AAAAAA COOL DRUMMING MAN ASKED IF I WANTED TO COME WATCH HIM DRUM TONIGHT IM EXCITED

i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa

ive been awake for 24 hours gothic font i hate adult life

Lel

Ive got work at 7am tomorrow and I need the sleep, soo

Heres my new year's post bc I am not staying up

lel, enjoy and see ya in the new year.

Also, thank you all for being there for me during the year, some more than others lel, but still! Have a happy 2023!!

may i ask why you support endogenic systems? genuinely curious on your thoughts on it.

Tldr; they’re cool. Idm. The rest of this devolves into me bursting into flames. So popcorn is recommended.

They fuck, putting on my little shit glasses. Here’s what I can say diagnostic criteria as someone with diagnosed DID is kinda fucking awful. Our system for people with mental illnesses isn’t comprehensive, it isn’t all knowing, we also don’t account for so much shit it’s scary.

I have so many endogenic friends. I can’t give a fuck. Their existence doesn’t effect mine. Language is a different story something I see a lot. My only ask is that an endogenic system doesnt claim they fully understand a DID system which ive seen in syscourse. That’s just not gonna happen similar to lived experiences issues. Their different experiences and thats fine.

I think tolerance is a better word for me. Because i am system aggressive and it doesnt discriminate. You put me near other systems because of previous abuse from other traumagenic systems im prone to lash out. I just can’t conntect well like I used to.

So i tolerate all of you. Equally. I don’t see a reason to discriminate. I’ve seen some abuse on both ends and don’t think its a systematic issue rather a individuals are assholes problem.

Honestly? Seems more like a huge distraction to have a little war this way to distract from the rampant abuse all systems face. We should all agree its bullshit theres no accommodations, systems aren’t prevalent in academics yet. Thats a bigger issue. If you wanna spend time helping people with say DID or accomodations related to their plurality id take a dip into academic papers and see how bad it really is.

Let’s set the stage and remind ourselves.

In 2010 it was okay to force integrate systems

In the early 2000’s and 90’s endogenics and traumagenic systems didnt have much of any significant voice in medical settings. Typically treated as schitzophrenia for BOTH.

In the 1980’s it was okay and normal to overdose a paitent with DID and kill them. Then claim it was an alter.

When i see people fight over endogenic systems. I want to scream st them thats not the point. When I was being told by my first therapist to be very careful as a 14 year old because its a very real fear i will be experimented on without my consent.

I wonder why the FUCK endogenics are even on peoples radar. When I do intensive EMDR for years that cost me thousands of dollars out of pocket. I work fulltime jobs JUST to go to therapy.

This blog is my fun haha blog where I go to disconnect. Tomorrow im waking up at 7am to drive for intensive therapy getting myself in debt and picking up new meds for my DID.

Nothing about plurality is even remotely safe yet. Not safe enough to bicker about why endos should stay in their lane. We have a common enemy. Endogenic systems have so much information to. They know how to communicate without dissociation. I envy thag because DID costs me past 7k its a car at this point. Probably more.

Why would i not support someone whose got their shit figured out? I respect the hell out of that. I just don’t see why their an issue. Not when I have to listen to my disability officer tell me im not disabled enough. I have to argue with someone dipshit that my pain isn’t farfetched and I will experience very real consequences without accommodations.

I love playing the victim though. Traumagenic systems are noteably more unstable than endogenic systems. We are literally disordered. Im system aggressive because i cannot stand to see functionality in other systems. Ive watched traumagenic systems tear into endogenics, raid their spaces and spew hate in the name of ???

Happens on both sides. Like i said but its easier to pretend were the victims. Im just very tired of going through therapy, life, and social interactions at a disadvantage. Endogenic systems remind me theres people like me who are a little different who maybe arent as fucked. I think thats cool. Because its hard for me to tell if im gonna make it or not. I like the inspiration.

