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8 // One year

Uhm hi. 

Has it been a year already, lol? I know, little me. I have been neglecting this blog for quite some time now and honestly I knew that. I just didn’t want to face reality.. my reality by writing things down: my problems, regrets, insecurities all of them. It felt disgusting just aknowledging them so I avoided confrontation. But hey, in my defense, covid has been going on the whole year and 2020 was a big fat mess. So many things happened, changed, escalated and barely had the time and energy and strength to face all those problems and changes. 

2020 was gonna be THE year, i said. So many times. Trying to tell myself that there’s no need to be scared. No need to back down, because everyone goes through high school graduation, university, adulthood. It’s completely normal to panic a bit because in the end you’re gonna manage. You’re capable of so many great things. I told myself, or rather lied to myself? I don’t even know at this point. 2020 was memorable. Yes. But in a good way? aboslutely not! :’) And just a short disclaimer. I know how damn serious the virus is, but let me just rant about my life for once, because it’s hard on me, too.

Schools just suddenly closed down 2 weeks before my graduation. My friends and my whole grade in general did not get to experience the legendary “last week” where we’d prank the whole school. Everyone before us did, though. Pretty unfair. I mean we went to school for so many years and that was gonna be our HIGHLIGHT! Marking our GRADUATION. Making epic MEMORIES. Well, fuck that, I guess. Didn’t happen! :D Instead, we got 1 month quarantine where we had to study for finals. For unsure finals. For “we don’t know if you have to take exam yet” - finals. But we had to study, study for finals that may not even happen. That were some horrible ass weeks of studying, crying, panicking, stressing out, questioning myself, more crying and a lot of anime, lmao. And then it was May and I took my exams and I did pretty okay-ish. It wasn’t the best I could’ve done but I mean, considering the situation back then and how lazy I really am, it was okay. At least, for me... kind of? Honestly speaking, I knew it was bad. My grades used to be GREAT but now they were just good but for my parents that meant failed. And did they not hide their disappointed in that, no. They actually went ahead and told me in my face how absolute horrible my finale grades were and that theyre absolutely not satisfied with them. Thanks, mom. It’s not like I didn’t know that. Sorry for not being able to go into Med school like U wished. But it was hard on me, too. Comparing myself to my friends who despite this damn situation still managed to get the perfect score in every damn subject. Am I even allowed to use the pandemic as an excuse or is it really just me who sucks at everything. It’s not like not being able to go outside without mask and 1.5m social distancing was helping me in any way. It’s not like the constans pressure of my parents wasn’t enough. If not Med School, then Law, they said. And funny enough, I could’ve gone there but then suddenly remembered how I applied to Psych School in December 2019, whoops. Why, you ask? Because my mom already pressured me into looking up universities in goddamn 2019 and so I went ahead and applied to a school in aneighboring country, because going as far as possible was basically the aim. Psych was never my dream, I mean yeah, it’s super interesting (and spoiler: I am enjoying studying it a lot.) but I never actually considered a profession in that area. Not because I didn’t see myself there, but I didn’t see myself ANYWHERE at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had no passions, goals or dreams. Sounds sad, but the Internet assured me, I wasn’t only one so thumbs up to us guys. Anyway, so I applied to that University and in the middle of finals I got accepted, suprisingly! Didn’t expect that and for sure didn’t remember that LMAO. I told my parents and they were not pleased. My dad couldn’t understand why I wanted to study Psychology ??? The fuck u wanna do with that, he asked. And I didn’t know what to answer, because hell no, I don’t know, bro. I just applied to move out from home. Fun fact: my household is not that toxic, just stereotypical asian strict parents who love the idea of med school a little too much. But I still went there, even if they disagreed but I mean they cannot change the fact that my grades weren’t good enough for med school, and even if could’ve gone to Law school, I DECLINED. 100% sure I’m not made to defend anyone in court. Probably woulda start crying or something.. 

