteria. It was a shortcut. If I took the emergency staircase up to the fourth floor I could avoid the night nurse too.

"There you are!" I heard someone call after me.

I immediately recognized his voice. Moments later he emerged from the shadows.

"Maybe you want to talk about it now?"

"What's the point? You already know!"

"I do. You got fired. Did you run into Jaebeom's grandfather? Where? Did he threaten you? Ask you to leave? Talk to me!"

I cringed when Kang Hyuntae mentioned Jaebeom. For a moment I wondered if he knew. If I would find a dozen unanswered calls and messages on my phone.

"He doesn't know. He left early."

Does that mean everybody else in this hospital knows I was fired?

"I just came back to get my stuff."

"What will you do?"

I just shook my head, unable to form a coherent thought. I'd have to confront myself at some point and seek answers to these questions, but not tonight.

Jaebeom

After I had left work early, I had dinner with some businessmen my grandfather insisted I had to meet. Dinner led to drinks, which led to more drinks at a bar and by the end of the night I was drunk and had to call a substitute driver.

I barely made it into my apartment and sulked when I realized Chaeyeon wasn't there. Surely she must've seen the key I left for her on the shoe rack. I smiled to myself, realizing I probably had to spell it out for her.

I didn't think I was ready for her to move in permanently but I definitely wanted her to use the key and make a surprise appearance every now and then.

My last thought before I drifted off to sleep was how the sheets still smelled like her and how that was the closest this place ever felt to a home.

I texted Chaeyeon first thing in the morning, asking if we could meet outside the hospital for lunch. When I didn't get a text back I chalked it up to her busy schedule. As I walked in through the door I texted Hyuntae, asking him to meet me in my office.

When he showed up, he looked like he had a rough night and an even rougher morning.

"Everything okay? You look like crap."

He nodded, but there was surprise, astonishment and worry in his eyes. His lips formed into an o-shape and he avoided eye contact.

"You're being weird today. Weirder than usual. Hey, have you seen Chaeyeon this morning? She must be super busy!"

He shook his head, trying to squeeze his body past mine even though I was effectively blocking the door.

When I fixated my stare on him he sighed before racking his fingers through his hair.

"Last night Kim fired Chaeyeon."

"What?" The word came out as a angry roar.

Why didn't she contact me? Why didn't Kim contact me?

"I don't know the specifics, all I know is that this has Park Min Gu written all over it!"

"My grandfather? Why would h-" The words stuck in my throat. Of course he would do something like that. He probably had planned it all along.

"I tried to talk to her, yesterday morning, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong with her!"

"Yesterday morning?!"

My mind was going a mile a minute. I left in my apartment yesterday morning. Could my gr- No! Impossible. I bought the apartment with my own money, using an alias. There's no way he found out I own it. But what if he-

"Fuck! Do you know where she is right now?"

"No idea. I tried to call her but her phone must be turned off."

"What about Lee Kangmin?" I hated this guy with a passion but he was Chaeyeon's friend. Maybe he knew something.

Kang Hyuntae's face lit up. "I didn't even think about asking him. I'll track him down and see what I can find out. I'll text you as soon as I know more."

He patted my shoulder and left me alone with my thoughts.

This time the chairman went definitely too far.

Chaeyeon

Soojung loaded my plate with scrambled eggs and french toast and placed a mug of black coffee next to it.

"Eat. Then talk." She demanded, while angrily stabbing the scrambled eggs with her fork.

I had showed up at her door late last night and initially offered no explanation for my sudden visit.

Instead I noticed the absence of her husband, but not only he was gone. His stuff was gone too.

'We're not going to talk about my failed marriage when you look like you've been crying. Spit it out or I'll make you!'

Soojung had always been intimidating, but because I was her friend I was immune to it. Last night though she was terrifying, so I gave her the Reader's Digest version before curling up into a ball on the couch and falling asleep.

After I had told her the whole story over breakfast the next morning, she sighed, impatiently tapping her perfectly manicured nails on the marble counter.

"What are you going to do next?"

"What else? I'm going back to Andong."

"No way! You have to stay and fight. They can't fire you like this!"

"What's the point? Jaebeom's grandfather has too much influence! I can stay but I won't get hired by another hospital in this city! Mr. Park made sure of that."

"What will you do about Jaebeom? I'm sure he's going to call when he finds out what the old man did. Are you going to ignore him?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "They're family."

"And you really want to go?"

"Want, no! But I have no choice. I'm going to call Hwang Inseok and beg for my old job back, and pray that the news haven't reached his ears yet."

My genius plan backfired, royally, when Hwang Inseok ignored all my calls.

An unnerving thought sat in the pit of my stomach. Did the old man's power reach so far that he was able to manipulate Hwang Inseok too?

Surely that wouldn't be the case, but I had to see for myself. I had to go to Andong and see Hwang Inseok in person.

After charging my phone, I switched it back on and, no surprise, found several dozen messaged and missed calls from Jaebeom. Out of instinct, I blocked his number and asked Soojung for the keys to her car.

-> next chapter

#jay park #park jaybum #park jaebum #park jaebeom #more soju please #more vision #aomg jay park #jay park aomg #h1ghrmusic #h1ghrgang #aomg imagines #aomg scenarios #aomg fanfic #jay park imagines #jay park scenarios #jay park fanfic #khh imagines #khh fanfic

17 notes · View notes

kimmykoosh · 26 days

Text

Finished all DLC's for New Vegas. Here's what my review of them so far, according to the order I played. Very biased and contained opinions.

Old World Blues (Science fantasy gone wrong).

My first entry to the new world. After failing to make it out from Think Tank for a 987- a couple of tries, I manage to keep myself alive for most of the expedition here. Best DLC in my opinion. New world, so much to discover, new guns, everything is out there to kill you, great. Story wise, I admit, I had to provide extra attention to differentiate the doctors here without confusing things. Most of the science fiction things they often described and the references they gave are all over my head and often made me sleeepy. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE the personified helpers. Sinks, doc, the sexy jukebox and the plant seed thing that helped me too many times in making things. The scientists came to grew on me. I like the suit talking to me because it's lonely being by yourself in an empty world :')))

TLDR; All the science fiction things are snoozefest, but I am still alive after got shot in the head, getting labotomized AND played around with my organs. NPC's are fun and have many personalities. Lots of new weapons, upgrades and big place to make my stimpaks. 10/10 would give Muggy more coffee mugs for his sanity.

Honest Hearts (A much more vertically challenging desert with a view. )

Entered this with half of my things, and a heartache coz I actually reseted 4 times just to save my Caravan crew. And accidentally shot Follows-Chalk because I thought he was a baddie before I realize I'd done goofed up. Story wise, the whole thing was okay. Nothing much I'd care since Salt-Upon-Wounds will kill me regardless if I'm doing pacifist or not. I did enjoy getting high to fight a ghost bear. The map was big enough for me to find everything, but didn't make me care for it much. Joshua Graham is okay, but he didn't like me raiding his stuffs to make bullets that fucker has a bajillions of pistols wtf rude.

TLDR; Forgetable DLC, NPC is one-sided. But the view though. Plentiful mountains, greeneries and high skies. Also lots of fresh water. Sometimes rain. That's new. Weapons are, meh. Useful if you use unarmed or melee. 4/10, would kill more Yao Guai.