You caught me at a bad time anon ask me again after im done with some of the hardest choices ive had to make in my life

Sunday 2 August 1835

7 10

12 ½

no kiss  breakfast at 8 10 - dullish coolish morning - breakfast at 8 10 -  A- off on the gray horse (1st time of her mounting him) to Lightcliffe school (her own pony being blistered on the near skin bone for a splent) walked with A- as far as Charles Howarth’s to see how she got on - on returning turned the ponies into the paddock and finished my breakfast - then at my desk writing the after part of yesterday etc till A- returned at 11 5 - then with her (rather tired) till went to my aunt at 12 ½ - read the short service in 20 minutes and sat with her till 1 from soon after then to after 2 very heavy rain with thunder and lightning so that we would not order the carriage out, and did not get to the school till 2 ¾ - only a minute or two there - the children had got their feet wet, so A- sent them home instead of to church - we ½ hour in the church (till 3 ½) before Mr Wilkinson got into the pulpit - he did all the duty - preached about 20 minutes - from Hebrew iv. 8, I think - sat an hour at Cliff hill Mrs AW- very glad to see us - seemed pleased at the idea of our going to London - then ¼ hour at Crownest explaining to Washington about Turner’s estimate for stones for the Tail goit and A- looking at plan of her Halifax property - gave SW- an order unlimited to buy the cottages in Hatters fold (let for about or above £50 per annum) to be put up to auction on Wednesday next – SW- to see Mr Leather on Tuesday and if not, to leave a note for him - told him SW- to give the average water at 5 1/2in. thro’ a 2ft. guage - 2 pumps of 8in. bore to life water 90ft. - what dimensions of wheel and goit does Mr. Leather recommend?  home at 6 ½ - dinner at 7 - a little while with my father and Marian to wish goodnight - then had Booth - he is now (having had the plans at home) in good spirits about the Lodge and bridge which he will begin of immediately - Charles H- had told him I was going away for 2 or 3 months, so B- came for money but can wait 2 or 3 weeks - explained about the Northgate business and how I went by the estimate of the work without taking into the account the price offered for old materials - B- thought it ‘nothing but right’ - then coffee till 9 - then wrote the last  16 lines of today - settled with George - we could have the places to London - indeed if we had taken them to Sheffield it would cost no more to go forwards to London! Lucky we determined to take them forwards an idea that only came into my head during the sermon at church this afternoon! to be off at 7am tomorrow to arrive in London at 6am on Tuesday at the Bull and Mouth - George took this evening my letter (and order for £4.10.0 on the Yorkshire district bank payable to George Buckle esquire with compliments and thanks for his civility and attention) to George Buckle Esquire Prerogative court office York post paid and my letter to ‘Mrs Hawkins 24 Dover street Piccadilly London post paid’ ordering a comfortable apartment and dinner (soup roast lamb and a pudding) to be ready for me at ‘6 on Tuesday evening the fourth instant’ - had just written so far at 9 20 - a few minutes with my aunt to wish goodnight and goodbye - she has been poorly all the day but seems rather better tonight -dullish but finish day till the very heavy rain and thunder and lightning from soon after 1 to about 2 ½ - still rain but less heavy till after 3 - afterwards fair or nearly so for the rest of the day -  packing from about 9 ¾ to 12 and A-, too, looking over maps to see what she wanted to complete a set etc etc and not in bed more than a minute or two before one

im slightly embarrassed at how much time ive spent studying this month (hint - not much compared to last month, will post EOM summary in another week)

HOWEVER i am productively moving forward and i am celebrating what ive done so far!!!

i got to buy a new tree on the forest app!!! she's beautiful 💜

THIS WORK WEEK im watching comprehensible input / destinos as soon as i wake up (7am), before work (8am), and for lunch (12pm or 12:30pm). one and half hours before EOD 😊 (waiting until i get off of work to study isn't working - this is plan A to compensate 5pm mental exhaustion)

i just sat for a Super Big Work-Related certification a little under two weeks ago (and passed 🎉), and im now studying for a Relatively Tiny Volunteer certification for a local nonprofit. i expect to be done EOD tomorrow, but itll def show up as my biggest time suck EOM. i just want to study spanish!!!!!! let me!!!!!!!!!!

last but not least I Am Getting Through that learn hangul in 90 mins video by EOW

not only did this girl give me her number but she also wants to go on a date with me <3

ughHhhh

Day Off - 4/18/22

It's been a very stressful week so Ive been a little MIA. I couldn't wait to get out of work.

Left late and drove straight home. Since money is tight lately, I decided to just leave all my debit and credit cards at home and only spend money on my days off. This also means I don't stop off at several places on the way home anymore. It's drastic but it works really well.

Anyways, went straight home and spent about 2 -3 hours walking my dogs at the park. Pinky is finally starting to walk better on leash. Aussie's health has improved the last few days and we took the longest walk in at least a couple months! I'm currently saving up for a $500 Walkin Wheels wheelchair for him. He's not in any pain but he does fall sometimes and his back legs are weaker.

