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#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake
archduke-enver-gortash
·
5 months
Text
posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself
#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep
#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either
#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in
#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst
#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago
#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it
#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed
#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me
#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time
#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake
#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t
#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!
#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life
#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so
#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have
#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip
#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude
#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i
#it’s been gnawing at me
#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in
#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes
#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep
#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom
#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting
#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao
#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most
#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry
#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn
#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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