#and like. i dont even know if what i made is good enough! if it's not too obvious or too vague
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You're losing me pt.1 POLY 141 x F, Reader
TW: cheating, hurt no comfort, heavy angst, dubious consent, there will be a happy end in the last part dont worry
pt.2
The most important thing about a POLY relationship was trust, and you knew you could trust them with all your heart. Kyle was so devoted to you that the mere thought of sleeping with another woman made him sick to his stomach. John was so full of loyalty towards you that he would never do anything to destroy your trust. Simon would rather kill himself than hurt you, the man who didn’t even dare to sleep with you for the first three months, afraid of hurting you should cheat on you? Never. And Johnny, oh your Johnny, was the sweetest of all of them. He took you on all these dates, introduced you to his family, and not a day went by without a compliment, nor a return from deployment without a bouquet of your favorite flowers.
So why do you still feel jealous sometimes? John reassured you over and over again that it was normal for you to feel jealous. He reassured you that nothing was happening while they were on deployment; they had each other for the fun stuff but definitely no other females; that spot was reserved for you, and only you.
Still, when you saw the new medic, you were so close to puking your guts out. She was beautiful, so stunningly beautiful and cool. A field medic is more in understanding with their branch than you with your job as a teacher. "Don’t need a medic, love," Simon reassured you once again, "we love that you're soft and not so rugged of war." Kyle immediately asked if he should stop talking with her outside of missions, and there you had your safety and reassurance.
Two months you spent without them; their last tour took a bit longer than expected. When John surprisingly texted you yesterday that they were back, you couldn’t contain your happiness. Unfortunately, you didn’t have time yesterday evening since you worked late, but you were eager to surprise them today on base, even though they thought you were only coming Wednesday. But hey, they’d be happy about the surprise. So you baked their favorite goods, put yourself in a cute outfit, and went on base.
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Johnny woke up with the worst headache of his life. He didn’t even remember drinking that much, only a few pints. Normally, he was more resistant. He felt a warm body around him and hair all over his face. He didn’t remember bringing you home yesterday, but yesterday was very blurry for him anyway. But he couldn’t complain; he missed you so much. When he nuzzled inside your neck, he smelled a different perfume than usual. It didn’t smell that great, but that's not something he’d say to you. Maybe he’d buy you a bottle of your favorite perfume as a present. The hair felt slightly different too, and your figure, did you change really so much in two months? When he opened his eyes and saw her, he couldn’t believe this. This must have been a dream, a bad dream. He looked down and noticed her lack of clothes under the blanket. "Fuck," he cursed out as he jumped out of bed, waking up the medic.
"What’s wrong, Johnny?"
"Don’t call me that; only she and SI can."
"You didn’t complain yesterday when I moaned it," the medic said with a teasing smile, grinning like a kid on Christmas.
"Don’t tell me we…" he pleaded.
"Of course, we did, Sweetheart."
Fuck, fuck, fuck, he screwed up. How could he do this? Where were the others? Why didn’t they stop him? How would they react? God, they'd kill me. No, she won’t. She will look at me with this disappointing glance.
As if the situation wasn’t worse enough, the guys walked in, looking at her standing completely naked. Kyle turned immediately around, but John looked knowing exactly like Ghost.
"You have 5 seconds to explain yourself, Soap," John grunted out, his hoarse voice sounding even deeper than usual.
"Oh, Johnny and I just had a bit of fun, Cap. Don’t worry; we can still go if you want to," she smiled brightly, her hand running over Price's clothed abs.
He pushed her away. "The only thing you're going to do is shower and leave."
She didn’t move. "It’s an order, not a suggestion, soldier," so she went to the shower, leaving the four men alone.
Kyle was on his way outside. "Where are you going, Sergeant?" Ghost asked.
"Telling my girlfriend that that bastard cheated on her. You don’t deserve her, not even a bit."
"Your girlfriend?"
"You won’t tell her a thing."
"You don’t get to decide that, Ghost," Kyle almost spat out.
"Ah, really, didn’t remember a thing."
Kyle went to him, grabbed him, and pushed him into a wall. "You fucking idiot, you ruined everything just because you couldn’t control your fucking cock."
"Stop."
"Aren’t you happy about it, Garrick? Now you have her alone like you always wanted?" Ghost asked, challenging the man who hurt his Johnny. He thought there must be a logical explanation for this; Johnny loved you; he wouldn’t do that.
