#and that’s the whole wow these guys are depressed as fuck when it comes to the vamps
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#it’s the tipping point in the story.#where it all tips over.#this season everyone has grown closer to each other and has gone through love grief and loss#extreme emotions that family makes you feel.#and guillermo needed to leave! because everything WOULD stay the same. it IS staying the same.#and that’s the whole wow these guys are depressed as fuck when it comes to the vamps#nothing changes for them. as much as they want - it’s fleeting. they’re immortal. they outlast and outlive everything else.#it’s depressing. they try and fill that void#nandor w finding a partner/the genie#nadja and the guide with the club#laszlo with baby colin robinson#they had an objective. that had a motive for their eternal lives this season#and it was all ripped away. BECAUSE of what immortality has costed them. what being a vampire has costed them#they’re back to way things were. as if nothing has even happened. and they’re mourning#and guillermo coming back as a vamp (?) is going to stir things up and throw everyone in for a loop#and i think it’s just such an insanely relatable theme for humans despite our mortality that it genuinely struck deep in the audience#wwdits
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Rejected
Male Yandere! x GN!Reader (This is a remake but feel free to read the original one)
Warnings: Use of profanity, implied murder, possible manipulation, mentions of depression, mentions of sui
“I’m sorry but I don’t like you in that way”
“What..?”
“Sigh..I like you, but only as a friend. I don’t like like you”
“Oh! Not that there’s anything I don’t like about you. I’m just not looking for a relationship right now”
“No, no, it’s alright..Yeah..Friends..Let’s just, remain friends, yeah?”
“Are you sure? You aren’t just saying that to make things less awkward, right?”
“Mhm..I didn’t expect you to say yes anyways hahah. You’ve always been quite open about what you currently want and don’t want after all.”
“I just wanted to get it out of my chest y’know? It’s been bothering me” He chuckles awkwardly
“So..We’re cool?” You say awkwardly
“Yeah..Cool..”
“Ahah..Nice..?” You say in an almost questioning tone
RINGGGGG
“Oh..Wow, the uhm bell rang. Well then, see you around. Bye byeee” You then quickly turn around and hurriedly leave
‘Gosh, that whole interaction was so awkward and tense! Remind me to never accept secret rooftop meetings ever again!’
“…”
‘It’s only been a month since you rejected me.’
‘You said you didn’t want a relationship. Yet, why are you getting so close to him? Him, of all people’
Your laughter echoes through the hallways, breaking him out of his train of thought
“I can’t take this anymore..”
Quickly, he marches over to you, grabs your hand, and pulls you away outside in the courtyard
“Kanata. Let go of me!”
Surprised by your voice he lets go
“That hurt, why’d you do that?” You glare, demanding an answer
“I— I’m sorry, it’s just..Him..I’ve warned you so so many times to not get close to him.”
“He’s a bad person”
“You need to stay away from him. Now.”
Irritated, you reply, “Look, no one has the right to judge and dictate who I should or shouldn’t hang out with”
“Especially you, yes, you Kanata”
“What? Me? And why the hell is that huh?”
He’s clearly starting to get agitated but that won’t stop you from saying what you’ve been wanting to
“Hah! Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?”
“I know how you’ve been bullying him behind everyone’s back! Behind my back!”
“He was never a bad person! It was you all along! You’re the bully, not him!”
“What the heck are you even talking about right now y/n?!? Me? Bullying that guy? Are you out of your mind?? Have you finally lost it? Huh?!”
“You know me better than I do y/n! Since when was I ever the type to bully someone?!!”
“ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT Y/N L/N??!! I MEAN, I KNEW YOU ALWAYS WERE BUT I DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE THIS MUCH OF AN IDIOT”
…….
He hated this situation
He hated all of it
He hated how you were accusing him
He hated how he’d accidentally raised his voice
He hated how he let his temper get the best of him again
But, he can’t take back and rephrase those words now
…….
“..An idiot..? Wow, is that what you’ve thought me all along? Huh?”
“To think that I..To think that I even ever thought of you as a friend”
“IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY THINK OF ME?!”
“N-No, I—” “I BET YOU ALSO TALK BAD ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK, DON’T YOU? I BET..I BET THAT ALL THIS TIME YOU’VE THOUGHT THAT I WAS A NUISANCE AND THAT I WASN’T WORTH YOUR TIME”
“What?! NO. Y/N, where the heck is all this coming from? I never even said anything like that”
“But I bet I really was a nuisance, wasn’t I?”
“Everyone..Everyone always ends up leaving me..I thought you were different. But I can see that you aren’t any different from them” You stare at him and walk off
….
You didn’t know why you said all that
Why did you say it?
Those words aren’t even close to what you were thinking
Everything was so off. This wasn’t how you guys fought. You’ve always talked things out..But why did it end like that?
Why?
Whywhywhywhywhy
….
It’s been a few days since that fight you had with your now ex best friend
Come to think of it, you haven’t seen him around for a while now..
Oh well, it was none of your business. You probably just missed each other, the building is huge after all
On the other hand,
You’ve gotten a lot closer to Angel
Well, Angel isn’t his name but it’s what everyone calls him. A bit weird to call a guy that but it’s nice, he fits the description of an angel after all
Huh, you’ve never actually found out his real name now that you thought of it..He introduced himself as Angel when you guys met and guess you just never had the opportunity to ask him for his real name..
After a few days of still not seeing your ex best friend, you decided to pay his class a visit before classes start and hopefully make up
You’ve been friends for almost all your life. No matter what you try to think your heart just can’t let this friendship that lasted for a decade to end in that way
You peek through the open door and look around
One of the people there, notice you and come up
“Is there something you need?”
“Oh! Uh, no, not really. Just wondering if Kanata came to school today..We recently had a fight and I want to make things right again..Ahah..”
‘Someone end me..I DIDN’T MEAN TO BASICALLY VENT TO SOME RANDOM PERSON’
Upon hearing what you had to say, the girl looked almost hesitant to say what she’s about to say next
“I..I’m sorry, you mustn’t have heard but, Kanata’s dead”
“Sorry? What?”
“He’s dead. He was going through depression and well..You know, he..Couldn’t take it anymore. I’m very sorry for your loss”
“Oh..Yeah..Uhm..T-thank you for letting me know”
You had been on autopilot throughout the entire day
The bell rang, classes started and ended
And right now, you find yourself crying, hugging, and confiding in Angel, your new best friend
How did you end up in his house? You don’t remember. Everything is foggy, blurry, all you know is that his touch is comforting, his hand brushing through your hair, whispering comforting words
Promising that he won’t leave you like the others
He’s different
He promised not to leave you
“I won’t ever leave you alone”
You wake up from your sleep
“What an odd dream..”
It wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare
“I should probably get ready now lest I be late for that date!”
Wake up. Wake up to the real world
Ding dong~
“Oh? That must be him!”
You hurriedly rush to the front door and open it
Upon opening the door you immediately get engulfed in a hug
“Morning babe”
You chuckle, “Good morning! You’re here early, hold on. I just woke up, lemme get ready first then we can head out, yeah?”
“Yeah. Go ahead and get ready, I’ll be here”
Run
Wake up
This isn’t real
Kanata didn’t end himself
He was a happy man. He never had depression
“Angel”, or rather, Rei, killed him
You know this. Don’t delude yourself
WAKE UP
“I’m ready! Well?”
“You look absolutely amazing love, now then, shall we go?” He offers his hand
“Amazing just for you! And yes, we shall my good sir” You hold his hand and start to walk side by side
“Geez..That’s sweet but don’t say that ever again. That was cringe” He says in a lighthearted teasing tone
You giggle, “I know, I know, but you still love me despite me being cringe at times”
“Well, you’re right about that”
“How could I ever not love you? You’re the most wonderful person on earth”
Ah..
I see..
It’s too late..
His grasp is too strong
You’ll never break free
I’ll(we’ll) never break free
#BRO IM CRINGING SO SO BAD#WHAT IS THIS?????#THIS IS SO BAD#SO CRINGE#DID I REALLY WRITE THIS WHOLE THING?? AINT NO WAY MAN#🌊elyria#x reader#yandere x y/n#yandere imagines#yandere x darling#yandere x you#yandere x reader#tw yandere#yandere male#male yandere#yandere#gn!y/n#gn!reader#gn reader#gender neutral y/n#gender neutral reader#gender neutral mc#gender neutral fanfic#gender neutral insert#yandere x gn reader#yandere x gender neutral reader
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Chapter 16 - A deep conversation
Summary: Deku’s worries float away with Rody’s surprise visit. Literally.
Izuku’s lips get loose after a few pints. (It was one single pint, but don’t tell him I told you that.)
Warnings: mentions of depression, really brief mention of suicide but I swear it’s a cute, fluffy chapter! 😂 also… alcohol. Drink responsibly. Don’t be a Deku.
First Chapter Master List
~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
“Rody?!” Izuku shrieks, completely dumbfounded.
You can’t help but smile fondly as Rody hugs Izuku and starts muttering death threats into his ears.
“If you ever pull that shit again, I’ll come over on my helicopter and kill you myself, you fucking asshole. You understand, buddy?” Rody mumbles while Pino cries on Izuku’s shoulders, snuggling into his hair. Izuku was right. Rody has the most interesting quirk you’ve ever seen.
“I’m so happy to see you, buddy.” Izuku sniffs because that’s who he is; if an emotion is even a tiny bit stronger than his normal, he cries about it, positive or negative. Rody rolls his eyes, but Pino still cries a river. Honestly, this guy a perfect example of how different humans act in front of of others. It’s mesmerizing. And sad. “I have so much to tell you, oh my god! You know how I got a roommate thanks to Jirou? She’s so pretty and so sweet, Rody, I fell in love with her right away, she’s also a big fan of me and …”
“Izuku, I’m here. I can hear you.” You giggle as Izuku starts to blush aggressively. “Why don’t you have this conversation with him after eating something? You can have a cider or a beer in the garden?”
“What about you?” Izuku gives you his biggest puppy eyes. Rody laughs fondly at your shenanigans.
“Oh boy, you have it bad.”
“Oh boy, he really does.” You giggle to yourself with a slight blush on your face. “I need to finish my commissions, Izu. I’ve been neglecting it in the past few days.” Izuku looks so heartbroken; he’s little libs wobble, his eyes are full of tears and… fuck, you are way too weak against his puppy eyes. “Okay, I’ll leave you two alone for an hour, then I’ll join. But let’s eat first. Rody must be hungry.” You sigh as Izuku attacks you with kisses on your cheeks, because this guy has no shame.
“I guess I don’t need to ask how the rest of the story went.” Rody gives you a knowing smile. Izuku is abssolutely out of it, literally floating around from the happiness. Floating. Like, for real. By the time he makes it into the kitchen he head bumps into the ceiling.
“Wow, are you sure you are not in love with Rody? You haven’t kissed the ceiling before.” You tease your man who only moans, incapable of getting down by himself. “I’ll get the ladder, you keep him away from the window.”
“Yes, sir!” Rody smirks.
You have no idea what’s happening, but one thing is for sure; you haven’t laughed this much in your whole fucking life. You really thought Izuku can not surprise you anymore, but clearly, you have a long way to go before you actually get to know this man. Thank god you have your whole life to get to know him.
~•🥦•~
“So…” Izuku scratches his head awkwardly as he comes back from the bedroom. He decided to call his doctor, just in case. “Apparently, my floating might be the after effect of my meds. The ones I got for my mood.”
“So you got overexcited like those puppies who pee themselves when they see their owner?” Rody chimes in with a smirk on his face. You swear you heard his tummy rumble, but you decide not to mention it yet.