Dead Money (Ghost Town Heist With the Gang. )

Started this with a bump on the head (poor Courier holy shit) The only DLC that made me feel challenged because of the constant ducks and sneaking. The Ghost People are creepy and also hard to hit. I cant remember how many times I had to look down and check at my feet or I'll be blown up and get detected. The place is very barren of any places to make stuffs and bullets so you'll learn to adapt with alternate weapons and use any ammo you do have or get, while the Sierra Madre vending machine becoming your next best friend. The NPC's though. The beeping on my neck will haunt me for the rest of my days and I get that casino Obsessed freak to thank for. I'm sad I didnt get too much time with Christine, because she seemed to be a great character towards the end. Dean Domino is a charismatic asshat that gives out very convenient stashes everywhere, but we didn't get to be friends. I did like him though, brilliant mind, just doesn't trust in people. Didn't get to know much about God, coz Dog is too fun and made me feel safe from the people. Story wise, it's very well paced. Though after I opened up the casino, and darted through ALL the ghost people in town by myself, I cant help but noticed I missed something else, but the collar keeps on killing me and I had to go to the next place without checking. Just wished I can check it myself without dying.

TLDR; DLC's challenging, but not that you can't do it. You can do this without killing as much of the Ghost People if you can. Story is rich in juicy details. Betrayal, conflict, and also, plain love. Always love Laura Bailey inside as Vera Keyes. 8/10 for exploding collars.

Lonesome Road (The Sad Tale of the 2 Couriers. )

The only DLC that has a history of the player in past tense, other than being dead, and a mailman. This also introduces our antagonist of the DLC, Ulysses. A very angry ghost who talk through EdE.

Okay, Ulysses is interesting. We got to know about him more throughout the DLC. His history and how he came to here. Interestingly he knew about the factions in New Vegas and everything that is happening there. He is honestly my saving grace in this DLC, but god, his prosses and the way he talks is so BORING. Often I had to relax and do something else for me to understand much about what he is saying. Does that outed me for being an idiot? Maybe? I guess coming from the Legion, he has a style of talking that is unique.

As for the rest of the playthrough, the DLC provides a different thing in going through the whole map. We get to use the laser blaster to blast through and open up certain sections of the blocked roads. Other than some extra weapons, the map and gameplay was decent. I certainly didnt expect to see the Deathclaws coming in here.

TLDR; A very good connection towards Ulysses, a fellow courier that saw our work, and then blamed us for nuking the entire map. Among all of the DLC's I enjoyed this one for the courier per courier connection. I dont really enjoy the Deathclaws and the long and frivolous way to get to Ulysses' hideout. 4/10 for more couriers sending bombs towards the Mojave wastelands, to combat Ulysses' boring speech.

#fallout new vegas #fnv #fallout new vegas dlc #old world blues #lonesome road #honest hearts #dead money #kimmyplz

3 notes · View notes

blueberrypancakesworld · 1 year

Text

The arrival - Chapter 1

warning : comfort , tiny angst , little emotional , fluff , making friends

next chapter , masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Earth, a planet which in the drawings, the old books, the old documents was once a beautiful blue planet. For millions of years it was, until the people exaggerated it. Now it was nothing but a dying planet that could not heal itself. Not if humans continued to live on it.

It was a sadness to see all this, a sadness she only saw in part. ,,Miss, is this going to be on the test?" she heard the question of one of her students as she moved away from the blackboard. ,,Yes, it will be, I want you all to look at the plants on page one hundred and two by the day after tomorrow. The phenotypic and genotypic structure will be covered," she explained, smiling as she heard the sighs and laughter of some.

She let her gaze wander, saw the colors passing through her vision, the light from above coming from the lamps, the little light from outside.

She had her own vision. ,,So please-," she began, but stopped when the door to her room opened. Who is that? she asked herself, not recognizing the footsteps.

They were not the happy ones of the teenagers, or the bouncing ones of the children. But neither were they the determined ones of the other teachers. They were heavier, more disciplined. ,,How can I help the military?" she asked, looking at them questioningly.

Her reluctance was subliminal in her question. She did not see it and yet her students seemed to giggle. ,,Please, students, go take a break," she said and waited until all the students had withdrawn. ,,Sorry to disturb you, Miss Wilder, could we have a few minutes?" asked a man walking towards her. Leaning against her table, she sighed.

,,Why? If you've already sought me out, you should know my dislike for you," she said snappishly, folding her arms in front of her chest. ,,We are not here because of our dislikes. We are here to make you an offer," he said, and she heard his dislike as well.

Shaking her head slightly, she reached for her bag before taking her folded cane and walking past the two. ,,No interest and stay away from me," she warned and had already put her hand on the handle when his voice went through the quiet classroom, ,,Not even if we give you a trip to Pandora and funded research as well as the opportunity to see again". She stopped.

Her hand hung over the corner of the clinic, slowly realizing what he meant. Despite all the technology on Earth, nothing was free. And getting her vision back was something she could not afford. One thing she had to accept. The possibilities that opened up.

The possible journey to the planet she had been admiring, learning about, writing her thesis about since she was a student. The planet she emptied at school in the hope that the younger ones would try to save what could be saved. The plants and animals, the miracles she heard. A paid research, with like-minded people.

The possibility of seeing again, the possibility of seeing Pandora and not the broken earth. ,,What do you want from me?" she asked and turned to the two. She didn't know if they were smiling or not.

It was all the same and yet she hated herself for her weakness. ,,They are involved in our research. You have all the resources you need on Pandora, in return you just give us some data about nature" he said almost too easily.

A simple offer, but an offer that hurt. Am I cheating myself? she asked herself, not knowing if she was. ,,You would join Doctor Augustine's research, a project with the inhabitants of the planet," he added, and even if she didn't see him, she knew he could already guess her decision. ,,Doctor Augustine...how long has she been there?" she asked another question, hoping to avert her decision.

Not to give people the satisfaction of needing her. ,,It's been a while, but it's clear that we don't want to do without you. Your studies of plants are important, despite the fact that you have never been to Pandora, and your results are a source of research, teaching and study," he said.

She shook her head again, knowing that if she did, her life would probably change. But did she want to? Of course, and yet she left her students alone. They will understand, she thought to herself, thinking about her lessons, the happy stories, the films and the lectures.

They would manage without her. ,,You don't have to read my life to me...when do we start?" she said, avoiding their gaze. Even if she did not see them, she knew that they were smiling.

Maybe she was cheating herself by working for the men she hated, the men who mined and threatened Pandora. And yet the prospect of finally going to Pandora, feeling nature, studying it, watching it.

To get her sight back. A chance to see Pandora. ,,Tomorrow morning I'll be glad to have her with me," she heard him say before he held out his hand to her. ,,I'll be at the dock," she said dismissively before walking out, leaving them both behind. Her heart was beating too fast for her own good.

The excitement flowing through her was indescribable. I'm going to see Pandora, it went through her mind and she couldn't help but smile happily.

Walking down the hallway, she was about to disappear into the teachers' lounge when she heard the quick footsteps of her students. ,,What did they want from you?" asked James, a young boy standing excitedly with the others in front of them.

Her smile faded a little. ,,I'm going to Pandora," she said and was about to start explaining when she was almost knocked over by her students. The children hugged her warmly and she could hear the sounds of joy.

She was moved by the children's congratulations and cheers. ,,You are happy for me?" she asked, slightly surprised, and stood upright without being knocked down again. ,,Of course, you have told us so many times about Pandora", ,,You must send us photos and videos",,Yes, by all means, we want to see something too" came the explanations and she couldn't help but get a few tears of joy. ,,I will definitely do it, I promise" she said and promised to send a photo to each of them.

It touched her immensely that her students were so supportive. I have achieved something she thought hopefully and was grateful for the support of her students. But not only her students, but also the other teachers and her mother were happy for her.

Her mother even baked her a cake and they both celebrated a little together. But the later it got the more nervous she became and the doubts came. ,,What if I'm useless?" she revealed one of her worries to her mother as they sat at the table and ate dinner together.

Her mother's loving gaze did not reach her, but she felt her mother's hand on her. ,,My darling, you are not useless. You are an expert, my wonderful expert. You are the best researcher I know and that Doctor Augustine is lucky to have you," her mother cheered her up before she stood up and pulled her into a hug.