"I said, fucking stop," John screamed at everyone.
You heard a lot of screams around the base. When you finally went to the room of Johnny and Kyle, you saw everyone there around, fighting. "So that’s what you do when I'm away to keep you in check," you hummed, chuckling a bit.
They looked at you in horror. Instead of the usual running towards you from Kyle, the picking you up from John, or the thousand kisses from Johnny, they just stood there in shock.
"Everything alright, boys?" you asked, letting the cupcakes rest on the table you baked for them.
"Love, look—" Kyle started but got stopped by Simon.
And from that moment, it went downhill. You noticed a flashy pink bra, definitely not your size, so far from your size that you were confused. "Whose is this?" you picked it up, and no words came out of them.
"No…" you already thought about the worst, but you wanted to give them a chance. Maybe it was a damn coincidence, Johnny's sister visiting or anything like that. The doubt went away in a second when she walked out of the bathroom, completely naked. "Oh, you're still together."
"Who of you?" you begged that they didn’t say all.
"I was. I'm so sorry," John said, his face looked apologetic, while the others looked surprised at their captain.
"It’s over," you muttered, trying not to cry to save you at least a bit of dignity. You were so stupid to trust them like that.
"Love, no, please," Kyle begged while Johnny and John were just silent.
"With all of us?" Ghost asked, wounded.
"You all knew it, and no one told me that John slept with that slag."
"EY!"
"Shut up," Ghost barked at the medic.
"I swear to you, I wanted to tell you," Kyle pleaded.
"Well, you didn’t, did you?"
"No, love, wait."
"It’s over," you asked out of the door, shutting them down from following you. "Let me the fuck alone."
"Let her go," John said to his men and they listened.
Back in the comfort of your own home, you allowed yourself to cry, holding your dog Winston till you felt in an unpeaceful slumber.
#cod#cod mw2#cod mwii#cod x reader#call of duty#tf 141 x reader#tf 141#captain john price#john price#simon ghost riley#poly 141#task force 141#task force 141 x reader#poly 141 x reader#141 x reader#kyle gaz x you#kyle gaz x reader#kyle gaz garrick#soap mw2#john soap mactavish#soap cod#soap x reader#141#ghost call of duty#ghost#ghost headcanons#ghost x reader#ghost x you#ghost x y/n#ghost x soap
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mini update yay-
so lets see, ill start off apologizing for being dead- exam season is around the corner and the only good thing about that will be that i will no longer have to teach or design papers- so i can probably draw a bit again, hopefully at least- so i WILL get back to the requests yall have sent me i promise uwu💕
tho bad news comes in the form of my school principles and viceprinciples bullying me because im a newbie, saying im not good at my job and putting their shortcomings as my fault because who wouldnt like to blame someone else for something they werent able to do- and i feel like the abuse im taking in this toxic environment is convincing me slowly to quit my job and start risking less stable jobs even if it means being my daddies little house girl again for a while. 🙄 at the very least even if im leaching off my parents i still actually HAVE somewhat decent parents and thats not something alot of people could say and im greatful for that.
the audacity was well shown when the principle went on the teachers meeting and was like "some of the teachers here who i will not name dont know how to do their job-" and then told me that i only got my job cuz my dad is rich [which yeah sure my daddy studied 4 years of uni and then credited me sure mmhmm makes sense.] and honestly i feel like im surrounded by 50 year old toddlers-
overall, learning to adult is difficult and im glad some people are helping me figure out how to put together a resume and apply for jobs and all that.... but i guess the next bad news comes in the form of us leaving for russia. i dont hate seeing other countries but having my life uprooted immediately after work ends and summer starts and selling off the car and putting stuff in boxes and yeeting ourselves via plane to live somewhere else for the next 4 years in pure isolation is not something my mental health is gonna be haha about. esp since im gonna have to talk to my therapist and doctor to give me enough meds for me to be able to search for another doctor while im there to give me similar treatment. ughhhhhhh.