“Basically, yes. I got some meds to lift my mood but I didn’t really need to take them today but I took it out of habit, then… a lot of good things happened and… yeah.”
“Well, at least you didn’t pee yourself.” You tease, tapping the seat next to you with a fond smile. “Come on puppy, Rody is starving.” You giggle as Izuku puts his pretty little bum down on the seat. Rody is so fucking ready to eat it’s actually quite hilarious; you don’t need Pino’s help to know he will devour whatever you put in front of him, even if it tastes like shit (hopefully, it does not.)
Just as expected, Rody jumps on the food right as you pop the serving in from him; you brought a little bowl over for Pino as well, not entirely sure if she eats human food or not, but you definitely did not want her to feel left out. You also brought over some seeds Izuku kept for the birds in his garden, just in case.
“I hope you payed for your ride this time.” Izuku looks at his friend with suspicion. You have no idea why this is the first question that comes out of your boyfriend’s mouth, but there is probably a story behind it.
“Yes and no.” Rody answers honestly and you can see Izuku’s frown deepen at that. “Wait! Jesus, just because I haven’t payed for a bus ride doesn’t mean I’m going to sneak on a fucking plane! That’s actual crime, Izuku!”
“Not paying for a bus ride is also a crime, Rody!” Izuku retorts. At this point, you are just blinking at the two, utterly confused.
“I haven’t payed for the ride itself, because I was the pilot. Your bestie, Katsuki, was nice enough to let me park at your agency’s helipad.” Rody admits. “Some of my friends wanted to visit Japan anyway and as you know, I work at a private jet charter company, so… they chipped in. Every pilot is allowed to use the planes once a year for personal reasons, I usually use mine to take my siblings away from the city but after I heard what happened from Katsuki, I decided to come over.”
So he was worried. That’s so sweet!
“Why didn’t you bring Roro and Lala over?!” Izuku pouts. Rody only laughs at that.
“They have school. They are big enough now to stay alone for a week but I asked my girlfriend to stay over at our house, just in case. They are probably having the time of their lives without me.”
“Your girlfriend?!” Izuku shrieks, almost choking on his soup. You gave him a proper bowl this time because you didn’t want him to feel like a kid in front of his buddy but he still managed to look like one, so all your efforts were in vain.
“Yeah, uhm…” Rody and Pino’s face reddens. “She’s works at the company. Super cute. I had a crush on her since day one. Then we went out drinking together with the guys and uhm… yeah. It’s not too romantic but we haven’t left each other’s side since. Life is great, you know… and I can only thank you for that. You opened my eyes and made me realize I can live a proper life and get money in a respectful way. I wouldn’t be here without you, you know. So thank you. I will bring my siblings over next year. They also want to thank you.”
Needless to say, Izuku cries again. Then he floats. Everyone screams. Thankfully, you manage to grab him before the whole table flips.
~•🥦•~
“Life has been hectic. I don’t… I don’t know what’s going to happen, you know. With my career, I mean. I might lose my spot… hell, I probably will.” Izuku mutters, playing with the condensation on his almost empty glass.
Saying that Izuku is okay now is an overstatement. The last few weeks were terrible. Everything felt empty, like he’s only a shell, an empty vessel with needs and desires, but they all felt so distant, so fake, he had to force himself to actually eat and shower. It was a struggle to keep himself alive, especially in the first week. The pain was excruciating, being unable to move was frustrating the hell out of him and not even the hot bubble bath and the massive amount of medicine could soothe his troubled soul and broken body. He hurt the most important person in his life, daily, he made Sweet Pea cry every night; he could hear it sometimes, barely there but loud enough for him to notice during the sleepless nights. He has so much atoning to do, so much to make up for but he also needs to heal so he can save people again and it’s really hard to find the perfect middle ground. He’s so happy but he’s also not… it’s like he’s in the pink clouds, but with weights pulling his legs down and he needs to work hundred times harder with to stay up there while before it was easy as breathing. Izuku wants to be his old self, he really wants to; he misses his old, silly self, or to be exact, he misses when he didn’t feel dread after every laugh, thinking that be should be out on the field, fighting instead of having fun with his girlfriend. Izuku knows this is something every hero needs to go through at least once; All Might himself told him he also felt the same when he had to retire, this constant guilt and dread every time he dared to feel happy about something. It’s normal but it doesn’t make it easier to endure.
“Does she know?” Rody gives Izuku a sad smile.
“Of course. She also knows I’m genuinely happy when I’m with her, I’m glad we can have some time together, to finally talk about our future and get used to each other properly. We didn’t have time to do that you know.” Izuku sighs. “I could barely be home. All she’s done in the past few weeks was waiting for me to come home and see me for a few hours. I couldn’t ruin that time with talking about deep stuff, but now we can actually… talk. It doesn’t make it that much easier though. I can’t lift this glass with my other hand, you know. I’m aware of it and it’s killing me. I would be completely useless if it’s not for black whip. But then she looks at me like I’m the most perfect human being on this whole planet, her pretty eyes shining and… I almost believe it’s true. That this is temporary and I’ll be back to my old self in a heartbeat. It’s not the truth though. I’ll get my heart broken several times before I make my way back to being a hero… and I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready to give up on being the number one. I worked my ass off for it. I cried blood, I sweat blood, yet here I am, on the verge of loosing everything. It makes me question if it was worth it, leaving my mother alone in that house, leaving Sweet Pea alone for days, weeks, breaking her heart over and over because I couldn’t make it home.” Rody is about to say something but Izuku stops him. Rody stays quiet but he slowly moves the glass of cider away from him, even though it’s already almost empty. “I know I’m being stupid. I know this is all in my head. The vestiges tell me that every day. They were talking to me so much when I was in my deepest, darkest phase. Whispering into my ears, telling me I did well, telling me this is not the end. I know that. I know I’m going to work my ass off again and again to get back where I was, it just sucks that I need to.”
“It’s normal to be frustrated when life isn’t going the way you wanted it to.” Rody mutters. “It suck even more when you loose your path thanks to something you can’t control. I know, I’ve been there.” He sighs. “When I lost everything after my father disappeared and I had to take care of two kids when I was supposed to be enjoying my youth, I was really frustrated. It only got worse once I realized I can’t make any money legally thanks to my age. There was a point when I wanted to end it all because I didn’t see the point in fighting. I felt like every step I make just makes the situation worse. But then I thought about my siblings. I thought about their future and about how I can at least make sure they have a good life. Without me, they would’ve been taken away. That kept me going. Then I met you. This is not the end, Deku. Once you fall deep enough, it’s only up from there. That’s what I want you to remember when the hero ratings are out.”
“You are right. I’m being an idiot. I have a roof above my head, enough money in the bank to cover my absence, I have amazing friends, family and an amazing girlfriend.” Izuku admits. “My friends are amazing heroes who can cover for me. It’s not the end of the world.”
“You are an idiot, yes, but I would question your humanity if you wouldn’t have thoughts like that. You are not a robot. You are doing really good compared to your circumstances, but don’t let that stop you from feeling like shit sometimes. Let the frustration out. Don’t bottle it up. This is your one chance to be a real human being without any consequences. Enjoy it. Heal yourself. Let us help, we are here for you.”
Izuku can’t help the tears, and he doesn’t want to; he lets them out, salty streaks trailing down his cheeks as he cuddles into his friend, body shaking like a leaf.
“I’ll be fine, because you guys are with me.” He cries. He feels weirdly dizzy all of a sudden. Hm. Interesting. “I’ll be fine because I want to have fun with everyone. I want to live my life with no regrets. I’ll do my best so I can welcome Roro and Lala with a smile on my face. I’ll do my best, Rody. I will!”
While Rody is clearly laughing at Izuku’s sudden shenanigans, Pino is bawling together with him so Izuku knows he’s not actually being laughed at.
“Okay, sweetheart, you had way too much drink.” Sweet Pea comes into Izuku’s view, giggling with teary eyes. Did she hear him? Was he yelling?
“I’ll make you happy!” Izuku yells into Y/N’s face, because… well… because he can. “I’ll make you really-really happy! And I’ll marry you! We will have five kids! You hear me?”
“Three kids max, Izu. Now let’s put you to bed.”
“But I don’t wanna!!!!”
“Hm.” Rody snickers to himself. “Only two more to go, you clearly have one kid already.”
“HEY!!!!!!!!”
“Why are you yelling?” Y/N giggles.
“Because I will make you happy! Can we get that dog now? I’ll name him All Bark.” Both of them burst out laughing. Why is he being manhandled right now?! He’s completely fine! He can make his way towards the bedroom himself, thank you very much! Okay, maybe once he started crying the booze went into his head a tiny bit but he’ll get better in no time!
“Okay, sweetie, it’s bed time. Rody’s staying in my room today, you guys can chat some more in the morning! Rody needs to sleep, he had a long ride.”
That’s fair. Izuku can live with that.
“Okay…”
~•🥦•~
Secret Winter Cabin Trip! Sponsored by Rody
Eijirou: Hey everyone! Izuku’s friend from Otheon is in town and would like to invite you all to a special “winter wonderland” trip! It’s a 3 days trip, private plane and private cabins! Make yourselves free if you can!
Shouto: What’s the point if I can’t be the driver?
Eijirou: You can still call names and be in charge!
Amajiki-kun: Why am I here?
Eijirou: Because Izuku likes you and you never come out drinking! You can bring your support animal!
Katsuki: You are here because Eijirou’s been moaning about not seeing you for ages.
Mirio: I’m the support animal! And I’m in!
Iida: Sadly, I can’t make it this time! Send me photos, please!
Mina: Ahh, such a bummer! I also can’t make it 😭
Katsuki: Nah, not coming
Mina: LOL, good joke.
Katsuki: I know
Kyouka: Count me in!
Kaminari: Me and my buddy are coming too!
Shinsou: Well, apparently I’m coming, thanks for asking before you wrote that in the group chat you asshole
Momo: I’m coming! I’ll keep an eye on everyone!
Shouto: Wait… winter cabin? It’s not… winter?
Katsuki: I can’t believe it took 30 minutes for someone to question that part. My friends are fucking idiots.
Kaminari: OMGOMG Bakubro called us friends 😭
Katsuki: That was not the point, second hand Pikachu.
Amajiki-kun: I was too scared to mention that.
Eijirou: Don’t worry about the details. You’ll see! Bring warm clothes!
… Next Chapter!
~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
Potato ramble:
- Hey guys! I made a Ko-fi page just in case you guys would like to support me! Don’t worry, I’m not going to stop writing if I don’t get any donations nor will I start writing quicker if I do! (I literally can’t. I’m writing every day after work already 😂) I also don’t do prompts for money, so please don’t send me any on that site! I’ll make a proper post about this in the future! My main reason to do this is that I really wanted to start digital drawing this year but I ended spending my iPad money on getting my stupid laptop repaired so… every penny helps 😂
Click here if you want to check my page or donate! Thank you!
TL: @garfieldthomas @porusuniverse @stickygumchewer @sixxze @mily-moo @aei-sedai-moiraine @aymasakusa @katsuari @kenzie-deadly @shiviwrites07 @lukerycyja-reblogs @cloroxisadelectabletreat @coffeent @kisskissshutmydoor @bobcar1 @yazminetrahan @cringefan @ronimacaroni77 @themultifandomgirl @dangerousluv1 @emperatris-rinaka @shotos-angelic-whore @angelsdemonsmonsters @norvacaine @rei165 @unofficialmuilover @yao-ai @happydragonfrog @eeerreehhh @vinivave
#bnha x reader#mha x reader#midoriya x reader#deku x reader#deku x fem!reader#midoriya izuku x y/n#midoriya fluff#midoriya x you#midoriya izuku x reader
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(FINE I guess this is a series now. whatever.)
