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daddyricsdoll · 5 months

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Hate but I love you too ✭ Ollie Bearman

Summary: From when he ignored you then nearly kissed your lips. Or never said sorry to begging for you. Oliver was a rollercoaster of emotions and it's safe to say- It took hate to love him.

Warnings: Unprotected sex.

Word count: 2.9k

A/N: Based off of a request. I'm sorry it took a while, quite a few things happened, but I enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoy reading this too! (did change a few things)

“Hey Ollie” I smile at him as we walk toward our karts that sit only metres away from the other. “What do you want?” He turns his head toward me with furrowed brows. “Oh, I-um just came to say hi and good luck.” I try my best to keep a smile on my face as he grimaces. “Ok then, thanks I guess.” He mumbles under his breath before quickening his pace and rushing to his kart.

It did hurt to watch him leave because of me, but it wasn’t the first time and it never made me stop from approaching him again. And just like the first time, it happened the next, he would always find a way out, but I found another in. I had questioned his actions and dislike toward me, but never got the answer, or maybe the one I was looking for at least. So after setting the goal of speaking to him every time we were in the same premises, I eventually lost it. Moving up into F4 and giving him a smile, then F3 and little glares.

F3 was an interesting time, it was when we started to only focus on racing, relationships later, whether it was friendships or romantically, we could all agree we had some struggles. And then came the part I thought would be my happy ending, but U-turned straight out.

But then came a experience for all of us drivers to experience what a lot of kids our age do. So then came a party with nearly all the drivers on the grid, hosted by a driver, so you could expect it to be on the spectrum toward chaotic. It happened to start light, small talk and grabbing another drink, before people loosened up and with that came party games. The truth or dare and spin the bottle.

My hand lightly shook as I grabbed the bottle in hand, trying to estimate which person it would point toward. Hoping it would be the British boy that sat across from me, and this time he wouldn't walk away.

Everyone's eyes stuck on the bottle and when it pointed in between two people I looked up to see it was Ollie and Jak. Everyone started shouting out their opinions of who it shall be before they all voted, and it was Ollie. I watched many emotions cross his face as we both leant forward and our lips inched closer to the other.

I stopped moving, waiting for him to make the next move, his lips were so close that I could feel his breath against my skin and I closed my eyes as I waited for him to close the gap. My lips curled into a smile as I was sure I would finally feel him. But instead of his lips ultimately against mine, I felt cold as I lost his presence and then his voice that refused to kiss me. “I can’t kiss her, we’re both rivals and it might ruin the race tomorrow.”

I don’t say anything, but sit back in the circle, at long last, accepting my defeat. I watched as some conflict arose, people telling Ollie it’s just a game and it doesn’t mean anything, but then he fought back claiming he wouldn’t kiss anyone in the circle, and then the game ended.

I found somewhere to sit in sorrow but also bliss, at how close his lips came to mine, but then how he left. I was alone for a short while before Arthur Leclerc approached me. He wasn’t even part of F3 this year but said “I could never miss out on a party.” and then sat beside me while enlightening me with his jokes and bad english. From there me and Arthur became close, while the tension between me and Ollie grew. I secretly schemed ways in my head to get Ollie back, make him feel the way I felt, make him regret something or tempt him with something, make it come so close then take it from him. There was no denying I wanted that thing to be me, and that’s what held my plan back.

The next year we both were signed into teams on the F2 grid, he had the opportunity to be with Prema racing and me with ART grand prix.

After Jeddah, our rivalry started to grow realising we were the top two drivers fighting for the win each race, me getting the victory first and him second. Then came up Australia, a track we were all new to, but it didn’t mean we wouldn’t try as hard.

I led the race with Ollie right behind me, fighting around corners and defending on straights. We had 3 more laps left as our tires started degrading drastically and our cars lost the power they had earlier in the race. Speeding down the main straight and reaching turn 1 Ollies tire clipped mine and we both spun into the gravel.

Furrowed brows under my helmet as I got out of my car that would’ve taken me to the top of the podium if it weren’t for Oliver Bearman. I put my steering wheel back in and smack the halo, needing something to take my anger out before walking away with clenched fists. Oliver stands still and stares at me as I aim to stride past him, but instead I land directly in front of him but don’t say a word. Our helmets would’ve touched if it weren’t for our heights and although my visor was still on I knew he understood the emotions that ran through me at that moment. We stayed like that for what felt like minutes until I walked away with a brush against his shoulder and hand.

Every race after that there was a stronger battle between both of us, it was either me or him that won, and those few times we didn’t, the bottom two on the podium had our names on it.

Just like last year, there was a party held, but this time we were in F2 and I wasn’t tailing after him.

Me and Arthur walked in together dressed impeccably and proud. We had a good season together and maybe letting loose at this “party” might make this season better.

Since everyone on the grid was here, it would be inevitable to see Oliver. Whether it’s a good or bad thing, I kind of do want to see him, especially since after that crash, I’ve never been better and he doesn’t enjoy being under me, so I’ll have a great time.

It barely took 5 minutes until Arthur found Oliver and started a conversation, while I stood with Arthur people congratulated me on having dominance over the season so far and I just waited till Oliver would say it too. And to my surprise it didn’t take long. “Oh um, congratulations.” I hear him mumble under his breath. “Sorry I didn’t catch that, can you say that again?” I ask him, hiding my smirk with a confused look.

He gives me an annoyed smirk, knowing wholly what I was trying to do. “Congratulations.” He quickly says and watches a smile curl on my lips before walking away with one too. Me and Arthur somehow separate and I find another one of my favourite people on the grid–Juan. I immediately laughed as the first words he said were an enlightening joke, and we sat at the table and talked, it felt so short but apparently it wasn’t.

I excused myself to the bathroom but not without a short interruption. “Nice boyfriend, since when?” The oh so recognisable accent drew me out of my stride.

“Oh, Oliver? I never knew you had an interest in people's personal lives.” I sarcastically joked, but I gained no reaction from him.

“I never knew you had an interest in people so low in the championship.”

“Unlike you Oliver, I actually know how to interact with people whether they are high or low in the championship because I know they won’t ruin my race even if we’re rivals.” I try to add some of his words from that night in F3 while taking a step closer toward him and most definitely getting in his personal space. He doesn’t attempt to move back into the wall that he already rests on, but instead looks down at me with concentrated eyes staring into mine.

“How do you interact with people? Oh please show me. Is it actions before words?” I knew exactly what he was asking for so I step on my tippy toes to stand taller and he lifts his head to look straight forward at me, I move my face closer to his, just like he did that night. I feel the ghost of his hand along my hips as my parted lips hover over his. I breathe against his skin and feel him try to move closer to me just before I break away and walk back into the main room.

Losing my need for the bathroom I walk back with a smirk and see the same one of Arthur’s faces. We both found a seat next to each other and laughed as I told him what happened. Arthur couldn’t get over it and started making fun of Ollie from across the table. Sending him air kisses and chuckles.

And just like I hoped this night did make the season more enjoyable.

I walked out of the Prema garage as we were 15 minutes till lights out and me and Arthur had just spent the morning being stupid together. We still couldn’t get over last night and Arthur was just waiting to see Ollie again, which was definite thanks to them being teammates. But as Ollie walked in, I had to leave. I sent him a teasing smile and he looked away with his signature furrowed brows.

We all got in our cars and lined up on the grid, me and Oliver sharing the front row. Once the lights went out Ollie kept the lead and I trailed behind him, keeping the gap close. Halfway through the race there was a yellow flag which lasted a few minutes before we were back to racing. The yellow flag closed the gap between both of us by a lot and now we were wheel to wheel.

I had the inside line so we both knew what was going to happen. But just like Australia, our cars collide and our race ends in seconds. I was most definitely filled with the same emotions as Australia but I knew hitting the halo wouldn’t ease them. I don’t dare to walk close or past Oliver so I take the long way around and stride straight to my driver's room. I don’t speak to anyone on the way there and slam the door once I arrive.

It hadn’t even been a minute until I received an unexpected knock on my door. Everyone knew that when I was angry, it was best to leave me alone unless you were certain that you could make me feel better. So when I got up to answer the door I was surprised to see Oliver. Before I could say a word, he beat me to it. “I’m sorry.” I stood there confused trying to process the words he had just told me. “I-I hit something and I couldn’t control my car, I think you hit it too and then we both…”

“And you think sorry will fix what just happened? For the second time!”

“No, I don’t think it will fix everything, but maybe if you accept the apology then things might change.”

“What happened? So you start talking to me, and now you learn manners! What happened to ignoring me and sending glares or not talking because I’d ruin your race or maybe you just never liked me!”

“A lot happened! And I don’t know how to explain it, but don’t act like I’m the only one that changed! What happened to the smiles you would give me before the race or when you would walk with me on the track?”

“You ignored it Oliver! You never showed an interest and you knew what you did that one night. You really hurt me Ollie.”

“Well then please, give me a chance to fix it. I regret everything I ever did or didn’t do.”

“And why do you want to fix it now Oliver?”

“I… I realised something. I realised that I really enjoyed when you would talk to me! And that the reason I ignored you before races was because you would infiltrate my mind during the race like you do every day and night! And I really wanted you- I still want you!”

“Fuck it.” I mutter under my breath as my hand grabs his and pulls it into my room and shutting the door right behind him. I had spent so long wondering what his lips would feel like, and now I know, they are the definition of paradise, my paradise. And his hands finally against my body did more than just touch my skin, they touched my mind and I tried to engrave the feeling into me. We broke the kiss and I looked into his eyes, irises being eaten by his pupils. Once my eyes landed on his neck, my lips did too. Placing hickeys all over his skin and moaning at the sound of his hushed groans.

“Is this what you wanted, Oliver?” I ask him against his skin. I don’t get words as an answer but little whines instead. My hands go to the top of his racing suit and I start unzipping it, soon pulling it down his body. Ollie starts to help me, mirroring my actions and seconds later we both stood in just our fireproofs. I couldn’t bear to still see him in clothes so my hands pulled his top off and my hands travelled along his unclothed chest.

“Come on Oliver, I’m not the one that has to fix this.” I mumble against his lips with a smirk. His hands then grip the back of my thighs and pull my body up against his. My legs wrap around his body like it’s not the first time and he lays me down on the small driver's bed.

“Is it too hard to finish what you started?” He whispers against my skin as he pulls my pants down my legs and they land on the ground. I sit up and lean forward to slide his pants down his legs so he can help ease the need between my legs. And once his pants sit next to mine, I have to clench my thighs together for at least some friction.

“Would you like to watch me finish what I started?” I ask and before I gain an answer I swap our positions, I replace my body on the bed with his and I stand in front of him. I barely give him any time to react as I crawl onto his lap. And then in seconds I lower onto his dick. Emitting a loud moan from his perfect lips, one that’s louder and longer than my own.

“I guess I’ll take first place again, on your list of best people you’ve fucked.”

“Fuck, oh, you’re the only one on the list.” He somehow manages to grit through his teeth. His words do something to me, and I start to work harder, his hips also coming to meet mine.

“Good, let’s keep it that way.” I occupy my lips with his and we capture each other’s moans. It didn’t take long until we were both moments away from coming, and it was like we had planned it together as we simultaneously came. I started riding both of our highs out until he grabbed my body again and flipped us over.

My back hit the soft bed and his hands slid along my hips as he started ramming into me. My whole body moved and it was something I didn’t expect from Oliver, but luckily I now enjoy the unexpected. We both cursed under our breath and out loud as our second climax was inching closer. I clenched around his dick and traced the delicacy of his body as I let myself feel everything that he was giving to me.

His eyes that remind me of autumn glint down into mine before I have to shut my eyes as my back arches and I cum onto his dick for the second time. I wait for the disparate feeling of him releasing in me again and whine when it finally happens.

He then lets out a long sigh and lays down onto me, body enveloping mine as he stays inside of me. “This was more than what I wanted.” He breathes out and then lays beside me, resulting in feeling the emptiness between my legs but oh so satisfied.

“Have I fixed what was broken?” He asked me.

“Maybe, but this is the first step.” I turn toward him and smile before he smiles back. This was more than I hoped and certainly more than I expected. So to sum it up, Ollie is many things and emotions, maybe I had to go through the dislike to savour and realise how much the like is worth. So Oliver, you made me want to stab you, but heal your wounds. Drown you, but part the ocean so you can walk through. You made me hate you, but love you too.

#ollie bearman imagine #ollie bearman x you #ollie bearman fluff #ollie bearman x reader #ollie bearman #ollie bearman smut #f2 fanfic #f2 fluff #f2 fic #f2 smut #f2 #oliver bearman #f1 smut #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 x reader #prema racing

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somethingsomethingwords · 4 months

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Ok so, here is another one. This is a little bit different from what I usually write or even like reading, but alas, sometimes an idea just enters your brain and just doesn't leave. Also this one has a title ig. So here it is. I hope you'll like it. Enjoy 💜

Of course I wanted you to stay

(but you didn't, no you didn't, no you didn't)

Lance was so full of adrenaline he almost dropped the mic. He was shaking from head to toe, but there was a huge grin on his face.

There was no sadness, because even if this was the last concert of the tour, it had been one of his best ones like, ever.

Also he was home, so he knew that after all the crazy partying he would do tonight, tomorrow he'd meet his sister, he'd go to that bakery that sells the best cupcakes, and he'd be able to roam the streets with his thick glasses and ugly beanie and scarf combos, and no one would recognise him.

But still, that's tomorrow. In that moment, there was the encore.

It was always different, so it was always special, but that day even more so. It was composed of three of his older songs, about pain and heartache and moving on despite the past, maybe in spite of it. He loved it very much. Because he was home, singing his first hits and he was ending one of the happiest and saddest tours of his life.

It had started great, new album, in love and energetic. Then he was left behind, alone and with nothing to show for it. Because it had to stay a secret. He had to keep his love secret. He had had no one to complain to, because the only people who knew would have been put in an uncomfortable situation, and he didn't want that. So he hid his hurt and did what he always did. He put it in his music. He sang his pain until the only hurt he could feel was the one in his throat.

It really had been a rollercoaster. But now it was the end, everything was better, and he wanted to send a last fuck you. He may have matured, but nothing would make him lose his pettiness.

So he sang.

Are you sorry like you weren't at the time?

Loving you was easy,

that's why it hurts now

The worst way to love somebody

is to watch them love somebody else

and it works out now

And sang.

Cause someone loved me,

someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me,

I loved him too

Goddamn it, I was worth something,

I fuckin' earned something

I have a right to die, a right to live,

a right to choose, too. And God, no!

Of course I don't wanna feel better!

Can you fucking imagine?!

And sang.

Because, in the end,

you can see how much I loved you

from the fact that I'm fine now

It's a lie, but I say it anyhow

He put every single emotion into these songs, and finally let them go.

When the crowd roared, it all exploded.

He felt a solitary tear wet his face, but nothing could have stolen his smile. He waited for his band, then bowed and left the stage.

The night was young and he was feeling free and wild. And quite hungry, actually.

So he took his band to his favourite pub. They ate, and drank, and ate some more.

On the taxi towards his house, Lance realised that, no matter how much it had hurt, he didn't regret having what he had with Fernando.

Even the tears, even the heartbreak, they all shaped the person he was today.

He liked to think he was loyal, and dependable and kind. But most importantly, he liked to think he was better than the person he was yesterday.

His house appeared, and after paying and tipping the taxi driver, he opened the door.

Yeah, it was big and a little bit empty and a little bit cold. A little bit like his heart. But it was something to be proud of, because it was his, and he was working on it.

---

The next day he really started to rethink all of this rock star thing.

His head pounded with his heartbeat and his mouth tasted rancid.

He got up and drank some water, downing a couple of aspirins for his headache.

After the shower he felt somewhat normal, and decided to go out for breakfast.

He reached his favourite bakery and ordered two pastries to go. He wanted to retreat and lay warmly in front of the fireplace.

Lance noticed him as soon as he stepped out, but he decided to ignore him. His house wasn't that far, he could reach it quickly and without having to talk to him. For once, he wanted to thank whoever made him with long legs.

But even if he could go fast without running, so could the other.

They walked in silence, side by side, for a few minutes.

When the silence and the presence were getting to him, he abruptly stopped and turned towards the other man.