,,Remember, sweetheart, you don't have a weakness, you have a gift," she heard her mother say lovingly and felt the kiss on her head. ,,Thanks mom" she said and gave her a hug before they cleaned up and washed up together. ,,A gift," she thought, smiling slightly sadly. Blind.

She had been blind since her teenage years. She knew colors, how her environment looked, how most things looked. She saw things on her own things. The colors she saw replaced her vision and the images in her head were her own imagination. But Pandora.

Would be a completely different world in the true sense of the word. ,,I'm going to bed, have a good night" she heard her mother say through the small apartment. ,,All right, good night mom," she replied and waited until she heard the door close.

A sigh came over her lips as she moved towards the small shelf. ,,Hey Dad" she said and stroked the photo that was there. ,,I won't be around for a while...I'm on Pandora you know. They need me for their research. I don't know if I'll be back to be honest. Take care of mom until I get back" she told him everything and for a moment she hoped he heard her.

He just had to hear her. She stroked the picture one last time before disappearing into her own room. Undressing and slipping into her pajamas she lay down. The blanket was warm and seemed to wrap around her like a protective embrace. ,,It will be all right," she murmured before lying down on her side and closing her eyes.

But her night was not dark, it was full of dreams, dreams with colors, strange beings, stories. It was the time when she saw again, felt the world, it was her favorite time.

As if she could switch off from everything and finally see the real wonders again. The colors in her dreams changed to colorful plants, shining trees, many different animals like she had never seen before.

The forest around her seemed endless and yet was not threatening. The forest seemed to welcome her, to watch her. ,,Come to me, my child," she heard a voice she had never heard before. Her footsteps were cautious as she walked forward, the colors seemed to never stop, always reshaping themselves. It was unbelievable.

Suddenly, something like a giant tree appeared in front of her, but it seemed to be in motion. Its branches moved up and down as if it were really alive. She wanted to move forward, it seemed as if the voice would come from there.

Before she heard a screech in the sky. Looking up in confusion, she saw that the colors were broken by bright light and an eagle was circling in the sky. But before she could observe it further, the animal swooped down straight toward her. And with the stretching of his claws he collided with her.

Opening her eyes, she found herself back in reality. Her heart beat fast, her vision calmed down and was replaced by darker colors. Not as beautifully luminous as those in her dream. ,,What was that?" she murmured questioningly and ran her hand over her face.

But her eyes were still there. The eagle had not scratched them out. How could he? It wouldn't change her vision.

Sighing, she took the blanket off herself, got up and went into the bathroom to get ready. The cold water of the shower was pleasant on her warm heated skin. It not only cooled but also seemed to take away the pain. Since her blindness, her eyes sometimes hurt, but only after dreaming.

It seemed as if her dream vision was straining her nerves too much and resisting it. It will be alright she thought as she tied the towel around herself and went back to her room to pack her things. ,,Y/n honey coffee?" she heard her mother ask at the entrance of her door before the click of the light switch sounded. ,,Coffee, and you know I don't need it," she replied, shaking her head at the lack of light from the lamp. She knew her room inside out.

Only the light made the colors seem a bit brighter which hardly changed anything. ,,I know but you like the bright things" her mother said lovingly before she started to make the coffee. Continuing to pack her things, she came out of the room dressed in her clothes a short time later.

The smell of the fresh coffee rose in her nose and she went into the kitchen. ,,Thank you" she said before taking the cup from her mother and leaning against the kitchen table. ,,How are you?" the older woman asked and took a sip of her drink as well. ,,Excited, I mean, this is the planet I always wanted to go to. It's what I studied for, but it's also scary...Pandora is dangerous," she admitted, feeling her mother's hand on her shoulder.

,,Earth is also dangerous and you have adapted. The school, the streets, our apartment. You know your way around better than anyone else. Your colors show you the way," she said, knowing how her daughter was adapting.

She learned her surroundings and remembered people. ,,I will always be with you...your father too" she reminded and the younger one heard the jingling of something metal. ,,Here, this belonged to your father," said the older one, putting the dog tag chain in her daughter's hand. ,,I can't accept this," she protested, wanting to give it back, but her mother shook her head. Instead, she put a hand on her daughter's cheek.

Tears had gathered in her mother's eyes even if she did not see them. ,, I and your father are so proud of you. Keep this close to you so we can be with you," she heard her mother's brittle voice before they hugged. ,,I promise I will," she heard back, just as touched, and she already missed the security she felt. After they both talked a little more they decided it was time. She could not be too late.

The cab they had ordered drove them to the drop-off point. It was an environment in which she was only rarely. Too many people, too loud and too confusing.

Because of the many boxes, containers and machines that were moving, she could not get a clear picture. ,,I love you and I'll take care of you," her mother said as they stood in front of the cab. The bag with her things hung over her shoulder.

The chain around her neck jingled lightly as she wrapped her mother in a final hug. ,,I will, as soon as I get there, I'll send you photos and videos, I promise," she replied, wrapping her mother in a final hug. She detached herself and unfolded her blind cane before heading for the transport vehicle.

She tried to get a picture of it, to figure it out. She dodged a machine coming toward her. She went around a crate and kept going, but at the latest when she heard a ,,Watch out!" she knew that she had almost run into something. ,,Sorry" she apologized and waited for an answer, but it didn't come.

Astonished, she turned around to find the noise. Rollers? she asked herself and tried to listen more carefully. ,,Hey, do you need help?" asked a friendly male voice. She was not quite clear as if he was below her. She looked down and carefully moved her cane forward. A wheelchair she recognized and decided to go the friendly way.

She held out her hand to him, which was accepted after a short hesitation. ,,Hi, I'm Y/n Wilder Biologist, I'm supposed to be on this transporter, you too?" she asked, smiling slightly at him.

He seemed slightly surprised by her question and cleared his throat. ,,Ehm I am Jake Sully was taken here because of my brother as a soldier as I see we are already two side groups" he tried to ease the mood a little. ,,Side groups?" she echoed and started to move again but heard him next to her.

,,Well, me in a wheelchair, you blind, that's a good team for application photos and the press," he joked, and she understood what he meant. ,,Then we are probably the cool special cases" she joked and they both smiled a little.

Together they got in and even though she didn't want to, she stuck with Jake. Better to have some eyes she thought to herself before they both stopped and waited for someone.

Since they both didn't know where exactly they were going. ,,Ah Miss Wilder how nice to see you here I see you already made friends.Sully your brother is waiting for you back there. For you, Miss, just go down the hall, I'll walk with you a bit" she heard the same voice of the man as yesterday.

His footsteps hadn't changed either, at least she could still make that out among all the noise. ,,Well then, Jake, I hope to see you again," she said and shook his hand in conclusion. ,,We have to fulfill the quotas," he called after her and she smiled. ,,What kind of quotas?" the soldier asked, but she waved him off. ,,You wouldn't understand a joke, so where is my capsule?" she asked and walked next to the man.

She knew that she could only reach Pandora in cyrosleep, but still. ,,Maybe I'm dreaming again" she thought when she arrived at the capsule. ,,Here's your stuff, you can give it to me, I'll stow it," he said and she suspected a slight smile on his face. ,,Thank you," she said curtly before putting her hand on the capsule.

It was cool, no wonder the metal and the special compunents were made for sleeping in space. ,,Miss would you please get ready" she heard a strange voice.

But a certain smell of disinfectant was in the air. A doctor or a nurse, she thought. ,,Sure," she said curtly and began with the preparations. Minutes later she was ready in the capsule, waiting to fall asleep and wake up on Pandora. She took a deep breath and surprisingly the capsule was comfortable.

It was quiet and the sounds of the crew's machines were barely audible. ,,Two more minutes," she heard the doctor say and tried to relax further. Her hand closed around the chain.

The metal was cool and yet reassuring. For a moment, she imagined her father. How he hugged her and saw her off with her mother. A beautiful thought.