“He’s where,” says Steve.
“Off to see the wizard, my dude.” Argyle passes him a pipe. Steve’s not really sure where it came from or when Argyle packed it, but he’s got manners, so he takes a hit and hands it off to Jonathan.
“Murray,” elaborates Jonathan, on an exhale. “The…you know. Oh wow, I guess you’ve never met Murray either. That’s weird, right? I mean, you were there, you were just…”
“Babysitting, probably,” says Steve. “Wait, why is Eddie meeting this guy?”
Argyle gestures in a big loopy way. It reminds Steve a little bit of how Eddie waves his arms around. “Eddie’s on, like, a spiritual journey. A dream quest, but…real life. The realest.”
“Not spiritual like church,” adds Jonathan. “Like, gay spirit. Is that a thing? Shit, why doesn’t anyone know Murray.”
“I don’t know Murray either, man,” says Argyle.
“Is…Murray a real person?” Steve asks. He doesn’t think it’s an unreasonable question.
“Yes! Jesus. He’s real, okay? Nancy knows Murray, we—yeah. Nancy knows him.” Jonathan looks kind of dour and depressed, but he always sort of looks like that.
“How’s Nancy doing?” Steve doesn’t really want to know, but it seems like the polite thing to say.
“We’re fine,” says Jonathan.
“Okay,” says Steve, who hadn’t asked that at all.
“Everything’s fine,” Jonathan repeats. Argyle reaches over to pat Jonathan on the head, then takes the pipe from Jonathan’s hand.
———
“Hm,” says Murray. It’s hard to tell what he’s thinking behind all the facial hair and glasses. “Okay, I don’t usually do this, but…what the hell. Kiddo, you are way too young to be talking like that. Your life’s not over, and if you’re smart about it, it doesn’t have to be over any time soon.”
Murray sits back on the couch, kicking up his feet. There’s a hole in his left sock.
“You think happily ever after only looks like one thing? That’s the thought of a child. If you really want, you can make some kind of picket fence life for yourself, suburbs and all. But you’re a queer, so that means you don’t have to do that shit because nobody’s expecting you to anymore. You get to decide what matters to you.”
“I don’t know any way to be gay that’s not lonely as hell,” Eddie says.
“That’s because you’re an idiot and an infant,” says Murray gently.
“You don’t have a—a boyfriend.” It comes out a little too sharp and mean, but Eddie’s feeling cornered.
Murray laughs. “Kid, what did I just say? I don’t want a damn boyfriend. Some guy coming over here all the time, eating my food? Hell no. We’re degenerate homos, we get to decide what to keep and what to shove down the god damn garbage disposal. I got some arrangements in place, and that’s the way I like it. The whole lovey-dovey romance shit isn’t for me.”
Eddie draws his legs up, wrapping his arms around his shins. His boots are probably leaving marks on the couch, but Murray can deal. “I think it…I think that is for me. I want that to be for me. Um. In general.”
Murray actually tilts his head down to give Eddie a scathing look over the top of his glasses. “No shit, Joan Jett. Your whole ooh please push past my defenses to prove you love me schtick is visible from space.”
“Fuck,” says Eddie, knocking his head against his knees. He closes his eyes, humiliated beyond words, feeling scooped-out and awful.
“C’mon, it’s not that bad.” Eddie feels a tap on his arm, and when he looks up, Murray’s holding out a glass with about an inch of amber liquid in it. “We all go through something like that. It’s a rite of passage, just like it is to get so wasted you throw up on the stranger you dragged into a club bathroom. You’ll do that too. You’re gonna be messy and embarrassing anyway, so just enjoy the ride. And take the damn Talisker, it’ll help.”
Eddie takes the damn Talisker and knocks it back in one go, just to be an ass. Murray rolls his eyes but pours him another one.
“Ah, practical shit…” Murray scratches at his beard thoughtfully. “Been a while since I had to do this. Poppers are great, don’t overdo ‘em. Splurge on the fancy medical lube if you want but Vaseline or Crisco’ll do the trick just fine. And listen up, kitten, because you can ignore everything else that comes outta my mouth, but you can’t ignore this: always wrap it up. I mean always. I don’t care if he’s your soulmate, I don’t care if it kills the mood, I don’t care if he says he’s a blushing goddamn virgin. If he doesn’t want to wear a rubber, he doesn’t care if you live or die.”
Murray looks down at his own glass. For the first time, Eddie thinks he looks—tired.
“I know there’s probably a big part of you that doesn’t care if you live or die, either. But you gotta remember there’s people who do. The kid who sent you to me. He doesn’t want to go to your funeral.”
“Yeah,” Eddie says. It comes out too quiet; he swallows and tries again. “Yeah. I know. I’ve—been to funerals too.”
Murray barks out a surprised laugh. “God, you have, haven’t you? Think I was almost thirty, my first time. I’m sorry, Joan Jett, this isn’t a great time to be young and gay. Go make friends with some dykes, they’ll keep you sane.”
Eddie, who has held Robin’s hair back as she ralphed into a bucket after losing a Peeps-eating competition with Steve, has his doubts, but he just nods.
Murray looks at him for a moment, then takes his face between two big hands and kisses him on the forehead. It feels neither sexual nor familial, but something beyond all of the easy categories Eddie’s known.
“Now piss off,” Murray says. “Don’t get some crazy idea that this means we’re friends, or that you can start coming around whenever you feel like it.”
“So, just Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other Sunday,” says Eddie, and ducks out before Murray can start cussing at him.
———
See, Eddie’s little crush on Steve is meant to be purely recreational. It’s fun to crush on unavailable guys he knows—way more fun than celebrities or whatever. It’s just nice, to feel his heart speed up a little when Steve’s around, safe in the certain knowledge that he’s never going to do a damn thing about it. It even feels good to hurt a little bit over it, achy and sharp, like pushing on a bruise.
Yeah, Eddie knows he’s a little fucked up. But he figures this is harmless enough: a secret little vice that nobody’s ever going to know about.
Apparently, everybody knows.
“Um,” says Jonathan, wide-eyed. “Was it…supposed to be a secret?”
“Yes,” hisses Eddie. “Because this is Hawkins, Indiana, and I don’t want to fucking die. Did we or did we not just have a conversation about the many and various perils this whole thing entails.”
“My dude, if you don’t want it to be, like, public knowledge, maybe don’t flirt with him so much?”
“Betrayal!” Eddie gasps, staggering around like he’s been stabbed in the back, because he fucking has. “An unjust hit by Argyle the Assassin.”
“Argyle the Assistant,” says Argyle. “I’m assisting you, bro.”
“I don’t flirt with Steve!” Eddie screeches. “We’re friends! I flirt with you two dickwads more than I do with Steve, because I don’t flirt with Steve!”
“You really do,” says Jonathan apologetically. “Kind of…a lot. Remember when we were out by the quarry, and you kept calling him princess.”
“As a joke!”
“Ohhh yeah,” says Argyle. “That was the day you, like…took his jacket, right?”
“I was cold!”
Jonathan grins. “Is that why you kept asking him how it looked on you?”
“As…a joke,” says Eddie, weakly. He’s starting to remember that it might’ve been even worse; the words do I look pretty in your clothes, Stevie may or may not have been uttered.
“Hey, man, it’s no biggie. That was a million years ago and he didn’t say anything, so you’re free and clear. Totally righteous.” Argyle throws an arm around Eddie, who curls into him sulkily. Argyle’s tall and solid and kinda hot, so it’s a real shame Eddie can’t crush on him instead.
Eddie sighs. “If Jonathan weren’t here, I’d ask you to make out with me until I felt better,” he says.
“What,” says Jonathan. “You can’t—I mean, you can, and I, uh—support you? Should I leave?”
“Aw,” says Argyle, and ruffles Eddie’s hair. “That’s sweet, dude. If Jonathan weren’t here, I would.”
“What is happening,” says Jonathan. “I’m gonna—should I leave? I’m gonna leave.”
Eddie whines, “No, c’mon, stay, we’ll do that seance. That’ll make me feel better too. Maybe we can resurrect my deceased heterosexuality.”
They don’t manage to raise any ghosts or any heterosexualities, but it does make Eddie feel a little better anyway.
#cw: reference to the AIDS crisis#fic: young man what do you wanna be#yup that's the new title. yup it's from the YMCA song by the Village People.#1) it's a gay disco standard 2) it represents the level of seriousness with which you should treat this series#I genuinely do not know if this will ever be posted on AO3 because I'm putting so little effort into making it a coherent story#instead of a vehicle for eddie + jargyle interactions#ALSO I do not actually know if pipes were super common in the 80s. I did zero research on any part of this. just go with it shhh
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Chipped Nails
Pairing: Dude Ranch Era!Tom Delonge x Fem!Reader
A/N: I’ve never written for a real person before and now just characters so it was definitely new! Please lmk if you think I wrote Tom badly - other fics I’ve seen write their whole personality as ‘haha 2000s skater boy make sex joke’ which I get but I don’t love. Like they’re real people even with their childishness. I have a part two coming to this and more blink stuff!
Summary: Y/N won’t let Tom go out with his nail polish chipped while Tom struggles to keep his feelings under wraps!
Tom could hear the sound of the hairdryer going in Y/N’s room, catching a glimpse of her shadow moving around through the crack in the door. He laid on her bed, throwing a ball up and down in the air as he waited for his friend to get ready.
“The guys will be here soon you know?” he whined, kicking his feet off the end of the bed as he threw the ball higher, almost dropping it on his face when he looked up at the sound of the door opening.
“Would you stop complaining,” Y/N laughed at her friend, as she made her way to her vanity to do her makeup, dumping her products on the table and sitting down, “I’ve literally taken 5 seconds.”
“Ugh that’s too long,” Tom cries out exasperated, waving one hand around as the other keeps throwing the ball higher and higher each time.
“Damn remind me never to sleep with you then,” she laughs, turning around to look at Tom who’s face has gone bright red at his friend mentioning sleeping with him. Regardless of the thick layer of sarcasm Tom can’t help the flustered feeling that seeps into his chest at the mere mention of sex coming from Y/N. The butterflies that start to spasm in his stomach are by no means a new development in their friendship, they’ve been happening for years now, seeming to get both more intense as more impossible to act on as the years go on.
It’s been like this for as long as they’ve known each other, Tom’s been infatuated with Y/N since he first saw her, but as he found himself getting to know her more and becoming closer friends, he found himself completely lost as to how to get those feelings out of him.
Mark talked him out of his depressive rambles of how deep in the friend zone a while ago, but even as his 18-year-old angst passes for his slightly less cliché 21-year-old angst, he just can’t bring himself to say anything.
As he finds his mind wandering he brings his hand up subconsciously and starts twisting his lip piercing around, too in his own head to notice Y/N’s dreamy gaze locked on his face until he puts his hand up and she gags.
“Ew Tom,” she sits down on the bed in front of him and grabs his hand, “your nail polish is gross!”
Tom pulls his hand away in a vain attempt to dampen the heat he feels rushing to his cheeks again, “dude what the fuck? They look fine.”
“They’re chipped as fuck,” Y/N laughs, taking his hand again gently, “how do you plan on getting the girls with chipped nails Tommy?” She scolds playfully, eyebrow raised.
“The girls don’t care what they look like,” Tom smirks as he holds his hand up and wiggles his fingers, “just how they feel.”
She lets out a noise of shock, pushing his shoulder as he flops back onto the bed, “that’s gross! You kiss your mother with that mouth do you?”
