#and then i end up feeling like i'm going crazy and getting defensive myself because she does this so much that i'm immediately tense
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TEACHER'S PET - J. YUNHO
SUMMARY : being a fan of Jane Austen's novels, you should have guessed that your attraction for complicated love stories would put you in trouble at some point. but you wouldn't have imagined that the trouble in question would be named Jeong Yunho - your favourite professor.
-> pairing : literature professor!yunho x student fem!reader
-> words count : 30.4 k
-> genre : college au, smut & angst
-> warnings (w. some spoilers of the plot) : soft!dom!yunho x sub!reader, teasing, dirty talk, praising, marking, hair pulling, doggy, protected and unprotected sex, creampie, body worship, use of 'good girl' and 'slut', oral (f. and m. receiving), deep throating, cum play, manhandling, fingering, begging, riding, semi-public sex, yunho has a big cock, hand kink, facefucking, drunk sex, yunho is calling reader angel (yes, that's a warning), age gap (8 years), mention of fwb relationship w. san, cheating, mentions of family issues, self-depreciation
+ the way i'm depicting yunho does not represent him, it's only a work of fiction.
-> 18+ content bellow, minors dni
-> reblogs and feedbacks are appreciated ! sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language
-> author's note : should i say sorry for the enormous word count ? maybe. will i apologize ? not at all because i'm so fucking proud of this fic. it might be one of my favourite things i've ever written, i quite fell in love with reader this time lmaoo. i started the process of the plot back in january, and it took me more than 3 months to write this but it's amazing in my opinion, so i hope you'll like it as much as i loved writting it ! also that is such a detail but yes, prices are in euros in this fic because i'm french and i cannot physically write dollars and not feel weird, i'm sorry, bear with it. i should also say sorry for the angst but it don't wanna either, i already cried to myself when i put it into words, it's your turn to suffer.
-> playlist : older by isabel larosa - white mustang by lana del ray - crazy in love by sofia carlberg - middle of the night by elley duhé - reflections by the neighborhood - daddy issues by the neighborhood - babydoll by ari abdul - easier by bernard park - i love you by billie eilish
-> masterlist | ateez masterlist
Jeong Yunho had been the big sensation and the object of all conversations since he started teaching at your university. It was during your freshman year that he joined your college as the new professor of British literature. And honestly, just knowing that you wouldn’t be forced to listen to an old man repeating the same story about how he almost won the Pulitzer Prize twenty years ago over and over was already a relief. But the fact that your new teacher was also very attractive did get you even more interested in his classes.
Of course, at first, you were like all the other girls on campus, gushing over how handsome Mr. Jeong was, and how well the suits he always wore were perfectly fitting his tall frame. But you quickly discovered a dedicated and very good professor. He helped your whole promotion to go over all the things your old teacher should have presented to you, and thanks to him, you passed your exams. So even if you couldn’t ignore that he was very, very hot, you were mostly glad to have a professor as passionate as you about literature - his handsomeness was only the cherry on top.
Every time you had a class with him, you knew that this was about to be a good day, because they were always stimulating and never boring. And maybe, just maybe it was because you were always trying to contradict him. In your defense, Mr. Jeong always led you to approach a new subject with an interesting or controversial point of view, and you were often disagreeing, or had things to say about it. And since not many people in your class were really interested in British literature and were only here to admire your teacher for one or two hours, it was not rare for him and you to end up debating about anything and everything. And today was no exception.
“- What do you want me to say Y/N ? This is how things are, I can’t change them.
- Then you’ll have to convince me, Mr. Jeong.”
Your professor chuckled while shaking his head. You were always like this, always trying to get him to surrender and admit that you had the right answer. Yunho didn’t really understand if it was because you liked to be right or simply because you loved a little bit of challenge, but either way, he appreciated how attentive you were to his classes, and how you were trying to question everything every single time. It was stimulating for the class, for you, and even for him.
“- In this precise case, it is not my job to do that. The fact that you have your opinion on the subject is a very good thing, but there is no right or wrong answer. What we are trying to do here is simply to interpret what message Poe wanted to convey, we can never be sure if our interpretation is the one he had in mind. And I would love to continue this debate but it’s time for you to go, so don’t forget to read the extract of Wuthering Heights I gave you and I’ll see you next week.”
You rapidly packed up your things to run back to your dorms. Friday often meant a girl’s night out with your two best friends, and you wanted to have enough time to get ready. You three always got to the same bar where you met each other, one of the first nights you went out during your first year of college. You crossed paths with Lola first, the barmaid having messed up both of your cocktail orders. And both of you clicked instantly, despite her being two years older than you. At one point, while you were dancing together, you noticed a girl alone being clearly annoyed by a guy who repeatedly tried to touch her. So your new friend and you acted like you knew her and forced the guy to go away. It turned out that the girl you had kind of saved, Dia, was in the same major as you. You ended up spending the night all together and you kept in touch after that.
And despite Lola having finished her studies before Dia and you, she stayed around the city because of her work. So once in a while, you took the opportunity to go out at the bar where you met. And tonight was one of those nights, and after the exhausting week you had, you kinda needed it anyway. Your roommate, Dajeong, helped choose your outfit and you got ready together because she was also going out with some of her friends, chatting about your days and the new rumours about the basketball team. And of course, you had to dress up a little, putting on a skimpy, little black dress that did wonders to underline the curves of your body. During these concert nights you were going to, there were always a lot of pretty attractive men playing instruments, and that kinda got you going. So you didn’t put away the thought of finishing the night in someone else’s bed.
Dia picked you up to go to the bar where you joined Lola and immediately ordered your favourite drink. It felt good to finally rest after the awful week you had. It all started on Monday, when you slept in and missed your first class of the morning. And because you had to rush to the second, you forgot your lunch at home and the charger of your laptop. On Thursday, you forgot about the work session you had with some of your classmates for a group project and arrived late. And finally one of your professors claimed to be disappointed in you because you handed him your assignment one hour late because you had an unplanned class at the due date. So yeah, you really needed this drink with your friends.
“- So I didn’t warn you beforehand, but I’m gonna sing on stage tonight !”
You looked at Lola, dumfounded, while Dia squealed excitedly beside you. Your older friend had tried to make her music known for the past year and it was finally starting to work out for her. Lola was incredibly talented, so you were certain that she would succeed and you were also very very happy for her, a big smile stretching your lips as you gave her a hug.
“- Girl ! That’s incredible ! I’m so proud of you, you deserve it !”
Dia joined your hug, the three of you giggling.
“- I’m so fucking exited, we were waiting for it !”
It was still a little early, but the bar was already filled with people, and even if it was still pretty cold outside, you were immediately hit by a wave of heat as soon as you stepped in. You really loved the atmosphere of these kinds of nights, where everyone was friendly because they were only there to spend a good time. Lola had to go backstage to get ready, but you quickly stumbled on some of Dia’s friends with whom you talked for a while and since the vibes matched, you decided to stay together to enjoy the concert. One guy had particularly tried to get your attention, and you weren’t mad about it with how good he looked. He was very tall, and could seem intimidating but whenever he smiled or laughed, you could see how kind and sweet he was. While he was saying something to one of his friends, you quickly tapped on Dia’s shoulder.
“- Hey, what’s the name of your friend that’s very tall ?”
She answered you with a smirk, and mischievous glint in his eyes when she leaned towards you.
“- Why ? Does he interest you ?
- Maybe. So ?
- His name’s Mingi. Have fun girl.”
You slapped her arm lightly, rolling your eyes at her comment. But truly, you didn’t mind the playful bantering between the two of you, loving it even. You let her go back to her conversation while you offered yourself and Mingi another drink since you had finished your beer long ago. It happened that Mingi was just as interesting as you thought he would be, and you even spent the first few performances of the night simply talking with him, too immersed in the discussion to acknowledge your surroundings. It’s only when Lola got up on stage that you started to pay attention, cheering for her after she introduced herself to the public.
And honestly, she nailed it, hyping the crowd like she did that for her whole life. Dia and you surely clapped and screamed for her the loudest. Lola came to you as soon as she got off the stage, hugging both of you and thanking you for coming to see her and cheering for her. She looked the happiest when she was singing, and you couldn’t be more proud of her as all of Dia’s friends were congratulating and praising her. And from this point on, you didn’t have many clear memories, only knowing that you got drink after drink, getting more comfortable with each one.
Usually, you wouldn’t be all over someone you had just met, but Mingi was really a good guy, he was attractive and you were drunk, so you didn’t mind the way he was kissing you shamelessly, only kissing him back and letting him roam his hands all over your body. But as always when you were tipsy, your mind was jumping from one thing to another. It didn’t matter that you couldn’t see neither Lola nor Dia around anymore, all you wanted was another drink right now.
“- I’m gonna get one more beer, want one ?”
Mingi tried to stop you when you got up, stumbling a little while standing on your feet, the world spinning all around you.
“- Don’t you think you already drank enough Y/N ?
- You’re cute worrying about me ! I’m okay ! I’ll be back in a minute !”
You were practically screaming, and even with the loud music and voices of people around you, you were very loud, making your way over to the bar while chuckling to yourself the whole time. You dropped onto one of the stools in front of the bar, ordering yourself another beer. It’s only when you turned your head on your right side that you noticed someone you knew quite well.
“- Mr. Jeong !”
The said Mr. Jeong was straddled by your loud voice and even more by your body colliding with his as you kind of dropped your weight on him, circling him with your arms as if you were trying to hug him. For a few seconds, your teacher remained frozen in place, not knowing how to react, before his brain seemed to reactivate again, and pushed you off of him, holding you by your shoulders. Only a quick look at your flushed cheeks, lazy smile and glossy eyes was enough for him to guess that you were drunk.
“- Y/N ?
- That’s me ! What are you doing here though ? Teachers are not supposed to go out !”
Yunho couldn’t help but laugh quietly at your behaviour. You were always so neat and put together during his classes, always so focused and organised. So to see you let loose like this, wearing a skimpy little dress, obviously very drunk and your speech so slurred it was actually hard to understand you, was really a shock.
“- You’ll be surprised to know that I have a life outside of being your teacher.”
Yunho knew that he shouldn’t find the pout on your lips cute, but he did.
“- ‘m not surprised, you too hot to be a teacher.”
He blamed the alcohol for the way his heart started beating faster at your comment, and even more when you leaned against him once again, breathing in his scent.
“- ‘m so tired…
- Where are your friends ? Maybe they can get you home.
- Don’t know…”
You were starting to feel really dizzy. And not the kind of daze when you’re just feeling the agreable effects of all the drinks you had, it was the kind of daze when you’re starting to feel bad, when your head starts to hurt and all you want is your bed and silence. Yunho tried to observe the crowd and spot the friends he usually saw you hanging with around campus, but no one was in sight. So he stood up, paying for his last drink, before helping you walk towards the exit.
“- Where we going ?
- I’m driving you home. You’re clearly drunk and you lost your friends, it’s not safe for you to stay here alone.”
You were too far gone to be embarrassed about your behaviour, or to resist too much, so you let your professor drag you to his car and help you get inside, even buckling up your seat belt for you. You only find it in yourself to give him your address, and text Dia to warn her that you were getting home before dozing off. Yunho had to wake you up when he parked in front of your dorm.
“- We’re here, Y/N.”
You whined, claiming you were comfortable and didn’t want to move, that it was cold outside and the heat in his car was far much better. Yunho sighed while getting out of the car. Helping one of his drunk students get home was not really on his bingo card of the week, but he couldn’t risk you getting in a dangerous situation. He opened the car door on your side after having taken off his jacket, handing it to you as he helped you get out of the vehicle. No words were exchanged as you put on the black leather jacket that was obviously ten times too big for you, drowning your silhouette inside of it. But you could feel the warmth that Yunho’s body had left, and it made the cold of the wind outside less chilly.
“- You will be alright to get inside alone ?”
You nobbed your head, the nap you took during the way back to your dorm having sobered you up a little. Now, all you wanted was to wrap yourself in your sheets because you were starting to feel the second-hand embarrassment of this whole situation.
“- Thank you Mr. Jeong.
- You’re welcome Y/N, drink water and take a lot of rest, okay ?”
You nobbed once again, feeling your cheeks heating up when he pressed your shoulder lightly. You didn’t find anything to answer so you decided to simply get inside, not seeing how Yunho kept an eye on you until he was sure you got inside, and only did he drive off. When you pushed the door open, Dajeong was not back from her party yet, so you were met with a silence that instantly eased your headache. You rummaged through the drawers of the kitchen to find some painkillers and a glass of water, gulping the medication down before heading straight to your room. You hadn’t the energy to take off your makeup, nor your outfit, slipping in bed with Yunho’s jacket still on. But it smelled good, it was so warm, like a little cocoon you loved to be wrapped into. And maybe that was why you dreamed of him that night.
The days after this hell of a night, you were hit with the most terrible feeling of embarrassment and guilt you’ve ever felt. Embarrassment because it was definitely what you should feel after having to be driven home by one of your teachers because you were too drunk, and at that, a very attractive and smart teacher - and also your favourite one. Also to be seen in a state like this by him had you mortified. You always tried to remain serious and professional in front of Mr. Jeong, and you never wanted your personal life to interfere like that with your studies. Guilt because he was certainly there to enjoy his own night out and you wrecked that by forcing him to look after you like a little child. You even threw a tantrum because it was too cold, and every time you saw the jacket you even had the audacity to sleep into, you felt even more bad and ashamed of yourself. You didn’t even dare tell Dia and Lola who helped you get home, claiming it was only a guy you knew.
You also didn’t want rumors to spread. They were fast to go around students, and if you handed Mr. Jeong his jacket back after his class, it would have been enough for people to believe that you two were in a relationship. So you decided to go and see him after his classes in his office, to be sure that you wouldn’t be bothered. You had buried his jacket at the bottom of your bag, as if everyone had X-Ray vision and could see what was inside, walking as fast as you could through the hallways. You had done nothing wrong, but it still felt like it and you had to mentally prepare yourself for the conversation that was going to happen.
The door was open when you arrived at his office, but you still knocked on it lightly to signal your presence. Mr. Jeong immediately looked up from the assignments he was grading, smiling when he saw it was only you.
“- Come on in Y/N, and close the door behind you.”
You were fairly unable to utter a word, sticking to nodding your head as you did what he told you. Usually, when you came to his office, you would immediately sit down, but you didn’t feel at ease at all today, too shameful to even look at Mr. Jeong in the eyes.
“- Do you feel better than this weekend ? You didn’t seem very well yesterday either.”
The fact that he was still worrying about you was making you feel even more uncomfortable.
“- Uh, yes, thank you. Actually I came by to apologise for my behaviour. I was very drunk, and I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. Thank you so much for driving me home, and again, I’m sorry for how I acted and if I said anything disrespectful to you. And here’s your jacket, I washed it for you. And again, I’m so, so sorry.”
You got the jacket out of your bag, putting it on his desk, neatly folded. Your heart was beating unsteady and your breathing was loud. You couldn’t even remember if you actually said anything weird to him, but knowing you and how you had no filter when you were wasted, you surely did. Mr. Jeong stood up to get his jacket back, hanging it on the back of his desk chair. The smile on his lips was reassuring and sweet, and he didn’t seem mad at all, but you couldn’t help the anxiousness from taking over you.
“- It’s not that bad, it has already happened to everyone to be drunk and do stupid things, believe it or not, it happened to me too.
- To bother your teacher because you were completely wasted ?”
Yunho chuckled at your remark, and he was happy to see a small smile spread on your face too. You were always trying to not look him in the eyes since the beginning of the week, and you seemed very embarrassed when Yunho didn’t want you to be. He did that out of kindness, because you were one of his favourite students and also because he couldn’t let you alone when you were in this state, he couldn’t have looked at himself in a mirror if he had let you without anyone to look after you when you were so vulnerable.
“- Maybe not, but you get my point. It didn’t bother me, and you didn’t say anything strange, don’t worry. We can just forget all about that if you prefer, but I can assure you that you did not do anything wrong Y/N, I’m just happy I was able to get you home safely.”
Your shoulders immediately relaxed, and it was as if you could breathe more easily. You knew that your professor was honest, that he wouldn’t lie to you about something like that.
“- Thank you so much for taking care of me. I gotta go for my next class now, but really, I’m very grateful Mr. Jeong.
- No problem, just be more careful next time.
- Of course. Have a good day !”
He greeted you back, watching as you left his office and closed the door behind you. And finally, Yunho allowed himself to slump back in his desk chair, sighing loudly. He didn’t lie to you, didn’t tell you that to make you feel better. Except the fact that you did say that you found him hot. That compliment really messed up with his mind. You were always so serious and focused during his classes, and of course, it was obvious you wouldn’t spend your weekends locked up in your room, but seeing you like this was so new, so unusual. The way you looked at him, the way you touched him, the way your dress was riding your thighs up, the way his jacket was now smelling like your intoxicating perfume - the scent of you invading the room little by little. Everything about this was making him see you in a whole different light.
The only thing Yunho promised himself when he became a professor was to never, ever, find one of his students attractive. Maybe it was because he was young, and much closer to your age when he started teaching, and that he quickly noticed the eyes some of the girls were giving him. Anyway, he swore on his dignity and morals that he would never have this type of thoughts about a student. But now that he got to see you in your skimpy black dress, which was hugging every one of your curves perfectly, while looking him in the eyes and confessing how hot he was may have him reconsidering his decision.
He knew he shouldn’t see you this way, he knew he shouldn’t search your profile on instagram, knew that he shouldn’t look at your photos nor check you out in your pretty little outfits that you loved to post. But he did it anyway, scrolling through your account as if he was a teenager all over again. And when he stumbled over the photos you posted this summer, body on display in your little bikinis, he knew he had to stop before his thoughts started to drift to places he shouldn’t. Because it was dirty, it was disgusting and he shouldn’t think about you, his student, this way. This should have been enough to stop his mind from going back to this night, but it didn’t. And Yunho felt incredibly bad for not being able to control himself.
You felt a little better since your conversation with Mr. Jeong, reassured that you did not say anything weird to him, and that you haven’t made him uncomfortable. That didn’t ease your mind from the fact that you slept in his jacket and even had the nerves to feel cosy because you were surrounded by his scent. But you tried your best to forget it all, just like he advised you to, even if you had to be honest and admit that you did often think about the way he held you by your waist when he helped you walk to his car.
You shook your head as you tried to concentrate back on the synopsis of the book you had in hand right now. You decided to go to a book shop with Dia this afternoon after your classes. It was something you loved to do together from time to time, always promising yourself that you won’t buy anything but coming back home with at least one new book anyway. You were not paying attention to your surroundings, entirely focused on the book you were looking at, and you didn’t feel it when someone came up behind you.
“- I see that you’re very dedicated to my classes Y/N.”
You turned around quickly, not needing to see him to recognize the familiar voice of your teacher. He was standing there, dressed more casually than the usual suits he was always wearing for class, only in black pants and a creamy sweater. You tried not to make the blush on your face obvious as you composed yourself before answering.
“- Well, your recommendations are always great Mr. Jeong, so I might listen to you once again. But only if it gets me one bonus point on my next assignment.”
Yunho couldn’t help the cheeky smile that spreaded on his face whenever you teased him. It wasn’t the behaviour students should have towards their teacher, but he liked it too much to ask you to stop.
“- You know very well that I don’t get corrupted this easily.
- And if I bring you some chocolate ?
- Then I might reconsider your proposal.”
You were ready to add something when you were interrupted by the loud ringtone of your phone. You excused yourself and turned around to answer the call. Yunho didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation with a certain “Sannie”, but at the same time, if it was that private, you would’ve walked away, right ? He wondered if you were used to giving surnames like that to every one of your friends or if this guy could be your boyfriend. But why would that interest him in the first place anyway ? It wasn’t like he cared if you were single or taken. And it was none of his business, but still, the question slipped past his lips when you hung up.
“- Was that your boyfriend ?
- Oh, no, not at all ! San is my best friend, he has been since we were kids.”
Yunho only nodded, already feeling the second-hand embarrassment of asking such a personal and inappropriate question. He needed to get out of here so you didn’t notice the way his ears were heating up, and you gave him the perfect opportunity to do just that.
“- I have to go but I’ll get this one.
- Feel free to share your thoughts about it.
- I’ll do it, thank you. Have a good day Mr. Jeong.
- You too Y/N.”
And you left with a warm smile, asking yourself if you would have a stranger interaction than this one in your life. How come that one of the most handsome men you’ve ever met, who also happened to be your teacher, wanted to know about your love life ? You didn’t know how to handle this fact, didn’t know why he asked you that either. But it was messing with your head, making you think about things you shouldn’t, about things you never even considered before this night. Well, that was a bit of lying to yourself. Because you did think about him in this light before, did dream about him touching you in such inappropriate ways for a teacher and his student. But you pushed these thoughts away, not ready to dig into why he was making you feel like that and wouldn’t leave your mind.
And Yunho couldn’t help thinking the same : how he didn’t see you like that before having you all pliant in his hold, before seeing you wearing your little black dress, before hearing you calling him hot. But if he was honest with himself, he did think that you were pretty during the first class you had with him. He did think on numerous occasions that you were smart and the kind of person he would love to go out with. But he couldn’t. Because he was your teacher, and because he was a lot much older than you. It would be inappropriate.
Even with all of these considerations in mind, Yunho couldn’t stop himself from stealing glances at you every time you stepped a foot into his classroom. He tried to be as subtle as possible because he didn't want to make this situation even weirder than it already was, especially for you. Little did he know you did the same, observing him every time he wasn’t looking your way, struggling to not blush whenever you felt his eyes on you. And Yunho kept telling himself that he couldn’t do that, that it was not right to look at you the way he did, to think about the things he was thinking about every time his eyes landed on you. But he couldn’t stop it. It felt wrong, but for some kind of reason, he was unable to forget about you.
“- Did the Mr. Jeong hype finally get to your head ?”
You wiped your head towards Dia, heart beating unsteady. She couldn’t know about what happened almost three weeks ago, right ? No she couldn't have guessed, except maybe if someone saw him driving you home. But your friend only chuckled and slapped your arm when she saw the defeated expression on your face.
“- You look like you saw a ghost ! It’s alright bestie, I wouldn’t judge you for finding him handsome, it’s a fact everyone already established.
- Why are you saying that now ?
- Because you’ve become very distracted whenever we have classes with him, and you don’t participate as much as before. Is it because you finally see him like we all do ?”
You groaned and shook your head, but Dia was too close to the truth to not unsettle you. You knew that you did nothing wrong, that it was normal to think that your obviously very attractive teacher was, in fact, very attractive. But you couldn’t kill the guilt creeping in every time you looked at his hands handing back the papers a little too long, or when you caught yourself wondering if his skin smelt as good as his leather jacket did.
“- First, I’ve never said that he isn’t good looking, and second, I have enough decency to not drool over him during said classes.”
Lie. It was a complete lie. But Dia didn’t need to know that. She didn’t need to know that your professor had invaded your thoughts in a way you didn’t think would be possible, and in a way that was definitely not appropriate.
“- Decency doesn’t exist when he enters the equation.”
She was not entirely wrong, but you couldn’t let her win, because it would be like admitting to yourself that you did thirst over your teacher, more than you would like to. Luckily for you, Yunho quickly started his class and strangely enough, for the first time since the bar incident, you succeeded in following everything he was saying and not getting too distracted by his hands, or by his smile.
“- Before I let you go, I wanted to inform you that I decided to create a debate club. I’m aware of what you must all think about these : that they are boring and never pick the subjects you want to discuss. That’s why you’ll be the ones to propose the subjects we will tackle, and you’ll be free to talk about anything you want. It can be music, politics, literature - anything. As long as you respect each others’ opinions, it’s okay for me. If you’re interested, write your name on the sheet on my desk before leaving and that’s all for today. Thank you for your attention, and have a good day.”
Conversations about Mr. Jeong’s propositions were already erupting all around the classroom. You spotted some serious students you already had study sessions with writing down their names, and a bunch of girls who just wanted to check out the teacher for one more hour per week. Dia already warned you that she didn’t have the time to engage in such activities, but you thought it couldn’t be that bad of an idea. After all, you really loved to discuss with people, and this was the perfect occasion to do so. And no, it was not because your professor will be there. Not at all. It only happened that he will animate the whole thing, it was only a coincidence. You got a pen out of your bag and started to write down your name when his now familiar voice interrupted you.
“- I could’ve bet on this.”