Until it suddenly became cold. Colder than anything she had ever felt. I'm freezing alive, she thought, and even though the feeling was strange, she wasn't afraid. She would never see the end, only the surge of colors would show her the end. Taking a last breath she felt herself getting more and more tired.

Before she fell asleep surrounded not by darkness but by the same bright colors that greeted her. How long had she been lying there? How long had she been sleeping? Decades, days, minutes she did not know. But it didn't matter because she had her colors.

The colors of her dreams, the same forest. The same landscape was beautiful. She wandered through the forest, looked at the plants, saw the animals that passed her by.

Saw the bright blue sky, the clouds. ,,Pandora" came softly over her lips and she ran over a bright plant before it suddenly retracted and hid its blossom. She smiled and began to touch the other flowers and they all retracted.

She had touched the last one when a breeze passed through the forest. Blossoms and leaves were stirred up and danced around her. ,,My child, come here," she heard that voice again and looked around.

The giant tree had reappeared and was moving its branches. She walked towards it and tried to reach it. But no matter how fast she ran, the tree kept disappearing. It remained unreachable.

She suddenly heard another screech. Her gaze went to the sky where she saw the eagle again. Knowing what would happen, she hid under the large leaves of a plant.

But the eagle did not come, she heard neither the screeching nor the fluttering of its wings. She winced as she suddenly heard a crackling sound coming from behind her in the forest. Not daring to turn around, she tried to remain calm.

If she didn't move, whatever it was might stay away. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, whirling around to ward off something if possible, but she only met darkness.

Darkness that tore the ground from under her feet and made her fall. Before she suddenly opened her eyes and woke up. ,,Good morning sunshine" she heard the doctor's muffled voice before she ran her hands over her face.

Slowly the sharpness returned to her vision and the colors became clearer. I'm floating, she suddenly realized, lightly waving her arms. ,,Yup you are, well we all are to be exact" he said and she felt him pull her out of the capsule. She again rowed around a bit and felt helpless. Moving around in the spaceship with gravity was one thing.

However, without proper support it was quite another. ,,Don't worry, it won't take long to get your things and your cane, just try to navigate a little" he said carefully before she got the things in her hand. ,,All right, I can do that" she tried to encourage herself and pulled the bag over her shoulders before unfolding her staff and trying to float along something.

Despite her uncertainty, the feeling of weightlessness was a fun thing. She didn't know exactly where she was floating.

A few people avoided her, but once she caught someone with her staff. ,,So we meet again," she suddenly heard Sully's voice, who seemed to be floating around. ,,How nice that you made it. Do you know how long this will take?" she asked and continued to hold on to the metal.

,,I don't know, but I think we're about to be passed on," he said and she thought she could hear a certain sadness in his voice. ,,Is there a window around here if so could you describe Pandora to me?" she asked after a few moments of silence.

Jake seemed to look around for a moment. ,,Yeah, wait, come with me," he said, taking her by the arm and they both floated through the ship. ,,Here" he said and put his and her hand on the cold window. ,,It looks like the Earth, only less broken, more like the Earth in its prime," he described and she nodded. ,,A beautiful image," she murmured, but got no response from Jake.

The two stayed together, talking for a while. She learned about his brother's death, offered to come and they talked about their relationship.

Jake had truly become a good friend despite the fact that she had known him for so little time. She already called him that and the soldier seemed happy to have someone.

Before the two of them went to the shuttles where they sat down next to each other. Her ears were ringing from the engines, the talk of the soldiers and the commanding troop leader who was giving her an earache.

It took a few minutes for the shuttle to break through the atmosphere and begin its approach to Pandora. There were no windows in the room where they saw, which is why their colors were faded and dark. Having the mask on her face was strange.

A new feeling not necessarily oppressive but rather unfamiliar and yet she would also get used to it. ,,All right ladies I want you all to go out now and remember without the mask the planet will kill you if I don't" he shouted and the soldiers stood up.

She too unfolded her staff and waited for Jake to get into his chair. ,,Well, let's go," he said, and she nodded in agreement before they both walked down the ramp and set foot on Pandora's stone floor for the first time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist : @mooniequeen , @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed

#avatar pandora #avatar james cameron #avatar 2009 #jake sully #pandora #avatar rda

42 notes · View notes

panda-writes-kpop · 2 years

Text

Ghost! Gahyeon - Haunting Me, Haunting You

A/N: Hi guys, girls, and non-binary pearls! This is part one of my Halloween celebration, and I hope you enjoy it! It was supposed to be complete fluff, but I may have accidentally went too far hehe 😉 I guess that I learn from the best, huh?

TW: Heavy themes of death and murder, jokes about death, fluffy until you get to the end, horror themes(?)

Part One ✨️ Masterlist

You suddenly woke up, and the sharp pain in your skull is enough to make you want to hurl.

What did I drink last night? I’ve never felt like this before… Damn, I must’ve been drinking some hard liquor.

You gag as you try to throw up whatever is making you feel so miserable, but to your surprise, no vomit comes out of your mouth.

What is going on? Usually, I can’t hold my drinks at all… Have I developed some sort of mysterious tolerance to alcohol?

You rise from your sleeping position, and you’re mostly calm until you notice that you’re on the floor.

What am I doing, sleeping on a wood floor? Why would I do something like that? I must’ve really been drunk last night.

You squint as the morning sunlight drifts in from an open window. You sigh before getting up to shut the window.

God, was I really so lazy that I could close the window? Yesterday must’ve been a really rough day for me.

You go to grab the curtain for the window, but you are immediately concerned when your hand goes directly through the material of the curtain.

Okay, I must still be drunk or something because that should not happen!

You attempt to close the curtain with your other hand, but the same thing happens. You sigh deeply before looking down at your hands, and you’re more horrified to find that your hands are now semi-see-through.

I need to see a doctor, or go to the emergency room. I must’ve been slipped something in a drink because this is not normal at all. Let me go check myself out in my mirror.

You turn around, only to make another bad discovery.

Wait a damn minute… this isn’t my room, nor is this my house!

A layer of dust coats the bedroom, except for a few stray footprints. You notice that a suspiciously shaped blanket sits on the bed, and there is most definitely something under the blanket. Your senses aren’t able to detect anything from this far, but given your current track record, you’re not in the mood to learn anything else about where you are or what’s going on.

I just need to find my phone, or at least, someone else.

Your prayers are answered when someone walks through the closed bedroom door.

“Gahyeon!?!” You excitedly say as Gahyeon gasps in surprise.

“Y/N, you’re here!” She says before she immediately starts sobbing. “I-I’m s-so sorry, I co-couldn’t save yo-you.”

Save me? What is she on about? It must be one of her pranks or something like it.

“Gahyeon, what are you talking about?” You walk over to her, and in a lapse in memory, you wrap your arms around her.

To your utmost surprise, you can feel her in your arms as she tightly grips you in response.

I- I can’t be dead, can I? What happened to me?

“Oh, Y/N-ah, you shouldn’t have died! It’s all my fault!” Gahyeon wails before burying her head in your chest.

You cough in order to hide how flustered you are.

“I don’t remember, Gahyeon. What happened?”

Gahyeon pulls away from your chest with tears in her eyes.

“They killed you, in cold blood.” Her tone turns from sad to serious in mere seconds.

“Who are you talking about?”

“Your best friend, Y/N! They pounded your skull in with a croquet mallet until you stopped moving! I had to watch because I couldn’t do anything… screw being dead! This sucks, as you’ll soon realize.”

She angrily exhales before crossing her arms. You chuckle to yourself, and she yelps in surprise.

“You think I’m joking at a time like this?”

“Let’s admit it… you’re kind of cute when you’re angry.”

Gahyeon blushes deeply before laughing at herself.

“I was told that a lot when I was a little girl, actually.”

You place your hands on Gahyeon’s waist before letting a small smile appear on your face.

“We can be together now, until the end of time. I guess this didn’t turn out too bad, huh?”