"What do you want?"

Fernando didn't deserve kindness nor gentleness. He forfeited those when he left Lance. Via text. Without explanation and blocking him immediately after.

Lance had spent too many days crying; now he wanted nothing to do with the man.

"Hello Lance. Was just around" he said, as if it explained why he was in Canada and not in England, in Monaco, hell even at home in Spain.

Lance huffed and started moving again, having had more than enough, but stopped when he felt a firm grip on his wrist.

He stared at the hand on his arm with wide eyes, before raising them to Nando's face.

"You have three seconds to either take your hand off or have it broken" he said shakily.

There must have been something in his voice that made the threat a real one, because suddenly he was free again.

"Lance, am sor..." Nando started.

"Shut up before I make you. We can't discuss here, someone could recognise you. Come to my house" surely not his finest moment, but all Lance could feel was fury. Still, he wasn't raising his voice, so he could consider it a win.

you are still protecting him, Este's voice said in his mind.

shut up, of course I am, but what else could he do?

They arrived at his house. He quickly opened the door and closed it when Fernando got in.

"You have no right to come here with your flimsy excuse and expect me to be ok with it. Now, tell me what you want and get the hell out of my house" there, simple and direct.

For a moment, Fernando seemed seriously sorry. But Lance didn't care. He was the one left behind, the one who had to pick up his pieces when he fell apart. He healed as best as he could, and he would not apologise for building up his defences.

"Lance, I am really sorry, for what's worth. I want to explain"

"You are a few months too late. At this point, I don't even know if I care. I only ever asked one thing, Alonso. One. I was ok with being kept a secret, and avoiding being seen together, and the distance. I only asked you to openly communicate and shit like that. You just left without a word" now that he had started, he couldn't seem to stop.

"You knew, I told you why I wanted that. Why I needed you to be honest and open, yet you just disappeared. I had to ask Este, who had to ask Mick. And for what. To be told that you had a new model girlfriend? So no, Alonso, I don't care anymore. It would just reopen old wounds. Now go, I'm sure you have somewhere else to be"

and someone else to be with, it wasn't said but both could hear it.

"That's not right. I have nowhere to go. Am alone, Lance" he said, something hurt and teary in his voice.

Lance was about to replicate, sharp words already on the tip of his tongue, when something in Nando's expression made him stop. His eyes showed how open he was being, how vulnerable.

Lance sighed, and led the man into the living room, making him sit on the couch, while he went into the kitchen and brought back two glasses of water. He would have preferred something stronger, but this felt too important of a moment to have it tainted by alcohol and not being in the right mind.

He sat on the opposite side of the couch, and waited for the other to start talking.

"First of all, am sorry, really. I knew it would hurt you, how I left you, but I did it anyway. And I know you have no reason to believe me or care. Am here because I believe you deserve the truth about everything"

He seemed honest, but Lance wouldn't trust him so easily, not again.

"What are you hoping for with your confession months later, mh? I'm not going to obediently come back to you, waiting to be heartbroken again. You're not gonna fuck me and leave, either. So, what do you want?" he was probably being unfair to the other man, but anger and confusion had never been a good mix of emotions for him.

"Lance, I would never..."

"Like you would never leave, Alonso? Don't make promises you can't keep and don't say things you don't mean" he interrupted, harsh and stubborn.

"You are right. I made promises and then I broke them and betrayed your trust. But I need you to know I had reasons. Not perfect, not good, but I had them" and goddamnit, Lance could feel himself beginning to soften.

just listen to him, said his conscience, suspiciously sounding like Mick.

"Would you care to explain them?" Was he being sarcastic or curious? He himself didn't know.

"Of course. Someone was starting to notice some...changes in me. I was happier, nicer, smiled more. Someone I don't like said something in a way I didn't like. Made me understand that he knew something was up, and would ruin me. So I decided that I needed to protect myself, to protect you. Left you because I couldn't see you. I knew I'm not strong enough to leave you if I saw you"

It all sounded logical, from a certain point of view, but Lance knew there was more, so he waited for the other to continue.

After a few seconds, Fernando raised his eyes, looking at Lance, before turning them down again.

"I didn't like the weakness. All the time, I was thinking about you, wanted you near. It was too much. So I thought I could just stay away, and forget about it"

about you, was left unsaid.

"And can you? Forget about it?" Lance not only wanted to know. He needed to, before going on with the conversation. He could feel his hands beginning to shake and his eyes starting to water, but he had to be sure.

Fernando immediately raised his eyes, and spoke with a tone determined and something like hope in his eyes.

"Of course I can't. I'm here right now, begging for a second chance" he said pleadingly.

"Then beg" Lance said, not meanly, but he also wasn't feeling particularly charitable, and it was better to make some things clear from the beginning: he wasn't going to repeat the same mistakes. He wasn't the young man staring at his teen crush, starry eyed and in love and grateful for every scrap of attention and affection. He was older, maybe a little bit more bitter, a little bit wiser. Fernando left some marks onto his heart, and he wasn't going to refresh them for nothing less than certainty.

"Lance, please give me another chance. I know I fucked up, was so wrong. I'm begging you, let me fix this. However long it takes, is ok. Just, tell me you'll think about forgiving me, and starting again" he was being so earnest, how could Lance resist?

"Even if I forgive you, and it's a big if, I'm not going to forget anytime soon, ok? I'll need time and space and for you to make an effort" he really was weak for this man, but who could blame him, he spent half his childhood idolizing him and then he met him and fell in love.

"Will do whatever it takes. But let me, please"

Realising all the air stuck in his lungs, Lance sighed.

"Ok"

He didn't even finish the word that Fernando picked him up and spun Lance around, making him laugh despite himself.

Fernando finally put him down, and took his hand to kiss it, maintaining the eye contact for a few seconds.

Lance could feel himself blushing, and quickly shook his head, still smiling.

After a few seconds of just getting reacquainted with one another, Fernando broke the silence.

"I liked the show yesterday. Especially the encore"

And now Lance was definitely blushing. His encore had been designed as a way of finally letting go, one last screw you to the man now in front of him. But he couldn't say that to him, even if it was pretty clear.

It would have been childish to throw shades at Fernando in one of his concerts, no?

"Yeah, I was inspired, I guess" his smile smaller but still there.

"Fuck the guy who made you suffer, the bastard" and in his jokingly way, Nando was telling him that he wasn't angry, and that they would be ok.

"Yeah, fuck him"

#lance stroll #fernando alonso #strollonso #grumpy cat boy x besotted old man #this old man is down bad #the boy isnt any better but at least he tries hiding it #this is a popstar au ig #also my very first #song fic #if u'r interested the songs are #body better by Maisie Peters #Feel better by Penelope Scott #and for my italian entry #Occhi grigi di Fulminacci feat Giovanni Truppi #roughly traslated by me #go liten to all these artists obviously #also also #the title is from Villain by Maisie Peters

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donniesexceptionalmind · 6 months

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Hello there~ I’m currently in the process of getting diagnosed (or at least checked out for) autism. Also anxiety and adhd, the former I definitely have, and I think I may be some form of AuDHD. My parents were very traditional growing up and my father still thinks being neurodivergent is “bad” and the main emotional manipulation in my relationship with my parents comes from my mom. I came out to them around this time last year as bi and that was an emotional rollercoaster. It took me almost two years of asking to finally get a therapist (after I told my school counselor I was feeling really, really really really bad, and she intervened) and another half year for my therapist to convince my parents to get a diagnosis checkout. I was wondering if you had any tips for autistics (or possible autistics) with non-supportive parents, like subtle ways to stim or deal with meltdowns without getting yelled at,

And my parents aren’t bad all time around— it’s sort of like your relationship with Splinter where you crave his approval more than life but also know he could be a bit of a better dad, except maybe worse bc my parents are like Mother Gothel. Emotional manipulation is… nice

Sorry for the long rant lol— I just went on an hour-long rabbit hole about your tips for autistic peeps and figured I’d try an ask of my own. Have a peaceful day, and remember you’re so amazing! Seriously, I’ve developed so many stims and mannerisms from you and it’s been one of my hyperfixations for months now. I’m rambling now. Ok thanks byeeeeeee! 💜

There's no need to apologise for a long rant! I appreciate the trust & the courage it might have taken to actually reach out! /g YOU ARE VALID.

First:

"Every human, in the entire history of the universe, stims."

So, stim away. If you need it to feel regulated & calm - then DO IT.

Personal note: All stimming behaviours besides harmful stimming should be respected. There should be no right stim or wrong stim. Of course, if a certain stim is hurting another person (say because you are chirping like a bird & it's hurting their ears, then you should stim another way).

STIMMING SHOULD NOT BE FORBIDDEN AS IT IS VITAL FOR THE AUTISTIC PERSON.

Moving on.

Subtle ways to stim:

Tapping your foot/ leg (its a stim many people show when they are nervous, it's "a common behaviour"

Clicking a pen (careful, it can be annoying)

Wiggling your fingers/ toes - I like to call it finger dancing

Tapping your fingers

Soft humming

Chewing gum

Rubbing your hands together (can be seen as a sign of being cold as well)

Fiddling with your clothes

Twirling your hair (if you have long hair) or just touching your hair

Fiddling with a keychain, anxiety ring (those are not pricey & they can help a lot!) or other jewelry

Having a small comfort item with you to touch, maybe a textured stone or a smooth one

There are also many small fidgets which can be hidden in your hand or are very quiet:

Again, the anxiety or fidget ring

Stress balls are always a good option (just don't use the ones with air or orbeez inside, those make noises - I enjoy them)

Marble & Mesh, tangles

Bike chain fidgets

Acupressure rings or bracelets

Moochis (these squishy little animals, things)

Rainbow hedgeballs

A fidget pad (I have one in the shape of a gaming controller, so good) or a fidget cube

A Rubics cube - YES I know, it's a puzzle AND big, but you don't have to solve it (it's easy), just twisting the blocks around can be a good way to stim too. There are also smaller ones available that you can put on a keychain, though I prefer the original

#donnie answers #donnies exceptional mind #donnies special interests #autism #autism awareness #stimming #neurodivergent stuff #autism things #rottmnt autistic donnie #rise autistic donnie #autistic donatello #stimming is normal #neurodiversity

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bacchicly · 3 months

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List day + a bit of journaling

I am feeling sorry for myself today - amid a mix of other emotions and I know that when I start to get resentful of the universe it can lead to bad things...especially if I push it down or try to pretend that everything is fine. The challenge is I feel guilty about feeling cheated. I compare my pain to those around me and know that I actually have it pretty good...VERY good. But feelings...they don't understand scale and feelings are not there for anyone but me. If I am to talk to myself the way I would talk to a friend (isn't it annoying that hackenied advice like that is actually good? Gah.) I have to tell myself I am allowed to feel what I feel and not worry about it...not feel guilty...but yes make a choice to express it in a way that will not hurt those I care about and love. Express it in a way so that it doesn't poison future moments. I need to lean into my decision to live like I matter and that I deserve care and that I may not be able to choose how I feel but I can take steps to choose how I express them. (Oh god...it's like I am turning into an after-school special...a televangelist or pop psychologist...blech).

Context - I took this week off partly because my kid was supposed to be at school this week and had an overnight school trip planned for tonight...but...and I 100% know it is worse for them...they are coughing too much to go. So they are going to be home today and tomorrow and then into the weekend. And my time I planned to spend mostly alone doing chores or hanging out with my husband is now not going to happen.

Ok so what am I feeling?

Afraid- I had things to do this week and frankly I have done none of them yet. And I know I can still do them but having my kid here makes it more complicated and there is no way I am going to get as much as I hoped done...and I know people always tell you that there are more things in life than a clean house...but guys? Mine is not untidy. It is filthy. It is covered in pile and piles of stuff - not all of it mine of course - but that just makes it more complicated to tackle. If it was all mine - yes it would be easier - but then I would also be alone and not have the good things. Easy is not always good. Simple is not always the more beautiful choice...But if I am choosing a life that is complex....then I need to bring more complex skills to the table. I need to give myself the gifts of time and kindness and space to practice them.

Gah. I need that meme...the one that is about taking my stupid body for a walk...or the grumpy penguin making valentines...

You know what I hate? I hate that manslowe's hierarchy of needs makes it seem like it's a linear process that if you are self actualized you have clearly mastered the lower stuff. That is fucking hooyie. I am great at self actualizing. I am terrible at some of the lower stuff and so are many maybe most of us. Fuck you manslowe. (No don't come at me I know that wasn't exactly what the pyramid was trying to say...but the long term impact has not been good...well except the legacy of those memes that alter it. I fucking could eat those.

Ok. So what else do I feel?

Angry? Disappointed? Why me? Frustrated?

Yeppers. Life is sometimes not fair and it is no one's fault. And I am allowed to feel that shit. I deserve to. It's part of life's tapestry. But...I can choose how I process it. I can learn new skills. I can vent to strangers and friends on the internet and not be a jerk (knock wood) to my family. I can sit and let the feelings take me on their glorious rollercoaster. I can enjoy thinking about why anger is so much more comfy for me than fear or sadness or helplessness. I can think about how lucky we are to have petty disappointments and tragedy (for now at least) and use this time to practice my skills for when it is harder. When I don't have time or space to process right away. When it is something harder and less clear cut - with far fewer upsides. Using tragedy to practice for tragedy feels gross and grizzly in some ways... but at least it is doing. At least it makes me stronger and less likely to hurt people I love. At least it makes it easier to ask for what I need to keep going.

I downloaded a new app... Designed to help manage ADHD...it costs a fair amount for the year - but about the same as one massage or therapy appointment - and I have a 7 day trial. So I am trying to decide if it's something I should commit to. It's confusing though because I know my first while with anything new is a honeymoon...and eventually I will disengage. But I am working on taking that into account but also not not taking opportunities because of it. I think this could be good for me. Therapy has fallen by the wayside for now... And my other apps aren't working. This is working right now...but...while I have no plans on changing...change will come. Friends or myself will have life things that may prompt us to either change apps or the app itself may cease to exist or even if I use tumblr ...or the list day thing may just stop working...I mean it morphs regularly already and works sometimes and not others. So I just need to keep swimming. Fortunately I love swimming.

I think though...this new app and tumblr could work well together for awhile. And me going through the structured learning and activities wouldn't hurt. And not actually having to talk to a therapist means...well it's a bit like writing fan fiction...I can jump right in...I don't have to paint the picture and go through the usual rigamarole of having to explain the nuances of my character and life to give the therapist context....which tends to just make me feel defensive and kind of bored. My life is so far from anyone's textbook...it's hard to catch people up quickly (and then they want to keep telling me "everyone" feels that way about everything and I just feel like shouting ...keep up! I know that! I am not stupid! Besides if I want to take an hour out of my schedule to talk to someone...I'd rather spend time with someone I am allowed to love and care about or at least produce things with...therapists can only be therapists. You aren't allowed to be friends or write a play together or draft new policy. And it's unfair because they are always such interesting and dynamic people. No. I will talk here. I will paint the walls of my blog and write fan fic and then have coffee with my husband and go camping with my kid. I will carve out time to finish the plays I am writing and email the director I was talking to last week and arrange to do a reading of one of my WIP.

Yes I have mental stuff. Yes I have physical stuff. Yes I have a difficult but rewarding job. Yes I have a difficult but wonderful home life. But that's what life is. Plot. Improv. Contribution.

Ok I feel better. I can and will do this life thing. One step.... One blog post... One list at a time. There is too much beautiful and terrible not to. I will kiss the damn whole thing open mouthed. I will fucking make a meal of it. I will go big and be home!

Ta da! Tra la! Ok now for my list. It is 11:43... And I have the whole damn day to make the world a bit of a better place...

Journal - ta done!

Make list - started!

Go downstairs and make lunch for me and my gang.

Eat and watch Golden girls with my kid. Tell them how proud I am of them for making the decision to stay home (I was ready to make a decision if pressed but instead I did a good job of setting it up so my kid could make the decision on their own. I am proud of that.)

Do the dreaded dishes but revel in how brave and awesome I am at it - even the yucky parts. Take that stupid dishes! I will set a damn timer for an hour (audio book) and race to finish. Stay on task!