overall i feel like i have reached a lovely level of ✨️no longer giving a shit about existance✨️ and thanks to some friends i was convinced juuuuust enough to reconsider ending myself :) in my defense, google was getting annoying for only bringing up hotlines =_=
my eyes cant see well anymore due to constant crying and emotional numbness has taken over me, so i apologize if i may seem out of it or a lil blunt at times when im talking lol i no longer have the energy to PRETEND and hold a mask to seem SOCIALLY appropriate and in this last month of school im gonna be making it everyone elses problem at school.
but other than that im looking forward for school ending so i could just sleep for a while without waking up BEFORE my alarms at 5am.
ok lets see what else uhh... my bday is on 19th and i pray to lord nobody makes a surprise party for me here, the anxiety of being in crowds is already kicking me in the ass im not ready to pretend to have a social battery ugh.
okay thats it mostly, i think.
i actually made this update MINI get it? :D
...ill show myself out...
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Severus Snape x chatty!reader Soulmate AU
Writers block with stardew valley stuff so im trying something totally different to shake the cobwebs loose
do ppl still need to say they dont fuck with jkr or is it a given at this point? (genuine question)
*meet-cute!!!*
*this reader has titties and gender neutral pronouns*
Walking quickly, your eyes are glued to your phone as you round the corner of a street in London. You are already running late for a meeting but you absolutely refuse to deal with your coworker's bullshit without something caffeinated in your hands.
Just as you are about to look up and find the entrance to the cafe you frequent, you slam into something. You squeak out a nervous gasp when you realize it wasn't a lamp post, but a person.
"Ohmygosh I am so so so sorry!" You say, frantically digging in your bag for your horde of cocktail napkins. Your eyes flit nervously over the stranger, realizing you're both covered in his drink order. Dabbing at his torso with your little napkins, his silence makes you about a thousand times more anxious.
"I really am so so sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going, it's totally my fault." You stammer out, glancing at up at his face while you pat pat pat his chest with your napkins.
Your poor little heart, already beating like a hummingbird in your chest, leaps into your throat at the sight of the hottest fucking guy you've ever seen in your life. The kind of hottie you would chase down the street to throw yourself at. You've done very embarrassing things to get a chance to know people who are far less good-looking than this man in front of you now. And because you were too preoccupied with your phone, you're almost certain you won't be walking away with his number.
And he's frozen, staring at you with a weird look on his face. Definitely the worst first impression you could have possibly made.
Never one for fits of grace, you frown and say, "People as attractive as you should come with an escape lever." You throw the soggy napkins in the trash nearby and add, "I hate embarrassing myself in front of hot people."
Still not getting a response, you turn and look up at him. "You gonna say anything handsome?"
-
Severus Snape has never been rendered this speechless in his entire life.
The day the courts ruled him not guilty enough for Azkaban was certainly shocking, but even that paled in comparison to what he was experiencing now.
He was leaving his favorite coffee shop when he bumped into a muggle. People are clumsy, it happens. But then, instead of apologizing and running away from the tall scary man, they started talking to him. The sweetest, softest voice Severus had ever heard, telling him he's... hot. Attractive. Handsome.
Every single time anyone has ever shown interest in him in public, Severus has immediately and viciously shut them down. Far better to come across as an asshole upfront than to be humiliated and heartbroken later.
But now, he had this sweet little muggle running their warm hands all over his chest in a matter of seconds. Before he could snarl at them to back off, he looked down and, well.
What was already a very low-cut top was now soaked with tea, becoming slightly translucent. Half of Severus was now laser-focused on the stretch of the damp fabric over your tits, while the other half was screaming at him to get a hold of himself.
You asked him a question, he realizes. Jerking his head around to face you properly, he blurts out, "Huh?"
Oh he's doomed, he thinks.
-
You gasp and grab his arm, "Oh no I'm already so late I need to go right now but listen, here's a bit of money to buy yourself a new drink it's the least I can do I'm so so sorry for running into you and dashing away but I really am late it was nice to meet you bye!"
Hustling away, you sigh and hope you run into him again. Such a shame you couldn't stay and flirt longer. Checking your watch, you growl and break into a jog. Fuck this day, you think.
-
"Fuck this day" Severus mutters, before heading down an alley to dissipate home. Just like him to meet someone who actually thinks he's attractive only for them to be so late they have to literally run.
It was only a fraction of a moment, but Severus knows it'll be the thing keeping him from falling down a pit of despair some nights.
Hating himself as he does it, he sniffs the money you handed him. It smells like your perfume. He sets it aside on his dresser.