He leans up on his arm to look at her, shaking his head, “nah, just yours.”
“Wow Tom. Such a charmer you are, remind me again why you don’t have a girlfriend” she rolls her eyes smiling at him, grabbing his arm to pull him back up again and closer to her, “come on then gimme your hand.”
She leans over to her vanity and grabs a bottle of black nail polish, opening it and placing the bottle in one of Tom’s hand as she holds the other. As she begins to paint his nails Tom stares in awe at his friend. His heart races at the feeling of her hand in his, soft and small compared to his large, calloused hand, his skin tingles where her fingers are each time she pulls away to move his hand slightly.
She looks so beautiful like this, hair falling in front of her face as she leans over slightly to look down at his hands; he imagines pushing it back behind her ear, letting his hand linger on her cheek as he leans in to kiss her. She’s got the prettiest lips, painted in lipstick that he so badly wants to let her leave all over his everywhere.
He’s got it bad, he knows that, but for the first time since they’ve met he wants to do something about it. Feeling bold, he moves his hand to hold hers, making her stop and look up at him through her hair.
He goes to say something but can’t, nothing charming or smooth or even stupid is coming to mind as he stares blankly at her lips. He feels her hand squeeze down on his gently as her eyes flutter closed almost in slow-motion, and together they’re leaning in.
“HEY HO! LETS GO!” violently shakes the pair from their moment as Y/N gets up startled and fumbles around on the bed to find her phone where the ringtone is blasting from, hands shaking as she tries to act casually.
“Hey hoe,” Mark’s voice sounds at the other end of the phone, Y/N barely hearing it over the sound of her heartbeat in her ears, “what the fuck are you guys doing? We’ve been calling you both for ages.”
“Ya’ll really have a warped perception of ages,” she mumbles bending down to put on her shoes as she puts the phone on speaker, “we were just getting ready.”
“Y/N was just doing my nails,” Tom yells as he grabs his jacket and quickly walks towards the door, “can’t be jacking you off without a fresh mani can I?”
#Im really proud of this#blonde tom makes me feral#tom delonge#tom delonge x reader#blink 182#blink 182 x reader#mark hoppus#travis barker#pop punk#pop punk x reader#punk#90s punk
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the way you guys treat trans masculine people. the complete inability to comprehend complex forms of transphobia and misogyny if it's not happening to someone u think looks feminine enough to experience it. you've just gone back to butchphobia but this time with the assertion that trans masculine and trans man are the same and this means it's open season and nobody who identifies as either can claim to experience misogyny cuz men don't experience misogyny (?? don't know where this idea came from but it's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard)
likeeee I'm very grateful to any and all people who give a shit about us, thanks to the trans girlies and gays and queers and all those ppl who aren't total dickheads, but wow it's so depressing how completely disposable we are to a lot of people, even other trans people.
i see people talk about the oversexualization of trans feminine people till the cows come home, and I love to see that, I love that people are aware of it, but if ya wanna talk about trans abortion or trans pregnancy or how trans ppl assigned female have the highest rates of sexual assault it's nothing. literally nothing. it's SO nothing I've seen dozens of people just incorrectly assume that transfems have the higher rate of SA, presumably because nobody fucking talks to us or listens to us or anything. don't even get me started on how multigender, agender, and other nonbinary people are ignored to reinforce the gender binary (but this time its Woke or something cuz you're saying trans masc/femme and afab/amab instead of man/woman/male/female)
trying not to be miserable but it's hard when fascism is on the rise and i keep losing my rights and it still seems like some of y'all can't comprehend the idea that theories of oppression aren't a linear scale made of categories that bigots properly adhere Oppression Points to.
this is all to say I probably need to meet more trans ppl IRL, cuz i'm going crazy seeing the awful takes of online trans people. also, and this could be its own other post, but some of us are black and that kind of changes the whole fucking situation. i imagine there's an equal issue here for ppl not from america, but i don't know about their specific circumstances. i imagine they're tired of the nonsense as well too tho.
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RDR2 Incorrect Quotes pt. 27
Pearson: What are the signs of depression?
Hosea: It depends, why?
Pearson: Arthur just dropped a deer and said, “Why has God forsaken me?” while holding up a peace sign.
After Blessed Are The Peacemakers:
Arthur: Hostage or not, sometimes it’s nice to be held.
Dutch: Nothing disturbs Arthur anymore . . . just watch this. Hey Arthur, I heard there’s an impending natural disaster headed right our way!
Arthur: Cool . . . Imma go fistfight god behind a general store.
Dutch: See, my son thrives in chaos.
Kieran: I really don’t feel like this is something we need to praise and encourage . . . I should’ve let you guys kill me when you found me.
Dutch: Hey, Hosea?
Hosea: Yeah?
Dutch: I love you.
Hosea:
Hosea: What did you do?
Arthur: How high are you?
Swanson: No, it’s “Hi, how are you?”.
Hosea: Is the pain bad?
Arthur: It’s not that bad.
Hosea: Don’t lie to yourself.
Arthur: I’m not lying to myself, I’m lying to you.
Dutch: Annabelle, I never meant to hurt you. Whenever you’re hurt I feel awful, it’s the worst, I hate it.
Annabelle: Wow. You’ve managed to make even empathy selfish.
Vet: I’m sorry, but your horse is pronounced dead.
Kieran: Oh my god
Kieran: I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong this whole time.
Bessie: This is my husband, Hosea. And this is Hosea’s husband, Dutch.
Annabelle: Wait, sorry, what’s the situation?
Bessie: Hosea is bi, so he’s straight for me, but he’s gay for Dutch, and Dutch’s really gay for Hosea. And Dutch hates me.
Dutch: It’s not that complicated.
Hosea: No . . .
Arthur: Sorry I’m late. I was . . . doing things.
Micah: *comes running up the stairs out of breath* He pushed me down the fucking stairs!
Arthur: “Push” is such a strong word. I prefer to call it “giving you a little nudge”.
Micah: Oh, I’ll give you a little nudge when I shove my foot up your ass!!
Arthur: Hey! Watch your fucking language in front of the gang leader.
Dutch:
#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#reddeadredemption2#reddead#simon pearson#hosea matthews#arthur morgan#dutch van der linde#kieran duffy#orville swanson#reverend swanson#annabelle rdr2#bessie matthews#micah bell#vandermatthews#dutch x annabelle#hosea x bessie#not a huge fan of the parks & rec quote but it’s there so#incorrect rdr2 quotes#incorrect quotes
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My last post going over my thoughts on Hazbin Hotel ended at episode 4. 8 episodes later, in honor of the season ending and also Symmetry, the rest.
It's a lot longer, so I'm ditching the bullet points and putting it under a readmore.
My largest and foremost gripe with the series as a whole (and this extends to Helluva Boss as well) is that the female cast feels weirdly underdeveloped. They're not poorly written per se, Charlie is likeable and well-realized even if she's been mostly static (vanilla protagonist?), and Vaggie did get some interesting folds when her being a former angel was revealed (I didn't know this was a fan theory btw), but Niffty's been mostly a joke, and all the same they're blown out of the water compared to the amount of screentime and focus devoted to guys like Angel Dust, Alastor, Vox, and even Husk perhaps. The good thing is that this is one of those issues where you don't have to "go back" and fix anything, you just have to give them more of a spotlight in future episodes. Which I hope they do.
I think even Christians would agree that Lucifer was always the most interesting character in the Bible, and I was excited for the show's take on him. There are shades of "Lucifer as an embodiment of freedom in contrast to God's order" which is a pretty standard read on his character, but the big thing they seemed to stress was his characteristics as a dreamer and an artist, which is pretty fresh. So introducing him stuck in a creative rut and essentially poo-pooing Charlie's dreams for the hotel is a good indicator that something's deeply wrong. It turns out that Hell is a pretty hopeless environment to be in, and his disinterest in the Hotel or helping Charlie make it succeed was because he's now riding the philosophy of "if you never chase your dreams you never get hurt when they fail", which is just depressing to hear. I have thoughts on the show's depiction and philosophy on Hell, but I'll group it with my thoughts on Heaven two paragraphs from now. Also his design fucks, I like the snake-apple-crown around his top hat, I didn't even notice his torso is meant to look like an apple core until someone else pointed it out, we stan a short king, etc. etc.
I found Heaven to be pretty interesting. I was expecting most of the angels to look more or less the same as each other, but the variety in display (some are furries, some are dudes, some are polygonal creatures) was more interesting, in addition to making me think "wow the fact that they draw from the same design pool in hell is interesting", to which my main man @arcane-nrok posited that it's because the people in Heaven and Hell are not fundamentally different from each other, where they end up depends solely on their environment and upbringing. Then Adam said nobody drinks because "there are no hard days in Heaven" and we both began pogging out of our minds.
The biggest bombshell when it comes to discussing Heaven or Hell is that despite our antagonists literally being the forces of Heaven, God has never been mentioned even once. Because of this, I have to disagree with the people claiming that Hazbin Hotel is some screed against Christianity (even though as an anti-theist, I wouldn't object if it were), and I definitely don't think it's a "fuck you mom" immature one either. It reads to me as more of a rebuttal and criticism of Christians and Christian morality than the actual religion itself. I mentioned the implications of class inequality before, that Adam more or less implies that if you have an easy life, you'll more easily find Heaven, and that if you have a harder life, you'll more easily find Hell. And while I know a lot of Christians were offended by the fact that the Angels don't seem to like the sinners and also don't seem to give much of a shit about the concept of redemption either, this reading makes sense if you imagine them not as Angels but as humans, interpreting doctrine in whatever way benefits them at the expense of others. Allegorically, Adam is the "christian who has never read the bible" who flaunts basically every rule but is de facto understood to be a "good christian" and so his behavior gets a pass as he and everyone else focuses on the shortcomings of everyone else, Lute is so ideologically locked into eating from her trash can that she's essentially been turned into a weapon focused on denouncing and punishing the unworthy, Sera is empathetic and aware of the internal incoherency and cruelties of the system he upholds but is locked into it to such an extent that she has to justify, compartmentalize, or ignore those glaring issues, and Emily is the same, except young enough that the indoctrination isn't as strong, and without the "tenure" such that she's most likely at risk to be excommunicated for her concerns. And on Hell, the great philosophical evil present over anything else is that while there may be some truly despicable people in there, the possibility of redemption must remain, to such an extent that it's positioned as an almost universal right and that the denial of it is an almost cosmic injustice (which in terms of theology and critical reading of the bible is almost as old as, the bible). Not only is the denial of redemption a tool used by the Angels to justify the existence of the system as it is (the argument of "they had their chance to get into heaven, it's too late now" is said by Adam at least twice and by at least five different sinners), but the sheer bleakness of it was enough to temporarily drain all the joy and hope from creation's first artist and dreamer. In short, the nightmare that Hazbin Hotel conjures isn't that God is cruel or unjust, but that he's been dethroned by his most fundamentalist followers.
Also Vaggie got kicked out of Heaven for refusing to kill a child, so I actually I take it back this show is extremely biblically accurate.