You didn’t dare lift your head and meet his gaze, because locking eyes with him in class was one thing - he was far away from you - but having him so close to you suddenly made you nervous.
“- Am I so predictable ?
- A little, but I’m not complaining. I know that at least one person will actually come and that I will not be alone.”
This time, you had no other choice but to look at him as you had finished writing your name and had no excuse to look at the piece of paper anymore. You knew you shouldn’t feel like this, but your heart still missed a beat when your eyes finally dived into his. You quickly avoided his gaze, pretending to put your pen back in your bag while you searched in your brain to offer him a clever response.
“- You know me, I’m always here when it comes to debating.
- I wouldn’t have expected less from you Y/N.”
The way he said your name shouldn’t have made you blush, but it did. You rapidly excused yourself before literally running away from the classroom and all these feelings that shouldn’t invade your mind. It even made you hesitate on your decision to join the debate club. But you didn’t want Mr. Jeong to think that you were not serious. So you went anyway. And even if, as you predicted, not that many people showed up, you still had a good time. You were even able to not think about him in ways you shouldn’t too often. That was until he insisted on giving you all his personal phone number, so he could organise things more easily and give you the opportunity to see museums or expositions you could later discuss on. That was a perfectly sensible decision, obviously.
However, that night when you laid in your bed and couldn’t fall asleep, your fingers hovered over his contact. It was stupid to even think about it. Why would you even send him a text ? And to say what ? Ask him if he had a good day ? Or if he planned anything for the next reunion ? It was stupid, yeah. But you were one click away from sending a text. You threw your phone to the other side of your bed, running your hands over your face. You were so stupid. Stupid for thinking about Jeong Yunho as anything else than your teacher, stupid for thinking that he would even look your way, stupid for thinking that you were any different from all the girls who were swooning over him. You were just like them and even worse.
The next meeting with the debate club came too quickly for your liking as you were not mentally prepared enough to see the teacher you couldn’t help thinking about all day long. But this was not what occupied your mind today. No. It was this one girl who thought that she was always right just because she said so. Ever since Mr. Jeong announced that the subject was going to be about music and the sense of community it could create, she hadn't shut up, interrupting everyone as if her opinion was more important. And she wouldn’t stop whining about the fact that music was too commercial these days and that there was nothing original anymore, when her playlist was essentially composed of trending songs and Taylor Swift (not that you had something against the girl, you loved some of her songs, but she was far from not being commercial.) And when you tried to argue that, no, music was not only commercial, that there were still good artists and groups that did it because they truly enjoyed and loved making music, she would get mad. Everytime someone else would defend your point of view, she would accuse them of teaming up against her.
And you were actually a little mad at your teacher for not jumping in and telling something to this girl who was clearly being unreasonable. You ended up saying that you didn’t want to talk anymore, because even if you were not one to give up, you clearly noticed that you couldn’t win this time. You spent the rest of the debate sulking and stealing glances at Mr. Jeong, who was just observing the chaos. You didn’t understand why he would not intervene, and yes, you got that he wanted to let everyone express their opinions, but was it relevant in this case ? You packed up your things rather quickly ; this whole situation put you into a bad mood, and you just wanted to forget it.
“- Y/N ? Are you alright ?”
His voice straddled you as he came closer to you, letting all the other students go out behind the two of you.
“- Oh, uh, yeah, I’m good. Just a little frustrated, but it’s alright.
- I understand, but this moment is also made for that, even if you’re not agreeing with her, you have to respect it.
- I know, I don’t have a problem with her not being on my side, I just don’t like it when people victimise themselves to make me feel bad and let them have the last word. That’s not what a debate is about.”
You tried to stay focused on your bottle of water in your hands, and to not stare at him too much. He was wearing one of his black suits once more, and even more since the bar incident, it was doing something to you.
“- Well, I can’t say you’re wrong, but not everyone here is as mature as you are. You have to take it into consideration. And it is by talking with people like you that people like her will get it and grow up.”
You shrugged, turning your head to the side because you couldn’t hold his gaze anymore. You knew deep down that he was right, but you were too frustrated to admit it right now.
“- I’ll let you sleep on that Y/N, but don’t let it deter you from coming next time, your interventions are important and I value them. A lot.”
You nodded before saying your goodbyes and quite literally running away from him, once again. He couldn’t make you feel so frustrated you wanted to break something, and the next second made your heart beat like crazy. Because his words surely did. You knew by the way he was often relying on your answers in class that he must appreciate you as a student, but to be aware that he also liked who you were as a person was something else. It was getting bad, really bad, because you couldn’t keep under control the feelings he made appear in you. And you knew it was wrong, knew that he was your teacher, knew that he probably - surely - didn’t feel the same, but you were already in too deep.
And Yunho couldn’t help thinking the same as he watched you go away. He shouldn’t feel such attraction for his students, and he shouldn’t try to get closer to you, and he shouldn’t try to do all these things that led you to be alone with him. But still, he chose the next subject because he knew he would get a reaction out of you, because he knew it would get you all passionate about it and he loved when you were like this.
He didn’t miss his shot because you were the first to talk when he announced that today’s session will be about Jane Austen and feminism. Yunho knew she was one of your favourite authors as you often quoted her in your assignments and used her novels as examples, so he was even aware of your opinion on them. Thus as he was regularly doing during his classes, he decided to go against your views, just to see how you would react. It was wrong to do it only to see you get passionate and involved and slightly mad at him - because you both knew that he already told you that he agreed with your ideas.
“- I understand what you’re saying Y/N, but the fact that Austen never got married but still insisted on talking about marriage in every one of her novels could also show that it was a dream of hers, and not feminism.”
Again, you were feeling so frustrated against your teacher. But this time, it was directed straight to him. You couldn’t figure out why he would do this, nor why he was so dedicated to debating with you in particular, and not with all the other students that were agreeing with you.
“- On this aspect, her personal life has nothing to do with it. On the contrary, it reinforces what she’s showing. In Pride and Prejudice for example, Lizzie doesn’t accept Darcy’s proposal until he changes and really proves that he loves her. Plus Darcy doesn’t do all these things so she would agree to marry him, he does it only because he loves her truly. She depicts marriage as something you should do out of love, the only happy marriages in her novels are the ones where the two parties are in love with each other. Like Jane and Bingley, and you can contrast with Lydia and Wickham and how their union is never shown as a good thing, for either them or the Bennets’. I think she never got married because she despised the men of her era, and that they wouldn’t meet her expectations, because she wanted a marriage of love, not of arrangement, or relationships or money. That’s why she is showing them so much in her books, because it reflects how she didn’t like the view on marriages during the Victorian era and the sexism she was surely enduring because of her being a writer and not trying to hide it.”
You barely breathed in between your sentences, and when you finally stopped talking, you felt like you just ran a marathon. Mr. Jeong’s gaze never left yours as you spoke, and the intensity of it was making butterflies come alive in your stomach. It was as if you could feel the tension emanating from him, from his eyes staring down at you. He seemed to snap out of his haze when someone voiced out their agreements to your little speech. And after that, he quieted down just as you did. But you could still feel him stealing glances at you, and you couldn’t help doing the same.
He was wearing another one of his suits - a three piece grey suit, with thin, white strips on it. He had let go of the jacket a long while ago, and had rolled the sleeves of his shirt up his forearms. And you knew you shouldn’t find that attractive, but you did. You did and it was wrong ; because he was your teacher, and because you were supposed to be a little mad at him for refuting the obvious.
So like a replay of last week, you stayed back, taking your time to pack up your things and waiting until everybody else left to talk to him one on one. Maybe it wasn’t what a good and well behaved student should do, maybe it wasn’t the most appropriate thing to do when you were feeling so attracted to him. Maybe. But you still carried on with your plan, trying to not get distracted by his handsome face, and his pretty hands arranging some papers on his desk.
“- Why do you keep on pushing me to justify myself like that ? It’s embarrassing, and everyone was so silent afterwards, it was as if I said something wrong, and it’s not agreeable to feel like you are being ridiculous.”
You never had enough nerves to talk to one of your professors like that, but maybe it was the fact that you had a pretty shitty week, or that the way he was looking at you had you feeling some ways you didn’t want to, but you felt a sudden rush of energy and courage coursing through your veins.
“- You did not say anything stupid Y/N, it was very clever on the contrary. And the reason I keep doing that is because I know you have it in you to argue with me and produce this kind of well organised speech. That’s where I want to bring all of my students, but you can always improve and develop your skills. This is what I’m training you for.
- I’m not practising to go to war, Mr. Jeong. All this is not necessary if it makes us feel bad. And why would you do that in front of other students when we already talked about this in class and they all saw you agree with me ?
- I told you, it’s only because I want you to be able to justify your answers with precise examples like you did today, because it’s important for your future assignments, for your thesis and even just in everyday life.
- But you know I’m already able to do all that, so why would you seek out my responses everytime ? It feels like you’re targeting me.”
Your cheeks were heating up as time went on, not only because you felt hot from the way all his attention was entirely focused on you, but also because you were so frustrated you could’ve yelled at him. But you had to remind yourself that he was your teacher and that you couldn’t be that disrespectful, that this was the closest you could get to having an argument with him without getting kicked out of your university. He had come closer to you as the discussion progressed, and the sudden proximity between your two bodies didn’t help with your red cheeks.
“- Yes, I’m targeting you, because I know you’re capable of coming up with things like this, and that you teach a lot to other people by doing so. I love to see you being passionate and invested in the subjects you’re talking about, it makes it fluid to listen to and to understand. Plus, that’s a debate club, disagreeing with you is my job here.”
You wanted to stay calm and collected so bad, wanted to stay as composed as he always was but you couldn’t help how he heightened all your emotions by his mere presence. And the compliments he was giving you didn’t help you relax either.
“- Yes, okay, but not when you said you approved my views two weeks ago just to change your mind now and make me look like I’ve been talking nonsense all this time.
- Don’t rely on me and my opinions Y/N, rely on you and what you’re thinking. Do not let other people dictate what you should think on a subject you know and love.
- I know that, I’m not dumb, but you’re not just everyone else. You’re my teacher and you know what you’re talking about while I don’t. I’m only making assumptions and theories when you give us facts. It’s not the same.
- I don’t know it all, what we're making when talking about books and authors who are not here to confirm or deny is always assumptions. You know that I agree with what you said, you know my opinion on Austen and that’s all that matters.
- But you made it look like what I was saying was irrelevant, you made me look like a fool and I don’t like it, especially when it’s coming from you.”
The two of you had gotten closer and closer, and you were now facing each other, with nothing in between to separate you anymore. Suddenly, you felt an overwhelming need to breathe in his scent, to take the step ahead that was distancing you from him and cut off the act.
“- What do you mean especially when it’s coming from me ?”
Your breath accelerated when Yunho stepped forward one more time, getting way much closer than decency would allow. But you didn’t make any movement to escape. Because deep down, you wanted this, you craved this. You saw his hand coming up to your face before feeling his fingers brushing against the skin covering your jaw, leading you to raise your head and dive into his eyes. You’ve never seen him from this angle, but with the light of the late afternoon casting shadows on his face, he had never looked prettier.
“- I asked you a question, Y/N.
- I… It’s inappropriate, I shouldn’t say it, I shouldn’t even think about it.”
Despite your words that should deter him from going any further, he swiped his thumb across your bottom lip, smearing your lip gloss. You could hear your own heart beating, aware of every breath you took and every movement of your body. When your eyes met his once again, it was as if adrenaline was spreading through your veins, a sensation that gave you the impression that you were flying. Your gaze flicked down to his lips one second too long for him not to notice and that was Yunho’s last straw as he let his hands drop down to your waist.
“- I don’t think I should think about what is on my mind right now either.”
As if it was the hint you needed, you grabbed his neck to pull him down to your level. Your lips brushed against his one time, and the next time they met, it was for a real kiss. Yunho squeezed your waist tighter, tugging you closer to him as he let his desire take over his reason. He shouldn’t do that, but your lips tasted like the vanilla chapstick you were always putting on during his classes and that he was dying inside to kiss away.
It was like your mouth had a mind on its own, kissing your teacher like your life depended on it. You weren’t thinking about the fact that anybody could come in and interrupt you, you weren’t thinking about the fact that what you were doing was forbidden. All you felt was the softness of his hair between your fingers, his large hands on your lower back, and his tongue playing with yours. It all felt too good to stop.
“- Where are you going ?”
You were putting on your shoes when Dajeong’s voice interrupted you, a knowing smile on her lips. She knew very well where you were going every time you left late at night, during the weekends, she just wanted to tease you.
“- San invited me over, I’m gonna stay the night.
- Of course you are.”
She gave you a little slap on your ass before going back to the series she was watching on the living room TV. Usually, you would’ve laughed or been as excited as her to see your friend but not today. When San had proposed to you to come to his apartment to fool around, you weren’t surprised. It happened often, when neither of you wanted to be alone, when you needed someone to relieve the pressure. And most of the time, you really enjoyed the time you spent together, fooling around without any feelings. But tonight, it was for more selfish reasons that you said yes.
Because when San was touching you, you were only able to think back to how Yunho’s fingers squeezing your waist felt. And when he kissed you, you could only think back to the way Yunho’s lips made your whole body come alive again. And when he fucked you, you wished it could be Yunho instead. You felt bad, both because you were using your friend to quit thinking about someone else, and because that someone else was your teacher.
It shouldn’t have felt so good to kiss him, it shouldn’t have sparked a flame and made you crave more, it shouldn’t have made you want to drop to your knees for him. You should’ve been disgusted with yourself and what you did, you should’ve been apologising to him the very next day. But you couldn’t bring yourself to hate this moment, nor to forget it. It was engraved in your memory, enough for you to search him up on social media even when San was holding you in his arms, both of you still naked. It was wrong, once again, but you already crossed the line too many times to count, so who cared anymore ?
For a few weeks, you didn’t even dare to look at him too long, afraid to remember once again how delicious his lips felt on yours. And you didn’t feel his eyes following your every movement like you grew used to. It felt weird, to not have his gaze focused on you, and to see him avert even looking your way during each one of his classes. You stopped going to the debate class, and you stopped answering every one of his questions during lectures.
And Yunho felt like he had fucked everything up. He should’ve stopped when he started to be attracted to you. He should’ve stopped when he started to seek out your presence even more. He should’ve stopped before kissing you. After you ran away last time, he considered sending you a text to apologise, and ask you to not say anything about what happened. But he didn’t, he wanted to let you breathe and have some time for yourself. Except that he started to get worried about the situation. You hadn’t tried to talk about it with him, you hadn’t come to the debate class since this incident. He spent all his time trying to figure out how to handle the mess he created. That was the question going through his mind once more when you stepped into his classroom for the debate club, looking around to see that no one except you and him were here.
“- Uh… I’m sorry, did I miss something ?”
Yunho turned to you, and for the first time in weeks, he really looked at you, taking in your silhouette and your outfit - one of the little skirts you loved so much, and your signature black, thigh boots. He should’ve been stressed to see you again, anxious to have to talk to you about this kiss. But instead he felt relief wash over him, and it was like he could breathe again. He looked down at the paper covering his usually organised desk, realising that he had to answer you, even if his voice was shaking a little.
“- I cancelled today’s reunion, I wasn’t feeling very well.”
You nodded your head, looking around the classroom as if you were searching for something. You debated in your head if you should address the subject with your teacher or not. You were too nervous to talk about it, afraid that he would act like it didn’t ever happen, or worse, as if it didn’t mean anything to him. You were about to go away, to run away, like the other time, when you heard his voice behind you, loud and clear.
“- Wait ! Please, wait. We need to talk.”
You hesitated for a few moments, your hand hovering above the doorknob. Yunho saw your arm drop by your side before you turned around, taking some steps in his direction, and he was already relieved that you weren’t going to find him disgusting or scream at him. He didn’t need much time to figure out what he was going to tell you, having replayed this exact scene again and again in his head, too many times for his own good.
“- I have to apologise for what happened last time. It was never my intention to make you feel uncomfortable, or to scare you away. And I’m also sorry for kissing you like that, it was wrong of me, I should’ve never done that. We can forget all about it, or you can do whatever you want because I’ve done enough to make things worse.”
You stayed silent, for seconds that felt like hours for Yunho. He prayed inside that you were going to forgive him, that you were going to tell him that it was okay, that you would simply not talk about it ever again and let him feel guilty about this for the rest of his life.
“- It’s okay Mr. Jeong, it was a mistake, it could’ve happened to everyone. And I have some parts to take in this too. But I understand. It was a mistake anyway, it didn’t mean anything.”
It didn’t mean anything. These were the words he unconsciously hoped you wouldn’t pronounce. Because even if he tried to deny it, it meant something to him. It meant so much that he couldn’t stop thinking about it. It meant so much that everytime he sat at his desk, he thought back to the moment he kissed you. It meant so much that even weeks later, he still didn’t forget the taste of your lips, the feeling of having you so close to him. And he craved it. He needed it again.
“- It’s okay if you want to think about it as a mistake.
- Why are you saying that ?
- Because for me it wasn’t.”
His eyes crossed yours, enough for him to see this little spark he noticed before he captured your lips last time. Maybe it wasn’t only a mistake for you either. Maybe he didn’t fuck it all up. Maybe he still had a chance to make this right, if there was any way to make all of this right.
“- It did mean something to me. I… I haven't stopped thinking about it. I can’t focus on anything else other than you.”
It was as if your breath was knocked out of your lungs again. He did that too much lately. But the intensity with which he was staring at you and your lips, and his confession had your heart feeling weak. And surely, you shouldn’t indulge in your fantasy. Surely, you shouldn’t let yourself get seduced by your teacher. But you were already in too deep, and you couldn’t ignore anymore the way he was making you feel.
“- I can’t either. I think… I think you should kiss me again, maybe it’ll help.
- Maybe you’re right.”
Yunho bypassed his desk, and you joined him, throwing yourself in his arms. He cradled your face between his hands, and this time he didn’t hesitate when he put his lips on yours, sighing in relief when the taste of your vanilla chapstick invaded his senses again. And the way you were tugging at his suit jacket to pull him closer to you told him everything he needed to know.
“- Fuck… I missed you so bad Y/N, thought I had messed up everything.”
You stared up at him, now able to see the lust, the desire he had for you going through his brown eyes, and it made your inside flip. You had dreamt about this so much, even if you would’ve rather died than admitted it. But it was true. You were dreaming about having him so close to you, about having him tell you how much he wanted you, about having him just like this.
“- You didn’t, not at all.”
That was all the talking that was made. Because you already talked too much, and even if he loved hearing your soft voice, all Yunho needed right now was to taste you again, to drown himself in your body and your addicting, intoxicating scent. You didn’t stop him when he reached for your thighs to lift you up and drop you on his desk, not caring about the assignments sheets you were sitting on.
You discovered the way his lips against yours felt again, savoured the way his tongue played with yours again. And you loved it just as much as the first time, maybe even more. Because this time, you were truly desperate to feel as much as him as possible. You reached to grab his waist, spreading your legs and bringing him even closer to you. And Yunho complied, because he was just as desperate to finally have you all for himself. He let his hands wander from your back to your thighs, and feeling up your bare skin under his fingers was already driving him crazy.
You tilted your head to the side when Yunho displaced his kisses from the corner of your mouth, to your jawline and then the side of your neck. He was almost devouring you, but you weren’t complaining : it was exactly what you wanted, exactly what you needed. You felt his hands creep up higher, reaching for the hem of your skirt, and his hot breath hitting the now wet skin of your neck.
“- Do you know how bad I wanted to do this every time you walked in my classroom wearing those skirts and these boots ? Do you know how hard it was to not think about doing exactly that whenever you were looking at me ?”
You let out a moan, not really knowing if it was because of what he just told you or because of the fact that he just gave you a hickey. Your heart was beating too fast, adrenaline rushing through your veins as Yunho kissed down your clothed-covered body, making his way to where his hands were still laying. But it was only when he dropped on his knees and pushed your legs apart some more that you realised what he was doing, your words getting stuck in your throat and being replaced by a pathetic whimper when he kissed the inside of your left thigh instead.
“- Is that okay ?
- Y-Yes Mr. Jeong.
- Call me Yunho, will you ?”
You quickly nodded your head, already far too gone because of his feather like touch everywhere except where you needed him the most.
“- Good girl.”
And as if it wasn’t already enough to get another noise out of you, he pushed your skirt higher up your thighs, revealing your soaked panties to his hungry gaze. Immediately, he dived in, licking a strip of your arousal through the material of your underwear. This time, another moan escaped you and it encouraged Yunho to push the piece of clothing to the side and taste your juices for real. The groan he let out against your folds had you shivering ang trying to close your legs around his head. But he was holding them with an iron grip, making it impossible for you to move.
You threw your head back when he sucked on your clit for the first time, one of your hands flying to take a hold of his hair, keeping him just where he was. He ate you out just like he kissed you - hungrily, like a starved man, like it was his last meal. And you were loving it all, trying to keep down your noises because anyone walking by the classroom could hear you and decide to walk in, and you could get in trouble. But the thrill of getting caught was making everything feel so much better.
“- Feeling good, angel ?
- Yes, so good, don’t stop please…”
The nickname had your legs trembling in no time, and the way he was lapping at your cunt had you close to the edge already. You could feel your pussy clenching around nothing as he sucked on your clit again, making more of your juices come out that he didn’t waste any time licking up. The force with which he was holding your thighs open made you wonder if he could use the same strength to put you in all the positions he wished, if he would use the same strength on you to make you unable to move and fuck you until you passed out.
“- Yunho… I’m close…”
He hummed against you, doubling his efforts to bring you to the edge. He didn’t need to do much, because you had been waiting for this for too long, and because he felt too good to resist. As you felt your orgasm wash over you, your hand that wasn’t busy in his hair gripped the first things you could reach - one of the paper scattered on his desk, and you couldn’t even feel guilty about the way you crumpled it between your fingers, the rush of pleasure taking over you so strongly you couldn’t bring yourself to care about anything else.
When you had regained enough consciousness for your legs to support your weight again, Yunho helped you come down off his desk, his hands not leaving your waist even when you were standing in front of him. You smiled when you saw how much you had messed up his hair, as they were going in every direction, and you tried to smother it a little.
“- Let me see you this week-end if you are free. I want us to talk, and I want to take my time with you, make you understand everything you make me feel.”
And you agreed. Of course. But you started to regret it when you found yourself all alone, in the room of the hotel Yunho had sent you the address of. You were aware that you couldn’t just welcome him at your dorm, or go to his apartment either, because there were risks that someone would recognize you. So here you were, waiting for him. Despite what had happened earlier this week, it still felt incredibly wrong to be there, to do what you were about to do. You looked around the room, where nothing felt familiar and everything felt odd, as if you shouldn’t be here. You were almost ready to leave when the door opened and Yunho entered.
He was dressed in a pair of black pants, some sneakers and a beige pullover. His casual outfit clashed with the slightly revealing white dress you were wearing underneath your trench. And you felt ridiculous for thinking that putting on something like this was appropriate, though nothing about this situation was appropriate.
“- I’m sorry, I couldn’t find anywhere to park my car.”
Yunho’s voice broke down the heavy silence hanging in the air, but it didn’t dissipate the strange atmosphere. The room was filled with tension, with unspoken words, with something dangerous and forbidden, but so tempting.
“- It’s okay, I haven’t been here for long.”
The moment was awkward, neither one of you knowing what to do with themselves. You couldn’t tell him that you were about to leave when he arrived. And he couldn't tell you that the real reason he was late was because he hesitated before coming. But all it took was one eye contact, one look a little too insistent at each other for your lips to find themselves once again, as if they knew better than yourselves what you wanted. And suddenly, nothing felt weird anymore, nothing felt wrong anymore, and everything was finally fitting perfectly - from the way he was holding your waist, to the way the skin of his neck felt under your fingertips.
“- I missed you.”
The words he whispered against your lips made you feel everything you’ve been needing without knowing it. And you thought that maybe, this wasn’t such a big mistake. And when Yunho’s hands found their way underneath the skirt of your dress to caress the soft skin of your plush thighs, your brain disconnected, letting your emotions control you instead. You got rid of your trench, the material falling to the ground and soon joined by his jacket. You didn’t resist when he grabbed you by your waist to hold you flush against him and kiss you again, finally letting your hands slip under the hem of his pullover and touching his skin. Once again, the way he was kissing you left you dizzy, unable to think about anything other than him.
“- This dress…
- Do you like it ? Or is it too much ?