Clean out the fridge drawer of death. Light sabers optional.

Find the library book that is tragically overdue. See if I can still return it or if I have to pay the replacement fee. Get my library card reinstated. (If you guys ever think ADHD is not a thing or that I am not the poster child...we'll give your head a shake.

Sit at the library for an hour or so and do whatever the fuck I want. Delicious.

See where I am at.

If you read this far...or even just skipped to the end. Thank you for being here. Whether you comment or like or just lurk and leave nothing...please know just by being a witness to this tiny side show you are making a difference. Me being able to use this space ...to feel like someone out there is watching... It helps a lot. It makes me much stronger and more likely to behave in a way I can be proud of. It means I do less harm. So thank you.

#bacchic dances #list day #adhd #life with adhd

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tngrace · 1 year

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Once Upon a Bradbaby

Meet Caroline

I'm pretty sure @cycbaby gets thanks for the title. It was just too cute not to use. This was a joy to write and I can't wait to write the other kid fics. I hope yall enjoy 💙

🏷: @dragon-kazansky @mrsjaderogers @bayisdying @askmarinaandothers @cycbaby @callsignscupcake @breadsquash @ladylanera

Grace knew the day they decided they were ready to expand their family that it wouldn't be an easy road due to her pcos. But she honestly didn't know how hard it would be, what an emotional rollercoaster it would actually entail. They decided to keep it private, Grace not wanting everyone to constantly be disappointed. She knew it was hard on Bradley keeping it a secret, but he did it for her.

The first year came and went with no results. She finally broke down and told Lucky and Cin one night at girls night when she'd had too much to drink. Her friends understood more than anything, and they just held her as she cried her eyes out. Lucky told Bradley what happened when he picked her up and she was already asleep. "Thanks girls," he whispered, accepting his own hugs from them.

Come July when she had her yearly, her doctor recommended they start testing. She went the beginning of August for a test to see if her tubes were even open and thankfully they were. She wasn't ready to start meds yet, but it was something they were considering. She was honestly afraid they would have to consider the fertility route and she wasn't sure they'd be able to afford it. She was trying to hold out hope that it would happen, but every period seemed to diminish it even more.

She loved all the trying just as much as Bradley. The sex was fantastic if she was being honest, and she loved how much Bradley wanted her, and wanted her to feel loved no matter what. When Cin announced her pregnancy, she was over the moon for her friend, but her heart broke just a little. It broke a little more when Lucky also got pregnant. Neither were planned, and she was truly excited to be an aunt. She couldn't wait, but she also cried that she couldn't give this to Bradley. She knew he'd make an amazing dad and she couldn't wait to see him as an uncle either. Her heart was just battered and bruised.

What she didn't know was that she was already three months pregnant when Lucky found out she was expecting. The tube test had flushed her tubes, and she'd gotten pregnant, but because she continued to have light and irregular periods she never realized it. With her having already gained back some of the weight she lost, her body didn't really change as her pregnancy progressed either.

They're at the Hard Deck one night about three months later, Grace having taken her break to hang out with everybody. She'd been feeling off all day, and Penny had tried to get her to go home, but she insisted she was fine. "Babe you ok?" Bradley asks quietly as she rests with her head on his shoulder, the conversation just swirling around her.

"Yea… just felt off all day. Penny told me to go home but I should stay busy." She cracks her jaw with a yawn and Bradley winces.

"Maybe you don't have to," he whispers. He knows she should start tomorrow and he knows she wants to stay busy to forget about it. But he'd be lying if didn't say he was at least a little bit hopeful they'd made a baby.

"I wish," she mumbles. A guy passes their table and his cologne is so strong, it almost knocks her over. Her stomach rolls, and Bradley swears he watches her turn green.

"Grace?"

She shakes her head and darts to the bathroom. Her head is hurting, she's tired and she just wants to cry. She's so tired of her body fucking with her. Bradley follows her, but since the bar is busy, he doesn't follow her in despite wanting too. He snags Lucky from the pool table, and sends her in. Grace is splashing water on her face trying to hold back tears.

"I'm fine Bay. I promise. I don't know what happened."

"You don't look fine." Her best friend has always been blunt and she appreciates it.

She gives her a soft chuckle before Cin joins them as well. "Everything ok Spice?"

"Yea. Just…" she shrugs. "Just my body fucking with me as usual. Should start tomorrow. I don't know what happened out there but I'll be fine. Might take Pen up on her offer to go home though."

The girls don't push, even though Baylie really wants too. They hug her and then follow her out, Bradley still by the door. "I'm fine. Nothing happened," she reassures him.

He wraps his arm across her shoulder holding her close. "Think we should head home?"

"Yea, I think so," she sighs. She knows he won't leave her side tonight and she loves him all the more for it, even if she feels bad that he's cutting his night short. "I'm just gonna go make sure they're good in the kitchen then I'll be back. Tell Penny for me?"

"Of course." He kisses her forehead and sends her off. Baylie keeps a close eye on her as she heads for the kitchen.

"Think she's ok?" Alana asks Baylie quietly following her gaze.

"No, probably not. But she will be." She gives Alana a sad smile, both of them wishing they could make it better. Before they can voice those thoughts though a clatter in the kitchen catches their attention and they head there, Bradley hot on their heels.

"I don't know what happened. She was fine and then she swayed and she hit the floor before I could reach her," Stacie says. She helps Grace in the kitchen a lot, especially on busy nights.

"She wasn't feeling good. It's ok Stacie. We got her," Alana reassures her, Baylie and Bradley already trying to wake Grace.

"Come on beautiful. We're going to the doctor," Bradley murmurs as she starts coming too.

"I'm fine," she whines.

"Clearly you're not," Baylie says unimpressed. Grace pouts, but in the next instant, she doubles over the garbage can puking. Baylie and Alana share a look, before sharing one with Bradley. "I don't think your body is just fucking with you," Baylie says gently.

Grace wipes her eyes of the tears, as Bradley holds her against him. "Tell that to the negative test then."

"We'll go with you, but we should probably go figure out what happened since you fainted," Alana offers instead.

"Fine," she sighs. Bradley grabs her things and the four of them head out to the Bronco. They find the closest walk-in clinic and they're luckily seen right away. They run some test and draw some blood, Grace focusing on Bradley and her friends during that so she doesn't pass out again. Baylie and Alana do an awesome job of distracting her while they wait and Bradley is thankful they're there.

"Well Mrs. Bradshaw it seems you are pregnant. I would recommend making an appointment with your OB in the morning and we'll happily send all this over."

Bradley and Grace are stunned; Baylie and Alana are ecstatic. "I told you," Baylie smiles.

"Wait, it's not possible. I've still had a period."

"Sometimes that happens. We want to do an ultrasound to confirm but your doctor will be better able to explain all of this to you."

Grace grabbed Bradley's hand effectively breaking him out of his shock. He leans over and kisses her, wiping her tears as the tech sets up around them. It doesn't take long before they hear a steady heartbeat and see their baby on the screen.

"Omg it's real. I…" Grace cries harder, Baylie and Alana taking quick videos for them. Bradley rests his forehead against hers, his own silent tears falling. "It's real," he whispers.

The tech wipes her stomach off, and Bradley helps her sit up. The tech explains that she's about six months along and everything looks just fine. They get a printout and then the Dr sends them on their way. They drop the girls back off at the Hard Deck to their husband's, after Grace hugs them both tight. "Thank you for being there," she whispers to them both.

"No where else we'd rather be," they assure her. She promises to call them tomorrow after her appointment.

After that things move smoothly. She has a May due date and the baby seems perfectly healthy. The nursery comes together easily despite the couple refusing to find out if it was a boy or girl. They'd been surprised up until this point, they figured what was one more.

By March, Baby B has decided to make mama feel as large as a house. It's almost like now that the secret is out, her body has decided to show all the signs of pregnancy. The baby still measures on the smaller side, but Grace swears she feels huge. Bradley dotes on her constantly too. He loves seeing her body change with pregnancy, even if it's just little things. Their friends declare them sickly sweet, even if Jake isn't any better with Alana.

By April, Grace is counting down the days until May. She doesn't get along that great with the girl they've hired to fill in for her, but they were desperate with only her for an applicant. She just can't wait to be away from the bitch. Then Baby B likes to play soccer with her bladder, loves when Daddy talks to him or her making them more excited, and absolutely refuses to want to sleep at night unless Bradley sings. "You already have our child spoiled," Grace pouts one night when she can't get comfortable.

Bradley's rubbing her back as he softly sings with a smile on his face. "That a bad thing?" he teases.

"No," she sighs resting her hands over his on her belly.

"Think you can sleep now?" Bradley starts playing with her hair, a sure fire way to put her to sleep, as he leaves one hand on her belly. The baby seems to have settled, and Bradley's back rub left her feeling relaxed.

"Yea I think so," she yawns as she snuggles up against him.

The next day, Baylie and Alana come to the Hard Deck to hang out with her while she works on finishing the blonde bitch's training. She knows Baylie has been dying to put this girl in her place, especially after the bitch hit on Jake and Mickey the other night. What she didn't expect however was for the girl to be dumb enough to provoke Baylie using Grace and the boys as her driving points that day.

It spiraled quickly into an all out brawl, Alana and Grace standing back watching as Penny called in the boys for backup. It only took a few punches for Baylie to make her point, and then she's tossing her out of the bar, threatening her to never come back. "Mickey's gonna kill us," Grace sighs as she gets Baylie set at a table and starts cleaning her knuckles. She gets her some ice too just as the boys arrive.

"You ok?" Bradley asks her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Yea. We're ok. Though Penny doesn't have a replacement for me, and your sister has some bruised knuckles again."

Bradley sighs as he looks over Lucky's hand. "She was a straight up bitch to your wife," Baylie says unapologetically. "Someone was glossing over how bad it really was," she says with a pointed look at Grace.

"You know I can handle myself sometimes. I have learned a thing or two from you."

"Not with my niece or nephew in there though. She was walking all over you."

Grace sighs as Alana agrees with Baylie on this one. "You girls ok?" Penny asks now that blondie is out of the bar.

"Yea we're good. Although now…"

"Don't even. We'll figure it out. Stacie can probably handle it and we can always just close the kitchen some nights. It's fine."

"Don't think I haven't noticed your winces either," Alana pops up from where Jake is rubbing her back.

"I'm fine," Grace groans as Bradley instantly is on alert. His hands go to her back to start rubbing, knowing exactly where she's hurting the most. The back rub feels amazing, and she won't admit she's been hurting all morning. "I'm gonna go set up the kitchen for tonight. Need anything?" She asks them.

"I think you're taking the night off," Penny insists.

"Pen…"

"Nope. You're taking the night off Grace. You need it. We'll figure the kitchen out some other time. I made it just fine before. A few weeks for you to be off won't hurt us."

"Thank you," she sighs, hugging Penny. At the same time she feels her legs get wet. She freezes, looking down to see the floor wet. "Oh shit," she murmurs.

"Well, you are definitely off now," Penny laughs.

"Its… no. It's too early. We still have four weeks to go." They all see the panic on her face as Bradley pulls her back against her chest.

"Go. Go. We'll go get the bag from the house and meet you there," Baylie says jumping them all into action. She hugs Grace tight. "It's going to be ok. Get to the hospital and we'll meet you there."

"I'll call everybody," Penny promises. They help Grace to the Bronco, Jake and Alana insisting they drive so Bradley doesn't have to. "Well meet you there," Baylie promises.

She and Mickey go to the house using their spare key to get in. They find Grace's bag in her closest, the baby bag and carseat inside the door of the nursery. Jake speeds to the hospital, Bradley holding Grace in the backseat. He wipes her tears, rubs her back and promises her everything will be ok.

Once settled in a room, the doctor on call assures her they will do everything they can, and that thirty-six weeks is perfectly safe. They check her and she's already at five centimeters. Once she's settled, Bradley tells everybody they can filter through to visit. Baylie gets there with the bag and Grace insists she stay with them. Mav is probably the most excited and before they know it the waiting room is full.

Unfortunately Grace has the worst back labor ever but she refuses an epidural, mainly because of her fear of needles. Bradley constantly rubs her back, Baylie helps her with the breathing exercises, she walks and does everything possible to relieve the pain. Its probably a good thing her labor doesn't last long; she's only at the hospital about five hours before she feels the need to push.

Baylie is a solid rock the whole time, reminding her to breath and encourage her. Bradley was amazed at the strength of his girl, despite knowing how amazing she is. "Just a few more pushes, Grace," the doctor says.

"I can't," she cries, the pain unbearable.

Bradley grabs her face gently, wiping the tears and sweat away. "You can baby, you can. You've almost got this and then we can meet our baby. Bay and I got you. You can do this."

She gives him a shaky nod as Baylie squeezes her hand in agreement. It only takes about three more pushes before the head is out. She pants as the doctor instructs and then pushes their baby the rest of the way into the doctor's waiting hands. The baby starts crying immediately, and Grace feels immense relief. They lay the baby on her; "Congrats mommy and daddy its a girl!"

Bradley rests his head against Grace's as their tears mix as they both have hands on their baby, Baylie snapping several pictures for them. "Dad would you like to cut the cord?" They ask after a few minutes.

"Yea," he says quietly as they show him what to do. Once the cords been cut, they take the baby to get weighed, measured, and clean, Grace insisting Bradley go with her.

"I got her," Baylie promises, refusing to leave her side.

While the baby is getting cleaned up, they work on cleaning Grace up as well. Before she knows it, her baby girl is back in her arms, Bradley back at her side.

"She's five pounds two ounces and eighteen inches long," Bradley tells them.

"Our tiny girl," Grace whispers as she rubs the baby's cheek.

"I'm going to give you two a few minutes with her. Just yell when you're ready for visitors."

"Here you can show this picture," Bradley says, sending a picture of the baby girl all wrapped up after getting cleaned up. "We'll come get ya in a few," he promises.

They take a few minutes to admire their baby girl. "She's perfect," Grace whispers.

"Like her mama," Bradley smiles. She does look like Grace, but she also has some features that look like Bradley. They take about thirty minutes with her, Grace getting her to nurse a little before Bradley goes to get everybody. They bring Baylie and Mickey back first since they're the godparents, then Mav, Slider and Whiskey. After them is Jake and Alana and then everybody else that is there.

Mav cries when they tell him her name. "We named her after mom and dad," Bradley tells him as his godfather holds his grandbaby.

"They'd be so proud of you," Mav tells him softly. "She's beautiful."

Grace is exhausted by the time everybody leaves, but they FaceTime Kevin before she falls asleep. "Ready to meet your niece?" She asks as soon as Kevin answers.

The girls crowd around him making Grace smile even more. "I didn't know you had the girls," she smiles.

"Yea got them this morning. We didn't know we'd be meeting a baby today though."

"We didn't either," Bradley laughs finally coming into the screen. The girls all coo and awww over seeing the baby asleep in Bradley's arms. Grace turns the camera more so they could see the baby girl.

"Meet your niece and baby cousin, Caroline Nicole," she smiles.

"Beautiful name. Everything good?" Kevin asked.

"Yea so far. They don't see any problems with her being early."

"When can we come see her?" Sara asks her aunt.

"I think your dad has a trip planned for when you're out of school."

"But we don't wanna wait," Cara pouts.

"Sorry kiddos. Gotta finish school. It's just a couple more weeks. We fly out the day you finish," Kevin promises.

"We'll send lots of pictures between now and then and you can FaceTime anytime your dad says it's ok," Bradley promises.

"Ok," the girls sigh.

"We need to let Auntie Grace get some rest. We'll call back soon," Kevin tells them before they all say their goodbyes.

"Kev's right. Get some rest baby."

Grace lays her head on Bradley's shoulder, while he continues to hold Caroline, and promptly falls asleep. Caroline does well and they're home within a couple of days ready to start their life as a family of three now.