To suddenly jerk away from theology, philosophy, and societal critique and back to "here's my cartoon criticism", the pacing. I still maintain that if you blame anybody but the jokers who gave them eight episodes to work with, I'm going to fuck your wife, but I feel like it's been as much of a good thing as a bad thing??? The good news is that the plot is advancing constantly (as opposed to Helluva Boss which can feel dawdling and aimless), and the brisk pace means we don't have to "dwell" on things that make me groan when other shows dwell on them. Sir Pentious' introduction to the hotel, for example, could have devoted more time to the "Angel Dust feels that Pentious is a sussy amongus and also maybe a bit inadequate because the snake is an immediately better guest than him" element, or could have had Sir Pentious run away after getting caught, the attempt at redemption being a fib until he comes back a second time and stays for real. But they didn't in either case, and I feel like the episode was better for it (I was pleasantly shocked when he signed on for real). The bad news is, there's no room to breathe, meaning that everything necessarily must reach the high stakes being set by the rest of the plot, and we can't devote more time to the quieter, slower moments without making them take up the episode (as in episode 4, not that I thought that sequence was bad). Episode 7 is the embodiment of this dual nature, I think. Charlie felt hurt by Vaggie keeping secret the fact that she used to be an Exterminator, and while she felt hurt (as she should, her feelings are valid), she did ultimately resolve them after a frank talk and an exploration of what she's really feeling. Seeing that is refreshing after seeing Every Other Show turn this "plot" into a season-length dramafest, but Charlie essentially resolved this on her own with the help of Rosie, and by the time she meets up with Vaggie they've both essentially buried the hatchet without even the implication they talked to each other about it. "Deeds not words" was the big clincher for Charlie forgiving her, but I'm not alone in thinking this is some sort of mis-step, right? My hope with season 2, along with getting more episodes, please, is that they get more room to breath, but also don't "slog". A tough needle to thread, but a doable one I believe.
"Too much red." - Adam Firstman
Season 2 is a killer for a fair number of shows that end season 1 with a bang. They can enter "the sophomore slump" as they try to find their footing exploring new ground while also not fully divorcing themselves from the identity they built up in season 1. But I feel like they set up quite a number of threads to follow up on. The Angels have been defeated (RIP Adam, he sucked but he was fun to watch), Lute is still thirsty for revenge, and apparently they not only have Lilith, but they're going to deploy her soon. Pentious officially got into heaven, which will undoubtedly cause a shitstorm as redemption is proven officially possible, the Seraphim are the first to meet him, as well as "I wanna see how this goober acts in heaven". The hotel is rebuilt, and is now "on the map" seeing as how everyone knows Charlie stopped the extermination. Alastor has an ace up his sleeve with Charlie's deal, and his motives are still largely enigmatic. Vox and his cronies are emboldened and plan to make a push. There's at least three powderkegs present, with several irons in the fire nearby, which should be plenty of material to follow up with or deliver on.
My final hope is that, as I said in the last post, Hazbin Hotel feels like an improvement upon Helluva Boss's shortcomings. There's still shared issues, like the aforementioned Feminism Loss, but it knows and follows on its own premise (whereas the IMPs haven't been doing much assassinating), swears casually but only purposefully overuses it for obnoxious characters like Vox or Adam or when someone is emotionally compromised (meanwhile half of Blitzo's dialogue can bleed into a white noise of fuck words), keeps up the tension and advances the plot (as opposed to the aforementioned dawdling and aimlessness), etc. So in the same vein as my hopes that Season 2 of Hazbin Hotel follows up on its strong points while working on its weaker points, I hope Season 3 of Helluva Boss similarly learns and improves from its sister series.
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I just wanted to come on here and thank both you and @thescarlettvvitch IMMENSELY. I struggle and have struggled for what feels like my entire life, with depression, anxiety, and the list goes on and on… But, Just Pretend means so much to me. It has been my saving grace for the last few months. It’s my safe place and the amount of times that I have gone back and reread the entire thing from start to it’s current chapter, or have even gone back just to reread my favorite chapters and favorite bits, is more then all 10 fingers and toes combined lol. Music has always been something that I turned too and would submerge myself in to take me away from it all and block out all the overbearing things surrounding my brain. But lately, Just Pretend is now what I reach for when I need a place to escape to drown out the noise. Although, it’s Angel and Noah’s world, in a sense, I feel like it’s also my world too. It’s my safe place and I know that if things are feeling a little too overwhelming, I can always open the tumblr app and can count on Noah & Angel to clear my head for a bit, or for hours on end. I cannot put into words or express my gratitude enough to either of you to measure up to how much Just Pretend has helped me through these last few weeks. I absolutely meant it when I said that both of you could be writing novels that sell out and are hard to keep stocked on the book shelves every week at all the book stores. The way you both are able to write these stories and fully encapsulate all the emotions and every single character, no matter how big or small their role in the story is, is absolutely astonishing. I just wanted to leave this in your inbox because I know you both have posted about how this week has been a bit rough for the both of you. But just know, that your work has saved people and granted them happiness and a sense of purpose when they needed it the most. I will always be here to continue coming back to read Just Pretend and drown myself out in Mochi, Angel, and fruit basket citrus sock smearing Jesse’s world. Thank you again, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. I cannot wait to see what you both have come up with for the next two chapters.💗 Also, sorry this was so long!🫣
Oh wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Anon you have rendered me and @thescarlettvvitch speechless.
First off, I want to say you’re not alone. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. It’s not easy. Some days(like this past week) are really hard. So to hear that Just Pretend helps you through yours makes me fall to my knees. I’m so so glad our story can be a positive outlook on life when the darkness seems to pull you under.
My work saved people? Our silly little story about Noah Sebastian saved people? I’m just at a loss for words because we NEVER thought it would be like this. In the best way possible. You guys say it all the time that Just Pretend is the best Noah fic on here but I still don’t believe it. We just thought it would be something fun to do together. We never imagined it would turn into something so magical and life saving.
I truly believe this is what Noah meant in the Rock Sound interview. Bad Omens has brought together so many different people with different backgrounds and who are going through their own struggles and find peace in the things Bad Omens created and what others create for/ because of Bad Omens.
With all the negativity Bad Omens is getting right now, I would love to show them this. Tell them that this is what their music is doing to/for their fans and the people that support them through and through.
But then again, I truly hope Noah never finds this story 😂
Again anon, thank you so fucking much from the bottom of our hearts. You guys don’t understand how comments like this brighten our day and make this whole writing thing fucking worth it. We absolutely love you all.
Thanks for being here. And enjoy the rest of this wild fucking ride that is my blog.
#tina talks#just pretend noah sebastian#tina and sarah talks#noah sebastian#bad omens#nicholas ruffilo#nick folio#joakim jolly karlsson
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ugh religion/politics venting
* today i read the latest in the depressingly long series of incidents in the saga of, "the Southern Baptist Convention simping for the goddamn child molesters/enablers in their own church." i know i'm phrasing that in the maximally inflammatory way; i don't care. it's not like there's a whole fucking gross awful history here or anything
anyway i have felt bizarrely emotional about it, for someone who left that church over a decade ago and has no strong attachment to it otherwise. i guess it's like, i read that article and thought to myself "jfc, where are people even going nowadays, like, if your church's senior leadership sucks that much you gotta leave, right." and i was sort of tempted to call up some of my old church-y friends and ask "ok where are you going now," but... (1) hahaha a lot of my church-y friends left all churches whatsoever a long time ago, and (2) the ones who remain, like, i'm not close enough to them to ask, right? if i called them and randomly asked them intrusive questions about their Religious Organization Feelings, they would peg me as the obnoxious chick who left to go become a coastal liberal elite and now is being a dick to them. and i mean i wouldn't be trying to be a dick but i would be being awfully nosy and presumptuous, right
anyway, my wondering about that sent me down a whole rabbithole of "which congregations are actually growing in the US nowadays anyway," and while it's gratifying to see that the SBC shrinking, i don't exactly love the growth of pentecostalism in its place, right, seeing as "pentecostal brainworms" is at least partially responsible for like 50% of my trans friends getting kicked to the fucking curb by their parents the second they Deviated From The Script. so, y'know, fuck that
i did learn that the "free will baptist" denomination skews surprisingly young and, wow, what a kickass name for a denomination. i know nothing else about them but i hope they're as cool as the image in my head
...anyway, all that idle research didn't really do much to assuage how fucking weirdly furious i am over the SBC. like, i sincerely think the SBC mostly sucks and hasn't been redeemable pretty much ever, but it was also a cultural juggernaut in my youth, and one sort of hopes one's cultural juggernauts might find some way to reform into something humane, or at least fade away with grace. it's somehow secondhand humiliating and depressing to see it devolve into what i knew was always there at its core: gross old men power-tripping and protecting their own and never never never coming down on the side of anything that felt good and right in my heart of hearts
* unrelated but since i'm being unvirtuous and Politicsing On Main anyway:
every goddamn thing i've read out of netanyahu's mouth makes me want to punch his stupid face in until his skin is paste and the paste is mush and the mush is fine little bits of organic matter to feed the soil. and still the dude will not have suffered enough. not to be former-southern-baptist or anything but: i hope keeping your precious status & deliberately inflaming the most brainpoisoned rightoids in your nation & all that other shit is worth the fires of hell that await you after buddy!!!!
i don't have a Sophisticated Take on the israel/gaza stuff, but. at the end of the day i have cultivated a caveman's sense of morality, as a reaction to my tendency to over-intellectualize, and that caveman's sense of morality imo has served me pretty well, for instance: when The Big Guy is beating the everloving shit out of The Small Guy, the thing that is happening is fucked and i don't care who started it, it's gotta stop well before, i dunno, "bombing the shit out of a bunch of kids" for fucking starters. this works for an awful lot of Big Guy vs Small Guy scenarios. try it sometime
(i hate that i even remotely feel the urge to caveat it this way but to be clear: bibi & his homicidal campaign != judaism. judsaism rules, antisemitism is bullshit. but no more fucking more kids dying in a stupid campaign, ceasefirenow etc)
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i decided to make a list of 15 of my favorite plot devices
i think they're mostly in order but all things are subject to change. time to explain my passions
1. asexuals - self-explanatory. the best number one joy of all time is when there is an asexual person, canonically, and not just in my mind palace. so far no show has managed to do this except fucking shadowhunters (and bojack horseman ig but it's not my thing). i know there are people out there who can write way better than the shadowhunters writing room but i don't know why they aren't getting on this. tick tock. example: raphael shadowhunters
2. amnesia - notably different from dementia, which is depressing and bad (thinking about you, dean winchester). amnesia is only good because eventually they get it back. the best thing about amnesia is that it shows you who your Little Guy (gender neutral) is with everything stripped away from them including their sense of self. do they still go for the same kind of coffee? do they still click with the same people they used to love? can they still fight? what do they stand for? it's very rewarding when your little guy acts the same way without knowing why. it's also especially cool for action heroes bc they'll still be able to win a fight and it's like wow <3 fight scenes with emotional stakes!! also i love that it gives us a mystery to solve. sometimes a partially amnesiac character is amnesiac because they did a terrible crime. and they've got to solve it while accidentally working against their past self. fun! examples: fang from ff13. wolverine. why, who did you think i was going to use
3. brainwashing - for the same reasons as amnesia. it's the same concept: take away everything and who is your little guy? the real little guy is in there and they are working so hard to get out. also they will be sooo sad about all the crimes they did later. example: fenris dragon age. d'avin killjoys. and okay fine one other guy we're not talking about
4. enemies to lovers - what's better than two people wanting to murder each other until they don't......always a good side of bickering with this as well. main draw tho is the process of simply two people getting to know one another in the way that you can tell strangers things you can't tell your friends. it's more work to love someone when you hate them and with more work comes a better reward. also, sexual tension. example: so many. fenris/hawke. fenris/anders. botw link/zelda. john/aeryn. bonnie and damon if the cw weren't cowards and i don't even like damon i think he's unforgivably horrible (derogatory)
5. monster under the bed character - i don't know if this has a real name. it's like the One Guy (again, gender neutral) who has shaped the protagonist's whole life who is threat number one in any given situation. Primal Fear of this guy and all they represent is similar to how little kids are scared of the monster under the bed hence the name. it's not JUST an arch enemy or an antagonist it's like. the only enemy that matters. not a bad guy but THE bad guy. if you can boil someone's issues down and stuff them all into a single person and then also make that person scary. and then also they can fight!! fuck yeah fight scenes!!! if you're really lucky this will overlap with either somebody's parent or somebody's ex. examples: AUGH SO MANY. for dean winchester it's yellow eyes. for sam winchester it's lucifer. for fenris it's danarius. for jace wayland it's valentine. for dutch killjoys it's khlyen. for anakin skywalker it's palpatine. for derek hale it's kate argent. going nuts just thinking about it
6. reluctant assassins - crucially if they don't care about being assassins it doesn't work for me (sorry kassandra asscreed). i went into this in more detail here but your assassin simply Must be compromised in some way so they can regret all their little crimes later. otherwise what's the point?? this overlaps so thoroughly with brainwashed iedk if it should count as its own entry but whatever. examples: fenris dragon age. dutch killjoys. d'avin killjoys. elliot leverage. and the other one
7. two-person love triangle - this is a very specific sub-example of secret identities in general which ARE good except they're usually in superhero media and i am really just so totally fucking over the entire CONCEPT of superheroes. anyway it's when one person has a secret identity and the other person forms a relationship with their "real" identity and their "secret" one. and then they feel conflicted about loving two people at once and having to choose but SURPRISE it's the same person! i like this because it has anti love triangle energy. lots of romantic tension and none of the dumb fucking YA bullshit. (apologies to YA.) example: arthur and merlin (who is also "emrys" at least in fanfic)
8. 4th wall shit - when the piece of media is in your house with you. i don't feel i need to clarify further than this because dr gaster is probably spying on me as we speak. examples: everything toby fox has ever made. s*pernatural, sometimes. i also had a deeply haunted experience with final fantasy x.