- Fuck, no, it’s…”
He took another look at the way the white tissue was hugging all your curves just right, underlining your silhouette and making you look like an angel. And the fact that you dressed up just for him made his hunger for you grow even more. So when he felt the urge to kiss you again, and again, and again, he gave into it, like he had wanted to for so much longer than he thought.
“- It’s perfect, you’re beautiful.”
You wanted to compliment him right back, but he didn’t give you enough time to do so, mingling his tongue with yours instead. And you didn’t complain, because you couldn’t get enough of the taste of his lips, of the way his big hands were guiding you to sit on the bed, of the way he was looking at you. You watched closely as he got on his knees to get you rid of these thigh boots that were driving him crazy. Then, he helped you out of your dress, revealing your white lingerie set.
You thought you would’ve been shy, or embarrassed to let him see you like this. But all you felt right now was desire, and confidence. You smiled when you saw him lick his lips while staring down at your body, and while he wasn’t paying attention, you started to unbuckle his belt. Yunho let you do what you wanted, obeying when you asked him to take off his pullover. When you managed to get rid of his pants, you finally allowed yourself to properly drool over him.
You looked up at him from your sitting position on the bed, while he was still standing in between your legs. It was like crossing his gaze at this precise moment made you realise how real all of this was, and you were hit with the fact that you were really going to fuck with your teacher. But you couldn’t find it in you to fight the feeling anymore. It was too late anyway, you couldn’t go back even if you wanted to.
So you did nothing to stop him when Yunho pushed your shoulders so you would lay on the bed. You did nothing to stop him when he started to kiss your neck and covered the skin in his marks. You did nothing to stop him when his hands began to roam all around your body because he couldn’t choose only one spot to touch and focus on, because he needed all of you.
“- I thought you wanted to talk.”
But with the way your fingers were threading through his hair as he massaged your breast over your bra, you definitely weren’t up to talk either.
“- We’re gonna talk, but after I’ve fucked you.”
He punctuated his sentence by pushing your boobs out of your bra and leaning down to suck on your right nipple. And you couldn’t contradict him when all you were able to do was moan and ask for more. Yunho slowly made his way down to your panties, kissing every part of your exposed skin until he could remember every mole and imperfection of your body. And by the time he took off your underwear, you were already dripping wet and you couldn’t breathe properly anymore.
“- Please Yunho, please don’t tease…
- Why’s that angel ? You need me that bad ?
- Yes, yes I need you, I want you.”
Finally hearing it from you and not from the dreams he was making did it for Yunho as he searched for a condom in his jacket’s pocket, while you were throwing away the last pieces of clothing separating your skin from his. And you couldn’t help admiring him and his tall frame, his sculpted back, the veins in his hands and arms, his abs slightly peaking out. Everything about him, every inch of him was perfect, made by the Gods.
And you couldn’t tear your eyes away from his cock either, following his every movement as he got rid of his boxers and put the condom on. It was big, but just as pretty as him, and you already knew he would fill you up just right. When he was close enough to the bed again, you grabbed his hands, pulling him to lay on top of you and kissing him like it was the last time you could taste his lips.
“- Please Yunho, fuck me…”
And he couldn’t do anything else than do it, sliding right in with how wet you were even if you could still feel the way his cock was stretching you out. But you couldn’t help the moan escaping you when he bottomed out, nor could Yunho stop himself from groaning at how tight you were clenching around him.
“- Feeling so good around me angel, like you were made for me.”
You were ready to answer, but the force with which he thrusted inside of you stopped you from doing so, uttering a strangled noise instead that was quickly replaced by endless whines and moans as Yunho started to fuck into you. It was as if he knew exactly how to make you feel good, as if he already knew your body like the back of his hand. He found his way to your waist again, pinning your hips down to the mattress so he could do what he wanted, fuck you like he had been wanting to for far too long.
You could feel your mind drifting far away as all the tension you accumulated these past weeks left your body, washed away by pleasure and desire, washed away by the way Yunho was looking down at you with hooded eyes, lips parted and letting out the most sinful sounds you’ve ever heard. But you needed to feel him even closer to you, impossibly closer to you. So you wrapped your arms around his neck, bringing him down against you. He reached for your legs, guiding you to bend them more until he could hit this sweet spot that made your head fall back with a cry of his name.
“- I’m not gonna last long angel, been waiting for this for too long.
- Me too, I’m close, please…
- You sound so hot when you’re begging.”
You made sure to remember this piece of information before abandoning yourself to the feeling of his cock hitting all the right spots, and of his skilled fingers teasing your clit, the combination making you clench around him impossibly tight as the wave of your orgasm crashed over you. Your release triggered Yunho as he buried his face in your neck, groaning about how good you felt while filling up the condom with his cum. And the crazy thought of him filling you up instead crossed your mind, and it made the feeling of slight overstimulation even more intense.
You were so out of it that you almost didn’t feel the moment when Yunho got up to throw away the condom. You had purposefully decided to not think about all the consequences that what you just did implied, you just wanted to enjoy this a little longer. So when he came to lay down with you again, you got closer to him immediately, like magnets who couldn’t resist the attraction. His fingers brushing against your cheek encouraged you to turn your head to the side, diving in his hypnotising brown eyes. You stayed like that for a moment, simply looking at each other without saying anything. And as if it was the only thing your bodies knew how to do, you joined your lips again.
This time, it was slower, more sensual. If before you were devouring each other, now you took your time to savour the taste of his lips and tongue, to appreciate the way his hands were gliding on your skin, tracing invisible patterns on your lower back. It felt so much more intimate than what all this should have been, but it was too late, so you might as well fuck it all up completely.
This time, Yunho didn’t rush anything, letting you decide on the pace. He let you do what you wanted when you got on top of him, let you deepen the kiss, he let you caress and discover his body. Your kisses wandered from the corner of his mouth to his jawline, going down to his neck, his collarbone, his pecks, his abs, his v-line, careful not to leave any marks on him. You could hide the single hickey he gave you, but you didn’t want to take any risk. When you reached his inner thighs, his hands had made their way to your head, his fingers tangling between the messy strands of your hair. You looked up at him, the desire pouring from your eyes making his heart beat faster.
“- Can I ?
- Do whatever you want, angel.”
You smiled before you resumed your soft kisses along the skin of his thighs. But this time, you let them go up to his hardening dick. It was even prettier up close - and you’ve never thought you would say that about a dick one day, but you’ve never thought you would fuck with your teacher either. You kissed his length from the tip to the base, before running your tongue along the path you had traced. The action got a gasp out of Yunho, and you could feel him staring down at you as you kitten licked his flushed tip a few times. You wanted to take things slow, to remember this for as long as possible, but you were craving his taste, craving to feel him even more so you just took him into your mouth. He was big to say the least, and you could feel him, heavy on your tongue, stretching your throat as you started to bob your head up and down, stroking with your hands what you couldn’t fit in your mouth.
Yunho watched you intently, mouth slightly open and letting out sighs and grunts because you just felt that good. The sinful vision you offered was enough to make these weeks of mentally torturing himself totally worth it. Maybe he shouldn’t love the way you were making him feel, maybe he shouldn’t love the way you were whining around his shaft, maybe he shouldn’t love the way saliva was spilling out from the corners of your mouth. But he couldn’t care less when he gripped your hair harder and you moaned around his cock, eyes watering and nails digging into the skin of his thighs.
“- Shit angel, you’re taking it so well. You’re so good to me.”
You hummed around him once more, resisting the urge to gag around him, relaxing your throat until you could take all of him in your mouth. You felt Yunho sit up straight, so he could get a better look at the way his cock was sliding in and out of your lips with ease. The sight was truly mesmerising, and he wanted to engrave it in his memory.
“- I want to fuck your throat so bad, angel. Will you let me ?”
The pleased sound you let out after he grazed your scalp a few times let him know how willing you were to do just that. Yunho pulled on your hair roughly, forcing you to take all of him, until your nose was rubbing against his stomach and your hands were desperately pawing at his thighs. His thrusts were slow but hard, just what you wanted, just what you needed.
“- You’re such a good girl Y/N, fuck, you’re going to make me cum. I can do it inside of your pretty mouth, right ?”
You agreed with strangled noises as best as you could with the way he was ruining your throat, but it was enough for Yunho to understand and a few seconds later, he buried himself as deep as he could one last time, cumming down your throat with a loud moan of your name. You did your best to shallow everything, some drops of the sticky substance spilling out. Yunho didn’t waste time picking them up with his fingers, sliding them between your lips instead of his cock, commanding for you to lick them clean, which you gladly did. When he finally let you breathe again, your throat was sore, but you were so wet you could feel your juices sliding down the inside of your thighs.
“- Open your mouth for me angel, yes just like that. Good girl.”
Yunho grabbed you by your throat bringing your face closer to his and kissing you messily. He didn’t care that he just came into your mouth, he didn’t care that he could still feel his own taste on your tongue as you made out with him, on the contrary, it made everything so much more intense, so much better, so much more special.
“- Was it good ?
- It was a perfect angel, you’re perfect.”
His hands slid down from your neck to your ass, guiding you to sit on his lap. His touch made you shiver, your back arching unconsciously.
“- Want me to return the favour angel ?
- Yes please, I want your fingers…”
Yunho pushed you so you would lay down on the bed again, his fingers immediately dipping to your core, brushing lightly against your clit. His fingertips glided with ease against your slit, collecting your juices and spreading them everywhere. And you were hypnotised by the sight, thinking about how well his long fingers would fit perfectly inside of you, how they could reach your sweet spot so easily.
“- You’re so wet, Y/N, you’re dripping on my hand.
- Please, Yunho…”
The way you were begging for him, the way you were calling his name, the way you were grabbing his biceps, trying to entice him in finally pushing his fingers inside of you - everything was driving him crazy, you were driving him crazy, and he was convinced that he didn’t want all of that to ever stop. His gaze was fixed on your face scrunching up with pleasure when he finally put one finger inside of your clenching pussy.
“- Feels good ?
- Yes, so good.
- You want another one ?
- Please…”
Yunho bit his lip when he watched you take his second finger with ease, relishing in your sweet voice moaning at the way he was able to reach so deep without making any efforts. You were being so good, and he didn’t have to do anything for you to do so. You were pleading for him so easily, like it was natural, and that was making him feel even more dizzy with want and desire for you. He started to pump his fingers slowly, the squelching sounds from your wet cunt echoing through the room along with your whimpers for more. His other hand creeped up to your thigh, making sure to keep them open. Pleasure was clouding your mind, but your eyes were unable to leave the sight of the veins bulging in his forearms as he fingered you restlessly, thinking about all the ways he could control you, about all the positions he could put you in if he wanted to.
And when it all started to feel too good, you plopped down against the pillows, not able to hold your own weight anymore from how his fingers were making you feel. Whenever he was curling them against that one spot, your brain turned to mush, and you could only whine and cry for more. You closed your eyes, already feeling close to your relief, but not wanting him to stop.
“- Yunho…
- What do you want, angel ?
- I-I want you to fuck me again, please…”
He didn’t let you have any time to think as he bent down to kiss you again, as a reward for being so good to him, so good for him, so perfect for him.
“- Cum on my fingers first, and I’ll fuck you as many time as you want, okay ?”
You nodded energetically, too turned on to think about anything else that wasn’t him. He let down your thigh to circle your clit, efficiently bringing you to your climax in seconds. Your nails dug into his biceps as the rush was taking over you, clenching around his fingers and moaning so loudly he was certain that the people in the room next to you could hear you scream his name. But he loved it, he was loving all of this a little too much.
But Yunho didn’t ask himself more questions as he got up to find another condom in his pockets. He didn’t dare interrogate why it felt so good when he entered your pussy for the second time. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know why hearing you moan his name again and again made his heart beat faster. All he wanted right now was you, all he needed right now was you and your perfect body.
This time, he wanted to feel you, to really feel you. So he purposely slowed down his thrusts, and even when you wrapped your legs around his waist, all he did was to suck another hickey in between your breasts. It was frustrating, but it also felt insanely good, the type of pleasure that made you unable to think, that made you go to another world because it just felt that good. You knew you were babbling incoherently, mewling for him to go faster, but you were already too far gone to care about how desperate you must look.
In the heat of the moment, Yunho didn’t think twice before grabbing your wrists and pinning them down to the mattress, but you only whined and clenched around him tighter as an answer. And that made him lose control, his thrusts becoming more sloppy, without any rhythm, because you just felt that good.
“- Yunho ! I’m gonn- Ah ! Oh my god…
- Cum for me angel, fuck, let me hear you.”
His words pushed you over the edge, the overstimulation from your two previous orgasm making this one feel even more intense and fulfilling. Your moans were high-pitched, but you couldn’t keep your voice down, you couldn’t bring yourself to care about anything else than Yunho, Yunho, Yunho. You could hear him groan as he pulled out, throwing the condom away to pump himself on top of you. He only needed a few seconds to cum on your chest, the white fluid soon covering them and even that felt good.
You felt so out of your own body that you almost didn’t register when Yunho grabbed some tissues to clean your skin. But the ringtone of your phone was like a brutal reminder that this was only a little bubble that couldn’t last forever. You got up from the bed to answer your phone, Dajeong on the other line reminding you of a gathering with some of your friends that you had completely forgotten, too focused on Yunho and what you just did. As soon as you hung up, you started to put your clothes back on. The awkward silence from before was coming back, but you didn’t want to end it like that. You wished you could’ve stayed with him a little longer, but you had to be realistic : you weren’t his girlfriend and you’ll never be. But when he grabbed your arm and kissed you passionately while you were fully dressed up and he was only wearing his underwear, it felt exactly like that.
“- Text me later, okay ? I still want us to talk.”
This was becoming too serious for you and you could feel your heart beating too fast for your liking when he cradled your face in his hands to force you to meet his eyes.
“- So you want to see me again ?
- How could I not ?”
You simply smiled and kissed him again before you left. Your legs were still weak, and when you looked at your reflections in the mirror of the elevator, it was like what you did was written all over your face - in your smudged lipstick and your ruffled hair. But it felt too good, and you were already addicted. You knew it would not be easy to stop, but you preferred to pretend that it could last forever for now.
You were afraid that everything would feel weird, that you wouldn’t even dare to look at him, or that maybe he would be the one putting an end to all of this. But he didn’t. And the way he was looking at you during his classes could only mean that he craved you just as much as you craved him. And stealing glances at each other was basically all you were able to do for the whole week, because you had a ton of assignments to work on, and because he had too much work. Both of you agreed through text that it was too risky to do anything on the campus, that nothing should happen again in his office.
However, that didn’t stop your mind from coming back to when he ate you out on his desk, or to him fucking you, or to the way his cock was feeling so heavy on your tongue. And that didn’t stop Yunho from thinking back to your plush thighs clenching around his head, or to your taste, or the way you were screaming his name when he was hitting the right spot. Every night when you came back from your classes, you laid down on your bed, trying to make the aching in your core go away, but the only thing that could satisfy you was him, and you knew it.
Your frustration reached its peak on Friday when Lola cancelled your night out because she had to work early the next morning. You knew it wasn’t her fault, that it was her colleague for calling in sick just so she could go see her boyfriend, but it still annoyed you, and it was the cherry on top. This whole week would have been stressing enough, but the fact that Yunho made eye contact with you whenever he could, and that he purposefully brushed his fingers against yours every time he handed you some documents added to your irritation.
You didn’t think twice when you sent him a text, asking him to join you to the hotel because you needed him badly. You didn’t feel ashamed of how desperate and needy you were, because you were too horny to care about the fact that you shouldn’t miss him so much after only one week of not seeing each other. And maybe Yunho should have resisted more but he longed for you, he had wanted you all week and he couldn’t contain his desire anymore.
This time, he didn’t even greet you when he entered the hotel room, going straight for your lips and taking control of the kiss, devouring your mouth as if you were his oxygen. Maybe you should've talked before doing this again, but lust was clouding his and your mind, none of you thinking about anything else than releasing the tension.
Soon enough, the floor was covered in your clothes as Yunho manhandled you on your knees, ass up and face down in the pillows, two of his fingers already buried deep inside of you. If last time, he wanted to take his time, today he just needed to ruin you, to break you down, to see you cry for him. And that was exactly what you wanted him to do, what you needed him to do to you. Your brain had already been disconnected, the words coming out of your mouth against your will.
“- Please Yunho fuck me, please wanna feel you raw, want you to fill me up, please…”
His fingers stilled inside of you for a few seconds, almost making you cry out at the loss of stimulation. What you were asking him to do was crazy, it was not safe, but the way his dick throbbed made all the thinking for him - he wanted that, he dreamt about that.
“- Are you sure about that angel ?
- Yes, please ! I’m on the pill, I’ll take a plan B, but please I need you, please…”
It was still dangerous, it was still nonsense, but Yunho wasn’t thinking with his brain anymore, nothing logical was crossing his mind anymore.
“- Fuck, you’re going to kill me Y/N.”
But he loved it, and he loved how tight you felt around him when he pushed his cock inside, loved how he could feel you even better like that, loved how pliant you were in his hold. He gripped your waist as he bottomed out, forcing you to stay still and all you could do was moan out his name like a prayer, because you could feel everything, because it felt even more intense like that, because his strength excited you. And Yunho didn’t hesitate when he started to pound into you, the feeling of your bare cunt around his dick making him delirious. You arched your back more, trying to fuck yourself against his cock because you always wanted more, you always craved more.
“- You’re such a slut, angel. Fuck ! You’re letting me fuck you raw but you get shy when I look at you, uh ? You’re so fucking naughty.”
You adored it when he called you his good girl, but the way he was holding the back of your neck to keep your head buried in the pillow, and the way he was ruining you felt just as good. The adrenaline rushing in your veins had you getting closer to the edge so quickly, but you didn’t want him to stop. You were unable to say anything else than his name, choking on your words, mewling from the tip of his cock kissing your cervix.
And Yunho wanted to talk dirty to you, to whisper all the things he knew you loved in your ears, but his mind was clouded with want, and he couldn’t think straight. All he wanted was to spill his load inside of you, do the things he imagined when he was alone, these things he forbade himself to think about. But now he could, and he never felt better than buried deep inside your tight cunt.
“- Gonna cum inside of you, okay ? Gonna fill you up like the slut you are, angel.
- Please !”
The moan he let out when he stilled inside of you was so erotic you could’ve come only listening to his voice, but the feeling of his cum painting your insides white was what made it for you, your body growing limp in his hold. His grip on your neck and hips tightened, maybe enough to leave you with some marks but you didn’t care. Both of you had trouble coming down, but when you were finally able to, Yunho helped you lay down with him, your head resting on his chest as you were still trying to catch your breath. You felt his fingers brushing your hair away from your face and you looked up at him, your heart skipping a beat when your gaze crossed.
“- I wasn’t too rough, right ?
- No, it was perfect, I loved it.”
You smiled at each other, and even if it felt too intimate, and even if it was what couples did and not whatever the two of you were, he leaned down to kiss your lips softly.
“- I loved it too. I think I just want to keep spending a good time with you, I don't want things to get more complicated than they already are, if that’s okay with you. Let’s keep it as simple as possible, yeah ?
- Yeah, I’d like that.”
You were the one to kiss him this time, as if you wanted to seal your agreement, as if it was a silent promise.
“- Where are we going ?
- It’s a surprise. You can choose the music if you want.”
You didn’t waste any time going through Yunho’s playlist, teasing him about some songs you didn’t think he would listen to and finally settling on a Lana del Ray song. It had been a week since you decided to just do what felt right and not think too much, and he had asked you if you were free to spend your Saturday with him. Of course, you said yes, but you didn’t think that he would pick you up in his car and drive you somewhere, thinking he just wanted to change from the hotel you were always meeting up and show you another place, but it felt like he was literally taking you on a date.
You watched the landscape unfold through the car window, casually chatting with Yunho about how your week went, about what you ate yesterday, about which book you read lately. Sometimes, you thought that the age difference between the two of you would make things awkward, or that it would clash with your opinions. But it was the exact opposite. Your conversations felt natural, as if you had known each other for decades, as if eight years weren’t separating you. You were twenty-two, you were an adult and you could make your own choices, but sometimes, you were worried about the way he was perceiving you.
“- Y/N ? We’re almost there.”
You looked down at your phone, seeing that it had in fact been over an hour since he had picked you up and you apparently fell asleep. You yawned as you checked your makeup and hairstyle in the mirror of the sun visor, glad to see that your little nap hadn’t messed up anything. When Yunho stopped the car, you were in a narrow street, where not many stores could be seen. You were about to get out when he asked you to wait, getting out himself and making his way over to the passenger door, opening it for you and offering you his hand to help you out. And smiled up at him as you got out of his car.
“- You’re such a gentleman.
- For you ? Always.”
His cheeky smile made you giggle, but the fact that he didn’t let go of your hand as he walked you to one of the few shops on the street made your heart skip a beat. He did nastier things to you, said words that would have made anyone feel embarrassed, but for some reason, this small gesture dusted your cheeks in a pink tone that wasn’t due to your excessive use of blush.
“- I really wanted to show you this place, I think you’re gonna love it.”
He held the door for you, a little bell ringing as you entered a cute, little bookshop. The smell of old pages invaded your nostrils as Yunho guided you through the shelves with a hand on the small of your back. You couldn’t help looking all around, stunned by how much books were in there, by how many you recognized the titles of. The atmosphere of the whole boutique was welcoming and warm, the sunlight reflecting through the coloured glass of the front window displaying moving shadows everywhere and adding to its charm.
“- You like it ?”
You turned to him with a big smile on your face, almost ready to squeal with excitement.
“- Of course I like it ! If I could spend my life there I would !
- No one’s stopping you angel.”
A big smile spread on his face as he kissed your forehead and let you wander around, eyes opening wide every time you saw a title you recognized. You were fitting perfectly in the setting with the black bow in your hair, your little brown skirt and your white turtleneck. Yunho was so lost in his contemplation that he almost didn’t hear the lady holding the shop coming out of the stocking room.
“- Yunho ! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you there !
- Yeah Mrs. McMillan, I’m sorry I’ve been quite busy.”
The old lady shook her head, her long, white hair flying around as she did so.
“- I’ve already told you to call me Isabel, honey, I’m not that old ! And you brought a pretty girl along this time.”
Yunho turned back to you, watching you fondly as you piled up books in your arms, and soon enough the stack would be higher than you.
“- Is that love I’m seeing in your eyes ?
- No, not at all, she’s only a friend.”
Putting that label on you made his heart ache, because he knew you were so much more than that, and Isabel seemed to know it as well because she looked at him with a gaze filled with disapproval as you came to the counter, still smiling.
“- Y/N, this is Isabel McMillan, she has been selling books here since I’ve been alive.
- Nice to meet you Mrs. McMillan ! I have to say that this shop might become my new favourite place, there’s so many things there, it’s incredible !”
Your excitement was contagious as a smile took over the old woman's features too, softening at having someone as passionate as you to compliment her.
“- Don’t take on your friend’s bad habits, call me Isabel, sweetheart. I’m glad you’re enjoying my hard work.
- I really do. If I could, I would buy half of these books but sadly I cannot.”
As Isabel noted down the title of the books you wanted to buy - because she didn’t want to use technology, saying it was too tiring to learn these things at her advanced age - Yunho couldn’t detach his eyes from you.
“- Since you’re with Yunho, and because I’m starting to like you, young lady, I’m going to offer you a little reduction. It’s rare to see people being so dedicated to literature these days, it will not do any harm to my business to encourage you to come again.
- Thank you so much ! But I’m gonna tell you a secret : I would’ve come back, even without that.”
The old lady laughed out loud, along with you and Yunho joined the two of you, because your good mood was infectious.
“- Do you still have the book I asked you to put away last time ?
- Of course, honey, I’m a woman of words.”
She crouched down behind the counter and came up with a book she handed him.
“- I’ll pay for it, and all the ones Y/N is taking.
- What ? No, Yunho this is almost fifty euros, it’s too much.
- Can’t I spoil you ? It’s my pleasure angel, I wanna do this for you so let me, okay ?”
The nickname had you unable to hold eye contact with him much longer, and you folded, letting him pay for your books, with butterflies coming alive in your stomach as he held the door for you again on your way out. And Isabel watched all this happen, and she couldn’t help scolding Yunho in his head for being so blind about his own feelings, for being so blind to the way you were looking at him with heart eyes. But after all, it was none of her business.
“- Put the books in my car, then we can go grab a coffee if you want.