After I fed the pets, I decided to just heat up some odds and ends for my Easter dinner. I knew I wasn't going to want to spend time cooking so I just had my Easter dinner the day before...also microwaved but good. A few slices of ham, mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli.

Watched TV before calling it a night. Slept okay but woke up a couple times in the night to Aussie barking for me. I accidentally left the hallway light on and he couldn't fall asleep.

Slept in (7am) and just cuddled with Pinky and stared at my phone for a couple hours before getting out of bed.

Watched TV and cooked breakfast - 2 fried eggs, bagel with cream cheese and some leftover ham.

I decided to re-open my savings account with one of my banks and transferred a couple hundred dollars over. Since I'm stricter on my spending, I decided to get back into the habit of putting a set amount of money each paycheck into my savings. Each paycheck I'll send $200 to this savings account.

I've also cut out cable, impulse buying and I reluctantly made the decision to cut out my wonderful gym membership (a $130/month expense) to combat inflation and insane rental price gouging. My apartment complex has a nice gym but it gets quickly crowded in the weight room.

Washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and got dressed. Spent another 2-3 hours with the dogs in the park.

Came home, fed the pets and decided to treat myself to lunch and run some errands. First got my car washed ($0) then ate McDonalds ($16) for lunch before putting gas in my car ($23). I spent $66 on groceries (saved $15).

Drove home and while I was unpacking my groceries, I pulled out my panini press and grilled some chicken for the week. I used 2 types of Kinder seasoning. Tossed that in a pyrex dish for when I'm too exhausted to cook.

Got ready for work tomorrow and wrote in my journal (haven't missed a day since I started it in late February). Ate a few cookies before calling it a night 👍

4/18/22

e.e

little life update under the cut

so my landlord (and ex bestie) had officially become a grade a asshole. the other day i was getting ready for work and it was early 10 minutes to 8am and i had music on. didn’t relize how loud it was and she texted me nasty saying ‘the music is being pumped in the girls room. legally after 9am is okay’. which is bullshit its; loud noises after 7am and before 11pm are okay but i didn;t argue and just said ok and the text i got back was ‘the girls don’t need to be punished by your bitterness’. like tf? i was listening to music and not thinking of yall. and im not bitter. im hurt. learn the difference. so i just told her to refrain from texting me things like that as there is no need and that i had lowered it. i’m not trying to be petty with this girl because fighting fire with fire is only going to get me burned. this friendship hurts more than any because of the kids enad because this is the girl i ran to when i use to self harm. found out she was planning this pregnancy all along and was playing me so it’s like such a punch to know half the shit she said was lies and that;s just gross to me. then her 32 yr old man is subtweeting me for no reason and talking about my mental health. MEANWHILE I HAVEN’T SAID SHIT TO ANY OF THEM. i legit avoid going outside as much as possible because i don’t want to run into them

ANYWAYS

because of all this -- ive made plans to move. and by move i mean out of state. i will know if i get the apartment by tomorrow hopefully. and if we do-- i move in two weeks. im nervous and scared but relieved at the same time.

so my time on here will probably be far and in between til we are settled. i’m hoping mid april things will calm down and i can be on here more.

so I did some digging through the internet to help u build baal anD I have some stuff that may or may not be helpful <3 ✿. raidens burst damage is based on how many resolve stacks you get from other party members resolve is like the stuff u get from using your other party members bursts so use your other party members burst first and then activate baal's burst last :D ✿. and her normal attacks when u use her burst also count as burst dmg so use your other party members bursts before using baal's and you will do big pp dmg ✿. ooo you can try the 'Emblem of Severed Fate' set for baal, since her e has a long cool down and the 2pc of that set has energy recharge while the 4pc increases elemental burst dmg by 25% of energy recharge and a maximum of 75% bonus dmg can be obtained that way ✿. hmmm okok I think I have a grasp with how she works now ✿. use her elemental skill first to buff your other characters bursts, and then after you use all of your characters bursts - switch back to baal and use her burst so basically baal elemental skill -> other party members elemental burst -> baal elemental burst I hope you understood this omg, the first thing I did this morning was research for baal builds JSHDVF I still dont know what her actual attack scales off of but I would go with just the usual atk%, crit rate, crit dmg stuff - omg idk, why are her talent descriptions so confusing HJDSGH BUT YES, these are the stuff I learned with my 1 braincell at 7am this morning🍵 ill send u an ask once I know what she scales off of but its atk% for now HJGSH