9. last guy (gender neutral) standing - part of a team or group that got tragically mcmurder prior to the start of the story and this person is so terribly sad about it. crucially this has to be a side character whose relationships with dead people are more important than or equally important to their relationships with the current living cast members. character deaths you almost agree with because then at least they can be with their fallen buds. examples: auron from ffx, noel from ffxiii
10. immortal characters - for the same reasons as above but also they CAN'T DIE EVER so they don't even have that to look forward to. also sometimes they wind up being science experiments. examples: jesse turner from @cambionverse (sorry jesse)
11. evil doppelganger - usually this is in video games where they just take the sprite or the polygons and recolor them to be black but also you have some mirrorverse/au shit going on sometimes and then there's evil twins, and shapeshifters, and clones...i love when everybody gets tricked into thinking somebody is doing crimes but actually theyre just out here and it's their evil double causing problems on purpose and not even being the one to go to jail forever because of it. also, when the evil double has mind-reading powers or whatever b/s to 1. make them a better trickster 2. to make them better at precision-point roasting of whomstever they look like. also acceptable: when you little guy just suddenly turns fucking evil and/or gets possessed and you have to cure them to get them back. idk maybe that should go under brainwashing. examples: dutch and aneela. link and dark link. zelda and the puppet. soulless sam. demon dean. hullen johnny.
12. fire powers - WHO doesn't love a little arson...i feel like this is the same concept behind werewolves which boils down to "fear of anger" bc with anger comes the loss of control and the devastating fallout... your fire guy (gender neutral but idk any fire girls) has to have a lot of self control or they'll fuck everybody up. they're very dangerous! not unlike assassins. also, fire is pretty. bonus if they have done crimes before either on purpose or on accident. examples: jesse turner again, roy mustang aka the OG fireguy, prince zuko
13. big damn reunion - when two people are split up with little to no chance of ever seeing each other again and then they do anyway. this is why i'm never mad when they bring characters back from the dead. examples: i'm actually totally blanking on these, i feel like it tends to happen in fic so much more often. also i've been writing this list awhile
14. time travel - i love! time travel! i love when people see an apocalyptic future and go back and fix it (chrono trigger, ff13). i love when there's a stable loop (tears of the kingdom) or a paradox (song of storms in ocarina of time). i love visits to the ancient past (skyward sword). i love when there's just an actual fucking timeloop (s*pernatural). it's really good!!! examples: oops i just listed them all
15. body swap - last but not least i think it is so fun when two people wind up living each other's lives. it's more fun in tv when people get to switch which character theyre playing but it's good in any form because what a way to get to know someone and also the endless potential for shenanigans. examples: dreamless (webcomic), your name, various episodes of tv shows many of which are bad (s*pernatural's was extremely bad).
ok, that's the list. originally it was 10, then 13, then 15, so i think i'd better stop here.
#personal#liz loves writing#i guess#it's stupid to post this at midnight but if i stick it in my drafts for later i'll never see it again#i'm mostly talking to myself anyway lol
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My thoughts while watching the episodes of OFMD season 2:
(I’ll add more as episodes come out)
Ep 1:
• BABE!!! Babe!!! Stede so delusional I love him
• Swede and Jackie I didn’t know I need this
• Them working Jackie’s is everything
• Who the fuck is Ricky?
• EDS BACK TATTOO 👀
• Jim looks so fucking good omg
• wow okay guess Ivan’s DEAD 😟
• Frenchie talking about repressing everything is me
• Ed is a heart broken girl 😭
• Is Ed doing coke? 👀
• Izzy looks rough
• Not Izzy crying omg
• not me and Pete saying that’s a lot of husbands at the same time
• Oh my God, stede is delusional talking to wanted posters and shit
• Swede is husband number 20 🫢
• What are husbandly duties?
• Is izzy gonna cry in front of Blackbeard? I’m going to literally cry, stop.
• Ed is also delusional
• HE FUCKING SHOT IZZY OMG 😱
• Not you’ve been rick’d
• OMG HES THE NOSE GUY FROM THE TRAILER!!!!
• Omg Susan’s hot
• The lady with the whip needs to calm down
• I feel so fucking bad for fang
• Jim and fangs friendship is everything to me
• Ed looks like a goddess honestly
•Omg love the after credit scene
Ep 2:
• Ed is so heartbroken I just want to hold him
• He’s having a depressed bbg moment and laying on the floor crying
• Not Zheng boat being called the red flag 🚩
• OMG OMG OMG LUCIUS
• I am so ready for more Pete and Lucius scenes
• I already knew this, but Lucius looks good with a beard honestly
• Not Lucius saying he fell off the ship. Not him making lies for Ed
• Calling buttons sea witch my God
• Ed looks so good 🤭
• I’m so glad that he actually told Stede that Ed pushed him
• I love whatever plot this is with buttons
• “He’s our dick” 😭
• this is so cute but also it’s so heartbreaking all of the shit going on with the Jim
• Not the pirate queen having a crush on all in Olu
• I love Lucius standing up for himself, and how he feels honestly
• Lucius snapping at Pete 👀
• Izzy standing up for himself is everything to me.
• “ I loved you best I could” 😭😭😭😭
• People putting their hands up peoples asses “Human puppet” I-
• Ed’s a fucking lunatic, steering them into a storm
• I wanna protect Izzy with my whole heart
Ep 3:
Text
• I love the pirate queen so much
• Stede jumping over the side of the boat 🤣
• Omg they’re feral
• Everyone’s refusing to give stede a straight answer
• Oh my God Ed’s Old captain🫢
• I’m not ready for Jim and Olu to talk
• Nvm Olu seems to be handling it well
• Izzy looks rough
• I love where they’re taking Izzy’s character this season
• I love that Izzy is trying to actually work with stede so that the crew doesn’t suffer anymore from their mistakes 😭
• Not Ed being called Eddie (I’m obsessed)
• “Girl how are you?” it’s probably my favorite line this season so far
• Zheng is so beautiful
• Ed is playing make-believe, and he’s so precious for it 🥺
• Jeff’s inn by the sea (so cute)
• I think Ed and horngold honestly need to go stand in the corner and just take a minute
• Bro, got his neck snapped and then snapped his neck back into place. How the fuck do you even do that 😮
• Omg is horngold not even real?!?!
• Wow ok Ed’s having a “ let’s work through this trauma” dream
• I can’t deal with Izzy crying, now I am crying 😭
• It 100% brakes Izzy’s heart so much more that Stede didn’t even reply to him after Stede thinks Ed is dead
• Ed’s just in purgatory 🫢
• I love that on Ed’s pros and cons list he put intercourse and then followed that up by and Orgasms
• Zheng is so horny
• Stede being Towel boy is amazing
• Lucius looks so cute
• They’re doing a real bad job of being quiet when they’re trying to escape the pirate queen
• I feel so bad for Zheng poor girl is heartbroken
•Not Izzy thanking stede 😭
• Ed is working through some trauma
• STTTTOOOOOP IM SOOOBBBING 😭
• Not merman Stede 🤣
Ep 4:
• Stede is so delusional it’s sad
• Izzy is going through it
• “ you’re not a fucking mermaid” 🧜♀️
• They just need to fucking communicate, and the shit could be resolved partially
• Meanwhile, buttons on his side, quest trying to turn into a bird
• 🥺 there’s somethings so sad yet adorable about him opening up to the rabbit, but his fear of spiders 🕷️
• 😮 oh my God the rabbits dead 💀 🐇
• Anne Bonney 😳
• “Him?” 🏳️⚧️
• Ed’s such a bbg
• Izzy is in his alcoholic era
• The Exes energy from Ed and Stede is so awkward 😐
• “I like your beard the length”. (Softly) “Thank you” 😭
• The horny energy between these women I love it but also, I’m so scared right now
• “ Eddie was crazy to let you go” 😭😭
• I am already so uncomfortable because I feel like this woman’s putting the moves on stede and he is a very gay man
• Is Anne about to just die?
• These women are so crazy and horny. She poisoned her.