#my writing #bradley rooster bradshaw #bradley rooster bradshaw fic #bradley rooster bradshaw x oc #grace spicy bradshaw #spicy x roo #spicy x roo fic #baylie lucky steele #mickey fanboy garcia #jake hangman seresin #alana cinco metcalf #chaos squad #the chaos squad fics #chaos squad fics #the chaos squad

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astroboots · 6 months

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Ok, here I am getting mushy about Homecoming:

It truly does feel so homey, so safe and comfortable, and this goes beyond your magical writing to the moodboards, they’re always so so perfect and they set the mood so well and the aesthetics are wonderful and they just make me feel so warm and cozy. The atmosphere you made within this universe is truly so special to me, I wish I could live within it every day. It just screams “home” to me, like the way you describe Frankie and Santi all soft and comfortable, Santi’s longer hair and beard once he’s put down roots and realized that he doesn’t need to run anymore was such an emotional sucker punch, I loved it. The chapter about the army sweatshirt especially made me fall in love, it was so well written and made me feel so many things. I started Homecoming for the smut and I stayed for the beautiful world and relationship you created. It reminds me of laying out in the sunshine, a hot drink on the porch, reading next to someone but not needing to talk, cooking dinner in a warmly lit kitchen with the people you love, dappled sunlight, mismatched glasses collected over years, clothes so worn and loved there are holes forming, knowing who sits where without needing to speak, sentimental holiday decorations - it’s home. It’s being in love. It’s knowing that no matter how far you run, you’ll always have someone to return to.

Homecoming has been my little escape for so long, and I just wanted to thank you for creating and sharing such a masterpiece with us. I always get a physical reaction, like an actual ache in my heart whenever I read a new chapter because you’re writing and the way you convey emotions and feelings and places are so real and so perfect

Hi hon, I'm so so so sorry I took this long to answer this. I want you to know that it only took so long because i've been hoarding this message to reread over and over.

Homecoming hold a special place in my heart, and to know that you feel this strongly about it, and enjoy it and especially the moodboards, which I spend so much time on for no damn good reason except that I think they're fun to make, means the world to me.

Your description of how this world makes you feel made me develop permanent hearteyes, I'm a cartoon now. Because that's absolutely the feelings I wanted to conjure up and I love it so much thank you thank you for sharing this.

The army sweatshirt, has been one of my favorite things to write in this universe. Originally it was just meant to be a fun little smutty piece and as I wrote it, it took a life on its own and by halfway I realized oh this is going to be an emotional rollercoaster but no smut.

I'm speechless with how this message has left me and I just wanted to thank you for sending this. Work has been grueling and I've been finding myself with less and less time writing, especially as I have friends and family and other social events outside of my life that's picking up with Christmas season, and seeing this message put a big smile on my face.

#homecoming asks #💌 asks

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ghost-proofbaby · 1 year

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WELCOME TO MORDOR OH MY FREAKING CHRIST!

Ok now listen I am so in love with it, I was like, NAH I can't commit to this long chapter at 9PM and then I immediately started to read it.

And with the combination of a) the description and b) just how you started setting everything up, I was fully (and am sincerely not 100% convinced you're not gonna take it this way) of the belief that you were going to keep all of Vecna's victims alive and then just trapped in the upside down or something. Like he's sucking the psychic energy out of them. And instead of simply killing Vecna, The Party needs to save those people.

UNTIL THE ABSOLUTE LAST FUH-REAKING SCENE. Omg Vecna really did say "if I can't have Eddie then neither can you Willow so enjoy this torture of watching your buds die before I eat your soul too" (I kid, I kid. BUT WE NEVER KNOW). But the ALIBI THAT EDDIE NOW HAS BEING WITH WILLOW AND HER MOM?! Is he not gonna be on the run? OR is Chrissy's car outside of the trailer and that's the suspicion...

I love to pop my theories into these asks/reblogs. Consider me the shithead Redditor theorist for you fic writers. Or like...Tumblr MatPat. EW. So honestly sorry if I'm doing this but CANT STOP WONT STOP.

I so love to see Willow and Eddie's relationship these many months later, how perfectly in sync they are, how they really calm one another down. And if Willow didn't have all of this vecna shit affecting her, I think they would have their future hashed out by now. EDDIES LITTLE CONFESSION. Glorious.

You have done it again my lovely friend. SUCH a great intro into this rollercoaster of emotion. I can't wait to see where you take this. Congratulations on a successful introduction to Mordor. SMOOCHES FOR YOU!

it’s okay i’ll join you in all the conspiracy theories. there’s definitely many questions now, many to be answered. is vecna really in willow’s mind? is she just going crazy? is her dream really just a dream? will eddie receive any backlash as you mentioned? did chrissy even go to the trailer that night?

is vecna just showing her the deaths as a warning?

who knows! not me. psh…. not… not me

oh fuck wait yeah i do know that… damn

i think my favorite thing is the fact they are in sync. and while they act as if their future isn’t set in stone, it sort of is, is it not? they both want each other for the long run, and the finer details don’t matter much to them. college, graduation, future plans — they’re just small tedious details to be worked out. i think that’s something i wanted to emphasize so far, because it’s a defining feature of lasting love in my opinion; love is finding a person who can simply just fit in there. where ever you go, wherever you end up, they fit there.

either way, i’m always overjoyed to hear alllll the theories. especially because from here on out, there’s no accidental/throwaway details. so… go crazy and let me hear them <3

i will say, given your questions my wonderful friend, that you’re gonna enjoy chapter 2 ☺️🖤 smooches are being returned by the fistful

#thank u ily so much #asks #mordor #emphasis on no throwaway details #including the ending of shire lol #the moment i started introducing willows symptoms i started to keep score #she doesn’t follow canon timeline of his victims symptoms for a reason #it was my way of answering a small question i had about season 4 in the back of my mind #it’ll be a doozy #i think i’m too cryptic i gotta stop lol

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izanyas · 1 year

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hi ok this is gonna be really damn long i think Very sorry in advance... so i recently got into bungou stray dogs and when looking around on twitter i saw someone recommend your fics as, quote, some of the best bsd fics ever written, and in the past month i have read a LOT of them. like, probably most of them. i have a folder in my google tabs for all my favourites, some of which include "light", which inspired so much kouyou + chuuya siblings thoughts in my mind, "growing back", which was just really nice and i generally really enjoyed, and "feet over harsh ground", which actually made me lose my damn mind over how good it was, both in premise and the carry out. your writing style is AMAZING and i have no idea where you get your ideas from because every one of the fics of yours that i read was so incredibly memorable and enjoyable that i think it will be a long time before i forget any of them, and btw i still have MORE i haven't read yet but i am planning to whenever i get the chance. but recently i started reading "build upon the ruins" - and oh my GOD. its four am as i type this, and i fully finished it about twenty minutes ago. it's taken me a couple weeks to read the whole fic in full because i've been busy with work and stuff but this morning i binged the last three or so chapters and i seriously cried so hard i thought i was gonna be sick 😭 like holy shit the emotional rollercoaster that i went through reading that was SO PAINFUL yet SO GOOD.... 73.5k words that i will never fully forget because it was so gorgeously written and beautifully structured that i actually feel sad that i'm not into the same things that you're currently writing for, whatever that may be, because i'd love to read more and more of your writing literally forever and be able to feel this same feeling over and over. every time i get into a new interest and eventually start reading fanfiction, i always think i've found That One Fic Writer that's made me feel a way i'll never feel again, and i think you've seriously topped them all with build upon the ruins. to the point where i searched up your name on twitter in an attempt to see if anyone else had felt this same pain over the same fic, only to accidentally stumble upon your actual twitter - i don't know why i thought you wouldn't have one, probably because you didn't have an ao3 (if you had your twitter or tumblr linked anywhere on your fic website i didn't see it LOL) [note from after me editing this ask - you do have your socials linked i'm just a dumbass -__-]. anyway i felt the need to send this long ass ask to tell you how your writing made me feel because it was just that utterly brilliant and i seriously feel like a different person than who i was before i read your fics 😭 probably a slight exaggeration but like i said it's four am and i am incredibly emotional over that fic right now. i don't know what else to say other than something cringe like "thank you for putting your writing out there for me to stumble upon years or months or whatever after you wrote it" or something like that LMAO... sorry for all this at once but i wanted to get all my thoughts out there before i went to bed and lost the feeling of having just read a really damn good fic. anyway cheers i wish you luck in whatever you're up to now BYE

slight side note - did not know build upon the ruins was a pacific rim au until after i read the entire thing. i have never seen pacific rim. i deeply enjoyed the fic anyway and will definitely be watching that movie whenever i get the chance

ANON... I LOVE YOU... i have been staring at this message all day incapable of formulating a reply because i'm so smug happy and flustered over it afgjhdfjkfd THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! it always makes me feel warm whenever people read my old bsd fics and tell me about it, i loved writing and sharing them so much and i know that a lot of people who follow me today did so because they read them at the time!!!

and build upon the ruins is a special one for me, i went quite literally insane the second the idea for that au popped into my mind and i barely slept until i finished writing it... it's so sweet of you to say all this and to take the time to message me! especially since i am actually re-reading it myself at the moment and i intend to run an edit of it soon (just fixing grammar/style, my habits have changed since 2017 haha). it holds a very dear place in my heart!! thank u guillermo del toro for inventing drift compatibility for soukoku

thank you so much!!!

#answered

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emletish-fish · 2 years

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For me an issue I have with the Robby/Johnny plot, and it's something I've always wanted... Is Robby has never been shown to be validated in his anger towards Johnny. In fact through out the series it's shown each time he fights, Johnny saunters off, and that could have been addressed to where he needs to stick around and let Robby be angry, but really the writers are kind of saying the only way Robby can have a relationship with Johnny is to just get over everything, and suck it up? And like it would be nice to see Robby forgiving him if the writers were better at showing Johnny fighting more for him? And the only scenes we got back in LA were with Johnny, Robby and Miguel. Robby may have been messing with Johnny about the fatherly advice [which OK Miguel laughing at this made me think of Good Boy when they were teaming up on Johnny. It was beautiful], but no I want fatherly advice from Johnny to Robby. Not just him being like "I know you regret what happened with Miguel" like give him advice that has nothing to do with Miguel? Like girl advice with Tory or something, or advice on trying to get Tory and Kenny out of Cobra Kai. Like I'm happy with scenes we got, but it could have been more I think? IDK maybe I am just way too picky.

I'm in two minds here, because while I love everything we did get with Robby and Johnny this season, it does feel incomplete to me. Like there is this big elephant in the room that they still haven't really talked about.

The season on the whole was really strong on multiple fronts and it's a really crowded story-line. I really feel like they needed at least one more episode to tell the story they wanted to tell completely. There was just not enough time with any one line - however it was so fast paced and a wild ride, so it never dragged on.

But we definitely miss out on a lot of Robby's story, and important moments are left off-screen and to be inferred. In some ways, making quick work of Robby, Miguel and Hawk becoming a bit of a brotp so we could get to the fun 'everybody working together' bits was good. - but I still would have really liked to seem some of those conversations.

He doesn't get much emotional catharsis or validation this season. He does a lot of making amends and trying to help others, which is great and very on-brand and I love it for him, and I actually really enjoyed him and Miguel finally using their words and realising how similar they are and him coming round to elevate Daniel out of his pit of self-loathing - there is a lot of great stuff but... We don't get to see enough of people elevating him in return. It does feel a lot like Robby has pushed down his issues rather than really dealing with them - which isn't great.

I get that this season was a rollercoaster, I really wanted to see more of Johnny really focusing on Robby and it would have been much more emotionally satisfying for me than then main plot-line we did get. I wish the narrative energy spent on karate-baby had instead been spent on Johnny and Robby and leaning into the found family vibes.

But I think I'm going to make a separate post about how I would have handled it differently.

#Emletish Answers #Cobra Kai season 5 spoilers

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the-gift-of-submission · 1 year

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Inside a Submissives Soul -

Dear Diary -

The weekend before move in day we spent locally. Time to relax and mooch about whilst we walk around talking about any moving plans and planning for the future. We both want this, need this, we both would like to explore and share life together to it's full potential. Not just as DS couple, although that was our primary baseline in seeing eachother way in the beginning, but as a couple, fully committed, companions, partners, lovers and a DS couple too. It will take some time and that's ok, our connection is a unique and special one. Despite the worries and concerns I've had and still do have from time to time - I just need the occasional reminding reassurance, I am ready for this more than ever. Moving day comes just a few days after the weekend and it is only as stressful as I make it, cleaning and tidying the house, organising the space, moving bits in with him. I am experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, I just want it to be perfect for him. He is constantly reassuring me, as I am him, we manage to get things sorted to be the best of our ability and everything is else will fall into place bit by bit as we settle in together.

Fast forward to now, we have been living together almost 6 months, which I intend for us us celebrate. Although it seems we have been together longer it is still technically early days. He makes me so incredibly happy, he is my everything, my all. We have done so much in the way of making the house our home, it is only temporary so it will do what it is meant for for the time being, as well as being out and about. We have spent time a great deal of with his parents, they are amazing, alittle time with my family, shopping, dinner out, nights out, time away in Scotland, the East Coast and other various place, a couple of concerts and general time together etc. It has been wonderful. We spend nearly all our time together apart from being at work and sometimes life has other callings upon us, generally we are in eachothers company. He is always doing something if we aren't doing anything inparticular. He cooks, he cleans, he does washing, the DIY, making things from scratch or recycling. He is currently making me a jewellery box, he has spent weeks to months now working on it, I have said, it will be perfect for my collars, it is something special that he has made for me. He is making a chain harness for me to wear, he helps me arrange my outfits, adds to them, assists with getting myself into them, and out obviously. He is so very helpful, so very thoughtful. He tries to spoil me, he does to be fair but I am resistant much of the time to him spending money on me. I understand why he does it, I just struggle with it for many different reasons. All in all he is simply just perfect. My love for him goes much deeper than that though, I must stress this. It is soul deep, something within the connection we have. That something is so very, very uniquely special. So very much.

Our first Christmas together was tough, for me it was just that it was our first and again, I wanted things to be perfect for him. It was much harder for him, so many memories for him, a really tough time of year. I know this will possibly always be the case and that is OK because I will endeavour to be here and support him through it all in any way I can. In any way he will let me. He is difficult to buy for and as much as I'd like to spoil him with gifts it was difficult to as a result of him not wanting or needing much of things. He has said if anything, buy experiences and so I found an experience and he said that would be a good gift - The Rock Orchestra by Candlelight - we really enjoyed it too. I can't wait to buy many more experiences for him and some for us to share. I enjoy all my time with him, I hope he feels the same way, he is often adamant that he enjoys his time with me, that he is happy with me. He spoilt me despite me asking him not to, he got me something very special which I wear alot, a few things actually but this piece tells a story, a pandora bracelet with various charms, the stars, the sun, the moon and things I love - pawprints for my cat companions, a bear for my hometown and a couple of random nerdy space things - the death star, the rebels logo. A couple of charms with stars, he has called me his star on a number of occasions, a charm with the sun, moon and more stars, alittle piece of the universe, our universe. Most of all, charms that say 'I Love You' and 'Love You Most', 'Love You More'. A story of love, the love he has for me, a story of him wanting everything with me, an ongoing story, our story. I will keep this close to my heart and soul forever. He also gave me a silver necklace, I wear this often too. I also have been given many collars for play as well as the one he made me - my first, my last, my comfort, my unique most favourite piece. I can't recall if I mentioned this previously but he also gave me a ring, a belated birthday gift that I wear permanently. It is a collar ring, a thick silver band with an Oring on it. It symbolises the commitment and love of our D/S relationship as well as our relationship as a whole. I love it deeply, just like I do him.

I tried to make his birthday as special as possible, he doesn't like fuss, neither do I but it is important that I do fuss alittle, or should I say, alot! His parents came down for the weekend, we went out for dinner, it was really lovely, I do enjoy spending time with them too. We recently went up to Scotland to spend a couple of nights with them whilst they were having a break up there to celebrate their birthdays and anniversary. I really love it up there, it feels like home. Back to his birthday, I had some Star Trek comms badges made for him and put in a frame by someone who is very talented over in Ireland. We both really like the Star Trek franchise and these were all I could think of at the time, he isn't the easiest to buy for and I wasn't sure what experiences were around at the time. A couple of days before I gave him something special I had custom made in America and shipped here. Within a week of moving in, the van was broken into and mainly tools were stolen and various bits and pieces, most of it was replacable but still upsetting. The worst of what was taken was the safe and in there was his passport and his two sentimental jewellery pieces, the silver engraved heart and the silver necklace with the bound human figurine dangling from her foot. I can't imagine how he must have felt, it was incredibly special for him, I felt heartbroken that it was taken from him and I felt responsible in some for it. I have and keep hunting for it online hoping one day it may show up and I can get it back, it's a long shot but I will always hope. So I went online and contacted a few various jewellery makers about the piece I wanted to have made for him and I found one. This wasn't about cost or about replacing, it was about showing and giving him that sentimental piece of mind again, how special his piece was, still is. What it represents is powerful or at least it is supposed to be. The piece came over, she turned out beautifully, I couldn't wait another 3 days till his birthday, it had been long enough already. She is silver, bound with rope and dangling by her foot, she is the evolutionary version of herself, for him, for his heart and soul. I think he was happy with it, a few tears and smiles. I think I did something good for him, I really hope I did.