And so I graduated, had a weird graduation ceremony in our P.E hall (?? idek lmao) and went to university 2 months later in september. Funny story. LMAO. Seriously, things happened in such a fast pace that I wasn’t able to properly accept the fact that I am no longer a high school student, and just started my new path?!?!?!?! Wtf?? stop!? Months and Months went by and I was emersed in studying and exams and deadlines. And all of that online. Via Zoom. Great. Nice University student life. No parties, no real life lectures, no making friends in the cafeteria or any sort of actual experiences like those. Great. Second lockdown, and third lockdown - oh there’s a vaccine! Yey! Oh no, wait. There are mutation of the virus. Not great. :’) And that my friends was 2020. The year I turned 18. What a wonderful start into adulthood <3 

And now, it’s already 2021. And tomorrow I turn 19. And im fucking scared. And sad. 1. Scared because I don’t wanna age and become old and knowing i havent accomplished one single thing in life and instead rather than turning 19 i turned into a failure and 2. Sad because I’m 18, do not have a drivers license, never went clubbing for adults, graduated in the most disgusting and sad way possible (and most unmemorable way i dont even wanna think about that musty gymnasiums hall lmao) and pretty much did nothing cool in my 18th life and thats just how my young adult life’s gonna be! :DDD nice guys. 

Ok, this sounds pretty depressive and petty and sad and lowkey annoying but idk how i am supposed to sugarcoat that.... if i find a way, i’ll come back but until then, stay safe 

Submission tagged Coffee Addict

It’s okay if it takes a while for a reply I think I just need to vent. I’m off my meds (they made me so anxious and nauseous it was awful) and I haven’t seen my psych in months. My mom had a psychotic episode and went missing for five days only to show up naked at a neighbor’s. She’d already been unfairly sanctioned less than two months before so she refused to go back to the mental facility and–surprise–that’s where I went too. So she didn’t trust them anymore and I had to say goodbye to my mental health care after missing my last two appts for the same reason. I wasn’t mad at first. My last conversation with my psych was normal–he upped by dose, asked about seeing/hearing things, the usual. I was only on anti-psychotics nothing for anxiety and I was trying to see if he’d give me something and I was about to leave when I remembered ‘oh yeah, hey doc, I really want to gouge my eyes out sometimes. It’s so strong sometimes I just feel my eyeballs to figure out how I’d do it’ and I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal. I’d had the feeling for almost a year itd come and go and I obvs hadnt done anything yet. He made me get my mom (before the sanctioning incident) and sat her down with me to explain to her about the eye thing. Apparently its not that uncommon and with my family’s mental history and my own psychosis he wanted to make sure someone knew to get me help if I needed to go to the hospital. He asked me about mirrors bc schizophrenics who want to gouge out their eyes are normally also scared of mirrors and my mom was in the room and I didn’t want to admit that I think they’re a portal to another dimension. So I havent seen him since and i really miss him we didnt have long together but he genuinely listened to and believed me and I really think I just need that now. My family situation is so screwed up we couldn’t afford the meds even if we could afford the appts. With my meds gone my anxiety is normal again but the depression is back and Ive honestly come close to ending it three times in the past 3-4months. I just feel adrift. Im seeing stuff as always and hearing things but ive just gone back to ignoring everything like I used to instead of taking notes for my psych. the eye thing has gotten better and when I do feel the urge it isnt as strong as it was on abilify. rispirdome made my psychosis worse and now I think the abiify was too. I wouldnt mind going back on abilify as long as i had something for anxiety and ive already made up my mind if i ever get to see a psych again ill tell them exactly that. i dont want to stop seeing and hearing things tho if you can believe it. when my depression went away i felt lost but when my visions faded? i felt like i lost an arm. or my eyes. i was there to get a diagnosis for just what my psychosis was and now i feel like ill never find out whats wrong with me. i get tactile visual and auditory things, the eye thing was the only delusion i told him about. the relationship was very new and i didnt want to reveal how crazy i was just yet. now ill never get the chance. i just feel so alone and i dont know what to do with myself. at least im not disassociating 24/7 anymore.