OMG KOI THIS IS AMAZING TY <333

i was following this when i was farming today she does do bigger dmg when i use her burst after everyone else's 😌 also her eye thing is great for superconduct my physical kaeya is thriving 💃

artifact grinding <///3 im prolly gonna do that tomorrow, for now im stalling by farming her talent books 😃 HELP THE RONIN GUYS DROP SO LITTLE. LIKE BRO I NEED MORE THAN UR SINGLE STUPID GREY HANDGUARD PLS

i might give her an energy recharge artifact but idk,,, ive got the favonius lance on her rn since i lack better polearms so i prolly wont need an artifact for energy recharge too but IDK BUILDS MAN <//3

BUT TY KOI THIS IS GREAT <333 ilyvm 😌

The Day I Became a Mother

It’s been a while since I last post anything here, typing feels awkward as well. But this has always been a thing that I wanted to do since the day I’ve given birth, to document and blog about my pregnancy and my birth journey, so in 4-5 years to come when my memories fade, I can always come back to reminisce every detail that I keep here, like a memory capsule. 

The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant. 

You know, when people say that when you have a strong intuition about something, trust your gut feeling, because it’s often true. Mirin and I have always talked about having kids, me wanting a baby so much within months after we got married, however, Mirin having second thoughts about it. We were both married for less than a year, sleeping on a toto without a mattress or a bed, living in the deep slum of Wangsa Maju area where the rats are larger than the cats. Hahaha. Naturally, given our circumstances, he’d want to take things slow. 

Fast forward to a couple of months, we went out for some steaks and karaoke on a weekend night. I told mirin to stop by Watsons, for me to buy a pregnancy test kit. Mirin didn’t question much, because occasionally I would randomly buy one, just for fun. But this time, I didnt just get one. I ended up buying three. Why? Because somehow, I had a strong feeling this time. I just felt... weird. It was a feeling that I can’t put it into words. 

We came home at midnight, I went to the bathroom too “pee on the stick”. Then I saw the first line... a few seconds later comes the second one. Oh my god. Okay. I knew Mirin was standing outside the toilet door, waiting. Eventually, I had to break the news to him. When I showed to Mirin, we both ended up hugging and crying. Was I happy? Was I in shock? Was I sad? Yes, a little bit of everything. Its funny that all you’ve wanted was a baby, then when it actually happens, suddenly you’re freaked out. Happy that its a blessing. Sad that it hits you without a warning. 

                                                      Pregnant!

When the morning sickness finally kicked in, I knew we couldn’t live in the current house. Its not the best place to raise a child. And the next-door neighbor was having major renovation that was super loud and noisy. After sleepless nights and searching for a new place, we eventually moved out. Bought our first bed, bought our first dining table, bought our first gas stove. A many of firsts. Soon we finally bought a baby cot from Ikea. We bought it too early. Although it was too early to put it up, but Mirin assembled it anyways. I could tell that he was excited. It was such a fun and exciting moment, for the both of us.

But those were the fun part. Like most pregnancies, the not so fun part about being pregnant was me being diagnosed with Pregnancy Hypertension during my 36th week of pregnancy. My blood pressure spiked up to 140/100 on two consecutive readings, and the next thing I know, that I’m sitting in an ambulance, on my way to Hospital Kuala Lumpur’s emergency building. 

                     At Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Waiting for an available bed

                  Mirin bought me the entire family mart food available xD

I spent 3 nights in their maternity wards, finally discharged after the doctor told me that I was clear to go. While I was in the hospital, it pains me to see new mothers struggling during the COVID19 pandemic. Throughout your stay, no visitations were allowed from anyone including your husband. If your baby cries or if you’re in pain, you’d have figure it out yourself. I remember praying to god while crying that I do not want to be induced there. The ward was stuffy and hot. There were too many people crammed in a room. It was hell. 

The Day That I Give Birth

One week after my discharge, we both went for my monthly checkup with my OBGYN at Pantai. Again, my doctor advised me to be induced tomorrow, since my blood pressure spiked again, and I was almost full term (38 weeks) so it was okay to go. She told me that “It’s best to get the baby out or else you boleh kena sawan” OMG Okay okay. So we packed our bags, ate sushi for dinner, slept soundly for the very last time, and headed to the hospital again at 9 am the next morning. 