Pathetic virgin, he thinks.
Later that night, however, he wakes with a gasp. "Idiot idiot idiot!" He snarls, yanking the covers away from himself. "You were so focused on them you forgot to check your soul mark" He glowers at himself in the mirror before lifting his tongue. There, on the underside, is a swirl unique to him and his soulmate.
His heart skips a beat when he sees it glitter in the dingy bathroom lighting. It's activated. And the only people he spoke to yesterday were you and the exhausted-looking barista.
He thinks of the look on your face when you saw him, how you pouted so cutely when you threw the napkins away. The way your clothes stretched over your body.
I've gone mad, he thinks, as he throws on some clothes and dissipates to an alley in London.
-
I am literally insane, you think.
You've been sitting on a bench outside the coffee shop you almost went in yesterday for about half an hour now. It's too early for anyone else to be up and about yet, it's about 3 in the morning. You woke up last night realizing you didn't check your soul mark after meeting that stupidly hot guy. Sure enough, it was activated.
You twist your fingers anxiously, hoping and hoping that he will show up eventually. You'll be so sad if it's not him.
Suddenly, you hear an odd noise in a nearby alley. Nervously, you run your hands along your pepper spray.
Turning your head to look, you see him. Disheveled and breathing heavy, he locks eyes with you and storms over.
Feeling slightly lightheaded, you rush towards him and lift your tongue up so he can see. Tears of happiness and overwhelm run down your face when he nods and shows you his activated mark.
"Can I...?" You open your arms, asking for a hug.
Hesitating, he steps into your embrace, standing like a stiff board while you sniffle into his shirt and squeeze him tight.
You have a good feeling about this.
(not sure how to end it so ill call it here 🤗)
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im so fucking tired of the disrespect gifmakers get on the gifmaker website
#kai.txt#negativity tw#(sorry these are gonna be a lot of tags. i have a lot of feelings and i dont know where else to put them)#we make gifs and nobody reblogs them#when they do get reblogged all people want to tell you is that your gifs arent good enough to them and rip it to shreds#'you're missing x' 'why didnt you do y' 'if i made this i would have abc' 'hey op ur wrong and this is why' 'i dont like this op'#reposters dont even reblog your fucking gifset but they'll save your gifs to repost later asking for how to do something#that they could have asked you how to do in the fucking first place#we reblog ourselves constantly because nobody else will and maybe to make our work look like it has more notes than it does#to make ourselves feel better about the lack of interaction we're getting#and then when we TALK about this frustration we have. people who are too afraid to say it to our faces#go on anon in our askboxes and tell us how we're somehow selfish for wanting people to interact with the sets#that we spent time on. hours. days. WEEKS in some cases#or we get anons who tell us the reason we dont have notes are because we arent good at gifmaking in the first place#but this is all on anon. because they're too scared to tell it to our faces#they're too scared for us to see that they ARENT a gifmaker and that they dont know how to do it any better either#they dont see us as people doing something we love as a hobby. they see us as content machines that dance like court jesters#im just so fucking tired of the disrespect#and this sentiment goes for more than just gifmakers. graphicmakers. artists. literally any creative hobby shared on this site#we get treated like shit and for what? literally for fucking what.