Amongst all the good days, we have had some rough days, I'd say we have had arguments - disagreements and I guess you could call them that but not like the classic 'having ago' at eachother. More than anything it is the adjustment and figuring things out, figuring eachother out. The past haunts us from time and time, I just want to make him happy, to make him feel wanted, needed, desired and loved because he really is wanted, needed, desired and loved. It can be difficult to find the balance so it isn't too much and it isn't too little. I'm a needy person and I don't want to ever be overbearing or difficult in any way. If we need to, if we need to address things, he has me sit staddling him on the sofa, laying over eachother, laying side by side on the bed, stood face to face to talk. This is really important, it should be I every relationship but we will make sure we do this in ours. As long as we are as eachothers arms to go through things, we can get through it. The touch of one another grounds us, we are very affectionate towards eachother, there are snuggles, cuddles and kisses, there is always physical contact with eachother. That alone is immensely important for us both.

My mental health has become an issue to the point I have had to take a break from work and I have had to resort to medication. I feel so defeated, I feel like an absolute failure. I said I wouldn't go on medication and I've had to. I have breakdowns - meltdowns over alsorts, my head overloads, spins, my thoughts race and I become overwhelmed. I have panic attacks, moments of complete despair and turmoil, I want to hurt myself, I want the pain to stop and leave me. There have been times he has had to support me through this, sometimes gently, sometimes harshly, regardless, he is here, supporting me. He often tells me he is has his big hairy chest for me to cry on, that's what it was made for. My doctor says I've had some huge changes to my life and even though I have physically implemented them, the mental and emotional parts of me haven't caught up yet and I have taken on more than I realise, I have put more pressure on myself than I first thought. I lost all motivation, I don't want to do anything, I am tired all the time, teary, angry at myself, I feel like I'm always cranky and mean towards him, I hate my body and the way I feel. I am just a mess all the damn time. I think the medication has taken effect in some way but I now may have to up the dosage, I really don't want to, I just want to snap myself out of this. I started in the past couple of months, getting back to exercise 5 days a week, pole practice and pilates mainly, sometimes additionally using the rowing machine and trying to get 5k-10k steps per day. I feel better for doing it, I really need to keep at it, I am working hard to keep going. I am working hard to get better. I am slowly getting back into work, hoping it lasts, we will see I guess. He is ways supporting me, constantly giving me praise, compliments and encouragement. He does his upmost to take care of me. He helps me with so much, from things in general even when I don't ask for it or feel I can't, if a break and need to be kept safe he will hold his close to him for ask long as it takes or times before I reach crisis point and I'm overloaded and just need to move away from everything, he guides me. He supports me unconditionally. I just need to believe I am attractive, that I am enough, that I am worthy. I believe in him, I just need to believe it in all, as in life, for him and most of all, for myself.

He is back working after taking a break for a few months and seems happier in himself now he is, however not so much who he is working for and how the operate. He will find what he needs and wants in the near future, I know he will, he is excellent in what he does, he has a brilliant mind and shows such dedication. I know it was bothering him not being able to 'provide', that's not something I allow but it is something he will do anyway whether I like it or not. I like to contribute, pay my way, provide and be independent as well. He knows this and we work together in respecting eachothers feelings on this, we still have a lot to learn from eachother, respect and support in this area. We know we can both have whatever of our own but make our best efforts to share everything we can. He is often having to reassure me and remind me it is 'us', not him and I, we are a couple, partners, lovers, we are a team, we are building a future together. He often tells me I need to talk to him about everything, all of it. I try, I don't know how I'm supposed to talk about what goes on in my head, I don't want to cause problems because I can't think straight and/or rationalise things from one day to the next. I say everything in my head, full blown conversations but I think the worst and in the end in freeze up and can't find the words because I'm terrified I may say something wrong. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. I've said and done too much previously when everything was turned upside down, inside out and I thought I had lost him forever when after all this time we had finally met and the chemstry, the connection, the bond was instantaneous. The smallest of things, one tiny thought can explode, sending my head into a spin and I spiral down into alsorts of a mess. I am working hard to become a better version of me, I'm still not 100% sure what and who I I supposed to be, to become. All I know is I just want to be better. The things that I talk about here is but a fraction of everything, there is so much I could talk about, this is as alround of everything as I can get in a manner of speaking. And as much as I talk about the negative, there is so much positive. We both say, "Even when I'm not ok, you make me ok, I am OK when I am with you". It is so very true. The positive is a dream come true, the way we talk, the way we laugh, smile, even cry. The way we spend time together, whether that's cooking, shopping or whatever else in general. The way we snuggle, hug and kiss, the way we are emotionally intimate and physically intimate. He sets my insides alight, the burn is scoldingly hot, the shine is blindly bright, he makes my soul dance. I can feel my body pulsating and continously yearning for him even when he is right there. His presence makes me weak at the knees, he doesn't even have to touch me for my insides to tingle, then just one look, just one breath of his upon my skin and my soul is on fire, it radiates through every single atom and fiber of my being. He touches every part of me without touching me, the very core of me belongs to him, all of me is his. He says to me often, when I am in his arms, "Mine". I respond, "Yours". He will then pause for a moment and say "Yours", I respond, "Mine". He tells me often, "You are my reason", I respond, "As you are mine". The way he is with me, the way he is as an individual, all of him makes me see life, feel life in a way I have never seen and felt it all before. I am happy, happiest with him, so very much so.

The hardest part of all this I feel is me, the mess that I am. Over a year ago, we met after 10 years of messaging on and off and it came the time for me to finally explore B.D.S.M, I had suppressed in myself for so long, it has been long enough. We started exploring, my journey began with him only to suddenly stop. He saved my life only for me to feel like it was ending all over again. Despite the anger, hurt and pain, I said and did awful things, I wanted him back but more than anything I wanted to support him through the god awful time he was going through. He is still recovering and will for sometime, maybe forever and I will stand by his side in every capacity I am able for as long as he will allow me to. Not only did he come back to guide me through on my exploration of B.D.S.M. He came back to me, to be with me permanently, to travel on a journey we will now share together for the rest of our lives. The one I trust, the one I love, the one I want and will give my submission to. I am his, he is mine, we belong to one another. We are not a him and I, we are a 'we', we are us. He is incredible, he is wonderfully amazing, he is my all. Everything I wanted, I needed, I desired with him is right here infront of me, it's happening, we are doing this. So why am I such a mess? Why am I so unbalanced? The past doesn't matter, the future doesn't matter, I have to live in the present. As always, it is small steps and one step at a time... He is my partner, my Mr, my lover, my Sir... He is my always and forever... He is my happy ever after... Finally, it is our time... Now is our time...

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dimiclaudeblaigan · 1 year

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Tbh I'm kinda surprised to read that so many people seem to think of Engage as a better entry than 3H in general. The most comments/reviews I saw were praising the gameplay but were often not so fond of the story and/or the characters, and many think it's a step down from 3H. IMO both games have their flaws, different ones at that. I'm not sure if you can even compare them that much bc I feel they focus on different things, with Engage more leaning towards combat and 3H more an storytelling [1]

[2] and lore. It certainly has more touching moments, especially AM was a real rollercoaster of emotions in part II. That being said I don't think the story or characters in Engage aren't nearly as bad as many make them out to be. It has some anime-cliche moments, is sometimes chaotic and feels a little rushed at some points. It's not mind-blowing or anything new, but it's ok. I do like that Alear is not the typical confident hero, though. Gameplay-wise I like both games but I do prefer the

[3] variety of maps in Engage. Overall I think they are both good games, even if I think Engage won't be as popular in fanworks as 3H still is, or at least not that long. But... even though it's completely off topic... the biggest surprise for me was how popular Griss, at least on AO3, compared to other characters. Wtf? lol but to each their own I guess :) Do you have any favorites or even ships from this game?

I think it's because a lot of reviews are explicitly interested in gameplay over story/characters. Usually it's the diehard fans who regularly post about FE content who have mixed feelings on it that are different between gameplay/story. I've definitely seen some fans talk about not enjoying the story as much as Houses', and those reviews who balance their reviews on gameplay/story seem to always be the ones YT regularly recommends to me since they post about FE so often.

Personally I don't think even the gameplay is extremely comparable because they have vastly different combat concepts. Generally I'd say the two games come down to personal preference. I don't think Engage's gameplay is particularly bad so much as it just isn't as fun for me. It's definitely a bit convoluted though, but so was Houses' (like, I rarely used gambits or battalions because of all the menus and I did just fine in gameplay without paying much attention to those).

Both of them honestly just also have too much to do outside of the main content. It's fine not to have it be totally linear, but it's not an experience like Fates where you get some bonuses really quick and get to take a break from the maps. In PoR you get a break and get to manage your units and go through conversations separate from supports and it's a really simple few menus that are easy to get through every chapter. Houses and Engage both have way too much going on outside of main battles and that exhausted me pretty fast. Too much to do, too many menus, too much going on in the maps... All that extra stuff is tiring for me and I just play the games very simply lol. Neither was better than the other for me, honestly.

The characters are a bit bland sometimes, but they're not like, horrendous lol. Some reviews seem to insist they're like, the worst thing FE has ever done with its characters. It wasn't that bad, but I do get bored of them sometimes (mainly because all their conversations have to do with the same things and you don't really learn much about the characters from them).

But then, like I've said before, as a hardcore AM fan, Sylvain and Felix were better in their supports than in the main story because they had a similar problem in the main story. All their lines were the same old stuff and it was tiring that they were clearly better characters than the main story dialogue would give them credit for. Houses definitely had a bit of a similar problem. Bernadetta and Marianne were also pretty one-note characters, though Marianne progressed a bit. Raphael was also very one note, and so was Caspar. See what I mean lol, Engage didn't start this trend. Houses, Fates and Awakening had similar problems, where most of its cast didn't have much depth.

I think Alear didn't have much of an effect on me because FE4 is my favorite game and FE5 is my fourth favorite, and both those games had lords with an extreme lack of confidence. FE5 forget it, my poor baby boy literally locked himself in a room because of a "bad decision" (i hate you august and you were dragon dad's biggest mistake im sorry dragon dad but it's true) that got someone killed and needed a whole paragraphs-long pep talk. He's my favorite lord next to Ike and Dimitri, because they're very outside of the traditional super kind, let's save everyone and be nice people forever, type of lord. They're all angry, revenge driven people, and also people who refuse to accept any kind of injustice and don't accept bullshit. They're very kind, but equally balanced imo. It's not like Marth who is just waaay too far on the sliding scale of kindness lol. Ike would feed a hungry homeless person (he did, canonically, pre-story and during the story) while stabbing some villain at the same exact time and being like 🤷 well you were a piece of shit. Good for my favorite lords because they'd all do that LOL. My scared baby boy will stab you in FE5, but in FE4 his promoted class allows him to wield all weapons in the game except holy weapons and dark magic, so he's a good contender for "do not piss off". :D

I'm probably the only person willing to defend the maps in Houses lol. Since it's a story from different perspectives but it's the same story, it makes sense to reuse the maps. Some of them are unique depending on if you visit that location in another route or not, but if the characters have to visit a certain location in the story, you get the same map so I don't actually mind that. It's not like FE8 where the split routes led the main characters on different paths to reunite (again lol), but a story that has the characters going through the same outlets to reach their destinations.

Somehow I'm not surprised by Griss being super popular since it's one of those whacky unexpected fandom things lol. He's unique at least, and I guess people probably find him very funny. Wouldn't be surprised if it's like a me-and-Jarod thing lol.

My favorite character overall is Alfred, and good for him for staying my favorite from his first trailer appearance to the end of the whole game lol. ALSO good for him for having the only one of two explicitly romantic endings, and you could even argue Kagetsu uses a lot of romantic terminology on the regular anyway so it comes off as more normal for him, versus having a character who isn't normally like that just toss platonic love out the window immediately and being the only one to do it!

Other than him I guess I'd say Diamant and Ivy are my other favorites, and Jean, Yunaka and Panette are below them. Good for Engage for giving me favorites who are equally male and female lol, usually my favorites are all male because the writing for women in fictional media generally just sucks.

Am I the only one who would consider Jean a favorite? Probably lol, nobody seems to like him. Poor boy.

Ships I'd say are Diamant/Alfred as my top one, Alfred/Alear as my equally top one (really I think it's the player pandering that might put it below Diamant/Alfred? It'd be a LOT cuter if it wasn't so player-directed), then some assorted ones would be Diamant/Ivy, a little bit Fogado/Yunaka, and a tiiiny bit Louis/Chloe. ...Oh also Emblem DimiClaude. >:D You weren't getting out of that one!

#DCB Ask

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alexsfictionaddiction · 2 years

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Review: The Dead Romantics by Ashley Poston

I love Ashley Poston’s nerdy YA books, so I was delighted to learn that she’d written an adult novel and even more excited when I read the synopsis. Thankfully, it more than lives up to the promising impression it gave and I can’t wait to see what she releases next!

Florence Day is a ghostwriter for prolific romance author Ann Nichols but very few people know that. She also has a very special gift that she shares with her father -they can both see ghosts. Her first meeting with her new editor -handsome Benji- isn’t exactly a success as he refuses to grant Ann an extension on her deadline and he doesn’t seem to be in on the whole ghostwriting secret. But when her father dies, Florence is called back to her hometown and her family’s funeral parlour business. That’s where she sees a ghost with a familiar handsome face, who has no idea why he’s there.

Florence has lost all faith in the existence of true love, which is why she is struggling to write the upcoming Ann Nichols novel. To her, romance is dead and she’s very reluctant to let it back into her life in any way. I loved watching her soften and realise that love can be found in the most unexpected places and that it comes to you when you need it the most. Poston’s snarky, witty voice is the perfect match for Florence and she was so easy to laugh and cry with.

Benji is a very polished, seemingly serious kind of guy and although he was undeniably hot, I wondered whether he was a good idea for Florence. As the story developed and I saw them together more, I got on board with them and couldn’t help but smile during their cute moments. I endured a rollercoaster of emotions, as I tried to figure out whether we’d get a happy ending or not. The humour and style of the writing suggested we would but I’ve found that you can never really be sure of these things -even in love stories!

There is a rather cynical look into the publishing industry too. As someone who has worked at a big publishing house, I can certainly say that the above sentiment is true. However, amongst the Perspex walls, floor-to-ceiling windows and burntout, often hungover, staff, one thing endures -a love of books. I really think Poston captures this perfectly in the few scenes set in a publishing office.

Florence enjoyed a really lovely, close relationship with her dad and a large part of that was due to their shared gift, which the rest of the family don’t have. There are some beautiful ideas about life after death and how those who came before us are always here somewhere. It’s so hopeful and becomes even more poignant after Florence’s dad’s death.

The romance in The Dead Romantics is just so heartwarming and refreshing. Watching the love story develop was one of my favourite things about the reading experience because it happened in such a natural, believable way. Florence and Benji got to know each other’s souls and there is no deeper way to know and love someone than that. It really is everlasting and exactly the kind of love I wish was in every book!

The Dead Romantics is a funny, uplifting book that is perfect for curling up with this autumn. All of the characters are great fun to be around and my desperation for things to be OK meant that I couldn’t put it down. If you love books about books, true love and rediscovering hope with a supernatural element, you’re all set with this one!

#the dead romantics #ashley poston #rom-com #romance #book review #review #books #bookworm

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justkending · 2 years

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Everest. Chapter 2.

