#and of course i thought to myself. what the actual fuck?
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Rivals in the Spotlight
Yunho!dancer × fem!bod singer
Masterlist
Y/N is a passionate singer determined to secure a scholarship, often feeling overshadowed at her performing arts school by Yunho, a confident and popular dancer, dreams of becoming a professional dancer while managing the pressure from his family's legacy. When they are cast as the leads in the school's musical, their well-known rivalry escalates, leading to strong disagreements in during the rehearsals. Will they get over their little rivalry and put up a good show?
Wc: I think around 4k
Genre: enemies to lovers, smut, fluff
It is 8 am, and I am currently riding the bus to school. Today is the day I find out who will get the leads in the new school play. I don’t know a lot of people who are participating, but I definitely know one person: Jeong Yunho. That son of a bitch always knows how to get on my nerves, especially when I’m already in my worst mood.
I feel stupid writing this down, but I’ve been doing this for so long that I feel the need to keep this stupid diary updated. Even though it’s 40 percent me complaining about Yunho, it still is a good way to express myself, I think? I look out the bus window as the familiar scenery of my neighborhood blurs past. My thoughts keep circling back to the audition. What if I actually get the lead? What if Yunho gets it too?
As I walk into the school, I feel eyes burning into my back. That only means one thing: the names are out. My heart races as I rush to the performing arts hallway. A group of people is gathering around a piece of paper on the wall. Yunho is there too. Of course.
I push through the crowd, my palms sweating. I quickly find myself standing in front of the paper, and now I get why people have been staring. Me and Yunho need to play the two leads in the play. The worst part is that we need to play a couple. I play Alice, the female lead and yunho plays Jay the male lead.
"No fucking way... I thought you would be a background singer or something," Yunho says, standing next to me, also staring at the paper.
"Shut up, Yunho. You’re as tall as a tree, might as well play one," I snap before walking away.
The rest of the day, I try my best to avoid talking to people and head straight home after school. My best friend Rina calls me as soon as I get home.
"Can you believe this?" I vent, flopping onto my bed. "Of all people, I have to play opposite Yunho. This is a nightmare."
"Maybe you can be so miserable to him that he’ll quit," Rina suggests.
"I wish," I sigh. "But he’s way too competitive to just quit."
The next morning, I wake up with a knot in my stomach. I can't avoid Yunho forever. Rehearsals start today. I arrive at the auditorium early, hoping to get a moment alone before the chaos begins. The large, empty space feels oddly comforting. I stand on the stage, looking out at the rows of empty seats, trying to imagine myself performing without wanting to throw up.
Suddenly, I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around to see Yunho walking towards me, his usual smirk replaced with a more serious expression.
"Hey," he says, surprisingly without a hint of sarcasm. "We need to talk."
I cross my arms defensively. "About what?"
"Look, I know we don't get along, but we have to make this work for the play's sake. It’s important to both of us, right?" His voice is calm, almost sincere.
I’m taken aback by his change in tone. "Yeah, I guess."
"Let’s just try to keep it professional," Yunho suggests. "We can hate each other offstage, but when we’re up here, we need to be convincing."
I nod, still wary. "Fine. But don’t think this means I’m going to make it easy for you."
He chuckles. "Wouldn’t expect anything less."
The sun is setting, casting long shadows through the tall windows of the rehearsal room. Once everyone is ready for rehearsal we start. Because this is the first rehearsal we only needed to learn the first few pages.
I see yunho get in character and that reminded me that we are going to be lovers in the end of the play.
"Okay everyone, get in place for the first scene" the director said.
I stand across from yunho and did some last warming up.
"3.. 2.. 1.... and go!"
"Alice did you hear what happened" yunho says.
The rehearsals go on for a little more, but I keep forgetting a few words in some sentences. I can feel the tension growing.
"Buy Jay, you never know what happens when you say no" I say, I realize the sentence is wrong. And yunho does too.
"You're impossible, you know that?" Yunho snaps, slamming his script onto a nearby table. "Do you even care about this play?"
I cross my arms, matching his glare. "Of course I care! But you’re not the director, Yunho. Stop acting like you know everything and let's just continue"
He steps closer, his eyes blazing with frustration. "Someone has to take charge when you keep messing up your lines!"
My fists clench at my sides. "I wouldn’t mess up if you weren’t constantly trying to outdo everyone. This isn’t a solo performance, Yunho. It’s a team effort."
Yunho scoffs, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "You just can’t handle that I’m better at this than you."
"Better?" I laugh bitterly. "Your ego is so big, I’m surprised you can fit through the door."
He narrows his eyes, his jaw tightening. "At least I put in the effort. All you do is complain and act like a victim."
My blood boils, and I take a step forward, refusing to back down. "You think you’re so perfect, don’t you? Always criticizing everyone else to make yourself look good."
"Maybe if you spent less time whining and more time practicing, we wouldn’t have these problems," he shoots back.
I feel my face flush with anger. "You’re such a jerk, Yunho. No wonder no one likes working with you."
For a moment, there’s silence, the words hanging heavily in the air. Yunho’s expression falters slightly, a flicker of hurt crossing his face before it hardens again.
"You don’t know anything about me," he says quietly, his voice trembling with barely controlled rage. "You’re so wrapped up in your own little world, you can’t see past your own nose."
I open my mouth to retort, but the words catch in my throat. We stand there, breathing heavily, the room suddenly feeling too small, too stifling.