Gahyeon is dumbfounded by your sudden optimism.

“But… Y/N, don’t you miss living?”

“What is there to miss? Besides, I would’ve died at some point in the future.” You shrug before softly kissing the top of Gahyeon’s head. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

“Speaking of things that we’ve always wanted to do…” Gahyeon eyes your lips, and you laugh before indulging her in a sweet kiss.

“Was that as good as you imagined it?” You say after you break away from her for air.

“No, Y/N,” She shakes her head with a teasing smile on her face, “it was even better.”

Gahyeon suddenly grabs your hand, and she drags you out of the bedroom.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“Someone’s got to show you how being dead works, and luckily for you, you’ve got an excellent guide with you!” She turns back to wink at you before continuing to drag you around the house that you were both murdered in, but only a few decades from each other.

It doesn’t hit Gahyeon that your best friend is the exact same person with the same name until she has to watch them murder you in cold blood. Only then does she recognize that sickening grin - the same one that was present on their face when they murdered her.

The problem is that your best friend should be well into old age, but they have not aged a day since Gahyeon was last alive.

Externally, Gahyeon is grieving you as they finally decide to stop swinging when your body is beyond recognition. They drag you onto the bed, and they throw a mere blanket over your body before leaving to clean up their mess.

The murder weapon is different, Gahyeon notices. She was given a mixture of cleaning supplies that was disguised as a hangover cure. Gahyeon was so hungover that she didn’t notice what she was drinking until it was already too late. A night at her best friend’s house ended in murder, and the worst part was that no one suspected them at all. Your best friend got away with murder because everyone thought Gahyeon was a drunk mess who accidentally ended her own life.

There was something different about them, but Gahyeon thought it had something to do with their endless charms. They weren’t human - that was the conclusion. Gahyeon swore at the house a few times before trying to piece her life back together.

If you had never come over and met Gahyeon, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Screw the rules of having to stay in the place of your murder until someone living figured out what happened to you. Being a ghost sucked, until she met you.

It didn’t matter, anyways, since the both of you were dead and no one would ever figure it out.

Every second we fall to the fire below

It’s so beautiful

The hell that we both made for each other

(But it’s all love and war)

Louder we roar

(Crying for more)

I know it’s wrong, but baby just-

32 notes · View notes

myersmaniac · 11 months

Text

~we love you.~

TW⚠️: drugs, overdose, substance abuse; mentions of Chrissy’s death. This fic mentions very serious topics. You have been warned!

Pairings: Eddie x Henderson! reader, Steve x Henderson! reader, billy x Henderson!reader, Nancy wheeler x henderson! Reader, robin Buckley x henderson! Reader

All pairings in this are semi platonic!

—————

Dustin loved you, you were his one and only sister. Someone who he looked up to, counted on to be there, his built in best friend from birth. He didn’t know exactly what was going on, why you sometimes acted different but what he did know is that something was not right.

“ Steve, Steve are you there? Get over here now i repeat get over here now! Over.” Dustin spoke over the walkie talkie, desperately needing someone’s help, he didn’t know how to handle you like this, it scared him. “ what is it nimrod, I’m at work?” Steve replied not knowing the Situation. “ you’re supposed to say over. It’s my sister, she’s acting funny, throwing up, won’t talk straight, making noises. She doesn’t look right either just.. come over please. Over.” Steve immediately jumped over the counter. “ I’m on my way.” He said.

It didn’t take him very long to get to your house, he knew he needed to get to you as fast as possible. He’d do anything to save you. “ where is she” were the first words that Steve spoke as he barged through the door. “ bathroom” Dustin replied. You could see the fear on Dustin’s face, he was confused, worried and sad among so many other mixed feelings.

Steve opened the bathroom door and there you were hunched over the toilet, looking completely drained. Your eyes were heavy and your heart was racing. “ hey hey look at me, what’s going on?” Steve asked, he had no idea what to do honestly, he didn’t even completely realize what was going on himself but he knew it was something bad.

You just looked up to him with a sappy smile looking like you hadn’t slept in days. Steve lightly tapped your face after you didn’t respond “ come on baby; what’s happening?” He said. You felt like you were flying and he was watching you fall. “ nothings wrong Stevie ” you barley let out your words, dragging each syllable out. “Don’t lie to me, come on I’m not angry baby I’m worried talk to me.” After Steve said that you reached your hand down to the floor knocking something over it made a small crashing sound. Steve looked down to see what it was, a small orange pill bottle almost completely empty. He picked it up, scanning your face for answers then realizing he hadn’t yet asked the question. Steve let out a sigh, “ where’d you get this?” He asked. “ was it Munson? Did he fucking give this to you?” You still just didn’t respond, Eddie would never give you anything to harm you, you meant to much to him and everyone else.

The truth was you’d gotten these yourself, after your best friend Chrissy died you just haven’t been right. You didn’t mean to get this bad but her death truly broke you. You went to the doctor and started attending counseling, you were prescribed some medication but it seems the little dose they gave you just wasn’t enough to take the pain away so you started taking a little more and here you were.

Neither you or Steve had realized that Dustin was standing at the door crying, Steve couldn’t distract him or calm him down right now, he was trying to get answers. He looked over his shoulder “ get billy, Nancy and robin. That’s who she’ll wanna be around right now. Don’t put them in a panic just tell them that your sister needs them. Don’t mention me, billy won’t show if you do.” Steve quickly said. “ she’ll want Eddie too.” Dustin responded through sobs and sniffles. “ yeah I’d like to have a little conversation with him myself too. Go ahead get them here.” Steve looked more angry then Dustin had ever seen him. He couldn’t 100% blame this on Eddie because he didn’t know if he was stupid enough to do something like this; but he needed someone to blame to calm his conscience for now.

Dustin spoke over the walkie talkie “ max, come in do you Copy, this is Dustin over.” “ yes I copy Dustin what is it?” Max answered. “ tell billy my sister needs him as soon as possible, just get him to come.” Dustin said. “ will do.” Max said rolling her eyes, she couldn’t stand billy but she adored you so if that’s what you needed.

Dustin moved on to getting in touch with the rest. “ robin it’s Dustin; no time for the bullshit walkie talkie talk get over here my sister needs you and while your at it get Nancy and Eddie here too, quickly!” Robin already knew something was going on because she heard when Steve left. Thankfully her shift just ended, she got in touch with Eddie and Nancy then headed over.

“I need you to listen to me okay? I have a lot of people who care about you that are on their way. I need you to tell me where these came from” Steve said lightly shaking the pill bottle. You weren’t thinking straight at all right now, If you were then you’d give him a direct true answer. “ mmm Stevie I have no clue” is sadly what you responded and followed with a laugh. Steve felt hopeless.

There was a knock at the door it was Billy. “ where’s your sister?” He asked dustin with a smile before seeing the tears on his face. “ hurry, in the bathroom” dustin told him. Billy knew then that something was wrong so he rushed to the bathroom, firstly seeing steve. “ what the fuck did you do to her Harrington.” Billy’s first instinct was anger when he saw you laying out looking the way you did and Steve the only person there. “ I’ll fucking kill you.” Billy said stepping closer. “ calm down it wasn’t me; Dustin found her in here like this and called me. I told him to get you, Nancy, robin and Eddie over here. I think she overdosed.” Billy didn’t know what to say, he sat on the floor with you. “ what do you mean you think she overdosed?” Billy asked, Steve handed billy the bottle of pills. He took a minute to inspect it and then asked “ where’d she get these?” Steve shrugged “ I wish I knew.” Billy looked down at you then lifted you into his lap. “ I’m here, don’t worry. I got to ask you something okay?” You looked up at him and put your hand on his face. Your eyes blinked as if to say okay but your mouth never spoke a word. “ where’d you get these at pretty girl?” Finally you gave a tiny bit of information. “I missed Chrissy.” You said with tears rolling out your eyes. Steve and Billy both looked at each other putting the puzzle pieces together.