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realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards
*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#clone^2#danny fenton is a clone#like i dont even need to traumatize you worse the pure explorative options from this aLONE is enough to feed me for a week.#like. tucks hair behind ear let me shatter you into glass pieces then glue you back together babe. i can put you back together so good.#i'm missing a few shards because some parts of you broke into such small pieces i couldn't pick them back up again so you'll be missing a#few chunks of yourself that you'll never get back but that's okay. you'll still be a resemblance of your old self :]#don't let anakin (me) listen to late night sad songs he makes angst.#hhh imagine being stuck in a house for two weeks where you can hear your parents torturing ghosts in the basement and not only that but#you're the only person who can undERSTAND the ghosts. how many times did he see his parents drag in a ghost with whatever capturing device#they made recently? iirc the thermos was like. brand new in episode one right? but gOD the trauma this alone would cause#nobody touch me im cooking rn i need to think about how this would impact danny. like obvs it would fuel into a developing obsession to#keep his parents away from ghosts and to help the dead but what *else.* i need to refine my becoming phantom ficlet i wrote back in winter#raaa#and like even after two weeks they were *still capturing ghosts* danny just wasn't in the house 24/7 at the time.#*but those two fucking weeks man*#i need to sleep on this first before i make any major moves bc i know im tired but i am having thOUGHTs
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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I change how I feel about Gregory and Tony's relationship ten thousand times a day
#like i dont even think theyd get together if tony was how he was in ggy#gregory wouldnt work to fix him or something hed hate him for being mean to ellis#its why all my beckory stuff i always imagine is in a specific scenario both when theyve been through stuff#and also after like years have passed and theyre 14/15#AND most importantly tony has had the chance to become a better person and make up with ellid#i think there cant be beckory without ellis#all the stuff ive made for them save for like rabbit burrow i feel doesnt match how i see them in my head#i don't even know how i feel about gregory in a romantic relationship still#idc about it when hes 12 and doesnt have 3 star fam yet but ive alqays seen it in a beckory dtance#as it being good that gregory can think about romance now because he got what he needed most already#but atill.#hes just such a family guy#but i really do like the beckory ship#its so interesting#idk ive changed my mind a lot and havent made enough stuff of them to keep up#with how i see them nowadays#i want to fix that#also i think i feel like the beckody stuff ive made feels shallow because#if its in a scenario where a lot of stuff has happened to get them to that point#and none of that stuff is shown and you dont see them chance#they just feel like randomly completely different people#idk im trying to muster up writing that multichapter ive been wanting to write#and sovereign is pretty much abandonded only because it wasnt working out at all#and ive truly taken everything good from that fic and added it to this new concpet#that made both seperate ideas better#so its a good thing#after the week im gonna try and recharge my writing battery#since the great ipad explosion of 2024 and scrambling to finish the week kinds fried my brain#i miss writing💔#and also wanna explore this new fic concpet im absolutely in love with
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#they are humans after all#but max making mistakes from pressure? the same 23 y.o max fighting for his first title against literally the statistical goat? that max?#But honestly when did max make a mistake due to him being under pressure?#Maybe at jeddah 2021 quali n his lockup in singapore 2022 but what else? His last 4 races in 2021? They weren't mistakes#they were clearly deliberate verstaliban tactics he couldn't fight lewis with merc being much faster he would've risked a penalty/dsq#n not regretting losing the championship at the end it was just verstaliban verstalibaning fr n we saw it this year n we saw it last year#even against mick in Silverstone n this is what max said about it#“it was a good battle. I was like 'well he had to know to back off otherwise we are both out' Luckily he is smart enough to.”#lol he got cooked for this but it was verstaliban not pressure n that's my point#“carlos in singapore” old man bffr redbull fucked up their setup n everyone knows that they were the 4th fastest car that weekend#n no don't bring up his hungary n his spain mistakes in 2022 as pressure mistakes they were just mistakes due to gust of wind n wet weather#n guess what he won both of these races#This year he almost lost it at the front when he was like 15s+ from the rest n giggled about it was that from pressure?#no if it happened then it would've been just a mistake#I honestly don't remember anyone excuses max's mistakes are due to him pushing over the limit or he's driving an understeery car that#puts him under pressure as well if he made a mistake then he was a bozo n simply a mistake#(except for jeddah which was a rare mistake from being under pressure n we called it a bottle)#I dont wanna go there but he set up his team when his team n drivers make mistakes without even a title pressure#oof i had to let it out#max verstappen
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having thoughts about what makes an interesting idol rhythm game