                         Induction day. We definitely overpacked haha

       Arrived at the hospital lobby, did a mandatory swab test before entering

Appointment card. Booked and paid for the accommodations prior to checking in

I was told to change into my labor robe (I’m not too sure what it’s called), and waited. When my doctor finally arrived, she then began to insert some sort of a plastic strip deeeeeep into my cervix. Ouch, that hurts. Okay, so that’s how induction works eh? Then I was given antibiotics into my IV drip too, since I was GBS (Group-B Strep) Positive as well. 

                                Toilet selfie! Calm before the storm

After an hour, I felt the contraction. Initially it was uncomfortable, then it hurts like hell. The contractions felt like period pain but like a million times worse. Occasionally, Doctor Haslinda would come and check on my “bukaan”. Hours passed. 1cm... 2cm... 3cm.... when I finally said:

“Omg sakit sangat dah tak tahan, I want an epidural!“

Ok no, that was a lie. I initially didn’t want to take an epidural. I wanted to try and bear with the pain, but Mirin convinced me to take it, so after tossing and turning like a dying fish I finally said okay. 

The anesthesiologist came after what felt like an eternity, and asked me to sign a consent form. I’m not really sure what was written in that. Siapa je ada masa nak baca terms and conditions panjang panjang bila tengah contractions??? 

He told me to sit on the edge of the bed, while hugging a pillow. I remembered him injecting some numbing spray, then I felt the BIG NEEDLE poking through my spine. Then.. that was it. It was so fast. The entire process took only 5 mins. Was it painful as I thought it would be? No. Was it still scary tho? Yep hahaha.

Soon after, Dr Haslinda pecahkan air ketuban when I was 4cm dilated. It didnt hurt because I was on epidural, but I felt so much warm liquid flowing out non-stop. So bizarre. 

Once you’re on epidural, you’re basically bed-ridden. No bathroom trips anymore, my legs feel like jelly. Sometimes the nurse will come to empty my bladder with a catheter. When the epidural kicked in, I could finally sleep. I slept like a baby. I slept for hours. Painless. No more feeling like a dying fish. And so I thought.............

3am. I woke up with INTENSE CONTRACTION PAIN. Why is it so painful? I thought I’m on epidural? I called the nurse straight away. Turned out the epidural drug ran out. It was sooo stressful because the nurse that was on duty that night didn’t know how to topap balik the epidural drug into the machine. She called her colleague, then the colleague also tak tahu. Then both of them spent like forever to troubleshoot how to use the machine, sampai lastly kena call doctor tanya. YA ALLAH, rasa macam nak maki je. 

7am the next day. Bukaan baru 7-8cm. Doctor decided to use another form of induction to speed up the process. It’s called pitocin, and injected through my IV drip. Within MINUTES, I could feel very intense and painful contractions, that the epidural can’t even help. So throughout the remaining 7cm to 10cm, I felt every inch of real labor pain. I clenched Mirin’s hand. So tightly that I think it got bruised. A minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like years. It was soo bad that my memory was so fuzzy. 

Finally, it was 10cm. Time to go. They put both of my legs up, macam gambar bawah ni haha: 

                                      Picture courtesy from Google

There were two nurses, one small cute Malay nurse, one pregnant Indian nurse, and my OBGYN, Dr Haslinda. I love them all, they were so supportive and nice to me throughout my labor process. My doctor taught me how to push correctly:

“Take a deeeeeeep breath then tahan, clench your fists, chin down and teran macam nak berak sekuat-kuat hati“

I was so determined to get the baby out. I just wanted the contraction pain to end. I did everything they told me to do. I hold on to Mirin’s hand, and PUSHHHHHHHEDDDDDD! I could hear Mirin saying “You’re doing great sayang!” After several pushes, and some sips of water breaks, the baby’s head is almost out. The head was the hardest to push. Besar! I literally felt like my down there was stretching to its limit. Once the head is out, I did another small push, and the rest of the baby’s body macam keluar instantly macam super slimy like that haha. 

Finally the baby is out! 8.26AM! The contractions stopped immediately. I instantly feel like I wasn’t pregnant anymore. The doctor then injected something on my thigh, then my uri just popped right out haha. My body felt so tired, but so so light. Lega, yay no longer pregnant haha. I ended up having second degree perineal tear without an episiotomy, and was stitched. I felt the benang, ngilu. I felt the needle pierced through my muscles too. But it didnt hurt so it wasn’t too bad. 