Outside of the bathroom there was another knock at the door. Eddie, Nancy and Robin came in frantically. “ she’s in the bathroom” Dustin told them, “can one of you stay with me. I’m scared.” Dustin asked. They all knew something was wrong, they gave each other all a look and Nancy sat with Dustin to comfort him.

Robin and Eddie went in the bathroom. “ she fucking overdosed.” Billy went ahead and got that out the way a little aggressively. Robin and Eddie rushed by your side. Steve looked over to Eddie and anger flooded through his body. He knew you were taking this because you missed Chrissy but did Eddie give you these? “ did you fucking do this Munson?” He asked. “ woah what the fuck. Why would you say that?” Eddie defensively asked. “ MAYBE IF YOU WERE AROUND HER ENOUGH YOU’D KNOW THESE ARE HER FUCKING PRESCRIPTION.” Eddie began to yell. “ NOW IS NOT THE TIME, BOTH OF YOU” billy said. Robin reached out for your hand “ you okay?” Is all she could choke out. You shook your head up and down. You were starting to feel a little better. By this point everyone was crying.

Eddie reached down and stroked your face and you reached up and played with his curls. “ I love you, you know that right ? We all do.” You gave him a soft smile just like you did with Steve earlier and nodded. “ let’s move her from the bathroom” robin spoke up. Billy began to lift you into the hallway and everyone else followed behind the both of you. When Dustin and Nancy saw you they both stood up to go be by your side. “ is she gonna be alright?” Your little brother asked. Eddie replied to him “ I hope so.”

They all followed you into the room and laid you down. You very quickly fell to sleep but they all stayed right by your side to make sure you were going to be okay. Nancy got up to get you a glass of water for when you woke up, Eddie rubbed your back the whole time, Steve covered you up, Billy cleaned all the spit, puke and tears off your face and Robin and Dustin searched around your room for any more pills that they would need to put away in the locked cabinet or throw away all together.

A few hours later you finally woke up, Steve rushed to your side “ easy, easy, you feeling any better?” He asked. “ mmhm” you said as you sipped on the water that Nancy had brought in earlier. “ do you remember anything?” Nancy asked you. “ I should’ve told you guys earlier I’m so sorry, after I lost Chrissy I just wasn’t feeling myself so I went to counseling and they put me on medication to help but that wasn’t working either so I figured I just wasn’t taking enough. I never meant for this to happen it just did.” You said to everyone in the room. “ we all love you and care about you, we’re here for you.” Eddie said putting his hand on your leg. “ pretty girl, look around the room. Not all of us get along but we came together for you.” Billy said. “ and you have an amazing little brother who got you help when he knew you needed it.” Nancy said. “ I know, thank you but I never wanted you guys to see me like this, especially not you dusty, I’m sorry.” You said pulling your little brother into a hug. “ don’t apologize, I just want you to be safe I was worried.” Dustin said. “ I love you so much” you told him through tears. “ I love you so much more.” He said pulling out of your grip.

“It won’t ever happen again. It really shouldn’t have happened this time but I promise it won’t happen again.” You said not directed towards anyone specific. “ we trust you but just for a little while we’re gonna rotate days and nights to have someone here with you just in case” robin said to you. You began to respond “ you really don’t have-” “ but we want to” billy cut you off. “ exactly, we need you here and we know that you need us.” Nancy said to you. Everyone came in for a much needed group hug after that, even the ones who you knew hated hugs and that meant a lot to you. Steve spoke up after the group hug “ Nancy and Dustin probably were the most worried, they weren’t even in the bathroom.” “ well Dustin told me everything he heard from you before everyone else came and how she’d been acting so we pieced two and two together.” Nancy responded. “ but yes we were really worried; don’t scare us like that again.” Nancy hit your arm playfully.

#stranger things #billyhargrove #fanfic #fanfiction #henderson reader #y/n #st #billyhargrovexreader #steveharrington #steveharringtonxreader #robinbuckley #robinbuckleyxreader #eddiemunson #eddiemunsonxreader #nancywheeler #nancywheelerxreader #dustinhenderson #dustinhendersonxreader #hendersonreader

9 notes · View notes

erikanism · 11 months

Text

4 years later . .

hi tumblr! it’s nice to be here again~

actually almost every day i’m here to read fanfics haha. anyway, it’s been a long while, a long four years since i’ve last written here! a lot of things have changed obviously, if not all. having read my past entries, it may be all summarized into two words -- mentally ill haha. i clearly remember how it felt, how it hurt, how it was empty but very overwhelming. it was a phase i would never want to go back again.

i was diagnosed with depression three years ago, in 2020. i gathered up the courage to talk to a psychiatrist but once i diagnosed i kinda ghosted my doctor. i never talked to a psychiatrist again ever since, and i never planned to again, not until about a month ago.

to save you some time, yes, it did get better. everything went better for me. is this surprising? to me, it really is. one major concern that i was writing about four years ago was college. having been raised in a family full of UP graduates, i was expected to be one also, and four-year-ago me never believed i could. another was my parents. i couldn’t survive living with them -- i couldn’t survive them at all. next, well, my harasser haha. and another was just full of suicidal thoughts.

all lo and behold, i am in UP now. believe it or not, i’ve just actually submitted my thesis topic proposals to my thesis adviser a few hours ago. yes, thesis! i’m more than three years in with this college shit, with an unbelievably above bare minimum cumulative gpa. crazy, right? and i couldn’t even get a line of 8 in my math subject when i was in elementary.

my parents are, well, better. but, you know.

let’s unpack what i’ve written before.

i want to take my time with my friends without worrying about their scolding afterwards. i want to study my readings without worrying about their satisfaction on my grades. i want to take a philosophy course. i want to be an activist. i want to write. i want to have a tattoo. i want to have a septum piercing. i want to wear black outfits.

all that i’ve (thankfully) experienced already. almost four times a week i get home late at midnight from hanging out with friends. everyday i study my readings without worrying about my grades. i’m able to attend rallies. i’m writing (now haha). i do have a tattoo already. i have a very sexy septum piercing. and there’s literally not a day i don’t wear black

except one. i’m not majoring in philosophy. and for the past three years i think about it everyday. but it’s not worth hyperfixating on that yeah?

i acknowledge that everything got better to me. this is a phase that i never ever imagined i’d be going through. i experienced maximum level of happiness at times. and i’m surrounded with people who make me want to keep going everyday. i’m given responsibilities i never expected i could handle, and i receive bigger and bigger blessings everyday.

it is worth noting, however, that i also acknowledge having the same mental illness(es), haha. is this something to be sad about? perhaps yes, but not all the time. these four years taught me that this is really sickness. being depressed is not something we could cover up with “time will heal”, as i thought it would. continuously i believed that i’m completely okay. because i was laughing everyday, because i had all the reasons to smile everyday, and because i wasn’t sad anymore -- i couldn’t understand why there were still days that i couldn’t get up, that i couldn’t sleep, that waking up and functioning for the day were the hardest, hardest part. for the past four years, it took me time to realize.

i think the hardest thing about this, is that i never planned on living this long. i’m scared of graduating because i never thought i would. i’m scared of having to maneuver my own career path because i never thought i would. i completely thought i would kill myself, and i was always so sure, now i don’t know what to do.

i have goals, finally. i do want to graduate. i do want to maneuver my own career path. i want to experience touching my first designer bag for the first time. i want to book monthly appointments to maintain a sexy eyelash extension. i want my own apartment some day.

but having to do that everyday, having to wake up and get up for the day. i don’t often see the light to go through the process. i don’t think i can explain this properly. i know this feeling all too well. for years, most days, this is exactly how i feel. at times i don’t, which i consider the lucky days, but how do i actually work on having lucky days every day?

i know the answer is therapy. and i hope i’ll get there soon.

will get back to you when i finally get a job, i guess.

thank you for keeping me alive,

liwayway

2 notes · View notes

daylight-dreams-world · 2 years

Text

So I binge watched all 5 seasons of The Good Doctor in 10 days while recovering from tonsillectomy. Hooo boy it was a ride. I really love this show, sure it has some issues, but as a neurodivergent woman, I really really liked it. 🥰

I had seen first two seasons before, but watched them again. I love how Shaun and Lea's relationship progressed, how Shaun is always learning and evolving, how his relationships with his coworkers have blossomed. Oh and I loved almost all the medical stories. This is gonna be kind of like word vomit, sorry, but gotta get my thoughts out.