- I’d like that, yeah ! And thank you for the books, you didn’t have to.
- Yes, but I wanted to. Stop worrying about that okay ?”
You nodded as you reached his car and you dropped the books on his back seat. But before you could close the door, he handed you the book he took for himself.
“- This one is also for you. I saw it last time and thought that you might like it. Maybe you could read it while I’m reading one of yours, and when we’re done, we could hand it back with annotations and talk about it. What do you think ?”
When you looked up at him, he looked anxious, maybe because he thought that you wouldn’t like his idea. But you did, the simple fact that he thought about you when seeing this book made you feel dizzy.
“- I think I love this idea. Wait a minute.”
You turned around, rummaging through all your new books in search of the one you saw and that you bought for the sole reason that it reminded you of him.
“- I picked up this one thinking about you, actually, so you might read it as well.”
You handed him the book, and he took it gladly as you grabbed the one he picked up for you too. You finally closed the car door and you both headed downtown to find a coffee shop. The first time your hand brushed against his, you didn’t dare to take it. And the second time, he didn’t dare to do it. So the third time, you took a deep breath and intertwined your fingers with his, and he gave your hand a little squeeze, both of you wearing a bright smile on your faces.
The coffee shop you found was surprisingly pretty empty considering it was a Saturday evening, but you were glad there were not that many people. When you approached the counter, you were ready to recite your favourite coffee order when Yunho took the lead and listed down your usual as if it was written in his mind. You couldn’t even listen to the rest of the things he said to the cashier, focused on why he knew that when you never told him. He must’ve noticed you blankly staring at him, because he turned to you with a little smirk.
“- What ? You’re surprised I know this ?
- Yes, a little. How did you figure it out ?
- Well, you always come to my classes with the same thing, it was not difficult to notice.”
You rolled your eyes, mainly to hide how flustered the information made you feel.
“- You’re so obsessed with me.”
As the cashier put your orders down on the counter and announced the price of your drinks, Yunho mouthed “Yes” to you as he paid again for the both of you without letting you enough time to even reach for your purse. And before you could even start to protest, he effectively shut you up by kissing your cheek and dragging you along with him to find an isolated table where you both sat down. As always, the conversation flooded naturally, and you were not thinking about anything displeasing - in this instant, you were truly happy.
And Yunho was happy too. So when you proposed to play a card game, and that the winner could ask the loser a question about anything, he agreed, even if it was silly, it was okay because it was you. You asked him what his favourite colour was, why he wanted to become a teacher, what he would say to Oscar Wilde if he could talk to him. And he asked you which Austen novel was your favourite, why you wanted to study literature, what your biggest dream was. You were so immersed in your little game that the staff of the coffee shop had to ask you to leave because they were closing the place, and the sky was indeed darker as you got out to walk back to his car.
He opened the door for you again, and as you watched him make his way to the driver seat, you couldn’t help asking yourself if that was really all he wanted from this afternoon. After all, even if you didn’t put a label on your relationship - if you could even call it that - you knew deep down that the main reason he was seeing you was sex. And if he didn’t plan on having sex with you now, does this mean that this meeting you didn’t dare call a date was only that ? But then, it took you down a rabbit hole of never ending questions that you didn’t want to dig into.
Sensing that your mood was a little down, Yunho didn’t dare to talk too much and disturb you, even if he didn’t understand why. You had a good time, you couldn’t stop smiling and you really seemed to enjoy hanging out with him. And the thought that you could be questioning yourself about your situationship made him a little nervous, though it shouldn’t because this was what it was - a situationship. And it didn’t matter if you made his heart beat faster everytime he saw you. And it didn’t matter if you made him feel alive for the first time in years. It didn’t matter because having more with you was simply impossible. When Yunho parked in front of your dorm, all the serotonin from this day had been washed away with the doubts filling him up.
“- Thank you for everything Yunho, I had a great time.”
But your smile seemed fake, it didn’t reach your eyes as it usually did. And Yunho felt his heart clench painfully. He didn’t want you to feel sad with him. Never. You were supposed to enjoy his company as much as he enjoyed yours.
“- Are you really alright ? If I overstepped, tell me, please. I don’t want you to keep these things from me Y/N.”
You sighed as you turned your gaze away from him, but his hands on either side of your face forced you to look him in the eyes again. Why did he have to be so perfect all the time ? It would’ve made things so much easier if he didn’t care about you.
“- You did nothing wrong, I’m just thinking too much.
- About what ?
- I just think we should be more careful if we start going out like that because someone could recognize us. And you could lose your job, or I could get kicked out. I’m probably just being paranoid but…”
That was not the problem, but you didn’t want to talk about the real reason you were feeling so melancholic. Because it would probably ruin everything, and you needed him too much for your own good, you needed him too much to risk losing him.
“- You’re not being crazy, okay ? I understand, and if you’re afraid we might meet someone we know, we can go somewhere else next time, anywhere you wanna go, i’ll take you. How does that sound ?
- Good. It sounds good.
- Then we’ll be doing that.”
You nodded, and even if you still felt a little bad, one look from him was enough to make you feel better, to make your worries all go away. So even if your heart was screaming for you not to, you let him kiss your forehead, and then your lips, so softly it made you weak in the knees. But it felt too good to ask him to stop. So you didn’t, and you just kissed him back until you were out of breath.
“- I’m gonna go, I have to work on your assignment because fucking the teacher won’t get me a free pass, right ?
- That’s the spirit angel, I’m always expecting the best from you.
- Then I have to start now. Be careful on the road, Yu.”
He nodded and watched you get out of his car, not leaving until he saw you get inside the building of your dorm. And then only did he authorise himself to let out a sigh. Because you were too sweet to be true, because you gave him a little nickname that had him feeling much more things than he shouldn’t, because your scent was still lingering everywhere and it was driving him crazy. You were driving him crazy, to be honest.
And it was bad, really bad. Yunho didn't mean for things to go this far, but he felt like he couldn’t stop now. And if he was honest with himself, he didn’t want to stop now that he had a taste of you. However, it still felt incredibly wrong to go home to his girlfriend when he had spent the day with you and that he didn’t think about her only once. The smell of home cooked food hit him as soon as he stepped inside, and the weight on his shoulders even more heavy as he announced that he was home.
“- You’re coming back late, baby ! But that’s okay, at least everything is ready for dinner, I made your favourite !”
Guiltiness was creeping up inside of him with every word she said, and everything sounded so fake when he served her his lie about having an important meeting with his colleagues. She didn’t deserve this, she didn’t do anything for him to stop loving her. On the contrary, Hana was always sweet and caring, she was there for him and had been for years. But maybe it was the problem. Maybe it has been too long. But Yunho perfectly knew the real reason, it was just too painful to admit it, and it would make things too real.
For a while, he preferred to ignore the fact that you were making the flames come alive again in his heart. He preferred to ignore how much stronger his feelings for you were than for his girlfriend he was supposed to love and cherish and marry soon. But was it really a crime when everything she was doing, everything they were doing seemed faked, forced, done out of habit rather than because of true love and affection ? Yunho knew that he was already in too deep with you to stop, and the way Hana was not paying attention to what he was saying was making him feel a little less remorseful about the way he was only seeing your face when she was kissing him good night.
Work and classes have been hectic for the both of you these past weeks, so Yunho’s proposal of a getaway trip to the beach this weekend felt like a bubble of oxygen. Sure, you had seen each other, but for never more than a quickie. Sure, you didn’t stop sending each other texts and photos to keep up with your days, but you wanted to hear him calling you angel again. And even if it was supposed to be only that, even if you shouldn’t want that, you still missed spending time with him, talking with him. So you held on to the promise of this little break with him to finally breathe and relax.
When you finally spotted his car parked a few streets away from your dorm, and his tall frame leaning against the drivers’ door, the wind blowing his perfectly styled hair, your heart started to beat faster. The rush you got everytime you laid your eyes on him never flattered. And you didn’t really think about it when you ran to him and threw yourself in his arms. You could hear him chuckling as he buried his face into your neck, holding you closer to him and spinning you around. Both of you needed this hug, and Yunho couldn’t ever get tired of your addicting scent, breathing you in for a moment before he cradled your face into his hands to kiss you like he had wanted to these past few days.
“- I missed you, angel.
- We literally saw each other yesterday.
- But not like that.”
This comment was enough to make heat rise into your body again. But you simply slapped his chest playfully as he giggled like an idiot. But he didn’t mind your teasing, it was entertaining. Like the gentlemen he always was, Yunho opened the door of the car for you. Every time he drove you somewhere, you felt like a passenger princess - getting to choose the music, opening the windows whenever you wanted, holding his hand when he didn’t need it. The weather was starting to warm up a little, and you smiled as you felt the pleasant air hit your face, making your hair fly in every direction.
And yes, Yunho felt a little guilty for cancelling plans he had with his girlfriend to take you to the beach, but he needed it. He needed to escape from his life and his routine for just one day, but more importantly, he needed you. He didn’t want to spend his weekend with her family, he wanted to spend it with you. And as he watched you run towards the water, squealing as the cold liquid touched your bare feets, he felt like it was worth it. Your long skirt was floating around you to the rhythm of the wind, and to him, you’ve never looked more beautiful than right now - with your hair all messy, and the brightest smile he’s ever seen on your face directed at him, asking him to come with you.
There were only a few other people on the beach, allowing you to be as affectionate as you wished. The picnic both of you had prepared was spent between sweet kisses and mindless conversation. And then, Yunho laid down to rest his head on your lap while you read another book he had given to you. You mindlessly started to run your hands through his hair, smiling lightly when he released a satisfied sigh, relaxing even more. And Yunho swore he could’ve fallen asleep just like that - with the sun warming up his body and your presence warming up his heart.
“- It’s been so long since I’ve last gone to the beach…”
Your self-reflection steered Yunho out of his slumber, looking up at you to find you entirely focused on the landscape in front of your eyes. Suddenly, your tone was a lot more nostalgic, and he couldn’t help his curiosity. Because yes, he knew your body like the back of his hands by now, and he knew what you were liken but he knew so little about your past, about you - the you he was starting to fall in love with.
“- But you grew up close to the ocean, right ?
- Yeah. We used to go every weekend, it was always the best day of the week and I was so excited to go every time. But when my parents started to fight, we stopped going. Apparently, it reminded them of too many memories and they had no time to do that anymore. I tried to go alone once. I was maybe eight ? I don’t remember well, but I know that I got scolded so badly I’ve never tried it again, even as a teenager. And I kinda had an apprehension to go see the ocean again.
- I didn’t know that. I’m sorry for proposing that, we can leave whenever you want if you don’t feel comfortable, angel.”
Your eyes finally came back to him, smiling softly at him as you pushed a strand of his hair away from his forehead, your touch making goosebumps come alive on his skin.
“- It’s okay, I’m over all that now. And when I think back about it, these trips were never perfect. My parents were already fighting back then, I was just too young to understand what it meant. But today I’m here with you, so I knew it would be nothing like that. You make everything better, Yu.”
You leaned forward, pecking his lips for a second or two, but it was enough to make Yunho smile again. He had no idea your childhood could’ve been so chaotic, and from what you told him, he could easily imagine the classic scheme through which you went. And it made sense with the women you were today - strong, independent and determined. But he also learned that you needed him to baby you sometimes, and he was always willing to let you fall into his open arms every time you needed to. And the fact that you were slowly opening up more and more to him everyday felt like a reward.
“- What was your childhood like ?
- Well, I have a pretty conservative and religious family, and I’ve always felt like I’ve never belonged with them. My parents love me, I know they do, but it’s like I don’t fit in with them, you know ? It’s a strange feeling, but I’ve always been the rebel one : I didn’t do the studies my parents wanted me to do, and I didn’t follow every one of their rules as I grew up, and I’ve never had the same faith as them. I think that’s what disturbed them the most.
- The feeling of being a disappointment, and of going against the flow is never easy to deal with, especially as a kid. But look where you are now. They should be proud of you for doing a job you love. At least, I’m proud of you.”
This time, Yunho made the first move to kiss you.
“You’re really an angel, too good to be true.
- I could say the same about you.”
Because he simply had that aura that made you feel safe, that made you feel comfortable, that made you feel at home. Every time you looked into his eyes, it was as if nothing else existed, as if he was the only thing that was real. But you didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to dwell on what it meant, didn’t want to think about the fact that this won’t last forever. Instead, you kept on talking, telling each other some childhood memories. And it all felt so peaceful, like you were all alone, like it was both of you against the rest of the world, like you were in a little bubble that could never burst.
And Yunho really wished he could stay like that with you forever, but the sun was starting to go down and the wind was turning colder. You could’ve fallen asleep on the ride home, lulled by the way he was quietly humming to the songs of the playlist you choose. This day made you forget about everything else, made the stress go away, made all your worries disappear. But you knew it was not only because you got away, but mostly because Yunho was with you. He always had that effect on you, no matter how hard you tried to resist it. You didn’t want this day to end, you didn’t want this feeling to ever go away. So as he parked near your dorm, you kissed his lips one more time.
“- Do you want to come up ? My roommate is not here.
- What about being careful, angel ? Anyone could recognize me here.
- It’s Sunday, everyone is either locked up in their rooms working or spending the day out. No one will see you. Please ?”
The fact that you started to kiss down his neck as well as your pleading eyes were close to breaking Yunho’s resolve. He knew he shouldn’t let you have this much of an effect on him, but you had that effect and he couldn’t deny the way he weakly said “yes” and let you drag him to your dorm room. But the way you were giggling against his lips as you pushed him to sit down on your bed made him forget all about his doubts. As you dropped to your knees on the ground, settling between his legs, Yunho couldn’t help the shaky breath that escaped him.
“- I think I have to pay you back for today, don’t I ?”
The smirk playing on your lips as you unbuckled his belt and helped him get out of his pants did nothing to calm his heartbeat down. And the way you were always so eager to take care of him, to have your mouth on him, did nothing to help either. But it felt too good, so he didn’t stop you and let you kiss his tip one time before you started to kitten-lick his cock.
“- Fuck, don’t tease, angel.
- But you look so pretty like that.”
Your pouty lips made him want to spoil you but also to be a little mean. But you were such a good girl for him, taking all of him in your mouth. Everytime you were getting down on your knees for him, Yunho couldn’t help the rush of adrenaline going through his veins. He threw his head back when he felt your cheeks hollowing, sucking him in deeper. He wanted to stay like that forever, with you drooling around his cock, and his hands buried in your hair. But he needed to have his mouth on you too, to make you feel good. So he took advantage of your size difference to throw you on the bed with ease, pushing up your long skirt so he could dip his head under the material and lick a strip of your wet cunt through your panties.
“- Yunho… Please, don’t tease.
- But you look so pretty like that.”
You smiled as you lightly slapped his shoulder, eliciting a few chuckles from him before he helped you get out of your underwear and finally got a taste of your cunt. You could only see the top of his head, but the way he was subtly nibbling on your clit had you closing your eyes to appreciate the moment even more. His tongue lapping at your cunt was sending you to places you’ve never been, and you couldn’t care less about the other people at the dorm who might hear you whining his name loudly. This day was so perfect, Yunho was so perfect. You couldn’t ask for more. Or you could, but you would be pushing your luck, and you didn’t want anything else if it meant you could be with him in some way. But you didn’t want to think about all that right now, so you pushed his head further in between your thighs.
“- Don’t stop, please…”
Yunho groaned against your folds, doubling his efforts to bring you to the edge, practically making out with your pussy at this point. But you didn’t mind, not at all. You wanted him, wanted every little part of his body and soul to be yours. As you felt your orgasm approaching, you started to grind against his face, moaning at the way his nose was bumping against your clit every time you rocked your hips. And when you came with a cry of pleasure, Yunho made sure to hold your thighs open for him to eat you until he had gulped down the last drop of your juices.
“- How do you taste better every time ? I’ll never get tired of it.
- Good. Because I don't want you to stop.”
Both of you were still half clothed, but you didn’t mind it as Yunho came up to kiss your lips, his tongue finding yours easily and his hands grabbing your breast over your top like a second nature. Everything felt so familiar, so right, like you were where you should be. Your lips were sealed to his, from the moment he pulled out his condom to the moment his cock entered you, only separating for a brief instant when you moaned in harmony.
And no words where needed as he made love to you. Because there was no other way to define how he was fucking you, to define the tenderness of his touch, the fondness of his gaze, the softness of his breath hitting your skin. Every sound he elicited from you was immediately drowned in his mouth, your hands tugging at the material of his shirt as you felt close to the edge again. You felt full of so many emotions you couldn’t even name them all, but you knew that Yunho was the only reason you were feeling all that.
“- I’m close…
- Me too, angel…”
The words you’ve been meaning to say for some time almost slipped past your lips as you felt the rush of pleasure course through your body. And if Yunho hadn’t nuzzled his head into your neck, he would’ve probably been about to say them too. As you came down of your little paradise where nothing existed except for him, you realised how close you’ve been to fuck it all up. And you didn’t want that - you were going to take everything you could have from this relationship, and no matter the state you would end up in, it would be worth it because it was him.
“- Hey ! Watch where you’re going Y/N !”
Dajeong kept you from walking straight into the door that opened just in front of your face. You sheepishly thanked her, and tried to not get lost in your thoughts again.
“- You seem absent since yesterday. Did something happen this weekend ?”
You knew exactly why you were so absorbed, you knew it. But you couldn’t say it, you couldn’t talk about it with her. It would mean putting Yunho in a dangerous situation, and yourself too. And what would she think of you ? You were always the first one to comment on how stupid all the girls crushing on your teacher were, and now you were the one who ended up in his bed every time he needed you.
“- It’s nothing, I just… Don’t know what to do about something and I’m thinking about it a little too much.”
Your eyes travelled from your friend by your side to Yunho’s silhouette. He was standing near the door of his office, having a lively conversation with a woman you’ve never seen before but you supposed that she was one of his colleagues. You had no right to be jealous. And you weren’t. Not really, at least. You were not jealous about seeing him with someone else, you were mentally prepared for that to happen. But you were jealous of how good she looked beside him, thinking about how ridiculous you must be whenever you were going out with him. Your age difference was visible, and everything felt much more right when he was with someone his age. But you quickly averted your gaze from them, not seeing the pained look on Yunho’s face as he turned his head your way.
“- You wanna talk about it tonight ?
- I don’t know, it’s complicated.”
Dajeong smiled at you and grabbed you by your arm, trying to cheer you up a little. She didn’t like to see you down - you were always so energetic and joyful, it felt odd whenever you were like that.
“- No matter what you decide, I’m here. And I’m keeping you home for a movie night anyway.
- I'd like that a lot. Thank you.
- I told you, I’m here for you.”
You thanked her again and tried not to think about Yunho for the rest of the day. You weren’t even mad at him, except the fact that you had no right feeling like that, it was mostly because you realised that you really couldn’t be with him for more than what you already were. And it hurt more than you think it would have, because even if you tried to stop yourself from daydreaming about a future with him, you still did, and you had started to believe that it could happen, that it could be true. But you had to be sensible and remind yourself that it was impossible, that even if there was the slightest chance that he loved you, he could never do it in the open, and you were not ready to stay a secret your whole life. But you still went to his office after your classes because he had asked you to. When you entered the room, Yunho was waiting for you, anxiously chewing on his nails. He gestured for you to close the door behind you and when you made sure it was locked, you took his hands in yours, confusion lingering in your eyes.
“- What is it Yu ? Are you alright ?
- I should be the one asking you that.
- Why ?
- Because of what you saw this morning. It’s not what you think, I swear there’s nothing between us, she’s just another teacher I’m working with. I’m not doing any-
- Stop.”
And he did it, mouth closing shut as you tried to not let all the doubts and the melancholy that invaded you today be perceived in your voice or your touch. You stood on your tippy toes to kiss his lips softly, hoping that it would calm him down a little.
“- I didn’t think anything about it, okay ? I’m not mad, or sad, or anything else. And you can do absolutely what you want, you know, it’s not like I’m your girlfriend or anything. I don’t have a word to say about your relationships.”
The words hurt you, but they hurt him too. He knew you weren’t his girlfriend, he made that clear enough so you understood that nothing like that could ever happen. But it still felt wrong to hear you say that, he still felt bad at seeing the slight discomfort in your eyes. However, you didn’t let him reflect on that too much as you let go of his hands.
“- Don’t worry about that, okay ? I have to go, I have plans with Dajeong for tonight but text me if you need anything.
- Yeah, have a good night angel.”
You smiled at him before leaving and Yunho’s heart clenched when he saw you go out one more time. Every night you spent together, you had always left before him, and every time, he wished you could stay a little more. And every time, he prayed that it would not be the last time he was going to see you. Even if everything about this was wrong, he didn’t want it to end, and for once, he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to think about himself, to put his happiness first and not everyone else’s opinions.
That’s why when you told him you had a really bad day, a few weeks after this incident, he decided to think about what made him happier lately and put you first. So he picked you up after class, without telling you where you were going, but it had become a habit of his to never reveal the destination of your little adventures. The ride was silent, the music being the only sound disturbing the quiet atmosphere, but as soon as Yunho parked on the hill that overlooked the whole city so you could see the sunset, you bursted into tears. Yunho pulled you into his lap, running his hands through your hair to calm you down, and encouraging you to talk to him.
“- Tell me what’s going on, angel.
- I’m just… Everything I do, it’s never enough. There’s always someone who’s doing it better, there’s always someone to remind me that I’m enough. I’m never enough, for anything or anyone.”
Seeing you like that broke his heart, but Yunho didn’t let his own emotions overpower him. He cradled your face in his hands, whipping your tears away tenderly.
“- You are enough Y/N, you’ve always been enough and the way you’re feeling right now does not reflect what you really are. You’re doing so much all the time, and for everyone. I promise you are enough, angel. And I’m proud of the person you are, I’m proud of you.”
You nuzzled your head in his chest, a little more serene than five minutes before, his scent soothing your heart and your mind, and his touch so soft and delicate you could’ve fallen asleep in his arms. You stayed like that for a moment, not needing to say anything else as his presence was enough to get you to relax, and you couldn’t say if you spent ten minutes or an hour like that, but you felt so peaceful you didn’t want to move. Whenever you were with him, it was like a little bubble engulfed the two of you, and that nothing else existed beside him and everything he was making you feel.
“- Thank you, Yu.”
And you pecked his lips to reinforce that idea. And Yunho pushed away a strand of your hair before he kissed you too, deepening it when you whimpered against his mouth and wrapped your arms around his neck to keep him closer to you. And you stayed there, simply making out and quietly talking about nothing and everything. But it was enough to calm you down. And it was enough for Yunho to be sure about what he wanted to do. But not now. Not when you were so vulnerable he felt like you could break in his arms.
“- Can you take me home ? I’m tired.
- Of course, angel. I just need to stop by the gas station.”
You nodded and kissed him one last time before getting back in your seat. Your mood was much better on the way back, casually chatting with Yunho as he drove you home with his hand comfortably resting on your thigh. You mindlessly played with his fingers, not really paying attention to the road. You only registered the notifications noises from his phone when he was out and paying for his gas. You glanced at his illuminated screen, not really wanting to know who was texting him but just out of habit, and the nickname of the person texting him was all you needed to know. “My girl 💕” was enough to understand that you weren’t the only one, that he wasn’t as invested in this relationship as you. You were aware of all these things, but to be hit by the realisation, to be faced with the truth was harsh. When he sat back down in his seat, you had to brace yourself so the tears wouldn’t spill from your eyes, so the words you were about to scream at his face wouldn’t slip out from your mouth.
“- Are you alright, angel ?
- Hum, yeah, I just wanna go home and sleep. Don't worry.”
You offered him a little smile and he caressed your cheek, but you had to mentally restrain yourself from pushing his hand away. You let him drive you home, forcing yourself to smile and seem normal and composed. Only when you were snuggled underneath your blankets did you allow yourself to let the tears fall freely from your eyes. You were expecting this to stop at some point, but not like that. You were trusting him, you thought he was telling you the truth, you thought that what would separate you would only be the fact that it was impossible, but not that.
It was so unlike him, always so kind and gentle, always thinking about you and your comfort first. That was surely why you never thought he would do something like that. But after all, you should've seen it coming. This was truly too good to be true, too perfect to last. But you would've wanted it to last for a little longer, for forever. And coming back to reality was hard, it was like waking up from a dream to realise you were only living in a nightmare all this time. That night, you fell asleep with his scent still lingering on your clothes, and dried tears covering your cheeks.