Finally, Yunho breaks the silence, his voice cold. "If you can’t handle this, maybe you should quit."
I swallow hard, the lump in my throat making it difficult to speak. "Maybe I will," I manage to say, my voice shaking. "At least then I wouldn’t have to deal with you."
We stare at each other for a moment longer before I turn on my heel and storm out of the room, slamming the door behind me. My heart is pounding, a mix of anger and something else I can’t quite name. As I walk down the empty hallway, I can’t help but wonder if things will ever get better between us.
Yunho is left there standing, regretting some words he said.
The cool evening air hits my face as I storm out of the auditorium, my anger still simmering beneath the surface. I find a bench near the entrance and collapse onto it, trying to catch my breath. The sky is tinged with the pinks and purples of twilight, but I’m too wrapped up in my thoughts to appreciate the beauty.
"Why does he have to be such a jerk?" I mutter to myself, kicking a small pebble with my shoe.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s a message from Rina.
**Rina:** Hey, how did rehearsal go? Any updates?
I hesitate before replying, not sure how to put my frustration into words.
**Me:** It was a disaster. Yunho and I had a huge fight. Again.
Her response is almost immediate.
**Rina:** Ugh, that sucks. Want to talk about it?
**Me:** Maybe later. I just need to cool down right now.
**Rina:** Okay, just remember, you’re amazing and you can handle this. Don’t let him get to you.
I smile slightly at her words, feeling a bit better. Rina always knows how to make me feel better.
The next day:
The cafeteria is buzzing with activity as I navigate my way through the crowd, holding my lunch tray. I spot Rina at our usual table and make my way over, sliding into the seat across from her.
"Hey," she says, giving me a sympathetic look. "You look exhausted."
I sigh, poking at my food. "Didn’t sleep much. Just kept thinking about everything that happened."
She nods, taking a bite of her sandwich. "Yunho really knows how to push your buttons, huh?"
"Yeah," I agree, feeling the frustration bubble up again. "I don’t get it. One minute he’s trying to be all professional, and the next he’s tearing me down."
"Maybe he’s just stressed," Rina suggests. "This play is a big deal for everyone."
"Maybe," I concede, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. "But it’s like he enjoys making me miserable."
Before Rina can respond, I hear a familiar voice behind me.
"Can we talk?"
I turn to see Yunho standing there, looking unusually serious. Rina raises an eyebrow, but I nod, getting up from the table. We move to a quieter corner of the cafeteria.
"What do you want, Yunho?" I ask, crossing my arms defensively.
He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Look, about yesterday... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to get so heated."
I blink, taken aback. This is not the Yunho I’m used to. "You’re... apologizing?"
"Yeah," he says, looking genuinely uncomfortable. "I’ve been thinking about what you said, and you’re right. I’ve been acting like a jerk."
I stare at him, trying to process this unexpected turn of events. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
He shrugs, looking away. "I guess I realized that we’re stuck with each other for this play, and if we keep fighting, it’s going to ruin everything. For both of us."
His words make sense, but it’s hard to let go of the anger so quickly. "So, what do you suggest?"
"Truce?" he offers, holding out his hand. "Let’s try to make this work. For the sake of the play."
I hesitate for a moment before shaking his hand. "Truce."
At the Rehearsal Room, Late Afternoon:
Back in the rehearsal room, there’s a noticeable shift in the atmosphere. Yunho and I still have our differences, but we’re making an effort to be civil. Our scenes start to flow better, the tension easing with each passing day.
One evening, after a particularly grueling rehearsal, I find myself sitting on the edge of the stage next to Yunho. We’re both exhausted but there’s a sense of accomplishment in the air.
"You know," I say, breaking the comfortable silence, "I never thought I’d say this, but we’re actually doing pretty well."
Yunho smiles, a genuine one this time. "Yeah, who would’ve thought?"
This new feeling was brewing in my chest, it wasn't hatred, it was far from that.
"You know I never meant to be harsh the other day" yunho says, looking down at his shoes that are hanging off the side of the stage.
"Its okay, I said some mean stuff to you too." You lift your shoulders a little while saying. "I really need this play to go well so I can have a higher chance of getting a scholarship. That's why I was getting pissed off by you" I say.
"My parents always expect the best of me, just because they were the best in their days doesn't mean I am. I guess that's why I got so angry at you for saying I wasn't a team player." Yunho sighs ".. I really try to be but sometimes my parents just get into my head and make me forget this is not a contest"
I frown at his story, it's sad that he can't express his passion the way he wants.
I stand up and hold my hand out for yunho. He looks up confused but grabs it, I pull him up and say "you need to enjoy this yunho, talk to your parents about it. It is your life and it should be fun while you're here" I say with a soft voice, not realizing that our hands are still together.
He suddenly pulls me into a hug which caught me off guard. "Thank you y/n. You're not so bad after all" I hear him whisper.
The morning of the play:
"Ahh! How are you feeling? Today’s the day!" Rina exclaims, practically bouncing with excitement as she walks next to me.
I can’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. "I’m feeling really good about all this. Not only will this improve my chances of getting a scholarship, but it’s also helped Yunho and me forgive each other."
We turn a corner, and my heart skips a beat when I see Yunho standing there, talking to one of his friends. I’m about to wave when I catch his words.
"I don't know, man. She is so annoying. I can't handle it any longer. I'm happy this act is all over after tonight."