Season 1 is a classic, introduction to characters and the world, ending with Dr Glassman getting a really bad diagnosis, but Shaun pushing himself to find if it's the right one and saving him in the process. Also all the things with Lea. Hate Dr Melendez and Dr Andrews. Love Dr Kalu and Dr Browne. Shaun had a really bad childhood and it makes me so sad 😐 But also pretty relatable?

Season 2 intoduces Dr Lim, Dr Reznick, Dr Park and Dr Han. It's kind of heavier season? Dr Kalu has to leave, Dr Han is a fucking PRICK🙂 and I am glad Dr Andrews came to his fucking senses and protected Shaun. People are still questioning if Shaun should be working there during this season and it's.. sad.

Lea and Shaun become roommates, OMG they were roommates!!😳😳 I don't like Dr Reznick, she kinda reminds me of Haley from Stardew Valley. Dr Lim and Park are really nice. Melendez and Lim become a couple and it's SO CUTE! I love Claire's support for Shaun. ❤️ It was heartbreaking to find out about Dr Glassman's daughter though 😭

Season 3.. it's really good. Might be my favourite season so far? We see Shaun pursuing a relationship with Carly, getting closer and more comfortable with eachother. Eventually they break up and Shaun tries to tell Lea how he loves her, but she has insecurities and doesnt want a relationship. Shaun struggles with losing both Carly and Lea 🥺 Claire struggles a lot this season, Im glad that Lim and Melendez are helping. Reznick being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis is very fucking sad. She is SO driven to be a surgeon, but she probably has to give it up.

But my favourite part was probably the two-parter season finale. THE ENDING DESTROYED ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭 Melendez dying came out of NOWHERE, I was so hoping for a magical last minute cure which never came... I really loved Melendez this season and how he helped Claire. Also this taught me how you should never ignore "small" injuries, it's not worth to die for. They could've had the romance of the century 😭❤️

I am really glad the ending helped Lea realize how much she loves Shaun. Also Dr Park with that boy stuck under a bar that fell during the earthquake, slowly dying.. LET'S JUST SAY THERE WERE A LOT OF TEARS THIS SEASON 🥲🥲🥲

Season 4 starts with coronavirus two-parter opening. It's super sad and I am actually kinda surprised, that only Dr Lim ended up with PTSD. This season introduces us to new residents that Reznick, Park, Shaun, Claire, Lim and Andrews have to teach. Loved Olivia, but I was sure she was gonna quit. The other guy didn't really resonate with me, but it made me sad how they kinda made fun of polyamory. Dr Allen.. she's nice, but I don't really like overly religious people. Dr Asher Wolke, however, is my FAVOURITE?! after Shaun and Claire and Melendez? His story really resonated with me, him leaving his family and religion to be himself. Oh and it was so sad when he lost his freaking FIRST PATIENT?? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Him continueing CPR even though he knew it was futale.... Made me cry so hard.

Dr Reznick giving up surgery was really sad, I felt for her so much.

Meanwhile, Lea and Shaun's relationship is blossoming and turns out Lea is pregnant! I'm glad they showed us the option to abort. I kinda spoiled myself though 💀 Was scrolling through episodes list and saw about grief and well, that happened, they lost the baby. I don't EVER want kids myself, but they portrayed the loss very well and I felt a lot of empathy for both Lea and Shaun.

I really loved the season finale two-parter in Guatemala. To see how life is there, how privileged I am to have FREE healthcare. I knew Lim and that guy were going to get together, but I didn't really like it. I really liked how Lea at first refused to hold that woman's baby but then did and also helped all night. I think that really helped her deal with grief. Park and Reznick getting together was.. surprising but I like it? CLAIRE LEAVING WAS SAD :( We lost Melendez last season and well, at least Claire didn't DIE, but it was sad to see her go, especially since she is Shaun's best friend. Lea proposing was very surprising but nice!!

Season 5, final season for now, I didn't actually like THAT much? Maybe like 2nd best from the bottom. I hated, that The BITCH Salen posed as a PATIENT with ADHD and then turned out to be buyer of the hospital. I hated her guts, so much. Also hated Reznick and Andrews for a while, but at least they made up for their mistakes. First half of the season was just stressing me the hell out. Also Lea and Shaun fighting 😐 and having trouble deciding on the wedding. The Shaun Show and The Lea Show were very nice episodes ❤️ I am glad they finally married in the final episode, they teased us so much!

AND I AM FREAKING OUT ABOUT DR LIM AND THAT NURSE, GUYS PLS DON'T BE DEAD, YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME AFTER MELENDEZ WHICH I AM STILL NOT OVER WITH!!

That was a lot, you're a hero if you read this far, thank you! ❤️ I can't wait for the next season to break and mend my heart even more🥰❤️

#the good doctor #the good doctor spoilers #the good doctor season 5 #the good doctor season 4 #the good doctor season 3 #the good doctor season 2 #the good doctor season 1 #essay #the good doctor essay #shaun murphy #lea dilallo #aaron glassman #morgan reznick #claire brown #neil melendez #marcus andrews #alex park #asher wolke #jordan allen

25 notes · View notes

thatnarcissisticfeel · 2 years

Note

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

7 notes · View notes

swiftieinlove91 · 1 year

Text

thank u taylor

hey taylor. hey tumblr.

this is my first tumblr account, and I made it because I know Taylor Swift lurks on here sometimes, and I hope this message finds her.

Taylor, I want to say thank you, and I didn't know of any way you might see it better than tumblr. You have been such a huge influence in my life - sometimes in ways I haven't always realized until years later. I remember the first time I heard one of your songs, and connected it to you, and realized I loved it. It was "Love Story," and my mom was driving me to Friendly's before school started that day to meet up with a bunch of fellow drama kids the morning of opening night of one of our plays (it was a tradition for us to meet for breakfast). I remember that the sky was a steely blue-grey, and that I was full of anticipation and nerves and hope for that night. I'd been homeschooled most of my life, and it was my first time joining in on this breakfast tradition. I hoped some of the other kids liked me. I had a crush on one of the stage crew boys. and Love Story came on the radio and something about it hit me in that moment - I was young, I was in love, I had hopes and fears and parents who I couldn't always count on to support me. your song affirmed and soothed all of that, and added to the young, naive, fragile, intense beauty of that moment.

later, i was in grad school and 1989 had just come out. i had the cd and it was the only thing i ever played in my car, just on repeat. from the joyfulness of "welcome to new york" (which i would play without fail every time i drove from grad school in maine to home to buffalo, NY, making sure to have it blasting at exactly the moment when I crossed into NY), the no-f's-given attitude of "shake it off," to the devastating, wrenching, cleansing sadness of "clean." I played that album so much that friends i carpooled with regularly inadvertently became swifties as a result of me driving them around xD

then, later, i was a young woman who had just ended an engagement, after a 6-year-long relationship that started when i was 19, in my mid-20s and feeling hot and vibrant and sexy and strong and powerful and untouchable for the first time ever. Reputation came out and i felt all the strong, sensual energy in every single song. It became the anthem to my being. you helped me, you showed me that it was possible and beautiful and completely okay to step into my power. i was single and i was living alone for the first time ever and i was so unsure and so scared but you helped me feel like i had power, and I would figure all those things out.