The next morning, you weren’t doing any better, if not worse. The truth was sinking in, and you were not strong enough to answer his texts yet, leaving him on read and purposely ignoring his demand to see you today. You got up from your bed either way, only because you needed to eat to compensate for your empty heart, and that what Dajeong must have cooked smelled really good.
“- Wow ! You look like a zombie. A cute zombie, but still a zombie.”
You smiled a little, but it didn’t reach your eyes. You sat down on the stool of the kitchen, watching your roommate finishing up your meal, mind clouded with thoughts of him even if he was the last thing you wanted to think about.
“- On a serious note, are you alright ?”
The casual question made you tear up again, and you had to take a deep breath so you would not cry again. Dajeong turned off the stove and came to sit down beside you, one hand resting on your shoulder as she encouraged you to talk to her. And you did. You told her everything about what had been going on between Yunho and you for months. It felt like it all started yesterday, like it was only a dream. But with the way it was about to end, you rather have not started this at all.
“- I would’ve never thought that you would be the type to go out with our teacher.
- I know. There’s just something about him that I can’t get enough of. I… I think I love him.”
It was the first time you dared to say the words. But it was true. You loved him even if you tried to resist it, even if you tried not to succumb to the temptation he was. But you gave in, and you were happy for as long as it lasted. You knew it would hurt, but you didn’t think it would hurt that much. You underestimated how important he became, how much you relied on him for everything.
“- And it’s not even the fact that he has a girlfriend or someone else that makes me mad, I was okay with that because I had come to terms with the fact that I will never be more than what we were. But he treated me like I was more, he made me think that he cared about me just to pull out something like that. And I had to find out, he didn’t even have the balls to tell me himself.
- He’s a coward, I must admit. And he clearly doesn’t deserve you. He could have never loved you like you need to be loved, you’ll always be a secret with him. It’s better like that.
- Maybe. But it hurts.”
Some tears escaped your eyes again, and Dajeong didn’t hesitate before pulling you into a tight hug, caressing your head as a way to calm you down. She knew how much a heartbreak could hurt, especially when it ended up like that, especially when it was as intense as what you had.
“- I know, lovely. It’s gonna take time, but it’s gonna stop hurting eventually. But I think you should talk with him, ask him clearly what’s going on before completely cutting him out of your life. You need closure, you at least deserve that.”
You nodded as Dajeong proposed that you spent the day together, doing some skincare and talking again and again about the same people for the hundredth time while watching some silly movies to cheer you up. And you did exactly that, trying to not think about him for at least one day. You were anxious to go back to class on Monday, fearing that everything would be awkward, or that he would completely ignore you. Somehow, you found the courage to send him a text throughout the weekend, simply to tell him that you needed some space, some time to think about you and him. You didn’t see the point of lying to him, and you silenced his notifications just after. You were strong enough to answer him, but not to witness him pretend and care about you.
Your resolve started to crumble when you saw how miserable he looked the next few days in class. His eye bags were terrible, and he seemed to have lost all his energy. Usually, Yunho would animate all his classes and passionately teach you his subject, but lately, he was only giving you some group work to do, keeping his interventions to a minimum. He spent his time sitting at his desk, either trying to grade some papers or zoning out, looking through the windows. Everytime his sad eyes fell into yours, your heart clenched and ached. But you didn’t have the strength to confront him about what you saw on his phone. You wanted to talk to him, you wanted him to deny, to tell you it was not what you were thinking and that you were the only one - even if you knew it was impossible and that dreaming about it made everything hurt ten times more badly.
You missed him. You missed hearing his voice, his laugh. You missed his smile, and the dimple he had when you made a terrible joke he couldn’t help giggling at. You missed his touch, the way every time his skin was against yours everything else disappeared. You missed being in his arms, and the sentiment of security it gave you. You simply missed him, and having to see him everyday without being able to look at him for more than a few seconds was a torture. And even if you had unblocked him because you were weak, you continued to ignore every one of his texts and calls either way. It was painful, but a lot less than if he told you face to face that he had someone else, that he lied to you, that he made you fall head over heels for you before fucking it all up, before crushing your heart in between his fingers.
One day, when you came back to your dorm, you found flowers waiting for you by the door. There was no card with it, but Yunho was the only one who knew that lilies were your favourite flowers. And you cried again when you opened the trash can only to find yourself unable to throw the bouquet away. So you kept it, putting it in a vase and placing it on the kitchen’s counter, seeing him every time you looked at the flowers.
Another day, when you handed him back an assignment and that your hand brushed against his, it was like time stopped for a moment. Your breath was knocked out of your lungs as you looked up at him, and the plethora of emotions you caught dancing in Yunho’s eyes was enough to bring you back to when he was calling you angel, to when he was treating you like the most beautiful girl in the world. You ran away as quickly as possible, because you were on the verge of telling him that you loved him, and that it would only make things even more complicated than they already were. You felt so stupid for falling for your teacher, but you felt even more ridiculous for believing that you could be more than a side piece to him.
However, that didn’t stop you from looking at the texts he sent to you, asking you to come meet him in his office because he wanted to explain everything properly. You heard Dajeong words ringing in your head as you took a deep breath and entered the room you had grown familiar with. His scent surrounded you immediately, and Yunho jumped upon your arrival. His glasses were sitting on the bridge of his nose, and his hair were completely dishevelled. You still managed to be smitten by his ethereal beauty. But the way he was looking at you with such desperation forced you to avoid his gaze quickly.
“- Y/N…”
His voice broke down, and your heart broke too, a little more every time he tried to start a sentence. Yunho wanted to forget everything, to hold you in his arms and promise you the world. But he couldn’t, and the way you were hugging yourself made him want to get down on his knees and beg for your forgiveness. In all honesty, he would do it in the blink of an eye if you asked him, he would do anything if it meant you would forgive him. But it was nearly impossible, and he was well aware of that, but you deserved an explanation - that and so much more.
“- What did you want to tell me ?”
Your tone was harsher than you wanted it to be, and you didn’t dare look his way, and Yunho didn’t dare make a step in your direction, afraid that you would run away again. But he had to tell you the truth, he had to be honest for once.
“- It’s not what you think, angel.
- Please, spare me with that, I’m not blind, nor an idiot.
- No, you’re not… And that’s why you deserve to know what is going on. The message you saw the other night was from… My girlfriend.”
You knew it, but to hear him say it was different. It hit exactly the right spot to reopen some wounds that had never healed. You already felt on the verge of tears, but you tried to keep them under control, gripping the handles of your tote bag to ground yourself in reality and brace yourself for what was coming.
“- But I don’t love her anymore, it's been a long time since I’ve stopped feeling anything for her. We met when we were in highschool, and we were a good match at that time. She was my friend before becoming more, but after all this time, there's nothing left of what I felt for her in the beginning. We were only kids, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life and my family had already planned my future with her. They want me to marry her. But I don’t, not at all. But if I leave her, I know that they will never want to see me again. So I stayed with her but you made me realise what it was to live and be happy again, and that I don’t want to marry someone I don't genuinely love.”
While he was talking, Yunho took some steps in your direction, trying to maintain eye contact with you even if all he wanted was to slap himself in the face for how stupid he had been to think he could handle this the way he did it, to think that you would never discover his secret. At least, you were here. At least, you were listening to him. It should mean something. It should mean that everything wasn’t over yet, right ? Yunho held on to that, but when he tried to reach for your hand and you took a step back, your eyes glistening with tears, it was hard to believe that everything could be alright. And to know that he was the reason you were crying made him feel even more guilty.
“- I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, angel. I wanted to do it a million times, but I was so afraid of losing what we had, I didn’t want to freak you out. And I couldn’t lose you. You are my oxygen, my breath of fresh air in the middle of all this mess, and I need you. I promise I wanted to tell you everything the night you discovered it. But you became so quiet all of sudden, and when I looked at my phone, I assumed you had seen her text. But I swear on my life, I wanted to tell you. I should’ve never lied to you in the first place, I know that, and you can’t imagine how sorry I am.”
You were now sobbing uncontrollably, trying to cover up your voice with your hand, but the hot tears falling down your cheeks were enough proof of how affected you were. Yunho wanted to cradle you in his arms, to protect you from the world like he always did, but he couldn’t shield you from himself and his mistakes. He was supposed to be your safe place, your comfort zone, not to make you feel like that.
“- Do you understand how bad I felt when I saw this message, Yunho ? I… I knew this wouldn’t last, but to realise that you lied to me all this time was even more painful. You made me believe that we had a future together, and you treated me like your girlfriend even when I was not, even when you had someone waiting for you at home. And it hurts.”
Your voice broke down on the last words. You felt pathetic, some kind of silly, naive girl who couldn’t see what was right in front of her eyes, some kind of idiot who thought that it could end well, that it could end without you suffering too much.
“- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. And I’ll spend the rest of my life apologising if that’s what you want. We can have a future together, I want a future with you.
- I can’t see it. I-I can’t ask you to leave her, and to turn your back on your whole family for me. ”
One tear rolled down Yunho’s cheek, and you wanted to wipe it away, but he did it himself before you could do anything. It was better like that. If you felt his skin against yours again, you didn’t know if you would be able to finish what you started.
“- I could do it. If it’s what it takes to keep you with me I’ll do it. I’ll do anything. I love you, Y/N. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I love you so bad it makes my heart ache. I’m ready to do everything it takes to be with you. Everything.”
You should’ve been happy to hear these words you were longing for him to say, only weeks prior. But right now, it only broke your heart more, it only pushed the knife a little deeper into your open wounds.
“- That’s not what I want for you, you deserve better. I don’t want to fuck up your whole life, even if it meant I could love you.
- But you are my whole life, you’re the only thing I need.”
You wanted to believe him. You wanted to say yes so bad. You wanted to fall back into his touch, to fall back into his arms. But you couldn’t. Still, you let him caress your cheek, swiping his thumb against it to get rid of the tears that had dropped there. It was like you could finally breathe, as if the weight on your heart and the knot in your throat had disappeared only because he touched you. He always had that effect on you. But you had to leave, you had to leave or you would cave in and you knew it wasn’t good for you. So you took his hand in yours, pushing it away slowly, as if not to scare him away. You looked up into his teary, brown eyes. It broke your heart to see him in such a state, but you had to think about yourself too. You had to take care of yourself now that he wasn’t here to do that anymore.
“- I’m sorry, I need some time to think. I’m… Not sure I can love you like this anymore. I’m sorry.”
He tried to smile at you, but it was joyless, without this little sparkle in his eyes that you loved so much.
“- You don’t have to apologise, angel. You did nothing wrong, I’m the one who fucked up. I’m the only one to blame here. Take all the time you need, I’ll wait for you.”
You nodded, and you finally let go of his hand, painfully slow to feel his touch for as long as possible. You took a last look at him before turning away and unlocking the door of his office.
“- Goodbye, Yunho.”
It felt like you were saying farewell, and Yunho wanted to run after you, to beg you to let him still be a part of your life. But he had to respect your choice. So he stayed still, standing there as if it could freeze time in place and give him the ability to come back in time and do things differently. But it was too late, and the only thing he could do was give you space and hope you would grant him a second chance, and hope you would be kind enough to forgive him even if he didn’t deserve it at all.
You thought that clearing up the situation with Yunho would make it easier for you to move on and forget him as you had initially planned, but you clearly were in the wrong. Feeling his eyes on you was even more painful now. But at least, he seemed to have found his energy back. It was the only thing that made you feel a little better. Because you felt like shit, even if you tried to convince yourself that what you did was for the best, that you couldn’t be together, that you had to be sensible, you didn’t want to do all that. You craved his touch, his kisses, his loving gaze. You craved him and his soothing aura. You craved his love. You wanted him back, but everything was so complicated, everything was so messed up, you weren’t even sure it could work.
Even if Yunho respected your wish for space and time, he still hadn’t stopped texting you throughout your days - reminders for you to drink, eat and rest properly. You never answered but you saw the messages and it was all that mattered to him. And even if he tried to come back to his daily life, to his routine, he couldn’t. You had taken such an important place in his heart that everything felt empty without you and your smile to brighten his world. Nothing felt as appealing as before. Reading couldn’t take his mind out of things anymore, because he could only see your annotations on the ones you had given to him. And everytime he passed by Mrs McMillan bookstore, his thoughts immediately came back to you and how pretty you looked that day.
So when some colleagues from the university invited him to have some drinks after work, he said yes. Yunho hoped that some alcohol and talking about anything and everything could take his mind off of you. But all it did was make it worse. With each drink, he felt the urge to call you even stronger. All he wanted was to at least hear your voice, hear his name fall from your lips, see your face, even if the pain he caused was written all over it.
“- Angel…
- Yunho ? Why are you calling me ? Is there something wrong.”
He sighed in relief at finally hearing your voice ringing in his ears again, at finally hearing you say his name. He preferred the surname you had granted him, but he would take everything that you were willing to give him.
“- I just… I miss you, and I need you, and I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you again. Because I feel like I didn’t apologise enough.
- It’s okay, I swear. I told you I need some time. Everything is…. Puzzling.
- Still, I’m sorry.
- I know you are.”
There was silence, but the fact that you hadn’t hung up yet made a little bit of hope blossom in his heart. Maybe there was still a chance. Maybe there was still a world in which you could grant him your forgiveness.
“- I can’t imagine my life without you. I tried. But I can’t. I need you, angel.
- You know that we can’t, that I can’t. You have a girlfriend, and your family, a career. I can’t just come in and mess up everything.
- I don’t care about all of that. If I’m with you it’s worth it. Please, angel, let me at least see you, even if it’s the last time I get to have you. I want you, one last time. After that, I’ll let you go if that’s what you really want, and I promise you will never have to worry about me again.”
You stayed silent for a while again, your defeated sigh being the only noise echoing through the line.
“- Okay. But this is the last time.”
However, when you joined him in the hotel room you had grown familiar with, you didn’t want it to be the last time. You wanted to stay in his arms forever. You didn’t talk, afraid of the things you could say, afraid you would beg him to stay, to come back, to do exactly what he swore he would do if only you asked him. But you tried not to think about that as you let him kiss you tenderly, as if you were going to break under his touch. And you might, because you needed him so bad it made everything hurt when he was not there.
No words were exchanged as you got rid of your clothes. No words were exchanged when you pushed him down onto the bed and straddled his thighs. No words were needed when you kissed him for the first time in weeks. It felt like you could both finally breathe, like you felt alive again, and it made all the pain go away for just a moment.
“- I missed you, angel, missed you so fucking much…
- Me too, Yu.”
This was all you were able to say before he shut you up with another desperate kiss, making out with you as if it was the last time he got to have your lips on his - and maybe it would be. So you just decided to shut off your brain, simply running your hands through his hair and thinking about nothing else. You wanted to take your time and appreciate his touch, his eyes and the way he was moaning under your hands, but it felt like you were in a hurry, quickly discarding both of your underwear and sinking down on his cock. You gripped his shoulders, closing your eyes as you let yourself bask into the feeling of finally being full. But your desire took over you, grinding on his dick desperately.
And Yunho couldn’t look at your face, couldn’t see your beautiful eyes without thinking back to them filling up with tears the day he messed up everything between the two of you. But his body was overwhelmed by the feeling of you wrapped around him after weeks of only being able to look at you from afar, relying on his souvenirs to remember what it felt like to kiss you. He desperately wanted to engrave your face in his memories and keep it there forever, but it was too hard. So instead, he just flipped you over the bed, burying his head in your neck to not be tempted to cross your gaze anymore. But his hands still found their way to yours, fingers intertwining as he sped up the pace of his thrusts, both of you moaning in harmony.
It wasn’t as intimate or as emotional as Yunho wanted your last time together to be like. But the alcohol was clouding his mind even more than everything he felt for you, and the urge to make you his - even if you weren’t, and that you would never be - was taking over him more and more with every clench of your cunt around him.
“- Fuck, angel… Tell me you love me please…”
You didn’t want to, because you knew how that would make both of you feel, but the words spilled out from your lips before you could stop it, squeezing his hands tighter.
“- I love you, I love you so much…”
It was enough for Yunho to feel a rush of emotions and desire flood through his veins, his thrusts becoming sloppy and losing any kind of rhythm. It all felt too much, from the way he was hitting your sweet spot to the way his little whines mixed with “i love you”’s that made your heart throb and your mind wanting to hear more of them. It all felt too much to the point you felt on the verge of tears as he laid on top of you, trying to regain some consciousness. But you were fully aware of everything that had just happened, and even if you wanted nothing more than to spend another night in his arms, you knew it wouldn’t do you any good. So you stayed like that until he fell asleep, murmuring again and again against your skin how much you meant to him, that he needed you. And then you ran away, putting your clothes back on in a hurry and checking out your appearance in the mirror of the elevator you had grown familiar with. Except that this time, there was nothing left from the joyful sparkle that usually brightened your eyes whenever you left the hotel. All you could see was how miserable he made you once again, all you could see were the tears cascading down your cheeks and along the marks he left on your neck. You slapped your hand on your mouth, pathetically trying to cover up your sobs. It hurt even more than that day, for some reasons. It all hurt too much to hold it in.
When Yunho woke up in the morning to an empty bed, he was not surprised, but he was still disappointed. He wished he could have woken up one last time to your pretty and relaxed face, he wished he could have held you through the night one last time. Even if it happened only a few times, when you were too tired to go back to your dorms, it still felt incredibly right to open his eyes and see you all cuddled up against him. Getting up and leaving the room he had so many memories in revealed to be a lot more difficult than he thought it would have been. He took his time getting dressed and making sure he didn’t forget anything before slowly closing the door behind him. Taking a quick look at his reflection in the elevator’s mirror like you did only a few hours ago was enough to notice how wretched he was. His hair were a mess, his eye bags were even worse than a few days before despite him having overslept, and his clothes were wrinkled. But the way it was written all over his face was even more telling.
The ride back to his apartment was like a walk of shame - because he had promised to his girlfriend that he would be back before 2am, because he made you suffer again, because he felt like shit, like there was no escape from this situation he put himself in. Yunho only had time to hope that Hana was still asleep but as soon as he opened the door, she jumped from her spot on the couch where she had apparently spent a lot of time worrying, seeing how panicked she seemed.
“- Where were you !? You told me you would be back last night and it’s fucking 10am, Yunho !”
Her anger was totally justified, but the only thing he wanted to do right now was to just be swallowed by the floor, or to curl up in his bed and not get up for the next three years.
“- I’m sorry, baby, I…
- You what !? It’s the fourth time you’re pulling something like that on me this month, what is going on !?”
Yunho was ready to serve her another well prepared lie, the ones he kept on telling her since he started ditching her to be with you. But he just couldn’t bring himself to say that they all got back to one of his coworkers apartment to keep drinking after the bar closed, and that his phone died so he couldn’t warn her about it, and that he was too drunk and out of his mind to think about borrowing one of his colleagues’. He couldn’t lie to her right now, he couldn’t anymore. And as if it was now a habit every time you sneaked into his mind, he felt tears prickling his eyes, dropping his head low like the coward he was because he couldn’t bear to see her hurt, to see her crying because of him too. And as it had become quite usual for him through the course of these last weeks, apologies slipped past his lips.
“- I’m sorry Hana, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry…
- Yunho… Tell me what happened, talk to me. You’ve been so distant and quiet lately, it’s not like you to be so… So absent.”
He wanted to answer, to finally tell her the truth, to tell her everything, but he couldn’t get any word to leave his mouth, only quiet sobs resonating in the hallway as he tried to stop the tears from running down his cheeks. Slowly, Hana got closer to him, taking his hands in hers and guiding him to the couch where he sat down without any resistance and let her pull him into a hug. She could hear his voice shaking and breaking down everytime he let out another apology. It took a long moment for Yunho to finally be able to calm down and find his words back. And when he did, it didn’t make things easier, it didn’t make telling her easier.
“- I… I met someone.”
The sad but knowing smile spreading on her lips told him everything he needed to know. Because, of course, she was not dumb. Of course, she had understood a long time ago what was going on. Of course, Yunho was the only asshole, the only one to blame for everything he put her, and you, through.
“- I expected you to say that.
- I’m so fucking sorry, Hana. I never meant for that to happen, I hadn’t even thought about doing that before I met her. And once it started I couldn’t stop, and when I wanted to tell you everything, it was already too late to not hurt you, and I just got carried away. I’m sorry, I really didn-
- Stop ! Just… Stop.”
So Yunho did, anxiously watching her as she ran a hand through her hair, probably trying to come up with an easy way to tell him that he was a bastard. Which he was, to be honest.
“- I’m not an idiot. I know that you stopped loving me years ago, Yunho. And I’m not blind either, I saw how you got that sparkle in your eyes back one day, and I knew very well it was not because of me. And before you say anything about being sorry, I know it. I know you are, and I know that you wouldn’t have wanted to hurt me even if I’m just a friend in your eyes.
- Hana…
- Don’t look at me like that, it’s not a big deal. We’ve been a couple since highschool, it was impossible for us to keep on loving each other until the end of times. I stopped feeling any romantic feelings a while ago, too. Our families are simply what they are, and we can’t change them. But I’m kind of glad you gave us a valid excuse to break up.”
Yunho couldn’t help the giggles that escaped him. She always had that dark humour that he loved so much, and that nobody got except for him and her.
“- You did not just forgive me for cheating on you because you wanna break up, right ?
- Oh, I certainly did !”
Both of them laughed it off, and it was like a weight was lifted off of his chest, like he could finally breathe a little better. Not as well as when he was with you, but it was a little less bad, now.
“- You’re sure you wanna do this ? You know how much trouble we’re gonna get into if we break up, right ?
- I know, and trust me when I tell you that I’ve thought about it a lot before. And I’m ready, I don’t want them to dictate my life anymore. I think you can understand that better than everyone else.
- Yeah.”
Silence fell back onto the room, and Yunho never felt more at home in his own apartment than after having agreed to break up with his years-long relationship. But he knew it was better like that, knew that they both needed to finally close this chapter of their life and take a new beginning.
“- We’re still friends, though, right ? I still need to hear you spill all the tea about your weird coworkers.”
Hana laughed loudly, and the smile spreading on her lips had never been this wide since so much time that he almost forgot what she looked like when she was happy.
“- Of course ! And I wanna know all the updates about that girl, because she must be brave to want to engage in a relationship with you.”
It was his turn to smile and let happiness fill him again. Why he waited so much time to finally be honest with her when it was clear that they had no feelings for each other anymore would certainly forever be an enigma. But at least, they were both free. At least, Hana could find someone that will truly love her, that will love her like she deserved to be loved. And Yunho didn’t know if that would be enough to convince you that he was serious about you, that he truly loved you, but he had to try. Because you were worth every tear he shed, and all the pain in the world. He would go through these weeks of anguish again and again if it meant you would take him back.
But Yunho had always been a gentleman - and yeah, it was ironic to describe himself like that after everything he had done - and he let you have as much time as you needed, as much space as you asked for. And even when the urge of letting you know about everything that happened was strong, he resisted the temptation to call you, or to send you a text he knew you would not read because you stopped doing that since that night.
Everytime his gaze crossed yours in class, it was as if the first time he kissed you in that empty classroom replayed in his mind, it was as if he could still see himself wearing his leather jacket more often only because it still smelled like you and your perfume, it was as if he could still hear you say you loved him for the first time. Everytime his gaze crossed yours in class, he wished you wouldn’t shy away, he wished you wouldn’t look so hurt, he wished he could go back in time and not do all the mistakes he did, he wished he could do everything right and make you happy, and love you right.
Still, he let you run away after every class so you wouldn’t risk staying in his presence too much. Still, he let you slip through his hands a little more every time you answered his questions about books he had given to you without that energy and passion you had when it was only the two of you in that hotel room, when everything was still perfect. But it also felt like if he didn’t do something right now, you were gonna leave and never come back in his life. He had to do something, he had to stop being a loser, he had to show you that you were never the second choice.
You were surprised to find another bouquet of lilies on your doorstep before going to class on a random Wednesday. It had been weeks since you last talked to him outside of classes, and it had been more than two months since you last looked at his texts. You weren’t strong enough to block his number again, but you tried not to open the messages anymore. This time there was something written on a little note ; him asking you to meet him by the hill he showed you the night it all went down if you were willing to listen to him, and that if you didn’t come, he would understand that you didn’t want to see him again and that he would leave you alone, no questions asked.