#i can expand upon it but i think its mostly like. what's the gimmick it's using and how is it executing it#like enstars you have the 3d mvs that you can put whoever you want in and have different outfits to put them in#d4dj you have the dj booth layout that you play with and it utilizes it very well#hypmic is a rap based game entirely and also utilizes record scratching imagery in its gameplay#and then proseka and bandori. proseka's gimmick is very obviously like vocaloids#but in the game play its trying to be too many things and failing at all of them#they have some 3d mvs but the layout of the beat maps makes them like#not really. something i notice when i played it. bc the way they have the map layout set up it kinda grays out the video#which means you might as well not have it on. for enstars the lanes are entirely transparent#so you can see the mv clearly as you play if you have 3d mv on u know#and then like. idk the proseka gameplay just feels brutal.#mostly because it times when you lift off the hold notes and literally no other game does this#even games that use goods as combo breakers like hypmic dont fucking do that#also i do appreciate the flick notes in hypmic being just. flick whereever feels natural#helps a lot while playing to just flick whichever way you want#but anyway yeah i think proseka is relying too much on the vocaloid schtick and people just ignore the atrocious game play#like d4dj does straight lane better. hypmic and enstars are both ring lanes that do their gimmicks well#i do not like proseka can u tell#i didnt play enough bandori to really tell u whats going on there but i did not like the layout for their game#and its made by the same people who make proseka so like. no hope for me getting into it#anyway#shay speaks
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So funny that i find myself w less and less new music to discover compared to what i was finding in my teen years, and i am like 98% sure its bc i havent watched frag videos or amvs in over a decade 😭
#chattin#like nearly 60% of my songs are from my ipod.#my IPOD#hundreds of songs i found from watching High Art from before 2012#i have songs from last fm that literally do not exist ANYWHERE anymore. like i gotta make an effort to upload some of these for ppl#whereas most of my newly discovered songs are from artists i found prior to 2012 (and theyre still making music)#artists adjacent to THOSE artists#video game music#and artists related to that music#so im not like. exposed to completely mew and untethered music yanno?#mew……i meant NEW 😭#that one insane uno video had a really REALLY good song and i have no idea if it was made for the video or if it exists on ytube or bandcamp#and i absolutely count that as an amv lmao#i think its bc i dont play games that would make for good frags anymore like ovw and halo#and i dont watch anime anymore so i havent tried to watch amvs#like. there was a really good mp100 one but i wasnt invested enough to look for more 😭#maybe i should ask my sister for some jjk amvs….theres lots of fighting in that one right? i think that would help#u have no idea what people deem a good song for amvs and thats what makes them so fun; i love knowing what people listen to#oh i just realized; i think i am showing my age; do ppl even call it frags anymore???#is it an amv or a fancam?? or something else…i also dont use tiktok so im unsure of the terms there too…
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o i wanted to make a post that im honestly not smart enough to actually sit down and think out but i like the way meryls trauma doesnt completely woobify her character but does still affect her, it just feels nice to see a female charcater not be completely reduced to a wet soggy mess bc of trauma but also not to (very unrealistically) just Get Over It i think trigun has a nice balance and its refreshing
#also not saying its a secret feminist masterpiece or anything (coz ive seen ppl say that and. come on) but i still think it does well-#enough to be given an appreciative nod#i mean its clear nightow didnt know what to do w milly n meryl after a certain point bc there was just. So much goin on w vash and knives#so he just has the girls do some nomad stuff offscreen until he was ready to bring them back in and yknow what i dont hate that#i think its important to note the women in trigun are fucking amazing tho like. rem meryl luida elendira even lina#and yeah millys underdeveloped but still shes so good#so im not gnna sit here and criticise nightow for being just as misogynistic as some other male mangaka bc i think he does very well#and thats not even to say the bar is on the floor like i truly believe that. i love meryl for a reason#but. ppl can we maybe stop w the 'trigun is so feminist' praise bc lets be real nightow probably just has a thing for strong women#98 anime is a little different tho i was pullin some faces while rewatching some clips.#im obvs talking abt the manga#and stampede is still not done so i wont comment too much on that besides the fact i like where its going (girlwise)#i dont usually like viewing manga thru this lense bc its not the same culture and feminism looks different in japan than it does over here#but i saw a chart. it made me twist up my face and go hrrrrnnnmmmmmnnnnmmnnm..... nnhhnnhhjnnn... mmmmmmmm#jesus i didnt mean to go off in these tags i just wanted to make another 'meryl good' post for the pile#ig im still thinkin abt that chart idk i guess it stuck w me (regretfully)#anyway point is i love meryl for a reason trigun women are great thanks nightow but im not gnna praise him for bein a feminist icon
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Wow.