• Everyone’s so traumatized
• “Yeah, babe” 😭
• Izzy is my poor alcoholic baby
• I think he fought the front mantle of the boat and cut off its legs 🫤
• 🫣 i’m not ready for the hurt
• That’s the look on Ed’s face when he finds out stede left him for Mary kills me
• Ed’s literally so damaged
• Stede just asked if he could explain… I am really hoping this leads to him talking about being brought out into the woods that night
• 😭 I’m not crying you’re crying
• This hurts 😭
• He needs to explain the fucking woods. 😡
• of the toxicness of this lesbian relationship is so fucked
• The crew working together to build Izzy’s new leg
• oh they made him cry 😫
• Buttons with the bowl on his head is amazing 🤣
• I don’t know if I wanna believe it, but did buttons really just turned into a fucking bird? 🤣
• 🥺😭 Ed’s voice when he was talking to Stede about buttons Turning into a seagull, literally made my heart melt
• The show is going to be the death of me
• “for the new unicorn” feels like an affectionate way of calling Izzy a slur
Ep 5:
• “Big massive heartfelt Thank you for allowing me back into this community.” What a way to respond after all the shit he’s done. 🤣
• They’re making him wear a cat color 😭🤣
• Cat collars Really adding onto his bbg status
• “Safe space ship” 🚀✨
• Bro, I really hope buttons actually turned into a bird or else they just left him 🤣
• Oooo the flag
• Honestly, Lucius Kinda has a point with the whole Edward not saying “I’m sorry” but then again, I don’t know if Edwards ever actually had to say the words “I’m sorry”
• I am still so here for the chemistry that’s weirdly between Lucius and Izzy
• Ed trying to get Stede to be more commanding with the whole “I’m your captain” thing just feels like he’s trying to teach Stede to be more commanding in a kinky way
• “ work on your mean voice” 😭🤣
• I feel like they just need to stop calling him Blackbeard all together if they want to at some point move past this even though it’s going to be hard
• “Punch me” Now it feels like Izzy and stede are flirting
• I love fang he’s a sweet little guy, but I feel like fang might try to leave Ed somewhere in the ocean
• Pentagram on a boat
• Stede is the most cis man I have ever seen because he’s told something is cursed and then grabs something anyway
• But at least he looks fucking adorable when he’s doing his little ✨twirl✨
• “I did a punch” 🤣
• Stede being all twirly so cute 😂🥺
• The drawing of Blackbeard’s face on a flower and a dog is definitely images I’m going to think about for a while🤣 just because I wasn’t expecting to see that at any point
• “ I woke up in the morning thinking I heard your voice” 😭😭😭😭
• “When Blackbeard isn’t living rent free in your head” 🤣 some thing I was not expecting to ever hear in this show
• I love that just collectively both roach and Frenchie believe in fairies (definitely fanfiction material there)
• I can’t get over how fucking ✨twirly✨stede is
• I guess Ed does know how to say sorry at least a little bit. He just apologized to fang
• I just want Lucius and Izzy to kiss
• Man, I kinda wanna see Frenchie and roach kiss now
• Long story short, everybody should just kiss each other
• “ do you think you talk so much because you don’t want to know how to sit with yourself?” 😭
• Fang wants him to shut the fuck up so badly
• Poor Frenchie is having like a peanut allergic reaction
• I loved the 👌👌 from Izzy to Stede
• Awwww he did a face mural of Pete 🥺🥺
• Stooooooop They are so cute. Oh my God. They’re engaged. 😭😭
• Not Ed using the “you wear fine things well” line or stede 😭😭
• The little shoulder thing Ed did 🥺💕
• Fzvcwfayzgv THEY KISSED AGAIN😭🥺
• I love that they’re having the conversation of taking things slow and waiting
• They’re holding hands 😭😭
• Apparently Fangs real name is Kevin would’ve never guessed
• 400 Years of Kevin
• I love that Ed’s learning things about people that he never knew
• I know it’s only episode five, but I was expecting to cry so much more than I have And I know I shouldn’t say that because who knows what the next few episodes are going to hold
• It’s honestly so cute to see Ed fishing even if I fucking hate fishing myself
Ep 6:
• who the fuck is this violin playing fool?
• Izzzy😭
• Feeling like a snake, move like a snake 🐍
• “Doooo weeee?” I love fang so much
• Fucking Ricky’s back
• He’s honestly just an angry little gay
• Ed giving the kids knifes is such a dad thing to do
• I don’t know if I’m imagining things but does Ricky have different noses for different outfits ?
• Wee John doing drag make up is so iconic
• “The fucks a look?” 🤣
• wee John and Izzy a friendship I didn’t know I needed
• They’re using Stedes tub as a punch bowl 🤣
• Omg wee John looks so good 🥺
• Stooooop Izzy singing 😭😭
• His voice is so good 😭
• I am living for whatever Olu, Archie and Jim got going on
• Fucking guy ruining their cute little party
• “ dirty bag of pirate” I- wow okay rude 😂
• Any Type of torture with Ed feels horny
• “What ever this it’s just going to turn me on” ~ Izzy 👀wow okay
• I love Pete and Lucius 🥺
• Zheng is such a girl boss
• I love that stede just cause that dudes crew to so quickly mutiny
• God all pirates are so horny
• Fucking hitting that dude off with the violin 🎻 Is the 2nd best thing this episode
• 🥺 Ed checking in on Stede 😭so sweet
• Nvm it’s horny again
• Izzy has a angel voice (angel auto corrected to bagel 😭🤣)
• THE BOYS!! THE BOYS ARE MAKING OUT!!!
• I could listen to Izzy sing all day
• ARE THEY FUCKING?!?!? 👀 OMG
• But also those curtains are not gonna cover anything 🤣
• They have a fucking goat now! What’s his name? 😭
#our flag means death#they’re so gay#ofmd spoilers#ofmd season 2#ofmd 2#ofmd#ofmd s2#I love these gay old men
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The sheer amount of times I have heard someone go "oh me oh same yea that's me!" about some depressed person or thing; only to then turn around and be the least understanding person in the room when it comes to someone else having symptoms of depression is honestly staggering.
I feel like "depression" has just become this funny little word we throw around that no one understands to the point where if you're ACTUALLY depressed it's aggravating to hear. Because you exhibit one minor symptom of depression and it's this whole thing about how annoying you are or how you're no fun to be around or whatever but then the second it's some quirky cute thing to "be depressed" in an anime or tv show or game; you hear all these people say "oh lol that's so me!" No it's not, it's fucking not dude.
Yea I understand "everyone experiences different things with the same problems" and while that's true, you also gotta remember:
We have clinical definitions of these things because there are ENOUGH symptoms that EVERYONE experiences if they're experiencing The Thing. That's how we know you have DEPRESSION and not something else like "you're sad" or "you're bored" or whatever.
A lot of these people are younger kids from what I've seen and I genuinely don't believe they have an understanding or grasp of what a real mental disorder is (I'm not saying everyone who is young is like this, trust me I've met plenty of minors who know damn well what depression is, and I've met plenty of adults well into their 50's who DO NOT.)
Never the less it's just bothersome to be going through some shit and hear someone basically say "I have that quirky cute disorder!" only to exhibit a symptom that is not quirky, nor cute and have everyone look at you like that awkward party meme, you know the one.
Self aware "depression" time, if you aren't understanding of why someone might be experiencing:
Insomnia (like actual insomnia, not "I just downed 5 energy drinks and now I TOTALLY like, have insomnia guys")
Anxiety
Apathy
General feelings of hopelessness.
MOOD SWINGS
Agitation
General slowness in activities
Irritability
Social Isolation
Repetition of thoughts
(AND THIS ISN'T AN EXHAUSTIVE LIST AT ALL!)
But you still see them go through this shit and think they're just an asshole or some shit, and you look at them like THIS
You likely don't ACTUALLY have "depression" you likely just think it's cute and quirky to have a disorder and depression is the easiest for you to pretend you have.
I say this because as someone who has had MULTIPLE mental disorders my whole life it's not hard to identify your own among others.
I'm not saying I have some authority to diagnose people or any formal training, what I AM saying is that I see someone going through these things and typically my first thought is "oh shit those are an awful lot of signs you're experiencing depression my friend, you may want to consider seeing someone about that." NOT "wow, you good dude? You're kinda bitchy..."
This is true of multiple things like ADHD, Autism, Depression, etc
If you've got something as serious as depression (yes a life threatening, serious disorder) you typically do your research to figure it out a bit better because not doing so will ruin your life. You typically know symptoms of your disorder/mental illness; and can identify them in others as well as yourself.
I know this isn't anything new for people but BOY have I been experiencing it a LOT lately and well, it might just be my depression making me irritable; but I'm losing it man.
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Mentions: suicide, addiction, homophobia, and fake friends
Maybe I Don't Have to End It All
Henry Emily x Willow (my OC) fanfic
This is a picture of my OC to get a clear picture of her
Willow was listening to her friends yap on and on about trash talk as she sat in the bustling bar. The radio was playing the country station (which is her least favorite genre of music) as people played pool in the background and talked to each other.
Willow watched her so called friends talk to each other and the table, like they were not even aware she was there at all. Like she was some ghost. They were sitting in dresses with heavy makeup trash talking about every single inconvenience in their lives.
Willow was not like that at all. She was just simply dressed in a band shirt (the band is Queen) and black jeans with a belt, with green eyes and black short hair to her shoulders. She was also exhausted always, and instead of complaining all the time about other people, she would usually blame herself.
Blame herself for trusting her friends. She knew they were just using her, but they won't let her go and we're like a parasite, clinging on for their own good, no one else.
They didn't care how much pain she was in as long as they got their way. They don't care if she died. They would just go to the club and forget anything happened, like everyone else would. But then she had the alcohol to number her pain. And she only had one person.
Henry
She met him at the older diner He was around 33 when she had met him and she was about 27. He was a very nice guy at the time, but then his daughter was murdered. His whole life fell apart, he abandoned everyone, he was left in unbearable pain and suffering. She tried to make her come back to life with robots. He was a mess.
But why would she judge she wasn't any better. She understood his pain. His suffering. His agony.
All of a sudden, her friend spoke up.
"Hey Willow." Samantha greeted, her long blonde hair behind her back. "So how are you doing? Sitting on your couch all day, chugging alcohol like the casual, boring, depressed you."
"Wow how did you know Sam." She sarcastically stated, while she took a swig of her drink, slamming it down with annoyance. "Why would you mention that everything there is talked about in this God forsaken world?"
Sam chuckled with her friends like school girls in high school. "Well, yeah would, since you're such an emotional mess. Everyday I wake up, thinking when you decide to end it all, to be honest. You look like your suicidal, and you should have stayed in that padded cell back in the mental hospital."
They were basically just trying to play with her emotions right now. She was suicidal. She was a mess. They wanted her to go die. They only saw her as a toy they can play with and leave it all broken when they are finished. Angrily, Willow stood up out of her seat, silencing he friends chattering. She eyed them drunkly with anger, before turning away and walking to the exit.
"Fuck this, IM OUT GO FUCK YOURSELVES!" She stormed out of the bar. She didn't care what people thought about her. She didn't care if she thought she was some mindless monster or an angst 30 year old with no life and future. Her life was fucked already. Everyone left her.
Holding back tears, she went to her car and started it after closing the door on it. She pulled out the address to Henry's house.
Hey Willow this is my address, if you want to come over some time
Love, Henry
She thought about him. His dark brown eyes, his short brown greasy yet soft hair, his light flannels, his smell of oil and cheap cologne, his smile. She was the only person who cared about her well being. She was questioned why he cared about her, no one else did, except her parents, who had died in a fire when she was six years old.
She started to drive to his house, her getting a gut in her feelings that something was horrendously wrong that was going on.
.....
She arrived in his car parking lot. She stepped out of the car. It has stopped raining, the sun peering at her, the smell of rain tainted the air. She walked up to his door, entering, knowing it was unlocked.
The house was a mess and looks like he hasn't cleaned it up in a while. She entered his living room to see him standing in front of a bare Endo skeleton, that looks about the size of a grown person, with a knife as hand instead of another hand. It struck her.
This was the robot Henry was fantasizing about ending it all for him.
Henry noticed her in the corner in his eyes as he turned the robot. It started to wind up as he looked at her with wide eyes.
"Willow?! what are you-"
Willow didn't waste any time. She ran over to him, lunges at him pushing him out of the way of the robot as she felt something cold and painful enter her body.
They both landed on the ground and they both breathed heavily. He finally looks down at her with surprise and concern in his eyes. His gaze then filled with fear and slight panic as he looked down to her side.
She looks down to see what it was. It was a massive wound on her stomach to the base of her chest. It was swelling with a ton of blood and she was starting to become light headed. Henry then got up, picking her up, as she started to pass out.
"I'm so sorry Willow. I owe you my life. Don't worry I'll save you, you'll be alright." Those were the last words she heard him speak to her before she passed out.
....
She slowly opened her eyes painfully, taking in her surroundings. She was in a bedroom, but not a hospital one yet. Her core was painfully sore, bandaged up. She sat up and rubbed her head. Where was she? Where was Henry?
Henry was sitting in a chair beside her, his eyes relieved and tearing up. He hugged her gently, hugging him back, smelling in his scent
"I'm so glad you're alright Willow. I wouldn't want to lose you too."
Someone cared about her. Out of all of these years, she found someone that would never back stab her, or leave her.