You thought that you would hesitate more, but in your heart, you had already made the decision to go as soon as you saw the bouquet of your favourite flowers he managed to remember even months after you told him. When you parked your car at the spot he had showed you, his was already there. Yunho was waiting for you, contemplating the cityscape, leaning against the hood of his car, hands in the pockets of his black pants, his white tee moving along with the wind. He looked good in anything, but these simple outfits were always making him look so cosy that you wanted nothing more than snuggling in his arms.
The warmer wind of the end of spring hit your face as soon as you put your feet outside, the breeze making your hair and the skirt of your flowy dress fly around like you were in some type of dramatic movie. Expect that in those, it always ended well, and that you knew for a fact that your happy end was impossible. But Yunho turned to look at you almost in slow motion, and this time, you couldn’t avoid his intense stare, and this time, you wanted to dive back into whatever the two of you had.
“- You came.”
His voice was steady, but you could still hear the relief seeping through his words.
“- You asked.”
It was as simple as that, as simple as breathing and walking, as simple as reading and writing. He asked, he called, and you were there in a heartbeat because you would sell your soul for him.
“- We broke up. We agreed that we didn’t love each other anymore for a long time, and that it was the best decision for both of us.”
You wanted to be sarcastic, wanted to tell him something along the lines of “you want a medal or something”, but it was only because you didn’t know how to deal with that information. Because you didn’t know if it meant anything to him, if it meant anything to you. Before you could think about a kinder response, Yunho continued.
“- I told you I was willing to do everything if it meant I could be with you, and I was serious. This is the first step, and I’m gonna go all the way even if you’re not willing to give me a second chance because you made me realise how wrong I was all this time.
- But you have a family, friends and a job. You won’t give all that up for me, I don’t want you to.
- Angel, I’m taking all these risks because it’s for you, because I want you to see that I’m ready to do anything it takes to be with you, and that I’ll keep proving that you didn’t make a mistake by choosing me if you’re letting me come back into your life. My family gave up on me a long while ago, it’s only time for them to understand everything they put me through. And I believe that my friends will be wise enough to choose to support me, because you’re my happiness, and that’s what they should wish for me.
- Yes, but you’ll still be my teacher.
- I’ve been your teacher until then and it didn’t cause any problems, did it ? And even if I got in trouble, I know we would figure something out. You mean everything to me Y/N, and I will spend the rest of my life making myself worthy of you if you let me because I love you like I’ve never loved anyone else before.”
Your mind wanted you to say no, but your heart was begging for you to say yes, to give in, to let yourself be happy. And for once, you decided to stop being reasonable. For once, you decided to let things go, to let him guide you through it, to let yourself live.
“- You already are. You’ve always been worthy of me, Yu. I-I love you too, I love you so much.”
This time, when tears started to run down your cheeks, Yunho didn’t hesitate one second before pulling you into his arms, running his fingers against your back to soothe you. The way you immediately circled his waist to have him closer to you made his heartbeat pick up, and you chuckled lightly against his chest when you noticed it. And you stayed like that for who knows how long. The only thing you were aware of was that you’ve never felt as good as when you were in his arms. And maybe it was wrong, maybe it was a mistake. But it felt just right, it clicked perfectly, like the last pieces of a puzzle you had forgotten on your desk for years and that you finally came back to complete only now. When you raised your head to look him in the eyes, Yunho smiled, and you couldn’t help doing the same, especially when he kissed your forehead, and then your nose, and then your lips.
“- In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
You wanted to slap him for being so cheesy, but the way your heart missed a couple of beats at the intensity with which he was looking into your eyes rendered you unable to talk, unable to think about some quote to say back to him.
“- If you keep on confessing to me like that, I might give in, you know…
- Don’t worry about that, angel, I have a ton of citations you’re gonna love.”
His boyish grin made you smile wider, and you couldn’t help the urge to kiss him again, because now you had the right to do so. Being the teacher’s pet had its downsides, but in terms of love confessions, you were certain that Yunho would never run out of ideas. And you were okay with that, because as long as he was with you and that you were with him, there was no way something would go wrong. You smiled at him, and he smiled at you, and as the sun set behind you like in the romance movies you despised, you thought that maybe, happy endings were not so bad in the end, especially when you were the one getting kissed passionately at the end of the film.
-> i don't allow any copies, translations or reposts of my work.
-> moon dividers by @samspenandsword
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heatstroke
stray kids x ninth member!reader
genre: fluff, angst
content warnings: heat stroke, vomiting
word count: 1.9k
summary: y/n suffers from heat stroke on the day of their performance at lollapalooza
As voted by you!
It's finally here! Sorry it took me a while to post this after the poll ended, but I hope you enjoy!
As always, like, reblog if you enjoyed, and my asks are open for any requests you may have. And let me know if you'd like to be tagged when I post :)
MAIN MASTERLIST
They had made it to Paris. Y/N couldn't believe how big the crowd would be for their performance at the festival 'Lollapalooza'. The sun was shining, and all she wanted to do was fully appreciate the nice weather. Although, where there was a Changbin, there was always chaos.
"Hwang Hyunjin!" Changbin called from opposite Y/N in his deck chair.
"Why do you keep calling me? Wae? Wae. Wae?" Hyunjin loomed over Changbin in a hoodie and sunglasses, wondering why the older member wanted his attention.
"Jinnie how are you wearing a hoodie right now? The sun's out, it's boiling," Y/N raised an eyebrow at him.
"It's not that hot," he shook his head at her, probably side eyeing her from behind his shades.
Each to their own, Y/N thought.
Somehow they came onto the topic of noodles but Y/N wasn't really fussed, she had ramen all the time back home.
She was more trying to relax, and she couldn't help but fall asleep from the comforting warmth of the French sunshine.
"Y/Nnie, wake up, you look like a tomato," Jeongin shook her awake, and as she became fully aware she realised her arms and neck was feeling quite hot.
Shit, she forgot her sun cream.
"You good? Your arms are so red," Chan peered at her, concerned.
"Mmm, my neck feels hot too," Y/N sits up in the deck chair, brushing her hair back so the boys could see.
"Aish that sunburn looks bad, you should have put on some suncream," Felix lightly brushes his finger over her red arm, making her wince.
"Gosh, I'm going to look like a tomato when we perform," Y/N laughs as she looks down at her arms.
"At this rate you won't just look like a tomato, you'll look like the whole garden," Lee Know smirks, proud of his joke.
"Ha, ha, very funny Lee Know," Y/N pats his cheek in a jokingly patronising way, smiling back at him.
"You need to take better care of yourself, Y/N," Chan looked over her, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry Channie, I just wanted to enjoy the nice weather," Y/N pouted.
"You do realise you can get skin cancer if you burn too much?" Seungmin pointed out, taking a sip of water from his bottle.
"Yah, Seungmin don't say things like that I'll get paranoid," Y/N whacks his arm lightly.
"Hey I'm just saying, your skin will age faster too," Seungmin shrugged.
"I'll look like an old woman next to you guys and I'm the youngest!" Y/N laughed, Han appearing with aloe vera out of nowhere and gently rubbing it into her skin, letting out quiet apologies when she winced.
"That's why I'm helping you, don't want you to look like a 60 year old next to us whilst we still look the same," Han laughed loudly.
"Haha, that would look kinda funny though," Y/N laughed at the thought. Perhaps she'd look like grandma I.N with the rest of the group alongside her.
"You know what else would be funny?" Changbin wiggled his eyebrows at her.
"What?" Y/N asked curiously, shifting her body to stand and face him.
"To see you dancing on stage like a tomato, everyone going crazy because of how big and red you are," Changbin maniacally giggled.
The boys burst out laughing at the statement and Y/N's face.
"Huh? Big?!" Y/N gasped laughing.
"I was talking about your cheeks, they're really big and red right now," Changbin laughed, waving his hands in defense of how what he said had sounded.
"Haha, I'll introduce myself like, hi! This isn't Y/Nnie, I'm tomato today!" Y/N put on her stage voice, pretending to introduce herself to her fans.
The members all laugh at her, Jeongin walking up to her and tickling her sides.
"Hey! Are you the new mascot for ketchup?" he cheekily grinned, eyes disappearing through his smile.
"Yah! Jeongin!" Y/N guffawed from his remark.
"Ah, our tomato is blushing so much," Lee Know pats her head smirking.
"Stop, stop," Y/N waves them away.
"Haha, seriously though, come inside the tent for a bit, you should stay out of the sun," Chan guided her into their tent where they were setup before their performance.
"Yeah it's not like we're performing until a few hours anyways," Lee Know nodded, as they all sat around inside.
"Aish, I'm tired," Y/N laid her head down in Han's lap, his hand brushing through her hair out of habit.
"You were literally just napping," Hyunjin raised a brow at her.
"Yeah but..." Y/N closed her eyes feeling relaxed at the familiar feeling.
"Drink some water first," Hyunjin put a bottle of water with a straw in it to her face.
Still with her eyes shut she took a sip and then relaxed. It wasn't until a couple of hours later that she was woken up and ushered to the stylists and makeup artists to get ready.
The crowd was insane. And really, they were the only thing keeping her going as she could feel her energy depleting. She didn't notice the glances from the boys throughout the performance, occasionally spotting her swaying yet she still managed to keep her vocals stable as they performed Superbowl for the first time ever, and Item for the second time ever.
The euphoria running through her veins began to leave her once they reached backstage. With a smile she listened to Felix end their set to hype the crowd with Seven Nation Army. But she couldn't help her slumped figure as she sat down after her desperate search for a chair.
"You good, Y/Nnie?" Chan patted her shoulder, trying to get her attention.
"Hot," Y/N panted, tugging at the collar of her leather jacket that she had been fitted with for the stage performance.
"Take it off then," Changbin helped her shake it off, now feeling concerned at her heavily sweating state.
"What's going on with Y/N?" some of the other members asked as they walked over.
"Ugh, my head," she groaned, now leant forward as she gripped onto her knees for some stability.
"Have some water, silly," Seungmin encouraged her to take his own, yet her shaky hand wasn't very reassuring to the others.
"Y/Nnie, you can't even hold onto it, are you dizzy? What's the matter?" Felix poured out questions, worried about the state she was in.
"Mmm," Y/N nods, as Jeongin helps her sip from the water bottle.
"Ah that's not good," Hyunjin shakes his head, frowning.
"Here, come on, let's get you relaxed somewhere else," Changbin helps her stand, yet as her body becomes upright she stumbles, Lee Know helping to support her balance.
Y/N suddenly tears up, feeling scared about how she was feeling. It was all too overwhelming, and everything felt too hot.
"C-can't feel my arms," Y/N whimpered as tears fell down her cheeks, the boys murmuring amongst themselves worriedly.
"You can't feel your arms?" Felix asked, a scared look on his face, and that made Y/N feel worse, she didn't want the boys to be stressed out for her sake.
"I'm sorry, I..." Y/N trailed off, still panting as she was guided back to her chair, the boys deciding it was for the better for her to rest for now where she was, instead of moving her somewhere else.
"You're okay. Everything is going to be ok, sweetheart, we've got you, yeah?" Chan hushed her soothingly, Han rubbing her back in small circles.
"Should we call a medic?" Jeongin asked, eyes wide with uneasiness.
"Yes, good idea, Innie," Lee Know nodded at him, as they both went to look for some help.
"Y/N, you're ok, you're going to be ok," Hyunjin quietly comforted her, a light grip on her hand as he knelt down beside her.
Y/N groaned again from her headache getting worse.
"Where are those medics?" Changbin asked, looking around frustratedly with his hands on his hips, wondering what was taking so long.
"Don't... worry... don't waste... on me..." Y/N could barely get her words out, especially as a wave of nausea overcome her.
"Yah, it's not a waste, you're clearly not well right now Y/N," Han looked sullen, now fanning her face with a piece of paper he had found.
"S-sorry... ugh, feel... sick," she mumbled dizzily, slumped in the chair.
"You feel sick?" Hyunjin worried.
"I'm gonna... ugh," Y/N, with all her willpower, lifted herself out of the chair, yet it wasn't enough to keep her standing as she collapsed to her knees on the ground and threw up whatever was in her system. The boys were unable to catch her and yelled out as she fell.
"Y/N! Shit!" Changbin held her against him.
"Where are the medics?!" Chan yelled angrily, stress consuming him as their maknae was on the ground.
"Ah, ugh, I'm, ah I'm sorry," Y/N whimpered, tears running down her face from her own panic and the feeling of throwing up.
"You don't have to be sorry, it's ok, just take a deep breath," Han held her hair back, looking around at the boys with his eyes shining with his own tears as he feared she wouldn't be ok.
Y/N threw up again, gasping for breath.
"Is that all of it?" Hyunjin whispered from beside them, Y/N tearily nodding as she slumped back in Changbin's arms, feeling dazed.
Lee Know and Jeongin suddenly rushed over with the medics, both of them seeming angry.
"Finally! Where were they?!" Chan asked them, sighing disappointedly.
"Packing up, they were ready to go even though we only just finished performing," Lee Know gritted his teeth as the medics lifted Y/N onto a stretcher and took her through to a medical room, much cooler with air conditioning blasting through the room.
They held a wet cloth against her forehead and against her burns to try and lower her body temperature. The boys couldn't do anything but wait anxiously as they saw their youngest laying down and getting treated.
"Her temperature is dropping, that's a good sign," the medic said out loud to the boys.
Half an hour had passed and Y/N was now more aware of her surroundings, the medics clearing that she could head back to the hotel with the boys, telling them that if her condition worsens again that they need to call an ambulance immediately.
"I'm sorry," Y/N sleepily muttered as they helped her into the company cars.
"Don't apologise, we were more concerned about you," Seungmin informed her, an arm wrapped around her waist as he and Hyunjin guided her into the back of the car.
"That's why I feel bad," Y/N bit her lip.
"It's ok, you can rest now, don't worry about it ok? I know it's easier said than done but we'll make sure you're ok, and we're doing that because we care about you, yeah?" Chan said from the front seat.
"Ok, ok," she yawned, head leaning against Hyunjin's shoulder.
Once they arrived back at the hotel they didn't let her stay in her own room, as she instead was looked after by Lee Know and Jeongin in another, the two of them making sure she was relaxed and not too hot as they kept the air conditioning on. It may have felt a bit cold for them at one point but they didn't mind, they'd do anything for her. All of the boys would.
tagged: @skz-streamer @oo-li
#skz#stray kids#stray kids x reader#skz angst#skz fluff#skz x reader#straykids imagines#skz fic#stray kids fluff#stray kids imagines#skz 9th member#skz ninth imagines#skz ninth#skz ninth member imagines#skz ninth member#stray kids ninth#stray kids ninth member#stray kids 9th member
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Good boy Tobi. Why is he acting this way?
"oh yeah, it was just Zetsu" a-ha, not even close. here I'll talk specifically why Obito resorts to roleplay, and why he is comfortable with the images of Madara and Tobi. (obviously because it's not being himself but let's dig deeper)
contents | responsibility · regrets · a sense of control · conclusions
Vol. 31 CH. 280. Tobi's first appearance.
sure this looks like another defense mechanism that allows Obito to avoid reality, especially when interacting with people. full coverage, imitation of someone else's voice, name change, personality change etc. his clothes literally look like armor, and I'd like to think that hiding and protecting himself "just because it feels right" is exactly the point (no need in armor, he's intangible, so that's a psyche). the very way he completely depersonalizes himself shows that on a subconscious level he is not comfortable being in the conditions he finds himself. this alone may indicate that he is not very happy with his position of a faceless world saviour. and this is his first damn appearance.
Tobi is another manifestation of Obito's escapism, which is the central theme of his story. I have identified three advantages of using Tobi's image for Obito, and all of them will be described below. maybe you'll find some more, feel free to reblog and add your thoughts!
Responsibility
escapism is just stress-relieving. for him, the roleplay was a way to relieve tension from the responsibility that he had imposed on himself. "no one in the whole world can do it except me" must be really exhausting. so what if I just don't be myself for a while? what if I be the one who can make a mistake? it's important to be frivolous and let things go sometimes, otherwise the psyche will be disturbed even more. so, that's the first advantage, that allowed Obito not to go completely crazy.
Regrets
CH. 652
as I said, Obito is not very happy with his position. even though he believes that tsukuyomi plan is correct, this doesn't negate that he is unhappy to fulfill it and suffer the hardships because of it.
during the war, we can see that Obito really regrets that he hadn't live his life the way he could, with his friends and dear ones. he began to ask questions: "could I have a better life?" "who have I become?" "who does my friend see me as?" these feelings burst out only at the culmination, before that they were deeply suppressed, with the help of detachment from reality, which Obito achieved mostly thanks to the image of Tobi. a ridiculous stupid guy who talks nonsense and does not pretend to be any role other than a comic relief. another personality allows Obito to distract himself from the real problems, which he can't reconcile.
CH. 281 idk what an idiot. love him.
in order to avoid all these dangerous thoughts for as long as possible, he came to this escapist behavior. it is not only a convenient tool for manipulation (I'm not really touching on that in this post, though it's important too), but it also distracted him from all his regrets. though, it's funny that he still chose orange and purple colors that probably reminded him of the past.
A Sense of Control
it seems to me that this is the most important reason to pretend to be either an inept, complaisant fool or a legend of the Shinobi world. why these two extremes?
many events in Obito's life showed him that no matter how he acts, he will still be punished, which means he personally has no control over anything. during the exposition, he is late helping the old ladies, but Kakashi condemns him no matter what. during the first turning points, he commits morally correct actions in order to end up first being mutilated and isolated, and then lose the most precious (and only) thing he really had: friendship with Rin and Kakashi. in the end, he does not even have control over his own body until he learns to control the mokuton and gets used to the constantly breaking off or deforming limbs. Madara and Tobi appear as other personalities who are able to achieve control under certain conditions and give Obito the necessary mental stability.
CH. 460
Madara is the epitome of control. the ghost of the Uchiha clan, the fear of which is alive many years after his death. by taking on a character who has more control than Obito did in real life he might feel quite cathartic and empowering, and it offered him a sense of emotional security (the mask helps with it physically, the personality and famous name — mentally).
while Tobi, besides an attempt to make up for lost childhood, is a demonstration of "the lowest standards" so that for once in his life, he did feel that he always met expectations, that more was not required of him. he's incompetent, he messes up, he's irritating, and therefore others don't expect anything else from him. yes, Tobi is judged and punished, but Tobi is not trying to be praised, so his own expectations are not broken.
CH. 359
Madara's personality is convenient because it's dominant, it controls others, inspires them with a certain fear and submission. Tobi's personality is convenient because with its help Obito choose to show fear and submission himself whenever he wants, that is, it does not become an unexpected blow for him. I would add that similar mental mechanisms work in many types of traumatic experience (not talking about his sexual deviations like moderate sadomasochism yet, the man is clearly traumatized).
does it all work? obviously, yes. there's no point in explaining that this whole Madara thing worked perfectly. Tobi, although condemned by Deidara, is at the same time accepted and encouraged by him a bit, simply because it is pointless to expect anything from him. however, this works as long as the fictional personalities do not overlap, as long as others believe in the reality of both.
CH. 396
another interesting topic is that Obito himself began to mix these personalities and demonstrate the falsity of one, which deprived him of the very opportunity to avoid reality (Madara clearly reminds him more of the responsibility on his shoulders than Tobi) and relieve the constantly increasing stress. therefore, starting from the moment when "Madara" shows that "Tobi" was just a cover, Obito loses the advantages of Tobi's image, suppressed regrets gradually surface, stress accumulates, the sense of control disappears for lack of any new personality other than his own (which has problems with control). and all these consequences falls on him during the war.
Conclusions
the reasons for this defense strategy appeared in Obito due to his low self-esteem, which was facilitated by the following. the early death of Obito's parents was most likely at the age when he was too young, and therefore psychologically this loss was fixed as "I was left because something was wrong with me. I can't be loved naturally, I need to deserve it first". because of that there was a constant attempt to be better, to reach the level of a genius opponent, who not only shows with all his appearance that you are not enough, but also constantly pokes you in your own shit like a puppy. and that's not the only situation where you're not that good. there's a lot, actually.
such an environment forms an attitude "to get recognition, I need to try harder than anyone else, because something is wrong with me". subsequently, this attitude is transformed into a new one: "I cannot get recognition in any case, which means I will achieve recognition, respect, attention through pretending and forming other personalities". and that's how Tobi appeared.
I don't even know what to add at the end. it's just great that you can see the depth in Obito, even when he's acting like a moron. here's some admiration for this silly guy
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Read It and Weep- Part 3
Pairing: NFL!Player!Rafe Cameron x Journalist!Reader
Summary: After a game following a win against their rivals, Sports journalist Y/n is resting out in the tunnel, planning an interview when the team exits from the locker room, Rafe immediately spots her and sparks up a conversation that ends with a phone number and something that makes the team go crazy.
Word Count: 1.7k
Warnings: Swearing, sexual tension, slow burn guys, stay focused.
Song: "All American Bitch" by Olivia Rodrigo
A/n: I'm back and it's returned! Please go get caught up on parts 1 and 2 that are in my Rafe masterlist. Now that NFL season is started back up again, I'm so so so interested in writing this again.
It’s almost as if he took as much time away from the game, during the game, as he possibly could. He’d score a touchdown and make his way over to me in the endzone, checking in on me, making sure ‘no other attractive football players took me down since the last time we spoke’, his words, not mine. He’d fling his helmet down and toss me a wink from across the field which caused the other reporters around me to start asking pestering and invasive questions about my possible love life- a love life that didn’t concern them in the slightest yet they acted as if they were entitled to my whole life story just because of my sudden closeness with Rafe.
They won the game, it was a no-brainer from the beginning, with Greg and Rafe working like a well-oiled machine and knocking out touchdown after touchdown while our defense held back the offensive side from the other team. We killed it- they killed it collectively and beat the opposing team 30 to 0 without mercy.
My goal was to interview some of the more quiet members of our team today following their celebration in the locker room, needing their opinions on the game and how they feel about their winning season. I know that it’s not what I’m supposed to do, I’m supposed to be gaining the attention of the two star players, Greg and Rafe, and how they feel but since everyone twists every piece I do on Rafe, it’s nearly impossible for me to write about him and actually be taken seriously.
My eyes linger from my bag and my notes in my lap, catching Rafe and Greg out of the corner of my eyes, along with the rest of the players that spill out of the locker room to my right with a cheer, cigars tipped off their lips as their happy smiles shine. This game was important to them beyond belief, with it being against of NFL rivals of this season, one that we just kept losing to but today was finally a comeback for our underdog team. I imagine that they’ll all go out to the strip clubs tonight and get overly hammered like they usually do.
Except for the men that are married, they go home to their wives and kids.
Hopefully.
Rafe sees me almost immediately as he turns his head and spots me sitting in a pile of my own notes and I watch as his nimble fingers pull the cigar from his smile as smoke billows out from between his lips, his feet carrying him towards me in slow, nervous steps.
I try to act busy, to bury myself in my bag as I shove my equipment back into the mesh but I can’t keep my eyes off of him for long, watching the way the fabric of his t-shirt stretches around his biceps, sweat lining the collar around his neck. He looks so happy, eyes so eager as he finds himself right before me, towering over me with confidence as he reaches out to help me stand up from the ground.
“Hi.” He says sweetly, eyes raking up and down my figure, briefly catching on my bare legs.
“Hi.” I breathe, soothing my hands down my thighs in an attempt to seem put together but with the wind blowing through the tunnel, I nearly blow over but Rafe’s quick to steady me by the waist. “Nice game. How does it feel to be America’s sweetheart?” He grins at my question, eyes flickering away from me and back at the team momentarily to catch them ogling us with bright smiles and the attention makes my cheeks warm.
“Pretty damn good.” He sucks in a breath, eyes flickering towards the end of the tunnel at the reporters lined up like wild animals, calling out his name in a desperate attempt to get his attention. If I listen hard enough, I hear my name too after his own and it makes my heart stop.
“Are you going out to celebrate?” I ask, blue eyes beaming down at me as he gives me a simple shrug and a nod, chuckling at the whooping behind him from the boys calling his name, urging him to hurry up but his eyes are on me.
“Yeah. Wanna join?” He asks with a hopeful look but my shoulders fall, the stinging in my temples reminding me that I have much-needed duties to attend to in the form of self-care and maybe a bottle of Pedialyte.