Hi lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety and psychosis, I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I think it’s great that you have reached out for help though, that’s such a positive step towards recovery! Hopefully I’ll be able to give you a little advice to make things a bit easier for you. 

I am not a professional, so cannot diagnose you in any way, but there are a couple of things I want to point out. Firstly, hallucinations can be caused by many things, such as a side effect of medication, a lack of sleep and nutrition, and of course mental illness. You mention that you struggle with anxiety - anxiety can cause psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations, so there is the possibility that you are not struggling with psychosis, just a severe anxiety disorder. I really recommend that you go to your doctor about this, as they will be able to discuss properly with you the possible causes and treatments for what you are experiencing. The other things is concerning your medication - because everybody’s bodies work differently, medication can be really tricky, because one medication will not work the same for lots of people. This means that it can take a lot of trial and error before you find a medication which is right and effective for you; there are many different medications that you can try that your body will likely react better to. Again, this is something to discuss with your doctor, and remember that it may take a while before you find the best course of treatment, but there will be something you can try that will work better for you - please don’t give up!

Something that may help you to separate your hallucinations from your daily life, is journaling. You could write about your hallucinations in as much detail as you wanted so then you have a permanent and clear picture of your hallucinations. You could also try writing only about the things you know are real; this could help you to keep a clearer idea of what is real and what is a hallucination and may make recognising the hallucinations easier. Anything that can help you stay more in touch with reality is really useful, so along with journaling, it might be useful for you to keep some grounding techniques in mind that you could use whenever you are beginning to hallucinate. We have a page about grounding techniques here; I would recommend something physical like running your hands under ice cold water or counting out the change in your purse, or even something like jumping up and down on the spot. Grounding techniques help to bring your focus away from the hallucination and back to reality. Is this something you feel like you could try? I am also going to link you to our self-help and calming pages about anxiety. These pages have some great tips about dealing with anxious thoughts.

You are not alone or crazy, lovely! It is completely normal to not want your hallucinations to go away - our symptoms become such big parts of our lives, that losing them can be really hard; just try to remember that them going means that you are getting better, and you always come first! Mental illness does definitely not mean you are crazy, it just means that you are struggling right now - but you can get help and live a happy and successful life. Is it possible for you to begin seeing your therapist again? If not, and if money is a concern for you, maybe web counselling would be a helpful and affordable option?

I hope this has been of some help to you, lovely. Please remember that we are always here for you, so don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else we can help you with! 

Please take care,

Rhiann xo

response to aidens post lol

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection if-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out. gonna copy nd paste then post my response ok cool

-Guilt trip and gaslight when you thought I was going to get with someone else, people making compliments towards me got you into a rage fit. You never apologized for always getting pissed when I never did shit and you take compliments all the time. 

i never tried to guilt trip. i told you many times its ok to get with someone else. you literally dated someone else and i was ok with it. it wasnt compliments i was upset over, you literally had people saying they were in love with you. thats really weird to me. i was scared to be abandoned. people dont compliment me, all i have is my boyfriend and my qpp. maybe my close friends compliment me but its not a big deal. did i freak out over ur friends calling u daddy and shit? why should u get upset over people doing that to me?

-Manipulating everyone to know only your side, ignoring my sincere apologies, calling them bullshit, ignoring the fact that I never did those things again and told you to call me out. You barely did, but I did always stop when you told me to.

literally i already said. He sat there with me as youd text me and fight with me. you went to Her, my fp, to complain about me without telling her my side. everyone who ive talked to has seen all of it. i give people my phone and let them read everything since even before we broke up. im not scared to show my side. 

-Controlling me, telling me to do everything and give you love all the time and you literally did that all the time. “I hate myself I want to die”, was that not manipulation, when I always try to comfort you? But, you pushed me away and said you never asked. I was extremely supportive in your times of misery and self harm, what have you ever done for me?

how did i control you? i didnt tell you to do shit. saying “love me” as a joke isnt controlling. i wanted attention, god forbid. you do the same to me. “i hate myself i want to die” is literally just me self loathing, how is that manipulation??? i was venting to you because i trust you. i appreciated the comfort but yes i never wanted help. help is not what i want, i dont want to be in the hospital, i dont want to be put on new meds, i dont want a support group i just want to feel less alone.