The baby gets cleaned up. Then soon all of the nurses left the labor room, it was just me, Mirin and our baby. Mirin picked her up, and azankan. Mirin started crying, I cried too. It was magical :’)

We did skin to skin and tried breastfeeding for the first time. As I look at her, hair was so thick. Her cute little fingers. Her beautiful face. She’s perfect. 

                            I slept for 5 hours straight after the labor

Thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to muster such courage to go through all these. Mirin even told me that during the active labor stage, when I was pushing, at one point I pushed so hard that my entire face turned blue. Talk about adrenaline.

Do I want to have another baby? Well, lets keep a rain check on that question for another few more years to come xD

you and billy get in a fight and he asks max for help

I Really Fucking Like You Billy Hargrove

Summary - Billy does something he regrets but lets his temper get the best of him resulting in you and him having an argument, however this just makes Billy even more angry causing Max to help her step brother out.

Warnings - Swearing, Billy being mean, Angst, Fluff

A/N - So sorry that this took so long to get out I’ve got a lot to do this week so uploads are going to be spaced out, I hope that’s ok, I apologise in advance though angels!

The front door slammed shut gaining Max’s attention away from her homework. Billy was obviously home. he’d actually been pretty happy recently especially after having been dating you. He just hadn’t stopped smiling, she thought he was sick! you were having some sort of effect on him and it was quite scary for Max, someone had tamed the beast in her eyes. 

Billy hadn’t stopped being annoying but he wasn’t as mean, he even apologised to her for the whole car and her friends incident. 

“Fucking bitch” Billy grumbled as he walked past her open door. “Turn down that fucking music!” he yelled at her from his room. She rolled her eyes but none the less turned it down, going to shut her door. 

That’s when she got really confused. Were those sobs? from Billys room? Was he crying?

She peaked her head round the gap of his door. 

He had his head in his hands. She glanced around at the room seeing how much you really had changed him, everywhere was clean. No dirty washing, no empty beer cans, no cigarette butts in the ash tray. it was so clean. 

“What the fuck do you want shithead?” Billy growled. 

“What happened?” Billy shook his head and laughed lowly. 

“Why do you even care?” He shoved his head back in his hands. Max slowly crept over to sit next to him on the bed. 

“Because like you said, we’re family now… we’ve got to look out for each other” she mumbled cringing at her words as she looked around at his transformed room. To be honest you should come round more often, her room could do with a reorganisation.

“yeah well whatever, doesn’t even matter anyway”

“It clearly matters Billy, I’ve never seen you cry-”

“I wasn’t even crying… that much. Basically we went to a party and I got really drunk, I ended up kissing some girl… I thought it was Y/N, I promise I thought it was her- Same hair, same eyes, same everything to me at the time. The worst part is that this girl pulled me in for the kiss first and me thinking it was Y/N - I just kissed back” Max sucked in a breath. “I should’ve known it wasn’t her - and then I started yelling at her… Fuck I feel so bad” Billy shoved his head in his hands. 

“Well I think… the best thing is to talk to her”

“Ive already done that Maxine, she doesn’t want to talk about it”

“I don’t think think yelling about your point is the same as talking Billy” Max mumbled. 

“Whatever, It’s just she deserves more then just some half assed apology… She’s so important to me Max…”

“How about tomorrow you show up at her house, pick her up and take her to that movie she wanted to watch”

“What movie?” Billy asked genuinely confused.

“she’s been talking about it loads! It’s all she mentions?” 

With that Billy shoved his head right back in his hands. “I didn’t even fucking know that- you know what Maxine, fuck you! get the fuck out of my room now”

“Wait what?!” Max furrowed her eyebrows and huffed.

“Just fucking get out!” Billy yelled at her. Max knew better than to stay, she stomped out. Billy was definitely falling hard for Y/N, in a way it amused her, to see him even getting all angry every time a love song played, let’s just say he’s been working out a lot recently, he was hitting the weights every chance he got whilst the radio played some sort of love song, but it was when your song came on did she see Billy really fall apart, he dropped the weight on the floor and stomped into his room, anger and hurt radiating off him.  