His words hit me like a punch to the gut. Tears well up in my eyes. How could he say that after everything we’ve been through? After the connection we shared the other night?
Rina notices my change in demeanor immediately. "What’s wrong?"
I swallow hard, trying to keep my voice steady. "I just heard Yunho saying he can't stand me and he's glad this is all over after tonight."
Rina's eyes widen in shock, then narrow in anger. "What? That can’t be right. That son of a bitch"
I nod, biting my lip to keep from crying. "I don’t know if I can go through with this tonight, acting like everything is fine. This play has done nothing but be stressfull, I'm done"
Rina takes my hand, her grip firm and comforting. "Listen, I know this hurts, but quitting now isn’t the answer. You’ve worked too hard to let this ruin it. Just hold on a little longer, don't say or do anything you will regret later" she said "I'll be right back just don't do anything okay?"
I nod, trying to take comfort in her words, but the ache in my chest remains. I steal another glance at Yunho, who’s laughing at something his friend said
Later that day in the school's hallway:
“That jerk,” she mutters, clenching her fists. “I can’t believe he said that about you after everything you two have been through.”
I shrug, trying to act indifferent, but the hurt is clear in my eyes. “It’s fine, Rina. Let’s just get through tonight.”
“No, it’s not fine,” she snaps, standing up abruptly.
Before I can stop her, Rina storms across the hallway, heading straight for Yunho. My heart races, and I quickly follow her, catching snippets of her angry muttering.
“Rina, wait!” I call out, but she’s already reached Yunho and his group.
“Hey, Yunho!” Rina’s voice cuts through the chatter, silencing the group. Yunho looks up, surprised.
“Rina? What’s up?”
“What’s up?” she repeats, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’ll tell you what’s up. How dare you talk about Y/N like that behind her back?”
Yunho’s brows furrow in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play dumb,” Rina spits, crossing her arms. “Y/N heard you this morning, calling her annoying and saying you’re glad this is all over after tonight. How could you, after everything you two have been through?”
Yunho’s face pales, realization dawning on him. “Wait, that’s not what I—”
“Oh, save it!” Rina cuts him off, her anger palpable. “She thought you were friends, that you understood each other. But you’re just a two-faced jerk!”
By now, a small crowd has gathered, watching the confrontation unfold. I feel my cheeks burn with embarrassment and hurt, but I don’t stop Rina. She’s saying everything I wish I had the courage to say.
“Rina, please,” Yunho tries again, his voice pleading. “You’ve got it all wrong. I wasn’t talking about Y/N like that.”
“Then who were you talking about?” Rina demands, her eyes blazing.
Yunho takes a deep breath, looking around at the crowd before focusing on Rina. “I was talking about the director, I was talking to my friend about how I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by her, she has been on my toes the last few rehearsals. And plus if I had to say something mean to y/n I would just say it to hee face, I've done it the last few years.”
Rina’s anger falters, a flicker of uncertainty crossing her face "Oh, well this is awkward" she said while laughing awkwardly.
That evening:
A buzz of excitement fills the air as students, teachers, and parents take their seats in the auditorium. Backstage, the cast is a whirlwind of activity, making final adjustments to costumes and props. My heart pounds in my chest, a mix of nerves and exhilaration. I peek through the curtain and see the audience settling in. This is it. Months of hard work, late nights, and overcoming differences have led to this moment.
Yunho stands next to me, adjusting his costume. He looks at me and smiles, a warm, genuine smile that sends a flutter through my stomach. "You ready?"
I nod, trying to steady my breath. "Ready as I'll ever be."
The romance scene is next up —the moment where our characters, after a series of misunderstandings and conflicts, finally confess their love. The lines have become second nature, but tonight, something feels different. There's an electricity in the air, a deeper connection that wasn’t there during rehearsals.
As Yunho and I move through our lines, the world around us fades away. It's just the two of us on stage, our characters’ emotions mirroring our own unspoken feelings. Yunho steps closer, his character's confession blending seamlessly with his own emotions.
"I've been thinking a lot about us," he says, his voice steady but filled with emotion. "And I realized something important. I can't imagine my life without you."
My heart races as I respond, my own feelings bubbling to the surface. "I feel the same way. You’ve challenged me, pushed me, and made me better. I’ve never felt this way before."
Yunho takes my hand, and the touch sends a spark through me. He looks into my eyes, and for a moment, it’s as if time stands still. "I love you," he says, I know it's just his character speaking. But it's feels a little too real.
Tears well up in my eyes, and I whisper, "I love you too."
The curtain falls, and the audience erupts into applause. We take our bows, the adrenaline still coursing through our veins. Backstage, the cast congratulates each other, but all I can think about is Yunho.
I find him in a quiet corner, away from the chaos. He looks up as I approach, a soft smile on his face "hey"
"Hey" I reply
"That was... incredible" He says, stepping closer.
I could smell his perfume, he was standing so close. It made My heart beat a lot faster. "It really was..."
He looks down and meet my eyes, we don't say anything but we both feel what's about to come. "Would you like to go somewhere private..?" He asks, his voice low.
I nod, "I would like that"
He grabs my hand and we walk towards the drama room. The place where it all began. The room is quiet and dark, the only source of light is the moonlight that is shining through the tall windows.
Yunho closes the door behind us, and the click of the lock seems to tighten the tension even more. We stand there for a moment, just looking at each other in silence.
He moves closer, his hand moving away a piece of my hair.
His lips meet mine, it starts of soft but quickly deepens. His arms wrap around me, pulling me closer until there is no more space left between us.