-Calling me abusive for literally nothing, for “months” I have apparently abused you when A) I never fucking harmed you, a gentle push I guess which I thoroughly apologized for, but nah it’s all bullshit according to you and B) You have done manipulative and abusive things to me like: Forcing me to do things with you, making me have to kiss you within the first 5 days because you were so sad, trying to talk sexually to me when I was not ready but I got into it because that is what YOU wanted, exhausting my limits to how much you wanted from me, expecting me to love on you and care for you when you are always talking about how many feelings you have for someone else, putting me into a poly relationship without my consent the second time, always having some shit to complain about because I cannot be perfect, pinning me against my friends, and the list goes on.

if like 10 different people are calling you abusive its probably true, dude. you did harm me. you ignored the fact i literally said you punched me. you never apologized for that. i was fucking upset over it and you just sat there and watchd me tear up and curl in a ball. you tried to fucking excuse yourself for it. “I deal with things irrationally, I live in a family that physically hits each other, and it was a blur I cannot just stop and think. I did not blame him for being scared? I said it isn’t my fault and it doesn’t mean I havent gone through things either.” literal quote from you. “...it was aggressive but gentle...” another literal quote. 

i never forced you to. in fact it was always you texting me about how horny you are, you made an nsfw blog so i could see the shit you put on there, you were the first person to make sexual advances. i told you i get sex repulsed sometimes and you apparently dont even remember that because at least 3 times a week you talked to me about being horny and what was i supposed to do? you would be at my house and tell me how much you wanted to fuck, you said literally “i cant wait for after-prom sex” and i didnt let you stay the night because of that. you were the one who always wanted sex. i never forced you to do anything, you were the one who touched me without consent. i didnt make you kiss me. before we were even dating you talked about kissing me all the time. you asked me to teach you how to kiss, so yeah like .. 5 days after we started dating you spent the night and we kissed like 3 times. it wasnt that big of a deal. you asked for it. the first time we sexually talked all i said was i wanted to give you hickeys and you asked to sext, so we did. 

poly relationship w/o consent? when we first started dating i was already dating oliver. when we broke up, again, i was dating oliver so when you ASKED ME OUT again you knew i was still with them. no force. when did i ever pin you against your friends? the only person i ever said shit abt was p**** because he was getting too obsessive when you were uncomfy, and you encouraged me to do that.

-You made me believe that all I was ever doing was WRONG, and I have told you that five trillion times, and you never did anything to help that. I know I was not wrong for trying to be supportive even though I was triggered to death, but you made me feel like I was a fucking nuisance in your life.

how??? i did everything i could to tell you how great of a boyfriend you were. i told you every day how much i loved you. how perfect you were. i didnt do shit, you were the one who made me feel like shit every day because i wasnt physically or mentally able to suit your romantic needs. 

-Blaming me for all your damn mistakes, I got defensive because it was never me, blaming me for being paranoid when you did things and hinted at things to provoke that, and your paranoia was never apologized for either. Even in the beginning, I apologized for being paranoid and it took a long ass time for that to come back because you are so unpredictable and you were never clear with any of the things you said. 

yes i admit i have trouble owning up to my own mistakes. im sorry that i blamed you for things. you dont deserve that. im mature enough to own up and apologize for that. i dont know what i did to make you paranoid but im sorry that that happened. i am unpredictable. i know. yikes at me

-Vaguely saying you did some things wrong too but hiding behind your illnesses as well, not even asking me what you could have done better. You want the cold hard truth? You are getting it. Yes, I was supportive of what you had and I guess I am ableist for trying to help you to change. I WAS SO ABLEIST for wanting the absolute bare minimum. You already said we were just becoming friends at that stage, and the fact of the matter is, you hurt the shit out of me.

i try not to hide behind my illnesses but i really cant help some things because of my illnesses. i tried asking what i could do. i tried doing what you wanted. you are ableist tbqh because i told you i COULDNT DO THE THINGS YOU WANTED but you pushed me every day to fucking do it and when i broke down and apoligzed for not being able to do it you made me feel like ABSOLUTE SHIT!!! i was the worst bf ever bc i cant do some romantic things sometimes!!!!! yikes im so problematic for being disabled!!