Thats when she felt bad, he usually didn’t give a shit, every girl he’d been with eventually got mad or fed up of his antics and he would come home, bitch about them and then sleep it off not even caring about it the next day. He was so grumpy now a days so she had to do something. So she made a plan, she was going to get you two back together again. God knows you were both way too stubborn and Billy had locked himself at home for the most part, rock music blaring through the walls, the heavy stench of cigarettes and Mary-Jane coming from his room, but as much as she disliked her older step brother she knew she had to help him. 

You were definitely the nicest girl he’d dated. 

So that’s what she did. At 7am sharpish she asked Billy to take her to the lake, to “Meet some friends” He said no at first obviously so she did a bit of extra planning and made a deal, Dad won’t know about weed as long as Billy agrees to take her. He agreed eventually. 

Little did billy know that he was to meet you at that lake. Max had told you to meet her at the lake because she wanted to talk about ‘girl problems’ shed been having and she didn’t want to say it at home because it was embarrassing. 

Billy drove the whole way, cigarette dangling from his lips, sunglasses covering his sleep deprived eyes. 

She noticed how he hadn’t been sleeping recently. He’d been up all night crying but she wouldn’t tell him she knew because he sure as hell would have her for it. 

she impatiently tapped her foot on the floor of the Camaro, her lip caught between her teeth as she chewed on it nervously. This could go a few ways, either Billy gets hurt or you get hurt or maybe you make up. She hoped that you would make up. 

“Would you quit fucking tapping, so fucking annoy-” He paused as he saw you, he pulled into the clearing. 

“I have to go! Ummm maybe you should talk to her” Max ran out of the car. 

“You little fucking sh-” He stopped as he watched you turn around, your eyes landing on the blue car. He saw your smile slip, your eyebrows furrowing and a frown on your face. 

You were wearing his AC/DC shirt. He sighed, opening the door the cigarette being discarded on the floor. 

“Hey!, angel… look im really fucking sorry princess”

“Really Billy! Because Dana told me you didn’t care” You huffed. 

“Look just let me explain…” He felt his patience wearing thin. 

“No Billy! Because every time I let you ‘explain’ you end up yelling at me! telling me it’s my fault and im sorry but I don’t think I can-”

“I DON’T FUCKING YELL” He yelled. A regretful expression on his face as he carded his hands through the ends of his hair. He realised what he’d done, he sighed. “Im working on it baby” his eyes flickered to the floor. “It’s just gonna take time… I promise im working on it” 

“How much time Billy!? Because we’ve been together for 3 months now and you still have this temper! You don’t know how to control yourself, sometimes I get scared, and I know you won’t ever hurt me but, its just I hate this constant screaming match between us, I really fucking like you Billy Hargrove”

He sniffed, his nose scrunching as he looked away, thinking. He felt his eyes gloss over with tears again. He hated crying in front of you. He sniffed again, his face getting more scrunched up as he tried to hold back the tears. he felt your arms wrap around his waist. Your head rest against his chest as you held him. He’d cuddled you before, hell you’d hugged so many times but this felt like more. 

He felt the tears fall. You looked up at him and cradled his cheek in your hand. He still looked the other way, he hated you to see him like this.

“I really fucking like you” you whispered he stood stiff, not being used to this full out intimate feeling. He started to blink and shift his head to look down at you. he placed his hand on top of your one which was holding his cheek. 

“Im sorry…” he mumbled, his eyes were red and puffy. You nodded. 

“I know baby, it’s ok. I believe you over Dana, and im sorry for being impatient, you’re right, we are working on it… slowly but surely” You got on your tip toes to kiss him, he leaned down to meet your lips. you kissed passionately for what felt like hours until Max intervened. 

“Finally you’ve made up! Now can we stop being so dramatic and get home because I can’t do much with a skateboard in a wooded area” She held up her skateboard, her eyebrows raised at you both. 

“Sometimes I really fucking despise you Maxine, but you get the day off for now” Billy grumbled. His arm wrapping around your waist as you kissed his cheek. 

“You need a shower Hargrove, you reek of weed” You giggled into his ear. 

“Suppose you’re gonna have to take one with me, make sure im getting the smell out and everything” he mumbled.

“Ugh get a room” Max cringed as she shoved herself back into Billys car. Thank god she’d gotten you two back together otherwise she’d have to listen to (in her opinion) Billys god awful music for hours. she rolled her eyes and smirked at him. As much of a dick he was, he was family now.