We pull away, stading there breathlessly. And yunhos eyes search mine. A silent question hanging in the air. I nod, giving him my answer without him having to ask it.
He leads me to the small couch in to corner of the room, we sink down on soft cushions, his hands move gently over the curves of my body. I lay one of my hands on his bicep, he tenses up under my touch and his muscles tighten.
Yunho reconnects the kiss again, this time it's with hunger and passion. He slowly slides his hand under my shirt, cupping one of my breasts. The warmth of his hand tingling on my skin.
I gasp when he pulls my shirt over my head and throws it on the floor. Exposing me to the cool air. He lowers his head and starts to kiss me all over my body "you're so beautiful" He murmurs against my skin.
I blush, my hands start to unbutton his shirt revealing his chest. He shrugs himself out of the fabric and I move my hands over his skin.
We're now left in our underwear, Yunho's hand moves down, his fingers teasing the edge of my panties before slipping under the material. When his finger enters me, a groan escapes my lips, muffled by our kiss.
He takes my reaction as encouragement, adding another finger and moving in and out in a steady movement. The sensation of his fingers moving in and out of me sends waves of pleasure through my body, and I arch my back, pressing closer to him.
"Yunho," I whisper, my voice breathy and filled with need.
He breaks the kiss, his eyes locking onto mine, dark with desire. "Does this feel good?" he asks, his voice husky.
"Yes," I moan, my hands gripping his shoulders for support.
Yunho's free hand trails up my side, his touch light and teasing. He kisses a path down my neck, his lips leaving a burning trail on my skin. As his fingers continue their rhythm, he takes one of my nipples into his mouth, his tongue swirling around it. The combined sensations are almost too much, and I gasp, my fingers digging into his shoulders.
"Yunho, I need you," I manage to say between ragged breaths.
He looks up at me, his expression a mix of tenderness and desire. "I need you too," he whispers.
With a final, lingering kiss, he pulls his fingers out and helps me out of the last of our clothing. We pause for a moment, just taking in the sight of each other, the intimacy of the moment deepening our connection.
Yunho gently lays me back on the couch, positioning himself above me. He takes a condom from his wallet, and with a quick, practiced motion, he rolls it on. His eyes meet mine, seeking one last confirmation.
I nod, my heart pounding with a mix of nerves and anticipation. "I'm ready."
He aligns himself with me, and as he slowly enters, we both gasp at the sensation. He moves with care, giving us both time to adjust. Once he’s fully inside, he pauses, our foreheads touching as we share a moment of stillness
Yunho starts to move, it's slow at first but once I wrapped my legs around his waist he couldn't hold back any longer. A groan escaped from his lips and he fastened his pace.
His hands roam over my body, caressing and teasing, driving me closer to the edge. I can feel the tension building, the knot tightening inside of me.
"Yunho I'm close" I whisper against his neck.
"Me too" He says, his voice strained with his pleasure.
The sound of our breathing is getting heavier and faster. With a final trust I feel a wave of pleasure wash over me, yunho throws his head back when he feels my juices spilling over his cock. That is enough to send him over the edge too. Our moans filling the silent room.
We collapse together, yunho holds me close. His breath warm against my skin as we come down from the high.
"I think I like you y/n" yunho said, pressing a soft kiss against my forehead.
"I like you too yunho" I whisper back.
We lie there for a little longer, wrapped in each other's arms. And that's when I realized that this moment was the beginning of something beautiful.
#yunho smut#ateez yunho#jeong yunho#ateez smut#smut#ateez#ateez fanfic#romance fiction#romance#dance#theatre#love#fluff#yunho x reader#yunho fluff#yunho fic#yunho#trending
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Laid to rest by ten thousand arrows — the fall of Lao-Shan Lung
HE'S FINALLY DEAD.
This oversized infant has been tormenting me ever since his fateful introduction as the Wall Of All Time in rank G2. It's difficult enough to just scare him off, but for months now, I've had my sights set on outright slaying him.
I tried everything. Aerial style great sword to the face for 30 minutes straight. Max dragon attack striker lance dash spam into his gut. Hell, I even tried the infamous weaponless strategy, frantically hauling cannonballs back and forth, calculating every single ballista shot, carefully counting flinches. But alas, Lao-Shan Lung was simply too powerful for one scrawny little hunter. I was faced with the horrible realization, that if I wanted to take him down alone... I was going to have to play a ranged weapon. (GASP!)
Anyway yeah those guides ain't joking lol dragon pierce bow is ridiculously overpowered against this guy. It took me 2 tries because I've literally never used a bow before, but once I got the hang of it, it was a super easy hunt. Here's the set that netted me a 20 minute Lao kill with both fortresses at 100%:
Magnastar Wil (Max upgraded Valstrax bow), Valor style
Neset Armor (Ahtal-Ka), full set
The luckiest fucking talisman of my entire life, Expert +9 and Crit Element +4, no slots
Armor skills: TrueShot, Pierce Up, Crit Element, Critical Eye 3, Tremor Res
Items: Power Coating Lv.2, Element Coatings Lv.1 and Lv.2, and an unholy amount of mega dash juice
A LOT of patience to obtain all of the materials for the armor and weapon. Phew!
Altheos Incanonis (the max Alatreon bow) is technically better, but there is no way in hell I was going to grind G RANK ALATREON solo, fuck that. I got stupid lucky with the Valstrax grind and got 2 mantles and an orb on a single hunt, so I just ran with it; Magnastar is more than capable of getting the job done, even in the hands of a clueless melee main.
