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#and once again nothing fucking changes
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it’s about getting everything you want and it not being enough and it not being what you wanted. you thought you wanted respect and now you think you have it but do you? you wanted to be a part of the family but did you ever? you love them you love them you love them but loving them is violence loving them is loss loving them is hard. you’ve done it anyways. now you should be happy you should be happy you should be happy but you aren’t because this isn’t what you wanted. you wanted a fantasy and this is too real. you just wanted a family now there’s blood on your hands and in your mouth and your mother would raise a stake to your heart without a thought and did you ever really want this?
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bonebabbles · 3 months
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I keep starting and abandoning posts that go into my drafts, as I try to stay tasteful about how fucking revolted this part makes me. Like, I'm legitimately unsure if the very relevant trauma I have is making me see things that aren't here
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But first we see that Star Flower is trying to ingratiate herself to the group, just after she reappears from chapter 5. Chapter 5 is about how Clear Sky is still abusive towards his son, and she comes in after stroking his ego, stressing how alone she is, and appealing to how she'll be loyal unlike his child. (She glances over at Thunder, directly implying this.)
Now in Chapter 9, she's babysitting and trying to care for Milkweed's kits (in spite of discomfort from Milkweed), taking a wet sleeping space away from the others, and pulling more than her own weight "without complaint." Putting herself through harsh sitations to prove her worth.
All while trying to appear extra attractive to Thunder, and later Clear Sky. Basically every man in power who can "protect her"
Like, am I going fucking crazy? With how we later find out that Star Flower was "promised as a mate" to One Eye's subordinate Slash, is... is that hypersexualization? One of the extremely stigmatized symptoms of sexual abuse?
She goes to find Clear Sky alone to throw herself at his paws, and he's very quickly attracted to how she promises to perfectly obey him, have no needs of her own, and finally be the perfect servant that he desires
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"I don't deserve your trust because I am dirt. I understand you because I also regret something. I'd die for you. I'll never betray you unlike those who have."
This isn't manipulation. She means this. The story is playing their romance sincerely. She's comparing "betraying" Thunder by telling her own father about an assassination ambush to Clear Sky's history of child abuse, physical assault, and murder
She believes she's on the same level as this; a monster who murdered a childhood friend in a fit of entitled rage. She was a victim of One Eye who really believes that the way her father used her means she "understands" this monster, deserves this treatment.
And Clear Sky LIKES that.
He likes that she will have COMPLETE FAITH in him. That she will follow him WITHOUT QUESTION. That she will OBEY his orders. That's fucking verbatim, that's THE TEXT!!!
WHILE HE'S STILL CRYING ABOUT "ive tried to atone every day" FOLLOWING THE LAST TWO BOOKS WHERE THE ONLY SHITTY THING HE DOESN'T DO IS MURDER INNOCENT WOMEN
Am I insane?? Am I wrong??? Am I missing something here???? Why the fuck is the fandom takeaway "haha sexy girl steals his dad." Did I read the same book
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happy 3rd birthday to the hottest thing bastille has ever done anyone but me x nightmares (24.08.2020)
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novelconcepts · 2 years
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There is so much nuance to the ep 6 scene between KJ and Lauren, I can’t get over it.
the motion older!KJ makes as they walk out, reaching for Lauren, realizing just in time that they are, in fact, in her hometown in Ohio and cutting short before she can land what was probably going to be an instinctive kiss
KJ coming in hot with the world’s most polite “hello!” and managing to make what must feel lightly like small talk for thirty seconds before dropping her voice to this shy, slightly-terrified question
the inability to hold eye contact. the faltering, wordless noises. the way she blinks like she’s seconds from just passing out in the middle of this theater--that is exactly how it feels to come out to someone for the first time. the edges of your vision go a little fuzzy, your heart is in your throat, you genuinely feel shaky, and all of that is so present in this performance
the sense of mild defeat in how she just lands on “movies” instead of “girls”, like she’s embarrassed she can’t just say it
the gentle ah hah expression on Lauren’s face as she realizes what this petrified kid is trying to ask her, and how smoothly she doesn’t correct her--just rolls with this safe code word
KJ’s nod and very tiny “uh-huh” without moving like any part of her face. like she’s reverting to standing as still as possible, protective coloring coming up in every inch of her frame
Lauren actually taking a minute to think about it before answering. and and then not giving the answer KJ asked for--”how did YOU know”--but what KJ actually needs to hear. what any kid in her position would: not everyone will get it, but everyone’s journey is their own, and there is no rush
(again, this is why I’m so delighted they wrote it the way they did--KJ and Lauren, not KJ and older!KJ, because older!KJ would have a definitive answer to give. it might be “I always knew, in the back of my mind” or it might be “when I was eighteen and kissed a girl for the first time”, but whatever the answer, it would cement KJ back into a box. this is your future, immutable, and there is no journey you could take that I haven’t already gone on. I’m so fucking glad they didn’t do this, that they let her have the reassurance that any timeline is the right one if it’s hers.)