Henry pulled away, smiling slightly, his gentle gaze falling on her.
"You know you're very lucky. You lost a lot of blood and some organs got damaged. I had to use some of the Charlie bot technology to save your life. If you haven't been saved earlier, you would have slipped away."
His smile faded away with a saddened look on his face as he drew in a painful breath. "I'm sorry this happened to you."
"No it's okay Henry. You didn't caused he to get injured. I chose to do this because I wanted to save you. I understand what you go through..." She grabbed his gently.
"Do you.. want to talk about it with me." He asked, helping her sit up, and sat beside her.
She explained to him about her toxic friends, her addiction to alcohol, the fire that had killed her parents and the unbearable pain she had to witness every day.
"It's just so hard every day...to know everybody thinks you're a monster...and everyone leaves...and knowing you can't change, no matter what happens. Many times I just wanted to end it all...."
She was struggling to be talking, her eyes heavy with tears, threatening to spill.
"But I remember you...and I'm nothing without you. You're the only one in my life...that would actually stay....."
Tears fell down her face as she finally let her pain out. Henry pulled her in an embrace rubbing he back trying to soothe her. She cried into his shoulder, his white flannel getting wet with her tears. After a while that felt like an internity. Henry sadly smiled.
"At least it's good to know I'm not alone in this. I also destroyed that suicide bot, so you don't have to worry about me killing myself anymore."
"Thank you Henry" She said, fixing her posture.
Henry then stood up, helping her up with him.
"I know a place where we can go to cheer up" He started, trying to brighten the mood. "It's the tree I usually go with Charlie."
"Oh of course I would love to."
Henry pulled up to the spot, parking near the road. He got out of the car to help Willow out of it. The sun was setting, bird sounds were heard in the distance and they went up the hill. As they got up, they could see most of Hurricane down there.
They sat down against the rough texture of the tree. She leaned her head on his shoulder, her feeling comforted by his touch. They talked about their lives and laughed together a little bit before Henry needed to tell her something.
"Hey Willow...you're the only one I ever think about besides Charlie. You understand me more than anyone, and I don't see you as a monster or a bitter person. You are a selfless person who would do anything to protect who they love. You see who you really are." He chuckled slightly as he turned towards her, his soft gaze falling into hers. "I think I might have fallen for you."
Willow smiled back, looking into his eyes. "I think I feel the same way about you Henry. You always make me feel like I'm not alone in this cruel world, like we can move on with this forever.
Henry smiled and cupped her cheek with his palm, wrapping her other arm around her. His nose was touching hers as he gently paced his lips on hers and kissed her. It was soft and gentle but then got more deeper and passionate, she wrapped her arms around him, as if he was to disappear if she let go.
They pulled away, a small trail of saliva from their mouths. They placed their foreheads on each other, looking at each other lovingly.
"I love you Willow."
"I love you too Henry."
Maybe she didn't have to end it all.
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2.1 rant (from someone who loves aventurine)
i already complained to friends about 2.1 but i still need to vent while i drink my morning coffee. i'm really not happy about not liking that patch much despite it being focused on the character i was waiting for almost a year and it confuses the hell out of me when people praise this patch's story...
i know we're talking about genshin's fandom and they're notorious for having no taste or media literacy ('genshin is so good at telling stories, i don't understand anything at all' said someone on the forum unironically) but let me remind you that the whole patch is told from the perspective of a character who just appeared in the story. not a friend, not even a long-time rival. my big problem with star rail (especially after how h3rd followed kiana closely) is that it doesn't treat its main character... like a main character? it constantly robs the trailblazer of a context and an agenda in every story past the prologue. penacony started really strong with shifting the focus back to the trailblazer and yet somehow we got back to the luofu's level of storytelling in one (!) patch. as much as i love aventurine and was excited to learn his tragic backstory, this patch was ridiculous if you remember that the trailblazer and not him is the main character.
you know how in genshin you can't have npcs living their own life with the traveler and paimon following everyone everywhere and there's no escaping them? they must know and see everything, even if it doesn't concern them? i can't believe i'm saying it but it would nice to have a bit of this annoying trope in star rail because the trailblazer has no freaking idea what was aventurine's deal the whole time. from their perspective they promised to be allies and investigate the murder cases together, then the trailblazer went to grab some drinks in a bar... and then aventurine attacked them out of nowhere. that's it, that's the story from the main character's perspective. wow, such a good writing... aventurine was yapping about his tragic past for 4 hours TO HIMSELF the whole time. i'm pretty sure he knows his own story??? and don't get me wrong, i don't think that we need to follow every single character but it doesn't make any sense to have a whole big patch dedicated to a random guy who just showed up in the story if they don't plan to alleviate his status to a friend or a companion. luofu's story was terrible but at least dan heng is our friend, so it makes a little bit of sense to follow him, and not the trailblazer to get to know his story. aventurine is a no one to us.
and also i need to complain about it otherwise i'll combust. as much as i appreciate that star rail didn't need 30 hours *cough* endwalker *cough* to come to a conclusion that life is ultimately meaningless we all die so make your own meaning while you still live, it feels so terribly unearned that instead of coming to it on his own, acheron comes to aventurine and just TELLS him. and it would have been okay if the game didn't touch such heavy themes like depression and suicide (cocona's story made me cry the other day) only for the writers suddenly decide that their audience is tiny silly babies who need every single plot-point being spoon fed to them... it makes me violent honestly.
4 hours of boring cutscenes from 1 or 2 angles is already a torture. 4 hours of boring cutscenes that have nothing to do with the main plot of the expansion or the main character... 2.1 isn't a continuation of 2.0. it's a glorified personal quest, and it shouldn't had been there so soon, not until we dealt with the major conflict. if you really wanted to repeat 3.3 from genshin, then at least give us and the character whom the narration usually follows a reason to care for him. idk i want to love this story, but i can't stop thinking about how caelus was mixing drinks while aventurine had the worst day in his life.
also i don't want to talk about it much but. fucking. firefly. killed. my. hype. i'm sorry but listening to sam's voice with her uwu moe intonations was... a bad experience. maybe i'm a cold-hearted hater, but her whining on that roof was a huge red flag to me the last patch. suuuuuure you're soooo not going to die to milk emotions out of me only for them to bring you back because weebs are going to whale for you two patches later. uh huh.
and also also i'm so mad we can't have a cool robot guy, no it's gotta be a little girl. forget that this whole 'plot-twist' ruined the drama of the previous patch, i can't stop thinking how STUPID the stellaron hunters are now. immortal blade who seeks the release from his misery, enigmatic and charming kafka who plays the hearts like she players her violin... and two schoolgirls, one of which is a cool hacker and the other is completely useless but have big armor suit. like REALLY why is she there? next thing we know elio will turn out to be a twelve year old girl too. i'm so tired of mhy coming up with really solid ideas only to throw any hint of diversity into a trash bin. instead of having siobhans and svarogs we keep getting fireflies and ruan meis and it kills me.
#hsr stuff#hsr critical#also firefly hate under the cut#i really don't want to go back to the luofu's wriring :(#it really sucks to have expectation when playing mhy games#but until they add a skip button i'm going to read and watch and criticize the bad writing if i can't escape it
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the gaylor thing is so harmful because it shouldn’t even fucking matter, but it turned into this giant discourse that’s directly affecting so many different people in so many different ways… taylor herself, the men she’s seen with, the girls she’s seen with, young queers who might have felt safe in that particular community and are now feeling marginalised and attacked (my coming to terms with myself experience had a lot of “oh if they’re so aggressive about XX being gay, they’ll be just as aggressive with me” - like these are teenagers we’re talking about, literal children that may’ve found comfort in that part of the community, that felt validated and seen) ((i’m obviously excluding grown ass adults that keep pushing the gaylor agenda from this particular example)), just anyone who got/gets caught up in this fucked up narrative - it’s a mess
but the main thing for me is like who the fuck cares who taylor swift is fucking/has fucked!? that’s a weird thing to speculate on, it’s such an invasion of privacy, it’s literally no one’s business
-
i’m gay so every other song i listen to is gay (to me) sometimes.
like avril lavigne’s girlfriend… wow gayest song ever… TO ME!! when i’m singing it in the car with my friends having a laugh about my life and reminiscing about this girl i had a crush on in sixth form “hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend // hey hey you you i want to be your girlfriend”
in that moment, for me, it’s a song about three girls, about my situation and only that — which is completely okay and not at all harmful!!
it’s the same as when i’m jamming to ed sheeran’s “i don’t wanna know about your new man ‘cause if it was meant to be, you wouldn’t be calling me up trying to, cause i’m positive that he don’t wanna know about me” thinking about this bi girl who left me for a guy - ed obviously didn’t write this song to portray that story
like please, if i sing “i knew you dancing in your levi’s” about my masc ex gf or if my cousin sings it about a fuckboy from her uni, what’s the difference?? that’s what art’s all about..
for example, rwylm is my favourite song because it encapsulates perfectly how i feel about my depression: help! i’m stuck!! everybody has moved on and continues to do so but i have this giant weight holding me back!! in my head i’m still the same as i was at 23!! my friends and family have accomplished things, the world has moved on and i can’t figure out how to!! i’m right where happiness left me!!
i don’t interpret it as a relationship/breakup song at all, which was pretty blatantly written as.
my interpretation doesn’t harm anyone bc i don’t shove this perspective down anyone’s throat, nor do i state it to be the ultimate truth. i just use the song for catharsis and comfort.
taylor’s songwriting is very nuanced and that’s good art!! it’s good to have a broad audience that can relate to all these core feelings you’re emoting, each in their own way, but it’s just creepy to speculate about someone’s (a stranger’s!!!) sex life, queer or straight alike.
taylor’s songs can be gay… or they cannot. not because they were written that way, not because she is or isn’t queer, but because of the way everyone personally experiences it.
i wish this was the common ground in the fandom bc i’d love to publicly joke on my blog that “hits different is sooo having your first girlfriend after only dating boys” without people interpreting it as me claiming that taylor is a wlw and coming at me with death threats and (more often than not) homophobic narratives. it would literally just be a silly text post that some people might relate to, or find funny, simple as. it wouldn’t be me pushing someone’s sexuality, bc (1). i wouldn’t; (2). it’s not that deep (as seen by the many examples i shared)
personally i’d just love to listen to my gay little music (that’s not necessarily factually gay) and ramble about it with on my silly little blog to my little internet friends without it being a whole thing (tm) which gaylors have made
idk this is just a rant bc it makes me sad… everyone should be free to enjoy music as they wish and most importantly everyone should learn to not gamble/theorise on people’s sexuality - it’s frankly very unsettling
so!! many!!! good!! points!!! yes yes yes!!!
it's sooo weird to care about who taylor is with. it literally does not matter and it does have negative affects, she's said so herself.
i've only seen a few discussions about the negative affects this whole gaylor thing has had on people who are queer and obviously i cant speak to it, but i didnt even realize it could totally affect y'all negatively due to it's intensity, that makes total sense and could be really intimidating.
and what you said about those songs and your examples is so!! true!!! thats your interpretation and thats beautiful! it's yours and thats what makes the songs, or any art in general, come alive. you're making it your own and giving it meaning and depth with your own layered experience. that's unique and your painting it with your own colors! no one else has those exact colors! it's yours! and thats amazing!
a great example of how individual, personal experiences can make interpreting a song so much deeper and more meaningful, you saying you view rwylm about your personal experience with depression... i view it through my relationship with my anxiety and the trauma it's caused me! and that's so cool how 1 song can mean so many things like a relationship to a person, depression and anxiety? thats so magical and much more meaningful than just simply speculating about which of her exes its about...
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