Series Summary: She was done and retired. After Thanos and after the battle of a lifetime, she had called it quits and had distanced herself from the Avenger lifestyle. But word finds her that someone from her past is in danger. What the journey entails was never one she wanted to face nor one she saw becoming her reality again. The rollercoaster that comes with fighting evil odds arrives on her doorstep not leaving much room for a no…

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 6700+

A/N: OK, this is a long and detailed one. I wrote it and reread it multiple times, thinking I fulfilled writing in a way that you all could understand her background, but IF I’M WRONG ABOUT THAT, please let me know. I will gladly sum it up more if you would like! Anyway, enjoy and let me know what you think:)

Chapter 2:

In hopes of luring her out of her room she hadn't left since their meeting, Sam and Steve decided to make one of her comfort meals.

"You really think this is going to entice her enough to ignore the pure rage I'm almost positive is coursing through her veins? She does have veins like a normal person, right?" Bucky asked the last part as another attempt to understand her better.

Sam and Steve passed each other as they moved around the kitchen, focusing on their individual dishes to present to the popular guest.

"Yes, she has a normal vascular system like us," Steve chuckled, shredding a chicken breast still steaming from its time in the oven.

Noted, Bucky hummed. "What about the first question?"

"It's worth a shot," Steve shrugged, moving to grab a new fork after bending the other from pushing down so hard.

"You're fork-wielding skills are telling me otherwise," Bucky watched as his friend nervously continued his task and tried to relieve some of the tension from his grasp.

"Even if she doesn't come out, I'll hand deliver it to her door," Sam spoke up, shaking his head as he worked on the rice portion of the dish. "She's going to catch up with me and tell me what the hell her problem is, whether she likes it or not."

"A little aggressive, don't you think?" Bucky asked, raising an eyebrow. Sam had always been a patient soul and was not one to overstep others' boundaries when it came to emotions.

"She marches in here with fire for hair like Hades, and all I get is a few words. It's been three years since I've seen her, and I didn't even get a hello," he huffed, and everyone in the room could tell it was more under the surface than just that.

"You've been to her house?" Steve asked, pausing his chicken shredding and looking confused.

"No," Sam shook his head, knowing he hadn't told any of his team that he'd been keeping up with her, but also not defensive about it. "We would meet for coffee and sometimes dinner. She would reach out to me once because she knew when I was on a mission nearby- her powers and whatnot. But she stopped reaching out three years ago."

Steve didn't question anymore and nodded in sympathy to his friend.

"You guys were pretty close, huh?" Bucky said in hopes it would spark conversation with the new guest. "The whole team?"

Sam and Steve shared a look before a mischievous grin appeared on both their faces.

"Why? You looking to get close to?" Sam sneered; his previous frustrations quickly turned to teasing at Bucky's question.

"Shut up."

"You probably have a lot of questions," Steve interrupted what he knew would turn into one of their arguments. "You haven't got the best display of who she really is the last few times you've met her."

"Still mad I wasn't there for the original meeting," Sam muttered, but Bucky ignored him and focused on Steve.

"Can you elaborate on her powers? Some weird things have happened, and I can't quite dissect them-"

Sam's loud and boisterous laugh cut him off, and Steve let out a hefty sigh.

"You want to educate him, or do you want me to?" Sam smirked.

"It's more complex than what Bruce and I bullet noted on the mission, and I'm sure I'll butcher it if I attempted to tell you," Steve shook his head, throwing the now-finished chicken into a bowl, and Sam added a few more seasonings.

"I've got nothing but time," Bucky shrugged, trying to be nonchalant, but inside, he was eager to have something to relate back to Y/N finally.

"Maybe we should let him figure it out himself," Sam shrugged.

"You're an ass," Bucky groaned.

"I'm trying to cook a meal to lure her out of her lair. I can't give him a history lesson as in-depth as Y/N's," Sam said to Steve.

Steve nodded in understanding and moved to wash his hands before giving Bucky a little more information on the retired Avenger.

"To keep it simple so I don't screw it up too bad, Y/N draws her energy from the earth's core. Banner said she manipulates Earth's energy which is true, but it's a whole 500-page paper on what that truly means. The majority of it has to do with her background and her origin story," Steve grabbed a towel and wiped his hands as he shrugged, checking his surroundings for a new task. "But I think you should really ask her yourself. I know she's all stressed out about this mission that came up, one I'm intrigued by myself, but maybe some small talk about something other than that will be good for her."

Bucky didn't see it, but Sam's mischievous smile was growing as he put together the broth and other ingredients for their soup dish.

"I doubt she wants to talk to me," Bucky shook his head. "She's clearly not in the mood to talk, let alone with a stranger who showed up in the privacy of her home she's hidden away in for years."

"Wouldn't hurt to ask," he shrugged, moving to the loaf of bread he was preparing for the oven.

"And if it does hurt to ask, lucky it's you and not me," Sam laughed in a single breath.

"I once again state you're an ass," Bucky pointed at the other man with a judging finger. Sam rolled his eyes but continued cooking. "She's been on a rampage ever since we showed up to her house unexpectedly. What makes you think she'll want to give me her life story since I've only been there when shitty things happen to her?"

"She's scared, Buck. This girl, whoever she is, means a lot to her. I can say I know what it feels like to mourn someone after seeing them die and then find out they're alive and being used as a weapon and experiment. It's actually really specific of a thing to relate to," Steve shook his head. "Either way, something normal right now that isn't hyper-focused on the bad is most likely going to be welcomed."

He hadn't thought about it like that. Y/N was in the same position Steve had been in, and Bucky was another version of the girl she was looking for.

"And what if you're wrong?" Bucky questioned.

"Then I'll try my best to explain to you her background without botching it," Steve nodded.

Sam's phone started ringing loudly, and he put the spatula in his hand down.

"Wilson," he answered. "Right now?... Uh, yeah. I'll be there in 20. Get the jet set up."

After a few more seconds of head nods and yes and no's, he hung up the phone and took a long breath.

"I'm going to guess a surprise mission?" Steve said, already taking over the meal.

"Unfortunately," he sighed, typing something into his phone. "Hopefully, it'll be 24 hours max. I gotta pack. You got it from here?" he questioned as he walked out backward.

"I'll make sure he doesn't burn down the kitchen," Bucky moved around the counter, taking over Sam's position without hesitation.

"Barnes, for a better chance at that history lesson, I suggest knocking on her door with that peace offering," he motioned to the food. Bucky nodded and waved him on as he stirred that pot. "And Steve, see if you can keep her here longer than one night. I really do need to talk to her."

"I'll duct tape her to a chair if I need to," Steve nodded with a smile.

Sam laughed and waved in acknowledgment before leaving.

Steve and Bucky finished cooking and sat down to eat after informing all the current teammates in the building it was ready. The only people that the smell lured out were Tony, Banner, and Parker, who were here to discuss a project with Tony.

After the meal, everyone went on to their own personal errands and tasks. The group of geniuses went back to the lab, and Steve went to make a call to Nat and Clint to check in on their current mission.

With a bowl of leftovers in hand, still hot and fresh, Bucky decided he's give Sam's advice a go and use it as a peace offering. And what better peace offering than a bowl of carbs?

He carefully placed a decent serving into a bowl and tried to make it as perfectly plated as possible. He even used fresh parsley from the fridge as a garnish. Grabbing a water bottle, he took a deep breath before heading to the room.

As soon as he stepped in front of the door, a mix of emotions that weren't his own hit him.

He hesitantly knocked and waited for a sound, but it was tranquil on the other side. He knocked again, a touch louder, and waited—still nothing.

He furrowed his brow and studied the door. With his enhancements, he could usually hear shuffling and, honestly, even breathing, but all he was getting was dead silence.

Before he could further investigate, someone cleared their throat behind him. How someone snuck up on him, he wasn't sure, but they accomplished making him jump more than anyone had managed in years.

"Whatcha doing?" she said with a sly smile, knowing she had done the impossible by scaring the Winter Soldier. He looked at the door and then back at her in confusion, trying to lower his heartbeat. "Didn't mean to scare ya, Sarge."

He shook his head in an attempt to convince them both that he wasn't caught off guard in the slightest, even though she could tell he was lying.

"We made dinner," he said after she peered at the bowl in his hands. She moved around him and placed a hand on the doorknob as she watched him squirm nervously. "Wanted to make sure you got something to eat tonight."

She looked at him and then at the bowl while standing in the doorway. She took note of the water bottle tucked under his arm and the fork already in the bowl. He came prepared.

"Is it vegetarian?" she asked, looking back at him.

He glanced at it and winced internally, knowing chicken was in it.

"No..." he drug out.

She smiled a touch and shrugged before taking the bowl and turning back into her room. After going in, she didn't turn to slam the door in his face or ask him to leave, so he took the win.

A weird energy surrounded the doorway. As she walked further into her room, she noticed he was analyzing the feeling and looking for a sign of something like plastic wrap that would smack him if he took a step forward.

"I don't have a trip wire set up, I promise," she chuckled with a mouthful of rice and chicken and her back toward him as she moved some papers on her bed to the side.

He hesitated briefly but brought one foot over the threshold to test the boundary. When no alarms sounded, shock treatment or some mystical force KOed him, he made a few more steps forward in relief.

"That water for me?" she asked, once again without looking at him. After a few seconds of silence, Y/N could feel the tension in the poor soldier's body from the other side of the room. So she smiled sweetly and carefully approached him. "I promise whatever they told you about me, I won't hex you. That's special treatment for specific people I'm annoyed by," she winked as he handed her the bottle. "I did invite you in, so you're already a step ahead of the game from a lot of the other people here."

He could hear there was more to the simple sentence but instead asked the first question on his mind.

"I haven't annoyed you yet?" he asked, like a shy kid used to getting left out of the fun. Not that being on her bad side was fun, but his friends did have more of a backstory with her than he did, so he wasn't sure where he stood with her.

"Why would you have?" she mumbled after taking a bite full of food and moving to the couch.

"I mean, our first meeting wasn't an ideal way to meet someone given the circumstances," Bucky argued, watching her as she tucked her legs under her and leaned on the armrest, continuing the meal.

Bucky's attention went to the vast differences between her temporary living space and the cottage they were discussing.

The room wasn't as lively as her home. Her bedding and color scheme were warm and retro-styled. A few empty vases, minor decorations, and a bookshelf still filled with things made it look like a guest room slightly personalized by the person who lived there before.

But there weren't any plants or any form of life besides the two bodies in it. Not living here for over five years would make it a pointless room to add plants.

"I don't blame you for that," she shook her head, bringing his attention back to his concern. "I mean, if I did, the spell I put on the doorway would have laid you unconscious on the other side," she shrugged, nonchalantly pointing to the door with her fork before scooping another mouthful.

"What?" he asked in a slightly higher-pitched voice, looking at the entrance and then back to her with bewildered eyes.

"That weird energy that you felt, kinda like a force field? Magic," she wiggled her fingers for extra effect but smiled softly. "Also, I apologize if you felt some stress. It's harder to keep it reeled in when I'm tired."

Bucky nodded, not sure what to say or follow with. His nerves weren't going away, and she could tell.

"You didn't come here just to drop off food, though, did you?" He looked right past her at the TV sitting in the corner, and his body tensed. "You're radiating nerves and curiosity."

"I-" he started, putting his hands in his pockets but not really knowing where the sentence was going.

"You're freaking out. It happens a lot when people learn about me from others," she shrugged, standing up and moving to him. He froze at her movement, and before he could figure out what she was doing, she placed a hand on his shoulder.

A feeling of peace, relief, and comfort washed over his body at the touch. It was overwhelming but in a good way. He had never felt this type of relief. At least not in the last 80 years... It was so soothing that he let out a long and pent-up breath of air, and for the first time in a very long time, his body released all the tension.

"Whoa, that was a lot," she said, letting out a deep breath herself. "You should look into meditation or yoga with that kind of pent-up tensity."

"How did you-" he asked, out of breath from the sudden change in energy.

"They didn't tell you much, did they?" she chuckled, moving to the couch and grabbing a blanket as she got comfortable. Her mostly finished bowl of food was put to the side. "This group loves telling a good story, but it sounds like they were leaving room for me to tell it this time around." Once she was situated, she looked at Bucky, who was still trying to adjust from the magic of not feeling almost a century's worth of stress weighing on his shoulders. "You should sit. High amounts of energy shifting is a lot on a person. Including the shifter."

Bucky stared at her blankly, completely oblivious to what she was saying. She smiled at his expression of dumbstruck amazement and motioned to the seat.

Slowly, he moved to take her offer. With the feeling of relief coursing through his body, sitting down sounded nice, and with how heavy his body felt now, he crumbled in the seat.

"Ask any question," she sighed, laying her head back in a casual manner. "A distraction would be nice from the real world," she mumbled, exactly what Steve predicted. "One thing, though," she pointed, rolling her head to him. "For every question, I counter with one of my own."

If she had asked the man who came in, he would have been apprehensive, but now, with not a drop of anxiety or stress in his body, he could make that deal.

He nodded in agreement, rested both arms on the armrest, and looked at his hands as if they were floating when he moved them. "The obvious first question is, what just happened to me?" he pointed back with his thumb lazily to the space where he had changed to a new man.

The slightest chuckle escaped her lips as she laid her head on the back of the couch and closed her eyes. Exhaustion was evident in her posture as well.

"Energy shifting. My powers are, to put it extremely simple, the manipulation of energy. Humans and practically everything on earth are made up of pure energy, constantly shifting and being manipulated by others around it, so I take advantage of being able to see and feel it and shift it how I please," she answered. "As for what just happened to you, I deviated your aura. You were riddled with a copious amount of anxiety," she emphasized, the word that barely scratched the surface of just how ridden with stress Bucky was. "I just evened it out with the energy around us and redirected the vibrations to a lower frequency."

He gave her a lost look.

When she didn't hear from him after a moment, she peeked at him and smiled before closing her eyes again.

"It's hard to explain something no one else feels or sees," she sighed with a lazy shrug. "You know how matter exists, but we can't really see it? Like atoms. Everything bounces off each other constantly, and we feel it in temperature or see it in changes in color. That's the bare minimum for the human eye. Mine are more trained and sensitive to the changes."

"You can see energy and matter?" he asked, sitting up a little more as he added her explanations together.

"One way to sum it up," she hummed. "A lot of humans can actually do it but don't really know how to hone the skill." She could feel his interest in the subject grow. "Everyone has an aura—colorful energy signifying their emotions, vibrations, and mood most of the time. Again, you don't really have to be a mutant to have the power. There are a lot of witches and spiritual beings out there that can do it as well. My situation just makes it a normal day-to-day part of my life."

"So when you said our energy was off when we visited you, you were reading our auras?" Bucky ran his hand through his beard. Each note she gave him added to his growing knowledge of her.

"Oh, yeah. I sometimes forget people don't know those little details about me, and I tend to talk about them like they're normal conversational pieces. Living as long as me, it becomes boring information to retell after so long," she nodded, sitting up some in her spot more but still in a relaxed position.

Bucky blinked quickly before sinking into the chair more. The feeling of ease was still fizzing throughout his body, but his intrigue was expanding.

"Ok, that's four questions; now my turn," she winked, sitting back up some. "How are you liking it here?"

He paused, deciding on his answer. "Um, fine. It's nice here."

She didn't answer right away as she was giving him time to add to his answer or reconsider the truth.

When he didn't, "Wanna try that again?" she asked. He hesitated but shook his head slowly, seeming confused as to why she wouldn't believe him. "Ok, if you're sure..."

"Why wouldn't I be sure?" he asked, confused at her knowing look.

"I've been in your shoes before. Being part of the team destined to save the world isn't rainbows and sunshine. Tony buying every material thing you could want doesn't fix any of the real issues that come with that kind of pressure."

He didn't reply but felt like she was prodding his brain even if she was still sitting with her eyes closed and seemingly unbothered.

"I'm grateful for where I'm at," he answered honestly.

"You can be grateful for one thing and be conflicted with another," she shrugged, still comfortable and unphased in her spot.

He was slightly shocked at that answer as they really hadn't gotten to know each other until now. There was no back history between the two, yet he knew exactly what she was hinting at. But with a power like hers, it would be hard not to pick up on that kind of energy from Bucky.