-You become avoidant to self harm and don’t fucking apologize for pushing people away. You always told me you were here for me when I needed help but you never actually listened to me. I never jumped straight into things, sorry if you believe that. I always said I was feeling terrible and you decided to expand.

i dont have to apologize for pushing people away if its whats best for me mentally. i am 100% sure in that. i always ask whats wrong because i care about you but when i dont know what youre going to say its a 50/50 chance ill get triggered and if im triggered i cant really think properly!! i get flashbacks and anxiety attacks when i see even specfic words. ive told you before its not great to depend on me for that stuff. that im always here for you but im here to listen, not to help. i cant help myself, how can i help you?

-Saying you were fine all the time, lying to me when something was wrong, I always had to find out from someone else about what you have done.

wow yikes i didnt tell you when i felt shitty because i didnt want to trigger you. yikes because i dont want your help or advice sometimes. i want people to listen but you never JSUT listen you have some styff to say and while some ppl like that i dont!! i dont like being told how to think or feel or what to do

-Abusing your medications and getting high when I first broke up with you, saying you got dumped, implying you didn’t deserve it when you never deserved me. I spent over $200 dollars on your boyfriend’s medical bills, but I am careless and unkind I suppose.

i was already abusing my medications :-/ i never called you careless or unkind but ok

-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out.

what did i ever do to make you feel not good enough lol. not do the things i said before i cant do? i didnt use your body, not once not ever. dont even start that shit. you know my history of rape and sexual abuse. what the actual fuck. 

-Again, since you cannot get it through your selfish mind, you never owned up for ANYTHING you have done, and guess what? I only do what people do to me. So, you treating me bad, I tried to forgive you and become collected, but you pushed me to where I thought I was stuck in the relationship. Why? Because if I left, you would become suicidal, if you left, you would want to come back immediately.

i tried owning up to things and ive apologized for many things i shouldnt have had to. tbqh ive wanted to break up since like.. right after prom bc the way you were being so i wouldnt have been suicidal if you left. yeah i wouldve been upset if i left because its hard for me to detach myself from people

You have no idea what you did, you have no idea what you were doing.

lol u rite

People defending your disgusting actions are no better than you are, you only exclude what you have done to make yourself seem innocent. 

people excusing you for hitting me and sexually abusing me and manipulating and gaslighting me are worse than people supporting me. i was maybe bad to you to combat myself from you hurting me!! i dont want to fucking get hurt again so when you do something shitty i have to do something shitty in return! 

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection 

you asked me out both times. 

I asked you all the damn time if you wanted space, but you said “No, it’s fine,” when you damn well knew it wasn’t. Why are you such a blatant liar?

i didnt want to hurt you by leaving you alone.

Oh and also, when you “broke up” with your boyfriend of two years for me, but always texting endearing things to them when we were together, how cute of you to do that.

we did break up. yeah i fucking missed them though. its hard for me to detach. but i wasnt seeing them behind your back. you know very well it was sho who was dating oliver, not me. i text them endearing things because theyre my fp/dp and i love them. 

anything abusive ive done i literally didnt mean to do. youre the one whos just now pushing all this shit on me. dont accuse me of being abusive when you didnt tell me when these things made you upset. i didnt fucking know. i cant read minds. i cant do any of that shit. i also dont have empathy and cant think of other peoples emotions so its hard for me to think about how/if my actions are affecting people, unless they fuckign tell me. which you didnt. instead, you just told me how fucking shitty i was. i was an awful boyfriend, im using you, im cheating, im not good enough, i cant satisfy you. i guess i was so bad you just had to start dating that other guy, and as you said, because “he can give you things i cannot give”. jeez im so FUCKING sorry.