lover buoyed me as i tried to re-navigate love again after ending such a long and serious commitment. it provided both salve for the wounds, in terms of beautiful songs like "death by a thousand cuts," as well as hope for more and better, in songs like, of course, "lover."

and then the pandemic hit, and you literally saved my life. "folklore" and "evermore" were incredible, precious gifts. they felt so authentic - like less-planned, just loving gifts to your fans and the people who love you. they are what got me through 2020. i was living in Dakar, Senegal at the time the pandemic started, and in late march i was mandatorily evacuated by the US govt back to buffalo. i had nowhere to live, no car, no savings, no health insurance, no plan (my plan had been to continue to live and work abroad for a few years, then pursue a doctorate degree abroad). i watched everything i'd planned and worked so hard for fall apart in the matter of a week. and then folklore came along, and it helped soothe me, and helped me feel connected to everyone else in the world who was going through similar things - our lives and plans and dreams coming derailed by something none of us had planned for, could have possibly planned for.

this was also when i started to really reflect on myself and who i am (i had a lot of time lol). i finally felt free and strong and ready enough to step into my queer identity. i don't know if it was intentional or not, and i don't want to assume anything about your personal life, but songs like "seven" and "betty" and "august" helped me come into that truth about myself. again, i don't want to assume anything about you personally, but your songs helped me find and be okay with myself, and i want to thank you.

and then evermore was just icing on a gift-cake ;) i went through another really bad breakup in 2021, one that shook my perception of reality to its core. your songs kept me grounded.

and now, here we are, post-midnights. i met you there at midnight. i stayed up til 4 am on a worknight to listen to the full album, several times through, and then the bonus tracks. i SCREECHED at the beginning of "vigilante shit." i danced along to the full album. i cried during "question...?" and "sweet nothing."

in between all of this, for the last several years, I watch your "artist of the decade" performance and your live in paris performances from lover and your performance of "false god" on snl and your tiny desk concert and your interviews.

i don't know how you've managed to do it, but i feel like i've grown up with you, and i feel like every album you release is exactly what my heart needs at that moment in time. you've taught me so much about how to find oneself, how to overcome adversity with class and grace, how to tune out the haters, how to believe in myself and my power. thank you. thank you thank you thank you. your music and your words have been here with me throughout my life, buoying and affirming and teaching and loving and powerful. i am so incredibly grateful to be alive in a time and space where i've gotten to grow up alongside you, and so incredibly grateful that you have pushed through everything you have to be the shining light you are.

thank you, taylor <3

#taylor swift #swiftie #swifties #taylor #thank you taylor

4 notes · View notes

pbandjesse · 1 year

Text

Today was a wash. I accidently slept the whole thing away. I apparently needed the rest but emotionally I feel very bad because of it.

I didn't even sleep bad last night. I fell asleep easier then I have been. Putting on a true crime documentary always helps. I had stopped because some I had been listening to upset me to much. But the gentle voices help me turn my brain off I guess.

We didn't go to bed until late. James got home after midnight. I finished a few more squares of my blanket. I was feeling happy. I shouldn't stay up so late but honestly I missed it. I miss working into the next day. I do some of my best work that way. And when we got in bed I wasn't up for long. Which is better then spending two hours just laying in bed on my phone which makes me feel and.

I did wake up early this morning because something seemed wrong and I poked at James. But they told me they were okay and I went back to sleep.

I woke up at 8 and James was in bed with me still. I'm glad they got a little more sleep.

They made the bed and warmed up a biscuit for me while I got dressed. I was actually wearing a shirt dress today but I only wore that to the doctor's office.

We were off and the biscuit was a little chewy but it was fine. James brought a book and waited in the car for me when we got to the office.

I didnt realize we would be there for over an hour. I felt bad making James wait. But they said it was alright.

I was mostly concerned about finding out what the copay on this medication was going to be. And no one had an answer. Not the front desk. Not the nice nurse that checked me in. So she said she would check in with the office manager. And thankfully she came back and explained that it's just part of the $30 office visit pay. So I don't have to worry about it! Amazing. It made me feel a lot better that I don't have to fight the insurance about it. I just kept telling the office manager that I didn't want to screw it up and she's like. No?!! You aren't screwing anything up!! Made me feel more secure for sure.

The doctor came in and talking to me. I showed her the symptoms I've been tracking and she said a lot of this is just. Me and not side effects. So that's good! She said the nausea is a side effect and to just keep an eye on it.

And then the person who gives the injections came in and she was very nice. I got two injections in my belly. I did not enjoy that at all. I've never had that before. And it was a lot lower then I was expecting. Right in the middle of the flower tattoos I have. Which was funny to me. I told her about the tattoos and how it's a coverup of a coverup of a coverup of a tattoo I gave myself when I was 12. I think she thought I was silly.

The injection was a little painful but mostly because it was slow. The medication was viscous and thick. But it didn't take long. She wanted me to wait a half hour to see if I had any reactions. So I went to the front to make my next two appoints (Monday mornings two more times this month) and posted up to wait.

I felt fine though. Annoyed with myself for not bringing my crochet with me. But it was fine. I was mostly looking forward to leaving.

Once I was free I went to go meet James at the car. And they asked me where I wanted to go get brunch.

We decided on the iron rooster. I wanted the spicy omelette I had there before. And so that is what we did.

But I started feeling deeply sad. It was like as soon as we sat down I got a wave of sadness. I felt like I was trying really hard to hold a conversation but I couldn't. I was listening to the women next to us talk about their baby registry. I was watching people eat. But I felt very disconnected.

The food was good. James got their house made pop tart. I got to try a bite and while it would probably be to much for me to have a whole one, the bite I had was really nice. And my omelette was good. I saved half to have later.

We walked over to the grocery store next. Got some juice and butter and I got jelly beans because they were on sale. I got the popcorn ones I like. I also got a lemon meringue but I ended up not liking those. Maybe they will grow on me.

I was happy to be going home. I was trying to not be miserable but I was falling apart. I didn't like the seams of my shirt. My hair felt bad. I wanted to get changed and lay down.

And that is what I did. Once we parked we went upstairs and I changed inyo my sweatshirt dress. And got cozy in bed. I just watched stuff on my phone for an hour. But eventually I would fall asleep. Sweet has been hanging out with me a lot today. We were playing a lot last night and he was making me laugh a ton. So it was really comforting to have him with me today.

But I slept way way longer than I wanted, or then I expected. James says they tried to make me up a few times but I don't remember this. I woke up before 430 and was very distressed to find that it was so late. I tried calling for James but they were in the kitchen and didn't hear me. I texted them and they came running.

They brought me a snack and I slowly started feeling more human. But I felt so sad. I wasted the whole day. James kept telling me that's wasn't true but I just felt so bad.

I got my crochet and would make a few more squares. James would play video games in bed with me. And I would start feeling a little better.

James made us pizza and broccoli for dinner. And then we laid together for a while. We would finish building our Lego succulents. They look so good. I would put some dye in my hair. And eventually take a shower.

The bathroom isn't a nice place to be right now. There is kind of a horrific smell coming from somewhere. James thinks there is a dead mouse somewhere. They tried going though the closet and checking behind the panel that lets you into the wall. But no dice. I think it's in the pipes because the drains smell the worst. Thankfully if the window is open it isn't spreading outside of the bathroom itself. But I really hope we can solve it because it's not good.

Now I am in bed. My hair is wet. So I will go dry that soon. I am probably to tired to actually do the whole hot brush dry. But we will see.

Tomorrow James goes back to their surgeon. I hope they give them something to help them sleep. And we will take the Christmas decorations down. I have a poster to make and some examples for this weekend. I hope I feel more normal tomorrow and can be productive.

Sleep well everyone. I hope you are feeling better then I am. Good night my friends.

2 notes · View notes