THE DREAM IS REAL!!!! WOOOOOO
#last year when i was desperately trying to get past this quest and looking up guides#i remember seeing a comment that was like 'oh i love lao shan lung he's such a fun and relaxing fight!'#and of course i thought to myself. what the actual fuck?#but now i am a stronger hunter. and now i know. that guy was 1000% correct.#lao is so chill once you're no longer panicking because the fortress is at 10% and there's 30 seconds left on the clock.#i love you lao. i am sorry for all of the mean things people say about you. rest in pierce bro#my art <3#monster hunter#monhun#mh
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if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.
#toy txt post#or maybe i am just sameface syndrome#but also different face syndrome#two characters will have the same face but then the next time i draw those characters its a different face than they had last time!#i know part of it is being out of practice but also there is definitely an element of feeling constrained by human facial structure lmao#the monsters have Their Own Problems but like. no one has a face like bokrae no matter how inconsistent i am about drawing her#her features are iconic enough to her that you can tell everytime#birdie???? i faceclaimed eartha kitt for her and im still struggling cos i feel weird about faceclaiming as a concept#but even then 😭 one time i was trying to give headloose a face and someone was like wow he looks like birdie!#me 😭😭😭😭😭 what!!!!!! hes not supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need to practice. features#you know the worst part about coming up w a bunch of fuckin Scenarios in my brain for ocs is that i have even fucking Drawn them yet#to give them like. iconic staple features and figure out what their faces look like. which feels like it would really help to have that#knowledge and muscle memory before i jump into trying to draw intense scenes with difficult poses!!#not to mention. listen. i can do the monster faces. somewhat. the bodies??????????? well for one. theyre too big everytime#im convinced i could be trying to draw bokrae on like a full ass wall size paper like a mural thing and run out of room. it just keeps#happening. i have no sense of scale for them either. by which i mean i struggle w scale already and also cant decide what i want it to be#and ive tried to handwave it away by being like ohhh uh. birdie casts spells on them to change their sizes for convenience but also#no. perhaps that explanation works for other ppl. @ myself tho its not good enough i Know Better!!!!!!#agh!!!!!!! i really need to figure out bokrae's Teeth also. like i dont. i coukd get away with it. but i should. and i want to.#anyway all this to say that i need to give these characters faces and body designs (actually the body designs for humanoid ocs is the easy#part. the faces are whats stumping me? well. i need more practice w all the body types again but like i Know what im Going For at least.#for the most part anyway. havent fully figured out heights. struggling w characters that i want to make short but give imposing tall energy#on occasion? birdie can be short all day long no problem. I want Alasdair to be short enough that he has a bunch of short boyfriends that#feel tall around him? bytte was going to be like 6ft max but then i thought about making her taller and like. what if i made her taller#headloose is not that /short/ but he is Not Tall and prolly pretty lean? twink build for sure#and of course all these short /tall distinctions come with a bias of relativity to my own height which i categorize as medium height#but short ppl call me tall and insist its not average and tall ppl call me short. (5'6) and then i have to factor in how the gender changes#the dynamic of a height like my height is Short For A Man but medium to tall for a Woman. which id argue is medium height bc mens heights#are socially held to high standards (hehe) and also i know ethnicity/race is also a factor? but im out of tags. rip. bye
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#tw vent#I am so. so tired#this week hit me like a freight train#I have final coursework to hand in in less than a week and I'm stressing because I was most definitely not given enough time to do it#and everything inside me is telling me I'm going to fail and I'm pretty sure my teachers think so as well#all my friends are high achievers who always get high grades and put their soul into their work and then there's me. Constantly failing#I try so hard but no matter what I do I never make any progress and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here#and that eventually my friends will move on academically and maybe socially and I'll be left behind and feel like a scared kid again#I can't go outside for a walk to try and calm myself down because I fucked up my ankle#and I got laid off one of my jobs which means I'm also stressing about being able to actually eat and on top of that I'm stressing about ->#getting another job because otherwise I can't eat or pay gas or shit#so I'm sat here in my room surrounded by work and I can't go outside and I can't leave my room because my roommate has friends around and#I just want to explode#I'm getting to the point where I'm just being unproductive because all I do is sit in bed and rot#and if I'm not doing that I'm working or I'm at school#and of course I can't even sleep. I can't even rest for a moment#this is shit man#so utterly shit#mel's thoughts
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Please god, can someone give me the strength to write ANOTHER 900 word essay in German, I DON'T WANNA I DONT WANNA PLEASE NO
#disliking this course more than i thought i would#oh yes german linguistics!!! okay!!! sure i love that!!!#and then my grade is dependent on literally only writing assignments#i actually want to die. this brings me soooooooo much fucking pain#i just really despise the whole idea of it#you put a bunch of people in one class with differing skill level#and then make them all write 900 word essays in a language theyre not 100% on yet#and the content is soooo much just him rambling in class IN GERMAN !#and not all of it is on the slides so fuck if i remember#and even if i did remember its so much me trying to focus on catching what hes saying than actually absorbing it#and the topic even if i was writing in english would make me struggle#and you guys know!! im great at rambling!! BUT NOT AUF DEUTSCH#and then. when you finally finish slaving over this fucking disaster of a paper#you submit it. and his only comment is just: sehr gur gemacht.#yeah why the fuck would i feel the need to burn myself like this +#only to get feedback that feels like he only looked at the word count and nothing else#like not even going to correct my grammer or???? what am i learning other than writing the same kind of bs sentences over and over#i despise word count essays btw#youre not really writing for quality youre writing for quantity#bcs if the only real outline you get is that you hit the word count then why do i give any shit about the quality of it#like i submitted a paper for my other class and she gave like 100+ edits on it#not only comments but also grammer correction#and like????? why do i not get that from the class that is teaching me a foreign fucking language#yeah sure its not bad to correct the grammar of your first language but cmon my god please help me a bit or smth#but yeah its due on Wednesday and i just think im going to fucking die before then#choking on my stress tears or smth#as i said it would be fine if it felt like he was actually checking them in depth#but i hate assignments where im only doing it for the grade. like i actually want to uhhh learn yknow???????#but yes i need someone to cheerlead me on or smth bcs itll take so much resolve to not just give up#and i wont give up bcs i want to keep my gpa but thats exactly thr issue isnt it? that i dont care about the content?