#shes always fucking like this#shes akways mad at us#and talking like this to us#and shes like “i guess im the villain even though im just trying to help ”#NO THE FUCK YOU AREN'T#you FAIL to recognize when we're feeling uncomfortable scared or distressed.#i do understand I'M the problem sometimes. i fail to do things#but you make me feel like i want to fucking drown myself every time i do mess up#i never feel good enough#and you hsve said thst you've never wanted kids in the first place TO MY FACE#I'm sorry you're going through things#i understand and see that you are struggling as well#and i know it's hard to help others when you yourself need help#but you not recognizing what the limit is and what your words and actions say#has made me feel like i dont deserve to live#and i dont deserve love#i feel broken#and i feel inhuman#and its your fault#im acting more adult than you and that speaks volumes
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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
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book 5 of the year done!!!! im literally one book away from halfway to my goal and the first month of the year isn't even over yet fjsksk i am DEFINITELY going to hit it this year!
#SUUUUPER bummed to say tho that ive made it to the first book of the year i havent enjoyed :/#the worst part is — its the first in a series apparently and like. i WANT to know what happens next#but also i dont CARE enough to want to keep reading the rest of the series yknow?#like. this first book was just SOOOO disjointed#it was ALL exposition#it spent 500 pages giving individual backstories for each of the characters. as in each character l i t e r a l l y told their story#which first of all absolutely BORING way to get to know your characters and second of all NONE od these characters were even likeable!!!#and the worldbuilding was just. weird. it kind of didnt make sense and felt all over the place#and FULLY felt like he was just throwing random sci-fi-y words around to make it sound cooler but like. it wasnt.#and like all these characters are together on this pilgrimage right#but it is NEVER really revealed why/what they plan to do when they get to their end destination/anything like that#and im between each of these character backstories it feels like the same stuff one person is like oh wow what a story lets get some sleep#and then they do and they wake up and they do the tiniest bit of traveling#(which is like. described in the most lackluster barebones way) and then they eat and share another story and rinse and repeat#it was SO boring#it honestly reminded me of the movie the eternals LMAO#all these characters and you get to know a little about them but not enoguh to become invested and none of them are all that interesting#and the purpose of their journey/the purpose of THEM is completely unknown is completely devoid#like it felt like there was no plot#it was. ough not good.#so yeah would NOT recommend hyperion by dan simmons :/#mack reads
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it's been 84 years but ive finished my thasmissy fic
heres the link:
and heres the video i made for it a year ago:
youtube
#aaaaaaaa it's done#it's my first story of this length it's like three times as long as my longest story so far i think#so naturally i have a lot to pick on. 'didnt do this well enough. theres an issue here i dont know how to fix' etc#but im still proud that i made it. even if it's very juvenile#in subject and perspective and form and execution#thats alright bc like. IM juvenile#im young and my art is very young#thats alright im allowed to be young and not yet very good at things#there was still value in making this. for me#you have to make bad art#ive internalised what that means now i think#and if nothing else ive almost tripled the total thasmissy word count on ao3 i believe gkhjhgj#that must count for something right
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i dont know what's wrong with me but i always feel so sad and heartbroken when i see Colt.
like i feel so overwhelmed with love for him but i really cannot imagine him loving me back. like. like. he's everything. and i'm just keri. y'know.
augh. it feels... impossible. like i am not Good Enough for him. he would not look twice at me. i didn't used to have this problem until i was abused for so long and now it's like... i cannot imagine receiving love unless if it is through violence. oogh. hurts my heart like a motherfucker. i miss the old me.
#before this year happened i was always SO 100% ready to self ship#i would look at ANYONE. any any ANY character in the WORLD#and i'd be like. oh they'd love me!!! no doubts in my mind whatsoever. they LOVE me!!!! even the worst villains ever!!!#BUT nowadays im constantly like. ok i am not good enough. i am not pretty enough#i am not [insert word here] enough no matter what i'd do to change my appearance or personality to fit someone's desires#i *never* used to look down on myself THIS often and to THIS degree#now i genuinely believe that i cannot be loved unless it is through violence#or that im only desirable if im in a vulnerable position where im in pain or hurting bc i was told it made me 'cute'#and like?? it's stupid? they're fictional? why can't i just... stop thinking that lowly of myself?#my abuser is gone so why am i still believing all of the things they said to me??#i want Colt to love me for Me. i want Ken to love me for Me#but i also feel like. im unlovable to them unless if im useful or... bleeding or beaten up or something. christ#TF f/os are gone. out the window. i lost them. and im so scared of losing my Ryan F/Os too when i need them so badly#idk how to be myself bro i dont know where the old me is!!!#im being stupid im sorry i just gotta throw this into the void 😭#vent#delete later#abuse mention
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