again, that flutter-blink/quick breath combo that looks like she’s gonna pass out--but this time, there’s relief in it. it’s less “how do I say this Huge Thing” and more “oh thank god, she knows what I’m asking, she knows without me saying, and she’s being kind”
It is beautifully put together, such a gentle way of saying to this baby gay, “Nobody can tell you who you are except you, but whoever that winds up being is so okay. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself. You will be happy, I promise you.” It is a critical bit of advice so many queer people just don’t get, and to write it into KJ’s story is one of the show’s biggest kindnesses.
#paper girls#paper girls spoilers#kj brandman#i love this scene so much. i love that lauren doesn't try to make it about herself in the least#she could tell her story here--but that isn't what KJ actually needs#so instead she gives her reassurance that there's nothing wrong with what she's feeling and that it really does feel amazing to be in love#even if that love isn't what she might have expected for herself#i also just love that lauren is in her early 20s and maybe has never HAD a young kid ask this before--and you can kind of feel it#in the hesitation and the slight fumble before she lands on what is most likely what she would have needed to hear at that age#admittedly--god love her--she clearly lacks a few passive perception points#because there are so many pictures of young KJ in her girlfriend's house that she HAS to have seen them#but we forgive her this observational oversight because she's so lovely in these scenes#and it really does a great job of painting the feeling that she's drawn to this kid--who is the child version of her girlfriend--#without EVER once being creepy about it. it's just 'oh this sweet kid i want to protect her'. a lesser show would have fucked that up#'ah she says she's KJ's cousin. they have exactly the same face at different stages of pokemon evolution but sure yeah that tracks'#'how can i help?'#again i LOVE the comics. i love them so much. but this is the same kind of gentle change as giving mac her brother for a while#it's screaming from the rooftops that these kids are not as alone as they feel#and i'm so soft about it
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alexjcrowley · 1 year
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Saying Swiss Army Man is about gay necrophilia is like saying Oedipus Rex is about a guy who fucks his mom. You're only technically correct.
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feline-evil · 6 days
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Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.
#metalocalypse#jay talkin#I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level#for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda#changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is#don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men#his transness wouldnt change that#only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically.#Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band#is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name;#over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had#he becomes more caring more supportive#it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind#and learns how to be a kinder man.#all of which have no contradictions with him being trans!#In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences#i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways#to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring.#Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL.#at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it#so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine#i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt#but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues#and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does#again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol#AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans#do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model#I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA
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da-proti-toku-grem · 12 days
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why can't anyone understand that everyone is different and not everyone likes the same things and that it's completely okay AND normal for someone not to like going out and preferring to stay at home :/
#honestly i understand that my parents care about me and they don't want me to be feeling bad#and that they ask me bc they just want to make sure i'm okay#but i've explained to them what i feel like and they just don't get and i get mad but i akso know it's not their fault and just... oughhhhh#like yeah i have a weird kind of social anxiety according to my therapist and even she doesn't know exactly how to help me yet#but there are just so many reasons behind why i don't like going out and it's not just bc it gives me anxiety#or why those situations give me anxiety in the forst place#1. i'm just a very introverted person that doesn't like going out#2. crowded places/closed spaces/places where there's not enough ventilation/loud places (be it people talking or just music) overwhelme me#3. all said in 2 + flashing lights give me huge migraines that can linger for over 3 days#4. i am very much a night owl and i'm forced to live in a society where that isn't fucking acceptable apparently and i'm called lazy for -#- not being productive in the morning when the only reason behind it is that i am a lot more productive at night#but no one ket's me do that bc 'why are you doing stuff when you're supposed to be asleep?'#i have been the same since i was little. literally nothing has changed#and people where always like 'oh she's just shy'#but idk wtf changed#maybe it was that i became and 'adult' or maybe the fact that i started therapy and they told my parents that i have social anxiety. idk#but suddenly every single person in my family is worried about it and they're genuinely making me feel like there's smth wrong about me#i mean. i have my problems i'm not gonna go telling you that i'm perfect bc i'm pretty much not#but is there really smth that wrong with me that i need to fix#or is society just a bitch that doesn't understand that there's different kinds of people and everyone is different & IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY#have they ever thought about the fact that maybe these situations cause me anxiety bc i've been forced all my life to do them#even if i don't like them#instead of thinking that i don't like them BC they cause me anxiety??#i mean. i know i have to go out more and that there's tons of things i can do ofc#but you can't just force me to do things i don't want to and put on a good face while doing it *every.fucking.day*#aaaaand i could add a lot more things but i'm once again reaching the tag limit so i shoukd just shut up#it's just driving me crazy bc i know they're trying to help but it really is not helping at all.............#ranting