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I'm dying, I had another fandom breakup several years ago where I also poured my frustration into a deeply pornographic fic.
The main differences are:
different fandom, obviously
this was actually one of the last fics I ever wrote for that fandom, it really was a kiss off. the only fics I posted after it were just me finishing up some prior obligations.
I actually wrote it and posted it, as opposed to the pornographic vent fic I was writing for wwdits that I set aside for now.
I APPARENTLY POSTED IT TO TUMBLR FIRST?
I know this because someone just reblogged it (and said some really kind things, thank you ;;) and I had completely forgotten that I'd been so deep in my fit of pique that I was like "well this is vent fic that I wrote to cope with my frustration towards canon, not REAL fic, so I should post it to tumblr, not AO3."
At first I was just laughing over the sheer timing of it all, someone digging up this ancient post with like 25 notes from many years ago the exact same week that I'm having angst over the fandom I replaced the old one with, but then I actually clicked on the post in my notifications and was like.
wait.
did I.... post a sixteen-thousand-word fic to tumblr?
I DID. AND PEOPLE READ IT??? like that's the fucking wild part, that people were willing to sit down and read a fucking sixteen-thousand-word fic under a read more on tumblr. people were so strong back then.
(thankfully, I was convinced to crosspost it to AO3 a few days later, which actually made the fucker readable.)
the sheer ridiculousness of my tantrum (and my weird internal classification for what fic "deserved" to be on AO3 vs. what should just quietly be forgotten on tumblr) has me laughing. which I think was actually kind of needed, haha. we all need to laugh at our own fandom angst sometimes.
if I do end up finishing and posting the wwdits ventfic, I promise I'll actually post it on AO3. lmao
#writing liveblogging#kind of wild how my nandermo sex pollen/potion fic morphed over the course of the season in my head#from a silly 'oh we thought we were dosed with sex pollen so we've been fucking for two weeks but it actually wore off after an hour' fic#to a fic about what you do when you realize the truth about your relationship#and what it means to hold a secret that will destroy everything you love#(i.e. mirroring Guillermo finding out they've been fucking because they're into each other not because they were drugged#and the vampire bite secret)#and finally becoming a fic about struggling to forgive someone who wronged you even if they didn't mean to#and how knowing what you don't want isn't the same thing as knowing what you do want#and ultimately a lot of makeup sex#and a relationship that is severely damaged but perhaps salvageable#I HAVE GROWN... AND SO HAS THIS FIC... lmao#but I realized I was just stressing myself out more so instead I drank some pumpkin beer and wrote meta for another show#and downloaded phoenix wright#and here we are#maybe I'll finish it once I've chilled out some and maybe I won't#that's life I guess
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People when fucked up media is actually Fucked Up and not just "haha silly little gremlin makes SEX JOKE?!?!🤯 so DEVIOUS..."
#mercy talks#this is about many things tbh#LIKE. idk it just makes me mad when ppl say they like darker or more depressing media and turn their nose up when its a character actually#being a bad person and doing bad things . like yeah thats what you came here for what did you expect#of course im not asking people to subject themselves to possibly upsetting/triggering media because its “”better“” or wtv#nor am i trying to police ppl for what they like#but idk.. just dont be surprised to find Fucked Up Thing in the Fucked Up Thing Store#its hard to verbalize myself but i hope u get it . i dont want tgis to sound like a braindead take Although I wouldn't be posting it if#i thought it did#some art is not meant to be pretty. some art isnt even meant to be art at all#because sometimes these things are not artistic or beautiful in any way#anyway mercy out!!
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Ahhhhhhh there's this guyyyy at work and I've been like 97% sure for a lil bit now that he LIKES likes me and we friended each other on FB recently n he just messaged me asking if I'm married or have a boyfriend and AHHHHH now I have anxiety I told him no bc it's the truth but I don't know what to say next if he asks anything else 💀
#I am actually going to die#real shit#I do like him btw but I don't think I LIKE like him#tho since I've seen this coming for a while now I've thought about what it might be like dating him and#I can't say I think it would be the worst#I just#I am not looking for a relationship right now or possibly ever and I don't see a future with anyone in particular#besides my friends and family of course#like I don't want to reject him 'cause he's super sweet and kind and also funny but also. I suck at relationships. so bad#I know I'm going to fuck it up if we start dating. or. or maybe I won't. but that was my mistake last time I dated someone.#I thought that maybe this time I could do it right. and I didn't. I fucked it up. actually the last three times.#I just don't think I'm meant to have one and now it's not really something I want anymore. but also in the back of my mind I really would#like to have. SOMEONE. who's always there for ME. who I put before myself and who appreciates the things I do for them.#someone to give lil gifts to. maybe flowers if they like them. Valentine's Day dates or a box of candy. kisses goodnight. Idk SOMETHING.#I am gonna think about this real hard. and maybe I'll see if he wants to hang out outside of work sometime. nothing serious just to chill#except that I don't have transportation#just know that I am screaming internally and also it's 2:38 AM and like the worst time to think about important things.