“I’m really excited just to go home and rest, honestly. I’ve got a pounding headache.” I frown, tapping a finger against my forehead as another zap of pain shoots up the back of my head, pulling a worried look from the wide receiver in front of me, his brows furrowing and lips fanning out into a thin line as I pout.
“Are you okay?” He asks, eyes flickering back and forth between mine and I give him a half-assed nod, trying to convince him well enough to leave it alone. “You sure?” He sounds so soft and so concerned at the tone of his voice makes me fold, my hand reaching out to rest on his bicep, giving it a gentle squeeze and pulling his concerned eyes away from my face, to my small hand that rests on his skin.
“Promise, Rafe.”
“Well, look who is it-” An annoying voice from behind Rafe has me pulling my hand away from him and Rafe lets out a dramatic groan, reaching behind him and grabbing Greg by the shoulders, pushing him away with a decent amount of force, enough force to have Greg stumbling backward.
“Bye, Greg!” Rafe calls out with an eye-roll and turns back to me with a frown, muttering a small ‘sorry’ under his breath and I just shrug, knowing that Greg’s main goal is to annoy the living shit out of his best friend.
“Ouch,” Greg mutters and rubs his shoulder with a huff. “Don’t injure my throwing arm.” He holds his arms up in surrender and backs away from us with a pout and I bite back a much-needed giggle, almost relieved that he went away and left the two of us alone.
“You’re getting good at that.” I chuckle and he nods with tired eyes.
“Yeah, I’m busy- he should know that by now.” He says, his voice dripping with something more meaningful and I feel my stomach flip, my eyes widening briefly before I remind myself to be cool and to not completely fawn over every attractive word that escapes his plump lips.
“Fans are starting to claim the only reason you’re coming to the endzone is to see me.” I flirt with a devilish smirk, fighting the urge to reach up and start twirling my hair because that would make me look like every other bimbo who throws themselves at him. But what can I say, I’m not that much different at this point.
“May or may not be one of the driving factors.” He shrugs sheepishly and I feel my cheeks warm.
“Yeah?” I pause, biting at my lip as his blue-green eyes stare down at me, a heavy, heated pause between us, one that makes my toes curl and head spin as we stare at each other. “It was nice to see you so often. Four whole touchdowns in one game?”
“What can I say, my motives are motivating.” He reaches out, brushing his hand against mine before locking his pinky with my own and I laugh breathlessly, now definitely making a fool out of myself with how heavy I’m breathing.
“You’re sweet.” I’m flushing I’m sure, I can feel it, the heat crawling up the back of my neck as I slip my hand out of his and check the time on my wrist, not wanting to leave but knowing that it’s time to go and with how the boys are yelling at him to come on, he has to go too. “I have to go but I’ll catch you later?” I smile, going to walk away from him but he reaches out to grab my upper arm.
“Hey wait.” He fishes for something in his pocket and pulls out a small piece of paper, slipping it into my hands without warning before pressing a simple and surprising kiss to my cheek. “It was nice seeing you again, Y/n.” The boys are screaming down the tunnel from us and he laughs coyly, backing up slowly and leaving me in a puddle. “Text me.”
-
Tucking myself into bed, I stare at my phone that sits on the nightstand beside me with my lip between my teeth, thinking about texting him and the consequences that could come from bridging that gap. I could just go to sleep, ignore the pounding in my skull and the nausea sitting at the back of my throat, but instead, all my brain wants me to do is pick up my phone and ask Rafe how his celebration went.
I could text him just a simple hi, turn my phone off, go to bed, and hopefully wake up to a message from him. Or I could text him and get a ‘who’s this’ response and cry myself to sleep out of pure embarrassment. Who’s to say that he doesn’t do this often? Maybe he just wants to get in my pants so desperately that he would flirt with me and make a huge spectacle over it just to gain media attention and publicity. Maybe all I am to him is attention.
Saying fuck it, I grab my phone, log in and find Rafe’s contact without hesitation, pressing the new message button with butterflies in my stomach. My fingers are shaking as I type something out, hesitating before pressing send with an excited squeal. Me: Having fun and getting into trouble without me?
#rafe#rafe x reader#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x reader#outerbanks#outerbanks fic#rafe cameron smut#rafe smut#rafe fic#rafe cameron fic#outerbanks series
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take it off
Harry Styles x reader (SOH)
Summary: Right before sex, Harry sees something on Y/n that he's never seen before. masterlist
warnings: light smut, boobs<3, mentions of stick and pokes
w/c: 0.9k
a/n: little blurb since i haven't posted in forever! but i promise i'm writing im just crazy stressed <3 also i am in love with tattoos so much and this is just an indulgent on that lol
"Fuck-"
"Don't you dare stop."
"Wasn't planning on it." Harry moaned, his hand slowly feeling up and down Y/n's body. His lips reattached to hers. "You taste so good."
A steamy night that consisted of teasing hands under the table and kisses when no one was looking. It was a blur to get out of the London club, Harry just remembers Y/n's hand squeezing his ass. They had luckily ran away from the paparazzi that was just arriving to the club before they could get any compromising photos.
But now, in the comfort of Harry's flat, they could be as messy and in love as they want.
"Take off your shirt H." She mumbled, Y/n's mouth trailing down his jaw line.
"Only if you take off yours." Harry could feel Y/n smile against his cheek, leaving one last kiss there before breaking away.
"You're lucky you're so cute." When Y/n grabbed the hemming of her shirt, Harry tore off his, too impatient to wait any longer. Harry ended up helping Y/n take the shirt off; he hasn't quite realized that Y/n always takes longer to take off her shirt just to see Harry get all squeamish.
When Y/n's shirt is removed, she's left in a lace bra that Harry absolutely drools over. He goes headfirst into her neck, kissing slowly and sensually. His hand feeling her left breast while Y/n's hand find Harry's hair and pulls slightly.
"Can I take off your bra." He whispers, figures trailing over the straps. "Please."
She mumbled a faint yes under her breath and Harry is quick to react. Harry climbs more on top of her right after he bra comes off; Harry's mouth goes right on her skin, starting on her perfect jaw line and going lower onto her neck then onto her breast.
Harry was going to continue on but he saw some mark near his hand. He lifts his head to take a second glance and moves his hand from the side of her boob to her lower waist. He saw some black ink, and he knew it wasn't from his hand.
"What's wrong?" Y/n leaned up on her elbows to get a look at what happened and why Harry's mouth isn't on her. The only touch she was getting--other then Harry resting on her --was from Harry's finger on the side of her body. "Why are you poking me?"
"You have a tattoo?"
"Uhm, yeah?" She stated it like a question, but was curious to know the problem. "Why are you acting like this? It's just a crescent tattoo."
"I just didn't realize you had one" He admitted. "Does that make me a bad boyfriend?"
"You never noticed the tattoo on my boobs?" She gasped, shocked smile on her face. "But your obsessed with them how have you not noticed it?"
"In my defense the tattoo is on the side of your boobs." Harry unconsciously held her other breast, it made her giggle a bit, just out of pure ridiculous. "You know I like to see them straight on."
"Do you like it?"
"Your boobs? Of course!" Harry quickly said, kissing her nipples quickly then gently then kissed her face.
"The tattoo, love."
"Well, I love it too!" Harry quickly said. "I just felt bad that I haven't realized until now."
"Good because I have an appointment to next week for another." She kissed the side of his cheek, sitting up to do so.
"Ohh, what'cha planning on?"
"I want to get it on my thigh but I'm not sure if I want to replace the stick and poke I did in school or not." She shrugged, her finger trailing over the tattoo collection on his chest. She didn't want to admit it out loud, but tattoo's were always such a turn on for her. Little intricate designs all over Harry, they just looked amazing.
"Stick and poke in school? What crowd were you hanging out with?" Harry laughed.
"I did it myself actually." Her hand ghosting over her thigh. "Not very well obviously. But the tattoos I did on others were pretty good, should still be on them."
"You gave out tattoo's? How old were you?"
"Dunno, maybe sixteen?"
"Sixteen?" Harry's mouth was wide open, smiling a little, but mainly in shock. "And you were already a tattoo artist?"
"I was a girl with ink and a clean needle." Y/n shrugged. "They offered like fifty quid per tattoo too, and I really wanted more clothes ." She laughed, looking back up towards Harry.
Y/n's hand trailed lower to Harry's groin, he moaned which caused Harry to loose all focus of tattoos and lean in to kiss her. It got heated quickly but it was no surprise since they were about to have sex a couple minutes before. Harry's hand rested on her tattoo and side boob, his finger started tracing the tattoo too, starting to slowly memorize it just like Y/n has done with all of his tattoos.
"Can you do one for me?" Harry asked. "I want one thats in an area close to my dick and I don't really want a tattoo artist to see that." They both laughed, Y/n starting to give a hickey on the side of Harry's neck.
"I didn't hear an answer." Harry complained then gasped when the Y/n lightly bit down.
"I'll give you a tattoo." She decided. "But I don't take normal payment methods."
Harry chuckled, giving her a kiss. "I think I can give you something else."
Tag list
@uhuhuh @sucker4angstt @b-reads-things @augustfaultline @bxtchboy69 @japanchrry @lilbredsticc @daydreamingofmatilda @springholland @cacapeepee @yourgoldengirls @tenaciousperfectionunknown @timmyslover @mxltifxnd0m @lukewearingbeanies @haarrrys
#harry styles x reader#harry styles smut#harry styles fluff#harry styles#harry styles x y/n#harry styles x you#harry styles fanfiction#harry styles fic#harry styles imagine#harry styles series#harry styles x actress!reader#harry styles x fem!reader#harry styles one shot#harry styles angst#harry styles and y/n#harry styles blurb
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The crying is relentless. All morning and well into the afternoon. It's not constant, but it is consistent, a cycle of heavy, self pitying sobs followed by these silences where I imagine she forgets what she's so sad about, or curses Evan out instead, which, if it were me, is what I would be doing. I can't understand why any person is really worth this much anguish, especially ones that don't wash their hair.
“Ah, Shell,” Jen mutters under her breath, “he’s just a stupid fucking boy, enough already.”
The brilliant sunlight of early May streaks through the windows and over the pages of our textbooks and notebooks strewn all over the carpet. With the summer exams approaching I have accepted that it’s going to be like this all month, study, revising, shovelling snacks into our mouths and then studying some more until our eyes feel like shrivelled little raisins in their sockets. But I have nowhere else to be these days, so I am happy to spend them on my stomach in the sun with Jen, writing flashcards and highlighting entire pages about chemical erosion and igneous rock.
“Did you see him at school this week?” I ask around the pen jammed between my teeth.
“Who? Evan?”
“Yep.”
“Unfortunately. With Carlie.”
“Oh, crazy. He moved on quickly.”
She tuts and shakes her head in disgust, “He’s horrible. He has no shame, full on knowing that Michelle can see him shoving his foul slug tongue into Carlie’s mouth, in broad daylight.”
“Mm, nothing good ever happens in broad daylight, does it?”
There is a bang, crash and wallop as Michelle comes down the stairs and straight into the room. I steel myself defensively, waiting for, I don't know what, maybe for her to start giving out to me or screaming that I need to get the hell out, not that she’s done that yet, but there’s always a chance. I bet she would if she was feeling crazy enough.
But maybe we've caught her at a good time, because instead she looks startled to see me, while also appearing different, more vulnerable than I'm used to seeing her now that the makeup she usually rings her eyes with is absent for the first time since she was about fourteen. It feels risky to look directly in her eyes, but I can't really help myself. It's like some layer has been peeled away, and she's the girl who used to be my friend.
“Um,” she utters, voice cracked and hoarse from crying, and drags the heel of her hand beneath her still dripping nose, “I didn’t know you were here.”
“I can go.”
She hesitates.
“Let him stay,” Jen grumbles, “He’s just studying, he’s not going to bite you, is he?”
“Okay,” Michelle says in a voice just above a whisper, and hovers there for another few moments as Jen goes back to flipping through her geography book, no doubt taking nothing in.
“Did you need something?”
“Not really.”
“Alright.”
Flip.
Flip.
Michelle gently clears her throat, “Is it… is it for the summer exams? All the study, like.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll probably fail mine,” a feeble laugh, “and dad will be thrilled with me.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand, given the circumstances.”
“I don’t think so,” she comes a bit closer, her stockinged feet padding over the carpet, and I don’t move a muscle as she approaches us, afraid to make a nuisance of myself. She perches on the edge of the sofa and folds her hands in her lap. “I think I should probably study,” she comments absently.
“If you want to,” Jen says.
“I have so much work to catch up on…”
“Well,” Jen spreads out her fingers and gestures to the mess of paper and books on the floor like she’s presenting a gourmet meal, “you’re welcome to join us any time, babe.”
I sense Michelle’s eyes on me but I deliberately keep mine fixed on my book. The last thing I want to do is put her off the idea and then, God knows, get blamed for any and all fail grades she ends up getting.
“Hm, maybe,” she says, and leans to pluck at the corner of one of the English book covers, “I honestly know nothing, I can’t remember any of King Lear, never mind the poetry…”
“All that Shakespeare stuff is Jude’s domain, actually all of it is his, I'm clearly the idiot in the room…”
I pipe up sheepishly, “If you need help going through stuff, you know, I can, but if not it’s obviously fine too.”
“Hm,” she says, and slides to the floor with us, “Maybe. I’ll see.”
Jen gives me a secret smirk. “She'll see,” she mouths, and just like the sneaky wink she follows it with, I have absolutely no idea what she means.
Beginning // Prev // Next
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Can there be more ayayui? I've only seen one of the fics that u wrote with ayayui and I would like to see more please and thank you :)
(Inspired by a scene in HDB)
Ayato's POV:
She's been avoiding me. I tried snatching her up earlier and she found a way out of that. I don't know what's gotten into her but there's no way in hell she gets to avoid me. I'll make her regret that. I wait for her after one of her stupid classes, I technically should be in that class too but what good will it be for me to learn human literature? Anyway, the students start exiting the classroom, I notice her titless self coming out, she always has this ditzy look on her face, it's hilarious. I quietly stalk behind her, making sure she doesn't even notice my shadow, which wasn't difficult at all. She's an airhead half the time. I cornered her at the staircase and revealed myself. I could see the sheer panic written all over her face. I welcomed that look, it definitely does it for me.
"Ayato...!!" She yells out, I couldn't help but chuckle. "Yes, it's the great Ayato, who you have been avoiding, why?" I questioned her, she wasn't looking me in the eye so I took my hand to grab her chin but she managed to escape, she really is an idiot, I can smell her 5 miles away. She ended up running into a storage room, I teleported in and made sure to lock and block the door. She's not going anywhere.
I push her up against the wall, taking her chin to look directly at me. Yet she still averts her gaze. "What's going on with you??" I asked her, I was seriously confused, she never acts like this. "Ayato..you really don't understand emotions at all.." she replies back, what does she mean by that? I gave her a confused expression and asked her what she was going on about, but then it dawned upon me. Ha! this cheeky virgin. "You're acting this way over a kiss? haha you're hilarious." I tell her, and she gets all defensive. "Well it wasn't really a kiss though! You were just drinking my blood from my lip..there's no way that would count as a kiss.." she says then looks down, I couldn't help but laugh a little at her, this was too cute. She's such an intriguing girl her reactions kinda turn me out. "You're right, I think I can give you some better kisses." I say and catch her off guard, I press my lips to hers and give her a nice lovers kiss. My tongue slips in and I can feel her melting, she's never been kissed like this, she's never been kissed in general, I'll be her first everything, I'll teach her body, mind and soul to obey me. I snake my hands to her butt, and I grip it tightly, she's got a pretty nice ass to make up for the lack of breasts. I smack it, and this catches her by surprise. She pulls away but I bring her back into the kiss, I'm not even close to done. But she pulls away again, she's panting like crazy, of course. Honestly she looked so enticing I couldn't help but kneel down, I told her to take off her panties, she refused. Of course she would refuse she's a lil virgin, not for long. I'm about to take her. I drip her legs and then take off her underwear, she tried crossing her legs, that won't stop me. Her attempts did fill me up with joy though, I liked seeing her fiery spirit, humans can be so lame sometimes. I pry open her legs and then place light kisses up her thigh, licking and sucking her inner thigh leaving my marks all over them, she was lightly moaning at this, but still telling me to stop, that's fine the more she hates it the more I will do it. I take a bite out of her thigh then take my finger, lapping some of her blood, I pop my fingers into my mouth to lick off the blood, I make sure I give her eye contact because then I place my fingers into her soaked sweet part. "A..Ayato why..?" She stuttered out, I smirked at her, and stuck my entire tongue in there, I licked it from bottom to top, but before I could go crazy on her, a 4 eyes clean freak opened the door and disrupted us.Oh man, here comes a lecture. "Ayato, I never imagined you would do such a vile thing at school, see to it that you both clean yourselves up and take these activities elsewhere." Looks like she's saved for now, I won't let her get away next time!
#diabolik lovers#diabolik boys#dialovers#yui komori#diabolik brothers#diahell#smut#ayato sakamaki#ayato x yui#yui x ayato#light smut#smut fiction#haunted dark bridal
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So now I'm gonna move on and actually describe an experience I have had as a trans man who is currently detransitioned due to financial status. This experience involves both misogyny and transphobia, and I'm not really here to debate weather or not I Can experience these things, instead I'm just going to share it.
So I guess somewhat important context to this is that I am rather feminine by appearence. If you encountered me in the wild you'd think I was the hoodie and cookie monster pajama girl from high school. My partner, also not currently receiving gender affirming care passes a bit better than me. He at the very least gives people pause or incites confusion. Usually, though, people just assume he's a young man.
I was going to get a state ID because I had moved recently to another state. My ID from my previous state had my gender marked as M because I went through the due process to get that done. New home state has a policy that if youre from out of state you have to get your ID processed at the police station. My partner is also trans and had gone a week prior to get his done, and they had respected his ID's gender marker, moving all of his information from the out of state record.
I go in and of course I am marked F, so upon reviewing it I said thats incorrect, because my ID says M. We go back and forth and I eventually produce my partner's ID and say "you did it for him just last week". Big mistake on my part because I'm honestly still learning how not to give people like this the benefit of the doubt. Regardless, they go to their manager to figure out what to do.
A few minutes later I am called alone into the managers office. Here's a shortlist of this meeting;
-Thet confiscated my partners ID without him present
-Told me my due process didn't matter, that I can only change it if I had a letter saying I had already had SRS.
-Took my previous ID and voided it so I couldn't change my birth certificate
-Made me submit my ID as F
-Tell me my partner has to come in to correct his to F as well
This all happens very quickly, and I try to advocate for myself and lose. By the end of it, I am crying a bit and I mutter to myself "This is fucking insane".
This is the part that really fucked me up.
The manager stepped forward toward me, holding her hands in that defensive position, the one cops to do say 'I'm calm but prepared to use force', you know where they tilt their hips forward and rest their hands on the front of their belt. She tells me "I understand you're upset, but there is no swearing in here."
I am a nearly 30 year old MAN. And she is trying to tell me not to swear like I'm some teenager giving her lip.
"I'm not from here, this is just how I talk" I say, not yet realizing that she is trying to instigate. She prods this issue again, trying to detract me, trying to get me to cuss more. Trying to rile me up. I become quiet and still, thank them for their time and leave. She called me Sweetheart as I left.
And there is nothing I can do in this situation. Im dealing with cops in a red state. There's nothing I can do but cave to the authority because my plans are bigger than this. Because to further advocate is to put myself in danger and she made that very clear by drawing a line at me swearing. So I submit.
Submitting in a situation like this feels like your power is being taken from you. Like they are physically removing something from your arms and trying to get it back would be a major risk. It's not just that someone is stepping on me, it's that theyre telling me politely to get on the ground so I can be stepped on. It felt especially oppressive in this scenario, but it always feels like this. In the workplace, in social group, in family, a trans man is the least respectable thing you can be because not only are you a woman, but you're a crazy, damaged woman and if you're me you get ire for being a waste of a pretty face.
There's always a timeline too, it can be long or short but it always goes like this; People receive me initially with feigned tolerance and some mild comparisons to my partner's masculinity. Then they start poking and pushing and trying to see if I'm really a trans man in ways they think is subtle but to me is very unsubtle. Eventually, when they've disrespected me to the point of reacting emotionally, they act like they've gotten their gotcha moment because I've displayed the Ultimate Thing that makes you Not A Man: Tears. Most of them don't even need to get to there to conclude I'm a trender because well if I'm already almost 30 and haven't transitioned, I must not want it bad enough.
I'm sharing this story not just because it displays the intersections of being a trans man, how hard it is to obtain respect and how fragile that respect is, but also because I know there are guys out there who are like me. I see you, you with the puffy lips and round hips, you who can't transition right now, you who feels like he's waiting for a some day, for a time when it's just okay to exist out there and be treated with the basic fucking dignity of telling someone "Hi, I'm Dave" and having them reply without looking at your tits first. Who has beat himself up in the quiet hours for years for being too emotional, too feminine, feeling assaulted by the way the world wants to commodify your body and demonize your mind. You deserve to be seen and respected.
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HEY HEY HEY TOP 5 NBR HCS NEOW 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 (politely and whenever you wish to answer the ask)
I'm doing this based on all three of them living after the end of bitb because as much as I love high school shenanigans I wanna talk about ppl in their early thirties some <3
(also these turned from headcanons to fic ideas WHOOPS SORRY) (you probably don't mind <3)
Rand loves small acts of physical affection. Holding hands and hugs goodbye make her feel like she's remembered. Like love is something that isn't reserved for dire circumstances. it's not that cuddling or kissing isn't good, he enjoys those a lot too. but those smaller things are like, people going out of their way to give affection when it's not "required".
Kian takes a LOOOOOONG time to stop constantly lying about how he feels and be somewhat vulnerable with others. They move in together post-bug and Kian would try his absolute hardest to put up an act. but they can see through it because who the hell is okay after that. and when they try to talk about it with him, he deflects like crazy. saying they all should start going to therapy and talking things out with a professional because they will be able to help. and Rolan is like "WE ARE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW, KIAN!" yeah...
speaking of Kian, Rolan asks about his work as a stockbroker and Kian immediately goes on the defensive. he thinks he's gonna make fun of him, tease him, that sort of stuff. and Rolan grabs his hand and says that he just wants to know more about it, since he obviously was good at it, based on how much money he has. and Kian let's himself say something pretty small, like a very basic overview of his work. and when Rolan asks a follow up question and Kian doesn't stop talking for 20 minutes
I can't stop myself from teenage nbr hfkehfkehfkehf. so rand makes a bunch of romanceable npcs in his campaign. rand makes all of those npcs women and maybe enjoys playing them a bit toooo much. (he doesn't quite get that gay people exist and that it's okay) (ok rand, find out in 10 years that ur not fully a man and also queer) (you can see an egg emoji in ur HUD every time she plays them /j)
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hot take: the kind of partner satoru needs
so i kind of wrote my opinion on the kind of partner gojo satoru needs and for some reason everyone really seemed to like it (even though i was literally just ranting. i love you all so much.) but now i'm here to elaborate because i feel like some things weren't specific enough. (i'll leave the actual post linked above!)
when i say he needs someone soft, i absolutely do not mean someone who is a pushover or is super insecure with themselves. if you can't be confident in yourself, you won't be able to help anyone else do the same, right?
i mean soft in personality, yes, but they also have to be firm to a certain extent. otherwise satoru's pushing them back and forth, this way and that, and there's no actual development on his part or in the relationship?
the point is that he's unwilling to change, really. so if someone drops in his life and asks him to change with a pretty please thrown in, you can bet that it doesn't mean anything to him.
he needs someone who knows when to push and when to back off. and then when to kinda nudge him again. it's not a "i'll lay myself completely bare so you can observe and never do the same."
it should be more like a one by one thing. i tell you this about myself so now you trust me enough to tell me one thing about you. and the cycle continues until they're at a point where he can fully trust them and be willing to open up to them.
opening up to someone, especially when you have trauma (which satoru does) is not easy. like not easy at all. there's guilt and shame for opening up, and overthinking and why did i do that. what if they tell someone. they're just gonna leave again. what's the point. and that's just barely scratching the surface. he's already lost his best friend, so you can bet that it would be super difficult for him to reach even that level of trust with someone again. i wouldn't blame him if he started shutting people out or kept people at arm's length because that's just his defense system speaking.