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jinstronaut · 25 days
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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh
#and i might do it again bc its just#a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc#which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow#it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag#people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just#so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what#like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao#and it never ever used to#but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly#or whatever the make believe rules are idk#this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus#bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community#and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit#bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were#i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year#but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad#once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care#ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control#i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile#and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be#a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion#so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao#why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just#ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand#so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time#but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd
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sweet-star-cookie · 7 months
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so i finished the teal mask dlc
#i'm not okay#i'm dead fucking serious i have never been so disquieted by a POKEMON GAME PLOT like this before and i don't like it#i'm so upset#look. LOOK. listen it has been established that the player's choices in pokemon do not actually matter outside of mild dialogue changes#i'm totally fine with pokemon moving towards more consequence-based stories#but if you're going to do that here then you NEED TO ACTUALLY /GIVE THE PLAYER A CHOICE/#THIS PLACE SUCKS I JUST CAME HERE FOR A GOOD TIME AND I'M FEELING SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW ;;;;;;;;#FUCK YOU CARMINE I HATE YOU#I HATE YOU I HATE YOU#TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN AND I WILL DECK YOU IN THE FACE#YOU FORCED ME TO BE A BAD FRIEND TO THIS SWEET LITTLE BOY AND THEN WE TOOK AWAY HIS ONLY CHANCES AT FRIENDSHIP WITH ME /AND/ OGERPON#ABSOLUTELY HEINOUS#CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT#HE TRIED SO DAMN HARD THE ENTIRE TIME AND DID NOTHING WRONG AND I WILL /DIE ON THIS HILL/#I'M SORRY KIKI ;;;;_______;;;;#literally he had his completely justified joker moment at the end and my friend was like 'yeah sorry he's evil now' and I just paused#and then turned to her and said 'never love anything'#this is unrelated but if Iruma in M!IK ever turns actually evil like this at any point ever I am defenestrating my tv#i am SO tired and i am betrayed SO often CAN'T HAVE SHIT IN DETROIT ;;;;;;;#WHY CAN'T MY SWEET LITTLE GUYS JUST STAY SWEET LITTLE GUYS FOR ONCE#Kieran is my SON you can't DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!#also i would die for Ogerpon btw#she is my daughter and i love her#i want to squish her little face and hold her in my arms forever#i need a plush of her right the fuck now#if any of you villagers or tourists scare her or make her sad again i will cut you and that is a THREAT#my art#kind of lmao#pokemon
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collgeruledzebra · 4 months
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things i wish everyone a very shut the fuck up about in other tags this new year:
- barbie/oppenheimer
- the magnus archives
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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ironmanstan · 8 months
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I am coming to the realization i have been slowly killing myself with work i think oops
#m thinking now and im like#i havent read ... anything consistently .. or watched anything .. or had time to like do anything#in genuinely so long#and i was like kinda becoming ok w it#my brain issues .. nothing matters i dont need anything all i need is me i dont need to have anyone or anything with me <- bad. stop it#part of this was the i need my dad to be proud of me braincell but well i win award i have 4.0 gpa and he still yell at me#deciding now to stop caring so much (i still do but ill ignore it) i need 2 be alive again i dont care#im so mad i dont even know .. im so viscerally angry like actually i dont even know what to do with that lmfao#my brother does shit all and u give him sm slack have NEVER treated him as bad as youve treated me#and nothing i do NOTHING is good enough or changes how u look at me#like idk he called me and i cried so much i got so fucking upset i fhkdhdkf ok. ok.#he will b like omg im so proud of u i love u so much ive always believed in u and i just think back to when#he yelled at me once like fiiive years ago and i was like u just make me feel so worthless all the time#and he was like yeah bc you are worthless#and im like hmmm idk bestie i dont think youve ever changed from looking at me like that and it is insanely obvious lmao#i dont even know bro im crazy. m insane got given an inch and tried to take a mile like omg i can actually be recognized as worth something#nevermind ill stop killing myself for that pipe dream now lol#m not even upset im just mad lmao i dont wanna hate my dad and i dont but every day i feel more and more like i should#vent
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ferdydurke · 7 months
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I say this often but its crazy how much of a vortex depression is.
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oh they've changed their whole twitter theme. and youtube. the new logo is on everything. oh. look i know this show is about change. i really do know that i promise and i'm not suggesting that it shouldn't change, because of course it has to. but don't they normally give us longer than *checks notes* 40 hours since the end of one era to completely, totally move on?
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jitterbugbear · 2 years
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papa 4 photo study
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