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Me: has my sixth sudden crying spell of the week
Also me: "yeah but I'm probably not ACTUALLY depressed"
#gonna be honest boys. I have been feeling like dogshit#started with me having a good ol' existential spiral at 4 am a week ago and now I don't even know what's bothering me#and then there's all of the bad stuff going on making me anxious for myself and everybody on top of everything#all the abhorrent transphobia has been making me feel worried for the future#(as if the passing of time doesn't already horribly scare me but I digress)#idk man. I already feel like I'm unequipped for the future because I've realized I never thought I'd still be alive right now#majority of my childhood was filled with adults preaching at me to think about where I'd be going in the afterlife so I did just that#that plus they were the type to believe that the rapture is soon cause “the signs are all coming true”#so I always thought that either that would happen or I'd die before now#well. I'm still here and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.#and I'm lonely. really fucking lonely and I'm going mad cause of it#never had actual friends besides the kids I was with at my old private school. now they're all raging conservatives who mock minorities#I was able to get away but moving on isn't as easy as I hoped#it'd be so much easier to betray all my beliefs and act ignorant again so I can have my friends back#but of course I can't do that. I can't throw out who I am and all of the wonderful people I know who would be “sinful” in their eyes#idk man. I think I've finally reached the breakdown I've been feeling coming for the past two years#fuck. sorry for this trauma dump of a post. I've just felt numb for months and now everything's catching up to me#needed to yell about it I guess#vent#phoenix prattles
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I kinda feel like I've just hard erased any happiness or elation I had from being done with school all just so I wouldnt get asked a stupid question anymore I hate this I hate this
#gamer txt.#not once have i actually fucking wanted to go to college this was just the only way to make ppl stop asking me about jobs#but im realising now that was a stupid decision and i hate that i made it i hate tgat i had the chance to back out and didnt#the only thing that made school worth it before was my friends that was the only time id get to see them#now im going back to school completely without them like a fucking idiot#i know college is different from highschool i get that and i do want to learn fab weld but fuck me this was dumb#i know damn well im not going to make any new friends during this course im more terrified of people than ive ever been#and i stick out from my class like a sore thumb#whats worse is my nervousness from this has started fucking with my appetite and hunger and that is the worst possible thing it could do#that is like the number one way to break me#im already in such a vulnerable state i do not need constant fucking reminders of trauma i cant fucking escape#and im meant to just be normal and be a person and go to class on monday?#im this close 👌 to just dogging it. im pretty sure ill be getting the train in like i could full well just fuck off and leave#its not like they have my mums number she wouldnt know any different from what i told her#can i not just stay in the purgatory of being a teen old enough to be done with school but young enough to not have a job forever ?#please? im not ready for this im not i couldnt be less ready for this why did i let myself succumb to this pressure? i hate it#g-d i havent cried in. months now. this feels so. this is too much this is way too much fot me i cant do this#i dont know how i thought i could when the hell have i ever been able to do something like this on my own#theres nothing to me on my own i dont have any confidence i dont have any strength i need my friends for that and i dont have them
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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I really miss him so much. I want to share space with him I want to hold his hand I want to do laundry and dishes with him so badly. I thought about him as my girlfriend today, so casually, so effortlessly. I'm just.... he just makes me sooooo
#im so worried in the future he'll worry ill cheat#he has every reason so worry i guess#or he'll worry that my love for him is ingenuine considering my history#or otherwise question how im bad for getting over my previous relationship so quickly#and i dont know what to say about that#im worried i might not be over my ex. since its been so little time since#not that i feel anything. or did#but maybe im lying to myself#i dont know. i want this to be good i want to be ready to put my all into this#i dont want to fuck it up again. i want intimacy and i want love and i dont actually i just want those things with him#even if i could get with my ex again. which i could. i wouldnt want to#sure i miss like. kissing and stuff. but i think its just residual routine.#and i love him of course and thats how ive displayed that for so long#but my aspirations for having kids are gone. getting married to him almost so#and i never wanted to have sex#i just. i want to be sure that im sure. i just dont trust myself#whatever. more emotional than i thought id be#he called me his girl today. outside of sex#i want to be his girl and i want him to be my love#i just want to do it right. he deserves that
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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at this point im so mentally worn out that it genuinely feels like im about to have a minor breakdown in face of the smallest possible inconvenience
i've been so consistently feeling so miserable that i feel like my hair being pink is the only thing keeping me within any semblance of sanity