"Next question, how was Wakanda for you?" she moved on, giving Bucky a break from a conversation he wasn't sure if he wanted to dive into just yet.

"It was nice. I liked it," he answered.

She waited for an elaboration, but once again, it never came.

"Should I change my rules to two to three-sentence minimum answers?" she rolled her eyes with a smirk. Re-adjusting in her spot, she sat up and leaned on the armrest to sit closer to him. "What did you like about it?"

He smiled nervously at the call-out but thought about it, and a fond smile formed on his lips as he thought back to his time in the African country.

"It was nice- lots of sun. T'Challa gave me a plot of land to maintain, and I had goats and some other chores to distract me. But they were chores that I didn't mind- much more simple than some that I'm taking up now. " He didn't mean for the last confession to slip out, but she was kind enough not to harp on it.

"Ever see yourself as a farmer, having been from the great city of Brooklyn?" she smiled.

"No, I can't say I did, but it was a breath of fresh air," he grinned but then realized what he said.

He didn't even realize he had gotten lost in thought, thinking of the things that felt suffocating compared to the fresh air he missed. Pain and suffering outweighed most memories that had the opposite effect.

"You would think with the number of wars created by mankind, we would have learned simpler and more civilized ways of settling our disputes," she said softly, bringing his lost gaze back to her. "Yet, I've seen no evolution in that area concerned with mankind."

Reading his mind in a thought he never made himself but always felt and consciously knew, he eyed her like the fascinating specimen she was continuing to become to him.

"What do they look like?" he leaned forward, deciding he was finally at a place where he could ask all the questions he had in mind without feeling like a nuisance. She had provided him the space for it and the trust he struggled to find in others.

"What the auras? Energies?" she hummed casually, and the corner of his lip raised in awe at how, once again, she knew what he was getting at. He nodded. "The best way I can explain it is having a constant glint of a prism around you and your peripherals. If I focus enough, I can tone it down a little, but I have to use little tricks I've found over time to not let it bug me and then use them to my advantage."

"So, like reflections of rainbows around you?"

"Yes, but everyone and everything has very distinct varieties in tones of colors to them. And it constantly changes for most. So that rainbow is constantly shifting around me like..." she paused, trying to come up with a description to best show imagery to a simple eye. "Like light bending. You know, like on the surface of a bubble? It goes with the flow on the surface but changes tones as it gets hit by the rays differently. But I'm inside the bubble, and it's happening everywhere all at once."

"Wow..." was all one could say to that. Bucky tried to imagine that happening all around regularly and figured it would be overstimulating after a while, or maybe the exact opposite. Calming and beautiful.

"But for each person and thing, it's particular to them..." she went on to explain. "Everyone has a true tone. One that resonates with them as a person and their soul energy, but with moods and trauma, it changes," she explained. "Think of it like a background color that sticks around."

He debated asking what he was, but he didn't know if he was quite ready for the answer to that. Or the context of what the colors meant if she did tell him.

Instead, he decided to ask his next question in case she decided she wanted to kick him out of her room soon.

"How d'you get your powers?" Bucky tilted his head just a touch in curiosity.

She smirked at the question she had been waiting for.

"Nice try, Wonder Boy," she winked. "My turn for a question."

He smiled at her response, feeling like the invitation to leave wasn't coming nearly as soon as he expected, and sat back in his chair before motioning for her to continue.

"What's your favorite candy?" she asked.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "I thought we were asking deep questions."

"Who's to say that isn't a deeply personal question to me?"

"It's candy."

"And favorite candy tells a lot about a person. Trust me."

"How so-?"

"Uh, uh, my question first. Wait your turn," she held a finger up before motioning for him to answer her question.

He had to think for a second. It wasn't often a question directed to him that wasn't espionage or mission-based.

Ever since Steve had saved him, he developed a sweet tooth. Having been deprived of many things during his time as the Winter Soldier, the freedom of simple things like something sweet was equivalent to gold to him.

"I like Nerds," he shrugged. It was the sweetest one he could think of, and the more sugar-teeth-rotting it was, the more appealing.

"Interesting, you struck me as a Twizzler guy," she nodded, taking note of his answer. He cocked his head slightly to the side, confused by the assumption.

"What about me says Twizzlers?" He asked.

"You want to use your question on that?" she asked back.

"No?" he said, using another one of his questions.

"Or do you want a very long and complex story of how I got my powers?"

"That one," he nodded without hesitation and nodded for the answer to it all -her being the all- to fall into his lap next.

She got comfortable in her seat at his answer and pulled her legs from under her to a criss-crossed position.

"Wanna take a stab at when you think I was born?" she smiled like it was her favorite question to ask people.

He knew she wasn't young, but not from her looks. She looked to be close to his age if not a few years younger, but she had the soul of someone who had seen and lived more lifetimes than himself.

"I know one thing about women, and it's never to guess their age," he answered, and her smile proved he was not wrong.

"Congratulations, Bucky. You're the third person I've ever met to not get that answer wrong."

"Steve the other?" Bucky raised a knowing eyebrow.

"Steve used to get nervous around me. He choked out a number before his mother's advice could come out first. But you got it," she winked. "The answer is 1604. No more tests. You can do that math without judgment."

And he did. 426. She was 426 years old. And yet another thing had been added to the list of things Bucky wasn't expecting her to drop so casually.

"Yes, I was born in a small little town in Spain that was bought out and overrun by a larger country that wiped nearly all evidence of its existence due to its insignificant size." Bucky continued to blink slowly in his seat. "My father was a poor farmer. My mother was a woman of duty and tradition. My parents were sweet and what parents were supposed to be given the time, but I never had a connection to them that most would consider family nowadays. Back then, most everyone had children to help with hard labor and tending to the land's needs. My family didn't stray from that belief system."

"I had four brothers and one sister—three older brothers: Walter Jr., Francis, and Oliver. Anthony was my younger brother by three years and a pain in my ass. One of the main reasons I believe Tony is a reincarnation of him," she rolled her eyes, getting a slight turn of Bucky's lip. "I swear the two were both born to give me a constant aneurysm. And they both succeeded."

"You said you had a sister, too?" he questioned.

Her gaze turned into a far-off one at the mention of her sister. Clearly, it was a touchy subject, and her sister's memory was delicate to her.

"My sister, Rosie... She uh, she was born a little different," she sighed with a sad smile. "She had what I believe was Lupis over 200 years before it was discovered. It took over her body when she was nine."

"I'm sorry," Bucky apologized quietly. She didn't acknowledge it, but not out of disrespect. She was just lost in her own memory.

"I was 18 when she started going downhill. In that time period and with my family, her illness was an inconvenience more than the loss of a family member," she answered solemnly, and Bucky could feel her sadness from his spot. The same grave feeling he had when learning his sisters had passed by the time he was of sound mind to visit them was radiating from her. The feeling of losing a sibling, especially one you were close to, was like an unhealable tear in your heart.

"What was she like?" Bucky asked, knowing how remembering the healed some part of that wound.

Y/N's fond smile returned, thinking of her lost sister.

"She was kind and selfless," she answered, looking back at Bucky. "I know everyone talks highly of those who have passed in ways that make them seem inhumanly perfect, but to me, she was. If I could have traded lives with her, I know she would have made an impact in this world more than I ever could. Even with my extra time here."

A person wouldn't say something like that if they didn't mean it, especially with Y/N's life experience. Knowing she was an Avenger and how highly she was talked about among his close friends, she had made an impact. She was making that difference in the world. To say her sister was more than that had to have meant a lot to her.

"Um, well," she sniffled into her sweatshirt and quickly covered her sadness with the topic. "As I'm sure you've caught on, she passed eventually. We weren't in the means to afford a doctor, and even with my scrounging for money where I could, no treatment existed. She passed when she was fourteen. At that point, I was 23, and in that day and age, I was 50 years behind on getting a husband and should have ten kids of my own at that point."

Bucky laughed lightly at that.

"Fast forward a touch, and avoiding some of the family drama, I ran away. I hated how my family had treated her all over something she didn't have control over," she said with disgust in her voice. "I didn't want to be associated with them and made a new life for myself."

"Where did you go?"

"Anywhere I could," she shrugged with a slight grin. "I went rogue. I traveled through towns I didn't know. I walked paths that went on for miles. I somehow survived for the next four years with the help of those who had been on the same journey as me."

"Four years? What happened after four years?"

At this point, the whole question-for-a-question thing was thrown out the window.

"Oh, I stumbled on a piece of the core of the earth."

He went straight-faced again. Why did she keep dropping these facts so nonchalantly?

"Come again?" he said softly.

She chuckled at his response and leaned her head back on the couch.

"You thought you got the interesting part with my age, huh?" she smirked. "I told you there were twists and turns. Ready for the next fork in the road?"

He nodded. Just when he thought he couldn't become more invested in her story, it got more interesting with each new thing.

"On one of my travels, I hit a small tunnel system at the base of Mt. Everest way before it was known as such. It was hidden by trees and really buried in the land."

"And you went in it?"

"Yeah," she answered as if it were the plain-as-day answer. He continued to look at her for further explanation. "I had been traveling throughout Europe and Russia by myself for almost five years at this point. A cave wasn't anything new or crazy for me."

Bucky rubbed his temple at the girl in front of him. All this was before powers, so either she was crazy or stupid fearless. Either way, he could see why Steve and her got along with their "No-plan mindset."

"I'm just going to tell you now, there are crazier moments than wandering into a cave, so you may want to prepare for that," she pointed at him before continuing. "Anyway, I walked into this cave, saw a glowing light, approached it, and next thing you know, I'm knocked unconscious."

"What?"

"Yeah, not sure how much time passed, but it was daytime when I went in and pitch black when I came out," she explained. "But let's fast forward a little. After a month of my powers making themselves known in random and unexpected ways, I ran into a group of witches who were also on an expedition of their own. They took me in and immediately knew that something had happened. Being the 1600s, the chances of me running into someone who wouldn't burn me at the stake were far more likely than the exact group I needed then, but someone was looking out for me that day," she grinned with a sentimental look at the thought of her found family.

Bucky had questions like: Who were they? How many were there? What were their names? What were they like? Where did she find them, or how did they find her? But he preferred to keep quiet and wait for her to supply the answers through her story.

"They taught me that there was a legend tied to my findings. Their words were, 'A soul created by the energy from the core of our home, Earth, would reunite one day after lifetimes of growth and lessons to bring balance and healing to the damage created over the years.' The earth's core had broken off and formed into a crystal of sorts. Much like an infinity stone, but it wasn't a part of that celestial group. It was a higher power in itself."

"Are there things stronger than the Infinity Stones?" Bucky asked, knowing that the stones were some of the most intense power sources known to mankind.

She smirked at that and propped her head in her hand as she answered.

"The stones are strong- each on their own, but even more so when they're together. That said, the power from the core of a planet? It outweighs an infinity stone on its own, maybe two, depending on the match, but it is potent." When Bucky gave her a lost look, she chuckled and explained what she had to many of her teammates in the past. "Mankind is always discovering things. And with it, you find some things aren't as powerful as what has yet to be uncovered. Who's to say there aren't things more powerful than the infinity stones and my earth core?"

Bucky nodded as he processed the new viewpoint. It wasn't a wrong input, but after the endgame battle to end the terrors of Thanos, a part of him didn't want to think of something worse out there than that.

"And you have that gem with you? That's what gives you that power?" Bucky questioned.

"Oh yeah, the remains of it, but I absorbed the stone," holding her necklace that he now noticed had shards of a glimmering crystal in a charm. How he missed the iridescent shimmer of it, he wasn't sure.

"Wait," he backtracked her answer. "You absorbed it?"

"I absorbed it."

"It's in you?"

"It's a part of me."

"But it's like in your body?"

"The energy from it morphed into my soul."

"Your soul?"

"Had to be me."

"Had to?"

"I had the soul made for it, so here we are."

Another round of silence and communitive staring.

"So..."

"So."

"So you're literally a part of the core of the earth?" Bucky asked.

"Correct-e-mundo. If you want to sum up the last 30 minutes, yeah."

Bucky processed every last second and nodded his head casually.

"Interesting."

"One way to put it," she laughed as he ran his hand through his beard.

"Cleary, with over 400 years of living, I have more stories than most, but I feel like we've got enough in for the day," she said, standing. She grabbed the bowl with two spoonfuls left and moved to the door.

Bucky snapped out of his thoughts and realized she was leaving. He quickly jumped up and walked fast to keep up with her.

"Where's, um, where's your dog?"

"Ryker?" she hummed as she turned a corner. Bucky picked up that she was headed to the kitchen and followed. "He's at a friend's house in the city. There are still a few people I'm in contact with here, and they offered to take care of him while I came to the compound. I didn't plan on staying long, but now... I'll need to go pick him up."

"How old is he?" Bucky asked.

"Um," she said softly as if hesitant to answer. "He's on the older side."

"He seems pretty spry for his age, then," Bucky kept the conversation going, not wanting to leave it after all it had supplied to begin with.

"And he will be for a while," she said quietly, but he heard.

Before he could question her zero-context answer, they turned the corner to the kitchen, and she froze. Bucky almost ran into her back at how fast she came to a halt.

Looking up, she saw Tony making a cup of coffee.

Instantly, the room turned from usual energy to tense and sullen. Bucky now realized the energy was coming off of Y/N. It was so strong that anyone in the room would have been able to feel it. Which explained how Tony, who had his back to the two, slowly tensed himself and turned to meet her eyes.

The feeling of relaxation and calm energy Bucky had originally running through his body had left and was replaced with the stagnant one in the air.

There were no thoughts spoken except the ones exchanged through their looks. Y/N's face was one of pure solemnity, and Tony's was an annoyed one.

Bucky just stood awkwardly behind Y/N as he watched the tension in the room build. He didn't know what to do besides let it play out and hoped he didn't need to intervene from someone being killed... Though he knew who the winner was going to be, he wasn't sure if it would be worth the fight on his end.

"So you are staying here?" Tony asked.

"If it's an issue, I can find somewhere else. Just figured it'd be smarter staying close to where my intel is coming in from," she replied, stone-faced.

"No, it's fine. It's still your room after all," he shrugged, stirring the black coffee in hand even though there was no sugar or cream to stir in.

She gave a single nod in return and went to the sink as he left the room.

As Y/N cleaned out her dish, Bucky noticed that the tension remained, and Y/N's tranquil demeanor from earlier was completely replaced with discomfort and irritation.

Clearly, Tony was a trigger for her. He was glad that he got along with her recently. He would hate to be on the same side Tony stood when it came to her stare alone.

TAGS:

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My Lovelies forever:

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#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes x reader insert #marvel bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x reader series #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes marvel #bucky barnes x avenger #bucky barnes x avengers #bucky barnes x avengers reader #bucky barnes x reader avenger #bucky barnes x y/n avengers

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thelaundrybitch · 2 years

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Little Blue Hearts - Chapter 1

Hello, my Lovelies!

After weeks of intense writing, I think I am ready to start posting my TMNT fanfic.

Please note that this fanfic is:

18+ content - for mature audiences only

This is a story about our TMNT boys, all grown up. They are in their mid-late thirties and still looking for love. There will be love, lust, friendship, brotherly bonding, humor, anxiety, heartbreak, and some hot 'n' heavy fun.

And seeing as how I already have 21 chapters written, I will update weekly. Maybe a little sooner because I'm impatient 😂

As soon as I figure out how you other amazing writers create that hyperlink page, I will get one up and running, so all my work will be together.

A shout out to my girl @leosgirl82 for being my right-hand woman and proofreader - Thanks for being you 😘

Also, I should probably warn you that I highly enjoy my cliffhangers *wiggles eyebrows*

Until then, hang on, strap in, and welcome to my emotional rollercoaster...

*if you would like me to tag you in the following chapters, please let me know*

And as always, if you enjoy my work - Reblog, please!

@mysticboombox @roxosupreme @turtle-babe83 @chicchanmooshy

Little Blue Hearts cover art by the lovely @leosgirl82

Impromptu Vacation

It was Wednesday. Ugh. Inventory day at work. One of the joys of working as the night manager at a hotel was you got all the shit jobs that no one else wanted to do. The day shift claimed to be busy with guests and daily chores, while the night shift got to deal with everything else.