I can say this from experience. when someone who you consider to be your best friend leaves, you are going to feel betrayed and you are going to feel hurt. all things considered, he handled their "break-up" pretty well. especially when you see that he still considers suguru to be his best friend. that's a very forgiving thing of satoru to do. and i haven't finished reading the manga yet, but as far as i know, we don't really get a glimpse into satoru's head of why he chose to do that or if it took him time to heal from that or anything. he and suguru went to school together. they grew up together. it wasn't just a few months thing. it was multiple years. so it was bound to hurt ten times more when he left, but satoru didn't seem to hold a grudge much. (except for the whole killing thing, but like... it's whatever. oh, and the impersonation of suguru when he was yelling about feeling stuff in his soul. good times.)
anyway, aside from that, to accept that suguru's gone, to know that yourself, to forgive yourself for "not being enough" and whatever else gets in your head during times like that, and to forgive the person who left is not a small feat. that's like years of healing. (it took me almost two years to forgive my closest ex-friend who was there for less than six months and ended up leaving. so to imagine being in satoru's position is crazy. but time really does heal everything.)
i need you all to understand this.
he. has. trauma.
and that's why so many people have the urge to "fix" him. he's one of those emotionally unavailable men and for some reason we all go crazy when we see someone like that. we all want to be the one to be able to fix him, but you know what, investing all your energy into fixing someone can leave you broken. that's not what you want.
it's so important for satoru to be with someone who they themself are mentally healthy or else this is just a cycle of who can screw each other over the most/fastest. you need to overcome your own demons to help someone else face theirs. you can't become his therapist because that builds unhealthy patterns in relationships where you constantly feel like nothing more than a brick wall. stand there. listen. give advice. repeat. reader is going to feel less like a partner and more like a medical professional.
so again give him someone to come home to, someone who cares, someone who will not betray or leave him. someone he can have to fool around with. someone who he can say it's us against the world to. someone who listens when he does need to vent and vice versa. give him a partner, not a therapist. (send him to therapy first though. then the partner comes in.)
again give him someone soft but someone who will not take any excuses from him when it comes to his healing. give him someone who cares so much that he has to put himself back together to be with them. give him someone who motivates him to be a better person because he doesn't want to lose anyone else and if they leave then that means that he's lost (but it doesn't mean that he's lost everything. because life has to mean more than one person. he has to be worth more than just one person. and honestly all he needs is a little shove in the right direction to understand it.)
so maybe their relationship isn't entirely romantic. or maybe the romance comes years later, after he's healed. maybe this is not a story of romance and love at all. maybe this a story of light and healing. let him find his way home but let him stand on his own two feet and do it himself.
#jjk#jjk headcanons#jjk gojo#jujutsu gojo#jujutsu kaisen#gojo satoru#satoru gojo#jujutsu kaisen satoru#gojo satoru x reader#procrastinated on this for like a week#but i finally feel like i've said what i need to say#yeah tumblr is telling me that i've been working on this for a whole week#꒰ i forgot that you existed. ꒱
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GG wrapped 12
Song 12: Best by Gracie Abrams
(another different format than I usually do)
Dear Josh,
Hi. Hey. Hi Josh. Hi.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. And I can't talk to anyone about it. Or maybe I don't want to.
I think the only person I could talk to about you... is you. And I can't do that for obvious reasons. Well, obvious to me. It can't be obvious to you because you forgot, which is the obvious thing, and now we're in this whole kind of spiral thing where it just goes around and around like a... spiral.
I did some crazy things. Crazier than getting a bottle out of a trash can or going through your trash or everything that happened the night we broke up.
I realize you might not have known about the trash thing, but I'm just gonna move past that.
You might be wondering why, in the aftermath of all of the things that have happened since the night we broke up, why am I thinking about you. Maybe it's because I miss when things were much easier and, whether you believe it or not, that was a much easier time.
Or maybe it has more to do with the fact that I lost my memories recently. Of the whole summer. I realize I actually don't know how much you forgot and I never will. I know the night we broke up is mostly a blur and I know you remember that we dated and that I lied.
Since coming back I've been almost bored out of my mind. I've lost so much weight, but also my whole appetite? I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like everyone keeps thinking they're presenting me with opportunities to 'come back' and I keep missing or not taking them. And somehow, through all this weirdness, the weirdest thing is that I've felt you here the whole time. Everything seems to come back to the semester we met. And it's my own fault, it's the things I did that made it this way, but it makes me think of you and it's like you're here.
I guess that's why I can't talk to Zach about this. If Zach was talking to me that is. Anyway, I realized I don't really have much to say about you, rather, things I want to say to you. Um, so, I guess, that's what this is.
I must have lied straight to your face twenty times a day. And like how can you lie that much to someone while still thinking you love them? While wanting them to believe that you love them? I get so mad at Zach for withholding things from me and lying to me. And he's doing that for things far more serious than I was. He'll do it if he thinks it'll keep me safe; even if it makes me hate him a little bit. The stakes are high. What was I lying to you for? Fun? Like scratching an itch. Like you were my little strange addiction.
And you still tried to stay after you found out I lied. Sure, you wanted me to explain and I lied some more, but then you followed me anyway. On a forklift. Against what you thought were kidnappers. I guess highly trained operatives are actually worse than run of the mill kidnappers. Although the kidnappers being run of the mill is really an assumption and what would it even mean to be a run of the mill kidnapper? It's not like that's a serious profession. Unless it is
I don't know, Josh. I've always done the on my own thing. My instinct is to isolate myself. It's why I'm called the chameleon, not that you knew that about me. And there you were, showing me, at the end but also throughout our relationship, that you would have stood by me and I just- couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to not hide from you, too. In my defense, clearly I wouldn't have been able to tell you much since you did end up having your memory wiped. But we never really had a chance. And that's kind of on me.
I'm sorry. I'm sure it feels like I played with your feelings. And maybe I did. I wish you knew that was never my intention.
We were too different if you look at the larger picture. But if you looked at just Josh and Cammie, I don't think we were half bad. I wish we'd had a chance. A real chance. I'm glad that you and I happened and I wish you knew I do regret how I handled it. I'd hope you could forgive me, if you ever got to know all this. Because I bet you resent me. I would. It wasn't really your style, but no one is perfect. I'd resent me, resent all of it, so it's not like I could blame you. But maybe someday we could look back on what happened and agree maybe we weren't terrible. Maybe we were just fifteen.
I'm not saying any of this as an excuse. I promise I haven't forgotten my fault in all of this. And I mean look at me now. I'm alone, sitting here, in what is supposed to be my home with my best friends and my boyfriend and I'm writing a letter to my ex boyfriend that no one is ever gonna see but me. And I don't blame them either, not really. Since you I've messed up with a lot of people in my life. All of my self-control kind of got difficult I guess.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I know and I'm sorry. Josh, you're the worst of my crimes. They all started with you and you were completely innocent. You fell hard for a girl you thought you knew and I wasn't even her. And then you saw me with Zach and I'm sure it felt so weird. Like a punch to the gut in the form of me just waving a new guy around like 'good riddance!'.
I never was the best to you. I'm sorry.
I never was. And I'm sorry. But I'm trying to be better. I just wanted to tell somebody that I'm trying. Someone who won't tell me that I'm not or that it's not enough.
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If you’re still doing therapy asks…Mr. Daddy Issues, Barty Crouch Jr. (Any age!)
When I clicked on the inbox, it only showed me the first part of this ask, and so I misread it as if you were addressing *me* as Mr. Daddy, and I felt such a need to clarify that I am in no way a Mr. Daddy. I am a very subby femme lesbian. Definitely not a daddy. (Open to butch daddies. But not myself a daddy.) That oversharing aside, let’s go to Barty!
From canon we know Barty is super smart, got a crazy amount of NEWTs, had an abusive (or at least very harsh and cruel) dad, and joined the Death Eaters young.
I kind of think this kid would be a nightmare in therapy and would be extremely opposed to participating. I imagine he only ends up in therapy because Dumbledore makes him or something. (And sixteen year old Barty is like “Dumbledore is the one who needs therapy,” and he is not wrong. And maybe the therapist agreeing with him would be the first step to building a rapport.)
If we can manage to get some sort of rapport going, I think the main themes of therapy would be agency and self-determination and power and control. He is raised in a rigidly controlling house, then he uses academic achievements to gain his own sense of control and stability.
I imagine he’s a very rigid and black-and-white thinker. His father is either all good or all bad – and he spends childhood idolizing his father and then rapidly switches up once he gains a bit of distance and is able to individuate or after there is a final straw. He is either all good or all bad. Some of the work would just be about getting a smidge of cognitive flexibility and ability to hold shades of gray.
I also imagine him as a teenager as someone who flips from extremes – either he is studying for a month straight and barely sleeping or he is getting black out drunk and trying whatever illicit potion is available. He does not do moderation. He compartmentalizes intensely.
At first in therapy, he is super defensive about his father and cannot stand any hint that he may be imperfect from the therapist, and he gets angry at the therapist for insulting his father by implying that anything he did might have had a negative impact on Barty. Then, pretty suddenly, he is wildly opposed to his dad and everything he is and everything he stands for. This of course comes with interest in joining the Death Eaters where he starts putting that idolization on Voldemort instead.
He would be a difficult client. I think the main place where therapy could be helpful would be intervening before he makes that switch against his father and towards Voldemort – if he can more gently recognize the negative impacts of his father’s behavior and allow himself to feel that hurt from not having the father he deserves. And maybe even talking to his mother about his feelings, if she is a safe person to do so with. If we could get him to just feel a tiny bit of his own vulnerability - not covered up and soothed by academic achievement - then maybe we could help him.
After he takes steps to join the Death Eaters, I think it would be like trying to get a young person out of a cult, and I'm pretty pessimistic about how therapy would go at that point.
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I’m honestly trying to find someone to give me some insight / confirmation the whole jjk fandom isn’t like this because I’m genuinely so disheartened.
So I have a friend who lives in Japan I met online who goes to lots of conventions. She told me that gojo has been confirmed straight by the creator Gege in multiple magazines and interviews in Japan. After I was told that I did toms of research and saw proof that was true.
I’m someone who likes to follow canon simply because I like facts and like to be respectful to the authors creation. Obviously he people want to headcanon that’s fine! I just like following canon.
Earlier today I made a theory post about something which I briefly brought up gojo being confirmed straight and sited my sources (it wasn’t even the MAIN point of the theory. It was a part of it but not the main focus)
IMMEDIATELY after , like 10 minutes my inbox was SWARMED. I had people calling me homophobic (when I’m in the community) a piece of shit, I disappointment. I got told to off myself. My favorite fanfiction blog with a BIG following dmed me to delete my account and to shut up.
All because I said Gege confirmed Gojo to be straight in canon with sourced proof.
I really really don’t feel well after this? For one my favorite blog dming me that was upsetting, people telling me to kill myself also upsetting.
I don’t even understand why though?
Like the proof of Gojo being confirmed straight is on Twitter with magazine translation from Japan where Gege said it. It’s been said in more than one interview with Gege.
So why are people so mad about it if it’s canon?
As I said head canons are fine feel free to make them.. but sending death threats to people like me who follow canon is just crazy?
Now I feel like leaving the fandom and tumblr. Like this is crazy.
As someone who follows canon I follow Gojo being a straight man as that is what Gege has confirmed in multiple interviews.
Gojo is straight in canon that’s what Gege confirmed that’s what I follow.
But why am I getting death threats for that? What’s wrong with canon?
I just don’t get it and honestly it’s really just made me not like this fandom and I wish someone would explain what I did wrong by following canon and linking sources to prove it- I’m just confused
for starters, i am so sorry for the hate that you received. it is never ok to send someone death threats/tell them to kys. it's ok to have differing opinions, it's ok to debate and argue (granted ofc you're allowed to delete/ignore messages if you want, you're not obligated to explain yourself to anyone), but if you can't do that respectfully then you must be too young to be on this app. period.
i'm sorry you had that experience. everyone's allowed their own opinions. whether it involves headcanoning or following canon, everyone's entitled to feel the way they want. at the end of the day, they're fictional characters. personally i love satosugu. i think their story is so angsty and complicated and fascinating. do i care if someone has a differing ship? no. ofc i don't. it's a fictional character. i go about my day like an adult.
obviously i'm getting one half of the situation here so i won't speak to why people were calling you homophobic, if you were just providing sources i don't see the big deal. but (i am also a member of the alphabet soup) i know how it feels to be questioned and prodded at for my (a real life person!) sexuality, and my instinct is to get defensive to protect myself and my peace. i might be making leaps there... i'm just trying to relate that in real life, it's easy for people to spread homophobic rhetoric without realizing that's what they're doing.. you know? (ie: i'm bi and my partner and i are het presenting. i get an earful from toxic family all the time. 'are you sure?' 'if you marry him, aren't you straight now?' etc etc. i'm sure you get the gist)
i'm not trying to say that's what you were doing. again, i've only got half of the picture here.
and again, you should not have received the treatment you did. it was immature and cruel.
i hope i articulated this well. feel free to ask any questions if i confused you. <3
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Hello Loveliest Fishy!
You asked for more so here you go :)
🏆 a recent release you enjoyed
👨🏼🤝👨🏻favorite main couple
🌄 your favorite scene of any BL show
May your day be peaceful and your sleep restful.
Hello Ama! Thank you for indulging me in my desire for silly little questions lol <3
🏆 A Recent Release You Enjoyed
Definitely Perfect Propose! It was such a simple and mundane show but in the best way possible and i truly loved getting to watch Hiro and Kai open up and grow and heal together in a way that felt very natural and steady to me (and surprisingly didn't feel rushed despite how short the show was). I really appreciated the topics they touched on as well and the series will definitely be one very dear to me for a long time i think.
👨🏼🤝👨🏻 Favorite Main Couple
This is a tough one! Especially when there are so many couples i adore but i think for this I'm gonna go with Tang Yi/Shao Fei bc no matter how much I rewatch Trapped my love for them never dies. They can be so silly and ridiculous and soft and it's so much fun to watch them fight and work together and tease and take care of each other and truly fall for each other (and drive each other insane sometimes lol) in a way that feels so meaningful to me and then you add in the scenes like this
that just break me down into nothing but an emotional disaster no matter how many times i see them.
Everything about these two, from the hostility at the beginning to the ridiculous antics and the tender love and quiet gentle care and the raw heartbreaking emotion, was truly so incredible and these two have remained a favorite couple since the first watch and likely will continue to be for many years longer.
🌄 Your Favorite Scene Of Any BL Show
Wow!! World's Most Difficult Question For Me Specifically™ as someone who has watched over 40 different BLs as of now and is notoriously bad at picking favorites and sticking to them lol
To make this easier for myself I'm just gonna go with one of the first scenes that popped into my head and say the confession scene in UtsuKare at the end of season 1 in the classroom.
There is genuinely not a single thing i don't like about this scene. The emotions, the color scheme, the lighting, just everything. i do not know how to describe the way it makes me feel.
The distress in Kiyoi as this all becomes too much for him to handle anymore, the way his mask of nonchalance and apathy he hid behind for so many years to protect his heart is now nowhere to be found in the wake of everything finally boiling over, the way he shouts at Hira because its the only defense he has left, the way his voice breaks as he tries to speak and to make Hira understand, "I'm an ordinary guy. I want to be with the person i love. I want to touch him... I'm just an ordinary guy." Hira's shocked disbelief that Kiyoi could ever want him of all people, the emotion in Kiyoi's face and in his voice as he falls apart, "Why would you love someone like me?" "I wish I knew! I really don't know" the mesmerized look on Hira's face as he tries to reach out and touch Kiyoi only to have his hand slapped away because Kiyoi can't handle it if it doesn't change anything, the way Kiyoi is lashing out because he's still so afraid of how much this matters to him, "I love you so much, Kiyoi, that it drives me crazy! I think of you like a god. I never thought i could have you." " I'm not a god" Hira's nod as he tries so hard to understand "Can I touch you, Kiyoi?" "Not if it's the same way you did before" the way Hira looks at him as he tentatively places his hand on Kiyoi's cheek still unable to believe he really can do this, the way Hira looks him in the eyes as he tells him he loves him, THE HUG AND THE WAY HIRA BACKS KIYOI ONTO THE DESK AND THE LIGHTING AND THE MUSIC AND THE WAY HIRA IS FINALLY LETTING HIMSELF WANT AND TO ACT ON IT AND THE WAY KIYOI LETS HIM BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HE HAS WANTED FOR SO LONG
I'm sorry i just have a million feelings about this scene and its impossible for me to convey them in a way that makes sense and isnt just screaming but holy fuck dude this scene was so incredible and the actors did an absolutely phenomenal job with it
Even though it's the end of the season it's also just the beginning of them learning and growing together. It's the beginning of Kiyoi learning to be vulnerable and express his feelings and ask for what he wants and of Hira learning to be Kiyoi's partner and equal instead of a devotee and servant like he always thought he was. It was an incredible end to the season and very important turning point for both of them as people and their relationship going forward and i am still so incredibly proud of the growth and progress they achieved through the rest of the series. It's both one of my favorite scenes and one of my favorite series and I'm not sure i will ever really recover from the things it made me feel.
Again, thanks for the ask and sorry about my probably incomprehensible ramblings lol, I hope you have a very lovely day<3
BL Ask Game
#even as i was typing all of that out i still thought of several different scenes i could have picked akjdibakgf#im a mess#ask games#asks#ommited-miscellaneously#ama my beloved
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unrelated but I wanted to just ramble about some byeler scenes and wanted to hear your take on it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the mike/will scenes in the airport and at the roller rink. we as the audience already know HOW much mike projects his own feelings and frustrations and pushes that blame off of himself (dear goodness i love him so much but he’s so dramatic all the time <3).
We’ve seen this in prior seasons! ex: mike getting mad at will in s3, and being annoyed at will for wanting to still play dnd with him, while knowing he didn’t focus enough time for his best friend (and projecting that into the questions to will about girlfriends and wanting to play dnd).
he does this CONSTANTLY in s4, which honestly showcases byeler so strongly to me. mike does this when he brushes off will’s ecstatic hug attempt. mike does this when he gets mad at will for “ruining the day” by rolling his eyes and not talking (whereas mike is the one BARELY engaging with will since he arrived in cali). he does this when he gets mad at will for “not reaching out”, and when will debunks that argument, mike denies it and says “that’s not true”, and, “you should’ve reached out more”, and “why am i the bad guy?”. if this doesn’t showcase mike’s own behavior to a tee, i don’t know what does. mike does it once again when will asks about their relationship and the letters he sends to el, and mike gets mad and just says something along the lines of “el is my girlfriend, and we’re friends.” (defensive much? why would his friendship with will somehow get in the way of his relationship with el and vice versus….unless?) (there’s MANY more examples of this too)
THESE are mike’s feelings. whenever mike tries to deflect and blame someone else’s behavior, it’s himself all along. hell, he even does this with el! when she mentions he hasn’t said “i love you”, he just says, “i say it.” we know he doesn’t. he knows he doesn’t. she even pulls out the letters that all say “from, mike” on them. instead of owning up to his blatant lie, he shifts the blame to “other people” getting in the way of their relationship (alluding to???????) (also if i don’t quote this scene correctly or make it more vague is bc i don’t have the scene on hand)
why in the world would there be any reason for mike to need to consistently deflect people’s questions about his feelings? why does he feel the need to shift the blame onto others when they call out his strange behavior? (poor mike is the KING of projecting <3 i love him dearly though)
anyways, spare thoughts? i’m going kinda crazy about this by myself so i’d love some feedback.
Oh gosh. Michael "Blame Shifter" Wheeler. There's so much to say about him. I think your assessment of his actions is absolutely correct, Mike's knee-jerk reaction to everything is to get defensive first, but I'm so glad because we REALLY see him work on that this season with Will. I think he finally recognizes this pattern in himself and is ready to start owning his shit a bit more. We not only see this in Mike's apology to Will, but we also start to see him take accountability before he gets interrupted by Argyle in Surfer Boy Pizza. And though we never get to hear what he was going to say to El, tonally it felt like he was really going to explain himself and why he couldn't say he loved her.
I mean he's definitely hiding something about his feelings, because even at the end of s3, when El confronts him about how he blurted out I love you in the cabin, he tries to deny he ever said anything, says he doesn't remember, and says it was in "the heat of the moment," which are things you would generally say to someone if you didn't want them to know how your felt. It wouldn't make sense in the context of Mike and El's relationship because they've been together for six months and there would be no stakes of losing someone by telling them you love them in that scenario. You could plausibly chalk that up to his not wanting to say it first, but then we get the awkward kiss and the face of utter confusion after. That's not how you react to your girlfriend reciprocating your love for her.
And then we get all of the blame shifting around feelings when it comes to Will, (i.e. It's not my fault you don't like girls), and when we put this pattern together, it's a lot more telling. When Mike is refusing to talk to Will and being petty with him for not reaching out, we see Mike again in this state of being distant and suppressing, but then blaming the distance on Will. So Mike is creating a good deal of that distance, but he doesn't actually want it, and instead he's upset that Will isn't seeing through that he doesn't want space (so it's almost like a double blame shift here), and that's why he acts so petty with him in Lenora: Mike is simultaneously blaming Will for his own feelings towards Will and he's blaming Will for not being attentive to those feelings, even though Will has no clue about them and also reads Mike's weirdness as Mike pushing him away.
We see so much deflection of Mike's own feelings in his scenes with El this season because he's grappling with so much internally. If he really felt that way about El, it would be easy to tell her since she's already told him and he'd have no stakes in losing her if he told her, but he doesn't tell her because he doesn't actually feel that way, and then blame shifts to other people interfering in their relationship because he's not ready to acknowledge that he doesn't feel about his girlfriend the way he should.
To me, his actions read a lot like him desperately trying to hold onto to what he has while he's sorting his shit out. He's buying himself time with El by deflecting her questions, and he's buying himself time by pushing Will away, because then he doesn't have to acknowledge what's really wrong here.
#byler#byler endgame#byler nation#ask#mike wheeler#will byers#el hopper#st#stranger things#will byers is gay#mike wheeler i know what you are#will x mike#mike x will
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It’s truly admirable not only how you isolate and portray the key elements of ACOTAR (narrative links, overarching themes, etc), but also the grace you have when confronting the slander dredged up against characters like Gwyn and Lucien. I know it’s just a book, but the one run-in I had with an anti who slandered Gwyn actually made me so angry that it took some time before I could return to the “conversation” and use ACOSF quotes to defend her.
In the time I’ve been following you, I’ve never seen you stoop to the cheap shots and pandering. I appreciate it, for the fandom. And admire it, for myself. I don’t think I’d be able to engage with this fandom without blogs like you 💞
🧼💖
This was such a wonderful message to receive, thank you for that 🥰
Yeah, it's technically just a book but you and I both know that people are making it more personal than that. Because if it were really "just a book" we'd never bring our own emotions into it. We'd be able to discuss "just the facts" and that would be it. But it's never "just a book" because we all connect with certain things from this book because of our own experiences or history or emotions. So when people attack a character there's definitely an element of attacking real people behind it especially when they are basing their attacks on things that don't actually exist in the book at all. That's the part that hurts us. If I were to say, "Gwyn needs to learn how to stand up to Merrill", then even if bothers you a little bit to hear it, you might not feel as defensive. Because I'm literally making my comment entirely about the book and the scenes where we actually witness her being bossed around by Merrill and realizing that maybe she needs to confront Merrill about the way she's being treated. But people don't stick to facts. They say things like, "Gwyn is probably lying about her SA". That's where it becomes personal. Because there's nothing in canon to support those kinds of statements AT ALL. There's no real debate that you can have over that because it's a completely baseless comment and an issue real issue SA survivors face. As there is nothing in the book to suggest it being true, all that's left is to feel like it's a personal attack against SA survivors.
It's very clear when someone has a discussion about what's going on in the actual book and when they're slandering a character because it makes them feel better about their own ship. And it's really not easy to fight against the negative emotions that makes us feel and not want to retaliate in kind. And honestly, I have wanted to make nasty comments from time to time too. Because it drives me crazy to hear the way people talk and for them not to realize how horrible they are being to actual people, to not realize how juvenile they sound. For whatever reason, I've been able to hold back and I'm glad because I know in the end, they wouldn't care anyway. To them, I'm nobody so it's not like they're going to stop and say, "wow....I really hear what she's telling me and now I feel bad for how I've behaved." The only thing I can do and the thing that actually seems to drive them the craziest, is to maintain my calm as much as possible. Because they want a fight, they want to get a rise out of me. When you don't give them that then you end up coming out on top. Not only against them but for yourself too.
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