#2 days ago i almost cried bc i really wanted to make a paperdoll for my DIO zine but i hated everything i drew#i spent 3 hours almost finishing one just to realize i fucking hated it#so i decided to drop the entire thing because i physically and mentally just Couldn't Do It Anymore#i'm so exhausted at this point. this project has completely drained me. im so tired im so tired im so tired#i thought to myself like ok so the special edition zine won't have a paperdoll i still have other stuff#i thought the paperdoll was a really fun idea and i felt so fucking upsetting to let it go but y'know there's the other things#....... so today i got the prototype keychains.#which i needed to make promotional photos on monday#so that people who want to order the special edition zine would know exactly what they're buying#and of course: Vograce Printed The Keychains Wrong#the design was supposed to have some see-through layers which were even clearly included on the design proof THEY sent me#but the keychains just... don't have it. there are no see-through layers. they are just normal coloured layers.#so now i have keychain prototypes that don't look as they should and ok sure i CAN technically still do the photos with these#but the keychain won't look as it should and that bothers me#and i dont want to wait anymore bc i really want to open preorders next week#but i'll have to order prototypes AGAIN bc i still really need to see how the actual keychain would look when it's done right#i'm so tired i am so fucking tired i am so exhausted#i am just. fully expecting to see my printer on monday just to be told he hasn't even opened my email and hasn't printed anything#i was waiting all day for a guy to install better internet for me#i was told he will come today at 11:30#at 1PM i call my internet provider to ask them where the fuck he is#they tell me. 'oh did you not get a message that his visit was rescheduled to 21st?'#i did not. i received no such message. i've already been waiting A MONTH for this faster internet. and now i'll be waiting another 10 day#btw these keychains? i was also waiting all day for the postman to call me and let me know he's at my building#so that i could go get the package#bc our postmen decided that actually they don't want to deliver packages anymore YOU have to go out and get them#he did not call me. he had my number btw. he just didn't call me. he just left a note in my mailbox#meaning that i had to go to the post myself like 5 hours later because that's when packages return to the post office#there were like two more vents in the tags but tumblr nerfed me#bitching about all this in the tags made me feel a little better tbh
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Don't you think it's a bit sad how socially if you're bad at something or something doesn't go your way you can talk about it freely and everyone is sympathetic and when something finally goes right everyone cheers
But if things usually go well for you you're supposed to shut up about it lest it sounds like you're bragging or trying to make others feel miserable and when something finally goes wrong everyone calls that "karma", is happy about your misfortune or tells you to suck it up because "everything else goes great for you why do you care"
I don't know I suppose I'm just a privileged whiny child that is upset that something isn't as good as she wanted it to be
#my post#babbling blue#personal#do not reblog#stars its just#i got some news that i should be happy and proud of but here i am thinking#'thats all?'#its like with little children when people remind themselves#'well its the biggest problem they had to face YET of course theyre treating it like ots important even when its not'#except the older you get the less it still applies#because im just an adult who has never had anything bad happen to them in their life#and now every little inconvenience is a disaster to me#so yeah the best answer i can count on is 'its not such a big problem dont worry <3'#if thats not privilege than i dont know what is#stars there are people my age who have to fight every day for survival physically and mentally#and here i am crying because im actually useless and not as smart as i thought i was boo fucking hoo#thats a reason why others would cry about me not i myself#stars why am i narcissistic enough to see everyone as worse than me but not enough to not notice my flaws
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It’s almost 6 in the morning. Can’t sleep. Admittedly lonely. So I’ll type a little text post to feel like I’m actually “doing” something.
Doubled my vilazadone. Started buspirone. I’ve been on a diuretic for my ears (it’s complicated) for about a week now, but whether it’s coincidental or not, my hearing has been pretty great since I started. But hearing comes and goes, so we’ll see if this holds in the coming weeks. My body is having trouble adjusting to all of these new meds, but I think it’s starting to rebalance itself. Chemicals, man…
Okay, I really don’t know what else to say here. Just bored on a Saturday night… well, now Sunday morning. Might go eat some captain crunch. I just started the buspirone and I think it’s maybe making me.. eeeeee 😬😬😬😬… you get it? Not anxious, just on edge. They said take before bed to get used to it, but maybe they meant “hey, take as you’re falling asleep, because if you’re awake when it kicks in, you will stay awake.” Or maybe it’s just normal loneliness and anxiety keeping me up. Who knows. This seems like a downer post, yeah? Sorry. It’ll be positive, ya. I’ll go make some cereal, watch some tv, you all can do whatever you’re doing this morning. There are some birds chirping outside, I’ll see if my cats are awake, it’ll be nice.
#I don’t know if there’s any real way to come on here and tell people you’re lonely without it just coming off as depressing & off putting#like… what are y’all supposed to do about that?#you can’t rightly come through the phone and sit in bed with me#I just… blegh… need to be around someone in the flesh#or I don’t. whatever#anyway…#I’ve been rewatching Lost after… wow about 10 years. I don’t think ever finished it tho but damn it kinda fucks#and I’ve been pretty into Death Stranding#good distractions#there was about a week or two where I literally had so much anxiety I couldn’t daydream. just constant doom thoughts#but now I’m back to my little dumb world building in my head all the time#telling myself I’m going to write books or something but I never actually sit down and do it but still… it’s nice#of course I always have this sword of damocles hanging over me of when the next huge wave of anxiety will hit me#what will go wrong next that just absolutely fucks my mental health into the earth#buuut that’s why I started these new meds.#that’s why I have an appointment with a new therapist this week.#have to be prepared for the next time the sky falls down#jeez okay this is getting too heavy#I forgot what I was going to do. I’ve just been mindlessly typing#oh yeah. gonna jack it then eat some cereal#okay bye I love you#text
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