My bedroom was pitch black. It more resembled a cave since I'd hung the black-out curtains.

I picked up my phone that was currently face down, so as not to wake me up when a notification popped up.

A missed call? Please don't be work needing me to come in early.

I swiped the notification away to find it was 3:07 pm. Work starts at eight, and I still needed to put my uniforms in the dryer.

"Well, there's no time like the present," I grumble as I roll out of bed.

I walk to the kitchen, hissing a string of curses at the afternoon autumn sunlight as it poured in through my apartment windows. Thankfully I live alone. The only one who was ever able to put up with my cranky, nocturnal ass was my cousin Ashley. She moved to New York last year to take an amazing job as head nurse in a hospital in Manhattan.

"God, I miss her," I say to the fridge as I open the door.

'Breakfast' comes in the form of a replacement meal shake. Vanilla birthday cake, and it's absolutely delicious.

I take my shake with me to the bathroom - where my washer and dryer reside - so that I can put my uniforms in the dryer.

I feel my phone buzz in my pajama shorts pocket.

"Oh, shit, I forgot! I have a message!"

I plop the phone on the counter beside me and put it on speakerphone so that I can move my wet uniforms into the dryer.

"You have one new voice message... Beep..."

"Hey, it's Ashley. I miss you. Like a lot. My application was finally accepted for that place I wanted, and I was kinda hoping you could find time this week to come see it. It would mean a lot to me. Boy, do I have some crazy shit to tell you about. ANYWAY. Call me back. Soon. I love you."

"Huh."

She sounded concerned. Not her usual happy, peppy self.

I call her back immediately after I erase the message.

"HEY!"

I squeeze my eyes shut and yank the phone away from my ear as she deafens me with her excitement.

"Hi! I got your message. Is everything ok?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm just feeling a little anxious about this new place. I need some of your bravado."

"Haha. You're a real riot, you know that?"

"No! Seriously! You're level headed, bold, and fascinatingly intimidating."

"In other words, I'm an asshole."

"Don't say that!"

"I didn't say it was a bad thing. I am a self-proclaimed Mass-hole, you know. You have it in you somewhere too. Under all that sugary sweetness, you project 24/7. I have faith. We did grow up in Massachusetts, after all."

"No, I'm pretty sure I missed out on that gene. Anyway, I need you to come see my place before I sign for it. I was sort of hoping you could use some of that bravado and help me talk the landlord into adding some utilities in with the rent."

"How much is the rent?"

"$3500"

I choke on the huge mouthful of shake I just swallowed.

"What the shit Ashley?! The F they paying you at that hospital for you to afford that?"

She giggles. "Enough. But seriously, could you do me a solid and come see me this week?"

I don't even have to check my calendar to know I have no life besides work.

"Yeah. When do you want me there, and for how long?"

"Any chance you can get here like, tomorrow night?"

In my mind, I can see her face in a hopeful grimacing grin.

"...."

"Please? I miss you!"

I chuckle and shake my head. "I think so. I'll go into work early and talk to HR. Then I need to bust out my inventory reports. Once I'm done, I'll pack a bag and get my rear over there."

"OHMYGODTHANKYOUILOVEYOUSOMUCH!"

I laugh, "Was that even English? I'll call you when I'm done at work."

"Yay!" *Squeals*

"Talk to you soon, love you, bye!"

"Loveyoutoobyyeeee!"

I hang up the phone and shake my head with a smile.

I head to work as soon as my uniform is dried and go straight to HR. I tell them some line of bull about needing to take immediate time off to help a family member who is in dire need of my presence to assist them, and I need to leave ASAP.

I get an automatic approval for seven days worth of vacation, along with blessings that everything goes well. The HR director also tells me that if I need more time, just call or email her and she'll approve it.

I guess that's a plus to living for your job and never asking for time off.

I fly through my inventory and print out all the reports, leaving them on my boss's desk with a note telling her about my impromptu vacation.

I log off my computer and clear my workstation, knowing how much my boss hates our desks being messy, and then head out through security to my car.

"Early day?" Asks the security officer at the desk as I hand him my work keys.

"Yeah. Family thing. I'll be gone for about a week or so."

"Stay safe. I'll try not to let them burn the place down," he says with a chuckle.

"Thanks, that's really comforting," I smirk back at him. "See you in about week, Gabe."

"Make sure you come back, ya? We kinda like you around here."

"Don't worry. And thanks, I appreciate that."

I get home around 11 pm and pack a sizable bag of clothing and necessities. I try to think about everything I could possibly need for her to drag me around for a week.

It is New York, after all.

I decide to text her.

Me: Hey, you up?

CrAshley: I am!

Me: I'm done at work, and I've packed a decent bag. I'm not sure what you're gonna wanna do with me, though 😂

CrAshley: oOoOO! How long do I get you for? The weekend?

Me: Girl, you have me for TWO weekends. And all the days in between 🥳

CrAshley: 👀🤯🎉🙌🥂🍾💕 did you seriously take that much time off?

Me: Hell yeah, I did. It's not every day my bravado gets called upon 💪🦸

CrAshley: 😂😂😂

Me: But seriously, what should I bring?

CrAshley: a couple of nice outfits. Probably mostly things that are comfortable, though.

CrAshley: and that look presentable.

Me: what are you saying? I'm a complete fashionista 😲

CrAshley: Bitch, please 🙄 I'll be shocked if you show up with something OTHER than a work uniform 😂

Me: Ah yes, I see that your inner Masshole is already emerging.

CrAshley: 😬😂😘

Me: alright. I'll show you 😎

Me: oh, I need an address

CrAshley: oh! I'm going to have you meet me at work. I'm working a double.

Me: gotta pay for that expensive apartment after all.

CrAshley: 😂 don't hate

I get the hospital's address, and we set a meeting place at her work, and I set off for my three-hour drive to Manhattan from Massachusetts.

"Alexa, I don't care what anyone says. I think you're the best."

"Thank you. I think you're swell, too."

"Alexa, play me some Ed Sheeran."

"Here are top songs by Ed Sheeran on Amazon Music."

Ed fills my SUV with his songs of love, loss, and fun. I play him for all three hours of driving, singing to my heart's content, happy to finally be on vacation and going to see my favorite relative.

By the time I pull into the hospital's parking structure, it's almost 4:30 am.

I park and take out my phone.

Me: I'm heeerrrrreee... MWAHAHAHAHA!

CrAshley: 🥳 excellent. I actually get off in 20 mins. You can come in, or I can meet you out at your car.

Me: Excellent! I'll wait here. Maybe take a snooze.

CrAshley: alright. Just keep your doors locked. This is New York. You don't know what's out in the dark of the morning.

Me: Not a good place to use my bravado?

CrAshley: you're a riot 🙄

CrAshley: I'll be there soon.

Against her warnings, I decided to get out of my vehicle and stretch a bit. I'm parked at the very top of the parking structure, so I'm not real concerned about predators. It's fairly quiet for being a big city. The sun is just starting to peek its early morning glow on the horizon. I look around the skyline as I turn slowly, appreciating the outline of the giant buildings.

*smack* "What the hell was that?! What were you thinking? Do you know what would've happened if your little stunt didn't go well?!"

I hear a man's voice reprimanding someone else.

"Ow, man! There's no need to hit me! Geez..."

Because I'm nosey and have no appreciation for self-preservation, I walk slowly towards the angry voice, straining my eyes to see if I can catch a glimpse of the drama.

"He's right. We don't stray from the plan unless everyone knows about it. You could've been seriously injured. Or killed."

"But I waaasn't..." the second voice taunts.

Another voice pipes in.

"That's not the point! Not only that, but you lost your radio in the process! What if someone finds it before we do?! There's technology in our radios that will raise some serious questions!"

I continue to walk quietly towards what sound to be four different voices.

"Calm down. We'll get it back. Look. Just because you have a girlfriend now..."

"The world's most beautiful and kind female to ever be put on this Earth!"

I roll my eyes and suppress a giggle.

"Chill, and listen. Just because you have a girlfriend now doesn't all of a sudden make you invincible. And you don't have anything to prove. I'm sure she doesn't want to have to patch you up..."

My foot kicks a stone towards the voices, and I cringe.

"What was that?" The first voice whispers.

"I don't know, but we need to get out of here. We have a big night ahead of us, according to his girlfriend," another whispers.

Then there's nothing. I'm left alone in silence.

My phone starts to buzz in my hand. It's Ashley.

"Hey! Where are you parked?!"

"Top floor of the parking structure."

"Excellent! Be there in a sec!"

I walk back over to my car and stand up against my driver's side door. Ashley comes bounding from the elevators and slams her arms around me like she's a sumo wrestler.

"Holy hello," I gasp, winded by her violent embrace, as I return her affections.

"You ready for the most amazing and mind-blowing vacation of your life?!"

I look at her child-like grin, her eyes sparkling.

"Yes. Yes, I am."

And boy, was that an understatement. I didn't know it yet, but I was about to have my whole world completely rocked.

Little Blue Hearts Master list Here

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lucy90712 · 3 years

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cravings/mood swings (pregnancy series)

Series masterlist

George:

The hormones from pregnancy have made me an entirely different person at times which was a huge shock to both me and George when they first started to hit because I've always been pretty good with my emotions and hormones even when on my period. To me it isn't as bad because I only notice after my mood swings but poor George has to deal with me during.

George came down the stairs after filming a video and came to join me sat on the sofa. I was eating salty crisps (chips) some of which George stole as he sat down, this really set off my hormones for whatever reason and I looked at him with just pure anger that he would even dare to steal my food that I had been craving.

"George what the fuck I wanted those" I almost shouted

"I'm sorry love I didn't mean to I can get you more if you want them" he said panicked slightly

I gave no reaction to what George said as I came down from my rage because I realised I was being way too over the top. I always feel awful when I yell at George because he doesn't deserve it at all but he just happens to be around all the time so he's the one who bares the brunt of all my emotions. I apologised to George and gave him some of my crisps to make up for it and we cuddled on the sofa for a bit.

Later in the evening George was showing me cute videos he has of cat from when he was in his office which were just so adorable and made me so incredibly happy but then the sadness came over and tears started to fall down my face.

"Hey what's wrong?" George asked

"It's just so cute like how can one small animal be so cute" I sobbed

He comforted me and we spent the rest of the evening doing things that didn't provoke any emotions in me.

Dream:

My cravings have been very strong though my pregnancy so far which is a combination of normal things and weird concoctions just whatever I was feeling in that exact moment and I mean that exact moment. My cravings are things that have to be satisfied within the hour or else it's too late and I get over it.

It's about 10pm and I'm just chilling waiting for Clay to get out the shower so we can watch the office together. At that exact moment a craving for pickles came over me, its not a craving I've had before but its one that I know is kind of common. I checked all the cupboards and fridge to see if we had any but we didn't which made me quite sad.

Clay came down the stairs to see me staring at the empty cupboard with a few tears in my eyes. He came over to me looking at what I was before becoming very confused at what exactly was going through my mind clearly wondering if I was going a bit insane.

"Is everything alright?" He asked

"We don't have any pickles" I whined

"Do you want me to go and get you some?" He asked

I nodded my head and we went to the car to drive to the store to go buy pickles mainly because I didn't want to be left alone. Clay actually went into the store while I stayed in the car because he didn't want me getting cold but he soon came back with two jars of pickles just incase I wanted more another day.

Back at home I ate half the pickles in the jar and very much enjoyed it and so did baby which was the whole point of going to get them. I imagine just like every other craving I will get over it and move on to a new one.

Sapnap:

My mood swings have been insane so far during pregnancy like way morse than they would be before my period is due to arrive. I feel so awful that Sapnap has to deal with me because he used to hate it when I got so very emotional before my period and now its constant and like x1000.

I have been slightly more emotional than usual today which has just been ruining my day because I can't seem to get anything done without crying or raging at myself but I've yet to spend much time with Sapnap so he has been spared from my disastrous day so far. This soon changed when he came downstairs and sat with me on the sofa.

He attempted to cuddle with me but something in my brain told me that I didn't want that and I should be mad at him for even trying to be affectionate even though I love him so very much.

"No get off me" I said a bit too harshly

"Oh I'm sorry baby is there anything you want?" He asked trying to be accommodating

I shrugged him off still slightly angry but getting over it very quickly and feeling bad for half yelling at him. My anger soon completely dissolved and was replaced by sadness at the fact that I had yelled and now wanted to cuddle but he wasn't going to want to now right, I mean I've just yelled at him so why would he want to cuddle.

A few tears started to form in my eyes and soon spilled out onto my face wetting my cheeks which I tired to hide by facing away from Sapnap but of course he knows me and tried to see what I was hiding. As soon as he saw I was crying he put his hands on my face to wipe the tears and gave me a kiss.

"What's wrong babe? How can I fix it?" He asked

"I feel bad for yelling and I want cuddles but you don't want to give them to me because I was mean" I explained

"You are so silly of course I'll still give you cuddles if you want them" he said

He pulled me into a big bear hug where we stayed for the rest of the day and night.

Quackity:

I have been having a lot of odd cravings over the past few weeks most of which are completely unnatural and Alex thinks are gross but they actually taste really good. To me at least.

Tonight I was really feeling like eating chicken nuggets with honey, I really wanted to eat it but I was scared to ask Alex to come to the store with me because he would think it was weird and judge me which my fragile little heart couldn't take.

"Alex will you go to the store with me please?" I asked

"Of course love what do you want this time?" He asked

"Chicken nuggets and honey" I whispered

"What was that" he questioned

"Chicken nuggets and honey" I said a bit louder

"That sounds interesting lets go" he said

He grabbed my hand and pulled me up and to the car where we went to McDonald's for the chicken nuggets and then target for the honey before going back home. Alex was interested to try this combination too so the both of us sat down to try it. At first the flavour was really weird but once you got used to it it was really good actually and now I think I'm obsessed and by the looks of things so is Alex because his face looked like he had just had the best thing ever.

Karl:

Oh my has it been a rollercoaster so far, I've been so over emotional and have been craving so many different things it is so hard to keep up with for me let alone Karl.

This morning I was trying to make breakfast and I couldn't open the milk which upset me but then the bowls were up too high so I couldn't reach which made me even more upset but the last straw for this morning was when I had just sat down after struggling with everything and someone rang the doorbell just as I was about to eat the cereal I had really been wanting. I answered the door to collect the parcel the man had before going back to the living room with tears starting to slip down my face.

I'm not sure why I was so upset but I was which stopped me eating my cereal because I was crying which made me cry more because I really wanted the cereal, it was just an awful cycle. Karl walked in as I was staring at my full bowl of cereal sobbing which caused him to run over to see what was wrong.

"Hey hey whats wrong?" He asked

"Nothing is going right and all I want to do is eat my cereal but I can't because I'm crying which is making me more upset" I ranted

"Oh honey I'm sorry how about you follow my breathing to calm down and then eat your cereal ok?" He suggested

He helped me calm down enough to be able to eat my cereal which was kind of soggy by now but I still very much enjoyed it and soon got back to my normal self.

Wilbur:

My hormones are all over the place which normally I can handle but every now and then I get too overly emotional and just cry over random things, this usually happens when I'm alone so I just deal with it myself.

Today Wilbur took the day off from working so he's here to see the rollercoaster that is my day and believe me it can be a rollercoaster. I had a breakdown this morning when doing chores I was unloading the dishwasher and I kept almost dropping everything I touched which made me so mad at myself and really sad at the same time. I just left the room and sat down for a minute talking to myself to sort my brain out then went back to doing chores.

Later in the afternoon we were watching a nature documentary which we do a lot and there was this lizard and her babies that were being hunted by a large bird, I was willing them to get away but the bird caught the babies and the mother got away. This made me so sad that the lizard lost her babies while I was sat there carrying my baby. I started crying thinking about the fact that anything could happen to little bean once their here.

"It's ok love its just natures way" Wilbur said

"But what if bad things happen to bean when their here obviously not like that but anything could happen" I sniffled

"We will protect bean as best we can to stop anything bad happening but for now their safe where they are" Wilbur said

This made me feel better and luckily the rest of the documentary wasn't sad at all and there was some cute moments which made me forget about all my worries.

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